#sighhhhh complicated feelings time

[overgrownmoon]

ventpost below i need to yell into the void some more

ok i had dinner and i feel better but man there’s a lot on my mind right now and if i don’t yell about it somewhere i might explode. the problem is i don’t really know who irl might be able to genuinely help me with this issue. let me get into it, while trying to not give out too many personal details.

my baby brother is 17 years younger than me. yea, big gap. he’s actually my half brother, my stepdad and mom got married a few years ago. look, i love my stepdad. i love my bro. but… man, do i have complicated feelings.

i’m terrified we’ll never be close due to the age gap. we might never relate to each other or find common ground. i mean, im gonna move out and he’ll spend most of his childhood knowing me as someone who doesn’t live with him. will he see me as a sibling? will i just be another annoying family member mom makes him say hi to?

how can i even say that part of me is angry he exists? how can i say that and feel good about myself? listen, i dont like feeling that way, but there is a part of me that is so upset that he was born.

my younger brother and I were sat down and told the news when mom was a month pregnant. i spent the moments leading up to that reveal praying that this wouldn’t be a pregnancy announcement. then I had to pretend i wasnt thinking that. i told mama i was happy and felt so guilty, like i was lying. i’m not sure if i wasn’t.

we were never consulted. at no point did mama or my stepdad ask us how we would feel about a new sibling. never were we included in that conversation. i’m sorry, don’t i live here? isn’t this my family? don’t i have a voice in this? it felt unfair, like i wasn’t even considered as someone who would have feelings about this. it’s a huge life change, i would’ve liked to at least be asked! i still feel betrayed. and i feel selfish that i do.

no, i didn’t want a new baby in the house. i was happy with my younger bro and my new stepsister from stepdad’s side, who lives in a different state than me. i thought our family was enough. when the baby was announced, i suddenly felt that maybe i wasn’t enough. maybe me and my brother weren’t enough.

are we not enough? why did mama want another? did we not love her enough? did my stepdad not love us enough? why would they have felt that they needed a new baby between them, a new child born from their marriage, when we kids were already there? what sort of need did they feel to “validate” or “deepen their bond?” y’all are married, we had the ceremony and everything, was it not enough? i don’t understand.

it’s hard for me to understand. i have tokophobia, the fear of pregnancy. i describe it as a phobia since the very mention of it makes me feel sick and upset. i get uncomfortable just seeing a visibly pregnant person in public. the idea of a being growing inside me and using my energy frightens me, and the whole ordeal that is birth sounds like a torture scene from a horror movie. i can’t fathom why someone would want to go through that a third time! i can’t even imagine wanting to do it once!

i know it’s not my baby bros fault. he didn’t choose to be born. he’s here, and we can’t undo that. i’ll do my best to love him and raise him in this home. i’m so, so scared of the future, though.

i’m scared because i see so much of my own childhood fears coming through. as a kid i felt like a burden. that i was a leech on my parents money and time. i felt guilty for having the problems and issues every kid has because i felt that i was being an undue burden, some kind of obstacle against my parent’s happiness. i thought they would be happier if i didn’t exist, and if they were free to go travel and vacation without a needy child to take care of. in many ways i’m still shaking off those old thoughts about myself; i still find it hard to ask for help without feeling like i’m just making more problems for everyone.

will the baby feel like that? will he watch me and my brother move out, get jobs, while he has to live at home for another decade? will he watch other folks my parents age, whose children are out of the house and are free to go and do whatever they want, and feel that he is the reason his own parents can’t? will he feel that he is the burden of the family, like i did?

i hate that feeling. i don’t want him to feel that way. no kid should feel that way. i especially hate that sometimes i feel myself thinking that way about him; being annoyed that i have to watch him instead of going somewhere, that we have to be back in time for his nap instead of staying out, that we can’t go out at all because we don’t have a sitter for him. i hate it. it’s not his fault. i know that. but after going a few years where we as a family could be spontaneous, could go and do and be out for however long we wanted, and then be put back in a restrictive schedule - it sucks. i liked that freedom and i want it back. that’s not fair to him.

i don’t feel like a very good big sibling, or a very good person saying all of this. i don’t feel good at all. i struggle talking about this to anyone because that’s mum family i’m talking about, a little boy, and how dare i speak so evilly about my little baby brother? i feel like a monster. i’m could never say anything about this to mama; she’d be so hurt, because that’s her baby i’m talking about. it sucks because i can talk to mama about anything else but this. we have always been so close and i feel like this is driving. a wedge in that, because i don’t think we will ever be able to see eye to eye and understand each others views. mama had always wanted children; i will be happy with none. i dont think we’d ever be able to find a solution.

i don’t know what to do. of course i’ll never take it out on the baby, but i’m so scared of this turning into resentment that i can’t help but show around him. i can’t do that to him, make him think i hate him for something he had no control over. yet, how does one ever figure out these complicated thoughts? i don’t think i ever will. that’s terrifying to think about.

uh, thanks for reading, i guess. irl moots please know i’m fine, currently. just really in the weeds at the moment. im tired.

shit, man, family. i thought mine was already complicated enough.

[radellama]

Having yet another night of missing when I played my fave loz games for the first times, and my controversial.. distaste.. for botw

[alexstorm]

Sorry mod, know Alexa has been discussed relentlessly, but to the recent mention... I think it is probably safe to say that Alex is at least holding out some hope of yet another eventual reunion, or maybe even the happily-ever-after with Alexa, (if nothing else, at least subconsciously), or he would probably be a little more emotionally available with his current girlfriends. But his picking is so off, do they even deserve his emotional attachment? That is a rhetorical question! At this point it is kind of what comes first, the lack of desire for real emotional involvement or the women he's choosing, who he is probably aware quickly cannot satisfy him on a deeper level. He is so stubborn, he keeps manifesting the self-fulfilling prophecy that no one will be as good as Alexa. Again, THERAPY! Model, fame-whore, arm- candy does not make you look better/younger/more-desirable, I'd argue it's doing the opposite. Alexa is not the only attractive woman with a personality in the world, both of which are not really all that impressive from her. The intervention is probably not coming, but I still think he will possibly get his shit together eventually, right? 🤷‍♀️ Yet how we love the intriguing enigma of a beautiful, complicated man-child! Sighhhhh... 🤦‍♀️

I would say he has a desire for real emotional involvement otherwise he wouldn't write the songs he writes. It's just that he's compartmentalising that for the last 10 years. Potentially because of the unrealistic hope of getting back together with Alexa. And even if that would happen it would be an unhealthy relationship unless they work through their issues. So his faulty picking of girlfriends purposefully prevents him from getting emotionally involved. He is his own worst enemy!

Unless he's willing to address his own issues in therapy he'll continue the cycle of terrible girlfriends while feeling empty inside. Like anon I too think there will come a turning point eventually where it either breaks out unwanted by Alex and he has to deal with it in real time or he's smart enough to get ahead of it and deal with it beforehand. Either way it will make for great art.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Hello there, can I have your name? Stephanie.

Have you gotten close to anyone recently? Not anyone new, no.

Out of all your friends, who do you spill ALL your secrets to? I spill everything in these surveys.

Do you miss the way things used to be? I miss the way a lot of things used to be.

On your “lazy days” what are you doing? So what do I do everyday? Lie around in bed switching between social medias, watch YouTube videos, watch TV, read, scroll through Tumblr, do surveys, play some Animal Crossing: New Horizons, sleep...

Do you remember the first conversation you had with the person you have feelings for? I don’t have romantic feelings for anyone at this time.

Are you anything like you were at this point last year? Unfortunately. Have you ever got a D or F on your report card? No.

If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months would you? How about 5 years?

Do you like anybody? Not in the romantic sense.

Do you believe that people talk about you behind your back? I don’t think I’m on anyone’s radar.

If you had twins, would you give them rhyming names? Not having kids, but in the hypothetical scenario where I had twins; no, I would not.

Do you remember what you were like a year ago? Yeah, like I said I’m the same now, which means I haven’t changed much. And that’s not good.

What are you listening to? An ASMR video.

Would you rather go back a week or forward? Forward.

Did you do something mean to someone today? No.

What holiday is your birthday closet to? 4th of July.

Is there anyone that you wish was IN your life who used to be? I do miss having Ty in my life and the way things were between us a few years ago. I’m such a mess now, though. :(

Give us a lyric from a song you’re listening to: I’m not listening to any music right now.

Is your birthday in less than 6 months? I already had my birthday 3 months ago.

Do you think your zodiac sign fits your personality? No, I’m so opposite of how a Leo is said to be.

What brings out the worst in you? My mental health has.

How’re you feeling right now? Tired and kinda hungry.

When’s the last time you ate at Taco Bell and with who? I haven’t ate at a Taco Bell in several years.

Are you closer to your father or mother? My mom.

Are you a morning person or a night person? Night.

What are you supposed to be doing right now? I mean, I should be asleep at 630 in the morning, but that just wouldn’t be me now would it?

Would you ever get a tattoo? I’ve wanted one for several years, but I just don’t see it ever happening.

Are you one of those people who hate crying in front of others? Most definitely.

Is anyone on your mind right now? No. 

What’s the greatest thing that happened today? Nothing much has happened so far.

Are you afraid of the future? Very.

Do you believe in true love? Yeah. I just don’t see it happening for me. 

Has anyone ever given you jewelry on Christmas? Yeah, my family.

What do you prefer, Skittles or Starbursts? I liked the strawberry Starbursts. I couldn’t even tell you the last time I had Skittles or Starbursts, though. It’s been a longgggg time. Like honestly, probably not since high school.

Mike & Ikes or Jolly Ranchers? Jolly Ranchers. I don’t think I’ve had those since high school either to be honest. The watermelon ones were the best. Anyone remember the Jolly Ranchers suckers? Those were really popular when I was in middle school. My school used to sell candy and ice cream after school and I’d always get some of those and/or those caramel apple suckers, and a Superstar (chocolate banana ice cream bar). 

How are you feeling right now? We’ve been through this already, I feel tired and kinda hungry.

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? I’ve gone 31 years so far and have no desire to start.

Were you happy when you woke up today? I haven’t gone to bed, yet, but I never wake up happy. I wake up feeling like a zombie.

Do you believe that every one has a soul-mate? I don’t know, man.

Have you ever fallen into a mud puddle? No.

Do you like winter? I love it.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? Always.

Will you talk to someone on the phone tonight? Not likely unless my mom calls me on her lunch break like she sometimes does.

Was today a good day? It’s only 6:46AM.

What woke you up this morning? ...

Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning? I always take them at night.

How did your day go yesterday? Typical day for me.

Are you talking to anyone? No.

Do you look people in the eye when you talk to them? Yeah. I look away now and then, but yeah.

Have you cried on somebody’s shoulder? Yes.

Have you ever played naked twister? Uh, no.

Will this weekend be a good one? *shrug*

Do you call people Douche-bags? I’ve said it about people, but not to anyone.

Would you marry for money? Absolutely not.

Did you kiss or hug anyone yesterday? Nope.

Can you sleep in jeans? I couldn’t now as someone who only wears leggings and hasn’t even worn jeans at all in like 3 years.

What color are your eyes? Brown.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders? Yeah, it goes down to my butt.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked? I wasn’t interested in anyone in the romantic sense last year.

What are you doing at this very moment? Hmm, take a guess.

What was the last piece of clothing you wore that didn’t belong to you? I don’t wear clothing that doesn’t belong to me. <<<

If you had the chance to see ONE band, (past or present) live, who would you pick? I wish I got to see Linkin Park while Chester was still alive. </3 :(

How long have you been in your current relationship? Sighhhhh.

Are you a patient person? No.

Would you get in trouble if you came home drunk? No, I’m 31 years old.

Do you ever think about things and start to worry? Haha only all the time.

Are you one to get annoyed easily? Yes. Somedays any little thing can do it.

Do you have any pets? Yep, a doggo named Princess Leia. <3

Is the last person you kissed yours? I don’t own anyone.

Are you a player or do you keep to one person? I’m certainly not a player. I’ve been played, though.

Was it a boy or a girl to text you first today? No one has as of now.

Are you scared of spiders? Uh, extremely.

Do you hate the last boy who talked to you? No, I love my brother.

Where are you? In my room sitting on my bed.

Do you think that crying is a form of weakness? No. I’m just hard on myself because I feel like such a crybaby. I’m like, jeez you’re crying again what’s wrong with you? Or about how I cry over the same things, but not actively or even trying to do anything about them. I’m just not very understanding or kind to myself.

Do you tend to make things complicated? Yeppp. :/

Have you ever slept on a couch with someone? No.

Have you ever gotten to the point where you’ve said “I’m done trying”? I’ve felt that way many times throughout my life. And there have been times I did not stop trying when it came to certain things. I also have neglected myself and my life in a lot of ways these past few years, so I feel like I haven’t been trying at all. Do you miss someone? I’ll always miss my loved ones who have passed away.

Do you think things will change in the next few months? No.

Have you cried this past week? Of course.

Do you think two people can last forever? It happens.

Last reason you threw up? I had a stomach bug or something. 

Do you think relationships are even worth it? Yes.

Does it bother you when people try to make you jealous? No one tries to make me jealous, but yeah it would. Like that’s just stupid.

Is it possible to be single and happy? Yeah, there’s lots of happy single people. 

Do you like when people play with your hair? I loved that when I was a kid.

Are you mad at someone right now? No.

Best memory? I couldn’t choose just one.

Do you remember your dreams? No, for some reason it’s like they vanish as soon as I wake up.

First off, single or taken? Single. As if that hasn’t been made abundantly clear by now. 

Do you wear a lot of makeup? No. I haven’t worn any makeup in like 3 years.

What are you wearing right now? Leggings and a Scream shirt.

Is there someone you want to fight? No. I’m not a fighter.

What kind of hairstyle do you have right now? It’s up in a bun.

What’s annoying you right now? Mehhh.

Do you have your license? Nope.

Are you tired? Of course I am.

Who will you be with today/tonight? I’ll be with all my family at various times because they each have work but different schedules. We’ll all be home together tonight when they’re all off and home for the night. I’ll be with my doggo all day.

What color is the shirt you are wearing? Black.

Last person to call you? My mom.

Do you have any piercings? Just my earlobes.

Have you ever kissed someone who you weren't dating? Yes.

What was the reason for your last tear shed? Blah.

Do you go to school? If so, what one? Nope, I finished 5 years ago.

Ever feel like you have been replaced? I’ve felt that way many times before. I definitely know my former friends have replaced me, but that’s completely to be expected. I hope they have found better friends than me.

What are you doing tonight? Same stuff I do every night.

Who were you last in car with? My mom.

Would you rather write a paper or give a speech? Write a paper. I definitely do not miss having to give speeches or do presentations in front of the class. 

Are you lying to yourself about something? Maybe.

What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter? Toast, PB & jelly, bananas, chocolate. 

Your mood summed up into one word? Blah.

Is the person you last texted single? No.

Are you a happy person? No. Have you had your birthday this year? Yeah, three months ago.

Do you think any of your exes will eventually want to be with you again? Nopeee. And that’s perfectly fine cause I don’t want to be them either.

Was New Year’s Eve enjoyable? It was okay. I miss how we were all like, woo roaring 20′s and 2020 vision we’re gonna see things clearly and how we had absolutely NO idea what was soon to come and how quickly the world would change. Although, I will say I think we have seen a lot of things more clearly this year, it was just a lot bigger and more serious than we thought. 

If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move to?  Hmm. Not sure. My family and I do really want to move in the near future, though.

What would you change about your life right now? A lot of things...

Has anything upset you in the past week? Yes.

Are you on the phone? Nope.

What’s your favorite color? Pastels, rose gold, coral, mint green, and yellow.

Which do you prefer, relationship or a one-night-stand? Relationship. I’m not interested in a one night stand.

[serenagaywaterford]

"I actually don’t think June is overly clever or good at manipulating people at all" honestly you're right, I guess I'm still clinging to s2 june. and s2 serena as well (2x10 can choke). I think serena's vibe this episode just felt different, but I guess that's not saying much when her vibe tends to change from ep to ep. all I want is for serena to ask rita to keep an eye on june while she's in canada, that's all I want right now. which is a lot, I know.

I agree. Her vibe WAS different. It sort of followed from last week’s vague concern. Serena… I honestly don’t know what to make of her. Cos I’m so torn between what I desperately want to be true, what I suspect is true, and what I unfortunately feel the show will do. The latter two are somewhat similar but I mean, it’s so hard. And it bothers me cos a show shouldn’t rely on “Well, maybe this character will be completely different next ep! You just never know!!! Tee hee!” in order to develop suspense and tension. I want to believe these tiny moves (against Gilead, men, etc.) and clear lack of hate towards June from Serena points towards something good. But as we’ve seen too many times, Serena is like that old lady that was spinning from that helicopter. (Y’all know the one, right?)

Like, I mean, there’s been a tiny bit of consistency with her these last two episodes which is SHOCKING. First she protects June, then this episode she’s clearly pleased that June’s back to “normal” (she’s a strong one afterall!!!) and she (feebly in the tiniest, least suspicious way humanly possible) attempts to again protect June from the rape. it’s all a bit weird if her only goal is nichole and getting her thru non-Gileadean channels–aka NOT propaganda–, protecting june seems like it would accomplish the opposite? like why protect the baby mama if you want her baby? if she has no use for june, why protect her or be concerned about her in any way?

and clearly Serena doesn’t need June anymore. (okay, obviously she does in another way, just not in a strategic, tactical way that matters to getting Nichole into her possession.) She why is she concerned? Why protect her at all?

Unless she either has a plan for June to help (and assumes June will–which is a nice huge leap lol), or, she cares about her. It could be either or, maybe both. Maybe neither. Who knows.I think the funniest thing would be that this was June and Serena’s super duper secret plan the whole time, and it just got a little bit derailed for a while haha. (This is 100% not the case cos that emotional break up in 3x06 and the death match stabby stab in 3x09 make zero sense in this context but hey it’s a fun mind-wander to take.)

ANYWAY

Who knows. At this point, I suppose I just have to sit back and ride it all out  these two parallel yet also intertwined stories. (Like, seriously, it’s the SAME damn story. These two are so fucking similar to each other it’s wild. They are both on a selfish mission to save their “daughter”– I have to put it in quotes cos lbr Nichole isn’t Serena’s and while Hannah is June’s, there’s a lot to unpack there about children and constant instability of caregivers. Note: I’m not suggesting Hannah stay in Gilead cos that’s horrible, just that child psychology is complicated and it has been five years. But this is a whole other massive thing.)

*sighhhhh*

Imagine Serena asking Rita that. :}}}}}} 

[nellie-elizabeth]

Grey's Anatomy: Someone Saved My Life Tonight (17x17)

I found so many, many, many things about this episode incredibly frustrating! And I'm frustrated by my own frustration, because I just wanted to have a good time and be done with it.

Cons:

Where to start? I think one of my issues with this episode was the time wasting that happened from last week's installment. Why did we have that whole little tiff between Maggie and Winston about when to get married, if they were going to arrange a quick wedding, then call it off literally during the ceremony, then just have a bigger ceremony later on? What was the point of that whole little run-around?

And even more annoying because the stakes are so much higher... why have Jo denied custody of Luna, then go through all of the drama of having Link foster Luna, and then just show that Jo won and got custody... all happening offscreen so we didn't get to see any of that juicy drama play out? Why not stretch this journey out over the past couple of episodes, and instead of showing Jo getting denied, show that there are difficulties in front of her, and that she needs to fight, then have it be framed through that lens of fighting for what she wants? The Link fostering Luna thing was so absurd and then we didn't even really see that play out at all. Link, a man who wants more children, didn't get too caught up in the fact that he's the legal guardian of a baby? Okay then...

And oh god, Link. Amelia. Why the fuck. Seriously, I've long said that I like Amelia as a character when she's not bogged down in too much drama. This season and the last, when it was focused on Link, and the baby, and yeah there were some bumpy patches but honestly a lot of it was just the two of them being an actually good couple and making each other smile... it's the most I've ever liked Amelia's character. And now we're back to drama with Link and Amelia? Whyyyyy. Do not want. It's fine if Amelia doesn't want more kids and doesn't want to get married. I'm not mad at her for that. I'm mad at the writers for deciding that Link just had to want those things, and Amelia had to be bad at communicating her own desires, and that they had to break up. And that I had to watch the most embarrassing failed proposal scene, with Mer's kids standing there eagerly awaiting their Auntie Amelia's response... I was just cringing the whole time.

For the record, if I was in charge, I'd do the Amelia/Link "drama" thusly: Amelia founders a bit on telling Link she doesn't want more kids, but eventually opens up and shares a bit about what she's been telling her NA group. And then Link could think about it, and say he's happy being Scout's father and obviously he's going to have a lot of kids around in his life what with his nieces and nephew and possible future kids if Maggie and Winston have any, and now baby Luna because Jo has adopted her, and he's content with that. But then, he'd propose, and Link would express that for him, marrying Amelia would make him really happy, and it doesn't have to be a big production, he just wants to have that, and Amelia would say yes, not just as a compromise/sacrifice, but because she realizes that she's content with this part of it. Something gentle, after a few minor bumps in the road.

Instead Link is sleeping in Jo's as of yet still unpacked new house with Jo and baby Luna. Sighhhhh. Maybe they'll co-parent Luna as platonic partners? I'm just mad.

And then while we're watching a couple I really like go through a breakup, we also have to put up with Owen being all cheesy and stupid and making it snow in Meredith's lawn, and proposing to Teddy. Ugh. Gag me. Can they fuck off into the "happily ever after" sunset and leave the show for good, so I don't have to watch them anymore? And also, what was the point of Teddy having COVID and then being just totally fine? It added nothing.

For the most part I enjoyed Meredith's plot in this episode but it did feel a little choppy, pacing-wise? Like, she takes the new job but then doesn't seem to want to do the job at all? I wish they could have shown that she was fostering good relationships with the residents in a different way than Richard had done it, but instead they implied that she went all-in on saving Girlie, and kind of neglected them... so then it made sense that Bailey was in a tiff, but her solution was to tell Meredith to go back to doing things the way Richard did it, and then we didn't actually get to see her doing that... just kind of odd and unbalanced.

Pros:

God, sorry. That's such a long "cons" section and I hate that! I didn't have a bad time with this episode; it was filled with plenty of material and moments I genuinely enjoyed.

Even though the Maggie and Winston fake-out wedding was really odd, I did think it was funny when little Bailey asks about cake and Maggie says go for it and then starts chugging Champaign. I like happy Maggie, and I like that she did get to have this really fun and beautiful wedding with a great guy, with Richard officiating, and her dad to walk her down the aisle. Good vibes all around.

Also super happy that Jo got to have custody of Luna, despite the weird way it all came about. I'm happy for her. She deserves this happiness, and I hope the show can focus on Jo as a mother moving forward, while keeping her around in the show proper. Her selling her shares of the hospital to Koracick was so funny. Awesome to see him (and Jackson!) both briefly make appearances to show that they're still around in the universe of the show.

Meredith's plot line in this finale involves her focusing on long-term COVID complications, and helping a patient, Girlie, get a lung transplant to help save her life. This is breaking ground, helping someone who has recovered from COVID dealing with the long-term issues that come from having had the disease. There were some great moments here, especially the residents all suggesting the lung transplant to Bailey, trying to phrase it in different ways because Meredith had made them promise to never stop bringing it up. I like that Bailey and Meredith butt heads on a lot of things, but the support underneath all of their issues is rock-solid. I also loved that Meredith told Teddy that they had to be Girlie's support system, since Meredith only survived because she had so many people advocating for her. Every patient deserves that.

There were just a lot of good Meredith moments, like seeing her be happy with her kids at Christmas, the text convo with Cristina, that little flirty moment with Hayes that we might get to explore next year... I just love her and think she's neat and deserves the best.

This episode didn't really feel big enough to be a finale. It was a time-skip episode, covering about a year of content, and it had just a lot going on, and a lot of it was stuff I straight-up did not enjoy seeing. But none of that means I'm not interested in what next season will bring us...

6/10