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kindled-soul · 1 year ago

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NOSTALGIA

As you mature and gain new experiences, improving yourself as you go, your work gets better and better. You learn from the past and use this knowledge to make a better present that paves the way for a better future.

What value, then, do old works have when asked to choose between it and its more current counterparts?

In an impossible place, at an impossible time, a creator and their creation meet…

Why do people create things?

What drives them?

What benefit is there in creating and sharing?

Is it for themselves? For other people?

To please a superior? To reach a deadline?

How does one transcribe their most intimate feelings into their creations?

What makes them so comfortable to share their vulnerability?

Or does it mean nothing at all? Is it all just flowery words?

There might exist a reality where concepts and ideas are given physical life. They breathe, just like any other human. They have personalities, if you wish to acknowledge the embodiment of a concept as such. They walk, talk, and feel. They laugh, cry, play, fight, rage, despair, yet also forgive, love, and care. They live. They know who their creators are, of course. After all, they are alive because of these humans. However, none of them feel the need to ever meet their creators. No, that’s ridiculous. What purpose is there to meet their creators? They are content to simply live with each other, never once meeting the humans they owe their existence to. It’s not like those humans know about them, anyway.

This is how the oldest of a group of 13 sisters has lived. Formally named as Pentagon, simply called Penny by the others, she is the first of the albums from a Korean boy group called PENTAGON, her namesakes. She has guided the first 3 that came after her, teaching them what she knows and paving the way for them to find their own path. Nowadays, having such a large gap between her and the younger ones, she is content to be on the sidelines and watch the new albums be guided by those that came before.

Penny has never wished for more, never needed for less.

She is satisfied.

If you had the chance to meet your creator, what would you say?

What would you ask?

Would it be hard to believe these questions never crossed her mind before? Not once has she thought about confronting those responsible for her existence. What is there to gain? She exists, she lives, and, for better or worse, there is nothing more to be done about it.

And yet…

Penny walks in an expanse of white. If she were to stand still for a few minutes, it would be easy for her to lose track of what is right-side up. She can’t quite remember how she got here. One minute she was walking around in the mall downtown, the next she blinked and is now walking in this void. Although, she doesn’t feel dead, so it can’t be the afterlife. Did she enter a forbidden place in the mall? ‘I’ll never hear the end of it from Sunny if this is somehow one of those dreaded Backrooms…’

She doesn’t walk alone, though. Somehow, beside her walks along a man (a real human?) twice her height. He’s dressed very casually, a t-shirt, jeans, and rubber shoes. It’s as if he’s merely taking a stroll in a park. He looks ahead, face neutral, and hums quietly to himself. His hands stay in his pant pockets, only leaving when the man decides to adjust his shirt every now and then.

Their footsteps echo softly around them, filling in the deafening silence of the white space. Neither of them have spoken to each other, only giving each other a glance at the start before quickly looking away and walking forward.

Although Penny only got a quick glimpse of what the man looks like, she knows for sure that the man beside her is one of her creators. Lee Hoetaek, simply known as Hui, the leader of PENTAGON, one of Penny’s writers, walks beside her in the vastness of nothing. This man is one of the people responsible for the birth of all of PENTAGON’s albums except for those made during his enlistment period (although strangely, Fiona doesn’t apply to this).

Penny still remembers how the boys were like when she first came to be. Ambitious, hopeful, eager to prove themselves.; they were young and filled with dreams. The man beside her now seems so different from the boy of the past. ‘He’s grown so much. 7 years is really such a long time,’ Penny wonders how much the others have also grown.

After a while, Penny pulls on her hoodie’s sleeves. How long have they been walking? Is time even a thing here? Her chest feels a little too tight, hands a little too restless. Will they keep walking aimlessly forever? Is there an end to this white space? She looks around her. There’s no telling how far they’ve walked now, if they have ever left their place of origin at all. Should she say something? What does she even ask?

This could all be just a very vivid dream. Perhaps she already made it home for the night. Everything feels so…real, though, for it to simply be a dream. Then again, if all this is just a dream, what does she have to lose in talking to Hui?

Penny opens her mouth, feeling her voice disappear. She stops and clears her throat, consciously avoiding Hui now stopping and staring down at her.

“How’s…,” her voice cracks and Penny wishes the void spontaneously summons a black hole. Still, she pushes through, “how’s everything? …with everyone?”

She hears rather than sees Hui shifting on his feet. He hums a bit before replying, “..what?”

Penny’s face cringes at their current interaction. Talking with others should come naturally to her. She stands up straighter and faces Hui, actually looking at his face for the first time. He looks even more tired now, but his eyes seem to have not lost their bright, ambitious glow, still so alive after some time. It feels weird, to see a grown man in the place of the hopeful young boy she grew accustomed to. Something squeezes in Penny’s chest. “How’s PENTAGON? How’s…everyone been? It’s been, well, it’s been seven years for me now.”

Penny isn’t too sure how everything works here. Does Hui understand what she is? If this is her own dream, perhaps he does. On the off chance this isn’t, well this would be very hard to explain. He doesn’t seem to be confused about what's going on, though. Maybe he is at least aware that this isn’t the same world he knows of.

Hui stares at her, what he’s looking for she can’t tell. He lets out an embarrassed chuckle and rubs his neck, eyes looking off to the side. He sucks in a breath through his teeth, “It’s been…a lot of things. Wow, seven years? It’s…a long story.”

He didn’t question her about anything she said. Humming, Penny turns back forward and takes a few steps forward. She looks back up at him, “We have time,” head nodding to the path forward.

He looks at her, to the space in front of them, and releases a breath. Shrugging, he starts up his pace again, “I guess we do.” Penny follows along beside him, both of them looking forward as they walk.

And so, Hui talks. Penny makes no move to interrupt him, despite already knowing the group updates from talking to the younger albums. She lets him tell the story from his perspective, as the person who had to live through all the times, even adding about things that happened outside of official PENTAGON business.

Hui talks about many things.

Their debut showcase; Their first concert; Their subsequent comebacks; The group's status as self-producing idols; The rise and success of Shine; Hyojong and Hyuna's situation; Their first comeback without Hyojong; The mess that came after that; PRISM World Tour; Jinho's enlistment stage; The two comebacks without Jinho; Their first win, four years after debut; His own enlistment time; In:vite U, the one comeback without him; Hongseok's enlistment situation; Each member's participation in survival shows; Everyone's individual projects, like Kino's Pose; Dorm life; Status on the younger members; His burden and anxieties as the leader; Universe; Their latest Japanese comeback

The contract renewal period. The younger members’ departure from CUBE.

Penny tenses the most at the last topics. Logically, she knew the boys had a time limit hanging above their heads, but it felt like it was so far into the future all those years ago. A selfish part of her thought that they would always make music together until they physically couldn’t anymore. They were so hopeful and bright-eyed way back when they first debuted. Penny didn’t want any of that to change.

Is she being unreasonable for being the tiniest bit bitter at the younger line for leaving? Maybe. After all, they said they left CUBE, not PENTAGON (though the line they walk is very fragile and dangerous). It hurts to not know how Yanan’s doing, though. Penny can only hope everyone around him treats him well.

She never thought that anyone would actually leave unless forced to by the management, much less the boys who promised each other forever.

But she can’t control their fates. She can only hear about it happening.

“I think…that should be up to speed, except of course all the other individual schedules the members have,” Hui finishes.

They walk in silence once again. Penny allows herself this time to process all Hui told her. Seven years sounds long in theory, but feels so fast. And yet, hearing all of this from Hui, a lot of things really has happened to them. Penny bites her lip and looks down at Hui’s shoes, “...but were you all happy?”

Hui hums, thinking about it for a few seconds. “I know they were. It was hard for everyone, but they all seem happy now.”

“How’ve you been, then?”

“Well, I’ve been ok. I’ll admit there've been some good and bad times, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. God knows how much I missed them when I was in Boys Planet.”

Penny lifts her gaze to look at Hui’s eyes. He must have sensed her stare as after only a few seconds, he looked down to meet her own gaze. “But are you happy, after everything?” Penny asks.

Hui looks back forward, seemingly lost in thought. After a while, he nods his head, looking back down at Penny, “yes, I am. I don’t think I’ll ever find better brothers to love this deeply.”

Penny nods her head and looks back forward, continuing their walk in silence.

If you had the chance to meet your creator, what would you say?

What would you ask?

Penny never had those thoughts cross her mind before. It was simply impossible and worthless.

But she’s here now, walking with Hui. Even if this is a dream, wouldn’t this be the closest interaction she has with him?

She thinks about what she would ask Hui, something substantial. She almost gives up until a question forces itself in her mind, getting caught in her throat. Her stomach briefly falls. Would this really be worth asking? She desperately tries to find something else to say, but her one question keeps hammering in her heart.

Defeated, Penny quietly sighs and opens her mouth, “...Hui?”

The man lets out a curious hum.

“You…you’re finally allowed to release your own songs, right? Release your own albums and all. So what do you think about the ones you didn’t produce?”

Hui tilts his head to the side, eyebrows furrowed. “Didn’t produce…for PENTAGON, you mean?”

“Yeah, of course, for PENTAGON,” Penny clears her throat. Her nerves start rising up. It feels suffocating. “Like me. Five Senses. Ceremony. You know, the first ones, when that company didn’t allow much freedom for you guys yet. What do you…think about us?”

Hui’s mouth forms an O and he hums again, “I don’t hate you, if that’s your concern. I think you guys are fine.”

‘“Don’t hate” doesn’t necessarily mean “like” either,’ the pit in Penny’s stomach only grew deeper. ‘Isn’t this enough? Wasn’t this what she wanted?’ The dread inside her clings to her heart, behind her eyes, inside her lungs. Penny steps in front of Hui, causing both of them to stop walking. She looks up at him, fists holding the sides of her hoodie, “so then it’s fine if people listen to us?”

Hui looks more lost, not understanding the reasoning for Penny’s questions, “why wouldn’t it be?”

Penny takes a deep breath. “Unis don’t include us in streaming parties, and I get it. It’s more helpful to you if they stream songs produced by you guys. I promise I’m not mad about that. I get it…” Penny’s eyes fall to the side, hands rubbing together.

Hui slightly leans down, trying to catch her eyes, “...but?”

“But I…I wanted to know…what you think. You know, you’ve produced so many things. You probably don’t have the time and care to think about the ones you don’t produce and that’s perfectly fine. It’s fine. I’m fine with it. You’re only human. There’s only so much you can focus on at a time. I just wish- just wanted to know what…we are to you. You know, we’re part of your discography forever but we’re not fully produced by you guys. What are we…what am I to you?”

Do you hate me because you weren’t allowed to produce your own debut album? Do I bring back bad memories of what you had to go through just to debut? How do you see me? Or is this why you never think about me? There’s so much Penny wants to ask, but she holds herself back.

Am I asking for too much? Am I being too selfish? Have I made you sad? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. If you allowed her, she would go on forever on everything she wants to say to PENTAGON.

What am I to you? What am I supposed to be? What did you want me to be? Why am I so unsure if I matter to you? Where are these questions coming from? She never had these thoughts cross her mind. After all, she is satisfied being in the background. She is content to watch everyone grow and mature.

She is happy.

She is…happy?

Would someone who is happy have so many ways to question their worth?

Penny has no doubt in her heart that she loves all the boys very dearly. She and the group technically were born together. She is very excited and delighted to see how each and every one of them has grown. But standing in front of Hui, Penny wonders if they ever saw her with even at least the tiniest bit of love they can spare.

“I just,” Penny continues, eyes dropping down to her shoes. “I wanted to know…if you love us…,” Can she be selfish, just this once? “...if you love me, just like you do for all the others.” Her voice drops down to almost a whisper, losing all the previous strength and courage Penny managed to muster.

Penny stands there waiting for Hui’s response, the silence around them rings so loud in her ears, like a thousand glasses crashing against each other. She can only focus on her shoes, refusing to move a single muscle. Why isn’t he replying? Why can’t he just say a yes or no? Why am I even here? Why is this happening? This is all so stupid. Why? Why me? Why? Why? Why?Why?Why?Why?

Just as Penny starts to spiral, Hui slowly kneels down in front of her. She startles, looking at him as he reaches to be on the same eye-level as her. His smile is small, gentle, eyes so warm Penny didn’t realize how cold she felt until she physically melted just by looking at him. He holds out his hands to her, and Penny slowly puts hers on them, her own head tilting at Hui. He holds onto her tightly and smiles wider.

How can one person be so filled with love it shows itself even through the simplest action of smiling? Just by looking into their eyes?

How can someone be so willing to surrender their heart for all to see? To open their heart for anything? To still have space to love even more?

Penny doesn’t know the answer to these questions. She doesn’t think she’ll be able to experience doing something like that herself. But she stares at Hui smiling at her, and she thinks that maybe someone like that can actually exist somewhere.

Hui stares at her a little bit longer, a nostalgic feeling finding its way into his gaze, and he opens his mouth, “Just because I didn’t make you doesn’t mean I don’t love you just the same.”

Penny’s breath gets caught in her throat. She prepared herself for rejection, for indifference, for maybe a very guilty expression. She was prepared to get her heart quietly broken. She never expected Hui to look at her with so much love, like a parent would to their child.

He pushes on, “It might seem so different now, with us being all self-produced now, but that will never mean I won’t be grateful for what you are in our lives. I look at you and I see how far we’ve grown, how far we’ve reached. But more than that, you also carry so much memories. You are our debut. There’s so much worth and weight in what you are.”

“But I’m stuck like this,” Penny whispers back. “I’ll never truly be one of yours.”

“And maybe you don’t have to be. Maybe the time just wasn’t right. We were too new to have a purely self-produced album. We were too young ourselves. But that doesn’t mean the memories and joy we felt during your time weren’t real, weren’t ours to cherish.”

Hui lifts his right hand and places them on Penny’s cheek. He uses his thumb to wipe away any tears he can catch, his smile somehow melting even more. When did she start crying? When did breathing become difficult? Penny bites on her lip, silencing any sounds trying to escape.

“Besides,” Hui softens his voice. “I’m sure there are plenty of Unis out there who are Universes today because of you. You gave us a chance to be the idols we are today. So please, don’t think that I don’t love you. And even if I didn’t, I’m sure there is someone somewhere out there who will fill in that love for me, even if you can’t meet them.”

Penny tries to get her breathing under control. There’s too much emotion to feel, emotions so different from what she expected to receive. After a few minutes, she sucks in a breath through her teeth and whispers back, “You guys have grown so much.”

Hui carefully pulls her into a hug, and whispers in her ear, “I’ll forever be grateful you paved the way for this to happen.”

A sincere person until the very end, her beloved leader. She throws her arms around him and hugs him back. If she’s hugging him tighter than he does to her, he doesn’t comment on it and hugs her back just as tightly.

Eventually, Penny pulls back and looks at him, staring at her with so much love and gratitude. It feels so warm. Penny finds the strength to smile back, “It’s been an honor to be a part of your journey.”

Hui stands back up and Penny goes to continue walking forward. She notices the missing footsteps beside her and looks back to see Hui going in the opposite direction. Oh, is their time up? Penny cups her hands around her mouth and calls out, “HUI!”

The man turns back at her, tilting his head with a smile. Penny waves at him with both arms, like one would do when watching a cruise ship drive away. “Good luck,” she shouts to him with a smile, “with everything.”

Hui smiles back, wider than the others she’s seen today, and raises one hand to wave back. After that, he turns back and continues walking.

Penny watches his back for a few more moments. Eventually, she turns back around and continues her own way forward.

Just like all those years ago, Penny can only watch and let him go his own separate way.

This time, though, it didn’t feel heavy to let go.

Soon, Penny hears voices coming from ahead.

“Sunny, get back here! I know you did it!”

“You can’t prove anything, dear sister!”

“Lor, stop watching and help me with this.”

“I don’t know, man. You seem to be doing just fine on your own.”

“Why was I assigned babysitting duty…”

Penny can’t help the grin that crosses her face hearing the voices of her other sisters. She runs the rest of the way, leaving behind nothing more than what would be thought of as a dream.

Will newer works always be more relevant than works of the past?

Can the same artist value their current work more than the previous?

Or maybe one can learn to love their past creations for what they were for the time.

Maybe there’s no need to compare the worth of one project to another.

Maybe one can simply give their love to anything and everything they have made.

Wouldn’t that make life even just a little bit brighter?

~~ End thoughts ~~

So this specific idea was inspired by multiple songs:

You Are - PENTAGON

The Greatest Wall - HUI & KINO

What Was I Made For? - Billie Eilish

With Universe - PENTAGON

for you - HUI

Me, while writing this: *shaking* “Would Hui even say that??”

Like of course I don’t know him personally so everything this Hui has "said" is all a guessing game

Doesn't stop the anxiety ૮₍˶Ó﹏Ò ⑅₎ა

I’ll be honest, I had no intention of actually fully writing out this idea because it sounds too…crazy and stupid. Like, why would anyone write about this?

But then October 9 came, then “With Universe” was released. I think I just needed to cope really badly back then.

It’s stupid. I've only known these guys for like 9 months and yet I’m so attached to them. So many things happened just as I was getting to know them and it's all been very confusing emotionally.

So this was basically my coping mechanism of a fic.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed reading this. Or cringed. Either works honestly.

#pentagon #fanfic #ptg #fanfiction #fic #pentagon album #inspired by That Scene in the Barbie move #actually i had this idea before i even watched the Barbie movie #it just gave me the push to start making an initial sketch of the album girls #(yes that means i have little notes on all 13 major korean releases i am mentally stable)#(can it be called a sketch if it's all words not drawings?)#fun fact: i actually finished this last Oct 28 #i just entirely forgot i had a tumblr account #god im already regretting this and it's still on drafts right now #anyway uh i dont know what other tags to put so that people who dont want to see it wont see it #learning how to do those colors gave me flashbacks #html i did NOT miss u #wanna know something stupid?#i forgot ptg had a song called “Nostalgia” when i was making the title

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