#so it's like not the name on my birth certificate but everyone calls me jess

[daydadahlias]

me when it’s my first day on earth and I’ve never heard of a joke before

[soysaucecas]

i’ll lend you this, i’ll lend you that (ao3)

1k, t4t samjess’s first meeting at stanford the rhonda bit is inspired veryyy heavily by this fanart by @skepticalfrog written for @spnprideweek day 1: coming out

cw for some unintentional misgendering

-

Sam brings a journal to Stanford to record the names and faces of everyone she meets. This is going to be her home for the next four years—no packing bags in the middle of the night or saying hasty goodbyes to half-baked friendships she’ll never find again. The people she meets are here to stay. She’s here to stay.

California’s hot in August (though not as hot as some of the places Sam’s been), so Sam ties their hair up. They’re not sure how out they plan to be here yet; honestly, they’ve been going back and forth about it every night for weeks, but some guys have ponytails, so it shouldn’t be too risky. Sam takes another quick look at the students in their first day orientation group. Some of the students look super preppy, but there’s plenty in extremely casual wear, plus some scene kids. She sees a few people with outrageously-dyed hair, and one guy who seems to be wearing lipstick. No one is bothering him, nor is anyone shooting her looks yet, and it’s still hot even with their hair up. Can she…?

With a slight rush of adrenaline, Sam takes the bottom of their shirt and ties it off at their waist. Rhonda Hurley had shown them how to make any shirt into a makeshift crop top years ago, and Sam’s muscle memory follows her simple instructions well, even if their hands are shaking a little. It’d been one of the many bits of wisdom Rhonda had imparted on Sam during the one year she was in Sam and Dean’s lives, bits of wisdom she’d always dropped with a small smile that seemed to say, “just for us girls, huh?” Sam doesn’t feel entirely like a girl most of the time, but the word always felt right coming from Rhonda, who was always okay with Sam crashing her and Dean’s dates and regularly called Sam her trans sister-in-arms.

Alyssa, the orientation leader and tour guide, lets them take a ten-minute break for water, bathrooms, and socializing. Sam gets the names, faces, and cell numbers of Sarayu and Brady, though her sketches end up being far less detailed than she’d like. Looking down at her first filled page, she finds that it reminds her a little of John’s hunting journal. The thought makes them shudder. No more hunting, no more monsters. Sam’s not going to kill anyone in this book. As soon as they can borrow someone’s stationery, they’re going to draw colorful borders around each entry, borders so floral they’d make the old man gag.

“Five minutes left!” Alyssa says cheerily. “Just to give you a little taste of what’s to come, we’ll be going to Meyer after this.” She delivers the next line like a joke, but no one really laughs—“Don’t tell anyone this, but it’s actually my least favorite library.”

“She’s perky, isn’t she?” someone next to Sam whispers. Sam turns, confused, and their neighbor inclines a head towards Alyssa. Sam stifles a startled giggle. The speaker appears to be a blonde girl, pretty, and wearing a clearly well-loved friendship bracelet. She gestures at Sam’s notebook, which is still open. “Art major?”

Sam, flattered, shakes their head. “No, pre-law. This is just sort of… a phonebook. I have people’s names and numbers and what they look like in case I forget who they are.”

“Hm. Very cool,” Pretty Girl says. “Can I be next?”

“Sure,” Sam says. “What’s your name?” She tells her, and Sam asks, “Is that with an I-E at the end or just a Y?”

Jessie or Jessy chews on her lip, as if considering something. Her gaze returns to Sam’s midriff (Sam resists the urge to cover up), and seems to come to a decision. “Just… just with an E. J-E-S-S-E. Jess for short.”

Sam tries not to react, but they clearly do a bad job of it, because Jesse steps back a little. “Is that a problem?” he(?) asks.

Sam shakes her head rapidly and starts scribbling the name down like her speed might indicate her acceptance. “No, no, definitely not. I think… I think that’s really cool, actually. Did you”—there are definitely better ways to ask this, but oh well—“did you pick it yourself?”

Jesse relaxes immediately. “It was a collaborative effort.”

“Got it. Phone number?”

Jesse rattles off a cell, then asks, “What about you? What’s your name?”

“Me? I’m Sam.”

“Short for Samuel?”

Sam considers agreeing; after all, that is what it says on their birth certificate, but they stop at the last moment. “Short for—short for Samantha, actually.” The flash of recognition in Jesse’s eyes is both thrilling and terrifying. Sam quickly adds, “But maybe don’t go spreading that around.”

Jesse makes a lips-sealed gesture, eyes dead serious. Sam laughs gratefully.

“So,” Sam says, as quietly as she can, “do you—do you go by ‘he,’ or by ‘she,’ or—”

Jesse unzips his(?) mouth before replying, “Any of the above? Though… kind of like you said, you should probably stick to ‘she’ when there’s unfamiliar people around.”

“Deal.” Sam sticks out her hand, and the two of them shake on it. Jesse holds on a little longer than necessary, a small smile playing at his lips.

“It’s good to meet you, Sam. Really, what are the chances?”

Sam considers the question. “Pretty low. I didn’t know if I would find any tr—well, any people like me at Stanford.”

Jess nods. “I wasn’t that hopeless, but I definitely didn’t think it would happen day one. It is college, though. And California.”

Sam’s not certain what the significance of either of those things are, but before she can ask, Alyssa is calling the group back together. The rest of the students get back in formation behind her. Sam looks down at the second page of her notebook, which just has “Jesse” and a phone number written on it—no portrait yet. Damn. Though, Sam thinks, looking up at Jess walking ahead of them, maybe that’s a face she won’t need help remembering.

[pbandjesse]

Oh man I am exhausted today. I still had a really nice day but my allergies are kicking my butt and I slept a lot. Also, I just heard the wildest argument in the alley and it really made me laugh but I will get back to that.

I slept really deeply last night and had some vaguely upsetting dreams, but it was still a good sleep. But it wasn't enough. I got up though because I knew Jess and James were up and dad had texted me that him and mom would be there at 9.

So I got up and got dressed and actually felt okay. Like not 100% for sure but I was in a good mood.

James was heading out to go get the uhaul and return the tables we rented. And then me and Jess were taking down the boxes of party supplies to give back to mom to store.

And soon mom and dad were there and we all went to my car. I was excited that he got to see it and it was actually the first time any of the three of them had been in the car so that was cool. I was only a little embarrassed that it was covered in camping dirt.

We went over to the neighborhood the museum is in to go to the diner up there. And it was honestly a great meal. I really liked my food and it was good conversation with my family. We talked about me and Jess's styling job a lot and it is always interesting what we do differently. Jess does a lot more styling then I do though so it makes sense that she would run into more issues then me. But it is always fun to hear her perspective.

We had a really nice meal together though. Mom shared the pictures she took from the party. And then it back back home to the apartment. We brought down the last two things to mom, said goodbye to James who was working, and then it was goodbye to mom and dad.

I was sad to see them go. But I am glad I got to see them so much this weekend. I love them. I am honestly really glad I got to see so much family this weekend. And apparently, Ellen loved my uncle Dave and thought he was so kind and nice. She loved the whole family and kept going on about them but specifically called out Dave and that made me laugh. I also love him. I refer to him as the blueprint because I collect grumpy old men just like him.

Me and Jess went to Towson to go to the mall. We were going to build a bear. Which was really silly and fun but we were both very obviously exhausted.

I picked my bear right away. I knew I wanted a Halloween one but when I saw the light up pumpkin bear I was like. Oh obviously. Jess had a little more of a challenge but she went with the Oogie Boogie and I think that was an excellent choice.

It was fun though! We got them stuffed and dressed them up. We didn't buy the clothes, I will probably get a baby shirt or sweater at the thrift store. But it was fun to dress them up. I think a lot of the issue though was that there was to much branded clothing. Almost nothing was just plain. I am still excited for my bear.

We got to name them. I went with the first suggested name. Which was Gerald. Jess picked the silliest suggested name, which was LoveBear. She carried him around like a baby. It was fun. Im glad we did it even if it was silly.

We made a couple little stops at sephora and lush. I didn't need anything but Jess did so it was a good errand in the end.

We headed back home after that. I was tired. We drove back and had James guess what we got based on their birth certificate and they were almost dead on so that was hilarious.

Me and Jess tried to get the SD card for the party pictures but my reader wasn't working. That was okay. We will figure it out. I was honestly to tired to trouble shoot. Jess got to see my wedding dress. And we did a little bit of picking stuff up. but soon Jess headed home too.

I helped her carry things to the car. And then I was like. I have to sleep. I will sleep for an hour. But of course that didn't happen.

I slept for about 3 hours. I really needed it. I honestly continued to feel exhausted after that. But the sleep was good. I woke up and did the styling I needed to do an did some more picking up. I wanted to do more but standing up made me exhausted and I just coulldnt.

My allergies have been bad tonight and that mixed with being so tired I knew I needed to just. Not push it. I had a little dinner. Me and James hung out. I tried on my Halloween costume. I took a shower. And now we are in bed.

Where I just heard our very drunk neighbor, who is always very loud when she drinks, yell "I know he's a cis man! Im sorry! But I have to say it! Danny Trejo is more general ambiguous than David Bowie. I have to say it! Im sorry!" It was hilarious. She is generally unpleasant to listen to when she is drinking, but that was great.

Now I am going to lay down. I feel tired deep inside my chest. Sleep well everyone. Take care of yourself. Take care of each other. Goodnight!

[minecraft-storymode-rewrite-time]

OK lore time as told from me ranting to my bestie via dms

OK so basically. Story starts off at the start of a War between the humans and the halflings. Shits fucked. Our main characters, twins, both named 'Jesse' are runaways from fucked up and evil parents who dodged getting drafted into the war somehow.

The Jesses found a piglet while hiding behind a waterfall and fed it a carrot. It kept following them so they just decided to call it Reuben.

Axel and oliva, two orphans who decided to use all the focus on the war to get away amd live in a treehouse in da Woods stumble upon two feral kids and their pig while foraging and shitt and just go 'hey let's keep them lmao' and that's how they became friends

Fast forward a few years and the war is Still going on. We're in the middle of it. The humans 'heros'(the order of the stone) have all gone 'fuck that' and pissed off. Everyone still idolises them for some reason.

The jesses and co are vibing, having a grand old time. The jesses steal and swindle mfs out of valuables in the nearby town, which is relatively unaffected by the war other than the complete lack of anyone that can defend themselves from mobs because all of those guys went off to fight the war.

Well not all of them because Jesses and co plus Petra all know how to fight. They just legally don't fucking exist. Their birth certificates don't exist anymore.​

Petra, as the eldest and kinda the caretaker of the protagonist group when they get into too much trouble, taught them all how to fight for their lives. As such literally none of them know how to fight fairly because a feral mob won't fight fair.

This gives them the title of 'town vigilantes' because if anyone attempts to harass any of their group they either go back with all their shit stolen and crops set on fire or get their kneecaps sent to narnia.

Aiden, Maya and Lukas all had to deal with this because they picked a fight with the scrawniest of the group, jess, while she was just vibing alone. Gil didn't though because he lives with his dads and never actually joins in with their violent bullying.

Anyways after jesses and co fight back against the ocelots they kinda just have a mini-war.

They never burnt treehouse tree down because the one time they attempted it petra waterboarded all 4 of them and beat the everliving shit out of them.

Endercon comes around every year and by the time 'canon' timeline rolls around Jesse and co and the ocelots are at a tie.

They've agreed that this endercon will be the one to settle their competition. The winner of this one takes all and the loser doesn't get to compete in we building competition for the next 5 years.

This is why aiden attempts to burn Jesse's build down. Because he's a sore looser and a Lil Bitch.

Lukas has considerably calmed down and become more chill n shit since their little turf war first started to the point where he's just kinda become a bystander which frustrates the living hell out of Jesse (not jess) because he's the one who started the fight against his sister that prompted them to set their shit on fire and start the turf war but it's not fun fighting with someone who's become such a good sport after like 3 years

In the rewrite when Reuben runs off the jesses go off and tell Axel and Olivia to save the build so they win. Petra helps them look for him. They're vibing and find him quickly.

They run into some creeper halflings on their way back and have a 'oh shit we've stumble upon a nomadic herd's temp territory fuck we better run' and they retreat into a cave and make their way to town via the scenic route.

They find out they won and while lukas and gil are relatively good sports about it, lukas going 'I like your build, you've improved since our first endercon buildbattle' and gil going 'I'm not happy about not being able to join the build battle as a team for 5 years, but you earnt the win!!' While Aiden and Maya sit in the bg all miffed. Lukas and Gil apologise for aiden and maya's attempt to fuck up the build and kill reuben but jess is cool with it so petra is as well.

Jesse seethes with murderous desire in the bg so hard he starts dissociating. Jess punches his arm to bring him back to reality. He decides to let sleeping dogs lie for now.

They meet ivor and he scams petra. They alert the entire gang (+ lukas and gil who agree to keep an eye out) and things proceed as normal.

there's old legends being passed around in honour of a member of the order visiting the town. Something about three gods called the admins?? We're too focused on chasing the scammer to care.

Stuff goes on as usual. Witherstorm happens and the entire gang gets out with the ocelots. Everyone is kinda just. Miffed and scared at this whole situation.

. And that's it!! I'll reblog with the halfling lore but have this for now

[keenge]

I was holding her in my arms when the phone rang ... "It's 3:30 in the fucking morning this had better be important !!!" I said losing the dream. " Mat, it's T and I really do hate to bother you, but I think he is back," said my partner and best friend Theresa McCawley , " Beat patrol found her body about 30 minutes ago, down by the docks." " I'll be there in 15 minutes Teri. " and I hung up, got dressed and locked my door and left the house. My name is Mathias MacGregor and I have been a cop in Riverside, La. most of my adult life, was born and raised there, and the man my partner was referring to is known as the Dock Master ... this is our story.

It all started when a young girl, 16, was found beaten raped, brutally tortured and murdered on the East dock 8 years ago. Since then he has left 12 more bodies and so many unanswered questions it makes me sick. He had a calling card, my initials carved into the victims foreheads, a detail the press miraculously has never found out about.

It's been a year since he struck the last time, a year since he put a bullet into my chest and I put one into his leg and back, a year filled with pain rehab and booze and me tracking the few clues he has left behind.

The second victim was found less than a week after the first and it was the pathologist that mentioned the letters ... my name isn't well known outside the department and certainly not my middle initial, so it was obvious that a message was being sent since a letter arrived for me at the lab while we were waiting for the autopsy report.

She had been beaten and raped like the first girl but the torture was different, not by much, but enough to see the bastard knew what he was doing and was good at it, a beat cop brought me the letter having signed for it from a courier. Inside was my full name a description of both victims including marks left by the torture and one sentence, "These are only the beginning."

That was 8 years and 10 victims ago, but god it feels like a lifetime. I got close a year ago because he made one mistake, just one but it was enough to trap him. We just weren't prepared for the fight he put up, 2 officers dead, 3 more including myself wounded and a shit ton of publicity asking why we havent caught him. " Mat, the call went out on a cell and came straight to me, they know the rules." This is why I adore my partner and best friend, Teri can read me like a book.

There had been calls made over the radios for the first 4 victims but, after the 3rd and 4th had my initials on their foreheads as well as the first 2, we decided anymore would go out over special phones we had made for our department.

Don't get me wrong I don't hate the press, I just don't have much use for them to be honest. They twist words and actions and typically report only what they want.

After the first 4 victims they were already calling him the Dock Master, even though we had begged them not to, we had learned from other cities giving a serial killer a name tends to make them bolder and more ... violent.

"Do we have an I.D. on her yet?" I asked of nobody in particular, "No lieutenant, but she doesn't look like a typical street kid." I walked over knelt down and pulled the sheet back from her face, OH MOTHERFUCKER" I yelled, making everyone jump and turn towards me, " This is Mayor Thompson's daughter!!!" Teri looked at me with wide eyes and for the first time since the shooting last year I saw fear in her face.

Every single cop in Riverside knew Jesse Thompson, she was the city's darling because she was pretty and had a voice like an angel.

"Are you sure Mat" Teri asked in a hoarse whisper, "She is supposed to be in Chicago for the Cheerleading competition." "Yeah, I'm sure T, he didnt damage her face, except to leave his mark" I said, "I'll make the notification myself and meet you at the lab."

When I got to the lab I had a grim sense of satisfaction tempered with a pity I never thought I'd ever feel for the man i was sure was the biggest crook in our small part of the world. After the shooting, our esteemed Mayor, in his infinite wisdom, took to the press (see above opinions) and made us seem like the Keystone Kops.

I was personally accused of mishandling the evidence and the investigation and causing the deaths and injuries of my friends and comrades.

"Doc says it will be tomorrow before her report is ready Mat, go home and get some sleep for what it's worth, I'll go to the office then head home myself" said Teri when I walked through the doors. "Come by the house when your done at the office if you want T, we could both use some stress relief about now" I said with a sad smile. " You still have your key, I'll be in the shower and you can join of you want." She smirked hugged me and whispered " Only if you promise to be a little rough" and walked away towards the exit.

Teri and I have known each other for 25 yrs and it wasn't until 3 yrs ago that either of us ever really thought about being anything but friends, as strange as that sounds, we were both either with someone or only one of us was single or whatever the case may be but it took that long, but damn it was worth the wait.

When she got to my house I was in the shower as promised, as she came into the bathroom I could tell she had been crying, so I stood under the water waiting for her to decide what she was going to do, as she stepped in I grabbed her, pushed her against the wall, and fell to my knees in front of her, grabbed her thighs and pushed them apart.

I slid my tongue into her wet slit, flicking her clit, as I grabbed her breasts with my hands and played with her nipples. "OH MY GOD YES" she yelled, as I gently sucked her clit into my mouth, and rubbed it between my upper and lower teeth, as she came she grabbed my hair pulling me up and said "FUCK ME NOW"

As we were in the tub she shoved me down, grabbed me in her hand and squeezed, as she stroked slowly smiling at me, then swung her leg over and lowered herself onto my face, allowing me to find her clit and lips with my tongue, as she took me in her mouth, and slowly licked and sucked up and down my manhood, while I was licking and sucking her womanhood until she finished on my face and in my mouth,"God that feels amazing" she said letting me out of her mouth, she turned and rolling onto her back, pulled me over with her and taking me in her hand she guided me inside of her slowly, squeezing and caressing me inch by inch until I was all the way in, then she wrapped her legs around me, looked into my eyes, and said "Fuck me as hard as you can". So I did, and we both came, her at least 2 more times as I filled her with mine, then I slid down her body and proceeded to lick and suck her clean, making her cum again, then I picked her up and held her in my arms as she cried again, I held her till she was finished , then we laid down on the bed, and went to sleep snuggled together, in what would be the last decent sleep we would get for almost 6 months.

When we woke up that afternoon we didnt say much, just cleaned up and headed back to the lab where the coroner, Gina Dubois, was waiting with her report. " This is a bad one Mat, he has added to his repertoire. She died due to almost total exsanguination ... she lost about 95% of her total blood volume. But before she died he hurt her bad, I counted 146 broken bones, almost every single muscle, tendon and ligament was either stretched or torn, she was beaten worse than the rest ... " , she paused and I could feel the anger and frustration radiating from her, "She was raped repeatedly with a sharp double edged weapon both vaginally and analy, then he forced salt inside of her with a large rounded blunt object about 10 inches in diameter ... he tore her open inside so bad that even if she had been in a hospital she would have died!" " He also raped her and left fluids behind which we are analyzing now, but there is something else ..." and again she paused. "What is it Gina?" Asked Teri. Gina still hesitated, then finally spoke. "He left something else behind inside of her, a letter addressed to Mat" she said, " The letter is in my office since I haven't logged it into evidence yet." "Gina, what are you hiding?" I asked, "Not logging evidence is not like you, and you are kinda worrying me right now." "Fucking A and you should be worried, Mat he knows your full name, not just the goddamned initials, he knows you almost intimately," she said, "You don't even have your middle name listed officially anywhere, I know, I checked, so how the hell does he know so much about you?" Now I am not the kind of person that gives out my personal information to anyone, so for the bastard to know so much... " Gina, Teri, I swear I don't know, only 5 or 6 people know that name, there is a fucking reason I don't use it," I said, "The man that raped my mother and got her pregnant, he ... he kept tabs on her, and when she went into labor he followed her to the fucking hospital, and after I was born, he just walked in proud as you fucking please, and added a name to my birth certificate, my middle name... God I hate the name, but I have used what happened to her to become the cop I am, my middle name is, Dubois..." I heard Gina and Teri both draw in sharp breaths as they digested what I had just told them. I went into Gina's office and found the letter, and walked outside debating on who could know my full name, and hate me enough to do this kind of fucked up bullshit in my city.

Teri caught up to me as I was getting in my truck, "Mat" she began, "I am so sorry, you never told me anything about your childhood or growing up with what happened to you. But it doesn't change who you are, you are still my partner and goddammnit I need you to be at your best because this fucker is killing children in our city and he almost got you, so snap the fuck out of what ever funk your in and let's get to work and catch this maniac!" Leave it to Teri to put it so plainly and yet so perfectly, " Ok, T, your right, we need to go to the hospital so I can talk to Ashley, she needs to know about the letter." The letter! I hadn't even looked at it yet, and suddenly I was afraid to! Before I go too much further let me explain a bit more... Ashley Wise was the doctor that operated on me and the other cops that were wounded in the failed attempt to catch this bastard, but more importantly she is my baby sister.

"She is one of the very few people that know my full name so I need to talk to her ASAP."

I now my grammar and punctuation is atrocious but bear with me it is a work in progress

[shirtlesssammy]

5x06: I Believe the Children Are Our Future

Then:

Sam and Dean Winchester started the apocalypse

Now:

At a home in Alliance, Nebraska, a young woman, Amber, stays up late watching TV while she babysits. Totally enraptured with what appears to be Herbie the Love Bug Cujo on the television, she starts to mindlessly brush her hair.

She hears a noise and heads to the closet to investigate. Lol, it’s just the kid she’s babysitting all bloody and dead with a spike through his head. Well, not really. He’s just a prankster that won’t go to bed. Before the kid will go to bed though, we have to insert gross sexist funnies. Amber resumes watching TV, while dogs bark and howl outside. Much later the parents come home to find her asleep on the couch. Scratch that, she’s actually dead with horrible claw marks on the side of her face.

Agents Page and Plant are on the case! Sam and Dean take a look at the victim at the morgue. It’s there that they learn that she scratched her own brains out. They next head to interview the family. While Sam talks with the parents, Dean finds the kid and grills him. Lol. The kid denies knowing anything at first, but Dean breaks him by threatening to take him downtown.

It turns out that he put itching powder on the hair brush. Sam is doubtful that ground up maple seeds would cause that much itching.

Sam gets a call and they rush to the hospital, where a charred body is being zipped up in a body bag. The man was electrocuted, and the only witness insists that it was the joy buzzer in his hand that did it.  

Dean’s on the case!! He buys some ham, rubber gloves, and welding goggles and joy buzzes a week’s worth of meals. The joy buzzer cooks faster than a pressure cooker and the ham is cooked in a matter of seconds.

“That crap isn’t supposed to work.” Sam can’t believe it. Dean just starts to dig into the food. They think they’re possibly dealing with cursed objects.

They head to the magic shop that sold both items. Dean finds great joy in the whoopee cushion (AS IS YOUR RIGHT YOU BEAUTIFUL 10 YEAR OLD BOY).

The shop owner admits that kids aren’t really into magic anymore, but he did sell itching powder and a joy buzzer recently. Dean accuses him of being behind the deaths by electrocuting a rubber chicken. The brothers quickly realize their mistake and take off, leaving the poor shop owner in a state of existential trauma.

That night, a father tells his little girl about the magic of the tooth fairy. “So some freak is going to come in my room while I’m sleeping and take my tooth? Sounds scary, no thank you.” The father puts the tooth under her pillow anyway. Later that night she sneaks into his bedroom and places the tooth under his pillow. And that girl was right, and a stone cold brutal daughter, because the dad gets a visit from Hansel the tooth fairy and the results aren’t pretty.

Later at the hospital, the brothers discuss the latest happenings of the case. Besides the tooth fairy, a couple kids have stomach ulcers from mixing Pop Rocks and Soda (I thought your stomach exploded from mixing the two!) and one guy’s face “froze that way.”

Dean admits to believing that Sea Monkeys were real (Of course he believed in that beautiful domestic family lie.) Dean surmises that kids all believe the things that are happening. Sam wonders if this is the work of a trickster.

While Dean works on his side of ham, Sam does some research into where the victims lived and finds they’re all within a range of a house in the middle of the country. Dean asks if their motel is in the circle, and then holds up his hands, palms covered in hair. DUDE. Sam reminds Dean that he can go “blind from that too.” LOL.

They head out to check out the house. Sam starts to pick the lock on the door, when it is opened by a little boy. Sam asks his name but he wants to know who they are. They flash their badges, but the little boy takes a long look at them. And I’ve said this before, but I’m saying it again. This picture is my origin story with this show:

Anyway, Jesse, the kid, lets them inside so they can talk with him. Dean finds a picture of the “tooth fairy”. He then asks Jesse about all the cases and finally brings out the joy buzzer. “You shouldn’t have that,” Jesse insists. He tells Dean that it can electrocute a person, but Dean tells him that’s not true. Jesse seems to believe him. And to further his point, Dean buzzes it on Sam. (MY GOD, what if Jesse was just trying to make you go away?) Sam is NOT AMUSED.

Leaving the house, Dean has no remorse for buzzing his brother. They know where the crazy in the town is coming from now. Sam does some research and, get this, Jesse was adopted. He has no father listed on his birth certificate, but his birth mom, Julia Wright, lives on the other side of the state.

The boys go to her house and ask about her son. Julia insists that she doesn’t have a son but when Sam asks her about her pregnancy (uh RUDE) she races for the kitchen and grabs a container of salt. She chucks some at them and they just stand there. “You’re not demons?” she asks in surprise.

Over a cup of tea, she tells them that she was possessed by a demon. For nine months, to be specific. (It’s usually more like 10 months, bbys.) “It used my body to give birth to a child.” Not gonna lie, with all the current news and legislation about women’s autonomy over their bodies, this line is EXTRA chilling. Once the child was born, she was able to gain control over the demon. She piled rock salt into her mouth and the demon left in a whirl of smoke. She gave the baby up for adoption but, uh, there was no father. It was a “virgin birth.” (If anything feels hackneyed in this episode, it’s the insistence on making her an outright virgin just for narrative symmetry.)

Dean tells her, rather gently, that Jesse is alive and is a “good kid.” When they leave, the spectre of a demon-baby requires a call to Cas. Back at “The Liberty” in their Americana-themed motel room (ffs Wanek, you’re killing me), Cas appears, ready to smite the child. Sam and Dean are taken aback. The child, Cas explains, is extra powerful and known throughout the world by many names. But in America, they know him as the antichrist. Ooo JUST in time for the apocalypse! Great timing.

Cas sits down after delivering this message and a whoopie cushion wheezes out slowly, deflating (see what I did there) the situation.

Sam wants to know if Jesse is the devil’s son. LOL Sam, of course not. Don’t be ridiculous! What a ludicrous idea for a plot line on the show. The child is simply “demon spawn” and is hidden from both angels and demons. Jesse’s powers have ballooned since Lucifer rose and Cas thinks Lucifer wants to find Jesse so he can use him to destroy the host of Heaven. Uh, don’t worry, bby. You’ll help with that in the next couple of seasons.

“We’re the good guys. We don’t just kill children,” Sam insists. Cas gets up in Sam’s face, telling him that he used to be willing to do whatever it took to win a war. Cas! Did you not learn a lesson last season? Oh...I guess you were kinda dead for a little bit. Cas doesn’t think “it” can be trusted not to destroy everything, but Sam wants to tell Jesse the truth. Then he might make the right choice to, you know, not destroy the world and Heaven. Cas stares Sam down. “You didn’t,” Cas tells Sam. BURN. (Meanwhile, I stare meaningfully at Season 14.)

Back at Julia’s house, a postal worker surprises her on her porch. It’s a demon! The demon opens Julia’s mouth and in a disgustingly intimate shot, forces itself inside and possesses her again. UGH. It grabs the information she had about Jesse’s whereabouts and heads out to find him.

Jesse walks downstairs at night for a glass of water, only to be surprised by Cas. Oh, Cas is just there for late night ice cream sundaes, right? “I won’t hurt you,” Cas lies with a knife hidden behind his back. He corners Jesse and emotion cracks his face for the first time as he apologizes, then whips up the knife. Cas bby.

Dean and Sam burst in to save Jesse, only to find him alone. “Was there a guy here in a trenchcoat?” Dean asks. Jesse points to a toy on the floor. It’s Cas!

I do enjoy this moment. It’s both funny and a great display of Jesse’s powers and innocence. Later, Dean carefully sets Cas on the mantel. (#Symbolism) “Is he your friend?” Jesse asks. Yeah, Dean. Is he? “No,” Dean says hastily. Come on, Dean. You don’t want to be turned into an action figure, too? #ActionFigureBoyfriends

Dean whips out his inner nerd to talk to Jesse. Jesse has got superpowers, see? And it just so happens that Dean and Sam travel the world looking for kids with superpowers to be trained at a secret base in South Dakota. “Like the X-Men?” Hell ya, kid. If...the X-Men wasn’t set in a grand mansion and was instead set in a run-down used car lot. Actually, I would watch the hell out of that.

Jesse smiles at this thought, when Dean gets suddenly tossed against a wall. It’s the demon possessing Julia! She tells Jesse that the Winchesters lied to him, and that she’s his mom. Dean manages to burst out that she’s a demon before she does the psychic equivalent of a throat punch.

For Pinned to the Wall AGAIN Science:

“Everyone lied to you,” the demon tells him. His parents, the Winchesters… “You can do anything you want,” she says. She tries to tap into his anger and lights flare and a fire rages in the fireplace. “Imagine,” she says. “A world without lies.” OMG ANDREW DABB.

Sam admits (from his place pinned to the wall) that they lied. Jesse makes the demon “sit down and shut up,” so that Sam can explain what’s going on. Sam tells him about the apocalyptic war going on, and that the demons want to use him like a pawn. With a sentence, Jesse expels the demon from Julia. “Kid, you’re awesome,” Dean says.

Dean picks up the little trench coat action figure. “He’s kinda a buddy of mine,” Dean says. He asks for Cas to be turned back.

“He tried to kill me,” Jesse spits out. Fair point, though Dean insists that Cas is a good guy - just confused. Dean puts Cas back on the shelf, uh, literally.

Then he tells Jesse that they’re going to take him to Bobby to get trained. “What if I don’t wanna fight?” Jesse asks. GREAT QUESTION, KID. They tell him that demons will be coming for him. Jesse wants to go with his parents but Sam and Dean caution him that his parents might die. (Um. Shouldn’t the risk be their choice? This kid is tiny, cannot make rational choices, and I bet they love him enough to die for him. But ooooookay.)

Jesse heads upstairs to say goodbye to his parents. (I’m shocked that his parents are real and asleep since this is the first time we see them.) In his room, his eyes light upon an Australia poster on his wall.

Sam and Dean, after a long wait, head upstairs. “He’s gone,” Cas announces from behind them. CAS! Cas reports that the town has been set back to rights (mostly) and that Jesse has left. Cas looks repentant. Hmmm perhaps he’ll take this lesson and apply it several seasons later?? Sam finds a note on the bed. Jesse left to keep his parents safe.

Sam and Dean talk about Jesse and how they destroyed his life by telling him the truth about his origin and the apocalypse.

Dean muses, “I'm starting to get why parents lie to their kids. You want them to believe that the worst thing out there is mixing Pop Rocks and Coke. Protect them from the real evil. You want them going to bed feeling safe. If that means lying to them, so be it. The more I think about it...the more I wish Dad had lied to us.” Sam agrees with that sentiment wholeheartedly.

It’s Cas! Now with Real Quoting Action!

All it takes is someone talking about an itch, or thinking about one even, and suddenly you can't stop scratching.

That’ll do, pig!

These days, all they care about are their iPhones and those kissing-vampire movies.

So some freak is gonna come in my room while I'm sleeping and take my tooth? Sounds scary. No, thank you.

What do you know about demons?

You're Superman...minus the cape and the go-go boots.

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive! 

[alilacgalaxy]

More melee/tf2 headcanons (really freaking long sorry)

Melee kinda has a thing for Ms. Pauling. Doesnt like to admit it, but drunkily spits confessions to Demoman about it

Melee indeed prefers to be a cougar. (She may sometimes like older men/women)

Before melee goes to bed, she uses beauty creams, and facial stuff to make her look younger

Spy also takes part in her before bed pampering

Spy borrows melee's makeup and perfume at times. Sometimes her tights

Melee borrows his undershirts (never returns them)

Medic is a gay Jew (like me)

Melee is Pansexual

The Blu Engineer still has a thang for melee. Even after all these years

Blu engie still calls her son. After she left he stepped up and became a father figure to him.

On melee's son's birth certificate. Blu Engies names is on it. Due to melees ex husband not being there for the birth of his son. Engie claimed respondsibility of the child instead.

Blu engie, has visited her son countless times.

Saxton Hale and Pauling made a deal to help melee find her son.

Saxton hale bought melee her motorcycles to make ip for her car he destroyed.

The Melee's son's middle name is the Blue engies name

I decided to name the blue engie Marcus (mark for short) until canon comics confirm

Melee can make mean coffee drinks and teas due to her former job on owning a cafe

Melee can pick locks very good

Melee is fluent in Spanish, English, French, and knows a little greek

Even though Melee never graduated highschool. She is quite smart, and is the strongest in science. Melee dropped out from one of the finest private schools her parents could find.

Melee is kinda a compulsive liar.

Medic only knows melee before they were co workers is because when she was fleeing her husband, at the airport she saw him and the classic crew, gave them 10,000 bucks to cover her, and have medic heal her bloodied hand after her fingers were chopped off.

Melee has 3 fingers on her left hand.

Soldier still thinks Melee came from California. Due to her "Caramel skin and thick cali accent.."

The scout steals melee's tank tops at times

Red Sniper and Blue spy have relations *wink wonk* melee could care less.

Melee never snitches. She cant.

In melee's room. Hidden under the floor boards is a box of memories about her past life, ex husband, and blue spy.

Melee and Blu spy where engaged for a while.

Heavy has taken and used Melees grappler. And knows basic skill.

Medic is the only mercenary that has mastered melee's grappler.

Melee originally was supposed to be called "The Assassin" class. But melee sounded cooler for her.

One of melee's original melee weapons was supposed to be a sledgehammer. But she chose a tomahawk instead.

My headcanon ages are followed as such (youngest to oldest) UNTIL CANON PROVES YA BOY WRONG

Pyro: ????

Ms. P: 25

Scout: 27

Sniper: (heard in games he is 25..) 30

Melee: 40

Engie: 41

Soldier: 42

Demoman: 43

Heavy: 45

Spy: 47

Medic: 50

Pyro and Melee bake together

Melee has a hard time taking out sentrys

Sniper, has taken melees cowboy boots.

One of melees old jobs was she was a fire-eater. Still shows pyro old tricks.

Pyro has burn marks everywhere in the base

Melee knows how to play a double bass

Sniper hates spiders

Spy hates cockroaches

Medic hates bats

Heavy hates mice

Pyro hates clowns

Scout hates snakes

Demo hates horses

Solly hates crows

Melee hates wasps

A picture of Melee can be found in Pyros room

A picture of Medic can be found in Melee's room. Along with photos of Blu spy.

Pyro loves to mke candles

Melee's room is covered with candles

Heavy's favorite flower is the daisy

In case of emergency boxes of matches are hidden everywhere in the home base. For pyro

Melee has a box of coloring books and drawing things for pyro.

In my world until headcanonee Pyro is a transgender female named Jesse.

Pyro is Korean in my world until proved wrong in head canon

Under melee's pillow a butterfly knife is there because spy is overprotective.

There is a mattress under melee's bed complete with blanket, sheets, and pillow for pyro or any other visitor who decides to sleep in her room.

The mattress was placed there in the first place for Demoman. When he would passout after a night of drinking with her.

Medic joins in on drinking, a blanket, pillows line the floor in melee's closet for medic to go when he blacks out drunk.

Medic accidently locked himself in her closet for 1 day.

Sniper helps train melee with gun practice.

Melee always has a flask, and to-go bottle of hot sauce in her bra.

Melee's favorite drink is Pina Colada

Melee has a six-pack of cold ones under her bed as well

Engie can kick everyones ass in poker

Sniper is a badass at goldfish

Ms. Pauling likes when Melee flirts.

Melee sends Ms. Pauling flowers every now and then

Soldier takes melee's larger looser clothes for Zhanna. Melee doesnt mind.

Melee has a Tom Jones shirt scout gave her

Spy in his private rooms can be seen in sweatpants *gasp* and..a TSHIRT *GASP*

Medic hates pants

Sniper hates socks

Sniper only drinks Decaf coffee

Shockingly spy is a tea kind of man

Solly hates coffee

They all have a list on the fridge of the mercenarys daily chores

Engie and pyro are on dish duty

Scout and heavy are trusted with dusting, picking up garbage.

Demo and spy water plants

Medic and Melee do laundry and go grocery shopping

Solly and Sniper vacume, sweep, and mop floors

Heavy owns too many mixed socks. Never a pair that is the same.

K thanks for listening to my shitt late nighr head canons SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. IM BORED AND YEA

[the-kryomancer]

Who's Who in the Shimada-McCree Family

A/N: This is the family for my McHanzo domestic AU, I’m writing it along with a lot of other things. Please ask about the fam. They’re precious.

Hanzo:

The “strict” father.

Goes to all of his kids’ extra curricular activities.

Wakes the kids up for school.

“Yes, Weston. You need to go to school today.”

Is a big softie for Hatsu and Eiji.

Does most of the cooking.

Always worries about the kids when he’s away on missions.

Gives the older kids life advice.

Has all of their awards and certificates in a trophy case or hanging on the wall.

Lowkey brags about his kids.

Loves when his kids ask if they can meditate with him.

Makes the whole family go on yearly trips to Hanamura.

Loves taking the kids on camping trips.

He’s usually the only one actually getting the items on the grocery list.

“No, Jesse. We don’t need… denim scented candles?”

“Weston don’t climb that!!”

“Ana, Dominic. Where’s Eiji and Hatsu?”

Forces Jesse to come to all of the parent-teacher conferences.

Isn’t mad, just disappointed.

Encourages his kids to achieve their dreams.

Has to defuse any and all fights between Dominic and Ana.

Hates when the kids fight with each other.

Jesse:

Let’s his kids get away with just about everything.

Sneaks them candy before dinner.

And after.

Let’s them stay up late.

Even on school nights.

Makes breakfast while Hanzo wakes the kids.

Also makes their lunches.

Bakes a ton of sweets for the school bake sale.

Likes to flirt with the moms on the PTA to mess with Hanzo.

Hates going to parent-teacher conferences.

Probably tried to bribe the teachers to pass his kids at least once.

Isn’t disappointed, just mad.

When he’s away on a mission he calls the house every chance he gets.

“You kiddos okay?”

“Yes, dad. Same as when you called ten minutes ago.”

Best cuddles when it’s cold in the house.

Likes it when the whole family is snuggled up on the couch.

Always let’s any of the kids sleep in bed with him and Hanzo if they can’t get to sleep.

Gets everyone in the family hats and serapes matching his.

Along with the kids, begs Hanzo to let them get a pet.

Teaches the kids how to shoot a gun.

Always takes them to visit Reinpa and Grandma Amari and Grandpa Gabe.

Isn’t allowed to be alone with the younger kids for more than a few hours.

Reinhardt:

The fun grandparent.

“Reinpa” because his name was too hard to pronounce for the little ones.

Teaches Ana, Dominic, and Weston how to speak German.

Loves taking them to visit Germany.

Always bringing them stuff back from his travels.

Is a big teddy bear.

Always has at least one grandchild with him while he’s visiting.

Picks up the kids and puts them on his shoulders.

Let’s them climb him.

“Rein, be careful hE MIGHT FALL”

But seriously, will dote on his grandkids cause he’s a concerned Reinpa.

Highkey brags about them to anyone he meets.

Has pictures of them in his wallet.

Brings them sweets from Germany.

Ana Amari:

She’s the best at getting the kids to behave.

Is always able to get them to bed.

She secretly sleep darts them.

Loves taking Ana and Dominic to Egypt.

Teaches them Arabic if they want.

Cried when she heard her oldest granddaughter was being named Ana.

Loves being with the youngest ones.

Somehow manages to know when one or more of the kids is sick???

Makes the best tea and chicken noodle soup.

Is the go-to babysitter though.

Will drop everything to be with her grandkids.

Goes to every event for the kids.

Lowkey wants to take them home with her.

Teaches Dominic and Ana how to use a sniper rifle.

Goes to all of Dominic’s concerts.

Supports her grandkids.

Is the best grandma.

Genji:

Let’s Hatsu and Eiji play with his dragon.

Speaks to them in Japanese so they know their native tongue better.

Let’s Weston use his sword.

Gets in trouble for letting his nephew use his sword.

Insists he doesn’t have a favorite.

He does.

It’s Weston.

Loves to make them his favorite Japanese meals.

Loves to babysit his nieces and nephews.

Encourages Dominic to choose his own path.

Literally encourages him to rebel against Hanzo.

Is Hatsu and Eiji’s nightlight though.

But the kids refuse to hug him in the winter because he’s so cold.

Except for Hatsu.

She loves cold.

Highkey tried to take one of them home with him one time.

Hanzo and Jesse noticed two hours later that Weston was missing.

He takes them to the arcades all the time though.

Is the best as claw machines.

Wins Hatsu and Eiji whatever they want.

Tried to give Dominic Sake once.

If he heard Dominic or Ana has a date, lowkey follows them.

They still know he was following them.

Is jealous when one of the kids says Hanzo’s cooking is better.

Mercy:

Has known just about all of the kids since birth.

Was the pediatrician for all of them.

Still is for Hatsu and Eiji.

Literally is always doting over Weston.

Calls the house every week to see how Weston’s genetic therapy is going.

Makes sure all of the kids are eating healthy.

Has and will call one of the older kids out on their shit if they make her mad enough.

Is usually fairly patient though.

Gives extremely good advice.

Always gives them Swiss chocolate.

Helps Ana through her female problems since her house is full of males and the only other female is Hatsu who is five.

Sometimes stays the night if Weston is having a problem with his dyslexia and can’t do his homework.

Helps Weston through his low points about himself.

She’s always there to give words of encouragement.

Answers any questions they may have about medicine or treatments if they are sick.

Will stay at the house the entire time one of the kids is sick if she feels she needs to.

“Angela, you don’t need to-”

“Jesse, I am staying. Eiji has the flu, he needs me.”

Loves to take Hatsu and Eiji to the park.

If Ana or Dominic is mad at the other or their parents she lets them stay with her.

Is like the mom for the kids.

But she’s their aunt.

  Soldier 76:

“Grumpa”

Forgets their names half of the time

If he’s babysitting he’s either doing paperwork or sleeping.

Sometimes both.

Calls Weston “Mini McCree”

Fell asleep on the couch once.

He slept on the remote.

Gets Dominic and Weston confused sometimes.

Insists he’s the best grandfather though.

Lost Hatsu and Eiji at the mall once.

Everything is a challenge though.

Don’t let him get Christmas gifts.

He either wraps them in newspaper or doesn’t wrap them at all.

Lowkey loves his grandkids and brags about them to everyone.

Doesn’t let Gabriel or Jesse or Hanzo know he really does love the kids.

They do know.

Reaper:

Honestly, the best grandfather ever.

Takes his grandkids to the best restaurants.

Always insists he stay the night.

If he’s babysitting over night and Hatsu or Eiji wakes up from a nightmare he hums or sings to them.

Has conversations with Dominic in Spanish.

Loves to help the kids prank Jesse and Hanzo.

Took Eiji home with him once.

It was the best two hours of Eiji’s life.

He always manages to bring some kind of stuffed animal for Hatsu and Eiji.

He spoils his grandkids to death.

He bought them too many Christmas presents at one point.

He was put on a budget.

He could spend $300 on each kid.

He bought 600 stuffed animals from the dollar store, 300 for Eiji and 300 for Hatsu.

Makes all of the Halloween costumes for the kids.

Made matching costumes for everyone.

They were a Mariachi Band.

Always talks about how he’s the better cook.

Hanzo disagrees.

But Gabe makes all the traditional Mexican food for his grandkids.

Loves listening to Dominic’s music.

Sneaks so much candy to them.

They aren’t hungry by the time it’s dinner.

Loves to cuddle Hatsu and Eiji.

They’re always attached to his legs.

Gets the kids ice cream if they’re upset.

Has tons of pictures of his grandkids.

Shows everyone.

No matter where he’s at.

Ana Gabrielle:

The oldest kid.

Loves her siblings.

Sometimes not Dominic.

Loves her grandparents.

All of them.

You know how a lot of girls wanted to marry their fathers when they were young?

Ana wanted to marry her Aunt Mercy.

Lowkey loves rock music.

Highkey is obsessed with classical and instrumental music.

Loves animals.

Tried to bring a sloth home from the zoo.

Is secretly good at singing.

Meditates with Hanzo on a daily basis.

Honestly, has punched Dominic more than once.

Their fights get physical sometimes.

Ana is a badass though.

She secretly misses her mom.

Curses in Japanese when she’s frustrated.

Plays the piano and the drums.

Highkey loves spicy everything.

Is the best baker in the house, second to Jesse.

Halloween is her favorite holiday.

Insists she buys all of the Christmas presents by herself.

Makes Christmas dinner with Hanzo and Grandma Amari every year.

Stays up at night helping Weston with his homework.

Sleeps like four hours a night.

Help her.

But the biggest nerd ever.

Dominic:

Really sweet.

A hard ass.

But sweet.

Is closer to his Grandpa Gabe than anyone else.

Tells him everything.

Writes Spanish songs and plays them for his Grandpa Gabe.

Loves his Grandma’s tea.

Cranky if he doesn’t listen to music at least once a day.

Hates country music.

Obsessed with pens.

Has hundreds.

Prefers erasable ones.

Plays so many instruments.

RIP Hanzo and Jesse’s bank accounts.

Dyed his hair blue and green once.

Hanzo fainted.

Dominic regretted it.

Picture day was a week later.

Most Christmas spirit out of the whole family.

Sings Christmas songs every year.

Is the first person to wake up.

Buys the best Christmas presents.

Wants to be a musician.

Wants his own car.

Can barely afford his guitars.

Ditched school for his gigs.

Loves the rain.

Has run outside during a storm.

He got sick.

Loves to read books.

Fantasy specifically.

Weston:

Protect him.

Just wants to be happy.

Is really insecure about himself.

Loves his uncle Genji.

Steals Jesse’s hat a lot.

Likes to use his gun.

Eats fried chicken as a midnight snack.

Talks in his sleep a lot.

Shares a room with Dominic???

He likes to stay with his dads though.

Brags to Hanzo and his Uncle Genji that he has three dragons.

Thinks it’s funny to unleash them in school.

Loves playing video games.

Watches old west movies with Jesse a lot.

Likes to be called “Wild Weston”.

Hates the water.

Hates his dyslexia.

He loves his family a lot.

Loves being with his Grandma Amari and Grandfathers.

Doesn’t like it when his sister and brother fight.

Has fought a few kids at school though.

Sneaks cookies and brownies to school.

Eats ice cream for breakfast when his Grandpa Gabe is in charge.

Has a small crush on his aunt Fareeha.

Hatsu and Eiji:

Twins.

Hatsu is more outgoing then her brother.

They’re the babies of the family.

Get away with everything.

Love sugar.

Are very attached to their stuffed animals.

Practically share a room with their dads.

Eiji loves vanilla ice cream but Hatsu loves mint chocolate chip.

They hate pancakes but love waffles.

Christmas is their favorite holiday.

But they’re always the last ones awake.

Love school.

Have a lot of friends.

Loves to be with their Grandma Amari or their Grandpa Gabe.

Hatsu’s favorite color is blue while Eiji’s is orange.

Can’t sleep without a nightlight.

Love TV.

But they don’t watch it often.

Get tired really easily.

Hatsu is Hanzo’s favorite and Eiji is Jesse’s.

Are very creative.

Really energetic too.

Surprisingly love vegetables.

[kidsviral-blog]

Country Music Explained By People Who've Never Heard It

New Post has been published on https://kidsviral.info/country-music-explained-by-people-whove-never-heard-it/

Country Music Explained By People Who've Never Heard It

Watch in horror as four city slickers who are totally ignorant of country music encounter country’s biggest stars for the very first time.

View this image ›

Marianna Massey / Getty Images

This guy is one of the most successful musicians of the past couple years. He outsells Beyoncé.

Daniel: Shut up, no he doesn’t. He announces little league games. Joanna: Why isn’t Kanye coming after him?

What’s his name?

Joanna: Billy Baseball Cap. Daniel: Doug Something. Loryn: Jimmy. No last name, like Cher.

His name is Luke Bryan.

Loryn: I’ve literally never heard of him. Joanna: Me either.

View this image ›

Christopher Polk / Getty Images

Who are these guys?

Loryn: Are those rejected bachelors from The Bachelor? Daniel: They’re the Russian version of Joey, Chandler and Ross. Alana: Trip, Trent, and Trigger. Joanna: They’re the cover band for whatever Uncle Jesse’s band was on Full House. Alana: Vampire Threekend. Daniel: These have to be Rascal Flatts, right?

You are correct!

Daniel: I knew because those guys are old but try to look normal. Joanna: They do look like mail order husbands. Loryn: They look like they could all host a game show on Nickelodeon in the ’90s.

View this image ›

Michael Kovac / Getty Images

Who is this fella?

Daniel: That’s my roommate. Joanna: Is that Travis “Travvy” Travston? Alana: The southern version of Bon Iver. Loryn: Jim Galifianakis.

Here’s a hint: He’s friends with Dave Grohl.

Joanna: He’s Dave Grohl’s roommate. Daniel: Everyone is friends with Dave Grohl. I am in, like, four documentaries about Dave Grohl.

He’s Zac Brown from the Zac Brown Band. Do you have any guess to what he’s famous for aside from country music?

Joanna: His Etsy shop where he makes and sells crochet beanies like the one in this photo. Alana: He makes his own whiskey that got famous after it was on a show.

He’s actually famous for cooking barbecue.

Alana: No such thing. Famous for barbecue, ludicrous!

View this image ›

Rick Diamond / Getty Images

This couple is like the Beyoncé and Jay Z of country. Who are they?

Alana: Aaron James Kenny and Lila McGivern. Joanna: Carl and Linda, from down the street. Loryn: This is I know, Miranda Lambert and…….I forget the guy. Daniel: The guy is on The Voice. I think his name is Toby Taylor.

That’s Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton. Let’s switch it up. Can you fill in the blank in the lyrics to this popular song by Blake Shelton?

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Joanna: Emotions. Alana: Deer. Loryn: Their deepest fears. Daniel: Leaning in at the workplace. Joanna: Beers. Daniel: That video game where you shoot deer. Loryn: Gears!

Loryn is the closest. It’s “talkin’ ‘bout trucks.”

View this image ›

Rick Diamond / Getty Images

Who is this man?

Loryn: Someone from my high school. Alana: Coke Bloat Hatfield. That face has COCAINE written all over it. Daniel: Duff Meatsweats. Joanna: Cody Buffalo. Alana: I think Joanna is right.

His name is on his guitar. He’s Jason Aldean.

Alana: I thought that could be his biggest fan who is in the hospital. Joanna: I thought maybe Jason was a brand of guitar. “I only play Jason guitars, they just sound better.”

View this image ›

Ethan Miller / Getty Images

I don’t think there’s any chance you’ll guess this guy’s name correctly, but let’s try anyway.

Alana: Hooligan Trevortown. Joanna: Travis Peanut-Shells-Smith. Loryn: Bradley Cooper. Daniel: OK, this is kind of a long shot but is he also named Lenny Kravitz? Joanna: I like his attitude. He gives off positive energy.

His hits include “Home” and “Drunk On A Plane.”

Daniel: Oh hell yeah, “Drunk On A Plane!” Alana: We all been there. Joanna: I like to listen to “Drunk On A Plane” before I fall asleep at night.

His name is Dierks Bentley.

Daniel: Counter argument: No, it isn’t. Joanna: I refuse to believe his name is Dierks. Loryn: Typo on the birth certificate.

View this image ›

Larry Busacca / Getty Images

Who are these people?

Daniel: Jenny Mommy and the Mommy Babies. Joanna: The Woodshed Quartet. Alana: The Meemaws and Peepaws. Joanna: Easy Road Travis and the Easy Road Allstars. Daniel: The Chippewa County Electric Jamboree & Traveling Medicine Hour.

Well, you guys were close — they’re called Little Big Town.

Daniel: I was SUPER close as far as I am concerned.

View this image ›

Terry Wyatt / Getty Images

OK. Why is this man called “Bocephus”?

Daniel: Did he rescue Persephone from Hades? Loryn: He fancies himself kind of like a dinosaur? Alana: His name is Bo and if he sees anyone fussin’ in the crowd, he shames them with a guitar riff. Joanna: Bocephus is some species of bacteria that killed his father. That’s his stage name now.

Do you know who he is? Hint: his dad is more famous than he is.

Joanna: He’s Pancake Jerry with his signature very soft looking jacket. He looks like he knows how to get funky. Daniel: This is the football man. “Monday Night Football Let’s All Have A Time.”

Daniel is correct, that’s the football man. Hank Williams Jr.

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Why do people care so much about the Grand Ole Opry?

Joanna: The acoustics are just amazing. And they sell cotton candy. Alana: Dolly Parton had an orgasm there once. Daniel: I think it’s a famous radio show from the O Brother Where Art Thou days. Joanna: They let horses just run around in there. Loryn: It’s in Frontier Land in Disney World. Joanna: Madame Opry built it with her bare hands back a long time ago.

You are all right!

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Kevin Winter / Getty Images

Can you tell me who these guys are, and what they’re all about?

Alana: That’s Travis and Bryann. (The second “n” is silent.) They are two dads that love to rock when the wives are away. Joanna: I was gonna guess they were both named Travis. They look like they really love life. Daniel: I’m going to say they’re called The Texas Twins.

Well, they do have the name of a state in their name. This is Florida Georgia Line.

Alana: The big news here for me is that Georgia borders Florida. Daniel: Is one from Florida and the other from Georgia, like their gimmick?

That is correct!

Joanna: They had to cross state lines to meet? Daniel: Probably pretty mindblowing for their audiences!

What do you think the name of their biggest hit is?

Joanna: “Beer Time With A Friend.” Daniel: “Let’s All Drive (In A Truck).” Loryn: “Hot Girl Boots.” Alana: “Two Guys, One Girl, and A Car Wash Bathroom.”

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Who is this happy gentleman?

Alana: HOOTIE! It’s really him! Darius Rutgers! Daniel: That’s Darius Rucker a.k.a. Hootie but I didn’t know he played country music. Joanna: He betrayed The Blowfish.

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Rick Diamond / Getty Images

Who is this jacked dude? Taylor Swift once wrote a song about him.

Joanna: Mr. Joe “Tank Tops” McCoy. If he broke Taylor Swift’s heart I swear to God! Alana: Is that Ernest? I thought he was in jail. That guy has def been to jail. Daniel: I’m gonna say his name is Dirk Sawdust. He’s one of those guys who thinks he can pass for 25 and you really shouldn’t say anything.

His name is Tim McGraw. The song “Tim McGraw” is about him.

Alana: That guy married Faith Hill? This is an outrage.

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One last question. What happened to Garth Brooks?

Joanna: He drove a pickup truck into space. Alana: He was killed by Chris Gaines. Brutally murdered by his own invention, made sentient by the heart of rock n’ roll. “ROCK. BEATS. COUNTRY!,” he cried as the blade fell, making the rock paper scissors sign but with an air guitar.

Read more: http://www.buzzfeed.com/perpetua/country-music-explained-by-idiots