#sometimes im miserable and sometimes im neutral and sometimes im even pretty good over the smallest thing (a song or a compliment or a well

[mainfaggot]

life is all about sitting in cafés with a latte and a cute outfit on

[1800duckhotline]

Ok ok so I gotta know, what is Salice's dynamic with everyone in the party? Does she generally get along with them or would she feed them to the wolves if it wasn't for the brain worms?

A/n: This is long. im sorry. this goes under readmore. What playing the game for 2 week straight does to a mf

SO ITS FUNNY. Salice is generally a kind of dry, sarcastic bitch that generally doesn't particularly enjoy 'befriending' people. The only person she's ever been truly friends with is her is her best friend & (previously) colleague Allen Owen, a wizard of the school of conjuration, who she met when she was studying law way long ago, like 10 years or so prior to the start of the story.

At the start she's kind of neutral towards everyone due to the Circumstances. she is kind of a bitch, and rude, but due to the situation (that being, you know, the brainworms and possible transformation into an illithid) she tries to be less of an asshole simply because she does not want to risk being killed by the few people she's met that are sound of mind and not Absolute fanatics

This is also me generally throwing spice on the concept as a whole since the game isn't really full ofliberties in terms of shaping your tav's personality. In general, she tries to do the good thing, but can be a dick about it, and isn't against doing scummy stuff if it means getting to the bottom of things or resolving matters without necessarily risking certain death. This means she's generally more likely to get along with Shadowheart, Wyll, Gale, and even Karlach. I imagine with Lae'zel and Astarion the relationship is definitely on the neutral side. She doesn't really hate anyone but doesn't really like Astarion tbh lol

She has issues with being closed-off and has difficulty opening up to people. She has a full-on machismo complex caused by her father and tends to be very competitive when it comes to putting in show her skills especially when she meets masculine people like her (regardless if they're men or not), HOWEVER...Circumstances make this a little easier to break through.

TO PUT IT SHORT BECAUSE I'M ALREADY RAMBLING:

Wyll: They're pretty good friends by the time of Act 2 (where I've played until now), they bond over the fact that they are warlocks stuck in bad contracts with bitch devils. Unfortunately he's genuinely a fully good person which means she feels too bad to truly talk to him about Her Contract and who Her Patron is bc it's a weird, and not exactly "good-natured" story lol. I imagine he thinks of her as someone he can relate to due to their similar situations but I can't think he'd be exactly approving of the selfish reasons behind her pact.

Gale: I have to be frank she initially finds him weird and awkward but very very fast starts liking him - he's the one she's most likely to get feelings for, truth be told, because Salice has a weakness for nerds of that type. That and it seems fated (to her) that she ends up being chummiest with wizards, for one reason or another. She does not handle her own feelings well tho so if I had to write the whole thing instead of having to follow the way the game does it it'd be a liiiiiiiiiittle complicated.

Also consolidated because of this insane ass line

Because she probably does in fact NOT bathe that much during adventuring. Anyways . I can't fully develop thoughts now. Tl;dr they get along well. Much to everyone's surprise

Astarion: boy she can't stand his ass....she feels sorry for him and everything like it sucks obviously. He had a shitty life. But she honestly sometimes is like "king just because you have been miserable you don't need to make everyone else miserable too. whats with you". The feeling is otherwise mutual I imagine because he also is like "this bitch has the audacity to tell me how to act after 200 years of Torture when she's in a contract with a fucking DEVIL.." which he is right for also. but they can be friendly sometimes. She lets him drink from her and such because she dgaf that much. frenemies. Would hit it if he acted straightforward for once though

Shadowheart: Salice would think she's okay and feels sorry for her that she's devoted to the point of mindlessly accepting her own suffering as part of her devotion. She doesnt care that shadowheart is a follower of Shar, she just thinks she needs to reevaluate at what point her religion should override her own comfort. Another case of damn that sucks on salice's part and Shadowheart also thinks Salice is fine herself, evenif she thinks it's weird that after opening up to her about her own struggle Salice has basically like. Said almost nothing about herself to her. Is considering holding her at knifepoint just to know ANYTHING (this is because salice is paranoid about sharing anything abt herself). But little does she know all she needs is a little alcohol and salice will be babbling in no time

Lae'zel: I think she and Lae'zel are on good terms because of a few things: Salice is cutthroat and can also fight well and LOVES to fight, honestly. they definitely banged once (and fought for dominance while doing it) but salice was like that was awesome but i think im good for a while (clueless about things to come) (Faerun's most sexually repressed woman [in the sense she likes showing off but can't take back what she dishes out]). Salice is just like, nice to Lae'zel because she's like what am i gonna do? Act like a bitch to her when she's helpful and surprisingly refreshing to be around ? Absolutely not. They're good friends who spar sometimes

Karlach: Salice likes Karlach because she thinks she's so Genuine and its so Rare to see . And as a result salice feels a little inadequate to being her friend but, considering everything and their shared passion for fighting, she does what she can to help her out. Even if it ain't the easiest task sometimes. I gotta think about this specific dynamic some more, but in general, they're on friendly terms. But Karlach wishes that salice was a little nicer and less of a cunt at times (not directly at her but at the others & people in general)

(smiles painfully) i think that's it. for now. Anyway. Thank oyu for the question i hope it helps

[kuromichad]

man sometimes you realize youve spent days on end doing mindless non-tasks while idly thinking about how everything is bad and nothing ever gets better and youre not excited by anything or hopeful for anything and kinda dont like it when other people express any kind of wonderment or ‘excessive’ optimism because it makes you flinch and etc etc etc and then finally it clicks like... oh bro you have depression huh... i feel like every month or two i rediscover the concept of depression because i forget there are more types than like ‘letting a plain tortilla fall out of your mouth’ or ‘crying frequently’. even though i think the irritable cynical type is what i have the most often.

ive been very hostile to any kind of like sympathy in the form of ‘2020-onward has been hard for literally everyone’ or like ‘youve been dealing with a lot’ because im like. that cant be true because i’m lucky that no one in even my extended family has gotten covid and my parents and grandparents i leech off of are already retired/work from home and like. between stimulus and cares act stuff ive had more money in the past year than in like my whole life. and even though it’s been difficult due to Phone Calls and dealing with incompetent people i did get to start hrt. so really i’m very spoiled and i guess (clearly) i resent myself for that. 

but all of this still um. sucks? like to just. every single day have to hear bad news and then see 300 slightly different posts in reaction to the bad news that just really drive in how bad everything is. you get like ten minutes to laugh about ‘reddit steals money from wall street via gamestop’ before then having to see people repeat over and over how doomed and miserable it is that ‘the government is letting people die but will rush to help the stock market’ and its like i know. i know. i know. the worst possible thing is always what’s going to happen and there’s no levity in the world without a bitter aftertaste. it’s great. i’m used to feeling this way about my own life but it really is hard to have it driven in so incessantly and deeply regarding just, the whole universe, for almost a year, with no end in sight. everything is bad every single thing has a rotten core. 

i feel unbelievably fucking stupid for it but i feel like probably the hardest thing for me, like the most insidiously damaging, in the past year has been like. ok so. we all know i’m a cringe ass nae nae Disney Adult. i have no desire to like, actively behave like one, but i know in >current year to like any disney anything at all in public past age ten is considered like peak braindead behavior. and i understand Why and it’s not like i disagree that Disney Is Bad. but for me disney parks have always been a bit different, a bit removed from whatever bad movie or shitty corporate move, there’s a more genuine spirit there right, whatever, youve seen me go on about this before. but this year its very very clear theyre uh. behaving evilly with the parks now too. i’m exposed to constant discourse about this because of having a Disney Family who likes to watch Disney Vloggers constantly (yes yes i know youre sending missiles to my house ouuhhh the cringe oh it burns i deserve this oooh) and having to hear these people whine nonstop about why doesnt disneyland reopen wah wah, and reading about the massive cast layoffs, and just. yknow. disney acting how everyone who wasnt stupid like me expected them to act. it’s made it impossible to engage with the whole concept of theme parks which was obviously a major interest for me, probably (pathetically) pretty much the only ‘non-fandom’ interest i have, one of the few arenas i could actually picture myself Having A Job in and actually being happy, basically the only thing ive ever like cornily waxed poetic about in posts the way other people on here rhapsodize about the moon or gay kissing or the found family trope or whatever, Ugh Cringe. 

and i just cant have that anymore. i cant bear to think about my, like, Special Interest anymore, because everything on earth comes back to how theres money involved and everything about how we deal with money is evil and people are always suffering and corporations are always ruining everything and nothing ever ever ever ever gets better nothing will ever be okay. and having that in the back of your mind nonstop, with constant external affirmation, is like. not good for you. like i think maybe... guys... im maybe allowed to be depressed. even if i dont like, know anyone whos died. (my paternal grandma did die last spring but it wasn’t covid.) This is a great revelation to arrive at. i don’t know what to do with it now though. like it does feel good to be able to blame something like it’s external, like ohh okay i feel bad this week (the past two months) (the past year) (my whole life) Because Of Depression, but it doesn’t... solve it. it’s not preventing next week from being differently bad in a way that it’ll take me a while to recognize yet again. but like at least im not suicidal like 2018 <3 im just. frustrated and sad.

i also kinda dont know why i’m posting about this. i guess i don’t really talk on here anymore but i also feel like i’ve been exhausting my friends lately with my bad moods and in particular, my need to Talk About everything. (theoretically i know that being a person who copes by venting/needs to talk through their feelings is like, a value neutral thing, people are just different from each other. but since a percentage lower than 100 of my friends are not the same way i decide oh okay this is evil and revolting.) so im just kinda. getting it out. here’s how im doing, how about you,

[psyopmyself]

Today I got a bipolar diagnosis

edit: btw, nobody was injured when i crashed. it was into a light post and nobody was around.

There is confetti everywhere around my room. And I am confused why there is such a mess and why it’s so pretty to me and also why despite seeing beauty in the mess I feel uncomfortable with my space having little shit all over it and I want it to be clean. Today shit hit the fan and the shit was a balloon and when it hit the fan it erupted and confetti flew everywhere. I got a bipolar diagnosis today. After nearly 10 years of clinical diagnoses from major depression, generalized anxiety, ocd tendency, mania, psychosis, to a literal thought disorder called delusional disorder, as well as PTSD, today I heard something that felt like it contains all of me and there is room for me to be me and not feel so confused and like my identity is all over the place depending which disorder is showing it’s face most. I am Cassidy Jean Gardner, and I am bipolar with PTSD. I feel terrified and so confused and Im crying while I write this but the tears feel like a relief a sweet rush of acceptance from and for myself that I have been yearning for for a long, long time. My therapist believes I have mixed manic-depressive bipolar called cyclothymic bipolar, not to be confused with a less “emotionally intense” cyclothymia diagnosis. With my understanding so far, I understand that Bipolar 1 is characterized by more manic tendencies with depressive stints. Bipolar 2 is characterized by more depressive tendencies with hypomanic bursts. The difference between these types of bipolar and the one have been experiencing the spectrum of for the last 2 and a half years years for sure is that BP 1&2 symptoms of mania or depression last several days, weeks, or months. Cyclothymic bipolar experiences of mania and depression can last hours. I have been so confused by my own mind for so long, and like my emotional responses to things were never valid, true, natural, and in my manic times, not even human. I can go from being manic to then coming across something that doesn’t fit my manic ideology and having an extremely depressed, hopeless response, to, sometimes it feels like minutes later, come up with a new “solution” that helps me feel better and relieved of the shame i feel about my manic beliefs and world view that I go right back up there again, and the cycle repeats. Thinking myself in and out of mania it can feel like. The days when I am not crippled or at best, so far, consistently hindered, by the accompanying anxiety of not having much of a sense of emotional normalcy or “neutral” perspective on things are my best days. The days when I am hypomanic, and I decide to scrap everything I’ve been working toward and stop identifying with these things in the name of authenticity libration and creativity, are my favorite right now, and that is hard. because it’s not super helpful to be this way- so passionate and “righteous”- that i throw out the window regard for any sort of routine i have worked hard to establish myself in the name of having “figured out something better”. It’a hard to feel so happy I can’t listen to my rational self because I feel so intoxicated by the feeling of happiness motivation and productivity I so crave. I am not sure what is harder. Being so manic that I become psychotic, completely delusional to the point that I literally believe I am Satan or Lucifer herself and that everything around me is confirming this horrible burden yet somehow “karmic blessing” that I never asked for, the the times when my depression is so bad I sleep for 16 hours of the day, have no motivation to even fathom life becoming better ever, and prefer to dream than live waking, walking life. I have lived in ambivalence for years, and as a coping mechanism I convinced myself I thrived in this arena. I see myself in front of the pendulum that is my mind. Every day it swings and I try to control it. It doesn’t stop swinging. It swings so roughly and rapidly that it flys out of the bars holding it up often. It’s like there is a wind pushing it that is the devil itself tricking me by being “invisible” aka not existing. When it’s on the manic side, I try to grab it and in the process get picked up off the ground and everything around the pendulum gets knocked over in my efforts to hold the pendulum and keep it on the “happy” side. Like the things around me are my life that I’ve built and they will fall as easily as bowling pins. There is no weight to keep them stable when I hit them. The foundation is slippery. On the depressive side, I rush over angry that I wasn’t strong enough to hold things on the manic side and desperately try to push it back toward my “happy” side, but it is so so fucking heavy. and I don’t remember it being that heavy and I cannot believe I ever fathomed loving the pendulum I was clinging to sometimes minutes earlier. Shame guilt self loathing. compared to my visions of grandiosity, of the world revolving around me, of having a sense of self worth and confidence and the courage to claim it and say hey i deserve to feel good about myself. to god how dare I ever think that. I am the most selfish person on the planet the sheer vain and foolishness to believe everything even anything really could possible be about or for me. I like to believe that I am somewhere in the middle. I prefer the hypomanic side, and this is a detriment as well, because i can easily get too high. but the hypomanic can be so... fun. The bits of excessive energy, the slightly inflated sense of self worth, the belief that I can follow my dreams and the ability to use my mind to direct my thoughts toward ways to create strategy to get where I want and build stepping stones. The fear of fallibility. the anxiety that comes with ever feeling good about myself from the ptsd of that abusive relationship and that night especially. I shouldn’t plan, because they will be foiled, if not by me by a man most likely. nowhere is safe, especially not my own mind.  thats’s where I perceived love, and oh hasn’t god shown me how powerful that is. being so manic that I confuse the feeling with someone being my soulmate, twin flame, my destiny. telling that person and responding to the rejection emotionally by going psychotic and fully delusional. How afraid I have been to love, of my own love, being truly loved that i don’t feel the need to constantly prove myself, and certainly the idea of ever loving myself for being who I am. In 2016 when I got PTSD and no longer was the “high functioning” “mentally ill” girl I was before, many people treated me like I had fallen from grace and it was my fault. Thank fucking god for the people who have been here for me. So many people took this as an opportunity it felt to slander me. “ha, I knew she wasn’t so wonderful, look how crazy she is. She intentionally crashed her car. who does that?” a person who is so confused with their undiagnosed bipolar and the fact they are going through a manic episode as a response to intense trauma therapy does that. I was told my whole life I was wonderful for being pretty and intelligent, and what a special combination. what a bitch of a “gift”. The two things I was naturally both with and did not earn, my intelligence and my body and my face. What about my humor? What about my ability to be a good friend? What about how hard I work? I was told I should never dare praise myself for these things because I was already “lucky enough” to be praised for the things I never asked for but was given by either genetics or fate- god knows. I have so many feelings. and I’m so grateful to know that I am impulsive. Sure, I’m “spiritually gifted”, but not necessarily everything has to be a blaring call from god or synchronicity that I must act on immediately if I want to see the “right things”, see the world the “right way”, and “be where I am to be”. My perfectionism has nearly killed me. Seeking to be spiritually perfect because I sure has hell was not physically or mentally perfect, I mean, look at those guys and girls more “beautiful”, look at those men and women more “accomplished”.  And the brainwashed peers (not their fault) for idolizing me, giving me a sense of power I never fucking sought. Sure. Maybe you can make the argument that my “soul wanted this”, but suffering was never in the deal. and I have suffered. I have been so miserable I didn’t even know how to fathom the energy to put together a plan to kill myself. and thank god for that level of depression, because I didn’t die. because I’m supposed to be here and finally I feel I can make some peace with my singular identity as Me, Cassie. someone who is fun, funny, smart, relatable, bipolar, and so much more. I feel terrified of stigmatization even though I know it’s fucked up that it even exists. At least, I think, with the delusional disorder diagnosis, even though it was similar to a schizophrenic diagnosis just lacking frequency of symptoms, hardly anybody knew what it was. Oh I have a thought disorder and the propensity to think in delusional ways sometimes. NBD tho as u can see I’m perfectly fine :). So many more people know about bipolar. And many have strong opinions. The plus here is that there is more push to end stigmatization and more research into ways to cope manage and accept this diagnosis which I am so thankful for, and more easily accessible community. There was nothing on delusional disorder. It was so uncommon that when my psychiatrist in the rehab told my therapist what my diagnosis was she handed me the DSM to read about it because she didn’t know what it was. Yeah, I went to rehab. Last november (2017) I had a psychotic break, though it was not my first experience with delusion. I became manic as a response to feeling rejected by a guy and it escalated to me hardly sleeping, doing a lot of cocaine and other drugs, and having a full blown psychotic break. I experienced psychosis for 2 and a half months. The first 3 weeks of this stint it was all i could feel or think about. At first it was fun, until it wasn’t. I legitimately thought that there was a secret society the illuminati that had been made to “illuminate” me, that all art had been inspired by me, the energetic muse, lucifer “finally reincarnating” back to earth in the age of aquarius and dawn of immortality, and nobody around me was safe because I was all that was valued by this illuminati and the people who I loved most were in danger because while I loved them most and the illuminati knew this, the illuminati was angry that these people has hurt me, someone who was so impressionable, “born schizophrenic and able to hide it in order to learn about ‘normal society’”, and were responsible for the pain I felt which I  handled with negative coping mechanisms like addiction. So it was my job to create worldly and spiritual circumstances to keep them safe from disaster and accident or murder because they all felt so bad about hurting me subconsciously that they had less of a will to live, and this was a dangerous way to think, subconsciously of course. That I was everyone’s higher self in the 4d’s favorite 3d person other than their person, and that they all were working to send me messages from the consciously unaware around me. I was fully out too my mind. I legitimately thought I was lucifer, the most hated person on the planet but god’s favorite angel, ready to ask for entry back into heaven. And the only thing that was me was my fear response to my thoughts and the way I read into everything. no I can’t dare think this this can’t dare be true but somehow everything around me is telling me it is. Literally fuck this. I felt that I needed to be with loved ones constantly to “keep them safe” and I understandably was simultaneously scaring the shit out of my family due to my mental health, and exhausting them. my mom and I both agreed the best thing was for me to go into a treatment center, the rose house. A “dual-diagnosis” rehab that treated mental health and addiction. Cool, well when I got there apparently every single reason I had mental health problems was because I had used substances, not because I had struggled with my mental health since becoming conscious in light of my father passing when i was almost 9 and eventually found drugs as a coping mechanism. I felt shamed for my addiction to marijuana and 100% misunderstood and ostracized. out of the 15 women there all of the girls my age were in primarily for addiction and the only woman who was there for first mental health was an older woman named Kathleen, and she wasn’t an addict. The delusions never stopped I got better at hiding them. I was heavily medicated, afraid, fearing homelessness if i didn’t follow my family wishes to finish the 90 day program, and still pretty insane. After I got my diagnosis I left the treatment the night I got onto “transition” 67 days in and got my phone back, called a friend, and got brought up to fort collins where thank god emma was willing to let me stay with her. Miraculously, the delusions stopped within days. I was no longer so stressed and afraid that I couldn’t think for myself. I was bipolar this entire time. and my mania was “so irrational and unrecognizable” that they didn’t even know to recognize that this was my issue, it was more like I was “almost schizophrenic” without the visual hallucinations or auditory hallucinations. I wasn’t hearing other voices, but the voice in my head wanted me dead just as much as it told me I had a special reason to stay alive. I had a “sane reaction to insane circumstances”, and I temporally lost my mind. and I was petrified and anxiety ridden to the point I couldn’t function for months. I couldn’t make a single decision for weeks without going into full blown panic. I felt like everyone knew something that I didn’t and that they couldn’t tell me what I thought I knew, just give me hints, because otherwise they could be punished and also because they “believed in me”. I felt horribly betrayed while simultaneously fearing abandonment and isolation so much I felt I had developed Stockholm syndrome.  

When I experienced full blown psychosis that was so scary, my whole life went to shit. I lost my scholarships. I lost my house in boulder so my family could afford rehab. everything changed while I was in panic and when I “returned” to a “normal” state of mind I couldn’t recognize anything in my own life, even myself. When I was on medication I gained 70 pounds in 2 and a half months. I went into rehab 95 pounds. I was so manic for months, either full blown or hypo, that I would forget to eat. And I was 165 when I left. I hated my life and the months following I was more depressed than I can ever remembered. I relapsed in april. april to september was a mix of drugs and romance that I don’t really care for. When I got sober again, prompted by a really scary night of returning to psychotic thinking which I thankfully learned reality checking skills for, I feel like after 4 almost 5 years of using drugs I was finally ready to stop feeling so out of control, at least with my substance use. Thank god for today, no matter how afraid i am of my future. I am just as hopeful. I have for hate myself for the ways I have treated people in my manic episodes, my family in my depressive episodes, and how I can hardly even remember it. but I do not deserve to feel this hate. I was suffering. I was living in a world I hadn’t found the words to describe. and now I know. That I am beautiful. truly. inside and out. and I have a beautiful mind. I love fiercely. I believe I can make a contribution to help “save the world”. That those who are mentally ill should be hugged tightly when they need it, that schizophrenic people especially, imo, are horribly and unfairly understood and deserve to feel cherished and accepted just as much as anyone else, not to be feared and casted out of society. I believe every single person no matter what deserves to know they are not alone, no matter how lonely they feel, and so much more good. I am not the ugly or the bad. I am a motherfucking survivor. And thank god I didn’t die the day I re-enacted my dad’s car accident. Because I do have a purpose, and it is special. Most importantly, it’s just as special as everyone else’s special purpose. We are all in this together. And I’m excited to find a community of people who have fought similar battles. Who I can laugh about my “a trillion under the sun” delusions with and find humor in the ways my mind sought to preserve a will to live. and how other people have done the same. I am me, and today I became free of my own condemnation. I will struggle, but now I know there is community and resources that I don’t need to scour the earth to find. I have a home, and it is here, proud to be me. There is confetti everywhere around my room. Who knew that balloon I had been so afraid of letting go of was my own attempt to celebrate myself. I may feel late to my own party, but I’m here now. And there is no problem with not wanting my room to always look like a wild rave. I can always make more confetti, anyways :) 

To end with some gratitude, thank god for my true friends and my family. Emma has never left my side as my best friend, even in the distance of living in different parts of the state.  She is my best fucking friend. My other close best friends as well, who have not been afraid to hug me when I swore to them my entire body was covered in needles. My mom, who has done everything for me to make sure I know I am never truly alone, no matter how much my mind tries to tell me otherwise. For my little brother, for putting up with my craziness and still being willing to love me and laugh with me at the end of the day. Everyone in my life now is so beautiful it’s hard to deny that there may be some beauty in me, too, then, if they all tell me they like when I’m around. I’m grateful to know that my father, who i have idolized though gone now, was whole loved by the people around me. Whose described as “large than life” personality and substance abuse may have been a way to mask bipolar symptoms, was still a loved personality and loved person. This I know. This people have convinced me. and that I am of him just as much as I am of my mother. I’m grateful for the mental health professionals who have not given up on me, even when they required i be medicated in order to be able to be worked with, even when i was misdiagnosed, these people have helped to save my life too. so many times. And I am so grateful for my higher power, for prayer, the only thing that felt safe to think that sometimes I would just repeat the serenity prayer for hours for the sake of at least having a way to direct my anxious energy and not be in panic from my own delusional thoughts. God, who has always shown me that i will never be truly abandoned or given up on, who has helped me understand my higher power as something that is absolutely not punitive. My family and friends have been my lifeboats, and god, the universe, gaia, the god in every person, has shown me how to survive the storm. I am. I desire. I see. and i am free. 

This has been such a clusterfuck of emotions coming out that I have been wanting to feel for a long time and as messy as this is i’m grateful as well for the will to sit through this and write about these experiences, no matter the feelings they bring up. Because know I feel free to understand that the feelings will pass, sometimes more quickly than others, and that I can always survive. Even when that’s all I “manage” to do. Today. I stayed sober. I laughed. I put up the christmas tree with my mom and brother. I talked on the phone with my best friend. I told close friends what I learned about myself today. and I got diagnosed with bipolar. and I found a hope and interpretation for my mental narrative that I never felt was right for me because i don’t understand the words for what i was experiencing. I have learned today. And I have grown. and I am smiling as i finish typing this with tears rolling down my face, because I believe I can be happy. Sustainably happy. and sustainably grateful and hopeful when it’s hard to get to feeling the happiness. I believe and I survive. and I become<3 I am 21. I am brilliant. and I am bipolar. 

[impivus]

very rushed very shit intro comin @ you all but here goes nothing ! i’m felix from the gmt tmz, i use he / him pronouns, and im gonna power nap any minute now because one thing you should know about me is that i’m eternally on the verge of passing out from minimum exertions during the day. this is my pain in the ass eunsu: not even going to sugar coat it - he’s the human personification of a headache dumpster fire all in one beefy package and i really don’t even blame your character if they just . ignore his presence because, me too !

under the cut there’s some information about him if you want to get to know more about him regardless. smash that mf heart if you want to plot.. and i will get to you ? sometime ? its an ambiguous promise but i keep them, discord is also an option so just ask if you’d prefer to plot on there. eun’s about is here but no plots as of yet because life is hard and We Cant all Have Everything 

aka im lazy 

* ☾ ✧ * º ━━ is that KIM JONGIN walking about ? nope ! that’s just EUN SU CHO. & i’ve been told that they work as a INFORMATION BROKER ! apparently, they are TWENTY FIVE ( 204 )  years old .  some people say they are a CISMALE, DEMON ! HE is very CULTIVATED & INTUATIVE but also DECIETFUL &  MENACING. i wonder if they are just as odd as the rest of us .  ⇢  SYNOPSIS. MBTI TYPE  /  entp, the debater ZODIAC SIGN  /  scorpio   ENNEAGRAM TYPE  /  7w8 KINSEY SCALE  /  3 MORAL ALIGNMENT /  chaotic evil / neutral HOGWARTS HOUSE / slytherin ⇢ AESTHETICS. 

goosebumps raised and feelings of growing dread, the dark corner of a room where light doesn’t reach, silver pocket - watches with dead batteries, the scratch of a record player needle, flares in the sky, bad ideas coming to life, half-assed clapping when it’s required, figures dancing within the shadows & a smile you shouldn’t trust . 

⇢ OVERVIEW

literally anybody: when are you free?  eun su: im forever imprisoned in my own personal hell so i am never truly "free" but i don't really have plans all next week except for monday

this is eun su, and will y’all believe me if i say he used to be a good egg before he turned into the rotten egg i’m presentin y’all with today ??  i kid u not.. bs free zone. he did once ..  have a hort  he was born to a cult of witches, his twin brother absorbing all the magic that was meant to be equally distributed between them in his mother’s womb, which pretty much left eunsu as the black sheep of the family. said cult had been living on a small, near enough desolated island for literal decades, entertaining themselves with magic, seeking out knowledge, observing the unassuming populace, and toying with other supernatural creatures who dared cross their paths. unfortunately for eunsu’s family, tragedy struck when one of his aunt’s tried to over throw the high priestess ( his mother ) in their coven. unyielding in her position and untouchable to the magic she was exposed to, her sister went about other ways to break the woman’s spirits, dabbling in black magic predominantly to achieve her goals. eunsu’s brother was, thus, cursed before he was even born with an incurable heart defect that would see him dead before he reached double figures. eunsu’s mother was broken not mourned over how much he missed out as on a child: but she mourned for the fact that he was the only child that harboured any magic in their veins, the only child that could’ve carried on their lineage.   queue entrance of eunsu and his Whats the Worst that Could Happen Attitude. being young and naive, thought he could’ve been able to solve it by himself, solve the issues and earn his mother’s lacking affections. eun had heard about dark vessels that could miraculously grant wishes through summonings. though he didn’t have magic in his veins he had a fire in his heart, and after all, demons cared not for who or what they fed from: so long as they appeased their hunger.  all it wanted in return was a good, pure soul, and that’s what the demon stole from him before it mended his twin brother’s heart, giving the boy a new lease of life that wasn’t intended for him from the start. pity that eunsu died before he got to the age of twenty, following a quick and hungry fever that overtook his frail body and too soon turned deadly. there was no surprise that, come judgement day, he was turned away at the gates of heaven, in exchange for becoming one of lucifer’s own.

as a result of being eternally cursed with immorality and a tainted soul, he's lived some hundred-odd years and is coping by making the current populace in jeonseoul suffer along with finding purpose in digging out the secrets of his past life, mayhaps trying to find the demon who cursed him.... which could definitely be a wc.. and strengthening his abilities as a demon.

his personality is a bit insufferable; eunsu keeps himself distant and cryptic, because he likes it that way. he's a real weirdo ( if u have ever watched hxh he’s hisoka.. THAT weird )  that's hard to forget: completely mischievous, dramatic, and malicious to boot. some days he's waxing poetic about the futility of having a sense of justice and the next he's using his demonic powers to make some innocent tourist think they're hallucinating as they attempt to walk into a steady flow of traffic. 

ultimately life's a game to him and bih.. he’s here to have fun ! he's outlived his actual family and friends ( well, aside from his brother who he barely remembers, prolly be a wc if anyone’s interested ) and he's not looking to get attached to anyone. it would be great to Die because it’s his forever Mood but he also gets furious if anyone tries to actually expel him for real - so he'll simply prod at the world and its people until he gets the reactions he wants.

fair warning: it is a pain to genuinely care about eunsu and not many people will wanna do it. he comes and goes into people's lives as he pleases, stops reaching out once he's bored and only ever grazes the surface of a relationship based on its worth or his curiosities, innocent ppl, cute ppl, etc are just gonna be eaten up by him then dropped. 

the people who will be closest to him are doubtlessly other demons ig ? but he also hates y’all too so.. don’t get too friendly like he’s not here to make friends he’s here to be Jeonseoul’s next top Demon. also since he died sumn like 200 years ago it’s possible some wizards / familiars knew of him and his coven, it’d be super interesting for someone to have known cute human eunsu in exchange for chaotic bastard demon eunsu 

⇢ MISCELLANEOUS

since he’s a young demon, his horns are small and his wings barely span about two inches above his shoulder bones, he got itty bitty bat wings lbr he’s kinda pissed abt it. there’s tattoos over his scars from clashing with other demons / hunters / angels, but his devil’s mark lining the back of his neck, performed by first demon who took his soul, has never faded away. 

he also works as an info broker, which ties in with the fact that he’s a contractual demon ! it's more of a hobby than a job, something he does for kicks and to restock his gambling money and alcohol money, but he offers a helping hand to solo clientele for private cases if need be, just remember to bring your negotiation skills because his manipulation skills are a1.

he's well-versed in witchcraft even if he can’t actually possess the abilities that actual witches can. while hardly the mentoring type, he could be convinced to equip people with his knowledge of latin, spells or dark magic they want if he's interested enough. then again he might decide to screw them over for kicks so ask him for favours with caution.

for someone who carries a ton of spite and secrets, he passes as an easygoing, casual literature major on the daily to disguise his true intentions. find him at the university pretending to be a student and failing miserably at it like edward’s thousand year old ass in twilight

he cheats at the casino with his demonic powers but does it infrequently enough to pass it as luck. play games with him at your own risk. casinos are one of his favourite places but he can really be found anywhere with ease but some other places he frequents are: beaches, libraries, museums, bars, etc !

he'll get on people's nerves, but getting him to care to the degree of hate is another story. living this long has numbed him; people don't surprise him anymore and he doesn't care to spend time thinking about others. the secret to getting him to turn deathly serious is as simple as telling him you can tell that he was once a good person - because the cheesy truth is he was. he just convinces himself that he's given up trying to remember his human life and finds it easier to live like he’s dead.. yknow which he is.

romance makes him queasy, he's a spiteful old bastard and the concept of sweet love rubs him 100% fictional. there's someone he fancied before he was cursed but i'll save you the story: that's a distant dream now.

he might quote romantic works or put some pretty words together but he's fake as Fuck. if he notices someone innocent and unsuspecting crushing on him they are in so much trouble. he'll kiss their hand then twirl them right off a cliff. corruption kink central right here laid ease

as of rn he’s trying to master how to teleport and shadow control but he really is like on level one and he’s got to get up to level 50 to achieve even a fifth of what these other demons can do 

edit: i totally forgot to include eunsu’s ‘demonic’ title after he was banished to the perils of hell. it’s ironically just saint, and he goes around using that bc it’s blasphemous and a big ole middle finger to god himself. nobody will know his real name, but if there’s an off chance that they do, that’s a massive threat to eunsu and he’ll get his Snipers on Scene

tl;dr: 

[ac-ars]

What if I want it all?

oh damn kill me, this day was super meme so i was distracted almost all the time (ofc i didnt take the prompt that literally lmao)

this one is for @sky-girls because im sure she will know why, i love you very much barbara

~this baby is continuation of day 4~

other ficweek fics

DAY 6: “You’re offering to give me a kiss if I buy your shitty fundraiser popcorn? Well, in that case…”

What if I want it all?

Matteo doesn’t feel really close to his uni especially since he graduated, but sometimes those not cool people he had many occasions to meet have nice ideas. Like fundraising during uni events or sport days. Now he attends them all as well, because, well, it means no classes and despite his position he likes no classes. So except those extra people who do everything to show off their pretty/ugly faces or get some contacts in uni to pass easily, there are also those who actually care about getting money for some reason.

After he graduated he remembers they were fundraising for some orphanage, the other time for the hospital. There was something about the closest kindergarten, but Matteo doesn’t really remember what. Today there is this sports day; he will see all those ambitious students running around and competing like he used to, before he got bored with that.

He is completely sure he’s gonna die of boredom, but fundraising people gonna have it worse; they’ve always been poor unfortunate souls almost sleeping by their tents and those booths looking more miserable than kids selling lemonade in the States. Matteo looks the alarm on his phone screen shutting the snooze for third time with a sigh and turns in the sheets. Lyra meows at him probably complaining about this devilish device that wakes her up again. Good she’s too lazy to actually move the phone on his bed until it falls down and the screen breaks (happened once or twice; he’s never been mad for long).

“Just go to sleep, cat,” he mumbles and she hits him with her tail, completely offended by the name Ambar has been using since day one. “Okay, I’m sorry. Don’t hit me, I love you.”

The only reply from her is satisfied meow and her head rubbing under his chin.

He is going to be super late at uni, but also he will be super late at home in the afternoon, so snuggles with his girl are worth being late. When it’s half past seven he gives up; he needs to wake up and the only thought in Matteo’s head is deep regret of promising the professor he would be there for sure.

It’s not his favorite thing to do. Not even top ten.

Then this sudden idea hits him. What if Luna is gonna be there too?

They are nothing though. They haven’t started texting, calling each other or even talking about something else than class stuff. He can say he’s been pretty disappointed with this, but she’s been very good at acting the most casual.

It’s not like Matteo Balsano isn’t able to keep his chill for a girl, but there is something in her he can’t forget. How warm she was in his arms, how her breath tickled his skin, how her forehead felt under his lips. He accepted that; it’s not like anything would happen between them, or at least not now. Matteo gets lost in those thought and the next place he finds himself is by the door with his jacket and car keys in his hand. Before leaving he yells to Lyra that he loves her much and closes the apartment.

As soon as he takes first step into the campus he wants to take step back and run to his car. There is at least this luck of his that no one will bump into him even by accident since by some magic Matteo is really known at his faculty. No one would like to have a problem with nim and he is not sure if it is because of the fact they remember him from earlier or they just know who he is at this point.

He needs to find the professor right now to show him that his ass appeared here just like he promised. Matteo hopes he can just talk to the guy and go to Gastón’s to chill. Or maybe he should invite Gastón over?

Plot twist: professor told Matteo to check all places and make sure all students are handling their shit correctly and smiled saying he's been doing great. Matteo almost cried in horror, but he needs to do that. It's just that he really doesn't feel like smiling to everyone and being nice; he just wants to sleep and not remember about two tons of grading on his desk.

He sighs going to dart competition booth checking if there's really no way some high school kid kills or at least stabs themselves and bless, because they would only throw the dart at the organizing student, but that doesn't matter that much. He has to eat this disgusting free cake baked by some anti masterchef, hoping he won't get food poisoning. Of course, Matteo tells them they did great job and those students smile so brightly at him he can't say otherwise.

He almost gets hit when some high schooler tries to throw the basketball to the basket, but it's working in some way so he just tells them to chill and not to hit the cake next to them.

When Balsano is almost done with the papers and he notices on the last page the dog shelter booth and he immediately feels bad for not even thinking they are there. He has a cat himself so that's super nice to know someone cares about puppies enough to get money for them.

Matteo hasn't expected the person who is there though.

At first Italian just crossed his arms watching the person who is sitting by the booth. She rests her arms on it and her head is laying on top with really neutral face. The most hilarious thing about seeing Luna Valente here is the fact she's wearing sunglasses in the shade.

“I see you are having fun.” Matteo chuckles softly shifting his position slightly. She doesn't answer, ignoring him completely and he isn't sure what he did wrong, but something hits his stupid head and his fingers reach for her sunglasses.

Matteo bursts out with loud laugh making her jump on her seat. She has been shamelessly napping.

“What?” she mumbles rubbing her eyes when she sees it's him. “Let me sleep, please.”

“From what I know you're fundraising right now, little lady, not sleeping.” He lowkey curses himself for using this nickname he used during the party, but she seems too confused enough by sudden waking up to notice.

“I've been sitting here since seven am, and I am super tired, please Matteo, just let me nap.” He sighs and goes from behind the booth to sit next to her on the other chair.

Luna doesn't move away and he jumps with relief inside. “Couldn't sleep at night?”

Brunette lets air out quickly. “Yes, you should know it. It's your fault,” she mumbles and he almost chokes.

“I don't know if I should take it as compliment or-” He pokes her on the ribs softly and she jumps glaring at him.

“It's not. You wanted the test to be tomorrow so I was studying.” Her pout is definitely too cute to not smile at it.

“Well, I'm sorry I want everyone to pass.” Matteo shrugs and she growls resting her forehead on the desk when he continues. “How long do you have to sit here?”

“Until three.” He barely hears her mumble, so he has to lean his head next to hers.

“You poor thing, are people at least coming over here?”

“No, they are drawn by this shitty free cake because it's free. They don't want my popcorn.”

“You have popcorn?” Matteo raises his eyebrows.

“Yeah and it sucks as hell too. Why did I even agree to this?”

He smiles nudging her slightly. “I would buy your popcorn.”

Luna grins back at him and her eyes soften before she coughs violently, startling him a little. “There’s no way I would let you buy the popcorn.” Her head shakes.

Matteo turns to her on the chair hitting her knee with his and leans his elbow on the table. “Why wouldn’t you?”

Brunette bites her lower lip and picks up this small board her hands were keeping down. He hasn’t noticed it before so it wakes up his curiosity super quickly. “Because of that, like hour ago the professor noticed there wasn’t much money here so he looked at me and asked if I liked kissing people.” She shrugs and Matteo still doesn’t get what happened with that.

He softly takes her hands moving them away and raises the board.

BUY POPCORN GET A KISS SUPPORT PUPPIES

Balsano laughs out loud leaning his head on Luna’s arm. She growls pushing him away but he presses his forehead to her shoulder blade and keeps giggling until he feels tears in corner of his eyes.

“I hate you.” He can hear her murmur next to his ear.

Italian ignores her comment, which is completely, surely a lie. “And how was it? Have you kissed someone?”

Blush tints her already red cheeks and he suddenly feels uncomfortable when he thinks about her kissing someone. She opens her mouth unsure. “Like three people, I think. Maybe four, but one was in the cheek because it was too much.”

Matteo hates it. He hates the idea of someone having her lips on theirs. Even if it was for a second, they still got farther than he has ever managed. What is one kiss, one quick peck just to get money for puppies, though, compared to having her in his arms by her idea for an hour? He guesses that it is enough to not burn entire popcorn she has and pull her away from there.

“Was it nice at least?” Leaves his mouth before he can stop himself. Why the fuck is he digging the topic?

“I guess? It’s for the dogs after all, and the one girl who bought double popcorn was hot.” She rambles uncontrollably and it makes him chuckle, but in his head he is throwing all of the damn popcorn into a black hole.

“As long as she was hot, I guess.” He just shrugs.

“You don’t seem to be into that.”

Pout appears on her face along with small cute frown when he doesn’t really answer. He just looks at the watch on his wrist and hums deep in thoughts. Luna nudges him with her elbow waking him up, but she gets another shrug from him.

Brunette says nothing really for few minutes before he casually reaches for her hand and starts playing with star ring on her finger. “Do you have to stay here only until the popcorn is all sold?”

She licks her lips like involuntarily and sighs. “Yeah, if it’s gone before three I’m free.”

“I can buy it all,” he says casually, as if he’s talking about the weather.

“What the fuck?” Luna almost falls off the chair and he has to catch her waist to keep her up. “How would you do that? And what’s with all this popcorn?”

“I’m seeing my best friend this afternoon, I’m sure he would love to get some free popcorn from me.”

Luna giggles. “If you do I will call you my hero.”

“But you know…” he starts leaning closer, not sure what the hell he is doing right now, and smirking a little. “I’m gonna get the popcorn, support the puppies… So what about the kiss?”

Blush on her face grows much much and she looks super pretty. He has no idea what he wants to achieve, because looking at her recent actions she doesn’t really seem to want to be close to him in any way.

Matteo shouldn’t want that. He really, really shouldn’t.

Yet she’s the primary star to him; he can’t even try to gravitate away from her brightness and warmth. He thought he didn’t need anything except this he had already had, but then Luna Valente happened embracing him with her smile, with her happiness. No matter where he appears she is there and he wants to follow her everywhere as well.

They shouldn’t, but they are gravitating towards each other despite all shit that’s standing on their way. And there’s much of this shit.

Her teeth find her lower lip taking all of his focus when she seems to be thinking about that very intensely. “Do you really want to get the kiss?”

“Only if you are willing to give me one.”

His smile must convince her. His eyes must convince her. Something she has inside her head must convince her because she nods softly and takes deep breath, not really knowing what to do. Matteo can notice it, she’s super easy to be guessed right now, and - to his surprise - she wants to kiss him as well.

She just doesn’t know how.

He pulls the curtain that’s hanging around the booth and pushes it to cover them from any sight before he presses his lips to hers softly. Luna gasps surprised and pulls away after a second, but it’s dark, it’s dark and she’s confused, breathing faster and she probably feels super warm - judging by her blush.

And yet she pulls him back; her mouth slow when her hand reaches for his lacing their fingers. Matteo smiles widely almost making the kiss impossible, but she giggles as well and it’s as awkward as beautiful.

Because the brightest star on the sky is binary.

Gastón was the happiest seeing amount of the popcorn just for him.

After cold shower he had to take to chill down all emotions Matteo gets to the bed with big grin on his face. He has no idea what’s gonna happen now, or when, or if it’s gonna happen at all, but he got to kiss Luna and nothing would fuck this day for him.

He falls on the pillow startling Lyra and covering his eyes with his forearm. There’s this moment of silence when he feels her stomping over his chest and teasing his mouth with her paw. Italian automatically kisses it like he does every single time she does it, earning a content meow from her.

Suddenly he sits up catching her with his hands and placing her on his lap. His fingers brush through her soft soft fur making her purr and himself smile.

“You know that I love you, right?”

Lyra looks at him and meows again probably saying that she loves him back. Or at least that’s what he would like to think she says.

“And I love you very much,” he adds watching her carefully. She hits his leg with her tail, getting probably impatient.

“I wanted to ask you, because many things depend on you-” He stops scratching her chin and taking deep breath. “What would you think if I liked another girl?”

[fyrapartnersearch]

Hello I am here and so are you, so we have one thing in common already

✿Short and Sweet✿

I am looking for an 18+ long-term partner whose primary pairings are M/M. I don’t want anyone who takes things too seriously, RPing is a relaxing pastime and if I’m stressing about replying constantly/meeting word counts I’m going to hate it. That being said I do like doing paragraph replies with anywhere from 300-1000 words, depending on how long my replies are I can reply every day or every week (it really just depends on my motivation/mood/schedule)

Please skim over my interests and the like at the bottom to see how compatible we are. Since I’m looking for a long-term partner, I’d like for us to have several things in common. Please don’t contact me if only one or two of our interest match up. <3

✧Settings✧

Sci-fi/Space Opera

Post-apocalypse

Medieval/Fantasy

Modern Day (No generic High School/ Domestic stuff)

Historical

War

Fandom: Warhammer 40k, Star Trek, Star Wars, Mass Effect, Voltron:LD, Fallout, Elder Scrolls, Dragon Age, W.o.W., SnK, Tokyo Ghoul,  (I only do OcxOc in fandom settings. I will not play, or play against canon characters)

✧Kinks/Other✧

Likes

Size Differences

Power Bottoms

Gentle Giants

Fem Boys/Crossdressing (both as a sexual and non-sexual thing, really just depends on how it’s presented)

Monster boys/Men

Robots

Aliens

Toxic relationships

M/S Relationships

Bondage

Dislikes

Standard dislikes (Toiletplay, Bestiality, Pedophilia Etc.)

Incest

Mpreg

✧Contact✧

Email: Dunkmastersassquatch@gmail.com

Skype: Dunkmastersassquatch (Kaptain Krunch)

  ✿Long and Detailed✿

I am looking for a totally rad person who is 18 years of age or older and who places value in long-term partnerships/friendships. I like to get to know my partners and would like to be able to speak casually with them about our ideas or whatever. If you are also looking for someone who just wants to kick back and have some fun making our characters miserable then please continue below to see how well our interests line up!

✪ About Me✪

Age: 20

Times Zone: Central Time

Occupation: Severely depressed college student

Hello, I write and also draw and also am looking for an RP partner who shares many of my interests so we can write together for many, many years and over many RPs.

I’m pretty laid back about most things. I just ask that you communicate with me about things instead of just assuming and that you are fairly literate. (Text speech/ Lingo is a-okay as long as it’s OOC or fits the RP)

I’d like for us to be friends as well as partners because it helps motivate me to write/draw/ feel the good vibes ™. So please, please talk with me about your interests/ fandoms/day as well as any plot ideas or twists you may have because I will certainly jabber on about mine. BTW Feel free to say no to my ideas if you’re not interested, I’ll be disappointed, but I’ll get over it. (I will assume the same goes for you)

✪ About My Roleplaying ✪

Comfort level word count: 300-500

Tense: Third Person, Present (will do past if it’s super important to you)

Frequency: Depends, but if I’m at my comfort level I’ll probably be able to respond multiple times a day. Anything above that will of course take me longer.

I would prefer to RP over skype or some other IM system ( I could be convinced to get a Discord, but the thing is my internet is super slow and downloading it would take an hour, I’m not exaggerating it’s that bad, and I just really don’t feel like doing that right now)  however, E-mail is also okay.

Skype: Dunkmastersassquatch

Email: Dunkmastersassquatch@gmail.com

Grammar and what not is kind of important I guess, but not as important as content. I’m not sure if this ad is really an accurate example of my writing potential as I’m just kind of spewing out whatever. That being said if you’re okay with the level this ad is written at, then you’ll probably be okay with my actual writing. If you’re not okay with it then, eh, take a chance?

As for my characters, I play Doms, Subs, and Switches and don’t really have a preference for one over another. Keep in mind that sometimes my subs are whiney, uke boys and sometimes they will twist your nips and call you a cuck. AKA my character’s personalities are not dependent on their position in bed, HOWEVER sometimes their personality will, coincidentally, line up with the stereotype of their position.

✪ Pre-existing Ideas/Interest✪

Just to show you kind of how my mind works. Feel free to ask for one of these (and add to them <3) or not. The summaries don’t indicate which character I want to play (because I’m mostly good with playing either) so let me know if you have a preference towards a character.

✧General✧

Sci-fi/Space Opera:

1. I have this alien race that are essentially gender neutral, like there’s no way to tell their gender unless you get in their pants. They pretty much consider even KNOWING what gender they are as extremely intimate and somewhat taboo. So they take forever to choose a mate and when they do it’s for life. I’d be pretty down for doing something with that.

2. A near-homeless man finds an old broken down robot behind one of his favorite restaurants. It’s an old, outdated model, but he thinks he can fix it up with just a little time.

Post-apocalypse:

The world is broken, it’s times like this when people need to come together to rebuild what was lost. Like that’s going to happen, every semi-competent faction is vying for control of more land, more money. Its times like THIS when smart people, really smart people can get ahead. That’s just what the tactician is doing. He’s a smart guy who’s never lost a battle and he’s up for grabs to any faction that’s willing to shell out the cash. However, smart guys like that tend to make enemies and the faction he’s working for insists he have a bodyguard.

Supernatural:

1. It’s an equal exchange, the vampire bites you and gets fed and the represents they release gives you the high of your life. It’s only good business to do it in a hotel room or something so you’re not tripping on the streets, but what happens when your vampiric dealer doesn’t want to leave. (I have a bit more to this world so just ask if you’re interested)

2. He’s always been a bit of a loner, a ghost to society. When he moves into his new apartment he doesn’t really see it as much of a change, until he lays down to sleep and feels hands running through his hair.

Medieval Historical/Medieval Fantasy:

1. (Medieval Fantasy) This was the big expedition, this cave was going to have all the riches of his dreams. The cave-in however, that wasn’t to be expected. These cave were abandoned right? So why can he feel something watching him.

2. (Medieval Fantasy) After 10,000 an evil necromancer awakens from the curse that paladin put on him, he’s ecstatic to find out his Orc bodyguard was cursed too. Now they can continues their plans for world conquest and also get some revenge.

3. (Medieval Historical) He’s a highwayman all he wants is your money or your life. One day an unsuspecting priest comes along and tries to bargain for his life with the word of God. It’s didn’t work, but something in his eyes kept him from killing the priest.

4. (Medieval Fantasy) Someone’s plotting to kill the king and all bets are on the shady court magician. There’s no proof though, so the king assigns personal servants to all within his court as a “gift” (to spy) Maybe the court magician isn’t as evil as everyone says….or maybe he’ll have his new servant face down in the gutter by tomorrow.

Modern Day:

1. He’s been crushing on the cute boy in his precalculus class since the semester started. He finally gets the never to ask him out, only to later find out that his love interest is a furry. What’s a furry?

2. He had no clue his dorm mate was a mass murderer, what even more surprising is that he’s in love with him. (Killing Stalking sort of thing)

3. Crime Bosses weren’t supposed to fall in love, especially not with someone in law enforcement, even if that “law enforcement” is a mall cop.

Historical:

I don’t really have any prompts of my own I just put this here to let you know I’m into this too. Do refrain from using real people from history, I’m not into that. (Including real events/facts is A+ tho.)

Superheroes (actually mostly villains) and stuff:

1. He’s the number one fan of the number one bad guy in the world. Sure he wants to see the world burn, but if the posters on this nerd’s wall say anything it’s that he wants to watch it burn too.

2. The boss isn’t the smartest guy around, but that’s why he’s here. His henchman and unofficial bodyguard, he’s content to let his boss run about with his foolish plans even if the ones in his own head are 10x better.

✧Fandom✧

I will only do OCxOC in fandom settings. I will not play or play against canon characters. It’s just not my thing, sorry. v-v

Warhammer 40k:

*While I’m not a super lore whore I will try to keep pretty close to it. This means that, yes, I expect any Space Marine characters to be impotent. But I mean hey have you SEEN the size of their fingers, I mean, tsk, come on…COME ON…*

1. A Tzeentch/Slaaneshi psyker finds an ancient deamonic staff of domination (it’s prolly Slaaneshi too, let’s be honest) which forces its user’s will on one other person. Being a whimpey little psyker he decides to use it on a chaos lord of Khorne, who is pretty upset about the whole thing, to say the least. (this is actually based off two of my O.C.s we can keep as close to their story, or as far from is as you’d like.)

2. Love can bloom…or it can violently explode within the chamber of an ancient Eldar long rifle. While exploring some ancient ruins one day, a lone rogue trader finds a discarded rifle on the floor. Upon picking it up he finds that it…speaks to him? It’s really got a tongue on it too, but hey it’s too awesome of a weapon to give up.  (Yes this is a relationship between a man and the soul of an ancient Eldar that resides in a gun….)

Star Trek:

1. The son of a prominent Romulan commander abandons his duties and becomes a notorious smuggler. Now he’s on the run from the Tal’ Shiar (who are trying to drag him home), a Ferengi trader (whom he may or may not have sold faulty weapons to) and a Klingon bounty hunter (who he’s tempted to be captured by.)

2. Comfort women were a common sight within the quarters of Cardassian soldiers during the occupation. However, this Gul would rather seduce a known Bajoran resistance fighter. After all the greater the challenge, the greater the reward.

 Star Wars:

1. An admiral is supposed to be reliable, smart, and efficient he is, after all, in command of an entire fleet of ships. This admiral, as CT-7465 has found out, is a little too young and laid back for the job. (Clone Wars Era)

2. They were supposed to stay together, best friends fighting side by side against the Sith, until he became a Sith. (Pre Prequels.)

Voltron:LD:

1. A Galra commander is dragged along by one of his friends to one of those ridiculous slave auctions. He expected to sit there bored as his friend lusted over all his new “options”. For the most part he was right, but why does that boy keep catching his eye? (A sort of sweet Galra bby)

2. A Galra commander is fed up with spending his nights alone, he needs someone to share his bed and he wants them to be perfect. So he picks up one of those slave order catalogues and starts filling in all his specifications. When his slave finally arrives, he’s not quite what was ordered. (An abusive Galra bby)

3. (Alt. Universe) The Human Empire dominates the galaxy under Emperor Shiro Takashi and a recently promoted chancellor now has the kind of money he needs to fulfil one of his most devious fantasies: owning a Galra pet.

 Fallout:

I don’t really have any plots for this either, but I would absolutely love to do something in this universe!

 Elder Scrolls:

He’s a nord:  strong, hearty, well endowed, and he’s got Talos to thank for it. Now these elves come in and tell him Talos is no God, well that’s just not right. But the Thalmor agent that’s threatening his arrest is really, really handsome.

Dragon Age:

1. The Inquisitor is just a normal guy who happens to have a glowing hand. Completely normal right? And normal people don’t really find the company of extravagant Teventer mages and buff Qunari spies to be all that appealing (no matter how handsome they may be.) No, he needs someone simpler, someone who can remind him he’s still just a normal guy. (I don’t really consider the inquisitor to be a canon character b/c they’re kinda player based.)

2. Seheron belongs to no one but the ones who live here, he wishes the Qunari and the Teventers would learn that and leave his home alone. He’s getting sick of only feeling safe when the fog covers him. (Fog Warrior/Qunari Soldier)

W.o.W.:

Does it count as necrophilia if they’re Undead?

Blood elves are pompous stuck ups and orcs are barbaric savages, so why are they fighting on the same side?

   Tokyo Ghoul: *Trigger Warning for suicidal thoughts*

A recent high-school graduate learns he’s contracted a terminal disease. His parents are too poor to afford treatment, in fact they’re too poor to support him or his four siblings. Since he’s going to die anyways, he might as well spare them the cost for the few months he has left. But he doesn’t like the idea of anyone else having to clean up his dead body. Maybe he can at least be useful in killing himself, ghouls eat people, right?

✧Tropes✧

Monsters: I love QT monster boys (slime boys, nagas etc.), but I also love big bara giants. My thing is either: their head and torso are humanoid and everything else can be whatever OR they have to be a full blown, all out monster (they have to have sentience though, I’m not into bestiality stuff.)

Size Difference (ranges from slight difference to HOLY HELL YOU ARE MASSIVE WTF I ONLY COME UP TO YOUR STOMACH): I love big bara boys who fall in love with small tiny babes. The big bara can be all super macho or whatever I’m into that too, but what I really, really like is when they’re a squishy romantic who is completely devoted to their bby. Like they are willing to do anything their tiny love says at a moment’s notice. Bonus if the tiny boy is an absolute argumentative spitfire.

Age Differences: I don’t care how big the age gap is so long as the youngest is 18 or older.

Hey, Listen: This seems like a good place to put one of those “if you’ve read this far” things, not that I expect everyone to. However, if you have read all this then put the words “coco for cocoa puffs” somewhere in your message to me. <3

Toxic Relationships: Physically or mentally abusive (or both). Things can either work out in the end with the abusive cunt changing their ways, or not. I’m good with either.

Angst: I’m completely okay with letting characters straight up die. If that’s not something you’re into just say so and we can keep it fairly happy. However, if it’s something you’re willing to do HIGHFIVE!

Hopeless romance: In complete contrast to Toxic relationships I’m also into 100% fluffy and supportive relationships (so long as they both go through some hell. Can’t keep things too happy)

One-Sided: I love when characters think they are in a hopelessly one-sided love (but in fact aren’t). What would make it even better is if they are casually having sex with each other (because their friends with benefits/ one of them thinks the other is imagining someone else/ whatever) while both of them are secretly in love with each other, but neither of them knows it. Love is confusing.

Yandere/Ice King: Self explanatory

Unlikely Lovers: This could be characters who hate each other, but are hopelessly attracted to each other, people on opposing sides (Good Guy/Bad Guy) who fall in love, or characters who hate each other at first due to prejudices (ex. Orc/Elf) but are forced to work together and fall in love along the way.

✪ About 18+ Content: ✪

✧Violence/Cursing✧

I am okay with gore and death and the eternal void so long as it’s fitting/ pre-planned/ we’ve been writing together for a while and you know what you want to do won’t upset me.

I’ve avoided doing it (I think) in this ad out of respect for other’s preferences, but I my cuss level is that of someone who has recently stubbed their pinkie toe against the corner of the bed. So, if you want to contact me please be okay with that, it’s understand able if you yourself don’t want to cuss, but don’t try and force that standard on me. (This goes for pretty much everything else involving ideals/morals)

✧Sexual Situations✧

Obviously, you have to be 18+, even though I kinda said that at the very beginning I want to say it again. If you’re not 18+ and I find out you’re not I will immediately drop you and also likely report you as underage to which ever site you came to me from. You are endangering people when you pull that kind of stuff. So, if you’re under 18 (even if you’re 17 and your birthday is just two months away or the age of consent in your country is below 18) don’t contact me.

Anywhoo, I love smut, but I don’t want it to overtake the RP. I am pretty kink friendly, but I do have limits (which I’m about to list) if there’s something you’re having doubts about just ask, please don’t assume what I’m okay/not okay with.

Kinks I enjoy:

<3 <3 BDSM: Collars, bondage, S&M

<3 Violence: Biting, Scratching, Light asphyxiation

<3 <3 <3Power Bottoms: AKA I love when the smaller guy gets it in the bum, but he’s got complete control of how his top moves (demanding that he slow down/speed up that sort of thing)

Kinks that I think are pooie:

Pooie

Watersports

Necrophilia

Pedophilia

Bestiality

Incest

Mpreg

[gardenstateofmind]

most of the time im fully neutral, i dont feel a connection to masculinity or femininity. my dysphoria is specifically wanting to be androgynous, so i want to get rid female characteristics, but i dont want to acquire male characteristics in their place

now i am masc aligned, so sometimes i actually Do want those male characteristics, and my dysphoria does make me want to pursue physically transitioning

but then. the experiences of being a girl have really shaped me, and it’s all i know about existing in society. even if it’s not who i am, those experiences are a part of me. so in some ways i do identify with being a girl, and feel some attachment to it.

so when it comes to transitioning it’s a difficult thing to figure out. a friend and i were talking about our plans irt transitioning, and he said his family were all really critical of him starting hrt, and were like but what if you do it and then regret it, what if it doesnt make the negative feelings go away, and he said “and yeah they might be right, i might transition and realize that i still feel shitty. but the thing is, id rather be uncomfortable in a male body than a female body” and i was like holy shit that’s exactly it for me but in the other way. like yeah testosterone might alleviate my dysphoria, it could make me actually feel like my body is Mine. but it also might not, and ultimately, id rather be uncomfortable in a female body than a male one. so im not planning on physically transitioning

that only applies to my physical dysphoria though which is a super personal thing that only has to do with my own feelings. for my social dysphoria, being read as a girl and being treated like one makes me miserable a lot of the time. at best, it’s irritating and makes me feel like im living a lie. at worst it makes so upset i get physically ill. im nonbinary, i want to be seen as nonbinary, i want to be respected as nonbinary, and i want to be thought as inherently nonbinary. but that’s unrealistic for society at large, like my loved ones might make the effort of trying to understand nonbinary genders, and in the queer community i’ll be seen that way, but in daily life, it’s just not gonna happen in my lifetime. so if i Have to be read as a binary gender, id rather be read as a guy. maybe it’s bc at least then i dont feel im being forced into my designated gender so it doesnt have all the associations of pain that being treated like a girl does. maybe it’s bc im masc aligned, i identify a lot with being a guy, so if i have to pick a side, i’ll go with the one im more of. idk maybe it’s both and every day i have a different reason behind it. but ultimately i want to appear more masculine, so even if i dont look like a cis guy, it’s obvious enough that im not just a butch girl, but trying to actually be a guy, and will get treated like one. like i actually prefer it that people know im trans, so being read as a trans guy is totally cool with me, not entirely accurate, but more close to the truth than anything else. so yeah i want to superficially transition, as in like appearance changes to make me look masculine. which i actually have been really androgynous dressing most of my life but being curvy and having a doll face means that neutral clothes still look pretty feminine on me. lately ive worn more “men’s” clothes, which the cut of them honestly does make a big difference, and also wearing looser clothes so i dont look curvy. now i just look all over fat which i have a little bit of internalized fat shaming to get past but overall im fine with it. so i do look masculine as of late, but im still so clearly dfab that people think im a butch lesbian. so im trying to take it a little further, i want to get a binder, not wear any form fitting and/or feminine cut clothes, just really make it obvious that im trying to look like a boy

what i think is my biggest problem though is my demeanor. im really good at socializing, and part of that is being friendly, non threatening, and warm. but those are generally coded as feminine traits. and i act them out in a Really feminine way. it’s just a more likable image to present. a high pitched voice, happy and warm tone, affectionate language, making myself small, demure, child like. it means people more easily trust me, are more endeared to me, and just get the general impression that im a sweetheart. and i actually really like that. i like being a safe and comforting presence. i like that im approachable. so i dont really want to change that. but those mannerisms label me clear as day “girl” 

and part of me does want to have more masculine mannerisms, but masculinity can be dangerous, cold, violent, unhelpful. maybe cis men don’t percieve it that way, but anyone who has experience with womanhood does. the nicest guy will always be more threatening to me than a hostile woman. and logically i know better, but at this point, after it being drilled into me all my life “men are dangerous, men will hurt you if given the chance, you cant ever trust a strange man no matter how nice they seem” my gut reaction is always gonna be wariness around men. and i know the same is true for cis women, trans women, dfab people who are read as women. so those feminine traits are gonna be a lot more approachable for everyone. it's just a struggle