#so I'll actually be able to save money! and not worry about rent! and maybe even get a new car when Gwen finally kicks the bucket!

[pearl-kite]

I just got a part-time curriculum and instructional coach position

[casual-eumetazoa]

personal update under the cut

This week I've told my PhD supervisor that I'm quitting the program. I've spent the last few months really wanting to do this but also doing everything in my power to not quit. Quitting means I lose my only source of income (which was substantial), my medical insurance, and possibly my basis for getting citizenship. It's also throwing out two years worth of hard work and effort. But I just couldn't keep going cause my body and brain reached an absolute breaking point.

I got to the level of exhaustion where just getting out of bed to go to the bathroom was a difficult task. I absolutely couldn't do my work in this state and I've no idea how long it will take me to recover. My explanation is that I got myself right into another burnout and skill regression. It is awful. Every day I wake up tired and I have to put an enormous amount of effort into just taking care of myself, for example eating enough, keeping clean, not having anxiety attacks, etc.

My family doesn't really understand why I quit, they think it was a decision based off my interests and not my ability. And I mean, sure I lost interest in the PhD, but I lost interest in pretty much everything recently cause I just don't have capacity or energy to care. I'm quitting cause I cannot continue doing this, that's all. I can barely take care of myself as it is and I'm scared I will get myself into a state so bad I will not be able to communicate, eat properly, and so on. So I have to take a break or I will break myself beyond repair.

My partner understands and he is putting a lot of effort into taking care of me. I feel terrible about it cause I don't want to depend on him but as of now, I don't have any other choice. I just need to rest and try to get out of the burnout and hope I will get better soon. We have enough money in savings for 3-4 months of food and rent. After that, Ive no idea. One of us will need to get a job for sure and I hope it will be me but I don't know if I'll recover sufficiently by that point.

I'm really worried that my actual normal does not allow for any kind of meaningful employment other than maybe being self employed and picking my own hours. I'm worried that I'm just too disabled for work and not disabled enough for disability benefits. I'm an immigrant here as well and without having citizenship I don't know if I can even get benefits. Probably not. I'm angry at my brain and body for getting me into this mess and I don't know where to go from here. I guess I'm gonna post about it regardless, just as an outlet.

If anyone has advice on getting out of autistic burnout while also chronically ill and possibly having ADHD, I would highly appreciate it. I'm lost and pretty alone right now (except for my partner) so any kind of friendly words are welcome. Again, I've no idea where to go from here. For now I'm just resting and hoping for the best.

[dogfags]

blah blah journaling here bc my laptop still don't work

this week has been super stressful but my car is finally working again and it didn't cost as much as I thought. Chris and I had a little trial run of us living together bc he had to stay for a week to drive me around everywhere (bless him). praying he gets this job he just interviewed for so he can move in asap. and yes I have hangups about moving in with yet another partner after not dating for a total year but like 😭 dude idk how anybody can afford to live on their own. me and Tara can't make rent with just the 2 of us and it'd be really nice to be able to save some money. and after my car broke down I for sure couldn't afford to split the house bills 50/50. it was Tara's idea to invite Chris otherwise I never would have suggested it. and we both have our weird feelings and fears about it, to a healthy degree I'd say. I mean idk. my attitude rn is kinda like, I think I've already been through the worst it could possibly get with moving in with a partner? like there's no way it could be worse than That, even if we do break up. we have our own separate spaces also which was the only saving grace me and my ex had after we broke up so that's good. but I also just don't rly see things going so poorly. I mean idk. u never rly know somebody. but Chris just SEEMS different and has actually told me he wants to marry me and be with me forever etc. he is a more open and honest communicator than anyone else I've ever dated. won't be like my ex where he went off and binged a bunch of drugs then lied to me about it, bought a gun and brought it into our house, cheated on me, broke up w me then threatened me with suicide when I decided to move on. like actually fucking crazy person type shit. I can't believe I put up with so much in my last relationship. literally a nightmare. and I can't believe ppl were blaming ME for all that shit 😭 idfk dude. I'm so glad to be out of that situation and living my life now. as stressful as it is rn with school and work I'm still so much better off than I was. Chris is actually a huge sweetheart and shows me affection and loves me in the ways I need to be. and spends time with me. and talks to me lol. like I'm Sorry but after talking over all this with my therapist for so long I've kinda come to the conclusion that none of that shit was my fault. it sucks that some ppl got caught in the crossfire but again it wasn't my fault. I'll take ownership of going back on my word by sleeping w somebody at the house. that was shitty but also? maybe don't cheat on me and lie to me the entire relationship and I'd actually gaf 😭 he got his stupid little "revenge" for that anyway lmfao. I just fr cannot believe the shit I've been through with the awful awful people I've dated.

in an ideal world Chris and I could live on our own for a bit before we move in together but the job market is fucked, the housing market is fucked, and neither of us could rly afford to do that. sooo we just gunna have to move in together. and I was rly reluctant at first but everyone I've talked to has been super in support of it bc he's just such a good guy. plus we've been friends for a few years anyway so it's not like I started dating this stranger then he moved in. we used to talk semi regularly in college. would have hung out if I ever had time.

for a second I was worried I'm like, a bad person who does horrible things and I Have made bad choices don't get me wrong but like. I'm not evil or irredeemable. I have all these friends now who actually love me?? and I made them myself? wild. also quite literally everyone I've talked to about the past events have been like ya dude ur a victim 😭 I feel more guilty about the shit that happened w Friday than I do w my recent ex. bc some of that was objectively my fault bc I was in such a horrible manic episode I was acting crazy. they did kinda SA me but like. idk man. I'm insane sometimes.

the whole thing with that friend saying that "my stress is not their problem" kinda just. idk. idk if we will ever rly be close again. they kind of refused to apologize for anything they said to me or for screwing me over in housing. plus all the shitty posts they made about me. like idk. we talked it over irl and like kinda made up? but I still don't think she ever even said she's sorry lol. and for months I blamed myself for my ex being suicidal bc of all that. until my therapist and I went over it again and again and I've kinda just realized none of that was rly my fault. if anything staying with my ex after the first incident was my mistake. but I felt rly trapped bc we lived together. that's what is so hard about living with a partner especially when you haven't been with them super long. like idk. I have a good feeling abt Chris. I genuinely do want to spend my life with him. I never rly felt that way abt my ex. even when they were moving in I was like ya this is fine/fun for now. but I never felt like my ex was my soulmate or anything. not that I rly believe in that shit. but Chris and I just connect and get each other on a different level. it's the first time I've ever rly felt truly understood by someone.

the things I feel guilty for are more like, I feel guilty for staying with the people who hurt me even after I've already accepted in my mind that they aren't the one. and I do that bc I'm scared of being alone and scared of confronting myself and the reality that it's not a perfect love story or whatever. and my ex did try to fucking. reel me back in after we broke up and keep me there but not fully there. but I removed him from my life after I had had enough and I am proud of myself for that. I don't need someone like that in my life, even as a friend. wishing the best for u but I don't want to be there to see it. after Friday SAd me I should have just ended it but again I stayed bc I was scared. and what I feel most shame for is manically scrounging up a plan to break up without actually breaking up and then making a fool of myself by "proposing" like God that's just so embarrassing lol. but idk like my therapist said I can't fully blame myself for the decisions I make when I'm in a manic episode bc that's just straight up Not Me. like part of the diagnostic criteria for a manic episode is making choices you would not otherwise make. I'm not crazy. I was just deeply traumatized and triggered and couldn't find a way out of it. then ofc they tried to screw me over in every way possible. I make bad choices in people I date. and I look back and I'm like, but if I'm the common denominator of all these people I dated, aren't I the shitty one?? like surely I pushed these people to madness right lol like they weren't bad people they just became corrupted bc I forced them into craziness. idkkkk my therapist also says I can't look at it like that. and that people with lifelong CPTSD often end up in abusive relationships bc of trauma and patterns and shit. so. there's that

while I am wary of possibly repeating my shitty patterns I also just have a good feeling about Chris. I'm at a point in my life where I'm done dating "for fun" like I actually want to find someone to spend my life with now. and I think he could be it. like idk people are like "when u know u know" and I just Know with him. he's such a good person, basically everything I've ever wanted out of a partner. he's smart as fuck and creative and interesting and sweet and loves my friends and has a lot of his own friends and we have similar ways of thinking and want the same things out of life. same lifestyles and same plans for our futures. he's highly emotionally intelligent and I feel like he'd never lie to me. I can trust him. he's always there for me. he's very helpful and never complains about helping me. he helps without even being asked. like mans fr just did our dishes. and I KNOW THE BAR IS IN HELL but fr lmao. I was a little apprehensive at first about dating, and I'm a little apprehensive about moving in together, but my gut says this is right and will help us both out a lot financially. and emotionally tbh.

so yea those are my updates. hopefully he gets this job and then can move in in September. and then I just have 6 months of school left. it feels like I have to grind forever for the rest of my life but it won't be forever. I just gotta get through this and it'll all be worth it. blaaaghdjdnns

[bugtownthepodcast]

EPISODE 1: PILOT- THE SEVENTH OF JUNE IS OUT NOW

Transcript for the episode under the cut

Click

Bug: Okay, Bug, you've got this. How does this thing work?

Multiple Clicks, clunking sounds etc.

Bug: Come on, you stupid thing, work! Why won't-

Bug: Oh. It's... already recording. Stupid. Let's try this again.

Click

Bug (in fake-cheerful voice): Hi everyone! My name is Bug Whitlock. My pronouns are they/them... I think. Today is my eighteenth birthday. Yay!

Bug (in their normal voice): God, that sounds awful.

Click

Bug: Hi, I'm Bug. Errr... as of today, I am eighteen. I have black hair and brown eyes. I moved into my new flat today, where I found this super-old tape recorder and decided to find out if it works, because why not. Also, journaling is supposedly good for your mental health or something, so... yeah.

A short pause

Bug: Man, this is stupid. I mean, it's not like anyone is going to hear this, so what's the point of it anyway. Just... talk into a recorder?

Bug: Ah, forget it.

Click

Click

Bug: Okay, so this might sound stupid, but I feel like I should finish this entry at least. So, what did I do today? I spent about six hours on the train ride here, then I got lost multiple times, since Pottersburgh is a pretty city, but also one that's quite difficult to navigate. I spent about five minutes just (chuckles) standing in front of my landlords apartment and contemplating all of my life choices leading up to this point, before I went in and got the key to this apartment. Then I started unpacking my stuff, before I found the recorder... Yeah, that's about it.

Short silence.

Bug: I have a bit of money saved up, but since I'll need groceries and stuff, I'll only be able to pay the rent for about... two months? So I, er, have to find a job fast, otherwise I'd have to go back. And we don't want that!

A small laugh that sounds more desperate than amused

Bug: Shit, this whole thing was a terrible decision. Maybe if I'd just stayed, I- it-

A short pause

Bug: Wait. What was that?

Distant voices

Bug: I thought the other flat was empty, but someone is yelling. I- I can't quite make it out, but something about... rats? And... about children.

The voices continue, before staying quiet.

Bug: It stopped. I should- I should probably go investigate to make sure that everyone's okay and stuff.

Short Silence.

Bug: But... what if it's just the tv? I don't know the situation and I don't wanna be intruding or annoying, I just moved in, I...

But if someone's in danger, and I do nothing-

Short pause

Bug: Wait here a minute.

They snort.

Bug: I'm talking to a recorder like it's a person. That's, like, super weird.

A short pause.

Bug: Wait a minute.

Click

Click

Bug (in a shaky voice): Okay, so... I went downstairs and knocked. I was kinda worried that I'd be intruding in some personal stuff, but nobody answered. So I knocked again, no answer. But then I noticed that the door wasn't locked and I opened it, looked inside and...

They gulp.

Bug: Nothing. It was dusty, like really dusty. Nobody has been there for at least ten years, and there was certainly no one there a few minutes ago, or there would've been footprints. I went through the whole apartment, it has the same layout as mine. Absolutely nothing, except for dust and dead flies. But I heard a voice just now, it's gotta be on the recording.

A shaky laugh

Bug: I mean, there's gotta be a rational explanation. It's just... not possible, right? Maybe I misheard and it's actually a noise that came from the next house. Or... maybe I fell asleep for a second. It's nothing. Probably.

A pause.

Bug: I'm just... scared. Because I mean- I need this to work. 'Cause if it doesn't, then all that secret planning, all that money I saved, then that would have been for nothing. And I would have to go back home. And I just...

A sob.

Bug: I thought that if I just got here everything would be okay, but it's not. I'm scared, and alone, and now I'm apparently hallucinating voices. That are talking about rats, of all things. Why am I even still talking into this thing? I am sitting on the floor and I am narrating my feelings into an old-timey recorder that doesn't even belong to me. Look at me, I'm Bug Whitlock and I'm unable to do anything without feeling sorry for myself , apparently.

A pause

Bug: Focus on the good things, Bug. I am in my new home. I have some money saved up, not much, but it's there. If everything went according to plan, my parents have no idea where I am right now. I am a legal adult who can make their own decisions. I am not at my parents house anymore. Deep breaths. Deep breaths, Bug.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

They sigh.

Bug: It's getting late, I should probably go to bed. This won't lead to anything.

Silence, then knocking.

Bug: Who the-

Rustling, then a click.

Click.

Bug: Okay, so... this dude just knocked. He said that his name was Jay and that he lived in the apartment above mine. He'd seen that I just moved in and wanted to bring me some risotto he made. He also had a really cool cane, it had birds and stuff all around.

Sniffling.

Bug: I'm actually kind of getting emotional over this right now. It's just... really nice, you know? I mean, he doesn't even know me. It just means a lot.

A short pause.

Bug: Also, this risotto smells, like, really good. I mean, yeah, you can't really tell, since this is a recording, but this snell is heavenly, it's like paradise for tastebuds. Man, Jay really knows how to make risotto. I owe him my life.

Short pause

Bug: Also, I just realized that I haven't eaten anything today. Errr, so... that's not good.

They laugh nervously.

Bug: I didn't really drink anything either. No wonder I'm such a wreck today.

A short pause

Bug: I'm going to eat the risotto now and then I'll go to sleep. I'll have to go grocery shopping tomorrow, since I don't have any food right now or furniture- I'm literally sleeping in a sleeping bag in the middle of my living room. But I hope to change that as soon as I'm earning a bit of money. Finding a job is... also on my to-do list, heh.

A short pause

Bug: Well, then, good night. I'll try to make another entry tomorrow. Bye!

Click

Click

Bug: Me again, half an hour later. I think I might've found something.

The sound of paper rustling

Bug: So, when I searched the empty apartment earlier, I found a piece of paper that was completely crumpled up. I didn't think it was important, but I took it with me anyway. I just looked at it, and it's a list of names, adresses and ages. All of them children. One is five years old, one is seven, one's ten... And then- here- the date of their dissappearance. The oldest one is about a year ago, and the newest one is... the twenty-first of june. In fourteen days. What does this mean? Is this... the calendar of a serial kidnapper?

A short pause

Bug: What did I get myself into?

Click

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Sunday 25th December 11.32pm

I had come here last night to post the first picture I've put on the end of this post. The handwritten thing. But before I was going to do that, I read your post from Christmas Eve. Please don't apologise for posting late, it's absolutely okay. I understand you may have been busy or needed some time to process things after your doctor's appointment.

I read everything you said about when you were sick and in hospital. I am so so sorry you had to go through that all. That all sounds so terrifying and really bizzare how it just happened like that. I really hope you are feeling at least a little better now and I'm glad that the clots are gone. I will admit, I did worry a little about you. Just as long as you're okay and it's nothing really serious or harmful. As long as they can do something for it and help you or at least make you more comfortable. I am however glad that it helped you figure out some other things in your life and I am truly so thankful that they managed to make you at least a bit better now. I know the prospect of surgery might be scary, but if you need it, it could be the best thing for you. I wish I could be there to hold your hand through every appointment, every test, all of it. The MRI part does not sound fun at all and I would have been annoyed and frustrated with that too. Can't believe they made you sit about for 20 minutes doing weird breathing shit and didn't even make sure they had the most important stuff done first!!

My Christmas party was a lot of fun. I ended up meeting some friends at a pub nearby after and we had a great time too. I will say, I did get a lot of compliments on how I looked that night. It made me really shy and giggly because I'm really not used to it. Reading you calling me beautiful made me blush so hard. Especially when you said about my eyes maybe being more beautiful with my glasses haha. I always think I look nerdy with them. I think my heart actually skipped a beat too, when I imagined you saying that I'm beautiful in your voice. Is it weird that I sometimes read your posts in your voice? Is it weird I still remember exactly what you sound like? I don't think my memory would ever compare to the real thing though..

I did however find out the day before the party that unfortunately I'm going to be laid off as of 6th January. I was really upset about it, but it's not just me. There's lots of other people who will be out of a job too. I guess they are cutting back on staff and trying to save money, which really sucks. But I've been doing my best to apply for new jobs and try and secure something soon before my current job ends. It's sad that it's happening, but maybe a new beginning is what I need. Maybe a new start in the new year will do me good. I do have a job interview on 4th January actually, my neighbour (who is a really cool person) actually helped me get the interview as they work there. It's just an office job taking calls, but it's more money than what I'm earning now and they said it's a not bad place to work. Even if I take it for a little while and then find something else that I really want to do while I'm there, just something to pay the bills and help me save money. I have my London trip planned for August, but I also have a few other things/places I would like to go next year too, so I need to keep money coming in to be able to do those. And pay my rent/bills lol

My Christmas was okay. A family member said some things I don't think they realised was quite hurtful to me. But I'm not letting them get to me. They're not worth the energy of me getting upset over it. I did however get to spend time with my younger sister and my niece and nephew. I really enjoyed that part of the day. And I got some new boots and some Jack Daniels too! Haha. I'll post a picture of those too, so you can see them.

Your post was an amazing Christmas surprise for me. I smiled the whole time I read it, even if I maybe also shed a few tears. I really hope you can manage to find a new job that's suitable for you in the new year. I remember you telling me years ago that you really loved space and that you thought about doing astrophysics before. If that's what you want to do, I say go for it my darling. I think you'd be amazing at it. I'm so proud of you for taking the initiative to try and do what you want, even relearning things you need to again and doing it all on your own. I'm so fucking incredibly proud, you've no idea. Of course I keep up with all the news, you know I enjoy space and all that too. I actually have a huge tapestry in my bedroom of the moon and some of the constellations and galaxies on it. Believe it or not, but it's actually ones from the southern hemisphere. I only realised that a few months ago and I've had it for a couple years now nearly. Fuck it, I'll post a picture of that too. I dunno, I just feel like showing you things today. There's so much I wish I could show you and tell you and do with you.

Being a mixologist sounds like fun! I bet you were really good at it too. I'm really sorry that you can't return to it, but you're going to do so many more great things and have so many more passions and things you're good at. I'd absolutely love if you made me a cocktail one day hehe. I have a few favourites that I'd probably consider, but I'd probably just tell you to make me anything you like, something you really enjoy making. And I bet I'd love it. I think just being in your presence would be good enough for me. I'd just be pleased at that and wouldnt ask for anything more. I'd probably just watch you make it for me and have the biggest grin on my face the whole time haha.

I hope your Christmas was good too and that you had the most amazing day, filled with all the laughter and happiness you deserve. And I hope you spent it with people who cherish and love you as much as I do.

I am still totally in awe at how well you know me and remember things about me..

That when you wrap me round your fingers baby... And you make me do that shit I never do... And you pick me up on Sauchiehall Street... I know I want you to myself again

(P.S the second picture of my tapestry where it's all lit up purple from the LED's on my TV? I just took it right now. Its exactly what I'm looking at right now as I type this..)

[cesium-sheep]

it occurs to me that I have never had reason to worry about arin pushing herself for money. she pushes herself for a lot of other things, but never for money, for good and for ill. when it was just the two of us, me also having some kind of actual income still would've been really helpful for the household, but it never would've made her push herself any less. if anything it may have made her push herself more, because more of her is freed up to charge forward whenever I'm able to help out at home in whatever form that takes. and she's specifically pushing herself for a career that's going to make plenty of money for both of us, for all three of us, so money issues have been ever present but they've never been expected to be like, long term.

so I think the fact that matt does push himself for money, a pragmatic decision but not one I like, adds a new angle of concern to the whole va appeal thing. because if I get disability compensation, he genuinely might push himself less. and yeah, arin should be making enough money for all three of us a few years down the line, but. she also doesn't push herself for money. it's not her goal. so it's not exactly the same kind of security as "oh. someone else paid rent this month, I can put that money into savings instead. that's one month down the line I don't have to bust my ass if I don't want to. and they'll have the money to pay rent next month too whether I do or not."

I miss being in charge of the finances tbh. but also I haven't like, earned access to matt's finances beyond what he chooses to share, yknow? maybe if I had something to contribute too it would be different. and arin's elected to do her own thing while she's not living here so I lost the access I had, which makes sense cuz I'm literally not in her house. maybe when all three of us are in the same place again we can make a household account everyone pays into for bills and stuff (or that they both pay into, if I lose my appeal) and I'll have access to at least keep track of it all. household accounting is something I'm still able to do, I'm good at it and it's like, genuinely nice for everyone involved to have it centralized.

[naturesgender]

FUCK i wish i had MORE MONEY!!!! there are so many cool clothes and pieces of jewelry and art and decor and furniture that i want to own and tattoos and piercings i want to get and so many causes i want to support and donate to and so many gifts i want to give my loved ones but i am not at Stable Job Time and i am more concerned about spending my own money on nice things for myself (and even on essentials) than maybe i ought to be?? my dad still doesn't have a job and it's been over a year and i graduate undergrad after this year so i'm getting concerned about wanting to save my money for after college but like. i'll be able to get a non work study limited job then. and my parents have specified they're not gonna make me pay rent or anything so i'll be able to save while i work if i live at home for a while after graduating (which. would feel Ways /pos /neg /???). i realistically do not need to worry as much as i am but i am also painfully aware of the limits on how much money i can make right now and how little concrete number information i actually have about my family's finances. aaaaugh curse you Worries About Everything disorder and grocery inflation. anyway like if read

[fugitive-96]

Adult content (A TG/TF Possession story)

"I can't believe you dragged me to this thing."

"Well I don't drive Arthur, you do." Josh replied.

"Then get a license, I doubt you care about carbon emissions or any of that seeing as you never clean."

Arthur didn't particularly like his roommate Josh, he was a slob and left it to Arthur to maintain their flat. The most he saw of him was either when he was using the kitchen or giving him his half of the rent. He'd offered to pay Arthur if he drove him to a convention that was a few hours away from their flat, Arthur figured he could use the money and maybe he'd actually have a good time, he didn't care for Josh but he liked conventions, albeit when he saw what this one was he wasn't all too pleased.

"C'mon what's the look for?"

"I figured this would be some kind of nerdy convention that I could actually enjoy, but this is a porn convention."

"Hey, I prefer adult entertainment convention, besides are you seriously telling me you don't like the sights?" Josh said gesturing around to the various stalls with attractive adult stars.

"Sure but there's a thing called the internet, I'd rather not see this shit in public." Arthur said looking around at the crowds.

"Maybe you should just go back to the car then." Josh replied. "It's so late that everywhere else here is shut, I'd just be waiting around with nothing to do, plus did you forget that you'd offered to pay me more if I came in with you?"

"Oh right, yeah."

"Besides you said you were only here to see one person so I figured we wouldn't be here long."

"You're telling me you want to rush out, after spending hours driving here?"

"I like driving, a lot more than being in this sweat filled hellhole, now c'mon let's get to whoever you're here to see."

"Oh yeah, Angela White." Josh said with a grin.

"She's this Aussie star who's kinda thick, trust me wait till you see her." Josh said, his description causing Arthur to frown in disgust.

"TMI mate."

--

"Well, here we are." Josh said as they reached her stall, although it appeared to be empty save for a poster of her.

"Seriously, she's not even here! There's no one around this area either, she must have come and gone by now." Arthur said angrily.

"Don't worry, she'll be here soon." Josh said pulling a scroll out of his bag.

"Okay man, what the fuck is that." Arthur said through a chuckle at how ridiculous his overweight roommate looked with the crinkled roll of paper.

"This is an ancient scroll of great power, I researched it online."

"You can not be serious?" Arthur said through another chuckle.

"How would you even get something like that, that'd be some priceless artefact in a museum or something, would you even be able to unroll it, let alone read it?"

"This is just a copy of the original scroll text, I got it on eBay." Josh responded.

"Ah, you got it on eBay. Of course, of course you did, where else would you get it?" Arthur said exaggeratingly slapping his forehead in disbelief. He couldn't believe he'd driven for hours just to end up standing in the middle of a porn convention with his roommate holding an ancient scroll. This whole scenario was ridiculous.

"Look, you've clearly got some.. stuff going on. I think I've changed my mind, I'll just leave you and your scroll be and wait in the car." Arthur said turning to leave

"Stay and I'll pay you more, this won't take long." Josh quickly stammered out causing Arthur to reluctantly turn back.

"It's said to summon a demon spoken of in ancient books, hieroglyphics, cave paintings even depicted them. They're said to be the embodiment of lust and dark desire, able to shape the mind and form into anything it wishes. Legends spoke of great orgies held to honor this demon, with it corrupting temples and places of worship, whole civilizations falling to its power, with its impression on humanity living on to this day."

"Huh, why don't I remember that from history class?" Arthur said sarcastically, he couldn't believe Josh was taking this all so seriously.

"So this great evil, demon or whatever did all this and its power is still felt today, how exactly? Just because people still fuck?"

"That, S&M, who knows, all I know is with this scroll I can summon her." Josh replied.

"Her, of course its a her, why didn't that occur to me? Sure, go ahead man, if she's done what you say then summoning her sounds like a great idea. *Christ this guy needs to get out more, he's trying to summon a girlfriend.*" Arthur was still stunned that Josh took this so seriously, to the point that he couldn't pick up on the clear sarcasm in Arthur's voice.

"Oh great one, I summon you forth, use this vessel I have provided for you and shape it into the form that surrounds us." Josh said gesturing to Arthur before then gesturing to the poster of Angela White.

"I can't believe I live with this guy." Arthur said muffled by him double facepalming himself.

"Come forth demon! Come forth and reclaim your place within the mortal realm!" Josh yelled looking up with his arms out.

Nothing happened for several seconds, then a single light in the ceiling briefly flickered, followed by nothing else.

"Pretty sure that thing needs new batteries." Arthur said looking up at it during the period of silence, before seeing Josh panicking as he mumbled to himself looking at the scroll.

"Seriously, you're surprised nothing happened? Even if demon summoning was real that was a pretty shit séance or whatever you call it, maybe you were missing the candles or some crap like that." Arthur said throwing in some sarcastic constructive criticism with his last comment. He sighed to himself no longer finding Josh's behavior funny or even embarrassing, he was just tired of it and even pitied the guy a bit.

"Alright, how about we head out of here now." Arthur was about to turn to leave but stopped dead in his tracks after hearing his voice which had Josh looking up with a joyful grin. He'd spoken with an Australian accent.

"What the hell is this? What did you do to my voice?!" He said in an angry yet panicked tone with his new voice as he approached Josh.

He only made it a few feet before he felt his body jolt causing him to nearly trip. As he straightened himself up he suddenly felt a lot more weight on his body, both front and back. He then looked down to see a pair of breasts hanging off his chest, then turning around and feeling his expanded ass behind him, in fact his whole body frame was now feminine.

"W.. what the fuck! What's happening to me?!" Arthur said with mumbled panic as his voice raised into a more feminine tone as he looked down horrified, before taking in that his hands were becoming daintier whilst his nails lengthened and gained red polish.

"Ah god!" He exclaimed still with an Australian accent as he stumbled around on the spot, his thighs jiggling as they gained mass along with his hips expanding, thickening his already feminine form.

"Stop this! Please!" He wailed at Josh before looking down to see his shoes were gone, replaced with shiny pink heels. His jeans then suddenly tore away from the reshaping of his legs revealing thigh high pink boots.

"God.. uuah! uuUAAAH!" He moaned from the sensations of his shifting form as his breasts and ass began to expand further, gradually pumping themselves out in a rhythmic thrust whilst his penis and genitals receded further into his body, gently pleasuring the newly forming vagina. The rest of his body also thickened slightly with each movement. As his body expanded his dirty blonde hair also began gradually lengthening out with each thrust of his chest and ass, as the tips darkened into a black colour that gradually spread up to his scalp. The same went for his head and face which with each thrust crunched and shifted, his jaw thinning whilst his cheekbones emerged, along with his lips puffing out whilst his eyes and eyebrows expanded.

His breasts were expanding to such a large size that his shirt ripped open, only for it to reveal a necklace as well as a tight pink latex dress hugging his thick curves that squeaked with his body's movements, before a set of matching pink belts slithered out from behind him and around his waist. His jacket also slid partway off his shoulders as it rolled over itself, shifting and contorting into a pink fur jacket that left his shoulders bare.

With his original clothes completely gone and his form no longer resembling his former self Arthur continued his feminine moans through the last few crunches, squelches and rubbery squeaks of his body. A final few crunches were heard as his head shape finished adjusting whilst his breasts ceased their expansion, the formerly visible bulge in the skirt of his dress now having been completely enveloped along with his hair now having fully lengthened into a ponytail that wrapped his hair tightly against the top of his head, showing off its new shape. With a blink his lips became a glossy pink whilst makeup materialized around his eyes.

With that where Arthur once stood was now the form of Angela White encased head to toe in pink, panting from the ordeal of the transformation.

"You're so fucking hot." Josh said practically drooling at the sight in from of him.

"You.. freak! Change.. me back!" Arthur stammered out as he tried to catch his breath.

"Oh crap, I must have only formed the vessel, she still needs to enter it." Josh blurted out looking quickly back at the scroll.

"Give me that scroll before.. I kill you!" Arthur blurted out standing on shaky legs as he attempted to charge at Josh, only for his unfamiliarity with his new form to best him as he tripped over, his fall cushioned by his chest.

"Ah, here it is." Josh said pointing his hand at Arthur who was getting back up with rage filled eyes.

"Feel her." Josh said, the words echoing around Arthur's head causing him to stumble backwards.

"Wh- what are you.. doing..?" Arthur stammered as his mind became foggy.

"Feel her!" Josh said only slightly louder, but the words echoed loudly in Arthur's head.

"Oh god.. I feel her!" Arthur said, his voice being a mix of fear and awe as he looked up around him.

"My head she's- oh! OH!" Arthur's voice grew excited with pleasure as he began running his hands over his head then down the rest of his body, Josh standing back bewildered as to what would happen next.

"She's so.. tight! God! So good! Ah! I! CUMMING!" Arthur screamed and moaned out the last of his words before he took a quick breath as his posture relaxed.

"Mmm... I am.. Angela. I am here to serve..." She said through a moan, her voice oozing with lust.

"Oh yeah! You'll be my loyal servant for all eternity." Josh said proudly through heavy breaths still in the rush of the situation.

"Of course, Mast.." Angela suddenly stopped mid sentence.

"Mast... *giggle!*" She tried again before covering her mouth as to not laugh, Josh frowning at why she was acting this way.

"Hahahaha! You seriously thought that would work?! You're probably one of the seven people in this day and age who even knows what I am, and you thought I'd just be your glorified slave! Hahahah! *wheeze!* Oh this is too good!" She said through hysterical laughter turning Josh red with embarrassment.

"S.. stop. I command you! I gave you this vessel, you owe me!" He yelled desperately.

"Oh. My. God! I'll never get over that! You really thought I'd just be a slave to you? And what's with the 'I owe you'? I'm not a genie you simpleton." Angela's tone varied from hysterical to incredibly aggressive and menacing.

"And for your information, the being with whom I share this vessel with is now in a mutual relationship with me, he's loving how all this.. feels right now." She said running her hands over herself again.

"He's awake, he's aware, I just made a couple tweaks to him so he'll be comfortable. He's the one who made the sacrifice here, I owe him, not you, especially as he was unwilling." Angela snapped at Josh who was silent with fear.

"Back in the day you were all savages but you at least had willing vessels for me, you tricked this guy into it. Sure I've done a lot in my time that was destructive and ruined lives, but when it comes to summoning me that's a rule that can't be disobeyed. Who knows, maybe a bit of him has rubbed off on me with my anger toward you. Either way, you're mine now."

With a point of her finger Josh's phone flew out of his pocket and into her hands.

"My my… There's a lot to go off here. Oh she's a nice one, she's got some massive ones! I think I'd like to see more of her." Angela said whilst looking at photos of various women Josh had been gawking at on social media.

Josh tried to run but without even needing to look at him Angela made another wave with her hand freezing him in place, arms and legs spread as he was levitated into the air in front of her.

"You see one such as myself cannot survive for so many centuries without varying my ways every now and then. I like to have fun, prey on those I encounter in whichever way is fitting. Some would call me an angel for saving them from miserable fates, others would call me a demon for condemning them to what they saw as undesirable forms of existence. Either way I don't see what's wrong with suddenly giving someone a nice pair of tits." Angela said eagerly

With a snap of her fingers her wardrobe suddenly changed to an all-red version of her previous outfit but with a now matching jacket.

"Mmm.. red was always more my colour." She said inspecting herself.

Josh knew he was trapped and started yelling at the top of his lungs.

"Screaming for help? Oh please no one can see us, I've put us in our own little corner of reality, no one can see or hear us, and anyone that comes by will simply go straight through us, not seeing or feeling anything. Now, you wanted me to be your slave, you've all but chosen your fate then."

With that Angela snapped her fingers again and all of Josh's clothes vanished as a set of straps materialized around his wrists, thighs, waist and neck, along with his body being covered from the neck down by a shiny black bodysuit.

"You... can't.." he barely squeezed the words out through his restraints.

"..Do this? I've heard that so many times before but always wondered what exactly they're referring to, did you mean this?" With a twist of her wrist Josh's body fat vanished causing him to convulse from the sudden shift in his body mass which the bodysuit accommodated for.

"Or did you mean this?" She twisted her hand again and Josh's body hair vanished, along with him gaining a slight tan to his now unblemished skin.

"You know what, I think this was what you were referring to." Angela said and with that began making new hand motions whilst still looking at Josh's phone.

The straps violently tugged on Josh, compressing his waist into an incredibly thin form whilst expanding out slightly at the thighs, whilst his wrist and neck restraints tightened with his hands suddenly shrinking into daintier forms whilst his neck thinned causing his Adams apple to vanish raising his voice.

With more hand motions a loud squelching and churning could be heard as Josh's flesh and bone rearranged, his shoulders caving inwards whilst his limbs thinned into a more athletic feminine build. Smaller cracks and pops could be heard from his head as his skull and facial features rearranged into a more delicate form, a moan escaping from his lips as they puffed out.

Any thoughts of fear, in fact any thoughts at all had been eradicated from Josh's mind, he couldn't even remember his name anymore, all he could feel was pleasure as he heard a rumbling from his chest before a pair of breasts erupted outwards.

"Oooh fuck..." Josh moaned to himself in a feminine tone feeling the sensitivity of his new body, along with his ass easing its way outwards whilst his erect penis gradually retracted into him.

"Mmh.. harder.." He quietly cooed to himself as the final part of his penis remained, before his new pair of breasts suddenly tripled in size causing the remains of his manhood to be abruptly sucked up inside him, the new mass on his chest barely being contained by the bodysuit as the zip was forced open. As this occurred longer hair abruptly erupted from his scalp, wrapping itself into a ponytail.

"Mmmmh.." The final changes occurred as his newly feminized face gained makeup along with his nails gaining a red polish, any trace of Josh being gone with now a new woman remaining.

For a moment Angela played around with her new toy, running her fingers through the air sending ripples of pleasure through the new woman's body, before lowering her to the ground where she sat with her hands on her knees.

"There we are, a good submissive and attractive servant, just what you wanted Josh." Angela chuckled to herself before snapping her fingers again, teleporting the two of them to an expensive looking apartment.

"This is the home of a wealthy dominatrix, you'll serve her well." Angela said but the former Josh just sat there staring vacantly, she was now an empty shell waiting to serve her new mistress.

"Now, you sit there quietly like a good girl and I'll be off. Places to go, people to 'adjust'." Angela said beginning to walk out of the room before taking a look back at the silent woman sat with a slight pleasured look on her face.

"God you turned out beautiful, I think a few more people would suit that form of yours." and with that she snapped her fingers a final time and vanished.

To be continued...

[johnsamericano]

𝔖𝔲𝔤𝔞𝔯 ℜ𝔲𝔰𝔥 𝔧.𝔧.𝔥 •2•

Hi hi! I'm back with another chapter. This one might not be as good(?, it's a really fluffy chapter so bear with me.

warnings: sugar daddy jae, he's a big baby, tooth rotting, kinda long.

sugar rush m.list.

taglist: @thoreeo @trustmahluv @sunny-nyu @nanascupid @silent-potato

“Sir, there’s a girl asking to see you.”

“Hey, I’m not a girl!” He chuckled as his finger pressed the button to communicate with his secretary.

“Hey, I’m not a girl!” He chuckled as his finger pressed the button to communicate with his secretary.

“Hey, I’m not a girl!” He chuckled as his finger pressed the button to communicate with his secretary.

“Let her in.”

Only a few seconds later, your head was peeking through his door.

“I brought you coffee.” You extended your hand out, showing him the carton containing two iced drinks. “Are you busy?”

“Not at all, come in.” You sat on the elegant, individual sofa in front of him, his desk serving as a separation. “Are you here to spy on me? Don't you trust me with your father's case?” He pouted, typing something in his keyboard while your palms started sweating.

How could you not trust the man with the highest case winning index in the whole country?

Briefly, after your encounter with the other lawyer, you'd googled him as well as his company. Because of his incredibly high fees, he didn't have many clients, but those few who had enough money to cost him were almost assured to be on the winning side. So then, why hadn't an excellent lawyer like him popped up when you'd first looked for popular firms? Simple, he wasn't popular.

Just like a hidden gem, only a few had the pleasure to know Yoonoh, and you felt beyond grateful for paying that stupid membership weeks ago.

“No, no!” You were quick to defend yourself, frantically shaking your hands to support your previous statement. “Just wanted to be of help.”

Truth to be told, after receiving your first weekly allowance, an unsettling feeling had been squeezing your heart ever since. Call it guilt or whatever, but it didn't set right to be receiving si much help from him when you hadn't had the chance to do anything in return. The least you could do was trying to be polite.

“You shouldn't be spending your money on me. I'm the one supposed to spoil you, remember?” He grabbed the plastic container by the lid, sipping the bitter liquid with an amused smile. “But thank you.”

“I paid my rent yesterday.” You blurted out, trying to avoid the uncomfortable silence threatening to settle between the two of you. “And I still have money left to save for my father's hospital bills, maybe even buy a present for my aunt.”

He admired how noble you were, making sure those around you had enough before even thinking to do something for yourself.

“I have a party this Friday, would you like to attend with me?” Your presence wasn't required as it wasn't a big event, but by the look in your eyes, he knew you were itching to do something in return for his kindness.

“Yes, of course!” Your orbs sparkled with excitement, finally feeling yourself useful.

“If you don't mind waiting, we can go buy something for you to wear right after I finish with this.” For what seemed like the tenth time in less than ten minutes, small beads of sweat rolled down the back of your neck. Thank God he wasn't able to see them. “Oh, come on, don't give me that look!”

“You’ve already done so much for me. I can buy the clothes myself, don't worry.” With a deep sigh, Yoonoh rose from his chair, taking long strides to surround the desk separating you. “W-what are you doing?” Now kneeling on the floor beneath you, his face was dangerously close to yours, coffee breath crashing against your nose.

“Using mind control to convince you to let me take you out.” He stared at you for a couple more seconds before saying: “Is it working?”

“I think your mind control is broken.” You whisper, unable to hold back the small giggles bubbling at the back of your throat.

“How about now?” He batted his eyelashes, trying to act cute despite his bold features. You shook your head.

Just as you thought it was over, his hand went up to cup your jaw, his thumb drawing uneven figures on the ticklish skin.

“How about now?” He repeated. You stammered, unsure of what to say. “Sorry, that was inappropriate.” Aware of your awkwardness and the rising heat in your cheeks, he stood up, walking back to his chair. “But I do want to get you something, would you let me?”

With your mind busy and your guard low, you nodded, unaware of the silly smile on his face.

“I have a few novels on my shelf in case you want something to kill time.”

“Thank you.” You moved to the huge bookshelf facing his desk, grateful your face wasn't visible anymore.

The books were ordered by genre and size, starting from the biggest law-related textbooks to pocket-sized novels, ending with the smallest one he had. The little prince.

Your eyes widened in disbelief. Yoonoh didn't seem to be the type to read that kind of heartbreaking yet beautiful book. Nonetheless, as many said, you can't judge a book by its cover.

An hour or two later, you were halfway into the first book of flowers in the attic, immersed in the small world the author had created. Yoonoh had finished his work a few minutes before, but distracting you when you were reading so vividly, seemed like a crime. He enjoyed the way your eyebrows would knit together every time something shocking happened, clearly too immersed in the novel to notice his intense gaze.

“Y/n...” He whispered once he noticed you were starting a new chapter. You blinked twice, hands clutching the book tightly as you noticed he had finished his work. “You can take it home, don't worry.”

“Sure?” He flashed his pretty dimples as his eyes turned into half-moons.

“You can come back for the rest of the saga when you finish this one. Take as many books as you please, I’ve already read them all.”

“Thank you.” Another act of kindness you had no way of returning. His favors just seemed to be piling up before you could even return any. “Would you like to have dinner with me today? I'm a great cook, or so did my father said.” You blurted out quickly, twisting your hands nervously as you waited for an answer.

“I’d love to. But I might have to attend some work calls if you don't mind.”

“I don't, maybe I'll even have time to bake a cake while you're at it.” God, how bad he wanted to take a picture of that adorably nervous smile.

“Great, so it's settled. Dinner at your place after we go shopping.” He had already put his blazer on, offering his arm to guide you out. With shaky fingers and sweaty armpits, you grabbed it, walking by his side with his secretary’s gazed glued on you. So much for a girl, huh?

Once seated in his car, with the book resting on your lap, you allowed yourself to relax. Yoonoh wasn't a bad person, on the contrary, he was very kind, so there was no use in keeping your guard up when he was around.

“Ready to roll?” You cringed at his use of slang, making him drop his head back to laugh. “What? Isn't it a thing you cool young adults say?”

“Maybe twenty years ago, Yoonoh.” It was the very first time you used his name so informally, and, oh how good it felt to hear you saying it?

“Fine, I won't use it anymore.” He poked your arm like a little child, and for a moment, you wondered if he was actually more than a decade older.

Several bad jokes, two dresses, and a quick stop at the grocery store later, you arrived at your apartment. Yoonoh held everything while you entered the passcode, struggling not to drop a can of vegetables that was starting to bend the edge of the paper bag.

“Ready, hand me something.” You both entered with your hands packed with different things. You went to your room to leave the new dresses while Yoonoh set the paper bags down on the kitchen counter.

“So...” He clapped loudly. “What are we cooking?”

“I bought the ingredients for lasagna. Is that okay with you?” He nodded, lips pressed and dimples in display. “Alright, let's do this.”

It would've been of great help if Yoonoh had told you he didn't know how to cook. But of course, part of the fault was yours for not noticing when he tried to add ketchup to the recipe.

“I burnt it.” He looked at the semi-carbonized pasta with disgust, feeling ashamed of having ruined your dish. “Let’s just throw it away and order something.” He was about to touch the hot container until your grip on his wrist halted his movements.

“We just pulled it out of the oven.” You shook your head in disbelief at the man standing in front of you.

“Sorry.”

Despite Yoonoh’s endless complaining, you ate the lasagna. The flavor wasn't that bad when you scratched off the burnt parts, especially when accompanied by a cold glass of wine.

“It’s not that bad.” You repeated over and over again. A phone call interrupted him from self-pitying any further. “Go on, take it.” You continued eating while he spoke in the living room.

It wasn't until a couple of minutes later that you realized he was whisper yelling at whoever was on the other line. It was your first time seeing him angry, and you didn't like it one bit. The way his face turned completely stoic, his eyes cold as his hand rested on his hip. Sweet, caring, Yoonoh was gone.

“I told you I needed it for today.” He said through gritted teeth. “You better get it before I arrive back at the office, or you can find yourself another job.” Even after he hung up, Yoonoh stood in the middle of the shared area, clutching his phone so tightly, it seemed like it would break any minute.

You wanted to ask if everything was alright, if he needed any help, but most importantly, if the things he needed were related to your father's case, but all the words stuck to your throat like insects in a spider web.

“I need to go.” He simply said, not even bothering to fake a smile. “Thank you for dinner, I'll see you on Friday.” With his free hand, he grabbed the coat hanging from his chair and left, slamming the door on his way out.

Was that the real Yoonoh?

A shiver ran down your spine. What had you gotten into? From what you'd seen, it was only about time he would show his true self to you as well.

All the trust you'd built up during the day, had crumbled down in a matter of seconds. The worst part? You didn't even feel entitled to be scared, not after all he'd done for you.

‘Just keep your distance.’ You repeated like a mantra as you got ready for bed, leaving the book you'd borrowed right where he'd left it, afraid it would burn your fingertips even with the slightest touch.

(...)

The week wasn't nearly as long as you'd wanted it to be, and soon enough, you were struggling to zip the dress you'd bought days ago. Your makeup was done, and Yoonoh had texted you he was on his way, yet, you'd been fighting with the zipper for at least ten minutes. Your fingers were cramping, and the clock was ticking.

Just when you'd finally started to drag the small piece of metal, the doorbell startled you, causing you to let go of it.

“Fuck!” Have you ever felt so desperate that tears start pricking your eyes? Well, that was the exact case happening at the moment.

You opened the door with the salty water collecting at the corner of your eyes, surprising Yoonoh, who was wearing his best dimply smile.

“What’s wrong?” He had a bouquet poorly hidden behind his back, probably to apologize for the night he abruptly left and almost knocked down your door.

“I-I can't zip up my dress.” Your voice came out shaky, giving away the emotions burning your gut. Thankfully, Yoonoh didn't seem to notice, and if he did, he didn't mention it.

“I’ll help you.” He, not-so-discretely, put down the bouquet, gently turning you around to your discomfort. His cold hands touched your back as he dragged the zip up, noticing how tense you were but deciding not to comment on it. “Oh! You haven't moved the book from where I left it.”

“I haven't had time to read.” He hummed, crouching to reach for the bouquet and hand it to you. “Thank you.”

“It’s my way of apologizing for the fit I threw a couple of days ago.” A fit? That was one way to call it.

“It’s okay.” You lied as you pushed the corners of your lips to form a credible smile. “Let’s get going.”

The flowers were left on the kitchen counter before you left. The ride in the elevator was awfully quiet, and Yoonoh had no idea what had happened. You were so chatty the last time he saw you, so of course, he was taken aback by the sudden change.

“It’s not going to take long, so we can head out for some drinks later if you'd like...” You nodded, for you knew speaking would only expose your discomfort. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah! Just nervous about the party, that's all.”

You stood by Yoonoh’s side for the rest of the evening, smiling and nodding at his acquaintances’ comments. At one point in the evening, a man, not much older than you, approached you both with a wide smile.

“Dude, I hadn't seen you in ages. Stop sending your workers and come see me yourself.” They hugged. Why were they hugging?

“Y/n, this is my brother, Sungchan.” The man with puppy-like eyes embraced you tightly, almost as if welcoming you to his family. “Sungchan, this is y/n, my girlfriend.” He said it so naturally, it’d take a detective to figure out the truth about your relationship.

“I’ve heard a lot about you. I'm sorry for your father. But don't worry, we'll take those bastards down.”

“I’m not following...” You blinked repeatedly, eyes going back and forth between Yoonoh and his brother.

“Sungchan is a doctor. I asked him to look at your father's case for further evidence. My assistant was supposed to pick up the report the day we had dinner, but she forgot to drop by. Now we’re a day behind schedule.” The dark cloud surrounding him seemed to be slowly dissipating as you heard his explanation. “This is an important case, and I want to be as meticulous as possible.”

Thank you didn't seem the right thing to say at the moment, at least not with Sungchan standing there, so you simply grabbed his hand, squeezing it to let him know how grateful you were.

To your surprise, he didn't even flinch as he locked your hands together, causing a small giggle from Sungchan.

“Okay, love birds, I'll get going.” He waved you goodbye, making his way to another table where his friend waited for him.

“Can we talk?” You whispered in his ear, afraid one of the numerous attendants would hear you.

“Sure.” Without letting go of your hand, he drove you to a small, private garden just outside the ballroom. “Are you gonna tell me what's wrong now?” His thumb caressed your knuckles with gentle strokes.

“I’m so sorry.”

“What for?”

“I pushed you away at the minimum trouble when you were only helping me.” He hummed as if he already knew about it. “And it will probably happen again, so please, be patient with me. I'm going through-” Your face collided against his chest as his arms draped over your shoulders, squeezing you tightly.

“Call me reckless, but I've wanted to do this for a while.” Your hands hung at the sides of your torso, unsure what to do next. “You can push me away, I'll understand...”

Instead, your palm found its place in his back, rubbing up and down the designer jacket. Your hair started turning messy from the night breeze, some strands striking Yoonoh’s chin as his embrace only grew tighter.

“Let’s get out of here.” He mumbled, crawling the back of your head with his hand. “Sungchan can deal with my father's friends.”

“Are you sure?” His hum vibrated through his chest, making you giggle at the odd feeling.

Once seated in his car, his hand found yours like a magnet, the warmth emanating from it comfortably enveloping your skin.

The calmness of the atmosphere was interrupted by a call from his brother, who seemed to be anxiously explaining something through the phone.

“Just tell him I had a work emergency.” With that said, he hung up, placing his hand back again on top of yours. “Sorry, he said it was urgent.”

“It’s okay.” An unsettling feeling pinched your stomach, but you decided to dismiss it, immersed in the chilly weather of the dark streets.

You arrived at the river, where Yoonoh asked you to wait for him while he bought a couple of beers. It was a sight to see, both of you clad in fancy clothes, barefoot and chugging down can after can.

“I think I like being with you.” You declared, mind fuzzy from the alcohol intake.

“I think I like it too.” The tips of his ears were rosy, revealing he was as intoxicated as you, maybe even more.

“Would you like to visit my father with me tomorrow?” The words flew out of your mouth before you could even realize. Afraid you'd killed the mood, you tried to excuse yourself, only to be interrupted by his lips grazing your ear, placing a timid kiss on your lobe.

“I’d love to.” It was the sweetest peck, no ulterior motives behind it, just pure affection.

“Are we going too fast?” In your drunken state, what you had felt like a real relationship, not a simple agreement. And this sure felt like a first date.

“We’re moving at our own pace, I believe.” He dropped his head on your shoulder, pressing against it to relieve the dizziness clouding his mind. “Are you okay with that? Maybe you don't want to be with an old creep like me, and I'd totally get it. Just don't let me get my hopes up if that's the case.”

“You might be old, but definitely not a creep.” Your fingers combed through his abundant hair as your mind wandered into the future, grateful for the fact that he wouldn't become bald soon. “Or are you?”

“I don't think so.” Anyone who walked by would've seen a couple of goofs, too intoxicated to talk without slurring the words, but you were living in your own, comfy bubble. “I should get you home before it gets too late. Come on, I'll call a driver.” He tried getting on his feet to no avail, stumbling back a little before falling back on his ass.

“My apartment is nearby. You can stay for the night.” You grabbed both pairs of shoes as his arm surrounded your shoulder for assistance. “If you keep supporting your whole weight on me, we're both gonna fall.” People on the street shot you a couple of funny looks, which was understandable since it wasn't usual to see two drunk idiots walking barefoot in the middle of the night.

“How long till-” Hiccup. “-we get there?” His stare seemed to worsen with every step. “God, I think I might throw up.”

“Stop acting like a teenager, we're almost there.”

As soon as you arrived at the small apartment, you sat him down on the little step where you changed your shoes. You left both pairs on the rack, proceeding to put on slippers to enter the house.

“Don’t leave me here!” He whined, stomping his feet like a little kid.

“Just wait for a second!” His attitude was starting to get on your nerves to the point where you couldn't feel the effects of the beer anymore.

You grabbed a rag from the kitchen cabinet and dampened it under the sink. Yoonoh was half asleep when you walked back to him.

“My head hurts.” He mumbled as you sat in front of him, placing his left foot on your lap. “What are you doing?”

“I don't have any slippers that will fit you, and I don't want your dirty feet making my house dirty.” With utmost delicacy, you wiped away the dirt from his toes, noticing the small scratches caused by the gravel he walked on.

He touched your hair while you finished with his other foot, tangling the strands with fascination.

“Done, get up.”

He followed your indications as you guided him to your room, where you laid him down on his side in case he threw up.

“Are we visiting your father tomorrow?” He asked while snuggling under the covers.

“Sure.” You cleared his forehead from the strands falling in it, grazing the soft skin of his forehead. “Sweet dreams, gigantic baby.”

[weabooweedwitch]

I don’t want this to come across as, like, pity because it’s not and I’m sure you don’t want that, I mean this in the normalest, friendliest, least parasocial way possible because having followed you for years and spoke to you a few times it sucks that you are in this situation and have had to repeatedly go through it: can we help you somehow? Ko fi donations, Amazon wishlist, therapy fund etc? Is there anything we could do to make things a little more bearable?

For one I just wanna say that it actually just in itself means a lot that people are wanting to help me or at least vocally reaching out because like.. this is such a big world we're living in and its so easy to feel like i dont mean shit or matter for shit or can change shit at all so its nice to know that like. I dunno.. im glad i was able to kinda find this space for myself because like i dont really have a social life and without you guys (using "you guys" as a general word for all of my online friends rn) i wouldn't have anyone else to turn to

And also I don't perceive you guys wanting to help me as pity at all and really its kind of just validation because I'm basically 24/7 doubting myself and "am I valid for x, am I valid for y" so when im having kind of a crisis and people actually say "shit bro you ok" that feels better than like. I dunno. What does mother usually say. Stuff that's meant to be supportive but is kind of just toxic positivity like "You're overreacting and don't even think about it" which, those can be valid grounding techniques but like, you usually try and soothe the initial feeling first and then tell yourself not to think about it if you're obsessing over it

So I typed up what accidentally turned into a huge paragraph but, as nice as an Amazon wishlist sounds --because it makes me feel good people like me and gifts are always nice of course-- I would feel guilty for even making that public, and, to be realistic, my rent is very cheap and the only reason I don't have a lot of savings is because I keep spending money on bullshit. I kind of need to exercise restraint and actually save money because uh like I've been working for like 2 or 3 years now and I basically still have what I started with. So. I guess TLDR is "i would feel guilty accepting gifts i can technically afford for myself and also I would feel like a total chump beggar 😔". Maybe when I learn more self kindness I'll feel less guilt accepting gifts I guess? Where i am right now, it just feels like I'm being, I dunno, manipulative

Monetary donations are kind of the same and I'm stricter on that and try not to take money unless there's some kind of emergency. I do worry about money a lot but its usually always in the "how can I support myself on my own in the future" sense. I mean, most people put away a small part of every paycheck, but my savings account actually kind of expired and got closed so I just have the one checking one and uh, it's easy for me to keep pulling out of it, you know 💀 but that circles back to "i have to personally learn how to exercise financial restraint" and also like. Let's not. Think about how all the socioeconomic policies in America aren't even remotely in my control so I should uh try and ignore that technically no job is paying enough and everyone has to have roommates or a spouse to afford anything 😅

And also. Yeah I'm ok on like therapy funds and stuff because I'm actually on state insurance, actually I'm trying to cut down my work hours to guarantee I stay in the right financial bracket so I can keep it. I was talking to a couple people last night and I might consider going to a doctor again soon but im really hesitant about it. It kinda seems like I need a more thorough evaluation from a psychiatrist and. Well.

I think my first "big goal" for right now is that I should put some money aside and. Uh. Well. Kinda quit my job for a while so I can focus on those sorts of things. I feel really bad even saying that but the fact is, the fact is, im a person with severe mental illness and depression and my current job involves random strangers constantly constantly treating me like shit and sometimes getting very verbally abusive and aggressive and sometimes just having someone suddenly approach me can be very startling? Did I ever tell you guys about the time a random older man just came up from behind me and briefly grabbed me from behind? It was ad a joke and I was on edge watching my peripheral vision for motion that entire week

So I guess to make a long story short I think I should. Focus on what I want to do in terms of medicine right now and really fight to pursue the fact I think some really important diagnoses have been missed, and to do that without a lot of stress, to have a flexible schedule to see a doctor, I think the best decision is to take off work for a while, which I think is a good idea anyways? So to do that with a clear conscience I just want to have a few months of my portion of rent and then some extra in my bank account so I won't have to stress about immediately getting back to work or getting a new job. Because that's another decision I have to make: for I want to brave the current job market and look for another job and risk the one I currently have.

Long answer is long but I have a lot of thoughts right now 💀 talking with you guys has been a huge help in of itself so thats the only payment I'll accept for right now 🥰

[honeyymistt]

hey honeyy! i just wanted to rant for a hot minute simply bc idk how to handle this situation; i'm 20, and will move out soon to go to uni (in october, presumably) and my parents will pay for rent and food, which is v nice of them. but despite their reassurances that they'll pay for it, they are so passive aggressive, especially my mom. she just straight up told me today that "enough is enough" and basically said i need to move out asap bc i'm such a burden on them financially + i'm so spoiled and dumb and don't know how to real world works and she does (which ugh,, not to brag but they're loaded and i feel so heartbroken bc as a child they would spoil us rotten), but now she just wants to kick me out. i know at 20, i'm long overdue for moving out — and i will, soon, in like 2 months — yet my mom acts as if she couldn't wait for me to leave (which, okay, fair. same tbh) but idk what she wants me to do about it rn?? like i'm looking for jobs & am in the process of applying to different jobs, but that's somehow a time consuming process. it's just v stressful bc i feel betrayed, bc they always told me i should focus on school instead of getting a job, and it's my fault for not thinking for myself, but now i have no money saved up and i'll probably work a minimum wage job for the rest of the year every month (and the next years, like my whole uni time which is a-okay, it just stresses me out a bit). i think you're younger than me, so maybe this is very out of line for me to complain to you about?? feel free to just delete this ask, but i wanted to ask if you have any advice on how to deal with "loveless" parents and a dysfunctional family, where respect is requested but you as 'their child' are not brought the same respect bc you're 20 and still living at home. it's sooo funny bc i'm so gullible; my mom used to tell me the exact opposite for years — ‘no, it's fine that you're still living at home with 19’ and now she holds it against me bc she moved out at 17. my dad is also v mentally unstable, he has anger issues and never sees that he behaved wrongly, basically gaslighting me into believing it's all my fault for everything's that happening to me when something goes wrong. idk how to deal w/ this, everyone in this household is toxic and i feel trapped, despite my plans to hustle on the side and earn my own money. i'm stupid for feeling betrayed, but that's how it feels like. i think my mom stopped loving me a long time ago, like until i was 11 she loved me, but then i grew up and developed my own opinions, character etc. i just hate her so much. same with my dad. i hate relying on them for rent though and idk what to do (😭ik, this is a very, very privileged standpoint but idk how to handle all this hate; it's been getting worse these past weeks) — sorry for the lang rant!! 😭✋ hope your life is going great, though <3 -💌

hiii 💌-anon!!! im happy to hear from you :) i’m sorry to hear you are having a hard time 🥺 i'm sending you a virtual hug. i hope it cheers you up! <3

it makes me sad to read that you think that you're long overdue for moving out because you really aren't!! where i live, a lot of people are living at home until they graduate from university (possibly because it is very expensive to live where i live and no 20 year old is able to afford it🥴) but anyways, i actually don't think you're long overdue for moving out. i know that there a bunch of YouTube videos titled "MOVING INTO MY DREAM APARTMENT AT 19!" and yes, it's such a milestone but it's also so unrealistic. YouTube and being an "influencer" in general, pays really really well. not a lot of people are able to do what is "normal" to them. you are right on track! don't worry :)

reading about your parents really made me upset because you don't deserve to be talked to like that at all. a good parent takes care of their kid because they love them. they don't guilt trip them and tell them that they are a financial burden or that they're excited for them to move out. like your mom offers to pay for your rent and food but then tells you that you're a financial burden ?? like ma'am, where is the logic in that 😐 i'm sorry that she makes you feel unloved,, you don't deserve that at all :( i hate that you feel like once you developed your own opinions and character, she started to dislike you. that's what makes you wonderful!! you're a beautiful person, inside and out. don't let her opinions and actions tell you otherwise.

as for not knowing how the real world works, literally same. to be completely honest, i'm probably worse than you 😭 . i think i wrote this in one of my posts about my insecurities but basically i wrote that i don't know anything beyond school. i feel like i've been working so hard on being the "perfect student" that i'm so book smart but when it comes to very basic life skills, i feel like i'm lacking. i feel like i'm unprepared. whenever i tell this to my mom, she tells me that it's okay and that it's her job to take care of me and provide for me. one time she said "you have a whole life ahead of you to learn about taxes and cleaning and bills and finances and cooking. just enjoy the time right now. enjoy your life where it is. you're going to learn all of these skills eventually. the best way to learn them is just to experience life and make mistakes." so listen to my mom and try not to worry!! no one is born knowing how the real world works. you're going to be okay!

i think when it comes to dealing with loveless parents, you make up for it through your other relationships. one of my friends doesn't have the best relationship with her parents and whenever i ask her about it she says, "it's sad that i don't have the love that most people get from their parents but i get so much love from you, my other friends, my boyfriend, my cousins, etc. i know that there are people who care for me. these people are my family." maybe you and your family just need time apart. maybe your absence will make them realize that they didn't really treat you all that well. or maybe you'll realize that you deserve a lot better and that you don't want to be in contact with people who make you feel badly about yourself. time apart will give you time to come to terms with what you need! 🤍 if i were you, i'd get really excited for moving out in october because you're going to be removing yourself from this environment. you won't have to deal with feeling like a burden or dealing with your parents being cold towards you. you're moving out!! this is exciting!!! i'm excited for you!! everything will align and fall perfectly into place, i just know it.

i'll be by your side every step of the way - packing, moving out, moving in, unpacking, and we'll experience the harsh reality of the real world together :) i'm right by your side 🥺🌟🍯🤍

[roboromantic]

these past few days have been So Much. Not in a bad way or anything but im just Exhausted

I finally got more or less settled into the sweets position but then to give me more hours (which I absolutely do not mind) I started learning the kneading stuff today (harder than it looked!) It's also 7-10 (for now? might be longer shifts once I'm used to the position, idk) instead of 4-10 so I mean that's fine, I'll take a couple more hours of sleep, but it kinda threw me off the groove that I'd barely gotten into

I've also had to get stuff ready for the consignment sale; I finally got everything priced and tagged and dropped off yesterday after work since it's very conveniently located on the way home. Tomorrow the sellers get to shop first and I was thinking I might need to go home, shower and change, and then drive all the way back out there to shop, but turns out it's not nearly as messy as making the sweets so I should be fine to drop by on my way home. I'm not really gonna be there all that long anyway — probably just gonna check out the Transformers and leave. Maybe shelving? idk they have a LOT of shit

and THEN my dad proposed to his girlfriend and the tentative date for the wedding is the day before my birthday which I mean. I don't super care about that overlap but it's just. basically that's the deadline for my brother and I to Get Out. and I mean, my brother has a decent amount in savings and now that I'm working I can save up for a bit but neither of us want to deal with renting an apartment but I ain't making enough to be even be able to afford a 2 bedroom apartment, so he's gonna have to find a job and/or I'm gonna have to find a second job (and IWouldPreferNotTo.jpg) and I'm Very stressed about this

and I mean my dad's been very generous by allowing us to live here rent-free for this long! I can't exactly complain about him wanting us to leave but. more time to save up and look around woulda been Great. like I've never rented an apartment so I'm not 100% sure on the timeframe for that but doesn't it generally take at least a couple months to find a place and get through all the red tape n shit

also my dad like just helped his fiancée move so. I think the plan is to sell this place and he's gonna move in with her? I'd have to ask him about that. idk. I'm very happy for him but also having to find housing at such short notice with next to no money is WILDLY stressful and I mean. I kinda wanted to have SOME disposable income

anyway. The kneading job isn't that difficult and I've only got the one other 3-hour shift tomorrow before I'm done for the week. The hard part of the consignment sale is done, all I gotta do is actually shop tomorrow. So I've got a long weekend to finally hopefully finish cleaning out my room; once I'm done with that and listing stuff on ebay I should be good to relax for a while and hopefully be able to hang out on Discord again

and like. I enjoy gaming and I'll have fun doing it, but it is still kind of a little stressful to have my relaxing activity be disrupted by worrying about getting everything I want from a video game's season before it ends :/ . I should have plenty of time to finish the stuff I wanna do for Destiny and Fall Guys but the latter is kind of a pain to grind. I really want the Mecha Godzilla costume and in-game currency to buy the next battlepass for free though so. At least that one I can do while lying in bed listening to a podcast

and like there's SO MUCH I wanna do and I was kinda hoping that having a job would alleviate some stress so I could work on those — and I mean, it's definitely reduced it — but I think until my brother has a source of income or I suddenly get a bunch of money/a free house somehow I'm still gonna be stressed