#but now it‘s not that funny anymore

[toji-my-beloved]

i’ve started to DESPISE toji slander it‘s ruining my experience with the fandom.

[siddyyyyyyyy]

Red Knight in Shining Armour (2)

Red Hood x Reader

wc: 6.1 K summary: You ask Red Hood for help from a creep and he does so. However, a funny coincidence happens; part one warnings: language, standard Gotham violence, kidnapping a/n: I originally wanted to split this into two parts, but then got lazy and just decided to keep it at that. (I also got a bit carried away)... Have fun!

You slept safely in your bed with the thoughts of Red Hood always protecting you. It may seem delusional, but you couldn‘t care less. Not everyone gets to be saved by a vigilante on a random tuesday night. And he personally drove you back home, it really makes you wonder if he does that with every civilian that needs help. Surely, he does or else it would have been all over the news by now, right?

So, going to work the next day was rather exciting. Your best friend and coworker, Evelyn, will most likely be more excited than you when she gets an earful about it. And as soon as you enter the backdoor, you start rambling off to her and she is indeed more ecstatic than you. You both start to fangirl, mostly repeating the whole situation to her as she squeals and jumps lightly on her feet, listening to your every word.

Of course that moment of excitment didn‘t last long as you had to take care of costumers, but you already told the story four times by now and every time with more details.

You really hope Red Hood will come by later for a sweet treat, having promised him that after all. However, the bakery remains to fill the regulars and other random people, the day growing more frustrating even though the usual people come in and it stays rather full.

An elder man notices you sigh out while leaning against the counter with your elbows, the man being one of the regulars.

»What‘s wrong, dear? You have been sighing all day, is there something wrong with the orders?«

There is nothing wrong with the orders at all, you just feel very sluggish now that you don‘t see your favourite red guy anymore. Since when he became your favourite? Since the moment he wrapped his arm around your shoulders… you could still feel the distinct weight of his arm, how he radiated an oddly amount of warmth against you, and how he kept you at distance from the creep. Since the moment he squeezed your shoulder in comfort.

You truly became insane over him. Just a little.

The elderly man waits for your answer, eventually receiving a simple shake of your head. There could be nothing you could say to him that he would belive you.

»Just a slow day, that‘s all. Nothing you need to worry about, sir.«

He huffs out lightly, finally getting off his chair and walks up to the counter.

»It‘s ‚Charles‘ for you. You‘ll get an extra tip today for being so pouty. Your baked stuff is amazing, don‘t beat yourself up about it.«

He lays the money for his order and a ten dollar extra bill on top of it, making you rethink of acting pouty every day now.

»Thanks, si- Charles. Have a nice day.«

You smile gratefully at him and take the money into the register, seeing him smiling back at your brighter face before he exits the shop.

----

Unfortunately for you, Red Hood didn‘t come along in the following days and your bus didn‘t drive away from you anymore. It could be really useful now, but it seems like the bus driver really despises you. Obviously it‘s good you don‘t need to walk home anymore and can safely drive by the bus, but you also miss getting saved.

A week went by after the miracolous saving, and you‘re still hanging on by the last thread of hope that he will eventually come by. But no, no signs of him all around and it‘s closing shift anyway. Your best friend left a while ago and you are always in charge of closing the bakery, doing the same tonight as every other night.

A big crash startles you, making you jump out of your skin, and before you can realise what‘s happening, you can only make out two large people fighting violently on the floor of the bakery. You quickly run into the kitchen to hide, feeling the sudden rush of adrenaline come over you and how unsteady your breathing becomes. You cower in a far corner, holding a big kitchen knife in hand and trembling in your curled up position.

You can hear loud thuds and some sickening cracks of something getting broken, them most likely moving around as you hear glass shatters move around the wooden floor. At every grunt and scream you flinch, flinching even harder once you hear a gun go off. Wait, someone‘s shooting? In your bakery? Your heartbeat quickens even more to the point of a near damn heart attack state, but you can‘t seem to move out of your spot. After some more triggers being put off, the fight seems to come to an end. But it seems the silence is even more terrifying.

After what seemed like hours, some police siren‘s went off and are on their way to your location. With uncertain and shaky steps, you dare to peek outside of the kitchen door and try to make out what happened. Looking though the kitchen counter seems to be difficult, and you hesitantly make your way to the counter to examine the scene some more.

Watching, you notice a big brooding shadow with white slits stand at the entrance… or what used to be an entrance, before someone decided to have a fight in your bakery. The speculations didn‘t last long as you notice another brooding figure in the very dimly lit room. You quickly recognize it as no other than Red Hood, the same man that saved you just a week ago. This is the perfect time to actually give him a treat, the worries of the current situation thrown away.

Quickly grabbing a big chocolate cookie from the leftovers, you don‘t hesitate to skip to the red helmet wearing mass of muscle, with a wide smile. With your adrenaline still being skyrocketed, it doesn‘t make this easy at all though. Your hands and legs are trembling, and you are still having trouble processing what actually happened in here.

Tapping the shoulder of Red Hood, you keep hold of the cookie in your free hand. He immediately turns his head to you and he visibly relaxes, but tenses again. Bruce is going to cut his head off later, for being unaware of civilians and possibly harming them.

»Y-your sweet treat for saving me last week.« You want to slap yourself with how your voice trembles and the fact that you just stuttered in front of him. But he doesn‘t seem to acknowledge it and seems to scan you and the cookie.

Batman also has his attention on you and the other vigilante hopes the words you just said made Bruce less angry towards him. You are clearly unaware of the tension between the two and just seem to be happy by just giving your hero of the night a cookie as a small thanks. Red takes the cookie from you, having to save it for later since he can't eat with his helmet on. He simply takes it and looks back at you with a subtle nod.

»Thanks, but you didn't need to.«

You wave it off, glad he didn't seem to notice your trembling hands and slightly dishevelled look. Well, he did not acknowledge it, but Batman will surely take care of that. Ambulances are on their way already and he is sure he will grow sick from the way you look so dreamy at his son.

»Are you hurt? We'll get you some help, just lay the knife down.«

Oh, the knife is something you've totally forgotten and now your trembling hands seem even more obvious. You sheepishly lay the knife away onto the counter and follow them outside, Red Hood guiding you to a nearby ambluance to let the doctors treat you. Once there, they can only patch up the light scratches you got from the few glass splitters that flew your way from the big window and glass door. You still have no idea how they could possibly fly through that thick glass, having paid quite some money for it.

Finally, they finished with the few scratches at your side and you are left alone with a warm cup of tea to soothe your nerves and keep you warm; a silver blanket around your shoulders to protect you from the biting february cold. You have the perfect opportunity to look over the scene. Police have already sealed your bakery off with yellow tapes, now looking around to put small cards with numbers on potential evidence. From this view, you can see the few blood pools on the wooden floor, knowing it will be a pain to clean that off. Surely your clients can understand and tolerate a small haitus over a few days, if not weeks, to clean everything and renovate some things.

Sighing out, you sip on your tea and already make mental notes on what to buy and work on in your bakery. Luckily your kitchen stayed unharmed.

»How you holding up? Enjoying your tea?«

You almost jump out of your skin again at the voice that came beside you, not having noticed him approach at all. Is this why they call him Nightwing? Getting out of your small surprise, you nod and just rest the tea cup in your hands.

»Good, tea is good too.« You smile back politely, the man beside you currently leaning against the door of the ambulance slightly.

»Yeah? Is this your bakery? We didn't mean to destroy your windows and floors, we can take care of that since it's the least we could do.«

Damn his charming smile and smooth voice. You simply nod in response but your mind drifts off. What is he doing here? Shouldn't he be in Blüdhaven, fighting crime instead of here? You don't follow the news that much, but you do know that he isn't normally here. Not in a situation like this anyway. You snap out once he speaks up again.

He eventually finds out that this bakery is indeed yours and you were about to close it before these two insane maniacs accidently flew right through the big window and continued their fight there. He also finds out about how Red saved you last week and got you home safely. Somehow you managed to even ramble off to Nightwing about it. And he seems invested in your story, almost fangirling with you but keeps his laid back and smug demeanor for most of the time.

The conversation gets interrupted as Red Hood grabs Nightwing by his collar, dragging him finally away from you and also almost starting a fight with him because of that.

»Dude, this is destiny! You can't tell me this is a very strange and funny coincidence; you saved her last week and now crashed into her bakery? That's... that's-«

»Shut up, dick! We don't even know each other.« Jason snaps back annoyed, really not wanting to talk about something cheesy like this, even when he privately enjoys reading romance novels, similar to this.

»Oh, come on, she seems nice and genuinely wants to get to know you! Now's your chance, Jay.«

»Fuck off!« Jason almost growls, earning a look from Bruce who is currently approaching them. It seems like the GCPD caught the criminal and are currently driving him to his new cell, being done for tonight, if nothing other happens after this.

You attempt to peek towards their way, but you don't see them anywhere anymore, having disappear into the night again. The ambulance drives you home that night, getting told to rest for tonight and don't worry about anything else. But you do worry about something. Are they really going to replace your window and half-broken door?

----

The next day felt a little less pleasent, the wind being stronger than yesterday. You make your way to the bakery and go into the front door this time, wanting to see how bad the damage really is. The entire front window is gone, the glass splitters laying on the floor inside and outside, and your door seems to jammed and half crushed. You don't even want to know how they managed to do this.

Not even a minute later, a small group of men approach you and look kind of shady. One of them stands now in front of you and holds out an envelope, it being almost as thick as a small loaf of bread.

»Miss, we are here to repair your window and door.«

He starts, expecting you to take the envelope full of money and just trust him with the repair. Where did they get so much money from?You study them, the small group of men standing behind him and also watching you, some assessing the damaged shop. They are all taller than you, dressed in a suspicious looking clothes, but they seem to have a good motive.

»And who are you?«

»I am Bill-« He gets slapped by the back of his head, getting whispered some words. His more chirp tone gets interrupted and clears his throat before speaking up.

»We were sent from Red Hood to take care of the damage.«

He said with a more monotone and low voice, glancing to the non-existent window. You slowly take the envelope from him and nod, remembering the words from Nightwing last night again and feel relieved about it.

They get to work once you agree, noticing the small truck near by as five of them walk over and now carry the new glass of window to your shop, the other five men cleaning the mess up, and making sure the window is ready to get installed. You almost get a heart attack as you watch them carry the new window, keeping your eyes on them while they work. In the meantime, you make sure to stash the large stack of money somewhere safe, guessing it's probably more money than needed, but you don't complain.

After probably two hours of watching them work, the men seem to be finished and now clean the big window, also making sure to clean the blood soaked floor, and not knock anything over. You've counted ten of them, meaning to give them some sweets in return.

As soon as they all group up again and get ready to leave, you approach them quickly with two bigger bags in hands. One has a good amount of cookies, the other has two boxes full of éclair with different fillings. They hold back their excitement and take the bags, driving back to their unofficial base and share the sweets with the rest. Mostly giving it to the kids since they are also curious on what they brought back.

Finally, the bakery seems to return to its old self. The usual costumers arrive and buy stuff, sharing their empathy with you and also leaving you some extra tips for the repairs. If you knew this could get this much money, you would have done this way earlier. Somehow.

The following days, the men of Red Hood appear in your bakery more often. At least five of them arrive each day and buy some sweets from you, mostly getting some éclair and brownies. You don't complain, actually finding it quite cute how they buy some of your baked goods and pay you a good amount of money for it too, wondering if they buy it for themselves or even for the Red Hood himself.

Red Hood, however, hates how obsessed they seem with your sweets. It's gotten to a point where there is always either a full or half-eaten cookie laying around somewhere. The children shouldn't eat so much sugar anyway, so he tries to control the amount of stuff they buy from your shop.

Once the six men arrive back from their small shopping trip, they get greetet by a grumpy Boss. He seems to be grumbling something to himself, several curses slipping out of him while he cleans his gun on the couch. But Bill does figure out some words, something about a bakery and... is he fussing about the baked goods? Does he want more or is he trying to figure out on how to meet you again? Whatever it is, he already has a plan. If boss seems upset, he is the first to make him feel better and solve any problems he may have.

----

You are currently closing the back door after taking care of the place, having cleaned it as usual and prepared the rest for the following day. It's been probably about two weeks since you have these new, polite, but also strange regulars. They come in every day around afternoon, order about two bags full of baked goods and leave the place with small smiles. Today wasn't any different, they even left a big tip again and muttered small thanks as the other day.

Turning around, you didn't notice to see a small girl standing before you, asking for help as she claims to be lost. Of course you help her, she looks so tiny and cute as her eyes water up and seems to be close to howliing her eyes out. You kneel down to be at her level, getting something cold hit against the back of your neck. You pass out. That is the last thing you could remember, being unconscious.

Red Hood doesn't know what's worse. The fact that his men kidnapped you or that Bill used his niece for bait to get you. Either way, he has no idea what he should do now. You are laying unconsciously in the arms of the so-called kidnapper, Bill, who organised all of this. His explanation was simple: 'But Boss, you looked sad and talked about her.' No, the fuck he didn't.

But before he could scold him out and land bullets in each of their heads, you stirr in his arms. Air seems to freeze and everyone watches your next move. Red tenses and is also relieved at the same time, glad they didn't knock you out too hard. Once you can blink your eyes open, you recognise the man holding you almost immediately. Still, due to not knowing where you are or how you got here, you swing at him and fall to the ground. You yelp and grab for your pepper spray in your pocket, trying to aim it to him but realise too late that the safety click is still on.

»Lady, calm down! We brought you to Boss- Red Hood, sorry!« Bill exclaims and holds his hands up, as do the other four men who stand by him. Your heart somehow calms down, but only a fraction until you look to the actual Red Hood standing by the other side.

»What?« You huff out quietly, still aiming the bottle of pepper spray towards your supposed kidnapper.

Red only groans, the sound coming off strangled through his helmet and the distortion mic he most likely wears. »Idiots. Out.« He gruffs out, them actually listening and hurrying out of the room.

Now, this is awkward. This feels like a bad romcom-soap your grandma would watch and try to convince you of how romantic it is. You slowly put your pepper spray back into your pocket and stand off the floor. At least he isn't towering over you now, but the height difference still feels humbling to some extend.

You clear your throat and try to figure out what to say. It seems like he is doing the same, staring at you while scrambling for anything to talk about.

»Do you... need a ride home? It's almost one in the morning, so...«

He eventually suggests and you wish you could at least read his body language, but he stays as still as a stick. But the request is appreciated and you nod, actually happy to be driven home by him again. He grabs an extra helmet for you and you both make your way outside, walking the few steps to his bike.

It's mostly quiet, and you don't really know what to say yourself, just letting him help you get on and ensure that you sit safely behind him. You wrap your arms around his torso, making sure to keep them higher up, instead of listening to your intrusive thoughts and letting them slip lower. You can't even wrap them fully around him, being able to touch your fingertips together at his chest, but not more. He starts driving in a shocking speed, making you clutch onto him tighter.

You squint your eyes together under the helmet, just hoping he isn't driving too fast and possibly going over the speed limit. But even if he was, he most certainly didn't care and you start to think he just wants to bring you home as fast as possible.

And indeed, it didn't take long for you to get home, getting off the bike with some help again. His bigger hands help you take off the helmet you wear, getting a bit sheepish and secretly flustered at how gentle he is.

»Listen, I'm really sorry for this. I don't know how they got the idea of... well, kidnapping you. I'm really sorry.«

He holds your helmet in his hands as he apologises and seems genuine. Like, genuinely sorry and guilty for this.

»No, it's fine. At least I got a free ride home.« It seems he didn't expect you to be so forgiving about it and take it lightly. Were you kidnapped often that you are reacting this way? He nods slowly, straightening up on his bike.

»Still... have a good night, then.«

He drives off afterwards, having watched you walk inside your apartment complex, just to make sure you actually went home safe. ----

The next few days were actually quiet for once. The usual buff men of his didn't come in for a while until, like three days later and bought a few cupcakes and cookies this time. It's getting warmer now finally, it being march now and it starts to rain less. Even though you live in Gotham, the weather seems to work out somehow. Especially today, the sun was out for maximum ten minutes and your day got better a whole lot. After dealing with the handful of costumers that come in everyday, you can prepare the bakery to close down. Once it's done, you close the door but halt in your steps as you turn around.

Red. A red motorcycle and the red man leaning against it with his arms crossed.

»What are you doing here? Kidnapping me again?«

You step closer to him and he shakes his head lightly, already handing you over an extra helmet. »No, trying to do the opposite. You seem to have a problem with getting home safe.«

You huff out amused at his answer, secretly flustered and appreciating that he will drive you home again.

»Is this going to be a routine? Because I do hope it will.«

You question while putting on your helmet, keeping your eyes on him. He seems to consider it for a moment, in reality not wanting to come off as a creep or stalker.

»I guess so, then. Seems like you would only appreciate it.«

He shrugs and helps you getting on the back of his bike once more, making sure your arms are tight around him before he drives off. This time he drives slower and probably more cautiously. Either way, you keep your arms tight around him. Getting to the point of arriving home is the saddest part though. You step from the seat and feel the need to return the favour. Standing before him, he also doesn't leave just yet, even when he just put your helmet away.

»Same time tomorrow?« You finally manage to ask, smiling sheepishly at him. He nods almost too quickly and straightens his back lightly.

»Always.«

And on that night, you weren't sure what you two were. Of course, he is your personal uber driver now, but that doesn't stop you from becoming even more crazy over him.

----

It had been about three weeks since he drove you home himself, and he is still doing it. The brief drive back made you two become closer. Well... you are mostly talking about your day and yourself during the ride while he listens and nods from time to time.

This time though, he doesn't wait for you as usual. Indeed, you are getting worried and hope you didn't overshare the other day and scared him off that way. Okay, maybe that was dramatic, but you are really unsure now. Should you go to your bus station or wait until he arrives? If you wait and he doesn't appear, you will miss your bus and have to walk. At least there isn't any ice around anymore, it being the middle of march. But you also have some hope that he will actually arrive and you just need to wait a little longer... a little longer, and... just a little longer?

An hour came by and you missed your bus already. It probably would have been better if you just went to your bus station.

A loud sound of an engine rips you out of your thoughts and you look towards the sound, instantly recognising the bike. He stops just right before you, making you flinch at how dangerously close he is.

»I'm late, I know - something came up, just hop on...«

He gestures behind his back and you hesitate briefly before taking a seat behind him. Red hastily hands you over your helmet and waits, sighing out. He sounds exhausted and seems unlike himself. Whatever happened, you are very curious and on the verge of asking. You would have, if he wouldn't have started driving in high speed. The bike lets out an ear-blaring sound and a high screetch against the asphalt, making you hold on tighter around him. You don't hear it, but Red grunts lightly at your touch, gritting his teeth under his helmet.

He parks clumsly near your door and stalls the bike, groaning as he tries to keep himself from wincing at his pain by his side.

»What happened?« You get off the bike and stand by his side, taking off your helmet while he tilts his head away from you. He shakes his head and waves a dismissive hand at you, struggling to puts his engine on again.

»C'mon, you arrived late, you seem to be in a hurry and you breath unevenly. Something's up.«

You try to be more demanding and he stops breathing for a moment at your observation. After what seems like an eternity he caves in.

»You know how to stitch people up?«

Standing in the living room in front of your couch, on which you sit on, you stitch up his gash across his side carefully. You explained to him shortly that your father was a medic in the past and thaught you a thing or two about that stuff. You live in Gotham, for God's sake.

He stays surprisingly still during the treatment, not uttering a word or wince during the entire procedure. That's when you start to get worried.

Finally, after several minutes of dead silence, you lean away and now bandage his cut up. »You had a full on gash on your side and still decided to drive me home? Are you completely insane?«

Now the scolding starts. He had hoped you would just patch him up and let him go, but it seems like you make him stay and listen to your lecture. He stays standing in front of you, silently observing you while you scold him out and stand right before him. Your friendship had reached the level of where you can easily joke around with each other and tease, but also express concern without coming off as weird or creepy.

»You could have just texted me and tell me you wouldn't pick me up, you know? I could take the bus instead.«

He shakes his head. Of course he does.

»Wanted to make sure you are safe.«

»No, absoulutely not. Don't put me over your health, that's stupid and dangerous.«

You voice firmly but he stays calm. You have every right to be upset and angry about his antics, but he really just wanted to make sure you are safe and sound.

"Now, eat the cookie and crash here. No arguing.«

He blinks, perplex about your final words. To be honest, he didn't pay attention to your lecture until now. The cookie in his hand is new too, not having felt it there before. The red vigilante listens to you and sits down on your couch.

You watch him, eventually leaving the living room to your own room, and get ready to sleep.

You don't see him the next morning, but he did text you just around four AM.

»Thanks for patching me up, doc. Will come by more often, probably.«

----

»So, have you asked her out yet? Even gotten her number, or nah? Do you even know her name by now, or should I ask her? Are you even listening to me?«

Dick asks through the comms, making a big deal out of it. It's only a matter of time when he notices that Jason turned his earpiece off and starts annoying him all over. This night's patrol is slower than usual; Nightwing gaining the chance to annoy and interrogate his little brother.

»Well... her cupcakes are good.« That smug bastard mumbles into the comms once he sees they are turned on again by Jason's side, the sly smirk evident, even through an earpiece.

»What? Please don't tell me you visited her fucking bakery, you-«

He gets interrupted by his brother, chuckling through the earpiece like the infuriating jerk that he is.

»She knows my name by now. Because I am a regular.« Dick taunts, hoping to get a reaction out of him and also know more about the situation he has going on with you.

»Yeah? Well, she knows the names of my men and I drive her home every night after her shift. You've got nothing on me.«

For the first time, Dick is actually positively surprised about what his brother said. If this is true, then why aren't you guys together yet?

»And...?« He presses on, hoping to hear more news about the new soon-to-be-girlfriend, not wanting for him to say that there is nothing else to discuss about just yet.

»What 'and'? There's nothing else.«

Dick groans heavily, having to lean his head back in frustration and stop his observation over the city. »You can't possibly tell me you haven't made a move yet. Seriously, are you that shy or are you genuinely this stupid?«

Jason rolls his eyes and continues to cruise through the busy streets, skipping red lights while doing so. »Don't tell me what to do, you're the one who fumbled the most.«

Dick is silent after that, deciding to continue patrolling and focusing instead of prying into his brother's love life. But not without some more 'friendly' bickering between the two. ----

A month later and Red Hood has been over in your place more often, mostly because of his injuries but also because of you. He wants to actually spend more time together and for you to get to know him. Currently, he is sitting leaned back on your couch, you sitting beside him while sorting through your med kit after treating his light wounds.

Your friendship has grown to that point, where you can lean against the other without much trouble and you already took a nap against his shoulder once after patching him up.

This night seems a little different though. Mostly for Red because he is determined to chance something in your friendship. Once you place the med kit back on your coffee table, you lean against his side and sigh out. He carefully wraps his arm around you shulder to keep you close, but also making sure to give you some space if you don't want to stay close.

»Tired?« He still hasn't taken his helmet off once during your time together, hiding his identity like no other. But you do know his first name, he has given you that after you'd asked rather sheepishly a while ago.

»Not really, just... a little.«

He nods back in response and feels his heart rate pick up as his thoughts wander off. He really does want for you to know him. To really know him, not just his name. After a longer moment of comfortable silence, he clears his throat lightly and shifts beside you.

»I want you to know me.« He really doesn't know how else to start this and be more vulnerable around you. You, however, don't react shocked or with any negative reaction, just listening and staying leaned against him with his arm gently around you. He takes it as a sign to continue.

»I'm... I'm going to take my helmet off, so... just don't freak out or anything.«

Red scoffs lightly to himself and reaches for his helmet with his free hand, slowly taking it off while he feels his heart pound in his ears. You simply watch, being nervous yourself for no reason. No, you are happy. Ecstatic even, and it gives you an absurd amount of feelings in your chest that you can't comprehend.

His face his bare now, hair falling lightly into his face. Jason finally looks to you and shifts on the couch to face you better. He looks way younger than in your head but even more so handsome and beautiful. His eyes search yours, any sign of rejectment or disgust but he sees none. Indeed, he can only see the amount of adoration and affection in your gaze.

»I really want to you know me and for us to actually be more than... this simple arrangement we have going on. You are, I mean... you make me happy and you're literally, hands down, the most friendly and understanding person I've ever met. It's probably a lot for you, but I genuinely want more and for-«

You really want to hear him out and hear what else he has to say, but your emotions take over. You cut his words off with a kiss, and not just some kiss. A meaningful, and passionate kiss that should make him know how much you adore him and love him. You put all your feelings into it that even he is overwhelmed with how gentle you are. As if he could break of crumble at any moment.

Both hands holding his face, he leans closer into you and kisses you back with just as much love. Neither of you know who broke the kiss first, but you both gasp for air. He leans back again and stares back at you, cheeks flushed and heart calming down slightly.

You both feel flustered now, letting go of him and stay seated beside him.

»I was kinda impatient, sorry...«

Finally he chuckles, sending you both into a fit of giggles and he hugs you tightly, almost crushing you with how strong he is. The night ended up with you both talking even more, sharing some fleeting kisses into the early morning before you have to go to work and he needs to leave to his own business. ----

Your relationship progressed in the following months, both being super cheesy with the other in private but both of you won't admit it to anyone else.

That's when the door rings to your apartment, not expecting anyone in particular as you bake cookies with Jason in your kitchen. He goes to the door to answer it, his cheek having some flour on it while his usual black shirt also has flour spots. Not that he cares.

He opens the door and there stands his oh, so lovely brother. His eye twitches.

»Hey Jaybird, I see you're having fun, but I-«

The door closes abruptly in Dick's face and there's only some muffled words to be heard from behind it, Jason ignoring those and walking back to you.

»Who was it?«

»Dickface.«

He grumbles, settling behind you to hug you and rest his chin on your shoulder. You want to scold him for treating his brother that way but you lose your words as soon as he nuzzles into your neck. That day went by great without any further interruptions from annoying dickfaces, spending the time with you in peace after turning his phone off as well.

Jason's won't ever let anything interrupt you both.

a/n: literally wrote this whole thing in one go, I was really determined to get this off my list. I really hoope it didn't come off as too rushed 😭😭 I hope you enjoyed it!

←MASTERLIST

[skipper1331]

Comfort // Deyna Castellanos

a/n: based off this request. I hope you like it!

"Hey…" Deyna whispered, you let your bags drop on the floor, eyes red and puffy. You looked at her and then you broke down. All the tears that you didn‘t spill at the airport were now streaming down your face twice as hard. "Baby…" she wrapped her arms around your small body, you were sobbing in her neck, shaking. It hurt her to see you like that. "I- I should‘ve done more"

Deyna guided you to the couch, your head resting in her lap while her hand played with your hair as she tried to calm you down. No words were exchanged. You couldn‘t talk anymore, you did it too much already. Deyna was just there, the comfort you needed. She was the only one who was allowed to see you so vulnerable. You cried until you fell asleep.

Deynas sitting position wasn‘t comfortable but she would never have dared to get up and wake you, not when you looked so hurt.

While you were sleeping, she thought of something that might or at least cheer you up a little.

"Deyna" you rasped out, her eyes finding yours "I love you"

"I love you too," she gave your forehead a kiss before you slowly sat up, still on her lap. "Kiss?" you smiled, shyly. The striker grinned, giving you a kiss. A kiss that held so many emotions.

"Take a shower, we‘re going out" Deyna told you, pressing multiple kisses over your face "where are we going?"

"For me to know, for you to find out"

Quickly, you took a shower and dressed yourself before you made your way back to the living room where your girl was. "you look nice" the striker commented on your (casual) outfit, smiling fondly at you. "Are you ready, my love?"

"Yeah, let’s go" you grabbed her hand, pulling her outside, stopping at the street "Um, where do we have to go?"

"Follow me" she pressed a kiss to your cheek, walking down the street.

The two of you talked about everything and nothing but the World Cup, not wanting the mood to change. The walk wasn‘t long, Deynas plan was to take you out to your favorite restaurant.

"Tada" your girlfriend stated with open arms to point at the restaurant. "My favorite restaurant?"

"Well, yes?" she looked at you confused, your face unreadable, "we can go somewhere else if you want to?"

"No, no! It‘s amazing, you‘re amazing"

You went inside, taking a seat at your usual table. You could see everything from the table, you could look outside or to the kitchen and could see every person in the restaurant. "Hi, how are you both? Long time no see!" Josh, the waiter said.

It's funny, whenever you guys had been here, Josh had always been your waiter. He was a super nice guy, attentive and friendly with a sense of humor. You enjoyed his company, he was not only your waiter but also became a friend and thought Manchester is blue (something you loved to hear) One day, you had invited him to the Derby and afterwards he cried about how great it was, he was such a sweet soul. "Joshy boy! How are you? How‘s the little sister?"

"I‘m great, thank you. She‘s still crushing on you" he laughed, Deyna watched the scene in front of her, a big smile on her face. "I told you, you should take her with you to a game" you smacked his arm, giggling along. His sister was sweet 6 year old girl, obsessed with football and a die-hard ManCity fan, a die-hard Y/N/L fan. "One day…maybe. So your usual?" he looked at you and your girlfriend who nodded, then walked away.

Your date went on smooth, Deyna a charmer as always, some chats with Josh and a delicious meal. For a moment, you could forget your sadness about the World Cup final loss, you could be yourself and happy.

"Thank you, Josh, it was amazing as always." your girl stated as he cleared the table.

"Baby, can we get Ice cream?" you asked with puppy dog eyes.

"Of course, my love" Deyna paid for your meals before the two of you said bye to Josh, giving him hug.

As you got your ice cream (Deyna paid again with the statement: it’s my treat) you walked home, holding hands. You felt at peace, the sun had already set, stars clear in the sky.

"Thank you for doing this" you knew the striker did all this to ease your mind "I love you" your arms went around her neck, pulling her down. You kissed her like you would lose her.

The final will hurt for a while but you were nothing but proud of your team and with Deyna by your side at every step of the way, you‘ll come back stronger.

The lionesses would come back stronger than ever, ready to take revenge.

————————

[cats-and-fiction]

Hey! Saw you still wrote for TWD! :) I was kinda wondering if you could do maybe headcannons or sumthing. Idk what there Called anymore ☠️. But including the characters of. - Negan, Daryl, Rick And Simon. (If comfortable). If the reader was way larger then them Height wise and strength wise anyways. But there super shy 🤭. Ofc not when fighting lol was hoping for Fem reader if not that’s Ight

Yes I still do, just like I still write for all the other fandoms. Right now it‘s just…alot of Avatar, I‘m sorry for that _(:3

I havn‘t watched past season 6 it was I believe, so I don‘t know Simon that much. Nega I can try. Rick and Deryl I can do definetly.

With a shy but tall and strong Reader

Rick Grimes

Rick is seemingly looking past your physical attributes, more concentrated on your character.

Should there be some idiot who thinks it‘s funny how a woman can be strong and tall like a guy is wrong. Rick will be at your side for whatever comes your way. Rick will protect you and the guy will get a earful if you don‘t stand up to yourself.

Fightingwise you are the one he trusts the most. Beside Daryl and others but if he needs someone strong? Your his woman and only choice.

Doesn‘t mind that he is the smaller one when you stand besides him. Seems to enjoy it even.

Encourages you to speak up but if you really don‘t want to or are too shy he will take the reigns

Daryl Dixon

At first when meeting you he wouldn‘t understand why you were so shy. Nobody would dare to speak against you if they saw you first, intimidated by your looks.

At first he maybe a bit intimadet when he saw you but when he noticed how shy you actually were. Damn. Fighting wise he knew what you could do and you could habdle yourself but in front of people? He stepped up

Does protect you if someone says something against you, similar to Rick, when you don‘t defend yourself

You two enjoy being alone, away from the others and just you two.

Doesn‘t push you or anything, let‘s you do your stuff in your own pace so your relationship took long to develop.

Negan

I feel like he is someone who want you to stabd up for yourself. Will tell you to have more confidence and with how you look people won‘t say anything against whatever you have to say since most just look at the outside

[prettycutebunny]

I desperatly need a third Part for „Little Butterfly“

It‘s not even funny anymore🥲

Would you mind writing one?

little butterfly, part 3

Guess who decided to stop procrastinating and actually write the new chapter ? ✋🏻 this chapter is a bit different from the other two since it’s a gate away to the ending. Hope you all have fun !

Why did you go back again? The soft snores of your baby in your arms answered. Alana shouldn’t stay in some random village; you needed to work and have a support system for her as well. taking a deep breath as the familiar buildings filled your vision. Getting your old job back was out of the question, so you’ll need a new one, hopefully in the nearby hospital. They always needed extra help there. Chris warned you about Umbrella, but even if it’s the devil himself, as long as he pays you well, you’ll work for him. Umbrella paid their employees well and had childcare in the faculty for working parents. They were short staffed for some reason, and it felt like it was meant to be. 

Speaking of Chris, he gave you the keys to his old place with permission to use it until you’re back on your feet. What would you do without him? You’d probably end up caught in that old home without the means to defend yourself. At least here you have your old STARS friends. Jill and Brad were surprised by your call and even more when you informed them of your return. The whole reason you left is gone—this caused another sharp pain in your chest—so you have no reason to stay away. 

Even after so long, you still miss him terribly. The gentle touches, stolen kisses, and sneaky messages made you miserable, but the happiness they provided overshadowed it. No man could ever make you break your soul to pieces and thank him for it at the same time. If only he was the one. 

Chris’s apartment wasn’t in the safest of places, but you can’t blame him. STARS payment wasn’t that great, and he’s spending all his resources now fighting one of the biggest corporations in the world. At least Jill lives in the same building, and you can drop by after you settle in a bit. You left most of your belongings behind when you left the first time and didn’t have much to take with you the second, so you were grateful for the fully furnished rooms. 

The alarm jolted you from your dreamless sleep, and you felt your joints pop with the sudden movement. A warm shower followed by feeding Alana next; there was no time for breakfast, you didn’t want to be late for your first day. After getting dressed in a simple white blouse and a pencil skirt, you put Alana in a matching dress with a white top and a black skirt. She giggled as you kissed her chubby cheek, making you laugh in return. 

Your job was a lot easier than you expected. All you needed to do was run strands as the hospital filled up with patients. With the baby monitor in your pocket, you headed to the pharmacy for the fourth time in one day to grab more supplies. The number of trauma victims is piling up as the ER turns into chaos. 

The voice of Alana crying made you raise an eyebrow. You just fed and changed her. Her cries were louder than any she had ever made before. Giving away the medicine you just grabbed, you rushed to comfort her. She almost never cries, and whenever she does, it tears you apart. She was inconsolable, and you can feel your head throbbing. 

Her voice slowly grew hoarser while you ignored the doctors paging you. The other babies began to grow restless, so you took her out of the nursery. The nurse in charge, judging  gaze followed you. Wetness filled your eyes as you brought her body closer to you. What kind of mother can’t comfort her child?

The locker room is quiet at this time of day, so her cries won’t be a disturbance. Her big eyes looked at you with what you can swear is fear as they switched to the door. Her sobbing turned into hiccups, then silence. Before you could get up to return to work, screams rang all over the hospital, causing you to flinch in fear. 

The small hands of Alana are holding onto you fiercely. 

Standing on your feet, you ran to the door and locked it from the inside. The screams only grew louder and closer, almost surrounding you from every side. Fear paralyzed you in the corner of the room while you clung to your child for your dear life. Did she sense this? She was shaking like a leaf as you rocked your body forward and back in hopes of calming her down. 

You opened the baby bag next to you and grabbed the small blanket inside. It provides very little warmth for you, but it’s what Alana needed to feel better. Her head was raised so her eyes met yours while she whimpered softly. 

"I know, baby, I know. We will be okay, I promise you."

The situation outside seemed to only get worse and worse, even when it "calmed down." Your body was stiff as you remained unmoving in your position. The only time you moved was to make Alana’s milk, which she took without a problem. The familiar noises of footsteps outside didn’t provide any reassurance as they sounded so inhumane. You should’ve listened to Chris’s warnings, damnit!

The sudden ringing caused you to jolt in fear while your hand flew to your forgotten phone. Rummaging through the deep pocket of your skirt, your fingers slammed the decline button. As something waited for the slightest noise, the door in front of you started banging erratically, making you shrink. It sounded like something was slamming its body against the door. Thankfully, whatever it was lost interest and stopped. 

Exhaling a breath you’d been holding for a while, you felt the soreness in your muscles begin to relax. Now that you have a breath, you looked down at the missed call; it was jill. writing a simple message of ’locked myself in the hospital, I’m safe for now’

The soft hands of Alana hit your face to get your attention. She cooed softly at the tears that escaped you unnoticed. Fear, confusion, and unprocessed grief over your lost love are leaking. Biting down on your lips and wiping fiercely wasn’t enough. The only thought you had was about your poor baby, who wouldn’t have the chance to grow up. Her blue eye pierced your soul just like his did. Your voice came out in a shaky whimper. 

"Baby, do you want to see Daddy?"

Why did you keep his photo in your wallet? That wasn't a question you were prepared to answer. It however came in handy as you took the carefully tucked picture of him. He was wearing his STARS uniform without his signature sunglasses and leaning down on his desk while staring carefully at a document. It was a photo you took sneakily through the windows of his office. 

Her fingers touched them in curiosity, and you giggled. 

"Do you want to hear his voice?"

She let out more babbling, and you giggled. Pulling out your phone, your fingers moved on muscle memory alone. There’s still a high chance his voicemail is still active after that time. His voice came after the wait, as you remembered it, and you swallowed your sobs. The banging returned as a shriek almost escaped you. 

Wesker paced through the room, glaring at his computer. The spy he hired was a professional, but the outbreak might overpower her. A snare almost left him as he tapped his fingers against the screen. The G virus was a priceless asset, along with his old colleague’s intelligence. Birkin refused to leave Umbrella until the G virus was complete, something he couldn’t help but respect as he was the only person that was equal to himself in this world. 

Images of a woman flashed in his mind, almost stopping him in his tracks. He lost all traces of her in that damned village, and checking his network of intelligence, it appeared that Chris had reached her first. His eyes flared bloody red against the dark frames of his sunglasses, scaring the researchers near him. Scuffing at their cowardice, he walked away, deep in thought. The sound of a video call stopped him in his tracks as he answered.

How long has it been? You lost feeling in your lower half ages ago. It must have been at least a full day by now. Every time you attempt to move, the rustling sounds attract whatever’s roaming outside to the door. Even your poor baby fought against hunger for long because of how long it takes you to carefully feed her. Adrenaline slowly left your body, leaving you nothing but a sluggish, stressed mess. Just as your eyes started to slowly shut, did you hear the gunshots resonating in the building?

Your body was startled, bringing back your fight or flight reflex. Sadly, yours was flight, and you almost fell face-first on the floor because of the numbness in your body. One arm caught Alan while another caught your face from kissing the tiles. The poor child was as surprised as you and let out a cry of protest. Thankfully, the continuous gunshots kept whatever was outside distracted from the noise you're both making. It sounded a lot like a machine gun.

While you carefully moved your body around, the shots grew closer. The feeling in your legs came back with the prickly pain, but at least you can run if needed. There’s no proof that whoever is there would help. Sounds of boots followed by more bullets were just outside your door. Strapping Alan carefully and tightly on your chest and grabbing your bag, you took a fighting stance. The sound of bullets turned into the jingles of keys that stopped at your door. Whatever was outside is smart enough to use a gun and keys. As the door swung open, your eyes met those of a strange man who let out a scream. 

"JESUS ! You scared me, lady !"

His gun lowered as he observed you standing nervously. Looking at his attire, he appeared to be some kind of law enforcement official, giving you hope. 

"I’ve been trapped here with my baby for hours. Please help us."

The brown eyes that were looking at you suspiciously went down to the child strapped to your chest. Her eyes were looking at him curiously, and the tension in his body disappeared. 

"My friend has been infected, and I’m here for the vaccine. After that, we will leave this place. I need a hospital ID if you have it."

Your hands went under your shirt to take the temporary pass they gave you this morning. 

"Sorry, this is my first day. I’m not sure if it’ll work."

He grabbed it and smiled kindly. 

"That will do. Stay behind me, and I’ll protect you both."

Before he could take a step outside, you called out to him. 

"Wait ! Do you have an extra gun? I know I don’t look much, but I used to work with STARS, and I have some experience."

His body tensed again as his eyes filled with doubt. 

"It’s true ! Wait …. JILL !  She's still in the city, and we have to find her."

Bringing up STARS made you remember your poor friend who called you in worry. Before, you didn’t have time to think about her, but now that you feel secure enough, you want to help. 

"She's safe; don't worry. Also, here."

A handgun was offered to you, which you grabbed with gratitude. Carlos, as he introduced himself, guided you through the complex hallway to the room where Jill was resting, and you burst into tears. Stress, fear, and concern burst like a dam at the sight of her so weak. He patted your shoulders gently and left you behind. 

Albert Wesker didn’t like to lose. The sample of the virus he wanted was lost due to an accident that made him furious, to say the least. Damn that Annette to hell. Standing outside of the plagued city, he walked through the streets, killing anyone who got in his way. The virus in his veins makes the rotting corpses assume he’s one of them. 

His lips twisted in a snarl, the location of where William's body was last seen in his mind. A voice in his head stopped him. Taking off his sunglasses, he observed the burning buildings and chaos, trying to pinpoint the source. The sound returned, which was followed by an unknown anxiety. a feeling in the back of his mind demanding he go through the hospital on his left. 

Said place exploded out of nowhere, making him jump back startled. Glaring it down, he tried to fight the urge off and focus on his goal, but his body refused to move. The blown-up entrance that was crowded by zombies just now seemed too tempting for him to go through. The anxiety grew more intense, and he flexed his palms in anger. 

Alana was acting weird. She’s always been a bit unusual for her age, but she never did this. Carlos was outside fighting off hordes of zombies while you hid inside, holding her close. Her small body rose and turned toward the door. She was looking at it with concentration. You thought she was trying to open it with her mind. No amount of stroking her cheek or snapping your fingers seemed to get her attention. 

You laid her on the floor, and she crawled instantly to the door, making you jump behind her. She fought against your body trying to reach it again and only stopped when Carlos denoted the pillar, breaking her of her trance. 

Her eyes looked at you, and you almost dropped her in fear. The beautiful blue orbs turned crimson-red out of nowhere. Carlos' announcement that the coast was clear and his new objective barely registered in your mind as you kept looking down at your baby girl. Her eyes returned again to the door with more intensity than before. 

"I’m going to check the surrounding area just to be sure."

Tyrell nodded as he kept working on his computer. Clinching the gun in your hand while hugging her closer, you opened the door. 

[someonewhogotanaccount]

Don’t ask me why

I recently had absolutely no time to waste because of Latin (you probably remember) so I decided to do virtually anything except what I was supposed to do (after I studied for some hours). Soooo what do you think about this edited picrew? Like, I made this one picrew… don’t know anymore which one but I think I reblogged it once… anyway, I made this picrew for my OC and edited a few things with my ✨not existing✨ drawing skills. (Really, I can’t draw and I don’t even enjoy it, it is frustrating as hell)

It’s not much but I‘m not sure about the look of my OC so I ask you if it’s good or if you would change something. Here is the thing:

As I said, it‘s not much, but I changed the hair, the nose, the eyes and included some stickers (on the star is written “Agent No.1” + name of the OC). And I dunno what I thought ‘bout the emoji, just wanted something silly with a “rebellious touch”.

It’s, tbh, the first time I really thought about the look of the OC (which is funny ‘cause this OC is in my head now for… eight years? Nine? And the only feature I ever thought about were the green eyes). So feel free to tell your opinion ;).

[dhs-in-disguise]

Literally why are all the lists of „Haha funny german idioms“ so outdated and cringe as hell?! Like bro, no one says „Geh dahin wo der Pfeffer wächst!“ anymore.

Luckily I’ve been collecting a few things my family and friends say, meaning that these „Funny german idioms“ are actually funny (at least to me) and actually in use (can‘t guarantee I‘m accurately translating these though):

Hätte hätte Fahrradkette (basically mocking someone who says that they COULD HAVE done something better, „Would have, could have bicycle chain“)

Willste gleich eine oder später? („Do you want one now or later?“ My mum says this a LOT, it‘s rhetorically asking someone if they wanna be slapped now or later if they did smth stupid) (I‘m not being abused ok it‘s just a saying)

Kek (there isn‘t a translation for the word, it just appeared in my friend‘s vocabulary a year ago, smth like „stupid“)

Opfer (alternatively „Opfa“) (insult similar to Kek, just meaning that someone is in some way always unlucky or something, „victim“)

Ach fick dich doch ins Knie (Not really a saying, I just think the sentence that literally translates to „Oh fuck yourself in the knee“ is funny)

Du kannst mich mal am Arsch(e) lecken (It’s like telling someone to fuck off, but by saying that they can lick your ass)

Leck mich an die Füße (When something is hard to do or something stupid happens we just say this, „Lick my feet“)

Der Wind bläst keine fetten Ärsche (It‘s kinda fatphobic, basically meaning „The wind doesn’t blow fat asses“ if someone eats a lot)

Das würde nur ne Missgeburt sagen (Missgeburt is a similar insult to bastard, but doesn’t have a direct English translation, I am thanking my friend @callmefranordie for this one)

Erzähl mich nichts (/nüscht) vom Pferd („Don‘t lie“ basically, but in a more condescending way, dunno how to describe it but it literally says „Don‘t spin tales of a horse“)

Is dunkel wie im Bärenarsch hier (Meaning that it‘s as dark as a bear‘s asshole, this one has to be my favourite of the bunch)

[charlie-rulerofhell]

hi sorry can I ask a question about your tags on the last post? you mentioned "rowling's rage fit about lotl" and I haven't seen anything about that, what happened? totally ok if you don't want to talk about that anymore ofc <3

Hey anon! Thank you for asking and sorry for the somewhat late reply. You might have seen it yourself by now, if not I made a post about it here where I included three screenshots of her tweets.

Since I don‘t really enjoy giving myself the headache to check Rowling‘s twitter page very often, I only found out about it through German newspapers (some of them didn‘t get her sarcasm though, so yeah, for some people in Germany she will have the reputation of liking gender-queer Goth-Metal now, which is kinda funny because it would totally annoy her :D).

Basically she dedicated around 10 sarcastic tweets to them, more than to any of the other contestants. Some of them may make it seem like she actually liked the performance, but knowing her stance about gender queerness and also seeing some of her replies to other users make it clear that her words were only mocking. So it wasn‘t really a 'rage fit' (kinda exaggerated there for stylistic purposes, sorry :D), but given the amount of attention she spent on Lotl, just seeing male-presenting people freely expressing their gender identity must have really made her blood boil.

One more thing that I cannot stress enough: Don‘t look (too much) on social media these days, such as the replies to Rowling‘s tweets, but also the comment section under Lotl‘s performance. There is so much triggering homo- and especially transphobia there, it‘s bizarre. Just know that whatever you feel, however you want to express yourself, you are not alone.

[hanarchy]

theres this funny thing that happens when i go to france where it‘s like my brain doesnt remember that i speak french so i just don‘t listen to what is being said (train announcements or like in a store) when no one is speaking to me directly and i‘ve recently realised that i do the opposite with korean now bc i‘m so used to hearing it that i don‘t look at subtitles anymore or when people speak it on the street i listen and it always takes me a good while to realise i don‘t /actually/ know what‘s being said

[druckkugelschreiber]

It‘s so funny (and autistic of me) that when I was a teenager I didn’t like teenage characters in adult movies because they always acted so immaturely and autistic teenage me would never so they were just annoying as fuck and messing up the plot.

Now that I’m in my twenties I don’t mind teenage characters anymore because they‘re literally teenagers and behaving age appropriately and are supposed to mess things up

[sanktpolypenbourg]

See, getting into ‘Centaurworld’ again, I just read an interview with @sketchshark, and in retrospect it‘s really funny how many tongue-in-cheek references there are to her actual life especially regarding her own character Glendale.

I already commented this on the Youtube video, but, Sketchshark (playing Glendale) is a TRAINED CHOIR SINGER who had mixed feelings about joining the choir as a kid. THAT'S WHAT THIS IS BASICALLY ABOUT. Glendale is getting assimilated into the choir of heavenly voices ("Can't fight it anymore", “Now I’m Yours”) :D

To pick up another comment I made: Among the amazing things she brings to Glendale is her incredible repertoire, how she can switch from silly cartoon voice to absolute goosebumps-inducing ANGELIC, plus mixing and matching at will.

I was also gonna write a whole damn essay about ‘The Butt of the Joke’ and the musings about how the artist needs to embrace their own sillyness and vulnerability but that’s not really my place.

[curlyhairedprince]

(same anon)RIGHT?? 😭 it's so weird, but at least she's seeing the light now lol. also, i genuinely wonder how people can still believe it, because everything else aside if my boyfriend broke his arm like that i'd be on a plane in a heartbeat, especially when my only job is influencer and he's a multimillionaire 🤡

true love really, I also would not support my boyfriend in the slightest ❤️ i mean i get it if it‘s like okay I know he‘s being taken care of and I have to work/ obligations of my own but posting yourself going out partying? Funny haha. But tbh, I do think they are going the oh they are not dating anymore route and just ignoring it, like I think they want us to believe they‘ve broken up, or are at least in a very rocky place

[tinyywitchx]

it‘s funny how i‘m not on tumblr anymore not bc i‘m better but bc my eating disorder went from anorexia to binge eating disorder lol

and then every week i‘m like „fuck no u need to starve“ and 30 mins later i eat the whole fucking fridge and that goes on and on

and i‘m gaining so much weight and i‘m not ok and idk what to do??

i feel like i really need help bc i use food as compensation for EVERYTHING and i keep gaining weight

i am fucking obese now????

i just wanna die honestly

[mindsemiosis]

hey guys. I think I went through the worst heartbreak in my life. I thought about it a lot and I deeply believe that I’m somewhat transformed. I never experienced something like this before. I also think that I will never experience a heartbreak like this again and not again this kind of extreme change in personality. Heartbreaks in my youth and early 20s were mostly just sad, but after a few weeks I had other things in mind and I stayed the same person.

This time it was not even close to that. Something in me died after months of grief and severe sadness. I was deeply frustrated with my life. I hated myself. Sometimes it was so intense that I just felt numb. It‘s quite hard to describe. I first dissociated from myself and from my environment. I had to laugh sometimes even thought nothing was funny and now it feels like someone put me together but left some parts of me from before. I‘m me, but I‘m also not really the me I have known and I feel kinda detached from the world and people around me, but also not depressed or sad. I enjoy connecting with other people and speak with them like always. Strangely I‘m feeling extremely motivated and powerful and quite hyped about my future.

You know the phrase „what doesn‘t kill you makes you stronger?“. I had heavy anxiety and intrusive thoughts the last months, nearly daily. Now it‘s gone most oft the time. I can do stuff, which I couldn‘t before. I give no fucks anymore. I don‘t know, but this heartbreak really changed something in me. I‘m more careless now and it feels like the weak and anxious voices in me got really quiet. I can‘t hear them anymore. Before that I thought about all the worst scenarios, I felt really unsafe in life and in my body, just like my body could stop working at any time and social settings or travel pressured me.

Most of the time I only think one thing now. „What do I need to do to gain more xyz?“ and then I just do it. I don‘t struggle with motivation problems anymore. It‘s suuuper strange. It‘s really like there is only a strong will for power and success left in me and a voice which repeats „do it. do it. do it. workout. work. cook. make that call. aim. plan smart. travel. call friends. go out and eat. go into that bar. just do what you want and what brings more success, connections and power in your life.“. I hope it just stays like this. I really like the new me. It feels like I could just achieve anything now and nothing can hold me back.

[an-imaginary-person6]

Today I couldn’t kill a spider. Now this may not be significant for you, you may wonder why couldn’t you kill a spider? What did it do. Or you may scroll pass this without a damn care in universe.

So here’s the story:

As I usually do I get water to go to my room and sleep. And as I live in suburbia hell it’s on the second floor. I went outside for a brief moment and came back in to see a spider. Just as I was about to panic along with the spider and use all my flimsy courage to kill it. I pulled myself together and said, “Wait, wait, wait.” These were the words that stopped me from panicking and then the spider stopped as well.

The could’ve been a multitude of things, but because it stopped panicking (or condemn itself to its demise) I couldn’t kill it. It was alive in the way that plants are and I couldn’t detach myself anymore. It was alive living its best life under my stove and in my walls. I tried to think of a less violent solution. Throwing it outside condemn it to a slower death, but I couldn’t do it instantly. I have formed a bond with it.

I knew what I had to do a moment later and felt intense guilt wash over me. It had to die. My mom hates bugs with a passion, and so I couldn’t keep it as a pet (additionally could have been a brown recluse and those are dangerous). Throwing it outside only condemned it to a slower death without any comfort.

So instantaneous death was the only option I could see clearly. I could never be friends with the being with stopped with me and I pulled myself together.

So I got my mom.

She saw it instantly and killed it. This did not assuage my guilt. It only made me more hysterical I couldn’t kill the spider because I felt it was alive in a human way? Why did I feel it was alive in a human way? It‘s funny in hindsight I couldn’t kill a bug how hilarious, but when I stopped and the bug did as well, I felt the bond of solidarity surround me so heavy I felt frozen. We were comrades and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill my comrade, but my mother could.

To that spider’s small soul; please live a better life in the next. I hope you find people who like you.

[james-harmony]

<Vent on Art, Me, and People I don‘t even know>

Feel free to skip

I think I‘m now at a place where a significant number of artists are younger, and not older than me. It‘s weird, cause I‘m still not great when compared to a lot of them. I can place faults and reasons on whatever, but it still makes me a bit sad; maybe a bit happy too. I finally understand when they say emptions get more complicated the older you get.

Maybe it‘s better that my parents wouldn‘t have payed for artschool. If I was good enough I‘d had enough of a portafolio to get a scholarship or something. I dreamt of getting coloured pencils, a drawing tablet, a notebook, or maybe even a brush and paint for my birthday, but maybe that couldn‘t happen. The colours I managed to buy, the tablet my ex sold to me, the way too expensive notebook I bought for sketching… maybe that‘s all there is. The effort to continue and keep trying, despite not having the time or means; continuing with every cell in your body telling you that you suck at this. Probably will never be anything more than something that sometimes makes you happy I guess that’s good enough.

I still see other people, friends, finishing their careers in theater, graphic design, animation; even just strangers on the internet proudly showing their amazing work, and yeah, I do feel sucky and cry a little. Wondering if that could‘ve been me, or If I would‘ve failed half way through. However, I‘m also really happy for them. I‘m glad someone took the risk and put themselves out there, wether they had help along the way or no.

And yeah, this is all rather selfish. Taking other people’s accomplishments and making them about me. I just don’t really know what to do with these feelings. Like, I don’t hate my life. I like that I went into science and the people I’ve met. Maybe I will always have this voice gnawing away the back if my head, telling me I suck, maybe I gave up any chances I had to do what I want that it’s not even funny or tragic anymore. I just want to grab the voice, scream and ask what the hell am I supposed to do then? Of course it would laugh and disintegrate into nothing, being only a construction of my self loathing mind. So that just leaves me alone, trying to balance everything and hoping not to think to much, in case it might kill me.

Not all questions have an answer, and sometimes we just have to live with that.