#sometimes I think I'm funny | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

valiantstarlights · 2 days

Text

[Loving You is Cherry Pie] How It Started

Featuring doting father Alpha!Hob (43) and his son, recently presented Omega!Dream (20).

Not me looking for something appropriate(?) to post on Father's Day and finding this in my notes. 👀

The title is from the song, "Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga. While it could mean that loving someone sweet is as easy and enjoyable as eating cherry pie, knowing that Lady Gaga is allergic to cherries changes the meaning of the lyric drastically.

CWs: Aside from the dead-dove-ness of the premise, there's also toxic family dynamics (Dream's mother and her side of the family) and all the unfun stuff that goes with it, like verbal abuse, gaslighting, etc.

Important: This is (hopefully) going to be a series of non-linear oneshots. Maybe even a series of 'what if' oneshots. Who knows what I'll do? Certainly not me. 😂 Oh, and because this is an omegaverse fic, it's going to be on AO3 for public consumption. Anyway, Happy Father's Day, everybody! 😉

The Missus

"Talk to your son, Robert."

"And a very good morning to you as well, Nyx. May I ask what happened?"

"I merely requested, very reasonably, I might add, for him to call you 'Father' instead of his childish nickname for you, and he slammed the door in my face and called me a bitch."

"I see nothing wrong with Dream calling me 'Papa,' though?"

"You see nothing wrong with it. But everyone else is telling me how they think Dream is a spoiled, immature--"

"Everyone else, huh?"

"Yes! Look, I'm just concerned because the boy's birthday is coming up, and everyone on my side will be at the party, and--"

"Wait. A party? Nyx, you know Dream hates parties. And--"

"(scoff) That's your argument? 'Dream hates parties?' (laugh) And so what if he does? It's a family tradition--"

"Be reasonable. Dream is going to be presenting on his birthday, and he's overwhelmed enough with crowds. What more when--"

"Destiny is an introvert as well, and he did admirably at his presentation party. And besides, we both know Dream is just being dramatic, so you need to stop encouraging him. He's almost of age, Robert! He needs--"

"You're right. He's almost of age, and I think it's high time for you to start treating him like he's an adult who can make his own decisions. Have you even asked him what he wants to do on his birthday?"

"(scoff) Lock himself up in his dorm room and read his silly books, no doubt."

"So let him do that."

"Not a chance in hell. The party will be good for him. And besides, when was the last time he interacted with the right sort of people? Ever since he started at that no-name university you stupidly let him attend, he has been meeting all the wrong sorts! No wonder his attitude is becoming worse. He should spend more time with his cousins, especially the twins, who always ask when they'll see him next."

"Ha. Right."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Are you kidding? You know Desire and Despair are only asking when they'll see Dream next so they would know when they'd be able to bully him again."

"Bully-- How dare you! The twins are absolute angels!"

"Yeah. Because knocking Dream unconscious and locking him up in a closet in the attic for almost an entire day when he was nine years old is absolute angelic behavior. If I hadn't found him--"

"My god, when are you going to let that go? It's been…what, a decade? And the twins have already apologized. You were there. You saw that Dream has already forgiven them."

"Okay, one, the twins did not apologize. You made Dream apologize to them, and he only did so because you threatened to throw all his books out of the house."

"That is not--"

"No. You know what? I'm not going to argue about this with you anymore. Dream is going to decide what he wants to do for his birthday--"

"He is going to alpha the fuck up and go to his own presentation party that MY family is so graciously throwing for him--"

"--and you can decide whether or not you want to support his decision. Goodbye. (hangs up)"

Dream

"Hey, baby. How are you?"

"…Good."

"Everything okay? How'd you do on your paper? That was due this morning, right?"

"…I am not calling you 'Father,' Papa."

"(sigh) I never said you had to, baby. But you can see where you went wrong, yeah?"

"No."

"You called your mother a bitch."

"She is a bitch. And a hundred other worse things. She's lucky I stopped at bitch."

"Dream."

"Fine. I will apologize to her. For you."

"Good boy. And speaking of, your birthday is coming up."

"I already know what I want."

"If it's hardbound volumes of the complete works of Shakespeare--"

"(laugh) I know you hate him, Papa, so I won't torture you and make you buy things related to him for me."

"Well, that's a relief. Because I was just about to say that I was talking to your mother, and I told her that you're old enough to decide what you want to do for your birthday. So…you know, if you just want to have a pizza party with your closest friends at that gaming cafe you all go to--"

"Oh, Papa, really?"

"I know you hate the Endless's unnecessarily lavish parties, baby. So yeah, really. Consider it an additional birthday gift from me to you. If you want it, that is."

"I…Yes. I would love that. And you will be there as well, right?"

"It's your call, Dream. If you'd rather just celebrate with your friends, I could just pay the gaming cafe in advance and leave you young people--"

"No! I…I would love for you to be there. And you're not that old, Papa. But if you're busy on that day…"

"Me? Busy on my son's birthday? Never gonna happen. I would move heaven and earth and all my meetings so I can share with you all my hard-earned wisdom via dad jokes--"

"Papa--"

"--and now all your friends shall suffer the same fete!"

"Papa!"

"Get it? Fate and fete?"

"…"

"Regretting inviting me yet?"

"…Never. I was just--oh, Jessamy just arrived with our food. Hey, Jess."

"Take-out again?"

"This will be the first time this month. (muffled) Yes, it's Papa."

"Well, just be sure to limit eating take-out meals. I bought you all sorts of kitchen stuff for your dorm so you two could use it for cooking, not for decoration."

"Yes, Papa."

"Don't roll your eyes at me, baby."

"How did you--"

"Ah, hold on. (muffled) Yes, a moment, please. I have to go, baby. But enjoy your dinner and say hi to Jessamy for me."

"Yes, Papa. I'll send you a picture of our food in a bit so you may suffer for your fete joke while you're in your meeting."

"(laugh) Evil. I like it. Well, send away, baby. I'll talk to you later. Love you!"

"I love you too, Papa."

"Hypothetically speaking, if the house is in my name and Nyx barely resides here, can I charge her with trespassing and destruction of property?"

"Jesus Christ. What has the bitch done now?"

"(sighs) Just…we had an argument--"

"Surprise, surprise."

"--and after Dream told her he wouldn't be attending her family's presentation party for him, she has been…"

"A fucking psycho? As usual?"

"Basically."

"How's my cute nephew, anyway?"

"Thriving at university and making friends with equally brilliant people. He was home this weekend, telling me all the updates on his group's DND campaign when Nyx burst in and…well. You know."

"Yeah. And how many times have I told you to divorce her?"

"About as many times as when you pranked me when we were kids. But--"

"No. Dream is almost an adult, and he fucking hates her. There is literally no need for you to suffer her and her crazy family anymore."

"(sigh)"

"You know I'm right."

"You almost always are. So…what, do I need to lawyer up or something?"

"I mean, I already have a list of lawyers for you to choose from, if you're not fucking around anymore."

"(laugh) Hold on to that, then. I'll talk to Dream first and see what he thinks."

"What he-- Hobs, who the hell do you think gave me the list of lawyers?"

"Dream did?"

"…You know, sometimes I wonder if I actually did hit you too hard with that plastic shovel on the head when we were five and you lost all your brain cells that day."

"Alright, that's enough. I think I'm losing more brain cells just by talking to you."

"You can't lose more if you already have none, stupid. But yeah. Think about it. Divorcing Nyx, I mean."

"Been thinking about it more and more, to be honest. But keep that list ready, yeah? Just in case."

"Yep. Bye, Hobs. Tell Dream his favorite aunt says hello to her paleo mushroom bean."

"I still don't fucking understand why you call him that, and why he doesn't mind you calling him that, but yeah, sure. Bye, Jo."

Dream

"Happy birthday, baby! I'll see you in a bit. Just gotta get your super secret birthday gift from my super secret lair--"

"Take your time, Papa. And leave the dad jokes at home, please?"

"Mwahahahaha!"

"…That does not bode well."

Papa

Papa? (Missed call.) (Missed call.) (Missed call.) Papa, please pick up. I need you.

Dream

"Hey, Dream."

"Papa!"

"Dream, I--"

"I'm so sorry, Papa. I suspected, but I didn't really know for sure. I… Do you hate me now?"

"I just need some time to process this. But I'm okay. And no, I don't hate you. This is very much not your fault."

"But…you're not mad at me? I love you."

"…I love you too, baby. I'm just…I needed to breathe for a bit. Sorry for suddenly walking out. How did the rest of the party go?"

"(wet sniffle) It was okay. Matthew ate most of the cake, and I think Lucienne won the most games so she got the chicken dinner crown."

"What do you mean, 'I think?'"

"I wasn't really paying much attention to what was happening after you left. Sorry."

"Oh, baby."

"I just…(quiet sob) I missed my Papa."

"Fuck. I'm so sorry, Dream. I promise I'll make it up to you. We could…I don't know, rewatch your favorite series over an unlimited amount of pizza, or see a Shakespearean play at the Globe Theatre--"

"(wet laugh) But Papa, you hate Shakespeare."

"Yeah, but…I love you more. And I'm willing to put up with that bastard's--ah, hold on. Jo's calling."

"You should take Aunt Jo's call, Papa. I'll be okay."

"You sure?"

"Yes. Jessamy's here. We're rewatching Legally Blonde. Say hi, Jess."

"(muffled) Hi, Mr. G!"

"She says hi."

"Yeah, baby, I heard. So you're sure you're okay over there?"

"Yes, Papa."

"And you don't need anything else? Pizza? Blankets? My secret hot chocolate recipe?"

"No, Papa. All I needed was for you to call me."

"Oh, baby."

"I'm really sorry."

"Dream. You have nothing to be sorry for. And I'm not mad, nor do I hate you. I just…(sigh) It was…and still is, honestly, a bit of a shock. But I will always be your Papa, even if we're not blood-related. Okay?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Alright. I'll talk to you soon."

"Okay. …And Papa?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I still…(deep breath) Am I still welcome to go back home?"

"Of course, baby. You're welcome to come back home any time."

"And…And you promise you don't hate me?"

"I promise. I can never hate you."

"Okay. I love you, Papa."

"…I love you, too, baby."

"Shit. Sorry, Hobs. Jet just landed. Why the fuck were you calling me 27 thousand times? Are you okay? Is Dream okay? What's--"

"Dream isn't my biological son."

"I…What?"

"You heard me. I just found out when he presented as an omega and I reacted to his scent."

"You reacted-- Oh, fuck."

"I had to get the hell away from him as soon as I caught his scent. Calmed myself down a bit. A lot."

"Shit. You're compatible with him?"

"Yes."

"Jesus fucking Christ, Hobs."

"Fucking tell me about it."

"Have you talked to him yet?"

"Yeah. Just now, actually."

"How is he?"

"Worried that I hate him. Or if I'm mad at him. He wanted to know if he could still come home, Jo."

"Why the fuck would you be mad at him or hate him?"

"That's what I thought as well. Because right now? He is the last person on this earth who I will ever be mad at. But that's not what I was calling you about."

"Oh? Dream not being your bio son isn't the reason why you were calling me repeatedly like a fucking lunatic?"

"Yeah. I need you to give me that list of lawyers, Jo."

"Oh, hell yeah. Let's destroy this bitch."

The Missus Nyx Endless

We're over.

Excuse me? (Missed call.) Pick up the phone, Robert. (Missed call.) (Missed call.) (Missed call.) (Missed call.) You're acting like a child. (Missed call.) (Missed call.)

Stop calling me. Can't you read? We're over. Done.

And do I get to know why you're so callously filing to annul our marriage a day after our son's birthday, when he didn't even have the decency to show up to his own presentation party?

Yeah, okay.

Well? Go on.

Imagine this, Nyx. Imagine my shock and mortification when Dream, MY son, presents as an omega, and I, his supposed biological father, react to his scent. You know, in hindsight, I can see why you so desperately want him to present as an alpha. Why, if Dream did the 'proper' thing for once and became the alpha you always wanted him to be, then I would never know of your infidelity. In fact, I seem to remember a couple of nurses remarking that Dream looks healthy for supposedly being born premature. But was he really? Or was he born right on schedule? I mean, did you even pay attention in your required Secondary Gender classes? Because an alpha reacting to an omega's scent means that they're not related by blood to them. So yeah. We're over.

(Missed call.) Look, can you just pick up your phone so we can talk like actual adults instead of you suddenly accusing me of infidelity, as if you're some faultless saint who has never lusted after loose omega whores?

Funny. I'll have my lawyers contact you.

(Missed call.) (Missed call.) (Missed call.) (Missed call.)

Yeah, I'm still not gonna pick up and let you scream and gaslight me like you always do. I can fill in the blanks well enough by myself. All those work trips before our wedding? Not exactly rocket science. All I need from you right now is for you to sign the goddamn documents my lawyers are going to send.

And if I don't?

Gee, I don't know. I mean, it's not like my family owns an entire media company and has a lot of connections. Surely I wouldn't destroy you and your family's image, right? Because you've been such a good wife to me and a good mother to Dream, and you have never, not once, cheated on me with another alpha. Kronos, was it? What? Nothing to say? Fucking thought so.

Bean

"Aunt Jo?"

"Yeah, Bean?"

"Thank you for earlier."

"Nah. I should've fucking decked the cunt years ago. Glad I got to do it now. Seriously, don't mention it. It was my pleasure. How's your cheek?"

"Papa put an ice pack on it as soon as he could. Mother didn't draw blood, but Papa hasn't calmed down yet. He's calling even more people as we speak."

"Good. Keep that ice pack on your cheek. I'm coming over in a bit. Just gotta finish up here. You want anything?"

"Maybe vanilla ice cream for me and fish and chips from Cain and Abel's for Papa?"

"You got it."

CEO of Gadling Corporation Annuls Marriage to Estranged Wife

Robert Gadling, 43, annuls marriage to wife, Nyx Gadling (nee Endless) on grounds of infidelity prior to their marriage. (more on page 6.)

Lucienne

"Hey. I just heard the news. You okay?"

"Yes."

"Dream."

"I'm fine."

"But?"

"I don't like that I have to go by Dream Endless now. But I'm glad I don't have to see anyone from that side of the family anymore. I don't like that people whisper about me everywhere I go. But Papa doesn't hate me and I'm welcome to stay with him for as long as I want. It's a mixed bag, but I actually prefer this to how it was before."

"I mean, obviously. I met your mom once and all I could think of was hitting her with a chair. No offense."

"None taken. I wish you had. That would have definitely made last year's Halloween party more exciting."

"Alas. I was too worried about getting arrested in my Uhura costume. You were dressed as Morticia Addams, right?"

"I was. Mother was supposed to be Morticia, but she claims her costume shrank in the dryer and so foisted the costume on me. She went as the Bride of Frankenstein instead. Something about being the wife of a monster."

"Yikes. Thank god your dad had a late meeting and didn't arrive until after she had passed out from drinking most of the alcohol in the bar."

"...Mm-hmm."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Dream."

"It's nothing, Lucienne. I just remembered I have a paper due on Monday that I have yet to do, what with all the...drama."

"Oh! Yeah, of course. Sorry for suddenly going off on a tangent. I really just wanted to see if you were okay."

"And I appreciate you calling to check up on me. Truly."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll leave you to the tender mercies of your academics then, Dream Gadling."

"Thank you. I much prefer that name over the one I have right now."

Papa

"Hello? Papa?"

"Hey, baby. Is everything alright? It's one in the morning."

"Yes. I'm safe in my dorm. I was just thinking…Can I still call you 'Papa?' Or do you want me to call you something else now?"

"'Papa' is fine, baby. I mean… (pause) Yeah, I think it would be strange if you suddenly called me 'Robert' or something."

"You don't have to sound so disgusted with your own name, Papa. I think 'Robert' is a perfectly lovely name."

"Aww, thank you, Dream. (paper rustling)"

"Are you still working, Papa?"

"Ha. I wish. No, baby, I'm looking through profiles right now."

"Of employees?"

"(sigh) Of omegas."

"Omegas."

"Yep."

"…"

"You there?"

"Why."

"What do you mean, 'why?' For marriage, of course."

"Marriage."

"(sigh) Yes, Dream. Marriage."

"You and Mother just got your marriage annulled barely a fortnight ago."

"Yeah, well, your Papa's not getting any younger, and the Board is breathing down my neck trying to get me to get married again."

"What do they care?"

"Well, baby, it turns out that I don't have an heir yet."

"What do you mean? Am I not your heir? Did you not raise me to run the company competently one day? I'm good at the job, Papa. You know I am."

"You are. And I said the exact same thing to the Board. But they still want me to have a biological child to inherit the company someday. You know. Far into the future."

"So you have to marry again. And have a biological child with your new omega spouse. Children."

"Look, Dream, it's not like I'm having the time of my life right now."

"And me? Am I…Am I expected to just step aside for this new family of yours?"

"Baby, no. You're still my heir. Even the Board acknowledges how brilliant you are. But--"

"But once I have outlived my usefulness, I will be replaced by someone who shares your blood."

"Dream--"

"I'm suddenly feeling drowsy, Papa. Good night. (hangs up)"

"Shit."

Dream

No one will ever be able to take your place, Dream. You are my son, no matter who your biological father is, and I will always love you. (Missed call.) (Missed call.) (Missed call.) Can you please at least let me know if you're safe? I'm getting worried.

I'm safe.

Okay. That's good, baby. Thank you for letting me know.

Jessamy (Dream's roommate)

Jessamy? Is Dream alright?

Hey, Mr. G! I mean, yeah? He's quieter than usual, but he's going to classes and eating and sleeping normally. Is everything okay?

Not sure, actually. Look, can you please keep an eye on him?

Yup, sure thing! Anything in particular you want me to look out for?

Just strange behavior, I suppose. The two of you have been roommates for a couple of years now, so in a way, you know better than I do what to look out for.

Eleanor

"I'm sorry. I don't know what has gotten into him."

"Hey, it's okay. It's totally understandable that he'd be very protective of you."

"It's just… I've never seen him act like that before. He's usually so well-mannered."

"Seriously, Robert, it's fine. Sure, he glared at me the entire night and interrogated me like I'm a criminal, but given what you both have been through, I get it. If I were in his shoes, I would totally do the same thing."

"I don't think you would 'accidentally' spill a glass of red wine over another person's clothes, though."

"Pssh, please. I have 'accidentally' spilled many an alcoholic drink when I was in uni as well. Granted, I spilled them mostly on handsy alphas."

"I'm really sorry."

"And I really don't mind. It's a dress, Robert. I can get it dry cleaned. If anything, Dream has provided me with the perfect excuse to go shopping."

"You don't have to be so understanding about this. He was a right little hellion tonight."

"Trust me, I've dealt with worse. Oh, hold on. (muffled) Oh, thank you, Chris. I just got home."

"Good. Great. I'll see you soon?"

"(laugh) I'll see you during our business lunch on Monday, Robert. And don't worry, it will take more than a glass of 'accidentally' spilled red wine on my dress to scare me off."

"(relieved sigh) Thanks, Eleanor."

"Ellie. You've dabbed enough napkins on my person to call me Eleanor."

"Ellie, then. Good night."

"Good night, Robert."

Dream

"Dream. Care to explain your behavior tonight?"

"Not really."

"Dream."

"Robert."

"…Okay, I'm going to give you time to calm down, but I still expect that explanation from you. And an apology to Eleanor."

"…"

"Dream."

"(hangs up)"

Jessamy (Dream's roommate)

Um, Mr. G? Dream came back yesterday at around 3AM, and he was really hungover this morning. Please don't tell him I told you.

Alright. Thank you, Jessamy.

Dream

"I said no, Corinthian."

"…Corinthian?"

"…Papa."

"Anything you need to tell me, baby?"

"Nothing that concerns you."

"Right."

"…"

"Well, I just called to tell you I won't be home this weekend."

"Understood. I am to let no one in, and all exterior doors must be locked at all times. Should an intruder somehow get past security, I am to hide in the safe room first and call you and/or Aunt Jo second."

"(sigh) Dream…"

"Is there anything else?"

"I miss you."

"…"

"We've barely talked since I started meeting with potential omega partners, and when we do talk, I get the sense that you'd rather do anything else than talk to me. What do I have to do? I feel like I'm suddenly doing everything wrong where you're concerned."

"If I ask you to stop meeting with other omegas, would you do it?"

"Baby…I have to."

"Then there's nothing left to talk about."

"You know you're one of the most, if not THE most important person in my life. I want you to be a part of this decision too. Anyone I choose must also have your approval."

"And if I choose no one?"

"(sigh) Baby…"

"You say I'm important to you. But--"

"Hold on. (muffled) What? Now? Goddammit. (sigh) Listen, baby. I have to go. But I'll call you later, okay? Just before my plane leaves, as always. I hope you answer. I don't like leaving on a plane without talking to you beforehand. You're my good luck charm, you know?"

"Fine. What time shall I expect your call?"

"(muffled) Yes, it's Dream. Just one more second, Ellie. What was that, baby?"

"Nothing. I said I'll pick up when you call. Is that Eleanor?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. We're both attending the same international conference, so I invited her to just fly with me on the jet."

"...I see. I have to go to class now."

"Oh, of course. Sorry for keeping you. Have a good day at school, baby. Love you."

"(hangs up)"

Papa

Ppa help In eed you Ith urts

#dreamling #the sandman #my writing #good job my thumbs #fic: loving you is cherry pie #idk what to call this #oyakodon AU #i guess??#sometimes i think i'm funny

33 notes · View notes