#simply doesnt feel complete without it truly

[devotedsweetheart]

heey i have a request, can you do a ff with caleb and mc in highschool? with just like the basketball player caleb and the pretty mc. in ao3 theres no ff abt this 😭

pd: I LOVEEEEE YOUR POSTS!!!

of course my dear anon!!! this was so fun to write, i hope this is what you had in mind :'). if not, just lmk and i'll start on writing another one;))) enjoyyy!

he had a soft spot for you. always.

regardless of how much he teased you, pushed your buttons, or made you look a fool; there would be moments of unbroken eye contact that stayed lingering, hinting at something deeper.

caleb was popular. everyone knew his name. heck, everyone knew him, he was friends with basically the whole school. except you. he does actually know of your existence though, he just refuses to acknowledge it, only when he's picking at you does he truly. you guys have known each other for your whole entire lives. going to the same exact schools together every single year without fail... it was almost like he was following you.

he promises you he dislikes you with a passion. that he couldn't stand being in the same room with you for longer than an hour, that he would do anything to get away from you; and you feel the same. he's absolutely and utterly agitating, being in his mere presence pisses you off. he makes it his life goal to make your existence as a whole miserable, doing things such as purposefully tripping you in the hallways to make his friends laugh, or kicking the back of your chair in the middle of an exam, knowing how distracted it makes you. if you even dared to do so little as turning around and shooting him a glare, he'd just grin and do it harder, more often.

little did you know, he survives off the looks you give him. it's what keeps him going.

and so, when you decide one day that you're going to ignore him for the rest of the week, he goes insane.

literally.

on day one, monday, he didnt think much of it. maybe just assuming you didnt get much sleep, or perhaps you're going through a friendship breakup, something small like that. when you dont react to his little acts of crudeness toward you he still thinks nothing of it. he just assumes you think you'll make him stop if you ignore it.

by day two, tuesday, he's still not too concerned by your silence. he's still just convinced you're ignoring him out of annoyance (...which isn't a lie), and therefore it doesnt bother him too much.

wednesday, he's confused. he has started to attempt to annoy you more than he usually would, taking it upon himself to take your same route to your classes... even if it meant he'd be tardy for his own. he wanted a reaction out of you, almost needed it. he thought about it when he woke up, staying in the back of his mind throughout the day. during the classes you had together, he'd sneak small glances at you to make sure you looked okay.

thursday, though, he'd been thinking about it all day long. it was now stuck in the front of his mind, plaguing it completely. he didnt realize how much he missed having the small banters each day with you, how easy it was to rile you up. how much he craved it. even during his after school practice, his performance was borderline terrible. it wasn't like him at all and his friends began to notice. he's usually awfully good at basketball, one of the best on the team (if not the best) and for him to be slacking this bad?? diabolical. he was making it difficult for not only him but the people surrounding him. when asked what was going on, he'd simply shrug it off and ask to go take a drink of water, trying to shrug off the thought of you as easy he did with his terrible execution of basketball.

on day five, friday, he'd actually gone insane. he couldnt focus at all during class, constantly looking over at you to try and get you to look at him. he'd been throwing himself in your paths the whole entire day, putting in an obnoxious amount of effort just to make eye contact with you; even if it was for a second.

it was so bad to the point that he went up to you at the end of the day before you got onto your bus, asking to talk.

he persisted and persisted, not caring how many times you said no.

he was ecstatic when you finally agreed.

pulling you by your limb to the end of a sidewalk where only few roamed, he let go of your forearm and turned to face you. it was awkward for a few seconds, the two of you never having a real conversation outside of bickers.

he cleared his throat.

"are you... okay?" he asks, eyes flicking to yours to see if you'd give away how you felt at his question before you verbally answered. your eyebrows raised before scrunching up again, a look of confusion written all over your face.

"um.. yes? why would you ask me that?" you answered, oblivious to just how much he cared. he looks away to a spot above your shoulder, embarrassed to stare directly into your piercing gaze.

"i don't know. you've just been, like, nonverbal.. in a way," he says, looking back into your eyes before looking down again. "it's like i pushed you too far. i don't ever mean what i say, i don't ever mean to actually hurt you."

at that, you break out into laughter, and it grabs his attention.

"you 'don't mean to hurt me?'" you point out in between cackles, adding quotation marks around the words. "what kind of joke are you trying to pull? do you understand how annoying it is to have to deal with all your bullshit all the time, caleb?"

he winces at your words, the sly grin you have plastered on your face only making it worse for him. he wishes terribly he had the balls to tell you how he feels, but not only is he scared of the feeling itself, but he's terrified of how you might react.

"i know. i know, and i apologize." he whispers.

"you apologize?"

"i apologize."

you cross your arms over your chest, one eyebrow raised as you lean into your hip. "apologize for what?"

he simply looks at you, too embarrassed to formerly say a sincere apology. instead of saying anything, he flicks his eyes between yours and sighs. "for taking you over here to talk. i just wanted to figure out what was going on and why you weren't talking to me."

you look at him with a dull shock on your features, eyes going a hint wider than they normally sit.

"i, um, didn't know you cared. you make it seem like i annoy you sooo bad so i just stopped interacting with you." you confess, hoping to actually get to him instead of getting made fun of.

his expression is almost unreadable, eyebrows drawn tight and eyes blinking rapidly. his lips are pulled into a straight line and you can tell he's having a difficult time trying to maintain eye contact.

"i.." a beat of silence, tongue flicking out to lick his lips. "i'm sorry. i'm a dick, and i know i am. if i tell you something, will you promise to not make fun of me?" he questions, swallowing thickly.

you blink up at him. "sure, go ahead." you hesitantly say, fixing yourself to stand up a smidge straighter.

he clears his throat for what feels like the thousandth time, taking a gulp of air before saying everything he's feeling in one breath.

"i've realized over this past week that you're something i look forward to when i wake up. someone i think about when i'm writing an essay, playing at a game, or even listening to music. i'm sorry for picking on you so much and i'm sorry for being a complete asshole to you. you've always been someone i've taken interest in and the only way i found that gets your attention the most is being rude to you. i know it's messed up, but i can't help it. i'm sorry."

theres a long pause of unspoken words and tension hanging between the two of you, gazes locked while your mouth hangs open; trying and failing to say something. after a moment, all you can manage is a small "wow." his face is a deep shade of red, showing just how embarrassed he is without having to say it.

"can you please say something else so this isnt so awkward." he murmurs, desperation and discomfort clearly etched into his face.

you only giggle breathily and look him deep in his eyes.

"me too, caleb. i feel the same way."

thats when he holds his breath, leaning in quickly to kiss you- not giving you time to pull away.

[birdricks]

the really interesting thing about mortys fear of relying on rick is that it really does go both ways. like as much as hes afraid of needing rick... rick needs him just as much, if not more. and i think this ties into mortys fear of having to be responsible for ricks sadness.

there are SO many times where morty threatens to leave rick... just as rick constantly reminds morty that he can be replaced.

the difference is that morty COULD leave rick behind if he really wanted to. and he could probably be okay without him. but hell always come back to rick... because thats how hes meant to be. a mortys defining trait is how he will always put rick and his emotions first.

we can see this in evil morty and how he was able to escape the cycle simply by no longer caring about ricks feelings. what makes him different isnt being evil... its simply no longer prioritising the feelings of rick over his own.

like how many times do we see morty choosing to stay with rick despite everything rick puts him through? and i think this is partly where his forgiveness comes from. of course he does truly love rick and that plays into it, but hes also terrified of what might happen without him there to fall back on.

any time rick feels he might lose morty he spirals and lashes out in some weird manipulative way to keep morty reliant on him (which is ironically the very thing morty fears most).

and whenever he DOES lose morty for any amount of time he turns into a complete wreck. probably part of the fear of his own reliance on rick comes from knowing its largely manufactured by rick and not fully his own choice.

even WITH morty there to support him rick is incredibly prone to suicidal ideation and self destructive tendencies. its not hard to work out what would happen if morty was no longer around to cater to his emotions.

so he stays. of course its awful for him. but he does it. hes willing to sacrifice himself and his own emotions to save rick over and over again. because he knows what will happen if he doesnt.

[mayomio]

under the weather | i. under the weather

I simply didn’t want to get up. Now I know it sounded really childish and highly irresponsible of a third year in college but I clearly decided to put those thoughts behind me and not care! Whether Heizou or Lumine tried to pull me out of bed or spray me wet with water I wasn’t getting up. 

“(name) for the love of god it’s 9” Heizou was really starting to sound annoyed and honestly pretty defeated, sighing for what seemed like the millionth time today and it was barely morning. “It’s time to get up please, I promise you there won’t be no black haired, green palette with an annoyingly weird companion there!” Lumine reassured me and quite frankly reminded me once again why I didn’t want to get up in the first place.

“It's not about him Lumi” I grumbled at the mention of the guy who I had been avoiding for the past months, and she was absolutely right. I didn’t want to see Kinich, yes I was completely fine just yesterday when I had promised I would get up at 7 and have breakfast with them at the cafe near our campus, and yes I was fine when I swore I was over Kinich a week prior but like they say, things can change in the blink of an eye. And truly that was what happened, I didn’t want to think about being even an inch near him or even in the same room as him quite literally breathing the same air. 

“Xio is already on her way so you can get up right now and look for a cute outfit yourself..” Heizou started his sentence with Lumine finishing it right after “..Or get dragged out of bed and have a possibly horrible looking outfit all day chosen by yours truly: Xio!”  

“WHAT?!” I sat up without even meaning to, surprised that Xio was coming rather than letting me be, and to be fully honest she really scared me when she was angry. “She’ll be here any minute dear (name)” Lumine teased with a sly smirk on her face knowing I was really out of time and had to either choose being possibly brutally dragged out of bed any second now or get up on my own and change, obviously i chose the latter. 

“Honestly, I can just go tomorrow, the student hall is going to be packed today and I’m really not trying to be pushed around by freshmen looking for their classes and schedules.” For one I was telling the truth, it really was a pain in my ass last year’s first day. “Or you just don't want to see-” Heizou spoke up and I immediately threw my shirt at him knowing what exactly he was going to say while Lumine looked at him not amused “You know I’m right Lumine!” he swore under his breath plopping down on my bed faking his ‘anger’.

“Even so (name), you still have to go, we’ll be there with you too so you don’t have to worry about anything” Lumine tried to comfort me once again.

“We’re all majoring in completely different things, med doesnt have anything to do with communications or criminology.. All i take is science related courses” 

“Okay maybe not communications but maybe you'll see Heizou!” She tried to put an argument against my statement but clearly even Heizou knew the chances of having a course together were really slim. 

Rather than keeping the conversation going I chose my outfit and changed leaving Heizou and Lumine arguing about god knows what while I prepared my breakfast. Although having breakfast normally made me feel sick in the morning, I didn't want to spend a whole day on boring lectures starving. But don’t get me wrong it wasnt that I would starve myself, I just didn't have quite the appetite waking up until afternoon rolled around. 

While I had been lost in my train of thought Xio had entered my dorm and was currently standing in the hallway looking directly at me with a frown. “You can possibly fool Lumine and Heizou but never me (name).” The blonde crossed her arms disapprovingly.

“I’m up and dressed and currently having breakfast. What is so wrong with me Xio” I sigh, sitting down on the chair in front of the counter placed in the middle of the kitchen. “It's not just about Kinich, if anything, you would do anything to see him again, you're just afraid of seeing her.” I let her words pierce through me and visibly tensed not being able to put the spoon right to my mouth. 

“What makes you say that?” I tried to play it off smiling fakely at her, forcing myself to eat a spoonful of the now soggy cereal. “The way you reacted to what I said, you just further proved my point (name).” She walked towards the counter and leaned against it, placing her feline looking eyes directly on mine. 

“You know I don’t do eye contact Xio” I said as I instantly looked away admitting defeat, “you're right” 

Xio knew me, and not like a regular friend, she knew me in every way, inside and out and I knew I could never lie to her.  “I don’t want to see her, I mean it's the picture of her holding his arm and clinging onto him that's been stuck on my mind. No lo puedo hacer Xio, I’m not ready yet.” I crossed my arms not wanting to even eat anymore “(name), I know it's difficult, and you're not ready to see that but you can’t spend your whole life stuck in this dorm because you don't want to see a man and his new girlfriend.” and there it was, the word that stung, ‘girlfriend’, in other words Kinich’s new girlfriend. A title you no longer owned because he had decided to break up with you during spring for some bullshit excuse. 

“And don’t tell me ‘I know that’ because you clearly don't (name), there's a certain point to which you have to get up and realize that if he did that to you he was never worth it.” And as much as Xilonens words really stung I knew she was right, Kinich was genuine but he had changed and I had to accept that. With one final sigh I got up and placed my plate in the sink “and you're right once again Xio! Ten billion points for you!” I spoke up trying to lighten the mood.

“I know you did NOT just quote Senku from Dr.Stone..” Xio smiled, placing her hand on her forehead “What can I say i’m a woman of culture” I chuckled at her reaction and in that moment she knew I’ll be okay, and I really hoped I would be. 

At that moment Heizou and Lumine came out of my room panicked “I’m glad you both had that talk and everything but we have to go” Heizou spoke almost too fast for me to comprehend “Like right now!!” 

“Did we really spend that long talking?” I glanced at the clock that marked 9:50 AM “What do you think?” Lumine blurred out. “Let's get going then” Xio got up and started walking towards the door grabbing her coat on the way, “I can’t believe it's finally our third year, this is exhilarating!” 

“(name) I swear if you don't stop quoting him I’m not getting you shit from the cafe” Xilonen grumbled. 

NOTES I finally got to start my smau properly :3 im so so excited to post all my upcoming chapters and I really hope everyone loves them, thank you sm for all the patience while I was on my hiatus.

TRANSLATIONS “No lo puedo hacer” > “I can’t do it.”

TAGLIST @keiiqq, @liyahbug, @wraithisd3adinside, @anqelkoz, @inelinastyle, @liimcrencx, @jiminscarmex, @mplesyrup, @animelover100, @fandomfan-102, @yuyawanz , @hydration-is-for-weenies , @ashyiiy, @melancholiaav

[rahuratna]

HI!! I love your reasons on why Nanami speaks to you on a personal level sm!! It’s so interesting because you pointed out a different perspective I’ve never thought about before. The reason why I started liking Nanami was because of his journey of finding a sense of purpose. If I were to drop myself into the JJK verse and had the option to convince Nanami to stay as a sorcerer instead of a salaryman, I wouldn’t. Because then he wouldn’t have known if being a salaryman and, like you mentioned in some of your fics, having a simple and more ordinary lifestyle made him more fulfilled.

Then your insights on identity comes to play: no matter what you choose to do with life, it doesn’t completely define you because we also have to consider the emotions and experiences that make us human. What we never got to see was what Nanami did in his free time and, excluding the value/service he provided for others and the short clips from “Where our blue is”, what memories and experiences that made him happy and loved. That’s also why reading your works is so good and comforting 😭 😭

You also talked about lack of self-preservation which I think makes a lot of sense given the pressures Jujutsu society. For Nanami, I think he feels like there’s barely a choice in what he can do. Both being a salaryman and a jujutsu sorcerer means being “exploited” by the higher ups. As a salaryman, he was “making the rich richer,” and as a sorcerer, he and his peers were being sent out to risk their lives to kill curses instead of the powerful elders doing it themselves (particularly with his best friend’s death). The higher ups in society do not care or value his life because there will always be more sorcerers and salarymen to replace him in terms of the job. THATS WHY I LOVED WHEN YOU POINTED OUT THAT YOUR JOB DOESNT DEFINE YOUR IDENTITY AIDHNSJDNBDKS. I think that’s what might have influenced Nanami to have a lack of self-preservation like you said. Yes because being a sorcerer requires it, but also because the only semblance of meaning that society could provide him was providing value to the innocent and weak which ultimately costed his life.

IT MAKES ME SO SAD BECAUSE HE DESERVES THE MOST AND HES SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT *sob sob*… tysm for all the character analysis you do, it makes me so happy talking about it :) Please add on if you have any more thoughts 🫶 🫶

Firstly, this is what I love about writing fanfic. These conversations with fellow fans who appreciate the same things about the series and characters is just golden to me 💛💛. I'm so, so flattered and glad that my interpretation of Nanami provides these different perspectives and I love hearing your ideas on it too!

So, I really liked Nanami's character to begin with, but there was one particular scene, where he wipes away the tear of the transfigured human, that really made me sit up and take note.

When the show got into his background, I immediately picked up on how much he values others over himself. It ties in with what you said about how there could possibly have been a happier reality for him if he'd simply chosen the path of a 'normal' life. Maybe he could have eventually retired and lived that peaceful existence.

And this is where he truly becomes a tragic figure for me. I feel like the world he lived in would never have allowed that peace. His compassion, desire to protect and serve others and his strong beliefs always shine through. Jujutsu society favours the ruthless, the predators, the ones who can detach and operate without thinking too hard about the cost, like Mei Mei, for example.

Nanami is not an apex predator. He's very strong, but a foot soldier, and one who fully acknowledges his own weaknesses. While his compassion and heart make him a sterling human being, they don't grant him safety, or survival.

To reiterate what I said in my previous post, he does define himself by how well he can serve others. Which is his job.

You also pointed out something really important, which was that Nanami's search for purpose makes him so interesting. I think that the trauma he suffered from the death of his friend, along with possibly the survivor's guilt, is what actually led to him under-valuing himself like this, and also prioritizing the younger sorcerers. He thought so hard about his own purpose, but was also so blind to his own value as a human being, with qualities that made him so much more than JUST a salaryman, or JUST a sorcerer.

Yaga said something to Yuuji which always stuck with me; that in their world, being a sorcerer requires a certain level of insanity, an ability to detach yourself so that you can face the horror of the curses with reckless bravery.

Nanami had his own brand of insanity, one that allowed him to actually remain attached to the value of peoples' lives, to express kindness and compassion, and STILL go out there and face the dangers of his job with a straight back and steady heart. It wore him down terribly, but his powerful belief in his own principles allowed him to do his job, day after day.

That unique madness was what tore away any sense of self-preservation and self-value he had, but also served as one of the strongest inspirations to those who he left behind. Their value of him, their grief and their loss, speaks volumes about the man he was.

I love writing those same aspects you mentioned, the little things that give him happiness and pleasure, the healing and understanding of his own importance, the simplicity of his needs being met.

Cheers to plenty more fanfic! And always feel free to drop me your thoughts, even if you had a random 1 am musing! I love hearing them!

[xamaxenta]

Ohhh the off-white straw color is so good 👀 Especially if it's long and wavy and frames his face to make him look even more like a vengeful ghost. Also the eye patch being a dark or bold color over the scar so it stands out and draws even more attention to the ruined eye that lurks beneath.

Now I'm picturing Sabo perfecting a glamour spell that gives his hair a rich golden appearance and his skin a healthy, tanned glow. He doesn't have need to use it often but when he does he always makes sure his irises take on a striking vivid hue that draws in all nearby attention, attracting admirers like gold coin would street beggars. Ace thinks it's egotistical (And it is! In part!) of him but Sabo can't help but try and obtain praise and desire from those that would look upon his scarred face in scorn. It gets him off to know he's deceiving the masses to such a degree.

Iohhhh soft fluffy white gold clouds of hair that only serve to elevate how ethereal and inhuman he is to normal humans (despite only having base borne noble? blood himself)

Maybe its the magic that whets his appearance into something vulpine and ghostly, like a beautiful untouchable spirit only to turn and showcase the deep crater left in the side of his wounded face

The eye patch being a deep dark ornamental piece is so thrilling, witness me it speaks through gold and midnight velvet, a stark contrast against his colourlessness

And Sabo perfecting a glamour that was based off of Ace… deep golden hour curls, burnished bronze tips smoothing into something warm and buttery that extends to his sunkissed skin and hes achingly gorgeous in a completely different way whilst wearing this skin, youre absolutely right hes striking and the center of attention blinding in contrast to the common folk they adore him sun prince they wouldnt ever know

Ace doesnt like it, what if they found you, your highness? What if someone knew it was you? You have much to be envied for

Sabo merely laughs because they wouldnt dare, and they both know this because Sabo is simply too powerful to take on alone, but he pretends its because he has his faithful dog, his knight shadowing his side (Would Ace feel as if he were walking a path of no ending sight? When his prince is truly so untouchable) no hes enchanted to be designated to him and be owned by him

The collar is always buckled snugly around his throat without fail every morning, its just a small gesture of how much he feels for him

[blacknidstang]

Once in a while i go back to rewatch some early episodes and Roadkill always ALWAYS makes me cry a little. It's a whole little bittersweet short horror film. Beautiful writing, the way it's tied to the themes of loss and grief like the entirety of the season that perfectly connects the boys dealing with John's death to ahbl and Dean's deal.

And beside all the wonderful writing and structure of the episode, it's one of those times the samdean parallels between married couple hits on a whole different level bc it doesnt feel like a little uncomfortable gay incest joke. The way the woman, Molly, desperately says "do you know what was the last thing i told him?? I called him a jerk!! What if that's the last thing i'll ever tell him" and truly such peculiar choice of word. I don't think it's any accident and i don't think it's any joke either. It's terribly painful because in retrospect it's a setup for Sam & Dean facing the prospect of losing each other. And on the other hand i'd dare to say a bit about how Sam's final moments with John went on as they argued. This makes it all the more poignant that Sam tells Molly "what are you gonna say to him? That you love him? That you're sorry? Molly he already knows that" well Sam who are you talking about right now.

But beside Molly and David, one thing that i think on some level connects to Sam & Dean are actually Greely & his wife. When Sam & Molly look at Greely's life and recognize how loving he was once, Sam clearly sees himself in the monster that the vengeful ghost has become, talking about how something he could not control happened to him. Yeah, not so subtle with comparatives. But that's not all, the one peculiar detail for me was always Greely's wife hanging herself after his death. "She couldn't live without him." It's peculiar in a way that it's completely and utterly irrelevant to the plot of the story, the wife could've simply died of old age. It just didn't matter. But it had to be there. It had to be there because there's one part of a duo who becomes a monster and the other lover who cannot live without him. We see all of these throughout the season. It's repeated motif of lovers and loss. And then the seasons hits us with ahbl, with Sam's death and the sort of anguish and desperation we see ing Dean that is not even comparable to every mourning lover coming before him. I'm not saying Greely and his wife are an exact direct samdean parallel in this episode specifically but i think all of these were put into season 2 to prepare us for when we see Dean not being able to live without Sam.

[daisies-on-a-cup]

ive been trying to think through this in my head but i think i just need to write it out, but ive been thinking about hannibal and his concept of change and/or forgiveness. i dont think he really believes that change or forgiveness is a thing that can happen. and i know the big thing in s2 and s3 was all about will and hannibal forgiving each other for their transgressions against one another, but i cant really remember an instance where hannibal forgave someone that wasn't will. when hannibal eats the rude, i dont think its meant to be as an act of forgiveness. he's not forgiving the pig he slaughtered for tracking mud in his mind palace, he's simply getting rid of them/punishing them for their perceived slight against him. it's more complex than just him punishing them or him perceiving people as comparable to livestock, but, ultimately, he is ending their lives because he cannot forgive what they did to him

i see a lot of cool metas about how hannibal's cannibalism is an act of dominance as well as self preservation, an "eat them before they can eat you" mentality, and though i agree with some points, i dont exactly agree with others. i dont think hannibal ever really feels threatened by the people he eats and kills. hes not doing it out of some instinct to lessen threats in his territory and make himself feel safer by removing their presence. he eats/kills the rude and those he finds unpleasant because they are a nuisance in his otherwise perfectly comfortable life. i would compare it to swatting a fly or mosquito- they aren't a real, dangerous threat, but they are annoying and anytime you see one near you, your first reaction is to swat at it to try and kill it so it doesnt bother you anymore. again, not the best metaphor for how hannibal engages with people and those he decides to eat/kill, but i think it's somewhat comparable

which brings me back to hannibal's idea of what change and forgiveness mean to him. i think, because of his early trauma and exposure to cannibalism, hannibal has a hard time reconciling permanent change in others that is not brought on by a permanent figure conducting that change- consistently. his whole "nothing happened to me, i happened" line implies his perception of change being something that doesn't happen- not even to him

in order to forgive someone, change is needed- be it from yourself or the other person. i dont think hannibal believes change is capable of anyone he decides to eat/kill. a part of him believes that without complete influence, his victims or those who have slighted him are incapable of changing themselves for hannibal to forgive. you wouldnt approach a mosquito for biting you and assume they are capable of change- it is what they are, they bite and they buzz and they annoy you- much like how, to hannibal, some people are just irrecoverably rude and unpleasant to interact with, and that is just who they are and they cant change their nature. and, i think, for hannibal, if something cannot be changed, it cannot be forgiven because humans are meant to change, and if they can't, then they are not on the same level as he is. you can only truly forgive something you perceive as capable of forgiving, and i believe hannibal thinks so highly of himself and those he has deemed worthy (like will), that everyone else is just incapable of not being the banal creatures that they are, so it's no matter to kill them and eat them

even though there is care and preparation in everything hannibal does and consumes, there is no love. the last person he loved, he also ate, and that destroyed him. he was changed forever by that act, by the traumas he experienced, and the ptsd/memories he has so carefully stowed in his mind palace are the permanent figures that consistently force him to change and evolve into the being he presents himself as throughout s1-s3. the metamorphosis that hannibal went through was brought on by something catastrophic and timeless, and he had become something unrecognizable to everyone else. his desire for connection grew so strong that just an inkling of understanding from another was enough to force him to change again and become that permanent figure that would enact the permanent change in will. his transformation of will, and will's own evolution into his becoming, made will into a being he could forgive. hannibal saw the cracks in will's mask and forced a change, and that change cultivated into an ability to forgive, and i believe the last person he was ever able to really forgive was the first person he ever ate. mischa was also the last person hannibal really loved, and i think this act of seeing will change and forgiving him, and being forgiven in return, also opened hannibal up to the possibility of love again. will is the only person hannibal has ever put true effort, time, and trust into to change, forgive, and love. everyone else is just simple fodder to him. he can enjoy his time with them, surrounded by beautiful, artful things, but the second someone interrupts his placid world, then that is when change and forgiveness cease to exist again

[meat-pvppet]

Hiii hey helloooo really happy i found you! Im in love with your art, its so good! I wanted to learn about your ocs through that one post. Would love to get an answer for every single one, but to spare your time and fingers: alone, desire, future

I love Chasm and Tara so much you have no idea

YESSSS I GET TO TALK ABOUT MY GOOBERS HI HELLO ANON I LOVE YOU /plat

ok for this ill do both chasm and tara cuz theyre my little gabagoos and yes yes yes

ask game

CHASM

alone: How does your OC deal with loneliness? Have they ever been completely alone before? How do they act when there's no one around to see them?

Chasms alone most of the time so he's gotten kinda used to it, but he still has bouts of time where it gets to him, yknow?

Of course, hes never been truly truly alone cuz of Bridge, but generally speaking he gets really introspective about himself and how he interacts with others

how he wishes he could be more outgoing and expressive

hes tried that before though and its simply too draining to him

and it doesnt feel real cuz hes just acting and he knows it

so what would be the point?

he tries to distract himself as much as he can when he starts spiraling like this by doing maintenance on his guns, ship, sparrow, himself

read a little

do some organizing

anything to get him out of his own head

desire: What's one thing your OC wants more than anything in the world? Are they open with that desire? Why or why not? What would they do to fulfill it?

peace

whether that be peace in his own mind or across sol

he just wants all the fighting to stop

for the conflict to end

hes not even sure if he'll make it out of the next world-ending scenario that hes gonna get thrust into

or if his daughter will survive

he doesnt really talk about how he yearns for a day where a threat isnt looming over his shoulder every second of his existence

a day where he can freely relax with his daughter without wondering whether or not he'll get to see her again

or who will take care of her when hes gone

is that cuz he wants to keep up appearances? no

its cuz he knows everyone probably wants that too

no need to state the obvious

to fulfill it, to him, theres not much he can do than continue on as he is

continue on as a war machine

fight for his and all of humanity's peace

future: What's the worst possible future for your OC? Are they taking steps to avoid that outcome? Are they even aware it's a possibility?

i think itd be either he dies, leaving tara alone to fend for herself

or she dies

one he can try to avoid but he can never guarantee

the other is unfortunately inevitable

teehee mortal daughter immortal father moment

TARA

alone: How does your OC deal with loneliness? Have they ever been completely alone before? How do they act when there's no one around to see them?

tara isnt usually alone since she'll be online talking with friends or (on the rare occasion) out n about with them or playing gigs

when she is alone she ends up alot like chasm a little

quiet and stone faced

she gets pretty lonely whenever shes not around other people, but sometimes she just doesnt wanna be around other people at the same time

so she'll rot in bed for a while

or play guitar

or do whatever to entertain herself

she kinda suffers from chronic loneliness much like her dad so yeag

desire: What's one thing your OC wants more than anything in the world? Are they open with that desire? Why or why not? What would they do to fulfill it?

same with chasm id think

she could wish and pray and hope for this but theres not much she can do about it

other than spread peace and love through her music of course but she wishes she could be more proactive about it

like her dad

future: What's the worst possible future for your OC? Are they taking steps to avoid that outcome? Are they even aware it's a possibility?

probably also losing chasm tbh

she already had the wake up call that chasm isnt actually immortal fully from the red war and him losing his light

so she knows he can die

and by the nature of being a guardian, he could die

and it would be a very violent death

[twinkle-art]

im curious since Andromeda has terminal haunted by mom thoughts behavior and a weirdoes connection to Emet selch, what's her thoughts/relationship to hydaelyn/venat? cuz she kind of comes out the gate swinging and just straight up calls the player character her child in early visions. I suppose its equally likely hydaelyn was just too vague for a while for her to have very concrete feelings about it, and perhaps a more traditionally maternal style doesnt resonate enough to be very affecting, but im curious as to how she felt about All That

ohhhh this question is so fun i’m so tickled to know you’ve been paying attention like that 

so the short version is a little of column A, a little of column B– the truly overwhelming aura of maternal love that hydaelyn exudes unsurprisingly hit her like a goddamn truck, but perhaps not how you might expect. 

circa. ARR, when she was first given the title of Hydaelyn’s Little Superstar, she was very lost in the sauce of an uncomplicated Narrative of Heroism. as she does not come from a place where hydaelyn is even recognized as god, she was mostly caught up in the excitement of being chosen by a divine entity that she wasn’t even fully convinced was real, like, a week earlier. like, i think she would’ve thought of being referred to as Her child as something closer to set dressing, the sort of thing an all-powerful goddess is supposed to say, rather than something hydaelyn genuinely means and feels, let alone something she can actually internalize.

(a brief aside, thinking about this made me suddenly realize that in the absence of hydaelyn as an uncontested presence in the god-rejecting society she grew up in, the closest cultural equivalent would then be……. solus zos galvus. i will be unpacking the profoundly deranged implications of this parallel another time.)

however, you’re completely correct to hone in on the fact that hydaelyn’s maternal love being, like, what maternal love is actually supposed to be would throw andromeda, who’s never really had that modeled for her, for a loop. the slow, dawning realization that that’s how it’s supposed to feel would creep up slowly, without fanfare, only really crescendoing during endwalker

her time with venat was odd for her, in that it left her feeling deeply, deeply sad for reasons she struggled to articulate. perhaps this is a very revealing comparison to make, but i can really only liken it to the feeling of observing a closely-knit and happy family that you aren’t a part of and feeling an odd sense of loss that you didn’t get to have what they do. as a person, rather than a distant, inhuman entity, it was suddenly undeniable how genuine venat’s unfathomably deep love for the world, and her by extension, was, and i think it would probably make her heart ache to know that such a thing could exist, or that maternal love could come without the baggage she knows it to, and that she had had such a thing all along and not known it until right before she had to let it go

because everything is a part of my grand scheme (<- lie) i do love how this ties in very nicely with her relationships to both her real mom (lucretia) and her fake evil not-mom (emet), in that going into endwalker’s climax where she needs to finally see herself for who she truly is rather than simply The Hero, a huge part of her growing up is also seeing her parent as a full person with interiority as well. stripping the veneer of straightforwardness from how she understands and interacts with all three of these characters at more or less concurrent points in her arc simply feels right <3

[meatriarchived2]

thinking about the differences in how maria reacts in ch2 era cc & nosy, respectively, to the friends returning twenty years after the house.

cc maria, she's more hesitantly receptive to them to a point. depends on what they do, if they still try going after the family like they originally planned or not, if they try getting her to run off back home. because by that point she's so tethered to johnny who has been her literal only real pillar in the last two decades, and the familiar-but-grown faces of her old friends and sister are at that point basically strangers to her. twenty years is such a long time for people to change and for all she knows, they arent the same people who was close to back then and she knows she isnt the same girl they knew all that time ago, either. but i say she's hesitantly receptive because truly, think she keeps away from them as much as she can until she gets some sort of cue from johnny whether or not he feels its safe to engage really.

nosy maria would have had the same outlook had it not been for that reuniting with donnie about midway into those two decades & the friends never seemingly bothering to look for lee. that entire scenario shuts her off almost completely to nearly any sort of hesitance by the time ch2 rolls in. the hardest ones still are with ana and danny, thats her little sister - of course its going to be difficult and complicated even then. and danny was her longest friend of the group, its equally as difficult facing him, too. but them all coming back around makes her think that donnie likely said something, at some point, and the fact that he does show up again... but, she's angry. at all of them. because them coming back twenty years down the line means that they - to her - just simply never bothered to try coming back at any time in those two decades when they easily could have. they want to show up now instead, midlife-crisis? guilt eating away at them for leaving her and lee to rot back there without even trying to come back? without trying to get officials to come out to look for him at least?

maria just doesnt understand why. why bother coming back at all, now?

in twenty years, her & lee made a new life for themselves among the family, with johnny, moved past their old lives for the most part. why bother coming back all this time later for no other reason but personal revenge, considering they all believed they were just dead to have buried empty caskets for them both? to maria, its just: you all had your "closure", as fake and selfish as it was, it was understandable to a degree, i get it. but then why pretend like you give a shit now when you didnt back then. when you havent all this time. when i doubt we were at the forefront of your minds all these years - because you werent for mine / ours. we moved on. why couldnt you?

and i think like with maria's reunion with donnie -- altho probably not with ana & danny -- but similar to that reply, i think maria develops that hazy-face when looking at them all. makes it easier to disconnect further from their familiarity, makes it easier view them as any other target, any other potential victim.and i think, if shes alone when any of them stumble onto her, she slips into toying with them - plays role of captive all over again, disarms them. lets them get comfortable with her, lets them spill who all tagged along with them, what they planned to do coming back, where they left their cars, etc. depends how it all goes down truly.

[scalamore]

[Psychoanalysis Pt 4 ((MAJOR SPOILERS))]- S3: Lari thinks her relationship with Rupert is toxic

I feel so bad for lari during the secrets/truth arcs.

She didn’t mean to hurt him, but wow she really did. She was already an emotional mess from learning the truth of TL1, and to find out that Rupert loves her romantically as a person? That was literally the final straw for her, and she completely broke down :( She doesn’t admit it, but she cares for Rupert A LOT. She doesnt want to see him hurt, especially not by her. The guilt that she tries to not think about, the belief that she’s been emotionally manipulating him to form an attachment to her so he won’t hurt her our House Belois? It really built up, exploded, and manifested itself during this arc. She completely believes that the love Rupert has for her, is an unhealthy one where he only likes her because she was nice to him - of course as a lonely person who never experienced warm and kindness, would latch on, cling, and depend on the one person who did. She believes all his kindness, concern, and affection he had for her was formed from lies, and she felt soooo bad for using him in this way (his promise to protect her/House Belois), when House Belois was plotting treason against him this whole time. She, unaware, tried her best to convince him they weren’t that they were minding their own business, yet they did all this without her knowing. That was the ultimate betrayal on multiple fronts. Also, she understood the type of person Rupert was. He’s very straightforward and honest, and his feelings are real. He truly does treasure her, but that’s what hurts her - she “doesn’t treasure him” as much as he does for her, and she CAN’T because of her experience in TL1. . The worse thing she can do to him, after knowing how he truly feels about her, is to continue to “pretend” that she likes him. She can’t do that to him - she can’t play with his feelings like that. She was able to evade the topic when she thought he simply treasured her as his ally/attendant, but it’s completely different if it’s romantic feelings. Again, he grew up without love, was lonely, and she made it worse 100x, by “pretending” to like and care for him, by “using him” for her own purposes, and now “throwing him away.” Because to her, at this moment, she can only see “TL1 Emperor Rupert” in front of her. Seeing him in his Emperor regalia, as an adult, with the same appearance in TL1, really triggered those memories for her.

Unable to deal with the fact that he loves [her], she straightforwardly told him that she didn’t want his love, his affection, and she never wanted to see him again. She wanted to tell him clearly, break whatever relationship/connection they had, and go their separate ways. He is no longer her master, and she is no longer his attendant. They are not friends, they are not lovers. He’s Emperor Rupert. She’s Lari, a noblewoman without a title. Because if she didn’t do this and break their bond, the guilt of ‘deceiving him’ would consume her and she would want to die because she can’t deal with knowing she’s hurting and tricking him all the time. :(

Lari only intended to break it off cruelly so Rupert would despise and resent her for “using him and throwing him away”, move on and forget about her, and find someone else who loves him as much as he loves them, but well, she completely underestimated Rupert’s feelings for her :)

[glacierberries]

What do you dislike or find irritating about Bellamort and Tomarry (or Tomarrymort)? From the ships themselves to the shippers.

well for bellamort,

1 i don't find their dynamic as a whole that interesting. theyre just glorified slave x master and like yes, it gives the opportunity for voldemort to realise that he is not above human attachement, and in some twisted form, love, but it's also because of bellatrix putting all the effort into the relationship. i don't like her pure devotion to him, i don't like how worshipful she is towards him, it gives me a MASSIVE ick, like girl stand up 🤢 and yeah she genuinely loves him, but i don't like the way that she is not treated as his equal, and that's because of my personal bias yeah. and thats the POINT i know thats the point of this pairing, i just personally don't really like it.

2 bellatrix as a character. im sure youve seen me say i love bellatrix for how powerful she is and all that but ive only said that so that i can like idk psyche myself into truly liking her as a character. now, i really have no idea why, i just cannot seem to like her. it's not because shes a female villain or anything, it's probably because i don't like her genuine devotion to voldemort, and that is supposed to be the selling point of this pairing. i probably would have liked her more if she was on a more equal footing with voldemort and was around the same age as him. i also don't like how sexualised she is.

as for bellamort fans,

1 i don't like how a lot of them dismiss any other ship with voldemort that's not bellamort. you're not superior for shipping the cult leader with ONLY his follower. it's fucking boring to some people and stop putting down other ships because theyre less plausible. (this is of course, completely different from putting down ships because theyre made of utter fanon and warped characterisations) there are tons of people who can make pairings with voldemort with characters other than bellatrix extremely plausible without making voldemort or the other character ooc, it is just rarer to see.

2 when some of them claim voldemort would never date someone that's not a pureblood, and straight up bash pairings with characters that are not purebloods. like voldemort literally has a complicated relationship with blood purity in canon itself. he clearly doesnt actually believe in blood supremacy when he's actively humiliating purebloods left and right in the inner circle. like why are you simplifying his relationship with blood purity and supremacy ideologies just to put down other ships? like that's just butchering and dumbing down his character imo.

3 also for some reason i feel like many of them are pro jkr?? like correct me if im wrong but some of them give me those vibes, i don't know. like they praise canon so much, and put down any other headcanons it gives me the ick lol.

for tomarry,

1 i don't like tom riddle and harry together because as a somewhat canon timeline girlie i like it when the timeline is the same as it is in canon. i feel like this pairing kind of removes the whimsy of tom riddle as someone in the past. i don't really like bringing harry into his timeline because i believe harry doesn't have a place in that timeline. like tomarry fanfics tend to make tom somewhat of a joke in the process of him falling for harry, and i personally do not find them compatible at all.

2 also i just.. don't get what harry is supposed to be doing in tom's timeline?? like first of all, no way is harry ever going to try and kill tom of his own volition because even when voldemort is standing in front of him as the murderer of not only his parents, but as the murderer (well, instigator of murder ig) of many people harry knows at hogwarts, one of them being his best friend's brother, the other being sirius and dobby, harry still doesn't use the killing curse. so if you really want me to believe that harry is going to try and kill the hot teenaged version of him, i must simply disagree because that is a preposterous set up.

3 if hes just there by accident and tries to survive, i just personally think he'd go unnoticed by tom lol. unless he like finds himself in the chamber of secrets or in tom's way, then he'd just be killed by the basilisk or something i dont know. it's all very uninteresting to me.

for the tomarry fandom,

oh there are lots of things about them that annoy me lmao, like i just think most of them completely butcher tom's character and make him some cringe simp for harry which i find gross. they also make him obsessed with harry for some reason like babes if there was no prophecy, tom would not gaf about him be so for real rn. i think i have another post about this, i'll try and see if i can find it to link in the reblogs.

have a nice day anogie <3

[yzwerdrew]

i am like faced with this battle at the moment and i internally feel wrong about it….

I am taking a new approach on being more graceful and empathetic, more understanding as well!

I started seeing a girl who we used to mess around in 2021; its been a great few months tbh, this is usually the honey moon stage anyways; Ive never had a dull or bad time with her, and shes super dope, and understands me thus far

(Being extremely honest here, i am never pressed for sex or pussy in general… as someone whos gotten alot of it in my life its just not a top tier importance to me the way other men go about it…)

Anyways, its been a solid 15 times we’ve hung out since December and maybe once or twice I tried to take it there (sexually) but she said no shes celibate at the moment which i always respect

(for most of 2024 i was celibate, when i didnt have to be bc pussy was getting thrown to me left n right but i want some sort of emotion connection)

With that being said, i won’t try again from my end to engage in anything more unless she makes that move, just respecting her decision. Of course we kiss and make out but thats about it, doesnt go further than that.

Being celibate for as long as I was with the sex drive I had was hard Ill be first to admit it. This is the first time I am messing with someone in a while it felt like. I don’t really get to this level with many women…

After yesterday, we hung out and again, great time, she slept over and all — I truly enjoy spending time with her. We didn’t engage in anything sexual again and for the first time in my life i feel pussy pressed

Like i never feel this way, i damn near feel like its lame to be pressed over some pussy bro, to me sex, is just a plus in any relationship. Im not judging all this based off sex, sex just happens to me a mutual thing we both partake in but lets not make it the main thing, lets just leave it as an add on. So i am truly never pressed for pussy

But after yesterday, i just felt like damn i hung out with my home girl all day only difference is we get to make out with each other… lol and tbh this girl is not getting put over my home girls yet, its only been 3 months…

BUT IF I WANTED TO HANG WITH A WOMAN AND TREAT HER LIKE GOLD WITHOUT THE SEX I CAN LITERALLY DO THAT WITH MY HOME GIRLS.

It just felt like damn, i treat her completely different from everyone and make her feel special and what not, in my eyes of course being celibate, i was hoping that my different approach would bring up different results!

So basically to the point where, I want to end up cutting this off… As a person who need to be satisfied sexually, I think 15 times hanging out that it would happen once with the person you are seeing… like maybe I do have expectations for sex and its more than just an add on, but i also feel bad basing this on the fact that I am getting no play. (mind you we had sex in 2021, so it isnt like it never happened)

just simply put like this I’m not the average man and if I wanted to hang out with someone that I’m not gonna be sexually active with, I can literally hang out with any of my best girlfriends like there’s a reason why I’m with a girl in certain way at a certain level

ANYWAYS, i feel like a loser because i am cutting it off literally bc no sex. 😅

[dumbbitchfrommars]

im uninspired and feeling like my head is empty, because ive spent a longgg time hibernating in the safety and comfort of my own bedroom.

well a small lie - i did go out to buy groceries today. it seems were all in the same boat. its cold out! no one wants to go outside. but connection and social interaction is what brings us confidence and joy and comfort in the discomfort.

but yet somehow despite that discomfort (my anxiety about returning to the real world) i was completely fine. i was okay. because i think ive finally figured it out. i know how to take care of myself. i know how to make space in the world without feeling ashamed or guilty for it. or im learning. but im so so so much better than i was. a year ago, two years ago... etc.

ive been wondering why i thoughtlessly let myself fall into the trap of nostalgia and request an old friend that i cut off on instagram. hes probably wondering why now? and avoiding it. fair enough. im not going to rescind that decision - its done now. but still i question my logic in that moment. but thats the thing, i wasnt thinking. i was being hopeful. but either way - he doesnt owe me anything, even if we were to become reconnected i wouldnt want to reach out or make any plans together. which again begs the question of why i would even try get into contact again in the first place.

i guess i have just been feeling tired of wondering how everyone from my past is doing, and that things could and would be so chill and relaxed if id never jumped to blocking but actually calmly and slowly distanced myself. which is what i am capable of doing now - after a few years of practice.

but coming back full circle - this friend was not a true friend. my nostalgia is a rose coloured pair of glasses because i remember our friendship and bond and the fun we had and the mischief we got up to. but this person - was not a friend. he was ill intentioned and selfish, and didnt truly care for me. he disrespected me and hurt me time and time again. so no, he is not worth my energy anymore. once upon a time we were soulmates. but i changed. i grew up. we grew apart. it was natural. and for some reason... of all the people from my past i could have done it to... it was him?

to be fair i already did reach out to my ex in march. and then i changed my mind within a week or two. and then he reached out to me... isnt that crazy? the timing? the fact that god had us pass eachother by like doves in the wind or ships in the night... because despite our bond still being there - the memories, the connection, the impact we had on eachother - its not enough. it was never enough. again, i grew up, we grew apart, and it was natural.

so what does this all mean for me? my usual logic is to cut the cord and say goodbye. but my subconscious desire to love, be connected, and honour the relationships that made me the person i am today is becoming stronger and stronger. i can put aside my ego and hurt, because i healed. i let it go. it is in the past. the past stays in the past and all that matters is now. and right now - i am not the kind of person who just deletes a person from her life and calls it a day. people are not disposable. and while i respect that we are completely different people now, and our paths have diverged and we will never replace the connection we once had, it doesn't mean i want to let you go entirely. i remember you. i respect how much of an impact you had in creating the person i am today.

i also respect that i probably hurt you just as bad when i walked away. so while i am ready to let go and forgive and reach out, i dont expect you to feel the same. to receive that energy and respond to it. its in YOUR prerogative to simply ignore and delete that request in the same exact way i did.

but... i probably wont reach out to the other friend. some people stay in the past. idk. im lost now. my point is ive let go and forgiven. but nothing really has to change, only my behaviour moving forward. no mistake is worth my walking away. distance is my friend but i dont need to cut people off anymore. thats the easy way out. life isnt meant to be easy. i want to learn to do the hard thing... i am learning to do the hard thing.

this has been a healing experience. thank you, C <3

[saltomortal]

ok i kind went ham on this way more than i was expecting to so um. page break LOL

⬇️wrote all this first, then the above lines afterward

more vagueposting in the same vein but

wow. i dont have the words for how i am feeling and continuing to feel and i keep trying to pretend that it's something like "im losing my mind" but in fact i have literally never felt more sane about this. i have never felt so aware and understanding and like it all makes perfect sense as i do now. i have never been so able to reflect on overcoming a fear that lasted so long but i barely even registered it as such until recently. every time i have tested the waters up until this point i was immediately dealt a strong urge to completely abandon ship and immerse myself in something that i could guarantee not to remind me of it but now all of a sudden even when i expected that to happen it didn't. and then i tried it again two nights later still expecting to wake up in the morning wanting nothing to do with it and i didn't. and again today and i just think that maybe it is actually for real. maybe i actually genuinely might have possibly truly overcome my fear of falling back in and losing myself again which had been gripping me for an entire year without me even truly realizing it. and not only is that part of it weird to recognize but also it is actually entirely unfamiliar to me because i also no longer fear what i dont know. things ended up the way they did last year in part because i was so afraid of not knowing things for sure and i ultimately let that fear take over and by the time i even barely started to realize how much i had lost my sense of self i had already caused so much pain that i couldnt see because i could only focus on my own pain caused by my fears. because prior to that point i could only ever appease the parts of myself that were still insecure by not allowing myself to believe what was actually true all along. i spent years forcing myself to not even consider it and it's not that i regret because past is past and things had to go in the way that they did for reasons i may not be able to directly comprehend and they still do so but it's not about Knowing Why. it's about accepting what you know to be true and trusting in that truth and moving forward with it. i couldnt have ever possibly been healthy about this until i stopped asking Why and always waiting for something outside of myself to determine what the truth was. i had to learn to find my own answers through observation and to trust myself enough to believe that what i was seeing and the sense i was making was valid and real and Enough. and even now that i can do so i still can say there's so much i dont know and so many things that i dont know enough about to explain or define or extrapolate from but the difference is that it doesnt bother me anymore. it doesnt bother me that i dont know what any given person is thinking of me or that i dont have a concrete plan of what my life will look like. and it doesnt bother me that i dont know every single possible factor that is making it so that i can listen to my favorite band again without an immediately following adverse reaction for the first time in a year at surface and honestly the whole fucking time to be completely fucking real with you. it doesnt bother me that my entire belief system revolves around unanswerable questions and imperceivable reasoning because i trust myself. i trust in the fact that i am not and will never be in complete control of everything that makes up the concept of Myself and it doesn't bother me at all because it simply just means i have nothing to worry about. i don't have to be anxious and i don't have to be afraid of the unknown because i know that it's unknown for a reason. and that reason isnt mine to define nor is it anyone elses responsibility to do so. and even though the idea of all this isnt anything new to me, until now i would still not be able to help myself from thinking of the If Only. if only i could somehow make other people see what i see. if only other people knew what i had learned and could see things the way i see them then they wouldn't have to be anxious or afraid anymore either. but that just simply is not

something i can do. that is not something i am meant to do. if it were that easy we'd all be helping each other out in that way but it's not and there is nothing for us as individuals to do other that acknowledge that truth as such and work around it. and god ive always known that this isnt really about the band and it really isnt about him and if i go the entire rest of my life without us ever having another conversation well i would be just fine. i would still do what makes me happy and fulfilled and i would still enjoy my life and it wouldnt bother me because id still be trusting in myself and id know that thats what is meant for me. it's just the thing about it is ive known that for over a year now and ive understood that to be a potential outcome but i just dont think i can say "and ive accepted it as a possible truth" because that just isn't how the truth works. there isnt a "possible" truth, there is simply the truth. there is one string connecting through every single moment of time that can only be described as "this is how it happened" and that is what the truth is. and we as humans don't get to identify the truth until it has passed, yet we spend so much time coming up with possibilities and preparing ourselves for 1000 different outcomes of which we think the truth might look like and all 1000 of them are inaccurate because we just aren't capable of doing that kind of thing. and i could say what i said before to someone and it would be a fairly normal thing to say to anyone because we all make these kinds of claims but when you believe wholeheartedly that you arent in control of the truth it just feels like a sad excuse for a defense mechanism. "oh i'll just say it like this so he can see that im open and accepting of the future regardless of how it turns out" like sorry not sorry but that kind of thinking is what made me fall into a hole in the first place. not only was i focusing on someone else OVER myself but also. I DONT GET TO CONTROL WHAT SOMEONE ELSE THINKS!!! And once again!!! You dont need to feel bad or anxious about what other people think of you. You have to acknowledge the truth - that you can't control them - and WORK!!! WITH!!!! IT!!!!!!!

and at this point the only truth i know is this. This band was put into my life for a reason. That man was dropped in front of me. ok more like i was dropped in front of him but whatever who cares semantics. To impact my life in such a way that facilitated all the growth that got me to this point. It doesnt matter "whether it would have happened if i hadnt met him" because there is only one way things happened. There is only one string of truth threading all of these moments together. I dont need to justify my adherence to the truth with "Even if x thing happens" because literally who cares none of us can do anything about that and pretending that we are somehow capable of completely controlling things is literally the root of all conflict in this world. And there are still plenty of things i dont know. Even about this situation. Even about myself. and there are a lot of things i will never know. but i know what my favorite band is. and I know that for the first time in my entire life i can listen to them and be healthy at the same time. so that's wild

[theskyexists]

gundam last eps

fourth last ep

shaddiq is great. i just do not understand why he would involve the assembly RIGHT THEN when he was still gunning for president? (he literally could have simply NOT confessed to guel and let his father get away - then they would not have had any evidence. they could have said: why were you fighting us? but actually GUEL attacked him first lol) anyway his talk with Miorine proves that they understand each other perfectly and have the same moral DIRECTION.

Miorine says she’s just as guilty but she is really not. thats really overestimating herself. she killed lots of people because of negligence not deliberate attempts at assassination or endangerment

its really funny that im un-yuri-ing because of all this. Suletta has been an infinitely uninteresting protagonist the whole second season. she’s copying Earth House now i guess - giving people food when they feel bad.

genuinely feel like separating Miorine and Suletta was the stupidest decision this anime could have made. for me

wow the inside of that tomato looked disgusting wtf

SHE REFRIGERATED THEM???? THAT FUCKS UP THE FLAVOUR!!!

Nika is going to turn herself in??? GIRL!!!!!! you were under duress!!!!

this whole Nika and Martin plot is soooooooooooooooooooooo boring

‘sorry for ratting you out as a terrorist’

‘hey without you guys as friends i wouldnt have survived. ill just go to prison for a bit’

‘you can come to me with anything in the future’ (except being unwillingly complicit in terrorism)

‘thanks’

the most tell insted of show in the whole damn anime

why da fuck would shaddiq involve the assembly if it was only gonna dissolve benerit group....what the fuck. this is another higher level of politics that is completely ungrounded in anything we know

why does cathedra answer directly to benerit group anyway. how big is benerit group. is cathedra funded by benerit group? surely it doesnt have jurisdiction over ‘all fronts’. what other conglomerates have facilities on Earth? oh wait cathedra is apparently bigger than Delling/Benerit these two are just his most loyal members

oh ok elan is just hanging out here liek hes totally ok

suletta should have been called ‘grace’. no one who embodies this more. i liked her speech. finally we get a focus on her jfc

what why would they deliberately put suletta in the machine that kills pilots against her mother. they’re such nasty fucks

if ericht can sync perfectly with the data storm why can’t suletta? shes a genetic replica. you’re telling me she somehow synced by being exposed to shit in the lab? or specific experiences rewired her brain?

so WHERE is quiet zero, and why even manipulate miorine if she didnt NEED HER TO REACH IT. LOL!!!!!! THE WRITING IN THIS GIRLS AND GALS!!!!

i mean - so - why is Suletta no longer necessary for Eri to control shit. (such an unsatisfying development holy shit. WISH suletta was a cyborg. WISH they had to rip something from her to revive eri. WISH eri was supposed to take over her body. WISH prospera was planning to put Miorine’s biometric data into Quiet Zero that wold all have been more interesting than jfc discarding teh main characters as significant at all. and secondly. why isnt this enough then? because she cant walk around in her giant suit? she seems to literally be alive in there all the time now

Eri literally killing about 50 men. Eri truly is like - a terrible older sister lol. this really didnt seem like the person from the short story

somehow the assembly and miorine&guel both found quiet zero at the same time but not before prospera who thought blowing up some earth ochs gundams was more important than making sure quinharbor stayed intact and its people didnt die

literally paralysing and then killing some 50 more men. the anime presents this like its nothing.

where is Dawn of the Fold anyway....

killing about threehundred more men

miorine is like: the only one who understands at all that people losing lives = bad. but for some reason (which is untrue but which the narrative wants us to believe) she thinks its her active responsibility

random leida going for miorine. this shit truly is all over the place

------

ep third from the end

miorine being angsty would really hit harder if she was actually responsible

literally so goddam stupid that norea died after all. fucking sucks dude. goddamn

why have suletta fly calibarn when they have pharact right there AND schwartzette lol

‘she’s my fiancee now, you think ill let you talk to her?’ what is he doing....he said he liked her, she rejected him for miorine, then he stole her girl in the worst fucking way possible BY CHEATING. and now hes useless at gettign Miorine back on her feet so...he tries to scare off the one person who might be capable very lol

what the fuck.

lets duel over it? he wants to lose the duel again so that he can ‘wipe’ that HORRIBLE win from history. THIS IS SO JAPANESE OH MY GOD. are all pilots taught  FENCING???? WHY HAVENT WE SEEN THIS. thats fucking cOOL!!

‘what a fool i am’ - for what? for thinking he might win or for doing this stupid fight at all lol

‘ive relied on mom and ericht all this time’ youre allowed to rely on people suletta. you’re like....sixteen. what is this stupid propaganda. ok, you’re supposed to learn to make your own decisions like: lets not kill 1000 people

‘i cant give you a convenient peptalk. you have to decide on your own’

she just said shed decided

man. the writing team really decided to have miorine spear suletta’s heart for zero reason and for suletta to go: ah well. my fault. i get it also now. and yknow miorine im grateful bc i met you.

is that the message here? like. uh. who cares what pain your loved ones inflict on you. just make up. im too wrathful a person.

oh how romantic lets go to earth together, ill open the door to meet you bla bla. sulemio is dead to me and i am sad about it

suletta’s hands always look so nice, strong and warm. but damn they still skimping on miorine’s animation

they shut quiet zero down and the assembly wasnt like -hmm maybe this is our chance. nope. no tactical mind to be found not in the whole military

Delling: again: it’s ok that he put Miorine through HELL so much so she almost killed herself bc again: you care about him so lets make up

oh. somehow quiet zero is already at plant quetta

so how is the data storm going to 1. allow eri to live more than she does already. i mean she’s using datastorms left and right right now. 2. why would it necessarily cause problems for communications? thats up to eri no?

so why are they going on about driving a mobile suit thats not calibarn now. what.

I do not understand what is going on in Guel’s head. He’s trying to watch out for Sulemio. Then he slaps himself.

oh ok. ‘youre all students, leave the responsibility to us adults’ THEN WHY SEND THEM INTO DEADLY COMBAT AT ALL LOLLLLL!!!!!!!

genuinely ship shaddiq/miorine now. HOW DID IT COME TO THIS OH MY GOD THIS IS IDIOTIC

so sad mio’s mother never became relevant with her genetic research and tomatoes.

the tomato-eating is disgusting in this anime

why cant suletta co-exist with the datastorm. whai

‘so it’s suletta’ - does NOT call off the lasers. when she knows exactly what calibarns effect is. i despise both eri and prospera

why is guel always pitted against his fam

Eri literally shooting to kill Suletta. I mean. this gonna be a happy ending. i saw something about farmland meemaw prospera. uh-huh. what about eri big sister mass murderer - guess i both discard you and murder you.

ep second to last

Eri not just shooting to kill suletta but literally putting everything into the battle including all her GUNDbits to kill her. uhhhhh???

‘youve gotta go back’

‘no i cant turn a blind eye to you’

what kind of fucking response is that. shouldnt she be saying; ERICHT YOU KILLED HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE JUST NOW

why should i care about war crime war arms dissappearing people benerit group?

‘i dont want to hurt you’ THEN WHY DID YOU SHOOT ENDLESS LASERS AT HER BEFORE

‘is it ok to gobble up all these fronts, end all these lives?’

‘eri wouldnt do that’ huh? interesting

oh damn. uh-huh. ‘i care about you’ - yeah, its like prospera and eri could not even CONCEIVE of that. shit like that happens so often in anime it makes me wonder so seriously about the japanese psyche

Ericht. who. said in the short story that she cared about suletta and wanted her to be happy. now. LITERALLY KILLING HER because shes like: i care about you guys. my god. what a horrible little piece of shit

HOLD UP. HOLD UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AERIAL IS A DIFFERENT ENTITY FROM ERI???????????????????????????????????????????????????????? evil eri is not the same as actual big sis Aerial???

they threw in Elan even though hes not a trained soldier, can only pilot but isnt right now even. what the fuck. theyre on a strike team conssisting of....kids.

lol. he was about to fucking explode and he was like eh i guess i just will  - i liked that jeturk sibling moment. man lauda is lucky he didnt get guel right in the body - like guel did his dad

yeah isnt elan fucking pissed at that cathedra guy. hes got the fuckin idiotballs to complain about elan ‘rubbing it in’  i.e. making a snide comment about how he murdered norea

the whole plant has been taken over by prospera but they didnt think she would change the password AHAHAHAHAHAHAAA

eri literally leveraging miorine’s life.... wow shes so fuckign awful. wow!!!!!

how the FUCK did Nortrette know that Miorine would ever need admin rights on Quiet Zero. what in the fuck

‘all of us will be a famil after all’

WAT

SHES INSANE MIORINE. SHES INSANE!!!

ok but evil eri still stopped a laser to protect suletta and prospera. we all good then?

ok so i guess i wont get an answer to whether theres an Aerial in there that is a better person and better sister than eri

wow. just when suletta was going to do something significant - she died

what? suletta went straight back into a gundam?? after already sustaining huge damage to her body. these episodes are just excuses for ten space battles in arow

the stakes arent even clear. one side says: oh this is liberation. the other side says: oh this will destroy billions of lives.

who is right? the show doesnt say

sappy old anime shit pasting over the very real way suletta’s shounen shit got people killed because capitalists are merciless. god theyre even destroying the strengths of season 1

somehow suletta magically fused with eri through the permet link

what the fuck she can just dissolve the whole group and sell all the assets to earth???? HAAAAA. only does this under severe duress

MIORINE HAD THE FUCKIN POWER TO SELL ALL THEIR ASSETS THIS WHOLE TIME AS PRESIDENT??????????????????OH MY GOD SHUT UP THAT IS FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this league guy was like: oh its recharging? well just send some mobile suits then. now their own mobile suits pilots are in teh system thats about to get fucking blasted.

did miorine EXPECT to be able to broadcast to the whole damn system??? could have literally told the assembly that she’d dissolved the group BEFORE THEY ATTEMPTED TO FIRE A LASER AT EVERYBODY

Do love this soundtrack.

Assembly leader guy is going ahead with the laser just cos i guess

oh shit they projected the datastorm across like - literal space systems. wow lol. suletta really was like: fuck quiet zero i can do way bettter!

but also. then what the fuck was quiet zero even supposed to do then. and why was it bad

suletta raised eri’s score. because...uh theyre mystically bonded? but eri literally was like: shut up and get out the way ill kill you dont test me! so i dont really get it

suletta is literally like: eh who cares that you killed hundreds and would have killed billions. i support you! then why did you even fight her

so you’re saying that what we’re seeing now is a super datastorm. that doesnt look too bad. why was anybody complaining. everybody meeting their dead loved ones for some reason. oh ok but the permet breaking apart at particle level destroys steel. uh what about mio

savingg suletta from space like suletta saved mio once. ok they’re still parallelism kings. where is everybody. who got dissolved? whats going on

why is miorine screaming at suletta in space when she needs to get her inside the gundam and breathing oxygen

NIKA WENT TO PRISON FOR THREE YEARS????????????? BY WHOSE JURISDICTION??????????????? BENERIT GROUP IS DISSOLVED???????????? THE ASSEMBLY FUNDED HER ORGANISATION????? THREE!!!!!!!! YEARS???????????? AFTER SHE RISKED HER LIFE ?????????????????????????? SHES A MINOR!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK MAN!!!!!!!!!!! sorry ok that was not prison? no thtat was definitely prison. she just instantly aced her exam afterwards. fuckin hell

how is guel still head of jeturk when the company has been dissolved. how is astiassia still open when it was funded by benerit group and when its graduates were trained for work within the group. how is the dissolution not an enormous hit to lagrange4 or whatever. how the fuck, once again, is jeturk still a company. where did elan get the money to help keep asticassia open? he left peil high and dry. who is he?

oh damn shaddiq is going to prison and his compatriots are all already out. how is miorine still an ‘official’? why is she speaking with the victims? i guess shes still pretty damn rich from liquidising the whole group. but benerit group is dissolved so who is administrating. ANYWAY

IM SORRY. IM SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAAHA the anime explains its happy end by saying: nobody understands how eri remained alive. THE END.

ill say: suletta’s hair is hella cool here. everybody seems to have shucked the stylish mullets thogh :/ though it looks nice. except nika’s hair which is dissapointing as hell. and miorine finally got an actual suit

Finally: i thought that for sure, like, for SURE, this story was going to be much more complex, interesting and emotionally compelling as well as coherent on both the social and interpersonal level. its like they were told suddenly: you get one more season and then CRUNCHED.

which probably happened eh.

weak ending. again. but it’s true: you gotta keep going and keep trying to do better even if you’ve made mistakes. even if the mistakes are unforgivable.