#so I guess that means I'm improving
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So I've calmed down. After today's events I find myself even more vindicated in my hatred for my family, but that's neither here nor there. I'm not trying to vent so often on this blog (feels too oversharey), so instead I'll let y'all know that my birthday is in two weeks! Specifically the 24th. So that's cool.
#unma rambles#ignore the tags below I was only going to mention the uni stuff and then things just kinda started rolling out and now it feels like a-#waste to delete them#I'll be heading to uni on the 22nd for orientation on the 23rd though#so that's another year in a row of depressing shit happening around my birthday#at least this time it's something somewhat good (uni) and not my dad shipping me off to a camp I insisted I didn't want to go to#to the point that he forcibly packed my things and made it so I couldn't go back home otherwise that Sunday#which I still haven't forgiven him for#(man every time I think about them I remember something that makes me hate my parents. funny how that works.#It's almost like there's nothing good to remember)#fyi the uni is a christian university that requires attending service for credits which is why I'm not happy#reminder: I'm agnostic but was raised christian in a christian family#and an acquaintance from church is also going to that uni. and attending the same course#which isn't the end of the world but I can't help but feel bummed out#because I just know someone's gonna use her to see how I'm doing since I never answer phone calls#wow I said I wouldn't vent but here I am#tbf my reaction to this is more disappointment and mild annoyance than the depressive spirals I used to deal with#so I guess that means I'm improving#or that it's not big enough of a problem for it to trigger that#oh well#all of this means I'm not exactly looking forward to my birthday but I've never looked forward to one since I was 10#so that's just typical at this point#hm come to think of it the camp thing isn't the only thing that happened near my birthday and resulted in depressive spirals huh#kinda sounds to me like my birthdays have just sucked#at best they were meh and at worst they sucked to the point I look forward to one where nothing happens at this point#that happened once#my birthday had nothing done for it because of reasons (I don't blame my parents for this they had valid reasons to do so)#and I just forgot about it#the tags of my post that was supposed to be about my birthday was not where I expected to unpack my shitty experiences with past birthdays#but here I am I guess
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When you need to lie, but you're a good boy.
#Lies of P#lop#neowiz#pinocchio#fanart#comic#comics#interrupting your local d2 art fever for puppet time -- we shall return soon#I'm not done with the game yet so i ain't checking tags#steamrolled this one bc i still wanna do another d2 comic for the weekend#cant lose momentum yet yelp#as i prepare this post i'm stuck on the cathedral boss for two afternoons already#like-- i am having progress with the battle and improving my timing so i guess that's something?#i'm not a souls player -- that's my brother -- but when i doubt myself he pats me and#'nah you are a souls player - you have persistence' and honestly he's not wrong#i'm actually enjoying the learning process of the battle even tho i'm stuck for two afternoons#i mean i spent 37 hours on the demo so at least i am taking my time sdfghjhgfd
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AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981)Β dir. John Landis
#an american werewolf in london#aawil#horror#david naughton#griffin dunne#mine#I finally managed to download a decent quality copy of this fckin movie hjsdfhjhfds#which means I'm back on my bullshit. not that I ever left my bullshit. but we're so back ππ¨π₯#who would've guessed that higher quality footage yields higher quality gifs (answer: every giffing tutorial ever)#ofc these are still kinda wonky but there's?? marginal??? improvement??? and that's a win in my book lmao#pls be patient w/me in this trying time (as I slowly bamboozle and blunder my way thru learning gifmaking)#anyway. I ain't never seen two pretty best friends.#one always gotta be turned into a werewolf on the moors unwillingly#and the other? doomed to walk the earth in limbo until the werewolf's curse is lifted#smh π...................................#(sidenote: not sure if it's intentional. but the blood? on the sheep next to jack? eating the symbolism up w/a spoon tysm for asking)
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Figured i'd start actually. slowly reintroducing the new monster au turned oc project by first posting the new character names!
Mark -> Markus Adrianne Addams (Mark/Chris) Cesar -> Martin Garcia Sarah -> Amber Addams (Ace) Thatcher -> Jackson Hyde (Jack) Ruth -> Mabel Palmer Dave -> Barney Holmes Evelin -> Olivia Davis (Liv) Jonah -> Aaron Jones (AJ)
Another thing I wanted to introduce, this universe from now on will be referred to as Whispers of Willows!
#ramblings :)#Whispers of Willows#And uh. guess i'll. establish the character tags too. here we go#Shadow Mark#Mark Addams (WW)#(tagging both versions of his tag cause. yeag)#Martin Garcia (WW)#Amber Addams (WW)#Jackson Hyde (WW)#Mabel Palmer (WW)#Barney Holmes (WW)#Olivia Davis (WW)#Aaron Jones (WW)#Do i NEED to add the (WW) at the end of these tags? probably not but hey organization is neat#I dunno what to make the abbreviation considering. the options are taken. WOW means world of war craft and WW stands for wind waker so LIKE#but yeah. silly.#I already did like. a HUGE rehaul for the characters and storyline and honestly I think its an improvement.#I'll post the refs when i'm done with a good chunk of them!#also. in case you're wondering. we did lose someone.#Adam is NOT coming back in this. mainly due to 1. me wanting to make the adam stand ins for OTHER projects more unique#but also because. his storyline could be easily seen in MARKS storyline.#so putting Adam's story parts into Mark's storyline would be. better than just repeating it twice.#This effects Olivia's story of course but. i'll figure something out.#but yeah!! i'm happy with the progress made on this so far!!!!
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when a character says 'I can't live without you' I often think it would be more powerful to say, 'I don't want to live without you'. Life will go on, the world will turn, but a light has gone out of it that cannot be replaced even if new ones are lit. I want to be with you, I'm choosing to be with you, I could live without you but I would be losing something incredibly precious that brings a certain richness that nothing else ever will.
'I can't live without you' sounds kind of coercive to me. I can't live without you I don't have a choice so you don't have a choice unless you want to destroy me, do you want to destroy me? Without each other we have nothing, are nothing.
#a butterfly scribbles#ideas#prompt#prompts#someone else please say this better#I mean if you want to write about characters that can't live without each other that's your prerogative#I get tired of how it's supposed to be the ultimate romance or even normal and healthy and just thrown into stories willy-nilly#like in pride and prejudice darcy is all 'I'm in love with you against my will and better judgement' like there's no choice involved#elizabeth is unimpressed 'too bad so sad'#and guess what? his life goes on. in some ways it gets better as he improves himself#it wasn't a plan to win her back. whether or not they ended up together I think he would have ultimately been okay#I think that's great#my life is good but you would make it so much better please be a part of it#I shouldn't write when it's past my bed time
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Anyone out there got a solution for when you're feeling really stuck with your art and everyone and their mother tells you the solution is to do studies and figure drawings and other such things but even just thinking about doing those things makes you Spiral and want to Kill Yourself?
#monster noises#it's 1am no one will see this it's fine#it's a genuine problem though i Wish i could be aotherfucker who found it engaging and satisfying to do figure drawing#but i both A) had some bad experiences with this type of learning in highschool that i guess kinda make them triggering for me i guess?#and B) my brain doesn't seem to be able to like.. Learn Things.... That Way.... or at least not Obviously#i mean obviously i've improved as an artist over time in general#and i won't lie and say i've Never done figure drawing or studies or anything#but i never leave those situations feeling like i've Learned anything#mostly i've just sat for several hours growing increasinglyore frustrated#at my limitations and inability to achieve what i feel should come to me intuatively#and even if i Did feel like i've learned something i can seemingly never turn around and then apply it to something else#my brain does not make those lateral connections#it's why i can't do word problems in math.#and plus i also find stuff like figure drawing especially Rarely helps me make progress on the parts of my work i Actually want to improve#fluidity/mobility/stylization and surrealism#and only reinforces practices i want to pull away from#realism/'correctness'#all this combined leaves me just kinda stuck because i really can't power through my fear of these practicing methods#because i also don't find them useful#but i have no alternatives because it's like.. the only thing anyone suggests because theoretically is Does Work#but just not when you're Specifically Busted like I'm Busted#and so I just continue to stagnate until idk.. i find something else that can abruptly and suddenly launch me forward again?.#augh.. being an artist is The Most Enjoyable (_=<=)_
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Can't sleep, so instead I'm making a todo list for attending the switch 2 experience on sunday.
Buy 500ml bottle of water. Only allowed to bring a still sealed bottle in for some reason.
Check what size bag is ok to bring or heck check what my smallest bag is and just use that.
See if someone posts about going on Friday to find out what games are available to play there and make myself a priority list.
Find out if there is any requirement for getting the goody bag. Once was at a thing where you had to collect a certain number of stamps for different activities before getting free stuff. So it could be that you gotta play certain games or something like that.
Check if my diy animal crossing shirt is clean if not do load of laundry. Definitely wanna wear that one on Sunday! It's clean. :)
Look up how to get to the place.
Set an alarm for when to get up for breakfast. Definitely gonna need to eat before getting there. Not allowed to bring snacks and they aren't selling any either.
#I am genuinely excited to get to play some switch 2 stuff#Like I got zero interest in most of the games that are being hyped so I'll never buy them. Sunday is the one time I will play them ever#Also very curious about how the joycons will feel. Apparently the rumble is improved and the plastic feels Premium#(Whatever that even means) Very curious to find out if mouse mode will instantly make me cramp up#And I'm a tiny bit worried about being a very visibly queer person at an event with gamer dudes#But I guess with this being Berlin chances are I'm not gonna be the only one. But yeah idk. Going to the bathroom is definitely gonna be#scary... but hey with just 500ml for 4 hours I might not even have to go xD
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Guys, guys....would you hate me if I said I'm already planning an enemies to lovers Gojo series for February + Valentine's Day?
#like i alr have all the dates and plot lines planned out#it's so fucking insane#like how tf am i thinking about February when I'm over barely done with this one Gojo fic#also WHY AM I WRITING SO DAMN MUCH LIKE THIS IS NOT ME HELLO???#guys i promise you i never had 6k energy in my life; HELL MY EYES WOULD GO BLURRY JUST GOING OVER 3-4K πππππ#i mean improvement i guess??? idfk#better to just go with the flow than complain ig#π―ππππ ΛβΊβ§βΛπΛββ§βΊΛ π«ππππ
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what if we held on to whatever we get the idea of as Normal as unquestionable & think all you can do to this normal is apply some veneers overtop it to be more polite & also resent that. maybe we could project that everyone who seems to be Annoyingly Disruptively doing more than this must be putting on a performance to look good &/or humor others b/c that's all we ever believe we're doing, & again, we resent even that much....maybe we could use our show of More Polite language to make the same points blaming everyone who our Normal mistreats for their own mistreatment
#perhaps we could lecture autistic people on their; ah; Lacking Social Skills or Intelligence. it's just matter of fact#completely neutral what Annoys those who do well enough when thrown into any group settings; completely neutral how they React#like yeah can't possibly take issue w/anything Acceptable to Encouraged in the realm of even ''successful'' ''normal'' social interactions#infinite ''smh this is why nobody takes ableism seriously'' like oh you mean b/c of the ableism? is why you don't take it seriously?#infinite ways of phrasing that everyone alleged so Annoying With It is just like you but someone actively Putting On An Act too much#all it can possibly be. just as someone's Anti Ableism would be knowingly ''humoring'' / ''tolerating'' an autistic person e.g.#ah you see to this Person Who Identifies As Nonbinary's face i will try to mostly use Their Preferred Pronouns. that's that done#but it's sooo annoying. what's next; multiple &/or changing pronouns? god even worse. so Inflicted Upon my correct norm#if i'm not feeling actively malicious & devious in how i treat someone i am surely as righteous as it gets#having to improve on perfection by occasionally feeling Put Upon to perform politeness around some individuals? ughhh#that's why it's actually illegitimate. shouldn't have to be Put Upon like that. (finding the norm Questionable? out of the question Lol)#shocked ppl report that casual usage of the r word is having a revival. by shocked i mean [already clear ppl didn't care abt that]#& again just the current ''polite'' rephrasing of ableism like oh um :) disabled ppl are just a Specific kind of unintelligent & unskilled#& unprofessional & incompetent & a harmful scourge :) & maybe if they learned to be otherwise they wouldn't be punished :)#just formalized ABA vs the less formalized ABA huh. & the [the Real ableism] it ostensibly is to be saying all this i'm sure#something something not a real ally if they encourage behavior that will Make other ppl treat you badly. helpless neurotypicality :(#just as the ppl saying ableism is baked into terms & phrases used casually well beyond the [bad but lol guess not That Bad r word]#were definitely the ones Advancing Ableism by annoyingly overdoing the Polite Veneer you imagine they were Demanding#(rather than a more thorough questioning of language & accepted ''norms'' in pointing out the logics in their usage / basis)#simultaneously as being too much to ask it was also always so Frivolous as to not be worth the apparently infinitesimal effort#hmm guess we'll never solve the contradictions there....#not even with the ''openly saying 'see? i don't take ableism seriously & now it's Your Fault b/c i saw this & scoffed at it''' clues#& a final shoutout to the classic ''it's called being Realistic'' language in this & wherever else relevantly applied lol. we could go on
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you ever miss your comfort character so bad you gotta go outside about it
#idk i've been pretty stressed that's probably why i randomly got rly sad abt it#and by it i mean the uh. gestures vaguely at fandom i guess#either nobody's there or it feels like i'm not exactly welcome. or both! which tough shit i'mma take up the space regardless but like#this weird sense of elitism I get in a space that's built by and nurtured by people whose MO is 'caring a lot' is.. hm.. interesting#idk just got reminded this morning that some people view critique as a free pass to drag a creator through the mud#when what you SHOULD be doing is uplifting them so that they can improve and reach their maximum potential. you clown. you absolute buffoon#it wasn't targeted at me or anything it just made me so angry/sad. smad. i'm smad about it#i just get hit with a wave of what's the point. what's the fucking point nobody cares abt things made with passion for the love of the game#we don't have time/it's not good enough/it doesn't matter/it's been done better/why x when we have y#and you know what fair enough everyone's entitled to their own emotional responses of course.#if you think your opinion is reason enough to tear it down then we're gonna have to agree to disagree on that one i think#just keep in mind that you could have loved what they made. other people could have loved it. it could have changed something for someone.#i personally know artists and have worked with artists who have put so so much effort into making something work over and over and over#only to have no audience and get back up saying guys let's give this just one more try.#hell back in the day I was an accomplished writer kid who was told that you may be good but nobody gives a fuck#artists who use up all these resources just to bring something new into the world and nobody's looking. what's the point. what's the point#anyway. i'm gonna go wade through the snow for a bit maybe sink my bare hands into it you guys want anything#started the post thinkin abt my blorbos ending it crying putting my shoes on alright I'm going I'm GETTING the FRESH AIR fuck off#i'll be god once i've gotten a bottle of coke and some mozzarella sticks. wait am i pmsing. fuck#god i hate that i don't drink sometimes.
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happy one year to her and one of my better opening lines for a fic <3
now, because i'm curious:
#to hell and back again#i genuinely can't believe it's a year but i guess that's how time works huh :')#anyway umm gonna leave some retrospective thoughts in the tags:#1. i hold this fic near to my heart but also have a very complicated relationship with it now-#mostly bc i feel like my writing has improved so much and it's hard for me to reread parts of this lol#2. i honestly feel like it's a product of its time? like i think if i was publishing it now people wouldn't like it nearly as much#(especially with the opening line wHICH HAS A POINT AND COMES FULL CIRCLE AT THE END OK JUST TRUST ME)#3. on a sadder note this also means it's been a year since we had to put my family's eldest dog down#i remember i was gonna post this first chapter later when i had finished another fic up#but then our dog just like. straight up started dying on my mom's bedroom floor#and my mom was too distressed/upset to take her to the vet so i had to put her in my car and take her on my own#and then had to go to work right after that#so yeah i was upset and was like 'well dammit im gonna post this then bc it's silly and makes me laugh and i am sad'#so yeah!! some thoughts and behind the scenes info for anyone who's bothered to read this many tags#idk these things just feel like Tags thoughts not Post thoughts#anyway thanks for all the love this one has gotten!! i'm glad people are still enjoying it though *will voice* it's been a year mike#byler
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i don't care what any says i need to see why these people are bookmarking my worst fic out there-
i feel a sudden urge to finish all of my fics
#vent in tags#ao3 please i need to see what all these people think of me PLEASE#i seek others apporval please let me feed into that#me watching every fanfic i've spent my motivation on and been proud of get buried by the fic in which i made watson pregnant like#:(#it's not even fluffy yaoi it's people arguing and angry and sad and-#it's not even aob why are you all here#i fucking hate that smut scene it was so bad#eh-#i guess it means i'm improving#can you tell i JUST NOW discovered stats#writing#ao3#ao3 fanfic#sigh i'll go finish it
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Just got back from my very long trip and honestly feel like I should have stayed away longer.
I hate being lied to.
#musings#bandit#i really want to vent#i'm trying very hard not to vent#but bpd means my body's trauma response to overwhelming emotion is anger#i really should invest in a punching bag#but hey! this is better than last time!#last time i had really bad depression trigger!#so!#i guess this is an improvement?
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the nice thing about drawing 'lineless' art is that I don't have to do lineart but I'd probably benefit from practicing drawing lineart
ah well
#my main issue I think is that my lineart always looks so stiff#aside from it also being kinda janky overall#learning to use line weight better would prob help#I mean I know the concepts it's a matter of applying them consistently#anyway ah well just gotta keep practicing I guess#really want to push myself to improve my art more bc I'm at the stage where I see the jankiness but my skill hasn't caught up yet haha#anyway it's fine I'm fine I just also love 2 complain#inverse problem.txt
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just had my midyear review and apparently i've impressed my boss with my knowledge of the program, of the tribes i work with and all their projects, and my ability to answer more in-depth things when the engineer i work with is out of range to answer and!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH#literally me earlier this week: i'm doing so bad i feel like i'm floundering all the time they're gonna put me on a pip soon#(performance improvement plan)#guESS NOT#he even said i'm an excellent candidate to get a higher mark (meaning extra bonus) at the end of the year reviews#but idk if i'll actually go for that#but it's good to know i would have his support if i do#talking tag
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Condoe Month Challenge Day 4 - Picnicking
Simple and sweet.
#finished art#condoe#condoe month challenge#chloe#persona#self insert#conductor#the conductor#ahit conductor#I did not mean to go so hard on this#but I am very happy with the result#also I didn't even reference the pose#it just CAME OUT of my BRAIN#which means improvement I guess#maybe I'm already learning from this challenge...
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