#remember when the final trailer dropped and we all thought this person was beat lol

[avocad1s]

The Gnosis Can Wait

Requested By: No one. Original work.

CW: 5.0 spoilers below this line!!! 5.0 spoilers below this line! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

Summary: After his battle with Mavuika, Capitano was left injured. He retreats wanting to replan his strategy when he runs into you, the Creator, who had just descended to Teyvat.

Note: So how are you all liking Natlan? As of right now I think it’s okay only because I want to return to Fontaine 😞

Capitano wasn’t used to the taste of defeat.

As number one in the Fatui harbingers and the strongest amongst them no doubt, he is used to winning every match he partakes in. Or for his opponents to concede before the battle even begins.

Yet he doesn’t take it to heart, he knows the outcomes of every battle can differ in many different ways and he isn’t arrogant about his strength.

Mavuika was a God after all. Even though his power rivals hers, he knew he would have to best her with a foolproof strategy and it seemed barging in wasn’t the right one. She was a worthy opponent.

Capitano returns to his camp, the pain in his chest still burning from the small wound Mavuika left on him. He can wait, once his wound heals then he will strike her again, only this time he won’t miss. At least he has an ally in his pocket keeping him up to date on all the politics within Natlan.

“My lord,” Capitano’s right hand, Rezanov begins while bowing. “We found footprints nearby. We believe someone might stumble into camp soon…”

Capitano lets out a sigh underneath his mask, “how many people?”

“We believe only one, there’s only one track of footprints.”

Only one person? Nothing really to worry about. Unless this person is returning to tell the Archon his location.

“Find them and bring them here.” He orders and Rezanov nods and quickly takes off.

———

Okay… don’t freak out. Don’t freak out…

You just woke up in Genshin Impact.

You remember waiting impatiently by your PC for the newest update to the game, but you must’ve fallen asleep while waiting. Now you were dreaming about the it? Jeez, even in your own dreams you thought about the game. You really needed to touch grass. (lol jk jk luv you all)

You were dreaming about Natlan… a nation that you haven’t even played yet. You couldn’t have had a dream about your favorite nation? Or meeting all your favorite characters?

But everything felt so real. Even after watching the trailer and the leaks you’ve seen online, there’s no way you could know such detail about the nation. Maybe it was just your mind filling in the gaps…

“Stop right there!”

You turn around and your blood runs immediately cold. It was two fatui skirmishers and one fatui agent. You don’t even know the amount of times you’ve killed these enemies for their drops or just for the fun of it.

So this is how you die… at least this is better than falling into the claws of Childe, who you’d beat up anytime you built a new character.

“Our lord the Captain will deal with you, come with us with no fight.”

Scratch that. This was much, much worse…

“Wait… isn’t that…?” One of them whispered.

They put down their weapons, looks of remorse on their faces.

“Your Grace… please for give our imprudence we had no idea it was you…” Rezanov. “Please come with us, the Captain would be delighted to see you.”

Right… you’ve read fanfics like this before. Believing you’re their Creator… you wonder if your blood was gold. Perhaps you could check later. For now, you were going to follow them, it’s not like Capitano has appeared in the game you can get a first time look at him.

You follow the trio deeper into the forest, a small fireplace in the distance, you could only assume the Captain would be there.

“My lord, we found who was trailing around camp. Their Grace has decided to bless us with their presence on Teyvat once more.”

Capitano turns around and say nothing for what felt like forever. Even with the helmet, you knew he was staring intently at you.

“Your Grace.” He finally says, his voice much softer than you ever expected. “I am honored to be in your presence.”

He approached, towering over you.

“You three. Fetch Their Grace some food—“ he looks down at you once more. “And a change of clothes.”

You feel embarrassment creep up your neck. What’s wrong with your pajamas? Could he tell they weren’t from this word?

He holds out his hand, and you take it being able to feel the warmth underneath the glove. This dream was much realer than you thought…

Capitano leads you to his large tent holding the flaps open so you could enter. “We weren’t expecting your arrival so I apologize for the lack of preparations…”

You shake your head, “everything is fine.” Not like you’d be here forever…

“You can have my tent You Grace, I will camp outside.” He adds.

You furrow your eyebrows, “this tent is big enough for two people, can’t we just share it?”

Capitano doesn’t say nothing for a moment, you fear you’ve might’ve offended him with your offer but it was the complete opposite. Capitano felt as if he was on top of the world, to share a camp with the Creator? To be able to protect you? To see your sleeping face…

He feels his cheeks grow crimson and he is eternally grateful for his helmet. “Of course, if that’s what you wish Your Grace…”

The flaps to the tent open and Rezanov enters the tent. “My lord, we've received word that the Pyro Archon has lost much of her power.”

“Although your injury complicates things, this is most certainly the opportune time to seize the Gnosis...”

Capitano was slightly irritated with his subordinate’s unwarranted entry but he wouldn’t do anything yet, not while you were right in front of him.

“The Gnosis can wait, we have more important matters…” he replies, his focus never leaving you.

© avocad1s 2024

Note: Capitano was the highlight of Natlan for me. Sorry but i’m a Fatui Harbinger glazer 😞 why’d they make them so fine? It’s not fair… Now here’s to hoping my man is playable, saving all my primos for him so he better not disappoint.

Edit: I know Mavuika isn’t a God but I’m thinking Capitano wouldn’t know that since she’s the only one of the Seven that isn’t a one which is where I went with this fic

[goldensunset]

oh btw i forgot to say. RHYME RHYME RHYME RHYME RHYYYYMMEEE

[laconchadetumadre]

these days I've been trying to understand how so many fans ended up blaming kyle for cartman's ending and well i think a lot of other people here have covered that already but i just wanted to add a little bit of my personal experience with the post covid special. so well, just as everybody else i was expecting a lot more of character development and heart to heart moments between the boys like that stan-randy convo that i think would have been more fitting bettween kyle and stan but oh well:), the thing is, right as the whole cartman vs kyle fight was going on i remember asking out loud "is kyle ever gonna get any retribution? is cartman ever gonna admit all the horrible things hes done to him and at least apologize?" then the ending rolled in and tbh i didnt feel anything for cartman, like at all, no sadness or happiness, i didnt feel like it was karma being served like some have said or felt like cartman was a poor hero who got a tragic ending, i just thought "woah... matt and trey really would rather take cartman's family and make him homeless then ever let him fucking own up to his mistakes and apologize" i kinda felt like wendy on that breast cancer episode, when she is telling cartman shes gonna beat him up for making fun of cancer and despite wendy giving him multiple chances to apologize cartman chooses to fucking eat his own underwear and shit on the teacher's desk in front of everyone instead of just saying sorry. like, be honest, we all know cartman would have kept his family had he not been so stuborn on trying to kill kyle. His hate for kyle is LITERALLY what ended up wiping his family bc his wife and kids would rather fucking die than "be like kyle" and dude i don't know if the whole thing with his kids is genetic or if he taught them to hate kyle but either way, its still his family's hate for kyle that ended up destroying them. when kyle popped up with his kids i wasn't really excited about it at first bc i was still pretty mad that cartman managed to not pay apologies where it was due... again, like i hope im not the only one who thinks this but cartman's suffering gives no retribution to all the people he's hurt, him being homeless isnt a good replacement of a propper apology to kyle, butters and heidi... like ill admit i feel a bit strongly about it bc guess what? my faves are kyle, butters AND heidi so yeah. i mean when the first trailer dropped i was really excited about the possibility of a redeemed cartman bc a properly redeemed cartman means kyle and butters get to finally live their lives in peace. i thought if there is any time to give cartman, stan and kyle a major character development is now, but well we got nft and space jams jokes i guess?? i dont know, it's just, i agree with a lot of the arguments from the people who ended up blaming kyle but its that whole "blame the victim" mentality that bothers me, and also the fact that it seems like thats what matt and trey were going for. like, the whole "cartman's hate for kyle is on his genes" joke is pretty funny ngl, but paired with cartman's antisemitism and all the times he's fucking sexually harassed kyle is just...yikes. also, this is pretty minor but i dont get how so many people ended up attached to cartman's family, like i did find them funny but the only thing they had going on is that they are cartman's family and they hate kyle lol also the fact that yentl was a rude guest and her scene with cartman ugh, like i know the point of that is that kyle's jealous bc he doesnt get how someone like cartman gets to have a family and blablabla but honestly it would be totally understandable and relatable if he was just annoyed bc couples being affectionate in public is fucking disgusting, like dont fight me on that, get a fucking room (your OWN room in YOUR house) no one wants to see that shit lol. like same with heidi, i love her but i always skip her scenes with cartman bc gay fatigue. so yeah i didnt find yentl or the kids all that likable and i don't really feel anything for their ending, rip i guess. if anyone bothered to read all this

uhm... thanks? this is honestly just how i feel about the special, ive seen cartman stans wish the worst on kyle so yeah im just allowing myself to leave a few my ugly thoughts out there, see if anyone agrees. the whole debate is pretty death by now so i doubt this will do anything.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #360

“we are the ones that wanna play  /  always wanna go, but you never wanna stay”

"Crawling" or "In The End?" I want to say "Crawling," but I really can't be sure. Both are bomb. Is your window open? No. Monsters Inc. or Shrek? Shrek, my man. What did you last hear that made your jaw drop? Jason's mom died. What is the longest shower or bath you have ever taken? I remember as kids, Nicole and I would sometimes play 'til Mom made us finish because the water was cold by then. As an adult, idk about my longest shower. Do you have a preference of chocolate? Yeah, milk chocolate. Is there anyone you’d like to hug right now? Yeah. Could you ever picture someone writing a biography about you? Definitely not. Do you have a clock in your room? No. Do you shut off the computer when you’re done using it? No, I just close it. Do you usually catch a cold during the winter? No. I just about never get sick. Are you a good multi-tasker? NOOOOOOOOOOO. Do you know any deaf people? If so, is it easy or difficult to have conversations with them? No. Is there a door knocker on your front door? No. Were you ever into Pokémon? Bitch I still am. Do you drink a lot of water? Sigh, no. I'm definitely better than I used to be, though; once upon a time, I literally never drank it unless I was extremely hot and dehydrated. Nowadays, it's usually after I finish my soda for the day that I then only drink water, normally around one full tall cup of it. Do you like fireworks? They're beautiful, but I'm personally against them out of respect for veterans suffering from PTSD as well as animals, because I'm not exactly interested in traumatizing them, either. Is respect given or earned with you? It's given, the way I think it should be. Are you “in the closet” about anything? No. Are you missing any teeth? No. Do you like scrapbooking? I've never gotten into it and am not really interested in doing so. What was or will be your first tattoo? It's a semicolon butterfly on my right wrist. Sometimes I've thought about getting it covered with a cooler design but the same concept; it was literally from Google, and I'm very much not into "sharing" tattoo designs with probably thousands of other people. But, I still think it really is cute, and it's just very special to me as my first, so idk. Do you have any tattoos dedicated to someone special? I have one written in Sara's handwriting inside a heart, and my "ohana" tattoo that I am 100% getting covered was dedicated to my former best friend Colleen. I've talked before about why "ohana" has never really resonated with me, and I just don't like it anymore at all. Thank God it's small. Do you like ghost stories? Oh HELL yeah, lay 'em on me. What was your favorite movie as a kid? The Lion King. Some things never change, ha. Do you own a lot of cookbooks? Mom has looooots, but never uses any. I think her mom gave them to her, so she just keeps 'em. What’s your father’s handwriting like? It looks like every other man's handwriting I've ever seen lol. All the letters are capitalized. Did you wash your hair last time you showered? I wash my hair every time I shower. I have to with it naturally being so oily. What does your shampoo smell like? Coconut. Do you listen to Guns N' Roses? Not a lot, but yeah. They've got some bangers. I actually want "Sweet Child O' Mine" to be the father/daughter dance at my wedding. Have you ever been a bridesmaid? Yeah, at my sister's wedding. What was the last video game that you beat? I replayed Silent Hill 2 a long time ago. Have you ever hyperventilated? Yep. Do you talk in your sleep? I scream in my sleep. Nightmares/terrors are a blast. Whose house did you last sleep over? Sara's. Have you ever been cut by scissors? No. Do you like peaches? It's odd, I like canned sliced peaches, but the actual, full fruit, I don't. I love peach flavored juice, though. Do you enjoy being surrounded by neighbors, or would you be more comfortable someplace secluded? Take me back to the middle of nowhere, please. I'm really not digging being in an actual neighborhood. Is there any sibling rivalry between you and your siblings, if you have any? Not at all. Do you usually root for the good guys or the bad guys? Ha, the baddies... Are you allowed to have pets at your house? We're allowed to have what we currently own and then maybe one dog if Mom finally finds one. Have you ever lived in a trailer park? No. Is there anyone that you know through the internet that you would feel comfortable meeting in person? There's quite a few, actually! Have you ever had a dream involving characters from a game/movie/television show? Yeah. What’s the last thing you wrote down? My signature, I think? Do you remember any phone numbers from years ago that now belong to someone you don’t know? No. Have you ever found something strange in your mailbox? No. Who was the last relative that came to visit you? My half-sister and her husband. Does your bedding all match? Not currently. Are you more comfortable with having short hair or long hair? SHORT. Are you interested in fantasy movies/shows? That's my preference. Have you ever gone whale-watching? No, but that'd be dope. What is something that you have a large amount of? Meerkat plushies. Who is it that you’re in love with? Nobody. Have you ever gotten love and infatuation confused? No. Do you have a steady income? No. Do you take your medications in the morning or at night? Both. Have you ever bought a YouTuber’s merch? No, I wish. :( Do you think oatmeal tastes better when made with water or milk? MILK. I don't eat it with water. When was the last time you ran into someone that you didn’t want to see? Idk. Have you ever tried vlogging, and if yes, did you stick with it? Noooo, I'm completely disinterested in doing that myself. If you go to church, what is your favorite thing about it? I don't go. Even as a kid when Mom made me, I hated it. ^and what is your least favorite thing about it? N/A What do you do for exercise? I don't. .-. I want a pool SO badly to swim and strengthen my legs without having to worry about sweating or collapsing, though. Mom says we don't have space, but we definitely do. Not a lot, but enough. Do you have a birthmark? If yes, what color is it? Yeah, it's just a bit darker than the rest of my skin. Do you need to lose weight? Yes. My sister, Mom, and I very recently started a Weight Watchers subscription and we're all working our asses off to stick to it. Ash has already lost like, 12 pounds (she started before Mom and me), so I'm kinda hopeful. Have you ever had a cat? Growing up, after we took in a stray female, we ended up with a fucking empire of cats, literally around three dozen, I'd say. They were all outdoors, too, and not fixed because we couldn't afford it, so tomcats would come around and, y'know, make matters worse. Eventually, animal control took them all and I was DEVASTATED, but looking back, I understand it was necessary. Anyway, I have one cat now. Indoors and fixed and the prince of my world, haha. Have you ever had a dog? We've had a few. I was born with my dad having a collie named Trigger, but I don't remember her at all; she died of old age I believe when I was very young. Then we briefly had a pup named Angel, but she died due to that disease some puppies just have. We didn't get another dog until Teddy, who was my Christmas present, and he was put to sleep only last year, rest my baby's soul. We also had Dale, Cali, Delilah, and Bentley. Have you ever any other kind of animal? A LOT. I'm probably going to forget some, but we've had hamsters, rats, snakes, fish, a turtle, two lizards, gerbils, guinea pigs... just a lot. Animals have always been very important in my life. Have you ever had a pet rock? HA, yeah. I didn't take it seriously at all, but I had one. When was the last time you painted something? Not since my Painting course in my final college attempt. Do you have any disabilities? Not in the traditional sense, no. My social anxiety though is at such a severity that it majorly infringes upon my ability to do a LOT of things, though. What are five of your favorite stores at the mall? I couldn't name five. Just Hot Topic and Spencer's, really. What season do you want to get married in? AUTUMN. The actual dream situation would be to get married in the snow in a black dress, like can you IMAGINE the pictures, but realistically, it'd be in the fall to avoid the biting cold. Has anyone ever spread lies about you? Yeah. Anything special planned for today? Nope. Blue or green? Blue. How much older/younger than you was the person you lost your virginity to? He's two years older than me. Do you still care for that person? Very much. Can you completely annihilate the first Mario game in less than an hour? I haven't even played the first game. I've never really been into the games to begin with. Did you make it all the way through the Oregon Trail game? Yes! I was OOOOOBSESSEEEEEED as a kid. I would usually play it after school when my mom was an assistant teacher and was finishing up her work for the day. Have you ever contemplated climbing a water tower? Uh, no. Those kind of people got some wanderlust levels that I ain't got, haha. If you have a Facebook, when was the last time you changed your profile picture? It's been a few months. Would you ever marry someone who was lower class? Um, yes? You can deny it all you want, but answering "no" is pretty much the same as saying you'd marry for money. Is there a guy you wish you hadn’t let slip away? ugh Which do you prefer: English or math? English, by light years. Who is a singer that has given you chills? David Draiman's voice in the Disturbed cover of "Sound of Silence" is fucking haunting. Greatest cover of all time. Do you watch America’s Got Talent? I did when Sharon was a judge. Do you think you could win America’s Got Talent? Hell no. What act would you perform in a talent show? uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Have you ever practiced yoga? Yes. I used to be BANGIN at it. What is your favorite thing to buy at the Farmer’s Market? Fruit! Do you get carsickness? No. What color is the rim of your full-length mirror? Black. What is your state’s bird (if you live in the US)? Cardinal. Which style of wedding dress is your favorite? I'm a sucker for ballgown dresses. Do you enjoy editing videos? I used to love it, for many many years. Now, I just don't have the dedication or motivation to. Do you enjoy editing photos? Yes. If you gave birth, do you think you would want it filmed? Um, absolutely not. I would have NO desire to look back on me shrieking my lungs out and essentially dying. I handle abdominal pain very poorly, so I've got a goooood feeling that if I actually wanted to have kids, I'd be that woman screeching like a banshee.

[thegeminisage]

TODAY’S ZELDABLOGGING, which has ENDGAME SPOILERS (yes i beat it):

all right i got about ~3 hours to get my shield and beat zelda lets fucking do this

the temple of time music is breaking my heart

this is one place where i'm mostly ok with them not using a classic tune for it tbh

like this music has so much grief and tranquility

i used to think the plateau was SO huge and really it's almost miniscule

i know it's a bit of a waste of time but i'm making the final trek on foot, no fast travel, temple of time to the castle

So Many Guardians

i can fight them now but only if theyre in the right place too close or far away and i cant do it

on a side note: yesterday (?) i found a beautiful pink spring i took many pictures of

today i saw that glowing spot on the map and realized i'd never figured out what it was!

dropped a pin bc i was curious, and it's the pink spring

temptation to warp over, check it out, and warp back: astronomical

but i'm on both a mission and a time limit, so it'll have to wait

ok. ok. im Here. its Time. lets go. shield first. that is My Shield, and the stalnox Cannot have it

there's a door i can't figure out how to open :/

ah, i see the stalnox

but i want that door!

google isn't helping me so i guess i have to leave it??

ok, all abilities fully charged, 3 fairies, plenty of food. i can do this. i almost killed one by accident once. that is MY SHIELD.

oh my god its got SWORDS stuck all in it jesus FUCK

my first shot did a lot of damage! but im wearing the atk+ armor which i can't keep on, it's a glass cannon

oh my god that was so EASY?

i kicked its ASS LMAO

YESSSS THERES MY SHIELD OH YES

holy shit when my swoprd strikes something in here it sounds like cannon fire! steady glowing too

i don't think there's one right way to go here so i'm gonna try to explore as much as i can

i've been spoiled by the fact that zelda has a diary laying out somehwere so i wanna find it for myself

ohhh the remains of the red carpet in here

i'm actually next to the tower i climed before, apparently i was just shy of exploring all there was to see up there...i'll see if i can have another look

lol i decide that and it IMMEDIATELY begins with the lightning storm

i found it!!! oh god was this her bedroom ;_;

AAAH SHE TALKS ABOUT LINK

he's quiet and persostent and can't resist a good meal

and it talks about why he never speaks ;_;

I LOVE THIS HE HAS A PERSONALITY!!!!

omg she even talks about her mother ;_;

A WOMAN NOT OF THIS EARTH

the goddess hylia or was it fi?? oh my god.......

WORTH IT!!!

found the guard chambers ;_; this all hurts my heart, so much was just Lost

oh my god no THE BLOOD MOON...

huh. no cutscene here

honestly fighting my way thru moblins in hyrule castle...haha man

ohhhh the library ): i bet zelda loved it here

oh my god they even had docks under the castle!!!

oh NO i found the king's journal

he hated being cruel to her and was gonna be kind when she got back but instead the last time they really saw each other they were fighting!!!

still doesn't give him an excuse tbh but i can find a SLIVER of sympathy now

okay so........now i've explored all the insides. i go out?? i.......fight ?????

oooohh god im scared again ))):

oh shit oh Shit i found it oh god

im looking up a walkthru to read after the fight starts i dont need any more surprises

ZELDA?

OH MY GOD HE'S DISGUSTING HE'S SPIDER LIKE I AM SHRIEKING WHY IS IT ALWAYS SPIDERS

YEAAHH BOY HALF HEALTH FUCK YOU GANON

I HAVE COURAGE!!!!

ooh he has guardian weapons

ok yes walkthru

GOD LMAO if you dont free the divine beasts you have to fight the minibosses here

oh god this is gonna be tough

haha "guardian weapons will break your shield" NOT MY SHIELD

i mean yes it can break but its Highly durable and replacements can be made if it does

OH GOD HE'S GROSS HE'S BUGLIKE WHY WHY

GANON THE MAN WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER

i mean i know. they had us fight a manlike thing in ss AND tp but. i miss him

oooh down to 25%

YES FUCK THERE HE GOES

eeeew

im ready for phase 2 baby

there's gotta be one right there ALWAYS is

YES here we go

AAAH I GOT THE BOW OF LIGHT

oh no i dont have epona though just a different horse im sad i should have left her out

BUT HE LOOKS JUST LIKE GANON THAT I KNOW

OH MY GOD THE FINAL BOSS MUSIC IS THE TRAILER MUSIC

THE MAIN THEME AT LEAST

WE'RE ON HYRULE FIELD NEVER DID I SUSPECT THIS WOULD BE OUR BATTLEGROUND

I DID IT!!!!

ZELDA

BEAUTIFUL SWEET YOUNG BRAVE ZELDA WITH HER MUDSTAINED DRESS

oh my g o d

"may i ask, do you really remember me"

oh my god...oh my god

ANSWER HER?

AND NOW CREDITS? IM DYING

ohhh the credits showed a bit of everybody and despite myself when they played the trailer song and showed the old man/the plateau i welled up we've come so far

HEY THERE'S SHIGERU MIYAMOTO'S NAME HEYYYYYYYY

awww that was the last song of the trailer

A STINGER

THANK GOD

ohh my god 

IF THE SPIRITS OF THE CHAMPIONS AND THE OLD MAN WATCHING LINK AND ZELDA WEREN'T AN OOT NOD....

OH MY GOD ONE MORE SECOND AND ZELDA COULD HAVE MET EYES WITH HER FATHER

jesus christ, old man disappeared last too, my HEART

theyre gonna restore hyrule!! they're gonna travel together again!!

okay i GOTTA load my file and see what's what

awww it's the one i saved right before the battle i thought there was post-game content...?

it does have a little star next to it tho

ah well

that was.......incredible

and i cried

so there's that

man!!!!! im so, so glad

what a good game

honest crit: no, it wasn't PERFECT

i could have stood more classic tunes to punch me in the feels more often and give us more of that old #aesthetic since they changed SO much about everything else - at times it didn't even quite feel like a zelda game, though the reminders that it WAS were always heartbreaking and wonderful

also maybe this was just my playstyle but i feel like there could have been more than just the four dungeons since they were so short...i know the dungeon-y puzzle stuff was spread all around with koroks and shrines, but is One big dungeon too much to ask? even hyrule castle had 1000 ways you could have gotten through

could have stood a little more acknowledgement of who you were and what you were doing as the divine beasts started waking up? like from npcs and shit, not even for Glory or whatever but just because the story felt reeeeeeally spread out, even with the memories scattered everywhere

and again a little bias here but some of the battles once you began getting Up There were a little TOO fake-difficult...i saw white bokoblins in old old places so i know it has to do with You, not your location, and i could have lived w/o it tbh

would have loved some form of new game + or postgame content, but maybe i'm just sad bc i misunderstood a spoiler or w/e it was that happened

things i loved:

the music

the cinematics, holy shit

the voice acting

when they DID use classic tunes it was to INCREDIBLE effect, same with the castle style, the ruins, even the nostalgic armor

obviously the open world gameplay was delightful and addicting, i literally couldn't get enough

the final boss battle wasn't too hard but VERY climactic and wonderful, just difficult Enough - could have maybe been a BIT harder but then i did start with him at half health!!

the dungeons, while there weren't enough of them, were EXTREMELY cool, i felt DWARFED by those beasts, after i saw the first one i never called them jaegers again

actually kind of liked the weapon durability thing bc then i could just pick them up during combat when i was running low and steal them or fight with them, throw them, etc

did not like the BOW durability, all my bows broke VERY quickly, that and running out of arrows always was totally urgh...even with my weapons inventory upgraded i STILL couldn't hold all the cool ones the game threw at me, it needed to be like that for players that favored the bow - more of them that were OP, more arrows, etc

anyway i could go on and on but

i gotta sleep, and

i'm so happy zelda is free

it would have been so cool to have her as a companion in post-game, Somehow

or at least see her reunion with all those who missed her

or see link get his memories back

it ended a bit too soon but it was beautiful and i loved it

goodnight

[hacksnyderpage-blog]

BEN AFFLECK V SNYDERMAN: DAWN OF JAM-IT-ALL-INTO-ONE-MOVIE REVIEW

BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE REVIEW (don't you just love saying it? I hated the film's title since day one) THE CRITICS ARE WRONG! Ben Affleck V Snyderman: Dawn Of Jam-It-All-Into-One-Movie ISN'T worse than Man Of Murder! BvS does deserve its 27% score on Rotten Tomatoes, but Man Of Murder deserves about a 12% on it, if that. The movie's opening weekend box office (even with the massive two day drop once bad word of mouth got out) only proves what we've already known for a longtime: that audiences WANT to see Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman in a movie, they want to see DC characters, no matter how bad the movie is or how badly it depicts the characters. How sad it is that Warner Butchers and the awful filmmakers it hires continually shits on the good faith and enthusiasm and interest of the audience instead of rewarding it with a great film that does all of the characters justice for once. I understand how critics are confused though: Man Of Murder, for all its faults, its shakey-cam, poor editing, lack of character and story development, weak attempt at shuffled storytelling, tonal inconsistency and just plain old inconsistency, is still a more focused film than BvS in that at the end of the day it's just supposed to be telling Snyderman's origin story. Dawn Of Jam-It-All-Into-One-Movie, on the other hand, tried to do a Justice League origin, Dark Knight Returns, Death Of Superman, Injustice, and Knightmare all in one film, while still trying to set up and tease upcoming films, even at the expense of itself. Ben Affleck V Snyderman is really simultaneously both a better yet worse film than Man Of Murder though. Better in the sense that there were more moments that I liked in it than MOS, but worse because it's actually less "focused". There were 3 main improvements in BvS over Man Of Murder: 1.) No whorish product placement 2.) Less shakey-cam/the camera is actually held still for more than 3 seconds at a time 3.) They can't ruin Superman's origin again since they did that in the last movie...all that was left for them to do was ruin the Clark Kent aspect and kill him, which they did (more on that later) The film is so ludicrously self serious and pretentious that I found myself laughing at moments that were not supposed to be funny. They say there's no humor in the snyderverse, but I disagree, this movie was full of funny moments: - The Wayne murder and young metersoxual mop-top haircut dime-a-dozen child actor Bruce Wayne falling slow-mo down a hole and floating on bats was a riot - The "fuckit" credits sequence where credits are casually dropped on screen as scenes from the movie play, I thought they stopped doing that shit in superhero movies a while ago...that was a clear indicator that the film would be a pile of shit right there - That wheelchair Jesse Zuckerberg tried out for Scoot McNairy whirring every time it moved made me laugh my ass off -- almost reminded me of that one Mad TV skit, "The Brightlings", where Seth Green plays an old man in a motor-powered wheelchair who rides it into people (Almost as funny as BvS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljPO6H1c7tw ). I literally blurted out "Lieutenant Dan" in the theater when Scoot McNairy's character was bailed out of prison and went to see Lex, and everyone fucking laughed. - The blairing shitty egyptian techno music that played every time Gall Gagot showed up was distractingly comical - Jason Momoa's douchey Battlefield Earth character holding his breath underwater was a knee slapper - Batman hitting Superman with a sink was fucking hilarious -- they jammed everything into this film including the kitchen sink, maybe Snyder was just trying to homage Frank Miller's timeless classic & critical darling film version of The Spirit in which Gabriel Macht hits Samuel L Jackson with a sink in front of a green screen...Snyder loves to borrow from Frank Miller, you know. - "Martha" being the safe word had me grabbing my sides in laughter and unbelief. And they said there's no jokes in the snyderverse.... .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... TLDR review of the film: - It sucks- Jesse Zuckerberg was a predictably terrible choice for Lex Luthor, who is also written horrendously - Gall Gagot is a terrible actress and a terrible Wonder Woman choice- Superman is shit on- It's more of a Batman movie than a Superman movie...which is to say it's a Batman movie - Snyder's Doomsday is still more accurate than Snyder's Wonder Woman, Flash, Aquaman, and Lex Luthor- Affleck was fine - The last 40 minutes of the film are the only time I ever gave a shit - Lex vs Superman on the roof, Batman vs Superman, and Doomsday vs everyone are the only interesting parts and where I was semi entertained and gave a damn- Jeremy Irons' Alfred is the best thing in the movie ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... LONG DETAILED, IN DEPTH REVIEW: I will address the rest of the film in sections, starting with my thoughts on how it handled the characters below: .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... SUPERMAN: Snyder shits the bed with Superman again, and even Cavill is awful this time. Cavill's "Superman" has 3 expressions: sad, sad, and more sad. But Cavill is of course the last problem with Snyder's "Superman", the biggest problems have always been Snyder and the writing. The movie is custom made to make trailers out of. We're robbed of so many potentially great Superman moments in this film, moments that we thought were just teases in the trailers for maybe big action scenes....turns out they were just teases in the movie too. There are several moments in the film where you think a great Superman moment is coming, but they never happen: - There's a scene where Lois Lane is held hostage by terrorists (right after she remarks that she's "not a woman, she's a reporter", BARF), where you think Supes is going to swoop in and fight the bad guys...I'm there waiting, thinking, hoping it's going to be awesome and that we'll finally get to see Superman do something Superman-like and that it will feel like a Superman movie, but nope. He just kills the terrorist holding Lois hostage (after a guy that's supposed to be Jimmy Olsen is shot in the head) in the dumbest way possible and the scene is over. I'd have thought a heat vision blast to the guy would have been smart...but since Snyder is not smart, he instead has Superman jump at him. Dumb (also, looks like that "killing to learn not to kill" rule only beget....more killing, eh, snyderbots? Hahaha). - Do we get to see Superman saving people from a burning building and putting the fires out? Nope, instead we see him bringing one person out of this huge fire behind him and standing there to be touched like the messiah. - Superman dragging a boat on a chain, oh boy, so we get to see him go into the water and dig it up? Nope....just mopey Supes walking along the ice with what a burden it is to help people and be a superhero weighing upon him. He's good but "everyone"/talking heads hate him...like Spider-Man. He's good but people fear him...like the X-Men. He even gets a flashback pep talk scene with Kevin Costner on a mountain top (perhaps where the tornado dropped him, LOL), who gives Snyderman a "Silence of the Horses" speech (I LOL'd when Clark, like Clarice, asked if the horse nightmare ever stopped). This is Costner's version of Alfred's "Burn the forrest down" speech in The Dark Knight. They make Snyderman pretty much like everything but Superman, really. - Do we get to see Supes save those people on the roof from the flood we saw in the trailer? Nope....just him hovering there like the messiah again in exactly what the trailer showed. - How about a shirt rip scene, we at least get that, right? Nope! Snyder sets one up when Clark sees the Day Of The Dead fire on TV....and then cuts it off. - A bomb goes off in Congress, with a huge fire on TV, and does Snyderman put the fire out, and try to get the remaining people outside to safety? Nope.....he just stands there and looks at the ground. There is virtually zero reveling and enjoying the Superman character in the film on behalf of the filmmakers, whereas we get scene after scene of Batman beating up thugs and showing off his array of popularity that are made with excitement, Superman gets no such thing. There's no awe or sense of wonder or fun the way Snyder handles these scenes with Superman. They're treated as background for bits of boring, uninteresting, pretentious, lofty dialogue pseudo-philosophizing about "does the world need superheroes?" and "what is a man?" and all that bullshit you don't go to a Superman movie for. These should have been exciting action pieces where we see Superman being heroic finally... instead they feel like Snyder dutifully tacked them into the film because he suddenly remembered Superman was in the movie and he had to do some shit with him too. Snyder doesn't like or understand Superman though. It's blatant and thrown in your face in the dialogue in the movie too, everything from "It's not 1938 so you can't be principled and stand for something anymore" to "Superman was never real", and finally -- and most egregiously, from the mouth of Snyderman himself, hands down the line I hated the most in the film, the scene that made me almost get up in anger -- the part where Snyderman says to Amy Adams: "No one stays good in this world"..... and mopily, sadly flies away to fight Ben Affleck. That line, the delivery, and everything in it is the literal antithesis of Superman in every sense imaginable, and I think probably more than anything sums up best why Snyder doesn't get it. Snyder figuratively killed Superman in Man Of Murder, he literally killed him in BvS in addition to ripping the character apart with every other line of dialogue, references to the shitty Injustice videogame storyline where Superman is a codependent simp who turns evil because Lois Lane is killed (complete opposite of what he did when she died in Kingdom Come), Snyder killed Professor Hamilton, he killed Mercy Graves (who is also terribly miscast as Tao Okamoto -- an anorexic asian chick with hipster glasses -- Snyder does not give a FUCK about the Superman universe), and he killed Jimmy Olsen after replacing him with "Jenny" on the Daily Planet roster in Man Of Murder....and there are still people who think Snyder likes Superman, lol? Wake the fuck up! Snyder can't even be consistent with his own bullshit take on the character: "Superman was never real, it was just the dream of a farmer from Kansas", wrong, Zack, in your version, "Superman" is all holy-space-ghost-papa Jor El's idea, and him telling Clark he is space Jesus and the bridge between worlds is why Clark becomes Superman in your version; it was because he was told to, not because it was a dream of Clark's own, or did you forget that? It's okay though, I don't blame you for not wanting to rewatch Man Of Murder before you made this film, I would not either.

Snyder's Clark is also awful and comes off jealous of Batman. "Batman is sticking his nose in people's shit where it doesn't belong!!" is the summary of why Clark dislikes Batman, meanwhile Snyderman does the same stuff. The bathtub scene with Amy Adams was stupid, chemistry-less, and a cheap way of saying "hey, these two are in a relationship" without ever actually having to develop it. A kiss on top of some dead bodies because it's the last 20 minutes of Man Of Murder and it hadn't happened yet, and suddenly they're moving in together in BvS. And I still say fuck you, Snyder, for removing the red trunks. Guess it's easier to rape the characters without their "underwear" on like I pointed out, eh, Zack?

Also, Martha Kent is a waitress now. I really hated that, just like when they had her working at Sears in Man Of Murder. Guess it's not "hip" and "rebooted" enough if she's a farmer. A "post modern" take on Superman sucks all of the "super" out of the character.

The few decent Superman moments are very small in this movie: Batman punching Superman in the face as the kryptonite gas started wearing off and Batman's reaction as his punches lost their effect was the only really good Superman moment in it. I liked Supes flying Doomsday into space, and I liked the scene where Supes walked into Congress and walked up to Holly Hunter in the hearing...that was cool and felt semi-Superman-ish. I also liked that they referenced Clark's middle name of "Joseph" in the film, but Lex should never have known who he was, especially not without a story explanation, but more on that later....

There's one other moment in the film that seems "Supermanish", and it's at the end, very briefly (if you blink, you'll miss it), where Superman, Batman, and Waifer Woman are standing together, where Supes starts talking about Doomsday with Batman and the two start talking about how they can stop him...I thought to myself "this is nice, this seems like the fucking Justice League, feels like World's Finest.."...it was immediately more interesting than anything else in the film where the two were at odds, it felt right and natural, seeing them work together, and then....poof. It was gone. Lost in a CGI explosion of poorly rendered characters, fire, plotholes, and shitty egyptian techno music. .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... BATMAN: Snyder and Warner Butchers clearly like Batman the best and it shows. There's no question that Batman is handled the best of all the heroes in this film. Snyder gets half of the character right.... and then fucks up the other half. Some people didn't like Batman branding people, I was fine with it. Though I'm sure Snyder didn't intend it to be this way, I thought it was a nice callback to Batman's Zorro roots. Zorro would carve a letter "Z" into his victims with a sword...not that different a concept if you think about it. I liked that Bruce Wayne did his own detective shit here, I liked the entrance to the batcave being through a river that opened, and I especially liked the black and gray costume. It also needs the trunks, but there's a moment in the film where Batman gets out of the batmobile and walks up to the batcave computer and the way he looked and moved made me lean over to my friend and say "That looks like fucking Batman!", so I was thrilled to see the most visually accurate Batman in live action since the '89 film. Suit was a little bulky for my tastes and the ears were a bit small, but I understood the look they were going for and can appreciate it.

Now onto the bad stuff: there's a scene where Bruce Wayne goes undercover at some fight club and he's dressed just like Bruce Wayne, it made me laugh because surely, Bruce would have been in a disguise of some sort. Here it was just Affleck in his default Wayne look. Matches Malone would've been cool, but they'd have had to explain that character I suppose (since it's just Wayne with a mustache, which would have been comical without the background on that character), but they jam enough other references into the film and don't bother to explain them, so I'm not sure why they didn't bother with Matches too, but whatever. Where they fuck up with Batman is they make him a hypocritical idiot. He supposedly doesn't like Snyderman because he causes collateral damage, but that's half of what Affeck's Batman does. While I prefer a Batman that doesn't kill because there's a lot more mileage and drama they get out of the character that way when he has stronger morals, I'm fine with a Batman who kills the bad guys, but if that's the case, the Joker should be dead, and so should all of his rogues gallery, really. Going to kill Superman because there's a 1% chance he might be a bad guy and letting known, repetitive, unremorseful killers live is stupid. I don't have a problem with a Batman that kills, '30s Batman killed, Burton's Batman killed, yeah, yeah, I know that, snyderbots, but they only killed BAD GUYS. They didn't leave a metric fuck ton of deadly collateral damage nonchalantly in their wake, which is the problem I have with Batfleck, particularly given his criticism of Snyderman. This Batman just doesn't give a fuck if there's innocent bystanders and they get hurt.... he destroys a boat and a wall that don't need to be destroyed. Snyder didn't want to have his Batman shoot a guy in the head to save Martha.... I don't know why, but instead he wanted him to blow up the guy's flamethrower, causing a massive explosion that would have killed Martha, as he "rescues" her from it... whereas a bullet would have been one clean kill.

I don't really care for Batman with the voice augmentor, either.... I like that they at least showed how it worked though with Alfred testing it. But yeah, Snyder gets certain aspects of Batman right, then shits on them to tell the story he wants to tell. Batman is a detective early on.... but suddenly he can't figure out that Superman is good, something even Alfred knows. He's mad at collateral damage Supes caused in Metropolis, but he causes collateral damage all around Gotham. He makes a kryptonite spear and gas, but....no monkey knuckles, or, ya know, a bullet. Snyder's Batman is basically a moron. But Affleck played the moronic Bats well. Josh Brolin would have been a better old Batman and Bruce Wayne, but they should never have done Bruce as an older man to begin with, he should have been the same age as Supes, you know, like in the comics and Dark Knight Returns, but more on that later. I liked this batmobile better than the tumbler at least.

The fight with Superman being resolved by "Martha" was idiotic. Batman spends months, weeks training and hating Superman, with an in-depth list of reasons why....and suddenly all of that is resolved, all of his suspicions and fears of Superman just float away because their moms have the same name. Sure, the way to Bruce's heart would probably be through his parents, but this was just bullshit inconsistency for even this shitty take on Batman. Affleck gave a fine performance....although I never buy him completely as Bruce Wayne. I still see Ben Affleck. Yes, he's acting and making an effort....but there are scenes where it really feels like you're watching a guy act and not an immersed character in a movie, if that makes sense. Still, he's a better actor than Cavill...which doesn't set the bar very high performance-wise for this film. .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... LEX LUTHOR:

Jesse Zuckerberg is a decent actor and gives a good performance in this movie....but not as Lex Luthor. Lex in this movie is the worst live action version of the character ever. Jars of piss and feeding people Jolly Ranchers aren't who Lex Luthor is. This Lex leaves notes for people -- that they don't even get -- signed as someone else to start trouble, he gives jars of piss to people, shoves candy in people's mouths, he has ticks... he's basically like a high school prankster. I fully expect the extended cut of the film to include a scene of him leaving a flaming bag of shit at Wayne Manor and ringing the doorbell before running away, blaming Superman. 

Maybe this is what Eisenberg was going for, but his "Lex" was honestly hard to watch in many scenes. Reminded me of Jim Carey's Riddler, maybe Dr Sivana, but he also reminded me of Hector Hammond in the Ryan Reynolds Green Lantern film (which was also hard to watch -- both the film and the Hector Hammond character I mean). I'm not sure what he was going for here....he was almost more like the Joker than Lex in some scenes. They even have him talk about his abusive father as he monologues to Superman like Joker in The Dark Knight, and make remarks at Lois too ("Ooh, you're feisty!" = "Little fight in ya, I like that!"), before throwing her off a building...just like Ledger's Joker threw Maggie Gylenhaal out of a building in The TDK. I know Lex has had abusive parents before in the comics.... but they should have revealed this info in a different way from how it was done with The Joker in TDK. 

This Lex was so fay and effete, when the guy he feeds the candy to comes up to him and says "maybe we can help each other", I half thought Lex was going to give him a blowjob when he told him to step into his office. His plan of getting Batman to fight Superman and then Doomsday to destroy everything if it didn't work made no sense. Neither did how he deduced the secret identities of Batman and Superman -- there's zero explanation for it.

As predicted, Jesse Zuckerberg as Lex Luthor is the third worst casting in a superhero film of all time, right after Gall Gagot as Wonder Woman (2), and Ezra Miller as The Flash (1). There is no "Heath Ledger" or "Michael Keaton" "surprise" here, as anyone with a brain could have deduced (and did, like yours truly) the moment he was cast. This Lex also has terrible motivation for hating Superman, if you can even call it motivation at all....he basically hates him because he has powers and only people with knowledge should have powers, or something? Lots of esoteric mumbo jumbo about "gods" and "man" do not a great character make. He actually seemed even less like Lex Luthor to me once his head was shaved: then he just came across as Michael Cera with a shaved head, like some little wimpy kid, mumbling about shit in jail, evoking nothing but pity. "Ding ding ding ding ding" thank God they brought Terrio on board, eh, snyderbots? LOL! What a joke. Jesse Zuckerberg -- as I've said since day one -- would have been a better Riddler, Toyman, or even Dr Sivana or Jimmy Olsen, he was never going to be a good Lex Luthor, he had zero chance. Decent actor, but terribly miscast. A dog cannot play a cat and vice versa. Get it, snyderbots. ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. LOIS LANE: Her character sucked in this movie. I've never liked Amy Adams as Lois Lane, she doesn't look like her, and Lois should be closer in age to Clark. Lois should not be a few or several years older than Clark. But then again, everyone's been around before Clark in the snyderverse: Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, etc....so fuck it, Lois may as well be too. Her faux feminist dialogue about how she's "not a woman, but a reporter" were total fucking cringe too. Amy Adams' Lois is the most unlikable Lois ever to appear live action, in my opinion. She's not funny, she's not witty, she's not vulnerable, she's not all that pretty, she's not nosey, she's not playfully competitive... she just sucks. The scene where Supes catches Lois from her perspective was the only good scene with her. Having her save Superman again and again was awful, and so was having her show up wherever the plot needed her to be....like tossing the kryptonite spear, then retrieving it later not knowing it was needed. More on that sloppiness later... .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... PERRY "WHITE": Laurence Fishburne is actually great in this movie. One of the few good actors and good performances in this film. I liked him....not as Perry White, he's totally miscast, Perry's not black, sorry not sorry...everything must be darker in Snyder's world, including Perry White I guess...but I liked Fishburne as an actor in this film being a good actor giving a good performance. It's refreshing to see, especially when the movie's this bad. It helped to get through certain scenes. .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... ALFRED: Jeremy Irons' Alfred is the best thing in the film, and a better Alfred than Michael Caine, in my opinion. He's funny, he's not preachy, he doesn't always have a speech prepared or fortune cookie advice, he's just the butler doing butler-y and helpful things (even though they *said* he's a "bodyguard", not a "butler" in the snyderverse...thankfully not much of that came through), and I liked that. He even gets a few lines in the film directly from the comics, which only makes him feel more Alfred-y. Only complaint -- which is not even Irons' fault -- is that there's not more of an age distance between he and Affleck. .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... WONDER WOMAN: Gall Gagot was every bit as awful as I thought she'd be. Looks like Jeff Goldblum in the face, has a pool cue body, and terrible English speaking and acting skills. Her brown costume also sucked and so did that shitty blairing Egyptian techno music that played whenever she showed up. Her little smile while fighting Doomsday -- supposedly for her life, a force that's so powerful it kills Superman -- was out of place and stupid, a dumb tryhard attempt to remphasize that she's a "warrior" and "strong woman who can take on da boys!" bullshit. Her feminazi dialogue about how bad men are was also heavy handed and fucking sucked. Gall's the second worst casting of all time and she shouldn't have been in the film, neither should her character have been in the film for that matter. Cybore and Aquamariner shouldn't have been in the film, either.  Gall Gagot is a terrible actress and can't even speak fluent english. Stupid people and snyderbots who don't know anything about Wonder Woman will think this is great "cuz she not from merikah dah!!!". But what they don't get is that Wonder Woman is a PHYSICALLY PERFECT MAGICAL character and can speak any language of her choice fluently and perfectly, and therefore she would speak English perfectly and without an accent. Secondly, if she WERE to have an accent, it'd be a GREEK one, not an Israeli one, so the moronic snyderbots are even wrong by their own logic. Because it's not really about "realism" or whatever other bullshit they say, it's about changing the characters into the actors to accommodate the shitty casting. They've done it with Lex Luthor and Jesse Zuckerberg quite obviously, likewise with Jason Momariner and the tattoos and Aquaman, but for some reason snyderbots can't see that so clearly with Gall Gagot Wafer Woman....perhaps that's because they have no idea what Wonder Woman is supposed to be like. Fan-fake shits. Also, lack of boobs, ass, hips, and curves is a completely perfect and valid criticism of the person who is supposed to be playing WONDER WOMAN. A sex symbol, a supposed physically perfect woman. Why is it we can have a physically accurate Batman and Superman, but suddenly it's wrong and hateful to hold the person playing Wonder Woman to the same standard? Snyderbots are morons. If the roles were reversed they'd have someone like DJ Qualls as Superman. 

Gall Gagot shouldn't be playing Wonder Woman because she doesn't look or talk like her, and cannot. Wonder Woman is physically perfect, has blue eyes, boobs, hips, ass, is athletic, etc. Gall Gagot is a pool cue. Gall Gagot looks like Jeff Goldblum in the face. Gall Gagot has the English speaking and acting skills of a paper bag. Wonder Woman can speak any language of her choosing fluently and perfectly because she is magical, therefore she would not have an Israeli accent. If she had an accent at all, she would have a Greek one since she is based in Greek mythology, not an Israeli one. The Wonder Woman costume is iconic. The stars on the suit look great. America did not invent stars, nor does it have ownership of them, or the colors blue, red, white, and yellow. It's entirely possible a magical ancient civilization like Wonder Woman's may have had these colors and stars long before america did, therefore there is no reason to get rid of the stars on her uniform because she's not from America. She could also still be an ambassador to the country and deliberately choose her outfit for those reasons....removing the stars on Wonder Woman's suit removes an element of her iconography because america hating pussified cuckolds are in control of the characters. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with what does and does not make sense for the characters, because having stars made as much sense as anything else about the character. Ask yourselves two questions, snyderbots:

- Do you like the characters? - Do you think there's anything wrong with them? If you answered "yes" to either of those questions, then why do you support such shitty representations of them on screen? .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... THE FLASH: Ezra Miller looked just like Gall Gagot in the film, and he also looked just like Ezra Fairy Allen Miller: long dark hair, asian androgynous looking face, facial hair, and looked nothing like any version of The Flash. Also sounded like a Bizarro James Franco when he spoke. Him saving Zack Snyder the cameo convenience store clerk (who's he think he is, Stan Lee?) from a robbery in the crappy email footage was fitting in that the two worst things about the snyderverse should of course share a scene together. .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... DOOMSDAY: Doomsday's look was disappointing, but still looked more like Doomsday than Snyder's Aquaman looked like Aquaman, Flash looked like Flash, Wonder Woman looked like Wonder Woman, and Lex looked like Lex, so I can't fault him much visually. However, breathing fire and sending off nuclear pulses was fucking lame. Just keep him a big monster that fucks shit up. His origin in the film was pretty dumb though: Snyder has Lex cut himself over Zod's dead body in some alien fluid and wammo, this makes Doomsday. It comes off as more "voodoo" than science, but whatever. Thought it would have been cool to show Lex creating Doomsday in a lab somewhere, gradually over time, this just seemed like there wasn't much though put into it, but whatever. People will say "They're aliens, so who knows how their tech works?"...I'll say that's true, but this just seemed lazy and stupid. I was fine with Doomsday being the big bad since I consider him a throwaway character with no personality and he's basically just a thing to punch, so it didn't bum me out that we didn't see him on Krypton and all that, I would have been fine if they handled him as a Cadmus creation like in the Bruce Timm Justice League cartoons, but the way they brought him about in the film was just stupid. .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... THE STORY: It's dumb. ALL FLASHBACKS AND DREAM SEQUENCES SHOULD HAVE BEEN CUT FROM THE MOVIE. The entire flashback sequence with young meterosexual haircut Bruce Wayne falling down a hole and witnessing his parents' murder in slow-mo should have been cut out of the beginning of the film entirely, if it were in the film at all it should have been a flashback when Bruce is brooding in the cave later on in the film. They should never have opened with it, and then went to another flashback on top of it. All of the dream sequences for Batman that teased Darkseid, where Snyderman Temple Of Doom heart-grabs Batman (since Supes can only become evil in the snyderverse) should have been left out of the film. They should have just tried to focus on Batman and Superman and doing a strong character piece instead of setting up yet another movie when they can't even set this film up right. Superman just became Superman and they kill him in his second movie. They also kill Clark Kent -- why? Just more effort and ludicrousness if they choose to bring Clark back too -- it was utterly pointless to kill him, but then again, Snyder hates the Clark Kent element of the character so maybe Clark won't return at all. Also, if Superman can come back and he was stabbed in the heart, why couldn't Zod? He only had his neck snapped.

Why not give Wonder Woman the kryptonite spear (she's good with ancient weapons, right, after all, she's even got a friggin' sword and shield!) and have Superman push Doomsday onto it? If they'd have talked to Batman, perhaps they could have come up with a pla-- oh wait, this Batman is an idiot in this version, nevermind. 

Batman hides under a piece of building to avoid Doomsday's nuclear blast, meanwhile buildings all around him are destroyed by it. The flashback scene at the beginning of the film would have been enough motivation to show why Batman is concerned about Snyderman, the film should have opened with that and left it that way instead of doing the origin yet again and pointless dream sequences to show why Batman hates him.

Amidst the 9/11 imagery (again), the Metropolis flashback from the perspective of the people was cool, particularly when we see Superman get knocked into a building from their point of view, but the world's being destroyed by a giant dubstep weapon literally right outside a building window, and Bruce Wayne has to call the guy who works there to tell him to evacuate the building before anyone has the good sense to get out. This was moronic. (Also, even with its retcon of the Man Of Murder ending, BvS only re-emphasized what was already obvious from Man Of Murder: METROPOLIS WAS NOT EVACUATED AND THERE WERE MANY PEOPLE THERE WHEN SNYDERMAN FOUGHT ZOD, just for the snyderbots keeping score ;) )

Snyderman is blamed for killing terorists....who were obviously killed with machine guns. Do they really think he'd grab a machine gun and just shoot them when he can snap their necks and push them through walls? Maybe they just think Snyderman is that hardcore...I don't know, but the logic and reasoning behind this was stupid. 

Also, CONGRESS is destroyed. A fucking bomb goes off, and that's the last we hear of it. It's never brought up again in the film.

You can't copy and paste parts of Dark Knight Returns into this story because there's nothing else from it to go along with it: you can't do a DKR style Batman that's an old man with a history but a young rookie Superman with no history, and the two just met so they have no history with each other, and therefore no DKR conflict, as their history, the fact that they'd both lived as long as each other and lived through the same events and dealt with them differently, is the driving force behind their conflict in DKR.... BvS has none of that. But Snyder doesn't give a shit, he just copies and pastes all of the Dark Knight Returns Batman shit that he liked into the movie and hoped the rest would contort around it, continuity he established in MOS where Supes was supposedly the first ever DC hero be damned. Now we got Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, and pretty much everyone else older and around longer than Supes. The Flash, Aquaman, and Cyborg should never been in the film, and their cameo placement is handled in the most lazy, shoehorned, uncreative manner, at the most inappropriate time in the film. We get what is essentially little teaser trailers for each of the characters that had everything but a release date sticker attached to it, right as we're about to finally see Batman and Superman fight, the thing the entire movie was supposedly built around, that everyone bought a ticket for, they have a 6 minute interruption of Gall Gagot opening emails right as the fight is about to happen. Also, imagine if you're a kid watching these email videos and don't know who the characters are (why would you? They're unrecognizable). They're all scary and unlikable: Zack Snyer being rescued by a man that looks like a woman with a ponytail and beard in a convenience store robbery, a klingon with glowing white eyes in the water, a black guy's head and chest strapped to a board screaming at the camera....if you were a kid, you were probably like "WTF is this?". It's uncomfortable and there's no excitement to it...it's just scary looking people screaming at shit.

The film is full of bad pacing, bad editing, and inconsistency, it's just a series of scenes happening again with no flow or harmony to them. What little energy the fight between Batman and Superman had leading up to it is dissolved by the inappropriate placement of the email scene, which takes you out of the movie. Even when Superman lands to fight Batman, his attitude and mannerisms seem absolutely different from the last moment we saw him. The tone is off...and it feels phony. Cavill's acting in the scene is terrible "Stop...ugh...You don't understand!"...sounded like a sound bite from a videogame. .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... EASTER EGGS/VISUAL REFERENCES: Dark Knight Returns, Batman punching through a wall saying "I believe you", Batman standing on something high with a rifle, Batman jumping with his arm stretched in the air, Knightmare Batnan, The Man-Bat in the Wayne's tomb during another dream sequence (with VENOM leaking out of it, LOL), Superman looking zombie like after a nuke, Superman floating in space and opening his eyes to reveal heat vision like in Injustice, Superman falling a certain way to look like his Death Of Superman comic pose after Doomsday kills him, the silver "S" shield on the black coffin, Flash showing up to warn Batman about something like in Crisis On Infinite Earths, it was cool to see a Parademon (they looked good), I got all of the visual references to the comics, and I appreciated them and thought they were cool. They helped me -- a comics fan -- get through an otherwise unbearable film. Unfortunately they mean nothing to the general audience and non comic book people who just came in the hopes of a good movie, they also do nothing for the story. I think it's great that Zack Snyder vaguely seemingly understands the picture parts of the comic books, but he doesn't understand any of the characters, motivations, or stories, and therein lies the problem, since it makes everything else meaningless. .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... THE SCORE: It's terrible. Un-hummable, unmemorable....it will not stand the test of time like anything John Williams, Danny Elfman, or Shirley Walker have done. It's quite generic, just boring, droll background music, and at the same time bombastic and loud. Hans Zimmer retiring from doing superhero films is one of the best things to come out of this movie. He can take Junkie XL with him for that matter. .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... And that about sums up most of my thoughts on the film. It's a long read, jumbled and chaotic (not unlike the film), so I apologize, and I'm sure I probably left some stuff out which I'll kick myself later for, but what do you think? What were your thoughts on the film?