#she owned your ass in the callout post I told you not to make

[frosty-tian]

(Vent replaced.)

[kh4]

why are you on a twitter byf?

hi, youre actually not the first person to tell me this tonight! i Also have no idea why im on a blacklist. i want to clear some stuff up because i was told this three (3) times. i dont exactly like that i have to reply to this publicly because i dont even make personal posts but i think this whole thing is out of hand and has been for a while.

im putting this under a Read More because its long and im finally able to air out some of my feelings about the situation.

TLDR: devin has lurked and kept tabs on me for three years and its exhausting that i have to address it like this of all places. if you need proof or anything feel free to dm me.

this is soooo. okay so i met this person in 2019 from the best of my memory because ive been trying for about an hour to get onto my old blog but i cant remember the login at all, and she and i had done a few dms just about whatever. and then she wanted to make these two kin doubles who hated each other or something be friends again, please note we all shared the same kin, and stirred up some problems.

then, after this happened, her host (or she did? regardless she admitted that she was involved in the creation) had made a callout blog for one of them despite my attempt to steer this off from happening, and i was ignored. i think my last message to her directly, and im not kidding here, was in jan 2020 (three full years ago!).

after this i made the choice, for myself, to soft her on tumblr. i no longer wanted anything to do with the situation, i think kin drama is stupid and im sure it was more personal than kin things from what she had told me, but i had no intention of being involved further. or know any of these people. like at all. after i softed her, she made a post about taking a hiatus after she deleted the callout blog and thats it from what i know about her tumblr because it was deleted soon after iirc.

8 months later she tried to follow my twitter, and i recognized her. i considered it a lottt, but i really didnt want that kind of energy stirring up things again in my life because 2020 was an absolute fucking Disaster of a year enough. so i softed her from my twitter because of this for my own mental health.i havent had a direct message with her since early 2020.

i know nothing about her, her life, anything because i wanted as much distance from that whole situation as possible. i didnt get to know her well enough with her to call her my friend or anything, and everything that happened so soon after we did start talking really made me not feel like i wanted to be friends or get to know her better if this was her vibe. she has made posts about missing me, when i feel as though i never warranted the title of friend at all because she basically just vented to me a couple times before this started and i didnt and still dont have the energy to deal with that kind of person.

i have found out, however, she has fucking LURKED me likely for three years. shes posted about how ensemble stars reminds her of an ex friend (which, she didnt get to know me enough to be my friend, and its pretty obvious this post is about me because my special interest is ensemble stars) and i got into it in mid 2020 so she shouldnt possibly know i ever got into it without lurking me. its some creepy shit ill be honest with you.

she knew and made posts about how my psychotic ass had delusions about being w/ilbur ds-p from nov 2021- mid 2022 because i like. Was in a horrible state and related to how self destructive he was or whatever but i got better and got my life together and dont do that at all anymore. i dropped it and i have most terms blacklisted (and the series itself) because it reminds me of those racist assholes and also of a horrible time in my life im still recovering from.

i have no fucking clue how this could affect her or she would even know. seeing as this was wayyyyy beyond the time i knew her. however this proves she was lurking me to myself and people who know me personally… we're all insanely confused. shes had no reason to keep up with anything about me for three years and im pretty much sick of it haha. ive been quietly freaking out over how scary shes been acting about me and whatever idealized version of what or who i was she had assumed during the very short time i knew her because i didnt want to start anything.

thank you for reading this. i hope this stops soon because i dont want to keep dealing with something thats happened 3 years ago and it happened because i didnt even want to be involved in things. its just unfair and makes me feel insanely uncomfortable im still a hot topic for her even though she hasnt messaged me or anything since following my twitter and being softed. it makes me feel weird and its just weird to me.

[thosetwistedtales]

Tagging: @mrslittletall @chiralcrystallization @team-trash-panda @savage-rhi @chloca-cola @tineidaelux @nemodoren @maskedprepperkid @hereswhatsarasaid

Didn’t wanna hijack Op’s post but I did want the visual to show why I’m kicking the day off with another Higgs analysis and so ^^^^^^^^.

T h i s. It’s fucking SAD and hard to watch from an analytical point of view. Some people really love to joke about Higgs being into having his ass beat by Sam and I just———- ya’ll DIDNT read his journals did you?? Or did you all just collectively forget from a young age Higgs went through daily bouts of physical abuse at the hands of his daddy/uncle as a young boy and well into his teens? How it nearly ended in his death and he had to save himself by killing the only family he had to stop the man from strangling him to death? How it’s highly likely despite people enjoying joking about Higgs’ passive behavior in this scene——- their observations probably couldn’t be farther from the truth.

You have to remember up until he met Amelie and she offered him the power to help accelerate the 6th extinction, Higgs hadn’t been a GOOD guy..... But he’d wanted to help the world keep on keeping on. He’d been helping to keep it alive. He’d been a porter just like Sam. He burnt sooo many bridges in the name of ushering in the final extinction that he’d have had literally nothing and no one to go back to should it fail. And I think Amelie in a sense told him before Sam arrived that it was ALWAYS going to end this way. That he’d ruined his own life to advance her agenda without ever even realizing what her true plan was cause she never told him.... Till the very final hour, where she revealed that he was never the hero of the game. He was the villian. And then stripped him of his power. And told him his final mission was to be defeated.

Higgs’ behavior on the beach is not a portrayal of enjoyment..... It’s the last gasp of a dying man whose spirit has been truly broken (“You can’t break a young boy’s spirit”) and whose body is finally just starting to catch on to that fact. It oozes from every aspect of his fight with Sam. From the lackluster way he ‘hunts’ him down with his rifle. To then dropping the gun and switching to a blade upping Sam’s chances of defeating him significantly under the guise of arrogance. And then finally the fist fight.... If you can even call it that where it’s so clear Higgs is at this point well and truly only putting up a fight as a performance (“What I’m supposed to do.”). You actually listen to some of Higgs’ dialogue in this last stretch of the ‘showdown’ with Sam it’s him grumbling about Sam being an asshole, it’s him brokenly murmuring Amelie’s name, and some cut off points of other assorted dialogue that sounds more like vague questions to nobody for the most part.

But Cas then what’s with him going all feral??? 🙄 Lads.... Higgs only has a chance to bite a damn chunk outta Sam’s ear if you literally just stand there and do nothing. You gotta be losing and doing so on purpose almost to even get the scene so in all likelihood it’s Higgs being Higgs and taking a chance like any survivor would. It’s him trying to get Sam’s head back in the game. It’s Higgs being the nasty and mean mofo he’s always been and leaving a lasting mark on Sam as well as just being bitter and a poor sport about how he’s LOST.

Obviously people are welcome to think whatever they want about Higgs and his motivations in this scene. But this is how I see it. This wasn’t a fight. It was a performance. A game over. The death of Higgs Monaghan. Abuse survivor. Prepper. Porter. Terrorist. Exctinction Herald. God particle. Pawn. Loser.

Edit;; and to make it clear despite the visual this isn’t directed at ANYONE in particular Or anyone at all really. Chiralcrystallization is a friend of mine and they were JOKING. But even if they’d been serious this isn’t meant to be taken as an ARGUMENT or callout. It’s not that serious my dudes so please don’t treat it like it is. It’s just my opinion that’s stemmed from seeing this joke used one too many times for me to not wanna response for it somewhere. That being said people are allowed their headcanons and to view fictional characters and situations anyway they choose and it doesn’t mean they actually condone any of it either. So long as your opinion isn’t hurtful you should never feel badly for having it or voicing it 💜

[beetlemancy]

Anon again: Thank you!! I appreciate you taking the time to answer me because I am kind of active in the community but very very new. I did know your opinions but being new I just wanted to know whether those recent posts held any weight. I want to be socially responsible with my media consumption and I was worried there was something I was missing, given I have seen specific call outs for certain cast members (Travis, Laura, Sam, and Liam) recently. Thanks again!!

Anon pt2: you don’t have to post this but for context the call out posts were as follows: Travis actively supports the military, Laura voiced a black character?, Sam did brown face??, and Liam is fake woke/virtual signaling (or something along those lines). Obviously I can find out information about this for myself but I have seen more anti-CR stuff lately which prompted my ask.

As with everything, I suggest you do your own reading on those topics, and any topic that comes up in regards to the media you watch. Below is simply my opinion. Note: this gets long.

Travis does support the military - but not as an institution. He has family in the military. He supports the soldiers. He works with Operation Supply Drop and I’d encourage you to look into OSD specifically. Whether you agree with the idea that we should even have a military or not, you cannot deny that our veterans and soldiers are given the short end of the stick. We cannot just abandon them because helping them might be viewed as giving money to the military. I have so many military vets in my disability groups. The VA is awful because it has no funding (I know good people who work at the VA too, but they just cannot help everyone like they’d want to). Programs like OSD are genuinely helpful to a lot of hurting folk and the people who shit on Travis and CR for promoting and helping them out have clearly never actually sat down and talked to a vet or a soldier before. 

Laura and many many other voice actors have voiced people of color in various shows. Yes, this is a legit problem. However, obviously as with most things, the problem is nuanced. The fault mainly lies with the VO industry as a whole, in that actors actually have very little control over what they do. There was a whole strike about this very topic (though the strike covered other issues in the industry as well). In the case of Laura, for instance, she was never told what her character would look like until after the fact. And that is super common in the industry. One of the things they tried to get in the strike was more transparency so that actors could make the decisions themselves whether to voice characters or not - not just based on race or culture but also based on type of work (stressful screaming vs chill dialogue) and whether the content of the game itself was something they wanted their name attached to. 

Sam’s blackface scandal is extremely old news. That’s not to say it isn’t important to note, and in fact Sam made a point to note it again back in 2018. I know people who can’t watch CR because of it, even after his apology, and that’s fine because its not my place to judge others for how they react to that kind of thing. However I know a lot of people who read his apology and the circumstances surrounding it and decided to forgive. To some people, the fact that he was asked to do so by will.i.am changes the situation. To others, it doesn’t. To some the fact that he apologized and has clearly worked to improve his behavior matters, to others it doesn’t. You have to decide that for yourself. You can read Sam’s letter HERE. 

Now. Regarding Liam. * sigh * I think, and again this is my opinion, that you cannot proclaim someone you do not know as ‘fake woke.’ I think there are parts of this fandom that have it out for Liam because of a whole bunch of gross reasons, many of which I’ve spoken about before. He is sensitive and a man - that makes people uncomfy. He plays a lot of women characters and tends to embody them in both personality and body language - that makes people uncomfy. He fully embraces the bi energy (this is not to say whether he himself is or not) - that makes a lot of people uncomfy (and angry). He loves theatre and loves to explore the human condition, warts and all - that makes people super uncomfy. Now. There are people who thinks he’s homophobic. Do you know why? Its because his bi character ended up with a woman instead of a man. That is biphobia, no matter how they twist it. Bi people being “allowed” to be bi and not ‘pick the right side’ in the LG (not BT, lets be real) community IS revolutionary because its so very hated. 

Another reason they say he’s homophobic is because of the jokes he is often involved in - some gay men in the fandom believe that joking about sex is him ‘making fun’ of gay relationships. As a bi enby, I disagree, and I read many of the jokes he himself makes as the kind of humor I use among my own friends. I think there is a definite disconnect between bi vs LG humor and I’m not entirely sure who would be considered in the ‘right’ on that. However, when LG people in the fandom claim that he cannot talk about gay relationships because he is cishet? They cannot know that. That is an assumption they are making. When LG fans say that he alone is responsible for this issue and not -literally every single member of CR- ? I have to question whether its really the issue and not just that they still hate Liam for deigning to make a bi character bi instead of gay.

Another thing re: Liam. Aside from Marisha, he is the one I see the most hate about. People on Twitter and Tumblr both have legit uttered death threats about him if he doesn’t do exactly what they want his characters to do in the game. Usually this is about shipping. I have seen people claim that they WISH he was ‘like vic mignogna’ so they’d have a reason to hate him more. I’ve seen a certain group of people and one in particular say they have ‘dirt’ on him but refuse to say what the dirt is - and yet continually bring up that it exists, but that they just cannot say. Why would you incessantly bring up information you possess just to say that you cannot divulge such information? 

Legit issues about CR that is attached to Liam is the whitewashing issue. Some say that only Liam is responsible here because he controls all the art. I would say that we actually don’t know that for sure. He is ‘Art Dad’ and clearly has some pull. I do think that CR should address this issue, but I’m not sure they can legally do what the fandom wants them to do, which is “call-out” artists by name and denounce them. Now, this too is more nuanced than the fandom makes out because its often way more about colorism vs whitewashing. Many people do not draw Beau as white, but they do draw her as much lighter skin tones than her original art. Colorism is a real problem, but white allies tend to go about talking about it wrong or making smaller things a bigger deal when POC would really rather talk about something more important to them. It was these same white allies that tore Mica Burton apart on Twitter because she liked and enjoyed a drawing of Reani, her own character, that was a few shades lighter than the drawing she herself had brought in, even after she had said that she appreciated the variety of skin tones due to seeing herself in each of them. On the topic of whitewashing/colorism in the fandom, I personally tend to wait to hear from POC over the masses of white allies.

The CR fandom is very big for a niche thing like DnD. As such, there are many many corners of the fandom that can get really jaded, really dark, and really up their own ass in regards to the discourse. There are legitimate issues in the fandom and with CR as a whole. Nothing is perfect, nothing ever will be perfect, and people should absolutely do what they can to do better and to ask their media to do better. That being said, there are also people who think that if you don’t do something exactly like they want, then you’re Problematic by default. There are also members of this fandom who have an active vendetta against certain cast members and will use any opportunity to co-opt legit issues in order to shore up their false arguments. These people are only using the real issues and it becomes clear pretty quickly that they don’t actually give a shit about the people they say they are trying to speak up for. 

There is also some fandom drama that has occurred ONLY in fandom and has absolutely nothing to do with CR other than the fact that the people involved happen to be CR fans. Certain people in the fandom think that CR should arbitrate this issue and involve themselves, call out the individuals responsible, etc. This is, I believe, a GROSS misconception of what CR’s role is and asking way too much of a source of entertainment. The fact that CR has not involved themselves in this issue has led certain members of this fandom to claim that CR is homophobic. I would caution that most callouts of CR as homophobic are directly linked to this first issue, and also a callback to the Vaxleth drama from campaign one, and is incontrovertibly tied to bi and enby-phobia and a seriously sick misunderstanding of the responsibilities a show has versus the responsibility individuals have as viewers of said show. 

That’s it for now. I could go way more in depth on this problems, but I’m tired of typing. Suffice it to say, its easy to make a list of things Problematic with CR, but once you actually delve into each topic hopefully you’ll realize how complicated and filled with nuance and Different Opinions going on back from the first episode of Campaign One... Listing problems without actually addressing them head-on isn’t a good way to deal with the problems that are true anyway, let alone tell them from the false ones. 

[savnofilter]

answering all anonymous asks

i have a lot of mixed opinions and stuff so i just compiled them into one post. the public ones i will be posting separately, simply because i feel they are different. all responses are under the cut!

tw: mentions of pedophilia and gore.

i am and thank you!! i havent really eaten since tuesday but ive trying to keep my fluids up. i hope you are doing okay as well, anon!

~ i learned about puberty when i was 6 only because my sisters had already learnt it (ages 8). the educational sites used were always catered to helping the youth learn about periods, puberty, and everything that comes along with it. once i was at age 8, i also had access to the sites as well.

~ the idea of sex was brought around to me around 8. at 9 i had an experience but i will not get into it since it’s still slightly traumatic for me. other than having a negative experience with it, i yet again already had an understanding because of my older sister’s and i’s class experiences to have a grasp of it.

i would also like to add that my parent were never prudes. bringing up this point, disclaimer that they havent done anything weird to me or my sister. once i was 11 (in 6th grade), i was learning about sex and reproduction. my mother has always told me if i had any questions about that type of stuff, that i should never be afraid to ask. 

if she felt anything was too explicit she would tell me that i didnt have to learn about that right now and that when i am older she would be receptive responding. i honestly think the hate stems from the fact that they dont get dicked down well enough from their own bfs that they have to write the pent up frustration on minor characters.

i mean with the cult running around, yes it is. if you are not in a close circle or have an established following, you will have a much harder time getting your stuff out there. its not impossible but it is much definitely more difficult to start up. 

if you need help with getting your work out there i am more than welcome in trying to help you out tho!

THANK. YOU. someone had to fucking say it, couldnt be me since they refuse to listen to me. do you know how predatory in itself trying to control what minors of the same age doing together???? the only time i can see minors getting “arrested” unless it was public indecency. also why are you an adult knowing about 14 y.os getting arrested for sexual intercourse? 🤡

it definitely is safe. the people most active are teenagers so do not feel afraid. if there are any concerns please come to me since i am the original and head of the server.

!!! exactly. her sorry ass callout post about my age and followers LOL. “sorry i have more notes than you” i- i had to laugh. i think its so funny because if this was about followers i wouldve done this earlier, not when i hit 5,000 followers. 

^ this. all it took was a gabby hannah callout post about my age cnckjsvd couldnt be me. these people preach about keeping kids safe, the kids of the fandom speak up about an abuse and toxicity problem and suddenly we’re ruining the fandom? pick one or the other pls. 🤡

i just honestly find it concerning that theyre thirsting over a character thats um.... HALF YOUR AGE. fake or not its weird asf. its really not your place to say people shouldnt be uncomfortable because you write them “aged 18+” and the most you age them up to is 18 and still write them in U.A. i dont really understand why its such a hard concept to understand.

i just think its concerning that the same people who think i have no sexual awareness have no problem writing characters my age and the only version that theyre aged up is in their fics.

theres something wrong in this equation here.... 😗

lmao these adults have no problem giving people trauma. and yes, yes, and yes. we arent saying that there is a problem aging them up, its how you do it. its really the fact that theyre aging them up and having them at the dorms and aizawa is still somehow, their homeroom teacher? please make it make sense.

if youre especially going to age up someone and youre about 22+, your excuse is that, “their fake so it shouldnt be a problem” is predatory in all the wrong kind of ways. 

^ they hate to see it. but once again they did make this an age thing,,, obviously they only learned about sex when they hit 18, and i have hacked the system and infiltrated adult territory. 🤡

right. people are like 16 y.os cant have sex -- no its in place so adults like you dont think you can fuck them any younger. thats all i have to say. but no, im fifteen, i dont have a brain or any sense of the world. no h*rny card for me.

💀 imagine being old enough to understand that stuff can be triggering and no human should even be saying that... getting those shane dawson gore fantasies here.

“no one is mad at you for writing smut. adults are mad because youre writing smut”

your adults arent mentally sound and this is why im making this post. ❤️

lmao i am okay!! ive been having phantom nerve pain where my knuckles are because of that ask though and i had a gore dream. : ) i spoke clearly and properly, when i took them as a joke (yknow being the clowns that they are), they got mad! 1/10, would not recommend a conversation! apparently shes more mature about me but her last post was about riding a teenager’s forehead cnjk vdfd COULD NOT BE ME. she choose to ignore all the other claims and it shows~ 🍵

i dont really mind, ive been wanting to talk about my age on this blog for a really long time since last but sometimes things come sooner than later. even if you dont support my work, i still thank you for supporting me as a person!

RIGHT?! im just really concerned that there are adults who understand that there are moral issues here and some dont. this is why im making a post on a select few and not the whole adult community. thank you for coming to my TED talk. 

LMFAO but they dont see it?! 😂 i think me writing about characters my own age is much better than someone who has 10+ years, or better yet, MORE THAN HALF THEIR AGE writing about them. you had your hormones suppressed, doesnt mean mine should as well. 💓

personally, if i was an adult and i made a callout post on someone’s age, i would put a disclaimer to not bully the minors in question,,, just putting out there. your mature and respectful queen is doing magic. 🥰

^ and let me make it clear, after the point of time i realized that following was 18+ blogs was bad, i stopped following them. and even now im sifting through and unfollowing all of them. yes, i do have a brain at fifteen and can think. i know its a foreign concept for some people. 😳

no no no, its okay! i lied about being an adult so this all my fault. :D just think its concerning someone so easily can say one thing and everyone can follow. real cult behaviour and shes the leader. been thinking about making a mean girls poster and sticking her pfp on regina, but even regina had redemption and realized she had work to do. : ) 

lmao these people have said, “i started reading/writing smut when i was 11-13 but i realized how wrong it was and stopped” so how does it differ from me? you dont magically get good at 18. dont be a hypocrite.

even adults themselves are afraid to speak up. all it took was a shitty post for them to ignore the whole story. these people ignore all the abuse, therapy, toxicity, pedophilia (umbrella term) and everything else that she and her friends are being brought to light about. it shows how much of a blind eye that people have.

this is not a tati situation, i will not go back on my words.

this is understandable. this is even past the age, and this me repeating myself once again. i wasnt even the one who said i was groomed i- its people who were in your, space. think about that.

it really is. and what makes it more concerning that the same people who preach this will talk about how they want to, “beat us the fuck up” or rip our fingers for showing out concern for the vagueness of aged up in fics sometimes.

i even stated that its not everyone who does this but no one will listen.

[lookwhatilost]

i’m going to reheat some ancient tea for the elders here, and i’m not expecting anyone to remember this bc it was 5 years ago at this point and i never rly talk abt it. but this story is fucking wild so i may as well retell it, for the newbies and anyone who may have forgotten. i definitely think it’s peak tumblr insanity even though it was nowhere near as high profile as the bone stealing witch et al. apologies in advance for my recollection of this being an inchoate, stream of consciousness mess.

so. in 2015-ish i was. erm. involved w this girl, and she’d told me that some weirdo ass freak on here had taken some of her pictures and pretended that she was his dead ex-gf (“sam”). so i obviously went to gawk and not only was he face-claiming her, but he also had written her into this elaborate narrative abt a trafficking ring he’d Apparently been in as a child. and that her “sam’s” father was responsible for getting him into this. which was like... obviously a rly fucked up thing to lie abt. so we both bugged him to take the shit abt her down but instead of responding, he jst went on this dumbfuck public tirade abt how it’s fucked up to tell Victims(tm) that they’re faking it

so i dug up all this old shit on him (found him blogging on a MCR fansite in like 2011, when the events of his narrative were allegedly happening) and he had been posting a lot abt his Trauma, but it was abt an abusive psychiatrist and not... like... well... you know. i think the abusive psychiatrist was what actually happened tbh, but she was dead in that narrative too. “sam” died in 2010. “sam” died again in 2014. and every time he made a new profile online, he added more gruesome details to his story until it evolved into... child trafficking torture dungeon (where your abusers respect your pronouns). because that’s definitely a normal thing to make up and pass as something that happened to you. sam also was apparently a real person he knew and wasn’t close to, but her family had to threaten legal action against this guy bc he wouldn’t stop saying weird and crazy shit abt her family.

he’d also done this pictures stealing thing in the past w another dead friend he apparently had (“danny”), and got called on that before. said something that deflected all accountability – “you wouldn’t BELIEVE how traumatized i am and this is something i did to cope” –  i’ve seriously never seen a worse apology in my life. and continued to talk abt the danny thing anyway. 

anyway she ended up filming a video on her own blog jst of her saying “i’m not sam. fuck off” and people dogpiled on him, so he did something rly cool and rational – faked his own death. to the point where even his internet friends were under the impression that he’d actually passed.

he was still alive and jst remade his blog & fb, was still updating on amazon and liking shit on depop. didn’t do much to keep his cover. so i posted the receipts and they spread enough that people who’d talked to him on here were aware of what’d happened. some of his internet friends contacted me and told me that he’d made all these fake profiles and talked to them (& sent them letters? like physical letters?) as if he was “sam” and it was jst... what the fuck.

so the public shaming didn’t rly stop him or anything, and i didn’t rly think abt it much anymore, considering that everyone who defended and enabled him stopped doing that for the most part. though i did occasionally check his socials only to find that he made the trafficking narrative increasingly more graphic (now featuring cannibalism, bestiality, and more preteen pregnancy!) it wasn’t something that rly made sense to continue commenting on bc like... clearly this situation is beyond any delusion of hope.

so why am i talking abt it now?

well, i checked my messages on my other blog yesterday, and got some on the sideblog where’d i’d anonymously published the callout, asking me for any updates and telling me to take the blog down “out of respect”. so i googled his name and his obituary popped up. apparently he killed himself. i think i’m jst going to ignore the messages but. you know. two things

1) this is surreal. i dnt doubt that basing your entire personality on rly fucked up and deranged lies is unsustainable, but i never thought he’d actually go through w something like that

2) i dnt... think he’s deserving of any respect, death or not. there was something very seriously wrong with this guy, and he didn’t care that he was lying to or manipulating people who cared abt him if they gave him sympathy. he didn’t care that his libelous stories used real people’s names, people who threatened him w legal action. i’d never seen anyone w a fake trauma story use that to discredit actual trafficking victims... i dnt think i’ve ever met someone who was such a dyed in the wool piece of shit. and him being deceased doesnt change the way i feel abt it. shrug.

[crayonpac]

Is your callout true? I saw it on my dash

Yes and no.

I was 16 when the callout was written, so, a minor and it was also three goddamn years ago. I was also undiagnosed with a number of things, being heavily physically, emotionally and sexually abused and unmedicated. I've changed now and have gotten help since then, at least I hope I have.

(I'm going to call the OP 'Goku' to hide their identity for their sake, since neither of us want to think about the other anymore.)

I'm at Goku through the infamous vent app when I was 15 or 16 years old. I just got out of a very abusive relationship with my actual abuser (who was a grown woman) and quickly became friends with them through kinnie shit and a mutual liking of Yokai Watch. We were really close and became queerplatonic partners which we probably should have been because they were in their twenties and I was a minor but we became them anyways.

Due to trauma I used to have a problem where I compulsively lie about certain things, because if I didn't lie my mother would beat me occasionally to the point of nearly killing me or just happened on more than one occasion which Goku had heard, amongst other friends that we shared the time. This was also around the time I'm at my abuser, the one I most frequently talked about on here on Twitter and in my abuser tag.

I told Goku whatever went on between my mother and this abuser and I guess I lied here and there that I forgot to keep up with. I also have dissociative identity disorder so between me and my headmates things would often get mixed up. I will admit that I did hurt Goku during the course of our relationship, in ways he didn't deserve and I definitely manipulated him without knowing it.

Eventually we stopped being friends and I couldn't handle it. One of my alters couldn't handle it. We became so disgustingly dependent on Goku that we didn't know what to do and thought we would die without him so I did everything in our power to bring him back into being our friend. This included the comment on the 8tracks playlist where I guilt tripped him, and getting a friend (who ig fucked off tumblr years ago? I don't know where they are) to convince him I was dead.

That was not okay in the slightest. I don't know what compelled us to think that was okay.

That doesn't make stalking people okay though, and after this is posted I'm going back to a hospital to make sure I get better.

I hope if Goku ever does see this he knows I'm sorry for abusing him, genuinely. He didn't deserve that and I should of just let him go.

Now for the lies the blog tells.

I really shouldn't have to say this, but I don't engage in bestiality that was a rumor started by my rapist when he manipulated one of my headmates for our tumblr password and sent random, disgusting messages to certain people. All of which he knew I knew IRL, or were going to move in with me. I've never had sex with my dog. Nor should I have to say that, christ.

About the pedophilia stuff from my old NSFW blog: I was 12-15 when all that was posted! The cookie run stuff on there was photoshopped, and at that time no character ages were confirmed (which doesn't excuse shit) but I thought (because I was groomed from a very young age) that posting nsfw of minors was okay because I was a minor. It's not. The blog's been deleted since I turned 17.

The fanfiction: any fanfiction that was posted to my Archive of Our Own account that involves bestiality are underage was written was underage to being groomed by an older woman. To my knowledge she's in jail now for what you did to me and several other children but that doesn't make what I wrote okay in the slightest. It will be taken down as soon as possible if I can remember the email that was used to create the account.

Sexual Assault: the one asked who spoke about me sexually assaulting them is a liar, and this isn't me trying to clear my ass either. It happened in a hotel room with another person where he forced me have sex with him with and an older woman for money. I was underage while he was not. The woman was much older than the two of us. I'll answer any questions about this off anon because I don't want my followers reading about a child getting raped.

There we have it. My inbox will be open all night.

Edit: Apparently the woman who assaulted me was trans! Sorry!!

[andromedaspace]

so about your lizluvscupcakes callout post; i’m just really confused. I’ve known Liz for a while and I’ve never seen her act like the way you’ve described.

“Often times it felt like she was trying to gain the role of a parental figure” She does act motherly to my friends and i occasionally, but that’s probably because she’s an adult woman interacting with minors.

“speaking to age regressors as though they were regressed when they weren’t” I assume this was a misunderstanding, like accidentally using the wrong pronoun for a genderfluid person. (which still isn’t great!) a simple slip-up, and as long as she acknowledged it if she made someone uncomfortable, then there should be no harm done in the long run.

“She used petnames she wasn’t given permission to use frequently” maybe it’s just me, but i don’t really see the problem with petnames? i understand if you explicitly told her it made you uncomfortable and she continued to do it, but assuming you didn’t she had no way to know her behavior was causing harm.

in the end this whole thing boils down to communication. So far you’ve only mentioned one time when you tried to talk to her about being uncomfortable about something. I have no way to know, outside of asking Liz herself (which i don’t want to do because she’s very upset about this), whether or not you or any of the other people that you’ve claimed were upset actually tried to tell her that her behavior wasn’t okay.

~~~

We’re both minors here, and i understand being uncomfortable around an adult. But you have to make sure that you’ve given them every chance to correct their behavior before you tell all your followers to block someone “for their own safety”Im gonna address this bit by bit, bear with me Im not gonna post the screenshots here, cuz the context involves sensitive info of other people involved, but feel free to dm me for them

“Often times it felt like she was trying to gain the role of a parental figure” She does act motherly to my friends and i occasionally, but that’s probably because she’s an adult woman interacting with minors.

I have several screenshots of her referring to our parents as abusive with no real evidence, if you’d like them

“speaking to age regressors as though they were regressed when they weren’t” I assume this was a misunderstanding, like accidentally using the wrong pronoun for a genderfluid person. (which still isn’t great!) a simple slip-up, and as long as she acknowledged it if she made someone uncomfortable, then there should be no harm done in the long run.

Im honestly pretty sure she treated us like this cuz she liked us better when we were small, and she kind of forced her way into being our caregivers even though literally nobody asked for that

“She used petnames she wasn’t given permission to use frequently” maybe it’s just me, but i don’t really see the problem with petnames? i understand if you explicitly told her it made you uncomfortable and she continued to do it, but assuming you didn’t she had no way to know her behavior was causing harm.

They were listed as a trigger on the server and she continued to use them. She also did this to another friend, continuing even though they were visibly upset

in the end this whole thing boils down to communication. So far you’ve only mentioned one time when you tried to talk to her about being uncomfortable about something. I have no way to know, outside of asking Liz herself (which i don’t want to do because she’s very upset about this), whether or not you or any of the other people that you’ve claimed were upset actually tried to tell her that her behavior wasn’t okay.

Liz is a whole ass adult who needs to learn that her actions have consequences. I gave her an opportunity to apologize and change today, and she responding in a condescending and demeaning manner. You do have a point, my friends and i did take far too long to speak up about this, but a few people did, and she responded in the same manner, and nothing changed.

We’re both minors here, and i understand being uncomfortable around an adult. But you have to make sure that you’ve given them every chance to correct their behavior before you tell all your followers to block someone “for their own safety” She had her chances. And for the record, i dont have that many followers, and i didnt say that anyone had to block her. Mostly, i was just trying to provide some reassurance to anyone who’s had similar experiences.

[calleo-bricriu]

So, this is some absolute horse shit I thought I'd left in 2018.

You see, these two (justasimplesecretary/fear-in-psychology and wewhoareflawed) were part of a small group, with A being someone I'm 99% sure has an OC whose first name starts with the same letter, who decided they didn't care for a Grindelwald player who went by Miss T.

I have no dog in this race, I've only spoken to Miss T on a couple of occasions and had one short thread. I do, however, have almost 30 years of group RP experience one way or another under my belt and have absolutely no tolerance for people who act like this toward a player they just happen to personally dislike, nor do I think they ought to be allowed their feeling of safety in being anonymous; people like this bank on the fact that nobody wants to “start drama” so they never get called to task in public for their poor public behavior.

Fortunately for me, I realized long ago that that attitude means they just know they can keep getting away with it

But from what I was able to find out from the involved parties they decided they disliked Miss T for reasons along the lines of:

- Refused to let their character Godmode/be more skilled than Grindelwald.

- Refused to ship with their character.

- Got tired of plots where their character always had to be the center of attention or I'd pitch an OOC fit until they relented.

And Miss T eventually got sick of it and cut them off, which is entirely fair.

And they made a "burn blog" which is still up here https://only-good-somethymes.tumblr.com/ Since I don’t trust them not to delete it (they’ve renamed it at least once), the most recent post on that blog was one I’d written specifically after one of that blog’s owners demanded to know what ‘good callout’ vs. a ‘bad callout’ was: https://shark-eat-you-for-lunch.com/post/177429861259/hey-lets-talk-about-callout-posts#_=_ There’s very little reason for me to post the IM logs in which they’re both all giggly about their involvement in this until they realized I wasn’t laughing with them but, I do have those transcripts.

They also started going around sending anonymous messages to people who wrote with Miss T or who followed Miss T saying things like, "You know Miss T is into clopping right?" in some bizarre effort to discredit or embarrass Miss T.

Eventually Miss T deleted one blog and disappeared from Tumblr for awhile because of the harassment; I think they were back for awhile over the winter, but I forget the URL they had

I found out about it because two of the people involved somehow thought I'd find it hilarious; one hinted that she knew who was behind it and the other eventually told me and both were somehow blindsided by the fact that I read them the fucking riot act for their behavior.

But, silly me, I accepted their apology, their "it won't happen again" and what do I see on my dash this afternoon?

The same three bratty children still making the same jokes and behaving in the same way.

I don't know how any of them could still think this kind of thing is okay or makes them look good, and you can best believe I've filled in people I know are mutuals to warn them about the kind of behavior these people have no problem dishing out toward players they decide they don’t like, because they've proven they'll turn on you if you do something they don't like and have also proven that they may also just try to start a targeted campaign of harassment.

Make no mistake, almost 30 years of dealing with group RP that has included people like this has taught me that they will absolutely be nice to your face until you do something they don’t like, at which point their “friendship” will seem to cool and you’ll eventually find out they’re shit talking you to their newest group of friends. That’s a standard MO with roleplayers who think it’s funny to harass or make fun of other roleplayers they don’t like for whatever reason.

If you ever wonder why some people seem to have entirely new friend groups every 6 months while their old group is still active, it’s usually because they behave like this and eventually get asked to leave.

What those who are mutuals with myself and these two choose to do is ultimately up to them, and I’m certainly not going to tell anyone who they can and can’t roleplay with, but I have exactly zero problems in letting people I consider friends know the kind of behavior I experienced when those people were in my RP circles.

People who want to play with matches better be prepared to have a Fandom Old come in carrying napalm until you sit your asses down and either stick to your own private circles or learn to behave like proper adults.

I do not apologize for any part of what I’ve just said; the three of you have proven over and over again that you’re genuinely catty, two faced, nasty little people and I won’t even say I expected that from people who were 16 and 18 at the time, because I know several people in that age range who would look at this and be just as pissed off that someone would think your behavior is acceptable.

And, frankly, I hope Miss T is still around and writing Grindelwald, because their interpretation was great to read outside the threads that felt forced when you brats wanted all parts of the plot to be all about your characters.

I vaguely remember a name they had about two years ago but can’t find it anymore, and I really hope catty little brats like the above didn’t drive them off from writing entirely.

P.S. Pointing out someone’s objectively terrible behavior is not a “hate post” nor is it “starting drama”. If those three didn’t want drama they would have just taken the L and moved on when they had their falling out with Miss T.

[shattered-catalyst]

So this  isnt for anything other than just to say what happened just so I feel heard and I can explain why I cant be as energetic and socially active on here. Its not a callout post or to be reblogged/shared by people. Its not to get anyone in trouble or to cause any reaction. It’s just for me to let it out and reclaim this space again. Its been a year since it happened and I guess I’m just still noticing how badly it has impacted my PTSD. How much its changed me as a person both online and off, and this isnt a woe as me thing either this is just me feeling a need to be heard and explain my own behavior over the year and also to make one simple request of you guys: no matter what you do, always treat your rp partners as people first and writers second.

Because I feel myself becoming bitter and that isnt who I am and I dont want to be someone like that. Or like this. I want to be me again

The person who did this wont be named mainly because they dont deserve it and yall dont need to know. Their behavior when I confronted them more than cements the impression that they dont see any harm in what they said and how they reacted. And again this isnt about them though In A Way I suppose it is? it takes two to tango but it takes one to encourage someone to kill themselves.

This is going to be long because I need to inform on the activity that lead up to this  because it didnt just happen over night- though in a way it did. But you need a better picture of this person because apparently they present a really great face that only a few of us see the manipulative and toxic side of.

This person was always very judgemental and hyper critical. I witnessed a lot of very negative and toxic behavior from them but I was naive and just hoped they would mature as they grew older and gained more independence. I thought it was just a toxic friend group and that perhaps she would recognize her self destructive and immature behavior and grow from it. 

My first red flag should have been when they accused me of being their ex girlfriend SOLELY because I was living in PA. I hate to break it to yall, but PA is a big ass state and has a lot of comic book loving ladies. Thankfully I have never met this person IRL and I hope I never do.

They tried to pull me into making fun of other muns on discord, including mocking sensitive pictures from a mun’s personal blog. I blatantly said it wasnt okay and made me uncomfortable and she continued laughing and making jokes about it with her friend group on discord. She kept trying to pull me into it no matter how often I tried to change the subject.

Her group of friends also did this thing where one of them would go interact with a mun an they would take screenshots of the convo and share it with the group and mock the mun they were interacting with. Whether it be their presentation of character/grahics/writing style/ etc.

The other red flags I ignored? How much she complained and mocked other muns and compared them to me; if anyone did anything or said anything she disagreed with it was an instant blow up. She took EVERYTHING personally including other people writing the same characters she did, having differing headcanons, not knowng obscure details about canon, etc.

She once tried to make fun of a new writing partner I had who was writing the same character, and I had to break it to her that this new person could write in her first language if she wanted to; im being very vague but let me just say if you and your character have the same first language and you want to write in it then its completely WRONG for a white mun to try and make fun of you for it.

She once suggested I had stolen pictures off her pinterest when she sent me a moodboard request for my character. Jokes on her I didnt even know she HAD a pinterest and I had gotten all my pictures from the ‘green aesthetic’ tag on tumblr. Which I told her but she kept pushing the idea on me I had stolen them. I of course dismissed this and put it on the back burner despite the alarm bells going off.

This hyper critical and paranoid behavior continues with everything from other canon blogs making similar head canons/ vaguely similar graphics/ to fanfiction authors having similar head canons/plot ideas.

My penname Citrus? I didnt want one. I didnt want it. She demanded I have a pen name and if not she was going to call me Cat. Now as yall know I dont like being enmeshed with my muse so I keep myself separate from them. I didnt like being called Cat and I told her that explicitly. She kept doing it. So I had to make a pen name because she refused to respect my boundaries.

When the Deadpool movie came out she DEMANDED I change my FC to reflect the movie Despite Not Changing Hers to reflect her own characters new look - which might i add is fat erasure. It was clear then that the rules and standards she held other people to didnt apply to herself. I was labeled problematic for not giving into her demands to change FCs (which I have a literal logical reason for not changing and im not explaining that here)

So I shouldve left. Long story short I didnt because every friendship I’d been in until around this time had been abusive and toxic. I thought this was all normal behavior for people to have and I was convinced I was just being critical of someone elses opinions/ insensitive etc. Thanks to my colleagues in graduate school and to several of you on here I learned that ‘hey dumbass friends dont treat your ass like this’.

Im leaving a lot out about the shit she did/said to me but those snippets give you an idea of things.

Leading up she decided to leave fandom and asked we didnt talk about marvel I said cool okay and didnt talk about marvel with her. If I did I would ask first if she was okay if we talked about one small aspect I thought might excite her/ she would like to know about but it wasnt often that happened because she began ghosting me. Hard. She stopped replying to me at all over discord when I would try and talk to her how we used to about our lives. She didnt answer any asks for munday or character development, in fact she blatantly ignored me.

I checked in a couple times with her to make sure I hadnt done anything to make her uncomfortable and she said no. May I emphasize she said no here. Im emphasizing it right now. She said no. She said everything was fine. So when I was like hey dude this is super triggering for me can you send me like a hi every once in awhile just so I can know we’re okay because its super triggering for me. Yall know what she did? She ‘lmao’-ed. she thought that was hecka funny. Yeah triggering ‘Citrus’ is hilarious isnt it? No it isnt and I shouldve cut her ass off right then and there.

Heres where shit gets confusing: she kept fucking talking about marvel to me. Id get messages at random times about marvel and then silence for weeks. I vividly remember during this period I was cleaning the museum vault and she kept messaging me about her marvel fc’s and how she wouldnt get a plotline and how characters were wrong etc.

I remember being REALLY confused because she had said NO MARVEL. But here she was bitching at me about marvel. In fact thats all she did when she did talk to me. Which was only like three or four times during the ghosting time period. She’d bitch about marvel and then vanish.

Shed make claims about not watching her dash and thats why she never responded to me/ interacted with me. She’d say she wasnt talkng to anyone while I see her on the dash TALKING TO PEOPLE and Id like to point out Ive told her I would be fine ending anything as long as she let me know.

but she followed me on every blog and throughout this time period she made and followed me on numerous ones. She kept reaching out sporadically to bitch about her fcs/how horrible marvel was/ and thats it. 

It was extremely confusing because if someone doesnt want to talk to me I assume they will; 1. unfollow 2. block 3. say goodbye 4. ghost and stay ghosted.

Not cycle through behavior rapidly. I asked her a few times if we were good and that I was confused and I got another ‘lmao’ reaction so I assumed we were good. At this point I still have no idea what was going on/ what message I was supposed to be receiving other than confusion.

So following this is heavily suicide tw and I encourage you not to read this part and to scroll down until the suicide tw is over which is highlighted in bold- if you’re triggered by that because I care about those who follow my blog.

So thats when this shit happened. I had tried reaching out to her on a different fandom platform to try and maintain the friendship. Because she said numerous times that we were friends. So like I reached out thinking maybe she just didnt want a marvel blog period.  It wasnt too long after that that she suicide baited me.

I was in a really bad place and had been for awhile and when I posted about how the only thing holding me on was the new comic coming out and specifically said “im seriously suicidal and this comic is the only thing giving me hope #idk what to do anymore ”. I was surprised when she liked the post.

I was three steps into a four step plan. I had everything but the method planned out and was just waffling along with that. Because yknow its complicated and you do it you make it count amiright. Right. I was in a fucked up place. I had just realized I was gay, I was horrendously depressed, I was in considerable physical pain, I was working 70 hours a week, my OCD was at an all time high and the only thing that kept me on this earth was a fucking comic book. You hold onto what you need to yknow?

WELL APPARENTLY NOT

Because this person who doesnt read her dash? This person who doesnt want to talk about anything? Liked that post where I specifically stated I was suicidal and sent me a discord message saying “dont have hope”.

Thats all it said “dont have hope”

Now I know what youre thinking but hold on because it gets worse.

I said something about being confused I dont really remember because I was pretty out of it. I do remember she kept going on about how horrible the comic would be and that it would be a piece of trash. I remember telling her I was really numb and in a bad place and couldnt feel anything. I remember her sending me screencaps and continuing to go ON AND ON about how it wasn’t worth reading.

I remember with gross intensity how someone who said they were my friend was taking away the only thing that was keeping me alive.

I dont remember how the conversation ends. I called out of work for the next three days. I was catatonically depressed and unable to really move. I didnt eat either. I went to internship, work, and school in a state of dissociation.

 I took screencaps of everything and set them aside for later. IDK what I was going to use them for but I set them in a folder on my desktop, looking back I regret what I did next; because I deleted them. I deleted them because I thought maybe she had been manic or drunk and hadn’t realized the scope of what was happening. I wanted to talk to her about it and clear things up because I believed in her. I believed there was no way she would be so callous as to do that on purpose. No way would someone try and get someone they called a friend to kill themselves. So I deleted the screencaps and my post on tumblr. I deleted all evidence to protect her and I encourage you all never to fucking do that even if you think that person misunderstood the gravity of your situation. Because if you’re wrong no ones going to believe you.

I remember shifting between intense depression and total denial.

I spent the rest of that month in and out of intense dissociative states when I wasnt in class or working with my clients.  During the middle of October my sister sent me pictures of a litter of puppies and I was like ‘well, i really need to either kill myself or make sure i dont’. I spent a few days continuing to waffle with that decision but then i remembered my mom cosigned my loans and I cant leave her with that debt because fuck we cant even afford my funeral to begin with. So I adopted a dog, I named him Julio to remind me to keep living and he finally came to me on halloween.

He was the only reason I left bed on my days off. I tried not to think about it but I did.  

I continued to spiral with heavier dissociative episodes and vivid nightmares about it.

SUICIDE TW OVER

I waited until Christmas to ask her to clarify the situation and let her know I no longer felt comfortable writing with her. I reminded her what happened and told her to check her discord if she wanted to see for herself etc.

She sent two long asks of combative, emotionally abusive, and gaslighting accusations. The first thing she did was say I needed to provide evidence if I went around making accusations like that. Then she cascaded into how I always talked about marvel *points up to where i explained what happened earlier*.  She tried gaslighting me like a champion and tried turning me into a horrible person the only problem is everything she was accusing me of doing was the shit she was doing to me. Everything. 

Even if I was bad at any time I had given her numerous chances to tell me I was overstepping a boundary- she always said no. I gave her numerous times to unfollow me if she wasnt interested in interacting with me- she never did. In fact I had unfollowed her that month because of her behavior towards me and she hadnt even noticed.

I let her know I could tell she was angry,  and that I didnt take receipts of private conversations because I believed in settling things like adults, and that if she ever wanted any proof it was all in her discord anyway. I let her know she could contact me to apologize but otherwise I didnt want her on any of my blogs and I told her the first thing she should have done wasnt demand receipts but she should have asked if I was okay. Its a real reflection of where her priorities were when she demands evidence rather than checks to see if a writing partner is okay.

Even if I did something horrible it doesnt warrant someone trying to get me to end my life. 

I was notified she put a post on her blog apologizing to her followers for being a bad friend and that she was a horrible person and ofc everyone was like ‘noooo youre perfect’ and its like ya thats not for me who hasnt followed her in months- thats to save face.

Her friends blogs kept visiting my profile and going through the month where this happened.

Everything she did and said was to save face. Her blog and her reputation are the only thing she cared about. She has never approached me to apologize or anything of the sort and I doubt she ever will. I would hope she would never do this again and I hope she has grown as a person since. That her life is better and her mother is okay, that shes happy and learning. 

 I know by posting this I will never receive an apology- then again i never expected one to begin with. I could go through all the trouble of restoring the deleted files but to be honest it isnt worth it because theres no room in my life for that type of toxicity.

Since this happened I:

I have stronger episodes of depression and dissociation since.

My PTSD has increased and I have week long spikes in anxiety attacks, depression and decreased self worth if I even see her around the rpc despite being blocked, blacklisted on xkit etc.

Have more difficulty completing basic self care tasks due to an increase in depression and a decrease in self worth.

I have nightmares about this event and her to this day a year later.

I cannot interact with the RPC how I once did as I fear seeing her on my dash or any sort of information getting back to her about me.

It took me half a year to see the character she wrote as as safe again and for awhile I couldnt even look at him without experiencing an anxiety attack.

I keep having nightmares. Its been a year and I still have nightmares about this.

I find myself having more difficulties connecting with people online especially on this blog. I’m constantly on edge when interacting with people and I feel spikes of anxiety at the merest thought of someone talking about me to her.

I find myself unable to have confidence as a writer or creator online because I have been reminder of the cement wall between oc characters and their canon counterparts.

I cannot go out and just follow anyone and be friendly and trusting with them anymore, even with people I already know. In the back of my mind is a constant reminder of how she and her friends used to check up on people and pretend to write with them/ interact with them just to take screenshots of conversations to share with the group. I have become a paranoid little bitch in the past year is what Im saying. like theres 0 need for that shit.

I blocked most of the people she interacted with simply to save myself from being triggered by her blogs/ mentions of her and that isnt fair to those people.

I remember the photo incident and how people derived such joy from mocking someones body. I can think of so many incidents of them making fun of others and I remember how that could be happening about me rn, and I wonder if anyone would stick up for me like I did for the other mun.

 I hope by posting this I can try and return to the person I was before this happened. I can try and not be so bitter and reach out again to others. That somehow I can continue working on making tumblr a safe place for me again and not a PTSD laced minefield.

I would like to remind this isnt a callout and I request if you know who this is about you dont say anything to them. This isnt for them. They have NEVER reached out to apologize for their actions. They have NEVER checked to see if I was okay after that. They have NEVER shown any remorse for encouraging me to kill myself and while I hope they’ve grown from the situation and will never do it again I doubt I will ever get closure from such an event. But i DO hope by writing this I can take this place back.

Consider this my first step towards bringing this up to a therapist.

 Consider this another step to me taking this blog back and feeling safer here; and maybe just maybe Ill make up a cool pen name for myself and own that shit.

If you’ve read this far thank you for your patience with me, and I request you always treat your writing partners like the people that they are. 

This post is not intended or written to leave this blog and therefore I request you not reblog it or share segments of it with ANYONE. If I find you have shared anything on here without my explicit permission I will block you.

‘Citrus’

[wakasagayhime]

very long, very personal post

tldr, im still not drawing but here’s a detailed account of everything that’s happened in case anyone is confused or misinformed

alright. let me start out by saying i’m not going back to art just yet. it still hurts to do anything art related and i’m still trying to find a way to heal from all of this. i need some kind of professional help first, and i don’t know how long it’ll take afterwards for me to begin feeling like myself again. i don’t even know if i’ll be able to get any kind of professional help at the moment; my university’s counseling center told me, in short, that i’m so mentally ill that their services would not be enough for me and i’d have to look elsewhere (which is reasonable, tbh, they’re almost always completely booked so it’s difficult to actually even talk to someone there in the first place, i only got to talk to them to begin with because i nearly killed myself one night after having the most intense panic attack of my life where i felt like i was actually in the process of dying) and as if that weren’t enough, if you follow me on twitter you’d know that my mom finally left my stepdad, but this means that we no longer really have a home to call our own and are now living with some of my mom’s friends. on the bright side, miso is a lot freer and gets to explore the house as he pleases, but on the downside money is tight and my mom is trying her best to find a place to live while working two jobs and trying to help pay for my tuition. long story short, i want some kind of professional help badly, but all the bullshit that’s been happening in my life makes that difficult. 

anyway, i understand that i’ve worried a lot of people through all of this, and i’m sorry. i truly, genuinely am sorry for everything that’s been going on. i blame a lot of it on myself not being strong enough. if i were stronger, i wouldn’t care about some stupid internet trolls, or some random grown man in florida stalking all my social media. if i were stronger, i could take my life back. i wouldn’t feel the need to constantly contemplate suicide, or to torture my own body by starving because of my physical form feeling like the only thing i have left to be in control of. if i had only been stronger, like my old stupidly foolish overconfident 16 year old self who got into fucking STEVEN UNIVERSE DISCOURSE of all things, maybe i wouldn’t care. even when it first happened to me, after the initial shock and hiatus, i was pretty much back to normal almost instantly.  but this kind of trauma is sneaky and will gradually eat away at you more and more while you pretend to be ok, and then eventually you reach a breaking point and it’s taken over your life. that’s why i’m still obsessing over that day two years later. that’s why i can’t be left alone on december 13th this year, or else i know for a fact i will harm myself in some way. (don’t worry about that though, burger is going to hang out with me that day and i’ll be fine.) still, even though i keep telling myself my past self was stronger, i do know that she really wasn’t. she was still struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. maybe it just manifested differently for a while. maybe she felt unstoppable at some point in time because she finally found a girlfriend and got a cat. i got into so many fights that weren’t worth my time or energy at all, and part of me wishes i could be that confident again, but i also know that was my downfall to begin with.

i have followers who haven’t been around for longer than a year or maybe less than two, so i might as well give everyone a true, thorough rundown of what happened leading up to that day, the day of, and after. 

i’m sure a lot of you who are worried about me at the moment have seen the recent callout for colboh and his involvement in what happened. i’ll be honest--i don’t know the full extent of his involvement, and i want to believe his foolishness ends at not leaving artists who have blocked him alone and uploading their shit to booru sites when they explicitly state not to. so let’s just start there. i honestly don’t remember if it was before or after i first blocked him, but he uploaded one of my NSFW drawings to danbooru when i first shared my NSFW blog. (PROTIP: if you’re a minor, don’t share your NSFW art with anyone. don’t care if you’re 17, i was about to turn 17 myself. it will bite you in the ass. as such, some of this is my fault.) i quickly contacted danbooru asking them to delete it, and they did--but that artwork subsequently ended up on gelbooru as well, and i was unsuccessful in my efforts to remove my art from there.  

fast forward to december 13th, 2016. it was a normal morning. i was getting ready for school, but also being dumb and lazing around in bed browsing tumblr. i saw a post from a blog that shares Funny 4chan Screencaps. my art was in it. the art was of a very muscular yuugi, a drawing i was proud of, especially in how much gay energy i thought it radiated--but this drawing was being used in one of those typical “here’s a touhou, i wanna fuck her! am i right guys? let’s talk about how badly we want to fuck her” threads. seeing my art used for this was appalling. my first mistake was reblogging the post and saying how it was wrong, and how my art shouldn’t ever be used for such a purpose. my second mistake was making a text post AND tweets expressing my disgust at the situation, thinking no one who frequented /jp/ would ever see, sure that it would be a big waste of their time to concern themselves with some random dumb “”sjw”” artist. i also probably shouldn’t have specifically called them “gross neckbeards,” in doing so i absolutely struck a nerve with basement dwellers everywhere. i got to school and during my second period class, suddenly felt a strange urge to look at /jp/. why i did that, i still don’t really know. maybe i was expecting hate. maybe i was trying to see if they used my art for something gross again. i don’t know. either way, that moment changed everything forever. i saw the screencap of my tweets posted for everyone in their  circlejerk to see. even worse--i looked in the thread, and someone had also posted the NSFW art colboh had uploaded to danbooru, mocking it and calling me a hypocrite for drawing two girls having sex while also saying i don’t like my art being used for those kinds of threads. this is what truly ignited the amount of hate i saw directed towards me in the threads. i got called a bitch, a drama whore, got told to kill myself, and in one reply etched into my mind forever, someone said something along the lines of “we should all call her local gang and have them rape her, she just needs a good dicking.” there were multiple threads, too; i don’t know how many, but there was another one about me after the first one was deleted, in which someone edited a typical fat balding NTR hentai doujin style man into art i made of kagerou nosebleeding at wakasagihime. more disparaging comments were made. in both threads, people expressed their hatred and dislike of my art, some calling it garbage, some just saying it’s “bad,” etc. some people said the threads were unnecessary and rude, but they were a kind few in a cesspool of violence.

i don’t know who started these threads. i can’t assume anything about anyone, but whoever did this was definitely looking through all my social media out of bitterness and hatred, or perhaps even following me on both my tumblr and twitter considering the timing of the threads immediately after i complained. it eats at me that i most likely will never know who did this to me. i’ll never know who hated me so much that they decided to completely destroy my self esteem. if whoever it is who did all of this is reading this and feels any ounce of remorse, i’m begging them to reveal themselves and why they did it, but i know the chances of that happening are incredibly slim. someone, i can’t remember who, maybe it was queenly, told me they hope someday i reach a point where i don’t have to worry about that because i won’t care in general, but i still don’t know if i’ll ever reach a point where i stop caring about all of this.

like i mentioned earlier, after this all first happened, i was destroyed. the next day, my school’s GSA happened to have a vote for whose art would be on the club t-shirts, mine or someone else’s. mine lost. i broke down completely--anywhere i went, i wasn’t good enough, not for anyone. for days, there was a constant feeling of horror and fear  in my chest, something i’ve only ever felt so intensely when one of these threads resurfaces or i suddenly relive my trauma due to other things triggering me. i took a hiatus that lasted a few weeks, i believe i came back sometime before the new year. i thought i was ok, and i pretended like i could go back to being myself. but as time went on, and i continued living with the weight of that day on my back, i became weaker and weaker. i stopped drawing as frequently as i used to. my final year of high school started and i ended up falling into such a deep depression that i constantly skipped school and eventually attempted suicide in november 2017.  the suicide note i wrote cites that day as being one of the main things leading me to my decision, telling whoever did this to me that i hoped in my passing they’d have to live knowing what they did to me. my attempt only failed because i swore to take every pill left in the bottle and there were only four pills. had it been full, i’m not really sure what would have happened. i was sent to a mental institute afterwards for a week. being there was the absolute definition of hell. i was alone. i cried myself to sleep every night. they claimed to be a place where people were improved and got help, but i did not get any help at all. they basically imprisoned me for trying to kill myself. when i got out, i was only glad to be alive because i just wanted to be able to talk to my friends, my family, and my girlfriend again. it still shocks me that i was able to graduate from high school considering how much school i skipped before and after my suicide attempt.

sometime before that school year ended, i became extremely upset one afternoon and decided to run away from home. i had what happened to me and what was said about me that day running through my head. i tweeted that i hoped maybe in running away i’d end up being raped like they wanted, like how i deserved. someone who i considered a friend replied to this with, “fuck you.” after all of this was taken care of and i was safe at home, i responded that i was sorry, that i wasn’t thinking right when i made the tweet. she responded that i was, and blocked me. i tried to explain that i said what i did because of the threads about me on /jp/ and the one response threatening rape, but this was disregarded and, seemingly, ignored. a few days later, the former friend in question started sending me anon hate on tumblr, asking me why i want attention so badly, accusing me of making light of actual rape victims by saying such a thing. i explained myself, but to no avail. i blocked her on tumblr, and left it at that. but then, at the end of the school year, when i was proud of myself for finally getting through high school without killing myself or failing or anything, i stumbled upon the second thread. the date the thread was created lined up exactly with the time between me running away from home and me receiving anon hate. she can try to act like she didn’t make the thread all she wants, but i’m not an idiot. the replies were also eerily similar--people in the replies remembered me, a year and a half after the original thread. some replies mentioned me having attempted suicide months before. some mentioned my NSFW art again. i had a massive breakdown and nearly drowned myself in the pond down the road. it was a wet, rainy night, and i sat on a bench by the pond sobbing loudly, trying to find some way to want to keep living. but i couldn’t. i might have gone through with it if it hadn’t been for burger coming and talking to me and giving me a ride home.

entering college, i thought things would be easier. in a way, they are. i have more freedom with classes. this semester, i attended almost all of my classes, almost every day, just with the exception of me being sick some days and me accidentally oversleeping once, and then one day when i just didn’t feel like it. but things continued to get worse for me--i developed an eating disorder for many reasons, one being the time i spent a year prior depressed caused me to gain a significant amount of weight, and the other being i had sworn off self harm in the form of cutting. i found that i was able to get the same gratification from starving myself. at one point, it turned into a game of sorts, where i tried to see how long i could go without eating anything. my record was a little over 72 hours. being constantly hungry or in pain this way felt like something i deserved in a way, but also something to distract me from the pain of realizing i was losing my love for art. i was in denial about it for months. i tried to keep drawing, but everything i drew upset me, saddened me, and even angered me. i looked at anything i made and only felt disgust. it was the one thing i used to love doing more than anything, and now i only felt shame. 

in november, i acknowledged this and decided to quit for good. recently, i discovered colboh had uploaded more of my NSFW art to gelbooru, even though i specifically stated on my blog to never upload my NSFW art to image sharing sites, specifically right after he uploaded my art the first time. by the time i found this, i had already sworn off art for good, but looking at the comments on my art on gelbooru (and rule 34--i guess they’re connected upload-wise like danbooru?) filled me with so much sadness and shame, not because they criticized my art, but because they said horrible things about my depiction of kagerou. for those who don’t know, i headcanon kagerou as a trans woman, and one thing i do not regret about my time as an artist is how that depiction has helped numerous trans women feel good about themselves and their bodies. seeing so many disgusting comments deliberately misgendering her and making other transphobic remarks hurt me on a completely new level. my trans friends have been such a source of strength for me through all of this and seeing that made me feel disgusted, especially with myself. i felt like i had failed them. i had made so many trans women happy, only to see a man i blocked two years ago had uploaded my art to porn sites, tagging it with dehumanizing words like “f*ta” that i specifically tell people never to refer to my art with, displaying that art for the exact same crowds of people that ruined everything december 13th 2016 to continue to pick apart. one comment even told me to kill myself, effectively bringing back every memory of that day. 

speaking of that, another thing i want to touch on now that i’m up to speed with the details of everything that’s happened related to the original threads two years ago, is kagerou. i’m positive you all know that i really love kagerou imaizumi, and that she’s my favorite touhou character. it’s embarrassing to say, but she’s brought me so much comfort through all of this. sometimes if i’m sad, i’ll imagine her giving me a big hug, or i’ll look at cute pictures i have saved of her, or something along those lines. it’s pretty cringy for a fictional character to make me happy, i know, but i’ve grown so attached to her and she really means a lot to me. and another thing that made me want to swear off art is because she’s loved by so many others that i don’t think my depictions of her do her any good. i’m constantly compared to other artists, and it’s never good. even in the threads, i’m told i should be more like those other artists and these things wouldn’t happen to me. i am not allowed to love kagerou imaizumi. i draw her as a hairy trans lesbian, and that disgusts people. hell, the fact that i draw lesbians in general disgusts people, which sure fucking sucks because i constantly hate myself for not being attracted to men and being able to draw happy lesbians made me feel better about myself. but i’ve ruined kagerou for so many people, especially with my stupid kagewaka bullshit. maybe that’s why those artists unfollowed me. maybe it’s a combination of that and my constant breakdowns becoming far too annoying. i think all the popular artists who used to like me and then unfollowed/softblocked me are really glad to see that i’ve given up. and that’s something else that saddens me too--even as an artist, in my own community of touhou artists, i often feel like i’m lesser, and that i don’t belong. maybe it’s because i’m so foolishly outspoken about my opinions that they dislike me. maybe it’s because i’m a woman, and a lesbian at that. i don’t really know why they hate me so much. i wish i could belong somewhere.

and i think that’s what it all boils down to in the end. i’ve lost all sense of belonging. when i was 14 and people started noticing my art for the first time, i finally felt like i had something. like i belonged somewhere. after being bullied through middle school and having to deal with abusive friends and an abusive dad, it meant the world to me that i finally had something. but it didn’t last long at all. it all came crashing down, not just because of others, but because of me. i was the one who was cocky, getting into fights that weren’t worth it. i was the one who provoked people and made them hate me. i was the one who complained about /jp/ posting my art in their threads. i know people want to believe that i’m a saint, but i’m not. i have myself to blame too. i at least want everyone to understand this, above all else. there was so much i could have done differently to prevent this all from happening, but i didn’t. i was stupid and naive. i was a massive fucking idiot, and now look where i am. i lost everything. i thought i had friends, i lost them. i thought i loved art, i lost that. i thought other really talented nice people liked me, i even lost that. all i have now is an empty shell of my former self. i don’t know what to do with it. i don’t know how i’m going to rebuild myself. it’s so painful to have to keep living like this. i don’t know if there’s any fixing me at this point. i’ve lost so much, i feel permanently broken.

but despite all of that, despite everything i’ve been through, i still receive so much love and support from my followers and friends and it means so much to me. it means the world to me and has kept me going through all of this. knowing that people care about me and want to see me get better and improve makes me want to try to fix myself even if i am broken beyond repair. i just want to thank you all for being that source of strength for me. these past few years have been so hard for me and time and time again i still get love and encouragement from so many people. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. there is nothing more precious to me than those moments when i feel like i do truly belong, when i feel loved, when i feel like i’m not alone after all. for those moments, i’ll keep trying. even if these threads keep continuing and breaking me further, i’ll keep trying. even if every last artist in this fandom comes to hate me and my shitty art, i’ll keep trying. it’s still painful to draw right now and i have a long way to go before i can share art with anyone again, but for you all, i’m going to keep trying my best. at the end of the day, i know everyone’s encouragement and love is worth far more than hate threads urging me to kill myself. 

i’m sorry how long and personal and unnecessary this is, but i felt like i had to set things straight. if you read all of this, i applaud you. if you just kinda skimmed through to read the last paragraph, i also appreciate it. again, thank you. 

[ritahasaproblem]

If you want to write about ermal and fabri playing a drinking game like "never have i ever..." and they confess their feelings while playing i would love it! And thank you in advance for trying!!

Ahsjdksk thank YOU for giving me this prompt!!! I’m posting from my phone so lets hope my newfound skill with html doesn’t abandon me lmaoAlso sorry for the delay i’m super slow sigh ;; hope you like it 💖💖

let’s set the scene: it’s the 8th of july, the gig was cancelled due to bad weather, they’re all having a drink after dinner at the hotel’s bar

And Ermal is torn, because on the one hand he hates not performing, he hates disappointing his fans

on the other hand, he gets to spend a lot more time with Fabrizio than he would have had they performed

and he feels guilty as hell, because he had never thought such things before, for anyone

it doesn’t help that Bizio is his usual touchy self and boi, did he miss him

so they’re all laughing, drinks in hand, and Vige is telling Claudio about the last time he had to cover for Ermal not remembering his own songs, when Fabrizio approaches him from the side, “I wish I could’ve been there, at the concert”

“I know you had the kids, don’t worry, and with Libero’s tryouts you really had to be there”

Fabrizio lights up and starts talking about the children

Ermal is: so. Fucking. Smitten. He knows this, it’s not like he doesn’t, but sometimes even he can feel his own face go soft good lord this is embarassing

i promise i’m getting to the point soon

So, to wake himself from the trance he’s gotten himself into, he tries to joke. “Cherish this, soon enough he’ll be out there playing drinking games and you’ll have to drag his hungover ass out of bed on sunday mornings”

Bizio is: confused, and it shows

“Don’t tell me you never played never have i ever” “…” “Okay, neither have i, i just know it from my sister, she was the cool kid in school”

But, you know, it’s never too late to find your inner teenage self and get desperately drunk in front of your crush, so Ermal buys two bottles of red wine (“there’s no way i’m buying whiskey to get us drunk in a silly game, Montanari”), gets everyone except Max and the Sheriff (idk if he was there but let’s pretend he was) to agree to play the game, and they go up to his room

(i mean, “everyone”: it’s just him, Bizio, Claudio, Marco and Vige, most of their respective bands didn’t come to the thing)

It starts with gentle teasing, Marco saying “never have i ever forgot the lyrics of my own songs” (which *is* a dick move but it is also general enough that all three of the singers have to drink)

it gets progressively more personal, as these things are wont to do

First is “worn mismatched socks during a work meeting”, then “puked in the middle of a love confession”

Then Claudio (who was the one the last sentence was referring to) goes “Never have i even kissed another man on the mouth”

“I’ve kissed you at least three times, Clà, you should drink too” “ I meant french kissing”

“oh okay” Bizio says, taking his sip, nonplussed

And that’s how Ermal discovers that Fabrizio has made out with men.

Naturally, he’s taken his sip too, and Bizio looks at him oddly, like he’s rearranging everything he knows inside his brain

listen, i know the common headcanon is “Fabrizio is the first man Ermal has been attracted to” but i cannot stop thinking about rien de va plus that song has no heterosexual explanation and was written kind of loooong before they knew each other so

“Just the once or…?” asks Fabrizio. Ermal is both confused and relieved, because this way he has a good excuse to ask in return. “Well, usually more than once, i’m not that bad of a kisser”

du d e . he says it with self-deprecation but Bizio.exe just stopped working I MEAN WHO WOULD STILL WORK AFTER THAT

“What about you?” “A few times, when i was younger. I just don’t like to label myself, if i fall in love with a woman it’s fine, but if i like a man it’s also fine, capito?”

c a p i t o

[“I also took a sip, why is no one interested in my story?” “do you really want to go there, Vige?”]

After a few minutes of intense staring and one pausa sigaretta, the game goes on (as does the staring tbh but they both try to be subtle about it) (“try” being the key word here)

“never have i ever got so drunk i started waxing poetics about True Love and how magical it must be to meet The One” says Marco, to which Vige replies with “never have i ever had a crush on someone i was working with”, which is clearly a callout to Marco, since he and his girlfriend sort of worked together on her band for a while (y'all really don’t wanna know how i know that, so don’t ask) but OH WELL LOOK WHO’S ALSO DRINKING

Fabrizio, that’s who’s drinking.

Also Ermal, because he’s honest enough not to deny his crush and he’s tipsy enough to be honest, but that’s beside the point

“Was it Bianca?”

“Why the fuck does everyone think i’ve been with Bianca? No, we’ve always been just friends”

“She’s hot, you’re hot, seems natural you’d be all over each other”

Everyone else: is quietly trying to escape without being heard (spoiler: they succeed because the two idiots are too engrossed in each other)

“You’re hot too, yet you don’t seem to be all over me either”

‘SEEM’ BEING THE KEY WORD HERE, BIZIO

Ermal.exe stopped working MR STARK I DON’T FEEL SO GOOD

“You….. Think i’m hot?”

“Who doesn’t?” Fabrizio chuckles nervously. “And what about you? I saw you drink. Any of our colleagues that caught your eye?”

Oh boi

“Uhm. No. Well. Yes. But also no. It’s- it’s difficult Fabrì”

Listen. They’ve been drinking for an hour, he’s not thinking straight -not that he ever really has, tbh

“I mean, if you’re crushing on Fiorella i get it, but she’s happily married, you have no chance” jokes Fabrizio, noticing his discomfort. “Also i got there first, i get to court her before you”

“Then i really have no chance, there’s no way anyone would turn you down”

That’s when Bizio drops the bomb, whispering “Not even you?” without looking up from his glass of wine.

“well, i did say 'anyone’, Bizio ” replies Ermal, heart thundering in his ears, voice as low as the other singer’s.

“Oh”

“Told you it was complicated”

“Soooo” starts the other man. Ermal sees him getting up from the floor where they were all sitting and feels cold dread in his gut. Great. He spent the longest time avoiding this and now he’s driven Fabrizio away.

But no, the other singer is just coming beside him, sitting so near their thighs touch, a shy smile on his face. “If i were to do this” he murmurs, slowly caressing his arm with one finger, skin to skin, making them both sigh, maybe in relief, maybe from the nerves; it’s so clearly a flirty gesture it makes him breathe a little faster. “If I were to do this” Fabrizio keeps saying, leaving it hypothetical when there is nothing hypothetical about his hand travelling from his wrist to his shoulder and back, “would it be okay?”

It’s just a hand on his arm, but it somehow feels more exciting than a lot of the first kisses he had shared with others, goosebumps on his skin

“if i were to do this?” asks again, intertwining their fingers.

Fabrizio is staring at his face, a soft, playful smile; his eyes are searching, tho, looking for any sign of discomfort, even if Ermal knows he won’t find any

he’s probably smiling like a lunatic, and that must be the right signal, because Fabrizio balances himself on his thigh with the unoccupied hand and descends to kiss his neck, just a tiny peck

“And this?” he says, against his skin, and it tickles a bit, so he has to laugh as he answers “You do that all the time already” while squeezing his hand

“Maybe I want to do it more” he replies, as he kisses his neck again, this time a little higher, then another kiss, on his jaw, and Ermal feels like he’s floating, he doesn’t know if it’s the wine or the words or the kisses

“Maybe I’d let you”

And the way Fabrizio’s face lights up in an honest smile is making him feel Things, things like butterflies in his stomach, like his heart is about to burst, like the world is just the two of them. And this time he lets himself get lost in the feelings, in the knowledge that he’s allowed to want this, how fucking lucky he is

All the while Fabrizio has been staring at him, always that soft, fond smile, a hand on his cheek, another in his own.

“Nothing else you might attempt?” asks Ermal, once he has sorted out his feelings long enough. “You know, you’re already con un piede nella fossa (="with one foot inside your grave”, super old), and I’m not getting any younger either. You’ll have all the time you want to get acquainted to my neck, later"

Fabrizio laughs, eyes crinkling, touching Ermal’s forehead with his own.

“Okay then” he says, before kissing him.

[later, when at three am Ermal will wake him to announce triumphantly “SO I AM THE ONE YOU HAD A CRUSH ON!!!!!” he will almost laugh. Before throwing a pillow at his head, that is.]

[nickireadstfc]

The King’s Men, Chapter 8 – Baby, Now We Got Bad Blood

In which Neil’s birthday surprise bloody sucks, I have opinions about the Terrapins’ naming choices, Matt is too good for this world, and the Twinyard’s first attempt at Actual Human Interaction doesn’t quite go as planned.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The King’s Men.

(This is a longass chapter and lots of shit happens, so this is a longass update. I’m sorry in advance.)

             Neil flipped his phone open to stare at the date. It was Friday, January 19th. “Neil Josten” was supposed to turn twenty on March 31st. Today Nathaniel Wesninski turned nineteen years old.

OH SHIT IT’S HIS BDAY!!! HAPPY BIRBDAY MY BOY!!!!!

And we almost made it in time as well! 12 days late, but still – happy late birthday, my dude.

Actual footage of my baking disaster ass making a cake for our birthday boy.

Sadly though, Neil doesn’t care much for his birthday, and because he tragically keeps his mouth shut about it for most of the chapter, neither can anyone else.

I love birthdays. How dare you deprive me of some good good festivity. This is a gosh darn shame, Josten.

             Neil knew he went to his classes, but he didn’t learn anything. He wrote down what his teachers said but didn’t absorb a single word.

In other news, when will Neil in uni stop being such a goddamn #MOOD.

Exam season is hitting me hard right now folks, and while I’m tryinfg to play catch-up on my notes this just feels like an unnecessary callout post to my lazy past self.

In other other news – it’s time for Orange Sportsball again!

Our Foxes are playing a home game against Belmonte which, if you’ll all kindly remember, resulted in The Most Epic Move Andrew Has Ever Pulled, Ever last time we played them.

So, you know, no pressure.

Before Neil can pop a boner about being on an actual game court again though, he has a little birthday surprise waiting for him, and it’s, well, how do I put this –

A bloody hell of a situation.

             It exploded in his locker, triggered by the door opening, and Neil recoiled as it cascaded over everything insde. (…) The bag looked big enough to hold at least two gallons; it was more than big enough to destroy every single piece of gear Neil owned.

WHAT THE FUCK.

For all y’all non-American folks, two gallons are about 7.5 litres. SEVEN POINT FIVE LITRES.

For further reference, that’s about as much as would fit in this bucket.

Yeah.

THAT’S A FUCKLOAD OF BLOOD.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

             Neil wrenched the broken bag off the hook. When he turned to throw it Andrew caught his wrist. Neil hadn’t even heard Andrew cross the room toward him. (…)

             “It’s ruined,” Neil said, voice ragged with an awful rage. “It’s all ruined.”

Yup – his entire gear, complete with helmet and shoes, now looks like it played a supporting role in the Red Wedding, and really took on some method-acting for it.

But we’re not done here, oh hot diggity shit no.

             Matt’s startled voice echoed off the bathroom walls. “What the hell?” (…)

             Written in blood across the tile was a bold message: “Happy 19th Birthday, Jr.”

OH SHIT.

OH SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.

DAD’S HOME, FOLKS.

I am decidedly NOT FUCKING LIKING THIS.

I don’t even want to think about what this means.

If this is the Raven’s doing (which was what I thought about the blood), then that means they’re more in touch with Daddy Wesninski than we thought, which is super bad.

If this is Daddy Wesninski’s own doing, then he’s way more in touch with Getting Revenge On Neil than we thought, which is super super bad.

Either way –

(I also immediately regret calling Wesninski Senior ‘Daddy’. Please remind me to bleach my eyes at the next convenient time.)

             He grabbed the fledgling sense of panic and buried it deep, the same way he’d smothered his broken heart long enough to burn his mother’s body. He would have to react to this later, but if he did it now with all of the Foxes as his witnesses he was going to lose everything.

And bury it he does – Neil, that badass motherf*cker, just buries oh, y’know, the realization that his childhood abuser and indirect killer of his mother is figuratively right behind him,  somewhere in his brain and moves the fuck on.

What a dude.

             “Can you play?” Kevin asked.

             “I’m pissed off, not injured,” Neil snapped. “I’m not going to let this keep us from winning tonight. Are you?

GO GET EM, MY BOY.

WHAT A DUDE.

             “I will give you one chance tonight,” Wymack said. “If I think your head isn’t in the game, I will pull you so fast you’ll get whiplash.”

HSM basketball gifs will never not be appropriate for this team.

In the cleanup process of the Bloody Hell of a Situation, Matt steps out to grab some underwear for a half-naked Neil, and when he comes back he takes the opportunity to remind us all again what a genuinely great character he is – lest we forget.

             Neil opened the door just far enough to realize it was Matt in the hallway and was startled into saying, “You knocked?” (…)

             It wasn’t the first time the Foxes had gone out of their way to accommodate Neil#s privacy issues, but they usually had time to think it through. Matt was late for warm-ups because of Neil and shaken by Riko’s awful trick. Despite that he’d remembered not to barge in.

Matt, you sweet considerate spikey black Billie Joe Armstrong, LET ME LOVE YOU.

And now that Neil is all suited and booted (and had his anger horn tooted), let’s fucking go.

             The ghost of [the blood incident] egged him to go harder and faster. Kevin didn’t warn him to scale back, and they crashed into their backliner with an unusual aggression.

To the Foxes, what the fuck is unusual aggression?? Instantly fucking murdering a dude right there on the field?

“Unusual Agression” is pretty much those guys’ team motto, folks.

Unsurprisingly, our Foxy Sportsball Squad totally rules the following game, no biggie.

Nothing like a bit of blood, childhood trauma and accidental nudity to get fired up before a big game.

             Two minutes later, the Foxes got the chance they needed. A Terrapin striker got around Matt and raced at the goal. (…) Andrew was outside of his box in a heartbeat, and he body-checked the striker hard enough to floor him.

GET REKT.

Also, to remind y’all non-Native English speakers (like me) what a Terrapin is, it’s these cute lil fellas.

Not exactly a threatening opponent.

Not so much a fast one either. Who the fuck thought that naming choice was a good idea, like “yeah, sure, let’s call our skilled Sportsball team after fucking turtles”.

The Team of Poor Naming Choices gets what they deserve, in any case – the Foxes run right over them and celebrate an epic 8-5 victory.

             Wymack and Abby were waiting for them, Wymack with a toothy grin and Abby all smiles.

I love me some supportive Fox Parents.

However, the party is pretty much over instantly as the Foxes are back on their infighting bullshit.

             Allison (…) kept her eyes on Neil. “I’ve hit the limit of what bullshit I’ll tolerate this week, let alone this year. I need to know how much worse this pissing contest between you and Riko is going to get.”

Can we have literally….. 5 seconds of happy celebratory peace up in this bitch, thank you.

At least Wymack feels me.

             “I’m instigating a new rule where everyone is required to be happy after a win. You downers are going to suck the life out of me before my time.”

Thank you, my man.

Allison is kind of right, though – they do need to really fucking talk about this.

             “First off: the massacred elephant in the room. Massacred birds, rather. I called in a favour with the faculty and got Abby access to the microscopes in the science labs.”

Oh, that is morbid.

If that Bloody Hell of a Situation was the Ravens’ doing, then that is the most macabre symbolism I’ve seen in a while.

If it was Wesninski Sr’s – then I don’t want to think about the symbolism, quite frankly.

Which reminds me of an interesting point: Everyone is automatically assuming Riko did this. This makes sense considering almost no one knows of the existence of Neil’s dad, but Neil does not only seem to be playing along, but he seems to have the same opinion. The writing on the wall clearly said “Junior” – why isn’t he considering the fact that it could have just as well been his dad?

Obviously, don’t get me wrong here, knowing their power situation Riko/Tetsuji are still behind all of it and would know of what Neil’s dad is doing to Neil. But to me, this doesn’t sound like Riko’s style. Gallons of blood set up like a crude school prank and words written in blood – this sounds much more like a man who calls himself The Butcher than a rich sleek featherfucker.

Unsurprisingly, Neil isn’t exactly a fan of presenting his entire life story to his team. However, a certain someone who is still massively Salty™ at Neil for ratting him out to his girlfriend intervenes.

             “They’ll never find proof that Riko was involved in this,” Aaron said, “but they might find you, right? (…) Your looks, your languages, your lies – you’re running from something or someone.”

Ohhhhhhhhhh shit.

This is CALLOUT CULTURE.

While the team is busy collecting their jaws from the floor, Neil makes a weak attempt at sassing his way out of this situation.

             Keeping his voice calm took every ounce of energy he had left. “You know, I expected low blows and backstabbing from the Ravens. I thought Foxes were better than that.”

Don’t generalize, my dude.

Dan, Matt and Renee would never.

Neil then does worm his way out of this situation, though – by making a Bad Callout Situation a Worse Callout Situation, Like So Much Worse, Oh God.

             “I’m still waiting for a thank you,” Neil said. “From both of you, to each other. You’re even now, aren’t you? So why can’t you just wipe the slate clean and start over? (…) You don’t want me to be right, because if I am it’s your fault she’s dead.”

             Andrew finally joined the argument. “No. It’s always going to be her fault.”

Oh no, honey, please don–

             “I told her what would happen if she raised her hand again. She had no right to look so surprised.”

DID YOU JUST.

             Wymack pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled noisily. “Could you at least let us leave the room before you confess?”

Same, my dude.

Also hah, nose puns.

             It took Aaron a minute to find his voice again. He still sounded angry, but there was a muted edge to his, “You wouldn’t even look at me. You wouldn’t say a word to me unless I said something first. I’m not psychic. How was I supposed to know?”

             “Because I made you a promise,” Andrew said. “I did not forget it just because you chose not to believe me. I did what I said I would do, and fuck you for expecting anything else.”

And this paragraph right there, this is so, so important because it just sums up both their worldviews perfectly.

Aaron is still the more “normal” one of the twins – hard and bitter, but eventually the more grounded, the more realistic brother. But he also never really got to know Andrew, the real Andrew – whether out of fear of him or out of Andrew’s refusal. Andrew didn’t talk to him, and Aaron never learnt who exactly he was dealing with, so how was he supposed to know?

Andrew, on the other hand, makes promises and sticks to them, absolutely no matter what. He doesn’t care about the means to achieve his goals, he is colder and more ruthless than Aaron – or any sane person – ever could be. And in his world, this all makes sense – legit murder isn’t out of proportion, nothing can be, when it comes to keeping those he cares for safe (lizziedunbar99 made an excellent point on this the other day). When he protects someone, he protects them, all or nothing, and fuck anyone for expecting anyone else.

Yes, hello, I love these idiots.

             There it was again: a hint of that infinite anger at Andrew’s core. (…) He put his hand up between [the twins]. A heartbeat later Andrew’s expression went dead. Neil regretted his intervention immediately. No one could let go of that much rage that easily; Andrew had simply buried it where it could hurt only him.

And the moment that anger finally, healthily (!) breaks free will be the happiest day in this goddamn series.

Or, y’know, everything will go up in flames, but them’s the risks when you’re dealing with our favourite Murder Maniac.

In other news – in case you forgot (which I did), the other Foxes are still present, and they do kind of want answers at this point.

             “Is [your past] going to be a problem?” Dan asked.

            ��“No,” Neil said.

             Allison arched a brow at him (…) “Are you sure about that?”

I want Allison to please barge into conversations like this always, her head appearing over the scene John Cena-style.

This meme is long dead, but watch me give no shits.

             “Riko knows who I am because our families operate in similar circles, but he is a Moriyama in name only. He doesn’t have the resources to do more than threaten me.”

             “Damn, Neil,” Matt said. “Your parents must be something else if even Riko’s got to follow the rules.”

Oh hon, oh my sweet summer child, you have no idea.

And with that, the conversation is blissfully over, and we have only two tiny things to get to before this monster of a chapter is finally done.

First, Neil gets a text message:

             He didn’t recognize the number or the area code. He understood the message even less: “49”. Neil gave it a minute, but nothing else was forthcoming. He deleted the text and put his phone away.

Ah well, I’m sure this ominous and vaguely threating thing was merely a wrong number and is totally not going to come back to haunt our asses a few chapters from now.

And second, the Normal People Squad still has some opinions on the Murder Situation:

             “Just like that,” Matt said dubiously. “You’ve always known what he’s capable of, but you said he’s never given you a real reason to be afraid of him. What the hell are your parents into, if you can glide past murder like it’s no big deal and get in Riko’s face all the time?”

OH HON, OH MY SWEET SUMMER CHILD.

Also, me a few books ago.

Oh, how far we’ve come.

Unsurprisingly, yet to my great delight, Renee is not as shellshocked as Dan and Matt about Andrew’s confession, and offers some much-needed insight.

             “We cannot understand the situation entirely, Dan. We will never know Andrew’s frame of mind at the time or how bad life with her was for them. All we can do is make a choice: believe that he was protecting Aaron or condemn him for taking the most extreme path. I would rather go with the former.”

Mic drop, sweet smile, Renee out.

God, I love this girl.

If you like what I do here and you want me to continue writing fun things for you, why not buy me a coffee? Every lil bit helps, getting me through uni and all that jazz. Thanks so much!

[thisdiscontentedwinter]

1/10 NYXELESTIA: If this was an honest mistake, then it’s a mistake which quite frankly confirms one of my biggest problems with that person and their circle of friends: the tendency to pick and choose what supports their agenda, and discard anything else which counteracts it.

2/10 They do this constantly on Teen Wolf, picking up on one line or scene and building up an entire meta around it and then completely ignoring everything else that counteracts or undermines their point. They will ignore an entire show saying one thing and narrow down on a single line or prop implying another and claim the entire show is really about that.

3/10 I’m not surprised that they’re doing this to actual people, too. It was an ad hominem attack. It’s what you use when you can not longer make an argument againstwhat someone said, and your last line of defense is to attack who said it. You discredit the person making the argument when you can no longer discredit the argument itself.

4/10 There are a lot of reasons I blocked the person we’re talking about. A tremendous amount of their meta was already utilizing racist discourse tactics to demean Teen Wolf’s characters of color (not just Scott) while propping up white characters (not just Stiles or Derek).

5/10 They were a big name in the ‘circle jerk’ of anti-Scott Sterek stans who bend over backwards and twist the show into a pretzel to be able to erase Scott while propping up Derek and Stiles. They will warp Stiles’ character and turn him inside out to justify their viewpoints, and they have contributed extensively to the racist reasoning and methodology underlying the anti-Scott discourse in Sterek and TW fandoms.

6/10 Scott and Stiles have been best friends since the very beginning of the show, and Derek and Scott have been tremendous friends once they finally pulled their heads out of their asses after Season 2.

7/10 But these people will use single lines and throwaways to discredit, undermine, and erase entire seasons worth of trust and support and friendship - and it’s almost always to separate the characters of color from the white characters.

8/10 The end goal was the same: use my race to discredit me, because they could no longer discredit my argument. Ad hominem is a big deal for me. It’s why I try to shut down name calling no matter where it’s coming from.

9/10 Meanwhile I have never once used their name in this post. It’s childish to publicly talk shit about someone when they can’t talk back because of a block, so I don’t do it.

10/10 And I do this despite the fact many of the people in this group continue to name me in their anti meta, and continue to publish anonymous hate against me. Spreading a lie or a mistake about my race wasn’t the only reason I blocked them. It was just the final straw for me.

Wow, I had to wait all day for all these asks to come through. What’s going on there, tumblr? 

And having finally read Nyx’s latest word salad, I actually don’t think it’s about me. mostly because I don’t really do meta. Having said that, it might be, because this is Nyx and facts have very little to do with whatever is going on in her head. 

And why shouldn’t people write meta that you don’t agree with? You don’t have to agree with it. But you also don’t have to ascribe bullshit racist motivations to it, just because you don’t like it. And don’t pretend you give a fuck about characters of color in the show. You only give a fuck about one character of color, who you yourself admitted was white-coded and, if he had been played by a white actor you never would have considered him POC at all. You admit yourself that Scott McCall was written as white, many people have told you that they consider Posey white-passing and never knew he was Latinx, and yet you insist that the only reason people don’t like the choices his character makes (and all of those choices are up to individual interpretation, as always) come down to one thing: racism. Your argument has holes big enough to drive a train through. 

And, Nyx, nobody attempted to use your race to discredit your argument. Your argument does that itself. It’s the own goal of arguments. It’s the argument that shoots itself in the foot without even trying. It’s the Wrong-Way Corrigan of arguments. 

And can we just take a moment to talk about this: 

Meanwhile I have never once used their name in this post. It’s childish to publicly talk shit about someone when they can’t talk back because of a block, so I don’t do it.

Nyx wrote a callout post in which she named people, called them racist ,and then pre-emptively blocked them. You do do this, Nyx. You have publicly done this. 

And, as I’ve said before, I have never published anon hate against you. I’m happy to continue calling out your stupidity publicly.  

[gryffon]

gonna post that thing i wrote about my abusive ex, this isnt a callout but its just like, all the shit ive been wanting to say and havent felt like i could. gonna namedrop people, gonna not give a fuck, i cant cw for everything but there are rape mentions, physical assault mentions and like. general feelings that happen the wake of emotional abuse.

i dont check often but my ex has deleted the blog she was currently using, (@windowpainter or somethng. she was @hamgubber before, previously @miniaturehorse if anybody remembers from when we were totgether and would post on each others blogs nonstop lol) she has a history of lurking around and worming her way into befriending popular people in online subcommunities i am part of or adjacent to. i have not spoken to her since i realized she was abusive and started to try to pull out of our codependent dynamic. she panicked when i realized actions speak louder than words and her long winded apologies, excuses, and textbookish tripe about DBT and getting better or whatever meant nothing in the face of months of repeated lying, breaking of promises, degradation, disrespect to me as a person, disregard of my physical disabilities, insults, patronization, manipulation, multiple instances of cheating, antagonization, neglect, extortion and overall emotional abuse. when she caught wind that i was going to leave her she wrote me a series of emails totaling over 30,000 words, all varying from "i love you please dont leave me we can work this out. breaking up with me is weak." to "you are not a victim. you are not a victim. here is a categorized list of the ways in which you are abusive while i downplay my own behaviors and patronize you. here's an ultimatum and you are not allowed to respond with more than one sentence." to which i disregarded and wrote up a long, thoughtful reply and chose to never send, ending contact with her for good. this was like, 2013 or 2014.

she never called me out, and i never called her out despite giving very serious consideration to it. i was listening to the advice of my therapist at the time, who told me that she thrives on drama and spends her life constantly creating it, and to give her that kind of attention was exactly what she wanted and would only engage her more in my life and be more degrading to my mental health. the best course of action was to give her nothing, and not give her any more power or influence over me, any footholds or any more of my time, consideration, energy or thought. if anybody reading this has endured emotional abuse from somebody you love, you know it is extremely difficult to totally ignore somebody like this, especially when that person has isolated you from the majority of your support system and friends and you have shaped your entire identity around your relationship with your abuser. but i have followed my therapists advice. i have been working on moving on.

still, over the past few years ive had my mutuals contacted by her friends and told to stop talking to me. ive had people i follow put her and her friends on my dash, which up until recently would send me into a panic that lasted several hours. i have a lot of people in the lesbian/commie/leftist/trans/etc/whatever circles on tumblr who just like randomly have me blocked for no reason (since i dont give a fuck and im going for a spirit of total honesty here, ill name drop @butchcommunist, who she dated for a period of time iirc. a lot of my followeds and mutuals reblog from her. i made a point not to check either of their blogs after finding out but it was upsetting since i would see julia all over my dash. that connection still exists in my mind and its pretty upsetting.). ultimately, and rationally i know that these things do not matter that much. i have a vibrant, healthy and loving circle of friends outside of the internet/tumblr and some randos on the internet having me blocked doesn't really mean anything in the scheme of things. still, when this shit happened it felt terrifying and i was horrified, my emotions magnified by the effects of emotional abuse. despite my VERY intense urge for closure, i try to keep as far away from her as possible.

i gave this woman a year of my life that in my memory is defined by her. i was very madly in love and i spent countless hours at her beck and call, countless hours in calls and in text conversations with her, countless hours supporting her through breakdowns, countless hours talking through her fears and worries, countless hours defending her when she stirred up drama, countless hours defending her horrible behavior to my friends, countless hours rationalizing her abuse to myself and people who approached me with worry, countless hours loving her and wondering why it felt so horrifically painful to be with somebody who told you they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you. almost all the money i was making at the time was spent on her. i helped her move across the continent. i had her at my house for weeks. she fucking took out a loan from my mom. despite how big a role she played in my life, over the past 3 years since our falling out i have only checked her blog less times than i can count on my fingers, usually in moments of distress and in the spirit of self-destruction.

i know for a fact she has convinced her friends to check my blog for her god knows how many times, telling them about her fear of me as a 'dangerous person', that i’m going to call her out, her "fear" that im obsessing over her and am quietly plotting to ruin her life. she's scared for a good reason, but not because i'm an abusive bitter ex out on a smear campaign to slander her innocent name and ruin her life in the name of revenge. she's scared because she knows i have some undeniably serious receipts on her. i have receipts of her sending me a horrifying letter her ex had written her describing a graphic instance of a time my ex had raped her, and of her admitting outright to the rape. i have logs of her checking her rape victim's blog and telling me how exasperated she was her victim was still angry with her even after she apologized, and couldn't understand why her victim was stuck on her and wouldnt move on, going on to blame modern feminism and its tendency to portray abusers and rapists as incorrigible. i have receipts of her admitting to perpetrating emotional and physical abuse in her previous relationships, like an instance where she describes losing control of herself and beating her ex senselessly. i have talked with exes, who confirm stories she had told me where she would cut her arms in her presence, deep enough that her life was at risk, and then refuse to go to the hospital, leaving her girlfriend to either bandage and tend to her wounds or else my ex would bleed out and die. those are just the more horrific ones. i have many receipts that document her emotional abuse towards me as well, which im barely even getting into here. i know plenty of other people have experiences with her and accounts of interacting with her that undeniably portrays her as a serial abuser, rapist, and extortionist and exposes the falsehood of her charming and intelligent persona.

several times i have considered calling her out because she has proven herself beyond a doubt that she is a serial abuser who leaves a trail of burning bridges in her wake. i have no doubts that the evidence i have against her is completely solid, and her claims of my status as an abuser that she perpetuates to her friends are built on pillars of sand. i am not afraid of anything she could bring to the table anymore. i have spoken quite a bit with exes and ex friends (some of which sided with her during our breakup and who eventually ended up cutting off, and we reconnected with years after), and they all suggest the same shit. she is manipulative to her very core and will not stop hurting and using people until she dies.

these are big claims and again, this isn't a callout and the reason im not providing the logs is because im just trying to get out my thoughts in an honest way and im not trying to make a case about anything. this is cathartic. im so fucking tired of feeling like its a secret. i dont even know what blog shes using or whatever and while that scares me, i don't care anymore. people who are still semi-big names in the online communities i drift around in still have me blocked and a lot of times i wish i could message them and tell them "hey, you know she's wrong, and i have absolute proof." but my self worth is high enough that i dont need to go around convincing every single rando who doesn't like me that im a good person, not to mention the risk of indirect contact through those who's lives she is still present in.

for a long time the way i coped was by holding onto the idea that she would apologize to me, and i could finally have closure. she apologized to the ex i mentioned earlier, and because of that i hoped she would grow enough as a person to realize that there is literally no way any rational being could look at our relationship and say that, yeah, i was the one hurting her. apparently thats too much credit to give her, and i realize she only apologized to her ex because she wanted me to think she was changing, growing and a good person at heart who just had a rough past. after enough time, enough conversations with people who she was previously close to, i have accepted that she will never truly dedicate herself to getting better. she will always be using people, always be hurting people, always lying, always hypocritical, always disingenuous and always covering her ass by hiding under the language of victimhood, trauma, recovery, self-improvment, DBT, and therapy to convince her victims that her offences are missteps in her journey to improvement. 

this isn't a callout, this isn't meant to be circulated as a warning, this isn't meant to be any sort of vengeance or crusade. i dont even think shes fuckin on tumblr anymore lol. i don't care anymore. i dont care what people take this as. this is me writing an honest, open, reflective, cathartic processing of the scenario that impacted my teenage years so severely.  this isnt concise or well written and i dont need it to be. i've spent too many years wanting to talk about this, needing to process it more openly, but being riddled with horrific anxiety and fear, worrying about her and her social influence and her ability to impact my life. but its been a long time. ive worked hard at this. ive worked hard to get past this. ive worked hard to learn how to be with people who will treat me with kindness. i needed to write this and i needed to post this without editing every sentence a thousand times. this is largely unedited. i dont care if this makes me look pathetic or obsessed with her ive been letting these feelings stir for years and im just ready to breathe again.

if you want to talk about this post DM me or whatever. if you know her and think its all bullshit and you want logs, sure. i dont have anything to hide anymore. her name is viv and she is the worst person i have ever met and i feel sorry that i gave her so much of my love. thanks.

[fearducts-blog]

AN OPEN LETTER FROM EVERYONE I’VE EVER MET TO VULGAR / MORTEM.

I bet y’all thought my drama days were over, but surprise surprise, I have come “rinse crying” back to this fandom because, I understand, Vulgar. You found paradise in America, you had a good trade, you made a good living. The police protected you and there were courts of law. You didn’t need a friend like me. But, now you come to me, and you say: “kindly kiss my ass” But you don’t ask with respect. You don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think to call me Godfather. Instead, you come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married, and you make my friend cry in public because you follow bait her, publicly post about how much of a terrible person she and everyone else in this fandom is and then once again pinpoint the negative reputation you have built up for yourself on everyone but you.

I don’t know what her URLs are these days because frankly, in spite of what she will tell you, up until two days ago, I could not have given less of a shit if I tried, but going by the screenshots I’ve seen lately this post is going to concern: woshi-tuzi / twinblcdes / gelosiia / buside / baolii / puntirotti any other blogs run by Vulgar / Mortem. Not gonna lie, this is a long post, there’s a lot to go over here, and a lot of it’s going to seem like old, irrelevant, petty high school drama, because that’s exactly what it fucking is, but since Vulgar is still using drama from a year ago as her sword and shield to treat others badly, it’s long overdue that we did some good old fashioned air clearing.

I guess we’ll start with breaking down what tipped everything over the edge, this charming message that was sent to Elle; X. ( in reference to this hot vague, but we’ll get back to that later. )

“ WHAT MOMO AND IVY DID TO ME ”

We stopped talking to her, and blocked her after an argument that transpired in private — that’s it, that’s all we did. You can skip this section if you want to skip year old high school level drama, but if not...

It all happened because she guilt tripped me for taking over 10 minutes to reply... as it happens, I wasn’t replying to her because it was 3am where I was and I was fucking trying to sleep, not that the time difference matters because it was 10 minutes and not to be crude, but I could have been doing anything, I could have been taking a shit and that was apparently grounds for a guilt trip. And while I’ll admit, I could have handled it better, I’m really not here to be guilt tripped on account of not replying to someone because I’m asleep whenever they message me, because in spite of proclaiming me their “best friend”, after a month of me living in a UTC+8 timezone, they still haven’t clocked onto the fact that I’m working to a different schedule to them. So this exchange happened : X. ( call me a herpetologist bc I know you’re a snake, Vulgar, so before you say anything about the time stamps, these are your logs, not mine. ).

Anyway, you might think this has nothing to do with Ivy, and you’d be absolutely right, it doesn’t. But Vular went to her anyway and deliberately misrepresented the situation, now fortunately, not only am I a herpetologist, but I'm too, am a fucking snake, so knowing Vulgar was going to pull the same shit she did in the past where she came to me to bitch about close friends of mine following minor disputes, where whenever she had an argument with someone over skype she’d send me an MS Word version of the logs????? Before going back to bed, I straight up sent Ivy the chat logs in the immediate aftermath, I didn’t bitch about Vulgar, I just showed Ivy what happened, said I was a bit pissed off and that I wanted her to know what happened in case she was put in the middle.

Guess where she was put the very next day and who tried to put her there!! X, X, X, X. Ivy told Vulgar how things looked from an outsiders perspective and that she should apologize, she even told Vulgar how to go about doing it. And we’ve all done it, we’ve all had skype drama we’ve copy / pasted to a friend, but the thing is, Vulgar was deliberately twisting things here because by her own admission, she did not like that Ivy and I spoke to each other more than we did to her. What she likes to justify this with was “I just wanted a friend to lean on”, no you didn’t. Also, “the one time I needed it, she was so callous to me”, bullshit, you came to me every single day with a problem and I always helped you through it, I held your hand through the polycoria drama, like I cringe at the thought of this post but: X, you can’t say I was callous to you the one time you needed it, not when you posted this, not when every day in the run up to this, you came to me with a new issue about someones’ OC “cockblocking one of your ships” or someone not wanting to be mains with you.

Anyway!! Vulgar told Ivy she was going to apologize, and to the surprise of probably no one, did not. Sadly, I no longer have screenshots because I’ve since changed computers and honestly, I did not anticipate having to write this, I thought we had all agreed privately to just hate each other and move tf on, but... back to the point, in spite of her being walked through all this I still had to ask Vulgar to address how unfair she was. She might have counted finally doing so as an apology, I did not. Again, it had nothing to do with Ivy... but guess who got dragged into it anyway — again? So, we each wound up in arguments with her:

X, X, X

Vulgar apologized to me twice after this, I accepted neither apology, the first because I was hungover and I honestly and thankfully went to sleep forgot to reply. The second because, at that point it was so far in the past and her name had been kept out of both mine and Ivy’s mouths for so long, that I didn’t think it even begged addressing, I wanted to just avoid her tbh: X, X. “Look shady?” Yes. Because you sent this to me whilst still misrepresenting the entire situation to anyone who would listen, you were not sorry at all.

Ivy never got an apology in spite of being dragged into this petty bullshit against her will btw. And I think it’s pretty rich of Vulgar to claim we freely talked shit about her meanwhile sending out spicy skype messages like this about Ivy; X. Also post this vague; X, which just so happens to coincide with when Ivy refused to leave the fandom even after being stalked, harassed and having her art stolen; X

EDIT: Btw, that was really classy of you introducing me to Ivy and then privately messaging me to tell me “she’s nice but I’ll never forget she vagued about you”, then linking me to her supposed vague, like I want you guys to be friends but keep in mind not to get too close to her. Nice try Vulgar, what she posted were fucking Melanie Martinez lyrics, you played yourself. 

EDIT 2: Because wow, the shit just keeps coming out about you, doesn’t it?! I realize the irony of saying this in this post of all things, but it was really nice of you to go around telling people who were new to the fandom that I was the source of all the discomfort and drama, that I was such a horrible person who was only out to bully people and chase them away for no good reason while we were still, as you put it “best friends”, while at that stage the only drama I had been involved in was when you came to me and said you were scared and uncomfortable because of someone, you’re such a good friend Vulgar (: I really appreciate that thing you did where you tried to isolate me from everyone else in the fandom, to what fucking end?! 

“ WHAT HILAL DID TO ME ”

Imagine being 28 and so asshurt by what a teenager says about you on the internet ( ie. that you shipped underage incest at the age of 27, which you... you did, you literally did: X, X, X, X ) that you... lie to another teenager and get them to write a callout post in your stead so that you can personally avoid the backlash while still damaging the reputation of said person. If it sounds familiar, it’s because it’s exactly what Vulgar did: X , X , X , X, X.

Here’s an album of the exchange Hilal had with Mysteriia following that “call out”, note how they don’t deny who and what prompted them to make it, only dance around the topic: X.

Was Hilal in the wrong to name drop Vulgar in the first place? Yes, it shouldn’t have been brought into the public eye. However, he didn’t do it without reason and he told her that: X. He has since left her alone entirely.

So then there’s... the paedophilia drama, which we won’t go into too much detail about, but Vulgar, you participated in, you agreed with Hilal of your own volition, and then because it was no longer convenient for you to, you lied to Skitty about it to paint me and Hilal ( and for some reason Ivy who wasn’t even involved, nor even in the rp community at the time, as far as I’m aware? ) in a negative light to them: X,  X. Anyway, Hilal’s posts pertaining to this drama can be found here: X, X. It was pretty much all dash drama and it happened back in 2015, so a lot of it’s hard to dig up again, I know both Hilal and I spoke out of anger and there are a lot of things I’d do differently, so maybe I did inflame things, and if I did, I apologize. But Vulgar, I think that’s a pretty cheap thing of you to say considering I confided in you about being a CSA victim.

Also by the by, Hilal and Elle don’t even know each other, so Vulgar, you can drop the notion that we all meet up buck ass naked under every blood moon, rattling skulls and talking shit about you or whatever it is you claim is going on: X. Elle and Hilal have nothing to do with each other, funny how different people have different reasons to dislike you, almost as if you’ve done many things to hurt many people in this fandom...

Oh yeah, and:

[03:04:32] tumblr use pourir: can you say that i dropped all my fucking blogs bc of vulgar [03:04:52] tumblr use pourir: and that i had anxiety literally eating away at me for weeks because i felt i was off base

“ WHAT THEY ALL DID TO ME ”

Yeah, it sure is awful when people don’t buy into your pass agress posts and the fact that you blame all your problems on other people without taking a step back to look at how you’re treating people, isn’t it: X, X.

It’s really, truly terrible they ask you to tag something and you lose your fucking shit with them: X, X ( relevant links: 1, 2.). And again, it’s another situation where things could have been handled better from all sides, but Bellus apologized for what happened, you did not.

Heartbreaking, when you vague about them during their first week in the fandom because someone who isn’t you makes them a theme, and you passive aggressively throw ms paint quality graphics at them: X.

Completely and utterly devastating when another roleplayer blocks you and you then proceed to make them uncomfortable by repeatedly messaging them, following them on all your subsequent blogs, in spite of people literally telling you not to, and then when you’re ignored / blocked again, starting rumours that they have a crush on you and are blocking you to save their relationship until the point they get so uncomfortable they leave the fandom.

When you guilt trip someone on account of... not putting you in their follow forever??? Because they forgot??? They literally forgot??? Not like that happens with follow forevers is it??? X, X, X. Also when said person makes it publicly known that they’re feeling extremely low and would like to be left alone and you continue to pressure them into speaking to you: X, X.

Or when you do some good old fashioned general guilt tripping: X, X, X, X, X, X.

EDIT: let’s not forget, you’re notorious for pressuring people into ships, for getting asshurt and bitching about them when they don’t want to go exclusive with you or add you as a main. 

And you often fall back on telling people it’s because you have anxiety, that you can’t help but go off at people because of it. You know what, I have bpad and guess who and who alone is 100% accountable for my actions? That’s right, it’s me!! Just because you have anxiety does not mean it is a free pass to treat people badly, you are accountable for your own behaviour, you ought to apologize and do it sincerely, not because someone asks you to, not because you want to save your own skin.

“ REPEATEDLY. ”

At first I was just gonna say no to this and leave it at that. But I’m guessing this is in reference to people from the tg fandom following Vulgar on other blogs in other fandoms, so...

You can’t really argue that Hilal followed you to your bsd blog when you followed him first; X.

You can’t argue that Ivy followed you to the Naruto fandom either when you followed her; X.

And lastly, you can’t say Elle followed you to the fma fandom when again: X, you followed her first and then immediately posted this hot vague about her and everyone else in the tg fandom. And even at that, you followed her blog from your tg ones before; X. Which doesn’t exactly do anything to dispel the idea that you’re follow baiting, does it?

If this is in reference to how Ivy and I “freely talked shit about you”, we didn’t. A lot of people will vouch for the fact that they didn’t hear about anything that happened until your behaviour towards Elle catalyzed this post. 

“ HAD YOU BEEN UPFRONT WITH YOUR ALIAS ”

First and foremost, fam, change your container dimensions. Secondly, “you failed to read my rules”, okay cool, but again, you followed Elle first, she broke none of your rules by following you back, unaware of who you were, and if you wanted your rules read so desperately, it might’ve been a good shout to read idk... literally the first line of hers: X, like if rules are so important to you, you can’t claim ignorance here.

And for the record, Elle’s alias has never been hidden or changed, it’s in plain sight on all her other blogs, so as to how you pulled this argument out of your ass, idk: X, X, X, X. You knew exactly who you were following, she didn’t trick you. She made a simple mistake because, in fact, if anyone is deliberately hiding their alias, it’s you, isn’t it? Because you know: X, X, X, X.

These are the rules you claim she didn’t read / broke: X, X. Tell me how she broke them, I’ll tell you how you’re lying.

“ YOU WON’T DRIVE ME OUT OF ANOTHER FANDOM ”

Nobody was trying to do that. Nobody tried to drive you out of this fandom, we all left you alone. I don’t know how you leaped to this conclusion that this is what anyone was trying to do, based on the fact that somebody followed you by accident because you changed your alias to avoid the negative reputation which you created for yourself in this fandom.

But anyway, I said this to you when we had our dispute and I’ll say it again, you fly off the handle at the bat of an eyelash, without any consideration for anyone’s feelings but your own and you really, really hurt people because of it. If you want a clean slate, if you want to leave all of this behind you, then you owe a lot of people an apology. You’re not a blameless victim, you’re a sentient adult and it’s time to start behaving like one.