#she used a fake accent ffs

[chungledown-bimothy]

Is it weird that I have favorite scams/fraud cases?

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

078 of 2024

Created by dietgrrrl

How many pairs of converse shoes do you own?

None. I just own similar style ones.

Any other names your parents planned to give you?

My dad wanted Joris, but oh well. If I was a girl, I would be named Natalie, Rosalie, Julie or Paulina. Or Mathilda, I heard.

Are you hot?

No, I'm cold.

Which is the most beautiful place you know?

The city in Poland named Slupsk. Very beautiful city and one of my favourites.

What do you work with?

Trains. For real.

Five everyday essentials you never leave the house without?

Phone, keys, wallet, earphones, a small drink bottle.

Have you ever hit an animal with your car?

No, but my dad did.

Favorite ride at the amusement park?

None. I don't like rides.

Favorite beauty essential in your bathroom cabinet?

Shower gel lol. If it smells nice, then yeah.

Do you have many followers on your tumblr?

18 on this one, 80 or something on the main one. I don't really care, I'm too old for that.

Do you tan easily?

No, but I burn easily. Ow.

Are you expecting something in the mail?

Yeah, two packages. All travel essentials.

Do you inspire others?

I don't know, ask them.

Favorite dessert:

Cheesecake, but not American. The European one made of quark is the real cheesecake.

What do you collect?

Pens, notebooks, keyrings, lucky trees, other stationery, memories.

Do you like cats?

I love cats. I have a cat, too.

Are you healthy?

Yea I wish. I have a chronic illness and physical disability.

Have you ever been out of state?

Maybe out of state of mind. I'm European.

Can you always blame your acts on that you were just too drunk?

No. It's the most lame excuse ever. If you cant drink properly, just don't drink, ffs.

Three things you try to avoid as much as possible:

Nuts in food, awful people, wasps.

How many times have you been overseas?

Never. I always stayed in Europe.

Do you use to have someone in mind when shopping for underwear?

No. I don't buy underwear to impress others. Who can see it anyway? My husband and maybe our cat, but she couldn't care less.

Number of jeans in your closet:

I never counted, but much enough.

What accent do you have?

West-Flemish, the whole Netherlands (and the rest of Belgium) make fun of it. But we speak how we speak okay?

Where would you like to live?

I'm fine with where I am.

Do you follow fashion?

No, I don't. What's the point anyway if you want to be just yourself?

Do you have a big butt?

Oh lol. Ask my husband.

Your worst job nightmare is:

Sex work lol. Also retail and cleaning.

Who's the coolest rapper in the world?

Baas B okay :P also Sadistik, he's great and heavily underrated.

Do you count how long you and your gf/bf have been together?

6 years and counting, we're ay past the bf thing.

Have you graduated?

14 years ago.

Should you go to a dance class or a charm class?

What's charm class?

Rihanna or Lady GaGa?

Gaga, she proved she actually can sing.

Do you use fake eyelashes?

Lol no. Maybe I'd do it for lolz.

What's your worst interior design nightmare:

Overloading with colours, styles and unnecessary things.

Which was the last book that really captivated you?

Oh my, how can I choose. Probably Nala's World by Dean Nicholson, a beautiful story of a man who adopted a stray kitten and travelled around the world with her.

What are you wearing today?

Not much. It's Sunday and I don't have to do much outside.

Have you ever been so drunk that the police had to take care of you?

No, but I had my friends do it.

Are you one of those people that often feel sorry for yourself?

No. I just keep going.

Do you have a MySpace? And actually use it?

Does Myspace still exist?

What make up brands do you use?

I don't wear makeup.

What's the last vacation spot?

Poland, coming this year as well.

What's the worst kind of rejection you could give someone?

Any rejection is bad, but being rude is the worst.

Do you have a crush on someone right now?

No. I only have squishes at most.

When are one guaranteed to NOT get laid?

Me not wanting it.

Is there anyone that many people think is hot, but you don't?

Yeah, a lot of people. Mostly celebrities.

How often do you wash your hair?

Two times a week.

Who's your free pass?

I don't understand this question.

Do you sort and organize your clothes in some kind of way?

I do, once in a while. Too rarely, though.

Three persons you would like to thank:

My dad, my sister, my husband.

[carrackian]

‘Toxic’ Anime Fandoms (But I’m just angry)

Ok so this is gonna be a long stupid ramble because I (An idiot) found some articles online about toxic anime fandoms... and by god does it piss me off. SO in this essay I’m gonna incoherently scream about why these articles I found are just lacking in explanation, and then I point at the glaring flaws. Not to mention I’m using multiple articles, but they all like to use similar arguments.  Warning, I’m gonna paraphrase because these articles are long winded about literally nothing.

The Naruto fanbase is toxic because people compare everything to Naruto, and people get upset when you don’t put it in your best anime list!! Honey... HONEY, that’s how all fandoms are. Naruto was likely people’s first introduction to anime, and people are defensive over their nostalgia, I mean like you saw the uprising with the new Ben 10 and Teen Titans Go, other than the fact that they’re BAD, but people were upset and still are (which is yet again understandable)  Seriously, if I made a list that said ‘Best Things Ever’ and I didn’t include something that they liked, then I understand why someone would be upset, and maybe comment something. It’s the day in age where if you have an opinion someone will probably be upset with you.

The Deathnote fanbase is toxic because people like to say it’s good and act offended if you haven’t watched it! Well I mean... Yeah? That’s how fans of a show can act, it’s just exaggerated. I mean seriously, if someone told me they haven’t ever played Undertale, or heard anything about Homestuck- I’m gonna wonder about what part of the internet you’ve been on because I played Undertale for the first time in like 2019 thanks to how much my friends praised it, and I only got into Homestuck in very late 2020 because one of my friends went on a three hour rant about homestuck and I needed the context for so much stuff. Hell, I only have any knowledge on Deathnote because my friend took their old Deathnote Manga and gave it to me for my birthday- which was a touching gift since they really love Deathnote. 

The Hunter X Hunter fanbase is toxic because it doesn’t get attention from weebs, and the fans sometimes get angry. Seriously? That’s what we’re mad about? This is literally so fucking petty my god- next ffs.

The Jojo fanbase is toxic because ‘is that a jojo reference memes’ and because fans want you to watch Jojo. Fucking- AGAIN!? jesus christ. You wanna know how I got into Jojo? My tooth was pulled, and it was the first time I ever got any teeth pulled, so I was high as hell and spitting out blood occasionally. I didn’t want to walk home that day (for obvious reasons) and so I stayed late so I could get a ride from my friends parents. So when another mutual acquaintance came up, and he was playing the Jojo game on an emulator. This got into the three of them telling me about Jojo, but only super vague pieces of it. High off my ass I got home, binge watched like two seasons of it, and forgot everything that happened after the first episode. So I managed to get through the first season (again) before I got caught up in other things (ahem, pokemon) Not to mention that its normal to want to share something you like with other people. Back when I read books regularly I used to keep a list of books to recommend to my friends.

The Demon Slayer fandom is bad cuz too many spoilers :(  Okay? This... This doesn’t a toxic fandom make. Yeah it’s shitty, but like full fucking on- that’s not toxic?

The Dragon Ball fanbase is toxic because people think Goku is the strongest and argue about it, and it’s dying, but like I’m also proof that DBZ fans aren’t bad! Okay? And? Like I full on mean that. I’m a Dragon Ball fan and let me tell you- I’ve literally never seen a single fucking person actually say anything like that unironically- or during a power leveling video that’s an actual discussion about power scaling. Not to mention that for the most part people watch shows for the actual show? Like the plot, characters, storyline- ya know, the actual fucking show?

The Attack on Titan fanbase is toxic because fans sent death threats to the author for ending the manga. Jesus fucking christ- okay, yeah that’s toxic! So... where’s the catch? They also wrote their own endings to the manga. I swear to GOD- WHAT THE FUCK. Fanfiction has existed forever you ignoramus, bleach-snorting, styrofoam eating IDIOT. Seriously, I literally fucking rewrote the entirety of Naruto (Multiple Times over) are you gonna say that I’m Toxic? How about the multiple other hundreds of people who have literally rewritten entire works of fiction.

Now, what do I consider toxic fanbases? The top three are: Undertale, Homestuck and Steven Universe. The Undertale fandom managed to be so bad that people were actually kinda scared of it. Not to mention that it is a good game, people just went a bit too far. If you killed anyone people would send death threats, Markiplier (a really cool youtuber) had people yell at him for giving Sans a southern accent, and I mean the fact that it’s so big made it worse. The Homestuck fandom had many bad moments where some fans caused harm to others, damaged products, the girl who nearly killed herself trying to dye her skin for a cosplay, AND LITERALLY CHANGED THE CONVENTION FIELD. The Steven Universe fandom nearly killed a fan because she drew a fat character thin, they turned on the fucking creators for saying this was bad, multiple racist, sexist and homophobic things just existing while people pretend to be fake woke.

And this has been- I literally knew all of the bad fandom stuff because I lived through it. Problem is, I lived through the popularity of every single anime on this list while actively in more internet spaces, and I don’t fucking see it. Seriously, when I think of toxic anime fanbases I think about anime like Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid, where a bunch of 30 year olds get horny over a child and then say that they’re fine because she’s ACSHUALLY 2,000 years old! I mean fuck, my favorite meme is literally the- “Men be like “You’re not a real anime fan if you don’t watch ‘Is it wrong to piss on my bunny sister’s feet?’“ Like- fucking exactly. Both these fucking articles have ‘I think that when someone is a little mean or says something kinda annoying they’re TOXIC!’ Like bitch no, when I think toxic I think of the gaslighting fanbases that end up with multiple people with mental disorders or someone dead- which let me tell you, is a surprisingly large amount of fandoms? 

Anyways so I’m done, mainly because it’s like super fucking late and I’m so tired

[sagiow]

Mercy Street - Hallmark Edition

For Mercy Street Hallmark Movie day, here are the synopses of the Luke MacFarlane Christmas movies recast in Mansion House based solely on their names (no cheating, the only one I’ve watched is The Mistletoe Promise). And because it’s 2020 and the Hallmark Channel still won’t, I’ve made them all LGBTQ.

Chateau Christmas (lol ok I Iike that one)

Through a mysterious letter, still-mourning-although-it’s-been-two-years widow Mary Phinney finds out that she inherited a small, struggling vineyard and ramshackle chateau from Gustav’s unknown great-aunt in Alsace, and decides to put her veterinary practice on old for a month to evaluate her new assets. There she meets - and butts heads with -  the winery’s exacting yet artistic master vintner, Lisette Beaufort, whose guarded, veneered exterior hides also a grieving heart. Will their common care for the vineyard’s survival, appreciation for art and Gewurtzstraminer, and the magical Christmas season in picturesque Strasbourg make allies - et peut-être plus - out of these two women?

Secret scoop: Expect plenty of outdated, Emily In Paris-style French stereotypes and swooping views of Alsace that were actually shot in British Columbia.

Sense, Sensibility & Snowmen (FFS)

Following their mother’s second, ruin-saving marriage to her distant cousin, Sir Alfred Summers,  Emma and Alice Greenwood move from their native Virginia to his estate in Connecticut. There, Alice is swept on a whirlwind romance with the dashing Captain Willoughby Tallboots, under the melancholy eyes of retired officer Colonel Bullen, while Emma silently pines for her best friend and secret love, Isabella Friars. More distant cousins appear with convoluted relationships, passive-aggressive exchanges over long country walks and they probably go for a fortnight to Bath Newport before it all ends happily in a double wedding.

Bonus scene: Colin Firth emerges from the frozen lake in a wet shirt (Wrong movie? Don’t care.)

Maggie’s McBurney’s Christmas Miracle (ugh so cheesy)

Clay McBurney had landed the hottest deal of the season: planning the upstate New York wedding of Virginia heiress Emma Green to local war hero Henry Hopkins. He has booked the best location : Mansion House Lodge. It has everything: rustic yet elegant charm, breathtaking views, killer cellar, and a top celebrity chef, Pink Erton (yes, they’re that Pink Erton). However, he soon learns that Pink and him don’t exactly see eye to eye on how the Lodge should run the year’s biggest event. With a major snowstorm threatening to bring utter chaos to his carefully laid out perfect plans, and the bride’s family, total Armageddon, perhaps Matt Brannan, the gardener who used to be their army general (and could also be Santa) can help bring the magic back and save the day.... A musical ensues. 

Secret scoop: Some themes sound maybe kinda similar to Christmas Chateau? Of course they do: it’s a Hallmark Christmas movie!

The Mistletoe Promise (this one I’ve actually watched (thanks @fericita-s!) so real plot adapted)

Henry Hopkins wants to make partner at his law firm, but the company has a policy of promoting only “good family men with proper conservative values”, and he is happily single - and very, very gay. Jed Foster is running his travel agency with his ex-wife, Eliza, who now has the most irritating and single-brain celled new boyfriend, Byron. As this wasn’t bad enough, the Christmas party season is upon then, and showing up solo is not option. After meeting and commiserating in a mall food court, the two men enter an agreement to be each other’s "+1″ for the holidays to stick it to their workplaces. Could this “strictly business” arrangement (and weekend getaways to Christmassy NYC with horse-drawn carriage rides and a hotel suite with only one bed) lead to more?

Bonus scene: Henry teaches Jed how to ice-skate (shot on a shitty greenscreen + treadmill with no appreciation whatsoever of how one actually moves on skates)

Christmas Land (well that’s just terribly vague)

Real Estate developer Anne Hastings hates Christmas, which is why she always gets TF out of Chicago to spend it on a white sandy beach with many-a sweet drink and many-er sexy strangers. However, this year, her firm has the opportunity of purchasing land next to the little town of Nowell, close to the Canadian border in Vermont, to turn it into a giant, duty-free, fireworks-and-booze-and-pot selling outlet mall, and she is shipped out to strike the deal. There, she meets Charlotte Jenkins, the Georgia girl who always dreamt of a white Christmas, and who came all the way North after her husband died to open a florist/bookstore/coffeeshop, raise her two children, and hey, write a novel, why TF not, in the town she lovingly calls Christmas Land. Will Charlotte’s bright eyed goodness, delicious hot chocolate and adorable -and hammy, over-acting- kids make Anne discover the true meaning of Christmas... and perhaps even true love?

Bonus scene: There is a snowball fight that ends with them slipping and falling one on top of the other, with their laughter fading in an oh... oh moment, that’s interrupted by a kid before it gets anywhere interesting.

A Shoe Addict’s Christmas (uuuuugh whyyyyy)

Byron Hale loves shoes. He looooves them. He can never have enough, but his small bakery barely makes enough to cover rent and supplies. All this changes when he decides to take part in the Great Gingerbread Bake-Off, which whisks him off in magical Genosovia, a non-descript European country where people speak in Britishish accents. There, he meets Samuel Diggs, another competitor in the contest, whose lebkuchen with royal *wink wink* icing is the stuff of legends. Despite himself and the romance of Old Québec City Europe, Byron cannot help but slowly fall for the sweet, kind, really really ridiculously good-looking adversary. But perhaps there is something more regal *nudge nudge* to good ol’ Sam?

Bonus scene: Flour fight while baking something festive, which ends with Samuel pinning Byron to the fridge, their laughter fading in an oh... oh moment -ah crap just used that one already... ok, so let’s go with grandiose decorations in the palac---- huh town hall.

Secret scoop: Sam is a Prince. Oh that’s not a scoop? Nor secret? Damnit.

Of course, all first kisses occurs in the last scene of the movie under the mistletoe, softly falling (fake) snow and a jazzy rendition of a classic Christmas tune.

[grunge-mermaid]

grunge rewatches Doctor Who pt 2

01x06 "Dalek"

2012

they had such high hopes for 2012

that classic Cyberman head is nice

seriously, one of my favourite things about Doctor Who is that the classic series had an entirely digital theme and the new Who theme is performed by an orchestra

what on earth are those American accents

and there it is, the first appearance of a Dalek in New Who

I am giddy

I got kinda tired of the Daleks and Cybermen by the 11th doctor (why power ranger Daleks???) but nothing beats the first appearance of a Dalek

oof Christopher Eccleston's micro expressions in this scene are *chef's kiss*

I've gotten so used to Americans censoring "god damn it" that I forgot you could say it on British television

I'm gonna be completely honest: I don't actually know what a pepper pot is because I have only ever heard the term in relation to Daleks. but I'm guessing it's a pepper mill

"we discovered the cure for the common cold but we're not gonna sell it because we'll make more money selling palliatives" is just American capitalism in a nutshell

(if you're offended by how other countries portray yours in media, maybe you should look at how your country portrays itself to international audiences)

henchman: "what are you gonna do, sucker me to death?" Dalek: "yep, thanks for the suggestion!"

mocking the Dalek because you think it can't do stairs? STOP GIVING THE EVIL PEPPER POT IDEAS FOR HOW TO KILL YOU

I know Rose's constantly visible bra straps are intentional because she's supposed to be Super Realistic Human Woman and all that, but every time I see them, I want to yell at the wardrobe department for not doing their job properly (even though they did actually do their job properly)

the pronunciation of "Goddard" and "helipad" really betray the fake American accents

haven't even made it a full episode before getting distracted by garashir fanfic whoops

01x07 "The Long Game"

Bad Wolf Channel

only Jack Harkness could evolve into a giant face with the ability to get pregnant

Simon Pegg!

"ladies, gentlemen, multisex, undecided, or robot"

did they get these extras to just walk in off the street in their own clothes?

I think this is the first thing I ever saw Simon Pegg in?

that railing is supposed to be cold as ice why are you touching it with your bare hands?

Adam, you absolute piece of overcooked broccoli

Tamsin Greig!

it's amazing how so many details of this show live rent free in my head 14 years later

*looks up the actor who played Adam* ohhhhhh noooooooo

01x08 "Father's Day"

Big Dramatic Plot Point happens and I'm over giggling at garashir fanfic referencing Doctor Who. traditional earth ballad, indeed.

wait...are the Reapers here to infect the wound or to sterilize it? you're contradicting yourself, Doctor

sorry I'm really distracted by fanfic and this isn't really one of the better episodes

also it means a shorter post so maybe I shouldn't be sorry?

oh ffs the next episode is more zombies

01x09 "The Empty Child"/ 01x10 "The Doctor Dances"

it's mauve

red's camp

John Smith!

Psychic paper!

Rose is a trekkie!

oh fuck no

the only thing worse than zombies is zombie children

ok normal non-evil non-zombie children in general are also worse than zombies

those...are not the lyrics she's singing, Crave captioner person

are those even lyrics in that song?

I hate air raid sirens

you know what's really fun? when your local RCAF base decides to test the air raid sirens mere months after 9/11 without informing residents because social media didn't exist

yeah

I don't ever need to hear that sound again

Captain Jack: equal opportunity horndog

will forever do a double take at Glenn Miller when there's a village(?) just outside my hometown called Glen Miller

part 2!

do not like the gas mask POV it's making me dizzy

oh this was a Steven Moffat 2-parter?

he was much better as just a writer than a show runner

but why am I not surprised Moffat created Jack Harkness

Bananas are good

(I mean they're actually gross tho)

who looks a screwdriver and thinks 'ooh this could be a little more sonic'?

do we ever find out what happened to Jack's missing memories?

really not a fan of Moffat's recurring "motherhood is the most important role a woman can have" bullshit

(I'm assuming he wrote the Narnia Christmas special but he was still show runner at that time so I can still blame him for the misogyny)

ok that's way too cheesy an ending

I am not interested in another slitheen episode. Boom Town will have to wait for the next round.

[iamanathemadevice]

Dead Whale Carcass

Rewatched Captain America: Civil War last night, and holy crap, it’s even worse the second time around. Too long, too stupid, too ugly. I think it really just falls apart when Clint turns up to ‘rescue’ Wanda. Everyone starts to behave as if they have completely forgotten what character they actually play, and the fights become longer, sillier, and crueller.

The sheer idiocy of Tony going to a kid for help, treating him like shit, putting him in harm’s way, and then tossing him aside afterwards, for what is, in effect, a gigantic police action demanded by an authoritarian arsehole, beggars belief. (And did Tony never bother to research Ross’s background? Since he’s fascinated by Bruce Banner, you’d have thought the subject might have come up once or twice.)

Black Widow on the side of authority as represented by General Ross? For a government which was absolutely rampant with Hydra the last time we looked? (Not mentioned in the film either.)

I swear to god that Rhodey and Steve are the only two characters who continue to act in character, and true to their nature.

So many dumb plot points. Acting all surprised when fighting with heavily armed supervillains in a crowded market in Lagos does not, in fact, end without casualties, and that being the trigger for the Sokovia Accords? (How many died in New York?) 

[Oh, and let’s just talk about those Accords for a minute. They’re supposed to be putting the most enhanced and powerful people on the planet under voluntary control, and yet it’s all stick, no carrot. Ross stomps in, makes demands and threats, and yet there’s not a word about how these damn things will be enforced, what’s in it for the Avengers if they cooperate, or what will happen if the next lot of aliens come barrelling out of the sky into a major city, and Tony and Steve and Bruce and Thor are all doing each other’s toenails that night.]

No one did an ID check on Daniel Bruhl’s fake doctor? Especially considering who he was visiting and the fear of letting Bucky escape? (Oh, and they let fake doctor skip out without too much difficulty there, too.)

They let a former close friend of the ‘criminals’, someone who is a tech genius, into an underwater* prison, and don’t detain him when the audio mysteriously goes dead while he’s talking to one of the ‘criminals’?

Speaking of prisons, are they really planning to keep Zemo in a chair inside a plastic box for the rest of his life so Martin Freeman can inflict his shitty American accent on him forever? I mean, Zemo isn’t enhanced. He’s not even a particularly valuable asset. What’s the point? [This movie’s solution to a lot of problems is to lock people into plastic boxes, actually.]

*Why underwater, ffs?

I think the single thing that represents just what a lot of poorly thought out pants this movie is, is Natasha’s hair. It’s stupid. She’s a masterful hand to hand fighter, and is shown going at it any number of times with similarly skilled fighters. And yet none of them grab that long, implausibly well-groomed barnet and control her with it. This obvious method of concealing the stuntwoman make Natasha look like a fool, like the chainmail bikini gals on the front of spankbank books aimed at teenaged boys. It’s not taking Nastaha seriously, which is the problem with the entire film and the team.

So the movie is like a dead whale’s carcass. You kinda can’t not look, though it’s bloated, rotting and gross. You can’t move around it without the stink following you. And you can’t blow it up and pretend it doesn’t exist, without showering everything else with bits of oozing blubber and yuck.

If someone had got to it before it had started to go off, the useful parts could have been salvaged, and it could have been a tense, tight film about shifting team dynamics, changing loyalties, and the legacy of wildly different backstories. 

But no. It’s just a dead, stinky whale, and best walked away from before it explodes all over you.

[nobodies-png]

Actor AU: 1.The first few days everyone is really intimidated by Xaldin, but turns out he is a big softy who brings the teenagers snacks. 2. Riku has a lot of brothers, under which Sephiroth. No one likes it when they visit bc they are all assbutts. 3. Vani and Sora get mixed up more often than Ven and Rox even though Rox and Ven are identical twins. 4. Reno, Axels older brother is quite popular with the cast.

you, yOU right here I like your style so here are A LOT of Actor AU headcanons because I was I N S P I R E D

Originally, Vanitas was supposed to be Sora’s stunt double and MoCap actor for the games cause he didn’t have the vibes of the Basic Nice Naive Anime Protagonist Guy(tm) they needed. B u t, Sora being Sora he BEGGED the studio to give Vanitas an actual role - which he absolutely fucking ROCKED it with his psycopath laugh and villain attitude. 

Also recording with these two is almost impossible. Sora loses his shit whenever he has too see Vanitas’ edgy scenes and Vanitas literally needs to go outside whenever Sora has an epic “friendship is everything” moment. But even if the two are relatively new, they’re absolutely lovely to work with. 

Riku comes from a family of popular actors (cause you just can’t find an entire family of hot guys with that kind of natural cool silver hair anywhere else) and struggles to prove that he can do well on his own, without the help of his brothers getting him easy roles here and there. B U T that doesn’t stop Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo from dropping by every single fucking Friday to check in their baby brother. Needless to say, if it weren’t for Kingdom Hearts, Riku would’ve been the fourth Sephiroth remnant in FF Advent Children. Young Xenahort is also a relative of his ! 

Acting is also a relatively new thing for Kairi since her main thing is singing and dancing. Also also, everyone thinks Kairi, Xion and Namine are related but they’re just really really similar ! They are super close and often joke about being sisters, though. Kairi was supposed to be the main actress in 358/2 Days, but her idol career forced her to leave for a while - letting her stunt double Xion replace her for the time being. She quickly became a fan favorite and got to keep that role ! 

Literally EVERYONE was intimidated by the Organization XIII actors because they’re all pros and super professional - and it didn’t help that Larxene stayed in-character out of set for like the first few weeks just to tease the others and see their reactions. She also convinced Xigbar to do the same, so imagine being stuck in a room with these two.

Lexaeus and Xaldin are by far the most intimidating members - but they’re also the type to always ask the other actors if they’re okay after shooting fighting scenes with them and apologize in case they got hurt ! Unlike the character he plays, Demyx is always the first one to arrive at the studio and Saix always arrives late because he lives with Axel - who insists on doing his own hair each morning. So y’know. 

Marluxia is a little cryptid who always manages to take sneaky pictures of other actors in the middle of sneezing or doing funny faces - which he ALWAYS posts to his instagram. He got blocked by Larxene after he posted a video of her ugly crying because of the KH3 ending. They’re actually best childhood friends, don’t worry. 

While Vexen actually has knowledge of science and Smart Shit ™, Zexion has no fucking idea of what the fuck he had to explain for the entirety of KH3. But he does love to read, which is why he bonded with Belle ! Luxord used to work at a casino and he likes to impress and show off by doing sick card tricks. Also his british accent is fake, i’m sorry it had to be said.

Xemnas is actually the Mom Friend of the entire group. No one knows how he does it, but he always has an answer and solution for everything - you forgot your organization coat home ? It’s fine, he has a spare. Need a buddy to rehearse with ? He knows the lines, practice with him. Lost your weapon prop ? He j u s t saw Demyx and Roxas playing outside with it, go fetch. Need a ride home ? He’s got you.

Sora is a big fan of the Final Fantasy franchise so he flipped his shit when he found out he was gonna be working with Cloud ! Also he’s been lowkey trying to convince Nomura to cough maybe cough add a certain prince of Lucii cough for the future games (who also happens to love KH a lot) On the other hand, Riku l o v e s TWEWY and spent the first few days too flustered to actually talk to Neku and the rest during the production of DDD.

To this day, only three people know the actual identity of the Master of Masters : Nomura, Xigbar and the Master himself ! Everyone is super pissed and intrigued about this - specially the foretellers, who keep pestering and trying to trick Xigbar into revealing the p l o t twist.

[cesperanza]

Endgame babbling

Random list of things I loved (most things) and some things I didn’t love as much:

Things I really liked!

* time travel!

* space travel!

* a goddamned de-aging machine! 

* Steve is worthy!

* Thor loves his Mom!

* Clint’s decline - which I was wtf about, except then I was like OH Clint needs to become a fallen assassin so Natasha can save him the way he saved HER, that’s why he had to have that fallen arc: it’s a parallel! (I love parallels!) (Also Natasha falling like Bucky from the train was a parallel - it’s love, it’s love.)

* Steve the worst therapy group leader ever! - which I was wtf about, but astolat and I talked it over and we realized that it was Steve doing Sam’s job to honor him, and that’s why Sam has to do Steve’s job now: “Pal, I led your damn therapy group for five fucking years, now you do my job for a while ok?” 

* Natasha, head of what’s left of SHIELD - because the other person she respects besides Clint is Nick Fury, so she’s doing his job because HE can’t

* Steve would make you dinner except it would depress you, lol

* There is a universe where Loki escaped with the tesseract!! 

* There is a universe where Rumlow, that schmuck, thinks Captain America is Hydra and so is going to blow the whole game early, lol, the first minute he Hail Hydra’s Steve BACK--whoops!

* I personally really like Steggy, and neither Steggy nor Steve/Nat nor BuckyNat have ever felt really competitive with my Stucky, for whatever reason (unusually for me; I normally don’t do multiples) but also--like, it’s really clear to me that in this canon Steve understood that he could have a life with Peg literally between one breath Bucky took and the next - and we see it happen, and they tell us what happened: that Steve can have as much time as he needs and still be back in five minutes.  Peg is basically in a pocket universe for Steve, which you can make as much of as you want. (I want to make lots of different things of it, actually to run out several contradictory ideas of it, cause that’s FUN for me.)

* Steve Rogers got his accent back! Natasha likes peanut butter sandwiches!  (That was some serious Avengers Tower type communal house shit there!)

* JAMES D’ARCY--first actor to cross from TV, and well deserved! Jarvis ILU. 

* Nebula - who I really didn’t give a damn about, but who came alive for me as a real person. (I personally didn���t like GOTG and didn’t see the 2nd one; ymmv.)

* ScarJo and RDJ were the standout acting talents in this movie, IMO; they acted the shit out of the material they were given. I actually have Plans for Nat - yes, I totally know just the Nat story I want to write, ahaha, death zero obstacle to that story - but with Tony, I mean: I love Tony, I really do, and I especially love Tony and Steve as brothers, but I feel like I have space in that five year gap to tell a lot of the stories I might tell about Tony and Steve’s relationship; YMMV, and I do think people who write Tony got--like, they got good canon, but they got the hardest canon to work with, IMO. OTOH, Tony is a genius, and we know he left that one virtual message; I’d personally lay cash money that Tony has other tricks up his sleeve, I’m just saying. (Voted most likely to have uploaded his consciousness in High School, and also most likely to be a guy you would bother to go back in time to consult if, say, you had a time machine...)

* Did I mention that Steve Rogers has a time machine, de-aging tech, Moljnir, and access to a spacecraft??

Things I liked rather less:

* the fat suit - I actually didn’t mind drunk and playing video games!Thor, but the fat suit was straight up het male anxiety; actually, more controversially, I didn’t love “America’s ass” either because (sigh, and I sound like my mother), I found it coarse, but also (less like my mother) it also reads to me as het male anxiety; dude, it’s okay; men can survive being the object of the gaze for ten seconds.  Signed--All the Women on God’s Green Earth

*  Tony, Steve, and Thor fight Thanos like five times, which--for me--was too many times!  Those fights were too long, and Natasha and Clint’s love-fest fight to die was TOO SHORT, IMO.  Thank goodness the ending battle was short, too - I can’t do anymore giant battles like that, they’re just depressing and dull at this point.  What is scale anymore? 

* Weirdly, I didn’t love the pan at Tony’s funeral - everyone felt pasted in, boo.  It was like a collage of movie posters rather than a community--Marvel, take your victory lap later, this is Tony’s funeral ffs.  I don’t want everyone standing apart with the casts of their films - why bother to bring them there if they look CGI’d?

* I didn’t love the “girl power” moment because to me, it felt fake and pandering; those women are very, very different and just grouping them all in one hero shot felt very unearned--those are not people who should be fighting in one big group

In closing, Steve Rogers has a TIME MACHINE, DE-AGING TECH, MOLJNIR, and a GODDAMNED SPACESHIP--OH, AND BUCKY BARNES IS ALIVE! 

[harrytheehottie]

Idk how I feel about the whole accent thing cause my sister isn’t a Harry stan but she watched camille’s vogue video and she was like wtf that’s weird (my sister is also 22 btw she’s not like 14 or anything lol) especially cause we are both bilingual and that never happens to us but the amount of tiktoks I see people make about it is weird to me :/// like idk sometimes people take it too far

but the thing is even if it is “fake” or “try hard” does it actually effect anyone’s day to day life? she’s just showing us how she does her makeup ffs

[tellywoodtrash]

sanjivani 10.10.19 lb

"no! never!" siddhu pls. jhoot aata nahi toh bolte kyun ho?

ishani literally shoved a needle into her finger to get out of this hellish situation. #relatable.

SIR PLS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!!?!?!? THAT TOO WITH THAT PARTICULAR EXPRESSION?!?! KYA KEEMAT REH GAYI HAI TUMHARI "NOOOOOO!!!! NEVERRRR!!!!" KI AB???????

ALSO MY GOD FUCK THAT TITLES CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DESERVE TO HAVE AN UNOBSTRUCTED VIEW OF THIS SCENE FFS! ALSO TO GIF!!!!!!1

ouff kya haiiiiiiii yeh banda???? sexy sucking on her finger one minute, pretending to RAWR like a 5 year old and breaking into giggles the next. kyaaaa karooooon main iska???????

(also holy shit that one deep sigh he did in the middle. fuck. fuckkkkkkkkk.)

ugh they're too stinking cute.

i would kill for all of anjali's saris. (and just her general demeanor.) i too wanna be a classy, badass, sari wearing type who strikes the fear of god into the hearts of grownass men.

*looks down at the cat nightshirt i'm still wearing even though i woke up 6 hours ago and sighs*

i love this side of shashank that only comes out with anjali. it's fucking adorable. i need more of it.

OH GOD NOW WHAT MORE SACH THAT JUHI NEEDS TO KNOW?!?!??!? OUFF YAAR WHY WON'T YOU LET ME LIVE IN PEACE WRT AT LEAST ONE DYNAMIC IN THIS SHOW?????

oh ho anjali. what can juhi do if he can't regulate his bp?????? like..... ajeeb hi accusations hain tumhari.

how many more signs from the universe will you two idiots keep ignoring?????

the universe, literally:

"good morning!"

"good morning."

"kaahe ki good morning?!?! raat ka tera nasha utraa nahi aur aa gaye tere dr. sid, subah subah tujhe behkaane!"

LMAO I REALLY REALLY LOVE ALTER!EGO ISHANI.

"haaye ishani, tu kaam kaise karegi? jeeyegi? ya pal pal tadap ke maregi????"

lmaooooo phir shut up chilaaa diya.

"excuse me???? subah subah chai ki jagaah kuch lagaake aayi ho kya???" lololololol a most pertinent question.

juhi has had enough of this slander. rightfully so.

sayantani's sass face is excellent and i love her.

juhi making desperate plea to be friends.

REJECTED. oh anjali, i don't see you being no. 2 in your dad's life, at all. he's so different around you. you're comparing wholly different relationships.

oh. anjali doesn't care that shashank loves someone. ("mere dad pyaar deserve karte hain.") it's just that it's juhi, who's just a few years older than her. valid, i suppose. iss chakkar mein the daughter in legally blonde ne toh khoon hi kar diya tha, toh i guess anjali's relatively restrained.

ofc kal ke liye scheduled operation has complications and has to be done today.

i don't get what specialty these two are? i thought they were general surgery residents, but now they're gonna operate on a cardio patient with blockages in his heart??? matlab........ ok i guess?

will we finaaaaaaaaallllly see rahul today???

nope. koi dr. basu hai.

OH GOD, THEY KILLED THAT PREGNANT GIRL. AND ARE LETTING HER BODY DECOMPOSE?!!? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! WHAT. THE. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

JESUS VARDHAN, WHAT THE FUCK KINDA VAADEIN HAVE YOU DONE AND TO WHOM?!!?!?!? THE FUCKING DEVIL HIMSELF?????

I NEED SHASHANK AND SID TO FIND OUT ABOUT THIS AND KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUTTA YOU IN THE SANJIVANI LOBBY. ANJALI AND ISHANI SHOULD GET TURNS TOO, AND GET TO KICK YOU RIGHT IN THE FUCKING HEAD.

oh boy, it's gonna be sweet puchku neil who's gonna get all up in this. PLEASE GOD HE'S TOO NICE AND SWEET AND MELLOW, HE WON'T BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT.

vardhan's relentless faux!chivalry when dealing with women freaks me out. it's so obvious that it's fake as fuck, but he just cannot stop compulsively performing it whenever around a woman. it's very very very creepy and menacing.

literally fuck you vardhan. don't be gaslighting my neil like this.

doesn't look like sid and ishani are gonna make it out in time for jessi's mehendi/sangeet.

ugh, this asshole.

god that was one longasssssss surgery.

oh boy. is jessi ok?!?!

oh. shit.

sigh. the chemo is making her hair fall.

oh man, this is the sweetest fucking story. and i'm really really invested, coz vedika is selling it so wellll. the alternating fond reminiscing and teary frustration. such a compelling actress!

LMAO RISHABH, LEARN TO READ THE ROOM MAN. WHY ARE YOU SUCH A LOSER?!?!

neil and rahil are both suchhhhhhh snarkLords, but at the opposite ends of the spectrum. while neil delivers his sass all sweetly, barely letting the person know they're being dissed; rahil gives less than zero fucks and just savagely destroys the person, and walks away humming to himself.

seriously, will i ever get over how soft this boy is? forget a male lead in fiction, how often do we even get to see men in real life even, get this affected by a side effect of being sick like this, especially when it's something "vain" like hair? men don't really understand what hair is to most women, and how much identity is attached to it, and even the slightest alterations to how it looks can affect mood/sense of self worth. and this dude here is crying with jessi about the loss of her hair (actually the loss of her life as she knows it), coz he empathizes with her to that extent.

with every passing episode, i love and appreciate siddhant mathur more and more. :’))))))

ugh fuck this douche. why the f is he wearing sunglasses indoors at like 9 in the fucking night????

"dr. shashank, aap hindustan ke sabse behtareen neurosurgeon hain, dimaag ke doctor. pata kar lijiye, ke vardhan ke dimaag mein chal kya raha hai."

"that i will, pakka, i promise you! aur jis din mujhe koi ganda sa tumour nazar aa gaya na, usse wahin ke wahin operate karke nikaal denge."

GODDAMN. KAHIN DR. SHASHANK RAHIL KE BHI PAPA TOH NAHI, COZ FUCK, THE LEVEL OF SAVAGERY.

GOD I HATE VARDHAN SO MUCH, I TOH SAY IDHAR HI SCALPEL SE CHEER-PHAAD DAALO SAALE KO. HARAAAMI INSAAN.

chandni's asha accent keeps slipping in and out. :///

god juhi looks so good.

gurdeep has really glowed up with age, she looks even better now than she does in the flashbacks to S1.

damn, ishani's social skills have really grown exponentially. she's being even more effective than sid at consoling jessi, which..... honestly, my heart is so full rn.

also god, i'm so so so glad surbhi's finally back in form. finally this show is using her potential, with the comedy and these kinda heartfelt emotional scenes.

ok time for self-love hype talk. kinda ehh, but i like the spirit.

sid needs to be a motivational speaker. matlab.... wow.

ah fuck, i held out for this long, but lost it at this shot of ishani and sid crying together. fuck i love them both so much.

———————————————————————

Y'ALL ARE RUINING MY GODDAMN LIFE, YOU STUPID FUCKS.

(though i did catch a glimpse of a BTS of this scene and know what's coming up and pfffffffft, bedagarkkk ho tum dono ka.)

[gingerstorm101]

A Little To Late Chapter 6

Summary: Years after ZIva’s death, Tony finds out she was keeping a secret from him.

FF

AOL

The lab feels like it it’s getting colder the long he stands there. His blood is cool in his vain as he watches the video play before him. Part of him couldn’t believe it was true, but the other part was slapping him on the back of head for not realizing it beforehand.

“There is a 98% match that the shooter is from Tali’s height.”

“Of course.” He scoffs. Just who are these people that raised his daughter? Were they ex-Mossad officers? Terrorist? Who! “I couldn’t just have a normal daughter. I just happen to get the mini killing ninja for a daughter.” He rubs his eyes with both hands, trying to come to terms with this new development.

Abby smirks from where she stands. “Well, you liked Ziva being a trained mossad assassin.”

Twirling around to look at her, he glares. “That was different! Ziva was an adult when she first killed someone!”

“Barely.”

“She was in the army before she was in Mossad. She was trained by professionals, not by a pair of fake parents.”

She goes quiet for a bit, walking up to him and placing both hand on his shoulders. “Tony, you have to go get her, bring her in for questioning.” He nods, pulling the woman in for a hug before thanking her.

***

Walking into the bullpen, Tony informs his team. “It was Tali, she killed Morgan and blamed David for the murder.”

The room goes silent. “Are you sure boss?” O’Riley asks.

“How?” Sandra questions from her seat. “She’s only a child.”

“Never underestimate anyone, this girl has been missing for eight years, who knows what she has learned in that time.” He goes to stand in front of his computer and pulls up the simulation he had Abby make. Playing it, he points out to his two agents the match. “There is almost a 100% match between Tali’s height and the killer.”

“That would explain the lack of defense wounds.” Came Sandra’s response.

Looking around, Tony finds something off. “Wait, where is McGoo? He’s missing the best part!” He looks at the clock, 6pm. “I’ve been down in the lab for over an hour!”

Sandra looks over at the senior field agent’s desk. “He should be back by now.” She pauses for a second. “I’ll try his cell.” She picks up the phone and dials the man’s number. “Straight to voicemail. His phone must be off.”

“Why would our McGeek turn off his cellphone, especially in the middle of a case?”

“You don’t think…?”

HIs musing was brought to a halt when O’Riley suddenly stands up from his desk. “Boss, we got an incoming video call.”

Tony looks up at him, his jaw slack. “Sandra, call Abby, get her to track this call. O’Riley, connect us and put it on the big monitor.” He orders, stepping towards the big screen.

The monitor goes black for an second before light flashes on the screen. A moment later McGee shows up on the screen. Behind him, Sandra and O’Riley audibly gasp. The agent was sitting in a wooden chair in the middle of the room, what looks like his hands and feet bound to together, tied to the chair.

“Tim.”

The camera turns and young Tali’s face appears on the screen. “I wondered when you were going to figure it out, Agent DiNozzo.” She says, her accent thick, placing the camera down so she can walk around to the back of the chair with a knife in her hand.

Clenching his fist, calmly he speaks to her. “Let him go Tali.”

The little girl giggles, raising her knife up and pressing it against McGee’s neck. “You will have to find us first.” And with that, the feed is cut and they are greeted with snow.

“Boss,” O’Riley says from his desk, his phone at his ear. “Abby has a location.”

***

The overcast sky threatens to rain when Tony pulls up to an abandoned building located in the middle of the city. A moment later, a second car pulls up with Sandra and O’Riley in it, as they get out, they all pull out their guns and head for the front door.

“We are here to arrest Tali, not to kill her.” He looks to his team, seriousness in his eyes. “Remember, she is just a child who was trained to kill. And we need to get those who trained her as well, to get them to admit what they did to her. Got it?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Yes, boss.”

Nodding, Tony raises his gun, glancing behind him to make sure his team was ready. With another nod, he kicks down the door.

The room was empty and dark, he pulls out his flashlight. His agents come up beside him, their flashlights pointing around the room. Tony’s light landing on the open door from across the room. Without saying a word, he walks towards the door. Sandra pushes herself up against the wall and O’Riley positions himself in front of the door, his gun at the ready. Tony opens the door the rest of the way, ready for a shooter to come out. But nothing came, just stairs. Sandra was the first one to go through the door, followed by O’Riley and then himself.

Up the stairs they went, their guns pointed up to the next level. Sandra came to the door on the second level and opens it. “Boss, you need to see this.” She whispers. Walking into the room on the next floor, he finds two bodies laying on their backs on the floor, two males, both with gunshot wounds to the forehead.

“Do you think she did this?”

O’Riley’s question felt like a punch to a gut. Could they help a child who not only murdered one person who never harmed them, but possibly be the killer of two more adults? “Maybe they were here to help Tali do whatever she is here to do?” Sandra offers.

“Who knows.” Walking around the dead bodies, he heads to the back of the room where he sees another door. Looking back to his agents, he gestures towards the door before walking towards it. Standing in front of the door, Sandra takes the door handle in her hand and O’Riley presses himself against the wall beside the door. Opening it, they find McGee still tied to the chair and Tali standing behind him with a gun to his head. Scanning the room to find no one else, they walk in.

“How nice for you to join us, agents.”

“Where are your teammates, Tali?” Tony asks, his gun pointed on the little girl.

She smirks, unnerving him. “You already saw them, I left their bodies out in the hallway.”

“And what about those who raised you?” He pushes, taking a step towards her.

She pushes the gun harder against McGee’s temple. “Ah! Stay where you are DiNozzo!”

Gulping, he stays where he is. “I know who you are Tali.” Tali glares at him hard, her lips turning into a frown. “I know you’re my daughter.”

“I’m no daughter of yours. I know you did it!” She growls, pointing the gun at him.

“Did what?” He raises his voice.

“You killed my mother!”

“Your mom and I were best friends! Why would I be part of the reason she’s dead? I’d do anything to save her! I crossed the planet to see her! How do you think you came to be?”

Her voice becomes quiet, the gun settling itself back on McGee’s temple. “All it takes is an order for someone to end up dead.”

“Is that why you’re here? Under orders Tali?” She doesn’t say anything, quiet for a few moments. Tony lowers his gun. “Who ordered the assassination of Ziva, Tali?”

“You did.”

[dracox-serdriel]

Lament of the Asphodels - Epilogue: The Cornucopia of Demeter

Lament of the Asphodels

Title: The Munificence of Demeter Author: Dracox Serdriel Artist: @liamjcnes Artwork: Post 1 | Post 2 Word count: 1,400 Rating: NC-17/Explicit (except on FF) Warnings: Graphic descriptions of violence, Graphic sexual content, Declaration/threats of sexual violence, Minor character death, Social stigmatization/abuse, Detailed descriptions of hopelessness/depression/inner turmoil, Descriptions of the effects of extreme phobias/social anxiety, including anthropophobia, thalassophobia/hydrophobia, and hylophobia/dendrophobia, Descriptions of shipwrecks and storms at sea

Read Lament of the Asphodels on FF, AO3, LJ, or start at the beginning on Tumblr. Written as part of @captainswanbigbang.

Epilogue: The Munificence of Demeter

To avoid Manticore-inspired panic from each new arrival, Emma and Killian abandoned the sidewalk - and Pegasus and the Manticore - for the interior of the Library. By the circulation desk, they all gathered together: Henry, Snow, Charming, Baby Neal, Regina, Robin Hood, Belle, Mr. Gold, Granny, Red, Doctor Whale, Ashley, Sean, Jefferson, Zelena, Blue, Doctor Hopper, August, Ariel, Eric, Abigail, Frederick, Mr. Smee, and dozens of other faces they thought they'd never see again.

After much jubilation and far too many embraces to number, Killian inquired after the state of the town, and Emma, the cause for the entirety of the town collecting in the Library.

And with many voices they answered.

No one agreed on exactly when it began. A few said it was as soon as Emma made her leave. Others insisted it was the day after, when Mr. Gold and the rest of the rescue party returned without the Savior. And a handful - by far the loudest and most willing to interrupt, given that Grump was among them - claimed that it was several weeks before anything went truly amiss.

Despite the discrepancy of when it started, not one person argued how it began, for a consensus had long ago been reached in that regard. It was when the enchantment that kept a Land without Magic at bay fell with neither warning nor report.

At first this led to nothing more than a rise in belligerent fauna. (And, to this day, many residents of the town will insist that, despite its name, a Land without Magic has its dragons, which, for some reason, are called moose.)

Many attempts were made to restore the barrier, but they all failed. As it seemed more of a nuisance than a true ill, the dwarves took action, setting up deterrents around the town line and shooing away whatever they could with their pick axes.

But then people - confused and ornery people - found their way into Storybrooke. Most departed as quickly as they arrived, scowling at their out-of-date maps and devices, but some did not go so quietly. They became enamored of the town - either from its charm or its mystery - and only relented when Regina and Blue resorted to a memory spell.

Again, attempts at re-enchanting the town line - this time countless in number - failed, lingering at best for a few hours before fading away.

As the weeks turned to months, increasingly drastic measures were taken to avoid the onslaught of tourists. At first, stores locked their front doors and hoisted "CLOSED" signs in their windows, but this only resulted in angry visitors pounding on the doors. (Granny admitted that they might've done better had they considered that resident shoppers were clearly visible to anyone outside the door, but, of course, hindsight is twenty-twenty.)

So then they boarded up windows and abandoned their shops during the day, hoping a ghost town would deter traffic and visitors alike. They set up fake detours and roadblocks, which were quite effective until an official from the Maine Department of Transportation showed up to investigate a shockingly high volume of complaints.

That was when truly drastic measures had been taken.

As the plan required unlawful deception, Snow yielded her mayoral seat to Regina, who, beyond having no qualms with lying, also had twenty-eight years to familiarize herself with the complex government of this land and was at far less of a loss than anyone else. Everything went according to plan, save for a bit of poorly timed desperation and bad paper work.

Thus, Storybrooke was declared a quarantine zone for a deadly outbreak of an unnamed weaponized biological agent in the same month as it was declared a critical habitat for the northern long-eared bat. As of yet, no one from the government has seemed any the wiser, and after confirming the town's abandonment, promptly sealed off the three major roads leading into it.

But, of course, the town was not abandoned. The residents had merely hidden away in the catacombs beneath the Library. And their oddly achieved success was well-timed, for that was when the weather soured, becoming thrice as bitter as any winter they'd ever had. Each day brought punishing storms that uprooted trees and tore at roofs and windows before vanishing abruptly.

Only the bravest dared to venture outside during the lull between storms, and those who did discovered that the weather was not the only danger awaiting them.

Monsters of every shape and size roamed the streets and woods, often incited by the whims of the tempests, rampaging with the winds and hail.

Even the most stubborn of residents finally took refuge in the Library, for Mr. Gold (and - though he would never admit it - Blue) cast layers of charms and spells and enchantments, for only the most intricate of magicks provided protection from monsters and storms alike.

But Storybrooke was far from defeated.

Hunting parties set out each morning to drive the creatures into the woods, where portals that led to the Enchanted Forest were cleverly hidden to transfer as many as they could catch. Those that could not hunt crafted countermeasures to keep the beasts at bay. It was a crawling but steady pace, gradually turning the tides in their favor. Until at last - just one week previous - the most vicious tempest to ever touch Storybrooke descended on the town and drove the last of the monsters away.

And then the storm broke.

With hope and trepidation, they began to repair and rebuild the town, though they always returned to the Library at nightfall - or at any hint of a coming storm - for fear of being caught in an even more powerful tempest, though a storm had not so much as brewed on the horizon in the past seven days.

Once the many voices finished their tale, Henry asked, "But what about you? Were you in the Underworld for all six months? How did you escape?"

"That's actually a much longer story," Emma replied.

"Aye, lad," Killian added. "And, as to our escape, we had help."

A chorus of voices asked, "From who?"

"You," Emma replied. "All of you. Everyone here helped us get home."

"Everyone here," Killian repeated. "And many who are no longer with us."

"No longer with us?" Henry asked. "You mean... you mean like Graham?"

"Yeah, kid, Graham," she responded. "And my grandparents, Eva and Leopold, and the Apprentice, Greg and Tamara, Killian's brother Liam."

"And Milah," he said. "And, though he didn't mean to, Peter Pan helped us a little. Even Cora did."

"My mother?" Regina asked skeptically.

"More your father than she," Killian replied. "But, it's true, without her we might never had made it home."

"Before we get into all of that," Emma suggested as she intertwined her hand in his. "Maybe we should see if we can't seal off the town again, huh?"

------

From the moment the Fates weaved two golden threads into one, a wail of bitter beauty sounded from the deep, equal parts mourning and ecstasy cast about by the wind. And those that heard it knew it was the tears of the asphodels.

These were not the flowers of Elysium, the incorruptible isles deeply stirred from joy, where the righteous dead reside free from toil and virtuous heroes rested evermore, untouched by sorrows. Nor were they the flowers of Tartarus, where gloom and fire enveloped mortals, deities, and titans alike with unending torments as punishment for their wickedness.

No, neither monsters no heroes - the mighty nor the feeble - took their final rest in the Asphodel Fields. It was a place for those whose work was complete, and so, the flowers there knew neither torment and fire nor bliss and glory. They discerned two things, and two things only: peace and beauty.

So when the asphodels wept in elation and grief, it was not for loss or for freedom, but instead for two shattered souls healed into one, the most impossibly beautiful thing to exist in any realm.

And when the asphodels weep, the world is changed.

-----------

The last of the winter came down from the north in wailing waves that corrupted spring's fine morning dew, cruelly cutting down anything that dared to grow before the last of its savage, slackening grasp.

And yet, not too far from the Library, an entire field bloomed in open defiance of the frost, spared by the power of someone who had not set foot in this realm - nor any other like it - for a very, very, very long time.

Persephone hadn't meant to linger, but her curiosity outmatched both her caution and her manners. Why would her husband let a mortal free from his realm? In all her years, he had never once allowed such a thing, not for gift nor service nor threat nor promise. And yet he relented, and not just for any man, but a man who already cheated his mortal's fare for centuries.

Had she been gone for so long that those rules were gone? Or had her husband been the one to change in their time apart.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" someone asked.

Persephone recognized the voice, but she couldn't believe it. She turned with deliberation, her breath held and her eyes downcast for fear that, somehow, the truth might yet rob her of this, the one joy she'd coveted - the one she herself had prayed for - since her wedding day. Even after she caught sight of his boots - dragon hide and wrought iron with accents crafted from a Harpy's feather - she dared not look up.

Hades reached out to her, letting his knuckle sit just below her chin. Then, ever so carefully and ever so gently, he lifted until her eyes met his own.

"How... how are you here?" she asked.

"Can't a husband surprise his wife?"

Did it matter how he came to be here? He was here now. And at once, Persephone's mind began to race with possibilities, with all the places she could share with him now that he could walk in the realms of the living at her side.

As if he'd read her thoughts - and, after a fashion, he had done something akin to that - he smiled with the brilliance of ivory dreams clinging to his every feature and loosed a lighthearted laugh.

Unwilling to waste another moment, Persephone took hold of Hades and kissed him soundly under the glowing ebb of the springtime sun.

---------

As was written before, there are some truths that no living mortal may remember, be they Killian Jones, Emma Swan, or any of the countless number who have since heard their adventures.

Perhaps that is why no one can say with true authority what part of that which follows is truth or legend or pure and wild invention.

It is said that Killian Jones and Emma Swan lived seventy five years with a shared heart before Atropos cut the golden thread that bound them as one soul. They defeated villains, tamed monsters, and protected their home while raising their family in Storybrooke. Their children - and their children's children - all tell the story of the man who sacrificed himself to rid the world of darkness and the woman who refused to surrender him even to death. She disappeared into the earth to find him again, and six months later, they rose like the first sprigs of green in the spring's thaw.

And on that magnificent day, so joyous was the occasion, that every realm had a reprieve: not even a single soul passed to the Underworld from that sunup to the next.

But like so many of the tales mortal tell of the hereafter, the truth of it remains a mystery, or, as the saying remains, only the asphodels know.

End-of-chapter notes: Demeter was the goddess of the harvest and agriculture in Greek mythology. One of her symbols was the cornucopia, the horn of plenty, which represented abundant nourishment.

For next and previous chapters, proceed to the Lament of the Asphodels main Tumblr page.

[ellanainthetardis]

Prompt: Haymitch comes back drunk one night. And while Effie is helping him. He hits her. Doesn't remember. She says nothing. And then he remembers later

here you go! (mobile formating is shitty so maybe check it out on ff ;) ) [X]

Help & Pink Band-Aids

The penthouse was dark when she came back and that, in her experience, was never a good thing. It wasn’t late enough that Haymitch would have gone to bed yet and even if he hadn’t been around, Avoxes would have switched the lights on for their eventual return. A dark penthouse meant Haymitch had fallen asleep before it had grown dark or, more likely, that he was passed out drunk somewhere.

With a long suffering sigh, Effie dropped her purse on the small table in the hallway and made her way to the living-room, wondering if other escorts had such terrible difficulties with their victors. She had been working for Twelve for three years now and it wasn’t getting any better. Or easier.

Unsurprisingly, when she switched on the lights there was a low grunt of pain coming from somewhere at the other end of the room. It didn’t take her long to find Haymitch. He was huddled in a corner, an empty bottle had rolled away from him and there was a half-empty one clutched against his chest. His eyes were glassy and unseeing, he didn’t seem to be able to keep his head properly up and he smelt foul. There were dark stains on his shirt and pants.

She suspected he had been sick at some point but she would leave that for the Avoxes to find and clean out.

She let out another sigh. “What have you done to yourself now, Haymitch?”

His eyes tracked her every move when she carefully gathered the silk of her dress and crouched in front of him. She placed a hand on his knee, not entirely surprised when his leg jerked under her touch.

“It is me. Only me.” she said quietly, gently. She had learned the hard way a spooked Haymitch was difficult to deal with. A wasted one now… A wasted one wasn’t the worst. He would be a dead weight and it would be difficult to drag him to his bedroom but if he was wasted enough he became cuddly and starved for human touch. He might hate her when he was sober but when he was that drunk he didn’t mind her presence so much. “You know who I am, don’t you?”

He slurred something that might have passed for her name so she smiled her brightest dazzling smile.

“Exactly.” she grinned. “Now, you cannot be comfortable on that cold hard floor… How about we get you to bed?”

He blinked and then shook his head, looking wary.

She pursed her lips. “Come on, Haymitch, do not be difficult. I cannot leave you here.”

She could have, actually. Nowhere in her contract was it stipulated she had to take care of him when he got himself wasted. But decency and her education prevented her from simply not caring when someone was in dire need of help.

“Don’t want them to get me…” he mumbled and it took her several seconds to figure out what he had said at all because his speech was slurred and his accent thick.

“Who?” she frowned, glancing over her shoulder, aware there wouldn’t be anyone standing there. He was drunk and hallucinating and she was ridiculous for playing along.

“Ghosts.” His hand darted without much coordination but with enough strength to startle her when it closed on her wrist. “Don’t let the ghosts get me, Trinket. Don’t…”

“They won’t get you.” she promised, covering his hand with her free one. “I promise you.”

That, she could understand. She had ghosts of her own.

The tributes… She had taken to taking sleeping pills to get entire nights of sleep without nightmares. Guilt was a pesky thing.

“Let’s get you up.” she decided.

She tried to haul him up but he was uncooperative and he soon grew agitated. He kept mumbling about ghosts and monsters hiding in the dark until he was shouting. He was genuinely scared and that, perhaps, was more terrifying than anything she had ever witnessed because a sober Haymitch Abernathy… a sober Haymitch Abernathy never got scared. In three years she had yet to see him so much as startle. But when he was drunk… Sometimes, when she let herself think about what could have happened to make him end up like this, she felt like crying.

She should have stopped, of course. In insight, she realized it would have been the wisest course of action: stop fighting to get him to his feet and coax him into it instead. But she was tired and she had drunk a few cocktails more than she should have and thus she kept struggling.

And he managed to shrug her off.

The fact that he hadn’t actually gotten free sooner suggested he had been trying not to hurt her and she understood that. She understood that as soon as she was sent flying backwards. For a second, she almost gained back her balance before anything bad happened. Then her right heel twisted under her and she was falling again. Right against the edge of a nearby console.

She sat up, stunned, surrounded by a broken vase, water, and flowers…

Her forehead stung and she pressed her hand there. Her fingers came away bloody.

“No…” Haymitch breathed out and, suddenly, he was right there, kneeling in front of her, one hand cradling her cheek and the other probing at the wound on her head. “No, no, no…”

He looked so distraught…

“It is alright…” she found herself saying because she wasn’t that hurt.

“Didn’t mean to. Didn’t mean to.” he kept slurring.

“I know.” she admitted. She wasn’t even angry. It had been a stupid accident and mostly her fault. She knew better than upsetting him when he was in that kind of state. The same way she should never shake him awake when he had a nightmare, she shouldn’t try to impose something to his drunk self. “It is alright, Haymitch. I am fine.”

She was engulfed in a suffocating hug.

“Sorry.” he murmured against her green wig. “Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.”

She embraced him back. He was trembling now and she was worried he would be sick soon. She knew the signs.

“Let’s get you to bed, yes?” she suggested, combing his tangled hair with her fingers a few times. It badly needed to be washed and trimmed but the last time she had remarked on it he had glared at her.

He was sheepish, ashamed and reluctant to let go of her so, all in all, this time, it far easier to convince him to get up.

It was still a long way to his bedroom.

As she had thought, he started heaving before long but they managed to reach his bathroom. She used his first aid kit while he was being sick, cleaning the cut on her forehead. All the blood made her a little shaky but it wasn’t deep and it wasn’t serious enough that she even considered a trip to the Games Clinic downstairs. She applied a band-aid and resolved herself to a quiet day at the penthouse the next day – and until the scratch had closed enough that she could apply make-up on it.

By the time she was done, Haymitch had stopped retching and was staring at her from the floor, looking so pathetic she could do nothing else but sigh, grab a cloth and wash him up a little.

It wasn’t the first time she helped him undress and, if experience proved right, it wouldn’t be the last. She kept her eyes averted once he was in his underwear and she wasn’t satisfied until he was properly tucked in his bed.

“Stay?” he requested once his head hit the pillow. His eyelids were already drooping but he had a firm hold on her wrist so she sat on the edge of the mattress and placed a hand on his chest.

“Until you fall asleep.” she promised, also used to that aspect of things.

He was snoring less than five minutes later.

She snatched his shirt on her way out because she had put blood on it and if he woke up to that he would freak out. And blame himself. And that was the last thing she wanted.

He emerged around lunch time the next day. She was already sitting at the dinner table when he stumbled in, clad in a silky blue dressing gown that didn’t hide much because it wasn’t properly knotted shut.

“Hello, Haymitch.” she greeted brightly, knowing her cheerfulness would annoy him. She did like annoying him.

“Morning.” he grumbled, dropping on his usual chair to her left. “Coffee?”

“It is midday, you realize. Not an appropriate time for coffee.” she mocked but gestured at the nearby Avox to bring him a pot. She had made sure it was ready, naturally. She knew his habits, after all.

She kept eating her lunch, berating him for his disastrous manners when he stabbed a piece of duck with his fork directly from the main dish and sniffed it before dropping it back in there with a wince. Apparently, his stomach wasn’t up for duck yet.

But it clearly didn’t mind the pastries the Avoxes brought for dessert if the way he munched on a chocolate éclair was any indication.

It was only once the second cup of coffee was gone that he took his first good look at her, she thought. Despite the fact she had been maintaining a polite one-sided conversation all meal long. His eyes immediately zeroed on the pink band-aid on her forehead and something flashed on his face.

“The fuck happened?” he asked, dropping the pastry to reach out for her face.

She forced herself to stay still when he brushed the tips of his chocolate stained fingers against the band-aid.

“I tripped.” she dismissed with a careless twist of her wrist. “I am afraid I did break a vase but we are not mentioning that to any Gamemaker. And if they do ask, we will tell them was you. It appears we beak too many things in the penthouse, if you can believe that. I have been reminded teams should not get their floor redecorated every year. How ridiculous. They should redo the floors every year, don’t you think? How about fashion! What are we supposed to…”

“You tripped how?” he frowned, cutting her off.

“I was a little tipsy, my heel twisted.” she sighed, faking irritation. “Laugh away.”

He seemed unsure for a second and then he shrugged and smirked. “Those shoes will be the death of you. Been telling you for years.”

“Ruffian.” she huffed and then switched the topic altogether by regaling him with the latest gossip about Three’s escort he couldn’t care less about – which he explicitly stated five times.

They didn’t often spend the day in the penthouse. At least, not together. When Effie stuck indoors, it was usually to work on sponsor files but with their tributes dead… She had no real intention of watching the Games so the TV remained on mute most of the day and she walked around, straightening a painting, checking the flowers arrangements in the dining-room, perfecting her manicure…

Haymitch seemed content to sit on the couch and read one of his books but she was bored out of her mind.

She was standing in front of the mirror in the living-room, inspecting the scratch under the band-aid and wondering if it was safe enough to put make-up on it without risking infection now so she could go to a party when she felt his eyes on her. She hastily put the band-aid back on. She supposed she looked a little ridiculous. She had applied make-up on her face but had left a wide area free around the wound.

“What is it?” she challenged, ready to tell him off for mocking her.

“You didn’t really trip, yeah?” he asked, his tone less confrontational than usual. “Not alone anyway…”

There was so much bitterness and self-loathing in his voice that she sighed and turned around, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “Haymitch…”

“Did I hit you?” he spat, making a face.

“You did not hit me.” she countered, shocked he would even ask. Had he frightened her sometimes when he grew mad? Yes. But never had she actually thought he would raise his hand on her. Never. He had better control on himself than he gave himself credit for. “I tried to force you up and you were trying not to hurt me. I did trip. This was my own fault.”

“Shouldn’t be helping me. Told you before.” he sneered. “Ain’t your job and we ain’t friends. You owe me nothing.”

“Oh, so you would let me pass out in the living-room if I was drunk out of my mind, would you?” she retorted.

“Yeah.” He shrugged.

She lifted an eyebrow in challenge and he rolled his eyes.

Three years earlier he might have but now… Now they had come to an understanding of sort. They had learned how to work together. Of course, that usually meant she did all the work but… They had good days sometimes.

Asking her not to help him when he was drunk wasn’t something she was comfortable with. It was a moot point by now.

“Just be careful.” he demanded with a sigh before going back to reading his book.  

“Am I not always?” she hummed.

He didn’t look away from his page but the snort said it all.

[onceuponaprincessworld]

CaptainSwan FF One-shots Recs p.5

Hello Beautiful Fandom, look I made another rec list! Thanks to CS AU Week we have some lovely new one shots featuring our favorite couple, but this list also includes some old one-shots that I believe you should check out, If you haven’t already. Hope you enjoy.

You can find here my other lists as well. 

Side note, I try to tag the authors by their tumblr name, but I couldn’t find some, if you know it, let me know. 

But Consider This...Aliens, @welllpthisishappening

Killian Jones is going to lose his mind. He's never going to sleep again. Because there is an alien living in the apartment above his. And maybe he's ok with it. Yeah, definitely losing his mind.

Prompt, @its-imperator-furiosa

Emma and Killian has been dating for a while but they haven't tell their friends yet, because they don't know how Emma's brother David will react, since he ones told Killian to not go near his sister, but he walks on them kissing or something and he yells Finally.

Past the Clouds, We’ll Find the Stars, @blowmiakisscolin

CS + Adoption and more: A dash of angst, a sprinkling of humor & a whole lotta fluff.

Prompt, @initiala

You buy your man a mug without looking inside... 

it’s a party in the usa, @jmosfreckles

A Fourth of July AU written for CS AU week day 1: Holiday AU. America vs. Great Britain antics ensue.

Old Habits Die Hard, Ok?, @jmosfreckles

I kissed you goodbye on accident - old habits die hard, ok?!

worth the risk, worth the guarantee, @piratesails

The rule is simple enough: don't fall for your best friend. No matter how loudly her laugh echoes in your head in the middle of the night, or how beautifully endearing the freckles that climb up her arms look under the afternoon sun. Every single movie and book and story he's come across has warned him of this in one way or another.

And yet, Killian finds it hard to run out of reasons why Emma Swan is the most perfect person he has and will ever meet.

Unhand the Carnations, @blowmiakisscolin

CS Flower Thief AU: I saw a prompt on Tumblr (see notes) and I did a thing. Emma catches Killian stealing flowers from her garden and assumes he's being a cheap date. She insists on coming with him to find out whether the girl is pretty enough to warrant flower theft...and he doesn't know how to break it to her that he's taking the flowers to the graveyard.

Never Drinking Again, @its-like-a-story-of-love

Emma Swan wakes up on her 21st birthday with no recollection of what happened the night before. All she has to piece everything together are her Snapchat story and a handsome stranger. (Drunken Snapchat story AU) 

You Make Me Better, @ilovemesomekillianjones

CS Neighbors AU where Emma is a nurse and Killian is her definitely-faking-it hypochondriac neighbor who uses illnesses and injuries as an excuse to talk to her.

You Look Happier, @cutieodonoghue

Radio DJ David Nolan’s sister Emma moves to town to be close to him as he prepares for his upcoming wedding to Mary Margaret. Maybe he’s just a little bit crazy from wedding stress, but he kinda wants to set her up with his co-host and best friend Killian. 

i’m missing you like crazy, @cutieodonoghue

“Established long distance relationship, one of them surprises the other by showing up right before midnight [on New Years Eve].” with a side helping of vloggers au! (a mixture of angst and fluff beyond this point)  

already in love,   @icapturedkindness

For CS AU week beloved tropes - friends to lovers.

a dare and a truth..., @startswithhope

Bed sharing prompt: “Would you please get comfortable and go the fuck to sleep already?”

Body Say, @seriouslyhooked

AU where Emma and Killian are neighbors in Boston. Emma gets home from a girls night only to stumble upon Killian who she has been crushing on since he moved in. Sparks fly and it is basically just a mini smut fest if I’m honest, but we then get a flash forward to see what happens with Emma and Killian in the future. I’m sure I have done a oneshot or two like this before, but hey, we can always use more fluff right?

Frigging in the Rigging, @passing-fanciful

Friends do things for other friends' birthdays. No big deal, right?

Camped Out,  @always-a-slut-for-pirates

A reluctant Emma goes camping with David, Mary Margaret and Killian.

the love boat, @captainnagata

“How good is your mother with dealing with the unexpected?”

“Why?”

“Because ship captains have the power to officiate weddings and the idea of her own daughter entering a marriage in a matter of days, on a cruise, could sober her up enough to leave you alone for good.”

a (sort of) cinderella story, @jennifer-morrison

sure she sits with him for a while after he’s put henry to bed following a late stakeout and sure she invites him over to make dinner more often than she doesn’t but that’s their usual. it isn’t because she likes him, likes him. (no one tell henry he agreed to this silly masquerade because he likes, likes her, okay?)

something so magic about you, @mycaptainswanjones

Emma Swan just found the perfect gift for Mary Margaret's birthday. The only problem? A blue-eyed stranger with a ridiculously attractive face and accent just stole it from right under her nose. Modern AU. Captain Swan.

The Kinship Harvest, @thesschesthair

We’re going to pretend the portal at the end of S3 never opened and Zelena was defeated without any interruptions. We’re also going to pretend Emma couldn’t go through with leaving for New York much to everyone’s relief. We’re also going to pretend that I can make up a believable holiday for the Enchanted forest lol.

Untitled, @distant-rose

Emma Swan is a crusty twice divorced bailsbond person who is a lone wolf by nature, excluding the company of her seven-year old son, of course. Her occasional companion of choice is a Seattle detective who is also a divorcee and an ex-military guy who got his hand blown off on some super secret Black Op mission in Afghanistan. Killian Jones is nearly as crusty as Emma and a closet sci-fi nerd who never fails to help Emma with a difficult skip or babysit her son last minute. There’s always been an unspoken attraction between them that’s held back by their memory of their failed marriages.

The Worst/Best Christmas Ever,  @captainhookcaptainfreedom

When their flight home is cancelled, Emma is convinced that she and Henry are going to have the worst Christmas ever. However, their next store neighbor, Killian Jones, has different ideas. 

stranger to the ground, @evil–isnt–born

Test pilot Killian Jones and engineer Emma Swan spend their days making history as part of the Avro Arrow program. When the program is suddenly cancelled and the jets ordered destroyed, the choice becomes whether to let it become a thing of the past or save a piece of their shared history.

STRAIGHT AS AN ARROW (TO YOU),  @nightships 

The Avro Arrow program was a shining beacon for Canada - when it was cancelled, questions went unanswered, and reporter Emma Swan has no intentions of leaving them that way. Major Killian Jones couldn't agree less, especially given his own history with the program, but Emma wouldn't be Emma if she let that stop her.

Too Hot (Hot Damn), @this-too-too-sullied-flesh

Emma just doesn’t know what’s hotter--the weather and the fact that the air conditioning is out in her building, or her neighbor.

stop talking in codes,  cocoa-and-rum

Killian Jones has been in love with Emma Swan for as long as he can remember. He often told himself it wouldn't be wise to fall for his best friend, but his heart has a queer way of never listening to his brain, especially when a breathtakingly alluring woman with pretty green eyes and lovely blonde waves is involved.

1-2 Crush on You, @allrightfine

"We'll skip all this, go right to a place where you're more comfortable. We'll want to aim for that sweet spot between knowing all those little idiosyncrasies and them becoming annoying, I'd imagine." (vaguely Halloween-flavored AU smutty fluff!).

A Lifetime of Kissing, @justanotherwannabeclassic

There were many things that were becoming of a princess. The ability to carry on polite conversation, fluency in many languages, and an appreciation of both the arts and sciences were such things. What wasn’t becoming of a princess was drunkenly marrying a Naval lieutenant while on a diplomatic visit to a nearby kingdom. (Lieutenant Duckling).

[protect-klangst]

Soooo basically this is my reaction voltron season 3 which I finished watching in the middle of the night honestly I was yelling most of the time you have no idea how excited I was the fuck but I got a tiny bit collected by the end of episode 2 so I started recording my reaction at the beginning of episode 3 aaand yeaahh

 Episode 3 

“KEITH WHAT THE FUCK"  *laughing* "UHDHDHJS LOTOR AAAAAA” “bITCH LISTEN TO PIDGE” “OH SHIT THAT LAUGH” “BITCH SAME” “YES BLOW HIM UP LOTOR” shit i love her. “Keith. No.” “YES LANCE IS RIGHT YOU’RE RIGHT BABY” “keith.” “KEITH. HONEY. NO” “SHIT ALLURA NOOOOO SAVE HER” “LOTOR YOU ASS” “NOOO ALLURA BABY” FUCK ITS A KLANGST MOMENT THIS IS WHY MY USERNAME IS PROTECT KLANGST I WANT TO PROTECT KLANGST FUCKFUCKFUCKUFCU KLANGST “KEITH NOOOO” “LANCE NO DON’T SAY THAT" “but bitch u right” “AW HUNK” "YOU’RE DOING GREAT SWEETIES” “ALLura ohmygod I want to pROTECT HER” “OHMYGOD ALLURA THAT WAS SPOT ON” “Good god why does lotor’s face look hecka punchable” “THIS. BITCH.” “Yes ALLURA YOU’RE DOING GREAT SWEETIE” “YAAAAAAHS” “YEAAAH THINK LIKE LANCE” “Look I’m glad we’re all making fun of lance” GUYS NOOOO LEADER!KEITH I’ m weA K THEY FUCKING FORMED VOLTRON I’M GONNA KMS FUCK TWHATX THE FHDITSH HUNK IM A LEG OMFGSKDHS ALLURA IS SO PRECIOUS??? Guys. GUYS. IM WE AK YES KEITH. FINALLY.  TEAM LEADER. TEAAAM LEADER. TEAM LEADER BITCH Episode 4 I LOVE THIS AGGRESSIVE FEMALE GALRA SHE IS SO RELATABLE LIKE EVERYTIME SHE TALKS I’M LIKE DUDE SAME Keith is sitting on shiro’s seat I am not okay this is not okay I’m not crying you’re crying keith yes <3 hunk same SHIT ITS THE FUCKING TRAILER I'MDHSKSH ITS THE WHOLE FUCKING VOLTRON BEING SUCKED INTO THE WORMHOLE FFS THE DAMN SKELETON THE FUCK I ACTUALLY YELLED WAIT IS THAT  IS THAT SLAV WAIT IS THAT SHIRO “BITCH WHAT THE FUCK” “WHAT THE ATUAL FUCK” “BITCH WHAT” “WHAT” “WHAT THE” ITS FUCKIN SLAV BITCH WHAT IS GO IN G ON THATS NOT HIS FUCKIN VOICE IM “AHAHAHAHAHA ALTERNATE REALITY FUCKING HELL” SVEN. WHY. THE RAIN DEER. FROM FROZEN “The heck just happened” LMFAO SAME ALTEANS AAAAAHHHHHH HUNK SAME  I LOVE THIS FEMALE GALRA THE FUCK  I love Ezor ;-; “Bitch this is blowing my mind” “Allura you’re doing gr8 sweetie” I CANT TAKE SVEN SERIOUSLY I’M CHOKING THEIR DAMN ACCENTS GOSH I’M SO FUCKING CONFUSED BUT O KAAAY called it pftt these fake bitches “Keith. Yes.” “Allura. No.” “WAIT NO DON’T” Aw coran I’M ITS THE DAMN TRAILER AGAIN FUCKKKCJX KEITH’S VOICE WOOOOOO SLAV LMFAO “YES KEITH” “YES TEAM” “YES ALLURA” AAAAHHHHH LANCE WITH THE RED BAYARD I’M WEAK “SHIT NO SVEN” “SVEN NOOO WHAT” NOO ITS LIKE SEEING SHIRO DYING I’M NOT OKAY bless slav really. ffs let them rest. Episode 5 “SHIRO” “SHIRO SHIFOSGIRO ITS THE DAMN TRAILER” “AAAHHH WAIT WHAT THE FUCK HIS HAIR” ULAZ “NOOO PROTECT HIM” “WHAT THE FU K IS GOINGO N” I’VE SEEN THIS EVERYWHERE BUT WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GLIN GON “WHAT” “WHERE THE FUCK IS HE” WAS THAT NOT A FUCKING FLASHBACK WHAT wtf idk what’s going on and idk who this dude is bUT *SMASHES PROTECT BUTTON* Lmfao DIDNT SEE THAT COMING ITS THEM WHAT OH OHHHHHHHH THATS FUCKIN SHIRO WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HOW DID HE GROW THAT MUCH HAIR “wait what the fuck” “SHIRO AAAAAHHHHH” oh shit lotor’s hot ???? I AM SHOOK WOOOOO SHIRO YES YES SHIRO DAD This bitch was caught by a galra and escaped twice how is he still alive THE PERSON FROM THE TRAILER WAS SHIRO OOOOHHHH SHIRO YES WAIT NOOO HE WAS SO CLOSE NOO NOOOOO SHIRO OHMYGOD THAT WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE I’M SO MAD THAT WAS SO FRUSTRATING okieee lotor has daddy issues I SWEAR IF SHIRO DIES I WILL FUCKING DIE WITH HIM “BITCH” HIS FLASHBACKS I HAVE TEARS IN MY EYES THE FLASHBACKS SHIT IM SO FUCKING SAD OHMYGOD THE LION “AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH” “KEITH YES” “AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH” “WHAT THE FUCK” BITCH HIS SMILE HIS SMILE SOFT BABY KEITH SMILES I’M NOT OKAY I DID NOT EXPECT S3E5 TO TURN OUT LIEK THAT BUT FUCK THAT WAS REALLY SKETCHY THO WHAT

Episode 6 “YES LANCE” “YES BABY WOOO" AW OMG HEY KEITH I HAD THAT GUY I STILL CAN’T WITH LANCE + RED BAYARD AAAAAHHHHH “YES ALLURA YOU’RE DOING GR9 SWEETIE” “YES PIDGE” “ok buT WHERE IS SHIRO” “OH THERE YOU FUCKING ARE" where the fuck is their reunion scene the fuck “LANCE CONTROL YOUR GAY HUN” Hunk and Pidge’s friendship is SO UNDERRATED YOU GUYS I LOVE THEM “DID LANCE JUST ” HEY MAN PART TWO BITCH HEY MAN H E Y M A N THIS IS SO WEIRD TO WATCH ITS LIKE STRAIGHT OUT OF FANFICS I’M WDHAOSJS FUCK FUCKF UFKCU KFUCK UK “I mean you’re the leader now right?” FUCK i’VE SEEN THIS FANART SOMEWHERE IM DYIFNSSG it’s like ePISODE ONE ALL OVER AGAIN I DONT KNOW ANYMORE BONDING MOMENT FUCKING HELL THEY’RE SO SOFT I’M FUCKCJFUCKCUK BUT FUCK THIS SOME LANGST SHIT I CAN’T NO LANCE BABY I’M SO SAD LEAVE THE MATH TO PIDGE KEITH. WHY. KEITH. LANCE’S SMILE YO HSOSHSDK HUNK OFHSJDHSK OH MAN KEITH’S USED TO BEING A LEADER NOW I’M SO DONE I’M SO FUCKING DONE “alright what’s going on” same. EZOR AAAAHHHHH I LOVE LANCE X RED BAYARD KEITH X BLACK BAYARD I CANNOT COPE AUXIA OHMYLOORDDD SAME CORAN WHAT IS GOING ON “KEITH YES” “WAIT KEITH NO” “KEITH. NO. THE FUCK.” “Keith yes <3" He’s so soft WOOOO I’M GAY FOR Y'ALL FEMALE GALRAS “NO WTF” OHMYLORD THE FLASHBACK THE WEBLUM LADY OSHDKSHSKS IT’S CANON I GOTCHU BUDDY YES LANCE KLANCE HNNNGGGGHSH “PIDGE NOOOO” “HUNK NOOOOO” “SAVE THEM” “ALLURA NOOOOO” “LANCE YES YES BUDDY YOU’RE DOING GREAT SWEETIE” “nvm" oookie guess i’ll just die “NOOOOOO” “DON’T DIE THE FUCK” “WAIT WHAT” “OHMYGOD YES” something strange is going on here BITCH U RIGHT YOU’RE THE STRANGE ONE RN WYD keith :(((((  Episode 7 “what the actual fuck” “WHAT” EXCUSE ME THE FORMER RED AND BLUE PALADINS WERE LIKE HECKA CLOSE I’M SORRY I HAVE TO MENTION THIS ALFOR WHYSJSGSJGSJ ZARKON YOU WERE A GREAT HERO WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS NOW I AM DISAPPOINTED UM THE FORMER BLUE PALADIN WAS SO GAY AAAAAHHHH HAPPY DAYS nope nvm ZaRKON IS SO SHOOK OHMYGOD ISNT THAT THE CAT WITH THE BLIND FEMALE GALRA ZARKON IS BEING ALL FLUSTERED THIS IS HILARIOUS ALFOR KNOWS LMFAO what is going oN V O L T R O N THAT BLUE PALADIN IS SO LANCE WHAT THE HELL this is so weird to watch tbh “what the hell even is that thing” C OUGH red and blueCO U G HH 

I’M GETTING CHILLS ALL OVER WHAT IS THIS they boutta die ALFOR YES oh shit zARKON YOU ASS is … she… THE FUCKING WITCH SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCK “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK” I SWEAR BRUHHH YOU HAVE BEEN FOOLED “OHMYFUCK” OH M YDCYK OMDKLSBDKS I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS OH MY FYCK IN G I AM FUCKING SPEECHLESS

[cosmiciaria]

Final Fantasy XII Zodiac Age Review (Spoiler Free!)

I'm terribly sorry, but I'm one of those who played FFXII for the first time this year.

 Final Fantasy XII was actually the first game I ever got on my PS2, because the vendor recommended it to me, but alongside that game, I brought many others, including Final Fantasy X-2 (yes, not X, but X-2). By then, I didn't even know what Final Fantasy was, so I tried XII, didn't like the gameplay, got stuck after two hours and never touched it again.

 After 2014, which was when I've played Final Fantasy X for the first time ever (yes, quite late) and fell in love with the franchise, I actually tried FFXII again, to see if I could manage beyond those first hours of story. It turns out, I managed, but got stuck again, at six hours, without being able to leave the dungeon where I was. I was quite underleveled and didn't have many resources to buy supplies, so I said 'screw it!' and never touched it once again.

 I was really not fond of the gameplay. I was all about turn based combat, not this real-time-thingy-but-not-so-real-time. But when I saw that this game was coming completely upgraded for the PS4, and with the new gameplay mechanics from the International Zodiac Job System (which should be called Japanese ZJS, not International), I desperately wanted to play the game. I have a friend who wouldn't stop recommending it to me, and insisted even more when she knew about this new version. I had no excuses, so… yes, third time lucky!

 I managed to play beyond those first six hours, and up until now, I've played over sixty hours, and there's plenty more. And I can say, what a good game! What a good Final Fantasy! How could I pass on this all these years?

 I must start this (or… continue?) by saying that I'm completely, utterly, totally, overwhelmingly surprised. With two previous failed trials, I didn't have many expectations for the game in general. I only knew this was a Final Fantasy game, and it was going to have a guy called Cid, chocobos, magic, crystals and friendship and all that cheesiness. I did not expect a political conflict, I did not expect such a diversity of characters, I did not expect that much of a challenge. Guess what, I was wrong, of course! It is a Final Fantasy game after all, why would I doubt it?

 Final Fantasy XII happens in the world of Ivalice, in the middle of a political turmoil. The Archadian Empire is engulfing everything in its stride, and pretends to claim the Rozarrian lands. In between these two behemoths (no pun intended) we have two small kingdoms, Nabradia and Dalmasca. The king of Dalmasca marries his daughter, Princess Ashe, to the prince of Nabradia, Rasler, thus sealing an alliance. Rasler will take the reins of this newly formed nation and fight the Archadian Empire back, who was trying to step on both their kingdoms to get to Rozarria. Overwhelmed by their power and strength, Rasler falls in battle (because it seems these people had no sense while designing their armors), and the Empire takes Nabradia and Dalmasca under its totalitarian wing.

 Princess Ashe isn't oblivious to what's happening. The Empire kills her father and she, the only survivor of her dynasty, fakes her own death to fool Archadia. She starts working in the shadows, preparing a resistance, an insurgence, and waits for the right moment to reclaim her throne and her title.

 Two years pass, and fate will bring together six very different characters: the aforementioned Princess Ashe, fighting to get back what's hers; Vaan, an orphan and thief, the so called main protagonist but is less protagonist than that chocobo over there; Penelo, who follows Vaan wherever he goes because, yes, they're friends; Basch, a forgotten soldier who lost everything, even his honor, in the war, but is willing to regain his dignity and to defend Dalmasca; Balthier, a sky pirate with whom I may've fallen in love SO HARD; and Fran, a very beautiful viera (a hybrid with bunny) who's Balthier partner in crime and senses the Mist and speaks in encrypted riddles.

 These guys, who seemed to be taken out of a magician's top hat, will be accompanying Princess Ashe in her pursuit of regaining Dalmasca back, revisiting her ancestor's scattered hints across the globe to learn of a power beyond her comprehension. Along the way we'll MEET: many creatures; different landscapes; lots of tracking and backtracking and tracking again; lots of grinding, grinding, grinding, GRINDING; a very weird but crucially important stone called nethicite (of which I still don't understand much about); the almighty and solemnly mysterious MIST; giant bunnies; some guys with horns called 'garif'; some people who are always acolytes and when you see them from a close up you can learn they're actually white MONKEYS; beautiful and 'step on me senpai' BRITISH ACCENT; sky pirates and ships addressed as 'she'; summons who are not the summons we're accustomed, and the summons we are accustomed were put in the game as names of ships; violent chocobos; a thousand hunts; moogles everywhere doing everything and always in the right time for you; A GIANT ASS CRYSTAL WHICH DOESN'T HAVE A FRICKING MAP; Vaan asking stupid questions; Fran sensing the Mist and collapsing into Balthier's strong arms sorry not sorry; a twelve year old boy who acts and speaks better than all of us; and a ton crap of places to visit and maps to fill and dungeons to suffer through.

 I'll be honest, the game has a lot of content compared to its predecessor in the PS2. FFXII feels like an open world but condensed into zones (because of the limitations of the hardware, of course). But it's, in fact, the closest thing we had to that genre, and it does it perfectly. There's always something to do besides the main story. There's a ton of optional bosses, of unlockable Espers, of spells and technics to find, of weapons to seek, of maps to explore. There are also many, many hunts available, which unlock new areas in previously visited places, and also some hidden fetch quests, which are a must for those looking for the platinum. The game still doesn't cease to amaze me with its content.

 The gameplay might be a bit problematic at first, but you soon learn to grasp it. You basically can control any of the six party members, and set up the orders for the others to fulfill in a certain order. It seems hard to understand when the game explains it, but hey, if I could, then anyone can! The idea is to give priority to those orders which will save your character's life, and then make the appropriate combinations that suit you for fighting. These orders are called 'gambits', and they're the core of your gameplay. Better befriend them.

 You also have 'License Boards'. These licenses 'authorize' you to learn certain ability, or to wield certain weapon. For instance, to wield Excalibur, you not only need to have the actual sword, but also the license for it. And so on, so on. It goes the same for spells and technics. You can buy them at shops or find them in chests across the dungeons. Just bear in mind that some of them are only attainable in certain parts of the game (COF COF, HOLY, ARDOR, FLARE) and won't respawn later if you don't get them on time. 

 In this Zodiac Age version, we get to choose two jobs for each character. Now, I recommend you search in Internet for the best combinations, for I've made many mistakes choosing those, and I'm in no position of giving any strategy to anyone. I'm just going to say that, if I ever replay this, I'll be having a White Mage/Knight character, and it'd be a badass paladin.

 Dungeons can be a pain of the ass, and there's no shame, I repeat, there's no shame in looking for maps and guides. The Crystal has a great dungeon design, I won't deny it, but it can be really annoying and confusing to traverse. Pharos is also a great example of good dungeon crawling, but it can be really tiring with all its many, many floors. 

(Oh, and in case you were wondering because you’ve already played this game, there are no more ‘forbidden chests’ and the Zodiac Spear is located in another place altogether. So don’t worry about opening whatever appears in front of you)

 I can keep on talking about the gameplay and stuff, but I'm missing the most important thing here. What I liked the most about this game and what enthralled me so much, was the complexity of its characters. As I said before, I didn't expect many things. I didn't expect the characters to be morally grey. Ashe, who is the main driving force in the story, many a time doubts about the right path to follow, and blindingly falls into temptation. Gabranth, Basch's twin brother, has a divided loyalty, a complete devotion to his young master Larsa, and contradictory feelings about his brother. Balthier claims to be only there because of the treasure and the sky pirate spirit, but he soon gets on the personal race thing when his father appears on screen. All this, I've never seen it before in an FF game (maybe there was, but not in the ones I've played – that's a conversation for another day), and I was very glad to find that my characters weren't all on the heroes side. Speaking of heroes, our main villain might be the very first Final Fantasy villain I completely hate; he's not relatable, you can't sympathize with him in any moment, he kills his siblings because reasons, he's just bad because he wants to be bad. And also I hate him because I had to replay his battle three times before I finally defeated him. F*ck him.

 So, overall, I really enjoyed this FF. With each game I play, I fall in love more and more with the franchise. I'm glad I've come back to this one after all those years. The story is mature, the cast of characters is adorable (except for Vaan, sorry) and the soundtrack is on point, with many memorable themes. If you haven't already played this game (like me), this is the moment to give it a shot. And if you're a die hard FFXII fan, just dive in and enjoy the same old ride, but in HD!

 Final Fantasy XII is one of those stories which you've heard about but never actually experienced it. But once you do, there's no way in hell to let go of it.