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good afternoon besties
#so mad at myself#my sleep schedule is in shambles#im just now starting the day fr#n i feel like shit#after my xray my dr said i cant push it#so im trying to be okay w resting#imma take an eddie#and see where the day takes me#i want to play sims but#im stuck in a rut soooo badly#*long negro sigh*#anyways ily besties#hows ur day going#k's words#rant in tags#as usual
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For everyone who wanted bullfighter Nando when I mentioned it the other day, here you go :D
+ this one I don't feel like coloring yet(imagine he's in Ferrari colors!!!)
#did you know bullfighters dedicate their kill to a friend or member of the public by giving them their hat?#i really wanted to draw silly vettonso where fernando offers seb his hat#seb retires from bullfighting(yeah its an au now) and fernando in his green costume is like;#'here is my hat. now will you come back from retirement? 🥺'#but yeah feel very abnormal abt that ^ and also the thing abt them having someone who helps them get into their costume as a sacred ritual#theres just a lot of thoughts and ideas floating around in my head bcs of it#anyways i liked drawing this but it was very suffering too and took me like 5 hours#its like. you see the intricate embroidery and im like ah! omg! i love painting details!!!#and then remember im not the best w coming up with ideas for the embroidery pattern itself#so pls bear with me 😭😭 mainly i was trying to reference the diamond logo of renault#but most of it kinda just ended up being austrian knots i guess bcs thats what my mind defaults to#i thought the shoulder pad would be the most difficult but that came together the easiest and made the rest actually work in my head#aaahhh also im surprised w the angle of his face! im usually not good at side profiles as well as tilted down heads#but i think he looks pretty good honestly???#also w the sketch i just wanted to post it bcs i liked his face okay 😭😭😭#i wanted to paint it too but I realized im so naive thinking i could paint two of these horrifically detailed things in one session#but his face 🥹🥹 i like it!!! theres some renault era pic of him i really like where hes sun drenched and angry looking#^ and i think i captured the vibe well so!!!!!#well anyways mayhe ill draw more of this. it was fun but also like sucked my life force out bcs it kept going from easy to 'I CANT DO THIS'#the pictures of matadors are just...insane to me. tiny waist fat ass flamboyant costume. im dead 🫠#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#catie.art.#fa14#matador au
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devil marbly carbly ft me trying to figure out how to draw all of them in real time
(the dubstep weed jacking off shirt is from a meme i would source if i uh. remembered it sorry </3)
#there's a lot of little gags i'd recommend zooming in#also it's so weird how the first two dantes look Nothing like the rest of these pages. call it a warmup ig#also nero fuck you.mp4 i spent like 40 minutes trying to figure out how to draw dmc5 nero#my dmc4 nero didn't look That much like him but i was drowning with dmc5 nero trust me#anyway i had to draw some more dante on the last page bc even though he got a whole page most of it was like. bleh#for the sake of figuring out how to draw him not bleh. so i needed to draw him not bleh. :p#dmc#devil may cry#dante sparda#nero sparda#vergil sparda#eva sparda#nico dmc#lady dmc#trish dmc#v dmc#dmc5#dmc4#dmc3#pls excuse the shit lighting i am. figjting for my very life against directional lighting okay#this contains a lot of the little thoughts i had about dmcs 3-5 that i never posted about so. enjoy <3#skrunkart#a little nero x kyrie. as a treat#does kyrie have much going on as a character? no. do i think they're cute anyway? yes#i took the most liberties w trish and im pretty sure it's bc i was tired more than anything#these adhere pretty strongly to their game designs. in time i'll add details that make em mine#but this is a study (hence all the notes)#also this ended off a sketchbook ive spent like 1.5 yrs on (which is unprecedentedly long for me like it's Crazy it took that long)#so hoorayy
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Wait omg..... Jessica Cruz probably did rifle... my specialized sports knowledge coming in CLUTCH
Okay so I barely practiced and made it to regionals like once so im NOT the expert here but uh headcanoning that Jess did air rifle when she was a teen. Like idk if it would be as part of a team like with a high school (what I'm familiar with) vs like an individual thing vs like a travel/competitive team (it depends on the sitch in her area growing up) but she definitely went to some national matches (probably including JOs/JO quals like i think she was GOOD). I think she probably would have quit competitively following a bad shot at nationals (relatable) along with anxiety about competition (ALSO relatable) but still kept up with shooting casually for fun and relaxation and to hang out with friends etc.
She definitely would have shot smallbore competitively too but I never did that bc I was lazy so idk to much abt it competitively
#and by bad shot i mean a 0#it hurts me to even think abt doing that during a match actually esp at fucking JOs#a girl on my team did that and im sure it was devastating (we never let her live it down after too) but like dang. i feel that pain#im just saying she would vibe sooooooo hard with rifle. like canonically they just said she did it but im talking air in particular#also in the panel they said six which first off. humphries bro thats TOO young ik youre trying to be impressive but youre talking abt rifle#here. if someones let their kid have a gun at 6 theres actually smth wrong with them. and not even a bb or smth wtf#ANYWAYS you guys haveeeee to understand this. jess would go so hard for rifle she would fit right in w every competitive shooter ive ever#met istg-#she would be out there on the porch 35° weather in full gear mid match crying w the rest of us it would be great#wait wait shoutout to the time i had to get smth from my car and there were like 4 ppl out there crying during the middle of standing#like i literally FEEL THAT SO HARD (weve all been there) but also like... awkwarddddddd#4 is an unusually large amount though. normally its like 2 ppl at a time first relay. with more 1st relay ppl crying after than during#gosh rifle omg this is making me miss it#<<<<freshman/sophomore me would kill me for saying this btw. i HATED practicing so bad then omg#OH and Jess would be a kneeling girlie. fave position. why ? bc i said so shut up#no but bc its my favorite position (yes i know its the worst okay. im aware of all the reasons kneelings sucks and why everyone hates it.#but you know what? kneeling hates everyone equally and i respect that) no but uh yeah ✌️✌️✌️✌️#top 10 posts that are 80% jargon and only i care about 😘#anyways this is canon to me now actually#like idc what you say she was down in the trenches (the range) w the rest of us#also ik she almost certainly would have shot paper but in my mind she practices mainly w electronic bc thats what i used (even if its super#uncommon and is only used at the nice ranges) if she was super competitive she would probably have driven to shoot electronic. lets just say#there was a paper nearby and an electronic scoring range a bit farther or smth#anyways yeah#WAIT OMG SHE DEFINITELY MET HER FRIENDS FROM HER BACKSTORY THROUGH RIFLE#and the dating drama too omg rifle drama was INSANE. like i was almost always out of the loop bc i never practiced and didnt have snapchat#but like the drama was INSANE. fucking wild. at least to my nerdy ass self. so her relationship drama makes total sense now okay babe fr#jessica cruz#blah
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them
#double meaning on that but. yeah.#it's like. i haven't touched the imaging software i use for an entire year. soldering iron in decades. pick it right back up. to my surpris#muscle memory is crazy#i don't draw for months and pick up right where i was with a few sketches bc the work you put in stays even when you don't actively practic#when it's something you've practiced weekly and daily it sticks with you and ig that's good#but then it's like. the horrors. that haunt you. yk? what if a part of me will always save a soft spot for my ex. what then.#what if I'm fine now and I'm doing okay and i don't miss it and I think i'm okay moving forward and i see her and suddenly I'm on the floor#what if some part of me that was in love never really went away what if i haven't managed to kill all of it yet#bc i genuinely would not know what to do. i. i don't want to admit it but one of my worst fears is liking someone who doesn't like you back#and what's even more horrifying is if it's obvious. if everyone can tell. and usually I'm good at hiding it! (not really) but it's just. id#it's shame in liking someone who you tell yourself you don't want to like and you know you shouldn't. and not having control over it.#hoping praying that either she does something that turns the little switch in my head that sends her into the unforgivable category#or that i become straight. or that i become straight. mhm. yep. or ig the other option is i get a crush on someone new but like. mm.#i kinda have gotten w every person I've had a crush on since hs and i kinda don't think im ready for another rs so soon.#the baggage i just got is. hm. idk i kinda don't wanna unpack it. it's something that can easily be done if i had the missing pieces but.#i don't think I'm ever gonna get them. so. instead I'm gonna take. maybe another 3 months or 5 months or a year or a few. to just. slowly.#idek. it's just triggering old things. bringing me back to when i was 14. i never really got closure from that either. it took me 3 years.#I'm sure this time it'll go away faster but idk experiencing it a second time has a different feel to it. idk. it's weird.#it's like. idk. it's like you're watching it happen and you're not even there anymore. idk. i really don't know.#oh. I've been dissociating.#idk maybe it's for the best i really don't know i really don't know and everyone says i have to do what's best for myself but idk what is#my life is on track things are moving forward I'm doing better and healing but i can't escape the feeling of dread#something is going to catch up with me sooner or later and idk what it is idk at what intensity and idk if i will be ready for it#but anyway. when you love someone intentionally every day for a while. when does it go away? will it go away?#or will i have to live haunted by ppl who are alive but changed. so practically dead w/o the opportunity to mourn. for the rest of my life?#like i don't think i get it. loving this person was like. cooking and eating. intentional. ingrained into everyday life. effortful.#what if my mind does forget but my body still remembers. what then. what if it's like searching for sth you don't remember having anymore#ig I'm just trying to figure out how much to forget these days. how much won't hurt if it all comes back to haunt me#delete later
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brain is so silly bc I'm thinking "i wish Guz had cold hands so when I'm stressed he could cup my face and it'd soothe the itchiness I get when I start scratching at myself from the stress" and then I realized wait he's a fictional character. I could just say he has cold hands if I wanted. but he DOESN'T, i just KNOW that man is a heater !!! he will get me overheated so easily and that is simply something i am happy to put up with because i love him !!!!
#my temperature regulation is very bad but luckily i am more often cold than overheated so fjfkdl#it'd work out most of the time! but sometimes... he runs too hot and i will suffocate if he is physically affectionate DBDJKL#but thats okay bc i love him and am more than happy to deal with any overheating bc I like him sooooo much :3#but yeah idk my body hates me and loves to give me an overload of histamines when im anxious apparently LOL#thus... stress itchiness. rest in peace my skin 😔😔#anyways we're having a garage sale today and i am physically unwell with nausea and very itchy#trying not to make my skin and face all red and welted (from scratching) but goodness gracious i am being tested fhfkdl#and a pair of cold hands on my face other than my own cold hands would do wonders... ougghhhh#Wardell definitely has cold hands and i think ... hmm. idk who else would#Philby sometimes would but not super often and Theodor might occasionally when he's feeling under the weather#me just making shit up right now DBDJDKL#im 50/50 on whether my beloved janitor has cold hands or not. cannot decide!#and not to be cheesy but I think Sun and Moon would be able to cool their hands like an ice pack bc theyre a daycare bot#i never talk abt them bc I feel a little silly abt them but i do very much like the silly robots LOL#ANYWAYS. RAMBLE OVER. i have to go eat some food and then hopefully avoid helping too much w manning the garage sale 😭#💜so good at being in trouble#dandy.cmd
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in other news im thinking about my (very very vague) portal jonelias au again
#jon as glados elias as chell#jon trying oh so very hard to be human and telling himself its because elias' test scores improve when he does#elias splorin the rest of the facility during his downtime#jon getting robot separation anxiety over not being able to see his (most beloved) best test subject#jon pretends the facility is still functional and the scientists are just doing other things but elias knows the truth#elias is just trying to find his robot boy so they can talk#and so he can kiss jon ofc#i also have some vague thoughts about. okay so#in portal 2 its revealed that successful tests are coded to be enjoyable or euphoric to the bot in charge of the facility#except that it lessens with each successful test and theyll slowly start to go mad trying to figure out how to get it back#glados ofc manages to (mainly) keep her cool even w/o this and jon does too obviously#but i have some thoughts about elias like. altering jon's code#im not entirely sure how elias ended up in the facility in the first place but im probably going to give him engineering / programming#skills (probably both)#so that he can alter jons body or his code#(mainly so that i can circumvent all of the fucked up shit but also for sex purposes)#elias: hey can i take a look at your code i wanna get rid of some of your limitations#jon: i think i hauve covid#also thinking about the eroticism of the machine. jon being able to feel everything that happens in the facility#(in the parts of the facility he can reach anyway)#he can feel elias fixing faulty wiring he can feel elias moving through the halls#he can feel elias touching panels etc etc#i imagine jon would be very much like 'im physically incapable of feeling affection for test subjects i am not defective im not broken#its fine'#rlly strugglign to grapple w/ his purpose as an unfeeling inhuman machine and the human parts of him that want to be expressed
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fighting back a complete panicked breakdown bc i am so behind on schoolwork and i feel like i dont know what im doing anymore in any of this aaaaaaa
#im one day ahead of being a full week behind so like. not the worst it could be but im feeling dizzy from being so panicky arr eye pee#i think i give up on getting the practicum done#i cannot organize having a business in place to do my practicum at so like. rest in peace fhdsgjkl idk#i am not good at dealing with businesses and interviews and admin type stuff :''))) and ik its like ''well then get out of ur comfort zone'#''you have to work on that! just go do it and you'll get better at it!!''#so true so real but consider: i am like five centimetres away from killing myself still right now no joke no exaggeration fsdjkfl#i am quite literally never in my comfort zone! i am at incredibly high distress levels ConstantlyTM!#''just because you have xyz disabilities doesnt mean u shouldnt try! never say never!'' im not saying never though fsdjkl#i just know that CURRENTLY i cannot do it. i simply cannot. that is just how it is. i am doing what i can to keep myself alive rn lol#god i feel so ill fsdhgjkl i wish i could stop being dizzy and nauseous so often#also i am having issues w taste fsdjkl everything either tastes bad immediately or leaves a bad taste in my mouth afterwards#if i can taste anything at all :''')))) argh argh argh#okay back to working on college stuff lol going to try to get two chapters done today so i can stay one day ahead of being a week behind#i will NOT be having a breakdown today please god i do not want that#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#suicide mention
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oooo i think im in trouble…….
#uhh tw for animal abuse & death mention ig#TO CLARIFY IF YOU DONT READ THE REST OF THE POST I AM NOT THE ANIMAL ABUSER#anyways idk if any of you remember the friend of mine that makes poor dog decisions but thats who im talking abt here.#the puppy mill mini aussie of hers has been causing her problems (shocker). but these problems are mainly there because she literally does -#- nothing w her dogs. like she keeps them crated like all the time. theyre barely outside for like 5 min at a time. i only just recently -#- got her to try training them to settle. which hasnt been going well because she never actually house trained the mini aussie. she seems -#-to think omce a dog reaches a certain age theyll be well behaved. but she texted me tonight complaining abt the mini aussie again & said -#-abt how he chewed a hole through the bottom of his crate & carpet down to the hardwood. she then said abt how her bf was so pissed he said-#-if he does it again hes gonna take the dog outback & shoot him. she seems to think this is an okay thing to say.#anyways i told he needed to get the fuck over it shit like that happens when you have dogs your shit gets damaged.#i also finally told her that the fucking bones dont cut it the dogs needs mental enrichment & traing & that she needs to work him.#she mad at me now lol but im just so fucking sick of her shit & how she treats her dogs. complains abt them not being good while doing noth-#-ing to fix it. i feel terrible for her poor dogs. this also isnt the first time ive heard her say smth abt the bf threatening to shoot the-#-dog. ‘its just the way he is!’ thats not fucking excuse he needs fucking therapy if he thinks that that is an okay thing to say.#& honestly from what i know of him he might actually do it at some point. idk our bloodhound that we had to euthanize for aggression chewed-#-on the fucking walls of our house but never once did we even think of ‘taking him out back & shooting him’ & he did that after the first -#- attack.#also shooting your dog is illegal so i will definitely be calling someone if it happens.#i also told her to just get rid of him if she couldn’t handle him cuz im sick of her shit lol
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okay. i am going to continue being stupid. and lowkey embarrassing. and a big stupid fucking idiot. i don’t know what’s wrong w me just ignore me forever okay? okay <3
#why why why why why why why why#i don’t even know what to say anymore my brain is going one thousand miles per hour and it’s all STUPID !!!!#why am i lowkey 24 years old a grown ass adult with literally the stupidest circumstantial crush rn#i don’t even wanna admit that’s what it is cause like. girl. why am i the worlds biggest idiot#i want to bash my head into a wall i don’t even know his name! i never spoke to the man! i know nothing! about him!!#im usually rlly good about not letting myself get all worked up over ppl i find attractive#but for some reason this feels out of my control. i’m trying to just like. get over it. but my brain just won’t stop being so FUCKING#stupid and it’s SO embarrassing!!#what i’m about to say is especially embarrassing to admit but like. idk what to do idk why this happening#i keep catching myself like. daydreaming abt what it would be like 2 hold his hand or give him a hug#i just wanna wrap my arms around his neck and feel his hands on my waist and i dont!! know where this is coming from!!!!!!!!#i wish i could spray my brain with a water bottle every time this happens because frankly this is just getting ridiculous#we are not gonna marry the man! we never spoke to him! we’re never going to see him again for the rest of our lives okay!!#get it together dumbass. so we saw a beautiful boy at a wedding reception and became enamored with his mannerisms so what who cares#it doesn’t matter u know! so what if it was attractive how he sat with his leg propped up while he looked at his camera#or how u caught him buttoning and unbuttoning his little jacket over and over. or the way he leaned against the wall to watch the crowd#or his stupid dumb cute lil smile or how the few times you accidentally made eye contact w him ur heart went all pap pap and shit#it was just a fleeting moment! who gives a shit!! get over it!!#god. it’s especially embarrassing cause i’m here obsessed w the man still desperately wishing i could talk to him and idk learn everything#about him. and i know damn well to him i was just some creepy girl who wouldn’t stop staring at him. he probably thinks im like. plotting#his death or something. i’m not. but i should probably plot my own if i don’t get over this soon#idk idk idk i literally don’t know why this is happening!#we’ve seen hot ppl before why is this different! god!!!!!!!#i haven’t felt this way abt someone in such a long time#and it’s just frustrating knowing just how stupid i am sitting here like this#cause i know he doesn’t care. he doesn’t know me. and that’s fine! idk why my brain is doing this!#whats wrong w me genuinely. i can’t control what’s happening is so fucking weird#i truly feel like im going insane i can’t make sense of why this is happening to me#stupid stupid stupid stupid SO embarrassing idk idk#snow.txt
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Notes:
I think I definitely like the original versions more than the edited ones. I'm more happy with the grumpy Fernando one, whereas the bratty Seb one made me want to cease painting forever. So hopefully he looks good?????? I'm sure I'll soften on it, but yeah, not TOO pleased with it right now. His facial expressions are so cute and dynamic and unique until you have to try and paint it and then you dont love him anymore(kidding ofc, how could I ever hate my beloved boy king 🥺)
Anyways, these are them:
#the caption is a multi-pronged reference so if you get it you get it 🤭#hint: the quote is both a translation of a vettonso thing but its also not...exact. i added a little spice to it#so yeah translate all of that first(the first part of the quote wont work in google translate tho)#and then also the rest of the caption is both a reference to a real life thing but also me making it AUified !!#hehehe let me know your thoughts 🤭 was so fucking pleased w it when i first told C about it#ngl putting that quote was the main thing pushing me thru finishing the seb one#im like CMON YOU CAN DO IT!! IF YOU FINISH IT YOU CAN PUT YOUR SILLY LATIN JOKE!!! YOU LOVE LATIN!!#anyways i drafted this before i even really started the seb one#and my god LOOK AT THEIR HAND SIZE DIFFERENCE WOOF WOOF WOOF#did you guys notice...seb's ring...his wedding...ring? 🤭🤭🤭#wanted to add one to nando but his left ring finger isnt really visible but just so you know hes wearing it#I have a lot of thoughrs about rings and ungloved vs gloved hands grrrrrrr#theres a lot of meaning in it to me and it adds to their characterization so ill try and make a post abt thay sometime !#anyways pls enjoy the fruits of my labor.....#vettonso so good it makes me PAINT TWO PORTRAITS#i think before this au i was kinda trying to get away from painting csuse it stressed me out too much#and then the vettonso brainrot is so horrinle that im willing to paint for like...an undisclosed amnt of time#undisclosed not bcs im being secretive but bcs i have no idea and irs 6 am and i have school JSKFLVL#okay bur yes yes please enjoy. and enjoy my suffering as a purveyor of vettonso 🥹 id do anything for my lieges#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#fernando alonso#vettonso#catie.art.#boy king au
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i have no lore or other content but dw im already cooking
#‡ ooc#tbd .#now i know how mars felt waiting for lore & content of a wr skin....#but yeah im gonna make a verse for it erm....#okay rest of the tags are spoilers#im trying to be vague about it in case ppl dont want leaks the worst place you could get spoiled is an rp blog 😩 hjkjhfdzkgj#it might be a wr skin so a loss for me BUT !!!! i get my dark brown/black wavy hair talon so WE'RE SO BACK#trying to find similarities with other skins designs like with tf and jax and-#WAIT WAS JAX A LEGENDARY.... wow. anyway#this line 1/3 legendaries and 1/6 exclusive skins.....#i do like the lore for it a lot tho.... even tho its p vague 🥺 and at least i can make art of it and see fanart HEEHEE#you know what? it ALSO has an official playlist so there#i can foresee interactions w cosmic/darkstar/dimension jumping or aware verses being the easiest 👉👈#do i make a guess now on what talons lore will be...hmmmmm#i think theyre a guard of one of the devices used to read/observe the stars and they mightve caught a glimpse of something in particular#or theyre looking out for it and ready to go tell camille#talon... being good for once.... aheem hem imagine#sigh i forgot theres also gonna be a prestige.....#FINALLY... A CANONICALLY LITERATE TALON.....
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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literally had to quietly turn off asks on my main because in the last line 2 weeks ive gotten probably 50 asks about that whole situation asking for money. how about no.
i 1. dont have money 2. live in fucking missouri usa 3. dont have any influence nor reach online and 4. refuse to post about that topic on my main blog EVER. because i like my main staying as light hearted as possible.
i am the last person these people should be sending asks to about this.
hell, there was even one that started with 'youre our last hope!!!' no the fuck im not. you probably sent that ask to 100 people. i am no ones last hope.
also apparently im r@cist for thinking that at least a few of these are scams. because there totally couldnt be people taking advantage of this situation to be greedy and awful and scam people. it wouldnt be the first time, nor the last.
it was also just annoying. i never get people talking to me online anymore so when i get asks its usually so exciting... but now it was just dreadful. 'whos gonna try and guilt trip me today?'
seriously, most of them started guilt trippy. at least some of them started polite though.
i know its a huge tragedy and w@r and all that but i dont know why i need to have any part of it. there is nothing i can do about it, and all it would do is make me upset, especially because theres nothing i can do.
and people can tell me all they want 'but there IS something you can do!!' but like... if people are getting killed, i doubt me signing a petition is gonna make them go 'oh, i guess i was wrong to kill people, sorry' like...
and like i said, i dont have reach or influence online. plus, thousands if not millions of people are already posting about this topic CONSTANTLY and saying everything better than i could, and having more reach than i ever will. i think me not posting about it will be fine.
#this whole thing has been going on since before literally all of us were born. probably even since before my dad was born.#like maybe we can sway it around and shit but i doubt itll end anytime soon.#thats awful to say and it feels awful to say because i know its horrible but#thats just how it feels to me#plus i dont like the idea of making things about countries. its the government. its always the government#but anyone who says 'dont blame the everyday people for this' and shit are called g3noclde apologists#seriously. every single time someone calls a celebrity that and i look up what they ACTUALLY said. its ALWAYS THAT.#its not 'wow im so glad that people are dying and i love the government for it!'#its ALWAYS 'hey please dont hate the everyday people who are just trying to live their lives in that country'#its begging you to not see things as purely black and white and begging you to not harass people who have nothing to do with it#not to mention all the @ntlsemltlsm people are throwing around#dude most celebrities saying that stuff are j3wlsh too. like ive seen maybe one g0y say that and the rest were j3wlsh#idk how much i need to censor but i dont want people finding this im just ranting#hot take that could get me killed if people found it but#everyone else is worrying about one side. i think its fine if some people worry about the innocent people on the other side. someone has to.#like. even with the other w@r that started a few years ago. that one sucks too but i couldnt help but worry about my russlan friend#i hope hes still doing okay. he seemed to be last i saw him
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I wanna kill myself
#in both a serious and unserious way#the serious way is bc i feel like i keep massively fucking myself over which affects my parents and sisters too and i cant get myself to be#realistic and healthily optimistic like im so fucking pessimistic it's a major concern#the unserious way is way more funny im so fucked guys 😭😭😭😭#this crush is so pathetic. more dire than last time#i just stopped functioning i couldn't get more than ONE SENTENCE out to her even tho i ended up sitting across from her holy shit she#probably thinks im some moody weirdo bc last time i was malfunctioning but super enthusiastic and this time#i was like . quiet. and just. shy in a way that made me feel uncomfortable so why wouldn't it extend to her#this morning i was like idk what the point of anything is. why am i even trying to befriend her#wont this just end stupidly like last time i had a crush in uni? like the time before that in high school?#i have nothing to offer like lets say by some grand miracle she and i study together we get friendly we become#acquaintances and then it turns out shes also Interested in me#then what???? what do i have that she doesn't already have in her life???#i feel like i cant GIVE anything all i do is impose myself upon people#like deal with [this] -> me and all my baggage#and its like okay if she likes You she'll gladly deal w the rest but thats the thing why would she even LIKE ME#what. do i have but a shell.#an image.#i have nothing but neuroticism and depression underneath#thats what it feels like although realistically that cant be fully true#and also isnt it superficial of me to have a crush on her? all i know is that shes beautiful she speaks spanish so well and that shes quiet#in the way thats charming and im kind of afraid of disturbing her peace#z.post
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