lost and found pt. 1: missing pieces (dickroy wip snippet)
Summary:
"In the photo, Roy’s head hangs backwards over the arm of their old couch. His face is covered in doodles that Dick had helped a tiny Lian draw, all in multicolored permanent marker. He’s trying to look dramatically outraged, but the effect is ruined by the bright grin he can’t quite suppress. His gaze is directed off camera, to where Lian is giggling delightedly in Dick’s lap, a bright streak of blue smudged across her right cheek. The look in his eyes is full of such intense love and devotion that Dick forgets, for a moment, how to breathe."
Or: Dick thinks about the past and fails to change the future.
A/N: this is a little snippet from pt. 1 of lost and found, my wip au where Lian and Damian become friends while she's running around gotham still "dead". they get themselves stranded half a galaxy away, and in the process of rescuing them, dick and roy finally work through their issues and figure their shit out. takes place shortly after bruce returns from the time stream, pre-nu52 canon but with lian's current death plotline
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The last kid from his gymnastics class has finally been picked up, so Dick heads to the staff locker room to rinse off before going home.
Honestly, Dick hates this locker room. It’s nothing like the tiny one at his old gym in New York, with its cracked mirror, and its shower with shit water pressure, and its photos and stickers and children's artwork on every locker. This one is too big, all shiny and new and impersonal, remodeled, like the rest of the gym, with money from a generous anonymous donation. Because Bruce can’t resist shoving himself into every fucking corner of Dick’s life.
That’s probably enough bitching about Bruce for now. He doesn’t want to hit his daily quota before he even finds out what happened last night with Damian.
Dick finishes his shower and towels off, changing into a clean pair of sweatpants and an old Wonder Woman t-shirt. Gym bag over his shoulder, he waves goodbye to his coworkers and steps out into the soft light of early evening. He throws a helmet on, hops on his bike, and pulls out of the parking lot, heading in the direction of his apartment.
The fog of stress and exhaustion has finally cleared from his head, and he’s feeling more like himself than he has all day, but something in his chest still aches.
His last group of the day had been the tumbling class for 5-6 year olds. It's one of his favorites to teach–– it’s mostly just playing games, and he loves seeing how carefree and comfortable in their own skin the kids that age still are. But there’s moments when he looks at them and chokes on the air in his lungs, unable to swallow the grief.
Sophie had landed her first cartwheel today, and all he could see was Lian, running into the tower kitchen to proudly show him that look, she finally got the feet right! And he and Donna had applauded, and let her lick the cookie dough off the spoon, and listened as she’d sat at the kitchen island, kicking her feet and telling them all about some new animal fact she’d learned.
He thinks about calling Roy and sharing the memory. But he doesn't know if he should, hasn't talked to him recently enough to know whether the thought of past joy would be a comfort, or just a painful reminder of loss.
It aches down to his bones, that he doesn’t know. The distance between him and Roy feels so wrong, like he’s missing a limb.
Dick pulls in and parks in front of his favorite little corner grocery store. Dick wants to say he doesn’t know how all this started, but, well, he definitely does. He just doesn't particularly want to think about it.
This is his own damn fault, he knows. Roy’s been trying to reach out, lately. They see each other semi-regularly, at Justice League meetings or during the occasional mission. Out of costume sometimes, too, at someone’s birthday dinner or a West family cookout. But Dick’s had a lot of practice dodging conversations he doesn’t want to have. And normally Roy doesn’t let him get away with that, but they both know better than to start this fight in public.
So Dick avoids being alone with Roy, and Roy stares at him from across the room, eyes burning holes in the side of Dick’s head. Between the two of them, silences have always been so much louder than screaming matches.
Dick glances down. He’s a little surprised to notice that he has his phone out and opened to Roy’s contact, where a much younger face looks up at him. Donna had taken the picture, one afternoon when it had just been the three of them and Lian in the tower.
In the photo, Roy’s head hangs backwards over the arm of their old couch. His face is covered in doodles that Dick had helped a tiny Lian draw, all in multicolored permanent marker. He’s trying to look dramatically outraged, but the effect is ruined by the bright grin he can’t quite suppress. His gaze is directed off camera, to where Lian is giggling delightedly in Dick’s lap, a bright streak of blue smudged across her right cheek. The look in his eyes is full of such intense love and devotion that Dick forgets, for a moment, how to breathe.
It’s not like Dick wants things to stay like this. He misses his friend so much it burns inside. But he doesn’t know how to fix this. He’s afraid to try. Dick feels stuck, frozen. Why the hell is this so hard?
His thumb hovers over the call button on the screen. He really, really wants to hear Roy’s voice.
Suddenly his phone vibrates, and a text from Tim pops up at the top of the screen.
dropping itty bitty bat off at ur place, eta 20min. if u arent home to stop me i WILL be stealing all ur zesti.
The tension of the moment breaks, and Dick is back to being just a guy in a parking lot. He lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, and pauses for a moment before pocketing his phone and turning to head into the store. He’s got a kid he needs to make dinner for, and he should probably restock on Zesti.
As he pushes the door open and is hit with cool air and the sounds of shoppers, a little voice in his head whispers “coward”. It sounds uncomfortably like Roy’s.
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GOT Circle & Spiral
Since the beginning of the show, we’ve been introduced to the White Walker’s symbols. Perhaps it’s a way they are communicating and expressing their intentions or perhaps they are just copying what they have seen before, without any meaning behind it.
There is the circle. Introduced, in S1E01 “Winter is Coming”
And then, there is the Spiral. Introduced, in S3E03 “Walk of Punishment”
From what we know so far or have gathered, is that these two symbols were taken from the Children of Forest by the White Walkers and they have been using them to communicate something to the living.
Now perhaps these are just empty symbols for the White Walkers. But the WW are capable of thinking and strategizing, for instance, they adapt to start wearing armor once one of them is killed. So, I do believe they are communicating something to the living.
Now in season 6, we are reintroduced to these symbols once more. As Jon draws our attention to them when he shows Daenerys the cave drawings in Dragonstone, in S7E04 “The Spoils of War."
The second picture and the spiral that is shown, I think represents the creation of the Night King and the place he was created. But we’ll get into that a bit later.
Circle
First, we’re going to talk about the circle. While we haven’t seen it all that much in comparison to the Spiral, particularly in the later seasons. It still is the first symbol we were introduced to.
The first scene of the first episode of the entire show introduces us to this symbol and that episode is adeptly named Winter is Coming. The White Walkers are the Winter the Starks have been talking about, and they are not only coming, but are already here.
The final scene of the final episode of Season 1, reintroduces the symbol to us with Drogo’s funeral pyre and the birth of Daenerys’ dragons. And again, the episode is adeptly named, “Fire and Blood,” which directly refers to the Targaryen dragons, who are now also present in the current story.
And before we go to the circle and its relation to Sansa Stark, it’s important to note, that we do keep seeing the symbol in relation to the overall show.
The font style of the Title, turns every “O” into the circle.
Okay, back to the story within the show.
The circle is strongly associated with Sansa Stark, who wears the symbol as a necklace when she leaves the Vale, first appearing in S4E08, “The Mountain and the Viper.”
This is quite interesting.
While we know the chain reflects Littlefinger, a piece Sansa took from his own style (particularly in the way she wears it later on) andthe end “needle" piece is related to Arya’s very own needle. We still don’t actually have any meaning applied to the circle itself, at least not to my knowledge.
We should also take note of the scene where we first see Sansa wearing the necklace in S7E08 and the implication behind it. Because Littlefinger to some extent “creates” this new Sansa (or he thinks he does), but over time he loses control over her and she turns on him, resulting in his death.
Which is a scenario that is repeated quite often within the story.
Sansa’s later circle necklace (which becomes a stable in her wardrobe), continues the idea of Littlefinger’s influence/lessons and Sansa having her own Needle.
And this necklace reminds me more of a thread going through the sewing needle eye, than the first one. And overall sewing in general. Sewing and more traditional female activities are also closely associated with Sansa, just in general.
And while the new circle itself might continue the symbolic weight of the old circle (whatever that exactly is), I believe this new necklace carries an additional symbolic weight.
Especially, when Sansa wears her Twin Direwolf Collar/Clasps.
The necklace and collar, together, create a visual makeshift of a Viking King’s Chain.
And several other blogs/people have brought this up as a visual clue.
If this is an intentional visual clue by the costume designer or creators, then I think it clearly means that Sansa’s circle necklace (new version) is her very own Chain of Intent.
Matching & opposing Daenerys’ more famous Chain of Intent and if that is true, than these two are already made out to be two opposing forces before they even meet.
It’s also quite interesting that both Sansa and Daenerys have been strongly assoicated with the WW symbols and no one else really has. Sansa the Circle. And Daenerys the Circle and Spiral.
And the circle has come to represent opposing forces already. The WW and the Dragons.
But yet, we still don’t actually know the meaning of the White Walkers and Sansa’s First Necklace.
In our own world, the circle is similar to the Greek Letters of Theta and Phi.
Theta is a closer match to Sansa’s necklace, a horizontal line contained within a circle.
Theta is the eighth letter of the Greek Alphabet. In Greek numerals it has the value of 9 though and it is likely derived from Phoenician letter Teth.
The Phoenician letter ṭēth means "wheel" and possibly is the continuation of a Middle Bronze Age glyph named ṭab meaning "good".
But back to Theta.
It was once used to represent death, as it was used as an abbreviation for the Greek θάνατος (thanatos, “death”) and as a warning of death, in the same way that skull and crossbones are or have been used.
The idea of death is very fitting for the White Walkers/Night King. To those who believe in the Lord of the Light, the WW are death and the true enemy of R'hllor. But in general and for everyone, it’s pretty easy to associate death with the WW.
But this idea of death is pretty interesting in regards to Sansa, who wears the symbol in the end of Season 4 and a good portion of Season 5. And while she stops wearing it later on, the visual style of it continues on in a different form.
The symbol could represent the symbolic death of the old Sansa that once was, the one that existed before she walked down the stairs wearing said circle necklace.
Or perhaps it’s a forewarning of her own future, literal death. Or perhaps, like the WW, Sansa herself is a harbinger of death.
A warning of death to come.
Tyrion himself, in S8E01, brought up the fact that those who’ve underestimated or cross Sansa are now all dead. But it goes a bit further than that, doesn’t it?
Many of the characters who have directly impacted Sansa’s life or interacted with her on screen are now dead.
Lady. Ned Stark. Catelyn Stark. Robb Stark. Rickon Stark. Robert Baratheon. Joffrey. Tommen. Myrcella. Jory Cassel. Septa Mordane. Lancel Lannister. Loras, Margaery and Olenna Tyrell. Ser Meryn Trant. Maester Pycelle. Ros. Shae. Dontos. Lysa Tully. Tywin Lannister. Roose Bolton. Walda Frey. Myranda. Ramsey Bolton. The old woman. Ned Umber. Petyr Baelish.
And even those who haven’t died, have in many ways gone through severe changes that we could see as symbolic deaths.
The Hound. Jon Snow (+ literal). Cersei Lannister. Tyrion Lannister. Jaime Lannister. Arya Stark. Bran Stark. Theon Greyjoy.
In all honestly, though, we could make a list like this for every current living character and some would far exceed Sansa’s own death list.
But it is interesting for one of the few characters not involved in active fighting or killing, death sure does follow her.
But again, this is Game of Thrones.
Now Phi looks closer to the White Walkers’ circle, as the line is vertical and even passes outside the circle.
Phi, is the is the 21st letter of the Greek alphabet and represents the numeral value of 500 and also 500,000.
The symbol of Phi can represent a whole number of things, most importantly the Golden Ratio. Which itself can represent infinity, beauty, nature, life and balance.
And, the Golden Ration is often represented by a Spiral shape.
Spiral
This leads us to the Spiral in the show, which has become the far more prominent symbol in later seasons.
It is first shown in S3E03, “The Walk of Punishment.” John and the Free Folk come across this symbol, specifically one that is made of horse parts. Though they don’t know its meaning, they talk of how there are no human remains.
The men that these horses belonged to are now wights, the NK has gained more soldiers. And in the same episode, Daenerys makes a deal with the Slave Masters of Astapor -- One dragon for the Unsullied. Daenerys in this episode, takes a step further in gaining her future army.
Interesting how the wights are completely mindless soldiers following one master, while the Unsullied or the idea of them is sold to Daenerys as being just that. In addition, while the Masters of Astapor never got their one dragon, the Night King did.
The Spiral is also shown when the Children of the Forest create the first ever White Walker, in S6E05, “The Door.”
Bran learns in that scene that it was the COTF who created the WW to protect themselves from the First Men. And it is also in that scene we get idea that the acts people do (or weapons they create) under the justification of war, is not always justified.
While COTF were being killed and their sacred trees destroyed, they created new life that they could not control and even slaughtered them, as well as the First Men. The COTF, in the end, had to work with Man to defeat the NK and imprison him beyond the wall.
The NK also creates the spiral in the most recent episode, S8E01 “Winterfell”, using body parts to create a spiral featuring Little Ned Umber in the middle (much like how the NK was in the middle of another spiral).
Beric Dondarrion even comments that it’s a message from the Night King. So once more we know the WW are sending the characters a message, we just don’t understand nor know what it is exactly means to the WW.
The Spiral is also associated with Daenerys Targaryen & potentially Targaryens in general.
In S4E10, “The Children” Daenerys wears a dress throughout that has the very same spiral pattern.
In that episode, Daenerys receives citizens in her hall when she is Queen of Mereen. She learns that some of the slaves want to be sold back to their former masters (as they feel there is no place for them in this new world). Daenerys learns the lesson that the freedom she has given these people, means they can defy her own wishes and wants for them.
This idea is further cemented when she learns that Drogon killed a small child. She has lost control of her dragons (drogon) and they are acting on their own will, which won’t always align with hers. So, she decides to lock up her two remaining dragons, to prevent this from happening again.
The episode is adeptly titled “The Children,” (it’s almost like the title is intentional).
We as the audience are introduced to the Children of the Forest. But further more we learn the trouble and dangers of “children” to their “parents”.
Some of the slaves don’t wish to be freed by Myhsa (mother) and the Dragons are acting on their own will.
The Hound begs Arya to kill him, who has become a pseudo daughter in a way, but she defies his will and leaves him to die a slow death. Well first she robbed him.
And the final nail in the coffin, Jaime frees Tyrion, who then kills their father, Tywin. Which is not what Jaime nor Tywin wanted.
Your children, the people you save or free from their former imprisonment, still have their own free will and that will can go against your own.
And this is a lesson that has been on repeat for quite some time.
The COTF learn this. Daenerys learns this. Littlefinger learns this. Tywin learns this. Cersei learns this. Doran Martell learn this. Roose Bolton learns this. Ramsey learns this.
Now, defying your “parents” wishes and turning on them does not always work out in the best of ways for the “child”. Robb and Sansa both went against Catelyn and Ned’s wishes in who they wanted to marry and both acts led to some terrible consequences for House Stark and said parents, as well as themselves.
So, there is a balance to be had. But the lesson remains, everyone has a will of their own.
And it’s also important to note that to create the first WW, the COTF used Dragonglass. Which is also refered to as frozen fire and is found in abundance on Dragonstone, the ancestral seat of House Targaryen.
There is of course one other way Daenerys and Targaryens are connected to the Spiral, their sigil resembles it quite a bit.
Of course, everyone has commented on the possible connection of the WW Spiral & Targaryen sigil as the similarity was made quite clear with Little Ned being set ablaze.
The Spiral itself could be seen as an abstract form of the Targaryen Sigil. Similar to how Cersei’s crown is an abstract form of a lion.
Heading back to the actual Spiral for a quick second.
Spirals in our own world can have a ton of meanings depending on different cultures, history and overall context. But overall, they can represent movement, life, creation, infinity/eternity, reincarnation/ rebirth and time (past, present and future).
And I think those meanings from our world can also be applied to the GOT Spiral.
Back to the Targaryen Sigil and its connection to the Spiral.
The Targaryen Sigil itself is reminiscent of Ouroboros - A symbol that depicts a serpent or dragon devouring its own tail.
Ouroboros represents or can represent wholeness, infinity, rebirth or a renewal of life (same as the spiral). A continuation of a cycle.
It also has the negative connation or idea tied to it -- eating (hurting) yourself to satiate your own hunger (desire).
Basically, a self-defeating way of trying to accomplish what you want.
Which is a way to describe several of the characters we’ve seen on the show and continue to see, the more they try to cement their power the more unstable that power’s foundation becomes.
But even more so, we can see it with how several of the “children” defy their “parents”.
And of course, both the Targaryen Sigil and Spiral Symbol also look like something else. A wheel.
Daenerys has sworn to break “The Wheel.”
While we can easily infer what the wheel is, it’s never actually fully discussed within the show.
We’re told the vague idea that it’s the families fighting one another for power and the destruction that follows (crushing the smallfolk), but that’s really it.
However, that idea is often shown to the audience in every episode, with once again the literal Title of the Show.
This looks like a wheel, with the different families being the spokes on it, just like what Daenerys said.
But back to our main point.
We have no idea how Daenerys exactly wants to break the wheel (dismantling the institutions of power that legitimize rulers? maybe?) nor do we know what she wants to do when the wheel breaks. Or what she wants to implement afterward.
One idea, is that she could mean she wants to do what Joffrey suggested in Season 1, dismantling the independent powers of the lower lords (Stark, Tyrell, Tully...ect) and cement the central power of the crown (mainly through armies).
This actually isn’t all that far-fetched. Daenerys has become the central ruler of her army and people, with seemingly no official lower branches or groups.
But that’s more stopping the wheel on the Targaryen Spoke, not breaking it.
The real problem is that it’s a nice line with no plan behind it and there is a fatal flaw in how it’s supposed to be achieved.
It’s hard to break the “wheel”, when Daenerys needs the wheel or the institutions of power that were or are still currently in place (monarchy/feudalism, succession rights, Targaryen rule, Iron Throne) to become Queen of the 7K, so she can break said institutions that reinforce the current social structure and help crush those below.
Daenerys (and the other characters) are part of this wheel. They might be able to change it, but can they truly break it?
I’m going to say no. The wheel and life keep spinning. The spiral continues. No matter what they do.
The wheel imagery also reminds me of the Seven-Pointed Star, the primary icon of the New Gods, which is the major religion within Westeros.
The New Gods is an interesting religion. It’s predominant across the show. It’s one of the few religions we see that has set rules and practices and it is (was) a formal institute of power in Westeros, but yet has no “proof” behind it.
The Old Gods, The Lord of Light and even the Many-Faced God have magic users and practices that seemingly reinforce said power of their god and prove its existence.
But magic isn’t linked to one religion or one god. In fact, it might not be linked to any. Magic might just be a natural part of this world and some religions may have been created to explain said magic and shape it.
Perhaps those who follow R’hllor can’t see the future through the flames because of their god, but many R’hllor exists because people could see the future in the flame.
But back to the Targaryen connection.
It always interested me that the Targaryens never brought over or implemented their own religion or gods from Valyria to Westeros. They just adapted to the dominant religion and allowed it to give them legitimacy.
One could also argue the Targaryen Sigil has “Seven Points” to it.
Three Heads. Two Wings. Two Tails.
And also, Joffrey based the throne room off the old Targaryen-style of the room. Including the Seven-Pointed Star windows.
Joffrey didn’t include the star because he himself is religious, he did so to invoke the style and power he admired in the previous Targaryen rulers.
Robert, who overthrew the Targaryens, had removed and replaced the Seven-Pointed Star (and other decorations) with forest/hunting stain-glass windows and decorations.
While we might associate the current throne room and its “look” with Joffrey and later Cersei, they are only trying to invoke the Targaryens, who were overthrown so they could have power.
And we can see that in the flashback of the Mad King, as he too had the Seven-Pointed Star glass window.
So, in the past, the Targaryens have used the Seven-Pointed Star, not just in their decorating, but legitimizing their own power with The Faith of the Seven.
Overall, the Seven-Pointed Circle it a symbol of power that keeps things more or less the same. And Daenerys might have to reinforce or rebuild this religion once more to keep or gain her own power, if she were ever to become queen.
Once more, fortifying the wheel and making it more difficult to break.
Now overall the Spiral and the Seven-Pointed Star Circle aren’t that similar in appearance, other than them being circles with “spokes”.
The Spiral has 8 spirals. While the Star has 7 points.
The Star is contained in the circle and the Spiral is the circle that can continue on and on.
But they might just both represent religion. While not confirmed, from what we can tell so far, the Spiral is a symbolic part of the COTF magic (and potentially their religion as well).
So, there is again an element of opposite forces. The Old vs. The New.
And from a Watsonian perspective, whose to say the Targaryen weren’t influenced by the dominant religion of Westeros & the Spirals imagery found on Dragon Stone (plus their three dragons) in creating their sigil.
The two symbols the WW have used can be linked to and related to many different things from our own world to the world of Game of Thrones.
And while all of these different circles and symbols may not all be directly connected together in some overall giant meaning/conspiracy that will explain everything.
We can’t ignore, the same ideas and meanings keep coming up and connect different symbols and ideas together.
They are all different, but nonetheless similar. Reflections of one another.
What do these two symbols really mean in regards to the WW?
Well, I hate to say it I don’t have a concrete answer, despite everthing we’ve talked about. But I do have speculation.
In a more literal sense. I think the circle represents the First Men and the Spiral represents the COTF. Or at least they use to.
Basically, I think it will be revealed that the circle symbol we first saw (unless they’ve forgotten about it) was once a symbol of the First Men. We actually haven’t seen the COTF really be associated with that symbol, at least not in the same way the Spiral has been shown to be related to them.
True the circle is part of the Cave Drawings, like the Spiral, but the COTF were telling the story of how they joined together with the First Men to defeat the WW.
So I believe, the WW are taking what was the primary (or what they saw as the primary) symbol of the two groups that they wish to destroy and made them their own.
For the WW to have life, they most kill the old life in the current world. And these two symbols the WW have been using is that threat. Death is coming for the First Men (humans) and the COTF.
And that leads to what these two symbols represent (not just a single person or group anymore), but ideas.
Overall, I believe they both represent opposing forces and the duality of said forces.
The Fist Men and The Children of the Forest. Ice and Fire. Starks and Targaryens. Non-Magic and Magic. Old Gods and New Gods. Greatness and Madness. Death and Life.
Different sides of the same coin.
However, these symbols in my view don’t simply represent said opposite forces themselves, or more accurately, one doesn’t necessairly represent life, while the other represents death.
They represent both opposing forces at the same time.
But more than anything, these two symbols separate or together represent --
Rebirth. Renewal. Reincarnation. A continuation of the past in the present and future.
Both symbols have come to represent the duality of Life & Death and Death & Life.
The COTF created the Night King by killing the human man he once was. (Spiral)
The Night King kills humans and brings them back (creating “new life”) as either wights or WW. (Circle & Spiral)
Daenerys had three deaths (Drogo, Rhaego, Mirri Maz Durr) and willingly walked into the funeral pyre and by doing so, she created new life in her three dragons. (Circle)
Sansa has to symbolically kill (change) old Sansa to become this new and smarter Sansa (when she leaves the vale). (Circle).
And that idea, even though the symbols aren’t presented in literal form, repeats time and time again.
The Drowned God Religion in general.
Theon must die for Reek to exist and Reek must die to allow Theon to be reborn.
Jon has to kill the boy to let the man be born.
Jon also literally dies and is resurrected.
Human Bran has to die to allow Three-Eyed Raven Bran to be born.
The Faceless Men try to get Arya to kill Arya Stark so she could become No One.
Jaime most kill the King slayer to become Jaime Lannister.
For new life, you need the death of the old life.
Both symbols represent that overall idea, particularly in association together. But yet what once was, never truly goes away, does it?
“What is dead, may never die”
The old (the past) is never truly destroyed. And thus, you get this continuation that goes on and on.
But overall the idea of the future, despite its best attempt, being a reflection of the past is something that seems inevitable.
Though I would say the future of GOT won’t look exactly like the past, because many different reflections of the past will take part in creating this new future.
So, I believe some form of the old (current) life we’re viewing now must die, for the new life to exist.
And, there are a couple of questions we might want to ponder during S8.
Which “children” will defy which “parents” in this new season?
Which of the saved will defy their savior?
Which reflections of the past will actually be realized in the future?
What exact aspect of the old must die for the new to exist?
We’ll just have to watch and see.
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have a little imagination, will you?
INTRODUCING son minsik, he/him, 12/04/97
COURSING ba in applied cinema, third year
AFFILIATION crux
ANNOTATIONS n/a
a note from the past.
TOKEN.
He always remembers it a bit differently, always slightly altered, something he blames on the years of revising his childhood during therapy sessions. It’s always either too hot or too cold, moral ground shifting. His mother says that all that is tangible is indirectly a threat. A knife protruding from his back is only a problem if he bleeds all over the place. The thing about misplacing truths is that he doesn’t know if it will unfurl like the long lines of yawn his mother winds through her knitting needle gauge. He can’t measure the scale of trauma stretching across decades of syrupy boyhood. Doesn’t even know if its an accurate inner image.
It is just, if anything, a color coded concept for the convenience of the set dressers.
One thing he knows is that his father never quite contented with his lack of an independent shape. So he had him stripped of agency, showcasing family tree anxieties in the form of rigorous method acting.
There are several unimportant things to note about Son Minsik’s filmography: it’s a short list, with a total of three entries, one of which is a glorified cameo; It’s genre consistent, with all of his projects having been leaning toward neorealism, with heavy grainy overlays and desaturated colors; And all of them have him die increasingly gruesome deaths.
(Sometimes, and he wonders if it’s the root of the problem, he can’t picture himself alive.)
His father becomes notorious for treating his actors horribly. Especially his son, who plays the main antagonist in a well received trilogy. Which relies more on surrealist themes than qualitative storytelling. But nothing can quite compare to the influx of strongly worded accusations that overwhelm his studio, when a crew member gets laid off and collects their next paycheck from tabloids. ‘Child abuse’ is featured in tacky newspaper headlines that are often difficult to distance from the body of works that feature explicit death scenes with a child front center.
[ DIRECTOR SON CHUL JANG (39) ALLEGEDLY MISTREATING SON AND CHILD ACTOR SON MINSIK (8), STAFF MEMBER CLAIMS ]
He doesn’t remember the press conference, or the microphones being shoved in his face. But he remembers clearly, almost vividly the way his father had trashed their living room, and then turned to him and said that it was somehow his fault. He should just drop dead. He doesn’t compare to all the dead little Minsiks before him who didn’t make it out of his mother’s womb alive. He can’t do anything right.
He shouldn’t be alive.
Yeah, maybe he shouldn’t be.
GROWTH.
In a way, it’s always going to be 2003.
There’s some narrative quality to the way he keeps to artificial constraints, not exactly there, yet exhausting like connecting xanax induced conflicts. He composes a list, because that’s what he always does. Things he wants his audience to know. Things he doesn’t want his audience to know. Things that aren’t important.
He’s unsure where to take it, where to house information.
He shoots short movies that star nothing but landscapes, water, flowers, useless cinematography that holds no spiritual weight. Hair clogging the shower drain likes clumps of memory that he has no use for, accompanied by a heavy bass intro that he mixes together on a shitty DAW.
No one watches movies lacking substance. No one watches boring flicks.
There’s this never ending cycle he’s forced into, that has him trying to catch up to his father, and to a lesser extent his mother. Maybe it’s a form of a misguided, overt cry for attention. Every second counted by 120 frames is just him trying to fill the frame with confessions. Gestures. Every open window is skin being pulled. 34 mm of focal length up close and personal. His father doesn’t trust him. That’s why he’s spent more of his childhood in boarding schools than at home, fed psychotropics throughout to keep him comfortably numb. Always barely hanging on, sedated to the point of passivity.
Sometimes he films himself talking until his throat caves in.
It boils down to this: An onslaught of expectations that eats at his consciousness. He’s trying so desperately to be like his father. Long Takes for everything, close ups on nothing, scenes in nonsequential order so he doesn’t have to make sense of it.
He’s not making sense.
In a way, he’s still eight, nine, sobbing uncontrollably in front of a camera, holding up bloodied palms and confessing to fictional crimes he is unable to separate from his person.
Maybe one day he’ll grow out of it.
a color for the present.
GREEN.
As most things are, love, in a household with a net worth of over $700 million, is seen as a commodity. His mother equates time to affection, and limits what she gives away of herself. A succession of vaguely whimsical moments in terms of front-page photos on a tabloid. Barely enough to not seem like a negligent mother, but not enough to make a significant impact as a supposedly nurturing figure. She has her publishing house to care for, social events to attend, friendships to maintain. A son, as much as he’d been wanted after two miscarriages, wasn’t supposed to be more than an afterthought.
It’s an attitude that translates over to the way she treats his interests. A dismissive nod, a belittling pat on the head, an expensive suit he gets to wear to a gala. She prefers to flaunt his achievements rather than acknowledging him as a her son. He’s an award winning actor (it doesn’t matter than he hasn’t been able to stand in front of a camera without going hysterical since the early 2000s), he’s a talented director (even if his short films are tedious to watch at best and pretentious at worst), he’s attending seoho! (and has managed to assault school staff in a fit of misplaced anger).
In the corny sitcoms he loves, mothers are always warm, pliant, caring. A suicide attempt earns a sympathetic response. A rebellious outburst earns an attempt to understand, reconciling childish whims. Mothers cry, coo, coddle. Mothers defend their children. Mothers accept and embrace the good with the bad.
His mother can’t. But he can’t be the perfect son, either.
BLUE.
“I want you to know that you can be honest with me, okay?” The social worker is nice, with evenly applied make up and shiny hair. His father is always making him buzz his head, offering no real explanation as for why. His mother standing behind him has a steady grip on his shoulders, nails pressing carefully down on his sweater. “I am here to ask you some questions. There’s no need to feel nervous or scared.” He’d tell her that he doesn’t really know what fear is supposed to feel like, but the even weight of his mother is making him feel self-conscious, so he nods instead.
“Last week, one of your father’s colleagues– I’m sure you know him, Kang Duri– has accused your father of mistreating you.” His mother’s fingers furl into his sweater and he can feel his collar growing snug. “He told us that your father often hurt you during filming. Is that true?”
His mother’s hands grow closer to his neck and go slack when she speaks up, “Those are frankly ludicrous accusations. My husband has always been a loving father to my son.” She made him wear a thick sweater in mid July because he’s covered in bruises. She sounds whiny, nasal. Maybe she’s having a panic attack. He knows about those.
The social worker looks apologetic, “I understand that this might be very difficult for you, ma’am. But there’s evidence to back these allegations up, which is why I’m here.” She’s so polite, sitting on one of his mother’s hideous kitschy loveseats, foundation blended down to her neck.
“Minsik, tell her that your father’s never done anything to you.” He can’t see his mother, but he can imagine what her face looks like. A ghostly paleness contrasting her black designer one piece. If anything, it’s always been about her. His whole life. Even at eight, sitting opposite someone who might actually be able to help.
But his mother would be sad. And he wants so much to please her.
“My father is a good father.” It’s not exactly the truth, but it’s an inoffensive statement.
When the social worker’s gone he’s left to himself, trying to ignore the sweat accumulating under his sweater, hands wet and sticky. He guesses, if he were to put a name to the uncomfortable, heavy feeling growing in the pit of his stomach, it’d be disappointment.
Now, almost thirteen years later, he wishes he’d said the truth.
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