#so people can see why it’s so gosh darned weird

[quillyfied]

No you know what I feel like I have to map this out now, because I’ve been informed that my vampire phase was Not Normal so I’m wondering if anyone else here on the Not Normal Website had something similar:

I started out utterly terrified of vampires. Series of nightmares as a young kid, watching a single scary moment of an episode of Buffy (where she wasn’t even fighting a vampire, I don’t think, just having a conversation with Willow, turned around and killed something scary, went back to her conversation), the Hey Arnold episode where they thought the hillbilly kid was a vampire and then he was bc Halloween episode scared me, it was a Thing. Idk.

Age thirteen, I pick up “In the Forest of the Night” by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes. She wrote it when SHE was thirteen. I felt immediate kinship. And fell in love with the story itself. And subsequently vampires. I devoured her entire body of work at the time, and kept up with it for a while. I thought she was evocative and creative and original with her world building.

Next: Cirque du Freak by Darren Shan, which I saw another kid on the bus reading before I had the courage to approach vampire fiction but the title stuck in my mind. That was. A trip. Got especially weird at the end; saw echoes of it in the Critical Role Campaign 2 fight against the giant baby head creature that unsettled me more than the actual fight did. Overall an unusual experience that I think I want to let rest in my teenage years forever actually.

Then, Angel. Because Buffy was over, my friends were obsessed with Joss Whedon, and Angel aired right after dinner and sometimes my family watched it with me. It was entertaining. Then the stuff with Fred happened and I lost enthusiasm for it. But the stuff with Connor and Cordelia was…particularly impactful, I would say.

Twilight was a huge part of it but it was also pretty much the last piece of vampire fiction I read and retained in any way. Interview with the Vampire and Dracula were both attempted, and I liked Interview well enough, but I wasn’t quite ready for Dracula and didn’t retain it. In my adult years I’ve read a few more vampire books (Fred the Vampire Accountant, The Reformed Vampire Support Group), but. Can’t really fight the formative years, and here they are.

[transienturl]

there is a sizable subset of the ultra-enthusiast tumblr community who (reasonably, in cases, given the circumstances) have been convinced by the sheer volume of tumblr-related discourse that is driven away from factual considerations by the victim complex, the need to have an enemy, and an external imagination of how websites work that doesn't hold up to scrutiny. I don't think that's debatable. I see the volume as a tragedy and a bit of a disappointment (it will always happen but I do think we can do better) and am sympathetic to the people who accept it uncritically, if somewhat concerned (I imagine this kind of thing extends into the non-internet world).

but yeah, like. I enjoy working on the XKit projects, and that's why I do it. I enjoy doing support for them, too—I don't have a way of counting it, but gosh, I must send 50-100 messages a month responding to inquiries, giving tutorials, etc. okay I actually have no idea what the number is. but anyway.

admission: it's not nearly as fun when some huge percentage of the posts you're responding to are just laced with this stuff. "1-starring the app will make tumblr better!" "staff broke xkit on purpose!" "I know the reason behind changes I don't like and they are malicious/ignorant!" "it would be easy to fix [x thing] and it is not fixed so someone is out for me!" (there are more nuanced ones too but those are all pretty unambiguously false examples.) again, I see why people repeat these things because they are so darn prevalent, often from people you trust.

this is a site about sharing things that resonate with you. feeling like you're mostly helpless against a big power without your best interests at heart is deeply relatable. I get that. it's still annoying though.

I don't know to what degree I have the power to change any of this? maybe to some degree I can pull the "I'm half or more of the XKit development for at least the past year" card and maybe that has some weight re: making people see my perspective as coming from "being on the side of the users," blaze some posts maybe, but I dunno, man.

Feels like a weird thing to really lean into, on the one hand. And public comms stuff is a ton of work. On the other hand, I guess it would be silly if I didn't ever pull that card and eventually just quit if it didn't seem worth dealing with. I don't think that would kill the XKit projects, but... okay yeah I'm just saying that because it's nice to be optimistic. I have zero idea if it would or not.

[pixlokita]

Ten asks part … idk I’m losing count of these

(ﾉ≧ڡ≦)✨

Why DOES EVERYONE DO THIS ? This is like the fourth time 😭😭😭 please- @chickenmilk120

They were so bored 😔 then they signed up for more than what they bargained for TTwTT but ? Maybe seeing Greg survive the horrors will let them move on peacefully later ??? Them just spying on the three star fam and Freddy knowing is kinda hilarious to think about

@krispenelopebacon ayyy I’m responding this even later than when you sent the ask it’s good >> he didn’t really think much about it but it definitely felt weird to be in pain and bleed, he was super uncomfortable and possibly overstimulated from it even after it got treated, all the feelings and senses can be overwhelming when you’re used to being a robot without a nervous system.

@emotionalflamingo Jeremy possessing Glamrock Bonnie would be so perfect :v since fronnie is canon I think ? Anyway >> yeah he is old xD gosh darn, even as a zombie if he had met Gregory in security breach he would be more like grandpa age really

@imanol2409 hola ^^ si, la verdad me cuesta dibujar en este momento pero definitivamente quiero continuar la historia al poder :’> CC tiene muchos nombres y ya me decidí por uno pero me gusta el chiste de que nadie sabe cual es >>

@reallyorginalname1 I’m not even sure myself ? Was he a human ? Is he an experiment? Is he a really smart bear ? We might never know … he also speaks Spanish for the record but all my Gregorys do ^^ just a fun fact

@willthemechanist Aw ;0; yes you may! He will make a mess of it tho he can’t use a spoon :’v poor thing will need a bath afterwards

@justmchell yeah basically 😭 he’s just screaming high pitched and wiggling to escape but eventually gives up and falls asleep lmao

Had to look up what that means :0 maybe to an extent ? His brain does register everything as a game but unlike when he was GGY he knows there’s consequences to killing so he’s still very destructive and will even harm people if he has to but never kills even if it’s a game :> that’s the one rule he won’t break after what he did the last time he was brainwashed

@avtfol BAJDBJD axolotl are so silly no braincells xD def fits 👌yeah he could have a British accent honestly everyone did keep telling him he was speaking weird because at first I wanted it to be like he just dropped the accent and was talking like Freddy does, but some dubs just kept it and it still sounds funny and nice ? Like a mix of both ;w; it’s up for interpretation ^^ love learning about how other people picture things 💖

[syrips]

hello im gonna pin this post

hello my name is Syrips, im a super duper simp and simp/self-insert enabler for others who love strahd or any cos/ravenloft/fictional characters

im 28, but i sometimes say im thirty as a vague response because its easier and faster to say (or safer to say to strangers)

i think i am autistic but i am currently only self-diagnosed; i plan to tell my doctors once i compile a binder of reasons why i think im autistic based on noted events in my childhood, behavior, and my reflected perspective on things in pages of charts and text which is a totally neurotypical thing to do

im genderfluid and i am fine with any and all pronouns (different people may use different/changing/fluid pronouns on me, i am completely fine with this)

im polyamorous and pansexual/panromantic, i gush over games that have polyamory/pan options!!

i have huge CoS/Ravenloft spoilers so please, PLEASe do not enter unless you are fine with being spoiled with all kinds of content. i also wont explain what is or isnt 'canon' because, well, some things may be canon for one person, while potential/not-canon for another, so i really cannot confirm or deny it myself.. ask your DM for confirmation! (and for my players who are here, hehe, goodluck figuring it out!)

i do music, art, crafting, and streaming sometimes, here is my linktree: https://linktr.ee/syrips

please 'ask'/message/send me any and all of your curse of strahd and/or ravenloft works of art! this can include these and more!:

playlists

moodboards

art/portfolio/link to your art or artblog

pages of your OC/PC/dnd lore (both player and DM welcome)

campaign/session notes and storytime

canon and potential-/home-/head-canon dumps

narrations/imagines/ao3/google docs/fanfic/fic writings

cool crafts!!

i crave it more than strahd craves blood, please and thank you!

you can also send me stuff and let me know if you want me to gush/simp over it, provide advice, or simply acknowledge it (publicly or privately)! let me know in advance cuz i dont want to make you uncomfortable with what you share

i have no limits on triggering fictional content, just make sure to tw it properly if it is sensitive content for others

my Ask thingy is always open, i may ramble alot if i get passionate enough though so be warned! hehe

ok goodbye ill edit or change this whenever idk

Edit Entry 1 - 11th Moon, 2023

for context, keita/raze (he/him) is my irl partner. he's been a simp for alucard (castlevania) longer than i've begun simping for strahd. i only discovered this years into the relationship when we watched castlevania (where i expected to be a bigger simp for castlevania), and instead HE made high pitch simping noises as alucard appeared on the screen and i was like -sus eyes- wait a GOSH DARN MINUTE-. also, keita has a thing for necks. i shrugged it off when he first told me, but years later i started simping for strahd and now i look back at that moment like 'hm. odd.-'. anyways, i mostly started dating him because he sounds like a kermit the frog southern guy who goes 'howdy howdy' and he says 'i should be golden' unironically and i think thats pretty funny

i tag stuff as #making a keita tag so when keita presses this he can see all the stuff that he likes so that i can organize stuff and incase he ever decides to poke around my blog and use this tag search within my blog

Edit Entry 2 and 3 - 12th Moon, 2023

syrips OC/PC list (loosely alphabetical)

Other People's Adored OC/PC list (loosely alphabetical)

Edit Entry 4 - 7th Moon, 2024

hi huge warning that im fucking WEIRD. like i know people may enjoy the idea of me for entertainment/indulgence purposes but please please. if you ask/tell me to do something, i will 90%-chance take it seriously and respond bluntly/directly. please take my warnings seriously and please please interact with me responsibly!!

and i already know some would be like, 'oh syrips people always say that. they wanna act unique/special by calling themselves weird'. like. thats fair if people dont believe that but please dont be surprised when freakos start feeling more comfortable/vulnerable around you and you become shocked. like. stop trying to shame/blame freakos for what they've warned since the beginning. please, it's hurtful and disrespectful.

my asks are always open, be as blunt/direct as you want. most of my cws will be with "cw: " before it. let me know if you want me to cw tag something!

i use the #be cringe be free tag for weirdos/freakos/happy/indulgent stuff. this can include stuff that isnt 'cringe', and/or cringe we embrace. it's okay to be cringe. it's okay to say cringe culture is dead. it's okay to not see things as cringe. it's okay to embrace the cringe. it's okay to indulge, to be your favorite version of you. it's okay to indulge, even if it's unfamiliar/scary. i use the tag for moments of doing what makes you happy, regardless if youre unfamiliar with that indulgent feeling. be cringe be free!!

[scuttlingcrab]

Hi! Once you get this, please tell us 5 things you like about yourself. If you've received that already, don't mind skipping the message. You can post it to five other people you follow for them to respond :)

👀

Hello @certifieddilfenjoyer ! 🫡 Thank you for this, I usually don’t do these types of asks but you’re amazing so why the hell not!

Here we goooooo:

1) My sense of humour. I think I’m pretty funny 🤣 Sometimes. My heroes are people like Conan O’ Brien and Larry David. My humour has taught me not to take life too seriously. I like to make people laugh and feel good, so there’s nothing that brings me joy than seeing a smile or sensible chuckle from anyone lol. I will accept a “LMAO” too. 😅

2) Learning to love myself from the inside out. All my anxieties and depression and accepting every quirk and flaw I HATED when I was younger, and understanding that they make me unique. Also learning to love myself when I look in the mirror every day — I’m only going to be 32 once, and in honour of one of my favourite quotes: “I will never have this version of me again, let me slow down and be with her.” ✨

I also had a health scare in late 2020, (lmao time of my life) so just valuing being alive, and taking one day at time.

3) My writing. Really proud of some of the things I’ve started writing again since getting back into fan fiction. Thanks Raphael! 😈✨I wanted to do nothing but be a writer when I was a child but for some reason I stopped when life got in the way or when I had other hobbies and pursuits. So I’m just gosh darn happy to be here, writing again, and maybe I’ll get a book idea out of this. Maybe not! Or a film idea?! Who the hell knows! Even if it’s nothing I’ll be happy — my fan fic ain’t stopping!

4) Where I’ve come from and my career. I’m originally from America and now I live in the U.K. — I’ve been here for 5 years now and fully settled which means I can apply for dual citizenship this year. (Or when I have an extra £1500 lying around lmao, in this economy?! 😐). I always wanted to travel and live abroad but could never afford it growing up. So it blows my mind I’m here now. 😂 I also work in animation — the industry that took me away from my writing dreams! Lol! When I take a moment to step away from my computer or crippling to-do list, it’s actually pretty damn cool how far I’ve come, haha.

5) My style and range of tastes in film, music, books, obsession with Japanese culture, anime, etc., etc., I’m so weird!!! And I love it! I am obsessed with old films and have been in love with various dead men and women through out my entire life, lol. Ask me about William Powell or Katharine Hepburn, I’ll talk your ears off. I also love all types of music from Japanese Jazz, City Pop, Swing Bands like Glenn Miller, to melodic techno and hip hop like A Tribe Called Quest. Also my favourite band of all time is HAIM. 🤣

Thanks again for sending this to me — now back to obsession about Raphael. 😏✨🪦

[chronicbeans]

No Offence to you or anyone else lol

But just imagine trying to Rizz up a literal house... And I thought getting rizzed up by puppets were bad.

And on a different note, I can totally see Wally practicing flirting with Home and Home giving genuinely good and useful feedback 😭

LOL NONE TAKEN BUD! I think it is a bit silly. To be fair, I don't like Home in that sense. I think the CLOSEST I have gotten to trying to fix up a house is Maison Talo from House Hunted, but he's at least popular enough to get on the Sexypedia and he has a human form (in a way. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who is now suddenly interested in trying to rizz up houses-).

Now for the puppets I have absolutely no excuse even idk why I like Wally Darling so much. He is like NOT EVEN CLOSE to my usual type in fictional men.

I think everyone should be able to laugh at themselves sometimes, too! I was actually just joking with my sibling about my most recent post, saying something like "GOSH DARN IT! MY LIFE IS FALLING APART, BRUH! I'VE HIT ROCK BOTTOM AND AM NOW WRITING HEADCANONS FOR UNINTENTIONALLY RIZZING UP YOUR NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE!" So, yeah. In short, I don't mind if people think it's silly or weird! I have fun writing it, at least! OwO

[complexhaystack]

I just started binge watching The Mentalist, like 15 years too late. And it's such a damn good show!!!!

A real solid good team with incredible members, each of them bringing a great touch to the team. Jane is such an interesting protagonist - so upbeat and cheeky, but with such darkness. Lisbon is a kickass, strong, protective and amazing leader, and the only one who can actually rein Jane in. Cho is hilarious with his deadpan humour and a solid interrogator. Rigsby and Van Pelt are adorable, though perhaps I need to watch more to see them grow from the shy big guy and go-getter newbie in the episodes to come. But all members are so very endearing, and I'm glad to read that Jane and Lisbon will end up together (hooray!!).

The show has such witty dialogue. Jane definitely has some of the best lines with his schemes but the team's banter and their comebacks to annoying persons of interest are awesome. Cho often saying the stuff that makes me lol - "Impressive. The best I can do with a phone call is get pizza." 😂

Also, the show has real stakes. People close to them get hurt and die. I'm glad the core team is relatively safe so far and hope it'll be so for the rest of the seasons.

And shamoley Red John is a great villain. Written very well. I dunno how it all ends yet but so far the Red John eps really keep things on edge, and it's sad to see our heroes keep being several steps behind.

I admit I didn't like Bosco - it was creepy that a much older boss who was married was in love with Lisbon. But the impact his death had on Lisbon was sad, and wow the cruelty of what Red John did "for Jane" surprised me.

This show is a true emotional rollercoaster!! :')

I had just stopped watching House - which I had binged the first season of - but stopped halfway at S2 because man, that team is really toxic and unnecessarily dramatic (and House is a terrible boss), even if the stories and characters are interesting. I love quirky characters who are weird geniuses, but I love found family stories even more. So I did not enjoy House as it progressed and the characters turn on each other for dramatic effect - oh and also, it was really quite sexist at many turns. Cannot understand why all the women have to dress sexily in a hospital (women can dress however they like, but if it's practically every scene in the show where a major female doctor pops up, that's just odd and probably a directorial choice), or why House finds it perfectly fine to frequently make off-handed sexual remarks towards the female doctors who just laugh it off (yes he does that to his male staff also but much less frequently).

But The Mentalist... My gosh. Same era, but pretty darn respectful of women. Lisbon and Van Pelt are great characters, and some female persons of interest / criminals are v complex and nuanced. And aww this team is such a great found family!!

I forgot to add... The actors also do a stellar job. The nuances in their expressions and body language are fantastic, particularly Simon Baker and Robin Tunney. Even the one episode characters seem to act really well!

Really loving this show!

[nautilusopus]

2, 8, 13, 17

oh my god i can't fucking copy paste text into this thing FUCKING TUMBLR GOD

a compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom

i had to switch to html mode to get that in i hate it here

uhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk i could see arguments for any of them potentially doing either. mostly i'm just cranky everyone gets the flavour wrong

common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

well it's ffvii so christ where to start

the fact that cloud joins the military in so much fanfic shit and immediately has everyone in soldier fawning over him because he's just so gosh darned cute is fucking infuriating. he was a friendless loser with an abrasive attitude and that is actually massively fucking important to not just his character arc but the plot of the game what are you doing

i don't even know why you'd do that even if you liked the shitty spinoffs. like, doesn't it fucking invalidate how meaningful it was that zack got attached to him in spite of that anyway if everyone likes him? i thought you fuckers liked that shit.

worst blorboficiation

sephiroth. people keep writing him as like........... emotionally self-aware and level-headed enough to help cloud grow and learn to navigate his own anxieties and i'd go "did you even play the fucking game" but i know sadly that for most people in the fandom the answer is literally "no"

god i hate it here i can't believe i missed the days of sephiroth being written as Cold Rational Logicman (which is also wrong and sucks shit but it was closer than therapy speak asshole)

actually while we're here it's also kind of a major fucking plot point that sephiroth didn't know he was an experiment. like it's kind of a big fucking deal that he didn't know he was an experiment. please stop giving him a Dissection Childhood for added whump points. like i get people wanna see him all sad and then go "well no wonder he's angry people were so mean to him" but there's more ways than just dissection that you can have a horrible childhood with your garbage dad

there should be more of this type of fic/art

can i have some fuckin uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh plot

i hate how utterly homogeneous the fic landscape has become and it's not even in service of anything cool. like, fic has always been consistently the same amount of dogshit i'm not saying people were better writers back then lmao let's not kid ourselves, but people would just go for the most wild ambitious shit. you'd never get "the planet gets invaded by lizards who it turns out were wiped out by the cetra and also cloud was secretly like in a goku situation" these days

please just get weird with it i beg of you

[a-queenoffairys]

I finally got around to working on book 3 and I have to say, as weird as the chronicles can get sometimes, I think they did a really great job with the xana possession storyline. (tw for possession/loss of autonomy)

getting to see the gradual progression of xana needing to figure out how to pilot a human body, then how to navigate among other humans and act convincingly like one. and gosh darn these human emotions, why do I care about this person/thing? there's this intense scene where xana kidnaps one of the lyoko warriors and possesses them too (and I'm so happy with how the revised translation of that came out), so then xana is possessing two people at once and is able to impersonate the lyoko warrior so well it only attracts minimal suspicion. the two host bodies didn't get to interact much "on screen" in the end but the details we did get about their interactions were pretty cool, like there's clearly something up with the way they're both acting so in sync, almost like they can read each other's minds, but no one can quite put their finger on it.

I think the written medium just lends itself better to this kind of story (xana hiding the possession and masquerading as the host human) than the TV show ever could, given how we can see what's going on in the minds of the characters. and I guess I'm so accustomed to possessions being a thing in the show that I kinda take them for granted, but the novels really got me invested and thinking about how this would affect both the victims and the people around them, what it would feel like to find out that your mortal enemy has returned and had been using your friend as a vessel for some time, right under your nose. and for both the victims to have lost their autonomy and those days of their lives.

I'm having a hard time putting it into words but it really is one of my favourite story arcs so far and I think it was executed well. I'm a bit bummed that I only have a few chapters left before the possession stuff ends, but it was good while it lasted.

[compassionatereminders]

recently ive realized that people love me for who i am, not my looks. i wear funky mismatched clothes and cut my own hair and have braces with a self done lip piercing. but people dont like me cause of that junk, they like me because of my kindness and humor. they like me for how i remember their favorite color and can tell when they have a bad day. a boy has never liked me only for my looks, theyve liked me for who i am! and that feels wonderful. sometimes i wish i was prettier, so more people in general would like me romantically or be my friend. Everyone gets wrinkly and ugly one day, but ive got my sweet gosh darn tootin personality to fall back on. i dont know why im sharing this, just a weird little epiphany. u da best kat :]

Being loved for who you are hits so much deeper than people being attracted to you because you're conventionally pretty, so you're literally winning life and I love to see it!

[ask-esker]

Hey Esker! Wanna trade secrets for secrets? Or anything you wanna get off your chest? We don't have a stake in whatever is going on with Timber Hearth so if you wanna complain, we're the perfect people to complain to.

(here's a secret: we think you're cool ^v^)

Why thank you stranger! I also think you're pretty cool yourself. Now for secrets, Gossan keeps florting with Porphy (messily if I do say so myself) and they don't know that I can see it from up here (like gosh darn it they should at least make it a little less obvious). Chert's so small because they got hugged to hard as a hatchling, and Gabbro is addicted to marshies.

Also how did ya manage to get that weird face on the radio?

[talentless-witch]

Seeing about fantasy bringing knowledge about actual hope.

Heres my horrible tedtalk about fantasy anime.

Everything was great until the nation of the red haired knight protagonists came.

Then everything went down to ashes, okay not really, but i really liked that trope mostly because man would suffer, kill himself, perhaps be mutilated ,traumatized and beyond repair and hed still have hope over people.

By that i mean that despite the worst case in the world being shown in their face they still have hope that one day people will be at peace and i think thats beautiful especially in this pessimistic times of the year

Now what became annoying was the fact that

1-theyd never acknowledge consequences that theyd face in their journey or just brushed complicated cases like it never even existed, which is a bad lesson

It doesnt even teach you why you should still have hope with those in mind.

2-in so many of these, theyd make them a brat and an idiot, but the worst part is that in 2 years theyd change their entire self, like theyre literally completely different, they suddenly become angel and saints when thats not how it works and theyd see being stupid and kind of bratty has an awful thing, Which imo is an even worse lesson.

Which is erasing your entire being, personality and such from the face of the earth, its okay to grow up, but its also okay if some personality about your past stays with you.

3-Kind of rare but in some of them theyd be straight up not brats, not stupid, but terrible to their friends, its okay to be bratty and not understand some situations, its totally different to just offend and insult your friend in the worst way possible because "you didnt understand" my word did you not understand.

Cue my favorite character from this trope and its not from an anime its from a gosh darn korean videogame, that is pretty much inspired on another anime and its clear as day but ANYWAYS.

I just like him

I LIKE ALL OF HIS GOSH DARN PATHS.

I LOVE RUNIE, LOOKS FUN, ABS, GREAT PONYTAIL, ABS, I WAS OBSESSED WITH RUNE MAGIC ON MY CHILDHOOD, ABS, DID I ALSO MENTION THE ABS

AND THE FACT THAT ELSWORD ACKNOWLEDGES HIS SITUATIONS LIKE. BRO.

I ALSO LIKE THAT although he changes a lot because his journey begins when hes 13 until hes 18 years old and hes a brat and kind of uneducated not straight up stupid(he can be smart at times), HES NOT AN ABSOLUTE BUTT TO HIS FRIENDS AND SOME OF HIS OLD TRAITS REMAIN, LIKE HES NOT ALL PERFECT DANDY ANGEL, HES AN ACTUAL PERSON.

I LOVE WHEN HES BLAND AS ROCKS BUT IN A GREAT WAY, NOT IN THE AWFUL WAY.

HES FINE. NOT THAT FINE I MEAN HES TRYING HIS BEST TO KEEP HIMSELF TOGETHER MENTALLY, BUT HES FINE.

Anyways i love elsword. Yes Thats his name.

Yes I did expect the game to be about a sword made by some mystical power which is called El for sure.

But no thats the name of the character, im not sure whats worse being called dicks mcgee or being called elsword.

.

.

.

I think id choose elsword.

i still have no idea who would name their child after a sword, elesis is a fine name, it may sound weird but not entirely because it sounds like an actual fantasy name, so what is elsword supposed to be and why would you call your child a sword, i dont get that, i really don't, its dumdum but i love him.

Still much better than being called lento, which is slow...IN SPANISH.

Some really smart person on the team really decided to call a npc character knight slow in Spanish and i could never stop laughing about it when i saw that in game.

You can make a bunch of puns with Ran too.

Chung couldn't kill ran because he just "ran" away.

Also IT IS REALLY AWFUL THAT THEY NAMED CHUNGS DAD HAS HELPUTT

BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE HELP MY BUTT

I FEEL AWFUL SAYING THAT CUZ I LOVE CHUNG SM TOO AND HIS DAD IS WHOLESOME TOO HIS DAD IS AN AWESOME DAD.

talking about help my butt and prince.

Lets talk about the lord of hamel

The lord of hamel has never looked more of a presumed entitled rich pompous butt, like i could tell he was a bad dude the second he popped in screen, "the enemy could be anywhere!" Cue the most evil entitled looking person walking down the streets of hamel with the yee yee haircut.

Even the dude in bethma didnt look this evil or pompous, just looked rich and entitled that was it, but the lord of hamel just SCREAMS "YAAASS IM THE EVIL GUY, YAAASS"

Though another character that looks extremely distrusting that NOBODY except for chung and ain coincidentally noticed to perhaps be hiding some shady stuff.

Is add.

I forgot laby also calls him the evil looking guy or villain guy and i have never agreed with a description about add so much.

Anyways thats it.

Thats my tedtalk, for those who read this far, congratulations, you played yourself- do not- read this far its like my obsession and my lazy ass head.

[thebirdsareafterme]

Fandom Etiquette 101: Formula 1 RPF

Just saw a TikTok of someone finding out that the Max Verstappen/Charles Leclerc tag was on AO3’s top 100 ships of 2024 and someone else commented this:

…mate, WHAT??? Are these people okay? Genuinely why would anyone think that this is something that Max, the real person who they are talking about, would be happy about?

First of all, I hope to high heaven that he NEVER finds this out, and that y’all learn some gosh darn FANDOM ETIQUETTE because it’s been atrocious recently. This applies to every ship.

Second of all, y’all realize that these are real human beings, right? Like with girlfriends and wives and relationships? If you found thousands and thousands of stories written about you and your COWORKER on the internet, written by strangers and sometimes about you being in love with them, would you be absolutely overjoyed? Girl, I would be horrified! You people do not know them! This is weird!! This is why we need to learn fandom etiquette, because people need to understand that it would ABSOLUTELY NOT BE COOL if anyone related to the drivers, the drivers themselves, etc. were to find these fics.

BASELINE RULES:

DO NOT SHARE RPF FICS WITH THE PEOPLE THEY ARE ABOUT! I fear this is common sense?? So do not TALK about fics in any vicinity of the drivers or anyone they know, do not SEND it to them via social media, and do not POST about it and tag them. Please, for the love of God, do not do that.

LOCK! YOUR! FICS! The reason why Lestappen made it onto the list this year is because authors are not locking their fics (only unlocked fics are counted towards the total number). Please please please make it AS HARD AS POSSIBLE for people who may know the drivers personally to find these fics. It is your responsibility as a fan to take necessary actions in order to protect fan spaces! (Plus, it stops AI from scraping your work and stealing it for AI systems like c.ai so that's also a bonus.) Only people who are wanting to find your fic should find your fic.

Use appropriate platforms and tagging systems when discussing fics! TikTok is absolutely not the right place to do it, because many drivers and all the teams are on it! They can see what you post! Even if they don’t search for it, it may come up on their FYP. Tumblr, on the other hand, is not widely used by the drivers, or anyone who is not looking SPECIFICALLY for fandom spaces. The tagging system is extensive and can easily be filtered. IF YOU INSIST ON USING TIKTOK/INSTAGRAM, do not use common tags like #f1 or #formulaone because guess what? Mainstream media associated with F1 ALSO use those tags! They don’t want to see your Lestappen smut about the people that they literally work with, and if you were a halfway decent person, you wouldn’t want them to see it either.

The OVERARCHING RULE is this:

Keep it secret, keep it safe.

To clarify, I am not condemning all RPF works. RPF is inevitable, because people are storytellers by nature. Everyone and everything can be shipped on the World Wide Web, and there's nothing inherently wrong about the shipping itself.

Obviously, many people have different views on the moral aspects of it, but for those to who choose to participate in it, there are indeed rules that should be followed. Fandom spaces like AO3 and Tumblr can only exist when people follow the rules and use common sense and human decency to protect our rights to enjoy fandom the way we want to. Please try and treat these drivers like real humans rather than little cartoon characters from a show. They see everything, and it’s probably pretty uncomfortable for them. Even if they don’t see it, it’s likely that someone they know in real life will see it. Please remember that these drivers have siblings, cousins, friends and relatives that have access to the internet. Consider some of the drivers’ younger siblings, like Blue Jaye Verstappen or Hattie Piastri, for example. Would you really want them to find some of the things you’ve written about their siblings?

If RPF is to continue within an internet space, fans need to respect basic rules so that it doesn’t get ruined for everyone. I’m sorry, Lestappen fans, but your ship being up on that list is not a flex. It means you’ve failed, as a collective, to properly take precautions within your fandom space. Many other ships have similar numbers to Lestappen when looking at fics overall (including locked ones), but they’ve never made it on there, for good reason. You SHOULD NOT be up there!

“But whyyyyy?” you may ask. It’s because YouTubers, Tiktokers, and other influencers start talking about it, which puts it at greater risk of someone finding it who ultimately should not find it. The TikTok that I referenced earlier has a ton of views and likes, and I know a quite popular fandom YouTuber has already made a video on it. This seems trivial at first glance, and maybe even a bit exciting that your ship has gotten so much attention, but at the end of the day, these are real people. Please use discretion.

Lock. Your. Fics.

[cerberusthewatchdog]

First Post

Bruh I can’t fucking figure out this hell site. I only barely figured out how to post (do you know how long it took me to find the gosh darn blue pencil thing) and making the account in the first place was a bitch to deal with but I guess all that was worth it to be able to see the inner thoughts of some of these people in my life who have accounts here. I guess that’s what anonymity does. Makes people less afraid to share what’s in their heads. Even if they would share in real life it’s kinda weird to see what they say when it’s just 26 letters edited onto a little rectangle of words, thought out more than talking in that you can delete and reword things as much as you’d like before sending it out. I don’t think I’m on here just for that though. I think I want to use this as a kinda way to think about what I’m thinking more than I would. And I guess it’s shouting into the void a little bit too. For now anyway. But I guess I’m hoping just a little bit for the void to answer back. But even if it doesn’t it’ll still be hanging out there in the abyss forever. That’s one thing I think is funny. The fact the people always tell you to be careful what you put out into The Internet because it will be there Forever but right now to me that just sounds kinda nice, the fact that even if everything I know gets burned to the ground that I could just go to this weird ass site and have these thoughts preserved in my own little cubby of The Internet for me to see whenever. But I don’t know. That could definitely change so I’ll just be careful what I say which is definitely a good idea anyway with all the Creeps and Weirdos out there. But theres also a lot of nice strangers too.

and it would be really nice if somebody could explain Tumblr to me please. I thought I understood but I don’t. Like what is a blaze and how do people see the stuff you post and why are some people here really mean and other people super nice and then other people just really pretentious about everything and also my biggest question which is what the fuck

[countenanceblog]

Chapter 59

Chapter 59

Gwyneth, Aleister, Francisco and Wayne sat on an old dingy couch in a subterranean lair. It was spacious, but unrefined. Herringbone stood in front of them, leaning against his makeshift kitchenette. His mask was still on.

His voice echoed through the scrambler. "Coffee?," he asked his guests. Everyone uniformly nodded.

"What's up with the mask?," Aleister asked. The strange rebel leaned forwards against the countertop.

"Trust me," began Herringbone, "You don't want to see my face. I don't wear this thing for my benefit, I wear it for yours." Francisco raised an eyebrow at him.

"I don't buy it," he told Herringbone.

Gwyneth cut in. "Who cares about the mask? What are we? Why are we here? Why didn't we know?"

Wayne nodded. "More importantly, how in Hel did we find each other? The odds are fucking spectacular."

"No they're not," said Herringbone. "You're gods. Four-dimensional beings, not constrained by the limitations of this reality. At least, not completely. In all likelihood, you chose your own vessels, and knew before incarnating here what your various roles would be. I've done my research."

Francisco was wide-eyed. "Which God am I?"

Herringbone chuckled electrically. "You're the God of the seas and the ice plane, which they call Neptune still. Your name is Nautilus, according to folklore."

Francisco grinned. "I knew it."

Wayne tilted his head sideways. "Knew what, homie? Knew you were Nautilus or knew you were a god? I already know my name, I had to take that class for school, Ancient Mythology. I'm Grindall, the lightning homie, and Gwyneth is Venuzia, the messenger goddess."

Gwyneth looked at Wayne curiously. "Are you hitting on me? Francisco knows he's too short, but you don't seem to understand that." Wayne's eyes bulged.

"Damn, girl, what the fuck? I've never been called short in my life. I'm six foot two. We're the same height."

"Damn near," said Gwyneth.

Herringbone sighed. "Young people with the banter. You're taking up all my gosh darn time." Herringbone cleared his throat. "We have more pressing issues to discuss. You four young gods are not here by mere chance. You were chosen to be the guardians of this realm, to protect it from the forces that seek to control it."

Aleister furrowed his brow, still trying to process everything. "Guardians? Protect from whom?"

Herringbone's voice turned serious. "Elite Tactical, and more importantly Agarthan Intelligence; which almost entirely consists of vampires. They are a dangerous organization with ambitions far beyond this realm. They seek to manipulate and control the gods to bend reality to their will. That's why you must stop them."

Gwyneth looked conflicted. "But, Herringbone, I don't know if I can take another life. It's one thing to defend ourselves, but to go on the offensive and kill more people… I'm not sure I'm capable of that."

Wayne placed a reassuring hand on Gwyneth's shoulder. "We get it, Gwyn, but sometimes, to protect what's right, we have to make tough choices. These people aren't just after us; they're after everyone in this realm. We can't let them wreak havoc."

Francisco looked disinterested. "I'm actually starting to feel weird about it too. After all, after we displayed our power so thoroughly, don't you think ET and AI might lose interest? What if the experience, what do you call it, dissension in their ranks." Herringbone wagged a finger.

"Dissent. Vampires don't have that problem. They were created by the goddess Hel, to be her servants. She's here, too, in mortal form, just like you. She's the moon goddess, and she appears to have turned completely evil."

Aleister piped up. "Who is she?"

"She's a friend of yours, Aleister," said Herringbone. "Her name is Elizabeth Somerset." The four young gods gasped. "You use her name every time you stub your toe."

Aleister's heart sank as Herringbone revealed the identity of the moon goddess, Hel, or Beth as he had known her. The memories of their recent intimacy flashed in his mind, making him feel contempt and betrayal. He couldn't believe that the woman he had shared a connection with was their main enemy. His mind was in turmoil, torn between the memories of their time together and the reality of the situation. The weight of their recent encounter now felt like a heavy burden on his shoulders.

Trying to conceal his inner turmoil, Aleister cleared his throat and asked, "Herringbone, how did Beth become the queen of the vampires? She did this all in 4D?"

Herringbone adjusted his mask, his eyes fixed on Aleister. "The details are still unclear, but it seems that Elizabeth's body was somehow chosen by Hel herself to take on the role of the vampire queen. She gained control of the Unseelie Court, as it is called, on the basis of their prophecies. You see, the vampires seek to upend those."

Gwyneth put a reassuring hand on Aleister's shoulder. "We'll figure this out, Aleister. Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault. We'll find a way to save her."

Aleister appreciated the support, but he couldn't shake off the guilt and anger within him. He felt like he had been used, and the pain stung deep. "I don't know if I can face her again, Gwyn. How can I look her in the eyes after I slept with her? And of course, she used me like a dildo."

Wayne leaned in, his voice gentle yet resolute. "Aleister, we all have to make difficult choices, especially in times like these. But remember, we'll be with you every step of the way. Even if you have to kill your girlfriend."

Francisco added, "She might still have some part of the old Beth inside her. Or, something decent, anyway."

Herringbone chimed in, "Indeed, there might be a way to break through the darkness that's consumed her. But first, we have to deal with Elite Tactical and Agarthan Intelligence. They are the immediate threat, and we cannot let them succeed in their plans."

Aleister took a deep breath, trying to gather his strength. "You're right. We have to stop them. And if there is a chance to save Beth, I will do whatever it takes."

Gwyneth smiled at Aleister, her faith in him evident. "We'll find a way, Aleister. One way or the other."

[lucyandthepen]

a lesson on style - v . [ ljn | njm ]

pt. i, pt. ii, pt. iii, pt. iv.,  pt. v, pt. vi

you’ve always been content with being associated with one word and one word only: average. average in looks, academics and social skills, you’re just looking to graduate high school without causing disasters you’ll have to live with until you kick the bucket. when you’re paired with school king lee jeno for the semester-long physics thesis, you can’t help but think the entire situation has pretty much set itself up for failure. that is, until you strike a deal with your partner. alternatively: an au tale involving lessons in popularity, eleven consecutive B­ minuses, a secretly sensitive, chess­-loving jock, and an amateur sex tape.

pairing: jeno x fem!reader, jaemin x fem!reader    verse: high school au { jocks!nomin ft. a super cute whiny ap physics genius renjun }  rating: M for sexual themes ( there are allusions to sex but no explicit smut! ) chapter warnings: none!  word count: 10.9k

author’s note: is this twice as long as any other chapter? yes. do i believe it might be twice as devastating? also yes. side note, i sincerely hate proofreading and the thing i hate the most is trying to figure out where i applied italics and stuff because it doesn’t transfer over from google docs to this gosh darn tumblr text editor and i refuse to use the weird beta one so if anyone has any ideas on how to retain it please lmk :^(

tagging: @justalildumpling, @spiderrenjunfics

It’s a yes or no question, you tell yourself. It’s literally one answer, one word — yes or no. And you don’t even have to second-guess it, because you know the truth, and it’s not a complicated one. It shouldn’t be that difficult to answer.  With Jeno looking at you, though, you feel a little off-kilter, as per usual. Still, even with his gaze on you, you think that your response should be as normal, calm, and truthful as possible.

What comes out of you is a derisive laugh that clearly shocks the both of you.

“Wh — dating you — I wouldn’t — that’s preposterous,” you splutter out, gripping your laptop so tightly that you actually hear the bottom of I make a soft sound as the metal tightens. You’ve never used the word preposterous in any real life conversation, and it’s clear Jeno hasn’t heard it in a similar context either because he looks at you weird.  

“I mean, I’m not saying I’m mad about it,” he goes on. “I’m just wondering why he’d say that, unless you said something.”

“He — I — he — he’s crazy. All smart people are loopy,” you laugh again, and it sounds even grosser this time, with your voice going up really high and breathy like you’re being strangled to death. Which, come to think of it, you’re pretty much doing to yourself, figuratively. “That had no basis whatsoever. I would — I would never. Ever.”

“Never… date me?” His eyebrows shoot up so high they almost touch his hairline.

“Yes! I mean — no, no! I mean, I would definitely not say that we were dating when we’re obviously—” you laugh derisively again, which just causes Jeno to look even more confused. “We are clearly, obviously, clearly not. Not dating.”

“Obviously,” he repeats simply.

“Yes. That’s… I mean, obviously, I would date you, like in the hypothetical way, because… I mean, why not? but we — you know. We’re not. Dating. Definitely not.” Your heart rate, thankfully, is starting to decline from the thousand beats per second it had been going in; Jeno’s eyebrows are also calming down. “Right?”

“Right,” he confirms slowly.

“Right. So. I didn’t say we were to him. Or anyone. Nothing.”

“Oh, okay,” he finally says after a moment of silence. “That was just… plain out of the blue, then.”

“Totally,” you agree wholeheartedly. “So, so weird.”  

“Okay,” he shifts his position now, turning more deliberately towards you; you instinctively grip your laptop tighter, pressing it harder against your stomach. The bottom corners dig in, and in your peripheral vision, you can see that you’ve been pressing the A key down for so long that you have an AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA in your chat box with Renjun and he’s typed out a very concerned and confused WHAT IS TAKING YOU SO LONG TO TYPE. You move your thumb away from the keypad. “Sorry for the sudden question. I just wanted to clarify because, you know, I don’t want anyone else to think we are yet, or anything. And I definitely don’t want Huang Renjun attacking me for the wrong things, considering his track record.”

Your heart suddenly skids to a stop at the yet. He’d said it so offhandedly you were sure he wasn’t giving it much thought, but to you, this kind of felt like one of those weird, fever-induced dreams you had, except it seemed to be going fairly well as long as you didn’t factor in just how much you’d blubbered just now.  

“Um. Right,” is all you can say.

“That being said,” he jams his hat back onto his head, which is ludicrous considering he’s inside, but it just makes him look cuter, and you’ve never minded that. “Thanks for saying you’d date me. Hypothetically.”

“Oh — that. Right. You’re welcome,” you reply, and you desperately want to ask if he’d also hypothetically date you, but you sort of also don’t really want to know the answer. In the moment that it takes for you to tell your brain to quiet down, he claps his hands, startling you a little.

“All right. So. Project. Proposal. Graduating.” He points to your laptop, and you nod vehemently, shifting it against your stomach a little to make sure he doesn’t see the chat box with Renjun. “Let’s get to it, then.”

You hurriedly exit your internet browser and open a blank Word document. It kicks off slowly, with you taking a good fifteen minutes to format the title page because you’re not sure which citation style to use and also because you can’t stop thinking about the previous conversation, which causes you to misspell both your names wrongly. Luckily, Jeno doesn’t say anything, even though he clearly sees your blunders; the fact that he is clearly attempting to be interested (or pretending really well to be) in getting things done allows you to pick up a slightly more comfortable pace of discussion later on. He even agrees to do a lot of the supposed heavy lifting in the experimentation phase, which involves playing musical instruments, and you volunteer to do the mathematical work, which is the only thing you think you’ll be able to do in that part of the experiment anyway.  

Everyone in your house is up at this time, so it gets increasingly louder as the hours move on. There’s some kind of intermittent yelling coming from your brothers’ room that could either be Jiho gaming or Jiho getting strangled, but no one seems too alarmed apart from Jeno, who learns to let it go once you tell him that your other brother is in there with him and is probably the one strangling him, if the latter scenario is true. Either way, your dad comes out, banging on their room door to keep it down, which adds to more of the noise pollution.

Sooyeon also makes it down later than everyone else, dressed but still clearly out of sorts, stopping mid-yawn when she sees you and Jeno sitting together as you’re trying to drag out an explanation of what the significance of the study is.

“Oh. Good morning,” she sidles over to you, sitting on the arm of the couch next to you to peek over your shoulder at your laptop; you know she’s not really interested in your work, but her inherent nosiness makes her acting so natural. “What are you guys working on?”

“Physics term project.”

“Oh, right. You mentioned you guys were partners. How’s it going?”

“It’s going… well. Fine.” You bend your laptop’s monitor down halfway so she stops looking.

“Oh, I know you,” Jeno suddenly snaps his fingers, pointing his finger at her. Your sister looks up, beaming. “You’re on the cheerleading team. I’ve been trying to figure out who you look like since last year,” he turns to you, amused. “Can’t believe it took me this long. Small world. Hey, how come you’re not on the cheerleading team?”

“Because she wouldn’t give up Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo for late-night cheer practice,” your sister reasons out for you before you can find a cooler (and less honest) excuse. “Hey, dad’s taking me to the mall. Do you need anything? We’re also picking up lunch, so Jeno oppa, if you’re staying for lunch, the cuisine choice is all yours.”

“Raincheck,” you deflate at Jeno’s response. “I’m supposed to be having lunch with my sister. Thanks for the offer, though.”

“Can you get me a new USB drive?” You weigh in. “And not the crappy Daiso kind.”

“Okay. Text me so I don’t forget. Not now,” Sooyeon pushes down your hand before you can pick up your phone. “Wait ten minutes, then text me. Hey, dad, can we get tangsuyuk today?”

Your dad is by the door, two brothers in tow, having probably convinced them to leave the house as well, and Sooyeon joins them, pushing them all out hurriedly. You don’t miss the fact that she winks at you just before closing the door, and you resist waving her away.

“You… have a really big family.” Jeno finally speaks up again once you’re alone.

“Yeah. Sorry. It would have been worse if my mom were here. She might have tried to adopt you.”

“Jaemin’s mom technically has first dibs,” he lifts a hand to his face, rubbing his eyes a little aggressively. “Do you think we can call time of death on this for today? My eyes are falling out of my skull.”

“Sure; I can finish up the conclusion anyway. It’s just… repeating everything we said, but really fast. I’ll just e-mail you a copy for safety.” You save the document as he nods, working your trackpad so you can open your NAVER mail account and attach the file. Your fingers hover over the keyboard, suddenly feeling like an idiot. “Uh… sorry, but I just realized I don’t have your e-mail address.”

“Oh. Yeah,” he reaches out, and you retract your hands quickly, planting them firmly onto your lap. He starts typing away, pressing send and turning the laptop back to you with a satisfied groan. “Cool. So — serious question. Why aren’t you on the cheerleading team if your sister is?”

“Well, I was going to come up with a great excuse, but since I got ratted out — I don’t really like staying in school late. Plus, they practice on rainy days, which is not my thing.”

“I mean, we do too on the football team, and it’s usually fine. It’s weird; do you not dance? Or… I don’t know, cheer, or whatever?”

“I mean, I don’t fail PE, or anything. I just… never had the interest.” You admit, shutting down your laptop.

“I could talk to Jimin — you know, the captain? We’re pretty close.” He pauses, then adds an afterthought. “She’s dating one of the other guys on my team.”

“Who?”

“I’ve told you about Jisung, right? That enormous tree of a guy with the small face?”

“Kind of weird for a guy as tall as you to call a similarly tall guy a tree…” you trail off, and he laughs — laughs! Score for your unintended humor. “But yeah, I’ve seen him around.”

“Yeah, so they’re a thing. Anyway, what was I sayi — oh, yeah. If you want me to talk to her, give you a shot at it, I think she’d be open to it. You don’t have to be a gymnast or anything, I’m pretty sure.”

“That’s a really nice gesture, but I’ll pass.”

Jeno sighs, leaning back onto the couch and lifting one of his legs to cross it casually over his knee. He looks at you disapprovingly, which is a little terrifying until you realize he’s feigning it because his lips are curling up a little. So cute. “Come on, _______________. Okay — lesson number one.”

“What?” You’re at a loss, and you don’t bother hiding it this time. “Lesson?”

“I told you I’d help you get more popular, right?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think we were having lectures and quizzes.”

“No quizzes,” he corrects you. “Lectures, very brief. Five minutes tops. I have no time to grade anything.”

“Well let me just—” you grab your phone, trying to navigate to the voice memos app, but he takes it from you and plants it back onto the table. You note how his fingers brush yours briefly, leaving you frozen, your hand still shaped around a phone that isn’t in your grasp anymore.

“No need to record anything. Note taking is for nerds. Just listen to me. Be in the moment. Absorb it,” he instructs. “First lesson in being popular: don’t turn down things that will make you more popular.”

“Okay, that one was fairly obv — what are you doing?”  

“I’m texting,” he really is, unlocking his phone and scrolling through his contacts before he starts tapping away on his phone screen. “I told you; I’m sure Jimin will be more than happy to —“

“Wait — okay, stop, stop,” it’s your turn to seize his phone from him, but you don’t do so very smoothly, and it ends up falling midway from him to you, wedging itself into a crack in your couch cushions. Jeno doesn’t really seem like he minds in particular, but he does offhandedly reprimand you for it.

“You’re being a horrible student.”

“I’m not — look, no, thank you for… you know, going the extra mile to ask for me,” you fish his phone out of the couch, making sure to exit the messaging app. “But I can’t join the cheerleading team.”

“Why not? It’ll make you infinitely cooler. Is it because your sister’s on it? Because we can get her kicked out if you really want —“

“Wh— no, I don’t want my sister kicked out!” You raise your voice in tandem with your palm, and he desists, a little surprised at how loud you’ve gotten. “I’m just saying that it’s the last semester of high school. There’s no point in me joining. I won’t even last a full year on that team.”

Jeno falls silent, suddenly struck by the logic in your words. “Huh. I guess you’re right. I didn’t think about that.”

Now that you feel like it’s kind of safe, you perch his phone back onto his thigh, and he takes it, slipping it between his legs without a second thought. You try hard not to think about how his phone may have brushed against his… never mind.

“So I… you know, I appreciate what you wanted to do for me. Really; it was… extremely cool of you,” you say with utmost sincerity. “But as a plan, I feel like… there might be better ones.”

“That’s true,” he agrees. “But the lesson still stands. The things I recommend that you do, I really feel like you should do them.”

“I promise this’ll be the last time I reject your suggestions.”

“Cool. Well — we just have to think about what else we could do to help you get up that ladder.” He looks up at your ceiling, a little wistful, and you feel so useless that you just busy yourself with shutting your laptop down. This sudden silence drags on until he snaps your fingers and you start, turning your attention back to him. “Oh, I know. You can come to this party I’m throwing next week.”

“You’re throwing a party?”

“Yeah. I just thought about doing it. Like, right now.”

This time, you don’t even have to try to push away the idea that he’d just thought to throw a party for you; a surge of unpleasant memories arises to do the job. The last party you’d been to was back in middle school, and it had ended with you skidding across the floor because someone had puked on it. You were only lucky that the extremely furious parents who actually owned the house and didn’t know that there would be a party in their living room had caught you before you’d broken something of theirs.

You remember Jeno had been there. He was in a different section at that time, and you’d never spoken with him; in fact, you’re fairly certain you hadn’t known his name back then. But even so, he was still the coolest kid in attendance. Everyone liked that kid that was extremely tall and good-looking and also knew how to play the electric piano.

“That’s… cool.” You inhale a little reluctantly, and Jeno cottons on, looking at you warily. “It’s just… you know. Parties. They get messy. People get drunk. Puke. Make out.”

“Yeah. That’s what they’re for.”

“Not really my scene. Especially the puking part.”

“Oh god, I remember I was at this party once in middle school. Some kid had puked in the middle of the living room and some other poor chick had slipped on it. Hilarious.”

“Ha,” you feign laughter, and it sounds disgustingly dry. “Hilarious, yeah. Can’t remember that happening, but I’m sure that was super funny.”

“Come on. It’ll be fine. Besides, you said you wouldn’t reject any of the other stuff I recommended.” He tilts his head like he’s asking, but his face is pretty resolute. You wring your hands together, and he notices. “If I promise to make a no-puke rule, will you go?”

You know he’s doing this because he’s fulfilling a part of the bargain; it’s really more of an obligation to him than anything else, and that much is clear. Still, the way he talks, the way that he presses the subject makes it really easy to trick yourself into thinking he actually, really, really wants you there, which creates this huge, almost terrifying and overwhelming wave of elation that muddles you into agreement.

“Okay. I’ll go.” He smiles at your response, and the feeling in your chest just swells to a new height; it’s almost like he’s happy you’re going, or you can at least delude yourself into thinking that much.

“Awesome. I’ll let you know about the details, although it’ll probably be at Jaemin’s.”

You point to the opposite side of your house, in the general direction of your neighbor’s lot. “That Jaemin?”

“The one and only.”

“I guess it’s cool if I don’t have to look for a ride.”

“You can still hop into my car. Make a grand entrance. People will love that.”

“That’s okay,” you laugh again, but this time, it sounds genuine, to your relief. “But is Jaemin going to be okay with it? His parents?”

“Yeah, it’ll be fine. They all love me,” he chuckles. “Jaemin won’t say no, anyway. It’s not like we can have it at my place.”

“Why… not?” You suddenly get flashbacks of Jaemin calling you nosy, but you shake him and his loud laugh off once Jeno starts talking.

“Too small. Not good for entertaining. You guys would probably have to eat dinner in my bedroom.” He says lightly, jamming his cap back onto his head just as his phone starts ringing, a light blinking from in between his thighs. He looks down at his phone briefly before turning his attention back to his cap, making sure his bangs aren’t flattened by the rim. “That’s my sister. I’m supposed to pick her up from work. I have to get going, but hey — I’ll see you next week?”

“Yeah, definitely,” you stand with him, and he grabs his backpack before patting his pockets to make sure if he has everything valuable to him. You walk him to the door, opening it for him, and he steps out into your driveway, walking towards his car. You stand by the doorway, hugging your laptop. The assumption is that he’s just going to drive off, but he turns around as he opens the driver’s side door, pointing a finger at you like he’s just remembered something. You freeze in place, once again squishing your laptop close to you so hard that it makes a noise.

“You should probably text your sister about that USB drive, by the way.” he reminds you with a small smile before folding his enormous body and climbing into the car.

You don’t even have the opportunity to say anything because he’s shut the door behind him. Through the tinted glass, you see one pale palm move; it takes you a second to realize he’s waving at you. Your hand instantly shoots up, waving back at him as he pulls out of the driveway and back into the road.  

You wait for his car to zoom out of sight before you close the door, red in the face and ready to explode with joy.

Lee Donghyuck gives you back your proposals with a smile on his face near the end of the next physics class. Technically, he smiles like that all the time because he’s required to, but his grin looks a lot more genuine as he approaches you with your proposal, which Jeno takes from him.

“Cool topic,” he even comments, pointing a finger to the huge B-minus on top of the paper that’s circled in red ink. “You guys need to work a little on the content development, though, but it’s just the proposal. If you guys work even harder on other requirements, you’ll ace it.”

You seriously don’t think he expects you to actually ace anything, but you appreciate the quick pep talk, especially since Jeno actually looks impressed.

“I would have never thought I would have gotten a B-minus in anything for this class,” he whistles under his breath. You smile at him, not bothering to add the fact that B-minus isn’t as breathtaking of an achievement. Still, you think that if you can push each other — and also maybe Renjun into helping you out here and there — you might at least secure him a slot into the graduating class.  

You’ve gotten used to parting ways with everyone else in the class to have lunch together with Renjun, and even on days when Physics classes fall before lunch, you only linger a minute longer than usual to accord Jeno the traditional gaze of longing that he doesn’t notice before dashing off. This time, though, as you’re gathering your books and making to leave, Jeno stands up with you, slinging his bag over his shoulder.  

And there they are — the words you’ve always wanted to hear from him. Well, some of them.

“Want to walk to the cafeteria together?”

You look around to make sure he’s not calling out to anyone else, which becomes clear once you realize the only other person who’s left behind is Lee Donghyuck, and he doesn’t even turn at the sound of Jeno’s voice.

“Really?” You can’t even mask the elation in your voice, which just spikes when you see the corners of Jeno’s lips turn up slightly in amusement. “Yeah — yeah, okay.”

No one actually looks at you while you walk next to him in the cafeteria; the probability is that his height eclipses yours so much that you don’t even look that noticeable, and neither of you is causing a scene, which is always a great bonus. You have to take two steps for every one of his, but you also notice that he’s taking a much slower pace than usual, which can only mean that he’s making sure you can keep up.

You spot Renjun at your usual table, reading Lee Ho Cheol’s Panmunjeom anthology, which he’d posted about on his Facebook status over the weekend. The feeling of being able to like his statuses again was fairly nice, and you’d given it the little heart reaction. On instinct, your feet carry you towards him until you feel a warm hand wrap around your forearm. It covers more than half of that part of your arm, so it can’t be anyone’s but Jeno’s, and you look up in total shock as he stares down at you with equally strong confusion.

“Where are you going?” He asks, genuinely perplexed.

“What… are you doing…” you breathe out, feeling a little faint. He doesn’t notice that you look like you’re close to drooling on him since he’s starting to steer you away from Renjun. “What…”

“Table’s this way,” he says plainly, like this should be obvious to you. You can see that he’s headed towards where he normally sits, which is already filled with people, laughing loudly and talking over one another. You jerk your head back to Renjun, who has noticed you now and is watching you with an unreadable expression over the top of his book, half of his face hidden.

“Um — yeah, but I just thought —“

“Okay, so second lesson — don’t write this down,” he stops you from reaching into your pocket to bring out a pen. “If you want to be popular, you need to make sure you surround yourself with equally popular people.”

“Are these rules stuff you just sort of make up on the go, or…?”

He gives you an amused and patronizing look. “Obviously.”

“Okay — okay, but can’t Renjun sit with us?”

“He can if he’s not just going to ignore everyone by reading his book. Or if he’s not going to make any mean comments about anyone.”

You open your mouth, ready to promise he’s not going to, but you’re struck by the realization that he might just sit there and finish Panmunjeom without even saying hello. Even if he didn’t, you can’t guarantee that Renjun will be pleasant around everyone being noisy all at once about things he doesn’t really care about. Being pleasant around one person — Jeno — is already kind of a herculean task for him.  

“Yeah, okay, fine. But can’t I at least tell him I’m sitting here?”

Jeno slowly releases your hand, nodding. You try not to make it too obvious that you’re disappointed at how quickly that moment of contact had come and gone. “Yeah, okay. I’ll get my food and save you a seat, then.”

You wait for him to walk towards the cafeteria line, noticing that a couple of freshmen give way so he can go first; you can tell he smiles at them because they giggle as he walks by and grabs a tray. Making a beeline for Renjun, you also see that he suddenly lifts his book higher to cover his face, probably to hide the fact that he hasn’t flipped a page since.

“Hey,” you say, and he puts the book down, looking disgustingly innocent in his fake surprise.

“Hey. When did you get here?”

“Just now,” you slip into the chair across from him. “What’s for lunch?”

“Something they say is bulgogi but might be yesterday’s fake steaks cut into really thin pieces.”

“Okay, cool,” you don’t even look at the bowl when he tilts it your way so you can see. “Anyway, um, I really hope you don’t mind, but Jeno asked me to sit with him today for lunch.”

“Oh.” Renjun takes a bit of bulgogi on his fork, examining it with feigned interest before popping it into his mouth, chewing slowly. “I see.”

“It’s just for today. I promise. Are you — is that okay?”

He studies your expectant face, thumb brushing over the spine of his book. Your fingers are knotted on the table like you’re praying.

“Yeah, it’s okay,” he finally concedes. “I said I’d support you… so… this is me. Supporting. You. The both of you. If that’s already a thing.”

“It’s not, but you’re the best,” you reach out, giving his hand a squeeze. He mutters something that sounds like I know, taking his hand back and using it to shut his book.  

“But we’re still going to see Love and Thunder  this Saturday, right?” He confirms.  

“Ye— oh, wait,” his expression darkens considerably when you backtrack, looking a little sheepish. “I think I might have something to do over the weekend, so I can’t really make any promises right now.”

“Dude, seriously? It’s the movie of the year. What could be more important than three hours of Marvel hero ass-kicking?”

“Well, it’s just,” you drum your fingers against the table, trying to think of a less direct way to phrase such a basic statement. You come up with nothing, so you just come clean. “There’s a party…”

“You hate parties,” Renjun replies immediately. “You’ve haven’t been to one since middle school.”

“I know that, but —“

“Do you? Does it make sense that you know that you hate parties but are thinking of going to one anyway?”

“Well — you know. Jeno invited me.”

Renjun makes a slightly sour face, but it isn’t directed at you; he’s looking at Jeno, probably, seated a little way away. You turn to look apologetically at him, but you notice that he’s already looking your way, his eyes narrowed in effort like he’s trying to read your lips from this distance but can’t.

“What if something bad happens? Parties aren’t exactly the safest, cleanest, least traumatic events in the world,” Renjun points out. “You could turn someone’s house into a puke slip ’n slide again.”

“Or,” you raise a finger. “Is this the party I could go to so that I can forget about that event that happened ages ago and, thus, free myself from that trauma?”

“Thus? What is happening to you?” He shakes his head, fingers coming up to knead at his brow. “But — so no Love and Thunder?”  

“We can go the day after.”

“You’re not going to be too hungover?”

“No, of course not. Besides, it’s going to be at Jaemin’s house. If it gets too much, I can just walk home.” You can see he’s softening at the mention of it being in a nearby location and not in like, some abandoned warehouse. “Plus, you can come. You know, we can have fun together. Just… eat, dance a little, mingle. It’ll be fine.”

“Am I allowed to come?”

“Of course,” you don’t know if there’s a guest list, or anything, but Renjun seems to get along with most people in your level as long as their names don’t start with a J and end with a eno. “Please? We can even walk there together.”

“It’s like twenty steps from your house, so it’s really not the appealing case you think you’re making.” He sighs. “Fine, fine. I’ll go. And we can watch Love and Thunder the next day. But I’m holding you to that.”  

“Awesome,” your heart feels infinitely lighter, and Renjun even gives you a half-hearted grin. “Great — so, I’ll just — you know —“ you point towards Jeno’s table; Renjun nods slowly, picking up his book again.

“Yes, yes. Go on,” he shoos you away, once again pretending to grow immersed in his book, even though you know he’s snorting to himself when you give him an excited thumbs up before leaving the table.

You even feel like there’s a small skip to your step when you walk to the line, and the grin never leaves your lips as you get your tray and pile what really does look like fake bulgogi on your plate; the cafeteria lady is surprised by your expression, considering you’re surrounded by generally somber ones, and she mistakes your smile as you being excited to eat the food and tells you to take more. Somehow, you’re in such a good mood that you do, which earns some alarmed stares from the people behind you.

The conversation is in full swing when you approach Jeno’s table, and your heart jumps a little when you’ve noticed that he’s kept his word and saved a seat for you — right beside him, no less. His food is half-finished, and he’s talking to Park Jisung about what sounds like some massive multiplayer online shooting game, but he stops when you sit down.

“You guys don’t know _______________, right?” He addresses the whole table; a whole set of eyes lands on you suddenly as his voice rings louder than everyone else’s. “She’s my physics project partner.”

“Of course we know her,” the girl to Jisung’s right, Jimin, pipes up. “We don’t live under a rock, and we’re almost all in the same year, dumbass.”

“I was just announcing it for Jisung’s and Minjeong’s sakes,” Jeno fires back easily. “Who, by the way, aren’t in the same year level.”

“Well, address them specifically next time,” she laughs. “Hey, _____________.”

“Hello,” despite your excitement, your voice comes out way smaller than normal, and it even cracks, which causes you to clear your throat, a feat that mysteriously causes most people to laugh.  

“I know Jimin noona is dazzling to everyone,” Jisung says. “But just for the record, she’s taken. By me. Obviously.”

You stare at him, a little dumbfounded, as Jeno tosses a wilted leaf of lettuce at his face. It doesn’t even make it to the halfway point of the gap the table makes between them. Jisung sticks out his tongue childishly.

“Anyways, I told you guys earlier that we were having a party, this weekend, right?” He points at Jaemin, who, until now, has been quietly wrapping his bulgogi into his lettuce and stuffing them whole into his mouth. “Your house, dude.”

Jaemin rolls his eyes good-naturedly, still in the middle of chewing his food, but he takes one big gulp to respond. “Did you even ask me?”

“Does he ever?” Jisung contributes, amused. “Jeno hyung, why can’t we ever have parties at your place? Jaemin hyung’s house has like ten million pictures of his family that we might break.”  

“Okay, fine; my house. You guys better pull food weight this time, though,” Jaemin agrees suddenly, like he hadn’t been indignant a moment ago. Jeno looks satisfied with this response, not bothering to answer Jisung’s question, which is a little weird; you’d assumed that everyone he was close to also knew of the reason why he never held any events at his house considering the answer he’d given you when you’d asked the same thing had been so simplistic. You don’t take the time to dwell on this, however, since Jeno speaks up.

“I’ll bring the drinks,” he volunteers before adding, “Ice included, Jisung.” The latter makes a face at him, and everyone laughs again, and you presume it’s some inside joke. You smile for a second before you realize it probably seems disingenuous.

It’s weird, you think, that they’re so comfortable around each other, even with their seemingly different personalities. It had always just been you and Renjun, which suited you just fine, but it’s also robbed you of the opportunity to figure out how to interact in a much larger, more outgoing crowd, which is a missed opportunity you’re feeling the effects of now. People start piping up about what they’re going to bring, with Jisung getting a small smack upside the head from Jimin after he volunteers (again, apparently) to bring utensils and “himself, which is gift enough.”

“What should I bring?” You whisper to Jeno.

“Nothing,” he sounds surprisingly sincere and reassuring, not to mention he matches the volume of your voice somehow, making it seem like you’re having your own private conversation. “Just come and have fun.”

“Okay,” you half-wheeze, and he smiles down at you before rejoining the conversation, responding immediately when Jaemin speaks up.

“This time, you guys seriously need to stay away from my bedroom. And my brother’s. And my parents’. Actually, what I’m really saying is that you people need to unlearn how to use stairs.”

“You’re really going to deny your room any action?” Jeno fires back easily.

“I don’t want to go to sleep on a bed someone else made out on,” Jaemin sighs, in a heavy way that somehow causes you to think he’s probably been through it more than once before.

“No one just makes out on a bed.”

“We’re in school, Jeno. You know what I mean.”

“We’ve made out on a bed,” Jisung wiggles a finger between himself and Jimin, who tells him to shut up, something he does almost immediately, even if he and Jeno exchange a high five that creates a sound so loud you’re surprised there’s no physical aftershock.

“________________, Minjeong and I were going to go to the mall on Saturday morning,” Jimin calls your attention underneath Jeno and Jisung’s long arms. “Want to come with? We can have lunch together, too.”

“Oh — yeah, sure,” you agree, and she smiles so brightly and sweetly at you that you blush. Jisung was right about the dazzling thing, then.

“Cool. Text me your address and we can come pick you up.”

You spend the rest of your lunch mostly listening and learning about these people, and you’re somewhat thankful they don’t put you in the hot seat and just interrogate you about yourself. You find out that Minjeong’s trying to get her driver’s license soon, and Jisung had actually been interested in joining an entertainment company as an idol trainee before he’d found out that they confiscate your phone for years, something that ended up being a dealbreaker for him. You learn that Jimin is applying for a English Comparative Literature undergraduate degree in Seoul National University, which Jisung says is inexplicably both “the hottest and the most boring thing about her.”  

The weirdest thing you learn about this band of friends comes up when Jaemin suddenly stands, saying goodbye to everyone hurriedly before rushing off with his plate. No one finds this weird except you, so you bring it up.

“Oh, Jaemin hyung is on the chess team. He has practice during lunch once a week,” Jisung informs you when you ask.

“He’s on the what?” You glance at Jaemin, who’s walking out of the cafeteria at a brisk pace.

“The chess team,” he repeats without any further explanation. You look at Jeno, who shrugs at you.

“Yeah, he likes that stuff. Everyone in our year is a big nerd.”

“Except you and me,” you add, and his lips turn up again, seemingly pleased with your statement. There it is again — your heart flipping over and screaming wildly.  

“Exactly. Except you and me.”

You don’t actually expect Jimin to follow through with her shopping invite, but she actually ends up texting you on Saturday morning instead of the other way around, asking for your address again after saying that she’d gotten your number from Jeno. You’re so out of sorts when they arrive not ten minutes later that you actually have to double back for your wallet and your phone.  

Jimin has almost always been in a separate section from you in school, while Minjeong is a whole year below you, and they’re also extremely close, so you’d never really gotten the chance to know them, and your expectation is that this excursion is going to be an awkward and pitiful event. They end up being really nice, though, and Minjeong even asks you about your physics project with a tone of genuine interest, commenting about how Jeno is exceptionally good at playing the guitar. You also naturally assume that they’re going to just mill around the boutique area for clothes, but Jimin actually drags you around to some electronics shops to look for a gaming headset for Jisung, and Minjeong goes to three different pet stores to look for the right dog food.  

“You should have tried out for the cheerleading team,” Jimin says when the three of you have settled down at the food court with bowls of bibimbap. Minjeong wordlessly picks out the carrots from her bowl and dumps them in Jimin’s, who doesn’t even bat an eyelash. “We’re a little under the member quota right now. No one likes risking their lives on human pyramids anymore.”

“I can’t imagine why,” you say, and Jimin laughs.

“Seriously. It wouldn’t hurt for you to try. Besides, even if it’s the last semester, we could really use some extra members. Right, Minjeong?”  

Minjeong looks up at you, her egg dangling between her chopsticks.

“Do you want my egg, _____________?”

“Sure,” you reply, amused. She quickly lays the egg on top of your own, even going so far as to arrange them neatly so that their yolks are aligned. “Are you allergic to something?”

“She’s a picky eater.” Jimin explains, using her spoon to squash her egg’s yolk.

“I have a refined palate,” Minjeong corrects her, fishing out a stray piece of carrot and placing it in Jimin’s bowl.

“You eat like a baby.”

“Baby food is pretty good.” Minjeong admits. “The banana-flavored ones are nice.”  

“Gross,” Jimin laughs. “This is exactly why you and Jaemin broke up.”

“You and Jaemin dated?” You raise your eyebrows. Minjeong nods, mixing her rice methodically with her spoon. “What happened?”  

“He got tired of ordering banana-flavored baby food for her,” Jimin quips.

“Will you shut up? Anyway — yeah, we dated last year, really briefly. We just didn’t work out. I did some work for my dad over the weekends back then, so we just never got the chance to go on actual dates. We said we were going to take a break or something, revisit the dating thing when we were less busy, but we just kind of left it in the past, and we started seeing other people.”

“You started seeing other people, you mean,” Jimin corrects her. Minjeong nods, thoughtfully mixing her rice before taking a slow bite.  

“Yeah. Besides, it just sort of felt like a relationship of convenience. Like, we were both there, we were both single, so we tried it. It was okay while it lasted. We’re still friends.”

“But I’ve already heard about Minjeong’s boring love life six hundred times,” Jimin points her spoon at you, a grain of rice flying at high speed in your direction. “Oops, sorry. So what’s going on with you and Jeno?”  

“Oh,” you have to swallow your own spoonful of bibimbap hard because your throat has suddenly constricted. “Nothing’s going on with us. We’re just partners. And… friends?”  

“You’re not dating?”

“Not in the slightest.” Your mind flips back to when Jeno had said he didn’t want people getting the wrong idea about the both of you. Yet. Whatever that meant. “No way.”  

“Oh,” Jimin looks weirdly disappointed. “I thought you were, since he suddenly started asking about who you were seeing. We thought it was a trick question, like we were supposed to answer ‘him.’”  

“But you like him,” Minjeong says it like it’s not a question but a factual statement, which it is, but you still take a while to respond, feeling put on the spot suddenly.  

“I mean… he’s nice.”  

“And cute,” Jimin adds.  

“And cute,” you agree. She smiles triumphantly, as if this is some kind of game she’s winning. “But… nothing’s going on.”  

“Well, Jeno doesn’t date often. I mean, he goes out with girls. But I don’t think he’s been in a relationship for a while,” Minjeong adds thoughtfully. “Maybe he’s starting to think about getting serious with someone?”

“I don’t know.” You like the idea of it, but realistically speaking, it’s not like you two were that close. Then again, you also weren’t sure about how close any two people should be to start thinking about dating each other. It’s not like there’s some kind of rule book. “Maybe. Maybe not.”

“Coy answer,” Jimin sounds approving. “Definitely a sign that something’s going on.”

“Wh— no, I mean, I’m not sure about… you know, we don’t really talk—“

“You don’t really have to,” Jimin winks, and the seaweed pieces in your bibimbap suddenly get very interesting, even though you know the two of them are exchanging looks.  

They drop you back home after lunch, waving goodbye (with Jimin screaming out a see you later!) as they drive off, and you’re so exhausted from the walking and the fact that you’d had to carry Minjeong’s bags of premium dog food back to her car that you fall asleep the moment your body hits your bed. You wake up with a considerable amount of drool on your pillow and three missed calls from Renjun.  

“Not that it’s a big deal,” Renjun says when you call him back. “But I don’t know what to wear to parties.”

“I don’t think it’s a black tie event,” you rub the sleep out of your eyes. “Just wear something casual? Cool? I don’t know either. Also, when did you suddenly start caring about how you looked at parties?”  

“You make it sound like I’ve never tried beforehand.”

“Your signature style is graphic tee and jeans, so…” There’s a loud noise on his end of the call and you hear him mumble a swear word. “What happened?”  

“The closet rod fell,” he whines. “Also, graphic tee and jeans are Jeno’s signature style too. He even had ripped jeans, which make him look more homeless than I do.”  

“Jeno’s jeans are artistically ripped,” you correct him. “Yours are ripped because your dog tries to eat them when they’re hanging out to dry.”

“And you don’t know if Jeno’s own dog has ripped his jeans artistically,” you can hear him struggling with the metal rod, and his voice becomes more and more muffled as you assume that his phone is sinking deeper into his neck as he holds it between his shoulder and ear. “I’ll call you back. Or — you know what, I’ll just be there in fifteen minutes.”

“Make it twenty, I’m still half-asleep.” You hang up and press your face into your pillow, falling back asleep until Renjun arrives within the promised twenty minute time span, chastising you for your lack of punctuality the entire time you sluggishly change your clothes. The only helpful thing he does is call your sister in to help you fix your hair, which she does enthusiastically as you yawn at your reflection and Renjun criticizes your poor scheduling even further while he plays online minesweeper on your laptop.  

“So we only stay for an hour, hour and a half max, right?” He confirms as you walk towards Jaemin’s house. The door is open, and there are people outside, already deep in conversation.  

“Right,” you agree. You don’t hold the fact that Renjun wants to leave quickly against him; for some reason, being around this many people is making you a little queasy, and you don’t know what people do in parties apart from truth or dare. Unfortunately, no one seems to be sitting in a circle around a spinning bottle when you enter; instead, all the furniture has been cleared out for a table that has food piled onto it, and the coffee table is stacked high with paper cups and drinks. Mark Lee and Jaemin are by the ice bucket, and the latter notices you first, waving at you.  

“Hey, ______________, Renjun. You guys made it,” Jaemin pushes a cup of what looks like Hwanta at you, taking Mark’s cup of soda as well and handing it to Renjun. “No traffic, I hope?”  

“Just the same old pile-up. It takes really long to get here, you know,” you smile, and he laughs easily.  

“So your parents are okay listening to trashy music from upstairs?” Renjun asks, looking around for any sign of parents.  

“No, they’re out for dinner with friends, and my brother stays in a dorm in college, so they’re not affected that much.” Jaemin looks like he’s about to say something else, but something beyond the two of you catches his eye and he mumbles an I’ll be right back before speeding off, disappearing into the crowd. Mark is pouring himself a new cup of soda, throwing Renjun a wounded look when he isn’t looking. You decide to strike up a conversation instead of watching him wait for Renjun to apologize for the technically stolen drink.  

“So has this been going on for a while, or…?”  

“No, it’s been maybe half an hour, or something. Oh, I think Jimin was looking for you. She’s somewhere—” He points around the room, clearly unsure. “Somewhere around here. I’m sure you’ll bump into her later. She and Jisung are probably groping each other in the garden or something.”  

“Since when did Yoo Jimin start dating Park Jisung?”  

“Since they sat next to each other on the KTX to Daegu over the break. You should ask Jisung about the make-out session that steamed up economy car A. He says seats 13 A and B still smell like her perfume and his cologne mixed together.”  

“Ew,” Renjun comments, and Mark makes a noise of agreement.  

You’re only half-paying attention to their disgust about Jisung and Jimin’s history of desecrating public spaces since you’ve spotted Jeno, who’s watching a group of juniors play what you assume is beer pong. You keep thinking about going over to him and saying hi, but you can’t seem to figure out when the right time is. Also, your nerves get the best of you, so you just stand beside Renjun as he starts a weird bonding experience with Mark Lee.  

Luckily, you don’t have to do anything at the end of the day; Jeno suddenly notices you, pushing himself off the window he’s been leaning against and walking over. You grab Renjun’s arm by instinct, and he lets out a sharp ow as you squeeze him. He manages to shake you off just before Jeno stops in front of you.

“_______________,” he looks pleased. “You made it. And… you brought Renjun with you.”

“Hey,” Renjun says flatly, handing his half-drunk cup of soda back to Mark, who takes it with a dumbfounded look on his face. “I think I see Donghyuck, so I’m gonna go say hi.”

He slips away before you can say anything, but Jeno doesn’t even look perturbed; he glances at Mark, who meets his eye then suddenly turns to walk off, and you hear him asking someone where the trash bag is.  

“So, are you enjoying?”  

“I just got here, but it seems great,” you try to sound enthusiastic even if you’re shouting a little over the new song that’s started playing. “Music’s a bit loud though.”  

“Makes awkward pauses less awkward,” he says sagely, and you can’t help but think there’s some logical inconsistency in that, but you just shrug it off, nodding up at him. “Did you get to try the pizza?”

“Not yet; why, did you make it with your own two hands, or something?”

“No,” he shrugs, grinning. “But I ordered it with my own voice.”  

You laugh as he does, but the sounds get drowned out by EXID’s Up and Down playing at full blast. He makes a motion, but you don’t catch on, so he just takes your wrist and leads you through a throng of people back to the beer pong game. Upon closer inspection, you see that the liquid inside is a lot darker than you expected.  

“It’s just cola,” Jeno explains. “We were thinking of buying beer, but most people here can’t drink anyway, so it would have been a waste of money.”  

“Smart,” you comment sincerely, watching the two guys on the opposite ends of the table consistently miss their targets. “So you just have to get the ball in the cups? And then what?”  

“The other person drinks. Hey, Jaehyun,” he calls out to one of the guys playing, who looks up and consequently gets hit in the cheek by a flying ping pong all. “Show _____________ how to play.”  

“She can just take Taeyong’s place; he sucks anyway.” This comment elicits a rude gesture from the other boy, and you notice they’re both wearing similar jackets with a logo you can’t really place but looks suspiciously official.  

“You both suck. Let her take a turn; I’m gonna go ask Jaemin if he has more ice or if we need to make a run.”  

Jeno places his hand on your back, leading you forward; the guy named Taeyong reluctantly steps aside as Jeno walks away, greeting some guy that looks familiar but who you also can’t place in your memory as he passes by.  

As it turns out, you’re not half-bad at beer pong; you manage to get Jaehyun to drink four cups of cola, which has him burping all over the place and begging for a break for his stomach. The party is in full swing now, but this is the part that starts to feel uncomfortable, and you excuse yourself from the game with the promise that you’ll play with the two of them again once you’re all of legal drinking age.  

The garden is no better when you exit; there are people in groups that you know you won’t be able to squeeze yourself into. You do actually see Jimin after a moment of scoping, but her limbs are intertwined with Jisung’s in the mini gazebo, and you don’t really want to interrupt, so you just head back inside.

The music is extremely grating now, and you’ve eaten two slices of pizza and downed at least three glasses of different kinds of soda, so you also feel a little bloated and sleepy. Jeno hasn’t resurfaced either over the last hour or so, and you think it’s high time Renjun must be antsy to get home. The problem is that you can’t find him in the living room or the kitchen; you actually knock on the bathroom after gathering up some courage, but the female voice that answers that it’s occupied makes all that effort go down the drain.  

You trust Renjun wouldn’t leave without telling you, but you’re also not sure why he would be missing for this much time. The fact that you’re just standing by the food table while people pass by, say non-committal hellos, and leave with pizza slices in hand makes it even more uncomfortable. In the end, you decide to text Renjun to meet you back at your house and weave through the crowd to get to the door.  

There are still people outside, and while some are leaving, others are also talking or flirting, and you notice that these are more people that seem familiar but unfamiliar all at once. They all look a little older, too; a couple of guys are all wearing sweaters with the same obnoxiously large logo you’d seen on Taeyong and Jaehyun’s jackets, and it dawns on you that these people must be from the university level, hanging at a party away from younger kids. You scan the grass for Renjun, but you don’t see him anywhere either.  

What you do see is Jeno standing extremely close to a girl who’s wearing a similar university sweater. He has one hand around a cup, but his other hand is sandwiched between the girl’s palms. You can’t really discern his expression, but his brows look knitted, and his mouth, while open, doesn’t seem to be moving.  

You feel like you’ve seen this scene before, back at the dance where you had snapped upon seeing Lee Gyuwon and Jeno together, leaving poor Chenle behind. You’d only recently learned to laugh about that situation, so this one comes as both a painful reminder and an unfortunate addition of scenarios that made you extremely uncomfortable. You have to placate yourself with the reminder they just seem to be talking, even if they are standing really close to each other; nothing is actually happening, save for the fact that you can sometimes see Jeno’s hand gripping the cup in his hand a little tighter now and again.  

All of this just goes out the door when the girl leans in, pressing a hand to his chest, and kisses him.  

A voice inside your head tells you it’s frankly masochistic to keep staring at two people kissing when you like one of them, but you just stand there, rooted to the spot, watching the girl wrap an arm around Jeno’s neck. He pulls away after a while, and his mouth starts moving really quickly. His eyes dart around, like he’s watching for something, until they land on you, and his lips stop mid-speech. The scene gets blurrier, and you think you’re going to pass out for a second until you realize you’re just crying a little.  

Soft fingers wrap around your forearm, pulling you away gently. You think it might be Renjun, who’s finally found you after all that hullabaloo, but when you regain some sense, your attention focuses on Jaemin, who’s leading you back to your house. He’s doing so wordlessly, without even looking at you, and the noise of the party fades into an easily ignorable buzz once you reach your driveway. He stops you right at your front door, pausing a little before facing you with a small smile.  

The part of you that hates yourself the most tempts you to look back, to see if you can still glimpse Jeno from this far away; your head actually starts to turn, but Jaemin reacts quicker, trapping your face between his palms and keeping your head steadily towards him. His smile grows a little, but it doesn’t reach his eyes, and his teeth don’t show like they usually do.  

“Hey. Just look at me first, okay?”  

“Um,” is the only thing you can say considering you’re not sure if he’s doing this randomly or for some unknown reason.  

“Your hair’s kind of a mess, you know that? Did you get in a fight, or something?”  

“No, I was just… you know, there were a lot of people, so I probably bumped into a few of them,” your voice sounds distant, but you’re glad to hear that it still works and that you can form something of a coherent sentence. Jaemin laughs softly.  

“Yeah, it did get kind of crowded back there.” He starts to gently put strands of hair back into place, but it’s clear he has no clue what he’s doing because he sighs and drops his hands to your shoulders after a minute. “Anyway, you seemed a little out of it, so I thought you might want to go home for a quick break. If you want to go back, though, we can.”  

“No,” you say quickly. “I was… actually just looking for Renjun. So we could leave quietly.”  

“Well, usually, if you’re leaving a party, you’re supposed to tell the host,” he chuckles softly. “But since I dragged you here, I guess it doesn’t apply.”  

You want to laugh, but all your body seems to want to do is produce tears; you can’t even understand why you want to cry, considering you and Jeno aren’t dating, and he’d made that extremely clear. You suppose that it had just seemed like all the events were leading up to you getting together, although you may have just been reading between the lines when you weren’t supposed to thanks to your endless bounty of personal delusion.  

Either way, you didn’t want to cry about it — especially not in front of his best friend, who probably thinks it’s pathetic enough that you’re hopelessly deluded. You inhale in an attempt to calm yourself down, but all it does it signal your body into letting out a soft sob. Jaemin doesn’t move, and his expression hardly changes, save for the fact that the smile is back to its unnaturally small state. He actually looks like he’s… sad? That doesn’t seem right, though; maybe it’s really more like he pities you, which you can’t even blame him for.  

Still, he gently raises his right hand again; this time, instead of attempting to fix your hair, he gently places his palm against your head. Then lifts it. Then places it back down again. Soon, you’re standing in your driveway, crying silently while the guy from next door is awkwardly patting your hair like you’re a wounded puppy. It doesn’t last more than five minutes, but it’s still a fairly embarrassing period of time, and you wipe at your eyes aggressively while he retracts his hand.  

“Kind of stupid, huh?” Your voice is thick and ugly. “Crying after a party.”  

“Crying after a party, yeah. Crying after seeing someone you like kiss someone else? Not stupid at all.”  

“So I didn’t hallucinate?” You sigh, hiccuping yourself into a slightly calmer state.

“No, unfortunately. I mean, Jeno is — anyway, it’s not really any of my business, I guess. Do you want me to look for Renjun back at my house, or something?”  

“No, it’s fine. I texted him that I was going home anyway, so he can just come find me when he sees it, I guess.” You feel like your voice is childishly sullen, and Jaemin must think so too, because his smile grows again, like he wants to laugh. “But… thanks for walking me home.”

“I almost dragged you home.”

“But I used my two feet,” you crack a smile, wiping away a stray tear that’s just fallen from your eyelashes. “So I still technically walked.”

“Can’t argue with that logic,” he agrees.

You both stand in front of your door, not moving; you’re not making eye contact either, but it doesn’t feel too uncomfortable. There are a ton of things you want to ask him, but all of your questions seem either too upsetting or too invasive, so you just stay quiet until Jaemin looks up again, focusing on something past your head.  

You turn to find Jeno approaching, and his eyes are flickering between you and Jaemin. His hands ball into fists for a second, like he’s steeling himself.  

Jaemin’s voice seems different when he talks again, and he’s not looking at you when he speaks. “I should get back home. See you, _______________.”

He brushes past Jeno, not looking back as he returns to the party. Jeno watches him go, making sure Jaemin’s past your property line before turning back to you.  

“You left so quickly,” is how he opens the conversation.  

“Oh. Yeah, it just got crowded. I lost Renjun, and I couldn’t eat anything more,” you explain lamely. “Sorry. I guess I should have told you.”  

“No, it’s — that’s totally fine. I just… I guess you really didn’t have a good time.”  

“I did; no, I totally did.” Up until a few minutes ago, you want to add, but there’s no way you would. Jeno nods, not really looking like he’s fairly interested in how much you enjoyed the party. “I found out I’m… pretty good beer pong, so that probably bumped my cool points, right?”  

“She’s my ex-girlfriend,” he suddenly blurts out, skewing the conversation’s falsely casual atmosphere drastically towards a topic you were desperate to avoid. You stand in silence, fairly stunned, and Jeno looks like he’s about to burst completely, his words coming out a little too fast because he wants to say so much. “She used to go to our school. A year older. We broke up during her last year; she said she didn’t want anyone from her past tying her down in college. I mean — we — she — we were over. It was fine. But she showed up tonight, I guess since she heard from Jaemin’s brother that there was a party… I didn’t know. She never told me. We just — I guess she thought we could get back together, so we talked, and she kissed me. But we’re not. Back together, that is.”  

“Uh,” you say, once again at a loss for words. “Okay.”  

“It didn’t mean anything,” he starts to slow down, looking a little relieved that he’s gotten the crux of the story off his chest. “She was a little drunk before she got here. It was just a spur of the moment — no, sorry. It was just a mistake. That’s it.”  

“It’s… I mean, it’s… it’s fine?” It’s not, you know, but you don’t know what else to say considering it’s supposed to be fine to you. “She’s your ex-girlfriend. You’re bound to still have feelings for each other. Also—”

“We don’t,” he interrupts you. “We don’t have feelings for each other. I mean, I don’t. For her.”

“Okay, but I also don’t know why you’re telling me all of this.”  

“Because. Because I know you saw us outside.”  

“I did,” you admit, still feeling the uncomfortable pang of distress at recalling the sight. It seems to be triggering your fight or flight instinct because you’re taking slow steps back, but Jeno is just moving forward with you too. Even when you run out of space to step, he’s still advancing, eyes focused on you, like he’s watching for your expression. “And it’s your right to make out with your ex-girlfriend. It doesn’t have anything to do with me.”  

“Doesn’t it?”  

“Does it?” You’re thoroughly confused now, and it looks like Jeno is too. “We’re just friends, aren’t we? We’re not really even that. My opinion on your relationships doesn’t really… matter.”  

“It does though. It does to me.”  

You fall silent, dumbfounded; your mind can’t decide on which feeling to focus on first, so you just stand there looking stupid. Jeno is standing really close to you now, and you can actually smell the fabric conditioner on his hoodie and the cologne that’s fading off from his skin. When he speaks again, his voice is barely above a whisper.

“You like me.”  

It’s not asked like a question, but he pauses like he’s waiting for you to respond. You’re too close to him to feel comfortable enough to lie and deny, plus the situation seems so intense that the thought of doing something wrong doesn’t even cross your mind. You nod, and he doesn’t even look the least bit surprised.

“I’m telling you all of this because I know you like me. Because I don’t want you to misunderstand something like that.”  

“It doesn’t matter, though,” your voice is also soft, less because you’re trying to be quiet and more because if you speak up, you’re afraid you might start crying again. “You don’t have to explain something like that to someone who likes you just because they like you. It shouldn’t be a concern.”  

“But I want to,” he says firmly. “I want to make sure you know — I’m really not with that girl. What happened back there — it didn’t mean anything.”  

“But why?”  

He reaches out, and the action feels eerily similar to Jaemin’s; his fingers idly toy with loose strands of hair, but it doesn’t feel laden with the motive of comforting. Instead, his hand skims down the side of your face gently, stopping just below your jaw. You wonder if he’s noticed you’ve stopped breathing, but if he has, he doesn’t make it obvious. His thumb extends away from his hand, lightly tracing the height of your cheekbone.  

“Because I don’t want something like this to push you away from me,” he murmurs. “Because I want you to like me. Just me.”