#runs 6am-9am during the year

[sixth-light]

New Zealand always shuts down over the Christmas-New Year period in a way that Northern Hemisphere countries simply don't because it's also our long summer break, but I think it's a sign of how...everything...2022 has been that it's December 20th and pretty much everything is already shutting down - and was as of the 19th. This will mean nothing if you don't live here but we've already hit a 7am start for Morning Report! Everybody is simply Done.

[ladykailitha]

Of Butterflies and Backstrokes Part 2

Woohoo!!! I'm back with the next chapter of this lovely fic.

Steve and Eddie start circling each other, but they aren't there yet.

Since it's been awhile (three weeks eekk!) I'd go back and read part one again. ;)

Part 1

~

Eddie got home that night, tired and aching from a long day of grunt work. He found he didn’t hate Murray, but he if he had a choice of passing him in a dark alley or turning tail and running the other direction, he would chose the latter every time.

Murray would spend the first week watching over him and helping him when he made mistakes then next week he’d have to do it all on his own.

Eddie worked from eight to four and the pool opened at 9am and closed to the public at 6pm. Then it was given the rich toffs with their personal coaches until eight or nine. But from when they left and until ten, staff was allowed to use the pool for personal time.

The rec center itself opened at 6am for all the people who wanted to work out before before they had to work. The pool used to open then too, but they had to stop doing that. It was without lifeguards and during that time there were huge ass signs that declared no lifeguard on duty. But because some idiot woman left her kids to play in the kiddie pool while she did yoga or some shit and the little shit goblins got into the big pool and one of them almost drowned. If there hadn’t been one of the trainers arriving early to set up for his class, the shit goblin would have died.

So because of one asshole, the public wasn’t allowed to swim in the mornings before the lifeguards were on duty, that left staff able to use it during that time. And oh boy did Eddie abuse the hell out of that on Saturdays. He, of course, double and triple checked with Joyce and Murray that he was considered staff before he did it the first time. But for three hours one day a week, the pool was mostly his.

Sure, every once in awhile he’d see a lifeguard or a trainer come take advantage of the quiet time, but mostly he was alone. He loved it.

In fact he got to know the lifeguards and trainers. Well all but one of them. Robin, Jonathan, and Nancy were all trainers. Vickie, Carol, Nicole, and Tommy were all lifeguards. All but Steve.

Steve didn’t use either of the two Olympic sized pools, but rather stayed in the endless pool, which was in a separate room. Eddie had been tempted to try it, but he’d have to ask someone how to use it and he just didn’t have the guts to.

He decided that lifeguards were snotty know-it-alls, with the exception of Vickie, and all the trainers were the cool kids.

Nancy trained the advanced students, Jonathan trained intermediate, and Robin with Steve trained the beginners. Which apparent had four different classes. Adults, teenagers, eight to twelve year olds, and the baby and toddler class.

During the day, Eddie would watch the swimming classes and he started noticing a strange pattern. Steve never went into the large pools. He would crouch on the sidelines with his little whistle and blow it when he wanted his class to stop. Then Robin would get into the water with them if she wasn’t there already and correct them.

Or they stayed in the kiddie pool if they were young enough.

Murray caught him staring the second week. “See something you like?”

Eddie wrinkled his nose in distaste.

“I don’t know what you mean,” he huffed going back to restocking the towels. They had gone through them faster today than usual. Or what counted as usual to Eddie in his two short weeks.

“Sure you don’t,” Murray said with a sneer. “I’ve seen you watching the pretty lifeguards and trainers.”

“Well, I’m not going to stare at the coaches,” Eddie said, rolling his eyes and moving on to the laundry baskets. “Considering I’m out of here before they even deign to show up.”

Murray barked out a short laugh. “There’s a reason for that.”

Eddie paused what he was doing and straightened up. He turned to look at his supervisor. “Why’s that?”

Murray just shrugged. “Let’s just say coaches and trainers don’t mix well. Like oil and water.”

Well, Eddie thought, that was cryptic as fuck and annoying as hell. But instead of pressing him, he just got back to work. After all they weren’t paying him for this shit and he just needed to get it done.

“What’s Harrington’s deal, anyway?” he murmured as he pushed the laundry cart past Murray.

“Not my story to tell.”

Eddie sighed. Apparently his supervisor was going to dangle a carrot only to yank it way. Story of his life, honestly.

Which was to say it fucking sucked.

~

Steve came out of the men’s dressing room a couple of weeks later to find the new maintenance guy watching them again.

The guy turned away when he got caught and bent over to put something away.

Steve turned to Robin. “Does that guy give you creepy vibes?”

They started walking to the kiddie pool for their first class of the day. Teenagers. God, he hated teenagers. They were only there because their parents made them, they never listened, and one or two of them would end getting into trouble, every god damned time.

“Who, Eddie?” Robin asked, looking over at the guy who had began mopping the endless puddle by the towel dispensary.

“Oh is that his name?” Steve asked, curious.

Robin nodded. “Yeah, he’s actually here doing community service. Got caught dealing and was sentenced to working here for about three months.”

Steve chewed his bottom lip. “Still not beating the creep vibes there, Robs.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she said and threw her head back, laughing. “But no, he’s really nice guy and you’d like him if you actually joined us on Saturdays.” She poked his side for emphasis.

He wiggled and squirmed away fro her. “You know why I can’t.”

She sighed and cocked her head to the side knowingly as she sized him up.

Robin and Steve had actually had the same swim coach growing up, her parents applying to some disadvantaged kids program.

Steve excelled at it while Robin merely enjoyed it. After she graduated from high school she went into linguistics and then learned there aren’t that many jobs for a polyglot. So she became his interpreter at international events like the World Championships and the Olympics.

Especially the Olympics as the primary language is French.

After his accident she got them the job of teaching kids how to swim. Joyce was fine with their little arrangement as she called it and most parents were understanding once they found out why a swim instructor didn’t like deep pools.

There were always those that complained, but Joyce would refund their money and tell them to go elsewhere. First complaint and bam! They were gone. She trusted Steve and that’s all that mattered to her.

“I know, dingus,” she said linking their arms together. “You’ll figure it out eventually.”

“Thanks.”

They got to the pool and found five spotty teenagers waiting for them. Four boys and a girl. One of them, who had gangly limbs and freckles on his arms and face sneered at him.

“What are we doing at the kiddie pool?” he whined the second he saw them. “It’s for like kids.”

Steve raised an eyebrow. “I could toss you in the deep end the main pool and see how well you fair, if you’d like?”

The other kids stared at him in shock, clearly not expecting Steve to bitch back.

“You wouldn’t!” the snotty teen huffed. “You’re not allowed to do that!”

Robin and Steve shared a glance and then Steve just shrugged.

“It’s what we do with the babies and toddlers,” he said, nonchalant, batting his eyelashes innocently. “I mean if it’s good enough for babies, it should be good enough for you, right?”

The kid’s mouth opened and shut without a single word coming out.

“You know,” Robin said dryly, “moving your mouth like a fish doesn’t mean you are one, so I’d close it if I were you.”

He snapped his mouth shut with an audible click and gulped loudly.

Once Steve was satisfied he wasn’t going to say anything else, he started the class.

Then when they in the pool learning how to float, Steve looked up to see Eddie grinning at up him. He blushed and looked away. He didn’t know why his insides suddenly felt like liquid metal had been poured down his esophagus but he knew he liked the feeling.

~

Okay, so maybe Eddie liked how pretty Steve was and how he would take down the Chads and Karens when they threw fits and how Joyce backed him up every time. But he really did try to keep the staring down to a minimum.

Which he absolutely failed at if Joyce’s teasing and Murray’s snide remarks were to go by. Like the only people who hadn’t teased him about it was Hopper and his Wayne. And he figured it was only because they never saw how flustered he got when Steve came around.

The trainers teased him, the lifeguards teased him. His friends teased him. God he wanted to murder Jeff in his sleep sometimes.

“Look, man,” Jeff said, “you’ve got to at least talk to him. Robin even said that he thinks your staring is creepy.”

Eddie let out a pained sigh. “We don’t have breaks at the same time and he never comes into the main pool area if he can help it.”

Jeff scratched his chin. “Maybe he’s afraid of water.”

“Like a swim instructor could be scared of going into the pool,” he scoffed. “He teaches in the kiddie pool and the endless pool, so it can’t be all water.”

Jeff just shrugged.

But the comment wouldn’t let go his brain. It created an itch at the back of his mind every time he saw Steve.

The closest he ever got to the pool was just out of arm’s reach. One time he even caught one of the teen-aged beginners try for him and missed.

Steve got up and walked away and the kid was forced to do pedaling exercises until the class ended. And even then Steve still hadn’t come back from class.

He needed to mop the men’s changing room, so he called out. “Maintenance! Hey anyone in here?”

When Eddie didn’t get a response, he walked right in with mop and bucket. The rec center liked to keep the area as dry as they could even though there were signs everywhere: CAUTION WET FLOOR.

He started by the showers and slowly made his way to the changing rooms, when he got to the last stall he actually found it locked.

Shit.

He hoped he didn’t have to crawl under the gap in the door to reach around and unlock it because little kids were shits. More than once Eddie had seen them lock the door and crawl out, leaving it locked and any appeals to their parents fell on deaf ears.

But as he crouched down to look he could hear the sounds of someone crying softly. He then spotted the soft shoes that a lot of the swim staff wore again, color coded like everything else in this place. White for trainer.

Eddie’s heart sank.

“Hey, Harrington, that you?” he called out gently. All their last names were on the backs of their polos.

There was a sniffle or two before the weak, “Yeah, yeah. Sorry, just give me a minute and I’ll be out of your way.”

The door opened and a very disheveled Steve came out of the stall, head down and shoulders rounded.

“You sick or something?” Eddie asked, tilting his head to get a better look at the man.

Steve let out a bitter laugh. “Yeah you can say that.” He went to the sinks and splashed water on his face couple of times before drying it on a paper towel and throwing it away.

Eddie watched as the trainer exited the changing rooms leaving him with more questions then he had answers.

~

Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

Tag List: FIVE SLOTS REMAINING

1-@mira-jadeamethyst @rozzieroos @itsall-taken @redfreckledwolf @zerokrox-blog

2- @gregre369 ​@a-little-unsteddie @chaosgremlinmunson @messrs-weasley @cryptid-system

3- @maya-custodios-dionach @goodolefashionedloverboi @val-from-lawrence @carlyv @wonderland-girl143-blog

4- @justforthedead89 @irregular-child @bookbinderbitch @bookworm0690 @forgottenkanji

5- @anne-bennett-cosplayer @yikes-a-bee @awkwardgravity1 @littlewildflowerkitten @genderless-spoon

6- @dragonmama76 @ellietheasexylibrarian @thedragonsaunt @useless-nb-bisexual @disrespectedgoatman

7- @counting-dollars-counting-stars @tinyplanet95 @ravenfrog @swimmingbirdrunningrock @lingeringmirth

8- @gutterflower77 @a-lovely-craziness @just-a-tiny-void @w1ll0wtr33 @beelze-the-bubkiss

9- @chameleonhair @sadisticaltarts @dreamercec @xxfiction-is-my-realityxx @mac-attack19

[animeraider]

New music this week from J. Robbins, who dropped the best album so far this year, The Warning, Big Big Train, Grandaddy, Sean Ono Lennon, English Teacher, The Dandy Warhols (with Slash), lovelytheband, some older dudes from Seattle and much more. Enjoy!

Let's see if I can get through this week without getting a ban for language, shall we?

ROTATING OUT: SONGS LEAVING RADIO FREE CALIFORNIA

This means the music that is aging out is from Radio Free California Episode 2308. This includes music from Screaming Females, PONY, Nickel Creek, P!nk, AJ & Aly, Shounen Knife, @, Joe Louis Walker, and so much more, plus even I show up.

We celebrate these songs with a new show that will play on Saturdays at 11am and again at 5pm PST. We will say goodbye to the songs that are now a year on the playlist with one last broadcast, which will be repeated a couple of times during the day.

You can of course still listen to this music - my playlists are still on spotify and you can find them here. They're all searchable as well.

ALBUM SHOW NOTES

This week on The Album Ahow was a no brainer for me. I have been a fan of J. Robbins going all the way back to when he was the lead guitarist for Jawbox, which is shockingly now 30 years ago. He has a new album out called "Basilisk" and to my mind it's the best album out so far this year. I added 5 tracks from it to the radio station rotation, and feel that everyone should give the album a listen. So we will feature the entire 11 song album this week on the Album Show.

The Album Show will run this Thursday February 22nd at 9am and 9pm Pacific Standard Time.

RFC 2407

For those of you who stay away from Spotify this playlist will be played this Wednesday February 21st at 2am, 6am, 10am, 2pm and 6pm PST. All of the songs I feature on Radio Free California are played as part of the regular rotation. .If you want to hear the songs we've added to the station this week you can use the Spotify playlist above or you can listen to this show.

10 at 10

One last programming note: Every Sunday at 10am and again at 10pm we will feature our show "10 at 10", where we play 10 (and sometimes 11 or even 12!) songs from a year we pick at random. Again, all times are PST. Last week we featured a selection of songs from 1996 and for next Sunday's show we're going to feature a small selection of songs from.. well you'll have to tune in to find out!

As always, you can go to https://global.citrus3.com:2020/public/radiofreecalifornia to listen to the station, and there is an imbed below. And did you know the station is available as an app? It's only for Google Play (sorry iphone users - Apples terms and conditions were too restrictive for me) but you can listen on your phone at your convenience too.

[thetoxicgamer]

Entity shock European Dota 2 scene with milestone run through TI12 qualifiers

Team Entity successfully qualified for The International 2023 of Dota 2 today, earning a spot in the game's premier competition for the second year in a row. Entity had to battle through a difficult bracket and lose to powerhouses like Nigma Galaxy and Secret in order to get to the regionals for TI once more. Qualifying for TI through the Dota Pro Circuit is a challenging task on its own. Teams look to avoid the stress of the qualifiers, where over 10 squads enter and one or two advance. In the past, only two teams had made it to TI through regional qualifiers consecutively. Between 2012 and 2014, Mousesports qualified for TI three times in a row from the regionals. EHOME came close to repeating that achievement, qualifying for the event in 2015 and 2016. Entity now join the ranks of these two teams with their second-straight TI qualification through the regional qualifiers. The road to this milestone and TI 2023 looked like it could have started out rough for Entity, though. Entering the competition as the third seed, Entity found themselves in the toughest part of the bracket, facing Nigma Galaxy in the first round. A 2-1 victory over Nigma meant that Entity would await the winner of OG vs. Team Secret. Eventually battling against Secret, Entity continued their run in the upper bracket after two long matches. A surprise was waiting for Entity in the upper bracket finals, though, as a wild Luna Galaxy (LG) roster appeared—one of the least expected teams to advance from the top side of the upper bracket. Despite the expectations, LG showed why they were one of the most prepared teams in the qualifiers, resisting Entity for over an hour in their first encounter. LG’s decent form couldn’t extend the series to three games, however, and Entity grabbed one of the available spots for TI12 from the Western European Dota 2 region. With Entity qualifying for TI12, fans will get to watch the prodigy carry player Alimzhan “watson” Islambekov competing in the most prestigious Dota 2 tournament of the year. Watson made waves during the 2023 DPC season and dominantly held the top ranked spot in Europe “for longer than any other player,” according to popular Dota 2 streamer Janne “Gorgc” Stefanovski. Watson is also now the first player from Kazakhstan to qualify for TI, making Entity’s achievement even more meaningful. The WEU qualifiers will continue tomorrow as there are three teams left and only a single TI seat remaining. Secret will face Quest at 6am CT, and the winner of that match will take on LG at 9am. Read the full article

[katblu42]

Tie Me to the Moon

Installment 4 (of 5) in my Whump Wheel spinning experiment. This spin was for John and gave me Cuddling For Comfort and Cemetery.

It is another Young Tracys fic, but it requires some WARNINGS as it deals with grief/mourning, funerals and of course a cemetery. I'm also tagging for social anxiety, sensory overload and panic attack, although I'm not entirely sure exactly what I'm putting John through. If there's any additional warning or tag I need please let me know (or if these ones don't hit the mark).

Possibly more angst than whump.

The day started early. Scott had spoken with John and Virgil the night before about how much he was relying on them both to help get Alan and Gordon ready, since Grandma and Dad would both have a lot on their plate. So, John had set the alarm for 6am to give them time to wake themselves up before tackling the tinies.

By 9am all five boys were awake and fed and dressed in their Sunday best, shoes shined and hair combed awaiting final inspection before the cars arrived to take them to the church. Normally it would have been Dad who inspected the troops before such an important occasion but, like many other things over the last week or so, today the job was taken on by Scott. He left no stray hair or speck of lint unscrutinised, while their father was barely able to do more than glance at his boys and give Scott a pat on the shoulder as he passed on his way out the front door.

Scott decided it would be best if he went in the lead car with Dad. It was the one that had been fitted with the kiddie seats for Gordon and Alan, and Scott could sit between them and keep them settled. That left John and Virgil to ride in the second car with Grandma. The car trip was mostly silent, but Grandma told them they both looked very smart and did her best to smile despite clear indications she was holding back more tears.

As they neared the church it was impossible not to notice the large number of parked vehicles, some still offloading passengers. John let out a large sigh as their car pulled up in front of the chapel. The soft murmurings and general bustle of the gathering crowd penetrated their insulated little bubble even before the driver opened the door to let Grandma out. Virgil waited until he’d caught John’s eye and received a nod before opening his door so both boys could exit on the same side of the car.

The kindly young driver from the funeral home seemed to be keeping most of the well-meaning mourners at bay as the family gathered and were solemnly led into the church and ushered to the front pew. John tried to focus on the flowers, the quiet organ music, the soft glow of sunlight filtering through stained glass rather than the coffins or even the photos of Mom and Grandpa, and definitely not the endless stream of people filling the rows of seats behind them. It was a slightly tight fit getting all seven of them in the one pew, even with Alan on Dad’s (and later Scott’s) lap, but John was glad of the warm press of Virgil on his left and Gordon on his right.

The service was a simple, no-frills affair with the Minister officiating, but friends and family doing most of the talking. John listened through Dad and Grandma retelling stories he’d heard before, but there were little details revealed that he had never known. The anecdotes shared by the others who stepped up to the pulpit microphone – one of Grandpa’s farming neighbours, and an old friend of Mom’s from school – almost felt like stories about other people. It didn’t feel like they were talking about the people John had lost.

For John losing Grandpa was like a constellation of stars going missing from the night sky. It was Grandpa that had told him people are all made of the same stuff as the stars. He had been a quiet, watchful presence in his life, providing light and joy whenever he looked up and saw that twinkle in Grandpa’s eye. Like Ursa Major and Polaris, Grandpa was always there guiding him, giving direction when needed, but never wanting to overstep or overshadow his parents. Not the brightest light in his orbit, but an important, comforting presence that meant John always knew his place in the world.

Mom had been the sun at the centre of his life, his family, his everything. Without her all the light and warmth was gone from the world. Instead of a regular (though slightly wonky) orbit his world now felt like it was tumbling through space and gravity was constantly shifting. One moment he was too heavy to move and the next he was so light might be flung out into space. Night and day and seasons, years and everything he measured his life by had been connected to his Mom – waking him and tucking him into bed, making sure he dressed warm enough or wore sunscreen or had his raincoat, keeping track of birthdays and holidays and school excursion days were all her.

During the service no one spoke of Mom and Grandpa like that.

There was music. One of Mom’s favourite piano pieces. Virgil had wanted to be able to play it today, but hadn’t been able to bring himself to even sit at the piano, much less play at all since the accident. So a recording had been found and it was played as a backing track to the slideshow that flickered through image after image of happy memories telling part of two life stories.

There were prayers. Reassuring words from the minister about heaven and God’s love, and the love we should all share with each other. John wasn’t sure exactly how he felt about heaven, or God calling Mom and Grandpa home to his kingdom.

There was a poem read out by one of Mom’s work colleagues. It was something about not crying or being sad because they were gone, but being happy because they had lived. Many of the people in the room were obviously ignoring the advice – his immediate family included. There were a good many wet handkerchiefs and tissues in hands, a great deal of suppressed sobs and eye rubbing, and a few sleeves swiped across cheeks before the service was over.

Scott and Dad were among the pall bearers who carried the coffins out of the church and onto the waiting machinery that would take care of their final movements. John and his brothers and Grandma were the first of the mourners to follow in the sombre procession. Only a small number of people were permitted to follow the hovering gurneys across the grass and through the little cemetery to the waiting square-sided pits. Just family and a few close friends to witness the way the machinery slowly and smoothly lowered each coffin down into the earth, hear the minister recite the final ritual words, and each place a flower or a sprinkling of dirt atop the coffins in a last goodbye.

The rest of the large crowd had been encouraged to make their way into the Sunday School hall where the wake was to take place. Refreshments had been generously laid out on the tables inside. More photographs of both lost loved ones were on display throughout the room, along with so many more flowers and a large number of cards. But many of the people in attendance that day were still milling about outside the church buildings when John and his family returned through the cemetery for the wake.

John’s feet dragged as he approached the gentle hubbub of mingling friendly faces with sympathetic expressions. He could pick out people he knew well if he let himself concentrate, but the sheer number of individuals he was heading towards was a little overwhelming. They didn’t make it inside the hall before the onslaught began. Almost everyone wanted to say something, speak of sympathy, tell a story, offer “any help you need.” So many wanted to reach out, hold a hand or squeeze an arm, some came in for full-on hugs, cheek kisses and loud, teary exclamations of how sad it all was.

John lost his Dad and Grandma to the throng faster than he thought possible, but before he could be swept up in it himself he was thrown a lifeline. There was a familiar presence by his side, a brush of hand against hand, or specifically pinky against pinky – a request and an offer. John grabbed hold of Virgil’s hand and held fast, tethering himself to his brother like an anchor.

He wasn’t entirely sure how it had happened or how long it had taken, but eventually they all made it inside the Sunday School hall. John was only aware of Virgil’s hand in his, the rest was a blur of faces, voices, bodies. Virgil dealt with anyone who stopped them to offer their personal condolences, listening to what they had to say and responding politely but managing to keep the interactions brief and shielding John from most of the attention. Somehow they made their way to a cluster of chairs where Grandma and Dad were seated, Alan in his father’s lap, still accepting condolences from well-wisher after well-wisher.

John was aware of sweat beading on his forehead as Virgil told him to take a seat next to Grandma for a bit, and then his brother disappeared into the crowd to go and fetch Grandma a cup of tea. He wiped sweaty palms on his trousers as he tried to look around the room. His eyes fell on Scott standing a few feet away, taking all the sympathetic social interactions in his stride, nodding, smiling, shaking hands, accepting embraces.

John’s mouth was dry and he wondered if he could make it across the room to grab a drink from the trestle table against the wall, but there was a sea of bodies he’d have to negotiate in between. For a moment his vision blurred and the vague images of people swam in a dizzying fashion before he could find something to focus on. Alan had obviously grown tired of the hair ruffling and cheek pinching and wriggled free of his Dad’s grasp, and was now trying to run through the small gaps between grown up pairs of legs. Gordon was keeping an eye on him – in between snaffling more cakes and cookies from the food table. John watched the terrible two until they were obscured by too many featureless figures.

Despite the late-winter-cool of the day, the church hall felt uncomfortably warm. The large space with its vaulted ceiling, tall, wide windows and polished wooden floorboards felt dark and gloomy and so very crowded. And the non-stop undercurrent of murmuring voices appeared to build in an unbearable crescendo John could not shut out. Too many bodies, too many voices, too much, too close . . . he needed space, he needed air, he had to get out!

Virgil saw his brother get up and hurry a little unsteadily to the exit as he came back with Grandma’s tea. He tried to keep an eye on the red-head so he could follow, but he had to excuse himself to Grandma and Dad, make his way over to Scott, politely interrupt the conversation and whisper in his big brother’s ear.

“John’s bolted. I’m going after him.”

Scott acknowledged with a nod as his eyes darted to the door, already closed again after John’s escape. Virgil wasted no more time in following, but once outside it took him a moment to figure out which direction John had taken.

John had no particular destination in mind, he just needed to get away. His feet carried him across the gravel driveway and through the grass without him registering the change of surface. He ran through the little cemetery without seeing the tombstones he passed, slowing only when he approached the boundary marked with a low stone wall before a neat, tall hedge. Unable to go any farther he turned and wobbled dizzily. His vision narrowed leaving dull blurred impressions of light and shadow. He heard nothing but the pounding of his heartbeat in his ears, and he sank down to the ground, sitting heavily, knees bent and pulled up towards his chest. He scrunched his eyes tightly closed and slammed his hands over his ears, trying to block it all out.

Virgil approached slowly, but without trying to hide the sound of his footsteps. He lowered himself to sit facing John, resisting the strong urge to reach out and touch him. Seeing his brother in such distress clawed at his heart. He couldn’t let him struggle through this alone.

“John?” He kept his voice quiet and hoped he could be heard despite the hands staying firmly pressed against ears. “I’m here with you. Just me. No one else is around.”

There was no noticeable response.

“If you can hear me, I need you to try and slow your breathing down a bit, John. Deep breath in,“ and Virgil inhaled, “and out nice and slow.” Virgil waited for a second, watching John’s shallow, ragged breathing for any change. “In,” another inhaled breath, “and out.”

As Virgil continued repeating the instruction like a mantra John’s breathing gradually began to even out into slower, deeper, more controlled breaths. He wasn’t sure, but he thought John’s vice-like grip over his ears might be relaxing a little too.

“You’re doing great, John. Keep focusing on your breathing. Keep listening. Hear the breeze whispering through the leaves? Did you hear those birds?”

John did hear the cry of a bird overhead, and an answering call a little farther away as his hands drifted away from his head. As he lowered them to limply rest on the ground beside him he heard a gentle gust of wind rustle the hedges, and he registered that it did indeed sound a bit like a whisper.

“The sun’s broken free of the clouds. Can you feel it on your face, John? Can you feel the wind in your hair? You do realise there’s dirt and leaves beneath your fingertips, right?”

John turned his focus where his brother’s voice directed it, feeling the warmth on the left side of his face, and the breeze toying with his hair. There was indeed leaf litter and slightly damp dirt beneath his flexing fingers.

“If you’re ready to open your eyes you’ll see the moon’s out. I like the way the moon looks in the day. Against the blue of the sky the shadows make it look almost see-through.”

Translucent. That would have been a better word for what Virgil was trying to say. The thought flitted through John’s mind as he let his eyes drift open and scan the sky until they latched onto the gibbous moon framed by scattered cumulous clouds. He was also aware there was irony in the way his brother was effectively using the moon to anchor him, to bring him back to earth and ground him in the here and now.

Virgil had stopped talking, leaving the wind and occasional twitters and cries of the birds to fill the silence as John watched the clouds dance around the moon. He could feel his brother’s eyes on him almost as tangibly as he could feel the damp earth he was sitting on and the cool stone of the wall at his back. Now feeling much calmer he took a deep breath and brought his gaze down from the sky to meet the concern and compassion contained in those warm, brown eyes.

“Welcome back.” A hint of a smile played across Virgil’s face as he spoke.

A quiet moment stretched between them. No words spoken, but information passing from brother to brother through eye contact alone.

Content that John was no longer caught in a spiral he couldn’t escape on his own, Virgil glanced over his shoulder towards the Sunday School hall.

“I should go back, but you can stay here if you want. I’ll come and find you when it’s time to go. Just don’t wander off or anything.”

John didn’t speak as he chanced his own glance back toward the ongoing wake. Then, as Virgil made a move to get up and leave, John reached out and grabbed his wrist.

“Stay. Please?”

Virgil stopped and stared first at the fingers digging into his wrist, then into pleading, desperate aquamarine. He simply nodded and adjusted his position so he was sitting next to John, their shoulders touching. John loosened his grip on Virgil’s wrist but didn’t let go, so John’s arm looped around his knees and Virgil’s arm crossed his body to keep the connection. There was an almost imperceptible hesitation, but then simultaneously John leaned in towards his brother and Virgil wrapped his arm around John, pulling them into a secure embrace.

John finally let go of Virgil’s wrist, bringing his arm in close, grabbing a fistful of Virgil’s suit jacket and snuggling closer into his brother’s chest. This enabled Virgil to employ both arms in the hug. John rarely cuddled up like this with anyone, but all the times he could remember doing so were with Mom. His next intake of breath hitched at the realisation, and Virgil held a little tighter. The threat of tears pricked at the corners of his eyes, and he was grateful that, while not the same as a cuddle from Mom, he was still able to find this level of safety and comfort in the arms of someone who loved him.

“I want her back,” he sobbed, letting the tears flow and drip onto Virgil’s jacket.

“Yeah. Me too.”

John heard the tears in Virgil’s voice, but he already knew his brother felt the same absence in their hug.

Neither boy could say how long they stayed out there, huddled together, holding tight while hot tears streaked their cheeks. Time may as well have stood still for all it mattered. Nothing else was important, just the feeling that this moment, however sad, was there’s alone to share until Scott came and found them to tell them it was time to go home.

[totiredtowrite]

heyyyy happy milestone!!! can i req a match up with the hq bois?

3 facts abt me:

• i'm a nightowl but i think i'm an insomniac or smth now haha- i mean i stay up late around 6am-9am and wake up at 11am-12nn lol.

• i hate both socializing physically and going out- frs like this pandemic, i've only gone out like 3 times and all those times didn't even last an hour. i just stay in my room doing god knows what.

• academic wise... i half daydream during lectures, forget my hws, pass my projects (almost a month) late, but can surprisingly ace(literally perfect) few quizzes and exams(except math) and can tutor someone on a passable degree.

dynamic:

childhood enemies to rivals to lovers if that's a thing, or just simply childhood enemies to lovers.

partner:

• someone that's strict and soft, can be energetic sometimes and will not show me off/make me the center of attention without my permission.

• someone that can handle affection well, since i'm legit touch starved but i express it more while giving it...? like i'll wrap my arms around someone's waist and talk to them, pull someone on my lap while i play games or read a book, give them head pats and forehead kisses, etc.

this was so long ffs also sorry if this soooo specific for you but anywayssss congratulations on the milestone again🎉🎉🎉 also can i be a charanon maybe uhmm kenma/suna? either is fine

Your Match Is

Daichi Sawamura

Why?

Well, all I read was 'strict and soft' and thought Daichi

He has energy, but mostly he's calm

Gentleman

If you don't want to be shown off or be the center of attention, Daichi can fully respect that.

He will always get your permission to do something.

Affection isn't a problem for him either.

If you need to physically express your affection, chances are he won't mind at all.

If anything, Daichi is the type to give you a kiss every time he sees you.

His grades really are rather good, so he'll try his hardest to remind you to turn in homework and such.

The man will literally force you to sleep.

Give this man affection, he needs it.

🂠🃑🃁🂱🂡

Relationship

Neither of you could really remember why you hated each other.

It was some weird childhood feud that probably started because of something stupid, though neither of you really remember why you hated each other. The fact that you two were neighbours didn't help.

Just something about you made Daichi loose his cool. This feeling–that he was sure is hatred, always clouded his mind.

Of course, that hatred had to run thin sometime.

🂠🃑🃁🂱🂡

Realization

Denial seems to be a theme here.

Daichi is typically a stern but caring figure, maturity going through the roof.

So naturally he handled finding out he has an intense attraction to someone he hates like a mature adult, right?

Wrong.

He panicked, like hard.

For a solid two days, nobody heard from him unless it was at practice.

Even then, he looked like he was ready to murder someone.

(Or more accurately, like the first year duo fucked up)

Even the people in his classes noticed something.

Mild-mannered Daichi getting angry?

Eventually (like after 3 days) he comes to terms with it and starts devising how to just not

Y'know?

Guess how well that worked.

🂠🃑🃁🂱🂡

Confession

Not even really a confession.

It's been a few weeks 2 months, and he's decided that this has gone on long enough. After all, in that time you've noticed something was up. The normal banter was a little different now, and the tension was thicker.

You were babysitting Daichi's little sisters and brothers, (because somehow your parents were friends and this hatred bred anyways), while Daichi was glaring holes in the back of your head.

"You gonna keep glaring Saint Sawamura," you narrowed your eyes at him as you turned your head back. He scoffed.

"It's not my fault you keep doing... that," he waved his hands in your general direction.

You furrowed your brows harder, turning fully. "Mind enlightening me on what 'that' is?"

He moved closer to the back of the couch. "You know what you damn insomniac," he gripped the back of the couch, face dangerously close to yours. "Being all endearing and cute and shit," it wasn't often he swore, but you were always an exception. You were looking progressively more confused. "And your weirdly cute way of avoiding people." At this point he was just ranting about all of the things he found cute.

"... You are hearing yourself, right?" You shuffle back a bit.

Really with his sudden and unnatural confession, he expected the worst. On the bright side, he went to bed that night with one less enemy at the very least.

🂠🃑🃁🂱🂡

Honorable Mention

Semi Eita

🂠🃑🃁🂱🂡

Note: I'm not really doing charanons, but I hope you enjoy your request <3

[etraytin]

Quarantine, Day 104

June 23

My entire body is miserably sore tonight, and almost all I did today was sit in a folding chair. For fourteen hours. Election Day, you beacon of democracy, why must you hurt me so? This was my third election as a poll worker and I'm really starting to get a feel for it now, but I'm still not smart enough to bring a damn butt cushion along, so what good am I? Today was strictly a Republican primary for non-presidential races in my district, so it wasn't exactly a barn-burner. We ended up getting 286 voters between 6am and 7pm, plus another thirty or so people who came to the wrong precinct and had to be steered elsewhere. That's about a 13% voting rate, fairly normal for us for a primary from what I heard. The Democratic primary back in March was better attended, getting over 400 voters despite Democrats being a significant minority around here, but it was a presidential primary and also before the world blorped. 

The Democratic primary this year in VA was on March 3, nine days before Day One as measured by this journal. We were already aware of coronavirus, of course, and social distancing and handwashing were on everybody's mind, but nobody was even taking the possibility of lockdown too seriously yet. Our only concession to the looming crisis was several bottles of hand sanitizer added to the precinct supply kits. Today, on the other hand, we were in full COVID survival mode. We had an entire duffle bag full of protective equipment, sanitizers and disinfectant, plus a whole set of protocols to follow, and they were terrible. At the start of the day, they made pollbook workers (those of us who sit in the front and get people checked in) wear both masks and face shields, which is extremely uncomfortable especially if you wear glasses. We also couldn't touch anyone's ID, so when I took off my glasses in order to be able to see, I had to stand up, lean over and squint every time to read the names. It wasn't til around 9am that we got a nurse from the health department in to be our, ugh, I don't remember what it was really called, but she was our COVID babysitter. She said that if we weren't going to be moving around a lot and we were distanced from each other at our computers, we would be pretty safe with just a mask or a face shield. The day got considerably easier after that. But we had distance lines on the floors, boxes and boxes of pens to hand out, and we had to remember to disinfect the door handles frequently so they didn't get all plaguey. And of course there was no potluck, which was extremely sad. A frozen dinner of sweet and sour chicken just isn't the same. 

Even though we didn't have very many voters today, it was an important election because it is a dry run for November. During the presidential election, we will not have the luxury of a slow start and time to get used to new procedures. We had to look at today amongst ourselves and with our health department observers and decide what worked and what didn't, what ought to be changed before the general election and how to streamline things to make them work better. The biggest and best suggestion I heard was giving us plexi barriers at the pollbooks. This would not only lessen our need for uncomfortable PPE during an already grueling day, but if we blocked off the computer table, we wouldn't have people putting their crap down on the table and possibly infecting one another that way. We're also going to need a much longer pollbook table so we can have at least three computers going with all of us six feet apart. Two pollbooks is plenty for a primary, but even in last year's off-year November election we had moments when three pollbook workers were going  full speed. Trump v. Biden is going to bring all the voters to the yard, I am fairly sure. 

Anyway, we closed the polls at seven and were out before eight this evening, which is pretty good efficiency for us. And no discrepancies in our numbers, yay! Good job, doughty pollbookers! We had a couple provisional ballots that had to be cast because people got absentee ballots thinking the polls might be closed and then lost them, and a couple of people who brought in their absentee ballots and spoiled them in front of us so they could vote in person. We learned all kinds of stuff about absentee ballots today that have never really come up in previous years! That'll probably be useful for November too, honestly. If we can just figure out how to do a safe potluck, we'll really be in business! 

[glee-dsm-events2]

The Headmistress has graciously (and through a lot of teeth pulling, several threats to her trophy case and lack of additional options) allowed the school use of her private island and paradise resort (which is often for Cheerio retreats and was purchased after selling interviews to news reporters and syphoning of Glee funds and donations) for the Winter trip! As it is a private island, it will be left to the school to be on with staff coming in by boat to assist. There will also be daily trips/boat shuttles to Costa Rica a mere 30 minute boat ride away! We will be gone January 15th - January 20th.

RULES:

All students must be in their assigned rooms between 1am-6am daily.

There will be no drug use of any kind tolerated.

Alcohol can be consumed at the resort and on the mainland by all students who are 21 years in age. Any underage drinking is strictly prohibited.

Be respectful to all guards, staff, and other met on the mainland. You will represent the school on this trip - use your manners.

No one can go to the mainland alone - groups of 2 or more only with following the escort rule of the school. Boats will leave and return on the hour to go to the main land the students can use during free times.

ACCOMODATIONS

Students will be placed in groups in different cabins which are equipped with: a living area, 3 bedrooms (with a King bed, two queens, and two twins), 2 bathrooms, a patio to the beach, fire pit, and kitchenette. The cabins are furnished with TV, Bluray (with rentals available) streaming devices, and all major appliances.

Assignments:

Cabin 1 - 

Grace Motta

Remy Hudson

Lucas Smythe

Elliott Anderson

Layla Schuester

Cabin 2 - 

Nathan Lynn

Adam Sylvester

Jackson Schuester

Malakai Sylvester

Ryan Fabray-Lynn

Silas Lynn

Cabin 3 - 

Sam Evans

Hunter Clarington

Blaine Evans

Sawyer Cohen-Chang

Lisette Gilbert

Cabin 4 - 

Eric Anderson

Landon Corcoran

Jeff Sterling

Caleb Duval

Maverick Lynn

Shea Flanagan

Cabin 5 - 

Mateo Lopez

Nick Duval

Jamie Beiste

Tobias Karofsky

Buchanan Wilde

Cabin 6 - 

Gunner Clarington

Frankie Wilde

Noelle Adams

Jaelan Puckerman

Franco Hart

Cabin 7 - 

Noah Duval

Bentley Jones

Ferdinand Abrams

Oliver Smythe

Lennon Corcoran

Quinn Fabray

Cabin 8 - 

Esther Fabray

Deni Sterling

Catalina Lopez

Summer Evans

Clark Abrams

Cabin 9 - 

Sebastian Smythe

Ryder Lynn

Archer Clarington

Beau Adams

Devon Chang

Cabin 10 - 

Daniel Schuester

Kirin Rhodes

Eli Hummel

Skylar Evans

ITINIRARY -

The resort and island are filled with things to do! Swimming, snorkeling, parasailing, surfing, fishing, tennis courts, basketball courts, sandcastles, full workout center, indoor arcade, restaurant, bar, swim up bar, and horseback riding.

As stated before, there will be regular trips via boat to Costa Rico as well as scheduled outings. Things to do on the main land are tattoo shops, hair dressers, street shops/vendors, food vendors, D/s club, dance clubs, bars, restaurants, ziplines, waterfalls, parks, whitewater rafting, biking, golf, hot springs, kayaking and canoeing.

January 15th

Leave Ohio at 5am, arrive in Costa Rica at 1pm.

Resort day

January 16th

Resort Day

January 17th

1pm - Suspended Bridges of Monteverde and ziplining

5pm - return at resort

January 18th 

9am - Tram across the Rainforest

11pm - Lunch at nearby restaurant

1pm - Canyoning

5pm - return to resort

January 19th - 

Resort Day

January 20th - 

Leave resort at 5am, arrive in Ohio at 1pm.

OOC - 

So, same as always, if there are any plots to occur PLEASE run it by the admins first. Remember that there will be guards and staff will be around so if your character breaks a rule, a punishment will occur. Keep in mind, most of this will be F2F interactions, so there’s always a chance people will be seen/noticed/overheard etc. Any questions, hit us up. Also, those strike outs in the beginning are not IC knowledge but a fun HC J and I came up with that Sue absolutely has her own island that she bought from her own fundraising and skimming off the top of the Glee Club budget and that she usually only allows Cheerios there. She probably named it something mean towards Will, but we haven’t come up with it yet.  

[niall-is-my-dream]

Lost Without You - Part One

3295 words

When your alarm sounded the next morning at 8am, you actually felt ok. Jasper and Luke had walked you the short distance home like they always did after a shift, before heading off to the Student Union. You had sat at your desk in your room going over some Uni work and drinking a cuppa before falling into bed at 1am. You would have loved to have gone to the Union with the lads, but you had a full 8 hour day at The Cosy Coffee Corner today.

You only worked a Saturday for Audrey, the owner, but along with two shifts at the pub, it was all you could manage around your Uni work load. The beginning of the week for lectures was hectic but with only one on Thursdays and none on Fridays, you found working these two jobs fit in nicely, plus you needed the money. You currently lived in student accommodation so that was all paid out of your student loan. But feeding yourself and living in an expensive city like London meant you had to work. Plus you were saving for after graduation and you were hoping for a holiday.

Your dorm was actually pretty nice, it was one of the newer buildings and you'd lived here since you started University. Lots of people in the block had moved to flat shares, but you were happy where you were. It was close to both jobs, the tube and Uni and it overlooked the park. It was one room which had a small ensuite shower room and an even smaller kitchenette. Along with your desk, double bed and arm chair, it was home.

Audrey was filling up the freshly made cakes counter when you got to work at 9am. The cafe she owned, The Cosy Coffee Corner was situated as you'd expect on the corner of the high street. It was in no way modern, it was full of mismatched tables and chairs, massive sofas and comfy arm chairs. The walls were filled with art work and book shelves that were over spilling with books. Audrey looked up as you entered the cafe, the bell above the door jingling away, calling out a greeting as she carried on her work.

Saturday mornings in The Cosy Coffee Corner were always busy; during the week the place was filled with students but on days like today it was full of locals. You'd get dog walker calling in for an early morning take away coffee after being at the park opposite. Couples embracing a weekend off together sitting on one of the many sofas reading the newspaper.

There was something so warm and inviting about the cafe. Audrey was in her fifties and had run the place for about twenty years. The interior counter and fixtures had been updated but the idea behind the cafe still remained the same. Anyone was welcome to select and read any of the books on the shelves and stay for as long as they liked as long as they purchased a drink.

The Cosy Coffee Corner served hot drinks as well as a variety of home made cakes, pastries and sandwiches. Audrey would be in the cafe everyday from 6am preparing all the food you needed for day. She shared the duty with her sister in law, who worked part time with her.

You were finding working both jobs and Uni work tough since you were so close to graduating. But you couldn't afford to give up either jobs and you knew as soon as you graduated you weren't going to head home to Nottingham. You had made so many friends here and knew that London was where the best opportunities for Interior Design job's were. Plus, Audrey had said you could have extra shifts when you graduated, as had your boss at the pub.

By noon you'd served quite a few people and the sofas were all taken. Mr and Mrs Davidson has taken their usual spot by the window, watching the world go by as they read the newspaper. When a young women entered the cafe with a massive bouquet of flowers, heads turned.

"Hi, I have a delivery for Emma Pearce." She said.

"Um, that's me." You replied taking the bouquet from her.

Who would be sending you flowers, you thought as you opened the card.

"Thank you for saving me last night. N x"

You stared at the note dumbfounded. No one else knew you had helped Niall last night. You hadn't mentioned it to Jasper or Luke, not wanting to embarrass Niall in any way.

Audrey didn't ask you who they were from as the confused look on your face deterred her.

There was no way in hell they were from him, were they?

One week later

The flowers Niall had sent you were still looking beautiful sitting in a vase next to your desk. You'd woken up to your usual 8am alarm and got yourself ready to go to the cafe for work. As you sat and ate a quick breakfast of cereal, you stared at the flowers that you had received last Saturday. When you tried to send Niall a private message on Instagram and Twitter it wouldn't allow you to as he didn't follow you. So that put an end to the thank you message you spent 2 hours working out in your head.

Audrey was once again arranging the food counter when you entered The Cosy Corner Cafe that morning at 9am. She greeted you as usual as you walked past her to put your bag in the staff room.

You were just placing Mr Robsons coffee on the table for him when you heard the bell above the door jingle. Turning your head to greet the new customer, you froze.

Niall had just walked into the cafe, looking ridiculously good for 9:30 in the morning.  Dark jeans, Brown boots and a incredibly cute thick knit navy jumper. Perfect for a cool morning on a spring day. You made your way back to the counter placing the empty coffee tray with the rest before taking a deep breath and turning to face him.

"Hi Emma." He said, before you even had the chance to address him.

"Hi Niall, how are you?" You replied brightly.

Keep calm.

Don't be nervous.

"I'm great thanks. You?"

"Yes, good thanks. What can I get you?"

What you should have said was, thanks for the flowers. But you completely chickened out. There was still that niggling fear that they weren't actually from him and that someone was playing a joke on you.

"Just a regular Americano please?"

"Drink in or take away?" You asked him awkwardly.

"Um, drink in please?"

"Can I get you any pastries, freshly made by the owner this morning." You smiled trying to ease the tension in the air.

You hadn't expected to see him again. Ever.

"No, I'm good thanks."

"Ok, that's £2.40 then please."

He nodded and fumbled in his pockets for the change. Handing you the money he avoided eye contact with you. You rang the purchase through the till, handing him his 10p change.

"Take a seat and I'll bring it over for you." You said before turning around to the coffee machine.

"Did you get my thank you gift?" He suddenly blurted out.

"Yes I did. The flowers were beautiful Niall, thank you. How did you know I worked here?" You replied as you started to make his coffee.

Clearly he wasn't going to just sit down. You were completely baffled by his behaviour. He had sent you the flowers and had now seeked you out at your work place.

"Heard you talking to one of your colleagues at the pub. I hope my eavesdropping was ok, I just wanted you to know that I appreciated you saving me from my impending doom." He smirked.

You laughed then.

"Impending doom?! I'm sure you would've escaped without me. Just wanted her to know that her behaviour wasn't ok."

"I thought......um........I might hear from you when they were delivered." He said, suddenly taking great interest in the leaflets on the counter in front of him.

"Well, your social media accounts can't receive private messages from people you don't follow so....... "

"Didn't think about that." He said the realisation on his face.

"I hope you didn't think I was ungrateful?"

"No, I didn't think that. Thought maybe you just ...... Well I'm not sure what I thought." He replied trailing off.

Taking the coffee from the machine, you placed it on the counter with a smile.

"I didn't tell anyone about that girl, in case you were wondering." You said continuing to smile, trying to ease the sudden awkwardness again.

"I didn't think you would." He smiled back. "Not that it matters."

"Does that type of stuff happen often?" You asked him softly.

"I wouldn't say often, but it has happened a few times before."

"Honestly, that behaviour is not ok. I'm sorry that happens to you."

"Unfortunately it comes with the territory." He said letting out a sigh.

"Well it shouldn't."

***********

Niall's unexpected visit to the cafe yesterday had been playing on your mind. He'd sat by the window in an arm chair drinking his coffee for almost an hour. Scrolling through his phone and occasionally catching your eye, you smiled when you caught his gaze. The cafe had been busy though and with a steady stream of customers you hadn't really had a chance to speak to him much. Niall had given you a wave as he left and that was it.

But you didn't have time to worry about him, Uni work was keeping you busy and you had a massive project to hand in within the next two weeks. Sundays were your day off but you spent them doing course work. Most of the students in your block were hungover from the night before so the halls were quiet and you could concentrate.

After a couple of hours you were happy with how the project was going as you'd made really good progress. Once this was done you knew you would have to work on some revision for your exams. The whole idea of graduating was so daunting.

Deciding to take a break you threw on some flip flops and made your way out the door. The supermarket was less than ten minutes walk away and you decided to take a walk there and get some food for the week. With your hair piled up on top of your head and some comfy leggings matched with an oversized Uni sweatshirt on you made your way through the quiet streets of Battersea.

You loved living here, it's one of the reasons why you hadn't moved out of halls like your friends. Your two closest friends here, Hannah and Jess lived in a house share thinking they'd embrace the independence more there than the individual dorm rooms. However, staying in these didn't make you feel like you hadn't been independent. You just couldn't be bothered to move. The search for a flat share would have to become a priority though after this project was handed in; University life was ending for you.

Grabbing a basket as you entered the store you made your way to the fresh fruit first, grabbing some apples, grapes and bananas. You knew this store well and didn't need a lot so within ten minutes your basket was full and you made your way to the checkout.

Once you'd paid, you walked away shoving your purse in one of the bags that was clanking with the bottle of wine you'd brought when you collided with someone.

"Sorry, wasn't looking where......"

"Emma?"

"Niall......hi!" You smiled.

Shit, you looked a mess, had you brushed your teeth this morning?!

Yes, you had.

But you hadn't brushed your hair, choosing to just pile it on your head.

"How are you? Do you live around here?" He asked.

"Um, I'm good thanks. Yeah, my um hall of residence is about ten minutes from here."

Fuck you were stumbling over your words like an absolute twat.

He just nodded at you. God you were such an idiot. Why were you suddenly all tongue tied around him?

Maybe because you'd been fantasizing about him non stop since he left the cafe yesterday.

"Well, it was great to see you. I better go." You said quickly, pulling the handles of one of the bags over your shoulder.

"Yeah.........good to see you too." He smiled, giving you a wave.

You turned on your heel and walked away, pushing the hair that had come loose behind your ears. Great now you were blushing.

Walk quickly you thought.

"Emma wait!" He called out.

You stopped and slowly turned around.

"Do you need a lift?" He asked, making you blush even more.

Was he blushing to?

"No, I'm ok. It's not far." You replied.

"Honestly, it's no bother." He said as he indicated to his car across the car park.

"I mean......yeah that would be great."

"Here, let me take those." He said as he reached over and took the two bags you were carrying. Then the wine bottle clanked against a glass jar, making you cringe.

"See you've got all the student essentials!"  He laughed, somehow easing the awkwardness.

"Well as a third year who has to work as well I don't get to go out much." You replied laughing.

"You must be working hard with graduation just around the corner?" He said as he placed the two bags in the back seat of an Audi that probably cost more than twice your three years tuition fee.

"Yeah, revision and projects are taking over. Not long now and I'll have to use my degree in the real world." You smiled.

He smiled back and after closing the door he leaned across and opened the passenger door for you.

"Thanks." You mumbled to him as you got in the car.

Your halls of residence was just a ten minute walk so the car journey was even shorter and with your directions Niall pulled into the car park. Instead of stopping outside the door, he parked his Audi in a designated space.

"So um thanks for the lift."

"It was no problem, I'm in no rush today. Only popped out for some milk." He replied smiling.

There was an awkward silence for a moment and for some reason your mouth spoke the words before your brain could argue with you.

"Do you want to stay for a coffee then? If you're in no rush that is."

He finally turned to face you. "I'd like that."

For some reason now you were in the safety of your comfortable dorm room, you felt more relaxed. Kicking off your flip flops at the door, you took the bags that Niall had insisting on carrying up and placed them on the small counter at the kitchenette.

"Its not much, but normal for a dorm room." You said as you watched him look around.

"It's a nice space. You've got a great set up here with the kitchen area and then your working area. Are you doing design or something?" He asked noticing your pin board above it with pictures of various living rooms.

"Yeah, studying interior design and doing a business course along side it. Been working on my final project for it this morning. It's why I took a break to the supermarket and why I look a mess!"

"You don't look a mess, far from it." He replied softly, once again not being able to reach your eyes as he spoke.

"So um coffee?" You asked.

Making your way over to the kitchenette you started the kettle and began unpacking your shopping. There wasn't much so it didn't take long, and soon the kettle was clicking off.

"So what are your plans for after Uni?"

"Well I really don't want to go back to live with my parents so I'm going to rent a studio flat, hopefully around here and work at the bar and cafe until I find a proper job. Well that's the plan!" You said, as you handed him his coffee.

"Have you started looking for jobs yet?" He asked as he took a seat in your arm chair.

It was then that you noticed Niall was looking at the vase of flowers sitting on the table next to your desk. The card with his hand written message perched on the bouquet.

"I have yeah, just two for now. Both paid internships and one of them has the possibility of working in some of their European offices for work experience."

"What cities?"

"Paris, Berlin and Rome." You replied, as you took a seat on the edge of your bed, crossing your legs to get comfy.

"Wow, that would be amazing!"

"I know, just need to get the grade I'm predicted now. Would be amazing to live and work in a foreign city for a few months."

You spent the next hour chatting about your future plans and also Niall's recent tour. He had visited some amazing cities and you were incredibly envious. You kept dreading a lull in conversation, but it never came.

Niall talked about the building he was living in and showed you some photos. You knew his building as it was nearby. He had a beautiful layout and had taken advice on how to furnish it but had come up with most of the design ideas himself.

The nerves you had felt when you'd first seen him earlier in the afternoon at the supermarket had gone. The confidence you'd felt when you'd first met in the pub had returned.

The sun was setting across the park opposite your building and you switched on some lamps to light your room.

"I should get going." Niall said, as he reluctantly stood up from the comfort of your arm chair. "Leave you to get on with some work."

"Yeah, I should probably get on with some revision." You smiled.

"What days do you work?" He asked as he placed his empty mug by the sink.

"Thursday and Friday night and then Saturday all day." You replied.

"So you might be free Wednesday night?"

He looked at you at you nervously, waiting for your reply.

"I might." You answered, trying not to smile too widely.

"I have tickets to the Lewis Capaldi gig in Brixton if you fancied going?"

A date?!

You paused for a second, trying to not seem too eager to reply.

"I mean my cousins and some friends are coming too."

So it wasn't a date. You could deal with that.

Having spent the afternoon in his company, you had seen how he was funny, charming and intelligent and you were more than happy to keep things as friends in order to spend more time with him.

"That sounds great, I'd love to."

"Here," he said as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Add your number in here and I'll text you the details."

You took his phone from him, entering your name and number into the device before handing it back to him.

"Ok, so I'm definitely going now." He said, laughing softly.

"I'll walk you out, these halls are like a maze."

You stood on the steps on your building and gave Niall a wave as he got in his car and drove away. You hadn't for a second thought that you'd ever see him again after his appearance at at the pub last weekend. Him turning up at the cafe yesterday and literally bumping into him at the supermarket had been surreal. 

And now you got to spend time with him again in three days time.

Part Two

https://niall-is-my-dream.tumblr.com/post/186468644173/lost-without-you-part-two

[kimminstudying]

Note: I’m pretty sure I made this list last summer and since school finally over I figured I would reflect on these and see how well I did and how I could improve. Linked below is the original post that has all of the goals I will be talking about, but since I write them down here I’m sure you don’t need to read it to understand what I am talking about, but I put it there just in case. This is just a review of my goals from last year, I will create a separate post for my new goals for this summer and next year. 

The Original Post

⊳ Money

Goal #1: Work towards saving more of your paychecks ✓

I did a good job of saving money, but I went back and forth as time went on. During the summer I would spend money at work during my breaks but I was making way more than I am currently during the school year. I would still spend money like I was when I was making more, but when I learned that I got better at budgeting my cash. 

Now that I have a car and have a monthly bill for it as well as gas, I am getting better at saving the money I need for the said bill. 

I plan on moving out within the year so I need to save up as much as I possibly can. I am moving out with two of my best friends, if all goes as planned, we will be splitting rent and bills between the three of us. 

Goal #2: Put half of checking into a savings account on payday ✖ I did this for a while, but then I saw that it wasn’t really helping me as much as I thought it would. I would end up having like $6 in my checking account before payday comes so I didn’t see a point in just transferring $3 when I was going to get more of it, so what I did was estimate how much money I would need for the week and then put the rest in savings. If I knew I was going out or had bills to pay during that week, I would leave that money in the account. This proved to work way better for me than what I had originally planned to do. 

What I ended up doing was creating a separate savings account for my new house/apartment so I had an emergency account and a moving out account. I would only use my emergency account for things like bills, unpredicted expenses, or big purchases such as a new laptop for school and blogging. But I keep it at $500, just in case I needed it. Right now it’s at like $450 since I needed to pay my car bill and I didn’t work much this week, but what I do is I rebuild it as fast as possible and hopefully, I do not need to take more money out of it.

When I am rebuilding my emergency fund, not as much or no money goes into my “moving out” account, so I am more motivated to save money so I can get both accounts back in order. I am going back to my old job this summer, since it is seasonal work, and I know I am going to be working close to 40 hours a week since I will be 18 they would work me as much as possible, which I like since it’s a job I love with wonderful coworkers. Not to mention we get so many gift cards it’s not even funny. We all love free money. 

*Update: My family has encouraged me to stay home while I am studying at a college that I am commuting to. My father said he won’t charge me rent as long as he can afford to keep me at home and even if he does it won’t be more than $100 a month which he and I agreed on for a price. That account is now for saving up for a new car. 

Goal #3: Have a spending limit when going out ✓

This goes along with what I was saying before about leaving money in my checking account if I have plans to spend it. I like planning my week out and so I tell my friends if they want to make plans they need to do it a few days in advance so I can see if I don’t have work or scheduled time to study, since I am the “nerd” if my group, all of my friends respect how I plan things. 

They also respect when I tell them I don’t have money to go out. Sometimes I’d rather save my money than use it on movie tickets, of course with the occasional splurge here and there on a new pair of shoes or a delicious dinner. When times get like that, we all agree to do something else that is either really cheap or free, such as having a sleepover or going to the park. 

Goal #4: Establish an “okay amount” to spend daily on coffee, breakfast, etc. ✖

I also did this for a little while, putting away $15 every check to get coffee in the morning before school. Since saving money is a learning experience, I’m messing up now rather than ten or twenty years from now. Doing this put be at risk for developing bad spending habits, $3-$4 a day adds up way faster than you think, the next thing you know you’re spending over $50 in a month for morning coffee runs. Now I’m not saying I never go to buy food and coffee before or after school, sometimes it’s great to treat yourself by doing so. Typically, I buy creamers and coffee grounds to make at home and sometimes I’ll buy a bundle of bananas to last me the week. I saw that not only did it save me money, it also saved me about a half hour in the morning. Meaning a half hour more of sleep. 

While my coffee brews I walk my dog for a few minutes so she can go to the bathroom before everyone else in the house wakes up, and I start my car so it can run a bit before I leave. This is especially good since where I live the weather is unpredictable and it can frost over my windows at any time. If I catch this early enough I can defrost my windows before I go to school.

For about a month I would do something called “Fuck it Friday” where I bought coffee, snacks, whatever I wanted since I get paid every Friday. I saw that when I did this, I would just end up spending the amount I typically would in a whole week in one day, so I quickly stopped doing that and I plan on going back to making coffee at home. Goal #5: Add spare change to change dispenser in car ✖

I don’t use cash that often, which means I don’t really get change, but when I do have some lying around, it normally goes right into a bank I have in my room. When I have change in my car, I do tend to put it into the dispenser but then I’ll sometimes use it to give to the people asking for spare change or to buy a piece of candy at the store.

⊳ Languages

Goal #1: Take review notes of language material learned over the summer ✓

I did a really good job over the summer with posting a lot here, at least in my opinion, but when the school year started I posted a little less. In my first semester, I had a bit more time to post multiple times a week for multiple blogs, but when the second semester hit I began to prioritize my schooling over languages and blogs. I started to post at least once a week, but I noticed my language learning for Korean and Italian has gone down a lot because of it.

I take French in school so I practice it every day, and there are so many French posts I have drafted I’m in love. During the summer I worked more on Italian and Korean since my French was already way way way better, and I knew I would be taking it as a class during the school year.  Goal #2: Listen to podcasts in the halls instead of music ✖

I really was going to do this, but right as summer ended I lost my apple headphones and I was not going to spend thirty dollars or so to get new ones, so I just didn’t have podcasts. I have my old phone, which is a Samsung, for music so I just used that with regular headphones.

Even when I got apple headphones from my dad’s fiancee, I still didn’t really listen to podcasts. I think it’s because I don’t want to start a new one or a new audio lesson if I am just walking three minutes to my next class. When I go back to my old job, however, that’ll change. It’s part of a program with my school for getting students into the workforce, so there is a bus that provides us with transport. I have a 45-minute ride there and an over 2-hour long ride back. No excuses to not listen to a podcast or two!

Goal #3: Mondly/Duolingo and Lingodeer during breakfast/as a part of your morning routine ✖

I used to be really good at doing these daily, but then I lost motivation. Even before I would never have a long streak, but I would just try to do it as often as possible to make up for it. There was a time where I didn’t even look at these apps for over a month, but I didn’t notice much of a change in my language comprehension. But I want to get back into it since I don’t have a lot of time now to sit down and do a couple of grammar lessons.  Goal #4: Post weekly to studyblr/langblr for Italian and Korean review notes of what you studied over the summer. ✓

Again, I feel like I did a better job with this during the summer and my first semester of this year. I have several vocab lists saved just in case I don’t feel like studying but I need to do my weekly post. There are some times when I’ll be really motivated for no reason and just make like twelve vocab lists and I draft them for future use.

⊳ Health/Lifestyle

Goal # 1: Wake up at 6am ✓

Waking up early does not equal productivity, I learned that the hard way. I wake up that early for school, but during the weekends or on breaks I wake up normally at 8-9am if I don’t have to work that morning, which I rarely do since I work the night shift (typically around 1-12am I work). 

Goal # 2: Go to bed at 10pm - 11pm ✖

If I am not working I go to bed at around 11pm at the latest, but there are some nights I get home at around 11:30 so I don’t sleep until 1-2am. This is usually weekends so I don’t have an issue since in my state it’s illegal to work minors after 10pm on a school night and 11pm on a weekend. 

But now that I’m 18 and it’s summer, I can anticipate a lot of overnight shifts or longer hours! I’m not complaining, I’d rather work at night than in the daytime anyway. 

Goal # 3: 5-minute workouts or 10-minute abs in the morning and evening or after school  ✖ Hahaha, I never did this. I’m never gonna do this.   Goal # 4: Floss more ✖ Not happening either, that’s too much man. It’s not that big in my life to floss, even if my dentist tells me to do it more. I have no cavities, no gum issues, so I’m good. Goal # 5: Take your medicines daily ✓ This I’ll admit, I need to do more. Sometimes I’ll go a few days without my meds, but it’s not important that I take them daily, since they are “as needed” medicines. I should take them at least every other day, but I am getting better at that.  Goal # 6: Morning and Nightly Skin Care Routine ✓ I started off slow by only doing my routine in the morning and then occasionally going a nightly routine. My skin is really sensitive so this worked for me, putting on too much product would either make my skin too dry or too oily. If the weather is affecting my skin, I’ll add on an extra moisturizer if need be. 

Basically, I only do a night time routine when I get home from work or school late and my face feels really gross. Since I shower at night I wash my face with a gentle cleanser in the shower. That’s usually it. 

Goal # 7: Face mask while you study ✓   Doing facemasks too often also negatively affects my skin as well. I normally do one when I’m with my friends or when my skin really needs it. 

Goal # 8: Drink more water ✖

Again, I need to do this way more often than I do. I think this is mainly because the water fountains at my school are utterly disgusting. I don’t know if it’s because our school is under construction, but it’s always been gross if I remember correctly. 

⊳ School

Goal #1: SAT Fee Waiver ✓ 

THIS SAVES LIVES. At my school, if you have free or reduced lunch, you get fee waivers for all sorts of things. AP Exams, Applications, even SAT Exams. You only get two for the SAT so you need to use them wisely. Most students don’t even know that their school offers fee waivers that either cover costs completely or reduce the fee. Make sure you ask, it doesn’t do any harm!

Goal #2: October SAT  ✓

I took the October SAT and got a 1050, which is way over than what the school I wish to go to is asking for. Then I retook the exam in June since I had one more waiver left, and I got a 1080. Now the college I want to go to has a 960 SAT Average and I needed at least a 500 on the Math and English portions to be exempt from the entrance exams.

Goal #3: Research application deadlines ✓ My school was a big help with this, especially since I’m starting at community college for my first two years. I’m accepted as a student and have already selected my classes, but there were some issues with my FASFA that I still need to resolve.  Goal #4: Check scholarship board ✓ My school was also a big help with this as well, they print out all the available scholarships for that month, the criteria, AND the due dates! All I had to do was complete the applications, no fishing for free money. 

Goal #5: Study at least 15 minutes a day ✓

I was strong with this with my first semester classes, since I enjoyed the work and had daily tasks I needed to do for one of the classes. When the second semester came, things changed. Most of my classes are easy, no homework and very little classwork that I got done early. All but AP Calc. 

The way my teacher is, he doesn’t grade the problem sets he assigns. He’ll give us class participation points if we are working in class, but the problems are mainly for our own benefit. I don’t let myself not do the problems just because I won’t get a grade I’m struggling in that class now and I do all that I can to bring my grade up, but it’s not really doing much. If this is the only class I fail, then I’m glad it's AP Calculus AB and not English or something. I don’t need calc to graduate or to still obtain scholarships, it was an extra class I regret taking. 

⊳ Misc.

Goal #1: Watch more Netflix when stressed ✓ I found that I’m not much of a TV or Show person unless it’s a really good show that I get hooked on. I’d much rather destress by having time to myself and browsing social media for hours.  Goal #2: Take your time with everything ✓ This allowed me to get better with time management, taking things slow, thinking carefully, and making myself okay with the idea of rescheduling plans. Goal #3: Think before you speak/act ✓ Doing this made me do things I was glad I did and knew I would never do if I hadn’t thought it out. I became the friend who would do and say the things everyone else was afraid of.  Goal #4: Try listening to others about their day ✓ This kind of went along with the goals #2 and #3 but this also worked out for me and I feel it made me somewhat of a better person??? Yea, just listen to people when they talk to you and ask them questions. Let them know you care about them, you don’t know how much it could raise their spirits.  Goal #5: Attend Coalition meeting (every third Friday) ✖ As much as I wanted to, I could not attend meetings. I didn’t have an adult representative from my school to escort me and possibly other students, therefore I could not attend meetings. 

~brianna

[wolfyred-ks]

Adrinette April 2019 Day 13

@adrinetteapril

Sorry for getting this done so late in the day. It’s my longest so far. I hope you all enjoy it!

Day 13 - Good luck

Here it was, the gawd awful hour of 9am on a Saturday. And Marinette was awake.

She was up to help her father take pastries over to an event at the park close to the bakery. He hadn’t told her what the event was, just that it was happening and he needed help. They had loaded boxes and boxes of various items on a flatbed dolly. There were 4 different kinds of muffins, croissants filled with chocolate, apples, strawberries and some plain. There were different types of scones and sweet biscuits, pain du chocolate and other sweet treats.

It turns out it was for the morning break of a photo shoot. She helped her dad set up a table for the various models and crew to snack from. As she helped she looked around to take it all in. One day when she was a famous designer, she’d be at a photo shoot like this for her clothes.

“Marinette!” a voice called. She looked over to see Adrien walk over.

“A-adrien. Good see you this morning. I mean, good to see you this morning,” she stammered.

“Good morning. This is incredibly lucky. Your folks pastries are the best.” Adrien snagged a chocolate croissant and a raisin scone. Adrien gestured for Marinette to walk with him.

She looked at her dad. Since most of the table was set up he smiled and nodded. “You can stay for a bit, but don’t forget that you have homework to do. I’ll head back to the bakery when I’m done here.”

Marinette hugged him and walked after Adrien.

“This is a wonderful bright spot after the morning we’ve had.” Adrien raised the scone he was eating.

“Why? Have things not been going well?” Marinette asked, concerned.

Adrien sat down on a bench and Marinette sat down too. “Well nothing too bad. We’ve been here since before 6am for sunrise shots, I’m already a little tired and the fact that we don’t have proper changing areas is making things a little slow.”

Marinette looked around and noticed that a few models are lined up beside a very small curtained area. Some looking very cross.

Adrien continued, “We’re here doing a shoot for a new athletic line. There is sports wear and swimwear and running shoes. Unfortunately the truck that had the gear for the temporary changing areas hasn’t shown up and no one has been able to get a hold of them. Someone found some drop cloths but there is only 1 changing area and it only has enough space for 1 person at a time. This makes it slow going between scenes. Plus the clothes weren’t organized properly and the person who was to do that was on the missing truck.”

Marinette thought for a moment. “Hey, I have a bunch of fabric that I haven’t gotten around to using. I could get some rope or string and maybe make 1 or 2 more changing areas. Would that help?”

Adrien’s eyes lit up. “That would be great.”

Marinette ran home and grabbed the fabric pieces that would be big enough for a changing area. She was hunting around for some string when her mom came up. Sabine told Marinette where some thin rope was and even mentioned that Marinette could take a set of bed sheets as long as she made sure they came back at the end of the shoot.

Marinette grabbed all the stuff up, along with some clips, and rushed back to the park. In no time her and a crew member had set up 3 more areas between the trees that the models could change in. It was a little ways from the area they were shooting in, but it was so much better than not having enough changing space.

Marinette also asked if she could help organize the clothes. They didn’t need her to help the models get ready but they would appreciate it if she could sort the clothes into the proper outfits according to the master list. She managed to finish that in about half an hour.

She found Adrien and she told him that she needed to get home do some of her homework.

“Thanks, Marinette. Things should go much smoother with the extra changing ares and the sorted clothes.” He smiled at her and she melted inside.

Marinette ran off and worked on her homework. He mom called her down for lunch. Tom asked her if she could go back to the shoot and see if everything had been eaten yet. There were to bring another lot of pastries later that afternoon for an afternoon snack time too. He wanted to make sure he would be bring stuff the crew and models had liked.

She ran back to the park and wandered over to the shoot again. She saw Adrien and some models sitting at a small table eating lunch.

“Adrien,” she called out and he waved at her to come over. She came up to the table.

“Marinette, this is Claude, Colette, Vivian and Dana. Guys this is Marinette. She’s the one who brought the material for the extra changing area and organized the outfits.” Adrien pointed to the 2 older teens and adults in order.

Everyone voiced their thanks.

Vivian got up and actually hugged her. “Thank you so much. If it weren’t for you Dana over there would be hogging the change room too much.”

“Well excuse me if I like to make sure my outfit is completely on before running out.” Dana stuck out her tongue playfully.

Claude and Adrien laughed. Colette gently tittered behind a raised hand.

Adrien stood up, “Marinette, do you have time to walk around a bit. I can show you what’s going on.”

Marinette blushed and nodded.

“Smooth move Agreste.” Claude said, “Keep her all to yourself.”

Adrien blushed a bit and tried to ignore Claude. He gestured to Marinette to proceed him and he showed her around a little. The truck with the changing area gear had finally made it’s way to the park, but since Marinette’s solution was up they don’t bother to switch it around.

They came across an area where a few of the crew were looking at a portable generator.

“This is the latest hold up on the set.” Adrien frowned. “Just before lunch it conked out and we now have an extended lunch until it gets fixed. Or another can be brought over.”

“What’s it for? Marinette enquired.

“We’ve got some coloured lights and a wind machine that need to be operable for the next shots. Fake the look of us doing some extreme racing.” He explained.

Marinette kept back and looked at the generator. She thought for a moment and hesitantly asked, “Is that a Loncin 1900 DDC?”

One of the crew members looks at the model number and says, “No it’s a 4900 DDC.”

Marinette thought for a moment, “If you don’t mind my advice, Dad had a 1900 DDC for a catering job last year. It would occasionally shut off too. We found that if you unplug everything, pull the start cord all the way out and prime it 3 times before letting the cord back in, it would start up after that.”

They talked amongst themselves for a moment and decided it wouldn’t hurt to try. They did it and, surprisingly, it worked. The crew thanked her and plugged everything back in to get set up again.

Adrien looked at Marinette with admiration. “Wow Marinette, you’re just helping us so much today. It’s so lucky that you’re nearby to help us out.”

Marinette blushed beet red. They wondered around for a bit while the crew got ready. They heard a shout from over where Vivian, Colette, Dana and Claude were. They rushed back.

They got back to see Vivian standing with coffee dripping down part of her cotton sport shirt. Dana had grabbed napkins and was trying to help her clean up. Claude was apologizing profusely, trying to pick up the cups he had knocked over.

Marinette yelled, “Don’t rub it Dana. Blot it. Get some vinegar to rinse it off.”

The group looked up to see Marinette and Adrien jog up. When they looked doubtful about the vinegar Adrien said, “She’s a designer. She works with fabric a lot. She knows some stuff.”

Marinette helped Vivian to pull the material away from herself. Colette grabbed fresh napkins and Claude raided the food truck from lunch for a vinegar bottle.

With Marinette and Colette working on the stain it came up pretty easily. As they cleaned Marinette remarked, “This actually works better if you have some dish soap to rub on the spot after you dab up what you can and before you start to rinse with the vinegar.”

One of the people managing the clothes came over and helped to dry off the shirt with a towel. After a bit of work the top was deemed fine for the shoot.

Adrien chuckled and said to Marinette, “We are so lucky you’ve come over today. You’ve been such a big help around here.”

Marinette blushed and stammered a bit under the praise. Adrien was called to the set and he ran off, waving at Marinette as he left.

Marinette took the opportunity to see what had been eaten from her folks pastries and reported back to her dad. Almost everything was gone. She finished her homework and then helped her dad to box up the next lot of food and went with him back to the shoot.

After setting up the table she wandered around again. She managed to catch a crew member as they tripped on a cable. Shooed off some birds before they could cause Adrien some problems. Caught a model as they tripped over a different cable. She also provided extra hands to hold a reflector disc for a shot with Colette.

After the afternoon break was done she helped her dad clean up the table and was about to leave when a voice rang out. “You are not going anywhere!”

She looked up shocked to see the photographer looking at her. She pointed to herself and mouthed, ‘Me?’

“Yes you.” Vincent said. “We had so many problems when you weren’t here and when you showed up, ‘Poof’, they were gone. You left and we had more problems. You’re back and everything is going right again. You are good luck for us. You are not leaving this set until we’re done.”

Marinette looked at her dad. He chuckled, “Go ahead. Stay if you want to. You would have to come back to get your fabric and our sheets anyway. We’ll see you when you’re done.”

“Thank you Papa!” Marinette hugged her dad and rushed to a spot close to where they were taking the pictures but not too close to be a bother. She was grinning from ear to ear.

During the rest of the afternoon and early evening she chatted with the models and crew. Watched Adrien with a goofy grin on her face. Blushed when Claude teased her about drooling over Agreste instead of him. Vivian and another model also teased her about fan-girling over Adrien.

“We happen to be in the same class at college. That’s how I know him.” She said, trying to make it sound less than important.

“It’s ok little one,” Vivian said. “First crushes are always the strongest. I won’t say anything more.” She patted Marinette on the shoulder.

Adrien wandered over with Claude and Dana, having finished their last shoot of the day.

Vivian turned to Adrien, “Marinette was just telling us that the two of you go to school together.”

“We do,” nodded Adrien. “We call her our everyday ladybug in class.”

Marinette blushed some more.

“Everyday Ladybug?” Vincent had walked over. “No wonder you’ve bought so much good luck to us today.”

Everybody grinned and agreed.

“Anyway, I came over to let you all know we are done for the day. Someone is getting your fabric together for you Marinette.” Vincent gestured over to the general area of the changing spaces she had provided.

Adrien asked, “Hey Vincent? Can we get a picture of the models and Marinette together for her?”

“After everyone changes into their regular clothes I see no problem.” Vincent agreed.

So after everyone changed they got together for a group shot, for Marinette. Some of the crew snuck in too since they had had fun with Marinette around.

Vincent looked over the few pictures he had taken. “I’ll get these printed up for you. I’ll give them and a digital copy to Adrien to give to you later this week. Is that ok?”

Marinette nodded and grinned. “Thank you so much. I had a great time today.”

Adrien picked up the fabric that someone had dropped off for Marinette. “I’ll help you get this home.”

Marinette walked beside Adrien as they went back to the bakery. She had no idea what to say so they walked in silence for a moment.

Finally Adrien said, “Thanks for today Marinette. Quite honestly, this was the best photo shoot I’ve every had. And I think it was because you were there.” He blushed a little bit and looked away.

“Thank you.” Marinette squeaked.

They walked in silence again until they got to the door of the bakery. Adrien handed over the fabric and said, “Thank you again Marinette. I’m really glad that you’re a friend of mine.” Their hands touched as she took the fabric from him. They both blushed again.

Adrien nodded and turned to leave, “See you at school on Monday.” He waved and walked to the car that was waiting for him.

“Bye,” Marinette called and waved back. “See you Monday.” She opened the door and went into the bakery.

[crimsonblackrose]

Now that I’ve moved to a city I decided that I should go do the things I want to do. I’m no longer tied down by how difficult it is to catch the bus. This includes going to festivals I want to see. With cherry blossom season in full swing I decided I wanted to see THE cherry blossom festival in Korea. It is, however in Jinhae, which is closer to Busan. (And thus far from me)

I thought I’d go on my own. Make a day trip or a weekend out of it. But then while talking to Gina, she mentioned she was going via WinK. I checked their Facebook events, found the tour and e-mailed them to see if there was any availability left. There was! Which meant I didn’t have to worry about getting there or getting back, or finding my way around. I didn’t have to find a place to stay last minute or worry about almost anything. I just had to pack and be at Seoul National University of Education Station Exit 14 at 10:30pm after work on Friday.

Here’s the schedule we had:

Friday/Saturday

10:30ish depart from in front of WINK taphouse. (short walk from exit 14)

Pick up people along the way to the Jimjilbang/motel after about 3 in the morning.

Meet at 8:15 back at the bus to go to the festival. (Receive muffins!)

9am-Jinhae festival

FREE TIME

11am- Leave Jinhae

1pm- arrive in Gyeongju and rent bikes

FREE TIME

5pm return bikes and head to hostel

6:30/7pm bbq dinner at hostel

8:00 night walk tour of tombs and Anapji pond

Sunday

7:30am Bagels and hot drinks

8am Bulguksa Temple/Namsan Hike

9:30am Seokguram Grotto

11am pick up everyone who tried to sleep in

12:30 Buffet lunch

6:30pm back in Seoul

Pretty busy trip for sure. I wasn’t particularly excited for Gyeongju as I’d already spent an entire Chuseok exploring the city my first year and nothing on our itinerary was new to me.

But this post will cover up through Jinhae. Gyeongju will be in a second post.

First thing was the long journey from Seoul to our Jimjilbang. Practically everyone slept during the bus ride, including our guides. We stopped at a couple spots to pick people up throughout the night/ early morning and there was one “rest stop” included in that. The rest stop was really the bus picking someone up and the rest of us, who were awake, running into a nearby hotel to use their lobby bathroom.

I tried to sleep the rest of the time, grateful I’d brought my eye mask, until our bus driver started yelling. We were making our way up hill and he got stuck due to traffic and seemed rather unhappy. It took a moment for our guides to rouse and in a dazed way figure out why he was unhappy. Turns out the jimjilbang was up a hill and our driver refused to go the rest of the way. So (late) we unboarded and made our way up the steep hill at 4am. Not fun. We all huddled on the steps as our guide tried to get us in. The front desk at first told us that there wasn’t any space available. But our guide reminded them we had a reservation and started calling off our names in groups of threes to collect our jimjilbang pajamas and locker key.

This was my first time staying at a jimjilbang. I’ve heard about them countless times before. Everyone calls them spas and they’re known as a cheap alternative to a hotel/motel/hostel to stay at in South Korea. So cheap, that everyone told me they only cost a couple thousand won. (a couple bucks) When I heard that this one was 10,500 won I thought, oh it must be nice and fancy. It was also much cheaper than staying at the motel which was where or bus had driven off to and which cost about 35,000 won extra.

I headed off with the other ladies on our trip to the women’s locker room and dropped off my shoes in the shoe locker and then my stuff in the big locker. Both went with the number on the key band and then I separated from the rest of the group to head downstairs to take a shower.

For some reason I thought there’d be more. I don’t know why, but I thought toiletries would be included. Or at least more than communal bars of soap.  The ground felt grimy and I really wished I had shower shoes. A couple other people headed down with me and I took, quite possibly the quickest shower in my life. I’m not sure if it’s different if you’re with a bunch of friends or if there’s more people and it’s less exhausting. There were pools or baths, but they were mostly drained and I really just wanted to go straight to bed. So I put on the pajamas, dropped my towels off in the used towel bin and headed upstairs.

The majority of the group had changed into their jimjilbang provided pajamas and headed upstairs to sleep earlier. Apparently there was a specific room for women and another for men that had been set aside for us. However when I got upstairs everyone had gone to sleep and I didn’t want to get too close to the bodies sleeping in various corners to inspect and see if any of them looked familiar. I found one of our guides laying down on some chairs, grabbed a very flat mat and made do near the water fountain.

I did not sleep. I couldn’t. It was too hot. People kept getting up and walking past. Many people were loudly snoring. I was also at the first stages of getting sick which was making me miserable and part of me wished I’d stayed on the bus. One girl from our tour got so fed up with all the sound that she grabbed her stuff and slept in the locker room, where she found a cockroach.

It might’ve been better in the lady only room, which I still don’t know where it was, or shelling out an extra 25,000 won for a motel room. But the people who stayed at the motel didn’t get much sleep either and had a lot of difficulty checking in and the ladies in the women only room ended up not getting much sleep either due to some snoring.

It also didn’t help that at 6am one of the ladies who ran the place decided to high pressure wash all the bathrooms near us and then take out the trash and shake it past everyone sleeping as she walked.

So eventually I gave up, got up, retrieved my stuff from my locker, tried to charge my poor phone, dropped off my key at the desk and then stood outside to wait with everyone else for the bus.

Stay at a Jimjilbang in Korea check. Am I fan? …nope. (However I did miss out on probably everything that people do actually enjoy about jimjilbangs. But I also am not one who can handle heat)

  The first thing we got on the bus was our choice of muffin (from Costco) and then we headed to the festival. The muffins were good but several people also spotted the nearby McDonalds and before the bus left ran off to grab coffee and other less sweet breakfast items. (Gina was very kind and brought me back a hash-brown.)

Maps were passed out and our first stop would be to visit the train station which is only open during the festival. It’s the iconic photo anyone who goes to the festival takes. It was also the furthest away from everything else we were going to do and the thing we had the shortest amount of time for. There were flower crowns being sold everywhere with the sneaky way of being sold as the sellers would just walk up and put them on peoples heads and then be like “Oh so pretty~”.  The safest way to avoid this was beating them to the punch and buying one from someone else.

The Korail cherry blossom train is only available to visit during the festival. The area is pretty crowded but if you have time they set out lawn chairs so you can relax, almost lay down and watch them fall around you. It was absolutely stunning. But also very very crowded.

There’s a line to get pictures with the train depending on when you go. I didn’t want to bother with the line. I was worried about our time. I like being on time and I do get concerned about being left behind on tours. So I grabbed a picture of just the train with the cherry blossoms and I was quite happy.

I was also on the hunt for cherry blossom bread and was determined to find some. I wanted to bring some home to my new coworkers as well as try some. I didn’t find any at the train location, only general street food that I can find anywhere in Korea.

Gina on the other hand really wanted her picture in front of the train, and got in line, but we ran out of time so I ran to see when the bus was leaving only to find it leaving.

Problem: I had the map. My goal was elsewhere. Gina didn’t have the map. Her goal was a picture in front of the train. So she stayed to get her picture and I got on the bus. It was  a bit stressful, trying to figure out how to tell her where we were with my dying battery (remember how I didn’t charge it the entire time we were at the jimjilbang???…yeah) So I stayed close to our guide as we headed to the next spot to try and somehow put the two of them in touch, since he could better tell her where we were and how to get to where we were going.

Our next stop was the stream….which was underwhelming. A lot of the cherry blossoms weren’t yet in full bloom yet. There was very little water in the stream and despite how I ran up and down along either side of it, no cherry blossom bread to be found. Meanwhile Gina met subscribers and got her picture. She also found a free shuttle which took her directly to the area we were in, was able to find an uncrowded side street where the cherry trees were in full bloom and was having a delightful time on her own.

Highlight of my trip at the stream? I did find cherry blossom ice cream.  It was 3,000 won and delightful.

I also found a shop selling cherry blossom coffee with art of the festival on it, so I bought some as a “worse case scenario” back up gift for my coworkers. (Ended up giving it to the principal and vice principal and they loved it) I found information desk after information desk, showed them the bread I was looking for and they sent me “left and up the stairs”, “across the street and to the right”, “down that way past the intersection next to the bank”, “around the corner”, and no matter who I asked, no matter which way I went I couldn’t find the bakery that made them. Concerned about being left behind (the bus didn’t wait a second for Gina) I gave up and returned to the bus. I ended up so early that I was the first one aboard and I just collapsed in my seat and tried to cool off.

Where was the bread? Why was I sent all over downtown looking for it in conflicting directions? Turns out the bakery had made little pop up tents where they were selling the bread. I know this because I saw one of the tents as our bus drove away from Jinhae.

So was the tour worth it? (For the Jinahae section?) I’ve got mixed feelings. I feel like on the one hand it made it very easy to get in and out of the festival. We had a map to where everything of importance was. However due to the time crunch it made it difficult to actually accomplish anything. If you just want to go and see the flowers, it’s perfect. If you actually want to get specific pictures or buy something specific…a little less easy.  It depends on what you want to do.  I’m glad I went but there’s also free shuttles during the festivals that will take you to all the highlights of the festival. So part of me does somewhat wish I’d stayed in Busan and then gone to the festival in my own time and with more sleep. But that’s because I understand enough Korean to navigate public transportation on my own and would’ve liked to have slowed down and smelled the flowers.

Jinhae Cherry Blossom Tour 진해국항제 Now that I've moved to a city I decided that I should go do the things I want to do.

[toumakibangs]

°*TouMaki - Advent Calendar 2018*° DAY 18 - “BAKING” (”Character A can’t go home for Christmas, so they invite over their grumpy loner neighbour Character B”)   by @evvazi 

Mod’s Note: There’s a fine line between “Sharing the cheer” and “Shoving Christmas down people’s throat”. Toudou and Makishima hold different opinions on where that line falls. At least at first. Nothing a batch of cookies can’t fix… Thanks for making the sweetness literal, @evvazi!

Author’s Notes: “I love baking christmas cookies so toumaki get to do that too! Our family recipe, no less! And I used the side prompt ‘character A can’t go home for christmas so they invite over their grumpy loner neighbour character B’ because it sounded like a toumaki kind of prompt. I hope everyone has a very toumaki advent!”

While most people enjoyed a break during the holidays toward the end of the year, it was an incredibly busy time for a fashion designer like Makishima. Christmas brought with it an array of possible sales from sexy Santa costumes to ugly Christmas sweaters. His brother insisted he had a talent for making the latter, which Makishima didn’t agree with, but he was fine with them if it meant he didn’t have to design the former.

Needless to say, he’d barely slept the past weeks, but now, on the 24th of December, everything had to be done, and whatever wasn’t wouldn’t get done anymore. But he still didn’t have much time to rest. New Years was coming up, and he still needed to finalize some designs for that, especially something “fancy and inspired by traditional wear” that he could show off at the New Years gala he was invited to attend. His brother had accepted the invitation for him, saying it was a great chance to make their Japanese branch more widely known, while totally ignoring that ‘traditional’ was exactly everything Makishima’s designs were not.

He wasn’t making any progress on that though, so he’d taken on the equally unpleasant task of answering to e-mails that were asking about statements for some of his previous designs or just his whole work of the past year, all aiming to include them in some kind of article that reviewed the year as it came to an end. Words weren’t his forte, so Makishima had procrastinated answering, meaning they were now piling up in his inbox.

Just as he’d copy-pasted his usual polite greeting and intro text that he only slightly modified by adding names and other relevant info into the spaces left for them, his doorbell rang. Makishima’s first instinct was to ignore it. He wasn’t expecting any online deliveries, and he hadn’t ordered takeout yet either. Maybe he should soon, it was already pitch-black outside now that he paid attention. But then, it was only 5:30pm, so no need to rush.

The doorbell rang again. Damn, seemed like he actually had to answer the door if he wanted to continue working in peace.

He realized the mistake in his logic as soon as he opened the door. How could he work in peace if the man standing at his door was the definition of annoying? While Makishima didn’t know his name, he still recognized his next-door-neighbour. He was the kind of guy who looked annoyingly cheery when going for his morning jog at 6am, which Makishima only ever witnessed when he’d pulled an all-nighter and was making himself coffee or a snack in the kitchen. He also had the annoying habit of vacuum cleaning his apartment every Sunday between 8am and 9am, a time at which Makishima would really love to be asleep. Knowing they were just too different to ever get along, Makishima had blown off every one of the other’s attempts at conversation and generally tried to avoid running into him.

“Merry Christmas!” His neighbour beamed at him, but Makishima only stared back with a grumpy expression.

“It’s only the 24th.”

“And it’s evening, isn’t it? So it’s Christmas Eve!”

Makishima sighed. He didn’t want to have such a pointless argument. “Fine. Christmas. Can I help you with something?” Maybe he just wanted to borrow something and Makishima could get this over with really quick if he handed it over or didn’t have it either.

“Yes! Or well, actually, it’s more like I’ll be helping you!” Makishima stared blankly at his neighbour. He… really didn’t need any help…? But the guy smiled at him with utmost confidence. “You see, I work from home a lot, so I couldn’t help but notice that you don’t leave your house a lot, and nobody ever comes to visit you either. And, worst of all, you order takeout almost every day! That’s terrible for your health! So, since nobody should be alone on Christmas, and you could definitely use some fresh, healthy food, I’ve decided to invite you over! What do you say?”

“Actually, I’m still working, and there’s a lot that I still have to do…” That wasn’t a lie, and it seemed like a great way to turn his neighbour down without being too rude. He had half a mind to call him out on knowing way too much about Makishima’s habits, like some kind of stalker, but it was a fact that their kitchen windows both faced in the direction of the walkway to their apartment complex. If he spent time in his kitchen regularly, he was bound to see the deliveries Makishima got. And notice the lack of people coming over. Even Makishima couldn’t help but notice that Toudou had lots of people coming to visit him. Mostly pretty girls. He’d seen some of them multiple times as well, and silently wondered if one of them was his neighbour’s girlfriend. Especially since they sometimes stayed the night. Not that he cared, of course, but it was fun to imagine there was some kind of drama going on there, like a love triangle or his neighbour secretly having multiple girlfriends at once.

“Nonsense!” His neighbour’s shrill voice startled him out of his thoughts. “It’s Christmas! Nobody should be working unless it’s absolutely necessary. And you need to take regular breaks anyway. I can sweeten the deal for you too, how about we bake Christmas cookies together, and when we’re done, you can take some home with you.”

“You’re not letting me get out of this, are you?”

“Nope!”

“I don’t even know your name.”

“Toudou Jinpachi. And you could’ve known, I introduced myself to you before, right after you moved in!”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t care enough to remember it.”

That made Toudou pout, but it didn’t make him leave or retract his offer. With his last resort plan of being rude having failed as well, Makishima resigned himself to his fate. He wasn’t one to turn down an excuse to procrastinate or an offer of free food anyway, and this was both in one. So even if Toudou gave him a headache in the process, it might still be worth it in the end.

“Fine. Just let me save my stuff, I’ll be over in five minutes.”

Toudou left with a beaming smile on his face. Sighing, Makishima went to turn off his pc, and then to brush his hair and put on some decent clothes. This was probably going to be awkward regardless of what he did, but he didn’t need to add to that by looking like he just fell out of bed. Toudou always looked flawless, the difference would just be too great.

Only when he rang Toudou’s doorbell a little bit over five minutes later did it dawn on him that he could’ve just not gone over. Well, too late now.

Toudou opened the door within seconds, eagerly inviting him inside and directing him towards the kitchen, as if his apartment didn’t have the exact same layout as Makishima’s own. All the appliances you might need for baking were already spread out on the kitchen table, so Toudou had probably planned to do it from the start. Everything else was meticulously cleaned and stowed away properly. Somehow, Makishima didn’t doubt Toudou’s kitchen always looked like this, completely opposite to his own.

“Maybe now is a good time to mention that I’ve never baked anything before.” Makishima could cook some easy meals, but all he’d ever used his oven for was baking finished stuff like pizza or lasagne. He wasn’t a big enough fan of sweets to make them for himself, and for most of his life, he could just get all the baked goods he ever wanted from Tadokoro’s bakery. Nothing he could ever make himself would live up to that, anyway.

“No problem! Anyone can bake with a recipe, and the cookies we’re making aren’t all that difficult. Besides, I’m a fantastic baker, so you can just ask me if there’s anything you don’t understand or need help with. Back home, we made these with the neighbourhood children, and they always turned out great, so I know it’s foolproof.”

Great, so if he fucked up, he was officially worse than a bunch of children.

“Alright, so what do we do first?”

“Gotta measure and mix all the ingredients for the dough. You can start with the flour.” Toudou handed him a jar filled with flour – who the hell kept their flour in a jar instead of just using the bag it came with? – and weirdly shaped transparent cup with all kinds of writing on it. On closer inspection, those turned out to be measurements. It had litre, which was to be expected, but also various common baking ingredients like sugar and flour, measured in gram. Makishima had no idea something like this existed. Fascinated, he began shovelling flour into the cup. Because of course there was a designated spoon to do just that in the jar.

Once he had 250g, like Toudou had told him, he looked around. “Do you have a bowl for this?”

“No, just pour it on the table. That’s what all the space is for. Just make a nice little mountain and then make a small crater on the top, like a volcano.”

“That doesn’t sound right.” He snatched the recipe book from Toudou’s hands and looked at the instructions himself. To his surprise, the recipe did essentially say what Toudou had said, even if it didn’t use the word volcano. The recipe had also been altered with a pen and there were annotations all over. Maybe Toudou really knew what he was doing? Makishima had sort of assumed he was just bragging when he said he was a fantastic baker. Then again, the recipe book looked like it might be older than Toudou himself, so maybe this had been passed down to him like this.

Ignoring Toudou’s smug grin, Makishima made the flour volcano. Then they proceeded to add all the other ingredients. Sugar, vanilla sugar, rum, cinnamon, clove and whip cream that hadn’t been whipped yet. The dry ingredients were put on the sides of the volcano, while the fluid ones were poured into the crater. Makishima had to admit that it was a smart way to keep them in one place without a bowl.

Lastly, Makishima was delegated to cutting butter into slices and putting them onto the sides, while Toudou carefully cracked an egg and dripped the white part into the volcano crater. The yellow part went into another cup and was put aside. Glancing at the recipe, he could see that they’d use it later. He also noticed Toudou had left the eggs on the counter the entire time, unlike all the other ingredients, and hadn’t asked him whether he wanted to do the butter or the egg. So he probably wasn’t trusted to cleanly separate the egg. Toudou really was treating this like baking with the neighbourhood kids. Sure, he’d said he couldn’t bake, but it was kind of annoying that Toudou seemed to think of this as some kind of community service. Just because his friends lived either in Chiba or in England and therefore didn’t often come to visit him didn’t mean that he didn’t have any. He wasn’t lonely. Definitely not lonely enough to need his neighbour to take pity on him and spend time with him just because of some holiday.

Makishima pushed those thoughts down. He was starting to actually have fun, more thanks to the baking than to Toudou, so it was better to just focus on that. If he cut up the butter with more fervour than strictly necessary after Toudou had mixed the liquid ingredients with flour, that was just him having fun and being thorough.

At least, Toudou was pleased that he was so motivated. Kneading the dough was next. Makishima wasn’t sure he was doing it right, the flour was all over the place and pieces of butter kept sticking to his fingers and the whole thing just didn’t look like dough, but Toudou told him to keep going while he started on dinner prep, and to tell him if his arms got tired or he thought he was done.

Silence fell over the room. Just as Makishima was starting to feel weird about it and wondered whether he should initiate conversation somehow, Toudou started talking on his own. About how he’d made these cookies with his mother as a kid, and then later with the neighbourhood kids, who were much more excited than Makishima but much less helpful, and about his high school friends who’d been over yesterday and had eaten all the cookies, even the ones he’d stashed away to bring home to his family – “leave it to Shinkai to find any and all food in the house and devour it without asking and then still complain there’s not enough.”

Makishima just let it wash over him, grateful that he didn’t have to do any talking himself. Half his concentration was focused on the dough, which still didn’t look like dough. Had he even made progress at all? It kept falling apart, and too much of it still just looked like pure flour that just wouldn’t stick to the rest of it. Maybe he was doing something wrong? His arms were starting to hurt, too.

When Toudou asked him how it was going, all he could do was shrug. “I don’t think I did anything, to be honest…”

Toudou poked the dough. “No, you definitely made some progress! But it’s taking longer than I thought…” Then, out of the blue, Toudou grabbed his hand. It felt slightly weird with the flour and butter of the dough still sticking to Makishima’s hand, but Toudou’s hand was warm and soft, and Makishima could feel a blush creeping onto his cheeks.

Before he could do anything except panic internally, Toudou frowned. “Your hands are way too cold, no wonder this is going so slow. Let me take over for a bit, and if you wanna do the finishing touches, wash your hands with warm water right before so they’re nice and warm.”

Makishima nodded, and yanked his hand back from Toudou with just a little too much force. After washing his hands to get rid of everything that stuck to it, he settled against the kitchen counter. Toudou picked up the conversation again, elaborating on his earlier story about his friends. But this time, Makishima didn’t have anything to do, so he just watched Toudou work.

He was kneading the dough expertly, like Makishima had seen in passing in Tadokoro’s bakery. The dough was still crumbling beneath his fingers though.

Makishima let his gaze wander higher, up Toudou’s surprisingly toned arms to where the tips of his silky black hair brushed against his shoulders. Makishima might have admitted that the headband on top was a practical choice for baking, but he knew Toudou always wore one, so he probably just liked the silly things and just got lucky it served a purpose for once. But then, Makishima wasn’t in any position to say something against outlandish fashion choices, so finally, he settled his gaze on Toudou’s face. His lips were constantly moving, forming themselves around an endless array of words that Makishima was paying less and less attention to. Toudou’s purple eyes were alive with emotion, excitement and affection and annoyance, and Makishima couldn’t help but wonder how they’d look fixated on him, even more intense emotions swirling in them, emotions you wouldn’t show towards your friends…

“Alright!”

Makishima was startled out of his thoughts and immediately chastised himself for ogling Toudou so openly. This was still the annoying guy who woke up early and probably had multiple girlfriends! Makishima had already known he was also annoyingly handsome, no need to act so desperate.

“Now it’s almost done, so you can do the rest, Maki-chan!”

He turned away, using the excuse to wash his hands with warm water like Toudou had suggested before to hide his embarrassment. Then he realized what Toudou had said. “Maki-chan, really? What’s that supposed to be?”

“Your nickname, obviously! You’re already in my kitchen and baking with me, so no need to be formal, right? You can give me one too!”

“…Headband, then.”

“Hey!” Toudou pouted, making Makishima laugh.

“What? You’re wearing one every time I see you.”

“Well, yeah! It’s one of my distinguishing features, to bring out my natural beauty! But you still can’t call me that because… because Arakita already does! Yeah! It’s his nickname for me! Too bad, but it’s already taken!”

That didn’t sound convincing, but Makishima just shrugged. “Your name will have to do then, Toudou.”

Makishima focused back on the dough, ignoring Toudou’s sputtering. It was finally looking like dough, only a few pieces of butter where still not properly mixed with the rest. Maybe he should have paid attention to see how that change was possible instead of staring at Toudou’s face.

Five minutes later, they deemed the dough to be finished, and Toudou wrapped it in plastic foil and placed it in the fridge. “Now we have to wait about half an hour, but there’s still plenty to do! You can start by taking the trays out of the oven and setting it to 175° so it starts heating up. And then you can smear some butter on the trays. I’ll clean up what we don’t need anymore and finish dinner prep so we just have to heat everything up once we’re done.”

Makishima followed the instructions, but unsurprisingly, he was done way before Toudou. So he stood around awkwardly, knowing he couldn’t really be a help with what Toudou was doing. He didn’t know where anything in Toudou’s kitchen was supposed to be, and a quick glance over to the counter with dinner confirmed he had no idea what was going on there either. He couldn’t even name half the vegetables that were spread out, much less guess what to do with them.

Thankfully, Toudou started talking again. “So, while I’m working, why don’t you tell me something about yourself? I’ve only been talking about myself the entire time!”

He honestly sounded like he had just now noticed that. And here Makishima had thought he was trying to be helpful after he’d realized Makishima didn’t really know what to say. Instead, he was just dense. Or he liked talking about himself too much. Possibly both.

“Uhhhhhhh… like what?”

“Anything! Like what you do for a living. Or something about your family. Where are you from? Do you have siblings?”

“Um, yeah. I work as a fashion designer for the Japanese branch of my older brother’s brand.”

Toudou turned to look at him, giving him a once-over. “A fashion-designer?”

Ah. There it was. The disbelieving, disapproving tone of voice he always got. It wasn’t like he’d expected anything else from standard-beauty Toudou. Barely anyone understood his work. “What? Got a problem with that?” he shot back, more annoyed than he’d thought he’d be.

“No!” Toudou brought his arms up defensively. “I just wasn’t expecting it, even though it totally makes sense with how you dress! Like, I’ve never seen anyone wear anything like your wardrobe! It’s creative, and it makes you stand out!”

Uncomfortable silence fell over the room. Makishima couldn’t help but notice that Toudou hadn’t said anything necessarily positive about his style, and he knew Toudou probably still thought it was ugly, but at least he’d been sort of polite and honest about it. That was more than what Makishima usually got. He’d take it.

“So, what about you?”

Toudou looked at him, confused.

“What do you do for a living? Are you a chef or something? Can’t say I know anything about cooking but that-“ he gestured vaguely towards all the ingredients and tools spread on the counter “-looks kind of professional.”

“You think so?” Toudou beamed. “I’m a nutritionist, though. But my family owns a ryokan – Toudou-an, the best ryokan in all of Hakone, with perfect service and relaxing hot springs, you should come visit some time, I’ll give you a discount! What was I about to say? Oh yeah, I learned how to cook from my mom and the professional chefs there from a young age, so my skills are top-notch!”

Makishima decided to ignore the obvious bragging and exaggerated advertisement. “So you’re a nutritionist, but you’re still making sweets? Aren’t they unhealthy? I distinctly remember that we added twice the amount of sugar than what the recipe originally said, too.”

“Yes? There’s nothing wrong with eating sweets. And if you’re gonna put in so much effort anyway, they might as well actually be sweet and not just bland like in the original recipe. Two tablespoons of sugar is no problem, especially not spread across multiple people on multiple days. People always act like sugar is totally evil, but in truth, it’s healthy as long as you eat it in the right doses, mixed with plenty of other stuff.”

It dawned on Makishima that he’d made a mistake. It had only been ten minutes since the dough was put in the fridge. Twenty more to go. They were filled completely with Toudou ranting about all the misconceptions people had about proper nutrition. Makishima didn’t care at all, he honestly knew that his diet was unhealthy but he just didn’t want to make any effort to better it. But Toudou talked over any attempt of him to change the subject, to Makishima resigned himself to his fate.

Finally, twenty minutes later, the dough saved him. Toudou cut it in half and rolled it out on the table, telling Makishima to pay attention so he could do it with the other half of the dough once they were done with the first part.

Then, Toudou emptied a bag of cookie cutters on the table. “I don’t want to have to wash all of these, so I thought we’d just use the Christmas-y ones, but if you like one or two of the others, we can use those too.”

Toudou started sorting out which ones were Christmas themed – a star, a Christmas tree, a shooting star, an angel, a reindeer – while Makishima looked over the others. In the end, he chose a hippo, because why not, and a bat, because it’d be great to have a Christmas cookie in the shape of Halloween’s symbol. Toudou added a flower as his own personal not-Christmas choice, then put all the other ones away.

Cutting out the cookies turned out to be quite fun, especially once he copied Toudou’s technique to press down the cutter with his flat palm and then wiggle it around a bit to properly separate the cookie from the rest of the dough without damaging it. Besides, Toudou had stopped talking and made an adorably concentrated face as he tried to figure out how to best get all the different shapes to fit together so the least amount of dough would be left over.

Makishima got to mash those leftovers back together and mix them with the second half of the dough while Toudou put their cookies on the oven tray. They had to be decorated before they could be baked though, so that half had to wait. Instead, Makishima finally got to use the yellow part of the egg that had been left over earlier. He painted the cookies with it, using a brush specifically meant for baking, something else he’d never even heard of and definitely didn’t possess. Toudou spread sugar crystals on the cookies, which took much longer than painting the cookies, especially since he had to pick any crystal that fell off a cookie back up so it wouldn’t get baked to the tray. Makishima helped him once he was done, carefully grabbing the crystals out of the bowl Toudou had placed between them.

It was honestly kind of tedious, and Makishima had a hard time not being hyper-aware of the fact that his fingers brushed against Toudou’s every so often.

Once they were done, the cookies were placed in the oven for about 10-15 minutes. Toudou pulled up the second tray, and it was rinse and repeat with the second half of the dough. The only difference was the leftover part, which Toudou rolled into a sausage shape and then cut into circles.

They didn’t quite finish the second tray before the first one was done baking, but Makishima just kept going with the sugar while Toudou pulled the hot cookies out of the oven.

Once the second tray was in, Toudou quickly pulled up pots and pans to start cooking their dinner. Again, Makishima could do nothing but watch. Toudou eventually noticed he was just standing around awkwardly and showed him where to find bowls and chopsticks so he could fill them with rice once the rice cooker was done and carry them over to the coffee table in the living room. Toudou didn’t seem too happy to be eating there instead of in the kitchen – less space, less comfortable and a floor that was harder to clean – but the kitchen table was still dirty and full of baking utensils.

Makishima filled the bowls once the rice cooker beeped to announce it was done, then carried them over to the living room. He took the time to look around a bit instead of going straight back. As expected, Toudou’s apartment was clean even outside the kitchen, but there were plenty of personal items strewn around the room. The walls were decorated with copies of famous Japanese paintings, along with some calligraphy. There was also a giant photo of a traditional house, which the sign over the door identified as Toudou-an. He had to admit, it did look nice.

Below it, plenty of photos of Toudou were put on display on a dresser. Makishima saw him in two different school uniforms, and with what had to be his family at a shrine, and even with the girls Makishima sometimes saw when they came to visit. His theory of the secret multiple girlfriends fell through with this, as they all seemed to know each other. Still, Makishima couldn’t help but notice that Toudou was always surrounded by people, and always vary obviously actively trying to be in the middle of the photo and striking a pose. He really couldn’t fathom why a guy like that had developed enough of an interest in him of all people to invite him over. And on what he declared to be Christmas, too.

He was still mulling it over when Toudou arrived with the rest of their food, but forgot about it for a moment, busy appreciating the luxurious dinner spread before him. Alongside the rice, there was miso soup, two different vegetable dishes – one hot, one cold, and he really should try and learn what these were – and fried fish. When was the last time he’d had rice with more than two side dishes? It must’ve been when he was still living at home, and even then, he often had western food.

It all tasted great, too. When Toudou excitedly asked how it was, all he answered with was “Fine.” He didn’t want to inflate his obviously already large ego any more, but Toudou ignored his effort, taking it as a compliment and proceeding to detail just how great he was for making it.

In turn, Makishima ignored him, instead focusing on the food. Only when most of it was gone did he remember what he’d been thinking about before. He just didn’t understand what Toudou was trying to do.

“Why did you invite me over?” Maybe he could figure it out even if Toudou didn’t answer with the entire truth.

“I already told you, didn’t I? You shouldn’t be alone on Christmas. I just wanted to be nice, and I think it worked out great.”

Well, it had gone much better than Makishima expected, but he still didn’t see why Toudou wouldn’t rather spend time with his friends or family.

“Ah. You just didn’t want to be alone on Christmas yourself. For some reason, you’re not home in Hakone, and your friends were already here yesterday, probably because they’re going home for Christmas. The only one left is the neighbour who never leaves his apartment or has anyone over. I see how it is now.”

“T-that’s not how it is at all!” But Toudou didn’t provide any other explanation, so it probably was exactly like that. Somehow, Makishima liked it way better than Toudou pitying him.

“So, why aren’t you home?”

“Because I’m scheduled to work on the 26th already, and it’s not worth it to go back home for two days in the middle of holiday season while everyone is incredibly busy and I get more time off during New Years anyway, so I’ll be home then. But I’m still not lonely!”

“Sure.”

“Sheesh, is it really that hard to believe I thought you looked like an interesting guy and it’d be a waste if you stayed holed up all by yourself, when you could also be at least my friend?”

Makishima could feel a blush creeping back onto his cheeks. Interesting? At least his friend? “That’s. That’s not what you said so far.”

At least Toudou looked just as embarrassed about it as Makishima felt. But he didn’t respond, and that wasn’t good for Makishima’s thoughts who wanted to spread out in every direction this could possibly lead to. It was just weirdly phrased. He needed to say something. Change the topic. Crush any hope in his dumb gay heart before it got away again.

“Uh, you know, I wanted to ask this for a while now, but which one of these girls that always come to visit you is your girlfriend?” There. That should do it. A smooth change of topic that could simultaneously clear everything up. Makishima was a little proud of himself for finding the right thing to say for once.

“What? None of them. They’re my friends from college. Almost exclusively girls only because nutrition is the kind of subject way more girls than guys major in. We’re still pretty close even after graduating, but it’s purely platonic. I’m pretty good at making friends only with girls who don’t want to date me even when most girls do. So I never have to turn down anyone I actually care about and make things awkward because I’m just not interested.”

Just not interested? Just not interested? In what? A relationship? Romance in general? Sex? Girls?

He’d been wrong. This was not helping. This was making things worse. He should stop saying things forever. Just go home. They were done eating and baking anyway maybe he could excuse himself to get back to work.

Before he could decide, Toudou got up without a word and started taking their dishes back to the kitchen. Just when Makishima wondered if he should get up and help or not and which one Toudou would consider rude, Toudou came back with a plate of the cookies they’d made.

He placed them in front of Makishima with a grin. “Some sweets for the sweet guy?”

“Was. Was that a pickup line?” Makishima burst out laughing. Toudou had said something so stupid with such confidence, there was no way he could not laugh.

“Hey, stop laughing, Maki-chan! It was perfectly smooth and relevant to the situation!”

“It was terrible. No wonder you’re single.” Makishima still had trouble breathing, wheezing between sentences and breaking out into giggles again when he was done talking. Until his brain caught up to what was happening. “Wait, so it was a pickup line? An actual, genuine one?”

“What else would it be?” There was a definite blush on Toudou’s cheeks as well now. He sounded like a petulant child, but maybe that was just how he got when he was embarrassed.

Makishima shrugged. “How would I know? Maybe you’re just a weird guy who says weird things.” He took one of the cookies, biting off the angel’s head. It really was sweet, and the soft cookie with the crunchy sugar on top was a good combination.

“These are good though, I should definitely take some home with me. Absolutely worth it talking to some weird guy for these. Maybe I’ll even talk to him again if he makes me dinner again. Or actually, maybe just letting me sit in this room will be enough, because I do need to work on something traditional and this is a much more fitting environment than my own home.”

Toudou just gawked at him, and even Makishima couldn’t really believe what he just said. Since when was he confident enough to invite himself over into the apartment of a handsome guy who was making advances on him?

“Uh… yeah, sure. You can come here tomorrow and work on your stuff. Or anytime when I’m not working. I can make dinner too?”

Yeah, Makishima definitely liked flustered Toudou. This was shaping up to be really fun. Sadly, with how the conversation was going, he’d probably have to leave soon, but he’d be back tomorrow.

When he had a nice box of cookies packed and Toudou brought him to the door to see him off, Makishima suddenly leaned forward and said “See you tomorrow then, Jinpachi” right into Toudou’s ear. The poor guy couldn’t even answer before Makishima left.

Toudou may have initiated whatever game it was they were playing, but round one definitely went to Makishima.

[hugs4harper-blog]

A letter from Mom...

Hey guys! I know it’s been pretty quiet here on Hugs4Harper lately and I apologize for that (Nikki does too!!). Currently, Harper is still trucking along here daily routine of treatment. She’s on a long treatment than last time, but here schedule is pretty consist and “uneventful” (besides all the tea parties, makeovers, and some pink hair). Nikki asked me to write a blog for all your HARPER HUGGERS, so you guys can get a taste of my everyday (WICKED EXCITING..) life...from my point of view.

Besides my everyday tea party schedule and make up appointment with the talented Harper, it pretty much all revolves around Harper’s schedule of treatment. So currently the portion of treatment that we are in is called CONSOLIDATION and it’s a 56 day treatment. The types of Chemo drugs that Harper is receiving vary sometimes week to week, but add up to about 5-6 different drugs during this round ( not 1, not 2, BUT 6). This round is broken into halves each lasting 28 days ( = 56 days). These first 28 days are made of treatment Tuesday- Friday each week. Every Tuesday we have to be in clinic by 9am ( after spending my nights with Harry I have to be up to get Harper ready...and we all know...I’M ALWAYS LATE) for her weekly spinal tap where she receives chemo into her spine as well as they remove spinal fluid each time to be sure there isn’t any Leukemia hiding out in there ( so far all spinal taps in the first 28 days have been NEGATIVE!) Now the next 28days is basically the same thing as the first half EXCEPT no weekly spinal taps which is HUGE for us! (NO  MORE DANCING ON HER BACK ..... )

For the past 28 days, every Monday, Jeff and I have been playing chaufer to get Harry to either VoVo Pavao or VoVo Reis....WE ARE LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE FAMILIES WHO CARE FOR US AND ARE WILLING TO TAKE TIME OFF WORK FOR US!!! Tuesday morning comes around and I have to pack a bag for Harper and myself to have “slumber parties” at the hospital. ( packing snacks, water, stuffiess, toys, games, and the IPad...WE CAN’T FORGET THE IPAD.... Harper’s numbing cream for her Port, and any doll she is a fan of that week). I wake up at 6am, shower and get myself ready, by 645am it was time to wake up…. SLEEPING BEAUTY. She is not a happy camper and never got use to having to be up so early, but we get it done. We have to be out of the house by 7:00/7:15am in order to hopefully make it to TUFTS by 9am. Harper is aware that Tuesdays are her procedure days so she of course can not eat until after it is done, which sometimes makes for a very LONG 2 hour car ride. On our way down 93 I have to pull over around 8:30am to apply her numbing cream to her skin around her port ( that car on the side of the highway with the crazy lady running around it....thats me). This cream will help lessen the pain of her getting accessed at the hospital and it is only good for about an hour so timing was everything for this MAGIC stuff! Once we arrive at TUFTS we will get to the clinic...Harper’s vitals would be done then… DUN DUN DUN!!! It was time to get accessed ( which means a needle would have to be inserted to her PORT so we could use it as her IV). Harper now is getting better at it BUT let me tell you the first couple times it was similar to an Exorcism (HOLD HER DOWN, MAKE SURE SHE IS CALM, SHE CAN’T MOVE, ALL WHILE SHE’S TRYING TO WATCH HER IPAD TO OCUPPY HER MIND)

It’s hard seeing your baby go through this pain and get so anxious, but I am proud of how far she has come because now she just sits there and watches it get done no problem!

Now once we are past this part Harper is examined as well as hooked up to fluids and her Chemo. Then comes her Spinal Tap! We are escorted down to the procedure room where everytime there is prize waiting on Harper’s bed for her! She always looks forward to seeing what toy she gets this week! Thank you to all the generous people who donate it really makes these kids day! Harper hops onto the bed and the room is now full of myself 3 nurses and 2 doctors. I hold Harper’s hand as the Anesthesiologist starts to administer medication to put her to sleep. 

IT NEVER GETS OLD. I cry each time seeing my baby go to sleep, but she now knows that it’s her nap time.

About 30 mins go by and the procedure is done. I get to go back into the room before Harper wakes up that way it’s like I never left her side once she awakes. At this time it is usually 12:30/1:00pm. And depending on the week of treatment sometimes we are done at this point for the day and sometimes we have to go back to clinic to receive another drug and we won’t leave until around 4:00pm. (These are long days for a 4 year old and it’s not always easy for her, but we get it done.)

Once we are done for the day it’s time to head to Harry and pick him up. Now depending on the time traffic can be BRUTAL! And when all is said and done we don’t get home until around 7pm ( after being out of the house at 7am). We get home I still have to feed Harry give him a bath, feed Harper, and sometimes still make us some dinner. Jeff sometimes is home by this time so of course he is a huge part in the nightly process as well, but as for during the day one of us HAVE to work and he’s the lucky one!

Now comeS Wednesday-Friday which does not include any procedures/spinal taps so we are lucky enough to have Visiting Nurses come to the house and administer Harper’s chemo through her Port. If at anytime while we are home I see that Harper is not feeling well i.e. not eating or tired we must go into clinic. If she has a fever of 100.2 then we automatically have to go into the ER and it is an automatic 2 day stay in the Hospital. We are constantly on the edge and none of our lives can be planned or scheduled out. Now as for the next 28 days we are not able to start them until Harper’s counts are in the right place. 

We went in on Tuesday planning to start these 28 days ( which consists of an overnight stay in the Hospital) but Harper’s counts were not where they needed to be and now we are delayed 1 week until next Tuesday for a recheck. The Clinic had mentioned that this tends to happen often and is nothing to worry about really and we just have to keep Harper’s spirits up.

My weeks are long and are definitely not easy having both kids who need their mom in 2 very different ways, but last thing I can do is complain. I take each day at time and each task at a time. Some days I feel like talking and some days I don’t. Some days I feel like showering and some I don’t. We have a huge support system and are lucky to have the team we have behind us. We appreciate everyone who’s reached out, helped out, and keep thinking and praying for us! Thanks for following our journey!

#hugs4harper

[wearebadcode]

Chapter V: II.II. 2015. The move (part II).

“Chapter summary: second part. This one follows Beca and Amy road-trip across the country, from Atlanta (GA) to Washington, DC -where they have to stay the night before hitting the road again to NY. Amy has a lot to say about Beca and Chloe's relationship during this trip...

Also on AO3.

(II). June 12th, 2015. The road-trip. Atlanta-Greensboro-DC

Atlanta.

6am, ET (Atlanta) - 3am, PT (Portland).

"Why is it 6am already? So sooooon" came Amy's sleepy voice when she heard the alarm went off.

"Ugh, I know, dude. It's too soon" came Beca's response in between yawns. "Okay, I'm gonna go take a quick shower since I'm the one who'll drive for the first 5 hours. Get ready, Ames".

"Ye... yeah. Let me know when you're ready so I could jump in the shower myself".

"Okay...".

The clock struck 6.30 am when the two women were finally ready. They left their attic room they've been sharing for the last three years and went straight downstairs towards the Bellas' kitchen.

"Coffee right away, Amy please. I need multiple shots of coffee right now" Beca demanded.

"Would you like me to fill a thermo for us to take away?".

"Pretty please".

"I happen to have a few syringes, too. In case you know..." Amy imitated the gesture as if she was injecting something into her veins trough some syringe.

"Wh... I don't wanna know why or how you managed to get those syringes, actually... Anyway. I say we grab some pastries, some bread or toast, two bottles of water and definitely coffee to take away and we hit the road. We're late already...".

"Start the car, then. I'll bring the cavalry" Amy proposed, so Beca exit the Bellas' house one last time to get to her car. Her gaze found the house she lived in for almost the entire time of her uni period and a sad smile appeared on her face. She, then, took her phone out of her pocket jeans and took a photo of what it will be her happiest and last memory of Barden.

"Look at this place... So sad already 😟 I'm gonna miss it here" Beca texted Chloe as she sent the picture she just took of the Bellas' house. "Anyway, it's 6.35 am here in Atlanta. We're about to hit the road. I'm gonna drive for 5 hours, aprox. We'll be stopping at some point in North Carolina to switch places with Amy, don't know where or when would that be. I'll let you know as soon as we decide something. Morning, btw 😊”.

"Start the car! Beca, start the caaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!!!! C'mooooon" Amy began shouting and running with several bags on her hands once she'd exit the Bellas' house.

"Dude, Amy. Why are you screaming? And why are you running? If Aubrey could see you right now..." Beca asked through the car's open copilot door.

"Nothing in particular... I've always wanted to say that as if we were on a movie, you know. Like we could've just robbed a bank and you'd be the getaway driver, so I figured why not" said Amy, looking directly at Beca, who was sat down in the pilot's car seat.

"What?" Beca furrowed her brown -she was always so confused by the Australian... "Why are you carrying so many bags? Have you left something in there?"

"Water, milk, some veggie food and... I think that's all. Look, Beca, no one's here at the moment and we're not ever getting back here, so..." Amy said, as she took the copilot seat.

"Fair enough, Ames..." Beca answered, as she closed her car side's door. "Safety first. Seat belt?"

"Check" Amy affirmed.

"Okay, then we're reaaadyyy. NY, we're coming for you!"

"Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Let's gooooo"

And the two women began their road-trip journey to NY. First stop: somewhere in North Carolina to continue to DC.

Atlanta-Greensboro.

Around 11am, ET (somewhere in North Carolina) - Around 8am, PT (Portland).

"Okay, Ames. I think we've almost completed half of the road-trip to DC. This little 'fella' here says we're about to arrive in Salis...bury?" Beca said, pointing at the car's GPS.

"Where is that?" asked Amy.

"North Carolina, apparently?"

"I don't even know where that is! Anyway, when do you wanna switch places?"

"I'm good for another hour, that would make my 5 hour-drive mark. You good to switch places in an hour? That way we both drive for 5 hours or so".

"Yeah, no problem. That means I'll get to change the music playlist? 'Cause I gotta say, this man right here has no rhythm at all" Amy agreed.

"What are you talking about? Johnny Cash is a country legend, dude! He's the fucking 'Man in black'! Perfect playlist to listen to while driving through the country roads! And he actually had a song titled 'Get rhythm', just so you know".

"Whateveeeeer".

"You literally have no idea! Anyway, grab the GPS and look where we can stop in less than an hour or so, wherever might that be" Beca asked, who was still driving and focused on the road ahead.

"On it. Let's see... Oh, god".

"Amy, what the fuck? I can't pay attention to you right now! I'm driving!"

"Sssshhhh, the GPS just slipped off my hands, but I'll find it".

"Dude, you're such a terrible road-trip buddy".

"Okay, I got the little bastard. Um... So we're around... which was the city we just left behind? Sals... something?"

"Salisbury, yeah".

"Riiiiight. Okay, so apparently we have a bunch of cities ahead before we get to the next state" Amy checked.

"Okay, then pick one of them before arriving there. Whichever you like the most".

"What about Greensboro? Sounds cool".

"Is that an hour or so apart from wherever we are now?"

"45 minutes according to this".

"That'll do. Greensboro it is".

Greensboro.

Around 12am, ET (Greensboro) - Around 9am, PT (Portland).

Beca and Amy just arrived in Greensboro. They looked for a right spot to stop the car at, took the coffee thermo Amy filled before leaving Atlanta with them, and the two women stepped out of the car to stretch their legs a little.

Beca took her phone and took a picture of the street she and Amy were at. 'I mean, it's not exactly NG quality material but it's something...' -Beca started typing on her phone. 'This is the looovely Greensboro we're at right now, North Carolina apparently. We stopped here to stretch our legs a little -we've been on the road for like 5 hours now and we still have another 4-5 hours ahead before we arrive in DC. Amy's gonna drive from now on. We leave in 10 minutes -12am o'clock. It's 9am in Portland... Shouldn't you get up of bed already? 🙄'

"Okay, so right now we're just 4 hours and a half away from DC, right? And we've been on the road for another 5 hours or so. So we're pretty okay on time" Beca pointed out after putting the phone back on her jeans back pocket. She, then, took a sip of coffee and handed the thermo back to Amy.

"So Chloe's habits finally rubbed off on you... You got this pretty under control".

"Yeah, since you're a disaster... Even I have to got things under control when you're around...".

"That's also right. I would've get lost before leaving Atlanta...".

"And that's why I have to take care of delicate things like this one, in case you're wondering".

"That's also so very Chloe of you..."

"Whatever, Amy..." Beca rolled her eyes. "Are you good to go?" the woman asked as she began walking rapidly towards where they parked the car, desperately looking for a way out of the conversation while giving her back to Amy -Beca wanting to avoid eye contact with the Australian, who the brunette felt she was about to come out with some sort of  'Bhloe' undeniable fact.

"Hey, send a letter when you get to the car. I have no intention to walk faster. You know my deal with cardio" Amy shouted.

"Yeah, you're pretty much allergic to it..." Beca whispered once she got to the car.

Amy get to the car a couple of minutes later, she sat down, closed the door, put the seat beat on and started the car.

"Let's burn this roaaads!" Amy encouraged.

"Eeeeeasy, Ames" Beca grinned. "Okay, let's go to DC".

Greensboro-DC.

Around 1pm, ET (Greensboro) - Around 10am, PT (Portland).

'Wake uuuuuuup, dude. Amy's playlist is literally a physical torture my ears wished they're deaf 😟' Beca typed on her phone and put the device down right beside the car's gear shift.

Beca slowly began to open her eyes, waking up after a while, just to found Amy grabbing and shaking her by her left shoulder. "Dude, what's up? Why do you do this stuff? Why are you like this?" Beca asked in a sleepy tone.

"Beca! Wake up!"

"Don't you see that I'm trying that already?! Jeez..." Beca said

"Your phone's getting crazy! It won't stop vibrating!"

"Oh... I hope it's not job related or I'm screwed..." Beca said as she unlocked the device screen.

"Are you fired?" Amy asked.

"... It's just Chloe".

"Since when do you guys text each other so feverishly?".

"What?" Beca asked, looking confused. "Amy, it's Chloe. We're always texting".

"Why did you skip the 'so feverishly' part?".

"Not relevant? I mean, I told her I will be texting her during the road-trip. No big deal".

"Ahaaaaa!".

"Aha what?" Beca rose her eyebrows.

"Don't you see where am I going with this?".

"Not a clue, honestly".

But Beca knew the moment Amy joked about Chloe's habits rubbing off on her when they were in Greensboro earlier, she was just trying to avoid the 'Bhloe' topic conversation.

"You and Chloe are always texting and you just made no big deal about it...".

"Yeah... 'cause it's not a big deal, Amy?".

"But you're always texting each other, you guys!".

"Only because we've always been texting each other! It's just how it is, I don't know dude".

"Doesn't that tell you something? You don't usually text me..."

"Amy, Chloe's my best friend! Of course I usually text her...".

"What? Am I not your best friend?!".

"Uh... I mean, you are one of my best friends. But with Chloe... I don't know, it's just different..."

"Ahaaaa! I caught you with your guard down..."

"Wh... I said nothing!" Beca protested.

"Oh, but you said enough... Now answer her, she seemed very anxious...".

That left Beca thinking about what just happened. Yeah, she and Chloe were always texting each other, 'cause they've always been. It was more than an habit, more than a thought -it'd always came as a natural thing for them to do, to act like this when they were around each other even if that was miles apart. They've always had this unspoken thing floating between them. And Beca started placing that 'thing' some weeks ago...

Since the Bellas spend that weekend at Aubrey's retreat as a preparation for Worlds. The look she shared with Chloe that final night by the campfire left her wondering if those feelings had always been there -only it was right there, in that very intimate moment, when she started identifying them as what they were: a crush, maybe? And yeah, she was pretty excited about the fact she will be sharing an actual home with Chloe, her best friend after all, in New York. That's why she was letting Chloe know all the details of this road-trip: she loved to share things with her, making the redhead part of her 'journey'. Whatever that 'journey' was.

"Bhloe will riiiiiiiseeeee" Amy sang softly.

"Amy! Enough of that!".

"Yeah, okay. But you do realize you haven't mention Jesse not one single time, right? You pretty much text Chloe as if she was your girlfriend instead..." Amy pushed.

'Shit' thought Beca.

"Do you always have to push things to the limit?" Beca sighed.

Amy shrugged and Beca chose the silence, only her brain was working a thousand revolutions per second. The brunette, then, rested her head by her car's side window and closed her eyes. She knew Amy had a point, and she knew her friend was right: she completely forgot about Jesse -being the man Beca's actual boyfriend. He lived miles apart, on the other side of the country now she'll be living in New York. With Chloe. Not with him, but with Chloe. Not with her boyfriend, but with her best friend -the person Beca happen to have a crush on. 'I'm so screwed' Beca thought to herself.

The brunette opened her eyes, at properly on the car's seat and unlocked her phone to read the messages Chloe had sent her a while ago.

'Oh my god, Bec, I'm so sorryyyy! I thought I left my phone plugged during the night, but I actually forgot to do that and the thing ran out of battery! 😭 So obviously the alarm didn't go off and I overslept 😴 sooo late...'.

'Anyway, I see the road-trip is going pretty good? Except for the wanting to be deaf part... That is complicated given you're stuck with Amy... what? 4 more hours or so? Don't woooorry, you'll liiiiive. Where are you guys now?' said the texts Chloe sent to Beca.

So Beca decided to reply. 'Yeah, you're definitely not helping by counting the time left... Maybe I'll live, but my ears? Listening to the Spice Girls in a loop for two hours? Yeah, good luck with that...'.

'Couldn't reply earlier. Felt asleep for an entire hour 😴 Don't know where we are exactly, but pretty sure it's already Virginia' Beca typed, recoiling a little.

"You really made my day, Amy... Congrats" Beca said sharply -sarcasm was Beca's ultimate weapon- and left the phone somewhere in the car.

"Shhhhh... You'll thank me one day" Amy reassured.

"Whatever. Any idea where we are?".

"Why are you asking me? You're the one who knows this country!".

"You're the one driving, Amy! You should know where we are any moment! 'Cause you know, the signs and all that... And this? Not happening anymore. I'm putting a stop to this" Beca said irritably, pointing to the CD entrance.

"What? No!"

"Amy, c'mon. The Spice Girls? On loop? Seriously, I can't take more crap today! I'm ejecting this right now" Beca said as she pressed the eject button. "Radio will do just fine".

"Hey, Beca, look! Road sign coming! What does it say, can you see it?".

"5 miles to Richmond, which means less than 2 hours to arrive in DC. Yay!".

"Yeeeeeessss!".

Meanwhile, a familiar melody came out of the radio. And as a few chords began to play...

"Oh yeeeeahhh! The boss came here to rooock!" screamed Amy.

"You know 'Thunder road'?" Beca asked, surprised.

"Of course! Who do you think I am?".

"Wait. Do you know Springsteen's music?".

"I mean who doesn't?!" Amy answered, Beca shook her head in approval as in 'fair enough'. Seconds later, the two women began singing at the top of their lungs.

"... as the radio plays / Roy Orbison's singing for the lonely" then the two women look each other and pointed their index fingers to one another, while they kept singing "Hey, that's me and I want you only / Don't turn me home again / I just can't face myself alone again / Don't run back inside / Darling you know just what I'm here for [...]".

By the time the song came near to its end, Beca and Amy lost themselves on the song's lyrics and melody. Beca turned the volume up and threw her arms trough the air while kept singing, Amy joined her. "Oh, oh take my hand / We're riding out tonight to case the promised land / Oh, oh thunder road. Oh thunder road, oh thunder road / Lying out there like a killing in the sun / Hey, I know it's late we can make it if we run / Oh, thunder road sit tight / Take hold, thunder road [...]".

"That was pretty awesome, huh. Cooling off the tension..." Amy said while chuckling as the song finished.

"I gotta admit it was, yeah" Beca was also chuckling. "Told you the radio would do just fine. Shame on you for listening The Spice Girls...".

"Whaaat? They're coool!".

"Yeah, cool as in '90's cool'. You're a bit late for that, Ames" Beca grinned, as she grabbed her phone once she found it.

She noticed she had a new message notification. It was Chloe's.

'Everything okay?' said the text. 'Shit. She noticed. How the hell she can always tell?' thought Beca. 'Cause yeah, Chloe noticed something went wrong with Beca the moment she stopped using personal pronouns, especially the ones who Beca was related to. And Chloe knew Beca would use this technique of hers whenever she felt emotionally troubled, 'cause if anything the redhead knew that was her best friend's ways of express herself. Chloe could easily identify whenever Beca was feeling okay, cloudy, moody, happy, sad, angry -any mood at all, really- through the brunette's way of typing. She knew her so well, after all.

That's why Chloe would never push Beca -she knew she needed time and space sometimes, to readjust, to found herself. And Beca knew that, she'd always felt so safe around Chloe. It was one of the qualities she appreciate it the most about Chloe. And the redhead also seemed to know Beca had always known that, too. That was also one of the reasons they understand each other so well: they were grateful to one another's sympathy. Fitting really well together.

'Yeah, just tired 😩 bonus: Amy was giving me such a headache. Sorry if I sounded so... me. You know how I can get sometimes' Beca texted Chloe back.

And Chloe, who seemed to be desperately waiting for Beca to answer, texted her immediately back.

Chloe: I know. You know you'll never have to worry about that 😊 everything okay now?

Beca did the same

Beca: I know, dude 😊 I'm always safe with you. Yeah, yeah, all good now. We did a sing-along 🎙️ haha

Chloe: haha 'Wannabe'?

Beca: dude, no way! Turns out Amy has a decent musical culture after all... We sang 'Thunder road'

Chloe: ooh! The boss is awes, isn't he?

Beca: definitely. Oh and by the way, we passed Richmond about ten minutes ago. We're a little closer to DC 🎉

Chloe: that's greeaat! 🎉

Beca: yeah. Maybe we'll get there in an hour or so... 🤞🏻

Chloe: at least you're not listening to The Spice Girls anymore?

Beca: thank god. This radio station saved my life, honestly. The music they're playing is like a perfect classic rock playlist 🖤

Chloe: sound very Beca... Hey, I'm gonna go packing now. Gotta travel tomorrow... 🙄 I'll text you later? x

Beca: I'm gonna have to sue you for excessive use of my buddy here 🙄 okay, go pack haha talk later!

Beca and Amy kept passing road signs and county roads. Cars kept passing by and the radio kept giving them memorable and classic rock songs such as 'Come as you are', 'Dream on', 'Stop crying your heart out', 'Reptilia', 'Don't stop me now', 'Supermassive black hole', 'Hurts so good', 'More than a feeling', 'Lyin' eyes', 'No one like you', 'Black hole sun', 'Fix you', 'Stairway to heaven', 'Hush', 'Back in black'', 'Light my fire' or 'The passenger'.

DC was now 20 miles away when...

"Dude, no way!" Beca screamed while smiling broadly and immediately reaching for her phone.

"What's up?" Amy asked, confused.

"Do you remember the concert Chloe and I attended back when we were still at Barden? In 2013?".

"The one I accidentally kept your ticket?".

"The very same, yeah...".

"How could I forget?" Amy joked, proudly.

"This guy's singing is that guy!".

'Hey, Chlo. You won't believe what just happened. Have I mentioned how much I love this radio station we tuned in yet? Anyway, the music they play was beyond awesome, but then they played 'Get better'! 🖤 🖤 🖤

Chloe's response came a minutes later. 'What?! 'Get better' as in Frank's newest single? ❤️'.

So Beca replied. 'Yeahyeahyeah!'.

And they started texting each other once again.

Chloe: aweeeeeees!!! I miss him 😭

Beca: me toooooo 😭 and listening to Frank without you... Not cool, dude.

Chloe: agreed. Shouldn't he have said anything about the new album by now?

Beca: that's riiight 😯 maybe soon?

Chloe: pleeeeease 😭 I'm done packing, by the way 🤛🏻

Beca: and we're like 15 miles away from DC 🤜🏻 I swear god I'll jump on the bed as soon as we get some motel room to crush on for the night

Chloe: and you'll fall asleep as soon as your head touch the pillow bed 😴

Beca: positive 😴 oh, shit! My phone's the one dying now. 15% of battery and going down... I don't think it'll make it to DC, but I'll plug it in once we've settled. Don't miss me too much until then 😛

Chloe: I'll try to live... 😛 x

DC.

Beca and Amy arrive in DC around 5pm, being settled half an hour later.

"KO" sighed Amy as soon she and Beca entered the motel room they will be staying the night at.

"Ugh, completely trashed" followed Beca, who began walking towards one of the single individual beds the motel room had. "I think I'm sleepwalking" she sighed.

"I'm gonna go to sleep like now" Amy said.

"Yeah, I'm following you".

"Night, road-tripping buddy".

"Night, Ames".

They both switched off the bulb lamps and lay down in their respective beds. Amy began snoring, Beca grabbed her phone while laying.

'We finally made it! Laying in bed already, I'm completely trashed 😴 I'm gonna go to sleep now. See you tomorrow at JFK, Chlo! Night! 😊' texted Chloe.

'We'll meet there at 2pm! See you tomorrow, Bec! 😊 x' Chloe’s text would say back.

[hellotinywonder]

ten years later...

[Česká Verze] This has been kicking around my head as of late, I have a dear new friend who doesn’t speak much English, and I’ve wanted to tell him about this weird, terrible moment in my life that fundamentally changed who I am and how I will forever interact with the world (both in good ways and bad). But I don’t know how to.  So I am writing it all down, which is something I have never done. And then I will leave it here, and of course, once a year I will remember and shake my fist at the world for myself and all the other victims of violent men, and then I will put my fist down, and get back to living my life.  It’s that time of year, though...

I’ve been thinking about this a lot.  It comes unbidden in the middle of the night.  When someone is walking too quickly toward me.  When someone says something inappropriate online or in person. When too many of the boxes, of that pattern of violence I have permanently etched in my head, get ticked… I think:

“Ten years ago someone tried to kill you... maybe you should run.” (Obvious content warnings apply, readers: Violence.)

Ten years is so long.  I have adapted.  I have moved past it.  But the parts of that night, those horrific hours in the morning… 4am. 5am. In the ER by 6am… the parts that are left, I feel are going to stay with me forever.

They don’t haunt, so much.  They are just there.  In the corners.  They keep me aware.  So in some ways, they keep me safe.

Daniel Rhinehardt was my housemate.  (How do I refer to him?  There is nothing colloquial about him at all, but since this is going up online, as a statement of public record, as a possible search result for Google, that might warn some poor woman who doesn’t know… Daniel Rhinehardt is his name, and I will refer to him as such.)  We did lots of things together, because I am the type, I have discovered, who likes housemates as community.  I have had many successful versions of communal housemates, who cooked together, or went on mundane errands, that sort of thing.  With no hidden agenda, no sense of obligation… healthy relationships between people.  This was not one of them.  But I was too young and naive to figure that out in time.

I won’t go into too many details, but this man became obsessed with me.  I remember being on tour for a month, bills paid in advance, and I received harassing phone calls from him because I hadn’t called him, or some nonsense like that.  We did our first Dragon Con (major convention in Atlanta, that I performed at or now do puppetry at) that year, and he came with us to sell merch.  I woke up one morning in my band’s hotel room to find him in bed next to me, which unnerved me (I had specifically requested my female friend sleep with me, to keep this weird toxicity I was starting to pick up on away).  I was looking for apartments in September of 2008.  I was looking. I hadn’t said anything, but I knew I had to leave, but I just didn’t pull it all together fast enough.

On September 20th, 2008, at my friend David’s birthday, Rhinehardt got drunk.  At the time I did not drink and was babysitting friend of mine on the roof.  They were a bit touchy feely as they were on some other substances, but I didn’t mind. I trusted them and I knew I was in control of my situation.  When we decided it was time for me to go to bed, we all cuddled a bit and they each kissed me goodnight.  They were a married couple, and there was nothing untoward with silly friendly kisses, but it set Rhinehardt off. He started yelling nonsense and threw a chair off the roof (it was caught by a lower tier, and did not fall to the street).  He stormed off screaming garbled obscenities and was gone.  The night was thrown into disarray.  We tried to call him because we were all concerned.  But I was also starting to panic.  I took a hit of my inhaler and we went back downstairs into David’s apartment.  I sat on her bed while some friends talked me down and told me I really needed to move out. I agreed and told them how I had been looking, but couldn’t find anything at the time.  I don’t know how long we were there in the apartment when Rhinehardt came back in, yelling nonsense, walked straight in at me and stabbed me in the side.

I would like to take a brief moment to mention a memory that I can never shake.  One day, apropos of nothing, Daniel Rhinehardt told me that if he was ever going to stab someone he would make sure to swing in from the side.  That is where all the organs are, defenseless.  It was so much more work to stab from the front or the back because of the ribcage.  He *told* me that once.  Well before, I think, he had any designs of stabbing me… but he told me that.  He thought it was impressive.  This vast knowledge of violence.

“...stabbed me in the side.”  It looks so small to read it back.  Such a small action.  How does it reverberate even now?

Thankfully I had enough reactionary sense to move as much as I could, being seated on a bed, and turned myself away so that his fist, no, knife… both... hit my hip and lodged there 3 inches, (8cm or so), instead of my side.  My organs were spared, and while the scar tissue presses against it, my sciatic nerve and artery were both missed.

I screamed.  He pulled the knife back and tried to stab me again, but was pulled off by someone else.  Matt McCorkle, David Forbes, and Luke Withrow all had a hand in saving my life that night.  Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if they weren’t there, if I had gone home.  Best not to think about it, not now or ever.  It would not have been good.  As fucked as I was, I was still somehow, always, lucky.

Then came the insanity that was bleeding all over my friend’s bed and floor.  Rhinehardt was pushed out of the apartment, the door was locked.  Every time someone knocked on that door I lost my shit, completely terrified.  But at the same time I was in shock and trying to sort out how I could avoid going to the hospital, one seemingly completely logical thought was: Matt’s dad was a vet… so we had access to medical supplies?  My health insurance did not start for another TEN DAYS.  (Thank you for absolutely nothing, America.)  911 was called, because of course it was. I had been stabbed right in front of a group of friends and party-goers.  I was left, lying on the floor, while Luke and Danielle held towels against my hip and thigh to try to stop the bleeding.

That’s how it went for 20 minutes? 2 hours? I could not tell (of course it couldn’t have been 2 hours, but I lost all track fo time).  Eventually paramedics arrived, cut my pants off, staunch the bleeding as best they could (my inhaler I took during the panic attack was working as a blood thinner, so that was miserable) and whisked me away.

Shock is a wonderful feeling.  I mean, it’s horrible, but it does keep you calm.  I “made friends” with them, they were very excited about their new sealing product for puncture wounds.  They whisked me into an ER.  Where I was photographed, documented, scrubbed, sutured, stapled, and asked a million questions I didn’t know how to answer.

Meanwhile everyone was sort of detained at the apartment -now crime scene- to give statements.  More photographs were taken.  I’m told they are available somewhere, public record, but I’ve never seen them.  I’ve asked once, but was unable to track them down.

I was told by the detective on my case, no, *the* case (it would become very apparent that this was not MY case, rather I was the VICTIM in the STATE’s case) that I could not go home.  It was not safe.  Did I have anywhere to go?  Anyone I could stay with?  I didn’t know.  I had friends… but I knew Matt, Amanda, David, Luke, Danielle… but I didn’t know anyone’s last names, didn’t know how to contact anyone… I am not sure if I even had my phone, no… now that I think of it,I think my phone and my bag were left behind on the floor of the apartment.  I was given crutches, scrubs (again, my pants had been cut off), and my shoes, and a voucher for a taxi, and discharged around 9am.

I was given back my shoes.  Little beat up black ballet flats.  I just stared at them.  They were splattered with blood.  I stood there in what must be one of the most cinematic scenes of my life, a mess, leaning on crutches, completely alone in a hospital lobby, as the sun crested the mountain and poured over me.  A man offered me a wheelchair, but due to the location of my wound, I was unable to sit down.  I hobbled to the sidewalk… I had no bag, no belongings, just my shoes in my hands, and as the cab driver came over to me I saw Luke and Danielle turn the corner.  They had come to find me, and subsequently adopt me.  We went back to Matt and Amanda’s apartment, which was in the same building as mine. Rhinehardt was still in jail at the time, so we went through my apartment and grabbed some essentials.  Some clothes, my laptop, The Invention of Hugo Cabret (a book I had been meaning to read), Agatha (the cat I had been cat sitting) and some other items I forget.  We sat around Matt and Amanda’s apartment for a bit, then, exhausted, back to Luke and Danielle’s where I would live for the next few weeks.  Daniel Rhinehardt would be released on bail that night, and he would never go back to jail for this crime.  Because that is how the system works in North Carolina.

When I made it back to Luke and Danielle’s house I remember calling my parents. Calling my friend Tom in the wee hours of the morning, because of the time zone, and leaving a message saying something like “you should call me back as soon as you get this.” I called work and asked to not come in for a bit.  I tried to explain.  

These mundane exercises.

I needed to inform my people.

I started using Facebook for only that reason.  To tell my people from Charlotte, my hometown (no, I don’t claim that often) that I would be back for a short stay, couldn’t drive, needed help.  Needed people around me… I don’t know.  I do know that Erich Moffitt, an ex -but I thought friend- never returned my call.  Just left me out there, drifting in the darkest void I’ve ever drifted in.  So... yeah, a polite fuck you, dude.

Everything went from bad to worse as I tried to recover, but there were still wonderful highlights to cling to.  My friend Tom created a paypal donation site for me, as I was uninsured and would need help covering the medical bills (though in the end Victim’s Compensation would cover them, but not before they went into default and cruel creditors would harass me and call the incident of someone stabbing me an “accident”), I was caught by an incredible network of friends in Asheville, who I am forever overjoyed to see, who I can rely on to this day, and I love dearly.  My birthday, 2 days later on Sept 23rd, I spent in Charlotte, my parents collected me and took me to their home a few hours away for a few days following which made sense.  It was during a gas crisis, but I didn’t know.  My friend Mike Walker and his wife Mary came to my parent’s house, collected me in the back of their car, and drove me out for Ethiopian food on my birthday.  It was truly special.

I bonded so much with Agatha, the cat, who I was cat sitting, in Luke and Danielle’s little guest room.  She was my constant companion as I recovered.  I read The Invention of Hugo Cabret.  It is one of my favourite books to this day.  It is easy, beautiful, densely illustrated, and I would get lost in it.  I would read it over and over, or just open it and look at it.  It’s still a comfort that I can’t quite describe.  Calm, dark, stable.  An adventure, but a safe one. (Fun fact, I buy copies of that book whenever I see them in second hand shops, to give to friends.  I have one now that was just unknowingly claimed by someone.)

I was wearing my punk rock jacket, covered in patches and badges, when I was stabbed, but thought nothing of it.  When I was in the courthouse, filing for a temporary restraining order, I put some coins in my pocket and they fell out onto the floor.  The knife had gone straight through.  I later stitched it back shut in red, and then silver thread over where the staples had gone.  The punkest punk rock jacket.  I still have it, but I don’t wear it anymore.

I came back to Asheville too soon, to do a Hellblinki show.  I was incredibly out of it.  I remember Ian (who I would date for 5 years, much later) visiting that show and hugging me and having no earthly idea what I had been through.  (It should have been a warning, really, I think now, but from a place of happiness, love, and sarcasm.)  I passed out on the couch at the venue.  The bar staff and owner knew what was up and looked out for me, and told me if I ever needed anything, ANYTHING, just come to them.  Just go to The Rocket Club and they would sort it.  The Rocket Club is gone now, but I think to think that the offer still stands with Ken.

I recovered physically.  I used a cane for a while, but eventually, now, I am 99%.  That 1% shows up now and again, excruciating pain if getting a massage, or just weird weather patterns and scar tissue.

Emotionally and mentally I am okay.  I have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), but that’s not surprising.  If and when I run into Daniel Rhinehardt, and I have the unbelievable misfortune of doing so now and again, I sort of “blackout”.  I go into this incredible fight or flight response moment, and I always choose flight.  It’s not an option.  It is done for me.  I “come to” as I am running down a street, hiding in a bathroom, or driving away (it’s terrifying to sort of “wake up” in your own body and find you’ve been driving a car.)  These blackouts aren’t black, but I become much more a passenger and my lizard-brain takes over.  I’m mostly aware of what is happening, but I am not the one in control.

Daniel Rhinehardt received no jail time.  He was given probation, required counseling, and is a convicted felon.  It’s not much.  It’s not much, but at least it is not nothing.  He does have a record.  And he’s added to it since me.  That’s the main reason I am writing this.  Because he attacked women after me.

I would later have several women come tell me how he had abused them or been violent, but they were always too afraid to go to the police.  This breaks my heart and makes me incredibly angry.  I would have never been put in this danger if there was some record, if people warned each other about violent men.  Thankfully we as a culture are better about that now, ten years later.  The sentencing hearing at court would be laughable if it wasn’t so goddamn tragic.  Rhinehardt's lawyer claimed he only drank that night because he didn’t want to be rude to his host, then asserting that his drunkenness somehow means his violence wasn’t actually him.  David grabbed my hand.  I could tell she was furious.  I was in a weird state of disbelief and also just acceptance that the NC Court System did not and does not give a fuck about me.

After the court hearing I was dazed.  But I remember we walked out into the gray February day, and got coffees.  What else can you do?  I had gotten knocked about so much over those 5 months that nothing shocked me.  I just accepted it as best I could.  And had coffee.

I got a restraining order, but every year when I went back to renew it some judge behind a desk made me feel like I didn’t deserve it, because if it had not been violated, why did I need it?  One of them, the last one (before I stopped going, not needing to expose myself to that trauma over and over) called me “Miss Rhinehardt”, just truly horrible people who absolutely did not care about me.  Again, North Carolina, I am looking at you with so much contempt for how you treat women.

All of my legal work was handled pro bono by Pisgah Legal, and I am thankful to them forever.  I was terrified I would not qualify or I would have to prove this happened, or I don’t know what, but no, I was firmly supported and told that the 911 call and the photos were terrible, but also incredibly damning in my favor.  An odd benefit, I guess. Also, since my attack is technically domestic violence, I had access to counseling through Helpmate and OurVoice, who are both fantastic resources.

I applied for a passport.  Just seemed the right thing to do. I wanted to leave the country.  I wanted to leave it all behind for just a bit.  The passport came in the mail, but on the same day, a check from Victim’s Compensation reimbursing me, finally, for all the medical bills I had been forced to cover, arrived.  I put the two together and a few months later left the country to go do a festival with band family in London and Whitby, and visit my dear friend Xavi Quero in Barcelona, Catalonia.

There’s more mess afterward as well...  I can never quite write it all, and maybe what is left out will just fade away into obscurity.  But this is enough.  Except it is worth saying: a couple years later a woman reached out to me on Facebook because she was dating Daniel Rhinehardt and he was scaring her.  She heard about me and wanted to know if “it was all true”.  He had told her that he had a record, but said that I had cheated on him or some other nonsense, which is ridiculous for several reasons (we were not dating, gross, and if ever we were- HOW DOES THAT JUSTIFY ATTACKING A WOMAN!?)  lots of red flags on that one, but this woman didn’t see them until too late.  I did warn her, and she got away, or so I was told.  But a few months later he was arrested for assault on a female, and she had a broken jaw.  I don’t know if they are the same, but I’ve got decent powers of deduction.

He was arrested another time as well, as I was informed via mugshot (I don’t ever need to see that face again, thank you, but there it was) for another assault on a female.  I don’t know the story, I don’t want to know… and I probably already know.  It’s a pattern.  I recognize patterns.

I mentioned that I’ve run into him.  That’s god-awful.  I have another friend who looks vaguely like him, which leads to a cute comedy of errors, that still involves a PTSD meltdown for me.  I am getting better about it, and this friend knows what I am really asking if I say “Are you at Restaurant X? Or Hey, are you downtown?” because I am giving myself a precious few seconds hoping for a “yes, that’s me!” and then relief… though usually it ends up with me hyperventilating somewhere else, after having run off, literally without thinking.

But, Valerie!  You’re usually so positive about things!  What is the silver lining of all this?

No. I’m not there yet, but I am getting there.  There is something horrible about having someone try to kill you.  Someone you trusted.  Something that breaks inside you and will never be the same.  It’s strange to have a moment when someone else decided they wanted to control your fate, your life, and by control I mean try to fuck it up horrifically, or just… end it.  Someone tried to end me.  Me.  That damaged my psyche for a long time… maybe permanently, though I have put my own spin on it.

There is something about this incident that left me feeling like less of a person, I was to another human being (no matter how terrible a person): dispensable.  I will always struggle with that, copying it over to other relationships with decent enough people, this disposability.  I don’t have inherently low self esteem or anything, but as I mentioned before, something, some trust in human decency… broke.  And I’ve never been able to put it back together right.

I worry that I give this incident too much weight, but I swear to you, fereverently, it weighs only as much as it does.  But that fluctuates.  Am I digging up the past to make drama? No.  I am trying to explain how I got here, how I became the person I am.  I am always trying to accept this.  Accept the reactions of the people around me. (The local paper referred to me, anonymously, as having been “stabbed in the buttocks”.  This led to a weird sort of dark comedy, because how silly it all sounded.  Some people would latch onto that, I would sometimes try to laugh about it too, a forced laugh.  It was really horrific to have some friends very close to me miss the seriousness of my situation because of one shitty line of reporting.  I laughed along, but I was really, really broken about that for a while.)

Trying to explain to a beautiful new friend that I am fine now, but I was not always fine, and that I fought like hell to be the shining happy blueberry girl that I get to be today. But I, like any woman who has ever stepped forward and said: “Hold on, this man did X to me”, I feel like I am fighting a world that will not believe me, despite as my lawyer mentioned, the overwhelming amount of proof, evidence, the fact that this did happen, is documented, and yet people still turn a blind eye, or make excuses.  It is maddening.  It is soul destroying.

I have people I meet who inadvertently overstep. (I have a creepy neighbour who was following that pattern of violence I mentioned, and I am completely terrified of him.)  I still have trouble dealing with them.  Almost always men.  Men who want to get too close, who miss social cues, who are creepy, who seem to want something from me. I am working on accepting that a man who is interested in me, when I am not interested in him, is not necessarily a threat. They are not all threats.  They are not going to try to murder you just because you turn them down.  But I am not there yet.  I am still working on that.  It’s a work in progress...

My positive spin?  Pragmatism.  I have a deeply ingrained understanding that tomorrow is promised to no one.  So now, while I do so responsibly, I am pretty good about going after what I want, in good ways.  It took me awhile to work back to this, but I have found a healthy balance of being responsible, and chasing after whimsy because who knows, the world could end tomorrow.  My friend, who I mentioned at the top, told me once that I was brave, having caught up to him on a random adventure by myself on the other side of the world.  Bravery never occurred to me.  It was a factor, sure, I’m brave, but it was really: “No, I want to see this friend.  And I could die next week.”  I don’t think like that… not really, that I might die next week, month, year… but at the same time I do, but with different wording.  I just think “I want this experience in my life, and now might be the only chance I get, so I am going to make it happen to the best of my ability.”

Also, I adventure.  I do incredible things, and my life has been pretty spectacular so far.  I am proud of the work I have done, the art I have made, and I treasure the friendships I’ve found and the experiences I’ve had.  That is my revenge.  Daniel Rhinehardt tried to end me.  Tried to irreversibly ruin my life, and he failed.  And, while it took some time to pull my parts back together, I have done more than just survive him, I have thrived.

A friend mentioned that to me after I had a particularly good day recently (I played puppets with my art hero and fairygodfather, who I will not mention here for the same google search result reasons), she said something along the lines of “You’re doing a lot more than just surviving.” It caught me off guard, I forgot she even knew about my whole getting-stabbed incident… I don’t mind people knowing, it is a part of who I am now.  I thought about it, and said “yes.”  It’s true.  That’s my goal.  That’s what I am doing.  And I’m okay with that.

I have mentioned a few times that one of the impetus of this tirade of tragedy is this new friend of mine, who is learning English, so I wanted to have this written down, messy as it may be, so that I am not dumping a bunch of English words on him with a context that is not easily understood with new words, (and made up words as I try to describe messy feelings not found in a textbook)… but also for my English speaking friends, because I’ve never really unloaded the whole story, or even this much of the story to anyone… I am open to sharing it, but really, sharing it is exhausting.  I get a weird surge of adrenaline when I explain it, but that adrenaline is coming from fear, mistrust, vulnerability… and it just vibrates through my system with no outlet until I realize I don’t want it.  I don’t need it.  I’m just wiped out.

But this friend.  I am going to visit him and others in a different location, still on the other side of the world, in a few months.  We met in Japan, so why not continue meeting in far off countries where I have a clumsy or nearly nonexistent grasp of the language?  What could possibly go wrong? I was explaining this to my mother a week or so ago, my trip plans, dates I’m looking at, etc, and she asked me (supportively) a very motherly question:  “Do you trust this person?”

And I answered without even thinking, or maybe I did think, but it was reactionary: “Yes. Implicitly.”  I told her.  And he’s not the first stranger-turned-friend that I have trusted implicitly, there have been several over the past few years.  Like-minded individuals who I am introduced to, or who I stumble upon and I get them, they get me, and I trust them inherently, implicitly, and with all my heart.  This has been years in the works, to get back to this point, where I can just accept a person who is good, who will look out for me, who cares for me without wanting anything in return.  A mutual trust and vulnerability.  I am lucky to have this back.

I am in a good place now.  I have been in a good place for a while.  This series of terrible moments from ten years ago left a mark, and changed who I am, but also changed me into who I am today.  And I am happy with the person I ended up as.  I’m not thanking any horrific person for trying to kill me, goodness no. He’s a terrible human being, and every woman should stay well away from him. 

I guess there is one thing undeniably positive thing I have taken away from this horrific series of events.  I’ve been through some rough times in my life since then, but nothing ever like that.  And to all of it I have been able to say: “I’ve survived worse than this.”  

And it’s gotten me through a lot.

It has sort of changed my perspective, it can sometimes be a comfort or a place of strength.

Also, I quietly know that I would win every argument of “worst housemate ever”.

That’s it, really.  No overarching summary or call to action… maybe “be kind.” Try being a good person to each other, and if you see someone leaning towards violence, stop it.  Call the cops, I don’t like cops either, but you shut that down when you see it.  Put it on their record.  Give them a record.  They’ve earned it. Make them show up in that cursory google search.

Give the next woman a fighting chance.

afterward, another reason why I wrote this, as I explained in my letter to my aforementioned friend:

...and I remember thinking to myself: "oh, scars..." and looking at you and wishing this information was already in your head, but no, I would have to put it there.   So I said something like: "there is not enough time" and I left it there.     But I hope you also know, from having met me, that I'm alright now.  I wasn't for a while.  But I am now.

I hope you all understand.