#somebody stop me i keep writing lmfao

[norris55s]

Chaotic texts between pilot!reader and max

chaotic texts - max verstappen

reader x max verstappen texts, except they’re crazy and they’re both f1 drivers in a situationship

pt. 2 pt. 3

warnings: very suggestive [18+ please] and lighthearted death/crashing jokes

a/n: i took the liberty of making this a sort of enemies/friends with benefits type of deal i thought it would be fun i hope it’s good!

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[silvervioletvalentine]

🖤🎱¡i can see you baby¡🎱🖤

Pairing: Auston Matthews x Cherrie!

Word count : 3.2k

Summary : in which sneaking around behind her boyfriends back turns into meetings in hallways and ‘I love you’s.’

Warnings : mostly fluff I think. Tiny bit of smut but barely mentioned . This is my first try at writing something that isn’t 10k, soooo, I don’t know. It’s not my best cause I had to stop myself from writing a full plot but I’m trying lmfao. Let me know what u think xoxo

'You brush past me in the hallway

And you don't think I, I, I can see ya, do ya?

I've been watchin' you for ages

And I spend my time tryin' not to feel it'

Cherrie tried so hard not to glance up from her drink as she felt a familiar hand gently brush up against her lower back, lingering on the bare skin that was  showing from the low cut of her dress. She Felt him hesitate for a moment, his step faltering as though he wanted to stop all together and say something to her .

She knew he did.

And She knew what he wanted to say, and what he wanted to do too. She knew him. And she knew All the things that he wanted to whisper in her ear, all the promises that he pleaded for her just  to hear , If only she would just give him one chance.

But she knew better.

At least , she liked to act like she did. As though she didn't want to go running straight to him. So as he brushed past her in the crowded hallway , in a group chatting with all of their mutual friends. 

She pretended not to see it. She Pretend not to feel it.

She knew that he had been watching her for ages , longer than the whole night . She knew him. And he knew her more than any other person on the planet ever would, because he had gotten underneath her skin. His hands beneath her shirt and his body beneath her sheets. He was becoming something that she missed, something that she knew she shouldn't keep entertaining. Something that she shouldn't have .

He tried to be slick with it, tried to be subtle. Like he didn't think that she could see it, as though she didn't have clue. But she could see him, she always had.

He had wanted her from the very first moment she was introduced to him, a shy smile on her lips, in a pretty dress as her boyfriend boasted about her to him. Auston had been frozen still  , drink halfway to his lips as he watched her , his brain going quiet , hardly blinking as he felt his stomach sinking and heart racing , he felt it then. And he felt it now .

One look into her eyes and it was over for him. And he cursed the day that his best friend had met her , enraged that it hadn't been him first. Hating having to linger on the sidelines, watching her kiss somebody that wasn't him.  Knowing that it could be , would be , stung just as bad.

He didn't think that she noticed. But she did. She saw him. She always had.

But this time she pretended not to, as he brushed past her again for the second time that night , She turned back to her boyfriend , taking a deep breath and pushing down the need to follow him straight out of the door and never look back.

'But what would you do if I went to touch you now?

What would you do if they never found us out?

What would you do if we never made a sound?'

"You look so beautiful." Auston breathed out quietly to her on his birthday , hidden away in the bathroom with her.

His arms around her waist as he tucked his head into the crook of her neck, kissing down her soft skin, trying not to leave his mark. Teeth just grazing her jaw. So tempted to do it. To show her boyfriend, his best friend, just what they were doing. He wanted him to know, wanted him to see that she was his just as much as he was hers.

He wondered what she would do if he went to touch her now , if he opened the door and let them all see the truth. He knew that she would pull away, that she would tell him that this needed to move fast and keep quiet.

But Auston was selfish and he was in love , and all he wanted was for her to admit that it was real. That it was him. He Wanted her to dump her boyfriend and run away with him. To say fuck it to everybody else, because nobody else mattered to him but her.

"Shhh Auston.." she sighed in pleasure , tilting her neck.

Feeling him smiling smugly against her skin as he kissed his way down to her chest , the sound of his belt buckle coming undone , the lowering of his zip filling  the small bathroom.

Her breath hitching as she felt him, her dress hiked up above her hips as he pressed her against the door. And it was dangerous  , it was risky and her heart was pounding because anybody could walk

past and hear them.

But the party was too loud and everybody was celebrating Auston while he fucked her in his bathroom. Not wanting to let her go.

And all she could think dazedly was, what if they never found us out?

Could she really do this forever with him? Could she keep to whispered wants and quick touches? Longing kisses and stolen goodbyes? Could she really ever move on from this? From him?

She felt Austin's breath tremble against her lips , felt him whisper her name and she knew.

'Cause I can see you waitin' down the hall from me

And I could see you up against the wall with me

And what would you do, baby, if you only knew?

That I can see you'

Auston was laughing breathlessly against her lips as she finally met him in the hallway , having waited for her for almost half an hour before she was finally able to slip away.

He twirled her around in her pretty dress , shaking his head slowly  in awe at her. His grin never leaving his face as he pressed her up against the wall, eyes meeting her own.

"You coming to Greece with us?" He asked her hopefully. Not wanting to spend two weeks without her. Their mutual friends having decided to have a holiday together during the off season.

She nodded her head, smiling as she kissed him before whispering to him like it was a secret . "Guess what?"

He grinned. Running his fingers through her hair . "What?"

"It's just me this time." She told him. Feeling the guilt of doing this kicking in but quickly pushing it away as she watched his face light up, eyes going wide with excitement at the thought of having her all to himself  .

He looked down at her with baited breath , heart racing in his chest  .

"Don't joke with me." Hw warned her . Biting down on his lip. Feeling like he was the only one between them that was feeling this way.

If she asked him to jump, he would say , how high? But what he didn't know was that she would do the same thing.

All he had to do was ask.

"I'm not. You have for me all to yourself for two weeks matthews. Don't waste it." She said. Laughing against his lips as he attacked her mouth into a hard kiss, shutting her up before he told her her loved her right there and then .

And if only he knew. She felt it too.

'But something's changed, it's somethin' I, I like

They keep watchful eyes on us

So it's best that we move fast and keep quiet'

It had started out as mutual attraction and manic sex In dirty bathrooms , fucking each other when he could sneak her away. Loving for the thrill of it, it was never meant to be anything more than that.

But somewhere along the way, Auston had gotten attached . And Cherrie found it increasingly harder to deny what she was feeling. Found it harder to push him away, to turn him down. To try and convince him that this couldn't happen forever.

And the quick kisses turned to lingering ones, and his hands reached for hers behind her back while he talked to her boyfriend casually, as though she wasn't holding his heart in her hand . And then he started staying  the night. Started imagining his clothes beside hers in the closet, starting dreaming of what it would feel like to have her on his arms, to call her his to all his friends.

And they thought that they were being sneaky, that their love was subtle. But what Auston had forgotten was how well his friend knew him.

So lost in each other, running around Greece like it was something they could do for the rest of their lives . They missed the watchful eyes on them, trying their best to move fast and keep quiet.

But mitch saw them.

He watched warily , lips pinching in unease as Austin's eyes lingered on her smile, saw the way he made the most stupid jokes just to get her to laugh. Trying out any dish that she ate  , even when he knew that he would hate it. Watched as he made a fool of himself just to keep her eyes on him.

He saw The way his friends hand reached for hers when he Thought nobody was watching . The way they snuck out when they thought everyone else was asleep , sneaking down to the beach to be together . Wrapped around each other in the sea, kissing underneath the moonlight as it bathed down on them.

Mitch's eyes widening in complete shock as he watched them giggle, watched them kiss and roll around in the sand. As though she didn't have a boyfriend that was also one of Austons best friends, a friend of theirs too by extension  .

So the next morning , Mitch confronted him. Unable to keep quite.

He looked at Auston in disappointment and Auston knew that he had been found out.

But instead of being panicked or scared, he just felt a sense of relief wash over him. Relieved That he wasn't alone in his secret anymore.

"What are you doing man?" He sighed out . Worried. Knowing that this couldn't end well. Somebody's heart was going to get broken  and he didn't want it to be Austons.

Auston just shrugged , eyes drawn to the window as he watched Cherrie walk across the beach, picking up shells for them to paint later . To take home as a bonus memory.

"I'm not doing anything." He tried to shrug it off. The guilt . But his love overpowered it.

He wanted her. And nothing was going to ever change that.

Mitch shook his head at him, frowning . "This isn't fair to him auston. If this Is serious..." they shared a look. One that told Mitch that it was. That this wasn't just some stupid fling.

"He needs to go. You can't keep doing this."

He just laughed in defeat. Running a hand over his face sadly . "You don't think I know that?" He scoffed. Heart aching . "You think I meant for this to happen? Think I meant to fall in love with her?" He snapped back at him defensively.

Mitch's eyes widened , startled , and Auston saw his shock, and laughed bitterly .

"Yeah. I love her. Not so simple huh?" He muttered. Not sparing him another glance before muttering  . "Keep quiet about this. It has nothing to do with you." Before leaving.

Heading straight for her  without any hesitation .

The smile only returning to his face when she turned to proudly show him the shells that she had collected.

Austons arms sliding back home around her waist as he leant his head against her shoulder  contently , kissing her there .

Leaving Mitch to place his head in his hands and groan . 

'That I could see you throw your jacket on the floor

I could see you make me want you even more

What would you do, baby, if you only knew?'

Cherrie felt her heart squeeze in her chest , a girly giggle falling from her lips as she watched Auston throw his jacket into the floor. Covering a giant puddle beneath her door as she slid out of his car , her expensive heels not getting ruined by the muddy water as she stepped onto his jacket instead.

Then she squealed as he suddenly lifted her up, leaving his jacket on the floor as he ran across the driveway to his front door. Carrying her in his arms like a bride , laughing loudly as the rain soaked the both of them.

And Cherrie felt herself fall for him even more as he looked down at her, pushing her wet curls from her face before he leant down the rest of the way to kiss her . Shutting the door behind them with his foot before gently lowering her feet to the floor again.

The joy was clear on his face and Cherrie wondered if those were rain drops or tears in his eyes , then he sniffled and she knew.

"Is it over? Really over?" Hope filled his voice.

Having begged and pleaded for her to leave her boyfriend for months now. But the final straw had been when they returned home from Greece, watching him greet her with a kiss, watching her go back to being with him as though Auston hadn't pictured getting down an one knee at that beach. Surrounded by pretty shells and her even prettier smile.

So he had told her that he wasn't going to do this anymore. That she had to decide what she truly wanted.

It hasn't even been a day. Then she was calling him up asking him to pick her up from the party. No boyfriend to be seen.

She sighed heavily , feeling guilty for the weight that was lifted from

her shoulders as she hugged Auston close to her. Cupping his face in her hands as she smiled up at him "I see you Auston." She told him softly "just you. And you're the only thing I want to see now."

He kissed her. And he knew . That She had chosen him.

As his phone started buzzing with furious texts and concerned messages , all from their friends and his best friend . He turned off his phone because none of it mattered anymore , no one mattered now that he had her. In his arms .

No more rushed kisses. No more hiding away.

"I love you." He whispered.

She smiled.

'I could see you in your suit and your necktie

Passed me a note saying, "Meet me tonight"

Six months later.

Cherrie was biting down on her bottom lip to try and contain her smile as she looked down at the note that he had slipped her, letting out a small confused giggle.

It was her birthday and they were surrounded by all their friends , and she was back in a pretty white dress that her friends had forced her into. With flowers in her hair and a smile permanently plastered to her lips as she looked up at the man she loved in amusement  .

Meet me at midnight . The note read.

She laughed softly.

"You know that we don't have to sneak around anymore right?" She reminded him quietly , laying a hand at the back of his head to lay a soft kiss on his jaw. Running her fingers through his hair as she did so.

Auston just smirked a little , shrugging his shoulders as he handed her a champagne glass. It was eleven , and he met Mitch's eye across her shoulder for a moment. His friend tapping his watch, wiggling his eyebrows at him excitedly .

Auston flushed and looked aaay, then back down to Cherrie instead. A much better view .

"I know. But you're still gonna come running to the gardens with me right?" He teased her quietly . Hands lingering on her waist.

Referring to the gardens at the back of his home, where they had first met and then continued secretly meeting for months . It was their spot now. Something that began as shameful turned so beautiful .

It was his favourite place for them to be together, just the two of them. Like it always should have been.

She laughed lightly, smirking too as he leant down to kiss her softly.

"I'll see you at midnight." She promised . Thinking that it would be another night of acting like hormonal teenagers in their gardens , kissing by the roses.

Instead. As midnight came by. She pushed through the archway to the gardens and paused  as she heard soft music playing , freezing by the wall of roses as she looked out at the scene currently  playing out in front of her.

Swallowing down the lump in her throat as she made eye contact with a grinning Auston, all dressed up  in a suit and a neck tie. Coming towards her with tears in his eyes, her heart racing as she looked behind him.

Saw all their closest friends giggling and smiling as they watched them, gathered on either side of a makeshift isle . There were her favourite flowers scattered everywhere, and she looked down at her pretty white dress and the small roses in her hair and suddenly it all made sense.

"Oh my god Auston." She almost cried to him in a whisper as he finally reached her.

Hand cupping her mouth shakily as he looked at her with watery eyes. Letting out a shaky laugh too.

Taking ahold of her hand gently , he blew out a long, nervous breath.

"You can totally say no by the way!" He started by saying. Making her laugh shakily , looking up at him in both disbelief and amusement .

Because this was such a Auston move. He hadn't  even proposed yet here he was, ready to marry her in their garden at midnight.

"I'm totally not going to." She murmured to him with a tearful smile. Assuring him. Giving him her shaky hand and watching in disbelief as he carefully slid a diamond ring onto it.

"Yeah? You're gonna let me be your husband?" He whispered. Wide eyed and hopeful. Heart pounding in his chest. Because this was all he had dreamed of.

Cherrie let our a tearful giggle, nodding her head over and over again before she pulled him into a soft kiss.

So in love that she might stop breathing.

"I'm gonna be your wife." She shook her head in amazement "we're terrible people." She then said.

Auston just shrugged as he slowly led her over to the isle , "then we'll be terrible people Together. For the rest of our lives." He replied. Grinning down at her like a lovesick idiot .

"I can't believe you saw me." Be breathed out.

"Oh I saw you then and I see you now." She laughed. Squeezing his hand three times. The stars intertwining their name .

"I love you." She said.

"And you know that I love you. You're the one."

Oh, I see you, I see you, baby

I see you!

[beanghostprincess]

Omg you like SatoSugu and Soukoku too? I’ve GOTTA hear your thoughts on them

If I start talking about my relationship with these two ships I might actually end up sobbing while I write this- But basically, both Soukoku and Satosugu are really important to me because the whole dynamic of "best friends to enemies who still have feelings for each other" reminds me of something that happened to me with my former best friend. Which is, uh, not pleasant to talk about but we had a very nasty break up and I think it's a very common experience. Somebody said something once (in my post about Shuggy making more sense if they were girls) about these ships always resembling friendships between sapphics that don't know they're sapphics yet, which changed my whole view on these three ships completely because oh lord, that person was so damn right. Because it's the possessiveness of it all, you know? Like- Being close to your best friend, so much it hurts to see them with other people and so much it's frightening to think about a world without them. You have so many feelings about this person that you can't quite place and you can't put a name to, but it's more than a friendship and it's not romantic love either. And it makes more sense being a closeted sapphic because you don't accept it might probably be love until the friendship ends in a very nasty and toxic way and then you keep resenting that person forever.

I am kind of traumadumping here, lmfao, but basically I really like these three ships because they treat this dynamic in very different ways and I am a sucker for them. The angst is immaculate and I'll never get tired of them.

I like Soukoku for a lot of reasons, BSD being my favorite manga of all time and everything. Dazai meets Chuuya when he doesn't have any reason to live but keeps working for the mafia nevertheless because Chuuya is interesting enough to keep being alive. Because perhaps that's what Dazai has been looking for. And Chuuya, well- He has mixed feelings for Dazai but his loyalty is unmatched and that's both his best and worst trait (we see that constantly, poor boy). Dazai is still, after everything, his partner. They need each other, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. They're basically canonically soulmates, at this point, and you don't even need to ship them to acknowledge it because it's just that obvious. Chuuya is the only one able to keep Dazai wanting to live and Dazai is quite literally the only one with the ability to stop Chuuya from losing control. They really are made for each other. It makes me go completely insane. The whole thing about Chuuya not being a human but being the most human and empathetic person of the mafia, and Dazai saying he isn't worthy of being called human but being physically one? That's just insane. And I could talk for hours about them and write a deeper analysis of their relationship, but I'd never finish this post, then.

Then, Satosugu. They make me equally insane. They were best friends. They were so damn close. And Gojo loved him so much that he couldn't stop Geto when he turned his back on him and walked away to become what he is now. It's just so heartbreaking, losing someone like that and all of a sudden. We see Geto losing himself over the years and falling into desperation and emptiness and Gojo not noticing until it's just too late to do anything. That's Gojo's weak spot. He's the most powerful sorcerer and dude can't fight his ex best friend because "there's no curse more twisted than love". That fucked me up completely, honestly. Gojo is such a complex character, growing up so quickly and with so many expectations, not being able to enjoy his teenage years either because they stole them from him like this. And Geto ending up all alone too, turning into just a vessel of vengeance. Like- Shit is too deep to explain it in just a tumblr post, but they make me go insane.

And Shuggy is basically the same thing but at least these two have the chance to make up and reunite at some point. Shuggy is the one that feels more realistic to me, honestly, because it genuinely feels only like a normal falling out between best friends (that definitely were something more) rather than this complicated poetic mix of metaphors and poems. These two were just kids when all of this happened, too, it makes me so ill. But I have a whole post talking about Shuggy too, so I don't think I need to explain why I like them.

TL;DR: These ships are definitely for the sapphics who had THAT best friend and had very strong feelings toward them but didn't know why, and years after a very nasty break up that still haunts them to this day they realized it was a bit more than just a friendship.

[ohbo-ohno]

(Do you mind if I take the 🐁 emoji?)

I’m super fascinated by your dog fighter Soap AU!! What kind of dog would Soap be, do you think? Would he be something unexpectedly pedigree, like a Belgian Malinois, sleek and vicious? Or would he be something misunderstood, but pretty, like a rednose pitbull with shocking amber eyes? Or would he be something more ambiguous, a literal mutt?

Would Ghost be pulled in by the sharp intelligence he sees in Soap’s eyes, or would he be more fixed his muscle? Is Ghost a prong collar, shock collar, or regular collar kind of guy?

And how would Ghost coax him into his human (or semi-human form)? Does Soap require fear to make him shift out of desperation, or is gentleness, something he was denied all his life, enough to melt him into it like butter? How would Ghost reward somebody that he only wants to keep semi-human—food treats? Touch? Extra blankets in his crate?

Sorry for the million questions, I just think the idea is really cool!

-🐁

ohhh rat my beloved

with the exception of my husky soap fic, i almost always think of literal dog johnny as a belgian malinois. tbh you'll never ever convince me that there's a better dog breed for him, i just won't hear it. BUT i could see dog fighter soap being a mix of some sort (if only so i can call him a mutt, but also to make him somehow even stronger than regular malinois)

but i like the image of malinois dog fighter soap, specifically because i can See a scene of ghost finally getting soap cleaned up and really seeing what a stunning creature he is. he'd been nothing more than matted fur and dried blood before, he looks completely different after a good bath. would be a good point to have ghost start really Seeing soap

ghost uses shock collars outside, prong collars inside, and a regular collar at bed time <3 the shock collar so he can have johnny down and out at the first sign of running away/aggressiveness, prong collar so he can work on training with quick little tugs, and regular collars to give johnny time to breathe and keep him from slipping back into the feral headspace

so i was thinking that at the dog fighting ring johnny was probably forced to wear some sort of special collar that didn't let him shift back (which is maybe how ghost realizes he's actually a hybrid before anyone else). i think ghost would realize the extent of his feral-ness when he finally manages to get the collar off and johnny still doesn't shift back into his human form

johnny would shift back to being human once he realized ghost wasn't going to hurt him - or at least, wasn't going to hurt him in the same way. he's not much more sane on two legs, but he makes that step when he stops feeling so unsure of ghost. (ends up not being a great choice on his part, because it's that moment that ghost decides he'll be keeping the pup all for himself)

i think you nailed the rewards question! when soap is human (and allowed to be human), ghost never really wants him to forget that he's still an animal. he doesn't sit on the furniture, he doesn't eat with utensils, that kind of stuff. likewise all rewards are through the same lens. treats are shaped like dog bones (he'll buy cookiecutters in dog bones shapes and make regular cookies that way, the freak), praise is "good boy" or "good pup", and physical affection is always petting instead of hugging or smth like that

i looove writing stalker/insta-love stuff, but my biggest problem is always justifying the insta-love. there's got to be something to hook the characters together, even if it's as loose as "they got a feeling" (like in dlmliyh lmfao). so i'm not really sure what would end up drawing ghost to soap in that obsessive way.

maybe he invites someone over while soap is in dog form and soap gets insanely protective, about tears his guest's head off, and ghost realizes what kind of strength and loyalty he's got just waiting for him.

thank you SO much for the questions!!! i love when people want to know more about my stupid ideas <3

[that-gay-jedi]

Fics I'd want to write but already have too many WIPs to even contemplate adding more to the fucking folder (posting concepts in the hopes they stop haunting me from underneath the floorboards), mostly crossovers:

Fix-it that's just Jedi reading children's books to smol Anakin. It starts when some kind and wise soul lends Obi-Wan The Snow Cat to help him and Anakin talk about grief in the wake of Qui-Gon's death. They help him explore his relationship to prophecy/destiny via The Paper Bag Princess. Room on the Broom to challenge win-lose thinking. Etc. As an adult, he asks Obi-Wan to reread The Velveteen Rabbit with him if he ever gets self-conscious after losing his arm and then we all cry.

Anakin gets therapy but it's inspired by Poe's The Premature Burial, like, they carefully and repeatedly and with plenty of emotional support etc expose him to a simulated reality in which he experiences losing everyone he loves but structured in such a way as to reduce the fear of it rather than make it more frightening, and Anakin thinks his prophecy nightmares of Obi-Wan dying are just (a very ineffective and unpleasant) part of the therapy until he complains and somebody on his care team goes "Wait, what?" which leads to Sidious getting discovered.

The Happy Man's Shirt but make it Vaderwan. Emperor Vader just wants to keep Luke from dying of melancholy, but now he's reluctantly learned a life lesson from a shirtless Obi-Wan and it's making him rethink this whole Sith Empire thing. I'm insane and there's something wrong with me.

Crossover with Were The World Mine (movie). Same age AU with Anakin as Timothy and Obi-Wan in a similar ish role to Jonathan (yes I know Obi-Wan isn't a jock but hear me out), Ahsoka as Frankie and Rex as Max, utter fucking chaos, what Timothy does with the flower is already such an Anakin move tbh

Shakespeare's Tempest but make it Vaderwan, with Vader turning away from the dark side being like Prospero breaking his staff. All about Letting Go(tm). Darth Vader redemption but with so much Force philosophy you'll want to stuff a sock in my mouth.

Crossover w/ The Last Unicorn. Sidious or Dooku as King Haggard, Anakin and Obi-Wan as Molly Grue and Schmendrick or alternatively as Amalthea & Prince Lir, Maul as the Red Bull, honestly *slaps roof* this baby can fit so many reinterpretations/explorations of all our favourite themes in it

Crossover with Celia S. Friedman's Coldfire Trilogy (When True Night Falls, Black Sun Rising, and Crown of Shadows). Listen, are you someone who ever thought it's hypocritical of Christians not to pray for/forgive/empathize with the Devil? Would you go nuts if a fantasy-brand priest homoerotically did exactly that? Okay now what if Anakin was the fantasy-brand Devil (eldritch af) and Obi-Wan risked his own beliefs/moral purity/etc for him, and they were magically connected and intextricably linked, all while the rough equivalent of the Force on their planet was trying to kill them and/or trying to communicate with them (it's complicated)?

Sailor Moon but make it obikin, because we all want to see the horror of Artoo doing Luna's job lmfao.

Crossover with Steph Swainston's Fourlands series (The Year of Our War, No Present Like Time, The Modern World etc). This one would have everything. Obikin with anidala parallels, Anakin making morally objectionable choices, horrifying combat scenes, Star Wars galactic politics meets the weirdest worldbuilding you've ever seen, blasphemy and sacrilege, needless theatrics in the midst of apocalyptic threats, wingfic tropes, idek how else to describe it but we are so missing out.

I'm sure more of these are gonna come smack me upside the head at some point but luckily for all of us I'm only haunted by things I read/watched 5+ years ago and eventually we'll run out of those.

[bellewintersroe]

Ronald Speirs x reader

Part 3! This should be better than the last part and less of a filler chapter?! I hope anyway.

Anyway, surprise surprise, sorry not sorry, this is smutty asf. Idk what’s wrong with me atm but whatever, I just need to write this whilst I can!!

Tw - 18+, sexual references, sex unprotected AGAIN lmfao, whatever, dirty talk, let’s just see what I end up writing.

Jenny keeps dreaming about Ron, now there’s no distractions with war, she finds the tension between the two of them too much and some how they end up in an office together… talks about fraternising ensue between the pair.

“You’re so good… so fucking good at that.” Ron whined, bucking his hips further up into my own. I was riding him, my hand pressed to his chest as his head dropped back, overwhelmed by the pleasure he was experiencing. He was beautiful, so overwhelmingly perfect, and he just oozed sex appeal.

“Keep riding me like that.” A soft spank was left on my ass cheek, my hips quickening their assault and my knees ached for release. “That’s it… cum for me Jenny, cum all over me.”

“Oh, fuck, I’m gonna c-“ gasping, my eyes burst open, scanning around the room wildly. My heart was thumping against my ribcage and my momentary confusion was soon dissolved when I remembered where I was and what had just happened.

A stupid dream, another one. About Ron as well, god, these stupid wet dreams had to stop, what was I, a 14 year old boy?? Glancing around my own room, I was grateful I had my own space, able to not disturb any of the other girls from their slumbers.

As I slumped back down into the bed sheets, I couldn’t help but feel the aching of my core between my legs, sighing, I crossed my legs and attempted to ignore the sensation. I was becoming obsessed with the idea of being around Speirs, I hated it, another few days had passed and I just couldn’t clear my mind of all the nasty thoughts I had about my commanding officer. We could be dishonourably discharged, punished, locked up- even though the war was drawing to an end, the methods of punishment were still severe. My hand didn’t slip anywhere near my underwear this time, I just couldn’t give in to the thought of ruining mine and somebody else’s life. It was easier for me to think that when I wasn’t around him, when he was there, I felt compelled towards him. Fuck.

The following day, I’d spent my day off in the confinements of my bedroom. I’d had a relaxed morning, desperate to avoid the exact same guy I was also desperate to see again. The only time I’d ventured out was to go on a gentle stroll around the lake to meet Betty who would be waiting for me somewhere around the waters edge. It was tranquil, peaceful, I enjoyed myself. That was until I’d bumped into a group of men from a company I didn’t realise. They’d been drinking, and for the most part the majority just smiled and walked past me, but two guys towards the back of the group began nudging one another, sneering towards me. I knew better than to react, so I continued walking past them, praying nothing else would be said until they decided to steer directions and walk up at either side of me. “Hey, pretty, what’s such a nice dame like you doin’ walking all alone?” “I’m meeting somebody.” I politely responded, forcing a smile as I continued my quick pace to my destination. “Oh yeah, who? Your boyfriend?” The other one responded as I simply forced an awkward laugh. “Shut up, Frank, she’s obviously not taken if she’s walkin’ around here alone.” “Uh- I actually am.” I lied, crossing my arms over my chest defensively as I waited for my answer to get rid of them. “Oh, really? What’s his name?” “Where is he?” I winced at their questions, ignoring them again and continuing to walk forwards. I was growing increasingly uncomfortable with the interaction, especially with both of them being on either side of me. “You don’t speak very much do you?” The one I assumed was called ‘Frank’ questioned, almost stepping in front of me so I had to step around him. That’s where things got weird. Just as I stepped around this ‘Frank’, the other guy stepped straight up behind me, seeming to find it appropriate to place a hand on my lower hip. “Get off me!” I snapped, brushing his hand off and yelping in surprise as I turned around to face the two of them. “Hey!” A third voice erupted, bellowing from across the dusty track. As I turned over, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. The moment couldn’t have been any more awkward than if it tried, but of course Speirs had witnessed the whole thing. “Oh great, who is that? Your boyfriend?” The first man leered as I watched Ron practically push straight past the second guy, snatching the other man’s arm. “Touch her again and I’ll break your fuckin’ arm. Both of you what’s your name and company? You’ve got nothing better to do than harass women, huh?” Woah. Even I was intimidated by Ron’s act of dominance. The men learnt the hard way not to mess with me again- or Captain Ronald Speirs. I’d never seen him in such a bad, bad mood and I didn’t know where to look when he and the two men’s commanding officer were practically telling them off like school children. As if the exchange couldn’t get anymore awkward, the men were fully escorted away to be dealt with, both their heads hung sheepishly low. Their commanding officer apologised to me once again before following the disgraced pair with a harsh stomp in his step. “You ok?” I was squinting watching the pair being practically arrested, my face only relaxing when I looked back over to Speirs. He was calm now, he wasn’t all pissed off and protective, even though I found that charming that he’d stand up for me, the way he was so soft now made me feel something deep within my chest. Something other than lust, oh no-

“I’m ok… thank you sir, I should go and find my friend.” “Where are you walking to? I’ll walk with you.” He swallowed as I averted my gaze from his. “To wherever my friend is, sir, Betty’s waiting for me somewhere.” “You don’t have to call me that, you know.” He muttered, beginning to walk besides me as I looked back up to him curiously. “Call you what?” I slowly asked, looking over his jawline that had a slight layer of stubble growing on. The afternoon sun was creating an orange glow across his profile, and I began to find myself admiring him in the most stupidest of moments.

“Just call me Ron.” He gently told me, kicking the dusty dirt below him. His words made me smile, the softness of them surprised me, before I then, of course, panicked that we were suddenly having a one on one conversation. “Okay… S- Ron.” I let out a soft breath of laughter at how normal it felt coming from my mouth. I’d only really called him that once before, and that’s when we slept together in the Eagles Nest. “I’ll have to get used to that.” I admitted. “I think I see your friend.” Ron then responded as I glimpsed up to see Betty waving me over. “Oh, yeah. Thank you for standing up for me earlier, I appreciate it.” Ron’s lips twitched half up as his eyes remained fixated on my own. “You let me know if anybody bothers you again.” Nodding, there was something a lot more innocent about the exchange compared to all the others we had. It felt pure, and it filled me with a sense of warmth. “Thank you, sir.” I quickly spoke, walking backwards, get still facing him. “Ron!” I corrected, before scurrying off to where my friend was.

* ”Then fourteen hundred you can report back to me that it all went smoothly in there.” Winters explained to me as we walked side by side towards battalion headquarters. Winters was busying everybody up, giving them ways to escape the war, whilst half of us nurses had been treat unfairly, he’d managed to get me out of a night shift by going down to a children’s hospital for the morning and visiting there. “Perfect, thank you so much, sir, I appreciate it.” I turned up to the red headed man with a smile on my face. “Good, you’ll be good help in there. It seems slightly more… alive than the night shift does.” “You’ve got a good point there.” I chuckled, entering the building to where a few of the other nurses were gathered around with our superiors. The majority of us had been fixed up with a good reasoning to get us off this unfair treatment, Winters wouldn’t have us being used unfairly.

The only space there was, was besides Captain Speirs at the back, as I walked over I smiled gently, swallowing the lump in my throat at the sight of him. I figured it would be substantially less awkward considering our interaction earlier, I hoped so anyway. Throughout the whole meeting I was only half listening, Ron’s arm would brush up against mine every now and then, and out of the corner of my eye I could see he was so close. If I stepped just the slightest bit closer, we’d be touching, to an outsider it looked normal, but to us it felt like there was something else completely different happening. Maybe that’s what he wanted, to play some kind of game, like cat and mouse. It was dangerous, so risky in a room full of all these people, but I liked the thrill of it. It felt like my breathing was uneasy, I swear he could tell, with one small glance to the side he’d be able to watch over my every movement.

Fidgeting, I moved my hand behind me, to rest on the table, but my fingers had brushed over his warm ones, and if I wasn’t crazy I swear I felt the nudge of his hand against my own. I remained completely still after that, feeling like a prey in that room under a predators beady eyes. Captain Speirs was so close to me, there was barely any room for small movements without grazing over one another. Worst of all, I wanted him to touch me- I wanted to touch him. After all the dreams I’d had about him…

There was a short film to be played, about the army nurses going into Japan. Exactly not what I wanted to think about, the impending threat of war not being over in the pacific somehow seemed even more daunting than everything we’d gone through in Europe. I switched my mind elsewhere, Ron. Avoiding listening to such statements such as ‘suicidal enemy’, I instead glanced down to the darkness that surrounded us in that small room. If he or I were to touch one another, nobody would know. He could probably slip a hand right up my dress and it would all be concealed by the darkness of the room. Sighing, I purposefully inched my hands ever so closer to him. Whilst I didn’t think he noticed, he did rest one hand on the table, the side closest to me. Stopping my movements, I glanced down to my left, making it a little obvious what I was doing. He must’ve noticed, copying my actions and gazing down to where my hand lingered before back up to the short film once again. For a moment, I thought he didn’t like it, so just as I went to retrieve my hand I was shocked when a simple finger ran over mine. A smile grew on my face, it was good it was dark in there because the footage was nothing to be smiling about. I felt his finger tip dance over the skin of my fingers, then my hand, before daring to reach behind me and stop at the tables edge. The small action drove me crazy, I think Ron knew it as well. When the lights were back on both of us acted like nothing had happened, despite the fact I was still breathing in manual mode, I semi ignored him, not knowing what to take from that situation.

Later that afternoon I was doing a few physical exams of the men for their records. I didn’t mind them, they passed time and I usually just got to spend time with the men I’d grew close friends with. It was 7pm, however before I’d got to the last man. “See you later, Alton, can you send in the next guy?” “Sure, I’ll catch you in a bit.” He winked, leaving the room as I ticked off a few more things on the paper before hearing the door shut quickly. “Oh, Captain Speirs, sir.” Scraping back my chair, I moved to stand at attention. “It’s fine.” He was quick to settle the formalities, handing me his papers over. “You’re here for a physical?” I asked dumbfounded as his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “Yes.” He responded, looking at me like I had two heads. What else would he be hear for? Stupid, stupid.

“Oh, yeah, of course.” I shook out of my awkwardness, glancing down to the papers on the table. “So you passed your physical exam by miles… you feeling okay in general?” My eyes widened seeing his physical scores. He was one of the top men, fastest, strongest- no wonder he was now the commanding officer. Ron nodded with a slight pout. “Okay, good.” I pushed the papers to one side, grabbing the stethoscope from the side. “I’m gonna just listen to you heart and breathing, take some blood and then I’ll start examining, come sit over here.” I nodded as he awkwardly took a seat in front of me. I smiled gently, moving over and pressing the stethoscope on his skin, under a loose gap in his shirt. Everything was fine, heart, lungs, but what I felt more awkward about was telling him to strip. “Um, if you just go behind the curtain and undress for me, same as always.” I avoided all eye contact, pretending to busy myself with a pen that I couldn’t find a home for. When I glanced up I noticed Ron attempting to undo his shirt right in front of me, my eyes widened. “Oh no, sir, you gotta go behind the curtain.” My hand landed on his as our eyes met for a brief few seconds. “Oh, okay.”

Within moments Ron was undressed and I was a blushing mess, of course he had his underwear on, but seeing him like this when we weren’t in a sexual situation made me al flustered. “You can come sit back down.” I watched as he sat back in front of me and I began examining, feeling his glands for any sign of bother, there was nothing.

“How much of this are you gonna do?” Ron then cleared his throat as I looked back up, my hand still rested on his chest. “How do you mean?” “As in… what else do you have to examine.” “oh, nothing private.” I sheepishly spoke. “That’s a man’s job, not mine.” An awkward giggle escaped my lips as I pressed over his chest, feeling for any abnormalities. I’d moved in closer, our knees knocking slightly, as I shuffled in my hair hearing him exhale gently. “You got any more after me?” Ron then questioned, my eyes lifting to really recognise how close we were. “No, you’re my last of the day.” My voice came out, barely a whisper as he nodded, a half smile growing on his face. Bashfully, I fluttered my eyes away, my heart rate taking off at a million miles per hour. Once everything was checked, sight, hearing, breathing- Ron was fine, but I however was left completely flustered, a literal mess, I was overheating as well. “You’re all done, everything’s fine.” My hand ran off his shoulder, standing back up from my chair, to push it back to where I got it from. “It is?” Ron spoke as I nodded. “Perfect, yeah. No surprise you got some of the top scores for your fitness earlier.” Ron sheepishly shrugged it off as I picked on the wooden table nervously as he stood up once again in front of me. “Don’t do that.” He winced, a hand covering mine. My gaze directed straight up to his, head tilting back to fully catch sight of him.

“Sorry.” My voice came out weak, like a whisper. “You said I was your last check up, right?” His voice lowered as I nodded, anticipating where this was going. His hand was still on mine, and we’d began to close the gap between us. “Yeah, last of the day. I got more tomorrow.” I averted my gaze one again, seeing him nod from the corner of my eye as his hand slipped off mine. Without thinking, I chased after it, my hand resting back in his again. “Ron, wait.” I stepped closer, borderline freaking out when I realised what I’d just done. Ron’s brows furrowed slightly, his free hand coming up to caress into my hair and over the side of my neck.

“You should go relax tonight.” He muttered, tracing his fingers across the sensitivity of my scalp. “I’m fine.” I sighed into his touch, hearing him hum out before moving closer to fully end the gap between us. Ron kissed me once sweetly, and again, before I felt myself practically dive on him. Shit, I couldn’t help it, I couldn’t get enough of him.

My fingers dug into the bare skin of his back, deepening the kiss as I couldn’t decide whether to yank on his underwear or his body to get even closer to me. The close proximity all day had ruined me, I was already aching desperately over him, and it was so wrong, in a physical exam with one of my superiors. But shit, I couldn’t help it. When my hands fell to his underwear, pushing on the band, he borderline pushed me back onto the desk, body toppling onto mine whilst pushing up my skirt. “I need you.” I admitted. “I just need you to fuck me.” The words came out bolder than what I expected. His fingers snapped at my underwear, stretching them down as he kicked at his fingers, lubricating my aching pussy before I pulled him by the ass into me. From the lack of foreplay I was still a little tight, but god I needed more of him, the second he entered me I let out a relieved sigh, feeling his arms wrap around my body to pull me close. His thrusts began, quick and harsh, filling me up in the way I’d needed. The sexual tension between us couldn’t be contained, and it always came to this in the most sneakiest of times. “Fuck me, sir.” I sighed out, keeping my voice on the low seeing as there was most likely people outside the door. Ron huffed with each thrust as he fucked into me, making the the table jump and move with each pump. He took a few harsh, slow thrusts, before giving it to me exactly how I wanted. One of his hands guided down to my clit, rubbing fast circles over my core as I covered my mouth with one hand.

Ron, knocked this hand away with his chin, attaching his lips onto mine as he groaned into the kiss causing me to scratch at his back harshly. “Please, please- like that, I’ve needed you so bad.” I admitted as he panted out, quickening his pace as he was encouraged by my words.

“Can’t stop thinking about you- about this.” He whispered back, grinding his hips right up to mine now as I let out a yelp maybe a little too loud. His words went straight to my chest, a warm swell filled me up and it caused me to scratch at his back more, Ron letting out a growl at the sensation.

It wasn’t long before I came crashing over the edge, babbling away as Ron moaned into my ear. “Cum all over me, fuck, that’s it.” He growled, biting down on my shoulder as his movements became choppy and strained. “Fuck.” “Cum for me, sir, fuck, I want it so bad.” With one last whimper from me, Ron pulled out and unloaded his seed onto my thighs, his high following mine shortly after as we both laid there breathing heavily. He was collapsed onto me, his cum rubbing up all over us uncomfortably. Grimacing, I glanced down as he followed my eyes. “Oh.” With that he was yanking tissues out of the box, wiping me clean before he did himself. I sat up on the table, still coming down from my high as Ron turned back to me, reaching forwards to do up my buttons. “So, is this becoming a regular thing now?” He practically smirked as my eyebrows raised. “I don’t know is it?” I straight up asked.

“Well… seems like it.” He muttered as he pulled his underwear back up, my eyes averting from his still evidently hard bulge. The white briefs didn’t do much to conceal anything, let alone something that bi- “shouldn’t we be more… careful?” “what d’ya mean?” He dumbly asked as I snatched my underwear back off the floor, pulling them back up. “I mean… you know, careful. If somebody finds out we’re both done for.” Ron watched me speaking with an unreadable expression. “You’re my commanding officer, I mean.” I mumbled out, shrugging with an awkward kinda chuckle leaving my lips.

Ron cleared his throat and moved around to retrieve his uniform that was discarded on the patient bed. “Yeah, suppose so.” Suppose so? How was he acting so nonchalant about this? His laid back attitude confused me, I’d expected him to be slightly more uptight, concerned, or maybe that was just me deflecting my emotions on him. “We should, I mean.” Ron corrected as I nodded, nudging down my dress to flatten any creases. Once dressed, Ron inhaled sharply like he was about to announce something important, but it fell flat. “Hm?” I frowned, not knowing how to fill the awkward silence. “I’ll see you… on patrol, tomorrow.” He too seemed a little awkward. After the intensity of our love making, our mundane conversations felt weird and unfitting. “Oh, I’m not going. I’m in the hospital tomorrow morning, so… I won’t be there…”

“Really? Forget what I said then.” He shook his head, fastening the last of his buttons on his uniform. He looked so handsome stood there, all tall and brooding, if it wasn’t so goddamn awkward then I would’ve been overjoyed. “I’ll see you later then, sir.” I smiled softly, fixing all the crumpled papers on my desk which we had messed up previously. “See you.” With one last nod of a goodbye, he’d left the room. A good 10 seconds later I’d noticed he’d left his god damn tie. Fuck. I contemplated running up after him, but then I didn’t want to seem desperate if I did so. Maybe he’d come back for it? Or maybe not, it had been too long of me sat there contemplating for him to have remembered. I was overthinking to the next level, so I simply left the tie there on my desk, gathered all my papers and left the office which I probably could never look at the same again. I was in trouble, big trouble- with myself.

————————————————————————

Here is the link to the chapter before: https://www.tumblr.com/bellewintersroe/714888831358451712/ron-speirs-x-fem-reader?source=share

[jrueships]

taking lil notes on the sauce getting a tat stream.... will be reblogging with more bcs this video is fucking long as shit plus with me always pausing to write whatever nonsense i find funny? yea, idk if ill be able to get thru this all lmao 😭 but yea this will just be lil blurbs rewritten n commented on as i watch on one device and take notes on another like a lil movie major or smthin LMAO. To shorten typing time, Sauce will be SG and tat man will just be K as his real name is Kyle. ok? ok

SG, impatient & cocky, trying to show out 4 the stream like a little loser: ay cmon bruh im ready 😤!!🤘🏿 *goes to lay down on the jets styled?? tatting bed??? idk what that is i don't get tats.. i just know they probably fucked on it cus sauce winced when he had to sit down LMAO. went from ay bruh im ready to EUAGH 😫!! Eh 😣😖!! in a millisecond LMFAO*

K: *checks himself out on camera for a split second*

K: *very polite to the stream's viewing. Apparently has never streamed or got an audience up close n personal during his tat sessions. Only shows the before and after photos so this is a new but very fun experience for him. aww, so cute <3 sauce getting him to try new things!!!! He's nervous about getting the best angles for us and he's always trying his best to please!! ( he's so service top it's Mad. it's MADDENIN!!! ) Sauce dramatic diva demanding hot n s*x fierce reporter mean fake bitch and his quiet polite and personable yet professionally firm, keeping sauce in line when he needs to fulltime cameraman part time bodyguard when the situation gets unexpectedly (or expectedly. Not everyone has Tat man's insanely loyal patience with sauce...) hostile WHEN??? Slowburn We're just workers/he's just my minion to ........... don't ask why we came out of the same bathroom at the same time STFU ?? HELLO??? TAT MAN!!!*

Chat: cook up kyle

Kyle: !! :] !! yea 😺!! im boutta cook 🥰 (HE KEEPS GETTING SO SWEETLY HYPED UP FROM SAUCES LIL AUDIENCE. IT'S SO CUTE LOL)

1:05 (around there idk none of these time stamps will be any accurate bcs i pause late after realizing smthin was funny then guestimate where it started so sorry :( ): sauce walking his big b00bies up in our face jumpscare :/ . To help Kyle zoom the camera per his chats demands. He lowkey high key very anxious and micromanaging abt kyle using his camera equipment lol. He just loves telling people what to do but also that shit is probably very expensive. But cmon sauce. Kyle the cameraman's got it!!! HE EVEN HAS THE PERFECT CAMERAMAN NAME LIKE?? Let him take care of you bbygirl ..😼

Sauce once again (a bit more gingerly this time) sits himself on his jets style seat thing and let's out a little cry of pain when his ass hits it??? sauce these bttm allegations are BEATING ur ASS lmao????

Kyle does what sauce was about to do for him and sauce kinda :/// >:( 😰😰😠. Sauce try to go five seconds without micromanaging challenge impossible. Complains about chat being able to see his facial expressions being too close up now and how he won't be able to fuck with Kyle no more cus of it cus they'll make shit is weird. Kyle simply responds ' That's love 🙂. '

Sauce goads the chat asking if he should end stream. Kyle at first thinks maybe he isn't cameramanning right and gets a little nervous/sad at disappointing sauce but quickly catches onto the strategy and joins in on the bait. The chat take it with a chorus of Nos. Girlboss sauce malewife Tat man media powercouple ftw?

2:58, K: wait turn ur head a lil bit? *Sauce looks at him* no, other way *sauce looks away, exposing neck to him and pre-ink*

K admires his work. Shows it off to the chat, tells them he's getting them right. Zooms in on sauce's neck

SOMEBODY SAID 'L NIPPLE' IN THE CHAT WHAT???? Chat language is so.... beautiful 😭

'Stop being a lil girl take the pain like a man'????? Yall sure this is twitch and not p*rnhub ??? tf?

Kyle zooms in. Chat: "glad to get the nipple off the page" HELP. my thoughts exactly

Kyle tries hiding sauces face with his zooms bcs he knows sauce was self conscious about his expressions lmao. Chat, instantly, and these are different people too. Everyone is a sadist here apparently. My kinda people 😼: 'WE NEED TO SEE HIS FACE FR' 'HIS FACE BRO WE NEED TO SEE HIS FACE' 'WE NEED TO SEE HIS FACE IF HE CRIES'

3:38 Sauce, reading the chat bcs if he doesn't have attention that he can feel for five seconds he explodes and dies: is my face in there ? <- literally just whined about not wanting his face seen bcs he'd get weird comments and ruin his very heterosexual very platonic relationship with tat man. But is now turning his whole tune around for some shred of people pleasing attention omg 🙄 poo fimbly 😑

K: nah they be clownin 😿.. *just wants to protect him*

Sauce agrees a bit then quickly changes subject to compliment himself.

Sauce notices camera needs shifting so he tries but Kyle's on it before he can. Sauce keeps trying anyways until eventually the needles settle him slougish

5:10 chat tells them to zoom out but sauce defends his cameraman: AINT NO ZOOM OUT 😾😾!! HE TRYNA GIVE YOU THE UPCLOSE LOOKS !!

Kyle zooms out anyways

Sauce whines about his nipple lol

Sg: yall weird af 😑 Yall tryna see my nipple or smthin 🤨? *incredulous look to camera*

K: FREE THE NIP!!!!! <- reading off chat, sadly

THE CHAT BULLIED HIM INTO HIDING HIS BOOBS LMAO. He got a blanket 😭 so now he's gonna be with another man... while under a blanket ? um. sauce I think this is pretty lose lose if u ask me .

Kyle wearing those black tattoo gloves gently touching sauces neck.... soft dom and not even trying to hide it 🤨?

Chat: stop moaning 😐

Sauce: my bad bruh 😔

Someone: get the tissues ready (????)

Sg: in da trenches 😼. in da trenches 😼

Someone in chat: sauce do u like when men fuck u? ( 🤔.. it's a fair ask 😳.)

Chat: the right side of my neck hurted the most (average sauce fan iq, im afraid )

Chat: SAUCE BABY START TWERKING

( now im just finding funny chat stuff cus all sauce doing rn is trying to not cry by randomly singing along to the music and kyle is working)

Chat trying to plot lies on kyle by spamming kyle messed up smthin so sauce can get worried lmao

9:40: around there, maybe a bit later, sauce starts groaning and cursing more

Chat: Sauce is it hard

Sauce asks how many people watching bcs u know he looooves an audience. Kyle doesn't know how to check so he has to stop and ask the chat

Kyle: Seven- ..... 776? 800? a thousand? man idk :(. yall play too much >:( yall play too damn much 🙄! ... i fuck with yall tho >:)

Chat trying to gaslight sauce into thinking Kyle's actually tatting a dick on his neck

I've been skipping or doing other stuff during some of the tatting. Sauce got up to try and figure out some twitch function? Mic suppression? idk. He lowkey stalling lol.

Kyle starts asking what the chat been saying around 31:40, curious.

Sauce and Kyle mumble to songs internmentedly lol

33:25 around there kyle raps to a song he rlly likes. Sauce adlibs it's cute

PAUSING THIS AT 35:10. We basically got an hour left in this jawn. YALL WE WATCHED ALOT IM PROUD!!!! OK im leaving this here for now, reblogging l a ter maybe even finishing it idk? I just need this shit sent cus im a lil nervous if it'll even load... this was a lotta work 😭 all for tatman and sauce interactions damn... ion even know this man's last name .. i need to go do strong people things now BYE see yall soon hopefully

[spyofthestorm]

@hawkinsp0st @paladin-n-cleric @anotherbylerstan you might wanna read this lmfao (based on this post by @octobergrae and this ask) (WARNING: my writing skills are mediocre, what you'll soon lay your eyes on is going to be anything but a masterpiece. also for context mike's still in hawkins for this one sorry theorists)

The last year has not been the year The Cali Crew's been expecting. First, a Russian exchange student named Mikhail Antonov arrived unexpectedly in Lenora Hills, California. He shared his story about his mother becoming indisposed. He was sent over to the Byers residence by his father but ever since then, he went MIA. Joyce willingly took him in, and the siblings were mostly indifferent. At least they had a new roommate for the time being.

He tried to fit in as well as he could, even if sometimes he wasn't as well-mannered as he should've been. Only when it came to Joyce Jane, and Jonathan. It's not as if he wasn't kind, mainly just uninterested. He spent his most of his free time with Will, Jane's and Jonathan's brother. He seemed different than the others. Not because he was seemingly the only young boy in the family, but because of his interests. It piqued Mikhail's own. Luckily, their personalities bounced off of each other successfully. A little too successfully.

Unfortunate events passed unfortunate events, there was bullying toward Jane that both of them felt the need to defend, but their legs were frozen. There was the Rink-O-Mania incident, which Mikhail and William watched firsthand in shock. Joyce and her odd friend Murray had to take a flight to Alaska, for a "conference". Mikhail had his suspicions but let go of them too quickly. Jane was arrested shortly after, and soon was taken in by a branch of the government by to help regain her powers. Everything had to be quickly explained to Mikhail in secret. There was a shootout performed at the Byers' home in which they narrowly escaped, and now the two of them were stuck in the back of a smelly pizza van trying to find El with Will's brother and his very high-as-a-kite friend.

Mikhail observed his surroundings. There was a random Domino's billboard Argyle was yelling at, Jonathan's determined but clearly tired face staring straight onto the road repeatedly asking his friend how far Nina was from Vegas, and Will's pensive face the floor was receiving. Maybe there was something wrong?

"Are you alright, Will?" Mikhail asked softly. He knew that Will usually responds to calm behavior. But it took him a while to register Mikhail's query.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm a little worried, though. It's just--" Will started to spiral on his worries. "Dr. Owens could be doing anything to her right now, and I wouldn't know. I've filled you in on all the supernatural things, we all had to. You're aware that he wasn't able to help me. El could be dying right now and I wouldn't even know it. She could be in danger. They could've lied to me. I keep telling myself that she's going to be ok, but what if this is just all for naught? And we're doing this for nothing?"

"You cannot just stop telling yourself that. She is going to be alright, I promise. And when all of this is over, we can go back to normal, American, fun spring break stuff with her. Well, normal at your level anyway." That got a chuckle out of Will. Is his speech working?

Will returned to his pensive state. That joke reminded him of somebody, but that wasn't important to him right now. He quickly turned to Mikhail. "Can I show you something?"

"Sure."

Will pulled out a long roll of paper, and hesitantly handed it over to Mikhail. He unfurled it slowly to reveal a painting. A desert landscape bathed in the orange and purple color of the sunset. The wispy clouds spelt "Dry as a California Summer". Mikhail took a small gulp in awe.

"This is beautiful. Did you paint this?" he asked with joy.

"Yeah. Well, there's no meaning to it. I just painted what came to mind." He sounded suspicious. Did he lie? He continued with a more nervous tone. "Dry as a California summer could mean anything. It could be literal or metaphorical. But you see how I used many colors here? It makes it anything but dry. It brings life to somebody's dried out being. Everybody has that person. Everybody needs that person to lean on. Because what will you have left if they're gone?"

His voice started to crack. "El means a lot to me, and I'd feel lost if I could never see her again. She's what brings the colors to my canvas when I slowly start to dry out. And she's stuck with me through thick and thin. But I'm also worried for her. Because she's not getting the care that she needs. Not from there. So if she were to come back home, that'd be fine with me." Tears escaped Will's eyes, much to his disappointment.

Mikhail understood. At least a little bit. But how was the painting allegedly based on El going missing and done all in the span of the time he had?

"I know she means a lot to you. We'll find her, alright?"

Mikhail clutches Will's hand and puts the painting by his side.

"We'll find her."

Will nodded to Mikhail's determination. Both of them felt a little flustered, since Mikhail's hand was locked with Will's for a little longer than it needed to be. Most of the rest of the trip was silent, in which both were afraid to break.

[tohokuu]

rant - mentions of death and suicide and blah blah blah

i feel like i only come on here to fucking rant lmfao

but hey ! at least it’s being put down somewhere and not shoved inside so then i can let it all out when things get too much and have a nervous breakdown LNFOAJF

i need therapy

like genuinely i need to get help !!

but help does not exist !

western therapy does not work on eastern minds ! and ykw- it’s fucking true. therapy doesn’t fucking work for some reason. that’s a beef reference

i just finished beef btw. great show. binge watched it and ignored all of my missing work… ahaha…

i miss when i was motivated my first semester of college and used to have the mentality.

“hey, if you get it all done now, you won’t have to feel guilty about procrastinating ! and then you’ll actually enjoy doing other fun things !” fuck.

so i lost 3 of my closest friends, so i’ve got nobody to text ya know ? but like we never really texted like that anyway but these were my go to friends yk ? the ones i always hung out with but they’re no longer here so now i’m lonely asf w nothing to do and i’m like …. heehee

just hanging there looking like a fucking L

like i’m a fucking loser LMFAO

i’m a loser

i bring nothing to the fucking table

i’m failing my classes bc i don’t understand anything anymore

i cant fucking write

idk how to fucking write

i don’t have friends

i’m fucking ugly

i actually serious hate everyone

my reputation is actually a lot worse than i had assumed btw ??? like … apparently there’s rumours abt me saying “she likes to ruin relationships for fun” and how “the things ppl hear abt me are unbelievable”

like is this fucking highschool ??? why are you focused on spreading rumors abt me instead of trying to fucking graduate college you stupid piece of fucking shit ???

and then this dickhead today i was talking to 😀 i tell this mf i need a job and ask if his place is hiring

he says “start an onlyfans” are you kidding. that’s so rude, inappropriate and disrespectful.

he knows i’m somebody that believes in God and i’m religious LMFAO ik i literally write porn on here for leisure but like … cmon 😀 seriously ? and this is a guy i barely know and ykw, everything in me was like “they’re all the same. they’re all the fucking same.”

and rn my sister just knocked on the bathroom door tryna fucking irritate me bc she can’t find my fucking gua sha like bitch you didn’t fucking ask to use it and no i don’t know where the fuck it is god leave me alone please

and then my mom keeps annoying me about coming down and grinding the chicken bc i was supposed to make dumplings today and freeze them but i’m fucking tired and it’s 10 pm and i’m not grinding chicken and then cooking it and making wontons. no. no. no. no.

i just want it to all stop. i just wanna breathe without my mind thinking a million fucking things at once. i feel like i can’t breathe without inhaling problems. i just wanna crawl into a fucking hole and fucking die. i literally want it all to stop. i don’t wanna actually die but i want to be happy please this week was shit. it was shit. i feel like shit. i just want it to stop. please.

[fatefuldoe]

I Have No Good Omens Blog But I Must Scream (About Good Omens)

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD

i think the end of ep 6 was fully in character and a great dramatic turn and exciting cliffhanger... even though i can’t help but feel somebody watched OFMD and saw the fan reactions and went “ooh, let’s do that too, the suffering will be delightful”

honestly i think my reaction to that part was so positive because it immediately confirmed to me that there HAS to be a season 3! although i am so mad that i’ll have to wait another 2+ years for it and i honestly wish i hadn’t binged so quickly. maybe i should just watch it over again? i’ve watched season 1 three times already...

although i was fairly certain neil wouldn’t let us down, i was still a bit worried up until it happened that they would chicken out of showing a kiss, or that it would be a comedic “accidental” sort of moment. i’m glad it happened! and it was such a GOOD kiss! but oh man... the reason it happened... and the aftermath...

usually when i ship a “bad guy x good guy” type pairing, i get mad when people woobify the “bad guy” and try to make him less bad--especially when i catch myself doing it! but crowley actually IS “good” when it counts and i actually really love that about him. the whole thing with job’s children (and the goats!! 😭♥) was so wonderful!

well except that bit with ty tennant that made me weirdly uncomfortable!! stop flirting with your dad’s bestie lmfao esp when you still look like a baby

loved that they let david go full scottish, though the laudanum scene felt a bit... tonally weird to me

is it just me or were there a lot of doctor who references this season? some were obvious but others were more subtle to the point that i’m not sure they were intentional

i assumed that nina was supposed to be a “reincarnation” of her previous character but based on what neil has said so far, i guess they just really liked the actress and wanted to keep her on? i kept waiting for some shoe to drop regarding her identity, though! can’t help but feel they should’ve addressed it somehow, even if just briefly

overall i wouldn’t say this season was better than 1 because some of the writing and the pacing felt a little off to me, but it was SO MUCH FUN and i’m thrilled we’re getting a third season, whether it’s filmed or audio

OH i almost forgot

so do we think jon hamm had a butt double or was that his real entire ass?

[rgr-pop]

ok first of all here is the pile of books next to my bed, which i’m avoiding coping with post semester

last book i bought: notwithstanding gifts or class, i think must have been the flint public library book sale? most of the library discards from this shelf, plus others:

since then i may have purchased my copy of deviations too, i don’t remember. i really desire to purchase some books! borrowed: i think probably sidney fine’s violence in the model city and heather thompson’s whose detroit? (near the top of my need to purchase for myself list). WAIT actually since then i checked out sexual personae because my coworker is having a phase (!) and i was like you know what why not lmfao. but i haven’t cracked it open yet. many books coming and going from the library, i’m sure you can imagine :). i rarely borrow books from others but i have borrowed matias’s george condo monograph for most of a year intending to reference it in something i swear someday i will write about matias’s paintings was gifted: lmao well uhhh i received in the mail several books from somebody down bad when i stopped talking to him :| including invitation to vernacular architecture, philip guston’s collected writings, and a 90s yiddish vocabulary zine... also recently was given andrew cornell’s unruly equality from [sweats] someone else i’m not currently talking to. some other gift highlights from the last year: greg burnett’s book on guston’s the studio from matias, my yiddish textbooks from sarah, and (still harping on this) the saddam hussein romance novel from ben (all people i am still talking to)

gave/lent someone: several items i’ve accumulated for a few of you reading this who i haven’t seen (surprises). got atulya war in an irish town for st patricks day on bri’s suggestion. we’re weeding at work so i keep bringing people books they didn’t ask for... tons of poetry and craft books to lucas, abbie hoffman stuff for matias, etc., every labor history that i don’t want myself, stack of like sicilian mafia and who knows what i need to mail to aria, etc... started: i suppose the only book i can recall starting that i intend to finish is black reconstruction, which i am reading, but i’m not going to book club, because i have “quit” lol

finished: i suppose gayle rubin’s deviations could go here or above because i read most of the whole thing this semester and intend to return to what i’ve skipped. the only whole entire book i read for class this semester was aaron lansky’s outwitting history. i believe i finished conversations with friends in the very beginning of january but no fiction since then--one or two novels would be a lot for me in a year. i’d be interested in trying to squeeze out her other two by the end of the summer, but i would maybe rather move onto another something scandalous or buzzy (or several-years-old buzz, maybe moshfegh? whatever it is it has to be easy lol) gave 5 stars: i have never in my life reviewed a book but the most recent book i have stanned and recommended is, again, deviations!

gave 2 stars: this semester i read maybe 20 articles and most of a book by m*chelle c*swell and wrote a paper about how she’s why we’re doomed. answer to this question is LIS scholars are a punishment from god

didn’t finish: going to throw clive barker’s inhuman condition and jean genet’s the thief’s journal here because i kept picking them up this semester but i cannot allow myself to “read.” also a bit of women in love. 

tagging @sister-emeritus​ @madmoths @milkshakemotel​ @bookbroken​

[quickhacked]

🌠🌹 for artyom and 🌾🌺 for sascha :]

AUAUGH THANK YOU SO MUCH i am going to try to be normal about them but no guarantees

🌠 on a scale of 1 - 10 how Baby is your oc? BONUS when asking this question rate the oc yourself as to see if the reply matches up!!

oz' rating >> 7/10 on the baby scale

artyom's own rating >> 2/10 on the baby scale ("i do not understand. i am 23 years old?")

my rating >> 7/10 on the baby scale >:)

artyom is very much baby tbh he's super sweet and caring and really just needs to be held most of the time, and he cries pretty often because he's not scared to show emotions <3 the reason he doesn't get the full 10/10 is because he is also still a slightly unhinged scientist who occasionally blows things up (either on purpose or on accident) and he can be pretty dangerous in a fight!! very dangerous actually!!! and he will do anything to keep his friends safe and let that be a warning

🌹 where in the world does your oc feel most at home? is there any reason why? if it’s not the place they were born, where were they born? is there a certain somebody that makes them feel at home where ever they may be? what does home mean to them?

artyom feels most at home when he's with sascha :) doesn't matter where they are, as long as they're together he is home because sascha IS his home. he also feels very safe with the rest of their party and would call them home as well, but sascha is still like above all of them lmfao mostly because they've known each other for SO long and artyom really wouldn't know what he would be without him <3

home to him means family, and family means the people he loves and who love him back. he doesn't need to have a house to stay in and is perfectly fine traveling around the world (prefers it actually! artyom loves to travel and he loves to see new places, for most his life he was just stuck in the zaghradian empire but with the party they travel through massari, scayrius and astria and he loves seeing all the different countries and their climates and their wildlife and their cultures etc etc)

🌾 describe your oc through the eyes of someone absolutely head-over-heels in love with them

ohoohohoho now this one is gonna be fun >:) let me try to write it from artyom's perspective here we go!!!!

"sascha? well- he is sitting right there, you can just look at him, yes?" [homosexual pause] "well, okay, then. sascha is my best friend, and my partner. he is very patient and kind and he is a very good listener, which is nice because i talk a lot- maybe too much sometimes. but i think he is okay with that. i hope. he is also very smart! top of his class since year 1 and i am very proud of him. he is spellcaster too now- like me, but different. i need this-" [he holds up a device connected to his hand] "- but sascha can cast without! and his magic is mostly purple, and i like purple." [another homosexual pause] "he is very handsome, i think. have always thought that. his- his eyes are very...pretty. he is very pretty. i'm- okay. okay." [deep inhale] "i could not imagine life without him, if i have to be honest. he has always been here for me... well, maybe not always, but- he always comes back. always. and i... and i love him :)"

🌺 what does your oc do to calm down when they’re scared or after a nightmare? do they have any special comfort items or need to be reassured by a specific person? how do they handle this if they’re alone?

sascha does not scare easily and remains calm in most if not all situations. this is mostly because he's worried about his friends (mostly artyom lmao cringe fail gay loser i love the him) and he knows being scared is not going to help their situation, so he just kinda decides not to be scared

he does have nightmares regularly, and usually when he wakes up from one he'll be unable to fall back asleep for a while because he can't stop thinking about it. sometimes he'll leave bed for a while to sit by himself and look at the stars (or the clouds in case it's overcast) or he sits with whoever is on watch for the night, or takes their shift from them in case they look exhausted

sascha doesn't like to show that he's scared because it makes him feel embarrassed, so whenever he does feel scared he tries to keep it to himself to the point it actually just ends up becoming more obvious to others lol. when he's scared and by himself, he tends to try and distract himself by doing pretty much anything which usually does the trick because his brain can only focus on so much at once lol but when it doesn't he'll just cry about it for a while <3 and that works too

oc asks!

[wujico]

first post.. wow hello void. this is a little more awkward than i thought. i know i should treat this like im writing on paper again in my little taco journal i got from my friend back in elementary, but... idk maybe its the thought that somebody might read this that puts me off. and also the fact that i just.... havent written anything in any sort of journal since i was 16 and making goodbye letters (ToT) what a life

anyway today is a saturday... well its sunday morning at 5am but im riddled with anxiety and cant sleep so :,) im trying to keep my thoughts busy. i work again tomorrow, only six hours which is usual for me, but its fucking -50⁰ where i live rn and I REALLY dont wanna force myself out of bed..... ugh

but ive been really good at never skipping work unless im throwing up all over the place so :,) speaking of that, i just got done being sick with the flu for the SECOND TIME within two months !!!!! i have a horrid immune system.. most of the time when im sick i spend hours rotting away in my bed and on the bathroom floor... these two times were no different

i genuinely was up at like 5am unable to sleep sobbing in my bed because it hurt so much !!! i gen wanted to die lmfao i hate being sick

but its whatever... at least i got to talk to 🍀 while i was high on meds and a 39.8⁰ fever... i said some funny shit but he just entertained me... i love looking back at our messsages.. he really seems to care for me.... crazy

neway yes saturday.. today.. what did i do- well i had work. i was stressing the entire day over being able to get my hw done for uni classes on time but then i just.. decided not to work on it at all. idk.. work was okay. i love working. even though its a a gross fast food restaurant with shady people coming and making a mess 24/7. all that bad cancels out when it comes to my cowokers. ive had so... so so so many people ive loved at this job. people ive loved more than i should and who have left me (WHATS NEW) BUTTT thats a story for another day

well anyway i got to see one of my besties who is always talking about her boy troubles ... i think everyone still thinks im a lesbian there since im not out to them as trans and have a gf 🙃 its kinda funny.. especially with all my male coworkers

who can just goof off and be close to me without the added stress of thinking its going to go anywhere (for the two of us).

wow this is already becoming so long shksjjsskjslk i have a feeling each post is gonna be like this... just a ramble about my life

anyway. i went home and immediately one of my headmates made himself know... his names nikki and hes... newish? hes been around since august 2023 but just recently showed himself. well we played sky together for a while, just the two of us. i sorta.. soft called out 🍀 on my discord status saying something like "chill cr w/ nikki!! anyone can join!" hoping theyd join my game LOL

well it was a call out to any one of my sky friends on disc (my new friend mochi actually ended up seeing it and we got to talk propery on sky for one of the first times... i was so happy)

i felt bad for 🍀 at first because he couldnt see mochis chat messages while we were having a whole ass conversation with 🍀 piggy on my shoulders... but they added each other a little later and i think the convo went well :)

🍀 's sky friend actually joined us as well.. i dont know her... nor do i really care that 🍀 seemed so close with her (well that was definitely a lie i told myself)

im so jealous LMFAOOOO definitely problems related to being stuck in a toxic friend group for 12 years BUT AGAIN thats a story for another day

anyway i was a bit sad at first because there are just things you cant say in a chat with your queer platonic partner when theres a random who you sort of know but have never personally talked to... so i shut off a bit... nikki tho bless him wtf was like- urging me to stop being so closed off towards sky friends sjhdksjsk especially because this person was really nice and even asked if she could tag along (which i said was fine because i cant say no to anything, no matter how hard i try)

it got better tho, when mochi joined

i really am a horrible person, because i felt i finally had equal grounds on 🍀 by being able to talk to mochi while they couldnt

curse being literally delusionally attached to 🍀 because he is my o n l y true friend !!!

i really am selfish for wanting to have all his attention. i am such a shitty human being

anyway... we went to eden (i lead everyone) and then sat and talked for a bit. being on equal ground with mochi about our interest in skz was super refreshing. its been a while since ive talked to anybody... but i recently joined the sky server and mochi and a few others dmed me

half way through i saw me and 🍀 's mutal friend come online.... ill call him 🌟 on here.... i only recently got to know him because i was online on sky alone and decided to join him.. he was doing quests by himself so i got some 1 on 1 time with him and omg hes so cool

i always have this habit of putting everyone else in an "untouchable" catergory, because everyone compared to me is just so much better. i guess i idolized 🌟 in a way because i never got to talk to him... he was only mutals to me through our sky friend group

anyway after that 1 on 1 i immediately felt so amazing and i wanted to talk to him every chance i get... so after mochi left and he hadnt joined our game (which was suprising because i was with 🍀 and the other person who are close to 🌟 and he likes them a lot better than me so i thought hed join one of them.... but he didnt) so i just went and joined his game immediately

i kinda ditched 🍀 but its whatever, i was still in a bad mood from earlier

i was kinda upset and sad all day so.... i was distant in my head and wasnt talking to anyone.. but that wore off the moment i got the chance to talk to 🍀 again

which was when my dad suprised me with mcdonalds !!! i really felt gross after eating it- and still do- but it helps sometimes. to eat that garbage.. ive always been a binge eater

where the hell even was i

yea i teleported to 🌟 to hang out with him and 🍀 warped to me... i didnt really mind because theyre both super cool and my idols but i got a dry ass greeting from 🌟 wheres as 🍀 got a enthusiastic one !! so yeah immediately i was like aight i see how it is

but 🍀 left to do a cr so i got more 1 on 1 time with 🌟 WHICH WAS SO NICE!! i feel like we are getting closer and closer everyday... anyway he was playing some music and i offered to stay and listen and it was gen so nice... i wanted to fall asleep just listening to him play hehe and after every song id complement him and we'd talk about what hed just played (if it was from a game or a movie) .... and well he seemed gen grateful for the compliments which made me fill up with pride

eventually 🍀 came back but i didnt really mind since i got my 1 on 1 time and i enjoy talking to both of them anyway

we had a nice convo going then 🌟 left

i always feel so prideful when i can make people laugh, even though it might even just be a lol or hahaha

then me and 🍀 had one on one time... which is what brings me to writing this

he mentioned he had a secret tumblr diary. this isnt the first time he mentioned it- back when we met irl he said if i could find it i could read it.... i tried to find it lol but couldnt so i just gave up

i didnt even think about it again until tonight.... i thought about trying to find it again but then i was like- yk what would be a better idea !!! make my own !!

so yeah i got the idea from him... a little secret vent diary place that i hope nobody can find (especially him, but if you do find it, im sorry LOL)

really i kinda wanna go looking for his but.... idk after making my own im just like how fucking awkward would it be for him to find mine and read it 😀😀 LIKE THAT WOULD BE SO BAD

so ive given up again

im gonna wait until he shares it with me.. idk when that'll be, but maybe when he does ill have wrote a lot on here and can share this with him as well

after all, i am kinda crazy. ill tell him every little secret about me if he asked.

i have so much to say but no brain power left. oh well

- ji

(1 / 13/ 2024)

[burnedpages]

I dont know if im ever going to be able to move on from this.

and all of these memories just gone....

I was so sure this time.

I havent had a dream in 2 months, now I start taking these natural plant based gummies and its the second night in a row.

only it was us running from a killer. jai was trying to save me but I was trying to save you. then you and I lost each other in the crowd and me nick Alexis and jai all got shoved into a getaway bus and you ended up on a different bus.

I was crying and yelling your name out the window trying to get your attention. but you didn't look up or hear me. the busses began to leave and I woke up..

and I guess that really is how fighting for someone who doesn't want you to fight for them feels like. because they never once tried saving me in the dream. it was always me.

but why tf would jai be in the dream trying to save me? wtf lol that's so backwards.

there's a few different things that dream could mean.

but all I know is I'm tired of nobody fighting to keep me. I'm tired of people doing things to lose me then being upset about losing me as if it's not their fault. I don't think people realize that when you love somebody everything comes natural. so you'd never be put in the position to lose the person. idk why people don't realize that it's common sense.

and no, sending some text messages is not trying lmfao. not at all lmfao. trying is changed behavior. trying is showing up. trying is making an effort. trying is proof. trying is going the extra mile.

but no, instead I had to sit and explain to them what they did wrong until they stopped lying to me. and then after, I proceed to have to explain how to try and fix shit and none of it just ever happens.

but maybe there's nothing to fix because if they could do all that, then maybe they don't actually love me. it just doesn't make sense to love someone and then go and do everything that they did.

but how and why did it feel so real with us up until the last week we had?

until they made that choice.

maybe we're just not meant for this reality..

maybe we will meet again in a couple of years..

i dont know...

but i love you. and i miss you so fucking much. and i know you'll never see this so this is just for myself. but all of my writing is for me.

I loved you. more than I ever thought I could possibly love somebody.

I still do love you.

but my trust has been broken, and now i feel anything but loved by you.

we were so close.... so fucking close...

why would you do this???

and now im made out to be the bad guy because i left.

I told you from the beginning the only things that would make me leave and you agreed. but you did one of them anyways.

when youre afraid to lose somebody you should be doing everything in your power to keep them. not the other way around.

its funny how every time im the one done dirty, the other person is the one who needs saving. sounds like that Rihanna song.

"funny how im the broken one but youre the only one who needed saving."

im convinced that I'll never be shown different from anybody.

you were the one I wanted that from.

you were the one I wanted everything with.

and now?

im left in bed wondering what i could have done differently to make you not step out on me.

but i know its not my fault..

I loved you, and I will continue to love you...

but its not my job to show that anymore.

[moonguilt]

15 & 19!!

15.  shuffle your playlist. pick your favorite lyric from the song the playlist shuffled to. “The sea waves are my evening gown And the sun on my head is my crown I made this Queendom on my own And all the mountains are my throne”

- Queendom (by Aurora)

not sure if singular “lyric” meant i was only supposed to pick one word but uhhh w/e this verse is great... your girl loves royal imagery & nature imagery so im all over this.. if i had to pick one single lyric i’d probably go with “crown”

19. an artist you think is overrated

hmm i dont really dislike most artists. if i dont enjoy their music i just move on w/ my life, i don’t like trashing them unless they’re actually bad people. if they’re not doing bad things then they’re just pursuing their passions and i don’t like the culture of “oh this artist is so mainstream and it annoys me” like maybe ppl just really like their music... that’s a good thing... so many people are prejudiced against like, harry styles for example because of his association w/ 1D. i dont listen to his music but he seems like a nice dude just trying to live his best life and it saddens me that so many people hear his name and instantly are like “ewww that boy band guy that little girls are obsessed with, he’s so overrated”

(“many people” are me--i was like that for pretty much the entirety of my teenage years before i realized that i was being dumb and hipster and that i was participating in a culture of shaming young people, especially girls, into feeling guilty or cringey for liking what they like)

long story short i dont think any artist is overrated. i think many are underrated, sure, but i don’t begrudge musicians for being successful. my only exception would be for genuine assholes like idk chris brown or smth but he’s not “overrated” really since public opinion of him is Not High hmfkgdjh

[jjkafterhours]

Part 5 of reversal of the heart? <3 Also i was the one who requested the part 4 and 3 for reversal of the heart <333

REVERSAL OF THE HEART

PART FIVE

PAIRING;; Toji Fushiguro/Reader

TAGS/WARNINGS;; angst, hurt/comfort, gore, panic attacks, mentions of neglect and abuse, a kiss @brumous11

WC;; 2.5k+

NOTES;; Sorry for the late update !! I’m currently having exams (which I didn’t prepare at all for lmfao) but my next exam’s English and story writing is in the syllabus so I’m happy that’s an excuse to write more fanfic. Your encouragement genuinely warms my heart and I’m really grateful.

TAGLIST;; @m00dycr4nkybitc (tysm <3)

PART ONE PART TWO PART THREE PART FOUR

“Are you alright?” “Don’t touch me.” Toji rasps. His head spins, his lines of thought and vision blurred. The hands grasping his were soft and if he did not focus, he would keep mistaking them for somebody else’s.

She does not let go of his hands, her fingers lacing through his. She does not say anything, does not complain. Toji does not she has heard her protest even once, he does not believe that it is in her nature, that it Is the same person insisting that he get up from his bed instead on lying down all day, her hands on his shoulders, making excuses to spend time with him. He looks up at her, confuses her face with one of the past.

No. No. No. No.

The weight returns; it had all been in vain. There was no point in those little outings. He would forever be left behind in the past, and she would be miserable with him, because he could not even look at her. No matter how determined she was to pull him through; people gave way eventually and she would become quiet, her words fading away until all what remained was silence, and one day he would wake up to see that she had left. One had left him by her grave, the other one for the death of his own peace of mind. He could not complain, he did not deserve to; when her only fault was to love him when he could not.

“I can’t do this.” He’s shaking his head, tears stinging his eyes. Since when did he break down so easily?

“You don’t have to.” No, she does not understand-

“Listen,” He says. “You don’t have to stay here. This isn’t going to work.” He wishes he could have married with an empty mind. Like he carried out his jobs.

She remained silent for a moment, her thumb gently stroking the pads of his fingers. “Why?”

“Because you don’t deserve this. You’ll be miserable with me, because I cannot give you what you want, and you’ll hate me.” He is rambling, and he knows it, but the silence is unbearable and he begins to list out all the reasons he isn’t the one for you; how he never stayed at home, how he got angry over the slightest of things, how he could not go to the park without being reminded that it was her favorite place to be. When it’s over, all that remains is his drowned breathing, his gaze unfocused and wild, as if trying to plucking out more things to say out of thin air.

“Please.” He begs. He does not know what he wants.

“What do you need, Toji?” You ask, straightening up.

“Just…” His hands reach out for yours again. You should leave, but I need you to stay, because if you don’t, I’ll be lonely and sad and I’ll hate it. It is selfish; and he knows that it is cruel to ask so much of you. He doesn’t know what to do, how to move forward, how to take care of his children who needed him the most right now. This was the time when they needed family the most. He’s confused, he does not think that he is even a capable husband or father to begin with, and he’s afraid that if he mulls over it too much, he will realize how much of a terrible person he really is.

“Do you want me to stay?” You ask. He nods. You pull his arms around him – his chest heaves with every breath and it suddenly hits you how you would never be able to exactly tell what he feels – but you are content with his head resting at the crook of your neck.

You stop sleeping in different rooms from then on.

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Pain.

Everywhere. Seeping into his bones, the sensation imprinting itself into his head. His mother is screaming, sobbing hysterically. His uncle clucks his tongue in disappointment.

“No Cursed Energy, huh? What a disgrace.” Naobito says. “Send the boy away.”

Disgrace? Why? The word echoes in his head, over and over again, louder and louder until he clutches his head, doubling over and retching. He hears the hurried footsteps of the servants.

“How could Master do this?” “The boy only just learnt how to walk last year!” “Look at what they did to-Mistress! The mistress has fainted!”

Of course, these words were only whispered amongst the women. Nobody wished to openly defy the head of the clan. He stumbled, into the arms of one of the servants whose voice he recognized, feeling bile rising up his throat again.

Why was he a disgrace? He could not even see the things which had come at him. He is too shocked to even cry; and the only thing he feels is disgust.

“Young Master, you need to rest.” He heard one of the servants insist. He nodded slowly.

“I-“ He isn’t able to finish the sentence when another surge of nausea hits him and he rips himself away from the woman to properly empty the contents of his stomach. However, she feels more sympathy than disgust, crooning to him, rubbing his back as he did.

As he is being led away, he sees his mother from the corner of his eye. Being supported by one of the servants, weeping once more as she is led into her room.

Pathetic, he thinks, only for the briefest of moments, before shame hits him. This was what his mother was trying to protect him from. She knew, whatever his uncle had been looking for. She knew that he did not possess it. From the way Naobito looked at him, he realised that it was one of the things which all members of the Zenin clan possessed.

Cursed Energy.

He did not feel anger or resentment towards his mother. Only pity. Pity for the woman who was only trying to buy her son time, trying to prevent him from being humiliated by the rest of the clan. Pity for the woman who had been locked up into a three-tatami room for not being able to bear them a proper heir. He who had fought tooth and nail against the invisible creatures, looked on by the older members of the clan, who did nothing to protect him; this was entertainment to them.

No, they were to blame.

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When you wake up, he is gone. Still drowsy with sleep, you feel slightly hurt when you blindly search for him in the sheets then your vision clears to find nothing, the only evidence being the disheveled sheets.

You do find him in the dining room however. Cradling Megumi in his arms as he sat on the couch. Megumi, surprised by the unexpected show of affection seemed to be frozen slightly, but clung to his father’s arms, struggling to commit the action to memory in fear that it would only be the last time he would. When Toji sees you, he slowly lets of Megumi, who pauses, momentarily confused, then hops down from the couch and runs towards you.

“Morning, Megs.” Huh, you were starting to get really good at coming up with nicknames. Toji smiles faintly at that, as you sit down next to him. Megumi looked curiously between both of you, but his face glowed with happiness. This is what he wanted. This is what he needed.

As Megumi rests in your lap, his legs extended to Toji’s, you feel a hand rest on yours. Toji hesitates, but only briefly, before awkwardly squeezing it.

It’s a simple, sweet action, and the slight sting you felt in the morning immediately dissolves.

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Toji is seven when he manages to take down one of the clan members. It’s a boy, the child of one of the subordinates of the head, who had heard of his condition. 5 years older than him, smug, and petulant. It was not a planned assault, a decision he had taken in the heat of the moment, but he did not regret it. They were all the same.

Kenji Zenin.

Even the name was pretentious, and spelled out irony into the incident even more. Perhaps the boy would have lived up to his name if it had not occurred.

Toji had always been a slow learner. And Kenji enjoyed rubbing that in his face.

He is still learning. He cannot see the Shikigami, but he can smell them out. However, he knows that it would not be enough for him to win the fight. How amusing would it be, for Kenji to see him getting beaten up by a bunch of dogs, wildly flailing around as he struggled on when to attack, when to dodge.

No.

He cranes his neck, clawing at Kenji’s neck, who laughs, sneers at him; choking slightly as he attempts to imitate how his father decided to punish his mother. His fingers claw around the boy’s neck, and he squeezes, hard.

When he feels the shadows below him widen and darken, he knows it is too late. He grinds his teeth in frustration, before screeching loudly. He smacks his head against the side of Kenji’s temple, and the boy yelps, then laughs.

Shut the fuck up, he thinks, tilting his head. A stinging slap makes his ears ring; Kenji thinks that he is going to attempt to spit at him. No, he had thought of something much worse.

His teeth scrape the boy’s earlobe, and he feels the boy stiffen. The shadows waver for a moment, and he senses their physical form tremble, like a broken-down hologram.

This was it. This was the way to victory.

He bites into the boy’s ear, and rips it clean off.

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The nightmares leave Toji in a bad mood for the rest of the day. It was more difficult, knowing that the nightmares were in fact pieces of his gruesome past. His wife looks at him in concern, and he almost calls her the wrong name when he asks for breakfast. He nods slowly, more to himself, when she puts a hand on his shoulder, silently asking if he was alright. He does not explain, but pats the back of her hand in response.

He sees Megumi yawning slightly when he walks into the room, immediately flinching as he felt his father’s eyes boring into him. Megumi slowly turns to look up at him, and his half-asleep state immediately snaps back into one of alarm. Megumi shrivels up the moment he sees him; and scampers away, reminding him of a rat in search of a hiding place.

Toji realizes that he is glaring at his 5-year-old son. Whose birthday was in less than 2 weeks.

Ah.

He had almost forgotten.

The boy’s lip quivers as he retreats back into his room after snatching his plate of breakfast. Probably to cry in his sister’s arms. Sometimes he wondered how he managed to have him as his son. He was so weak, he cried at every little thing that happened to him.

“Toji.” He hears her softly say, and cranes his neck to look at her. Her expression is soft, riddled with confusion and naivety, and for the briefest of moments he sees somebody else instead. It clears his vision, like a veil ripped from his eyes, when he realizes that he had been looking at his son with nothing less than malicious contempt.

“I,” He says, unsure how to explain. He had no explanation. He should go to his son’s room and ask, no, beg for forgiveness, for expecting the boy to go through what he had gone through.

“It’s alright,” She says, “You don’t have to tell me. I want you to take your time.”

He is confused for a moment before he realizes that she was recalling the previous night.

“Ah.” Embarrassment hits him, quick and bitter, it feels worse when she is looking at him like that. She was soft, understanding yet clueless of what he had seen while he slept. And he had blindly reached for her as well, mistaking the present for the past.

He really had to stop.

My dead wife is cockblocking me. Hah.

He wanted to laugh and tear his hair out, at the absurdity of it.

Toji looks at her, really looks. She does not strike him as the naïve, silent woman as he had thought her to be. Even with how he dismissed her, she seemed obstinate on staying by his side; insistent on believing that none of this was his fault.

But it fucking is, his mind screams at him when she sits next to him. She looks light as a feather, her hand brushing his cheek like a petal flitting by. She did not see the blood covered in his hands, the murderer that he was, out of sheer spite of what the world had done to him. When she touched him, the torrent of thoughts slowed down, leaving him numb to them for some time.

Small mercies.

She seemed to notice. She was rather observant; he had to admit. Her gaze flickering from the room to him, gauging his reaction and body language in an attempt to figure out what he was thinking. He had to stop himself from mistaking her kind nature as calculating, to prevent himself from seeing his wife as some kind of secret assassin who was sent to kill him. It was not him that the Zenins wanted, after all, it was Megumi, who, unlike him, had been blessed with the Ten Shadows Technique from the clan.

Truly the only thing the clan had offered the boy.

Toji stares. Pushing down the thoughts, he studies you. He has begun to pick up the little things, the way your lips slightly droop downwards, your open, warm expression often mistaken for timidness; when he knew that you were merely just waiting for him to respond. The curve of your neck, the lines forming your face. He leans in, but is afraid to do any more than that. His skin felt tingly and warm wherever you rested your palm on your shoulder, or laced your fingers through his. Neither of you speak, you sensing that there was something different about his gaze, and him quietly bewitched by you. You’re beautiful, and he is afraid that he will be the ruin of you.

“Give me your hand.”

Toji does not really question when you ask him to do anything. It becomes a recurring theme in his life, where you unexpectedly stop whatever you are doing to swivel your attention towards him, be it teasing, a silly joke he would struggle to not smile at, or this.

He watches as you trace patterns over the scars of his palm. His hands were permanently roughened out from work, compared to your smooth, skin unmarked by any kind of injures. Better him than you, he thinks.

He flushes when you kiss the palm of his hand. He wants to reciprocate, cup your cheek with his hands, perhaps placing a kiss if his anxiety did not overwhelm him. His hands are scraped, his lips chapped, not a pleasant experience at all-

“Can I kiss you?” He asks anyway.

“Yes.” You reply, not missing a beat.

PART SIX PART SEVEN PART EIGHT