#sadly i dont have time to gif it. if anyone wants to the one during first intermission of the game was hd!!!

[nrdmssgs]

Your reminder to be self-indulgent

This blog is not my first experience in writing. However, this one is the first, where I deliberately stay as self-indulgent as I can. Even, if it seems cringy, even if there are people out there with other preferences and perspectives on my favorite characters. This was my personal goal, and today I've found the reason behind it, a real one.

A bit of backstory. Some time ago I've moved to another country. The last months before moving were crazy: there was a shit ton of packing, paperwork, organizational work, stresses and so forth. I knew, Im not going back. What I didn't know was that life would turn out in such a way that with a high probability I would not visit my hometown in the next 10-15 years (maybe longer). Sadly, I didn't have a chance to say a proper goodbye to my hometown. I wish I could just have a free day to roam around familiar places: to sit on a bench, where I had my first ever kiss, to visit my school and university, to walk in park, where I shared my first ever beer with a friend, to look into the courtyard of the house where I spent the first years of my life, maybe to take some photos, so that I have something, reminding me of those places. But it is what it is, and sometimes you don't have any free time during a few months.

This night I had a very comforting dream. I was once again in my hometown. There is a cinema theater in the very center of our city. It is a huge building with a massive concrete canopy (so massive, you can actually walk on it). Although you are not allowed to climb there - there was a way to do it and 20 years ago that area was not strictly supervised, so I've done that in my school years with my friends. So I see that canopy, remember the good old days, climb and walk along there. Then I hear someones voice. "You ok there? Need help with coming down?". I look down on a guy. Never met him before, but his face looks somewhat familiar. He looks up on me with confused eyes, yet a wide happy grin. Such a sunshine of human being. Obviously a tourist, not familiar with this place. "Nah, m fine, just hanging out here." But I climb down just to not let the guy down and ruin his day. "See? it's quite easy, if you know, where to climb." I start walking away, but he follows me and asks if I could show him any cool places around. "Only if you have a few hours, mate. Im planning quite a journey around my hometown." But this doesnt lessen his enthusiasm, he is quite happy to just hang out and see whatever I have to show him. And for the first time I dont care, that he is a tourist and I have to show him some museum/palace/fontain. I just... go through all those places, Ive originally wanted to say goodbye to, when I was leaving, not caring, he could find them insignificant. I dont tell him the real reason behind every place, we visit. Instead, I just joke around, I whistle my favorite songs, I feel free to yell at the driver who almost ran over us in the alley, and I treat my new friend with sweets that he can only taste there. And he encourages whatever I do, just lets me have a good time and is genuinely happy to be around. We visit many places I miss dearly.

I woke up today with my cheeks wet with tears of joy. This happened like 2-3 times in my life. Im just so happy, I've finally revisited all those places and by my side was someone, who just let me be myself. And only later, when brushing my teeth, Ive remembered the face of that guy. "Wait a minute, it was you all the time?" It was so funny, I didnt recognize him in my dream.

So how is this little story connected to self-indulgence? I believe, that by tinkering a safe space for yourself with your favourite characters and interesting for you personally stories, by revisiting this space on a weekly basis, you train your brain to always make some place for comfort. A place, where you can express your feelings and worries freely (even if this place is your own dream). Of course, I`m not encouraging anyone to replace professional help with fanfiction. But I think, this works really well as one of many-many instruments to maintain some peace of mind. So please consider this as your reminder to stay self-indulgent. It helps, it heals.

Oh, and regarding a guy from my dream? Yep, him.

[draco-and-tom]

Draco- I thought I was so Deserving

Summary- You and Draco were dating, till he died in the battle of hogwarts. It takes you weeks to go and look through his old stuff, and when you do you find several old letters addressed to you, but never owled. You decide to open it and find something that makes you cry.

☆WARNINGS: veryyyyyyy sad, death., depression, lots of crying, (i cried while writing this so you better like it lol)

It had been weeks since you even looked at the manor, which was basically left to you after draco died, due to the fact that his family fled for no apparent reason. You’ve tried to come back…. Really. It’s just the fact that every time you do try you start to cry. Just looking at the house floods your mind with memories of what it was like to be wrapped in his arms. You miss the feeling of his affection. Draco was never big on showing how much he actually loved you in public, sure he would wrap his arm around you if another boy was staring, or give them a death stare when they would check you out, but NEVER did he once whisper in your ear how much he loved you, the way you laughed, the way you cried, the way you would look at him and he knew you loved him just as much as he did you in public. The way he felt about you was personal, not everyone needed to know just how crazy he was about you. He used to tell you how he used to think so highly of himself till he met you. He would say “I always thought I was so deserving till I met someone who took my breath away and made everything okay for everyone.” Everytime you two were alone together he poured his heart into his words and you knew it was true. Draco’s eyes have always shown his true emotion. Happiness, sadness, love……. They showed you everyone. Everytime he would tell you those things you couldn’t form words, and when you could it was always just an “I love you”. Your feelings for him were so much more than an I love you. That’s the thing you regret the most, not telling him how on more than one occasion you cried at how you loved him so much it almost hurt, at the thought of losing him, how it broke your heart just to see him sad. You longed to tell him that you fucked up in every way possible by not telling him everything you loved about him -inside and out- because you knew how often he doubted himself, by not showering him with kisses every time you saw him, by not kissing him that day like it was the last one you’d ever get, because it was. But most of all you fucked up by trying to help the others and leaving him there to fight for himself.You didn’ t get a chance to comfort him or kiss him, or even tell him how much you cared. You didn’t know trying to help one person would risk two people's lives. Because with every day that passes you realize that Draco was your life. He was your happiness, your grief, your confusion. He was what made you who you are, who you were. 

You sob in your car as your mind is flooded with memories of the time you spent together. It hurts to see them, but it hurts worse to ignore them...if only he could be with you, give you one last chance.

You open your car door after you managed to keep yourself from crying. You made your way up the steps of the house and turned the doorknob with a shaky hand. Once you open your lip quivers. You looked at the stairs that led up to his room, making your eyes water. When you both were alone together at the house he seemed so much more care free. He would chase you all the way down the stairs, it was one of your favorite recurring things he did. You were positive there were other rooms up there but they weren't important to you, especially not right now. You blink back your tears as well as you can. You got to the first floor and felt something underneath your shoe. You lift your foot and a pained sound comes from your mouth as you see his ring… just sitting there. Your knees buckled and you sobbed into your hands. After a few minutes you got up, putting his ring on your middle finger since his hands were bigger than yours, and there was no way in hell you were ever losing that ring. Your face was tear stained and flushed. You were positive you looked like a wreck, you know that if Draco saw you he would wonder what the hell happened. He always said you were the most beautiful and happy person he’d ever met. But again, he was your happiness and now that's gone. God you were crazy for him, and how you feel is the proof. You snap out of your thoughts as you walk down the hall to his bedroom. A chill runs down your spine as you place your hand on the door knob. It was always slightly cold in the manor, but you knew it wasn’t that. You were scared to go in. You felt almost as if you touching anything or even stepping a foot in there was going to mess something up, change how he left it. You block your thoughts out as you open the door anyways, the metal on your finger tapping against the cold door knob. You look in and notice everything is still how he liked it, clean and kept. The only difference was that there was a black box sitting on his bed and an envelope laying beside it. Draco’s room had dark brown wooden floors and emerald green walls. On his walls were Quidditch pictures, a light in the shape of a snake, and….pictures of him and you together. You and Draco had been friends since you were 10, so the pictures went farther back than your relationship. There was a picture of him carrying you bridle style, his face buried in your neck as his laughed, making you smile. You watched that picture replay over and over again, just to see him in motion. You sadly smile as you watch him laugh and put his face into the crook of your neck, you kissing his head after he does so softly. A slow tear drips down your cheek as the flash of the camera that took the photo goes off, before you wipe it away quickly. You pick up the photo and place a small kiss onto it, letting a couple more tears escape from your eyes. You grabbed the picture and took it with you over to the bed, and sat down. You wiped your face with the sleeve of your quidditch sweater, hating the stickiness that the now drying tears had made. You looked at the envelope laying on the bed. The ivory color envelope, as well as the box lay against the green, silky sheets that Draco had left on his bed. He told you the reason he liked silk sheets so much was that when he was little he would get really hot in the summer and laying in them would give his body a relieving chill, the sheets were just associated with good memories and comfort especially after the two of you became each other's friends.

 You and Draco had sleepovers, both of you laying under those sheets. You remembered that the first sleepover happened when you were both at the manor during yalls first week at hogwarts. After eating dinner with him, and taking showers you both laid down in his silk sheets that always felt so cool and relaxing. You didn’t notice anything was wrong until you look over at the 11 year old and see him lying stiffly under the blanket and staring at the ceiling. You furrowed your eyebrows and say “something wrong malfoy?” He shakes his head and after a moment of thought says “it's just….w-is it not weird to you that you're going to sleep in here with me?” you tilt your head and ask “Is it weird to you Malfoy?” when he shakes his head “Then why would it be weird to me?”. Draco bites his lip and shrugs “dunno… just didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me..”. As soon as he said that you scooted closer to him and wrapped your arms around his body, as if that wasn’t enough to freak him out you slung your leg over his waist as well. You snuggled into Draco’s tense body. “Do I look uncomfy Malfoy?” you asked after you rested your face in the crook of his neck. You could feel the first year release tension in his body and smiled as he wrapped his arm around you, pulling you as close to him as possible. Draco felt your smile on his neck and laughed. “Like this do you?” you hummed and said “Honestly dont think ive had anything more enjoyable Malfoy”. You nuzzled closer to his embrace before you heard him say “hey sunshine”as he peppers kisses on you, making your cheeks flush even more, he had never called you that before “could you call me Draco instead? You’ve made me realize that there is a 1% worthy enough to have my name come from their mouth” you chuckled and nodded “I better be worthy Draco”. 

Once you notice the same words repeating in your ear you stop staring at the envelope and decide to read who it's for. 

                                                                           Sunshine ♡ 

You take a deep breath and open the envelope, careful not to cause any damage to something so dear to you. Once you open it the smell of parchment immediately floods your nose. You pull out the paper and unfold it. The parchment was clearly high quality, it seems as though he put a lot of thought into the letter. You do your best to smooth the creases of the paper as you tiredly lay back on the bed and begin to read:

Dear Y/N, You have no idea how many times i've tried to write a letter about all of this, There is a whole box full somewhere, just look. I know I don't seem like the type (and I know you already know this but) God sunshine, you have no idea how much you mean to me. It's just the fact that sometimes i get shy… but I feel like I don't tell you stuff like this often enough. I love your smile… it likes up any room. I know that you don't think I am, but I am extremely jealous of anyone who so much resembles the way I look at you, that loving look. I know I shouldn't be. I mean bloody hell Y/N I'm the one who gets to wrap you in my arms and pepper you with kisses. I just can't help the thought of you ever leaving me, especially if it’s to be with one of those prats. I love you so much Y/N. More than you could ever know. Although all of this rubbish with The Dark Lord is happening you’ve managed to make it actually bearable. God I was so relieved when you believed me when I told you that I didn’t want to. I'm so glad you let me cry into your shoulder that night, I don't do it often but I did need it. You don't know that i could tell, but I knew that you were crying with me… you shake when you cry, I could feel your lip quivering against my cheek as you kissed me and assured me that it was all going to be okay, I believe you Sunshine, I promise i do, You will always be what keeps me going. You're the only person that's even thought about looking through all my smirks and teasing… you're the only one that was able to tell I was broken and the only one to care. You're the one thing about my shit show of a life, but I have one question. How do you love me as much as you do? I believe you do, you can't lie when you look at me like that. Your whole expression softens when you say those three words and look into my eyes. How do you love me when you could have someone that isnt this much of a fucking wreak? I wish you knew how much i care, 

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Tell me if you want me to make this a series or a prequel.

[avengersassemble-fics]

You Again

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word count 3k

an: lmao LISTEN do i know its been two years since this was updated?? yes BUT ya know the people ask and the people shall receive lol feel free to catch up if ya want. also!! if you're invested in this pls bare with me on the links, my blog was changed in 2019, but I fixed the master list links so use that or search on the blog! be careful.. things aren’t always what they appear ;)

We’ve been together long enough for me to figure it out

The sentence flowed out of her red stained lips easily which threw everyone for a loop, surprised glances were tossed around the group. Barry’s mouth formed an O shape and Diana’s brows raised as she glanced between you and Bruce, whose angry eyes were locked on the smirking Selina Kyle. Bruce’s hand locked onto her arm and started pulling her away, leaving his team behind and Diana cleared her throat.

“Right then, let’s. . Get back.”

Her sympathetic eyes locked onto your face, which had a blank expression and led everyone back to the plane. It was strangely quiet, except for Barry who spoke quickly to Clark about something, “And I told him, all I did was push people over and run away, but he didn’t believe me! So..”

With Alfred’s help the plane almost completely piloted itself, Diana didn’t have to do much for it to return to the safe house. As it neared, she flipped a few switches to conceal the aircraft, and landed the plane just outside the familiar abandoned building. The engines slowed to a hummed noise, and everyone got up from their seats - everyone except for you. Barry passed you first but paused, which made Diana press her elbow into his back to make him move along. Clark stopped beside you, and placed a hand on your shoulder carefully, which caused you to look up from your pensive state, a small hmm leaving your lips.

“You wanna come inside?” He asked. You looked from his stare to your hands, and sighed.

“Don’t have much of a choice, do I?”

Clark smiled sadly at you, “Not too much of a choice.”

You laughed at his honesty. It wasn’t actual laughter, but he recognized the sarcasm laced in it. The half smile, the way you shook your head, and you finally stood. He let you walk off first and into the light drizzle of rain. Each step the pair took further from the ship, the ground beneath it began to descend. You didn’t even need to look behind you, Bruce was ever the brilliant man for that detail too.

Tonight you were learning quite a bit from him. Just like before.

When Clark and you joined the rest of the group, the chatter quieted. Barry was attempting to locate food in the kitchen, and Diana stood straighter from leaning against the wall near it. She smiled sheepishly at you, and Clark left from your side. You looked at the computer in the room, and was the one to ask the dreaded question.

“When is he going to be here?”

Diana glanced at Clark for a moment, who only shrugged his shoulders, “We’re. . . Not sure.”

You nodded, and found yourself drawn to the couch, and planted yourself there on one side. Tonight made everything much more clear for you about the breakup, about those last few months of your relationship with Bruce. It wasn’t the Batman revelation that made the split happen, no it was something much worse. Something that happened just a couple months after that.

Work had gotten busier for you. That wasn’t to say you weren’t successful during your relationship with Bruce, he didn’t play into that. You were successful before you met Bruce, but somehow in those last few weeks things had exploded for your business. You found yourself swamped in work but it was good, it was so good for you and your career. But with it, and with Bruce’s new found vigilantism, you began to see less and less of one another.

He stopped sending flowers, he stopped sending those cute emails like he would at random times in the day, you heard from him less and less. But it wasn’t all his fault, it fell on you as well. Some dinners were cancelled, calls were missed, and texts unsent. It wasn’t on purpose, it just happened. But you didn’t want it to. You never wanted it to.

One night, you remembered the rain and how hard it fell that night, you drove out to see him, in that house by the lake you often wanted to call home. You did, kind of, you stayed there for most nights during the week, but not so much anymore. It was hard to see past the sheet of rain as you pulled into the long waved driveway. But you did it. You parked behind his car and switched the engine off, and squinted into the glass windows. All the lights were on of course, but there was no sign of him.

You had to fling the door open and grab your purse and rush inside. You fumbled with your key and slid it into the lock and let yourself in, but it didn’t matter, you were completely drenched. As you shut the door behind you and wiped some of the water from your face, you heard the tap of feet come down the hallway. But it wasn’t Bruce’s, Alfred came around the corner, and looked shocked to see you.

“Hey Al,” you greeted, and smiled at him.

“I keep telling him to pull the car in if he’s expecting you,” he casually said. You set your purse down and removed your wet jacket, and Alfred was quick to grab it from you.

“Oh he wasn’t expecting me I just thought I’d surprise him,” you said, “is he..?”

“I’m afraid he is,” Alfred replied, already knowing the question. You nodded and started towards the bedroom you shared with Bruce. You didn’t know what you were going to find out that night.

You were pulled from your thoughts when the door opened, everyone looked to it and weren’t surprised to see Bruce enter the room. He looked nervous, everyone could see it, and you just kept your arms rested on your legs, and stared at him.

Bruce let the door close behind him as he took a couple steps into the room. He looked between Clark, Diana, and you. Barry was eating something behind the group in the kitchen, and wasn’t paying too much attention. Clark and Diana stood behind the couch, arms crossed in front of them, but Diana was the first to break the silence.

“Do you care to tell us what’s going on, Bruce?” she asked.

Bruce glanced your way again, but you had averted your gaze to the wall, “I’ve been in contact with Selina about what’s going on, after the Arkham break out,” he stated very carefully.

“Only after?” Clark asked. Bruce narrowed his eyes at him, but you sat there and your stomach turned.

“For this matter, yes,” he said honestly. But Clark knew this wasn’t the answer you had hoped for. He looked at your shoulders tense, as did Bruce. You just continued to rub your hands together.

“Well, what does she know?” Diana pressed.

“The mayor’s office has covered up the fact that all of Arkham’s inmates were broken out,” he said, “not escaped. Someone initiated it. She doesn’t know who this guy is, but he’s planning some kind of siege on the city,” he paused, “he’s only starting with Gotham. Metropolis, Central City, Star City, they’re all going to be targeted.”

Silence filled the room. Diana looked down at her feet and Clark up to the ceiling for a moment. Barry was fully paying attention at this point, and shifted his weight from one leg to another, “Shouldn’t we be getting more guys in on this then? Anyone?”

“I know a lead in Star City,” Bruce said, “but getting him in may be difficult.”

“It’s a start,” Clark said. There was a nodded agreement amongst them, and Diana looked to you once more. She motioned for Clark and Barry to follow her out of the room. Clark followed, pushing Barry along in front of him, who exclaimed his confusion.

That left Bruce and you alone in the open. He had his hands twisted in his jacket pockets and looked at his feet. You finally broke your stare from the wall and looked at him. You both didn’t say anything, and you could feel the sting in your eyes. It was funny, you had told yourself just 6 months ago you wouldn’t cry over Bruce Wayne ever again. Yet here you were.

“What did she mean by it,” you asked in almost a whisper. But he heard you. He just didn’t know how to reply. His silence though bothered you.

“What did she mean by it, Bruce,” you said a little stronger now. That made him finally look up and meet your gaze.

“We’ve been. . . Intimate a few times,” he said, “nothing more than that.”

You nodded, a hurt smirk on your face, “For how long.”

Bruce took a step forward, “(Y/N)-”

“Dont fucking gaslight me,” you said, standing from the couch and pointed at him, “tell me the truth. For how long.”

“Fine! You really wanna know?” He yelled, and put his hands on hips.

“Yes! I want to fucking know!”

“Over a year! There! Are you fucking happy?”

You blinked at him as your jaw dropped a little. Over a year. You broke up only 13 months ago. That could only mean. . . You couldn’t even finish the thought, but his face gave you the answer you never wanted to hear.

“Is that why you pushed me away,” you whispered, “because-”

“Yes,” he breathed, “I. . . Couldn’t bear the thought that I had done it. And I couldn’t admit it to you.”

A single tear fell down your cheek. You shook your head as you focused on a spot on the floor, “Did you. .  In the house did you-”

“Yes,” he mumbled, “a couple of times, yes.”

“A couple,” you stopped yourself, “in the bed that. . . that we would-”

“Yes,” he finished for you. Silence fell over you both as you two began to process what he was sharing, every gruesome detail. Tears were on the brim of your eyes, and Bruce looked on sadly. He tried to take a step closer to you, and you moved away to the end of the couch.

“What do you think-”

“I’m sorry,” he pleaded, “I’m so sorry. I loved you, I still love you-”

“No,” you cut him off this time, “you don’t do that to someone you love.”

“Please just let me explain-”

“No,” you cut him off again, and took another step back, “no you don’t get to explain anything to me.”

Bruce stopped in his tracks, and watched you glance over him one time, and then you turned away from him. And in that moment, he felt like he lost you all over again. He watched you walk away, just like he did over a year ago. And it still broke his heart.

You made it to your room and shut the door very softly. You had managed to hold the tears in but couldn’t any longer. They slid down your cheeks and neck and you stared at the bed before you. The thought of last night came into your mind and something in you snapped. You practically tore the clothing off your body and threw it into a corner of the room, it would go forgotten for awhile. You took your time picking out shorts and a basic tee to throw on when you looked over at the bed. Your skin burned just looking at the sheets and covers on it.

Frantically, you tore every piece of bedding off of it and threw it in the same pile as the clothes. Tears clouded your vision as you worked on peeling each dirty memory from the bed, until it was bare. And you were bare. A quiet sob left your body and you covered your mouth with your hand, and eased yourself onto the ground. You pulled your legs to your chest and leaned against the bed. Tears just slid down your cheeks, and you sat there. Alone. Quiet.

There was a soft knock at the door, but you didn’t bother to acknowledge it. However, that didn’t stop the person from pushing your door open. From the corner of your eye, you saw the tall figure, who tried to look for some kind of sign they could come in. The best you could offer was a glance, and your face scrunching up in another cry. A plea.

Clark entered your room and shut the door behind him. He hurried over to you and sat beside you and that’s when you started to cry once more. His right arm wrapped around your shoulder and you leaned into his side. Your body shook from the cries, and he wrapped his left arm around you to soften the gasps. His chin rested above your head as you burrowed yourself more and more into him.

He sat there with you until you started to calm down. Until the gasps stopped, until your sniffles disappeared, and until you released your legs from your grasp. He tilted his head to get a look at you, and all he could see were those (e/c/l) pensive eyes staring at the wall.

“Stay here,” we whispered. You nodded in response and he carefully detached himself from you. As he stood, you watched as he entered your bathroom and entered the closet in there. He was gone for just a few moments before he reappeared with a fresh set of sheets, and new comforter. He didn’t say anything as he worked around you to fit the sheets on, dress the pillows in new covers, and smooth the comforter over the bed. You didn’t make eye contact with him again until he kneeled before you, and rested his arms on his legs.

“Come on,” he whispered, and held a hand out for you. You looked from his face to his hand, and hesitated only for a moment to take it. Clark pulled you up from the floor, and with his strong arms he helped you climb into bed, and under the covers.

He offered a small smile, and you still gripped his hand. He turned as if to leave, but the fact you didn’t let go of his hand pulled his attention back to you.

“Can you stay for a bit longer, Kent?” You whispered it to him, but he heard you.

He would always hear you.

He nodded and crawled over you so he sat beside you. You sat there quietly for a few moments before you spoke again.

“Did you hear?”

You played with the blanket covering you, and Clark sighed, “I did. . . I’m sorry.”

You shrugged, “I know you can’t help it,” you smiled sadly to yourself, “I just,” you laughed a bit, but this time he could hear that hurt, “Bruce he was the first one that I let into my life, after..”

You trailed off, and Clark frowned, but you didn’t look at him. You just kept playing with the fabric of the blanket.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

You glanced over your shoulder a bit, and then focused back on the blanket you played with. You moved a bit, shimmied down the bed and Clark couldn’t help but smile at your movements. You proceeded to lay your head in his lap, and he carefully moved his arm so it rested behind your back. You were positioned so that you stared ahead at the door, and Clark instinctively started to gently run his fingers over your hair.

He remembered vividly the last time he did this with you. Before you went off for college, before he disappeared from your life. He sat in this same position, and you rested your head in his lap and fell asleep. It would be the last time you saw him for years. But not the last time he would see you.

“Clark,” you suddenly called out.

“Yes?” he asked. You twisted a bit so your head laid straight up in his lap and you could meet his gaze.

You bit your lip a bit as you wondered about your question, “After you left. . . Did you ever come back?”

There was something in your still wet eyes, and they looked at him in a way he hadn’t seen himself in years. You were looking for the truth, it was something you needed to know. Clark cleared his throat and shifted a bit back towards the headboard.

“I did,” he admitted, “a couple of times, but. . . You were gone by then. And your mom she wouldn’t-”

“She never told me,” you said quietly.

Clark nodded, “I saw you once,” he paused and you looked at him in shock, “in Metropolis. Sitting outside a restaurant.”

That was enough to get you back sitting up, and facing him completely now, “You saw me?”

He nodded, “You were reading Jane Eyre, your favorite, the same copy your father gave you. You had this blue dress on and I saw you from the other side of the street, couldn’t miss you,” he smiled a bit to himself, and you looked at him with sad eyes, “I was going to go over, but then I saw Bruce join you, and you two kissed and I thought. . . You’d be better off not knowing I was there.”

You smiled sadly at him and then suddenly you had moved to lay down. Clark’s arm wrapped down your back as you cushioned yourself into his side. You didn’t say anything and neither did he. Why you felt the need to hug onto his side was beyond him, but Clark didn’t budge the rest of that night. You needed someone there with you, and if you needed it to be him then he would be there.

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this is the old tag list y’all I cannot believe im doing this to you, if you wanna be removed just let me know im cackling im so sorry

@panic-angel3314 @dutifullyfuriousnerd @mrsemmaevanswriting @fourtristattoos @offlikeadirty-shirt@barrel-racing-lover @sexyvixen7 @bless-my-demons @sarcastic-ohohoh @whovianayesha@neohhetric @my-dccomic-dreams @hellomistressj @avengersgirllorianna @spunky-89@dammitkyloben @topthis808 @theboldandthebootyful @andtheytoldustotellyouhello @amandakwoodstock @brooke-supernatural16 @kissingwintergoodbye @missthang2734 @random-fandom-lady @supernaturaldean67 @crimesolversherlock​ @lunaticgurly @sweetiele-ash

[drifting-mindspace]

Things we deserved to get from the Naruto manga and anime that we never got -

• JONIN NARUTO -

We followed him around as the lovable Genin knucklehead. Now it goes without saying that him being a Jonin is just a rank and honestly doesnt mean much. Rescuing Gaara, going after Kakuzo, Mount Miyaboku were all A & S-rank missions.

But I would liked to have seen him doing missions post war in a slightly more mature yet typically knuckleheaded manner instead of the passing phrase he made tonShikamaru about being too busy doing missions for the next 6 months.

We grew up with Naruto and now that he's older and stronger we dont get to see him in action.

• A Happily Married Kakashi & Shizune- 

Hatake Kakashi has led a deeply traumatic life. His mother died when he was very young, his father committed suicide when he was 6 causing him to distance himself from everyone around him. The first person he opened up to and formed a bond with died moments later protecting him, the girl he deeply cared for and probably harbored feelings for which he was too afraid to confront died at his hands as he desperately tried to protect her, a year later his sensei died protecting the village. When he became a sensei to Team 7 he felt he was on a path to finding inner peace by ensuring these children avoid his traumas but his prized pupil went rogue shattering that hope. After all this I’d hoped he would’ve finally found a happy ending.

Why Shizune? Well I considered him and Kurenai getting together and him helping raise Mirai but Shizune has always felt like the only Kunoichi in Konoha who has her shit together. She is perfectly at peace with where she is in life. She is incredibly mature and level headed as she helps run the village with Tsunade. Someone who is at peace with herself and her aspirations is the perfect anchor for a man with a whirpool of trauma brewing in him.

Alas it seems like the showrunners have no intention of a romantic arc for Kakashi and the Hatake name will die with Kakashi.

• The Uzumaki Clan

Within a span of 3 months Naruto meets 3 Uzumaki clan members. Nagato, Karin and his own mother. While speaking with Kushina he finds out about the dark fate of the Uzumaki clan. How they were blessed with unimaginably high chakra reserves and were gifted in Sealing Jutsus, longevity and how it led to them being targeted by those who feared them leading to their village being wiped out and scattered across the shinobi world.

Instead of turning the Naruto saga into the Uchiha Chronicles Id have preferred a deep dive into the Uzumaki clan. Maybe even have a Sasuke-like venegeful figure who wants Konoha to suffer because they failed to provide aid to the village they called their strong allies in their greatest hour of need.

Like Sasuke this villain would’ve witnessed his fellow clansmen cut down, unlike Sasuke however he wouldn’t have had the likes of Naruto, Itachi or Kakashi to anchor him in the light leaving room for redemption.

This could have been the one villain that was so far gone in his pain and hatred that no amount of 'talk no jutsu' could have changed his mind and would've pushed Naruto to the very brink until he finally had to choose between killing his clansman or protecting his village.

Naruto would make the ultimate sacrifice for Konoha and this would all the more set his resolve to pulling Sasuke back from the darkness or dying with him.

An Uzumaki villain gifted in Fuijutsu and the use of the Uzumaki Kekkei Genkai, the Adamantine Chains along with massive chakra reserves would be the perfect power scaled villain for Post Pain Arc Naruto.

Instead we got Uchiha chronicles where everyone did whatever the fuck they thought of doing and chakra limits were all but history. This one really disappointed me. Which brings me to my next disappointment.

• Naruto Killing a Villain

Now I know it seems like an odd hang up. Naruto? Kill? But he is so fixated on redemption. That is exactly why I wanted this to happen. The series has gone out of its way to make sure Naruto hasn’t killed a character. The worst of it was against Kakuzu. The kind of attack unleashed upon Kakuzu SHOULD by all means have killed him. Yet somehow he was left in a ‘dying state’ and Kakashi was the one who did the deed. 

Naruto being forced to kill a villain as a last resort and making a choice between saving someone dear to him or tainting his hands with blood was the ultimate moral conundrum for a shinobi whose biggest goal was rescuing his best friend from the dark. It would take him back to Itachi’s words where he asked Naruto what he would if Sasuke decided to destroy the village.

Instead we saw Rasen Shuriken and Rasengan getting scaled down to a point where they always injure and opponent but not kill him. For an S-rank jutsu, Rasen Shuriken happens to be quite lenient.

• Neji beoming the head of the Hyuuga Clan

This pisses me off the most. Neji was supposed to be to the Hyuuga was Naruto was to Konoha. I always expected Neji to overcome all the obstacles and get recognized by Hiashin who would then redeem himself and disband the branch system once and for all. Hiashin as a character was never redeemed. Here was a man who let his brother get executed to avoid punishment (albeit he was against it but it did happen), constantly abused his kind daughter and belittled her for being too soft and put her down to a point her personality was underdeveloped and she had deep seethed confidence issues.

Disbanding the branch system and making Neji the leader would redeem him in the eyes of the readers/ viewers and would clean up the Hyuuga clan.

Instead Neji was scrapped aside to give Naruto and Hinata a bonding moment. They had a bonding moment, it was when she almost died saving his life. Neji didn’t have to die for them to get together ffs. What a wasted potential.

• NaruSaku

Now I’m not a fanatic shipper. In fact when I read and watched the original series I absolutely HATED Sakura. My hatred for her reached it’s peak during the Zabuza arc when Naruto ran at the S-rank villain, got kicked away and got up to show he went in for his forehead protector. “What do you think you’re doing Naruto? Even Sasuke-kun wasn’t a match for him.” I just wanted Naruto to turn around and tell her to stfu in that moment. As the series approached the time skip I was well and truly content with NaruHina.

But Shippuden changed things. The hints towards Sakura’s changed feelings were sprinkled all over the series. One moment that stands out for me was the Clone Training arc where Sai tests her by abusing Naruto and she goes on a rage rant about how great he is. Let’s not forget that in her darkest hour, as she saw a ruined and destroyed village the only person she thought of and cried out to was Naruto. Not because she felt he could save the village (she was as shocked as Shikamaru as she found out he was facing pain alone) but because when things when bad for her the only person who she felt comfort around was indeed Naruto and that is indisputable.

She goes as far as ruining her friendship with Naruto, a bond she truly cherished as it was all she had left after Sasuke abandoned the village, and confessed her feelings to manipulate him. Yes manipulative, scheming and downright a bitch of a thing to do. But it was all she could think of to make Naruto stop chasing after Sasuke. She, more than anyone wanted to see Naruto become a Hokage and realize his dreams and dying while rescuing Sasuke was a risk she couldn’t take and she decided she’d have him hate her than die. Wrong yes. But oddly noble.

This combined with all the blatant attempts to establish her being like Kushina and Kushina saying she wants Naruto to find someone like her changed my mind from NaruHina. I still adore Hinata. She is a wonderful character. But organic plot progression is far more important to me than my ships being canon.

A Naruto-Sakura family would’ve been incredibly entertaining and the dynamics would be perfect. We’d see a Minato-Kushina couple on screen for the next series. Which brings me to my next disappointment.

•HinaShino

I don’t know if that’s the official name for the pairing but I always felt these 2 would make a great couple.They are both people of a few words and are both incredibly intuitive and understanding individuals. Shino would accept Hinata for who she was and vice versa. Being with someone who was happy with the person they were would go miles in helping them come out of their shells.

Altho this isn’t a massive disappointment for me. I’m happy that Hinata ended up with Naruto. But like I said organic plot progression matters to me and if Naruto ended up with Sakura I’d prefer Hinata to end up with Shino.

•Hiraishin No Jutsu

Sadly as the series progressed Naruto had become so OP that not letting him master his father’s improved version of Tobirama’s jutsu was a great decision. It would’ve just made him senselessly OP. 

However instead of giving him all those God Tier power ups which he just gains in single training sessions I’d have preferred him working hard to master the Hirashin. Instead of sending him off to an island and treating him like a fucking idiot and asking him to survey animals I’d have preferred if Tsunade gave him an impossible task.

“You can’t fight in the battle. But I will only allow it if you can master your father’s jutsu.”

It was a period of 6 months between Danzo’s death and the start of the shinobi war. Ample time to show him training hard to learn a jutsu that for once required him to study. Hiraishin deals not just in physical acts of speed but also mastering seals.  Seeing his friends go off to fight in the war as he was left behind would have only added to his frustration and motivated him more.

Showing Naruto training hard like they showed him training for Rasen Shuriken would’ve only made us cheer all the more harder when he’d make a badass entry on the battle field as Tobi came close to killing Kakashi and a three pronged Kunai swished between the two, an orange flash appeared and Naruto kicked Tobi away.

Sadly this was swapped for Pokemon evolutions where arc after arc Naruto levels up just like that. The show’s entire premise was based on hard work and guts.

Sasuke was the genius who gained his power through natural ability. Sure he trained hard but his strength came to him with ease. Naruto had to slog. He manged to make the Rasengan after nearly 15 episodes of training and even then he had to get stabbed to be able to use it. It wasn’t until another 10 episodes that he properly used it. His training for the Rasenshuriken took an entire season to yield results and even then he didn’t learn to throw it until he trained for another 3 seasons till the Pain arc.

Post pain all this is tossed aside. He sits at the waterfall twice and beats the darkness. He sits in the room once and tames Kurama. Later Kakashi and Guy are in trouble, he has an inner dialogue with Kurama and suddenly he mastered the two man team with no prior training. Rikkodu Sennin touches him once and suddenly he’s learnt how to grow eyes, stop death and fly just like that.

The series stopped being the Naruto series we grew up with post Danzo and it saddens me.

• Naruto Sensei - 

And finally my last and greatest disappointment of all. Not seeing Naruto as a sensei. We’ve seen glimpses of his nurturing side in his interactions with Konohamaru but I’d have loved to have seen 40-50 episodes of him leading his own squad of genins. A perfect combination of Kakashi and Guy as he’d wow them with his brilliance and equally embarrass them in day to day interactions with his goofy tomfoolery. His genins would be in awe of him. Naruto Sensei - the hero of the war. 

His students could have an arrogant son/daughter of a feudal lord who insisted he be trained by the war hero, Naruto and Kakashi had to cave in for diplomatic reasons. Naruto refuses to take anyone who doesn’t work hard to get where they are but after the bell test sees potential in the child. A child with no ninja background. His parents were farmers outside of Konoha who were very poor. His sole aim is to be a ninja so strong that he’s always assigned big missions that will help him ease his family’s financial burdens. A genin from the Inuzuka clan (or any other clan, maybe even Hanabi if the show wanted to push more Naruto-Hinata interactions) who thinks he’s better than the other 2 because of his family background but is taught humility by Naruto.

Sadly another development in Naruto’s life we were denied.

Well that’s my rant essay. I know a lot of people won’t agree with what I had to say but I wanted to get it off my best anyway. Why? 

Because I wanted to dattebayo!

[mirazilla]

So a complete chat blanc theory~~

Damn, I’m pretty sure chat actually did murder everyone. —or maybe he froze them or smth?? cuz he and the whole destroyed Paris has a very blue hue— Since this is a kids show I doubt anyone will die, but maaaaybe he did kill them all with cataclysm, cuz we’ve seen volpinas illusion do just that before in catalyst.

Ok, just from the trailer, he looks like a rogue Akuma, the most dangerous kind. How did this happen? Now let me explain...

Let’s start from the beginning, after sadly returning to his room from winning what seems a tournament of sorts ( he has a medal) which probably his father missed, he sees ladybug leave a love letter from marinette on his bed (pray god he connects the dots and finds out ladybugs identity).

So he calls her to invite her to his house, —marinette has an umbrella maybe it’s the same one he gave her on origins?—then tells her about his discovery and his acceptance of her love. Marinette is obviously distressed, she wanted Adrien to love marinette not ladybug!!

So after running from the situation hawkmoth tries to akumatize her. Smth that i thought was weird is adrien transforming into chat for everyone to see. Like, I know marinette is his friend and all, but to risk it all for a regular person to not be akumatized?? He must know she’s ladybug, because if ladybug gets akumatized, it’s game over. (well now that I think of it, if either of them get akumatized is game over,heh)

After saving marinette from a possible akumatization he’s outed as chat noir. Gorilla is in the background so he obvs takes chat into the house and tells Gabriel. Gabriel then takes chat where he keeps Emile, transforms into hawkmoth and then tells him how to get his mom back with the help of the cat and bug miraculous. (They probably kick marinette out of the house and close the doors on her nose, so she can’t intervene)

Hawkmoth offers to akumatize him to give him strength to take down ladybug, but after his doing this, chat will most likely go insane and on a killing spree, cuz akumatization enhances negative emotions and he has plenty of that.

Now there’s two ways this can go

He kills hawkmoth OR he takes hawkmoths miraculous instead cuz he doesn’t want to be controlled by anyone, least of all people his father, the very man who controls every single aspect of his life but seems to be ever absent from it and thus this is where the medal from earlier comes to play, he still feels salty about his father not giving a shit about him winning his tournament/ not being there, so boom extra motivation.

Now either way, he goes outside and finds marinette. Tells her he beated hawkmoth (maybe showing her his miraculous) and asks for her miraculous to bring his mom back, she freaks out and transforms. They battle for a while, destroying all of paris in the way, but he ends up overpowering her so she detransforms into marinette and after not giving up her miraculous he kills her with his cataclysm snapping fingers shooting gun thingy. Destroying her miraculous while doing so and accidentally ruining his plan on getting his mom back.

So after destroying everything, he just waits,,, for someone to reach out to him?? Plagg?? His father? Anyone? He just seems so dang lonely.

So now with the solution:

Bunnix goes back in time to get past ladybug to help—I’m pretty sure that this is like a tradition for all the bunnixes in time, like the bunnix before the actual one did it, the one before her did it, and so on on so forth—. ( to clarify which past ladybug, probably the one before she leaves that dang note on adriens bed, maybe she’s writing it or smth)

Note how she has ladybugs head on a pot to cover her eyes. Maybe time traveling can be mind blowing for anyone other than the rabbit miraculous holder or Bunnix didn’t want her to see the level of destruction chat blanc has made and to make her become overwhelmed by it.

Also she’s gone in the little fight chat and ladybug have so she doesn’t want to/can’t interfere more than she already has or maybe the bunnix from the future told her it must be this way or smth?? Time travel is confusing... ( or chat killed her too, who knows)

Anyway, Chat blanc looks very excited and happy to see her, almost as if it’s been a long time since he last saw her — we don’t know how long this kitty has been waiting all alone in this apocalyptic world— and this clearly is the first time this ladybug sees him.

He reaches out to her and tries to make her cooperate into giving him her miraculous the pacifist way, ( look how surprised she is when he grabs her ears, he’s also super close to her, so they where talking, maybe she was trying to talk some sense to him or smth) but after her refusal he just tries to snatch them from her. This time he will be more careful and will try not to kill her, so we can get a “nerfed” chat blanc instead of the killing mode one.

Either ladybug wins this time ( there’s a theory on how that goes out at the end of this one✨✨) OR, she looses again and has to retreat.

Now for the spicy bit of my theory I’m basing this whole thing in this old spoiler pic of ladybug in Gabriel’s secret basement. (I know all of paris is flooded but this seems like a bunker of sorts?? Idk)

In their fight, chat blanc spilled the beans and said smth about gabriel, his father, being hawkmoth. So after this big ass reveal, she’s overpowered by him. Barely manages to escape and without anyone to go to, she decides to go to the agreste manor. (The lucky charm she summons during the fight can be a butterfly) talks to the now detransformed hawkmoth and they team up to defeat chat blanc. This can go three ways

1. Gabriel uses the peacock miraculous and creates a sentimonster out of his or ladybugs grief to beat chat blanc. (this one is unlikely, cuz we haven’t seen any designs of peacock Gabriel before, while we’ve seen designs for everyone else, mister bug, lady noir, turtle master fu, etc.)

2. he gives her advice on how to get better at fighting or use her miraculous better, idk.

3. And the evil one: Ladybug takes Emilie and Gabriel ( he helps her to come up with this idea) and lures chat out. She gives him an ultimatum, destroy your Akuma ( most probably it’s in the ring which already makes it difficult for ladybug to win without his cooperation) or she drops his family ( maybe she has them hanging from her yo-yo or smth, god damn this got dark). Chat cooperates and destroys his ring —I don’t think taking out his ring will affect his transformation— she casts the miraculous ladybug, bunnix returns from the dead and takes her back to her time. ( lets hope that this miraculous ladybug erases everyone memories or maybe one of bunnixes powers does. I mean, she has the power to time travel, she must have some cool memory erasing thingy from when she fucks up or smth idk. She erases ladybugs memories, tells her to not write that dang love letter and disappears)

✨✨NOW for the option where ladybug defeats chat on that buildings roof top.

Ladybug manages to snatch chats ring from him, but this doesn’t have any effect on him whatsoever and she can’t transform herself into lady noir to destroy it cuz it’s basically impossible and besides the ring is the home of an Akuma so it will behave as a regular ring so no plagg either.

We have another two way situation:

1. she tricks chat blanc into destroying it somehow, fixes everything with the miraculous ladybug, bunnix takes her back before she can see anything else, the end. (most likely outcome tbh, cuz in this version she never figures his identity but she’s left with the knowledge of the dangers of having chat akumatized, which is neat)

2. she flees to the agreste manor and Gabriel helps her purify the ring without breaking it (the dude knows his stuff about the miraculous so it’s possible)

Either way, since bunnix and time travel is also involved, no one will remember shit from this.... like, marinette is with her hair down in this episode and in loveeater (the season finale) adrien emphasizes how he’s never seen her like that sooo, this episode won’t even happen, it will have have absolute zero consequences in the plot and will most likely go insane because of it, so we are in for a ride.

YES YOU HAVE BUT YOU DONT REMEMBER/ IT NEVER HAPPENED.

Damn that was a long rant... it has many holes but hey, I had fun.

[rkkyg]

mnet global audition season 5 ( the callback ) 

contestant ;  kim yugyeom ( dancer )  performance ; solita - prettymuch ( original choreo ) [ 0:00 - 1:19 ] 

waiting for any news as to what was going on for the mgas had been a little stress inducing. he wanted to make it, wanted this chance to really get his name out there again. he’s done things already, there was that thing for the kt game back a few months ago. and then he recently had an audition with sphere ( which ended with nothing happening sadly ) so he knows that he’s at least on some radar. 

but what radar is it? 

who’s attention has he caught? or is he still not quiet high enough on the scale to really be noticed. the rader he fell on still being a small one that doesn’t do much for him. he’s not quiet like some of his friends who have been in things where they’re bound to be noticed sooner. he’s not some handsome model, or ex trainee like hyunggu, or even someone who’s been to a lot of auditions and shows.

that means he’s going to have to work harder. 

and he’s fine with that. fine with the idea of needing to work harder if he ever wants to achieve his goals. accepting of the fact that the road ahead, the road he has chosen to be on, is going to be tough. and that it might take a while for him to really get his foot into the door way but that doesn’t mean he was going to give up, not in a long shot. 

yet still, it was hard waiting for any news especially since he was also waiting on the news for hyunggu and news for suwoong. and his other friends. he wanted them to make it in it so them to be on the show together. especially hyunggu. 

just thinking about being on this with his best friend was all kinds of exciting.

he’s always thought about it before. ever since him and hyunggu has become friends, ever since the two of them formed dynamite, and ever since he begun getting to perform with hyunggu near every weekend when they busk. hes thought about it. 

i really want to perform on stage with this guy.

there’s no one he likes performing with more than his best friend. 

an then he received the news. the callback for the first episode, he’d gotten the call back and so had his friends. so had hyunggu. but apparently this didn’t guarantee that he would be on the show. one more audition to try and get onto the show, to make it before the eyes of the judges. now he’s gotten the chance and he wasn’t going to let it go to waist. 

all his free time between getting the callback and the actual day of recording was spent practicing. this time around he wasn’t asking hyunggu for help in making the dance. see, normally he turns to the younger for assistance mainly due to the fact that while yugyeom is a good dancer--hyunggu is a better choreographer. that said, yugyeom is able to choreograph when he wants or needs to and thats exactly what he does. his song of choice was actually one he had been wanting to do a dance to for a while. 

getting going on making a new dance was often hard for him, but after a few hours of mainly fucking around, he ended up with a solid foundation. by the time it was the day of the callback audition he felt confident and comfortable in what he was going to show off on stage. 

the day of he arrives early as he does for most things. yugyeom tending to be rather good at being on time despite how he may seem. he’s planning to meet up with his best friend and the two of them were going to sit together. having heard they could pick seats. so they were going to the right side to meet up and thats what yugyeom did. 

he went to the right side.

wait. 

he’s standing on the side he thinks is right, and happens to spot across the stage a familiar of his best friend. his head spins around and he’s gazing at every one around him a little confused. before--with no hesitation--he turns and books it across to the other side. recognizing that he had gone to the left and not the right. 

“dont say a word.” he mutters as he drops into the chair next to hyunggu. already sensing the judgement and amusement from his friend. and while others are still getting seated he takes the time to look around to see whos near by and if he knows anyone. he spots su--of course, since the other had also run across stage with him--sitting beside him and slaps the others thigh as he spins around to look behind. there’s a lot of faces he doesn’t know, but there’s also a lot he does know. 

he spots joohyun, his old coworker. spots some faces he knows from having watched the last season of mga including the guy behind him. fuck he remembers this guy. 

“ah... kang daniel, long time no see.” he greets almost tensely, as if trying to make it seem as if their one and only meeting hadn’t been an utter disaster. not wanting to cause a scene or issue, he faces front again and his hand finding it’s way to hyunggus knee as he leans in to talk quiet to the other about thoughts on the audition--dance related questions that he always turns to the younger for. as said before, he knows he’s a good dancer--confident in his skills--but hyunggu has more experience. has more technical knowledge. 

soon enough everyone is seated and the show begins. 

it’s interesting actually getting to see all these different performances and seeing the skill sets and talents that the other contestants have. yugyeom watches intently, especially with the dancers, to pick out weakness in anyone. his gaze sharp, and rarely actually looks away from the stage even when leaning in to say something to one of his friends around him. making comments on performances, or the people performing. 

he’s especially critical of the dancers, though most of his comments on been on the constructive criticism side of things. not wanting to seem mean. and also not wanting to be discouraging because it takes guts to step up onto that stage and perform before so many people. 

some of his comments on merely on appearance though... 

“oh... he’s hot--a dancer? damn.” 

“wooow look how pretty her hair is, so shiny. it looks really healthy.”

“that guys legs could kill me and i’d thank him.” 

those comments were mostly saved for his best friend though, leaning over for the younger to hear him and typically grinning after.

then hyunggu gets called, and yugyeoms attention is even more focused on the stage. he leans forward, elbows braced on his knees and fingers laced together as he watches in an almost nervous way as hyunggu makes his way to the stage. his knee bouncing a bit. 

of course he had no reason to be worried. hyunggu performs like he’s meant to be on the stage, dancing and moving around as if he really belongs there and yugyeom finds himself relaxing with each move. his expression turning to one of pure pride and admiration for the younger. and as hyunggu comes over to their side, he’s jumping up with everyone to cheer along. showing his unwavering support for his best friend. 

hyunggu comes back up and then it’s only a few more names before yugyeoms gets called by katie lee. the katie lee. he’s always been interested in kt, having admired lc9 for a long time. and the ceo of said company just said his name. his face morphing into a look of shocked awe, before he realizes he needs to get up and perform. 

“hello i’m kim yugyeom.” he introduces, bowing once he’s on stage and then getting ready to get going on his dance. his fingers tapping at his thigh as the nerves come back, wanting to do good but second guessing himself on the dance.  wondering if he should have chose something else, practiced something else. maybe just have done a cover instead of working on a whole new choreography days before this audition. he thinks, he could have done anything else. 

he swallows. 

focus, yugyeom. 

the music starts.

his nerves wash away. 

he thinks of this as if he were busking--back when he had first started busking and it was important to be good at dancing to draw people. back when he was so desperate for the money given to him from tips that he worked his ass off to really kill the dances he would do. when he was trying to do fan service while also perfecting whatever dance he was covering. 

he thinks of it as how he dances with dynamite. how comfortable and at ease he feels when with the two members of his group, how much fun he has dancing with them. he thinks about how much fun it could be to end up in a company with hyunggu. to be able to keep dancing with his best friend and maybe make it on stage together one day. 

he thinks ah yes, thats the dream. that’s the vision. to be on stage with his best friend. to perform with kang hyunggu. and he feels himself relax. 

the music flows through him as he begins the dance. hours and hours of sweat and frustration to get to this point where he moves through the motions of the dance as if he were born for it. his body so at ease now as he does each move and each step, mouthing along with the words as he goes. he’s in his zone. this is what he wants to be doing. he wants to perform. and doing well here and now is a good first step to getting to perform more. to getting himself onto those big stages.

a plus side of being a busker means his facial expressions are something he’s worked on. he knows some dancers--mainly ones who has only ever dances in studios--forgot to think about their expressions. forget that dancing also needs to expression emotions and if his expression doesn’t match that emotion he could ruin the whole thing. 

he recalls watching hyunggu during practices. when he younger would be showing off a new dance or something but yugyeom was focused on his face and from there he found himself working on his own expressions. working to match the same energy and feeling output that hyunggu has when he dances. wanting to be able to captivate someone with not only his movements but also his feeling. 

he knows that comes from the feeling he tries to portray when he dances. and that expression is important for that. 

he’s very glad his song of choice was an upbeat one. it’s easy enough to keep himself looking hyped. especially when every time he looks to the right of the stage all his stupid friends sitting there get loud as fuck. it makes him grin, and he throws a heart that way at one point, then even gets bold and while looking at hyunggu he throws a kiss. it’s fun. 

this is so much fun, is all he can think as he goes through the dance. feeling the music, feeling the movements. this is so much fun. 

and when the song ends, he’s not ready to be done. 

he breathes in a few times deeply to calm himself--not quiet winded despite the fact he really did put his all in the dance but luckily he’s got stamina going for him--and all he can think he that he’s not ready to be done. 

even as he bows and thanks the judges. 

even as he walks back to his seat, getting high fives and comments from his friends. even as he settles next to hyunggu again and turns with an expectant look to his best friend. 

even then there’s a burn inside. a fire--like a hunger that’s burning inside of him with desire. 

the desire to be on the stage.