#so all ive been doing for the past months was read stucky fics all day lmao

[winter-soldier-vibes]

You Aren’t Somebody? (Bucky x Reader)

Bucky x reader

Word count: 2647

Summary: Bucky knows that the reader has struggled with an eating disorder before, but thought they were doing better. Little does he know, they had just gotten better at hiding it. Until one night, he catches her doing something she had promised she had stopped

Warnings: eating disorder, purging, angst, fluff

Tags @abitgryffindorky @buckys2thicc @thatfangirl42 @buckfics @barnesplums @mardema @stucky-on-spiderman @thundering-barnes

Main Masterlist

A/N: It’s finals week and I am running on energy drinks, reading fanfiction, and longgggg hot showers. But the semester is almost over, and then I have no obligations aside from my hobbies. I see the requests and I’m working on them I promise! I have a list of all the requests that I get, and I am working through them I PROMISE!!! Thank you all for all of your support.

A/N 2: This deals with heavy and dark themes of mental illness. The specific warnings are above. If you feel that in any way reading this will be harmful to your mental health and your journey, PLEASE skip it. I write from my own experience and I know what I would’ve wanted to hear in these situations, and writing/reading fics helps me feel comforted. This fic is based on one experience more specifically than most of my fics, so I apologize if it’s not exactly the same as your experience. This is what I would’ve wanted to hear. If you need or want someone to talk to, vent to, or get advice from, feel free to message me, really. I’m here! <3

------------------------------

Bucky was standing in front of you, blocking the door. His piercing blue eyes were locked on you, your own refusing to meet his. 

He wanted answers that you were not ready to give.

“Y/n, please. I just want to talk about this”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Bucky.”

He looked you up and down. Your hair was in a messy bun, a few loose strands sticking to your tear stained cheeks. Your eyes were puffy, and your face was red, voice raspy. He took a deep breath. “You told me you would tell me if it was getting bad again.”

“You promised.”

You closed your eyes. He wasn’t wrong, you had promised. But that was because you never thought you’d see the day when you were purging again. You thought you had gotten over it. You really thought that this time you wouldn’t slip up.

------------------

You had been struggling with an eating disorder for a while. The cause, you weren’t quite sure. An innocent diet soon turned into a competition for yourself, but the end goal was never there. At first you had thought it was just about the weight and how you looked, but then you found that some of your behavior patterns were tied to your emotional ones. 

Stress was the major trigger, you had come to learn.

Whether it was a mission gone wrong, you getting injured, someone else getting injured, or even just basic social interactions you thought could’ve gone better, you found yourself inclined to comfort yourself with food. 

Until you panicked, which would lead you to the bathroom with music blaring and water running to cover up the noises of your retching. 

You hated it, and every time you told yourself it was the last time. But the more you did it, the more you felt the urge to do it. At first it was triggered by large stressors, but now smaller things could trigger you to want to throw up. You tried to keep it hidden, unaware of the true reasons for why you did it. You were able to help yourself sometimes, it wasn’t worth bringing anyone else into. 

You couldn’t explain it to yourself, so how were you supposed to explain it to anybody?

The best way that you had figured out how to describe it was that whenever you felt a negative emotion, you could soothe it in a physical way with food, especially with all the warm comfort foods that are known. But at the same time, that feeling lasted as long as you could taste, and you would feel guilty as you felt full. When you threw up, it felt like you were also throwing up the negative emotions. 

But when you said it out loud, it didn’t make sense. When people are sick and throwing up it’s one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever. Inducing it hurts sometimes, but it’s almost not as bad. Like you know it’s coming, and you’re in control of what’s happening and you could stop at any point. And there had been times where you could soothe yourself in other ways, and you knew your own physical limits. You knew when you had to stop for your own health.

Until you couldn’t stop.

Which is what led to you fainting on a mission after purging too much. Your electrolytes had bottomed out and you almost had a heart attack at an age no one should. Bucky, your boyfriend who was on the mission with you, had put it together when the first words out of your mouth upon gaining consciousness were “Is this a glucose drip?” while tugging at the IV.

He hadn’t been mad, not exactly. He wasn’t mad at you but he was furious with himself for not noticing, and for making you feel as though you couldn’t tell him. You assured him that you did trust him, but he wished you had come to him before you could’ve gotten yourself, and those on the mission, seriously hurt or killed. 

Nonetheless, you still didn’t know how to talk about it.

“Can you try to tell me about it?” he asked gently, running a hand through your hair. He held you to his chest, you unable to meet his eyes.

“It won’t make any sense,” you had said, tears glazing your eyes.

“I want to understand. Can you help me understand?”

You paused for a moment. “It’s a long story and I don’t know where to start. There’s so much going wrong.” you had said, tears beginning to streak down your face.

“I have all the time for you. And it doesn’t have to make sense, these things rarely do. I’m not here to judge you, I’m here to listen.”

And true to his word, he had. He had listened and held you while you tried to talk about what you could. He didn’t understand everything, he naturally had a ton of questions, but they weren’t for that moment. He had promised to help you the best that he could, and you had promised to try and tell him whenever you felt the urges get too strong. And if you couldn’t, to tell him after.

It was easier to talk to Bucky than anyone else. Not because he was your boyfriend, but because he seemed to understand you more than anyone else could. He had his own share of mental health struggles. Neither of you knew exactly what the other was going through, but you both understood that it was easy to feel alone and guilty even though you couldn’t control it. 

It was rough, but he was never mad. He was sometimes firm, and sometimes you had gotten angry with him. Only to later apologize to him with tears in your eyes. He was never mad with you. He understood that this was something internal. Upon research he had done and conversations he had had with Bruce, he understood that this had nothing to do with him. Some people thought eating disorders were about getting attention when it was one of the furthest things from the truth.

All he could do was love you and be there for you.

And to your surprise, talking about it did help.it took a long time, months, of long and hard conversations, panic attacks, slip ups, and really dark days. But it got to the point where Bucky felt that you were doing better, making an effort to tell you how proud he was and how much he loved you. 

And you were doing better, in a way. But you had been slipping up more recently, and you hadn’t told Bucky. You didn’t know how. After going the longest you’d ever had between slip ups, you found yourself retching over the toilet. You would have gone to Bucky but he had been away on a mission that was extended a few days. You couldn’t interrupt him because your feelings were too much to handle. People needed his help more than you did.

You were going to tell him, but he had been so tired when he had come back. He needed his time to relax, and it wasn’t the right time to tell him. And the next day when he was rested, you felt that it was irrelevant. Any negative feeling you had felt the day before had since past, and you didn’t see the point in bringing it up today. It would worry Bucky, he wouldn’t want to go on missions, and you weren’t going to do that to him. Besides, it was just one time.

Right?

You soon found yourself purging when Bucky wasn’t around. If he had gone out with Steve, if he was on a mission, or if he was down in the gym you found yourself taking more opportunities to give into your urges. It wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been, but you were spiraling. But at this point you had been slipping up so many times, you had been so secretive about it. 

It would kill Bucky inside to know that you were hiding this from him again. He would feel like you didn’t trust him. You trusted him with your life.

You just didn’t want to let him down. Not again, not when he had explicitly told you to come to him and you had been blatantly ignoring that.

You wanted to tell him, you did. But you couldn’t let him being so proud of you be based on a lie.

One day you were hunched over the toilet, legs sahking and tears streaming down your face from exertion. Bucky was away on a mission, so you didn’t even bother with the music or the water. What you hadn’t anticipated was him coming back hours earlier than he should’ve

The mission had gone much more smoothly than anticipated, which everyone was happy about. Bucky was glad he would get a few more hours with you. He had gone up to your shared room and let himself in, surprised to see you weren’t there. But then he heard you coughing from behind a closed bathroom door.

He felt like someone had punched him in the gut. You had been doing so well, what had happened?

He walked over to the door, knocking on it and calling out your name. He heard you muffle a small fuck before he knocked again.

“Y/n please, let me in.”

He heard the toilet flush and the sink turn on, you on the other side washing your face. You could feel the tears from exertion be replaced by ones of shame and embarrassment, biting your lip slightly. What the fuck were you going to tell him? 

When you finally turned off the water, you rubbed your face with a towel, sighing heavily into it. When you took it away, you looked long and hard at the doorknob. 

Bucky sighed on the other side of the door. “Y/n please. I’m not mad. We’ve been here before, I just wanna talk to you.”

You closed your eyes for a moment, taking a breath before you made your expression nuetral and opened the door. 

Bucky’s eyes immediately saddened when he took you in. your face was still red and there were tears in your eyes. You had tried to put up a front, he could tell that too. Sometimes you got angry with him because you didn’t want to be vulnerable. He was prepared because like he said - he’d helped you before.

Before he could say anything you crossed your arms. “You’re home early,” you said coldly.

“Y/n.” 

“How’d the mission go? Well, I assume.” you tried to slip past Bucky but he was blocking the door. 

Bucky took a deep breath. “Yeah, yeah, the mission went well.” He wanted to be gentle with you. “But how are you?”

You shrugged, trying to appear oblivious. “I’m fine,” voice wavering slightly as you looked away.

“Y/n please. You’re not fine. Can you tell me what happened?”

“The same thing that always happens” you said bitterly. “Something stupid comes up, I start feeling like shit about myself and I ignore it until I’m puking it up with everything else, alright? It’s the same story, different time, and now I have you looking at me all hurt just like I was worried about which is why I couldn’t tell you!” you exclaimed, eyes filled with anger and tears. Bucky looked at you as if you had just punched him in the face. He would’ve much preferred that you had.

“Y/n.”

You shook your head, trying to get through the door that he was blocking. “Bucky, just let me through the door, forget it.”

“Y/n just talk to me please, I -”

“JUST LET ME THROUGH THE GODDAMN DOOR.” You yelled, surprising Bucky. It had been a while since you had gotten this angry or defensive. But he stood his ground. Bucky was standing in front of you, blocking the door. His piercing blue eyes were locked on you, your own refusing to meet his. 

He wanted answers that you were not ready to give.

“Y/n, please. I just want to talk about this”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Bucky,” you said, feeling tears threatening to spill over. 

He took a deep breath. “You told me you would tell me if it was getting bad again.”

You closed your eyes and felt a pang in your stomach. “Bucky, I - “

“You promised,” he said, voice cracking.

You shook your head. “Why do I have to talk about this. It’s not like I’m hurting anybody” 

“You’re hurting yourself, y/n.” he said calmly.

You shook your head and narrowed your eyes slightly, tears falling. “That’s different Bucky, you know it is.”

“You aren’t somebody?”

You looked at him for a moment before a sob escaped your body, leaning on the counter for support as you brought a hand to your mouth. Bucky quickly came up behind you and pulled you into him, wrapping his arms around you. You started crying harder, embarrassed and ashamed. 

“I’m sorry Bucky, I didn’t know what else to do, I didn’t know how to tell you, I -”

“Hey it’s okay, it’s alright y/n, I’m here.” Bucky kept whispering reassurances in your ears, rubbing a hand up and down your back. 

After some time passed, you didn’t know how long, you were able to calm down enough to take some shaky breaths, hiding your red face in Bucky’s chest.

“When did this start happening again?” he asked softly

“I don’t know… few weeks at least, not really sure.”

He took a breath, trying to stay calm. A few weeks and he hadn’t suspected anything, and you were alone. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were on a mission, I couldn’t interrupt that.”

“Why didn’t you tell me when I got back?” he pressed gently.

“You were so tired Bucky - ”

“Y/n.” he said more firmly.

You paused for a moment, knowing he wouldn’t take those answers. If they were truly the reason then you would’ve told him the next day or the day after, as soon as the opportunity came. There was more to why you waited, and Bucky knew that. 

“I didn’t want to disappoint you,” you whispered. 

You heard Bucky sigh. He was angry with himself, for not being approachable to you. All he wanted was to make you feel safe enough to come to him, and to hear that you hadn’t because you thought he had expectations for you crushed him. “Y/n, I told you you could tell me about this. When have I ever been disappointed or angry with you?”

“You haven’t. You were just so proud and I - I didn’t want to ruin that for you. I didn’t want to tell you that you were proud of a lie.”

“Hey, hey look at me.” Hesitantly you looked up to meet his eyes. “None of this was you lying. You put in the hard work day after day, and I told you I was here to support you. But I never did the work for you. You did that. I’m proud of you and I always will be because you’re a fighter. It’s okay to have bad days, it’s okay to slip up. It’s okay to need a little help too, and that’s what I’m here for. A slip up doesn’t erase all the hard work you’ve put in before. I’m proud of you for the progress you’ve made, and of the work you put in. This doesn’t change anything sweetheart.”

He pulled you back into his chest.

“I’ll always be proud of you.”

[prettyboy-parker]

favorite fics of 2020 (and a goodbye)

hi all!

first, i wanted to say this is inspired by one of my closest friends my bitch @honeybunstarker . thank u for that 

secondly, i wanted to say a final goodbye. i know that i nearly left a few months ago, but i was still on the fence about writing for marvel then. now, ive lost all interest. thank you all for fueling my love for writing, and making these past two (??? i actually don’t know) years full of excitement and encouragement! from the ups (the blocklist, secret santa) to the downs (my favorite blogs and friends deactivating without a word), ive had the greatest time in this fandom. 

in case you were worried, i am NOT deactivating. my fics will be available for you to read whenever you want.

but, i will not be writing for marvel anymore, nor will i be posting on this blog.

now that the sad part is done, i didn't want to leave you guys without anything to entertain yourselves with. so, here are my favorite fics, including some non-marvel, from this year! 

(all descriptions are from the work itself)

my top fic from this year, which is also one of my favorite fics of all time, is a dog named sunshine.

“Bucky Barnes has issues. Mental health issues, and a whole lot of them, to be precise. Bucky is fucked up, and he knows that. His apartment looks like a dumping ground on most days, he can’t sleep through the night, sometimes he doesn’t shower for six days and doesn’t leave the house except to see his therapist once a week. Mostly, Bucky has no idea how the whole “talking about your problems” thing is supposed to help him, but sometimes his therapist has some really great ideas. Like getting a dog. Which is how Bucky meets Steve. Steve has blond hair and shoulders as broad as Bucky’s future if he wouldn’t suffer from depression and multiple mental disorders, and a waist as small as Bucky’s self-esteem. Steve also has a yellowish dog with floppy ears called Sunshine. And sunshine makes its way into Bucky’s life with a bounce in its step.”

a modern stucky fic which portrays depression in the best way i have seen in a fic so far. unfortunately, it has been orphaned before being finished :(

starker:

hey baby, slip between my beta-pleats and get to know my alpha-helix? By @starkerforlife6969​ and @darker-soft-starker​

“Even though Tony can't tell the difference between Manolo Blahnik and Jimmy Choo, Peter really has no other choice.

His heat is around the corner, so even though he loathes the party-going, booze drinking, smug playboy know-it-all that is Tony Stark-

He'll just have to do.”

if you asked me what my favorite starker fic of all time is, i’d tell you it’s this one

raising hybrid puppies by jaypendragon

“A non-powered Tony/Peter coffee shop AU with billionaire Tony and working-class, teenage Peter. Also, Toomes has a bakery and somehow Last Week Tonight is a genuine plot point.”

underage, slowburn, happy ending 

even though it’s one of the most notorious fics for the ship, i never read it until the summer. 

waiting for marriage by tuesday 

“In which Tony gets married and kidnapped in that order.

—

Tony Stark went to Vegas to cause a scandal.”

just super fun!

push you out (pull you back in) by @lovelystarker​

“So basically, Peter's kind of fucked. And not in the way that he wants to be-preferably by his mother's hot new boyfriend who has beautiful brown eyes and a disposition that's more than put-together. It wouldn't be so hard to ignore the crush, really it wouldn't, but Mr. Stark has practically moved in, so Peter can't avoid him if he wants to, and unlike his mom's past boyfriends, this one actually likes to spend time with him. So yeah, Peter's kind of fucked.”

just,,, wow. important to note that it is unfinished.

stucky:

you go to my head by alby_mangroves and brideofquiet

“Why would you do that for a man you don’t know?” Bucky asks.

Steve raises one slow eyebrow at him, then the other, till his expression turns from skepticism to disbelief. His forefinger and thumb reach into his shirt’s front pocket and draw out a wrinkled dollar bill.

Steve looks him in the eye when he says, very patiently, “For money, Bucky.”

40′s stucky is my favorite stucky

that boy is a problem by 2best friends

“In which a twinky little goth punk named Bucky puts a leash around Steve's dick and he's really into it.

(The leash is a metaphor. For now.)”

just porn

all the angels and the saints by speranza 

“In which Steve Rogers loses God and finds God and loses God, and also: Bucky.”

if it makes you cry, it’s probably good!

sugar sweet by colorcoated 

“College Student Bucky finds himself immediately attracted to Steve. He knows that Steve's a bit older than him, and that Steve himself is put off by the age difference. . . But that doesn't stop Bucky from wanting to climb him like a tree.”

the only slowburn i have tolerated 

my bucky by cleo4u2 and xantissa 

“Bucky finds a feral Alpha in the woods. Rather, the Alpha finds him. Bucky is sure it’s the end of his life as an independant Omega. It turns out to be the beginning of the strangest romance Bucky’s ever known.”

stony:

(i want you to see) the darkest side of me by ann2who

“In Monte Carlo, Steve meets the wealthy widower Anthony Stark. It’s love at first sight—at least for Steve—and he can’t believe his luck when Tony asks him to live at Stark Mansion, his large estate in Malibu. Never in his life had Steve thought something like this was possible… never had he been this happy. However, soon Steve realizes that Tony is still deeply troubled by the death of his first wife and haunted by the many ghosts she left behind. The longer Steve lives in her shadow, the more he understands that… He can never be what Tony’s wife had once been for him. And Tony might never truly love him.”

total mindfuck.

ironstrange:

let it be by lucifersfavoritechild

“While dealing with his son's car accident and a rapidly-dissolving marriage, Tony is drawn to Peter's surgeon, Dr. Stephen Strange.”

where severus snape is hot, not a stalker, and somehow gets the girl by utopiste

“Or: Peter Parker is sick and wants to cut his Neuroscience class. Tony just wants to help (and maybe date his son's hot teacher). Stephen Strange just wants to give his lecture in peace.”

miscellaneous:

geraskier: who needs plans anyways by NTK

“All witchers are alphas or betas by nature, since no omega has ever survived the Trial of the Grasses. Gerald has never had any problems with satisfying his needs on the occasional rut, for the whores from Poviss to Nilfgard were eager to be of service to a sturdy hunk like him. On the other hand, a certain omega/ bard/ occasional witcher tagalong has always made certain to acquire enough suppressants from local healers before setting out on a new adventure. That is, until the travels with his favourite White Wolf led the unlike pair into uncharted territory for longer than expected… life ensues”

philtriss: bound by sapphiresmoke

“Leashing involves a pupil being bound to their master in body, mind, and magic,” Philippa explained, folding her hands on the desk in front of her. “It is not something to undertake lightly, but if you accept, I will be able to share my magic with you, and instruct you in ways that would be otherwise be impossible if I were to only rely on verbal communication. It is intimate, it is at times invasive, but if you consent to this, Triss, it will make you vastlymore powerful, and from the look in your eyes, that seems to be exactly what you are looking for.”

vandermatthews: one more night like this would put me six feet under by jukeboxgraduate

“To be alongside the same person week after week, to share honesty and trust with someone day after day, is a rare treasure in a life that hinges on dishonesty. Hosea holds it close to his heart.”

din/cobb: every wave is a tidal if you hang around by wolfhalls 

“Din comes to Mos Pelgo, and finds a lot more than he was looking for.”

and finally, rough day by @no-droids​, because we all need to be a little indulgent sometimes.

[fishfingersandscarves]

Fishy’s Big Ol’ Stucky Rec

ive been reading a hell of a lot stucky fics to balm the pain of infinity war 

so please enjoy the list ive complied

your favorite ghost - augustbird

It's harder than Steve ever expected to bring Bucky home.

the gravedigger’s handbook - idrilka

Sometimes it's the most difficult thing, coming home. They both learn that, in their own ways. (In the end, Bucky comes back to Steve. In the end, it is all that matters.)

pull apart the dark - togina

Steve's unending faith in his best friend was beginning to look less like hope and more like fantasy. When they'd caught the Soldier – in a firefight that still gave Sam nightmares – the only thing the man seemed to recall was how to hit exactly where it hurt.

Four months later, Barnes still refused to speak English. Refused to heed anything but Steve's voice.

So, all in all, it was not a great time for Hydra to attack New York. All in all, Sam really wished they'd just killed him, instead of turning Captain America into a baby.

Even with a Million Chances I Wouldn’t be Enough to Deserve You - AppleJuiz

Bucky feels fairly confident when he decides not only is this the Worst Day Ever, but there is no way he can feel worse than right now. You would think that by now, he’d know things can always get worse.

As if getting falsely accused of bombing the UN, having his reunion with Steve go a million times worse than anticipated, and becoming the Winter Soldier again for a brief spell wasn't enough, Bucky gets to relive it all... over and over again.

I can’t remember how this started (but I can tell you exactly how it ends) - gwyneth rhys (gwyneth)

“And this is the thing, Steve. I would rather relive this day for eternity than watch them win and you die, or see you be enslaved to them the way I was.”

The Difference A Day Makes - twinagonies

In which Bucky lives the same day over and over again, and circling, circling, comes back to himself.

Meridian - Tippet

The metal hand flexes now and Steve’s eyes go straight to it, then fix back on the soldier’s. Slowly, that the soldier can see every crease shifting into place, his face fills with a quiet wonder; he looks at the soldier as a beggar gazes at a banquet.

(Steve goes missing; Bucky goes after him.)

Slow Work - lorata

It's 2011, men are allowed to marry, and Bucky is dead.

The future isn't all that's strange. Together in peacetime for the first time since before Steve took the serum, Steve and Bucky struggle to find their place -- and each other -- in the middle of a new millennium, new bodies, and new dynamics.

Or, just because you wake up in a century where everything you've repressed is magically okay, that doesn't make it easy.

The Ungraceful Art of Falling - buckyfuckybarnes

Bucky Barnes was cold.

He felt like he’d been cold for months now; doing nothing but experiencing one unending chill after another. He’d been cold in England, and again in Italy, and again especially in Austria – both while he was kept in an underground cell, and when he was strapped without cover to the unforgiving metal of Zola’s lab table.

But Steve… Steve Rogers was sunshine. Everything about him was warm, from his crinkly-eyed smile to his white-hot rage. Steve was Coney Island on a summer’s day; lying back on high rooftops to watch fireworks on the 4th of July; drinking stolen whiskey in his parent’s living room…

Loving Steve was a fact – simple and plain, like breathing air or bleeding red; loving Steve was soldered into his skin like a tattoo – it buzzed in his brain like its own kind of high. It was a part of who he was.

Mine is the Shining Future - brideofquiet

He could have a life here, but what would it be? He could be a grocer; he could marry a girl who remembers hearing his name on the prayer list nearly every Sunday mass. He could fill sketchbooks in his spare time and stuff them into a trunk under his bed when he’s exhausted their pages, never to be seen again. He could live and die on Friary Street.

It would be a fine life, if a simple one. Something similar was enough for his mother. It should be enough for him, too. Is it?

In late summer of 1937, Steve Rogers immigrates to America.

the universe expanded - foreverthyme

There is no life without Bucky, or Steve and Bucky from the beginning onward and every place in between.

December 7th - boopboop

This isn't the first time Steve's lost a few days to a fever, but Bucky's never been good at keeping secrets and Steve's got the feeling that he's missed something more important than just time.

Not Easily Conquered - dropdeaddream, WhatAreFears

Series:

A Long Winter, The Thirteen Letters, Not Easily Conquered

In 1945, Steve Rogers jumps from a nosediving plane and swims through miles of Arctic Ocean to a frozen shore.

In 1947, Steve Rogers marries Peggy Carter.

In 1966, the New York Times finds the lost letters of Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes.

just say you do - biblionerd07

Steve just wanted a job. He wasn't expecting a marriage proposal. And he certainly wasn't expecting to accept.

Into That Good Night - Nonymos

Steve Rogers has lived for entirely too long—long enough to see the world's end. The heroes are gone, and the Earth is pushing what's left of mankind towards the exit.

But when a makeshift team rises from the ashes, when a mysterious presence all but drags Steve there, he begins to think there may be hope yet. As they shoot for the stars one last time, Steve will get proof yet again that the future is nothing if not an echo of the past.

Easy Work For Easy Pay - AustinB

Bucky's working his way back up through the ranks at S.H.I.E.L.D. after a mission took his left arm and Stark gave him a new metal one.

So when Fury tasks him with integrating the newly defrosted Captain Rogers into the 21st century, he jumps at the promotion.

To Never Have Loved At All - hitlikehammers

Steve will say they had work to do, and a universe to put to rights. They had people to find and hearts to unbreak. They had a mission. There was no time for any of them to mourn.

Steve, as it turns out, says a lot of things that are mostly bullshit.

took my love, took it down - LaughsAtThunder

The problem, Bucky thinks now that he has most of his memories back, is that his whole entire world has always revolved around Steve Rogers. Steve has been always been half of Bucky’s identity. Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers’ best friend. Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers’ wingman. Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers’ teammate. And now, well, now Steve had other people to fill those positions. And of course, of course he’d always been a little bit in love with Steve. So when he overhears Steve telling Natasha that he’s finally found someone he’d like to date, someone with similar life experience, Bucky clings blindly to the hope that maybe, just maybe, Steve is talking about him.

This, You Protect - owlet

The mission resets abruptly, from objective: kill to objective: protect

Always Afraid, Always Ashamed - CaptainDean13

Maybe that was why they slipped. Maybe they shouldn’t have been chatting on the comms so much. Maybe they should have swept the compound before congregating in one room. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe there was nothing they could have done. Maybe it didn’t matter.

The team is taken hostage and Steve is forced to face his fears and secrets to save them.

to memory now I can’t recall - Etharei

While on a mission storming a HYDRA facility, James Buchanan Barnes touches one of the many strange alien devices collected by the Red Skull. He does this, in fact, twice— in the past, and in the future.

Next thing he knows, Bucky Barnes is opening his eyes in the 21st century, which is full of great gadgets and coffee, and at least includes his old pal Steve. (And, inexplicably, a different Stark.) Meanwhile, the Winter Soldier finds himself in the middle of World War Two, helping Captain America hunt down HYDRA (which is at least familiar), pretending to be Bucky Barnes (which is not), and figuring out the very noisy group of soldiers who call themselves the Howling Commandos.

20th Century Limited - Speranza

"Where am I? Where is this?" and he was in Brooklyn, he was on a beach, the train was shaking around him. He was in the plane, ice splintering up onto the windshield. He was in a tank, tubes trailing from his face, from his groin. Christ, he was cold. There was still ice on his fingers. He was in the Grand Canyon. He was in Times Square. This couldn't be Times Square. Where the hell was this? "Tell me! Where am I, who are you, where's—" —Bucky?

All The Angels and The Saints - Speranza

In which Steve Rogers loses God and finds God and loses God, and also: Bucky.

The Hundred Year Playlist - girlbookwrm

Series:

Dreamers With Empty Hands, Good Morning, Heartache, What’s New?, The Terror of Knowing, Fool for Sacrifice

Steve knows pain. Has always known pain. Far back as he can remember, hurting has been a part of him.

AKA Steve’s Rhapsody in Pain, Part One: Chronic Illness Edition. Contents: one (1) Smol Steve Rogers with Very Big Pain Problems, one (1) Wee Bucky Barnes with a Very Foul Mouth, twenty thousand (20,000) Nazis in Madison Square Gardens, infinite pining, and excessive use of parentheses.

The New Age - AustinB

“You’re good at the future,” Steve says, a little downcast.

Bucky doesn’t notice. He grins, “I always thought I would be.”

(AU: Bucky and Steve were both on the plane when Steve put it in the Arctic.)

[thestuckylibrary]

Mod’s Reads: April 2018

Here’s the list of everything the Mods have read this past month!

Mod Iamnmbr3

To Never Have Loved At All* by hitlikehammers (complete | 2,839 | T ) *post IW fix-t fic 

Steve will say they had work to do, and a universe to put to rights. They had people to find and hearts to unbreak. They had a mission. There was no time for any of them to mourn.

Steve, as it turns out, says a lot of things that are mostly bullshit.

introducing mister and mister united states by moonythejedi394 (complete | 18,440 | T )

“HE’S BEAUTY HE’S GRACE HE’S MISTER UNITED STATES!” “Bucky, what the [bleeped]…?”

“Following his pardon by the President of the United States, Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, former Nazi prisoner of war and brainwashed Hydra agent, took to an unusual method of adapting to the modern world: Twitter. His Twitter handle was tweeted out by Tony Stark, and in the following two days, he gained over ten million followers. Barnes posted only four tweets as well as sharing and retweeting several Vines, but two of his tweets were videos of the famed Steven Rogers, also known as Captain America. The latest of these featured Barnes entering Captain Roger’s bedroom and shouting the line: “He’s beauty, he’s grace, he’s mister United States”, just to cause Captain Rogers to fall out of bed before confusedly saying, “Bucky, what the [bleeped]?” The rest of the world seems to agree with Captain Rogers; Barnes, what the hell?”

Your Kind of Idiot by dirtybinary (complete | 4,545 | T )

In which Bucky doesn't fall from the train, Steve has company when he wakes up in the twenty-first century, and neither of them knows how to talk about their feelings unless they're about to die.

things learnt upon reunion by dirtybinary (complete | 2,615 | T )

It is their first day on the run, and their first night spent together in seventy years: part mission, part honeymoon.

Bit by bit, Steve gets the hang of Bucky again.

Or: the CA:CW trailer gave me feelings and then this happened.

What We Asked For From Each Other* by Speranza (complete | 10,701 | E ) *includes one instance of Steve/Tony but is very clearly stucky endgame 

"I don't like pain," he told Banner. "Or assassins. Or boyfriends, actually."

despite the threatening sky and shuddering earth (they remained) bypraximeter (Zimario) (complete | 71,532 | E ) 

“They really didn’t want the mask to come off.” Hill thumbed through the scans, and pulled out a film that she then handed over to Sam, face mostly expressionless but for the flat line of her pursed lips.

Sam accepted the film and held it up to the light, angling so both he and Steve could see it, squinting at the outline of the Winter Soldier’s skull, and the blips of unnatural white that showed up, God, in his brain, not to mention about half his teeth, plus the mask, with its thin protrusions—

“Those are pins,” Steve realized. He looked over at Hill. “The mask—it’s nailed to his face.”

Hill’s face was as unmoved as ever. “Like I said. They really didn’t want it coming off.”

Always 1895 by DarkCaustic (complete | 2,004 | T )

After that, he finds, well.

The good stuff, as he likes to call it.

Stories about before. Before the avengers, before the war, even.

Before, before.

Other lives. All that potential, never reached.

Stories about him, about them about–

Bucky.

Mod Julia

a fighter by his trade by ElisAttack (oneshot | 2,423 | E)

The crowd roars and swells around him, hands reaching, clapping him on the shoulders, shaking him in congratulations, and all Bucky does is wonder if Steve will finally take him home.

Or the one where Bucky boxes, and loves Steve Rogers.

Not the Needle, Nor the Thread by steebadore (oneshot | 2,017 | E)

Bucky wakes to a noise.

No, Bucky wakes to the noise. It's not the hoarse shout of nightmares born of battlefields and blood that so often tear them both from sleep. No, this is smaller. Bitten off. Choked back. A furtive, strangled keen, nearly silent but pitched at a frequency that would raise Bucky from the dead.

Burn your bridges down by Ark (oneshot | 8,610 | E)

Even under the ice, Steve used to dream about this.

He holds onto Bucky, keeps him there, and then Steve is kissing back. Kissing like he’s never kissed before and never will again. Kissing like coming home, like waking up, like returning from the dead.

Above the Rain and Roses Universe by coveryourheads (rsk110), Kellyscams (series | 73,943 | E) - sex work

Steve Rogers has been looking for The One ever since testing as Dominant. True love. Fairytales. Happily ever after with his very own submissive is all he wants. Which might be asking the universe for a little too much, but he'll take a good connection to start with.

But tonight, Steve is visiting The Armory. An exclusive club where unattached Doms can go and enjoy themselves with a good sub for the night. Not exactly the place Steve expects to find his one true love.

Then again, fate might have other plans, and one sub might get in way over his head making assumptions about this Dom.

Mod Blue

The Hero Steals a Kiss by spitandvinegar (restricted, oneshot | 1,084 | T)

We're all in need of comfort.

Better Than To Bend* by silentwalrus (oneshot | 23,494 | M) *polyamory

In which Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes is tired, hungry and completely failing at not sticking it in the crazy. Also there’s a war going on or something.

aka world war threesome. Fear these queers.

Part 1 of Bucky Barnes Gets His Groove Back & Other International Incidents

If They Haven't Learned Your Name by silentwalrus (complete | 236,499 | M)

Steve gets out of the hospital in two days, but just barely. “I’m fine,” he tells Sam, Nurse Eunjung and the phalanx of doctors assigned to make sure Captain America didn’t bleed out and die and get bad PR all over their nice clean hospital. “I have an advanced healing factor. It’s fine. See? I’m standing.”

“That is not standing,” Sam tells him.

“You’re bending the IV stand,” Nurse Eunjung adds pointedly. “Let go and sit down, they don’t grow on trees.”

aka Steve and Bucky's Global Honeymoon Revenge World Tour.

Part 2 of Bucky Barnes Gets His Groove Back & Other International Incidents

"He will live on in our memories (and in our actions, as America’s greatest hero)" by liionne (oneshot |  3,241 | M)

They all think you're dead, you know.”

“And?” Steve asks.

“And you're an American icon. A hero. Don't you think they should know that they're mourning in vain?”

“They thought I was dead before.” He says eventually. “They can cope.”

Or: The world thinks that Steve Rogers was killd by Thanos. Bucky and his friends know better.

Under Paper Skies by InterruptingDinosaur (complete | 18,138 | M)

All Bucky wants is to get back to New York in time for his meeting, but his luck runs out when a blizzard traps him in D.C. It gets even worse when the guy looking like Bucky’s every dirty fantasy come to life catches him giggling at the erotic thrillers in the romance section of the airport bookstore.

So much for making a good first impression.

Through Cities And Churches by Speranza (complete | 37,256 | E) (reread)

A tale of many cities and churches and two boys. Happy 100th Birthday, Bucky Barnes: March 10, 2017.

The whole of 4 Minute Window* by Speranza (series | 105,353 | E) (reread) */others, but kissing only

"Look, if they catch me," Bucky muttered, "they're either going to kill me or they're going to put me in a box with a little window and—Steve, I can't."

[ughgclden]

i know it’s late for you right now, love, but i’ve just seen your letter, and as with letters of any sort, i draft here my reply.

i do love your responses, every time, i reread them constantly, especially when the weight of the world seems to have settled on my shoulders again, but my love, please don’t ever feel obligated to reply, i don’t want to be a source of new stress for you, angel.

i can see you as a tech, in full honesty, but if you wished to be an actor, i also have no doubt you could do so.

acting just drew me, honestly, it’s rather intoxicating, being up there, and not to answer in a cliche, but it’s something to be someone other than myself for a bit, i suppose i blame the neil in me, which is the majority.

your hair is partially lilac now??? bee that sounds so lovely, i’ve been saving an unopened box of red dye for months now, and i think i’m going to end up doing it one night, when it’s technically morning, because i need to do something.

im fairly tall as it is, but live in my own docs as well, especially on days like this, when the only way to convince myself to get up and out without feeling as if someone is picking and peeling away my skin from me, or caking me in makeup to make me something i’m not and have no desire to be. mrs doubtfire, as it were.

im sorry for that last part, i’ve been in a steadily declining, unsteadily shaky place for the past couple of weeks, which i think is why i like being consistent with these, most days it’s the only thing that reminds me i’m here, i’m real.

in full honesty, i learned russian to write a stucky fic, which has long since been scrapped and deleted over because i hated the writing. but i loved the idea of bucky speaking russian to steve after everything, a way of coping with himself.

my parents like to say i’m a born linguist, i pick up languages fairly well, but for some reason french seems to elude me, so i think it is beyond cool that you’re relearning it, that you learned it in the first place.

honestly my relationship with language is best told by that one oscar wilde quote from the picture of dorian gray, “words! mere words! how terrible they were! how clear and vivid and cruel!“ so on and so forth.

ive been rereading your responses constantly, these days they make me feel even more seen than you already made me feel, and for that, bee, i will always be in your debt /hj /gen

i’m sorry for being a little more in my feelings this time, today came with challenges i won’t bore you with, but thank you

thank you bee. with every atom in every molecule in every cell in every tissue in every organ and so forth in my body, with every fibre of my being, with everything i am, have been, and will be, thank you. thank you for reading my silly letters and sending me letters back, thank you for saying what you do and being who you are.

thank you.

i hope you’re doing well. i hope you’re doing better than well. my love, i hope you’re happy, as happy as life will allow, and happier, because no person deserves it more than you.

all my love,

your star✨

p.s. this letter is unnecessarily deep, i’m feeling very poe-francis abernathy-henry winter-last thirty minutes of the movie neil today and it’s hard to keep out of anything i do

i love you bee <3 to cassieopeia and alpha centauri and sirius and the moon and all the way back

i woke up to this love, so thank you again for blessing me with your presence <3

you could never be a source of new stress love, don’t worry about that. in fact, replying to these is one of the calmest parts of my day!

i appreciate your faith in me star, but i would be a horrific actor due to my anxiety :( if you’d ever see my try to present something in school, it would be a sight. i bet, however, that you’re wonderful on stage, and i totally get that whole thing. being someone else, even for a short amount of time, seems like it would be thrilling

and yes!! i dyed the front portion, as i fancied a change and that seemed to make the most sense to me. i adore red hair, and i dont doubt you’d rock it like no one else!

i’m sorry to hear about that star, really. no one deserves to feel like that, especially someone as lovely as you. you are here and real, proven by my replies, and you’re important to so so many, no matter how odd you feel at the moment.

that is honestly a brilliant reason to learn russian, i love that. it’s such a cute concept too :’) i agree with them - words seem to be ingrained into you, as if it was something you were destined to do, proven by the way you seem to effortlessly produce poetry daily. i’m jealous, star, i really am. i think i’m the opposite; i have so many thoughts and ideas but i can’t seem to put them into words smoothly.

don’t ever apologise for your feelings - i’m always here as an ear, no matter what. i hope your days become a little brighter, as you don’t deserve anything but. thank you for these letters love, honestly.

all my love, star <3