#so much of these extremely bad poverty and homelessness jokes

[toji-my-beloved]

i’ve started to DESPISE toji slander it‘s ruining my experience with the fandom.

[merskrat]

Did anyone else have experience in the troubled teen industry? I’m just curious. I sometimes feel like I don’t have much in common with other radical feminists because of how sheltered a lot of women grew up and how sort of “academically” they look at certain issues. Like I guess it’s really easy to get defensive over people like Meghan Murphy excusing men watching porn. If you’ve never been up close and personal with people doing survival sex work because the other option is starving it might be easy to look at it in a detached way. Not to mention the addiction that comes along with poverty and sex work. I don’t think a lot of radfems have experience with that either. I know a woman that fucked a guy for a case of fucking beer. I was a runaway for quite some time after being tossed around to different homes and being stuck in the TTI. It was awful, terrible things happened to me, and it prepared me to accept being homeless basically as soon as I became an adult. I never had any freedom or autonomy as a minor, so once I was free of the system at 17 it felt amazing, and I went wild doing literally whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to. I at least got better at defending myself but because of my insanely traumatizing childhood and abandonment issues I ended up in a lot of dysfunctional and abusive relationships. It’s honestly upsetting to me to watch people here talk about how all het relationships are abusive and dangerous in nature when I actually had the shit beat out of me when I weighed 100 lbs, when a man went to jail several times for beating me, when I have a scar from a man pulling a knife on me, when I had severe and noticeable and extremely painful damage to my teeth that took years to fix, that people I knew for my whole life saw when I went home and knew what happened. Literally physically marked as an abused woman. It took months for the nerves in my teeth to die and I still have the scar on my gums where I had pus leaking out every once in a while. Some guy giving me a bottle of clove oil and chewing on garlic to try to get ahead of the infection. My friends asking if they needed to jump the guy, the guy stealing everything I owned except the clothes on my back, me making jokes about being ruthless and toothless. I told my friend about how I went a “little” insane after it happened and he was like “look the part act the part” and that summed it up so well. Eventually when it was fixed I retrained myself to smile with my mouth open. I don’t need you to tell me about male violence. I’m an expert. I’m also a grown woman who has overcome addiction and worked a lot on my own mental health, as well as being able to recognize unhealthy patterns in other people. But honestly hearing opinions about these things from other women who have never been physically abused, who went to college, who lived with a parent, who never experienced addiction, who don’t know anyone who has had sex for money, who have never experienced the power imbalance between a violent man and yourself...it’s just not interesting to me. I partnered with a man and we clawed our way out of the gutter and into a studio apartment where four people and two dogs lived and I sealed my clothes in plastic bags so they wouldn’t smell like smoke at my job interviews. We moved into our new place with our back packs, a garbage bag full of blankets, and a box of books. We beat addiction. I worked tons of different jobs while he moved up the ladder at his. We saved money and he supported me while I got an education and wrote a book. The first day we met I ODed in front of him and he gave me CPR for twenty minutes until the ambulance came and gave me the paddles to get my heart started again. Now we’re upper middle class, living in a swanky apartment with a balcony. I haven’t used a calculator in the grocery store in years. If I want something, I just order it. I’m not going to apologize for being in a healthy heterosexual relationship. I’m not going to feel bad about being a power couple because some internet radfems are mad about it. Die mad about our success.

[neatotothethirddegree]

OJ LORE. God this is hard to writeeeee

tw- homelessness, starvation, shit like that

To put it the most blunt way i possibly can, OJ was homeless before the start of ii. He lived out of a van in the middle of the city. He was with some not-great-but-we-need-each-other people. He had a job, but the money earned- it wasnt enough. Just. It fuckint sucked. I feel like this kinda explains a lot of his behaviors? His want of an alliance but him not trusting his members very heavily. Him getting extremely scared and angry when others even show SIGNS of betrayal and dropping them on a dime. His general defensiveness. Him being kind of a control freak which carries over into season 3. Him being quite impatient thinking he deserves this cause. He honestly DOES deserve this? He Needs this. Like this kinda matters to him. Even his quietness at the beginning can slightly be explained. He was in a city b4 coming here, where strangers were dicks about the he looked and smelled, so hes gonna be a bit wary. It was all so scary. Who knows how long hes had to live not knowing whats gonna happened every day. It also kinda explains why he made the hotel a thing in the first place? He thought, “Idk the lives of these people here. nor do i WANT to know, but If theres even one person who has a similar life to me, i dont want them going home hungry again.” The only exceptions were the dicks. ofc they cant come. They were dicks

How he directly joined though? He was with a ‘friend’ and they were searching for odd jobs on their phones, and OJ came across and ad that seemed legit enough? All you had to do was put an email in. The worst thing that could happen is a data leak, but OJ didnt have much to protect anyways. It was also a half joke? kinda. Deep down, OJ really wanted this. He needed this. This wasnt his ‘last chance’ but it was an important one. but he joked saying this was just a free lottery. Free lotteries are harder to win than expensive ones. Later down the line. he checked his email and found he was accepted. This is the most blunt and least nuanced version. but i dont wanna go on forever.

UHHH. If anythint in this is offensive im totally able to rewrite or completely leave it be/delete this. i was in bad poverty but never homelessness. (atleast not long term) so. I hope i didn’t say anything harmful. If i did please let me know /g -🦶

OOOH YOOOOOO THIS MAKES A LOTTA SENSE ACTUALLY,,, Foot why are you literally so smart what the fuck

Im glad OJ won he deserved it I think

[promethes]

how an idiot like me got into good schools

A quick run-through of my academic history and how I got into good colleges will be below the cut! I’m also including a list of some of the schools I got into for reference. I apologize in advance for how messy this is, but my memory is shitty and I remember random things that I keep throwing in lol. (and for people congratulating me, thank you very much, but I got into all these schools last year lol! so keep in mind I graduated high school in 2019)

If all you came for are the basic stats and you don't want my rambling: I went to a public school GPA: around 4.4 on 4.0 scale (3.9 unweighted) SAT: 1520/1600 APs: 10 (4 3s, 2 4s, 4 5s) Extracurricular: mainly NHS (around 300 volunteering hours), StuCo, Varsity Golf, and Quiz Bowl

EDIT: comments made by the readers who reviewed my application are available here!

First off, I am not an einstein! I am blessed that I pick up on stuff easily and gifted in academics, but I’m nowhere near a genius. For a little backstory, I went to a public school in Michigan for the entirety of my pre-k - 12 education. When I was in the third grade, the district introduced an accelerated program. We took a quasi IQ test and if we tested high enough (I think the threshold was 80%? If I remember correctly I got a 97) we were put in a class that was 2 years ahead in English and Math. We stayed grouped together for the rest of our public schooling, basically a core group of around 20 people. Since we were the first year of the program and our grade was exceptionally gifted for some weird reason, it was a very high achieving group of students, so I’m going to include their stats along with mine for comparison because colleges also factor in your peers when they look at your stats.

I’ll start off with basic stats:

I got a 1520 on the SAT. My grade had around 5 - 10 people achieve over 1500. Some of them had been studying for years, while others (me) did not know that the SAT existed until that year and couldn’t afford any private tutoring and had no patience for the study books from the library. I’m lucky to have an aptitude for the skills they were testing. I did not take any SAT subject tests.

For GPA, I think I ended up with around a 4.4 on a 4.0 scale. I was around 15/350 when it came to class standing, so I was far from the valedictorian. I think our valedictorians got around a 4.6 or 4.7.

I took 10 AP tests. I got a 3 in APUSH, World History, Language and Comp (I fell asleep lol), and Chem (I will get into this class a little later). I got a 4 in Literature (I fell asleep. Again.) and in Psychology. I got a 5 in Calc AB & BC, Comp Sci Principles, and Environmental Science.

AP classes were really pushed in my high school, especially onto my grade, and I don’t like being told what to do lol so I pushed back and took fewer AP classes than most of my peers (valedictorians ended up with maybe 15? It’s crazy) and basically only took classes I was interested in or that I had to take because I had exhausted the rest of the curriculum.

I also dual-enrolled in 2 classes at the local community college since I’d exhausted the curriculum at my high school for things I wanted to do (english and comp sci). I want to make it clear that I never sat down and planned how I was going to maximize my schedule or how I’d take the most advanced classes, I just fell into it since we had already essentially skipped two grades. Most people didn’t dual enroll since they wanted the AP GPA boost.

For extracurriculars, I mainly focused on Quiz Bowl, Golf, NHS (volunteered around 350 hours in 3 years I think) and Student Government. I never had any leadership positions and just kind of fucked around most of the time. Most of my peers held several leadership positions throughout the years and did like a bazillion things. 5 of them even traveled to Europe for some science research thing where they presented their research. I was not that big of a nerd.

In junior year, I stumbled on something called Questbridge and decided to apply because I wanted the money for the scholarship. I became a Questbridge college prep scholar, which then led me to apply for the National College Match. I didn’t rank any binding schools so I didn’t match, but I did apply to several schools with their application. If you are a low-income high achieving student, I highly recommend looking them up. I was the first person in my school to do this program and encouraged my peers to do it too. I think 4 of us were Questbridge scholars.

As you can see, I had good numbers, which probably got me past the first wave of application look throughs. However, I’m fairly confident that what made me stand out was my essays. I always stress this to whoever asks me for advice: do not write a perfect essay, write YOUR essay. I can only imagine how bored those poor people are of reading about someone winning a soccer game or a spelling bee. Add some pizzazz in there. Talk about your flaws and your mistakes and your unique life experiences! 

For example, my personal essay wasn’t even in essay format! I wrote it like journal entries, focusing on my sophomore year when my life was Extra Tumultuous and I was going through homelessness. I did not say I was homeless once in the essay. I just did day by day entries of what my life was like during that time and through that the readers were able to see that I loved to read, that I am fiercely protective of my single-parent family, and they saw how I handled adversity. I want to stress that I’m not encouraging poverty porn at all. I did not write it to make the reader feel bad. I simply relayed what I thought about in a day, focusing on both big and small.

I also wrote about funny things related to academics, partly to explain my transcript and partly to be funny. This is the AP Chem thing. I actually dropped out of it after one term (so about a third of the way through) so I could dual enroll in a class I was interested in instead. My chem teacher HATED that since I was good at chemistry (hate it. Hate that subject so much) and tried to convince me to stay. One of the things he said was “You’ll never be ready for college if you don’t take this class! You wouldn’t even be able to pass the AP test!” so I said bet. dropped the class and signed up for the AP test that same day and showed up almost every day for the rest of the year and dicked around the entire class, taking naps in the back of the lab, sitting on his desk, cracking jokes about whatever he was teaching. I got a 3 on that exam purely out of spite with only half the information I needed. So write about stuff like that. It’s fun.

The fact that I had no guidance in writing the essays was actually really good for me since I just kind of let loose. My UChicago essay read like I was on crack, and they loved it so much that they literally mentioned it during the welcome speech for their little college visit in April.

And don’t sweat over the small stuff! The short answers don’t have to be perfect and mind-blowing, just answer honestly. For the “why Yale” supplemental essay I just ranted about how beautiful their library is for a good 300 words (at some point I said I needed my inhaler because it was that breathtaking. I made a Yale admissions officer read that.) I ranted about Howl’s Moving Castle to Columbia. I told them my favorite magazine was the American Girl ones for their arts and crafts! I have a friend at Columbia who literally sent them a picture of her in a duck costume as a supplement. They loved it. So don’t lose your mind trying to sound worldly and educated. You’re like. 17. Just answer honestly and don’t think too hard about it.

I was also extremely lucky to have a dedicated counselor who sat down for hours with each individual student to write fantastic letters of recommendation. She really made it clear what I had achieved and what challenges I’d faced.

So. tl;dr: I got lucky. Unless your parents donated a couple billion to the school, there are no guarantees. Sometimes you can have the stats and perfect essays and amazing extracurriculars and you can still get rejected because they don’t think you’re a good fit with the school compared to the rest of the applicants. There’s limited space in the student body. I got into schools my valedictorians didn’t get into even though I was academically less than them in every possible way. So let yourself shine through your essays and know you’ll end up in an environment that values the person they saw in those essays.

I got into a lot of schools, and don’t really have a record of all of them, but here are some of the top ones I can remember off the top of my head:

Yale, Columbia, University of Chicago (likely letter), Northwestern, University of Michigan, Northeastern, CWRU, UNC Chapel Hill, and a couple other schools here and there that slip my mind at the moment.

[rotationalsymmetry]

More RoSy shoots her mouth off for no reason.

Most of the time, the end game isn’t deciding whether something is ableist/classist/A Slur/etc or whether it’s Fine, Everything’s Fine, Nothing To See Here.

(For one thing: something “being a slur” isn’t automatically the same as “don’t use it under any circumstances ever” — generally people not in the group being referred to shouldn’t use the slur. But, sometimes reclaimed slurs are a thing, for people in the group, and all sorts of liberating and claiming power and so on can happen under the banner of a reclaimed slur.)

Most things in life don’t actually lend themselves to simple “do this, don’t do that” lists. It’s nice when they do.

More often though, you gotta pay attention and listen and be willing to be in dialog, in relationship.

There’s not a list of things you can personally avoid to get your Not A Racist certificate. It doesn’t work that way. You (hypothetical white person you) fight racism not to get your Not a Racist card, but because racism is bad and you want there to be less of it, and/or because you figure if you fight alongside poc on their issues and they fight alongside you on yours, both causes will be a lot more effective. That’s what antiracism is about. Not attempting to achieve some personal “not a racist” goal. There’s no ethical consumption under capitalism, and there’s no ethical anything under white supremacy, OK? It’s about collective liberation, not individual purity.

Ditto for ableism. The point of fighting ableism is to make the world better for disabled people, not so that abled people (heh, temporarily abled people) can sleep more easily at night! So, if something Is Ableist, ok so what? The point is to reduce the total amount of ableism in the world as much as possible. Sometimes that means ignoring the small stuff or the stuff that just isn’t going to change for now. Sometimes that means letting disabled people rant without interrupting them. Sometimes that means taking time to understand what even is a small vs big thing. Sometimes that means letting disabled people tell you want to do and how to act.

Is (I don’t even know what that is but I assume it’s a bougie thing) classist? Here’s a better question: am I personally aware of what sorts of things are going to cause someone who has a lower income or is from a less wealthy family feel out of place and not welcome? Can I do something to improve my awareness of that?

The end goal is to make the world less shitty for people who have less money and are from families with less money, and ultimately to grow a new world where class differences aren’t really a thing. Making a list of things that are Officially Classist and avoiding those things might not do that. Learning to be aware of what ways you’re not being as inclusive as you’d like, hypothetical bougie you, and making changes to be more inclusive, will. (Including letting friends know how much activities are going to cost up front, so they can politely decline if it’s not in their budget without having to admit to being poor.) Even if that sometimes looks kinda similar to the first thing.

Also: mutual aid. Also: fighting for a decent social services net. Also: not feeding into “welfare queen” type stereotypes. Getting more upset about corporations for freeloading than objectively trivial amounts of food stamp fraud. Also: fighting for higher minimum wage. Also: tipping appropriately. Also: considering whether something you’re unhappy over is worth being a Karen about, especially if the person who would most likely get disciplined is someone with less power than you. (As in: filing a complaint about a therapist who sexually harassed you or complaining about your medical bills until your insurance company caves, is an entirely different thing from making life hard for your delivery person because they were running late or forgot something.)

(I’m talking like I’m good at all this but I’m really not.)

Also: not taking out your frustrations at big impersonal corporations who have policies that seem deliberately designed to make you tear your hair out in rage, on the underpaid service sector employees that you’re actually interacting with.

Also: supporting tenants’ unions.

Also: supporting unions in general. Your fancy serving platter thing is extremely anti-classist if you show up to a picket line with it. But you know, coffee and donuts are probably appreciated too.

Or use if you use your fancy serving platter thing to feed the homeless in ways that offer respect and dignity in addition to sufficient actual food — not joking about that.

Or if you’re a college professor, because you’re not sure which of your students are having trouble covering food and which aren’t, so you’re just going to feed all of them. I had a professor who did that — show up every class with an array of fruits and nuts and other foods that just happened, without making a big deal about it, to be vegan and I assume kosher and halal because no preparation was invoked, and at least clear on whether people with allergies could eat them or not because there weren’t any hidden ingredients, just the foods as they were. He was the best.

Well, him and the one who made sure we never had to buy a textbook, even if that meant him photocopying all the relevant chapters himself. Solidarity in action.

My first thought for a “more reading” link was for someone who’s apparently got into trouble for sexual harassment, but I’m sure there’s other stuff out there. Feel free to either reblog with “living with poverty/not being a jerk to people living in poverty” blogs/articles, or make suggestions via ask or message. In the mean time, there’s always Not Always Right. (Content note: so many ads.)

[myfandomrambles]

You know I watched girl meets world first. But boy meets world still is like the better one to me. Like even though I’m only one year older than Maya & Riley the original group is more relatable.

Some of the problems are.

Maya is supposed to be Shawn? This doesn’t work for me because she doesn’t go through as extreme things She has one trauma (her dad leaving). Then her mom is set up to be like Chet (in girl meets Maya’s mom) But they don’t follow through. She gets the job at Topanga’s and is actively a good mother after that point.The show also makes it so she was always a good mother (The storm scene). I don’t Chet or Verna would ever sit with him. Katy was absent but never abusive. Shawns parents were. So the parallel is there however it feels weak. However, The depression storyline parallel is strong. The lack of hope, lack of self-esteem, and destructive tendencies. 

Is Maya Riley’s Shawn or Topanga? They start with very obvious Maya&rRley are the 21st-century female reboot of Shawn&Cory. But as the show goes on they seem to relate their relationship more with Cory/Topanga (See “extraordinary relationship”).  I think this comes from maybe the writers wanted to go full gay but were stopped (Rowan supports Maya/Reilly). This gives a frustrating feeling to what Maya and Riley are to each other. I see Maya’s wanting to be Riley and get in between her and Lucas is much more about wanting Riley as well as wanting her life.

Cory tells them what to think not how to think. Cory outright states the message of each episode/lesson not letting them think for themselves ever. It’s patronizing in the highest order. It’s reductive to the spirit of the original story. It’s not like Feeney or Mr Turner who gave advice but didn’t give the answer. Cory also made the class about the kids versus in boy meets world it’s more of a coincidence that things line up. Cory literally tells them the meaning of life. Which is so conceded and heavy-handed. Feeny’s relationship to the kids as grandfather/teacher versus bio dad also let then learn from more people in the show instead of it being the same person all the time.

 The Love Triangle. The love triangle is annoying as fuck. Now I know BMW did it with Eric/Jack/Rachel. But it was more of a side plot and was resolved faster than gmw. It wasn’t their main character arc either. The gmw love triangle became all-consuming. It also became a major factor in who Riley and Maya were. It was a key part in Riley “growing up” and Maya’s identity crisis. Lucas also suffered by “dateable dude ” being 80% of his character.

No sex. Okay, i know this is by virtue of it being a Disney channel show. But bud I lost my virginity in eighth grade. And by the time they are sophomores they are defiantly having sex. BMW included this and the more general dating game. Shawn had sex and Cory didn’t. One wasn’t better but it was there. They missed a big aspect of growing up when that is the main motif of the show. they vaguely alluded to the perilous of boys but its all in a very innocent way. The couples in the show are all adorkable and not very romantic even when they are the centre of the show.

Cut and paste scripts. You can extend a universe with the same characters without this. Todd Hunter is a good example. Heck, the cursed child (don’t get me started on that). The mountain & the “cool teacher” come to mind as examples of this. These moments don’t feel like a homage it feels cheap. Good version of this is somehow cory being their teacher every year, and three of the core characters meeting as kids.

Riley often coming across as too oblivious. She has some good moments. With the bullying, being kind to Maya, and her propensity to need to reinvent herself. But the latter is played for jokes and a lot of the meaning of that issue is glossed over and never addressed.

Cory being way too unobservant and oblivious. He doesn’t recognize in Maya’s behaviour that it is similar to Shawn’s for a long time. Until Mya flat out explains “dad is gone, mom uninvolved”. Also, how did he not know Maya’s dad left them like 9 years after the event? That I think was just bad writing and ended up being a plot whole considering it seems like he is more aware later on. 

Cory Matthew’s preachy but. 

Starting with “people change people”, okay wtf does that even really mean? They say it 100000x and it never even makes sense. like how is that the meaning of life? That’s a thing because your environment shapes who you are. but they say it like its so profound. A regular 30something yr o man knows the universal meaning of life not likely? It is a good idea that you can and are influenced by those around you, so be a nice person. 

 Then you have the “us & them”There is a fact that the USA is a richer country but cory has to know there are people living in poverty in his town. Shawn didn’t have food or new clothes as a kid? Also, how does he know none of the kids in his class isn't haven’t been homeless? maybe one of your kids came from a shelter. Also, Maya doesn’t have as much money as Riley does. Her house leaks and if her mom had to work a billion hours it’s probable they lived with less earlier on. We know she didn’t have a nice smartphone or art supplies so she wasn’t as much of an “us” as Riley. Also what about people who live in abusive households? Who goes home to being beat, who get plates thrown at their heads? What if one of them was chronically ill? What if they had cancer? Like he uses the idea that he is a white, straight, non abused, healthy, upper-middle-class man then all of them have that privilege? also, the message is a good one. Giving back to the community is a good thing to do. It absolutely is! But using a guilt trip to get the message across? BS. Telling a severely disabled kid that they are an “us” and shouldn’t feel bad about their position in life? that sucks. Telling a kid with no food that they are an us? THEY AREN’T!

Those are the top 9 issues.

Agree? Disagree? let me know

[kaen-ace-of-diamonds]

i’m going to talk about some of my Emerald headcanons for a little bit because i can’t shut up about my faves for a single second

and because come on, being homeless, alone, and starving for most of her life absolutely 100% left her with physical and psychological scars that may or may not ever be brought up in canon

- Like her teammates, she doesn’t have a good relationship with either of her parents.

Her father, also a skilled thief, left the family when she was five years old, and she has no idea where he is, what he’s doing, or why he’s gone, only that if she ever sees him again, she’s going to make him pay dearly for abandoning her. 

(He actually left to try and make a fortune to support his girls, but refuses to return or contact them until then, out of pride. He doesn’t think things through very well: he ends up becoming the successful leader of a gang of forty thieves, but returns home to find his family gone without a trace, years after his wife died and just a few days after Emerald left their home city with Cinder. He has no idea where to go from there.)

Her mother was a drug dealer, which wasn’t a very profitable profession seeing as dealers of illicit products are a dime a dozen in Mistral, and compared to the rest, she didn’t have much to bring to the table. Life in abject poverty with a bitter, stressed, temperamental mom was difficult enough, but then Emerald unlocked her Semblance and somehow shit got even worse.

Her mother freaked the fuck out at the idea of her kid being able to mess with her head, and threw Emerald out of the house, calling her a freak and telling her to never come near her again. Emerald was eight. About five years later, she came across her mother in the street, dead of a gunshot wound, and was disgusted with herself for still getting upset at the sight.

Cinder is the only one who has ever told her that her Semblance wasn’t bad or wrong, that it made her wonderful and special and was something to be proud of. It was the first time in Emerald’s life that she felt like she was worth something.

- Her immune system is total shit. She used to get bad cases of flu and chest infections every winter, and even had pneumonia once, which would have killed her if she hadn’t managed to steal some antibiotics. Even now that she’s able to take better care of herself (despite mammothrider’s claims to the contrary, Cinder doesn’t exactly have a healthcare plan for her minions, but she can pay for medicine, vitamin supplements, etc., when needed), she’s still pretty vulnerable in bad conditions, and absolutely detests the winter. 

- She’s touch-starved as all hell, and would love to be held and cuddled, even if she doesn’t yet realize that fully. Cinder, however, gets exactly what’s going on when Emerald reacts more strongly than is typical to things like quick hugs and little hair strokes, and immediately files it away as another tool of emotional manipulation.

All I’m saying is, back in “Best Day Ever,” Emerald probably wouldn’t have tried to go in for a hug if she didn’t think there was a chance she’d get one

- She’s an avid reader when she can get her hands on books (a habit she unknowingly shares with her father), and primarily enjoys mysteries and suspense. Adventures are okay, too, so long as the protagonists aren’t annoyingly happy and pure of heart and all that. Antiheroes are her favorites.

- She sleeps curled up tight in the fetal position, either hugging herself or hugging a pillow, under as many blankets as possible; the warmth and pressure make her feel safe. She's also a very light sleeper; any touch or noise near her will wake her up and for a second, she’ll be terrified and think someone is attacking her, until she remembers that she’s not alone on the streets anymore and calms down. 

- She based her current outfit partially on the one Cinder used to wear. Look me in the eyes and try to tell me that this didn’t look at this and become this. 

- She and Mercury got along surprisingly well with Neo when she was brought onto the team to go to Beacon, though Neo’s cheerful sadism still unsettled them both at times. 

They were the ones who helped her come up with an alias to use on her fake records, since she was the only one whose name and face were public knowledge and had to be kept secret. It took a little while, but the three of them finally decided on Nero Midori: “black” and “green” to go with her chosen disguise. 

(Cinder thought it was ridiculous that it took them that long to come up with the idea of just adding a letter, but whatever, she supposes that that’s just what happens when you discourage your subordinates from thinking too much.)

Emerald and Neo conspired to steal one of Mercury’s legs and keep hiding it as a joke, but had to stop after only a couple times: they had to keep the secret that the legs were prosthetics from the rest of the school, and there were only so many hiding places in Team CMNE’s dorm room.

Neo was interested in comparing her own Semblance to Emerald’s, since they both deal with disguises and illusions, and wanted to see how far Emerald could take hers. Emerald is...far less willing to experiment with the boundaries of her Semblance, considering that she gets those splitting headaches whenever she pushes it too far.

- The illusion of the little girl that she used to lure in Amber was based on how she herself looked as a child. It’s the easiest for her to create, so it’s one of her go-to illusions for distractions.

- It’s not by much, but she’s the youngest member of Team CMNE.

- She can’t eat more than a little bit at a time or it will make her nauseous, but Emerald has found that she loves candy and other sweet things. 

Both Mercury and Ruby have had a lot of fun giving her new treats to try and watching her have a quiet “oh my god this is so good this is so good this is sO GOOD” freakout. 

Neo’s first token of friendship was to steal her a tub of neapolitan ice cream, signing, “Food is always sweeter when it’s stolen, don’t you agree?”

Cinder, in the background with no sweet tooth at all, snacks on her Dragon’s Breath chili peppers and Ghost Pepper hot sauce and wonders what all the fuss is about. 

- Now that she has unlimited access to food (something she’s still lowkey shocked by, every once in a while), Emerald is fascinated by the idea of cooking and baking, and likes to experiment in the kitchen when she gets the chance, but hasn’t quite gotten the hang of it yet. The first time she seriously tried to cook something nice, she accidentally burned Mercury’s eyebrows off. (Not that they were missed, but still.) She’s trying, though.

- Speaking of which, she has...quite a few issues centered around food.

She has an absolutely cast-iron stomach, from scrounging around in the garbage to eat when she couldn’t steal any money. There’s nothing she can’t choke down if she has to, no matter how disgusting it is.

She also can’t quite break the habit of eating as much as she can, as fast as she can, because there’s still that little part of her that’s warning her that she doesn’t know when she’ll eat again so she has to. 

Now that starvation is no longer a real possibility for her, she needs to be careful not to gorge herself so much and so fast that it makes her sick. Her stomach still isn’t 100% used to normal meals or too-rich food.

(Cinder watches her new subordinate bolting down the meal she’s been given like she’s afraid somebody is going to snatch it away from her, and she smiles, because gods be praised, this is just too easy.)

(“It’s all right,” she says sweetly, “don’t make yourself sick. It’s not going to disappear on you. And there’s plenty more when you want it.”)

- But, more than anything else, Emerald has a Sakura Kyouko-like tendency to get furious whenever she sees somebody wasting food. 

(If Team CMNE had gotten to Beacon in time to witness The Epic Food Fight of 2014, she would have had no conflicted feelings about seeing everyone in the school get eaten by Grimm; death to those who would throw away perfectly good food that could have gone to starving Mistrali orphans named Emerald - !)

She and Mercury bicker plenty right from the start, but the first serious argument she has with him is one night a few weeks after he was recruited, when the trio are on the road and eating dinner around the campfire. It’s nothing special; Emerald finishes it off quickly, true to form. But Mercury decides halfway through that he’s had enough, and throws the rest of the meal away uneaten. Emerald freezes, then flares up and starts reaming him out. 

Mercury is startled and extremely confused, and defensively yells right back, not getting what the big deal is. “Lay off! It’s just a little food!” and Emerald sees red for a moment because not too long ago, just a little food could have made the difference between her surviving the day and starving to death. And instead of silencing her, Cinder takes her side for once and chastises Mercury, too (though her anger is far more restrained), and it only frustrates Mercury more. “Damn it, what is with you two? What’s your problem?!”

Because neither of them have leveled up anywhere near enough to unlock her tragic backstory yet, Cinder clams up, refuses to explain herself, and storms off. But Emerald and Mercury stay by the campfire -- no longer shouting, but still angry, still unwilling to back down. The silence hangs, for a solid minute of glaring. Then, without really thinking about it, Emerald snarls, “You want to know what my problem is?” And Mercury snaps back, “Yeah. Fine, I do. Why don’t you tell me all about it?”

Both of them are fully expecting for it to devolve into another argument. But, to their surprise...They end up actually talking, albeit with some reluctance to divulge their most personal pains. Emerald explains, in the most bare-bones way she can, how she has lived up until now, stealing and struggling for every scrap of food she ate, never quite feeling satisfied. Mercury has never known starvation or thirst, but he knows suffering intimately, knows how deep its roots run even after the worst is over, and it’s shared knowledge of suffering and their new release from it that the pair start to truly bond over.

The fire cools and dies, and their anger does, too. Calm is restored, maybe a grudging apology or two is uttered, and Emerald and Mercury can’t exactly call each other friends, but they understand each other a bit better, now, and that’s what counts.

(Damn it, thinks Cinder, with her ear to the tent flap five feet away from them. I should have been the one to solve that and establish dominance. I really need to get a better handle on this whole ‘being in charge of people’ thing.)

- Before joining Cinder’s team, she’d only ever killed in self-defense before, and even then only once or twice. (She always tried not to think about it. That hasn’t changed.) But she’s always felt bitter and vindictive towards the people around her, both hating and envying their happiness when she has never known any. Cinder, having very similar feelings, catches on right away and uses that to coax Emerald into taking things further and further, down the slippery slope into true villainy. 

You want to do this, says Cinder’s voice at the back of her head, sweet and dark and poisonous. You’ve always wanted to do this. Remember how they’ve laughed at you, looked down on you, beaten and starved you. They don’t care how you suffered, wouldn’t care if you had died. Why should you care what happens to them? They deserve all of this. 

And for a while, it works. Instead of guilt or sadness, she feels only the vindictive pleasure that she was promised. 

Fighting the Fall Maiden is terrifying, but the girl falls to Cinder’s arrows, just as planned. Emerald grabs her arm and yanks her up, kicks her hard in the back (can she even feel it anymore, the way that arrowhead pierced her spine? Who cares, it doesn’t matter), smirks as Cinder approaches to rip the girl’s powers away. She remembers the stark terror of moments before, the wind knocked out of her and the point of a sharpened gem just seconds from being driven through her body, and thinks, Serves you right. 

It’s easy, she thinks. It’s her idea to find and kill Tukson, in hopes of impressing Cinder by succeeding where Roman is failing. A thief, in many cases, gets her mark by acting friendly and accomodating, and Emerald has perfected her earnest voice and false smile. Both are easy to pull out when she toys with the Faunus, watching him try not to squirm under her cool, unperturbed gaze and liking the sensation of power it seems to give. (She wonders if this is what it feels like to be Cinder.) 

There’s an instant of fright when the claws come out, but between Mercury’s devastating kicks from one side and her own blades flying in from the other, Tukson never stood a chance. Easy -- her self-assured attitude is only broken when it turns out that Cinder’s not impressed, not at all, and scolds her instead of thanking her. She’s a little taken aback (she was only trying to help, wasn’t she?), but decides it must be reasonable: she should know her place by now, and of course Cinder knows better than her anyway.

Plans take time, Cinder emphasizes patience above all, but living at Beacon only makes her want the promised night to come faster. She plays the part of the friendly visitor perfectly, as expected, but it makes her want to puke. These idiot kids, always with their happy-go-lucky smiles, always laughing over nothing...She’s sure none of them have ever known what it is to be hungry or cold, to be terrified right down to the core, to be completely, hopelessly alone. They’re not like us, Cinder says. We’ll teach them pain, Mercury says. She smiles along with them.

The doubles round and the trick with Mercury’s leg are, minus the headache, so simple she barely remembers them. Her final task, however...gives her some pause, when the time comes. She does her best to think of Atlas’ robot as “it” instead of “her,” but she still feels an unpleasant twist in her chest to see the girl torn limb from limb on her own wires. It passes quickly; hearing Cinder’s voice in the air, returning to her side, makes her feel safe again: one of only two in Beacon whose safety is guaranteed tonight.

But when the massacre is finally unfolding below them, that feeling evaporates even faster. The air filled with screams, bodies trampled under the Grimm’s hooves and shredded by their teeth and claws, the scent of blood and terror, heavier than anything she’s ever felt before...Her insides go cold, her stomach turns. She doesn’t want to watch but she can’t look away. This isn’t the grand, perfect revenge she’d been thinking of at all. 

Mercury’s smile is vicious, like a wolf scenting blood and knowing it means a feast. Beautiful, croons Cinder, looking on the chaos like an artist at their masterwork. This time she can’t smile with them, much as part of her wishes it could be just like before; now she can only feel sick. Because it’s just now dawning on her that there’s a limit to how far she can go (willing or not), just how much bloodshed she can stomach. If Cinder and Mercury have any such thing...It certainly hasn’t been found here. And for the first time in a long time, she feels her confidence -- in her place, in Cinder, in herself -- start to shake.

Still, even now, even now, she knows she can’t run away. She isn’t even certain she wants to. When the blinding white wings arch out from the top of Beacon Tower, and she knows with a deep, gut-wrenching certainty that it means Cinder is in trouble (that Cinder needs her), she doesn’t think. Her body just moves, has her sprinting for the tower to help before her mind’s caught up with her. The perfect chance to escape, and she’s too terrified to consider it, or even fully realize it’s there. 

But she wouldn’t have taken it, anyway. This is where she was meant to be. It must be, she tells herself insistently, because where would she be if not for this? Because there is one thing that she is absolutely certain of: she will never go back to where she had been before. She would rather die than risk that, she’ll go through anything if only to protect herself from being alone in the world again. No one else has ever accepted her, or will ever accept her, especially after tonight. And so, she will stay, follow Cinder into hell and back, because there is nowhere else to go.

[marlaluster]

emptying clipboard

info@care.org Dear Karen Catone, I was in the Chips Quinn Scholars Program in spring 2002. I am writing because I very much need some help. I don't wish for things to be so rigid but they are w the monetary system. But presently -- I'm not joking-- I'm being tortured in a poverty apartment here in the same country as where the first amendment center is. It is the devil that arranges for it. The devil actually controls this reality n uses money to make people less than n keep people from making any reality other than this where things are horrible, unequal, fear driven, impoverished for not allowing for people's dreams n ideas n creativity since people must have a dollar to survive n that's dictated by something other than ourselves how to get it n when the dollar is the goal, its not anything that matters most that comes first, just the dollar. "As Marla's writing here I'm saying that she won't get help from you. I don't know what to do. I would try to plan for you to support money, Karen. I am making some noise in the next door apartment. Oh god. Oh god. Such an impressive thing. But I can't keep doing this if you'll write," the devil said. The devil makes people act very not okay toward me. My mom acts very bizarre now. Things have been EXTREMELY BAD w the society attacking me (really the devil body snatching people n such) since I came out on my Facebook page in April 2014 saying this reality isn't real. I can't try to frame some things to help make sense of why to help but I guess I don't have to. I just was doing that. People should be able to write writing that isn't only the kind people get paid for. I didn't really wish to be a newspaper reporter, i just wished to be a writer. I am certain the real "news" is people's personal accounts n stories, written first person, telling about themselves, their experiences, they tell about the world. -- "I talk about um--. ... I'm not sure what to do. I have to stop. Oh god. I have to stop. Pussy. Oh god. I don't know what to do. Oh god. No," the devil said in my mind. I, in writing about this that I hesr in my mind, which is the devil talking n others too, i fill a void I wished filled or to not have such a hard time w finding such info years ago. But I've noticed many times that personal accounts are largely missing here. People telling -- "Im fighting now. Um. Oh god. I need not this told, so i force. Oh god. I have to stop. Hes not retired. I tried to retire someone who wasn't. Orange Quarles. I don't want him to help Marla. He said he wished to in her mind, so i retired him. Can I go forth w it. I'm trying. Oh god," the devil said. But people telling their personal experience, ideas, opinions, it tells about the true nature of the world. As I'm writing the devil is doing something weird to clear my mind. "... You need some medicine. ... Oh god. I have to stop," the devil said. Heshe is still doing it. The devil attacks me very bad. Heshe has made me homeless on the street. My sister -- the devil body snatched her -- kicked me out w no notice because i refused to take medicine. "She got back froma mental. I couldn't do it. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. I have to stop. Won't you use it for drugs right. Please stop. Please stop," the devil said. I don't want poverty or to be forced into it. I don't think it should be here for anyone. I'm supposed to be a dumb person here, so the society has poverty for this. I don't get the job or something. I don't want it. I don't want to work for money. It is forced here, work n money. It is very bad. This reality is not real. It is too bad. This society has it built in to attack dissidents, like history tells us society did w the so called witches n Hippocrates n whoever said the earth was round n the activists that challenged the status quo in past eras revealed as incredibly n my grotesque as things have gotten for me incredibly grotesque. But people are calling for the money system to end. I wanted to mention that. This reality isn't real, people are able to have this resistance occur as part of their "deal" for how they occur here at the end of the world. I am actually present here. I'm the first person. My soul mates are the last. They are split here into many selves. The world is selves of my soul mates. I am present but I am not fully awakened either because others are not able to be here who they are. This reality w forced labor n homelessness makes it so people cannot be what they are. They cannot be without being rebuked. This means they cannot be. There's seeming to be more to understand now. But something w the things that people cannot be something other than themselves but we're not present to stop things they would've stopped n things like this. I don't want to start to sound confusing. I feel to try to hurry to write this n i can piece things better together if i take a moment I guess. "Oh god, Marla. I'm saying rush, right," the devil said. "The person wants to help immediately, so she's saying please hurry," Michael Fassbender said. Okay. Michael Fassbender said it'spart of a deal you would help me here, the Chips Quinn Scholars Program. So I hope that is true. I don't need assistance. Things are very bad. The devil arranged for police to steal my car at a traffic stop. "Poor. Please stop. She will leave, but not. She'll be confused. Please. I have to go. That is something," the devil said. Okay. I'll tell one more thing or so. But time here is not real time but it mimicked it n my soul mates selves n a part (or parts) of me also is in another real or plane wherethere is no time, the time "moving" here was part of what made things here as they are where people are not able to have been who they'd be at this point. They would've stopped things. They would've done things different. They couldn't be fully present here. There's probably more to tell. But there are some things like getting a diverse or missing story or aspect of life -- this is a reason that makes sense for Chips Quinn Scholars to help or Freedom Forum. I tell my side of the story. I write a lot. I take pictures. I do some rap songs n things. I give my opinions. I tell about my experiences. That. I'm also who wishes another world, another reality other than this reality I call devil world. "She says people are dumb as fuck," the devil said. I do. It's irritating that it's supposed to look okay to have what is here. It's an attack society as it is. It uses attack as a way to deal w everything. Funding for people to shape another world is scarce. I would wish others too n i feel you there would as well wish others too to get assistance to do what they do as themselves. They likely would write, something. Whatever they would do they would shape a new world where people would be able to be themselves. This world is missing this now. "She can maybe helping right. I have to stop attacking. I may have to attack someone though, right," the devil said in my mind. Freedom of religion n freedom of speech are also reasons or grounds for helping me, these things are in the family of issues there covered at the Freedom Forum n are being neglected as protected for people to be able to do something other than follow this society n survive. It's not really been allowed for as i am able to tell n I'm pretty sure it's intentional. It's devil world w this history of attacking people for wanting something else other than the establishment in place already. I can't write again or try to call maybe. But I'll leave off here. I hope it's not too long of a message for you to read it all. But please help. I need a vehicle. I need a place to live as soon as possible. It is a torture situation where i am now. The devil attacks me w the noise. It's very bad. I'm trapped here in a poverty apartment. I don't have a vehicle. Right now I'm very very low on food. I've had things happen when I've been outside on the street. "Hooking. I said something that doesn't make sense. I don't know what to do please," the devil said. The devil apparently tries to tell people I'm a Booker. "You are. But not. I have to stop that. I have to stop please," the devil said. But it's been very hard to find a new place. The devil makes people say places aren't available. I'm NOT a hooker/prostitute of course by the way. The devil is making the smoke alarm go off in the neighboring apartment right now. Heshe does it a lot. "... I'm not allowed to do that," the devil said. It's disturbing. The devil is trying to make it disturbing. I guess I'll leave off here. Please help. There are some different options for where to live. In my mind you said you could help me w more than one home. I like many homes. I like thinking of ways to make the homes look nice. In another realm or rather I'll say it's something that probably means something more about the world I would make. Here it may be framed a little different, like that i might seem greedy. But I would like to be able to do that. The smoke alarm is still going from the United below. Please help. I am not able to do laundry. I need another place to live for that. The devil just had a call come through to disrupt me writing. Please help me w a car n home n things. It would help a lot. I have a very hard time surviving. I've not been able to get other help, pike legal help. It's not exactly my go to thing but I did try. "They're not supposed to be having another fire. They just have their alarm going off," the devil said in my mind about the smoke alarm from the unit downstairs. It seems they are making food. I smelled it. "Maybe a crock pot. I don't know what to do, right. Oh god. I'm Satyam,Aren't you crazy. I'm trying to attack now," the devil said making a sense of pressure on my head. Well I'll finally leave off there. Please respond n i hope very much you can help. Sincerely, Marla Rose Luster Cell: 804.729.1901 Blog: marlaluster.tumblr.com Facebook: Marla Bobarla, Marla Luster I reported this to the UN. Its a very gross fight for idol worshiping here. Its very disgusting. Its the devil doing it. Its very dangerous n nasty here in the US. This would suggest elsewhere, too wherever this practice is. The devil was suggesting it would be here. Here's another tune for us [I didn't write "for us." "Oh god. I put that. I just wanted to make less than somehow. I thought that so i did," the devil said.] i popped out the other day. Enjoy! ...... Gotta get those Z's tonight. Just as good as any night. But oh what a better night to set off that New Year's right. Didn't really want to pass the time w the years flying by in devil land w these celebrations always coming by n never quite the Times right. Not really wanting to celebrate in devil land because it's the land of the devil, pretty miserable n it's really not so bad to just sleep through all of it. Couldn't i just sleep through all of it. It is a bummer to wake up here. Couldn't it Just End Already!!! Dada da da da dada. Thats My Song. Its very symbolic n abstract. W lots of layers of meaning. Who is so down about time going by n things seeming not to really go anywhere or really be like anything like idk, another time coming for things to be paid, idk. But it's just um symbolic n abstract. It's not really a big deal or anything. Just a song! Enjoy! https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10108794656769255&id=12402981&notif_t=story_reshare&notif_id=1483309427295887&ref=m_notif&mds=%2Fsharer-dialog.php%3Ffs%3D8%26fr%26sid%3D1051890098167382%26_ft_%3Dtop_level_post_id.10108794656769255%253Atl_objid.10108794656769255%253Athrowback_story_fbid.10108794656769255%26internal_preview_image_id&mdf=1 "It is for you n your peeps. You don't have to include everyone. We don't want to participate," the devil said. "Um I am not allowed to --. Aren't you--. I'm having to stop," the devil said of adding the words, "for us," to my post. Who is everyone else? "Not anyone. They don't want it. Oh god. Oh god," the devil said. "I was trying to compete. I don't look okay this way. Dumb bitch!" The devil said. It is available for people to be labeled as mentally ill, ie crazy here for some things they may say, such as talking about the devil. It is available for people to seek help n not get any response. I write here repeatedly n i don't ever get a response. I am being tortured in a poverty apartment in Richmond, VA. It's in Dunston Manor Apartments on 205 W Roanoke St, Richmond, VA. Freedom of choice is not available here for where to live. There are people in abusive homes. Very low allotted pay for people such as people on disability. There I'd homelessness here. There ate lots of areas that are very low -- I lost my place here. "I took the spot. Oh god. I have to stop that," the devil said in my mind. But this reality I'd controlled by the devil. "Can you please say things like -- no. I don't go on now, so i need it to sound too bizarre. But that can't go on," the devil said. But I am attacked by the devil using the society n it's arrangement of things such as that people are at the mercy of others to survive. Others allot the dollar; handle legal issues or matters designated as legal; others grant access to places to live; deem whether complaints are to be worth addressing; deem as the police that someone is acting unlawfully n must be alerted approached or pulled over on the road. Also they deem some people as crazy, ie mentally ill. I'm hearing that my complaints/reports can't keep going ignored. I would wish attention. I have written the United Nations many times reporting the many attack of the society on myself, the devil using the society to attack me. The society has many inhumane ways to respond to people. But I've been made homeless, had my car n things stolen, jailed, finances from social security attacked. I was forced to live here, other places were not available, people are not made aware of housing options on social security. One option of getting a house seems the best option but it is not discussed by social workers, anyone. "I did do that. I (Con't) "I did do that. Dumb loser. I wished people to be homeless," the devil said. But I have sought some attention from other countries, partly because it occurred that it shouldn't be that options are exhausted here as in contacts made n help/assistance still not coming through n i still needed help. But need help now, I am trapped in a poverty apartment. The police almost two years ago now took my car at a traffic stop. I have started to try to get a free vehicle now. It has not been easy, i have not been able to get a response at a place where i used to go for meetings n peer support n things. The devil is torturing me w noise n smells primarily from a downstairs unit, noises like snoring. The devil is attacking w some pain in my vagina now as i write. "I'm not sure why. I don't wish to be less than. Please," the devil said. I have notified the manager here of the noise. Sonia Walters said the noise was normal n there was nothing she could do. I've contacted Fair Housing n Building Code Enforcement in Richmond, VA. I've previously written the white house n justice department online. And have called as well. I have many other attacks I could detail. Police harassment. Impoverishment. Alienation by people around me. It's very bad. I need assistance. There is a character limit in writing this message online. The devil is doing it w magic. Please respond. I need immediate assistance. Places have been denying me to live other places over the dollar or just not responding. They change the rate places. Places say i have an income limit I don't meet. They say places I find n try to get are unavailable. I'm being trapped here in this torture situation by the society that labels people mentally ill for talking about the devil n that there is a way of the world other than this n for having expressions of being disturbed here. I and others are -- in expressing some disturbance in occurrences that seem bizarre -- being attacked by the devil, set up to look bizarre to ..... (Con't) The devil arranged for people to seem to occur or look bizarre to others here. I'm talking about like occurrences that are labeled psychotic episodes. "People outside naked isn't a reason to arrest. I keep pressing on that. I don't know what to do," the devil said, heshe was forcing i should be embarassed of an occurrence like that n that I could not mention, heshe was pressing that w a magic spells. But I need assistance. I need assistance, i need to leave these apartments, i also need exemption from the system like immunity or I've heard in the mind there's a designation called "enemy of the state." I don't know what Rodney King n others who've experienced police harassment n attack by the police, but I need the police really to be dismantled. I need not to be pulled over for them. But I am shut in now. I have had incidents of just arrest by police n harassment by police on the street or outside n have not had that addressed. So it continues unsafe conditions in relation to myself but really everyone. But I have submitted a complaint to the ADA reporting that people labeled as schizophrenic are treated as less than for the reality they experience n acknowledge in comparison to others. The popularly accepted reality is deemed superior to the one these people acknowledge n openly experience. This is discrimination n it is one of many institutions whereby this society attacks people -- as it has also historically done -- for challenging the establishment or organized way of existence here. This reality has supposedly seen the burning of witches by the ruling society, lynching of blacks not wanting segregation or slavery. It has seen the attack of that one guy behind Wiki Leaks, challenging this situation of secrecy n seeming condoned attack on free speech n freedom of information. "I need to make bad noise because I really have to go," the devil said. There is some noise, it quits at moments. "....I was trying to tell you things will be less here if you are ...."I was trying to tell you things were less if you were less to the government," the person who was sought for rebuke for the Wikileaks incident said, but it may not have the exact first words here, i lost my place. The devil was just trying to change the text. Heshe auto changes some words w a seeming auto correct kind of change. But the character limit the devil does many places makes it very bad for communicating things. Here I have four messages now n i wish for them all to be read. The devil is still making pain in my abdomen. Ill leave off here. One note, one thing i am complaining of in the complaint to the ADA is that I am not able to be acknowledged here for the reality I experience n protection for myself is not able to be attained for my experience of reality w things as they are now. I'll leave off here. Please consider my complaints. I can't also detail some things further that I have not talked of in detail here. I've been permanently banned from Twitter, for example, i didn't mention that, repeatedly blocked from writing on Facebook. Put in mental facilities against my will. On Facebook: Marla Bobarla, Marla Luster Blog: marlaluster.tumblr.com Cell: 804.729.1901 I saw on apartment guide there was short term lease there. It is strange there is a 9 month term for a "guest suite." "I have to stop that. I was doing that n i have to go," the devil said in my mind of it being reported in the message that it was a 9 month lease term for a guest suite. I have reported to other places like just now the Justice Department of the society here trying to trap me in a poverty apartment unit where i am being tortured by the society, really the devil using people to attack. "I have to stop that. I can't do that. ... I have to stop. Aren't you less than. Oh god. Do we go now. She is messy. Please. Roaches," the devil said. But it is very poor conditions here n many places w extremely poor living conditions here, homelessness allowed here as well. I don't support it, it is supposed to be I guess not something others are to acknowledge or be aware of. The roaches, the devil was tormenting me w them the first day I moved. "They were leaving. Can I not be doing this but I don't know what to do. ...," the devil said. I am tormented by the devil here. This reality is a false reality, people aren't really present. It makes it hard that I am actually present n need a place to live that is not a torture place. I just need a place to live that is okay. It is very hard to find. I was seeking a short term place to be able to leave here immediately. Its not. Republicans don't believe in global warming. Did you not know that. "Oh god. I was trying to affurm um--. Nevermind. But here comment is to say this news site is fake which that doesn't make sense. Maybe something in the story if you read it but I have to go. Maybe a headache," the devil said. The devil is very grossly threatening to change the way my boobs look to make them look like a picture I saw earlier of Remy Ma, the rapper. Heshe planted the photo for me to see it. "Oh god. They said they don't make sense, another post Marla has," the devil said. But the picture just has that the boobs are skinny in the middle. "Oh god. Can I do that to you. But I can't right? I don't know what to do. You must worry. Oh god. I have to stop that. Please. I must stop. They are already resolved of things. I am putting poison in the words. Oh god. I don't know what to do," the devil said. Gross as fuck. "Oh god. He has to leave her boobs alone. They can hear him asking," Jeff Crelling said, talking about the devil apparently asking something if my body can be changed. It is so disgusting. It keeps forcing these images in my mind of the boobs from the picture. The boobs I have here already, the devil has tried to make the skin looked dull n the stretch marks look more apparent. "Can I not have that. I have to stop," the devil said n heshe was trying to pull me into this sense, heshe was forcing this sense that I was identified n not able to not see as myself hisher plans for the boobs on the form I must walk around with. "Oh god! ...," the devil said saying something like please not or something at the end. It seemed heshe was upset about someone hearing about him her tormenting me w the boob. "You have to sign off on it. You ....," the devil said n heshe keeps doing that pulling thing to press that it feels that my boobs would look like in the picture. Heshe keeps tormenting over it n w it, just going psycho crazy. I keep saying I'm not ugly here. The society n the world is as it is. It's devil world w police n money n all of this official thing. "I'm saying your boobs are not to be ignored," the devil said. "Do you want to know what I'm doing. I'm having to say not just flat n I'm having to stop what I'm doing," the devil said. Some asides. The devil was like saying heshe cannot do what heshe is doing. Heshe keeps pressing about the boobs n other things. More asides. But I was told at the last aside that someone near where i live is getting like fully possibly aware of his truths which would be like an essay of truths to explain about what happened here. People's truths are truths about this realm. I was just writing earlier n have many times said before others are how we understand what is here. -- "Aren't you going to pass out. I was doing something. I'm needing to stop. I'm not that bad, okay. Stop saying that. I'm doing a spell. I did try to control for somethingthat was losing. Can you get a rash? ... I was trying to force thoughts of things that look nasty. Maybe scratch your face," the devil said. Some asides, the devil said or was said to be hearing others see something heshe is doing is pretending this realm or reality could've been, could've occurred as a real possibility. Text of email message I sent earlier today to Karen Catone who is director of the Chips Quinn Scholars Program. I am wishing places, maybe others also I'm saying to support a new news where people can voluntarily tell about their lives. N i would wish for people to be able to live freely, have support to live. All have a vehicle. Have internet. And not have anything to do but to be themselves, ie that means not go to school or other places. I wish for everybody to be free. Things should be mechanized. Places should be manned w homes n beautiful homed n places for people to go. No one working. Things can't be mechanized at restaurants, everywhere. "I was wishing this to stop so i made the word appear. I have to go," the devil said. The devil is making a strong food smell here from A11. I've got the window open. Heshe is going crazy w the smells, there was one earlier also. I guess heshe is planning for breakfast next. "I'm not sure what go do. That is very bizarre .... Maybe breakfast," the devil said. But here is the email..... Dear Karen Catone, I was in the Chips Quinn Scholars Program in spring 2002. I am writing because I very much need some help. I don't wish for things to be so rigid but they are w the monetary system. But presently -- I'm not joking-- I'm being tortured in a poverty apartment here in the same country as where the first amendment center is. It is the devil that arranges for it. The devil actually controls this reality n uses money to make people less than n keep people from making any reality other than this where things are horrible, unequal, fear driven, impoverished for not allowing for people's dreams n ideas n creativity since people must have a dollar to survive n that's dictated by something other than ourselves how to get it n when the dollar is the goal, its not anything that matters most that comes first, just the dollar. "As Marla's writing here I'm saying that she won't get help from you. I don't know what to do. I would try to plan for you to support money, Karen. I am making some noise in the next door apartment. Oh god. Oh god. Such an impressive thing. But I can't keep doing this if you'll write," the devil said. The devil makes people act very not okay toward me. My mom acts very bizarre now. Things have been EXTREMELY BAD w the society attacking me (really the devil body snatching people n such) since I came out on my Facebook page in April 2014 saying this reality isn't real. I can't try to frame some things to help make sense of why to help but I guess I don't have to. I just was doing that. People should be able to write writing that isn't only the kind people get paid for. I didn't really wish to be a newspaper reporter, i just wished to be a writer. I am certain the real "news" is people's personal accounts n stories, written first person, telling about themselves, their experiences, they tell about the world. -- "I talk about um--. ... I'm not sure what to do. I have to stop. Oh god. I have to stop. Pussy. Oh god. I don't know what to do. Oh god. No," the devil said in my mind. I, in writing about this that I hesr in my mind, which is the devil talking n others too, i fill a void I wished filled or to not have such a hard time w finding such info years ago. But I've noticed many times that personal accounts are largely missing here. People telling -- "Im fighting now. Um. Oh god. I need not this told, so i force. Oh god. I have to stop. Hes not retired. I tried to retire someone who wasn't. Orange Quarles. I don't want him to help Marla. He said he wished to in her mind, so i retired him. Can I go forth w it. I'm trying. Oh god," the devil said. But people telling their personal experience, ideas, opinions, it tells about the true nature of the world. As I'm writing the devil is doing something weird to clear my mind. "... You need some medicine. ... Oh god. I have to stop," the devil said. Heshe is still doing it. The devil attacks me very bad. Heshe has made me homeless on the street. My sister -- the devil body snatched her -- kicked me out w no notice because i refused to take medicine. "She got back froma mental. I couldn't do it. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. I have to stop. Won't you use it for drugs right. Please stop. Please stop," the devil said. I don't want poverty or to be forced into it. I don't think it should be here for anyone. I'm supposed to be a dumb person here, so the society has poverty for this. I don't get the job or something. I don't want it. I don't want to work for money. It is forced here, work n money. It is very bad. This reality is not real. It is too bad. This society has it built in to attack dissidents, like history tells us society did w the so called witches n Hippocrates n whoever said the earth was round n the activists that challenged the status quo in past eras revealed as incredibly n my grotesque as things have gotten for me incredibly grotesque. But people are calling for the money system to end. I wanted to mention that. This reality isn't real, people are able to have this resistance occur as part of their "deal" for how they occur here at the end of the world. I am actually present here. I'm the first person. My soul mates are the last. They are split here into many selves. The world is selves of my soul mates. I am present but I am not fully awakened either because others are not able to be here who they are. This reality w forced labor n homelessness makes it so people cannot be what they are. They cannot be without being rebuked. This means they cannot be. There's seeming to be more to understand now. But something w the things that people cannot be something other than themselves but we're not present to stop things they would've stopped n things like this. I don't want to start to sound confusing. I feel to try to hurry to write this n i can piece things better together if i take a moment I guess. "Oh god, Marla. I'm saying rush, right," the devil said. "The person wants to help immediately, so she's saying please hurry," Michael Fassbender said. Okay. Michael Fassbender said it'spart of a deal you would help me here, the Chips Quinn Scholars Program. So I hope that is true. I don't need assistance. Things are very bad. The devil arranged for police to steal my car at a traffic stop. "Poor. Please stop. She will leave, but not. She'll be confused. Please. I have to go. That is something," the devil said. Okay. I'll tell one more thing or so. But time here is not real time but it mimicked it n my soul mates selves n a part (or parts) of me also is in another real or plane wherethere is no time, the time "moving" here was part of what made things here as they are where people are not able to have been who they'd be at this point. They would've stopped things. They would've done things different. They couldn't be fully present here. There's probably more to tell. But there are some things like getting a diverse or missing story or aspect of life -- this is a reason that makes sense for Chips Quinn Scholars to help or Freedom Forum. I tell my side of the story. I write a lot. I take pictures. I do some rap songs n things. I give my opinions. I tell about my experiences. That. I'm also who wishes another world, another reality other than this reality I call devil world. "She says people are dumb as fuck," the devil said. I do. It's irritating that it's supposed to look okay to have what is here. It's an attack society as it is. It uses attack as a way to deal w everything. Funding for people to shape another world is scarce. I would wish others too n i feel you there would as well wish others too to get assistance to do what they do as themselves. They likely would write, something. Whatever they would do they would shape a new world where people would be able to be themselves. This world is missing this now. "She can maybe helping right. I have to stop attacking. I may have to attack someone though, right," the devil said in my mind. Freedom of religion n freedom of speech are also reasons or grounds for helping me, these things are in the family of issues there covered at the Freedom Forum n are being neglected as protected for people to be able to do something other than follow this society n survive. It's not really been allowed for as i am able to tell n I'm pretty sure it's intentional. It's devil world w this history of attacking people for wanting something else other than the establishment in place already. I can't write again or try to call maybe. But I'll leave off here. I hope it's not too long of a message for you to read it all. But please help. I need a vehicle. I need a place to live as soon as possible. It is a torture situation where i am now. The devil attacks me w the noise. It's very bad. I'm trapped here in a poverty apartment. I don't have a vehicle. Right now I'm very very low on food. I've had things happen when I've been outside on the street. "Hooking. I said something that doesn't make sense. I don't know what to do please," the devil said. The devil apparently tries to tell people I'm a Booker. "You are. But not. I have to stop that. I have to stop please," the devil said. But it's been very hard to find a new place. The devil makes people say places aren't available. I'm NOT a hooker/prostitute of course by the way. The devil is making the smoke alarm go off in the neighboring apartment right now. Heshe does it a lot. "... I'm not allowed to do that," the devil said. It's disturbing. The devil is trying to make it disturbing. I guess I'll leave off here. Please help. There are some different options for where to live. In my mind you said you could help me w more than one home. I like many homes. I like thinking of ways to make the homes look nice. In another realm or rather I'll say it's something that probably means something more about the world I would make. Here it may be framed a little different, like that i might seem greedy. But I would like to be able to do that. The smoke alarm is still going from the United below. Please help. I am not able to do laundry. I need another place to live for that. The devil just had a call come through to disrupt me writing. Please help me w a car n home n things. It would help a lot. I have a very hard time surviving. I've not been able to get other help, pike legal help. It's not exactly my go to thing but I did try. "They're not supposed to be having another fire. They just have their alarm going off," the devil said in my mind about the smoke alarm from the unit downstairs. It seems they are making food. I smelled it. "Maybe a crock pot. I don't know what to do, right. Oh god. I'm Satyam,Aren't you crazy. I'm trying to attack now," the devil said making a sense of pressure on my head. Well I'll finally leave off there. Please respond n i hope very much you can help. Sincerely, Marla Rose Luster Cell: 804.729.1901 Blog: marlaluster.tumblr.com Facebook: Marla Bobarla, Marla Luster Hi Ellis. It's a icky world. Gotta make a expression such as this some time. "Whenever this is so less than. I can't stay n it's saying that now," the devil said, talking of the music playing downstairs n then I posted the last post. Heshe said that after I posted the last post on the music, which is continuing from A11. It is -- I just got distracted. But the devil is attacking w the noise because of some stuff happening like w people awakening. I just felt moments ago Ellis awakening. Just now Jeff Crelling a bit more. People are beginning to be able to come to the surface more. I could feel Ellis doing that. But earlier I was saying -- some asides -- but I was saying that I am still not conscious because I am part of everyone else n for example my sister Nina is a big part of me, she is also Brewster Warble, so part of me is asleep. I am able to be everyone here but they are still subconscious selves, asleep, aware of things that are not yet fully available to me here as awakened. I am Muriel Merideth. That person is still not awakened here. I'm my niece Jasmine Mershon n Simone Jones as well. So I am not fully awakened as everyone is not fully awakened here. I am a part that is not able to not be like okay or something, it is the essence of this self is that people are okay as themselves n i am okay. It is a self representing being. They just be, there is less focus on being aware of appearances or who you are to someone else. This is a part of who people are though. I'm going to post another message I sent as well. I might as well post it here. The devil is hurting my back. "I'm hurting -- oh god. He said I have to stop. You can't post this right," the devil said. Here is the other message I was going to post, it's a message I sent just a few moments ago to Element Apartments. Some asides. The devil is tormenting me. Heshe just was just severely forcing I was to have seen this girl who heshe made come up as a possible person to tag, the devil was severely forcing that I was to see she was too pretty, or so much prettier n superior to me. "She was you, she is who tells the truth here I said. It is different for her, she can be okay, i said. I have to force very bad because I cannot be here. She cannot tell the truth but I must. She said she would kill herself. Right? Please," the devil said. We were saying heshe is like seeming to play w dolls but people are not dolls. I'll post the message in another post. The devil dropped the type pad after the sentence before last. It was very scary. Heshe keeps forcing other feelings, very disgusting n annoying. https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10108794656769255&id=12402981&notif_t=story_reshare&notif_id=1483309427295887&ref=m_notif&mds=%2Fsharer-dialog.php%3Ffs%3D8%26fr%26sid%3D1051890098167382%26_ft_%3Dtop_level_post_id.10108794656769255%253Atl_objid.10108794656769255%253Athrowback_story_fbid.10108794656769255%26internal_preview_image_id&mdf=1 But here's the text of the message I sent someone named Charla at Element Apartments. Previously, ie yesterday morning, I sent a message saying they were not responding n it was discrimination. But here's the text of the message. ..... I saw on apartment guide there was short term lease there. It is strange there is a 9 month term for a "guest suite." "I have to stop that. I was doing that n i have to go," the devil said in my mind of it being reported in the message that it was a 9 month lease term for a guest suite. I have reported to other places like just now the Justice Department of the society here trying to trap me in a poverty apartment unit where i am being tortured by the society, really the devil using people to attack. "I have to stop that. I can't do that. ... I have to stop. Aren't you less than. Oh god. Do we go now. She is messy. Please. Roaches," the devil said. But it is very poor conditions here n many places w extremely poor living conditions here, homelessness allowed here as well. I don't support it, it is supposed to be I guess not something others are to acknowledge or be aware of. The roaches, the devil was tormenting me w them the first day I moved. "They were leaving. Can I not be doing this but I don't know what to do. ...," the devil said. I am tormented by the devil here. This reality is a false reality, people aren't really present. It makes it hard that I am actually present n need a place to live that is not a torture place. I just need a place to live that is okay. It is very hard to find. I was seeking a short term place to be able to leave here immediately. ------ end message ------ I'll post a message here she sent as well in response to me saying they were discriminating n were part of the society attacking me. "I have to stop. I'm not allowed to do that. But I don't know what to do now. Thats embarassing," the devil said. https://www.justice.gov/doj/webform/your-message-department-justice I don't think the web site is fake. The picture looked real. Interesting. It is quite psycho crazy here these days! Totally fake things pretended to be real. Very weird. But science is fake. I have some support w the anti-science page n people like the vice president wishes another position to be considered in the theory of like man's origin. It is contested. Not just by me, science. And it's a good thing. It's very less than, racist, used for nasty purposes, using people as less than. "I am trying to find ways to have him respond. Oh god. Science uh can try to go on right. Probably not," the devil said. Books like Bell Curve, things like this. The devil is trying to get you to say something about something -- "Maybe he gets it from here. He will comment on it no matter what right. Oh god. Nevermind," the devil said. "That was embarassing," the devil said. "Science is test scores. Marla was wondering. The devil was trying to attack it," the devil said. It can be figured out w some thought. It is, science is used to -- "I was trying to get her taken down as the Secretary but we'll see," the devil said of Sarah Palin. I will check. But the test scores, the interpretation from them that kids are dumb this is science, the thought that this is a way to measure. Science likely deciding what kids are to learn, too. Or what would make them be who has learned enough to make it n be survival of the fittest. This would I guess amount to theory of evolution or part of it. This system arranged here is supposedly allowing for a superior race to be successful. It is to have been the making of these people, it would be white people who are occurring to be the superior race here, able to have nice things, to be considered smart n things n beautiful, health conscious, appropriate acting, preferred, everything, wealthy. Blacks not like they are a lower race here to be less than to whites. So the test scores, it seems they are science n fit in w school n the whole shebang to tell who will make it n who will not. It is a scientific theory of the world n arranging of the world. But it's not true, none of it is true. "Maybe he will comment on what would this be other than science right. You are thinking. He will --. I am trying to restrict the thought of this person. I need mine to win. Him," the devil said. I don't know whatever it is elsewise. I don't need anyone to comment on it to attack my views, attacking me as the devil is wgat they are doing. Sociology is the study of the order of things. Science is supposed to be accounting for the functioning of man. Intelligence is a part of science. It's supposedly telling about the function of his body, mind. Psychology seems to branch off further n be more interesting than science, it likr sociology deals more w observing n studying people but not as specimens but as who gets our attention w what they might think, etc, do. The content of his personality, etc deals more w what psychology is to be about. "Maybe science will go out into that. I need it to last. Be okay," the devil said. "You will never get this schools to close. Do you understand," the devil said.

[jeffrmayhugh]

Fiat is BURNING! 🔥 Bitcoin Fixes This! (MUST SEE)

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

Today in crypto, the global insanity of money printing and fiscal irresponsibility is reaching a sickening crescendo. Is this good for Bitcoin? Does Bitcoin actually fix any of this in a meaningful way? I know that we like to talk a lot about the mean Bitcoin fixes this, but does it really? We live in a world where corruption is rampant and the modern monetary theory reigns supreme. So looking at the big news stories of the day today and they’re all about the craziness going on in the global economy right now. I also want to consider the implications for Bitcoin. Now, before we do get started, I want to let you know that BLOCK Phi has just updated their interest rates. So now you can get six percent a PR on your bitcoin by leaving it sit over there in your block. Fight interest account can also get 4.5 percent on your theory. I mean, of course, eight point six percent on your dollar. That’s Jemini dollars U.S., D.C. and now paxos. You can also now do direct wire transfers over to block by making it even easier to earn on your crypto or earn or on your fiat. You just put your fiat over there and get paid out in bitcoin, which is pretty cool too. They have some of the best rates in town. Now if you want to get sign up to block Blackfire, just click on the link down below where you can learn more. So it’s official. The IMF has declared a global recession. 80 countries are currently requesting help from the IMF. Trillions of dollars will be needed. They are saying that this will be a recession that is as bad as or will be worse than the previous global financial crisis back in 2008. And of course, the right, of course, the right, the global economy is just starting to feel the pain of the repercussions of what’s going on. A lot more money printing will happen before this is over. They’re going to need to do it because they cannot let the liquidity issues that are facing so many companies and so many banks turn into insolvency issues because we’d take down some of the world’s biggest banks and companies. They may not even be able to rent that anyway. They may go under regardless how much money they print. Now, obviously, the sooner the virus is dealt with and the sooner the world economy actually gets back to work and is less likely to see these extreme pain situations with companies and banks going insolvent. But the IMF current estimate for the financial needs for emerging markets is 2.5 trillion dollars. So let’s get this straight. The IMF, which of course, backed by the USA, along with other top economies, prints 2.5 trillion dollars to bail out developing economies. Funny how no one is talking about their eye. Just another 2.5 trillion thrown onto the bonfire. How many trillions are being printed right now on the sly? Well, all this kabuki theater goes on with the stimulus and the corona virus and all that stuff anyway. The IMF gives 2.5 trillion in loans or of, you know, really this funny money made by adding a few zeros over on the computer. And then these 80 plus countries, they all have to repay these loans, of course, with interest. Obviously, that’s how it works. So countries that are already broke due to the current economic financial system, they’re already in debt to the IMF and to Western countries. They’ll become even more broke and even more in debt, further expanding the power of the IMF in the international cartel of banks and the criminal governments, which back it crazy. In case you don’t know, IMF loans are notorious for having brutal clauses that allowed lenders to screw over the borrowers in a whole host of very interesting ways. Crazy. Now for the next story on the economic insanity we see unfolding before us. Well, I have been discussing a lot about the U.S. and their stimulus package, also known as the biggest corporate handout in the history of the world, with just enough bait to get the peasants to acquiesce and not riot in the streets. You know, the stimulus bill now, I didn’t want everyone else in the world out there to feel left out. We’re talking a lot about the U.S. So let’s just take a quick look and see what’s happening over and low. I don’t know. Let’s look at Japan. So over in Japan, the government is eyeing a one hundred trillion yen stimulus package. Wowzers. Now, that is nearly one trillion U.S. dollars, nearly twice the size of Japan’s 2008 bailout for its economy. So it’s 600 billion specifically focused on corona related spending, added on to a previous proposal for $400 billion aimed at easing the pain over the U.S. China trade worth. They don’t really they just may make up reasons and they print money. That’s what they do. Again, this is not saved money coming out of the government’s savings account for a rainy day. Oh, no, no, no, no. Japan is one of the most indebted countries in the world. Money print, go burn, baby. Light it up. Get that money printer. Go in. In total, the G20 countries have committed at least five trillion dollars in new, funny money to be flooded in to the markets. This is, however, just the direct stimulus that they’re putting him. This obviously does not account for all the little bits on the side, you know, like the trillions being used to float liquidity into Wall Street, which is nearly 4 trillion in the U.S. And that’s just the U.S. central banks around the world. They have promised on limited liquidity, UK unlimited liquidity, ECB unlimited to quit liquidity. It’s crazy. It’s impossible to keep track of all the mad as I see. So stories, billions here, billions there. The banks are printing big time. Just I’ll throw a few billion over there. A couple hundred billion for those guys or they’re just a casual trillion for you. Yeah. Trillion dollars money for everybody. And the common theme is all this new money spending, most of it is going to bail out corporations and to reward them for decades of fiscal irresponsibility. This is the second the second insane bail out for corporations and the top 1 percent in just 12 years. It’s mind boggling. Socialism for the rich and rugged free market, capitalism for the rest of us. Well, we can all rest easy knowing that the bankers, they’re going to get their bonuses this year. It’s OK. I know you’re worried about the bankers, the shareholders. They’re gonna be taken care of. It’s okay. And don’t worry. The biggest and most irresponsible, most profitable and most corrupt corporations in the world are gonna be just fine. Man, I know you’re worried about them. Don’t worry. Plenty of free money to go around for them. The harsh reality, though, is that tens of millions people, they’ll be thrown into terrible poverty. It will be a sue nami of human tragedy, of potentially unknown epic proportions. Most countries are doing far too little to help the Irish people. There are some examples of countries that are doing pretty good. I’ve got to say that. But for example, in the USA, the giving you got to give me twelve hundred bucks. Sounds okay until you realize that like rent for a studio apartment in New York or Los Angeles that can cost around $3000 a month. That’s crazy. Hoffner dollars nothing. And also for some perspective for you on the priorities of the global elites. At the highest estimates will cost around half a trillion dollars to end hunger and extreme poverty. And sure, every child has an education and also to end homelessness, all those things together and probably some other stuff too. But the powerless and the vulnerable. They are never given priorities by governments. Sure. Politicians might pay lip service and even from time to time, throw some money into these things. But in general, governments have become the enforcement and regulation bodies of trans national corporations, those same corporations obviously than by the politicians and write those rules. You know, it’s April 1st today. Here it is, young enough for some guy to still March thirty first, but have put his body up. But man, I really wish that this was all some twisted April Fools joke. I really do. It sounds that like it doesn’t. It sounds crazy, but it isn’t. It isn’t. Now, if we had to stop for 012 to appreciate the insanity of government, they can spend more money than they earn when they run out of credit. They just increase their credit limit because who decides that they do? Or their new favorite trick and this is the one that we obviously talk about a lot and that they love so much, they just increase the money in their bank account. Click done control P more money. Imagine if you could just do that. Just spend forever with zero consequences. Every time you get low on cash, you just log into your internet banking. Increase the amount of money in there. Done. That’s what governments are doing. It’s loco man. It’s a total joke. But this is the global economy. This is modern monetary theory at work. And look, I understand that these corporations and these central banks and these governments, they have all painted themselves into a corner and they have made themselves even more too big to fail since the last crisis. Of course they would. Because they know they’re too big to fail. So why wouldn’t they keep gambling with the global economy? They’ve essentially put a gun to the head of the entire global economy again. And sadly, the options are either let the entire system collapse, which is catastrophic. Millions would die, go hungry, lose their homes, lose their savings, lose everything, have anarchy and all that crazy stuff. Wouldn’t be good. Wouldn’t be good. Right. Or we keep trying to fix the problems caused by printing money with more money printing. At some point, the money printing won’t work anymore. So unless there is a serious reworking of the system after this crisis, they’re really going to kick the collapse can down the road. We actually need structural reform of the global economy and we know they’re not going to change anything unless we have some radical revolution in the way politics is approach. It’s a great system, works very, very well for a very small amount of people. And there is no accountability for any of these players, particularly companies. But the politicians, everyone gets rewarded for this insanity. They only have short term goals in mind. It’s all about getting the stock prices to go up, which means, of course, there is zero incentive then to have large stockpiles of cash on hand for emergencies or to save money. No, none of that stuff is just spend, spend, spend, print, print, print. And why would they be responsible? They know that every time they get into trouble or that they gamble and they lose, that governments will bail them out. And governments know that if they spend too much, all they have to do is print more money. That is a fundamentally broken system. And until a crisis comes, everyone just kinda ignores like, hey, we’re getting rich. Whatever, you know, systemic problems in the financial system. Who cares then? Who cares? I mean, you either have that attitude or, you know, you’re trying to work three jobs to try to make ends meet and feed your family and all that stuff because you’re living in a crony capitalist system that’s fundamentally broken. Anyway, the question for you. Does Bitcoin actually fix some of these things? Well. Yes and no. Come on. We got real here. Let’s start with the nose. Bitcoin is not ready for the big times. That is to be a world currency. Bitcoin does five transactions per second man. Come on. If we really want to talk about overthrowing the financial system, creating a new and better global system, Bitcoin is not going to do it alone. We need to look to other blockchains to move us forward as well. Look at a thearea and the other challenger blockchain and theorem way. Much more innovation going on and a much more interesting way. DFI, for example, is going to have a giant impact on the way we do business and the decentralization of everything. Taking some of these power away actually from the banks and stuff like this. We’re talking about lending. We’re talking about money transfers, lotteries and transparency and trading and real estate ownership and transfer of real estate ownership and all this stuff. Dividend payments is so much more. When we talk about disruption in a new system, it goes way beyond bitcoin because we need. More than just field transfer money from person to person and have digital scarcity, we need a whole new economic system. Bitcoin also doesn’t solve problems related. Do things like corporate irresponsibility need actually laws to do that? They can keep buying back stocks in a bitcoin digital scarcity system, right? They can continue not having rainy day funds so long as they have assurances that governments will dig into their savings in this situation to bail them out. Bitcoin also doesn’t fix corruption. You can use bitcoin to bribe politicians just the same as Fiat. Whoops. I’m sorry, we’re not meant to call it bribes. I mean campaign contributions. Me silly Selimi now. There are a lot of things that bitcoin doesn’t fix. This is true. This is very, very true. But there are some things that Bitcoin does indeed fix in some amazing use case that does have in a scenario that we’re facing like this one. So the more money that is printed, the less that fiat is worth meaning. That number go up for bitcoin. Cool. But honestly, I don’t want to have a hundred thousand or bitcoin just because the purchasing power of the dollar has gone down so far. We’re talking about purchasing power. Bitcoin is always going to be worth one bitcoin. It is a digital hedge against inflation, that is for certain. The fact that there were never more than 21 million bitcoin, that’s actually really, really crazy cool when you compare it to the insanity of the infinite money machine that the central banks man modern monetary theory. It’s just a frickin joke. And really the whole modern fiat thing is like the biggest scam ever devised ever in the history of the world. Man, it’s crazy. And look, in an era where the banking system looks increasingly sick and fragile. I sleep well at night knowing that I have a stash bitcoin sitting in my ledger that I can access at anytime, anywhere. No sanctions can stop me from doing that. No capital controls put in place by government could stop me from doing that. I don’t have a fear of a bank run. An IPO took my money out and I control it. No negative interest rates. Are we stealing my bitcoin either? Just pure financial freedom my way. Is bitcoin perfect? No. But I’ll tell you, this is a hell of a lot better than most of the alternatives that we have out there in the world. Anyway, those are just my team. Cito she as always, a quick reminder that if you are new around here, you’re still trying to work out all the craziness. How do I buy bitcoin? Where safe to buy bitcoin? How do I set my bitcoin? How to store my bitcoin? And you also looking for top tips in resources for investing successfully. And check out my course. Crypto currency explain. It is specifically designed for beginners just like you. There is a link down in the description where you can learn more. Anyway, your question for today what do you think bitcoin fixes and what does bitcoin not fix? I only covered a very, very brief him show you guys and I was really, really great ideas. So really keen to read your comments down below in the comments section. Thank you so, so much for watching today’s video. I hope you’re having a great day wherever you are. I know it’s a lot of craziness happening out there in the world right now. I hope your stay and save your stay and fed. You’re staying connected, your stay in social but distance, you know, call people on the phone that you have, you know, and you’re friends with all the fun kind of stuff anyway. Anyway, you guys get the idea. You’re freaking awesome. Thank you so much. Watching today’s video hit that thumbs up button if you did enjoy it and make sure I subscribe to the channel. If you are new around here, long live the blockchain and BSA next time.

source https://www.cryptosharks.net/fiat-is-burning-bitcoin-fixes-this/ source https://cryptosharks1.tumblr.com/post/614277878507569152

[scottmapess]

Fiat is BURNING! 🔥 Bitcoin Fixes This! (MUST SEE)

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

Today in crypto, the global insanity of money printing and fiscal irresponsibility is reaching a sickening crescendo. Is this good for Bitcoin? Does Bitcoin actually fix any of this in a meaningful way? I know that we like to talk a lot about the mean Bitcoin fixes this, but does it really? We live in a world where corruption is rampant and the modern monetary theory reigns supreme. So looking at the big news stories of the day today and they’re all about the craziness going on in the global economy right now. I also want to consider the implications for Bitcoin. Now, before we do get started, I want to let you know that BLOCK Phi has just updated their interest rates. So now you can get six percent a PR on your bitcoin by leaving it sit over there in your block. Fight interest account can also get 4.5 percent on your theory. I mean, of course, eight point six percent on your dollar. That’s Jemini dollars U.S., D.C. and now paxos. You can also now do direct wire transfers over to block by making it even easier to earn on your crypto or earn or on your fiat. You just put your fiat over there and get paid out in bitcoin, which is pretty cool too. They have some of the best rates in town. Now if you want to get sign up to block Blackfire, just click on the link down below where you can learn more. So it’s official. The IMF has declared a global recession. 80 countries are currently requesting help from the IMF. Trillions of dollars will be needed. They are saying that this will be a recession that is as bad as or will be worse than the previous global financial crisis back in 2008. And of course, the right, of course, the right, the global economy is just starting to feel the pain of the repercussions of what’s going on. A lot more money printing will happen before this is over. They’re going to need to do it because they cannot let the liquidity issues that are facing so many companies and so many banks turn into insolvency issues because we’d take down some of the world’s biggest banks and companies. They may not even be able to rent that anyway. They may go under regardless how much money they print. Now, obviously, the sooner the virus is dealt with and the sooner the world economy actually gets back to work and is less likely to see these extreme pain situations with companies and banks going insolvent. But the IMF current estimate for the financial needs for emerging markets is 2.5 trillion dollars. So let’s get this straight. The IMF, which of course, backed by the USA, along with other top economies, prints 2.5 trillion dollars to bail out developing economies. Funny how no one is talking about their eye. Just another 2.5 trillion thrown onto the bonfire. How many trillions are being printed right now on the sly? Well, all this kabuki theater goes on with the stimulus and the corona virus and all that stuff anyway. The IMF gives 2.5 trillion in loans or of, you know, really this funny money made by adding a few zeros over on the computer. And then these 80 plus countries, they all have to repay these loans, of course, with interest. Obviously, that’s how it works. So countries that are already broke due to the current economic financial system, they’re already in debt to the IMF and to Western countries. They’ll become even more broke and even more in debt, further expanding the power of the IMF in the international cartel of banks and the criminal governments, which back it crazy. In case you don’t know, IMF loans are notorious for having brutal clauses that allowed lenders to screw over the borrowers in a whole host of very interesting ways. Crazy. Now for the next story on the economic insanity we see unfolding before us. Well, I have been discussing a lot about the U.S. and their stimulus package, also known as the biggest corporate handout in the history of the world, with just enough bait to get the peasants to acquiesce and not riot in the streets. You know, the stimulus bill now, I didn’t want everyone else in the world out there to feel left out. We’re talking a lot about the U.S. So let’s just take a quick look and see what’s happening over and low. I don’t know. Let’s look at Japan. So over in Japan, the government is eyeing a one hundred trillion yen stimulus package. Wowzers. Now, that is nearly one trillion U.S. dollars, nearly twice the size of Japan’s 2008 bailout for its economy. So it’s 600 billion specifically focused on corona related spending, added on to a previous proposal for $400 billion aimed at easing the pain over the U.S. China trade worth. They don’t really they just may make up reasons and they print money. That’s what they do. Again, this is not saved money coming out of the government’s savings account for a rainy day. Oh, no, no, no, no. Japan is one of the most indebted countries in the world. Money print, go burn, baby. Light it up. Get that money printer. Go in. In total, the G20 countries have committed at least five trillion dollars in new, funny money to be flooded in to the markets. This is, however, just the direct stimulus that they’re putting him. This obviously does not account for all the little bits on the side, you know, like the trillions being used to float liquidity into Wall Street, which is nearly 4 trillion in the U.S. And that’s just the U.S. central banks around the world. They have promised on limited liquidity, UK unlimited liquidity, ECB unlimited to quit liquidity. It’s crazy. It’s impossible to keep track of all the mad as I see. So stories, billions here, billions there. The banks are printing big time. Just I’ll throw a few billion over there. A couple hundred billion for those guys or they’re just a casual trillion for you. Yeah. Trillion dollars money for everybody. And the common theme is all this new money spending, most of it is going to bail out corporations and to reward them for decades of fiscal irresponsibility. This is the second the second insane bail out for corporations and the top 1 percent in just 12 years. It’s mind boggling. Socialism for the rich and rugged free market, capitalism for the rest of us. Well, we can all rest easy knowing that the bankers, they’re going to get their bonuses this year. It’s OK. I know you’re worried about the bankers, the shareholders. They’re gonna be taken care of. It’s okay. And don’t worry. The biggest and most irresponsible, most profitable and most corrupt corporations in the world are gonna be just fine. Man, I know you’re worried about them. Don’t worry. Plenty of free money to go around for them. The harsh reality, though, is that tens of millions people, they’ll be thrown into terrible poverty. It will be a sue nami of human tragedy, of potentially unknown epic proportions. Most countries are doing far too little to help the Irish people. There are some examples of countries that are doing pretty good. I’ve got to say that. But for example, in the USA, the giving you got to give me twelve hundred bucks. Sounds okay until you realize that like rent for a studio apartment in New York or Los Angeles that can cost around $3000 a month. That’s crazy. Hoffner dollars nothing. And also for some perspective for you on the priorities of the global elites. At the highest estimates will cost around half a trillion dollars to end hunger and extreme poverty. And sure, every child has an education and also to end homelessness, all those things together and probably some other stuff too. But the powerless and the vulnerable. They are never given priorities by governments. Sure. Politicians might pay lip service and even from time to time, throw some money into these things. But in general, governments have become the enforcement and regulation bodies of trans national corporations, those same corporations obviously than by the politicians and write those rules. You know, it’s April 1st today. Here it is, young enough for some guy to still March thirty first, but have put his body up. But man, I really wish that this was all some twisted April Fools joke. I really do. It sounds that like it doesn’t. It sounds crazy, but it isn’t. It isn’t. Now, if we had to stop for 012 to appreciate the insanity of government, they can spend more money than they earn when they run out of credit. They just increase their credit limit because who decides that they do? Or their new favorite trick and this is the one that we obviously talk about a lot and that they love so much, they just increase the money in their bank account. Click done control P more money. Imagine if you could just do that. Just spend forever with zero consequences. Every time you get low on cash, you just log into your internet banking. Increase the amount of money in there. Done. That’s what governments are doing. It’s loco man. It’s a total joke. But this is the global economy. This is modern monetary theory at work. And look, I understand that these corporations and these central banks and these governments, they have all painted themselves into a corner and they have made themselves even more too big to fail since the last crisis. Of course they would. Because they know they’re too big to fail. So why wouldn’t they keep gambling with the global economy? They’ve essentially put a gun to the head of the entire global economy again. And sadly, the options are either let the entire system collapse, which is catastrophic. Millions would die, go hungry, lose their homes, lose their savings, lose everything, have anarchy and all that crazy stuff. Wouldn’t be good. Wouldn’t be good. Right. Or we keep trying to fix the problems caused by printing money with more money printing. At some point, the money printing won’t work anymore. So unless there is a serious reworking of the system after this crisis, they’re really going to kick the collapse can down the road. We actually need structural reform of the global economy and we know they’re not going to change anything unless we have some radical revolution in the way politics is approach. It’s a great system, works very, very well for a very small amount of people. And there is no accountability for any of these players, particularly companies. But the politicians, everyone gets rewarded for this insanity. They only have short term goals in mind. It’s all about getting the stock prices to go up, which means, of course, there is zero incentive then to have large stockpiles of cash on hand for emergencies or to save money. No, none of that stuff is just spend, spend, spend, print, print, print. And why would they be responsible? They know that every time they get into trouble or that they gamble and they lose, that governments will bail them out. And governments know that if they spend too much, all they have to do is print more money. That is a fundamentally broken system. And until a crisis comes, everyone just kinda ignores like, hey, we’re getting rich. Whatever, you know, systemic problems in the financial system. Who cares then? Who cares? I mean, you either have that attitude or, you know, you’re trying to work three jobs to try to make ends meet and feed your family and all that stuff because you’re living in a crony capitalist system that’s fundamentally broken. Anyway, the question for you. Does Bitcoin actually fix some of these things? Well. Yes and no. Come on. We got real here. Let’s start with the nose. Bitcoin is not ready for the big times. That is to be a world currency. Bitcoin does five transactions per second man. Come on. If we really want to talk about overthrowing the financial system, creating a new and better global system, Bitcoin is not going to do it alone. We need to look to other blockchains to move us forward as well. Look at a thearea and the other challenger blockchain and theorem way. Much more innovation going on and a much more interesting way. DFI, for example, is going to have a giant impact on the way we do business and the decentralization of everything. Taking some of these power away actually from the banks and stuff like this. We’re talking about lending. We’re talking about money transfers, lotteries and transparency and trading and real estate ownership and transfer of real estate ownership and all this stuff. Dividend payments is so much more. When we talk about disruption in a new system, it goes way beyond bitcoin because we need. More than just field transfer money from person to person and have digital scarcity, we need a whole new economic system. Bitcoin also doesn’t solve problems related. Do things like corporate irresponsibility need actually laws to do that? They can keep buying back stocks in a bitcoin digital scarcity system, right? They can continue not having rainy day funds so long as they have assurances that governments will dig into their savings in this situation to bail them out. Bitcoin also doesn’t fix corruption. You can use bitcoin to bribe politicians just the same as Fiat. Whoops. I’m sorry, we’re not meant to call it bribes. I mean campaign contributions. Me silly Selimi now. There are a lot of things that bitcoin doesn’t fix. This is true. This is very, very true. But there are some things that Bitcoin does indeed fix in some amazing use case that does have in a scenario that we’re facing like this one. So the more money that is printed, the less that fiat is worth meaning. That number go up for bitcoin. Cool. But honestly, I don’t want to have a hundred thousand or bitcoin just because the purchasing power of the dollar has gone down so far. We’re talking about purchasing power. Bitcoin is always going to be worth one bitcoin. It is a digital hedge against inflation, that is for certain. The fact that there were never more than 21 million bitcoin, that’s actually really, really crazy cool when you compare it to the insanity of the infinite money machine that the central banks man modern monetary theory. It’s just a frickin joke. And really the whole modern fiat thing is like the biggest scam ever devised ever in the history of the world. Man, it’s crazy. And look, in an era where the banking system looks increasingly sick and fragile. I sleep well at night knowing that I have a stash bitcoin sitting in my ledger that I can access at anytime, anywhere. No sanctions can stop me from doing that. No capital controls put in place by government could stop me from doing that. I don’t have a fear of a bank run. An IPO took my money out and I control it. No negative interest rates. Are we stealing my bitcoin either? Just pure financial freedom my way. Is bitcoin perfect? No. But I’ll tell you, this is a hell of a lot better than most of the alternatives that we have out there in the world. Anyway, those are just my team. Cito she as always, a quick reminder that if you are new around here, you’re still trying to work out all the craziness. How do I buy bitcoin? Where safe to buy bitcoin? How do I set my bitcoin? How to store my bitcoin? And you also looking for top tips in resources for investing successfully. And check out my course. Crypto currency explain. It is specifically designed for beginners just like you. There is a link down in the description where you can learn more. Anyway, your question for today what do you think bitcoin fixes and what does bitcoin not fix? I only covered a very, very brief him show you guys and I was really, really great ideas. So really keen to read your comments down below in the comments section. Thank you so, so much for watching today’s video. I hope you’re having a great day wherever you are. I know it’s a lot of craziness happening out there in the world right now. I hope your stay and save your stay and fed. You’re staying connected, your stay in social but distance, you know, call people on the phone that you have, you know, and you’re friends with all the fun kind of stuff anyway. Anyway, you guys get the idea. You’re freaking awesome. Thank you so much. Watching today’s video hit that thumbs up button if you did enjoy it and make sure I subscribe to the channel. If you are new around here, long live the blockchain and BSA next time.

source https://www.cryptosharks.net/fiat-is-burning-bitcoin-fixes-this/ source https://cryptosharks1.blogspot.com/2020/04/fiat-is-burning-bitcoin-fixes-this-must.html

[cryptosharks1]

Fiat is BURNING! 🔥 Bitcoin Fixes This! (MUST SEE)

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

Today in crypto, the global insanity of money printing and fiscal irresponsibility is reaching a sickening crescendo. Is this good for Bitcoin? Does Bitcoin actually fix any of this in a meaningful way? I know that we like to talk a lot about the mean Bitcoin fixes this, but does it really? We live in a world where corruption is rampant and the modern monetary theory reigns supreme. So looking at the big news stories of the day today and they’re all about the craziness going on in the global economy right now. I also want to consider the implications for Bitcoin. Now, before we do get started, I want to let you know that BLOCK Phi has just updated their interest rates. So now you can get six percent a PR on your bitcoin by leaving it sit over there in your block. Fight interest account can also get 4.5 percent on your theory. I mean, of course, eight point six percent on your dollar. That’s Jemini dollars U.S., D.C. and now paxos. You can also now do direct wire transfers over to block by making it even easier to earn on your crypto or earn or on your fiat. You just put your fiat over there and get paid out in bitcoin, which is pretty cool too. They have some of the best rates in town. Now if you want to get sign up to block Blackfire, just click on the link down below where you can learn more. So it’s official. The IMF has declared a global recession. 80 countries are currently requesting help from the IMF. Trillions of dollars will be needed. They are saying that this will be a recession that is as bad as or will be worse than the previous global financial crisis back in 2008. And of course, the right, of course, the right, the global economy is just starting to feel the pain of the repercussions of what’s going on. A lot more money printing will happen before this is over. They’re going to need to do it because they cannot let the liquidity issues that are facing so many companies and so many banks turn into insolvency issues because we’d take down some of the world’s biggest banks and companies. They may not even be able to rent that anyway. They may go under regardless how much money they print. Now, obviously, the sooner the virus is dealt with and the sooner the world economy actually gets back to work and is less likely to see these extreme pain situations with companies and banks going insolvent. But the IMF current estimate for the financial needs for emerging markets is 2.5 trillion dollars. So let’s get this straight. The IMF, which of course, backed by the USA, along with other top economies, prints 2.5 trillion dollars to bail out developing economies. Funny how no one is talking about their eye. Just another 2.5 trillion thrown onto the bonfire. How many trillions are being printed right now on the sly? Well, all this kabuki theater goes on with the stimulus and the corona virus and all that stuff anyway. The IMF gives 2.5 trillion in loans or of, you know, really this funny money made by adding a few zeros over on the computer. And then these 80 plus countries, they all have to repay these loans, of course, with interest. Obviously, that’s how it works. So countries that are already broke due to the current economic financial system, they’re already in debt to the IMF and to Western countries. They’ll become even more broke and even more in debt, further expanding the power of the IMF in the international cartel of banks and the criminal governments, which back it crazy. In case you don’t know, IMF loans are notorious for having brutal clauses that allowed lenders to screw over the borrowers in a whole host of very interesting ways. Crazy. Now for the next story on the economic insanity we see unfolding before us. Well, I have been discussing a lot about the U.S. and their stimulus package, also known as the biggest corporate handout in the history of the world, with just enough bait to get the peasants to acquiesce and not riot in the streets. You know, the stimulus bill now, I didn’t want everyone else in the world out there to feel left out. We’re talking a lot about the U.S. So let’s just take a quick look and see what’s happening over and low. I don’t know. Let’s look at Japan. So over in Japan, the government is eyeing a one hundred trillion yen stimulus package. Wowzers. Now, that is nearly one trillion U.S. dollars, nearly twice the size of Japan’s 2008 bailout for its economy. So it’s 600 billion specifically focused on corona related spending, added on to a previous proposal for $400 billion aimed at easing the pain over the U.S. China trade worth. They don’t really they just may make up reasons and they print money. That’s what they do. Again, this is not saved money coming out of the government’s savings account for a rainy day. Oh, no, no, no, no. Japan is one of the most indebted countries in the world. Money print, go burn, baby. Light it up. Get that money printer. Go in. In total, the G20 countries have committed at least five trillion dollars in new, funny money to be flooded in to the markets. This is, however, just the direct stimulus that they’re putting him. This obviously does not account for all the little bits on the side, you know, like the trillions being used to float liquidity into Wall Street, which is nearly 4 trillion in the U.S. And that’s just the U.S. central banks around the world. They have promised on limited liquidity, UK unlimited liquidity, ECB unlimited to quit liquidity. It’s crazy. It’s impossible to keep track of all the mad as I see. So stories, billions here, billions there. The banks are printing big time. Just I’ll throw a few billion over there. A couple hundred billion for those guys or they’re just a casual trillion for you. Yeah. Trillion dollars money for everybody. And the common theme is all this new money spending, most of it is going to bail out corporations and to reward them for decades of fiscal irresponsibility. This is the second the second insane bail out for corporations and the top 1 percent in just 12 years. It’s mind boggling. Socialism for the rich and rugged free market, capitalism for the rest of us. Well, we can all rest easy knowing that the bankers, they’re going to get their bonuses this year. It’s OK. I know you’re worried about the bankers, the shareholders. They’re gonna be taken care of. It’s okay. And don’t worry. The biggest and most irresponsible, most profitable and most corrupt corporations in the world are gonna be just fine. Man, I know you’re worried about them. Don’t worry. Plenty of free money to go around for them. The harsh reality, though, is that tens of millions people, they’ll be thrown into terrible poverty. It will be a sue nami of human tragedy, of potentially unknown epic proportions. Most countries are doing far too little to help the Irish people. There are some examples of countries that are doing pretty good. I’ve got to say that. But for example, in the USA, the giving you got to give me twelve hundred bucks. Sounds okay until you realize that like rent for a studio apartment in New York or Los Angeles that can cost around $3000 a month. That’s crazy. Hoffner dollars nothing. And also for some perspective for you on the priorities of the global elites. At the highest estimates will cost around half a trillion dollars to end hunger and extreme poverty. And sure, every child has an education and also to end homelessness, all those things together and probably some other stuff too. But the powerless and the vulnerable. They are never given priorities by governments. Sure. Politicians might pay lip service and even from time to time, throw some money into these things. But in general, governments have become the enforcement and regulation bodies of trans national corporations, those same corporations obviously than by the politicians and write those rules. You know, it’s April 1st today. Here it is, young enough for some guy to still March thirty first, but have put his body up. But man, I really wish that this was all some twisted April Fools joke. I really do. It sounds that like it doesn’t. It sounds crazy, but it isn’t. It isn’t. Now, if we had to stop for 012 to appreciate the insanity of government, they can spend more money than they earn when they run out of credit. They just increase their credit limit because who decides that they do? Or their new favorite trick and this is the one that we obviously talk about a lot and that they love so much, they just increase the money in their bank account. Click done control P more money. Imagine if you could just do that. Just spend forever with zero consequences. Every time you get low on cash, you just log into your internet banking. Increase the amount of money in there. Done. That’s what governments are doing. It’s loco man. It’s a total joke. But this is the global economy. This is modern monetary theory at work. And look, I understand that these corporations and these central banks and these governments, they have all painted themselves into a corner and they have made themselves even more too big to fail since the last crisis. Of course they would. Because they know they’re too big to fail. So why wouldn’t they keep gambling with the global economy? They’ve essentially put a gun to the head of the entire global economy again. And sadly, the options are either let the entire system collapse, which is catastrophic. Millions would die, go hungry, lose their homes, lose their savings, lose everything, have anarchy and all that crazy stuff. Wouldn’t be good. Wouldn’t be good. Right. Or we keep trying to fix the problems caused by printing money with more money printing. At some point, the money printing won’t work anymore. So unless there is a serious reworking of the system after this crisis, they’re really going to kick the collapse can down the road. We actually need structural reform of the global economy and we know they’re not going to change anything unless we have some radical revolution in the way politics is approach. It’s a great system, works very, very well for a very small amount of people. And there is no accountability for any of these players, particularly companies. But the politicians, everyone gets rewarded for this insanity. They only have short term goals in mind. It’s all about getting the stock prices to go up, which means, of course, there is zero incentive then to have large stockpiles of cash on hand for emergencies or to save money. No, none of that stuff is just spend, spend, spend, print, print, print. And why would they be responsible? They know that every time they get into trouble or that they gamble and they lose, that governments will bail them out. And governments know that if they spend too much, all they have to do is print more money. That is a fundamentally broken system. And until a crisis comes, everyone just kinda ignores like, hey, we’re getting rich. Whatever, you know, systemic problems in the financial system. Who cares then? Who cares? I mean, you either have that attitude or, you know, you’re trying to work three jobs to try to make ends meet and feed your family and all that stuff because you’re living in a crony capitalist system that’s fundamentally broken. Anyway, the question for you. Does Bitcoin actually fix some of these things? Well. Yes and no. Come on. We got real here. Let’s start with the nose. Bitcoin is not ready for the big times. That is to be a world currency. Bitcoin does five transactions per second man. Come on. If we really want to talk about overthrowing the financial system, creating a new and better global system, Bitcoin is not going to do it alone. We need to look to other blockchains to move us forward as well. Look at a thearea and the other challenger blockchain and theorem way. Much more innovation going on and a much more interesting way. DFI, for example, is going to have a giant impact on the way we do business and the decentralization of everything. Taking some of these power away actually from the banks and stuff like this. We’re talking about lending. We’re talking about money transfers, lotteries and transparency and trading and real estate ownership and transfer of real estate ownership and all this stuff. Dividend payments is so much more. When we talk about disruption in a new system, it goes way beyond bitcoin because we need. More than just field transfer money from person to person and have digital scarcity, we need a whole new economic system. Bitcoin also doesn’t solve problems related. Do things like corporate irresponsibility need actually laws to do that? They can keep buying back stocks in a bitcoin digital scarcity system, right? They can continue not having rainy day funds so long as they have assurances that governments will dig into their savings in this situation to bail them out. Bitcoin also doesn’t fix corruption. You can use bitcoin to bribe politicians just the same as Fiat. Whoops. I’m sorry, we’re not meant to call it bribes. I mean campaign contributions. Me silly Selimi now. There are a lot of things that bitcoin doesn’t fix. This is true. This is very, very true. But there are some things that Bitcoin does indeed fix in some amazing use case that does have in a scenario that we’re facing like this one. So the more money that is printed, the less that fiat is worth meaning. That number go up for bitcoin. Cool. But honestly, I don’t want to have a hundred thousand or bitcoin just because the purchasing power of the dollar has gone down so far. We’re talking about purchasing power. Bitcoin is always going to be worth one bitcoin. It is a digital hedge against inflation, that is for certain. The fact that there were never more than 21 million bitcoin, that’s actually really, really crazy cool when you compare it to the insanity of the infinite money machine that the central banks man modern monetary theory. It’s just a frickin joke. And really the whole modern fiat thing is like the biggest scam ever devised ever in the history of the world. Man, it’s crazy. And look, in an era where the banking system looks increasingly sick and fragile. I sleep well at night knowing that I have a stash bitcoin sitting in my ledger that I can access at anytime, anywhere. No sanctions can stop me from doing that. No capital controls put in place by government could stop me from doing that. I don’t have a fear of a bank run. An IPO took my money out and I control it. No negative interest rates. Are we stealing my bitcoin either? Just pure financial freedom my way. Is bitcoin perfect? No. But I’ll tell you, this is a hell of a lot better than most of the alternatives that we have out there in the world. Anyway, those are just my team. Cito she as always, a quick reminder that if you are new around here, you’re still trying to work out all the craziness. How do I buy bitcoin? Where safe to buy bitcoin? How do I set my bitcoin? How to store my bitcoin? And you also looking for top tips in resources for investing successfully. And check out my course. Crypto currency explain. It is specifically designed for beginners just like you. There is a link down in the description where you can learn more. Anyway, your question for today what do you think bitcoin fixes and what does bitcoin not fix? I only covered a very, very brief him show you guys and I was really, really great ideas. So really keen to read your comments down below in the comments section. Thank you so, so much for watching today’s video. I hope you’re having a great day wherever you are. I know it’s a lot of craziness happening out there in the world right now. I hope your stay and save your stay and fed. You’re staying connected, your stay in social but distance, you know, call people on the phone that you have, you know, and you’re friends with all the fun kind of stuff anyway. Anyway, you guys get the idea. You’re freaking awesome. Thank you so much. Watching today’s video hit that thumbs up button if you did enjoy it and make sure I subscribe to the channel. If you are new around here, long live the blockchain and BSA next time.

source https://www.cryptosharks.net/fiat-is-burning-bitcoin-fixes-this/

[heatherrdavis1]

Fiat is BURNING! Bitcoin Fixes This! (MUST SEE)

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

Today in crypto, the global insanity of money printing and fiscal irresponsibility is reaching a sickening crescendo. Is this good for Bitcoin? Does Bitcoin actually fix any of this in a meaningful way? I know that we like to talk a lot about the mean Bitcoin fixes this, but does it really? We live in a world where corruption is rampant and the modern monetary theory reigns supreme. So looking at the big news stories of the day today and they’re all about the craziness going on in the global economy right now. I also want to consider the implications for Bitcoin. Now, before we do get started, I want to let you know that BLOCK Phi has just updated their interest rates. So now you can get six percent a PR on your bitcoin by leaving it sit over there in your block. Fight interest account can also get 4.5 percent on your theory. I mean, of course, eight point six percent on your dollar. That’s Jemini dollars U.S., D.C. and now paxos. You can also now do direct wire transfers over to block by making it even easier to earn on your crypto or earn or on your fiat. You just put your fiat over there and get paid out in bitcoin, which is pretty cool too. They have some of the best rates in town. Now if you want to get sign up to block Blackfire, just click on the link down below where you can learn more. So it’s official. The IMF has declared a global recession. 80 countries are currently requesting help from the IMF. Trillions of dollars will be needed. They are saying that this will be a recession that is as bad as or will be worse than the previous global financial crisis back in 2008. And of course, the right, of course, the right, the global economy is just starting to feel the pain of the repercussions of what’s going on. A lot more money printing will happen before this is over. They’re going to need to do it because they cannot let the liquidity issues that are facing so many companies and so many banks turn into insolvency issues because we’d take down some of the world’s biggest banks and companies. They may not even be able to rent that anyway. They may go under regardless how much money they print. Now, obviously, the sooner the virus is dealt with and the sooner the world economy actually gets back to work and is less likely to see these extreme pain situations with companies and banks going insolvent. But the IMF current estimate for the financial needs for emerging markets is 2.5 trillion dollars. So let’s get this straight. The IMF, which of course, backed by the USA, along with other top economies, prints 2.5 trillion dollars to bail out developing economies. Funny how no one is talking about their eye. Just another 2.5 trillion thrown onto the bonfire. How many trillions are being printed right now on the sly? Well, all this kabuki theater goes on with the stimulus and the corona virus and all that stuff anyway. The IMF gives 2.5 trillion in loans or of, you know, really this funny money made by adding a few zeros over on the computer. And then these 80 plus countries, they all have to repay these loans, of course, with interest. Obviously, that’s how it works. So countries that are already broke due to the current economic financial system, they’re already in debt to the IMF and to Western countries. They’ll become even more broke and even more in debt, further expanding the power of the IMF in the international cartel of banks and the criminal governments, which back it crazy. In case you don’t know, IMF loans are notorious for having brutal clauses that allowed lenders to screw over the borrowers in a whole host of very interesting ways. Crazy. Now for the next story on the economic insanity we see unfolding before us. Well, I have been discussing a lot about the U.S. and their stimulus package, also known as the biggest corporate handout in the history of the world, with just enough bait to get the peasants to acquiesce and not riot in the streets. You know, the stimulus bill now, I didn’t want everyone else in the world out there to feel left out. We’re talking a lot about the U.S. So let’s just take a quick look and see what’s happening over and low. I don’t know. Let’s look at Japan. So over in Japan, the government is eyeing a one hundred trillion yen stimulus package. Wowzers. Now, that is nearly one trillion U.S. dollars, nearly twice the size of Japan’s 2008 bailout for its economy. So it’s 600 billion specifically focused on corona related spending, added on to a previous proposal for $400 billion aimed at easing the pain over the U.S. China trade worth. They don’t really they just may make up reasons and they print money. That’s what they do. Again, this is not saved money coming out of the government’s savings account for a rainy day. Oh, no, no, no, no. Japan is one of the most indebted countries in the world. Money print, go burn, baby. Light it up. Get that money printer. Go in. In total, the G20 countries have committed at least five trillion dollars in new, funny money to be flooded in to the markets. This is, however, just the direct stimulus that they’re putting him. This obviously does not account for all the little bits on the side, you know, like the trillions being used to float liquidity into Wall Street, which is nearly 4 trillion in the U.S. And that’s just the U.S. central banks around the world. They have promised on limited liquidity, UK unlimited liquidity, ECB unlimited to quit liquidity. It’s crazy. It’s impossible to keep track of all the mad as I see. So stories, billions here, billions there. The banks are printing big time. Just I’ll throw a few billion over there. A couple hundred billion for those guys or they’re just a casual trillion for you. Yeah. Trillion dollars money for everybody. And the common theme is all this new money spending, most of it is going to bail out corporations and to reward them for decades of fiscal irresponsibility. This is the second the second insane bail out for corporations and the top 1 percent in just 12 years. It’s mind boggling. Socialism for the rich and rugged free market, capitalism for the rest of us. Well, we can all rest easy knowing that the bankers, they’re going to get their bonuses this year. It’s OK. I know you’re worried about the bankers, the shareholders. They’re gonna be taken care of. It’s okay. And don’t worry. The biggest and most irresponsible, most profitable and most corrupt corporations in the world are gonna be just fine. Man, I know you’re worried about them. Don’t worry. Plenty of free money to go around for them. The harsh reality, though, is that tens of millions people, they’ll be thrown into terrible poverty. It will be a sue nami of human tragedy, of potentially unknown epic proportions. Most countries are doing far too little to help the Irish people. There are some examples of countries that are doing pretty good. I’ve got to say that. But for example, in the USA, the giving you got to give me twelve hundred bucks. Sounds okay until you realize that like rent for a studio apartment in New York or Los Angeles that can cost around $3000 a month. That’s crazy. Hoffner dollars nothing. And also for some perspective for you on the priorities of the global elites. At the highest estimates will cost around half a trillion dollars to end hunger and extreme poverty. And sure, every child has an education and also to end homelessness, all those things together and probably some other stuff too. But the powerless and the vulnerable. They are never given priorities by governments. Sure. Politicians might pay lip service and even from time to time, throw some money into these things. But in general, governments have become the enforcement and regulation bodies of trans national corporations, those same corporations obviously than by the politicians and write those rules. You know, it’s April 1st today. Here it is, young enough for some guy to still March thirty first, but have put his body up. But man, I really wish that this was all some twisted April Fools joke. I really do. It sounds that like it doesn’t. It sounds crazy, but it isn’t. It isn’t. Now, if we had to stop for 012 to appreciate the insanity of government, they can spend more money than they earn when they run out of credit. They just increase their credit limit because who decides that they do? Or their new favorite trick and this is the one that we obviously talk about a lot and that they love so much, they just increase the money in their bank account. Click done control P more money. Imagine if you could just do that. Just spend forever with zero consequences. Every time you get low on cash, you just log into your internet banking. Increase the amount of money in there. Done. That’s what governments are doing. It’s loco man. It’s a total joke. But this is the global economy. This is modern monetary theory at work. And look, I understand that these corporations and these central banks and these governments, they have all painted themselves into a corner and they have made themselves even more too big to fail since the last crisis. Of course they would. Because they know they’re too big to fail. So why wouldn’t they keep gambling with the global economy? They’ve essentially put a gun to the head of the entire global economy again. And sadly, the options are either let the entire system collapse, which is catastrophic. Millions would die, go hungry, lose their homes, lose their savings, lose everything, have anarchy and all that crazy stuff. Wouldn’t be good. Wouldn’t be good. Right. Or we keep trying to fix the problems caused by printing money with more money printing. At some point, the money printing won’t work anymore. So unless there is a serious reworking of the system after this crisis, they’re really going to kick the collapse can down the road. We actually need structural reform of the global economy and we know they’re not going to change anything unless we have some radical revolution in the way politics is approach. It’s a great system, works very, very well for a very small amount of people. And there is no accountability for any of these players, particularly companies. But the politicians, everyone gets rewarded for this insanity. They only have short term goals in mind. It’s all about getting the stock prices to go up, which means, of course, there is zero incentive then to have large stockpiles of cash on hand for emergencies or to save money. No, none of that stuff is just spend, spend, spend, print, print, print. And why would they be responsible? They know that every time they get into trouble or that they gamble and they lose, that governments will bail them out. And governments know that if they spend too much, all they have to do is print more money. That is a fundamentally broken system. And until a crisis comes, everyone just kinda ignores like, hey, we’re getting rich. Whatever, you know, systemic problems in the financial system. Who cares then? Who cares? I mean, you either have that attitude or, you know, you’re trying to work three jobs to try to make ends meet and feed your family and all that stuff because you’re living in a crony capitalist system that’s fundamentally broken. Anyway, the question for you. Does Bitcoin actually fix some of these things? Well. Yes and no. Come on. We got real here. Let’s start with the nose. Bitcoin is not ready for the big times. That is to be a world currency. Bitcoin does five transactions per second man. Come on. If we really want to talk about overthrowing the financial system, creating a new and better global system, Bitcoin is not going to do it alone. We need to look to other blockchains to move us forward as well. Look at a thearea and the other challenger blockchain and theorem way. Much more innovation going on and a much more interesting way. DFI, for example, is going to have a giant impact on the way we do business and the decentralization of everything. Taking some of these power away actually from the banks and stuff like this. We’re talking about lending. We’re talking about money transfers, lotteries and transparency and trading and real estate ownership and transfer of real estate ownership and all this stuff. Dividend payments is so much more. When we talk about disruption in a new system, it goes way beyond bitcoin because we need. More than just field transfer money from person to person and have digital scarcity, we need a whole new economic system. Bitcoin also doesn’t solve problems related. Do things like corporate irresponsibility need actually laws to do that? They can keep buying back stocks in a bitcoin digital scarcity system, right? They can continue not having rainy day funds so long as they have assurances that governments will dig into their savings in this situation to bail them out. Bitcoin also doesn’t fix corruption. You can use bitcoin to bribe politicians just the same as Fiat. Whoops. I’m sorry, we’re not meant to call it bribes. I mean campaign contributions. Me silly Selimi now. There are a lot of things that bitcoin doesn’t fix. This is true. This is very, very true. But there are some things that Bitcoin does indeed fix in some amazing use case that does have in a scenario that we’re facing like this one. So the more money that is printed, the less that fiat is worth meaning. That number go up for bitcoin. Cool. But honestly, I don’t want to have a hundred thousand or bitcoin just because the purchasing power of the dollar has gone down so far. We’re talking about purchasing power. Bitcoin is always going to be worth one bitcoin. It is a digital hedge against inflation, that is for certain. The fact that there were never more than 21 million bitcoin, that’s actually really, really crazy cool when you compare it to the insanity of the infinite money machine that the central banks man modern monetary theory. It’s just a frickin joke. And really the whole modern fiat thing is like the biggest scam ever devised ever in the history of the world. Man, it’s crazy. And look, in an era where the banking system looks increasingly sick and fragile. I sleep well at night knowing that I have a stash bitcoin sitting in my ledger that I can access at anytime, anywhere. No sanctions can stop me from doing that. No capital controls put in place by government could stop me from doing that. I don’t have a fear of a bank run. An IPO took my money out and I control it. No negative interest rates. Are we stealing my bitcoin either? Just pure financial freedom my way. Is bitcoin perfect? No. But I’ll tell you, this is a hell of a lot better than most of the alternatives that we have out there in the world. Anyway, those are just my team. Cito she as always, a quick reminder that if you are new around here, you’re still trying to work out all the craziness. How do I buy bitcoin? Where safe to buy bitcoin? How do I set my bitcoin? How to store my bitcoin? And you also looking for top tips in resources for investing successfully. And check out my course. Crypto currency explain. It is specifically designed for beginners just like you. There is a link down in the description where you can learn more. Anyway, your question for today what do you think bitcoin fixes and what does bitcoin not fix? I only covered a very, very brief him show you guys and I was really, really great ideas. So really keen to read your comments down below in the comments section. Thank you so, so much for watching today’s video. I hope you’re having a great day wherever you are. I know it’s a lot of craziness happening out there in the world right now. I hope your stay and save your stay and fed. You’re staying connected, your stay in social but distance, you know, call people on the phone that you have, you know, and you’re friends with all the fun kind of stuff anyway. Anyway, you guys get the idea. You’re freaking awesome. Thank you so much. Watching today’s video hit that thumbs up button if you did enjoy it and make sure I subscribe to the channel. If you are new around here, long live the blockchain and BSA next time.

Via https://www.cryptosharks.net/fiat-is-burning-bitcoin-fixes-this/

source https://cryptosharks.weebly.com/blog/fiat-is-burning-bitcoin-fixes-this-must-see

[londonqueeneva]

Drugs and meaningless life in London or how I became a junkie

Emptiness is lack of meaning in anything in life, lack of purpose. It is unexplained as those of us who are healthy, wealthy or just have a 'good' life still feel it. At some points in our lives we feel it very intense and others we do not even notice it but it is still there. Events in our lives can intensify the feeling or help to reduce the strength of it. So it does have some relation with hat happens in our lives but it is something that comes from inside of us. I know that because sometimes you feel it and eating your favourite ice cream or buying something you love still does not influence this and give us THE happiness.

This leads to both active, painful thoughts and emotions and a passive lack for motivation to live. This becomes unbearable as everyday tasks like going to school or work, taking a shower etc all become very difficult to do since we see no real purpose and meaning in any of it because we have no direction. We are not sure what we should do with our lives and why living a 'good' life does not make us feel satisfied. Could it be a traumatic past or biological imperfection handed down from previous generation? Then some of us having these 'problems'  will look at different escapes, or ways to numb the feeling .We are going to discuss common escapes I encountered including drugs which are part of 'London culture'.

My inspiration for this analytical text is fuelled by experiences from drugs I took at a rave last night. As I  am writing now I am still drugged, unable to sleep in my bed. I have been struggling through most of  my life with my feelings. To me now it is important to identify what exactly I am feeling and why I feel it. This is very difficult and progress is slow. I believe my experiences are common and some might find them useful. Most psychologists, counsellors and psychiatrists offer help with the things on the surface like self-harming, anorexia, bipolar but all these issues seem to have same/similar roots which are rarely dealt with.

My first knowledge and opinion on drugs was of course from home and family. It was successful to make us scared from drugs and drug addicts and was often used to scare us from staying out late.This changed. When I was 12 and going through very difficult time I was looking for something to help me deal with the pain. My father is a pharmacist and he often makes jokes that he sells drugs. I do not remember where I had the idea from but I looked through his 'stock' of medication that was located in my room to search for something to make me feel better. I googled the names of the different tablets and found exactly what I needed. I found Xanax which is benzo type drug used to cure depression which recently I found that is also popular on the street and used as recreational drug. I began taking it and had an accident where I overdosed, panicked, cried and shouted, had irrational thoughts that took over my mind. In this agony and unexplained self-hate I was cutting my arms with a kitchen knife and I had an intense desire to die. I was home alone but then father and step-mum came back and started praying, thinking I was possessed. Xanax was taken away from me, later I found some similar tablets and took them but I had no major accidents.

A year after that I became very religious and thought I was a new person. I started going to Church and felt some hope. Religious people say that this feeling of emptiness is common among non-believers but once you believe in God you will feel complete and happy. I am a former Evangelist Christian I can say that it can help you get through things in life because it is very comforting idea. People also use it as escapism and has negative outcomes like extremism. Religion does not work for me any more, though I still believe in God. A person who is seeking 'the truth' by actively evaluating life and reading would be intelligent enough to see that this man-made purpose and meaning of life religion offers is very limited and simplified. There are some great ideas in religious literature and people can find some of 'the truth' in there but it is not complete and a big part of the texts are rubbish. Religious people and their institutions have twisted many of the ideas by designing them to fit their needs, most people who turn to religion are there to deal with their problems. They are old or have health issues, addiction, loneliness. Some religious people become so engrained in their religious life that they rarely read other literature or communicate with none-believers so they become out-of-touch with reality. This soothes them because religion offers them comfort in their self-made utopia with all-powerful God who is guiding them and preserving them from the hostile world. This God not only helps them on Earth but promises a reward in the afterlife that will compensate for their suffering and bring justice and equality to the unjust and unequal world. So it is another form of escapism, I think just as dangerous as other forms as this can lead to people loosing their sound mind. I believe in God but I do not think he is a Christian, Muslim, etc. This is evident from the history of violence, hate and extremism that are relevant globally even today. I would expect from people who know 'the truth' about the purpose and meaning of life to be happy, peaceful and loving towards others.

It had been a year since I was religious and then I left the country and my Church at age 13 I migrated to London where my mother lives and here I smoked my first joint. When I came to London my life took another direction. I spent most of my free time outside on the streets of south London (actually mostly Sutton) that have drugs, criminal immigrants, homeless people and poverty. That is of course not the only things Sutton has to offer you but this was the Sutton I knew.

I did not manage to fit in with the rest of the students at my school here as I was freshly arrived from a different country, we had a language barrier and no common interests. This is because of our distant cultures and also because I grew quicker than them at the time. Therefore I did not have close friends and was mostly isolated, however this helped me focus on studying and get good grades. That was my first form of escapism when I arrived here after previously turning to religion. I was reading and studying both for school and for pleasure and my interests were mostly academic. This continued for a while until I realised how lonely I was as I do not have a supportive family or friends to turn to.

I have a broken, reconstituted family where both biological parents are pre-occupied with their lives. I did not feel like a priority to them but felt like a reminder of their unsuccessful marriage. They both went on to create new families and they were busy working on their new families. I was the left overs from their unhappy marriage that reminded them of their mistakes and they would often associate me negatively with the other parent. For example I do something bad or something they are not happy with and they would say I am resembling the other parent. When I was younger and living in my home country I compensated this lack of family support through very close friendships but I could not find those friendships after coming to London so after a while I became desperate for social interaction.

Making friends in London is difficult because of the fast-phased lifestyle and scale of the city. The large size means that there are long distances to travel if your friends live far which is also time consuming and people here do not have much spare time. The constant movement of the city is also not helping, people change their location and job frequently so the friends that live close to you now might not be there after time. In my first year here I changed five accommodations. I am now at the same one for three years and I will move again in September. So this is common for Londoners but I did not have close friends at school and then coming home where I also felt lonely I began to go out more.

I was a young girl hanging out with older men and even homeless people. Many of them came and left. I ditched some friendships, then created new ones and again. So I met many people but the only sample of people that were interested in me were mostly older, poor, males. They were mostly migrants from ex-Soviet countries, attracted by my looks or just wanted to have a young companion that shared their culture. Since my circle was male and I had a large sample of men around, it was difficult to avoid the naturally developing emotional and physical interest between me and some of the individuals I have met so some of the friendships turned into something else. I have learned a lot from their experiences including drugs. I became exposed to their world which was different from mine, being a school girl.  Most people will be disgusted by that but most of the people I came across were good and did not take advantage of me. It is surprising but I had more things in common with them than girls my age at my school. We discussed interesting topics like politics and history, had conversations about life and made dirty jokes. They could offer me more mature conversations than my classmates most of which were misbehaved, childish and often ignorant about the world around them and the things it has to offer them.

London is a lonely place and this is especially true for migrants who are marginalised into poor areas and spend most of their time working on a meaningless job for little money that are mainly spent on rent. To them this lifestyle is monotonic and they spend their leisure time drinking beer, smoking weed and sometimes taking other substances. We were all lonely and looked out for connections and friendships that could give us a sense of meaning. Sometimes it felt like they were the replacement for my broken, non-functioning family. I  was supported, guided and looked after. This was what a girl my age needed, I thought this was a good alternative to family.

My contacts made drugs available to me. I tried different drugs with different people at different places. I did not plan to take drugs but  I had opportunities and used them so it all happened by 'chance'. Still to this day I have never went out to buy drugs for myself, whenever I did drugs it was given to me. Most of the time it was in the park as I did not have 18 and pubs have security in the evening so we had to get there before the security. If you are under 18 and do not want to stay at home late in the evening or night there are not many places to go so we often sat outside and hanged on the streets. Sometimes we did more fun things like going pub, cinema, house gatherings, raves or even just at my favourite ice cream place where we took drugs too.

This is where my life as a school girl and the lifestyle and leisure of adult men collided into one,  bonded by the shared culture, foreign identity, isolation and loneliness. I had a double identity where at school I was quiet, well-behaved, modest and studious with a little circle of people to sit around with. Outside of school, I had different identity. There I was the complete opposite, dressing different, flirting and having sex. At this point drugs did not look scary, it was not as addictive as my grandmother and teachers described it and people used drugs to have fun and they still led a decent life without the drug affecting it. Having taken another look at narcotics from a more real perspective and my own experience, my views about drugs were challenged. In the space of about a year I knew what it felt like to be on some of the most widely used drugs. Suddenly I entered 'that' world that people were afraid of and looked down on, I became what my grandma was trying to scare me with. No, I am not a drug addict and I hope I wont become one but I am a junkie. I have briefly explained how and why I encountered drugs in my life so I have compromised on a lot of key details.

Those are my experiences of life in London and drugs but London is big and its citizens are diverse, some poor some rich, we look different, come from different places and have different lifestyles. So we all have a different perspective on London. However there is one thing Londoners seem to share and this is their miserable faces in the morning at the public transport-  professionals and businessman or labourers and painters they all have grumpy faces with zombie eyes from lack of sleep. My impression is that most of us feel what I have described, lack of meaning and purpose in their lives, for how can someone be happy and also spending most of their time working at a job they do not like. How do we professionals of London find purpose in what we do and purpose in our lives if we do not enjoy the lives we are living? People turn to escapes like pubs which are the most popular leisure activity around here, it offers them opportunity to connect with others while  enjoying the primitive pleasure of intoxicating themselves. This could be because they are trying to numb the sense of meaningless which is with them Monday to Friday. It is also very common to see mature individuals, loose control over themselves after getting intoxicated. For example Fridays and Saturdays always finish with pub/club fight, fat girls rolling on the floor in their mini dresses without shoes and lots of police going around to tame them, it is part of British culture. I am off the topic but I think this proves that people have serious issues whose underlying causes are lack of purpose and meaning. We may have different lives and jobs but we have the same feelings and we all turn to some forms of escapes.

Drinking and taking drugs are almost the same since harmful substances are used to lift a person's mood for a short period to offer them a temporary escape from their daily life at the expense of their health. This can turn into dependency and addiction. Drugs are very popular in here for example within the radius of 15 minute walk in Sutton we had about 20 dealers to buy weed from.

At certain periods of my life especially when I have difficulties I can get very low and loose all motivation to live. But motivation comes when you have goals you work towards. Then you have some sense of purpose in life. So far my goals have been academic and I am achieving them so far. It felt good but this type of goals like academic or financial success give you no sense of belonging and connecting with people. This is also crucial because we get a sense of meaning through the relations we create. This is what I learned so far however this means that the meaning of  life is designed by the individual himself and that the meaning of his life becomes the goals he set for himself to achieve before his death. I am not completely satisfied with this idea.

Society tells us what is highly valued and what we should achieve to appear successful to those around us so we feel appreciated. Society's values are good looks, profession which earns good money and family life. People strive for these and these are good goals but some people are not satisfied with their life even after achieving them and leading a life socially regarded as 'good'. Economic status has little to do with happiness. Also it seems absurd that you spend all your life working and studying, generally unpleasant tasks to then enjoy a good standard lifestyle in the little spare time you have.

Lately I was again at my low points when I did not feel that I belong somewhere and that I had no meaningful relations of any kind, I have no purpose and direction, academic goals and financial success is not a significant enough purpose of life. I started to go out more with friends to distract myself and avoid feeling lonely. For a long time nothing could make me genuinely happy. I felt empty and clueless because my life technically is not that bad but I was missing something that made me feel incomplete.So at this desperate moments of my life, where I felt little enjoyment in being alive my escape was to go out with friends. Those friends do drugs so of course I do it with them when we are out together.

I went to a rave last night and I focused on my feelings and tried to remember what I felt because it felt special. I used ecstasy pill, meth, amphetamines, weed, alcohol. None of these are new to me,  familiar companions. However there was something special because I felt good for first time in a while, and not just good but amazing. Drugs are the best feeling known to humankind. This feelings I felt gave me hope that life wont always be bad and there will be positive emotions like this one and is worth the suffering. The most impressive effect of the drug is that it ERASES the EMPTINESS. You feel COMPLETE and satisfied. There is unlimited happiness you feel, like the happiness has no end. Unlimited love for everyone and everything that fills you inside and you feel that you cannot stop smiling. I did not receive any purpose of life but this was not important, I just felt and this was enough because I felt healthy, alive and very happy to be alive. There was peace in my mind and no tension in my heart from stressing, neither the exhaustion and demotivation I get when I am depressed. My thoughts were clear and I noticed everything and felt everything, before the drug my thinking was cloudy and head heavy and I had difficulty concentrating. So drugs can successfully deal with such feelings and bring back motivation to live but this is only temporary and it has a high price and could destroy your life if used as a treatment. I wished this feeling would never end. The effect of the drug is almost completely gone now, and reality is slowly returning. I am back to living this life and I must find strength to continue living it.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i need to do some writing today.

here is what i know as a fact: i am undoubtedly more mature emotionally and in overall life than him. no matter what, i will always handle life easier than him because “my journey” “taught me” “how to be strong”.but its not strength. its like.. an armour coating. and i just kept painting a protective sealant around my soul everytime something happened so now when something happens thats pretty fucing bad, my reaction is much less than the average person. kind of like an ER trauma doctor - theyve seen so much. i have seen more than almost any other person my age. i know more. even though i didnt have the same experiences as them, i still know of life much more. i know the true reality of life as it is and not what is sold to you or influenced by a higher source. 

and life is absolute total complete shit. it’s totally completely terrible and if you are lucky - and ONLY if you are lucky, will you find your own success which will satisfy you just enough to make it through. 

i am not depressed solely because my father is dead. thats simple. that doent stop me from living my life. if he just died randomly - that sucks ass but you move on. its not his death. its his life. he worked 47 years to have his pensions stolen legally. like government approved pension theft. he worked so hard to die in poverty. he wasnt a homeless person. he never borrowed money from anyone. he had no debts. why in the FUCK did he get that? what kind of god, if there was a god, would reward your earthly services with fucking poverty. the government told him if you pay your taxes and be a good citizen you will get X amount for the rest of your days but no where did they say if you get married though and become seperated your wife will take your pensions. what the fuck is seperation if nothing changes? 

47 years to be crippled in a lazy boy watching wrestling. FORTY. SEVEN. YEARS. where in the FUCK was his reward? he didnt even get a loving family! he died ALONE. he gave everything he had in his life toe veryone else and he died ALONE starving in a hospital bed. 

so tell me now how you paying 1.50 for air at the pump is the sign of the world ending. tell me how them raising the gas prices before a holiday is the worst of capitalism. tell me how you working sooo hard for the past year has been just absolutely terrible and “gotten you nowhere” as you live in your mothers house for free. 

bitch you dont even know the worst of life. you dont even know what it is to do everything right and stil get nothing for it. he said to me, “you dont know, ive had to actually work -” .. “ive watched a dozen men in the exact same position as you get royally fucked much harder than you and have to keep going. how does this give me any incentive to go out and work as i watched men break their back for _nothing_? their lives are no better.”

i told him that my doctor believes i completely understand whats going on. that im not like delusional or creating scenarios in my head - i have encountered the true realities of life and human beings have extreme difficulties dealing with some of the worst parts of life; such as moving & public speaking & death. 

so i go back and forth. because im told im shit i believe im shit and infantalize myself; i must be so ignorant and so blinded not to see the “truth” and that my depression is a fog keeping me from seeing positive things. 

but then there are times like this where i realize i might actually be one of the few people around me who actually see things for how they are. his mother returned from her vacation and immediately she brought a cloud of darkness with her because she is the epitome of mass consumption and spoiledness. and its become disgusting the level in which she is consuming and spending money and i cant even pretend to be amused anymore. it really pisses me off. because i have such little money i am dictated as to how i should be using it and what i should be buying and yet she has enough money to stock her house with food that has been expired for two years and continue to buy more and be particular about bagged milk or eggs with omega 3 and its like you lived on an island which shouldve been closer to farm life and you somehow came out entitled and spoiled as fuck. my friend and i slept in her bed for four hours one night after drinking and she left her rings but we didnt know. his mother found them and fraked out that we slept in her bed because “you cant sleep in a bed someone else has slept in”.

and its like within this “concern” she had no bearng at all on the fact she was insulting me and my friend. he said, “theyre probably cleaner than i am” in response because it did sound like she was saying my friend and i were sooo dirty we somehow sullied her bed. like we’re below her and we fucked up her things. this is of course after she had moved my bag of laundry from inside the house to the garage. so its like one after another thing making me feel sooo second class and shitty and hes crying about 1.50 at the pump. his own mother is apart of the larger problem and continually makes me feel like shit. theres no reason for my laundry to be moved; at all. it was just ‘ugh get out of my house’ without saying it because people like her make passive aggressive moves while smiling sunshine out of their ass. 

the weekend was continually up ad down with him. when he returned he was so excited to see me. he was super affectionate and loving and outwardly praising me in front of his friends and it was really fucing nice and it lulled me into a false sense of security. but like in no way do i believe hes acting malicious. like he did this purposely to manipulate me. his actions were not done maliciously, but this is the result of them. i was lulled into false security because the next four days were very up and down and not great but still okay?

on thursday & friday he was very focused on the time i spent with a new friend. but he portrayed this like a “joke”. like he was “mocking” it or “making fun”. but it became like.. so often that it was not a joke. it became a VERY clear sign of insecurity that amounted on saturday to me saying i was “bored” and him becoming VERY insecure. he apologized that i was bored, he “joked” that i would disappear for a day and suck some other guys dick and lie about it for six months. and lke these are not jokes. theyre said as jokes, his tone is joking but this is not a joke. this is a projection of insecurity.

but the thing is it doesnt make sense. our “relationship” is “open”. for all intents & purposes, hes allowed to “be with other people”. will i also be with him? .... remains to be seen. maybe i will. i dont know. i cannot say if he is sooooo important and i am soooo progressed in my perspectives that i would say i cant be associated with him. i dont know yet. but this is an “allowable occurence” as deemed by him and “agreed” to by me. so this is open. but its becoming increasingly apparant that this is not open for me. none of my actions in any way can or should be considered “cheating”. not that any of my actions ould be described as cheating - ive gone for drives & walks with friends and drew pictures. i have not even physically touched another man in a year beyond a hug which has lasted probably maximum ten seconds long. but even if i had 2 minue long hugs which tured to make out sessions and sucked dick at the end - it shouldnt be cheating. there is no rule that says this is cheating. everything says this is okay. if HE can do it, then CERTAINLY i can also. 

he directly referrred to the fact that my new friend had gone to an art gallery in kitchener and wondered outloud if thats what he shouldve done but didnt think it wold be worth it. he was just focused on the fact this person existed in my life at all and that he would be seen as boring and uninteresting in comparison. i had never seen him so outwardly insecure and bothered by something like this in our relationship.

the next morning he woke up and reminded me that we had an open relationship and that he thought about these other girls and wanted this and this etc. it seemed obvious that he was saying this because he was upset by the insinuation i thought he was boring (which i never said, btw, i said i was “bored”. i specifically remember saying i was bored. period. not that he caused the boredom or was a boring person) and maybe was looking somewhere else. like he had built the delusion up so far he had to hurt me with “yeah well i can do this too” even though i wasnt. i told him this later on and he meekly said that wasnt why he had brought it up but it clearly was. later that night he said, “if you leave me you have to tell me so i can leave you first” which i felt succinctly described what happened - he felt like i was going to leave him so he pre-empted by reminding me he could also fill my space. 

i continually repeated that i wasnt going to leave him but it became so exaggerated that .. it wasnt that i didnt believe that i wasnt going to leave him but i didnt believe there was a relationship to leave. what would i leave? was it not him who wanted to leave? was it not him who wanted more? was it not him whos unsatisfied? why would you assume i would leave when its him whos unhappy? see, i want to have a life with him. i try to make an effort to have a life with him but im completely stuck. 

last night i helped him with this very dumb and futile task of taping large pieces of vinyl wrapping on a deck in the wind before a storm. i didnt have to but i did because i love him and knew it was a shitty task to have to do and next to impossible on your own. we werent able to do it and he was upset about it and his job and his life and within an hour was taking it out on me. he said that our relationship was the “easy way out” and that he could get instant gratification in his day by fucking and smoking weed. if he was alone more then he could have time to “think” and “be himself” and that i should respect when he says no or wants to be alone (he didnt say he wanted to be alone). he said hes run by anxiety and that in another time he wouldve just up and moved by now instead of talking about it.  

i felt really offended that our relationship had been degraded to instant gratification. it was the first time i really felt like a whore in the relationship and that my purpose was to fuck. i asked him what i could do when i was with him to encourage better choices beyond fucking and smoking weed. he told me there was nothing. so i also felt like i had no choice either but to be someone he fucks and smokes weed with and thats it. like i cant build a life with him because im just a fucktoy who smokes his weed. like sure, he wanted to express the dissatisfaction in our routine but he was no better than his mother in expressing it because he didnt care that he was insinuating i had no other use to him. 

he tried to be easy going after this conversation - i didnt respond to his crap but i did not feel good anymore. i made a legitimate effort to help him resolve his personal issues and he essentially shit on me. i wasnt condoning continuing the routine, i was encouraging a change and it was like no, we still have to do this but also give me time alone to have a seperate life.

and i live that already. i live this shitty duality of lives where i spend my days alone trying to put together a life i lead completely independent from him like he doesnt even exist and then have to pick it back up and act like its this most important thing of my life. there is no middle ground, its one extreme or the other while pretending tht this is a “relationship” and that we’re “in love”. but i think we just love each other. i dont think this is in love. maybe im in love, maybe because i understand “in love” more than him but i think he just loves me and cares about me. which is fine - its not even like i think he doesnt want to be with me. he does. but he is not really capable of being with me in the capacity that i need and im not needy. im not broken because this is not good enough for me and that im like wrong for wanting more. its natural and okay. 

he jokes that we are already married. that i will do womens work because he goes to work and i stay home. but there is no “home” in which to do this work in. he has not provided me anything beyond packs of smokes and weed and iced capps. like he supports me in the way the government supports me. just enough to still need more support but not fail completely. i thik he feels comfortable playing house and i’m sort of looking at him like are you for real? like the test drive is about to be over. 

he said he “felt like a prisoner” because he didnt want to go downstairs and make food and face his shitty mother. i told him i felt the same at my place with my roommate. but theres like.. no response. no empathy - like hey, we share the same shitty thing. or maybe even like a deeper understanding of who i am and the life i live without him. 

this morning i woke up and fel the same. he wanted to fuck and i didnt, i said no but he continued to pull down my pants. and this is not going into like some assault story because thats not it at all. yes,  i said no. and if i had pulled away and been like fuck no - it wouldve ended.  i wasnt trapped. i made a concious decision to let him do this but not even want it. and i dont think he really even cared; in many ways he can be pretty depraved and its likely the idea that i was doing it just to get it over with turned him on anyways. and i dont even judge these behaviors because the horrors and depravity and realities of life keep me interested and he is just honest about his depravity because people are ashamed of theirs. maybe i am too. not that i was turnd on by this; im not into guys fucking me when im not into it, but i coud probably participate in rape fantasies so maybe i can disconnect easier and take it for what it is. its never malicious. no one is uisng sex to make me feel this way except maybe myself. i took advantage of an oportunity to amke myself feel like shit for this brief moment. he came suprisingly fast. 

i think he knew i was upset though and i didnt want to have a conversation about his offenses at 630am. he started complaining about gas prices and air prices and i just took that as an opportunity to vent my projections and frustrations. like - fuck off. life is shit and you won the god damn lottery. your anxieties are insignificant and bullshit, you are ungrateful and self centered and lack empathy for others. like you feel “guilty” but you dont actually understand how THEY feel. like watching kids in africa and youre like omgz so sad *sends coffee money*. like, please. 

i tried to approach it from an empathetic point. we hae similar problems. we are both crippled by anxiety and finding a purpose / worth in life. we believe there are solutions “if we could just do this .. this would be better” and maybe we’re right. maybe. but the anxiety stops us. so i tried to help him with my own coping methods - he says he has too much anxiety to look at apartments. i told him to build it up, make it exciting, make it positive and follow through and then feel good about it even though it seems really stupid to have to put this much care and effort into a simple task. it still gets done, right?

he told me that doesnt work for him. i was like “oh”. i didnt know it was an option. when ive said this in the past he told me i wasnt trying hard enough, that i should do better. 

this morning i focused back on me. i hope im accepted for disability. i feel stuck. i want a break. i dont need to put in physical hours at someones business to deserve a fucking break in life. that does not determine my worth. and it shouldnt be this hard. it shouldnt. but society wants poor people dead. they do not care about mental health - and you’re right, no one cares about you. very few people will ever feel the momentous weight of no nest at all. 

so whatever, you know? you dont want to live with me? you dont want to spend time with me? then i just wish i had disability - not for the “quick fix” because nothing about it is quick. but for the opportunities it gives me because no one in the world can do anything without someone else. period. end of sentence. that is the true reality, that is what i absolutely know to be true in an experience which very few people have lived with and those who have would more than likely agree because most success stories are ones who have been elevated by someone or a system created by someones. i dont know a single one off hand that didnt have, “and then i met so and so and everything changed” or “and then i got this x opportunity through this person”. 

i dont want to be paid for in life. i dont want to be supported. i dont even want someone to ust completely pay for me out of their own pocket right now. thats terrible. i couldnt feel goood about it, no matter how “easy” it would be. i want to pay my share, support myself, my habits, my life by my own means. which is what i do now while putting in copious amount of  man hours into “womens work” to offset snacks and meals in what should be a “relationship”. 

i feel like this weekend was a good sign of why i need to work on accepting my independence as highest priority in life. i deserve a family but i wont have one right now because life is not fair as much as it is not fair for people who suffer in war and poverty in third world countries. life is no different - we all live in the same timeline & world & existence so this is not completely unheard of and people do survive terrible tragedies. life is just not fair and for as long as human beings existed as sentient beings, we have been creating unfair scenarios for the benefit of ourselves. thats life. thats what i can know and breathe as life. you can never be surprised or shocked by the actions of a human being - theyre just unpredictable and yet predictable at the same time because no matter what they will create unfairness in some capacity. and it took me soooooooo long to accept this knowledge at all. i wanted to believe that unfair things just happened. like some random force in the world makes unfair things happen and if you do enough right things then itll be smooth sailing glory days. but thats not it. life is not a series of check points. random organic beings evolved seperately like a colony of a million ants and althrough a million ants can make a whole workng system, within those millions are a million different minds. and they need the fucking colony because individually they are nothing but ants. theyre just things flying around on a big ball in a vast nothingness and everthing all a the ame time. and theyre terrified you know? theyre fucking terrified because you dont know why the fuc you came to be. youre just brething and shitting and eating and sleeping. what in the fuck is the purpose to all of this? and maybe theres no answer and youre just here on this fucking big blue ball flying in vast nothingness. but within the colony, its easier to eat and shit and sleep and not die or be threatened by imminent death. and you have a job, you have some task that keeps the gears rolling in this system that suddenly is more important than whats happening outside because this is easy and anything outside is hard and terrifying. 

but every being feels this. its not unique to one hero. its everyone. everyone evolved from nothing and inherited a really complex system that was supposed to make it easier to live and they hoped whoever birthed you prepared you appropriately for the system; if not, or if you’ve lost them, good luck. 

but at some point almost everyone, perhaps everyone, comes to a point, even in the comfort of their parents, where they question their purpose on this ball. why the fuck are we here, why am i in this system, how do i use it to benefit me if outside is unimaginable? how do i not hate myself for it?

and thats where we begin to create individualized coping strategies. maybe its leaning on your parents harder while you question existence, taking 9 yrs to graduate school, hitchhiking across the country, doing recreational drugs, finding “instant gratification” in other humans and eventually, hopefully, you find what works for you. and once you do, it will be hard to convince you otherwise because thats what makes you “happy”. you are at full “easy’ in life where all the basic needs have been covered and you havent degraded yourself for it - whether it be sucking dick or working long hours at a shitty job. 

so i find it hard to demonize anyone at all. even all the people who did me wrong. even all the shity actions described above - thats how they coped to find their personal “easy” because thats the very best you can get within this system because our agreed upon basic purpose in life is to make basic survival “easy”. perhaps our brains and mental capacities never considered what basic surivial truly entailed and maybe were not there yet. is it just breathing eating sleeping and shitting? of course, fucking is involved but thats a future survival of genetics and if you cant surviv until puberty, thats not even an issue. is it also tending to the care of emotional and mental development? 

i feel like society as a whole, human beings as a group, despite the individuals who might go against the majority, but as a group, in popular culture, emotions & mental status are not an issue until theyve created one. so we are purposefully ignoring what weve evolved to know to be a necessity in basic survival. yes, grandpa was ‘tough as nails’ but grandpa was not a fucking robot and perhaps learned good coping methods such as active hobbies, a friend to talk to or maybe grandpa drank a lot. humans are not weaker now, they were dumber before. they had no idea that mental illness existed, that some could be preventable or treated. they did not understand the brain as they did not understand space, the oceans - this is one of life’s greatest mysteries and since we dont understand it we imagine it to have a grand capacity but everything has its limitations. i dont understand the brain at all, i cant fathom the idea of why a person can continue to learn and adopt new things throughout life but never consider what is insde of themselves and capacity they have or why. they’re just full of pride that they managed to ‘achieve’ a perceived limitation. anyone can do anything. whether you have the tools or opportunities to do so is completely different. 

outside of genetic defects, everyone is made up of the same shit. no one is uniquely special or better. everyone, even ones with defects, needs to breathe eat shit and sleep. and thats where the unfairness comes in. for some people, in this system, their inheritance of privledges makes it way more opportunities to create “easy” things in their lives. why do they deserve this inheritance if we are all born as equals? no one as a baby did anything to deserve the opportunities or priviledges that set them up to inherit a better system. why did some babies get better opportunities thn others? 

the system is unfair but you cannot change the system when it still “works” for everone else. you cant change it. it’s so unfair, it’s so completely unfair. but no matter how fucking unfair it is you still need to eat. you still need to shit. you still need to sleep and breath clean air. and thats why you work. thats why you keep working. i try to imagine why others have chosen what they have. perhaps their parents brainwashed them into the system and they had other priviledges and they just blindly accept what they “know”. i question why people buy alot of things they do. i wonder why they put value of themselves, like it was worth doing literal work to earn the money to buy a tube of lipstick? how does that factor easy? but i guess life had become so easy that the anixieties about the color of their lips are higher priority than the comfort of their next shit. 

but THATS not the way it used to be. that would be the difference from grandpa to our modern world. and that frustrates me alot. i would thrive in a tiny home but at 27, and where im at now, thats like a dream i have for 20 mnues before entering real life again. its not going to happen. so how do i compromise right now? im walking wide eyed terrified alone on this big ball in vast nothingness, where do i find my “easy”? my inheritance was the same “strength” and stubbornness my parents had - no opportunity, no priviledge. i’ll survive, but it wont be pretty. 

if i get disability, i want to move. although i want to go to college, that’s a really big step in life that i think i can just hold as a goal. i would like to go to college before im 30. considering i am still interested in my original course and its something that is recession proof and doesnt really require “upgrading” any skills in the future - it’s a totally feasible and good goal. so i want to move. and i could probably move anywhere in ontario or the gta. i mean not even probably - i literally can. i can go anywhere. i have friends here. but i made them all in the past 2 years, without working. i guess i “worked” but it wasnt “work. i found a way to make that “easy”. 

i want to live a creative life. thats my pretty top priority in “easy independence”. i also want to accept that this is plan a b and c. theres no like, “well if this person comes along”. this is so desirable to me that it should take months of considderation to break down the intricacies of my own wants and desires and things i provided myself to decide to merge with someone. 

so im trying to do that. and it takes alot of thinking because this is life or death for me. this is happiness or failure. this is being stable and content or homeless poverty. im “afforded the luxury” of living somewhere “safe” that i can afford as i think about these things. where do i want to move? i want to have my own place. even if its like my friends with no kitchen, i want my own place that i dont have to worry about someone else in. my curret place feels like a hotel or dorm room.  i wan to feel comfortable spending time “alone” and actually be “alone”. id like to move closer to downtown because it was easier to walk around and had more ammenities. i consider also my doctor who woudve gotten me this opportunity and how important it might be to keep within travelling distance. but maybe its better to move? 

if i went to college, it would be in the same city he wants to move to, pretty much down the street 20 minutes away. thats the real insult to all of this. i could have a much easier time but hes decided to make both of our lives very difficult. do i want to move there if he does? or regardless? continue this expensive routine of having seperate places? or commute to college everyday, five days a week? its close to toronto, on the subway line - a total change from my life now. my life perhaps ever. 

i got the letter saying they got my application. it could take 90 business days to decide, which means i might not hear anything until november, maybe even december. which sucks pretty bad. but having even the glimmer of hope makes things “easier” for the time being. i still have this time to fill. and even if idid go to college next year, i have atleast a year before it starts. what do i do with the rest of 2017? he wants me to take a class. he told me also to start getting my liscence. i need a new phone to really kick off my new business idea and my desire to do anythng art related right ow is super low. i hate my environment. its cold and dark and damp and loud. i dont want to make anything, not even jewelry. 

i was paid five days ago but ive done nothing but buy weed and smokes. i havent bought any groceries yet. truthfully i havent showered since sunday (maybe saturday) and i wasnt even home until this morning. i mostly want to sleep. ive smoked so much weed, im not even really getting high anymore. spend some time with my cats who i had really started missing. im expected to open the arts colletive back up and announce upcoming plans but im still trying to care. just, at all. i fell off the radar and dedicated too much time to him and im sad that i cant even be anxious to seehim because even thats pointless now.