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puffpasstea · 2 years

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Matilda

A/N: Hi and THANK YOU so much for reading. Your messages always make my day/week. So please don't hesitate to reach out. As always, thoughts, comments, feedback, criticism etc. always welcome!

Read chapters 1, 2, 3, and 4.

Chapter 5

Christopher and I went out to dinner, and, Over the following weeks, continued seeing each other casually. We texted daily, went out for drinks a few times, and saw each other on set often. While I liked him a lot, and certainly enjoyed being around him, I didn't want the relationship to get any more serious. Which, for the time being, felt okay. I wasn't sure how long this would last but I tried my best not to think too far into the future.

Not thinking too far ahead seemed like a good plan. Things were looking up for me. I suddenly found myself surrounded by incredibly kind and hardworking people, a caring and attentive man, and the work I did for the film added some exciting work challenges in my professional life as well.

Aside from dodging my parents phone calls and continuing to leave them vague voice messages about not being able to attend family gatherings because "I had to work" and that "maybe I'll make up for it by visiting them sometime soon." Everything else ways going great. And, in my defense, I wasn't exactly lying to my parents. I did have to work. Granted, filming wouldn't fall apart without me, if I went out of town for a few days, but Fran might die of boredom at the college library if I'm not there. Besides, even though they would never openly admitted, I knew that my family was always better off without me. I'd only bring the mood down. They all had different lives and shared interests. They'd try hard to make me feel included and yet completely miss the point. Of course, I'm sure they'd say the opposite. To them, I'll always be too picky and unyielding. In any case, being under the same roof as them always ended badly. It just makes sense to stick around here.

I've hardly seen Harry since all of this. We still worked together occasionally on film stuff. At least whenever a literature question came up. And I still went to his after-work dinners a few times. He always had everyone over for dinner, drinks, and even attempted to host game nights a few times. But, apart from the obligatory "hello," we rarely spoke.

At the end of an uncharacteristically cold night shoot, I went by Christopher's trailer to see if he was ready to go home yet, secretly hoping he had a hoodie or a jacket in his dressing room that I could borrow. I had not anticipated this weather in August. When I got to his trailer, he was standing outside with his cast mates, drinking beers and talking amongst themselves.

"Hi" I tapped him on the shoulder to let him know that I was there, interrupting a conversation he was having with one of the actors.

"Well, hello!" He paused mid-sentence to greet me, smiled, put his arm around me, and went back to his conversation.

I didn't realize that we were in the casual affectionate touch phase in our relationship already. Luckily, he was facing his friend and didn't notice the surprised look on my face. Harry, on the other hand, did.

He immediately looked away as soon as I caught his eyes. He'd changed out of his costume and was in Nike joggers and an over-sized black hoodie, which he wore often whenever he wasn't in front of the camera, a kind of uniform to separate in-character Harry from real Harry. His overgrowing curls, which were drenched in hair product and slicked back whenever he was filming, were now loosely held off his face by small hair clip. His face was read in many place. No doubt a result of scrubbing it raw to get rid of the layers of make up. I'd seen the same on Christopher on more than one occasion. Even in his current state, he made standing around with colleagues drinking beer look beautiful.

"Alright, guys, it's getting late." One member of the cast announced. "I'm outta here." Gradually, everyone began to follow suit, until the only people left were Harry, his female co-star Sienna, Christopher, and I.

"I can't believe we're off for the next 4 days." Sienna announced while rummaging through her bag for her car keys.

Filming was on pause until everything was moved to the "new location" which just meant the college, where my real job is. This also meant that I was also off from my real job while we gave them most of the library to prep for filming in.

"mhm." Harry agreed, peeling the label off of his beer bottle.

"So, what's everyone doing for 4 days?"

There was a moment of silence followed by mutual shrugs.

Harry laughed and asked if we'd like to spend those 4 days at his place. Run lines, hike, and swim in his pool. Everyone agreed to meet there at 5 pm tomorrow.

"Found my keys. Alright, see you guys then!" Sienna waved goodnight and headed for her car.

"You look cold. I'll go get the car." Christopher head rubbing my shoulders, trying to warm me up. My body was cold but the fact that he'd noticed made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.

Harry and I were alone now. He did his best to keep his eyes looking at anything but me. To relieve the awkwardness, I went and stood right next to him. That way, we wouldn't have to be facing each other.

"So, it's been a while, how've you been?" He spoke first.

"Yeah, good. I've been good. You?"

"Same. Good." He nodded contemplatively.

"Haven't seen much of you lately."

"Yeah, well, I've been keeping my distance, cuz you seemed mad at me. Plus, you're with Chris now, so....you're probably too busy to give me private English lessons and all that."

"Mad at you? When was I mad at you?"

"You know, for trying to insist that we talk about-- you know, after the--" He kept letting his sentences trail off.

"Well, I'm not mad at you." I declared, squeezing my legs closer together trying to hold on to any body heat left in me.

Without so much as a glance towards me, Harry promptly took off his hoodie and handed it to me.

"Just take it, Matilda" he rolled his eyes when I attempted to protest. I was glad he couldn't see my smile. He hadn't called me Matilda in a while.

"Anyway, I'm glad you're not mad at me because I've missed hanging out with you. And not just for the English lessons, believe it or not."

" sure, sure." I chuckled.

The hoodie was warm and it smelled like him.

"You'll be there? tomorrow?"

"of course, I mean, you just said you missed me. If I'm not there you'll perish."

"I burn, I pine, I perish."

"Shakespeare." I smiled, amused.

"Wait, you mean that's not just from '10 Things I Hate About You?'" He giggled.

"You are clever, Harry Styles."

"Not just a pretty face, you know..."

"That's right. You're also good for a hoodie."

He laughed fully and warmly.

I spotted Christopher's car making the U-turn towards us, and started to leave. "That's my ride. See you tomorrow?"

"Can't wait."

"Hey darlin', hope I didn't keep you waiting" Chris said as I got into the passenger's seat. "Oh, I see you stole Harry's hoodie off his back." He laughed.

I turned to face the window and inhaled deeply taking in the lingering scent in the hoodie.

#harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #dom!harry #harry styles fluff #harry styles smut #harry's house #matilda

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duckprintspress · 2 years

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Received Asks: How Did You Pick the Name You Create Under and What Influenced that Decision?

A collaboratively written post by multiple members of Duck Prints Press. The input of every individual author has been used and lightly edited with permission and credited in the way they’ve requested.

Two days ago, a member of Duck Prints Press posed the following questions to our blogging team:

Whether you publish under a pen name or your given name, what factored into your decision to use one or the other?

Was personal safety the primary reason behind deciding to use a pen name, or were there other reasons?

If you use your given name, do you feel safe?

What's your advice for [creators] who are thinking about publishing original [work]?

A number of us replied, and we all felt that the compiled responses would make a good post to share, as “whether or not to use a pen name” is a recurring question we often get in-server, and is likely one many of y’all out there thinking of publishing your original work have pondered as well.

Do you publish under a pen name or use your given name, and what factors influenced your decision to use one or the other?

@arialerendeair: I publish under a pseudonym and always will! I decided to go with names that riff off my fanfic name (Aria Lerendeair) - Aria L. Deair (for non-erotica) and Aria D. Leren (for erotica) because I’ve built a community and wanted it to be a bit of an in-joke when they find/buy my content. If someone were to find the story organically - they might get the name reference, they might not. It’s a fun way to create not-separation between the names and have one for the different genres!

B. T. Fish: I (try to) stay anonymous aside from necessary contracts because of personal safety as regards certain family members. I honestly don't worry about strangers knowing who I am, but if I am aiming for anonymity I have to commit.

Annabeth Lynch: I use a pen name, but I plan on taking at least the first name as my legal name when possible. I won't share that or my pen name with my family because 1) they don't know I write, and I'm not content to share that with them at all, and 2) I don't want them to know I'm queer. They likely wouldn't be hellish about it but I would certainly be mocked. Also, now I live in the south and while I live in a liberal section because of the nearby colleges, the place I want to move after my husband's schooling is ~liberal~ in a vague way but definitely not as good as where I am now. It's one reason why I'm hesitant to try and get my books in bookstores that might want in-person events.

Dei Walker: I went with a pen name for the erotica I wrote for DPP (and I'll keep with that), but the first name holds a link with my real name in some ways. My husband's a teacher at a fairly prestigious private school, and there's a degree of "yeah my wife writes smut" that's okay with colleagues but isn't okay if the parents find out about it if they use search engines to learn more about me.

Willa Blythe: I chose to use a pen name. One, my real name is kind of weirdly spelled and I don't actually even use my first name because it is a very popular name from the 80s that my parents left a letter out of... I go by my middle name but I spell it differently than what's on my birth certificate, and I've gone by this name since I was 18. Everyone in my life knows me as (NAME) save my family, and they know I go by that. It's not a nickname, it's my name, and that's fine.

Anonymous: I decided to use a pen name for two reasons: 1) my name is incomprehensible to English speakers - not only is it hard to pronounce, but it also uses special characters; 2) I'm a primary teacher in a small town where gossip goes wild (for example, when I decided to go part-time so I have more time for writing it was going around that I was pregnant ) so I don't want anyone to find out that I'm queer and write queer romance. There are idiots out there who wouldn't want me to teach their kids because of that. I eventually came up with a pen name that is a word play on my legal name so it still feels like me, and the people I want to know would recognize it as me but strangers are unlikely to make the connection.

Nina Waters ( @unforth ): I publish under a pen name because people always mispronounce my last name and my understanding is that it's better to make a pen name people can pronounce. Back when I was still considering trad pub, I was planning to use multiple pen names so I could write across genres. Nina Waters was gonna be spec fic and romance, but I love historical drama type stuff too and like. Those sell better with a male name on them? So I was gonna use either C. P. Houck (so, my actual initials and last name) or Charles (or maybe Chuck) P. Houck, since Charles is a family name (my uncle, my grandfather, and my great grandfather on my dad's side are all Charles's). That all said, when I decided to go the small Press creation route instead, there was basically no way to keep my real name out of things since as the owner I have to put it on all official paperwork, which means it's filed with the government and a matter of public record. Since anyone could access it, there didn't seem to be much point in keeping it a secret/separate.

Was personal safety the primary reason behind deciding to use a pen name? What other reasons influenced your decisions?

(some authors included their answers to this in their replies above)

Nina Waters: Not really, though I did originally concoct the Nina Waters name for a really silly version of personal safety? I was writing a thing based on my unrequited feelings for someone and I obviously couldn't put that under my real name without risking them figuring it out, so I needed a pen name. I never did finish that project lmao and now I would never bother but the pen name stuck.

arialerendeair: Part of [why I use a pen name] is because I was doxxed (and received threats) from a non-writing community almost a decade ago. I’m not afraid of attaching my real name to my works - I’m proud of them! But with the very real possibility of that happening again at some point in the future, I didn’t want to risk it!

Willa Blythe: There was an additional reason that using a pen name was important to me, though. When I wrote fan fiction, I was the victim of a targeted hate campaign aimed at people who wrote fanfiction about a certain character. I wrote fic that I loved and I stayed in my corner, but I got aggressive and hateful messages constantly about not only myself but also my young son, for the crime of choosing to write about a young man of color instead of the overwhelmingly popular white m/m ship in that fandom. It was alarming, especially when people I didn't know sent me messages about my workplace and my movements there. Prior to that, I'd been pretty open online. I'm not now. I take doxxing very seriously. My son's safety, but also my own and my roommate's, are of huge importance. I write about things people don't love: complicated queer relationships, critiques of capitalism and white supremacy, critiques of religion and spiritual practices, etc. I have to do what is necessary to create distance between my real life, my fandom life, and my writing life. That said... I've done more to separate my fandom and writing identities than my real and writing identities, for a variety of reasons. It's complicated, but as much as I love fandom, it does breed a certain kind of entitlement that my personal friends and family just don't have.

If you use your given name, do you feel safe?

@owlishintergalactic: My wife and I had a huge conversation about the implications of me writing under my wallet name. I am quite politically involved in the Early Childhood Education and Early Childhood Special Education sectors in my county and state. This is a sector where being openly LGBTQ can cause problems with a particular subset of parents and voters. Yet, we don't believe we should have to hide who we are and that we are LGBTQ - like many other parents in our state. We decided, in the end, that since I don't write anything more racy than "mature," it makes sense to build my platform using my real name. My writing is a part of me. It is a part of my advocacy. It's my profession. But it is a risk, and it's mitigated some because I live in one of the most open and inclusive communities in the US. For the most part, though, I do almost all of my online work under a variation of Owlish because it creates a layer of protection between me and the internet masses who don't always have the best intentions.

Nina Waters: I. uh. Mostly? I definitely worry about it. I've been thinking about getting a P. O. Box for the business so I at least don't have to use my real address all the time too. I worry that if someone took offense to the kind of work I do, they could go after my children, and that scares the crap out of me. In retrospect I wish I’d worked a little harder to keep my identities separate, but they were already mostly merged by the time I had kids and I’d have had to completely restart with new screen names and everything, so it felt like it was already too late by the time the business became public.

What’s your advice for [creators] who are thinking about publishing original [work]?

Nina Waters: The advice I give to people in the Press is if they're even a LITTLE unsure, they should use a pen name. At any time when they decide they're comfortable they can always switch to using their real name, but once the genie's out of the bottle there's no putting it back.

arialerendeair: There are a great many reasons to choose to use a pseud! For your own personal reasons, for reasons involving your spouse, your family, your activism work, because the internet is a scary place sometimes and many grew up in the web safety diligence era. If you are picking up a pseud for any reason at all - great! They can be fun, they can be punny, (is it a coincidence that D is the middle initial for my pseud that I write erotica under? Nope!) and they can be a chance to reinvent yourself for an audience that doesn’t know you yet. There’s a power in being able to shape a persona - and sometimes it’s fun to grab that and see where it leads!

Do you - yes, you, the person reading this! - use a pen name for publishing your art, fiction, or other types of creations? Have you kept your fandom, creation, and meatspace selves separate? We’d love to hear your answers to the above questions, so feel free to reblog and weigh in!

Have a question? Feel free to drop us an ask any time!

Want to support what we do and get access to extras and behind-the-scenes information? Back us on Patreon or ko-fi!

#duck prints press #original content #writing advice #publishing advice

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taegyuun · 4 years

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biology class

genre: fluff, acquaintances to lovers, highschool au

word count: 2.5k

pairing: jungwon x reader

requested? yes

notes: i hope you like this i really love college/school concepts and i was super excited to write this, also i had to search up topics for biology in highschool so if this seems too easy/hard for a bunch of 16 year olds y’know why. also yes i know in korea they have uniforms but for the sake of this they can wear their own clothes. I've been writing this all day, literally since the second i woke up until now which is 19:05 pm. I'm extremely proud of this so i hope you enjoy! texting is in bold.

yang jungwon.

the campus’ ‘it boy’. everyone knew, loved, hated, or couldn’t decide whether they wanted to be him or with him. people definitely had mixed opinions on him but it was mainly the boys who gave him the glances of evil.

they were jealous.

the kid was known for being easy going, naturally sweet to everyone and academically smart. but one thing that did tick the boys off though, were his talents. sure, there were many boys and girls in school that were nice and pretty and smart but somehow, yang jungwon just had to have it all.

not only could he sing, he could dance too.

not only could he be sweet, he could turn and give the cold glare too.

he was the definition of a perfect boy... and that’s exactly how you got involved with him. let’s just say you were at the brink of being infatuated with him.

but how could you not be? even though you two barely spoke together, when you did - even if it was only about the topic of your class - you felt like he was genuinely interested in what you had to say and it never felt forced. you always felt like he cared; no matter how boring the subject you were talking about was. it had you hooked in a second.

unfortunately, jungwon was popular. infuriatingly popular. and with popularity, the swarm of love letters and beautiful fangirls and fanboys also showed up in the picture. the thoughts of dating him disappeared quicker than you could say, “hello!” to him. it disappointed you, yes. however, who were you to dwell on some highschool boy? sure, he's not exactly the type that you’d quickly forget about the second you graduate but he also never made a real impact on your life other than some minor crush.

well that was up until your biology class.

“y/n and... jungwon.” the sound of mrs. lim’s voice boomed through the filled classroom and knocked you back into reality at the sound of your name. you look up from your hands in confusion and then rendered what she said - you were paired with jungwon for your biology project... that was worth 65% of your grade.

you weren’t exactly worried about getting everything done on time - you knew he would definitely cooperate and do what he was meant to do, but what you were worried about was messing up in front of him. i mean, messing up in front of your crush is the worst second hand embarrassment, no matter how nice they are. you put your thoughts aside and looked around the classroom, trying to find the boy, only to find him already looking at you with a smile and a small wave. you wave back before looking down at your fingers, picking at the skin near your nails. oh boy, you were in for a ride.

as the bell rings, you start to pack your things away, only to be stopped by a finger tapping on your shoulder.

“hey!” you almost feel like you’re in one of the cheesy romcoms, feeling like you had to cover your eyes from how bright his smile was.

“hi jungwon, what’s up?”

“i was wondering how we’re gonna do the project?” you thought about all the possibilities and topics. you could do it at his house, your house, the library and you couldn’t wait to decide on the subject. a small smile appeared on your lips at the thought of working with him.

“uh, what about i’ll give you my number and then we can decide after school?” you words were slightly rushed, as you tried to escape his presence as quickly as possible and get to your next lesson - wanting to hide away from the chilling glares his fangirls were giving you - which you were soon to be late to. he then pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to you before pulling his bag over his shoulder and sending you a pretty smile,

“remember to text me.”

you look at the piece of paper, a few numbers written on it in black ink. you dwell over the thought of having to text him first, but you knew if you didn’t, the project wasn’t going to get done. you thought over it a bit more and realised that your grades were far more important than some stupid crush. you pull out your phone and text a simple,

you: hi it y/n!

you put your phone down, expecting to have to wait a while for a reply and got back to picking at your food with your fork. instead, you're surprised to hear your phone vibrating on the wooden table, a notification with his name already on screen. you place down your utensil and look at the text.

jungwon: hey! so what do u want to do for the project? i think we should decide the topic first before figuring out where we want to do it

you were glad that he was pretty straightforward and didn't beat around the bush, also that he genuinely wanted to get the project done and that it wasn't you doing all the work like the previous times you were partnered up with someone.

you: what do u think about the musculoskeletal system

jungwon: omg i was gonna say lets do smth to do with the skeletal system

jungwon: ok well then the topic is settled where do u wanna do it

you smile brightly at the easy agreement instead of having to scratch at your head for hours to get the other person to agree upon a topic.

you: i mean we can do it at mine if youre ok with that but the library is also an option

jungwon: yours it is then ;)

you look down at your phone in surprise at the “;)”, not expecting him to be so bold.

you: great! tmr after school?

jungwon: cant wait :)

throughout the whole day at school, you kept glancing at the clock, anticipating the final bell to ring so you could meet your project partner at the school entrance and walk home with him. you shake your head at the thought, trying to remind yourself that it was just a project - nothing else. the loud sound of a bell ringing brings you out of your trance, as you excitedly hop out of your seat. “woah, y/n... what's got you in such a good mood? its only lunch, are you that hungry?” you turn around and see jungwon standing with a hand on his bag strap and a few other boys behind him. you lightly laugh and say, “oh I'm just excited to get started on the project... hi guys.” you wave slightly at the boys stood behind him and hear a chorus of “hi y/n!!” following and excited waves.

“ill see you later, alright?” you slightly smile as you start to walk away. your eyes widen at the yelling and hooting behind you as you look over your shoulder and see the rest of the boys shouting and punching jungwon’s arms, one of them yelling out a, “you scored! she's a cute one!”

you smile slightly to yourself and lift your head higher, walking towards the cafeteria.

finally.

the final bell rings and you pack your things into your bag, sighing in delight at the thought of finally being able to leave the building. you walk out the class and instead of being able to walk straight out like usual, you see jungwon standing off to the side and gently waving at you. you raise a brow at him, but continuing to walk over anyway. “what are you doing here? i thought we were meeting at the entrance?”

“i- um, i don't know i thought it be better if i waited for you here, you don't mind right?” he smirks knowingly, already aware of your small crush on him. he didn't find out through you, of course not. you were good at acting neutral around him - not even showing an ounce of adoration. however, one thing you weren't good at hiding, were your thoughts during your sleep. you two shared a free class together, and most of the time you spent it studying or sleeping. you didn't exactly say your thoughts loudly, but jungwon sat close enough to hear some of the things you had to say - him being a common topic of your dreams. he wasn't dumb, he could figure out that you liked him. but he also was a tad stupid - still not acting upon his already existing feelings and asking you out.

thankfully, you being his partner in the project boosted his confidence and had allowed him to create the ‘perfect’ plan of asking him to be your boyfriend.

“i-uh, yeah! i don't mind. shall we go?” you say, slightly flustered. he nods in responses and mulls over what he was going to do. screw it. he grabs your hand and interlaces your fingers together, “so which way to yours?” your eyes widen at his action, looking at him with your mouth dropped open, before getting out a chocked, “uh, t-to the left.”

“lets get going then?” he starts walking and softly smiles down at you. you subconsciously squeeze his hand and smile back, walking hand in hand with him, steps oddly in sync. you hear a “hell yeah jungwon! get it!” and a loud, “ow!” followed after. you turn around and see jay holding his head in pain and sunghoon stood behind him with a smug smile on his face, throwing a thumbs up to both of you. you turn back around and look up at jungwon, seeing his cheeks tinted a light pink and a shy smile residing on his lips. you feel a soft tug at your hand followed by a clearing of his throat.

“come on, lets go.” you follow his step, hands still interlaced as you two walk in a comfortable silence, once in a while telling him which direction to go.

“so what do you think we should start with?” you look up from the ground and see him looking at you, awaiting your response. “oh uhm, i think we should just start with getting all the info into notes and from that start making the project. i think we should leave the creative aspects like making it look nice and what not till the end because that doesn't really impact our grades so it isn't that important.” you feel his thumb rubbing you hand in soft circles and feel yourself getting warmer, completely forgetting his hand holding yours - it just felt so natural. he hums in agreement before speaking up once again.

“I'm honestly so glad i got partnered with you, especially with this being such an important project. every time i had to work with other people who weren't my friends it felt like i either had to do all the work or scratch to the depths of my brain to get them to agree on a topic and on how we should make it work.”

“i totally get that!” your voice slightly raises in happiness at his words, “i feel the exact same way. every time i get partnered with someone, i always have to do all the work and it got so infuriating always having to credit them for something they never did or the bare minimum.” you take out the key from your pocket and twist it into the keyhole, opening the door and hearing the pat of your cats paws coming closer to the door. you both take your shoes off and walk to the kitchen, your cat following behind and waking in between your legs.

“i didn't know you had a cat?” jungwon's voice forces you to look behind and find him to be crouching down and petting howl. “well, mr. yang, there's a lot you don't know about me, he's called howl by the way,”

“like howl from ‘howls moving castle’?” you smile brightly, happy that he got the refence. “yeah! i love that movie, its my comfort film,” you bring two glasses of water with you as you start to walk upstairs, jungwon following your steps. you both get to your room, opening the door wider to let him inside too.

“woah.”

“huh? oh uh, ignore everything - its not the prettiest room,” you say, slightly embarrassed at all the posters and random clutters on your shelves, “no, no! i love it, it reminds me a lot of my own room. its very fitting to you, y/n.” he smiles at you and you simply smile back, handing him the glass of water and hearing a quiet, “thanks,” in response.

“well, should we start?”

“god! finally!” you both groan, falling back onto your soft bed, sighing at the ceiling. you two had been working since the second you got inside your room until the sun had set; your parents even managed to get back from work by the time you were only one third through your note gathering. you spread your arms on the bed, stretching as you did so. your hand then hits something soft and silky. you look to your left and see jungwon smiling brightly as your hand rests on top of is head.

the whole time you two were working on the project, you both subconsciously stayed close to one another, as if you were just drawn to the other with an invisible force. even when you took a food break for 20 minutes and were sat opposite one another, your feet kept kicking the other, smiling and laughing quietly with warm cheeks.

now you laid on your bed, your hand resting on top of his head and staying there with no complaints from the boy.

“i like your outfit,” you observed the comfortable fit he was wearing, oversized black hoodie with some blue text in the corner and loose fitting black trousers. jungwon looks down at what he was wearing before looking back up and smiling, eyes slowly opening and closing, “youre tired, aren't you?” he then opens his mouth, trying to deny your statement but gets cut off by a yawn. he blushes before softly nodding his head and getting more comfortable on your bed, unknowingly bringing you closer to him, eyes already closed.

“take a nap, ill wake you up when it gets late.” he nods once again, barely conscious as he already falls into dreamland, arms wrapped tightly around you. you feel yourself heating up, both from his body heat and at his actions. you try hard as you possibly can to not squeal too loudly as you brush his hair away from his forehead and press a soft kiss in place.

a tiny smile forms on his lips as you get more comfortable and start to drift away yourself. right before being sent away to your dreams, you felt a gentle kiss being pressed to your forehead in return.

he may have not followed his ‘perfect plan’ of becoming your boyfriend but you both got 100% on the project... and a new found love.

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boldlyvoid · 3 years

Text

Amoreena | chapter four

Chapter Four

summary: Heaven is a real place and it's located exactly 14.6 miles away from the FBI, Quantico Headquarters. Off behind a small park, under a fantastical willow tree surrounded by wildflowers, in every colour young minds can imagine.

Don't forget, heaven also comes with angels.

Warnings: fluff, hurt/comfort, depressed spencer, reader has a daughter, falling in love, strangers to lovers, library smut, oral (female receiving) lots and lots of fluff

word count: 3.9k

from the beginning <3

Everyone at work was very understanding. Almost all of them saw it coming, he was taking more sick days than normal and he wasn’t putting up a fight anymore when the 30 days was required to take rolled around. They were profilers after all.

He arrives on Thursday morning to pack his desk. The team is finally home and all together to wish him well on his future journey, giving him hugs and kisses as they each visited his desk.

They had already replaced him, Will LaMontagne was giving the FBI a shot, finally. Spending more time with JJ, the kids were old enough now to accept both of them working. And Kate Callahan was back, now that her baby wasn’t a baby anymore either.

Even Penelope and Derek showed up, bringing a cake that said ‘happy retirement’ written across the frosting. They were happy for him, they shared the same excitement he had. There was a thrill in his eyes again as they asked him about his plans.

“Tell us about this Y/N you met,” Emily cut into the laughter to get to the serious topics.

“I’ve been going to the park a lot recently and I found this little reading nook by a pond. She was there with her daughter and they invited me over to their picnic,” he realized how fake it all sounded as he continued to speak. “Her daughter is wonderful and super smart, I took them to the Smithsonian on Sunday and I’m completely smitten.”

Everyone swooned, happy to see him finally finding someone that makes him gush like this. It had been a very, very long time since Spencer has told any of them about a person, let alone someone he was in love with.

“She is wonderful,” Penelope added, “she makes the best tea and she lives in a literal Disney movie.”

Spencer laughed, “yeah she does. They probably read more books than I have, they make so many references all the time and they even dress up for what they’re reading, it’s amazing.”

They were amazed by how giddy he was, unable to stop smiling at him, “here we dressed up for the museum, I was milo from Atlantis and she was the old man in Tarzan,” he pulled his phone from his pocket to show them the photo.

It was his background now, Y/N sent it to him when he finally went back to his place Monday night, knowing he’d miss them. Not wanting him to be alone.

He was beyond proud to show them the photo, beaming from ear to ear as they all complimented his attire.

“She looks like you,” Kate added, “must be the genius gene,” she added, making awkward eye contact with JJ as they both clocked it.

“She’s exactly like me, that’s why Y/N likes having me around, it’s good for Amoreena to feel normal with the way our brains work,” he spoke about her like she was his own. Forever grateful to have her in his life.

“So when are you proposing?” Matt teased him. Knowing the feeling of love like this all too well with his perfect wife and a handful of children.

“I’m not trying to jinx anything,” Spencer admitted. “I actually have a job interview at the Library she works at later, so I’ll be around here a lot more.”

“He’ll be moved in by the end of the month,” Tara smiled, proud of him and the courage it takes to follow your heart.

“I’m going to miss you guys,” he presses his lips together softly, nodding as he avoids eye contact with them. “But you can call me whenever you need my brain, I guess.”

Hugs were exchanged as Spencer had to leave, Derek even offered to drive him back to his apartment to help with 4 boxes of books from his desk, and to have a bit of a talk like they always do.

“It’s surprisingly easy to be a dad, all you have to do is be there and love them,” Derek shared a tidbit of advice

“She told me she doesn’t mind me being like Amoreena’s dad, but I don’t think I can yet. I want her to decide when she wants me in that role.”

Spencer explains his feelings the easiest to Derek. Like he was already in his mind and knew the thoughts before he said them, Derek was never mad or disappointed in him. He loved him fully, and Spencer loved him right back.

“Like when you chose Gideon?”

Spencer can only nod, it’s still too sad to think about him being gone. “You know what it’s like, you love your father but there are other people in your life who fit the role better.”

“Yeah,” Derek agreed. “You’re going to be great, regardless of the name she uses when she thinks of you.”

“Thank you,” Spencer smiled as they pulled up to his apartment, “you should bring Hank to meet the animals this weekend sometime.”

“He’d love that,” Derek smiled back at him, patting his shoulder lightly. “I’m really proud of you.”

“I wouldn’t have been able to do it if you didn’t first,” he admits. “You’re a strong man who decided to put his happiness first, I can be too.”

“You sure as hell can,” Derek wrapped him up in one last hug before sending him off to live that best life he was talking about.

The only person who didn’t know yet was his mother. He wasn’t sure how to tell her, he knew she’d be proud of him regardless but that anxiety of disappointing her never went away even now that he was 40.

“Spencer!”

“Hey mom,” he smiled when she picked up. “How are you?”

“I’m fantastic, Marge and I are going on a walk later to see some ducks that were born, I really love it here Spencer,” he could hear it in her voice. She was much more joyful when she was surrounded by friends.

“I’m glad to hear it.”

“you sound happy, what’s going on?”

She was his mother, after all, she could know exactly how he’s feeling from just hearing him breathe or being in the same room as him. It was like a superpower, she always knew what was going on.

“I met someone,” he can’t help but smile. “And I quit the FBI to have a family.”

“You’re kidding?” He couldn’t read her tone, not sure if she was surprised or disappointed.

“Her name is Y/N, she has a 7-year-old daughter named Amoreena who is exactly like how I was as a child, you’d really like them,” he explains and he can hear his mother's smile from his end of the phone.

“I would love to meet them, you can bring them to visiting hours next Tuesday?” Diana offered, genuinely happy for him in a way that made his heart burst.

“I’ll see if they’re free and I’ll let you know.”

“I love you, Spencer,” she reminded him. “It’s nice to hear you’re happy, that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”

“I love you too, thank you, mom, for everything.”

She hangs up before they can get too emotional, leaving Spencer inside his sad little apartment all by himself. Taking the opportunity to pack his overnight bag for Y/N and pick out some books from his collection to show Amoreena.

There’s an envelope sticking out of one of his books that manages to catch his attention, taking it out to see his name written on it in Gideon’s handwriting. He almost forgot he had this, how important the words were.

Spencer,

I knew it would be you who came to the cabin to check on me. I’m sorry the explanation couldn’t be better, Spencer. I’m sorry it doesn’t make more sense, but I’ve already told you. I just don’t understand any of it anymore.

I guess I’m just looking for it again, for the belief I had in college, the belief I had when I first met Sara and it all seemed so right.

The belief in happy endings. When you find that, never let it go, Spencer.

Don’t let this job do to you what it did to me, get out and get a life when you can. I have faith in you, till I see you again, take care, son.

Gideon

He walked over to the window then, seeing a beautiful red and brown bird perched on his fire escape. He couldn’t help but smile, “I found my Sara, thank you,” he whispers to the bird who turns its head to the side before flying off.

Gideon always did have the best timing and the best advice.

—

“Y/N, your one o’clock is here to see you,” the receptionist at the Library said over the phone, hanging up and returning her attention to Spencer, “she’ll be with you in a moment.”

“Doctor Reid,” he hears her voice as she rounds the corner, appearing behind a stack of books in the most beautiful blue dress he’s ever seen. “Lovely to see you again.”

“You too,” he smiles.

“Right this way,” she can’t help but smile as she escorts him to her office.

“I don’t normally consider people who don’t send in a resume, but I have a feeling you’re going to be good at this,” she teased him as he sat at her desk.

“Allison is going on maternity leave in a few weeks, so you won’t start until she has the baby. If you’re serious about wanting this position, it’s only Monday through Thursday, 9 to 2:30.”

“You’re not going to ask me anything?”

“I don’t know if you know this, but the literary historian and I get to spend a lot of time together, I’d rather hire someone I know I already like,” she smiled again. “And it would be nice to see you every day without a 7-year-old taking all your attention away from me.”

“You just want to live out the fantasy of kissing someone in the encyclopedia section, don’t you?” He teased her right back, making her blush. “I knew it.”

“Sue me!” She laughed, and he finally understood what tinker bell meant when she said farries are born from the purest laughter.

He was in love with her right then and there, he was sure of it.

It had been under a week and yet as he stared at her, hearing her wonderful laughter and seeing her beautiful smile, knowing she wanted to spend time with him, that she genuinely liked him and none of this was one-sided, it made him fall harder than he thought he could.

“Come on then,” he stands abruptly, taking her hand and pulling her out the door.

She tries to giggle quietly as she follows him all the way back to the quietest section of the library. Most of the books on the shelves didn’t even have bar codes because they haven’t been checked out since the 60’s, no one needs them but they can’t seem to part with them.

She backs up against the shelf and pulls him into her space, he drops her hands and holds her face instead, looking at her beautiful eyes as they sparkled in the fluorescent lighting.

“I was expecting this to be hungrier than this when I imagined it all for all these years,” she whispers, biting her lip to force her smile back.

“You’re just so fucking beautiful,” is all he can say, brushing her cheeks with his thumbs lightly a few times before finally placing his lips against hers, ever so gently.

Her hands stretched around his back, pulling him in closer till their bodies are pressed together and then she’s kissing him deeper. Breathing in through her nose like she’s trying to keep him there forever, her fingernails dig into his shirt and he knows she wants more.

He slid his thigh between hers, opening his mouth to give her all the access she wanted and letting her take control of the speed. She wasn’t kidding when she said she expected it to be hungrier. She was kissing him like it was the first time she has had contact with another human being in years, and it just might have been. She said she was single for a while before Amoreena, probably the whole time since as well.

“Spencer,” she took a moment to gasp for air, breathing against his lips as he did the same. “Can we?”

He kisses along her jaw then, moving towards her ear to whisper, “do what? Use your words.”

“Anything, just touch me please, god it’s been 12 years,” she begged as quietly as possible, tugging at his hair as he nibbled on her earlobe.

He kissed down her neck making his way towards her chest. Holding her by the hips now, she arched her back into the shelf as he kissed all the way to where her dress started to cover her breasts but he didn’t stop. Kissing over her clothes as he dropped down to his knees in front of her.

He undid his tie, slipping it off his neck and handing it to her, “in case you need to scream into something.”

She held it in her hand for a second, registering what he just said and moaning softly in response as she held it closer to her lips, he took that as a yes and slipped under her dress.

She was wearing just a pair of regular cut pink underwear, not expecting this in the slightest when she got ready this morning. He kissed her over top of the fabric, spreading her legs so that he could kiss the insides of her thighs as she tried to desperately grind into his face. grazing his teeth against her skin as she shivers, thighs shaking in anticipation.

He kisses right where her clit should be under the fabric, knowing he’s correct when she whimpers around the tie he handed her. It's muffled and adorable as he kisses her again and again, knowing she wants more and teasing her gently.

He pulls her panties to the side, mesmerized by how perfect she is for only a second before returning to the task at hand. Being the first person to pleasure her in years, wanting her to have the best time possible.

With one hand he holds her panties back, using his other to slowly swipe a single finger through her folds to see just how wet she was. Smirking against her thigh as he’s able to slip right in.

“Please,” he hears her whisper, lifting the dress up so she could look at what he’s doing.

“Such a good girl for me,” he pressed the words against her skin.

He spreads her legs even further, resting one of them on his shoulder as he dives in, sucking her clit into his mouth abruptly as he pumps his single finger in and out. She jerks her hips at the sudden contact, stuffing the tie in her mouth and biting down as she whimpers.

He knows what he’s doing, where all the pleasure spots are and what feels the best on most women. Searching around and trying different tongue movements, memorizing the sounds she makes and attempting to hear them again and again, knowing it means she’s enjoying herself.

That’s all he wanted, to please her. Not even realizing how hard he was as he continues to eat her out furiously in the back corner of the DC Public Library. He forgets they’re even in public entirely as he moans against her clit, sending shockwaves through her body.

She’s quaking then, holding onto the top of his head with one hand as the other grips a shelf. She’s panting into the material of the tie, the hot breath making its way through the fabric and stopping the whorish moans he knew she’d make. It had been too long since someone treated her right.

He added a second finger then, wanting to push her over the edge as he curled them, finding her g spot and caressing it with every thrust of his fingers. She clenched around him then, a high-pitched noise left her mouth as she finished around him.

He couldn’t help but smirk, re-moving his fingers and cleaning them off in his mouth. Releasing them with a pop before dragging his tongue along her one last time. Gathering up everything she released and placing her panties back over her nicely.

He kissed over her underwear one last time before fixing her dress and standing up, “did I manage to fulfill the dream?”

She couldn’t help but laugh, looking like she was coming down from a real high, not just an orgasm. She pulled him in close and held onto him for dear life as she continued to catch her breath, and then her hand started to wander.

“Nope,” Spencer whispered, moving her hand away from his aching cock. “As much as I want to, I’d rather fuck you at home.”

“Home huh?” She teased him, kissing his cheek softly as she pulled back.

"I love you," he whispers against her ear, without a fear in the world that she didn't feel the same way.

"I love you too, Spencer."

They couldn’t stop smiling at each other, it felt surreal to be this happy. He kissed her a few more times, staying hidden in the back corner until the blood in his body let this dick and went back to where it was supposed to be.

She just held him in her arms, leaning back against the shelves as they kissed softly, running her hands through his hair gently, over and over. She whispered a few thank you’s to him, letting him know it was everything she waited for.

It was truly perfect.

—

Amoreena was so happy to see him back at the farm when she got off the bus, she missed him during the few days he wasn’t there.

She asked him to help with her homework, her teacher assigning them an “all about me” project to showcase their growth at the end of the year ceremony. It was almost June, she only had a few weeks left before she was off for the summer and free to show him around the whole kingdom.

Y/N brought out a box of craft supplies and a collection of photos. Showing Spencer every single moment of her and Amoreena’s life.

From her first sonogram to the first bump photo, she had and every maternity shot on the farm you could think of, to the day she was born, her first bath, first steps, chocolate cake shoved on her nose at her first birthday, everything. He felt like he watched her grow up in the blink of an eye, staring at all the photos while Y/N and Amoreena made a plan for her project.

She did look a lot like him, in some instances, she even looked like his mom. There was a look Diana would get when she was intrigued with something, or when she was trying to figure something out. She’d bite her tongue and tilt her head, and it was exactly what Amoreena did.

He never thought he’d see a child-like himself this early, he always expected someone to contact him at 18 and surprise him like Rossi. He really never, ever thought he'd have a child in his life who he was blessed with watching grow up. He never believed someone would have a kid so much like him and allow him to see the world through their eyes. He was amazed by how lucky he got, to be brought into an already happy family that wanted him, they didn’t just need him.

There was no need for a father in Amoreena’s life, she was happily living her life with her grandparents and her mother, explaining to him that she had a bunch of aunts and uncles, plus 15 cousins and they all lived close too. Her life was full of people to love her, and yet she wanted Spencer to love her too.

“Can I put the photo of us at the museum on here too?” She asked Y/N, looking at Spencer to see if he was okay with it too. “I already told my friends that you’re my dad.”

He felt like he couldn’t breathe, he didn’t want to cry in front of her so instead he just stopped all movement inside of his body and held it in. Looking at Y/N who was also a little emotional as Amoreena went back to looking through the photos.

Amoreena didn’t even notice how their expressions changed, she didn’t understand the weight of the words as she said them. She was oblivious to the hole in Spencer’s heart that she was filling with glitter glue, making him feel like he was whole again.

“Yeah,” he finally managed to speak. “I’d love to be on your project.”

“I know you said we don’t need dads but I kinda want one,” Amoreena’s soft expression made his heart melt even more. He was putty in her hands, willing to be whatever she wanted from him as long as he could.

“When did you say that?” Y/N asked softly, confused as to where she was when they had a conversation.

“The other morning at breakfast, um, my father left when I was little. It was just me and my wonderful mother until I was 21, then I found someone to call Dad. His name was Jason Gideon, he was my mentor and he made he feel like I was smart and loved,” he smiled, letting her know he genuinely meant it. “There’s a big difference between being a father and being someone's dad.”

“What’s that?” Amoreena’s innocent mind running wild as she tried to figure out his meaning.

“Anyone can be a father when two adults make a baby,” he said softly, making eye contact with Y/N as she blushed. Knowing where he was going with this. “But dads are special, they’re the people who are supposed to make you feel safe and loved. A person who you can turn to for advice and know he’ll love you no matter what you have to say. Dad’s are supposed to love you forever, regardless of what happens in life. Just like your mom does already.”

Amoreena leaned into his chest, pressing her head against him softly. He wrapped his arms around her gently, giving her the tiniest hug he’s ever given. “I pick you then, you’re the best guy I know and I think that means you’d be a good dad.”

Y/N silently cried, getting up from the table and walking into the kitchen so Amoreena wouldn’t see her sob. Spencer tried to widen his eyes so the tears he was generating would slip back into his tear ducts. Not wanting to cry as she held him.

“I’d love to be your dad,” he whispered, kissing her head softly as she held him tighter. “But first I’ve gotta check on your mom,” he whispered into her hair. Watching her pull away and look for where she was.

“Okay,” Amoreena shrugged, returning to her project as he wandered into the kitchen.

She was leaning against the counter when he walked in, her dress pulled up over her face as she cried into the material. Wiping her face as Spencer walked in and looking at him with the happiest smile.

She was laughing into her tears then, shaking her head as she sobbed, “why am I crying?”

He laughed then too, pulling her into a hug and spinning her around gently as she kept laughing. Her face buried into his neck as she smiled, he set her down gently so he could pull her into a kiss.

Her cheeks were all wet as he held her face, peppering kisses to her lips as they both tried to stop smiling.

“I’m going to miss hearing her call you Spencer,” Y/N whispered.

“Me too,” he giggled again. “But dad does have a good ring to it.”

tag list:

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#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid self insert #spencer reid request #criminal minds smut #criminal minds imagine #amoreena

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differentkettleoffishalltogether · 4 years

Text

I’m On Fire [Chapter 2]

With her sister’s wedding fast approaching and her Mom hounding her about finding a date, Y/N makes a terrible decision that lands her and her least favorite genius in a confusing situation.

Chapter Summary: Y/N and Spencer start to put a plan together.

A/N: I’ve got a head cold at the mo’ but I had to get a covid test just in case so I’m not allowed leave my room till I get the results! So enjoy a bonus chapter while I wallow on my own for like 36 hours :( On a positive note, thank you guys all so much for the response to chapter 1 I really didn’t see that coming! I’ve tagged everyone who asked, let me know if you wanna be added

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem Reader

Category: Fake Dating, Enemies to Lovers, (Eventual) Smut, Fluff, Angst, it’s a Slow Burn Baby

Warnings: Cursing, some NSFW language/themes

Word Count: 6.1k

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Series Masterlist

Masterlist

"Are you coming up or what?"

The question was still ringing in my ears. It caught me completely off guard. 'Up' as in up to Spencer's apartment? Where he lived? I knew he lived somewhere in theory, just like I knew deep down that he wasn't made in a test tube.

Without noticing I've undone my seatbelt and I'm hopping out of the car, following him around to the front door. I guess I am coming up.

Spencer's apartment is more cosy than I thought it was going to be. It's warm and lived in. It's not big, but I think that might be what makes it homely. Something about the way he behaves had me thinking it would be fully decked out in stainless steel or glass or something. But it wasn't pristine, it was messy.

There were books bursting from the shelves that lined the walls of the apartment, along with books laid open over nearly every surface in the place, it looked like he was in the middle of reading all of them, and honestly, I didn't doubt it. Maybe I'd misjudged him. He even had some photos of what looked like his family, and maybe friends, even some of the BAU, lining his walls or propped up on his mantle. He had little trinkets and souvenirs on his shelves too, evidence that he'd been around the country for reasons other than a case. I would never admit it to him but there was a real charm to the place.

Once we got inside he took off his bag and suit jacket, tossing them on the desk just inside of the door. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, and he seemed to pick up on my awkward energy.

"You can make yourself at home" he said, his confident streak remaining. I had no idea what to do with that. What would even make me comfortable in Spencer Reid's apartment? I took a seat on his sofa and just sat with my hands resting in my lap. Really not even sure where I should look without feeling like I was invading his privacy. Even though I wanted to. I think it was morbid curiosity, looking for clues on who this man might actually be outside of the BAU. What I really wanted to do was stand up and walk around, soaking in every bit if this place as if it would help me decipher our messy relationship.

He returned to the living room a few moments later, two mismatched mugs in his hands. He places one in front of me on the coffee table. I pick it up and take a sip. It's lemon and ginger, how did he know what kind of tea I liked? I held the mug in my hands inhaling the steam in an effort to relax. When I look up he's watching me, arms folded across his chest.

"So, how does this thing work. What's the game plan?" I honestly have no real idea. This evening really got away from me, I was still expecting to snap out of it and wake up in my bed at any moment.

"Well I can't say I've ever been in a Sandra Bullock movie before either so this is uncharted territory for me too" I say with a chuckle, trying to ease the tension. Even a little. I can see him crack a small smile but hides it almost instantly, his face hardening again.

"My sister, Margot, she's getting married in like 4 months." I can feel myself tense and I shake out my shoulders, I have to remind myself that he's agreed to this already, "Fuck it, I'm just going to be honest with you. My Mom's mostly freaked out that I'm too attached to this job and that I'll just never find someone again." I shouldn't have said again, fuck. I hope he didn't pick up on that. Who am I kidding. "Even though, I'm not sure I care if I do or don't?" he doesn't say anything, like he's waiting for me to continue. I know I've shared a little too much already but I keep going.

"Margot's 2 years younger than me, I introduced her to her fiancé Philip, we met in college, he's a sweetheart. But since they've gotten engaged Mom's gotten exponentially weirder. I think she's convinced I'm fully going to die alone, as if that would be the worst thing that could ever happen? Anyway, she's been trying to auction me off to all these guys, using this wedding as an excuse. I'm not sure how much of that phone call you actually heard earlier but Mom was trying to sell me on this guy, David, and I just… snapped." I look up at Spencer and he unfolds his arms, leaning in ever so slightly coaxing the story out of me.

"David, he uh, he worked for my father for a while back in high school, filing documents and stuff, busy work mostly. He used to make out with me when he was at our house after school, but then he'd ignore me in the halls the next morning. I know it's because I was a pariah back then or something but I didn't want to think about it today and I just got worked up. I shouldn't have let on that you were my date, I was just going to ask if I could bring Garcia or something, and I'm sorry." I cover my face in my hands, "I'm insane, you can back out if you want to."

I can hear him move from his spot on the opposite side of the sofa, he takes my wrists and gently pulls my hands from my face. He looks into my eyes, "I'm in this now Y/N, what do you need me to do?" he asks, and there's a genuine earnest in his voice that I think I've only ever heard a handful of times. And it's never been directed at me.

"Okay, well we've got a few months before you ha–, wait, fuck!" I throw my head back, there's already a complication, "shit" I curse under my breath. His eyebrows knit together, sitting upright.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I forgot about my Mom's 50th, it's next month. They've got this whole huge party planned back home in upstate New York. I've gotta go and they'll probably want to meet you, or they're gonna have a load of questions for me at least. I can try and get you out of it I'm sure"

He gets that cocky look again, he shakes his head "I don't know, I've always liked a bit of competition" he reclines back into his corner of the sofa, taking a satisfied sip from his own mug before speaking again. "You know, if I've got to learn enough to pass as your boyfriend in a month, surely that means you've got to learn enough to pass as my girlfriend within the month, no?"

Oh god. What have I done, why didn't I think this far ahead. "I mean, yeah I guess you're right." I had to remember he was doing me a favor. I had to get over myself. "Okay, if you're sure you're up for that?" I ask, and he nods, and I think he looks excited, or maybe he just finds the whole situation funny.

"If anyone's up for the competition it's you" he says, and I'm not sure if that's a compliment or a dig but I nod in agreement.

He takes another sip of his tea, collected and relaxed. I can't help but notice how at ease he is when he's in his own surroundings. I'm so used to seeing him sitting at a desk surrounded by paperwork, or combing through file after file in the make-shift office in a small-town police station, usually flustered or anxious, or antagonizing me whenever he wasn’t. This was a different Spencer. Completely in control, at ease.

"Alright, shall we get started then, we can't really afford to waste any time can we?" he was actually sort of right, so I nodded. It was only now occurring to me that I'd have to share parts of my personal life with him if I wanted this plan to work. We already knew the basics about each other, I'd read his file when I started at the BAU, I'd read everyones. And I feel like it was safe to presume he'd done the same.

His eyes bore directly into mine as he leaned forward, I think he was enjoying how uncomfortable I must've looked.

"How about I ask you some rapid-fire questions and you have to answer 'em?" he asks, and it's as good of a plan as any, and I can't think of any other suggestions, so I nod.

"Okay, shoot." I say, unsure and nervous, so I brace myself. I'm just grateful that he's making my life easier rather than harder for what feels like the first time since I met him.

I really should've known better.

He leans in, "So Y/N, first question, when did you lose your virginity?"

I almost choke on the mouthful of tea I just took, that can't be what he just asked, and he looks like he's savoring my shocked expression.

"I uh, I don't think you need to know that?" is all I can get out.

"Really? You think that's something your boyfriend wouldn't know about you?" he's right, but I didn't want to admit it outright.

"I feel like I sort of already hinted. It was that same guy David, I was 18, he was 19. We had sex on the couch while my parents went out one evening. I kept my bra on the whole time, he came, I didn't. It was all very standard stuff." I wasn't sure what compelled me to add that last part. I think I was giving in to the open honestly thing. "So what about you Doc?" I challenged.

He didn't seem embarrassed, or even shy. "I must've bloomed little later than you" he admits with a soft chuckle, "Vivian Stewart, I was 21, she was too. It was the last semester of my last PhD and I figured I must be missing out on something. And I sure was" he smirks to himself. "I came, she did too, 3 times. I did a lot of research ahead of time" he mirrored my story and I rolled my eyes. It was hard not to feel a little impressed but I tried with everything I had to stifle it so he couldn't tell. I wish it didn't make me feel something but it did. I gulp down the mouthful of tea that's been sitting in my throat.

I have to shake myself back to reality. I can't give him the satisfaction of throwing me. "My turn." I command, "When was your last relationship Dr. Reid?" I ask, "I mean like, serious one, not like hook-up" I clarify before he can ask. He thinks on it for a moment.

"I'm not sure what you classify as fully serious, but I guess it was this girl, Rebecca, we dated for a while when I first joined the BAU but it didn't work out. What about you?" he flips it back.

"So that was what, like 6-ish years ago?" I ask, he just nods.

"Mine was like 3 years ago now I think. I met this guy Nathan on my first week of college, we dated for like 4 years. He moved here for me when I got accepted by the BAU." I had to stop myself from delving into the detail. It was a long time ago now but it still hurt. "Long story short, the hours were demanding and they got in the way more than I would've liked. We ended up splitting a couple months after I got the job." I tried to play it off like it wasn't one of the more devastating things to happen in my life. But something told me he’d registered that, so he didn't push.

His energy picks up and he looks at me with a grin, but there's something a little sinister behind it. "I've got a more fun question for you." he leans in closer to me, "Y/N, when was the last time you got laid?" I just looked at him in shock.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, I can go first if you really need me to?" his voice didn't waver,

"Fuck you Reid, I know when it was!" I snapped back at him. I did have to think back a little farther than I'd like to pull up the memory.

"Met this guy in a bar when I was out with Pen one night, we went back to his place and hooked up." I say as deadpan as I can make it.

"Well that's not very exciting is it?" he jokes, "Did you at least cum that time?" I know he's just trying to rile me up, but I answer anyway.

"As a matter of fact I did" I earn back a little of my confidence.

"I'm so happy for you, but you did manage to avoid my initial question" fuck "when was this exciting night of yours Y/N?" he probes, like I really, really wished he wouldn't. I could lie, but I'm sure he'd be able to tell. I cringe before I can say it.

"About 8 months ago" I mutter, just low enough for him to hear.

"Sorry, did you just say 8 months ago?" He nearly shouts in disbelief, he seems to find it funny.

"Hey fuck you Spencer!" I go on the defensive, "When was the last time you even got laid?"

"Like two and half weeks ago" he says, confident, and still laughing, "Wait wait, when was the last time you got yourself off? I know you're not waiting 8 months!" he giggles and I think I could kill him. I know I kept giving him outs but was it too late for me to just get up and leave?

"I'm not doing this with you if you're just gonna make fun of me Reid, I get enough of that at work" I get out, my voice is serious but I'm trying to hide how awkward all of this is making me feel, and I don't know that I'm doing a very good job.

I can tell that's gotten to him, he relaxes and eases up on the giggling. "Look okay wait Y/N. I'll stop, I'm not actually trying to make fun of you. I was being serious, I think stuff like this is important if we're gonna have to be comfortable around each other enough to seem like a real couple. Plus, it'll just help break the ice?" he shrugs. "But you don't have to answer if you don't want to."

I soften, because I agree, even thought I hate that he's right. "Fine" I collect my thoughts, "2 nights ago I'm pretty sure." I regret it almost instantly, but breaking the ice is supposed to feel awkward.

"Same here actually," he chuckles, "what'd you do?" I'm so startled by the question I almost forget how to answer.

"I, uh, my, my vibrator? I just felt like uh, I watched some..." I still can't force out a whole sentence. It's not like I was always awkward about sex or anything, I could talk to Garcia, or honestly probably any of the other team members about it. But with Spencer it didn't feel as comfortable. He still sat calmly, smiling just a little.

"Same here, 2 nights back, but with my hands I guess. I wonder if we were doing it at the same time?" he mutters the last part gently and my head goes a bit fuzzy. My eyes drift away from his face and settle on his hands, the mug he's holding looks so tiny with his fingers wrapped around it, I wondered how they'd look wrapped around my-

"Okay I think that's enough for one night, don't you think?" I jump up off the sofa and turn, mostly so that he doesn't catch the blush thats creeping from my neck up to my cheeks. And because I don't know what I'll say, or regret saying, if this conversations continues on its current trajectory.

"Sure," he says, standing up next to me, and I want to move further away instantly, "you're probably right, and it's getting a little late now anyway" he glances at his watch. Ushering me back towards his front door and opening it up. Before I can walk out he lightly touches my shoulder to turn me back to face him, and I wonder if he can feel the heat radiating from every part of me.

"So are you free next Friday after work?" he asks, and I'm so flustered I almost forget why, I just nod. "Perfect, how about we come here again and we can dive into preparing? You could also make a start on getting these onto a hard drive?" he gestures to the antique looking hardbacks adorning the shelves.

'Sounds great!" I perk up, feigning enthusiasm, "See you then!"

"Well, see you Monday morning actually Y/N" he smirks as I walk out the door. Fuck, he was right.

I really hadn't thought this through.

——

The weekend was a bit of a blur. I decided to try and put some useful information into a document for Spencer. It felt strange to try and condense my life into as few pages as possible. I knew Reid had an eidetic memory, and nothing would necessarily overwhelm him. But I also knew that he was someone that the team relied on to fill in a lot of the gaps in the rest of the our knowledge. So I felt bad about dumping a load of information on him, especially considering it was a favor he was doing for me.

I'd complied the majority of my life into a 15 page document and printed it out. Hopefully that would address most of what my family could guerrilla attack him with. There was also something unsettling about the imbalance. I was going to give him so many of the intricate details of my life in a little file, whereas all I really knew about Spencer was what I'd taken it upon myself to learn about him throughout the past few years.

I'd read all of his work while I was in college, given how he was the gold standard of getting into the BAU at a young age, I wanted to know who this guy was. I think I'd pictured something different. And I couldn't deny there was something enticing about finally getting to know him after all of these years of working together. Maybe this could actually be fun, or interesting at least.

----

I arrived early on Monday morning. I thought I was first into the office as usual but Garcia was sitting in my desk chair waiting for me. The second she saw me walk in she tensed, she must've known we were the only people in this early.

"What happened! You've been avoiding me all weekend?" she asked, and she was right. I'd drafted enough texts to her, trying to explain what the plan was, mostly without wanting to admit that she was right. Maybe I was stubborn.

"Alright okay, I drove Reid home." I admitted, dropping my bag by my desk. She rolls her eyes at me, dramatic as always.

"Well I knew that already Y/N damn! What happened next?"

"Fine, we went into his apartment and talked for a while. Trying to sort out the details, get a handle on things I guess?" I said, unsure of how much I should actually give away about our conversation.

"What things!?" She shouts, standing up from my desk,

"I don't know Pen, like logistics and stuff, I still haven't decided how I feel about that little stunt you pulled on Friday night!" I let my frustration get the better of me, and maybe that's why I haven't talked to her. It could also be because I know she's able to read me like a book and I'm not even sure how I feel about this whole situation.

"I call bullshit." She counters, "I know you were relived as hell when I sorted that whole thing out. You would've had anxiety tummy all weekend if I hadn't called Spencer!" I just go silent, she was right. I'd gotten so caught up in the whole, 'how to have a fake boyfriend' that I'd almost forgotten about how stressed I was about Spencer hearing my call in the first place.

"Okay, shit" I sigh. "Maybe you were right Pen. We're actually meeting up again this Friday after work to make a plan for the next while, so I guess that's progress?" I shrug, trying to play it off like this whole situation doesn't make my stomach flip.

"Ohhhhh! So like a date?" She probes, her enthusiasm rising drastically.

"Oh my God Pen no! Like an appointment at best" I diffuse the situation

"Ugh that's no fun" she says, not even trying to disguise her disappointment.

As if on cue Dr. Reid walks through the double doors into the bullpen. Both Garcia and I wave, overall awkwardly, but making an attempt pretend like things were completely normal and like nothing had changed since the last time we were all in the office together.

Penelope heads to her office as the bullpen starts to fill up quickly. Less than an hour later though Garcia's back at my desk and there's a new case that needs the teams attention in Boston. I follow her into the conference room and wait for the rest of the team to join. Spencer follows a moment later with 2 cups of coffee in his hands. I can see my mug in his hand and my automatic response is that he's messing with me. But he places my mug in front of me in the circular table before taking the seat next to me, listening to Garcia's briefing. I don't know if he's ever sat next to me in this conference room, at least not by choice.

I barely had any time to finish my coffee before I have to say goodbye to Garcia and hop on the jet to Boston.

----

The case was grueling. More so than usual. It was wrapped up late on Thursday night and the team decided to fly back home first thing on Friday morning. I was exhausted. Even if there was enough time to get sleep each night it wasn't like I got any. Whenever a case got on top of me like this it made it hard to rest, or get it off my mind at all until it was wrapped up. So even though it was over, that didn't mean I wasn't exhausted.

Hotch gave the team the rest of the day off, given that we have until submit our paperwork by Monday. I wasn't sure if Spencer's invitation from the following week still stood. I didn't want to ask, partly because I was so tired, but also because I was scared. I wasn't about to show up at his house in an effort to have a heart to heart, or hand him a condensed version of my life story on a manilla envelope if he was as drained as I was.

Standing by my desk I packed up everything I'd need to get my paperwork done over the weekend, I was just about finished when Spencer snuck up behind me, perching himself on the edge of my desk. "So, you almost ready to go?" he asks, like it's the most obvious question in the world. I couldn't really hide my surprise.

"Oh yeah. That's fine, I mean, if you're still cool with that?" I ask, and I hate how flustered I sound, like he makes me nervous.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" He chuckles, standing up straight.

"Cool, gimme a sec and I'll be good to go."

I pack up the rest of my stuff quickly and we make our way out. There's something that feels a little eerie about the two of us being in an elevator together alone again. It was a different kind of awkward to how it felt a week before hand. It almost felt like a kind of tension rather than a hatred or a rivalry. Either way we rode down in silence.

Once we got to the basement Spencer walks out of the elevator and walks straight to my car without having to ask. I unlock it and he hops into the passenger seat. Like this is a natural interaction. Something we do all the time. And I don't hate it as much as I thought I would.

"So," he says, buckling up his seat belt and breaking the silence, "do you know how to get to my place from here or do you need directions again?"

"Well I've got to turn on the engine first" I tease, hoping he picks up on the reference to our last car ride, he chuckles like he does.

"Are you hungry?" he asks

"Starving."

The delivery guy get's to Spencer's apartment at almost the same time we do.

---

Once the food's been demolished the two of us finally sit on his sofa, the same sides as the week before. "So, shall we get back into this?" He asks, sitting forward slightly to pull a notebook out of his satchel on the floor. It's small and lavender, and it's got a pen clipped into the spine. He cracks it open and flips to a specific page.

"Sorry, what's that?" I ask, pointing to the book, he looks confused,

"They're my notes?" he says, like it should be obvious

"Your notes?" I ask,

"My notes on you." he smirks, again like I'm silly for even asking.

He had notes on me? He had a whole notebook on me? What was even in that thing?

"You've got notes on me?" I ask, my hands reaching out to grab it, but he retreats faster than I can catch him. "What have you got in there that's so serious?"

"Nothing." and his tone's a bit too stern and I don't really want to push it when he's being so uncharacteristically nice to me.

"I've actually got this ready for you" I pull the file out of my own bag and toss it to him. "I'm not sure exactly what you need to know but that should be the majority of it at least."

He opens it up and glances over the the pages. It takes him all of 2 minutes to get through the whole thing. It feels unsettling that he's taking in a boiled down version of my life while I'm just sitting on the opposite side of the sofa. Trying to avoid the attention I pipe up.

"Um, hey, maybe it would be a good time for you to show me where to make a start digitizing your books over here?" I stand up and make my way to the shelf. He jumps up off the sofa and walks toward me, visibly excited.

"That's actually a great idea, I thought that the theses from my degrees could be a good place to start, since I'm pretty sure they're not backed up anywhere." he guides me to a section of the book case by the window. There's a series of leather bound hardbacks, the same gold font embossed on the spines. I recognize all of them, pulling out the first one.

"This is my favorite" I say without thinking about it and he does a double take, clearly thrown.

"You've, uh, you read my work?" he asks, completely puzzled. I'm sort of proud that I've managed to make him this awkward, and I nod.

"Mmhm, back before I joined the BAU actually. Before I really knew you" I regret saying the last part, it comes out a little meaner than I really wanted it to so I back track. "Spencer, I read all of your work while I was in college, you were like the gold standard. I don't think I slept more than 2 hours a night throughout my PHD because I was just trying to get as much done as you." and his face softens at the admission. But it takes him a moment before he responds. Leaving the two of us in silence a little too long.

"I had no idea" is all he says.

"I think this one was best" I say propping up the one in my hand, "you get a bit cockier as you move on” His eyebrows shoot up in surprise, "but I'll start with all of these I guess" I grab the matching books and stack them in my arms. Walking over to his desk and setting up. Glancing at the clock it was only 7pm so I decided to just make a start.

Spencer didn't contest. Letting me just get settled at his desk, I pull out my laptop and begin work on transcribing the first volume. After a few minutes he silently places a cup of tea down beside me and goes to sit on the sofa. The time rolls in quickly after that, each time I look up at Spencer he's carefully combing through the file I'd given him. Re-reading it and making little markings in his lavender notebook. I'm not really sure what I put in there that was worth making a note on but clearly he was reading between the lines on some things. That little notebook was like a profile of me.

When he seemed like he'd finished writing he pulls out his phone, scrolling through it aimlessly like I'd never seen him do before. It made him look so normal. His eyebrows knit together as he's looking at something on his screen and he stands up. Making his way over to me at the desk and shows me what he was looking at.

"Who's this?" he asks, "This guy you're with?"

I recognize the photo instantly. It's from a few years earlier, Nathan and I on the beach, my head resting on his chest. He'd taken it while we were on vacation celebrating our anniversary. That was about a month before I got into the BAU, I had no idea that was going to be our last anniversary. I gulp down the emotions that it stirs. I'm mostly over the whole thing by now, but looking at old photos like that, photos of happier times, it can still sting.

"That's uh, the boyfriend I was telling you about last week. Nathan, we broke up not long after I joined the BAU?" he nods, but he's smart, and I kind of figure he already knew that.

"Ah alright" he takes out the hardback and jots another note down. Maybe he's trying to get a read on me.

"What are you doing?" I gesture to the phone,

"It's research, do you not think that if you and I were really dating that stalking your social media profiles would be on my agenda?" he's smug, and he's right. But I guess I just didn't expect it from him.

"Well that's not really fair now is it? I can't reciprocate, you've got no social media presence whatsoever!" he finds that funny, letting out a deep chuckle and tucking his phone away in his back pocket.

"Maybe so, but that imbalance is hardly my fault. Besides, you've read all my dissertations apparently..."

"Bastard" I joke, slamming my laptop shut and throwing a pen from his desk at him so that it lightly bounces off the top of his head.

"Hey, there's no need for violence Y/N!" he rubs the spot beneath his curls, "Maybe it's time you took a break actually?" he says, sitting himself back down on the sofa.

I was reluctant to admit it but he was right. My eyes were starting to go a little fuzzy after looking at the screen for so long. I stand up and stretch my arms out above my head, feeling my spine stretch out after sitting for so long, letting out a low groan. Spencer waves me over to the sofa and I join him.

"How about we go back to basics?" Spencer asks with a small grin, and I can't help but let out a long sigh.

"I thought I was taking a break, no more questions" he just laughs at me,

"Relax, you're not that interesting, it's just a simple question." he states, and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to find it funny or offensive

"Ugh, fine, shoot"

"Well, actually it's two questions" he corrects, "what's your favorite movie, and what's your favorite snack?"

I'm confused mostly by the fact that it actually is a simple question, I was expecting something a lot more contentious, but also because he looks eager to know the answer.

"I'm not really sure what my favorite movie is to be honest, one of them is Night of the Living Dead?"

He nods to himself, and jots it down in the notebook again, "Alright, I can make that work" he stands up off the sofa before turning back to me, "and snack?"

"Peanut butter cups I guess?" I respond and he grins ear to ear, which is a completely new sight, and I like it way more than I thought I would.

"Perfect, gimme 2 minutes!" he leaves the living room and wanders towards the kitchen.

Spencer returns a few minutes later with a DVD, a packet of peanut butter cups , and a thick knitted blanket gathered in his arms. He drapes the blanket over me and gently places the peanut butter cups on top of it before popping the DVD into the player and sitting down beside me. I'm not really sure how to process any of the situation. Am I about to watch a movie on Spencer Reid's sofa? Sitting next to Spencer Reid?

"I... I, uh, thought you were just asking for your notes?" I ask, pointing at the notebook resting in his lap. He picks it up and throws it onto the coffee table.

"Sometimes I find experience is the best teacher, don't you?" he asks before pressing play, “And besides, it should keep you quiet for a whole 96 minutes” of course.

I can only nod in agreement, I'm not really sure what I'll say if I try to speak. I get myself cosy under the warm blanket and we watch the movie in near silence.

Once the credits roll Spencer finally speaks up, "I actually went to see a screening of this last month downtown, there was this little old horror movie fest-" I cut him off without really realizing, I'm just strangely excited that we've genuinely got something in common.

"Holy shit, I was there!" I say, more enthusiastic than the situation calls for.

He laughs at my excitement, "Well, I guess we have more overlap than I thought, that should probably help with the whole charade." he stretches his arms up over his head and let's out a small, gentle yawn. I'd been enjoying myself more than I thought I would, or would ever tell Spencer, that I'd almost forgotten that we'd both been on a case for almost every waking moment of the past week. I really should feel a lot more drained than I do.

I was just after midnight when I suggested that I head back home. I offered to take some of the books home to work on throughout the weekend but Spencer insisted that I just work on them whenever I came over again. I sort of felt like I should thank him for the evening when I was on my way out the door, or give him a quick hug, no that felt wrong. In the end all I could really muster was a lousy, "goodnight" and a meek wave on my way out the door before I drove home. And couldn't get to sleep.

— —

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haveyouseenthisskeleton · 3 years

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(this is a comfort ask because its happening college and is 100% not fun) How would the main skeles and the toriels comfort and help their friend if its several weeks into college and they just feel really lonely because they haven't made any friends still? As its just really hard for them to talk to people they don't know. In the sense they just can't talk to them unless they either know them, or have something in common EX: liking video games

Undertale Sans - Don't worry, your cool pal got this. Who cares about other humans when he can introduce you to some monsters he already knows and share the same interests? That's how you found yourself head in head with Monster (not so) Kid (anymore) talking about your last video game's session.

Undertale Papyrus - He can still coach you ! He's good at that ! He's getting all his friend dates manual out of the hole behind the sink in his kitchen, full of dogs praying another little white dog. You're not sure what is surprising you the most in all this. You can train with Alphys and himself and roleplay ! It's terribly awkward, but it kinda works ?

Undertale Toriel - How about you and her talked this out around some pie? Toriel is a patient listener and she is a very good advice. She might even propose you to go see Papyrus so he can coach you since he is really good at this.

Underswap Sans - The next day, your face is on pieces of papers everywhere on the campus with a "WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE MY FRIEND ? PLEASE CALL" with your phone number. Welp. That's your life now. It's kinda work, everyone knows who you are now.

Underswap Papyrus - "let me introduce you to my lord and savior tumblr". Who needs friends in real life when you can chat with online people all day long when class is boring? Honey is very popular on the site and will literally ask all his followers to come and say hi. You never had so much PM before in your life.

Underfell Sans - "Show them you're stronger! Hit them in the face!" Yeah, no. You're planning to do exactly the contrary of that. Red is not exactly a good advice. He has no idea how you make friends either, it sorts of happen to him by miracle. And anyway, you have him??? Is it not enough or something?

Underfell Papyrus - He has no idea either. Copy him ? He doesn't do anything and it's working. The next day, you embraces the edgy style with black clothes, black make up, spikey collars and all. Edge feels offended the second you try to imitate his voice. He's sulking all day long. Red thinks it's the funniest shit he had seen in his life and that you reminding him of teenage Edge, all "I TOLD YOU THIS IS NOT A PHASE" while crying because he was way too emotive. Edge is even more pissed off now. He takes his cat and goes to scream in a pillow in his room like the edgy dramatic not-so-teenager-anymore he is.

Horrortale Sans - :( He doesn't like to see you like this, and he doesn't have any idea to help you either. So he'll do the only best medicine he knows : a session of cuddle inside his hoodie. You can talk to him, he's listening.

Horrortale Papyrus - Well, first of all, you're not giving up! He taught you better than this! Second, he's going to coach you the best he can, and last, he helps you to open a club. You like video games right? Well if you're opening a video games club, people who likes video games will come! Up to work! He's doing the flyers! He's even going to be your first member. You can't say no.

Horrortale Toriel - Well they don't desserve you. Do you wish her to poison them ? She's good at poisonning people. You are a bit concerned and asked for a hug instead. Thankfully she accepts. Though, the next day, she gives you suspect cookies to give to people who says no to your friendship, while insisting a lot about you to not eat them. You decide to gently discard them in the nearest bin.

Swapfell Sans - Nox didn't take well the fact you are lonely. What a bunch of peasants, not to see your qualities! Darling, if you want to be respected, make them kneel in front of you. You tried being nice, now it's time to be bad to the bone. Luxury cars and suits, diamonds as teeth, personal sniper guard (which is just Rus with sunglasses talking with an british accent), money raining all around you. Well... Everyone is kind of speechless. You are not sure of how you look right now, but at least you're having fun.

Swapfell Papyrus - Aw :( He's going to the closest guy. "you! like video games?" "... Yes?" "good." Then he knocks them out and puts them in his car. See? He's going to lock you up in a room with them until you are friends. You try to explain Rus it's called kidnapping and it's illegal. "it can't be illegal if i can't read the law". You threat to call Nox. He throws the guy away with blue magic and sulks in the car now.

#undertale #underswap #underfell #horrortale #swapfell #undertale ask blog #undertale asks #undertale imagines #undertale headcanons

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taegularities · 3 years

Note

Hi! I’m fairly new here in Tumblr and found “right amount of wrongs” in my timeline. I normally don’t read angst as it gives me anxiety but I wanted to give your story a chance since a lot of the comments commends it. And might I say, that was such a rollercoaster of emotions. Tae in the story was a piece of work and quite frankly my epitome of a manipulative and toxic person. I can’t express how much hurt his character in this story caused me. I really felt the pain of the oc and her dilemma of wanting to hold on to her first love even after all the hurt that he put her through because she still wanted to believe in him. Afterall, they’ve been through a lot and have known each other for so long. As a sucker for happy endings, some part of me wanted for them to end up together but I already knew that they shouldn’t and I guess the ending was bittersweet but realistic. Sorry for rambling, I am just so invested with the story.

Can I ask what happened afterwards? What happens between them after they had their seperate ways? Did oc eventually ended up with hobi or even someone else? What was Tae feeling? Did he kept seeing Jia? Or did he eventually moved on with someone else? Will they eventually meet again? And if so, how will that go? Sorry for all the questions, I know it was an open ending but I am a naturally curious person who has a deep need for closures so I apologize for being so annoying. If you happened to answer it before or do not want to answer at all then I understand. I love your writing style by the way and am planning to read the rest of your stories when I have the time. I hope you are doing well and happy holidays! ☺️

heyyyy !! first of all, thank u so much for giving my fic a chance; it means so so much to me, honestly 🥺 and please do not apologise about rambling. u are not at allll annoying, i absolutely love reading ur feedback and thoughts <3

omg, i hope u like the rest of my stories !! do tell me what u think <3 and don't worry, they're not as bad as raow and barely ever have a sad ending :')

and yes, i can answer ur questions !!

so, the fic was super personal and a few aspects were actually based on real stuff, so i'll tell u what i did or what i expect oc to do after the fic ends:

they graduate and don't stay in touch; as mentioned, both need to heal. she needs to find true love and he needs to find himself. and since this wouldn't be possible if they still talked, they decide not to contact each other anymore. BUT, they do meet a few times in the future, purely by coincidence and catch up a little. no hard feelings, just talking and drinking coffee, sharing thoughts about their lost love and how they did in the time apart

she takes some time for herself and focuses on her studies (college), her friends and finding happiness again. it takes a while, but she stays in touch with hobi who's super patient with her, and eventually they fall in love and get together. they're super happy together too, but at some point they might break up, find someone new again etc etc, just how life is, u know!

tae ends his thing with jia after realising what he's lost and ruined. he sometimes thinks of texting and meeting jia again to fill the hole in his heart, but it won't help him in the long run, so he, too, focuses on his studies and making himself a better person. at some point, he does heal and becomes the best version of himself. he was manipulative, but he was also a stupid teen and not actually a bad person. so things get better for everyone !!

hope this answers ur questions !! if u have more or want to say anything at all, feel free to ask/tell me 🥺 thank u again for reading <33

#feedback: raow #fic: raow #notes for rid 🌹#jemi028

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fly-like-a-phoenix · 3 years

Text

House of Lust (part 6)

Abbé de Coulmier x reader

Summary: Five years has passed since the events of Quills. The Abbé de Coulmier is released of prision by a misterious event. And he will know again those feelings he never thought will meet again: love... and lust.

Warnings: none, the next part will have smut ;)

You both heard the knocks on the door not so early that morning. Must be eight or nine of clock, the birds were singing, and François woke just to see you from the divan.

"Was it the door?" He said.

"I think so." You responded, covering yourself with the sheets from his view. "Must be my sister."

François sat in the divan, waiting for you to open the door. He looked at you, your lines while you walked, how beautiful you hair moved to every step.

He liked you since the time he woked up in that same room, looking at you and the way you were curing his wounds with so much care.

"Good morning, Abbé. Did you sleep well?" Josephine said. "You'll need that energy today. Y/N, you got to get up too. Give this gorgeous man a bath. We have new clothes."

"Why should I bath him? He can do it alone!" You said, a little angry.

"Well, as I see it, we found you touching his naked chest. Are you gonna be so shy now?" Josephine answered in low voice.

"I wasn't touching him, I was just cleaning the blood he had in his skin because of the hitting."

"Whatever you say, but with more reason you'll help him, Y/N. I don't think he can clean himself at all after that beating. After all, aren't you curious about seeing him naked?"

Josephine had a wicked smile in her face. You turn around a little, just to see François walking to you, hate visible in his eyes when he looked at your sister.

He passed you both, and waited for you standing in the last part of the hallway, arms crossed looking at the large room.

"Don't say you're not!" Josephine added. "I'm very curious about seeing what does he hides inside those trousers."

While she walked to him, you asked yourself if she actually was right. Yes, it was true. You wanted to see him fully naked. But sex wasn't the only thing in your mind as in your sisters'.

You accompanied him to the bathroom, your sister handing you a small towel. She winked her eye to you before closing the door.

"I never saw a bathtub before. I mean, I heard about them. But I never had the chance to take a bath in them. Charenton only had public bathrooms." François said, looking at the porcelain container while taking out his shirt.

You turned to see the wall, your heart beating faster while you briefly saw him getting undress with the corner of your eye. When you felt him entering slowly into the bathtub, you approached to him.

"Is it cold?" You asked.

"No, it's nice. Thank you."

"I guess my sisters prepared it with hot watter just for you. Sometimes I bath with cold water. They're... You know..."

François let you clean his back with the sponge. He didn't say nothing, but he knew what you meant. They're bitches, you were about to say. And he believed that.

"How long you were in Charenton?"

"As the director or as an inmate?" He responded with a crocked smile.

"As the director. I already know about the last five years. And I'm sorry about that."

"Don't be sorry. Maybe I deserved it. And I directed the asylum for six years, since I was seventeen, since I left the seminary."

You both chatted more while you help him to bath and clean the mud and some blood that was still in his skin. He had some purple bruises in his back and shoulder, so you had to be careful.

His skin was soft as the porcelain of the bathtub. His body wasn't so muscled or big, but it was strong and attractive. It was so real....

And seeing him so clean, without the dirt and mud, with the towel around his waist when he was finally out of the bathtub, made you escape your breathing.

It wasn't necessary to see him nude just to feel those butterflies in your stomach.

"We gotta go to your bedroom again?" He said.

"I think we have to, yeah." You said, opening the door and going to your room again, followed by him, some drops of water still falling from his body to the ground.

When you arrived, you stopped in front of your bed. François stood next to you, watching the same you were seeing, his hand holding the towel.

"What a fucking asshole." You said, referring to your sister, not knowing if it was Odelle's or Josephine's idea. "I'm sorry." You apologized.

"Don't be sorry. This is stupid."

François approached more to the bed, and took the robes in his hands. It was a priest cassock and a white shirt, just similar to the one he used to wear in Charenton.

"This is a blasphemy. I'm not such a clerical man anymore, but this is an insult. I can't wear this."

"It seems is the only thing you have, unless you want to dress that towel forever. God... I just can't take this! I need to get out of here."

"I hope we both will." Said he, taking out his towel while you turn again to see the wall, not wanting to see him nude, even when you were so needed to do so.

He arranged his hair better, looking at himself at the mirror. You were looking at him too, the Abbé de Coulmier you fell in love with five years ago, in all his glory.

"How do I look?"

"You're..."

The most handsome man I've seen in my life.

"You look very well."

"Thank you. You're beautiful too, even in your pajamas."

You laughed a little by that, your face blushing because of the compliment. He waited for you sitting in the bed while you got dressed behind a little screen.

"Why do you think your sisters choosed me for... Whatever they planned?"

"I don't know. I haven't read the Marquis de Sade stories, never. But maybe he wrote something about a priest based in you that made my sisters obsessed to do whatever he said. They fantasize a lot. And he's kind like a god for them."

François was about to respond when he turned his head a little to see you, finding you naked from the waist to the neck, seeing your beautiful body. You didn't notice this, and he went to see to the front again.

He felt the same butterflies in his stomach that you felt before in the bathroom.

He liked you more and more as the minutes passed by, and he hoped he could keep spending more time by your side, even if the events that we're happening were not enjoyable at all.

The door opened soon, Odelle coming to get you both to the dining room to have breakfast. François will know the other guests, as she called the degenerate rich people that came every year to enjoy the... Event?

"You will said to everyone that asks you that you were invited here and came by your own. Understood, Abbé? You decided you want to be part of our House of Lust and enjoy every carnal impulse. If I or my sister know that you said to one of the other guests that what I just said isn't true, you'll not pass this night. I hope you do what you think is right."

He accepted, and waited for you until you both appeared in the dining room, fake smiles on your faces, saluting everyone with bows.

He only had eyes for you during the breakfast. Wearing a nice red dress, you also were seeing him. His priest robes becomes him well, you said to yourself. And other girls were seeing him too, including both your sisters.

Around sixty people were eating and drinking the breakfast in the large table, sitting in the magnificent chairs, enjoying the bread, the eggs and cheese, the fruits and everything else.

"So you're an Abbé, is it that right, father?" A bearded man sitting next to him asked.

"Yes, monsieur. That's right. I got the title when I was eighteen."

"But don't you have vows of chastity to follow? I mean, I thought you---"

"I decided to... Try another creed... If you know what I mean. I want to feel other things to finally live a little, away from the decision and the path that my parents wanted for me when I entered the seminary. I just want to try new things and maybe see what happens later."

Suddenly it was all silence. His body was hurting a little because of the hitting, but also for lying so much. He was not used to, but Odelle and Josephine loved the little improvisation.

"Well, as you see, my darlings, our Abbé here is a good poet too. He was a good friend of the Marquis de Sade until he died." Your older sister added.

"Wasn't you the man who killed him? I heard it was the director of the asylum." A young woman said.

"No, mademoiselle. It was a college of mine who did it. I worked in there, but I was transferred to another asylum."

The interrogation lasted a few more minutes, until the servants, including Louis and Claude, closed the red curtains, leaving the place darker.

"I think is time to start this day." Odelle said, clapping, making everyone to celebrate a little. The guests went to their rooms, sometimes three or four in one bedroom.

François started to see what was going on, thinking on which perverted things they did in those rooms. But there he was, and he was a part of this, even if he didn't wanted to.

"Now you, my sweet Abbé, will come with me." Odelle said to him while everyone finally left the place.

François shared a look with you a last time while you went to your room alone, getting in there and closing the door with lock. You hoped he went well through it. It was his first day, after all.

When he entered to the red room, candles lighting the place, it felt like being in Hell. Or at least, in the place were the capital sin of lust must be punished... Or delighted.

Tagging: @darknessisafriend @five-miles-over @yukis-writing @thegirlwho @jokerflecker @missrockabilly99 @luperugorria99 @lyoongx @weirdflecksbutok @skaraboo @stardancerluv @sgtsavoytruffle @ohcarlesmycarles @beautifulyoungprospect @sophiefleck @the-queen-of-things @joaqz-phoenix @ajokerfangirl @bailaycantaconmingo

#abbe de coulmier #quills #abbe thirst squad #joaquin phoenix #abbe de coulmier x reader #joaquin phoenix x reader #marquis de sade

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autumn-foxfire · 4 years

Note

(past ask) I'm sleepy, so maybe this hardly makes any sense—.

Hmm, Toga will probably be helped, but I'm really curious about Dabi and Shigaraki too, because even if I think... they're murderers and, realistically speaking, they could face a capital punishment or a life imprisonment. But it's fiction too, even if it follows a similar line to reality, and Shoto, Izuku and Uraraka have been mostly related to these villains, so it makes me extremely curious how will Horikoshi handle that topic.

Ah, villains. I don't like the heroes vs. villains perception but I understand why it's portrayed like that. It just seems more like... villains vs heroism, in a sense. This influences on why I think that the idea of "the villains lost more than the heroes" doesn't make sense— because even if the heroes lose less than villains if it comes to numbers, it is not about who dies or who doesn't— it's about the concept of heroism destroying itself, slowly. At least, from my perspective.

Villains are mostly acting out of the result of what happened before, so it seems weird, right? Like Shigaraki, who has a warped vision of the world because of what happened to him— mostly blaming it on heroism (civilians, too, but heroism is the main problem for him), and while I think that it makes sense in some parts, I don't share his mentality at 100%.

Following that, people actually have a tendency to moralize characters, which makes us end on moral disengagement because... well, by justifying a bad action. It seems to me that we usually loose our moral standards when watching this type of shows so we can enjoy them, but morality makes others accept us, so we may twist the narrative a little.

I think empathy plays a huge part on this. If we show empathy to someone else— especially by identifying with their possible feelings or suffering, we're prone to defend things against them, even when they are in the wrong. In a sense, an attack to that person or character is an attack to our own individuality since there's a part of ourselves in them even if we would never do the same things they did, because we already empathize with that character. Not everyone is like that— some are unable to do this, but I greatly doubt it's a high number because of how much I've seen people justify other's actions in the past, both online, real life and major events that occurred before I was born, hmm.

By this perception of abuse being worse than murder, fans probably tend to fall in comparisons when it comes to LOV's current actions and Endeavor's past actions, actually. And abuse feels more personal than murder.

I personally think that it's okay to enjoy anything in fiction, but we should be more aware of why do we enjoy it and how it's affecting us, because that can make us better—. It is not okay to justify certain things.

Oh, I think Horikoshi only wanted to give us a realistic take on villains, making them seem more human. Also, we can understand better the pain of others like that, even if their actions aren't justifiable. The problem with those narratives is that... with fame, misunderstandings arises. And if something is implicit or too complex, it gets difficult to understand.

Aaah, I don't study psychology completely, I just... entered college xD I tend to say that I'm a Psych major, but not officially? I really like it, so I guess it's about how much I investigate about it and reflect on related topics.

I have no clue how he’s going to handle Dabi and Shigaraki. I know many of the fandom has said they would be disappointed if they ended up jailed for life or died but like, BNHA has already set up it’s precedent with it’s villains, those who break the law are sent to prison and recieve just punishment. And both Shigaraki and Dabi have committed some of the worst crimes you can commit, I can’t see anything but life imprisonment or at least a long imprisonment for them considering what they’ve done.

Plus, it’s not just about these two anymore. They’ve created victims with their actions that also deserve to have their justice. You can’t call for Shigaraki and Dabi to receive justice and then ignore the justice for their own victims, after all.

Villains being against heroism and the hero system, or the resulting attitudes of the hero system does make more sense then being against individual heroes considering that most of the heroes have been genuine people who just want to save people. And even those who don’t still do the job to the standard that is expected of them, risking there lives to save civilians before themselves.

Though I wish the fandom would realise that too instead of lumping the heroes into heroics like they’re not equal victims of a faulty system as the villains can be.

And yeah, empathy and morality does play a huge part in how people defend characters, especially when they start to see the characters as an extension of themselves and so view any negative thing said about the character as an attack on them personally. People need to learn to distinguish between fiction and reality, and also maybe acknowledge that someone criticising a negative trait and you taking offence means you might need to reflect on yourself a little bit too.

I agree that you can enjoy anything in fiction but you should be able to criticise said things too and be careful on seperating what would be ‘acceptable’ in fiction with what would be in reality and learning not to justify harmful things.

(Oooh, do you plan on pursuing psychology or are you going to explore you options? I recommend the second one personally, gives you a chance to see where you passion lies.)

#bnha #bnha manga spoilers #thanks for the ask!!#bu-2-ny

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paradox-psyc-hoe-sis · 4 years

Text

The Strongest Avenger

Carol x fem!reader, avengers x reader (platonic)

Word count: 5.2k

Warnings: so many oh boy. Attempted angst, fluff, insecurity, broken bones, injections + needles, so much gore, organ removal, vomit. If you're sensitive to any gore then please don't read it, I'm sorry oof

A/n: I've never written anything like this before, so feedback is always welcome. Tamika, if you're reading this, I am going to marry Carol Danvers one day. Try and stop me, I dare you. - Aphrodite

"Your turn, Nat!"

You, Carol, Natasha, Wanda and Peter all sat on the floor of your bedroom. Carol had a week free, so she decided to spend that week back on earth with her best friends; she was completing a 6 month long mission and it had been exactly 123 days since you saw her last. Yes, you were counting. Whenever she returns from a mission, you host a girls night (eith the exception of Peter, of course. He looked up to you all so much, you couldn't just not invite him), and tonight you had decided to play a game of 21 dares. It's practically the exact same as 21 questions, but with dares instead. After all, you were avengers, and none of you were scared of a bit of danger.

"Alright, alright." Nat looked deep in thought before her eyes lit up, thinking of the best dare. "Carol. I dare you to make out with the prettiest person in the room." Peter gasped, making everyone laugh, and you met Carol's eyes. She raised and eyebrow, to which you gave a small nod; next thing you knew, she had scooted over to sit next to you, and casually put her lips on yours. You didn't think too much of it; you and Carol were closer than any of the other avengers were, and she probably felt more comfortable kissing you than anyone else. The fact that she had chosen you as the prettiest never even crossed your mind.

You'd had a crush on Carol since the first time you saw her. It was about two years ago; she was moving into the avengers tower, and you had to give her the tour. Her sandy blonde hair fell casually onto her shoulders, and she wore black jeans with a white jumper. You had offered to carry her bags, but that was a mistake - being roughly half a foot shorter and only having 3% of the strength that she has was the fatal flaw. Over those two years, you and Carol grew to be best friends, and your feelings for her slowly faded. What was once a raging fire of passion had fizzled down into a small candle flame, but it shone bright with hope nonetheless. She hadn't changed since you first met her, yet she now sported short hair, rather than her longer curls.

Oh, and now you were kissing her.

Her lips were soft, contradictory to yours which were chapped and rough. You were so focused on her that you didn't hear Wanda trying to get your attention. Carol snaked a hand up to your neck and opened her mouth slightly more, yet you could still feel her smiling into your mouth. Before you could put a hand on her waist, you felt someone flicking your face. Laughing as you pulled away from her, Carol sat back where she originally was, and gave you a wink. Wanda was now knelt next to you, and it became apparent that she was the one who had flicked you.

"Any longer and we would've had to cover Peter's eyes!" Her accent came out thick between a giggle, and you felt a familiar burning in your cheeks.

☆☆☆☆☆

You rolled over in your bed to look at the time; 1:38 am. The game of 21 dares didn't last much longer after your kiss, and you all crashed on your bed. It was the climax of summer, so you wore only underwear and a tank top while you slept. Being sure not to wake anybody up, you climbed off of the bed, internally thanking your past self for choosing to lay on the side closest to the door. Grabbing a pair of pyjama shorts to slip on, you studied everyone's expressions to make sure they were all still asleep, and your eyes lingered on Carol's face for a bit too long. Peter wasn't there, he must've woken up earlier and gone back to his bedroom, you thought. Sighing, you walked out of the door. Even out in the hallway it was blisteringly warm, so you headed to the kitchen to get a bottle of water.

The song Dancing Queen by ABBA has been stuck in your head for weeks, so you quietly sang it to yourself on your way to the living area. Once you got to the kitchen you closed your eyes, still singing, and began dancing in the space that you had. Minutes must have passed before you opened your eyes and saw Steve sat at the dining table. He didn't say anything, but instead took a long sip of the coffee he had. Without even flinching at his sudden appearance, you got your bottle of water, and walked out. As you passed him on the way, you leaned in and whispered in his ear.

"This never happened."

Instead of going back to your room, you headed straight towards the elevator, and made your way to the roof. Stepping out into the warm breeze, you walked closer to the balcony. You noted the clarity of the stars above you yet you saw the sun poking out from above the city skyline, and took a deep breath of the early morning air. Disturbing you from tranquility, the sound of the door behind you opening awoke you from your daze.

"Well, if it isn't my favourite earth human."

You turned and saw Carol stood in the doorway, holding two mugs of cocoa.

"Good morning, space alien. What're you doing up?" She walked over to you and handed you one of the mugs. No whipped cream and extra marshmallows, just how you like it. She knew you so well.

"Couldn't sleep, you?"

Before you answered, you took in her appearance. Her short hair was messy as a result of her slumber, and she rocked a matching set of baby pink pyjamas.

"I guess I could say the same. I've had too much on my mind lately." You took a large gulp of your drink, ignoring the fact that its heat felt like molten lava was being poured down your throat. She hummed in response, looking out to the horizon. She turned to you with a frown, sighed, and then asked you a question. "What do you want to do in the future?" The question took you aback, but you knew what you wanted out of life, and you were comfortable telling her. As you thought of your future, you saw a wedding, maybe children, and a steady career.

"Well, once more heroes rise from the future ashes of the avengers, I want to settle down. Helping the earth, and the universe, is everything to me, so I want to work for as long as I can. It would be brilliant to meet somebody soon..." you took a breath, "and possibly fall in love. I don't know about kids, but having somebody to share my life with means the world to me. What about you?"

She was looking at you with such admiration, and you met her gaze. She smiled and turned back to the view, thinking hard. "I think I want to stay on earth." She put it more bluntly than you've ever heard her speak, and you were surprised with the answer.

"Seriously? You literally have super powers, have travelled to so many galaxies, fought the universes biggest threats, and are practically immortal. And at the end of the day, you really want to stay on this junk yard of a planet?"

She faked an offended look and punched you on the arm. "I have more friends of this junk yard of a planet than I do in the entire galaxy. And it's not every day that you get to spend the rest of your life with a group of misfits like us who only care about protecting people. After things have settled down in this realm, I want to stay here to protect my family." You smiled as she turned her head towards you. "And besides, this junk yard of a planet has a very amazing person on it who I'd never be able to get rid of, no matter where I decide to settle down."

You both laughed, and you finished your cocoa. "I'm going back to bed, I promised Natasha that I'd train with her tomorrow and God knows that I need the energy." You smiled and turned to walk away before she grabbed your wrist. Neither of you said anything, but words weren't needed. She pulled you into a hug in which you happily returned, and she gave you a small kiss on the forehead. You stayed like this for a while before you found your eyelids growing heavy. She let you leave for real, this time, and you fell asleep thinking about her.

☆☆☆☆☆

Two days later, you were sat in the conference room with all of the other avengers. Carol sat across the table from you, and you'd love to just stare at her for the entire meeting, but this was important. Somebody in New York had been committing a series of crimes. At first, it was small stuff like shoplifting or stealing somebody's bag on the street. But the longer they were left unnoticed, the bigger their crimes got. Yesterday, you had recieved information that five people were murdered in an attack in the Wall Street building. The criminal went by the name of Neeko, and he always left a note at the scene of the crime. All but one were addressed to the avengers - the note left at Wall Street was addressed to you, and you only. It soon became clear why; you knew all five people killed. One was a former colleague, another was a childhood friend, two of them went to college with you, and the last was your ex-boyfriend. Of course, you were distraught over all of these people being killed, but your determination to catch the killer overpowered your sadness. Steve was

leading the meeting, creating a plan as you went, and you perked up when you heard your name.

"In his last note, Neeko said that if y/n doesn't meet him in the warehouse on 42nd street tonight at 8pm, he'll be attacking one of the schools within the week." Steve looked directly at you. "There's no way that we can find out what school he could be targeting, so we're going to have to use you as bate?"

You nodded, feeling secure. Your family would never let anything bad happen to you, especially not in the hands of a serial killer.

"Now, I don't want to seem condescending, but are you sure you can do this, y/n?" The question came from Sam, who was sat at the opposite end of the table. You glared at him, confused as to what he was talking about.

"What's that supposed to mean?" You asked calmly, but with a hint of annoyance. They did this to you a lot; you were one of the younger in the group, and you were probably one of the weakest. They'd usually never put you in the centre of a mission, but it was a necessity this time around.

"I'm sure what Sam meant was that five people who are close to your heart have just been murdered." Steve sat in the empty chair next to you. "Are you sure you're stable enough to be put directly into the hands of the person who killed them?"

The wat he phrased it made you furious; they always doubt your abilities, and in this time where protecting your loved ones is more important than ever, they were hesitant to trust you. As soon as he asked you this, you stood up from your chair and stared directly at him.

"Stable? You're asking me if I'm 'stable' enough to be trusted?" You looked around at everybody else. Natasha ducked her head down, Bucky casually shielded his eyes with his hand, Tony gave you a sympathetic look; they all agreed with Steve.

You looked at Carol who gave you a small nod of approval, as if to say 'I wouldn't blame you if you burned down the entire avengers tower just from that remark.' Grabbing your jacket from the back of your chair, you walked out of the conference room. You heard Rhodey calling your name, but you weren't going to go back in there and be treated like a child. You and Carol had arranged to get brunch at 10:30, which was in an hour; you didn't know where you were going, but you were leaving the avengers tower. You needed a break.

Sitting down in a small red booth, you closed your eyes and rubbed your forehead. You went for a walk around the city before going to the diner, and once you were there, you were still far to annoyed to even think about eating. 60s music quietly rumbled from speakers on the walls and the smell of waffles and burgers clouded your thoughts.

"Y/n, are you okay?" You looked up and saw Carol who had just come from the tower. She sat down in the booth and placed her hand on top of yours, stroking the back of yours with her thumb. You sighed before giving her a weak smile.

"They don't think I can do it." You saw her nod, knowing exactly what you were thinking.

"It's not that they don't think you can do it, y/n. They know your abilities and how good you are under pressure, but a few of your friends have just died. They're worried that you might get a bit carried away, or worse."

Before you could reply, Carol got the attention of one of the waitresses and ordered a strawberry and cream waffle for you, and a root beer float for herself. You've both been to this diner so many times together that you each know exactly what you like. As soon as Carol turned back around, you started talking.

"That's the point. They're worried that I can't do my job, when we do this all the time. Every single one of us has been in a situation similar to this; where we've lost someone close to us and have to ignore how we feel, and continue to protect the world. Nobody would dare question Steve or Tony's judgement if they were in my position, so I don't see why they feel the need to question mine."

Carol looked surprised at everything you had just said, and it was clear that she didn't know how to reply. Before she could think of anything to say, you scooted closer to her and wrapped her in a hug. You breathed in the sweet smell of her vanilla perfume and the fresh cotton scent of her tee shirt. She rubbed your back, and you pulled away.

"I have to do this. Not just for myself, or the school kids, or my friends that were killed, but for them. I'm going to smash this mission so hard that they'll never dare question my abilities again." You were both smiling, and Carol gave you a high five.

"That's my girl!"

☆☆☆☆☆

It was nearing 8pm. You, Steve, Bucky, Tony, Natasha and Carol stood outside of the warehouse on 42nd; bringing all of the avengers would seem suspicious, so Steve chose just the right amount of people to protect you and catch Neeko. They were all suited up, except for you. You weren't dressed in your dark purple latex suit, but the skirt and jumper combo that you had worn earlier in the diner. It was your idea; showing up in your suit would alert Neeko and his companions, and make them think that you were planning an attack. Wearing normal clothes would make it seem like you weren't planning anything. When you told Steve, he was impressed that you had come up with the idea, and happily approved. However, you were slightly regretting it now. Being without the suit that Tony had made for you and knowing that you could, possibly, be walking into your place of death gave you a wave of fear, but you brushed it off. You had to prove to the rest of the group that you were more than what they think, or at least you'll die trying.

All of the avengers wore black watches, but when closely inspected, were actually tracking devices. They each had a tiny button on the side that when pressed, would alert every other device of where you were. The button was only to be pressed when you knew you'd be in a certain place for a while, and/or you were in a lot of danger. The button was really only meant to be pressed by you, so the rest of the group knew when to come and get you and where you were. But if another avenger was in trouble and needed backup, they could use it too.

Steve started going over the plan. "As soon as y/n gives us the alert, we head inside. Carol and I will go in from the front and find her, Bucky and Nat will go in from the back to see if there are any hostages or prisoners there, and Tony will fly above the roof and use his scanners to find out how many people inside are working for Neeko."

He gave you a clap on the back. "Are you ready, y/n?" You looked up at him, took a deep breath, and nodded. You were more ready than you'd ever be. You checked the phone in the back of your pocket, which read 7:58pm, it was almost time. Everyone watched as you grabbed Carol's hand, interlaced your fingers, gave it a weak squeeze, and walked straight through the main doors of the warehouse.

Everything smelt damp, and the faint scent of machine oil lingered in the huge hall. You looked around, not seeing a single sign of life in the entire room. You calmly strolled through the warehouse, being sure to stay in the main hall and not get lost in any other rooms.

"Hello? Hellooooo!? Anybody home?" You called into the darkness, hoping somebody would walk out any second. You were about to turn around and make your way back out through the doors before somebody threw a sack over your head. You shouted at whoever was behind you, kicking your legs out in an attempt to knock them over. This failed, and you only aggravated your captor more. They grabbed your shoulders to hold you still, and another pair of hands appeared to tie your wrists together in front of you. The same person who tied your hands also did the same to your ankles, and you felt the familiar pain of rope burn against your wrists and ankles. You continued to shout and scream for help, but the two people who had tied you up had picked you up and carried you away.

When the sack was removed from your head, you were tied to a chair with thick black rope. You looked down at your wrists, and blood dripped down your forearms. Just by looking at your surroundings, you knew you were probably inappropriate storage room; you tried, but failed to reach the button of your tracking device, letting out an angry sigh. The only thing lighting up the room was an old lightbulb above your head, but you could still see what was on the floor surrounding you: bodies. People who you didn't recognize, their organs pooling out of their lacerated stomachs. Their eyes had been gouged out of their faces, and a thick, brown liquid dripped from their mouths. You screamed, not out of fear, but of anger. You shouted until your voice became hoarse and your eyes watered.

Not long afterwards, you heard the locks on the doors being undone. You sat up, preparing for some sort of mob boss to walk in with a set of weapons. Instead, a tall man wearing an apron walked in. He wore a shirt and jeans, a pair of black glasses resting on the bridge of his nose; you would've thought he was a normal person if it wasn't for the heavily blood stained apron he wore. What disgusted you the most was that he looked no older than Tony did. Following him was one of his companions, short and stocky, carrying a sizeable wooden box. Along with them, they brought the scent of blood and rotting bodies.

"It's nice to meet you, y/n." His voice was low and fitting to what you would expect a serial killers voice to be like; thick, eerie, and leaving a sour taste in your mouth. He walked over to you and bent down, examining your face.

"You're a monster."

He chuckled at your stern expression, and didn't reply. You squirmed and wriggled in your seat, desperate to break free and kick him in the balls. Instead of breaking free from the chair, you just caused yourself more pain. Blood continued to slowly drip past your wrists and onto your hands, coating your dainty fingers in pure red. Noticing how desperate you were to get out made him visibly frustrated, so he stood up and gave you a hard punch in the face. This was the hardest you've ever felt somebody punch you, and you've trained with Steve before.

Your ears started ringing and vision went blurry. He had, quite obviously, broken your nose. Blood poured out of your nose like a waterfall, and you could feel a bone sticking out of place. You groaned, sitting up straight in your chair. Although you weren't really listening, he began talking again, pacing around the room.

"I know you and your little group of superheroes have been getting my letters, and I have to say, I'm quite offended," he stopped and looked at you, "you never wrote back. I'm sure your angry, y/n, I really am. After all, I killed some of the people who you trust with your life, and I'm about to do more than just that."

You were confused by what he meant, before his companion handed him a laptop. He placed it on the floor in front of you, and you saw what appeared to be security camera footage of another room in the warehouse. Two people were tied up on chairs just like you, and it took you a moment to recognize who those two people were.

Your parents.

And before you could open you mouth to ask him why your parents were here, another figure appeared on the screen. It was him.

"How are you in two places at once?" You asked, seeming stupid. He laughed again, a low, broad chuckle.

"Oh, you silly girl, I'm not in two places at once. That was recorded half an hour ago." You put two and two together and realised that your parents were here half an hour ago, and the blood on his apron was fresh. You couldn't think of anything to say, so instead, you watched the video. You gasped when Neeko pulled out a knife, and screamed bloody murder when you saw him slit both your mother and your father's throats. You looked away, but he grabbed your head and forced you to see what happened to your parents. With the knife, he cut out their organs and their eyes, being sure to look into the camera every now and again. You were sobbing, your eyes were puffy and red, matching the crimson blood that covered the bottom half of your face.

"That's enough! I can't watch any more!" You screamed up at him, choking on your own sobs. He showed no pity as he flicked his fingers at his companion, who went and collected the wooden box. Neeko opened it in front of you, showing you a syringe full of clear, slightly yellow tinted liquid. Before you could scream for help, he had already put the needle to your neck and injected you with the serum. Your eyelids began to feel too heavy to keep open, and you fell into a deep slumber.

You woke to the sound of knives being sharpened. You were still bound to the chair, but were in a different room. It was much larger, with a few mahogany desks along one of the walls. Instead of paperwork being laid on top of the desk, there was a selection of knives, scissors and other surgical tools. You knew what was about to come, and you were prepared for the worst.

"If you're going to try and kill me then you've picked the wrong fight." Everything hurt as you spoke, but you meant what you said. The avengers would be worried by your lack of alert, and would come and find you. Any minute now, Steve and Carol were bound to break down the door and rescue you.

"Oh, I'm not going to kill you, little girl." You hated him calling you that, you were in your mid early twenties but never treated like it, not even from the avengers.

"No, I'm not going to kill you. But what I am going to do is mess you up so badly that you'll never be able to fight with your precious friends ever again, and you'll live with the knowledge that you weren't strong enough to save your parents, and you weren't strong enough to save yourself." You spat at his face, which only made him laugh even more.

Turning his back to you, he picked up a knife from one of the desks. He walked over to you and sat down on an empty chair that you never even realised was beside you. Your legs were bare under your skirt, showing the most skin than any other part of your body. He placed the blade of the knife on the middle of your thigh and slowly pressed it in. You screamed, pure agony surging through you body. Hearing you scream only made Neeko want to continue, so the more you screamed the deeper her pushed the knife. Only the first half of the blade was inside of you, but you only realised how bad it was when you felt the cold metal hit your bone. He pulled the knife out and basked in the sound of your piercing screams. Just in fucking time, you heard a knock on the door. Who in the living hell would be knocking at the door while this was going on?

Neeko rose and went to answer the door. Only opening it slightly, he peered out at who was there. Then, you heard her voice.

"Pizza delivery, motherfuckers." She sent a photon blast directly to his face, and then another to his companion. She strode in, and as soon as she saw you she went pale. Your entire face, arms, thighs and ankles were drained in your own blood, and you were bound to a chair, panting. She ran over to you and broke the ropes with her own hands, and pressed the alert button on her watch. She knelt beside you, and once you were fully untied, you couldn't help but collapse directly on top of her. Your arms were draped over her back as she picked you up in a fire man's lift, walking out of the door to meet the other avengers.

☆☆☆☆☆

It had been 6 days since the night in the warehouse. After passing out, you were taken back to the tower by Carol, Bucky and Nat, where Bruce managed to identify and heal your injuries, to the best of his ability. Steve and Tony caught Neeko and his accomplices, turning them into S.H.I.E.L.D., their fate was to be decided by Nick Fury. It took you 3 days to wake up from your passing out; whatever they had injected you with keeps you asleep for longer, and they had put far too much in you. Once you had finally awoken, you used the next three days to recover in and out of bed, being forced to do mandatory small exercises to ensure your body was working perfectly. The sixth day was your first day fully out of bed, walking around the avengers tower. You needed crutches, as the wound on your leg wasn't big enough for stitches and had to recover independently. Additionally, you wore a small brace on your nose, so your bone could be shaped back into place. The only people you had seen since waking up were Bruce, Steve, and Peter. Steve had come to tell you everything that happened, and Peter came to see if you were okay. Bruce recommended no visitors until you were able to get out of bed, as it could over stimulate you, but Peter couldn't sleep knowing that you were in pain.

Carol left 3 days ago to return to her mission. She was the only person who you wanted to see; you had been through so much, and nobody could get you thought it better than her. Hobbling into the elevator, you went to the roof. You were wearing a onesie, courtesy of Wanda, and just wanted to be alone on the balcony to see the city like you and Carol had done a week ago. Once the elevator doors opened, you felt the chilly evening breeze hit your skin. Before you could step out of the elevator, you saw somebody stood on the balcony. You didn't recognize them at first, but they knew exactly who you were.

"Well well well, my favourite earth human seems to be doing quite well considering that she almost died last week."

Carol turned around and jokingly winced when she saw the state you were in, and you would've laughed if you weren't in complete shock.

"Carol..."

"Y/n."

"What are you doing? You shouldn't still be on earth." You made your way over to meet her on the balcony.

"I couldn't just leave you in a coma while I fight crime across the galaxy."

You laughed, and grabbed her hand, not a single worry crossing your mind.

"I love you, Carol. I have for ages, but I've never appreciated how much you mean to me until now." She smirked, raising a hand to tuck a stray piece of hair behind your ear.

"I love you too, y/n." You stood on your tip toes to kiss her, and she pulled back immediately when you did. You worried that you had done something wrong.

"It feels better to do this now that we're actually a couple." You both laughed as she leaned back into the kiss, but instead, she accidentally bonked your brace with her nose, which resulted in even more laughing.

You have been waiting so long for this.

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realmeisstuff · 4 years

Text

This is me, but who am I?

For 24 years, I've lived to please others, follow certain standards and meet people's expectations. It made me a very calculated and uptight person. I go by the rules and plan is always a must.

I've listened too much to other people, especially my parents, and now I realize that I haven't really lived for myself. I don't really know who I am.

This pandemic made me reflect on so many things especially to those I've hidden deep within my heart. And today, I wanted to listen to myself and express the things I haven't said before.

Growing up, people tell my mom that I was boyish, and she tried all ways to change me into someone feminine. I don't blame her though, she was just doing what she think is right for me.

During my elementary days, I first had a huge crush on my sister's classmate, and she's a girl, when my mom found out, she told me that it was just an admiration, because she's pretty, and I believed her like I always do.

2 years later, I also had a crush on a boy during third grade, and my mom was so proud of me for finally liking a boy.

During fifth grade, we transferred to the province, and there I met a guy who became my biggest crush in elementary, but I never did anything for him to notice me.

In sixth grade, I met a girl, she was a transfer student from Singapore. At first, she was very shy, but when we finally had a chance to talk, we became close immediately. She's very beautiful, so almost all the guys wanted to date her.

When she became friendly with almost everyone, I started feeling jealous. And maybe that's why I pretended to be my cousin, and texted her as if I was a boy. I also gave her letters using special stationary, until she finally decided that she wanted me to be her boyfriend, but on one condition, I have to see her first.

I panicked, because it meant that I had to tell her the truth. I came up with reasons why I cannot meet her, just to delay cutting the special connection that we had.

One day, she saw the stationary, that I used for her letters, inside my bag, and she confronted me if I was "my cousin". I panicked, and told her that my cousin gave it to me, and asked me to tell her that he will go somewhere far, and that they will never be able to communicate again. She had that knowing look in her eyes, maybe she knew that I was lying, but I didn't know why I did the things I did. Our friendship slowly drifted apart ever since that day, and I know that I was the one to blame.

When I was in highschool, I was so focused in academics, because I have to prove my father wrong. All eyes were on me, and during that time I had to be almost perfect.

Highschool was also the time when I've learned about gender identity crisis, but I didn't question myself despite my doubts, because it was also during highschool when I fell for guys.

College came, and that's when I met Ann, one of the first people I met in the university. She's smart, funny and beautiful, we clicked almost immediately. I was able to tell her my life stories, but one of the first memorable things that happened between us was when she cried when she heard about the struggles I had during highschool, and why I ended taking up nursing despite wanting a different course. I wasn't even crying when I told her, but she did.

One time, I brought her to my boarding house, and we spent hours chatting. I didn't know how we ended up talking about me not experiencing my first kiss, and that's when she asked me if I wanted to practice it with her. It wouldn't be a big deal if it wasn't for my heart beating faster, my mind panicking and weird sensations I felt when she said that. I refused her offer, but I could never forget that day.

It was expected that she would have many friends because of her personality, but I wasn't ready for the jealousy that I felt.I started questioning myself if I was attracted to her. I got so confused that jokingly I asked my older sister for advice, but I didn't know that she would tell mom about it.

My mom asked me about it, and again told me the cons of being different from "normal", she's not angry, but I can see the disappointment in her eyes, and the hope that I wouldn't become like that. And I love her so so much that I couldn't bear breaking her heart because of my selfishness, and for these kind of feelings that might never be reciprocated. And so I stayed away from Ann, without telling her why.

After that, I became "normal" again by being attracted to guys and even having a boyfriend. Any doubts in my mind were easily forgotten because of my college life. Although during one of my drunken moments, I asked my lesbian classmate if I should consider being a lesbian (as if it could be chosen), and she told me, "If you have a choice, don't. It's difficult to live this way." That left a mark.

But then 3rd year came, we were required to open up and dig deep within ourselves for our psych rotation. At first, I already decided on what to share, but of course it would be very limited because I don't like sharing things about me. Before my turn, my gay classmate opened up how he came out to his parents and accepted that he's gay. I didn't know why that gave me courage to speak out about the confusion I have ever since.

I was trembling as I told them my story, and my doubts, and how I can't explore, because I might find the confirmation and that it would break my mother's heart. They we're all shocked, because I never showed anything that would make them doubt my preference, and that's how I realize how good I was at hiding myself.

But then, my prof told me that I should seek and find out who I am, but her next advice hurts me a little bit, she said that if possible, she hope that I would prefer a guy, because it's a shame to waste my genes. And all of my groupmates, agreed.

College became tougher, and I was so focused on my ambition that I've disregarded the need to explore and find what relationship I wanted. It was easier to focus on my career, and relationship became unimportant for me. I would rather be single and stay independent.

Many things happened, and I was considering to stay single for life, because I felt that it was easier. Also, it would give me more chance to give back to my parents and give them the life they wanted for me.

I even learned how to ignore the attraction that I've felt towards my senior nurse, until she resigned, and I wouldn't see her anymore.

I felt that I was already happy just being with my family. But then life started to change, I had to move away from home so that I could be closer to my workplace. My sisters got boyfriends, and this pandemic makes me overthink a lot.

I was scared of dying without giving myself a chance to love, and be loved for who I really am. I was scared to lose the opportunity to face my true self.

Who are you Mei? Would you ever experience real love?

#gender identity crisis #coming out #who am i #lgbtq #confused #first post #Spotify

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