#I need to get on adhd meds so bad
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Me: There’s not enough Aegon fics
Me: if I want something then I have to write it myself. I will single-handedly fill the Aegon fic tag with content.
Me: *stares at my screen for two hours producing only one paragraph before getting distracted by a noise and forgetting what I was doing*
Also me: *starts two new wips because my memory is so bad I forgot about the first*
#someone once told me I have the worst adhd they’ve ever seen#I need to get on adhd meds so bad#but my dad is a m*th head so it’s too ironic if I get prescription m*th#i just need Jesus#I’m gonna go to church and pray#then catch on fire bc I’m from hell#jk Im actually just an advanced ai that’s malfunctioning
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you all have full permission to curbstomp me in askbox or dms or whatever the fuck if you see me doing anything but fucking writing 👍
#i need to get stuff done#actually what i need are adhd meds 😭#like i just know if i had those i wouldn’t be near as behind as i am now#i feel like such a bad writer and friend for taking so long with requests i promise i’m trying and hurrying 😭
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#my psych who prescribes my psych meds is a resident and is moving on in a couple of months#i don't even remember the names of them all at this point#this happens over and over and I cannot find a clinic that will put me with someone who intends to stay#thst will also prescribe my adhd meds#and my anxiety meds#and the real kicker is that twice now they have LIED about it and said they would#only to reveal after all the hoop-jumping that oops sorry they didn't really mean it#so it's a risk i have to take any time i leave#and rhen there's the issue of new people almost always wanting to DO something#but instead of talking to me about it they just decide that my meds need overhauling and pressure me to go off shit that works#but that they morally object to i guess#and my psych for some stupid reason has decided she wants bloodwork for my cholesterol and blood sugar stuff and im just like#what hell does THIS presage because if she harasses me about the results or tries to put me on drugs for that#I'll give her a nasty scrap about it#im not interested in those meds at all#and im certainly not messing with my diet since food is the only pleasure i get most days and even that is marginal at best#and removing that would just make me worse#but medpros for the most part really don't give a fuck about that#and so now im afraid - because i do not and cannot trust them - that if i disapprove of the meds they will retaliate somehow#which good luck proving that when management and oversight often don't even care if they course of treatment will HARM you#if it relates to being fat or having bad numbers#they just gotta pathologize!#so yeah im sick of everything and just kind of want to bury myself in a bog forever#i shouldn't have to deal with this
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Peter Vincent you are the Baddest Girl around
song is "Bad Girl" by Usher
be the change you want to see in the world. if you want more david tennant as peter vincent edits, miss an entire night of sleep making one yourself, i guess.
#god i need him as a trophy husband so fucking bad y'all have no clue#it's a wee bit messy but that's alright bc this is my first time ever making an edit and i was working with beginner tools#you know you're obsessed with a character when you break into a whole new medium just for them#i've had this edit in my brain for like a month and it feels to good to get it out of there and on my screen#bc i rediscovered this song around the same time i first watched fright night 2011 so i can't hear it without thinking of her <3#ignore how i missed an entire night of sleep making it in an adhd-med-induced hysteria.#gotta love artistic interpretation bc i can listen to this misogynistic song about getting a woman off a pimp and fully be like#''actually this is about my special little guy who sucks and i love :)''#david tennant#peter vincent#fright night#fright night 2011#anton yelchin#cw smoking#cw drinking#cw blood#fan edit#running my mouth#made this with my hands#video
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Got my first meeting with a psychiatrist in over a year since the last one demanded details about trauma when I was visibly sweating and shaking! Let’s hope today goes much better and that I have the prefrontal cortex online enough to leave if necessary instead of tolerating that kind of thing again
#note to everyone: if you say ‘I experienced xyz’ to a medical professional#on your FIRST VISIT#they are NOT supposed to require further and further details before moving the conversation along#they should take you at your word and realize that’s not the important part#the important part is hearing what symptoms you have had for how long and how they impact your daily life#so they can help you#NO ONE needs the details unless you choose to share them on your own time#and if someone is pressing you for things you’re not ready to talk about#LEAVE!!!! get up and LEAVE#i know that now#personal#this isn’t about sleep I’ve been going downhill in certain areas for weeks and haven’t gotten the boat to turn around#so I’m asking to start back on meds BEFORE things get really bad#i was planning to wait for the fall#but I’m struggling so much and I shouldn’t have to be#so. SSRI and asking about nonstimulant ADHD meds it is#the good thing is that while my self worth and competency and anxiety are in the toilet again#Im at least not feeling depressed and I’m not having all the sleep trouble I used to or the void feeling#my PTSD symptom improvement is still there it’s just anxiety and ADHD kicking my ASS
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Not getting the patience or accomodations you need as an autistic person is awful.. But on the other hand, being talked down to or treated like a child is so humiliating. I don't know which is worse for me. 😭
#Random ventish post lol#It's always in the classes with hands-on stuff that I struggle and need help ☹️#autism#Also my ADHD is so bad I'm just like a goldfish#Even on meds I fail to absorb directions at all#I GET LOST AND I'M A SENIOR 💔💔💔#Frick this stupid baka life#neurodivergent#asd#I'm actually terrified of adulthood btw#I can't drive either bro I'm cooked
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me (diagnosed with ADHD): *talks about little funny/annoying things my brain does (because of the ADHD)*
my mom (not diagnosed with anything): wow that's so funny, the exact same thing happens to me too! i've never heard anyone else describe that. so random that you get that too. genetics, huh? :))
#sure mom. funny. funny coincidence.#this happens every time i see her#it happened like 6 times today alone#meanwhile my dad and my sister are staring at us like 'your brains do WHAT now???'#she doesn't really know much about adhd#i only got diagnosed a few years ago and she wasn't part of that process at all because she was living in another country back then#and like. i've gently mentioned to her before that genetics seem to play a big role in adhd too#and that actually many people get a late diagnosis when their child gets diagnosed#and it's fine. i won't pressure her to look into it more because she's doing well!#i don't think she needs meds or therapy or whatever at this point#but i just feel like it might help with how she sees herself? because it's so deeply engrained into her that she is Not Smart???#because she flunked out of school as a teenager???#due to bad grades#and like. oh i wish i could talk to that girl#things turned out well for her and she's generally a happy person#but still. i know part of her think she's stupid. and i fucking hate that#anyway i mainly just think this is really funny when it happens#adhd#nd
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wow. not even a week into college and i'm already behind on work. fucking lovely.
#friday chats#friday vs post-secondary school#tw vent#(in the following tags)#i am immeasurably stressed right now#i need to talk to my doctor about getting a booster to go along w/my adhd meds#bc this has been a problem for a while but i think it's about to come to a head#and i'm very scared for when that happens#maybe also talk to my school's disability services#bc Good Fucking God i'm already overwhelmed#it's 11:56. should i just go to bed? i have so many things left to do#when do i even have the time to go to disability services. and i've heard a lot of schools' processes w/that are slow and overcomplicated#fuck. fuck fuck fuckity fuck.#i think i'm spiraling#i'm worried that if i don't get a degree i won't be able to find a nice enough job to support myself independent of my family#and i don't want to be stuck with them forever#i really really don't#maybe i can talk to disability services sometime tomorrow morning. see what they can do#i think there's mental health services too. i hope they're decent#i just feel really bad right now. and it's only week one.#it feels like time's moving too fast but too slow at the same time#classes take forever but my free time zips by and runs out way too quick#and when it's gone i've completed maybe one or two things. out of several. if any at all.#i just don't know what to do. it's only been three days.#maybe i can drop a class; i think i'm taking enough to still be considered a full-time student with one less thing on my plate#i hope so#fucking damn it#how do people do this??? for multiple years????#and i feel selfish for saying this but i hope if y'all see this post you'll interact with it somehow. even just a like.#i want to know someone hears me
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im so glad this is my last day of work for the week and i have monday off
this week has been ROUGH
#trying to muster up enough energy and focus to finish my current project#which isn't even that bad but i am so tired#on top of the stuff with ares#who is doing much better but is still not 100%#(plus he needs multiple meds 2x a day & absolutely hates it & im decent at administering them but my hands are so torn up)#husbando has been having a hard time getting his adhd and anti-depressant meds#like his doctor just.... didnt feel like putting in the prescription i guess#and when she finally did he was already on like day 3 of cold turkey withdrawals#and then we find out it's gonna take another two days bc the pills have to come from florida??????#what??????#but hes been a wreck the past few days and his sleep schedule is all out of whack which messes up mine#we all need a break over here is what im getting at#t: wench.txt
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it is magolor day my dudes
#magolor#kirby#sunday post#magolor kirby#cc#aci#[rare art tag]#I NEED TO GET MY ADHD MEDS SO BAD ITS SO HARD TO DRAW.
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Today I went to the gym, made dinner and cleaned my apartment all while unmedicated and I’m very proud of myself
#I’m very proud of how well I’m doing without meds#like I was nervous especially bc I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 23 and have been medicated since then (about 4 years)#so I really thought things were gonna get bad being off them for an extended period of time#but we’re actually doing pretty well like I’ve been able to do the things I want or need to do#I feel like I’ve found better healthy coping mechanisms and just ways to override the adhd and trick my brain into functioning#which is a big win for me and I’m happy that I can do it#personal#julianne speaks#adhd
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I folded laundry fresh outta the dryer tonight!!! I had folded a couple of big shirts for myself, but then got into A Zone because ADHD. If I walked away or sat down, the folding wouldn't happen. Seeing as I just had dinner and won't be able to lay down comfortably*, I opted for just folding laundry.
I FOLDED LAUNDRY!!!
Two big loads, another in the dryer, and one more that needs drying.
My ADHD let me fold laundry. Just...wow. Folks with ADHD will know how amazing this is.
Now it's late, and I get up early**, so time for sleep. I hope I can fold the last loads tomorrow. That would be fucking impressive.
#chaosfay talks#*I have GERD and can't take meds for it. the meds do something that makes my seizure medicine not work. the seizure med#comes out more or less looking the same as it did when i took the med. this means my body wasn't doing anything with the pills. i was#basically getting no seizure meds at all. i was on the GERD med for a week before i said fuck this i don't wanna die. any other med that#treats it will likely have the same effect. plus the diarrhea was very unpleasant. i trained myself to sleep on my left side and back to#keep the heartburn from happening and fucking with my asthma. if you have heartburn and find yourself coughing a lot#especially when you lay down the coughing is caused by your stomach acid getting into your trachea/windpipe. this is very bad.#laying on the left pinches the stomach closed. avoid laying on your right especially if you have a full belly. i've found it also helps to#go for a walk to do some upright physical activity to help with digestion and reduce trapped gas. if my heartburn is especially bad i drink#sodium bicarbonate in water (recipe is on the baking soda box) and my dr gave me the okay for it. it's basically baking soda poured into#vinegar but less violent and consideable burping. never do this with a full stomach because it can really fuck you up.#**i accidentally took my seizure med in the morning because i kept reminding myself to take my vitamins and my brain went into#autopilot and i grabbed the wrong med. rather than correct this i opted to get up early. my med requires i have food in my belly and#that means i must eat. sooooo i get up at around 8AM. i'm starting ADHD med soon (#my insurance refused to cover the first med my dr)#my adhd med has to be taken in thr morning and again at mid-day so again i need to get up early. my dr suggested i have nothing to eat#because citric acid/vitamin c cancels out adhd meds. so empty belly for an hour before and an hour after. 8AM and then around noon.
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i hate everything
#my back hurts so much#in part from walking for two hours on Saturday#in part bc the chiro i saw was. Not what i needed to deal with my ribs#(<one keeps sliding out and making the rest of my ribcage fucky)#in part because i am having a medication interaction#new mood stabilizers (cymbalta) + higher dose of adhd stuff (qelbree)#i am definitely having an Interaction from them plus my sleep meds (trazodone)#we changed me to an snri to see if it would help with my joint pain#(it did‚ on it's own)#but when i got my new qelbree dosage after being out for a week (the same week we weaned me off sertralin and onto cymbalta)#it went. Bad#i am in as much pain as i am during fucking TORNADOS#it has greatly exasperated my POTs#i have pt + a dentist appointment in the morning but i might now actually make them#...i can touch type but this required pecking and way more editing than i am comfortable with#also: my head feels weird. floaty like it is after anesthesia‚ but it still hurts#i keep getting like. tv static and white patches across my vision#Do Not Like That#crow.txt#gd willing i will check back in in the morning
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#day 4 on bupropion#i need to vent. bc today was mostly decent. cause at least i could control my emotions and not cry at every little thing#but ended just as badly as i was feeling yesterday. i feel rly sad rn#when im productive i feel great but when im trying to relax? i feel like i need to find something productive to do immediately.#its like i need to do everything but i have no desire to do anything#im like. lying in bed at 2 am grieving my hyperfixations hard. been crying for the past 3 hours#bc i just cant sit down and enjoy anything without feeling like im forcing myself. and i already miss feeling things when i play video game#idk if i can do the 4-6 weeks of this before side effects normalize. everyone says it gets better#and even that is making me feel guilty bc it took me this long to get help and i already want to quit on my first week#i have an appointment with my dr on friday but fuck. the last 3 nights have felt like weeks. its so hard falling asleep.#it really doesn't help that this med is making me. stupid. i have about 10 seconds worth of memory before the thought is deleted#literally forgetting what i'm talking about midway through a sentence#but hey. at least my memory is so bad i cant remember what i did today and overthink every action. i guess.#and maybe tmi. but my libido is gone... like completely nonexistent now#some people literally take this shit to help w a low libido!!! but for me it is doing the exact opposite!!! what is wrong with my body#and to top it off i can't drink even a half cup of coffee without panic attacks. i miss iced coffee already :(#cant enjoy shit anymore and my adhd feels 10 times worse than it did before bc i can't sit still to save my life.#anyway im yapping so much but i need to because im feeling so alone#some side affects im getting r common and manageable but some are pretty uncommon and its hard finding anyone who relates...
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Remembering that a 4 hour psychological test means 4 hours under the examiner's microscope. I hope they let me listen to music during a written test, but idk if that would defeat the purpose or not. I... really don't know what to expect tomorrow, and it's kind of making me a bit nervous. Lol.
#speculation nation#i dont like to be psychologically analyzed. god i just remembered i have therapy this week too.#which that at least. i mean it's uncomfortable but ultimately it's just talking.#psychological testing they are gonna be Watching me. there will be the questions but also they will be judging my actions#and im so used to masking but that would actually go against me in that instance.#and i really hope theyll let me listen to music bc 4 hours of silence sounds like hell on fucking earth.#but i dont know if that's. part of the process??? put me through stress to see what makes me tick???#my goal is to get an adhd diagnosis but im also scared theyre gonna pick up on the autism.#im gonna be honest. but i didnt plan to get the autism diagnosed bc i dont want the downsides of that#ya know. societal and institutional ableism. etc etc. they might take away opportunities from me.#but it goes hand in hand. and surely it couldnt be too bad if they pick up on it...#i could manage through 4 hours without music but itd be hard. and it could do bad things to my brain.#i think im preemptively prickling up. like a porcupine. i dont want them Looking at me.#i need to just... chill out. whatever comes will come. and it's ultimately in my best interests.#this is what i need to get my adhd meds. it'll be worth it.#..... but im also worried about what else might show up. i know i got Problems. but i dont want them to... know about them.#all sorts of awful invasive questions about me and my past.#for someone who acts like such an open book i really am so allergic to actual emotional vulnerability huh?#decent chance i'll just dissociate thru the whole thing. to get through it.#cut the emotions off. who needs em. the brain can factually answer things without the emotions' input.#anyways im gonna go do some chores. peace#negative/#lol.
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sorry for live bloging the mental breakdown guys. any fun tips for mebefore i lay in bed for several hours not sleeping?
#im joking sorry#christ i was doing so goood..... guys i promise im like pretty ok almost all the time#trudst me i overanalyze a lot#and my parents are pretty good most of the time too#i promise thats not just meplacing blame on myself lmao like for real im pretty much fine all of the time#i havent had a bad incident like this in super long like maybe a full year now#which is really good#so seriously dont worry too bad. its just. really bad right now.#the end of the quarter is coming up and i cant do my homework#im struggling so bad#and evenr then i get like straight as so like its fine overall im just struggling with executive dysfunction really really really bad#i hope this will convince my mom i need adhd meds but i dont think it will
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