#restrictive behavior
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it can feel really embarrassing and uncomfortable when i’m worked up about something that would be insignificant to most other people.
especially when that something is deeply connected to the way i navigate life.
restrictive behaviors and thought patterns can make me come off as particular, intense and unreasonably adamant. but maybe i am
#restrictive behavior#repetitive restrictive behaviors#autism#vocal stimming#autistic#black trans autistic#black autistic
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Autism & Anger Rumination







Autistic Qualia
#autism#actually autistic#autism awareness month#autism acceptence month#autism and anger#anger rumination#deppresion#social anxiety#emotional dysregulation#disruptive behaviors#RRBs in autistic individuals#restrictive and restrictive and repetitive behaviors#neurodivergence#neurodiversity#actually neurodivergent#feel free to share/reblog#Autistic Qualia (Facebook)
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I am so tired of people using the existence of disability as an excuse for bad behavior. It kind of smacks of ableism when someone acts rude and unrepentant about being rude everyone goes "but what if theyre neurodivergent???" It makes it obvious that in their mind, neurodivergent=rude.
#this is mainly about how anytime acts like youve served them dogshit on a plate everyone screams arfid#as though it excuses their behavior when being unintentionally served food they can't eat#nothing wrong with a restricted palate but there's a lot wrong with being a dick to your host
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Long post about Repetitive Restrictive Behaviors, OCD, and Stress
I���ve been struggling a lot with Repetitive and Restrictive Behaviors
More specifically tactile stims and tics. Some of these things i can recognize as more voluntary tactile stims that ive done for a long time. But i often get locked into a restrictive and stressful loop of doing these stimulatory actions.
This has brought to mind some questions about the overlap and differences between Autism and OCD, with comorbity in mind.
since a kid i’ve had a few long with standing tactile stims/tics:
Hard, repetitive, excessive blinking.
Snorting
Excessive toe curling and interlocking of toes
Hard, repetitive, excessive scrunching and stretching of nose and philtrum
Clenching teeth
Picking and peeling skin
Uncontrollable nail biting
Rolling eyes back with eyes closed
Pattern walking by way of trying to step on cracks with consistent foot coverage and pressure
Some of these are a lot more visible than others but the visible ones gave me enough trouble in the past that i involuntarily developed more covert habits that stimulate the same area
which brings me to a tic that has been plaguing me for over a year now:
Excessively and roughly pressing my tongue against my soft palate
This is something that started as a self regulatory behavior triggered by emotional and environmental stimuli. Now i get into these loops where i can’t stop doing it and it stresses me out and hurts lol.
The same is true for the list of tactile stims above. I think i start doing them to self soothe then once i make the specific sort of contact i get fixated on how the pressure, contact, or motion should feel and then can’t stop repeating it.
This makes me wonder about the possibility of certain things manifesting as autism symptoms, ocd symptoms, or both.
To give some more context, I’m not diagnosed or self diagnosed as OCD. I am diagnosed ASD and ADHD. However, at the start of my mental health treatment journey the psychiatrist i was seeing identified and notated disruptive OCD symptoms that they expected my previously prescribed Prozac to help with. It did help but it also made me manic so they banned me from Prozac. (long story for another time or another blog lol)
In more recent psychiatric visits my intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors were outlined noted and proclaimed to possibly be elevated by my newly prescribed Abilify which i haven’t taken yet as i struggle with change and especially change in self care routine.
All that is to say that there does seem to be some overlap between ASD and OCD in my experience. This was corroborated in conversation with my friend who is diagnosed OCD we related when i mentioned these compulsive behaviors
Accidentally touching something in passing only to have to return and touch it properly with the “correct amount of pressure”
Intrusive thoughts of harm scenarios involving self and others
Intrusive thoughts surrounding health anxiety
drinking things in intervals of eleven
applying a correct numbered increment to actions and avoiding certain numbers
having to flip a switch or hold an object in just the right way
constant redoing of motions until they feel right
Something that initially made me unsure regarding classifying these behaviors as OCD is the fact that there doesn’t seem to be an anxious “what if i dont do this, something bad may happen” feeling triggering these things. That perspective may be naive or ignorant on my part tho which is why i’m diving deeper to learn more.
One thing positive i can say is that writing this post helped me redirect my nervous system while i was suffering due to these repetitive restrictive behaviors right before writing this. i’ve regulated a little
#asd#black autism#autistic things#autistic girl#black trans autistic#ocd#ocd and autism#autism and ocd#autism and adhd#stimming#tactile stim#tics#autism tics#ocd tics#repetitive behavior#restrictive behavior#repetitive restrictive behaviors#comorbid#comorbid ocd#comorbid autism#autism
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Lil bit stuck
#freaky#shibari#rope restriction#rope bottom#men in rope#rope harness#impact kink#natural butt#natural body#suggestive#submisive brat#brat behavior#brat breaking#bruised#bruises#brattysub
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me when im jealous of a fucking fictional character’s ed like a dumbass
#they gave his weight and height bruh i can calculate his bmi#its like#kinda crazy low#like i think 10.9 when he gets hospitalized fr#although he eats more than me and lost less weight than me lol#cuz bro was legit always underweight#uh#he was like 121 initially and then ended at 74#wait nope nvm thats not less than me fuck#uh time to get competitive! yippee (fuck me)#wait nvm im fucking stupid#thats a comparable amt of weight to the amt i lost in a somewhat comparable time frame#like its 3 lbs more than me in around a month less but tbf i spent 6 months in quasi recovery/high restriction so leave me alone#so this is one of those ‘its only an ed if ur sickly underweight’ moments#like#comparing myself to him#weve had eds for comparable time frams (his is on and off for 6 yrs mine for 5 but with the same onset time)#(actually i was younger by a few months lol)#wait nvm i forgot im entering my 6th yr of being mentally ill yippee happy birthday to me ig#lmao#uh similar onset ages similar amount of time with restrictive behaviors similar pattern of on/off restriction similar amount of weight lost#similar lvls of restriction/caloric intake (mines actually like 1/4 of his but that doesnt mean much cuz hes eating like 600 calories a day)#so yeah its a fun ‘eds are only real if ur skinny’ moment lol (hit me with a baseball bat)#hes not fucking real i cant be comparing myself with a fictional guy fuck this#ugh
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#i dont think im a bad person. i dont think i behave in ways that are especially terrible. i dont hate myself. but i do believe i deserve to#suffer. and im not sure how to align those incongruent ideas. its hard to articulate because a lot of my rigidity stems from restrictions#without cause. i don't do things for a specific reason. im not afraid that if dont do specific things it will cause bad things to happen. i#behave in specific ways because thats what i have to do. thats just the way it is. without reason. without cause. like im getting dictates#from some higher power. a lot of my restrictive behaviors manifest in a sort of religious way. not in a religious trauma way. the church i#grew up in was all love thy neighbor and not fire and brimstone. its more that this rigid views is deeply and profoundly rooted in how i#belive i need to behave. i behave imperfectly. i make mistakes. and there has to be a consequence. i have to suffer. and thats just how it#is. like preying for forgiveness or committing self flagellation. i repent through self punishment. and when i try to imagine why i do this#all i can think about is being a little kid. praying before i went to bed. not aloud. the prayers i kept silent. that nobody would get sick#and die. that all the kids in childrens hospitals would get better and that nothing bad would ever happen to anyone. i had a pretty idealic#childhood. it was stable and my parents loved me a lot. i was never really bullied in school. my family was comfortably middle class without#money troubles. and i guess i find that difficult to contend with because i didnt do anything to deserve that. it was just luck. and why#should i have that when other ppl dont? but random things dont happen to you because you did something to warrent them. thats not how the#world works. so maybe im seeking to balance the scale. maybe im trying to pay for my good luck because it makes more sense that way.#sins must be punished and good fortune must be paid for. but only for me. i am an isolated entity controlled by an angry god.#and again. i dont hate myself or thing im a bad person. it only seems fair and correct that i should suffer. thats just how it is.#and how do you classify that? its a rigid worldview that sprauls out into restructions and compulsions. a lens warped from through#existential fear? the rot from which 0cd manifested? a set of restrictions born of aut1sm? i dunno. it doesnt really matter but i try to#classify anyway. maybe it doesnt fit neatly into one box. so it goes.#just stupid bullshit im being forced to deal with now that im basically in triple therapy lol#unrelated
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[Matilda of Boulogne's] thorough integration into the governance of the realm was not repeated in [Eleanor of Aquitaine's] years as queen of England. Eleanor's coronation followed a new model that emphasized the queen as progenitor of royal heirs and subordinate to the king rather than as sharer of royal power. Though Eleanor acted as regent in England between 1156 and 1158 and in Poitou on several occasions from 1165 on, her writs suggest delegated rather than shared royal authority. In England, her power was limited by the lack of lands assigned to her use and by the elaboration of financial and judicial administration. Whereas [Matilda of Boulogne's] inheritance allowed her to play an integral role in politics by securing the Londoners' loyalty and a steady supply of mercenaries, Eleanor's inheritance provided her with more extensive power in Poitou and Aquitaine than in England. Until 1163, Eleanor withdrew funds from the Exchequer by her own writ, but unlike her Anglo-Norman predecessors, she was not a member of its council nor did she issue judgments from the royal court. Eleanor's counsel and diplomatic activities, in contrast to Matilda's, are rarely mentioned. She did, however, encourage the 1159 Toulouse campaign and supported Henry in the Becket affair and the coronation of young Henry. Eleanor was not a prominent curialis; she rarely witnessed Henry's charters or interceded to secure the king's mercy. She did follow in Matilda's footsteps in her promotion of her sons, cultivation of dynastic goals through the Fontevraudian tombs, and patronage that reflected her family's traditions. For Matilda, to be queen encompassed a variety of functions-curialis, diplomat, judge, intercessor, and "regent." Through a combination of factors, Eleanor's role as queen was much more restricted.
— Heather J. Tanner, "Queenship: Office, Custom or Ad Hoc", Eleanor of Aquitaine: Lord and Lady (Edited by Bonnie Wheeler and John Carmi Parsons)
#this is so interesting when it comes to the gradual evolution of queenship over the years (post-Norman to early modern)#eleanor of aquitaine#matilda of boulogne#queenship tag#historicwomendaily#english history#my post#don't reblog these tags but#the irony of the 'Eleanor of Aquitaine Exceptionalism' rhetoric is that not only is it untrue#but you could actually make a much more realistic argument in the opposite direction#We know that it was during Eleanor's time as queen of France that 'the queen's name was disappearing from royal documents' (Ralph Turner)#She did not enjoy an involvement in royal governance that her mother-in-law Adelaide of Maurienne enjoyed during her time as queen#As Facinger points out 'no sources support the historical view of Eleanor as bold precocious and responsible for Louis VII's behavior'#Even as Duchess of Aquitaine she played a secondary role to Louis who appointed his own officials to the Duchy#Only four out of her seventeen ‘Aquitanian’ charters seem to have been initiated by Eleanor herself#And now it seems that even Eleanor's role as queen of England was also more restricted than her predecessors#with new coronation model that was far more gendered and 'domestic' in nature#That's not to argue that it meant a reduction in the queen's importance but it does mean that the 'importance' took on a different form#There's also the fact that Eleanor's imprisonment and forced subjugation to Henry after the rebellion till the end of her life#was probably what set the precedent for her sons' 'Lord Rules All' approach with their own wives (Berengaria and Isabella)#as Gabrielle Storey has suggested#None of this is meant to downplay Eleanor's power or the impact of her actions across Europe - both of which were extensive and spectacular#But it does mean that the myth of her exceptionalism is not just incorrect but flat-out ridiculous
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