#so... my dad used to [redacted] and it's truly fucked up

[quiiescenza]

/

[sneak-a-cat]

fucking. miraculous au where chloe got sent to a damned private school. like that shit fucks you up - speaking from experience - and is where she should have fucking gone like girly is the mayors child why is she there. why. it makes no sense. not saying that children of people of import cannot be sent to public schools but judging by the Everything about Andre and Audrey she shouldn't have ended up in a public school.

like i'm sorry but i truly believe she and some of the other characters should have gone to private schools and then there would be that fucked up rivalry between schools that happens - [redacted] die please. your not better at hockey or rugby than us. your rancid (not really but its funny to get so heated) - and like the friendships people have across schools... fr they are so funny.

bonus points if they go to an all girls school paired with an all boys school. wdym i'm speaking from experience and projecting? of course i am.

but back to the original point. WHY IS SHE THERE. people explain it in fics like her dad was making a public statement being like "wow guys the public school system i fund and help organise is so good i sent my daughter to it" BUT NO ONE WITH HIS MONEY WOULD DO THAT BECAUSE A LOT OF PUBLIC SCHOOLS ARE UNDERFUNDED

like i get that thomas astruc was just wanting to put "bitchy rich girl with powerful parents" in there as a trope but like.. buddy please... think it through.... i know thats asking a lot when talking about this man but pls

miraculous would be ten times funnier if they were all at a private school and were forced to wear uniforms and got weird fucking assemblies about breaking the uniform "individuality is for after school girls!" - quote directly from my old headmistress

like genuinely with fashion as a core theme in miraculous it would be so much funnier if they had to wear uniforms, and on non uniform day - generally charity work, pay to not wear uniform money goes somewhere good, it works well - everyone would go buck wild except for Adrien who in my heart he would escape in a hoodie and joggers

Alix would have the exact same hair and probably more piercings, i'm sorry i don't make the rules every year has at least one person who looks like that and we love them for that (yes she would go to the private school IN THE WIKI IT SAYS SHE LIVES IN THE LOUVRE WHY DOES SHE LIVE THERE THATS A FUCKING MUSEUM)

wait. never mind. Juleka and Alix are dyed hair solidarity girlies for realsies, plus in my head Juleka has fire makeup and nails which are amazing for the goth aestehtic but don't really go with the uniform but She Sticks To It. she is committed

oh and Luka my beloved weirdo who doesn't seem to go to school, yess they would be there Jagged pays child support in droves for Luka which is also used to pay for Juleka to go (they aren't twins to me don't talk to me. Luka is older and they are half siblings ok. )

maybe i'll just fucking write this who knows. idk how the french school system works, never mind the private school one but i damn well could figure it out

plus from my experience, private schools have extensive grounds with just enough upkeep to be fancy but not enough to block the view of the fucking road like so its kind of funny like what were you going for

which could be a banger place for an akuma attack which isnt - yknow - the Eiffel tower. again.

objectively sending a bunch of them to poncy schools would do fuck all, however, its a really funny alternate universe to create... this minor change would fuck up the timeline because i'm in charge and bored

i don't know what this turned into. to be frank with you i think this idea is just actually so fucking funny so i'm going to stick with it who knows where that will take me

also, objectively, this is the funniest continuity error to focus on in miraculous

[taintedsoul-if]

cadmus respects the mc so much its very refreshing my immortal man <3 i can't believe he managed to make mc horny and scared, appearing confident and simultaneously intimidating while he was shitting buckets afterwards at the thought of dealing with the consequences of his actions... clown behavior but so real of him

the tags about the emperor tho... WHAT THE FUCK EW Im shedding tears i physically cringed??? in a good way, it means your writing is effective but at what cost ayo (no wonder trysten/trista is the way they are if they saw their father mistreating his concubine)

im so intrigued in knowing how the ros would react to his creepy perverted behavior, may we have some snippets perhaps? (especially trysten/trista CAUSE THATS THEIR DAD STOOOOP id die of cringe if i were in their place)(how can the ministries not feel sick with this fucking guy as their ruler thats messed up, cadmus solos)

👀 Cadmus number one priority is the MC comfort. Even if he won't be able to be with the MC in this life, he is content just being by their side.

Actually the reasons why the ministers, turn a blind eye to this is because of the Montholon family was the founding fathers, and the sole ruler of Vathilia. And also Trysten/Trista's father is lustful but he is an SSS rank Phasron. Who would dare to call him out on his behavior.

And trysten/Trista at this point in time doesn't have a problem with this. In the original timeline the MC was given as a "gift" to the emperor. The Emperor is deeply infatuated with the MC. This infatuation actually stems from his desire for Lady Anaya years ago, but alas the heart wants what it wants.

In the original timeline, the original host did marry Trysten/Trista. Every night the original host was forced into the emperors chambers to "serve" him until he was fully sated. And because of that F!MC was impregnated by the emperor. Trysten/Trista used that as the perfect excuse to do away with the MC. So for that question Trysten/Trista feels nothing towards their father's feelings of lust towards the MC.

Trysten/Trista grew up, watching their father punish his concubines because they didn't please him in bed, the previous night. In trysten/Trista's mind a spouse only use is to reproduce/vent.

In fact, as I said in an earlier ask, trysten/Trista is a frequent visitor of their father's backyard. And by that I mean, the emperor shares his women/men with his heir. Male Trysten actually impregnated one of them but that is a story for another day.

As for snippets. 🤔. I don't want to say much on this topic because it will be covered in chapter 2 - 3.

SPOILERS UP AHEAD

The emperor sat high on his throne, looking down smugly at his ministers kneeling infront of him. His eyes, couldn't help locking onto a certain figure in the corner of the room. The Emperor held back years ago, because this person belonged to his heir, but now he could make his apparent attraction known to others.

He has looked for people that looked just like the mc to sate his desire, but it just wasn't the same. The Emperor wanted to feel the Mc's body convulsed beneath his own, in pleasure. He wanted to kiss those sweet plump lips and make them his person. His teeth sunk into his lips. His cock felt as if, it would burst out from the confinement of his narrow waist trousers.

The emperors fingers tightened around his wine glass. His fevered glances didn't go unnoticed by a certain vermillion eye man, that sat at the far end of the bar. Carmine sparks of light flickered on the man's fingertips. A sharp laugh escaped the man's lips. To think, his spouse would be coveted by others.

"Your cover will be blown, if you use your own hand."

The man craned his neck, to look at his drinking buddy. "Then my dear [REDACTED], what do you propose I should do? Can you truly remain calm when our Bonded, is being lusted after? I can even smell the acidic stench of his arousal." The vermillion eyed man, spat in repugnance.

A pair of light green eyes darkened at those words.

******

I think that about sums up this ask right? Hmm am I missing anything? Nope. Alright Anon, thank you for the ask.

Also if there's any errors, I'll fix that tomorrow. So tired.

Alright I'll finish clearing out my ask box, tomorrow. Thank you once again and have a wonderful rest of day.

[yeojagroup]

i had a hellish day yesterday from near beginning to end with v brief respites in between to laugh at stupid things,, but it started with someone i don't rly keep in contact with anymore messaging me a voiceclip of me as a minor saying something Completely innocuous like "[redacted], i love you!" and it. flipped me the fuck out because the day before that happened, i was talking to my friends abt sexual predators / groomers lurking around in the online communities we grew up in as unsupervised children with access to the internet... i told this person why even though im sure they meant no harm that it frightened the fuck out me and asked them to delete it + blocked them after. no correlation to what im about to vent about except the fact that i feel like i'm ........ outrunning scooby doo villains and people who dont understand boundaries

and after that i had to drag my ass to another urgent care / doc in the box place to get a steroid shot + more antibiotics because this sinus infection has been taking it's SWEET ass time to clear out and i've been getting so frustrated with myself + my body for not healing as fast as i need or want it to that i've been. very snappy and irritable as a result of the frustration, apologizing for the snappiness, as well as apologizing for not being able to keep up with housework and thanking my parents profusely for helping me certain things. anyway uh ,, i got my dad to take me to the urgent care and bc my mom didn't go with us, i told her what happened during the office visit and. the doctor listened to me breathe, asked if i was a smoker and i was like.. "no..." and then automatically filled in the blanks for me with, "but you live with ppl that do?" so i was like.

yeah ........ and was then told that can make a person more prone to sinus infections. which, like yeah, definitely but the fact that i have an autoimmune disease doesn't help. fast forward to me repeating this, because it's what i was told and im . communicating how i could get better and my mom is immediately like, "oh, so because ur brother and i smoke, that's why ur not better?" so i was immediately like. uhm. no! not what i said. but it sure is an irritant and if you want to take my words wildly out of context that's fine. it could be guilt manifesting itself v inappropriately but as soon as that happened my blood ran cold and i was like .. haha ...... oh Fuck.

like i felt like i had dug myself a hole bigger than the one i'm trying to pull myself out of because. yea ...... i don't , even have the energy to repeat myself when u cut me off much less fucking reason with you. i was told, "you aren't the only person whose sick" and was like. yes . i get that. that's why the fact that i'm not better is feeding into my stress!!! and the fact that i can't get u to do anything for me or put effort into understanding that my body functions differently than yours even tho u gave me one half of my immune system makes me feel even Sicker and even more unable to rest. it's like ... truly the most exasperating feeling when *you're* feeling this frustrated with yourself and body, u can feel ur own patience running out so the possibility of someone outside of yourself having more understanding with you or inconvenience themselves to help you just feels like. a fucking impossible feat to accomplish.

it's rly been that way since the pandemic started, just this feeling of people not willing to make what seems like a minuscule sacrifice to help increase ur quality of life. i know this will all pass but it's been 2 weeks + just me reaching my boiling point after feeling so Physically terrible, and after that convo with my mom i just cried... and i told my friend, it's not like she never acknowledges what she does or says to me isn't fucked up or never shows remorse. she does, it's just such a disproportionate response that i have No fucking idea what to do with it........ i.e "i did x so you don't have to" and i'm just like. huh... and you know instinctively know, oh, this is all i'm gonna get, so i've gotta move on.

[littleblondesoprano]

43-45, 102, 103, 141, 132, 153, 189, 194

oh damn, thank you!!

43. What’s the career highlight you’re most proud of?

It's not really career, more school career, but I'm pretty proud of the fact that my dream post-grad school accepted my application three days after I graduated with my Bachelors. Career highlight, so far, is probably that I've had authors come to me, personally, and ask me to write reviews for their books.

44. Do you think you’ll stay in your current gig awhile? Why or why not?

Lol, in review writing, maybe! But I'm pretty set on leaving the review gig. It's not enough $$, but it's also not fulfilling; I also have no idea what I'll do after I graduate - I'm hoping to dive into the publishing industry (but I'm open to whatever) - but I know I don't want to stay where I am.

I do, thankfully, have the ability to leave and not immediately need another job, so I can kinda remain in question mark territory for a while, plus I have the Esty shop and all the other shit I do.

45. What type of role do you want to take on after this one?

In jobs? Fuck if I know. Hopeful for, again, a publishing industry job. I'd really love to be an editor for manuscript publishing, but I also know that it's really really competitive. So long as I get something that gives good benefits and enough pay, I'll be happy.

102. Have you ever been to a family reunion?

Nope! The [redacted] family is huge - there were 8 brothers originally that have my last name, but there was a huge fight over inheritance and some broke off and moved to the US (my side). There was, at least before covid, a giant [redacted] family reunion of six of the original brothers' families meeting, but we did not go. My little side is small, and I'm okay with that, though someday, I'd love to have a bigger family.

My family reunions, now, are visiting at Christmas, and we don't even do that, since covid.

103. What’s the most important holiday you spend with your family and why?

Christmas, usually! Christmas used to be a big holiday when I was little. We'd grab my paternal grandfather (Pawpaw) and go to Logan's Roadhouse for Christmas Eve dinner, then come home and bake cookies for 'Santa' and lay out carrots for the reindeer. We'd all go to sleep, and I'd wake up super early on Christmas morning and watch old movies with my Pawpaw before mom and dad got up; sometimes I'd fall asleep all snuggled up next to him, but most of the time I wouldn't, i'd be too busy looking at the presents, or watching Fluffy bite the bows.

Now though, Christmas is still fun, but not as important. Now it's bc we make this special kind of holiday cookie and I get time off from school.

132. Do you live by any piece of advice or motto?

I do! Sempre avanti

141. Do you believe in second chances?

I do. Everyone deserves a second chance, esp if they've, or circumstances have, changed.

153. What’s on your bucket list?

Oh so many things! It's mainly travel, though. I want to see New Orleans, Rome, Greece, France, Cairo, Seville! I want to love and be loved, truly (and hopefully get married); I'd really want to meet Chip Coffey or Kim Russo; pay off my student loans; buy or build the Victorian house of my dreams; swim with nurse sharks; publish my stories.

189. Do you have any recurring dreams?

Not recurring dreams, but I have the same person in a good chunk of my dreams, and sometimes I visit the same places, but never the same dream twice. I also do a lot of work with my dreams, which may be why.

194. What’s the most ridiculous outfit you’ve ever worn?

Oh nooooo! Lol, I know exactly what it is. It's also the most embarrassing, but I thought I looked slick. I don't have any pictures of it, but one day DEEP into my Undertaker phase I wore all black clothes with a long, black, leather trench coat over it, and my signature Undertaker necklace. Just imagine if you will, a chonky girl, barely 5ft 1, swimming in leather, with dirty blonde hair to her waist, her bangs plastered to her forehead bc it was fucking summer. That was me. I wore that to middle school.

Lemme tell you, I got fuckin bullied for that for WEEKS.

[babyjamiebarnes]

Build-A-Bear

Part One

Featuring: Bucky x Stark!reader, dad!Tony, Peter Parker (platonic), background MCU characters

Warnings: [chapter] language; [series] language, smut, violence

Summary: The only people who knew she was actually a Stark were her dad, her step-mom Pepper, and her “uncles” Happy and Rhodey. A promotion within Stark Industries takes her from an already-sought after position in the Weapons Anaylsis Unit straight to the Avengers as a Weapons Enhancement Specialist... which means her dad is her new boss. There’s only one rule at work: no fraternizing with coworkers. There’s one more rule at home: no dating any Avengers. So what is she supposed to do when a grumpy super soldier becomes not-so-grumpy around her? At 25, do her dad’s rules still apply? Or is her entire livelihood at risk?

Author’s Note: I’ve written a decent portion of this but know I won’t keep writing it or post it unless I hold myself accountable and get it out there in the first place 🙈 I haven’t written much for Marvel yet but I’ve read plenty and have written for other fandoms in the past (not to mention the writing degree on my wall lol). I’ll try to post every 2-3 days to keep this moving! And if you like it and want to, buy me a coffee!

No one knew Tony Stark had a daughter. No one but Tony Stark and his daughter. Well, and her step-mom Pepper. And her godfather Rhodey. And her uncle-not-uncle Happy. But no one in their everyday lives knew. She was given her mother’s maiden name and kept a secret, even when she turned 17 and moved to a small apartment near NYU’s campus (with Happy stationed right next door, of course) to start life as a truly normal adult, or as close to normal as an undercover Stark could be. When she graduated with her PhDs in robotics and electrical engineering at 25 — proving brains really do run in the family — she moved into her own apartment in Manhattan, funded by her father under the pseudonym “Michael Myers.” Subtlety was never his strong suit.

Fortunately for you, growing up without the Stark name let you live a relatively normal life. It also allowed you to apply for a position within Stark Industries without being ushered past any red tape because of who your father is. Outside of the financial advantage you had, you worked for your spot in a STEM career. You suffered through every man in your field belittling your work despite knowing less than you. You dealt with the constant interruptions and “well, actually” because of your gender. You powered through late nights and early mornings when your mind was flowing too smoothly to quit.

The last thing you wanted to do was have all that work disregarded because you shared a name with genius billionaire playboy philanthropist Tony Stark. So you filled out the application, sent in your resume and cover letter, and attached three letters of recommendation from your professors. You went through hours of interviews, background checks (conveniently redacting your father’s name), and polygraph tests until that offer letter showed up in your email. You even had to sign the Non-Disclosure Agreements that would bar you from discussing *anything* work-related with anyone outside of your department.

You spent your first year in the weapons analysis department, evaluating alien weaponry and determining how it worked and how to disable it. You had your fair share of mishaps, of course. Holes blasted into walls, fried robot dummies, even burnt animal carcasses. By the end of your first year, your supervisor sent a commendation and proposal for you for an undisclosed promotion. After Pepper Potts “thoroughly examined your resume, cover letter, and accomplishments during your tenure with Stark Industries,” as the letter read, you were awarded a position working on the Avengers’ weapons as a Weapons Enhancement Specialist. You’d never see a fight in-person, but you were assigned to work on advancements and post-battle repairs for everyone, from the Winter Soldier’s arm to the Falcon’s wings to Vision’s... everything. The only heroes you wouldn’t work on were Iron Man and War Machine (those were your dad’s territory) and Spider-Man.

On your first day in your new position, the one and only Pepper Potts showed you to your new lab on the 47th floor. It took all your willpower to look your step-mother in the eye and say, “Wow, Miss Potts. This is amazing. It’s such an honor to meet you,” with a straight face to convince any passerby that you had no outside affiliation with her. Even if her eyes stayed steady on you, you could see her mentally rolling them.

Once you were alone behind the doors of the elevator, conversation changed course.

“You’re going to be sharing a lab with someone else,” Pepper said.

“Sweet. As long as they’re competent, that’s fine by me,” you shrugged. Part of earning your degrees was learning to share a workspace with others, even those who bumbled and fumbled with no idea what they were doing. You’d had more hair singed by nearby explosions than you’d like to admit.

“He’s still in college so he’s not here as often as the others. Most of his work will be on Spider-Man’s gadgets and suit, but you can use him for any help you need.”

Walking past the familiar faces of Dr. Banner and Dr. Cho in their respective labs, Pepper ushered you into your lab, where you were met by your father and put on the same excited facade you did with Pepper.

“Oh my god, you’re Tony Stark! This is incredible! It’s such an honor to meet you, sir!”

He shook his head at you and reluctantly accepted your outstretched hand. Oh, the jokes you’d be making at family dinners.

“Yeah, anyway, this is your new lab, Miss [Y/L/N]. Make yourself at home. This lab rat over here is mister Parker. If you have any questions, he can at least bullshit an answer for you.”

The young man on the other side of the lab perked up at the sound of his name. He tugged the goggles off his face and set down his soldering rod to rush over to you.

“Hi. Hi, I’m Peter,” he said, reaching his hand out to you.

“I’m [Y/N]. It’s nice to meet you, lab partner.”

He looked to be a bit younger than you and at least relatively smart, if the MIT sweatshirt peeking out from under his lab coat said anything. If your dad gave him an internship like this, you knew you shouldn’t question it. He had to be a genius.

The kid just smiled at you, continuing to shake your hand past what most would deem socially acceptable.

“Okay, enough of that,” Tony said, pushing on your joined hands to separate you two. “Mister Parker might be in and out of the lab from time to time. He joins the Avengers on the occasional recon mission for immediate repairs but since he’s on break from classes, you’ll see him more often than not. Play nice.”

When he noticed you surreptitiously looking Peter up and down, he added, “Remember, no fraternizing with coworkers.” He pointed a finger directly at you before he spun and pointed to your fellow lab mate, realizing he should warn Peter too to save face.

“All the blueprints you need for the Tin Man’s arm are in the system. We’ll have you start on that and see what you can do about minimizing the sound that thing makes. Any other questions, give Pep a call.”

“Thank you, mister Stark. I really do appreciate everything,” you said genuinely.

“Yeah, well… don’t let me down,” he replied, patting you on the shoulder on his way out. Pepper followed close behind, leaving you alone with Peter Parker.

“So Peter,” you started, sliding onto the lab chair next to where he remained standing, “tell me about yourself.”

“Uh… what do you want to know?” he asked as he shoved his hands into his coat pockets.

“How old are you?” you asked immediately.

“I’m 21.”

Only four years younger than you. So you’d probably get along just fine.

“I assume you’re at MIT?” He nodded. “What are you studying?”

“Biomolecular and mechanical engineering.” He said it so casually, you’d think he was talking about the last song he heard on the radio.

“Damn,” you responded, eyes wide. “I thought robotics and electrical engineering was wild but fuck, that sounds like hell.”

He laughed and nodded, letting a bit of the tension in his shoulders fall. “Yeah, it’s not easy. But it’s worth it.”

He shot you a small smile before gesturing back at his project. “I should probably get back to work and let you get started.”

For the rest of the day, you familiarized yourself with the Winter Soldier’s arm to figure out how to… turn the volume down? You assumed it was the gears inside causing the noise, but part of you wanted to outfit an audio jack and speaker just to fuck with your dad.

You and Peter worked in relative silence, aside from the playlist he had quietly playing through the lab sound system. When lunch rolled around, however, you finally spoke up.

“Hey Peter,” you called, his eyes flicking from the chemical beakers in front of him up to you. “First of all, what are you doing?”

“Um, it’s Spider-Man’s web fluid. Just trying to find more durable combinations.”

“Interesting.” As much as you wanted to touch the stringy substance, you knew better than to fiddle with someone else’s lab work. “Okay so second thing, in my last position, I’d just order food and have it brought to my floor but now that I’m on an exclusive floor, what do you do for lunch?”

“Oh, there are a couple security guys who have clearance to come into this floor. They just can’t get into any rooms so you’d have to meet them at the elevator. But I usually find something in the kitchen down the hall.”

“Oh, sweet. Thanks!” you said as you made your way out the door. Before you could fully exit, you turned back to see if Peter wanted you to grab anything. Once he promised he’d take his own break ‘once I get this one thing figured out,’ you continued to make your way to the kitchen.

As you drew closer to the doorway, you could hear three voices speaking over each other. They didn’t sound angry, but they were definitely arguing. You opened the door anyway and almost immediately froze in your tracks. The Falcon stood with one hand on his own head and one on the Winter Soldier’s head while Captain America rolled his eyes before those same eyes landed on you, along with the rest of the room.

“Perfect,” Sam started. “Hey new girl, between the three of us,” he said, pointing to himself, the Soldier, and the Captain, “who has the best hair?”

“First of all, my name is [Y/N]. Second,” you continued, making your way past them to the fridge you hoped your dad kept stocked with goodies, “that’s an unfair question.”

You grabbed a soda and popped it open before turning back to the three men. “Your hair suits each of you. Cap wouldn’t look good with Winter Soldier hair and Falcon wouldn’t look good with Cap’s hair.” You took a few steps closer, leaning against the island counter between you and eyeing each of them. Your eyes settled on the Winter Soldier, unashamedly flitting across his face and admiring the sharpness of his features. “You,” pointing at him, “could probably pull off either of their looks, though.”

Bucky smirked at you, but his rosy cheeks gave away a hint of embarrassment at your compliment. Steve and Sam, on the other hand, weren’t taking it quite as gracefully.

“What?!” Sam shouted. “Okay, now I know you’re lying. I could pull off Cap’s hair for sure.”

“You know, I think shaggy hair would really suit me,” Cap said, only half sarcastically.

You giggled to yourself as the three of them started talking over each other again, all dead set on their own hair being the best of them and positive they could pull off the others’ looks. While they bickered, you searched the pantry until you found a snack to at least get you through the remainder of the day.

“Alright boys, it’s been fun but I have work to do,” you said as you walked past them again. “Actually, wait. Bucky — can I call you Bucky?” He nodded even though you continued anyway. “If you could stop by lab six today, I’d love to check out your arm in person. The digital renderings aren’t quite the same.”

“Uh, okay. Sure. I’ll find you,” he said quietly.

“Sweet, thanks!” And with that, you skedaddled back to your lab.

[kaylorrehabcenter]

Rating Every Song on Fearless Based on How Gay it is

Hello friends! I still have a few song analyses in the pipeline (and one on Lover the album) but today in honor of Fearless (Taylor’s Edition) being announced and Love Story being released in a few hours I thought I’d do something fun to celebrate!

And you know what? Fuck my usual disclaimer, I am the word of god here. Try and change my mind about any of these. I dare you. (I kid I kid this isn’t that serious and you’re free to disagree <3)

1. Fearless 15/10

Everything about this song is so fucking gay oh my god. This isn’t a fruit, this is a whole ass edible arrangement. As a small rural town Gay (my hometown has a population of less that 4,000 and where I’m living now has a population of 2,500) this uh. Hits.

“And I don't know how it gets better than this/You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless”

Y’ALL

The idea of falling in love with someone who makes you less afraid of your homophobic small town…….it’s getting to me.

“My hands shake, I'm not usually this way but/You pull me in and I'm a little more brave/It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something/It's fearless”

This is making me emotional, I'll be honest. I see so much of my friends and my experience in high school in this song. 

This quote I found on genius is from when the album was released on BMR’s website.

“When I wrote ‘Fearless,’ I wasn’t dating anyone. I wasn’t even in the beginning stages of dating anybody. I really was all by myself out on tour and I got this idea for a song about the best first date. I think sometimes when you’re writing love songs, you don’t write them about what you’re going through at the moment, you write about what you wish you had. So, this song is about the best first date I haven’t had yet.”

This just screams baby Tay writing gay folklore to me, about the gay stories she wish she had. Notice how there are no pronouns in this song??? Fruity I’m telling you.

All that to say. I’m crying because the linear note says “I loved you before I met you” and I want to go listen to Long Story Short and cry now.

2. Fifteen 1/10

Objectively pretty straight as she’s singing about her and Abigail’s dating boys in HS. And Taylor got with a senior guy. Good for her I suppose.

Unless he was one of the shitty ones in which case.

“This is life before you know who you're gonna be”

This however, is a cute line and the whole song makes me warm and nostalgic. You can also hear her crying after the line “and Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind” which makes me emo and I’m sure will take on new depth after Abigail’s divorce and hurt me even more.

Other highlights that make me sob include.

“When all you wanted was to be wanted/Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now/Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday/But I realized some bigger dreams of mine”

Bigger dreams of hers indeed :’)

(Also how can you say she’s a gold star lesbian when this song exists. She was obviously dating boys in high school and even if you think she’s a lesbian. Comp het is a hell of a drug kids.)

3. Love Story 8/10

Tried to change the ending indeed.

This is THE Taylor Swift song, and maybe it’s the nostalgia talking but damn I still love it. Written because she wanted to change the ending of Romeo and Juliet (how anyone likes RandJ enough to want to rewrite I have no clue.) and/or because her parents didn’t approve of a guy she was seeing. (according to genius, it would’ve been too early for Joe J so it could possibly be Boys Like Girls frontman, his image did clash with hers and they did release some cute songs together. However if you want my take it’s probably folklore about Emily, take for what you will)

This song has very oft gay vibes with the ‘They don’t approve of our love angle!’ but uses male pronouns so points redacted for that. HOWEVER this is a very early use of ~the male perspective~ in Taylor’s songs and for that it deserves all the love.

“ So I sneak out to the garden to see you/We keep quiet, 'cause we're dead if they knew/So close your eyes/Escape this town for a little while”

More rural town angst!!!

Nothing gets me more than rural town angst.

“Romeo, save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel/This love is difficult, but it's real”

Originally the lyric was “this love is different”. Granted I do not remember the source, i’s just lore implanted into my brain, but make of that what you will.

“"Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone/I love you, and that's all I really know/I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress/It's a love story, baby, just say "Yes"”

Marry me Juliet from the male perspective :)

Also worth noting. This is Karlie’s (and Kim K’s lmao) favorite Taylor song which. While basic as hell. Makes this cover sad as hell to this former Kaylor. (thanks @swiftgron-get-married for the tears <3)

Also not to make this about a man AGAIN but the secret message is “Some day I’ll find this” AND SHE DID IM CRYING.

4. Hey Stephen 1/10

The one thing Camilla Cabello and I have in common is loving this song, so I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

This song is very painfully straight.

How can you think this woman is a gold star lesbian.

The only noteworthy thing is that this is one of the few songs she confirms who it’s about. The secret message is “Love and Theft” which is the name of a country music duo who went on to open her Fearless tour. Which, does make me side eye this song a little bit.

Still a cute song.

“Hey Stephen, boy, you might have me believing/I don't always have to be alone”

5. White Horse 1/10

Oh look. It’s track five. 

You know maybe this is just me being a bitch but in my ranking of track fives this is. Pretty low. Maybe on the bottom.

Like I don’t have a lot to say about it. 

She’s going through it over a guy. He was a cheating dickweazel. 

“'Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale/I'm gonna find someone someday/Who might actually treat me well”

“Try and catch me now, oh/It's too late/To catch me now”

These lines hit though!!

And she found Joe!! Who treats her well!!!! And she isn’t the princess, she’s the prince who dropped her sword and knocked on her door!!! But this time if they come for them she’s ready!!!

Yes I will make every song about Long Story Short <3

6. You Belong With Me 5/10

Ah yes. The other THE Taylor Swift song.

You know. If I went to a high school with a cheerleading squad. And I had a crush on a cheerleader. I would blast this song. So for that it gets a 5/10. Otherwise. Fairly straight and fairly iconic.

7. Breathe 8/10

Well. We know this one is about a woman. (Emily Poe for those not in the know. Ha. A rhyme!) That alone has an 8/10. And it’s the first time she has a featured artist so bonus points for that!

It was nominated for a Grammy and it fucking lost to Jason Mraz. When’s the last time you thought about Jason Mraz.

I will not have Kaylor feels on a fucking Fearless song but damn is it VERY easy.

“Never a clean break, no one here to save me/You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand”

“It's 2 A.M, feeling like I just lost a friend/Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me”

Also this bridge? Goes off. HIGHLY underrated. 

8. Tell Me Why 3/10

You know. Maybe this album isn’t as gay as I once thought.

This song does bop though, not as good as her other angry songs on this album. But I can vibe with this you know. Why are you being an asshole mysterious man.

“You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day”

This has to be one of baby Tay’s best burns. Damn. 

“Why do you have to make me feel small/So you can feel whole inside?/Why do you have to put down my dreams/So you're the only thing on my mind?”

Men ain’t shit kids. However, bonus points for the shade. 

9. You’re not Sorry 1/10

Ok, ok. Maybe this was a foolish endeavor.

Because yet again we have a very straight song. A good song. That was on Taylor’s episode of CSI. But oh dear. Very straight. Gets a measly one point. We started this post off so very very gay but damn. We seem to be nearing the end on a very straight note.

10. The Way I Loved You 20/10

Hey Remember what I said about this album being very straight.

WELL THAT WAS A LIE.

Is this a comphet album or am I projecting.

This is one of my favorite baby gay Taylor songs. Her masterful use of pronouns (he is sensible! And so incredible! And all my single friends are jealous! But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain, when it was two am and I was cursing your name!) makes the other person she’s singing about completely vague, while we know she isn’t happy with whichever guy she’s dating.

Mayhaps an early reaction to PRomances?

Either way this song is so good, truly an underrated gay gem I mean. Look at it.

“Breaking down and coming undone/It's a roller coaster kind of rush/And I never knew I could feel that much/And that's the way I loved you”

AND THE BRIDGE. Do all of her gay songs just have kickass bridges?

“He can't see the smile I'm faking/And my heart's not breaking/'Cause I'm not feeling anything at all/And you were wild and crazy/Just so frustrating/Intoxicating, complicated/Got away by some mistake and now…”

Damn. I’m imaging this with 2020 vocals and fucking ascending.

Also please watch the live performance of it from the Fearless tour. It’s such a damn shame this got cut from the movie and some woman in the front row is wearing a cowboy hat. Everyone is holding up those cameras everyone had to have before smartphones. Taylor is being endearing. It’s a good time.

11. Forever and Always 6/10

Bonus points for the ~drama~ of it all. Added last minute to the album? The iconic throwing of the chair in live performances?? All of it very dramatique and for that we stan.

Still pretty straight.

Also Joe Jonas responded to the song and why do I find his response so damn funny. “It’s part of being a musician, I guess. You write songs about each other.”

This is another song where the idea of Taylor’s grown up vocals on this is………..whew

12. The Best Day 0/10

This gets zero points because it’s about her literal mom.

Still makes me cry.

God bless Andrea Swift indeed

13. Change 13/10

We start the official tracklist with a gay song. We end it with a gay song.

We will ignore that it was originally written for Scott and BMR and instead induct it into the hall of gay pride anthems, as it should be. 

“We're getting stronger now, finding things they never found/They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared/You can walk away, say we don't need this/But there's something in your eyes says we can beat this”

“This revolution, the time will come/For us to finally win/And we'll sing hallelujah, we'll sing hallelujah”

The music video is cringe though lol

14. Jump then Fall 10/10

This song is gay because I choose it to be. <3

Like. Picture baby Taylor writing this song and playing it on her guitar to a girl she has a crush on telling her that she’ll protect her and they’ll be safe and in love and happy together. Gah, maybe I’m ~projecting~ but this sweet ass song always gets me and is EASILY in my top five Taylor songs. Super underrated and hecking cute. 

“We're on the phone and without a warning/I realize your laugh is the best sound/I have ever heard”

Like. Look at this shit.

“I watch you talk, you didn't notice/I hear the words but all I can think is/We should be together”

Tell me this is about the first time you get a crush on a girl and she’s your best friend and she’s amazing and beautiful and you realize you kinda want to kiss her and you hope she wants to kiss you too.

“I had time to think it oh, over/And all I can say is come closer/Take a deep breath and jump then fall into me”

And she’s the Romeo who's going to protect her!!!!! She’s the knight in shining armor in this song and I love that for her??

“The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet/I'll catch you, I'll catch you/When people say things that bring you to your knees/I'll catch you/The time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry/But I'll hold you through the night until you smile”

I won’t divulge into full on analysis here because. This is what this post is about but PLEASE listen to this song more. It’s such a gay little gem.

15. Untouchable 9/10

How does she make a cover sound gay.

It sounds so gay.

“You got to come on, come on, say that we'll be together/Come on, come on, little taste of heaven”

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

16. Forever and Always Piano Version 1/10

This song gets 1/10 because I don’t like it. There. I said it.

17. Come in With the Rain 3/10

I can see why this is a bonus track. It doesn’t hit me as much as the other songs on the album.

But damn if I don’t want to scream sing this one driving down a high way.

18. Superstar 7/10

You can’t tell me this song is about a man. I simply won’t entertain the idea.

You cannot prove to me that this song is about a man. There is not a male pronoun in sight. 

>:)

19. The Other Side of the Door 6/10

Is this song about having a fight about being in the closet? Probably not. Will my gay little brain make it about that? Yep!

And that, funky little queer pals, is my gay rating of every Fearless song. Like and subscribe, #t3atmidnight

[copperpieceharlot]

Bud I’m sorry to swing into your inbox uninvited like this but my soul is having an OOTS renaissance thanks to your content in the tag and did you say Leverage AU

haha holy SHIT this got Long. but yes. i’ve been. Thinking. (also literally Never feel like you have to apologize for sending me messages. i was Hoping someone would ask me about this. now i have an Excuse to share EVERYTHING ive written abt it :3)

Obviously, Roy is the leader/brains of the outfit. He grew up having some Strong Opinions abt what’s Legal versus what’s Right due to tragic backstory involving the death of his little brother which was definitely SOMEONE’S fault for negligence but since there technically wasn’t any illegal behavior, there were no consequences for it. Also he’s still angry at his dad bc he thinks his dad is also partly culpable (and also also just a dick). He’s the Moral Backbone of the team (alongside Durkon, more on that later) in basically the same way Nate was in og Leverage. He’s actually not the best at figuring out what people want (that’s Haley and, shockingly, occasionally Elan), but once he has that info, he is the absolute best at figuring out the ideal plan of attack to use in any given case.

Haley is still a thief. I mean she maps to Parker almost PERFECTLY. Her dad was a thief & a conman, her mom wasn’t but knew about it and mostly accepted it, but she died tragically in a mugging gone wrong or smth, which made Ian crank the paranoia WAY up and taught Haley to do the same in the name of “safety”. Let’s keep the “Ian is in Trouble and Haley needs money, Fast” which is why she signs on to the first job in the first place. She’s less acrobatic than Parker, tending towards finding (or making) weak spots in security, but she can still make a tumble check when she needs to.

Elan is the grifter who is somehow an Idiot but also not???? It baffles everyone. When he’s playing a part for a con, he’s FLAWLESS, but then the rest of the time he’s just. No Thoughts Head Empty. He probably gets lured in initially because he’s decided to try his hand at being part of a full team, rather than the two-man cons he’s been running that invariably end w his partner conning him as well and stealing half of his take. Also he likes the idea of being Crime Friends. He’s that tweet where it’s like, Roy: “after the heist is over, we split up and never communicate again” / Elan: [about to unveil his Crime Buddies Forever Friendship Quilt Puppets]: “never?”

Vaarsuvius is the hacker/gadget person. They have a Vaguely Snobby Yet Unidentifiable accent, dyed(?) purple hair (nobody has ever seen their roots) and nobody knows who they “really” are or where they came from, but they’re good at what they do so everyone just accepts the mystery. They probably got suckered into the team by their initial employer (who I’ll get to Eventually, lol) framing it as a challenge to their intellect, like, “oh, I see, you’re not smart enough to make this team work for you...” to which they were like Fucking Watch Me and also melted his computer. Anyways. They are joined (digitally) by their Intrepid Friend And Co-Conspirator (his words, not theirs), a fellow hacker known only as Blackwing, or, on certain forums, Blackwing_Bird. (In the first season, V only occasionally references him when saying they’re “calling in extra help” or smth for a particularly complex hack job. He starts showing up a little more in s2 and eventually by the start of s4 is a regular & established presence, but only appears as actions in a computer interface or output.) Elan is convinced he’s an AI, Belkar doesn’t think he actually exists, Haley pretends she doesn’t think he exists, and Durkon and Roy try not to think about it too hard, as long as B and V still get the job done.

Belkar is the hitter. He is on the team bc their initial employer got him out of jail for it. He doesn’t have a tragic backstory, he just likes doing violent crimes. As the series progresses, he grows some empathy & stuff, but really only for people who actually deserve it. Assholes still get decked. It’s all very touching. (Also he has dwarfism caused by achondroplasia. It doesn’t actually bother him and is useful in fights bc his opponents frequently have no fucking clue how to approach him, but he likes Pretending to take offense at stupid things just to see how far he can go with it.)

Aaaand last but not least, Durkon is the least involved member of the team. He’s actually a career criminal and Roy’s mentor, and wasn’t a member of the initial team that [redacted, I’ll tell you later, PROMISE] put together for a couple of reasons, the main one being that he’s Officially retired in order to spend more time with his family, which consists of his mom, his friend (not girlfriend) Hilgya, baby Kudzu, and a truly stunning number of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Roy frequently calls or visits him for advice and he Occasionally shows up to help out on local jobs, but generally he avoids doing crime if he can (as part of a deal with Hilgya, who is also a career criminal; basically, they’ve both cut back on the crime in order to provide a more stable home environment for Kudzu. But sometimes, you gotta do a little crime, and in those cases, Sigdi enjoys spending time w her grandson.)

NOW. THE BIG REVEAL YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR. Who got the team together in the first place?!

The answer: Lord Shojo (or whatever Normal Person Name you want to assign him). Now this is where it gets tricky: he had them do a thing that they thought was good, THEN they thought it was BAD, but then when they confronted him he revealed that it Appearing to be bad was actually a test of character and would they consider working as basically internal investigators for him? But then he had a heart attack, so, rip. But THEN it turned out that he’d left them a bunch of money anyway and they were all feeling kind of Inspired so they formed the Order of the Stick, LLC (which, no, i am not coming up with a new name, actually, because I just don’t care. someone else can come up w a justification for that name, tho, i’m sure it’s possible). Also Miko was there and was unhappy abt their actions, and also their general existence.

Moving on. Villains!

Redcloak is the Sterling replacement, because that DEEPLY amuses me.

Xykon is a season-long main villain, probably one that Redcloak finds himself working for but then “teams up with” (read: blackmails) the Order to bring him down bc even Redcloak finds Xykon distasteful. That’s season 3, let’s say.

Tarquin is another season villain, say season 2. Nale probably shows up pretty early in s1, actually, as another recurring antagonist like Sterling but uh. Less good at it. Anyways the s2 final 3 eps deal with them (accidentally) discovering that Tarquin runs some Evil Empire Company, then trying to outplay him and take him down. Idk if Nale still dies in this version tbh.

Tsukiko is a one-off s1 villain who returns briefly in s4 alongside Miko, who has gone well and truly off the rails.

Season 1 finale has to do w Roy finally getting Vengeance for his little brother.

The vampire squad is the s4 finale villain who do smth terrible to Durkon and then get the Mother Of All Revenge served up to them by the Order.

I envision the show as being 5 seasons (like og Leverage) but I’m not going to sketch out s5 because I think it should be based off whatever happens in the current story arc, possibly involving some legacy of the OotSquiggle.

Other stuff!

The Order of the Squiggle is a legendary criminal team from the 60s who stole a BUNCH of famous shit & then proceeded to legendarily implode. This has no bearing on the plot I’ve sketched out, I just think it’s fun.

The Sapphire Guard members should probably be reworked as FBI. I don’t care about most of them but I do think that Lien and O-Chul could be like, FBI agents who Choose to look the other way while the Order does their very-much-not-legal-but-still-fair Justice Crime, and maybe even help them out on occasion.

So, the Final season-by-season outline, based on everything I’ve written so far:

s1 e1: getting the team together, doing a con for Shojo, then at the end he dies and the gang is like “dang what now?" and intend to split up except then they Don’t.

mid-s1: Nale shows up and tries to trick the Order, but then gets beat like a drum.

late s1: Tsukiko is an underling of the Villain Of The Week, winds up in police custody. But She’ll Be Back.

s1 finale: Roy’s Vengeance: The Vengeaning. also we meet Redcloak as an antagonist.

s2 e1: the truth abt Haley’s father comes out

early s2: The Two Live Crews Job but it’s the Order vs the Linear Guild and the Linear Guild ARE all bad guys.

mid-s2: Redcloak returns. ugh.

late s2: the sapphire guard FBI makes its first appearance, hello O-Chul and Lien.

s2 pre-finale: once again they’re in conflict w Nale over smth, he spends the whole episodes making Cryptic Remarks, they basically beat him (like a drum!) but then the stinger at the end is that Tarquin reveals himself and Elan is like “Dad?!”, roll credits.

s2 finale, part 1: Elan is hanging out w Tarquin bc he’s DEEP in Denial, the Rest of the team tries to take Tarquin down, but it doesn’t work.

s2 finale, part 2: Elan finally gets a clue and they manage to beat Tarquin. still haven’t decided if Nale dies or not, but I’m leaning towards yes. also they rescue Haley’s dad.

s3 e1: fuck dude idk.

early s3: Redcloak shows up, AGAIN, everyone groans. he has blackmail on them, he wants them to take Xykon down.

mid s3: The Rashomon Job but it’s about stealing the Talisman of Dorukan and it turns out that Nale was there too (“oh!” Elan says. “I was wondering why I looked so weird in all those mirrors! But it wasn’t my reflection, it was Nale’s!” “Sweetie, that wasn’t Nale’s reflection,” says Haley. “Huh,” says Elan, “so the mirrors were broken?”, cue eye rolling from everyone else.), and the Successful thief was Hilgya, who’d nabbed it from the owner before it even went on display.

s3 finale: they beat Xykon, actually factually, because he deserves to get his ass Thoroughly kicked, even if only in AU form. Lien and O-Chul are there, so are some other less helpful FBI people. There’s a bit where O-Chul Exact Wordses his way out of telling his superiors about the Order’s less legal activities without technically lying. King shit.

s4 e1: doesn’t really matter. maybe smth to do w some legacy of Tarquin’s company to set up the drama w Malack & Durkon later.

early s4: Durkon gets SENT TO PRISON. Malack approaches the Order abt this because sure they have Different Ethics but they’re still Friends. (Roy is surprised and a little hurt that he’s never heard of Malack, but he ignores that in favor of Let’s Get Whatever Fuckers Did This To Our Friend.)

immediately after that: Miko and Tsukiko return as a Team, preventing the Order from working on the Durkon situation

mid s4: Redcloak makes another unexpected & unwelcome appearance but he’s maybe a little less of a dick? the Order collaborates with Malack & his Crime Buddies (hello, Vector Legion) to pull one over on him tho, because “less of a dick” does not mean “a pleasant or decent person”, and also he was mean abt Durkon being in jail, so he totally deserved it. he still gets whatever he wanted tho, just takes a blow to his pride. also prevents the Order from helping Durkon. they’re having a LOT of setbacks wonder why that could be, not to make sure the season fills its whole length or anything, no sirree

s4 finale: something something taking down the organization, headed by Hel (yes that’s her real name), which framed Durkon for their Big Crime. Durkon goes free and Extra Firmly retires, For Good, He Swears, but says he “met someone new” who might be an asset.

s5 e1: minrah joins the team! and the episode is set in like, somewhere really snowy. that’s all i got.

the rest of s5: don’t know, don’t care, it’s open-ended until the comic finishes up.

[mercuryislove]

6 for Anwei, 10 for Yixing, and 30 for Ciaran and Sihla please 😊

once again I feel like I have said a whole lot of words with actually answering any of the questions at hand... please forgive me ._.

6. Do they like being reminded of home?

If by “home” you mean the past or like her childhood home then... only sometimes. Very rarely? It's complicated. Anwei pretends not to be sentimental about what life was like before, but deep down she still longs for that familiarity. She wasn't nearly as close to her mom as Ciaran was (and neither of them were close to their dad because he was um. largely absent), and looking back she still beats herself up about not cherishing the time with her they had. And sometimes in casual conversation, Ciaran will bring things up like “oh, this is just like the time when we were kids when Mom did xyz” or “Mom used to say things like that all the time” or “Mom would have loved this [completely mundane thing lol]” and some part of her gets like... resentful, maybe? She's jealous in a way that he doesn't feel the ache for the old times like he does. She's jealous that he remembers all those little details about their old life, while she only remembers stupid shit written in the margins of her college textbooks or some song on the internet that went viral when she was thirteen or the mnemonic devices she used to learn all the bones and muscles in the human body. She doesn't care about those parts. She wishes she could remember more important things. Like her mom's favorite color or the way their childhood home smelled after a summer vacation or the name of her favorite restaurant down the street. So like. to not answer the question at all, no lol. It mostly just makes her sad to think about home and how she can never go back again :(

--

10. Are they very sentimental, or perhaps just selectively?

Yixing has nothing to be sentimental about in his life. Well, he does have a few things, but he doesn't think so, and all of the things he would get sentimental about are tarnished by the abuse he's suffered at the hands of others. When he hears other people talk about their nostalgic feelings about childhood, he's just like “Hm. Can't relate. In fact, I wish I could erase every memory of my childhood from my brain!” Much like Anwei, he just gets fucking sad about shit instead of ever getting sentimental. Wait, would it be called sentimentality if you're like. mourning for the things in life you never got to have growing up? Like a well-adjusted family and fond memories of your youth? Because if that counts, then he absolutely is sentimental about everything ever. Sometimes he sees fathers with their young sons and sees how much they care for each other and has to like. hold back tears (or go sit on his horse for a minute lol) because that is what his life was supposed to be like. He was supposed to have someone who loved him and taught him right from wrong and protected him from the evils of the world and supported him and nurtured him and showed him how to be a good person, and... well. His father didn't do any of that. If anything he did the exact opposite. And sometimes Yixing gets really bitter about it because he didn't deserve that, and leaving when he did was the best thing he could have done, but still. He likes to imagine what it could have been like.

(Seriously though, the only things he ever truly thinks fondly of when looking back is how on nights when it was cool outside, he would sneak out of the house and go hang out with the horses in the barn and read by candlelight.)

--

30. How do they feel about the passage of time? Do they feel old too soon? Are they content to let days go past without recognition?

I've talked before about how the passage of time makes me personally feel insane and yes I do project all that onto my little fictional gay people because how else am I supposed to cope with the ever shifting sands of time?!

A long time ago, it didn't bother Ciaran. There was a glossy sheen to the realization of “oh fuck I'm going to live forever” and years and eventually decades passed, and it never bothered him to watch the first and second generations of survivors of the actual end of the world grow old in what felt like the blink of an eye to him. He was so distant from people back then anyway. Then the years continued to fly by and immortality had lost its shine, and he had the grim realization that he couldn't keep people at arm's length forever. They needed him and Anwei, whether he liked it or not! So he slooooowly started to warm up to the idea of letting people get close again, and eventually opened himself up to like. loving and caring for people (and letting people love him) in the short time they had to know him. (And as we know, that works out very well for him and everything is hunky-dory for a long time until he starts to care for people a little too much and then he meets a certain someone that really throws a fucking wrench in the works, and everything kind of goes downhill from there lmao) And if you go WAY back to when he like. mortal or whatever, he absolutely led a very yolo kind of life. Like. Oh fuck I will only be young and beautiful and relevant for so long so I might as well fuck up my body while my liver can still handle it!! And god he was insufferable for it. Some of that still comes through but he isn't (usually) as reckless/self-destructive about it.

MEANWHILE Sihla does not even consider time. She used to. She used to be anxious like Ciaran about how she would outlive everyone she ever loved, but then she met Anwei and was like “nevermind lol fuck everyone else I only need her,” which was, well... an interesting outlook on life. And when that ended horribly because [redacted], she got to enjoy the luxury of being trapped alone to die every day for a couple of centuries, and that's when she quit caring about, uh, anything really. (omg she did like spongebob and cleared her mind of everything except fine dining and breathing) Except maybe exacting revenge on the two people that put her there (gee I wonder who that could be). And before this all happened back when she was just a regular person, she was high strung and SCARED of the passage of time. The world as it was before wasn't particularly great, and there were always growing anxieties about the devastating effects of war and climate change and complete apathy from gods who were very real (and who could definitely put a stop to the suffering with the wave of a hand), and she was just an elementary school teacher trying to like. come to terms with the fact that many of her students could hardly afford food and clothing. And she and her wife had their own woes with trying to raise a young child in a world that could barely sustain them. Every day was a fucking struggle but it was also a gift, and she tried her hardest to make the important things count.

[mirrorballls]

* jacob elordi, male + he/him  | you know stephen maldonado, right? they’re twenty-three, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, their whole life? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to jerk by the front bottoms like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole dark denim jackets littered in pins paired with ratty white nikes, brow seemingly held frozen in a consistently furrowed brow, and empty bottle of mountain dew code red stuffed with cigarette butts thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is november 13, so they’re a scorpio, which is unsurprising, all things considered.

hi.

one more time with feeling (until i stupidly take up my fourth muse ASAP).  liz (she/they, 23, est) AKA auld liz syne#2288 on discord.edu. anyways every squad got the Extremely Normal Guy and sometimes that’s stephen. 

basics.

full name:  stephen casey maldonado. birthday:  november 13, 1997. big three:  scorpio sun, capricorn moon, taurus rising. sexuality:  bisexual. occupation:  guest service representative at the palm motel. neighborhood: grew up in the orion avenue area, now lives in delphinus heights.

bio.

stephen was raised by irving stock. his parents were hometown sweethearts that started dating when his mom was a sophomore and his dad was a junior and somehow, they made that last. they never wanted more than to live in their little home by the beach with their family and the community they were so attached to. his mother was a social worker and his father was a firefighter and they loved their little suburban life. they had kids and got involved in their neighborhood play groups and that classic idea of the little house and the two kids and an abundance of hometown spirit.

death tw. when stephen was seven, his dad died. it was sudden, unexpected, not even related to his work or anything. it was just like one morning he was there and the next he wasn’t. and it hit his family hard. he had always been close with his dad, and after this, he became immortalized to stephen as a hero. he still bumps into people in irving who’ll have a story about how his dad, who he barely got to know, and how he was this amazing guy that he should strive to be like. it’s given him something of a complex. he’s got this idea of the person he needs to be an he’s scrambling to piece that together. it’s just not as easy to him as all the old stories lead him to believe it would be.

through it all, his mom and his sister grew closer, and stephen began to feel like something of an outsider in his own family. it wasn’t their fault, it was natural. they had things in common, a similar temperament, just these natural things bonding them that stephen wasn’t apart of. he was already spending a lot of time hanging out at other neighborhood kids houses while his mom worked, so it wasn’t a stretch for him to stick around when he realized he had more fun there than at home. so he became one of those kids that would just bounce between friends houses and look for any opportunity for a group hang or sleepover. 

middle school stephen was that kid who wanted to be really funny and athletic and likable but always fell short. he wasn’t horrible by any means, he was just kind of a dork, by middle school standards. when high school came around, he was determined to rebrand himself, and it sort of worked. he grew out of his awkward phase, got a pass for his daily uniform of ratty flannels and hand-me-down levis from his mom’s friend’s kids, because now it was grunge and it was an aesthetic. he never had the confidence to try and pass himself off as Truly Cool, but he found a way to make his whole thing work as like a pretentious kind of cool guy. 

but what he did not realize is while being pretentious earned him street cred with a certain group, it also made him kind of a jerk. he always had to be right or like assert his opinion even when no one fucking asked. bit pathetic. but sometimes that’s the price of being a depressed indie king....

when he graduated, he got into hospitality. part of it was a fluke: when his friends all went off to college, he needed a job. so he took one working nights at the palm motel, because it was the best pay he could find and he was still able to sleep in on weekdays which was an epic win in his mind.  in the end though, he ended up loving it. it’s corny and he’d never admit it to anyone because he has a reputation to uphold, but he loves getting to feel like he’s giving the tourists that come through town a special little home away from home. he knew he loved the feeling of getting away, even if it was just down the street, when he was a kid, and he likes giving that feeling to other people. it was also around this time he started getting serious with his girlfriend and they moved into their own little place they could barely afford but still skillfully and thriftfully decorated and it felt like everything was really coming together.

like sure it wasn’t his parent’s perfect marriage and beautiful community serving jobs, but it felt like something close. something precious he could have and be proud of and use to get to sleep at night with a hope that his dad would be proud too, if he could see it.

but that was years ago, and now things have taken a turn for the worse. things lose their glimmer, over time. he still loves the idea of working at the motel, and has even worked his way up the ranks over his time there, but now working as a guest service rep, he’s dealt with enough pissed-off moms and spring breakers that fuck shit up for fun to last him a lifetime. “disgusting-little-man”gate hasn’t been great for business and he’s having to face the facts that there may not be much else for him left at the palm, but he’s also too broke to really stop and reassess the situation. icing on the cake has been his recent breakup and his car getting two flat tires at once, landing him in the ideal situation: living with his ex-girlfriend that he still has feelings for with no clue what’s gonna happen next in his life. funny sadman falls on hard times :pensive:

plotting ideas.

friends/acquaintances because he’s weirdly socialized!

enemies/people he’s pissed off being a pretentious [redacted]!

it’s always weird to ask for cousins but honestly i love extended family stuff be my cousin.

tinder date he fucked up by being too emotional about being recently dumped!

tinder date that went better and they hooked up but then he ghosted because he’s a bit out of it!

i’m out of ideas to just vaguely list but..... we talk and we plot something amazing okay?

[damaramegido]

pinned worm time :)

basic info

what up i’m acey jane aka anna cassidy [last name redacted] and i’m your friendly tmbg mutual from hell

gender-nonconforming cis woman (she/her), i identify strongly as Girl but societal expectations of what that should mean are fuckin bullshit that i refuse to follow!

allo lesbian and monogamous (she’s single and horny ladies!)

i’m 28 years old (2/18/1993), minors can interact but please don't get weird or age-inappropriate!

(YES I KNOW I LOOK SUPER YOUNG I HAVE GENETIC BABYFACE, BLAME MY DAD, I AM A GROWN-ASS LADY)

white (german and irish so pearl only half hates me i guess)

autistic and mentally ill, also a side helping of chronic physical illness bc fuck my life i guess

left-wing democratic socialist (albeit definitely who tries really hard to avoid political discourse online because a lot of it is Really Bad)

norcal girl, ask me for weird info about the greater sf bay area because believe me i have Stories (and an accent apparently)

lowkey definitely a they might be giants groupie (14 shows and counting!), please talk to me about tmbg because i love them more than life itself

winner of the Best Homestuck To Mainstream Fandom award (source: self)

captain of the pearlrose garbage barge, which is on fire

not the original owner of the damaramegido url but i've had it since 2015 so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(yes i'm using my canon homestuck url for a tmbg/steven universe stan blog, what of it)

fandoms and interests

steven universe

they might be giants

homestuck

gravity falls

the owl house

pokemon

animation in general

language

shitposting

fanfiction

horror and general morbid shit

true crime

internet/fandom culture and history

other cool things

other notes

i'm in a horrible friend group chat called the shitpost crew and our shenanigans are fucking legendary. (yes that link is required reading, just so you know what kind of horrid goblin bitch i truly am)

i try extremely hard to avoid discourse because it's annoying and i have better things to do. don't drag me into that shit pls...let me wallow in Trash Hell in peace

i'm generally willing to tag things for mutuals and friends, and i try to tag fairly comprehensively in general! my tags page can be found here.

i really love being sent/tagged in things, if you see something and think “hmm this seems up acey’s alley” please feel free to send it my way!

i’m also always down to make new friends in general--if you ever wanna hmu feel free to shoot me an ask or a message, i promise i don’t bite! i’m also generally willing to give my discord out, but please ask off anon if you want it so i can give it privately. c:

i'm a filthy shipper from hell and always have been, though of course i tag appropriately. here’s my shipping wall!

my blog title is a very obscure tmbg reference

yes i have a homestuck tattoo. no i do not regret it

i have a tmbg tattoo too why does no one talk about THAT?? smh

i fucked up some shrinky dinks once

i purble

john hlans. burg bi sexu

icon by @disinvited-guest, check her out for that good tmbg content!

(no my icon is not ebony dark’ness dementia raven way but i do understand why you might assume it is)

links

writing blog

art blog

ao3

twitter

deviantart

instagram

spotify

listography 

dedicated tumblr links page

[supercasey]

Werewolf Fire, a piece of writing by me

Not quite a poem, but some feelings that have been on my mind for a long time now. I dunno if the quarantine is what brought this out of me, but fuck it, I need to scream and with nowhere to run and hide, I guess I’m being vulnerable on main. Under a readmore because I may be raw, but not THAT raw.

Werewolf Fire by Theodore JJ REDACTED

Love is an oddity to me. It's not that I don't feel love at all- I feel love towards my friends, my family, my pets, my fellow humans- but love in a romantic setting... it just doesn't happen for me, at least, as far as I can tell I doesn't.

I think I've been trying to fall in love for a very long time. There was a boy named Adam in sixth grade, and when my best friend told me she had a crush on him, I told her I also had a crush on him; I was lying. Nonetheless, this was my first attempt, and I really did try to fall in love with him; I took up reading the Percy Jackson series, as it was his favorite, which sparked my love of Greek Mythology and teen coming of age stories involving super powers, but it wasn't love. Besides, he went to another middle school after we graduated sixth grade, so it wasn't like we had a lot of time left together.

I tried again in ninth grade, with my friend Nick. He was funny, polite, and overall one of the kindest people I've ever met, so if I had to fall in love with anyone, it was gonna be him. I knew I liked him, that's for sure, but... well, he started dating our mutual friend Emily, so I gave up. Months later, they broke up because Emily moved away, and my best friend suggested that I ask Nick out. But I didn't, because I thought it would be scummy to date him right after Emily left. Years passed, Sarah told me that Nick liked me back, we danced at prom, and I kissed him on the cheek. Then I graduated, and didn't keep contact, mostly because I'm bad at those sorts of things.

I tried again in eleventh grade, while I was still wondering if Nick was the one. This time it was a girl, Cassidy, and goddamn, was she beautiful. The other kids in class whispered about how she used too much make-up, was faker than nylon, was too popular to be in Theatre class, but I couldn't help but like her. I think, out of all these loves, she was the closest to being real; we were cut from the same cloth, both having hippy mothers that everyone else loved but we resented, and we bonded over it. I used all my birthday money to buy her a protection necklace, as we both believed in ghosts and the like, and she hugged me and said I was her best friend. Then I graduated, and again, I lost contact, but with her it hurt even worse than losing Nick.

I tried so, so hard the fourth time. I tried to love a friend, a girl I won't even name, and although she hurt me and I'm half convinced I was exaggerating the pain she inflicted on me, it was my worst attempt at love yet, and didn't even come close to becoming true.

That was almost two years ago, and I haven't tried again since. Part of me kind of wants to, as I can't help but think highly of love and in it's many forms. I mean, honestly, who wouldn't? The very thought of being in love, of finding the other half- or many halves, in some cases- of your soul, or staying with someone forever and always... it sounds lovely, and I want it so bad, but it feels like a shooting star that's just out of reach, appearing so close yet so far, and even as everyone I know leaps up and catches the stars as they fall, I always manage to miss, much to everyone else's confusion and worry.

I want to fall in love so badly, it makes my bones ache and my eyes wet annoyingly often. It seems so easy, but really, it's so hard. It's hard watching everyone you know fall in love, and yet it just... doesn't happen for me.

Sometimes I think I can't fall in love because of my upbringing- Mom and Dad got divorced when I was ten, and before then I thought that they were the epitome of true love- but this can't be the case. After all, Dane has had a partner for quite awhile now, and I'd honestly be surprised if he doesn't marry them someday. Alyx has dated other boys several times, and he seems content with it. Lisa just fell in love, and her girlfriend makes her so incredibly happy, it's adorable. All my siblings have found love, and yet me, the youngest of the pack, the runt of the litter, can't seem to fall in love.

I've been told I might be aromantic. Hell, even I think I might be aromantic... but I don't want to be. I know that sounds horrible, and probably makes me an arophobe, but I can't help it. I want to fall in love more than anything else, and it feels cruel and terrible to take this human right from my heart, to strip this beautiful, intricate tattoo from my bones. Who decided I should be born this way? Who deemed it humane? Is this nature vs nurture, or something else entirely? What am I, if I cannot fall in love?

I want platonic love to be enough, and sometimes it is. Spending quality time with my Dad, watching TV and building Megablocks with Lisa, hanging out and drawing with Dane, talking about writing with Alyx, those things make me happy, and I love my family members so much. It's not just my family, either! Discussing writing and sharing interesting/funny posts with West, talking on the phone with Jason, watching anime with Sarah, these things make me happy, too.

And yet, I can never remain sated, can never make myself satisfied with this lifestyle. I feel like a werewolf, staying calm and content for a majority of the month, but when the full moon hits- the teasing of love, of something I'll never feel or understand- I scream my throat raw and lose myself to a bloodlust that will never end, will never stop. I am forever wandering, tempered yet so very hungry, begging for an end, an answer, but every antidote that's forced down my throat is temporary at best and poison at worst. I can't even tell if this is normal anymore, it just fucking hurts, like a wound that just won't heal, no matter how well I tend to it.

Something that feels akin to a double-edged sword for me is writing romance. I absolutely love doing it, love giving something to the characters that I will never have, and expressing what I wish I could through them. I've been told I'm good at writing romance- good at the communication, the intricacies, the little moments of contentment they share- and I don't know how to feel about it. Should I be proud? Should I be mad? I don't even know anymore. How can I write something so well, yet not feel it in my soul? I'm highly empathetic, I know this, and yet, this is the one thing I can't absorb, the one feeling I will never truly understand or feel.

I don't much care anymore that I'm asexual... if I ever did, I don't remember it. I'm fine with never having intercourse, and from what I've read, it's not necessary to make a relationship work. And yet... how do relationships work when you can't fall in love, either? Yes, platonic and familial relationships can still exist of course, and as loving and warm as they are, I still end up freezing in the winter. I'm cold, shivering as I await the roaring fire of romance, and yet, no matter how much timber and dry leaves I gather, no matter how many hours I spend with a flint and steel, struggling to light the smallest of embers with my shaking fingers, getting brief glimpses of sparks every so often, the fire won't come to life, and I'm left with only piles and piles of fuzzy, soft blankets... but they're not a fire, and I damn well know it.

This must all seem so strange, so exaggerated, but I'm a writer, and writing my feelings, it's the only way I know how to express this pain, this misery. I wish I could fall in love, but I don't think I can, and that, above all else, is what's killing me.

[devilsknotrp]

Congratulations, Jenn! You have been accepted for the role of Wendy Taylor (FC: Mary Louise Parker). Wow. What can we even say? You have brought Wendy a depth that we truly had not even envisaged. There were glimpses in her biography, but you have enhanced them and exampled how complex and nuanced she really is. The fact that she is a closeted lesbian makes a lot of sense, and I think exploring the notion of compulsive heterosexuality and her late relationship with Charlie will be a fantastic writing challenge - one we have no doubt you’ll pull off with aplomb. Your headcanons are extensive and beautifully written. This is a truly fantastic application. Thank you for writing her! Please have a look at this page prior to sending in your account.

OUT OF CHARACTER

Name: Jenn Age: 27 Pronouns: She/her Timezone: EST Activity estimation: I have a full-time job, but I can be around on weeknights and through the weekend! I can confidently approximate my activity at a few replies per week. Triggers: REDACTED

IN CHARACTER

Full name: Wendy Marie Taylor Age (DD/MM/YYY): Fifty years old (09 October 1946) – Libra sun, Cancer moon Gender: Cis female Pronouns: She/her Sexuality: Lesbian, though she will assert she is Straight Occupation: Regional Manager, Great Lakes Cup Company Connection to Victim: Linda Goode is one of the moms. Even if her own daughter has been grown for a decade plus, Wendy feels connected to the other mothers in Devil’s Knot because motherhood is so important to her. When Linda first moved into town, Wendy was drawn to her bright-eyed enthusiasm. They talk after church about their children, and Wendy gives some gentle advice when she can. They’re friendly, if not friends. Linda’s optimism in the face of a mother’s worst nightmare has only bolstered Wendy’s desire to know her better. She remembers what Sandy was like when Pete disappeared. Linda’s going to need all the help she can get. Alibi: Wendy spent the morning at home, going through her closets for things she could sell at her upcoming yard sale. One of the skirts she’d set aside – an old favorite – had a broken zipper, so she brought it to Aisha around 1pm to see if her sister-in-law could mend it. She got so wrapped up in playing with her nephew and talking to her family that she stayed for dinner, and didn’t come home until 7:30pm, at which point she ran a bath, read a few chapters of her book club book, and fell asleep. Faceclaim: I was approved for Mary Louise Parker! :) Other alternate faceclaim ideas (not proposed to y’all) are Winona Ryder and Marisa Tomei.

WRITING SAMPLE

The waiting really wasn’t so bad. At 11:15, the pie went in; by 11:30, the whole downstairs smelled like peaches and cinnamon, even all the way back in the laundry room where the dryer-sheet scent never left. This was what Heaven smelled like, to her. This was her Heaven, right here in Formica and linoleum. She closed her eyes to take it in. Sense is everything. That’s what Pastor Jeff had told her, last time they spoke one-on-one. She’d been struggling to stay grounded, with all the background noise starting up again: another missing boy, another swing to the slumbering hornets’ nest. She could feel the buzzing in her sleep, she said. Thank God for God. He made the world for us, Pastor Jeff told her, and we take it for granted. There are little blessings everywhere. All we have to do is open to receive.

Wendy pressed her shoulders against the back of the chair, imagining a coat hanger strung through her spine and then straightened just so. The birds were quietly tittering in the trees outside. The sky, she imagined, was blue. She wanted to believe that it was.

Her egg timer ticked. She could hear it better with her eyes closed. Sometimes she thought the insides of her eyelids looked like one of those abstract paintings that’re just colors and drips, chaos on a canvas. Like the blood splatter patterns. The photos Charlie pored over. You weren’t supposed to see that, he always said – but what did he know about supposed to? What did he know about her? He had heavy hands and a weak heart, and he–well, he–

Fuck him, she thought.

She opened her eyes. Some words taste sour on your tongue and some don’t taste like anything at all. By the refrigerator, Buddy flattened out on the floor, his head resting on his paws – Wendy hadn’t even noticed him come in. She reached for him with fingers caked in flour and dough. “C’mere, Bud,” she said, softly. “C’mon.” It took him a few seconds to stand; for those couple of breaths, she was sure he’d heard her curse. Then he was walking over, and exhaling, and nudging against her to make room for himself at her feet. “Hey, baby. How you doin’, huh?” She rubbed her hand through the fur at the top of his scalp. He didn’t react. “Oh, you’re mad at me now, ‘s that it?” Buddy was as much Charlie’s as he was hers or Jenny’s, but that’s what happens when you leave: you don’t get to claim ownership anymore.

Wendy let her breath come out her nose in one long stream. She used the heel of her palm to brush loose hair off her forehead; her hands were a mess. “Fine,” she said. She stood. She had Jenny’s number memorized by now, but she still grabbed her contact notebook and double-checked as she dialed. The answering machine picked it up. “Hey, honey, it’s Mom. I’m gonna be taking a pie over to the Goodes in an hour or so. I’d love some company.” She glanced at the hanging clock. 11:50. ”No pressure,” she added. “Just call me back before 1.” Wendy tightened her grip on the phone, readying herself to hang up – but her hand didn’t move. Her sigh went right into the mouthpiece, loud and clear. “And–maybe… if you haven’t yet, maybe call your dad, too. Just to–just to make sure he’s okay.” Okay. “Okay. I love you. Talk soon.” There were still 20 minutes left in the oven. They couldn’t pass quickly enough.

ANYTHING ELSE?

Here is my Pinterest board for Wendy! 

Wendy is a lesbian. Used to be. Wendy used to be a lesbian – and God, even the word is ugly, isn’t it? Lesbian, like the name of another species, something grey-skinned and hairless crawling out of a crater. She outgrew it when she grew up. There were thoughts, and dreams, and wishes and whims, and when she was younger there were girls her age who stopped her breathing just by touching her – but that was frivolity, that’s all. She can be so frivolous sometimes. If it weren’t for her Daddy’s looking out for her, she might’ve lit her life on fire years ago just ‘cause she liked to watch the sparks.

No one’s ever hurt her worse than Charlie Taylor did. Would you believe she really loved that son of a bitch? Being a housewife felt about as natural as waxing her leg hair off, but she did it for him – and, like waxing, it hurt less over time. Sweet, serious Charlie. He’d been impressive to her long before the Sheriff’s badge: just a kid at 20 when they’d first met, and even then there’d been something steady about him. Something safe. And as they got older, they got older together, and they got married together, and they had their daughter together. It didn’t matter who they were in the dark, because they were a family together, a whole of sums, a house united. That’s what kept Wendy from leaving, all those years ago, back when she could’ve left him. They had made something together. Even when things were bad, they were still warm like a burnt-up dinner, bitter but still hearty all the same. She couldn’t spit in the face of a home-cooked home. Guess Charlie wasn’t burdened with the same sense of sacrifice, though, ‘cause he gave it all up to be himself. As if she hadn’t bit her tongue for him. As if she hadn’t swallowed blood.

When she was younger, Wendy’s lifelong dream was to climb the tallest tree in Devil’s Knot. Up by the river, where Ely Street met North State and the water folded over the rocks underneath – right there, that one, the one that stretched bare and empty on top like it was just made for a Christmas tree angel to sit. It didn’t matter that there were taller trees by the Campgrounds; she claimed that one back in elementary school, pointing and shielding her face from the sun. She practiced on the trees in her front yard. Her legs still show the scars where sharp bark and misplaced foot-holds left their marks. Wendy’s mom used to patch her up quietly in the bathroom after she fell off, be it bike or branch, and now when she tries to remember her mother, she thinks of how they’d wince together when the iodine hit her skin. Her mother, watching Wendy’s face and sucking in her own breath through her teeth like she could feel it, too. Like it hurt her to hurt her, no matter how small the pain.

It was never her lifelong dream to work for Great Lakes Cups, that’s for sure – but she really does like it well enough. She’s the franchise’s first female regional manager in Michigan, if you’ll believe that. Her! Wendy Taylor! Sometimes, when she’s feeling particularly scatter-brained and stupid, she’ll remind herself to look at the little name-plate they put on the wall outside her door. If she can run a whole office of a consumer products manufacturing company, then she can do just about anything. And if there’s anything she can’t do – well, she’s got her Daddy to help guide her halfway to home. No one was happier for her than him when she got the promotion. Not even Charlie, who by then was already her ex on barely-speaking terms, divorce papers pending. Her Daddy has been her biggest supporter, coach, and strategist for longer than she cares to remember. She can see that now. No matter how many times she doubts him, it’s only the toughest love that gets people to change. She wouldn’t be who she is without his. 

Wendy always knew she wanted kids. Charlie wanted them too, and when they had Jenny, everything changed all at once. It was like another version of herself had been growing in her, too, right there in the womb next to her daughter. She gave birth to both of them. She saw it. She knows it’s crazy, but she saw it – and it wasn’t a hallucination, either. Pastor Jeff’s on her side. He says that the Creator has His ways of showing people what plans He has in store. After years of fighting and flailing and keeping God out of her heart, Wendy is finally ready to listen.

[errant-ezra]

A Story, I Guess

I just watched @danielhowell ‘s new video and I think it’s time for me to share my story. I know it probably won’t make much of a difference because not too many people follow me, but I need to talk about it. TW: depression, self harm, homophobia, suicide

My name is Elizabeth C[redacted]. Sorry, no last name, because I’d rather nobody from my school/town saw this.

I’m queer. I don’t really have any specific label because I’m still figuring myself out. I’m not sure if I’m a female or nb or gender fluid. I know I like women. I know I like nb people. I know I like men. I’d rather not try to figure out the exact word that defines me right now.

I grew up in a small rural town. I still live here. 300 people, pre-k through senior year. It’s beautiful, it really is. Mountains, rivers, our autumns are breathtaking. The only ugly things are the trashy grocery store and some of the people.

Up until third grade, I only knew “gay” as a word for happy. I didn’t know that there were people who liked the same gender. I certainly didn’t know people weren’t always the gender they were assigned at birth. Quite a few people in my town still don’t know.

When I was in maybe first grade, a bully at my school called me and a friend “lesbians” on the bus. My friend told me to tell the bus driver. I didn’t even know what it meant.

In third grade, before the Christmas concert, a kid came up and said “Elizabeth has gay happy meetings.” And I said, “yeah, I’m happy” and he said “no, it means you like girls.” I don’t think I really understood what he meant by that. I just went along with it.

Up until seventh grade, everything was uneventful. I wasn’t really aware gay people existed. A rumor went around in sixth grade that our music teacher was a lesbian but I stood up for her because, from everything I knew, being a lesbian was bad.

And then, in eighth grade, a girl showed up. And I was screwed. I realized I liked her. More than just a friend. And I was bi. I sat with her and another out girl in the back of the bus on the way home and we would talk about the girls we thought were pretty.

Even in such a small school, though, these girls were the outcasts. Nobody really talked to them and so, by association, nobody really talked to me either. I don’t think we even told anyone we were queer, but we didn’t really hide it either.

I was lucky. My older sibling came out to me as bi a year earlier, and it made me confident enough to come out to my mom in a letter. My mom is a wonderful person, I just want everyone to know that. She is my favorite person on the planet. But she wasn’t exactly supportive.

She told me the typical “it might be a phase” and “lots of girls your age experiment.” And I cried. A lot. Because all I had wanted was a simple ok. All I’d wanted was to be told it was alright and she loved me. And she said she loved me. But she didn’t say it was normal.

I have a lot of internalized homophobia from when I was a kid. Everything stupid or bad or unpleasant? Gay. There’s still kids in my senior class who do this, and who use the f slur. And it’s fucked me up a lot.

A year or two later, I came out to my dad, this time as Pan. He said it was ok. He didn’t really care, I was always going to be his kid and he was always going to love me. “There’s a lot of good in you, kiddo.” That’s the thing that sticks out most in my mind.

But the internalized homophobia was still there. I fought it off by trying to be obnoxiously queer, talking about how pretty girls were, throwing around my sexuality like confetti. And on the outside it worked.

On the inside, it didn’t. I have a genetic disposition for anxiety and depression. My mom says our thermostats for serotonin are just set too low. And in the summer before ninth grade, it got bad.

I went to a camp. Like, a camping type of camp where we went on hikes and slept in tents and only got to shower every other day. The first day I was seated at a table with a guy I’ll call Mike. And I could tell he was gay. He was talking about his significant other, tentatively mentioned he was a guy, and all the other people kept eating.

He and I became close friends over the rest of the week, along with a gender-fluid kid we can call Jack and a straight girl (she thought at the time, later she realized I was her lesbian awakening which sucks cause I had a huge crush on her at the time and hid it) I’ll call Kelly.

We talked a lot. The other three had pretty prominent mental health issues, and were open about it. I mentioned how my mental health wasn’t great either. The four of us bonded, and at the end of the week we promised to keep in touch.

Later that summer, we were still all in touch and my mind was getting worse, no small part due to the internalized homophobia. I self harmed for the first time, scratching my face until it bled. I had scabs for the rest of the summer.

After that, it only got worse. I started cutting, using a pencil sharpener I had and bandaging it with loose leaf. I was alone, I was hopeless, I didn’t belong, I wasn’t right. I started writing suicide letters pretty frequently.

In tenth grade, it reached its peak. I was in a very toxic relationship with a guy for quite a while, and it only worsened my mental state. I wanted support, but all I got was someone telling me to suck it up. So I sucked it up, and kept it inside, and let it eat away at me.

And then I fell in love. With a girl. And she was everything to me. She was silly and brilliant and so full of light and life. And I was so terrified of being with a girl that it took me four months of dating to finally kiss her.

But for the first time, I felt right. Even though there was this awful pressure and my mom was uncomfortable with me being with this girl, I felt so happy with her that I could ignore that. But I wasn’t good enough still.

As much as I wish I could say she saved me, I still had to save myself. And I was reluctant to do so. At this point I was on a small dose of Zoloft and was going to therapy, but I was still unmanageable. It got to the point where I would think about killing myself nearly every day. And then, one day, I opened my eyes and I had pills in my hand and a glass of water and I realized it was a mistake.

I didn’t kill myself that night. And I haven’t gotten that close since. But I still have panic attacks. I was clean for almost a year up until last week when stress caught up to me all at once. But I’m working on it.

My worst tendency, though, isn’t physical. I have this awful habit of finding any homophobic website, thread, discussion, whatever, and reading it until I can feel myself on the brink of a panic attack. I would do this over and over, feeding that hatred inside me. And I don’t know why.

I still do this, though I’ve gotten better. I have a bi pride flag hanging in my bedroom window. I have rainbow pride shirts and buttons. I have forced myself to accept who I am over and over, and some days it still feels impossible. But I’m getting there. And one day, maybe I’ll get to the point wherever that awful thing inside me doesn’t exist. But until then, I have to work and push every day to love myself.

I know this is just terribly long and probably not worth reading, but... I needed to say it. Because I’ve never put it all out there. And while that girl and I are no longer together, we still love each other. I’ve had some other relationships, but none of them have felt the same. I’m comfortable openly flirting with girls now.

Basically, what I’m saying, is that there is hope. It gets better. You are strong. You can survive. And also, it’s a process. It may take a while to truly love yourself, but I promise, you will get there. And in the meantime, just love being yourself. You’re living a life that nobody else will ever get to live. And that’s incredible. So take a minute sometimes to remember that. You’re worth it. You matter. We love you.

[simblrbreezycakes]

i was tagged by @chippedcupanddustybooks sweet bb. i am tagging @irrelephantsims @magnoliidae @simplymelaninated and anyone who hasn’t been tagged i swear i feel like the last person doing this LOL. heckin long ass questionnaire under the cut.

1. What is your full name? Brianna Leigh [Redacted] 2. What is your nickname? Breezy 3. Birthday? may 4th 4. What is your favorite book series? hmmmm series? idk.... i really like every single john grisham book and they aren’t related but when you have such a niche brand of book i feel like it counts lol.  5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? kinda on both. 6. Who is your favorite author? oh whew. tough one right here. idk man, i have a few? but if i had to choose i guezz i would say george orwell.   7. What is your favorite radio station? who tf listens to the radio like det anymore lmfao. i don’t have one. before i listened to 107.1 in memphis in the car sometimes, but i moved so. 8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? i loveeee pineapple anything. 9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? lit 10. What is your current favorite song? currently really into pink in the night by mitski and also sicko mode by travis scott.

11. What is your favorite word? good ole fuck(in/ed/etc.) i also really like voluptuous and bubbles. 12. What was the last song you listened to? last thing i listened to was another lifetime x nao.  13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? absolutely check out the good place. also hilda, the dragon prince, she-ra princess of power, criminal minds, law and order (the original), and snapped. 14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? i used to watch the notebook religiously when it rained/felt upset like shit. but lately i’ve been watching say yes to the dress to combat my depression lol. 15. Do you play video games? yah 16. What is your biggest fear? dying alone and no one finding me. like literally alone not like meta alone “oh no one loves me” like dead ass alone somewhere isolated. 17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? hmmmmm idk that i care a lot about other people? 18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? all of them lmfao. i’m annoying, i’m physically unattractive, i talk too damn much, i can be kind of a bitch both intentionally and unintentionally, i’m a trash writer, i can be selfish, and i self depreciate a lot (lol see above response “all of them”) and i’m sure that gets on people who love and care about me’s nerves ((but like....i mean it lmfao)) 19. Do you like cats or dogs better? whew tough. prolly cats though.  20. What is your favorite season? winter followed by a tie between spring and fall.  21. Are you in a relationship? nah lmfao.  22. What is something you miss from your childhood? not being so fuckin ugly and depressed lmfao. 23. Who is your best friend? “my person” as greys anatomy stans would say is ivy lynn [redacted] [redacted] but i also wanna shout out my home girl mary (i know you follow me on here), my home girl christina (also follows me on here but she never checks her simblr anymore), my smoothie gang bitches, my NSA bitches (which includes both ivy and mary lmfao), and my memphis as fuck family. honorable mention to loml [redacted] who is skating on thin fucking ice with me right now lmfao. 24. What is your eye color? brown 25. What is your hair color? brown 26. Who is someone you love? don’t make me answer this tumblr gods. 27. Who is someone you trust? all my best friends, my parents, my brother. 28. Who is someone you think about often? fucking murder me @ this question lmfao. my friend kate (RIP) my grandmother grannypeg (RIP) and [redacted] 29. Are you currently excited about/for something? i’m excited to spend christmas in a new country! forging new traditions and all that. 30. What is your biggest obsession? currently i’m obsessed with wedding stuff and mens fashion and how mens fashion such as suits translates into womens fashion. we love a hot lady in a tailored suit amiright? 31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? spongebob squarepants RIP :”( 32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? [redacted] 33. Are you superstitious? kinda i guess? not really about stuff like stepping on cracks breaking mamas’ backs or opening umbrellas indoors but little things about familial traditions. 34. Do you have any unusual phobias? not really a phobia but i have misophonia. i also hate eye shit. like eye violence or anything fuckin around with eyes is a big no from me dawg. 35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? absolutely behind the camera. i used to be a theater kid so like being on stage i don’t mind but when it comes to the spotlight and being filmed??? no no no no no. lemme be a cinnamontawgrowfur all day.  36. What is your favorite hobby? watching movies, playing skyrim (I MISS IT SO MUCH), reading, watching music videos, modern calligraphy/hand lettering, baking (ALSO MISS IT MUCH) 37. What was the last book you read? lol a textbook about developing countries.

38. What was the last movie you watched? i just rewatched the swan princess the other day but in terms of watching something brand new i think it was this tom cruise movie my friend showed us and i thought she said someone else ( i don’t remember now. maybe tom hanks?) it was pretty good he was irish or sum with nicole kidman and they came to the united states and pretended to be siblings but the sexual tension was so fucking high dawg. 

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? nothing i’m wack and a disappointment to my musically gifted family (my dad and brother)  40. What is your favorite animal?  polar bears followed by giraffes. 41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? i’m gonna go with my main tumblr because ion wanna hurt nobody’s feelings but i follow a celebs of color page i really love, a fashion page i really love, and a few artists i really love. 42. What superpower do you wish you had? teleportation or shape shifting.  43. When and where do you feel most at peace?  i feel most at peace when it is raining and i’m in my room, everything is clean and tidy, candles are lit, i have nothing to do so the world is my oyster, i have a nice cup of coffee or hot cocoa or tea, and i just am v i b i n g.  44. What makes you smile? seeing my friends, my brother (when he isn’t pissing me off), funny videos of red dead people falling off their horse in cinematic mode, pretty flowers, cute art, round birds. 45. What sports do you play, if any? i don’t lmfao. 46. What is your favorite drink? honestly a frozen margarita no salt. 47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? a month ago.  48. Are you afraid of heights? absolutely. 49. What is your biggest pet peeve? people chewing with their mouths open and people talking to me like i’m incompetent/assuming i don’t know anything about what they’re trying to talk to me about especially if it is my area of expertise lol. 50. Have you ever been to a concert? hail yeah. many. 51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? nope! 52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? honestly i don’t know but i have a distinct memory of a bunch of girls in my second grade, yours truly included, wanting to be strippers. and i don’t know why or how this came up or if we even truly knew what stripping meant but. yeah. OH i guess around the time i was in 4th/5th grade i started wanting to be a harvard law graduate and be a lawyer but i gave that up in like high school and then bounced being a lawyer back and forth in my noggin up until i applied for grad school. shout out to my mary for doing it though.  53. What fictional world would you like to live in? hmmmm idk. none of em really. 54. What is something you worry about? if i made the right decision(s) in life lol.  55. Are you scared of the dark? not really.  56. Do you like to sing? yeah i do! doesn’t mean i’m good at it though haha. 57. Have you ever skipped school? yeah lmfao. 58. What is your favorite place on the planet? i miss Rwanda a lot. but honestly my favorite place is wherever the people i love are. my family loves to travel so whenever i’m with someone i love sharing an experience? i’m in heaven. 59. Where would you like to live? idk anywhere i guess. somewhere it is mostly cold most of the time though haha. 60. Do you have any pets? my bb boi fred lives with my dad and my mom has a dog and 2 cats. we used to have 3 but one of em ran away when she moved to her house, we caught him, he ran away again. oh whale. 61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? oh a big time night owl. big time. 62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? honestly i like sunrises better but i am never awake to catch em hahah. 63. Do you know how to drive? yah and i fuckin love doing it. 64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? i prefer headphones. like really quality ones too. but i tend to use earbuds more often because i don’t need quality while im working out or going to class just easy grab and go. 65. Have you ever had braces? nope but i used to want some so bad. 66. What is your favorite genre of music? i love rap, dream-y pop music and dream-y rap music, i love 80s music. all 80s music really lmfao.  67. Who is your hero? mi mum and mi dad. also viola davis queen of inventing acting and every single color in the rainbow. 68. Do you read comic books? kind of. i was trying to build up a collection before i moved but i only had my BP comics. 69. What makes you the most angry? injustice and offensive ass content and behaviors. also don’t fuck with my friends. i got two dudes on my shit list right now that it is *on sight* if i ever see them again. 70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? a real book all the way. idk what it is about digital reading my brain shuts the fuck down. i am super fast reader but the second i try and read something digitally it takes me maybe like 10-15 min to get through just a few sentences. 71. What is your favorite subject in school? history lol i was a history major. 72. Do you have any siblings? yeah my chicken nugget puppy brother dylan. asshole. 73. What was the last thing you bought? some historical romance i think? it’s in dutch so idrk.  74. How tall are you? 5′7 i think. 75. Can you cook? yeah i love cooking but saddly don’t do much of it. 76. What are three things that you love? my teddy bear my momma got me for valentines day, my st. agatha figurine, and my yikes tapestry mary got me. i realize now after reading the next question you probably meant like shit in general so. the smell of a fresh cup of coffee, snuggly warm sweaters, postcards and tiny gifts from friends. you know the ones “i just got this for you because i thought you’d like it” 77. What are three things that you hate? funky ass attitudes, the smell and feel of lavender oil, corn. 78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? female 79. What is your sexual orientation? i’m a big ole heterosexual. sorry to disappoint :/  80. Where do you currently live? the netherlands. 81. Who was the last person you texted? my friend and former roommate. today is her birthday. 82. When was the last time you cried? like an hour ago lmfao. 83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? i don’t have one haha. vevo i guess. 84. Do you like to take selfies? do i like taking them? not really. it takes me too damn long to get one that looks good enough. i like sending stupid selfies to friends though. 85. What is your favorite app? i use twitter probably the most but my favorite app is my spider solitaire game haha. 86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? we are very close. i would say both of my parents are my biggest supporters and cheerleaders but how they do that looks a bit different. my mom and i are very similar but sometimes how we handle certain things is very different so we can be the best of friends one day and the completely butt heads the next. 87. What is your favorite foreign accent? i loovveeeee a scottish accent and an irish accent. also tbrh i love a good southern boy drawl. like idk if i could play for you all the way this one dude who works with my mom talks? i would because i wanna bottle it and listen to it whenever i feel bad. 88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? i would really like to go to norway for my birthday. 89. What is your favorite number? i don’t have one. 90. Can you juggle? nope but i did try and learn i have a video of it somewhere lmfao. 91. Are you religious? kind of. i’m more spiritual than religious and lowkey hate saying that because it sounds so hoitietoitie but it’s true. 92. Do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting? the ocean. so much of it we haven’t explored. thinking about space makes me feel existential and dead inside.  93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? nah haha 94. Are you allergic to anything? yeah i’m supposed to take one claritin a day but like i don’t. 95. Can you curl your tongue? yeah 96. Can you wiggle your ears? nope :(  97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? i’ll admit i’m wrong if i’m actually wrong but you’re gonna have to a helluva lot of convincing to get me there lmfao. though if my being “wrong” has caused harm to someone else i’ll apologize quicker than lightning because the last thing i would want is for my stubbornness to hurt someone i love. 98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? um the mountains 99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? "never turn down a date. you never know who you might meet while you’re out” -my grandmother to my mother to me. 100. Are you a good liar? lmfaooooo i am a reformed liar. 101. What is your Hogwarts House? HUFFLEPUFF BAYBEEE 102. Do you talk to yourself? yah 103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? an introvert. i may be loud and talkative sis but i promise you i’m over compensating because i want you to like me lmfao. 104. Do you keep a journal/diary? i have a private twitter does that count. 105. Do you believe in second chances? depends. 106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do?imma keep it real with you chief i would keeps the money lmfao. in the past i would’ve tried to return it to the owner but i am big broke bois with a lot of unexpected expenses coming up so like... yeah lmfao. we keepin that coint. 107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? sometimes. 108. Are you ticklish? yes lmfao 109. Have you ever been on a plane? yeah! 110. Do you have any piercings? yah i got my lobes pierced one on each ear, my nose, and a cartilage piercing. 111. What fictional character do you wish was real? my girl nancy drew. 112. Do you have any tattoos? yeah i got 2 of em. 113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? idk lmfao. probably when i applied for cityterm and when i appled to go back to undergrad. 114. Do you believe in karma? Yeah but not in a “oh you hurt me? you’re gonna get your come uppins” way but in a every action affects your soul and your being kinda way.  115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? im supposed to wear glasses but ask me if im wearing em right now lmfao. 116. Do you want children? presently i don’t see myself wanting or having kids but i want to foster. 117. Who is the smartest person you know? my friends lol. 118. What is your most embarrassing memory? literally every single memory has a tinge of embarassment lol. but probz when i walked into the cafeteria my first day of highschool as a smol freshman and my knees locked up and i fell forward and my giant ass backpack (because i never used my locker ever in any grade) wrapped around my neck and had me stuck in a strange position in the middle of the parting of the tables in the cafeteria.  119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? hell yeah lmfao. 120. What color are most of you clothes? blue or black 121. Do you like adventures? yeah! 122. Have you ever been on TV? yeah but like on the news and shit. 123. How old are you? 24 124. What is your favorite quote? i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart) 125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? OOF TOUGH BUT UHHH probz sweet. 

[kivaember]

Prompt #21: Repast

“You’re scrawnier than I thought.”

“Elezen are naturally lean,” Aymeric replied amicably, trying not to be put off by the intense, near-predatory stare boring into him, “We do not pile on muscle easily like you Xaela.”

“Hmm,” said his companion.

His companion being, specifically, Aza’s mother. She was tall for a Xaela woman, built like a destrier Chocobo with a brusque temperament to match, and possessing long, grey-streaked hair scraped back into a loose ponytail. She looked young for her supposed sixty years, even with the harsh lines pulling at the corners of her mouth and crinkling the corners of her eyes, and her body still looked strong and sturdy beneath her sturdy hunting tunics.

Strong enough to snap him over her knee like a twig, if Aza’s whispered warnings before they stepped into the yurt were anything to go by. He wasn’t keen to test if that had been an exaggeration or not – not only out of fear of discovering that prodigious strength was true, but because getting into a physical fight with his partner’s mother probably wasn’t the correct way to go about this.

“Aym’s pretty built beneath that armour,” Aza piped up at his side, “He’s Lord Commander of Ishgard’s military force, so he has to be strong for it.”

Aza’s mother, Atani, hummed again, her gaze taking on a shrewd edge to it, “Lord Commander…” she repeated, her voice thick with the accent of the Steppe. She knew Eorzean Common surprisingly well, despite Aza confessing it wasn’t her second or even third language, “Is that like a khagan?”

Aymeric glanced at Aza questioningly.

“Uh, yeah. Kinda,” Aza scratched his cheek in a clearly nervous gesture, “He’s the strongest warrior, leads the Ishgardian warriors into battle. Smart too, and, umm...”

Truthfully, Aymeric would place Estinien and several others above himself in terms of martial strength and intelligence, but he said nothing as Atani, once more, hummed and let the matter drop entirely – just in time for their last companion, Aza’s father, Aruci, to sweep next to their table and set down a large, steaming pot in the middle: the family hotpot Aza promised him when inviting him to the meal.  

“Atani, stop intimidating the poor boy,” Aruci chided gently, easing himself down on the floor with creaking knees, “He’s here as our guest.”

“If he finds this intimidating, then he’s too soft, isn’t he?” Atani said idly, then shot Aymeric’s way almost lazily, “Are you intimidated?”

“Not particularly,” Aymeric said truthfully. Compared to Nidhogg, or even Hraesvelgr, Atani’s intimidation was tolerable and like water off a mudpuppy’s back. There was only so much your glares could do when lacking the terrifying jaws of a furious, hungry dragon to go with it, “Mildly threatened, perhaps, but not intimidated.”

“Hah!” Atani leaned back, slapping a hand on her thigh, “Oh, I like this one,” she said to Aza, pointing rudely at Aymeric, “He’s bold.”

“Don’t I know it,” Aza grumbled, but he was looking pleased and incredibly relieved. No doubt he was happy this whole meeting was going so well – and that no one had been stabbed yet, an alarming possibility that was allegedly common with Xaela tribes in these situations according to Aza. It was why his partner had been so insistent he wore light armour for the meal, even if the noble upbringing in Aymeric squirmed at the perceived insult of it.

“You know, Aza speaks very warmly of you,” Aruci said in a surprisingly gentle, placid tone as he began spooning out the hotpot into everyone’s respective bowls. His hands were rough, calloused and gnarled, but still steady and strong. Aza mentioned he was a renowned crafter, and it showed, “Every time he comes home, he’s always eager to share affectionate tales about you.”

“And Bluebird the risqué ones,” Atani added teasingly, her mouth curving into a very Bluebird-esque smile when Aza turned an adorable shade of red, “Oh, come now, my little Coeurl, don’t be shy! It’s good to have a partner that satisfies you both emotionally and-”

“Okay!” Aza said a little too loudly, waving his hands frantically, “Can we please not talk about my sex life at the dinner table?”  

“I guess it is a poor subject to start off with,” Atani admitted grudgingly, her focus sliding back to Aym with her smile shifting back into too-predatory, “Instead, why not tell us how you two came together? Aza has been so secretive about it…”

At that, Aymeric and Aza shared a brief look. Their ‘coming together’ had been due to copious amounts of alcohol, Aza puking on his boots after publicly confessing his love on top of a table at a dinner party, followed by a very awkward conversation during the unpleasant throes of being hungover. There had been nothing romantic about it – it had been raw, emotionally exhausting, yet… good, in an odd way.

Of course, Aza avoided him for three weeks afterwards before Aymeric could pin him down and get a straight answer out of him regarding what they were but, well, that hungover, emotional talk had been the real start to their… relationship. Sort of.  

There was no pretty or gentle way to explain this, though. It had been a mess from start to finish.

“Um, well…” Aza cleared his throat, his left ear flicking nervously, “Bluebird didn’t tell you?”

“Your sister has a big mouth on many things,” Atani said bluntly, “But even she can be discreet about others. She hasn’t told us.”

“Oh,” Aza looked as surprised as Aymeric felt, “Well, uhhh, so… we got together after a… party…”

Aymeric had to hide a helpless smile behind his hand. Aza was such a terrible liar, and his partner stuttered and awkwardly talked around the unsavoury parts of the story under his mother’s far too knowing gaze.

“…and then we decided to give it a shot,” Aza finished his highly abridged and redacted tale, “And here we are, two years later.”

“Two years later,” Atani echoed, sharing a look with her husband, “Well, you really do seem happy.”

“I am,” Aza said firmly, sitting up straighter and looking his mother straight in the eyes, “I’m very happy with Aym. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Well. Well. Aymeric was suddenly very glad he had a bowl of hotpot to distract himself with at that bold declaration. His heart felt like it was doing something very squishy and potentially medically fatal, unable to stop the no doubt stupid, lovesick smile curling his mouth. There was something so good to hear that, if only because Aza had been so sad and lonely at the beginning, almost lost and hesitant to get attached and love. To hear him boldly declare his happiness now was…

“I can see that…” Atani murmured very softly, and something complicated flickered across her expression.

Aruci settled a hand over Atani’s, giving it a squeeze, “We’re happy for you, Aza. You’ve come a long way since we first took you in. We’re both proud of you.”

Atani gave herself a bit of a shake, motherly warmth filling her expression and chasing away the shadows that had lurked there, “So very proud. I always knew you had the better taste in men than your sister-”

“Mom,” Aza protested, his face was bright red at this point and his eyes suspiciously teary.

“-I mean, he’s leagues better than that Felyx,” Atani finished with a roll of her eyes, “Do you know Felyx, Aymeric?”

Aymeric knew Felyx very well. Bluebird had delighted in telling him that Aza’s fellow adventurer used to be a ‘fuck buddy’ when his relationship with his partner had been new and tentative. Looking back, he suspected Bluebird had been testing him, gauging his jealousy – Aymeric didn’t care. Aza wasn’t the disloyal sort, and whatever was between him and Felyx was no longer sexual. He had simply filed that fact away as an interesting piece of trivia and never thought about it in depth again.  

“We’ve met,” he said simply, “He gets around, from what I hear.”

“He’s not that bad,” Aza grumbled, “Just because he’s open about being poly-”

“Your sister wanted to marry him,” Atani said flatly, and Aza choked on the rest of his words.

“W-W-W-Wh-” Aza coughed and drew in a deep breath… if only to shriek; “What!?”

“Huh,” Aymeric said, trying to see it and failing. Bluebird, wanting to marry someone? It boggled the mind.

“Hah! I see Bluebird didn’t tell you that story!” Atani chortled, slapping her thigh, “Aruci, love, tell Aza about that disaster.”

“Oh, come now, let’s not embarrass her. She’s not even here to defend herself-”

“You have to tell me!” Aza breathed, looking torn between morbid fascination and utter delight, “Please, Dad!”

Aruci sighed, and groaned when Atani playfully ribbed him, but he gave in with a, “Well, three years back…”

“Three years!? That recent!?”

“Let him finish,” Atani scolded.

Aymeric leaned back slightly, relieved that focus had shifted from him to this humiliating tale of Bluebird’s ill-advised marriage proposal. The hotpot was good, he found, his gaze drawn to Aza as his partner drank in the embarrassing story about his sister, admiring how openly happy and relaxed and carefree he was. He looked younger, happier, basking in the presence of his family, adopted or not…

He felt an odd twinge, then – not quite longing but… a realisation that he was missing something he never truly had. Lord Borel had been a good guardian, but he had never been a father. Kind and affectionate, yes, but his love was not unconditional, and there was always an edge of political posturing when it came to Aymeric. He had long made peace with the fact that he had been a chess piece on the board that was Ishgardian politics, and that he never really knew what a proper family was.

But this… hmm. It probably felt a little like this.

Yes, a little.

Content with that, Aymeric settled in, finding contentment in being accepted into the small circle that was Aza’s family, if only for today.