#someone once told me I have the worst adhd they’ve ever seen

[sunfyresrider]

Me: There’s not enough Aegon fics

Me: if I want something then I have to write it myself. I will single-handedly fill the Aegon fic tag with content.

Me: *stares at my screen for two hours producing only one paragraph before getting distracted by a noise and forgetting what I was doing*

Also me: *starts two new wips because my memory is so bad I forgot about the first*

[cellythefloshie]

I’m gonna tell you the story of a guy from one of my friend groups in college pretending to have a group get together to take me out on a date.

So, one of my old friends messaged me asking if she could pass on my number to him because he wanted to have a meet up after not seeing each other in like 6/7 years. Of course, I said sure. Next day he messages me and sets up a day and time and we’re gonna meet at a local bookstore beforehand (my suggestion because I actually needed to buy gifts there lol).

So, day comes and I get there and we find each other and I ask “who else is coming?” He awkwardly says “no one. I thought you knew it was just you and me.” Cue awkward silence and I just said “oh okay”. So I buy the books I’m gifting and check out eventually while casually chatting. Afterwards, he hands me the book he bought and it’s about living with adhd (which I’d been recently diagnosed with and had mentioned to him) 🙃. We grab drinks at the ramen place next door because we still had time before our dinner reservation.

I can tell he’s trying to flirt while I continue to act like a friend. Eventually, we head to the place with the reservation, and he asks “you like sushi right?” Me “um no I dont actually.” Him “you sure? I thought you said something once about like sushi” READERS I’ve always disliked sushi. I’ve tried almost every type. It’s not my thing.

We get there and they ask if he still wants omakase (chef’s choice type thing and it’s insanely expensive) and says no to them. They kind a look relieved lol. By this point, I was just in it for the free food and drinks. I’m not into him that way AT ALL. I end up getting another drink and delicious $38 chicken katsu. This idiot gets a PLATTER for like 4 people for himself. I think the waitress knew that it was date gone wrong.

Eventually towards the end of this very awkward date, he asks for to-go boxes for his sushi which he GIVES TO ME for whatever reason. As we’re leaving the restaurant, he asks if I want to go canoeing a month from then and I make up an excuse that my friends kiddos 2nd birthday is that day (it actually was like 2 weeks prior lmao). He asks if I want him to drive me home and I make up the funniest excuse that my friends want to go out and I need to go to Trader Joe’s across the street for pickles. We end up going our separate ways, and I run across the street, walk through TJs to the other entrance and throw away all the sushi in the trash before heading home and having a big ass glass of wine. At least I got $30 of drinks and $38 chicken katsu out of it.

After I told my parents, my dad “atta girl”-ed me for staying for the free food and drinks lmao. The guy texted me like later that night saying I should come over soon because his mom likes gardening too. I’ve ghosted and blocked him. I confirmed with the original friend that she had no idea he was gonna do that and I believe her.

I went to the ramen place again recently to make nice memories to override the date memories. And I told the bartender and waitress the story, and they were dying laughing. They said where we sat is where a lot of dates sit, and they’ve seen people walk out on dates lmao.

But yeah, hope you enjoyed the abridged version of the worst date I’ve ever been on. Don’t surprise people with dates.

Sleepover Saturday

I can't believe someone put you through that! It's absolutely ridiculous the lengths men will go to avoid rejection. And he obviously was a bad listener! I would have blocked him too!

[literaphobe]

that's so AWESOME, being a polyglot sure as hell is hot! and such an advantage with korean fanart! If you don't mind, which one is your favourite (for writing, speaking, listening)? When talking, do you alternate between the three of them?? Which one do you think is the easiest? Any anecdote involving language?? How do you got interested in learning korean?? i don't know, id like to read more about it asdkdj

hehe sometimes i see the korean spop art n comics on twitter and they will have some like english translation and i will feel like an insider because i will look at the original korean one and know what it Really says 

also! english is the language i’m technically the most proficient in? but when i speak to family n friends who speak english and chinese i tend to code-switch! it is fun and also my parents used to make me terrified of chinese because they would scold and belittle me constantly for not speaking it well when i was like in my preteens to teens (even tho it was their fault! for almost exclusively speaking english to me because english proficiency is an advantage and is prioritized in my country). but my mom now admits i speak chinese well <3 i don’t necessarily know all the words but whatever i say tends to come out nice <3 also with korean.... mmm its hard to get opportunities to speak it because i don’t know anyone who can speak korean with me <3 i feel very shy about using it <3 there was a period of time tho when i spoke korean to my dogs for fun it was funny 

between english chinese and korean..... it’s interesting because english and chinese both for the most part follow the SVO (subject verb object) sentence structure, whereas korean follows a SOV (subject object verb) sentence structure. BUT english and korean both have an alphabet (its why i learnt how to read korean in like! idk an hour i’m guessing) whereas chinese does not </3 its a... [big sigh] pictorial language. so each character is some new fucking picture you gotta learn. SUCH a bitch in oral examinations because sometimes u will just come across a word that u don’t know! never seen that shit before! so u don’t know how to read it <3 so it’s like a guessing game where there is every chance you will be completely wrong <3 so sometimes u gotta fucking <3 pretend the word doesn’t exist <3 or make up your own pronunciation <3 i remember sitting in a hall once with two of my malay friends and they were moaning about how scared they were because what if they pronounce stuff wrong :( and i’m like aw :( well :( but at least u have an alphabet :( which is like the same letters as the one in english :( that’s like safer right because how wrong can u go? and they’re like ok but u see :( the word could be said slightly different as compared to how its spelt :( and i’m like oh <3 that must be so hard <3 

and the thing is u see. they learnt exactly how much easier they had it. because our school had this program where they made the chinese students learn malay and the students who spoke malay, hindi, tamil, basically everyone who was not chinese. they had to learn chinese </3 and that was honestly like a racist hate crime, because after class my friends would come up to me on the verge of tears like. michelle :’( HOW are you doing this. chinese class is so scary we hate it why must we memorise every new character. and me, who got second in class for malay (the ONLY reason why i didn’t get first was because i forgot what ‘yellow’ was in malay. and now i will always remember it is ‘kuning’. anyway my malay teacher was BEAUTIFUL and she told me i got full marks for reading because i said everything perfectly. i did not understand a single word of the malay passage i was reading <3) was like i am so sorry :( you do not deserve this :( 

anyway its a hate crime to make a person learn english and chinese because imo those are two of the most different languages in the world :) its why white people fucking suck at chinese. and honestly so do most chinese american like. actors. ever seen a movie where they speak chinese? most times they are speaking it horribly <3 anyway, learning korean was really interesting because of how it strengthened my chinese! like, because a lot of korean words came from chinese (there are korean words taken from japanese too. because. well. lmao) and the korean alphabet was literally invented because traditional han characters (written chinese) was too fucking hard. even the chinese people realized traditional chinese was too fucking hard and decided to make simplified chinese. like make those pictures less complicated! 

the reason why i learnt korean was because. of this korean variety show called running man. it is the most internationally recognized korean variety show. so what this show is is like. there is a main cast made up of actors, singers, and comedians. and they are forced to compete against each other/team up to achieve a common goal, through playing various games and stuff with a final objective that involves someone winning/getting punished. it’s a little hard to explain, but they’re like an irl found family trope (while also being fictional? because they essentially play characters on that show that are like exaggerated versions of themselves) with EVERY AU ever. like seriously think of a concept they’ve probably done it. high school, super powers, super heroes, aliens, college students, olympic athletes, sherlock holmes, james bond, chess, etc etc etc. so an example of this would be like the staff will tell the members “this week you are the drama department in the high school and you are competing against the athletics department to determine who is the best club in the school” and they’ll have to do it. and sometimes the cast gets really into the theme of the ep and its really funny when they gotta Act to sell something. anyway they also have this game which the show invented called ‘nametag ripping’ so essentially on their backs everyone has a name tag stuck to their clothes with velcro and you have to rip off the nametags of other people. the cast in this show has incredible chemistry so the banter is amazing and very funny. i also have to admit i additionally liked the show because two of the members had this ‘best enemies, best collaborators’ chemistry that i found very compelling and fun to watch. so i started learning korean so i could get what they were saying without subs ie watch the show live. and i guess my parents found that impressive which is why my mom constantly nags me to learn more languages. which. is not gonna happen because i have adhd <3 and the thing about me is. i won’t say i’m a genius. but i can do anything so long as i want to do it. its the worst superpower to have <3 so anyway. that’s why i know korean i guess! sorry this is so long 

[mcrmadness]

I was wondering this when I was trying to sleep and almost grabbed my phone to write, but eventually I fell asleep before that. And now I’m again wondering this. The fact how I’m constantly afraid of people abandoning me but what I’m more afraid is: that I accidentally hurt people without knowing it myself. I mean, people see me do and say things online and eventually I always start to be afraid that I have said or done something that has offended others and the worst thing is, that I don’t KNOW if I have done so and WHAT have I even done.

I think this comes from the time I was a teenager, when my best-friend-of-that-time started to change drastically when we were 13. She basically became the shadow of what she used to be and because of her, I learnt about the term “narcissism”. Something that was happening on daily basis was that we were at a break and we were having a fun time, then we had a lesson and something happened during that lesson that made her sulk and be just angry during the next break. And I was always asking her what it is, and I never got any answer to anything, I never knew if I had said or done something that upset her or if she got angry because of other people or teachers or things. She would just stand there and sulk and then shout at me if I asked something, refusing to talk at all. So I was just following her around all the time becaue she was never asking me to go away, she just didn’t want to interact with me cos she was mad about _something.

And also online I have been abandoned by so many people over the years. People just stop talking to me and I’m always left here wondering, why did that happen. Why is no one saying anything? Did they just forget or did they choose not to talk? If so, why did they choose? Why can’t people ever say anything because it’s really affecting the way I perceive everyone else after that because I’m constantly trying to look for proof for me being faulty for that. I know that I have also stopped talking to many people over the years but it’s been more like... growing apart or me thinking about it all the time but I can’t feel the time so I literally don’t feel the difference between talking to someone yesterday and 5 years ago. One day I just realize that “hey I haven’t talked to this person in a while. Wait what when did 8 years pass???” so it’s possible that this also happens to other people and not just me. But with my past, I’m always wondering if I should blame myself for when people stop talking to me and I’m afraid that other people are also gonna abandon me because I did something I didn’t realize could affect someone else some way. I mean like, not things that happen between people but, for example, reblogging or posting things on Tumblr and I’m afraid if I’ve said something in the tags (or my posts) that would upset people so much they’d be now mad at me and I’d have no clue because they won’t tell me. Bit like with this girl I was friends with when I was 13 - something happened during the lessons or even breaks but she never told me what it was so I was only guessing if it was because of me or not.

I have had similar thing many times before. I have ruined friendships because I have been away from people for too long time and I’ve come to the conclusion they must hate me now because they’ve realized how much better they are doing without me. And I had trouble facing them again because I felt like I’m doing them a favor if I just stay away and let the friendships die on their own so they don’t need to tell me that they hate me. This is why it’s always hard for me to remeet people I haven’t seen in ages because I feel like they’ve been thinking about their memories about me and figured how awful I am but they didn’t see it once I was still there. Maybe what I see here is when someone is toxic and you’re feeling bad about it but don’t see it yet, and once the toxic friendship/relationship is over, you see how the things really were. So maybe I imagine being the toxic one all the time and when people are away from me, they realize how toxic I actually am and I also want to protect the from me? I don’t know.

Anyway, I’ve been obsessing with this “am I, in fact, a toxic person???” thought for days now. I can’t seem to get over it and it’s haunting me. And I also read a bit about “rejection sensitive dysphoria” aka rsd, again, because I stumble upon it on these ADHD blogs all the time and I might have ADHD (without hyperactivity). I haven’t got it diagnosed because my childhood was filled with social anxiety, selective mutism and bullying + I was a very shy kid; but I had my psychiatrist tell me that I do have problems with attention. I also did the RSD self-test from one website about ADHD and I got quite high points on that and in a way it sounds a lot like me, but I’m still also not too sure...

[pashpops]

Impulsive

The biggest boy group with the biggest fandom from the biggest company

Members: Taejoon, Yejoon, Hyunwoo, Daeho (maknae), Chanyoung (leader), Romain

Fandom name: Heartbeats

Stage Name: Taejoon Birth Name: Bae Tae Joon Position: Vocalist, Rapper, Dancer Birthday: 1994 Zodiac: Leo Height: 180cm Weight: kg Blood Type: O Favourite Colour: Yellow, red Favourite Food: Cheeseburger Least Favourite Food: Buckwheat noodles Hobbies: Playing guitar, writing music, working out

 Facts: - Group puppy, unanimously voted member with most aegyo and who loves skinship the most. - Before becoming an idol, he played guitar in a fairly well-known underground punk rock band! - Has a tiny soft voice and tends to be quiet, but he’s not shy at all, he just prefers to listen. - Ideal type: someone cheerful and talkative but who is older and who can lead him.

BEHIND THE SCENES DATA: - veryyyyyy adhd, always running late and sometimes doesn’t show up at all, but as he’s very popular, it always gets excused. - heavy drinker and huge party animal. Gets very rowdy and noisy, not to the point of being violent but definitely to the point of disturbing other patrons at bars. His hyungwhoring gets turned up to 11 as well, with Yejoon as his frequent victim of snuggles, cuddles and whiny demands for affection. He never remembers it, though, and even when shown video evidence he’ll excuse it as “just a once-off thing” and “you guys are just exaggerating it to be funny”.

Stage Name: Yejoon Birth Name: Moon Ye Joon Position: Main Vocal, Dancer Birthday: 1991 Zodiac: Gemini Height: 178cm Weight: kg Blood Type: AB Favourite Colour: Black Favourite Food: Thai green curry Least Favourite Food: Mushrooms, violently and irrationally Hobbies: FASHION, freestyle dance

 Facts: - Even though he’s a year younger than Hyunwoo and Chanyoung, he’s the de facto leader, as Chanyoung, the real leader, is way too soft to actually take control and Hyunwoo simply doesn’t have the drive. - Despite being the main vocalist and one of the best vocals in the industry overall with a unique clear tone and fantastic range, he actually auditioned as a dancer! - Huge variety star, though not on the same level as Hyunwoo. - Well-known for his unique, genderless and often outrageous fashion choices, especially his manicured nails. - “Mother” of the group, but also the “cat” of the group. He switches between “caring and loving to borderline smothering” and “don’t touch me I hate you go away but also pay attention to me and love me” at the drop of a hat. - Ideal type: someone gentle and warm, someone whose presence feels like a hug, even if you’re just sitting in silence doing your own things in the same room, someone responsible and good-natured, someone older and more mature, someone who can understand his work, someone who has a nice smile, someone who is a little shy but not to the point of being embarrassed to be seen together, someone who will do what he says but can also take the initiative… he is very, very picky.

BEHIND THE SCENES DATA: - DIVA in every sense of the word. Immensely talented in vocals and dance and even a pretty good rapper, bombastic on stage, but extremely demanding and temperamental. He’s undeniably talented, easily one of the top entertainers of his generation, but even despite that and the backing of the largest and most successful company in the industry, he’s still always in the tabloids for attitude scandals. - Was told by the company to “fix” his tooth gap as a teenage trainee, but he refused and threw a tantrum about it, and now it’s become his trademark. - Used to be very very thin, unhealthily so, and put on a lot of weight in the past few years (even though he is still skinny) both in fat and muscle tone. Even though he objectively looks much better, some people act like he’s stopped caring about his body, and that he should be ashamed of putting on so much weight. He has responded by showing off his new curves (which are barely there, but still, compared to how thin he used to be...) even more than ever. #haterswillsayitsphotoshop - Genderfluid, has some more boyish days and some more womanly days and some both and in between and neither, and doesn’t really care how people refer to him. - In a serious relationship with Chanyoung. They’ve had a nebulous romantic and sexual relationship since their rookie era, but with Chanyoung’s enlistment, he realised how much he really loved him and spent the 2 years Chanyoung was away either moping or working himself to death. To say he was happy that Chanyoung felt the same way and wanted to be with him no matter what is an understatement… even Yejoon’s detractors (of which there are many) have noted how he glows lately.

Stage Name: Hyunwoo Birth Name: Kang Hyun Woo Position: Vocal Birthday: 1990 Zodiac: Libra Height: 180cm Weight: kg Blood Type: O Favourite Colour: Light blue Favourite Food: Affogato Least Favourite Food: Stinky tofu Hobbies: Telling jokes, nagging

 Facts: - Impulsive’s variety king. He might only have 5 lines every comeback, but he's hosting 5 shows! - Though Impulsive were popular from debut, they skyrocketed to fame after Hyunwoo introduced the group on [insert funny parody name of Strong Heart] and, more importantly, the “official pairings”, which are: 2joon (Taejoon & Yejoon, Dog & Cat Couple), rodae (Romain & Daeho, Prince & Princess Couple), and chanhyun (Chanyoung & Hyunwoo, Leftovers Couple). It was the first time an idol openly acknowledged and encouraged fan shipping, and was considered both hugely controversial and extremely funny, especially with how blunt he was about simply forgetting to ship himself or Chanyoung and how simple his reasoning for the others was (2joon are very close but have virtually opposite ways of showing affection which makes their interactions funny to watch, as Taejoon is very physically affectionate and Yejoon is a total tsundere, and Romain and Daeho aren’t really that close but Romain looks like a European prince and Daeho looks like a pretty princess). - His nosejob is fairly obvious when you look at his rookie era photos, but he acknowledges it and attributes it to Daeho accidentally breaking it during practice, so he had to get it fixed. - ideal type: someone who listens well!

BEHIND THE SCENES DATA: - Knows his career as an idol will be fleeting, and is trying his hardest not only to keep himself afloat with all his variety hostings and guestings, but also to make sure his group stays relevant. He’s done more to keep Yejoon out of trouble than their company has, and their company works HARD for Yejoon. - Though you wouldn’t know it from seeing him at work, he actually suffers pretty badly from anxiety. Part of how he copes is through being a motormouth! - The story behind his nosejob is true, except for the part where it was an accident. Daeho had actually just thrown a particularly good punch for a young teen, and one on purpose and in a fit of anger after Hyunwoo had ignored Daeho asking him to be quiet while he was practicing and kept talking loudly with a back dancer. It was a massive internal incident at the time as they had just had two back-to-back chart-topping singles and Hyunwoo is a variety staple and Daeho is by far the most popular member of the group, so it wasn’t as simple as putting either of them on ice. Luckily, that same day, the album production had hit a standstill and they had to delay their next comeback anyway, so Hyunwoo had time to get his nose repaired (and turned into the “ideal” while they were there, which isn’t anything like his original nose, which is why some people doubt the “accident” story) and Daeho got effectively grounded.

Stage Name: Daeho Birth Name: Park Dae Ho Position: Vocal, Maknae Birthday: 1994 Zodiac: Capricorn Height: 171cm Weight: kg Blood Type: A Favourite Colour: Coral pink Favourite Food: Steak, blue Least Favourite Food: Eggplant Hobbies: Reading about true crime, doing experiments on the hyungs

 Facts: - The pretty princess of Impulsive and the forever baby maknae! - Very famous for his beautiful, waist-long black hair and his sweet face, he’s considered one of the industry’s top beauties, even over girl group members! - Super 4D, always thinking and saying bizarre things. Combined with his resting bitch face, it can sometimes come off creepy… - Ideal type: none

BEHIND THE SCENES DATA: - Really, really hates his “pretty princess” nickname. - Hates it when people misgender him in general. Once as a mistake is annoying enough, if understandable given that he cultivates a very traditionally feminine appearance, but he loathes being constantly called a girl just because of his looks, and especially hates that it goes hand-in-hand with people infantilising him. He just likes wearing pretty clothes and having his hair long! - Unsurprisingly, as he debuted at a very young age and does have such feminine looks, he’s seen the worst of society and has very little love for the human race, least of all their fans. He sees them as desperate losers at best and inhuman hordes of zombie scum that should be put down at worst. Really doesn’t see how anyone can like their fans as anything more than ATMs, let alone be as lovey-dovey as Romain is with them. - Maybe started a cult?

Stage Name: Chanyoung Birth Name: Lee Chan Young Position: Main Rapper, Leader Birthday: 1990 Zodiac: Libra Height: 177cm Weight: kg Blood Type: O Favourite Colour: Black Favourite Food: Melon cream bun Least Favourite Food: None Hobbies: DJing, working out, getting bullied by the members

 Facts: - Down-to-earth and a little shy, he only became the leader because he’s the oldest, and only became the main rapper because he’s the only one who can rap (or at least could at debut, Taejoon, Yejoon and Romain have all practiced rapping on their own now) but he’s still loved by all as the glue that keeps the group together. - Doesn’t go on variety much by himself because he has no variety sense, but with Hyunwoo’s help, he’s slowly getting better. Mostly by making fun of himself, but still. - Ideal type: Someone who’s bold and confident and can pull him out of his comfort zone, but who has a secret soft side that only he can see.

BEHIND THE SCENES DATA: - His past as a hilariously bad, off-beat, flow-less, babyfaced rookie rapper follows him even though he has genuine bars these days. He gets NO respect. - Left for the army earlier than expected after being caught in a drunk driving scandal. The company was more than ready to cover it up for him, being the leader of one of their most successful groups of all time and all, but he was deeply ashamed and wanted to repent properly. He was always the least popular member so not a lot of people cared that much about his scandal or his subsequent return, but he still gets a fair amount of justified hate, even though he’s learned his lesson. - In a serious relationship with Yejoon. They’ve had a nebulous romantic and sexual relationship since their rookie era, but Chanyoung knows how individualistic Yejoon is and didn’t want to tie him down by putting a name to their relationship before going to the army and thus leaving him alone for 2 years, because despite loving him to the point he’d die for him, he wasn’t sure if Yejoon was that serious and felt it was better to let him go and see if he still felt the same way once he returned. He was very relieved to find out that Yejoon did indeed miss him as badly as he missed Yejoon, and ecstatic when Yejoon immediately said yes to an exclusive relationship. But now, the question is… when is the right time to ask Yejoon to marry him? And why doesn’t he realise that Yejoon suggesting and them both getting left side underbust couple tattoos (Yejoon’s: “always on my mind”, Chanyoung’s: “forever in my heart”) is already basically wedding rings?

Stage Name: Romain Birth Name: Romain Min Hyuk Lee Position: Rapper, Dancer, Visual Birthday: 1992 Zodiac: Leo Height: 183cm Weight: kg Blood Type: O Favourite Colour: Silver Favourite Food: Boeuf bourguignon Least Favourite Food: Pickled radish Hobbies: Playing pranks, clothes shopping

 Facts: - Has a French mother and a Korean father, but was born and raised in Korea and only went to France for his primary and middle school years. - Was scouted while working as a clothing model. - Impulsive’s “romantic prince”, famous for his somewhat terrifying fanservice: even if you’ve only met him once before, he’ll remember! And then get upset if you mention having a boyfriend who isn’t him. - Ideal type: “our fans are my girlfriends~”

BEHIND THE SCENES DATA: - He genuinely is that weird about their fans. Like a reverse delulu stan, he treats every fan like they’re his real girlfriends. On the rare occasion that male fans come to meet him more than once, he treats them the same, but also gets extra jealous around them, like he wants to make sure that they only pay attention to him and won’t be seduced by all his “girlfriends”. - Very, very wealthy. While he’s obviously not a real French prince given, like, the revolution and all, his family is old money and his mother not only old money but also a CEO for a technology company who SG may have interest in... - While he doesn’t care about the members (and other people he knows outside of his idol life) casually using his Korean name (Minhyuk), he finds it deeply uncomfortable when fans do.

[lizbian]

you know i gotta ask all those questions for the thuvia crew, if youre able

1. A little-known talent of your OC?

Alexis enjoys bookbinding as a hobby. He’s probably upholstered a couple journals for Aster for birthdays.Bivir, among the Metias tribe, was a hunter - they’re a skilled marksperson and it’s hardly ever seen, now that they’re in Thuvia.Damien plays the oud - he’s still learning, really.Solange is, while not masterful, practiced at parkour. She initially learned it to better evade her father.Vita derives great satisfaction from her skill at calligraphy.

2. What trait does your OC like best about themself? (Eyes, guitar skills, random bird facts, etc)

Alexis doesn’t particularly like much about himself, but values his honor.Bivir loved their hands. They’ve got long, graceful elven fingers, cute birthmarks on the palms, soft enough to be pleasant for a lover but hard enough not to hurt easily, and they are capable and deft - but they need to reassess this as things stand now.Damien likes how good he is at makeup - he’s an expert at winged eyeliner, just like his (late) father was. (According to the portraits)Solange is proudest of her achievements as a spellblade - no matter how much they’re biting her in the ass.Vita likes her obstinacy - once she settles on a goal, she doesn’t let go.

3. How many pillows does your OC sleep with?

Alexis sleeps with like, seven. Some of which are rather large. He practically entombs himself in pillows.Bivir would mostly rather sleep cuddled up to a friend or lover, sleeping sorta on them, their head on the side of whoever’s chest and their arm around them. If that’s unavailable, two pillows.Damien sleeps with three pillows, practically sitting up. Solange sleeps with one pillow, out of habit. Vita doesnt sleep.

4. Is your OC good at keeping secrets?

Alexis wears his heart on his sleeve, but will never tell verbally/ Bivir is extremely good at keeping secrets, and equally good at making sure no one suspects they have any in the first place.Damien keeps secrets, but mostly out of anxiety. Solange keeps so many secrets.Vita doesn’t much care for it, but keeps secrets.

5. Your OC’s worst habit?

eh fuc this im tired

6. Does your OC prefer tennis shoes/sneakers or flip flops?

Alexis - sneakersBivir - flip floopsDamien - converseSolange - sneakrersVita  -flip flops

7. What is your OC’s opinion on body modifications?

Alexis is SO INTO THEM.Bivir is very into them, and would like to get more.Damien is also another who approves of them.Solange likes ones that are easily undone and redone, like hair dye, but doesn’t like them with permenacy.Vita is neutral to them, despite having a few of her own.

8. Your OC is given a full-ride scholarship to any college they could want to go to. Where do they go and what do they major in?

I literally couldnt care less abt this question so im not answering it.

9. What chore does your OC hate the most?

Alexis hates dusting very much, since his breathing is dubious on the best of days.Bivir isn’t fond of cleaning anything related to bathroom actions - they’re a little squeamish in that way.Damien has never done a chore in his damn life.Solange hates clearing the forge.Vita dislikes making beds.

10. Would your OC prefer to live in the city, the suburbs, or the country?

Alexis is a suburban boy, but he’d find living in the city very convenient. Bivir was raised in a hunter-gatherer community, and likes the compromise between that and city that they’ve noticed in the suburbs.Damien is a city boy, and would like to experience all the other ways of life.Solange couldn’t imagine not living in the city.Vita doesn’t care where she is, so long as shes with friends.

11. Is your OC a blanket hog?

Alexis isn’t a blanket hog, but he’d be the sort of person to try and preemptively discourage blanket hogging by having separate blankets for everyone in the bed.Bivir isn’t a blanket hog unless they’re having a nightmare.Damien is totally a blanket hog. He wakes up swaddled every morning.Solange doesn’t use blankets in the first place. Vita doesn’t sleep.

12. Would your OC play by the rules in a fight or take cheap shots?

Alexis is very good at rules. It’s part of his honor.Bivir isn’t afraid to fight dirty.Damien doesn’t care about the rules. Or know them.Solange plays by her own rules.Vita is a fucking necromancer, which is regarded by all as a cheap shot.

13. Does your OC have a widow ’s peak?

Alexis does not.Bivir does.Damien does not.Solange does.Vita does not.

14. Happy birthday! What kind of present would your OC want?

Alexis would like something handmade or heartfelt.Bivir would like to receive flowers, but that’s unfortunately not possible since they’re born in the middle of February. They’re happy about cute pastel clothes, though.Damien’s never got a birthday present before.Solange is very fond of jewelry or shoes - or materials with which she can make herself more jewelry.Vita likes getting books!

15. Something that grosses your OC out?

Alexis is emetophobic.Bivir is disgusted by bathroom smells. Damien is grossed out by the smell of cooked vegetables. Despite this, he is vegetarian.Solange hates the smell of blood.Vita was very disgusted at the sight of severed fingers on the floor.

16. Your OC is suddenly on an adventure! Where do they go and what do they do?

I think this will inevitably be spoilers.

17. Is there a real person that looks like your OC?

Alexis resembles Soo Joo Park but thats the only one i remember right now. Oh yeah also Solange resembles a young Meryl Streep.

18. Something that makes your OC laugh without fail?

Alexis enjoys having his own antics commented upon.Bivir is usually full of laughter and grins - it’s not hard.Damien giggles when he’s flattered.Solange enjoys crude jokes.Vita doesn’t laugh much, but enjoys knock knock jokes.

19. Something that makes your OC cry without fail?

Alexis cries when he is told he’s hated.Bivir only ever cries as a result of nightmaresDamien is an easy crier. Show him some baby animals.Solange doesn’t cry.Vita cannot cry.

20. A obscure/ridiculous fear your OC has?

spoilers

21. Does your OC have any type of disability, whether it be mental, physical, etc?

Alexis has bipolar + cptsd, was born missing his right arm, and is immunocompromised and has tuberculosis. Bivir has persistent nightmares, adhd and ptsd, and is now missing two fingers on their right hand (ring/pinky)Damien has the anxiety and cptsd.Solange has the depression and cptsdVita is a harder one to place because im not sure where inexperience ends and genuine difficulty begins.

22. Does your OC get frustrated when people forget to close the door behind themselves?

Alexis absolutely does.Bivir doesn’t care.Damien is impartial.Solange is furious.Vita doesn’t care.

23. What is your OC’s first memory?

Alexis’ first memory is languishing in bed.Bivir’s first memory is their mother’s first speech on how important they were, and how they were destined for great things, and then she gave them a little smooch on their baby forehead.Damien’s first memory is probably picking up a nice book.Solange’s first memory was probably receiving her first hammer from her dad.Vita’s first memory was being booted up for the first time by her creators.

24. Something you like that your OC would hate?

i started doing this but then it hurt my confidence so i stop

25. Your OC is going into battle/on a mission! What song is their anthem?

Alexis BivirDamienSolangeVita

26. Does your OC have good or bad posture?

Alexis’ posture varies on how good he feels - it’s a pretty reliable litmus test on his physical state.Bivir has a dancer’s posture.Damien has very bad posture.Solange has pretty good posture.Vita has average posture.

27. Most despicable thing your OC has ever done?

Alexis is committing massive fraud on multiple levels.Bivir probably broke a rich person’s leg once or twice as Direct Action.Damien once pointed a gun in the face of an innocent, even friendly, dwarf.Solange made a bad deal with a corrupt princess.Vita hasn’t done anything worse than study necromancy.

28. Is your OC a conspiracy theorist?

Alexis is not.Bivir is not.Damien absolutely is.Solange doesn’t have time for it.Vita would probably believe them.

29. Someone does something awful in front of your OC. How do they handle it?

Alexis arrests them, probably. Bivir files it away in their mind and impartially tries to find the best option.Damien shoots them if it’s at all warranted.Solange kicks their ass.Vita doesn’t care.

30. What is your OC’s favorite drink?

Alexis loves hot chocolate.Bivir loves amaretto sours.Damien enjoys red wine.Solange enjoys milkshakes.Vita doesn’t drink.

31. Does your OC prefer to sleep in a warm or cool area?

Alexis likes warmths.Bivir likes warmth.Damien likes warmth. Solange likes cold.Vita doesn’t sleep.

32. Would your OC like you if they met you?

Alexis definitely would.Bivir also definitely would.Damien would probably find my enthusiasm anxiety-inducing.Solange would like me well enough.Vita would like me well enough.

33. A song that reminds you of your OC?

Alexis - Somebody To Die ForBivir - Heal MeDamien -  Silent ScreamSolange - AdiaVita - Wicked Game

34. Is your OC a nail biter?

Alexis is.Bivir isn’t.Damien is. Solange isn’t.Vita isn’t.

35. What is your OC’s favorite quote?

meh

36. Your OC’s favorite fashion era? (20’s, 70’s, etc)

Alexis - 1920′sBivir 1970sDamien - 2000sSolange - 1990Vita - 1860

37. Does your OC get excited when they get mail?

Alexis is - the only person he knows who is afar is Astr.Bivir doesn’t get mail.Damien doesn’t get mail.Solange hates mail. Usually it’s taxes.Vita doesn’t get mail.

38. Random thunderstorm! How does your OC react?

Alexis watches from his window.Bivir dances in the rain, they don’t give a crap.Damien cries from fear.Solange doesn’t care.Vita is disappointed because she can’t recharge. 

39. A strange talent of your OC?

Alexis can write backwards and upside down at the same time.Bivir is very flexible and bend all the way back.Damien can disassemble a firearm in half a second.Solange can catch a fish with her bare hands.Vita can cook good despite having no sense of taste.

40. Assuming your OC doesn’t have them already, what superpower would they want? If they do already, would they change it, keep it, or get rid of it?

spoilers

41. Does your OC like/make puns?

Alexis doesn’t make many puns, but appreciates them.Bivir isn’t fluent enough in Common for it, but makes excellent puns in Elven.Damien is too nervous. What if someone doesn’t like them?Solange doesn’t really make puns.Vita doesn’t understand the appeal.

42. What kind of shampoo does your OC use?

Alexis uses lavender rosemary scented shampoo.Bivir does a rosewater rinse. Damien uses tea tree oil scented shampoo. Solange uses herbal shampoo.Vita doesn’t really bathe - mostly wipes herself down regularly. She occaisionally washes her hair out, and uses Alex’s shampoo to do so.

43. Your OC wakes up with a coin super glued to their forehead. How do they react?

Alexis probably cries.Bivir doesn’t notice until someone points it out.Damien assumes he did it, and does not leave his home, ever.Solange rips it off her forehead skin and all.Vita doesn’t care.

44. Can your OC sleep if there’s any kind of light?

Alexis cannot.Bivir can.Damien can.Solange cannot.Vita doesnt sleep.

45. What kind of self-esteem does your OC have?

Alexis has…. average self-esteem.Bivir has pretty good self-esteem.Damien has absolutely none.Solange has far too much self-esteem.Vita has little self-esteem.

46. A word that your OC can’t stand?

i dont really get hating words tbh so i couldnt say

47. Does your OC fold their clothes, hang them up, or just leave them in the basket/dryer?

Alexis doesnt do any of that - he’s a spoiled nobleman. Bivir hangs them up.Damien has never done any such thing.Solange folds her clothes.Vita drapes them on a chair in her room.

48. Would society call your OC a good guy or a bad guy? What would they say they are?

Alexis - a good guyBivir - depends on your view of potentially-violent anarchy.Damien - a rambunctious good guy.Solange - a good galVita - a bad guy

49. Your OC’s most prized possession?

thres probably spoilers here too. im sleepy

50. What is your OC’s happy place?

Alexis’ is being held by a close friend or family member. Bivir’s is on a dancefloor, but their ideal character growth is for it to become ‘safe in the arms of a lover’. Damien’s is at a shooting range.Solange doesn’t have one.Vita’s is the Adrieux manor library.

[bootisimo]

ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!! 

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that 

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen) 

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it 

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way. 

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all