#something truly horrible happens to me and literally not a single soul on earth knows it. because i see no reason to talk about it anymore.

[crazysodomite]

i think 'reaching out' really doesn't matter to me... i don't really talk to anyone if i don't have a specific topic to discuss (which i think isn't good? but it's how i operate). i think what matters to me is what a person does when i do reach out and ask for support or something.

[misinformedgenic]

The last post on this god awful blog

Hello, I ask everyone who see’s this to unfollow this blog, if you are following me. I can’t look at the reblogs and posts I posted anymore, without feeling incredibly embarassed and I know that I am being aggressive to the people who gave me notes but you know what I don’t care.

(Overall trigger warning: trauma,syscourse,swearing and apologies.)

My message for those who are anti-endogenic:

(tw: abelism,mental ilness)

The truth is, whether all systems are formed by trauma or some can be born that way or it can be formed by something else, it really doesn’t matter. All endogenic systems are just trying to exist and communicate their experiences, and instead of listening and supporting those who might experience their plurality differently from you, you just villanize them and insult them and do the exact same thing that neurotypicals have been doing to us for YEARS. Calling us fake, saying we are trying to get attention, saying we should be ashamed of ourselves for “appropriaiting” from people who had a more severe form of an illness or was priveliged enough to get a diagnosis . If you are traumagenic and you haven’t had that kind of experience, I genuinely envy you. That shit was done to me and it really hurt me. People called me attention seeking for saying I was depressed,or had social anxiety or that I was transgender, or that I was traumatised or plural when all I was trying to do was be myself openly and to accept myself. Why is it that when someone who experiences some sort of plurality and they don’t feel comfortable assosciating their system with trauma, you jump straight to accusing them of something as awful as FAKING or BEING A THIEF!

And yes I know being endogenic means it’s not an illness, but being called a fake for expressing who you truly are when you’ve been forced to hide who you are is such a awful experience. How could you be so callous and careless to even risk that happening to someone else, even once more, in this cruel world. Even if every single endogenic system, who says I can’t help being a plural, was trauma genic, they still associate themselves with that word, endogenic. When you say something horrible about endogenic systems, you are doing so much damage to those people. I mean, to assume without a shadow of a doubt that every single “veritable” endogenic system is actually traumagenic with the limited amount of understanding of DID/OSDD IN ITSELF, as opposed to how this phenomenon could work outside of a disordered framework, really shows you have your head far up your ass. But even then, it doesn’t matter because whether they ended up being traumagenic or not, according to science, no one deserves that treatment.

Even then,in regards to the post on this blog that got the most notes, we need to understand that people with plurality are forced to label their pluraility as a symptom of a disorder. Many systems who needed psychiatry and systems who didn’t and just masked themselves mingled, and they shared terms. This is still happening today, more then ever.

(Just in case you want to know, fictive is not a term used in psychology or psychiatry. It literally came from the soul bonding community, and people who are anti endogenic are still using it. If you don’t believe me use a web browser, and provide some sources to prove otherwise. I didn’t know this, and I’m not going to tag the OP who told me this,because I’m not sure whether they want to be tagged, but thank you. I felt pretty humiliated but it helped to come to realize what I was doing was wrong and that my opinions were wrong, and it helped me to become a kinder and more understanding individual.)

And we need to understand that systems shouldn’t be forced to be involved in exploring their plurality through a lense of trauma, because for many it doesn’t make sense because thats not how they experience it. Even if it is repressed memories ,sometimes or always, systems need a space to be systems without talking about trauma or applying trauma to it. DID and OSDD spaces are not providing that and in those spaces trauma is going to be talked about. Systems shouldn’t have to force themselves to think about trauma and go through pain, just to be able to call themselves a plural and have people acknowledge and accept them.

My message for any endogenic systems and their supporters:

I apologize for everything that you had to go through, from me and my behaviour. My behaviour was terrible and none of you deserved it at all. You deserve so much more than what you get from the anti-endogenic crowd, and you are absolutely valid, and I hope that in the future things will be easier all of you. You deserve love, acceptance and support, and I hope that nobody will ever be able to take that reality from you. You are doing nothing wrong by just being a plural, and it’s really sad that people were and still are fighting about this. Fuck anyone who says otherwise. 

Conclusion:

(tw: s***** abuse,ableism,self hatred)

I know I was guilty of what I criticized, and that is really embarassing, but I’m glad I realize that now. I admit I was angry because I was jealous and bitter and I didn’t understand the history properly around this community or how it formed. I went through a lot of online g******g and s***al abuse and my experience with being a system was horrible, I had to deal with alters who had horrible del****ns and wanted to incite gruesome s*** h*** and wanted to k*** me. My system has introjects of my a****rs and random men I see on the streets making pe****ted comments at me pretty much all the time, and I was really jealous of systems who could experience the joys of being a system while avoiding the horrible parts. It made me feel worthless and inferior, because all the interesting and fun parts of being a system could be paraded on TikTok or whether and displayed by people who weren’t f***ed *p and dis*****ng like I was. I am not saying that’s the only basis as to why anti-endogenics hold their opinions, but I am saying this because if you ever see those anti-endogenic posts of mine somewhere and I am very passive agressive or vicious, that’s where it comes from and it isn’t objective or fair.

end of abuse trigger warning.

I decided that I am going to delete all the mean comments I made on other people’s posts that didn’t get any response, so that not another person has to see it again, and for which did get a response I am going to apologize to all those I harmed. If you want to respond to my argument, I can’t stop you from reblogging and making a comment, and that’s your freedom on this website, but I am not going to be replying because discourse on here is so nasty and I’m just done with that. I would rather help contribute to a community of people who feel isolated and who will be empowered by building a culture around plurality, whether that be around trauma or not. I’m tired of focusing on my trauma, it’s in the past and I don’t give a shit about it. It just sucks and I hate it and I am done with it. I will need therapy for it of course,yadi ya, but in terms of my limited free time on this earth I would rather contribute to making people feel happy and supported then argue and be angry about something that is kind of pointless anyway.

So bye, I would like to make a normal system blog in the future and we’ll be using the same names but for now I need to shut the fuck up and reflect. 

- Luca

Also hey, on a additional note, my name is Milo and I allowed my name to be associated with this blog and it was irresponsible and unkind for me to do promote this kind of thinking. I am really sorry for any harm I caused by being a part of this blog. Additionally Stanley understands that his post on pride flags was inaccurate and he made some very nasty comments/did some nasty stuff to, he is very sorry to all those he harmed with his previous posts. He is in a really bad situation at the moment, which has gotten worse over time, he is a trauma holder and he is in a lot of emotional turmoil,so neither me or Luca wanted him to be involved in writing this specific post, but that doesn’t mean what he did was okay and all three of us recognize this now.

Best regards,

Milo.

[xrprainmaker]

The Significance of Being Insignificant

What is the value of one life? Do you know? Is it measured in how many people's lives we affect while we're alive, is it quantified by how much money we leave to our loved ones when we eventually all at one point or another die? Is it merely the number of loved ones we know or who knows us? Is it measured by how many likes and retweets and shares we get accumulatively on all social media platforms and when we get to the pearly gates of heaven or in some cases the rusted gates of hell going to be just yet another algorithm of the universe held over our head as either a badge of honor or Scarlett letter of failure in which even in the afterlife we will still be either praised or shunned for all the things we've either done wrong or right.. and God or the Devil Themselves will take turns choosing teams in purgatory & just like in middle school we'll either be chosen first with the "cool kids" or be picked last like the outcasts some of us already feel & we'll spend another eternity pondering the effects and affects of our decisions and thoughts and actions until we literally just become dust underneath their nails? These are the questions I ask myself in a world where killing has now become an open sport and done by people that swore an oath to protect our lives and the lives of the ones we love & the ones we don't. But for George Floyd he's life was no more meaningful for those cops that day, than the ants they probably crushed under their boots on the way to go put their knees in his throat and his head. The watched and continued draining the life from his body like a smartphone addict who just watches his or her phone drain to zero battery but is too lazy to get up and plug it into the wall. Did that police officer think he was playing a level in Grand Theft Auto? Did the surrounding policers officers who also complacently just "followed" orders and also held down & pinned him by the legs and arms and allowed this act to be committed without thought or hesitation did they also think they were "doing a good job " or were they just not thinking at all. You see you might be confused right now why I'm talking so much about the "Evil Cops" and why I'm not raving about "defund the police " or talking in a way that I have lost compassion for the cops, instead of just shooting from the hips and calling them Murderers ( which don't worry, I do believe all of them are and should go to jail, as I believe all of them are 100% guilty) . Because let's be clear - to watch and do nothing for 8 minutes straight while somebody begs and pleas " I can't breath", " I can't breath" " I can't breath" and is not putting up a fight or intoxicated or belligerent or on drugs but is just one human being begging for another human being to take notice & show compassion & acknowledge that that person is seen and heard and valued and to watch that for eight whole minutes is almost an eternity of time for those cops to have done the right thing or as Spike Lee would've said in Public Enemy " Dooo Thaaa Right Thang" and they failed, they failed with flying colors. I don't know what they got on their test scores to get into the Police Academy but to get out of it, they went out with a Bang of F's that's for sure. But I digress, the real reason I'm so interested in why NOBODY did ANYTHING even though they were in the middle of the street, broad daylight and with hundreds if not thousands of people walking by and NOT ONE, NOT A SINGLE ONE except One girl who filmed the whole thing and put it up on Youtube - tried to save this man's life or question the cops that were so nonchalantly breaking the law in plain sight, right in front of everyone's nose and the reason why it happened It's because the value of someone's life in Real life - not the after school special you watched growing up or on the multiple motivational videos you can binge-watch on Youtube or "feel good" movies on Netflix where you watch a movie with 1 black actor in it in a cast of 500 white people and pat yourself on the back because you're not a racist. Or because you don't actually call black people the N-word to their face but lowkey wonder what it would feel like if you did. Like would it be laughs and high fives like on the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" or would you get knocked the FUD out like if you were in the ring with Mike Tyson and he's biting off your ear. You see racism never went away or stopped, it just got brushed underneath the rug or the fabric of humanity we like to refer to as the "Human Existence". People like to use the word " I didn't Know" a lot in society - ever notice that - it's like the fewer fuds you give about life or the people around you the more accepted you are. Our world or simulation, whichever way you want to spin it, is built on the combined premise that showing emotion or compassion or crying is something that only "Weak" people do or a sign of weakness. But I call BS, I think that if that's the type of world you want to live in - then DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT, be walking in marches, with your fists up in the air, pretending that you have any type of allegiance with those who have lost their lives from racism or police brutality or any type of abuse for that matter where one party was "Stronger" and abused of the situation on somebody they deemed to be weak either because of gender or skin color or because they grew up on the wrong side of the tracks - Do not think that your 1 white fist in the air publically can magically erase the millions and millions and millions and millions and millions of other unknown fists that took that same symbol but in private and in the horizontal position & punched through the walls of the heads or the walls of the ribs of so many other innocent and unsuspecting lives of both young and old, white & black. That so many don't even know about and that, we'll most likely never know about because they did not have the money in their wallets or the special contacts in their phone or special certifications on their walls saying that they were somebody to be respected and thus the fight for their lives and struggle to share the truth will be buried among so many others that " lead quiet lives of desperation" as Thoreau's once said. You see what I'm getting at here is until we stop shaking our hands in frustration and anger and hatred and hostility at this police officer who did this, we will never truly understand what drives a man or men to this point of no return. Where their souls have left their bodies long before they'll ever be declared dead and how they were allowed to not just roam the streets but to rule the streets with a clad iron fist and destroy anything and everything they touched because they themselves, can no longer feel. You see this to me is the even scarier part. I'm not happy that George Floyd is dead or that he had to die this way, but in reality, if those cops hadn't killed him, how they did George Floyd would just be another African American Man that led a quiet life of mediocrity instead and now his face and his name is known all over the world and his legacy that he will leave to his family in some un-ironic, ironic way because of all of this will be of nobility and peace even though he was caught trying to buy things with fake money and that's what led the cops there, to begin with. To me, this just goes to highlight every relevant rule of life of Yin and Yang and that even in the best people there is bad and even in the badest people there is good. To me is this right or is this wrong to say, that's not up to me to decide, but it's the truth and the truth is hard to digest for many because it's not like a placebo, laced in sugar and will slowly rot your teeth and your brain. It's like a shot of Tequila either your system can handle it or it can't but either way, you'll only find out once you try. Try to see things from different angles, try to listen to a different perspective and try to understand, that no one is born 100% evil, I believe that evilness is learned and that even though the absolute last human beings on the face of the earth that you or many others would deem worthy or deserving of compassion right now or a voice or somebody to listen to them, I would say, it's that cop/cops that killed him. Why? Because as heinous as it is what they did, is that I also envision those same cops as young kids, running and playing and laughing and waiting for the weekend to play "Cops and Robbers" and how do you go from that level of innocence to this? Was it a gradual chipping away at their souls like water drop Chinese societal torture device, or did something cataclysmic in their youth or adult years happen like their father or uncle showed them how to hunt a deer when they were just 8 or or or... You see to me " an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" or in this case and many, many, many other unsolved cases- it's worth a literal pound of flesh and until we as humans and society start truly asking these hard questions, of ourselves and all other people who make up this world, we're just fooling ourselves into believing change is happening or that #BlackLivesMatter - because black lives won't matter until #ALLLivesMatter - including the lives of these horrible - soulless police. Rest In Power Mr. George Floyd

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/G_GyEL-R_Q8" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe> N.B - I've never met you but I can tell you your life even after you're gone has and will continue sending Ripples throughout the world. Martin Luther King Stood Up To Fight Bigotry - Rosa Parks sat down to fight against segregation and I'm sorry you had to roll over and die to fight against racism 15 - 20 years later - You deserved better and so does this world & hopefully one day in the future it will be considered "cool" to have & heart and show compassion - but the now jaded adult inside of me says " don't hold your breath"

[emotional-support-demon-crowley]

I can’t stop thinking about Good Omens...

SPOILERS AHEAD. This is mostly based on the show though I’ve read the book many times over the years. Though it’s not the point or the purpose of what follows, you could boil this whole theory down to ‘god shipped an angel and a demon so hard she made the earth and humanity so they could meet and fall in love and then she created an ineffable plan in which they also managed to save it’.

So here goes. Both Aziraphale and Crowley are very different from their respective counterparts. 

Aziraphale is genuinely nice and agonizes over being good and doing the right thing when all of the others of his ilk that we meet really don’t. 

There’s a lot of evidence that Crowley is basically the same. Sure, he rolls his eyes at the other demons methods because they aren’t thinking big enough, but really, I think he just can’t stomach targeting evil towards a single individual. In truth, he’s pretty appalled when he encounters the evils dreamed up by humanity. And yeah, he’s stylish af and full of bravado, but that just makes the rest of the demons resent even him more.

So one day, bam! god creates the earth and both heaven and hell have the same thought. They both independently seem to have said to these misfits, “We have a very important job for you. The humans must be monitored. Go very far away from us and keep tabs on that. For 6000 years.”

So Aziraphale and Crowley show up on earth and I think in general they’re thrilled to be away from the repressive, toxic environments they came from. But they’re still fundamentally lonely.

From this perspective, their first conversation in the garden is so perfect. They are both adorable cinnamon rolls that are starved for attention and desperate for camaraderie, so Crowley decides to just strike up a conversation. What has he got to lose? And they both seem sort of excited/amused that they have a pleasant interaction. It’s probably the best conversation they’ve had maybe ever based on all the other angels and demons we meet. 

I think it’s very telling that Aziraphale never admits to anyone else that he gave the sword away. He tells Crowley, one of his mortal enemies, after like half a minute of nice chit chat. And he gets all happily flustered when Crowley, despite the light sarcasm, says that he doesn’t think Aziraphale could do the wrong thing. This is in stark contrast to how he’s treated by everyone in heaven who constantly reinforce that he’s not measuring up to angel standards at every turn.

This scenario would explain why neither side really seems to check up on them. They’re reporting back, sure, but no one is bothering to verify facts on either side. Crowley does make the presentation about the highway, but honestly, that really looks more like hell’s monthly mandatory torture luncheon than an actual exchange of information. Everyone in attendance looks like their soul is being crushed, their brain is about to dribble out their ear, and they are keenly aware that they are currently in actual hell.

So Crowley and Aziraphale progress through all of human history and they just keep meeting up. And sure, maybe they disagree a little on their fundamental view points, but the interactions are always respectful and pleasant. Before long, they begin to do a series of increasingly large favors for each other.

In the church, Crowley set the rescue into motion, but he relied on Aziraphale to actually keep him from being discorperated. We know demons don’t trust each other, but Crowley has perfect faith that his angel will go against what heaven would expect him to do and save them both. And while we’re here, I’ve seen a few posts implying that Aziraphale might struggle if forced to chose between books and Crowley, but when the literal bombs were literally falling from the sky, we all saw where his priorities were.

I’ve also seen posts that propose the theory that Crowley didn’t realize he loved Aziraphale until he lost him, but I don’t think that can possible be the case. In my mind, Crowley realized what Armageddon would actually cost him well in advance. When he’s gently prodding about no more old book shops or classical music, he’s actually trying to get his angel to think about what else he might never see again. When he’s talking about how horrible eternity in heaven will be, the worst detail is who it will be spent with or in this case, without. Crowley isn’t trying to manipulate or trick Aziraphale into saving the world, he’s trying to get him to realized that the end of the world is the end of their relationship. That might feel like a stretch at first until you consider that as soon as Crowley accepts that saving the world might not be possible, he immediately goes into panic mode and suggests they run away together. Crowley has realized that Armageddon is going to rip them apart and take away the only place they’ve ever been happy. No matter which side wins, they’ll both be facing their own version of hell - spending all of eternity suffering because they can’t spend it together.

This explains why Crowley is so set on convincing Aziraphale that the two of them have to reject their origins and chose each other. When he says Our Side, he isn’t talking about their arrangement, or rebelling, it’s about the fact that all of heaven and hell put together does not deserve either of them. And that’s why he becomes so agitated when he gets shut down. Aziraphale has that moment where his voice catches when he tells him “You can’t leave Crowley” like he felt a pang of that same sense of loss, but he still hasn’t thought through the larger implications because he’s still so sure there must be a way to stop it.

And then Crowley tries again and fails again and responds in anger again. And before he can try a third time, he loses Aziraphale.

I agree with the theory that Crowley has some supernatural method to kept track of Aziraphale. His frequent last minute appearances are too timely to be pure luck. So when he gets discorperated, for the first time in centuries, if not millennia, there’s silence. 

This explains why Crowley gives up. Because Crowley wasn’t fighting to save the world. Crowley was fighting for a safe place where he and his angel to continue to exist together. Without Aziraphale, there’s no point, the thing he feared most has already happened.

Which also means that everything he does once his hope is restored, he does for love. He sacrifices the Bentley for love, because deep down some part of him had to know the car would never be the same after what he was about to put it through. And yeah, he mourns it, but he doesn’t go to a bar and give up on stopping the end of the world because it’s gone.

And he recognizes Aziraphale instantly, even in a different body. Initially I assumed angels and demons could just see and identify soul, but based on how they resolve things in both heaven and hell no other angels or demons posses this ability. And Crowley compliments the outfit! Considering this is probably the first time Aziraphale has worn anything that isn’t a shade of white since the French revolution, it’s just a terrific example of positive feedback and support.

And then somehow, they manage to succeed. Apocalypse averted. And when Gabriel angrily asserts that everyone knows who is responsible, Crowley grins like a silly, love struck idiot. Did he just save the world just so he could stay with his angel? Hell yeah! He’s proud as fuck.

But then he feels something gut wrenching and he realizes that they saved the world, but they won’t survive to enjoy it, and Crowley gives up again. I imagine somewhere deep down he had the horrible, tragic thought that at least this time he wouldn’t be left alone - they would both die, but his suffering would be brief. And then Aziraphale threatens to never speak to him again. And Crowley’s brain does some math: 

Dying together = We are FUCKED! 

Dying together while Aziraphale is refuses to speak to me = No, fuck that noise!

Crowley is inspired and the world is well and saved, for now anyway, He FINALLY gets Aziraphale to agree they truly are on their own side, so they prepare to face the combined wrath of heaven and hell. During the proceedings, they both have a moment and it looks like fear, like they’re gathering themselves for the grisly end they’re about to face - until you know about the switch. When you consider they are both fully aware they aren’t facing any danger, I think that moment is actually both of them processing not only the fact that this could have been how they lost the other, but also that this is the shitty way that the person they love and cherish more than the entire world itself has been treated since the beginning of time. I’ve re-watched it a few times and I like to think I see anger and that sort of hopeless empathy feeling you get when you wish you could undo the pains someone you care about has already felt.

So yeah, I think the ineffable plan was that god decided all those ass-hat angels and demons who only wanted a war deserved to be disappointed in the biggest way possible, all except for these two lovable cream puffs who decided to chose love instead. Also, Crowley could have avoided a lot of wasted time, heartache, and shenanigans if he’d just said “I love you, angel, and the thought of being separated from you is more painful than anything I ever experienced in  hell.” But honestly, I kind of love that everything they do whenever they’re together basically screams how much they love and care for one another without them ever actually saying it. 

[dust2dust34]

Breaking Point (Olicity, S7 spec)

Summary: Everyone has a breaking point.

A/N:  This is a silly fic that I wrote last night. I really wanted to write something for Season 7, and I did a dumb thing in Blood Hands so I was jonesing for something else to dive into. Then I saw a prompt and, well, here we are. This is a silly fic, but it's also got serious undertones based on what we've seen so far for Season 7. So it's not totally light, but the subject matter is light!

(Read on AO3)

*

“It’s a good thing,” she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut. “It’s good.”

But it wasn’t. It was bad, so bad she was three seconds away from screaming her throat raw.

Except it was a good thing, and that only made it so much worse.

Oliver had been out of Slabside for three months now, three of the hardest months of their lives. That she could think now that without crying was a minor miracle. How many more times would they be expected to go through literal hell? How much longer could they survive getting ripped apart, yanked further and further away from their Happily Ever After? Their world had seen more shattered pieces than whole ones and it’d only reached a new low when Oliver had gone to prison, leaving her alone and so angry that she nearly lost herself along with everything she held dear.

They’d survived it, though.

Barely.

It hadn’t taken them long to discover that getting back to each other had been the easy part. The outside forces bearing down on them had absolutely nothing on the bleak desolation of trying to reconnect again only to discover they’d both changed, irrevocably, and that no matter what they did or how much they wanted it, there was no going back.

She’d lost count of how many times they talked about throwing the towel in.

But at the end of the day, that wasn’t who they were, and it was that sheer stubbornness that was saving their marriage. They’d learned the hard way that it was connections like theirs - the love they shared, the life they had created together - that kept the darkness at bay.

While they still had moments of weakness, they never let go of that, or each other.

But everyone had their breaking point.

A deep, rending snore echoed from her husband’s side of the bed.

“Oh my god,” Felicity groaned. She pulled her pillow around her head, shoving it against her ears. His next one was even louder and she swore her pillow vibrated with the force of it. “Oliver.”

He didn’t wake up.

Never in her life would she have guessed that Oliver Queen snored. Probably because she had never heard such earth-splintering noises come from him in all the years they’d known each other. His bed had been throwing distance from her desk at the old foundry, and not once had she heard a single peep from him. She barely heard him breathing, much less making sounds that resembled a wrecking ball smashing their walls in. So no, snoring had never been on her list concerns when it came to this man.

It wasn’t until they were a few months into their lives in Ivy Town that she first heard just how loud he could be at night, and it hadn’t taken her long to deduce why:

He only snored when he was really, truly asleep.

When Oliver let his guard down, when he relinquished control, when he completely relaxed, that was when he snored. It had become her secret barometer for his current state of mind - only when some part of him deep down reached a certain brand of contentment did he fall asleep like this.

Another snore split the night air.

It was sweet, in a very annoying sort of way. She loved that she gave him that peace, that he was comfortable enough again to let go, falling into the kind of sleep that was more coma-like than anything. He was safe with her. She was his home, as much as he was hers. It really was sweet, so much so that she’d actually missed it, had even cried herself to sleep during those months when he’d been at Slabside, knowing that she might never get to hear it again.

All those tears had come back in a happy deluge when he started snoring for the first time in years a few nights ago.

She’d woken him up with a mess of kisses, needing to show him how grateful she was. Not only did she have her husband back, in their bed, in their home, their family back together, but it also meant that all the turmoil they’d been dealing with since he got out was starting to abate.

But then it’d happened again the next night… and the next… and last night… and tonight…

His next snore razed the frayed edges of her sanity.

Whimpering, Felicity turned away from him, burying her head under the comforter. She counted, sang a song, tried to distract herself with Smoak Technologies plans, stared at sheep jumping over a fence, shoved her fingers in her ears, nudged him with her foot, rolled into him, yanked his pillow out from under his head, trying to dislodge him so he could at least snore quieter…

But it didn’t work.

She stacked the pillows over her head, shoving them down as hard as she could.

His snores sliced through the pillows like they were tissue paper.

Felicity snapped.

With a sharp, “Oliver!” she kicked the man she loved more than life itself as hard as she could.

Oliver jerked awake with a bleary, “Wha…?”

He shot up, his hand finding her hip, making sure she was okay as he scanned the room, looking for danger.

She ignored him completely.

“Ooh,” Felicity moaned. She actually moaned. She should probably care that she’d startled her husband like that, and she would in the morning when she remembered all the renewed nightmares he still suffered from, but the silence that followed was just so blissful. She came up from under the pillows with a desperate, “Oh, that’s so much better.”

He grunted. “Snoring?”

The word was so thick with sleep she barely understood it.

Her groan was answer enough.

The mattress bounced as Oliver laid back down. He snatched his pillow back before scooting over and plastering his chest to her back. He wrapped her up in his arms, snuggling close. When he pressed his face into her hair, breathing her in, Felicity sighed and leaned back into him. She was annoyed, and tired, but he was also her husband and he felt so good. His limbs were heavy with lethargy as he kissed the nape of her neck with a murmured, “Sorry.”

“I’m really glad you don’t have that stupid beard anymore,” she whispered. He gave her an amused huff. “And yes, snoring. It’s horrible. This is the fourth. Freaking. Night, Oliver. If you drive me out of this bed, I will never forgive you.”

“I’ll stop,” he promised, the words slurring together, both of them knowing he could, in fact, not.

“If you can do that,” Felicity said, covering his arms with hers and snuggling back against him, “I will definitely, definitely make it worth your while.”

A lazy grin pulled at his lips and he nuzzled her with a low, “Oh yeah?”

“Oh yeah,” she confirmed, nuzzling him back. As they relaxed into each other, she closed her eyes, giving into her very dire need for sleep. “So worth it. You won’t be able to move when I’m done with you.”

“That sounds good to me…”

His words drifted off and a second later she followed, both of them falling asleep this time.

Until he started snoring again, right in her ear.

“Damn it, Oliver!”

...

When Felicity walked into their bedroom the next night, something waited for her on her pillow: wax ear plugs.

“What are these?” she asked a sheepish Oliver.

“I mentioned to John that I’ve been keeping you up and after laughing at me for five minutes straight, he told me his dad had the same problem with his mom. He said he lived by these.”

They worked. Felicity slept through the entire glorious night and when she woke up the next morning, it was with a huge grin and plenty of energy to make good on her promise. And, just like she said, it did take Oliver several hours to crawl out of bed when she was done with him.

*

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! Reviews literally feed the soul and muse.

[garethito]

You know... I've been meaning to ask you about this for a while, and yesterday's tag thing that you did with those Bale gifs only like... fueled? My curiosity? Lol, if that makes sense. Could you like... relive? The Champions League final from this year for us? Like, your perspective on it? Or maybe even the actual whole day of the final? Sorry, God, I know this is weird, but I just love how you tell stories from your life! I have seen you do it with some other anons once!

First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH for this like, you guys always send me such interesting questions and Im so??? and OMG no this is not weird stop this is such a wonderful question to ask!! And omg you liked how I told the stories to those anons that is so sweet thank you so muchhhhh ❤️❤️💝❤️💘💘💞💞💘

But also this is making me really emotional I dont think I will be able to write this without tearing up but here we go!!! I was at school today and we had a special day so we didnt make any classes, so I had time to formulate an answer to this, and to complete it at home 💞

Quick WARNING?? Yes I am perfectly aware of how crazy and overdramatic this whole story sounds, but the thing is that this is how I truly feel about this day in my life. So yeah lol. Football is basically my life!

I would like to start this by saying that the day of the 26th of May 2018 is the most important day of my entire life as a football fan. There is nothing that could even come close to this. Absolutely nothing. Never in my life have I cried like in that night. Never. Absolutely never. I have looked at my life as a person, at my hardest times, when I cried a lot, but not even that can even slightly compare to the amount of crying that I have done on that glorious day of May 7 months ago. When I say crying, though, I dont actually mean crying, no. I mean violently sobbing, screaming at the top of my lungs, shaking and feeling numb. But in the best way possible, the happiest tears that I ever shedded.

My actual perspective, like you said, though, starts from the 2nd of May, a day after our semi-final second leg against Bayern. From that day, until the 26th, my mind, my body, my soul only thought about the final. I could not even focus on the Clasico on the 6th, neither on the last La Liga match. I was so fucking nervous, words are not sufficient to describe….. At least once every 2-3 days I would go to the bathroom with severe stomach aches and sit there until I would try to calm myself down so that my grandmother wouldnt get worried. I thank God, the Universe, or whoever you think invented life for the fact that highschool had nothing special during that period, just a few tests, that I got the best grades on, because had there been something big, I would have surely failed. That was a nightmare. Just think about it. Horrible La Liga season, then those fucking shaky as fuck second leg matches against Juve AND Bayern. I was literally so pessimistic that I am scaring myself right now thinking about it. All these bad scenarios played through my head ”What if Zizou loses his job? What if this will be the start of our downfall? What if this is the last Champions League final we will play? What if, what if, what if….”. I always tried to tell my brain how stupid I was, that we are Real Madrid and that we will win, like we always do, that we are the best fucking team in the Universe and that nobody even comes close to being like us. But its like these voices in my head wouldnt stop, it was so scary.

Come 25th of May I was an actual lifeless corpse. No matter how much I tried to call my best friend, who was in Bulgaria at that time, and telling her that I cant take this anymore, and her telling me that its going to be okay like it always is, that she doesnt really know my team well but she knows we will win, no matter how much of that was happening, I couldnt fucking stop being nervous and constantly thinking about this match.

On the morning of the 26th I woke up with a severe headache at about 8:30-9 AM. The only things that I remember from that whole day are the constant empty feeling, the amount of times I listened to Hala Madrid Y Nada Mas and the amount of pictures, videos, promotional/support videos I saw and watched. I called my friend one last time and I told her that now I am optimistic, that we will win.

My whole emotional state was ruined, however, by Gareth not starting. I dont need to explain the whole February-May Gaz-Zizou situation because I think everyone knows it too well by now and what I fucking felt about it. I have never been so enraged in my entire life. After all he has done, still no place in the starting XI. Though, this is pretty much the only thing that has ever angered me about Zizou. I love that man too much, I dont think there will ever be a coach that will ever come close to him, a coach that I will ever love as much as I loved him, but this whole situation really, really angered me. As I said, not going to get into details, I think that is enough. Though, I tried to only focus on my hardly achieved positivity about the match. 

The match started and my emotional state reached its lowest point. I couldnt take it anymore, I felt impossibly sick from being so nervous, I got the most severe migraine ever, my eyes were literally about to pop out ugh again, remembering that gives me chills. Dani got injured, and I got angry again, because he didnt deserve it, the World Cup was literally about to start like God give this man a break!!!

Halftime at 0-0, my optimism grew, believe it or not. I felt like we will have more urgency in the second half and that we will win this.

The second half came, with me just desperately hoping for a goal. Because we were playing so well, we deserved a reward!! And it did come, with Benzemas goal, God I felt so relieved and happy. I have seen people saying that his goal was not good but? You literally take everything that is being offered to you in a Champions League final! He scored, he gave us a goal, we were 1-0 up, and I was literally screaming from joy, I was shaking so much and I was the proudest person alive. God, I love my team. Then, Liverpools equalizer came. I didnt think anything of it. I wouldnt get rid of my optimism. I was looking at my boys and I knew we would win.

And Oh My God, here we fucking go. 

Minute 61. Gareth comes on. I was so grateful that he at least got to play 30 minutes, I literally only wanted to see him. At that time, considering everything that was happening, I was already emotionally starting to prepare for his departure to another team. I was watching him in those moments, flashbacks through my mind of all the glorious times I got to see him, all of his goals, everything.

And then…

All of a sudden…

62:58

That moment. The moment in which my soul has definitely left my body. The most beautiful moment I have ever lived in watching football. The moment in which I was the proudest person alive. A moment I will never, ever, ever forget, for as long as I get to live. The moment I have literally seen history being made, right before my eyes. The moment in which I literally evaporated, left the Earth, idk how to explain this but I hope you understand me. My idol, that had suffered so much that season, scored a fucking bicycle kick in a FUCKING UCL FINAL. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. The happiest, most full of joy, best, most emotional moment. Ever. No exaggeration.

My perspective on this? Oh well, brace yourselves. If you think everything that I have written so far seems insane, get ready for this.

I was on my bed, watching the game, shaking. I saw the passes, beautiful passes, that ended up with Marcelo controling the ball (incredibly, as he always does, my Brazilian sunshine). I saw him swaying to the side, and then passing a high, aerial ball in the box. Gareth came up to meet it, with… a scissor kick. That he scored. I literally fucking exploded like there is no other word. I jumped off my fucking bed and I ran literally across the house and came back, making the most inhuman noises ever I swear. I came back to my bedroom and I collapsed on the floor and I literally started fucking bawling my eyes out, and even that seems like an understatement. Screaming at the top of my lungs, bawling my eyes out, literally all of it happening on the floor. My grandmother literally came in and she thought something happened to me, but then I just pointed to the screen and she understood lmao. And from that point onward I cannot say anything anymore, because I dont remember anything else but me on the floor, literally. After like 15 minutes I hardly even managed to get back on the bed, and guess what?

82:41

AGAIN. 

A

G

A

I

N

???? I dont know what to say anymore. Like he literally toyed with everyone that night, he didnt care about anything. Again, with a pass from Marcelo, he literally goes from FAR FAR FAR away and he shoots and… scores?? How much do you think my poor fragile self can handle? Like, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU SAY TO THAT?? Except for bawling your eyes out even more, if thats even possible? Its been 7 months and I still dont have words for what happened that night, like 2 goals ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? LIKE DO YOU UNDERSTAND I WAS LITERALLY DEAD LIKE ??? I LOST EVERY SINGLE BIT OF MY SANITY THAT NIGHT. 2 goals, 2 goals in 20 minutes, he was about to get a fucking hattrick. A fucking HATTRICK IN HALF AN HOUR, but Karius unfortunately stopped that shot.

The match ended and… I dont remember anything other than barely seeing the screen, I literally had a blurred vision.

We fucking won it. We DID IT. THE DECIMOTERCERA WAS OURS.

In the moment in which Sergio lifted it I… I dont have words, did I go into another Universe, did I ascend, did my soul leave my body I dont even know but what I do know is that I spent the rest of the night, up until like 6AM, crying my heart out. And this is what I mean by ”I have never cried so much in my entire life”. Like I have never spent a whole night crying.

I went to bed at like 6:30, woke up at like.. 10?? I think you can imagine how I woke up, I literally felt like I was going to die but I spent the rest of the day catching up on everything that happened the entire night.

And then, of course, the celebrations, Cibeles, Bernabeu… of course your sensitive girl bawled her eyes out again lol!

Every day ever since it happened, I have always been thinking about this day. About all of it. No point in counting how many times I rewatched the goals lol! But I think you can imagine haha 💘

So yeah, this is pretty much it DSLKFDKJFKDFJKDFK. The story about my best ever day of watching football I made it unecessarily long (Im so sorry). I think the only conclusion that I can get from this is Hala Madrid Y Gareth Y Nada Mas lol! 💘💘

[yuki-d-raizel-blog]

Hero

Chapter 37/37 [LAST CHAPTER]

Relationship: Todoroki Shouto x Reader (Your/Name), (Full/Name)

Summit: It all begin at the Sports Festival when Shouto’s other half met Endevour by mistake. The student never thought to see his partner fight against his father just to show him that he is wrong. It started from that instant, Shouto’s new path started exactly from that moment thanks to his friends and his beloved one.

---

<<She still refuses to use her full power... That girl is so rebellious.>> whispers Khrome hitting the floor with her heels.

<<You are forcing her.>> Recovery Girl expresses her thoughts, <<She is still a kid, you shouldn't press her so much. We saw her ability and strength->>

<<I apologize if I sound rude, but after looking this, you will base your planes against our enemy with that level of strength.>> says the woman back, <<He's not like that, he doesn't let the enemy move, he ends the match with the same speed she attacked Erased Head. You will be dead without even knowing what happened or why. She is too soft, she must be eviler.>>

<<But if I understood right, using all her might brings back bad memories. As a doctor, I can't let her mind be broken like that.>> the heroine is serious, but Khrome hardly heard her words, she is thinking a way to put you on the edge and force you to use at least your 70%.

The high priestess pushes the button again and speaks through the microphone, <<What are you doing? You are a villain and your worst enemy appeared, why did you run away?>>

<<I think... I’ve destroyed too many things and hurt too many people for my flavors...>> you whisper, but thanks to the high technology of the Yuuei, even the littlest sound can be picked up by the microphones.

<<Do you understand that during a war, the voice of the single soldier doesn't count anything?>> everyone stares shocked to Khrome, how dare she to say something like that! <<Finish your enemy like Seatiel would, I need that level of power.>>

<<I can't hurt All Might-sensei... I showed how strong I can be, you are satisfied, right?>>

<<I am disappointed. You are much stronger than this, show it. Show that you can kill him with a snap of your fingers, show that against Seatiel, the Symbol of Peace is on the same level as the dust in the wind. Kill the hero to let the darkness win.>> Shouto and Izuku see that your eyes and body are trapped inside a spiral of fear when the word "kill" reached your ears.

"K-kill...? " you’re losing your composure quickly, something bad is rising inside your mind, <<I-I can't... He is the Symbol of Peace, he must stay undefeated... He can't fall... not for someone scary and ugly like me...>>

<<Khrome-sama, you're going too far!>> Ran shouts angrily, <<(Y/N) is aiming to->>

The screens reflect that All Might found you and destroyed the building, but you managed to escape just in time to the next one. The roof shows to her all the destruction she did, increasing her fears inside her, that are becoming stronger and stronger that she can barely control them.

<<Do it.>> Khrome keeps pressing you since she saw that is working well.

<<He's injured, I can't-!!>> you immediately close your mouth with both hands, you regret with your soul what you just said, if he didn't say anything about it, it would remain a secret, but you just revealed it.

The number one hero hits you hardly and sends you against the building that collapse for the huge power and pressure. The teacher is sad, he doesn't know what to say to the girl, she hasn't any way out, if she fails, the entire class is going to pay the price, if she wins she would do something that clearly doesn't want.

<<What a horrible face, young (Y/N).>> says All Might looking at her crawling to escape from a few ruins. She’s keeping all her emotions inside, her face is painted with the blood as her hair, her eyes are red and watery...

<<All Might-sensei... is a dear memory of my mother and Yamato... Someone really important to Izuku, Tenka and all the people in this country...>> you say hiding your face on the ground, <<I can't lay a finger on him...>>

<<Young (Y/N), do what you must do.>> says the professor, supported by the principal that joined him, <<If you don't do it, your friends will be involved. Don't think for us, show to us how strong is->>

<<I won't!!>> she screams scratching the ice with her nails, <<I look like a demon... I’m scary, people insulted me... I worked so hard to change the image of my stupid quirk, I trained myself to not depend from it... Why all my efforts are being crushed so mercilessly? I don't think I did something bad to deserve it...>>

<<(Y/N), we thought to put you in the same team with Bakugou and Midoriya, but your aunt suggested this.>> says Nezu sit on All Might's shoulder, <<If I knew that this would bring you so much pain, I would never accept it. You are always so collected, strong and reliable, we thought that you would agree...>>

<<Everyone always says that, stop to repeat it... I'm the weakest person in this world...>> you say holding the ribbon on your hand, <<...The only strong thing in me, is this quirk... I'm childish to not show what a powerful danger is our enemy, I'm a liar because I hide everything... I'm trustless because I broke all my vows and promises... I'm dumb because I think that the lives of thousands of people are less important that my own image... If I use my power now, the only thing of me that isn't break, would be destroyed.>>

<<Your quirk isn't scary at all, young (Y/N).>> says the living legend, <<It's just shockingly powerful.>>

<<Would you say those words even if show how horrific I can become?>> the girl looks into his blue eyes with a sorrowful expression, <<Nobody can understand how ugly, unheroic and terrifying is this power...>>

<<HA-HA-HA! Show it to me then, I'm All Might, I never give up and there's nothing that scares me!>>

<<You wouldn't hate me after it? You wouldn't be scared of me and insult me as if I'm a monster...?>>

<<Of course not. What stupid things are you saying?>> Nezu smiles at you, <<We’re heroes, no matter how strong is the opponent, we must stand and fight.>>

A dark fire rests on your back, painted with all the colors of the others, your eyes are surrounded by red veins.... Wait, have you unlocked the same mode you had at Hosu? Nezu leaves everything to All Might who takes some distance from you, since his instinct is saying that.

The building that crushed you become mere dust. Finally, able to stand up again, the fire explodes vigorously and starts to assume an animal shape.

<<I pray to you, my god, who destroys all things. Lead me from the highest heavens, and grant my tiny body the almighty power of the divine.>> the black flames are becoming stronger and bigger that if you wouldn't keep yourself up in the air, you would be in the hole that your fire created, everything is pulverized even being near the darkish heat, <<Descend from the heavens and rule over the earth! Wake up, War God's strike, Ash Crow!>>

The giant crow rises monstrously, its fire covers your arms and legs forging black feathers... A swing with your hand towards All Might, an enormous amount of black fire is running destroying everything on its path. The field is literally teared apart and the ground is shacked by the falling of the establishments that couldn't stand anymore due to the lack of their base.

<<That was close....>> says the hero with a low voice, he's honestly shocked of what you can do with a single movement of your hand. Your power is so similar to his, it is just in a different form.

"If anyone has the right to be called a hero, it's not the one who took up the blade, it's not the one who raised the shield, nor the one who healed the wounded." you move your fiery wings and climb the sky slowly, as if you are recomposing yourself, "Only one who truly risks his life may be called hero. Protect your friends, save the girl and face the danger. It doesn't matter if you fall, it's fine. Cry your heart out over it. Within the defeated, a victory waits to emerge."

She disappears behind the cloudy layer, All Might can only wait that she attacks, he can't reach that height, even if he could, he doesn't know where the student hid. Everyone stares at the screens anxious, what she will doing? Shouto bites his lip and prays for you, he knows what your fears are: being rejected by everyone, the risk to hurt someone that you love, you said those things to him earlier... But as Izuku, when you activated that beautiful mode to call Ash Crow, a light shined inside your gaze. You managed to find your will to fight again, something or someone made it happened, so Khrome says for the last time to her guests to watch your next moves, because those will be the nearest level of strength of their enemy.

"Stay true to your wishes, cry out your desires, and if you do... That's what will make you the coolest hero, am I right, Yamato, mom?" the sky shows a few shadows here and there, that quickly painted the clouds like a canvas, and a deafening bell sound shakes the air. It's deep and pierces everyone inside, building up a strange feeling.

And suddenly, your voice echoes through the exam field.

<<Let your longings burn, scream out your wishes!>>

[DONG! DONG!]

The sound of the bell became so strong that the ground shacked and forced All Might to take a step back. The clouds are lacerated by a darkish light and your figure descends like a fallen angel. Those colorful wings, your appeal, your voice, everything make you look like an angel send from the heaven to judge the human race. The shadows are charging with some sparling and shining tiny spheres, and the more the time passes, the more the light becomes bigger.

<<This is bad!>> All Might immediately runs away looking for a shelter.

<<Show the stardust light of the galaxy and destroy my enemy!>> you raise the arm and low it down quickly, <<Galaxian Rain!>>

All the shadows turn into a portal which hurls thousands of black-blue and thick needles destroying everything that was spared, the school ground shake hardly as if there is a true earthquake, even the main building isn't left unharmed by those waves. Everyone kneels for the strong waves while the sound of the broken ice, the broken rocks, the dull sound of the impact with the soil destroys their ears, their eyes locked on the screens capturing the thick lay of dust that is forming all around the field... And then, the absolute silence.

Touching the ground again, you stare in a precise position, where All Might found a shield, he understood that (Y/N) wouldn't hit or involve the teachers, so even if wasn't a very heroic gesture, he used his teammates as a shield.

The student snaps her fingers and all her beasts show themselves within all their glory, but they immediately turn into various strips of clothes that are covering your body like an armor.

<<What now...?>> the living legend can't even touch his enemy, those black flames would pulverize his flesh.

<<Fearful beasts of the universe, live inside me and grant the will to not wake me up again!>> your voice is so hoarse that seems an angrily roar from a furious monster, the black ribbons are surrounded by red lightnings and upholster all your body, a few ribbons are left untied on the waist, your hands assume a clawed form, your eyes are snake-shaped with a deep blue shade laid on a black background, your teeth are becoming sharper and longer, on your face appear a few feathers, on your head there are the horns of the Ba'al fusion, <<Fiery Sins! Demoniac Armor!>>

"I admit it, that's a little creepy." All Might charges with his unbelievable speed, but his powerful punch is fully blocked by the girl's forearm supported by the other arm. The air pressure makes you slide on the ice, but the number one hero is not gonna win over you.

<<Please forgive me, All Might-sensei.>> you hit him with your strong kick on his side and send him far away from you, leaving the audience literally shocked. Not even Midoriya managed to move All Might with his stupid powerful quirk, and now, with just a kick, you.... you... Kirishima overcomes the shock with a joke, he said the truth when he confessed that (Y/N)'s kicks are strong as fuck.

The hero and the villain start a wild match but is clearly as the day that the teacher is losing. He can't hurt the student due to that unbreakable armor, and her strength is really so strong that it reminds him his own quirk. After a few minutes, All Might kneels to find the energy to stand up again, and that's there when (Y/N) bends down assuming a feline position, ready to kick the ground and throw herself towards her prey. The parts of the armor laid on her legs and arms are shining, charging the force for unleashing it soon...

<<This is the level of power that our enemy has, more or less.>> Khrome points at the screens while her guests and the class are immobile due to the shock, <<Fast as a bolt, unbreakable as a dragon, heart cold and smart as a solitary wolf, strong as a god and prideful as a lion.>>

In a blink of an eye, the top hero finds the girl half way from him and that speed change took him off guard.

<<Enough!>> Khrome's voice stops you just in time.

Your punch is a few millimeters from All Might's forehead and the air mass that you move, is even stronger that your teacher did before. It completely broke the walls that delimitated the field and went through it for a few kilometers until it lost the power and disappeared.

<<Have I your trust now, gentlemen?>> Khrome smiles amused, waiting to explain what will happen to the future, while everyone keeps staring at the immobile (Y/N) and the kneeled Symbol of Peace.

If the enemy is like that... What they can do to defeat him and bring the peace back?

---

Hi guys, it’s Yuki again! Thank you so so much to have read this story of mine until the end! I’m really glad you like it either, it’s a win-win, yay! ㄟ(≧◇≦)ㄏ 

Some of you guys, asked me if there’s a sequel or something, and actually, YES, there is a sequel of this story, I’ll write down my ideas and soon I’ll work on it. Don’t worry, I have a few stories ready to fulfill the absence of this one.  (◕‿◕✿)

Once again, thank you guys so much until now, I send you a lot of love, hug, kiss, whatever the f- do you want I’ll send it to you with all my heart and soul!  (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

See ya!  ✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ:* \(◕‿◕✿)/ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 21.5, 22, 22.5, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36

[supertam87]

How are you still a fan of Sam after all he's let happen to the fandom and to shippers in his name? You haven't personally been hurt by it so is it easier for you to ignore and pretend none of it ever happened? I'm struggling with my feelings about him and would love your insight.

As I have always said, I fan how I choose, and do my best to allow others the same privilege. If anyone reading this thinks I am talking about you, I promise you, I’m not.

I am sorry that there are people in the fandom who feel hurt. Its a shame that that was the result of something that should have been a fun and light-hearted experience. Please, however, don’t make assumptions, even posed as a question, such as ‘You haven’t personally been hurt by it so is it easier for you to ignore and pretend none of it ever happened?’ You don’t know what I have and haven’t been hurt by in this fandom, or by whom. I’m not pretending or ignoring anything. But I’m also not letting things have more presence in my life than they deserve.

You ask how I can still be a fan of Sam. First of all, I don’t believe that Sam did anything to fans, or allowed anything to be done to fans. I’ll talk more about that later. Even if I believed Sam did do something, that still doesn’t require me to stop supporting him. There is no one on this earth who has ever hurt me as deeply as my husband. No one has ever hurt him as deeply as I have. We don’t set out to hurt each other, but life is messy and people are imperfect. This is why I work every day of my life to practice the brutally hard art of forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t an ‘If/Then’ equation. It’s not, ‘If this person is submissive and humble and admits all of their faults, then I will forgive.’ Forgiveness is a single party activity that is not dependent on any other person’s actions or opinions. I can forgive my husband when he hurts me because I choose to, whether or not he has asked for forgiveness. Forgiveness is for me, not him. Forgiveness makes me a better, happier, stronger person, more in control of my life. Let me ask you a question: Why would I NOT forgive my husband? Why would I hold on to anger, hurt or frustration? How would it benefit me? What would I get out of it? Heartburn, high blood pressure, anxiety - I don’t need more of that in my life. Besides, I know my husband is a really, really excellent man. His list of positive qualities is miles long. But he is imperfect, as am I. I forgive him, he forgives me, we focus on being better, learning from our mistakes and reveling in the soul fulfilling joy we find in each other. That is not ignoring or pretending, that is choosing our own happiness and health in spite of the messiness that is sharing life with another human. We are all responsible for our own happiness and happiness is a choice. My life is far from perfect and far from easy, but I am a generally happy person because I choose to be. Even if he did do something which hurt me (he didn’t), I can choose to forgive and move on. How can I still be a fan of Sam? Because I choose to be.

You ask how I can still be a fan of Sam after all he’s let happen to the fandom. He didn’t let anything happen to the fandom. We are not some unified group who get together each month and read the minutes and faithfully follow the bullet items on the agenda. Fandoms are very fluid bodies. There is no entrance exam, or document to sign, no oath to swear or dues to pay. People come and go as they please with no explanation due anyone at any time. Therefore, there is no control over what happens in a fandom at any given time, and my perception of this fandom is completely different from another fan, who may not be on Tumblr, but is on Twitter, or who is on Tumblr, but we have no followers in common. There are the Instagram fans, the Facebook fans, the multi-platform fans, the book group fans - and in each of these areas there are subsets of fans such as fanart, fanfiction, shipper, non-shipper, gifmaker, video maker, live tweeter, sam fan, cait fan, toby fan, graham fan, duncan fan, etc, etc, etc. There are thousands upon thousands of people who consider themselves part of this fandom. There are subsets of this fandom I probably haven’t even conceived of. We couldn’t possibly all share the same experiences, even in the same fandom, because there is simply too much diversity on every possible level. Therefore it is literally impossible for anything to happen to the fandom. You believe that something terrible happened to the shippers, but not even that is possible. Who are the shippers? Am I one, do you know how I categorize myself? We are all in control of our own experience. Sometimes that means not engaging or blocking, muting, ignoring, biting your tongue and generally not paying attention to people who don’t deserve your attention. It’s not Sam’s job to tutor us all about how to successfully fan, and it’s not his job to soothe ruffled feathers when one person hurts another person. How could he even begin to know? There are two sides to every story, so even if he was made aware of one side, what about the other side? We are adults. Our problems are our own. Not his. He has enough problems.

Again, you ask how can I still be a fan of Sam after everything that was done in his name. I don’t buy it. I refuse to hold Sam liable for other people’s actions. They are responsible for those actions. I am a Christian. I do not condone the thousands of years of atrocities that have been and continue to be committed in Jesus Christ’s name. I’m pretty sure He doesn’t either. I’m pretty sure Mohammed and Allah and myriad other well known figures don’t condone what was/is done in their names. I also believe that you are making assumptions about what Sam has condoned and what he hasn’t, what he knows and what he doesn’t and what his responsibilities are. Some people see malice where others see sarcasm. Some see apathy where other’s see focus directed somewhere else. We simply don’t know what has gone on behind the scenes, or what people really felt, thought or did. If someone was a horrible bully or troll (and there were several someones) that is on them. They made bad decisions. Really bad decisions. I do know that no one was required to engage with anyone else on Twitter or any other platform. Lucky for me, it isn’t my job in life to judge other people. My job is to do my best to be a good person and be good to other people. I believe we should try to lead by example. I am a fan of Sam because I don’t believe he did anything or allowed anything to be done to fans.

Do you really want to know why I am still a fan of Sam? You think you’ve been hurt by him, or someone associated with him? You think this has caused great distress in your life? Maybe it has. Here is something I know about Sam. His dad left him when he was three. Three years old. I have four kids. I know intimately what it’s like to have a three year old. I know how much they need. I know what it takes to raise a boy to manhood. It’s not easy. Sam had no contact with his dad. None. No advise, no outings, no support, no role model. He had no father. I’m sure this hurt him deeply and continues to hurt him. After years of absolutely no contact with his father, they were reconnected. His dad was dying of cancer. He did not push him away, tell him to die alone, tell him that he left so there could be no relationship, or any of a million other things he could have done. He chose the higher path. He traveled to see his father. He truly connected with him. He learned about him. He go to know him. He offered him love and support as this flawed man was dying. In short, he offered at least some form of forgiveness. I’m sure it was hard for him. I’m sure there were many horrible things he wanted to say. Maybe he did say them. But we know from his own words that it didn’t end on a horrible note. It ended on a positive, healing, healthy note. That’s pretty remarkable and admirable. That’s just one example out of many that illustrate why I think Sam is worthy of my attention. He is a good man. He is generous with his time, talent and wealth. He cares about people and he isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty in the process of helping others.

You are absolutely not required to be a fan of Sam. It’s a supremely optional activity. But my question for you is why would I NOT be a fan of Sam? I have yet to hear a single person give me even one legitimate reason why I shouldn’t be a fan, considering that I should probably hold him to the same standard to which I hold myself. We’re both pretty flawed, messy humans. Isn’t life grand?

[slayxwolf]

Isaac Lahey Imagine- If I Die Young

Masterlist

Request: Can you do an imagine where the reader is dating Isaac and when they’re fighting the Nogitsune she dies instead of Aiden. Sorry if this isn't a lot to go on I’m just in the mood for heartbreak. 

Word Count: 2,377

The last day of your life, at seventeen. Death is unavoidable, but it came too soon for Y/F/N. Of course you knew your time was limited, like everyone else’s on earth but yet still it’s a shock when it happens to the people we hold close to our hearts. You never know what day could be your last and sometimes that never quite sinks in.

“I'm here to save my best friend” Allison said firmly, you’d always admire her for her strength. “Remember what we agreed?” Isaac asked sternly. “I'm not waiting in the car, I'm not sitting around doing nothing while two of my best friends are in there dying!” you exclaimed, forever feeling like a liability. “I promised to keep you safe, get in the car now!” he shouted. “You know what, fuck you Isaac!” you didn't know where that anger came from, but you knew deep down he was doing the best he could to protect you. Regardless, you stormed back into the car and slammed the door shut, Isaac locking it behind you. He blew a kiss at you through the window, you rolled your eyes but pretended to catch it anyway with an involuntary smile on your face. They all then split off, some to find Lydia and Stiles, some to help fight off the Oni. You were sitting in the car for what seemed like hours, hearing the sound of growls and swords. That's when you saw Ethan, Aiden and Derek walking towards Void Stiles, who was guarded by more Oni soldiers. “Silver kills them!” you heard Allison shout, but you noticed the other three didn't hear as they began to fight. Without hesitation you began to pull on the door handle but you were completely locked in. You noticed one of the windows at the back was slightly open and so easier to break, you climbed over and began to kick it with all your force until it eventually smashed. You then proceeded to climb out, ignoring the cuts you got from the shattered glass. You pried open the trunk of the car and took out one of Argent’s guns and ensured you picked up the silver bullets, you loaded it before following the three of them. 

“Y/n! Get out of here!” Derek shouted, as a sword sliced his back. You ignored him and ran down the stairs before shooting the Oni in the chest and watched as it immersed into green smoke. The four of you shared a small moment of optimism and hope, until the worst thing imaginable happened. “Y/n move” Aiden shouted, but it was too late. They watched as a sword was being pulled from your stomach, before Void Stiles and the remaining Oni disappeared. Derek managed to catch you as you fell to the ground. It didn't hurt and that's what scared you. Allison and Kira ran down to you all, both of them beyond devastated by what they were seeing. “Oh my god” Allison gasped, covering her mouth with the sleeve of her jacket as she stood there crying at your motionless body. Lydia’s shill scream echoed through the heads of the werewolves, before her, Scott and Isaac ran out of the building. “No” Isaac said with a weak whisper upon seeing everyone crying around someone. “NO!” He shouted as he ran down the stairs to you. He dropped onto his knees as his heart sank, he cradled you in his arms as Derek stood up. Scott and Lydia walked over hand in hand, joining the others during such a sombre moment in all of your lives. Your shaky hand reached out and cupped Isaac’s cheek, as his tears dripped down his face. You smiled softly, but this time it was different, your face smiled but your eyes did not. “Please don't leave me” he cried. “I love you, Isaac Lahey” you managed to say. “I love you” he said softly as you took your last breath. He began screaming your name as your eyes fluttered closed, he clung onto your body until he had to be pried off hours later by the paramedics, but it was already too late. You were gone. 

Isaac slowly approached the front of the church, a crumpled piece of paper in his hand. He unravelled it and swallowed thickly before beginning the speech he never thought he’d have to give for the girl he loved. “The hardest part of losing someone isn't having to say goodbye but having to live without them. Spending the rest of your own life, trying to fill the void and emptiness that's left in your heart as theirs stops beating. Before I met Y/n my life was grey and I was lost in an abyss of nothingness, but she brought colour to my life and feelings I thought I'd never experience and now I watch as that colour slowly fades back to grey- because I'm nothing without her. Death no longer scares me, but a life without her does. Believe me when I say, not a second goes by where I don't think about that day. The day I lost the one person that has loved me as much as I loved them. Y/n gave me so many memories, some of my happiest and saddest but I wouldn't change a single moment of them. I wish I would have told her this while, while- she was still alive. Death leaves a heartache that no one can heal but love leaves a memory no one can ever steal. I love you Y/F/N, I always have and I always will and I hope you find peace and a way to forgive me” Isaac began to get chocked up, until he couldn't say anything more. He wiped his eyes and left the stand, hanging his head with the emotions he felt.

When Isaac arrived back in his seat, he zoned out and remembered the exact moment he realised he loved you. His dad had just beat the crap out of him and you heard from next door. You opened your bedroom window and climbed onto the part of the roof that connected both of your houses together. He was already sitting there, his head in his hands. You didn't need to say anything, you just needed to be the shoulder he would cry on. “Shhh” you soothed as you heard a sob escape his mouth. “I hate him, so fucking much” he whispered harshly. “Come on” you said, lifting his head up. “What?” he asked, looking at you quizzically. “We’re going out” you told. “It’s 1am?” he said confused. “So?” you said with a smirk, taking his hand and helping him up. He shook his head and smiled, before going down the drainpipe. You followed shortly behind and he caught you as you got close to the floor. “Where are we going exactly?” he questioned. “Anywhere” you claimed. 

After half an hour of aimlessly wondering around the streets of Beacon Hills you came across an empty park, you’d been there a few times when you were younger. You guided him over to the swing set and sat down, gently rocking. “Y/n” he suddenly said, you could tell by the tone of his voice that something was bothering him. “Yeah?” you asked, looking at him. “You’re the only person that's been there for me, through all the shit that's happened in my life and I don't think I’ve ever thanked you for it” he rambled. “You don't have to thank me, because I know how much it means to you” you smiled sympathetically. Sometimes his eyes reflected the sorrow he felt and it was truly upsetting to see. “I'm always going to be here. Forever and always” you continued, a promise you made when his mom passed away. In that moment, he realised something that had literally been staring him in the face. “I love you, as more than a best friend” he randomly blurted out. You couldn't ignore the goosebumps that rose on your skin or the missed beat by your heart as you stared back at him. “I do too, but-” you began. “But as a friend” he finished for you, as his head dropped. “As more than a friend actually, but we’ll never be anything more” you claimed, sadness in your voice. “Why are you afraid to love me? Because everyone else I've loved dies, moves away or ends up hating me?” his biggest fear was always rejection. “I’m not afraid to love you Isaac. I'm only afraid to lose you” you said softly. “You won’t lose me, we’ve been best friends for years and you’ve still got me” he cupped your cheeks gently. ”I just don't want things to change” your voice cracked as you looked up at his eyes. “Change can be a good thing” he barely finished his sentence before you pressed your lips to his and wrapped your arms around his neck, like you were never going to let go. It was worth the wait, but who knew he would be your first and last love?

With the last of Lydia’s strength through all of her hurt, she stood up and approached the front with Allison. You had been friends forever and it was a horrible feeling having to let go of someone you thought would be with you forever, with the supernatural involved or not this was never how it was supposed to end. They began their speech together, taking it in turns to say something about your loss. “Your life still matters, even when you're gone. Y/n still matters, she always has and she always will.The good die young because God needs them. He needs her but so do we, I need her. Goodbyes hurt the most when people leave without saying them, and we all have to learn to accept that we’ll never hear one or have the chance to say goodbye for the last time. She was too pure for this hell we call life, but she was also too young to be taken so soon in such a tragic way. Today is one of those days where I wish I was a little girl, who could just crawl into my mother’s lap and cry until the hurt goes away. But I cant and even then I don't believe the pain will ever go away. Y/n was a beautiful girl and I know she wouldn't want to see us mourn forever. She was a firm believer in moving forward and as hard as it is, we have to try and do the same, if not for us then for her. Her memory will forever live on and a piece of her extraordinary soul will be embedded in each of us. Thank you” Allison and Lydia were unable to fight back the tears as they walked back to their seats. They took their places beside Scott and Stiles and every pack member was met with their memories of you playing over in their minds, for the rest of your funeral.

Four Months Later

Lydia finished arranging a bunch of your favourite flowers on your grave, before standing up and meeting Allison’s tight embrace. There everyone stood: Scott, Stiles, Kira, Lydia, Allison, Ethan, Aiden, Derek- and Isaac. They visited you every chance they got, sometimes they’d visit on their own and talk to your gravestone for hours or they’d bring a fresh bunch of flowers. “I miss her” Stiles announced. He smiled for a second, remembering the time you would make him dress up as a princess when you were little, despite his protests. “We all do” Scott continued, remembering all the times you’d let him vent his anger to you, just before a full moon, to stop him from doing anything crazy. “Are you guys ready?” Kira asked softly, she hadn't known you long but you had a huge impact on her life. They all said goodbye to you, before heading back to their cars. “You coming?” Derek asked, noticing Isaac was still kneeling on the floor. “I’ll meet up with you guys later” he said. He waited until the others left to place a necklace down. Before you died, he had one engraved to celebrate your anniversary but he never had the chance to give it to you. For months it was sitting on his desk, but his grief was eating away at him. He stayed there for hours after. Some people thought Isaac never got over your death, others say he never will. But for now he clung to the image of being reunited with you one day, where you will be together. Forever.

I don't know if I like this, thoughts? Requests are closed for now x

[sigmaoath]

I have left the hell I was imprisoned in only to place myself in a prison that has become hell. There is no escape. I try to do right and end up in the darkness every time. Soothing words and cute cliche phrases that are the verbal comparison of a kitten hanging from a tree with an uplifting phrase fall deaf on my ears. I have tried. I have tried again. Then I tried again.

and again.

and again.

and again.

and every time it ends in a moment of success followed by much more failure.

I receded into the shadows and let others lead the journey but I see now that I must step forward and be the captain of the ship.

I cling to values and ethics but am quickly realizing the futility in this. I must tear the neck from those around me and take the feast I want from this world. Too long I have been “the nice guy” and overly patient. Too long I have allowed others to spit in my face. Too long I have listened to others tell me I am the bad guy or it is my fault when life chooses to batter me to the ground. Somehow it is always my fault. Too long I have sacrificed. Too long.

No more.

Nice guys truly do finish last. You cannot be “nice” and win a comfortable position in this life. What does it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul? I do not want to lose my soul, but I cannot believe that to have that I must suffer horribly every single day until my final breaths. I cannot buy into the vision that God would play such a cruel joke. The joke of suffering sadness, loneliness, depression, financial despair, and struggle and being totally miserable during ones entire life just to finally reach the Pearl Gates and then be happy. I do not seek debauchery and indulgence on this earth. I simply seek happiness and the feeling of being safe and sound. The feeling of knowing I am financially covered, that I have a group of like minded people I enjoy being with as friends, and that I am truly living life to its fullest and making great memories. Nothing more than any of us want. Yet so many of us are denied this, no matter how hard we “try to do the right thing”. I am one of those. I always have been. I have fleeting moments of joy and brightness, always followed by crashing despair and depression. I have things happen that give me the false sense of “maybe things are finally turning around for me” and every.single.time. it is followed by failure and situation and humans who dash it to the ground with laughter.

So I’m done. I’m done trying to “be a good little boy”. I am not evil. I don’t seek harm on others. However, I no longer play by the rules and regulations forced upon me and ground into my brain all of my life. This time I have to do whatever is good for me. This time I have to go for what I want and leave everyone else in the ditch on the side of the road. I am not here to help. I am not here to be a hero. If it does not benefit me somehow, I am not interested. I always make everyone around me mad when I do anything. Now I do not care. I literally do not care what anybody thinks of me anymore. I have ALWAYS been a disappointment to others around me, so why should this be anything new? I keep trying to APPEASE everyone around me and it always ends in being taken advantage of, being spit at, being yelled at, and being cast out. So if that is the game and that is the way it is, then I will no longer take my beatings and just “try again the next day”. No. No more.

I am disgusted by society. I am disgusted by how humans act. The moments of kindness and love I see are always a drop in the ocean compared to the tidal wave of rotten, selfish, insensitive, and evil things I see people doing more and more every day. The lawmakers have gone insane. The world is changing for the worst. People have become nasty and vile little demons who commit the most heinous acts of villainy every single day and then broadcast it for the world to see. The world laughs, applauds, and shares it with others. It’s all a big joke to them. People are being destroyed and the world just laughs.

So while I do not seek to be EVIL by any means, I will take what I can from these people. I do not know how. I have no master plan of financial success. I have no path to changing how I feel and how I get treated. All I know is no more. It’s my turn to reach my hand in the cookie jar and TAKE, TAKE, TAKE. No more giving. I am taking. I have done nothing but give all of my life. Now it is time to be ruthless, cold, and driven to do what must be done. By any means necessary. Good boys don’t win. Good boys end up in dead end jobs being abused by their superiors because they know how desperate you are for a job to pay your bills and survive. They know they have you by the balls. Good boys end up in debt trying to stay ahead because they dont make enough to survive on, even if theyve worked as hard as they can and followed all the rules. Good boys end up alone with no real friends. Good boys end up going to sleep by 9pm on a weekend every time because even their partner isnt interested in them anymore. Good boys end up being forgotten in a nursing home because they ended up living an unspectacular life leaving no mark on the world. Good boys die with regret. Many will rail against this statement and call it false. They will give examples of good people that were successful. I can almost guarantee that those “good people” did less than savory things no one knew about to get an extra edge here and there in their climb to a comfortable place in life. Regardless, that is their life. Not mine. Kudos to them. It never worked for me. And all I care about now is ME.

i used to despise the “mememe” people. But those are the people that get the jobs. They get the promotions. They get the money. They get the awards. They get the free rides and winnings. They get the opportunities. They get the first place in line.

I have always given of myself and I always end up last. lost. disrespected. unappreciated. cheated on. cheated in general. laughed at. mocked. left out. held back as the toilet cleaning chump while everyone else is pushed forward to success with a letter of recommendation.

No more.

Yesterday while at work I finally just snapped. It wasn’t loud. It wasn’t even noticed. But in the middle of conversation about my situation, something in me broke. Usually I feel this way when I’ve just had enough, and I always come around later that day or by the end of the week. I felt it break this time. Whatever singular cord that remained that kept me a decent person just frayed and frayed and yesterday that final thread just quietly popped loose. I lost myself. Everything that I am is dead. It happened in a split second. I stopped the conversation, said, “it doesnt even matter”, and sat down. I took about 3 breaths and realized I was no longer the same. i will appear the same. I will still carry myself very similar to how I always have. I’m pretty sure of that. But I’m not the same. And no matter how much people are “worried about me”, this time I don’t care. OH WELL. People had ample opportunity to treat me decent and show me some common courtesy and respect. Don’t back pedal now that I’ve crossed over. It’s too late.

I broke yesterday and it changed me. I cannot survive like this. I wish a quiet and quick death every single day. I am not the type to bring it on myself but I wish for it. I see now that I am in the dark despair and hole I’m in for only a couple of reasons. One, I am sick and tired of struggle and that means I am tired of not having more than enough money to cover all of the pitfalls and problems that keep showering down on me. Secondly, I am tired of the disrespect. I am tired of being an outstanding human being who has given so much to others only to be pissed on and laughed at. All of my life. I am tired of working so very hard to finally do the right things and “be a responsible adult” only to have it go unappreciated when it is for others and marginalized when I announce my successes and goals reached. Truly, I have learned that most everybody out there are, well, selfish axxholes. I have been trying to please self centered narcissistic shxtheads. I have given and given and given to these parasites who will continue to take, take, take until they drain the very will to live from me. Because thats exactly where I am at. And if I dont change and become someone else, and walk a different path, I will be dead before long. I cannot take much more. I really cant. This life has been horrible. This life has been fleeting flashes of joy and happiness smothered by horrible situations and outcomes. People have become awful, gross, and disgusting things to me. I used to be so very outgoing and now I just want to shut the world out and have everything I need delivered just to avoid being in society. The ugliness of people has become a sickly, sweaty, acne covered, mucus dripping hug that wont let go when I step out into it. I watch people and I am physically sickened by how they act, how they treat each other, and how disgusting their mannerisms are. I am equally disgusted by how I personally get treated. So no, I dont believe I can survive here much longer if I don’t do something different. Because the old ways did not work. I am in pieces and have lost my will to live. I have lost my desire for hobbies, adventure, and laughter. I feel like the walking dead and the only emotion I have left is anger and rage. So no more. I don’t know how this is going to go.I don’t know “what to do”. I just know that yesterday I snapped and something that cannot be fixed and replaced broke. Today I realize I have to become a wolf among wolves. I have to fight my way to the front. No rallying battle music. No hero shot. No mighty knight overcoming his enemies for the win. Not that kind of fight. I have to rip the necks of those around me out. I have to do whatever is necessary to win. I have to start doing my own taking from people until i see what I want from this life. I have to stop worrying about other people and their feelings. I have to stop PROTECTING everyone around me. You’re on your own. Nobody ever reached a hand out for me when I was drowning (well, twice to be fair, but 2 out of THOUSANDS? Horrible odds.) so I am not here to save anyone else. Actually, most anytime I HAVE reached out to save others, somehow, yet again, I became the bad guy and people hated me. So sink for all I care. I am here for me now.

I will either win or I will die. One must come soon.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m done.

I’m finished with being nice. The line from the Batman movie rings so amazingly true to me today - “You either die the hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain”. I cannot sum it up any better. We grow up wanting to be Batman. When grow up though and go through dealing with people and life - we really start to sympathize with the Joker.

“ The Joker: Don't talk like one of them. You're not! Even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me! They need you right now, but when they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper! You see, their morals, their code, it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these... these civilized people, they'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve.” I’m not crazy. I’m not “emotional”. I’m not a monster. I’m just tired of letting all of these “civilized people” eat me and my soul for their own worthless gains. Time to catch up and then get ahead of the curve. I have figured people out. And the result was not comforting or good. Humans are awful beings with sparks of decency, if at all. I’m tired of the bad guy always winning and I am left losing. I have zero agenda other than me winning. And I will take it by force if necessary. I will burn those around me if they deserve it (Again, I’m not evil. I’m not out to hurt innocent people). I will throw people under the bus. I will not be loyal to people who could care less if I died today. I am going to get what I can. I will be first in line. I will be first in life. I will snatch the candy from the baby if thats what it takes. Death to the paladin. It is time for the rogue.

I’m tired of being shxt on. No more.

[rcknfw]

https://weheartit.com/articles/321272613-to-my-dearest-friend-who-i-hurt-terribly-and-miss-so-badly?

Hi there. We've spent so much time together, yet I don't know how should I start this letter to you. I am still heartbroken now, but that doesn't matter I don't think back to the days and night we spent together, laughing and enjoying each other's company, just being ourselves and having a great time in general. Every now and then it just crosses my mind and all I get to feel is disgust for the things that I've done to you.

I'm sure you are something great and wonderful on this earth, you've been so good to me, forgave me every time I made a mistake, you've been there for me every single time, no matter how bad I hurt you or how wrong I was about the decisions I made. You have been there when things went wrong, you went through hell for me, I made you do that. Yet no matter how much pain I brought to your life you have always been there for me, you've always stayed. You have treated me like I was made of gold, like there was nothing greater than me in this world even when I let you down, even when I acted completely silly and childish ; and that says a lot about you. You accepted my flaws and you always came back, no matter how we argued and that's something very rare nowadays. Your friendship has painted glorious colors in my life and it has lifted me higher, made me see the world in a different way, it has changed me, helped me grow, it was definitely a blessing.

You may think that letting you go was something easy for me to do, or that I didn't even think about it when it happened, and I don't want to lie. That is somehow true, because when you left, I was, already, so heartbroken that I completely refused to think about it and decided to ignore it. You know I've lost two amazing persons I had in my life and it was awful, devastating for me so I was just in denial. I remember we tried to say goodbye to each other more than one time but when it actually happened, it really hurt. It was awful to see you leaving me at that time in my life, as I was still struggling to live, to cope with the great loss of a very loved and meaningful person I had in my life back then. Yet I cannot blame you for leaving me because I know at that time it was bringing you more pain than happiness seeing me in that state .

I don't think you're told how wonderful you are enough. You have so many things that distinguish you from the others, it is so cruel that you don't see that. I think most people use to take you for granted, you are much more than you actually think you are. There's no one like you. Not a single soul out of the eight billions on this earth are as tightly bound to mine as yours used to be. It's crazy how we used to share things and create wonderful memories together. You've been a great person to me, so kind, caring and patient with me, you always returned to me even when I pushed you away, and you never truly left, you always stayed there and dealt with my bullshit. I genuinely think people around you don't appreciate you enough for who you are and what you are doing for them . I know the last time we spoke your life wasn't as exciting and great as I'd want it to be, I remember a lot of shit was happening to you, yet I couldn't do anything to fix that, no matter how much I wish I could've. I truly hope that everything's fine in your life at the moment. I know you are going to meet someone else, eventually and you are going to be doing great with them. You will shine brighter than you ever did with me, while I was still in your life and I am sure of that . You've been a gift from God for me, but so much has happened and I couldn't deal with everything. I regret losing you so much but somehow I've come to realize that you had to leave because you definitely deserve so much more than I have to offer. I do believe you will meet someone else and find happiness once more.

Indeed, I never planned to let you go but unfortunately it seems that I am not the one for you.

What I would like you to understand now is that I didn’t mean to hurt you in any concrete form of the word. I am deeply sorry for the way things turned out to be, I am sorry it was impossible for us to stay friends, I am sorry I couldn't keep such a precious person in my life, I am sorry for the way I have treated you, I am sorry for falling so badly for someone that wasn't you. Never in a million years, in any condition you deserved what I have done to you and now, when I think about it, it just brings disgust and antipathy to my life. I can't bear the thought of what I did to you and how I treated such a gentle soul. Sometimes, I do hate myself and I think that I deserved losing the one I fell for so deeply. Sometimes I believe it was karma I think the worst part about words though, is that you can’t shove them back onto your mouth and down into your throat. The way it ended between us was unpredictable yet so inevitable. You are a good person and I’m sorry that there was ever a time when I did not let you live up to that standard.

I've been such a cruel woman to you, yet I acted like a kid, no one deserves to feel what I've made you feel like. You have been so kind and gentle with me, but I acted literally like the most heartless human there is, you never deserved what I did to you, and I deeply regret the moment I came back into your life and made you leave everyone for me.

There are so many reasons why I should stay out of your life now, and that's why no matter how much I will miss you, or how strong my feelings for you will be, I will never return to you considering how much pain and sorrow I bring to your life. I wish I had the right words to tell you how horrible I still feel about everything that has happened between us, but the feelings are so overwhelming that it makes me feel like I will never find the right words to describe it.

I made mistakes that were beyond stupid, I should've told you I was falling for someone else..I know that you think back to the things I've done and it makes you hate me now, I am aware of the damage that has been done but I want you to take into consideration the fact that I was damaged as well.I just want to say I'm sincerely sorry for putting you through so much shit.I thought about what I've done and it's made me miserable for the past couple of months, I just want you to know that I still do care about you and I'm not as careless as I seem. I’ve been terribly wrong to be so inconsiderate and act the way I have. It's been so hard to but all my feelings into words but I hope this will be the last time I will write or reach to you.

Finally, I am wishing you the best and I pray and believe you'll get it because you're such a fascinating person who loves so deeply and with so much passion. You have been an amazing person and I will never be able to put into words how grateful I am that once I've met you and there was a time when I had your love and friendship. Yet I took you for granted and you didn't deserve it, at all. All I've got to say in the end is that it was worth it and that over time, you will heal. Your constant tears and sadness will eventually evolve back into smiles and laughter, and please believe me when I say this, because it is not poetry. I am sure you already realized that your life does indeed move on with or without me in it. You love and you lose, but it's always for the better. It takes a lot of time to find the value in pain, but once you do, you will realize that the impact that a love has on your life will last forever.

You may have come into my life for what only felt like seconds, but you left a mark that will undoubtedly last a lifetime. I was not made for you, and how I wish you could forgive me that I couldn't lie to you, I couldn't act like everything was right when it wasn't. There was a wall between compassionate and passionate love, there was a difference between what I felt for you and what I felt for him . He hasn't stayed that much time in my life, he hasn't been there when things went wrong in my life but still I did love him with passion and that passion is never going to die. On the other hand. you did all the things he didn't. I had more time to spend with you than with him and you proved me that you're a great friend and lover and whoever gets to have you will be a very lucky person. Please understand that I will always respect you and you will always have a bit of my heart, but I couldn't have lied to you and told you I've loved you as I've loved him. These are two different types of love, yet it doesn't mean I'll ever stop caring about you.

So for that, I thank you. I wish you had stayed. but I do understand that it was meant to be this way. I thank you for teaching me so many valuable lessons, for helping me see the world in a different and better way; for appreciating the littlest things in life and for never taking things for granted again. I wish you all the best. So please, hear me out, for the last time in a lifetime: always embrace your feelings and love with all your heart, body, all your existence. Love with all your soul and mind, no matter how much it'll hurt in the end. I don't think I will ever understand the way you loved me but I am sure that it was strong and deep and beautiful. Please never try to get rid of the feelings and emotions you have in your heart, acknowledge them. Loving so deeply is what makes the one so special, pure and worthy of appreciation and respect; I strongly believe this is what makes us beautiful and passionate. I can assure you, if it'll end, you'll say to yourself "for this type of love, friendship and experiences, life is worth living" . Life is made for these beautiful, great, lovely yet very painful experiences. Love with all your soul and mind ! Your beauty will grow with the passing years as you let yourself see the charm and elegance in things, people, fall for them, and love so deeply. Always forgive and be full of passion. Please never forget the things we've done, the days and nights we spent together, the experiences we both shared and the memories we created.

And so though you may not always be in my life, it is a fact of life that most people won’t be. But to the ones who come and go, it is the ones who leave a part of them with you that matter. The ones who come and go, but also choose to allow a piece of their heart to stay forever.

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone. Passion will meet love and and it will bring you to your most vulnerable state, yet it will make you feel the strongest you've ever been. You don't have to search for it, passion will find you, open your heart."

[randomlyritchie]

Definition

Lately… I find that things are not effecting me in the way they once did. It’s a bit startling when this first starts to happen. I want to talk about this for a second. I truly believe that certain things can become a part of us through certain seasons of life. For example, anxiety or anger can become a part of you due to a crazy situation. If you go through the process of healing & cleaning, these things will start to fall off. It may be a slow process…but it is a process that happens when you continue to seek elevation in your soul. I used to be D E E P L Y depressed. It was really, really bad. I mean, I spent many years of my life not even wanting to live. I was in an immense amount of pain. Nevertheless, by the grace of God, I’m not in that place anymore. I do struggle with depression…I’ve come to accept that this is a real condition…but it doesn’t control my life anymore. I actually have no real desire to die anymore either…but it took YEARS for me to get to this point. Even writing these words makes me want to cry. I have come SO FAR as a person. I fought to live without even really knowing what I was fighting for. It has been a really hard journey…but I wouldn’t be me without it. Anyway, to complete the point I started with…is just to say to embrace the healthiness. It’s crazy to say…but when you are in dysfunctional cycles…the absence of them may seem weird. It’s kind of like a diet. Not eating your junk food may make you feel like you don’t know what to do with yourself in the beginning. Health brings a lightness that might be unusual at first. I can remember watching Oprah’s Lifeclass & her saying it is okay not to be loyal to the dysfunction. That is something that has always stuck with me. Filling up on the “junk food” of life may be less bland at times…but it’s bad for you in the long run. It’s never too late to change. Maybe you were brought up on a lot of “junk food” (literally & figuratively) as a child…but as an adult you truly can choose a healthier way. It can be a really hard journey…and you may falter at times. However, if you stay committed…I know you can win. Anyway…I kind of want to talk about definition a little bit. I feel like for the past decade I’ve been going through a stripping of sorts. At first…I felt as though God had taken everything away from me. This was a HUGE part of my depression. I truly could not understand why I was alive. I felt so betrayed by God. I mean, I literally felt like everything was GONE. I’m gonna be honest, some things still are so very lost. Nevertheless, I’ve learned that my existence on this earth is not defined by anything but God. I feel like we are born into this huge world that dictates who we should be. Within these worlds are our own personal worlds with even more demands. Then there is our soul that was ultimately what was given to us. I’ve come to realize that whether you are born rich or poor…there is still a lot of pressure to become all of these different things. I feel like being a girl who grew up with no money…I always felt like I wanted to live this sophisticated life. I didn’t have many positive male role models so I hated men (to an extent) & just wanted to be this independent woman. Every time I felt for a guy…I felt like I was betraying myself. I didn’t go around sabotaging relationships & such. It was just a feeling I had. Brokenness & having to be brave made me a tough chick. I used to never tell friends I loved them. I’d just be like: “you know”…that was my “I love you”. I was so set on being this big entity because I felt like it would somehow reconcile all of my pain. I mean, I always dreamed of being in the arts…but I just felt like being this rich independent woman (who still secretly fell for guys) was the thing. So…what happens when nothing happens? What happens when you STRUGGLE to get through college & you don’t get one single job? What happens when you don’t get to move to your dream city & start your dream life? What happens when you fall into a horrible depression & are a shell of yourself? What happens when broken relationships break even worse & eventually become nothing? What happens when you never get the guy no matter how cute, glamorous, sweet, not sweet, stand offish, not stand offish (and whatever else I’m supposed to be) you are? Praying for a husband does not always work like you think, ladies. I’ve been praying for that since I was in my 20’s & no I did not go around sabotaging all these relationships. It just truly did not happen for me. At some point I really did stop hating men (or fake hating them). I’m chalking it up to my weird personality. Idk… What happens when you don’t get to be a mom? What happens when it just doesn’t happen? What happens when everything feels like shattered glass & you are naked with the brokenness that you never quite succeeded in getting to cover? Exposed wounds hurt. Growing at what feels like the speed of a turtle hurts. Peeling back layers hurts. Fighting with God HURTS! Not getting to become a dysfunctional woman with dope threads, jobs, houses, & cars hurts. I didn’t willingly go on this journey. I was just trying to follow God. I thought being perfect would get me this “blessed” life. Well, this is where I ended up. Skeptics would pick my life apart & that REALLY used to bother me. What I know is that I have truly tried in every aspect of my life…in some ways to a fault. I’ve learned that following God will bring you to where you need to be. The truth is this: The woman I was seeking to become. The defense mechanisms I wanted to keep…well…THEY ARE NOT ME AT ALL! I’m a huge geek. I’m super kind. I’d do almost anything for the people I love…& even some I don’t like so much. I’m very generous & loving. Now, I am natural independent & tough. It’s just I am a bit healthier with it all now. I do really want to be in the arts & I am not opposed to money. I’d still like to become wealthy for something I’ve done. I’m just being honest. Nevertheless, since I like the little things in life, I don’t know where all of the fortune would go to. I do want to travel…so I figure my money could take me around the world. I guess my point is that by not being able to be defined by material possessions, statuses, & I guess even relationships…I’ve become this girl. I also have to say that I had to stop being defined by what the brokenness in my soul left behind. I had to stop letting sadness win. I had to stop letting anxiety win. I had to quit letting death win. I had to stop letting anger & bitterness win. I had to stop letting pity win. I had to stop letting this idea of perfection win. I had allow myself to be human…because for so long I never really did. I always knew who I was…even in the depressions…in the anger…in the panic…I knew that wasn’t the true essence of me. I never could accept being a girl with a broken wing. No. Not me. I had to stop being what big life & my life circles wanted me to be as well. So…when I see myself not being effected by things so much anymore…I know it is because I am living the true definition of me. I’m not trying to be something I’m not. I’m not trying to hide my pain behind things that won’t heal it. I’m not trying to be stronger than I am. I’m just trying to be me. I’m trying to accept life for what it is & not what I want to to be. The “stripping” was good because through it I found the courage to be vulnerable enough to be me. I feel like the more I live out of the true definition of myself…the stronger & more healed I become. Be encouraged if you are on what feels like a slow elevating journey. You are becoming who you need to be…minute by minute…day by day.

Love, Autumn