#so many of my friends have birthdays close together in early november and its so damn funny bc its like. Yeah our parents totally fucked on

[composing-the-future]

oh yeahj btw its my birthday :3

[notoriousbeb]

The My Tears Ricochet Deep Dive

While this song obviously has a clear reference to Taylor’s masters being sold to Scooter Braun in November 2019, I don’t think that’s the full story being told here.

When she released Folklore, Taylor shared via Instagram that “My Tears Ricochet” is about an “embittered tormentor showing up at the funeral of his fallen object of obsession.”

Now, why is she fallen? Because her work has been taken from her. Okay, one question answered. ✅

Now, who is the “embittered tormentor obsessed” with Taylor? Scooter Braun, of course…But see, I actually don’t think it’s that simple. I get why that’s the obvious first choice, though.

(Back story for new kids who don’t know why Scoots is trash: In July 2016, Taylor was outcast and called a snake due to a leaked phone call by Kim Kardashian and her then-husband Kanye West. Scooter was Kanye’s manager. Then Kanye put out the video of the song in question from the call—featuring a naked Taylor lookalike. Then Justin Bieber posted that video to Instagram with a photo showing him on a video call with Scooter and Kanye. The caption said, “Taylor Swift what up.” So, they’re all three supreme douche-canoes of the highest order).

However, I think Scooter’s top priority (as always) in buying Taylor’s masters was simply to make money. And if he pissed her off while doing so, that was probably a delightful bonus. But I wouldn’t say he bought her masters because he was obsessed with her. This deal was nearly three years later, and nothing had popped off between the camps in the interim.

I have more on this tormentor/obsessor/muse, concept; but first, back to Folklore. Upon its release, Taylor also revealed in a YouTube livechat that it was the first song she wrote for the album. And that leads me into a bit of timing discussion.

I think Folklore was the result of a few seismic events in Taylor’s life: a run-in with Harry at Ed’s wedding in December 2018 (which I think helped to spawn his second solo album, Fine Line); followed by talking to him during early quarantine in March 2020 in Los Angeles when the Lover tour got postponed and then cancelled; the pandemic itself pushing her, like many of us, into some serious introspection; and, of course, the sale of her masters to Scooter in 2019.

Since this is the very first song Taylor wrote that ended up on Folklore, my speculation is that perhaps it was penned in those first couple of days of the pandemic, before she reconnected with Harry in LA.

Fine Line would have been newly released—just three months prior—and on her birthday no less.

Which leads me back to the tormentor and obsessor. You know what I might find tormenting, if I were Taylor? If I’d been waiting for this one guy to grow the fuck up for years and then (perhaps after we ran into each other at our good friends’ wedding?), he confessed to me that he still wanted me but, even at 25, he still didn’t have his shit together (please see, “Renegade,” “To Be So Lonely,” and “Peter”).

Then, after I piece myself back together following snake gate, some epic twat who bullied me online back then buys my work out from under me from the guy I thought I had a good working relationship with (Scott Borchetta) and while I’m dealing with that bullshit my ex I’m still pining for releases album on my birthday with songs seemingly about us and how he still wants me.

Yeah, that’d have me plenty tormented. And feeling like, since his first album was also quite “a tip of the cap” to me (his words) as well that, yeah, someone was a little obsessed with me.

So, anyway, the lyrics:

We gather here, we line up, weepin' in a sunlit room And if I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes, too

We open at the funeral Taylor told us about. Then referencing a potential cremation. If she’s burning, so is he. Because they’re twin flames? Because they’re so close?

Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe All the hell you gave me? 'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you ‘Til my dying day

Does this sound like someone talking to either a bully or a former business associate? To me it sounds like a very messy, very difficult, former lover.

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace And you're the hero flying around, saving face And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake Cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet

I can see how people could think this was about Scott, but not Scooter. But T herself said this whole thing was about one muse: The embittered obsessor attending her funeral.

Anyway, my take: it’s a lover she couldn’t let go of easily, so it ended messy.

And now he’s out promoting an album full of songs about them, pretending it’s not, because he’s a gentleman. But while he’s acting like she’s nothing to him, they both know what he said to her in private, and what those songs are really about, and no matter how much she cries and waits and wants him to grow up and come get her he just can’t — or won’t.

We gather stones, never knowing what they'll means Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring

This is a Biblical allusion to Ecclesiastes 3:5: “A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.” I think she’s referring here to an idea revisited again in “loml,” that she thought she’d be safer and maybe get the life she wanted with someone more stable, versus being in a relationship that left her starry eyed, like she was with Harry…and that’s how she wound up with Joe for six years.

You know I didn't want to have to haunt you But what a ghostly scene

Ah, would it really be a Haylor lyric breakdown if we weren’t talking about ghosts and haunting at some point? 👻 They obviously haunt one another because they can’t shut up about each other. (Not that I’m complaining!)

Two Ghosts: “We're just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty.” ....Ready for it?: “Wonder how many girls he loved and left haunted.” Cardigan: “I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs.”

You wear the same jewels that I gave you As you bury me

Even while doing the press for Fine Line, H was wearing her ring. Should we talk some more about the Haylor ring? Or burying and graves? Nah. I think these posts sum it up very well.

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace 'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake Cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet

I think these lines could be a reference both to things he’s said to her and in his songs about her, particularly the pointed ones. “Lights Up,” for one, which to me, reads like an argumentative back-and-forth about why must things change in a relationship against the backdrop of fame. It also seems to include a tie to “Peter” with “I’m never coming back down,” as compared to “I didn’t want to come down.”

And I can go anywhere I want Anywhere I want, just not home And you can aim for my heart, go for blood But you would still miss me in your bones

And where is home in this case—and so many others? Each other.

And I still talk to you When I'm screaming at the sky And when you can't sleep at night You hear my stolen lullabies

I imagine this is her picturing him listening to her old albums, as she hadn’t done her rerecords yet. Also, again, doesn’t this all seem a bit…intimate and dramatic for a business relationship? Like, picture this moment in the Eras Tour in your mind, please, and tell me with a straight face that you’d sing like this for your former boss. It certainly doesn’t seem like anything you’d say to someone like Scooter. Why would she ever want to talk to him at all?

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same Cursing my name, wishing I stayed You turned into your worst fears And you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain Crossing out the good years And you're cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet

So, this is where we get into the “embittered” part of Taylor’s original description of the song’s muse—the person visiting her funeral. Why is he bitter? Because he lost her. She didn’t stay. Perhaps because his own bad behavior pushed her away. “All the light couldn’t put out the dark running through my heart?” “I know you were way too bright for me. I’m hopeless, broken.” Also, and again, please see, “Renegade,” and “To Be So Lonely,” and “Peter” and also “Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus.”

[kitausuret]

Today's my 31st birthday, and the first one since the passing of someone I was very close to last November.

It's hard, because my aunt hadn't really been there for the past few years - that's the cruelty of early onset Alzheimer's. She was my mom's best friend, but I was closer to her than any of my blood related aunts or uncles. Many of the things I love - writing, art, travel, learning about other cultures - she helped foster in me. She cared about human rights, animal rights and welfare, and equality.

It's hard to not just mourn her, so I try to honor her instead. I'm devastated that I haven't been able to share my adult life with her, but I'm trying to live it in a way I think would make her proud. I'm trying to impact the world around me as positively as she impacted my world.

So, with that in mind, for my birthday, I'd like to encourage you all to do something that matters today. Look for an opportunity to help a neighbor. Donate to a cause you care about, if you can. Tip extra nice at the restaurant. Write a letter or email to a government representative regarding an issue you care about. Doesn't have to be huge, it can be super small, but it might mean the world to someone.

I'll still celebrate my birthday, and I'll still have a good time I'm sure, because I know my Aunt Bette would want me to. She'd want me to continue living my life to its fullest. So, celebrate with me today by making a difference. Together, we can change things for the better.

[sweetjekyll]

Under The Same Roof, part 2 — BBH

pairing: Byun Baekhyun x Reader

genre: Roommate / Flatmate AU, one-shot, friends to lovers, mutual pining, fluff, blind date rating: teen and up warnings: tiniest and slightest bit of angst and jealousy, slightly suggestive towards the end word count: 5.2k

summary: Baekhyun and Y/N have been flatmates for a while and romance is in the air.

Requested: Part 2 was highly requested by both known readers and anons, so I hope you all enjoy the continuation of the first part! (keyword “roof” + sentence “Oh my God. You’re in love with her.” from this writing game post.)

Masterlist — PART 1

A/N: aaaaah it’s finally here! Merry Christmas everyone and happy holidays. I hope you’re healthy and surrounded with love, and I hope all of you are having a good time even if you don’t celebrate Christmas. Thank you to everyone who supported the first part of this story and patiently waited for the second part, I hope you will like this one as much as the first if not more! I made it way longer than the first part and added a bonus ending. Have fun reading! stay safe ❤

⟶ To my dear readers: feedback is highly encouraged and important! as it gives me motivation to write with more passion, knowing that you like what you are reading. Please LIKE and REBLOG so more people can find this and read it. ❤ My askbox is always open for questions or to chat ❤

Enjoy! ❤

The guys could’ve spent practically all night playing games, but Chanyeol had other plans in mind after the short chat he had with Sehun and Baekhyun about the latter’s crush on his roommate. Sehun was never one to turn down an invite to drink with his friends no matter the day of the week, so the fact that he agreed immediately to Chanyeol’s suggestion when he asked the two if they wanted to go have a drink at the bar Y/N and Baekhyun worked, it was an easy “yes”. You would’ve had about an hour and a half until it was closing time at 11PM, as it was a Thursday anyway.

Baekhyun on the other hand wasn’t that easy to convince. He was supposed to work the following morning and be at his best to serve freshly brewed coffee to university students, professors and other customers who liked to linger in the early hours of daylight. Also, Thursday nights were one of the few times he got to relax after working shifts from morning to late afternoon.

“I know you two,” Baekhyun scowled at his friends, who were waiting in the doorway to his bedroom while he pushed one of his legs in a pair of old black jeans. “It’s never just one drink with you… I’ll end up wasted under one of the tables and then Y/N will have to carry me home.”

“For someone so eager to get dressed and walk out of the house, you’re complaining too much.” Sehun smirked as he nudged Chanyeol with his elbow.

“Don’t worry, it’s just one drink,” Chanyeol reassured him as Baekhyun was finally done getting dressed. “Besides, you literally live a couple of blocks from your job and neither of us has to drive. We’ll call a taxi.” There was a faint yet lingering smile of satisfaction on the taller man’s face. He wasn’t really a patient guy and his mind was still in a frenzy after coming up with a plan to get Baekhyun and his flatmate to go out on a date.

Baekhyun threw on a leather jacket and brushed back his bangs with his fingers, ready to step out of the apartment. He was about to lock the door after switching off the lights but then stopped as he thought about something for a brief moment. “Hang on, I forgot something.” He let his friends know as he hurried back inside and into the bathroom.

Once he was back and finally locked the door, both Chanyeol and Sehun got a whiff of something in the air. “Is that… Perfume?” They asked inquisitive.

Baekhyun furrowed his brows as he walked past them down the corridor. “And what about it? Y/N gifted it to me for my birthday.”

“This is going to be easier than I thought,” Chanyeol hummed as they headed towards your workplace at last.

The cafe turned into bar during evenings looked cozy in autumns and winters; some Halloween decorations lingered here and there although it was past October and halfway through into November, but the fake vine leaves painted red, yellow and orange warmed up the walls nicely. You liked the fall decorations, but you loved even more winter and Christmas decorations, although it was a hassle to take everything down and put new things up, it was still satisfying as the end result.

You spotted Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Sehun out of the corner of your eye as soon as they entered the bar thanks to the bell ringing on top of the door. “There you go, Lucas,” you placed a glass of cold beer on top of a napkin in front of one of your regular customers and looked around, quickly facing the three new friendly faces once you made sure that no one else needed your services. “Good evening guys!” You said cheerfully, a warm feeling spreading through your chest to see Baekhyun keeping his promise to come pick you up after work, even more so considering he was rather early for it.

“Ah, my favorite bartender!” Sehun mused as he leaned against the counter with a smirk on his expression. ”You look a bit overworked although there aren’t many customers.”

Baekhyun noticed it as well and looked behind the counter and around the familiar workplace. “Where’s Minseok? Weren’t you two supposed to work tonight’s shift together?”

You inhaled a long breath as you glanced down with busy eyes to grab a rag from a hidden surface on your workspace, then picked it up and cleaned the countertop in front of the three men. “I think he had something for dinner that upset his stomach to the point where he was nauseated.” You winced as you explained to them without much detail as you didn’t know how your coworker was doing after he left. “I told him to go home and rest just in case… But anyway,” you smiled once again. “What can I get you guys to drink?” You asked as you returned the rag in its previous spot and placed three napkins on the counter.

“For starters, I’d say shots of soju and then beers?” Chanyeol looked at his friends but Baekhyun shook his head when he heard the doorbell signal the arrival of more customers.

“I’ll help Y/N,” he said and promptly walked behind the counter to join you. He picked up one of the aprons matching yours from a hanger on the wall and put it on after he took off his jacket.

“Don’t worry Baek, it’s your night off,” you tried to persuade him to just enjoy the night with his friends but he just gave you his usual warm and reassuring smile that made your heart flutter with content.

“Nonsense,” he shrugged as he spun around to softly bump his shoulder into yours and looked into your eyes, “I’m happy to work with you.” You felt your cheeks heat up at his words and you could barely hide the smile that graced your lips once your coworker welcomed the new customers with a loud and cheerful tone.

Your reaction didn’t go unnoticed to the two friends sitting on the other side of the counter, across from you. Chanyeol nudged Sehun with his elbow and whispered to just play along, after he made sure that Baekhyun’s ears were out of reach for what he was about to say. You placed two shots of soju on the napkins and turned around to fill two glasses with beer. “So, Y/N,” you looked over your shoulder for a brief second at Chanyeol, “are you single?”

The question wasn’t new to your ears, especially after working as a bartender, but it still caught you off guard coming from him. “I did not expect you to ask me something like this, Mr. Park.” You confessed with a chuckle while walking back to take away the empty shot glasses and placed two glasses filled to the brim with foaming beer. “Why do you want to know?”

“Well, are you?” Sehun questioned with a raised eyebrow, carefully picking up the glass to take a sip from it while holding your suspicious gaze.

You let your shoulders slump with a sigh as you averted their eyes and, without meaning to, you looked in Baekhyun’s direction. “Yes, I’m single.” You nodded as your smile faltered, you looked around at the other customers while feeling a bit nervous.

“Perfect!” Chanyeol beamed as he clapped his hands once and leaned closer to the counter, you just eyed him with suspicion. “There’s this very nice guy, he’s a bit talkative and playful,” he began explaining but kept it quite mysterious, “A friend of ours, you know… I would like you do go on a blind date with him.”

“I’m sorry… What now?” You were taken aback by his sudden request that you didn’t know how else to react. It was a nice gesture, sure… but you already had feelings for someone else and weren’t sure if a blind date would be a good idea, not at the moment at least.

“I promise he’s a very friendly and good guy,” Sehun added, playing along to Chanyeol’s plan although they didn’t even talk about it beforehand. He licked his lips to get the residue of the beer foam and arched his brows at you. “Unless you like somebody else already.” Blood rushed to your face and you felt hot under your clothes, hesitant about answering your foot started bouncing nervously and you crossed your arms. Should you be honest and tell them or should you keep it for yourself? Well… “There is someone I like.” You confessed, but it just made you sad to say it so you continued before they could ask anything else about this crush of yours. “But I don’t think it’ll work out so I might as well go on a blind date with your friend.”

“What are you guys talking about?” Baekhyun’s curious voice made you slightly jolt on your feet and you flashed him a nervous smile. “Are you going on a date?” You tilted your head unsure of what to say since he was the one person you didn’t want to find out about this blind date, at least not like this… or ever. You thought you could maybe just go at the date and never call back Chanyeol and Sehun’s friend, but then another question popped in your head. Does Baekhyun know this friend of theirs? Would he mind? It’s not like he had feelings for you, so why were you so worried about it?

Thankfully, you heard the voice of one of your customers call for you and used it as an excuse to leave. “This is a discussion for another time, I gotta go back to work!” And just like that you were gone in an instant, meanwhile Baekhyun faced Chanyeol and Sehun with a half disappointed and half irritated expression.

“A blind date?!” He hissed under his breath.

They both nodded with pleased smirks. “She said yes, so you better make this work, otherwise you’re truly hopeless.” Chanyeol replied and finally let himself taste the beer that’s been sitting in front of him on the counter for a while.

Baekhyun’s anger dissipated immediately, his eyes widened in surprise and his mouth fell agape. “You set us up on a blind date?” He whispered while stealing glances in your direction. His heart rate began speeding up while he watched you smile politely at a couple who were paying for their drinks, getting ready to leave.

“Although…” Sehun inhaled a long breath as he looked down at his drink, his smile faded. Baekhyun’s attention was immediately on him, feeling his heart drop at the man’s words. “She did say she likes someone.” Chanyeol gave him a hard nudge with his elbow, eliciting a pained groan from the man sitting next to him. “What?! I’m just saying, she didn’t say who… Y/N thinks it’s not going to work out so you don’t have to worry.”

Baekhyun sighed and scratched his head, too many thoughts were running through his head in that moment and he didn’t know how to process the fact that there indeed was someone you liked… You’ve been friends for a few years and were roommates as well, so why did you not talk to him about this person you seem to like so much?

He became rather quiet that night and even the following days, he was practically sulking since he was stuck with the thought that the blind date was going to be a disaster. That didn’t stop Chanyeol from insisting on taking care of all the details about the date, he went as far as borrowing both yours and Baekhyun’s work schedules to set up a perfect timing for you to meet. You noticed immediately the change in his behavior, he wasn’t avoiding you, he would never do that, but he was acting too distant. You tried asking but didn’t push further because maybe he needed some time for himself, otherwise he would have opened up to you, at least you hoped.

It went on like that for a couple of days until you couldn’t take it anymore, you missed Baekhyun being his usual playful and loud self, he was the source of your serotonin and it affected your mood as well. It was the last few days of November, the shop was closed for the day due to the fact that you needed to take down the autumnal decorations and brighten up the place with Christmas ones.

“Baekhyun, we really need to talk.” You told him with a preoccupied tone, hoping he wouldn’t try and dodge the conversation as he had been doing for nearly half of November. He didn’t look at you from his high place on the ladder, instead, his pupils were fixed on his fingers unrolling the fairy lights and hanging them on the wall, supported by nails that had been stuck into the bricks for who knows how many years.

“Alright, alright,” he nodded and hummed for a moment, pausing his work to look down; your hands were securely holding onto the ladder for him and keeping it in place so he felt safe to be up there, occasionally passing him Christmas decorations from the boxes piled up next to your feet. “I’ll clean and decorate the bathrooms.”

You scoffed, incredulous that he actually managed to talk about anything else but his feelings. “I’m not talking about the bathroom, but since you said you’re going to do it, I won’t stop you.”

“Damn!” He chuckled with a shake of his head and went back to fixing the lights. “Okay, let’s talk, but I warn you, if this is about me—“

“It’s precisely about you! You’ve been avoiding my questions, I’m concerned about you. Something happened and you haven’t openly spoken to me ever since that night at the bar.” You interjected and heard him complain with a groan of your name, to which you let go of the ladder, making the man almost scream in fear.

“What are you doing—“ High pitched words reached your ears as you crossed your arms and just gazed up at him with arched brows, feeling so done with his behavior. He dropped the fairy lights without meaning to and wrapped his hands on both sides of the ladder, holding on for dear life. “No, no, no— Okay, fine! I’ll tell you, just please don’t let go of the ladder.” You held onto the ladder once more and watched him climb down until he was finally to your eye level. “There’s this girl I like, I’ve liked her for a while now actually.” Baekhyun let out a long, defeated sigh. “Turns out she likes some other person and I don’t know why I thought I could—“ He stopped himself from saying anything else as he ran one of his hand over his face, frustrated that he was confessing to you how he felt, except he was still hiding the actual truth. What a coward, he thought. He was convinced now more than ever that the blind date was truly a bad idea, he just didn’t know how to tell Chanyeol that he didn’t have the balls to go through with it and accept your rejection once you found out he was your secret date. “I like her a lot.” He added.

You felt you heart fasten at his words, it was drumming so hard that the pulse in your ears felt deafening… Baekhyun liked another girl, you repeated to yourself in your head. For a short moment and in a totally awkward silence you felt like an idiot; an idiot for feeling jealousy when he mentioned another girl, when you should’ve said something to comfort him. You were frowning, unable to move or say anything coherent until you forced yourself to say: “I’m sorry.” You bit your lip and looked down at your hands. “She’s an idiot.” You spit out with slight anger lacing your words.

“Why do you say so?” His tone softened when he noticed how upset you were over what he told you, he didn’t think you would care that much about a girl not liking him back… and the worst part was that you were that girl. “She’s allowed to like someone else, it’s just that I’m a coward and I didn’t tell her that I like her because I’m afraid of her rejecting me.” It felt so surreal that he was running his mouth like that, actually confessing the truth to you but you still had no idea.

Your head head snapped up towards him with your lips parted, ready to fight back his insecurities, except you didn’t realize what you were saying until it was already too late. “Well, she’s still dumb! Because what other girl wouldn’t like you? I like you!"

"You do?" He whispered almost breathless, too stunned to say anything else as soon as he processed your words; the corners of his lips curved up in a genuine and shy smile, yet you barely saw it since you looked down and bent you body forward to pick up a box with decorations and left him standing there. Your face was burning so hot with embarrassment it almost felt like you were going to combust. "Y/N, hang on, let’s talk it out—“ He tried to go after you, but you walked past the counter and entered the women’s bathroom, closing the door behind you. You dropped the box on the counter by the sink and looked at yourself in the mirror, cursing under your breath ad at yourself for being so careless with your words.

“Wait, hold on…” One of your friends, Hana, laughed at you on the phone for the second time that night, after you explained to her what happened at the coffee shop.

“I swear to God, Hana, there’s nothing to laugh about.” You mumbled, holding your phone against your ear with you shoulder; your hands were too busy going through the clothes in your wardrobe, searching for anything remotely cute and appropriate for a blind date.

“There actually is,” she continued laughing at your misery. “You confessed to Baekhyun that you actually like him, that’s a good thing isn’t it? I mean, he didn’t have a bad reaction, so where’s the problem, Y/N?” You groaned as you threw a pair of torn up jeans on the floor of your bedroom and took your phone in your hands.

“That’s the point, I chickened out!” You walked to the foot of the bed and let yourself fall on your back, bouncing on the mattress. “He tried to talk to me about it but I just couldn’t do it, so I locked myself in the bathroom. I’m the clown of the month!”

“Oh my God, Y/N, you’re unbelievable.” Hana’s laughter rung in your ear with disbelief for the situation you got yourself into, but soon quieted down to a serious tone. “Listen, you have to face him at some point. You can’t just avoid him forever.”

You sat up on the bed and thought about what she said, your eyes burning holes into the door leading to the living room of your shared apartment. Baekhyun wasn’t home yet, he was still setting up decorations at the bar with Minseok and going over December’s inventory. “What about this girl he said he likes?” A pout formed on your lips, like a child whining to their parent.

“You won’t know until you talk to him.” You sighed out loud and eyed the mess on your bedroom floor, clothes lying on top of each other as if your wardrobe got stormed by a hurricane. “Earth to Y/N, are you there? Promise you’ll talk to him?”

You snapped out of your daze and rubbed your eyes as you replied to her. “Yeah, sure, I’ll talk to him,” you replied in defeat. “But it’ll have to wait until after this stupid blind date. It’s tonight and I don’t even know what to wear…” You heard a noise come from the living room and gasped out loud, jiggling of keys made you jump on your feat and run towards the door until you pressed your side against it. “He’s here, I gotta go. Bye Hana!” You whispered with your heart drumming in your chest and said goodbye to your friend, before hanging up the call. “Baekhyun?” You carefully called out his name and waited impatiently for a reply.

His muffled voice came from the other side of the door, and as careful as you had been, he called out your name. “Are you okay? Can I come in?” He was right outside of your bedroom, your nerves were killing you and you didn’t know what to do, yet against your better judgement, you moved away from the door and opened it. You bit your tongue as you met Baekhyun’s reassuring smile, somehow eliciting a smile from your lips as well. Seeing as you had not replied to his questions, Baekhyun let his eyes look past you and onto the pile of clothing on the floor. “Getting ready for the blind date?”

You looked in the same direction his pupils did and chuckled with a slow nod. “Yeah, I just don’t know what to wear yet…”

“Don’t worry, you’ll look beautiful no matter what you choose to wear.” The sweetness of his words made you hyper aware of the way he was looking at you now, and you weren’t sure why it seemed… different.

“Thank you…” You almost stuttered. Your heart was ramming against your ribcage so hard you could have passed out from the lightheadedness it caused you, but you forced yourself to break the eye contact and walked further inside your bedroom. You picked up two dresses from the wardrobe, one filled with cute floral patterns and the other was a solid dark blue color. “Which one looks better for a fancy dinner?” You asked him, unsure whether it was a good idea but Baekhyun actually pointed at the dark blue dress with a cheerful smile. It was weird to say the least, he appeared to be more excited for your blind date than you were, and you didn’t even know who Chanyeol was trying to set you up with. “Okay, this dress it is then.”

“By the way, I need to go out in a bit.” Baekhyun caught you off guard and you just stared at him with slightly widened eyed. “Is there anything that you need before I leave?”

“Mmmh, no… No.” You show your head and flashed him a reassuring smile even though you were still nervous. “I’ll be fine.”

“Okay, see you later, Y/N.” He reached out for the handle and closed the door after himself.

As soon as you heard the lock click, you exhaled a long, shaky breath and dropped the dresses on the bed. “And there he goes…” You whispered, choosing to replace the deafening silence with some music from your phone.

Baekhyun stood in the hallways while holding onto his breath, ears listening to you shuffling around your bedroom before any other sound was drowned out by you favorite playlist. He had been dreading this blind date for so many days and now that it was happening — especially after he found out he was the person you liked and not some other guy — Baekhyun felt elated. He was ready to get dressed and run out of the door to get you flowers, unfortunately not your favorite ones because they were out of season, but he was still gonna get something pretty. He couldn’t stop thinking about how you were going to react once you met him at the restaurant as your date. Too much energy was coursing through his veins in that moment, he could barely contain himself.

Everything was perfect. Baekhyun had to remember to thank Chanyeol for taking care of the reservation, the restaurant was truly lovely and felt intimate, soft fairy lights were hanging from the red brick walls, adding to the romantic atmosphere of slightly dimmed lighting, a small candle was illuminating the table at which Baekhyun sat. A bouquet of pink and white chrysanthemums rested on his right side as he, on the other hand, couldn’t help but nervously fiddle with his fingers under the tablecloth. A shy smile graced his joyful expression while his eyes darted to the watch on his left wrist, growing restless as you were late to your date.

Baekhyun’s smile faltered when he felt his phone vibrating in the pocket of his elegant blazer, he shut his eyes tightly and prayed that it wasn’t Chanyeol the one calling him with bad news, saying you stood up on the blind date at the last possible moment. You wouldn’t do that, would you? “Hello?” He answered his phone still keeping his eyes shut, but they immediately shot open once he heard your voice greet him on the other side of the line. “Y/N? What’s wrong? Where are you? Shouldn’t you be at the date?” He showered you with questions to which you didn’t know what to answer.

“Uuh—“ You hesitated for a long moment, unsure of what to say. “I’m outside of the restaurant, I’ve been for the past 5 minutes. I don’t want to go inside and meet some guy that I don’t know.” He listened to you talk really fast, almost tripping on your words as your tone dripped with nervousness and regret. “I just don’t want to meet a new guy and I’m so sorry to Chanyeol, cause I said I would do this—”

“Hey, hey, calm down,” He tried to help you calm down over the phone, resisting the urge to just stand up from the table and run to meet you outside. “Everything’s gonna be alright, okay? Do you trust me?”

Baekhyun listened to you on the other side of the line as you tried to get through your panicked state, quietly repeating short and reassuring “okays”. You released a deep breath and finally replied to him. “I trust you. Will you come pick me up, please?”

He almost chuckled at the softness of your voice, instead a warm smile returned on his face as he told you what to do. “I will, but first I need you to walk into the restaurant, it’s cold outside and you’re wearing a dress.” You agreed to do it and his eyes quickly moved towards the door, as he was sat on the opposite side of the restaurant.

Baekhyun watched as the door opened and you stepped inside, brows furrowed with worry yet you still managed to look effortlessly beautiful; long black coat shielding your body from the cold of the last weeks of autumn. He could see the dark blue of your knee length dress peeking under the coat, a small purse swaying by your side from a long chain on your left shoulder as you glanced around and were greeted by a waiter. “I’m in.” You mumbled as your eyes looked frantically around.

“Look to your right, other side of the room.” And you did, you looked towards him and nearly dropped your phone, your jaw went numb for a moment as your lips parted in disbelief. One of the waiters helped you remove your coat and accompanied you towards Baekhyun, to your table. “You’re beautiful,” the words rolled off his tongue almost like a foreign sound, he couldn’t believe that you two were actually on a date, even if he had to keep it a secret for such a long time.

You were at a loss for words, yet your chest was flooded with immense happiness. “The girl you like a lot…” You began saying and he nodded before you could finish your sentence. “A very nice guy, a bit talkative and playful,” you giggled as you quoted Chanyeol’s words when he spoke about the friend he wanted you to meet.

“Yep, that would be me.” Baekhyun picked up the flowers and slowly stepped closer to you. “I know they’re not daffodils, but I hope you like chrysanthemums too.”

“You know what I like more than flowers?” You stepped even closer to him until you could feel his hot breath on your skin, completely forgetting the rest of the world as you felt a rush of bravery while gazing into his eyes. “You.”

When Baekhyun leaned forward to steal a kiss it felt like the most natural thing in the world, as if he had done it so many times before and you were out tonight celebrating an anniversary rather than a first date. The gentlest of touches left a lingering sensation of his lips on yours. The red of your lipstick transferred slightly on his lips and if you focused hard enough, you could see that his cheeks turned the same shade out of shyness and adoration.

“Hmm, what do you think?” You asked, tilting your head to the side while staring very hard at the Christmas tree.

You were currently in your new apartment with Baekhyun standing by your side, eyes focused ahead of you. “It’s crooked on one side.” The living room was bare of furniture except for a coffee table, the tv stand with the television on top of it and the Christmas tree you spent at least three hours on decorating with your boyfriend. Moving boxes were scattered all around the place.

“I think if we spin it around towards the corner of the room none of the guests will notice.” You suggested and Baekhyun hoped quickly towards the tree, being careful to avoid any boxes and discarded ornaments still lying on the floor. He crouched on his kneed and wrapped his fingers around the base of the fake pine tree, rotating the crooked side towards the corner of the room.

“What about now?” He asked as he looked up at the tree for a moment and back at you.

“Light it up.” Baekhyun took the end of a cable beneath the branches of the tree and struggled to plug it into the wall for a moment, making you giggle, but as soon as the tree was lit up, he stood up and walked back to stand by you. “Now it’s perfect!” You beamed while he wrapped one of his arms around your shoulders and brought you closer to kiss your cheek.

“Merry Christmas, baby,” Baekhyun whispered in your ear, your smile became bigger and brighter when you looked into his loving eyes.

You pecked his lips with a soft kiss and wrapped your arms around his neck. “Merry Christmas to you too, Baek—”

You didn’t even have time to finish saying his name because all of a sudden he snaked his arms around your waist, making you screech in surprise when he tried to lift you up from the floor and yelled at the top of his lungs: “To the bedroom, now!”

Loud giggles escaped you as you struggled to stay serious, but it was impossible when he was in a playful mood like this. “But we don’t have a bed frame yet—“

“We have a mattress and that’s enough for me!”

[memorylang]

12 Months’ Pandemic Chronicled | #51 | March 2021

Happy Palm Sunday yesterday, and Happy Passover from the night before! Right under two weeks ago, March 16, 2O2I, marked the one-year anniversary to the close of my first Peace Corps Mongolia service. While I’ve continued to serve virtually, I’ve done so informally as a Returned Peace Corps Volunteer. Having lived these past 12 months back in the States, today’s tales chronicle that year. 

Also commemorating the one-year anniversary, I’ve uploaded dozens of photos from my first nine months serving Mongolia. You can find those on my Instagram and Facebook, from February and March. I begin today’s stories with those. From there, I chronicle my journey across the year. 

Evacuating Mongolia (February 2O2O)

February’s final week, on Ash Wednesday 2O2O, I was in Mongolia celebrating the third day of Tsagaan Sar, its Lunar New Year. Returning to my apartment from my last supper, I read an email from Peace Corps Mongolia that we were evacuating. I pulled an all-nighter packing my apartment. Shortly after sunrise, I visited a Peace Corps neighbor’s apartment to pack theirs. Then in my final two days, I said hasty goodbyes to community members, exchanging parting gifts. 

Sunday morning, which began Peace Corps Week and March 2O2O, I and fellow Volunteers loaded into Peace Corps vehicles and rode in our caravan till evening. Then the snowstorm caused us to need to stay overnight in a hotel coincidentally located in a city that my cohort would frequent during our summer 2OI9 for training. My evacuation group reached Mongolia’s capital Monday afternoon, with briefings from staff throughout Tuesday. Mongolia had already begun to enforce mask-wearing and physical-distancing, so we couldn’t do much with our final hours in Mongolia. Indeed, since mid-January, many public places had already closed due to quarantine. 

Wednesday night, the week after my peers and I had received notice of our evacuation and now mere hours before my group would depart the country, we awaited the arrival of fellow Peace Corps peers to the capital. For, Peace Corps staff staggered our arrivals into and departures from the capital to account for both the time drivers would need to assemble us from across the nation and the limited flight options still going out of the country. Those of us who remained awake through our final night enjoyed getting to see and embrace peers for our final moments together. 

Over the course of Thursday, March 5, my group flew first from Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia, through Moscow, Russia, to Berlin, Germany. Many of our itineraries diverged. From Germany, I and a few flew to Amsterdam, the Netherlands. From the Netherlands, I and a couple others flew to New York, New York. I slept four and a half hours’ in a hotel. Then I flew alone Friday from New York to Las Vegas, Nevada. I returned to my home of junior high and high school in North Las Vegas. 

American Twilight Zone (March 2O2O)

My first few weeks in the States felt weird, not just because of reverse culture shock. Back in Mongolia, fellow Peace Corps Volunteers, particularly Health Volunteers, had followed American media and read that our presidential administration had been downplaying the COVID-19 pandemic. Problematically, too, when leaders acknowledged it, some labeled it the “China virus” and accused Asians of spreading it. These set the tone. 

When I arrived in New York, I felt perturbed by the lack of mask-wearing and physical distancing. The morning when I’d fly out, I felt annoyed when the worker who checked me into my flight joked that I might have the virus since I’d flown in from Mongolia. Mongolia had no COVID cases—and wouldn’t have its first community transmission till November 11, 2O2O. Friends, too, when I said that I’d come back, distrusted that I couldn’t have the virus. So, although Peace Corps peers and I had already been quarantining nearly a month and a half before returning to the States—and very much craved to reconnect with folks—we found ourselves again isolated. 

Then Vegas felt weird. Nevada had reported its first COVID case the day before I returned, yet Mongolia hadn’t any. Yet Mongolia had shut down, and Nevada hadn’t. Society moved as though little was happening. My brothers still had school and were gone most of most days. Dad worked weekdays out-of-town. Thus, while I lived again in the States, even inside my family’s home, I was the only one around. I felt lonelier than how’d I’d felt before leaving my life abroad. 

The Filipina family of my father’s fiancée was perhaps the most understanding of my circumstances. The oldest daughter was celebrating her birthday that first Sunday, March 8, since my return to the States. So, I got to join them in enjoying the occasion. As I’d come to learn, Mongolia and the Philippines had more cultural similarities than I’d expected. I’d also feel dismayed to learn that people weren’t treating the youngest daughter kindly in her food service role, for some customers believed that her being Asian meant that she had the Coronavirus. 

Resettling Into Lent (March 2O2O)

Most every morning, my first few days and weeks, tracks from Disney's “Frozen II” became my anthems. I’d seen the film that Friday, March 6, when I’d flown alone back to Vegas. I’d connected especially with “Show Yourself,” “Some Things Never Change” and “The Next Right Thing.” I started to learn the lyrics not only in English but also in Mandarin Chinese and Spanish. 

My local church was still open. Meanwhile, in Mongolia, our church had been closed for nearly months. So, I attended services daily. I overheard old parishioners wondering what all this pandemic talk was about. I visited Reconciliation and a Stations of the Cross service. I applied to sing in the choir with which my late mom sang. 

My second week in the States, church and schools closed. Meanwhile, Peace Corps announced its global evacuation. My peers and I weren’t to expect to return to Mongolia this summer and instead were to expect that fall would be the soonest. My youngest brother’s hs senior spring ended abruptly, so he stuck around at the house. Our oldest brother left to quarantine with his girlfriend and her sisters. 

I cleaned much in and around the house. My greatest achievement early in the pandemic was to lead a garage clean-up with all siblings when my sisters visited. The task enabled us to at last park a vehicle in it once more. My siblings and I donated, too, decades of belongings. 

Among the unearthing, I dove deep into family history. I wrote up my understanding of my father's and my late mother's ancestries, which were also mine. Months later, I'd join WikiTree, talk to distant relatives and migrate large swathes of history onto the platform. 

Easter in Action (April–May 2O2O)

Gloom seemed to enshroud the world by Easter. I saw from the telly the Vatican's Lenten services, witnessing Pope Francis’ words from his city to the world and for Holy Week. His Good Friday Way of the Cross felt especially moving, for prisoners had written beautiful reflections that made me realize how little of a prison our quarantine was. 

My younger sister in LA had also returned to visit Vegas. I resumed daily exercise routines, including trying to concurrently complete handheld video games and walk miles on the treadmill. This began my May push to make the most of my days back in America. I kicked up a daily Duolingo habit, rising through leagues, and talked regularly with Mongols during early mornings. Such helped my sanity, especially when state offices gave me a hard time trying to get the unemployment assistance to which lawmakers entitled evacuated Returned Peace Corps Volunteers.  

Around Memorial Day, an uncle and aunt visited from Kansas to celebrate my youngest brother’s high school graduation online. The relatives also took my siblings, a family friend and me on my first national parks trip in years. We saw Saguaro, Great Basin and Capitol Reef. During the trip I’d grown my Goodreads library and soon enough uncovered the Libby app. The journey led me too to begin a pensive look back on my life. 

Summer in Reno (June–July 2O2O)

Dad remarried on June 6, 2020. Shortly thereafter, I relocated to Reno to help Pa and Stepma (“Tita”) handle copious amounts of yard work. With more time to reflect, I took up the request of a homebound friend to pray rosaries daily over the phone with him. 

Another friend of mine was going through a dark patch too but had a love of films. So each morning I’d rise early to see one of his recommendations then discuss it while working the yard if I wasn’t praying a rosary. I fondly recall the conversations while trimming plants, as I wander the Reno backyard even now. 

Near the same time, the friend and another encouraged me to tell my stories. So I began to write a memoir, on which he’d give feedback. The other friend had me appear on his podcast. Both experiences made the summer feel very whole. In memory of my first summer in Mongolia 2OI9, I also wrote a more detailed series on those experiences. [Arrival (June 2OI9), Meeting Host Family (July 2OI9), Summer’s End (August 2OI9)]

I celebrated my 23rd birthday in Vegas with an overnight vigil, praying 23 rosaries alone and with Catholic friends from around the globe. I felt such joy to reconnect meaningfully with so many across languages and cultures. Languages became a growing theme for me. I’d also begun again playing Pokémon GO after having not played since 2OI6. 

That summer, I finished seeing “Star Wars: The Clone Wars” (Season 7) as well as relevant bits from “Star Wars: Rebels.” I kept up with the Japanese episodes of “Pokémon Journeys: The Series.” Those, I’ve watched with English subtitles to know what’s happening. I’d also begun to read chapters of the Bible daily, at that time checking in weekly with an ol' friend. I started with Acts then Proverbs, Ephesians then Psalms. Meanwhile came Hebrews and John. Then were Ruth and Matthew. Now I read 1 Kings and Mark. I’d grown to appreciate both the Hebrew and Christian Bibles with renewed interest. 

Autumn Languages (August–September 2O2O)

Much of that fall, I was back in Reno. Yet, my younger brother had also come to Reno for his undergraduate fall semester. The guest room where I’d stayed quickly became his room, which left me a tad displaced. Still, I stuck through. Mornings, I rose early to read through a Latin textbook before daily conversations with a close friend who’d majored in classics as an undergrad.

Meanwhile, I’d stepped up to arrange meetings with Congressional lawmakers on behalf of the National Peace Corps Association. I’d also taken on roles within my alma mater Honors College and within the Social Justice Task Force for the American Psychological Association’s Society for the Psychology of Religion and Spirituality. I kept people organized and took notes during meetings. Meanwhile, my siblings and I had been starting a scholarship foundation, so I’d taken point on negotiating a partnership with the Vegas-based Public Education Foundation. 

As a nice break, I joined friends I’d met in high school on their near-monthly trips to national and state parks. These sights included Lassen Volcanic, Burney Falls and Tahoe’s Emerald Bay. Realizing that I wouldn’t return to Mongolia that fall, I booked a Department of Motor Vehicles appointment to renew my learner’s permit—The earliest appointment would be in December. 

In entertainment news, I’d finished seeing “Queer Eye: We’re in Japan,” “Love on the Spectrum” and “Midnight Gospel.” I’d also started playing “Pokémon Masters EX” when I’d heard that it included characters from multiple generations. I enjoyed how the stories felt new yet nostalgic. 

National Park Winter (October, November, December 2O2O)

October was a great month for my spiritual life. I got to attend my youngest sister’s Confirmation. I enjoyed my first retreat in years. I also got to tape videos for my alma mater. 

Then I returned to Vegas some weeks to complete more yard work. I’d also relocated belongings in different rooms and was able to have my own bedroom back in Vegas. This gave me a decent space in which to work. From November, I’ve also been hosting weekly video calls to help Mongols from my community abroad continue to practice English. 

I’d also listened to Riordan audiobooks, “Blood of Olympus” and “Hidden Oracle,” and various authors’ financial literacy materials. By December, “Kafka on the Shore” was a real highlight. In Reno, I saw too “The Mandalorian” (Seasons 1–2), emphatically recommended by a friend with whom I’d hiked at Red Rock Canyon. My other friends and I reunited to try again at Crater Lake and succeeded. 

My siblings and I partnered with the Vegas-based Public Education Foundation to launch our family LinYL Foundation to honor our late mother with scholarships for students. Though my formal role’s within outreach, I’ve done a fair bit of organizational leadership given my undergrad experiences. I’ve also been helping another non-profit start-up. Through it, I’ve gotten to meet alumni of overseas programs. 

My family celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas in Vegas with our stepsisters. I’d also celebrated American Independence Day with them. Christmas felt peculiar, as I’d returned from Mongolia to Vegas the Christmas before, too! 

Then my national parks friends and I hit a new record, seeing Walnut Canyon, Petrified Forest, Meteor Crater, Sedona’s Devil’s Bridge and the Grand Canyon. Having successfully renewed my learner’s permit, I scheduled my driving test for the earliest date—February. I returned to Reno and at New Year’s reunited with friends for whom I’d participated in their wedding the year before. 

Road to Rejuvenation (January–February 2O2I)

Following the U.S. elections came the presidential inauguration. I felt more at peace with the state of the nation after that. Though U.S. politics have absorbed media significantly throughout the pandemic, I felt relieved by the calls for unity and returns to political normalcy from Inauguration Day. 

Meanwhile, I sought to kick off 2O2I strong, with renewed optimism and control. I practiced driving almost daily. I’d seen “Daredevil” (Season 3) too and progressed in the Blue Lions story of my younger sister’s “Fire Emblem: Three Houses” copy. At February’s start, after years of challenges, I secured my driver’s license. 

Mid-February, my national parks friends and I saw Utah’s Mighty Five. Our trip spanned Canyonlands, Arches, Capitol Reef (different section), Escalante, Bryce Canyon and Zion. I got to help drive at the end from Vegas to Reno, a major milestone. 

Thanks to Discord, I attended a virtual alumni reunion of my high school alma mater. I experienced our school's recreation in “Minecraft: Java Edition,” wandering into the classroom where I used to play “Minecraft” as a freshman. In “RuneScape,” after 12 years on-off, I’d achieved level 99 in all but the newest skill. I'd even gotten the characters I wanted in “Pokémon Masters EX” and nearly finished my Kanto Pokédex in “Pokémon GO.” (I've never before completed a Pokédex.) 

I finished February recording music for my undergrad parish’s online edition to our annual performance for “Living Stations of the Cross.” I got to lector at and attend a friend’s baptism. I’d also soaked up my youngest sister’s boyfriend’s Disney+ again and saw “WandaVision” entirely. Its takes on grief and joy astounded. 

Social Justice (March 2O2I)

These bring me to where and how I am today. I write from Reno, Nev., where snow had fallen and the weather grown warmer. Spring is here. 

The announcement of increasing vaccines gave me lots of hope. Since I've lost so many people this past year to COVID-19 and other conditions I'm grateful that we may near the end. An email from and a check-in call with Peace Corps confirmed that summer would be the soonest I’m going back abroad. Still, I’ve kept in touch with my people in Mongolia. 

My older brother and his girlfriend moved into the Vegas house, so I haven’t felt as obligated to be there. Thus, I’ve focused more time on the church in Reno. 

A great fount of a spiritual joy for me has been getting to help lector for my college parish’s weekly Proclamations of the Word. I received particular acclaim for my reading from 2 Chronicles, for Lent’s Fourth Sunday, which delighted me. At the time I’d been reading 1 Kings, so I’d enjoyed recognizing parallels. In some ways the exercises are like a miniature college course. Beyond regular Sundays and Holy Week, I’d also lectored for such feast days as St. Joseph’s Day (March 19) and the Annunciation (March 25). 

My siblings’ and my family foundation chose our first year of recipients. It’s been an exciting process, reading and witnessing our inspiring candidates. I hope that I'll get to meet these students someday, but ah, the pandemic. 

I’ve gotten back into “Frozen II,” thanks to its authentic behind-the-scenes docuseries. I've also passed the one-year anniversary of my first seeing the film. Each morning I’ve sought to see something on Disney's platform—real' nice. 

Our psychological division’s presidential task force for Social Justice released our statement about the Capitol riots, which received strong critics but stronger supporters. Then came the Atlanta situation. 

In my U.S. Week 5I (Feb. 19–25), during a walk past the nearby elementary school, I’d had an unpleasant personal experience that led me to feel very grateful when the #StopAsianHate campaign began. I’ll likely share more later, but today’s blog story is about done. 

Hope and Easter 2O2I (April 2O2I)

At the last Adoration activity before Easter, our parish offered Reconciliation, so I returned again. Absolution offers such sweet cleansing for my mind and soul. Now Holy Week begins. I'm still lectoring, too! 

This summer, I hope to write more on my memoir. I’m still revising my research. I'm set to finish all five tiers of Duolingo Latin tomorrow. Then I'll get back to my textbook. 

I still delight in chatting with ol’ friends. My national parks homies and I will hit Redwood next weekend. Then my parish has Spring Retreat. I look forward to getting vaccinated in coming months then hugging folks forevermore. 

You can read more from me here at DanielLang.me :)

[chenziee]

Snacks before Cake

[Read on AO3 or below the cut]

Ship: Law/Luffy

Words: 1406

Summary: Trafalgar Law wasn’t ready for what was waiting for him in his apartment on a certain November afternoon.

He had expected to find his boyfriend waiting for him so they could relax a bit before getting ready to leave for their friend’s birthday party. He wrapping paper everywhere, maybe even clothes on the floor from where Luffy tried to pick out their outfits. What he hadn’t expected was the mountain of colourful boxes on the coffee table.

AKA your regularly scheduled last minute Pocky Day fic.

-------------

Trafalgar Law wasn’t ready for what was waiting for him in his apartment on a certain November afternoon.

He had expected to find his boyfriend waiting for him so they could relax a bit before getting ready to leave for their friend’s birthday party. He had expected to find wrapping paper everywhere, maybe even clothes on the floor from where Luffy had tried to pick out their outfits. What he hadn’t expected was the mountain of colourful boxes on the coffee table.

“Luffy-ya, what the hell?” Law asked, voice flat as he dropped his bag on the floor next to the couch his boyfriend was sitting on.

“Oh! Hi, Torao!” Luffy paused his game and let his head fall back to look at Law behind him, a wide grin on his face, a stick covered in green chocolate held safely in between his teeth.

Law huffed at the sight of him craning his neck back at an angle that shouldn’t be humanly possible, before he caved in and leaned down to press a quick, upside-down kiss to the corner of Luffy’s mouth. Only the corner because fuck if he was sharing half-eaten food with anyone, even if the other person was his boyfriend. “So what’s with all the Pocky?” he asked once they pulled away.

“It’s Pocky Day,” Luffy stated, looking at Law as if he was stupid for asking the obvious.

Blinking, Law looked pointedly at the coffee table, doing a quick count. “Twelve boxes. Because of Pocky Day.”

Luffy’s cheeks puffed up. “I know. It’s so little—” he paused to gulp down the rest of the sweet stick in his mouth— “but with the birthday party, I forgot to stock up.”

Law took a deep breath, wondering why he was even surprised; it wasn’t like Luffy didn’t eat constantly even without any food related holiday. But twelve boxes? “You’re going to get sick,” Law noted off-handedly, finally walking around the couch to join Luffy.

“I don’t get sick,” Luffy announced proudly, as if having a stomach of steel and terrible eating habits was something to gloat about.

This idiot was seriously ridiculous. Law was glad he wasn’t his doctor. Hoped he wouldn’t be his doctor—although, at the rate he was going, Luffy was asking for heart problems a few years down the road. But no matter how many times Law would try to scold him or try to get him to eat better, Luffy was stubborn and absolutely refused.

He wasn’t above throwing Law’s caffeine addiction in his face either, so Law eventually gave up.

“Are you planning to finish all that before we have to leave for Zoro-ya’s party or…?” Law asked conversationally when Luffy reached for a new box.

Law automatically put his arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders when he scooted over, pink box in one hand, video game controller in the other. “Torao, are you underestimating me?” Luffy shot back in return, a snicker accompanying his words.

Shaking his head, Law wondered why he even asked. Of course Luffy was planning on eating it all in under the hour they had left, and probably also eating everything Sanji was going to bring to the party. He made a mental note to try to save enough of the cake so that the birthday boy would get at least a slice. Nami really knew what she was doing when she forbade them from helping with the preparations and Law had to wonder how many parties his boyfriend had managed to ruin before he and his friends even started high school.

Suddenly, something nudged at his mouth and Law looked down, coming face to face with Luffy’s bright eyes, his mouth stretched in a grin around a new Pocky stick, which he was sucking on like a complete savage. Law would never understand what was so fun about licking the chocolate off until the biscuit was all soggy and then gulping the entire thing down because what was the point if you weren’t going to snap it? Why was this man like this, and why did Law tolerate it? It was honestly probably because the barbarian was so cute while doing inhumane things like biting into whole KitKats and sucking on Pocky—and because Law was weak.

Always weak to those eyes.

“Why are you poking me with a Pocky?” Law asked finally, pulling away a little bit in an effort to stop the incessant prodding.

Luffy cocked his head to the side, his eyebrows furrowing together slightly in confusion when he replied, “Don’t you want one?”

Law’s eyes slid down to eye the pink stick that was still hovering uncomfortably close and made a face. Fucking strawberry. “No, but thanks,” he refused simply, stopping himself from saying anything more. God knew he ranted about artificial strawberry anything more than enough on the regular.

“Oh right!” Luffy cried a split second later, slapping his forehead. “Sorry, I always forget you’re weird.”

Law scowled. The person who couldn’t even eat chocolate on a stick properly had no right to tell him he was weird for disliking a flavour, no matter how widely popular said flavour might be. But before he could so much a click his tongue at his so-called boyfriend, Luffy moved away from him and towards his Pocky pile, putting the strawberry flavour aside in favour of taking one of the other boxes out and returning to Law’s side.

“Sorry, I ate all the matcha—” Luffy apologized when he settled under Law’s arm again, ripping the box open— “but I still have blueberry!” There was a wide, triumphant grin on his face when he pulled out the thicker, light purple stick and shoved it in front of Law’s face.

Law chuckled at Luffy’s enthusiasm before he looked him straight in the eyes and leaned forward, slowly licking his lips; he took great pleasure in the way Luffy’s eyes stared transfixed at his mouth, and he had to stop himself from smirking and ruining the show too early. He waited until he saw Luffy gulp in response to the way his teeth closed around the Pocky stick gently, and then… he quickly broke the stick, the beautiful, satisfying snap of it breaking Luffy from his reverie.

Law would never get tired of how quickly Luffy could go from happy to flustred, or how amazingly bright his blush was. It was incredibly rare to see Luffy either flail or blush, which made the experience all the more gratifying, and Law didn’t bother to try to stifle the laugh that forced its way out of his chest.

He was just so adorable, especially the way he pouted over Law’s amusement while folding his arms over his chest. Luffy was probably trying to look upset and reprimanding but he only managed to look like a puppy who was upset over not getting a treat. Law’s smirk only widened at the thought, and he couldn’t resist ruffling Luffy’s hair.

The way the younger man leaned into his touch was pretty puppy like, too.

He wondered what would happen if he voiced his thoughts, whether Luffy would growl at him or if he would whine, but he resisted the temptation. He could tease Luffy more later when they didn’t have a birthday party to attend. And so, he only pulled Luffy a little bit closer, pressing a quick, little kiss to his temple.

“Don’t tease me,” Luffy grumbled but seemed to melt at the brief touch, relaxing into Law’s side as he put the rest of the half-eaten blueberry Pocky into his mouth. “You know you’re the only person I share food with.”

Law felt a genuine, soft smile pull at his lips. That was probably as close to a declaration of love as Luffy would ever get and Law would be lying if he said it didn’t make him happy, didn’t make butterflies go crazy in his stomach, as cheesy as it sounded.

“And you’re the only person I let hand feed me their food,” Law mumbled back, and goddamn it, now he was the one blushing.

These indirect confessions were seriously more embarrassing then simply saying ‘I love you’ but… the smile he got in return was worth it. Was worth any cheesy and embarrassing sentence; this man really had him wrapped around his little finger but Law couldn’t say he cared.

He truly loved this idiot, bright smiles and a mountain of Pocky and all.

[aion-rsa]

Best Thanksgiving Movies to Watch This Holiday Season

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This year marks a unique Thanksgiving, to be sure. With the pandemic carrying on, families and loved ones across the United States are testing out new ways to celebrate a national holiday that might be best described as food, football, and then, of course, more food. For some that means outdoor gatherings are the order of the day; for others it will mean the first time you might be cutting turkey while wearing a mask.

However you might wish to celebrate the holiday though, gathering with loved ones around a movie never goes out of style. For that reason, we’ve gathered the best Thanksgiving movies to choose from. Some of these films are truly beloved holiday classics, and others might be less obviously about Thanksgiving, even as they wear their affection for the holiday on their sleeves. And yet others still will offer the rare respite: a streak of cynicism for those who think Thanksgiving is for the birds. So pass the potatoes and enjoy a helping of good cinematic cheer below.

Addams Family Values (1991)

Addams Family Values might seem an unusual choice, but then everything about this one is unusual, right down to it being the rare comedy sequel that is superior to its predecessor. That success is in no small part due to the filmmakers realizing Christina Ricci, who made her big break playing the morbid Wednesday Addams, was devastating in her deadpan delivery.

Read more

Movies

How 1991’s The Addams Family Nearly Got Derailed

By Simon Brew

Movies

The Addams Family and Their Spooky New Jersey Origins

By Aaron Sagers

Thus Wednesday gets half the film to herself in this one, and we’re thankful for it. With Addams Family Values, she’s forced to endure the dreariness of summer camp and its middle class morality, right down to them holding a Thanksgiving pageant in July. Surrounded by smiling rich white kids who cast Wednesday as Pocahontas (who, it should be said, was not in New England or at the first Thanksgiving), Wednesday takes the opportunity to keep it real about Thanksgiving.

“My people will have pain and degradation,” Wednesday hisses in her last minute rewrite. “Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They say do not trust the Pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller. And for all these reasons I’ve decided to scalp you.”

The chaos that ensues is delightful. Happy Thanksgiving, folks!

Alice’s Restaurant

Alice’s Restaurant is an inadvertent Thanksgiving comedy directed by Arthur Penn, who re-envisioned Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow as counterculture antiheroes in his 1967 gangster classic, Bonnie and Clyde. Penn did the same with Arlo Guthrie, the son of folk hero Woody Guthrie, the committed anti-fascist who wrote “This Land is Our Land.” The film is based on Arlo Guthrie’s 1967 folk song “Alice’s Restaurant Massacree,” which was about Alice and a restaurant. The restaurant wasn’t called “Alice’s Restaurant.”

That’s just the name of the song, which is very talky, like the movie, which is also pretty violent and fairly drug-fueled. The film doesn’t start on Thanksgiving, but at an army recruitment center, where Arlo, playing himself, is trying to avoid the draft. Turns out he’s got no good reason to stay out of the war.

The Thanksgiving setting, however, gives the film its purpose, and main reason to be thankful. The main plot involves getting rid of some trash after a holiday dinner. Arlo and his friends load a couple months’ worth of garbage into their red VW microbus, along with “shovels, and rakes, and other implements of destruction,” and head to the city dump, which is closed for Thanksgiving. They’d never heard of a dump closed on Thanksgiving before, so with tears their eyes, they drive off to find another place to put the garbage.

It takes Arlo 18 minutes and 21 seconds to tell the plot in the song, in intermittent three-part harmony, but the gist is: he gets arrested for littering, and his criminal record keeps him out of the draft. With it, Penn turns Guthrie into one of the most mild-mannered antiheroes in counterculture cinema. He’s not moral enough to join the army, burn women, kids, houses, and villages because he’s a litterbug.

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

Perhaps not quite as iconic as the legendary A Charlie Brown Christmas or It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, the third Peanuts holiday special (and 10th Peanuts animated special overall) is still just as charming, wholesome, and satisfying as its predecessors. Once again written by Peanuts creator Charles M. Schulz and directed by Bill Melendez, the show has been a November staple on TV for decades since first airing in 1973.

This time out, Charlie Brown (voiced by Todd Barbee) and his sister Sally (Hilary Momberger) are getting ready to go to their grandmother’s house for Thanksgiving when one by one, all their friends invite themselves over to his house—despite the fact that Charlie Brown can only make “cold cereal and maybe toast.” It all gets sorted out in the end, and it’s all the little jokes, the delightful voices, and the unforgettable music by Vince Guaraldi that makes this a perennial favorite.

The Fantastic Mr. Fox

There isn’t so much as a mention of Thanksgiving in Wes Anderson’s stop motion masterpiece. Yet, somehow, it’s impossible to watch The Fantastic Mr. Fox and not have late autumn brought to mind. Is it the carefully chosen fall color palette that’s all sunsets and foliage? Is it the warm familial vibe of the Foxes and their neighbors that makes you miss big get-togethers? Is it the impeccably dressed cast of animal characters, all resplendent in corduroy, flannel, and tweed, quietly shaming you with their perfect sartorial choices? Or perhaps it’s simply their ravenous eating habits that puts you in the right frame of mind. 

With little resemblance to the Roald Dahl book it’s based on, The Fantastic Mr. Fox is instead one of the most perfect encapsulations of Anderson’s eye for (some might say obsession with) the little details. And it’s those little details, even more than its fuzzy animal characters, that make this perhaps the coziest of the director’s efforts. Alternately exuberant and melancholy (just like the holiday itself), and with numerous scenes of beautifully plated gluttonous excess, it’s remarkable that this movie hasn’t already been adopted as an unofficial icon of the season. Let’s start that campaign right here, shall we? 

Hannah and Her Sisters

The movie that won Michael Caine and Dianne Wiest Oscars, Hannah and Her Sisters is a story about family framed between two Thanksgivings and the year that connects them. With a meticulous insight about the highs and anxieties of upper-middle class life among Manhattan intellectuals, the film is really the travails of Hannah (Mia Farrow) and her sisters Holly (Dianne Wiest) and Lee (Barbara Hershey). There’s also the lust of Hannah’s husband Elliot (Caine), who pursues an affair with Lee, but the film is mostly told from the vantage of three women of varying ages struggling with how they see themselves and their lives in a year of New York living.

Writer-director Woody Allen is here too as a hanger-on in this family, who’s struggling with his own fears of death, but his and Elliot’s roles are ultimately as outside observers who arrive every Thanksgiving to watch the sisters and their parents renew their family ties… and close ranks.

Home for the Holidays

One that feels particularly timely as 2020 adults hole up in their childhood homes for Thanksgiving and beyond, director Jodie Foster’s underrated family gathering comedy wallows in the downsides of going home. The film stars Holly Hunter as a woman who’s lost her job and is growing apart from her teenage daughter (Claire Danes). But all of that pales in comparison to spending Thanksgiving with her parents (Anne Bancroft and Charles Durning), plus younger brother Robert Downey Jr.

Read more

TV

The Best Thanksgiving TV Episodes

By Alec Bojalad

Movies

The Long History of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Thanksgiving

By Gavin Jasper

It’s a familiar setup, but Thanksgiving is a time of being with those you’re familiar with, whether you like it or not. Plus, as a comedy it also has the still vital message of counting your blessings.

The Ice Storm

Based on Rick Moody’s acclaimed 1994 novel, director Ang Lee’s (Brokeback Mountain) masterful adaptation is a scathing portrait of upper middle class suburban life in the early 1970s, when all the experimentation in the world with drugs, alcohol, and sex couldn’t quite stop anyone from feeling like their lives and society were unmoored.

Like other dramas that take place around Thanksgiving, there’s very little to actually be thankful for: the characters (played with flair by Sigourney Weaver, Kevin Kline, Joan Allen, Tobey Maguire, and others) are all trapped in emotional black holes of their own making.

Similarly, all the decadence and crazy fashions/trends of that surreal decade can’t replace the feeling that something has gone dreadfully wrong. Lee–before he became obsessed with the latest camera technology–charts this all with patience, empathy, and precision.

Knives Out

Okay, so Rian Johnson’s brilliant little whodunit isn’t actually set on Thanksgiving, but it sure feels like it is and was released around the holiday on Nov. 27, 2019 (God, that feels like a century ago). So… close enough. And while the family gathering at the center of the story is for a patriarch’s birthday, it certainly resembles the kind of large family assembly many hold at Thanksgiving, right down to feeling like it could end in murder.

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Movies

Knives Out and the Villainy of Privilege

By Kayti Burt

Movies

Knives Out: When Murder Makes You a Better Person

By Natalie Zutter

The murder in question, of course, is that of mystery novelist Harlan Thrombey (Christopher Plummer), and it’s up to gentleman detective Benoit Blanc (Daniel Craig) to figure out which of his many bickering, backbiting, scheming descendants might have had a hand in it. Perhaps Harlan’s nurse Marta (Ana de Armas) can help since the clan insists “she’s like part of the family.”

All that’s really missing is the turkey. The knives are out, in abundance.

The Last Waltz

Perhaps no title card in cinematic history deserves to be heeded more than the one which opens The Last Waltz: “This film should be played loud.”

Not just the greatest concert film ever made. Not only the greatest rock documentary of all time. The Last Waltz may lay claim to being the only movie of any stature literally filmed on Thanksgiving. Martin Scorsese shot The Band’s farewell concert on Thanksgiving Day, 1976, where the audience of 5,000 was served a literal Thanksgiving dinner in addition to an unforgettable night of music by some of the most legendary performers of the 20th century.

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Culture

The Last Waltz: Martin Scorsese’s Ultimate Rock n’ Roll Movie

By Tony Sokol

Culture

New Deep Purple Album Whoosh! Coming in June

By Tony Sokol

But this is no mere concert film. Being treated to a document of such legendary musicians at the height of their powers would make this important enough, but when it’s shot, lit, and edited by Scorsese, and with The Band joined by towering guest stars like Muddy Waters, Eric Clapton, Neil Young, Bob Dylan, and many more, The Last Waltz becomes one of the most powerful musical statements ever committed to film. Scorsese breaks up the performances with members of The Band reflecting on their career, and even in these quieter moments, The Last Waltz radiates the power and danger of a life lived on the road, in seedy dives, and storied ballrooms.

When you’ve had your fill of football and family for the night, pour yourself a glass of something good and do exactly as that opening title card says.

Miracle on 34th Street

Yes, yes, technically speaking Miracle on 34th Street is a Christmas movie. But it is definitely worth noting that the film actually spends more screen time on the actual Thanksgiving holiday than Christmas Day. Indeed, the picture opens with the now legendary Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In the ultimate stroke of product placement, Macy’s New York City shindig got nationwide attention on the big screen, even as the movie focuses on the department store hiring the wrong Santa Claus for its festivities.

Arriving drunk and disgraceful to Macy’s preparations, an inebriated mall Santa creates an opportunity for a man who calls himself Kris Kringle (Edmund Gwenn) to step in. Kris is passing through, presumably doing some holiday shopping ahead of his own big day in December. But upon seeing his personage so besmirched, he demands to take Santa’s reins and in the process saves Thanksgiving. We also see how this affects the turkey time of the film’s central mother and daughter team, played by Maureen O’Hara and Natalie Wood.

Mistress America

Sometimes Thanksgiving can be quiet and intimate… and desperately needed. That’s the case of the end to Noah Baumbach’s effervescent Mistress America. A mostly successful attempt at emulating 1930s screwball comedy for literary millennials, Mistress America is a clever throwback set during autumn in New York City and, tellingly, a trip to the suburbs of Connecticut. But by movie’s end, protagonists Tracy (Lola Kirke) and Brooke (Greta Gerwig) find themselves alone and isolated in the big city on Thanksgiving. They also thus discover an excuse to reconcile after grievances drove them apart, breaking bread at a restaurant down the street. It’s downbeat, but emotionally cathartic for both the characters and film.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

As the late John Hughes’ masterpiece, Planes, Trains and Automobiles is the quintessential “get home in time for the holiday” tale. Steve Martin is Neal, a stressed-out marketing exec who picks up an accidental travel companion in Del (John Candy), a well-meaning but oafish shower curtain ring salesman. As the two struggle to get back to Chicago in time for Thanksgiving amidst a string of misadventures and transportation issues, an eventual friendship forms, leading to a moving conclusion.

Planes was a step forward for Hughes as he began to move away from teen comedies, and the movie’s balance of humor and heart was perfectly complemented by the dynamic comedic chemistry of Martin and Candy. The latter probably had his best role ever in Del Griffith, and it’s a tribute to both actors and Hughes that each lead character can be annoying yet is never unlikable.

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Movies

Christmas Movies on Disney+ Streaming Guide

By David Crow

Movies

Christmas Movies: A Complete Holiday Streaming Guide

By Alec Bojalad

Hilarious and poignant, this mix of buddy picture and road movie is a near-perfect treat for the season—or any time.

Prisoners

We wouldn’t exactly call Prisoners ideal holiday viewing. It’s set at Thanksgiving and immediately afterwards, although there isn’t much cheer during most of the film’s harrowing 153 minutes. The movie opens with a Thanksgiving dinner involving two Pennsylvania families, a pleasant ritual that soon turns nightmarish when two little girls—one from each clan—go missing. From that point onward, the story becomes a downward psychological spiral in which the search for the girls takes a terrible toll on all caught in its wake.

The first Hollywood studio film directed by French-Canadian filmmaker Denis Villeneuve (who has since gifted us with films like Sicario, Arrival, Blade Runner 2049, and next year’s Dune), Prisoners is a brutal, emotionally complex thriller that maintains a high level of suspense and dread over its formidable running time.

Featuring excellent performances from Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, Terrence Howard, and others, it may not be the kind of cheery escapism we often seek out at the holidays. But it will leave you deeply thankful for the good things in your own life.

Rocky and Rocky II

“To you it’s Thanksgiving, to me it’s Thursday,” Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) tells Adrian Pennino (Talia Shire) as they hit the streets for their first date in Rocky. That date wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for the tougher than tough love of Adrian’s brother Paulie (Burt Young). He gave them no alternative but to go out when he tossed the Thanksgiving turkey his sister slaved over all day out the side door. What followed was one of the best first date scenes in film.

It doesn’t seem like Rocky and Adrian have a lot to be thankful for. She says her daddy told her to develop her brains because she’d never get by on her looks. Rocky says he’s so dumb he couldn’t hope to be anything else but a fighter, which is halfway to being a bum.

While the scenes surrounding the ice skating rink date aren’t only some of the most romantic sequences captured on celluloid, they culminate in one of hottest. This is all before Rocky is even approached to fight the heavyweight champ of the world. The battered underdog Rocky stays on his feet until the final bell, and an almost equally bashed Apollo Creed, who barely held onto his title belt, swears he never wants a rematch.

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Culture

Could Rocky Balboa Really Have Gone the Distance?

By Tony Sokol

Movies

The Top 10 Carl Weathers Movie and TV roles

By Wil Jones

Apollo takes that rematch when he defends his title in Rocky II. The fight is set for Thanksgiving Day, and Rocky knocks the stuffing out of that turkey, and laps up the gravy. Many of the Rocky movies, including Creed, opened on Thanksgiving weekends, and are perfect “date movies.” The main bouts may focus on two fighters, but the love stories, starting with the one between Rocky and Adrian, are tenderer than the bird Paulie tossed in the alley.

Spider-Man

The original Spider-Man really is a superhero movie for all seasons. With its romantic and old-fashioned photography of New York City in the spring and autumn, the picture runs the calendar’s gamut in its storytelling of the webslinger’s first year on the job. But it also pivots on a rather eventful Thanksgiving dinner.

Read more

Movies

Why Spider-Man 2’s Train Fight is Superhero Cinema’s Greatest Action Scene

By Mark Harrison

Movies

Sam Raimi Spider-Man Trilogy Writer David Koepp Reveals Original Plans

By Joseph Baxter

Fresh off Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire) refusing to team up with the Green Goblin (Willem Dafoe), and after a blow up at a not-Macy’s Day Parade in Times Square, the pair’s alter-egos unwittingly meet up for Thanksgiving in Peter Parker’s apartment. It’s a swanky bachelor pad he shares with Harry Osborn (James Franco). But even with Aunt May (Rosemary Harris) and Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) there to give it some holiday warmth, things get frosty when Dafoe’s patriarchal Norman realizes the kid passing him the cranberries is his mortal enemy. Awkward.

And yes, nearly 20 years later this strangely does feel like a holiday movie, doesn’t it?

ThanksKilling

This film is terrible. An exploitative C-cheapie horror where a turkey possessed by a demon with a smart mouth hunts and murders coeds. But if that’s your jam… well, it exists.

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The post Best Thanksgiving Movies to Watch This Holiday Season appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[uozlulu]

Going to stick these here for now in case I lose the file or need it to be easier to search or something.

Notes on the ES21 soulmate mark AU fic I was rambling about in this post. Just kind of organizing things so when it comes time to write it I can hopefully write it quickly. 

Some characters might not show up, others might get added to the list. Those missing so far are characters I either felt like I didn’t have confidence in writing or didn’t really remember since it’s been over 10 years since I finished the manga. Also trying to keep the cast of active characters on the small side even though a lot of characters will be there if only in general. All flashbacks/scenes/etc...will need proper fleshing out and so forth of course. These are all just my initial ideas, which are highly likely to evolve as I go as all my fics tend to do. 

Probably going to wait until I finish watching the anime before writing it. Kind of tried to be canon compliant but also didn’t want to spend oodles of time tracking down details, so just kind of setting the goal as having fun with the AU and letting it do what it wants to do

Headcanons: 

The World Bowl VI was Sunday, August 2, 2020. (It’s where the top football teams from around the world kick off the football season with a three week tournament started in 2015). The rehearsal is Friday, August 7, 2020. The wedding is Saturday August 8, 2020. Everyone goes home sometime Sunday, August 9, 2020. They have the ranch from Tuesday, August 4, 2020 – Monday, August 10, 2020.

High school football players form Japan, pro players from around the world, friends from school, friends from college are all invited along with their spouses, partners, significant others, and kids. Family members include Tetsuma’s mom who looks like him and their Seibu high school coach.

Sena –34 in December, played for Enma University from 2005 – 2009, been with the Seattle Superstars since 2009. Starting to contemplate retiring. The Seattle recruiter saw Sena’s tryout back in high school and tracked him down to beg him to sign with Seattle when Sena finally cashed in his NFL draft invitation from the Youth World Cup. Officially been in a long-distance relationship with Panther since 2010, but really they’ve kind of been a thing for longer than that.

Hiruma – 34 since February, plays for the San-Antonio Armadillos since 2006, likes to say he won’t retire until his age is his jersey number (55). Has been living with Mamori since 2006. They’re not married, but their daughter was born in 2017.

Kurita – 35 since July, played with the Tokyo Stallions, played from 2008 – 2016, works at the temple now.

Monta –34 on August 31, played for the San Antonio Armadillos from 2008 – 2013, having to retire after a career-ending injury at the start of the 2012 – 2013 season. Married Suzuna in 2008. They have a daughter born in 2010 and a son born in 2012. After retirement, he returned to Japan and he’s been coaching and teaching at Deimon ever since.

Juumonji –34 in October, Kuroki 34 on September 1, Togano 34 in October – all went on to have fairly normal jobs (banker, office worker, advertising). Kuroki is married with a kid or two, Juumonji is gay and has a partner who works the same bank and is his “roommate,” Togano is still single.

Yukimitsu – 34 since February, never played football again after high school, became a veterinarian.

Komusubi – 33 since January – never played football again after high school, became a personal trainer.

Ishimaru – 35 in October, never played football again after high school, went on to run in the Hakone Eikoden in university, has a normal job

Taki – 35 since April, played with the Orlando Divers 2004 – 2008 and then was traded to the Nashville Fighters where he’s been since 2008. Never married. Does he date anyone? Who knows. “My brother,” “my niece,” “my nephew.”

Musashi – 35 since Apirl, been playing the the Takekura Construction Babels since 2004, still working construction, personal life is pretty private, but does have a son who plays elementary school soccer.

Mamori 35 in November, ENL teacher to small children, still helps strategize football, been living with Hiruma since 2006 and had a daughter in 2017, living her best life

Suzuna 33 since March, married to Monta since 2008 with two kids, first of the group to get married, part-time matchmaker, has a decent success rate. Hiruma = You-nii, Juumonji = Monjii, Kuroki = Kurokki, Togano = Toga, Komusubi = Kamusubicchi, Yukimitsu = Yukki, Ishimaru = Tet-chan, Musashi = Musha-syan, Mamori = Mamo-nee, Kid = Kiddon,” Cereberus = Ceru, Sena has no nickname

Kid (Mushanokoji Shien) – 35 in November, comes from a noble line, at odds with parents over lifestyle choices and is now estranged, played with the Takekura Construction Babels from 2004 – 2005, played with the Tokyo Stallions from 2005 – 2010, played with the Houston Fishermen from 2010 – 2020. Started Sports Club with Tetsuma in 2012, which is a revitalization of the Boys and Girls Club concept. Hopes to keep working and growing the club in retirement. Been with Tetsuma since 2006. Wanted to enjoy being married so that’s why they waited until they were retired from pro ball.

Tetsuma – 35 since May, his mom looks just like him, played for the Tokyo Stallions from 2004 – 2008, played for the Dallas Titans from 2008 – 2020. Helps Kid run Sports Club, very good at organizing and budgeting.

Riku – turned 34 in April, played with Enma Fires from 2005 – 2009, played with the Yokohama Belugas from 2009 – 2015, still wears the team’s squid hat merch when it’s cold outside. Retired after a horrific injury which he still uses a cane for. Runs a pet bird store. Dated lots of people, still hasn’t settled for anyone.

Buffalo – 36 in October, got rid of the dreads soon after graduation in a bid to try and fit into Japanese society, now his hair is just long. Moved to the US in 2005 and ended up doing stuff like MMA, Ninja Warrior, and UFC. Has an American wife and three daughters (ages 12, 9, and 7).

Horide – no canon age, so let’s assume he’s roughly like late 50’s – early 60’s by 2020, still coaching football, but considering retirement, proud of all the kids who have ever been on his team. He’s pretty much in a parental position in the audience seating, and treated as one might treat a dad during such an event

Saba –mid-30’s, no real wiki info, became an office worker, has one child, didn’t play football after high school.

Aiuchi Hina – mid 30’s, not much wiki info, head cheerleader, Miss Seibu, probably married to an unnamed former teammate, and probably has at least one kid

Shin – 35 since July, played for Ojou Silver Knights 2004 – 2009, played for the New England Musketeers since 2009, has many Super Bowl wins, a true legend in both the US and Japan. Ignores tabloid rumors about him dating models and singers so he can enjoy some privacy with his partner, an indie rocker who preformed the half time show in 2013. They’ve been living together out in the middle of nowhere upstate New York since 2016 in a modest house that no one really would think celebrities owned. Has a condo near the Musketeers’ training facilities.

Sakuraba – 34 since March, played for the Ojou Silver Knights 2004 – 2009, played for the Seattle Superstars from 2009 – 2018, retired because he wanted to do something else with his life. Has gone on to play in a local band that’s had moderate success around the Pacific Northwest touring clubs, lounges, and bars. Keeps his private life very private.

Panther – probably 34 (no birthday given), likely graduated high school in 2005 like Sena, so probably met Sena the summer before sophomore year at high school, maybe has a summer birthday and was already 16 when they met. Nasa Aliens/Shuttles was a travel team he was in from 2001 – 2005, also played high school football with his local high school from 2001 – 2005, played with the San Antonio Armadillos since 2005, took business courses online and has a degree since he thought that might help him keep from falling into pitfalls other pro-athletes fall into with money and retirement. Didn’t have a cellphone when he met Sena, but they exchanged e-mail addresses. When Sena went to Notre Dame High School, they exchanged AIM handles and got to talk to each other more often since they were on the same time zone. Eventually exchanged numbers once Panther got a cellphone after graduating high school. Kind of were rocking the long distance relationship chic before it was an official relationship.

Jeremy – probably 34 or 35, the kid with the glasses, still close friends with Panther. Played at Stanford from 2004/2005 – 2006/2007, knows multiple languages for fun so he’s still not the best translator. Continued his degree while playing professionally because he promised. Played with the New England Musketeers since 2006/2007 and retired earlier in 2020. Has a son and daughter (ages 6 and 9). His wife is a teacher.

Homer – probably 34 or 35, the kid with the long hair, also still close friends with Panther and Jeremy, chose to go into the NFL draft upon graduating high school. Played for the Nashville Fighters from 2004/2005 – 2010/2011, and then got transferred to the Chicago Gangsters in 2010/2011 and retired in 2018 back to Houston where he helps run a charity that picks up the slack across Texas after disasters when FEMA can’t get its act together to help people. He’s currently trying to build the charity up so it can function in multiple states.

Big Brother Gonzales – probably 36 maybe about to turn 37, biggest guy from the travel team and probably the oldest member. Played with the University of Kentucky from 2002/2003 – 2006/2007, played for the Denver Pumas from 2006/2007 – 2010/2011 when he had a career ending injury. Had his kanji tattoo covered up and started collecting more tattoos. Has also gotten the correct kanji tattooed on him at some point.

Little Brother Gonzales – probably 32, never really got as big as his brother so he never played football after high school. Had a few tattoos including the dumb one from high school.

Vague Summary:

Sena/Panther soulmate fic in which Kid and Tetsuma’s wedding brings most the gang and more together. Kind of a choose to stick together thing? Idek. See where it goes. Think of it like a romcom movie maybe?

Soulmate Concept:

In this world, soulmates are considered near-extinct but they really aren’t. Lots of people have a wide variety of soulmates, it’s just that their soulmarks aren’t very obvious. For example, Mamori and Hiruma both have a splattering of freckles on their hands that are actually a continuation of each other’s pattern, but it’s too subtle and freckley to really realize what it truly means. Other people might have birthmarks that fit together or have moles placed in the exact same places or mirrored places, etc…However, there’s a subclass of soulmate marks for those who have a truly deep bond. Those marks have a more distinct look to them. Sena has what looks like roses cascading down his Soulmate marks tend to start developing upon meeting your soulmate and evolve as your relationship deepen, so Mamori and Hiruma upon meeting in first-year were probably like huh freckles, and by second year it’s like lots of freckles but who cares it’s just mysterious high school freckles.

Flashbacks:

Panther and Sena: 

2002 – Hanging out by the river bank after practice before Panther has to regroup with the others where they’re staying. Sena’s soulmate mark is on his right leg and  looks like cascading roses except more impressionist since the mark is still forming. Panther’s looks like chrysanthemums following a similar pattern on his right leg. At the time they think it’s kind of weird, but don’t over think it. Sena’s dad told him that most people develop one in high school and he has something like he and his best friend have stuff like that on their arms.

2002 – Sena asks Panther for his number after the cat incident, but Panther doesn’t have a cellphone yet. He does have e-mail and AIM, so they exchange e-mails because Sena doesn’t have AIM. By this point, their soulmate marks seem more like flowers than birthmarks, but they’re still underdeveloped.

2009/2010 – Panther and Sena meet up to celebrate New Years and Sena’s belated birthday since they’re finally both living in the states now (even if it’s an almost four hour plane ride apart), end up deciding that they’re dating. They have a good idea what they’re getting in though because they’ve been long distance friends with a fourteen hour time zone difference so at least now they can more feasibly see each other when they don’t have football commitments

Kid and Tetsuma

2006 – Kid, being the only son of a noble family was going through arranged marriage hell. Texted Tetsuma, “Save me,” both kind of half jokingly, half for serious. So Tetsuma shows up in nice clothing (because Kid’s always talking about how people get overly dressed up to come over to their estate) and kind of just showed up during a marriage prospect meeting, held Kid’s gaze a long moment, bowed on his knees to Kid’s parents like a good wedding prospect, and then promptly slung Kid over his shoulder, and rescued him. They’ve been together ever since. Honestly probably would have dated in high school but social pressure got in the way.

Venue:

It’s a large, sprawling ranch/inn in Wyoming. It’s large enough to accommodate everyone. There are horses to ride, a functioning farm, and a view of mountains in the distance. Everyone chipped in money to secure it not only because it was in a location the press wouldn’t bother all of them, but also because it sounded like a fun time no one could pass up. Kid and Tetsuma helped organize the whole thing so nobody would be priced out of coming especially if they had to fly from Japan or elsewhere to come.

Wedding:

The wedding is set up outdoors with everyone gathered around the altar so it’s les syour side and my side and more umbrella shaped. Kid and Tetsuma enter together, Tetsuma breaks off at a full run and Kid quick draws the bouquet, shoot it towards Tetsuma, who catches it and holds it through the whole ceremony. The ceremony is kind of a mix of typical American wedding stuff said by the ordained and then the vows are Shinto, though there is no sake. Kind of a mix of Kid and Tetsuma’s love of the wild west and their commitment to each other which follows more of a  love, respect, console, help, and protect than a love, honor, cherish, and obey.

Reception:

It’s in the great hall of the ranch/inn. Lots of wild west/ranch/cowboy chic happening. Variety of food, mix of American and Japanese traditions. Kid tells the flashback about Tetsuma rescuing him from an arranged marriage. Reception ends at sunset and they ride off into the sunset together, heading to a nearby campsite to kick off whatever their honeymoon will be.

[youngbradford]

Xmas Message For 2019

And here we go, my 19th annual year-end love letter online …Georgi Balinov and I rang in the new year at a giant party in Bangkok, halfway around the world. That foreign location, its beauty and tastes, set the tone for my 2019, a year of seeing the world, while stabilizing my life. Though often in flux or movement, 2019 was a year many things normalized over the year.

In January, almost immediately after arriving stateside, I crossed the pond and saw Michelle Visage perform in the West End with Peter Wish. Afterward, I played with her wigs backstage and walked her towards the queer kids lining up for selfies and autographs. I am very lucky to have Peter and Michelle in my life, kindred spirits both. One reminding me that fame, fortune, ebb, and flow, but that being real is what matters most. The other, a reminder to stay forever young. I visited Berlin yet again and did the usual, working, and playing, hard.

February appeared and I traveled to Philadelphia with Sandra Hansel, Georgi, George Sapio, and Anthony DeFilippis. We toured Lisa Roberts’ house, saw a Dieter Rams exhibit, dined with George Alley. In Lambertville, that Sunday, I bought vinyl and vintage hats. Later that month, I got a swallow tattooed on my hand, a symbol of flight and travel, and Warhol’s knives, blackened into my shin. An Eames exhibit in Oakland was a sweet way to end the month.

In March with my crew, Georgi, Khadyon Reid, Luis Urribarri, Anthony, and George, descended upon Salvador for Carnival. It was insane! I watched Anitta live, and danced in a sea of pushing, fighting, kissing Brazilians for days upon days. I felt unsafe and alive, threatened and excited. It was intense. Back home I got my other hand tattooed, again honoring my love of seeing the world. I traveled to Portland, came back to NYC at the end of the month, finally moving into our apartment, the one we bought 1.5 years before, that I designed, and had renovated head to toe. Finally, we had our dream home. The weekend we moved in, the place was still not ready, but we were sick of living without our things and in other people’s beds. Peg Kendall and Georgi’s mom came, and we worked our asses off unpacking and starting to make the 2800 square foot loft on west 13th street a home. We’d lived in Airbnbs and friends’ places for 19 months and it was tiring not having a home, not having most of our things. My art! My toys! My shoes!. Those months taught me how important a home, a safe place, and the oasis of my collections is to my mental health. From March on I felt more on solid ground and dedicated more energy to my career and friendships as a result.

In April we went to Coachella, seeing Ian and Jose Seronni, JJ and Andrey Lunin, and dancing in the desert of California. Multiple trips to San Francisco, catching glimpse of old friends, scaling my team at work, as I took on more and more responsibility.

In May, George Sapio and I celebrated (me a little early) a shared, fun birthday weekend at Soho Farmhouse. Joined by Matthew Kelleher, Mark Silver, Jaime Tanner, Matt Lynch, and others, we went shooting and feasted on pheasant in the English countryside.June was really busy, insanely so. 

For my 43rd in early June, I had a 30-person dinner party in our new place! We ended up at Club Cumming after, but before friends, new, and old, showered me with a vinyl record, the admission fee I’d set for my party. Lauren Foster, who has shared her home with us, was, appropriately, our first overnight guest. London, again, Berlin, too. Then home for Pride. Willam Ralphie hosted Bingo at eBay, Zach Augustine, David Mason Chlopecki, other loves attended. That weekend danced to both Madonna and Grace Jones on the pier and danced with 15K others at Javitz, where my favorite singer, Cyndi Lauper, belted “I Drove All Night,” her best song, at midnight. I stayed until the sun came up. NYC was electric that weekend. Parties, icons, friends from the world over … the city has an energy you could literally see and taste. I caught a few moments of the parade, overtaking lower Manhattan, and I smiled really big. God, it can feel good being gay! God, the world has improved for gay people (and yes, I know, we still have ways to go, especially for more marginalized LGBTQ groups). But I still took a moment to acknowledge the things that are better, that I have seen in my very gay lifetime. NYC that weekend was the ultimate place to reflect.

July 4th I went to Hamptons, with Ricardo, Brian, Felipe L. Mollica, others, guests of Anthony. Hosted Fab.com reunion, walked the Brooklyn Bridge, and took my team to Korea (where I shared a traditional Korean meal with Jae Hah), China (where I ate bird’s nests, jellyfish, sea snails, saw a Yves Klein show with Adnan Abbasi, and danced to 90s pop in a packed gay club), and Moscow (where I was amazed at how clean the city was and where I went to a traditional sauna and was whipped, naked, with tree leaves in front of dozens of Russian dudes in the nude). While in Russia a protest erupted, literally below the rooftop bar I dined in. Russia seemed freer than I’d expected, way more Western, up until this moment. I ended the weekend at a club at 3 AM, Russian women in high, high heels, dancing on the bar, vodka flowing like water. 2020 saw me traveling to places I romanticized as a child. Russia, one such place. I thoroughly enjoyed the friendships formed in Moscow, the food, and history. I want to return.

August, I was back in San Jose and Portland for work, then off again to Europe for vacation. We started our trip in Croatia, where Georgi and I kayaked around Dbruvnik’s harbor. Croatia’s cliffs and turquoise water did not disappoint, as we boated to islands and swam in caves. Driving south into Montenegro, the architecture reminded me more of Polish, Bulgarian trips, the water, greener. At the Amman we laid out next to The Beckhams, watching David kick a soccer ball with workers of the hotel, and watching Victoria read a book. Georgi and I then ventured to Mykonos, sunning til sunset and dancing til sunrise. A weekend trip upstate with our besties (including a guest appearance by Eric Lee, riding rides at the Colombia County fair, cooking pies, and grilling meats, ended our summer.

In September I went to Berlin and did Folsom and a speaking gig in front of 1K eBay sellers. I went again to Tel Aviv, meeting gay Israeli technology workers and a bevy fo Israeli start-ups. In Jerusalem, I returned to the wonderful Machneyuda with Gilad Ayalon, where they remembered me from my birthday the year before.

October saw us hosting my mother and my niece for a visit. We fell in love with Company XVI, a dance/burlesque/performance art troupe in Brooklyn. I took my mother to see Madonna, a night I will cherish forever. And we saw Dear Evan Hanson. A weekend in Miami with Lauren Foster and K was needed warmth. I took Georgi to see both acts of The Inheritance (so good!).  Then off to Berlin, again, and Paris, where I looked at art and went shopping for fall clothes. Halloween, in NYC, was brilliant and over the top; I went as white Pierrot clown. In Brooklyn, to Honey Dijon, we danced all night. Ralph Rucci, the American couturier reposted our photo on Instagram, calling it high-fashion, however, it was Georgi who won the night as Spock.

November I was in NYC early on, shopping with Thomas Cawson (who hooked me up with pink denim Helmut Lang), eating Christmas cookies, and being interviewed by Buzzfeed, a segment on 90s toys. I imitated a Furby. Then a week in Portland (I glow-in-the-dark-miniature-golfed), and off to Helsinki, catching up with former friends from Fab, One Nordic, Hem. Then to Lapland, with Georgi, George, and Anthony, lapping up wine, winter wonderlands, and dining on reindeer and elk. Dog sledding, snowmobiling, Northen lights! Another childhood desire checked from the list. Dinner with Michelle Case in London closed the month.

In December I went back to Berlin (my second home) and hosted a fundraiser for Single Step in our home. In one night Georgi and I helped raise $50K to help build Bulgaria’s first LGBTI center. It was also an impromptu holiday party: so many old friends together again in one room. And now Georgi and I sit in an airport lounge, awaiting our flight to Baltra, in the Galapagos. Once we land, we’ll board a 7-day cruise on a mega-yacht/small cruise ship. This, I feel, I have been waiting my entire life for.

I often write about how I was lonely as a kid. I was gay, I had a drug-addicted father, I grew up very poor. I oftentimes say music saved my life. But, I don’t write enough about the joy animals gave me too. I had so many pets: newts, turtles, tortoises, tree frogs, geckos, crabs, salamanders, etc. Caring for them, feeding them, gave me peace and allowed me to love. One turtle I had had a cracked shell. He lived in my room for many, many years. I always preferred him, with his defects, to the others. I think I feel the same about people.

As a child, I became obsessed with the Galapagos Islands, and mostly the tortoises. I would read about them in encyclopedias and race to see them at zoos. I always felt connected to turtles. They were my spirit animal. Later in life, I’d bloom, my feathers growing, my pride, alive. I’d no longer consider myself a turtle, my spirit animal changed. I told this story to my colleague Eben Sermon, who runs eBay’s German business: I always wanted to be a turtle. But I ended up a cockatoo. Eben brought this up last week in Berlin and it made me think a bit more about affinities for animals and how I have not had that connection as often as I probably should.

So this week, before we ring in New Years in Rio, I will honor the old me, the kid, the quieter Bradford, the sadder Bradford, by visiting those turtles, finally.

And I’ll marvel at the wonder of nature and evolution, both the evolution of animals and this world, and also the very real and dramatic evolution of my spirit and happiness.

Happy Holidays, Peace & Big Love

[stylinsonlibrary]

HOLDAY FIC REC

A list of 40 fics centered around Christmas, New Years, or just the Holiday Season. Happy reading and Happy Holidays!

A Dream is a Soft Place to Land by lululawrence (4k)

“It’ll be like a perpetual sleepover, Lou,” Harry had said. “It’ll be great.”

And it was...except it also meant that Louis’ long time, barely there crush on Harry had only grown into a full fledged, real life version of playing house where Louis all too often found himself pretending he and Harry really were together when they definitely were not.

Or the one where Harry might have told his friends that he was dating someone and has to show proof for their party on New Year's Eve. His best friend and roommate Louis is the obvious choice...but things don't exactly go as planned.

Running Down To The Riptide by sweaterpawstyles (4k) 

"I can't give you your present yet, Lou."

Louis furrowed his brows. "And why is that, my love?"

Harry smiled at his lap. "Because your present is under my sweater," he pulled his free hand that wasn't laced with Louis' and gently laid it on his stomach. "I'm pregnant."

Or It's New Year's Eve and Harry has a surprise under his sweater

The Stories That I Can't Explain by kikikryslee (6k)

“Are you closing?” the woman asked, rushing into Louis' store. “I just have to pick something up!”

“I’m really sorry, but if you come back on Tuesday, we’ll be opening again at normal time,” Louis told her, trying to get her out of the shop.

“No, please! I-” The woman dropped her head, and Louis watched in horror as she started crying. He didn’t do well with tears. “Please, I just have to pick up a ring, it’s- It’s for my brother, and he’s well… He’s dying. And it’s really important that I get it.”

Louis could feel his mouth drop open even farther than it already had been. “Um…”

Just then, a man walked into the store. He took one look at the woman and rolled his eyes.

“Gemma, you haven’t told another stranger that I’m dying, have you?” he asked.

The woman, Gemma apparently, turned to face him.

“Of course I didn’t, Harry,” she said. Or, the one where no one is actually dying, but Gemma likes to lie about Harry's livelihood to get what she wants. Harry isn't amused. Louis kind of is, though.

Rated R by cherrystreet (7k)

Louis gifts Harry with a surprise sex tape, and it accidentally makes its way into Harry’s family Christmas party. Ridiculousness ensues.

past our satellites by allwaswell16 (7k) 

Harry Styles has never been happier in his life. He has his dream job as a photo editor for The Chicago Tribune newspaper, and he’s excited to spend the holidays with his boyfriend, Louis. He may be a little panicked about the prospect of hosting a Christmas Eve dinner for both their families, but nothing will stop him from creating a perfect holiday season for Louis. Not even a difference of opinion about the Chicago Cubs, an allergic reaction to a Christmas tree, a frozen solid turkey, poor knife skills, a vegan guest, smoke alarms, reminders of certain male models, or the missing three little words someone longs to hear.

Or a little holiday story from the 'You’re the Light' universe.

A Story For the Ages by FallingLikeThis (7k)

Louis is sweating, his mother’s words still ringing in his ears.

We expect you to bring this boy home for Christmas, Louis. We want to meet him.

He should have known it was coming. After seven months of pretending to have a boyfriend in order to keep his mum from meddling in his love life again, he should have realized he’d have to actually introduce her to someone eventually.

haven't you heard by allwaswell16 (8k)

Harry Styles has been in love with Louis Tomlinson since they were eighteen. After six years together, Harry is ready to propose to the love of his life. The holidays strike him as the perfect time for a romantic proposal, but his well-meaning friends and family (including his self-appointed best friend, Niall) seem to thwart him at every turn.

Or the four times Harry tries to propose, and the one time he gets it right.

I Think I’m Addicted to Your Light by supernope (9k)

Louis is just zipping back up when the door swings open with a swell of noise and someone shuffles up next to him, shoes tapping loudly against the tile floor. Louis turns to see who’s walked in and just violated the code of the men’s toilet by taking the urinal next to him and is met with wide, green eyes and red lips stretched into a brilliant smile.

“Happy new year,” the guy grins, shaking long, curly hair away from his face. “You look sharp. Sorry, do you mind holding this for a minute? I don’t really have any place to keep it and it’s kind of a hassle, getting out of these things. Don’t want it to fall in.”

He indicates his legs with the hand clutching a pale pink phone, and Louis’ gaze drops. Speechless, Louis takes the phone, eyes locked on the guy’s legs. His gorgeous legs, clad only in a pair of black thigh-highs held up by a silky black garter belt.

Pining for You by peanutbutterapple (9k)

Harry sells Christmas trees. Louis doesn’t mean to buy so many of them.

make my wish come true by flicker_album (10k)

“We need to start decorating. For Christmas.” Louis says it in a tone that makes it seem like it should be so obvious to Harry.

Harry starts laughing. “Okay, Lou. We will start decorating for Christmas over a month early. Sure.”

Or the one where Louis starts decorating for Christmas in November and Harry indulges him.

every time i run, i keep on falling on you by hazmesentir (12k)

AU. After being best friends for 8 years, Harry moves to LA. It takes the keen observations of all of Louis’ friends to realise the one thing he really wants for Christmas is Harry.

So Baby Tonight Just Be the Death of Me by crimsontheory (12k)

He hasn't had much to drink, just enough to make everything feel warm and soft, kind of like the boy currently pressed up against his side.

Louis glances around the room and thinks that even though there is a couple leaning against the wall, a little too close to him, very heatedly making out, and he can hear the faint sounds of someone throwing up in the kitchen sink, and that the whole house smells of sweat and stale alcohol, there is no other place he'd rather be than on this couch with Harry curled into his side.

An AU where Louis is new in town and Harry invites him to a New Year's party.

Forget the Silent Nights by LadyLondonderry (12k)

For years afterward, everyone who lived at 404 E. Redwood referred to that Christmas as The Christmas we stole a baby.

Technically, that wasn’t the strict truth, as Evie had already been five years old by the time she came to stay in their crowded (but loving) home. And technically they didn’t steal her.

Either way, the last Christmas with the seven of them in that broken old house on Redwood all together was probably one of the most memorable holidays each of them had, what with the wedding and the the snowstorm and the raccoons in their attic…

And the baby they stole, of course.

If the Fates Allow by afirethatcannotdie (13k)

Louis yells at a stranger in a shop and a few days later, needs his help. Desperately. Then he discovers he’s kind of in love with him.

If Only in My Dreams by jupiter_lou (13k)

The one where Harry’s new flatmate, Louis, needs a place to spend Christmas, so he invites him to spend it with his family. When they arrive, everyone thinks they’re dating.

Let Me Give You My Life by midnightskies (14k)

Gemma has one rule for Louis while he stays with her family at Christmas; not to hook up with her little brother, so of course that’s the one thing Louis does.

Even Supposing by casuallyhl (14k)

Money is tight this year, Harry knows. As he strolls through the tailor’s shop, he knows this. But, Louis was right. This is their first Christmas as a married couple, and it’s the two year anniversary of when they met. He wants to surprise his husband with two wonderful gifts for his birthday and Christmas. He wants it to be unforgettable.

Or, a Dickensian London AU where Harry and Louis overcome illness, small budgets, and their own stubbornness to give each other an unforgettable first Christmas together.

i know you have a heavy heart (i can feel it when we kiss) by itjustkindahappened (14k)

In which Louis is spending New Year’s alone in France but he’s definitely not running away, and Harry is a french florist with an ever present smile who cares a lot. They meet a cold night in the outskirts of Paris.

Wrapped in Red by QuickedWeen (15k)

Louis backs himself into a corner and has two days to find a date to bring to the Horan Family’s big annual Christmas party to both appease his mother, and show up an ex-boyfriend. In the midst of Christmas shopping and trying to work out his dilemma, he meets Harry Styles, the cute volunteer behind the charity gift wrapping booth.

Didn’t think it would work out by swirlingchaos (16k)

Louis is a primary school teacher, Harry has a 7-year-old son in his class, Louis has a 1-year-old crush on Harry, and they have to put on the school’s Christmas play. Brilliant.

beautiful star by  tommoandbambi (17k)

The famous/nonfamous kid!fic AU wherein harry and louis have to host a school Christmas party and harry isn’t actually a druglord.

all i want for christmas is by crybaby (17k)

harry is louis’ daughters’ au pair. they spend christmas in austria

There Is a Light by perfectdagger (17k)

Christmas/New Years AU in which Harry and Louis are single parents and they meet at an odd encounter at the toy shop and somehow, they end up together, bonded by their little ones.

My Only Wish by rainbowsandlove (17k)

Secret Santa AU where Louis doesn’t know how it works and keeps giving Harry gifts and being not so obvious about his flirting.

Six Weeks by LadyLondonderry (20k)

When Harry takes the afternoon shift at the cafe, he meets a boy who drinks a lot of tea and never remembers his umbrella.

So Put Your Hands In (The Holes of My Sweater) by Kat_rawr (21k)

Harry and Louis go on a lot of not-dates.

love is a word (you gave it a name) by hattalove (21k)

it’s christmas. in between snowman building, tree shopping, and ill-advised skating on a frozen lake, louis and harry get ready to take the most important step of their lives.

Home for Christmas by haloeverlasting (22k)

The one where Harry didn’t think he wanted a family, but with a little Christmas magic (and maybe one Louis Tomlinson) he realizes that he is very, very wrong.

Yours In Fractions by FullOnLarrie (23k)

Louis and Harry are strangers who, because of a mix up, share their mutual friend’s apartment and bed over the holidays.

miles to go before I sleep by elizamackenzie (23k)

Harry lets out a sigh, and says it in the simplest way he can, “I go to bed on March 20th and I wake up on December 21st. And for me…” he lets out another breath, shaking his head a bit, “It doesn’t feel like a single day has passed.” Louis blinks, the words slowly settling around them. “So, for the rest of the months you just…”

“I don’t exist.”

And Harry can see the way the information hits Louis, his expression dropping suddenly, his shoulders slumping. Because there is a world of difference between being somewhere else for nine months and not being anywhere at all. Between voluntarily choosing to go—and potentially to stay—and having no choice in the matter. Between nine months of phone calls and visits and texts. And nothing.

Maybe We’re Perfect Strangers (Maybe We’ll Stick Together) by FallingLikeThis (24k)

Louis works for a gossip site and, when it comes to light that ex-musical partners (and lovers) Harry Styles and Ed Sheeran are spending the holidays together, he’s sent to see if the reunion the world’s been waiting for is in the works. But at the cost of his own holiday with his family. Louis really hates this job.

all the lights are full of colour by infinitelymint (26k)

Harry and Louis are separated, but for the sake of their two sons, they choose to spend Christmas together. It may just lead to a Christmas miracle.

Make My Wish Come True (Baby All I Want For Christmas Is You) by larrymylove (29k)

Louis has just agreed to spend the holidays with his family, and to bring Harry along with him. There’s just one problem…he and Harry have broken up, and are wanting to avoid telling everyone until after the holidays. The fake/pretend relationship AU with a twist.

Candles On Air by isthatyoularry (29k)

A Christmas AU ft. Pining, Heartbreak, and maybe A Happy Ending.

Like Candy In My Veins by littlelouishiccups (31k)

The A/B/O, enemies to lovers, fake relationship, Christmas AU that nobody asked for.

Frankincense-ational by LadyLondonderry (31k)

Harry Styles works at the Hillsyde Library with his friend Zayn and best mate Niall. It’s December, which means Christmas, which should be the happiest month of the year…

Except Niall just broke up with his boyfriend, Zayn needs to let up on the rules a little, and the library is getting their fire alarm system replaced, which means that for the next few weeks there are going to be firemen patrolling the library ‘looking for fires’ while the system is down.

Harry almost hits one of them with his car right off the bat - and of course he’s the hot one.

Happy Christmas, here’s to many more.

Find You Home by FullOnLarrie (35k)

When Louis lies to his family and says he’ll bring his new boyfriend home for Christmas, his best friend and roommate Harry agrees to play the part. It’s that, or be left alone over the holidays. What will happen? No one knows! Perhaps Santa will swoop in with a Christmas miracle. Featuring lovesick idiots, kissing and cuddling, pies and Christmas clichés.

Harry, Did You Know (that your baby boy, is married to his best friend?) by tempolarriefics (35k)

10 years ago, Louis and Zayn made a pact that if they weren’t married by 30, they’d marry each other. So they do, as best mates do. Enter Harry Styles, who’s new to town. He and Louis are immediately drawn to one another. Louis doesn’t tell Harry about Zayn, because they’re just friends (who are married.) Harry finds out on Christmas Day, Louis/Zayn’s “anniversary”. aka a marriage pact AU with a twist.

Chestnuts Roasting… And All That by elsi_bee (46k)

Louis is apparently the only person at his new job who is single as can be. It’s not a big deal to just tell his new colleagues that he has a boyfriend, right? Until he has to make this imaginary boyfriend magically appear at the office holiday party. Cue fake relationship antics with a certain someone who is more than willing to play along.

the impossible now by stylinsoncity (54k)

A wish on Christmas Eve sends Louis to an alternate dimension where Harry is a member of One Direction.

Also be sure to check out the Larry Holiday Fest!

[softmakoharus]

makoharu fanfiction - extra ordinary

Summary: It's Makoto's birthday, and spending another day with Haru is all he needs. Words: 7720 Rating: Mature Additional tags: Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Fluff without Plot, Married Life, Frottage Link: AO3 The first thing Makoto notices is the sound of his own name. It’s quiet and distant, floating through the air and landing softly at the edge of his consciousness. A second time, louder with more force, but still retaining its delicate intent. Haru’s voice, he realizes happily. Concluding that it’s something worth waking up to, Makoto opens his eyes to darkness and can tell it’s much too early to be up. Some sort of mistake, then. A dream, perhaps. He closes his eyes to let his dream continue uninterrupted. But he swears he can sense the weight of Haru in bed beside him, his toes lightly grazing Makoto’s leg. And he swears he can hear him calling out his name a third time, more sternly and with just the smallest hint of impatience creeping in. And then he knows he feels Haru’s hand slide into his own, the two hands resting next to his sleeping face. They fit together perfectly, fingers intertwining naturally and predictably like a recurrent reflex. It’s a wonderful familiar warmth, the smallest touch that wraps around Makoto like an enormous blanket and makes his whole body tingle. It’s not a dream, after all. That touch is real. Makoto smiles just a little but refuses to open his eyes again. “Haru-chan,” he manages to sleepily mutter. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing. It’s your birthday,” Haru replies, as if that’s all the explanation he needs. “Mm… Happy Birthday,” Makoto mumbles.

The response elicits a surprised laugh from Haru. “I’m supposed to say that. Happy Birthday.” He leans closer to place a kiss on his forehead. When it’s met with little more than a confirming grunt from his tired and stubborn husband, he continues. “Don’t you want to wake up? Hm? I’ll make you pancakes.” “Now? But it’s nighttime,” Makoto slurs. He peeks through his eyes just to make sure. It’s definitely dark. Haru suppresses another laugh at his confusion. Ever since they were kids, it’s always taken Makoto a little while to become fully awake and aware of things. It’s a trait that has only gotten cuter as they’ve gotten older. He lightly kisses his forehead. “No, it’s just early. I’ll let you sleep a little longer.” Makoto smiles, tired but doing his best to show how happy he is waking next to Haru, and drifts back asleep.

It’s sunny. That’s Makoto’s first thought as he wakes up, warmed by the sun’s rays that sneak through the blinds and quietly keep him from sleeping in too late. Instinctively, he turns to face Haru, but Haru isn’t there. That’s right; he woke some uncertain time ago, which means it’s some uncertain time now, and smiled as he wished Makoto a happy birthday—of that, Makoto is certain. He turns back to the window and notices the blinds are open a little, concluding that Haru must have done it so that as the sun continued its morning ascent, the light might naturally wake Makoto. Or maybe he had just noticed what a beautiful day it was and wanted Makoto to see it first thing. He does love sunny days, and though the middle of November is just as easily full of cloudy ones, he feels lucky to see a clear blue sky today. His smile widens as he remembers that those big bedroom windows spanning across the bedroom wall were almost the reason he and Haru passed on buying this house. It hadn’t been an easy task to find a house that ticked every single deeply detailed box on Haru’s list of things he was looking for. “The windows in the bedroom are too big. They nearly take up the whole wall.” That had been his flimsy reasoning, and he left it with Makoto as he walked briskly through the living room on his way out the door. Makoto followed closely behind and told him to stop and close his eyes, wrapping his arms around him and speaking softly so as not to disturb the memories that still lived there in the emptiness. Haru grunted, annoyed, but kept his eyes shut, turning around in Makoto’s arms to face him. “What are you doing?” “Just forget about the house for a minute,” Makoto replied, closing his eyes, too. They stood still, holding each other in silence, until Makoto spoke again. “Do you remember when we were kids and I fell in the sandbox? We weren’t good friends yet, but you reached out to help me up.” It was one of Haru’s earliest memories of Makoto. The other kids had rushed off in excitement, none of them looking back to even notice Makoto had tripped and fallen. Haru considered it the starting point of their closeness. It wasn’t the first time they played together, but it was at that moment Haru was determined to protect Makoto in every way. He nodded against Makoto’s chest. “I remember.” “I think that was when I really started loving you. And I never stopped.” Although Haru couldn’t see him, he knew Makoto was smiling, just by the way his words left his mouth, light and fluttering. “The older we got, the more that love transformed. And now here we are, married, and on our way to growing old together. Haru—“ “Makoto,” Haru interjected, opening his eyes to look up at him. It was unusual for him to cut off Makoto’s words, but he needed him to know he arrived at the conclusion himself, albeit with some gentle prodding. “I get it. And I know. I would be happy living anywhere with you.” Makoto met his eyes and squeezed him a little tighter. “This is a perfect house, because we’ll be together. That’s what makes it special. So forget what’s missing, and just picture us sleeping in on weekends in that big bedroom with the light coming in through the windows, and painting those awful gray shutters a nice pale blue, and right here in the living room, we can dance—well, maybe after a couple glasses of wine.” To exemplify, Makoto swayed back and forth with Haru, both of them immediately breaking into laughter. Their laughter filled up the emptiness, enriching it with the start of many new wonderful memories they would make here. Makoto holds his hand up over his face, watching the silver band glint in the sunlight. The day he got this ring was even longer ago than that, and he never grows tired of seeing it shine. He smiles and throws back the covers, supposing it’s time to get out of bed. Though there’s nothing too concrete planned for today, wasting another minute in bed without Haru sounds entirely unbearable. He quickly slips on a pair of socks to combat the autumn chill before making a quick stop in the bathroom. It’s completely silent in the house except for the sound of running water flowing over the freshly picked broccoli from the garden. As he shuts off the sink, Haru feels Makoto’s arms circle around his waist. They fit so perfectly around him, they always have, warm and strong, gentle but protective, a fortress made of flowers. He gives the strainer a final shake to dispel as much water as he can and sets it on the counter beside him. “Good morning, Haru-chan,” Makoto says, pressing a kiss against his temple. “I’m ready for my pancakes.” Haru lightly elbows him in the stomach. “You’re too late for that. It’s almost lunch time.” He takes a piece of broccoli and brings it over his shoulder as a compromise, which Makoto happily accepts. “I was out in the garden while you were busy sleeping all day. I thought you might sleep through your entire birthday.” “I wouldn’t miss my birthday dinner!” “Who says I’m making you dinner?’ “You! You said it, exactly… nine years ago, actually,” Makoto laughs, knowing full well that Haru remembers but never letting the opportunity to relive it pass him by. “It was our first year in Tokyo. My first birthday dinner. We were eating and you got suddenly emotional—“ “Stop.” “You were so happy I complimented your food—“ “There’s no need to repeat it.” “As if I didn’t always compliment your food—“ “Go take a shower or something.” “You looked at me and quietly promised you’d cook for me every single year after that. You were so sincere and your face was bright red. We weren’t even dating yet, remember? You got up to go get some air on the balcony, and I came out with you, and we just stood there, looking out at that scenery we never thought we’d be able to get used to, but we did. A little bit. Over time. Together.” Makoto notices Haru has gone silent, his hands resting on the edge of the sink, and fears he embarrassed him too much with his sentimental remembrance, so he’s relieved when he sees the small smile on his face. He gives Haru a squeeze before removing his arms from his waist. “Fine,” Haru says, doing his best to keep his smile from growing but utterly failing, “I guess I’ll make you dinner. For tradition sake.” “Thank you, Haru-chan. I’m just going to take a quick shower.” As much as Makoto would like to stand there and talk more with Haru, it is late, almost noon, so he should be a little more productive. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out where their days together go, how the hours pass by so fast even when time itself seems to stop. “Oh, I’ll join you in a minute,” Haru replies, a combination of feeling a bit dirty from working out in the garden and a bit excited about the prospect of showering together. “I’m just going to put these in the fridge.” Makoto smiles in approval and gives him one more kiss on the cheek before heading back to their bedroom. Showering together isn’t entirely unusual for the two of them; seeing each other naked even less so. But no matter how long they’ve been married and how incredibly intimate they’ve been, Makoto can’t help but feel a rush of giddiness. Haru sets aside one head of broccoli for the fridge, while the rest go into a big bag in the freezer to join the strawberries and green beans that were left over from summer. Though neither of them had any experience growing fruits and vegetables, their garden had been successful—by their own standards, anyway—with its bright berries and lush greens. If nothing else, it at least looked nice, complementing the full blooms of blue and purple hydrangeas. When Haru’s finished cleaning up, he gives the sink a quick rinse and heads to the bedroom. Strangely, he doesn’t hear the running water of the shower. He smiles imagining Makoto, despite all the sleep he got this morning, being enticed by their bed and all its fluffy pillows. What he wasn’t expecting was to walk through the bedroom doorway and see Makoto sitting on the edge of their bed, typing on his phone, completely naked aside from his orange and white striped ankle socks. Makoto hadn’t noticed Haru’s footsteps, but he quickly turns to face him when he hears the small laugh, having forgotten that he got distracted while getting ready to shower. He makes no effort to cover himself; the only embarrassment he feels is from the old thin socks he’s wearing, ones that he promised to throw away a year ago. “What are you doing?” Haru asks, smile persevering, as he walks over and stands in front of Makoto. His own bare foot taps the top of Makoto’s to let him know that he absolutely notices those stupid socks. Makoto smiles and continues typing. He slides his foot out from underneath Haru’s and places it on top, as if to sheepishly acknowledge his acknowledgment. “My boss sent me an email about next week’s schedule. I just wanted to reply before I forgot.” “Ah. I thought maybe you were sending dirty pictures to someone,” Haru teases, taking off his shirt and tossing it behind Makoto on the bed. Makoto sets his phone down on the nightstand. “Maybe you should check your messages.” He leans back on his hands to stare up at Haru, doing his best to smirk flirtatiously, though there’s a strong chance the execution isn’t quite as good as it looks in his head. “Oh?” Haru raises his eyebrows, his own smile never wavering. Makoto is especially cute when he’s being flirty, and the playful grin on his face just makes it even better. He takes a step forward, nudging Makoto’s legs open with his knee so that he can stand between them. Blush tumbles down Makoto’s nose and across his cheeks, sliding all the way up to his ears. He moves his hands to Haru’s hips and leans forward, placing a light kiss just above his bellybutton. His thumbs hook the top of Haru’s pants and underwear, guiding them down his legs. The plan was to shower together, but maybe that can wait until a little later. Haru kicks the clothes away and then gets on his knees, making sure to maintain eye contact with Makoto. Makoto’s not really sure where this is going, but with both of them now naked, he’s glad to let it go wherever Haru wants to take it. Haru quickly removes Makoto’s socks and tosses them to the side. “I thought you threw those away,” he says, eyes narrowing in playful admonishment. Makoto laughs; he wasn’t expecting to be reprimanded for that right now, but he’s willing to do absolutely anything Haru asks in this moment. “I will! I’ll throw them away! Whatever you want.” “I don’t believe you,” Haru says, kissing Makoto’s inner thigh just once before standing up. He leans close, taking notice of Makoto’s accelerating breaths, supposing his heart is reacting the same. “Makoto,” he says quietly, slowly closing the distance between their lips. Makoto somehow suppresses his urge to move forward and kiss him. It very much feels like Haru’s in control right now, and he’s going to give complete compliance. “Yes, Haru?” Haru keeps his voice low, moving to whisper directly into Makoto’s ear. “First one to the shower gets to set the water temperature.” And just like that, Haru turns and runs to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. By the time Makoto is able to process what just happened, it seems like Haru has completely vanished into thin air. “Wha—Haru!” He blushes even more, feeling his whole body get warm as it releases the excitement that was building up inside of him. He races to the door and can’t help but laugh. Just as Makoto enters and closes the glass door behind him, Haru turns on the shower. Water pours out from the shower head, and even though it looks inviting, Makoto is hesitant to step under it, knowing that Haru prefers his showers way too cool. “That was unfair!” “Maybe. But you always set the temperature too hot.” Makoto smiles and lets his shoulders slump. “Haru… it’s my birthday.” “You seemed pretty warmed up a few minutes ago. I think a cold shower is exactly what you need.” “Fine,” he says, stubbornly folding his arms across his chest and refusing to admit that Haru is actually probably a little right. “I’ll just wait here until you’re finished.” Haru shrugs and moves underneath the water, closing his eyes and leaning his head back to wet his hair. When he opens his eyes again and sees Makoto still standing there, he starts to feel bad. Even though he knows he’s not really mad at him, he hadn’t intended for the teasing to go this far. He sighs and takes a step forward to grab Makoto’s arm, dragging him into the water. “Will you get under here?” Before he can protest, Makoto feels the warm water wash over him and laughs. “Haru! You set it hot for me?” “Did you really think I’d make you take a cold shower?” “Well, I knew you wouldn’t, but I thought you deserved some payback for teasing me.” Haru opens his mouth to let it fill up with water and spits out a stream directly into Makoto’s face. Their laughter surrounds them, taking shape as it mixes with the steam now emanating from the water. Haru steps aside for a moment, suffocating under the heat, and sits on the white plastic stool to let Makoto wash his hair. It’s not exactly necessary, of course; he’s more than capable of washing his own hair, but it feels good when Makoto does it. He works the shampoo into a lather, gently scratching Haru’s scalp, taking special notice of the goosebumps that appear on Haru’s arms when he starts to massage his neck and shoulders. One thing that Haru will always be grateful for is Makoto’s hands. They’re large and warm and surprisingly soft, with the ability to touch him as firmly or as gently as each particular situation requires. He closes his eyes and lets his head fall forward, succumbing easily to the warmth and relaxation. “I’ll give you a real massage tonight, ok?” Makoto says, removing his hands so he can gently rinse Haru’s hair under the detachable shower head. Haru leans his head back and smiles, looking up at Makoto. There isn’t a day that goes by that he doesn’t feel spoiled being with him. Whether it’s just a small glance or a kiss on the forehead, both of which are very abundant, his husband constantly indulges him. And as much as Makoto wants to spoil Haru, Haru wants to do the same, not just because it’s his birthday, but every day. When Makoto’s finished washing his own hair, Haru quickly grabs the orange bath sponge, pouring out a generous amount of Makoto’s apple-scented body wash. “You don’t have to do that,” Makoto chuckles, though he definitely appreciates the gesture. Completely ignoring him, Haru takes a step forward and moves the sponge over Makoto’s shoulders. “I want to,” he finally says, voice quiet, threatening to get drowned out by the sound of the water and the thumping of his heart. Makoto watches Haru as he rubs small soapy circles all over his wide chest and down his legs. The first night in this house, he remembers how exhausted they were from moving everything all day. They agreed to take a quick shower together before bed—a bath would have been nicer, but they agreed they’d probably end up falling asleep in the tub. It didn’t take long for things to escalate from kissing under the running water to Makoto with his hands on the wall and Haru thrusting into him, their moans echoing loudly around them in the enclosed space. But this isn’t the same. What Haru’s doing now makes Makoto feel good in a different way, to be taken care of and looked after. It’s a different kind of intimacy, one that he appreciates just as much. Being together so long, he’s lost count of how many ways they display their love and affection, each one equally precious. Haru directs Makoto under the water to rinse off all the soap. And after taking a much longer shower than originally intended, which usually happens when they decide to shower together, they step out to dry off before returning to their bedroom. Picking out clothes is easy for Haru. He likes to be comfortable, whether they’re going out or staying in. He really only dresses up for dates, rolling his eyes at the way Makoto marvels at him and tugs playfully at his tie or insists on being the one to put his belt around his waist. But really, Makoto thinks Haru looks good in whatever he wears, even something as simple as the black t-shirt, blue hoodie, and black joggers he pulls out of the dresser drawer. While he’s getting dressed, Haru peeks over at Makoto to see what outfit he’s chosen for himself. Just dark jeans and a white undershirt so far, as he stares into the closet with his hand thoughtfully on his chin. Honestly, he could stop right there and it would be fine with Haru, but it is a little chilly for just a t-shirt. Finally he pulls on an oversized turtleneck sweater, Haru’s favorite sweater, actually. It’s light gray and heavy, the knitting thick but soft, with sleeves that hang loosely down to a tight cuff. It’s more of a blanket than a sweater, especially when Haru puts it on, and it makes Makoto look extra cuddly. “What is it?” Makoto asks, when he sees Haru staring at him. Haru smiles, caught, and gives an unexpectedly honest answer. “I just like that sweater. It looks good on you.” Makoto’s eyes soften and he returns the smile, wrapping his arms around Haru to envelop him in his blanket-sweater and once again proving how perfectly he fits inside his arms. Instinctively, Haru inhales and is disappointed the sweater smells a little musty and unworn, having sat abandoned and untouched in the closet for the last ten months or so. It will take a few wears for it to pick up the familiar scent of Makoto, a wonderful mixture of fresh laundry and crisp apples. “Let’s make lunch,” Haru says. “And I’ll give you your present after.” The two of them head back into the kitchen where they started, while Makoto thinks about Haru’s words. “After lunch…” he repeats. They always wait until the end of the day to give birthday gifts, so he wonders if there’s some significance to moving the event up on this unofficial timeline. Pondering, he starts to open the fridge to see what food they have left over, but Haru stops him by practically throwing himself against the door. “I’m not allowed in the fridge?!” Makoto asks, laughing. “Don’t look in there,” Haru replies. Not only is Makoto’s homemade chocolate ganache cake sitting on the bottom shelf, but so are the ingredients for the dinner Haru’s making later on. “Just go stand over by the sink.” Makoto laughs again but does as instructed. Admittedly, he did quickly scan the kitchen earlier for any sign of his birthday cake. Haru has gotten sneakier and sneakier with it every year, mostly to prevent Makoto from chipping away at it throughout the day and completely spoiling his appetite. Haru starts pulling things out the fridge and sets them on the island behind him. “I was thinking soba noodles with that leftover shredded chicken from last night. I picked some broccoli and mushrooms from the garden this morning. And you can make your mom’s sesame-ginger dressing.” “That sounds good!” Makoto replies. “Are there carrots left?” “Ah.” He grabs them and closes the fridge to get started on the noodles while Makoto makes the dressing. “We could grow our own ginger, don’t you think?” “Sure, I think it’s supposed to be easy,” Haru replies, letting the noodles cook while he cuts up the vegetables. He can’t help but look at Makoto out of the corner of his eye every time they cook together. It’s cute how cautious he is about everything, muttering instructions to make sure he remembers what he’s doing. No matter how much his cooking improves, it doesn’t seem that he’ll ever fully trust himself. But when he does find a good rhythm, the mutterings turn into soft hums, gentle melodies that guide him. “I saw that,” Haru says, making Makoto stop what he’s doing. “What?” “That tiny pinch of cayenne.” Makoto laughs; he’ll never understand why people like spicy food. “I wasn’t done! I’ll add more.” “I’m kidding. I can always add more to my bowl. Do you need help? You seem to be taking longer than usual,” he teases. Without missing a beat, Makoto replies, “I just kept getting distracted thinking about how much I love you.” As Haru scoops the last of the cooked noodles into a separate bowl, the spoon falls out of his hand and clangs loudly on the counter. It doesn’t matter how often Makoto says those words. Every time he so casually slips them into a conversation, Haru finds himself completely flustered. “You’re distracting me.” “You mean, you’re also distracted by how much you love me?” “Just put these in the fridge to cool down,” he says firmly, gripping the bowl just as tightly as his words. Haru’s cheeks quickly redden. There’s no stopping it. Makoto kisses them both before taking the bowl and doing as instructed. He returns to clean up his area while sneaking small glances at Haru. He moves so easily in the kitchen, like he could do everything just as easily with his eyes closed. Though Makoto’s skill level will never quite get there, he’s happy he’s at least competent enough to cook with Haru. It’s nice and relaxing and though he never thought he’d say so about cooking, it’s fun. “Was it cold out?” Makoto asks, sitting down at their kitchen table. “The sun makes it seem kind of nice.” Haru looks outside. He didn’t think it was too cold out, but Makoto is more sensitive to the weather than he is. “It should be ok to eat on the patio, if that’s what you mean.” Makoto smiles. “I’m glad. This will probably be the last chance we’ll have this year.” The patio is one of his favorite things about the house, and he thinks it’s a shame they can’t use it year round. Haru pulls the noodles out of the fridge and adds them to the bowl of vegetables, pouring the dressing on top before mixing it all together. There was a time when Haru would taste everything Makoto had a hand in making, understandably with reservation that it was made correctly. It didn’t offend Makoto; he would have hated to ruin a meal with a mistake. But now, Haru trusts him enough not to check his work. “What are you smiling about?” Haru asks, feeling Makoto’s eyes on him. “Nothing. I’m just happy we can cook together.” Haru returns the smile and nods; he’s proud of how far Makoto has come, and he’s happy he helped him get there. Makoto opens the door to the patio for Haru while he carries their two bowls of food out to the small square table. He really did get lucky with a beautiful day, Makoto thinks. The sun shines directly on them, though they do get some shade from the overhead wooden trellis that casts latticed shadows onto the gray stone tiles beneath their feet. And although the in-ground pool looks a bit sad with its cover drawn over it, the large oak in the back of their yard is stunning with its autumn-tinged leaves stretching well above their roof. Makoto shovels the food into his mouth as he looks across the yard, stopping only when he hears Haru laugh across from him. “What is it?” “You know you can swallow before you take another bite.” Makoto looks at him like he still doesn’t understand what he means. “You’ve always eaten like that, like you’re afraid someone’s going to steal it if you don’t hurry up.” Makoto laughs; his parents did always used to tell him to slow down when he eats. “It just tastes good!” It’s the same excuse he would tell them. “Maybe you should savor it, then.” He picks up a single noodle and nibbles the end. “Like this? Is this how I’m supposed to eat?” “Ah,” Haru laughs. “That’s much more proper.” “Well, speaking of proper,” he starts, reaching across the table to swipe his thumb across Haru’s cheek, “somehow you always manage to get some food on your face.” “We’re a bit of a mess, aren’t we?” “Mm,” Makoto concurs. “Probably shouldn’t eat outside where people can see us.” Haru smiles and takes another bite. “I was thinking about going to the store after lunch to buy those stone tiles.” “You mean the ones for the path to the front door?” “Mm. I think I’ll get the darker ones.” “That will look nice. Oh, trash bags are on sale, too.” “I’ll pick some up.” “Do you want me to go with you?” “If you want to.” “Of course I want to!” Haru smiles. “Of course I want you to…” “Good! There’s an ice cream place near the store...” “We’ll have ice cream later with your cake.” “Oh?” Makoto asks, a small laugh escaping his mouth as he leans forward. “There’s a cake? Would it be in the fridge? Is it chocolate?” “Forget I said anything.” Well, there was one surprise discovered. Though, it wasn’t really hard to guess, as Haru makes Makoto a cake every year. Makoto doesn’t press any further. It’s not really that he wants the surprise to be ruined; he just enjoys teasing Haru about his efforts to keep things a secret. “Did you want to take a nap before we go to the store?” he asks, changing the subject as he takes the last bite of food left in his bowl. “Why?” Haru suddenly realizes how tired he is and swallows his yawn to keep it hidden from Makoto. He was up extra early today to prepare various things. A nap sounds nice, but he’d hate to waste the day with that. “You just look kind of tired.” “I’m not.” Once Haru catches up to finish the rest of his food, Makoto stretches his arms across the table to link their hands, slipping his fingers through Haru’s and giving a gentle squeeze. “You worked hard today. Just a little sleep,” he says. “I’ll lie with you in bed.” Haru gives a small smile and a small nod; of course Makoto could see right through him. They carry their bowls inside and place them in the dishwasher. Cleaning up everything else can wait until dinner tonight. Once they’re in their bedroom, Haru folds his blue hoodie on the top of the dresser along with his pants—he hates getting too hot—and quickly gets under the covers. “Leave it on,” he says to Makoto, as he starts to remove his sweater. “I don’t want it to get wrinkled from lying down!” he argues. He knows Haru finds it to be a nice cuddly sweater, but Makoto likes to think he’s just as cuddly in his white t-shirt. His pants are the next to go, and he starts to feel a little silly undressing so soon after getting dressed, not to mention that he won’t even be sleeping. But being in bed with jeans on is uncomfortable. Makoto closes the blinds as tightly as he can to darken the room, though it’s mostly futile against the intense sun and the huge windows. He slides under the cool covers and moves to the middle of their bed to meet Haru, smiling as their eyes meet. “What?” Haru asks, breaking their eye contact to set his phone’s timer. He doesn’t want to sleep too long, but he also wants to be well rested so that this detour wasn’t pointless. Makoto kisses his forehead. “Nothing. You’re just cute.” “Oh? What else?” Haru smiles. This could be a fun game. “I love you.” “What else?” “You’re amazing.” “What else?” Makoto giggles. It’s no struggle to come up with a million more words to describe him. “You’re beautiful.” “Ah, you already said that, though.” “I said you were cute!” “That’s the same.” “No, it’s not! I wouldn’t call myself beautiful.” “Did you just call yourself cute?” Makoto laughs. “That’s not the point!” “Well, anyway, you are beautiful.” “Haru…” “And cute. And amazing.” He lifts his head off his pillow to kiss Makoto, putting all his sincerity in it, from his lips that lock with Makoto's, to his fingertips that push through his soft hair. “And I love you. Now let me set my alarm.” Makoto takes Haru’s phone and drapes his arm over his waist. “Hmm, let’s just sleep till we wake up.” “I thought you weren’t sleeping. Anyway, last time we did that, we didn’t get out of bed until the sun started to set.” “Actually, first we cuddled and fooled around a bit. We didn’t get out of bed until much later.” Haru rolls his eyes. “The point is, we wasted the whole day. We can’t do that today.” It was a good day, though. The lazy ones always are. But then again, somehow, so are the ones where they have a million things to do. Makoto leans in for another kiss, but Haru is resistant, keeping his mouth firmly shut, trying not to budge. Makoto pulls his mouth away, discouraged but not defeated. If Haru’s going to be stubborn for some silly reason, Makoto will just have to try and pull him a little more to his side. “You’re right, Haru. Let’s not do that today,” he says, burying his face in Haru’s neck and smiling when Haru reacts to the feeling of his tongue against it. He’s playing dirty, he knows, cheating almost. He pulls away to meet his eyes. “This time we can fool around before we sleep.” It was hard enough not kissing Makoto just moments ago. There’s no way Haru can resist an invitation this deliberate. At least it will feel more productive than sleeping. And honestly, a part of him was starting to regret pulling away from Makoto before their shower when he so clearly wanted Haru to keep going. He shows his approval by returning the kiss from before, accompanying it with his hand sliding up Makoto’s muscled torso. Haru sits up and lightly pushes Makoto’s shoulder, urging him to lean onto his back, pleased when he gives in so easily. Together, they pull down the covers, and Haru grabs the bottom of Makoto’s shirt to pull it up over his head, tossing it to the floor, staring for a moment at the way his chest rises and falls quickly in anticipation. One thing that Makoto just couldn’t get used to when he was swimming was the feeling of people staring at his half-naked body. Even though they weren’t looking at him with any kind of unwarranted feelings, it made him embarrassed and uneasy. But he loves when Haru runs his eyes up and down his body. It’s the strangest feeling of vulnerability and security. To know that Haru will be the only one who sees this, and to know how much he also loves it. He lifts his hips to slide off his underwear, kicking it to the floor and opening his legs. He wants to be as exposed as he can, for Haru to see every bit of his naked body, for him to hurry up and touch him somewhere, anywhere. “As I was saying…” Haru smiles, kneeling next to him. “You’re beautiful.” They both immediately break into laughter, faces going equal shades of red, less because of the statement itself and more because Haru absolutely meant it with unbridled honesty. Haru leans down to hide his blushing face and places his mouth over Makoto’s nipple while his hand finds the other, his tongue and finger working in combination with those words to elicit soft moans from Makoto. Somehow for Haru, using his mouth like this is less embarrassing than saying things like “you’re beautiful.” Makoto settles for running his fingers through Haru’s hair, desperate to do something to make him give up his own small whines but unable to reach any more significant parts of his body. Makoto uncontrollably moves his hips more and more as Haru continues to lick and nibble his chest, disappointed when he pulls away much sooner than he was hoping. “Don’t stop. It feels good.” “I can make you feel better,” Haru replies, positioning himself between Makoto’s legs. He lies down, letting his head rest against Makoto’s shoulder, while slowly moving his hips against him. He’s in no rush to finish, just enjoying the sounds Makoto’s making and the way he's getting harder beneath him. Haru wraps his arms around Makoto’s neck, breath shuddering as his own cock pushes against his underwear. Makoto grabs Haru’s butt with both hands, guiding him to grind a little faster, to make them both a little wetter, to bring them both a little closer. “Makoto…” Haru whines, and that’s all he has to say. “Mm, ok.” As their breathing becomes more shuddered, Makoto gently rolls Haru onto his side and mirrors his position. Haru puts his hand on the back of Makoto’s neck, pulling him in for a kiss—finally, they both think—tongues meeting, muffling their moans when Makoto pulls down the front of Haru’s underwear to free his cock. He takes his and Haru’s both in his hand and slowly strokes, things quickly getting more slick between them. They break from their kiss to let their voices out, looking down between them just for a moment before letting their foreheads rest against each other. Makoto moves his attention to Haru, slowly pulling his foreskin up and then back down, wanting to ensure they come together. “You’re close?” he whispers, knowing that his long quiet whimpers mean exactly that. Haru nods. “Make us come… Mako… to…” Makoto opens his hand to take in both of them again, stroking faster. They repeatedly call out each other’s name, strained and barely audible, until they orgasm. “I love you. Haru, I love you.” Makoto is always so quick to say those words after they’ve been intimate with each other. “I love you,” Haru always quickly responds. They kiss again, tongues lazily circling each other while their heartbeats slowly return to normal. Makoto reaches over to grab some wet wipes out of the dresser drawer, cleaning off his hands first. “Did any get on you? Or the bed?” He looks down at his black t-shirt, but it looks clean, then looks at Makoto and has to resist laughing. “I think it all somehow ended up on you.” He takes one of the wipes and cleans off Makoto’s stomach and chest. “Eh, not all of it, sorry,” Makoto says, laughing a little as he uses his hand to wipe a bit off of Haru’s cheek. “Do not even make a joke about me getting food on my face.” He laughs harder at that. “I was absolutely thinking about it.” “I knew it.” Once thoroughly cleaned up, they lie back down and face each other, easily finding each other’s hand to hold. These moments after when they’re both still a little hazy and flushed are some of Makoto’s favorites. He feels lightheaded, tipsy almost, like they had too much wine, like they could dance for hours if he weren’t so exhausted. He wasn’t planning on napping with Haru; he just wanted to steal some cuddles. But now he’s starting to feel drowsy. He pulls Haru a little closer, letting go of his hand to wrap his arm around his back, and shuts his eyes. Napping does come with its own perks, Makoto considers. It means they get to fall asleep and wake up next to each other twice in one day. And falling asleep and waking up next to Haru are two of his favorite things to do. “Wait!” Haru sits up quickly. “I forgot your gift.” “Surely it can wait till after we sleep.” “No… it shouldn’t,” Haru says, further confusing Makoto with his peculiar choice of words. Makoto furrows his brow. “Let me guess what it is first! I haven’t had a chance to.” Would it be something that requires sunlight, maybe? A solar-powered object? No, what would something like that even be? Haru stands up and opens the blinds to let in some more light. “You won’t guess it.” Makoto tries every year but never does get it right. “Where are you going?” Makoto leans over the bed to grab his abandoned underwear, slipping it on and starting to follow Haru. “It’s in the other room. Sit back down. And stop pouting.” “I’m not pouting,” Makoto pouts. “Just wait! Is it a… new pillow?” “No.” “A candle?” “You’re just naming things you see in the room.” “It’s not something in the room, then? Is it headphones? New shoes! A… cat!” Haru stops in the bedroom doorway and turns around. Makoto’s jaw drops. “Is that it?! Did you get me a cat, Haru?! Is it a cat?” “Just stay there and close your eyes,” Haru sighs, smiling as soon as Makoto sits down with his legs crossed in the center of the bed and does as he says. Makoto listens, hearing Haru walk out of their room and across the house to their spare room. He hears the door open, a pause, and then Haru’s returning footsteps getting closer and closer. The bed creaks and shifts as Haru kneels closer. And then a sound that is definitely not Haru—the tiniest little meow. Without waiting for Haru’s instruction, Makoto opens his eyes to see Haru holding a small tan colored kitten. “Haru!” “Happy Birthday,” Haru says, transferring the kitten to Makoto’s open hands. The kitten mews again. “Oh my god, I love you so much,” Makoto tells her. And he does. “I love you so, so much.” He looks up to see Haru taking pictures of him with his phone, not even trying to conceal the huge smile that spreads across his face. “Haru, look, she fits in one hand.” He smiles wide and pets her soft little face with his finger. “Oh, what’s her name?” “Whatever you want.” “Honey,” Makoto says immediately. “Because of her color, and because she’s so sweet. Aren’t you just so sweet?” He brings his hand up to his face and kisses the top of her head, nearly fainting when she meows again in response. Considering he once named his fish Fish, Fishy, Mr. Fish, and Fish-Fish, Haru thinks Honey is actually a pretty good name. “Ah, I like it. Honey.” Haru reaches over to pet her. She is very sweet. “Welcome to the family.” Makoto smiles. He realizes that’s why Haru had to give him his present early; he felt bad leaving her locked up in a room, even though he’s sure she had food and water and probably spent most of the time sleeping. “Did she come from Manabe-san?” Haru nods. Over the summer, a lady down the street had taken in a stray cat who was pregnant. When Haru found out she gave birth a few months before Makoto’s birthday, he asked immediately if he could adopt one to give as a birthday surprise. She had been more than accommodating, promising to hold on to the one Haru picked out until today, and dropped her off that morning. “If you want to take her to the living room, I’ll just take a quick nap. Thirty minutes. Then we can go to the store.” Haru lies down and sets his alarm. Makoto holds Honey up in his hands, her eyes closed and purring, undoubtedly feeling like the happiest cat in the world right then. “Look, she’s tired, too. We’ll sleep as a family.” Makoto gets under the covers and sets the kitten down on his pillow, letting her get comfortable in the space between her new parents. She circles a couple times before plopping down, eyes closing as she continues to purr. “And make it forty-five minutes.” Haru gives her another little pet on the head, then moves past her to cup Makoto’s face, fondly rubbing his cheek. “You’re happy?” To say he’s happy is an understatement, but he’s not sure what word could adequately describe what he’s feeling right now, so he simply smiles and nods. “Haru, thank you. This is the best gift.” Haru returns his smile, feeling just as much whatever-it-is-Makoto’s-feeling. “I’m glad I could do something to make this day a little special for you.” He furrows his brow. “What do you mean?” “Well,” Haru explains, “it’s your birthday, but we’re pretty much spending it like any other day.” When they were kids, Makoto’s birthday was a big deal. His parents would always take him—and Haru, too, of course—to some place like the zoo or park or movies, sometimes even traveling to a different city. When he got older, he was allowed to do those things with his friends instead. But as he got older still, the importance of birthdays seemed to fade. Even his yearly birthday dinner with Haru had become completely routine. “I see,” Makoto says. “But you know, today absolutely feels special, because I get to be with you.” “We hardly even celebrated.” Makoto smiles. He gets what Haru is saying, even if he’s most definitely wrong. “I just think… you’re seeing this as a normal day, but our normal days are special. Just being with you every day, whether it’s in this house or at the park or on a romantic vacation… that’s what makes me happy. That you’re there. Really, there’s nothing better than that." It’s true, Haru realizes. He never really thought of it, but hearing it, he knows it’s exactly what he’s always thought, too. His fluttering heartbeat loudly sounds its affirmation. “We’re… wasting time for sleep.” He closes his eyes, hoping Makoto is doing the same so he doesn’t see the blush on his face. “Let’s buy some more wine, too.” “You want to dance with me that badly?” “Yes. I think we should dance more.” Haru opens his eyes to see Makoto looking at him, his green eyes glimmering with adoration. He can’t say no to that. He can’t say no to anything from Makoto, not really, not that he could even imagine wanting to. He nods and puts his hand over Makoto’s, holding on to it, momentarily mesmerized at the way the sun manages to make the silver band on his finger glow, thinking about that as he shuts his eyes. It’s sunny. Makoto feels the light behind him, sees it spreading over their bed. But even if the sun weren’t shining, if the sky were instead gray and cloudy, his day would be just as bright. He looks at Haru. He doesn’t think he’s stopped looking at him since the first day they met. He’s warmth and happiness and sunlight; he's extraordinary, and so is every day spent by his side. That’s the last thing Makoto thinks as he falls asleep. The same as usual.

[measuringlife]

Measuring Me: Buuuut After This Week Things Will Slow Down a Bit

Week of August 4: My Birthday!  And Bad News

Lots of celebrations including friend visiting from all over the place. I get a call while at the African American History Museum while touring with dear friends and their baby who are in from Boston that my Mom is in the hospital with a broken hip. Kept birthday festivities scheduled as planned, including Jazz in the Garden with a wonderful crowd of friends who made me feel so supported and loved.

Week of August 11: Long Island NY - Round 1

I flew up to NY on Sunday night towards the tail end of my Boston's friends trip. It was grueling deciding if I should rush up there or not, but looking back I made the right decision. I couldn't handle all the business I needed to handle until Monday anyway. It was a flurry of hospitals, rehabs, doctors, etc. There was also going into my Mom's house after having not been inside for close to 2 years. My sister and I who had a falling out in the spring, made amends and were off to the races. Banks, respite housing, lawyers, notaries, a lot was handled in a short bit of time. Let's not forget I flew back to DC on Wednesday with a new addition, my mom's 4-year-old Chorkie (Chihuahua/Yorkie), Louie is ours indefinitely. 

Week of August 18: Fall Welcome Events, and Senior Living Tours

When I wasn't running 3 large orientations, onboarding a new grad student, supporting other major Welcome/Back to school events I was researching and email independent senior living communities near-ish me. Mom was surprisingly agreeable to not go back to the house she's lived in for 40 years and move down to be near me. However, finding the right spot was a multistep task. I wound up visiting 3 places this week and 2 more places the next. I also squeezed in a Hanson concert, and ACA meeting, a 90-minute massage as well as a mani/pedi this week. I've learned I need to take care of me before I can take care of anyone else!

Week of August 25: Grad classes, Vet visits, Musicals, Wedding calls, More Senior Living Tours, and back up to NY

This week was the first work of classes where I work, which was also the first week of classes for me as a brand new grad student! I had 2 classes, one Wed and one Thurs from 5:30pm-8pm. I actually had to race out of my first class which thankfully let out a little early to uber to the Kennedy Center to see am 8pm performance of Dear Evan Hansen - it was amazing! I also visited the last 2 senior living options for mom that week and had 2 Lisbon-based wedding planner calls. One planner was great, but her price tag was steep. One planner was rude and made me feel dumb. I had a wedding planning meltdown, but had a good chat with my dear friend SC who helped me re-group. I've been building (and will continue to build) a nice pot of wedding/honeymoon money. However, when I think about all the side hustles and sacrifices I've made for a lot of this money I don't want to blow it on "a party" that usually has more bells and whistles than we are interested in. So I'm hoping to plan a celebration vacation with loved ones and I'm working with a travel agent friend of mine. I spent Labor Day weekend back in NY, this time I drove - I left as the sun rose on Saturday morning and had a full weekend of bank nonsense, errands, got Mom settled in her "respite" stay at an assisted living community, went over senior living options with Mom, and going through my childhood bedroom - including my sister and I wearing our prom dresses. We took Freddie off all his meds because he health has not been improving and it seems the meds were only making him feel sicker - the change has actually seemed to help outwardly, but still super stressful. Also, poor Louie got neutered this week and was in a cone of shame for 2 weeks!

Week of September 1: NY, Grad School, Hiking, and Pump Official

I was in NY until Tuesday and then drove back down, I had another week of two grad classes, but after sitting through my second nutrition class I was sure that it was too much science and more work than I could handle. I ended up dropping that class before the add/drop period ended and felt relieved. I did another visit to Mom's top two senior living choices to view the exact rooms that were open. I also made time for fitness. I got a permanent gig teaching Body Pump on Fridays at 6pm, I had been long term subbing the class since April, but the instructor decided to give it up and I got to take it over! The half-semester Urban Hiking class I teach started this week, which has once again proven to be a delightful highlight in my life! I also squeezed in another concert too!

Week of September 8: Fitness, Mercedes Bastards, Injury, and Friend Dates

I kicked off the week with an all-day AFAA (Athletics and Fitness Association of American) continuing ed workshop that I had already postponed once due to my crazy schedule. It was really great though, I'm glad I went. I signed papers on a place for Mom which didn't come without its own Mom drama - but at least it was relatively mild. I squeezed in a couple of friends dates: manicures with AL, walk with LH, and a dinner date LB. I was still chugging through my one grad class, but having some concerns about if this program was the right direction for me, it's much more Public Health-oriented than the Fitness and Wellness aspect of health I'm truly interested in. I had a bunch of petsitting clients and have had them during all the previous crazy weeks. I already separately about the ordeal with my Mom's leased car, but Mercedes are crooks! I had toyed with officially taking over the lease, but there is like a $1500 transfer fee that "they can't waive." There's no way they are getting a penny more than we have to pay. I made a bunch of calls to NY based insurance folks I know as well as talked to my mom's insurance agency and my insurance agency to make sure when I start driving her car everything is squared away. Also, this week my colleague aka one other coworker because I manage an office of two had a personal injury that had her out of the office for about a week. As I well know, life happens, but it started to feel like when it rains it pours....

Week of Sept 15: Drag Brunch, Euro Trips, a Resignation, and Back to NY for an Explosive Visit

I kicked off this week with a highly anticipated Sunday Funday with some fabulous work friends. I got all dolled up and headed to a drag brunch in DC which led to gay bar-hopping on a beautiful afternoon. Despite making my way home at 6pm, I still felt like trash most of Monday, but thankfully I was off. I did have my first celebration vacation in Portugal call with my friend DR who is a travel agent. It was a really exciting call and the fact that I know DR already makes things a lot easier. We have a plan for me to make the most of my scouting trip in November which is a relief. I was having a particularly busy week and was just pushing through until we get Mom moved, when my coworker (aka person 2 of our 2 person department) drop a bomb on me, she got a new job and is resigning effective 10/10 which is 3 weeks notice. I can say I'm surprised she's a great employee, had a tough job, and has been with me for almost 2.5 years. I was more shocked by her not giving me any sort of heads up. I went to a tailspin back in Jan 2017 when the other half of my office left and I was alone. Thankfully I am not 5 months into my job like I was then, this time of year is honestly "the best" time to be short-staffed and I am looking to do a re-org that hopefully would make things even better in the future. However, it means a lot more work on me all the way around. I head back to NY via train this time! I actually had my Urban Hiking class start and end at Union Station which made for a great hike and for me to easily make a 4:15pm train. Saturday night was just pizza and wine with my sister. Sunday we headed to Long Island to see my Mom. We needed a durable power of attorney signed - the one we did when my Mom was first in the hospital didn't cover as much as we need and my sister and I need the power to act on my Mother's behalf independently since I'll be handling VA business and my sister is handling NY business. My sister has a friend who is a notary and the friend was also going to on LI visiting family and agreed to come to Mom's assisted living place to have us all sign paperwork. Well, my Mom out of the blue demanded cigarettes and wine before agreeing to sign the papers. This was extremely hurtful. Most of you know my Mother is an alcoholic. Did she fall down down the stairs and break her hip because she was drunk, it's possible. Has her drinking made my life a nightmare especially the last few years? Yes. Having her hospitalized and in the care of others meant she wasn't drinking, she was actually taking her meds, and she had company and therefore didn't need to call me all the G-D time. Well, apparently my Mom's sister bought her cigarettes the week the before (WHY?!?!). My Mom was having bullshit anxiety over an eye doctor appointment because for the 15th time she's convinced she's going blind (she's not, she's fine). She NEEDED the wine and cigarettes and threw a tantrum right in the lobby, right in front of my sister's notary friend (who at least knows some of my Mom's craziness), it was horrifying and embarrassing. My sister started crying and here I am trying to keep it together. I tried to explain to Mom that her drinking was hurtful to us, especially since we've both dropped everything to tend to her situation. I explained that it feels like she is choosing wine over us and she didn't deny it. I needed these papers signed so I conceded and said after we did house stuff that day I'd take her to buy cigarettes, but I don't want to be anywhere near her when or soon after she's been drinking. After some more bank business and errands, I dropped her at a liquor store (walker and all) to get herself her precious wine. I told her I needed to cool off and needed a break from her for a few days, I would call her when I was ready. 

Week of September 22: Grad School Drop Out, Wedding Planning, & Car Sales

As I drove back to DC on Monday knowing that I didn't get a chance to do my reading for grad school or work on a paper, I felt stressed (plus the stress of driving my Mom's brand new Mercedes 300 miles to DC as essentially it's maiden voyage). I have so much stress on between Mom stuff, being an office of one, wedding stuff and just general life I was at my max. The class was something I could do something about. I emailed the professor asking for an extension (I automatically have more compassion for my students now), but also let him know I was investigated dropping the class. Since add/drop and the refund period was over I was worried that since this class was being paid for my employer's tuition benefit that there might be some major financial implication. I reached out to the department chair and the HR benefits lady. The way the benefits work and the fact I hadn't used them before means I'm not on the hook for the $5000+ tuition or any of the taxes related. There is only a $27 gap that I will pay taxes on, OKAY. So I dropped the class and ultimately withdrew from the grad certificate program. I feel major relief, not only over this semester, but over the next 2 years that I had penciled in grad school for. I quickly realized that the AFAA professional development workshop is more in line with what I want than anything overly academic - I mean I already have a masters. I think eventually may get an AFAA nutrition certificate which is far less intensive and way more applicable than the route I was going to take. Now with my Wednesdays free again, I was able to make my triumphant return to my Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meeting and I was so happy to be there with my people. I also tried to carve out more time this week for wedding stuff. Talked through my new vacation celebration idea with some friends who will be on the invite list, talked more with my travel agent D, and with my friend DM who is traveling with me for the scouting trip. I'm feeling more focused and ready to make decisions. I also sold my 2007 Camry to a coworker who happened to be in the market for a reliable used car, just as I was learning that I would be driving my mom's car and therefore wanted to sell mine. We hit a couple of snags, like the fact that my car's aftermarket tints that came on the car when I bought them were too dark to pass MD inspection. Or that I needed to sign the back of the title over to my friend, the buyer. She learned AFTER spending 3 hours at the DMV, oops! I cleaned the car out and removed my stickers from the window and bumper - that 26.2 sticker did not want to budge!

What will the next 2 weeks hold is yet to be fully seen, but here's the summary I'm expecting

Week of September 29: Senior living lease signing, 1000 last-minute Mom things, ACA, Running a 2,000 person Family/Alumni Weekend, Teaching my last Urban Hiking class of the semester and driving to NY with my fiance T and Freddie (we don't Louie thinking he is going back). 

Week of October 6: Pack up the stuff that's going to VA with my Mom in a U-Haul van T is driving, I'm driving my Mom down (AKA the woman who hasn't left NY state in at least 10 years), move her into her new place, have two last days in the office having transition meeting with my colleague before she leaves on 10/10, I also have birthday celebration plans for T and my friend SL whose birthdays are this week. Also, it's my Mom's birthday so I imagine we'll be taking her out. 

[itsawonderfullifewithz]

The Passing of Pop Culture

The Final Goodbyes

Staying with Z in hospice care was like sailing across a misty lake. You knew your boat would hit land at some point, you just didn’t know when. 

I had signed the DNR forms the following day after our meeting with the Neuro team. They said we’d see a change within 24 hours. Nothing changed. She was still in and out of consciousness. I figured that the 24 hour time frame was a precaution just in case she did expire that quickly. 

Z.’s mom, dad and sister Rizza stayed at the hospital to keep vigil. Xavier and I got a hotel room, about a seven minute drive from the hospital. He was done for the school year so I wanted him close by. Ever since our Florida trip, he’s grown an infatuation for staying in hotel rooms. 

During the days at the hospital, Xavier kept himself occupied with his Ipad and repeated visits to the cafeteria and vending machine. For me, it was a rotation of take-out food, fiddling with my phone, board games with my cousins, and writing on the laptop. 

I did, however, get a chance to read When Breath Becomes Air, a memoir by Paul Kalanithi. Kalanithi--a young, up and coming Neurosurgeon was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in 2013. He died in 2015 at the age of 37. 

This was the 2nd attempt to read it. I tried reading it back in October but I failed to get beyond the first few pages since they were emotionally taxing. Z was still on remission and I didn’t want to open up pandora’s box by reading someone’s cancer memoir. 

Now, since Z was in hospice care and I was already experiencing a wide range of emotions, reading this book came easily. What struck me most about reading his memoir was that not only was he a Neurosurgeon, but also was well versed in classic literature. Since he couldn’t practice Neurosurgery anymore, his back up plan was to write a book. He also wrote it while undergoing chemo. I imagined him struggling and fighting for as much time as he could to get whatever he wanted to express down while his body as his body took the beating. Another story of someone who dedicated their life to saving others, but couldn’t save themselves. 

On the 2nd week of Hospice care, Z. became less and less responsive. Her friends, family and co-workers continued to visit her even though she could no longer acknowledge their presence. 

Many of the faculty wearing the gray t-shirts in honor of Z. I was touched. My wife was being loved by the people closest to her in her room, but also being revered by the people who didn’t know her in the hallway. 

When the sun set on Friday, June 21st, I kissed her goodbye and took Xavier back to the hotel. Trepidation sunk in my gut. I feared that would be the last time I saw her breathing. 

I was restless that night. I kept on waking up, glancing at my phone--worrying that I had missed the phone call that she had just passed. But, by God’s grace, I didn’t. 

I was already awake when Z.’s mom called. It was just before 8:00AM. She said to come early. Xavier sprung up from bed. He grabbed a muffin and an OJ for breakfast and we rushed to the hospital. 

When we got there, the doctor was listening to Z.’s heart rate. He told us maybe a couple more hours. 

Z passed within an hour. 

Seeing the confused look on Xavier’s face, I felt the need to explain to him what had transpired. I took Xavier to a private room down the hallway. No explanation was really needed. He kind of already knew, at least what his five-year old mind understood anyway. 

“It’ll just be me and you?” he asked.

“Yes. Just me and you. Like Kratos and Atreus.” 

And like the boat that Kratos and Atreus sailed, we had hit land. We had crossed the misty lake. 

The Nurses Honor Guard and The Funeral

On the night of the viewing, the all volunteer Nurses Honor Guard came and paid tribute to Z.’s service. Like the Night’s Watch, her watch had ended. 

We buried Z on Thursday, June 27th at Forest Hill Cemetery in Ann Arbor, MI. The sun was out with no dark cloud to be seen, much like the day she died. 

As a final gift to her, I placed her Mulan Funko Pop in the casket, saddened that she won’t be able to see the upcoming Live-Action remake.

The Passing of Pop Culture

I’ve only started the mourning process.  To some extent, I had inured myself to the loss. Z had spent much of the last two months in the hospital that her not being around the house was nothing new to me. 

The busyness of dealing with the funeral arrangements along with her assets had kept me float, only weeping in those quiet moments when I realize she’s no longer in this world. 

For me, 2019 will be remembered when many great things came to an end. Game of Thrones. The end of the MCU Infinity saga. There’s also the ending of the Star Wars Trilogy in December. Even The Walking Dead comic series just ended (issue #193). On a side note, Stan Lee passed on Z.’s last birthday (November 12th).

So I guess in some ways, it’s appropriate that Z. should pass during the end of these pop culture events. 

TV critics Matt Zoller Seitz and Alan Sepinwall ranked the Simpsons as the number one tv show of all time. As consumers of pop culture, we’ve taken that show for granted much like a household utility. Sure, the critics admit the show has overstayed its welcome for at least the last ten years--but those first ten years are unequivocally classic television. 

Maybe, I should look at my marriage in that way--it was like The Simpsons before it started to suck. 

I’m saddened that I won’t be able to share any more pop culture experiences with my wife. I’m sad that we won’t play more board games together with my large extended family. I’m sad that Xavier and I will celebrate Halloween and Christmas without her. I’m sad that the world won’t have a Raziel Dizon Tungol. 

Yet, I’m also heartened that (however brief) our life together was unquestionably and truly wonderful. 

[annakie]

It’s gonna be the future soon...

So, I think that it’s close enough to definite now that I can say something solid about it.

Very close to 10 months after my old, awesome company was acquired by this... other... company... that we had an extremely not-awesome experience with... unless something goes terribly wrong with my pre-employment checks,  on June 11th I’ll be starting a new job, at a new company, doing exactly what I want to do with people who I don’t know but I seem to like so far, in a location really close to home.

I didn’t talk about much of this outside of private channels because it’s always a bad idea to be negative about your employer when they’re your employer, but... I’m feeling such catharsis, and like the cold hand that’s been gripping my head and heart for so long is finally letting go.

Anyway, here’s a lot of words, and a few pictures.

Last year, on the five-year anniversary of working for the company I worked for, we’ll call it company A, I wrote this long blog post about how much I loved my job.

I really did.  I was so happy.  Most people who worked there were really happy.  The IT/Dev group were mostly very close with each other.  My team, the IT team specifically extended out with two others, we were honestly like brothers and sisters.

On August 15th, we were acquired by Company B.

I knew it was coming for like a month ahead of time, and throughout July and early August every day I made myself appreciate all the little things about working there, because things were going to change some.  But you know, we’d probably just lose the top bosses and maybe they’d cut like, Marketing, which would be sad, but understandable.  And maybe a few other people would leave and things would be different, but still, it couldn’t be that bad.

But it was.  It started when... for most of the employees, our stock was worthless.  A few people got a few hundred dollars but... some of us had been given stock in leiu of bonuses and raises.  So our outgoing board screwed us.  That cut, deep.  It wasn’t the new company’s fault, but we started out disgruntled.

And the new company... I think that the people in charge didn’t really want to acquire us, but were told to by the financial backing partners.  It was bad from the start.  From an absolutely ridiculous NDA/Non-Compete which many lawyers we consulted said we shouldn’t sign which made 5 important people just walk out instead of signing, and the fact that my boss was almost walked out on orders of the CEO for speaking his mind when in a meeting Company B set up to answer questions.  Our old and new CTOs just barely averted that from happening.

Picture break!  This is the old office, the view from my desk. I mean... Carlos wasn’t ALWAYS dressed that way,  just when there was a World Cup or Euro Cup happening.  But every one of those desks and a bunch you can’t see were filled with people I loved working with.

But within a month, communication and trust between the two companies was already shattered.  They made much deeper cuts from the staff than we thought would happen.  We lost one of our 3 locations, everyone but the 2 devs there were laid off.  The entire marketing team, almost all of the sales team, all of accounting.  And it wasn’t too long before my boss found something else because his days were numbered anyway.  And our CTO was pushed out a month later.  Expected, but it stung.

And in all this time, they kept telling us that we were wanted.  The IT/dev teams.  And we kept dropping like flies.  People just saying “Fuck this shit, I’m out.”  Finding something better, higher paying, less painful, and quickly.  For most of the last 4 and a half months of last year, I was turning accounts down.  

We were getting punched in the stomach by something from the new company every few days, it felt like.  There was no morale.  There was only us, huddling together for warmth as people were torn away or dropped out, one by one.  I organized probably close to 20 goodbye lunches, and several more “Hey who wants to go to lunch?  We’re going to ____, whoever can go, meet there at 11:30″ to keep in touch lunches.

The last one we had was May 11th, to celebrate my birthday and one of our remote guys being in town.

I take a picture at almost every group lunch we have.  I have so many pictures of various groups of us sitting at a table, smiling, all just happy to be hanging out together again for an hour.

This was the “new” Dev manager and Carlos’ goodbye lunch.

I can’t get into specifics of all the ways things happened that hurt.  There are so many things that happened that just left our jaws hanging open.  So many things we questioned.  This post would be ten times the length were I to really get into it.

They hired a new Development manager, promised him support and the ability to run what remained of the IT department his way, and then in actuality though, gave him no power and no money and no ability to change anything.  He was a scapegoat.  He started out rah-rah we can fix this in late October or early November-ish?  By Christmas, even his spirit was broken. 

We were told during the acquisition we would get to participate in the company’s bonus program.  Neat!  Prorated, of course, I mean, that makes sense.  Cool.  Well, December we get our bonus checks and um... it’s half of what they should be.  We did the math, a lot.  Several times.  Someone, somewhere made the decision that we only deserved half of our prorated bonuses.  That’s just the way it was.

There’s so much more.  But let’s move on.

We’d been told when all this started that they wanted to move our office and turn our development-focused office into more of a sales-focused office.  The move is its own story of hilarity, but those of us left got the honor of cleaning out the office and packing it all away.  We did, at least, get to take a lot of stuff home.  I am, right now, sitting at my desk from work, and my chair from work, in the middle of my living room.  What used to be my office is now in process of being turned into the living room.  I took home my favorite painting, a TV console, and lots of just misc stuff we wouldn’t need at the new place.  So that’s nice.  

Yeah so that’s basically my living room now.  The cats like it!  They got new beds AND a big cat tree out of the bargain!  Pemily only uses a bottom “house” level, Fry likes the bed on top and the bigger level right under it.  They use the beds a lot more, though.

There have been so many days where I would just get in the car at the end of the day and cry out of frustration and anger and sadness over what we lost.  The promises broken, the things that we were told wouldn’t happen and did, the things we were told would happen and didn’t.  The loss of so many people I cared so much about from my daily life.

And I should say, some of the people at the new company are great.  My new immediate boss, I really do like him, and I have always tried to be as honest with him as I could.  The last several months, I’ve been completely honest with him, for both his sake and mine.  He, more than anyone on their side, has gotten the brunt of taking several bad decisions by the higher ups on his chin.  The rest of the other IT team, they are very nice people and I enjoy working with them.  Even their CTO, well, there are some mixed feelings about him, but as a person, I like him a lot.  We’ve even hung out when he’s been in town.

So yeah... by the beginning of 2018, the IT/Dev team was down to like six people, out of over 20 when we started.

The day of The Move, January 27th, everyone on the team who was left got pulled into a meeting at the new place, while the movers were still moving our things in.

We were told that we were all losing our jobs in six months.  We’d get a (TBH, laughable, 12%) severance if we stayed the entire time.  Or, we could move to Kansas City, Kansas.  Hmm... from the #1 job market in the US to Kansas City.  Lol.  No.

Immediately, I mean like WHILE THAT MEETING WAS STILL HAPPENING, my last two team members from IT accepted other job offers they’d been mulling over.  My last other friend who I’d gotten a job there not long after I started, went from “Nah, I’m gonna stick it out.” to “I’m out.”

Eric was gone a week after the announcement, Carlos and the new Dev manager were gone the next week.   My dev friend and I were the last two left. It only took him about a month to be gone.

They’d designed an area in the new office for development and IT before they made the decision to move us.  I literally sit in this area of 10 cubes utterly alone.  Soon, the only people left from my office were 2 guys from sales and one project manager which... his story is a whole other doozy I’m not getting into.  Anyway, four of us left, out of the 30 that were there in August. And eight of the twelve from Memphis still have their jobs.  Twelve people left.  Out of fifty.

So yeah, this is my view.  Nobody sits in any cube you can see besides mine.  My back is to a wall.  One of the remaining guys DOES sit in that office on the right, and recently another of them moved into the office next to that one, which you can’t see in the picture, though.  That helps stave off the lonely a lot.

The same day we were starting work in the new office, the Monday after the day we were told about losing our jobs (Friday) a whole other set of people started work there, too.  Eight call-center salespeople and their manager.  

It was very apparent that first week that... whatever used to be my company was utterly gone.

I wasn’t totally alone.  The 3 guys left and I banded together.  They were already close with each other, and I did consider myself friends with them already but we hadn’t been like, close.  But they took me in, and made me a part of their clique.  That helped.  

And the new people... aren’t bad, honestly.  The manager is great, I really like him, and most of the sales people are nice, even though I don’t really talk to them much.  They have calls to make, and I don’t go to their meetings so... I’m  just... there. It’s still a weird feeling.  I mean, I IT Support them as is my job, but yeah.  There’s still a divide there.  The new office space is OK.  The building is pretty classy, we’re on the 7th floor right off of a freeway, it’s a great view.  Lots of nice amenities. It’s also a 45 minute drive from home.  The drive would be a little better if I wanted to pay $5 a day in tolls, lol.  No.

And mostly, I’ve been horribly bored.  I mean, sure, I’ve made it to like episode 42 of Critical Role.  I do all my work.  I help the people in the office who need help.  I set up cubicles with the computers and peripherals the Kansas office sends me for the new hires.  I find more work to do.  I’ve been documenting all the things I do in anticipation of when I’m no longer going to be there, and I don’t wanna leave my new team hanging when that happens -- none of this is their fault.  I’ve been wiping all our laptops we don’t use anymore and sending them to Kansas so they can use them.  I’ve been sorting boxes and throwing more stuff out.  It just... it wasn’t what I wanted to be doing anymore.  It wasn’t interesting or challenging.

So why was I even still there?  I had reasons. 

There was... an opportunity... I was told I was going to get.  It was solid, a lock.  And in fact at one point there was ANOTHER opportunity I was supposedly a lock for.  For quite awhile, I was waiting for one of these to pan out because either would have been awesome.  I just needed to hang on a few more weeks.

When suddenly it was April and neither had panned out, I realized that it was really fucking time that I stop waiting and being sad about what was gone, and to start actually taking charge of the next few months.  I had til July 27th to make something happen for myself. I’d been assured that unless I did something really terrible at work, my current job was safe until that date. (I very much appreciated that and suspect my direct boss and (possibly the CTO too) has stuck his neck out for me a time or two to make sure this happened.)  That took some pressure off. And I still had hope that the opportunity was going to pan out, but I could work harder to make things work out.

I first had to sit down and really decide what I wanted to focus on.  Before the acquisition, I had two halves to my job.  IT Support for the entire 50+ person company, and project managing our yearly SOC2 Audit.  I knew I could pretty easily get another straight up IT Support job.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I’d been doing IT Support for like, 18 years now, along with another half to both of the jobs I’d had in that time (Telephony in my previous job, and auditing in this one.)  I started to wonder if I could make a real go at getting a job 100% in auditing.

I started poking around at job listings for that and kept seeing the acronym “CISA” as a requirement for everything I was interested in.  So I googled it -- Certified Information Systems Auditor.  Intrigued, I spent a day learning about what that was.  I took a “practice test” I found online and thought “Oh, hm, I don’t know most of these answers but I do understand the questions.  I... I think I could do this.”  So I joined a professional organization for the first time, dropped a load of money on that, plus study materials, and set aside another $600 for when it’s time to take the exam

A great deal of my free time since early/mid April has been taken up by studying.  I’m hoping to take the test in late June.

I also modified my resume at this point to add that I was preparing for the test.  Couldn’t hurt.

In the last six weeks or so, I’ve probably applied to 20 or 30 IT Auditor type jobs, and some just more in general IT Security.  I’ve talked to about a dozen recruiters.  I’ve heard a lot of people say my resume is great and they could definitely find me a job.  None of them tried.  I didn’t even hear back from most of them, ever.  I’ve talked to a lot of internal recruiters, some of whom made me big promises then ghosted me, some of whom were excited to place me and then whoops it turned out the hiring manager promoted from within and all interviews were canceled... or something.

It was frustrating, but people kept telling me, this is also normal.  TBH, I hadn’t had to job hunt literally since the year 2000.  I’d read up a lot about what I needed to do, how to act and talk and what to say and how to answer the hard questions and I felt like I did well whenever I was given a shot.  It’s just that Something always happened.  I started to joke with my guys left at work that I wondered what this week’s Big Disappointment would be.  I was also joking that if I wanted to feel let down this consistently, I’d go back to dating.

Two Sundays ago I was doing a pass at job boards, and went to one I hadn’t been using before, but probably should have.  And there I saw it.

A job doing exactly the auditing things I wanted to do, but more stuff, that I also wanted to do, and I had almost every line of their “Must haves” already on my resume.  It was one of like, three jobs I applied to that night.

Tuesday I got an email for a phone screening.  I didn’t let myself get excited, but I researched the company as much as I could, and liked what I saw.  I also noticed, holy crap, they’re a 15 minute drive, all on surface roads and no freeways, from my house.  That. Would. Be. Awesome.

The internal recruiter was really responsive, and nice, and seemed interested, all things I’d come to not really expect.  We set up a phone screening for Wednesday, and on Thursday she said that the hiring manager wanted to skip a phone conversation and jump right to in-person interview on Monday.

Um, wow.

So I finally got a chance to wear that $200 interview outfit I’d bought, and put on the $100 makeup, and Monday, I drove the fifteen minutes oh my God this is awesome to the new place.  Holy crap there’s a Starbucks RIGHT OUT FRONT IN THE SAME PARKING LOT YOU CAN WALK THERE.  I took the elevator to the top floor wow this view is beautiful I can almost see my house from here! and met my possible new manager.  I kind of got the vibe early that he was already heavily favoring me, and our conversation was basically like “I need someone who can do ____” “Oh, yeah, I was already doing that, so I can definitely do that.”  And some of it was “Hm, I don’t have any experience in that area.” and he was like “Eh, but you have experience in this related thing, you can definitely pick it up.”    And it was a lot more like a conversation than an interview.  Always a good sign.

I’d actually put under like “Other interests” my masseffectsaves.com site and being admin and a major contributor to the TAH wiki, as a “see, I have other interests, I’m an interesting person” and he even asked about both of those things. I think being able to explain these semi-complex ideas helped a lot.  (Why do you need a saves site?  WHAT THE HECK IS Thrilling Adventure Hour?  And I explained that the wiki shows I am able to write well, and have a good head for categorizing information.)  

I felt things were going very well when he asked me to stay, and went and got the team, the people who would be my equals.  They came and asked me questions, I asked them a few, and they thanked me and left.

And then he brought in the CIO, his boss.  Later edit: this was not his boss, but someone very important at the company and I have since learned he told my boss he should absolutely hire me and I was perfect for the job and thought I’d do great.  And since it’s 2 months later I’m making this edit, he’s already told my boss he thinks I’m great. :)  And we had a good conversation.

Then I got the office tour.  That was when I felt really good about it.  And I had decided pretty early on in the interview that yeah, I really wanted this job.

The only downside is a smaller bump in my salary than I was hoping for.  But it’s still a bump. And literally, everything else is fantastic.

I left the interview at 11:30. 

I got a phone call from the internal recruiter (I made sure to tell both her and her boss how great she is) with a verbal offer at 3:30.  I verbally accepted.

(Side note, I also got another request for a phone screening interview with another company I’d applied to that same night while I was in the interview.  I did set up the phone screening just in case, but canceled it this morning after signing my offer letter.)

I signed all my paperwork today, submitted for the background and credit checks (because of the industry of the company, the credit check is like, mandatory.  And my credit is great so, no worries.)

My current boss knew I had an interview Monday.  I didn’t go to work Monday or yesterday, but I talked to him and let him know.   If everything goes well, I’ll be turning in my notice on Tuesday (Monday is a holiday), and the 8th will be my last day.

A week shy of 10 months since all this started.

To the people I’m close to who read this, I’m sorry I’ve been withdrawn for so long,  It’s just how I needed to cope, thank you for sticking with me.  IDK if anyone noticed, but I didn’t post on tumblr and let my queue run out for like three months at the end of the year.  I’ve still not been here a lot, but... enough to keep a queue going and make a few actual posts here and there.  It was really bad for a long time.  I didn’t want to engage with almost anyone about almost anything.  I didn’t feel like I had much positive to say.  And I couldn’t really talk about this publicly.

And now, today, it feels so good.  I just want to scream about how great it feels to be getting out.  Moving on! And to be fair, the last four months haven’t been terrible.  They’ve been fine.  Just fine.  They actually offered to let me keep my job, to be even more fair, back in April, at about the time I’d decided to start studying for my CISA.  Also about that time I was going through my first “Oh you’re gonna get this job!” excitement, pre-disappointment, besides the two that I’d been waiting on. 

 Oh yeah, of those two I’d waited on... one of them ghosted, and the other one, the one I’d really been waiting on, offically fell through like two weeks after I turned down the offer to stay on at the current company. I did have one weekend of “OH SHIT WHAT DID YOU DO NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO HIRE YOU WHY DID YOU TELL THEM YOU WERE GONNA LEAVE MAYBE YOU CAN BEG TO KEEP YOUR JOB” thoughts, a pretty bad panic attack, a bunch of scared crying, and utter despair in there.  Then Sunday afternoon I picked myself back up, and went back to studying, and told myself over and over there was going to be something awesome out there for me.  Plus, I had savings enough plus the “retention bonus” money to live on for a few months, if worse came to worse and I hadn’t found something on July 27th.  

And to be honest, I really didn’t think I’d find a job in It Security/Auditing until after I passed the exam.  I was applying to things, though, just in case, maybe I will.

I’m so, very glad to be wrong.  I’m still going to pass my exam, and there’s at least one other certification I’m going for afterwards.

Which is just another weird thing.

My whole life I’ve been like, drifting when it came to college and work.  TBH I never finished college.  I got into IT almost by accident, because someone believed in me and pulled me onto his team.  That person went from being my boss for a few years, long ago to now one of my closest friends  I stayed in IT + Telephony then IT + Auditing because... I could.  I always had a solid job that I was happy in (except near the end of the first job, the last 2 or 3 years were... hooo boy.  Anyway.)  I never felt a particular passion or calling to it.  I liked it, I was good enough at it.  It was a good paycheck and I got to work with awesome people.

But, as much as I would sometimes grouse about the audit, secretly kinda loved it.  It was a LOT of work, and nerve-wracking, but I was good at managing it.  I knew I could be better at it and do more if I didn’t have that whole other half of my job of IT Support to do.  But realizing last month I could actually get a certification and there were other certs I could do that would also make work better and actually holy shit I have a career PATH.  What sorcery is this?  It’s weird.  I just really, really, really wish I would have started looking at it... oh... five years ago.

I also took this other step about a month ago.  There were several jobs I didn’t apply to because I never finished college and they stressed a degree was mandatory.  That made me sad, and nervous.  

I knew I had a TON of college credits, probably close to 120, but nothing that would coalesce into like, a degree.  Also as the years went by it was like... well.  There’s no way I could start all over with college.

On a whim, though, I googled “What to do when you have a lot of college credits and no degree”.  And it turns out, there’s a couple of real, actual accredited non-profit colleges that have programs exactly for people like me.   They accept transfer credits liberally and will tell you what you need to get a real actual diploma.   I said what the fuck, and applied and got my transcripts from the three colleges I had significant credits at sent over there.

They finished the evaluation and got back to me today. I need twelve hours to get a bachelors of Liberal Arts.  TWELVE. Five classes. (one is a 1 hour credit, one is a 2 hour credit, the rest are three.  And I can CLEP out of two of the classes, if I want to.)  I was also accepted into the program.  I’m kicking myself for not doing THIS years ago.

So... the rest of this year will be dedicated to CISA and at least one more certification.  Starting in the spring semester, I’m going back to school.  Online, night classes type school, but I’m going to do it.  I’m gonna get a fucking diploma, even if it’s a liberal arts diploma, at 43 years old.  (Hell, I’ll be 44 by then.)

And what’s crazy is... this is like the silver lining to a dark, dark cloud. No, it’s more than that.  It’s... coming out of the dark.  It almost feels like a rebirth.  It took five and a half months of a torturous slow death of the job and place that I loved.  Then two months of emptiness.  Then two months of terror and pushing myself and frustration and disappointment.

And now... I’m here.

I’m starting a new job that I think I’m going to be great at, and think I can be very happy at the place.

I’m getting real professional certifications. 

I’m going to graduate college, finally. 

Sometimes it really does take a lot of pain in order to grow.  It takes the death of a thing that you hold dear to push you out of the nest and force you to make changes, to work hard, to be better.

I’m still sad that it took all of that to get to where I am, but I’m so glad, today, to be here.  I feel like I can breathe again.  I feel like the future is good.

Sorry this post is so long, by the way.  I feel like.. for a really long time I couldn’t talk much about it.  There were only a few people / private places I really talked about it because I was afraid of consequences should the wrong people see -- I still needed this job.  I needed to figure out what I was doing.  So now, this is me able to talk about it.  Thanks for reading.  It’s been a journey, and this chapter is closing.  I really, really can’t wait to get to the new one.

[mnovenia]

MARCH 2022

I just love the header image, love it, love to cherish the words and believe that God has me, God loves, and I hear the new music and dance in the way I never been before.

This year started with a new role at BSF, training, stressful situation, not close any deals yet, frustrated, happy to know more people, cherish some new Korean drama, growth in my relationship with my closed friends, church friends, family, learn to forgive (Gaby) and forget (Ko Jo). 

Yes, the last one I intentionally mentioned. Some part of me want to still believe that it would be great and ideal if me as Da Jie and him (Da Ke of the church members) can join together. But as I pray about it, I give myself time (until my 33rd birthday, no greetings then bye) and pray that God will confirm. 

-no progress since he requested my insta 

-Nat kind of reveal some sides of him

-i see how he’s kind of obsessed with social status, but I guess his circle and work demand

-I don’t see how we will cross the path as God still calls me to be in Bali

Nevermind, today is actually quite a roller coaster. I was so nervous because my client Anna might want to cancel her purchase while her credit load has already been approved. I prayed on my knee right away, shaking but still trying to negotiate with her. I asked God if it can be smoothen, however I trust that God’s plan is the best. I may hurt and I don’t understand, but let’s see. I believe God doesn’t want me to be nervous and worry. 

I tried to clear my head, PMS season, Bali’s heat, rain cancelled my plan to chill at the beach, so I went to Grand Lucky instead.

On my way home, I was thinking to offer the land to other client so maybe I can cancel the deal with Bu Evelin, but it’s not a guarantee that I can’t find another replacement. I was trying to figure out, why I haven’t make any sales since November? Was it because I haven’t visited Papa’s grave? I’m planning to go soon though, now that corona case is under control, I will make time to go to Bandung & Jakarta. 

Anyway, something exciting is here. I think on Feb 17, after spending another loveless valentine and countless of cancelled deals, Ci Maurin whom I met twice on my cousin’s wife funeral & other time at the vila when they visited Bali randomly texted me. Few days after CNY I knew that my cousin told me that Ci Maurin planned to introduce me to her friend. I was just laughing, I thought she’s joking or at the back of my mind, if its her friend, then probably a random 40s guy (maybe already divorce, etc LOL MARSHELLA).  Finally she revealed on that day, the one that she wants to introduce is her client, but happen to be a friend as well since 2 years ago. He is not her age (born in 85 or something) and he is a SINGAPOREAN, walaoweh.. He’s been running business in Indo for a while (same industry as mine which is property), dated Indo girl, know well about this country, lives in Ubud (aren’t they checked all of my list?). I mean the fact that he lives in Bali is already one thing, and he also is in the property industry, so many to talk about leh..

YOU KNOW HOW HAPPY I AM?? Even as I write this, I’m smiling. I just really have a good feeling, and I’m just so so grateful that he is not indonesian huhuhuhuhu I’m sorry Indo guy, I don’t know why, I just feel I don’t fit it. I always wonder how my friends can marry Singaporeans (nadia, lynna, ai may, elaine, titan, and many more), and idk at some point in my life I always bump to Singaporean/Chinese Malaysian (Ms Penny, Marlene, Ai May, Elaine, May Yee, Jamie, Eunice, mom’s aunty in Penang, you name it). And I always feel more belong when I hang out with them than with many other Indo friends.

I know it’s very early to tell, I haven’t even met him yet, but I really have a high hope this time, and I asked God wholeheartedly that this guy will be THE ONE from Him. The first person I told is Michelle (always her), I was so excited on that day because we had a call right after Ci Maurin texted me. I told her, unlike the Koreans, for me a Singaporean would be a perfect match, because they’re banana (appear yellow but white on the inside), they’re (esp their family) more open minded, they speak english, many of them are Christians (quite common), and still hold on their Eastern (overseas-Chinese) culture as well. 

And today the reason why I smiled, because finally the day is set. I will meet him on March 25, 4PM at Ci Maurin’s office. The reason it takes a while is because he is still in Singapore since CNY, and will only return mid March. But that’s okay, so I feel like I have enough time to prepare as well. 

Btw I’m so grateful for Ci Maurin, though only met me twice, but have a good-pure intention to set me up with her good friend (lil brother) and willing to make such effort. Finger crossed, perhaps the paintings of Marina Bay Sands & China and the book ‘Sons of the yellow emperor’ that Marlene introduced to me these past years will make sense, and I can testify how God is preparing my heart for something new, something exciting, something I’ve been dreaming on. He knows best and I believe ‘YOUR FATHER IN HEAVEN KNOWS MUCH BETTER THAN YOU DO, HOW TO GIVE GOOD THINGS TO HIS CHILDREN’. AMEN. The rest of other criteria, I surrender it all to the God who owns our both lives.

And dude, I hope that I can also be an answer to your prayer. I don’t know your name, but I’m praying for you. Come back soon and let’s meet!

[purple-spring]

Apparitions - a SH fanfic

Author’s note: And so here it is, my labour of love and early Christmas present for the SH fandom - the sequel to ‘Tomorrow’ and ‘Coming Home’. I owe a debt of gratitude to so many people. To @jandjsalmon​, my beta/meta/co-pilot, thank you, as always, for reading and reworking and questioning and pushing this to become what it is now. Erin is my tribute to you. To @theatreofexpression​, who also read and beta’d and cheered me on, you are a gift, and I treasure our conversations. To @oleekingcole​, @gingerheel​ and @a92vm​ for all your support - I am grateful for our friendships.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. While it is based on a number of real-life events (Riverdale auditions, shooting of Riverdale 1.06, the SH San Francisco trip), it is purely speculative, and was not intended to upset or offend.

Summary: Lili is haunted by Cole, and by her fears. When the time comes to banish her ghosts, will she fold? Or will she follow her heart?

Read below, after the cut, or on Ao3. 

“Do you believe in ghosts, Lili?”

The voice that Cole put on was ridiculous, and Lili rolled her eyes at him to indicate that she thought as much. He laughed as he grabbed her shoulder and pulled her in against him, kissing the top of her head affectionately. He’d been in a good mood ever since they landed - gleeful, even. As though by simply moving away from the confines of Vancouver, the context of work, he was immediately freed to be this - happy, carefree, relaxed Cole.

Luggage in hand, they looked up at the gaudy pink facade of the Queen Anne Hotel - apparently one of San Francisco’s most haunted spots, which looked anything but spooky in the garish light of day.

Cole turned to her. “You ready?” She nodded excitedly.

When he’d first suggested it for their weekend away, she was reluctant. Having been accustomed to their getaways in the wild woods of British Columbia, San Francisco felt like a strange, random choice. Throw in a haunted hotel, and it seemed downright bizarre. But Cole’s stubbornness, and his powers of persuasion, were the stuff of legend; he’d once spent three days locked in a bitter stalemate with Roberto over what breed Hot Dog should be, and lost, but just barely, and not for lack of trying.

While Lili was proud of the fact that she was less susceptible to Cole’s nagging (one of the advantages of being his actual girlfriend and being on the receiving end of his pleas all too often), she was certainly not immune to being swayed by a pair of piercing, pleading blue eyes and countless sleepy conversations in the morning while she was still enveloped in his arms. This, he knew, was totally unfair on his part: she was completely undone in his embrace.

“But it would be so good, Lils,” he said, nuzzling her bare belly with his nose, right where he knew it tickled. She giggled and kicked at him half-heartedly. He looked at her with a glint of mischief in his eye before biting down - gently, but firm enough to leave a mark - causing her to sit upright, cussing up a storm, before whacking him soundly with a pillow.

“Not cool,” she mumbled, rubbing gingerly at the spot where he’d bitten her, before lying back down. He smiled before bending down to kiss it apologetically, getting a sarcastic little pat on the cheek in return.

“Seriously, though,” he said, resting his cheek back on her stomach and looking up at her. “It would be intriguing, right?”

“I don’t know, Cole. I mean, why would I want to stay overnight at a haunted hotel? That’s just asking for it.”

“Asking for what, exactly?”

“Like, asking to be haunted, I guess?”

Cole’s head popped up as he gave her a skeptical look. “You don’t believe in that shit, do you?”

“Hey, might I remind you that your own brother believes in that shit? Remember when he freaked out at the Chateau Marmont?”

“Yeah, but that’s Dylan. Which reminds me, I need to send him my monthly text message asking him if he’s felt any more of that weird energy he was harping on about.” Lili smirked at that. Round infinity of the Sprouse Roast Battle. “As for you, though, I thought you’d be more of a skeptic about that sort of stuff.”

“Me?” Lili paused, chewing on her bottom lip thoughtfully. “I don’t know. I’d say that I have a healthy dose of fear and superstition. Like, say, if someone read my tea leaves or something and said that they saw misfortune in my future? Eh. Whatever.”

Cole grinned at her, the dimples over his top lip deepening in the laugh that threatened to spill out of him. “Alright, ‘fess up, Lils. Who read your tea leaves? Was it Mads? It was totally Mads, right?”

“No!” Lili laughed. “She’s a vegan, Cole, not some earth goddess.”

“Oh, come on, like she wouldn’t be reading your tea leaves.”

“Okay. First of all, no-one read my tea leaves, I was making a point. Secondly, you know I don’t drink tea. It’s basically —“

“Flavoured hot water, yes, you’ve said so a million times.”

“Exactly. And thirdly, leave my beautiful precious vegan bean alone.” Cole laughed and settled his head back on her tummy. “Anyway, that sort of stuff, I wouldn’t sweat. But staying overnight at a hotel that’s actually known to be haunted? Come on. That’s some serious, next-level insanity.”

“I’m just saying,” he mumbled, face down on her bare skin. “It would be interesting.”

Lili narrowed her eyes. “Okay. Out with it, Sprouse. What’s your angle? Why are you pushing so hard for this?”

“No angle.” Cole slung his arm over her waist and looked up at her. “Just, you know, a fun weekend with my girl. And the pictures would be cool, don’t you think?”

She pushed a lock of hair away from his eyes. “There are cool pictures to be taken anywhere, and you of all people should know that.”

“Okay, fine then. It would be an adventure. And you love adventures, don’t you?”

Lili smiled, still bashful over his reference to her birthday greeting. “Yeah, but to somewhere that potentially houses a ghostly presence?”

He sat up and stared at her levelly. “Wow. You honestly don’t remember?”

She racked her brain desperately. Nothing stood out. “Sorry. I’m out.”

“Come on. The abandoned mental hospital? Season 1 shooting in Coquitlam?” He looked mildly hurt. “I thought you would’ve made the connection, Lils. It’s coming up to a year.”

Shit. Of course. Lili wanted to smack herself in the face. Did she really forget? Wait. That didn’t sound right. She made the calculations in her head.

“Cole, that was in November. We’re planning for this weekend in October.”

“It’s close.”

Lili laughed. “It’s barely close!”

“It’s close enough.”

“Well, you made me feel like shit for forgetting. And I didn’t.” Her eyes softened at the memory. “Come on. How could I forget that?”

Indeed, how could she? Riverview Hospital. Filming Episode 6. Cole, surrounded by the debris of a decrepit asylum, his hands cupping her face, the two of them emotional but also laughing at the absurdity of having a moment in the midst of an abandoned mental hospital, of all places.

As they now stood in front of the Queen Anne, his arm around her shoulder, hers wrapped around his waist, she recognised that perhaps it had slipped her mind momentarily because all of that felt like a whole lifetime ago. In that moment, as they lay in bed, caught up in travel plans and each other, those days of secrecy and second-guessing and sneaking kisses around the set seemed like ancient history.

It was his question, unintentionally, that brought it all back. It reminded her of the days when she was unsure about what she meant to him, or even what he meant to her. When he was nothing but an apparition that lurked in the corners of her mind and made her heart clench in its tender, invisible grip.

Do you believe in ghosts, Lili?

She sure did.

He was once one of hers.

…

It was at auditions for Riverdale that they’d first crossed paths. She’d been engrossed in her script, running over lines in her head with her earphones plugged in, barely conscious of the fact that some guy she had never met before had been nudging her foot repeatedly to get her attention. One last, hard nudge did it: she finally looked up, startled, as he motioned for her to remove her earphones.

“Hey, are you Lili?” She nodded and replied in the affirmative. “I think they’re calling your name.”

Her first thought was, oh, shit. She scrambled to get all her things together, willing herself to stay calm.

Her second thought, as she conversed briefly with Foot Nudge Guy, was, oh, hey. Kinda cute?

But she had no time to extend that thought as she hurriedly said goodbye to her friend Israel (who was trying out for both Archie and Jughead) and rushed off into her audition. It wasn’t until later when Israel came over to catch up and debrief over dinner that she realised who it was.

“You are bullshitting me.” She froze while rummaging in the kitchen drawer. “Cole Sprouse? Like, Cody Martin Cole Sprouse? You’re telling me that he was the guy who was nudging my foot?”

“Yeah, it was definitely him. They called his name out and everything,” replied Israel. He laughed suddenly. “Everyone in the room was falling all over themselves to get a glimpse of him, and you were literally the only person he spoke to, and you barely noticed him.”

Lili shrugged sheepishly. “Well, I was prepping for my audition.”

“Fair. Also, I think he might’ve been auditioning for Archie as well. Just my luck.”

“Aw, come on. You totally should’ve just psyched him out, Izzy. Stared him down, or pushed him as you walked past or something.”

Israel laughed. “Fuck, dude. Like I’m really gonna psych out Cole Sprouse. The guy’s been acting since he was in diapers.”

“Yeah, I know,” Lili paused thoughtfully. She thought of the guy that she saw at the audition - completely unassuming, determinedly normal - and felt a pang of sympathy for him, an actor who was just trying to book a job, but with all the added pressure of everyone staring and speculating and wanting a piece of him. “I wonder what drew him back to acting.”

“Who knows? Didn’t he and his brother go to college for a while?”

“That’s what I heard.”

Just then, Israel’s phone buzzed on the table. He gave Lili a nervous glance before picking it up. He read it quickly, then his face fell. “Shit. My agent. I didn’t get the part.”

“Aw, Iz.” She walked over and consoled him by patting his shoulder. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” Israel visibly relaxed. “Actually, you know what? This is good. I don’t think I told you - I auditioned for this other film, which went really well, and I was kinda nervous that I’d have to pick between that and Riverdale if I got this one, too.”

“That’s awesome. So I guess the universe made that decision for you, huh?”

“Totally.”

“And, you know, worse comes to worse, you’ve always got my famous curly fries to give you solace.”

“More like your frozen bag specialty curly fries.”

Lili beamed as the oven timer sounded. “Hey, don’t hate. Haters don’t get curly fries.”

She was pulling the fries out of the oven when her phone rang. Israel glanced at her. As working actors, they knew what a phone call meant, as opposed to a text message.

“Lils?”

“Yep. I know.” Lili took a deep breath and held her phone in her hand as it kept ringing. She faced away from the room, keeping her face close to one of the kitchen walls. Inhale, exhale. Repeat. She finally answered the call. “Hi, Lili here.”

The next few moments were a blur, out of which she could only remember the most mundane details. The heat emanating from the open oven. The tired, pale pink paint of the wall she was facing. The distinct smell of fries. And the way she looked down at her shirt to check if it was puffing out from how hard and fast her heart was beating.

She hung up and turned to Israel, tears in her eyes. He knew. And she would remember what he was about to say to her in that moment for a long time. She would mark it as the veil that divided her life into Before and After, foreshadowing not only Riverdale, but everything else - Vancouver, the long days and nights of shooting, the thrill and loneliness of her sudden skyrocket to fame, the comfort of unexpected friendships.

And, of course, Cole.

“Lils,” Israel said in a half-whisper. “I literally just watched your life change.”

…

That was the beginning. Back then, Cole had been a half-formed spectre that dipped its toe into her head every now and then, making the occasional ripple.

And then she took his jacket home by accident, and things started to change.

Roberto had called her not long after her agent did, warmly congratulating her on getting the part and looking to arrange a meeting with her and the guy who booked Jughead’s role.

“We haven’t confirmed it with him just yet,” Roberto said, laughing. “So we’ll hold off letting you know who it is for now. It’ll be a good surprise on the day.”

Despite the uncertainty, Lili was excited. She knew that the show had only been green-lit for a pilot episode at that point, but the prospect of working on a potentially big project - one that could mean a new life as a full-fledged working actress - thrilled her. And she was also excited to meet one of her future castmates.

Walking into the production office that day, Lili regretted not bringing a cardigan. It was an unusually hot spring day in LA, and as a result, the building was blasting its air conditioner at full strength. She’d dressed carefully for the meeting, mimicking an outfit she saw on Betty in one of the special edition Betty comics - a red, strappy sundress with yellow flowers printed on it. She found it at a thrift store, and couldn’t believe her luck. She knew that Roberto, being the creative director of the comics, would recognise it immediately and appreciate the reference.

What she wasn’t expecting was the fact that the guy playing Jughead would recognise it, too.

Or that said guy was Cole Sprouse.

What. The actual. Fuck. She recognised him and silently cursed Israel for getting the guy’s audition details wrong. He said Cole was auditioning for Archie! How am I supposed to deal with this now?

Cole was already seated and reading (she caught a glimpse of Hemingway on the book spine), and suddenly she feared doing something stupid or awkward as she walked into the reception area. Somehow, she managed not to trip over herself, or make a strange noise, or stare longer than necessary, and for that she quietly congratulated herself.

She couldn’t help it, though - she stole a quick glance. Lili realised that she had only been partially right about him seeming normal. Because while he did look the part - dressed as he was in dark khakis, a plain white shirt, worn tan jacket, with a large backpack sitting at his feet - her keen eyes recognised that he carried with him the aura and glow of difference, of being just a little more special than everyone else. It was in his eyes - they were bright, active, perpetually amused. They carried the playful air of a prince pretending to be a pauper.

Lili sat down two seats away from him, unsure whether she should initiate a conversation. As it turned out, she didn’t need to worry - he spoke to her first.

“Betty comics, number 12, 1994,” Cole said, startling her out of her apprehension. She looked up, and he was looking at her with a subtle, half-formed smile. “Right?”

“Uh, excuse me?”

“Your outfit. It’s Betty’s. From the special edition Betty spin-off.” He looked away and chewed on his lower lip thoughtfully. “Or maybe it was number 11?”

“Number 13, actually. ‘Paper Caper.’” Lili smiled at him. “But good try.”

“Ah, damn it. Knew I should’ve crammed for the impromptu Archie universe quiz.” Cole leaned over and offered his hand. “I’m Cole, by the way.”

She took his hand and shook it. It was warm to the touch, and his handshake was firm while the skin was smooth, though slightly calloused at the knuckles. A craftsman’s hands. She remembered that he was a photographer now. “Hey, Cole. I’m — “

“Lili, yeah. From auditions. I remember.”

What the hell? He remembers me? She masked her surprise by laughing at the memory. “That’s right, I think I have you and your foot to thank for getting me to my audition in time.”

“Damn straight. My foot will now take a small cut of all future earnings as a token of your gratitude.”

She laughed. “Sweet. Does it take AMEX?”

“This is a cash-only operation, kid. Sorry.”

“Cash-only, huh? And here I was thinking this was completely legit.”

“Whoa, hey. Cole Sprouse, Foot and Co is a totally legitimate outfit.”

There it was. His name, his famous, well-known name - though couched within a joke - was now released into the ether. She felt it hanging in the air between them - an unwanted phantom reminding them that they weren’t just two random strangers who managed to hit it off immediately, that his fame made it a little more complicated than that. She could tell that he knew it, too, and that, like her, he was regretting the awkward halt to their spitfire banter. She decided to change the subject. “So... you know comics, huh?”

Cole beamed. Lili was touched to see his relief at the distraction. “Oh, yeah. I worked at this huge comic book store on Sunset Boulevard for a while.”

“You mean Meltdown?”

“Yeah, that’s the one.” His eyes lit up. “You know it?”

“I do,” Lili said. “I, um, actually have this thing for special effects make-up, and I’ve been there a few times to pick up some inspiration.”

“No kidding. You got any pictures of your work?”

She felt shy all of a sudden. “Yeah. Did you wanna see them?”

Cole got up and settled into the seat right next to her. “I do, actually. I’d love to.”

She unlocked her phone, opening to the album containing all of her work before leaning over to show him. This close, she caught his scent; a mix of pine, laundry soap, and the faint undertone of cigarettes. She wasn’t sure why, but she consciously committed it to memory.

“So, um, these are a few that I did on some friends…”

She swiped through, showing him pictures of cosplay makeup she had done during Comic Con season, some prosthetic work (which fascinated Cole the most), and some Halloween looks she had experimented with. She was in the middle of showing him her 2D Wonder Woman look when he paused, seemingly intent on something, before gently placing his hand on her forearm.

It was a jolt to her senses. It was so sudden, yet so innocent and unassuming. She looked up at him, and their eyes met. They were close enough that she could take a closer look at him, count the freckles and moles that formed a constellation on his face.

“Goosebumps,” he announced matter-of-factly. “You’re cold.”

“Um, yeah,” she conceded. This close to him, she could barely think straight. “It’s freezing in here.”

Cole stood up and shrugged his jacket off. “Here, put this on.”

“What? Oh, no, I couldn’t possibly --”

“Lili. Honestly, it’s fine.” She felt a small, unexpected thrill at the sound of her name coming out of his lips. It sounded both foreign and familiar, as though he’d known how to say it his entire life, and she was hearing him say it for the first time today. “Besides, I’ve been numbed and hardened to the cold by many a bitter New York winter.” As he said this, he put on an old man voice, which cracked her up. “This jacket is purely for aesthetic purposes.”

She took the jacket from him and put it on. Aside from the extra bulk, it felt like a second skin - warm, well-worn, comfortable, protective. She looked down at her outfit. “Not much of a Betty now, though, am I?”

Cole shrugged and smiled. “Still looks good.”

Lili froze while her mind went overdrive. Was that a compliment? Wait, is he flirting with me? Are we FLIRTING? But before she had time to think this through, a door had opened and a PA was inviting them to step in. Cole picked his bag up and gave her a bemused look before gesturing ceremoniously towards the door.

“Well,” he said. “Shall we?”

The meeting was fairly casual, with Roberto wanting his first two co-stars to meet each other properly and to get a glimpse into the planned narrative arcs for their respective characters (if the pilot was successful). The entire process was fascinating to both of them - Cole had obviously been out of acting for a while, and Lili had never worked on anything as large-scale as Roberto was planning for Riverdale to be. A whirlwind of storyboards and script teases and sketches made time pass quickly, and soon Lili found herself being ushered back out to the waiting area with Cole. Both of them were buzzing with anticipation.

“Well…” Lili started. The sentence trailed off and finished in a grin. There was no other response, no words for how excited she felt about working on Riverdale.

“Yeah.” Cole nodded. He seemed to be in a daze as well. He caught her eye and she couldn’t help it. She burst out laughing. He did, too. Out of pure mirth. As if they couldn’t believe their luck.

“This is crazy, right?” she said.

“Absolutely fucking crazy.” A short pause settled into their conversation as Cole seemed to mull something over. “Hey, you doing anything right now?”

Lili’s joyful mood dissolved as it gave way to nerves. Is he…? No. Don’t be ridiculous, Lili. Anyway, you’ve got something on. Gah. “Um… I am, actually,” she said. “I’m catching up with a friend over dinner. I haven’t seen her in ages.”

“Ah.” Cole nodded. “You live around here though, right? LA?”

“Yep. I’m an Ohio girl, though.”

“Awesome. We should hang out sometime.”

It was a statement, not a question, and from anyone else, at any other given time, it would’ve sounded arrogant. But not from Cole. Because Lili knew, as well as he did, that he was just following through to the natural conclusion of the afternoon they just had - the banter, the ease, the strong, natural pull between them. It was beyond chemistry. It felt… spiritual. Supernatural.

Still, given who he was and how closely they’d be working together in the next few months, she was naturally hesitant. And so she was surprised to hear herself replying:

“Yeah, we should.”

Lili knew, from the moment they exchanged numbers, from the way she watched the deft movement of his fingers as they entered her contact details into his phone. She knew when he pulled her in for a hug before saying goodbye and felt her body melting into his. She knew when she jumped into her Uber and realised, with a surprise, that she was still wearing his jacket. And that he didn’t ask for it back, either.

She knew. It was a foregone conclusion.

She was haunted by Cole.

...

The next few months passed by in a golden blur. Slowly, Lili’s days filled up with preparing for Riverdale. And with Cole. He texted her often, and called most nights. She met Dylan, as well as Cole’s entire social set from the West Coast, and soon became friends with them as well. He took her around to where he was staying in LA - at Debby’s - where they’d watch sunsets and pet her cats while talking about everything and nothing at all. He gave her unnecessarily detailed lectures on how to use her camera. She sent him memes.

At first, it was fine. She figured that whatever she felt for him at the production meeting was a fluke and would eventually dissolve with time. Except... they didn’t. Instead, she could feel something taking root in her heart. Whether it was infatuation or love, she couldn’t quite tell just yet. But it was there. And it made her panic.

When he told her how he felt for her, his confession whispered in the early hours of morning as they lay together on the couch at Debby’s place, that panic was replaced by euphoria, which was only heightened with each frenzied kiss, each extended ‘good night’ over the phone. They kept things between them for the time being, wanting to preserve and protect this still-undefined thing that they had, away from all the noise. They carefully avoided any talk of the future, living day to day just as Cole had promised: tomorrow, he had said. Tomorrow, you’ll still have me. And, faithfully, Lili held onto that.

But with each day that passed on the Riverdale set, the harsh black and white of reality slowly seeped into the technicolor dream that was her world with Cole. The hours were long, the schedule was gruelling, and she found herself mentally and physically exhausted by the demands of playing Betty Cooper. She started feeling more moody and brooding, despite Cole’s best efforts to make her laugh, as well as his constant insistence on pulling her into some unknown corner on set to sneak in a secret kiss. At first, she put it down to simple fatigue, and took naps whenever she could. But as the weeks wore on, she felt essentially the same, and it worried her.

One morning, after a night of tossing and turning, Lili turned up early to the Riverdale stages, where they were filming for the day. She’d woken up at 5 after finally drifting off to sleep only four hours prior to that. Frustrated at having gotten so little sleep, she threw off her covers and picked up her phone to check the time, and saw that she missed a text from Cole.

“KJ still shredding his guitar at 2 am. He claims that the apartment is sound-proof but clearly it’s not inconsideration-proof. Tempted to call cops on ourselves. Live with me? Please? KENETI SUX (don’t tell him I said that).”

It should have made Lili smile. Except that she noted the same strain of worry tugging at her, making her feel anxious. She tried to shrug it off, but as she got up to get ready for the day, she felt it sticking to her ribs and crowding her lungs.

“Lili?” Madelaine walked into out into living room, bleary-eyed and still in her pajamas. The two girls were sharing an apartment in Vancouver, which Lili was grateful for. They were both homebodies, happy to bunker down and watch old episodes of Friends while everyone else was out partying. “What the hell? Are we due on set this early?”

“No, babe. Go back to sleep. We’re due in at 9.” Lili got a mug out and starting spooning coffee granules into it. “I just woke up early, that’s all.”

Madelaine gave her a look as she eyed the coffee container in Lili’s hand. “Uh, Lils? You don’t drink coffee.”

“I know.”

“And that’s my organic, shade-grown, vegan-certified coffee.” She considered Lili carefully. “Are you okay?”

Lili picked up the container and looked at the label. “Huh. Didn’t realise. Should do me fine, though.”

Madelaine walked over to her. “Hey, look at me.” Lili turned, and Madelaine gasped in fake horror. “Okay, whoa, we are gonna need some face masks tonight because those eye bags are killing me, girl. Those are Cole level eye bags.” Lili gave a short, humourless laugh at that. “Honestly though, are you alright? You haven’t been yourself these past few days.”

“I know, Mads. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, don’t be sorry. That’s you, and that’s how you feel. Doesn’t matter what it’s about. Don’t apologise for that.” Madelaine rubbed her back, and Lili felt tears welling up in her eyes. She was tired and worried for no apparent reason, and Mads was being so kind and maternal, and it took all of her energy and willpower not to burst into frustrated tears. She turned to her and gave her a quick hug.

“Thanks. I’ll be okay. And, um…” Lili looked pointedly and regretfully at the mug of unmade vegan coffee.

Madelaine rolled her eyes and laugh. “Yep, I’ll get rid of this.”

Lili smiled and headed out the door. “Love you, Mads.”

“Love you too, Lils.”

Lili drove in to the studio lot. There was hardly anyone at the stages when she walked in. Britta, one of the series writers, waved at her happily and came over. “Hey, Lilibeth,” she said, using the crew’s favourite nickname for Lili. “Shit, what time is it? I didn’t know you guys were due to come in already.”

“Nah, you’re fine. I got up early, actually.” On cue, Lili stifled a yawn. “Thought I might as well come to set, get some prep work in.”

“Yeah, well, don’t work yourself too hard just yet. It’ll probably be a while before we start shooting. Have a walk around for now. Hair and makeup should be getting set up soon.”

“Thanks, Brit.”

“No problem. Oh, and hey, is Cole around?”

Lili went still. Why was she being asked about Cole ? Did they know? For some reason, this bothered her more than it should have. “Um, no...? Why?”

“Oh, I’ve just got something on script he needs to check. No biggie. I’ll catch you later, okay?”

Lili picked up a hot chocolate from craft services and walked around the stages, stopping to chat and say hi to people here and there. As sleep-deprived as she was, she was enjoying this - seeing the cameras rolled out across the floor, the set designers hard at work adding little details to each interior, the script supervisors flipping through the scripts and marking things off their lists.

This was the life she had chosen, since age 14. There was no Plan B for her - she decided that for herself a long time ago. It was going to be acting or nothing. And now here she was, in the midst of a dream come true, and yet something was niggling at her, and she couldn’t figure it out.

As Lili walked past the Cooper house stage, she slowed down.

She and Cole would be filming there the next day - their first onscreen kiss. She remembered, with a smile, how they had received the script and read over it together in her apartment, kiss included and all. He played the role of director too, joking that each kiss wasn’t good enough (“Come on, I’m just not FEELING it, Lili.” “Shut up, Cole.” “Make me.” And she did).

Standing here now, though, she felt none of that pure elation and only felt… apprehension. They had joked about it all week since reading the script, but now that they were coming up to it, Lili felt more and more nervous, almost as if…

Hang on.

She stopped in her tracks. The truth finally crashed over her.

It was simple. So simple she couldn’t believe that she hadn’t seen it coming. Her reaction to Cole’s text that morning, Britta’s innocent query regarding his whereabouts...

She was running scared.

It was staring her straight in the face, literally, as she faced the exterior of the Cooper house stage. Here, her work, her dreams, and all the sweat and toil she had invested into them, were about to intersect with a relationship that was still taking its first, tentative steps.

And she had no idea what was going to happen.

Because this wasn’t how the story was supposed to go. Not in her mind. Not when she started out on this path. She had landed the biggest role of her career and the trajectory of her life was meant to be straightforward and predictable from then on.

Cole, however, was an unexpected twist in the tale. She didn’t see him coming, and now that they had collided head-on, she was reeling from the impact.

The questions came to her mind, fast and unbidden.

What if we hold each other back?

What if this doesn’t work?

What happens when people find out?

What happens when we fight?

What if he loses his focus?

What if I lose mine?

And, most painful of all. What if I lose HIM?

Lili walked up the steps to the Cooper house in a half-daze, and she sat herself down on the doorstep to collect her thoughts. The euphoria and afterglow of being with Cole had kept all these questions at bay, but now, as reality was setting in, they were being unleashed, and she was powerless to stop them.

Suddenly, everything she took for granted in the past few months was overshadowed by the cold sting of fear.

Suddenly, she wasn’t sure she wanted this kiss to happen.

…

Lili felt out of sorts for the rest of that day. Thankfully, it was a light day, shooting-wise - just a few filler scenes before they got around to the heavier sequences over the next few days.

Cole arrived on set later in the afternoon, just as Lili was finishing. He was on his way out of the makeup trailer when she stepped in for her clean-up. She was so lost in her thoughts that she bumped into him on the steps leading up.

“Whoa!” he said, laughing as he steadied her by the shoulders. “Has someone been drinking the acetone?”

“Cole,” she breathed out. She felt spooked seeing him, as if her thoughts had materialised this apparition standing in front of her.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” Lili racked her brains for something, anything, to say. “So, ah, you’re shooting today?”

Cole gave her a funny look. ”Yeah. I work here, Lils. Not just a pretty face, you know.” He smirked at her, eyebrows raised, lips slightly puckered - a deliberate ‘pretty’ pose. Despite the fact that it was so ridiculous and put on, it still melted her.

“Of course, yeah. Stupid question.”

He narrowed his eyes at her. “You sure you’re alright?”

“Totally.” She forced herself to smile. “Oh. Hey. I’m sorry I didn’t reply to your text earlier.”

“Which one?”

“KJ shredding guitar at 2 am. Hang on, you sent me another one?” She slipped her hand into her pocket, looking for her phone.

“Yeah, just a few hours ago. I figured you’d be filming.” He chuckled at a sudden memory. “Oh, and as for KJ, I ended up throwing a carrot at his head. Not my most impressive enactment of a visual metaphor - because ‘carrot top’, of course - but it got the message across.”

“You guys actually have carrots at your place?”

Cole rolled his eyes. “KJ juices.”

“Oh. Right.” Despite herself, she giggled at the mental image she had conjured of KJ chopping up vegetables and throwing them into a blender (“Carrots. Pineapple. Ginger. Legends.”).

He smiled at the sight of her laughing. “Hey, so, the text I sent you. Apparently, this place we’re  shooting at in two days? Is haunted as fuck.”

“Really?” She slid the lock button on her screen to open his message, and there it was - a screenshot of an article he’d been reading on Atlas Obscura. She looked at the description and read it out loud. “’Riverview Hospital, historic insane asylum… what untold stories could be uncovered from the relics of an institution that has witnessed the torment of so many personal demons?’ Holy shit.”

“Right?” Cole looked as though all his dreams had come true. “So you in?”

“Am I in? For what?”

Cole gave an enigmatic little grin. “A little urban exploring adventure.”

On any given day, Lili would have jumped at the opportunity. But not today, not after her earlier revelation on the steps of the Cooper house. She wasn’t sure she could take some extended alone time with Cole right now. “Look. It sounds great. But honestly, I am way too much of a wuss for that.”

Cole scoffed. “You? Seriously? Come on. And anyway, I’ll be there. I’ll bring my camera and everything. It’ll be fun.”

“Cole.” Lili was starting to fret inside. She had to dissuade him somehow. This would be in two days. It was going to be the day after their kiss scene. She wasn’t sure how that was going to work, what the aftermath would be.

“What?” His face fell slightly. “You don’t wanna come?”

“Can I just… can I let you know closer to the day?”

Cole shrugged, obviously a little disappointed. “Alright then. Just let me know soon. I want you there, Lils.” He leaned in slightly, his voice dropping. “It won’t be much of an adventure without you.” He looked around quickly before swooping in to kiss her playfully on the cheek, and walked off in the direction of the stages.

Lili felt the outline of his lips on her skin as she watched him leave, and knew that it would stay there for a while.

Don’t do that, she thought. Don’t make me fall harder for you than I’m falling right now.

…

The morning drive felt like a meditation. Lili had woken up extra early to prepare herself for the scene, reading over her script again, reciting it out loud to herself, then repeating it without the paper in front of her.

But that was just a distraction. After all, she was always pretty good with memorising dialogue. On her drive to the set, she was focusing on an entirely different set of words.

It’s just another scene.

It’s just another scene.

It’s just another scene.

She repeated it to herself like a mantra as she drove, and if she had a little bit longer - an extra day, perhaps - she would have eventually believed it. But as she pulled into the parking lot, she felt her palms sweating on the steering wheel, her stomach filling with butterflies. She wondered whether Cole was feeling the same.

Come to think of it, he hadn’t messaged her that morning, hadn’t brought the kiss up in conversation in the past few days. Maybe I’m overthinking this. Maybe it would be fine.

But as she slipped on her costume for the day - Betty’s usual jeans paired with a light, cream-coloured V-neck sweater - she became aware of the same questions plaguing her mind from the day before. What if we hold each other back? What if this doesn’t work? What if I lose him?

It was going to be a long day.

Cole was already at the Cooper house stage when she arrived, drinking coffee and laughing with some of the film crew. He caught her eye as she walked in, and he gave her a soft smile and raised his cup at her by way of greeting. Looking to avoid him, she gave him a quick nod and a wave before finding a spot on a couch on the other side of the room, lying down and closing her eyes.

She wasn’t even aware that she’d dozed off until one of the crew tapped her on the shoulder. She got up, had her ponytail fixed quickly, and nervously ascended the stairs to Betty’s bedroom.

She didn’t even get a chance to speak to him properly before shooting started. Steven, their director, was at the bottom of the ladder outside Betty’s window, talking Cole through the scene. He did the same with her earlier, and as she waited, she stared at the bits of duct tape on the floor that marked her blocking cues. They had blocked the scene fairly quickly, and in that time, she and Cole were both bristling with a nervous energy that prevented them from saying too much to one another. They both sensed the significance of the scene. Roberto, who had written the episode, was taking a rare break from working through scripts and was standing next to one of the cameras, eager to see how the scene would pan out. It was a big day for the series: the birth of Bughead.

The scene as it was scripted would be fairly simple: Jughead would knock on the window, wait for Betty to open it, and say his line. He’d climb through, they’d have their exchange and turn to face each other. After that, it was onto the kiss - bold, swift and immediate, just as Roberto and Tessa had written it in the script. She’d be startled, she’d remember Jason’s car, and they’d end it with their sleuthing dialogue. Easy.

Well, easier said than done, Lili thought.

Soon enough, Steven was standing behind the camera, and the scene was ready to be filmed. “Quiet on the set!” someone yelled. Lili sat at Betty’s vanity, fiddling with her necklace. A chorus of voices signalled the start of shooting.

“Roll it— ”

“We’re rolling.”

“Thirty-three, take one, and—”

“Action!”

A tap on the window. Lili turned around, performing her first beat perfectly. Cole stepped through into Betty’s room, and they moved seamlessly through their blocking - Betty walking ahead of Jughead, turning to him every now and then as they went through their dialogue.

Betty was meant to be distracted in this scene, and Lili played that up, making sure to avoid looking at Cole. But as he said the line “they’re parents, they’re all crazy,” she couldn’t help it - she looked up briefly, and noticed that his own eyes were downcast. That they seemed to be avoiding her.

Well, that’s different. In rehearsals, Cole usually delivered the line straight, with a confident, knowing smirk. Here, Lili could feel a different energy emanating from him, but she couldn’t name it, couldn’t be distracted, not now when was being swept up in the mood of the scene.

“Also…”

Well. Here we are. Jughead’s big line. The prelude to the kiss. She braced herself.

“What?” she replied.

She looked expectantly at Cole. He should have been kissing her by now. Instead, his gaze flitted anxiously over her, his eyebrows drawn together as though in confusion.

Oh my god. Did he forget this part? The air thickened with tension. Lili grew nervous as she felt the room weighing in on them, and she racked her brain desperately, trying to think of what to do as the cameras kept rolling. She decided to cue him in again. It was technically off-script, but never mind - he’d thank her later for stepping in.

She repeated her line, a little more forcefully. “What?”

And then, there. In that flash of a second, she saw it.

Doubt. Hesitation. Fear.

All in his eyes. All mirroring her own.

In that moment, it shocked her. Cole - confident, self-assured Cole - was standing here in front of her in such vulnerability.

And she saw the truth that had eluded her in these past few days, the one she would’ve guessed at, had she been paying attention.

That she wasn’t the only who was afraid.

That he was haunted, too.

But before she could process any of this properly, she was startled back into the present as he visibly switched gears, stepping in swiftly to close the distance between their lips, right when she least expected it.

It was unlike anything they had ever rehearsed or even done in real life. It wasn’t what the script called for. It started out like a cymbal crash, but turned tenuous and tender - a quiet question mark rather than the decisive full stops or passionate exclamation marks that characterised her kisses with Cole.

And she was hopelessly lost, enveloped in this secret part of him that he was unknowingly letting her into. It felt intimate, to be staring into this fissure that he had exposed. It didn’t scare her; it felt right. It threw her into blissful relief, to feel the tentativeness in that kiss, to feel her own uncertainty mirrored and marked onto her lips by his own.

As they parted, she smiled, purely out of reflex. Cole’s hand was still cupping her face, and he released a deep sigh that seemed to take up his whole body.

“Cut.”

Steven’s voice was like a temple bell cutting through the transcendence of the moment, calling them all back to reality. Lili was confused. The scene wasn’t over yet. She turned to the crew and saw that they were all transfixed. Roberto’s eyes were misting over behind his glasses.

“Guys, that was….” He was momentarily lost for words. “That was it. That was the take.”

Britta, who was the script supervisor for the scene, cleared her throat. “Roberto, that wasn’t how you and Tessa planned it on the script here. You okay with that?”

“Am I okay with it?” Roberto shook his head in incredulity and turned to their director, who looked just as moved as the rest of the crew. “What do you think, Steve?”

Steven looked over to Cole and Lili, taking them in thoughtfully, as though he was seeing them in a new light. “I know we still had a few lines to go, but I had to stop it there because I wasn’t sure how you’d play the next beat, and quite frankly, I wanted to make sure that we preserved that on film.”

“Preserved what?” Lili asked.

Steven smiled at her. “Magic.”

…

Before Lili knew it, the scene had wrapped. She was desperate to speak to Cole, but Roberto had already cornered him in what appeared to be a fairly intense conversation. She loitered around for a few minutes, but gave up after they sat down on the couch, apparently settling in for a long discussion.

It was her only scene for the day. Lili made her way back to the makeup trailer in a pensive daze, watching her feet as they measured out her steps. She had no idea how she ended up seated in front of the mirror, with Erin, the head makeup artist on the show, handing her a cotton ball soaked in cleanser.

“Alright, you beauty,” she said, smiling. “Let’s get you cleaned up and on your way home.”

Lili complied, methodically wiping the makeup off her face. She loved this. For her, it was an important part of her day, this literal stripping away of character. And she especially loved doing it with Erin, who had become a close friend to her in the months that they’d been doing Riverdale together, and who was one of the few people who actually knew about her and Cole. Often, she’d sit in the chair long after her makeup had been taken off, having long talks with her and sharing skin care tips and chocolate.

Erin busied herself with cleaning her brushes while Lili wiped off her eye makeup. “So. Everything go alright with the big scene today?”

Lili paused, the cotton ball poised over her eyelid. “Yeah. It went really well, actually.”

“Great.” Erin smiled warmly at her before turning back to her brushes. This was another reason why Lili loved her. She knew when to leave her be.

They were both quiet for a few moments, with nothing but the sound of running water echoing in the empty trailer. Erin tapped the brushes dry over the sink, then turned around and smiled at Lili through the mirror. “All done, then?”

Lili nodded. Erin took the cotton ball from her and threw it in the bin, before handing her a warm towel.

Lili dangled it loosely in her hand, thinking to herself. “Erin?”

“Yes, lovely?”

“What do you do when…” Lili’s voice trailed off, and she pursed her lips, unsure of how to complete that sentence. Erin stood by, waiting patiently.

“What do you do,” she started again, “when you’re absolutely sure that you’re right where you want to be, and you want to move things forward, but for some reason… you’re just scared shitless?”

Erin pulled up a chair right next to her and sat down. “Are we talking about a certain young Jeep-driving photographer here?”

“Well… yes. Partially. But it’s to do with everything else as well.” Lili exhaled a long breath. “Riverdale. Our careers. Everything.”

“Okay.” Erin nodded. “What do you think is making you scared?”

“I don’t know. I keep running through all these questions in my head - questions that maybe I should have been asking myself months ago, but didn’t. Or couldn’t.” Because I was crazy about Cole and still am and everything feels irrelevant whenever he says my name or his hands are on my skin. “Either way, I think they’re all essentially asking the same thing.”

“And what’s that?”

Lili turned her gaze on Erin, her eyes full of worry. “What if this breaks us?” she asked, her voice small. “What if it breaks me? ”

Erin sighed, and took Lili’s hands in hers.

“Lili, how did you get started on all this?”

“What, on Cole?”

Erin chuckled. “No, not Cole, honey. We all know how that started. The boy is very charming. And he was always nuts about you.” Lili smiled at that. “I mean acting. Your career.”

“Well… a lot of auditioning. A lot of getting knocked back.”

“I mean before that. Why did you audition? Why did you keep getting up, even when you got knocked back?”

Lili gave a short laugh. “Because it was the only thing I was good at?”

Erin swatted her arm lightly. “That isn’t even remotely true and you know it. Come on. Tell me.”

Lili paused thoughtfully. “It was the only thing I ever really wanted to do. It’s where my heart was. Or is.” She sighed. “It’s where my heart is.”

“Well.” Erin patted her hand. “Isn’t that your answer, then?”

“My answer? How?”

“Lili. Think about it. Your heart led you to acting. In that process, did it ever betray you?”

“No.”

“Did it ever fail to warn you of danger? Or lead you to the wrong door?

“No.”

“Did it ever leave you high and dry? In all those times when you were auditioning and failing and starting over, did it ever leave you short of passion, or tell you to give up?”

“No.”

Erin leaned forward, making sure that she listened. “Then follow it, Lili. Trust it. It hasn’t led you astray yet, and it won’t start now.”

Suddenly, Lili knew what she had to do.

“Erin…” She had no words. She’ll just have to express her gratitude later. “I’ll be back.”

She stood up and hugged Erin fiercely, before running out of the trailer.

Lili ran to the parking lot, to check if Cole was still around. By sheer luck, she caught him just as he was opening the door to the driver’s seat.

“Cole!”

He turned around, startled. She sprinted to his car, which was on the far end of the parking lot. She hadn’t run for a long time, and soon her legs and lungs were on fire. But she couldn’t stop. Somehow, her body was pushing her forward, propelling her to the only person that mattered right now.

But what was she supposed to say? Now, as she stood in front of him, out of breath, all coherent thought abandoned her.

“I, um…” She put her hand to her chest to control her breathing.

“Lils.” His eyes were wide as he took her in. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, just… give me a sec… one moment…”

Cole was caught between looking amused and worried. Wordlessly, he took out a water bottle from his car and offered it to her. She shook her head.

Lili straightened up after a while. “Sorry. Were you leaving?”

He shook his head. “I was just grabbing something out of the car.”

“Oh. Right.” She looked him in the eye, and she was suddenly nervous. “Um. Are you still exploring the abandoned asylum tomorrow?

He looked surprised. “Yeah, I am.”

“Is anyone else going with you?”

Cole smirked. “Nah, I think it’s just me and the ghouls tomorrow. Why’d you ask?”

“Just… I would love to come.” She said it tentatively, worried that things had changed since their scene earlier. “Does my invitation still stand?”

Cole looked surprised at that. “Yeah, of course.” She breathed a sigh of relief. They were fine. Thank god. “But… Lils, I thought you were scared?”

“No,” she replied, smiling. “I’m not scared. Not anymore.”

…

Riverview Hospital in Coquitlam was a sprawling expanse of old, decrepit buildings that extended over a wide acreage of land. It had served many purposes since its inception as The Hospital of the Mind, but had been largely abandoned since the mid-1990s, and was mostly used as a filming location.

Many of the Riverdale crew had already worked there at one point or another, and all of them agreed: while it looked beautiful on film, it was definitely haunted, and none of them liked going anywhere near it.

“Place gives me the creeps,” said one of the lighting guys to Cole as he assembled his camera. “I have no idea why you two are so crazy about going in there. It’s dripping with ghosts.”

But nothing could dissuade Cole, and Lili had her heart set on following him. So as the crew set up the shoot, they went poking about the place, looking for an entrance. Cole was accustomed to urban exploring, while Lili was not, so he ran on ahead of her, rattling various doors and looking for windows they could climb through. Finally, he found one, and Lili felt a rush of affection for him as he poked his head from behind a loose door, his face spread widely into a grin, his hair dishevelled with bits of debris in it.

The entrance he found had a slightly precarious drop, as most of the staircases had crumbled away over time. As Cole took Lili’s hand to help her step in, he said quietly, “You know, there’s like a billion spiders in here.”

Lili yanked her hand away and smacked him on the arm. “Fuck off. I’m out. Seriously, Sprouse. I’m done.”

“Jesus. I was kidding.” Cole’s laugh echoed throughout the empty room. “Anyway, I thought you weren’t scared.”

“Cole, you know I hate spiders.”

“Alright, I’m sorry.” He smiled at her, and she cursed him silently for that smile - that perfect, heartbreaker’s smile that made everything immaterial in its wake. “Shall we?”

Together, they stepped into the room and were hit by the decades-old funk of pent-up dust and refuse and god knows what else. She knew she should have been scared, but somehow she only felt a heavy sort of sadness for what had transpired in the place - this was a mental hospital, after all. Cole seemed to feel it, too, as he suddenly turned quiet and pensive. He lifted his camera and started shooting as they delved further into the building.

They walked through the hospital, exploring long hallways and empty rooms. Cole shot some beautiful images, which he showed her.

“These are brilliant, Cole.”

“You think?” He examined one that he had taken of her standing in a doorway. “Ah. I can do better than that.”

“You’re too hard on yourself.” She gave his arm a reassuring squeeze. “Honestly, these are beautiful. As always.”

Cole shrugged to himself, and she followed at a short distance behind him as he kept shooting away.

Now or never. She took a deep breath. “Cole?”

“Mmm?”  

“We, um… we never got to talk about our scene yesterday. The kiss.”

He lowered the camera, turning to look around at her. “What about it?”

“Well, for starters, that wasn’t how we rehearsed it.”

He raised an eyebrow at her, half-smiling. “Well, at one point we were rehearsing it on your couch, with you straddling my lap. So, yeah,” he laughed, “definitely not how we rehearsed it.”

She reddened and smiled at the memory. “You know what I mean. It was off-script. I had to cue you in twice, remember? I mean, it was definitely beautiful, and Roberto obviously loved it...” She crossed her arms. “But why? Why’d you play it differently?”

“I don’t know, I just...” He sighed and looked down. “It felt right, you know? It came out of what I was feeling at that exact, precise moment.”

“Which was…?”

“A whole fucking lot.” He laughed nervously while running his hands through his hair. “I mean, Jughead’s never kissed Betty, right? But you and me, we’ve kissed. We’ve done more than kiss. So, going into the scene, Steven and I were talking, and I realised that I had to access some part of myself that was in the same nervous, anxious place that Jug was at during that point.”

“And what place was that?”

“Can I be honest?” Lili nodded, encouraging him to go on. “It’s this.”

“What, me and you?”

“It is, but it’s more than that.” He scratched his cheek, frowning. “Look, the way I see it, shooting that scene was like a metaphor.”

That wasn’t what she was expecting. “A metaphor?”

“Yeah. For us. And for Riverdale.” He sighed. “There’s me and you, and that’s obviously surreal and incredible. But there’s also everything else - all the pressures of a schedule, the artifice of the set, the scrutiny of everyone around us. You know what I mean? All the noise.”

Lili nodded. Of course she knew what he meant. It was the same thing she’d brooded over on the steps of the Cooper house stage.

Cole went on. “I guess I was just hyper-aware of all of that heading in. The noise became a distraction, and suddenly what was supposed to be a fun scene where I got to kiss this gorgeous girl that I really liked turned into this overwhelming commotion.”

Despite the gravity of their conversation, Lili had to look down to suppress a smile. He called me gorgeous. It never got old.

“That’s why I hesitated, why you had to cue me in twice. I was just caught up in my own head.” He looked at her, his eyes filled with a soft tenderness. “But your voice called me out of that, Lili. When you cued me in the second time, it was... like air. Like breath. And suddenly there was this clarity amidst all the doubt and fear that was clouding my mind.”

Fear. There it was again, that word, lurking over them like a watchful spirit, waiting to see who’d slip up first. The truth, which she had guessed correctly in those tentative seconds after their lips parted, was that they were both scared. They were both calculating the risk, aware that with each day that they found themselves in each other’s arms again, the stakes were being raised, and the questions were stacking up. Is this worth it? Will this stick? Will it stay?

And she was done with it.

Today, she had the answer to silence all her questions. Here, of all places, where fear lived, she was banishing hers.

She took a step towards him, closing the gap between them. “Cole, I need you to listen to everything I have to say without stopping me. Okay? Because if you stop me, I don't know if I can say it all.”

He nodded, and they were both silent. Lili brought her hand up to touch his chest, to feel his heart beating in the palm of her hand. It was strange to see him so still. Cole was always in motion, always talking, always on the move. His heartbeat - steady, constant and faithful - was a reminder of that. But right now, she needed him to stay put.

“When you first told me how you felt about me, back in LA, I was afraid. I was scared of my own feelings, afraid of how much I felt for you, and terrified of where that would take me.”

Cole nodded, keeping his eyes fixed on her.

“But I shouldn’t have been, because every day with you since then has been an adventure. You’ve made me laugh. You’ve given me the craziest stories to tell. You’ve taken me to some of the most beautiful places I have ever seen.” She looked around them. “Except this. Honestly, this place is a mess, Cole.”

He laughed at that, and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer.

“A few days ago, I was afraid again, for all the same reasons that you were afraid. Because suddenly everything became real, right?” Cole nodded. “Yesterday’s kiss wasn’t just an onscreen kiss with some random guy. It was a kiss with you. And yes, we were professionals about it, and the scene turned out amazing, but still - the fear was there because I didn’t want any of that noise to get to us.”

She exhaled and looked up at him. “But the noise is always going to be there, right? If it’s not Riverdale, it’ll be something else. And so it’s pointless to be afraid, to run scared. Otherwise, we’d be running this whole time.

“I don’t have all the answers to my questions. And I can’t say that I’ve resolved everything in my mind and that everything will be fine. But... I’m okay with that now. Because being with you has only made me bolder, Cole. It’s given me more courage to be myself, to pursue my passions, to dream bigger dreams. And if I follow where that leads - where my heart leads - I know that it won’t lead me astray. Because it will only lead me to you.”

Lili was tempted to tuck her face into his chest, to look anywhere but into his eyes. But she forced herself to keep her gaze on him - two pools of black, ringed by ocean blue.

“I love you, Cole.” She spoke it in one, swift sentence, and paused as she felt his breath hitch against his ribs. “I think I have for a while now.”

Silence. She could feel the weight of it filling the room to the brim, light driving out darkness.

“This isn’t a bribe, or an ultimatum, or a bargain. You don’t need to say it back. I just…” She shrugged helplessly. “It can’t be helped, and it can’t be kept in. I wanted you to know. You deserve to know.

“So there. I love you. Out of this uncertain but hopeful heart... I love you.”

“Lili? Cole?”

Voices in the distance. They were due back for the scene. The moment was gone, the bubble had burst. Lili was a little disheartened, but grateful that she was able to express herself to him. Maybe it was best this way - to leave their little secret whispered into the walls of the asylum, never to be uncovered.

Except Cole had other plans.

He seized her hand, and before she could ask him what he was doing, they were sprinting down the hallway and further into the building, past rooms she had never seen, past crumbling walls of plaster, eerie chambers that echoed their racing footsteps, broken windows and splintered doors and emptied ceilings.

Finally, they came to a stop in the middle of a large, light-filled room. He turned to her, panting from the run, his ocean blue eyes raging with a passionate storm.

“Lili.” There was something about the way he whispered her name, between ragged breaths, that stirred something deep and urgent in her.

Who started what, they couldn’t tell. But it was Lili who pulled him in by his shirt and Cole who pushed her up against the wall, one hand leaning for support, another flush against the skin on the small of her back. When their lips crashed in the middle, it was anything but tentative or tenuous. It was bold and bruising, frenzied and desperate. It was driven by a need that was both body and soul.

He brought his hands up to hold her face, and she felt him shaking. It startled her. She pulled back and he looked down at her in protest at the lack of contact. She took his hands in her own and brought his palms to her lips, soothing and calming him, wanting to say that it was okay, that this was where fear ended, that she loved him, she loved him, she loved him.

She tilted her head up, closing her eyes, wanting to kiss him again, but she was met with nothing. She glanced up at him.

“What?”

“However long you’ve know,” he said, his voice barely a whisper, “double it. Triple it.”

She stared at him. “Cole, what are you --”

“One day, I promise, I will make it up to you, for not saying it when I knew. For not being as fearless as you are.” He paused to take her in. “Because I love you, Lili Reinhart. I love you with every fucking thing I’ve got.”

His words crashed into her like a wave, pulling her under the current. This time, she was shaking. And crying.

Their small, tear-soaked kisses would gradually deepen into a longer, more searing one, and they stayed that way for a while - oblivious to time, unheeding of the space they were in. Until it felt like there was nothing left to give. Until they had filled themselves with each other. Until the same voices from earlier echoed in the distance, calling their names, calling them back to reality.

They looked at each other. “Well,” he said, “what now?”

She smiled at him. “I suppose we have to go and film.” She kissed the tip of his nose, and he wrinkled it at her. “After that? I don’t know. We’ll see.”

He smiled back at her, and he took her hand, interlacing his fingers with hers.

As they walked back out, passing through the hallways of the abandoned asylum, she felt giddy like a teenager, wanting to etch their names into the walls. Maybe not their initials - too juvenile. But she understood the need: she wanted to mark this place as it marked them.

But what would she write?

Here lies fear, she thought. Here it lies, conquered by love.

…

“So, remind me again why we’re still awake at 3 am.”

Their room at the Queen Anne Hotel was darkened save for a small, antique lamp beside their bed, which illuminated Cole’s bare form next to her. He turned to face her, and as he moved, most of him became obscured by the shadows. But it didn’t matter. Lili had already memorised his face. In some ways, she knew it better than her own.

“Well,” Cole started, “besides the fact that someone wanted toast and eggs at 1 in the morning—”

“Which someone else also enjoyed, leaving me with only HALF of said toast and eggs.”

“True. But yes, besides that fact...” She could sense him smirking in the darkness. “Do I really need to provide a blow-by-blow account of what happened here?”

Lili rolled her eyes. “No, because you’re only going to be gross about it and I don’t want you to ruin my night.”

“Fine then, be boring,” he said. “But to actually answer your question - don’t you remember what I said yesterday? About the witching hour?”

Lili slid under his arm and closed her eyes as she settled her head against his hard, muscled shoulder. “No. Remind me.”

“You never listen to my stories,” he whined.

“Yes, I do. But the witching hour doesn’t sound like something I want to remember while trying to sleep in a notoriously haunted room.”

“Ha. Fair point.” He cleared his throat dramatically. “Okay, Lili, picture it. Prague, 2014. The days were glorious, and the dig was on—”

“And as much as I love a Golden Girls reference, I’m about to fall asleep and you’re about to lose me here.”

“Alright, geez.” He sat up, and forced her to sit up with him. She groaned, but complied. “So a guy I was working with on this archaeological dig in Prague, he’s from Ireland, right? Comes from an extremely superstitious family, whereas he was a little more enlightened. Anyway, on our last night in the lab, we’re both up until 3 in the morning bagging rocks--”

“Sounds like a real rock star lifestyle you had there.”

Cole paused. “Did you just… with that rock pun…? You know what, I’m gonna store that in the back of my mind and comment on its magnificence later. So we’re up at 3, in this dark, dank little lab, and he freaks out a little looking at the time. I asked him if he was okay, and he says to me--”

“Oh my god. Are you about to attempt an Irish accent? Please say yes.”

“Lili, no.” She giggled. “He says to me, ‘Sorry, man. I just get a little creeped out around this time - the witching hour, you see. My ma always went on about it. Kinda hard to get rid of the habit.’”

Lili yawned, but she was intrigued. “So what was it?”

“Apparently, the witching hour - between 3 and 4 am - was usually the most active time for witches, spirits and demons. Something to do with the absence of canonical prayers at that time. But I looked it up afterwards, and it’s a real thing - people swear by it. They say that most ghost sightings happen around that time.”

Lili could have slugged him. “So... you’re telling me... that you’re keeping me up at this ungodly hour... to see if we could sight a ghost?”

Cole smiled sheepishly. “You were up anyway…?”

“Cole!” She was freaking out now. “This isn’t funny!”

“It’s not meant to be!”

They were half arguing, half giggling themselves silly. Lili dove underneath the covers, and Cole followed her in, tickling her mercilessly as she tried to wriggle out of his grasp.

A loud thump from the other side of the wall terrified them, and they both froze. A series of mumbled swear words from another disgruntled guest put them at ease. Not a ghost. Lili sighed in relief.

“Surrender?” Cole asked.

“Surrender,” she conceded.

They lay back down on the bed, still breathless from laughing. He turned to her, and took her hand in his, holding it against his chest.

“Hey. I love you,” he breathed out. “You know that, right?”

Lili turned to look back at him, and smiled. A year of this, and still it gave her a small thrill. What is it about us and saying ‘I love you’ in haunted places? To anyone else, it would have seemed bizarre. But to her, it made perfect sense. Because when they first met, Cole had been nothing more than an apparition that haunted her dreams - a vague half-entity that she knew so little of, that held no form other than the jacket he left her with.

But as time went on, the apparition put on flesh, and he became more real with each memory they created, each adventure they embarked on, each kiss that they shared. And then it wasn’t him that haunted her, but the fear of the uncertain, which they banished with finality at the abandoned asylum.

And now, here they were, in another haunted spot, celebrating a milestone while waiting for actual ghosts. We are the weirdest, she thought. And I love us.

“Lili?”

She snapped out of her thoughts and turned to him. She brought her hand up to caress his face, marvelling that this was real - that it felt real to her beyond what her fingers could touch. That she could feel it in her lungs and in her heart and in her bones.

“Yeah, I know, Cole,” she finally replied. “I love you, too.”

He turned over so that he was looking down at her, then kissed her bare shoulder. “So you staying up with me for witching hour? Could be interesting, right?”

Lili chuckled. “I thought you said you didn’t believe in that shit.”

“I don’t,” he said. “But I’m a skeptic willing to be proven wrong. Just don’t tell Dylan.”

She laughed and nodded and pulled him down for a firm kiss. Why the hell not. “Sure,” she replied.

They snuggled underneath the covers, Cole rattling off anecdotes at random, Lili listening, willing herself to stay awake. Not to witness the supernatural, but to experience the tangible. To experience Cole.

Let the ghosts come, she thought, as he put his arms around her.

She had nothing left to fear.