one of my favorite things about pride and prejudice is that in the last third of the book Elizabeth’s internal monologue about Darcy is her admitting that she’s in love with him but also putting all sorts of qualifications around that statement that kind of ...tamp down the level of emotion (the “feelings, if not as tender as Jane’s for Bingley, at least as just” line, even the whole thing about her and Darcy being well-matched objectively speaking) and as soon as she’s engaged you get the unbridled joy in the narrative about her own joy, cc: “I am happier even than Jane; she only smiles, I laugh.”
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Every academic has a Scholarly Nemesis, right? right. My Scholarly Nemesis and I are so far being coolly polite to each other and giving only the very reserved version of "I fear your premises and conclusions are alike unsound, such a shame; I mean, I guess I could be wrong, because one of us is."
The bit that worries me is that autocorrect keeps turning part of this person's name to Seething. So when I politely cite their work, autocorrect Freudian-slips me and I have to make sure that I do not show any other academics the work that says my scholarly nemesis is Seething.
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i think i might be aplatonic. or mentally ill. not sure.
so i like. don't know what's wrong with me anymore.
it's not that i don't WANT friends. i watch media romanticizing found family and the power of friendship all the time, since forever. i long to have what those characters have.
but i just... i don't seem capable of making/maintaining/appreciating friendships.
i feel incapable of viewing people as friends rather than someone playing the role of friend and as such giving me all kinds of friendship benefits
every second of every day, I feel unappreciated, undervalued, and unlistened to, and I take it out on people and punish them for it in all kinds of little ways
i know it's wrong. i feel guilty for it, at least a little bit. i still do it anyway. even when I stop myself, the urge is still there
i take every little thing that the people around me do and spin it in my head so I think they hate me, they don't care about me, they're clearly not listening to me or valuing anything I have to offer
i don't know enough aplatonicism to know if these are signs of it. i thought at first that it was just elements of my lovelessness shining through, but lovelessness doesn't explain this at all
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I have now three times seen someone on my dash reblog a statement to the tune of "oh of course this terrible person did something terrible; they're the Bad Ethnicity that's inherently backwards and evil" after having previously asserted that judging entire ethnicities based on the shitty actions of shitty individuals is wrong no matter what, no exceptions, period, because doing that is inherently a shitty thing to do to an entire ethnic group.
Unless if they're Irish, apparently. Then the thing that's never okay because it's inherently shitty and cruel is suddenly okay. Because Irish.
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how did you discover natsumes yuujinchou?
it's all @uovoc's fault!! they told me about the anime while they were watching it for the first time, in such glowing terms i had to know what all the fuss was about. and then i mainlined the whole thing in like two weeks and spedran the entire spectrum of human emotions AND somehow came out the other side obsessed with the exorcists, which i do not think they were expecting when they recommended it to me. such is life.
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sometimes I feel guilty for disliking my parents, or moreso how they acted when I was a kid sometimes. because nowadays they're great. they're absolutely fine. so it would be ungrateful to say they're bad parents? they spoiled me as a kid if anything, they kept me safe and all that too.
but at the same time, them being good now doesn't change the fact that I needed them to be good when I was still growing. it helps nothing for them to be good parents now that I'm an adult and already fucked up from them. it changes nothing that they were slightly traumatizing when I was still developing and growing as a child
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