#should I apply anyways I think there's other ways to get there but the train is just easiest

[pinolitas]

I'm uh... still a little traumatized to go to this one train station after seeing an old man's face get bashed in by some teenagers early one morning but I would like a job at this library and I would have to go to that station to get to that library

[sukunasweetheart]

This is just a quick rambling i did mostly at like 4am but just a warning for dark content, murder and manipulation 🤞🤞🤞

Heian era sukuna x op reader who isnt equal to his strength, but close enough to it that he pardons your weakness and keeps you at an arm's length distance bc youre not strong enough for him to belong to you, but youre also too precious to kill, or to belong to someone else.

Youre fun. Youre a pretty thing to look at, and to pleasure himself with. Above all that, youre just like him, thinking only of yourself and plainly disregarding everything else... messing around with you comes only second best to dining on human flesh whenever he's in need of some rich entertainment. And he really believed you'd remain the same, strong/unrelenting/selfish, not by his side per se, but around him, forever.

Until he witnesses you showing a strange interest in someone else... a powerless nobody. An insignificant human man.

That's not right. That's not like you. You should be digging your heel into the man's face from above. You should kill him on the spot. Why are you gazing at him like that instead?

He leaves you be. It must be just a temporary infatuation. Everybody needs a new plaything once in a while, right? And he couldn't care less about what you get up to in your spare time, anyway.

Sukuna turns a blind eye to it for a period of time... and he couldn't have made a bigger mistake. Your little boytoy lasts too long for his liking, and he eventually wants to interfere, to question you on it.

He shows up to where you are, and you're sitting next to the man as if he deserves to even meet you eye-to-eye like that, being such a worthless existence.

He doesn't like it. The way you protectively throw a hand over the vermin behind you. He doesn't like it at all. He considers doing the job for you, to kill him without hesitation, but something stops him from doing so. Maybe it's because he doesn't want to see you get emotional over another's death. The slightest sliver of a chance that it could trigger you to fight sukuna in the name of a third party, other than yourself makes him feel disgusted. That's not what he wants.

He'll drag you away from that insect, instead. He'll remind you of your status, of what kind of man suits you better, suits you best. He'll snip off this growing bud before it blooms.

Sukuna will mock you for getting infatuated with such a lowly being. But you seem shameless. And that irks him. As much as he wants to point out that you're changing, he doesn't, because he knows something is changing in him, too. He shouldn't care this much for a woman like you. If you've displeased him, he should've just killed both you and that man on the spot. But here he is, trying to convince you to stray away from your boytoy.

"But i love him. And he belongs wholly to me. I can see that in his eyes, when i speak to him. He wants to belong to me."

Love? A silly thing. Oh, but maybe that's what sukuna himself is doing to you right now. Loving you. This won't do. Now that he's realised, it's only more reason for him to separate you from the lowlife.

He spends months with you, having you attached to his hip at all times. Not letting you get a glimpse of your little plaything for a while. He pulls on your strings, and seduces you, making sure to confuse and muddle up your feelings, on who you should direct your affection towards. There is only one correct answer.

And when he feels like you're ready, just trained enough to act within his predictions, he brings you over to meet that man once again. To make you kill him with your own hands. Press on his windpipe and watch the life drain out his eyes. Cast away whatever interest you had in him prior.

The man is begging you for mercy, your hands wrapped around his throat, sukuna holding his weak, flimsy body up. His other pair of hands are guiding yours, but not applying any extra pressure. He wants you to do it with your own strength, alone. But he sees you hesitating. It pushes sukuna over the edge, and he does something unthinkable, impulsive.

He makes a promise. A binding vow, no less.

"Kill this man, and I'll be yours forever. Suffocate him to death, and I'll belong to you, the way you belong to me."

You want someone to possess-- and have whole to yourself? You want someone to desire it? Desire you? He'll take that spot. He can fulfill that for you. Nobody but him.

And he continues whispering sweet nothings into your ear from behind, leaving a couple of kisses down your neck, every action coaxing you to grip his throat tighter.

Sukuna groans when eventually the man takes his last breath, with tears in his lifeless eyes, regretful of having ever associated with you. Your hands are steady, and you don't show signs of guilt. You've taken countless lives before. But this one has significant meaning. Marking the beginning of something more important between you and sukuna.

The vow is effective immediately. Something in sukuna is stirring up his guts, but in a pleasantly exciting way. Heat gathers in his lower abdomen, and he drops the now useless body to embrace you instead, and take your lips in his.

This feeling is wonderful. To love, and be loved. You strangled someone dear to you for him, because you wanted him more, and sukuna couldn't be happier.

[abarbaricyalp]

Hi! Intimacy prompt #36 for SamBucky?

#36 being pushed against a wall Sorry this took so long! // CW: Injury/blood

It had been a while since Bucky had been manhandled and he didn't really care for the sensation. The only saving grace was that it was Sam who was doing the shoving.

"What the hell was that?" he demanded as he shook Bucky by the lapels.

Bucky blinked at him, trying to clear dust and grit and flashbang from his eyes. He'd know Sam blind, but he still liked to be able to see him anyway. "I saved your life. You're welcome."

Just below Sam's knuckles, Bucky's heart was beating a ferocious time. There had been many times when Bucky reacted without thinking, pulled off some feat he was sure he wouldn't be able to if he'd intentionally tried. All of them paled in comparison to the blackout he'd just had when he'd realized Sam was directly in the line of fire from a row of combat robots who all had multi-shot weapons trained on him. One moment he was following the trajectory of a barrel, the next he and Sam were on the ground, rolling out of the way.

He'd been too far away to grab Sam. There must have been a running start to it, but Bucky couldn't remember. He didn't remember how he'd tackled Sam or how he kept from crushing him into the unforgiving concrete of the ground. And he wasn't sure how the robots had all ended up exploded, but there was a grenade missing from his tac belt, so he assumed those two things were related.

Sam was standing really close. So close, Bucky could smell the sweat dripping down his face, feel his breath as Sam panted at him, watch a bead of blood as it welled and then fell from his brow.

Then Sam was undressing him, which was a shock to the system.

"What are you doing?" he asked, trying to keep his voice level. It came out bored, which was great since his heart rate had just increased by 33%.

"You were shot," Sam snapped. He was holding Bucky up against the wall with a knee against Bucky's leg and his opposite hip pressed into Bucky's. Christ alive, he was really close. Bucky wasn't sure if he should blame himself or Sam when his forehead came down on Sam's shoulder.

Sam shoved him upright again with a jarring of his shoulder. "Don't pass out," he ordered.

"I got shot?" Bucky finally pieced together. "When?"

The glare Sam leveled on him was enough to stall out the wild beating of his heart and then trip it back into overdrive. He finished getting Bucky's jacket off and--oh, yeah, he'd definitely been shot. He just felt his jacket peel away from three different wounds. Nausea flowed through him briefly, but he got it under control. If he threw up on Sam's boots, he'd never hear the end of it.

"I had it handled. I knew what they were doing," Sam was bitching, voice tight and strained and scared. "Where the hell did you even come from?"

Bucky made his vision stop swaying long enough to focus on Sam's face again. "I was next to you," he said. His voice sounded far away, which was probably not great. He spit out blood and was pleased when no tissue seemed to be present in it. "I was just a few steps away."

"No you weren't," Sam insisted. "You weren't anywhere near me."

Bucky's stomach hurt too much to argue. "It's not like I'm gonna die," he pointed out. "Relax."

That glare came back out. Bucky had the feeling that if he had less holes in him currently, Sam would have already socked him on the shoulder. As it was, the glare was enough to hush Bucky. He couldn't stand it when Sam was mad at him for some avoidable thing, like running his mouth. Sam had the best eyes. Bucky loved to have them on him. But his eyes also expressed hurt far too effectively for Bucky to get away with ignoring what Sam wasn't saying. Especially when they were three hair's breadths away from each other.

Sam pulled out a huge compression bandage and then hiked up Bucky's shirt, ordered him to hold it, and began to apply the bandage to the scattered buckshot that littered Bucky's side. Bucky kept his shirt held up, but his head came back down on Sam's shoulder. He could feel Sam working, hands moving faster now. He wasn't sure which part to blame on the sudden crash--the adrenaline rush fading out, knowing that he'd been hurt, or the fact that it was Sam who was taking care of him now. Bucky was pretty certain there wasn't a safer place in the world for him than right in front of Sam Wilson.

"I was fine," Sam repeated roughly. Bucky had seen him like this once before, but it was a much more serious injury. This was nothing in the grand scheme of things. "Why would you do that? Why did you jump in front of me?"

If he'd had the strength to, Bucky would've lifted his head or blinked in confusion. "Why wouldn't I jump in front of you when someone was pointing space guns at you?"

"Because I was fine and now you're bleeding." Sam lifted Bucky's head for him, both hands on either side of Bucky's face so he could hold Bucky against the wall fully again. The brick or concrete or whatever had gotten warm under his body and Bucky didn't like it. "Look at me," he ordered.

Bucky managed, but only barely. Only because it was Sam giving the order and Sam's face promised at the end. "I'm always gonna save your life," he said, which is exactly what he'd been telling himself not to say. "Because I'm in love with you."

Sam's frantic energy condensed inwards, like a star about to go supernova. It kind of felt like all of the air had been sucked out of Bucky's lungs in the same moment. Not because he was mortified at what he had said. Of course not. It had to do with Sam's energy star supernova thing. Bucky tipped forward again, caught up in the gravity pool of it all.

Then all that cosmic energy was exploding into him. Sam's body was pressed flat against his and the wall behind him was giving away none at all, so Bucky was being held up by nothing at all except Sam, it felt like. Sam, whose hands were still on Bucky's face and who Bucky couldn't get away from, even if he wanted to. He didn't want to. He never wanted this moment to end.

Sam was actually kissing him. Sam Wilson. That felt impossible. Unheard of. Maybe he'd been rattled around too hard by the explosion. Or he'd lost too much blood and had passed out. He was imagining all of this.

"Ow," he said into Sam's mouth when Sam crushed his nose with another desperate push into Bucky's space. "No, wait, don't stop," he added quickly when Sam sank back and took all his star warmth with him.

"You weren't-- You weren't kissing back," Sam objected. "And...and you're bleeding. Oh my God, your face is so pale, you're almost green."

"I don't care," Bucky argued. And he really didn't. He'd kiss Sam until he was blue and purple and red and yellow and green and orange and stripped and spotted and flashing. He brought his metal hand up to Sam's neck, because that was the one still responding to his brain, and pulled him into another kiss. He'd really meant to be kissing Sam the last time. He'd thought he had been. Hell, he was a little out of practice, but he wasn't that bad. (It was difficult to find people worth kissing when who he wanted to be kissing was Sam Wilson) It was just that he was kind of very light headed and he really should sit down but this was more important.

Sam kissed him back, crowding even further into Bucky's space until Bucky was certain he was feeling Sam's heartbeat in his chest instead of his own. This was really good. The best, even.

Then Sam pulled away again, wiping the back of his hand over his own mouth with a slightly horrified, strangled kind of look. "Oh my God, you're bleeding," he repeated.

And, oh. Shit. Was that Bucky's blood on Sam's lips? That was fucking embarrassing. "I'm sorry," he said, which was about just as embarrassing.

"I have to get you to a medic," he insisted.

"Wait, hang on," Bucky interrupted, reaching for Sam's flailing hand as Sam tried to grab him. "Are you gonna keep kissing me if we do that?"

The panic eased off enough for Sam to throw him a disbelieving kind of glare. "Later. Fix your priorities, Barnes."

"My priorities are exactly in the order they need to be in," Bucky assured.

He stepped away from the wall, made it two steps with his fingers wrapped around Sam's wrist, and then immediately collapsed. The world spun around him, vision darkening around the outside. He could hear Sam saying his name and holding his face again. This was not helping the racing of his heart.

"Kissed me right off my feet, Wilson," he said and passed out.

- - -

When he woke up in a hospital bed, the first thing he saw was Sam, sitting beside him, reading. For a moment, Bucky thought he was just seeing what he wanted.

"Did you kiss me?" he asked and then cringed at how wracked his voice sounded.

"You told me you loved me," Sam said without looking away from the book.

"Yeah," Bucky agreed. "Do you want to do it again? Is it a trigger phrase? I love you," he offered.

Sam snorted and looked down at him. "Last time, it was 'I'm in love with you.'"

"I'm still in love with you," Bucky promised. "More now, I think." As he stared up at Sam from the bed and lackluster pillows with wide, slightly medication-heavy eyes, he kind of felt like a loyal dog begging for pets. He was not above begging.

Sam rolled his eyes, but he was smiling and then he was leaning over to kiss Bucky again. This was a thing Bucky was going to get to have and get to do for the foreseeable future. This was great.

The heart monitor Bucky was attached to kicked up instantly.

"It was better up against the wall," he said when Sam sat back a little.

"Uh-huh," Sam said doubtfully. "I'll hold you up against something." And he kissed Bucky again.

[lxndonorris]

blushing papaya - Lando Norris

Y/N x Lando Norris Theme: Fluff as the daughter of a ferrari strategist, you're able to attend races. Thats when you developed a crush on Lando x word count: 1390+ request by @gemwrestling, hope its okay! :S

It's the end of the first practice session this weekend. After raining for most of the session, and with the sun hiding behind a thin veil of clouds, a few warm rays manage to break through. However, it is still pretty cold, when you find yourself inside the Ferrari garage as journalists, mechanics, and of course, the drivers are running around the paddock, giving interviews, chatting, and laughing. Dreamily, you're leaning against the inside of the garage, watching two drivers chat with one another. Ferraris Charles Leclerc and McLarens Lando Norris are talking about their sessions, both of them smiling and motioning with their hands.

This year, your father got the job as one of the Ferrari strategists, after applying to more than a dozen different jobs, and your whole family is more than excited for him to work for this iconic team. Luckily, you can join him every other weekend, attend races, meet new people, and live this life. That's when you met both of your drivers, Charles and Carlos, and you bonded right away. You're especially close to Carlos, who's acting more like a big brother to you, while Charles is the one getting you into trouble. To be fair, he manages well, and most of the time, he gets you out of trouble as well.

Someone, however, caught your attention right away. The person Charles is talking to right now, Lando. You've met him a few times while hanging around with Carlos, and even though he acts shy at first, he is one of the most fun-loving, passionate drivers on the grid. Looking into his beautiful eyes, you couldn't help yourself but develop a crush on him.

Now, you're watching him closely, the way his face twists and turns, through multiple emotions while recounting his good training session, or the way his well-formed body moves when he talks. That's the other thing, his pretty physique attracts you as well. Lando is even growing a little beard, a light stubble, which you need to get used to, but somehow, it suits him well. "You're not even listening." A voice snaps you out of your dream, causing you to flinch shortly. "Uhhh, whaaat?" You say, turning around to see Carlos standing there, wearing his red racing suit, his hair messy, and a coy smirk spreading across his lips. "I….I was just thinking, about…"

Thinking quickly, you try to come up with a reasonable response, but then, he approaches you, to stand by your side. "What were you looking at anyway." He says, gently pushing you aside with his hip, to get the best possible angle. "Hey!" You protest, but when you turn around, both of you are looking straight at Charles and Lando, snickering and smiling. "Ahhh," Carlos says, his voice turning into a giggle. "I see." Blushing heavily, you pout. "I don't even know what you're talking about." You say, unable to look at anything but Lando. "Oh?." Carlos smiles, turning his face to you, a faint glimmer shining inside his eyes. "It's okay, Y/N. I get it." He smiles warmly and turns his face again before he starts to take his gloves off.

"Carlos. I don't know what you're talking about." You try your best to stop your face from turning as red as your Ferrari shirt, but you know he's looking right through you. "Okay. Okay." He hides a smile by biting his lower lip. Then, he straightens his back and stretches his arms, letting out a low groan. "You should tell Lando, you know." Blinking a few times, the sound of his voice sends shivers down your spine. "How do you know it's Lando?" You say without hesitation. Carlos tilts his head triumphantly. "Please, that's obvious," Carlos says, running a hand through his messy hair. Before you can respond, however, he takes a step toward you, again tilting his head. "Just the way your eyes light up when you look at him, your smile when he's around, or simply the way you're a little more nervous when talking to him."

Going through all of your interactions inside your mind, you cannot disagree with any of those. "I cannot tell him. What if he doesn't like me back. That would be so awkward." Carlos gives you a knowing look, basically telling you that that won't happen. "Well, Y/N." He says, taking a step back into the garage. "You will never know until you try." Thinking deeply, you look at him shrugging. "I will talk to you later." Carlos waves and heads inside for his debrief, but at first, he looks at something, someone behind you, and smiles warmly. Turning around, expecting to see Charles, you bump into someone else. "Oh, Y/N. I'm sorry." Lando is standing right in front of you, and to steady yourself, you placed both of your hands on his firm chest. "Oh, uh, no. It's my fault." You stutter, your eyes wandering across his chest, his neck, and even further upright to his beautiful eyes.

At first, he smiles quickly, before his eyes wander down his own body, looking right at your hands on his pecs. You're touching him, feeling his strong chest heaving against the palm of your hand. Instantly, you start to admire his form, the way he looks wearing that racing suit. It looks like it's hand-made for him, the fabric swirling around his whole body smoothly, flattering him flawlessly. For a second, you stand there, unable to move, before you regain your composure. "Oh, fu….I am sorry, Lando." You say, pulling your hands away quickly. Blushing, you wish for a hole to form underneath you, swallowing you whole. "That's okay, I startled you." He smiles warmly, and for a second, there is an awkward silence hovering between you, before you two open your mouths, trying to say something, but at the same time, interrupting each other.

Sharing a quick laugh, both of you blush now. "You first." He says kindly. "Did you want to talk to Carlos? I think he's going for his debrief now." You say, looking behind you to maybe spot Carlos still running around the garage, but he's nowhere to be seen. But when you turn back to Lando, you catch him smiling shyly, his eyes wandering all over your face. "Actually." He growls quietly. "I wanted to talk to you," Lando says, acting shyer than usual. "Mmmmeee?" You say, feeling your stomach now acting up, twisting and turning. Lando nods warmly, and you notice him slowly, gently stroking himself, running a hand across his chest, the other through his hair. "What can I do for you?" You say, trying your best to hide your nervosity behind a polite smile. Are you that obvious? Was Carlos right? Does Lando know as well? It's still time you turn around and leave, hide somewhere, maybe inside someone's motorhome.

A million thoughts are running through your mind, looking for something, some way to escape, but then, Lando opens his mouth again, taking a deep breath. 'What is he doing?' You think, when suddenly. "Do you want to, get something to eat? During the break?" Lando says quickly, nearly stumbling over his own words while his voice breaks slightly. Unable to respond, you slowly tilt your head slightly, blinking a few times. "Huh?" A low squeak escapes your mouth, no matter how hard you tried to keep it in. "Oh, uh, I understand you're busy… I just thought, eh, maybe.." Lando goes into panic mode, and you can tell he's as anxious as you are.

"No, uhm. I mean. That sounds great." Stunned, the two of you exchange a few awkward smiles before he finally realizes what you just said.

"Uhh, so food?" Lando smiles and steadies his hands on his hips. "I am so hungry." You say, and subconsciously, you hold your stomach. Not necessarily through hunger, but more due to the knot forming inside it. "Me too." He smiles again, both of you as red as that car standing inside the Ferrari garage. Together, you make your way through the paddock toward a little food truck handing out self-made hamburgers. You're enjoying your break with Lando, talking about his training session, the upcoming race, and the possibility of a podium. Before the next part of training is about to start, you set another time for a date, this time, away from prying eyes.

[zuko-always-lies]

Suyin Beifong is such a weird character narratively

In many ways, she's the weirdest character in ATLA or LoK in her place in the story, considering her actions and beliefs. Let's just walk through everything.

Suyin got herself involved in criminal activities and street gangs as a kid and helped rob stuff. Then she scarred Lin when Lin tried to arrest her for that. And the fallout from that is implied to have led to Toph retiring.

After that, Suyin was sent to live with her (extremely wealthy) grandparents. After a while, she left them and began traveling the world and trying out various things, including being part of a traveling circus, living in a sandbender commune, and joining the crew of a pirate ship. Note that pirates rob and kill people. Note also that Suyin seems to have felt just about zero remorse for any of the above, and expected and demanded that Lin forgive her for everything without getting an apology.

Eventually, Suyin had had enough of all the traveling and robbing and killing and circus performing, so she used her vast, vast family wealth and bought a plot of land to build her own city on.

Zaofu seems to be essentially a Beifong family dictatorship defined by Suyin's ideological beliefs. As far as I can tell, the guiding principles of the city are "progress," "modernity," harmony, order, and control. After all, as Suyin says "Thanks to Aiwei, there are no secrets in our city," and she evidentially likes that a lot. The degree to which Suyin values absolute control over her city can also be seen in how incredibly outraged she gets when Kuvira, Baatar Jr., and some other citizens decide to leave on their own initiative. Her anger at Aiwei's betrayal ("I want you to hunt down Aiwei and bring him back to me") also fits the same pattern. Interestingly, Kuvira always claims to have gotten 90% of her fascist ideology from Suyin and Zaofu, and I actually think she was telling the truth, that Zaofu was a city organized on proto-fascist principles and Kuvira merely applied its principles to the wider Earth Kingdom.

Now perhaps we should turn to Suyin's relationship with Kuvira, which always seems very odd to me. Suyin took Kuvira in when Kuvira was a young child and trained her and claims "Kuvira was like a daughter to me." Yet Suyin never seems to really treat Kuvira like a daughter when the two interact on screen, nor do Suyin's children seem to see Kuvira as a sister. Notably, when Suyin introduces her family to Korra, she doesn't include Kuvira, nor is Kuvira invited to the dinners with Team Avatar. It's all very weird.

Anyways, Korra first arrives at Zaofu, Suyin seems to expect her, the Avatar, to stay in Zaofu relatively permanently to personally tutor Opal in airbending. The idea that Korra has other important responsibilities which don't involve personally serving Suyin's interests doesn't seem to cross Suyin's mind. We also find that Suyin is sheltering Varrick and Zhu Li, awful, highly amoral criminals, from justice since they're useful. On the plus side, Suyin is willing to personally teach Korra and even Bolin metalbending. She even eventually offers an apology to Lin for her behavior when younger, an something which helps reconciles the siblings. Suyin even allows Opal to leave for the Northern Air Temple.

Then the Red Lotus attacks, Suyin helps drive them off, etc. Everyone realizes that the Red Lotus had inside help, Suyin uses Aiwei the lie detector to search for the traitor, it turns out Aiwei was the traitor, he flees, Suyin is suitably outraged, and so on. Then we get to something "interesting": Korra wants Team Avatar to go after Aiwei, Lin (correctly) points out that this is way too dangerous, and then Suyin lies to and deceives Lin to make her think Suyin agrees with her and go bed, before personally sending Team Avatar after Aiwei anyways, something which goes very poorly. Suyin and Lin have barely reconciled, and practically first thing Suyin does is lie to and manipulate her sister. And yeah, Lin is pretty pissed that Suyin "stabbed her in the back" next time they talk, but essentially the entire thing blows over with zero consequences for Suyin.

The next thing that Suyin really does in the narrative is lead Zaofu's security forces to help Korra, Team Avatar, Lin, and Tonraq take on the Red Lotus and rescue the airbenders. This is objectively a good thing, but it's also interesting, considering what we later learn about Suyin's isolationist beliefs. However, it's worth pointing out that Suyin had several personal motives for her actions here: Her daughter Opal is one of the airbending hostages, Lin her sister is evidentially going to be involved, and the Red Lotus had the temerity to attack Zaofu and Suyin is probably pretty pissed about that. Without these "ulterior" motives, I doubt Suyin would have been willing to get involved. Then Suyin helps everyone else defeat the Red Lotus, but doesn't really do anything too interesting as part of that. Cut to Book 4.

What Suyin mostly does through Book 4 is oppose Kuvira, but we still get some interesting material as part of that. We learn that Suyin was asked to help stabilize the Earth Kingdom between books, but she refused. Considering how the children she raised ended up handling things, it's very likely that Suyin would have ended up becoming a (bigger) fascist dictator, so Suyin's refusal is also probably a good thing, even though refusing to provide aid to a country in anarchy probably isn't the best thing.

Kuvira and Baatar Jr. disagree about this, and they leave for Ba Sing Se with "Varrick, my security force, and a few of Zaofu's wealthiest citizens." Suyin is so outraged she responds by declaring them (or at least Kuvira) exiles, forever banished from Zaofu. We also see the start of a couple tendencies which will reoccur in the season. These are Suyin blaming Kuvira for Baatar Jr.'s bad actions and Zaofu's citizens being pretty OK with Kuvira and her actions, while only the Beifong family hates her.

Next time we see Suyin, it's at Prince Wu's "coronation." Normally Suyin would absolutely despise a royal idiot like Wu, but she hates Kuvira so much that she's willing to join the other world leaders in imposing him on the Earth Kingdom (as a useful lackey?). After that doesn't work out, Suyin tries to convince Kuvira to step down, something which goes poorly.

A couple episodes later, Kuvira shows up with an army and demands Suyin surrender Zaofu, something that Suyin understandably is pissed about. Mutual recriminations result, Suyin again blames Kuvira for all the actions of her fascist dictator son, and so on. Korra tries to continue negotiations, but Suyin has already left to try to assassinate Kuvira in her sleep. That's maybe a reasonable reaction to what Kuvira is doing, but it's an odd way to treat someone who is "like a daughter" to you. There's also evidence that Suyin doesn't really get that people are legitimately loyal to Kuvira and legitimately believe in her ideology, or that Baatar Jr. agrees with Kuvira, is equally complicit in her policies, and would continue leading the Earth Empire in its conquests if she died. Anyways, Suyin's attempt fails, she ends up captured, and ultimately she's forced to watch Zaofu's citizenry bow to Kuvira and cheer her. Although there was still coercion involved, the fact that only the Beifong family refused to bow is still evidence that the "Metal Clan's" general population has a reasonably positive view of Kuvira and her ideology and the only reason the Beifongs don't is because they have a personal vendetta against her. After all, Kuvira's ideology derives from Zaofu.

After that, Suyin doesn't do too much, narratively. She escapes with her family from Kuvira and Baatar Jr.'s prison for them and she opposes Kuvira's attempt to conquer Republic City. Again, that's objectively a good thing, but Suyin opposing it also makes perfect sense given the depth of her vendetta against Kuvira. The only interesting thing is that Suyin instantly forgives her fascist dictator son and doesn't hold him the least bit accountable for his actions, while continuing to hate Kuvira after she apologizes. Again, more evidence that Suyin does not, in fact, view Kuvira as a part of the family.

Overall, Suyin is narratively very weird. Based on all that I've discussed above, it's clear that she's very much not a good person, nor is she particularly likeable. She basically runs a mini-fascist dictatorship, after all. Yet Suyin not only gets a massive amount of narrative attention (it seems like some of the writers really liked the idea of her and her family), but is always an ally of the protagonists and is never held truly accountable for her actions. Considering who she is as a person and her backstory, having her be an antagonist or villain would in many ways make more sense, but that's not the route they went.

TLoK was really into giving its antagonists half-assed redemption/quasi-redemption arcs (Tarrlok, Desna and Eska, Varrick, Zhu Li, Tahno, Zaheer, Hiroshi Sato, Baatar Jr., Kuvira), but Suyin doesn't really fit into this paradigm, since she was never an antagonist in the first place. The only characters across ATLA and TLoK who really remind me of her, in terms of being bad people who are never really called out by the narrative, are King Bumi, Varrick and Zhu Li, and Iroh.

Of these, King Bumi is a complete dick, but he's a much more minor character than Suyin and gets away with a lot due to being a "comedy" character.

Varrick is an absolutely awful person, but the narrative lets him avoid consequences for that since he's likeable and funny. Zhu Li really just tags along with his narrative.

Iroh is morally grey at best in the present and morally black in the past, but again the narrative avoids calling him out about it since he's funny and likeable and nice to the most audience sympathetic character, Zuko. The narrative even starts painting him as perfect and a saint after a certain point, something which continued in TLoK.

Suyin isn't like any of them. She's not a comedy character. She's not funny or likeable. And it's not like the narrative paints her as perfect, like it does for Iroh. She sometimes suffers the consequences of her actions, and I think she's supposed to come off as significantly flawed. On the other hand, the narrative never really calls out Suyin for any of her terrible behavior, bad actions, or general bullshit. She's never held truly accountable in any way for anything. It's all very odd.

[burnthoneydrops]

can you write another jaime tartt imagine with a his girlfriend borrowing one of his headbands?

Tickle Fight (j.t. x gn!reader)

pairing: jamie tartt x gn!reader

word count: 678

warnings: language?

a/n: ahh! another jamie tartt request coming at you! i ended up making this one gender neutral unintentionally cause nothing really came up while i was writing it about it being a girlfriend specifically (which was kinda cool). hope you enjoy!!

You’re cleaning up the water that spilled on the bathroom counter from you washing your face when Jamie calls out from the bedroom. “Babe?”

“Yeah?” You hang the towel back on the hook and take note of the fact that it sounds like he’s rummaging around for something. 

“Have you seen my headband?” 

“Which one darling? You have about seven million,” you comment as you apply moisturiser. 

“The one I was using at training yesterday, it’s slightly scuffed at the corners,” he says as he closes one of the drawers. 

“Nope, I don’t think I’ve seen that one. Not since yesterday anyway,” it’s not like you were totally staring at it in the mirror or anything. 

“Are you sure? Cause I could have sworn I put it on my nightstand but-” he comes around to the bathroom doorway and stops when he sees you. “What have you got there?” 

You put the moisturiser container down as you quickly swipe the headband off your head, gripping it behind your back. “Nothing”. 

“Oh no, you can’t hide from me now, I’ve seen it. How dare you!” 

“Jamie no, I swear, I didn’t know it was yours,” you try to save yourself, already knowing where this is going. 

“Oh, uh-huh, totally believe that,” he darts one arm to grab the headband from behind you, but you move to the side. “If you’ve got nothing to hide, then why can’t I see your hands?” 

“Listen, love, it’s not that serious,” he darts out his other arm, causing you to move to the other side. 

“Damn babe, with reaction speed like that, we should get you out on the pitch”. You smile, thinking you’ve distracted him long enough for you to sneak past him and out of the bathroom, but he doesn’t budge, blocking the doorway. “Now, let’s try this again. Have you seen my headband?” He raises an eyebrow, smiling slightly. 

“Nope,” you don’t even think, wanting to see how long he’ll hold this up. 

“Alright then, you leave me no choice,” he quickly wraps his arms around your waist, hoisting you off the floor and carrying you over his shoulder back into the bedroom. 

“No Jamie!” you laugh, “put me down!” 

“Nope, not happening babe. You lie, you have to deal with the consequences”. He lays you down on the bed, and you raise your hands so the headband is now over your head. “Aha! Would you like to hand it over now?” 

“Never!” You’re laughing like a little kid. 

“Fine, have it your way,” he smirks before leaning in to tickle you, running his quick fingers up and down your sides. Your legs kick his thighs, trying to get him to stop nonverbally as you can’t breath from how much you’re laughing. 

“Jamie, Jamie please!” You finally get out after a quick breath. 

“No headband, no stopping,” he carries on. 

“Fine!” you fling your arms forward, “here’s your stupid headband!” 

Jamie grabs it, striking a victorious pose, holding the headband in the air. “Aha! Victory is mine at last!” 

You roll your eyes and scoff, “you’re just lucky it looks good on you”. 

“Oh you think it looks good on me huh?” He questions as he pushes his hair back with it. 

“No! Don’t get all cocky now-” 

“Too late, you already said it,” Jamie once again grabs your waist, but this time he leans all his weight forward so he falls on top of you. “You think I’m hot”. 

“Jesus Christ you’re heavy, get off of me!” You shoot back, though it’s muffled by Jamie’s shoulder. 

“Just admit it babe, you can’t get enough of this,” he replies, planting a kiss on your cheek. 

“Fine, you’re hot or whatever”. 

“Now, was that so hard?” Jamie questions as he puts all his weight on his arms, pushing himself up and off of you. 

You flip him off, rolling over to the other side of the bed as Jamie falls back down to his previous position and cuddles up behind you. He may be dramatic, but you love him for it

[luvyunjinxo]

my boss || g1p!kcw x fem!reader ★

smut just for her birthday, love you kim chaewon <3. (please im still stuck in july I'm not in august yet 💀) & not proofread.

I have a job interview, you thought to yourself while getting dressed. you sprayed your strawberry shortcake perfume on and you smelled like a goddess, you were ready. As soon as you walked through the halls of the company it felt like a breath of fresh air really. you made your way to none other than the CEO's room, Kim Chaewon. you were put into some sort of line? It was basically a line of people who applied too. you were nervous, you could hear throughout the room "NEXT, you weren't good enough" and sobs of people crying.

She was tough and you knew it. you had to show her the best you could be. You were next in line, and you were nervous as hell, sweat beads dripping down your neck every two seconds, but made sure to wipe it.

"Next, Y/n?" Her assistant asked

"Yes ma'am."

"So, what do you usually do for a living?" Her assistant asked all the questions while chaewon was eyeing you from the middle of the room observing your every move.

"Schedule her for the next round, she is now apart of our team. Get her to the training room now." Chaewon suddenly spoke, leaving you frozen in your spot. you didn't even know why she accepted you so fast, only one question was asked..

You were escorted to chaewon's main office, which I guess was the training room? all the current employees were giving you weird looks and saying "fighting!" to you as you walked by, treating you as if you were special. was going to her room something big? you kept wondering, but shook it off once you got to her room.

"Ms. Kim will be here in a few minutes please wait patiently. You may watch on the TV for now, just be comfortable." You gave her a smile smile and nod as she walked off into the distance. now sitting on her couch, you decided to watch your favorite k-dramas. A few minutes my ass, she took a whole hour so you decided to get comfy.

Suddenly chaewon barges in without knocking, making her way to sit at her desk and you fix yourself immediately and bowed at her. "No need to greet me, just come towards me." She signaled to come her way with her index finger, as you went closer you could smell her aroma. it was sweet like a dessert, you wanted to smell more.

"You're now hired as my assistant, I see potential in you and don't fuck it up. I fired my last one just for you, I'm telling you don't mess up."

you were now working for chaewon and it has been a month. she has gotten more strict with you but also friendly in a way. she would ask you on dates professionally as business, but nothing else.

anyways, you got called up to her office like you always did but it was something different. chaewon was on her desk chair, no top on and only in her bra, typing on her computer innocently.

"s-should I come back later?"

"no, stay. I have a task for you do you think you can handle it?"

"yes ma'am."

"I need you y/n." that sentence hit your ears and echoed throughout it too. you couldn't believe her words.

"what d-do you mean by needing me ms?"

"don't act dumb. get on the desk now, and do as you're told."

you walked over to her desk as she cleared everything off of it shoving all her papers on the floor, as you hopped onto her desk making sure not to put all your weight on it. her lips connected with yours fighting for dominance leaving a moan every now and then, but you gave out quickly leaving you out of breath. you continued to have a heated make out session as she started unbuttoning your top revealing your embarrassing matching lace set.

her lips disconnected with yours leaving a string of saliva attached to your mouths, leaving her more aroused. she started to give you sloppy kisses down to your neck trailing down to your mounds as she started using her tongue to flick and play with your buds leaving you sensitive. "m-ms kim .." you managed to breathe out. "it's mommy for you princess."

she started to unzip your plaid skirt and undressed you fully, you were butt-naked by the time everything was off. she lead you to her couch as she sat down and started to undress herself as well and you started to go down on your knees.

"suck." she demanded while she pulled her cock out, it wasn't too big nor small, it was just right. you started sucking on her tip as you made your way lower, & she pushed your head more down causing you to gag on her, which caused her to chuckle seeing how pathetic you are. she demanded you to stop as she put you on all fours on the couch and rubbed her cock against your ass. ugh, you couldn't take it anymore.

"Please, I can't take the teasing a-anymore." you whined out but she never listened and just started to toy with your clit and nothing else.

"beg for it." you hated begging so much it hurt your pride. but it was your boss you couldn't resist.

"Gosh, I need it! I cant handle it anymore it's too much teasing!" you screamed out. she inserted it fast, not letting you have time to adjust and started to pound into you like a puppy in the heat. you were drooling at that point. she put on of your legs over the couch so she could get a wider access of you.

"I can't- please- let me c-cum .." she thrusted into you harder as she finished before you and came into you, causing you panic at first but she let you finish so you didn't care. that was the best sex you've had.

"you did so good for me baby, but I'm not even done yet. I think you should come over and we could finish this. such a good girl you are for me hm?" she said while lifting your chin up and making you open your mouth. she spit into your mouth making you swallow like the good pathetic assistant you are<3.

"let's go now shall we? we have the whole night ahead of us, its gonna be long."

[godbirdart]

I don't know if this is a dumb question or not, but I always wanted to study my favorite artists and their art. However, I don't really know how to do it or where to start? Can you give any tips for that? Thanks for responding heh!

not a dumb question at all!! all artists do studies - it's one of the fundamentals you're taught in school! [most of the time, anyway]

a couple things i want to preface this with: we live in an era where art theft is a super-rampant problem. some artists are gonna be flattered you want to study them, and others are gonna have a kneejerk reaction that someone might be trying to plagiarize their work. it's an unfortunate reality, but it is what it is. if you're doing 1:1 art studies based on an online artist's work, unless you ask permission from that artist, or make it super aggressively painfully clear that it is indeed an art study, keep those studies private.

if an artist is prominent enough online and their fans recognize the work that you're studying, those fans may also accuse you of art theft on the artist's behalf; even if the artist doesn't mind / even if theft is not your intention. again - unfortunate reality, but this is the world we live in.

i don't want to scare you off from doing art studies! i think it's fair to say a large number artists don't mind if people want to do art studies based on their work - it's just a lot of artists are so conditioned from having to deal with people stealing their work and claiming it as their own that they may bite your head off out of habit.

BUT THAT ASIDE, there are a variety of ways to do art studies, such as:

1:1 reference, looking at the Thing and drawing it

Interpretation and application, applying the technique as you draw

Tracing [yeah i SAID IT. we'll talk about this below]

1:1 reference is straightforward. You look at the piece that you want to study, and you eyeball it as you try to replicate it on your own canvas.

this was drawn SUPER fast for this example image so greymon's gonna look wonky as i'm only half paying attention, but you get it.

next up, interpretation / application. if you've got a grasp on the technique, or are following a tutorial, here is where you apply it! depending on What you're trying to emulate, it can take dozens or hundreds of test runs to get the application down. try, try again. keep looking at your reference or following the tutorial. you'll get there!

again hurried sketches for this post, but here is Luger as a style study - specifically taking notes on how the character is Drawn [ie; the nose shape, the way the cheek fluff swoops up to the ear, etc] and applying that to the drawing.

Finally, Tracing. The age-old Forbidden Technique. Now, tracing comes with specific guidelines, and they include but are not limited to the following:

Tracing is a form of practice, but it is for the benefit of your muscle memory learning and should be treated as such.

Pretty obvious, but you should not claim traced work as your own original creation. Don't post traced work anywhere, offline or online, not even if it's labelled as an art study. Once you're done with it, throw it out. Delete it. Do not keep traced work. Deleting traces should be a mental checkpoint of: "okay, you've absorbed that information. now go grab a blank canvas and apply what you've learned".

If practising by tracing, it should be done sparingly. If you rely on tracing for every art study you're not gonna learn to draw it yourself; kind of like using training wheels for a bike. You may gain the muscle memory for how to peddle, but you're not going to learn how to balance unless you try it on your own.

an important note about studying an artist's style:

If you like an artist's work, it can be be beneficial to pinpoint the specific elements you like instead of the whole style. I say this largely because many growing artists try to emulate just one artist's work at a time. There's not really anything wrong with this, we all gotta learn somehow, but it CAN be the difference between developing your own style quicker, or unintentionally looking like you're ripping off your favourite artist. I'm not gonna get into "Style Theft", i really don't care to get into it, but if you're studying just one artist's style it can potentially be a detriment to your identity as an artist online.

While you're studying, pick out what you like about the artist's work. Do you like the way their lineart looks? How they shade? Is it a particular feature or way they draw something? Focus on those key elements if that's what's got you latched onto their work. It also helps if you can find tutorials or brushes that the artist may have used or that look similar to what you're aiming for in your own work.

All artists styles are an amalgamation of what's inspired them over the years; little bits and pieces of what they've learned from watching / studying others. at some point their style may flourish into something completely unrecognizable from their roots, but over the years you can see how they arrived there. Your style should be a celebration of your path of an artist! even if you aren't happy with your art now, it can only grow from here.

btw here are a handful of my study inspos - some of which I'm still studying even today! i take most of my inspo from animation.

i wish you much success in your art studies!!! ;w;

[anqelically]

LOVING YOU | YUTA OKKOTSU X FEM!READER

004. UNKNOWN SUSPICION

CHAPTER SUMMARY: You and your fellow first years are taking a break from training when an important question comes up— What were you guys going to eat for lunch?

CHAPTER WARNINGS: None other than this is a filler-ish chapter

WORD COUNT: 1.4K

MASTERLIST | CH3 | CH5

You didn't exactly find training to be a thrilling practice. It was necessary for you to train as a sorcerer, but there was something about training with Okkotsu that made you look forward to it. She'd show up with a bright smile, waving at him.

"Maybe I subconsciously want to be a teacher..."

"What?"

"Huh?"

Snapping out of your thoughts, you straightened her back. You were sitting with the other first years on the stairs near the training field because you all needed a quick break. All of you besides Maki, anyway. The Zenin took a break just for the hell of it.

You wiped the sweat off of her forehead and turned to Maki with a weak smile, "Nothing! Heh, I was just thinking about things."

"Those things were being a teacher. Piece of advice: don't. It'll turn out bad," Maki bluntly remarked.

Panda chimed in, "You're terrible at explaining science and math subjects, even if you understand them well."

"Y/N... this doesn't make sense. Should I ask Tsumiki?"

"Yeah, probably. Sorry about that, Megumi."

Inumaki nodded, "Salmon. Bonito flakes tuna."

You gasped in offense before you pouted, "I'm way better at jujutsu than teaching? You guys are so mean... but aren't wrong."

"At least you're self-aware," Panda shrugged.

For the 4 months you've been classmates, you've become extremely close as friends. Okkotsu noticed this as he observed his classmates, his hands supporting his elbows. In the 3 weeks he's been in the school, he was getting the hang of how things go.

Though, it was still hard in some aspects. He couldn't understand Inumaki at all besides for when the platinum-haired boy nods or shakes his head. Then there was Maki, who was just more hard-headed and blunt. Okkotsu couldn't even count the number of times he's felt shivers run down his spine within her presence.

When it came to you and Panda, however, he was fine with your presence. You had been kind to him from the start and the same applied to Panda. Panda just the comedian of the group, and you the mother.

"I think you're doing great, Y/N-san," Okkotsu scratched the back of his neck. "You're great at teaching me! And uh- nice too. The best teachers are nice. Wait... Well, that's just my personal opinion."

You all stared as he rambled, some words understandable and others in whispers. You were just plainly staring at him before your lips turned up into a smile. It warmed your heart to see him be supportive.

You gently elbowed Okkotsu's arm, "At least someone believes in me. Come on, let's show them I'm not so bad!"

"Yeah!" Okkotsu played along as you giggled.

Panda closely observed as you two grabbed your bamboo practice swords and went into the field. There was an unknown suspicion lingering in his gut that he couldn't place.

You and Okkotsu stood some feet apart with your swords drawn in front of each other. The boy's face washed over with determination while yours had stayed neutral.

You attacked first, swinging your sword down as Okkotsu blocked it by backing up and allowing your bamboo sword to hit the top of his. He moved his tool clockwise and tried to hit your shoulder when you blocked it.

"So how has transitioning to here been?" you questioned when you skipped back a step. "To your liking?"

"Um... I guess it's alr-ack!"

Okkotsu paused for a moment to answer, and that was enough for you to sweep him off his feet and point your weapon to his head. The ravenette was visibly surprised.

You withdrew your practice sword and held her hand out for Okkotsu. He took it after staring for a moment and looked down at the hand that held the bamboo item.

"Sorry for distracting you. I wanted to see if you can multi-task, but I guess you can't for now," you sheepishly scratched your cheek.

Okkotsu glanced up with a flush of embarrassment, "I-it's alright. Practice is practice, right? I can't free Rika if I don't practice... Can we try again?"

"Yeah, of course," you had nodded before you two went at it again.

You continued training and even had Maki join the fighting at times. It was when you and Okkotsu were panting on the ground that you both decided to call it off.

"Training doesn't work if you're doing it until you're that tired," Maki stood above you and looked down. "You'll be too exhausted to do any more tomorrow when your body is sore."

You tried to get as much oxygen into you system so your body would ache less, "Help me up?"

Maki held both of her arms out and you took them both. You dusted yourself off just in case there was any dirt on your clothes, then picked up the bamboo weapon.

"It's a Friday, right?" you asked your friends, to which they responded yes. "And it's lunch time?" They all nodded, one in confusion and the other three already knowing the deal.

"W-what?" Okkotsu jumped when Maki placed her hands on his shoulders from behind.

Maki's face was serious, "Don't let her win."

"Let her win...? What are you talking about, Maki-san?"

Panda joined in, "Just trust us. We need you on our side, Yuta."

"Salmon," Inumaki nodded.

"Are you guys teaming up on me?" You pouted, "That's unfair."

And that's when you and Maki stood in front of each other with determined faces. Okkotsu thought you were going to fight until...

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"

...he realized that the situation wasn't all that serious. Okkotsu looked at Panda for any explanation but received none since the cursed corpse was paying attention to the match, which you won.

Maki cursed, "Argh, dammit! I knew I should've chosen paper."

You were then faced with going against Inumaki. You both showed your choices— scissors and paper. You began to gleam from another win.

"Lose and you're a day closer to death," Maki placed Okkotsu right in front of you, who told the Zenin to not scare him like that.

'Is no one going to tell me what's even going on!?'

You explained as if you had read his mind, "It's a friendly thing we do to choose where to go out to eat. We can all be indecisive at times."

"Ohhh," Okkotsu nervously chuckled, "then do I really have to die if I lose?"

"I didn't say I would kill you. I only told you that you'd be a day closer to your death."

"Isn't that the same thing?"

"No."

Panda began to complain, "Hurry up! I'm hungry!"

Maki pointed out, "You can't even eat, you walking stuffed animal."

"Does that mean Panda doesn't get to choose? Since he can't eat," the special grade sorcerer was curious.

"Hm, maybe we can do rock, paper, scissors to sort out where and what we'll eat?"

"I'm a panda so I can't go out unless you lot want to buy a cart of sausages."

"...Maybe we shouldn't do rock, paper, scissors."

Panda obnoxiously shook his head, "A common misconception! Everything I eat turns into cursed energy, so it's better for us all."

Maki sourly looked to the side, "It's so stupid. Panda doesn't choose because we'll end up on a sausage diet. It's disgusting."

"Not disgusting."

"Disgusting."

You then intervened so that the two wouldn't continue. You knew that if they did, Maki would get irritated enough to attack Panda, who they all silently agreed was her personal punching bag. Well, everyone besides Panda himself.

"Anyway, Y/N is still a bad option too. All this steak and sushi is killing me."

You deadpanned, "And all the junk food you eat doesn't?"

"At least there's more variety. Sweet, salty, savory. There's a whole lotta options I got compared to the same old sushi and steak."

"A whole lot of options that have much more calories and aren't as healthy," you pointed out. "If you won as much as I did, our bellies would grow huge with all the junk food."

"We'll burn it off with all this training we do." Maki paused in thought, "But the thought of turning out like Panda is horrifying."

"Wha-!? Why do you always drag me into it?"

“Easy target.”

“Tuna tuna.”

WRITTEN: 02/19/2022

AUTHOR’S NOTE:

your average slice of life filler (of sorts) chap apologies😓

[theorahsart]

Would you happen to be able to compile a list of all the evidence/mentioned traits you know of that point towards Robespierre having autism, possibly with some sources of said evidence? You have my deepest gratitude if you do happen to be so kind as to take the time to answer this ask.

Hello! I'm sorry for taking a while to answer this- it of course was the kind of ask that requires some time to write! I'm gonna break it up into two posts, I hope that's okay. I'll just @ you when I do the next part.

I feel like I should start with saying that I'm not an expert in history (feel like I have loads to learn tbh). But I am an expert in autism, as I'm autistic, and know the topic thoroughly from cultural/social/medical perspectives- several of my educational comics are used in training programs by doctors and diagnoticians. So, you can trust everything I say about autism in this post.

You probably can't trust everything I say about Robespierre though lol. Compared to some actual historians I've talked to here, I haven't developed the skills of being able to discern when the info I get in books can be fully trusted, and the more I study Frev the more evident it is that just because I've read smth in a book, doesn't mean it can be trusted as fact haha. I've read 3 different posts from different historians in the last year that've debunked several 'facts' presented to me in published books loool

But anyway! I still personally think Robespierre was autistic, and I'll lay out why in the 2nd post.

I think it would take me more free time than I have to list *all* the evidence I've come across, so it seems best to break down how you diagnose autism in modern day, and then put that in context to some examples.

So this first part is just explaining *one way* in which medical professionals break down autism and the traits. Then in the next post I'll explain how I've applied those to Robespierre specifically.

How we think about and diagnose autism from modern day pov

I wanna start by breaking down how diagnoticians think about Autism specifically.

Autism doesn't encompass a specific set of traits that every single person must have in order to be diagnosed, because autistic traits vary so much from person to person.

Instead, you break down a diagnosis into different areas of life in which someone might be struggling. How this is broken down can vary a little between tests, but it's generally split into these areas:

Social

Social reciprocity (how sociable you are with others)

Non verbal comminication

Verbal communication

Maintaining relationships

Restrictive and Repetitive behaviour

Repetitive speech or movements (basically stimming)

Routines and change

Highly fixed/intense interests

Hyper or hypo reaction to sensory input

And then basically, if enough of these areas are having a significant impact on your life, you're dx'd as Autistic.

You can see when broken down in this way, that:

You can be doing fine in some of these areas, but still be dx'd if there's a lot of other areas listed you're struggling in.

A NT person will likely have some sort of trouble in one or two of the listed areas (because we all have strengths and weaknesses). That doesn't mean they're autistic.

An autism dx is concluded from two things- if you struggle in more of these areas than less. And if those struggles are significantly impacting your life.

Just to note, I'm only talking from a diagnosis pov here, which is wrapped up in cultural contexts and the reasons we decided to give this way of being a label. Theres lots of traits we can also break down that aren't based around what you find difficult.

You could be autistic and go your whole life not knowing or needing a diagnosis, if say, you lived a lifestyle where you could avoid people and situations that are making you suffer. Your autism might make you excel in life, depending on your life.

But just esp in modern day, many of us dont have that luxury.

I'm using this type of dx in the context of Robespierre because I believe he did have difficulties that impacted his life and career, and it's significant to me to compare his behaviour and health to other politicians working in the same stressful circumstances.

But yeah I'll write this in a second post. Thanks for your patience!! 🙏

[ggukkiedae]

anything for you, noona

date: september 4, 2018

warning/s: mentions of hate towards hannah being added into 127

notes from cia: i am in big chenhan mood rn i honestly just here like we should give hannah happy moments 😬 anyway, yeah

dialogue in italics are spoken in english, bold dialogues are spoken in chinese, korean age is still applied here, gif is from google

word count: 2.8k

hannah gets a birthday surprise that she honestly never expected

The day was going swimmingly well for Hannah, much to her surprise.

Not only did Mark and her manager somehow manage to buy breakfast from her favourite bakery (with the best apple tarts she knows), but she was also first in line for hair and makeup, which was the spot she always wanted because it gave her longer and undisturbed time to do what she wants before going to work. When she got to the van, Jeno and Jaemin had saved her her preferred seat despite the usual random seating arrangements they had.

Something was strange, but she didn’t quite know what was happening.

Even then, Hannah focused on working through the day as well as she could, especially because she was promoting with Dream. As much as she loved her 127 members, promoting with Dream always seemed less stressful. If it was because of many fans disliking the fact she was added into 127, she would never admit it. (It was.)

On the topic of comments from fans, Hannah absentmindedly pulled out her phone and opened her secret fan account. She was free until the live interview and stage anyway since rehearsals had already finished.

“Nope,” Renjun’s hand was quick to take her phone from her hand, “no way.”

She gave him a look, raising her eyebrow. “Injun, give me my phone back.”

“No can do, Hannah,” he lightly tapped her head with the corner of her phone then sat across from her, “because I know the things you look at whenever you pull that bird app out.”

She rolled her eyes at him and attempted to snatch her phone back, but he held it further from her. Her glare was met with a smug smirk.

Her friendship with Renjun had definitely evolved since their last comeback as NCT Dream. He was more quippy and less hesitant around her, and he took her teasing and snark with grace.

“You know,” she leaned forward like she was telling a secret, “we all know you just want to use my account to search for yourself.”

“Very funny,” Renjun deadpanned before shaking his head and handing her back her phone, “but, seriously. How many times do we all have to tell you not to look? Do you remember what happened just three months ago?”

“Not gonna happen again,” Hannah crossed her legs with a proud grin, “I’m way over that now.”

Renjun snorted at her, “I’d bet. With all the hyungs watching over you like hawks, I don’t think you can open your fan account or distance yourself again any time soon.”

She just laughed, throwing her feet on his lap, giving him a smile as he glared at her for it. Even then, Renjun placed his hands on her ankles, lightly drumming his fingers on her and humming We Go Up.

She leaned her head on the wall and closed her eyes, thinking about the past few months of training and promoting with the 127 members. It was a big change compared to how it was with the Dreamies.

On instinct, she would do her usual habits of making sure everyone had food and started eating before she would eat, cleaning and chiding when the others don’t clean, and discussing their schedules with managers among other habits, but the older members were quick to catch on to that.

Taeyong would tell her to leave the schedules and agenda to him, Jaehyun decided he would not take a bite of food until she started eating, Doyoung nagged her for nagging, and Johnny would actually physically pick her up to stop her mid-mom tendencies. Even Jungwoo, who started preparing with them for his 127 debut, would try to get her to not act too mature.

Not to mention Haechan stuck by her side the entire time, just hovering like he usually did. He always took those almost three months he was older than her by very seriously.

They all were attempting to baby her like how Jaemin or Haechan would, and it made her miss the casualness with the dreamies and being able to mother her two babies.

“Noona!”

Hannah opened her eyes to find Chenle running over to her. She took her legs off of Renjun so Chenle could pass and sit next to her.

“Yes?”

“You’re coming to my house today, right?” He gave her a hopeful smile. “You have to! The others said they’d come over. It’s for Chenji This and That!”

Hannah patted his cheek, “And what is this episode about?”

“We’re gonna try and cook for you guys,” he told her.

Hannah chuckled and leaned to give Chenle a kiss on the forehead, which he happily bent to receive.

“I wouldn’t miss it,” she smiled at him, “just as long as the managers know.”

“Jisung’s telling them right now!”

Just then, a stage manager knocked on the door and stuck his head in. “NCT Dream on standby! 15 minutes!”

“Thank you,” Mark bowed to the stage manager then turned to face everyone, “Alright guys, last hair and makeup check from the noonas then we go. We can do a quick stretch when we’re nearer to the stage.”

“You guys heard the man,” Hannah got up, pulling Chenle and Renjun up with her, “let’s go.”

The We Go Up stage was pre-recorded, so she didn’t need to worry about that. The 1,2,3 stage, on the other hand, was not pre-recorded. It was a strange situation since it was usually the other way around, but she just shrugged it off. Maybe it was the company’s newest wey of making sure the best performance if the title track is what the public sees.

Thankfully, the 1,2,3 stage was going well so far until the bridge where she peacefully sang her line and was going to kneel down like they all would so Haechan would have his Michael Jackson moment, but she felt herself being pulled into a hug.

To her surprise, Haechan had kept her standing with him and pinched her cheek while singing “saengil chukhahae!” instead of naega isseulkae.

She gave him a surprised look while muscle memory brought her back into the choreography. Some of their laughs sounded in her in-ears, meaning it was heard in the performance, but she didn’t mind. She didn’t even process the rest of the performance.

It was her birthday?

Somehow, she was able to dance on auto-pilot while mentally checking her calendar. It was the 4th. It was September 4th, her birthday. That’s why the boys were being extra nice to her.

The end of the song jostled out of her thoughts because, once again, instead of kneeling for the end like she usually would, multiple sets of hands kept her up, and she was brought into the centre of a group hug while Chenle changed a word for his last line, “Noona, just don’t move.”

She really couldn’t move, they were all squishing her in a hug, and she could feel Jaemin on his toes and rubbing his cheek on the top of her head. They started to topple over, making her laugh while she told everyone to get into position for We Go Up, which they’d still be dancing along to so the audience in the studio had something to watch.

The performance went by fast, and she gave the boys a look once they got backstage. Before she could say anything though, Mark yelled.

“1, 2, 3!”

The sound of six boys yelling the happy birthday song as all but Jeno, who had MC duties, followed her back into the green room, garnering some attention from staff and other idols around them.

The door opened, and she jumped back in surprise when confetti appeared and her manager carried a cake towards her. There was even a box of cupcakes on the table next to the door.

“Oh my god,” she laughed before gratefully accepting the cake and blowing out the candle, “I genuinely forgot what day it was today.”

“We know,” Jaemin hugged her from behind, “that was the goal.”

“That’s why we’re all going to Chenle’s house later,” Jisung grinned.

Renjun nudged the maknae while Chenle whacked his arm before looking at Hannah, “We wanted to cook for you because you always cook for us.”

“Let her breathe, guys,” Mark laughed and pried Jaemin off of her, “let the officially 19-year-old breathe.”

“Did you like my surprise?” Haechan asked her, making her turn around to face him.

She kicked him in the shin, “I was surprised! You didn’t warn me, I probably looked stupid!”

While Haechan overdramatically held his leg and complained about the pain, she just sighed and looked at everyone.

“Thank you guys, I really appreciate this.”

“Yeah, don’t get sappy on us,” Renjun stuck his finger into her cake’s frosting and rubbed it on her nose. A silence passed between everyone as they watched Hannah blink slowly and hand the cake to a now quiet Haechan who was watching with wide eyes.

“Hwang Renjun, you have three seconds to run,” she, much to the staff’s dismay, grabbed a cupcake and started running after Renjun who yelled and ran away from her and down the hallway.

“You said I have three seconds!” “I counted three seconds!”

The rest of the boys watched in amusement before turning to Chenle.

“Not the distraction I was hoping for,” he began, “but more entertaining for sure. Haechan hyung, you keep Noona unsuspicious. Jaemin hyung, you have everyone’s gifts, right? Can you message Jeno hyung and remind them to keep those hidden? Mark hyung, you’re on vlog duty, and Renjun hyung, too, when he comes back hopefully alive. Jaemin hyung, Jisung, and I will go ahead to set everything up.”

The five boys nodded at each other, ready for their surprise for Hannah.

“When I said keep Noona unsuspicious, I didn’t mean blindfold her.”

Chenle’s voice reached Hannah’s ears the moment the car doors opened. She snorted at the younger boy’s accusatory tone and the following sounds of Haechan defending himself.

A hand that she immediately recognized as Jeno’s due to their matching pinky rings held hers as he assisted her out of the car. She missed a step, making her stumble forward. An extra set of hands caught her, taking place on her waist as they steadied her.

“Careful, Little Na,” Jaemin’s voice spoke from right in front of her. “We don’t want the birthday girl getting hurt.”

“Maybe if you guys took this blindfold off,” she poked forward, smirking when she felt Jaemin’s chest and heard his small grunt of surprise.

A chuckle from next to her caught her attention, making her snap her head in that direction. Mark.

“As you guys can see,” Mark explained, likely talking to a camera as a different pair of hands took hers from Jeno, “Hannah has absolutely no clue what is going on, and Chenle is somehow guiding her while walking backwards without tripping.”

“It’s his house,” she could imagine Jeno shrugging.

She just shook her head in amusement and focused on where her feet was going, following Chenle’s quiet directions of where to place her steps.

The sound of the door opening was immediately followed by the smell of Chinese food filling her senses. It seemed a lot compared to what she originally thought her two kids were going to cook.

Suddenly, she could hear Jisung’s hushed whispers speaking to Chenle. The latter let go of her hands while someone—she assumed Jisung— stood by her side.

“You’re gonna love this, Noona,” Jisung looped his arm through hers and brought her a few steps forward.

“I know I will,” she laughed, “I can smell food that I didn’t think you two would think of cooking.”

“About that,” he sounded sheepish, “we actually didn’t cook you food. We have a different birthday surprise.”

With that, Jisung gently tugged her blindfold off. She was met with Chenle’s couch filled with toys and small clothes. She looked at it confused as her eyes adjusted to the light.

“I’m pretty sure I won’t fit in those,” she noted as five other boys stood by her and Jisung.

“No,” Jisung smiled before pointing down the hallway, “but they’d fit him.”

Hannah laughed and turned her head, expecting to see maybe Chenle in teenager-sized versions of the baby clothes in front of her, but she was met with another sight.

Chenle did come out from the hallway, but in casual clothes. No, the only thing different was what he had in his arms. A small puppy rested close to his chest, seemingly just waking up. Its tail wagged as soon as it noticed Hannah, much to her surprise.

Jisung gently pulled her arm, making her sit on the floor while Chenle mirrored their actions from where he stood. He gently placed the puppy on the ground.

“Go on,” Chenle encouraged the puppy, “go to your new mom.”

“Mom?” Hannah asked as the small puppy ran right to her, resting itself on her legs and looking up at her expectantly.

She picked him up as the other members gathered around her, sitting on the floor with her. Mark was filming her as she picked up the puppy and brought it close to her face, smiling as it licked her. Jaemin, on the other hand, was already looking at the little dog clothes while Renjun and Haechan were picking which toy to try out with the puppy first.

“Hi,” she smiled at the puppy, letting out a small laugh as it started licking her nose, “you’re an excited puppy, aren’t you?”

“And he’s yours,” Chenle approached, sitting in front of her. “Happy birthday, Noona.”

“Chenle,” she pulled him forward with her free arm, giving him a hug and pressing a kiss to his cheek, “why are you so sweet?”

“I heard from Yoonmi that puppies help relieve stress and anxiety,” he grinned at her, “I just want you to feel better.”

“Noona,” Jisung poked her cheek, “I helped, too! I help choose him, and I got all the clothes and toys and other stuff!”

Hannah chuckled, turning to kiss Jisung’s cheek as well, “You’re sweet, too, Sungie.”

“So,” Mark’s narration caught her attention, “Hannah finally received the gift Chenle and Jisung have been preparing since June. What are you gonna name him, Hans?”

She looked up at Mark, seeing a proud smile on his face, one that made him look like a big brother watching over his little siblings. It clicked in her head, already knowing what to name her new puppy.

“Minnie,” she smiled, “I’m calling him Minnie.”

Everyone cheered at that. Jeno looked at her with a smile as he patted Minnie’s head, “I think you should let Minnie’s uncles play with him before they explode from cuteness aggression.”

The uncles in question were the three who were looking through Minnie’s possessions which were all apparently purchased by Jisung. Hannah laughed at their excited looks and let Minnie on the ground.

“I get him first!” Haechan yelled, immediately being countered by Renjun and Jaemin. She laughed while getting up.

“I’ll go get us food, you can open presents after,” Jeno headed to the kitchen, dragging Jisung with him.

Mark laughed at her confused look as he shut off the camera, “You didn’t expect us to let the maknaes outdo us, did you?”

“I kind of thought you all contributed to this.”

“No, this is all ChenJi, you can watch it when they upload it,” Mark gave her a rare full hug, discreetly pressing a kiss to the side of her head. “Happy birthday, little sister.”

With that, he walked to the kitchen to get food, as well, leaving her in the living room with a satisfied smile. As much as Mark and her joked around and messed with each other, he had never forgotten to treat her like she was his own little sister when it counts, ever since they first met. She was thankful for it.

“Noona,” Chenle called her attention, a knowing smile on his face, “Minnie? Like Minhyung?”

“I don’t say it much,” Hannah shrugged, “but I’m actually really glad to have him as a big brother. I do look up to him, you know?”

Chenle nodded, “I know.”

“Never tell him I said that,” she laughed while watching Chenle open his small side bag, “What are you doing?”

“I wrote you something,” Chenle shyly handed her a small brown envelope. She looked at him curiously, but he just smiled at her. “Read it before you go to sleep.”

“I will,” she pulled him into a proper hug, “Thank you, Lele.”

“Anything for you, Noona.”

(Jeno smiled as he saw Hannah hugging Chenle before he turned to Jisung, nudging the younger boy. “How’d you get Minnie to run straight to Hannah? I’m pretty sure Renjun had food in his pocket.”

Jisung snorted. “Chenle stole one of Noona’s sweaters every week and had Minnie sleep in it. I didn’t think it would work, but it apparently did.”)

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[scaly-freaks]

Also, on a side note/rant about the Aemond grooming discourse. My sister was truly up in arms citing specific episodes of the last season to prove that the woman was secretly “in charge,” and a pedophile, because “she continued to see him.” Idk, that rubs me the wrong way, because it truly sounds no different than like people saying “well, she continued to work in that place even though she was sexually harassed, clearly she wanted it.” Like, as you’ve said, even if he was a kid, he’s still the son of a king and has the equivalent to a nuclear bomb at his beck and call. My sister tried to say “well, she could have given him to another sex worker,” like no?? If he asked for her in particular, she’d have no choice; also, idk how it would be any better if she sent him off to have sex with another fully-grown woman.

I sometimes wonder whether this absolutely insane response is the result of some kind of cognitive dissonance that Aemond fans get from seeing someone whom they’ve imagined as this domineering, sex god character act in a submissive way to someone. Like, I have a sneaking suspicion that they wouldn’t have as much of an issue if Aemond were reacting through hypersexuality or rough sex with this woman, even if both were in response to him having/being forced to have sex at a very young age (both of which actually ARE common responses). Like obviously, there is an air of wrongness in the scene, because he very clearly sees her as a type of mother figure, in a way that’s very reminiscent of a son with his mother. That is very alarming, but, again, I don’t think they would have as much of an issue if he were having another common reaction to having sex way too young.

Personally, I never got the “daddy dom” Aemond vibes because literally no aspect of his character would ever scream sex god. From a young age he looked down on Aegon for his drinking and sexual proclivities, his closest confidante is his (until recently) sexually-repressed mother who uses religion as a means of sublimation, he spends all day training, and all night likely reading. So the brothel scenes weren’t shocking to me due to the implications on Aemond’s character (though it was shocking seeing how skinny Ewan Mitchell was). Idk, like you said, it’s just a classic “applying contemporary understandings of power to situations with different contexts of power and oppression than most of us could even comprehend.” And it personally pisses me off to see a woman who had no agency in this scenario be labelled as predatory. Like y’all, Foucauldian power analysis was about the intersectionality of power, aka the ability to hold more power in one context, and far less in a broader context, you can be an abuser in one context, and abused in another. And, in Westeros, there are very, very few contexts that would equate to having more power and agency than the son of a king.

So on one hand, I get annoyed by seeing a woman get shat on by other women as a means to defend their image of a man, an image which I personally find to be entirely inconsistent with his character (so the literary analysis system in me goes berserk like klaxon klaxon does not compute), and also seeing women ignore blatant power imbalances but then invoking them as a means to hate other women. Idk, maybe it’s a trend I’ve noticed, similar to how a “pick me” has morphed from genuine discourse on internalized misogyny to a criticism of any women who don’t necessarily identify with traditionally feminine behaviour (but who are doing so out of genuine interest rather than a desire to appease me). But it does piss me off. That doesn’t mean I don’t believe that groomers should be reviled, but rather, that there’s a huge trend of male or white power being ignored in favour of criticizing the actions of those in the more marginalized position.

Anyways, rant over!

I have noticed that even with a so-called liberal approach to sex work, most people still view sex workers with a degree of disgust and a refusal to humanise them (usually subconsciously, but it filters through in how they speak of them). In-verse, Aemond's disregard for Sylvie - a whore is a whore - was especially telling because everyone last season was swearing up, down and sideways he respected women because he "loves" his mother, or "listened" to Criston. None of the men in this show respect women LMAO not even Corlys (he literally dragged Rhaena for not having a dragon and not knowing anything about the "sea" when Rhaenys said she should take the throne of Driftmark).

Rhaenyra was more powerless than Aemond when Daemon left her alone in that brothel with her pants down. She was a young girl, and she was dressed up as a peasant. The things that might have happened to her if a group of drunk men found her and were too conked out to hear her yell that she's the princess? Unfathomable. But I don't see half the amount of bald outrage for her situation than I do for Aemond's.

I fully agree with you on the case of Aemond's "daddy domification" going way too far. I think he has it in him to rough someone up sexually but it wouldn't be pleasant for them. I think he's selfish, and he only considers his own pleasure/pain and not the pain or discomfort of others (minus that one scene where he apparently felt sorry for Jace, but post-eye-removal, they may have scrapped empathy entirely). I also think he's set up on screen to be this "woe is me", poor little white prince who feels sorry for himself more than he ever does for others, but when the fandom takes it at face value, that's when it gets really fucking annoying.

He burns the Riverlands for fuck's sake. He slaughters men, women and children because he cares about his own feelings of anger and betrayal more than how others will suffer because of them. There is very little feeling in him displayed onscreen, but because straight women have turned him into the archetypal "I'll fix him" trope, now we're seeing Frankenstein-headcanons of a man that doesn't actually exist in the story.

The thing about Aemond being set up as Daemon's foil is that Daemon is shown to care, whether it's about his niece or his brother. Aemond appears to care about nothing but himself. He is the ideal foil because he doesn't give a fuck (do not get me started on that stupid scene of him regretting Luke's death, and not the fact that his nephew is dead because of it).

If Alys is having a ball fucking with Daemon's head, she is not falling in love with a petty little prince like Aemond except to fuck with his head even worse.

I am very objective about Aemond and that's why people may accuse me of not liking him, but I can be very harsh on Aegon too so that's really not an issue.

[fyonahmacnally]

Eight Years Ago, Cambridge, MA…

Stormy blue meets turbulent green. Palpable tension crackles in the air as things escalate faster than usual. Pent up anger and resentment boil over like a volcanic eruption of past transgressions never spoken. They hurl sharpened words at one another, daggers cutting through the fragile skin of the relationship they’ve forged for four years. It’s been building, both of them know it has, each stewing in the silent hurricane of thoughts swirling inside them. It was an inevitable train wreck set on course six months ago when Lena decided to stay in Cambridge instead moving to National City with Kara as planned. 

Four years at MIT together, two as best friends, two as lovers and living together. They talk about everything. At least that’s what Kara thought until that moment six months ago when Lena dropped her bombshell. Now, they’re standing in the middle of their apartment screaming at one another like they’re sworn enemies instead of longtime lovers. Each of them tossing insults and barbs at one another with complete abandon. Sharing spiteful disdain in the way they used to share I love you’s. 

Neither of them stop to think about what they are saying or the damage they are causing. It’s heated. It’s cruel. Everything is going down in flames and neither of them seem to care. Kara yells about Lena’s horrendous family and how she’s behaving just like them. Lena screams about Kara’s naivete and obliviousness. They cut one another to the bone with words neither of them ever thought they’d speak to each other. It’s an emotional bloodbath drowning the remnants of their relationship in the dripping, viscous venom spewing from their lips.

Eventually, the room is silent. The only sound is the heaving breath of the two women glaring at one another, tears falling. It’s a moment frozen in time, one that neither of them will ever forget. 

It’s Kara who finally storms out. Since she’s finished packing all her things for the move anyway, she reasons that getting an early start on her drive will get her to National City faster. Plus, she desperately needs to get away from the demise of her relationship. Her once homey and warm apartment feels cold and foreign. The woman in front of her is suddenly a stranger. Her heart is decimated, shattered into a million pieces. She thought for sure Lena was it for her. Her other half, her person. Apparently not. Everything they’ve built lies broken and dead at her feet as she grabs her final piece of luggage. 

Dragging the bag behind her, she pauses at the door. Hanging her head as tears glide across her skin, she whispers, “I will always love you. I just thought you felt the same.” Taking a deep breath, she straightens her back and opens the door. She keeps her eyes forward and her jaw set. If she looks back now, she’ll change her mind and it’s too late for that.

Lena stares at the closed door, her mouth hanging open, arms wrapped tightly around herself, and tears streaming from her eyes. She has no doubt she just made the biggest mistake of her life, but she’s frozen in place. Everything happened so fast, it’s a blur. She’s utterly confused as to how she has managed to destroy the longest, healthiest relationship she’s ever had. She’s staying at MIT to get her doctorate, but had no intention of breaking things off with Kara. In her mind, they’d make it work. They always said they were stronger together and could tackle anything as long as they had each other. Sure, she probably should have spoken to her girlfriend when she applied to the PhD program, but her anxiety got the best of her and she waited until everything was in place. 

Now, here she stands watching the love of her life walk away. She’s paralyzed, stuck in the spot where her life fell apart. Her eyes seem to suddenly refocus and time speeds back up. Unsure of how much time has passed, she is suddenly hit with the reality of what just happened and bolts out the door. Kara. She has to catch Kara. Just as she rushes out the front of the building and onto the sidewalk, she can see the taillights fading from sight. Her whole world just drove away in a moving truck. Without her. Her body acts before her mind does, she runs back up the stairs. Swinging the door to the apartment open, she snatches her phone up to call Kara. Voicemail. She calls again. Same thing. 

And so it goes for hours, then days, then weeks. Lena even tries to call Alex, to no avail. It’s the same silence. Eventually, she resigns herself to the fact she fucked up and she has to live with it. When three months turns to six and six into twelve, she finally puts the pictures away. She lost her chance at happiness and love. Now she needs to put all of her focus and energy into school. It’s the only thing that gets her through the rest of her masters and PhD programs. 

Present Day, New York City…

Six more years in school and two degrees later, Lena has moved forward in her life. Well, as much as she can. She hasn’t had any real relationship to speak of since she and Kara split up. A few flings and one night stands, but nothing serious. It’s hard when she hasn’t stopped loving the bubbly blonde that stole her heart all those years ago. Deep down, she knows she’ll never love anyone the way she did…does Kara. 

Her Kara. Or she used to be.

It’s been two years since she began working for Spheerical Tech & Pharmaceuticals as their head of research and development. It’s grueling and exhausting. Not that it matters because she doesn’t have a life outside of work. She spends half her time in New York in her lab and the other half split between Cambridge and National City with occasional trips to London. She visits each of their lab sites at least once a year, sometimes more. Most of the time she volunteers for the trips. Besides, no one is at home to miss her. Not even a pet. No one is around to call before she goes to bed. It’s pretty sad when she really thinks about it. 

When her boss and longtime friend, Jack, first mentioned needing her to manage the National City lab, she was hesitant. She didn’t want to risk running into Kara at all. Sure, it’s a large, populated city and the odds are slim, but Kara doesn’t need her showing up and ruining the life she has now. She knows her ex-girlfriend made a name for herself and became a well-respected investigative and scientific tech journalist. The woman is absolutely one of the best and most accomplished journalists of their generation. In fact, Lena has every article the blonde has ever published. Further, unbeknownst to Kara, Lena was there when she won her first Pulitzer three years ago. She stayed in the back of the crowd and left before anyone knew she was ever there. 

Even now, eight years later, Kara is never far from her mind. Of course, she stopped calling Kara years ago, she has no idea if she even has the same number anymore. Lena kept hers, the same number all these years. Kara will probably never use it. She hasn’t yet, but at least it’s there if she ever tries. 

She has always genuinely wanted Kara to be happy. No matter what it looks like, that’s what she wants for her. Even after all this time, the one thing Lena held onto, the one thing she does every year, is send an email on the anniversary of their first date. She has no idea if Kara reads them since she has never responded, but she still sends them. Never any words. Always just a simple heart emoji. Nothing else.

It’s why she’s thinking about their fight and the demise of their relationship right now. There’s roughly three months until the anniversary of their first date. Ten years ago, they went on their first date. A long, wistful sigh escapes her lips. They met at the station across from campus in Cambridge and took the train to Boston to spend the day. She remembers when their eyes met across the terminal, there was an eruption of butterflies in her belly. It was as if she could finally breathe. What she wouldn’t give to see those cerulean eyes again. 

That’s when she gets an idea. Probably the worst one she’s had since she let Kara walk out the apartment door. It’s probably fruitless. She’s pretty sure Kara has long since forgotten her, especially after the hurt she caused. But, what if, after all this time, Kara still feels the same? 

One more time and then she’ll give up. For good.

Present Day, National City…

Kara is having a shit day. She spilled coffee on her favorite shirt, broke her favorite pen, and missed her first deadline in years. Then, Alex canceled sister’s night because of some emergency at the hospital. And fine, she gets it, Alex is a doctor, blah blah blah. Still doesn’t mean she has to be okay with it. Needless to say, she’s ready to go home to curl up with her favorite show and some ice cream. If she could leave right now she’d pack up and be gone in an instant. Unfortunately, she still has three more hours left. She sighs an exasperated sigh and drops her forehead onto her desk. 

It’s moments like this when she thinks about Lena. Her ex-girlfriend had a way with brightening the worst of her days. Their nights together, the fun they had, the uninhibited comfort her presence provided. She hasn’t found that comfort in anyone since. The closeness and trust the two of them had was something she’s sure she’ll never have again. She’s tried, she really has. Several times over the years, with men and women alike. No one ever compares to the woman she reluctantly admits she still loves. 

There are so many things about their last fight she wishes she could take back. So many things she regrets. It still makes her cringe when she thinks about the spiteful things she said to Lena and the hurt she saw in her favorite green eyes. The biggest regret from that day is walking away without talking things out. She knows neither of them behaved very rationally the last six months of their relationship. It eventually culminated in their massive blow-up followed by their sudden break-up. Unfortunately, it isn’t something she can take back or undo.

Actually, scratch that, her biggest regret from back then is ignoring Lena’s calls and letting Alex talk her into blocking her number. There have been so many times over the years when she wanted to reach out, to hear that smooth, saccharine voice again. It seems there’s a little voice in her head always preventing her from doing it. The nagging little voice repeats things like ‘you deserve better than her’ and ‘she doesn’t care or think about you anymore’. The voice sounds an awful lot like Alex. As much as she loves her sister, her overprotective actions probably cost her any chance at reconciliation. Given how long it’s been, she’s almost certain of it. 

She puffs out a frustrated breath. This happens every single time she thinks about Lena. She remembers the chance she could have taken, the window of time in which she might have been able to fix things. Now, there’s no way, it’s too late. Her eyes close briefly before she lifts her head up from her desk. Blue eyes settle on the phone sitting next to her keyboard and her lips twitch upward in a wistful smile. 

Pulling the device toward her, she navigates to the one file she keeps locked and protected. It’s an obscure folder with a few pictures of her and Lena. Her finger swipes through the pictures and her eyes tear up before she quickly closes it. She navigates to her contacts where her weepy eyes scan over the place where Lena’s phone number still sits. Seven numbers and her favorite name casually staring up at her. A combination of letters and numbers she could never get rid of. 

A shaky hand makes its way to her glasses, pulling them off to wipe away the errant tears that managed to escape. Her mind wanders again. Would the number still work if she tried to call? Probably not. Surely Lena changed her number and moved on, right? She’s intelligent, successful, and a goddess of a woman. The amount of people likely knocking on her door for dates is innumerable. Certainly more options than Kara has.

She leans back in her chair with her head tilted toward the ceiling and runs her hands down her face. Silently chastising herself for letting her mind drift, it doesn’t do any good to think about it. Not anymore. She doesn’t even know where Lena lives or what she’s doing. Last she heard, Lena is an executive with Spheerical. Possibly one of the chief executives? One thing she’s sure of, Lena gets photographed in New York and London several times a year. So, she could live in either place for all Kara knows.

Kara is very aware there’s a branch of the company here in National City as well. It’s a building she passes almost every day. She’s fairly certain she would know if the beautiful genius was living in her city. There’s no way they wouldn’t have at least been in the same places. Given her work in science and technology for CatCo and Lena’s involvement in research and development, Kara would know. RIght? In fact, she’s interviewed a few of the staff scientists at the National City branch. If Lena was working there, she’d know. Wouldn’t she? 

Another deep sigh forces itself out of her throat as she shakes her head. It’s a motion made in a futile attempt to remove any thoughts of her lost love from her mind. At this rate, it won’t ever happen. She’s doomed to carry her love for Lena to her grave. It’s been eight years and her heart still skips a beat when she sees a raven-haired woman resembling her ex-girlfriend. Her chest still aches when she looks at pictures or sifts through her memories. Her brain still runs what if scenarios for any possible conversation they might have should they ever meet again.

While she knows it’s unlikely, she can’t help but think about the possibility Lena might still love her too. She’s sure it’s a false hope, but what if? It’s crossed her mind countless times. Honestly, she’s surprised Lena didn’t reach out via email when her calls didn’t go through. It’s one of the reasons she’s so sure her ex has moved on. The Lena she knew would have exhausted all avenues. Maybe she should try to text her old number. If it’s someone else’s number, then at least she’d know. 

She really needs to talk to Alex. Her sister is the only one that can talk her out of doing something rash.

--

Lena glares at the blinking cursor in front of her. She spent the better part of two months convincing Jack she needs to be in National City for the month of October. He was skeptical at first, but she managed to backlog enough work to justify it. Instincts tell her Jack still doesn’t believe her, but she’s here and got her way. That’s what matters at this point. 

Now, here she sits inside her office at Spheerical, a few scant blocks from CatCo. The thought makes her stomach do somersaults, knowing how close she currently is to Kara. A long sigh presses between her lips as she continues to stare at her screen. The email in front of her has been written and rewritten so many times she lost count. Her anxiety is at peak levels and she still isn’t sure this is a good idea. But really, what does she have to lose at this point? Her dignity and pride walked out the apartment door with Kara eight years ago. 

A shaky breath billows from her mouth as she drops her head into her hands. She’s been working on this email for two weeks. Well, longer if she counts the amount of time she spent drafting it in her head. In truth, it began to form almost three months ago when she was thinking about the blonde goddess living rent free in her mind. Again, it’s probably the worst idea she’s had since that fateful day. The day Lena turned her entire world upside down. 

She chuckles and shakes her head, resting her hands back on her desk. “Come on, Lena. It’s no big deal. You’re just asking the woman you haven’t spoken to in eight years to meet you at a park.” Another humorless laugh leaves her throat as she realizes she’s talking to herself. “I’ve resorted to giving myself verbal pep talks now. I mean, I guess that goes along with the insanity of trying to convince my ex-girlfriend to meet with me seemingly out of the blue. On the anniversary of our first date, no less. What have I become?”

Her finger lands on the backspace key as she starts the email again for the umpteenth time. It’s her final hail mary. Her last attempt at connecting with the woman that still owns her heart. Some part of her desperately hopes Kara will show up and they can, at the very least, talk things out and get the closure they never had. Her heart wants Kara to feel the same way she does. She wants a second chance, but she’s a realist. The odds of that are slim to none. Her rational side and the little voice in her head sounding eerily similar to Lillian’s, says her chance has passed and there isn’t anything she can do to change it. 

But, there’s a tiny little kernel of hope holding out. That’s what she’s holding onto. 

“Alright, Luthor. You have to get your shit together. Tomorrow is the day so it’s now or never.” She reads over the email one final time before scheduling it to send at midnight or 12:01 a.m to be exact. October 16th - the anniversary of their first date. She sighs and hopes for the best. Nothing about this goes beyond her usual one email per year. This one just has words attached to it. A simple request really. She’s not anxious about it at all. 

Not. One. Bit.

Her office suddenly feels too small and too quiet. With her thoughts racing at jet speed inside her skull, she bolts from her desk and makes her way down to the labs. Her brain needs a distraction or she’s going to have a panic attack and change her mind. Changing her mind is the last thing she wants. She’s loved Kara for ten years. The woman owns her heart, something that will likely never change.

So, she needs to distract herself for the next two days and hope the blonde shows up tomorrow evening. What could go wrong?

--

October 16th - the day Kara dreads every year. The anniversary of their first date. One would think after all these years, she wouldn’t remember it or care, but she does. She remembers everything and always has. The first three years were hard. She took off work and shut the world out. After those rough years, it kind of got better. Now, she does the best she can. Sometimes, she leaves early and spends the day with her favorite movie and ice cream. This year is shaping up to be one of those years. She has to take care of a few things this morning, but there is a pint of Ben & Jerry’s calling her name. She’ll be on her couch and stuffing her face with some Moose Tracks by 3:00 p.m. 

Most of her day is uneventful. She even manages to get through it without scrolling through her folder of old pictures. Well, more than a few times. It counts. It was less than last year, give her a break. Lena is beautiful, amazing, and a goddess on Earth. No one can blame her for reminiscing on how it felt to hold her and just bask in her presence. The feeling of soft pale skin against her own…

A long, frustrated sigh followed by a growl of irritation crawls from her throat. Now is certainly not the time to be thinking about Lena’s skin against hers. Not to mention all the other very vivid and inconvenient images running rampant in her mind. Kara wearily shakes her head in an futile attempt at erasing the memories flashing across her mind’s eye. This happens every year on this day. She combs through the memories of the two years they spent as lovers, even the two years they were friends beforehand are filled with moments imprinted on her skin.

Another glance at the clock on the wall across the bullpen tells her she still has another hour before she can safely leave without causing any eyebrows to raise. She decides to plunge herself into some research she has to do for an upcoming piece on Spheerical. Fortunately, she gets lost in the details and the next time she looks up, it’s time to head out to lunch and then to her couch. 

Just as she’s walking out of the building, her phone vibrates. A big smile stretches across her face when she sees Alex calling. “Hey, Alex!” She hurries across the sidewalk and across the road, dodging people as she goes. “Perfect timing. I’m just heading to Noonan’s to grab lunch. Are you still coming over later for sister’s night?”

“Yes, dork. Don’t we always spend this night together?” Alex huffs, rolling her eyes at her sister. “I’m leaving the hospital now, but I have to go by my apartment first. Do you need me to bring anything?”

Kara hums in thought, pausing outside the entrance to Noonan’s before shaking her head. “Nah. I have ice cream and snacks already. Just bring whatever alcohol you want if you plan to drink. You know I only have the fruity stuff.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll see you in an hour or so.” Alex says, a smile evident in her voice. “Love you, dork.”

Chuckling, Kara shakes her head and smiles. “Be careful. Love you, too.” She ends the call and steps inside, still laughing at her sister’s antics. 

After deciding to eat her lunch on a park bench, she catches the bus home. Happy to finally be away from CatCo and the stresses of work, her mind drifts to Lena again. The last couple of years, her mind has conjured images of what their lives would be like if they were still together. Marriage, a house, and sometimes a baby. It’s not always the same, but they’re always married. Something Kara always thought would happen once they graduated and got settled in National City. 

She’s shaken out of her daydreams by the subtle stop of the bus and people around her standing. A sorrowful sigh releases as she stands to exit as well. Her mind seems to enjoy torturing her with things she can’t have, made worse this day every year. As she steps off the bus, she spots her sister standing in front of her building and a smile replaces the frown she’s sure was there.

The two sisters make their way up the stairs and into Kara’s loft. They settle in to watch the movie they always watch on this day, Hocus Pocus. By the time they finish watching the movie and polish off their ice cream, it’s nearing dinner time. Alex orders pizza and potstickers and they snuggle back into the couch to wait, a random show playing in the background. 

Alex eyes Kara carefully, brown eyes scanning her sister’s face. She can see the pain and sadness in the normally sparkling sapphire eyes. Instead of pushing the blonde to talk, she watches and waits, knowing Kara will eventually open up to her. It usually takes a few minutes, but she knows her sister will start spilling her feelings.

“I really miss her, Alex.” Kara says, tears welling in her stormy blue eyes. “Some days it feels like everything just happened. It feels so raw and so fresh. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop loving her. My heart won’t let me. No matter how much convincing my mind does, my heart won’t let her go.” Two glittering tears slither between her eyelids and drip onto her shirt.

The redhead sighs, slides her arms around her younger sister, and pulls her close. “I know, kiddo. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it easier for you.” She rests her head on top of Kara’s as they sit in silence for a few minutes. Their bubble bursts when there is a knock on the door. “That’s probably the food, I’ll get it.”

Alex bounds over to the door while Kara leans back on the couch, head resting against the cushion and face pointed to the ceiling. She wipes away the now drying tears, willing the rest to stop their descent down her cheeks. Her body remains still even after Alex drops the food onto the table. When she finally looks down, it’s to check the time on her watch. 6:43 p.m. 

“We’d been on our date for about an hour by now. It was one of the best nights of my life, Alex. We walked through the park, the leaves changing all around us, and the sun going down. Each of us had a cup of hot chocolate in one hand while holding hands with the other.” Kara wistfully smiles as she remembers how she felt. “It was almost magical, we talked just like we always did, but it was…more. It was like we connected on a new level, like something clicked into place. Like…coming home.”

She looks up at Alex, tears streaming down her face, bottom lip trembling. “Why does it still hurt so much? I’ve spent the last eight years feeling like part of me is missing. Why won’t it stop?” An anguished look twists Alex’s face as she pulls her baby sister back into her arms. They sit and silently rock, waiting for Kara’s tears to subside.

--

Lena takes a deep breath as she sits on the park bench just inside the park. She twists the key and keychain in her hand with a smile. It’s the only thing she still has that was Kara’s. It’s a dorky keychain she bought the blonde on their first date. A pewter medallion with her name engraved across the front and the Boston skyline behind it. It’s not worth anything, but it’s one of her most prized possessions. Kara’s apartment key is still attached to it along with a woven bracelet. After the blonde walked out that day, Lena saw it laying on the counter and hasn’t parted with it since. She keeps it in her pocket and has it on her everyday. 

Glancing at her watch, she starts to feel a sense of dread bubble in the bottom of her stomach. It’s pushing 7:30 now and she asked Kara to meet her here at 7:00. She told herself she wouldn’t wait longer than an hour. Knowing the reporter for four years and living with her for two, she knows her ex-girlfriend can lose track of time. Lena’s hands continue to fidget with the keychain, running the pad of her fingers across the raised letters. Verdant eyes watch countless couples and kids pass by, but none of them are the figure she so desperately wants to see. 

A trembling sigh rushes across her now chapped lips, she can feel the stinging of tears in her eyes so she bites her cheek to stop them from falling. A glance at her phone shows she’s been here for much longer than the self-allotted time frame. Her watch face mocks her with a time of 8:07 p.m. Still no sign of Kara. Lena glances around one more time to make sure she didn’t overlook anything as she checks her phone to make sure she did say 7:00 p.m. in her email. Knots continue to tie themselves together in her stomach. 

She decides she can wait just a little longer.

So she does. She sits stoically on the bench, fidgeting with a relic from a relationship that ended almost a decade ago. A relationship that will officially be dead and buried after tonight. Unless a miracle happens and Kara appears in front of her, it’s pretty evident that her hope was for naught. The woman that holds her heart released it long ago. She’s doomed to love someone who doesn’t love her back.

At 8:32 p.m. on October 16th, Kara Danvers broke her heart for the first and last time. She broke her own heart eight years ago, it only seems fitting that it’s irreparably shattered by the woman that will own it for eternity. 

Gathering the strength to stand from the bench is a lot harder than she anticipates. Lena ends up having to pause before she can finally stand to walk back to her car. She does manage to keep the tears at bay until she reaches the car and is safely inside. That’s when she releases the sob that has been building in her gut for hours. The sounds and tears coming from her body are louder and heavier than anything she’s experienced in her life. With the trauma she’s been through, that is saying a lot. 

When she finally manages to stifle the tears enough to drive back to her hotel, she makes her way back to her room as discreetly and quietly as she can. She refuses to break down completely until she is in the privacy of her own room. By some saving grace, she steps into her room, closes the door, and immediately collapses on the floor. She must have eventually cried herself to sleep because she woke up in the same place two hours later. 

Peeling herself off the floor, she stripped off her clothes and fell into bed, makeup and all. The rest of the world would have to wait.

--

“I can’t answer that, kiddo. It hurts because you still love her and never got closure.” Alex says, watching her sister’s face contort from an invisible pain. “Come on, Kara. At least eat something. Please.” 

“How the hell am I supposed to eat right now, Alex? How?!” Kara screeches, her voice rough from tears and emotion. “I shouldn’t have blocked her number. I should have just called her, Alex. Why didn’t she email me or write me a letter? Something!”

Another gut-wrenching sob rips from her chest, her body heaving with each one as it wracks from her lungs. Alex’s gut twists with guilt as she wrestles with the words sitting like ash on her tongue. Watching her sister writhe in the pain of heartache that she might have contributed to is eating her alive. When her baby sister’s distraught blue eyes land on hers, the decision is made. She has to confess.

“Umm, K-Kara. D-Do you have your laptop close by?” Alex asks, looking around the living room, but not seeing the device. “Can you tell me where it is?” Her eyes settle on the heartbroken blonde and take in the stretched out arm pointing across the room to the dining table. She gently squeezes her sister’s shoulder and makes her way over to grab it. Taking a brief moment to steel herself for what she’s about to do, she takes a deep breath and turns to face the truth.

Kara tracks her sister’s movement, a little confused by her actions, and curious to know why she’s behaving like a scared dog. She sniffles, wiping her nose with the tissue her sister hands her. “What’s going on? Why are you acting so strange, Alex?” Her eyes scan the laptop now sitting on the couch between them. “Why are you opening my laptop? What’s going on?”

An audible gulp can be heard coming from the redhead’s throat. Brown eyes bounce between teary cerulean. “Eight years ago, when you called me crying hysterically about what happened, I got you to block Lena’s number. I knew she wouldn’t give up trying to contact you so…” Another hard swallow and a shaky inhale are the only two sounds Alex can hear at that moment. Everything else is drowned by the sudden ringing in her ears. 

“What, Alex? So, what?” Kara says, a wave of nausea and anxiety builds in the pit of her stomach. “Alex. Please finish what you were saying.” Blue eyes filled with turmoil scan the redhead’s face, searching for something, a clue. There’s nothing, but fear and guilt resting on her usually stoic sister’s face. The look does nothing to ease the feeling gathering in Kara’s gut.

Alex opens the browser and pulls up Kara’s email. She clicks around a few times and Kara watches as her face falls. Her sister’s face goes white and tears gather in her eyes. A panicked and grief-stricken look settles on her sister’s face before she opens and closes her mouth a few times. Another deep breath. She sits the device in Kara’s lap before clearing her throat and dropping her hands into her own. “I knew Lena wouldn’t give up trying to contact you and I was so pissed at how much she hurt you, Kara. While you were driving to National City, I, umm…” A shaky breath, another hard swallow. “I blocked Lena’s email address so you wouldn’t get anything she sent to you.” The last part of her sentence is so quiet Kara almost doesn’t hear it. 

Almost.

When Alex finally looks up, she can see her sister clicking through emails with tears streaming down her face. “Alex…” It’s a broken whisper, barely audible. As blue eyes finally look up, there is an anger unlike anything the redhead has seen before. “Get out. I want you out of my apartment right now. Do not talk to me right now, Alex. Just get the fuck out of my apartment. Now.”

It’s not loud. It’s not harsh. It’s broken and it rips Alex’s heart in two. She silently stands, gathers her jacket and keys before briefly pausing at the door. “I’m really sorry, Kara. I love you and I’m really, really sorry.”

There’s nothing but silence before the door softly closes. Once Kara is alone, she sifts through the emails. All of the things she missed over the last eight years. Lena tried. She tried to reach out, to fix things and Kara didn’t know. There were at least ten emails from the first few months after the breakup. A few more scattered across the first year and then one per year with a simple heart on the anniversary of their first date. Lena probably thinks…

Then, she sees the last email received. Dated today, sent early that morning. 

To: KMDanvers922@wiremail.com

From: LKLuthor94@wiremail.com

Date: October 16, 2023, 12:01 a.m.

Subject: One Last Time

Hi Kara,

I remember everything. Your smile, your laugh, the way your eyes sparkle when you get excited. Every October 16th after you left Cambridge, I went to our park and retraced our steps. It was never the same without you. Of course it wasn’t, but it always made me feel closer to you. 

You made me so happy, Darling. Being with you felt like being home, like I was finally whole and where I was meant to be. Losing you was the hardest thing I’ve ever faced. Even now, I feel like part of me is missing. You took part of me with you that day, Kara. I haven’t been the same since.

I know it’s been eight years and I know it’s a shot in the dark, but I have to try one last time to reach you. I’m in National City. If you want to and are available, I’d like to see you again. Meet me inside Centennial Park at 7:00 p.m. tonight. There’s a bench about one hundred feet from the gate to the left next to the footpath. I’ll be there until 8:00 p.m.

If you don’t show, I’ll understand. Just know I remember everything and I’ll always remember you.

All my love,

Lena 

Kara’s eyes go wide. She scrambles up from her couch, looking down at her watch and almost dropping her laptop. Shoving the laptop onto the coffee table, she steps into her shoes, snatches her keys and jacket, and bolts down the stairs. She doesn’t have a car and the park is at least a thirty minute walk, but the bus would be just as long. Without another option, she starts running.

It was nearly 8:17 p.m. when she left her apartment so the odds of Lena still being there were slim, but she had to try. Her legs moved before her brain caught up, she ran as fast as she could. She’s in pretty good shape, she runs almost every morning and does a lot of walking around the city, but tonight it feels like she’s running through sludge. Kara rounds the corner into the park at 8:43. While she managed to make the run in twenty-six minutes, she can already tell she’s too late. 

The bench is vacant and Kara’s heart falls. She plops herself onto the metal and huffs in frustration. As her hand settles on the bench beside her, she feels something under her palm. Her fingers wrap around it and she brings it closer. It’s some sort of woven bracelet. Upon closer inspection, she immediately recognizes it. It’s one of the silly bracelets she made for her and Lena when they first became friends. They each had one. Lena wore hers, but Kara kept hers on the keychain Lena bought her on their first date alongside her apartment key. She pulls out her phone to shine a light on it. Sure enough, it’s the one she kept on her keychain. Right there in the middle of the bracelet are their initials. 

Lena really had been here and Kara missed her chance. She sat there for a while. She’s not sure how long, but eventually she walks back toward her apartment. Without a care for the time of night or for how long it would take, she dejectedly makes her way home. Another chance stolen, her second chance lost.

--

Lena didn’t go into the office the following day. She couldn’t bring herself to face anyone. Her eyes were certainly swollen and her mind was in no condition to function properly. She sighs and rolls over in bed, her hand automatically reaching for the keychain she plays with every morning. As her hand settles on it, she pauses, something is missing.

Her body bolts upright, feet swinging to the side of the bed and hitting the floor with a thud. She snatches the prized item up and stares at it in disbelief. The bracelet that has been on the keychain for close to a decade is missing. It has to be at the park, she thinks. It must have fallen off when she was toying with it on the bench last night. She blows out a harsh breath. “Of course.” She mumbles to herself. “That would fit with the rest of my evening. Why not top it off with losing the bracelet?”

With that, she heads to the shower to remove yesterday’s makeup and grime. Maybe it will make her feel a little more human. Maybe it won’t. Either way, she has to get up and get cleaned up.

Across the city, Kara is suffering a similar fate. She wakes up feeling hungover. Emotionally, physically, and mentally, she is exhausted. After a phone call to her boss, she plans to work from home for the day. She’s not sure how much work she’ll get done, but at least she doesn’t have to face any people. At the very least, she can finish up the research for her upcoming interview with one of the lead scientists at Spheerical. The interview isn’t until Friday, so she still has plenty of time. 

The thought stops her in her tracks. She knows Lena is in National City, so the chance of her seeing the beautiful genius is higher than it’s ever been. While she wants to see the woman, she also doesn’t know if she’s truly prepared for it. With this in mind, she pulls up the email from her boss to double-check the name of the scientist she’s scheduled to interview. It’s the same woman she interviewed previously, Felicity Smoak. The knowledge puts her at ease and she gets back to her research and preparation. 

Both women spend the rest of the week trudging through the remainder of their daily grind with the enthusiasm of a doorknob. Neither of them have recovered from their experience on Monday and neither are really in the headspace to figure out how to move on from it. Lena is still in an immense amount of pain knowing the last spark of hope she had is well and truly doused. Kara is so angry with her sister and herself that she can’t think of anything else. It hasn’t yet occurred to her that she knows Lena’s email address is active and she could respond to the email and explain her absence. 

It seems even after eight years, they still haven’t gotten their heads out of their asses. 

--

After arriving at her office as usual, Lena spends her Friday morning reviewing budgets, new project proposals, and current project status reports. It’s the mundane part of her job as head of R & D that makes her want to pluck her eyeballs out. She’s just about to move on to the next proposal when her phone intercom buzzes to life.

“Miss Luthor…” The smooth voice of her assistant, Jess, echoes through the speaker.

“Yes, Jess. Go ahead.” Lena says, casually closing the proposal and grabbing the next one. 

“Sorry to disturb you, Miss Luthor. Your lunch is here. Also, Miss Smoak asked if you can cover a meeting for her this afternoon.” Jess says, the sound of typing evident in the background. 

Lena shifts in her chair. Felicity is the R & D manager for the National City branch and typically doesn’t ask her to handle anything unless it’s absolutely necessary. “What type of meeting and what time, Jess? I already have a meeting at 2:00.”

Jess sighs, she knows Lena’s schedule inside out so she is aware of the meeting, but keeps that information to herself. “She said It’s an interview for a science journal or magazine about the upcoming tech and prosthetic release. Miss Smoak had an emergency and won’t be here to cover it.” More sounds of muffled typing sound over the line. “The scheduled interview isn’t until 3:30 so it won’t impact your schedule in any way.”

“Thanks, Jess. Can you bring my lunch in? I’ll just have it at my desk.” She rubs the back of her neck, all of the tension and emotion from the week seems to have settled there. “Let me know when my two o’clock arrives.”

She spends the next two hours reviewing the rest of the documents and doing her best not to think about Kara and the sting of knowing all hope is lost. Her chest has been filled with a dull ache since the moment she realized the woman wasn’t coming. To say she’s used to it would be a lie, but she’s adjusting.

Across town, Kara leans back in her chair and reviews her list of questions, cross-referencing her research notes one last time before she packs everything into her messenger bag to head out. Her walk to Spheerical won’t take long, but she doesn’t want to risk being late so she gives herself plenty of time for any delays. She’s definitely a lot more nervous for this interview than the last one with Miss Smoak. This prosthetic is supposed to be cutting edge and is set to change the game for amputees. In short, it’s an article that could put her on the short list for another award, but her nerves aren’t related to any award. No. Her stomach is twisted into knots at the idea of possibly seeing Lena. 

As much as she wants to push the idea from her head, the more she tries, the more green eyes seem to float across her thoughts. She huffs in frustration at herself and sets her jaw in determination to overcome her traitorous mind. By the time she enters the glass doors of Spheerical, she feels like she has more control and is ready to get to work. A widest, most charming smile gets plastered across her face as she approaches the reception desk.

“Hi! I’m here for an interview with Felicity Smoak.” Kara says as she hands over her I.D. and CatCo badge. “It should be under Kara Danvers for CatCo Worldwide Media.”

The young gentleman at the desk returns her smile and takes her information. A few minutes later, she is handed a visitor's pass and moved along to the elevator. Stepping into the elevator seems to increase the gymnastics inside her stomach so she leans back against the cool metal of the wall and takes a few deep breaths. By the time she has opened her eyes again, the doors are opening to drop her on the tenth floor. It’s the same place she met with Felicity the last time and it settles her nerves a bit. It’s familiar scenery and the same smiling receptionist.

“Miss Danvers, it’s good to see you again.” The receptionist smiles, standing to show her into the conference room across the hallway. “Go ahead and have a seat, she’ll be with you shortly. Help yourself to the refreshments.” 

Kara grabs a bottle of water, deciding she doesn’t need anything that will make her any more jittery than she already is. She sits down and pulls her things out of her bag, getting everything settled for the interview. Her eyes and mind are so focused on her task that she doesn’t notice the door opening and closing.

The sound of footsteps breaks the reporter out of her focus. When Kara looks up, it is into all too familiar eyes, her favorite shade of green. Their eyes meet across the room, wide and shocked. Both of them momentarily freeze. It’s been 8 years since they last spoke or were remotely close to one another. Almost a decade since they went from the center of each other’s world to mere strangers in a quiet conference room. Hurt green eyes meet surprised blue across the large room. They stare at one another inside a building full of people oblivious to the world-stopping moment happening around them. 

Amid the silence, Kara can see Lena’s face has gone ashen and her throat keeps bobbing with harsh swallows. Before they realize what’s happening, both of them are talking at the same time. Kara is out of her chair and speaking before Lena is even halfway to the table. The shocked scientist heads toward the table and does her best to keep her tone professional. 

Once Kara realizes Lena is sitting in the chair with a no-nonsense look on her face, she plops herself back into her own and looks up. Azure eyes comb over pale features, finally settling on pain-stricken viridian eyes. They hold the stare for a brief moment before Lena straightens her back. Kara can see when the Luthor mask emerges from the pained features of the woman she loves. 

“I apologize, Miss Danvers. Miss Smoak had to leave for a personal matter so she asked me to fill in.” Lena states with a matter of fact tone, no emotion and strictly professional. “I understand you’re here to talk about the new prosthetic line and the tech we’re releasing next month. It seems Miss Smoak allotted an hour and a half. If you have your questions ready, we can get started.”

Kara’s shoulders drop. She feels her eyes stinging with tears and isn’t sure if she can stop them from flowing. Lena is being crystal clear that she’s keeping this professional and has no intention of veering into anything personal. The reporter closes her eyes and takes a deep breath to center herself. She clears her throat, opens her eyes, and gets to work. “Of course, Miss Luthor. I’ll do my best to make this as painless and efficient as possible.”

The interview starts and things are a bit stilted. It isn’t until Kara makes one of her signature terrible puns that they both laugh and things settle into a more natural rhythm. Kara asks her questions and Lena provides the most detailed and honest answers she can without revealing too much. The reporter smiles and sits her head in her hand as she watches the love of her life gesture passionately about one of her newest inventions. It reminds her of all the nights they spent on their couch in their apartment sharing stories about classes and just life in general. She must have missed something the scientist said because she is broken from her thoughts when a hand lands on her forearm.

“”Hey, everything okay?” Lena asks, brow furrowed in concern. “I called your name several times and you didn’t respond.”

Kara nods her head, clearing her throat in embarrassment. “Y-Yeah. Yes. I’m fine. Just got lost in my head for a bit. I’m sorry.” She flashes a half-hearted smile and sits back to flip through her notebook. Scanning to make sure she didn’t skip any questions and counting the remaining ones, she looks back up. “Seems like we only have five more questions left.”

Lena watches her for a few more seconds, biting her lip as if to hold back from saying something. Whatever it is dies on her tongue as she shakes her head and gestures for the reporter to continue. They get through the remaining questions in record time. Kara gives a polite thank you and starts stuffing all of her items back into her bag. Once everything is packed away, she glances around to make sure nothing was missed and stands. Pushing her chair back under the table, she turns to walk away. For the second time in eight years, she’s walking away from the woman she loves. Just as her hand lands on the handle of the door, she stops and turns.

“I showed up.” Kara mumbles quietly as she fidgets with the strap of her bag, eyes fixed on her feet. “I was too late, but I was there. Just wanted you to know.” She reaches into her pocket and pulls out the bracelet she found sitting on the bench. When she looks up and her eyes find Lena’s, she can see the surprise on her face. A broken smile barely lifts the corners of her mouth as she turns to leave the room. Before she can wrap her hand completely around the handle again, a cold hand settles on her warm skin. She freezes.

“You were there.” It’s quietly whispered. Like a leaf rustling in the breeze, it’s barely audible. Lena isn’t sure she can speak any louder, there’s a lump of emotion in her throat she’s been begging to stay put all week. “I waited and waited. Almost two hours. You never came.”

Kara spins around, her eyes wide with fear. She’s desperate to explain, panicked that things will spiral and she won’t get another chance. “Lena, I promise I would have been there sooner if I had known. Alex, she did this thing…I wasn’t getting your emails. Then she undid the thing…then I got the emails and I kicked her out, but I didn’t see the…” 

She takes a breath and starts again. “Once I saw the email, I took off running. Lena, I ran as fast as I could and it should’ve taken thirty minutes, but I did it in twenty-six. And I was still too late.” Her face drops and tears sting her eyes again. This time she doesn’t stop them, she just lets them fall. If this is the last time she gets to be in the same room with Lena, at least it will be honest.

Green eyes observe with interest, she’s not really sure what Kara’s rambling about, but she has deduced that Alex did something. Blocked her email address, she thinks? Then she unblocked it and Kara got the messages. It’s still not really clear. A humorless laugh pushes through her lips, why doesn’t she just ask?

“Kara, I’m not really sure what you are trying to tell me. Can you slow down for a second and explain?” Lena asks, her hands involuntarily raising to wipe the blonde’s tears. When she realizes what she’s doing, she pulls her hands away and steps back. “Why don’t we sit back down? Sounds like this is going to take a while.”

So they sit. They talk about what happened on Monday and why Kara never responded to any of her messages over the years. It doesn’t fix things. It doesn’t make everything better. They still have a lot to talk about and a million things to sort out, but they’re talking. It’s more than either of them could have anticipated a few days ago. They make plans for dinner the following day and discover they both kept the same numbers just in case the other ever tried to call. 

As they stand outside the elevator, getting ready to part ways, Kara lifts the bracelet up again, offering it to Lena. “I can’t believe you still have this. It was always attached to my keychain. It was the one you bought me on our first date, I always kept my apartment key on it.” She grinned down at the brilliant woman as long fingers plucked the bracelet out of her hand. Her eyes trace the movement of her other hand lifting something from her jacket pocket.

Kara’s jaw drops in disbelief. It’s the keychain.

“I’ve kept it with me everyday since you left. I’m not sure why. I think maybe it was my way of staying connected to you. Holding it always takes me back to places we went and things we did.” Lena shrugs, running her fingers across the ridges of the metal. “For a really long time I wished I didn’t, but I remember everything, Kara. Now, I’m glad I do.”

A teary smile spreads across Kara’s face. “How do you feel about starting over?”

Lena lets out a wet laugh. “Mmm, I’m not sure that’s really what I want.” She pauses to hold her hand to her chin, staring at the reporter. “Hear me out. Starting over feels like forgetting everything and starting new. I don’t want that. Our history and our past are what built us. What if we just talk things out and start again?”

“Yeah, I like that.” Kara smiles, tears slowly drying on her cheeks.” Let’s start again.”

“I told you, I remember everything. I want to keep it that way.” Lena smiles and presses a kiss to her cheek. They share one more smile. Kara disappears into one elevator and Lena into the other. 

Things aren’t perfect and it’s not going to be easy, but they’re starting again. What more could they ask for?

[partyinthecookiejar]

Date of Birth and Career

DATE OF BIRTH 1, 10, 19 and 28 - ABUNDANCE

These numbers are most influenced by the Sun and Leo. The most powerful combination is the bearer of this number, who was born under the sign of Leo, which makes them a powerful person. These four numbers are the most powerful workers. people who have an infinite amount of strength, will, independence, analytical ability and energy. People who have the highest probability of material success in any career to achieve.

Anyone born on these dates is more likely to be in a leadership position. It's a matter of how the bearer of this number uses their energy, whether he falls into the clutches of convenience and loses ambition, or fights to rise to the top. Anyway, luck is given to these four numbers the most and I recommend taking advantage of it. To do this, the bearer of this number must find his right profession, and when he finds it, they will be happy. The goal for these numbers is to achieve individuality.

Since number 1, 10, 19 and 28 are very kind people, they should not give too much of themselves.

DATE OF BIRTH 2, 11, 20 and 29 - HELPING PEOPLE 

These numbers are most influenced by the Cancer zodiac, regardless of which month they were born. However, the most peace-loving soul is the bearers of this number born under the Cancer zodiac. Bearers of this number need stability and the approval of others. The work is successful only if the people next to them value this contribution. The most suitable jobs are helping people, caring, healing, medicine, working with animals, etc. All professions where the main purpose is to help others.

The only way the bearer of this number can find clarity within and find the right path is if they have a loving family behind them. In general, the primary goal of these people is to create a home and only then start a career. However, if these goals have changed, then the bearer of this number may feel constant hesitation about their profession for a long time and internal tensions may arise when working.

The lesson for these numbers is that they should find enough time for themselves, either to rest or pursue their hobbies. It is important that the bearers of these numbers are positive and able to be persistent in their profession.

DATE OF BIRTH 3, 12, 21 and 30 - ENTERTAINMENT

These numbers are most influenced by the Sagittarius zodiac sign, no matter what sign they were born under.

Those born under these numbers get with their number an opportunity for success in various fields that are meant to entertain people. Be it running a restaurant, owning a store, starting a gym or any other business. The only thing they really need to be successful is to maintain ambition. They easily fall into boredom, which saps their motivation. In order for the motivation to be constantly there, they need someone next to them to push them to action constantly. If they have such a companion, then everything is possible.

The lesson they need apart from being motivated is that they need experience. So they have to do a lot of training and get to know the professional world in order to become successful. A lack of experience can send their ventures downhill.

DATE OF BIRTH 4, 13, 22 and 31 - STABILITY

These numbers are most influenced by the Aquarius. A person who needs the safety and concrete boundaries. They always choose a job looking at whether there will be a future ten years from now and they don't like odd jobs. In an ideal world, the bearers of these numbers would work on one particular profession all their lives, and when they achieve it, success will come from it

Various jobs related to accounting, policing, law, and various professions related to the pursuit of specific facts are suitable. These numbers are most gifted with logical thinking and the ability to apply it professionally. If they do not find the right profession, they will have a new mission, which is to create a home and make family life more stable. Let that family be only his own loved ones or the lives of his friends. They have a need to create order in any aspect.

The lesson for these numbers is that they find peace within themselves and let other people be who they want to be. Their lesson is that they should not be overly critical of others' choices and should consider that everyone has their own weaknesses.

DATE OF BIRTH 5, 14 and 23- ENTREPRENEURS

These numbers are most influenced by Gemini and Virgo. However, those who were also born as Gemini or Virgo have a lot of power to be a versatile worker. People who are extremely successful at holding several jobs simultaneously throughout their lives. For those born under these numbers, I recommend multitasking. These numbers cannot be appointed to specific careers, as they can be successful in anything, unless laziness or inconstancy derails them.

DAYS 6, 15 and 24 - GENERATORS OF IDEAS

These numbers are most influenced by the zodiac signs of Libra and Taurus. They have a particularly strong talent for creating ideas from which successful ventures can be born. The only problem can be extremely stubbornness, which prevents them from turning negative aspects into positive ones, i.e. they do not listen well to the advice of others, not even the opinion of their loved ones. If they became more flexible, they would have the opportunity for happiness.

They are creators, but not leaders, so they need someone by their side who can help them realize their skill full mind without major setbacks.

Learn to notice in time that things are going downhill and invite someone to help you or share a vision. Their numerology gives the opportunity to fly high or fall high.

DATE OF BIRTH 7, 16 and 25 - UNIQUE THINKERS

These numbers are most influenced by the Pisces zodiac. These numbers are given the opportunity to be successful in very specific professions that require a lot of logic and analytical skills. They can be very successful in information technology, chemistry, physics, science and various professions where something needs to be studied or improved.

For these numbers to find their profession, they need a very secure childhood or connection with their parents. If this part is fulfilled, they are not given karmic blocks to develop their talent. They are suitable for working alone and do not tolerate being under or at the disposal of anyone. Ideal workers only when no one bothers or disturbs them.

The lesson is that they must learn to communicate with others and communicate their own visions. If they want to be successful, they must find within themselves the ability to share their knowledge and not be too shy about showing off their talents. Number 7, 16 and 25-1 can have very low self-esteem and not know how to value themselves professionally.

DATE OF BIRTH 8, 17 and 26 - CREATIVITY

These numbers are most influenced by the Saturn and Capricorn. The most ambitious and reliable nature, the ideal combination of which would be a person born under the sign of Capricorn. One problem with their careers is that they calculate the materiality of their work before thinking about what their soul wants. But Saturn's symbolism gives these numbers a need for love that makes them constantly question between their heart's desire and material choices.

The bearer of this number works best on creative work, such as interior design, architecture, cooking, etc. They are better suited as subordinates and do their jobs well if they are surrounded by good people. Good people because Saturn's need for love makes them unable to be indifferent to negative or overly critical people.

The lesson for these numbers is that they have to work hard in their profession, either learning it or establishing themselves. They must not give up and must learn to find a balance between the heart's desire and materialism.

DATE OF BIRTH 9, 18 and 27- COMMUNICATION

These numbers are most influenced by the Aries zodiac. These people have a natural ability to do everything right, solve problems between people and do the dirty work for others. Good communication skills and the ability to be pleasant are not a problem for them.

Those born under these numbers should not lead a routine life, they need adventure or travel to sustain their ambitions. Care must be taken with co-workers, as these numbers have a special attraction to envy.

The career success of these numbers depends very much on their love life. If they have the right partner by their side, then everything will be fine at work and their willingness to work is boundless. However, if there is a relationship crisis in their private life, all professional success suffers. Thus, their biggest problem may be an unstable relationship, and thus their goal should be to get their personal life in order in order to achieve professional success.

[yellowhollyhock]

After Leo’s depression arc I want Raph to just go off on him for how Leo treated everyone during it. Just because he’s better doesn’t mean his actions have hurt those closest to him.

I can totally respect where you're coming from, like an acknowledgment of how that ordeal affected his siblings

Personally though, that's a fic I wouldn't want to read

My siblings and I grew up with various undiagnosed mental health conditions. Two of them had symptoms became a lot more severe in their late teens. Symptoms of depression and anxiety sometimes look like being a jerk to the people closest to you.

As the sibling dealing with this, and also not knowing about my own symptoms at the time... I would never want them to feel like they have to apologize for what they were suffering. It was hurtful sometimes. Anxiety attacks are much harder to spot than panic attacks and can look like a person acting meaner than usual; so if someone is having anxiety attacks often and you don't know what it is, yeah that stings. I was hurtful sometimes, too, echoing ableist ideas I'd learned at school or church without really understanding what I was saying or realizing it applied to the people I loved the most. Also, I didn't know until more recently, but I had a lot of symptoms growing up too that were hurtful to them, like how out of control mad I could get if the light was on too late at night, not understanding yet that I was overstimulated and thinking it was common sense that they should turn off the noisy light. Or just ignoring them for hours at a time, or trying to pretend to be emotionless because I didn't know how to process things.

None of them have ever made me feel like I had to apologize for that. We were all kids, kids dealing with really difficult stuff, and we just give each other grace.

As we've all grown up and understood ourselves and each other better, we're a lot more likely to apologize for the ableism we've worked to unlearn than for symptoms we didn't know how to deal with. It's also a lot more healing and productive to make more positive memories together (which we already had a lot to draw on, just mixed in with and complicated by the hard memories) than it is to analyze our past and try to decide who was more hurt or who was more wrong.

That's the fic I want to see for the 2003 turtles, over and over honestly. To me, it would be more satisfying to read about Leo realizing why he acted the way he did and why it was unhealthy, taking better care of himself and then seeing his behaviors improve because that's what happens when you're healthy, than to read about him getting yelled at. And the show kind of did that! Leo comes back from his training with the Ancient One acting much kinder and more Leo than he has in a long time, maybe ever. I'd like to see the other turtles learn from his experience about their own needs amd how they can take better care of themselves and each other

Raph getting to meet with The Ancient One for help with things he's been dealing with his whole life that his family didn't even realize were symptoms because they just thought it was normal, is a fic I would love to see a hundred different takes on.

Or, while Leo's gone, or even before, Splinter talking with his other kids about what Leo is going through and helping them not blame themselves, and all of them helping each other navigate a really difficult situation

Anyway that's just my opinion shaped by my experience. Everyone else is entitled to theirs

[donnerpartyofone]

The little pink brain surrounded by stars and flowers at the end of my computer search bar tells me that it is World Brain Health Day, which is insane but maybe that's appropriate. This was a great year to get my ADHD diagnosis and prescription considering the Very Complicated Things that are happening (mostly fine, just A LOT). I have also become aware that the dose of medical meth that I'm on is helping to manage my severe chronic depression, which is pretty awesome since I have tried what feels like "everything" and nothing really works without some gruesome side effect. The main side effect in this case turns up because I'm working a (roughly) 4 days on, 3 days off schedule as recommended by my doctor to avoid building up a tolerance, and I have begun to notice that on the 2nd-or-so day off I have a bit of a snap-back effect that plunges me into a pit of infinite darkness. It helps to remember that when unmedicated I am OFTEN plunging into a pit of infinite darkness, so this is essentially normal. The most positive version of being unmedicated is that I'm at least "pretty depressed" most of the time, and probably not getting as much done, just schlorping around in a general malaise. Just the getting things done is good for my self-esteem anyway. Work helps too, oddly; when I am completely consumed by a big urgent project, it is hard to find the time and energy to fantasize about being dead. Of course obsessive work causes other kinds of wear and tear, but their negativity is less immediately obvious.

Today I am doing the Extremely Complicated training process to write for this pop culture website you have probably heard of. When I was picked to do this I thought, "This is probably too much work for not enough money," and now I'm realizing that it is actually WAY too much work for not NEARLY enough money. But it's good for someone like me while I still don't have a real job, so I'm coping with this ordeal of doing the online training, thinking I'm done, doing my first assignment, realizing there was way more of the online training but I just didn't click the right button or something, revising my assignment, submitting it, realizing there's still MORE stuff I should have fixed and racing through the assignment making little changes and clicking Save after every single one of them never knowing when somebody's is going to start evaluating it, and just praying for death the best. Then at the same time I heard back from an event organizer who totally refused to communicate with me for the last two months so I just cancelled on them like two weeks ago, and now they're telling me they're so sorry and can we please do the event, and I have to have an annoying back-and-forth with the tricky third party this is dependent on, and do all this other stuff I'm suddenly too tired to describe. And THEN AT THE SAME TIME AS THAT I got invited to write more writing for the super awesome company that sometimes publishes me, also for not enough money on the hour but they're apologetic about that and the writing matters to me (and so does the company). And this is all great but my stomach has turned into a rock and my back muscles are fossilizing and I'm in breathe-on-purpose mode and I'm regretting how much coffee I drank and I wish I could calm down with a beer or even a joint or something, but the beer will actually increase my meth uptake and the joint will add to my anxiety in this state, and so I just have to grind my teeth through this until the day is done. I wish I could play for you guys the earsplitting power tool sound from right next door that has been echoing through the neighborhood since 8 o'clock this morning, just as like the OST to this whole experience, but you'll just have to imagine it! I also meant to apply for Real Jobs today, but now it seems clear that that's not going to happen until tomorrow. The End...FOR NOW.