#sometimes i make myself feel better by thinking abt how
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I mean this from a social perspective not a health one : why does everything feel weird right now. Like yes I’m heartbroken about the reality of my position in the lives of my so called friends but now I just feel confused. I don’t understand why I’m not important and why I can’t change to be important to others, nor what makes a person important either.
#like okay yeah I’ve been lowkey crying in the middle of the night because of how unimportant I feel but that’s down pat now we get it#I just want to know why am I not ? like am I doing something wrong ? I could’ve sworn I’m trying my best to not be annoying frustrating and#to be there but the reality of things is that I can’t always be there given my condition#sometimes I wonder how hard it is to ask me a simple ‘are you okay’ or ‘how are you’ or god forbid that I am missed lmao pls fniesksn ignore#the last one I think that’s too much but at least the other two#I don’t want to tell people to ask me these because then it feels fake and that they’re doing it just for the sake of getting me to shut up#about it but I don’t know#dora daily#a reason why I hate insta with my whole life because it just never fails to prove how worthless I really am#like I could’ve died yk … and it’d still be the sahara desert there#anyways I like being alone a lot something I’ve found out about myself#(I hate it actually but I only like it because I cannot make myself do anything like even talking seems so very exhausting so I can manage#with the loneliness when I’m ill but I can’t cope with it when I’m even a smidge better)#sigh.#just sigh. where did I get my friends from and why does everyone seem to love their friends so much but I cannot#don’t get me wrong I talk about how much I love them to everyone and if I don’t I obsess abt them in my head but it is not reciprocated to#be honest. not at all#and that’s what makes me sad. I still love them because I love unconditionally it seems#but from a conditional viewpoint they do not cut it#and that makes me disappointed#that’s why I’d kill to be loved or heck even remotely liked the way I like others even half of that yk#I am not a good person in my eyes but I would do so much just to be liked like that I wish I knew why I’m not worth being liked only worthy#of being tolerated.
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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stefs ass is SO fat..... HOW isn't there more fanfiction of diggs/allen. im gonna thr*w up
#sometimes i think abt how much more loved my favs would be by others if they were basic white twinks and i wanna claw the wall#sauce would be a tumblr sexyman rn#diggs/allen would get more love if 1. allen was skinnier 2. diggs was the top 3. diggs was the bttm but he was white#sorry aometimes it's like. frustrating to see even in the simple media#shit is cruel#and i feel like i keep just encouraging more fans for the underrated#and rarely ever make stuff for it myself bcs i keep trying to hold out some hope that things can change#without me#bcs im terrified of starting things off on the wrong start but since it's the start no one notices and it just goes downhill from there#but it's like i think i have to which sucks so so bad#bcs i KNOW theres people who can do so much better than me for it but it just#idk sometimes i hate caring abt stuff no one else does sometimes like it's just so tiring#maybe i just need to leave or give up or smthin like im the outsider and thats just how it's gonna be#im always gonna be attracted to the stray and i cant ever stay it's so tiring it's so tiring#anyways this was supposed to be funny bcs it's me being all harrumph abt little ship fic lol#i need to watch fat albert again i love fat albert
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#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.
#i was thinking abt it earlier#but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why#actually i do kinda know why.#i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me#earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject#too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i#was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often#especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d#everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just#cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even#consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural#but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other#peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something#something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they#move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less#sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can#always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response#and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone#it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything#not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i#feel like im not actually being heard or listened to#and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you'#or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore#god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it#for everyone else all the time#is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say#this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice#god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover#and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel#like they actually like me
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on topic of my emotions regarding Idiot Steve…
He should be terrified, but he isn't, not in that moment. In fact, he doesn’t feel anything as he stares at himself in the mirror of his en suite bathroom. He doesn’t know where the panic went, seeing as nothing has been resolved, nothing has changed. Except, well, he has a plan now. A plan that got derailed the very second he saw himself and another piece of reality has settled. Or unsettled. He’s not sure yet.
He gets stuck like this sometimes. Is fully aware of it, but that doesn’t make it any easier to stop, doesn’t make the comments any easier that get flung his way, sniding words from the genius kids or his genius soulmate — Platonic with a capital P. Just one more thing in the Idiot Steve Harrington collection, but this one doesn’t feel like it’s his fault. Actually, it never really does.
this one doesn’t feel like it’s his fault. it never really does
Now, though, it’s staring him in the face. It’s almost comical. We expect you to be great, Mother said where other parents would have written words of love and kindness. 'We expect you to be great. The next few years will leave you traumatised to all hells and back, you will almost die several times and find friends who let you care for them but maybe don’t entirely reciprocate that. We will never hear about any of that and we don’t really care. The last hug you got from me was April 1979, and that was only because I was grieving and you were there. Be great, Steven. And have a pizza for your troubles.'
and find friends who let you care for them but maybe don’t entirely reciprocate that
me writing the time travel au, or just about anything steve-centric:
#it’s time for an essay but there’s so many people who’ve said it before and who’ve said it better#stranger things#steve harrington#time travel au#i’ll try i’ll try#dio rambles#the first snippet he’s half dissociating staring at himself in the mirror and he knows there would be comments abt it if anyone were there#and just. him thinking ‘this one (dissociation) doesn’t feel like it’s his fault. actually it never really does’ implying that it hurts him#every time they call him an idiot or call him out on things outside of his control… gods. sometimes i punch myself in the gut#and ‘friends who let you care but maybe don’t entirely reciprocate that’?? how would he know right? how would he know they appreciate him#for who he is? how would he know they care about literally anything he does or says or that’s actually wrong with him?? he doesn’t talk#about it much because he doesn’t feel like they’d listen or actually care. he’s the one supposed to care. gods just#don’t make me psychoanalyse/literary analysis time travel au steve or we will be here all week
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Cancelled the in person interview for today after discussing phone interview with Mum and Housemate last night (and the numerous red flags and cost of the lyft there and back for a job that ultimately the place wouldn't be able to convince me to take if offered, bc the general consensus was 'this is literally likely to be as bad as the current job BUT with the added cost of lyfts back and forth that they wouldn't be paying enough to offset, why on earth would you (me) take this job lmaooooo')
Which works out good bc the ongoing Mum trauma stuff is hitting hard as soon as I've woken and maybe I can get the Big Cry out today. Or write down any of the memories that have been playing on repeat in my mind
(with all this said, yes, I still asked and do legitimately care abt my mum's opinion and experience with jobs despite this; yes it feels weird; no I don't know how healthy that is or not lmao but I'm gonna lean towards Not Healthy bc im discovering that the work my previous doc did certainly uncovered this codependency and trauma which absolutely was a great help but like...we didn't actually really untangle any of it so I could try and untangle myself from my mum, even from 1600+ miles from one another. So. probably not healthy.)
#text post#Housemate was the far more helpful one of ae and mum tho and im very grateful ae took the time to talk over the interview with me#to help me figure out if doing the in person was worth it#mum did kind of help in that she pointed out several dakota eye like red flags from the employer that in retrospect yeah#were flying right in front of my face but i just. want to find better work so it's hard to ignore the red flags sometimes#until someone else goes uhhhhh hey maybe not this job no matter how desperate you feel#which is what it boiled down to more or less in discussion with both of them last night#it's just a weird thing of mum was still helpful and im glad i had a call with her but also it was low key triggering#and part of me wants to call her back and ask if she knows that she's a major part of why i struggle to say no to anyone#who feels even vaguely an authority figure over me no matter what my feelings are or if im being hurt#because id rather be obedient and pleasing than independent and honest (& possibly disappoint ppl with the latter)#but let's be real she wouldn't have an answer. it's beyond her to even think of this stuff#she'd be upset and offended and I'd be groveling like usual to try and make up for daring to question any part of our relationship#the same groveling i do on autopilot for any potential offense because it doesn't matter even if i asked & was given permission#im still always finding there's something i need to ask her forgiveness for anyway#but i love her and am incredibly grateful for her and how much she's given of herself to me as a single mum#idk im gonna shut up abt emotions for now and figure out what on earth im doing with myself today
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me, full of ongoing scrupulosity abt microplastics and also a vague sense that it would be good for me to take another crack at incorporating running into my life for 'holy shit i desperately need endorphins' reasons, scouring the shorts market for anything natural-fiber but also functionally/aesthetically fit for purpose and coming up almost* entirely blank: what if i bought another one of the merino-tencel tanks whose fabric i'm in love with (or‚ you know‚ sourced similar fabric somewhere that wasn't already a different garment‚ but like‚ that would involve learning things about 'where to get specialty fabric' in addition to the 'how to sew it' part) and turned it into running shorts? surely it couldn't be that hard??
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* in fairness, icebreaker does make some that tbh are probably ideal except for cost but like. do i want to go running in basketball shorts? not really. and the tiny (women's) version only comes in black which is so dreary. i keep hoping they'll come out with some other colors but so far no dice! also an extremely crunchy-granola company makes some weird little gym shorts in a hemp knit which. i'm sorry, i grew up in manhattan and i'm dubious! they might be great but! 🧐
#yes it absolutely could#i mean there IS a sewing machine kicking around downstairs somewhere and i think according to Baby Sister it even works#so in theory i could re-teach myself how to use it#and also in theory a tiny pair of drawstring shorts shouldn't be *that* hard‚ i feel like??#(they say‚ totally naively)#i definitely don't really understand how you deal with curves. like i know sometimes you cut little notches into them but. when. why.#anyway i think actually normal running shorts are woven fabric and the tanks i'm obsessed with are knit so.#WOULD probs have to source different fabric.#this is too many humps to get over so realistically it's not going to happen#and frankly given that i already own nylon shorts it's like. what's the plan for those#like even if i did make tencel/merino ones to replace them… the other ones still exist#i guess if they just sat in a box under my bed forever they at least wouldn't be producing microplastics???? (is that even true really?)#like with most stuff that's environmentally bad it's still better to keep using it than to replace it before time#but like. if it's washing that creates the microplastics and otherwise they're just a relatively inert pile of plastic in my closet…#maybe it IS actually better to like. file them away until society works out Plastic Disposal decades from now??#idk. also this is all SO sad to me bc brightly-colored gorpcore would otherwise be my EXACT aesthetic#i was a patagonia baggies kid and i would happily be a patagonia baggies adult but. sigh!!#honestly this entire problem is too big for me#i have just enough brain to be making myself crazy abt it but not enough brain to know how to tackle it#and honestly the solution probs isn't really individual anyway#it'll be like. scientists working out microplastics filtration and safe degradation#and textile people developing better textiles going forward#anyway. sometimes you stay up too late and yr brain starts spinning in ways that feel exciting and productive but. aren't.
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i'm realizing more and more how bad my depression was, bc at the time i was "functional" and no one ever actually approached me to ask me if i was okay so i kept being on the fence with myself on whether i was actually depressed or if i was just Bad at Living and everyone just had more energy and enthusiasm and passion and care than i did. even when i recognized i was legitimately depressed, that i "deserved" the label or whatever, i was like "but i'm not Severely depressed, like i get out of bed and do my work and everything." okay but i also never responded to emails and i skipped so many classes and didn't wash up or change my clothes for days sometimes and i avoided everyone except only five friends and i would constantly hate myself bc i thought there was something wrong w me because i wasn't a Better, more capable person like everyone else seemed to be, and about once a week i would have the intense panicked urge to kill myself and freak out alone in the animation studio at 2am or in the bathroom silently while my roommates waited in the common room to make a crack about how long it takes for me to shower. and it got marginally better when i started weightlifting but that was so fucking insane that i didn't think i deserved to be taken seriously. like sometimes i reread my journal entries from that time and i feel so sorry for my past self because it was fucking brutal back then
#p#i think i'm thinking abt this today bc of princess mononoke bc that film is all about hope and finding the reason why life is precious#and it makes me think how some of my housemates joke abt the void and how they feel hope is naive#and i always feel so OVER it bc i literally had to fight tooth and nail to find hope. bc the alternative was killing myself#like the reason i love life so much rn and why i'm so much better at managing my depression is bc i've gazed into the maw of the beast#i've gone to that dark place before and it almost killed me. i had to work so hard to discover hope to have that realization#there's this maya angelou quote abt this specifically and she refers to it as 'growing up'#like 'growing up costs the earth.' and most ppl will never grow up but simply grow older bc it's too painful it's too much work#but sometimes circumstances will force you to grow up bc the alternative is death#anyway this is incoherent and probably reads as though i mean something else. whatever good night
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bleh x__x
#p#the pain thats always there is way easier to manage (unless there's smth else goin on physically or brain wise)#like its predictable n im used to it n i can almoat forget its there#so i think maybe thats why any other pain/weird body thing is extra overwhelming cuz its w/e new/different thing#on top of the like usual feeling shitty w pain+tired that im used to#its hard being patient w myseelf abt how i feel especially cuz w/e extra stuff is probs more manageable for anyone else#plus ofc big feelings n crazy n overwhelmed stupideasily#but i shld work on not being mad at myself for how i feel or my reactions to stuff#cuz its different but itssss hard not to immediately feel ridiculous n shitty. idk#back to my original thing tho even the like baseline pain n tiredness gets to me sometimes which is frustrating#cuz its the stuff im more used to like i said. but i mean it still sucks to feel like shit even if its expected ? idk#i should be doing more to work on it like i read articles that exercising helps w f*bromyalgia(?) which is if not the exact thing#like officiallybut everything i read is like ya that me lol#n i read the othee day that like ya short term it might suck (for me it def makes pain worse#n after working 8hr shifts im like outta commission anyway#but maybe like in the long run eventually itd help? but im not patient n dont wanna work at anything rip#being outta shape def doesnt help. anywau idk the point iwas making w/e#just feel guilty all the time or i guess nah its shame. w/e#despite everything its so hard not to believe everything wrong w me isn't just an inherent Me thing#like someone else could have my exact current body+mind n be fine n do lots n just be better than iam#not rly relevant but i randomly found some reddit comment where someone w f*bro mentioned#feeling like they have a high pain tolerance (from just like always hurting to some extent)#but a low pain threshold which i took to mean like u hurt easily which ya me#ok i wasted a lotta this break bitching in these tags im doneeee now#usual work pain which is especially the back always n is rhe worst of it + my neck + period pain which is so bad everytime#time to dieeee#3 more hours gangggg
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Dating people is so weird. I'm weird. I think if you're interested you should try it like once. Or twice. I think there are a lot of things I want to say and talk about I'm just worried nobody wants to hear them. Hello from the void
#Me#I need to figure out a tagging system abt my life or what I'm thinking or shit I'm doing#There is a lot I want to say but I want it to be a conversation#I'm once again making realisation about myself#I don't need therapy I just think I need to actually talk to people about how I feel sometimes#Honestly I'm fine but my parents were yelling at my brother (it was 100% deserved) and that fucked me up a little#I'm scared making these posts because I feel like an attention seeker but I need them I think#Mostly because I have friends I know well on here following me and I don't want them to worry but I also wanna talk to them#But I don't want them to think something is wrong because nothing's wrong#I'll be fine in the morning I know that. But I'm crying a little and I think I just could've used someone to talk to#I'll be fine tomorrow#I think I need to find a better way to vent or smth rather than bottling things up until i don't feel good#Okay I feel better now. I still wanna talk to someone but like I'm fine.#There's so much more I wanna so but alas#Anyway I need to make my post about kissing being anticlimactic#Vent#?
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i hgoupe I'm The roller guy to yall
#I'm srs I need recognition for things I like#I NEED TO BE Known That I like This thing#Not famous but#I'M!! THE ENJOYUER...#I can get like that with clash around friends in general but I keep it lows#But in Tghe fandom. I'm srs I may avoid ppl if I'm like#Man pplproly see them as the Roller guy hahaha they're popular and draw Tghe guy a lot and nobody likes me and#Help me#It's so dark here#What mental illness is causing this#ITS SO COLD....#WHERE AM I... IM SHOEING NEGATIVE MENTAL ILLNESS....#I will go crazy reaches to get recognized for a Thing usually by Overworking On Fanart#But also I'm just a perfectionist also so that doesn't help either#And then oops haha adhd make me NOT feel rewarded for ANYTHING and it's ALL MISERY#At least friends are nice and love me and I feel great Showing Stuff and Them Telling me stuff#But I generally feel disliked by people#I may just be over thinking but I can't shake off the feeling that people murmur about me negatively. Oh it's the annoying lame guy bitch#I think people also don't like me because I talk too much I get personal in art posts and I talk a lot#People tend to ignore that#And idk#I have friends who love me and I love them and that means more than anyrhing#But seeing anyone get recognized for Liking Thing makes me#Seriously want to do physical harm to myself sometimes and that's not a joke#I suffer Self Bite when Stressed. I don't know how to Regulate Sometimes.#Why do you think I block so many ppl and whine abt it#I get jealous upset at nothing feeling threatened. sometimes yea ppl post genuinely triggering stuff but half the time I'm just like#HIISS. HISSSS#HiiIIISSS#I need to have my brain cleaned and changed for a better one this isn't kt
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i think i just dont know how to like. be friends with people. think im maybe gonna be lonely forever actually
#like. im trying so hard not to be ungrateful or bitter or overdramatic but#i get so jealous seeing other ppl post abt like. being in group chats w their friends#doing voice calls or watching movies or playing video games together#bc i havent had a real conversation w anybody whos not my mom in like 2-3 months. and thats just. the norm for me#LIKE i dont think my friends secretly hate me. i know i have muts who consider me Their Friend and like me well enough#but i think im just not an interesting person to talk to. like i think other ppl straight up forget i exist sometimes#and thats probably my fault bc i never post but like its hard not to be bitter and depressed abt it bc i dont know how to NOT be like this#i know im doing something wrong and its not really other peoples responsibility to like. make me feel better#in fact i hate making posts like this bc i feel like im just whining and guilt tripping ppl into Being Nice To Me#every personal post ive made for the past three years has just been me bitching abt how suicidal i am. of course no one wants to talk to me#but idk what else to do. like i AM constantly miserable. and i feel like i do not have friends. where else am i supposed to vent abt it#ugh. sorry idk why i keep doing this to myself#bectxt#op#txt
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#ever sit like a corpse in your own body?#im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we#deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to#give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway.#who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in#the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when#projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing#dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will#ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do#something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r#stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even#then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a#broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what?#lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything#done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i#think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with#thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno#whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is#hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse#but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday#unrelated
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my mom, noticing i'm very tired + fell asleep on the couch for an hour & a half, only to come downstairs & lay on my bed w the door open: oh honey go take a nap :(
my hell brain, to me: you are such an asshole. how dare you make her worry about you. as punishment you're not allowed to do that
me to my mom anyway: ...yeah okay
#i dont feel bad for it this time??#not that shes ever made me feel bad abt it - i get that from my stepdad (who mind u takes naps every single weekend). my brain is just silly#its been like this for a long time but today is the first day in idk how long i genuinely dont feel guilty for it#i keep waiting for it to come and its not. holy shit#why cant it feel this easy all the time. i feel guilty doing pretty much anything for myself (like. playing games napping eating etc etc)#but rn its just... not there. i dont feel like im being horrible. its so surprising & it does make me feel sad at the same time#i hope i can work on processing/coping w that better in counseling#obviously i cant do that part on my own or i wouldve figured out how to shut it down when it happens already#milo murmurs#sometimes i think my mom blames herself for it but shes one of the only ppl in my life who HASNT made me feel that way. not even once#its pretty much my bio father & stepdad tbh#my sense of worth as a person and not an object is very warped lol#tw csa vent#its very vague & in the tags but. still wanna tag it
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I love being cringe and free and just enjoying my interests without caring what others think
#do I still sometimes get a little embarassed?#Yes!! but that is just how I am.#Do I feel silly for it afterward bc it DOESNT MATTER! YES!!#I am sm less self conscious abt who I am and what I love and it’s made me a much better person I think#I’m less judgemental of myself and hence less judgemental of others#I still struggle ofc but like.. I am doing better! I’m growing as a person and it makes me very happy!!#I could talk abt this for so long#tldr being cringe is so cool. Be cringe and be free.
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