#saying this bc it is very much a recurring problem

[lains-reality]

hello! i rlly love your blog and the way you explain things

how do i just apply? whenever i do i stress that i’m doing it wrong because i feel overwhelmed by the amount of info and things i have to make sure i’m doing right then i spiral and over consume again. i don’t want to rely on tumblr anymore.

what’s the simplest way to apply all of this and just “manifest” (i don’t rlly like this word bc it implies there’s a process or that i’m trying to get) my dream life? thank you

hi! ty!

it takes some courage! i also read a lot as a way to feel secure, but eventually i just got tired and just decided 'i have no more fears from this day on! done with this!' and i made it a practise to stop avoiding myself whenever something comes up

its all very natural, i can't say how you'll just finally decide that your over this lol

"whenever i do i stress that i’m doing it wrong because i feel overwhelmed by the amount of info"

well, learn how to stop yourself in the moment. you're putting too much pressure on your character! it only know what it knows now, it will not accept anything outside of what it already knows! thats why you leave it alone. read all you want to read, but stop when you feel like you have to. like you must. let yourself relax.

"i don’t want to rely on tumblr anymore."

good! keep going!

"what’s the simplest way to apply all of this"

just do it. try it and see. something that is a recurent theme in all the posts and book i read, is to try it. experiment. just for this one moment, let all the worries go. promise to never make problems for yourself again. you've given up troubles now, no more. just test it and see. surrender. let the mind cry and scream, for this moment, you won't allow it to deter you from freedom.

i'll give a list of stuff that helped me

theres only now -> stop bringing the past to now, learn to sit in the present moment

stop avoiding emotions, sit with the fear, discomfort etc

you already are Self! nothing can undo that!

be patient

non attachment (or detachment)

experiment - take something you already know and test it

question everything

find out what are the stories you want, what the desire will supposedly give you

it is not necessary to get rid of thoughts or images just stop deriving identity from them

"am i arguing for my limitations?"

soon more lovely thoughts and images will appear in your awareness and you can choose what you want

can you outgrow it? not you. observe it? not you. in the absense of it, you don't dissapear? not you.

be okay with not having it. get to a place where no one and no thing can disturb you (and your happiness and peace)

just see how absurd all this shit is. like i was born? what was it like before i was born? why is it normal to hear your voice in your head? no one knows what tomorrow is but we all worry abt it, where tf does the voice in your head come from? how can we actually identify feelings, what if the feeling pride isn't actually pride and you've been lied to? do you know how crazy this is for an infant?! we say we are an [x] person and that changes and so we say we are an [y] person, so who are we?? if we can change like that? being a human is confusing, seek the truth out and question all

just start to disidentify as the body-mind. when you disidentify as the body-mind you'll start to feel better as all the pressure you put on your character falls away. this will intice you to keep going as you feel freer!

have fun!! go and live life!! appriciate what you have now - this is all expressing the character, omnipr3sence, perfectly! you'll start to see "i barely thought abt x 2 days ago and now i see it here lol" "i was worrying about y and now i see it here too" "oh so this comes along with being the character too, maybe i should change that story"

you're in your own dream, see it as your dream and you'll start seeing the connections.

no need to convince the character, just move on. let yourself doubt this 'reality'

disclaimer: i'm still learning too! so please keep practising and have your own epiphanies!

reading

habit

no need to convince

behaviour

[jemmo]

to say im in love with the most recent ep of my personal weatherman would be a gross understatement bc my god, i dont think a show has ever pulled off two idiots that are in love and don’t know how to express it so perfectly. 

(put in a read more bc wow that got long)

and this ep is perfect for that bc it explains so well segasaki’s behaviors and attitudes up to this point, where we previously hadn’t got to see that much behind his curtain. we’ve seen yoh, we’re privy to his inner thoughts a lot, and we know why he’s in a difficult place with his feelings at the moment, and we know the way he perceives segasaki, which was complicated to begin with and has only gotten more so. but in this ep, we get to see this whole journey of where segasaki has come from, why he is the way he is, and how he found some kind of solace with yoh, and why he’s panicking at the idea of that solace crumbling.

and it’s genius bc it’s a backstory i never really saw coming, it’s one of the few times i could predict something in a bl. this idea of him not being an outright people pleaser, more so just a good observer of the status quo and acting accordingly to get by with as few problems as possible. and with his looks, his general demeanor and such, it means he can easily integrate with these ‘popular’ people who aren’t actually popular, they just act the way that they think gains them popularity, namely acting superior. it’s never that segasaki was like that, they were just his social security blanket.

(and no, it does not escape me that this set up is very much like utsukushii kare and I’d very much like to dive into how those shows take this same basis to establish in some ways very different and in other ways very similar relationships, and why so often with these dynamics we see these recurring themes of like… extreme obsession and dependency and a fear of being left, but another day)

I think what was a real breakthrough for segasaki wasn’t just first glance, but seeing those drawings of himself yoh did, seeing himself being that removed and void and emotionless and realizing that this random kid he didn’t even know and who’d only seen him for a moment could see that in him. and it’s this simultaneously realization in himself and these burgeoning feelings for yoh that lead to this change. he’s not dropping the mask, it’s more so that he feels this comfort around yoh that he’s never felt before and so he’s suddenly realizing how exhausting it is to put on the act. and he’s both treacherous and unsure and unwilling to expose himself in that way, but also feels this need to reject it now that he knows the weight of it.

and just like that, as soon as it slips, as soon as he lets yoh in, my god he just becomes fixed. he just like yes, this one, he’s mine, end of story. but it’s insane to me that, despite all the undertones, none of it is romantic at this point, and even to where we are in the present, none of it is ever presented or established as a romantic relationship between them. it’s sexual and dependent, bc they both know they need each other, segasaki especially, but they just aren’t able to recognize that it is romantic. and it keeps coming back to this thing about smiling, that the other never smiles for them, or segasaki saying i can smile better than that, they just want to see each other happy, and they want that happiness to be because of them. but bc of the mental places they come from, my good they just cannot do that. it’s such a mental block for them both. yoh is coming from this place of having complicated feelings but all the way back in those early eps, he did all this stuff for segasaki and just got indifference in return and he just wants to feel like those efforts are appreciated, that he is appreciated, and when segesaki said what he did about his manga, that’s the clearest way yoh has got the message that segasaki doesn’t appreciate him as a person. meanwhile segasaki is just so dependent on yoh at this point but still has this lingering tendency not to show his true emotions and remain stoic and removed bc that’s just what he’s used to, and while he does try to communicate his feelings for yoh in some ways, they’re just not the best and yoh doesn’t register, hence the way he behaves, so uptight and on edge around segasaki, that when he sees yoh smiling or having fun or at ease around other people, he just panics and goes to extremes and you know… ties yoh up. he just can’t handle the idea of yoh finding happiness elsewhere bc then he’ll leave and segasaki will suffocate. literally, going back having that front on all the time, like when he’s at work, with no escape, it’ll stifle him so much he can’t breathe. but this is where segasaki needs to start unlearning what he’s used to and being honest and open, and equally yoh needs to speak up for himself if he wants something to change.

but also with yoh, and i wrote about this before when i said this show was like watching two people trying to reconcile with and navigate wanting a dom/sub relationship, or at least something with those undertones, and not just sexually (or even sexually at all), but in their dynamic. bc in these flashbacks we see the essences of that kind of relationship that they have shown up to now, and this is their first prolonged interaction, which shows this isn’t just something that’s been put on them or evolved into per say, it’s a way they naturally behave, their tendencies, that manage to sync up. yoh is instantly willing and eager to serve, to tend to segasaki, not just feed him but cook for him where he isn’t a proficient cook just bc segasaki said he doesn’t like convenience food as an offhand comment. like not many people would go and make a full curry in a guy’s house you’ve talked to maybe 4 times just for that reason, but he does. equally, he goes out and buys a whole range of drinks and puts them out for segasaki to pick bc he hopes that in those choices he picked the one that was right, and in that small interaction of segasaki saying he didn’t mind then picking one, the way yoh goes from disheartened to happy with himself. he wants to look after segasaki, to serve him, and his feelings get complicated when, as we saw with those drinks, he doesn’t get appreciated for it. so when he does the cooking and cleaning and laundry and segasaki doesn’t seem happy about it, that’s when he gets annoyed and angry.

and on the other side, you see segasaki immediately unleash this need to be the only person in yoh’s life, this obsession, to know him the most, and for him to be the only person yoh does these things for. he eats a curry and asks for the rest to be saved in tupperware for him to eat later solely bc he wants to be the only one that knows the exact way in which yoh’s cooking is bad. he wants the joy of someone asking yoh if he can cook, and yoh saying he can make curry, for only him to know he actually can’t, it’s awful. and it’s the way the underlying thing of it is seeing these bad points, these weaknesses of yoh, is what he enjoys as well as the want to see him happy only for him and only because of him. it’s wanting to be able to hold those extremes over yoh, make him overjoyed bc he appreciates him and praises him so much, but also squirm and feel bad bc he knows the ways in which he is imperfect, bc he doesn’t see them as flaws, he sees them as the intricate ways he knows all of yoh there is to know. if that does not scream dom, idk what does.

and what i hope for in this final ep is some kind of exploration in finding happiness in the exact kinda fucked up way their relationship works. i want segasaki to tie yoh up and say these things about him not being allowed to see other people, and for yoh to both stand up for himself but also kind of… like it. it’s such a hard line to tread bc you don’t want to present some of these things as ok, but I think it’s important to show that before you can behave these ways knowing it’s ok, and esp if you don’t have good communication, you have to kind of just… do it. and i think these people care enough about each other that it would never cross the line, but at least in this fictional space it feels like it needs to be there for them to explore it and find the ways they both enjoy it (and im saying this fully only commenting on this in fiction and the way the story is, not a real life situation) anyway, I just think it would be great to show how, in a roundabout, messy way, these two people manage to get on the same page and communicate better and enjoy the ways they are dependent on and obsessed with each other bc at the end of the day they are just so fucking in love with each other, and this is just the way that’s expressed. it’s not gonna be a case of oh I see I was too much I was wrong I love you let’s me a nice happy lovey dovey couple, it’s very much i love you I’m obsessed with you our dynamic is still our dynamic but now we just smile a lot more bc we know we are both happy with the way we love each other. it’s about removing that grey area of doubt for both of them, knowing yes I am appreciated and yes I won’t be left, bc they learn the ways to show their feelings to each other that removes those doubts.

and finally, both bc i forgot earlier and bc i loved it so much and it made me cry a lot (it’s been a long week, spare me), I wanna talk about that prolonged head pat. the way segasaki does it, not just a pat but playing with the hair and down to his ear, more like the actions of an inquisitive baby than anything else, bc that’s what he is in that moment, inquisitive as to why this boy makes him feel this type of way, and the way yoh keeps glancing to it and doing that small laugh that you do when something seems awkward and you wanna draw attention to it hoping someone will see it’s awkward and stop, or at least acknowledge it, bc he’s uncomfortable, but segasaki doesn’t do anything, doesn’t stop or acknowledge what he’s doing, he just carries on, and it’s almost like he looks at yoh as to say no I’m not stopping I’m gonna do this yes it might be weird and kinda awkward but I want to do it so I will and i won’t be the one to stop myself just bc you’re signaling that you’re a little uncomfortable. and ultimately yoh does nothing, doesn’t move the hand, doesn’t even move away from the touch, he just lets it happen, let’s the moment be weird and uncomfortable but also feels that weird joy from it. and like… at least for me, that’s the spark of someone finding out they like that weird idea of being praised and appreciated, and it’s magical that segasaki ignites that in him bc of the specific way he is at his core, not the mask but instead letting feeling out and acting on impulse, being brazen and forward and not backing down when he does something. I just thing it’s beautiful that you see in these flashbacks all these small ways in which they discover the dynamic of their relationship and how it proves that there can be a future where they’re both happy in it after they get over their own doubts and learn to communicate better. honestly this show is just such a treat to pick apart and explore lenses to read it from and god i don’t want it to end

[worflesbian]

right okay i dont know exactly how persistent an issue this is bc i almost never go into the tags on this website, but even ive noticed this happening so i feel like that’s justification to make a post about it. the whitewashing of julian bashir as an established Thing not just in the fandom but in official merch has been discussed before, but recently i’ve noticed the inverse happening with martok and b’elanna, a white character and a lighter latina character who people seem to often draw darker than they are in canon. and there’s like. a Lot going on there to unpack.

so this video goes into some detail about the racism baked into the origins and design of the klingons in tos, it’s very informative about the anti-asian stereotypes especially in a 60s context but i feel like it doesnt really cover the way that antiblackness becomes a more significant factor in the next gen era so like. if you didn’t know, the majority of the klingon characters in the next gen-ds9-voyager era are either played by actors with dark skin or Very frequently by white actors in heavy dark makeup. if you look up the actors of grilka, alexander, kehleyr, and sirella for example you’ll see what im talking about like the difference is Stark and these are some of the main recurring klingons across both shows. hopefully i do not need to explain why packing white actors in brown makeup to play members of a species characterised as violent, warlike and animalistic is racist. i say hopefully bc who knows with this website. anyway i’d recommend this video for a wider context on the legacy of blackface in tv!

martok is a rare example of a klingon played by a white actor who, as far as i can tell, does not have his skin significantly darkened. so to see him frequently being drawn with darker skin is uh Slightly Concerning given everything in the previous paragraph! ive even seen art where he’s drawn darker than julian in the same post which... anyway im not trying to blanket condemn reinterpreting the design of alien characters in fanart, but i am asking white fans like myself in particular to think critically as to why, out of all the white characters and aliens on ds9, martok is the one you want to do that with.

because b’elanna is not a white character i think its a slightly different situation, but at the same time she does have lighter skin and i have seen fanart of her drawn much much darker and once again, im not condeming it especially in works ive seen which explore the relationship bewteen her latina and klingon identities, but its something white fans need to handle carefully. in the voyager episode Faces where she gets split into a human and klingon version of her (dont have time to unpack all that) you can see the difference in undertones between human b’elanna and klingon b’elanna (also included a pic of regular b’elanna for reference). the brown makeup is obvious here too and if you can see why it might be racist to attribute a person’s rage and violent impulses to a part of themself that is then personified as darker skinned/more brown, then you might also see some of the wider problems going on here and can understand that this is something that demands a lot of thought and consideration.

i’d like to reiterate that this is a very complex and nuanced issue, especially considering the intersection of fictional race within the setting and the racial biases operating behind the scenes/metatextually, and i’d love to discuss it more (and to cite better sources than youtube videos when i have the time). but for now i’d just like to say yeah just ask yourself what the implications might be to drawing these characters in particular darker than they are in canon, especially if theyre the only characters you do that for, or you’re intentionally contrasting them with other characters (e.g. b/7 fanart) or yk. drawing a white character darker than a character of colour like ive seen people do with julian and martok.

[chaeyunz]

happy opening, everyone! excited to introduce u to ryu chaeyun, the wolf pack skele and also professional pain in the patoots. more info will be under the cut, and i’ll be around for a while if you’d like to plot. discord is also available (and slightly preferred!)

please be warned that passive suicidal ideation is mentioned in the intro (marked w a *) & will be a general recurring theme with her character, so please proceed w caution, and do let me know if you need a sparknotes/would prefer to plot without that point!

graduated from the national university of idgafistan, with a doctorate's in idgafism and a minor’s in ijbolism. thats it, that’s all you need to know about her.

her life pre-apocalypse was pretty normal: grew up in a family of 3 with her dad and older brother. mom passed when she was young, and at mama's funeral, her grandma tells her she has shitty fate. she's literally 10 though and doesn't understand what gran's trying to say except she doesn't ever see the maternal side of her family ever again x

watched train to busan like right before the apocalypse started and decided she just wouldn't be built like gong yoo. did, and still does not have that much will to survive, but hey, she's still here!

same can't be said for her dad, who d*es in seoul qz because of a very mundane stroke. doesn't get his blood thinners on time... or at all, bc of the kdrt rationing it super strictly. her brother turns angry at the world, and somewhere in their 5 stages of grief, they make the move to the busan qz. his joining the fireflies is the natural next step for someone so full of anger towards the kdrt.

all the unprocessed grief really makes one a great member of the resistance, and he does well within the ranks of the fireflies. he goes on every mission he can, and chaeyun knows he's gone too. his body never comes back somewhere between the 10th and 20th mission. L + ratio + skill issue!

eyes turn to her, then, to carry on his legacy. problem is, she just... doesn't want to. she's happy chilling in the qz, being a silly little 21-year-old teenage girl.

a demented old lady accosts her randomly. the same shit's spouted, but this time w a twist! she's got shit astrological fate that kills the people around her. the lady's family pulls her away and apologises for her, but it lingers in the back of chaeyun's mind.

* she entertains the idea a little more than she should, and thinks everyone around her in the qz might die. has nothing more to lose (besides a delusionship over someone who barely looks her way) and if she does something useful in div4, then maybe she deserves to live.

sorry 2 everyone on the mission, 'cause she's in her terrible twos and so goddamn annoying. like, pretending to convulse and zombify annoying. pull a gun on her and she'll be like omg wow rude..... what did i ever do to u! if u can look past the chronic unseriousness then she's alright. just ur typical gen z-er.

her one strength is bouncing back from just about anything. like, she's been through. a lot. but everyday she wakes up and decides its a new day to choose violence <3

her dog is a malinois named potato (chip). better trained than her, and she loves that stupid dog so bad. classic case of tiny girl & big dog. potato sideeyes people a lot but also. is very excited and gets the zoomies 24/7 when he's not on duty. rolls over for belly rubs way 2 easy.

misc. chaeyun tingz: always has chocopies on hand. don't ask how or where she's getting them. u think she's finished the one box she's brought.. but she just keeps pulling them out. is her bag doraemon's? / very prone to nosebleeds. no reason why / keeps talking about fast food. misses mcdonald's ice cream so much. / hums under her breath. either chopin or 2016 kpop girl groups. what can she say, she's got range /

a couple plots i would like to have wld b found family.. of course. show & teach her that fate can be changed. we will all have these bitches become found family. / someone who knew her in seoul qz. can tell she's different now somehow... but can't quite put their finger on how (it's death babes x), though i'd love to brainstorm & fill any of ur wcs!

[benevadeca]

Reading yet a other mediocre villainess story 😩 👋 gotta say I can usually turn my brain off for sibling drama stories and this one has a fun aesthetic in that it seemed actually historically and culturally cohesive but it's. Bad 👍

OK as much as red head sucks FL sure like. Didn't have any comments to add about the prince basically victim blaming him for being a bastard and his parent's actions? Like rly? The girl who's also a bastard child treated with double standards has nothing to say?

Honestly at this point who even are we supposed to root for. Like I see the recurring siblings dynamics the author keeps recreating but do any of them have an actual point? Like maybe if eventually the spotlight is put on the adults who caused these problems like FL's father raising her sister to act a mess instead of alternatingly framing her as an idiot / threat (fully dependent on what the scene needs in the moment*)

* and like. It could be a meaningful element bc like she isn't the person who killed you lol. She's a child who yes is a brat and bitch and why associate with her, but if FL is able to have some redemptive cringe romance w that guy she killed then why is the sister treated as the main antagonist instead of? Idk the king for creating red's entire issues, or HER dad for creating all of HER issues?? Bc ough cannot STAND how the father is sometimes treated as like. A #ally even tho it's framed as a necessity / he does it for selfish reasons it never acknowledges like he's only helping to protect her from the #girl family infighting that HE CAUSED!!!

And the FL chosen by the God of Justice or something but. Why? Bc she had strong feelings for vengeance? Bc they don't like that their divine right of kings was infringed upon by the coup d'etat? But then wouldn't the blondie have been a more interesting protagonist he kind of has FL syndrome in poisoned and having to learn to have a backbone so he doesn't get killed lol.

Tldr:

Just another bad medieval fantasy style girlboss fantasy that never tackles the harder social issues of their settings like the misogyny of women only being able to gain power through men or daughters only viewed as things to sell off / gain status through by their fathers / husbands. But it's OK bc FL actually grows to like princey even tho the narrative wouldn't never let them be together if he wasn't in an appealing position. Or like, question the power systems of their empire or religion settings in ways outside of the protagonists gaming the systems for themselves.

I knowww this isn't the genre to be looking for any of that in but yeesh, like I do think there's genuine subversive potential for these very amateurish, ultimately self-fulfilling Mary Sue "overcomes vague struggle to end up with love/power through underhanded means" villainess type stories. Too bad actual thematical cohesion is too much to expect lol!

[honeysuckle-venom]

So unlike most people I know, I am for the most part physically healthy. I do not, as far as I know, have any underlying physical health problems except anemia and some recurring skin problems.

But. I'm a little worried that's not actually true. For several years now whenever I've gotten blood tests my white blood count has been elevated, indicating inflammation/infection of some kind. But I've always felt fine, so we've ignored it. But the hematologist ordered a test for something that specifically measures inflammation called c-reactive protein. And my results came back today and it's elevated. Very very elevated. The reference range for the test is between 0 and 5, mine is 105. And I've gotten this test before throughout the years and it's never been below 60, though it's always been written off before as due to a temporary infection I guess. His office called first thing this morning and told me I needed to schedule an appointment with my PCP about it, so I did. She and I are talking at 5 and I'm sure the main thing she'll say is I need to get more blood tests.

I'm just worried bc that and my white cell count have both been elevated for years, which could point to an autoimmune disease. And my mom has an autoimmune disease. As does pretty much everyone else I know. And I...don't want one? The thing is I don't really have other autoimmune symptoms? I'm tired a lot, but I'm also anemic and have the Mental Illness, both of which cause fatigue. And I get sick more than most people, and have some mild ongoing stomach problems and whatever. It's like my body is always the tiniest bit off? But not in any big way, and I don't have pain or anything. I figured that was all just from chronic stress and the Mental Illness TM. Which like, physical illnesses like autoimmune disorders are often also heavily influenced by childhood trauma and chronic stress so it's not like that can't be true even if there is some underlying something, but my point is I never thought there was an underlying anything. Idk. Maybe it's nothing but...these kinds of numbers seem to be likely to indicate some kind of something. And I don't really want there to be a something. I guess we'll see.

[troglobite]

lksjdflkdjf

she legitimately hurt my feelings when she said "that's unusual" and then condescendingly changed her explanation to be so over the top as to be more confusing.

but if i tell her that, she'll probably just get angry and defensive.

idk what's wrong w her.

but it's really fucking hurtful and frustrating that i know Something Is Wrong if i appear to somehow be pissing her off at every turn

even tonight watching tv, i'm just really tired bc i'm on my period (and also i cried for literally my entire therapy session today so i'm not doing great)

and i was fine pausing or rewinding or telling her what ppl were saying--bc there were no captions and it was taskmaster and she's notoriously bad w accents, and sometimes even i can't catch whatever it was they said.

but she didn't understand one task, so i tried to explain

she didn't indicate that she didn't understand

i was confused abt which part she wasn't understanding, bc she wasn't entirely wrong

then she said something abt it again, but it didn't clarify whether she understood or not, just a statement abt the task, so i paused to explain, and she got upset with me.

she cut me off.

and i'm just like.

i'm. trying.

idk what to do.

and i know she's pre-angry abt everything bc she told me to text her when i wake up tomorrow bc she "has a lot of chores to do"

which implies they'll be loud

which implies they'll be difficult

and she hurt her knee last night and felt sick tonight

but she

hasn't told me what the fuck the chores are

hasn't asked me to help with them

she automatically assumed i won't help

but when i offer or ask to help w things, she turns me down

and then when she's angry w me and i'm feeling particularly bad or can't do something, she lashes out at me.

this. isn't constant. it's just recurring.

and i'm. feeling. like, really fucking fragile rn.

so i'm just tired.

i'm just tired of always being a problem. of never being worth anything unless i can do something for other people. and even then sometimes i manage to step in it or be annoying or piss people off.

"it's about them, not you"

that's nice. even if/when it's true, it doesn't change the fact that i'm the one being hurt.

logically i know (bc i've had to learn on my own, i haven't actually been told this) that something is upsetting my mom or stressing her out, and that's why she's annoyed w me or snipping at me.

but that doesn't change the fact that she called her autistic kid unusual for needing something explained in a different way bc i was confused/it was unclear. and that she then deliberately made the instructions more unclear in a condescending fashion, to "prove" that i was being stupid. and then got mad at me when i kept pushing back and saying it's not unusual, all i needed was "face this direction" and i would understand, but "turn" is unclear.

like legitimately i'm doing so badly that i'm just thinking abt it again and i'm literally crying lol

idk what to do with any of that.

i feel like i can't do anything.

and i've felt like i was in trouble in therapy the last few weeks (i'm not, i asked her, bc she's someone i can just ask things like that) bc i'm. Stuck. and it feels like there's nothing or very little i can do, and what is available to me has a lot of really high barriers.

and i was doing my "shooting everything down" thing at her and i felt bad. and it was wild to hear her say "i understand why you are, bc those are high barriers and things are difficult"

and i'm still scared she's mad at me, even though she calmly told me she wasn't and just wants to help me not suffer as much, bc clearly i am. and then she asked me what i wanted, bc that's what she said she wanted for me.

even if she is actually frustrated or annoyed w me--bc legitimately, who wouldn't be? everyone i've ever met has become annoyed w me at some point, usually v quickly--she at least had enough professionalism and compassion to disguise it w legitimate things that were still probably mostly true.

as my mom has said my whole life, i just shoot things down and i never change or take any advice.

i'm just unusual and stubborn and selfish and annoying, of course.

meanwhile i don't think i've ever had a conversation w someone where i felt genuinely like myself.

and when i've almost tried, it's never ended well.

i'm just self-conscious bc like. she asks me a question in therapy and i just. ramble. i'm just. thinking out loud.

bc i just legitimately don't have any other space to do that thinking.

and when i'm doing it on here i'm already fucking spiraling. so idk how helpful it really is.

idk i'm just. feeling really fucking bad abt myself. and i don't have anything happening or coming up that's gonna help w that.

ashl/y g/vin's comedy special is on sunday. i hope it's as good as i think it'll be bc i really wanna laugh. (i censored her name so nobody searching for her on tumblr finds this fucking post)

i hate feeling useless bc being useful is all anybody ever likes abt me. and sometimes being funny.

like i know i'm on my period, my back/ribs still aren't better, my acid reflux tried to kill me two days ago, and my finch app is fucking broken and support hasn't gotten back to me and i haven't been able to use the app for three fucking days now--so i'm feeling More.

but i still just. feel this way.

and she hurt my feelings. she said something that hurt me. and she did it in such a casual way and nothing was really Wrong in that moment so it came out of nowhere and idk what to make of it and i'm tired of having to process this shit on my own while she doesn't process anything. i'm tired of having this resentment.

i'm tired of finding out how tight she is on money and knowing that that'll continue to be an excuse for us not seeing a counselor together.

i'm terrified that we won't move bc she doesn't want to

i'm upset bc she said last night something that meant she assumed i wouldn't help her w any aspects of the move

i'm upset bc i historically HATE moving and really struggle w it, so she might be right that my ability to help might be low

and i'm upset that she just. says things like that. to me. and then would get upset if i took offense or was also upset.

i'm upset bc she always insists she doesn't resent me or think these things abt me and then. she so clearly does. through her actions or things she says when she's mad.

i'm just fucking tired. i'm tired of not mattering. i'm tired of fighting to not get covid, to go to therapy, to try and keep myself busy, to try and rest and take it easy, and it all just being Bad or Useless. and that being my fault.

i'm tired of saying this shit on a post bc if i say it to someone, i'm throwing a huge load of this shit on them to deal with, taking up their time, and then they have to try and navigate a conversation w me, and there's a risk they say something that makes me feel worse or something.

i'm tired of just abt fucking everything.

and i'm really tired bc. i cannot leave this country. i can't escape. there is no hope for that. i have to fucking believe that being in the state i am will keep be relatively safe long enough to weather fascism, bc i can't immigrate. i can't be a refugee. and i can't work in any field legit enough to get me a visa. i can't go back to school. i can't do anything.

i'm literally stuck here no matter what.

and i just want to try and enjoy myself but every relationship feels like a minefield.

all of my anxieties and fears are just a burden on everyone around me.

i'm just a burden. and not one ppl enjoy or don't mind taking on.

and when i try to enjoy things, there's always someone within arms reach to make me feel bad abt the thing i enjoy, or not engage in the thing w me and like Aggressively Not Care abt it.

and sometimes ppl aren't just making me feel bad abt what i like bc they're mean, they're making me feel bad bc socially and politically it's Bad, even though it's just sort of. middle of the road. i get lumped in w ppl that they hate and get labeled annoying for liking the things i like.

there is, quite literally, nothing that i don't feel shame or embarrassment abt rn. or even just loneliness.

and if i try to enjoy these things w other ppl who DO enjoy them, i feel......less than. like i don't know enough. or i'm not good enough. or i have the wrong opinions. or i'm enthusiastic abt the wrong parts.

i'm just gonna fucking play animal crossing and try to metaphorically bash my face against a wall until i stop experiencing life as a real person.

asking me to try and find joy or things i can control is a one-way ticket to me spiraling out of fucking control.

[hyunjinspark]

THE CLIFFHANGER ARE YOU SERIOUS I‘M- JADE, LOVE, YOU CAN‘T DO THIS TO ME!!! I‘M SCREAMING, CRYING, YODELING, THROWING UP, HEARTBROKEN- i keep wanting to write analyses/theories/praise for each new chapter but they would be way too long, whereas this just left me speechless… so all i‘m able to give you are some comments off the top of my head:

you said even though it‘s gonna be angsty it‘s not gonna be THAT bad, but i actually found it so heartbreaking. like even their cute moments somehow had me in a depressing mood (in the best way possible, trust me). i‘m such a sucker for angst.

i loved that there was finally some „conflict“ between hyun and y/n bc as i said before, every problem they‘re facing is due to external factors. when he wouldn‘t talk/come when y/n called, i legitimately wanted to cry. and then finally seeing a glimpse of a somewhat snappy y/n during the pool scene, more of that pls. i do wanna see them have an actual argument though, is that weird? (as if they aren‘t going through enough already hahaha)

also, jinnie‘s resolve slipping more and more (e.g. calling her baby, the phone sex). speaking of which, during the phone sex scene, when she said she‘d come over, i was like „FUCKING FINALLY, LET THEM MAKE LOVE“ and then so much shit went down simultaneously and then - boom - cliffhanger, i audibly HISSED, literally HISSED bc i read it at night and couldn’t scream.

hana? oh god. i‘m continuing my no-redemption-for-hana campaign. i legitimely wanted to crawl through my phone screen, give her a piece of my mind and slap her so hard her head would do a 180. yeonjun, you’re a gem, i want him as a main character, not a recurring one, like idk how you keep writing such ridiculously adorable characters without making them seem cheesy or unrealistic.

i feel like y/n is (getting) depressed. she constantly feels suffocated, she feels self-conscious, like a failure, she feels lonely, life keeps throwing shit at her and she holds so much self-hatred. while it‘s so heartbreaking to read, i definitely think you wrote those feelings so beautifully, in a sense that i could really feel the melancholy through the screen. you‘re a tremendously talented writer.

there‘s a billion things i could say, but i‘ll keep it at this for now. you outdo yourself every damn time. just wow

- 👑

i love all of your comments so dont worry about it being too long or short !! im a sucker for angst too and it does have a heartbreaking tone to it :(

thats not weird at all i love arguments between main characters its fun 🤩 and i completely get it, they finally had some internal conflict, there’ll be much more soon 🔜

jinnie’s resolve is crumbling now youre so right,,,but unfortunately the world isnt ready for them to make love yet 🙏🏻 so glad you love yeonjun though, hes a sweetheart and im glad you dont think its cheesy haha. the line between being an extremely nice character and an unreaslistic one is so very thin.

your comments about yn made my heart break, its very true that she’s feeling all of those things but im happy to be able to convey her feelings to you well.

thank you for a beautiful insight into your thoughts 🥺

[besidesitstoowarm]

"Dalek" thoughts

this episode is quintessential who. i doubt i can say anything about it that hasn't been said sooner and better, but i love the sound of my own voice even in text so,

my notes for this episode turned mostly into a list of quotes. i wish shearman had done more for the show, honestly. i have a pretty low opinion of the audio dramas in general (sorry) but he's been responsible for the most famous and best, hands down. "chimes of midnight" is iconic, just wouldn't be christmas without it

"the stuff of nightmares, reduced to an exhibit" about the cybermen. it's kind of fun to see the head of a cyberman (one of the most recognizable recurring villains of the entire show) next to the claw of a slitheen (the joke of rude). no offense to the doctor's assessment here but i think most cybermen episodes suck. "world enough and time" is the only one that's actually the stuff of nightmares

it's very telling that the doctor's terror at being trapped with a dalek turns immediately on a dime into RAGE the second he realizes it can't shoot. oh, he is angry, and he's projecting hardcore about it being a failure, worthless now that it can't kill. "the coward survived" it says. "not by choice" he says. not by choice, i think that's so telling

it's not by accident that this episode is set in america. i'm impressed at how well they predicted the rise of elon musk, van statten is exactly the type and i wish the dalek had exploded the stupid dr phil looking bitch. "why sell one cure when i can sell a thousand palliatives" kill yourself dude.

obviously there have been essays on essays written about "you would make a good dalek" so i won't go on about it too much. it still hits, but the part that i find interesting is that the episode draws this little triangle between doctor-dalek (survivors of the time war, murderers, cowards), doctor-rose ("the woman you love"), and rose-dalek (gives her dna, mutates it). we see a lot of companion-as-doctor-parallels in new who (rose in s4, doctor-donna, martha IS a doctor, amy's daughter is the doctor's wife, clara's whole thing) and so i think a natural extrapolation from this episode can be "rose would make a good dalek" like i think that could be an interesting thing to pick at. she has a really dark streak that fascinates me

got a little twinge of annoyance at the whole "you're the one pointing a gun at me" bit like i'm sorry. but it's a DALEK??? you can play that game w ANY other antagonist but i'm not going to disagree with the doctor's assessment that this thing needs to be blown to hell. i don't have an inherent problem w violence. eleven's little speech in "town called mercy" comes to mind, that's my own dark streak i guess. shoot the fucker. "oh it's changing" it is about to change into goo, when i shoot it, with my gun. bye

but i like the dalek trying to comprehend what it is now. i like that the doctor says he's sorry, bc he knows how deeply that change goes against dalek beliefs and values. it wants to feel the sun, but it's hurting. it's kind of lovecraftian but from the other side; this creature, bred selectively for violence, has had the sudden glimpse of a world with mercy, love, fear, kindness, tenderness, and it has no structural framework or capability to process what that might mean. you see this in feral animals sometimes, they snap and cringe even from gentle touch bc they do not have the part of their brain that tells them what "gentle" even is. they can't comprehend it. but the dalek can, for just a moment, and it begs to die, bc it's too much. i do feel for it here

oh also adam was here. that's all i have to say about him bye

[bykalopsia]

agito 21-30 notes

aki lasted for about as long as i expected. o7 good on you girl for knocking hojo around it made him very funny for a few episodes.

(like most things about aki) i feel like it was a bit rushed pacing-wise. bc i totally missed the point at which her and ryou's relationship got super-deep. like i thought it was cute but i wish it was a little more substantiated. esp since it's used as the basis for continued conflict b/w gills and agito

comparatively it definitely felt like the g3-x / v1 debacle overstayed its welcome. it was fun to see ozawa and hojo interact w/ shouichi though! and also hojo getting the shit beat out of him lol. and it had good development for hikawa and ozawa. ahhh i liked it it was just slow.

ultimately i don't have a problem for the mini-arc itself, it just felt like everything else ground to a halt to make time for focus on it, and considering there's a lot of stuff that happens that i feel doesn't get enough time (ryou's entire plot re: the akatsuki survivors and their powers... again more time w/ aki would have been great. i feel like we never see ryou if he isn't attacking agito or an unknown or otherwise experiencing gills-related debilitating pain. so like when the survivors blame him and eventually kill him it's like... i wish i felt a little bit more about this lol. i think a lot of good was done on this front AFTER he died [though i do know he comes back bc i have all the eps downloaded and it says so in a later episode title] i'm having a recurring feeling that the story keeps putting certain story beats off long enough that i get annoyed and then addressing them immediately after that point. ultimately it's a pacing/balancing issue for me and ik i'm finicky about this sort of thing but w/e)

to this point i really wish ryou's flashback focus episode was before his death rather than after bc if you're separating it from the chronology of the show anyways i prefer foreshadowing rather than irony but eh. however this episode was the closest i've gotten to crying yet for agito (prev was in the early episodes re: mana and her dad) but idk gills particularly really hits the "stuck in between human and monster against your will" theme that i like from kr

also this set of episodes was very devoid of rapidly-aging-baby. sad.

also shouichi getting his memories back only for two episodes was lame as hell. Why Did You Do That. esp bc the episodes were so cool and brought the apostle back into actual relevance. arggghhhhhhhhh. considering that those revelations are pretty much locked to those episodes and the questioning of why shouichi lost his memory again or the what contents of his memories were is pretty much dropped after shouichi reveals it, it sort of feels like him regaining his memories was more of a tool to reveal apostle backstory while resetting shouichi back to square one again. hhhhhhhhhh i liked serious shouichi................................

also i feel like i have lost the plot on what exactly Prettyboy Jesus has control over. unless its literally everything (the unknown the superhumans and regular humanity). him and the apostle are still cool as hell though i still am hoping they get more time as we get later and later into the show. i feel like the man vs. god conflict structure is so common in the stuff i like but it will get me 99.9% of the time it's that simple.

mana getting her powers accelerated makes me Scared but its better than her being a "Shouchi!"-bot for like 10 episodes (can you tell this pissed me off)

also i feel like the unknown are getting less interesting again. rip. the combat itself is still cool though :]

last note: we need to cut down the hikawa slapstick by like at least half. bc it is so hit or miss girl.

[notessek]

absolute minor vent on my sideblog of sideblogs bc it literally. is so insignificant. and yet. vent. and its got so little to do with this sideblog but i dont want it on main lmao

this is all exclusively irl to be clear. but i get so frustrated talking to people abt dnd - although other things to but its really evident when abt dnd - because it turns any conversation one sided. like i do enjoy hearing about peoples dnd adventures and their experiences w dnd, and i invite them! i ask! but it never turns reciprocal. and when i try and add in my own thoughts it makes me look selfish for interrupting, and i often dont get to say my 2nd sentence that would link my part back to the conversation. and this sounds sooo specific but thats because it is!!! this exact conversational framework has happened so much!!! and its just. disheartening.

like i know my prose is a bit too purple, and i know i often dont feel heard by my peers, which is why i very much make the active effort in my friendships to let people talk about the things they love. to let people wax lyrical about their dnd characters or their fanfic or their favourite indie musician on bandcamp, because when the hell else in life do you get to talk about that? i don’t!! so i want to give people that oppotunity!! and i love hearing about what other people are passionate about!! literally its one of my favourite things. but i just wish sometimes that maybe i could say more than a silly 1 liner joke and people would see that platform for what it was. and offer me the chance to talk about my dnd character or my fanfic or my weird specific petty problem that i never get to talk about. idk man on one hand i literally invite this behaviour and then get mad thats its not about me. but on the other hand this happens every single fucking day of my life and i very much worry that people think i’m callow or shallow or selfish because i didn’t share my weird stories. but it would be worse to have done so!! and be rude!! idk. the pandemic laid waste to my social ability and im not being facetious here lmao. i just wish i knew how to make conversations more reciprocal without reneging my invitation to share.

anyway i have had this conversation so many times over the last 2 months where i mention i play dnd, and i find out all the other people’s thoughts about dnd but no one even knows that i play a cleric- like, the first thing i say about playing dnd - because we didn’t get that far into my dnd experience. and it’s fine, it’s petty, im not foaming at the mouth about it. all of these conversations were fun and good and i hope the other people thought so too. i just know a lot about how other people play or want to play dnd (or insert any topic here, bc this really is recurring) but no one wants to hear my opinion. and it just kinda sucks a bit.

cant stress enough: this is a non-issue, i dont care too much, this is a vent of the highest order. nothing matters with genuine sincerity or gravity. venting for the sake of venting.

[marley-manson]

i’m honestly really impressed by the show’s depiction of BJ’s recurring flaw of not supporting Hawkeye because he’s too emotionally repressed, because as far as I can remember it’s never actually specifically discussed or even directly mentioned in dialogue, but it reoccurs often and we can see how Hawkeye and BJ’s relationship changes to reflect that flaw the more times it rears its head. then it straight up becomes the emotional centrepiece of the finale. it’s just such a fantastic bit of showing rather than telling.

like actually I think the closest anyone comes to describing this flaw of BJ’s in words is Hawkeye’s “what if I was dying, would you hold me in your arms or would you let me lie there and bleed?” and that’s not even necessarily referring to BJ’s overall lack of support so much as specifically the current conflict of BJ refusing to say goodbye. But man it really nails everything from BJ’s casual refusal to engage with Hawkeye’s looming court martial in The Grim Reaper to blowing Hawkeye off throughout most of Back Pay to dismissing his project in Depressing News to triggering Hawkeye and then running away in GFA.

it’s easily the most compelling thing about their relationship to me. (well okay I shouldn’t say easily bc the psychological torture gives it a run for its money, but yk)

and I love so much that Hawkeye’s reactions to BJ doing this initially tend to be taking offence (eg ”Will you shut up about the stupid jacket” in The Grim Reaper when he shows more outrage about his jacket being stolen than Hawkeye’s court martial) but evolve into resignation (eg silently walking away when BJ’s response to his tongue depressor monologue is sarcasm). it shows such awareness on the parts of the writers, and it makes so much sense, and it’s a wonderfully subtle thread that’s very emotionally true.

BJ’s emotional repression and lack of support is also followed through on and shown obliquely through Hawkeye simply not turning to him for support. in the latter half of the show he often opens up to Margaret instead, and she comisserates with him by sharing her own feelings. he goes to Father Mulcahy for help in Letters and Depressing News, eg. he doesn’t tell BJ about his father in Sons and Bowlers, and it’s Charles who ends up supporting him.

also it’s really interesting and kind of unique of the writers to give BJ, the best friend and most important person in the MC’s life, this flaw. his relationship with Hawkeye is objectively the most important relationship on the show, BJ is the character who means the most to Hawkeye, they are best friends, but Hawkeye doesn’t turn to him for emotional support, and BJ doesn’t offer it. it’s just so interesting, like has a best friend on tv ever consistently and pointedly refused to engage with the mc’s problems bc he’s emotionally constipated? normally the best friend is default support and if it’s uneven it’s uneven favouring the protag, but in this case the protag is the best friend’s emotional support system and he gets very little in return.

now to be fair there are examples of BJ supporting Hawkeye - eg the red party; looking for him in comrades in arms, arguably stealing the jeep at the end of back pay and otherwise going along with some of his schemes, etc - but those aren’t emotional support. they’re actions that show he cares but which don’t require any actual open honest engagement with Hawkeye’s feelings on his part, or opening up himself. when BJ opens up emotionally to Hawkeye, it’s because he needs Hawkeye’s support, like in Period of Adjustment.

and even early on, before BJ’s character was fully developed, this aspect of him still shined through in more neutral ways. in The More I See You BJ engages with Hawkeye from a place of somewhat judgy detachment and then has a thematically intriguing final scene with Hawkeye where he casually lies during a guessing game. In The Late Commander Pierce he walks away and leaves Hawkeye on the bus. In Hawk’s Nightmare his response to Hawkeye’s fear is to tell him it’s no big deal, which I’m sure is how BJ deals with feelings, but it isn’t compatible with how Hawkeye deals, as we can see when he doesn’t accept that and keeps insisting that the nightmares are fucking him up.

like honestly... Hawkeye’s “would you hold me in your arms” line is overdramatic in the context of BJ refusing to say goodbye, sure, but it does absolutely nail BJ’s overall attitude in their relationship, because he’s bad at emotional engagement and because he actively tries to keep himself at a distance, and because he does have a habit of ditching Hawkeye when he specifically just needs emotional support.

and I absolutely love it as a writing choice.

[shkspr]

ok take all of this w a grain of salt bc im typing w my eyes closed and my brain scrambled but as we all know i have a ton of opinions about doctor who and i will subject you to them or die trying

like the thing is. the doctor isnt special bc hes smart. hes not special bc hes clever or mysterious. he has advantages over ordinary humans bc he has alien knowledge and he has the time and space travel and regeneration and all that. but those advantages dont make him any better than them, fundamentally, and he knows that, and thats the core of his character. thats why the master, one of his greatest recurring antagonists and narrative foils, firmly believes that humans should be subjugated under time lords.

what makes the doctor special is how much he cares about people. what makes him special is that he uses his advantages to save people and to help people and to meet people bc he likes people. he loves people. thats the POINT. and ik this started as a rant about that one line from evangelista but it was always a rant about how that one line is indicative of everything thats wrong w moffat.

and i just think its funny that those two moffat eps (which are, on the whole, really good eps. but still Moffat Eps) are followed immediately by midnight, which is not only one of the best eps of the entire show, but specifically really really good at that human element that moffat just keeps missing. bc what gets to all those people, what worms its way into their brains, is just fear and ego and pride and letting their differences divide them.

like, professor hobbes is the perfect example of someone who thinks hes better than other people bc of how smart and learned he is. and the ep makes it very clear that this is asshole behavior on his part and not a good trait to have. and when the doctor does try to "pull rank" so to speak, he is doing it bc he genuinely has the best chance of actually solving the problem, and bc hes panicking a little bit himself. and they dont listen to him bc they think that hes acting superior, but hes not. hes not just arbitrarily deciding that hes in charge bc hes smarter than them, hes saying that he has the experience and the ability to figure out whats going on.

and the thing is, the humans on that bus dont have the experience, but they have deductive reasoning (actual regular ass deductive reasoning, not bbc sherlock deductive reasoning) and they are able to figure it out, given all the preceding events and everything the doctor said. after it gets to the doctor, after hes out of commission, dee dee and the hostess both see the truth and try to tell everyone else whats going on, and theyre only unable to convince them bc everyones too worked up and scared. also theyre both black women but i think im not gonna give the show enough credit to say they were making a Statement with that.

anyway silence in the library/forest of the dead is a fantastic story, really, i love those two eps, but there are flaws, and i think all of those flaws are moffat-typical flaws. its a decent group of people, but not a great one; the one-off characters are. how do i put this. theres some nuance, but theyre not necessarily complex. and their lives mean very little, and their deaths mean even less (which is a thing that moffat does).

to the doctor its a big deal, and to river its a big deal, but to the audience? maybe this is just me, but i didnt really feel anything for any of them except at the most emotional moments (evangelista as a data ghost, and anita asking the doctor for reassurance). i feel sympathy for them when theyre dying horribly, but thats it.

contrast that with midnight, which has a brilliant cast of characters where every person is a person. where the most devastating moment is when they realize that none of them know the name of the woman who sacrificed herself to save all of their lives. where i feel connected to several characters and their journeys and their personalities, not just bc theyre in mortal danger, but bc theyre good characters. where i can understand all of their strong emotions and how that leads to their morally questionable decisions.

basically, if i may be permitted an oversimplification, midnight is an episode that illustrates what would and should happen if people responded realistically in a situation where everyone is in danger and confused and scared. moffat had some of that with lux, some of that instinctual push back against the doctors assumed authority, but it was bc lux himself had personal demons, not bc thats just how a human being reacts in a situation like that. bc moffat has trouble conceptualizing characters who dont see the doctor as some mysterious magic guy with all the power and knowledge.

its like. you know that scene in the impossible planet, where the doctor is like "yeah but you trust me dont you? go on look me in the eye. yes you do, i can see it. trust." and zach agrees to let him go bc frankly zach doesnt have much of an ego and zach is a really good guy, and the doctor isnt trying to take control hes offering to help, and most importantly, zach is desperate and working with a skeleton crew where everyone who hasnt died already is in danger of doing so very soon.

so like, yeah, theres something to be said for the doctors ability to use clever words to manipulate people into letting him help. theres a lot to be said for the fact that he often cant get people to trust him unless he flat out lies to them, bc the truth is so fantastical. and when it comes down to the big moments, like that little speech he gives in voyage of the damned, people are either going to believe him and trust that he knows what hes doing or theyre not. and obviously i dont have any real statistics to back this up but i think moffat has a really hard time writing characters who dont believe the doctor and trust him. and when he does write those characters, he likes to humble them by showing off how brilliant and clever the doctor is, rather than admitting that trusting the doctor is realistically the harder option for most people.

[swampgallows]

Have you given any thought to what you might have done differently with garrosh's character? Or is that too big of a question? (there really is a lot of stuff about him. hes a big guy.)

I thought all your posts delving into it were really REALLY well detailed and thorough and I would love to see your version of him that isn't so "my writers used my mental illness to further my character in a negative way" which seems to be a recurring thing throughout the whole game. In STR you managed to flesh him out in a way that made him feel more like Garrosh than the actual, canon Garrosh which was just fascinating, especially in writing. STR garrosh could take all of my money and my limbs if he wanted.

Okk I'm sorry if this ask is all over the place,wording is difficult. Uhm tldr STR was a heartbreak and a half and it will always have a special place in my heart. also a swampgallows garrosh could burn down my entire house and I'd thank him. And I really like both your art and your writing and I hope you have a good day <33333

firstly thank you SO much for indulging in my blithering and scribbles. it is both very flattering and very humbling knowing that someone is interacting with the deluge of stuff i spit out into the void of the internet, haha.

it's hard to say where i'd want garrosh to end up. part of what is appealing about him is the tragedy of his wasted potential, in a way, but also mutating him into a really tonedeaf n*zi allegory blows chunks. like, i think theramore could have still happened without the "nuke"—it could have been trebuchet projectiles super-charged by the focusing iris that left it a crater, for instance, rather than one giant bomb analogous to introducing nuclear warfare in the setting (jaina could still have her trauma and white hair and absolute hot mess of a relationship with dragon who shall not be named, etc etc). y'shaarj and the divine bell and the takeover of pandaria could have happened the same way it happened alliance-side (a rush for resources and grabbing land before the other faction could). the kor'kron were thrall's elite taskforce first before they were made de facto g*stapo under garrosh's rule, and there could have been just as many "garrosh loyalists" (as there are currently sylvanas loyalists) without it being racially-charged. i also wrote before about how citing the Nuremberg trials for garrosh's crimes was completely unnecessary, since the crimes he committed in-universe were reprehensible on their own without the "direct" comparison to real life genocide; they did it only to further drive home the whole "orc hitler" shit. so yeah, tldr, id erase the fash stuff for sure. he can still be evil and power hungry and a villain without being a fascist. i think he could still have the storyline that he currently has in canon without the layer of n*zism. it's just cheap and gross and honestly stupid.

as for STR!Garrosh, I tried to write Salt the Roads as canonically as possible. i wanted a story that could be seamlessly incorporated into the existing lore, since the goal of writing it (beyond self-indulgence and thinly-veiled traumadumping) was to provide a transitory period between "suicidal" and "genocidal", while also explaining why he might have such a personal hatred of the alliance beyond just rooting really hard for the Horde. it's sort of a fix-it fic in a way, trying to bridge the period between BC and WotLK. but this is also why i preserved the unhealthy parts of garrosh as well, both as a testament to his mental illness and to why he became (later in canon) the kind of character that he did: the way he fails to run warsong hold is a problem, the way he treats the prisoner is unhealthy, the way he interacts with saurfang and the rest of the horde is violent and inappropriate. and yet, he keeps his seat of power despite his behavior and without resolving any of his issues. i actually address this in a reply to a comment on STR about how garrosh's relationship with the prisoner is deliberately written to be unhealthy, since it's more evidence of how garrosh's mental illness affects his stability.

where both these points dovetail for me is that "my" Garrosh, or a "correct" Garrosh imo, can have his story be the same, but the message be different. "My writers used my mental illness to further my character in a negative way" can be in the story, but should only be part of it; the message should be that those who are suffering and do not get help will only continue to suffer and possibly cause harm to others. People who are not given or taught healthy coping mechanisms/outlets will turn to unhealthy mechanisms/outlets. i also addressed this in my zine entry regarding my own experience with mental illness/trauma: garrosh is a cautionary tale, a blazing neon red vision of my future if i allow my self-destruction to spiral, coupled with the fear that i am "destined to be a villain" or otherwise incapable of healing. garrosh is an example of what happens to those who cannot get help or have their support networks severed. what traumatized him is not his fault, and getting fucked over by a society that failed to help him is not his fault, but it is up to him to want to change. but he didnt want to, and that is his tragedy.

spoilers ahead for 9.2: i feel this is the same with sylvanas; the recent cinematic was almost perfect if not for the line about "becoming Arthas". the idea that traumatized people then become abusers themselves is false more often than not, just like the stereotype that mentally ill people are violent toward others (they are most often victims of violence, or will hurt themselves before they hurt others). when complaining about the cinematic to friends, i said: "there are better ways to say 'I was so fucking mad at you for what you did to me that i didnt care what i had to do to try and make the pain stop'." as a survivor of trauma myself, i feel that something like this is much closer to the desperation someone can feel trying to heal the part of them that just keeps hurting, and the negativity and rage and lashing out that can occur when that part keeps getting hurt over and over. her trauma can compel her to do wrong and terrible things without it inherently being ableist or making her a 1:1 equivalent to her abuser.

i think the only change that i would make to canon garrosh would be to (partially) redeem him in Shadowlands. the way he went out is VERY on brand for garrosh, dont get me wrong, but i already talked in depth about why it was an unsatisfying ending as someone who remembers his beginning, then I later reconciled with it in the wake of its real-life implications at Blizzard as a company and what garrosh represented. if he had to go away for good then i wanted him to suffer first; if he was gonna stick around, then i wanted him to want to change. but changing that would be changing a core part of his character in canon: as a rule, garrosh is miserable and unstable. if he did change, he might not be garrosh anymore.

god in other news my yamyell tag is so fucking good. my carefully curated garrosh memes are just exquisite

thank you again for reading my story and enjoying my artwork and my other content. it means a lot to me!

[dontwakeme-causeimdreaming]

Evermore thoughts:

1. Willow

-already off to a chill vibe

-not sure if it’s a love triangle or her and Joe

-“come back stronger than a 90s trend” love it

-the beat almost gives me invisible string vibes

2. Champagne problems

-been waiting for this one all day

-immediately love it

-it sounds like her old stuff but is also so original and new

-dom perignon? Subtle brag

-dorm? This can’t be about her life

-idk why the bridge is reminding me of this is me trying though

-the ending note is so good

3. Gold rush

-immediately a vibe

-poppy than her others, but then again so was TLGAD which was also track 3

-immediately getting the “drinking on the beach with friends and sparklers during the summer and taking pictures with a vintage camera” vibe

4. ‘Tis the damn season

-ok so this is NOT a Christmas song

-as someone who just ended a hometown hookup relationship this song is now my new anthem

-also I just moved across the country so that’s fitting too

-“call me babe got the weekend” “it always leads to you in my hometown”

-I feel attacked

-but in a good way

5. Tolerate it

-is this also about Scott and scooter?

-“so much older and wiser” “use my best colors for your portrait” idk kinda getting my tears ricochet vibes but that could just be what I’m expecting

-leaning against Scott and Scooter the more I hear

-definitely an abusive relationship of some kind though

6. No body, no crime

-without even hearing the song, I’m reminded of the tik tok theory that Haylor committed vehicular manslaughter and have been leaving clues in their songs

-Haim is also friends with Harry so 👀

-hearing the song gives me Before He Cheats vibes though

-“I think he did it but I just can’t prove it” probably not that deep but I’m getting r*pe culture and me too movement vibes

-love the country roots

7. Happiness

-before I listen, I hope this is a marriage proposal announcement song

-ok def not marriage

-kinda peace vibes though (not the feeling the song ofc)

-but this is like the opposite of peace just the slowness gives me peace vibes

-like kinda a good message to remember in break ups that happiness is still possible bc you were happy before the person and can be happy without them too

-“green light of forgiveness” is that a Gatsby reference? Bc Gatsby is hoping the green light will be a big sign to Daisy but she still moves away anyway

8. Dorothea

-I heard the theory that Dorothea is the name of Zigi’s baby i vibe with that it’s a cute song

-don’t really have many comments on this one

-it’s cute but it gives me Hey Stephen vibes in a way and Hey Stephen isn’t my fav

9. Coney Island

-I’ve never heard anything by the National but I’m excited

-another reference to the mall... she did say in the Long Pond Studio Sessions that she was really excited to sing about the mall in August

-initially it’s not my favorite but I think I just need to listen to it again bc I do like the vibe

10. Ivy

-is this why there was ivy in her Insta from last week?

-“my pain fits in the palm of your frozen hand” omg I love that

-the lyrics in this are so beautiful and are almost reminiscent of Cold As You which is lyrically one of my favs (“roots in my dreamland” is like a grown up Cold As You)

-I love hearing Taylor swear

-overall love it

11. Cowboy like me

-this is another one I’ve been waiting for all day long

-love that this is explicit too

-my first thought seeing the name was Closest to a Cowboy her unreleased song from forever ago

-the background music at the beginning sounds like Tim McGraw

-longer than I was expecting

“You’re a bandit like me” reminds me of the lakes for some reason

12. Long story short

-immediately a vibe

-ok is it just me getting a ton of references to her older music?

-like rabbit hole (wonderland) and spinning in high heels (reminds me of both Mirrorball and Holy Ground)

-maybe this a nod to re-recording?

-I’m very tired I may be mishearing things

-the most poppy so far

-“long story short it was the wrong guy” lmao story of my life what a vibe

“Long story short I survived” this song makes me so happy idek why

13. Marjorie

-Track 13 on folklore was a nod to her grandfather and I think this is a nod to her grandmother this is also track 13

-like Marjorie is her grandmother’s name

-as someone who also regrets not appreciating her grandmother enough, this song resonates with me sm

-like I was only 10 when my grandma died and I didn’t realize what I had until she was gone

-so overall hits home super sad song but very beautiful

-love the idea that our loved ones never really leave us

14. Closure

-loving the tracking on this

-this reminds me of a friend break up

-I really like how her past few albums she talks about doing better (IFTYE, the 1)

-possibly about Karlie?

-idk don’t attack me for that just a thought

15. Evermore

-sounds like winter to me

-I like that one of the recurring themes of this album is moving on and realizing the pain won’t last forever and that happiness can come again

-idk is this about the pandemic? Is this about Emily Dickinson whose birthday was yesterday and uses “evermore” as a closing line to one of her famous poems? Is it about Edgar Poe? Whose to say?

-hot take but I like this better than exile

-is Joe playing the piano in this too like he did in exile?

Overall I really like this album it’s so good and compliments folklore but is still uniquely its own

Taylor has done it again