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writingsfromstarfleet · 4 years

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A Problem Shared - Julian Bashir X Reader

A/N: To the lovely Anon who asked for this, I thank you, I adore writing for this lil doctor, he’s definitely one of my favourites, it’s any excuse at this point, haha! I sincerely hope you, and everyone else, enjoys! :)x

TW: Mentions of bad mental health, if this makes you uncomfortable, feel free to skip this one!

Travelling space, seeing the stars, discovering new worlds. All of this to anyone would seem like a dream. And it was, it truly was. Never had you felt more grateful to have the opportunity to study and work in space. Seeking out new planets, carrying out new experiments; it was all in a days work for you, and you couldn't be happier.

Though, while it was truly a blessing to say that this was your job, there were days and weeks where the whole galaxy seemed like it was falling apart.

For years, you had struggled with some issues pertaining to mental health, and it took its toll on you more often than not. Before you enrolled in Starfleet, you had gone through many rough patches, and many unpleasant experiences. The results were lasting, and the damage never seemed to cease. You joined Starfleet, an attempt originally at distracting yourself from your problems, and fell in love with it. After being assigned to Deep Space Nine, you vowed that you would no longer let your internal issues affect you in ways that meant you couldn't do your job.

You'd been on the station for just under a year, and had met and worked with the best set of people this side of the universe. Every single one of them were friends to you, genuine and true friends. Some you were closer to than others, but every one of them meant the world to you. The doctor, Julian Bashir, was one such person who you connected with.

Originally, you found him to be very full on, very facetious. Alas, you realised quickly that you were more or less one in the same. You shared the same interests, had the same sense of humour, and the same palette when it came to food. Slowly but surely, the bond strengthened and before you knew it, you were walking round calling Julian your boyfriend.

That made your situation all the more awkward, and you felt guilty. In the recent days, you hadn't been feeling yourself, and you knew that it was another bad phase that was oncoming, one you had promised yourself you would let in no more. Still, it came. You became quiet, almost avoidant of your peers, which caused them to grow concerned. Not only that, you pushed Julian away, too, spending less time than normal with him. Your friends turned to the good doctor for answers, and were just as shocked to find he had none as he was that you had been avoiding everyone.

Julian didn't understand; you had always been such a happy and free spirit. It was very rare he would ever see you sad, though when he did it was usually a nightmare, or a past memory, or even a bad away mission. All things he helped fix with a good cuddle and words of reassurance. Though, this time, he felt there was something more underneath, he didn't need to be a doctor to see it. This wasn't an ordinary sad spell, and you'd be a fool to try and hide it from him.

All day you sat in your quarters, tears rolling free and fast. You were exhausted, however you weren't sure if it was from the lack of sleep, food, or the amount of crying you had done. Dragging yourself up, you traipsed over to the replicator and grabbed a glass of water and a bagel. Unable to force yourself to eat, you instead sipped on the water, standing against the wall and staring into space, as it were.

The ringing of your door took you out of the trance you were in, and you just stared at it. You couldn't say you were certain who it was, but you had a feeling it was Julian. And if you were honest with yourself, the last thing you needed was a lecture. Feeling bad for even keeping your issues from him, though, your heart decided it was probably best to open the door. Your brain said otherwise, and kept you stood on the spot instead.

"Please, Y/N, don't make me use the override." Hearing his voice sent a rush of calm through you, even in your drained state, and you picked up on the exasperation of his tone. He was stressed. You remembered when he had told you that he wouldn't ever use the override code on your door unless it was absolutely necessary; he saw it as invasion of your privacy. But, even if he did, you couldn't blame him, knowing he must be worried sick.

Silence fell again and the door still hadn't opened. Figuring he had left, you took yourself to your be and wrapped yourself entirely in your blankets, feeling the warmth as somewhat of a comfort. You were between sleep and consciousness, and the sound of the door opening this time caught your attention. You laid still.

"Y/N..." the familiar voice spoke in almost a whisper, and you were met with Julian's concerned face as he knelt before you. You stayed lay down, cocooned within your blanket, and he reached out to run a hand through your hair, concern lacing his face. "What's wrong?"

You sniffed, having no answer. You truly didn't know, you had nothing to say. Your thoughts ran away with themselves, and you felt like you were slipping into past mindsets, something that scared you.

Julian looked down, almost as though he was going to cry himself, and even in your current state, it broke your heart to see. He cared so much, and you still hadn't told him anything.

"Julian," you began, reaching a hand out of the blanket to cup his face. "Come here." It wasn't so much of a statement as a question, your voice hesitant and low. He looked at you with shimmering eyes, and you lifted the blanket up. Julian realised, and climbed in beside you, immediately encasing you in his arms. You buried your head into his chest, arms resting around his middle, and cried. You cried out everything you had left, every single thought and feeling you had running round, and he let you.

Julian knew you needed this, and he lay with you without question. Feeling your crying had ceased, he spoke ever so gently so as not to startle you.

"Y/N-" he began, but you looked up at him and cut him off, not impolitely.

"I should have told you a long time ago," you started, shifting so that Julian could hear your words. "I've struggled with mental health issues for almost ten years now, and I've had a troubled past. Every now and then, it get's bad, really bad. Some days, I can't even leave my bed, some days I can. It hasn't been this bad in over three years, and I got scared, which is why I shut myself off from everyone. I- I panicked, Juli, I didn't know what to do, I-"

You stopped as you felt your head twang in pain and you choked up. Having no tears left to cry, you laid your forehead on his chest again. He stroked the back of your head, running his hand through your hair once more.

"Y/N, listen to me. This, isn't an issue. This isn't something you ever have to deal with alone, it's not a nice experience. You have a great support unit around you, everyone was asking about you and if you were well, you know? They all care. And so do I, as well you know. This breaks my heart to see, the fact that you thought you had to go through this alone. You aren't ever alone."

"I know, but I just didn't want to push my issues on anyone else. I vowed to myself that when I finished at the academy, I wouldn't ever allow these kinds of mindsets to ruin my work ethic, and I guess that didn't work out well, did it?"

Your dry humour made him chuckle; he marvelled at how you handled situations with humour, even when the circumstances were dire.

"You are far too proud, Y/N, you astound me," he chuckled slightly, before returning to his previous seriousness. "In all honesty, you needn't ever have to worry about talking to me with things like this. Not only am I a doctor who's trained to deal with this, I'm your boyfriend, and I love you far too much to let you just suffer. Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you com to me? I could have given you a prescription.."

"I- really, I don't know. I just panicked, I never wanted these feelings, these thoughts, to ever come back, and when they did, I didn't know how to react, I'm sorry, Julian."

He wrapped his arms around you again, burying his head into your hair. Kissing the top of your head, he spoke once more, the same softness his voice always carried with you.

"Never apologise, I understand. We are going to work through it, and we are going to be alright. I'll prescribe you something to help in the morning, alright? You have to promise me that this is the last time you struggle alone. Don't hesitate to call on me if you need me, it's why I'm here. I can't stand the thought of you keeping this battle to yourself. We'll win together, we'll get through it. Promise me?"

You managed a smile up at him, your mood already somewhat lifted.

"I promise, thank you, Julian. Somehow, you've always got the right thing to say."

"Anything for the person I love the most. You are never a burden, remember that. A problem shared is a problem halved."

You stayed like that for the night, cuddled into Julian's side as he told you stories of his past ventures to take your mind off things. It worked, and you couldn't have been more thankful. You promised yourself things once again, but this time, you had told yourself you weren't ever going to keep things from Julian. You couldn't break his heart like that.

"I love you, Julian." Your voice was heavy with tiredness, and you felt him smile into your hair.

"And I you, Y/N. I always have, and always will."

You slept that night in content, knowing that any battle you faced was won with Julian by your side. He was your rock, and with him, you were safe.

#tw: mental health #tw: depression #star trek #star trek imagine #star trek x reader #star trek deep space nine #star trek ds9 #deep space nine #ds9 #julian bashir #julian bashir imagine #julian bashir x reader #x reader #imagine

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #378

“come as you are, as you were, as i want you to be”

Have you ever dreamt in another language? No. How long will you try out something you don’t enjoy before giving up on it? It really depends, but in most cases, admittedly very quickly. What’s something you recently realized or discovered about yourself? *shrug* What’s the most interesting news you read or received recently? What about the most depressing? Not in a good way really, but it was certainly interesting to learn I have such severe sleep apnea. Like, I was certain I didn't. The most depressing would be uhhhh... I guess Jason's mother's death, but I don't know how "recent" you'd consider that by now. Would you let politics get in the way of a relationship? It depends. Some beliefs I absolutely would not tolerate (like anti-LGBT), others I would just agree to disagree with. What is one way in which you need to learn to control yourself? I need to get better at controlling my mouth when I'm extremely upset. Do you use a photo editor? I use Lightroom and Photoshop for photography. Is your dad overweight? No, I think he's actually underweight. Ever been honked at? Yes. What’s the name of the most recent baby a friend has had? Easton, I think? An old middle school friend had him. Have you ever taken medication to help you fall asleep faster? Yes, but they never work for me. How did your parents pick your name? I dunno. If you had to move to another country, where would you move? Canada. Do you have a balcony? No. Who is a singer that has given you chills? Man, I get chills easily with music. David Draiman from Disturbed, his cover of "Sound of Silence" is BREATHTAKING. That's number one. There are many others, they're just not coming to me at the moment. Do you have a drone? No. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? Some wings at Buffalo Wild Wings. I got some crazy hot sauce. Have you ever discovered something gross in your food at McDonalds? No. What was the last thing you used sliced bread to make? A sandwich. How long did your shortest relationship last? Like a day lmao. Would you rather have a trampoline or swimming pool? A POOL!!!! I've talked before about how I want one so, SO very badly to exercise my legs without having to worry about sweat, and I can take a break the very moment I need to. Do you own a Snuggie? Yeah, somewhere. Do you listen to any unsigned bands/singers? Who? Yeah, quite a few on YouTube, but my favorite in Jonathan Young. He is SO damn talented. Who is your favorite video game character? Pyramid Head from the Silent Hill franchise. What kind of pictures do you post on Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat most frequently? Mostly of my pets lmao. Have you ever been on vacation with a significant other? No. Have you ever considered “unplugging”/taking a significant period of time away from technology? No. I know I'd never stick to it. Do you prefer to watch a documentary that is about a situation/event or a documentary that is more of a personal character study/biography? The latter. Meerkat Manor comes to mind with that, and everyone knows how much I adore that show. There was also one about rhesus macaques I fell in love with. Basically, I love animal docs, haha. Can you think of a recent time in which you might have been better off resisting, but you did something because you “just couldn’t help yourself”? Probably eating something. When you are getting to know someone, do you tend to worry that the other person will lose interest in you once they get to know the “real” you? Yyyyep. What is something that you would like to do, but really aren’t able to because of your location? (e.g., see art or get a certain job) Man, a lot of things. Photograph meerkats is a biggie. What sort of job do you think is best suited for your skills? Is this an in-demand position or something you’re unlikely to actually get? If I could actually handle the heat and was in good shape to traverse the outdoors, I think I'd be a great wildlife biologist. Even more though, if I could beat my social anxiety, I would ADORE being an animal educator with kids. Do you believe it is the responsibility of businesses, or prominent business leaders (think Bill Gates) to take the lead on social issues whether by using their influence or their money? Saying it's their "responsibility" sounds unfair and puts a lot of weight on their shoulders, but I do feel they should by their own volition and kindness use their position for good, such as through monetary assistance and other things. Have you ever gone to a job interview and realized that you didn’t want the job? Yep. Have you ever asked that someone sacrifice something (a habit, relationship, job, etc.) for you? A habit, yes. Looking back it was stupid as shit. What would you call your body type? Ew. Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? Yes. Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? Considering I spend them with my sister's bigoted, homophobic, and racist in-laws, not especially. I always feel very uncomfortable and disliked among everyone for being the "black sheep" among 'em. Is your vision good? God no. Even with my glasses, it's very poor. I need a new prescription badly. Do both of your parents have jobs? Mom has something of the sort, like she cleans a local church for a small pay, but it's not really a "job." She's still recovering from cancer, getting her strength back up and such before she can handle a consistent job. Dad's had a job for as long as I've lived. What is something you’ve always wanted a boy to do for you? How heteronormative. But whatever. It's so fucking cheesy, but singing a cute song to me while slowdancing sounds so super adorable to me. What food are you craving right now? I am craving something sweet like you wouldn't believe. It's annoying. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yes. Do you have a lot of scars? Yes, but most are very negligible. I just scar extremely easily. Last person you saw other than your family? My primary doctor. Last movie you’ve seen in theaters? The The Lion King remake. Who was the last person you played a video game with? Ummm I think Girt. Last game you played at an arcade? Zero clue. What was your favorite nursery rhyme as a child? I THINK I particularly liked "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider?" None stand out strongly, though. What is your favorite cousin’s first name? I don’t have a favorite cousin. Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? I think with a friend to prevent loneliness, but at the very same time, I see a great beauty in traveling on your own. Just taking new things in, seeing so many different cultures, beautiful scenery... I feel it'd be a great chance for exploration of insight. Remind yourself how small you are, that there's a much, much bigger picture than your own problems, that people are so unique but hopefully share common morals... I see a lot of poetry in it. Do you like the smell of coffee? It's one of my favorite smells. If you have a favorite photographer, can you describe their work? I can't possibly pick. I watch literally hundreds on deviantART, and many of them absolutely blow my mind. What’s one aspect of your life that did not turn out as you expected? My lack of a career. Outside of school, have you ever used a thesaurus? Well, online ones for writing. When you see a good-looking girl in skimpy clothing, what is your initial thought? I envy her confidence, like gotdamn girl. Have you ever been in a lighthouse? No. Are you on a laptop or desktop? A laptop. What color is your shower? White. Where do you order your pizza from? Domino's or Little Caesar's. What was the name of the last dog you pet? We've been calling the dog we're holding right now Zoe. Have you ever had anything stolen from you? Yes. Have you ever seen the White House? I don't think so, but it's possible I have when we've driven up to New York, but from a distance. How about Niagara Falls? No. What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer? I just like regular iceberg lettuce with some bacon bits and ranch. Man, that sounds good right about now. Any posters of a band on your bedroom wall? Yeah, Metallica and Marilyn Manson. Do you think it’d be cool to have your body mummified after you die? No. I couldn't rock the mummy look even if I tried, haha. Can you tell the difference between a Scottish & an Irish accent? Not really, no. Can you read music? I used to be able to. Do you work the night shift? I don’t have a job, but if I did, I absolutely do not want to work the night shift anywhere. Have you ever slept over at your best friend’s house? Yes. Is your mother diabetic? Are you? She is, but I'm not. Would you like to learn how to make ceramic pottery? It'd be cool, sure. Ever sang someone to sleep? No. Who did you last kiss? My cat. Why did you last lie? I don't recall. Probably to just avoid confrontation with Mom. What do you put on your hamburgers? Cheese, ketchup, and mustard, generally. Who do you think cares the most about you? My mom. Have you ever sent a dirty picture? No. What’s at the center of your dining table? Honestly, we sit in there so rarely that I don't even know. I think we might have nothing, actually. Have you ever started a rumor? No. Do you like being outside? If it's cool, yes. What’s your favourite condiment? Maybe ketchup. Or honey mustard. Who sang/played the last song you listened to? Chris Motionless is the singer of Motionless In White. I don't know if that's his real last name, though. Do you like yoga? I used to. Now all the bending and shit would make me dizzy as hell with my "how are you still alive" level of low blood pressure. Do you always carry breath mints? No, but I do carry Tictacs with me, but they're for my dry mouth. It forces you to salivate, so it helps. What do you think your reaction would be upon entering the White House? I don't really know. I honestly don't even know how it looks inside. Thinking about it, I'd probably be more scared than anything, waiting for a bomb to drop or some shit lmao. Have you ever grown your own sea monkeys or dinosaurs? OH MY GOD I LOVED those!!! I definitely did! Have you ever thrown a game controller (or the game) and broke it? No, I've never been the type to do that. If I'm SERIOUSLY getting mad, all I do is tighten my grip. Did you ever own an Etch-a-Sketch? Yes. Do/did you ever have glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling? I believe so. What movie were you really worked up for that ended up disappointing you? My answer is Warcraft, but only because the fucking orcs' voices were so baritone that I couldn't understand them almost ever lmaooo. Like I had a mild idea of what was going on because of the game, but still. What part of a paper is hardest for you to write? The intro, or the conclusion. Both are difficult to me. Like I want to compose a gripping beginning as well as an end that doesn't just repeat everything I've already said and ends on a strong note. Does it bother you that almost everything is done on computers now? No. KFC Chicken: original or extra crispy? I don't like fried chicken. Think about your first kiss. Did you have any idea what you were doing? I mean, I guess? Like I'd seen kisses enough to know how to give someone a peck. It just came naturally. Did you get Happy Meals just for the toys as a kid? Not just for the toy, but it's the main thing I wanted, sure. Have you ever seen your parents cry? If so, how did it make you feel? Seeing my mom cry absolutely destroys me. I don't want her to hurt EVER. Especially if it's seriously unfair bullshit that has her upset, I also get very angry (not at her, of course) and protective. I've seen Dad tear up once, back when he was telling us about his mother's funeral, and I felt immense surprise more than anything. He does NOT cry. How do you feel about animal testing? It's fucking disgusting and barbaric. Find a different goddamn way. Do you add condiments to your ice cream, or just eat it plain? If I'm having vanilla, I'll usually add chocolate syrup. Have you ever witnessed a crime? Yes. What’s the coolest personalized license plate you’ve ever seen? I'm forever gonna get a kick out of this one that just said "omw," haha.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''come as you are'' by nirvana #happy pride y'all <3

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this-lioness · 4 years

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Another bullshit update on life in general

Work has kept me busy, and I’ve been trying to get more done creatively and around the house, as well.

This was the first weekend in awhile I didn’t do any (or much) meal prep, since we had enough in the freezer to last us for all the dinners this week, and even a few lunches for Marc. I made a dozen eggs, cut up and roasted almost 5 lbs of potatoes, and called it a day.

I cancelled the physical therapist, because between work, gym, housekeeping and trying to do something other than being a machine I did not have time for an additional two rounds of exercises every single day. We were getting up at 5 AM, leaving for work at 6:30 AM, leaving work for home at 5 PM, getting home from the gym around 7, then eating for a half hour. It was not going to happen.

We ended up cancelling the gym membership, because -- as much as we want to go -- we are just too tired and hungry after an hour-long commute to be like, “Yay, let’s do something tedious and exhausting for a half hour!”

The long term goal was to cancel the membership anyway, however. I told Marc I want us to concentrate on finishing the sheetrock in the former “cat room” this coming weekend so that we actually use it for its intended purpose, which was exercise. I have that barre I bought last year that I haven’t had time or room to use even once, and the treadmill and hand weights is just sitting and collecting dust. So anyway, that’s the plan for next weekend.

We will also be fostering two cats in the next couple weeks, and trying to find them a home. Long story short we met an artist at one of the galleries downtown, very nice guy, and his friend or nephew or I forget has recently knocked up his girlfriend and decided, “Well, we need to move and get rid of the cats I guess!”

So they’re two year-old sisters, and he wants them to stay together, which is fine. Like Rosie, they actually look very young, like maybe only 5 months old. They have never been to the vet in their life, so no shots, and neither of them are fixed, which means it will be on us to take care of all that before they get adopted out. I’m sure he’s going to be a great Dad [/sarcasm].

When Marc found out that the cats needed a full vet workup, including spay, he was initially resistant due to the cost. I said okay, if you’re not comfortable with it you’re not comfortable with it, and went upstairs to investigate our options. The Walmart just opened up a “Vet IQ” clinic that does basic veterinary care, and we can utilize a local spay clinic for about $50 per cat, so on that end alone we’d be shelling out less than $300 (there’s always food and litter, of course).

After awhile Marc came up and was like, “I think I was a little hasty, I’m sure we can make it work.” After I told him the anticipated costs he was much more into it, so that’s good. Hopefully we won’t have any trouble finding a home for them.

Rosie is doing well at feeding time in her crate! It has not stopped her from being an absolute maniac spaz about food, but there is almost no growling at all while she eats now. She goes in her crate, Marc covers it up with a towel, and she eats with seemingly less hysterical anxiety. I’ll call it a tentative win.

Rosie, by the way, loves Bones. Bones can usually take her or leave her, although his tolerance level is much higher when she’s not acting the spaz, although you see moments of affection for her as well. She greets him with a nice long body rub when they cross paths, and yesterday Marc caught him grooming her head. It does my heart good.

At the risk of jinxing myself, I’ve been doing much better at bowling for the past few weeks! I did decently at league on Friday, and when we went for our Sunday practice I had a series of something like 145, 106 and 140. Considering I was lucky to break 100 a couple months ago I’m feeling very encouraged.

What has worked for me, honestly, is throwing out a lot of convention wisdom. Marc has always been very patient with me, explaining game theory and approach and all that, but no matter how much I tried to put it all together it just wasn’t working. And I was really, really trying.

Then, a few weeks ago, I was chatting with someone about Dyscalculia, and did a bit more casual reading about it. I was reminded that it often causes issues with spatial awareness, something I can absolutely vouch for (I actually suspect it’s part of what’s caused me to have such persistent problems with perspective and anatomy over the years, although that’s a discussion for another time.)

So I started keeping that in mind when we play: I used the techniques that I knew were helpful, but in any aspect where I was supposed to do one thing, but consistently got unexpected and problematic results, I tried to go more by “feel”.

It’s hard to explain why this works, but it has so far. Basically, I had to throw out the notion of bowling at “angles”, and became more of a straight-shooter, keeping in mind that my ball does have a tendency to hook left. I got something like 3 or 4 strikes in one game on Friday!

Which is not to say that I’m suddenly a good bowler, because I’m not, but I’m better, which is what I wanted. What’s annoying is when (admittedly well-meaning) people are like, “Here’s what you’re doing wrong!” and try to teach me about techniques which I already know, but which just don’t work for me.

This happened two weeks ago I think, and I’m sure the lady meant well, but she also was ignoring me when I said multiple fucking times, “I understand, but I have spatial awareness problems, that doesn’t work for me.”

Like, repeating something at me over and over is not going to make it any more true. I hear what you’re saying, you’re just wrong.

So in other news I finished two more of the Mori Girl Cats, and that dumb little werewolf thing that was strictly for my own amusement. (Someone was like, “That would make a great t-shirt,” and haha, I’m not fucking falling for that one again.) I also organized the office / computer area of the Geek Room, we stashed away the last of the convention stuff, and it feels much more clean and open and neat. A place I actually want to hang out, and not anxiously work while avoiding the pile of shit sitting behind me!

Last night I also installed Sims 3 and treated myself to a handful of expansion and “stuff” packs. I only had enough time to create one Sim last night, but I already look forward to giving him a cold.

…*cough*...

Unrelated, but I meant to talk about something that happened last Wednesday, when I was out running my Mom around to her appointments and whatnot.

So… for anyone who didn’t follow me on Facebook or my old Tumblr, the short version is that my Mom and I have a very long and complicated history. She was not a very good mother, she is a textbook covert narcissist. She was an alcoholic for many, many years which caused serious and life-altering problems for me as a teenager and young adult, and after she got sober she transitioned to a prescription drug addiction which further deteriorated our already tenuous and fraught relationship, and landed both her and my stepfather in financial ruin.

About a year and a half ago, to help save them from the road to homelessness, we helped them sell their old house and moved them to Bucks County to live about 10 minutes from us, in a mobile home park. We helped them get it fixed up, we help with maintenance, running errands, etc. It’s a very cute little house, and although it took some time I think they see that now, and that their lives are better off.

When they first moved up here my mother was still on prescription drugs, but she very quickly found that it was impossible to find a new doctor to continue prescribing her the same pharmaceutical cocktails she wanted. And boy did she fucking try. She’s already changed doctors at least three or four times since moving here, whipping out her favorite refrain of “I don’t think this doctor knows what they’re talking about!” every time they’re like, “Yeah, you don’t need to be on a steady stream of opiates.”

Eventually the lack of drugs caught up with her, the withdrawal passed, and for the past year or so she and I have actually gotten along okay. She is still, and always will be, a difficult person, and I worry about whether or not she’ll find a doctor to start filling prescriptions again, but until then things are… okayish.

Anyway, that’s the long back story.

Back when they were still living at their old house, Marc and I would periodically go to visit them. My Mom was always drugged out of her gourd, so I fucking hated going, but I had to do my duty, and she made every excuse imagineable for why she couldn’t come visit us. So once a month we’d pack up, trek over to her house, order take-out, hang out for a while, then go back home again.

Except my Mother would do this thing where, after the food arrived, she would put the plates out, and then she would continue to gather plates and reorganize the kitchen while everyone was sitting down, serving themselves and eating.

Like, the food would be on the table, we’d all be halfway through our meals and well on our way to being done, and my Mom would still be in the kitchen sorting around in the drawers for a mystery spoon or bowl that she needed, then finding it, washing it out, drying it, realizing it was the wrong one, putting it away, etc.

Eventually she would come out while everyone else was finishing up, serve herself a tablespoon of food, eat half, and then talk about how full she was.

For a while we would be like, “Mom… everyone is eating. We have everything we need. We literally don’t need anything else. Just come in and eat,” and she would ignore us. Eventually I just stopped caring, and let her do her thing while the rest of us ate. The sooner we finished the sooner we could leave.

I don’t know how else to describe her behavior apart from manic. Like, when it was time to order, if I asked her for a menu, she would bring me the menu, and for fifteen minutes after I had called to place the order she would still be rooting through the drawers looking for more / other menus. She would get herself so worked up that sometimes while we were sitting downstairs hanging out she’d have to go up and be sick.

All this just to give you a sense of what she used to be like.

Anyway. I’m driving her home from an appointment on Wednesday, and she’s commenting how all of us just naturally turn into their mothers as we get older, even though we don’t want to. In that I stayed dead silent through this observation I think she recognized that I disagreed. So then she moved on to how different some daughters are from their mothers, especially in the kitchen.

And she said to me, “Like when I cook, I have to clean as I go along, I can’t just put everything in the sink until later. Remember when you used to come over to eat, and you’d say to me, ‘Mom, come and eat, the food is ready!’ and I’d be so busy cleaning up that I wouldn’t even realize!”

And I’m like, “....”

Because that’s not what happened. That’s not even fucking remotely what happened. So she has spun the reality where she is an out-of-control manic drug addict and spun it into a funny story about how she’s such a neat freak that she doesn’t realize it’s time to eat.

I was sorely tempted to correct her, but at the last second realized it wouldn’t make a difference either way. She is never going to look back on her behavior with any kind of clarity, and trying to force her to do so would just make the day end on a sour note. If she wants to live in delusion, that’s on her. I can tolerate it, but I’m certainly not going to feed into it by saying something like, “Yes, that’s precisely how it happened.”

She’ll have to learn to interpret the silence on her own.

Anyway, I guess that’s it. Greatly looking forward to getting home and having a nice night on the couch, or maybe playing Sims some more. I may even make some tea.

I hope all of you are doing well <3

#oc #personal #fortysomething #blog

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deadmomjokes · 5 years

Note

Normal Anon Again 1: Your response was great, don't worry about a thing there. I just really feel stuck because Im still with my emotionally abusive family, and so I had to sneak to even see a doctor. I honestly felt like the doctor barely ever heard me at all, so even though she did prescribe an SSRI (not that she said what brand), I'm kind of scared to continue treatment with her. Because I made the notebook with a lot of care, she said I had OCD and did bring it up again later when I

had refuted it and tried to explain the notebook was just something I wanted to be well done for her. She didn't ever look at it either, so she based it off me buying little tabs and labeling them for ease of access and writing my name on the front I guess? I don't have a lot of money, as I don't have a job, and getting a job is the main reason I want to try medication... I basically have to move out by 2020 from my family, both by their desires and mine, so I'm on acrazy deadline to try to get my life together and I feel like I have no time to find someone new if I'm going to be looking to move away when all the apartments are renting. So it feels like if I want to try medication this is my one chance, but I don't feel like I can trust the doctor handling them. I don't know if I should just try to find a way to make my life work out for a couple months or give the medication a shot even though I don't trust the provider...I've got to worry about getting a job this month or being homeless too, which is why it feels so one or the other for my current situation. Thank you so much for all your feedback, sorry if this was a little messy being explained, I'm a bit frazzled yet, haha.

Oh man, I’m SO very sorry for everything you’re going through! You’re dealing with a ton, and this incident with Dr Garbage certainly didn’t help.

One thing that may be a possibility is going to a normal doctor, like a family medicine doc or general practitioner, and talking to them about your anxiety/depression problems. They can also prescribe psych medication, and it might be easier to pass off around your family and/or to find once you move, since a lot of offices partner or have networks that you can just transfer through. Anyone from a Nurse Practitioner to a PhD in general medicine can prescribe meds like an SSRI or even low-level mood stabilizers. (For my recently upped dosage, I went to a PA-C and they consulted with the folks at my obgyn, so I never even saw a psychiatrist. Tho I’m trying to get in with one anyway, but that’s way beside the point.)

I definitely understand you being unable to trust the current provider; she clearly didn’t hear you or take everything (anything?) into account. Anyone who comes to you from an emotionally abusive situation should warrant a ton of follow-up questions and in-depth probing. Even beyond that, just in general, taking stock of all the symptoms and reviewing any identified triggers is going to go a long way toward real diagnosis. Your notebook should have made her job a breeze, instead of her having to pick through your anecdotes of what happens when, she could just look at your notes! You were doing everything right; a therapist’s dream, honestly. I’ve been in therapy for years and I’m still not that good at keeping tabs on my own symptoms and patterns. I’m enraged on your behalf, because when someone comes to you for help you should reach back out to them, not be prescriptivist even if you’re dealing with prescriptions.

If medication is something you’ve been considering for a while, and feel like it might be a good fit for you, it may be worth trying the current prescription even though the current doctor is garbage, since SSRIs are usually the first try medications anyway. But that always comes with risks, because sometimes the first try doesn’t really work out for you or your specific situation. But SSRIs as a category are pretty safe, and are used for anxiety disorders (including panic disorder and generalized anxiety), ptsd, depression, and ocd as well. So chances are even if you found a psych who did their job well (aka not labeling you ocd for being prepared), they were going to land on an SSRI as a first try, too. That definitely doesn’t make it an easy decision, tho. That nagging fear may always be with you if you try it anyway despite not really trusting her diagnosis, and that could add a layer of complexity to deciding whether the medicine is right for you. Especially if you end up needing to switch medication or dosage, having a doctor you trust from the outset is going to be important.

I obviously cannot tell you what to do, nor do I want to, or even think I should if I could, because personal situations are just that--personal. I would only caution that if you’re already having difficulty getting or doing a job without medical assistance (ie medication), that trying it under serious stress for a few months may do more harm than good as far as worsening your difficulties, or causing new ones. However, sometimes we aren’t in the position to make the “best” decision for our health because living takes precedence; I’ve taken plenty of jobs that wrecked my mind and body and I kept them anyway because I absolutely had to. So I’m not going to get on a high horse because I know exactly how hard it is, and the difficult decisions you have to make in order to survive. I’m just so very sorry you are in that position to make such a decision.

If you do decide to try the medication anyway, some tips on kind of “going it alone” since you won’t be able to/won’t want to go back to the original doctor:

Start at a lower dose than the full final dosage. If she didn’t prescribe a “titration” schedule, starting at half dose for a week is a good place to begin.

Understand that things might get worse before they get better. You might have horrible mood swings, really bad depressive days, or bad anxiety spells before you start seeing the true effects. This isn’t indicative of whether the medicine is going to work eventually, but if it becomes too much for you to deal with, you should stop anyway.

Side effects may come and go. Just worth noting.

If possible, have someone close to you who knows that you’re starting this medicine. Obviously not a family member given your situation, but if you have a friend or anyone you do trust in your immediate vicinity, or even a friend you communicate with long-distance, make sure someone knows. That way you have someone to report in to and who can check up on you as you adjust.

Start by taking them with food, even if it doesn’t have a nausea warning. I’d suggest evening meal or soon thereafter, because SSRIs often cause drowsiness at first (great for helping with insomnia tho!).

You’re probably going to have a full month or two before it reaches its peak effect, since this is your first time trying them. You might see some relief right away, but full efficacy takes time as it builds up in your system. If you can tolerate the side effects (or don’t have any), and you’re able to deal with the mood swings or psychiatric effects, stick with it at least 6 weeks.

Listen to that “don’t drive or operate machinery” warning. First-time-medication drowsiness is a special breed that sneaks up on you and also makes you feel WEIRD.

You can also see about filling the prescription and then researching the name on the label before you decide whether or not to take it. Or, if you have an online account with the pharmacy, as with CVS, you can see the name of the drug there, or even call the pharmacy she sent it to and ask them what the name of it was (”for insurance purposes” or “because I forgot which one it was”) and then research it on sites like Mayo Clinic and rxlist.com (don’t do webmd). These websites include lists of what it’s approved to treat, so if you’re fairly certain you actually have anxiety/depression, look for that on the list. Just know that all websites are essentially required to remind you that an SSRI (really any antidepressant or mood stabilizer) could worsen any suicidal thoughts or behaviors, though this is mostly a risk for the 24 and under crowd with emphasis on teenagers. And it doesn’t happen to everyone.

Should you decide not to do the medicine right now because of the doctor who prescribed it, I applaud you for your bravery and strength in facing both your uncertain future and your mental/emotional difficulties without the assistance you feel you need. That’s a hard, hard thing to do, and I wish it wasn’t a choice you had to make.

I’ll be sending good vibes, thoughts, and prayers your way as you’re dealing with so many transitions and difficulties. I know cyber hugs are kind of a dated internetism, and may not mean much, but I give you all the cyber hugs my cyber arms can muster.

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en-chantedx · 6 years

Text

I was tagged by Julianna ( @suttonrichards ) 💓

last (1-5)

drink - water

phone call - telemarketer 😤

text msg - texted daws

song you listened to - she loves control

time you cried - ummm it’s been a while which means i’m dead overdue for a good cry soon

(6-11)

dated someone twice - lmao never

ever kissed someone and regretted it - no

been cheated on - yes but not recently

lost some1 special - no

been depressed - yes

gotten drunk/thrown up - drunk yes threw up from it no

fav colors (12-14)

blush pink, light gray, cobalt blue

in the last yr have you.. (15-21)

made new friends/ mutuals - yes

fallen out of love - no

laughed until you cried - lmao like once a week

found out some1 was talking about you - unfortunately

met some1 who changed you - eh not really

kissed some1 on your FB friends’ list - no

general (22-51)

how many of your FB friends do you know irl - a majority of them

you have any pets - cat and a dog

do you want to change your name - not at the moment but it has crossed my mind before, just feel my last name could be better lmao but i love my dad and his portuguese heritage so i would truly never want to change it because i’m bored

what did you do for your prev. birthday - went to the casino with my best friend, got drunk and gambled and WON whew came home $300 richer 😛

what time did you wake up today - 10:30am

what were you doing @ midnight last night - sitting in bed contemplating if eating ever was /really/ necessary

what is something you can’t wait for - college graduation, hearing back from this production company, REPUTATION STADIUM TOUR LAYTEAS ALL 7 SHOWS UGH MY MIND, moving to LA to study acting/pursue acting, losing 10-15 more lbs

what’re you listening to atm - nothing

have you ever talked to a person named Tom - this is so...specific and tbh i don’t think i’ve ever personally known a Tom.

something that’s getting on your nerves - my weight, scales

most visited site - twitter

hair color - dark brown

long/ short hair - super long

do you have a crush on some1 - no

what do you like abt yourself - lmao

want any piercings - I’ve thought about getting my belly button repierced but i’m not skinny enough to really want to

blood type - O-

nicknames - gabby, gabbie, gabbi, gabs, gab tho i prefer and only really personally use Gabby.

relationship status - single

zodiac - Libra

pronoun(s) - she/her

fav tv/ on-air shows - the vampire diaries, the originals, supernatural, the bold type, alone together, modern family, brooklyn nine nine, how to get away with murder, parks and recreation, the office, american horror story, gilmore girls, gossip girl, new girl, fixer upper, love it or list it, property brothers, dark, black mirror

tattoos? - one, it says fearless in taylors handwriting and it’s on one of my right ribs

rightie or leftie - rightie

ever had surgery - had my tonsils removed just this past May and i’ve had all 4 wisdom teeth removed if that counts lmao

piercings - two ear piercings and i still currently have an opening for a belly button ring but it’s super small so it’s not really worth trying to use, i got it at 16 so i grew and it just ya lmao

sports - ummm i used to play soccer, softball, dance and cheer but now i don’t really do anything lmao

vacation - um well apart from wanting to move to LA i obvs wanna travel there too but outside of that i really want to visit every state and also all of Europe and esp the Azores so i can visit my dads home in Ponta Delgada.

trainers - my broke ass can’t afford one but realistically i should have one, i’m gonna start spin classes soon tho so that’s almost like a trainer

more general (52-58)

eating - currently? lmao air

drinking - again currently? water

i’m about to watch - nothing atm

waiting for - the day i lose 10 more lbs but also like a certain email and for it to be may 12th

want - to be skinny and be successful in acting

get married - yes but i’m still single and i have a hard time trusting guys after my last ex so it’s just hard for me to even make efforts for relationships but maybe one day also like maybe if i didn’t hate myself i night thrive lmao would say i’m a late bloomer but far from it

career - I want to be an actress

which is better (59-65)

hugs/kisses - hugs

lips/eyes - ugh eyes

shorter/taller - taller

older/younger - older but not like more than 10 yrs

nice arms/ stomach - both

hookup/relationship - relationship

troublemaker/hesitant - depends on the situation and how well i know the people

have you ever (66-75)

kissed a stranger - no

drank hard liquor - yes

lost glasses - sunglasses yeah. prescription? rather die they’re too expensive.

turned someone down - yes

sex on 1st date - no

broken a heart - probably

had your heart broken - yes

been arrested - no

cried when some1 died - yes wtf

fallen for a friend - ugh don’t get me started

do you believe in.. (76-81)

yourself - for my career goals and aspirations yes and no, for anything else not really

miracles - yeah

love @ first sight - maybe

santa clause - no lmao

kiss on a 1st date - yeah

angels - yes

other (82-85)

best friend’s name - ok so this is hard to word but my best friend since 6th grade is Rebecca. My online friends who i’ve met taylor with and we go to her shows together but don’t live ANYWHERE near each other are Callie ( @trechreous ), Cari ( @gold-cage ), Paty ( @circusaintlove ), Lotte ( @taylortreasures ). Daws ( @justbecauseyouclean ) falls into this online but met category but we unfortunately are not going to shows together :/ And then completely online, never met but have FTed and shit are Heather ( @wiildest--dreams ), Roni ( @xpolaroidswift )and Katie ( @swiftlycady ). and of course as much as i’d love to say @taylorswift she actually isn’t really my best friend but a girl can dream haha.

eye color - brown

fav movie - ugh i’m horrible at picking favorite movies

fav actor - i don’t really have a fave actor but i guess any of the kids from Stranger Things and It but for actresses probably Nina Dobrev, Emma Stone, and Candice Accola.

ok so idk the rules on tagging so like if anyone i tagged above wants to do it go for it. i’ll tag a few randoms below xx

@sadtragics @longlive-89 @a-blank-space @whit-tay13 @messofadreamr13 @redputation @lifeofswiftie89 @diagon-alli @hashbrownswift @cages-boxes-hunters-foxes @bondings @ninetay89

#whew this was so long #i was bored and havent felt like drying my hair yet so i did this #anyway #back to ur regularly scheduled programming

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littledonkeyburrito · 7 years

Text

tbh I might be hooked on these. I’ll stop when I have something more interesting going on in my life

Do you ever sit with your legs open? Yeah, often

Have you ever been offered drugs on the street? I have been to a nightlife area in Colombia, so yes, several times.

What is one place you have been to and hated? Harvey Bay. Went a couple of times as a kid and it was pretty shit.

Have you ever seen a jellyfish? Many

What’s your favourite kind of soup? Probably pumpkin

Do you ever put bread in your soup? I dip it in, yeah

Is there anything in the USB key slots in your computer/laptop? Mouse

What advertisements are on your screen at the moment? None.

Do you ever get a really itchy nose when you’re unable to scratch it? Yes

Has anyone ever randomly licked your face? Many dogs

When was the last time you bought a book? Fuck even knows. Well over a year ago

Are you upstairs or downstairs at the minute? Uhhh my apartment does not have stairs but it is on the 3rd floor of the building (out of about 8)

Have you ever been asked for directions? Yeah. I remember the first time someone asked me for directions in this city a few weeks after I moved here and I could actually point them in the right direction. I was really proud.

Are there any farm animals near you? In the inner city? Not that I’m aware of.

Are there any lakes near you? No but the ocean is only a few minutes walk away.

Was there ever a time when you felt absolutely terrified? Sure

If so, why? Spiders usually

Have you ever been in your local newspaper? No but half my friends were in the sport section once or twice each because of karate stuff. They never gave a shit about me though.

Have you ever called your mother ma or mammy? Yeah I usually call her Ma or Mamá

Can you imitate any other accent? Eh I’m pretty bad with accents so I don’t try, except kiwi occasionally

What is your funniest memory of the 6th contact in your phone? It’s the number for my old work phone. One time one of my staff members, an old guy, called up on a friday around midday and he was like, “Just thought I’d call up and say have a great weekend.” I didn’t answer right away because I was waiting for him to get to the point and ask the work related question that he surely must have. But no. That was it. He literally only called to say have a good weekend and nothing else. I was like, “uhhh thanks man... you too..?”

Were you ever chased by an animal? Horse. During the period of life that I had a phobia of horses. It sure didn’t help.

Are you single/or taken? Single

Are you happy with that?^ Eh it’s fine

Do you make the first move or do you prefer it the other way around? I prefer it the other way around.

What is the most painful thing you’ve experienced? When I was 15 I got a tooth infection. It started as a toothache so mild I could barely notice it but it just didn’t stop. On day 3 it started really affecting me but the pain had gotten worse so slowly that I assumed it was still the same and that I was just being weak. I remember getting home from karate class and walking into the other room and just bursting out in tears because it hurt so much. Mum realised and pulled me out of school the next day to take me to the dentist. Got antibiotics and prescription painkillers. That night my mum called a 24 hour nurses hotline to ask them how many of the painkillers she could give me without me overdosing because she couldn’t stand to see me cry so much. Those pills barely did anything and I couldn’t sleep properly. I finished the week course of antibiotics and nothing had changed so went back to the dentist and they drilled out my filling, injected antiobiotics into my tooth, put another filling in and doubled the dosage of the pills. In all it was 12 day toothache, but I think about 5-7 days were hell. 5 years later the same tooth (a baby tooth still) got infected again but before it started to hurt I went to the dentist and paid over $500 for them to rip the fucker out of my skull. Dentist also had to drill out a little piece of my jawbone to stop the infection spreading. I never had an adult tooth underneath it so now I have a gap.

Do you hug someone whenever you see them? I'm not a hugger. But if they initiate it I’ll hug them. Usually it’s just my dad.

When was the last time you bled? What happened? Last week I cut my thumb on a beer can

When you look behind you what catches your attention the most? The picture on the wall

Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? No How many true heart breaks have you had in your lifetime? None Who last grabbed your ass? Probably the guy in Panama grabbed my butt at some point but I don’t remember specifically

Do you have any gay family members? Not that I’m aware of Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? Mango. And I keep seeing other people in the street wearing this shirt and being surprised as if it’s not mass produced and sold in at least 7 stores in this city Do you feel like everything is falling apart around you? No Was your first kiss romantic? Uhh I guess it was at the time Do you know anybody whose last name is a color? Half of my last name is a colour What are you most likely to go to jail for? Probs murder. Go big or go home. Do you ever feel like life is going by too fast? Sometimes Who was the last person to sleep over at your house? A guy from Madrid who stayed with me for a weekend Is there someone that always intimidates you? Most likely, but I can’t think of anyone off the top of my head Have you ever liked anyone that was in a relationship with someone else? At some stage, probably Would you ever get a boob job? A reduction is almost a certainty in my future. I got my mum’s genes, so my tiddies ain’t ever gonna stop growing. Did your last relationship end because of you or the other person? I don’t think the time with any of my previous partners could actually be considered a relationship. The last fling ended mutually but damn he was pissed at me. Do you ever ignore texts from some people? No Have you ever tried to break up anyone because YOU liked the guy/girl? No, of course not When is the last time you felt left out? A little towards the end of my trip in central america because I got the feeling that several people in the group didn’t like me. But that was because I’d been lying to their faces for 2 weeks and they pretty much knew it so, y’know, I totally understood. And tbh it was worth it because I was still getting laid ;) When was the last time you flirted with someone? Panama What would you think if you found out your ex was gay? At least one of them is bi. That was fun though because we could bond over cute dudes we saw in public. Would you ever take someone back if you found out they cheated on you? Depends on the situation What does your last text message say? "It's only intense on the news. IRL everything is the same as ever aside from a few protests here and there” (fb message but whatever. I haven’t sent a text in almost a year) What color is your hair right now? Brown Do people ever compliment your eyes? Actually there was this one dude working in a cornerstore in Cartagena. I went in to buy a couple of empanadas before I went to the bus station and asked him which ones were chicken, beef etc. He asked if I spoke spanish and I said yes a little and he said something I didn’t quite get so I asked him to repeat it. He was like (in spanish) “you have beautiful eyes.” I was more surprised than anything because I was expecting him to say, “This one is beef” Do people ever tell you that you’re funny? Sometimes Would you be upset if you caught your boyfriend looking at porn? No How many people has your best friend had sex with? idk. Less than me I think What’s the last song you listened to? No idea. I don’t play music at home usually Who’s the last person that hung up on you? Several people I called from that telemarketing job Four days from now, will you have sex? On wednesday? I doubt it Do you look intimidating? I have been told that I do. What does your second to last text say? The second most recent message sent to me says “that’s what she said amirite” What makes you laugh? Many things. What were you most looking forward to today? Nothing in particular How is your hair? In need of a cut at some point When was the last time you had a conversation with an ex? A few months ago Are you worried about anything right now? Finding a job before I run out of money and have to go back to Australia How do you think tomorrow will be? The same as today Is there a guy who knows everything or almost everything about you? I have a couple of close male friends who know a lot about my life If you could pack your bags right now and were given a plane ticket, where do you go? Costa Rica How far away are you from the person you have feelings for? From spain to costa rica haha Your last ex calls wanting to hangout, what do you say? Well actually I think he is in town this weekend but he made it very clear that he doesn’t want to see me. tbh I don’t really care either way Where were you at 2 this morning? In bed scrolling through facebook on my phone Have you ever kissed anyone who’s name started with a K? I don’t think so Have you accidentally sent a text to the wrong person? Yes and it was me bitching about him. Last time you were TOTALLY happy? When I was travelling. I’m pretty much always happy when I’m travelling. Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? I could but I’m not going to. Is there anything currently hurting on your body? No Ever kissed someone with green eyes? No idea. I don’t pay much attention to eye colour When you are home alone, do you still close the door when you shower? Yes because it keeps the bathroom warm and steamy Are you mad at anyone right now? No Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level? Reasonable level. I don’t like loud music unless I’m trashed at a club. A couple of months ago I was shopping and I walked into this one store and immediately turned around and left because the music was too loud and that’s when I realised I’m an actual adult. Have you held hands with anyone in the past 30 hours? Not unless you count a handshake as briefly holding hands. How often do you sleep in? Every day. I got nothing to do in the morning Will you be in a relationship next month? Doubt it Do you stay up later than ten o’clock on a week night? Yes because I got nothing to do in the morning Who’s the last person you told a secret to? I don’t think many things in my life are actually secret Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Probably not Would you rather have big or small dogs? Medium Will you cry tonight? I don’t really ever cry Do you have respect for people even if you don’t like them? I can, depending on the person What’s one fruit you love in drinks? Lemon Have you ever tried wine? Yeah. I’m not a wine person but I’ve still been drunk off it a couple of times. In your life, do you plan on visiting other countries? Well in the last 3 years I’ve been to 11 countries and I definitely plan on going to plenty more. Is there an ex you want to make up with? Ehh, If I went back to australia I’d probably hit up the ripped guy but not for an actual relationship, just casual.

Does cuddling freak you out? Why would it? How much time do you take to get ready in the morning? about half an hour Do you love where you live? It’s honestly such a cool city. It’d be better if I had friends here to do things with, but I still like it even though I’m alone. Will your next kiss be drunk or sober? Knowing me, probably drunk Do you wear high heels everyday? I haven’t worn anything resembling a heel in about 5 years Are you an aunt or an uncle? No and I think my brother is about as likely to have kids as I am. Mum knows that she’s very unlikely to ever become a grandmother. Were you texting someone right before you fell asleep last night? Yeah, a couple of people Did you have any unread text messages when you woke up today? How many? 3 messages from one guy, and like 50 from a group chat. I woke up every now and then from the vibration of my phone under my pillow and had to mute the notifications for an hour Are you happy? I’m content, I guess Are you an alcoholic? Depends who you ask haha Can you go a day without thinking about the person that’s on your mind now? Not at the moment, no. Could you go the rest of your life without a cigarette? Yes. Does anyone know every little detail about you? There’s a few people that know many details about me What’s one thing you really want right now? More money Who was the last person you took a picture with? Some people from the office. Y’know, the one that I don’t work at anymore Did anything “cute” happen today? No. I haven’t left my apartment Are you wearing shoes right now? No Have you ever just laid outside and looked at the stars? I have. It’s very peaceful outside of the cities. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? No. I was going to get a tattoo a couple of years ago but I couldn’t pin down the tattoo artist because he kept being busy and moving between studios and then I kinda just lost interest. But if I got a tattoo now it would still be that same design Do you smile everyday? Yes Who are you more like, mom or dad? I look more like my dad but my personality and interests are a lot more like my mum. My brother is the exact opposite. Could you date someone shorter than you? I have. But I probably wouldn’t do it again. Where do you wish you were right now? Travelling Have a crazy side? Oh yeah Something you do a lot? Sleep

What is your natural hair color? Brown How many people have you kissed? idk probably 20-something. I have a tendency to make out with people when I’m drunk

Ever kissed someone you weren’t dating at the time? Most of them Ever kissed someone you’d met less than an hour before? Sure have Were any of them in relationships with someone else at the time? Yes but it was a party game and they were both there and cool with it How old was the oldest person you’ve kissed? In their 30s How young was the youngest person you’ve kissed? Maybe 2 years younger than me Ever been kissed by a legal adult when you were a minor (or vise-versa)? No. Ever been walked in on while you were making out with someone? I don’t think so Weirdest place you’ve kissed someone? (geographically, not physically) I don’t think so, nowhere unusual. Just like car, club, empty spare room at a friend’s house Ever kissed someone and had someone else get really mad about it? Not that I recall Ever stopped kissing someone because they had bad breath? No, but I have slightly avoided kissing when I know we both have morning breath Ever not known the name of someone you kissed? Yep Ever kissed someone on a dare/as part of a game? Yep Kissed someone you didn’t really like just to make someone else jealous? No Ever had a really horrible kissing experience? haven’t we all Ever been called a bad kisser? No Ever called someone else a bad kisser? Lmao yes Where’s the most public place you’ve ever made out with someone? Club/in line for a club Where’s the most private place you’ve ever made out with someone? Bedroom I guess Ever thought of someone else while you were kissing someone? Probably Do you usually kiss on the first date? Tbh I’ve normally boned them before they’ve asked me out. I kinda do things in a backwards order. But I see no issue with kissing on the first date anyway.

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chloes-pirate-booty · 7 years

Note

whats been your experience with top surgery? did you like your doc and all

Yeah! Top surgery went well for me! I mean, I would have liked a friendlier doctor - the guy I went to was pretty dull and quiet and was all business so at times I felt kind of uncomfortable with him. But he knew what he was doing. He seemed shady when I asked him to show me pictures of past patients’ results, but I realized that the reason he was hesitant was because almost all of the photo comparisons he had were of patients who had far more complicated chests than mine so it wouldn’t have been an accurate reference for me anyway. A couple of them had previous damage from improper binding so their results didn’t look too good but it was not the doctor’s fault, it was their fault for binding with tape.

So here’s the story of the actual surgery: My surgery was done at around 7:30 AM on October 3rd 2016. I was honestly pretty relaxed going in there. It wasn’t too busy or noisy at the little surgical center I went to (which was connected to a larger hospital) so I didn’t have to lay there on the cot waiting and waiting and waiting to go in. I went in the little curtained room thing, answered some questions, they had me change, the doc marked up my chest, they hooked me up with an IV, sat for a couple minutes, and then they pumped that happy drug in and rolled me through the doors. I remember getting into the surgical room. I was too high off that relaxant at that point to even be bothered by the fact that they’d already started strapping my arms down like Jesus on the cross. I remember looking around and seeing like 20 people which was not what I expected at all. Then I was out like a light. The surgery took about 2 hours, and I woke up high as a kite in the same curtained room. There were two nurses. I remember being so fucking happy looking down at my chest and seeing it bandaged up. I lifted up the lip of the bandages and honestly couldn’t see anything underneath because it was so tight but I knew my chest was flat as a board. Nothing hurt (yet). I didn’t even notice the drains. I was just chilling there all loopy and I kept waving at people when they passed by the open curtains. Pretty sure I asked the same nurse how the surgery went like 10 times. Then my doctor came in and said everything went well and that he did need to put drains in (he told me to plan for them but it was never a promise that I’d need them.)At that point, I was awake enough that they moved me over to a big chair, switched me from the johnny to my flannel shirt + sweatpants, and gave me some water. I wasn’t nauseous, thank god. And I wasn’t loopy anymore either. I could feel the drains now that the hospital-strength pain meds were wearing off.Then I was literally ECSTATIC when I saw my Mom, Dad and (surprise) Grandma coming towards me. (Yes, Grandma was a surprise. I did not know she would be visiting. I guess my Mom and Dad went to hang out with her at her house nearby until I was done, and so she figured she’d come visit.) I was so excited and showing them how flat my chest was even with the bandages on and showing them how weird the drains looked. I’m really chill with my family. They were nervous about me getting the surgery, obviously, but there was definitely a good vibe in the room now that I had made it past the ‘big’ part. My Grandma impulsively bought my family the biggest party tray of cookies I’ve ever seen. After my Grandma left, the nurse showed my parents and I how to empty the drains and measure the drainage. They gave the little drainage chart and a little study guide about how the drains worked. Every 12 hours I would have to empty the fluids from the drains into a little measuring cup [PHOTO - blood warning] Then my parents helped me get my sneakers on and the nurse wheeled me out to the car. I was given my cell phone back at this point, of course, so I spent the whole ride home messaging my friends that I survived, lol. One unusual thing that happened though is that my seatbelt was too tight on the external portion of my right drain. About 5 minutes away from home, my right side started feeling very warm. And then I didn’t note anything of it until we were parked in the driveway and I unbuckled my seatbelt to find a gigantic patch of blood on the bandages. I went into panic mode thinking I broke the drain (I didn’t think something was wrong with my chest because there was no obvious pain). But after figuring out that nothing was actually wrong and that the blood was just unable to travel downwards through the drain (therefore traveling back into the drain port and leaking out from there), I was fine and just mildly pissed off that my ace bandages had a blood stain. [PHOTO] Thankfully, my Mom had foot surgery 3 months before and she had extra ace wraps that I just used instead. Be careful with seatbelts, guys.

So once I was in the house, I basically stayed there for the next 5 days. I was upstairs 24/7 pretty much. The only time I went outside during that time was when my rat Ozzy died 3 days after my surgery and I went with my Dad to bury him in the yard. That fucking sucked. But aside from the dead pet, those 5 recovery days were aesthetic as fuck. Since it was October, I made sure to decorate the shit out of my room while I could still lift my arms. I had Halloween lights up every where [PHOTO], and I had a bunch of Halloween candy to pig out on [PHOTO]. I ate like a fat ass when I was hungry, but I wasn’t very hungry due to to percocet (oxy) that I was prescribed for pain. I actually ended up losing 5 pounds in 5 days due to not eating big meals (plus my high metabolism) even though I certainly ate a lot of cookies, candies, and Frostys (my aunt kept calling me and insisting she come visit and bring me Wendy’s, lol. She’s an occupational therapist and so she was very intrigued by how I was recovering and visited almost every night to talk with me). I’d also bought a new TV a few days before the surgery too. So I had my TV and PS4 set up right in front of my bed so I wasn’t ever lacking entertainment. I watched Breaking Bad during the day and then Bob Ross before going to sleep. The pain meds made me so sleepy so I usually would just pass out watching Bob Ross, haha. I made a habit of it too. 10/10 would recommend passing out while watching Bob Ross. Usually the end credit music would wake me up and remind me to turn the TV off, haha. Also, @xrdpan gave me this very cute little guy as a gift - [PHOTO]And yeah, this is getting a little off topic. But I definitely had a memorable week of recovery. Sometimes I wish I could do it again for another day or two. Cause despite how uncomfortable the drains were and how much weight my scrawny ass lost, I was so relaxed and got to watch a LOT of TV.

So back to post-op care - I was not given a binder after surgery. I had to use the ace bandages while I still had the drains in, and then I was given a prescription for a compression tank top (that i literally had to go to this lingerie store to get) once the drains were out. That was kind of annoying. I had hoped for a decent surgical vest like what most people get, but yeah.

My drains were in for 10 days. They were uncomfortable, but I didn’t have any bleeding complications or any complications at all so they definitely did their job. It didn’t hurt when they came out either. It felt awesome once they were out and I could really get a good look at my chest. The drains caused snake-like lumps all throughout my chest and it looked weird. Drains in - [PHOTO]Drains out - [PHOTO]

And as for sensation, my chest was very numb for about 1 month including the nipples, and then was half-numb for another couple months. But after the 3 month point (which was around the time I didnt have to wear anymore compression), the sensation was coming back on it’s own very well. I’m 7 months post-op now and have all sensation back except for my right nipple which isn’t 100% numb but doesn’t really react to touch. I have a couple small fleshy spots, mainly on the left side, where they almost have too much feeling and are tender if pressed down on. It feels like a muscle thing.

Uhhh so that’s an essay if I ever saw one! Hope you got something useful from it! I’m always down to talk about my experience and make everything more clear and possibly less scary for everyone who’s interested in top surgery. I had a good experience overall! No complications!

Here’s some recent pics if you’re interested!

2 months - [PHOTO]4 months - [PHOTO]6 months - [PHOTO]

#top surgery #ftm #female to male #peri-aereolar #mastectomy #Anonymous

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ellieofmidnight-blog · 7 years

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U THINK U CAN ONE-UP /ME/, NERD???? All nultiples of 4. All of them. Good luck, Ily 😎💗

4: 3 things I love.Pizza, Ian BMoose Mcleod, and anything sweet

8: Sexual orientation?Asexual!

12: What time was I born?Uhhh I wanna say it was like… 1am?

16: Favorite place?Either in bed or in a forest or by the river where I live when I’m at Uni or anywhere where I can climb rocks and shit and nearly fall off and crack my head open???

20: First thing I notice in new person?The way they conduct themselves; eye contact, body language, tone of voice etc.

24: Favorite style of clothing?I’ve been really into Boho stuff recently!

28: Favorite movie?Hot Fuzz!!!

32: Someone I love.Hagakure Yasuhiro I have too many actual people to name o k a y

36: Tattoos and piercing I have.I just have my ears done

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts?I sometimes get “good night” messages from the boi™… He’s sent me like 2 good morning ones, I think… I wish I got more…

44: Have I shaved my legs in the past three days?No…? I last did them on…. Thursday evening

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?I live with my mum and step-dad when I’m not at school!

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?Probably Saturday but I usually go extended periods of time without hugs r i p, my family isn’t very outwardly affectionate so…. that’s probably where my hesitation comes from lmao

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?Uhhhhhhhh everyone on here???

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?B e h i n d. Well… if it’s a group selfie, I prefer to be both. I’m in control of which ones get kept and shared.

64: Do I believe in magic?Sadly not… The analytical scientist in me always tries to figure out how anything works

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?Yes!!!!

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?I actually can!!

76: What do I think Satan’s last name is?Trump

80: What is my favorite word?If I can pick from any language, I’d say 見つけた/Mitsuketa or “I found you/it”. It’s just such a satisfying word to hear and say!

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?Time control! It would be so fucking useful to be able to speed up and stop time whenever I needed to!

88: Bought condoms?Lmao no

92: Kissed a girl?Uhhh…. I don’t think so? Maybe without warning if a drunk friend was being particularly affectionate

96: Bullied someone on the Internet?No! Wtf??

100: Did drugs?Nah, bro. Only those prescription drugs to keep me mentally stable, amirite

104: Been overweight?Nope!

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?Omfg yes

112: Broken a bone?Somehow, no.

116: Fly by helicopter?I have actually! It was… terrifying…

120: Wore make up?Constantly

124: Voted in a presidential election?I’ve voted in our government elections

128: Stalked someone on a social network?….Okay but hasn’t everyone???

132: Been rejected by a crush?I’ve never had the courage so now

136: Was I named after anyone?A book character! I believe it was Elinor from Sense and Sensibility! Except my grandma didn’t let my mum spell it like that lmao

140: Where do I want to live when older?Well, preferably not in England, but I doubt that’s gonna happen… I’d love to live in America, just to be closer to like e v e r y o n e, but I’d like to live in Japan to really be able to learn the language and the culture!

144: Am I afraid of the dark?Nah

148: What I’m really bad at.Remembering important stuff

152: What do I like about myself?Hm.. I like my dark, kinda fucked up, sense of humour lmao

156: If your house was on fire and you had sixty seconds to leave, what would you take with you?LAPTOP, PHONE, DOG, TABLET, LBR I PROBABLY WOULDN’T LEAVE WITHOUT SOME MAKEUP TOO

160: Is it possible to love someone if you don’t love yourself?Yes. Absolutely.

164: Do you judge people for what they wear or how they express themselves?No. I only judge people if they’re a shitty person.

168: Would you rather live a hedonistic life full of good things that make you feel good even if they’re bad for you, or a healthy life centered around treating your body like a sacred temple and watching your health as closely as possible? Or do you not care either way?Okay, listen…………. My life consists of eating bags of cookies and sweets in one sitting and playing video games………… I’ll leave it at that

172: When do you feel truly at peace?At night, like 2am, at my uni house. It’s quiet, my room’s decorated way nicer… Or like early in the morning if I end up waking up.

176: Do you think the world existed before you did?Is…. Is that a serious question..?

180: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?Depends if I can be bothered/have remembered to shut them or not

184: What is your Song of the week?Apple Dot Com - Pinocchio-P feat. Hatsune Miku

188: Last person you kissed/kissed you?My grandpa on sunday

192: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?Oh wow uhhh… I think it was to my mum to tell her about all my issues haha so… about 4 years ago?

196: Are you lazy?Hell yes

200: Do you sing in the shower?No.. I’m always too worried someone will hear me. I do hum though!

204: Favorite type of fruit pie?Apple

208: What was the last concert you saw?I’ve only been to one and that was P!ATD for their Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die tour so.. it was a while back

212: What’s your favorite part about today so far?I guess watching anime? I’ve not really done much else. Oh! Or Ian’s new video! :3c So proud of my boi

216: How do you like your steak cooked?Medium-Well

220: Which friend would you go to in an emergency?Irl, my friend Megan, probably. She’s the most reliable.

224: Would you rather live in the countryside or in the city?City

228: Who is the most intelligent person you know?My old housemate, Josh! He was like an encyclopedia, it was insane

#lilneps #ask #thanks bb <3

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #364

“you wanna know what zeus said to narcissus? / ‘you’d better watch yourself’“

Do you change your type of music regularly? Nah. I've ben all about metal and rock since middle school. Would you want to visit Tokyo, Japan, someday? It's not actually on my bucket list or anything, but I'd do it. Do you curse like a sailor? Sailors are better than I am, aha... Do you hear trains pass by where you live? No. Ever been in a race? Haha, no. Last time you’ve eaten a taco? I hate tacos. Do you like horses? Sure do! Do you like Starburst? omg YES. What is your favourite wild animal? MEERKATS!!!!!! :') Do you like hamsters? They're very cute, but I've never met a nice one. Do you eat bananas? Yeah, I like bananas, but I'm VERY picky with how ripe it is. There's like, barely a two-day span where I'm willing to eat them. What is your favourite bookstore? I don't have one. What is your favorite fast food joint? Sonic. Do you sweat easily? Ugh, you haven't the slightest idea. As a side effect of one (or two?) of my prescriptions, I have I N S A N E hyperhidrosis. I can stand outside for a millisecond in like 70 degree weather and I'm already sweating. If you could move (and SERIOUSLY think about this) where would you move? All factors considered, being entirely realistic, the mountain-y region of western NC. Why would you go there? I want to stay in NC to at least not be a massive ways away from my family, and I loooove mountains. Plus, there's a lot of cool places on the other end of the state. Do you want to travel? Yes. I want to see so much more than this boring 'ole state. What was the last vaccination you got? For Covid. Have there ever been any forest or grass fires in your area? There have been wildfires towards the beach, I believe? Any time it happened we would always get the smoke all the way where we live. Are you Italian? Not to my knowledge. Do you own an acoustic guitar? No. What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately? My physical health. When did you last swallow your beliefs to avoid an argument or confrontation? Recently. Can you roll your own cigarettes? I've never smoked, so. Are you mentally strong? I think so. I hope so. Are you physically strong? I am like, comically weak. Are you heartbroken right now? No. Do you ever get complimented on your eyes? What color are they? It's happened, but it's definitely not a regular thing or whatever. They're grayish blue. What facial feature do you like the best on a person? I'd say I'm most attracted to pretty eyes. What is the weirdest animal you’ve ever held? I helped hold a massive snake as a kid (I don't remember what it was), and I've also held a rose hair tarantula. I can't think of any truly strange animals by my opinion, really. Do you get extremely hyper when under the influence of sugar? No. Sugar seems to have zero effect on me, probably because I'm over-exposed to it thanks to soda... What about caffeine? Not at all, likely for the aforementioned reason. Have you ever tried any drugs? If so, did you regret it? Besides alcohol, no. I don't regret having drank as it was never a lot. Do you have any pregnant friends? A high school acquaintance is pregnant. I THINK she's the only one now? I swear I see a new pregnancy announcement on Facebook like every two days, and mind you I don't even have all that many "friends." That being said, I may definitely be forgetting someone. When ordering food, what do you usually get as a drink? Depending on whether they have Pepsi or Coke products, either Mountain Dew or Coke. When drawing something, do you try to be super precise or do you not care? I am so, so, SO obsessive over getting everything right, but things never come out as good as I want them to/imagine them. Have you actually read Twilight? I haven't. What about Harry Potter? Never read any of those, either. I started one in elementary school, but didn't get very far at all. Out of the two, which is better? I have like no interest in either, so. How often do you read books? It various. I go through like reading episodes, and then I don't read for months. Are you the jealous type? I'm not like, an insanely jealous person, but it's still the worst it's ever been at this point in my life. I hate it. Are you the type of person who gets jealous of people’s pasts? Nah, no reason to. Do you know anyone who faints at the sight of blood? Not blood, I think, but needles and drawing blood, yes. I know my dad's fainted at least once at the doctor, and Jason fainted when I was getting blood drawn at the ER. What colors are the eyes of your family members? Just about everyone has brown eyes but me, I think my maternal grandpa, and my brother. Are you related to anyone with red hair? Not to my knowledge. Were you a chubby baby? No, I was pretty average. What’s something that makes you incredibly nervous? Social situations with strangers especially. Asking for things. Public speaking/presenting. What’s the latest you’ve ever stayed up to finish homework/a project? God, I remember there was this one night in particular where I stayed up SO late, but I don't remember the exact time. I think I actually cried because I was so stressed and tired. How many vegetarians do you know? In my personal life, I don't believe I know any, but I could be wrong. Have you ever had problems falling asleep in class? I never did, even though I was always tired. Have you ever been on the barrier or front row at a concert? No. Favorite episode of Spongebob? The pizza one, probably. Or the Hash Slinging Slasher episode. What bug frightens you most? Wasps, probably. Are your parents supportive of you? Yes. <3 How often do you take the train to go places? I've never been on a train. Have you ever participated in a mock trial, or a real trial? No. Do you own a pocketknife, or any other kind of multi-tool? No. What was the last thing you took a video of? Hm... I honestly don't remember. What’s something that used to really stress you out, but doesn’t anymore? Thunderstorms. Have you ever had famous neighbors? No. Pick your three favourite vegetables. Broccoli, green beans, and uh... I'm blanking... Habitually I wanna say "corn," but I know it's not technically a veggie, but starch. Have you ever broken a movie or game disc? I think I have? What is your favourite type of cookie? Chocolate chip. Can you rap freestyle? Or at least sing raps from songs? Ha, no. Have you ever shared a house with a significant other? Yeah. Do you scream at scary parts in a horror flick? No. I might jump a bit, but not always. What do you spend most of your time doing? Watching YouTube. Do you really care what’s going on in celebrities' lives? More like the YouTubers I watch. Have you ever broken a plate/bowl? Accidentally by dropping them. When was the last time you felt like you didn’t have a care in the world? I couldn't begin to guess. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? No. Can you do a backwards london bridges? God no, I'd bust my back. What smiley do you use the most on the computer? (: maybe. Or :') Are any of your pets “overweight”? No, but why is "overweight" in quotations as if overweight pets aren't a real and serious issue? Has anyone ever bought you a ring? Yeah. On a scale 1-10, how funny are you? I honestly don't think I'm funny at all, so I'd put myself at a 1. Pretty recently though it was very surprising and flattering to have my dad and older sister point out that I'm "hilarious" with my wry sense of humor. I don't see it, but I mean, it was surely appreciated. What’s a song that is overplayed but you still like it anyway? I barely ever listen to the radio, yet I still know "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen is played a lot, but I could never get tired of it. Are you excited for Christmas? Christmastime is my favorite time of year nowadays, mainly because of how excited my niece and nephew always are, and we spend most of Christmas Day and usually Christmas Eve with them. I love the weather, the focus on togetherness, all that. What are you thankful for? Man, a lot. I try my best to never overlook all the truly amazing things I do have, like a loving and supportive family, a home, food and safe water, Internet haha, access to medical care (regardless of the complaints I have about American healthcare)... I've got a lot of bad going on in my life, but I've also got a great amount of good things, too. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on? Internet. What’s your favorite color combination? Maaan, don't do this. I really don't know. Probably two pastels, idk. Do you have any internet friends? I have more Internet friends than I do "real life" ones. What was the last song you listened to? "Deep Six" by Marilyn Manson earlier. How are you feeling right now? My arm is really sore from my second Covid shot, and I'm also having trouble breathing thanks to the dog (apparently, I'm allergic to whatever she is). I know it sounds bad, but I cannot wait 'til she's gone (from this house, no we're of course not euthanizing her). What color is the shirt you’re wearing? Burgundy. Do you play video games? Yeah, just not as much as I used to. Have you ever been to a club and had someone slip something into your drink? I've never been to a club period, and I don't plan on it. Do you know anyone who’s done ecstasy? Not to my knowledge, anyway. Are you on birth control? Yes, but only to regulate and soothe my menstrual cycle. My cramps were insufferable prior. Does your sibling have a significant other? All but my younger sister. Like she's in contact with who she calls "contenders," haha, but she isn't officially dating anyone. She's MEGA picky with who she dates. Have you ever cried at a real wedding? Yes, because it was very triggering to my PTSD. Any idea what you want for your next birthday? That's quiiite a whiles away, so I have plenty of time to think about that. I don't know if I'll be employed by then and thus able to buy some things myself, but I'll just say I won't be (because I'm I think rationally fearful that's where I'll still be). For Christmas I plan on just asking for a new terrarium for Venus plus better materials for it (like a proper temp gauge and hygrometer, etc.), and with that taken care of, then I might be interested in asking for a hognose for my bday, but idk. I'd want to ensure (s)he starts out with a perfect terrarium, and seeing as I want a hoggie morph, that's a lot of money in one go that idk if I'd be comfortable asking. So I'unno, maybe I'll go for a tattoo again. Wow, this was a lot of rambling for something so far off, pardon me haha. Are there any gadgets of yours that need charging right now? My Nintendo DS Lite, actually. I can't find the darn charger for it, and I really need to so I can bring it to Ashley's again for the kids to play the Pokemon game I have that they love. Aubree especially is really into it, and she adores Pikachu and Eevee. :') Which awards show would you wanna go to the most (e.g Oscars, Grammys etc.)? I don't even know what most award shows are for, if I'm being honest. I'm not really interested. What colour is your keyboard? Black, but each key glows red. Have you ever been called a skank/slut because of the way you dress? No. Are you a fan of acrylic nails? Not for myself; I think they'd drive me insane. I do, however, think they look nice on others.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''deep six'' by marilyn manson

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aymacarina-blog · 7 years

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Fast forward a couple months and here I am. Keep leaving this blog hanging, but truthfully, it took me quite a while to reach a mindset where I felt comfortable and confident enough to dedicate myself to something. I’ve finished my first quarter at University as a transfer student, and let me tell you, it’s definitely not an easy transition. I’ve heard it was hard and I let so much get to me mentally that I was pretty susceptible to being so easily affected and anxious about everything. Money, deadlines, workload, getting to and from school using the vanpool, emails, opportunities, my own mental health. So much proposed itself as a challenge, and all things were anxiety-inducing to a point where I pretty much wasn’t myself anymore.

Things got to a point where I pretty much cried every night. So much was different. I saw no familiar faces, had no contact with anyone I knew who attended the same uni, struggled with keeping my mind quite. Every morning started with the end of a nightmare. I hated so much and felt I couldn’t deal with things at some points. Every day was a struggle, every week was daunting. I only looked ahead and never kept my cool in the present. There were no pleasant dreams, only nightmares about school: getting there, making it on time, being late, forgetting assignments, getting less than an A on assignments, showing up on a day I didn’t have classes; waking up to thoughts of my future: failure, a useless degree, no job, no money, judgments, group interviews.

Fear and anxiety about the future was pretty much a motif in my life for months and those months were filled with self-doubt, perceived hatred of my life, depression, daily anxiety attacks, tears day and night, and worst of all... loneliness. I never imagined I’d be living with so much negativity being such a heavy constant in my life and it was definitely a daily struggle. I used to be so care-free, not worry about my future because things always sort themselves out, laid-back and full of positivity. I don't know what it was but the whole quarter was just a downward spiral in a sea of expectations. On the inside, I knew I had nothing to worry about because I’m a good student (got A’s as usual) but looking deeper, it was hard not to compare and even harder not to worry about everything. I’d never been one to worry, but this transition changed me as a person for a few months.

Although I usually have my pre-semester/quarter anxiety and nightmares, but it never extends more than a week into the session. I tried blaming it on a stronger dosage of this one prescription, but even when the dosage lowered after I expressed my troubles to my doctor, it continued...

Once I hit winter break, I felt freedom. I got to see my sister daily again and my high school and community college pals were free and back in town and I got to see them all again. I got to spend time to myself, I got to be busy with plans and I got to explore around and it was all so nostalgic.

Only recently have I started feeling myself again. I’ve relearned how to live, relearned who I was and for a moment, got to live in the present without worry. And I’m sure I will miss this when school starts up again soon, but I can assure you, I’ll be well aware, as this break has shown me, that things will be fine and I’ll get to be surrounded with friends and people who love me again. I’m assured that loneliness is not forever and often perceived in the moment. I had to just take a step back and breathe.

Glad to say I’m back and feeling confident about my near-future. Hopefully, I don’t have any long-term worries anymore because that’s just who I am. I need not surround myself with people who vocally worry about their futures in detail because that will only bring me down and back into the pit I finally go myself out of. I can certainly say, my first quarter at University was the worst part of my whole life up to this point, and trust me, there is no exaggeration going on here. I hated the school even before I stared classes, and after my last final for the quarter, I finally thought to myself, “I guess it’s not that bad.” So, technically I can’t say I even remotely like attending my university, it’s just one tiny step below hating it now. (It should be mentioned, it takes an immense amount of disliking on my part to hate something, and this is only the second thing I’ve found myself actually using the word ‘hate’ to legitimately describe. That includes all nouns... so, trust me when I say it was the worst part of my life thus far, despite my usual optimistic personality... I’m telling you, I was definitely not myself this quarter.)

So, I suppose I’ll end it here for today. This is what I’ve been through since my last few posts and now I’m looking forward to comfortably take on my next quarter. Four classes two, days a week, 18 units, and in search of a job because I’ve left my poor paying job. It got me by, but it’s something I certainly wasn’t enjoying and it wasn’t anywhere near the atmosphere I’m looking for in a job. Though I do give it props for teaching me the ropes of being a barista.

Here to a New Year, better me, and a good ol’ time. Hell yeah!

Carina, out~

P.S. I need to finish season 2 of Rick and Morty quick before the new season. Also need to finish LoZ: OoT before my friend heads back to Santa Cruz (been working on this game for years... need to return it to the dude who loaned it to me 3 years ago, poor guy haha). Tl;dr: ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!

#rant #update #transfer #transfer student #university #life #trying to deal #blog #motivational blog #finding yourself #4 #aymacarina #new year

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rosawayneisawesome · 4 years

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Riposte: Answers to the questions from Babeworld

We were SO happy with the answers to the questions. They were so insightful and beautiful – exactly what we wanted. What made them even more lovely is that neither knew what the other was writing, so it gave us a sense of intimacy and insight into how they each viewed their friendship as individuals. There were also really beautiful moments where they both describe the same event, such as moving in with each other, yet from their own perspective which creates such an interesting narrative.

Georgina’s Answers

Alright lids

I tried my very very best to hand write my answers but I have acrylic nails and joined up writing. It was hard! And I kept misspelling everything which I guess could be like hehe how authentic and cute but I deno i dont even have dyslexia I just make up spellings cos I know my iPhone will correct me. I can handwrite like a few sentences here and there cos I do like the aesthetic and my handwriting is kinda cute ngl.

Anyway

What about Ashleigh makes you feel joy?

Her tenacity.

How do you think Ashleigh has changed you as a person?

Ashleigh's effect on my personal growth as boring as it may sound has been in like, practical ways. Like teaching me where to apply for mental health help, showing how to access benefits (actually she did the whole form for me) and like taking me to my first AA meeting and holding my hand. With patience and just overall validating my addictions and illnesses she’s given me the tools to make positive changes in my life. Before we met I hadn’t really had many successful friendships having one year expiration date on close relationships before they begin to break down or require distance because I’m so mentally messed up (plot twist-ours became the latter). Relationships are tough, yeno?

What’s one of your favourite memories of Ashleigh?

This is tough because what may be surprising to people is that we’ve only known each other like a couple of years maybe less (I’m terrible with numbers so this could be a lie) but like in the grand scheme of things it’s been brief. And within that time we’ve had so many life altering experiences and relationships and artistic opportunities and traumas and episodes and living situations and laughs. So much happens. I think probably being able to watch her achieve things like a first in her degree, a place at RCA etc where we can cry happy tears at the sight of personal and professional growth.

Has your relationship evolved since you first met?

Definitely. In the beginning I feel like we thrived in codependency spending every waking moment together and sharing a bed. There was comfort in this new found friendship where there was a natural give and take. We wanted to help each other excel emotionally and academically and creatively- seeing each others potential. We were also in between turning points. For Ashleigh it was education and for me it was work. Now our relationship has grown up and matured. I’m content in that our life events won’t always align and it’s okay to explore things as individuals whilst never failing to come back together and return to that sister-like dynamic that is always there.

What were your first impressions of Ashleigh?

First impressions were weird because I was looking for a room in a houseshare where the deposit wasn't crazy and they allowed cats. I was in desperation mode and looking to impress haha. Ashleigh was my point of contact and her facebook pictures presented a mysterious and arty character. I was intimidated by her honestly. I thought she was too cool for me. Cool and well liked, seemingly without trying, and I was shy.

If you could take an attribute from Ashleigh and swap it with one of your own what would it be?

Definitely her admin skills. Anything that requires like problem solving and logic. She’s a pure wiz at adobe, can make a spreadsheet, will keep on top of emails and is productive 12 hours a day. That kind of like natural incentive to work and organise myself and others is something I was not born with. And this extends into her personal life- she has successful interpersonal relationships and life long friends and I truly believe it’s down to her ability of knowing how to compartmentalise everything as well as being a good friend/daughter/girlfriend. Me? I’d lose a friend down the side of a couch or leave my two years late smear test at the back of a bus.

If you could sing a karaoke duet with Ashleigh, what song would you choose?

Break Up Bye Bye by the Frock Destroyers to live out our cock destroyers fantasy

What is your favourite way to spend time with Ashleigh?

As nice as meetings at big institutions, hosting lectures and performing at events are- we can’t wait to get home for a maccies *ashleigh’s apple music recently played playlist plays softly in the background* discussing ideas, stories, aspirations and discourse.

What is Ashleighs hidden talent?

It is her creativity. She credits everyone’s influence but often can’t acknowledge the independent creativity that lies within her. Within art institutions it’s easy to feel boxed off as a practical person or a conceptual thinker- it’s always logic versus creativity and sometimes we aren’t allowed to believe they can overlap. Her hidden talent is her artistic talent. Hidden from her by herself and hidden from her by the people that are supposed to shine a light on it.

Describe Ashleigh in three words

Tall, Traumatized, Gay

Ashleigh’s Answers

What’s the best thing about being friends with Georgina?

It’s rare to find a friend who you can admit your wrong-doings to and not be judged. It’s also rare to find a friend who helps you use these wrong-doings to become a better person: G is that friend.

Describe Georgina in three words

Trauma, poor and under rated.

What were your first impressions of Georgina?

This girl needs help. Nah I’m joking to be honest the first time we met it was in a weird situation - she was coming around to try and find a house for her and her son (cat) and i wanted to help a fellow poor girlTM in need so she moved straight in. She seemed standoffish and cold, but later i realised she was just overworked and underpaid. She grew on me like a weird rash, I'm pretty sure I did the same to her.

Has your relationship with Georgina evolved since you first met?

Meeting G went from us both being like “who is this bitch.” to “she’s my bitch”. From then on she’s become my art wife, best friend, carer and collaborator, and I would probably have to throw myself off a cliff if she were to cut ties. I think i see so much of myself in her, she’s become of the people i do look up to the most- in a healthy way i promise!!

what’s one of your favourite memories of Georgina?

I think when we landed our first commission and i told her and we both sat and were like ‘we got this. we can do this” emphasis on the we. Being estranged from your family and feeling no one understands you is so isolating, so to feel part of a community, even if it’s just two of you, was such a big moment for me.

how do you think Georgina has change you as a person?

Before i met Georgina I was ashamed to admit i grew up on a council block, ate pasta and sauce and wore primark trackies. She’s basically helped me embrace my authentic self (ew cringe) - but for real! Since meeting G i’ve become more politically engaged, able to express my blackness and owned my disability. She’s taught me to be unapologetically me, and for that I am forever grateful. Babeworld wouldn’t exist without her, she showed me that being an artist doesn’t have to be this firm set of middle class ideals- but rather a safe space for me to express and vocalise my feelings. She constantly uses her privilege (particularly of being white and non disabled) to stand up for me, educate others and give me the support i need to do it for myself also. I’ll come in all guns blazing if you try and be ableist to me now, and I have G to thank for that.

what about Georgina makes you feel joy?

It’s so important to have that one friend who you can just fully vent to. She is a born listener, and a born learner. She takes it upon herself to continue to educate herself about marginalised groups and find ways to support them. the world would be a better place if we had more Georginas.

what’s your favourite way to spend time with Georgina?

I would say a codeine-binge but I don’t want to glamourise prescription drugs taking so: A three course maccies with the footy on sitting nowhere near each other because we have bodily contact. The occasional awkward eye contact as we reach for the last crisp.

what is Georgina‘s hidden talent?

I’d tell you but it’s a trade secret.

if you could take an attribute from Georgina and swap it with one of your own what would it be?

Confidence. I have a weird overconfidence which i wish i could slice in half and give to her because tbh, mines excessive and hers is massively lacking. Someone who actually has as much talent as her deserves to snap her fingers like a princess.

if you could sing at karaoke duet with Georgina what song would you choose?

You don’t want me to sing trust me. Think dying cat meets teenagers during the voice breaking phase of pubity. But if you really want to hurt yourself like that it would HAVE to be The Best- Giggs. It features a scouse rapper and that accent sends me sideways.

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nolimitsongrace · 5 years

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Resist the Devil With Joy

Is good health as easy as doing jumping jacks while watching a comedy? Science finally caught up with the Bible, revealing these surprising health benefits of laughter for your spirit, soul and body.

READING TIME: 7 MINUTES

When was the last time you had a really good laugh? Not just a small chuckle or a controlled and proper “haha” on the phone, but an all-out, ab-tensing, snort-inducing, sigh-following belly laugh?

Life can be serious sometimes. Bills, health or family concerns, and stressors from work don’t exactly induce roaring laughter. But just like exercise, laughter is incredibly good for your health and, more importantly, it’s a decision.

The Bible tells us, and now science confirms it—a merry heart does good like medicine—spirit, soul and body (Proverbs 17:22). Kenneth Copeland recently sat down with renowned neurosurgeon Dr. Avery Jackson, for a powerful discussion about the effects of laughter on the health of your spirit, soul and body. Dr. Jackson shared how recent research proves that laughter, in conjunction with exercise, will repair your body far beyond anything you can do in the natural.

God’s prescription for health? It includes laughter!

Dr. Jackson says, “God built in mechanisms to heal our imperfect, earthly bodies. Laughter is one of them.”

The good news is that you can make a decision to laugh every day, and as you do, you will rake in these five surprising health benefits of laughter for your spirit, soul and body.

1. Laughter Increases Blood Flow

Maybe you didn’t realize it, but the last time you had a really good laugh—perhaps at a good friend’s joke, a funny television show, or one of those cat videos on YouTube®—you were getting healthier!

Dr. Jackson says that laughter improves your blood flow, which in turn reduces your stress hormones, lowers your blood pressure and activates your immune system. That’s why Proverbs 17:22 (NKJV) says, “A merry heart does good, like medicine.”

This is critical because, according to Dr. Jackson, poor blood flow is the root cause of many diseases. It increases inflammation, which Dr. Don Colbert confirms is the root cause of all major diseases.

Exercise is also a key element in ensuring healthy blood flow. That’s key for people who work sitting or standing for six to eight hours each day. When you exercise and laugh, you are increasing blood flow to the brain—facilitating God’s healing mechanism and preventing disease. It can also repair or prevent neurodegenerative disorders like Parkinson’s disease and Alzheimer’s. We were made to move and be joyful!

Young children, on average, have 300 good belly laughs each day. A typical adult, on the other hand, only experiences 10 per week! Of course, adults have much more to think about and a great deal more responsibility, but the health benefits of laughter are too great to ignore.

Laughter is so important to your health and blood flow, you even get benefits if it’s a put-on laugh. That’s why Dr. Jackson forces himself to laugh many times throughout the day—even if he doesn’t feel like it.

He says, “If you start laughing, even when you don’t want to, it won’t be long until you’re laughing out loud at how funny you sound.”

While both sincere and fake laughter have amazing health benefits, what is even more impressive is how much your body benefits just from anticipating laughter. Studies show that stress hormones like adrenaline and epinephrine drop 70% just from anticipating a good laugh, while mood-elevating hormones called endorphins get a boost.

If you want to live in divine health—spirit, soul, and body—get your body moving and get your daily belly laughs!

Ready for a good laugh? Find a DVD set of Jesse Duplantis’ hilarious stories on life and faith HERE.

2. Laughter Reduces Pain

Hand in hand with blood flow is the issue of pain. There is an opioid epidemic in this nation because people are seeking relief from pain, then being given highly addictive prescription painkillers. But God has a better way.

Though pain relief is often necessary, God has His own prescription for pain. Exercise—which acts as a natural painkiller—and laughter. Both work in the same way as a prescription or over-the-counter painkiller in the way they chemically affect the cell receptors in your brain and body. That’s God’s amazing design!

According to Dr. Jackson, God made the naturally occurring hormone dopamine to relieve pain. We can increase our dopamine levels through both exercise and laughter, and reduce pain naturally. An article in the New England Medical Journal found that 10 minutes of belly laughter relieved pain for up to two hours!

It can be the opposite of what you feel like doing when you’re in pain, but if you focus on getting yourself to exercise or laugh, in combination with speaking the Word of God and standing on His Word for healing, you can take control over what may seem like an out-of-control situation.

This truth changed the life of a man who had been sent home with a terminal condition. He knew the Bible says a merry heart does good, like medicine. He determined that he needed to get some laughter in his life. So, he spent hours every day watching episodes of I Love Lucy, laughing and laughing and laughing. That man recovered!

Yes, standing on the Word of God for healing is first and foremost, but adding exercise and laughter to your routine is clearly beneficial.

3. Laughter Prevents Disease

The benefits of laughter don’t stop at simply reducing pain—a good chuckle can prevent disease, too!

You have an assignment on this earth and staying in good health is part of God’s plan for your life. One way to accomplish this?

Find the funny in life!

Research has found laughter can improve your health and prevent disease by:

Lowering blood pressure

Releasing muscle tension

Increasing feel-good hormones (dopamine, endorphins)

Decreasing stress hormones

Boosting the immune system

Burning calories, and

Giving an overall sense of well-being.

Also, laughter has been found to reduce tumors, increase the effectiveness of cancer treatments, and lengthen the lives of cancer patients.

That is quite a list of benefits for something so fun!

Ready to get healthy? Find 5 Ways to Live in Divine Health HERE.

It’s easy to see why the joy of the Lord is not just the strength of your spirit, it’s the strength of your mind and body, too. The Bible tells us to “count it all joy” (James 1:2, NKJV) in every circumstance for our own physical, mental and spiritual protection.

As you may have guessed, laughing once in a while isn’t going to cut it. You’ve got to make laughter a regular part of your life—just like exercise.

How can you get your daily laughter in?

In his book, The God Prescription, Dr. Avery Jackson prescribes the following:

Laugh, even when you don’t feel like it.

Watch or listen to shows by comedians who do not use obscenities, like The Carol Burnett Show or Christian comedian Tim Hawkins.

Read comics in the newspaper.

Watch funny videos on YouTube®, such as the eTrade babies or videos showing the hilarious antics of children and animals.

For more groundbreaking information and practical lifestyle tips, order your copy of Dr. Jackson’s new book, The God Prescription, HERE.

Start making laughter a part of your daily life and laugh your way to health!

4. Laughter Improves Emotional Health

While laughter is effective at preventing disease, it also reduces stress, which is a major player among the causes of disease. Research has found that emotional health is strongly connected to physical health because, as Dr. Jackson explains, “Emotional issues affect how we see the world, which will, in turn, impact our bodies and emotions.”

Part of our emotional health comes from how we process past circumstances. Dr. Jackson says when one experiences emotional trauma as a child, it often leads to chronic pain and depression in adulthood because there is a direct correlation between what happened to that person and how he or she perceives the world as an adult.

Without the help of the Lord, those traumas can cause people to see things flipped around and not in the light of the truth of God’s Word. The only way to make all things new and move into emotional health is through the Lord Jesus Christ. His joy is our strength, and it, along with the other fruit of the spirit, is imparted to us when we become born again.

Joy is a big part of pushing the reset button on emotional trauma. But you have to operate it by faith.

One way to do so is through laughter.

When you choose to laugh, you choose the joy of the Lord, and that decision positively affects your spirit, soul and body. It’s who you are really meant to be in Christ.

Laughter is a factor of emotional healing. Whenever you start to feel sad, despondent or depressed, make yourself laugh. Remember, your body doesn’t know whether you are laughing spontaneously or are forcing yourself to laugh. The benefit is the same either way!

Dr. Jackson recommends combining laughter with physical and spiritual exercise. He likes to dance in the spirit or pray in the spirit while doing other physical exercises. Then, he works to get in as many belly laughs each day as possible. “When you do,” he says, “you obey God by making Him your joy and refusing to take on the stress of the world.”

Find 25 Scriptures About Joy and Laughter HERE.

5. Laughter Strengthens Your Spirit

Dr. Avery Jackson’s research on laughter, as well as Kenneth Hagin’s revelation on laughing at the devil, has inspired Kenneth Copeland to teach others the importance of laughter in strengthening your spirit. If you’ve attended a KCM event or heard Kenneth speak, you’ve likely enjoyed the benefit of his leading a group laugh session!

Watch one here:

Nehemiah 8:10 says the joy of the Lord is our strength—spirit, soul and body. Dr. Jackson adds, “There is an anointing that comes from joy that strengthens you when there is no strength.”

Laughing from an overflow of joy in the Spirit has tremendous spiritual benefit. When you laugh, you defy the devil’s ability to bring sadness, fear or despair into your life. You laugh at his lack of authority. Instead of dreading the future, you will “laugh at the days to come” (Proverbs 31:25).

Dr. Jackson says, “The best source of laughter is overflowing joy that comes from an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ.”

Kenneth E. Hagin knew this truth and once used it to laugh at the devil until his heart symptoms disappeared. One night, he was experiencing heart symptoms, and up out of his spirit came laughter. As he laughed, the devil asked, “What are you laughing at?”

Brother Hagin said, “I’m laughing at you because you said I’d never get my healing.”

He kept laughing by faith until he laughed those symptoms right out of his body. That’s the joy of the Lord and the power of laughter to strengthen your spirit!

Kenneth Copeland says, “The Bible says the Lord sits in the heavens and laughs at the devil (Psalm 2:4). So go ahead, laugh. God is. We should, too. But do it expecting until your financial enemies, family’s enemies or physical enemies are made your footstool.”

These five surprising benefits of laughter are worth laughing about! The best part? Laughter is free, easy, fun and without side effects. Take the Bible’s advice and spend time developing a merry heart. Find things that make you laugh and include them in your everyday life. You can laugh yourself healthy—spirit, soul and body!

25 Scriptures About Joy and Laughter

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weholyperfectioncollectorme-blog · 6 years

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