#remedy for this . how will i ever focus on math like this .

[loverofallthingssmart]

would recommend buying pants on ur period so u can then wear those when ur period comes

[scribeforchrist-blog]

He Has The Remedy

MEMORY VERSE OF THE WEEK

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 + John 8:47 Whoever is of God hears the words of God. The reason why you do not hear them is that you are not of God.”

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VERSE OF THE DAY

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 + Psalm 116:1-2 I love the Lord, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live.

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** SAY THIS BEFORE YOU READ; HERE’S SOME CHRISTIAN TRUTHS **

I AM LISTENING

I AM FOLLOWING CHRIST

CHRIST HAS THE SOLUTION

I AM HOLDING HIS HAND

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READ TIME: 8 Minutes & 39 Seconds

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THOUGHTS:

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  When we were all in school, we had math classes, and I can remember algebra class, and it was tough coming up with the solution. I remember having this paper and a sharp pencil sitting there figuring out the solution, and sometimes I didn't come up with the right one, which was even more frustrating the more I tried it; I still couldn’t get it, and my teacher would get on the board and explain the solution step by step she would take her time, and as I saw her do this I’m like it’s no way I can ever do this I don’t know why she's even asking us to do this I can't do it,

I wanted to give up because the solution to every algebra problem was long. I felt defeated, and as the weeks went on, I learned how to come up with it, but it took me time to watch her and go from step to step slowly and look at her as I did it. I had to stay focused on her because I don’t think I could’ve done it on my own.

  This is just like our Father who is in heaven; he has the remedy, the solution to everything; it's just up to us to keep our eyes on him and trust him through the difficult stages of every part of our lives a lot of time we don’t know what we are doing because we lose focus or we think that he doesn’t know what he's talking about. Still, God knows about everything we have a problem with, and he has seen it all before; we haven’t, but he has the solution and the remedy to it all; it's up to us to follow every step he’s given to the letter.

Proverbs 3:5- 6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart.do not depend on your understanding.Seek his will in all you do,and he will show you which path to take.

Jesus will show us the right path if we take it and walk with him; a lot of times when I messed up on my algebra problem, it was because I wanted to take shortcuts and figure things out on my own but what we must understand that we can't take short cuts with God we can try to do this in every area of our life but doing this with our walk with Christ can be difficult because we are taking our eyes off of him, we can't do this friend,.

We must seek his will so that the steps we take will add up to the path he wants us on often times we don’t know what he wants because we aren’t paying attention the Bible tells us don’t depend on your understanding when we are unsure about life we must count on the one that is for sure which is God he knows our most significant hurt and the solution to the most challenging things all we must do is ask him.

  Verse 7-8: Don’t be impressed with your wisdom.Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil.Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones.

  We can't count on what we know to get us the solution to our problems because we don’t know, but when we count on him, he will guide us slowly through our hiccups; the word says to turn away from evil; we can't count on this world to lead us I tried everything to get me the correct answers to my problems when I was doing algebra , but I still had no success.

Still, when I focused on the steps and wrote them down, I could quickly finish the problems because I was watching my teacher do the work; watching someone who knows and listening to someone who knows shouldn’t make us feel less but should make us understand that we can do as much as we can alone. Still, we will always need God to hold our hands, and that’s what he wants us to do in everything.

  This week, we talked about being partakers, and sometimes we feel we have to be partakers in this world to get ahead or to feel included, but we don’t have to; every day, we must give our sleeves to Christ so that we can remain in him because disconnected from him we can't do anything but as long as we are reading our word praying and mediating we can do everything through his strength because its his strength that strengths us.

  Philippians 4:13 For I can do everything through Christ, who strengthens me.

  It might be hard to listen to God because we want to do everything on our sleeves, but we must listen to God even when it hurts; we talked about this week how obedience hurts, and it sometimes hurts because we have to let go of a lot of things we use to do ,but when we finally realize what God is trying to do in our lives we learn that we will be okay and the solution , it might seem complicated, but it isn’t.

• Psalm 119:60 I hasten and do not delay to keep your commandments.

* John 14:21 Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my father, and I will love and manifest myself to him.”

* John 15:14 You are my friends if you do what I command you.

To walk in the commands of God it takes maturity because, as babes in Christ, we sometimes want to do our own thing; we want God to follow us, but we can't have this kind of mindset; everything we do must be growing in him and changing in him, and as we change in him, we began to see what he wants for us is what's best for us it might not feel this way at the time.

Still, as long as we are waiting on him and growing in him, we will see what he wants is what's best, and that’s how we grow in him in maturity; we can't be on milk forever; we have to begin to grow and be on more solid foods, how many of you are ready for solid foods, how many of you want to walk in the calling God has for you , well we can't do this until we start listening and obeying him.

Ephesians 5:2: Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God.

 **** Today we learned about how to follow Christ for the solution and that we don’t know the solution, we don’t know the way, but he did; going step by step and listening to him is the only way to obey God; we don’t know the way, he might give us his will, but we still must go back to him to hear if we are going the right way .

No matter how much I have written down the solution I still got it wrong why because I was missing the small steps and God doesn’t want us to miss the small thing he wants us to continue to walk in and be obedient children, we all want to know our way but we don’t know the way if we won't listen to the true way and Christ is the way, not this world not fancy house and cars, but knowing God and seeking him is the true way to a peaceful life; today, if you find it difficult for you , ask him to show you the solution because he has the answer. ©Seer~ Prophetess Lee

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PRAYER

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Heavenly Father, we thank you for having the solution to our problems. We ask you to help us to hear you when you speak, lord we are sorry if we did anything that’s not of you; help us to take our walk step by step with you! Lord, we love you so much, and thank you for everything. Lord, we love you so much. Help us through the rough parts of our lives, lord; we don’t know everything, but we know you do; please lead us into what you want from us in Jesus' Name, Amen.

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REFERENCES

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 + Proverbs 18:2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

+ Romans 10:17 So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.

+ Psalm 34:15 The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry.

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FURTHER READINGS

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 Proverbs 14

Leviticus 14

Psalm 11

2 Kings 22

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[chicago-geniza]

Okay, have spent a lot of time thinking about this for many years but Stefania’s art criticism and the specific disabilities I’ve been diagnosed with brought it into focus. The neuropsych testing I do not think adequately assesses visual processing--it only evaluates spatial orientation and mathematical reasoning. What it uses as a proxy for “visuoconstruction abilities” and “visuospatial memory” (as an obligate compound) is--my working theory, based on a sample size of...my cognition--the ability to recall Gestalts, and recall the relative position of Gestalts in a plane of space vis-a-vis one another, often in a series. It was those primary-color logic puzzles where you have to remember which triangles went where, reconstruct patterns from memory, say the color or the word first, not even account for the color of the signified thing behind the sign! I have such a distinct memory of doing this test because the word apple was blue and I was supposed to say the color instead of reading the word apple but the concept of, like, a Platonic-ideal apple was red, but some apples were green, and if you combined red with blue you got purple, and in any case the word apple was blue synesthesia-wise anyway so the exercise didn’t make sense when it was posed as a contradiction, and also wasn’t it weird that some apples were green and others were red when they were complementary contrasting colors? Why did that occur in nature? And why was the word blue when the fruits were red and green? Yabloko was yellow-green, as a word, and it looked like a golden delicious apple, it was more apple-y as a word than apple, which looked like a red apple with a waxy blue tint, whereas yabloko was matte--

I did not finish the neuropsych test but I remember this very clearly, at seven years old. I can’t hold patterns in my head. I couldn’t draw a representation to save my life or find my way out of a store. But I’ve always had a sense of color, a sense of light and shadow. I’m actually fantastic at 3D modeling too--so it’s not even spatial reasoning per se. I had the highest grade in my geometry class and got sent to the state math Olympiad as a freak accident when I was in remedial math and failed pre-algebra twice; I was a whiz at organic chemistry and bioinformatics and terrible at all the other math-heavy courses. I can’t measure, I can’t reckon depth or distance when it is a matter of proprioception, when it is actually three-dimensional, in physical space, relative to my body. But 3D models, and geometric theorems explaining how those shapes fit together, are not the same cognition-category. The Pythagorean theorem was the first equation that ever made intuitive sense to me! So I think it’s related, actually, not to a deficit in visual processing, or even spatial processing per se, but rather: a secondary effect of a deficit in proprioception, ability to orient one’s body in space. I also have periodic “Alice in Wonderland syndrome” type perceptual distortions with my seizures and episodic vertigo. So: Not dimension or even depth, but proprioception, relative distance, in 3D physical space.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I hope you're doing great, so this is going to be long because I’m really in need for help. I’m an INFJ, raised by an abusive passive aggressive father and an INFJ mother who was mistreated and abused a lot, my Fe was very underdeveloped and I used to be a funny guy without having self-care for my image, now after having a crush and seeing my blind spots I see that my reputation isn’t the best and people take advantage of me, I have good friends but none I chose deliberately, I also used to be bullied at middle school and this is where my Se Grip I guess, my Fe is being developed and I’m reading about emotional intelligence but I’m still naïve and ignore subtle signs that other people are using me, and I always fall for the same trap although I have set goals, but I don’t know how to respect myself, I dwell in my mistakes, I can’t respect time and can’t take life seriously. 

I guess it is somewhat of trauma response like Chandler from friends, I try to be funny even when people disrespect me, my crush had a boyfriend who treated me passive aggressively and bullied me, at that time I wanted to give a response but I couldn’t, in each situation I felt trapped, I felt unable to react, I felt under threat, my heart is weak and I get these small anxiety attacks, I’m anxious about getting out in the world, each time I’m overwhelmed with tasks I feel guilty and not being able to finish them, to give more context, I became responsible of my family two years ago, and this feels like a burden, and suddenly Fe started developing, I have religious background and was part of a religious group but now I’m no longer that person and I don’t feel belonging anywhere, I tried to fit In different groups but none felt real, my friends don’t have the time for me and I became very cynical of death and my experiences to the point that I share everything about myself, I’m too clingy, and I overshare everything as a defense mechanism which started after developing feeling towards my crush and telling a friend about it. I need a friend to walk properly on the streets, my self confidence is no longer part of myself because I’m having an identity crisis, I feel guilty and see all my mistakes and each time something triggers one of those mistakes I feel even more anxious, I’m trying to get out more but with no use. 

I’m trying to rebuild myself by focusing on my goals, but its not enough, I guess I need hibernating time in my home to build better work skills and focus on my job more. My friends do not see what I see, except for an INTP, but he is unreliable for social situations but sometimes gives advice that I disagree with and I follow because I respect him a lot, he is like a brother, but his social tips led me to disastrous things, I’m not complaining, but I’m seeking to understand my own behavior. I have shared some of my experiences on social media, and then deleted them, some people used that to mock me and cyber bully me, I don’t know how to get over feeling exposed, I want to live, but not that interested, yet I’m not suicidal, in fact I’m rational and have some basic understanding of myself, but I want to move on from that, and I keep making social mistakes

___________________________

To summarize: You are lost because you have not been able to respect yourself and balance your own needs with your obligations to the world - a sign of Fe overindulgence. Lack of proper self-care has produced unhappiness, but you have not chosen the right paths to remedying the unhappiness, which only makes it worse. Then you got trapped in Ti loop rumination, trying to "make sense" of your feelings from a distance, exacerbating emotional dysfunction. All you have now is a head full of negative and anxious intrusive thoughts that worsen as your emotions are left to escalate unresolved. When you lose connection to Ni, you lose the ability for nuanced thinking, so your thoughts become more and more extreme, as Se grip sets in. Is that about right?

You shouldn't blame yourself for other people's bad behavior. Trust is required for healthy relationships. It is not your fault for trusting people, rather, it is their fault for betraying your trust. No one should take advantage of your kindness and vulnerability. It is not a crime to love and you should not feel ashamed about having emotional needs. If you are ashamed of needing love, then you may have a self-worth problem. Do you believe that you are deserving of love? 

Ni development is meant to help you fulfill your personal potential, such that you have something to feel proud of and something to contribute. The dominant function is the ideal route to self-respect. When you don't have yourself and your life in order via healthy Ni development, you won't be able to have healthy relationships for developing Fe. When you approach relationships from a place of desperation, you not only end up using people as a means to fill your deficits, you also make it too easy for people to take advantage of you.

It’s not your fault when people mistreat you, but it is your responsibility to put in place some reasonable protections from exploitation and abuse, which goes back to the vital point of practicing proper self-care. This requires learning how to set healthy boundaries when you're navigating relationships or putting yourself out there in society. Not everyone has your best interests at heart. You have to know how to spot callous people and avoid them. And you have to learn to be a better judge of the right time and place to express yourself honestly.

A relationship is a two-way street. It should be mutually satisfying and mutual beneficial. This means that self-disclosure should occur at a gradual and mutually respectful pace. Only by opening up bit by bit can a relationship grow in an organic and healthy manner. A great way to protect yourself from harm is to allow enough time for people to show you who they really are. The way that you behave, often in extremes, is not conducive to gradual relationship growth. And you are often in (Se grip) extremes because your emotional life is out of control.

You didn't grow up in an environment that taught you how to have healthy relationships. That’s not your fault. But it is your responsibility to make up those lessons, as an adult who wants to live a better life than you had as a child. People aren’t born with knowledge, just like you're not born knowing how to do math. You have to learn through proper attention and study. You’ve spent how many years learning math that you may not even use? And how long have you spent learning to take care of your mental state? Few people can teach themselves math from scratch and psychology is no different. There’s a lot of knowledge and expertise required to address the psychological problems that you are describing. A big reason that psychological problems get worse over time is that people are not equipped to deal with them alone with no objective input or expert guidance to rely on.

I am but a stranger on the internet. The most I can ever do is help clarify/identify the problem and point you toward a possible solution. I can’t carry out the solution for you or with you. In order to get yourself and your life in order, you have to be more honest with yourself about how you feel, and address your feelings and emotional needs in a more compassionate and timely manner. It’s hard to care well for others when you’re not even able to care well for yourself. If you don't have anyone to lean on, then lean on professional help as a start. A cognitive-behavioral therapist can teach you how to stabilize your intrusive thoughts and messy emotional life, and from there, you will have a better time dealing with other aspects of life. A therapist can also teach you better social skills for dealing with relationship and boundary issues. If you can’t see a therapist for whatever reason, I have provided books about these topics on the resources page.

[yoongisbars]

Samusil | myg | P R O L O G U E

summary: It was always known that you were the family disappointment. So naturally, you fled. With a looming school debt, alcoholic tendencies, and no luck whatsoever in keeping a job for more than a month, you were at your wits end until you finally cave into working at Bang-Lenzo. You’ve only ever heard horrors of the place and its manager. But maybe, just maybe, that office would become your safe haven.

pairing: myg x reader genre: strangers to lovers au | office!yoongi au | future angst? fluff?  word count: 7.5k tw: alcohol as coping mechanism, subjects that might hit close to home note:  inspired by The Office US, this is only a teaser, a taste, of a project im working on, i wont release anything besides this until its ready, so pls endure !! <3

        Life was a bitch to everyone, and ever since you flunked out of Business School, it’s proven you weren’t the exception. It was an already supersaturated field with bright minded, innovative entrepreneurs. And you? Realized halfway through that the business world wasn’t cut out for you. With an overwhelmingly expensive college debt for an unfinished degree that your parents refused to pay for, you became the official family disappointment. After two years of being done with their bullshit, you finally packed your stuff and moved as far away as possible, hoping to start anew in the small town of rural Yangpiji.

        Just because you had some level of education, didn’t mean it would get you quite far. It’s done the opposite, in fact. Jobs with higher wages frowned upon your incomplete studies, and jobs that didn’t give a fuck if you finished high school, didn’t pay enough to deal with their idiocies or take care of the bills for that matter. One heated argument with the owner of the last food joint you worked at was the final straw. Throwing your dirty apron at his face, you walked out of there without a single care in the world, and for the moment, you felt powerful. At least until you waltzed into Slack Jack’s and sat at the bar that night, head buried into your palms.

“Rough shift?” Your eyes peered from behind your fingers, focusing on a shot being placed in front of you. And boy, were you thankful for it. Without speaking, you threw that shit back and let it burn your throat, the only consolation for the situation you were in. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Jackson, I quit.” Feigned shock played on the bartender’s face as he cleaned a beer mug. You weren’t the only one who searched for new beginnings in Yangpiji. In front of you was Jackson Wang, owner and proprietor of Slack Jack’s. He had moved there from abroad no more than ten years ago in hopes to reinvent himself, and against all odds did. He had been your close friend for the past three years since moving. Quite frankly the only good thing this area had to offer was Jackson and his cheap drinks that get you hammered quick.

“Really? I wouldn’t have thought!” His hand shot up to cover his mouth, chuckling at your bland reaction. Rolling your eyes so far into your skull, a heavy sigh escaped from within.

“I’m serious. I quit. I quit work, I quit life, I quit Yangpiji- I’m tired… I hate that I’m a jobless 28-year-old drunk, with nothing to offer this world besides how to survive on garlic noodles and rum.” Your hands traveled the air around you as you searched for words, “I can’t even afford to make them Jjajang Noodles, Jack. JJAJANG!” A small shriek spewed out as you downed another shot, you stopped counting after the third one. Dread and sorrow pooled around you in a matter of seconds. You were at your wits end. And you couldn’t say you were past your peak, since frankly you never took off the ground to begin with. “I’m a failure, Jackson.”

        Widened eyes traveled the room trying to find any words of consolation, but the bartender couldn’t find anything other than pity. His hands moved quickly, putting away the bottles before he was tempted to offer you anymore. He usually served you on the house because he knew of your struggles, but you also drank your weight in alcohol, and he didn’t want to go broke any time soon.

“Listen, chief. There’s still an option…” Oh no… You didn’t want to hear it; already knowing what was coming. “The Bang-Lenzo Yangpiji Branch is still hiring for a secretary; you should test it out.”

        Ah, yes. Bang-Lenzo Inc. Somehow a successful company in the dying paper industry. One of the first to drop their deforestation contracts for their supplies and switch entirely to recycled paper. Since most companies didn’t believe in the Save The Trees movement, most of their major clients dropped them and signed contracts with Bang-Lenzo instead. Working for them would be an achievement… If only the branch in your city wasn’t a nut house.

“Jackson…” Elongating the last syllable, you groaned. “I’ve heard horror stories of people that have tried to work there, it’s chaos. No one ever lasts a full week…” The idea of even bothering to work there was dreadful. The workers there were a nightmare, so you’ve heard. But their manager? A complete lunatic. Unprofessional, immature, inappropriate, and other negative connotations have been used to describe the young manager, Jeon Jungkook. Rumor had it he was the top salesman for 4 years straight before the old manager died. When the company crunched the numbers and stats, he was technically the most qualified for the manager position and had managed to keep it for the past 5 years.

        Amidst your internal struggle, Jackson raised an eyebrow and cut you straight. “It pays $15 an hour, plus benefits.” On instinct your hand shot up, doing quick maths in the air. Holy cow. You shifted your attention to Jackson so fast you almost snapped your neck.

“That’s almost $30k a year!”

“More than you’ll ever make busing tables, that’s for sure.” He had a point. And, you were desperate. Maybe not so much at first, but $15 is $15 and if it meant sacrificing your sanity for survival, well damn it, you were down for the count.

“Guess I’m speaking to Jeon…”

        On Jackson’s commands and with a set of instructions, you left the bar early. ‘Prep for tomorrow, rest and sober up.’ Three things that you were never quite well doing at the very last minute. Bits and pieces of information were fed to you, in order to try and snatch the job at its core.

‘From what I’ve heard, he likes to go in on Saturday mornings to catch up on some work.’ All that meant was that you had to wake up early, and your suspected hangover did not like that. You did what any ‘sane’ person would do and popped in a pain killer and a nausea reliever, an old family remedy to wake up fresh and ready.

‘At the breakfast buffet two blocks over, I once saw him obliterate the cheddar biscuits… And I think he has a thing for sausages too.’ Really, it seemed like Jackson knew Jungkook too well, but honestly so did the town through word of mouth. That last bit of information is what made you scour the nearest convenience store for the necessary ingredients to make the piece of resistance, the key to securing your assets. With this bread you were going to get your bread.

---

        Morning came quickly, as you had gone to bed late baking and sorting out your clothes for the day. Sporting one of your finer ensembles just to make a statement, you were ready to take life by the throat. A dark gray, tight pencil skirt above the knee, a light beige button up blouse with pearled buttons, and a blazer to match the skirt. You applied a fair amount of neutral colored makeup in order to rejuvenate your features to not look like you’ve been miserable for the past 10 years. You finished off the look by slipping on some classic, black Mary Jane’s.

        For the first time since inheriting this 1999 Verna, you were glad the aircon was a hunk of junk and only blew hot steam. Of course you drove with the windows down to receive actual fresh air, but you angled the conductors towards the biscuits, keeping them toasty and warm as if freshly baked that morning. Jeon Jungkook would be in the palm of your hands and the job would soon be in your possession. Financial stability: here I come.

        Parked outside of the building, you painted on a mask with all of the false confidence and determination you could muster, before any ounce of regret could slip in. Once the clock hit 8:55am, it was time to go. You grabbed the biscuits, which you had ever so ‘lovingly’ placed in a basket upping the charm factor, and headed for the entrance.

I need money. I need money. I need money. It was the mantra of your choosing as you took the unnervingly long elevator ride up to the Bang-Lenzo office where your unannounced meeting with Jeon Jungkook awaited. Yes, unannounced. Obviously to anyone with common sense of time, 9:00pm wasn't a viable hour to schedule a meeting for the next morning, so you decided to take the determined approach and show up like you already owned the place. For the first time you had a goal and were dead set on obtaining it. Nothing would stop you from getting that income. I need money.

‘Bang-Lenzo INC.’ read the door sign in front of you. For a moment you closed your eyes, fighting off the urge to walk back to your car and forget this place. But your mantra was quick to erase such thoughts. I desperately need money. Overpowered with feigned confidence, you strutted into the main office. Immediately you were faced with your soon to be desk. It was large and crescent shaped, spacious and tall. In a room to your right, you heard a muffled voice. Surely that was Jeon’s office. With a huff of air, you went to knock on his door.

“Huh? C-come in?” Faint and hurried clattering was heard from inside. With suspicion, you went for the door, revealing behind it the manager, and possible future boss: Jeon Jungkook. Sporting nothing but a set of gray sweats, disheveled hair, and a headset placed around his neck. “Did you need something?” 

The scene in front of you made you lose focus for a split second. You had never seen him before, and by personality description you expected many things except him being viciously attractive. And also a gamer, noted by the Overwatch screen on his computer. The thought left you in a split second, you only had one goal and it did not include sleeping with the manager to reach it. You learned that only works once and it’s never rewarding.

“I’m here for the secretary position? I figured since it’s early and unannounced I’d bring in a little something to eat.” A sweet and charmful voice oozed from your throat, foreign to your body unless it was summoned. The confused manager’s doe eyes lit up once they set intensely on the basket making way to his desk. “I hope you enjoy warm biscuits.” Before he could even question what was going on, you were already sitting across from him, placing your intricate resume in front of his grubby self, you were ready to snatch this job from his hands. He had already fallen victim to the biscuits. You could see the revival in his eyes as soon as he took the first bite. Butter and cheese were the key, but  it was the mini weenies hidden inside that sealed the deal.

Jungkook didn't bother to offer it much of a glance. Instead he redirected his attention to you. “Are you good with computers and organizing?” Bread crumbs and cheese lingered on the corner of his lips as he spoke, you could have sworn some spittle came in your direction as well. Upon further inspection, the food stains on his sweats may have started a whole community of bacteria. Any office fantasy of getting railed by a manager quickly died with this individual, and some word of mouth started to make sense.

“Yes. Anything document and spreadsheet related I can handle, not to mention emails, and of course scheduling agendas-“

“And you made these? From scratch?” He held a biscuit in awe, and you couldn’t help but feel success in your future.

“I did.” You offered a soft, shy smile. Another desperate attempt to charm him for the job.

“Do you think you can bring them in on Monday mornings? Starting this Monday? Tell you what, I’ll raise you to $16 an hour if you do.” You choked on your saliva, instantly entering a coughing fit. He really might be off his rocker, but in this economy, who cares? Not you, because for simply baking Sunday nights you get an extra $40 a week. With this bread, you get your bread. 

“I certainly can! It would be my pleasure.”  “Great! Then let’s sign the paperwork and make it official.” He rummaged through his files to retrieve the contract. “Gosh, I can’t wait to tell the other managers all about my new beautiful secretary who cares for me, and cooks for me, and, who knows; maybe even have a secret romance with me?” There it was, the inappropriateness everyone talked about. Jungkook didn’t give you time to come out of your confused state. “Ha! I’m kidding! It’s just a joke. We’re professional. Professional. We’ll of course report our relationship to HR.” A noise seemingly from The Grudge escaped you. There was an ungodly uncomfortable silence before he decided to kill the awkwardness of the situation.“KIDDING AGAIN!” 

        You didn’t question the lacking interview, or how Jungkook was quick to hire you. It was the most unethical thing in the world and yet? You didn’t care. You were one step closer to financial stability, and that was all you could ever ask for. With the contract filled out and already added to the payroll, you had officially signed your soul over to the white collar world. Serving as the official secretary of Jeon Jungkook. He truly was an oddball, and somewhat inappropriate, but he didn’t give any indication of being an asshole of a boss. Too friendly and annoying, but you had the gut feeling he might just be a decent enough boss. Or at least not so much of an idiot that you can tolerate working for. Besides, the money’s good.

        Walking out of and looking back at the building, your eyes spotted his office windows, with him behind, cheerfully waving you off as he ate the remains of the biscuits. A subtle reminder, you needed to prep your baking game.

--- 

       With a more dressed down version of what you wore to the impromptu interview, you drove your car over to the office building. Only this time, pulling up to the parking lot as you were now an employee. Jungkook’s car was already there. A sleek, black Equus. In comparison to its ancestor, your Verna, it exuded upper management presence. He clearly was a successful 27 year old, and you aspired to be able to reach as much coin as he probably had some day. Really, all you ever wanted in life was money. Were you willing to work much for it though? Probably not, but you didn’t have a choice. It was time to get in gear and make up for lost time. 10 years of your life, in fact.

        You stopped thinking about past mistakes before you could let them affect your first day. Taking the biscuits and purse in a hurried manner, you rushed up to the office. Only an hour earlier than the rest, but you still had things to prove, if only to yourself.

        Upon arrival, Jungkook was busy fiddling on your computer. Documents and folders were neatly spread out on a corner of your desk, waiting to be filed and sorted.

“Hey Y/N, You’re early! I hope you don’t mind, I’m setting up your company email so you can quickly get started.” His quick fingers stopped abruptly, for just a moment, his hand reaching for the biscuits. “And thank you for these, I didn’t think you’d actually make them.” He cocked his head in surprise and took a bite before finishing setting up your computer and programs. The comment left you with an odd feeling.

“Of course I would, I promised it.” Truthfully you only agreed because of the pay raise, but you would still hold up with it. No complaints. “Why did you up my pay grade if you didn’t think so?”

“I don’t know, incentive? I figured this would be an easier way to have someone stay for longer than a week at least.” Shaking his head for only a brief second, he continued. “But there’s something about you that tells me you’re going to be the perfect fit here. You have potential, Y/N. That’s why I hired you.” What the fuck was he talking about, ‘Potential’? You were a 28 year old deadbeat, a failure and a degenerate according to your relatives. You had anything but potential. Noting the hesitation to answer, Jungkook changed the subject swiftly. 

“And it’s done. I’ll give you a quick rundown of things on the machine and then we can work with organizing my schedule, I am so out of sync with this company and I haven’t a clue when my next meetings are.” With a clap, he stood up and motioned you to the seat. He continued to peruse through the biscuit basket, searching for the ‘cheesiest ones’.

        After a tour throughout the company programs and where supplies and files were around the office, the other workers started to arrive in a timely fashion. Some didn’t bother to give you the time of day, but others decided to greet you as soon as they walked in. Particularly a few of the guys from accounting and sales were quite enthusiastic to greet you. If you remembered correctly, the younger pair of them were from Accounting; Jimin and Taehyung, they were really nice, a bit shy as were you, but very polite and warm. You watched as they sat at their corner and bickered slightly, but it seemed to be in honest fun. The one from sales, Hoseok, was the opposite in terms of shyness. He welcomed you with the most charming of smiles and emphasized that if you ever needed a helping hand around the office to not hesitate to ask him. He cheerfully chatted your ear for a few minutes giving you a small idea of what a day in the office might be. “It’s not that bad once you get used to it, you just need to give us a chance.” You heard his hidden pleas. Many people came and went from this place and their tongues never ceased to express their distaste for it. Even most of your coworkers gave off an air of annoyance with the place. You couldn’t blame them, but basing your experience on first impressions only, it could be worse. Only time will reveal the shithole everyone else claims this place to be.

        It was 20 minutes past 8:00am and the once empty office was now filled and working. Jungkook came out of his office ever so often, glancing over the the desks, ‘tsk tsk tsk’ is all he ever spoke before going back behind his door. You thought to ignore his manner and focus on organizing his schedule based on the emails he forwarded you. He had plenty of meetings, webinars and conference calls to attend, and they were all scattered around. On your shared calendar, you added the event reminder and description for each and every one for the next month, even going an extra step to add reminders on your own calendar the day before, just to make sure he’s up to date. 

        A new email displayed on the screen, an impromptu conference call for Jungkook in 10 minutes labeled ‘URGENT’. You were about to head to his office to notify him, but you remained seated as the entrance door swung abruptly, startling you just enough to make you forget your name and the company you now work for. All you saw was a coat being placed on the rack next to you with an exasperated sigh escaping the core of the individual. Right away, it was clear that if there was anyone in the entire building that hated having to wake up early in the morning just to show up to work in this unfortunate place more than you, it was him. Like the majority of the employees, he looked straight up miserable, even behind dark colored sunglasses. The freshly made venti Iced Americano, the slow paced walk to his desk and his disregard to show up on time were, in your opinion, strong indicators of his likely hatred for his job.

        Settled in his desk, he removed his shades. His narrow, cat-like eyes drew you in like magnets, there was no telling whether or not his iciness was natural, or a ruse to limit his interactions with the rest of the staff. Yet somehow they were still fitting for his rounder, chubbier cheeks. His lips were already pursed downward, but they seemed to curl even further and remain that way almost permanently as Jungkook peered his head out. You tried calling out to him, but your voice was muted by his own exclaims.

“Yoongi!” He shouted, you could say enthusiastically, towards the late addition in the office. He released another sigh, this time accompanied by an eye roll.

“Not now, Jungkook.” His voice was deep and low. Eyes never abandoning his monitor as Jungkook approached him. 

        Whatever conversation they were having was nothing but whispers and subtle head shakes. Yoongi was it? Didn’t seem in the mood for whatever chatter the manager kept going on about. You noticed bow everyone in the office was trying to work, but not being able to steal sudden glances from the conversation. Judging by those, especially Hoseok’s since he was sitting right at the situation, you assume they all had an idea as to what was unfolding. You, however, could only assume was an odd scolding in Jungkook’s manner for him showing up late.

        A ringing alert brought your focus back to your own desk, the incoming call you guessed was from Corporate due to the email. Jungkook had previously requested that you warn him first before answering any calls from them, and you remembered what you were ready to do before Yoongi walked in. Not wanting to bring in any attention to yourself you debated quickly which was the best option, calling him over or going straight to him, but you didn’t even answer yourself before your legs started moving on their own.

“Jungkook.” You tapped his shoulder gently, and spoke softly. The young manager startled a bit, and you were unsure if the other man’s expression was relief or annoyance, but you let it go quickly.

“Yes? Oh! That reminds me. Everyone!” What you wanted to avoid was exactly what he gathered: attention.

“This is Y/N, office secretary. I want you all to make her feel welcome, be kind.” He kept going on one of his badly timed speeches until no one paid him any mind.

“Jungkook, you have-”

“Would you both excuse yourselves and talk elsewhere?” The deep voice that spoke seemed to command more authority than Jungkook did. 

“Sorry,Y/N. Yoongi’s a bit on edge due to his divorce trial.” The last phrase he tried to utter as a whisper by leaning close to your ear, and although he made it sound like such, it was still loud enough for people to hear.

“Do you really have to tell people about my personal life? Where does it end with you?”

“I felt like I needed to excuse your attitude, she’s part of our family now anyways, she can know.” 

        Their bickering picked up again, Jungkook defending the reasoning for his declarations and Yoongi countering with how he always oversteps fine lined boundaries and doesn't have any common sense. Although you very much agreed with what Yoongi was saying that it was an invasion of privacy, you were still caught in the middle of their crossfire and all you wanted to do was inform Jungkook about the god forsaken call.

“JUNGKOOK.” Your raised voice silenced their bickering, and the room came to an onlooking halt. Anxiety started creep behind you due to shouting over your manager on your first day, causing flashbacks of previous outcomes due to this similar situation to roll like a montage in your head, but your patience was running thin.

“What, what is it?” Jungkook, unphased by the situation, cocked his head at you in slight confusion.

“You have a call from Corporate.” You maintained your stern tone, but you were wavering internally. His demeanor took a turn, eyes so wide you feared they would pop out.

“Did you answer?” Whispers gave an undertone of fear. With the phone still ringing in the background, you shook your head.

“Good. Tell them I’m out with a major client. I’m not here.” He hurriedly walked you back to the phone. The glint in his eyes says you should worry, but you swallowed and answered with the same feigned confidence you used for the interview.

“Bang-Lenzo, this is Y/N.”

        You successfully got rid of the Corporate call in the morning, but you were unsure how long that might last given the urgency they requested it with. And Jungkook’s behavior regarding any calls from Corporate today, or the rest of the week from what he stated, was worrisome. It was a concern you’d tuck to the back of your head, it wasn’t your business anyways.

        As the day went on, you saw that life in the office was quite eventful, so to speak. After the ordeal of Yoongi’s divorce proceedings this morning, and Jungkook avoiding Corporate like the Black Plague, an array of unusual things for a normal day to day office routine continued to happen.

        Mainly, Jungkook was entirely distracting. To you, the staff and mostly to himself. He would constantly try to make conversation with anyone, and the topics were always painfully awkward. Anytime he was actually in his office, more time was spent playing Overwatch with Taehyung than doing any kind of work. Not to mention he eventually ventured over to the conference room, with Jimin and Hoseok in toe, for their “twice a day dancercise routine” as their official 15 minute break away from their computers.

        If you thought the nonsense would end there, you were soon to be corrected. It in fact continued in the numerous times Taehyung and Jimin came by your desk asking for copies. And not even official work copies- they were asking you to print out different versions of invitational flyers for their ‘seasonal crop party’. To your surprise, Taehyung had inherited the only strawberry farm in the region due to his grandparents passing, not like you had bothered to ask anyways. The only question you cared an answer for was if Jungkook had approved of using office supplies for this. It shouldn't have shocked you like it did that the man himself had designed the flyer and organized such an event, but still. 

        Lunchtime couldn’t arrive quicker. Some of the staff beelined with their meals over to the lunchroom area, while the others went out to eat. You half expected Jungkook to take advantage of the lunchroom crowd for his shenanigans, but he opted for eating in his office with Jimin and Taehyung instead. You could hear their incessant planning murmurs as you passed by to heat up your meal.

“Y/N!” Jungkook exclaimed once he caught your movement. “If the others give you the cold shoulder, feel free to join us here for lunch.”

“Oh, it’s okay. I planned on eating at my desk,” You chose your next words carefully, feeling the party planners’ gazes. “But I’ll keep it in mind in case I get too lonely, thank you!” The soft smile that spread across your smile was enough to comfort them from the small rejection. They went back to their discussions and you headed for the microwave.

        Peaking your head into the lunchroom, it was filled with the younger, unwelcoming faces from earlier. It’s not like you planned on sitting down and chatting with them, you were there just to heat up your lunch, but upon entry you noticed how their conversations volumes lowered all the way down to whispers and snickers. You focused your attention on the whirring noises and beeps the microwave offered as a mere distraction. It was a curse you carried for as long as you could remember. Any giggle, whisper, snicker, or anything of the sort you heard in your perimeter, you felt was directed at you. As if they could see the list of failures and misfortunes displayed on your back.

        You took your bowl and offered the room a nervous smile and nod before leaving, hoping it came across as a ‘sorry to bother, enjoy your lunch’.  As you exited the room, Hoseok, tailed by Yoongi, was heading with his food over to the conference room.

“Y/N, come join us if you want.” Hoseok was beaming, if the sun was human it would be him. Contrary to the one walking past him, not bothering to stop. He could be truthfully considered the dark side of the moon. Although with his back to you, you could make out his unrelenting scowl reflecting in the conference room’s glass wall. “Ignore him, he’s still mad over this morning.”

“All things considered, I can’t blame him. But I think I’ll pass.” Hoseok hooked his free arm around yours before you could continue.

“Nonsense, you shouldn’t cast yourself out on the first day.” In truth, Hoseok’s friendly manner and joyous attitude couldn’t be denied. You felt his genuine interest in making sure your transition into the office was a smooth one. In the room, Yoongi was already gulpin down his food, not bothering to glance up until he spoke.

“Shut the door so I can tell you…” Words escaped him, replaced by a sigh as he spotted your presence, and Hoseok’s sudden realization of what this lunch reunion entailed. Surely, they were meant to discuss the divorce proceedings, but Hoseok forgot upon trying to welcome you.

“Right… Y/N, rain check? Alone on your first day though...” He sighed as he flushed with embarrassment and you couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Don’t worry,” that was directed more at Yoongi if anything, a small assurance accompanied by the subtlest of nods. The rest was for Hoseok, as a dismissive joke to calm his worries. “I’ll probably join the Crop Festers and their shenanigans.” He cocked his head in confusion, a sharp ‘hm?’ caught in his throat. You brushed it off, leaving them with a wave. Wishing them a nice lunch and closing the door behind you, it was unknown to you that the Crop Festers had overheard, and were expecting you at Jungkook’s door excitedly.

“So you’re joining us then?” Taehyung assumed overjoyed, and Jimin couldn’t hide his giddiness. Jungkook was at the back at his desk, shaking his head in tune with soft chuckles before waving you in. It was clear that there was no way to have an unbothered lunch for the next 45 minutes, so… You joined.

        Tae, as he now urged you to call him, and Jimin made space for you between them. Rice, meats, noodles, and an array of veggies were spread across the desk, now along with your own addition of food and in no time you were all eating and sharing your meals. Jungkook even offered up the few remaining biscuits, causing Tae and Jimin to fuss over why weren’t they brought out sooner and how good of a cook you were. Now they were expectant for next Monday morning for a pleasant cheesy boost.

        Unknown to your conscious self, you were having a nice time. Further into the lunch, you became more involved with the Crop Party planning, and were even getting a bit excited for the day to arrive. A paid work day for a strawberry picking party? Who could say no to that? You weren’t ready to admit it just yet, with it being the first day and all, but… You were starting to like this place, even if you weren’t ready to acknowledge it. Once lunch was over, and everyone was making their way back to their desks, they eyed you with slight annoyance as you walked out of the office along with Tae and Jimin, still laughing at one of Jungkook’s impressions of some of the staff. Unaware, Yoongi and Hoseok exchanged a suspicious glance. Who was to blame any of them? It was a first for them to see someone new being friendly, or accepting the office shenanigans as they transpired.

        Afternoon was a milder version of what the morning turned out to be, everyone was calmer now, and as the hours passed you noticed they worked harder. Even Jungkook was filing reports and taking work calls, as long as they weren’t from Corporate. One of your last tasks was to send out some notice of change in policy emails to clients, it was the most time consuming, but it helped the remaining hours pass by in a flurry.

        Bags started to be packed and coats began to be thrown on as the clock got nearer to 5:00pm. Everyone was ready to put an end to the odd Monday, and you could tell by their soft smiles and shy ‘See you tomorrow’s.  Hoseok dropped by your desk with a “Lunch tomorrow, for sure!” before leaving and wishing you well. Yoongi followed behind him, not offering anything at all. More than likely still fussy over his personal issues being announced in the office. Jimin and Taehyung each went for a goodbye hug, as they were more than excited to have you aboard. Often they carpooled, you found out that they live together on the farm. After being friends for so long, they decided to run it together. Only you and Jungkook, who was still stuck in his office remained. With your things on hand, you peered through his window to give him a small wave which he returned, followed by pointing to the phone and making mocking expressions of talking too much. With a shake of your head, you went to clock out, putting an end to the first day on the job. You would call it a success, for it being your very first 8-5, and it deemed celebration. So once you hopped on your Verna, and peered out of the parking lot, your destination was clear: Slack Jack’s. 

        You had never once been there on a Monday, much less after 5:00pm. Late weekend nights were what you had grown accustomed to due to your old odd jobs here and there. But much to your surprise, the ambience at this hour was much more tranquil and up your alley than what you were used to. You hated crowds and loud groups of people, and there was none of that here. Eyes scanned the bar for your favorite and only owner, who upon noticing your arrival called you over to an empty stool up at the bar. Eager steps made their way over as he placed your favorite shot on the counter: a water moccasin. You paid no mind to the individual next to your stool as you sat down, eyes trained on the peachy, sweet and sour whiskey shot glass before you. Widened eyes stared, unknown to you, as you drank it in one big gulp, placing the now empty glass on the counter, snapping and pointing at Jackson with finger guns as you exclaimed “Hit me again”.

        A smirk played on the corners of his mouth as he placed a second one just as you finished asking. Knowing your habits, he made two as soon as he saw you. “I’m guessing today went... ?” He was expecting you to tell him all about your day, as soon as you finished fighting off the burning feeling down your throat. It was always the second one that got you the most. Hissing for only a few seconds, you spoke.

“Honestly? Honestly honest? I can’t complain.” Alcohol was slowly starting to take effect on you as you rambled on. “At first I was kinda freaked out? Because everyone was kinda weird? OH! And then Jungkook decided to out a guy’s whole divorce or something?” In the background, next to you, someone cleared their throat as Jackson bit his bottom lip, trying to hold in a chuckle, but you went on. “I don’t know, it was weird. But like afterwards, it was pretty chill. Jungkook ain’t that bad. And lowkey? I can’t wait for the strawberry season, dude.” A snort escaped you as you thought back on the Crop Party. You couldn’t wait. Tae mentioned something about making fresh milkshakes, and right now you were wildin’ at the thought.

“So I’m guessing you’ve met Yoongi?” Jackson’s hand motioned you to look to your right. Lo and Behold, Mr. Divorcee was magically there, a citrus whiskey on the rocks in his hands. And that’s when it hits you, you have a loud mouth.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry.” Eyes like a deer in headlights, pleading for forgiveness. Yoongi waved it off. You finally heard his voice without a hint of annoyance.

“It’s fine.” Bringing the glass to his lips, he took a long sip. Which reminded you.

“Jackson, may I please--”

“Have another?” He chuckled as he went to prepare a fresh shot. “Don’t get carried away tonight, though. You work tomorrow, remember?” 

“Hey, I have self control. I won’t drink past 6:30, I swear.” To even prove such control, you didn’t rush to down the shot. Instead you tried to build a conversation with the man in charge of the drinks, but he cursed silently at a reminder.

“Fuck, excuse me for a sec. I have to call my parents.” You remembered him mentioning something about an upcoming anniversary as he rushed to the back, leaving you alone with Yoongi, a shot and your thoughts. 

        Allowing your mind to travel far for a moment, the waterfall of bitter memories with your family started to cloud your field of vision. Forgetting where you were and who was around, you brought your hands up to either cheek and gave yourself some quick, small smacks in an attempt to distract your tear ducts from doing their job. A groan escaped you as you reached for the shot in front of you, disappearing it in an instant. So much for self control.

        The man next to you watched in awe. He already knew far more about you than whatever first impressions you thought you gave, courtesy of Jackson. But he was one to always doubt the extent of the things he said, and since forming odd suspicions of you at the office, he figured now was the time to see if anything added up. 

“Escapism?” The sudden voice shocked you, and brought you back to reality. Another snort made its way out your nose, in an endearing manner.

“You can say that. No, you know what? Life is a bitch.” In your drunken manner, you broke. You vented, you ranted, and you rambled. You laid out your entire life in front of this man, this stranger, revealing more than what was necessary, but you couldn’t stop yourself. “And now here I am.” Fingers tapped the counter, antsy. Waiting for Jackson to come back and serve you yet another shot to calm down.

“I see, I’m sorry for all that. Things are looking up now, at least?” Yoongi shrugged, a winced expression since your story was still fresh in his mind. “But, if it makes you feel any better, I have some fucked up shit going on myself."

“Oh really? A divorce? Family exile beats loveless marriage any day, boy.” Another side effect of your alcoholism was straight up competitiveness. Even though it stung him, he couldn’t help but laugh. For him, it even felt like the first time in a while he had done so earnestly.

“My wife is pregnant.” Whiskey glass was brought back to his lips for a moment, barely touching them. “And it’s not mine.” He finished off the remainder of the glass, while you stared in silence, jaw dropped.

“Whoa, that sucks... How do you know though?” You brought your face closer to him, in curious intrigue, not knowing what personal space was; but he didn’t mind much as he inched in a bit closer to speak.

“I had a vasectomy.” A sighed escaped his core as he too revealed his life to a stranger. “Before we got married, we were clear that we didn’t want children. At least not for a long time, so I got the surgery done. If we ever wanted kids we would have a talk and take out time to decide how to go about it. But one day,” he shook his head, thoughts lost in the memory “she was very persistent that I go get the reversal done. Like, that I had to get it done that week. And I found that suspicious, so I pretended to get it.” His fingers now mimicked yours earlier, lightly tapping on the counter. “We waited the recovery time, had sex, and a few days later, she was pregnant. So I filed for divorce. Do I win now?” His usual serious pout curled into a smirk as you shook your head no.

“Nah, I still win. You can always get a new wife, I can never get new parents. I don’t make the rules, chief.”

        The mood was starting to liven up, but the universe often threw curveballs in your direction. Text alerts distracted you from your office chatter with Yoongi, and again, you soured. It wasn’t often when you received messages from your cousin, but you never talked about the elephant in the room. This time, however.

‘Your dad’s been asking about you lately. Anything worth mentioning?’ You watched the words fade from the pop-up screen, and debated in silence. The shift was visible, and Yoongi caught it as it happened. “Is everything okay?” he asked. Instead of answering, you simply opened the chat and showed him the message. Grabbing your phone in his hands he stared.

“Do I answer? Do I just leave it for tomorrow? What could I even bother telling?” Complaints continued to spew out of your mouth, muting the light clicks of Yoongi’s rapid fingers working on the keyboard. You’re only brought back from your rambles when you feel him pressing your phone still in his hand, back into yours, a message already written out in the text box.

‘I just started at a new office job. Safe, secure. It’s working out.’ Short, simple and to the point. A quick nod was enough for him to press send. As he pulled away, leaving you with the chat which was instantly read, you expected to feel a bit better, but your worries and anxiety remained as your fingers drummed at a quickened pace, itching for yet another shot. 

        Right on cue, Jackson’s presence made its way to you. Catching your tells, his hands moved straight to the Schnapps.

“Actually, I think she might be better off with water instead.” You shot daggers at him, annoyed at such an assumption. “Same for me. You said you won’t drink past 6:30. I don’t make the rules, chief.” You couldn't grumble out much, because as much as you desperately wanted to be irresponsible and drown your sorrows in waves of alcohol, you had a new, very decent, job to uphold. And that required showing up sober.

        The rest of the night went by pretty decently, ending with a new weird routine of going home early instead of waiting until Jackson finished closing off, to drag you all the way to his car. The nights you drove to your home from the bar were less than the ones he posted you up at his own apartment. 

“You’re good to drive, right?” This time, it was Yoongi who was nice enough to walk you over to the beat up Verna at the end of the lot.

“Surprisingly enough, I am. Thanks.” Sticking the key into the lock, you jiggled it around. The only sure way to open the door these days. “What about you?”

“Considering I only had one glass of whiskey, I think I’m alright.” He motioned over to the Genesis next to you. “I’m gonna head out. Drive safe.”

        You nod and make sure he's at least safe besides his car door before entering yours. Turning back briefly to look at you, your goodbye wave stops halfway as his words reach your ears.

“Lunch tomorrow.” Is all he says. he doesn't even bother waiting for a confirmation, he simply gets inside his car and drives away.

        Starting up your car was always a hassle but you got it kicking in no time. As you pulled out of the lot, you spotted the Genesis still at the empty intersection. You flashed your headlights twice before heading the opposite direction, and from your rearview saw him continue on his way. Despite all the characters and particular personas inhabiting the living bodies of your coworkers, you couldn’t help but think: Yoongi's just might be the most intriguing to you after all.

[lo-55]

Revel Ch. 12

Onwards to Ohara                    

 Tori was restless.

 Everyone could see it, from her handmaids to her husband. Ever since she had returned from her trip to her mothers home she had drifted through the halls in the golden afternoon light and walked the fields of her worst enemy without her usual air of cheerful delight.

 Victoria was a people person.

 She always had been, even when the only thing she could focus on was her next paper, her next test score, her college major, her GPA, her STEM projects, she had always loved people.

 She loved humanities and history. Even though it was science that her mind was hardwired for, even though it was mathematics that her parents pushed her to pursue, Tori had always loved people.

 What she wanted to study was humanities. Anthropology, if it must be academic, she didn’t care.

 They had settled for anesthesiologist. Her parents and herself, but mostly her parents. Anything to show off how smart she was. How many grades she had skipped. How many awards she could win.

 By the time she was eighteen she was trapped. Strangled by a blue ribbon around her neck, her leash so short she could barely speak to her neighbors without being pulled away to ‘focus on her future’.

 She hated it.

 Tori was not a spiteful person. She didn’t keep many grudges. But when she died, and she died so young in retrospect, so young and so oblivious to the world, missing out on so much of her life, she      hated    .

 She hated her first grade teacher for telling her parents that she was a genius instead of sending her to remedial classes for being so bored in class that she didn’t do her work. She hated whoever was in charge of her junior high that sent her right on to high school. She was only Twelve and suddenly she was a freshman.

 She hated her parents for pushing her so far and so hard and so      much    without ever letting her climb trees or play but decided to have her test her limits and climb ladders

 She hated      herself     for knowing too much, for showing up her peers whether she was trying to or not, for giving her parents an excuse to isolate her. For not standing up for herself. For not knowing people or making friends. She hated herself for dying alone.

 All of this meant that now, when she was pretty but not smart, did it seem very unusual for her not to strike up a conversation with everyone she found in her path.

 Tori could have seen it coming that Madelle might come for her, or Aelia, or Lapa, or any of her other handmaidens.

 The one person she wasn’t expecting to come find her that warm day in spring, was her husband.

 He found her in the gardens that had begun to grow her own home islands plants. At some point when he had gone home with her, he had also procured seeds and clippings of their flowers and had them planted here.

 Now, almost a year after, they were starting to bud in the golden sunlight.  

 Tori sat amongst them, staring at the sky and thinking about the formation of clouds. The pull of molecules, the weight of water, and the cold upper atmosphere. She thought of light reflection and refraction, and just how could sky islands exist? How were their clouds so thick to stand on but not so heavy that they fell? What stopped gravity from dragging them?

 She had tried for so long so hard not to think too much. Not to try to unravel all of these mysteries, or consider devil fruit, or lost history. Or anything else like that.

 She tried to just be pretty. She tried to just know people, without ever seeming like she knew much at all.

 But now the itch was back.

 The curiosity.

 The want to know.

 It was here and she was having trouble shoving all of it back into the box inside her chest while her mind whirled through things she had once known and tried to forget.

 She was just reminding herself about cloud seeds when a shadow fell across her face and she found herself staring up at her husband.

 “Katakuri,” she said, surprised. She had neither heard nor felt him coming. Not that sensing was her specialty. “Hello,” she sat up slowly, drawing her legs up under her. Her skirts wrinkles around her calves.

 “What’s wrong with you?”

 Tori blinked at him once. Twice. Thrice.

 “Oh. You’re blunt.” What else would she expect? This was Katakuri, not a courtier. He had no need to soften his words to her. Even if he was in a court and not in their home garden, she doubted he would mince his words.

 In fact, if he was more prone to talking she was sure he would wind up in more fights with, well, everyone.

 Katakuri’s brows furrowed and he lowered himself to his knees in front of her. He still towered above her. Tori took the liberty of taking his hand in hers.

 “Forgive me. I’ve been thinking.”

 “Thinking of what?” he asked suspiciously.

 “Ah. Well, a lot of things. The sun and the moon and all of the stars. There’s so much I don’t know, and so many questions I’ve never asked.”

 “Then ask them,” he said, like it was simple. Like it was easy.

     What’s behind your scarf?    The part of her that was still bitter whispered. The part that feared the consequences of what would happen if she was more than just pretty again. But she didn’t ask that. She didn’t say such a spiteful thing, and besides.

 She already knew the answer.

 “There’s some questions that aren’t easy to ask. Or easy to find answers to,” or      legal    to find answers to. “Our library on the island is limited largely to past years accounts and agriculture and irrigation. And the ones on Imperia are similar. I’ve had my lessons there.”

 She did not mention that the only real things she had learned there was the island's personal history and her family's role in it, and to a smaller extent geography and tides. Everything else she had already known. Math, science, and so on, that hadn’t changed across the dimensions. It didn’t help that they didn’t even know what DNA was here. And wouldn’t for another twenty years, if she remembered correctly.

 Katakuri stared at her for a long time, like he was contemplating not her, but the secrets of the universe.

 Finally, he spoke.

 “There is an island,” he said, “Where they have thousands of years of accumulated knowledge. If you want to know something, that is the place to go. South of us, across the calm belt.”

 “In West Blue?” Tori cocked her head. They were in the New World, a million miles away from Paradise. They were sandwiched between the North and West Blue’s.

 It took her a minute to realize.

 He was talking about-

 “Ohara,” his voice was a low rumble. “You could go to Ohara. You’re restless. And snappish.”

 Tori frowned at him. “I am no such thing.”

 He just arched a brow at her until Tori felt herself start to flush. It was a jittery sort of anger. It was fear and old, bitter spite that reared its ugly head when it hadn’t in twenty years.  

 If she gave in to herself, if she let herself start devouring books and knowledge, what would become of her then? Who would she be? What pedestals would she stand on, that even her handmaids and her friends, and her family could not climb to stand beside her on?

 She didn’t want to do that again, but her skin itched and her mind yearned. There was so much she didn’t know. There were so many places she had never been. This world was strange and new and-

 She knew everything, she told herself. She knew how water flowed and clouds formed. She knew how cells gathered together to make a person. She knew how lightning cracked through the skies to the seas. She didn’t need to go to Ohara, there was nothing else she      needed    to know.

 But god, there was so much she      wanted    to know.

 And here was her husband, offering it to her.

 On top of that, he did something only the Orseolo brothers ever really did to her.

 He called her on her behavior. He saw her behavior.

 Tori slowly reached up, and took both of his hands in hers. Her smile was soft, and affectionate. She wanted to grin like a loon, but she didn’t know she could do that yet. She’d had a little too much training.

 “I want to. I want to go to Ohara.”

 Tori was traveling more these days than she had ever travelled in her entire life. In either life.

 The trip from Komugi to Ohara wasn’t a straight shot across the Calm Belt. They had to sail all the way to Reverse Mountain, and then down to the West Blue. The Big Mom pirates didn’t have seastone lining their ships, only the small ship that ferried her away from Komugi, sans her husband but including his young brother.

 At twenty five he was one year older than Tori and still only half grown for a Charlotte, meaning he was actually a foot shorter than Tori was. It was strange to look down on anyone from Katakuri’s family, but whenever they were together she found herself staring at the short cropped purple hair of Charlotte Cracker.

 He was cute, this young. He didn’t have his scar yet and he was all bright eyed and cheerful and utterly terrible at staying still. He also glued himself to Tori’s side as soon as Katakuri asked him to keep an eye on her.

 He only had a modest bounty yet, and that was mostly because he was Big Mom’s son, so he could leave Paradise and not get a whole army of Marine’s on his ass. Unlike Katakuri, who had already gone toe to toe with no less than three rear admirals.

 When she thought about it, he could probably kill her with a napkin.

 It was a good thing they got along.

 Privately, Tori wondered if she wasn’t already halfway in love with him. They were too alike.

 Yet, he couldn't be more different from his younger brother.

 “Hey,” she caught him by his elbow when he went nearly skipping by. They both stayed steady when the boat lurched into the dock. “Calm down, FireCracker. We’re here already. You can stretch your legs,” she teased. He’d gone completely stir crazy somewhere around the second week on the ship, and it was on the backs of the fighters in the crew that his energy fell. He sharpened his skill and sword at their expense.

 Now, he was about ready to leap over the side of the ship and start a fight with whoever he saw. Given that this was an island of scholars, he wouldn’t find anyone who could pose a challenge.

 “Behave,” Tori warned him, and led the way off the boat.

 They both towered across the other inhabitants of the island by at least three feet in all directions. The crew was more average sized and they ran around like bees securing their space at the docks. Tori didn’t know how long she was going to be here. She didn't even know how long Ohara was going to be here, but she was going to take advantage of what time she had.

 Cracker was supposed to watch over her, he’d been sent to do as much by his brother, but she doubted it would last long. She was going to be reading, and he would get bored of that soon enough.

 Cracker reminded her, in some ways, of Gemma. He was a brilliant, brutal fighter and he knew it. But while Gemma was cunning and vicious he was cocky and perhaps a bit foolish. And neither of them could stay still for very long. The curse of always being ‘able’.

 Tori had to crane her neck up, up, up to see the tops of the Tree of Knowledge. It was amazing. It was ancient and towering and it enveloped the entire island in a cool shadow.

 It was every bit as magnificent as Tori had ever dreamed, and then some.

 “It’s strange, don’t you think?” she asked, drawing Cracker’s attention to her. Her handmaidens had stayed on Komugi, dressed as her in turns, to distract anyone who might wish her harm.

 “What is?” he asked, looking away from where he was eying one of the dock workers.

 “The tree of knowledge. It’s old and big. I’ve always thought of knowledge as new and ever growing, infinite possibilities.”

 Cracker squinted at her.

 “... Mama sure picked a good person for my brother.”

 Tori was so startled she didn’t even think of saying anything to him before he was off harassing a strong looking man down the block.

 “A good person huh?” Tori started to smile. Maybe that was true. And maybe Mama had picked out a good person for her, too.

 The hallways of the library of Ohara were vast and packed with so many books it almost made her head spin.

 It was wonderful and just a little bit frightening.

 A lot a bit frightening.

 There was so much knowledge here, so much she could learn and find. It reminded her all too much of fairs and vicious competitions and night spent sitting in front of her parents while they snapped at her any time she didn’t answer perfectly.

 Even more so, because she knew all of this knowledge was about to disappear. It was going to vanish off the face of the earth, lost forever in the flames of a Buster Call.

 It hadn’t registered before. Tori had known, consciously, that there were a lot of books. She had known that a lot had been lost. But to see it? In person, with her own eyes?

 It made her sick to her stomach. Alexandria burned, Carthage was razed, Yunchin was destroyed, Baghdad was sacked, and the Aztecs were utterly destroyed. So much had been lost from her old world, and now so much again was going to be lost from here. How long? How long until this tree was felled?  

 Tori’s fingers itched. Her stomach churned. No, absolutely not.

 Tori caught the arm of a passing librarian, marked by her name tag.

 “Excuse me,” she said politely, ignoring the fact that the woman didn’t even reach her shoulder. “Do you have paper available for the public?”

 The woman looked at her, surprised, and nodded.

 “Ah, yes. There’s paper available next to the almanacs.”

 Tori thanked her a left her to her work. She found the papers and pends, and grabbed the first almanac off the shelf.

 She began.

 It was slow going at first, until she got into the rhythm of it. No one seemed to notice what she was doing, or if they did they were too intimidated to remark on the fact that she was copying down each book she came across.

 In tiny short hand, each stroke of her pen no thicker than even a quarter inch, she wrote down everything. All of it, page after page she copied every book she could get her hands on. She lost all track of time.

 The spell of translation didn’t break until a ruckus of whispers broke through the small reading room she had found herself in. It smelled like books and ink and dust.

 She looked up, expecting the whispering to be about her, but it wasn’t.

 There was a tiny, tiny little girl standing in the doorway, a book as thick as her head in her hands. Her hair was short and straight, even darker than Tori’s, and her eyes were wide and blue.

 Tori wasn’t the only person in the room. Most of the tables were full of people, and when the little girl started looking around those same tables were suddenly over flowing with books and papers, and there was no room for a child anywhere.

 Tori very intentionally moved the books around. The too-small chair she sat in creaked, giving her away to the little girl. There was only one space left in the room, if she wanted it.

 It took a few minutes before the soft thud of a book on the table across from her told Tori that she was no longer alone. Robins head popped up the other side a minute later.

 “Can I sit here?” she asked, her voice quiet and soft. Tori’s heart melted. She’d always had a soft spot for children.

 “Of course you can sweetheart. There’s plenty of room.”

 “Thank you,” Robin smiled shyly at her. Tori returned it, and got back to her work. She finished the book she was working on and started another. She had gone through five before Robin’s voice broke her concentration again.

 “What are you doing?”

 “Hmm?” Tori lifted her head. “I’m taking notes. I don’t live here, and when I leave I still want to have access to some of this information.” All of this information. At least as much as she could get her hands on.

 Maybe it would have been  better to find Clover or whatever his name was and tell him what was to come. To tell him to start evacuating the books, but honestly? Why would he listen to her? She was no one to him. Just a foreign princess and a pirates bride.

 It was the first part of that that meant she could travel as she pleased.

 “I don’t know that language,” Robin leaned forwards before she caught herself, flushing and drawing back. Tori pushed the paper over to her.

 “It’s short hand. A sort of code for writing things down faster. See? That line says ‘      I destroyed Humbaba who lived in the Cedar Forest, I slew lions in the mountain passes! I grappled with the Bull that came down from heaven, and killed him    .’ “

 “That’s a lot,” Robin looked fascinated.

 Tori smiled at her and pulled a chair beside her. “Would you like to learn?”

 Robin’s whole face lit up. “Yes! Please!”

 She scrambled around the table and popped up at Tori’s side, just a little sprite of curiosity and innocence that watched with rapt attention as Tori showed her what she was doing. It was a shorthand unique to her island, to her family in fact. They had records going back a thousand or more years that looked almost identical.

 Tori realized quickly that if she was a genius, Robin was a super genius. She was just a child but she was already fluent in more languages that Tori had fingers to count them on and she learned everything Tori told her without needing anything repeated.

 What a frightening child.

 Tori did enlist her help. She had Robin translate the texts in languages other than japanese and english and in turn transcribe those for her with the promise of stories of her homeland as payment.

 She felt like she was taking advantage of the child, but Robin didn’t seem to mind. She was just happy someone was talking to her.

 Tori wanted to scoop her into her arms and carry her right home to Komugi, sit her down and spoil her for the rest of her life. She didn’t want this little girl to be chased all over by the government, tormented and betrayed for her entire life. She wanted to scoop her up and protect her at any cost.

 It was because of Robin that Tori left the library that night to get dinner in time to see the sun burning into the horizon behind the Tree of Knowledge.

 Cracked appeared with dinner for her, and enough left over for Robin to eat with them, even though he had no idea she was there.

 “Did you clone yourself in there?” Cracker asked, squinting at the little girl when he caught sight of her. Tori was startled into laughing.

 “Oh, yes. A mini-me,” she teased, ruffling Robin’s hair. The little girl stared up at them, stunned.

 Cracker laughed harder than her and grabbed the little girl by the back of her shirt. He lifted her up when she squeaked and propped her on his shoulder while they walked back to the ship. Robin grabbed his hair, looking bewildered but not afraid.

 “Where are we going?” she asked, looking around the town from her new vantage. The villagers were quickly scrambling out of their way. Tori didn’t take it personally.

 “Us? We’re going to our ship to eat dinner. With you, now. But eventually we’ll go back to Tottoland.”

 “Totto Land,” Robin repeated, looking off at the ocean.

 Tori smiled.

 “It’s where we live. Although I’m from Imperia originally. If you ever decide to travel, you should come visit me there. You’d be more than welcome.”

 “Really?” Robin looked at her with such heartbreaking hope.

 “Yes, really,” Tori smiled sweetly at her. “You’re very smart, sweetheart, and I think you’d like it there.”

 Cracker dropped her on the deck of the ship, and the three of them descended into the cabins to eat in peace. Tori couldn't help keeping an eye on the window, searching the horizon for Navy ships.

 In the morning she would go back and keep at her work, but for tonight she ate with Cracker and Robin and laughed at their silly antics. They were both so young and unburdened by the world. Tori wanted to save them, if only she had the strength.

[maikatc]

Black Sun Tale | Dearest

i feel like this chapter has a lot. huh. i’m the the lot is some great content though.

remember that this is a first draft with only minor edits, but enjoy! comments and reception is always appreciated.

-

A snore crept out of one of the two, gentle albeit messy… What a distracting noise, yet that of comfortable nostalgia from being bothered by such a thing, even if both were asleep. 

Though regardless, the spring sunrise shined from the window. Its rays focusing on the room and gleaming on the third-grade textbooks, barely finished, or the piles of papers and utensils on the floor. The conundrum of a mess bustling itself with scribbles of drawings and poetry and leftover clothing picked out after shopping with assumedly-stolen money. Sheet music notes and lesson-charts sat comfortably on the side, piling itself and waiting for when it can scatter around the room with the rest. A ukulele shined from next to the bed and the bookshelf left ignored from the wavering sun whilst a switchblade was left hidden and ignored in the closet for the first time in ages. And with such a sight from the young boys’ room, the loving chaos still hid from outsiders that never knew of one of the two. 

Those two however, shined beyond the rest. From one taking up majority of the bed, and the other almost fighting back with the blankets, they tangled up together in comfort of one another. Their breathing calmed with both of their touch from an earlier embrace and the mere knowledge of the other’s presence lifted one’s fears.  

In the light, one awoke, bothered by it. His mixed eyes pinched with the rising sun, and in the matter of seconds, he realized their tangled position. Despite the oddity, he chuckled silently at the normality. With careful arms, he unraveled Oliver’s arms over his and attempted his best at rolling off again. 

“You aren’t leaving him, are you,” she asked.

“Of course, not,” he whispered back. Away from the bed, his mind wandered to what item in the room to pick up first. For one, the instrument was off limits for the time being after almost breaking a string. Secondly, a sad burnout began erupting for him towards his sketchbook, as Oliver explained prior. Silence was always a rule for the night by Ayu’s standards, from when he snuck across rooms to be rid of his mother’s bottles, to even then to not possibly wake another mother. 

He would have winced at the last choice of the textbook, however in his luck, Oliver stirred. Stirring always meant his soft waking in Ayu’s head. In the anticipation of the new day, Ayu lofted his head at the bed again, waiting for Oliver’s stirring to end, and his eyes to flutter up. 

Oliver met his innocent eyes when he first awoke, shining brightly with those colors of blue and grey, no red in sight. His hands clasped empty, with the person he hugged in the night sitting on the floor next to him. Groggy, he sat up, pulling the blankets that fell over back into the bed. “Can you fix the blankets today?” 

“Yeah.” Oliver rolled out of bed himself with the reply from Ayu. “If you let me skip the math questions today,” he smiled. 

“Ayu, you can’t avoid long division for a week.” Oliver picked up some leftover papers from last night on the floor, forming yet another pile. “It isn’t even that hard to figure out.”

“Says the one who never struggled in school.” He grabbed a paper off of Oliver’s hands. “Besides, aren’t I getting a lesson from Eilwen today?”

“Yeah, but you haven’t seen her in a few months,” he took away the drawing. In it held a simple portrait of outside the window frame. Oliver smiled at the simplicity but continued, “And you haven’t been in school for almost five years. There’s a difference.” 

Ayu pouted, to Oliver’s pity.

“To make up for it, I’ll make whatever you’d like in the fridge,” Oliver said. 

He however retorted, “Isn’t that just the usual deal?”

That was actually a fair point surprisingly. “Well, yeah– but it’s better than nothing, isn’t it? Can’t do much when I’m eleven.”

“… I’ll take it.”

Ayu still sat on the floor with a paper and book on his lap; Oliver lied around in the freshened bed relaxing himself from finished work. Though, Ayu reached out the paper, pointing at a section of the notes, and asked, “Ollie, what’s the fraction remainder of this one?” 

“Two-thirds.” 

*

Eilwen sat by the edge of her candlelit room, darkened from the lack of light. Her head balanced crookedly to the rest of her body with her hands placed justly underneath. The pocket-watch seemed nowhere in sight but in front of her bestowed multiple items. 

Ayu stood by the door, thoughts curating on what sort of lesson he would experience today. His nose tickled and ran from the odd scent of the room. And his eyes burned for no apparent reason. However; remained quiet without much of a complaint.

“Ayu, you do know your eyes are bright red at the moment, correct?” 

In the question and the realization, he blinked and shook his head. “No, not really… But it doesn’t happen that much. Why does it smell funny in here?” 

She answered the second question as a brush off. “I burnt some sage here before you arrived to see effects on you. But, you’re saying your eyes are something of occasion,” she asked. 

“… I guess?” 

The tension grew from Eilwen’s end. She breathed out. “I didn’t call you here for a lesson,” she said, “You’re here so I can test you.”

“What?” The word test frightened Ayu from Oliver’s past mentions of it. “Why do you want to–”

“Your associations with Akeldama are rather peculiar, are they not?” She stood up, holding the first item up against her gloves. Despite the covered cloth, the item steamed in her hands. 

Ayu nodded, backing away in the process. 

“I want to understand why Akeldama has such affiliations with you from what Alice had told me… What your connection with him is, in a sense.” Her eyes tilted towards the other items behind them then. “I assume you heal quickly like Oliver?” 

The question rang worry. “Why are you asking?” 

“I won’t if you don’t abide to it, but I hoped to see at least some blood samples from you to be frank.” The item still steamed in her hand, but her face showed no reaction. 

The sight brought Ayu to ignore her answer. “Isn’t that thing painful?” 

She finally held it in the sight of Ayu; it was a cross. “Why, yes it’s supposed to from our contracts with Akeldama. But I’ve held one enough times for my hands to be null void.” Her eyes blinked into a pause. “It’s safe to assume that this may hurt, and you may run off if you like.”

But the door already left them. 

“Are you willing to help me run these tests?” 

With hesitance, but curiosity, Ayu nodded. 

“Thank you.” 

Soon enough, Ayu was seated in a chair placed near the table, oddly ready for any testing.

Kneeling closer to him, she asked, “Where would you want this placed if it stings?” 

He gestured at his legs, not as boney as their prior meeting, but enough for Eilwen to comment, “You seem to have harmed this place already…”

“Just get it over with,” he said. 

With an eye at him, she replied, “Alright. Please don’t kick if it does hurt. I’ve heard of your strength before.”

And with the comment, she placed the cross down on his shin in the slowest of pace. From the tip of the metal to the mass of the shape, a burning sensation kicked instantly. 

His urge to jolt attacked him with the pain, but instead of doing as such, he hissed instead for her favor, “Stop, stop, stop–”

She herself jolted from the command, and pulled back with a stern expression. Her eyes studied the shin it was placed in, “Oh dear.” 

The recovery from the pain still lasted, up to his stomach’s own urge to somehow vomit. “What?” 

“It seemed to have left a mark.” 

“It what?!” 

“Do you have a pain tolerance?” She asked. “Because it seems to be very harmful.” 

The surprise made Ayu fluster, “How bad is it?” 

“Close to blistering it appears,” she turned to him, “but it looks bad enough that you should have screamed…”

The scent of the room did not help with the minor pain that left regardless. “I can’t compare how bad it was… I don’t think I’ve been hit by someone before. I’ve only hit… others, and myself.” 

Her staring froze. “Is that where these bruises are from?” 

“Yeah,” he answered, “I’m dumb aren’t I?” 

“Idiotic.” A hand grabbed bandages from the side and wrapped both injuries. “Let’s see what’s next.”

She pricked deep enough into his finger for a decent amount in her sample vile. The color of his blood strained darker than most other shades he had seen. 

“What are you gonna do with that anyways?”

She answered, “Test it with everything else. The plant will be the more interesting subject considering how an iblis’ blood can be poisonous if found.”

“How poisonous is the monster blood?” It was a strange idea to Ayu, considering he had never seen the blood of the monsters before.

She scoffed, “You can turn into one of them yourself if you indulge in it, though it takes a couple of pints.” She grabbed the cursed cross again, “Let’s try it here first.” 

On top of a wooden plate, the experimenter tipped the vile ever so slightly. With time, the dark blood crept down on into the cross, and at the first touch, the blood burnt off.  

A click nipped from her lips. “Uncommon attributes in your blood I see.” 

Throughout the entire procedures, her hands never wrote notes onto anything, to Ayu’s notice. Her calculations all occurred in her head with little analysis, and the methods all formally played out in her assumptions. In curiosity of these readings, he asked her, “How do you know all this stuff?” 

Already, her focus faced the plant in the very corner. Its stems stuck up in thickness and lines whilst the leaves made no focus for themselves, leaving the stems to wander up and about around the vase. “I know most of these through experience. However, Alice did teach me of basic human study after her days in home remedy.”

Another drop formed from the vile into the plant, and after a mere second effects arose. 

Eilwen stepped back from the reaction, as the stems that stretched so lively began to wilt and grow black. All the parts of the plant dove down from its previous ways and lied dead on its vase with the dark colors quickly proceeding. 

“This…” Eilwen held her breath, only to Ayu’s wonder for the plant. 

Despite its obvious death, once the black corroded through the being, it dissolved back into the vase. Then abruptly sprouted again into snapping little creatures. The creatures almost hissed in wails, seeping out the tiniest bits of liquid, but soon enough a flame was put through it. 

The flame, brought upon by Eilwen and her candle, also died down relatively quickly with the monster. 

Without Ayu even realizing, Eilwen huffed from assumedly her held breath. “That…” She placed her candle down. “I wouldn’t have guessed.” 

The door appeared once again. 

“You may leave,” she said, “I believe I have enough of what I need… Be wary of what’s to come soon.”

*

Oliver left himself in his ‘I give up’ stance again, lying down in the grass field after ages of exhausting himself over shapeshifting. 

Into the sky, he groaned, “You think it’s supposed to be easier after making a fucking cup disappear but now you’re warping your physical form.” And the frustration leading his hands to pull his face. 

With the sky, he stared at it for far too long. Enough for his focus to trance into the abyss of his blank thoughts. But after another blink, a pair of eyes stared down at him. 

“What’re you doing,” Ayu asked. 

The suddenness of his appearance bolted Oliver up, knocking their foreheads together evenly. “Holy shit,” Oliver hissed while getting up, “where did you come from?”

“I just walked up here!”

“But I didn’t even–” He paused. “Is this how it feels to get invisible-pranked?”

In reaction and quick recovery form the hit, Ayu only blinked. “I don’t know.”

“Great response.” Oliver brought himself up again from Ayu’s arrival. “How come you’re here so early.”

A shrug rolled from his shoulders, “Eilwen let me off just now so I came to watch you practice.”

The new pressure of the hour claimed itself to Oliver. Now with his widened eyes and his lazy state, he waited for Ayu to add. 

“I’ll be quiet support,” he cheered with jazz hands, to the other’s adoration. “But… what are you doing?”

The topic, in which Oliver never wanted to try again, needed to be explained yet again by his sigh, “I got introduced to shapeshifting today.” 

“Oh, my God,” Ayu jumped in his seat, “You’re doing it for once?”

“Yeah,” the excitement rolled Oliver’s eyes over. “But, I have to figure out how to deteriorate my body first!”

And with just those words, Ayu’s expression changed and his head tipped over. 

“… I’ll turn into a black abyss then I can turn into things.”

“Oh!” The idea finally clicked. “That… Okay I get why that’s hard now.” 

Oliver nodded along with him, and sat back down with him. “Today I’m just trying to get my hand to warp.” He placed his hand into front attention, and both him and Ayu stared into it. 

“… Is anything gonna happen?”

“Nope.”

The issue brought some struggles into the table for Ayu’s day, as thought was required. Though luckily, ideas already crept through his mind during the conversation. “Did you try… turn your hand invisible.” 

The command baffled Oliver at first. “What? Okay.” But the command was simple by this point. Within a few seconds, his hand vanished between the two of them. “Now what?” 

He needed to think up of the words. “Pretend like that hand that should be there, belongs to someone else?” 

“Like whose?” 

“I don’t know.” Some digging dove in his mind. “Let’s say Faustus to make fun of him.” 

Oliver chuckled. 

“Faustus wants his hand back,” he said. “But you’re hiding that hand from him.”

“Through invisibility?” 

“No,” he replied. “From making it not exist for him.”

With his foreign words, Oliver followed what Ayu said with hesitance. “Now what?” 

“Turn off the invisible stuff.”

And from those silly words, Oliver did just that. His hand slowly revealed itself, to both of their dismay to see the typical brown. However, soon enough the tips of his fingers appeared, and one was missing.” 

For a few seconds, they both stared. Then Oliver spoke out, “What the fuck?” 

A bend of the hand later, the piece is still gone. He pulled it over and inside the missing piece of limb was a void of nothingness inside the hand. Eyes widened, Oliver shook it back and forth, and then poked himself with the finger. The piece literally was not present. 

Disheveled, Oliver confirmed, “Okay, so I think it worked, but how do I undo it?”

“Uh,” Ayu panicked after realizing even he never knew what he was saying. His own limbs shook in thinking. “Just think it exists again?” 

“I don’t think that’s enough description, Ayu!” 

“Do you think I know what description is,” he barked. “I don’t know, bite your finger?”

“Ayu,” Oliver stated, “My pain tolerance is nonexistent; I’ll bite my finger off if I do that.”

“Fuck you’re right,” he agreed. “And I don’t want to punch you again…”

“Why are all your backup options involving me getting beat up?” 

 Ayu answered back, “Because those are the ones I was always taught!”

“Well, that’s another thing that’s concerning but we’ll talk about that later,” he exclaimed. But it turned out that after their small argument, they looked back at the issue and it already returned. 

They both took a minute, but sighed in relief once they hit the ground. 

“… You really resort to punching?” 

Ayu reminded himself of the comment. After a few shuffles, he said, “I guess so.” He went on, “I ask what to do and it’s pretty much always fighting back… and hit yourself to make you stop. All that stuff.” 

A tense grew in Oliver. “Ayu, that’s really not a good thing?” He rolled over towards Ayu, leaning himself on one arm. “That’s just bad for your wellbeing, and makes you a dick. Besides, it’s cooler to use your wits nowadays.”

Ayu replied, “But I’m not smart, I’m just dumb.” 

And at that moment all the insults Oliver threw months before clicked back to him. Oh shit. “You can be smart, like just now. You were able to figure out deterioration before I could.” 

“I guessed though. I didn’t even know what I was saying.”

“But it worked.” 

“Even though I couldn’t help you get rid of it…” His body turned around, away from Oliver. 

A small frown packed Oliver’s face, obvious of Ayu’s growing discomfort. A new strategy had to be formed, quickly at that. He stood up from their lazy states. “You know what? I think I know what we could do while we’re here.”

“What?”

And Oliver turned invisible. 

“Really,” Ayu complained. 

However, it was all in Oliver’s plans of new fun. Backing up, he set himself to charge at Ayu and run away of impact. Luckily, he gained some speed through his dieting, and the abilities helped. After a decent distance, enough to only view Ayu as a well-sized blob, he ran towards him. Swiftly, the breeze grazed his hair and face at the charge, and with nifty hands, he patted Ayu’s head. 

“Tag,” he yelped while appearing again, only to hide himself once more. 

“Oh,” Ayu got up as well. “Oh, you little fuck,” he smiled. A jump and a kick off later, and he busted running in his speeds.

The speed itself flinched Oliver for its arrival, but he laughed and continued running nonetheless. 

For Ayu, however, was a different story. Despite Oliver’s own advantage of his invisibility, the crunches he formed onto the grass still paved his path everywhere he ran. Then lurking in his ears, Ayu heard those footsteps and all the twists Oliver made in his own escape, an experience he already faced prior. But regardless, he played along with Oliver’s sense of superiority in the game. 

“Come on, Ayu! I’m pretty sure out of anyone, you can catch me,” Oliver cheered. 

Oh, is that what he’s going for? Ayu sighed in his head, but figured Oliver was already putting all his efforts in anyways. Suppose he just wanted to lift his spirits, in fact, he was, but the comment already seemed forced. Regardless, he determined himself to take advantage of the moment. “Alright, guess I will.” 

Tracking Oliver’s running patterns seemed easy enough. His turns, after a good bit of fake-running and waiting, finally made to where Ayu could catch him. And at that time and curve, Ayu ran for the win. 

With Oliver’s breeze of a run, he turned his head to check Ayu’s whereabouts, ready for the next tease. However, he did not expect Ayu to run directly at him in the side, then tackling him with the yell of a, “Tag!” 

The momentum of the tackle left both of them falling and rolling together on the grass in recoil. Through the rolling and tumbling with grass sticking to their clothes, it ultimately ended up with Ayu pinning Oliver underneath him in winning fashion. They stared into each other, but the rolling pains hit them both as Oliver laughed, “Okay, I think I lost.”

Ayu, blinking for a second, laughed back and let go of the position, returning to lie down next to him. 

They giggled off a little more for the childish game, disregarding them still being children.

“The tackle didn’t do anything, did it?” 

“No,” Oliver reassured, “The rolls just cracked my bones a bit much.”

“No breaking?”

“Pretty sure not.”

The new silent peace brought upon Oliver to add on to it. “… How long has it been since we’ve met?”

Ayu said, “We met in October, so that’d make it seven months, right?”

“Good math.”

“Thanks.”

Oliver continued after his compliment. “A lot happened after that, didn’t it?”

“Mainly because of coincidences but fair point.” The grass itched Ayu’s skin but in a comforting manner. “Honestly, the monsters have been gone long enough that I can relax a little more.”

“Yeah, now I’m the only one you have to deal with.”

“Don’t say that!” 

Oliver giggled at his retort, “Okay I’m exaggerating; we haven’t seen the wolf in forever, I know. But you have to admit, I still have monstrous tendencies even if we doubt it.”

“Don’t we all?”

“… Yeah everyone here’s a little fucked up apparently.” 

A calming ambiance chilled them over while they gazed at the sky together. However, for Oliver, the topics that he hid from himself and Ayu rushed back in his mind through the silence. The time was perfect for him to ruin it, but everything always ruined everything, so he pushed ahead. 

“Ayu… How are you feeling right now?” 

Ayu tilted his head towards him. “Good? This is kinda nice, you can say.” 

“No, I don’t mean that,” Oliver said. “I mean, it’s good that you’re feeling good right now but–. How are you feeling about life? With how you got here, and the wishes, or your dreams?”

Ayu gripped his hair. “Isn’t that a little much to ask?” 

“I just want you to let out whatever’s in your mind for once,” Oliver said. “Since I don’t think you’ve ever gotten much of that.”

“Yes, I have,” he argued. 

But it was all invalid with, “Ayu, you told me you were taught to cope by beating stuff up six minutes ago.” 

The counter jabbed Ayu a bit with his own prior words. He blinked a few times, then breathed out. “Okay, but there’s not much to say.” 

“That’s fine, just let it out.” 

Thinking forced Ayu to sit up. “… Where do I start?”

“Anywhere, I assume. And I’ll ask as you go on probably.” 

That help reached Ayu as if nothing touched him. “Okay… I guess let’s start with my dreams?” 

No reply. 

“There’s nothing that bad with my dreams; actually, I think I like them,” he began. “Uhm, I like them because they’re good for my stories. But, they usually add more to it than needed from what people told me, and it makes everything too confusing for them to like. My stories are trashy, compared to how I wanted them to be since… I never told anyone this before, but…”

“But what,” Oliver asked. 

For some reason, Ayu could never control his grin at the motive. “I’m making my comics for somebody; I want them to be proud of me after I worked so hard.”

A smile crept from Oliver. “That’s pretty sweet.” 

However, the tone died after breaking innocence. “They don’t like how I made it, though. It’s disappointing… They said nobody would ever bother to read it… That’s one of the ways I’m kinda incompetent, really incompetent.” 

“Ayu, you’re not–”

“Shut up,” he exclaimed, “you already told me that a million times.”

His tone brought Oliver to fear in his tangent. Had he ever heard the boy tell him something like that?

“I’m an incompetent, dumbass kid,” he said. “I’m that dumbass who killed so many people because I asked without thinking. I was eight sure but can I do anything about it now? No; because I’m too fucking weak to do anything about it despite every step I take and I’m hurting people somehow.”

His words picked up in volume, and his speeds brought his monologue into rambling. The more he spoke, the more he pulled his hair as well. 

“Everybody is suffering because of me and my stupid, selfish wishes. I wanted to be a hero; I wanted to have friends, but I didn’t know what that meant. And I can’t stop it! I have to rely on everybody and sit around with only comics at my side and even that is terrible! I do nothing and I practically am nothing; pretty much nobody knows I exist anymore anyways. And none of this would have happened if I was a bitch and–”

With all of his huffs and drive, he stopped. Gasps for air came his way for his held breath. But soon, his breathing crumbled, along with his voice. 

“Why did I run…?”

All of his venting shook Oliver in his core. The pieces of this conclusion seemed as something that laid right in front of him for ages. Yet, only now did he see them pieced together. And that, processed poorly. “Ayu, what–”

Ayu propped himself up and his feet moved with his mouth. “Fuck this.” 

Oliver’s processing unit somehow slowed from its increasing malfunction. But once Ayu continued walking farther, he himself propped up into a quick run. “Ayu, wait.” He grabbed his hand, grasping it and holding it steady. Denying words could never work again, he figured. So, basic assurance seemed as the only thing of help. “It’s going to be okay.”

“How?!” 

He gulped, “I’m here… and we’ll fix it all together. One step at a time.” Lacing their fingers together, Ayu’s shaking, Oliver brought to him a smile. The same peaceful smile he raised up to his mom for so many years, all to preserve life behind the dread. 

Despite his efforts, Ayu did not turn and eye into it. Instead, he froze with the shaking hand, and clenched his grip. 

“Ayu,” he cried, “that–” but he stopped the rest of the sentence. Another trigger would ruin the moment, so he endured the pressure. 

And afterwards, Ayu chuckled with the smallest sound. “You’re a lot nicer than before. You know that?”

Ignoring the pain, he replied, “I’ve always been nice; it’s just that I think I forgot how to care for a while until you came along.”

“I’m just that much, aren’t I?” He yanked out of the hand-holding, much to Oliver’s lost balance. “We should go back to Alice. It’s been a while hanging out here.”

Regaining balance, Oliver stared at the now calm Ayu in disbelief, as it seemed he copied his own style of emotion recovery and avoidance. Well, not entirely, but similarly in nature. “Uh… Yeah I guess we should.”

As they arrived, Alice stood by the porch table, setting the final touches to what appeared as Oliver’s proper meal of the week. The faint scent already hit his nose as he waited for the satisfying dish. 

With a quick glance, Alice jeered out, “Oliver! How is your progress now?” 

“It’s okay,” he yelled back. “What’s the food today?” 

“An average roast. I didn’t have many ideas in mind today.” 

“Well, it still smells good,” he added. Once he reached to Alice’s spot, he took over the seat. 

“Wait a moment, Oliver, I still need to fetch a utensil.” However, right as she began entering back into the cottage, her eyes glanced at an Ayu standing by the side. “Oh, you can sit along with him. I prepared a meal for you too.”

“You did?” 

“Yes,” she nodded. “I knew of Eilwen calling you over for something so I figured you should have something else for the occasion.” 

“Huh,” he said. Hopping from the steps to the porch floor, he replied, “Thank you,” as he sat by Oliver, ready for their first time dining together. 

***

“Alice, why are you taking us inside?” 

“Because,” she led them inside her cottage and the surprisingly various rooms inside. “It’s been some time since you asked me for that gift you mentioned, and I’ve finally gotten what I needed to give it to you.” 

One final turn interrupted Oliver. “Wait, do you mean– oh, my God!” He ran towards the present in astonishment around his face. 

Ayu watched in confusion. What Oliver gushed over in awe appeared to be a piano, but one of old browns and rust. He figured the boy would never be impressed by the quality. Though, the rustic nature had an appeal. 

“Alice, how did you find this?” He squeaked at the press of an out-of-tune key. “This is an antique!” 

He studied the features of the metals and the wood cuts around it all as Alice spoke. “Well, I went and talked to Akeldama about you wanting the instrument, and he happened to have a lot lying around according to him.”

The name rang a bell for both of them, and they both questioned, “Akeldama had this?” 

“Why, yes. He has many items in his pocket dimension.” 

Ayu asked, “And what’s that?” 

“His storage space.”

Oliver cracked up at the fact, but Ayu stood baffled at the idea of Akeldama giving such a gift to Oliver. 

In playfulness, Oliver played a few chords to test. “I wonder how old this is from the lack of tuning… Did Akeldama not care?” 

“He may have not been interested in this one specifically, but it may have been the best he had. And if it needs adjustments, he may still know a thing or two.” 

The offer seemed promising, but Oliver shrugged it off. “Nah, I think this is fine. It fits the old-ness in a way.”

The chords built themselves off more and more, but they all played choppily. And after a few more notes he knew from his own signature instrument, his mind paused. … I don’t know how to play this thing. Through a simple yet rushed transition, he set aside his playing. “I’ll need some practice but honestly, this is great,” he laughed. “Hey Ayu, why don’t you try a little?”

Ayu, staring by the side, whipped his mind awake and asked, “What?”

“Come on a play,” he repeated. 

“Why would I play it? It’s yours…” 

He beamed at him. “Because, it sounds funny. Plus, it’d be nice for you to just try it out since I don’t know much either.”

That smile intimidated Ayu somehow, enough to give in. And he sat beside him on the piano seat. Once some moments of silence set in, he knew Oliver would not guide him yet. Thus, he prodded his fingers onto the keys, one by one, pressing at random. No melody formed, nor did a tempo, or a key, or anything of substance. This went on for multiple seconds to a few minutes. 

The stiffness bothered Oliver to no end, in reality, as his patience stabbed him in the gut for letting Ayu play in such a way. However, an alternative was found to save himself from such experimentation. “Here, let’s teach you a chord.” 

He guided one of Ayu’s hands to the beginning of an octave, and slowly adjusted his fingers to the right keys. Once they aligned correctly, he gently pressed for him to play. 

“That’s what should be a C major chord.” He patted Ayu in the achievement. “And I think you can make up your own now, can you?” 

For a moment, Ayu glared at the keys, carefully placing his fingers over new ones and pressing. 

“Interesting… That’s a suspended chord.”

“You know I won’t remember anything you’re telling me, right,” he asked deadpanned.

Oh no, the attitude is back. “Probably.”

“Oh,” Alice said while in the background. “Oliver?”

“Yeah?”

“I assume you’re about to leave, correct?”

Oliver nodded while playing with Ayu. 

“There’s something else I’ve been saving for when you do leave,” she said.

Curious, Oliver turned and stood from his seat towards her. “What is it?” 

Opening her book, she summoned a flat-looking bag in front of them. “When I asked for the piano, Akeldama said to also give you this along with it.” 

She handed it off to him, and both him and Ayu looked at the small bag in confusion whilst the inside felt hollow. “Why’d he give me this?”

She shook her head, “I do not know, but you may open it.”

From the bag, Ayu gathered next to Oliver as well. The strangeness of the gift increased most definitely for both of them, but what was inside still mystified the air. 

Reluctantly, Oliver opened the bag to find the hollow item, and even then, was there more confusion. 

***

Huh, Oliver stared at the gift after his research in his room. From its sheen wood surface that plated itself with small metal keys, it was a confirmed kalimba, or thumb piano as the internet sometimes called it.

Such a strange item, he studied. Its keys played gently of that of a music box for a lullaby, which it technically could be accounted for both literally and purposefully. Sure, it was mix-matched, and the pretty keys were jagged from age, but the sound made up for it all. Melodies formed easily and gracefully even if played choppy from his infers. Honestly, it seemed of some use for his style of music and covers. 

While studying he joked, “Ayu, you can probably master this thing, its super simple.”

But Ayu’s reply was nothing. 

Despite the silence, Oliver continued. So, Akeldama first gives me a switchblade and now a nice, aesthetic instrument? We need to look more into him nowadays. – 

“Hey, Ollie,” Ayu called out from the bedside.

“What is it?”

“Come over here.”

A lopsided look was given to him, but light only illuminated in Oliver’s corner of the room, so Ayu’s expression hid in the darkness. Regardless, Oliver stepped onto the bed by Ayu’s side and asked, “What’s up?” 

And only in the matter of seconds did Ayu tackle him again, only onto the bed and in a shaking hug. He grasped and clung to Oliver as tight as ever, yet the grip was weak and shivering. 

Soon whilst lying down, a sniffle covered the room’s sound, then another, until cries rang onto Oliver’s ears. 

“I,” Ayu trembled in his words, “I’m sorry… I can’t do anything.” 

He continued crying into Oliver’s chest, rubbing his tears all over his sweater. Oliver looked down upon what was occurring, but instead of any surprise or panic, he knew something would arise from that conversation. More than he initially expected. 

He hugged back, cradling the boy’s head in his arms and brushing the tuffs of his hair. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he whispered, “I’m here for you, remember?” 

With every comb, his hands faintly touched Ayu’s shaking body. He gasped for the air out of his cries and wailed in choking up. 

“Here, let’s…” Oliver glanced over from their position, in which they were stuck in the middle of the bed, and all of Ayu’s weight hefted onto him. “Let’s get a little bit more comfortable…”

He moved them into the pillows and under the blankets, where Ayu still hung on Oliver under his head.  

“Ayu,” Oliver began, “you’re a good person. I know that for sure.” 

He remained silent, much to Oliver’s incline. 

“You’re probably the best person I’ve ever met. A best friend if you will. We’re best friends, right?” 

He felt a nod underneath him. 

Oliver smiled. “I’m glad… Out of anyone, I think I was the selfish brat at first, but then I met you, as dumb as the introductions were,” He chuckled at his speech. “You changed my life, and helped me realize that I wasn’t going to be alone forever and…” Even he began to choke up at his words. 

“And what,” Ayu croaked. 

“You aren’t going to leave me.” Despite the emotions, Oliver set it aside from Ayu’s turn. “That was my fear, I guess. But you disproved that and you haven’t left me alone since; and, you’re wonderful to be around.”

Only those sniffles were left to handle. 

“You’re more…” Damn, compliments are trickier like this. “You have this stubborn bravery to you that I like. And your simple thinking’s actually calming for me since I overthink half the time… Simple’s the best way to put it; you answer everything as you see it and I think it works for a duo like you and me. Despite everything you’ve been through, you still want to stand with your goals since you know that’s right… That’s what I love about you; you have hope. You had enough hope to give me a chance, to tell me that everything will be better just like I’m telling you right now. I would’ve given up, Ayu, so long ago, and right now I’m stopping you from going down the path I could’ve gone to.”

He hugged Ayu back as tight as he did. 

“I’m sorry if I ever said or did anything to hurt you. I didn’t know what I was saying. You’ve gone through just as much as I have… That’s something else I realized.”

With his words, Ayu kept silent. But finally, he said, “Thank you.” Then asked, “… Can you keep on talking? Just about anything. I want to listen to you.”

He nodded back. “Alright. Anything?” 

“Yeah…” 

Memories of his own request flurried back in Oliver’s mind in his understanding of that need of comfort. “I can talk about how my day was with you, then,” and the words fluttered in Ayu’s ears as he calmed from his stuttered breathing.  

“Oh yeah, there was this thought I had for a while.”

Ayu nuzzled in from the cuddling, still listening to Oliver’s words as it started to dry out from speaking. He listened to his day, his thoughts, his imaginations, ideas, epiphanies, everything that whisked him away somehow. They all expressed mindfulness in each word, and he could not have enough. “What is it?”

“I started thinking about this scenario,” Oliver rasped, “about if the world ended.” 

His own voice drowned in a drowsy state, eyes burning from all the crying and exhaustion. “That doesn’t sound like a nice thought.”

“Obviously not,” he huffed. “But, I was wondering what people would do… and what would I do in that scenario. If the world was dying, and it was only a matter of time for me, or you, or anybody to be next.”

“…And?”

“There wasn’t much I could think of, since it really does depend on how the world ends, but out of all the routes, there’s only one thing I want to do for all of them.”

The nature of the conversation rang dangerous bells for Ayu, yet he continued it with, “What would that be?”

He said, “I would never want to go to sleep.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because,” he explained, “you can die at any point when it’s all over. So, if I’m asleep, I can die in my sleep, and I would never have the chance to goodbye… to anybody.”

His answer spoke to Ayu, and remained as words for him to remember always. However, with his tired mind and recovering state, he replied, “Makes sense… Ollie, can you sing for me?”

He looked down upon him. “Is there a particular reason why?”

“The world’s not ending, so I think I’m ready to sleep right now.”

He chuckled a little, combing his hair once more. “Okay. I’m guessing you want an original.”

“I never heard one so,” Ayu snuggled in with his own smile, “obviously.”

Oliver’s face warmed, but without any embarrassment. “Okay, Ayu.”

And with lyrics for the occasion, he quietly sang a piece from those nights of new beginnings.

“My dearest, 

all the shadows that have followed us have come 

and gone. 

My dearest, 

all the darkest that had weighed me down

is far and long evermore.

My dearest, 

you have come to greet me in a light 

that shines across us every night…

My dearest,

We will roll along again.”

Oliver’s eyes drifted, with his last view being Ayu sleeping by him, his tears gone and his breathing cooled. He smiled as he closed that view, uttering the last words. 

“My dearest, 

We will roll along again.” 

-

Ten Dollars | Bread and Water | Red Eye | Crimson Capture | November 1st | A Mother | A Demon | A Child | The Wolf | Bloody Fingers | A Monochrome World | The Pocketwatch | I’ll Have My Day | Two Weeks | Monsters | Sleepover | First Meal

[fire-the-headcanons]

The rest of the students all scowled, eyes screwed shut, except for Qrow. Professor Mikado was frowning at him, and as Summer watched, he pulled a loose bullet from his sleeve and tossed it gently in his face. Aura sparks flickered red as it bounced off his defenses and clattered to the floor. "Mr. Taupe, you will find the exercise more effective if you attempt it."

"Why would I want to lower my shields if you're gonna throw things at me?"

Summer snorted, aura flying back out into place as she tried not to laugh, and she wasn't the only one.

Follow the Beacon Summer—Missing Piece

[Link to Masterpost]

[TW for blood and injury. @ranger-lcat yelled at me that it was gross, anyway.  Summary at the bottom as usual.]

"It's really not bad…" Summer said.

"Sure."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

You don't seem fine. How could someone be so… present in a fight, and so determined to be invisible the rest of the time? Our team is so disjointed. If I'm supposed to be the leader, does that mean it's my fault?

It had been a rocky first month of school. At least Raven had been less hostile than during initiation, but mostly the twins were just quiet. It was hard to be friends with people who only ever wanted to talk about schoolwork…

…though Summer had to admit the obvious advantages to having study partners who had grown up outside a Kingdom. Actually outside a kingdom, not on a sheltered island where Signal's staff and students outnumbered the locals three to one. 

Camping, tracking, identifying Grimm… anything even tangentially related to outdoor survival, they were masters. Luckily for them, Summer and Tai were fairly good with math and history. What team STRQ lacked in camaraderie they made up for in study group efficacy.

And Qrow worked harder than anyone in every subject—but he refused to work on his Semblance. He wouldn't go to the classes, wouldn't try meditating or aura focusing, and whenever she tried to bring it up he'd interrupt her with a question about history. 

Which was how Summer ended up heading to the gym on the last Thursday of September with a very sullen friend finally in tow. She couldn't understand it, she'd been dreaming of unlocking her own gift since forever.

The door squealed open, and the gym's occupants paused in their conversations. Professor Mikado broke into a smile. "Mr Taupe, welcome."

"Uh...thanks."

The other students went back to their conversation as he approached them both. "There's no need to feel nervous. This is not a remedial class, it's more of a guided meditation group," he reiterated what he'd said to everyone else during the first session.

Qrow frowned. "Then… why is it mandatory?"

"Several combat schools have found it beneficial to have regular support groups for students that are having trouble with their Semblances. Ozpin extended the program to Beacon."

"Oh."

He chuckled at Qrow's defeated expression. "Don't worry, it's only mandatory the first year. Please, give it a chance—you'll find some good friends here."

Qrow nodded, and the professor turned to address everyone. "Welcome back. Today we'll be trying a meditation style that originated in Vacuo, though it was long before the actual Kingdom was founded." He took a seat on one of the mats, legs crossed with arms resting comfortably on them. Everyone else quickly followed. "Begin with slow breaths—breathe in as you count slowly to four… hold it, and count to seven… release as you count to eight. In… hold… out…"

They'd done the breathing exercises every week, but the professor was probably trying to get Qrow on the same page.

"Now, focus on your aura. Feel it swirling, ebbing and flowing with each breath. Draw it all into your core, as if gravity were weighing it down."

Summer's shields faded as their fuel retreated toward her heart. It didn't feel anything like gravity, it felt like trying to stuff a plushie while sitting inside it. Wisps of cotton, springing back into place as soon as she removed her focus.

It was a powerful and a vulnerable feeling, having so much energy packed in around her heart but having no defenses. Almost unsettling, in a way. Finally, with something like a secure grip on all the little cotton strands, she risked looking around.

The rest of the students all scowled, eyes screwed shut, except for Qrow. Professor Mikado was frowning at him, and as Summer watched, he pulled a loose bullet from his sleeve and tossed it gently in his face. Aura sparks flickered red as it bounced off his defenses and clattered to the floor. "Mr. Taupe, you will find the exercise more effective if you attempt it."

"Why would I want to lower my shields if you're gonna throw things at me?"

Summer snorted, aura flying back out into place as she tried not to laugh, and she wasn't the only one.

The professor chuckled as well. "Begin by relaxing, then. That's what the slow breathing is intended for."

Focus. Summer shook herself mentally. The exercise works a lot better if you attempt it. Okay… drawn in like a well of gravity…

Minutes passed, probably. From the occasional frustrated noises of the other students, they were having a harder time with it. She'd always had easy mastery of her aura, which made her lack of Semblance even more—

BANGhissssss

Something slammed into her right side, throwing her down and pinning her with face pressed against the mat.

"Get back from it!" Professor Mikado shouted. Summer pushed against the floor with all her panic-enhanced might just as an arm hooked around her stomach and dragged her back. Off balance, they tumbled back to the ground, but she was free at last.

Shards of Dust and glass littered the floor, still sparking and smoking. One of the overhead lights had exploded.

"Are you hurt?!" Qrow demanded, grabbing her shoulder. 

Dazed, she slowly tore her gaze away from the smoldering pile of rubble. "I'm fine…" He stared at her with terrified eyes, glass in his hair and dusting his clothes. "Are you?!"

"Your shields—"

He cut off at a groan of pain from the other side of the debris. Arylide sat with her hands pressed to her head, blood welling between her fingers and running down her arms. Professor Mikado was already standing over her, examining the wound.

"It's not as bad as it seems." He spared a glance at the rest of the class. "Who else is hurt?"

"I… uh…" Brick was clutching a spot just above his elbow, looking slightly nauseated. "There's some in my arm. My aura, uh… h-healed over it…"

"All right, class dismissed. Let's get the two of you to the hospital." He turned back to Arylide. "May I carry you?"

Her voice shook with pain. "Yes, please." 

Summer stared, disbelieving, as they vanished through the doors. Of all the times for the light to break, five people were sitting underneath it with their auras down. She glanced at Qrow with a shaky laugh. "Well. That was an interesting first class. It's usually a lot qui—what's wrong?"

He swallowed hard, but his nauseated expression stayed unrelieved. "I'm fine."

"Did you get cut?" 

"No." He brushed at clothes, aura crackling against the sharp edges of glass. "Taking our shields down is a bad idea."

"Well, we have to sleep sometimes, right?"

His hand stilled, tangled in his hair and still glittering red. It almost matched his eyes. "You can't keep your shields up when you're asleep?"

Summer's mouth fell open. "You can?! That takes years—decades!—of training! How did you learn so quickly?"

"I dunno," he said defensively, "I guess it's because Raven and I would camp out in the woods so much on hunting trips. We just sort of...figured it out."

"Ooh, maybe I should try that!" 

"Don't." His voice soured. "People die. A lot."

Oh. That train of thought seemed to bother him, so she scrambled for something positive. "We're lucky nobody got Dust in a cut." 

"...Yeah. Lucky."

Next Chapter: Qrow—Doomed to Repeat It

Summary:

Summer reflects on the first month at Beacon. Raven's been less prickly than expected, but Qrow's also been quieter than during initiation. STRQ is a study group powerhouse—Summer and Tai are decent at math and history, and the twins are excellent at anything to do with surviving in the wild—but don't talk about much besides schoolwork, and Summer is frustrated by her team's lack of cohesion, blaming herself a bit as their leader.

Qrow has been refusing to do anything to try to unlock his Semblance and changes the subject any time it's brought up. It's the last class of the month, though, so he HAS to go to this one. Professor Mikado leads the five students through meditation and calls out Qrow for pretending to follow along. As soon as Qrow attempts the exercise in earnest, an overhead light explodes, raining glass on them while their shields are compromised. Qrow (who definitely was not expecting something like this to happen) tackles Summer and shields her, but two of the other students are hurt.

Summer and Qrow are talking as they leave, and she is surprised to hear that he and Raven are capable of maintaining their defenses in their sleep, something that can take decades to learn.

[bellatrixobsessed1]

Mutilated Mannequin (Part 14)

He has yelled at her before, belittled her, and called her names. But he has never slapped her before. She is lucky that he had the sense to slap her arm instead of her face, she hates to imagine the damage he’d have done to her still healing chin. 

“You can walk to school today.” Ozai declares loud enough for even Zuko to flinch.

“I’ll be late.” 

“Then you better hurry.” 

And that is just the punishment for losing the election. But he isn’t done with her. He expects her to be at school on time but he won’t let her leave. “And just where the hell were you last night!?”

“I decided to go to the park and look at the stars longer, I fell asleep.” She lies. She is already in deep, the least she can do is try to dig herself out. “The school is offering a trip to NIR&Ex, I wanted to show that I should be the one to go.” 

“I can pay them to let you go.” 

“I want to know that I earned it. That I’m good enough. I want my skills to get me in...” She just wants to be good enough for someone. Anyone.

“What skills?” Ozai scowls. “Look at this.” He holds up a copy of her report card. Mostly A’s save for a B in geometry. He shoves the offending paper at her and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Just get your ass to school and try to learn something this time. 

“Yes, father.” 

She doesn’t have time to eat breakfast nor pack lunch. She tries to text TyLee and Chan for a ride. They are still pissed. She would try Jet but he takes the bus and Yue lives on the other side of town. 

At least it is sunny. Chilly but sunny.

.oOo.

This time around, Azula doesn’t really try to talk to anyone. She isn’t in the mood for conversation.  She has to focus on her academics anyhow. Lunch is every bit as awful as she expects. Nothing on the school lunch menu appeals to her; it is all ridiculously greasy and smells as though they have been reheating the same meals for weeks now. Not that it matters, between her nerves and the hollow ache in her chest, she doesn’t have much of an appetite anyways. 

Having no tray to hold, Azula leans herself up against a wall and stares at her feet. She stuffs her hands into her pockets. Every now and again, she catches one of her former tablemates staring. TyLee’s are always of the sympathetic variety, while Chan’s are vicious and cutting. Yue’s are judgmental.

Somehow none of them matter. 

“Hey.” 

Azula looks up. 

“Do you want to sit with us?” Katara asks. 

Azula looks from her old table to Katara’s and then back down at her feet. The wall seems to hold her in place for a time but she pushes herself away from it and slumps quietly into the spot Katara has opened for her. 

“Are you okay?” Suki asks. 

But she still isn’t up for conversation. 

“Do you want some of my food or something?” Toph motions to her tray of chicken nuggets. Azula has a feeling that if she were to squeeze one of them, she would create a puddle of grease. She shakes her head, no.

It takes several more attempts at conversation for them to realize that she doesn’t have the energy to partake. The bell rings and Katara leaves her with some final words, “you can sit here tomorrow if you want.” 

She supposes that she should at least have the decency to respond to that. “Okay.” 

Katara offers a faint, sad smile. Azula gathers her things and heads for the door. 

“Hanging with the nerds now?” Jet asks. 

Azula shrugs. 

“You just got your face all fixed up, why waste it on those freaks?” 

Another shrug. 

If father isn’t happy with her then it has all been for nothing anyways. 

.oOo.

His fury takes on many forms. The newest of them is a declaration. “I have decided to reschedule your appointment. You will have your final procedure done this weekend.”

Azula snaps into attention, her pencil falls from between her fingers. “Wh-what?”

“This weekend. I’m getting tired of looking at those puffy cheeks.” 

They flush. “But I’m still recovering from…” 

Ozai rolls his eyes. “Don’t start acting like your brother. This weekend, bring something to keep you entertained.” 

“Yes, father.” 

He leaves the room and befalls a weighty silence. Azula looks at her essay assignment. The paper is spotted with two small wet splotches. She pushes the notebook aside and eyes the table.  

She is just about as ready for her final surgery as she had been for the first one. 

She pushes her chair in and makes her way to her bedroom. She lays there staring at the wall as hours slip by. She lays there until a knock sounds on her door. It is too light to be Ozai’s. Ever rude in mannerism, Zuko invites himself in when she doesn’t respond to his rapping. 

“I don’t think that you should get that surgery so soon after the last one.”

“I don’t think that I should get it at all.” She says softly. Far too late, she decides that she misses her old face. Even if it had been softer and less aesthetically pleasing. She misses feeling genuine. More painfully, it strikes her that if she had just waited, maybe later teenhood and adulthood would have naturally sharpened her features. “It was a mistake.” 

Zuko visibly cringes. 

Azula pulls herself upright, her hair falling in long tangles over her shoulders. “I’m tired, Zuzu.” 

“Yeah, father is draining to be around.” Zuko rubs the back of his head.

“Well, it’s your turn to be the golden child.”

Zuko sniffs, “yeah right, he just hates both of us now.” 

“I guess that he’ll calm down after I get the surgery.” 

Zuko cringes again.

“I really don’t think that you should.” 

“That’s not up to you, Zuzu.” She isn’t sure that it is up to her either. 

.oOo.

The rest of the week seems to blend and blur to the point where each day seems to blend into the next. A blurb of learning and tactless comments from her former friends. Perhaps an occasional sympathetic stare from TyLee. The monotony of it all is only broken by a heated phone argument that is taken on a friday afternoon. 

He has her on speaker so Azula can hear every word. 

“You made her get what!?” It is a voice that she hasn’t heard in ages. A voice that used to sing she and Zuko nursery rhymes before bed. 

“She’s going to be better off for it.” Ozai insists. 

“She’s still growing!” Ursa exclaims, confirming what Azula had finally come to realize. “Her face hasn’t fully developed yet and you’re already changing it?” 

“Did she tell you about this?” Ozai growls. 

“No!” With the same lateness Azula had, Ursa realizes exactly who she has thrown under the bus. 

“That boy should mind his own business.” 

Azula supposes that it is nice to know that someone is trying to get her out of tomorrow’s surgery. Not that the attempt will amount to anything. Perhaps it is unhealthy, but she spends the rest of the evening staring at the remaining portion of her face that is actually hers. She wakes up the next morning still seated in front of her vanity set. 

There is one message on her phone, a simple good morning. She has almost forgotten that she had given her number to Katara. It is such a small little thing but it makes her smile. Only for a flicker before Ozai demands her to join him for breakfast. A stiff and tense breakfast where he tries to talk to her as though he hadn’t slapped her. As though he isn’t about to make her alter the last aspect of her face that is truly hers. 

“I am proud of you.” 

Her heart swells. She knows that it is a game but it is so nice to hear. 

“For what?” 

“For getting all of the surgeries without protest. We’re just going to have to worry about that math grade…”

She lets him ramble on, simply nodding along. 

.oOo.

“Dr. Koh will see you now.”

Azula shoots Ozai a wide-eyed look. “Where is Dr. Guhira?”

“I forgot to tell you, Dr. Guhira refused to do the surgery so soon after your last one. He also said something about having a feeling that you didn’t really want the surgeries. So I found a doctor who is willing.”

“If I’m doing this, I want Dr. Guhira to perform the operation.” 

Ozai rubs his forehead. “We are already here, you are getting the surgery. Unless you’d like a repeat of Wednesday night.” 

Azula’s head spins as she peels herself off of the chair. She feels as though she is performing some sort of funeral march as she shakily makes her way towards the waiting nurse. The operating room seems to take on an icier air as she waits to meet Dr. Koh.

“Good morning, Ms. Kasai.” Dr. Koh holds out a hand. He is a tall man, an almost creepy fellow. Almost. He has a face that makes her skin crawl. His features are exaggerated. Doll-like. He is more plastic than flesh. She shudders as she takes his hand. 

He flips through pages on a clipboard. “Lets get started, shall we?” He slips the anesthetic mask over her face.

“Aren’t you supposed to outline first?”

“I know how to do my job, Ms. Kasai.” 

In the pit of her stomach, Azula doubts that. “Dr. Guhira always outlined where he was going to…”

“I have done this enough times, I don’t need to outline.” 

Azula swallows as the hiss of gas fills her ears. The anesthesia puts a halt to any further protests. She dreads what she will awaken to. 

.oOo.

She expects to wake to a sharp shooting pain, instead she finds complete numbness that Koh insists is normal. She believes him but only to an extent. She grips her father’s hand with a force that makes him wince. 

“Your face will remain swollen for about two weeks…” by now she knows the drill. Liquid diet, coming in for bandage changes, and only light exercises. Over excursion won’t be a problem she feels much too nauseous and lethargic to do anything but drag herself to bed and elevate her head. 

Ozai allows her another week off. She is surrounded in shiny things; new necklaces and rings, a new purse, and a new music player. A new dress hangs in her closet over a pair of shoes that match the dress Ozai hadn’t allowed her to wear to homecoming. It is all lovely but it does little to remedy her anxiety. 

Anxiety that does a good job of masking the first sign that something isn’t right. She is sweating profusely and still feels terribly queasy. She doesn’t have the energy to return any of her missed calls and text messages. 

Most of them are from Katara, she decides that she will respond to her first whenever she finds the motivation. The messages range from simple greetings and words of encouragement to light hearted pictures she’d found somewhere on the web before they turned to expressions of concern. 

Apparently, a week with no word from her has also been enough to get Chan’s attention. 

Distantly, in her mind, she knows that she should be elated at the chance to make amends with him but she doesn’t feel like picking up her phone. Every time she shifts, a throbbing sensation bombards her head. 

“How are you feeling?” Ozai asks. He sets a bowl of oatmeal on her nightstand. It is the second sign that something is amiss. Typically he sends one of the maids to serve her. 

“It still hurts.” An understatement. 

She is in unbearable pain.

It aches something sharp as though the scalpel is still embedded under her flesh, or perhaps, a feeling that her own bones are penetrating her skin. Had Koh removed too much fat and tissue. This, of course, is applicable to only the left side of her face. The right side lacks sensation entirely. He had said that the numbness would clear but she is still waiting. 

“I can’t feel…” She motions to her right cheek. 

“It has only been a few days, Azula.” Ozai cuts in. “Wait for the swelling fade before assuming that something is wrong.” 

“Something is wrong.” Azula insists. “Call Dr. Guhira, he’ll tell you.”  She doesn’t even put in an effort to keep the tremble out of her voice. “Something is wrong.” She repeats softly. 

Ozai takes her hand, “I know that these operations have been stressful, but this is your last one and you will be thankful when the swelling is all gone and you see how beautiful you are.” 

“Because I wasn’t before?” 

Perhaps she is only seeing what she wants to see, but she can swear that something flickers in his eyes; regret? Sympathy? Pity? Doubt? She isn’t sure, but she doesn’t like it. She likes it just as little as she likes her new face.

[babblingblondegenius]

Happy Mancrush Monday

Two weeks ago I did a post for Mancrush Monday that focused on Season 3 Oliver through fashion and Olicity.   @xspeedytrashx requested a Mancrush Monday Olicity Edition for all the seasons.  Last week’s post covered season 1 and this one will focus on my favorite season of Arrow--Season 2. :)

Season 2 is my favorite because that is when I fell in love with the show.  With the news that Arrow is coming to an end, reliving these moments is bittersweet. While I’ve always thought Olicity started developing feelings for each other in season 1, it was season 2 when they fell in love/the show decided to embrace the amazing chemistry and build Olicity as the canon couple.  I may drag TPTB for a lot of their narrative choices but I’ll always appreciate their bravery with that bold move.  There was so much focus on Olicity that I’m breaking up the season into a three-part post to make sure we cover all their UST, heart eyes, angst, and the abundance of Oliver in business suits. ;)  This post is episodes 2x01 - 2x06.

Let’s start with a bang and shirtless Oliver saving Felicity from a landmine.  

He lands on top of her and doesn’t appear to be in any hurry to get up.   

Next we have Oliver, grumpy at first since he is no longer on top of bae, putting on a grey tee as Felicity calls him out on his lack of enthusiasm.  The girl jumped out of a plane for you, the least you could do is leave your shirt off. ;)

Good future hubby immediately gets her water, gives her a smile, and tells her he is happy to see her.  Also a bow of his head because she is the Queen. ;) 

Oliver was looking mighty fine for someone who had just spent five months in self-exile on a deserted island.  He’s not keen on returning to Starling City and Queen Consolidated until Felicity mentions she might be one of the casualties of the imminent merger.  Then he decides it’s time to suit up and get back to work...

He’s not ready for the green one just yet, even though Felicity has refurbished the lair and had a custom bow made for him with the money he left for her.  

Our usually selfless Queen did include one amenity for herself....

But Oliver needs to put the salmon ladder to use for more than Felicity’s (and our) viewing enjoyment.  He has to be in peak physical condition so when the conference room is attacked, he can kick out a window and swing her to safety.

After the crash landing through another window, he gently moves her hair so he can see her face and doesn’t breathe until her little nod assures him she’s okay.

One of the highlights of season was CEO!Oliver.  What he lacked in business acumen, he more than made up for in sharp suits and selecting the best person to work by his side.  Felicity simultaneously praises and teases him.  Apparently, math wasn’t his academic forte.  I’ve never related to him more lol.   

Just to recap, all that epic-ness was in the first episode of season 2.  Moving on to my favorite episode of all time 2x02.  Sassy Felicity is waiting for Oliver the minute he steps off the elevator, looking dapper in his taupe suit and trying to outrun bae giving him hell for ‘promoting’ her without her knowledge.  

Our MIT certified genius is not happy about her new position as Oliver’s EA.  She lets him know in no uncertain terms that she will not be fetching him coffee.  They continue to argue like an old married couple throughout the episode.  Same grey tee as when she sassed him on Lian Yu but now she’s genuinely upset on Dig’s behalf.  He hates to see her go but he loves to watch her leave. ;)

Even Oliver’s impeccable suits can’t save him from the wrath of Felicity.  She is already mad at him but Oliver decides to throw fuel on the fire by asking her to get him and his guest some coffee.  It has always been my head canon that he intentionally provoked her to illicit a sassy response and he got what he asked for lol.  Look at his face--this is the moment I knew he was falling for her hard. 

The episode comes to a close with Oliver watching the news that the city is blaming him for not doing enough and Oliver, being Oliver, agrees with them (the more things change, the more they stay the same).  He is as blue as his sweater until Felicity remedies that by bringing him ‘one’ cup of coffee.  

Two-for-one mancrush special.  Interesting that Oliver had a whole-ass lair but chooses to put his training mat two feet from Felicity.  Wonder why? ;)  But the real question is how in the world did Felicity ever get any work done?!?

Wifey wiping blood off of hubby’s face with her bare hands.  That’s love, bitch.

And here we have some off-the-charts lust with the always late Mr. Queen giving Ms. Smoak an advance peek at his smoldering bedroom eyes.  

Hubby gifting wifey with a bag of dirt for her to analyze while sporting a tie and a dress shirt with the sleeves rolled-up.  It’d be better to analyze those forearms. 

Felicity interrupted his ‘grrrr’ (in a red dress) and called him ‘Mr. Queen’ repeatedly.  I’ll let you be the judge of why he is biting his lip like that. ;)

It’s been frequently commented over the years that they look like parents here.  Proof positive that Oliver does not need to dress like a grandpa to pass as a dad.  The baby blue button-up and worried/disapproving expression do the trick. 

Adding a jacket and tie, this vision in blue is calm and cool as he threatens a member of the Bratva for information..... 

.....and 10 seconds later he is an adorable cupcake winking at Felicity.

Even this coat is more attractive than the current one lol.  Oliver didn’t really need a coat here since Felicity is putting him on blast (as she should).

The suit is nice and the blue dress shirt brings out the guilt and regret in his eyes.  At this point, Oliver was aware that he had feelings for Felicity but he wasn’t willing to explore them.  Oliver broke his own heart by telling her he ‘can’t be with someone he could really care about.’  

I just couldn’t end this with angst so here is a bonus of an episode 2x03 scene from the gag reel:

All the kudos to the fandom’s amazing gifmakers!  2x02 gif credit to FanForum and 2x03 gif credit to FanPop. Next week’s post will be episodes 2x07 - 2x13.  :)

[mayacatmaster]

Via and thanks “Jane Roberts/Seth Quotes” "To me your world is a dream universe which I visit by invitation, a probable reality that I find unique and very dear - but one in which I can no longer have direct experience. Because I am not as immersed in it as you, I can tell you much about it, since your precise orientation necessitates a more narrow, concentrated view." The Nature of the Psyche Session 790, Page 159 *** *** *** Practice And Practice And Practice And Practice The Frequency Of What You Want! ~Abraham *** *** *** The essence of the way you feel about the things you think about most will eventually manifest in your real-life experience—but it takes even less time and attention for it to manifest in your dream state. And for that reason, your dreams can be of immense value in helping you understand what you are in the process of creating in your awake state. ~Abraham *** *** ***  Sometimes when you have wanted something for a long while but you do not see any way for it to really happen, you will experience a dream where it does happen. And then, in the pleasant recollection of the dream, you soften your vibration of resistance—and then your desire can be fulfilled. ~Abraham *** *** ***  Most of you are not up to speed with your vibrational reality because you are focused on what-is. ~Abraham *** *** ***  When I Want It and Allow It, I Create It The two factors required in the creation of anything are to want it and allow it, or desire and belief. Usually, once people have focused upon problems enough that they have disallowed their Well-Being and they are seriously ill, they then turn their undivided attention to the illness—thus perpetuating it more. Sometimes doctors can influence your belief in wellness if they have a process or a remedy that they believe will help you. In that case, the two factors that bring about your healing are the same: desire and belief. ~Abraham *** *** ***  Fear is the emotion that comes forth when you are choosing a thought that is not up to speed with the desire that you hold. You're going to feel it and you're going to feel it stronger. It is the reason that the word "terror" or "terrorist", or "terrorizing" is such an appropriate word. It is not only in the action that you witness, or that you hear about, it is in the speculation that begins to run rampant. The power of the terrorists is much greater in things that never come to be than it ever is in the things that do come to be. ---Abraham *** *** ***  You cannot notice what-is and complain about it, and be a vibrational match to the solution. When you were living the problem, you were asking for the solution, and Source said yes immediately. So, there's never a reason for you to be wallowing around in a problem for more than about a second?  You can get so good at this that before you're even aware that the problem has gotten started, you've already got the solution under way. ---Abraham *** *** ***  The successful honing of the vibrational frequency IS the work. And everything reflects that you see…" ~Abraham *** *** ***  Practice positive expectations on EASY to feel good about things- that makes our vibration stable and firm and then other "non easy" things gradually and naturally move on the same high flying vibration. ~Abraham *** *** ***  Every little orchestration of energy counts. You must change all of your energy representation to be as close as possible to the way you say you want to actually be when you see yourself living your dream. And so idea then is that the closer you can math what you see in your imagination the more real your body consciousness will believe it is and the more real energy you will project out that will transform your reality." -Bashar *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** Via and thanks “Michelle Copeland” *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** Your dreams are manifestations of your vibrational point of attraction, so you can evaluate your dreams to determine what you are really doing with your vibration. Your dreams are, sort of, a sneak preview of the essence of that which is to come—so if you evaluate the content of your dream, you can often determine what your point of attraction is--and then if you do riot wish to live out the dream you have been dreaming, you can do some-thing about changing it. ~Abraham *** *** ***  When you KNOW that you control the vibration that you are offering, NOW you are invincible! Now there is nothing that you cannot be, or do, or have! ~ Abraham-Hicks *** *** ***  I like knowing that I am the manager of my Gap, that I am in control of how I feel, and that by choosing better-feeling thoughts about money and life in general, I can bring myself into Vibrational alignment with the Universal Stream of Abundance. ~Abraham  *** *** ***  What If Source Were Standing in My Physical Shoes? It is not your job to make something happen-your work is to simply determine what you want. If we were standing in your physical shoes, our attention would be upon bringing ourselves into alignment with the desires and preferences that we have launched. We would consciously feel our way into alignment *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** Via and thanks "Pure Positive Energy": *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** Does your opinion about most things harmonize or resonate with the opinion or the knowledge of the Source within you?  Another way of saying this is .. do your opinions make your heart soar and sing? ~Abraham *** *** ***  Those that are succeeding and are thrilled and joyful in the unfolding will often tell you, "I've dreamed this since I was little. I imagined it, I pretended it, I used to practice with the hairbrush pretending it was a microphone." Purity is the alignment of energy. Doesn't matter what anybody else thinks about anything. It only matters what you think about it. --- Abraham *** *** *** Once you envision something and the Universal forces come into play to help you in the creation of it, there's never again going to be enough action for you to keep up with it. You can't use the Energy that creates worlds to create a situation and then find the action to keep up with it. You have to keep envisioning. You have to keep imagining it better. --- Abraham *** *** *** If you could train yourself into KNOWING that what you are wanting is already done, it would be done right now. ~Abraham *** *** ***  When you want it and know it, it is. When you want it and BELIEVE it, it becomes right before your eyes. I t is the most glorious state of being. ~Abraham *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** Via and thanks "Pure Positive Energy": *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** The FUN is in the MOLDING of ENERGIES .. its in the DREAMING of what COULD BE ..  its in the TUNING YOURSELF into the alignment of your dreams. Its just not the culmination of something, because there never is a culmination. THE FUN IS IN THE BECOMING,  THE FUN IS IN THE DISCOVERY,  THE FUN IS IN THE ALIGNMENT,  THE FUN IS IN THE NEW IDEA,  THE FUN NEVER STOPS, YOU SEE! ~ Abraham ❤️ *** *** ***  Achieve, first, the vibrational essence of your desire—and then, through the crack of least resistance the manifestation will be delivered... work on the essence of the feeling of freedom; work on the essence of the feeling of empowerment— work on the essence of the feeling of Well-Being... And how do you do that? You can imagine it already having happened and pretend what it will feel like when it is that way. Or, you can look for things in your life that are already like that and beat the drum of that until they play a higher percentage of time in the vibrational signal that you are emanating. --- Abraham *** *** ***  Faith is a vibrational attitude, an awareness, a vibrational focus and attention to what is in your Vortex of Creation. ~Abraham *** *** ***  The Universe does not know if you are offering your vibration because you are living what you are living, or because you are imagining that you are living it. In either case, it answers the vibration—and the manifestation must follow.  All of you are working much too hard at all of this.  If you will stop making it an intellectual process and let it be a FEELING process, ease will sweep over you almost instantly. ~Abraham *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** Via and thanks "Pure Positive Energy" *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** Every time you want something and achieve vibrational harmony with it and allow it to come to you, you not only gain the satisfaction of having accomplished your desire — you also gain a whole new perspective from which to desire. --- Abraham *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** Isn´t it exhilarating to think about tapping into the power of the Universe? And do you understand that you already harness some of it or you would not be at all? Can you feel that it was that power that got you here? Are you beginning to feel the reality of your Vibrational Escrow? Can you feel its relationship to you?  .. and can you feel how you must, if not be there, and you can´t really be fully there because it expands rapidly every day .. .. can you feel how MOVING IN THE DIRECTION OF YOUR VORTEX IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS?  .. moving toward your Vibrational Escrow .. and everything else is just going through the motions. Abraham Hicks *** *** ***  Make a decision of what you want, give your attention there, find the feeling place of it — and you're there instantly. There is no reason for you to suffer or struggle your way to or through anything. ---Abraham *** *** ***  "How did I feel as that was happening?" If you have awakened from a very good-feeling dream, you can be confident that your dominant thoughts surrounding that stabled are pointed toward manifestations that you do want. When you awaken from a had-feeling dream, know that your dominant thoughts are in the process of attracting something that you do not want; however—no matter whew nut stand, in tarns of what it manifesting in your experience, can always make a new decision and draw the manifestation to somelhing that is even more pleasing. ~Abraham *** *** *** You do not create while you are dreaming. Your dream is a manifestation of what you have been thinking during your awake state. However, once you are awake and you are now thinking about, or discussing, your dream—those thoughts do affect your future creations. ~Abraham *** *** *** You must give significant attention to any subject for it to become powerful enough to manifest in your experience, and quite a bit of attention must also be given to a subject before it will begin to show up in your dream state. For that reason, your more meaningful dreams are always accompanied by strong emotion; the emotion may feel good or bad—but it will always be strong enough so that you will recognize the feeling. ~Abraham *** *** *** "Everything that you see is illusionary anyway.  And the illusion can be whatever you choose it to be. " -Abraham- *** *** *** You're making it all up… That's what Creation Is. -Abraham- *** *** *** You are the Creator of what's Real. -Abraham- *** *** *** There is no such thing as a Self-realised person. When there is no "person" the Self is realized. When there is no "person" the ' question of coming and going cannot arise. The body is an appearance in the Self. When the body disappears the Self remains as it always was and is. Realization is the understanding "I am not this body which comes and goes, I am that permanent, unchanging reality in which the body and all else appears". *** *** *** So…: Who exists as I? You exist, that is certain—but, as whom?  *** *** *** You see yourself as what? As who?  Everything you have been take it as “me; mine; myself” and “real; true”…: Just like countless clouds come and go…: So...Who exists as I? *** *** *** You exist, that is certain—but, as whom?  Nowhere. *** *** *** 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤨🤨🤨🤨🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😘😗😙😚👅👄💋💘❤️💓💕💖💗💝💞💥💞💥💞💥🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀 *** *** *** You are the witness of it. How can you lose this understanding, this insight? ~Mooji *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** Why do you still consider the phenomena? See who the "Seer"(Witness; True Self; Wholeness; Brahman) is. ~Ramana Maharishi *** *** *** The Seer is most important.  You are.  That is most important.  Concentrate on the Seer, not on the seen.  All that you see is false and the Seer alone is true.  All knowledge you gather is useless, until you hold on to your Self. You are the Truth, not what is being told to you, not what you see. ~Sri Ramana Maharshi  *** *** *** All that we see is a dream,  whether we see it in the dream state or waking state. One has only to remove the transitory happenings in order to realize the ever-present beatitude of the Self. *** *** *** Since the seer alone sees, he does not regard any other factor as the seer (subject).  He is fully awake in the supreme truth; ~Yoga Vasistha *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** Via and thanks “Infinite Intelligence”: Before you can live anything, in what you are calling physical manifestation—you have to have conjured it in vibrational form. You have to have imagined it before it can become a reality. Everything that you are living here in this physical body, you have imagined the essence of it before you are living it. - Abraham Hicks *** *** *** Nothing Will Manifest In Your Experience Without The Imagination Process Happening First. -ABRAHAM *** *** *** All Reality Came From Vibrational Reality And It Comes Fast If You Will Allow It. ~Abraham *** *** *** Your Inner Being doesn't have the right, or the wherewithal to assert anything into your experience. You got to sync up with it. So you have to become a believer of the Vibrational Reality, before the Vibrational Reality can come into your experience. ~Abraham *** *** *** Faith is a vibrational attitude, an awareness, a vibrational focus and attention to what is in your Vortex of Creation. ~Abraham *** *** *** When you KNOW that you control the vibration that you are offering,  NOW you are invincible! Now there is nothing that you cannot be, or do, or have! ~ Abraham-Hicks *** *** *** So what you have to start doing is you have to say, “I’m going to go there in my mind.” And we know that has to be incredibly annoying,  but that is the path. Because if you can’t get there in your mind,  you can’t get there! ~ Abraham-Hicks ~ *** *** *** Via and thanks “Pure Positive Energy”: We want you to hear from us, that the virtual reality where you close your eyes and conjure all of that, and then excel beyond anyone's wildest dreams — that is the way you align with your desire. ~Abraham *** *** *** How did you train yourself into the Vortex? I IMAGINED what would it feel like to be the receiver of the things that I want and I imagined it so often, that it was hard for me to Imagine otherwise. I trained myself vibrationally into the expectation or the belief of what I wanted. ~Abraham  Via and thanks “PURE POSITIVE ENERGY”: *** *** *** Via and thanks “Infinite Intelligence”: Once you have practiced the vibration of what’s in your Vortex long enough that you own the frequency of it, and there is no gap between you right here where you stand and the vibrational reality in your Vortex-then those objects, those relationships, those desires, those answers, those solutions that you have been asking for will flow seamlessly, in perfect timing, into your experience. - Abraham Hicks *** *** *** All things are possible to ',on, because you are all imagination anti imagination creates reality. Knowing what you want, imagine you have it. Knowing what you want to be, imagine you are it. ~Neville *** *** *** Via and thanks “Pure Positive Energy” We promise you, it is NEVER MORE EFFICIENT to do anything than it is to IMAGINE IT BEING DONE. Because in the IMAGERY, you empower the entire Universe on your behalf to bring you circumstances and events so that lots of this stuff gets done by itself. ~Abraham *** *** *** Via and thanks “Infinite Intelligence”: Leverage your time more by spending a little more time every day imagining and a lot less time every day doing. Do a little more imagining and a little less doing. Until eventually most of what’s happening is happening in the cool, calm, anticipatory state. Just imagine yourself into the successes, and watch what happens. Imagine a little more and act a little less. - Abraham Hicks *** *** *** Via and thanks “Law of Attraction The Essence”: Eternal-joy: “Your observation of the conditions that exist now are the reason that you keep repeating a pattern that holds away the things you want. It really is that simple. You gotta change the way you look at things,  you gotta reorient yourself,  you gotta become more vibrational interfacing, you gotta trust the way you feel,  you have to accept that you have guidance,  you have to accept that your guidance is always leading you toward what you want and  you have to be aware of when you’re moving toward what you want and when you’re not moving toward what you want and  you have to accept that the emotions that you hold are the indicator of whether you’re moving closer or further.  You can just tell. You’ll get so good at this that you’ll be in the middle of the conversation and you’ll stop talking right in the middle of it because you’ll realize that you’re moving away from what you want rather than toward what you want. So often, in your quest to make someone else understand what you MEAN, who is in a different vibrational frequency and is not hearing what you mean,  In your attempt to get them to hear what you mean,  You are RESPONDING to the CONDITION of them NOT HEARING,  So you are BASING what you are saying based upon WHAT THEY ARE NOT HEARING  And then you JOIN them in their frequency rather than MAINTAINING yours  And then instead of them hearing what YOU mean, you hear what THEY mean And NOTHING CHANGES.” Abraham Hicks, San Francisco, CA 07/19/2014 *** *** *** Via and thanks "Eternal-joy": "You are an Eternal Being always projecting from Nonphysical, and sometimes that projection is into a physical personality. When the physical personality is complete for this time, then there is a withdrawal of focus. It’s sort of like: here you sit, and sometimes you go into a movie, and sometimes you come back out of the movie — but you are always the you that went into the movie, whether you are in the movie or not." Abraham Hicks *** *** *** Your outer physical reality is not outer, it is INNER. All your explorations and all your ideas, no matter how they may magnify scientifically or otherwise, are all going to be the result of the way you change the idea of how you see yourself and what you know is possible in your dimension of experience. ~Bashar *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** Via and thanks “Michelle Copeland”: *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** You can get to wherever you want to be from wherever you are, no matter where you are or what your current state of Being. ～Abraham Hicks *** *** *** Via and thanks “Infinite intelligence”: I’ll Not Ask Others to Become Different for Me… Let your Vibrational Escrow percolate, and you do your best to give it your undivided attention so that you become a Vibrational Match to it. And then, when the Law of Attraction brings all of it together and brings you, because you’re a match, together with it – then there aren’t any bugs to work out. Don’t ask the person, or people, that helped you to define what you want to become what you want so that you can have what you want. (Oh, that was so good.) Instead, let them be the Step One part of it (the asking part). Use your willpower and your decision to focus upon what you want – and then the Universe will bring you what you want.⠀ - Abraham Hicks *** *** *** If something you want is slow to come to you, it can be for only one reason: You are spending more time focused upon its absence than you are about its presence. ~Abraham *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** Via and thanks “Abraham Hicks Love”: *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** "Do you accept that the increase in income is already in your vibrational escrow?  Do you understand that every time you’ve worried about it, you’ve put more of it there, in other words?  This is a really well thought out, well planned, and now well-tended-to by your Source Energy creation.  And so, the question isn’t 'Will it be, will it be?'  Because it already is.  And the question isn’t, 'Do I get to have it?'  Because it’s already yours.  The question is, 'How can I, right now, feel that it’s there, rather than antagonize myself into feeling that it isn’t there? How can I trust, rather than doubt? How can I believe, rather than wonder? How can I know, rather than worry?' And so, it’s an emotional game, it’s a vibrational game. So, what do I know, that makes me feel better, even if it’s general?  I know I’m good at what I do. I know that I always figure things out. I know that things do work out for me. I know that I’m resourceful.  I know that the Laws of the Universe are in place. I know that it’s in my vibrational escrow. I know that Universal Forces are always helping me. I know that the solution is in place. I know that I have access to it even though I don’t see it right now. I know that even though I don’t see it right now, I may see it later. I know that there have been many things that at one time I didn’t know, that later I knew these things.  So as you talk about what you do know, even though it’s general, it soothes your vibration, it helps you to close the gap, and the more you close your gap, then the more the Universe can orchestrate the circumstances and events that you need.  But, when you do the opposite when you attack yourself, when you say these things, 'I don’t know where it’s going to come from, I don’t know when it’s going to come, I don’t know if it’s going to come in time, I don’t know what I’m going to do?'  When you antagonize yourself in those ways, then you don’t let the Universal Forces that are working for you, come to you, and then you just feel worse and worse and worse. That was really good. You got that clearly didn't you?  Everything is an emotional game.  Everything is a vibrational game. Everything, everything, everything." - Abraham❤️ *** *** ***

[createcashflownow]

20 Pieces of the Best Advice I Ever Got in Internet Marketing – EVER

Finding advice on how to make money online is easy, it’s EVERYWHERE for a price. But it’s not all created equal. In fact, some of that IM advice can be downright harmful to your wallet and it can even erode your confidence that you can make this business successful.

That’s why I’ve assembled some of the best IM advice I’ve received over the years, so you can can hit the ground running and begin building a REAL business FAST. Sell or market the CORE solution that people want in your market. This the one BIG reason why they’re in this market – the one thing they really, really want above anything else, also known as your BIG benefit. Don’t get sidetracked here – we’re talking about their main dream, their main desire, the ONE big thing that if they could have anything in your niche, that would be it. In health, it’s often how to lose weight. Not how to count calories. Not the latest diet or exercise program. No one want’s a diet. No one wants to exercise (well, most people don’t.) But what they do want is to LOSE WEIGHT. Don’t sell calorie counters and diets and exercise programs, sell them on how they’re going to FINALLY lose that weight. Don’t sell them on the latest iron pumping routine, sell them on how they’re going to have so many muscles the ladies will swoon. Don’t sell them on the latest herbal remedy, sell them on what that remedy gives them – more energy, no more ugly skin, younger looks, etc. In Internet Marketing, it’s how to make money. They don’t want a traffic tool or a website builder or a new plug-in or even a new money generating program – they want the MONEY these things can bring. So if you’re selling a WordPress plug-in, then spin it in such a way that it shows your prospects how it will make them more money. Market to people’s core desire and you cannot go wrong. Be a sales person. That’s right – SELL. Yes, it is a four letter word for some, but it’s one you should be proud of. Sales people are some of the highest paid people in the world, regardless of whether they do their selling online or offline. Never, ever be afraid or ashamed to sell. Sell to the newbies. In almost any market you can think of, the real money is made on the newbies because… a) there are so many more of them b) there are new ones all the time c) they’re eager to spend money to get the result they want d) they’re far easier to please than a pro. Someone who wants to make money online? They’re a newbie. Someone who wants to lose weight? Yes, they’re a newbie, too. Someone who wants to get lots of exciting dates? Again, they’re a newbie. So what’s a newbie exactly? Someone who lacks the foundational, basic information they need to get the result they seek. Watch to see what the newbies in your market are buying, and then learn it so you can sell it. Find the solutions they seek and sell those, using your own words. You might find a technique someone is selling quite well for $27. You buy the product, learn the technique, and then create your own product using your own words and sell that. You might even present it in an entirely different manner which allows you to charge far more, such as packaging it as a $497 coaching program. Do learn from others, don’t steal, and do sell what people are looking for. It’s all about presentation. How do you convert a $27 solution into a $497 solution? Presentation and perception, it’s that simple. Do you really think one new car is worth $20,000 while another is somehow worth $200,000? Not really. It’s simply a matter of presentation and perception – packaging and presenting your product in a manner that fetches the higher price. Know that you cannot create products fast enough to meet the demand of many marketplaces. People want the products and they want them NOW, and the products don’t have to be perfect, either. Knowing this should give you the confidence to get busy producing products instead of just thinking about it. Build a reputation in your marketplace. Whatever it is that you sell, you want to build a reputation as being the expert, whether it’s dating, relationships, weight loss, making money, list building, etc. If you don’t have the reputation in the beginning, partner with people who do. Make products with them, do interviews with them, do joint promotions and so forth. In fact, you can create infinite businesses simply by always joining with an expert. They provide the knowledge, you provide the marketing skills, and together you make and sell products. Your reputation is your presentation, so look and act successful. Have authority, presence and be the expert (or partner with the expert.) Pick a big niche where people buy things over and over again. Pick a niche where you want to learn, then learn the stuff and sell it. Money loves speed, so just pick something and run with it. Get more aggressive than you’re used to being. Have a “I don’t give a damn, get it done” attitude. Force things to happen. Stop worrying about what other people think. Don’t worry about your peers – your peers don’t buy from you, your customers do. Provide more value than the price is asking. Get aggressive selling your stuff, branding yourself and making money. Decide to be an authoritative, celebrity type of person. “This is me, check me out, I don’t care what you think, I’m going to have fun.” This world needs more leaders. Most people just want to be lead, which makes an incredible opportunity to be a leader. And if you’re a leader, the world will get out of your way and do what you tell them to do. They will admire and follow you, and buy from you. Be authoritative for one day and see what happens – people want leaders. Go ahead, try it today. You’ll gain more confidence in one day than you otherwise would in a year of working the business, and people will follow whereever you lead them. Use your real name in the market you’re passionate about, use a pen name in other markets. Get a picture of yourself, or a cartoon picture and make it memorable. Use it in all of your marketing to help brand yourself in your main niche. Become a GURU and expert in your marketplace. Yes, it’s a good thing to be a guru because people will pay attention to you. It’s surprisingly easy to be an expert, just learn your topic. #1 rule of public relations – toot your own horn. No one’s going to say you’re a great ___ (you fill in the blank) unless you say you’re a great ___. Selling weight loss info? Then you’re a great expert on losing weight. Selling make money info? Then you’re a great marketing or small biz or entrepreneurial expert, and so forth. If you brand yourself to your list, you can have a small list and still make a fortune. Stop trying to please everyone, choose your exact audience and please only them. Be different. Don’t try to blend in, be an original. Stand out. Ask yourself how you are different from your competitors and why your list should open your emails before anyone else’s emails? Create something very valuable to give away everywhere. Maybe it’s a free recording, audio shows, a book, videos or whatever. Your freebie needs to be stellar because it’s really your calling card. If they love your freebie, they’re going to want more. If they hate your freebie or simply aren’t excited by it, they’re going to unsubscribe in a heartbeat. Give away something valuable every week like a recording or podcast to keep them coming back, hearing your voice and getting to know and respect you. Go ahead and plug something at the end, too. It keeps them attuned to the fact that you will indeed be selling to them, both through your podcasts and in your emails. If they love your 30 minutes of great content but complain about your 3 minute pitch at the end, unsubscribe them yourself – those aren’t customers, those are freebie seekers who want the moon delivered on a silver platter for nothing. Which brings me to my next point… Fire people from your list when you need to. Someone complains that you offered to sell them a product? Remove them from your list. Someone complains you email too much? Remove them. Someone complains you don’t email enough? Now there’s a clue – send more emails. Someone demands you give them time and attention and advice and help forever and ever for free? Give them the boot. These aren’t customers, these are people who will suck the life right out of you and your business. They typically only make up 1-2% of a list, but they will demand 110% of your time and give you nothing in return but non-stop aggravation that you do not need and cannot afford. Yes, it sounds harsh, but you can learn this lesson the easy way or the hard way. Use this formula when writing copy: “I know your problem, here’s the solution, and I’ll prove it’s the best solution.” Take the emotion out of business and focus on the math. People get so emotionally attached to their business, they forget the one thing that matters – math. Work on your business, not in your business. Your ability to have courage and escape comfort zones will dictate how much you make. Your ability to have courage and escape comfort zones will dictate how much you make. Your ability to have courage and escape comfort zones will dictate how much you make. Yes, I wrote it 3 times for a reason – and I suggest you write it in 12 inch letters and post it in every room of your house – it’s that important. There are no gimmicks in this list, no techniques that work this week but not next week. It’s all tried and true and flat out works. In fact, the information is this little list is probably worth more and has created more fortunes than the last dozen internet marketing products you’ve purchased combined – think about that. And go read the list again.

source https://www.createcashflownow.com/20-pieces-of-the-best-advice-i-ever-got-in-internet-marketing-ever/

[punkscowardschampions]

Grace & Janis

Grace: Did you even tell anyone you were staying out?? 🤔🤔 Janis: Did YOU warn the fam you were inviting the devil inside? 🤔🤔 Grace: Rude! Grace: Someone woke up on the wrong side of the barista's bed Grace: OMG is he that bad? How shaming Janis: Wouldn't you all love to know Grace: Like you would anyway, you don't have anything to compare him too Janis: Again, you wish you knew Janis: but yes, I text them Janis: that it? Grace: Oh honey, we ALL knew you were a virgin Grace: Did he? Grace: Before you made it obvious, I mean Grace: You should have come home first, me & the girls could have helped you out Janis: It's cute Janis: all the things you THINK you know Janis: yeah, that'd be fun Janis: Mia must've dropped the invite on her way out Janis: with the story, likw Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: girl please Grace: Mia'll get over it Grace: Unlike ME! You could've told me! Janis: Get over herself? Janis: Unlikely Janis: Told you what? Grace: OMG how hungover are you!? Don't be dense Grace: THE GOSSIP obvs Grace: I have to hear it from Mia Grace: so UNACCEPTABLE Janis: It's gossip 'cos she made it Janis: as if I had a chance to tell you or anyone, even if I wanted, when she went live with it Grace: There's always time to give me the real story Grace: You've got a phone Grace: Look how quick you answered this morning 🙄 Janis: 'Cos I thought you might have some real concern Janis: shoulda known better Grace: I AM concerned bitch Grace: you could be in a ditch Janis: Yeah, new boy's a serial killer Janis: this ain't the CW Grace: I didn't even know you were with HIM, did I? Grace: You never tell me anything Janis: Now who's being dense Janis: 1+1=2 Grace: Excuse me for having a nun for a sister Grace: Usually Janis: Again Janis: get a clue Grace: OMG Grace: I'm trying Janis: Bless 💕 Grace: Are you coming home TODAY? Janis: Are the coven gone Grace: I wouldn't bother asking if they hadn't Grace: I'm not stupid Janis: Probably then Janis: I got stuff to do Grace: One of them better be 🚿 Grace: Whelan's is soooooooo gross Janis: Not like you've ever got inside to know Grace: It's not like I want to Grace: like I said, ew Janis: Not with that baby face 😂 Grace: Shut up Janis: Like I said, bless Grace: I hate you so much Grace: This is what I get for being nice Janis: Nice Janis: Where? Grace: This WHOLE convo Grace: From the moment I checked you were still alive Grace: & I defended you last night GOD KNOWS why Janis: Shouldn't have to Janis: if your friends weren't cunts you wouldn't be in such a mood Grace: You're the only one being a bitch to me, Janis Grace: Newsflash Janis: Nah Janis: I'd have to be interested for that Grace: Yeah we KNOW you're only into barista boy Janis: Why would I be interested in anything you're doing Janis: it's them with the fucked priorities for giving a shit Grace: OMG get over yourself Grace: getting one boy to sleep with you doesn't make you God's gift Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: Like I told you before, he'll get bored Janis: You first Janis: Like I told you before, get a hobby Janis: pass it on Grace: Whatever Grace: Don't come crying to me when he realises how much of a bitch you are Janis: 😰 Janis: Don't come to me when you grow a backbone and/or personality of your own Janis: still won't be interested Grace: I already have both thanks Janis: 👌 Grace: 👋 Janis: Cute 😂 Grace: At least one of us is Janis: Sick burn Janis: If only someone that weren't Mia thought so, eh babe? Janis: Sad times 💔 Grace: Take your own advice and get a clue Janis: 😂 #exposed Janis: get some self-esteem Grace: You need it more Grace: Letting that boy use you like this....tragic Janis: I'm God's gift, remember Janis: Can't have it both ways baby Grace: I said you think you are Grace: Not that he does Janis: SELF-esteem, Gracie Janis: not 'this boy would chuck it up me from behind' esteem Janis: poor thing Grace: Faking having it doesn't mean you really do, hun Grace: We can all flex on the snap Grace: You're honestly so embarrassing Janis: I don't need facetune to flex Janis: no filters gonna fix all...that 💋 Grace: You DO need it, you just don't USE it Janis: Nah, I don't though Janis: tragedy Grace: Sure Jan Grace: Keep telling yourself that, babes Janis: You keep telling yourself Janis: can't talk someone into feeling as bad as you do Janis: let your bestie in on the secret and maybe you'll both stop being such poisonous little trolls 💕 Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: You wish Grace: Can't be bullied without a bully, but you're not that important to Mia 💔 Janis: Oh no Janis: not queen Mia Janis: suck her dick a lil better and she might love you back Janis: story of your life though, that 🤷 Grace: You're actually disgusting Grace: Save it for your boyfriend, I'm sure it makes him really 😍😍😍 Janis: Yeah, and I'm the Nun Janis: the swings and roundabouts you have to go on to make me the bad guy Janis: no wonder you're braindead 😵 Grace: Yeah sure 🙄 Grace: I don't have to say things to cover up the fact I don't know what I'm doing Grace: You sound 12 Janis: Lie of the year goes to Janis: that's all that comes out your mouth Janis: fuck what's going in it 😂 Janis: I'm glad I don't like you, it'd be exhausting having to pity you as hard as is needed Grace: Again, you wish Grace: You tell me to get a hobby, you make the same 'argument' over and over again Janis: it ain't an argument Janis: irrefutable facts Janis: don't like it, change it up Janis: we all got bored a long time ago Grace: Exactly, it isn't, it's you trying to throw shade TERRIBLY Grace: You don't know a single fact about me, babe Grace: Clearly you don't like THAT if you have to keep pretending you do Grace: Hm? Sounds like me with his convo Grace: Don't you have a boy getting bored rn? You might wanna focus on that Janis: Nothing to know Janis: Shadow of a shadow Janis: Literally how are you the blandest granola ass bitch outta the lot and they're all white as hell Janis: not even earning them mixed points, it's a real talent how uninteresting you are, truly Janis: tutorial on that, please Grace: 😂😂😂😂 Grace: But you're STILL talking to me instead of him Grace: What's the matter? Not everything you hoped it'd be? So sad Janis: I got more than one braincell Janis: can talk about put mascara on Janis: though the memes of you failing in your last vid have been amusing, tah for that Grace: You should try doing it Grace: Obvs you need more that mascara but every little helps Janis: Not with a face like that Janis: but you know, more is more and it almost constitutes a mask at this point Grace: 👏👏👏 Janis: There you go, now when you cry like a little bitch about it, you've got reason beyond your victim complex Janis: welcome ✌ Grace: MINE? You're the one who thinks that we're so invested in your little love story that we're all out for sabotage Grace: Please Janis: You know you can see when people watch your stories, yeah? Janis: she was like, the first view Janis: so much for not being important, don't worry, I won't steal your girl Grace: She's mad 'cause you outshined her coffee date moment Grace: Like I said, she'll get over it Janis: Should stop making herself vom Janis: wreaks havoc on your natural glow, but that's neither here nor there Grace: And she's the evil one Grace: That's not funny or true Janis: Cry me a river Janis: not gonna if she kills herself making herself look even worse than her personality Grace: OMG STOP Grace: You're as bad as she is Grace: Obsessed with each other 🙄 Grace: Get a room or something Janis: Awh, wanna be BFFs then?! Janis: 😏 Grace: Shut up Grace: I'd rather be the one who dies Janis: Didn't think so Grace: The first thing you've got right this whole time Grace: Well done, babes Janis: I ain't the one in remedials with the rest of the thickos Grace: Stop calling me stupid Janis: Any time you fancy stopping Janis: be my guest Grace: And what? Be more like you? 😂 Janis: You wish Janis: Be less braindead, would be a start Grace: YOU wish Grace: Caring about what I look like doesn't make me braindead Grace: It makes you a judgey bitch Janis: Yeah, that's the issue Janis: look like Sephora threw up on your face all you want Janis: at least be a person with it, not a painted fuckdoll Grace: So sorry I can't get top marks in maths or whatever OMG Janis: 🔬 Grace: I don't even know what you're talking about now Janis: Just trying to find your last surviving braincell Grace: Find it with the last place you cared about anything Janis: 🔭 Janis: Nope Janis: no signs of life Janis: soz Grace: So glad I could make you feel better about your crap shag by insulting me Grace: But I'm the idiot 👌 Janis: Awh, don't do yourself down Janis: never let it be said you don't have your uses Grace: I'm not here to be used by you, hun Grace: Deal with that Janis: Just a cumdump and Mia's personal bitch Janis: coolio 👍 Grace: Says you Grace: You've known that boy for like a day Grace: & Mia's more concerned with you right now, like I said Janis: 😱 Janis: Are you SLUT SHAMING me Janis: dundundun Janis: know you're 💔 but babes, girl code Grace: I'm stating a fact Grace: You think you're better than me, you aren't Janis: You think I am Janis: I just don't disagree, that's all Grace: I think you're the worst person this family has so far produced Grace: But whatever you need to tell yourself Janis: A dagger through my heart Janis: good thing you've got no place then init Grace: Yeah Grace: Bad enough I have to have the same last name as you all Janis: Marry the first boring white boy who will settle for you and no one ever need know Grace: And follow in your footsteps? No thanks Janis: You couldn't fill these shoes, figuratively and literally Grace: I don't want to Grace: You dress worse than your boyfriend Grace: At least he gets paid to look like that some of the time Janis: as much as I'd LOVE to look like topshop's sale rack Janis: you rinse 'em every time, what's a girl to do Grace: Obvs Grace: It's all my fault you look a state Janis: I don't, so don't trouble yourself Grace: You do, but I won't Janis: Mia don't seem to think so 😘 Grace: She hates you, that's her obsession Grace: Keep looking like that, it fuels her Janis: What, the body she's actually killing herself for? Janis: Will do and it's so effortless Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: I'm the one who needs a hobby and is soooo uninteresting but you keep talking about Mia cos that's really not Grace: Go into her inbox, please Janis: Like I said, get a personality and we might stand a chance Janis: surgically remove yourself or are you less of a Siamese and more parasite? Grace: Sure, I'll turn myself into her so you can be obsessed with me Grace: You two are ridiculous Janis: 😂😂 Janis: Oh honey Janis: you clearly can't, been trying for years Grace: You wish Grace: Does your boyfriend know you're in love with my best friend? Grace: You might wanna share before he catches feelings Janis: Do you know your best friend kinda hates you? Janis: 😬 too late for you, awkies Grace: Rn the feeling is mutual Grace: Get over it Jan-Jan Janis: 💔 Janis: You'll get over it Janis: well, she'll walk over you, doormat Grace: Like you care Grace: either way Janis: What's the point Janis: You're never going to Grace: I care bitch Janis: You're never going to stand up to her Janis: Why should I be waiting on it with baited breath Grace: You've never waited on me Grace: Don't act like it's Mia's fault Janis: It ain't, it's yours Janis: she's a decent scapegoat though Grace: Again, you wish Grace: Nothing's all my fault, sorry about it Janis: Trust, no part of me wishes for you as my sister Janis: especially what you've become Grace: That makes two of us Janis: You said Janis: with all the care and concern you're claiming Grace: I do care, I just wish I didn't Grace: and that you weren't my sister Janis: Get over it Grace: You can try and tell me what to do as much as you like Grace: Not gonna happen Janis: I know, you're hopelessly pathetic Janis: like I said, no baited breath here Grace: Me? Oh babes Grace: Like I said, tragic Janis: Yeah, you Grace: 😂 Janis: 😥

[alisa-u-okovima]

What is the Best Golf Rangefinder- Golf Digest Reviews 2019

If this rangefinder had been created for golf as a substitute of hunting, it will likely be the most effective value on the evaluate. 

This model comes with vivid display technology that may enlarge up to 6x to make the measurements easier to see regardless of the surroundings in addition to a Bushnell's patented rain guard lens remedy to keep it from fogging. 

Although it wasn't created for golf, this hunting rangefinder can still get the job carried out.

 They offer comparable options, with the X2 providing extra efficient vary and accuracy while being waterproof. 

To find the flag, you should use the 5x magnification with fast focus and the JOLT know-how to let you understand when you're locked in.

It provides an enormous stage of accuracy so that the person ought to rest assured about the correctness of target distance.

 If you are a guru gold player and want to take pleasure in all of the options that one of the best golf rangefinder 2019 can offer you, then consider buying the premium golf rangefinders on https://golflaserrangefinderhq.com.

 The accessibility of this low-cost golf rangefinder is increased with each shot.

With a little little bit of behind-the-scenes math, it is able to provide an accurate measurement. 

Basically, the GPS determines the place you are standing based on your coordinates, and it additionally is aware of the coordinates to many places on the course. 

Both of these products measure distances on the golf course, however they go about it in numerous ways.

 Typically, you will be measuring the gap to the flag, however you are not restricted to reading flag distance solely.

This gadget runs on a 9 V battery, which could be very beneficial as a result of changing dead batteries is very easy.

 With a range of over a thousand yards, you will by no means be incapable of measuring right distances ever again.

 I advocate this rangefinder to anybody who cannot take poor design seriously. 

No other rangefinder on the market gives you the ability to also coach and help enhance anybody's golf ability.

 This expensive rangefinder is packed with state-of-the-artwork hardware and software program that lets it outperform the majority of the competition.

This is the most important issue as you have to have a finances in your mind to spend on a top rated golf rangefinder, so try to select the mannequin based on your wants solely.

 Ease of use is a should in order to get the accurate distance of a target from a selected point. 

As per the opinion of pro golf gamers, and my survey, the instructed rangefinders are the laser golf rangefinders.

[jokertrap-ran]

BAD MEDICINE ~Infectious teachers~ [PC GAME] Nagihara Taiki (Mathematics) Route Translations (Doll END)

MC’s name is retained as the original MC name Kawana Hina.

* Words within ‘   ‘ are spoken in English – *Spoiler free : Translations under cut!

Prologue / Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5/ Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 13 / Part 14 / Part 15 / Part 16 / Part 17 / Part 18 / Bad END / Ruin END / Doll END

–Why didn’t I get 1 more mark?

It haunted my consciousness ever since that fateful day. The thought went around my head in loops regardless of whether I was awake or not.

And then…

Friend A: Huh? Hina-chan…? Aren't you going to go home?

Hina: Yeah, give me a while more.

Friend A: ...Is that maths that you're studying?

Friend A: Hey, listen. I don't think you should really be working yourself to the bone like that.

Hina: I'm fine so you don't have to worry.

Friend A: But…

Hina: Sorry. Just, don't talk to me right now. I want to focus on solving this question.

Female Student A: Hey, you should stop bothering her anymore than that for your own good.

Female Student B: That's right. She's been acting a little strange lately….

Friend A: ………... We'll be heading home first then.

Hina: (Ahh, I'm glad they left. They were such a noisy bunch. I can finally focus on my studies now.)

Hina: (I have to solve it… Doing so will mean that I'm 1 question closer to meeting Nagihara-sensei's expectations.)

Hina: (If I had scored full marks… Sensei, he wouldn't have made such a pained expression.)

Hina: (I'm sure he wouldn't. If only I hadn't betrayed his expectations of me…)

Hina: (It's all my fault…)

Hina: The Bell has gone off...I better leave.

Hina: I have to hurry and leave… I have to get to him…

I didn't manage to get full marks.

It was an incident that proved to myself how stupid, crappy and useless I was.

And I hated it. Utterly. That's not what I worked so hard for!

I hate this. I hate it! So, so much! I hate it so very much and that's why…

That's why... …...

Nagihara: You're late. You're 1 minute late from our appointed time

Hina: Sorry… I'm late even though I'm the one who requested that the remedial be continued.

Nagihara: Enough of the useless banter.

Nagihara: We'll start at once.

Hina: Y-Yes.

Hina: ………...

Hina: (Oh no...I don't know how to solve this.)

Nagihara: What's wrong? Your hand has stopped moving.

Hina: I'm sorry about that… I don't know what formula I should be using for the 2nd question.

Nagihara: Did I just mishear you? Did you just say that you've stumbled upon something you can't handle...?

Hina: I'm sorry but I-

Nagihara: I wonder how far you'll go to disappoint me till you're satisfied…

Nagihara: It’s just a mathematical expression of such low caliber. Exactly what do you not understand?

Nagihara’s Father: It’s just a mathematical expression of such low caliber. Exactly what do you not understand?

Hina: Please, sensei… Won't you teach me…!?

Nagihara: Really. It’s hard to understand only because your brain isn’t up to par with it…!

Nagihara’s Father: Really. It’s hard to understand only because your brain isn’t up to par with it…!

Nagihara: You've made me recall some memories that I didn't need a reminder of… How nauseating.

Hina: I'm sorry! I'm really sorry!

Nagihara: Move your hands before shooting your mouth off.

Nagihara: Listening to your screechy voice sours my mood so much that even the cigarette I'm smoking turns into something unpalatable.

Hina: Sensei, I…!

Hina: Sensei...No, wait! Don't go! Please teach me! Don't...toss me aside like that!

Nagihara: …………! Don't touch me!

Hina: Kyaa!

Nagihara: Who said that you could touch me?

Hina: D-Don't go! Sensei…! Please give me...please give me guidance…!

Hina: I'll definitely score a 100 on the next round just like I promised you! I'll get a 100 for sure, so please…!

Nagihara: Tell me, what is it that I wish for?

Hina: Uu….uuu… You want….me to…

Nagihara: I can't hear you.

Hina: Get excellent grades in mathematics… So that I wouldn't bring shame to your name...

Nagihara: Just looking at you annoys me.

Hina: I'm sorry, I'm really… Sorry!

Nagihara: Listen here and listen well. You are nothing but trash of the lowest caliber who can't achieve anything.

Nagihara: Those born as trash from the start won't be able to achieve anything in the future no matter how hard they try. How about knowing your place and giving up already?

Hina: No! I will never give up…!

Nagihara: ...Kawana.

Hina: I-I'll work hard and do my damnedest so… So please, don't abandon me!

Hina: I'll get a 100… I'll make everything right the next time! So please don't leave me alone…!

Nagihara: Don't leave you, you say? Heh...

Nagihara: Pft- Heh. Hehe, Ahahaha. Hahahahaha!!

Hina: Sensei…?

Nagihara: What an unsightly being…!

Nagihara: How comical, unsightly and ugly! It really makes my stomach churn…!

Nagihara: Very well, I'll comply with you. Stand up, Kawana.

Nagihara: —Did you not hear me? I said, stand up!

Hina: ……!

Nagihara: ...That's right, good girl.

Hina: What…?

Hina: (Did he just...Praise me?)

Nagihara: Look. You can do it if you want to.

Hina: (He's.. patting my head…)

Hina: Uhehe, ahahaha…!

Nagihara: Heh, you look all messed up… Teary and messy. Almost as if you were slobbering over something you wish to have.

Nagihara: Just like a dog that got abandoned. How dirty.

Hina: (He's smiling! I'm glad he's smiling! I'm really thankful that he's smiling…!)

Hina: (This is fine! I'm not doing anything wrong…!)

Hina: Aha, AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH…!!

Hina: Kyaa—!?

Nagihara: Don't let it go to your head and keep quiet. It's hard on the ears.

Hina: Ah...S-Sensei… I apologize!

Hina: I won't be noisy anymore I won't make a sound…!

Nagihara: You undisciplined fool.

Nagihara: ...Oh right. How do you fancy me buying a collar for you next time?

Nagihara: A red collar with thick durable chains as a leash would be nice. I'm sure that it'll complement that idiotic look you always have on your face.

Hina: You'll...Do that for me?

Nagihara: Indeed, I will. I'll specifically choose one that suits you and place it on your neck just like this...

Hina: ….Mmngh! ...Ah...

Nagihara: I'll make it so that it's tight. So very tight that it'll leave marks upon your skin.

Hina: I'm elated...To hear that!

Nagihara: And you'll wear that collar whenever you're in this room.

Nagihara: You'll listen to me and heed whatever I say as my slave. Am I right?

Hina: Yes…!

Nagihara: The collar will be a little secret between us… Will you be able to keep it secret?

Hina: Secret...It's a secret… One only between us two…

Nagihara: Can you?

Hina: O-Of course! I'll keep it a secret…!!

Nagihara: Hehe, an apt answer.

Hina: (Ahh, he laughed!)

Nagihara: I'm sure that you'll be my best student as of yet.

Hina; (I'll follow him and do whatever he tells me to.)

Hina: (From now on, forever…)

Hina: (Forever and ever for an eternity. That's right, an eternity, never-ending till the end of time. Forever and ever.)

Hina: Ngh! ….Urk! Mmngh! Ngh…!

Nagihara: Tch...I have to wash my hands.

Hina: Uu….Heh, Hehe...Ahaha…!!

Hina: (Just like how he wishes it to be…)

Hina: (That's right. This is...How I wish for things to be.)

[wiresandstarlings]

you’re not boring anymore

I'm not sure how strongly I believe any of these ideas. At the same time, I feel like I have to get all this out of my head to move forward, in writing and in life. Please excuse the form.

Proposition 1. Life is a constrained optimization problem.

Definition 1. Resources are finite means. The most useful and most common resources are time, attention, and money. Resources can be defined in terms of a type and a quantity.

Definition 2. Characteristics are distinguishing traits, qualities, or properties. Similarly to resources, characteristics can be defined in terms of a dimension and a scalar weight. For example, beauty is a positive weight along the dimension of “attractiveness”. Ugliness is a negative weight along that same dimension.

Note. When I talk about subjective characteristics like “attractiveness”, I mean them in a “conventional” sense. That is, if everyone in the world scored two people on attractiveness, whoever had the higher average score would be “more attractive”. Becoming more attractive means increasing this average score.

Definition 3. Assuming there are a finite number of resource types and characteristic dimensions, we can think of individuals in time as a vector of characteristic weights and resources. Let's denote the space of individual states as S.

Lemma 1. Across a population of individuals, characteristics and resources are normally distributed.

Proof. The central limit theorem suggests that measures that are the net of many factors are normally distributed. Most human characteristics and circumstances, including height, intelligence, attractiveness, and wealth, are the sum of a myriad of genetic and environmental factors. It follows that human characteristics are normally distributed. This is consistent with empirical evidence for a number of natural phenomena.

Some characteristic measures, such as IQ, were balanced specifically so that a representative human population would be normally distributed with respect to them.

Note. This includes time and attention. Different people require different amounts of sleep, and are capable of differing levels of focus.

Observation. We can think of some diseases – dwarfism, autism, retardation – as individuals falling at the extremes of various characteristic distributions.

Note. Some characteristics, like height and weight and attractiveness, are correlated. We assume here the correlations all wash out on a characteristic level.  

Corollary. Along every dimension, most people are average (~68%), some are good or bad (~13.5%), and very few are great or terrible (~2.5%).

Definition 4. An action is a function from the space of individual states S to S x U, where U is a subset of the real line. U represents utility, which we can think of as happiness or pleasure. Actions typically expend some amount of resources and/or happiness to generate other resources, alter characteristics, and/or alter utility. We can even think of inaction as an action which consumes time, doesn't alter our characteristics (or slightly degrades them), and either creates or consumes utility. Denote A_i the space of action functions for an individual i. Note that only a subset of A_i will be viable from any particular state, and the exact outputs of any particular action will depend on the characteristics and resources in the state.

Observation. Some characteristics, such as race, are immutable. Most are not.

Proposition 2. The goal of every individual is to take actions to maximize their average utility through the course of their life.

Note. “Utility” is not entirely self-interested. It's most typically the byproduct of self-development or self-gratification, but people can (and often do) gain utility by following a moral code, helping others, or righting wrongs. Our characteristics determine how we gain utility and how much. The calculus isn't necessarily (and often isn't) rational.

(For example, I get a lot of pleasure out of maintaining this blog even though it mostly serves to embarrass me.)  

Lemma 2. Our constraints are functions of our characteristics.

Proof. Based on our preferences and abilities, we improve along particular dimensions more or less quickly and gain or lose utility doing so. For example, athletes will learn sports more quickly than they learn math. Some people think abstractly; some visually; some physically. People who are out of shape will have a harder time improving their physical condition than people who are healthier, and will likely have a less pleasant experience. (At least initially.)

Where we start also affects who and what we have access to. For example, people who show promise in a sport at an early age will have greater support from their parents, access to better coaching, and invitations to more competitive games than those who don't. People who are poor are often forced to accept underfunded and understaffed schools.

Based on our characteristics, we need to expend greater or lesser quantities of time, attention, and money to make the same kind and amount of progress. People have greater or lesser difficulty reaching the same benchmarks.  

However, our constraints change alongside our characteristics. Once we've learned the fundamentals of math, learning more gets easier. Once we're in shape, staying in shape is rewarding. Much of why life is difficult is that our constraints are constantly changing and that we can change our constraints.

Note. Some of why life is difficult are the constraints we can't change.

Observation. Age is one of the most significant factors here. As we get older, we get slower, weaker, and changing becomes harder. (Eg. fluid versus crystallized intelligence.) Our daily allotments of time and attention grow smaller.

Corollary. Life is unfair.

Proof. Individuals are assigned differing allotments of characteristics at birth. Thus they face different constraints.

Observation. As a society, how do we fairly distribute public resources given that people face different constraints?

Lemma 3. All actions carry diminishing returns.

Proof. There are natural limits to every characteristic, every resource, and to human improvement. Improvement is monotonically increasing by definition, so we must approach these limits asymptotically with respect to our expenditures of time, attention, and money.

Theorem 1. Anyone can be above-average at something.

Proof. By definition, we all have finite resources and in particular have roughly equal allotments of time and attention, the most valuable resources. So if we're naturally above-average in at least one dimension, we can likely remain above-average in that characteristic by devoting all of our resources to it. But even if we're below-average in every way, we can still become above-average in at least one dimension by allocating all of our resources in a dimension that nobody else allocates resources to. There are more dimensions than people, since there are several dimensions with regard to each specific person, so at least one such dimension must exist.

Note. In practice, people allocate their resources carelessly, so even valuable dimensions like attractiveness are easily accessible. Even though appearance is mostly genetic, the vast majority of people don't exercise enough, eat well, or take care of themselves. So even someone who's unattractive to start can become more attractive than average by just putting the work in.

Note. The real question behind taking any action or aiming at any goal is whether the time, attention, and money you'll need to expend are worth what you get. If you're unattractive to start, maybe you can become attractive by devoting all your resources to that goal. But is being attractive worth that commitment?

At the end of the day, utility is the only true objective.

Note. Standing out is essentially a resource allocation game.

Theorem 2. Unless you're at the top of at least one characteristic distribution to start, there is no guarantee that you will ever be the best at anything.

Proof. The people at the top of each characteristic distribution have the option of allocating all their time and resources to that characteristic. Because there are limits to human improvement, you will never surpass them if they do.

Theorem 3. To have a lasting impact on the world, you need to have been born at the top of several characteristic distributions.

Proof. To advance a field, you need to be at or neat the top of that field. To be at or near the top of a field, according to Theorem 2, you need to have been at or near the top of the characteristic distributions prerequisite for that field to start.

Corollary. To maximize your chances of having an impact on the world, you should devote your full resources to improving your natural gifts.

Note. Living a good and fulfilling life doesn't mean having a lasting impact on the world. The two are barely related.

Theorem 4. Nobody can have it all.

Proof. By lemma 1, the probability that anyone is at the top of every characteristic distribution is infinitesimally small. So everyone is almost certainly lacking in several areas. Time, attention, and money are finite, so nobody can't remedy every flaw they have.

Theorem 5. People have both more and less control over their lives than they think.

Proof. Theorems 1, 2, 3, and 4.

Note. Thinking about the world this way added a lot of clarity to my life. Five months ago, I was applying to jobs in tech but I wasn't entirely convinced I wanted one. I'd always preferred writing to math and programming, and trying streaming had been at the back of my mind for a while. On top of all that, I felt like I wasn't social enough, wasn't reading enough, needed to exercise more, needed to get my finances in order, etc.

But when I stepped back and asked myself what I really wanted out of life, it was clear that working in tech was by far my best play. The two things I want most at this stage in my life are to have an impact on the world and to have the financial freedom to pursue interesting ideas and opportunities. And although it's unlikely I have a real impact on the world no matter what I do, the massive force-multiplying power of computers makes improving the human condition on a global scale more accessible through tech than through any other field. Tech also pays more and more consistently than writing and streaming.

And like, I enjoy writing, but I'm decidedly unexceptional at it relative to math and programming. These days, writing professionally also requires personal branding, networking, and marketing, all of which I hate and am horrible at. Streaming has all those same demands, but also requires social skills.

I also felt more comfortable just working in tech for a while and reevaluating later. I wasn't trying to find my purpose anymore, I was just satisfying my objective function to the best of my ability given my immediate circumstances. Those circumstances will change and my solution will change with them – that's life.

Note. This perspective gave me a lot of comfort in my personal life. I realized that the reason why I don't have many friends is because I don't spent much effort trying to make friends, not because I have some deep-seated flaw. My relative isolation was a choice, even if I was unaware I had chosen it.

I also felt a much greater sense of purpose. Recognizing that my happiness was entirely a matter of how I allocated my time, money, and attention and that my reality was a function of my priorities forced me to reevaluate how I was distributing my resources. I stopped doing things that didn't make me happy and made more time for things that did. I started exercising more. I stopped worrying about money so much.

Note. Happy New Year, and best of luck. So it goes.