#so different if he didnt get swallowed and thats the crazy part

[extravalgant]

Well done, my champion, my hero, my... dare i say it? My Scion. 

started thinkin about lemuria again and before i knew it i was 4+ hours deep into this painting of calamity . crazy stuff

IM NOT THERE YET ON MY STORM (camera pan to me dead in karamelle) but that wont stop me from getting the story ELSEWHERE... the monitoring stations with the old one always interested me . love how he called us his scion i think thats very fucked up possessive of him

anyways heres one more lil doodle

[misterradio]

house of leaves has my mind blown at such random stuff. page 97 has a check mark in the corner.

[i'll add random other musings below]

notation 127 references a real book which is even on archive dot org..!!! and it says to check out a diagram But you need to log in to view the book. AAGHH!!

page 119 it is now time to be confused on how to read this 👍

nevermind the box is just all one long footnote. and the backwards box is like a reversal of the previous box.

"this is what happens when you hurry in a maze. the faster you go, the worse you are entangled"..... UH OH !

the footnotes along the sides are just BUILDING NAMES?? and then ARCHITECTS ??????? i do really like the cyclical nature of these notes, one makes u flip thru several pages and then you have to turn the book upside down and flip back thru the same pages. the last note in this series is right at the 2nd page in this sequence but along the side. makes me think of. a spiral ::-) makes me smile.

im just now realizing some of these notation marks are letters instead of numbers....X appears several times (that footnote is on page 107) but theres also like, LL (but if the first L was reversed)? and this one is F (page 122). not sure if there is a meaning here

page 127 guys this is scary

(page 151) "I was sorry to hear he disappeared. Do you know what happened to him?" HE WHAT?????

(page 620) okay i decided to read some more letters from (checks her name) Pelafina and. this is one is. ::-(

okay i finished her letters and wah........... sad. i wonder what was the one jewelry johnny kept from her.

(page 154) i already forgot what these different names were for ermmm lol. great hall and antechamber. i forgor

(page 159) the fact that the stairwell was around 13 miles long for Roberts' crew and then for Navdison its 100 feet.... LOLLLL F--K the explorers in particular

(page 192) YAY JED and wax !!! i never thought id be so so happy to see them again. yayyy. but now getting out is the next obstacle.. F--K OFF I CANT BELIEVE HOW SOONI SPOKE f--k this book

SICKENIINNNNGGGG!!!!!!!

(page 263) I LOVE THAT there are occasional emails from people after the 1st printing and someone says "what was all that crazy stuff in the introduction about guns and blood?" THATS WHAT IM SAYIINNGGGGG

(page 272) this makes me think that the stairwell is analogous to a throat..

(page 305) once again. witnessing the staircase lengthen and groan. makes me think it is literally swallowing navy.

(page 318) im so so glad wax survived YAY

(page 320) this made me get up and start pacing and smiling. like. this house wants navy so bad. SO BAD

(page 326) JOHNNY BECOMES SELF AWARE THAT HE A FICTIONAL CHARACTEr (scary)

btw i did find ouf the letters used in notations are actually symbols bc there is a photo of a graph of them on the inner cover. i dont actualy know how to look up what they are called at all tbh. theyre like. aircraft related.

(page 342) bruh this is new and scary. fhe house's shifting horror now extending beyond the imposible hallways but into the main house ...... what the......

(page 397) everyone in this book is so FREUDIAN !!!! like all the psychology is so fruedian i think.

(page 402) im so fascinated by these dream scenes i didnt expdct this book to really have a dream scene but there u go ^^__^^ im sad the promised third dream is missing......

OH YEAH BABY WE ACTUALLY HAVE A MINOTAUR PRESENT also in a dream scene. EVERYONE GIVE IT UP FOR A MINOTAUR PRESENCE

(page 406) this is some like. reverse tma thing. you know how in tma everyone who gives a statement to jon has nightmare of him. this is like what if jon did something to absolve everyone of their nightmares. huh. (also i havent gotten past this part i dont even know what navidson Does back in the house yet.........)

OH I JUST REALIZED THE SKETCHES IN APPENDIX II ARE JOHNNY'S. he mentioned doodling on any scraps of paper he had like mail and i was like heh. just like in the appendix. OH WAIT

i love that tgis chapter does NOT end in a period and ends with an open-ended sentence that segues into the next chapter. thats so neat ::-) idek if navy is still alive like wtf i dont know yet SHHH shhhh

(page 425) the dread this is imbuing in me. the floors tilting slightly wherever navy goes to guide him along. youre at the mercy of this house now..

(page 465) WHAT THE ? THIS BOOK IS WITHIN THISBBOOK? (navidson has a book titled house of leaves) WHAT?

(page 468) this desolation almost made me cry somehow . maybe logcially its not the worst thing thats happened in this book but the nothingness is crushing

this part makes u turn the book around a lot and i really did get a sense of dizziness while reading bc i realized i didnt know whether the text i was reading was really along the bottom of the page or what... also im still so tripped up that they mention this book by name, even say how many pages it has, and that 'maybe some of the pages are hard to read'. bro.

the song on page 479 is apparently "when johnny comes marching home" which i had to look up but thats where the tune of that song the ants go marching one by one comes from???? u learn something new every day.

i like that the footnote on page 488 is another of those aeronautic symbols (theres a chart of some of them on a collage in the back) and this one means "heavily injured, need a doctor"...............

(page 527) "and whenever she laughs the notes sing a call to Victory" STARTS BAWLING

okay i done YAYYYYYYYYY AAAUUUUUHHHHHHHHHGGGGHHHHHHHHHH i have yet to finish the appendices....

[ablackfangirlwrites]

Jealous

A/n: y'all should already know I really like beyonce and I really like fics inspired by music so this is just a product of that 😘 I linked the song in the title

Also language warning? Da be cursing in this one

You watched the clocks hit 4am

Keigo should have been home hours ago

Yet he wasnt

Not even a call or text

Clearly he forgot or he didnt care

And all you could do was sit there alone and feel pathetic

Your tears had already dried up a half hour ago

But that didnt mean you felt anything less then humiliated as you sat there with the now empty bottle of champagne and half naked in the lingerie you bought

It was your two year anniversary

You had it all planned out although you didnt plan for him to be a no show

But you could only blame yourself for that

Having a hero as a boyfriend is difficult

Anyone who was in a relationship with one would agree with that

But you were sure you had it just a bit worse

Because your boyfriend just so happened to be the number 2 hero

You thought it was bad when he was just number 3

But since hawks started holding the second spot it kept getting worse

At first things were fine; Great even.

He was a dotting boyfriend the two of you talked and laughed with each other about everything

Anyone who saw you together wouldn't have any doubts that you were in love

And you knew being in an official relationship would be difficult he was a hero after all

And especially since he didnt even want anyone knowing about the two of you

But you remember all those sweet words keigo would tell you

"I don't know what I'd do without you babe."

"I dont want anyone else sweetheart."

"Kid you're the most important person in my life."

"I love you y/n."

But that was the thing keigo said those things keigo was the one who kept promises he was the one you fell in love with

Not hawks

They were different people

Hawks was the man who put everything above you

The one whos lies and refuses to be straight with you

The one who shuts you out

The one who shamelessly flirted with everyone even on national tv knowing you'd see

But still didnt seem to care

And if he didn't care why should you?

Hawks got home around 6am and saw the place a mess

Curtain on the floor, broken glass. Everything disheveled

He almost thought someone had broken in and had a fight

But he knew bettter when he saw you sitting on the couch mascara stain on your face

"Shit." He mutter to himself

He knew exactly why you were upset and had this tantrum

But it wasnt exactly like he could pause in the middle of a mission to text you

"Im sorry y/n." He said sitting a banquet of roses down beside you

But keigo knew at this point those flowers were useless

"You think thats supposed to make me feel better?" You said bitterly

"Babe-"

"Dont fucking babe me." You yelled at him, "You forgot! I sat up all night looking like an idiot and you forgot because when it comes down to it you don't care about anyone but yourself keigo!"

"I was working."

"Like I believe that," you shook your head, "I bet you were with one of your new sidekicks. I bet you were just showing off for one of your adoring fans forgetting that im here."

You knew he was telling the truth he had no reason to lie about it

But in your mind you wanted to yell, you wanted to be angry you wanted to hurt him like he had been hurting you

Because tonight wasnt the first time he didnt keep a promise as of late or just simply neglected you

This had been boiling for a while and now the pot was over flowing

Hawks grew more frustrated as you yelled you were making stuff up and it wasn't even his fault

"It wasn't like that," he tired to talk only for you to jump in

"Save it hawks." You rolled your eyes walking out the room, "just admit you dont appreciate me cause you're comfortable knowing im just sitting here waiting on you and you don't have to put any real effort when you want to get your dick wet."

Keigo followed you from the other room yelling, "You know that isnt true! And you knew how this relationship was going to be from the beginning!"

"What realtionship?" You yelled, "You're barely home! I never see you anymore, and when I do its either you on tv flirting with some random person! Or when were here together you dont talk anymore! How do you think that makes me feel?"

You were letting your fears and jealousies speak, "is it someone else? Are you fucking somebody else Keigo."

"You are so insane of course not! Im working all the time its commission stuff I cant talk about it." Keigo knew deep down you were right he had been drifting away but that was because of work not because he was falling out of love with you

But maybe it was the stress of being up all night or because he was angry that you were clearly yelling at him for no reason he didint tell you that instead he yelled "You're being so fucking paranoid."

"Dont just brush me off-" but Hawk cut you off this time

"If I wanted to fuck someone else trust me kid I would, and I can cause if you hadn't noticed im pretty popular."

"You're such an asshole!"

"And your crazy!"

"Then why do you even bother Keigo! Just go!" You said throwing a pillow from your bed at him

"You're right I should! Cause its fucking pointless when your-you're acting like such a bitch." He said catching it and throwing it on the floor

His words hurt and you knew you had been pushing him to yell but still not wanting to let go you yelled with hot tears in your eyes, "I hate you!"

You both seemed to freeze once those words were spoken

You wanted to immediately take it back

You wanted to tell him that you didnt hate him that you loved him so much that it hurt

That all you really wanted tonight was to spend it in his arms

But you couldn't swallow your pride

Instead you turned away from him

Keigo knew things had already gone too far when he chased after you yelling

He felt guilty about his words

He didnt mean anything he had said, ...you kno- I- Im sorry y/n." He tried to reach out to you but you pulled away from him

"I cant do this anymore Keigo..."

Panic was clear on his face once you spoke those words

Couldnt do what?

Him? You two have aruged before you can get over it, "Y/n-"

"Ill sleep on the couch tonight." You said leaving the room and keigo

Who could only sit and wonder what would become of your relationship in the morning

Y'all bet ur sweet asses there'll be a part 2

[oh-for-fic-sake]

The Deal Part Three

Summary: august doesn't know how to lose.

Warnings: Adult Situations +18, Slight Smut, Mentioned Threesomes, M/M, M/F/M, poly relationship, Toys, Seduction, Dom Sub, BDSM, Praise Kink, Swearing.

August hummed running a finger back and forth on the rim of his glass as he watched the screen,you were on the bed rocking onto your new toy like crazy.

"She really does this everyday?" Clark asked from beside him with a frown, but august could see the kid was turned on, licking and biting his lip as you fucked yourself desperately with your new vibrator.

"Everyday, for a week now..." august hummed twisting his chair to and fro flicking his gaze from the subby on screen to the soon to be sub sat beside him.

"... am i? Am i not enough?" Clark asked tentatively blinking at agaust in a way that made the agent smile smugly.

"Its not that kid, shes gone without playing our game for soo long she forgot how addictive it is, how much she needs it" he explained.

"Needs? Have... i mean shes missed it?" Clark uttered feeling less confident in his ability to satisfy you by the second.

"Probably not, well not untill our little experiment"

"Why?" Clark asked still not understanding

"Being a sub is... more then just sex, subs need to submit its therapeutic for them... when in a scene they just let themselves go, all worry and stress disappear. All they need to do is live in the moment and obey" august began slowly as he stopped swaying his chair and faced clark head on pinning him with a look.

It was there, the curiosity. Good. Its what he hoped for, it was why he'd called clark there to 'catch up'

It was time to make his move, top the man of steel whilst having you making your own little porno in the background to help things along.

"So she cant truly relax without it?" Clark muttered still unaware of the agents motives.

"In a sense yes. She craves being dominated, its as natural to her as being a goody two shoes is for you" august purred placing his drink on the glass computer table fendingnoff a smirk as clark took the bait.

"Hey! Im not a goody two shoes-" the kryptonian grunted offended.

But august was prepared, he'd planned this meeting meticulously and his anwser rolled off his tongue with a laugh.

"Your thirty five years old and have absolutly no run ins with the law, no parking fines no speeding tickets hell you never even had a single detention in your entire shcool life! Or have you handed in an assignment or book report in late"

"But i killed a man- i took a life" clark tried to argue but was waed off with another laugh.

"Zod was no man, he was a fucking alien... no offence, you took a life to save billions... so its not really making you a badass"

"Lazer vision is pretty badass..." clark huffed slumping back in his seat now looking like a classic putig brat.

"Oh? Is my litttle clark sulking?" August cooed gravely voice making clark pause at the sultry tone... he must be hearing things.

"Im not sulking! And im not your anything!" Clark growled snapping at the agent.

"Behave yourself!" August growled leveling him with a look, and couldnt help smirk again as clark shut himself up and flushed.

Your desperate cries called out over the moniter as you rutting onto the toy the wet sounds adding to the scene.

Clark flushed finalky turning away from august making the agent preen. Oh he had him in the palm of his hand already~

"Good boy. You are arent you? A very good boy clark- the best" august purred leaning forward gazing at the younger man with a cheshire grin, that only grew wider as clark flushed brighter and shuddered.

"I.. err well yes" clark panted shiftingnin his seat tryingmto keep his eyes on the screen as you wailed and yelped trying to draw out a climax.

"Oh whats this? Your going all shy on me? Tell me is it because i called you a good boy~ do you like praise clark?" Augusut grinned leaning closer still to the now frozen younger male

"N-no its err... i should go-" clark started shuffljng backwards needing to get out of here, because it was true. He loved praise especially in the bedroom, he loved being told how good he was.

August purringnat him whilst he eyes were fixed on you rollingnaroundnin bed toying yourslef into a sexual frenzie was... making him think of thingsnhe probably shouldnt.

"No. Sit, stay... thats it, theres nothing to be embarrassed about, many powerful men enjoy being praised" August growled latching onto clarks arms holding them to the arms of the seat.

"Being taken care of, told what to do~" august purred standing befor the mighty man of steel leaning close to his face.

Clark gulped but didnt move back, he didnt pull away like he should have.

Instead he eyed augusts lips, clark had the overwhelming urge to.aste them.

It confused him, he'd never ever dabbled in same sex relationships, never experimented. Never shared a woman with another before that fatefull night.

But for some reason august was apealing, drawing clark in. August was apble to overpower him, not physically but he commanded obedience.

August held a dangerous cocksure demeanor that clark rarely saw.

"Is that what you want? Clark~ do you want to be controlled and praised just once? More then once?" August hummed dippjng closer and closer, clark couldnt help tipp his head up.

"Y/n is always such a brat. Just look at her, desperately trying to fuck herself into a coma, despite knowing we hadnt allowed her to touch her pussy" august pulled the pffice chair clark was sat in to closer to him, making the kryptonian drown in his scent, the cologne and sweet arousal that was alreading sworling arohnd him.

Clark swallowed dryly, unsure what was happeningnto him, the sounds of yu moaning a crying ot so sweetly, the praise and authority radiating off august in waves.

It was the same dominant aura and comanding deep voice that had made crks cock twitch in both threesomes they had indulged.

Clark had tried denying it at the time, convincing himslef he was cuaght up in the erotic forbidden act. It was just a thrill of the moment thing. It didnt bmean he wanted the older dominating alpha male and all his bravado.

August grinned shifting forward again filling clarks vision, for a human auguast was large, almost as large as he was.

"Sure she'll listen when she feels like it but... I can't help thinking she needs a role model..." clark hummed absentmidely nodding agreeing falling further into his own haze.

"Someone else to show her how she should behave... someone who will get rewarded for being soo good... maybe a good boy?" August purred finally taking the plunge and weaving jis way around the man. His words coiling around the younger male ensnareing him in his carefully constructed web of teasing words.

Clakr gasped as his chin was captured by the agent forcing him to look him in the eye.

"Would you like that clark? Do you want to be not just a good boy, but my good boy-our good boy?" The words hung in the air, winding the man of steel.

"W-what?" He stuttered tryingnto fathom what the older man meant. But couldnt deny the excitment in his gut.

Did he mean it? Would he really include clark in this kink? Make it official and let these forbidden threesomes continue?

"Oh dont play coy, i know what your thinking~ its natural to be curious, just think we could all be one~" august whispered movjng his thumb over clarks bottom lip.

"We could all play together and all get what we need." He purred smirking as clark gave all the right signs, eyes wide, pupils blown wide shifting in his seat as he cock rose, curtesy of both his praise and the loud wanton moans from you bringing yourslef to the edge of rapture yet again.

"You get the praise and love of a little brat, and a strict dom, y/n gets a role model, a dom and keeps her life partner" august listed shifting on his feet again reeling clark in with low coos full of promise.

The agent curled his hand, cupping clarks cheek coaxing him closer luring his face closer.

"A-And you?" Clark dared to utter, feeling both excited, anxious and overwhelmed, he wanted nothing but to jump at the chance, but was frightened at the same time.

He would admit he'd been a little jealous of all the praise you'd got from august in both encounters.

Closingnhis eyes imagining it was him! That the older influential man had been calljng him a good boy, had been teling him how impressed he was, how proud he was!

Clark was embarrassed and had quickly shook away the desperate thoughts. He wasnt gay, why would he have such thoughts?

He summarised he was just too needy and had gone without. You told him how brilliant and big he was, how sexy and strong and fantastic he is in the bedroom but... with august it was different.

The older male praised down at him! Cooing and fussing at him in a different way. Treated him like a sub and clark liked it. Probably too mucn.

"I get the little brat i've been missing and a very very good boy"

"So what do you say, do you want to let go? Be free and experience things you'd only dreamt of?" August preened keeping clarks attention fixed on him asmhe manipulated him, august had noticed clark had a praise kink.

A weakness. A need who was august to pass up useing the little kink to get the subby he wanted~

"I...I'm..." clark hesitated looking passed august to you on the screen who was digging around beside your bed looking for something.

"All you have to do is say the words clark, just say yes sir and you can have all the pleasure and praise you could ever hope for~ both you and y/n we could make this permanent"

"See look? Just watch, y/n needs her dom, needs to be tamed again we could do it clark... you can show her how to be good again~" august breathed over clarks cheek side steppjng him to reveal the screen.

And clark did look, groaning as he saw that you had rolled over and was straddling a different suction cup dildo stuck to a little hand mirror face up on the bed slapping your own ass as you bounced frantically.

"Just say those words and we can help her together" august hummed into his ear like the devil on his shoulder, tempting him

Clark gasped feeling augusts breath on his neck, his wisters ghosting the delicat skin.

Then in a bold move the older man pressed a soft feather light kiss to the kryptonian's neck.

And it worked

"I... y-yes, can we? Please sir" clark breathed out stuttering and jumbling his words unable to hold back his pleading.

"Good boy clark~ such a good seet boy you are~ i knew it, knew youd be brave enough, you've made me soo proud" august showered him with praise biting off a victorious grin.

Clark mewled closingnhis eyes for a second beaming a smile feeling this strange relaxation take over, suddenly he felt free, and small.

It was a feeling he craved, being the strongest all the time was a heavy burden to bare, now he could feel powerless for once.

August chuckled and pressed another kiss to clark this time on his cheek making the younger male's cheeks glow.

August couldnt get enough, the power trip of having the man of steel under his command was far to intoxicating.

"Now why dont you go get our little brat and we can tie her up and show her that good subby's get rewards" august prompted him stepping around clark completely letti g himstand up.

Clark nodded and shot off out onto the balcony and leapt into the sky eagwr to please his new dom and do as he was told.

August took his seat agin wrappjng his fingers around his glass of scotch and raised the glass to the screen that now had both his subs onscreen, as clark wrangled you into his arms wrapping the bedsheet arohnd you.

"Mission accomplished" he hummed smirking as clark wrapped you in your soiled bedsheet before you both disappeared off screen.

He stood and knocked back the last of his drink and padded across the pent house heading to the play room just as he heard both of hos little subs land and enter his home.

[thequeenb]

LOST LOVE (PART 3)

Author's note: English isnt my first language excuse my mistakes

Pairings: KamilahxMC(Amy)

Plot of part 3: Kamilah has to face her deepest fear.. choosing between life and death enemies and loved ones..will Amy be saved?

Warning: violence, blood graphic content

I made it angsty af enjoy;)

Kamilah was on the floor growling as she tried to get up. Never in her 2063 years saw someone with such strength. All the power radiating from Amy's body was scary yet draw them in.

Amy moved and sit in Gaius legs stroking his face "My powerful warrior we will finally release our dream..humans will pay and we will rule the world..better for our kind". Kamilah's eyes were tearing up hearing her lover's voice saying such words broke her heart but the worst was yet to come Amy kissed Gaius passionately moaning against his lips "I love you my goddess". "I love you my warrior". Everyone stared in disbelief

Lily cried, Jax had his katana out, Adrian was ready to attack and Kamilah ready to snap Gaius neck for what he had done to Amy. Before they can think twice Amy's voice made them stop "Well well..i see my warrior's plan was genius.. centuries trapped in a wooden prison i am finally free" her eyes burning red the betrayal made her furious. "Gaius gave you the gift be powerful even compared to a God and you felt compassion for humans? The kind who killed you torture you hunt you throughout the years??!!" She raised her voice. The power was fascinating they couldn't resist the sight of the goddess's spirit in the room. She was walking closer to them with a devilish smile. "This helpless human was hard to give up" she smiled wider walking towards Kamilah. She was on her guard ready to fight but she felt powerless. Rheya was to strong."She kept saying a name.. resisting" she touched Kamilah's chin deep red eyes watching hers "To bad she is dead right "Vamprire Queen"?" She flinched to these words her fangs threatening she push her back but she cant help but hesitate..its Amy's body.. Amy's face. Adrian run towards Gaius Jax helped him and Lily threw bolts with her crossbow to the traitors. Kamilah was standing there lost in thought throughout the chaos around her.

"God Kamilah you work to much you are a workholic" Amy said as she smiled. Kamilah looked up from her laptop and placed her perfectly manicured fingers on the desk. "I am a what now?" Kamilah's brow raised. "Oh you know a workholic? I mean you work to much". Kamilah stood up from her chair and came towards Amy and placed her hands on the girl's waist. "Oh?" She heard the mortal's breath catch in her throat as she leaned closer and bite her earlobe "i can take you right here in the office" Amy had goosebumps all over her body..she needed Kamilah.. desired her but that wasn't the reason she was here. "As much as i would like to continue thats not why i am here" Kamilah pulled back her expression unreadable "I am listening" she said as she went to the cabinet and brought out a wine and 2 glasses. "Well.." the girl lost her voice..she was scared to tell her about her weird dreams. What if she didn't believe her? Think she is crazy? What if she didnt knew who that gorgeous woman was who called her in her dreams? She sighed "forget its nothing" Kamilah moved forward again holding her hands in hers. Amy was surprised at the soft touch and worrying eyes she saw in the CEO. She swallowed hard and kissed her passionately. Hoping she wont ask her what's wrong. "Wow Amy avoiding problems with sex you are so smart" she thought to herself..but the CEO didnt lost a beat and they continued endless hours making her mortal screaming her name.

Kamilah shook her head..it all made sense. She blames herself for ignoring Amy's worrying eyes and fears. She could have protected her..hold her, be with her right now. But instead she was facing the most powerful vamprire in her lovers body. Amy in a blink of an eye pinned Kamilah against the wall watching her deep in the eyes.

Memories flash like a wind in Kamilah's mind.

"Kami?" Amy said she turned to the other side "are you awake?". Kamilah turned around with worrying eyes "what happened?" She reached and pull her in a close hug "i just had a nightmare and i dont want to sleep". Kamilah stroked the girl's hair a soft voice she wasn't used to make "well you want to tell me?" Amy didn't respond she pretended to sleep..she didnt want to make Kamilah worry with her stupid mortal problems. Maybe its just nightmares. Kamilah kissed Amy's forehead and kept sleeping.

Kamilah felt tears down her cheeks..her sweet human was invaded by a monster..she watched as Amy's hand was placed on her neck she closed her eyes ready for her fate. She couldn't hurt Amy even if Rheya had taken over. "Oh you surrender that easily? Thats who Gaius called his powerful Queen?" She let out a sarcastic laugh. Eyes red and fangs ready to attack Kamilah pushed her away sending her to the ground. Amy chuckled and grabbed a stake she found near by and with a lightning speed was Infront of Kamilah, the stake near her heart she looked deep into her lovers eyes..at least the last thing she would see was Amy. She closed her eyes accepting her death that awaited. A soft voice shaky and scared spoke to her surprise "Ka- k- Kamilah?" She said as she let the stake fall to the floor. Kamilah opened her eyes and she was shocked..sudden joy in her expression "Oh Am--" "YOU STUPID MORTAL STOP FIGHTING.. EMBRACE THE POWER" again that scary voice she heard before came back. Being distracted to her advantage Kamilah pins Amy to the ground "Amy please come back to me..i love you..i need you i--" She watched Amy's eyes flicker from red to green..to green to red.. until they settled in her beautiful colour Kamilah fell in love with Kamilah's eyes were soft wet until she realised Gaius was watching even though Adrian kept him busy. To Amy's surprise Kamilah rolled and now she was on top "Kamilah what are y--" "Shh Amy play along he will take you away from me again" her voice lower than a whisper her eyes full of fear. Amy's hand grabbed the stake with her shaky hand placing it on Kamilah's heart trying to sound like Rheya she says "My love we shouldn't kill them yet" she got up walking towards Gaius. Adrian watching Amy's green eyes backs away hesitantly. "Her power is so strong you are scared of her my prince?" He laughed loudly as his hands reached Amy's. At first she flinched, her hands shaking but she quickly recovered knowing the risks. "As he should my warrior". Adrian looked confusingly until he felt Kamilah's arms around him watching Amy's every move "We should torture them, show them how powerful we are" Gaius grinned and looked satisfied. "Of course my goddess" but before he could move forward to her dear friends she gripped the stake and dipped it deep into his chest. He turned around anger in his eyes "YOU--" before he could speak Kamilah run towards Amy and they all stared to the ashes Infront of their eyes. Amy fell to her knees she felt weak scared until 2 strong protective arms held her tight. "I am here habibti.." was the last words she heard before she fainted. "Amy.." she heard as slowly opened her eyes "Ka- Kamilah?" Kamilah got a protective arm around her lover

"What happened? I- Rheya where is she? Is she inside me still?" She started breathing heavier "i- i missed you.." Kamilah gave her a kiss tears of relief running down her cheeks "i missed you too i promise i never let anyone near you again..i failed you.. i-" Amy got up slowly and hug her tight "Shhh its ok..before i was captured by king asshole" Amy said and Kamilah let out a laugh Amy hadn't heard that laugh in a while she saw her bright smile she missed she looked at her hair and stroke them..she touched her face she kissed it..she looked at her body she held it tight.. everything she missed she kissed..she got lost in her levender perfume. Tears ran down her cheeks and Kamilah using her thumbs wiped them away. " Well before he take me..i wanted you to know how much i love you Kamilah..i have feelings for you..i wanted to tell you that night..i wanted you to know before anything happens" her voice broke a little as she started sobbing "and when i laid eyes on you i felt like you can see my soul..i like the way you open little by little to me..i like the way you dress elegantly and damn it what conditioner you use look at that hair" She stroked her hair as she continued Kamilah chuckled "i like everything in you ok? You make me feel safe.." the vamprire looked at her speechless but quickly recovered and took a deep breath. "I love you too Amy..since he took you i couldn't stop blaming myself..i felt like i will never see you again i couldn't bear it" she took the girl's hands in hers "i am yours habibti..i will always be i love that you are always optimistic that you are brave..direct different.. magnetic you can say" she kissed the outside of her hand "i will keep you safe" Amy hadn't stoped crying she kissed the vamprire softly..she fell in the pillows holding Kamilah they shared a comfortable silence and as Amy was starting to relax "Schwarzkopf" she says..and Amy turned and looked at her brow arched "you asked what conditioner i use" They both laughed much before dripping off to sleep. Amy was safe in Kamilah's arms. Kamilah for the first time felt peaceful. And they both looked forward to a future together.

[cas-lost-grace]

Dare

As demanded by @mythicalesbian , @dascean , @ailuromatron , @theladydetective , @anxious-gay-dinosaur , @casbeanie (I probably forgot someone)

A sequel of Truth or Dare, explicit, college!au, first time, friends to lovers

It must be Murphy’s law that when you drunkenly decide to do something you don’t have the courage for while sober, the moment you are about to actually do it, you instantly sober up.

Dean watches as Cas closes the door and sits on Dean’s bed and his head is suddenly painfully clear.

Dean leans his back against the door and runs his hands over his face.

"Dean? Are you okay?"

Dean shakes his head but doesn’t elaborate.

Castiel stands up and with a concerned expression on his face walks towards Dean.

"What’s wrong?" he asks tilting his head.

"Do you... do you really want to do it?"

"What? Finger you? Yes. I’d like to suck your cock too if that’s fine."

Dean closes his eyes and lets his head hit the door.

"How can you just... we- we’re-"

"Friends?"

Dean looks at him and nods, glad that he understands.

"Yes, we are, Dean. But I’m also very attracted to you. And it´s mutual judging by how determined you’ve been all night to get me undressed."

Dean’s lips part, but he doesn’t get a chance to say anything.

Cas gives him a small sad smile and brushes his fingertips down Dean’s jaw.

"But you’re right, Dean. We shouldn’t do it. Not like this, not because of a dare. If I’m ever going to do anything sexual with you, it has to be because you actually want it." With that, he reaches around Dean for the door handle.

For a moment, Dean imagines he lets Cas go, then wakes up in the morning still wanting him but never ever finding the courage so they will stay very frustrated friends.

"Wait!"

Cas looks at him. His eyes are wide and his cheeks are still flushed and he’s wearing just his boxers. How the hell could Dean let him go?

"I want it," Dean basically spits the words out. Cas squints at him.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, yeah I’m sure just... could we like... maybe... kiss first? If that’s okay?"

Cas looks like he’s trying to hold back a grin, but his lips still curl into a smile.

"Of course, Dean. You didn’t expect me to throw you on the bed and just fuck you with my fingers, did you?"

"I-uh." Dean rubs the back of his neck, his cheeks feel on hot. Cas huffs out a laugh.

"Come here, you dumbass, let me kiss you."

Dean looks up and before he can realize that they are really about to do it, Cas is leaning in and pressing their lips together.

Technically it’s like any other first kiss. A little awkward and hesitant before they get in sync with each other.

But other than this, it’s totally different than any other kiss Dean’s ever had. Because it’s Cas. It’s Cas and his lips are very soft, his tongue pointy and downward sinful and his shoulders are firm under Dean’s hands and his hair is all fluffy and it’s Cas. Smart, kind, dorky Cas that Dean’s been fascinated by from the first moment he met him. And now they are kissing and it’s blowing Dean’s mind making him feel even drunker than he’s felt before.

"Still want it?" Cas asks, his lips bearly leaving Dean’s.

"More than ever," Dean answers truthfully.

 Dean’s still nervous as they stumble onto the bed, but Cas’ kisses distract him enough that he doesn’t entirely freak out when he finds himself on his back, his pants and underwear being pulled off.

"Wow, nice," Cas breathes out when Dean’s cock bobs against his belly. Dean’s cheeks feel so like they might go up in flames any minute.

"Thanks, I guess," he mutters. Cas chuckles and leans down to mouth at the base of Dean’s cock.

"Oh fuck!" Dean cries out. His arms fly up to grab the headboard.

Cas lets out another deep chuckle and rescues Dean’s feet from his clothes. He runs his palms up Dean’s hairy thighs, his stare is so intense on Dean’s body it’s almost unbearable. Dean tries not to twitch as Cas’ touch gives him goosebumps.

Cas’ hands tighten on Dean’s hipbones and he actually licks his lips before diving down and swallowing Dean’s cock.

Dean gasps for breath. He’s had blowjobs before, quite a lot, but nobody has ever blown him like this, with such devotion, like Dean’s the best thing he’s ever had in his mouth. Dean makes a sound that’s halfway between a moan and a sob, desperately trying not to push deeper into Cas’ throat.

Cas pulls off with an obscene wet sound and looks at Dean. His lips are even pinker than normally and his blue irises are almost entirely swallowed up by black pupils. Dean clenches his teeth feeling like he might come from the sight alone.

"So," Cas says as he straightens and pushes lightly at Dean’s knees to make him bent them. "When you did it yourself, how many fingers did you take?"

Dean’s boiling blood all drained to his cock but now it’s in his cheeks again.

"Just one," he admits breathlessly. "And I’ve never been with a guy." He bites his lip the moments the words are out. He has no idea why he said it. Cas’ eyes widen in surprise and for a brief moment, Dean dreads that Cas might back off.

"Not at all?" Cas asks. Dean shakes his head.

"I... I know I’m into guys I just... never acted on it."

"Hmm," Cas’ deep voice rumbles as he looks down at Dean. "Then I’d better try really hard to not ruin it for you," he says and rubs his stubbled cheek against Dean’s knee.

Dean thinks he might be already ruined for anyone else, but he fortunately manages to keep these words for himself.

Cas pushes Dean’s knees further up. Dean has to steady his breathing when he basically feels Cas’ stare on his hole.

Cas runs the pad of his thumb over the puckered flesh making Dean shiver.

Cas hums again like he’s deep in thoughts. "You know what? I changed my mind."

Dean gapes at him, terrified. If Cas is going to leave now, he’ll die of embarrassment.

"I want to eat you out."

"What?"

Cas frowns. "Use my mouth, on your hole. I’m pretty sure you’ll like it."

"But... but what about you? Isn’t it like... disgusting?"

Cas huffs out a laugh. "Don’t worry about me. I’m gonna enjoy this just fine." With that, he puts his hands on Dean’s ass cheeks to pull them apart and leans down.

"Cas!" Dean cries when the hot wet tongue drags over his sensitive rim.

Cas hums-a sound that’s starting to drive Dean crazy and licks and sucks. Dean lets go of the headboard to grab onto Cas’ hair tugging slightly. He knows he’s moaning like his life depends on it but he’s unable to stop himself. The sensations are so new and intimate and exciting.

He’s actually a little relieved when Cas stops because he’s started to feel overwhelmed. He looks at Cas who’s looking just slightly less out of breath than Dean feels.

"Good?" Cas asks.

"I’m having a heart attack."

Cas grins at him. "Ready for more?"

Dean nods. It will be a great way to die.

"Lube?" Cas asks.

"The second drawer," Dean says gesturing towards the nightstand. He’s glad he doesn’t have to move.

Cas crawls over him to reach the drawer. When he’s about to pull away, Dean grabs his shoulder. It’s so thick it makes Dean angry.

Cas looks at Dean with surprise but he relaxes when Dean pulls him down for a kiss. The taste is strange, but it’s the idea of where that mouth has been that makes Dean shiver.

"Are you really okay?" Cas asks softly, his lips just a breath away from Deans. "We can stop here for now."

"Don’t you dare," Dean growls. Cas chuckles as he resumes his position between Dean’s legs.

He squeezes out some lube and rubs it between his palms to warm it.

"The angle is different so I’ll be able to push deeper than when you do it yourself."

Dean nods, his abandoned cock twitches at the idea.

"You need to let me know if something feels off. Okay?"

"I will. Just go on before I lose my nerve."

"Okay, try to relax," Cas suggests before brushing his wet fingertips over Dean’s hole. He pushes his index in, just to the first knuckle. Dean focuses on taking deep slow breaths. He squeezes his eyes shut and lets himself be overtaken by the sensation of Cas’ finger pushing deeper. It’s good, it’s familiar until it’s more than Dean’s used to. He moans and clenches his muscles which enhances the feeling of being filled and makes him moan even more.

"You okay?" Cas asks.

"I’m great."

Cas runs his free hand up Dean’s chest under his shirt and pinches his nipple making Dean hiss before he starts to move his finger inside Dean.

"Fuck yes," Dean sighs. He reaches for his cock, but Cas bats his hand away.

"No. Leave it up to me."

"Okay, okay, fine, oh god!" Dean cries out when Cas touches a spot inside him that makes his whole body clench with a shock of pleasure.

"Dean Winchester, let me introduce you to your prostate."

"Fuck!"

"Amazing, isn’t?"

Instead of a reply, Dean sobs into the back of his hand as Cas brushes over his prostate again and again.

"I’m going to add another finger," Cas informs and takes Dean’s incoherent sound as an affirmative.

Dean bites his lip and groans at the stretch and burn.

"Relax, babe, I’ve got you."

Dean opens his eyes. The utter focus with which Cas is looking at him is beautiful. His free hand is moving over Dean’s thigh in a soothing gesture. Dean wonders if anyone ever cared for his pleasure and comfort this much. He feels his body opening for Cas, letting him in and he’s rewarded by a feeling of fullness.

"God, Dean, you’re so beautiful," Cas says as he fucks Dean steadily. "I wish you could see yourself as I do right now. Loving my fingers up your ass. Your hole stretched around them, your cock leaking, your face... fuck Dean, it’s better than I imagined."

"You...you did?"

"Yeah. This and much more. You on your knees sucking my cock, you bend over the kitchen table, you in my lap."

Dean’s trembling, his body feels like a livewire, his climax is closing in.

"Cas, please," he moans.

Moving his hand faster, pushing it deeper and harder, Cas leans down and wraps his lips around Dean’s cock.

And Dean loses it. He thinks he might have shouted a somewhat coherent warning before his vision blacks out and he’s coming harder than ever. His body spasms so hard hi arches his back off the bad and kicks his legs out.

He opens his eyes, gasping for breath, his heart hammering against his breastbone.

Cas is grinning down at him. He has his boxers down to his knees and his hard cock in his hand.

It seems he didn’t pull back fast enough because there’s a speck of come on his chin.

Without thinking, Dean grabs the back of his head and pulls him down. Cas collapses on top of him with a huff and freezes a little when Dean licks his own jizz off his face.

Then they are kissing. Dirty and wet. Dean grabs Cas’ ass when he starts to rock his hips dragging his cock through the hot sticky mess on Dean’s stomach.

It feels so amazing Dean would come again if it was physically possible.

Cas moans Dean’s name when his orgasm hits and Dean holds him tight against his chest as Cas rides it.

 They take a few long minutes to just bask in the afterglow. Then Cas pushes himself up and uses the kleenex on Dean’s nightstand to clean them up.

Cas suddenly seems very silent, the confidence with which he took Dean apart is gone. He pulls his boxers up and sits on the edge of the bed. Dean reaches for his arm.

"Are you gonna stay?"

Cas actually flinches at Dean’s words sending a pang of panic through Dean’s chest.

"I don’t think it’s a good idea," he says not looking Dean in the face.

It takes Dean a moment to find his breath. "Why?"

Cas finally turns to him. There’s a deep crease between his brows, his eyes sre sad. "Because there’s a good chance you’ll wake up in the morning and regret what we’ve done."

Dean mirrors his frown. "I don’t think so. And even if, we’re friends, we can figure it out."

Cas’ lips curl up but it lacks mirth. "Friends with benefits?"

"I don’t know. Maybe. If that’s what you want. Maybe something else."

Cas raises an eyebrow.

"Like boyfriends maybe?"

A sharp feeling like a bolt of lightning runs down Dean’s spine. He realizes it’s equal parts anxiety and excitement.

"You’d want that?" his voice sounds weak to his own ears.

"It’s what I dreamed of the most."

Dean huffs out the breath that he was holding. He tugs at Cas’ arm and Cas lies down next to him.

"Truth or dare?" Dean asks.

Cas’ eyes darken. "Dare."

"Be my boyfriend."

[missjackil]

My 14x11 Opinion

Damaged Goods

I have so many feelings about this episode!! Its been the hardest one to wait for all season because we were teased all week about this mysterious hug!! I am trash for brohugs, I wont even lie. Any episode that includes a brohug gets bonus points from me!! But what was different about this brohug than others? It was a slip in from behind hug that Sam wasnt expecting. Gentle, and cautious, yet full off angst and despiration. 

The scene was set in a way that assured me this episode would be emotional. The library dimly lit while Sam while Sam researches for ways to help Dean. Dean wont even answer the question when Sam asks how hes feeling. Dean just doesnt want to talk about this. He makes it known though that he appreciates the effort Sam has been putting into trying to help, and Sam responds, “of course... always” . He’s not looking for praise or appreciation, its just something he is gonna do. He’s gona help Dean. Thats all. To him its like getting up in the morning and going to the bathroom. It doesnt matter what else is going on in the world, this is what’s gonna happen.now.Deans in trouble. Sam is gonna help.

Dean tells Sam he’s going to go spend time with Mom, Sam is gonna get packed up and go too but Dean wants to go alone. Sam looks hurt. This isnt surprizing. As much as Sam doesnt need to be, as we all know, he still gets insecure with his ploace in Dean’s world and he doesnt like to be left behind for anyone, even Mom. but in the traditional character of Sam Winchester, he isnt going to make a fuss, he’ll swallow it up and let Dean go if he feels he needs it. Dean isnt cold, nor blind to this. He wont tell Sam its a farewell tour, but he needs Sam to know hes loved. So he just comes around behind him and holds Sam’s head to his chest and face, and tells him to take care of himself. As sweet as this was, did Dean really think it wouldnt sound every alarm in Sam’s head? However, this hug will go down in my heart as a classic. One thing I love most about the brohugs, is that J2 deliver a fresh one every time that say their own things. Theyre never cheap, never lacking a message, and always packed with feeling. 

Sam was pretty adorable when he tried to tell mom about the hug.I know he said they dont hug unless its literally the end of the world. but how was he really gonna tell him mom that they hug for many reasons, but this one was very different? Im sure she understands that theyre close, but does she even have a clue at how close and co-dependant they are? I dont think so. Sam gives her fair warning, and shes gonna keep an eye on Dean. 

Meanwhile, Nick is being a dick, and has a run in with Donna. Now I know many of you all dont like Donna and Jody, mainly for the Wayward crap, but I still like THEM, I just hate that story. I really like this new, tougher Donna that came to be last season in Breakdown. The bubbly silly blonde from The Purge and Hibbing 911 got on my nerves and served no purpose but comic releif. I cant stand those characters. Thats why I dont like Garth, and never liked Ghost Facers, because all they did was assure that the episode wouldnt get very serious.But lets move on. 

Mary makes Dean something he loved as a kid, Winchester Surprize. This is the first time we heard of this dish, and I would call “bullshit” on Deans ability to remember something like that from being no older than 4 the last time she made it, had he not mentioned how Dad apparently made it also, but when he and Sam tried, they messed it up and Dad got pissed and tossed it out. Dean laughed about it, but Mom was uncomfortable, and so was I. Im not a John hater as y’all know, so new negative information makes me sad. I guess before John comes back in 2 weeks, Mary will need to know that he changed a lot after she died and wasnt the greatest father to the boys.And to assure us that the reuinion wont be all rainbows and butterflies. There’s gonna be some angst.

Now Im gonna talk about how HOT Dean was while welding. the flipping of the face shield. the sparks flying around his feet, the leather apron.... mmmm Magic Mike moment y’all?? It was a great music montage, something we dont get a lot of. No Time Left For You is a good song, and for any of my readers under 40, that was an 8 track tape Dean was playing.😉 we also see that Michael is still pounding on the door in Deans head. Jensen is really doing a great job of showing us in his expressions and posture that he’s barely holding him in.

Now Sam has looked around the bunker and noticed things missing. Okay... Dean is definitely up to something. Mary waited till Dean was asleep and went to see what he was doing in the shed, she sees he’s built this box with the plan to lock himself in it and be dropped at the bottom of the ocean so Michael cant escape the box once he gets out of Deans head. Mom calls Sam, but he’s already on his way. and during this time Nick kidnaps Mary. 

Now, I think Mary was just being stupid for most of this, she had no reason really not to comply with Nick. Theres a time to be tough and a time to just be practical. A big part of being a hero includes not trying to get yourself killed for no good reason. But hey, its ok because your sons are fucking suoer heros and they’ll come save your ass! So Abraxus gets released and reveals Lucifer had him kill Ncks family. This leaves me with wonder. Will Lucifer come find Nick but Nick say no to him now that he knows Lucifer had his family killed? Leaving Luci without a vessel and heading to mess with Sam again? Possibly even Jack? Hmmmm

So Donna shoots Nick in the leg, he’s arrested. Sam goes to talk to him. I didnt like that Dean bitched at Sam for letting Nick go, though Im glad Sam got to tell him why. though he’s feeling guilty about everything that happened now. Im also pretty sure that Dean was telling Sam when people cant be saved, you just walk away, more for himself than anything. So Dean barked, but he didnt stay angry and thats good. 

Sam confronts Nick and apologizes for not being able to help him which is so very Sam, but, my boy is getting harder around the edges, he’s really 1000% done with the bull shit. He tells Nick he doesnt feel sorry for him, he feels sorry for the people he killed, HE can burn. 

Meanwhle mom confronts Dean and tells him he knows what hes up to... and if he doesnt tell Sam, she will. Im so glad it didnt become some secret between Dean and Mom being kept from Sam. That never ends pretty. 

Now, this scene, is my favorite scene so far of the season. Sam just not holding back at how horrible he thinks it was for Dean to plan to kill himself and not tell him. “Not tell me?? ME??” Do you realize how messed up that is? How unfair??” it took me back to when Dean sold his soul for Sam and Sam figured it out. Sam knows first hand how awful being trapped forever with a crazy archangel. You could see it in Sam’s eyes when he said it, he knew what Dean would be up against for eternity. “Do you know how INSANE this is?”

Dean is set in his choice and tells Sam he couldnt tell him because hes the only person who could talk him out of it💖💖and he loves hm for trying to help. Thats a very big statement in this show. So he gives Sam a choice, either he helps him, or he does it alone. Of curse Sam agrees to help. He cant save Dean if he walks away, and he wont let Dean die alone 💔💔💔💔💔💔😭😭😭😭😭

Thats gonna kill me all week!! Next weeks trailer looks like a real kick in the balls, but, Im fairly sure the brutality will be over early in the episode because Donatello’s issue is the headliner. Its hard to see Dean freak out when his phone dies when hes in the box, but Im thinking maybe he’s testing it and gets a dose of what being trapped feels like, and maybe that changes his mind. So I dont think the whole episode is going to be super heavy, but we’ll have some good brofeels anyway. In conclusion I loved this episode. It could have used more Sam but Sams parts were all great! So on a scale of Bloodlines to Who We Are, this gets a 9. the heavy brolove got it massive points and more Sam COULD have taken it to a 10. See y’all next week :)

[backseatofimpala-blog]

I'll be there for you

No warnings. SamxJess pairing, i do not own the charachters or the episode this is copied after (season 1, home) Over the next several months of traveling with Jess and his brother, Sam noticed how different Dean was, mostly how Dean seamed to shy away from women desperate for a quick lay, instead of seducing them. Dean stuck more to hustling pool and winning poker.

"Are you gay now?" Sam asked his brother after the case of the hookman, and he didn't even flirt with the collage girls. Dean gaped at his little brother.

"...the hell..." Dean mused slowly.

"Do you have a girl friend?" Sam probed on. Dean bitch faced his brother and heades for the bathroom door.

"Ok we're done talking... Jess control your man." Dean remarked.

"Give me a pair of hand cuffs and i will." Jess smirked. Dean smirked at his brother, giving him a hidden thumbs up and left the room.

"Be done by the time I get out this time." Dean smirked, and Sam scowled as Dean shutthe door. "Dont for get to suit up first, Sammy." Dean called through the door turning the shower on.

"I'm sorry, Jess." Sam groaned.

"Why is Dean so closed off." Jess asked.

"Life of a hunter, babe." Sam explained simply. Jess frowned.

"You aren't like that." She proclaimed.

"I was... two years ago, when we first met." Sam answered.

"Dean isnt nearly as stubborn as you, he'll be an easy nut to crack." Jess pulled Sam on to the bed and straddled his lap. Sam stares up at her his hazle eyes going soft.

"I dont know what I'd do with out you." Sam whispered to her. She smiled sand held his face tenderly in her hands.

"Mmmm, crash and burn." She replied over his. Sam held her close and kissed her letting her know just where he wanted this to go.

"Easy there, Sam." Jess smiled pulling away, Sam groaned loudly, "You need to sleep before I pull out the handcuffs."

"What makes you think after all this time I'll be the one in cuffs?" Sam smirked.

"Maybe living a hunters life has brought out the beast in me." She giggled stripping to her underwear and diving under the covers.

"Damn woman you cant keep teasing me like this." Sam chuckled hugging her closely.

"Go to sleep Sam, you get a good night's sleep and we'll dicuss the cuffing arrangements." Jess sighed getting comfortable in Sam's arms.

Jess awoke in ths middle of the night to Sam having a nightmare. She sat up and saw Dean watching, worry etched into his forehead.

"Should i wake him?" Jess whispered. Dean shrugged helplessly.

"Shhh, its ok Sam." Jess soothed a hand down Sam's arm, the young man calmed slightly and fell back in to a restful sleep. Jess looked up at Dean and shrugged with worry.

"He's a tough kid." Dean nodded settling back down into his bed.

The next morning Sam sat quietly on his and Jess's bed sketching something, while Dean rattled off cases they could work.

"Sacramento man shoots himself in the head three times..." Dean said enthusiastically, only to have Sam remain silent, "any of these things blowing up your skirt pal?"

"Maybe we should take a break for awhile.

"Wait I've seen this." Sam mutteres bolting out of bed and rummaged around for thier dads journal.

"Seen what?" Dean questioned. "What are you doing?"

"Dean, I know where we have to go next." Sam answered.

"Where?"

"Back home... back to Kansas." Sam explained. Dean glanced to Jess awkwardly.

"Ok random... where did that come?" Dean muttered.

"Ok this photo was take in front of the old house, the house mom died in?" Sam asked.

"Yeah..." Dean answered tightly.

"It didnt burn down right? I mean not completely? They rebuilt it, right."

"Yeah i guess so. Why? What the ya talkin bout?" Dean answered getting really lost.

Ok tjis is gonna sound crazy, but i think the people who live in our old house... i think they might be in danger." Sam stated.

"What makes you think that, babe?" Jess questioned.

"Uhh... i just... uhh... look just trust me on this ok."

"Ok... woah woah... trust you?" Dean questioned following Sam as he started packing.

"Yeah."

"Come on man thats weak. You gotta give me more than that." Deans voice raised slightly, getting frustrated with his brother.

"I can't really explain..." Sam mumbled.

"Well tough!" Dean proclaimed. Jess scowled at the older Winchester.

"Watch it Dean." She snapped. Dean glanced at her but ultimately ignored her.

"We arent going any where until you have a better explination than 'trust me." Dean stated firmly. Sam sighed and looked to Jess who still was glaring at Dean.

"I have these nightmares..." Sam started.

"We've noticed..." Dean crossed his arms nodding to Jess.

"...And sometimes... not always... they come true." Sam explained, pocketing his hands, head and shoulders slumping.

"Come again?" Dean almost laughed.

"I believe him." Jess cut in, "we should go to Kansas." She stated.

"Come on, people have wierd ass dreams all thw time. I have a friend who dreamed she worked at KFC with Todd the wraith from Stargate Atlantis." Dean exclaimed.

"Five months ago i didn't believe in monsters. But since you interupte our lives I've questioned everything ive ever believed in! We were attacked by a windingo, ghost water child, plane demons, thee bloody mary, a shapeshifter, and a swarm of fucking nasty killer bugs!" Jess ranted, "dont you think its probable that maybe Sam could be having dream visions." Jess snapped.

"Sam i can't go backthere

"We are going to check on this family in Kansas, Dean." Jess stated firmly. Dean swallowed hard and nodded.

"Ok, I'll go get the car ready." Dean nodded walking out.

"Thank you, Jess." Sam sighes. She smiled and kissed his cheek.

"Tell me about what happened to your mom as we get ready to go. "

Dean leaned heavily on the impala, trying to catch his breath. He pulled out his phone. He psusef over dads name in his contacts then scrold back up to the C's. He dialed the number and waited.

"Ello beastie!" The chippet voice brought a smile to Dean's worried face.

"Hey Cali. It's always good to hear from ya." Dean smiled.

"You sound a bit worried... what's up." She questioned.

"Sam wants to go home..."

"To Stanford? I dont think that's such a good idea. Everyone there thinks they died when the house burnt down." Cali explained urgently.

"No... not stanford... home... Kansas... where mom..."

"Oh...." she interuptsd with comprehension. "I thought you swore you were never going back there."

"I did, but Sam had a nightmere someone dies in the house... so he and Jess out voted me... son of a bitch, i feel like a third wheel with these two..."

"I know what you mean... anyway back to Kansas, huh? When are you guys leaving..."

"As soon as they pack up..." Dean answered, sighing heavily.

"Ok Dean take a deep breath and relax. Everything is gonna be ok." She assured. Dean took a deep breath and nodded.

"Ok, i gotta go." Dean hung up as Sam and Jess walked out of the room.

When they got to Lawrence they found Missouri. Before they knocked the door opened.

"Don't just stand there gaping get on in here." Missouri ordered turning away from them. "close the door Dean, and quit your cussin'." Missouri ordered.

"I didn't say anything." Dean argued, following Missouri into the living room.

"Missouri is a very inept type of psychic from Africa."

"Cali?" Dean questioned. "Wh... what are you doing here? in Kansas?" He asked.

"You called... and you sounded really upset. So I'm here." Jess cooed loudly earning a glare from both Dean and Cali. "...and made apple pie." Cali finished with a smile setting a plate of the warm food in frontof him. Dean eagerly took a bite groaned in apprciation.

"Ok let's talk about the case." Cali smiled. "I'll keep it distracted while you four get the purification bags in the walls..."

"How are you going to keep it distracted." Jess asked.

"Well I..." Cali started glancing at Dean who was sti stuffing his face.

"Leave that part of the plan up to ms. Cali." Missouri stated. "Now when it realizes whats going on things will get ugly."

Cali fought the seemingly invisible foe easily. She shook her head following its movement's.

"I can see you stupid." She smirked.

"What are you." It hissed.

"Im the nightmere to nightmares like you." She replied.

"Your eyes are black as a demons." It hissed circling her.

"A, they arent actually demons per se... and B, I'm WAY worse for you than a demon." She smiled. It remained silent a long moment.

"GRIMM!" It snarled.

"Bingo bitch!" She laughed then grunted as it used its telekinesis to push her back. "Are you guys done yet!" Cali bellowed.

"Just finished." Dean reported.

"It didn't work."Cali grunted.

"It had to of worked!" Missouri proclaimed.

"NO!" Cali exclaimed as Sam and Dean slamed up to the wall. "Leave them alone!" She shouted pushing against the poltrigists telekinesis. Next thing Dean knew thw force on his chest was gone ad Cali chopped the things head off with a long silver triangular shaped blade. She huffed and looked at her companions.

"Damn!" The brothers said at the same time.

"Fat lotta good you twits did." She snorted.

"That it? Its over?" Jess panted. @strangeangel99 @clockworkmorningglory

[blckdtd]

"Train"

i had a crush on a college friend for like three years already... maybe longer than that. im writing this post because ive dreamt about him this morning. i tried to sleep again as i still want to continue that crazy dream since it was a bit beautiful. we were happy in that dream. but im not sure if because we are together as a couple or as something else.

i actually really like seeing him smile most of the time, thats why whenever we go home together i try to talk to him and make him laugh or smile as much as possible. but, being a funny person was not my best asset, so its always... awkward. it also fascinates me whenever we dont talk at all, or when his face is blank with unreadable emotion, though sometimes im having anxious thoughts that maybe he was annoyed on why do i kept talking and talking when he is clearly not interested. those moments taught me to shut my mouth most of the times.

but how did everything started? ill try to recall everything dont worry.

it was summer, and we were still freshman in college, group chats for sections in our department were already made and people were already having some clicks and groups. i also found our class' group chats, and while scrolling on the member's list, he was the first person i added on facebook since i noticed he was quite good looking (young me dumb me. always lookinh for the face. apologies). but i never messaged him personally on facebook.

first day came in, he was the first person i talked to actually since he was the person i first recognized. but, during freshman year, he was not my seasonal crush. had a crush on two person on different sememsters, one for each sememsters, but i dont think theres a need to elaborate on that i guess. maybe another time.

sophomore year is starting to come in. summer after fresh man year, i found out that the four of us will be in the same section, me, him, T, and A. the thing is, we actually belong in the same group of friends, we also have the gc (group chat). when i found out that the four of us are in the same class, i started to have some panic or thinking, that "oh shit. he is my classmate. this year. he ll be on the long list of my seasonal mandatory crush (i know. it sucks to have this mentality, like i cannot move forward to my life without having a crush on anyone or anything). i tried to avoid the feelings because he is quite a nice person. but it happened after that event.

swimming class, this was the first day i guess??? i cant remember. but i know it was the swimming class. the four of us were kinda huddled together since we dont rrally get alonv with everyone yet, and the instructor said to group ourselves in to two. to be honest, during the time, i quite sure o dont have the feelings for him yet. so me and him like automatically paired ourselves, since t and a automatically paired themselves. then he said "lets go there". then we grabbed each others hand, under the water. i can still remember that time because after that day, i did not exactly have it in mind, but the longer the time passes, the more i can remember, and im pretty sure he dont even remembered that day.

we hold hands under water and he lead the way. it was not the romantic type holding hands, the one where people actually intertwined their hands, it was just simple holding hands. then we let go, and started the routines we need to do.

being that im the fat one, i did feel how his hands are kinds bony since hes quite thin. and he is also lighter, i even believed that i could piggy back him if he ask me too. i know that he is lighter when our instructor ask us to do a simple floating where we simply lay flat on the water surface. it was fun knowing that he actually cant do that given that he is a really good swimmer and he is lighter too, but i can, a non good swimmer even if it could save my life. i almost like carried him in my arms to guide him how to float, thats how i found out he is light, but thats okay, i also liked that about him.

then one day, i woke up, i said to my self. "shit. im having a crush on him. this is not good". what i hate about this, is because i have the constant need to show off or have his attention or be in the same grouos or anything with him... like? we are already going home together cause we take tge same train or something, im so greedy, attention seeker, obsessed, annoying. i also chat him on facebook most of the time, like i always need to find a reason to talk to him or something. almost the whole year of second year college was me being a bother to him or something, and i just fully realized it now. and if ever for some reason you read this, yes, this is about you, and im really sorry for bothering you all these years thinking that you might, well, "reciprocate" the feelings, in short, sorry for being immature.

til this day, some parts of my heart, wished that there are times where he did enjoy our small talks on the train, or if he did enjoy having me as a "friend".

i can still remember how we talked about the girl you almost become girlfriend, about how you felt when one of our classmate gave you something on valentines day, how i fucked up and confessed of having feelings for you, and how we somehow remained as friends even after that day. i know you told our other friends that i confessed my feelings for you, thats why they started teasing me about it.

i missed you needing me to go somewhere sometimes because youre not much of a streetsmart or always forgets how to go some certain place. i remember how i said that you can rest your head on my shoulder when we were on the train on our way to one of our friends house to make a costume, how i lend my earphones to you so you can listen to some music even though i actually love listening to music, how you waited for me on train station even though i was late. we had a meet up.that day because you want to buy something that we found while looking for some naterials to make the costume, well you waited because you barely remember how to get there in the first place. not gonna lie, i was kinda happy how you waited for me on that station.

i can also remember how we talked throughout our jeepney ride on our way to the station, im sorry to say this, but during that day, i somehow had a hunch that you were just talking to me because i kinda led our way on how the two of us will get home, because you dont always talk to me in first place, ever since that day you knew, which i did understood, but i dont know why i still.stood my ground on seeking yoir attention. ha! but yes i can still remember how i take you to your station on your way home because you dont know your way, i got off of the train even though i could have just stayed and have my way home. it was fun though, and so foolish of me.

why am i even head over heels on you even after all this years? yes until now.

third year college, i promised my self that ill try to stop having feelings for you. but i didnt. but we were on that level where we just accepted that yeah i know that you know thatbinhave feelings for you but we will just be civil about it. we were kind of a pair tbh, you can use my phone whenever you want since that was the time when yiu dont have your own phone. you actually have more photos on that phone than me lol. we were in a civil state to the point we even became automatic pairs on an activity in botany class. we even became thesis groupmates. you probably had the most contribution on that thesis so i still thank you even till this day.

i also remembered when you asked me to come with you to get your birth certificate since you actually dont know how to get one, not gonna lie again, i was kinda having a moment back there since we were in the middle of thesis day, more like finishing it up, but you asked me to come with you. we travelled like for almost an hour for that, fell in line just to have your id photocopied, then i instructed you on which line you should take next, how to get this and that, then i waited for you, again. so we can also go back to the university. i had some realizations that day. on the lengths that my feelings for you drove me.

i also remembered how we went home together like we usually do after that earthquake since the station had a bit of crack on its foundation. but we went to separate ways you rode a jeepney on your way. i walked to mine.

one of the things that touched me was when you asked me about my favorite band, why did i liked them, and you somehow, had some small history, that you listened to them before or something.

but there are also those days where we dont even talked about anythibg at all. we just stayed silent. and bid our goodbyes and take cares. maybe those were your favorite days, just kidding.

im not trying to paint you as bad guy for not reciprocating or anything. im just remembering things, and i need to let them out.

it kinda sucks when i didnt saw you on the last day where we need to return our graduation gowns because i need to leave early that day because of an emergency family trip to the beach. just a celebration because i just graduated.

im sorry i still havent picked up your drawings that i said i will buy just to help you. because i had a job that time and you still havent because youre supposed to go to a medical school.

our company had a job opening but i was too shy to send the invite to you, idk why. i did tried to talk to you again just like a normal friend but, i know i cant. even while writing this, i can attest that im still not in the best condition to talk to you because i still... cant move on. this sucks.

there are parts of me that wished i didnt approached you on the first day of class. or maybe i shouldnt held your hand under water. or maybe... i shouldnt have just let this.feelings swallowed me.

i dreamed of you last night. but dont worry, nothinh sexual. i dreamed of holding your hand again. and seeing your smile. softly playing your hands until they were intertwined. it was a good dream. i wish i didnt woke up. but i need to.

your smile was so beautiful, i rarely saw them actually even after hundreds of train trips we had together. i loved the sound of your laugh actually that will soon give your smilling face. i can even remember your eyelashes they were so beautiful, though i hope you werent freaked out when i looked at you.

youre a beautiful person, your smart, you sometimes dark humor, you being lowkey gentleman, your creativity and artistry. everything about you.

to end this, i hope you know that it is not late to pursue your artistic passion or to go to a medical school. youre a brilliant person Eli, i hope you know that also. and i loved you, as person, as a friend, as someone who i went head over heels. right now, i do wish we meet again, but in a different time, but now, i only wish you happiness and success. thank you for being part of my life as a simple college student.

[kpurereactions]

Min Yoongi

**REQUEST: if you are taking requests can i ask a yoongi smut where you ask him to teach you how to give a bj? ( sorry for my bad english 🇦🇷)**

Type: Smut

Summery: Theres no need to be nervous around Yoongi, he’ll take care of you and make you feel good no matter what it is you're doing. 

W/C: 1881

You're not doing it right if your not doing it!

'What a bullshit article' You thought tossing your phone across the couch. There was no reason why giving a blowjob would be something that made or broke your sex life, especially with Yoongi. He'd never asked you to do it so why should some stupid article make you feel like there was something wrong with you? That you were boring him?

You scoffed and got up from the couch forgetting about the show you were watching before you stumbled across the article. As you made your way to the kitchen you couldn't help but glance into the home studio Yoongi had just finished putting together and smiled.  He had insisted in turning the guest bedroom you never used into an office for him just so he could be at home with you more. You stared at him for a half second too long as he bobbed his head to the music that could faintly be heard through his headphones, now feeling even worse about never returning the favor when it came to oral.

"Hey babe." He said with a sweet smile before turning back to his computer.

"Want anything to drink?" You said shaking your head, wanting to rid yourself of the feeling that you weren't pleasuring him enough.

When he nodded and threw you another sweet smile you turned, he must be onto something since he usually never talked to you when he was working. You grabbed his usual drink of choice out of the fridge and walked across the hall over to him. He thanked you before pulling your hand softly so your cheek was in kissing distance.

"You look upset, why are you upset?" He said, the smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth dropping.

"Its nothing. Just stupid thoughts." You said smiling sweetly before standing straight again and running your hand down the back of his head.

"If it was nothing you wouldn't be thinking so hard." He said crossing his arms.

"Its just... Its nothing, don't worry about it Yoongi." You said smiling to try and get him to drop it.

"Jagi just tell me, you know I won't be able to focus if you don't." He sighed.

"Why don't you ever ask me for Oral?" You blurted out. Your sudden forwardness caught him off guard, his eyes widening slightly before falling into their natural state.

"I just figured it grossed you out... I didnt want to make you uncomfortable." He said while reaching for your hands.

"Thats very sweet." You said biting your lip. You were torn now. Part of you wanted to try it, just to see if you liked it, but part of you were nervous, you've never really done it before.

After a few minutes of letting you think Yoongi squeezed your hand and watched as you stood up straighter, making your decision on what you wanted to do.

"Yoongi I... Ive never given a," You cleared your throat, now was not the time to act like a school girl. "Blowjob before." You said watching as he just nodded.

"Id like to try it, but id need you to be honest with me and tell me what to do." You said, proud of how you kept your composure.

"Are you sure? You don't have to if you don't want to." He said, there was an excited spark in his eye that was telling you that he was more than ready to let you try this out.

You nodded making him smile and bite his lip gently. He looked back at his screen and hit the space bar to pause what ever music he was listing to before standing up, pausing only to look at you slightly before leading you to the back of your home where your bedroom was located. Before you couldn't even close the door and turn around he was already sitting up against the end of the bed, his jeans and shirt on the floor next to him. You chuckled at how eager he was and couldn't help but notice all your nerves were gone. He held up his arms for you and when you were close enough he wrapped his arms around your waist and dipped his head into your chest

"If you don't want to do this, or at any time feel uncomfortable just tell me. But know you're in for it." He'd say making you chuckle as he pinched your butt before pulling you down with him as he laid on his back.

He kissed you like he always kissed you, with so much passion and love it made your head spin and your heart flutter. The feeling of his bare chest underneath you was enough to make you  want to pleasure him that much more, to be that much closer to him. You were the one to pull out of the kiss first and slide down the bed till he was sitting back upright and you were kneeling on the floor in front of him.

You looked up, your hands now on each of his hips, only hooking your thumbs under the band of his boxers when he gave you a sweet smile and a nod. You didnt even realize how hard he had become and pulling the thin material off of his lower half only seemed to make it harder. You looked up to him again and he took a deep already shaking breath as you wrapped your hand around his member.

"Lick the tip." He said so quietly that it took you a second to realize what he had said.

You immediately responded by just placing enough of the tip in your mouth that he couldn't see your tongue, but you still had full use of it. You started by going clockwise and every four full circled you'd change direction. Each time you did this he'd take another deep breath, as if to silently praise the simple pleasure. You changed it up, remembering something you saw once and started to flick your tongue quickly over the center where you could already taste him leaking. If anything boosted your confidence, that was it.

"Take it in your mouth." He growled, now propping his body up by his elbows.

You seemed to have no concept of space and your eagerness took over you causing the tip you had just been caressing to hit the back of your throat just hard enough to make you extract him quickly. You looked up covering your mouth to see him covering his eyes with one hand to try and hide the back he was chuckling.

"Dont hurt yourself Jagi." He finally said moving the hand to reach for your cheek.

You tried again, this time taking him in your mouth slower so you could figure out just how deep you could get him before it got uncomfortable. Although you weren't looking directly at him you could still feel  him shift under you and groan once more. Going back to what you had already known about blowjobs and thinking about the few tips the article you had read early gave you you started. You pressed your tongue against the bottom of his member and curled your lips just slightly before starting to bob your head slowly. You could feel him fight the urge to buck his hips up, at first it was just a few but as you started to try different things with your mouth and including his balls, the bucking became more frequent. Soon he was sat back up and his hand was weaving its way into the messy bun you had been sporting.

The feeling of his hand lightly guiding you as you increased the pace got you hot, you did love it when he was controlling your every move, seeing him in a place of power was a huge turn on. He started cussing under his breath to the point where you let your eyes trail up his now overly flexed body. Seeing you like that, with your lips wrapped around him and looking up into his eyes was enough to send the rapidly building orgasm to the top of the ladder.

"Baby- ah, baby I'm going to cum." He said in a broken breath before trying to pull your head off of him.

There was no point though. You were here giving your first ever blowjob, why not get the full experience. You ignored his tugs and quickened your pace once more as you gripped harder to his hips. He came so hard you were shocked, thankfully the feeling of his release hitting the back of your throat wasn't nearly as harsh of a feeling as his dick, but still it caught you off guard. You hadn't even realize you were holding your breath till after you swallowed every last drop and sat back to see him better.

He was now fully collapsed on the bed, arms outstretched on either side of him. Small chuckles kept leaving his mouth as he came down from his high, causing you to bite your lip in anticipation. You didnt care that he just came, you wanted to know how you did.

Finally he propped himself back up and looked at you with those same gleaming eyes. You couldn't tell what was running through his mind but as he stammered to find the right words you were hoping that they were all good thoughts.

"Fuck y/n." He said through a smile. "Fuck."

You bit your lip nervously and watched him as he held a hand out to you. Taking it you let him pull you up the bed till you were laying right next to him. He chuckled again and rolled his head too look at you allowing you to pin the look in his eyes as admiration.

"Are you sure that was your first time?" He said rolling over so he could slip a hand under your shirt and trace circles across your skin. "Fuck." He said again with another chuckle pulling your hips towards him as you nodded.

"Good fuck or..." You started, taking your lip in your mouth again.

He looked at you like you were crazy for even asking such a thing and instead of verbally answering you right away he pulled you across the blanket till you were pressed up against his naked body and his lips were feverishly intertwining with yours.

"Amazing fuck." He finally said before pushing you on your back so he could kiss you even deeper.

He was quick to return the favor, the song he had been working on completely forgotten as he trailed kisses down your body. He would make sure you're pleasure matched what he experienced. The moment your legs started to quiver around him he'd be back up to eye level readying himself to finish what you had started. For the rest of the day every very time the two of you rolled over panting while wrapping your naked bodies around one another to catch your breath you'd only find yourself smiling at one another for a split second before another round would start.

[jassieajoc]

Dim

I can still remember the very first time I had an anxiety attack. It was a morning on the way to school, I was with my kuya and our driver. I was still in 3rd Grade that time and I can still remember the sudden anxious feeling, It was like the whole world was swallowing me alive. I can still remember myself being so confused. I didn’t know what was happening to me, I was doing okay and the next time I knew I was being paranoid. I felt shitty that day. That day something grew in me. Something foolish and dark. And I didnt know that that something would be the start of my fucking life.

The first time I hurt myself was when I reached High School. Freshman year. Still so clueless of the world ahead of me. Still so innocent of the things I havent tried yet. So eager to try. So naive to care. I was having so fun but deep inside I was lost. I was scared. I was too ignorant that I forgot to think that there would always be a consequence. You see, thats the downside of having fun. The downside of being so happy. There would always be a fucking consequence. I got so insecure. I got so selfish. I thought my family didnt love me anymore. I thought I was going so bad that I became mad and then I got rebellious. I started cutting myself. I tried drinking alcohol. It was the start of losing myself. Sophomore Year came. I was doing okay. I wasnt as bad as I was. But I was as lost as before. The sad nights were still there. I got called names. Bitch. Slut. I got called names for being too friendly. For trying to distract myself from my evil self. Now im back again on hurting myself. This time, I would stay up all night thinking foolish thoughts. I would cut myself again but this time I cut my legs so that its easy to hide. I did foolish things in school again. But it was the kind of fun that makes you forget you are sad. I was doing okay after that but im still lost as ever.

The first time I had a suicidal thought was when I was still 11 yrs. old. Following the first time I started hurting myself. I had it all planned. I would hang myself and leave my suicide note below me. I already even wrote the fucking note when my mom went inside my room and saw it. And it was the first time I saw my mom, broken. I broke my mom. After it happened, people knew about it. I was more ashamed when they told me I was being stupid. They thought I was just fooling around that time. That I did it to have the things that I want. They told me I was just being spoiled. That Im too young to take things seriously. Too young to feel sad. Thats when I started being careful. Every time I feel lonely and sad, I would keep it all to myself. Scared that people might tell me im stupid again. I dont wanna broke my mom again. I dont wanna be a burden just because im thinking I really am a burden.

It was Junior Year when I got called names again. This time it was more hurtful. Sometimes they would tell it to my face. Sometimes just by the look from their faces I would already know —“what a bitch”. Maybe I was really a bitch. Maybe they were right. Maybe they’re not ones who were insecure, maybe I was. I started blaming myself. “Stop fooling yourself” “You’re not good enough” “You dont have the right to feel bad. You’re the one who’s doing it to yourself”. Then that was the time i realized, I have the shittiest self-esteem ever. Ive tried a lot of things this year. Lots of firsts. Crazy, fun, dangerous, and shitty things. I also started making myself look good. Feel good. But in the midst of all that, Im still losing myself. I was lost than before. I wanted everyone to love me. I wanted them to notice me. What the hell am I doing? “This wasn’t me”, I tell to myself. No matter how hard I try to be better, self-hate always wins. I was still hurting myself during these moments but this time it was quite different ‘cause a friend knows and im glad that despite all this negative things, someone cares. Up until this very moment Im still thankful for that friend. You know who you are, and God knows how grateful I am to have a friend like you. I couldn’t remember some serious (negative) things during Senior Year. It was a smooth sail. But not the smoothest ‘cause i still had fights with my ex boyfriend. I got so worried about my grades. I was stressed doing schoolworks. But to add it all up it was a great year. So great that I thought I was doing okay. I thought I had overcome that feeling. But little did I know, it was just hiding at the back of my mind.  

The first time I tried killing myself was when I reached College. Funny how the older I get, the more serious it became. See when I said I thought I was doing okay? Wrong. Little bitch was just resting. Waiting to attack me. It was gone for a year but the moment it came back, it was stronger. It was all over me. Now that Ive been carrying this bitch for almost 6 years now I think its time for me to give it a name. Lets call it, Dim. Why Dim? Well you see, the word dim means having a limited or insufficient amount of light, seen indistinctly, perceived by the senses or mind indistinctly or weakly. And dim is the perfect word to describe what im feeling all these years. The feeling of darkness. Dim wasn’t really that strong at first. He was quiet. He was as if trying to be friends with me. It was my first year of college so I was busy doing homeworks. Trying to figure out how college life works. First sem done and I thought I became friends with Dim already. Until he betrayed me. My boyfriend that time and I broke up. My whole world was shuttered. I was so down and Dim was the only one who was always there with me, so I let him take over my life. That was the time when I started avoiding people. I refused to go out, I stopped going to my classes. I was so scared. 2nd sem was a blur. A complete blur. Summer came and it was… okay. I guess. It was the start of fucking up my life. Walwal dito, walwal doon. Landi doon, landi dito. I was sooo lost that I forgot to have some respect for myself. All I can say is, that was the wildest summer that I had. I bet ya’ll waiting for the part where I tried to kill myself. Then here you go. January 2017, I had the worst anxiety attack ever. It was so bad I thought I was going insane. I called the suicide hotline but guess what they told me? THEY TOLD ME TO GO TO THE NEAREST HOSPITAL. Great. There I was crying hysterically on my bed. Alone. There I was wanting to end my fucking life and ya’ll gonna tell me to go to the nearest hospital? Crazy. So yeah, I had the pills on my hand when I thought “Am I really gonna end my life just because Im scared? Just because I didnt know what was happening to me?” Then I called 911. They asked me whats the problem and I only told them one word, “suicide”. They asked me who and that was the moment I broke down, I told them, “ako po”. I can hear them panicking and then there was silence on the other line. Then an another woman talked to me. I told her everything I felt that day and she told me nice things to make me feel better. We had a good talk and I was crying the whole time. She somehow convinced me that suicide is not always the answer. I owe her my life. Fast forward to March 2017, I got sick. I got bacterial infection —not STD,  from someone whom I loved so much. For the second time, my mom cried in front of me. For the second time, I saw my mom broken. I broke my mom, again. I became lost more than ever. I was so ashamed of myself. I was so angry. Why do I always fuck up? Ganyan na ba talaga ako ka bobo?

The second time I tried killing myself was 2 months later, I started falling for this guy. Who lied to me. I was a mistress the whole time, and I didnt know. My mom eventually knew about it because the wife was a pyscho —Sorry not sorry. I disappointed my parents. AGAIN. Only in a span of 2 months I was a disappointment, again. You see, Dim was winning this time. He was already bigger than me. He was all over my room. He was all over the building. He was all over me. That was when I took the pills. I can only remember myself falling asleep and the next thing I know I was at the hospital. After 7 years of dealing with that bitch Dim, I was finally diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. After 7 years of trying to hide the pain, my parents finally knew about it. After 7 years, my friends finally realized that I wasn’t fooling around. I wasn’t being overdramatic. There were pros and cons to this situation. Pros, they finally knew about my depression so they were overly understanding. I felt free. It felt like nothing is holding me back anymore. It felt like I finally won over Dim. I felt stronger than Dim. Cons, they finally knew about my depression so they were overly protective and hella paranoid, thinking I might blew up in any moment. Even though I felt free and stronger than Dim, I can still feel his presence. I still feel weak. Ive been seeing my doctor every 2 weeks now. Im taking meds. People are helping me. Months have passed and I thought I was really okay now. I thought I had it under control until 3 months later, I can feel him all over me again. It seems like the pills are not working anymore. I started keeping secrets from my doctor. I started telling lies to my family and friends just so they wont worry about me anymore. Im even back on hurting myself. I cut my wrists and legs. I tried overdosing myself again. Twice this time.   It gets worse everyday. Its seems like Dim knows my weak spots now, he knows where and when to hurt me. I keep blaming myself even on the smallest things. Sometimes I think, what if Im going insane? What if Im never going to be okay? I dont even know anymore.

I didnt write any of these so that you’ll pity me. I didnt write any of these to make ‘papansin’. I didnt write any of these so that you’ll know my story. I wrote this so that all of you people who are reading this can understand. I want you guys to understand that depression is never a joke. Depression isn’t easy, it never was. I want you to understand that even the smallest things can hurt a person a thousand more. I want you to understand that depression isn’t just a bad day. It is a never ending battle between you and your mind. Depression isn’t just being tired because you had a shitty day. It is a different feeling piling up until one day you cant deal with it anymore, you’ll blow up. Depression isn’t just being lazy. It is the thoughts and the paranoia that makes you feel so tired you can’t get out off your bed. It is the heavy feeling that sinks you deeper, makes you not wanting to wake up, hoping you can sleep the sadness away. If you know someone dealing with depression, help them. Support them. Sometimes, presence helps. Just being there for them helps. Even a simple hug can make them feel a little better. Listen. Dont say anything. Just listen to them and hug them.

This is for the ones who fought and never survived, Im sorry. Im really, really sorry. Wherever your souls are right now, I hope you now have the happiness you pretend to have. The happiness you truly deserve. For the ones who are still struggling from their demons, I am here. We are here. Its okay to cry, its okay to lose your shit but sweetie, just remember to never ever let your Dim beat you. You are stronger than him.

A small act can change a person’s life. Right this moment, somewhere, someone needs your help. Ask. Because sometimes, you can either save a person’s life or be a minute late.

And right now, you’re too late.

[craft-rose]

change (pt. 3)

Title: change

Pairing: Seokjin/Reader

Genre: Romance, Fluff, Smut.

Description: One ordinary night, your friend Seokjin approaches you with a surprising matter and a rather unorthodox solution.

PART 1  PART 2  PART 3

You knocked gently on the bedroom door. “Everything okay in here?”

Seokjin bounced a look at you, quickly draping the covers over Taehyung’s drunken form before meeting you in the empty, dimly lit hallway of the Bangtan dorm.

“Thanks for your help tonight,” he uttered to you quietly, keeping his voice down as to not wake the other members. “I had no idea anyone Taehyung’s size could consume that much alcohol and live to tell the tale.”

You pressed your lips together to keep from laughing, quietly following him through the hallway and into the kitchen. Given the fact that the boys had spent the past three months preparing for an album, their dorm was in a less than presentable state. There were clothes, phone chargers, shoes, hats and all sorts of items scattered all over the place.

With immense effort you avoided stepping on anything, leaning against the kitchen counter after, bouncing a quick, unnoticeable look at your friend as he grabbed two bottles of beer, popping the caps off of them before handing one to you.

Although you had work in the morning, you were already too far gone to give a fuck.

Leaning against the counter opposite you, Seokjin tilted back a mouthful of beer, exhaling after. “What a crazy night.”

You nodded. “I’m sure Taehyung’s going to have fun at practice tomorrow.”

Seokjin chuckled into his beer, using the back of his hand to wipe the dribble from his chin after. “That’s what he gets for not staying at home like I told him to.”

“Yeah, absolu — wait, what? He told me that you asked him to go to the club with you tonight,” You interjected, suddenly confused. “That’s the reason I came out in the first place. He said he needed company while you were hanging out with that girl from the bar.”

The idol raised an eyebrow at you, thinking for no longer than a moment before the answer came crashing down on him. “Ah.”

“Ah?”

“He did this on purpose,” Seokjin explained, nodding to you, cheeks flushing with colour. “I, uh, I told him what happened the other night, after I dropped you off, and I guess this was his way of trying to mend the situation.”

You gulped down some beer. “I had no idea the situation required mending.”

“__________-ah, I propositioned you,” Seokjin reminded you with a small laugh at the end.

Covering your mouth to keep from dribbling beer, you quickly nodded, chuckling. “Good point.”

“I’m starting to wonder if he’s even that drunk,” the idol voiced, pointing a look into the hallway as if contemplating whether he should check.

The silence that followed lasted only a few seconds. You leisurely glanced around, allowing your gaze to shift towards your friend as he knocked back another mouthful of beer. His hair was all messy and out of place, his cheeks were flushed from dancing and drinking all night and his shirt was untucked, clinging to his broad shoulders as he lifted the bottom part to wipe the sweat from his face.

You felt your skin turn hot at the sight of his abdominal muscles, the image of them burned deep into the depths of your subconscious as you quietly drank, allowing the beer to cool your insides.

“I’ve been meaning to apologize,” he suddenly said, breaking your train of thought.

Glancing up at him, you felt your eyebrows twitch upward. “For what?”

Seokjin rubbed the back of his neck. “For avoiding you these past few weeks.”

“Ah.” You nodded, quickly catching on. “Well, I guess it’s a good thing we have Tae. And beer.”

“To Tae and beer,” he announced.

You smiled, clinking bottles with him. “To Tae and beer.”

Swallowing another mouthful, you slowly found yourself thinking back to what Seokjin had said to you at the club. I’ve always felt a spark with you. At the time you had chalked it up to alcohol, a drunken confession in the corridor of a crowded, smoky club.

You pressed the opening of the beer bottle to your bottom lip, discreetly glancing over at Seokjin before you asked.

“Do you still want to?”

He looked to you, a brush of uncertainty in his gaze. “Want to what?”

“Do you still want to have sex with me?” You furthered.

Seokjin fell silent for a good, long moment, the uncertainty in his eyes slowly tapering away. “If I say yes, I’m a shitty friend, a creep and an opportunist,” he uttered into the quiet of the kitchen, the others fast asleep in their bedrooms. “And If I say no … well, then, I’m a liar, too.”

Ignoring the rapid beats of your chest, you emptied the slender glass bottle between your lips and then released it with a gentle pop as Seokjin watched.

Within moments, the atmosphere had changed completely.

The distant hum of traffic faded so deep into the background, you could barely hear it anymore.

“I’ve been thinking about it,” You said to him. “About everything you said to me the other night, your reasoning for why you want me to be the one, and I-I’m honestly surprised that you would even think of something so stupid and reckless, let alone suggest it to me.”

His face fell, but only briefly. “I-I understand.”

Sparing only a few seconds, you swallowed the nervous lump in your throat before uttering the rest. “I think I’m in the mood for something stupid and reckless tonight.”

He bounced a look at you, his expression unreadable. You weren’t sure what you expected out of him in that moment, but it certainly wasn't what came to be.

“_________-ah, I’m not going to have sex with you on a whim,” he said to you, unexpectedly.

Your cheeks flushed red. “But I-I thought you wanted t —”

“I do, but I don’t want you to wake up sober in the morning and regret it.”

“That’s assuming I wouldn’t want to sleep with you sober,” You countered.

“We both know you wouldn’t. That’s why you said no the first time.”

“It sounds to me like you’re the one saying no.”

His fixed his lips to the side. “You know I want you. That’s not the problem here.”

“Then what is the problem?” You asked. “I’m not drunk if that’s your concern.”

“Prove it.”

You snorted. “What, do you want me to recite the alphabet backwards or something?”

He folded his arms. “If that’s what it takes.”

“Fine,” You uttered, stepping up. “Z-Y-X-W-V-U-T-S-R-Q-P-O — this is seriously the most dull, unsexual thing that any guy has ever asked of me by the way — N-M-L-K-J-I-H-G-F-E-D-C-B-A. Happy?”

“Not quite,” he decided. “I’m going to need you to walk in a straight line, one foot in front of the other.”

You frowned for just a second, turning around and doing as he asked in perfect, undeniably sober fashion. “There. Are we good now or do you have a breathalyzer handy?”

“__________-ah, you know I’m only looking out for you.”

You absolutely did know that and you appreciated the fact that he was making you jump through hoops, but you felt embarrassed anyway. In the past, all you had ever had to do was vaguely hint at wanting to have sex with a guy before he whipped out a condom and got to work.

As expected, Seokjin was different.

His expression softened in the seconds that followed. “Come here.”

“What? Why do I have to go there? Why don’t you just come h —”

“__________-ah, get your ass over here right now.”

Your eyebrows bounced up, and you simply looked to him for a moment, shocked that he would use such a tone with you. The shock lasted only a second before your lips twitched with laughter at the same time as his did. You slowly came forward, stopping within a few inches of him as he tilted his head down and brushed your hair back, behind your ears.

“I’m sorry for embarrassing you,” he apologized to you, rather sincerely.

He was close enough now that you could smell hints of his cologne. The scent itself was soft and cool, like the rain, and the second you breathed it in, you felt your eyes flutter shut. On that same wavelength, Seokjin titled his head even further down, burying his head into the curve your neck and brushing his lips along your pulse.  

You sucked in, startled by the feeling of it. “Are you sure you’re a virgin?”

“Pretty sure,” he quipped, slowly and carefully coming back up again to meet your lips in a kiss.

It was light at first, tentative the way first kisses are. You almost weren’t sure where to place your hands, whether it was too soon to part your lips for him or to tell him how badly you wanted him just then and in how many ways.

Seemingly having read your thoughts, Seokjin pulled back for only a second, brushing his thumb down the middle of your bottom lip and then leaning in again, kissing you so deeply that you felt it everywhere.

Within seconds, you felt his tongue and your body ached for it elsewhere.

“S-seriously,” You panted, pulling back to catch your breath. “Are you sure you’re a … a …”

He kissed down your neck, chuckling. “I promise you, I am.”

“B-but virgins don’t kiss like this.”

“Maybe you were just kissing the wrong ones,” he teased.

You bit down on your bottom lip, tugging gently at his clothes and then grasping his shoulders as he lifted you up, carrying you out of the kitchen and onto the large couch in the living room.

Given that he shared a room with Yoongi, you figured it wasn’t going to happen on a bed. Either way, you didn’t care. The second he dropped you on the couch, you tugged him close, creating a tangled mess of clothes, limbs and body heat.

The silence was quickly interrupted by the sound of zippers and torn threads.

In a matter of seconds, he was shirtless, his jeans undone but still on, and you were on top of him in nothing but your bra and underwear.

You felt it all in that position, his size and how badly he wanted you.

He sat up very briefly, popping your bra open and taking your nipples into his mouth one by one, licking around them and sucking just hard enough to leave you grinding on his lap.

Okay, so he’s a virgin, but maybe not a full virgin.

You quickly regained control, pushing him back down, taking a second to enjoy it before shifting down the length of his body. Going by the way that he held his breath, he knew what was coming and you could see in his eyes that he wanted it badly.

Without a word, you slid your fingertips inside the waist of his jeans, and gently tugged at them, taking his boxers off at the same time. Slowly, every last inch of him was revealed to you. In all honesty, you had never really enjoyed giving blowjobs in the past. You enjoyed the control and you enjoyed giving your partners pleasure, but the actual act of having a dick in your mouth, had never really appealed to you beyond those two things.

But the second you grasped his dick and wrapped your lips around the tip, his leg and abdominal muscles tightening and then releasing, you loved it.

You decided to take it slow, lightly swirling your tongue around the tip while rubbing him up and down with your hand. The deeper you took him in, the harder it was for him to remain quiet.

Once you found a comfortable rhythm, gradually picking up the pace, releasing the tip from your lips with a gentle pop like you had the beer bottle, and then taking it all the way in again, Seokjin tilted his head forward and watched, biting down on his lip, inching closer with each second. He twitched and squirmed and panted so loudly, it was a miracle the others didn’t come rushing out to see what was going on.

You sucked and licked all the way down to his balls and back up his length, your eyes watering and the back of your throat contracting as you took him all the way inside.

“__________-ah,” he gasped, barely managing to get the words out. “I-I’m g-going to —”

You could pulled away but you didn’t. Instead you sucked harder and deeper and allowed him to come into the back of your throat as you hurriedly swallowed.

When you finally came back up to collect you breath — hair a wild mess, eyes bright and cheeks flushed as if you had just finished a workout — he shifted his body upright and met you face to face, brushing your hair back and kissing every inch of your face before making his way to your lips.

You knew he could taste himself on you, and you were really turned on by the fact that he didn’t care.

The moment he guided you back down onto the couch, tugged your underwear off and settled his mouth between your legs, you could sworn you blacked out from anticipation alone.

You were considerably wet already, and going by the way he groaned with his tongue and his lips grazing your clit, you could tell he loved the taste of it. His movements were slow and steady, in a way which proved to you that he had never done this before. He had never used his mouth on a girl before. This was the first time for him, and the more he tested you and teased you and tasted everywhere, the better it felt.

After only a few seconds of exploration, he slowly came to focus all of his attention on your clit, gently sucking and flicking on it as you tugged gently on his hair and squeezed his head between your thighs, mostly without meaning to.

Lips shaking around each moan, you gasped as he slid a finger inside you, and then another.

In a matter of seconds you were twisting and coming, and he kept going, making you twitch and  choke and squeeze until he finally stopped, his lips glistening as he lifted his head up to look at you.

“How was that?” he asked, as if he didn’t already know.

You resisted the urge to wipe that smirk off his face, far too breathless to think straight, let alone speak.

You weren’t sure when it happened, but at some point he got up and ducked into the kitchen, two glasses of ice cold water in he returned moments later. He handed one to you as you sat up, your insides thanking you the moment the cool liquid touched your mouth.

After a moment of thought, you decided to ask. “You’ve never done that before, have you?”

“Was it that obvious?”

“Not in a bad way. Honestly, I-I’ve never come that like from just oral before.”

He blinked his eyes wide, but only briefly. “Really?”

You nodded, thinking back to how it felt just a moment ago. Granted, you hadn’t slept with very many guys, but you had slept with enough to know that it felt different with Seokjin. There was a rush of feelings inside you that couldn’t explain.

The second you met eyes with him, you knew he felt it, too.

Setting your empty glass aside at the same time as him, you looped your hair up, allowing a few strands to fall loosely around your neck, and he grabbed his jeans from the pile of clothes on the floor, tearing open a tiny foil packet a moment later.

Once he rolled the condom on, his dick hard and ready again, you climbed on top and breathed in  as he gently kissed you.

“I don’t want this to be over,” You quietly confessed.

He deepened the kiss, pulling back but only to speak. “Neither do I.”

Within moments of that, you lowered yourself onto him, holding your breath as he gently pushed inside you.

Gasping at the last second, you felt yourself squeeze around him, tightening and then relaxing as you slowly began to ride him. As hard and as fast as you wanted to go, you held back. Although he had come not five minutes prior, you could tell he wasn’t going to last very long.

His lips were on you the entire time. On your mouth, neck and around your nipples, causing you to ride faster and harder, and to bring him so close to the edge, he could taste it.

“Y-you’re going to m-make me c-c —”

You timed it perfectly, using the upward curve of his dick to hit your spot with every motion, and after only about a minute or two of sex, you came at the same time he did, smothering your moan against his lips as the two of you kissed through it. His body felt hard everywhere, softening only as he released the breath that he had been holding in.

He couldn’t even speak properly. “That was … that was … you … we …”

I completely agree. 

“We … we might have to do this … again,” You managed to say, chest rising and falling as you tried to collect your breath. “Just to … just to make sure you get the … full … experience.”

He lifted an eyebrow at you, choking on a sudden burst of laughter at the same time you did, that same rush of feelings bubbling inside you as he cupped your cheeks and left a trail of kiss from your forehead to the bridge of your nose to your lips.

The End

[beccawastaken]

Dear Dad

Hey, 

I miss you, you stubborn, selfish son of a bitch. I love you and you cant take that from me. I will not stop loving you or trying to have you in mine and the kids lives. I will however stop needing your approval or begging you to forgive me for whatever reason you desperately hold on to. 

I know you better than you think, now that I am an adult and also a Capricorn I know you like things a certain way, I know you are set in your ways and forgiving isnt your forte. I know how much you love coffee on quiet mornings and that you get angry way too quickly. I know you refuse to do what someone tells you to do and everything has to be your idea, I know that once youve formed an opinion there is nothing that can sway it. I also know you see me as a disappointment. I know if you could you would avoid me for the rest of your days. I know the sunset prolly reminds you of mum and i know you think about me, even if you wont admit it. I know you know what it feels like to be a disappointment to someone you respect and i know how hard you worked to become the man you are.

I know you quit drinking for me, I know it was hard cause I also know how much you loved drinking. You did the hardest thing you ever had to do to show me that no matter what I can do anything. You never said that, but you never were a man of many words. I know you have never been in touch with your emotions and Kathy has helped you to accept the softer sides of yourself. 

I inherited all these qualities, the good the bad and the ugly, like you, im an addict, like you I cleaned up as best I could, like you I believe respect is earned, you have mine, now give some back. There is a fine line between being stubborn and pigheaded dad, and I smell bacon.

I dont want your forgiveness, I dont want you to say your proud of me, honestly Daddy, what you think of me isnt any of my business. Maybe its time you know your role and just sit back and shut your mouth!

I feel like we are at war, your hiding safe in your personal bunker and im on a cliff high above you waiting for the perfect shot, (its just a tranquilizer, settle down) fighting off the elements and low on supplies. I never get the shot, I dont even know if you are still out there at times. I have revised my strategy and i am gonna flank the fuck out of you. If there is anything you taught me it is that I can do anything i set my mind to, and I want my kids to know where I came from. You dont want me around thats your loss cause i am one fucking amazing person in spite of my issues. Thanks for the strong DNA btw, might not be here without it.

Wanna know what else I know about you? Prolly not but guess what? I’m gonna tell you anyway. I know you love me, deep down in the deepest parts of you that you choose to ignore, I live there. I came from love, you married my mother (a task in itself, trust me, I lived with her too) and I know you loved her, she was crazy about your strength and charm and her huge heart of gold warmed yours.

I know I scared you when i got sick, I cant imagine how it must have felt thinking I was going down the same path as mum, difference is I have your strength and I face my fears and challenges with honestly and brutal determination. This is because of you.

You were always my hero in my eyes, you didnt deserve the title cause you were a chauvinistic asshole but you were still my Daddy. You failed in parenting, which is understandable, kids dont come with instruction manuals. I am so much like you sometimes its uncanny. I am absolutely hilarious, stubborn and always seem to want to be right. Difference is I am more mature, and I do not care about our past. I am proud of myself and who I have become and I dont need you to be. I would however like if you could possibly swallow your pride cause we both know you cant remember why your mad at me and give me a chance.

I dont wanna talk about it, just move on, I miss so many things about you and I really miss Kathy too. I will never stop, you know how stubborn i am (again thanks for that) I will always be the daughter that wants to chill with her Daddy so please just pull up your big girl panties and admit you created an awesome person.

You really are missing out, I have been sainted, I know that will make you smile and I hide my batshit crazy very well. I think its funny that my big tough take on the world dad is afraid of something he cant see or doesnt understand. Time to man up no?

Mic Drop

[aj0131]

Rabbit holes...

im severely lost on my path of life right now. I feel like I dont have many options. It is going to be found out that I failed a ton of classes to the point where I cant graduate on time. And so im not sure that I will end up getting my degree here. Something that was once so important to me became something that was forced and I didnt have a choice in. I didnt want to go to class anymore, it became almost a form of torture. I dont feel like im even intelligent anymore. And i think to what the reasoning is and im not sure I have an exact answer. I just saw the world differently after my mom passed. I unfairly didnt get credit for a class that I deserved to get, and it was like all of that effort meant nothing. Just like it did for my family situation. And I just felt powerless. I think thats a recurring theme... I want to have control over the things that are happening in my life. My best friend is leaving school, and that means ill only really have one person left. And ive told myself for so long that i can be alone again like i have so many times before, but i just dont want to do that again. Im going to be so sad when she goes. She makes me feel good about myself, like I matter, like im loved. And she makes me love myself. Its such a hard situation because shes the one who introduced me to doing drugs all the time, but ive been so much happier since that i cant regret it. It makes me question why society puts such a negative view on them. Ive experienced so much in my life that on a daily basis I have no desire to function or do anything, and drugs change that for me. And the thing is is I dont think theres something wrong with me for not wanting to do anything. I think I needed a break a long time ago. I think I broke a long time ago. And who knows if ill ever be a functioning member of society or if ill just figure it out. It scares me. But I dont blame the drugs. If I know that theyll be there, some days it gives me more motivation to do what I need to. Theyre kind of like a warm hug to come home to. And with my best friend leaving, there goes my access. And im really scared for how thats going to feel. I think im going to be miserable. I think reality is miserable. I spent a few minutes crying in the bathroom the other day just praying that this isnt really reality... and I think that if just my mom was alive and not sick, that I would be okay. I know thats not how life works, but thats all I ever wanted and was my goal. But you cant stop someone else from doing their addiction. I learned that a long time ago. And now hes trying to do the same thing to me before I get too bad, but he doesnt understand my use doesnt have to do with him. I just want to be happy. And my way of handling myself is this way right now. I dont want to hurt myself or want to die everyday. Its just it doesnt feel unhealthy because im not on them ALL the time, i just... whenever I try to justify it, I feel like I sound like a drug addict. That oh, I can stop anytime, its not affecting everything else blahblahblah. I just go as far as to wish I had done them earlier. I would have gotten some relieve sooner. I mean im typing this when im on something now, and its allowing myself to safely access my thoughts. Im done justifying it to myself, because my only job is to live my life and thats what im doing, and no one can tell me how to live it. I just imagine how my life would be if I quit and got everything together, and what I see is me having this giant house on the beach with a chandelier when you walk in, and a winding staircase in a beautiful white room. Id have my hair done up in a low bun with my hair tucked in crystal pins in a beautiful white dress. I would entertain people all the time and go to these beautiful dances and balls. I would have everything together, a perfectly clean house, I would do things all the time like take classes at the gym or take the kids to their soccer practice. And I would be so loved by my husband that i wouldnt even know what to do with myself. Just unconditional support. Id work part time at the aquarium nearby and work for nonprofits. 

The thing is, I dont think any of that is real at all. People fight, things get fucked up, things are stressful, I have numerous mood disorders at this point... I never thought I could get over the loss of my family. The day she died, I lost every bit of hope that Id ever have a real family, and so I never knew if I could then have a real family of my own. [I guess what I should mean to say real is is a healthy one and all the primary members are still present.] 

I finally overcame the hurdle recently where I thought I would never feel things again. He did that for me. And love means so much to me, I thought it was the one thing if I could have, that one amazing love, that I could accept all the things that happened to me. I thought God and I made a deal when I was about 10 that I would take whatever he had to throw at me, I just asked for love, and I felt kind of a confirmation I thought. But I dont think God gives guarantees and I think I was wrong. Or maybe I already fucked it up when I was given the chance. I mean, im crazy in love with a boy right now, but hes never looked at me the same since he found out what Ive done. I believe he loves me so he stays. But thats even hard for him to swallow. And when I think about that life for me that I want, hes who I see it with. He feels like hes my family, and that hes not going anywhere, and I want to believe so badly that he sees past all the bad of me. I want him to know im not like everyone else. And I try to understand that maybe I was given the option to make those horrible choices so that I would understand that I just possibly lost the best thing that couldve happened to me because I wasnt acting like the person that the best could want. I think of it as a way to force myself to see my mistakes so that I understand not to make them again and not continue down that path. I understand that I am at a huge crossroads in my life right now and that I can choose to not really do anything with my life and let it fall apart or that I can pull it together and try to make it what I want it to be. Im not sure that I have it in me to do it when things look so bleak.

I dont want to move in with my dad. I left for a reason. I cant handle living with him, he is really bad for my anxiety. I dont really blame him for it anymore, I think he has an anxiety problem too and doesnt know how to not put that on other people. But it would feel like taking so many steps backward. And I know I would have to sacrifice a lot of myself to do it. He demands to be right and he demands for me to feel and think certain ways that i just dont, and I will never be the perfect person for him, nor for anyone else. I recognize that I am a really strong minded individual that just cant for the life of me be what someone else wants me to be, but i damn sure wish I could. A lot of times I just wish I wasnt me. I feel like everyone wants something different from me, and that im just not enough. Or that I have too many issues to be what they want. 

Sometimes I have the strength to say fuck that, Im proud of who I became because anyone that knows the full truth has told me that they would have killed themselves a long time ago. And I appreciated that they were truthful about it. But I still dont really get any slack from it. Life doesnt stop just because you need it to. 

My dad says hes about to take a job overseas and that he wants me to take over the family and bills and all of that... and it honestly feels like hes choosing my life for me and that Im about to end up stuck in my hometown living the same life he did just a different job. When I go home all I see is my past and how miserable I was before, and just all of these ghosts of past people and past happenings, and specifically my mom. I mean we still have a lot of her things and we still live in the same house we lived in. Its like my dad and sister dont feel it. But its like all of what happened in that house is still there, like a haunting. 

But anyways, Im getting offtrack. The thing is is that hes right when he says I could live rent free and I wont be able to really afford an apartment by myself at first. But honestly, I only see myself doing three options. Living with my dad, taking a job in a random place because I found security deposit money and I just go for it, or I live with him. And while my favorite options is living with him, we fight every other day, and I am constantly afraid of when hes going to leave. (yeah, i know, healthy). Its definitely not the time to talk about it. It just fucking sucks because there are so many times I look at him, and I am just overcome with how much I love him (hes called me out on a few occasions, much to my amusement) and its like I cant say it or I shouldnt let myself feel that way because he doesnt want to be with me. Its not like I dont understand why, I just dont want it to be like that. But i cant give up. Especially after all of this, like I did not put myself through this for no reason. I just want to stop feeling so sad about it, its like I cant be sad because then im not enjoying the time hes giving me, but I cant be too happy because at any time he could just decide hes never going to want to be with me again. It makes me insecure and into a person that im not. But its yet another thing that i dont have control over. Because i do everything that i know how to do, but im told its not being seen or that its not enough. And sometimes Im so down about it that I think he just deserves better than me. When were in a fight and hes describing how he sees me, it makes me see myself like that, and then i just dont understand why he loves me at all. It makes me think that he has to see past what he thinks he sees. Ive been beginning to be so hurt by what he says about me that im not sure i can look at myself the same way. If the person that ended up knowing and seeing all of my worst and best parts of me thinks so little of me, then what am i to think of myself? I cant blame him for thinking that im a liar and a fake but good God do I pray someday he will look at me and not see that. Im trying so hard to turn my life around and be someone hes worthy of being with, and I think thats why when im in one of my really bad states that on the inside im just screaming at the top of my lungs, I feel like im not being heard, I feel like im not even here and that he has to be talking about someone else. How did I become that person? I just know that that cant be me or who I became, because ive fought tooth and nail to get out, and I dont believe in not being able to change your life around. I just know that if I dont continue trying to be with him and to stop doing what he doesnt want me to do, that im never going to know if it could have worked. That maybe that was it. Everything in me has been telling me I should fight, and now is the time I have to. That im in this place for a reason right now and I have to work my hardest to get out of what ive done to myself. I just know that ive hardly been able to feel anything since my mom died, and since i met him I feel everything in life again, like I care again about what happens. Im fighting for myself because I feel like theres something there. I can look outside and feel happy about a flower that I found pretty growing. Im filled with hope, and I want to fight. I think thats what I have to do. Fight for the life that I want and not let anyone else decide it for me. I need to fight to make myself better. I need to fight to get what I want. And I think hes been trying to fight with me and help me to. And maybe thats part of his purpose in my life. I just dont feel like its over yet. Any of it. I just need to be okay with not making a decision of what to do right this second. Things need time to work through themselves as well. I cant control everything. I need to do one day at a time and stop letting others influence me so much, and to trust myself to do whats right for me. (Ha, trust someone on drugs, real funny...) 

I just know this is only a fraction of how my mom felt when she was trying to do better after all that shed done, which is a lot worse than me, and I pray that she has peace now knowing that I know she tried. Im just going to try to not make the same mistakes of letting other people control my life and tell me who I am or am not. I decide that. And I dont have to let my past travel on with me. I just need to fight.

[quasarsturncoat]

DORIAN: -The Red Comet is a pretty comfy place, all things considered. It's not big like the UU, but it comes with the promise of adventure, and that's a lot more exciting, in the end. They should be touching down pretty soon, so he's munching on a banana and poring over a the vague map they've got to work with -- very little is explored, and he's got to mark the relevant destinations and landmarks that they do know of. It's a pretty thrilling prospect to chart out more of this land, especially since it promises a somewhat funky biome. The reason it hadn't been explored much before now was largely due to some of its strange animal residents that made travel a challenge -- particularly a certain large land-dwelling goatlike creature that tended to live in groups and drove most explorers out. Luckily, Dorian is an expert on weird animals, and this is right up his alley. He did plenty of research based on what they knew about the big ol' goats beforehand, and he has at least a few ideas of how to get around that problem.-

DORIAN: hey siri did we bring peanut butter?? -he loves the stuff despite a few of his family member's allergies... he likes to eat it where they can't gaze on jealously.-

SIRIUS: =Red Comet was on autopilot for now. When both terrain and weather were clear, Sirius felt comfortable enough to leave the cabin and settle in the small room off to the right. The hum of Red Comet's engines were not the low rumble of the UU's, but it provided an excellent background noise that brought her comfort. They had plenty of charge left from the solar panels and she ensured that she'd filled the reserve fuel tank before departing Lauctis's docks where the UU had also taken rest. Sirius was across from Dorian, seated at the the small community dining table/desk and idly tapping her chin with a pen. She had a field journal out where previous photographs taken of the area were spread about in a concentrated semicircle around her. She was taking the time to write down some more notes before they touched ground. Her camera gear was all packed up and ready in her sylladex, and if they happened to meet this goatlike creature, there was this "Caprinae Repellent" a shady troll sold them at a kiosk. She had faith in Dorian's abilities and knowhow, though, and if all else failed, they had the legs to run out of there like no tomorrow!=

SIRIUS: =When he spoke, Sirius lifted her head and smiled broadly.=

SIRIUS: (yeah i remember that was on our shopping list before we left)

SIRIUS: (lemme see) =she got up and began rummaging around in the cabinets of her small kitchen= (im pretty sure we got it)

SIRIUS: (i personally checked it off the list so it should be here somewhere)

SIRIUS: (oh)

SIRIUS: (here it is) =!=

SIRIUS: =She grabbed a tablespoon (what else would you grab for peanut butter?) and held it up to him, waiting for him to take it before she uncapped the peanut butter and slid it across the table to him. It had yet to be opened, and the seal was still intact, waiting for someone to rip it open and feast upon the contents.=

SIRIUS: (it was hiding next to the other condiments) = :)

DORIAN: -YES. THE BIG SPOON. She read his mind. He grabs that pretty quick before scooping up the jar, too, grinning as he flips the spoon over to use the handle end to poke a hole into the seal.-

DORIAN: that sassy bastard. it thought it could outsmart me for the first and last time. -peels the seal back, checking the underside of it just in case, but it's pretty clean. Ahh, there's nothing like the sight of the smooth, untouched surface of a fresh jar of peanut butter. TIME TO RUIN IT FOREVER. He scoops a frankly ludicrous amount onto this spoon, just so he doesn't have to double dip and get his slobber all in it. He can be courteous sometimes!-

DORIAN: -Tiny, delicate nom.- sho i wash wondering.

DORIAN: have you ever gone shpelunking on any of your-- -swallows- --adventures?

DORIAN: not gonna lie. part of me just wanted to say spelunking just now.

SIRIUS: =Takes her own spoon, but only scrapes about half her spoons worth=

SIRIUS: (actually yes)

SIRIUS: (well sort of)

SIRIUS: (i was telling durgah just the other day about it)

SIRIUS: (it was an underground cave system that had a whole forest down there with even a river running through it)

SIRIUS: (the flora was so different than the ones above ground cause i mean)

SIRIUS: (who knew when the last time any of that even saw the sun)

SIRIUS: (i didnt get that far though cause no climbing rope)

SIRIUS: (that and i had to leave the planet like the next day because the weather on ochandrues is crazy)

SIRIUS: (the lightning storms are pretty though)

SIRIUS: (you can see them from space)

SIRIUS: (look) =she cleared some of her pictures and brought out a sphere containing her digital star charts whereby turning it on, it lit up the room with its scattering of the universe. She pointed to a tiny yellow sparkle, where it zoomed in and showed a slow revolution of five planets around their star.= (here we are in the síocháin system)

SIRIUS: =and then she spread her fingers and it zoomed back out. She moved her hand across the lightyears until she selected a reddish sun. Seven planets were in this one, two of which were revolving around their star at what appeared to be breakneck speed.= (that particular planet is here in the pikkupaholainen system)

SIRIUS: =wiggles her finger at an orangish colored planet.= (ochandrues)

DORIAN: -He's already completely enraptured once she starts telling him the story, but somehow even more so once she brings up her star charts, his own eyes practically sparkling. Maybe from the reflected light, but also because he's a LITTLE BIT EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT. Space is just... so beautiful???-

DORIAN: wow........

DORIAN: man.

DORIAN: thats just so amazing. -He really sounds awed by it, and he is. It's a little more real, hearing a personal account about it, imagining that cavernous forest and any number of things that could have been blooming and thriving down there without the sun. Just incredible. He sniffs once.-

DORIAN: im sure as heck not letting us run out of climbing rope. i only brought a metric assload just so you know.

SIRIUS: (it is isnt it) =She settled her chin in her hands and watched the planets spin, sighing happily. Then Dorian's last statement caused a laugh to bubble up and she grinned= (good to be prepared for anything)

SIRIUS: (maybe one day you can see it too)

SIRIUS: (the best part was i didnt know that cave was there)

SIRIUS: (part of the ground gave out and i fell in)

SIRIUS: (i think sometimes)

SIRIUS: (forgotten places want to be found)

DORIAN: -That makes him grin, too. It's a nice thought, and an inspiring one, if nothing else.- or discovered. -Like they're going to do today. The mere thought of it again is enough to make him sit up a little more in his seat, a little too much energy in his bones.-

DORIAN: well i sure hope like they feel like it today anyway. or tomorrow. sometime at least within the month would be good.

DORIAN: just the thought of getting to fill out this map more is making me antsy!!! hahaha. its just so COOL. getting to do this.

DORIAN: -His gaze softens a little when he looks at her again, sincere.- im really glad im doing this with you. most of my stuff i always do by myself and i like... yeah it inspires me to try my hardest so i can figure things out without having to depend on someone and yada yada but its nice to have someone else around to like. experience something amazing with you and i really feel like thats what were gonna do.

DORIAN: so thank you for like. having me along for this ride. and sorry for getting all sappy on you out of nowhere hahaha!

SIRIUS: (it will give us more time to explore which would be really nice especially since the weather here wont kill us so easily) =The fauna might, though! She zoomed back out on the star maps, and there are blank areas which become more frequent the further out the soft light reaches in the room.=

SIRIUS: (hehehehe no its not sappy) =shakes her head= (i feel the same) =her smile reaches her eyes and her cheeks give off the teeniest of glows= (its not so common to find someone wholl give up a lot to see places far from home so thank you)

SIRIUS: (i really do appreciate you coming out here and seeing all this with me) =AND LEAVING YOUR LOVED ONES BEHIND. She "are you sure?"ed so many times. What she won't admit to him is that for all her adventures and travels, for how nice it was seeing things few had seen, it did get lonely from time to time.=

SIRIUS: (im glad youre here too you know) =she laughed a little and there was a slightly awkward pause before she just shoved her spoon of peanut butter in her mouth. Time to stop talking.=

DORIAN: well hey. its what i love too you know? you get that. -His soft smile shifts into a grin after a few moments of watching her with that spoon, and he stands up out of his seat.- DORIAN: well im done with this for now and we probably dont have much longer in here so why dont we spend our last free time fucking around??

DORIAN: -he stands up out of his seat, sticking his own spoon between his teeth like a makeshift rose and spin-shimmying a few times before offering her a hand... And also pulling the spoon back out and setting it on the table with the other.-

DORIAN: -Activate terrible French accent.- hon hon titty baguette... care to dance mademoiselle?

SIRIUS: =She watched him do this, staring for a bit before she was yanked out of this trance by her now peanut butter-less spoon falling out of her mouth and clattering to the table. She fumbled with it for a moment - fukcgin - and gently set it on a napkin before quickly capping the jar. Not wanting to leave him hanging for long, Sirius made a semi flustered noise, followed by a squeaky- =

SIRIUS: (sure er wait how do you say it)

SIRIUS: (oui oui monsieur mon ami) =Yes, that is exactly how to French, mister my friend. She pushed back in her chair and it slid easily across the Arabian rug. Fkjfalkfjkalf she'll just accept that hand now.=

DORIAN: -he just chuckles, pulling her closer once he's got her hand and taking her other while he's at it to guide her into a sway, stepping them around in circles.-

DORIAN: -he starts singing, but no linkin park or show tunes this time. It's something different.- oh we dont have much.

DORIAN: pocket full of holes aint got no luck.

DORIAN: one in every town weve been before.

DORIAN: stealing from the rich but giving more.

DORIAN: oh this is where the legend begins... whoaaa.

DORIAN: i think i know the ending for this,

DORIAN: and i know it cause...

DORIAN: we ride into the sunset like its the young west!

DORIAN: dont mind lover reach for the stars.

DORIAN: we make out like bandits dreaming of mansions!

DORIAN: every night youll sleep in my arms.

DORIAN: so darling ride ride ride like the wind.

DORIAN: and drive drive drive to forget.

DORIAN: our lives might depend on it... ride into the sunset.

SIRIUS: =Oh wow.. .this was different! She listens to the words as she sways with him, only faltering in the steps a little at first before figuring out the pattern. Following his steps, she relied on him to lead. Her smile is growing, and the glow returns again towards the tops of her cheeks under her eyes=

DORIAN: -Seeing her smile just makes him grin more, pulling her along in a more enthusiastic little sway as he hums. He's not used to literal glowing from most people, but she's special in that way, and it's nice that somehow he might have caused it.-

DORIAN: oh its all or not.

DORIAN: lovers on the run til we get caught.

DORIAN: making a getaway with everything we stole.

DORIAN: pistol on the draw lets start the show ohh oh oh oh.

DORIAN: cause this is where the legend begins... ohhhh.

DORIAN: i think i know the ending to this and i know it cau—

DORIAN: -There's a sudden shudder and groan in the ship that throws him a little off balance, and his first instinct is to pull Sirius closer, despite the fact that she is definitely not small enough for him to shelter. He'll be damned if he won't try anyway.-

DORIAN: ... so that was solar wind right.

SIRIUS: =Nice sea space legs, Dorian! The shudder makes her turn her head and her glow fizzled for the time being. She also hugged him back (cuz that was no mistaking it was a hug!), and pat him on the back.=

SIRIUS: (um)

SIRIUS: (maybe) =?? There was something about that noise, though...=

SIRIUS: (lets check it out)

SIRIUS: (to the cockpit) =?=

DORIAN: -TOTALLY JUST A NORMAL HUG. But he is definitely just a little suspicious, and normally he might not be so worried, but Sirius is here with him.- yeah.

DORIAN: -He shifts his hold so he's got one of her hands in his (just in case), and starts moving that way.- now would be a really shitty time for mothra not gonna lie.

SIRIUS: =she's worried because DORIAN is with her. What if he gets hurt?? That would be a NIGHTMARE=

SIRIUS: (well its)

SIRIUS: (plausible)

SIRIUS: (theres space mantas so i wouldnt count against it) =comforting smile! Though what she just said may be less than comforting=

SIRIUS: (but you dont need to worry about those)

SIRIUS: (theyre super gentle creatures who wouldnt hurt anything)

SIRIUS: (they even let me fly with them for a bit)

SIRIUS: (i think their pod was migrating)

SIRIUS: =there is aanother rumble followed by a sound that is clearly not mechanical. Also, it sounds quite large.=

SIRIUS: (though its)

SIRIUS: (not the season for them to go yet)

DORIAN: uhh... -He's holding her hand just a fraction tighter at the noise, brows creased. What gives? They're almost there...-

DORIAN: yeah that doesnt sound like any kind of manta. -With renewed determination, he practically pulls her over to the cockpit, not touching anything just yet. It's her ship, after all.-

SIRIUS: =slips into the pilot's seat as comfortably as though she was putting on a jacket.=

SIRIUS: (as much as it sounds like it wants to say hi im going to go ahead and not give it an answer if thats okay with you)

SIRIUS: =buckles in. Dorian should probs do the same thing=

DORIAN: im okay with that. -He pulls the safety harness and clicks it in place, glancing at her to grin again.- unless the answer is BYE FELICIA.

DORIAN: -Whatever this is, he's sure they can deal with it. Moreover, he feels sure Sirius can outfly it.-

SIRIUS: =Shit that makes her giggle, but she's also quickly turning off auto pilot and eases it into manual drive. There is another particularly loud clunk and ok no, Rammie just patched up the paint job, and no one insults Rammie's work like that!=

SIRIUS: =growling (it's probs the most UNaggressive growl lbr), Sirius increased the thrust and they zoomed forward, but not before another clunk. Gripping the wheel, she pulled down a video feed from above them which were of the rear cameras that acted pretty much like a land vehicle's rear and side mirrors. From it, they can both catch sight of some dark shadowy something move from the left side of the ship before disappearing below them.=

SIRIUS: =She stared open mouthed and squinting for a full three seconds, her brows furrowing. They were going pretty fast as they were, and it was keeping up with the ship. She'd never seen something like this before, and it was definitely bigger than any space manta.=

SIRIUS: (excuse my language)

SIRIUS: (but what the hell is that)

DORIAN: ... uhhhh...

DORIAN: -He doesn't know, but he's definitely borrowing this camera footage later. He's trying to think, flipping through a mental catalogue of possible things it could be. It was probably unlikely to be some kind of ghost, with as solid as it seemed, and without much out here to anchor it to something. It seemed a little too small -- and maybe a little too "normal" -- to be one of those... outer gods, or whatever. The thing was, there was a lot about space they didn't know about. But... he had heard rumors of some kind of force or entity that bore similarities to dark matter, or maybe that was dark matter. All the incidents had been hard to document, though, as they were just as mysteriously ending as they began. Well, this thing was definitely dark. Beyond that, though... He wasn't sure.-

DORIAN: not to be the unhelpful guy but your guess is about as good as mine... ive only got one idea and it doesnt do jack for us really!!

DORIAN: this better not be one of those bermuda triangle surprise black hole kind of things. that would REALLY ruin my—

DORIAN: -Another clunk against the ship, and suddenly the camera feed catches the thing ascending again, but higher, faster, moving ahead of them and its dark shape shifting a little too rapidly for him to be able to tell exactly what it was. What he could tell, though, was that there seemed to be some light radiating from its core, that was more difficult to make out the further it flew away. It looked like it was heading... toward this solar system's star.-

DORIAN: whats it doing...?

SIRIUS: =She watched at it flew over them, the angling of the glass panes giving them more than a great view of said shadowy something. She noticed the light, too, but would have thought it almost a trick of the light if her eyes hadn't been locked on it as they were.=

SIRIUS: (.....besides heading on a collision course with that star i have no clue)

SIRIUS: (at least its no longer rubbing up against us like godzillafied lei lei on steroids)

DORIAN: -He can't not snort at that imagery, but he's still a little absorbed in watching the thing head further away, closer and closer to the sun until he can barely see it anymore. They're almost to their destination, now... He shouldn't feel concern, but something about it is still intriguing. He wants to know more.-

DORIAN: wonder if well see it again...

SIRIUS: =she's squinting again, trying to peer past the sun's light, but there's no use. The creature is evidently gone.=

SIRIUS: (maybe) =she laughed a little nervously= (maybe not)

SIRIUS: (maybe it spared us because we didnt look tasty)

SIRIUS: (maybe its allergic to peanut butter and having our spoonful just now saved our lives) =she laughed again, brushing off that funny feeling that she might be forgetting something.=

SIRIUS: =thats okay through, because a chiming ding does it for her and she glanced back down at the dash. The noise had been to indicate the automatic switch to using actual fuel from the actual tanks which was so rarely done Sirius only used them for emergencies. Her eyes scanned the panels and she finally discovered that the solar energy reserves had been completely drained and the needle rested upon fucking EMPTY. They'd stopped at the last sun to charge the panels, and the trip only took up 40% of the recently obtained energy to get this far! She'd checked it herself! Her initial confusion is now transforming into shock as she stared agape at the dials.=

DORIAN: well thats just another thing in the universe allergic in that case... poor bastard. -shakes head.-

DORIAN: -The ding, though, that gets his attention too, and so does the look on Sirius' face.- what?? whats up?

DORIAN: is that...

DORIAN: the ding of the fuel? the fuel ding??

DORIAN: the dang fuel ding???

SIRIUS: (th-the ding was the ding of the-) =She's flapping her hand at the thing= (the sun thing) =SHE CANT EVEN WORDS RIGHT NOW=

SIRIUS: (it means the sun thing isnt making us go and the ding is for the fuel thing)

SIRIUS: =SHAKES HER HEAD. wow this is a mess= (were going on fuel and the thing dinged to let us know)

DORIAN: oh.

DORIAN: yeah ok i had a feeling that was the ding thing.

DORIAN: ....

DORIAN: what????

SIRIUS: (hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh) =She lifts her hands and drags them down her face before holding them straight in front of her. Initiate Calm Sequence.=

SIRIUS: (we had more than sufficient solar energy to make it planetside but for some reason we dont have any anymore) =taps the dial. Maybe there's just been a mechanical malfunction. Spoilers: it isn't.=

SIRIUS: (were running on backup fuel)

SIRIUS: (which we barely have enough of to land)

SIRIUS: (so im wondering right now where the hell the rest of our crap went) =!=

SIRIUS: =says this all very calmly=

DORIAN: that is...

DORIAN: a really good thing to wonder!!!!!

DORIAN: and also.

DORIAN: uh.

DORIAN: ...

DORIAN: so.

DORIAN: uh this is just a theory.

DORIAN: but you remember that shadowy thing.

SIRIUS: (the same shadowy thing that was grinding up against us like a cheese grater to a mozzarella block)

DORIAN: yeah that thing exactly...

DORIAN: -SIGHS.-

DORIAN: if it messed something up permanently i am gonna be SO. PEEVED.

SIRIUS: (waitaminute)

SIRIUS: (are you saying that thing had something to do with the ding)

DORIAN: YEAH. THE DING THING!!!!

DORIAN: THE DING DANG FUCKING THING.

SIRIUS: (so what youre telling me is that ding-) =shakes her head= (i mean thing that blasted off to the sun ate our stored solar energy)

DORIAN: i guess????

DORIAN: i mean thats the only thing that makes sense right?

DORIAN: it had to have done SOMETHING.

DORIAN: -goddamn team rocket...-

SIRIUS: (...)

SIRIUS: =stares at the sun, then looks at her dashboard=

SIRIUS: (im gonna land us safe dont worry okay)

SIRIUS: =she's gone so long on solar power that she hadn't even bothered filling the fuel tanks. Theres a bit left, and it SHOULD be enough for them to land, but=

SIRIUS: =smiles at dorian!=

SIRIUS: (its gonna be okay)

DORIAN: ...

DORIAN: hehe.

DORIAN: yeah i know you will. -He just grins back at her, confident in that. If he could trust in anyone, it'd be a fellow traveler, and he believes in her.-

DORIAN: this is already some ride. all because we had to go and eat that damn peanut butter.

SIRIUS: =His lightheartedness makes her relax and she laughed at his final statement. Cracking her knuckles she guided her ship down through the atmosphere. Breaking through atmo was always a little bumpy - they felt it whenever the UU landed, but with a smaller ship it was far more evident.=

SIRIUS: =She landed on a deep green hill with barely any fuel to spare. The alert light that indicated depletion flickered on and Sirius placed a hand over it.=

SIRIUS: (shhhhhh)

SIRIUS: =After pressing the required buttons to spread the solar panel wings for a recharge, Sirius cut the engines and slumped in her chair, spluttering a long exhale.=

SIRIUS: (so)

SIRIUS: (that happened)

DORIAN: -He's only just a little bit tense as Sirius brings in the ship for a landing, but he won't let her see that. He's still pretty sure it'll be fine, but there's still the matter of what could possibly be on the surface of the planet, too, and everything that's destined to be ahead of them. He just laughs once they're finally settled, unbuckling and hopping out of his seat.-

DORIAN: WHEW.

DORIAN: it sure did. and you nailed it as expected.

DORIAN: didnt think things would get exciting THAT early. makes me wonder where the rest of this adventure is heading... DORIAN: AND THEN SUDDENLY THE PLANET EXPLODED.

DORIAN: -yeah like that would ever happen hahahaha-

DORIAN: -snrks- want me to grab up the... maps? -glances back at the scattered papers-

SIRIUS: =She's super glad Dorian seems okay, especially mentally. She liked to plan things out as much as possible, but with trips to various other planets she ended up throwing out the itinerary for the use it gave her. Even so, she didn't expect this from a star system that was supposed to be relatively GENTLE. HHHHHHHHH.=

SIRIUS: =She blushed at the compliment and spluttered a little, looking away slightly embarrassed.= (hhhhh.... thank you) =but she smiles=

SIRIUS: =The only thing Terezi went fuzzy on war details was how the couple empty spaces in her starcharts happened to get there.= (hehehehe if it does explode hopefully were long gone by that time)

SIRIUS: (yeah grab em please) =she untangled herself from the seatbelt and began gathering up some essentials before their departure= (i had to land us couple hundred clicks east of our predetermined landing zone because of the) =grumbles= (shortage of fuel but it looks safe and is out in the open and away from large bodies of water)

SIRIUS: (so hopefully our chances of running into larger predators is slim)

SIRIUS: (well)

SIRIUS: (slimmer)

DORIAN: -he's stepping over to the scattered sheets, grabbing them all up. He'll sort them out in a minute.- well i hate to break it to you siri but...

DORIAN: -stands up straight again after scooping papers off the floor- you already ran into the biggest predator around. -proceeds to casually perform The Eyebrow Dance.-

SIRIUS: =She had been glancing over at him expectantly, but after he finishes his statement, all she can do is stare, legitimately stunned.=

SIRIUS: (...)

SIRIUS: =Then her face breaks and she hid it behind her hand= (pffffffff hehehehehehehe)

DORIAN: -well now he's grinning, laughing too, and he quickly makes an effort to sort through the mess of papers before captchaloguing them.- im pretty sure most everythings in my sylladex... except the peanut butter naturally. thats pretty important.

DORIAN: anything you need to grab before we head into fresh air? or did you want to rest first.

SIRIUS: =She grinned.= (i dunno about you but with all the excitement i can hardly rest)

SIRIUS: =She is opening some cabinets though, grabbing things she hadn't yet stored in her sylladex: a couple binoculars, and several packs of piton. You never knew. She also went to the ship's small kitchen to grab the peanut butter, which had fallen to the floor after being knocked off the table from the jostling.=

SIRIUS: (cant forget our spooky cloud repellent hehe)

DORIAN: oh of course. we would be fuck knuckled FOOLS to forget that. -He's grinning; he's glad she agreed to run out of the ship, because he feels much the same. There's no way to chill now that they're finally here, especially after all of that.-

DORIAN: lets blow this glorious popsicle stand shall we? -offers a hand and nods toward the exit door-

SIRIUS: =she shoved the rest of their needed materials into her sylldex and smiled as she took Dorian's hand=

SIRIUS: (yeah lets blow it)

SIRIUS: =she turned and blew a kiss shipward=

SIRIUS: =and then laughed at her own joke. She's hilarious.=