#so ive been having a mental breakdown all day by myself

[tsukidrama]

please like this post if you read the rant because im literally just screaming into rhe void and i need literally anyone to listen to me right now

the family member i was closest to for most of my life and who basically guided me through being a teenager and coming out just verbally degraded me for 10 minutes using the exact same trigger words that my abusive dad always did.

i typed out what happeneed 3 times in 3 different ways and it only makes me feel worse. there was a point in my life where she was my safe person. she was the person that i could go to whenever i didn't have anyone else to talk to or i felt like no one would listen to me. she has always gone out of her way to offer her home as a safe space for me no matter what has been going on in my life.

very very long story short, my grandma's health is declining because she has heart failure. my aunt does not take care of her own health and has had to undergo emergency surgery 3 times in the past year (2022). she is getting a knee replacement on Monday.

i don't want to give out too much information because of privacy reasons but basically my grandma is in heart failure. she's 79 years old and has a lot of other medical problems that generally make her very high risk in general.

basically my grandma has convinced herself that she absolutely needs to accompany my aunt to her knee surgery. and my aunt is just, letting it happen? even though my aunt has told me multiple times that having grandma in a car for long periods of time is very dangerous for her health. it's the reason i take an 8 hour fucking road trip to see her as often as i can.

all i said was "i gotta say that i'm really worried about grandma coming along with you when you have used the words 'very dangerous' to describe car trips for her."

these are the exact words that i used.

immediately it's like a flip switched. i didn't even have time to breathe before she started shrieking like a banshee telling me that i'm disrespecting her by saying that she can't take care of my grandma and disrespecting my grandma by saying that she can't do what she wants. she kept saying "well i'm sorry that you feel that way" a lot more shit that i'm not going to sit here and upset myself by typing out.

i've been crying on and off for almost 6 hours now. i don't know what i did wrong. i don't know what to do. i want my grandma to be a part of my life but my access to her is entirely through my aunt. i want to talk to my grandma about all of this but my aunt won't let me talk to her. i'm so fucking scared for her and i feel really helpless and triggered about things that happened with my dad.

i dont want to get into it fully but basically my dad lied to my face for years about the status of his health and instructed his doctors to reiterate those lies so i wouldn't find out. two days after my 18th birthday he signed me up as his new medical proxy and continued to lie to me about his health despite forcing me to sign legal documents that would give me power of attorney if he were to go unconscious and i had to make choices for him. i only found out that he was dying when he screamed "you need to do [whatever he was yelling about] because i'm dying!" in my face. he was.

cut to a few years later and i have now developed crippling anxiety when people tell me they're having issues with their health. there will always be a part of me that feels like i'm being lied to, or that someone is either overexaggerating or underexaggerating how bad their illness is to manipulate me. most of the time when i feel like this i can recognize it as anxiety. i really do feel like i've made a lot of progress regarding that, because i know that nobody besides my dad would lie to me like that.

she understood how i felt like the choices that my father made took that relationship away from both of us. everyone else tried to convince me to show my dad sympathy, but my aunt made a point to validate my feelings in that his "out of sight out of mind" mindset was extremely damaging and traumatic for me and my brother.

except for my aunt, now, apparently??? which really fucks me up because she knows how much it damaged me emotionally. our relationship began to deteriorate when i hit my early 20s and it became clear to me that she doesn't even try to take care of HERSELF. she knew her knees were bad but she didn't go to the doctor until she couldn't walk. she knew she had kidney and gall bladder problems but she didn't go to the doctor or attempt to change her diet until she literally went into organ failure and almost died from sepsis. sinks, bathtubs, countertops, lights, the oven. all have broken and she just, did not fix it! she and my grandma washed their hands in the bathtub for months until my brother came to visit and fixed it for her. instead of saying thank you she yelled at him that she didnt need help . just including this to help paint the picture of how bad at managing literally everything is. oh, and there was a week in the Louisiana summer heat where the AC broke and she waited a week before calling someone to fix it. A WEEK. IN THE LOUISIANA SUMMER TIME. A 79 YEAR OLD WOMAN.

now i just feel like. well who the hell is this cunt and what did she do with my aunt? why the fuck is she talking to me like this???? i haven't felt like this since i was a teenager. i'm angry that she feels comfortable putting my grandma's health at risk. i'm horrified by the way that she spoke to me. i'm disgusted that i ever thought it could emotionally connect with someone who is related to my dad.

there are more reasons that we have grown apart (including a recent interest in alt-right conspiracy theories) but overall it was important to me to have a relationship with the people in that house because they're the only one left on that side of the family. so i would bite my tongue because i knew she wasn't actually going to change. she would just brush it off. but it's different when you're letting my grandma put herself at risk. and why? "because grandma wants to come"

well personally i would rather grandma be mad than dead. but apparently expressing this is extremely rude and i am a "nasty little girl that needs to learn her place"

if it wasn't for grandma i would have already gone no contact. it would hurt me a lot to cut them off but i feel the red flags popping up more than ever. aunt won't let my grandma talk to me for more than a minute or two and when i see her in person she won't let me back into her bedroom. i have caught aunt in multiple lies concerning covid safety, hanging around meth users, and an abusive ex-husband of the woman who lives with her (don't even get me started).

it doesn't seem like a possibility for me to stay in my grandma's life when i've gone no contact with her caretaker. all i want to do is talk to her. i don't know what to do. i don't want her to die. she's the only grandparent i have left and i already rarely see her because she lives so far away. all my other family is dead.

it genuinely shocks me how well people can hide their true colors. if this bitch kills my grandma i will never let her forget about it until the day she dies.

[girl-bateman]

Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍

[mrfoox]

Uh you ever.... Feel okay or pretty decent and then you remember your lifes circumstances and then you're at the verge of tears?

[loutrem]

.

[orcelito]

Messaging my group asking to reschedule our meeting we were planning for tonight bc I got a cog knocked loose and I think any more fucking socializing today will just about drive me insane.

[toastsnaffler]

yet another evening of cooking showering then sitting at my desk and sniffling miserably for 2 hours bc I can't work up the motivation to click open any of the hundreds of videogames or movies or drawing wips or literally any kind of enjoyable activity on my laptop and then going to bed at 9:30 before i throw myself off the roof

[thebibliosphere]

Hi there, ive come from your post about ADHD and emotional disregulation, firstly thank you so much for putting it into words, its such a complicated part of how i deal with emotions and i havent ever been able to articulate how to why.

Secondly, in that post you mentioned how you've used stress as a motivator and how eventually your stress regualtion broke, i was wondering if you'd be willing to talk about that? (If not, its not a problem)

I feel like the same thing has happened to me but until i read your post i had no idea that something had... snapped? I suppose? I struggle with motivation all the time and in the past id have a week or a few days left and id be able to suddently push myself very hard to complete whatever it is before the deadline, just barely making it in most cases. However now it seems that i can't find that motivation anymore, deadlines come and pass and i can't being myself to work on anything, and i just end up spiralling into shame and guilt. That motivation was the only thing that I was able to rely on sometimes for things like uni, and i conviced myself that it was just me growing lazy or trying to get out of responsibility as to why the "last minute panic-mode" doesnt work anymore.

Again, if you don't wanna tackle this can of worms or if it's something youd rather not post online i totally get it, its no biggie! thanks so much for making the original post as well, it means a lot

Hello friend, thanks for the message. I'm sorry you're also dealing with this.

The good news here is that I've already talked about this using the rubber band analogy my therapist gave me. (Stress is like a Rubber Band)

If you don't have the mental bandwidth to read all of it now, the tl;dr is "stress is like a rubber band; it can stretch to hold numerous things in place when you need to, but if you do it too often or keep adding more and more strain under the band, the elastic eventually becomes brittle and snaps, taking your mental and sometimes physical health with it too."

I've been in intensive therapy for this for roughly three years now, and trying to piece my brain back together after my last bout of stress-induced productivity gave me a total mental breakdown.

It's... odd not being able to use stress and having to actively avoid it to avoid a relapse. But it is doable. Medication would help, but alas, I've got weird health issues and am unmedicated at the minute.

(And just in case that sparks anyone to go, "Oh, you do all this unmedicated! Wow, that's so inspiring!" as sometimes parents do to me on here as they then tell me they don't want to medicate their kids, I've unfortunately also written a post about what that kind of success looks like from an unmedicated perspective and the kind of suicidal ideation I deal with on the regular because I cannot take meds. It is not pleasant reading, but it is necessary for some folks, specifically anti-med, "if you just tried harder" people.)

A book you may find helpful is Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. It was very validating for me to read about other people going through the same things, and made me feel less of a "this is a personal failing on my part" and more of a "Oh okay yeah, no stress literally breaks people."

It helped soothe some of my own internalized "I just need to try harder" and helped cement me on the path I was already going down with my ADHD therapist toward changing how I view myself and how I manage my ADHD.

I hope that helps! If you've got more specific questions or I didn't touch on something in my old post, I can try to answer them :)

[kvrokasaa]

karasu comforting overachiever!reader with a lot of anxiety?

my exams are around, ive cried 6x and had a mental breakdown in 3 days. and im a good student at heart but not on paper. im trying😭

take care! love❤️

I can relate to this sm, I promise myself that I’ll study but then it gets late n all I wanna do is sleep lmfao. But I hope you’re doing alright, love. Remember to drink lots of water and eat lots of food! And take breaks when studying so you don’t get headaches!

Sorry I posted this so late, but here it is.

Cw: crying, fluff, comfort, friends to lovers, cursing, not proofread. lmk if i missed any!

Wc: 1.1k

Overachiever!

Karasu is like your best friend, he’s always been there for you and promises he always will. Even when he left for a program called Blue Lock, he still managed to talk to you. Especially when you were going through a nasty breakup with your ex. He has always been there for you.

Something Karasu noticed over the years of being your friend; you’re an overachiever and a perfectionist. You have to get good grades, it’s like it was hard-wired in your brain since you were a child. If you didn’t get a good grade, even on a test that was optional or didn’t have any impact on your overall grade, you would feel so ashamed and full of anxiety. You were afraid of your teachers hating you, honestly, you’re just afraid of authority figures. You would always try to hide your feelings behind a fake smile, and sometimes it worked. But this time it didn’t.

You were in your room studying, all day long. No matter how many times people tried to pester you, or ask you to take a break, you would decline and go back to studying. You needed to get a good grade. You had stayed up all night long studying and going over the crucial information that would be on the final.

So why? Why do you have an 84% on your final? Why isn’t it at 100? Other people congratulated you, saying that the test was really hard. But you know that Mia, the top student, got the perfect score without even trying.

You tried this year, you really did. You made a resolution that you would try your hardest this year; that you wouldn’t give up so easily like last year. And you know that bad habits die hard, but you were doing so well. Even though this isn’t your last year, you feel like you failed at school.

‘Take a deep breath. Failure is the one pathway to success.’ Karasu’s words came floating into your mind. But you could still feel the onslaught of the tears and the tightness of the pain in your chest. You tried to take a deep breath but it wasn’t enough, it felt like all the oxygen in the world just vanished.

You don’t know how you got home, all the memories of the people saying ‘Good job’ and ‘Don’t beat yourself up, you did better than me’ are the only ones you can remember. All you want to do is crawl into your bed and cuddle your stuffed bear while you cry. But you have to study more; you have to study for your next classes. You can’t just give up because of one class. Oh but how badly you want to.

A sudden knock on your door pulled you from your thoughts. “Come in.” You cringed at the crack in your voice, quickly you straightened your posture and pretended to be okay.

But all of that faux hope and happiness faded away when you saw the unmistakable blue eyes. The tears came rushing back, along with the shaky breaths.

Karasu walked over to your desk and smiled down at you. “Hey, just wanted to stop by,” his hand raised, revealing a bag with your favorite restaurant name. “I brought your favorite.” His voice died down, almost to a whisper when he saw your tears.

You quickly wiped them, but the red streaks were still there. He sighed and sat down on your bed. “It’s okay, Y/n. Stuff like this happens, don’t worry about it too much.” You shook your head. “No, I should worry about it,” he raised a brow. “Why?”

You felt a little agitated because he couldn’t understand. Of course he couldn’t, he’s always been the type of person to get good grades without even trying. Knowing him, he probably slept through most of his classes and still got a 95 or higher on his final. Typical Karasu.

“Because who would I be if I don’t have good grades? I know that grades don’t matter much in the world, but I’m the one who feels the shame. I’m the one who has to remember what it feels like to try your hardest and still fail.” You felt like pulling your hair out, breaking things, just something to ease your mind. To ease the pain.

He brings his hands up to your cheeks, squishing them a little which brings a smile to his face. “Remember what I always tell you. ‘Failure is a pathway to-’ ” “To success. I know that, but still,” You move your head, making him release his grip. “I don’t want to fail, I don’t want people to remember me as the person who always failed.” Your voice was almost higher than a whisper, but he still heard you loud and clear. Karasu could hear and feel the pain from your voice.

“You-” you release a shaky breath, trying to calm yourself down. “You wouldn’t understand.”

‘Ironic’ he thinks, you’re the one who’s not understanding. A simple grade doesn’t define who you are as a person.

“Y/n look at me.” He grabs your face, “You are doing your best, you’re trying your fucking hardest and I’m so proud of you for that. You’re way smarter than what people give you credit for.” You try to shake your head, but his grip on your jaw tightens. “No. I don’t want to hear you deny anything. You need to understand that it’s okay to fail, it’s okay to feel helpless after a bad grade. But it’s not okay to beat yourself up. Don’t worry too much about how this grade, which is a passing grade, will affect your future.”

Karasu pulls you in for a hug. You close your eyes and bury your face in his chest. “You’re in the present right now, not the future. And I’m sure the future you are a CEO; trust me I can see it.”

You both laugh at his words. You sniffle and look up at him, “thank you, I really needed that.” He nods his head; his eyes looking from your eyes to your lips. “Anytime, I mean it.”

This is what you expected, a lecture and comfort from Karasu. It’s what you wanted. But what you didn’t expect was his lips on yours. Before you could enjoy the moment, he pulled back and smiled down at you. “Safe to say that I think you return my feelings,” your eyes darting everywhere but his and your little nod was a good enough answer for him. “And as much as I want to kiss you again. Our food is getting cold.” He pulled you down onto the bed along with the bag of food. “Let’s eat.”

[peachesofteal]

RAAAAAAAAH CHAPTER 13 BRO!!!!!

as always, i read it like a rabid animal, and then reread the prev 4 chapters and then reread this again HAHA

your work ages like fine wine, and i read and treasure every word of it, especially on rereads when i can make myself slow down to really take it all in <3

"He takes it all away. Every time." made me WEEP!!!!! its what she DESERVES!!!! the dependability and the escape into him and simon (simon takes charge obvs, but johnny is just as much an outlet. sweet sweet boy)

i think he also realizes that she's seeing it as escapism and starts to fall away a bit, bc of how he stops her and asks to check in. it makes me curious abt his and simon's early relationship, if he's recognizing the same pattern of behavior and comparing them.

going on with that, when she was showing them her scars, AUUUUUUGH. that hit so hard man. the “No but… they’re hideous.”

“No.” Simon croaks, voice thick. “There isn’t a single part of you that isn’t perfect.”

SIMOOOOOOOON he sees so much of himself in her. its gotta be heartbreaking, knowing she's where he used to be. he gets it fr. i cant imagine two people more suited for her, someone who's been where she is and got out, and the person who's helped get that someone out of that pit. fuck dude. you're so good at this HAHAHA

im not gonna say nothin abt the good girl stuff…. but heehee!

also also "I'm not a little human nurse" made me laugh so hard LMAO pure arizona from grey's. ive been watching it lately (started right before you started posting simple math actually) reading the hospital bits of SM, you do a really good job of capturing the same energy and stakes and work dynamics that you get watching grey's. im honestly still waiting for the other shoe to drop on the stupid attending marshall, there's always something that a shitty attending can mess up down the road lmao

the ending on this chap killed me though. they knew she was flighty, and that she's smart and capable, but its gotta be so hard to get the relief of her coming back after the day out without answering the phone, only to find the papers the next morning. in bunny's defense though, she mentioned in chapters before moving in (i think before graves hurt her?) with them that she had to start looking at outs, and these papers aren't a 2-day turnaround; she probably bought them weeks ago and only now picked them up. i could be wrong though! i think its unfortunate timing, but she also probably just wants the relief knowing that she's got the backup plan accessible. as much as she loves the boys and penny, she's still not used to having the dependability. the safety scares her, or at least gives her the idea of a false sense of security, since she's been on edge for so so long.

i give her big smooch. poor bun. poor boys, and poor penny. manifesting the worst for graves, truly, rot in hell you idiot american

i hope you're feeling better, its lovely to read your works but even better when you're doing well yourself ❤️❤️❤️

I loved reading this! I adore you.

I love how you noticed that Johnny does stop to check in. He has a very firm grip on her mental and emotional state, (it’s not his first rodeo) and he knows just how to bring her back.

The two of them + Bunny is really a dream come true even if she doesn’t realize it yet (they do) and it will take a lot of time and work on everyone’s part.

I think your notes in your last paragraph are pretty spot on, too. Bunny will talk about it more in the next two chapters but- getting a new identity is not a two day turnaround.

Also yeah, I was channeling Arizona with that line 💀 I was hoping someone would catch it!

10/10 I love your breakdowns, no notes, perfection, they always make me smile.

[lovingmattysposts]

if you dont mind me speaking my mind and speaking to you as a friend<3

i am in a position that i currently hate, one of my closest friends have been talking to my twin sister (my code name being "lemon") about how flirty and annoying ive been to somebody that she likes; Jacob (she doesnt know that i like him too). the fucking fact that i hate is that has been going on for fucking a month and a half but shes (twin sis) now telling me the shit. my parents havent been good either, tumblr has been my only escape and reading ur fics have truly been comforting. Being through 2 breakups already was hard, but feeling like im losing my best friend is harder. my room has been a mess my mom has been yelling at me and i dont know what to do. ive been on tumblr in secret knowing my parents wont accept for reading this it, ive been having mental breakdowns 2 times in each month and asking myself questions like "am i not good enough?" "am i not good enough lilly(my "friend")?

"im not good enough for her" "i have nobody to talk to no one to hold either; they'll pity my feelings." "i dont even know these people online but i js feel like i can talk to them and they'll understand."

if u decide to answer this i really appreciate that you read this,

xoxo riri</3

Hey! I had a hard time understanding the first part, but here’s the thing. Do what makes you happy, cut out what you don’t.

I understand that it can get hard when things all happen all at once, it can be overwhelming but you just have to point out all of the good things in your life—-right it down if you have to just so you can remember.

Putting your happiness in someone else is never the way‼️‼️ because if they cross you, it can feel like your world is ending.

Take one day at a time, do one thing at time, I love you.

[houseofbrat]

For the record, I wish Kate well and a speedy recovery for whatever problem she has been admitted to The London Clinic for.

Because I do not believe for one second that she was admitted for "abdominal surgery." That was "planned." And needs to be in the hospital for 10-14 days, even though it's "non-cancerous."

Once you've eliminated surgeries related to cancer, then you've eliminated a whole bunch of surgeries that have long recovery times.

Hernia surgeries don't require three months of "recovery," and in the US, they certainly don't require you to be in the hospital (aka germ factories) for 10-14 days.

I suppose being in the hospital on iv antibiotics for a diverticulitis procedure is a possibility, except that the recovery from any kind of diverticulitis surgery is A LOT LESS than three months.

Easter is on 31 March 2024. Saying she won't do any public duties UNTIL April is two and a half to three months of "recovery."

And no, hysterectomies do not take that long to recover from.

Just ask Camilla.

12 APRIL 2012 The Duchess of Cornwall is to have a hysterectomy, it was announced last night. Camilla will undergo surgery to remove part or all of her womb at the beginning of next month. She will spend around four days in hospital then a further six weeks recovering. The 59-year-old duchess will still go on a ten-day visit to the Gulf states with Prince Charles, beginning next Monday. It is thought royal gynaecologist Marcus Setchell will carry out the operation at the private King Edward VII Hospital for Officers in London soon after she returns. She has cancelled a string of engagements.

That's right.

Clarence House announced when Camilla would be out of the public eye BEFORE the surgery happened. Not after she was admitted to the hospital.

Somehow Kate's "abdominal surgery" was "planned," yet William's entire schedule needs to be reworked all of the sudden? As in, announcing today that he needs to not do any public duties for a certain period of time until Kate is okay at home. Hey, it's not as if Kate has two parents who are retired. Two siblings. Other relatives. Or a nanny. Housekeeper. Other staff. Etc.

Because if this really was a "planned" surgery and not a sudden emergency, then why were KP comms teams leaking a trip to Rome less than a month ago?

And Russell Myers was leaking that Will & Kate were going to go abroad to visit the British military LAST WEEK???

Someone isn't being honest about what is going on, and it's definitely not me.

It sounds to me that The Princess of Wales had a nervous/mental breakdown and needed to be hospitalized. Except that they can't say that, so they're going with "planned" "abdominal surgery."

Because if it really was "planned" and not cancerous, then why wouldn't William be able to do an engagement here or there over the next few weeks? If the KP comms team is going to pretend that this is just a routine surgery--not urgent or emergent--then why is their behavior NOT matching the statements?

Crown Prince Haakon does engagements even when his wife, Crown Princess Mette-Marit, has been ill.

Prince Albert works even when Princess Charlene has been ill.

But William's ENTIRE schedule needs to be reworked even though Kate's parents are retired and she has two siblings nearby and other friends and relatives? (And and other helpers...)

Yup. There is another announcement coming soon.

Not one that anyone else in the world is expecting--well, except for @mysteriouslytransparentwitch and myself.

It's that Dragon energy already coming in even though the lunar new year doesn't start until 10 February. That Green Dragon is bringing lots of surprises with it.

Super cold in the USA. Volcanic eruptions in an area of Iceland that hadn't had anything in 800 years.

And Princess Basement Baby!

Because Wales fandom ARMAGEDDON is almost upon us.

And is the Wales fandom prepared for it? Nope.

[atlasscrumpit]

Patient Reader x Doctor Miguel Part 2

(Part 1 here)

Unfortunately your time in solitary was lasting longer than usual, after all you had broken a doctors ribs.

It had been one week already, they had doubled your medication and weren't giving you as much food.

You hasn't seen Miguel in six days, but finally he entered and you looked up and smiled tiredly.

"Is Miggy..." You muttered as he looked at you with worry.

He knelt down to where you were sitting on the floor.

"Hey, focus on me, Y/N." He said as he lifted your chin a little and looked into your eyes.

He noticed your eyes weren't focusing, you had gotten thin and your skin was pale.

"I think we need to get you to the medical ward." He muttered as he managed to pick you up in his arms and carried you out.

He knew something was seriously wrong, usually if he didn't see you for a few days you would've run up and acting like a puppy seeing its human for the first time.

"I'm hungry." You whispered as Miguel looked down at your pale face.

"I know, I'll get you some food soon." He whispered as he walked to the infirmary and laid you down.

He hooked you up to an IV and started to check you over and messure your vitals.

"How often did they bring you food, Y/N?" He asked while doing other things.

"They gave me a bit of food once a day with some water." You muttered as Miguel looked at you in horror.

"Fuck... I know you did something wrong but they legally can't fucking starve you." He growled in anger as he brushed your hair out of you face.

"You should start feeling a bit better soon, I'm just going to go talk to someone and get you food, okay?" He said as you looked up weakly and nodded.

--

After a few minutes Miguel returned with some basic food.

He sat beside you and sighed.

"Something wrong?" You muttered as he looked at you sadly.

"They want to transfer you to a more secure hospital." He muttered as you looked at him.

"No... No, please. Please don't let them take me." You whispered as you started to cry softly...

"I'm not going to." He replied making you stare at him in shock.

"The place they're sending you is even less humane than this one." He muttered as he looked at you and sighed.

"I can't believe I'm doing this..." He whispered, you continued to look at him.

"What's going to happen to me?" You whispered as Miguel rubbed his face.

"I'm going to regret this, but I'm going to take you home with me. After some time they'll stop looking because you don't have family and you were a patient." He said as you slowly sat up.

"Why...why would you do that?" You muttered as Miguel looked down and slowly took your hand.

"None of this is your fault, you grew up in a terrible environment and never had anyone on your side. Mental illness doesn't mean you need to be locked away and punished... I'll be able to keep you medication stable myself and I can keep you safe there." He said as you felt tears in your eyes.

"We can be a family." You said making him chuckle softly.

"Yes, we can. But, firstly you need to get better. I'll keep you here for the next two days while I plan how to get you out of here, okay?" He asked as you nodded excitedly.

--

It had been two months since Miguel had taken you, after a week they stopped looking, which was quite sad but good for Miguel and you.

He had expected the worst when he had done this, but it was like you were an entirely different person.

You had less breakdowns and you were controlling your emotions so much better. Maybe you felt safe here and with a bit of freedom you no longer felt like just a number in a psych ward.

Miguel had quit his job last week and decided to take a bit of time off before finding another one.

He came home after getting groceries and found you cleaning the kitchen, he chuckled softly.

"Hey, you don't have to clean up if you don't want." Miguel said as you saw him, you gasped and ran up to hug him tightly.

"I missed you!" You shouted making him laugh, he hugged you back.

"I missed you too, Y/N. I got some snacks so we can watch a movie together." He said as you grabbed the bags and began unpacking them.

Once you were done you grabbed the snacks and sat on the couch like an excited puppy.

Miguel sat beside you and turned a movie on as he sighed and took off his shoes.

You cuddled into his side as the movie began, Miguel wrapped his arm around you and you sighed softly.

"When are we going to have sex again?" You asked as Miguel groaned.

"Y/N, you can't just ask that out of the blue." He grumbled before you pulled away, you straddled his legs and wrapped your arms around his neck.

"Come onnnn. We're a little family now, you're the big daddy that takes care of everything and I'm the mommy that stays home." You said as Miguel looked at you.

"Y/N, I think it'll complicate things." He muttered as you pouted.

"Why don't we just kiss then?" You asked leaning in as you moved your hips a little.

"It'll feel so good... Remember the first time? I was so tight and you were so big inside of me, it felt so good." You whispered as you began kissing his neck.

He sighed softly and rested his hands on your hips.

"I don't want to do anything to trigger you, love." He said as you looked at him.

"I feel safe with you, Miguel." You whispered as his hand went into your hair and gently pulled you firward to kiss you.

You pulled away and giggled softly.

"Is that a yes?" You asked, wiggling your hips a little.

"Yes, baby. Come here."

[bimbo-toy]

A Training Plan

CW brainwashing, bondage, torture

Locked away in total sensory deprivation. Completely covered in thick latex. An iv for fluids and nutrients, a catheter for waste. No touch, no smell, no vision. Maybe sedatives to make me more receptive. And absolutely no noise at all for a full 24 hours. Enough to make me lose track of time and longer.

Putting me on the edge of madness, desperate for anything to interrupt the nothing. Then when I’m pliable and desperate, you get to install new thoughts. A track of mantras is welcome after the silence. “You are nothing without your master”... over and over... for hours... “you are nothing without your master"... And I’ll know its true. The nothingness was terrible. Your voice saved me from nothingness.

Then quiet again. The terrible silence. I scream and wail, but i cant even hear myself the sound proof ear coverings are so good. Hours pass again to remind me how terrible nothingness is. Then finally... “you are nothing without your master”. I'm sobbing, so grateful. I’m held tight but in my mind I’m nodding and crying and begging and thanking you. Yes master! Yes thank you master. I’m nothing without you! Thank you master!

Silence returns. More sobbing. Noooo... but the silence doesn’t last long this time. It’s interrupted by a shock. The worst pain I have ever felt. It’s everywhere, I cant tell where the electrodes are, my entire body burns, convulses, stiffens. I cant breathe until it passes. Then ragged heavy panting...

Your voice returns. “Pain is better than nothingness” I’m not sure. Somehow you know. Maybe your watching, maybe its programed. Hours of silent nothingness until i break. The shock again. 10 seconds of agony. 5 minutes of trying to recover. Your voice... “pain is better than nothingness”. I’d nod if i could yes master, yes please please, pain is better than nothingness!

The silence returns for a minute. I start to lose it. i cant handle the nothingness. I’m mentally fractured. No idea how long its been. If nothingness comes back, I know I’ll lose it, I’ll have a complete breakdown. Your voice returns. You give me a choice, “pain or nothingness?” I eagerly beg for the pain, the shock.

You grant it. Agony, writhing misery. When it passes I thank you. Just a muffled grunt but you know. “Pain or nothingness” you ask again. I choose pain, and you supply it. Over and over... until it sinks in. Until you get bored. Then the lesson again... “pain is better than nothingness” repeating on a loop. Endless hours pass. Random shocks... “pain is better than nothingness”... I pass out and I’m shocked awake. “Pain is better than nothingness”...

Then i stay out, unconscious from the strain but enough drugs to make sure I stay that way. I wake up back in my room and start my normal day. You never talk about it and I never mention it. Like it never happened. Did it even really happen? I’m not sure...

But I know, in my soul, that pain is better than nothingness and that I am nothing without my master. Its written deep inside me. It’s the core truth of my existence.  I would sooner question that the sun rises in the east. I am nothing without my master and pain is better than nothingness. And from then on I’m a much better toy for you...

[fairycosmos]

do you ever feel like you know you need therapy but you feel like it won't work on you? like i've had Problems since i was a child and i've been on the internet long enough to research and learn most if not all the most common tricks and tips that a therapist would give me so i feel like, apart from maybe giving me meds, it would be a colossal waste of money.. i still know that i need help somehow because i've been rawdogging life for the past 25 years and im Tired, but it feels pointless to spend more money than i have for someone to tell me i need to get away from my abusive family and ~ practice mindfulness ~ lol

absolutelyyyy ive had this feeling and honestly i think meeting therapists you're incompatible with only intensifies that thought process like.....ive had these lifelong problems and you want me to spend my hard earned money that could be going to rent or food on some stranger that is telling me to breathe through my deeply rooted illnesses? it absolutely IS frustrating and i think your feelings of discouragement/burnout/exhaustion are completely understandable. the field of psychology has so many fucking issues that are fed directly into how MH professionals work with patients. im not even sure i have like an answer or a solution to it because i struggle with this exact same thing!

but i guess what i would say is that its important not to discredit the fact that every therapist works differently and every counselling experience is wildly different. you may very well know all the common tricks and tips for dealing with your specific state of mind (i totally agree btw, the internet had made me extremely hyperaware of my own mental issues for better and for worse LOL), but there is always something solid to be offered when you find a professional you feel comfortable talking to, who offers an outsiders insight. even if it's just getting a weight off your shoulders for that one afternoon. therapist shopping is extremely expensive and obviously inaccessible to most, so im not suggesting that - i guess my main point would be don't give up on ALL forms of mental health support available in your community hust because working with a few professionals didn't work out, bc it's so so common and it doesn't mean youre doomed or beyond help. you will always deserve that space to talk and to feel heard, even if you can half-guess what they might tell you in response. it's unfathomably difficult to find a strong, consistent therapist that you bode well with (i would give anything for one LOL) but i do think they're out there and that there are useful tools to be found in therapy or counselling or even just reaching out and being vulnerable in general. what i have tried to accept recently is that asking for help isn't going to solve any of my problems - it is not going to make things normal or easy because i have a neurodivergent brain and i have truly been traumatised. it is just gonna give me the tools and the suggestions i need to get through the day. and i still haven't found that myself - but i think it's likely that it's out there. and it's a step up from rawdogging life, if not a solution to life itself.

im sorry, i know this is not the perfect example or anything close to it. i myself breakdown often because i feel like it's so hopeless and difficult and relentlessly painful. but i urge you to always be open to accepting help if and when it is in front of you. even if it seems pointless. sending a massive hug your way. X

resource / resource/ resource / resource

[babymorte]

What are YOUR thoughts on Maria's design?

okay okay okay ive gotten a lot of people asking my my thoughts on the silent hill thing and i just haven’t gotten around to replying im sorry that i haven’t gotten around to it so im just gonna put all my thoughts here if that’s okay??

*also spoilers*

to answer your question first..! i don’t hate her? she looks like a mix between kristen bell and ashley in re4 remake honestly…like they made her look too likeable? you’re not necessarily supposed to kil her? like there’s always something kind of off about her but you don’t know what kind of thing in the original…this maria i would trust with my life. like im not mad about it not even a little…she just oooks like a lost kid not someone whose meant to seduce someone? i get why people are upset but it’s not like ada in re6 bad so i don’t really have any complaints !

for the game as a whole? absolutely pumped i am so beyond excited and i am SO SO SO proud of bloober because you can tell they really are putting their all into this game. they haven’t really shown eddie yet though so im kind of worried about how they’re gonna change him cuz his mental breakdown scene is brutal and like they need to treat it carefully i think…

angela looks great and im wondering if they’re going to make her assault actually canon since thats always just been a fan theory. i definitely think there’s going to be backlash on some of the themes from people who don’t know how fucked up the game actually is and I’m sure they’ll blame bloober 😅 ur everything looks so good. the fog looks great, the lighting is spot on, it looks absolutely beautiful…they’re using the same dialogue?? like i really do think this is a game for the fans as much as it is a blatant cash grab and konami being ever the opportunist as they always are but like there’s been so much to look out for and compare between this remake and the og that fans who like that stuff are gonna have a freaking field day (totally speaking for myself here). Im very excited. I’ve been excited since it was first announced like bloober is one of my fave devs i want this to do well so badly you have no idea.

as for the rest of the transmission there’s a lot of collectibles i want but it’s kind of annoying there’s no collectors edition and you have to buy everything separately? like it is konami after all so im not surprised but like come on you know they’re all expensive as hell. honestly all the merch is pretty dope!

and the movie?? im so excited like we don’t need a sh2 movie but im gonna love it im sure. i love the first silent hill even though the story is changed so drastically because there IS enough subtle fan service in every scene for you to look for on top of the blatant ‘come see our movie cuz pyramidhead is in it’ fan service (which you know was a studio decision to put him in) but like such care was given to the first movie because the director is a fan of the games like an actual fan and you can tell! just like paul anderson with the first two resi movies (i will die on this hill) like i have so much faith return to silent hill will be good!!

like i know im getting more excited than i should be because its konami we’re talking about here. they’re bound to fuck it up somehow but I’m really hoping for once they’re using their heads and we’re gonna get some good silent hill content 🙏🏻🤞🏼

[alucart]

y'all mind if i ramble at 3am

so. i started working at macys back in october. im a seasonal worker then. work was busy almost constantly bc hey, holiday season. the lines are busy. i have to constantly deliver packages w/e. it wasnt that bad? even when it was black friday or we had friends & family it did not feel bad. sure i felt a little strained bc no free time but i was like at least i have something to put on my resume!

so then its the end of my seasonal schedule. im like yeah im done w/ this. its fine. i start looking for work while im unemployed. didnt get the unemployment ok w/e. having better control of my spending. my moms bday comes and goes. its all good. my mental health is great! i get a call from my manager asking if i want a full time position. part of me is like. dont do it. other part of me is like. go for it.

i go for it. its like the worst mistake ever. customers are somehow more ruder and impatient than when it was the holiday season. my hours are fucking awful because im full time. like seriously, 40 hours a week when im only getting paid 17 an hour?!?! one week i had 50 hours and i had a fucking breakdown on my day off and now i have panic attacks before i have to go to work. i took a mental health day last week or something bc i just couldnt do it anymore. my spending habits got Worse. like genuinely.

i have a hard time paying my bills its like awful lol. im bipolar so like, its not helping. i find it hard to finish up things i needed to finish months ago. and to top it off, i can find myself unable to control my anger, something ive been decent at controlling but now the customers are actually pushing me to my limit. like im sorry but if youre gonna treat me like a doormat you have another thing coming.

also the fucking customers!!!!!! i wish people would read!!!! stop arguing with me!!! READ!!!! DONT ARGUE WITH ME WHEN I TELL YOU TO GO TO A DIFFERENT DEPARTMENT!!!! WALKING IS GOOD FOR YOU!!!! YOU FUCKERS!