#sexy wives of konoha

[maoam]

I'm starting to wonder if there was any need for me to panic at the release of this novel. Whenever I see a panel, sasuke looks as if he is ignoring suckura 98% of the time (I mean he does in canon but i thought they would change that in this novel, at least a bit), the prisoners seem to show more interest in her than he does, he always seems displeased or even... annoyed? (Maybe its the way they draw his expressions that make him look like that) Suckura acts more like a 14 yr old girl than a mature woman (Shes not mature in canon but you'd think that they would write her to be good in her own novel). On top of that, Suckura is drawn ugly a lot of the time (I'm not saying this cause of my hate for her, I genuinely think she looks bad).

If a novel like this got released for my ship I would not consider it a win. Isn't she meant to be a mature, smart, sexy girlboss that takes no rubbish from anyone? Why is she acting so ridiculous? Why is sasuke not showing much emotion towards her? Like i said before, i thought this novel was to make them look good? Like yea, the whole novel is rubbish but i thought they would show sasuke caring for his 'wife' more than he does in canon, in this novel his expression towards her is always indifferent. They don't act like a couple in their own novel. And they're drawn ugly on top of that. I think sasuke said some rubbish like 'do a married couple need to be with each other all the time?'. Like HUH? Doesn't sound like you miss her.

It's not really a win for ss is it? It just made suckura look dumb (displaying the uchiha crest and going 'omg, he must'av used earth style jutsu to make this', like girl WHAT?), immature (sasuke was injured and she wants to play peekaboo), and the whole thing just makes them even look more like they're not in love (On sasuke's part anyway). The way she was blushing when she received the ring reminds me of a schoolgirl getting her first kiss, not like a couple that have been with each other for a long time that care and love each other ( and the way sasuke just gave it to her and was like 'wear it', no smile or emotion, reminds me of my mom when she buys me clothing I don't like but still says 'wear it'. He also looks freaked out when she holds her hand up to view it).

Sorry, this was a mouthful. Me freaking out of the release of this rubbish had been for nothing, in fact, it dragged ss through the mud even more.

I also don't get why they make Sakura so unlikeable in it.

She insults Tsunade in it (which is not out of character for her but again, I thought this manga would try to make her look better).

She is dumb and wears the Uchiha crest undercover.

She acts like a little girl, actually worse. She's blushing like crazy over the ring made out of dirt. Like isn't she already married to Sasuke anyway... why is she acting like he's senpai?

She's playing peek-a-boo with an injured Sasuke, like hello? Even if she were a teenager that would be cringy.

Also it still doesn't change the fact Konoha wives do wear wedding rings, so Esaka just did not do her research or she tried to bullshit.

And again I don't know if the artist just doesn't know how Sasuke is supposed to look when happy or what, but it does look odd. Sasuke is looking at Sakura like she's a weirdo (which she is, but again I thought this was supposed to make SS look good).

The manga makes Sasuke look like he's being held hostage or something. Like he looks like 😐 or like there's no life in him lol. And Sakura does look kind of ugly, I agree, and I don't even think she looks ugly in the original manga. But in this manga she just looks cringe.

I mean it's not canon and if I was a fan of Sakura I wouldn't want it to be canon because what?? It will make people mock her more if anything.

[kuriquinn]

Inquiring Minds Want To Know [one-shot]

Blanket Fic Disclaimer

Original Prompt by: Anonymous

" you know how men rate girls on the scale of their hotness? And that girls do the same? But the difference is that men are scaled not on their hotness, but on the size of their penis" I read this line somewhere and was hoping if you can make a fic related to it? Cause that would be awesome 😂😂”

Author’s Note: As promised during Evil Author Day, my goal is to actually finish some of my WIPs this year. So, here’s one that a lot of people have been asking about. 

Warning: Total crack. Like seriously. It’s going into the Poor Judgement ‘verse along with the other ridiculous stuff I come up with.

Beta Reader: *None but me and my editing software :)

Read it on Ao3 if you’re a registered user!

⁂ ⁂ ⁂

“And, it’s official!” Sakura declares, pouring the last bit of sake into her cup before raising it in front of her. “The Fourth Annual Sexy Wives of Konoha Summit is now in session. Kanpai!”

The rest of the women in the back booth of the izakaya raise their own porcelain cups and chorus, “Kanpai!” before tipping back the alcohol.

“Can I just say, I think our summit is a lot more fun than the Kage summit?” Tenten suggests.

“Definitely,” Temari agrees. “More alcohol, which I’m in favor of.”

“And we probably have more interesting stuff to talk about,” Karui decides.

“Does anyone actually know what they’re talking about?” Ino wants to know.

“Something about tariffs,” Hinata replies. “Or…sheep, I think. Maybe both.”

“Or aliens,” Sakura submits.

“Or aliens.”

“You know what they should be talking about?” Ino wants to know. “Better footwear for shinobi. I mean, seriously, the athletic sandals we used to wear as genin? Do you know how much blood and muck I used to get between my toes? It’s a nationwide crisis, is what it is.”

“Yeah!” Manako agrees. “Screw aliens.”

“Or preferably don’t,” Sakura muses. “Since that’s how you get god-tier ninja prone to insanity and several lifetimes of angst on repeat.” Everyone glances at her curiously and her clears her throat. “Never mind.”

The other women murmur their agreements, clink their cups, and drink deep again.

Ino glances at her watch. “So how long do you think we have?”

“Until Sai instigates a fight between Naruto and Sasuke, and one or both of them go flying out of the Hokager Tower,” Sakura replies sagely.

Temari shakes her head. “You know, there are days when I think I married the biggest pain in the ass, and then I remember who you married.”

“Are those the days you take a break from bullying Shikamaru to stuff him with food?”? Ino teases.

“I wouldn’t have to stuff him with food if the idiot would just eat during the day.”

“Naruto’s the same,” Hinata sighs. “They’re so busy all the time. And it’s starting to affect the children. Boruto’s been acting out more and more since Naruto became the Hokage. And Himawari’s entered to ‘no’ stage.”

“I know how to fix that one,” Karui says. “If she keeps saying no, ask her if she wants something sweet. When she ‘nopes’ herself out of a treat a few times, that will stop.

“Augh! Are you kidding?!” Ino interrupts suddenly. “Are we seriously talking about our husbands and kids?”

“What’s wrong with that?” Sakura asks.

“Besides the fact we always talk about our husbands and kids? Come on, ladies, get it together! Just because we have babies now doesn’t make us any less badass. Let’s live it up!”

“Four more terrifying words were never uttered,” Temari says.

“Gai in a thong,” Manako offers without missing a beat.

Tenten and Karui spit out the drinks they were sipping, while Ino and Sakura groan. Even Hinata gives a bit of a shudder.

“I stand corrected,” the blond woman says, tipping her own drink in acknowledgement.

“I’m both intensely curious and terrified of the thoughts in your head,” Sakura informs the Inuzuka woman. “And I’ve been a medic in warzones.”

“We all have our little talents,” Manako says. “So—what’s the plan for tonight? Drinking games?”

“Obviously,” Ino says. “But how can we make it more fun?”

“We could go to the Hokage Rock and draw all over Naruto’s face. Not like doesn’t have it coming.”

“How can we make it more fun without getting arrested,” Sakura amends, rolling her eyes.

“Who’s going to arrest you? You’re a hero of Konoha.”

“We could do karaoke,” Tenten suggests. “There’s a new place that opened a few blocks away.”

“No one wants to hear me sing,” Temari says, while Hinata desperately shakes her head; she still tends to avoid any kind of public attention.

“All that stuff sounds complicated,” Karui says. “And it involves more walking around than I feel like tonight.”

“Assuming you can even walk at the end of the night.”

“That too.”

“What about Truth or Dare?” Manako offers, all would-be-innocence. “That’s always a crowd pleaser.”

That earns a few groans.

“That’s so predictable,” Ino complains. “We seriously can’t come up with anything else?”

“Well, we could do ‘Never Have I Ever’, but somebody’s husband officially blacklisted that game two years ago.”

Everyone looks at Hinata, who shrugs. “I still don’t know why he did that. Something about village morals.”

“If it involved anyone affiliated with Team 7, I don’t want to know,” Tenten says decisively.

“Now that that’s settled,” Manako nods and leers at Ino. “Truth or dare?”

“Oh my god, are we actually doing this?” she groans, and throws back her sake. “Okay. Fine. Truth.”

“Lame,” Sakura accuses.

“I’ll remind you when it’s your turn.”

Manako, after thinking about it a few moments, grins. “Alright. I’ve got one: if Sai wanted to roleplay during sex, who or what would you want him to role play as?”

Ino’s jaw drops. “Are you kidding me?”

“Wow, she went right for the dirty stuff on the first go,” Tenten guffaws.

“And you’re surprised by this?” Temari quips.

“Anytime now, Ino-pig.”

“I’m going to get you back for this.”

“You’re stalling,” Manako singsongs. “Do I need to come up with a penalty dare?” She grins, sharp canines giving her a wolfish look.

“No!” Ino snaps, rightly wary of any dare the older woman might conceive of. She purses her lips for a moment, cheeks still burning bright, and then holds her head up as if deciding she won’t be embarrassed by this. “I’m the daimyo’s virginal daughter and Sai’s the court artist commissioned to paint my portrait, only as soon as we’re alone he seduces me. Only we have to be completely quiet or we’ll get caught.”

The other women giggle a little at that.

“That seems very well thought out,” Manako says. “Also, kind of tame for what I expected from you.”

“What exactly did you expect, some kind of dominatrix fantasy?” Ino grumbles. “Sai’s very literal. It’s hard to get him to pretend things outside of what he knows.”

“That sounds an awful lot like it’s something you’ve actually done.”

“Forehead, truth or dare,” Ino orders, the abruptness more telling than an actual verbal answer.

Manako sniggers as Sakura rolls her eyes, folds her arms as if expecting a challenge, and replies, “Dare.”

“Coward.”

“Bite me.”

They stick their tongues out at each other.

“Fine. Wimp out. I dare you to…” Ino casts about for a moment, and then smirks. “I dare you to do a body shot off Hinata’s chest.”

“What?!” the Hokage’s wife squeaks as the other women roar with laughter.

“Now who’s going right for the dirty stuff?” Manako jeers. “Although I can’t say I disapprove.”

“That’s not…why would you…?” Hinata looks like there might be steam coming out of her ears.

“Relax, Hinata,” Sakura grumbles. “I’m not going to do something you’re uncomfortable with, and she knows it.” She juts her chin out at her best friend. “What’s the penalty truth?”

“Does Sasuke ever motorboat you?” Ino asks immediately. “Or try to, considering your lack of breasts.”

“Shots fired,” Tenten murmurs to Temari, who nods with a smirk.

“I hate you,” Sakura mutters, mortified. “And no. He doesn’t. Mostly because I don’t actually think he knows what that means.”

“I really, really believe that,” Manako says honestly.

“You have an awful lot to say tonight, Manako—how about you? Truth or dare.”

“Truth,” she replies, sipping from her cup. “I have no shame.”

Sakura raises an eyebrow at that, and then smiles in a good approximation of the older woman’s own merciless smirk. “What is the sappiest, most lovey-dovey, non-sexual thing you and Kakashi have ever done?”

Manako splutters, sake going everywhere as she coughs and tries to breathe.

 “Penalty,” she gasps out, glaring at Sakura.

“So much for no shame,” Temari says.

“I dare you to…” Sakura thinks about it and then grins, “I dare you to let Tenten cut and style your hair with just a kunai.”

There’s a chorus of impressed ohs.

Manako glares. “I just got it back to the length I like since the boys were born.”

“Well, you could always just answer the question from before…”

Manako huffs and climbs unapologetically across the table to sit in front of Tenten. “Well, go on.”

“Bold of you to assume I have a kunai,” the other woman says.

“You own a weapons shop and you’re a shinobi. Of course you have a kunai.”

“I was planning on a night of drinking with the girls, not battle.” When everyone gives her unimpressed looks, she pouts and digs a blade out from the hidden pocket of her pants. “I was going to leave it home…”

“Sure you were,” Karui says, earning Manako’s attention.

“You know, you’ve been uncharacteristically quiet this whole time,” she says, frowning as Tenten begins to consider her back-length tresses.

“Why interrupt good entertainment?”

“Interrupt this—truth or dare.”

“Dare.”

“Take off your underwear and hang it from the light fixture for the rest of the night.”

“Who says I’m wearing underwear?”

“Then your bra. We know you’re wearing one of those, we see the padding.”

“I don’t have padding. All this gloriousness is me,” Karui retorts, cupping her breasts. “And you’re just daring me that because you want to see my tits.”

“Guilty,” Manako agrees.

“Sex and underwear. You’re kind of an unimaginative lot, aren’t you?” Temari wants to know as Karui begins shifting and shimmying her bra out from beneath her sleeveless dress.

“Sex and underwear and impromptu kunai make-overs,” Sakura corrects.

“If I come out of this looking like a porcupine, I’m sending the twins to visit you every day for a month,” Manako vows.

“Oi! Why me? Tenten’s the one cutting your hair!”

“You’re the one who came up with the idea.”

“My turn,” Karui interrupts as she drapes her brassier from the lamp above their table. Across the room, the few patrons still remaining murmur at the scandal. “Temari, truth or dare.”

“Dare,” Temari says.

The former Kumonin takes a few seconds to think about it, and then reaches for her purse to remove a tiny vial.

“This is Killer Wasabi,” she says with a smirk. “The hottest sauce available on the continent.”

“And you just happen to carry it around?” Ino asks.

“It’s not my fault the food in Konoha is so bland.”

“And yet I’ve never seen you refuse any of it.”

“That would be rude,” Karui says, affecting primness before her expression becomes mischievous again. She returns her attention to Temari. “This recipe was created by the first Raikage, and then passed down from teacher to student across the generations. It’s so hot it can make a grown man pass out if consumed in large quantities.” She places the vial on the table. “So that’s what I dare you to do. Take a swig of this straight.”

Temari blinks.

“That’s it?” she deadpans.

“Bii-sensei challenged the Fourth Raikage to take a gulp of it straight from the bottle and the man cried.”

“Shit. He didn’t even cry when he got his arm cut off, I heard,” Manako murmurs.

Temari considers the tiny vial, shrugs, and then upends it into her mouth.

Everyone stares.

“You’re not…you’re not human, are you?” Tenten murmurs.

“Are we sure it’s your brother that was possessed by a demon and not you?” Manako wants to know.

“Not possible,” Karui declares. “That’s just…not possible!”

“I went to the dentist today and can’t feel my tongue,” Temari confesses, earning groans and shouts from the others.

“Cheater!”

“Treachery!”

“You suck.”

“You didn’t ask,” Temari says with a shrug and turns to Tenten. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“How old were you when you lost your virginity?”

“Temari!”

“I’m just continuing the trend of inappropriate questions,” the former Sunanin shrugs.

“Fess up, Tenten!” Ino cheers, spilling a bit of sake as she chugs it.

“Personally, I wouldn’t trust any dare Temari comes up with,” Karui says.

“Fine,” Tenten hedges. “I was seventeen.”

“Really?” Ino purrs. “Who was it?”

“I’m not telling,” Tenten says primly.

“Was it Neji?”

“Don’t be insensitive!” Sakura hisses, smacking her.

“Ow! Watch it with the hamfists!”

Tenten is quick to change the subject. “Hinata—truth or dare?”

“Truth,” Hinata murmurs warily, as if not sure which is likely to be the worse choice.

“What was the most embarrassing thing you’ve shouted during sex?”

Hinata squeaks, pressing her flushed face into her hands.

“You’re going to give her a nosebleed,” Karui says.

“She could have chosen dare.”

“Do you actually expect her to answer that?”

Hinata mumbles something into her palms.

“What was that?” Ino asks. “Didn’t quite catch that.”

“‘Cauliflower’,” the Hokage’s wife mutters, only a hair louder but still audible.

Her friends all stare at her for a beat, trying to parse what they just heard, and then—

“EEEHHHH?!?”

“Seriously?!” Ino shrieks.

“What the hell, really?” Manako laughs. “What even…?”

“I was pregnant,” Hinata mumbles. “And craving.”

“Apparently,” Temari drawls.

“How did hubby take that?” Manako asks.

“He…he, um, went to buy some.”

“Actually?” Sakura want to know. “Or do you mean he sent a clone?”

“Um. No, he actually…he got all flustered, and confused,” Hinata admits. “And ran off to the market. He came home with about two dozen of them.”

“Cauliflowerus-interruptus,” Manako shakes her head. “I hope it was good cauliflower.”

“It’s cauliflower,” Tenten drawls. “There’s no way that’s better than sex.”

“Hey, food can be better than sex,” Karui protests. “And not only when you’re pregnant.”

“Well now I know what we should ask you next time you choose truth…”

“Except it’s not your turn to ask.”

All eyes go to Hinata.

“Hinata, ask me something so that I can go next,” Manako orders.

“If you go next, I won’t be the one answering,” Karui promises.

“Um…” Hinata bites her lips, and then nods and asks Manako, “Who was your first love?” she asks.

“Izumi Uchiha,” Manako replies without any hesitation or embarrassment.

“What, really?” Ino asks, eyes wide.

“Did I stutter?”

“That’s…that makes sense actually,” Sakura says. “You told me once that you’d loved an Uchiha, but I thought…I mean, you kind of implied…”

“That it was a guy?”

“Pretty much.”

“Contrary to popular belief, not all Uchiha are men,” Manako replies.

“You wouldn’t know it the way the history books are written,” Sakura mutters.

“Temari! Have I got a dare for you—”

“Truth,” the other woman says instantly. “As if I would be stupid enough to choose one of your dares.”

“I’m wounded. But alright, fine. Let me asks you the most important truth I can think of.”

Temari raises an eyebrow, but her face remains as stolid as ever. “Fine.”

But Manako doesn’t speak. Instead, she holds the tips of her index fingers together and then slowly starts to pull them apart. 

For a moment no one knows what she is doing, but as the distance grows between the fingers—three inches, four inches—comprehension dawns on everyone.  

“Oh my god!” Sakura sputters, before pressing her hand against her mouth to muffle her laughter. 

Temari doesn’t answer or change her expression as Manako continues to move her fingers apart—five inches, six inches—and Hinata squeaks, cheeks filled with so much blood she appears about to faint. Seven inches, eight— 

“Okay, now I’m actually getting worried for you,” the older woman says. 

“You have no idea,” Temari replies, leaning back with her arms crossed and a satisfied smirk on her face.  

“I can’t hear this!” Ino wails. “He’s like…ugh, he’s like my brother and you just…that image! I will never get that image out of my head.” 

“Shit,” Karui says. “How are you still walking upright, woman?” 

Even Tenten looks impressed.  

“Okay, we have to get this out of the way right now, so no one else decides to draw it out over a bunch of Truths,” Ino says. “Over and done with. On a scale of one to ten—” 

“On a scale of one to Shikamaru,” Manako sniggers.  

Ino shoots her a dirty look. “On a scale of one to ten—��� 

Sakura interrupts. “The average length is about five inches. It’s beyond the norm to have a penis larger than—”  

Hinata yelps in protest, and Karui gives her an unimpressed look. “You’ve had two children and copious amounts of sex, and the word ‘penis’ bothers you?” 

“It’s…it’s not a very nice word,” the Hokage’s wife mutters, embarrassed.  

“It’s not a very nice-looking body part, but it gets the job done.” 

“Especially if you’re Temari, apparently,” Tenten chuckles.  

“She’s got a point, though. Sometimes I wish I was only into women, so I didn’t have to look at a penis,” Manako says. “It’s one thing to know it’s there—and hey, I benefit greatly from having a partner that has one—but given the choice…” She seesaws her right hand up and down. “Honestly, I could do without.” 

“You’d still be with Kakashi even if he didn’t have a dick?” Karui asks, surprised.  

“Of course! You don’t know what that mouth is capable of—” 

“Does he even have a mouth?” Sakura wonders. 

“—and even if that wasn’t the case? Dildos exist for a reason. Whether you have a dick or not,” Manako decides. The raises an eyebrow at Karui. “Are you saying if Chōji was in an accident tomorrow and lost his balls, you’d stop being with him?” 

“What? No! And besides, what accident would that be? He barely even goes out on missions anymore.” 

“Actually, there are several ways a man can lose—” Sakura begins. 

“I wasn’t actually asking,” Karui rolls her eyes. 

“I think we’re all getting wildly off-topic here,” Ino interjects. “Now! On a scale of one to—” 

“—Shikamaru,” Manako and Tenten say at the same time, grinning irreverently. 

“—where do our guys fall?” 

“I think that’s an inaccurate rating system,” Sakura protests. “Size can’t be the only factor.” 

“Yeah, what about girth?” Manako wants to know. “It’s all well and good if a guy’s eight inches long, but if his dick’s as thin as a pencil, it’s pretty much useless.”  

“And what about stamina? It’s not like it moves on its own,” Karui adds. 

“Oh! And proper aim! Or, you know, additional use of fingers. Nothing worse than sex with someone who thinks penetration is the only way to get a woman off,” Tenten adds,  

“Gods, this is turning into some kind of quadratic equation,” Ino complains.  

“It’s not that hard,” Sakura protests. There are several laughs at that, and she rolls her eyes. “Pun not intended. But anyway, let’s say we have four categories—length, girth, stamina and miscellaneous—” 

“What about…” Hinata begins, her voice barely above a whisper, and then she adds, “What about the feelings you have for your partner? That…I’m sure that makes a difference.” 

The other women consider, and the nod in agreement. 

“Alright, so we have five criteria, so if we put those out of ten, average them out and then assign them a value on the spectrum of one to—”  

—Shikamaru,” Karui, Manako and Tenten chorus. 

“Stop that!” Ino snaps.  

“—then it would be more accurate,” Sakura finishes.  

“If you’re still able to do math, you’re not drunk enough,” Temari informs Sakura.  

“You have no idea what I’m capable of when I’m drunk,” Sakura retorts. “And besides—I don’t get drunk.” 

“Oh, so that wasn’t you Sasuke was carting home from dinner last weekend, slung over his shoulder and staring at his ass?” Ino challenges. “Hm, must have been some other pink haired lush with a mutant forehead.”  

They glare at each other.

“9/10,” Sakura says at last. “There’s some stuff Sasuke’s a bit shy about or doesn’t bother with, but everything else makes up for it.”

“9/10 for Sai, too,” Ino agrees.

“You’re just saying that to compete with me.”

“Says you! My husband happens to be an excellent lover.”

“Except when he accidentally says something insulting and ruins the mood, I’m guessing,” Sakura says. “He does it in normal conversation, so I’m pretty sure he’s done it during sex too.”

“Stop thinking about my husband having sex!”

“Can’t think about her husband, can’t think about her not-brother…who can we think about having sex?” Manako wants to know and Tenten sniggers.

“Choji’s an 8,” Karui says, interrupting the argument. “But that’s just because he keeps wanting to bring food into bed. And then one or both of us gets distracted.”

“Ugh!” Ino cries. “Stop telling me things I can’t unhear!”

“Shikamaru’s an 8 too,” Temari says, earning surprised glances. “And only because he falls asleep a lot.”

“Oh, Naruto does that too,” Hinata agrees. “They’re both so busy at work.”

“So Naruto’s also an 8?”

“No. He’s a 10.”

“No way Naruto’s a 10,” Sakura insists.

“Yeah, he’s got to have something wrong with him,” Ino agrees. “ I mean…he’s Naruto.”

“10,” Hinata maintains firmly, and whether it’s out of loyalty or reality, everyone senses it’s better not to ask.

“Well, Kakashi’s an easy 10,” Manako says. “But that’s just because he has more experience than any of your men.”

“Whatever, you old crone.”

“Now that we’ve established all of that,” Temari interrupts, “I believe it was my turn to ask…” She trails off, considering her next victim, and then smirks at Hinata. “Truth or Dare?”

“T-truth.”

“Was your wedding night the first time Naruto saw you naked?” Temari wants to know.

The other women burst into laughter.

“Why are you doing this to me?” Hinata groans.

“You could always choose dare.”

“Which would be…?”

Temari considers, and then nods to herself. “Pick someone in this room and lick their cheek.”

“I volunteer,” Manako says immediately.

“You would,” Sakura mutters.

“You’re full of hair,” Ino points out. “She’d probably get a hairball.”

“That’s cats,” Manako sniffs, shaking her head.

“Stop moving if you don’t want me cutting off an ear,” Tenten warns her.

“It wasn’t.”

The words are so quiet, they almost go unnoticed.

Almost.

“It wasn’t?” Temari repeats, staring intently at Hinata.

“You mean you gave it up before you got married?” Ino blurts out. “Wow, Hinata, I never knew you had it in you—”

“No! That wasn’t—we didn’t—Temari asked about the first time he saw me naked, not when we slept together,” Hinata complains, normally pale skin darkened by a blush and her pale eyes flashing with a hint of temper. “And that night wasn’t the first time. We were out on a mission once when we were chunin and I was meditating by the river and I didn’t have clothes on.”

“And he barged right in?” Sakura supplies. “Pervert.”

“He didn’t know I was there,” Hinata protests.

“Sure he didn’t…”

Hinata folds her arms and frowns. “Ino, truth or dare.”

“Oi! I make one comment and now you’re going to pick on me?”

Hinata raises an eyebrow.

“Truth,” Ino says, not quite trusting the usually innocent Hinata; it’s always the quiet ones that are the most dangerous, after all.

The Hokage’s wife ponders, and then a truly uncanny smile appears on her face, one that would look more at home on Naruto than her. “I heard somewhere that you perfected the Yamanaka technique of switching souls within bodies. So have you ever—I mean, on purpose—switched with Sai…you know…during?”

Ino’s jaw drops.

As does everyone else’s.

Sakura is the first to speak. “Well, I never would have saw that one coming.”

She almost sounds impressed.

“You have a dirty, dirty mind,” Manako says. “Good for you.”

“I think you broke Ino,” Temari points out, and everyone glances at the other blond woman who looks as if her brain has short-circuited.

“I think that’s a yes,” Sakura says, eyes gleaming with mischief. “She only over looks like that when she’s been caught out.”

“No way,” Karui says in awe. “So you’ve actually—?”

Ino snaps out of. “You’re all being ridiculous.”

“That’s not a no.”

“Stop it!”

“That’s a yes!”

“No it’s not!”

“So you actually know what it’s like to have sex as a guy?” Manako wants to know. “This I have to hear.”

“No, I don’t—stop putting words in my mouth! Truth! I choose a penalty truth!”

“Well-played,” Temari informs Hinata, who smiles sheepishly, before asking Ino, “If you could sleep with any of the Kage, past or present, who would you choose?”

“Nice one,” Sakura approves.

Ino thinks about it, and then says, “Kurutsuchi.”

Everyone gasps at that.

“Seriously?” Manako asks.

“Did I stutter?” Ino shoots back, echoing her words back.

“I thought you were completely straight,” Tenten says, surprised.

“I am. But given the fact that everyone else is or was either ugly, old, creepy or evil, I stand by my choice. Especially since Hinata said sleep and didn’t necessarily say have sex with.”

“Boo,” Sakura accuses. “You’re not supposed to logic your way out of an embarrassing truth. In fact, you’re not supposed to be sober enough to logic your way out of an embarrassing truth.”

“I’m just that good,” Ino sniffs.

“In your own mind, maybe…”

“Shut up. No, wait. Don’t shut up. Truth or dare?”

“Didn’t you already ask her?” Karui wants to know.

“Shh! It’s bound to be a good one,” Manako interrupts her. By now, her hair has been chopped off into an uneven, bristly pixie cut, and Tenten is grumbling as she pushes long locks of hair off of herself.

“I hope the manager of this place doesn’t mind cleaning this up,” she mutters to herself. “Maybe I can give him a discount at my store or something…”

“Okay, okay, I’ve got one, I’ve got one,” Ino interrupts, waving her hands to make everyone else shut up. “Okay—Sakura. Imagine you get Sasuke to agree to have a threesome with you and another guy—"

“Tch! Sure, in a parallel universe,” Sakura snorts, and then pauses, blinking. “On second thought, having met the Sasuke from a parallel universe, I think he might actually be into that sort of thing.” 

“Wow,” Temari says with a blink. “I don’t know whether that’s hot or disturbing.” 

“Hot,” Tenten decides. 

“Disturbing,” Karui says at the same time. 

“Both?” Hinata suggests tentatively. 

“Both,” Manako says with a definitive note in her voice.  

“All of you shut up, I haven’t finished my question!” Ino snaps, and the other women glance back at her. She renews her grin at Sakura. “So—say you get Sasuke to agree to a threesome with another guy, but it has to be a guy from your genin squad—” 

“Ino!” 

“—who would it be?” 

“That’s not fair!” Sakura protests. “Three of them are married—”

“Kakashi and I aren’t married, we’re living in sin,” Manako interjects.

“—to people sitting in this room!” 

“Well, fine, if you’re going to whine about it—for the purposes of this truth we can include members of your chūnin squad, too.” 

“That’s no different!” 

“If you don’t tell the truth, you have to do the dare,” Ino sing-songs. 

Cheeks burning and expression mutinous, Sakura spends a few seconds considering the lesser of two evils, and then sighs. “Fine. Kakashi.” 

There’s a burst of uproarious laughter and squealing. 

“No way!” Ino protests. “He’s so old!” 

“He’s not old, he’s experienced,” Manako corrects with would-be-haughtiness. “And a girl could do worse.” 

“It has nothing to do with that!” Sakura cries and goes, if possible, even more red. “It’s the choice that makes the most sense! If it were Naruto, he and Sasuke would forget all about me and start some ridiculous competition—probably measuring their dicks or something—” 

Everyone laughs, and even red-faced and perpetually embarrassed Hinata cocks her head to one side as if to say, ‘fair point’. 

“—and that would end in a fist-fight. Then there’s Sai, who would have a comment for everything, and Sasuke would take it as criticism, and that would end in a fistfight,” she goes on, ticking options off her fingers while Temari snorts and takes another sip of sake.  

“—and Yamato-taichou would be so unbelievable uncomfortable he would pass out—” 

“Also, didn’t Sasuke stab him once?” Temari wants to know. 

“—yeah, exactly! I doubt he’d want to get it on with the guy who stabbed him.” 

“I don’t know if that would make a difference. Sasuke’s stabbed Naruto half a dozen times, and Naruto would probably still be down to fu—” 

“Manako, if you finish that sentence, I will slip cocoa into your food and watch you asphyxiate to death in front of me,” Sakura vows, glancing over Hinata with the urge to press her hands over the other woman’s ears.  

“Doesn’t setting off a severe enough allergic reaction that is causes anaphylactic shock violate the Medic-Nin’s Oath?” Manako challenges, and then makes a face. “Huh. Say that ten times fast.” 

“There are loopholes,” Sakura replies primly. 

“Sure there are…” 

“Why are we focusing on Sakura becoming a murderer, and not on the fact that she wants to bone her former jōnin instructor?” Karui wants to know. 

“I never said I wanted to bone him! It was Truth or Dare question!” 

“Hmph. I personally would have gone with the Dare…” 

“I don’t know,” Ino muses slowly. “I guess it could be interesting. I mean, he does read those books all the time.” She shoots Manako a questioning look. “Or does that not carry over?” 

The older woman grins wolfishly. “Oh, it does. It really, really does.” 

“La-la-la, I can’t hear you,” Sakura sings. Forget putting her hands over Hinata’s ears, she’s clapped them so hard to her head that she feels a bit of suction between palm and ear.  

A sudden explosion rips through the air, sending a shockwave through the entire restaurant; it’s strong enough to knock Karui’s brassier from the lamp fixture. Outside, violent purple and fiery orange light up the night, behind the ruins of the Hokage tower.

“I guess that’s our cue,” Sakura sighs, getting up.

“Husband wrangling time,” Ino agrees.

“Who’s getting the bill?” Karui wants to know.

Everyone exchanges glances, and quickly stick their forefingers on their nose, except for Manako, who’s investigating her shorn hair. Noticing them all, she groans.

“Oh, that’s nice. Pick on the girl without super ninja reflexes.”

終わり

________________________________________________________________

So, there you go. It’s complete and utter crack, and totally just written for the sake of dialogue more than anything else. And all the sex info you never knew you wanted to know :P

Hope you guys had a bit of a laugh!

(Also, it occurs to me that Manako is the Naruto’verse equivalent of Captain Jack Harkness…)

I want to know what you think of my story! Leave kudos, a comment or if writing comments isn’t something you’re comfortable with, as many of these (or other emojis) as you want and let me know how you feel!

❤️️ = I love this story! 😳 = this was hot! 💐 = thank you for sharing this 🍵 = tea spilled 🍬 = so sweet and fluffy! 🚔 = you’re under arrest! the writing’s too good! 😲 = I NEED THE NEXT CHAPTER 😢 = you got me right in the feels 🤯mind blown 🤬god damn cliffhanger 😫 whyyyyyyy?!?!?

 栗

[ladykissingfish]

Under the Mistletoe with the Akatsuki // Part Eight // Kakuzu

What is with this group and wasting their free time doing such inane and pointless things? The old guy can think of at least 50 other activities (the majority of which involve making money) that everyone could be doing, rather than lining up to kiss each under a little green plant. When it’s his turn in the spotlight, he tries as hard as he can to back out of his “obligation” ... but Pein (and Kakuzu’s own persistent partner, Hidan) insist that Kakuzu participate. Kakuzu sighs and nods; he’s smart enough to know when he’s been defeated. However, Pein should know that Kakuzu will be adding a little extra money to his paycheck that week, for “hazard pay”.

Pein

Nagato was more interested in Kakuzu joining his group than any of the others. Immortality, money-sense, expertise and wisdom ... this is the man who survived the wars of the past. This is the man who survived the mighty Hashirama, God of all shinobi. Still, Nagato is no fool; he realizes that Kakuzu’s number one priority in life isn’t the Akatsuki, but money. Kakuzu would probably (and had likely thought about) betray them all in exchange for a tidy sum. So Nagato (as Pein) works to keep Kakuzu content enough to remain loyal, including making him the group’s treasurer and giving him complete control over everyone’s finances. And Kakuzu remains highly useful; strategizing, completing missions twice as fast (and ten times as efficient) as his younger teammates. Pein approaches Kakuzu and gives him a light kiss on the forehead, before returning to his room. He reminds himself to speak to Kakuzu later; he has some ideas about weapons he’d like to procure for the group, and needs to see if it would be financially feasible to do so.

Konan

Kakuzu genuinely likes Konan, and appreciates her company. Many men of Kakuzu’s generation were raised on the belief system that women were solely meant to be wives, child-bearers, and home-makers; to call a female a ninja was deemed unthinkable. But Kakuzu was a rarity in that he never saw this as being the case; man or woman, one’s inner strength was all that mattered in regards to being a shinobi. He’s spoken with Konan at length about her childhood, and the trauma she endured, and he knows that this little blue-haired lady is a sight tougher than a LOT of people (and Kakuzu’s met quite a few in his long life). Konan walks up to him and he smiles; it’s rare for Kakuzu to smile, but Konan brings it out of him. “Good evening, Kakuzu-san. I think it’s my turn.” He nods, and slips off his mask so that his lips are exposed. He leans down and very, very gently kisses her cheek. Her blushing skin is soft and her smile is beautiful as she thanks him and steps away, to let the next person go.

Kisame

Nobody knows this about Kakuzu (and he fears he would be mocked if they did), but the old guy puts a lot of emphasis on the idea of exercise. Five hearts is a lot of responsibility, and staying healthy is how Kakuzu intends to keep living forever. So every night, when the others are asleep and after he’s done with his reading, he’ll spend some time in his room exercising. One night Kisame passed by his open door and saw him using a pair of heavy books as make-shift weights. The next evening Kisame came to Kakuzu’s room with a set of real barbells , which he casually gave to Kakuzu with the admonition not to overdo it. Kakuzu greatly appreciated the gesture (and the unspoken support), and the two have been good friends ever since. But ... a kiss between them would just be too strange, so Kisame comes up with a better option: an arm-wrestling match, Kisame grabs the kitchen table and two chairs and sets them up under the mistletoe. Of course the rest of the Akatsuki gathers to watch, hooting and hollering and placing bets on who will win. Kisame and Kakuzu are both fairly evenly matched, so that challenge goes on for a while. Finally, with a final grunt of exertion, Kakuzu is able to slam Kisame’s hand into the table. Everyone claps, and Kisame laughs and tells Kakuzu that he’s “one tough son of a bitch”; high compliment coming from a man who was half-shark.

Itachi

Out of all the members of the Akatsuki, Itachi was by far the least problematic of the younger ones. Quiet, thoughtful, quick and efficient in completing missions. And polite; always forthcoming with “please” and “thank you”, and never failing to use honorifics with the others, even though some of them (ie Deidara and Hidan) don’t show him that same respect back. One time Kakuzu had caught a cold that stubbornly hung on for several days. Itachi came to his room every day with a cup of congestion-easing tea, something that Kakuzu didn’t ask for, but greatly appreciated nonetheless. Itachi comes up to him and nods. “Kakuzu-san.” “Itachi-san.” Itachi leans up and gives him a light kiss to the cheek, and Kakuzu is struck by a particular urge — to hug this kid. Something about him, perhaps everything about him, seems like a cry for parental love and affection. Kakuzu resists this odd impulse, but Itachi seems to sense that it’s something he wanted, because he leans over again and very briefly puts his arms around the older man. “Thank you,” he murmurs, before walking away. Kakuzu watches him go, slightly shaking his head.

Tobi

Tobi gives Kakuzu an uneasy feeling deep within his heart(s). Running around, speaking loudly, eating nothing but candy and sweets, acting like a complete fool — it’s an act. Kakuzu has never been more convinced of anything in his life. The only question is, why is Tobi putting on this act? To deceive them all into a false sense of security, before striking? Kakuzu has hunted bounties a good deal of his life, and a lot of the more difficult ones to catch have acted EXACTLY the way Tobi does, in order to throw off potential bounty hunters. Kakuzu learned to see through them, the same way he sees through Tobi. But to tip one’s hand and give away what you know is unthinkable in the chase and capture game, so Kakuzu never lets on what he actually believes. “Oh boy Kakuzu-san; does Tobi get a kissy now?!” Kakuzu nods, and Tobi slides his mask halfway off (Kakuzu notes the lines on the side of his face; accident, most likely. Possibly a disfiguring one) and the strange glint of his eye. Before Tobi can act, Kakuzu puts a hand on his face and kisses his forehead. “There. Now go.” Tobi slides the mask back on and hurries away with his usual chatter and giggling, and Kakuzu reminds himself to loom through the bingo book later for bounties with visible scarring on the left side of the face.

Zetsu

Five hearts means more blood needed to sustain said hearts. More blood means a stronger scent. A stronger scent means ... Kakuzu smells delicious to someone like Zetsu. Zetsu approaches him and looks around quickly; the two are alone. His brain runs through every possible scenario in which he could successfully kill and eat Kakuzu. He’s victorious in a few ... but most end with him mutilated by the man’s tentacles, and having to face the wrath of Pein on top of everything else. So he simply sighs, flicks out his tongue to taste the saltiness of Kakuzu’s cheek, and walks away again. Just that one taste was almost enough to make zetsu throw restraint to the wind and eat his fill, so he leaves before he can do anything he’ll regret. Kakuzu wipes off his cheek in mild disgust ... in a group full of freaks, Zetsu certainly seemed to take the cake.

Deidara

Kakuzu still remembers the day they brought this kid into the group. And that’s exactly what he was; a kid. Barely 15 years old, with a powerful “gift”, and full of anger at a village he felt betrayed him in not trying to understand his unique sense of ‘art’. Fast forward several years later and Deidara had changed, and most of that change was the better. Kakuzu could only surmise that the kid matured due to the constant council and guidance of his older and wiser partner Sasori; Kakuzu feels mildly jealous that Sasori was able to reign some measure of improvement over HIS young partner, but Kakuzu couldn’t do a thing with Hidan. Still, though, even Sasori hadn’t been able to completely tame the kid, as evidenced by Deidara managing to get BOTH arms blown off in a tussle with some Konoha nin. Kakuzu had been tasked with sewing his new arms back on, but to the kids credit, despite his painful the procedure had been, he didn’t utter a sound. Had even thanked Kakuzu, twice, afterwards. Deidara walks up to him and looks almost shy; 19 years old now and still with the face of a child. Kakuzu leans down and kisses the kid’s forehead, again noting his soft and smooth — and LONG — his hair was. It sways as Deidara walks away, and Kakuzu wonders how much he could get for those luscious locks, from the right buyer.

Sasori

Respect. Out of all the words that Kakuzu could use to describe how he felt about Sasori, Respect was at the top of the list. And the funny thing was, Kakuzu hadn’t even met the REAL Sasori until almost a year of being in the Akatsuki. The two had been sent on a mission, and at night, near the campfire, a soft metal sound made Kakuzu turn his head. It was a small, slender redhead, emerging from the being that Kakuzu had THOUGHT was a real person. The two had looked at each other for a while, and then started a game of cards as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. As time went on, the two became closer. They both shared an interest in/knowledge of medical jutsu and procedures, and would often come to one another with questions or with articles on different medicines. Kakuzu nods at him as he walks up, and Sasori does the same. He thinks about it, bends down and kisses Sasori’s left cheek, and Sasori smiles at him, bidding him a quiet Good Evening before going back to his room.

Hidan

“Hey old fuck; you’ve been dying to get your hands on my sexy body all day, haven’t ya, pervert?” Kakuzu would roll his eyes at Hidan’s comment, but at this point, he’s ridiculously used to the things his partner says and does. As he looks at Hidan’s face, he wonders, and not for the first time, whether this is a punishment of sorts. Gaining five hearts and creating a kind of immortality only came for Kakuzu at the end of a long and bloody road, one paved with the unwilling sacrifices of other people. Was it Fate, that the Gods had put THIS man, this loud, overbearing, foul-mouthed heathen, into his path? And as the one person who just might be immortal, too? Hidan often joked about “When all these other assholes bite the big one, me and you might as well get married, bastard.” But what in the world was he saying? Surely he was joking; why would someone as young and attractive as Hidan want to be with Kakuzu? Kakuzu who was heaven knows how many times Hidan’s age, and — “So we gonna slobber each other or what?” “You’ve got a big mouth, brat. Learn to shut up once in a while.” “MAKE me shut up, fuck-face.” So Kakuzu grabs Hidan around the waist, tilts him back, and sinks into his lips. Kakuzu’s mouth is rough and scarred but Hidan’s is smooth and soft, and the contrast creates a dizzying effect for both men. Hidan grasps Kakuzu’s shoulders tighter, leaving slight nail-prints in Kakuzu’s flesh. Their lips are touching but in this moment it feels like everything is touching, even their very souls (if either of them still had one, that is). When Kakuzu finally breaks the kiss and pulls Hidan back up, the white-haired immortal seems fairly disorientated ... but that doesn’t stop his mouth. “You’re an even bigger pervert than I thought, old fuck. Who the hell said you could stick your tongue in my mouth?? And why —” Kakuzu suddenly reaches out and grabs Hidan’s face with both hands, this time pulling him forward into a very soft, closed-mouth kiss. “Better?” Instead of a smartass answer, Hidan simply nods; and now he’s smiling as he walks away. If he were to turn around at any point, he’d surely gasp; because Kakuzu’s smile was even bigger than Hidan’s own. “Stupid kid,” Kakuzu mutters to himself, still smiling as he makes his way back to his room.

[degrassi-fanatic]

Happy Birthday

From all the way over in the living room, Sakura can hear the bickering voices of Lee, Tenten, and Gai, as well as the perpetual clinking and clanking of cooking equipment. With the exception of Team Gai, who were stationed out in the kitchen to prepare the food for this evening and Hinata, Kiba, and Akamaru, who were out to pick up the cake, the rest of Konoha 11 (and then some) were situated outside in the living room as they worked hard on readying everything for the party. 

Choji and Shikamaru have taken it upon themselves to rearrange the living room; pushing, pulling, and rotating furniture until they have what they deem an adequate amount of space for everything and everyone. 

 Their wives, Karui and Temari inflate balloon after balloon until they have accumulated a massive pile of pink, silver, and white on the floor in front of them. Meanwhile, Shino and Kurenai hang up coordinating reflective pink and silver streamers from the ceiling, stopping every so often to pull away both Kurumi and Aiko-chan from trying to yank at the frail pieces of cellophane. 

 In a corner, Sai and Sasuke struggle to figure out how to play the music through the speaker system. To their right, Naruto is stuck on babysitting duty and attempts to keep watch on all four kids (plus one ninken puppy and one pre-teen) with a one-year old baby hoisted on his hip uncomfortably. He seems to be struggling quite a bit as he tries to keep all the kids from tugging on Kurumi’s tail.

 “Kakashi-sensei,” Sakura says as she finishes taping off her end of the ‘Happy Birthday’ banner, “Go help Naruto with the kids.”

 “Maa, I’m not good with—”

 “Oh, cut the crap, sensei.” she interrupts, not wanting to tiptoe around today, “Don’t act like I haven’t seen you doting on Akari.”

 ��Fine.” Kakashi huffs out.

 In under a minute or so, Kakashi teaches Naruto how to hold a baby properly and has all of the kids engaged in some entertaining yet blissfully quiet game (that doesn’t require them to pull on Kurumi’s tail.)

 God, Sakura needs to learn how to do that. 

 From behind her, she hears Sasuke groan in frustration over the lack of progress on the speaker system. 

 “I don’t know why we have to go all out for Akari’s birthday.” he complains as he shoves whatever he was working on into Sai’s hands, “She’s only turning one. It’s not like she’s going to remember it.”

 “Oi, idiot,” Shikamaru says, wiping sweat off his brow as he sets the coffee table down somewhere new for the umpteenth time, “It’s Ino’s birthday too.”

 “Oh, right, Ino-buta’s turning….” he trails off as he tries to calculate the years only to inevitably give up, “How many years old?”

 Balling her hand up into a tight fist, Sakura punches Sasuke in the back. At the touch, the man doubles over, letting out a loud hiss before attempting to straighten up again. 

 “Don’t call my wife Ino-buta!” Sakura exclaims, “Only I can say that!”

 “She calls me worse!”

 His retort is readily ignored (even though his claim is true). Sakura simply rolls her eyes and glances down at her watch.

 Which was definitely a bad idea because soon she’s hyperventilating. 

 A wave of panic washes over her as she realizes what time it is. Tsunade-sama is supposed to bring Ino back to the house in no less than ten minutes, and they haven’t finished up yet; Lee and the others were still in the kitchen, Shikamaru and Choji have only just settled on the placement of everything in the living room, the only thing Sai’s figured out about the speaker system is how to turn it on and off, and Hinata and Kiba aren’t even back with the cake yet—

 “Hey,” she hears Sasuke murmur, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder, “Don’t worry. Everything will be fine.”

For any other birthday, Sakura wouldn’t have cared this much about getting everything perfect but this wasn’t just any other birthday; today was Akari’s first ever birthday, and it was the first time Ino would be sharing her birthday with her daughter. 

 “Ino will like whatever you do for her.” he reminds her, “And Akari literally won’t remember this.”

 A laugh escapes through Sakura’s mouth. 

 She takes a moment to close her eyes and breathe; in and out, in and out. Then, she opens her eyes up and turns to look at Sasuke, giving him a nervous smile. 

 He was right, though she loathes to admit it.

 Ino wouldn’t care if the speaker system was being janky. Or if the cake was a little late. Or if the arrangement of the furniture in their living room was impractical. 

 All she would care about is the fact that her wife was trying to give her a good first-shared-birthday-with-their-daughter party. 

 Before Sakura can utter her thanks to Sasuke, Tenten strolls into the living room, carrying trays of food, while Lee wheels Gai into the living room behind her.

 “Finally done!” Tenten exclaims as she drops the food onto a nearby table, “And with no help from those two!”

 Her ears tune out of the conversation/argument/whatever going on at hand. Instead, she mentally ticks off food from her list of things to finish up.

 Then, her ears tune back in to hear the soft beginnings of hers and Ino’s favourite song playing through the air. She whips around to find Sai giving her a thumbs up and a non-practiced smile before quickly flicking the machine off. 

 With the music finally being taken care of, that only leaves the—

 Her train of thought is interrupted by the front door bursting open to reveal Hinata rushing into the house, holding onto the cake, with Kiba and Akamaru following behind closely. 

 “We’re here!” she exclaims, a little out of breath, “And I am happy to report that neither Akamaru nor Kiba have licked the cake!”

 “Alright,” Sakura murmurs to herself, “Decorations are up. Food’s here. Drinks are in the fridge. Akari is in clean clothes. All our guests are here….”

 Then, why does it feel like she’s missing something?

 Setting her hands on her hips, Sakura takes a glance around the room. Is it the presents? No, they’ve got a pile of those. Do they need more decorations? Probably not, considering that every available surface/wall is covered in something pink or white. Maybe, it’s the—

 “Sakura!” she hears Naruto exclaim, “You’re not dressed yet!”

 She looks down to realize that he’s right; her hair and makeup may be done but she’s still in a baby-food-stained sweater and sweatpants. 

 “Thanks, Naruto!” she says over her shoulder as she races down to the bedroom to change. 

 Once she’s in front of the bedroom door, she yanks the door open and swiftly kicks it shut in a quick succession of movements. She finds her party clothes right where she left them out on the bedspread. 

 Years of shrugging on clothes in the dead of night to fight enemies, and the recent months of having to figure out how to change quick enough without Akari realizing she’s left the room, has left Sakura with a knowledge of the best techniques for a wardrobe change. In only under a minute, she finds herself dashing back into the living room wearing a loose, red floral dress.

 Just in time too because the moment she steps into the living room, Kakashi is flicking off the lights and everyone is crouching behind something. 

 For a few moments, the only sounds are of the ninkens’ loud breathing and the hushed, excited giggling of the children. 

 Then, Sakura hears an exchange of soft murmurs between Ino and Tsunade-sama, as their footsteps begin to get louder and louder the  closer and closer they get to the front door. 

 Peaking over the chair she’s hiding behind, Sakura can just barely notice the way the doorknob twists as the door opens up. 

 As soon as the lights are turned on, everyone in attendance jumps up and out to scream ‘surprise’. 

 The birthday girl yelps as she places a hand to her chest. It takes her a moment to register everything that's going on but when she does, she lets out a loud laugh as she thanks everyone. Her eyes immediately go searching until she finds Sakura’s own. 

 She walks past all of their guests and beelines to Sakura. With a hand on the back of her neck, Ino tugs her in for a soft kiss that Sakura sighs into. She can practically feel all of the party planning tension leaving her body. 

 Eventually, after all of the cake cutting and all of the dancing and all of the gift-opening, the night begins to wind down. At least it has for the adults, the kids on the other hand have no qualms about dragging their Uncle Shino into some game they’ve made themselves. 

 For what feels like the first time all day, Sakura finally gets to hold her daughter in her arms. She sits next to Naruto, away from all of their other friends who are conversing over food. More to herself than to her daughter, Sakura quietly hums along to the song that's playing as she rocks Akari to the rhythm.

 Although, it seems like Akari's attention is elsewhere. She keeps trying to crawl into Naruto's lap and after the fifth attempt, Sakura decides to let her have what she wants; which just so happens to be the necklace hanging from Naruto's neck. 

 As Naruto realizes what's going on, his eyes immediately light up. He scoops the baby into his arms so her short little arms can reach his dangling necklace. 

 “This is the First Hokage’s Necklace, Akari,” he explains in a high-pitched-baby-talk voice, “Do you want to be Hokage? Do you, Akari-chan?”

 All Akari does in response is smile and lightly thwack Naruto across the face with her fist. He doesn’t seem to mind though because he only laughs at her antics.

 “So you and Kakashi thinking about—”

 “What!” Naruto exclaims, garnering the attention of their friends for a moment.

 “C’mon,” Sakura says as she jostles her shoulder with his, “You guys are the only couple without kids.”

 The tips of Naruto’s burn bright red, as does the bridge of his nose. 

 “If I ever have a mini-me, the village is definitely going to burn down to the ground,” Naruto mumbles, ducking his head down to hide the flush on his face, “Or at least, be overrun by sexy no jutsus constantly.”

 Sakura tries to get that disturbing image out of her head. 

 “But, if you have a mini-Kakashi,” she says, “Then, the village is definitely going to prosper.”

 Out of seemingly nowhere, Kakashi pops up next to the couch with two plates full of food. He sets one of them down by the side table. 

 “I heard my name.” 

 Kakashi's sudden appearance and all of the baby talk must have done something to Naruto's brain because the next words to come out of his mouth are—

 “Do you want to have kids!”

 Sakura smacks herself in the forehead. Then, again, what else should she expect from Naruto, of all people? Subtly was not his most refined skill. 

 “That’s my cue to leave.” she says while pushing herself off the couch. 

 The mumbling of Naruto and Kakashi’s conversation fades away as Sakura makes her way over to her wife, who is leaning against the wall and eating what must be her third slice of cake that night. 

 All of that baby talk with Naruto must have done something to Sakura's head too because now she can only picture Ino holding another baby in her arms as Akari totters around her legs. 

 Shaking her head, she tries to dissolve the image from her mind. The two of them do not need another baby; they’ve already got their hands full with one and they’re both working adults with full time jobs and two kids would require much more time at home or at least paying for a daycare would run them dry and that—

 “Ino?”

 “Hmm?” she murmurs around the fork in her mouth. 

 Oh God, Sakura wants another baby. 

 “I want another baby.”

 She pulls the fork out of her mouth with a pop. Soon, she’s setting aside the plate, in favour of tugging Sakura down to lean on the wall with her. 

 “Yeah?” she asks softly, barely audible over the sounds of the party.

 “Yeah.”

 “Okay, then.” she says smiling widely, with pink frosting stained teeth. 

 Reaching down, Sakura clasps her hand around Ino’s before pulling it into her lap; she fiddles with Ino’s wedding band absentmindedly as she looks out to the rest of the living room. Her eyes wander around from scene to scene until they settle on the sight of Kakashi and Naruto huddled around Akari. 

 “By the way," Sakura adds, "Naruto and Kakashi are probably going to have a kid soon too.” 

 “I don’t want to think of the implication of our baby and theirs being in the same class at school.”

[kuriquinn]

Evil Author Day WIP # 1

Someone asked me to do a female version of “Why Sasuke Uchiha Will Never Drink Again” and so I actually started working on that. And then got caught up thinking of all the ridiculous truths and dares that could be done and didn’t finish.

This isn’t even half of what I had planned to write, but it’s all the parts I cackled at WHILE writing, so do enjoy! (And spot the Suits reference :D :D :D

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“And, it’s official!” Sakura declares, pouring the last bit of sake into her cup before raising it in front of her. “The Fourth Annual Sexy Wives of Konoha Summit is now in session. Kanpai!”

The rest of the women in the back booth of the izakaya raise their own glasses and chorus, “Kanpai!” before tipping back the alcohol.  

“Can I just say I think our summit is a lot more fun than the Kage summit?” Tenten asks.

“Definitely,” Karui agrees. “More alcohol, which I’m in favour of. And we probably have more interesting stuff to talk about.”

“Does anyone actually know what they’re talking about?” Ino asks.

“Something about tariffs,” Hinata says. “Or…sheep, I think. Or maybe both.”

“Or aliens,” Sakura suggests.

“Or aliens.”

“You know what they should be talking about?” Ino asks. “Better footwear for shinobi. I mean seriously, the athletic sandals we used to wear as genin? Do you know how much blood and muck I used to get between my toes? It’s a nationwide crisis, is what it is.”

“Yeah, screw aliens,” Manako agrees.  

“Or preferably don’t

The other women murmur their agreements, clink their cups, and then drink.

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“Okay, okay, I got one, I got one—imagine you get Sasuke to agree to have a threesome with you and another guy—”

“Tch! Sure, in a parallel universe,” Sakura snorts, and then pauses, blinking. “On second thought, having met the Sasuke from a parallel universe, I think he might actually be into that sort of thing.”

“Wow,” Temari says with a blink. “I don’t know whether that’s hot or disturbing.”

“Hot,” Tenten decides.

“Disturbing,” Karui says at the same time.

“Both?” Hinata suggests tentatively.

“Both,” Manako says with a definitive note in her voice.  

“All of you shut up, I haven’t finished my question!” Ino snaps, and the other women glance back at her. She renews her grin at Sakura. “So—say you get Sasuke to agree to a threesome with another guy, but it has to be a guy from your genin squad—”  

“Ino!”

“—who would it be?”

“That’s not fair!” Sakura protests. “Both of them are married! To people sitting in this room!”

“Well, fine, if you’re going to whine about it—for the purposes of this truth we can include members of your chūnin squad, too.”

“That’s no different!”

“If you don’t tell the truth, you have to do the dare,” Ino sing-songs.

Cheeks burning and expression mutinous, she spends a few seconds considering the lesser of two evils, and then sighs. “Fine. Kakashi.”

There’s a burst of uproarious laughter and squealing.

“No way!” Ino protests. “He’s so old!”

“He’s not old, he’s experienced,” Manako corrects with would-be-haughtiness. “And a girl could do worse.”

“It has nothing to do with that!” Sakura cries and goes, if possible, even more red. “It’s the choice that makes the most sense! If it were Naruto, he and Sasuke would forget all about me and start some ridiculous competition—probably measuring their dicks or something—”

Everyone laughs, and even red-faced and perpetually embarrassed Hinata cocks her head to one side as if to say, ‘fair point’.

“—and that would end in a fist-fight. Then there’s Sai, who would have a comment for everything, and Sasuke would take it as criticism, and that would end in a fistfight,” she goes on, ticking options off her fingers while Temari snorts and takes another sip of sake.  

“—and Yamato-taichou would be so unbelievable uncomfortable he would pass out—”

“Also, didn’t Sasuke stab him once?” Temari wants to know.

“—yeah, exactly! I doubt he’d want to get it on with the guy who stabbed him.”

“I don’t know if that would make a difference. Sasuke’s stabbed Naruto half a dozen times, and Naruto would probably still be down to fu—”

“Manako, if you finish that sentence, I will slip cocoa into your food and watch you asphyxiate to death in front of me,” Sakura vows, glancing over Hinata with the urge to press her hands over the other woman’s ears.  

“Doesn’t setting off a severe enough allergic reaction that is causes anaphylactic shock violate the Medic-Nin’s Oath?” Manako challenges, and then makes a face. “Huh. Say that ten times fast.”

“There are loopholes,” Sakura replies primly.

“Sure there are…”

“Why are we focusing on Sakura becoming a murderer, and not on the fact that she wants to bone her former jōnin instructor?” Karui wants to know.

“I never said I wanted to bone him! It was Truth or Dare question!”

“Hmph. I personally would have gone with the Dare…”

“I don’t know,” Ino muses slowly. “I guess it could be interesting. I mean, he does read those books all the time.” She shoots Manako a questioning look. “Or does that not carry over?”

The older woman grins wolfishly. “Oh, it does. It really, really does.”

“La-la-la, I can’t hear you,” Sakura sings. Forget putting her hands over Hinata’s ears, she’s clapped them so hard to her head that she feels a bit of suction between palm and ear.  

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“Okay, let me ask you the most important emotional question I can think of,” Manako says, adopting a serious expression.  

The former Sunanin raises an eyebrow, but her face remains as stolid as ever. “Fine.”

But Manako doesn’t speak. Instead, she holds the tips of her index fingers together and then slowly starts to pull them apart.

For a moment no one knows what she is doing, but as the distance grows between the fingers—three inches, four inches—comprehension dawns on everyone.  

“Oh my god!” Sakura sputters, before pressing her hand against her mouth to muffle her laughter.

Temari doesn’t answer or change her expression as Manako continues to move her fingers apart—five inches, six inches—and Hinata squeaks, cheeks filled with so much blood she appears about to faint. Seven inches, eight—

“Okay, now I’m actually getting worried for you,” the older woman says.

“You have no idea,” Temari replies, leaning back with her arms crossed and a satisfied smirk on her face.  

“I can’t hear this!” Ino wails. “He’s like…ugh, he’s like my brother and you just…that image! I will never get that image out of my head.”

“Shit,” Karui says. “How are you still walking upright, woman?”

Even Tenten looks impressed.  

“Okay, we have to get this out of the way right now, so no one else decides to draw it out over a bunch of Truths,” Ino says. “Over and done with. On a scale of one to ten—”

“On a scale of one to Shikamaru,” Manako sniggers.  

Ino shoots her a dirty look. “On a scale of one to ten—”

Sakura interrupts. “The average length is about five inches. It’s beyond the norm to have a penis larger than—”  

Hinata yelps in protest, and Karui gives her an unimpressed look. “You’ve had two children and copious amounts of sex, and the word ‘penis’ bothers you?”

“It’s…it’s not a very nice word,” the Hokage’s wife mutters, embarrassed.  

“It’s not a very nice-looking body part, but it gets the job done.”

“Especially if you’re Temari, apparently,” Tenten chuckles.  

“She’s got a point, though. Sometimes I wish I was only into women, so I didn’t have to look at a penis,” Manako says. “It’s one thing to know it’s there—and hey, I benefit greatly from having a partner that has one—but given the choice…” She seesaws her right hand up and down. “Honestly, I could do without.”

“You’d still be with Kakashi even if he didn’t have a dick?” Karui asks, surprised.  

“Of course! You don’t know what that mouth is capable of—”

“Does he even have a mouth?” Sakura wonders.

“—and even if that wasn’t the case? Dildos exist for a reason. Whether you have a dick or not,” Manako decides. The raises an eyebrow at Karui. “Are you saying if Chōji was in an accident tomorrow and lost his balls, you’d stop being with him?”

“What? No! And besides, what accident would that be? He barely even goes out on missions anymore.”

“Actually, there are several ways a man can lose—” Sakura begins.

“I wasn’t actually asking,” Karui rolls her eyes.

“I think we’re all getting wildly off-topic here,” Ino interjects. “Now! On a scale of one to—”

“—Shikamaru,” Manako and Temari say at the same time, one a little more wryly than the other.  

“—where do our guys fall?”

“I think that’s an inaccurate rating system,” Sakura protests. “Size can’t be the only factor.”

“Yeah, what about girth?” Manako wants to know. “It’s all well and good if I guy’s eight inches long, but if his dick’s as thin as a pencil, it’s pretty much useless.”  

“And what about stamina? It’s not like it moves on its own,” Karui adds.

“Oh! And proper aim! Or, you know, additional use of fingers. Nothing worse than sex with someone who thinks penetration is the only way to get a woman off,” Tenten adds,  

“Gods, this is turning into some kind of quadratic equation,” Ino complains.  

“It’s not that hard,” Sakura protests. There are several laughs at that, and she rolls her eyes. “Pun not intended. But anyway, let’s say we have four categories—length, girth, stamina and miscellaneous—”

“What about…” Hinata begins, her voice barely above a whisper, and then she adds, “What about the feelings you have for your partner? That…I’m sure that makes a difference.”

The other women consider, and the nod in agreement.

“Alright, so we have five criteria, so if we put those out of ten, average them out and then assign them a value on the spectrum of one to—”  

—Shikamaru,” Karui, Manako and Temari chorus.

“Stop that!” Ino snaps.  

“—then it would be more accurate,” Sakura finishes.  

“If you’re still able to do math, you’re not drunk enough,” Tenten informs Sakura.  

“You have no idea what I’m capable of when I’m drunk,” Sakura retorts. “And besides—I don’t get drunk.”

“Oh, so that wasn’t you Sasuke was carting home from dinner last weekend, slung over his shoulder and staring at his ass?” Ino challenges. “Hm, must have been some other pink haired lush with a mutant forehead.”  

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