#self indulgent whining?

[branches-in-a-flood]

This is gonna be a small novel to organize some of my personal life thoughts. By no means is anyone expected to read this, I'm just posting to the interactive diary here.

I have allowed things to continue to deteriorate with partner one. It's been almost like an acute on chronic injury. It’'s been less than it was for years, but I had accepted it and was operating like it was what I wanted for the most part. It was what I wanted for a long time. I was so wrapped up in my career that I didn't have time or energy to do more typical romantic relationship things. We saw each other every few weeks and it was. It was fine. It wasn't enough at first but I sucked it up and became perfect for my life.

Work and mental illness and chronic illness all became too much for me last summer. Relationship (rightfully) pushed back as I focused on surviving. Partner was supportive, gave me as much space as I needed. I thought space was what I needed. We talked less and less. We rarely saw each other. I tried to be happy with that, and I was sure I was. I'm not social after all, and if I wasn't sick then I was too depressed to be good company. A few times I broke my own rules and asked for them to come over. Most of the time they couldn't. Other plans. With other partners. Also having a day of no spoons. (Though they did come over sometimes. It didn't seem to help much, and I didn't put my finger on why. Possibly still haven't.)

I left my old job. Couldn't handle the work load and stress anymore. I also started therapy. Slowly, over months, realized that I do want more of the stereotypical romantic relationship things. Or at the very least to see partner one more than monthly. They agreed that we need to see each other more. We talked about doing more kink scenes. Kink was actually one of the things that brought us together years and years ago, and it had fallen out of our relationship. In the past five months we have done one scene. It frustrates me beyond words. I have never felt so safe with a partner; a partner who seems to not want to do anything with me anymore.

I started drawing away, unconsciously at first. I talked to my therapist about how I was feeling - surely I'm being dramatic and stupid. But they encouraged me to, obviously, talk to my partner about it. I had. I did again. Partner stated that they still feel we have a romantic attraction, though it fluctuates because we are both neurodivergent adults with full time careers. And I can't fault that answer. I can't argue with it. I told them I needed time to decide if I wanted more or less. (Despite having already asked for more. Having more agreed to. And receiving less.) They said they’re happy for me to figure it out either way.

Talked about this with the therapist. Therapist assassinated me by asking if I wished my partner had put up a fight instead of being passive and accepting of what I was saying. Explained that I don't want to be with someone who wants to leave, and my partner is very similar. Neither of us want to make anyone feel compelled to stay. But there's always that fantasy of the undying love that you'll fight for, even if it's only a fantasy. Reality is not as heroic. Through our session realized that I am more ok with letting the relationship go than I am with fighting for it again. I tend to only ask for things twice before moving on, and I had asked for more time and attention several times.

The week after that session I stopped messaging my partner first. Just to see what would happen. I know it's an immature game, but I was curious. Several days would pass between us communicating. In my head we’re already done. I was no longer spending my time anxiously awaiting a response to whatever message I had sent. (One of the things that put more weight on the “give up" side was when I sent a several page analysis and ramble of Fall For Me that was left on read. Zero acknowledgement at all.) So I stopped caring. Then stopped sending messages that weren't simply daily updates on work or good morning texts.

So if my mind is made up, why can I not talk to them about it?

We've been together for the better part of a decade. We started dating when I was still with my abusive ex. Partner one was pivotal in getting me to see the situation and leave. They gave me a place to stay between semesters when I was otherwise without a roof. They helped me deeply explore BDSM in a safe environment. They helped me heal from previous trauma. They have given me so much more than I have given them.

And I want to leave.

It doesn't feel fair to them. But I don't feel anything anymore, and that isn't fair either.

I know it will be a calm, well-reasoned discussion. I know he’ll handle it well when we talk. But I still panic when I think about it. I don't want to hurt them, but that's obviously going to happen. I feel like I'm going to get into trouble when the conversation happens, which is such a. Such an unfounded and juvenile thought?

(But I also thought the last two people I broke up with would take it reasonably. In one case a knife and the sheriff became involved. In the other I was cornered and demanded to pay money I didn't have and had not borrowed. So I'm sure at least a little of the issue lies there.)

Each day that goes by without at least telling them that I want to talk is adding so much stress and guilt that I have the whole thing built up to more than it is. But what do I say? How can I tell someone who has been so caring and kind and has taken such good care of me, that I just don't feel love for them anymore? I do still love them deeply. Academically. Platonically. But not in a way that would sustain this relationship. And they don't deserve that.

[arctic-hands]

I love making plans for the weekend like

"Well they're not going to schedule for an inspection or even email you about one over the weekend, so I can take it easy!"

"Maybe I'll hit the livres en français a bit harder after doing Duolingo, nice way to decompress and learn at the same time!"

"Maybe I'll watch the rest of the Interview With A Vampire series."

"Maybe I'll finally finish up reading Good Omens then can move on to watching the show!"

"Oh."

"Oh well I'm in the E.R. now but surely with chest pains I'll get a bed soon and sorted out and once I get an actual room I can read Good Omens as I recuperate from whatever this is!"

"Oh."

"Well I guess I'm in the lobby for twelve hours this very cold saturday."

"Well I guess I'm back home after never being seen but hey I didn't die and it's only 3 p.m all I need is a light meal and maybe a nap then I can do fuck all!"

"Oh I slept until ten a.m Sunday."

"Oh. It's already 2 thirty p.m and I don't even remember spending the morning on anything."

"Oh. I don't have energy to even cook. I'm just sitting here."

"Oh well."

[adelaidedrubman]

honestly. at this point. might just release a deleted scenes post on here when i upload next chapter.

[direwombat]

alright. tonight's goals:

work on katc chapter 7

DnD prep

crack into my self-assigned reading and start taking notes for the late antiquity au

[crestfallencrest]

I do wish tumblr would stop recommending me takes that i simply do not care about LOL

[padfootastic]

hmmmmm i’ve seemed to have hit another ~follower milestone~ and i just—

why

[cyberwulf]

oh nothing just checking AO3 every hour to see if there are any comments

[fonulyn]

i feel absolutely fucking miserable and my lungs are on fire from all the coughing. but at least i have ice cream and nivannedy

[muzzlemouths]

really says something that even my vent fics are self inserts with the DCA :/ hm

[blairsanne]

My foot hurts and I can’t think about anything else rn

[perpetualsarcasmmachine]

I haven't posted a lot of personal life stuff on Tumblr yet. However.

Yesterday I found out I have arthritis in my knees and osteopenia (basically pre-osteoperosis). I'm feelig so angsty and annoyed about it. I'm only in my 30s and I'm so tired of managing all kinds of little health issues. My doctor gave me no fucking information. I spent yesterday evening looking at shit on JSTOR (autism lol). It's not the worst thing ever of course but like would it kill the medical establishment to do something other than tell me to stop being fat and shrug at me. I'm going to have to manage this stuff for decades. Just, fuck.

[llycaons]

on a certain level, clj is just an indulgent romance for the plain and untalented women of the audience, which I find quite charming

[normalaboutorcas908]

i really would like to interact and talk more on here, but for some reason i have a mental block. i don't know what to say. it takes me really long to write any fanfic, and i can't draw worth shit. i started this blog like three years ago and i still don't know how this website works lol. it's weird.

[direwombat]

Hmm. Today is a be emotional about bunker days syb kind of day -- more specifically, be emotional about how joseph notices her picking at and reopening the nail wounds on her palms and how that turns into ritual blood letting that continues even into new dawn

[martyr0l0gy]

those period cramps where you can feel it in your thighs, back, and left flap,, 🥲 like wtf fr bro ??

[merakidoll]

brainrot! alternative choso with his bimbo girlfriend ( self indulgent duh )

emo boy choso was the adventure you never knew you needed in life. while you had loads of fun prancing around in your smallest clothes, and letting all the boys peek at your pretty goodies, did you actually let any of them touch you ? no.

you found them to be “icky”. dirty nails, nasty looking clothes, and holes in their underwear - ew. but choso was the fun little suprise that you saw one day while walking on campus. his motorcycle so loud that it annoyed you, so you turned to look. his bike was sexy, a pretty jet black that shined against the sun. what was better- him. his helmet coming off and the hot man looking directly at you with a smirk.

he knew he had you in that moment.

“that’s a good girl” choso whispered in your ear, watching you threw his bathroom mirror. your curved frame against his tall muscular one was a sight for sore eyes. you two fitting together like a puzzle piece. his dark leather clothes, rubbing against your bare skin making more tears drip down, dampening your eye lashes. your moans are muffled by the pink thong in your mouth. the taste of your juices hitting your palette, making you drip even more against his slender fingers.

the pornographic scene had you cumming back to back, you were at your third orgasm. only thing keeping you standing is choso; he held onto you tight, taking in the beautiful sight that was you. whispering that most deranged things in your ear bringing back that feeling once more. “that’s my girl” his deep voice made you shudder, the whispers sending tingles down your spine and right to your honey pot that was so so close. “come on” he kissed your chubby cheek, slowing down his fingers to make deep long thrust.

“cum on daddies nails, cum would match the pink so well baby! ” you shut your eyes tight, clenching down onto his fingers. his other hand trailed down your breast, to your stomach, you feeling all of his movements; and it drove you wild. just the thought of the bright pink nail polish, that he let you put on him being the pleasure source made you instantly go dumb. you couldn’t whine out, like you had the other times. squirt shooting out, making a mess, dripping down your legs and getting onto his boots.