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thedemisapphic · 4 months ago

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This is a mini fic- I got an idea and I just want to write it here. I might also put it on AO3 but right now it will live on Tumblr. I’ve never made a post like this before so let me know what you think!

Setting: Between S2 and The Movie.

🟥

It had been an incredibly draining month. Since the Shredder, Raph’s been trying his best to help Leo adjust to being the new leader. Giving him some advice here and there, telling him how a leader would navigate different situations. Leo seemed to appreciate the help at first. He tried to organize the team as best as he could, would take Raph’s advice to heart. Raph could tell he had it in him. He was strategic and smart, had everything he needed to do it. And it made Raph feel like he shed a hundred pounds. A burden he didn’t know he’d been carrying until it was gone. For so long he was the one who had to do everything for everyone. Protect them, lead them, be the voice of reason. He never asked for it. That’s just what happened. But he didn’t have to do any of that anymore. It was actually really nice to step out if those shoes and let Leo take over. He finally got a chance to breathe deep and let anxiety stop festering in his gut.

But then things started to get sour.

Leo started biting back at Raph’s advice. His effort dwindling. The team suffered when he dropped the ball and Raph tried to touch base, see what was happening. But Leo wouldn’t talk about it. Wouldn’t budge. Raph was still there to support him as a big brother, though. And he tried. He really tried. But Leo became agitated. Raph figured he might need some extra help, so he tried to offer more advice, but in a way so Leo should be able to figure it out on his own. Because Raph didn’t want to do it for him. And Leo just got frustrated and angry. Mikey and Donnie were starting to notice at this point, too.

Things changed around the house, too. Leo kept picking fights with him. Eventually, Raph bit back. And their fights got a lot worse. Every little thing they did got on each other’s nerves. That stupid cocky grin Leo puts up when he thinks he’s winning an argument. Raph’s snoring at ungodly hours of the night. Leo not taking things seriously. Raph taking up too much room in the tank. Leo running away from confrontation and making Raph look like the bad guy. Raph’s little notes around the kitchen saying what’s his. Leo’s comic books being left everywhere. Raph’s pep talks. Leo’s voice. Raph’s voice.

They couldn’t stand each other.

Raph didn’t know what he did wrong. He was trying to help. It’s not like he completely hated Leo, but Leo was basically asking for it. Raph knows Leo is capable of being a good leader. He has the potential. And Leo knows how to do it, too. He just isn’t for some reason. And it’s forcing Raph to slip back into those uncomfortable shoes that don’t feel like they fit anymore just to keep things going. Try to step in as leader where he can, the stress and anxiety a lot worse than he remembered it being after stepping away from it. He didn’t know how he was able to handle it for so long but he could take this much longer.

Today wasn’t any different. Raph woke up and found Leo already in the kitchen with Mikey. Leo was sitting at the bar eating something Mikey made while Mikey made himself food. Dread and frustration crowded his skull and Raph tried to ignore it, looking around for something to eat.

“Hey, Raph!” Mikey said. Raph grumbled back, grabbing some orange juice. “… Um, me and Donnie were thinking, maybe today we could have a family day??” He said. Raph heard Leo scoff,

“Donnie wants to have family time?”

“He’s not the one that surprises me,” Raph said, pouring himself a glass. Mikey jumped back in,

“Um, yeah! Well, we just thought it might be nice..! All four of us spending time together..!” Mikey said, voice high and nervous.

“Sure, Raph could use a break,” Raph said. He put the orange juice back in the fridge and sat down on the opposite end of the bar away from Leo.

“From what? I’m the leader now, not you,” Leo said. Raph closed his eyes and drank his juice through clenched teeth.

“Leo, do you want to come?”

“Wouldn’t miss it, Mikester,” Leo said. The room was quiet for a long time after that.

“Coooooool… I’ll let Donnie know-“

“I’ll do it-“ Leo said, getting up and leaving. The second he left the room Raph let out a sigh, shoulders loosening. It was quiet again.

“… You two talk, yet?” Mikey asked. Raph shook his head.

“I don’t know why he’s doin’ this…”

“I’m… sure he has a reason. You want me to make you something to eat?”

“Uh- nah, I’m good…” Raph said. Mikey took his plate and walked around the bar, sitting next to Raph. It was quiet again as he ate.

“… Don thought the arcade might be a good place to start. There’s one in the Hidden City we can go to.”

“That sounds good,” Raph said. Quiet. Mikey tried to start conversation a few more times but Raph just wasn’t feeling it.

“… I’m gonna make you something to eat,” Mikey finally said, getting up. Raph looked at him,

“Mike, you don’t have to do that-“

“I want to! We have a day of family fun ahead of us, let’s start it right,” he said. Raph smiled a little,

“Okay…” he said. Mikey smiled back at him as he got everything going, the quiet less tense than it was before. A bit later, Raph heard the twins bickering a bit as they both started to come closer.

“Chillax, you’re so serious!” Leo laughed. Raph huffed, not even wanting to know what Leo was doing. He kept his eyes shut, trying to ignore him. He felt Leo slap something on his shell but Donnie ripped it off quickly.

“Leo, can I go one morning without you causing trouble? Just one? We’re spending time together later, Raph don’t want a headache,” Raph said.

“Like I’d do anything like that,” Leo said. Raph pressed his palm into his face. We’re all gonna hang out today. Today’s going to be a good day. Raph heard a plate get placed in front of him.

“Thanks, Mikey,” Raph, said. He sat still for another moment, taking a breath before opening his eyes and looking at the eggs and toast before him. He took a bite of the eggs and immediately spat it out in disgust, gagging. Salt. Way too much salt. Mikey looked at him hurt before Leo started cackling in the corner of the room.

“You should have seen your face!!” Leo said. Raph knew it was an innocent prank. He shouldn’t be upset by it. But he just couldn’t take it anymore. He slid the plate aside and held his head in his hands, listening to Mikey get onto Leo for messing with the food he made.

“Raph, you okay..?” Donnie asked, a hand on his shoulder. Raph sucked in a shaky breath,

“I’m done,” he said.

“Wh- what?” Donnie asked.

“Leo wins. I’ll be leader again if that’s what it takes to end this. I’m done,” Raph said. Donnie stuttered for a second before Raph got up and left. He went to his room and stood there for a few seconds before the weight of it all crashed down on him and he started shaking. I don’t want to do this… I don’t want the burden back on me…

Raph wanted Leo to do what he was supposed to be doing so he could stop being impacted by it all. Wanted Leo to stop targeting him. He’d just finally realized that he can’t have both. Leo won’t stop until he gets his way. And Raph can’t live fighting him like this anymore. Something had to give, and it had to be him, or nothing would change.

Why can’t I have someone to tell me what to do… Why’s it always gotta be me?

Raph heard loud footsteps come down from the stairs.

“You’re really going to be leader again??” He asked. Raph hesitated.

“Yep…”

“About time. You’re more leader-y than I am, anyway,” Leo said, casually sitting on Raph’s bed. Raph looked at him,

“Is this what you wanted?” Raph asked. Leo looked at him with that same cocky grin he’s worn several times over, but it fell flat in an instant when he saw Raph’s face.

“I-… Raph, it was just salt, you don’t need to cry over it” Leo said, a new uncomfortable smile present. Raph flinched, shoulders tense.

“You don’t get it,” Raph said quietly.

“Oh right, because you know everything,” Leo said. Raph didn’t say anything and turned around to leave again, seeing Donnie and Mikey hiding outside the door. He didn’t want to be followed so he went to the only place he knew that had a lock. Donnie’s lab. He went in, and locked it behind him. Didn’t touch anything. Just sat against the door, feeling a little looser knowing he had some privacy. Don prob’ly won’t like that I’m in here… but if I don’t touch anything, I’m sure he won’t mind too much… Raph finally let himself crumble, tears flowing fast. He could feel the pounds get heavier on his shoulders the longer he sat there, anticipating everything he’d be responsible for again. Making sure they do everything right, having to come up with plans (which he wasn’t the best at), and having to keep everyone safe at the same time so they don’t die or get horribly injured. It was all on him again. Not just being the supportive big brother, which he was fine with. Liked, even. But now, everything is on him, again. He felt like he was suffocating and he wasn’t even on a mission. Just thinking about it was enough to make him feel choked.

Raph grabbed his face tight, wondering why he did this to himself. He’s the one that caved. He could have given Leo a few more chances. Leo had potential. He’s better at this than Raph is. By a lot. Raph saw it. He knew Leo would be a better leader than Raph ever was if he would just take it seriously. He felt a couple sobs escape his lungs and gasped, trying to stay quiet. It’s not like anyone would hear him. He came to the lab for privacy. But instinctively he just wanted to be quiet. Raph sat there like that for a while before he heard footsteps outside. Someone tried to open the lab and he heard Donnie’s voice recording on the other side.

“Locked. Come back later,” it said. Raph held his breath, listening.

“… Raph, I’m opening the door,” Donnie said. Raph panicked and scrambled to his feet, scrubbing his face as he listened to Donnie punch in a code. The door to the lab opened and all three of them were standing on the other side of it. Leo stepped forward first,

“Raph-“ he started, but Raph began walking past him again. Leo grabbed his arm and forced Raph to a stop. “Look, I’m sorry about the salt, okay?”

“You really think that’s what this is about??” Raph asked, turning to look at him, barely holding back sobs. All three of them startled still. “I know you have potential, Leo. You could be a good leader if you just cared enough to do it. You’re better at Raph than planning, you think of things faster, you got charm, can read people easy… You’re GOOD at what you do…!”

“Raph, you’re good at all those things, too,” Leo said softly. Raph whipped his body around,

“I NEVER WANTED TO BE!!” He yelled. Leo’s eyes went wide. “Raph never wanted to- to be a leader!! Never wanted to have to plan ‘r think things up on the spot, ‘r keep all of us from d-dyin’ horribly mangled…!” Raph cried. He felt himself glow, ninpo responding to the strength of his emotions. He barely noticed himself start to shrink. “I never wanted to d-do any ‘a this but I’m the oldest! I had to because nobody else would, a-and I couldn’t let you get hurt…! You’ve always been better at it than I am! Even when I was leader you’d come up with better plans than me, faster than me… but I was still responsible for ya…!” Raph looked up at Leo, noticing he was at their waists now, “I was relieved when Dad made ya leader, I wanted you to be leader…! But then you started yelling and- and then Raph had to take over again because you weren’t doin’ it right and- I don’t-“ Raph was shorter than their knees at this point. Mikey knelt down to see him better. “I don’t-“ Raph stuttered a bit more, trembling, before retreating into his shell. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Raph sobbed, finally letting his cries be heard as he broke down. He could still see the red glow faintly from outside his shell. He felt himself get scooped up into a hug. Raph started hyperventilating, trembling and wailing. The hug started to feel weird and distant, more like a big warm blanket than arms wrapped around him. It stopped supporting him, letting him slowly fall forwards until he plopped onto something soft, landing on his plastron. Then the red glow finally stopped.

“I didn’t know he could shrink, much less to that size…” Donnie muttered.

“Like a pebble…” Mikey whispered. “Why does there have to be a leader in the first place? We’re a team…”

“Mikey, there has to be one… they’ll just keep fighting without one.”

“But it’s just making everyone sad!! Let’s get rid of it!”

“I think that would just make Raph even more stressed…”

“Then… there’s gotta be something we can-“ Mikey stopped talking for a second and Raph was able to hear Leo crying. Raph felt himself move a bit, momentum making his body press against the inside of his shell until he was upright, feeling a comforting amount of pressure on him from all sides. He felt himself bump and bounce against whatever was around him. Raph gasped for air, feeling lightheaded as he struggled to breathe.

“I-I’m sorry,” Leo said. Raph was shocked to hear him say it with such sincerity. “I didn’t know it hurt you this much… I thought it just annoyed you, I didn’t know…” Leo said between hiccups and cries. Raph continued to cry, trying to calm down before feeling things move again. He heard footsteps. They were moving for a while before they finally stopped. They talked around him but he was too focused on trying to slow his breathing to listen properly. It was a while before Raph was able to calm himself down, and by the time he did he was exhausted. He stayed in his shell for a long time, even through a nap, not ready to talk to anyone yet. Leo tried a few times, poking him and asking if he was okay. Raph was just too tired to talk.

It must have been hours before Raph was finally ready to come out. When he did, he found himself in Leo’s room on his nightstand. He was on the smallest pillow they could find. There was a small heat lamp over him. Leo was on his phone on his bed, not noticing Raph out of his shell yet. Raph looked at him, mentally drained.

“Hi…” he said. Leo’s full attention was on him in seconds.

“Are you okay…?” He asked. Raph didn’t say anything. “Right, stupid question… Mikey’s been trying to make tiny food if you want to eat? I know you haven’t eaten today… like at all,” Leo said, immediately looking really guilty. Raph just nodded. Leo offered him his hand and he walked onto it, a bit weirded out by the scale of everything around him. Leo moved his hand up and Raph moved to Leo’s shoulder. “So… how long are you going to stay small?”

“I don’t know…”

“Okay…” Leo said. Raph held onto Leo’s shell as he walked up to the kitchen, where Mikey and Donnie were talking. They stopped when they saw Leo come in.

“Is Raph okay? Big yet? Out of his shell? Say anything at all?” He asked.

“Well, almost,” Leo said, looking at Raph as best as he could. Raph waved a little so Donnie’s eyes would land on him. Donnie didn’t look thrilled but sighed.

“I’ll take it,” he said, “do you know when you’ll be big again..?”

“No..” Raph said. Donnie fidgeted nervously.

“I’m going to call Draxum,” Donnie said, already pulling his phone out as he walked away.

“Hey, nothing wrong with being small! Here, I tried to make some small food. I wasn’t sure if you would be big again or not when you came out, but I wanted you to have something to eat. Here, these are some cookie crumbs. Well, big crumbs. And I shaved some little pieces off of carrots! I um, can try to tiny-fy other things, too,” Mikey said. Leo sloped his arm out onto the table and Raph carefully made his way down. “I could probably make a tiny sandwich? Make bacon and give you the crumbs?” Mikey said.

“I don’t-“

“Go ahead, Mikey,” Leo said. Raph looked at him for a second, Leo glancing down and immediately looking around the room nervously. Raph turned back to the little pile of crumbs in front of him and started eating them. Mikey came over to him a few minutes later with a messy PB&J he made as small as he could.

“Here you go, little man,” Mikey said, trying to sound like Raph. Raph just chuckled and took it, almost unhinging his jaw to eat it so he’d have to take as few bites as possible and avoid making a mess. Donnie came back in the room a little later,

“Okay, Draxum explained it to me over the phone. This was triggered by emotions, so the only way to undo it is emotions,” Donnie said, “so, Leo? Any ideas?” Donnie asked. Raph looked between them both confused,

“What are you- I said I would be leader again, you don’t have to do it,” Raph said. Donnie and Leo looked at him, looked back at each other, then looked back at him before Leo bent down to get his face closer to Raph,

“That was before I realized how much you hated it…”

“But you never wanted to be leader, either… Raph can-“

“No, Raph can’t,” Leo said, “not only did you go into your shell which you, like, NEVER do, but you got so upset your ninpo made you shrink to the size of a grape. Raph cannot handle it. Even if Raph thinks he can,” Leo said. Raph looked at him watery eyed. “Look, I’m sorry I was a jerk… I… I wasn’t ready to be a leader. Sure, the first few missions went okay. But it’s scary. I just wanted an out. I thought if I made myself seem wildly immature then everyone would change their minds and I wouldn’t be leader anymore. But you didn’t give up on me, and then we just started fighting for forever. So instead of saying something, I made you miserable hoping you’d give up on me… I just didn’t realize that getting my way would hurt so much. I wasn’t expecting you to look at me like that… I didn’t want to hurt you, and I still don’t. So I’m the leader now, and there’s nothing you can do about it,” Leo said. Raph’s vision blurred as tears built up in them, lip wobbly. Leo put his finger on the table, “I know you want a hug, you bi- er, small softie,” he said. Raph blinked and the tears spilled over. He ran over to Leo’s finger, him curling it around his shell. He looked up at Leo,

“I can still help you-“

“You’re not allowed to. If it crosses over the line of teamwork, you’ll be fined,” Leo said. Raph laughed,

“Fined how??”

“We’re gonna strap Mikey to you and throw you in the Mystic Library,” Leo said, looking up at Mikey with a grin. Raph turn to look at him and he played along,

“Maybe I can make a bigger echo than last time!” He said with a huge grin. Raph just smiled. Leo tried to wipe some of his tears away with his finger as Donnie sat down next to him,

“Not to mention I’ll gladly call Nardo out for being stupid if he decides to stop using his brain cell,” Donnie said with a smirk, folding his arms on the table and resting his head on them to look at Raph, “you’re not the only one who can make sure he’s up to code.”

“Ha ha,” Leo said, tilting his head a bit to give Donnie a look before looking back at Raph, “I’ve got it from here, so don’t worry,” he said. Raph’s smile got even bigger and he started glowing red again. Everyone looked at him curiously before he suddenly popped back to his normal size, kicking Donnie in the face and pushing Leo off his chair, threatening to fall off the table. Mikey grabbed his arm to try and keep him up but instead Raph ended up pulling him over the table and he fell off with him, both landed right on top of the twins. It took Raph a moment to process he was back to normal, everyone else immediately clinging onto him. When he did, he was quick to pull all of them into the biggest hug he could, cuddling them all.

“Oh thank Galileo you’re back to normal- if that didn’t work I was going to panic,” Donnie said.

“Now you can eat normal-sized cookies!!” Mikey said. Raph let them go and Mikey quickly got up to grab the tray for them. Raph pulled Leo into a snug side-hug, his arm around his shoulder. He was so glad all of this fighting was over and done with, and he didn’t have to be leader again to make it happen. Everything was finally as it should be.

And everything felt light again.

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