#so stressed already and its literally a whole month away

[coridallasmultipass]

.

[angel-archivist]

can we all agree if my school refuses to accommodate me with my temp ID any further that im allowed to be pissed abotu that 

[aetherdoesthings]

hi, I was wondering if you could do a romantic x reader oneshot on Roronoa Zoro for Valentine's Day!

hi! sorry this took a while, but made it in time for valentine day before it ends!

forethoughts: remember that aforementioned crush i had? yeah really felt lonely while writing this bc ain't no way she's into girls 😭. anyways enjoy :,). also no i still haven't talked to her yet i still get anxiety when i open the chat because 🤷. sorry if the pacing is fucked i was in a rush trying to get this out before valentine's day ends (i'm still at my grandpa's house) so yeah.

notes: fem!reader, valentines day

February 14 was rolling around the corner and time was ticking. You had spent the 13th worrying about what to do on the next day with your boyfriend, thinking about what to do on your first Valentine’s day after confessing to each other at the beginning of the year. Sure, it had been only a month of getting to know each other better and being comfortable around each other, but to the two of you (or to you at least) it felt like years. 

With the sun already halfway through its shift, you started to panic even more, as a ‘perfect Valentine’s day’ itinerary still has not been formed. Seeing you in such a manic state, Nami and Robin had whisked you away, quite literally carrying you by the limbs off the ship and into town to grab something to eat. You insisted that you did not need to eat anything and you needed to think and prepare, but with Nami’s glare and Robin’s arms threatening to incapacitate you, you reluctantly sat on the wooden chair across the two women as food was served to your table. You picked up your fork, taking a bite as you swallowed. Immediately, you were reminded of how depraved of food you were, and engulfed the entire plate within minutes. 

“Has planning your day tomorrow really stressed you out, dear Y/N?” Robin remarked, giving you a napkin to wipe the corners of your mouth.

Your cheeks flushed red as you took the napkin, wiping your mouth before nodding your head. “I just want to have the perfect day with Zoro… he means the world to me, and I just want to have a good Valentine’s day with him…”

The moment you had confessed to Zoro, you had basically confessed to the whole crew since Zoro loved to brag about you being his girlfriend in front of Sanji. Naturally, everyone was supportive of it (Sanji as well after a few weeks) and it was common knowledge you and Zoro were dating.

Nami chuckled. “Still, it feels like you shouldn’t be putting in that much work into one day just by yourself. Do you know if Zoro is planning anything to do tomorrow?”

Your mouth was open, but no words came out. You sighed, shaking your head. “He’s been silent for the past few days. I tried bringing up Valentine’s day to him, and he just said ‘what’s that?’”

“So you’re putting this much thought and stress into planning out the perfect day with him but he’s not putting any effort into tomorrow?” Robin said.

The claim Robin made was like a bitter pill you had to swallow. It was true; while you spent your day stressing about Valentine’s day, Zoro was probably asleep or drinking or training in the gym like it was another Tuesday. 

“Come on, don’t sulk.” Nami flicked your head, prompting you to get out of your trance as you looked at the two women with a defeated look.

“Perhaps Zoro is planning on surprising you tomorrow.” Robin spoke out.

“Zoro can’t surprise me. I mean, he can, he’s just… not good at giving gifts. I love him, but sometimes I don’t want a bottle of sake for my birthday.”

“Didn’t the two of you finish that bottle in one night?”

“No we didn’t!” You shook your head adamantly. “Still, even if he’s going to surprise me… I just hope he doesn’t get me a dead boar again.”

“Hey, it’s the thought that counts, alright? At least he’s planning on surprising you.” Nami smiled. “It’s better than him just forgetting about you completely.”

“Why not just spend the rest of the day relaxing? You’ve spent the whole morning trying to plan for tomorrow. Just take a break; I’m sure tomorrow will be a great day regardless.” Robin suggested.

“We could go shopping together! I saw some really good shops near this cafe!”

You chuckled at Nami’s words. “Alright, alright. Sure.”

So you went shopping with the women of the Straw Hats, until the sun finally retired. The entire time you were still worried about tomorrow, but with Nami and Robin’s constant and unwavering encouragement and determination to make you not worry, you soon forgot about tomorrow and spent the rest of today shopping for clothes, watching Nami argue with a clerk for the price of a dress, and going inside libraries with Robin to check out books for Chopper and herself.

Since you had spent yesterday relaxing, you had nothing planned whatsoever for today. You had gotten into bed with Zoro, asking him one last time if he had anything planned for today. He simply grunted ‘go to sleep’. So you did.

The moment you woke up, you immediately noticed the Zoro-shaped hole in the mattress, your hand placed on the hot surface. Zoro must’ve gotten up a few minutes before you. You let out a sigh, forcing yourself to sit up as you rubbed your eyes. Zoro always woke up before you; he liked to train in the morning and get his morning workout done before the crew woke up. 

So today is a normal day after all… You thought to yourself. Even though you were disappointed that there wasn’t going to be any grand plan or event that was going to happen with you and Zoro, you were still determined to spend the rest of your time today with him. 

To your dismay, you had spent your entire day in fact trying to find Zoro on board the ship that was nowhere near land, since Franky had raised the anchor last night. Frustrated and tired, you had locked yourself in your shared room with Zoro, looking at old pictures of the two of you together, not a shred of love or romance beating in your heart.

You didn’t know how long you were moping for when the door to your room suddenly burst open. The green haired swordsman was standing there, wearing a shirt you had never seen before. His swords weren’t strapped to his side, his bandanna still tied to his shoulder. He ripped the blanket off your body, grabbing your hand. “Come on.”

It was already dark out, your legs wobbly and shaky from not moving the entire day. A mix of emotions surged to your head, your mind deciding what you should feel. As that was all happening, Zoro had swung you over his shoulder, as he ascended to the crow’s nest, plopping your body next to his. 

“What-” You were sitting on a bunch of cushions and pillows, while Zoro took a blanket for himself. There were treats and food littered around your makeshift seat, all foods that were your favorite. Candles were lit and scattered haphazardly around, placed by Zoro’s boots and your barefoot, away from the blankets and easily flammable cushions. The swordsman’s swords were placed beside him, one hand on all three hilts. His other hand was already gripped onto the neck of a bottle of sake, as he began to chug it slowly.

“What is all this?” You finally spoke after your mind had finally processed everything.

“Did you really think I forgot about Valentine’s day, dear?” Zoro let out a low chuckle, looking at you as he wrapped his arm around your neck. “Look.”

He removed his hand from the swords to point at the vast sea. Suddenly, red sparks colored the air, then orange, yellow, coloring the dull sky with bright cheery colors. You sat there in your comfy seat, jaw agape as you stared at the fireworks like a baby, your ears filled with the sound of cracks and wind of the fireworks launching into the air. The show lasted longer than you expected, the last firework forming a heart shape.

Zoro planted a kiss on your forehead, looking you in the eyes with love and affection, compared to the dull and lifeless ones he gave you yesterday. “Happy Valentine’s day, Y/N.”

[ghosttownwherenoonegoes]

Summary: Sometimes, it's not Eddie with whom you want to have a heart to heart. It's Wayne. Reader is explicitly dating Eddie & is close with Wayne. GN!READER!

@jslittlebirdie - I hope you like this!💕 I love you so much and I'm very proud of you!!! Please please take good care of you! I'm sending you hugs & cuddles🫂💕I've been feeling like this too and I think a heart to heart with Wayne Munson would genuinely fix me, even if only for a little while. He seems like the kind of guy you can just chill out with and discuss everything and nothing. The space you make for yourselves is where it all stays; nothing follows either of you when the conversation is done. Where do I sign up? Taking a break from studying to write this and eat because I am feeling tight.

TW; swearing, anxiety, impending anxiety attack, reader cries, Eddie is a side character (Eddie x reader but reader is found by Wayne), reader is a Munson honourarily. READER'S DIALOGUE THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH THIS PIECE IS LITERALLY ME TALKING. So self-insert & self-indulgent to a degree! Comfort, fluff.

Word count: 1, 876.

eddie baby@eddiebunson @hersweetrevenge @sweetpeapod @sabbathsworld @hawkinsroyaloutcast @seidenbros @bakerstreethound @eddiemunsonshoney @potatos-library @gemstone-roses @hellfire1986baby @jslittlebirdie @comfortcharactercraze @heydreamchild @mywinterivy @corrodedcoffeen @m00nlight101

eddie & wayne@hellfirebabe @eddiemunsonshoney @potatos-library @bakerstreethound @gemstone-roses @sweetpeapod @authorlovers @jslittlebirdie @heydreamchild @comfortcharactercraze @mywinterivy @corrodedcoffeen @ourstaturestouchtheskies @m00nlight101

Items on your to do list had piled up and up and up over the last few months and for everything you managed to get crossed off, another thing took its place until the tasks weighed on you heavy like bricks. Those bricks had been stacked precariously, balancing so many simultaneous responsibilities that the tower felt like it was taller, bigger, stronger than you. It was wobbling, and any minute now it would crash down around you.

Indeed, as you stood up from where you had been hunched over Eddie's desk, working furiously on all of the things all at the same time - everything had to be done now now now before it's too late and you can't get it done and there's gonna be serious consequences if you don't do everything right now and oh look it's already ten thirty in the morning and you haven't even crossed off one thing you're an absolute failure and Eddie's not going to be proud of you and Wayne won't be either and would you just shut up and focus on your work - everything did crash down.

But not the bricks.

No, the bricks loomed way over your head, intimidating you with the seemingly impossible depths of the tower's shadow. The tower never left you. Stress and anxiety and fear were your constant companions.

It was you who crashed down on you as you almost ran out of Eddie's room with the overwhelming urge to run away. But there was no out-running yourself, there was no way but through, but fuck, you were so scared. Tears poured down your cheeks, hot and heavy and fast, too many were they for you to even bother to attempt to brush away. Your chest was tight, your heart was squeezing in your chest, pounding in your head, your hands were shaking, you couldn't breathe or think, it was too much, too much, you had to get out, get away, you couldn't do this you couldn't -

Wayne's head whipped around from where he had been watching TV at the noise you made, a great heaving breath which ripped its way out of your throat. Tendrils of cigarette steam curled gently around his hand and the air above his head before they dissipated into nothingness. You wish your worries were as fragile as the burning ash dropping from the cigarette into the bright red ashtray.

Shit, you should have stayed in Eddie's bedroom. You didn't realise that you weren't alone. Oh shit, oh fuck, Wayne wouldn't be proud of you if he saw you like this, he wouldn't be -

To say that you had been on edge recently would be... an understatement... and a half. Eddie had noticed, how couldn't he? You were a walking bright flashing neon sign of tension and stress. He had confided in Wayne his concerns for you, about you, and Wayne had given him some advice on how to support you, but as he watched you stumble through the trailer on shaky legs, like a foal learning to walk - an apt description, really - and tears pouring down your face, your breathing sharp and shallow, Wayne realised that this was bigger than you. Bigger than Eddie.

Bigger than you and Eddie.

So Wayne Munson did what he always did for someone he cared about - he stepped in and he stepped up.

Literally, because in a flash, he was in front of you, cigarette stubbed out, and you started when you blinked and found him right in front of you, a look on his face which made you cry harder. Whether that was because it was so tender or because you had seen that exact expression on Eddie so many times and wondered where he had gotten it from. Finding out that it had come from Wayne was another piece of the ethereal tapestry which was Eddie and even in what was happening in that moment, discovering another part of the man you loved only made you love him more.

"Whoa, easy, kid," Wayne gave you a tight smile, the expression uncomfortable around the edges but the intense look in his blue eyes was kind. He was worried. "Look like you need to sit down a minute." He didn't touch you, but it was obvious that you were to follow him as he left the trailer and kept the front door wide open. He walked with you to the bench a ways from the trailer and sat up on the table, his elbows on his knees, his body language closed off. But welcome to the ones who truly counted. Namely, you, Eddie and Dustin.

"Now, you gonna tell me what's got you so upset? Look like a bat outta' hell, rushin' like that." Wayne's tone was quiet, kind. Patient.

You sighed, tears collecting in your eyes and your body language closed off just like Wayne's was. "It's all just... too much. Too much to do, no time to do it. I already tried cutting back on sleep to get more time to work. And there's still so much to do and it's like I can't keep up with everything I'm supposed to be doing. And then when I do get time off to relax, there's still something which needs doing and I haven't been able to have any time for me." You cut yourself off with a heavy sigh, saturated with world-weariness which you were too damn young for. "I'm out here fighting for my life and it's not making any fucking difference to anything."

You lapse into silence but Wayne wasn't satisfied. "That ain't it." Your confused look made him elaborate with a hand gesture. "What else is there?"

The way you shuffled on the bench, reluctant to say that one thing which echoed in your head late at night when you laid beside Eddie, piqued Wayne's curiosity but he waited. Gave no indication that he was eager to hear what was going on in that head of yours. It was a mystery to Eddie as well, the core of the issue, though Wayne would never betray your confidence like that. What was spoken on the bench stayed on the bench. The two of you had had many a conversation like this and Wayne had never relayed any information to Eddie. He had given hints when it was essential, like if it directly impacted either of you in a negative way, but he never ever spoke for you.

"I..." you hovered right there but Wayne gave you an encouraging smile and you tipped over the edge. Eager to just finally say it, if nothing else. You were safe with the Munsons. You were safe. "What if... what if I can't keep up with all this because I'm not enough and then you and Eddie won't be proud of me? I mean, not that you are proud of me, but, I just - " You sighed, "I wanna try as hard as I can to make you both proud because you mean the world to me but I can't do it, it's too much and I can't keep up and I hate it, I hate myself for not being able to - "

A large, warm hand closed down on one of yours and squeezed. It made you realise that your fists were clenched, cutting crescents into your sweaty palms. Tears dripped down your face and you blinked harshly so that you could better see Wayne's face. He had turned to face you over his shoulder, his brows knitted together. "You here with me, sweetpea?"

You nodded, eyes fixed on Wayne.

He nodded back, blue eyes firm. "You listen here, Y/N. I know the world will tell you things, believe you me," he scoffed angrily, looked away from you and towards the dog chained up a way across, near the Mayfield's trailer. He'd go feed it in a little while; he and some of the others kept it looked after. Wasn't much else they could do. "But it ain't right. It's hard 'cause it's hard, and it ain't a reflection on you. I seen you bust your ass for people who don't give two shits so long as what they want is done, but it's been a while since I saw you do somethin' for you. That's partly your problem, kid. You ain't a machine, no matter what the world says. Fuck 'em. S'your life, take it back from 'em. Or they'll eat you up 'til there's nothing left. I'd say they've taken some chunks outta you already, that it? No more, Y/N. Ain't right, you bein' so tired for someone so young."

You rested your other hand on top of Wayne's, so his hand was cradled between your own, and he looked at you square in the face as he shuffled closer to you. "C'mere, kid," the hand held in yours slips between them as he raised that arm and wrapped it around your shoulders, brought you into a hug. "You tell Eddie?"

"Some. Not much. Spent so long trying to tell him I ended up not being able to say anything." You swiped a hand over your face, your tears finally slowed enough for the action to count.

"Eddie don't care how y'say it," Wayne shrugged. The movement jostled where your head was nuzzled into the crook of his shoulder. "Just that you do." A pause, then, "I ain't gonna tell 'im, that's up to you. But he'd say the same thing, Y/N. I know my boy."

That made you smile, the pure love and pride in Wayne's voice and he felt your cheek curve against his shoulder.

The moment was brought to a close by a van which came screeching around the corner, Motorhead blasting so loudly that you cringed into Wayne's side. He chuckled and patted your shoulder in a gesture which told you he was going to stand up, and you leaned away so he could do so. As soon as Eddie was out of the van, Wayne was around to the driver's side pulling his son into a big welcome home hug. Eddie met his uncle with enthusiasm and this only seemed to get brighter still as he caught sight of you. The smile on his face died as soon as he saw your tear-stained, blotchy face.

Eddie's hug with you was tighter and longer than the one he'd had with his dad. "Oh, sweetheart." Eddie cooed in your ear and you almost started crying again. You bit down on your tongue hard against the tell-tale stinging. "Again? C'mon, we gotta level it out, yeah?" He already knew what this would be about, your stress and anxiety levels, but he wanted to know the intricacies of what had been going on with you. "Let me in, baby."

You and Wayne looked at each other - a conversation within a conversation. You shrugged, Wayne nodded in a roundabout 'yeah, s'pose so' way. Eddie steeled himself with a deep breath, and you prepared to open up yet again. The first time was always the hardest, but there was always a Munson to help you to catch your own fall, so you would do it again and again and again.

The conversation had started with two Munsons, but it ended with three.

[riddle-me-ri]

So we've had the pengys go through nnn (and honestly props to MOST of them lasting so long cause i know id be pouncing on them just 2 weeks in 🥴) what about the Eddies? How did they do?

A/N: asdfghj uhhh the absolute rush to get this done before november is over lol. Also I’m not gonna lie I was reluctant when I saw @finniestoncrane upload the follow up to her nnn with the riddler’s earlier lol. It just seems weird lol and I don’t wanna repeat what she wrote or seem like I’m copying lmao (even though we mutually agreed we’re symbiotic and often travel the same mental wavelengths, but I’ll do my best), I will say some of these answers are inspired by her though. Please give hers a read when you get a chance! Here’s a link to the follow-up and the original challenge (it even includes daddy oz my beloved)

Trigger Warnings: highly suggestive? Lots of teasing for both parties, mentions of masturbation (blatant hints lmao), and suggestive language that’s about it. 

Also the Riddlers have a ranking system too. Same as with the Pengys: 

1: being absolutely weak, thirsty simp energy, lost on the first day

10: being resilient, confident asshat that managed his impulse control just once for 30 days, but once its over you’ll both be out of commission. 

How The Riddlers Handle NNN

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking, Ri these numbers are pretty high, well…that’s because if there’s one thing most of these Riddlers can’t stand…is to lose it’s almost as bad as proving him he’s wrong. Just based on that principle alone, his resilience is peaked, but then you get whores like Zero Year or baby girls like Young Justice that just don’t make it. Bless them.

Arkhamverse Riddler (9.5 out of 10):

He was close…so close…figuratively and literally. When you first mentioned the challenge to you, he scoffed. Such a childish game, only a baboon would lose at something so primal and pointless. Of course, having to prove how easy it was he took on the challenge. 

Little did he realize just how much feeling your soft warm skin actually effected him. While he was tinkering away at his projects or slamming on his keyboard…he’d see you doing something mundane out of the corner of his eye. You sit on the couch, you watch TV, read a book. Your shorts riding up, the rise and fall of your chest.

Damnit, damnit, damnit. 

He does make it through though, how he did you had no idea. Every time he looked at you it seemed likely he’d pounce but he did pounce finally by December 1st. 

Reevesverse/Dano Riddler (3 out of 10):

This Edward just got used to you touching him. To the idea of jerking one out to you when you were at work or if he got particularly fired up and you were preoccupied with something. You were the perfect thing to relieve his stress…and for a whole month he’d have to find something else? After being spoiled with you?

His online chess games, incessant scribbling in his ledgers, crosswords scattered complete everywhere. Nothing helped, nothing like you. Ed is an absolute mess. Feet, hands, fingers constantly shaking and fidgeting. 

It’s November 5th, you come by and barely greet him with your sweet voice and he’s gone. You probably should’ve brought an overnight bag, you’re not going anywhere for a few days…maybe not for the rest of the month. 

Gotham Riddler (10 out of 10):

It doesn’t matter what it is. If it’s the world’s most complex Rubic’s cube or seeing if he can go a whole month without cumming. A game is a game. 

Edward doesn’t lose to games. When he plays he plays for keeps. Especially if that prize means he gets to keep you under an undisclosed period of time, doing only what he asks. 

He won’t lie though. Ed’s a victim of often counting his eggs before they hatch. Already assuming his win, sometimes he’ll catch himself getting hard at the faintest idea of what he wants to do to you when he wins. Which costs him to swiftly remind himself that the game is still on, he can’t lose himself to his unhinged carnal desires. 

Not yet. There is a game to be won. 

BTAS Riddler (9 out of 10):

Oh, well…this is a different objective to most challenges. Edward can’t say he’s not interested though. He is adamant that it’s an even playing field for the two of you. 

Every time your kisses to his cheek last longer than usual. So will his hand that’s wrapped around your waist. For every tempting kiss there’s an even more persuasive touch to combat it. It’s an alluring power struggle of who can snap first. 

Edward has to admit, you were far more resilient than he gave himself credit for. He finds himself lost in thought of your latest tactics…

He groans in frustration, rubbing the temples of his head. Ed tries to think of anything or anyone else to get his emotions elsewhere and for his second head to calm down. 

It’s November 29th, he absolutely despises the concupiscent mess he’s become over this past month. But he can taste the finish line and it tastes like you. The moment it hits midnight on December 1st. He’s gone and he’s taking you down with him. 

Zero Year Riddler (3.5 out of 10):

This dick head. This candy ass…

Listen, listen, he’s too much of a greedy attention whore to stop getting what he wants. He doesn’t care for some stupid challenge. What good is it if it’s just going to keep him from doing what he wants? That just seems highly stupid and counter intuitive. 

He wants you, he’ll have you, don’t think he won’t make you break your streak as well.

No if, ands, or buts about it. Good luck coming up with a decent argument. 

Twojar Riddler (7 out of 10):

This Edward I imagine has partaken in this challenge, like…just cause? I don’t know I feel like he sometimes gets his kicks by refraining himself from doing tasks that normally compel him. So when he’s with you and you challenge him. He thinks he’s got this in the bag, but that competing with a partner makes things way more tantalizing. 

He didn’t stop to think what would happen if his teasing tricks were ever thrown back in his face. It becomes less about keeping himself in check and more about getting you to lose first.

It’s barely the 10th of November, neither of you have made a provocative move yet. Albeit at this point just about everything you do turns him on. Ed misses touching and holding you, and as much as he hates to admit it, it’s frustrating as hell for him. 

You bent down to pick something off the floor and before you know it, you’re launched onto the couch with Ed instantly hovering over you. 

You both may have lost, but you never felt more like a winner seeing how you made Gotham’s enigma snap. 

Gotham City Sirens Riddler (10 out of 10):

Oohh, this seems fun. 

It’ll definitely break up the monotony of you two’s day to day. Especially seeing as how after particular difficult cases, he either rushes home to you or puts in a call from his office for you to…um…visit. 

The lengths he goes to to distract himself from wandering about you however, proves to be the primary challenge. More often than not he’s rubbed one out at his desk when you weren’t available or he was just too wound up to move anymore. 

You may find a dart board with ten darts in it and littered with various miniscule holes. You’ll see stacks of files. One day organized by alphabet, the next shelved by chronological order. 

Edward is a mess that’s one more bad day away, one more outlandish case from absolutely railing you on the nearest surface. However, he finds relief when he glances at his calendar and sees it’s December 1st. Grinning, he decides to close his office early and come straight home to you. 

Young Justice Riddler (-5 out of 10):

Okay, first of all. How dare you, t-this is just absolutely cruel. The poor baby girl can’t even handle holding hands or cheek kisses?? 

You have to go over the rules with him a few times. One is to make sure he understands, the second is for it to sink in how royally screwed he is…ironically. He tries, the sweetheart absolutely does try but he doesn’t even last a day. 

Ed couldn’t help it, you just looked so pretty and you just had to kiss his cheek cause he “looks so cute.” Whatever blood was there that flushed his face went straight down to his groin and he was bricked up before he even got to the bathroom. 

Telltale Riddler (11 out of 10):

This old bag rolls his eyes at the challenge. Much like Arkhamverse, he finds it extremely primitive and stupid waste of time and energy. He indulges you though, on the sole purpose of seeing you get riled up and flustered. 

You don’t even get to try and tease him or make him break. He’s already somehow three steps ahead of you. He infiltrates your thoughts and gets under your skin like a crusty rugged viper. All of a sudden it became a test more so for you than him. 

He wins by a dumb landslide. Ed chuckled pleased, of course he’d win, you shouldn’t expect any less. Now…his prize?

Hush (DCAU) Riddler (4.5 out of 10):

Much like a few other Riddlers on here, this Ed tries fumbling convince you that he would win. He won’t fall for your flirtatious wiles…however that’s not what he had to be concerned with. 

It would be the middle of the month, like November 20th or 25th almost more than halfway through. He’s bound up tight, his stress on the brink of tipping over, but he tries to remind himself the reward will be worth it. Not to mention the absolute bragging rights…

Until he has a run-in with Batman or he’s the butt of another joke among the Rogues Gallery. His confidence is crushed. You don’t even have to ask him what’s wrong, you can just tell. You’re the only one that can make him feel like he’s worth something, that he is a somebody. 

You make all the mocking sneers, jeers, and cackles go away.

Let the poor man lose, and let him lose sweetly. There’s always next year.

[dearmrsawyer]

My garden!!!!!! Everything is growing so happily!! The giant beast is the zucchini, it has declared itself the king. I have been deriving a huge amount of happiness from my garden which has been nice since the last month has been 🎵 the woooorst 🎵 i wrote in all my xmas cards how much better this year has been and then two days later proceeded to have such a really bad time lol

Nonna went to hospital last month with pneumonia which i was not terribly worried about as she tends to do that at least once a year, it is rough on my mum who ends up at the hospital almost every day because nonna is mostly non verbal, and its just easier for her peace of mind to be there rather than leave her to the mercy of understaffed nurses. I visited her once but i don't visit her much when she goes to hospital because i'm immunocompromised and a hospital is an excellent place to catch something! I was very surprised, given that we're in a covid wave, that not a single hospital staff member was wearing a mask when i visited (me and mum were though). Nonna was thankfully in a room on her own because she's quite high risk, although on her last day they transferred her into a ward with a bunch of other people, i assume because of limited beds. Anyways she came home after a week much improved but then dipped again very dramatically for reasons we couldn't understand. Turned out she caught COVID while she was on hospital!!! 😃 Did she catch it off an unmasked nurse or in the ward they shoved her in with 49594389043 other people? Who can say! 😀 So off she goes back to hospital! Of course she'd been home for almost a week before we found out so we all locked ourselves in our rooms testing ourselves. My mum, brother and I managed not to catch it, which is genuinely a miracle since we were all very hands on with her once she was back home, given her diminished strength. but guess who she did give it to, nonno 😀 Off to hospital he goes! So glad that the hospital, which is chronically low on beds and staff, gave both my 91yo grandparents covid so that they could take up more space in an understaffed hospital!!! (Nonna also got another infection while she was there hooray.)

They both came back home not too long after with some antivirals, and neither of them had too rough a go of it, which i am so thankful for. Once they were home we basically split the house in half, mum stayed downstairs with them since she had to keep caring for them, kareem and i stayed upstairs. Obviously it was a relief to have them home and not feel like they were likely to die anymore, but it was stressful to know that mum had to take care of them by herself, especially since nonna basically could not move at all. she was already mostly dead weight after coming home post pneumonia, so kareem would help mum get her around, but now she was even weaker, and mum didn't have any help at all. so idk it was just awful feeling useless. plus just the stress of waiting to see if we'd caught covid! none of us have had it yet, so its still quite scary to us.

We kept the house separated for about a week and a half i'd say, by that time nonno was all better and nonna was symptom free but her strength hadn't returned. it was five days of sweet relief, during which mum had a night out with one of her work friends, VERY well deserved. well well well, she caught covid on that night out 💯 she doesn't catch it whole locked in with nonna and nonno all that time and then the second she's out in public BAM. i literally. HOW. we all isolated in our rooms and started testing ourselves again, and i don't think i got more than 4 hours of sleep for nights and nights waiting to see if i'd caught it AGAIN. also kareem's gf tested positive a day later, so kareem had been exposed to mum AND his gf, and i'd been exposed to mum AND kareem. i was literally like my number is up how can we get away with this again. in what can simply not be anything other than an act of god, kareem and i dodged it yet again. the RELIEF, also the relief of not having to mask everytime i left my room and sanitise my hands and everything i touched, i do not take that for granted. of course once again i have felt useless that mum is again left to care for nonna and nonno alone WHILE she's unwell 😕 but i have been able to cook for her, i've gotten to cook some of my garden vegetables for her! so that's been nice. mum also wasn't hit too hard thankfully, and we'll stop separating the house on wednesday. i literally don't want to have contact with another human being for the foreseeable future, i am sick of isolating and thinking i have covid and not sleeping, everyone stay away from me and let me live in peace \o/

while all of this has been going on work has been so horribly stressful lol i have not been able to decide whether it's a relief to work and block out home life or get off the clock and block out work life. a handful of small projects were thrust upon me in late november, all of which needed to be done before the end of the year. why they couldn't be greenlit earlier i literally do not know, since i know their need was identified months ago. i do love being overwhelmed and crying at my desk 😀 also i genuinely feel these projects should not be my responsibility and so while i do think my input was needed on them i was very crankly that they were assigned to me, and that if they operate as planned will become a regular fixture of my role next year, which is already VERY stressful to think about because students are returning to campus next year, and i'm significantly busier than i was last time students were on campus, so i'm concerned about how i'll be able to do everything i need to do. plus these new projects i don't want but have to manage.

UGH well the good news is that i am already on holidays, usually i would work until a couple of days before xmas but i would like to thank august!jamila for deciding to move my usual block of leave up by a week, and thursday was my last day of work for the year. she could not have known how much december!jamila would need that but she did it anyway. some good things that i have gotten to enjoy through this past month were my garden and getting to watch the recent dr who specials in my lounge room under my christmas lights. a friend lent me some books that i have been DEVOURING they have been sooo good, and i have also been reading lots of wonderful fic. it is almost christmas and i am planning all the desserts i will make and i'm excited! ugh i survived this past month and i did not catch covid and everyone is alive, i am hoping that on wednesday this chapter can finally close.

[i-love-def-leppard]

my def leppard meet n greet experience 2023 🫶🏻🫶🏻

a/n: this is my personal experience that actually happened to me a few months ago. it sounds crazy but it actually happened. i have never been more grateful for an experience in my life. i love the def leppard boys with my whole heart and manifest that you all get to meet them one day as well. i hope you enjoy my story time and lmk if you all would like to hear a list of my concert highlights from being right in-front of the boys (especially joe) during the concert. i love you all and hope you enjoy my attempt at putting all my thoughts into once place haha!! ❤️❤️

okay everyone! storytime.

SOOO…back in february i did the meet n greet package with def leppard and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. so, as i was waiting in line i was FREAKING out obviously!!!! when it was my sister and i’s turn to go next, they pulled back the curtain and the boys were standing right in front of us on the little platform that they stood on to maintain the 6 foot distance that they are keeping for their meet n greets (sadly because i want to shake their hands but i completely respect their choice). my heart is racing just thinking back on it.

then, i remember walking in and saying hi to all of them but i remember not being able to look away from joe. HIS EYES! they literally drew me in. they are unbelievable to see in person and are unreal. i don’t even have the words to describe it. they are cat-like if that makes any sense. ANNDDDDD he was wearing dark red which sent me over the edge! anywaysss, i walked in and my sister and i said “hi” to all of them and i was able to say a few things to them which are kinda irrelevant for this storytime but all that matters is that I MADE THEM LAUGH!!! i remember hearing sav laugh the loudest…i am so proud of myself. then after i finished briefly talking, i turned around to the camera man so he could take the pictures. i put my arm around my sister as we waited for him to finish and LET ME TELL YOU…it was SOOOO scary standing in-front of them because i knew they were all just standing behind me! the people i have been idolizing for years are just standing there. it is so intimidating but so thrilling!

to continue…the camera man says to us that he got the pictures he wanted which sadly meant it was time for us to leave. as i was walking out from the curtained off room we were in, i made sure to look behind me and walk kind of side ways so i could take them in for as long as possible. now here is where it gets good. as me and my sister were walking out i told them “thank you” and that it was so great to meet them when joe said, “bye ladies i hope you enjoy the show” as he reached out with both hands (in a little wave) and leaned forward to us. THEN…it is at this exact moment when i saw his eyes trail down my body and back up with a smirk on his face. LIKE OMG ITS GETTING HOT IN HERE YALL!!!!!!!!!!

at this point i was absolutely losing my shit and couldn’t even talk. when we left the curtain my sister goes “*my name* DID YOU SEE HOW HE LOOKED AT YOU AT THE END?!” and i said “UM YESSSS WHAT THE ACTUAL F***?!” so yeah. woah.

now guys. it’s been months since this has happened and i am still in the recovery process. like what?! i feel so lucky and grateful to have been able to meet the boys and experience that night. now i have become even more obsessed.

i cannot stress enough how sweet they were and it is so easy to tell that they are all genuinely amazing people. i have so much respect for them.

also i was able to get front and center at the barricade for the concert and joe kept looking at me and at my tits. he would look at me during the songs and i could see his eyes trail down MULTIPLE times. joe hun…you aren’t as sly as you think haha! it’s so weird to type out but it actually happened which is even crazier! and now…i know some of y’all might think i am being de-lulu but I have people to back up these occurrences. anddd my joe hoes already know that he can be a little slutty at times even at his current age. (he has had many slutty eras lol) i mean just listen to him sing pour some sugar on me during the concerts lol 😏😏

also from this, you all should take notes to wear something similar to what i wore if you want joe to notice you. because he clearly enjoyed it. i wore a low cut red cropped corset top with black leather pants and black platform boots. and yes i wore red on purpose because i knew it was joe’s favorite color. i also wore the leather pants because it gave me rockstar gf vibes and also made my butt look good lol. red long acrylic nails too!

alright. okay. wow, that was a lot of words. thanks for reading all of this if you have gotten all the way down here. this is not my usual content but i personally love hearing other people’s experiences so i figured i’d share mine. i appreciate you all!

p.s. i am super tempted to add my picture in here from the meet n greet with me and my sister but i prefer to stay anonymous. i hope you all can understand as much as i would love to show it <3

hugs and kisses to you all from i-love-def-leppard 🫶🏻

[continuing-studies]

Go to Asia with your family: Toddlers hiding things

One thing about being away with small kids for an extended period is that there is a lot of development happening while you're gone. By the time we get back to Germany in the springtime, our son will have lived more of his life to that point traveling around Asia (3 months) than in his so-called home (2).

But their development doesn't just go on pause. Just as I would like to think that somewhere deep inside their little minds these kids are being influenced positively by the experiences they're having right now, all of the different phases that would come anyway for them are coming here and now, while we're on the go.

As one might expect, we see this in particular with our older daughter. Toddlers are already such complex little creatures, like a tadpole that is almost big enough to be a frog but hasn't quite grown its full frog legs. There's something new happening inside their brains literally all the time. At the same time, being in a totally different environment inevitably shapes the context in which every new phase takes place.

When we were in Pakistan last month Maya began hiding things for the first time (that we're aware of). To any parents reading this: maybe you know this one? It's cute, and funny, but sometimes there are also things that maybe you left out which you didn't want to be hidden, and this might lead to some stressful situations or, in our case, an unfortunate misunderstanding.

Keep reading for the details!

Saturday 21 January 2023

Karachi

Lately Maya has developed a habit of mysteriously hiding things in strange places.  We first noticed last week when all of a sudden half of the pieces to her baby and grown-up animal puzzles went missing.  Zara kept asking me where they all were, to the point that I got a bit defensive thinking that she thought I was simply being careless and lost them.  In reality I was as confused as she was.  When Maya and I were playing with the puzzles in the drawing room last Saturday morning, just one piece was missing - the baby rhino, the same one that has been missing since we left Berlin.  A few hours later at least 4 baby and grown-up animal sets were completely missing, along with a few more random individual pieces.

We puzzled over the missing puzzle pieces for the rest of the weekend.  I looked in sofa crevices, under carpets, and every other tight space I could think of where Maya wouldn’t possibly cram one or several puzzle pieces.  Zara at one point announced that she had figured it out - Maya probably put the pieces in the trash bin.  This sounded plausible, but I convinced myself it wasn’t true because the trash had been taken out the same day we were playing and that would mean the pieces had entered the Karachi waste stream already, never to be seen again.  They’ll turn up, I insisted.

The next day Zara finally shared some good news - she knew where the pieces were.  She’d asked Maya, who the whole time had been saying they were upstairs but declined to give any further specifics.  Eventually Zara asked again when they were in the bedroom together and Maya pointed to the bottom of the bed, where there is the slightest of gaps between the solid wood bedframe and the floor.  I’d already dismissed this as a possibility myself, thinking the gap was too small.  But sure enough, upon checking further I could see the edge of one of the baby animals poking out close to the opening.  One-by-one apparently because I can’t imagine it working out any other way, Maya had taken the time to slide at least 8 individual puzzle pieces underneath a massive wood bedframe in the only place where they would fit, because why not.

I got the missing pieces later in the week after I had my strength back.  It was a physical task.  Before sliding the heavy bedframe across the floor to reveal the pieces, the large double mattress also had to be lifted off the frame and propped against a wall.  And in order to move the bedframe, multiple other pieces of furniture also had to be temporarily adjusted.  The sight of the pieces after straining to push the heavy, unwieldy frame across a marble floor was a bit like finding buried treasure.  Moving the physical manifestations of heaven and earth to recover toys that my child has hidden in the most impossible places - these are clearly the things that bring me joy as a toddler papa.

Later in the week things got a bit more real when Zara’s pink fanny pack all of a sudden also disappeared.  She realized that she couldn’t find it as she was getting ready to leave to bring Camino to get his vaccines on Thursday afternoon.  I asked if there was anything important in it - no passports or important documents, fortunately, but there was a fair amount of cash.  Zara looked everywhere, as we did with the puzzle pieces, driving herself mad in the process as each new obscure location failed to yield the pink bag.  We ran through all the scenarios.  Hadn’t Maya been wearing it that morning?  Did she bring it to Nani’s school?  Zara didn’t think so.  Where was she playing with it last?  I had seen her with it in her bedroom that morning.  Was it there?  No.  Zara asked Maya where she put it, her frustration with the situation (and with Maya) becoming increasingly clear.  Maya kept repeating that “Maya put it somewhere”, but wasn’t able to elaborate.

Finally Zara left with Camino and Maya went down for a nap, which gave me some time to look around again.  I honestly didn’t even know where to start.  It felt like Zara had already frantically searched everywhere, but maybe with a clear head and not being in a rush I would be able to figure out where somewhere could be.  I scanned the main upstairs common area as well as our bedroom, and then wondered if Zara had checked the two leather side tables next to our bed.  I opened the top drawer on my side - sure enough, there was the pink bag, sitting there in the drawer next to our two journals.

Later on when Zara came back I walked downstairs with the pink bag, eager to show her that the mystery was again solved.  While she was out Zara had already called Rita, the house cleaner who has been coming over every day to the house where we're staying, to ask if she’d seen the bag while she was over that morning.  Rita made a special trip back and was looking around for the bag, just as I walked into the living room with it.  Although Zara and Rita were both obviously happy that we had found the bag, things disappearing in homes can be a touchy subject in Pakistan, and we saw that in Rita’s reaction.  The vast inequalities in class and material ownership here make petty theft from domestic helpers a not-infrequent occurrence, and Rita was obviously sensitive to any suspicion that we may have had that she may have taken the pink bag.  In reality that was the furthest thing from our minds — we knew all along that the culprit was our mischievous 2 1/2 year-old.  But Zara had to clear this up and reassure Rita, who was fighting back tears.  She has been wonderful to us this whole time and particularly cute with Maya, who she even looked after on one of our last days for a few hours.  So Zara, naturally, felt terrible that this pink bag mystery had made Rita feel in any way insecure about what we might have thought of her.

That afternoon we all sat on the terrace as the sun went down, Camino on his back in his usual spot taking in the Karachi street sounds, Maya playing with playdough, and Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan serenading us all through our BlueTooth speaker.  Zara attempted to explain to Maya that the situation with the bag had made Rita feel really bad before trailing off.  How do you articulate the human complexities of post-colonialism, inequality, feudalistic social hierarchies, and material wealth itself to a toddler who just likes hiding things?  

We left it there, for now, as a chilly evening breeze eventually blew us back inside the house - a conversation for another day. 

On Friday as I was getting something in Maya’s room, I noticed just in time out of the corner of my eye as she attempted to slide one of her Spanish dinosaur books into that same opening as the puzzle pieces, the one between the bedframe and the floor. 

[slaapkat]

2, 4, 5 for alan & jared <3

HOPE THIS IS DECENT

2. What is their grooming routine? (how do they treat themselves in private)

Alan: METICULOUS. given that physical age is more of a concept than reality at this point (thank you starheart) something like skincare isn’t a huge deal or importance or of any real use but he still has a very careful morning routine after showering to put everything in its place. borderline american psycho style. pre-beard he’d shave as often as he could get away with it. post-beard he trims it EVERY DAY with a specially designated pair of personal grooming scissors. however the process of actually growing that beard was hell on earth.

also nowadays alan keeps his hair pretty neatly combed and/or slicked back but Back In The Day his guilty pleasure was getting PERMS BABEY. all about that permanent wave. it was the one extravagance he allowed himself all to feel pretty and fancy.

Jared: what’s a grooming routine. he wakes up. at most shaves every couple days. showers when he gets to rank (varies). when his hair gets too long he goes at it with scissors or a knife (whichever is closest) (usually the knife). the most care he takes is when dying his hair (which is barely: rip to whoever sink he chooses)

4. Do they have any scars or tattoos? (good way to get into literal backstory) 

Alan: the very nature of the starheart ensures he never suffers any permanent scarring, and he’s too old-fashioned for any tattoos. however, he does have a minor scar from a superficial gunshot wound on his right bicep from his younger days.

Jared: dozens that are either too minor or too uneventful to really be memorable from an already hard life. but of those the most significant would probably be the scar on his left thumb from when he fucked up a trick with a butterfly knife because paradoxically it reminds him of easier times. otherwise there’s the scarred ankh permanently burned into his face, and the ugly scarred tissue separating his right shoulder from the rest of his chaotic arm. a large scar down the middle of his back from being stabbed by the Fate knife by Mordru, it never quite fully heals due to its magical nature and thus stays kinda permanently red and irritated.

also personally I firmly believe Jared DOES have tattoos, but they’re all primarily sucky terrible looking stick-n-pokes from his dumb teenager days and as it happens the majority of them were on his chaos arm (lost to chaos). then there’s also the one he got with lobo when he was exiled.

5. What was the last time they cried, and under what circumstances? (Good way to get some *emotional* backstory in.)

Alan: when he started making the steps towards coming out, it was no less emotional each and every time. half because it had taken so long for alan to finally say it out loud, half because the entire reason he waited so long was because he was afraid of their reactions. canonically when he tears up coming out to Todd and Jennie, non-canonically when the train collection piece he’d been waiting months for finally gets delivered.

Jared: not like he exactly started out with his head screwed on tight, and the whole Fate business kinda made it worse. suffers slight breakdowns now and then when the stress of losing his arm and eye gets too much. canonically suffers from sensory overload at times and I imagine that contributes to it significantly. in my own hc when he comes back to life he cries a bit when he worries arn didn’t. also when he realizes too late he’s run out of cigarettes.

[gareleia]

Had Worse

Chapter: 2/6

Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

Word count: 3403

Relationships: Edward Elric & Vato Falman & Team Mustang.

Tags: 5+1 Things, Pre-Canon, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Blood, Edward Elric Has Issues, Depressed Vato Falman, Language.

Summary: Where the fuck did the Colonel find this kid?

OR

5 times Edward said 'I've had worse' and horrified his poor innocent coworkers with his Tragic Backstory and 1 time he wasn't able to (to everyone's relief)

Read on AO3

It was unanimously agreed that out of everyone on the Mustang's unit Warrant Officer Vato Falman had the highest pain tolerance.

It was ironic, considering the fact that the man had been happily serving in intelligence for most of his career and was promptly put on desk duty upon joining the team. One would think that with First Lieutenant Havoc's habit of getting shot at at least once a month (if not on a mission then by a very pissed off relative of his current girlfriend-of-the-week) or with Colonel Roy Mustang's tendency to get in trouble on rainy days, the statistic would be different.

Appearances, however, were often deceiving. It was a very little known fact, but Falman was always in some kind of pain. A condition that had been passed onto him by his great-grandmother, relatively harmless if severely impairing his quality of life. It only really began to set in after he turned thirty and was well into his military career. The doctors' only advice was to suck it up, do his stretches and accept that his body was past its prime and would never again reach the same level of performance.

The combination of bad genes, steadily declining health and stress of both his wife and superior officers breathing down his neck took it's toll on Vato. At forty years old he already felt sixty, exhausted and hopeless, his bones and muscles burning for no good reason and his hair graying rapidly. It was quite possible the worst time of his life, and in his darkest moments he had to take a look at himself and wonder if anything he'd ever done was worth it.

Was that the end? Decades of sacrifices, dedication and hard work, all for nothing? So much time wasted holding onto his failing marriage, grasping at straws to advance his career, and that was all he got? Had he made all the wrong choices, every mistake imaginable, to end up alone and constantly in pain? Or was he simply unlucky, a victim of circumstance, and none of his suffering and struggles had any meaning?

What was the point of it all?

Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist, had quite possibly saved Falman's life. Many things could be said about the man, concerning both his personality and work ethic, but it took one passing conversation after Major Hughes introduced them for him to offer Vato a position in his team.

Vato had nothing but his pain, no goals, no close friends, even his children were away and better off without him. He had nothing left to lose, so when the man with ash in his footsteps and inferno in his eyes reached out with his bloodied hand, Falman took it. And never looked back.

Damn the consequences. If he was destined to burn anyway, he could at least do it for a cause.

And burn he did. His body and his soul. With pain and passion, in all imaginable ways but the literal one (except that one time on stakeout that Second Lieutenant Havoc still owed him for). Because he had nothing left to lose but everything to gain, and he knew that no matter what his team would be there to breathe life into his charred remains.

It was baffling, sometimes, how readily he would die for each and every one of his comrades. But, then again, he knew that all of them would gladly do the same for him. Vato knew family - had had a family once, before his illness made him a husk of a man his wife couldn't bear to live with. His whole life he wanted nothing more than to matter, to belong. And now he finally did.

Colonel Mustang's unit was tight-knit and they all helped each other. Falman had never been good with words and he preferred to work with data instead of people for a reason, but he soon found that with his people words didn't mean much in the first place. Instead, he simply did his best to take care of his friends and they never failed to do the same.

For instance, the rainy day flare-ups. Logically Vato knew that in Central it on average rained 139 days of the year, which was a relatively small number. Measly 38% of his life was affected by changes in barometric pressure. Nothing to cry about, especially considering that he wasn't even going out in the field a lot these days.

He'd been determined not to mention anything about it to his colleagues, but as always, there wasn't any need. Upon arriving in the office (precisely on time, even if he had to get up early to make up for his body fighting him at every turn) Falman had found a fresh cup of coffee and a bottle of aspirin, courtesy of Master Sergeant Fuery. Vato had never had the heart to tell the young man that aspirin couldn't help this kind of pain. The sentiment was still sweet and the seeing Kain's earnest face lit up at Falman's grateful nod warmed his heart.

During the day Vato did his best to carry out his duties as usual. It was a slow process as the burning in his joints was greatly affecting his ability to concentrate on papers he was filing. He knew for sure it must have been obvious with how often he paused to stretch a little, or how he tried to inconspicuously massage his back, or even just by the way his share of paperwork was taking twice as long to get done. Still, First Lieutenant Hawkeye, always eager to improve the team's performance with liberal use of firearms, said nothing of him not meeting her standards.

Even Second Lieutenant Havoc made a considerable effort not to smoke in his presence, knowing full well how the smell affected his budding headache.

"Falman," Second Lieutenant Breda called, breaking his already fragile focus. "We're going out to have lunch. Will you join us?"

Vato bit his lip and looked forlornly at the sheets of paper on his desk.

"No. I'm not particularly hungry, and I'd rather catch up on my workload. I'm already behind as it is."

"Nobody would blame you if you took it easy for once, you know? You're already the second most effective person in this office, between you and Hawkeye you should live some work for the rest of us!"

Breda chuckled and Falman cracked up a smile in return, but still shook his head. They all had their duties, like cogs in the machine, and he'd be damned before he let it come to a halt because of one faulty piece.

"Alright," sighed the Second Lieutenant. "But we're grabbing you a sandwich at least, my treat." And left before Vato could refuse.

What a team to end up on. He really was lucky, wasn't he?

He's only ten minutes into the lunch, however, when the peace and quiet came to an abrupt end with a steel-toed boot almost kicking the door off the hinges.

"'Sup, guys!" came a cheerful, loud, yell as their newest recruit waltzed in started looking around in confusion. "Where's everyone?"

"Major Elric," Vato saluted stiffly, lips pinched in poorly disguised disapproval. "This is lunchtime, I'd imagine our colleagues are having lunch in the cafeteria. Isn't today your day off?"

It was. It was Fullmetal's day off and shouldn't have been here, loudly, out of uniform (again) breaking things (again) ignoring regulations (AGAIN)... At least he didn't bring his brother this time. Small mercies.

"Shit, man, would you stop it with the ranks? I'm Ed. Just call me 'Ed'. Or 'Edward' if you're so formal. Live a little!"

Why was it suddenly his turn for babysitting duty? Vato couldn't even look after his own kids, and especially not on a rainy day like this. But how was he supposed to politely say 'Go away, boy, I'm in too much pain to deal with you today'?

"It's against regulations, Sir." Vato shrugged despite his muscles' furious protests. "Did you need something?"

It wasn't that he disliked Edward Elric particularly. He was loud and annoying and more than a handful, if their first few weeks of serving together were anything to go by, but at his age it was nothing terribly unusual.

"Yeah, look, do we have a med kit here or something?"

Edward Elric was a child, even when he desperately tried to appear a grown up. And Falman... Falman hadn't had the best experience with children. In fact, in his own humble opinion, he should've been kept away from kids, at all times.

Fullmetal was now a part of the team, and their team took care of each other. The only way Vato could take care of the boy was if he stayed as far away from him as possible. Because, given his track record - he'd fuck the kid up.

"The right cabinet, second shelf from the top." He hesitated. "Do you... Do you need help reaching it?"

"WHO ARE CALLING SO SMALL HE HAS TO CLIMB FOR HOURS JUST TO REACH THE TOP SHELF?!"

Vato recoiled at the outburst and closed his eyes for a moment in an effort to make the headache slightly more bearable. The boy continued mumbling under his breath about his 'completely average' size and then let out a suspiciously quiet swear. Falman briefly debated pretending not to notice, but he could see the kid's legs shaking with the effort as he  stood on his very tiptoes, gripping the open door for support.

"I could-"

"Shut it!" Elric barked. "I can do it myself!"

Vato sighed again and, for better or for worse, got up from his desk. As quickly as his tortured body let him he came over to the cabinet and took out the case.

"There's nothing wrong with accepting help sometimes." He insisted, echoing the words usually directed at him. "Everyone needs help. No one thinks less of you for that."

Fullmetal said nothing as he grabbed the med kit out of Falman's hands, face so red it almost matched his coat.

And then he stopped. Looked up at Vato, cheeks still alight with embarrassment but his gaze uncomfortably serious. He stared the man down, piercing, cutting him into tiny little boxes and sorting everything inside. Tearing his soul out and weighting it against a feather, with the same burning intensity Lieutenant Colonel Mustang once upon a time directed at him.

The Flame Alchemist looked into his eyes and saw someone worth saving, someone worth trusting. What would Fullmetal see?

"Alright then." Edward nodded to himself and shoved the kit back into Falman's numb hands. "Since you're offering, I could use a hand."

The boy snickered as if he'd made a joke and strode confidently into the Colonel's vacant office.

"Colonel Mustang is also having lunch," He called out, following the kid. "You may wait for him outside."

"Nah," He shrugged, unconcerned. "I figured the Bastard would be slacking off. But if I'm gonna bleed, I'm doing it on his couch, because fuck him."

"Bleed?!" Oh god, please let the child just be dramatic, just for the sake of his own dwindling sanity. "If you're injured I can walk you to the infirmary."

"Nah," Elric shrugged again and threw himself on the couch, taking great care to put his muddied boots on an armrest and ignore Vato clearly dying at the sight. "It's just a scratch. I'd take care of it myself, but I'm right-handed and I don't trust my left to do the job."

With that he pulled up his coat to reveal his right leg. Right leg, in the tight leather pants so clearly against the regulations. Right leg in platform boots covered in mud, rainwater and god knows what else.

Right leg.

With a knife sticking out of it.

"So?" Edward asked impatiently. "Come on, you said you wanted to help, and I don't have all day."

This. This wasn't happening. There was no way.

"Is this a prank?" He managed, faintly, staring at the blood soaking through his pants, through that damn red coat and into the Colonel's prized 'comfy' couch.

"What? No! What the hell, do you think I'd come into this shithole on my day off for a prank? It was closer than the dorms and I didn't want Al to freak out over nothing."

Well, now Vato was freaking out.

"This isn't nothing! You've been stabbed! You need a doctor!"

"No!" The boy sounded annoyed. Petulant. Like he was declining broccoli instead of urgently needed medical care. This couldn't be real. "I told you, it's a scratch. That knife's, like, two inches tops, and it's not even all the way in. I'd pull it out immediately, but I figured I might need a stitch or two so I walked here."

"How did you even walk?!"

"Well. Carefully. Duh. Didn't want to jolt it too much just in case it nicks an artery or some shit. That'd be a pain to deal with."

He snickers again as he starts rummaging through the case, picking up bandages and rubbing alcohol.

"This is bullshit, you guys call this a 'med kit'? You don't even have needles! How do you live like that?"

"If the would is deep enough to require stitches the protocol suggests getting medical staff involved. Come on, let me carry you-"

"Hands off, old man!" The kid yelled and jerked away. "Look, if you're not gonna help, you can just go. I'll deal with it myself, like I always do."

"How often does this happen?!"

"You know, sometimes." Edward shifted uncomfortably. "So what'll it be? 'M not getting any younger."

He stared. He thought. He analyzed. This was his strong suit, his one redeeming quality. His brain was wired for creating and utilizing statistics, rules, solutions. He looked at problems and he dealt with them, one step at a time.

Now, he wondered, what would the first step be? If he left to call for help, Fullmetal would undoubtedly run. And if he tried to use the phone or carry the child to safety... That wouldn't be a fight he could win. Not in his current condition.

Vato let out a loud, deep, miserable sigh and pinched his nose.

"You'll need to pull your pants down. And I'm not much of a nurse. All of us have a first aid training, but I never had to stitch a wound before."

"That's fine. It's not much harder than sewing clothes, you'll just need to use more force. And I grew up with surgeons, I know how it's done and I'll walk you through it. All I need from you are your steady hands."

Steady hands. That he could manage.

(And by god, he did. He had no choice, not with a child at his mercy. The team looks out for each other. A father looks after a son. Even someone else's.

And wasn't that his greatest regret in the first place? That he stood by and did nothing for his own kids? He wallowed in his misery and left them long before they left him and he'd never earn forgiveness.

But he was burning anyway, his body and his soul, and he'd let them both turn to ash before he made the same mistake again.

Never again.)

In the end it didn't even take much time. Or maybe Vato was just so focused on not fucking up the kid that hours had passed by unnoticed in his single-minded determination.

"Yeah, I think that's it." Fullmetal said finally and the man sinked onto the floor. "Thanks a ton, Falman, I owe you one."

"You're welcome," he responded, feeling faint from both the nervous tension and the absolute agony his back rewarded him with for crouching on his knees for half an hour. "But I'm never, never, ever doing it again."

Edward laughed.

"It's okay, you did great for a beginner. It'll still leave a scar, but I have too much of those to give a fuck anymore."

He then proceeded to move his hip experimentally, as if testing how much force it would take for the stitches tear.

"Doesn't that hurt?"

The words slipped out before Vato could stop himself. The boy refused to take anything from the meager selection of over-the-counter painkillers and haven't flinched once during the so-called 'procedure', but now that he thought about it more, it was a very, very bad sign. The alchemist must've been going into shock.

"Eh, not particularly. I've had worse. Much worse." He had a faraway look on his face, and Falman wondered briefly if Fullmetal was having a flashback, but then his mouth opened in a silent 'oh' and finally settled into a horrible, knowing grin. "Ah, I see. The Bastard hasn't told you, has he? Just like that dick to keep all information for himself."

"What do you mean?"

Falman didn't believe in intuition, he believed in experience. And his was telling him that he wouldn't like where this was going.

"Look!" The boy put his left leg up in as perfect a split as he could manage while sitting with a freshly stitched hip and let the gravity work it's magic. "I've got metal leg!"

Vato choked.

The leather pants pulled up just enough to reveal steel where flesh should have been. Automail.

Elric cheerfully continued.

"Goes just above the knee! Also, my right arm all up to the shoulder. Which is why I couldn't stitch myself. I'm right-handed, but I couldn't risk breaking the needle, and doing it with a non-dominant hand is just asking for trouble."

Vato stared.

"But... It's raining..." What a useless thing to focus on. "How did you even walk? I have a cousin with automail, on rainy days he can't even get out of bed!"

He half expected the boy to scoff and say something along the lines of: "Well, your cousin is a pussy, and I'm cool as shit!" Instead he saw the child's grin dim into a grimace.

"Well, that's not unusual. Everyone deals with it differently. My pain tolerance was fucked up even before the surgery, so, really, I've kinda always been a freak."

And once again Falman couldn't stop his tongue from moving, but, just this once, he didn't even try.

"Don't say that."

"Huh?"

His hands were on boy's shoulders and now that he knew what he was looking for it was so easy to tell the difference, he didn't know how he never noticed it before. He held Edward down both firmly and as gently as he could, as he never got to hold his own children, and for a second he imagined a different boy sitting there.

What would he tell his son?

"You're not a freak. Maybe you were just built different. It makes you all the cooler for putting up with more bullshit than the rest of us."

"You swore!" The boy cackled and his eyes lit up with wonder, but there was something so raw and painful in them that it made Vato's own raging fire look like a candle in comparison. "And you think I'm cool?"

"Yes, Edward. The coolest"

And for the first time they've known each other Falman didn't have to force himself to smile. Fullmetal's answering grin felt a like warm sun on his aching bones.

(And just a little bit like forgiveness.)

"Ha! You just wait until our next argument, Bastard! I got Falman to swear, now no one can stop me!"

Elric hopped off the couch, laughing maniacally, and ran out the door before Vato could even think to stop him.

It was, perhaps, for the best. After getting a glimpse into the weight that boy had been carrying on his shoulders, Falman didn't want him to see the man crawling to his desk. Who was he to complain about his pain when they had a literal child soldier around with two metal limbs?

He had so many questions. How did this happen? What about his little brother and that armor? Their parents? And what on earth did they think they were doing, joining the military at that age? Twelve and eleven, oh, it was completely absurd.

There was so much data to work with, to uncover, to analyze. But for the very first time in his life...

"I've had worse. Much worse."

...Vato Falman was absolutely certain that he didn't want to know.

[lunapwrites]

Been a minute since I've done a reading, and they were calling to me this morning and also I'm just having a very shitty morning so let's fuckin go.

First, gonna open up with the rune we're studying today, which is sowilo.

This is the sun: guidance, goal setting, mastery, and success. It is a rune of clarity and healing. I feel like this gives an overall more auspicious tone to the tarot spread for today, which is... good.

The key takeaway with this bad boy is "you are on the struggle bus. The tribulation train. The purgatory pontoon. But keep moving, for the love of god, because I promise it'll be worth it."

I'm going to drop the longer interpretation under a break so I'm not forcing everyone to read it, so you're welcome lol.

Also, you'll note I'm going to use "we" here, because this ain't just about me today folks.

Starting off with our "hey, it you" card, Knight of Swords is ambition, action, motivation. The hustle game is strong in this house right now.

Nine of Swords is just here to remind me that the reason we're hustling is because the alternative is giving into the cloud of anxiety and despair hovering over us every day (which doesn't go away, but it's at least a little easier to move through if we just don't stop and think about it, literally DO NOT STOP.)

The Magician is manifestation and resourcefulness. Bringing ideas and dreams into fruition, which goes hand in hand with our friendly Knight. Hustle. But likewise it's a source of some of that surrounding anxiety. We're doing great over here folks!

Three of Wands is the card of enterprise and opportunity. We saw a chance and we took it, and that's led us to where we are now. Likewise, there's an element of foresight and planning involved here. None of what's happening now happened on a whim. Or... you know, at least our whims lol.

Normally I tend to read this position as "goals," but in this exact context it's reading more as a "why." There's been a lot of reveals recently, a lot of red and yellow flags, and that's got us moving forward very carefully -- but still moving forward.

Eight of Pentacles brings us right back to the hustle, but more specifically indicates skill mastery and general "improvement." We are really rolling our sleeves up and trying to make life more bearable for ourselves.

The next two cards are tied together very closely, so I'm going to discuss them together in like... The vaguest possible terms lol. These positions loop back around once more to our Knight, and speak more on our internal and external influences. The Eight of Swords indicates that we feel trapped, in one sense or another. Probably several. We can see the exit, and we can technically leave at any time, but we've reasoned we have no choice but to stay -- at least for now. The Seven of Swords indicates a betrayal, but (and especially with the Knight in context) it also indicates strategy. We are not sitting idly in hell. We are planning, and we are making moves, and we WILL land on our feet. We are putting ourselves first.

Knight of Pentacles in the hopes and fears position is, on its face, underwhelming: like, woo, you're going to be working hard and persevering, and making slow but steady progress. But within the context of the reading as a whole, it makes more sense why such a small aspiration seems so huge.

Finally the Ten of Pentacles. Man, all I can really say about this one is just that I wanted to cry when I saw it. It's THE goal. Long term success, foundations, sustainable future. Security. Home. Like I cannot stress enough how big a deal this is, what a bright light at the end of a dark ass tunnel that for once -- for once!! -- isn't an oncoming train.

None of this is telling me anything I didn't already know: the last few months have been really rough, and we're in for a few more. And things could still change between now and then. But at least as things currently are, there's an end in sight and it's going to be scary but it won't be a disaster

In theory, anyway.

But yeah this is once again my runes and cards being frighteningly on point and also in tune with each other and I think my method of "pick the one you feel in your gut" is really working out for me lol.

[eveningstxrr]

✮ ˛˚ 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐃 𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑 ✮ ˛˚

𝘀𝘆𝗻𝗼𝗽𝘀𝗶𝘀: as you drown in stress, curtsey of your mother and the ministers of her court, ludociel takes it upon himself to get you to relax.

content warning: fluff, mentions of murder, graphic description of physical injury, talks of decline in mental health. lower case intended.

author’s note: rewriting and re-uploading this fic for the third time and hopefully the last. enjoy!!

𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁: 3.0k

✮ ˛˚ 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 ✮ ˛˚

YOU LET OUT A LONG, DEFEATED SIGH, collapsing onto the chair of your office, exhausted and more than ready to call it a day.

you’d been in a meeting for the past three hours with the ministers of the holy court, the very one where all the influential nobles of the goddess clan’s government reside, and the one your mother and her maternal family oversees.

the reason for this meeting? the demon clan. why else would you have been abruptly disturbed in the middle of the day if not to discuss your sworn enemies?

out of all the issues they had to bring up during that long, three hour meeting, they just found the peace treaty you had put into place with meliodas the most pressing one. in their opinions, it was a “childish” way of handling things and the only way anyone will ever achieve peace would be through the eradication of demons as a whole.

you rub at your eyes tiredly, not caring if you smudged up your makeup— that is, until you have to represent your mother, only then would you frantically run around like a headless chicken to look presentable.

your gaze drifts towards the original copy of the treaty that you had framed on the wall in front of you, next to all the other documents you had officiated. the more you stare at it, the more your mood dampens. you recall them going on long rants and lecturing you on your seemingly never ending duties as the supreme deity’s heir, the words your cousin told you a few months ago seems to make more sense.

“those old fuckers aren’t going to stop ‘till their bathing in blood, even when they’re handed the peace they talk so much of on a gold platter.”

“i seriously have the worst luck,” you sigh, leaning your head back against the back of your chair. when the meeting finally concluded, the ministers told you to think about taking down the peace treaty and to start trying to form allies with the other races. but how could you? you’d gone through hell, literally, just to get meliodas to hear you out! it took about three years before the treaty was finally passed but now they wanted it gone already? only after two months? ridiculous.

“what am i going to do with those old men? i almost died trying to get things to work in my favour and they just want to throw away my sacrifice? and for some useless war that only amounts to bloodshed no less,” you grumble under your breath, slouching your shoulders. you feel a headache well on its way.

“it’s been nothing but peaceful too! all sunshine and rainbows but these tyrants are always itching for a fight.”

“tyrants? that’s a very creative way to address the ministers of the court, my lady.”

you feel your soul leave your body as your head shoots up to see the archangel of flash standing at the entrance of your office, his usual smile in place on his lips.

“sir ludociel!”, you sit up straight, regaining proper posture, smiling sheepishly when he takes a step forward and shuts the door behind him softly. “i didn’t hear you come in!”

it appears that you’d been too focused on rambling to yourself about the frustrating officials that you failed to realize you were no longer alone. you felt the embarrassment creep into your soul at getting caught in your ramblings, and by ludociel no less. truly embarrassing.

“ah, how rude of me to enter without knocking. my sincerest apologies,” he bows. “i couldn't help but hear your little rants. you should be careful, though, the ministers are roaming the building a lot today.”

you let out an embarrassed chuckle, your voice wavering a bit. “it’s alright, you’re always welcome to stop by. but, what are you here for, if i may ask?”

“i heard you were in a meeting with the court, you hadn’t come out for three hours, so i got worried and wanted to check up on you.”

at the reminder of the terrible conversation you’d just escaped, you let out a loud groan, slamming your head down against your desk. your head collides with the wood rather harshly and you grumble in pain, but make no move to heal yourself, letting the pain blend in with your headache. there’s definitely going to be a bruise later, and you can almost hear the voice of your lady-in-waiting scolding you with an exasperated; “what am i going to do with you, your highness?”

ludociel sighs at the sight of you hunched over and grumbling something intangible. he had noticed just how much everyone in the holy court, your mother included, had been giving you such a hard time ever since you signed off the peace treaty to put a stop to the holy war with meliodas. actually, anyone with half a brain would notice, your eye bags were getting more prominent by the day.

ludociel wouldn’t lie to himself, he also wasn’t pleased with the development as his entire goal is to bring the demon clan to ruin, but how could he tell you that when you’ve tried so hard to keep blood from spilling over? the lengths at which you go to for the betterment of the clan as well as its people are truly admirable, he couldn’t bring himself to say anything to you. the last thing he wanted was to breathe down your neck the same way everyone else was, you were already stressed and overworked enough, he didn’t want to add onto that.

“how about you go get some fresh air, my lady? surely you must be feeling suffocated in here right about now,” the archangel suggests, walking over to your desk to stand behind you, his hands resting on your shoulders and gently working at the knots there to relieve the tension that had built up. he lets out a low chuckle when you melt at his touch, your groan of approval letting him know to keep the pressure up.

“i would love to, but...”, you raise your head to look at the stacks of paperwork that had piled on your desk over the past few days, fully aware that the ministers had been giving you so much out of spite.

“you need a break, at this rate you’ll fall sick. you’re still recovering from...”, ludociel doesn’t let himself finish that sentence, he doesn’t want to remind you about the incident that had taken place more than a few years ago as it was an incredibly sensitive and traumatic event for you.

from the angle he stood, he could see some of the faded burn marks that trailed down into your dress, the discolouration of your skin making it obvious that you’d been burned in some way. it all happened during an expedition to cleanse a small village that had been overturned by demons, and you’d suffered a terrible hit by one of the demons there; a hellblaze to your back which left you incapable of flying for a while as well temporarily paralyzed, which meant a lot of bed rest.

A FEW YEARS PRIOR. A SMALL HUMAN VILLAGE.

“ARK!!”

the light from your attack envelops the vicinity. demons could be heard and seen, running for their lives, some screaming, others crying. all of them trying their hardest to escape the fate that awaits them.

you’d been leading a small troop of goddesses to cleanse out a village that had been overturned by demons, as per your mother’s request. it was nothing short of a milk run, “just a little something to get you out of your cramped office,” she said. the information provided to you stated that these demons were to be wary of, but truth be told, they were defenceless and weak. pitifully weak. none of them could stand up to your troop and that’s saying something since the soldiers you had with you were some random ones that were normally seen guarding the celestial palace.

some of the demons were just barely fighting back and a majority of them seemed to be children or pregnant women, as far as what you could see. that left them severely handicapped in this situation.

you wipe some blood off your cheek, standing back to watch the chaos unfold. the smoke emitted from the growing flames blocked up your nose and the metallic smell of blood in the air was so potent you could taste it.

just a normal day in the goddess clan, brutally massacring a town full of demons.

from your peripheral vision, you notice a movement and whip around, pointing your sword to the demon. she stares up at you, fear flickering in the pools of her obsidian eyes, she clutched something closer to her chest. you take a step forward, she backs away. upon further inspection, you see that what she’s holding is a child, an infant actually. you pause your advances, letting her take a few steps away from you. it’s clear that she had just given birth, possibly a few days or even a week prior to your attack.

a small sense of empathy pools in your chest, compelling you to let her go. your voice of reasoning flares to life, telling you that you’ve done nothing but commit a baseless massacre on weak and defenceless demons who weren’t even causing any trouble. suddenly, you’re hyper-aware of your surroundings.

the smell of smoke and burning flesh, the heavy metallic scent of blood wafting through the icy air, screams of peril and the wailing of children, war cries, and mother’s pleas. you hear everything all at once, both aware and unaware at the same time.

"STOP THE ATTACK!", the voice inside your head screams at you and you feel guilt rolling in like the snow storm that began to show its face. suddenly, the task that felt like a milk run mere seconds ago has you hyperventilating. you’re unfocused and the intense feeling of guilt that’s weighing heavily on your chest has you gasping and heaving in an attempt to get air into your system.

the smoke is making you choke up, you’re very obviously out of it. in the state of your panic, the demon goes to flee. just as she takes a step, she and her newborn are slain right before your very eyes, her blood splattering onto your face. your stomach churns and you press your hand over your mouth in an attempt to stop the bile trying to escape your mouth. you reek of blood and the smell disgusts you. you feel yourself beginning to get light headed.

“your highness!”, snapping out of your daze, your eyes try to locate the person calling out for you, though unfocused, you manage to spot them amidst all the chaos. they’re yelling something else out to you, but your ears are ringing and you feel hot. why is it suddenly so hot?

"YOUR HIGHNESS, BEHIND YOU!!"

those are the last words you hear before you’re enveloped in black flames, a shrill scream being pried from your lips as your body is incinerated.

when ludociel goes silent, you relive that moment, thinking back to the day you almost died. the day everything changed for you. it was a miracle you were even alive now. if not for fairy king gloxinia, you would've joined your predecessors a bit too early.

from what you were told, you’d been burnt down to the point where you were hardly recognizable, but, thank the creator for the fountain of youth that gloxinia was so gracious to allow you to drink from. and although you were physically healed and okay, your mental health had taken a serious decline. you were tittering on the edge of insanity, leading to a series of therapy sessions and antidepressants.

“my lady, will you take me up on that offer for a walk?”, ludociel’s soothing voice breaks through your train of thought. you blink out of your daze.

“i don’t know... i have so much work to do and i can’t really put any of it off,” you pause, reaching for your quill pen to actually start on your mountains of work.

the archangel frowns, one of his hands leaning over your shoulder to encase your smaller one in his, making sure to stop you from doing anything. you may have been healed enough to continue working, and your mental health might stable again, however, the amount of stress you’re being subjected to might put you back onto a sickbed, and that caused him great worry.

“my lady, please. even if it’s for fifteen minutes?”

“but, if i take a break now, i’ll never get all of this done,” you attempt to protest, but he’s quick to shut you down.

“you have your aides for a reason, my lady.”

“while that’s true, this is my responsibility, not my aides’. i fear i’ve had them overworked for the time i was out of commission, i don’t want to put them through that again.” even at the stake of your own health, you still look out for others. what a remarkable person you are.

but just as you are compassionate, you are stubborn and it makes the archangel sigh in exasperation. while he admires your ability to put your foot down and stand your ground, it can prove to be difficult to get you to listen to what others have to say, especially when it pertains to work related issues.

“listen to me, my lady,” he leans down closer to you, his hair tickling the back of your neck and the exposed skin of your shoulders. you shiver.

“you need to take care of yourself. taking on all these burdensome tasks by yourself is detrimental to your health! everyone hired to help you were all hired for a reason, so please, take a break.”

you want to decline, you really want to, but how can you when he speaks to you in that gentle tone? the one that conveys just how worried he is for you. damn him, his good looks, and his equally soothing voice that’s very compelling to listen to.

you contemplate for a minute, silently weighing your options before heaving out a reluctant sigh and leaning back into your chair with a nod. “alright, i’ll ... i’ll take a break.”

ludociel’s lips curl upwards into a small smile, he holds his hand out to you. “how about a stroll through the gardens? i noticed the asters have bloomed again. they’re your favourite flowers, yes?”

you can’t help the smile that creeps onto your face as you take his hand, letting him gently pull you up to your feet. he knows you so well, too well in fact. not that you mind it, of course.

“yes, they are, and that sounds like a wonderful idea,” your smile turns bashful when his hand settles onto the small of your back, rubbing soothing circles onto your skin.

the archangel leads you through the halls of the celestial palace, the both of you walking silently, just enjoying each other’s company until you reach the gardens. the cool breeze combined with the calming aromas of the different flowers hit you, and you feel your body relax. ludociel feels it as well, noting how your muscles weren’t as tense as they were before. he’ll try to coax you into getting a massage later, mael’s hands do absolute wonders.

ludociel lets go of you, watching as you wander off to take a look around the garden as it had been a long while since you’d stopped by. although he’s letting you do your own thing, he keeps a watchful eye on you, quietly taking in the ethereal sight of you surrounded by flowers. an image fit for a princess, he muses.

an hour passes leaving you fully relaxed, you had made flower crowns to pass the time. you tried your hardest to ingrain the image of ludociel adorned in flowers which attracted a few butterflies over to him. elizabeth is definitely hearing about this when you get off work. hopefully she’ll be free by then and not off massacring some village of demons in your stead.

“are you ready to head in, my lady?”, ludociel rises to his feet, flower petals falling off the flower crown to decorate his hair instead, his armoured hand is outstretched to you as it always is. guiding and grounding, he’s always been there as a rock for you as someone you can confide in and depend on. you slip your hand into his, letting your fingers intertwine. he lifts you to your feet and presses a kiss to the back of your hand. you smile at the lingering feeling of his lips on your skin.

“yes, let’s head back inside.”

as you stroll through the marble halls of the palace you’ve grown accustomed to calling home, the one that’s housed all your memories, both good and bad, you hear small whispers from the maids, fully aware that they’re watching the both of you, giggling at the sight of your entwined fingers. there’ll definitely be rumours later, but you don’t really care, and you’re sure that ludociel wouldn’t either.

“i told you a break would do you good,” he whispers to you, his deep voice, taking a smooth edge as he opens the door to your office. you step in before him an plop down into your chair, rolling your eyes at him playfully. “oh, hush.” you might hate to admit it, but you’re definitely feeling much better than you did before.

“you know I’m right, my lady.”

“i suppose you are,” you grin at the playful banter you and him have, it brings you joy to be able to joke with someone as serious as him.

you grab a stack of papers and pick up your quill pen, feeling motivated to continue on with your work. ludociel smiles and turns to leave. “now that my goal has been achieved, i shall take my leave, my—“

he gets interrupted by a knock to the door, you both exchange a look before he opens the door. he talks to the person on the other side for a bit in a hushed tone before closing the door and turning to you again.

“who was it?” you gaze at him curiously, he heaves a sigh.

“sariel. he says her majesty has called for another court meeting and wants you to be in attendance.”

“oh, for heaven’s sake...”

@𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒𝐓𝐗𝐑𝐑. 𝐝𝐨 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐩𝐲, 𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤 𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐬.

[winderlylandchime]

1/3 And here we are folks. The finale. I apologize for how long this could be because it was A LOT: ‘Im not ready for this to end. I don’t think you understand just how scared and not ready i am’ He is a mess btw, his hair is sticking in all directions, he spilled his drink bc he knocked it over with his cast and he is probably 5 seconds away from crying so i already know this is gonna be a rollercoaster. And because he couldn’t sit still he even brought out his stress ball that he bought like a month ago. Anyway, one last episode update: the episode starts with Mikey narrating ‘ew, i forgot about that. Make it stop’ ‘AHHH BRIAN LOOKS SO FUCKING GOOD! DAMN JUSTIN LOOKS GOOD TOO! BEAUTIFUL! LOOK AT THEM!..can Michael shut up now?’ ‘Fuck you, these ads are hilarious. Does she know who the fuck she came to for hel- SEX ALWAYS SELLS!’ And we are at the stag party! ‘Thank god thats done. I didnt wanna be rude but holy fuck Tad was annoying. Ted you can do better. Okay but Brian isn’t gone, he’s just getting married? Theyre acting like he died *looks at me confused* whats going on? Why dont they just fuck the stripper together? Why is blondie looking at him like that? *snaps his fingers* ah! He wanted to fuck him together.’ And we are at Brian/Gus scene ‘this is so fucking cute! And they act like he didnt care about the kid! Oh fuck you mel’ and Mel and Brian are now alone ‘they would have all the happiness in the world if ONLY their fucking friends learned to mind their business. Aww look at Brian admiring his work’ Mel says that considering what he’s sacrificing line ‘Nah fuck this and fuck her, everyone literally makes and made it their business to make it their number 1 priority to always interfere with Brian’s life. And it is NEVER to make it better. But they NEVER say no to his money. *throws the ball at mel on tv* what? She stressed me out, its a stress ball!’ ‘That smile was the smile of a man who is so used of people hitting him below the belt. I fucking hate it here. And i fucking hate all of Brian’s friends, i will never forgive them for how they treat him’ we are at that mikey/brian scene with the flashback ‘what the fuck is this? (Mikey says he jerked off to brian) Now why the fuck would he say that to him? This whole scene felt out of place and weird’ And we are at the scene with Britin where they decide to call off the wedding ‘thats adorable. Aww he wants to cuddle. Blondie, he cuddled you after you cheated, what are you talking about? (Justin has his brian kinney speech) what..bro, what is happening? so hes mad he’s not fucking guys? See, i told you he wanted a threesome. WAIT PAUSE THE FUCKING EPISODE NOW *i pause it* HAS HE BEEN MONOGAMOUS SINCE THE PROPOSAL? I thought they were still fucking around? But also blondie wanted monogamy, what? Im confused, theyre confused, we’re all confused’ Brian asks about New York ‘hold the fuck up, why is new york being mentioned? Why would he go there over one fucking review? Brian knows he’s sacrificing his career…oh no. IM CONFUSED, can he only paint in new york? Do they not have paint brushes in Pittsburgh?’ And the sacrificing part is up ‘he did the same shit with LA. But that was different!! He had a job offer from a director! Damn it you too blondie? WHAT IS HAPPENING? What the fuck just happened? What did i just watch?’ And we are at the scene where Britin announces theyre not getting married ‘ooohhh fancy! THATS RIGHT DAPHNE! JUSTIN HAS EVERYTHING! Ahhhh look at them! THEY LOOK FINE AS FUCK! Brian has been wearing the fuck out of that stripped suit tho. (They announce it) *he’s dead silent and his arm with the cast is covering his mouth* oh thank fucking god *he sits back and lets out a deep breath while his arm is in his hair* i didnt wanna judge but that was one of thee worst ideas they’ve had. We are once again on the same page boys! Party, fuck and just enjoy life.’ And now we are at Brian’s meeting ‘that ad is the second worst idea he’s had. TELL HER BRIAN! HA! THATS RIGHT! THATS MY BABY! IM SO PROUD OF HIM!’

OH FUCK WE’RE REALLY IN IT NOW FRIENDS. HERE WE ARE.

The stag party is a cute moment but right? Why didn’t they fuck that guy together? They can be married and nonmonogamous.

They sure as fuck do love to fuck around in his life and not to make it better but are always happy to take a handout.

WHY WOULD HE GO THERE OVER ONE FUCKING REVIEW? fucking this a million times. it makes no fucking sense. Am I addressing that in my fic? I’m sure as shit trying to.

A job offer from the film director DID make LA different. Do they not have paint brushes in Pittsburgh? That’s a fucking great question Brother!

It was one of the worst ideas they have ever had but they didn’t need to send Justin to NYC to undo it (and then the final scene).

[kakumeii]

digital disappearance

while i was taking a bath, i thought about disappearing. what would happen if i just erased my entire digital footprint, receive limited interaction through imessage and email, and just… not make my presence known through a screen? i wondered if anyone would notice it right away.

ever since i was in junior high school (so that was 7th grade to 10th grade in my country), i’ve always had quiet summer breaks. my classmates were busy with their own lives, making the most of their free time before school starts again and all their freedom will be limited to weekend shenanigans. since i wasn’t necessarily talking to anyone throughout that period, i created ways for me to not get bored and waste my time. since my memory is frequently failing me, i can’t tell you much about the experiences i had when i began to make my own ways of entertainment and interaction. at that time, i was very into social media. i would spend hours scrolling and typing away on my phone, sitting in the same position on the same seat — the varnished wooden long chair we had in the living room. mom would always scold me for that habit, but to be honest, it was my only way to entertain myself.

when i hadn’t told her yet of the mental condition that i have (will not add more context to lessen the heaviness of the story), i pretty much poured it all into the fanfiction i wrote back then. yes, i have been writing fanfiction since i was twelve. until now, at eighteen (nineteen in a few months), i still do. of course grammar is a recurring issue because english isn’t my native language, but through years of practice, i was able to keep lifting myself to levels until i’d say would be fluency. but anyway, that’s not the whole point of this. to sum it up, i was just on my phone all the time. it was only when i was in senior high school (11th to 12th grade) that i finally got off my phone and did something productive. looking back, it was obviously because my school was really … demanding of time … i spent days doing school work, attending classes, and talking to different people due to academics and org work. there were lots of things going on, and i’m pretty sure that really fucked me up somehow.

it’s why thought about disappearing digitally. of course i can’t disappear all of a sudden, because i have responsibilities that i am committed to. but for the time being, while it’s still summer break and i literally have nothing else to do, i thought about disappearing for a bit. frankly, i am aware that introverts do this on the regular, but now i see the appeal of just being in your own bubble, even just for a while, because it helps you wind down and relax. i was unhealthily diligent during the school year, so i guess you could say that i was not used to doing nothing. although now that i am slowly trying to gain my peace by hiding in my cave again, it felt really nice and i somewhat wished that it could be like this forever.

i wanted to stop spending too much time on social media. albeit still using my gadgets, i only want to use it limitedly, just like what i am doing right now. what i’m doing right now still sets my digital presence, but it doesn’t fully unravel it the same way social media does. i’ll hop into apps every now and then, but not all the time. it also helps me develop skills and hobbies outside of the need to broadcast myself and whatever is happening in my life. i’m already content with having the circle i have now and the audience i’m interacting with. of course i don’t mind the people subscribing to me. kudos to you guys for reading the dumb rambles of an asian kid who’s still figuring out life but with more stress, considering that successful opportunities in my country are scarce and exclusive.

as i type down my thoughts right now, the rain is pouring really hard. the wind is like a monster revealing its power, swaying the pellet-like drops of rain. i can hear it clearly, almost deafeningly. the walls of my tiny home are thin, at least if you compare it to the tall-ceiling, well-constructed houses of my peers. the lightning looks like zeus is having a field day, or perhaps he’s pissed off. the thunder accompanying is like heaven crashing against the holograms of the sky. it’s kind of scary, you know? but i don’t find the need to flaunt it multiple times across different social media platforms and accounts, unless, well, we need to evacuate from this catastrophic experience.

my low self esteem always make me think that it won’t make a difference if i disappear at all. more likely that it is caused by the lack of consideration i had from former friends. they truly enjoyed days without me, and really showed that, well, i was just a nuisance. i accepted that. rather than fighting them and all, i decided to just move away. i’m sure there were reasons why they kind of didn’t want me around anymore, and maybe my mind was just trying to victimize myself. who even knows, right? i could have received it wrongly, or maybe that really was their intention. even then, the ship was sinking already, so i had no reason to sink with it. as they already hopped onto a different boat, so should i. this taught me that i am not entitled to be the priority of the lives of my friends, but i should also know which friend is good, and which is not. one of them was, you know, your typical high school gossipmonger who stirs up drama by exposing the secrets of people who confided in her to others. my mom never liked her from the beginning. she was the type of person who would never care if i disappeared, because if i weren’t useful to her, she wouldn’t bat an eyelash at me. she boasted the “regina george bad bitch” energy, but she really was just a bad person.

(i rambled and went off tangent, i’m sorry about that lol.)

okay so to end this, i’m just really glad that i have the confidence to lay off social media and still be entertained. my younger self will never believe me, though i’m just happy to realize that there really is life outside the internet. that place forces us to perform, and when we do, we get tired. some of us just aren’t built for continuous interaction, and maybe even my former friends had that mindset, too (although yes, watered down regina george has always been mean, and they still hang out with her because they benefit from the gossip she tells). i’ve recently downloaded threads since i have to for my art account, but even if it is necessary for me, i don’t force myself to learn the app and keep using it. most of the time, i don’t really mind how big the traction i’m receiving. i’m just happy doing what i like outside of the performative shell of social media.

you can ask yourself, “what would i do if i disappeared digitally?” then come back to me and tell me what you have reflected! thank you for your time!

[lyssophobic1pls]

Accidentally fasted for two days bitches🖕🏾🖕🏾🖕🏾 I forgot how much being in a relationship stresses me out 😭 anyway, I really do appreciate my relationship with food more these days. No binges, no endless cravings, no eating everything in site even when I’m not hungry. I literally have intuitive eating down! My connection to food is not as related to my emotions anymore!!!!! I eat when I’m hungry but the portions are smaller! my stomach is smaller! my body is getting smaller! One major thing I’ve had to learn is to quit eating when I’m full. I’m used to finishing the whole plate even when I was full because I was afraid of waste and now I’ve also realized my eyes are way to big for my stomach. I’m not the same person who 7 months ago could binge 4 birria tacos and soup or a pint of rice and chicken from Leeann Chin alone. I’m learning the new portions for my new body. When I come home with food from work it spoils because I can’t finish those whole meals in a day. I don’t even recognize myself when I’ve realized how little I’ve eaten and I put the food away for later. Biggest thing I need to work on is exercise. I’m a naturally lazy person so this is nothing new😂. I do get my 10,000 steps in everyday tho. But I want to be more active, going for walks, swimming more, playing sports, hanging out with friends not only for my goal body but because my body has protected me from so much it deserves to be taken care of and used to the best of its abilities. My body deserves to do what it is capable of! I really like who I’m becoming. And it’s been a long journey. Sometimes I feel like I’ve pressured myself into having an eating disorder because I knew there was something wrong with me but I could never point it out. Part of it was my weight but I know now my weight was just a consequence of my mental state. I would spend hours a day ruminating about my next meal or my ideal body. Those were the only things that took up space in me and to fix that I thought I needed the most extreme form of control over myself. To deprecate myself of nutrients and fuel in order to punish my mental state. The most life changing quote I’ve hear this past year was that you can’t hate yourself into someone you love, so why would I punish this girl who was already hurting?

This isn’t a recovery page for anyone, not even for me. All I want to say is that my journey has been long and I’m grateful for it. I do still have tendencies of identifying everything I believe is wrong with my body or dreaming of carving my ideal shape, but I’ve learned deep underneath that is just a girl that wants to be loved and yearned for. And you don’t have to do that in a healthy way it’s taken me 3 years to figure all of this out and I still know nothing. But first and foremost I am addressing my motives and what lies underneath and after my body reflects my growth. Low key I still love the toxic mess of this community tho😂 don’t shame me. But I’m growing and I’m reaching goals, though in more time than I like, in a healthier safer manner.♥️♥️♥️

[diariesof-kg]

7_13_23

Not sure exactly what to say. I really miss my mom. The interesting thing I love and allows me to feel somewhat 'okay' is speaking about her as if she still is living. I know it can be uncomfortable for others, because what do you say to someone who is mourning. I appreciate those who allow me that space. I appreciate my one friend who reaches out every month checking to see if I'm okay. It's about to be seven months, every day it really feels unreal. She visits me a lot in my dreams, I guess. I think that emotionally makes it even worse. We went to Costco together and it was bittersweet until the end. I feel like people think because its been months that you are okay. I am grateful for my friends that don't feel no way about my absence. When I just need a moment, whether that's days or weeks. I sometimes feel bad that I can't give what I would normally give. That I can't support the way I use to. My heart really has a hole in it. I am already thinking ahead about Thanksgiving and Christmas. Trying to figure out how I will survive it. I asked my best friend if I could possibly come to her and her girlfriend's family house. My sister will be in town so I am unsure of the arrangements. I never knew what loneliness felt like until now. I understand when my sister does what she does to not be sucked in by the silence and the darkness.

My friend from New Orleans called early morning and honestly I didn't mind it. She always calls when I disappear for too long. I enjoy the early morning texts, the calls in general, it warms the soul to be honest, no matter who it comes from. I told my other best friend, I dislike my life its very routine. Waking up everyday same time, doing the same thing with no type of human interaction is detrimental. Humans are dysfunctional to me, but are needed. Humans lack a lot of emotions due to trauma, but I don't mind it. I think parts of me wants to get out and scream. Parts of me wants to meet new people and parts of me don't. I am always blamed for so much that isn't even my fault and that makes me want to void human life. I have missed calls that I need to actually callback, but it stresses me out to even be on the phone. I want to get back on social media, but I always have to explain myself and knowingly I don't owe anyone anything, it still feels like I do. I have canceled plans with people, because I become overwhelmed and I don't understand where it comes from. I still feel numb I guess? Maybe I've healed so much that I am broken now? That questions still remains the same. I reopened a website to try to join groups of individuals that are likeminded. They have this whole retreat for lesbians around Labor Day for less than $500. Black women who love women. At this point, I am like this is what I need a moment to get away, but then I don't trust anyone watching my brother, so I feel trapped. It's doable I suppose. I do have my fellow Capricorn who literally would help me out. I love us. Always down to assist. It's a thought. I mean what am I going to do on Labor Day weekend? I checked the calendar and I know my work is already closed and filled.

I definitely don't like latching on to people just because of loneliness and being sad, that's more harm than good in my eyes. I do appreciate my friend inviting me over for taco Tuesday a couple of weeks ago, just because, she lost her dad and she knows what it is like. Same with my other friend down the street losing her mother, always inviting me for some wine and food. To be honest I love that. Checking in and inviting you to their home, people don't realize how smalls gestures and thoughts carry in someone's life. Thankful they don't have their DND on all day, unlike a fake friend I had. Same with my best friend girlfriend inviting me over just for movie night. They understand being in this house is traumatizing. Bringing me into their space with all the positive energies is different. I just started crying ....I am grateful for them. I know my sister barely knows anyone out there except one and doesn't like staying at her place. it's still fresh wounds. I honestly hate living here. Lol, every time I come home I look at the front and just scream inside. I am grateful for my mom making sure her children were straight. I have a whole house. Lol, and a car basically for free. Lol, the sarcasm to keep from crying. Tomorrow is Friday thank God, hopefully I can get out and about. I really want to go visit mom, but I don't want to go alone. I have my brother but it still feels alone. I feel like I want to go and start digging, Lol, because this is some sort of dimensional that has been distorted and it's a dream that I am living, but the dreams are actually reality. Imagine having a conversation with someone who mind is small, about the abstracts of reality. Phew... scary.

I am a late night conversationalist. I speak of things that would question your subconscious. Make you question so many things. I enjoy in depth conversations, because it shows how far a human mind can go. Nothing has to make sense in those conversations and I love that. It's like being excited about random shit that has been floating in your mind and saying it without being judged. That's who I am. I do want to go back to social media but for some reason it stresses me out. I think it actually creates toxins in the mind. It's drama and chaos and I don't have that in my life so I am unable to relate. Maybe I will stick to Snapchat and Twitter? As soon as people wake up, they grab their phones. I actually text everyone Goodmorning... That's actually a great discussion to have among those that don't crave social media. Everyone who does that are like distorted humans that can't function. If I posted this on Snapchat I would start a riot. Some people post on social media and that's great, others get on there and become robotic and scroll and scroll. When I did get on there after acknowledging actually humans I know, I'd scroll for less a minute than get off, then everyone sends me posts and it felt overwhelming, because it was DMs after DMs and videos after videos and I felt overloaded. I'd real life stress about opening a DM and there were over 10 videos. It's too much, I'd reply to a DM then pray they don't respond, because I'd have to respond. It's mentally painful.

Speaking of social media caused me to panic and wanting to disappear again It's real life toxic. But bless the devious souls who are able to stand it. Maybe I should start to go on retreats? I love nature and have been in it a couple of times to admire its beauty without the toxins of cellular transmitting. I think a part of me is like, okay, if I go on this black queer women's retreat, the compliments of "you look younger" has got to stop. That also makes me not want to go, I appreciate it, but it be annoying in reality. They have a queer cruise too. I need to figure out what is happening to my outgoing personality. It's like I want to go outside and be with the humans, but I also want to be a hermit crab. There are some LGBTQ outings coming up, I just have to stop making excuses for why I can not. And why I should. And maybe meeting new people, I will impact their life, bringing something that they needed. I also need to help the homeless like I did previously.

To end this post; unfamiliar numbers call as well as private. I can only think of two people at this time. I don't even have the energy or curiosity to know what they want. Yall all of a sudden want to be with me huh, Lol. Why people set themselves up for failure will always be a mystery to me. If I did a podcast I'd provide some sort of insight to be a better person for yourself and your future partner. We all have flaws, because well humans are trial and errors of the world, but they don't define a person's identity. I remember giving this chick advice on bettering herself for some girl she liked, then in the process had the audacity to have a crush on me, like no ma'am stay focused. Spirituality has done a lot for me and that would be my focus. Manifesting and really having intentions gets you what you desire. See humans, desire things on the ideals of trauma and hurt and not on the ideals of healed and ready. Lol, I just be saying shit that feels like butter. But on the real, it's true. I come healed and ready and open to receiving. I don't hide things from the person I am dating. I've been hurt and cautious but also very open to receiving, see how I mentioned that twice. I hear people say, "i will never do that again..because of what happened last time." I understand that fully. Fear of receiving the same results and fear of feeling those don't feel good emotions, but that actually hinders you. But I guess that's what makes me a catch to some. Listen, I've been hurt and screwed over, but I am still going to show up with flowers randomly, write love notes, ask to see you, ask questions, etc., even though in the past I've been rejected or shit hit the fan when I did gestures. You know why, because the person I am dating is not the past and doesn't deserve someone else's pain. Might need to read that again. I won't express my emotions because of this and that. Honey, I've been rejected for expressing my emotions, but no one and nothing is going to stop me from still being who I am. I am on the wrong planet, right? Lol, wrong dimension, wrong universe, wrong vessel? So when I hear things, I think so ...I have to be punished for someone else's doing or even your own doing. And most people, get it, but by then Im uninterested. Hence the thirty day rule.

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