exhausted health update because I have to rant somewhere lol
So we're ending day 12 of my mysterious right-sided numbness. It's moved from just my torso all the way down my right leg to my toes, so now I'm just hobbling around half numb rip. And now the torso numbness feels like im being vacuum sealed or something, just a horrible tightness and lack that makes it impossible to ignore. Went to the ER the other night and had 2 panic attacks within the span of the several hours I was there, got my bloodwork redone and a cat scan which all came back with a big Nothing on them. They told me I needed an MRI but that I'd have to go through my Primary Care and after I told them my primary wouldnt see me until May they referred me to a new primary not in my network so that's been a dead end rip.
So far everyone is pointing at my horrific anxiety as the cause but not one doctor has actually offered me help for the anxiety despite me having the active panic attacks in the office lol. My Primary wont see me for several months despite the severity of my current condition and none of the mental health programs I've reached out to will get back to me so for now I'm just. Existing in this anxiety Ouroboros where my anxiety causes my numbness which causes anxiety which causes numbness. I'm trying stupid home remedies to try and minimize the active anxiety attacks but so far we've just been circling around alternating Holy Basil, Benadryl and literally just drinking Rum and going to sleep, which sure all help my anxiety a little maybe but also make it almost impossible for me to function normally during the day. This is making art difficult so commissions are going slow which is obviously making me more anxious lol.
I also am home alone most of the week managing the household, which is made more difficult since right now the numbness in my foot/leg makes it dangerous for me to drive and difficult for me to get around my house to do daily tasks. Idk man I'm just tired as all hell and I seem to vacillate wildly between full anxiety breakdowns and depressive/dissociative episodes.
At any rate during the week I'll just be constantly calling and harassing every doctor/therapist I can get a number for trying to find someone who will be able to either address my anxiety directly or can at least get me into an MRI to rule out MS or anything else that ISNT anxiety. I'm going to become the bane of the medical profession for a while.
Wish me luck!
10 notes
·
View notes
happy wincest wednesday! a stanford era q for u: continuity error or not, it was established that sam and dean hadnt spoken for two years rather than four. what do you think happened to make this so? Do you think it has anything to do with why Dean said in the finale that he was afraid Sam would tell him to get lost or get dead?
heyyyyy bud happy wincest wednesday (a week later, cough -- oh my god what is this everyone tag on the post creator? what? okay I'll try to move past it-- )
DO I THINK
THAT IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO
WITH THE LINE
(BEST LINE!)
YOU'D TELL ME TO GET LOST OR GET DEAD?
yeah I think they're related.
I prefer not to take the 'two years' thing as a continuity error. There's no real need to? In general, it's fun to try to take what the characters say as fact and just roll with them, because often that creates a pretty interesting story on its own. Now, Sam's actual amount of time at Stanford doesn't make a ton of sense on its own, w/r/t when his birthday is, that it was only November 2005 when everything starts -- but whatever. The two years/four years thing is still rad.
We're never told that Dean didn't talk to Sam for four years -- that means that at some points in Sam's freshman & sophomore years, they were still talking. And then we're told that Dean hasn't "bothered" him in two -- and that also means that Dean knows it's two years, more or less specifically, which means that Dean's been aware of that time passing whether or not Sam has. It's not like he just showed up like 'oh hey haven't talked to little bro in a while' -- he knows it's two years, and he knows that Sam will be hostile to his showing up, and then with the extra finale context he's scared that Sam will just slam the door in his face. [that sound you hear is my high pitched wailing.] No wonder he doesn't call and breaks in, to make sure Sam won't get the opportunity for at least that initial refusal.
Maybe this is unsatisfying but I don't actually have a strong hc for what happened to create that divide. I do like to headcanon (...or maybe this is actual canon) that Sam started dating Jess right around that two year mark, and therefore his spare time was taken up with girlfriend. And then from there, it is very easy to imagine Dean calling on the road somewhere in South Carolina, trying to stay awake by bothering his little brother, but in the three hour time difference Sam's on a date with this killer blonde and he silences his phone so as not to interrupt. And then maybe Dean's in Maine and he calls Sam because he's bored on a stakeout and Sam's watching a movie with his new maybe-he-can-call-her-his-girlfriend, and he misses that call, too. And then maybe the next time they do talk, Dean's kinda snippy-bitchy because, damn, you avoiding my calls?, and Sam's kinda snippy-bitchy back because, no, but he does have a real life, Dean, he isn't just waiting around for random VH1 Behind the Music trivia. And so maybe the next time Dean thinks to call, nursing his stitches in a motel room somewhere in Texas, he decides not to. Don't want to bother big time college boy, does he. And then maybe Sam hasn't heard from Dean in a while, and he actually makes the initial call, but that time Dean's with John and sees the name come up on the screen and doesn't want to start a fight, and Sam hears it go to voicemail and thinks, fine.
Just that. Drifting apart, because that's what happens. You think someone's going to be there your whole life and then they're not. And then it's easy to think, well, maybe they're not interested. And then maybe you get mad, and then you get sad, and then you have this weird simmering unresolved something. And then two years pass.
Can I just say: oof. In some ways I find that to be way more sad than other versions -- like a big fight they had, or some intense interaction (I know a lot of people like to imagine first time Stanford sex in there), or whatever. But in this way -- this fairly realistic way -- it's not the big violent knife cut that leaves a clean edge and bleeds and maybe you can stitch it up; it's instead like... idk, erosion, or accidentally grating off a big layer of skin. Hard to patch up easy. Lots of little painful edges that can't get fixed all in one go. Fantastic fic fodder, that way. :)
68 notes
·
View notes
Home Improvement is interesting (at least in early seasons--I can't speak to later ones) because it's one of those stereotypical sitcom marriages where the husband is a meathead who makes colossal mistakes all the time, but in this case, you understand why these two stay married to each other. They have fun together! They make each other laugh! They're both very flawed people (Tim moreso, of course) but they can laugh at each other and at themselves. You get the sense that those differences and flaws are part of the reason they like each other. Sure, they fight about the Gender War Issue of the Week, but you can believe that they can fight and make up so often because their relationship is strong enough to weather it. It's just interesting to me, because I didn't expect that to be a Cheesy '90s Family Sitcom thing that held up well.
44 notes
·
View notes