#sometimes they teach us things about ourselves...about our lives...that we didn't know we knew

[onewingedsparrow]

that feeling when you encounter a new blorbo and you just know. oh. you've gone and changed my life forever, haven't you.

[nyxtheshipper]

I just came out of a five year relationship. Yes, five years. Five and a half almost six. The first five years we worked fine, then great, sometimes okay, but always good. We met in a private high school that was very prestigious. He didn't have a scholarship, I did, so imagine the disparity between his life and mine.

In the beginning it wasn't so obvious, he lived with his mom in a decent house, not too ostentatious, so our daily lives were kind of the same. He did his chores, helped his mom cook, cleaned the house or sometimes had someone to help them clean - something surprisingly common here in Mexico. My family also sometimes had someone to help us clean, but most of the time we cleaned our house ourselves. The point is, even if he clearly had money, he didn't flaunt it.

But you know what happened? Slowly, during college, during the pandemic, and when we moved cities to go to college after the pandemic, it started to show. The funny thing about school is that it's still a controlled environment, doesn't matter whether you're in college or already working while in college. We had it relatively easy. We knew our lives were here, right now, gearing towards graduation - towards the void that was being filled up by maybe an assured position thanks to the fact that the colleges were also private.

You can plan an entire life in school, dream about it, even play house. But the reality is harsh, and once you lose the structure, it's not playing anymore. The bubble pops.

That's when things get real. For a long time, my ex and I lived in that bubble. I was working and studying, trying to pay my bills while also keeping afloat my grades and a relationship. I kind of managed, but believed that it was gonna pay off once we finished and my ex and I were finally going to live together and actually start our own lives. That's how you manage to stay sane with a lot of pressure on top of you.

It also helps to see that your ex is more down to Earth than you expect, having been born and raised in a life of privilege. He's also living alone, paying bills, but his family is the one that gives him the money, and it shows. It shows in your meals, in the dates he takes you to that you can't afford. And, honestly, you start sympathizing with those Hallmark/Kdrama girls that get everything from their rich love interest. It sucks.

And before you come for me about privilege, etc. I. Know. But also, what they don't show you and what I had to learn the hard way is the rules. Once that bubble pops, and you're presented with your partner's reality, you see the incredible amount of strings that that money has attached. And it fucking sucks! For a long time, being in college, away from our families, we were able to be ourselves, and in a traditional household, that is gold!

Mexican families are still so misogynistic with many many things. And I had the privilege to have a mom that doesn't take shit from the patriarchy, especially when my dad tries to enforce it, but my ex? The moment he stepped out of that bubble, he had to go back to the traditions. It didn't matter whether I had shown him that women are equals, that he didn't have to be the sole provider, or that I was teaching him that he's allowed to cry, to feel, to get angry, to just be!

The moment he stepped out of his bubble, he fell apart. Since I had moved to the same city as him during college, he was never truly alone. But now, having left the country for a semester, on the brink of graduating, he was truly for the first time ever alone. And he couldn't cope. He asked a lot from me, making me his whole world and expecting me to be there 24/7, and I didn't react kindly to that. We discussed - not fought, discussed - and we tried to reach agreements. For me, he was being too clingy, and I had my own problems and my own life to look after. I also saw the opportunity he was in as something amazing and to be taken advantage of, and that he needed to make friends desperately.

For him, it was the worst time of his life.

Did I know he was having SUCH a bad time? No. Why? Because, as is tradition in his particular socioeconomic circle, men are not allowed to show emotion. He could only be calm. Even when he told me he was tired, it was the same as a robot telling you they're tired.

He could not show anger, he could not show he was sad, hell, whenever we "fought" it was more like a business meeting of what steps we were going to take to not let the discussion happen again. Everything I had tried to show him, that he could express his feelings, of me asking him to show me he was angry instead of just telling me, all gone.

And today, we broke up. He broke up with me, more like, and he did it amicably. Without showing emotion, just telling me what he feels. As usual.

And that's not okay. Can you imagine someone breaking up with you as if you were business partners only? When I asked him one last time to be angry, to show emotion, he said it wasn't appropriate nor polite. And as much as it pisses me off, I can't blame him entirely.

He's 2 meters tall in a country where you are considered tall at 1.80. Of course many people have told him he's scary, especially when he gets mad, even his ex told him that.

There are many things wrong with today's culture here in Mexico, don't even get me started on the way his family started trying to put me into the stereotypical housewife box. But today, I saw something that hurt me more: a man who couldn't express his feelings, not even while breaking up a five year relationship, simply because it was deemed impolite and even scary if he expressed himself.

[kokorowoutsu]

-- RP: @pokemon-experiments

pokemon-experiments:

He chuckled when she was amazed by the softness of his paw pad. He was about to remind her when she began to drag him along until the came to a cave and met Whimsy. "Greetings Whimsy. And is indeed nice to meet another steel-type." He was about ask how they can stay in a place like this until he got dragged along to the back of the cave. He was impressed by the set-up they had. And it seemed like they were working on all kinds of things that the ranch needed. Treating it with something he could really see until the got to the end of the cave. There he would look to Tinkerbell and bow his head. This was her home and he was going to show her the respect that he velieved she deserved. "I am. As for why I came, she's my niece. I needed to make sure that the path was safe, and that she was not being taking advantage of." He hoped the explanation was good enough for the, he assumed, leader of this group. "And you lot are fairy-types." That explained why the energy had become so dense with fae energy. But they were also steel-types. They were working with the oil that Morgan made. The same oil that he treated his legs with. "But I'd like to know why you wish to keep hidden from Ashe. Especially since it seems that your group is connected to her mother." This is what made the least sense to him. If Morgan knew about this group than why would it be an issue if Ashe knew as well.

"Unkwool! I'mma go see the o'hers!" She pointed at the forge nearby which was now officially on break since they had visitors. With that, Willow was off, pulling something out of her bag and speaking to them in Fae as they gathered around which contained berries and books that had been... borrowed on mechanics and things that Willow didn't understand but these pokemon did. Happily cheering, they soon wheeled over some books that Willow stuffed back into her bag, thanking them. It appeared they borrowed the books for ideas and then gave them back after reading.

[ It's because we're steel-types that we keep hidden. ] Tinkerbell started, eyes on Willow and the fire-types and fellow underlings of hers. [ The little one is only a quarter fae and at most just sneezes every now and then around us. She's not at risk of allergies. ] She pauses and sighs. [ There's a misunderstanding though that we choose to keep from the little one, believe it or not, to make her think she's got a secret to keep. We were told secrets are sometimes good for kids as tests. ] She shrugs and goes over to pull out something from underneath some rocks. Bringing it over, she hands him the Grandcrest Sigil. [ We were given this by her mother. She brought us here since we were displaced from our home in Paldea... that and we saved her and her team from a hot spot of trouble. ] She wouldn't go into that story though.

[ Everyone on the ranch knows about us... it's just a game for the little one to teach her about secrets and to teach her, in her mother's opinion, and mine, a vital life skill. She'll need to know to keep her mouth shut at times as it were. ] She shrugs. [ In exchange for letting us live here, the Boss asked us to make things to help and repair around the ranch. The Fluffy Man comes by with his pack to pick up things and in exchange he brings us berries as well as fresh steel-types. ] She looked to her own hammer in particular. [ The only rules we got are we can't tell the little one about the arrangement and we can't kill the Corviknight that her mate has... no matter how tempting it is. ] She huffs.

[ ... We're pretty sure the icy one knows too as well as her mate but they choose not to say anything. The Lady of the Wood -- the Boss mom -- she gave us the oil you saw. We apply it to everything we use ten times over. We're learning to make it ourselves... but i'm rambling. What brings you two by? ]

[eartheats]

so while i keep thinking about Things and Stuff, i wanna talk more about my lovely lulu!! because it's always a good time to talk about the best boy :) rambling underneath this cut!!

tada! from the pc box! :) so, like i said, i've had lulu for a very very long time, but he was only officially mine when my parents got me a poke ball for him when i was younger! i keep thinking about changing it to a cool luxury ball in the future, but there's a lot of nostalgia attached to that ball so i think i'll just keep it :)

but! he's pretty high level, as you can see! we um. outside of the other pokemon the academy shoved onto me (...i feel kinda bad because she was a sweetie but she reminded me of a lot of bad times), we actually took on a lot of things by ourselves! with miss sprigs who helped us sometimes, but while i've always said lulu's super strong, this is even more proof of it!! but oh, interesting story - we took on some gyms together, but he actually didn't listen to me a bit at first! when we took on miss katy's gym, we actually hadn't battled as a team before, and it was kinda...starting to get hairy because we didn't know what we were doing, even though we knew each other real well. we got it together enough to get her badge, though, and three other ones too!!

and as you can see, lulu's tera typing is different!! so, um, it turns out in medali, there's a really nice lady there who's an amaaaaazing cook, and she can also help your pokemon change their tera type!! heehee, you'd be surprised how this trips people up a lot! lotsa people would wanna use fighting type moves on him, so i'd whip out my ol' tera crystal and tada! another immunity for my lovely boy! :D i don't use my tera orb a lot nowadays but i still do have it, and it's kinda funny to watch trainers adapt sometimes~

his moves are mostly just stuff he learned naturally, but we definitely tried to strategize too! iron defense was good for making lulu even tougher to smack around, while smack down helped bring some of the flying types that'd give him trouble down to the ground so he could beat 'em even easier! that's mostly what we do, though he does have some trouble with more flashy attackers...if i could afford some TMs, i'd love to teach him some moves to help with that, but he does pretty well on his own, yup yup.

it isn't all sunshine and rainbows for lulu, though :( from, um, what the center ladies have told me, they think that he was originally what they called a 'breeding reject'--some people apparently breed a lotta pokemon just to breed a super perfect one, and then just release the others out into the wild! without a care in the world for how they'll live!! it makes me so so mad >:( lulu managed to make it out in the wild, but it's due to that that he has some health problems

namely, that iron deficiency. but that's okay!! while he has a harder time than most orthworm at absorbing iron from dirt and the ground (he actually weighs a lil more than most orthworm as a result but i've been trying to help with that!!), that's where all of his iron supplements come in! they're easier for him to absorb and help keep him nice and healthy :) they cost a pretty penny but i would give that up and more to ensure that my best buddy gets the lead the kind of life he deserves to!! because i love him lots, and i know he loves me too <3

but yeah!! lulu is the best partner i could ever ask for :) i dunno why i just felt like rambling about him, but if anyone's managed to make it this far, kudos!! i really, really hope that one day we can find some people who'll give us a strong challenge, but for now...i think we're mostly fine just going into town and trying our best to live life as we always have in zapapico. :) and we can get our energy out on those weird crystal caves, random students who ask for battles, and any pesky outbreaks that mess with the miners!! we'll always be here to save the day for those yep yep!!

maybe one of these days, i can try to make a post about the things i've also learned raising lulu...i know orthworm can be tough for trainers to raise, but i've had a lotta experience with taking care of lulu. but that's a post for another day!!

[scribeforchrist-blog]

Holy Spirit, Please Guide Us

MEMORY VERSE OF THE WEEK

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+ 1 Peter 3:11 They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it.

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VERSE OF THE DAY

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+ Psalm 48:14 says that this is God, our God, forever and ever. He will guide us forever.

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** SAY THIS BEFORE YOU READ; HERE’S SOME CHRISTIAN TRUTHS **

I AM SEEKING PEACE

I AM PURSUING GOD

I AM HEARING HIS VOICE

I AM FOLLOWING HIS WILL

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THOUGHTS:

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   God will guide us as long as we let him; he won't ever lead us down a road and say okay, this is it. No, he will guide us as long as we have ears to hear and eyes to see; this is something we need to say every day because when we give God our eyes, there is nothing we will ever miss when we give him all of ourselves when we give him our ears when he speaks we will hear him and change the narrative or change what we are doing because I can be transparent it has been a lot of times in my life that I didn't hear. I didn't see because I focused on what I wanted rather than his plans.

   Our decisions and our thoughts and ideas blind a lot of us. We aren't sure because we won't go to him so he can guide us, that the only way to be guided is to pray, that the only way to know is to ask God, what am I doing? Am I on the path you want me on? No, that path might be lonely and not great, but whatever he places us on, we have to go through it so we can be right where he wants us to be.

     Isaiah 58:11 And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.

   The Lord will satisfy our desires; a lot of times, we dont have the right desires, yet until God shows us what those things should be, and honestly, our desires change as we lean in on God more, as we stay in his presence as we start to change we talked about this yesterday, and when we change what we desire is more aligned to his will and his wants because as we desire what he wants, we learn that the things we desired wasnt right we learned that they were of the flesh.

     Still, we have to start holding on to him. God loves to guide us because no matter how strong we get in the Lord, we will forever need his strength, mercy, and grace. We can never think we know so much that we don't need God, but we do.

  Psalm 25:9 He leads the humble in what is right and teaches the humble his way.

     I can say that as I grew in God, I grew more humble—more humble in what I thought I knew, more humble in what I did and said. To be guided, we must have humility. A prideful person will never be guided because he thinks he knows everything, and he doesn't, but God can use and guide a humble person because a humble person is always ready to learn and to know more.

   Every day, we should and need to pray for wisdom; I know when I  am allowing my emotions to lead me rather than God, I become led further away from his will a lot of times if we dont allow him in. We dont spend the time in his presence in our word; we will allow situations to take us out of character. Ask the Holy Spirit daily to show you what you need to know about your day and situations. He will do this for you, but we must be humble to be guided about what to do about these things that come up in our lives.

   Psalm 31:14 But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.”

  Sometimes, as much as it bothers us to do this, we have to say, " God, I trust in you, and you are my God. We must understand that when we say this, we are allowing God to be God! We are allowing him to take over, and that’s why some of us are in the situations we are in because we won’t allow God to tell us what we need to do, we won’t allow God to show us a better way, we won’t allow the Holy Spirit to direct our path but friends when we allow God in, and we allow him to conduct our lives we will see a significant difference. Still, we must get serious about him being God and stop placing him on the sidelines because when we push and ignore God, he will allow us to do what we want and be misled by our flesh.

  ***Today, the Holy Spirit is trying to show us what we are doing and how some of us are misguided. Many people want to live as Christians but don’t want the Holy Spirit to tell them anything but friends. When we do this, we won’t be on his will, and when we are off of the will of God. Doing our own thing will not make life go any smoother , it won’t go the way we want every time, and the very big down side to everything is we won't grow in God , when we aggressively ignore the Holy Spirit speaking and we ignore our Bible and prayer sessions. We will become stagnant and dehydrated spiritually today if we're not listening or hearing Him when he speaks. Stop right now and ask him to speak. He will if WE WILL LISTEN. ©Seer~ Prophetess Lee

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PRAYER

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Heavenly Father, we ask you to forgive us of the sins we have done; we thank you for everything you have given us. We thank you for mercy and grace. Lord, help seek you and desire to hear your voice! Lord, we are sorry if we have ignored your guidance; we are sorry if we stepped away from your plan. We'd like to ask you to speak to us and help us to desire to hear your voice. Lord, we also ask you to help us to live a holy and righteous life. If anything in our life is blocking us from doing this, please remove it in Jesus' Name. Amen.

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REFERENCES

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+ Lamentations 3:21 But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:

+ Proverbs 8:20 I walk in the way of righteousness, in the paths of justice,

+ Psalm 16:2 I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.”

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FURTHER READINGS

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PROVERBS 11

2 CHRONICLES 18

JOB 20

LUKE 3

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[krestinshe]

some reflections on family

Living at home for the past few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about family. I can't put it into words that well, and maybe these are not as good thoughts as they are in my head.

Family is one of the purest forms of the human experience. When you're with family, you're the most you. It's one of the safest places to be. It can also be one of the most dangerous. Because you understand each other better than rest of the world, you're able to exchange the deepest love, but at the same time your words can cut deeper wounds. You might feel the most comfortable you ever feel, but because of that you might be the worst version of yourself (when all that's normally kept behind a filter is no longer held back) -- the truest version of yourself.

L, who struggles with intense self-loathing, crippling comparison, and an eating disorder at school, but at home is able to relax and go about in her sleep clothes.

M, who is so mature and thoughtful and kind with me and other peers, but is so brief and dismissive of her parents.

I, who would never speak a harsh word against a friend or acquaintance or stranger, but unleash such biting, dehumanizing words against my father.

Family is a puzzling thing. I wonder how a collection of interactions, experiences, words, reactions, omissions, affections, rebukes, and actions cause children turn out the way they do. How different children from the same family turn out so different.

MKP, who is antisocial, dark, and weird; SP, who is an extremist and a zealot; JP, who is sensitive and earnest -- all from the same pair of genes-es.

D, who is callous and money-loving, and I, who am soft and relational and want to love and help and fear the Lord -- from the same mother and father.

In a lot of Chinese-American families that I've seen, from the kids' perspective, they essentially grew up separately from their parents. Our first independent thought was thought in solitude, was never eagerly waited upon by our parents nor asked to be shared, just as theirs were not. And the next independent thoughts were also thought independently, and although they may have manifested in out-of-pocket comments or bristles, never were given a proper welcoming. Our parents weren't there as mentors, counselors, confidants, to nurture our budding and awakening souls with gentleness and correction. Yet one way or another, a child must grow up. So gradually, we became different people. And unspoken walls and rifts grew deeper as we, in lack of love or because that was all we knew, chose to continue in silence and withholding ourselves from each other.

I don't enjoy being with my family. The rift between us causes pain whenever we grate against each other. My dad is provocative, discouraging, and emotionally manipulative. My mom is usually fine, but she doesn't step into beliefs/future affairs much, and when she does there's no telling whether it'll be in my favor or unreasonably against. My brother is closed-off, treats my parents horribly, and not only doesn't care, but laughs at, the current state of our family. And yet, I enjoy being with my family. Sometimes, when the heavy yoke is not from them, with them I'm able to be tired and get out from under the heavy yoke I'm under, into the tender concern of a father. We make and eat good food together. My parents humble me with their loving service constantly. I'm less lonely when I can go take a walk or go swimming with my mom. We laugh together trying to play catch with a stress ball my mom got from work. We push Daniel's submit button on his college apps together. Can I confidently say that it is happier putting my everyday time, comfort, autonomy, peace of mind on the line in order to share my life and my self with them, rather than isolating myself in my room and closing my heart to them and forging my own path? No. But I know that it is better. This is the stuff love is made of. If I didn't do this, I would be less human. Doing this teaches me about myself. It helps me know and love them, something I must do in the Lord. And I hope it teaches me about God--if it doesn't take me away from him, if I stand firm in him first and interact with my family knowing that I belong to the family of God even before my own, not wavering or turning from my God because of opposition or subtle disappointment or desire to be the person my father wants me to be. If I protect my time in prayer and the Word, and cling to the cross with all that is in me (and count on him to supply the overwhelming majority of work that is left).

Lord, as hard as it is, I'm in this for the long haul. I only pray that you would take my feeble efforts to love my family and adorn them with grace, humility, patience, and love from yourself, and use them for my sanctification and greater joy in you.

[tinysushimark]

My Everything (HRJ)

1.7k words. (Fluff)

Sometimes you wished you could run away from college and then run a café and live with your boyfriend.

You looked up at him, he was playing on his phone, why was he so relaxed? He has finals too next week. "Renjun! Don't you have to study?" You said.

"I'm done with my course." He said looking back down at his phone.

You sighed, he was always one step ahead of you, even when you were in school he used to teach you things because he was done. Now, even in college he was done before you. Even though you had different majors, you had the same college and fortunately, your classes took place in the same building.

A sigh escaped from your lips as you looked at the amount of chapters left. "What's wrong baby?" Renjun said, sitting next to you.

"I have 3 more chapters left, and exams are next week." You said. "Anything i can help with?" At this you snickered.

"Babe you're an arts major, how are you going to help me with Company Law?" You smiled and looked down.

"I am smart." He said.  "I never said you're dumb."

He stood behind your chair and started massaging your shoulders and neck. "Renjun what the-" He shushed you. "Get back to work." He kept massaging your shoulders.

"Renjun stop. That fucking hurts."

"You're stressed it's all pent up-"

"I told you to fucking stop it." You shouted at him, shooting a death glare.

"Why are you being so mean? I'm just trying to help." Renjun spat at you.

"You're clearly not helping, so how about you leave? You're just adding on to my stress with your completed course." You shouted at him.

He picked his bag up and slammed the door on his way out, making you flinch a little.

Asshole, that's the only word that came to your head once he left. His temper is very very short. Sometimes you wondered why you dated him and got annoyed at him. You had noticed how nowadays, the way he dealt with you had started changing.

He'd shout and slam doors. He never did that before but he was doing it nowadays. He is definitely bored of you and wants to break up with you, this is what you thought.

He on the other hand was very stressed, it wasn't about studies, it was about his family. After he left for college, he got to know about the fights which happened back at home. His mom and dad were fighting a lot more than when he was back at home. It had driven him off the edge that he wasn't there to stop his parents. He was an only child, so he'd end up persuading them to stop fighting, but he couldn't do it from here, in college. The only person who'd listen to him was getting annoyed at him too, you. He thought that he was the problem, probably everyone around him has problems because of him.

You weren't able to complete your course because Renjun decided to stay the nights in between semester and took you out so much. If he would've told you to study, you'd be revising by now. He forgot that you leave everything for him. He hadn't told you anything about what was happening back at home. He applied to the same college as you because he didn't want to lose you but he slowly understood that he was just a distraction for you.

Renjun didn't speak to you the entire week, and the week after that. You were done with your exams but still no contact or trace of Renjun.

You called him multiple times those weeks but he didn't pick up, knowing that he was probably busy revising, you left him alone. You needed the space.

After your exams were over you went to his shared flat, one of his flatmates saw you in an alleyway and smiled at you. "Mark, have you seen Renjun?"

"Renjun went to college, he must be back by now though." Mark said.

"Ok, thanks."

"If he isn't home, you can just wait on the couch, he'll be back soon I think." Mark said.

You nodded, bidding Mark a goodbye and walking to their apartment. Renjun had told you the password to the apartment, all his flatmates knew that he had a girlfriend and they didn't mind it. They were friendly and got along with you.

When you unlocked the door and got in you saw a girl in the kitchen, around the same age as you.

"Oh Mark you're back?" She said and turned around. "Hello." You said and she smiled at you. "Who are you by the way?" She asked you, the question took you aback.

"I'm Rejun's girlfriend." You said, her mouth formed a small Oh. "What's your Major and Year?"

"I'm a final year in BCom."

"I'm a first in year Mass Media. Oh by the way I'm Mark's girlfriend."  She said and passed a cup of coffee towards you. "Renjun isn't home, how about you wait here till he's back? He said he wanted to get some groceries." Mark's girlfriend said. She was younger than you and Mark. Mark was doing his post graduation and she was in her first year. You and Renjun were the same age.

When Renjun had moved in only Mark was living here, before another guy named, Jeno had moved in. You had found yourself a reasonable one flat apartment but slowly it's cost was rising which was a problem for you, but you kept living in it.

"We're looking for a flatmate." Mark's girlfriend said, trying to break the awkward silence. "Oh, where do you live?"

"The apartment above."

The both of you started talking about college and she told you details about the flat and the empty room. It seemed decent and you thought about it. "Can i see it?" It was a chance to be closer to Renjun, he wouldn't have to commute so much to see you.

Renjun came back home an hour after you had arrived, Mark and his girlfriend kept you entertained. They made you coffee and spoke to you.

When Renjun came home, you saw his red face, which was puffy.

He saw you and stood at the door frozen. Slowly tears started to fall from his eyes and your movements were quick. You ran to him and hugged him. He fell on his knees near the shoe shelves and you hugged him. He cried into your arms and you soothed his back.

"What's wrong Jun?" You asked softly. Instead you got a louder sob for a reply.

His grip around you tightened and he cried for a few minutes before pulling away and pushing your hair back from your face.

"My parents are getting divorced, and i thought i lost you because you lost interest in me-"

"Renjun I love you." You said hands caressing his cheek. "Why didn't you tell me about all this?"

"I didn't want to burden you, and I thought you'd get affected."

"Renjun, if it's bothering you and is a problem to you, it's my problem too." You said smiling at him.

"They've been fighting a lot lately, since i came here."  Renjun looked down at the floor. "I wasn't there to stop them."

"Renjun, its not your fault." You put your hand under his chin and made him look up at you. "It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself."

"But I should've been there and because of me you weren't able to complete your course on time, its all my fault."

Your boyfriend who was almost a head taller than you, suddenly seemed like a small lost child who you wanted to coddle and sing to. He looked so troubled and sad that your heart hurt. It wasn't his fault, he blames himself for everything.

You remember the time when you were cutting vegetables and got a slight cut, he blamed himself for it, saying that he knew that you dont know how to use a knife so he should've been the one cutting the vegetables.

He was harsh on himself and as much as you believed you could change it, you couldn't but you wanted to.

"Renjun, its not your fault that i didn't study, it's my fault. That's on me."

"If I hadn't stayed the nights, you'd be done."

"Renjun you stayed over the weekends, i always had weekdays but i ended up wasting them, it's on me." You explained to him.

"What about my parents? That's totally on me. I shouldn't have left them knowing how hostile they are towards each other."

"If they were hostile towards each other did you ever consider that they were both stressed together. They didn't want to be together Renjun."

He finally looked at you, eyes dejected.

"I want to break up with you."

"Why?"

"I'm nothing but a distraction to you."

"You are my driving force. You're like a miracle to me. I wish you could see that."  You connected your foreheads. "You're the person i look forward to each day, knowing you'll provide me comfort and that you'll be there to listen to me."

"And i wish i could show you how much i feel for you, It can't be expressed in words." You whispered, planting a small kiss on his cheek.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you what was going on and  for keeping you in the dark." Renjun said.

You nodded. "You're not gonna hear the end of it, they annoyed me so much over the phone about who'll keep the pearls and me." Renjun said. "Honestly, your mom deserves the pearls." You said looking into his eyes.

A small giggle came from his chest. "Yeah she does."

That's when the door opened and Jeno entered. "Renjun, its dirty here-"

"Oh hi Y/N!"  Jeno smiled and waved at you. Mark slowly pulled Jeno, "You're ruining their moment dude." Mark muttered under his breath.

All of you laughed and ate ramen for dinner, enjoying each others company.

"Renjun, Mark's girlfriend told me there's a room upstairs that's empty. I was thinking i should move in there." You said when he brought you to his room.

"Actually, i was about to ask you if you wanna move in together, Mark wants his girlfriend to shift downstairs, we can have the entire apartment to ourselves." Renjun smiled. "Plus my house is closer to our college."

"Yes, I'll move in with you."

New beginnings awaited you two, all full of happiness and sunshine with a few rainy days, but no storm lasts forever, all of them pass, and bring along sunshine again.

Read More: Masterlist

[i-love-hobbies]

The biggest criticism Lilith's redemption arc gets and Eda's biggest strength

(ft. me getting completely side tracked and wanting a Hooty redemption arc)

Ok, so firstly I wanna talk about real life and then say how it was done in the owl house.

I hate the words "Everyone should get what they deserve." Cause firstly this never happens, secondly, the words are very vague and it opens a window of miscommunication and thirdly, cause in Lilith's case they are focused at, she needs to be hurt in order to change.

There are even people that have said that they are looking forward to watching Lilith suffer (I don't know if I've said it on the internet but I was one of them.)

Revenge has been proven to not make people feel better. And a lot of therapists usually say you need to forgive people. That doesn't mean fix the relationship, it means try to stop wishing they get hurt. Cause the feeling is only hurting you.

Also it's a normal human feeling to be angry, so no I'm not calling people monsters for this. And forgiveness is a hard process that takes a lot of work, but it usually isn't helped by hurting others.

The words people usually use to defend this sentence are:

"Consequences change people's minds or at the very least make them scared of doing it again."

Ok so how about we use this sentence instead, it's short enough and the main mission now is keeping ourselves safe Instead of it being hurting someone, you're still wishing it but it's not the main goal, it's a secondary one.

Well, cause it immediately shows two issues both statements have.

Firstly a friendship with someone that wants to hurt you but is scared of doing so is not a healthy one, cause they'll just try to be sneaky. You can only do it with people that aren't close to you like how the authorities do it towards criminals.

Secondly punishments rarely change people's minds. They've never worked on me, especially when you attack my identity, cause this way you make it even worse. And expecting that you can change someone usually means you're about to fail.

"But we can't get rid of punishments, people will hurt us."

I'm not saying we should. I'm saying our main goal should be our safety and hurting them may happen but it shouldn't be important.

Or better yet:

"Building healthy boundaries to the point where you're not getting hurt anymore, but not going overboard."

Examples:

- You have a friend you see Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday. But on Wednesdays, after work, they usually are very ignorant of your feelings and sometimes joke at your expense. So you stop going out at Wednesdays.

They might never ask why you did it and that's ok, cause you're not getting hurt anymore.

But usually they do ask why? You explain to them the issue with respect, don't call them names.

Some people will change after this and you can get rid of the boundary later on.

Other people may acknowledge this and say it's a good idea, cause they are overwhelmed, but never change.

Other other people may start hurting you even more. You build the boundaries even more, sometimes to the point you cut them out of your life, even if they weren't hurting you intentionally.

Which is completely ok if you can't maintain contact without being hurt.

- Eda's handling of Gwendolyn's cures is another good one. She never called her names or anything. She just made sure that Gwen can't hurt her anymore. Cause it wasn't only the cures. Eda's feelings were always getting ignored. She literally couldn't talk with her about anything other than the curse. Her emotions were getting neglected.

- Eda's handling of Tibbles is also an interesting example.

At first after the scamming she just left him. She couldn't see how he could hurt her.

And in episode 14 she killed him. Cause he showed that he would do anything to murder her dump kids and knew their address. Almost same story with Adegast.

Yes murder in this extreme cases can be a healthy boundary.

Lilith's relationships with the owl fam

King:

King didn't know Lilith was living with them and knows about her neglect.

Luz:

Luz would only stand up for others never for herself which is very unhealthy. I don't know if she forgave Lilith, but I can see her not mentioning it if she hasn't and playing along as a teacher.

"The real mystery is how she can be both so smart and yet so wrong at the same time. Academics, am I right?"

The closest one to her she has roasted like this, is her mentor, who firstly makes people feel safe.

"EDA, You're embarrassing me Infront of my crew." - Raine, after thirty years of not seeing her.

Secondly, she was being a jerk, she was teaching Luz about cards while she was begging for magic lessons and was not getting it for weeks.

"Cards, the paper rectangles that old people think are fun."

Heck, she might even be scared of Lilith. She almost got killed.

So far I don't have a reason to think she likes her. She hasn't really talked with her or about her much.

Eda:

Eda has already shown that she can handle conflicts in relationships. Like in episode 9, where she got Luz into Hexside and everything I already said.

I made an entire post about Eda being too emotional and I still stand by it, but serious situations that have to do with relationships, she usually is very rational and good at handling them. Probably because of the curse making her afraid of her anger and countless people attacking her.

At the beginning of the series Eda probably was expecting that the worst case scenario would be for Lilith to catch her and if Lilith isn't given the time to realise what she did, she'd be killed and best case scenario Lilith changes.

Episode 5, where Lilith burned down her wanted posters, episode 8 where Lilith was gonna get her straight in the coven instead of arresting her, episode 11, where Lilith said she wanted for Eda to join on her own and episode 17, where they played grudgby.

Proved to her even more that Lilith cares a lot for her and maybe she will change.

Then episode 18 happened and King wanting hugs and Luz's "Let me die!" Suddenly the worst case scenario became not her dieing but her dieing and the trauma the kids will experience. The fact that they won't have her in their lifes.

Lilith says "Then why were you so easy to curse?!?" This does not sound like "I accidentally did this and I'm sorry." No, Eda thought Lilith did this on purpose. And now her kids might get killed by her own sister cause she was too naive to trust her.

From now on I don't think she was trying to kill her cause Lilith isn't dangerous without raw power like Adegast and Tibbles, but to disable her is a possibility.

To add to this Eda wasn't rational almost throughout the entire finale. She probably didn't pick up on the line "If you would just let me explain." Just like she didn't question why Lilith was thrown in a cage.

Then she learns that Lilith commited treason together with her kids and started feeling like she doesn't know the full story, but Lilith is still a caring person. So she jumps Infront of the beam to save both Lilith and King.

Afterwards Lilith shares the curse and has nowhere to go if she gets kicked out so there is no reason to believe that she would hurt them physically.

I know in a post I said I don't think she fully processed the situation with Lilith. But now I think I was only half right.

She didn't fully process how much she was hurt but she understood Lilith's situation. Forgave her as soon as possible, not immediately. But that doesn't mean she rebuilded the relationship as soon as she forgave her.

First of, the forgiveness part happened after episode 1. The entire episode she was guilt tripping her, which I don't think was helping the situation. It makes Lilith more emotional which then makes it harder for her to face reality.

I'm not calling Eda a bad person for this but I do think it was a mistake.

What wasn't a mistake but a good thing is Eda wasn't the one to listen to her problems, it was Hooty. Cause her emotional health matters too and standing in one room with her sister is challenging.

And now I'm wondering does Eda know about how Lilith was treated by both the coven and their parents.

Eda calling Lilith a tool, seems to me more of them competing with each other rather than the recent events. Also Lilith forcing her rules without saying why they are there.

I'm glad the episode ended with them switching roles, where Lilith is now more powerful. Though I'm pretty sure the roles are getting switched again.

So what about the rebuilding of the relationship or should I say trust.

Well they didn't show us much, but I think the trust isn't fully back.

Cause she has only been proving that she can be physically trusted like when she saved King's life.

Eda never opens up, which is unhealthy. But in this case it's a healthy boundary, cause King did it and he got Lilith projecting onto him.

Lilith isn't good at being mentally supportive and still has bad habits.

Lulu and Hootsifer

Hooty helping Lilith was something, she really needed and didn't take for granted, cause the only one to ever even consider this is Eda.

They are buddies that look out for each other. I wouldn't say they talk a lot about feelings as they have no idea how to do that, but there are examples where they do.

Like "What kind of a witch am I?" and Hooty's letter.

Her letter for Hooty, was supportive, but ignored the issue of Hooty always being in people's personal space.

Which led to Hooty drugging Eda, kidnapping three children and almost killing said kids when his plans didn't work the way he wanted. He also ate the letter for King.

I want a Hooty redemption arc, now!

[31mmstudios]

Reasons to consider forgiving yourself

Being critical of ourselves is normally considered admirable. It means, to many, that we hold ourselves accountable for whenever we fuck up. However, apart from accountability, it's important we also know when to forgive ourselves.

Why is important to forgive ourselves?

It deepens our empathy for those who have similar struggles.

It allows us to exercise careful judgement in whatever we do and teaches us to hold space for honest mistakes.

We are now giving ourselves room to make valuable mistakes. To us, valuable mistakes are those that we genuinely learn from and don't immediately mark as evil or a shortcoming.

Listen, mistakes are human. In fact, they're part of the learning process. And if we punish every single mistake, we're completely diminishing the learning opportunity that's in these mistakes. Not all mistakes are bad unless they're constantly repeated without learning from them. At that point, those mistakes are now decisions.

So, if you have trouble identifying what is forgivable in you, here are some to consider, based on personal experience:

You have the chance to forgive yourself for hating your past. Your past self was equipped with very limited knowledge and resources. You functioned with the conditioning you developed against your will. You carried the limiting beliefs that hurt people left with you. You literally only did what you knew. That was not your fault. Today, you know better. That's why you cringe about your past. But take a moment to really forgive your old self and even thank them for helping you survive and get here.

You can forgive yourself for being judgemental or bigoted. If today you're working towards growing in understanding how different we all are as people, forgive your bigotry from the past. You know better now, right? Bigotry is learned. You picked it up somewhere. You probably had racist, sexist, homophobic relatives around you, or lived in a community where people put themselves on a high horse. That was not your fault. What's important is you're undoing it now.

You're allowed to forgive yourself for not forgiving other people. You owe no one forgiveness. If it's taking you years to find it in you to forgive an abuser, please don't beat yourself up for not finding it in you to exercise any mercy. You were taken advantage of and it's not your fault. You don't have to be the bigger person. Not forgiving someone doesn't mean you'll go to hell or be on the receiving end of negative karma. While forgiveness is admirable, it's not a pre-requisite. Only forgive others if you can. Anyone who forces you is manipulating you. Forgive when you are ready.

Forgive yourself for carrying hurt around. Hey, you're not weak if you carry around pain longer than most people you know. Things are allowed to hurt if they do actually hurt. People who tell you to get over it are simply uncomfortable with your discomfort, but their 'advice' (if you can call it that) carries no real weight. Yes, you do have the responsibility to heal from your pain, but you're allowed to feel it too. It doesn't make you weak in any way. Feel that hurt so you can heal from it fully too.

Forgive yourself for 'wasting time', because no, you didn't waste time. Sometimes what holds us back from doing the things we want to do is fear. Forgive yourself for hesitating and being afraid too, please. Fear is not a fault and fear can be fixed. And the time you were afraid was the time you didn't know you had options yet. What's important is you're always on a path to fixing that fear. If you're not there yet, you will be. Trust that you are putting in the work and it will all pay off soon.

There are many more reasons to forgive yourself, but these? These took me some time on my own journey.

How about you? What do you need to forgive yourself for? What opportunities are there to exercise deepening your understanding of yourself?

Join our mental health discussion here on Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. You're safe with us.

And remember, even though life doesn't get better, you do.

Yours,

Miel

[peach-the-owl]

A platonic one with Vox Machina and the Might Nein where the reader is a dancer/bard/entertainer and the group is a little tight in money or whatever reason so they go off and perform to help out in some way. The groups didn't know so they kind of state at them with jaws dropped

May have gotten slightly carried away, especially on that second scenario, but I had fun with it (might even continue a small story off it, who knows). This should be interesting, I hope this turns out well…… Enjoy 😁

Payed Preformance

Mighty Nein, Vox Machina & Reader (Platonic)

Mighty Nein

Just starting up in the adventuring business has proven to be very tricky, especially when it comes to making and managing money.

"No matter how we try it, there’s just no way we can afford enough rooms for everyone." Beau scratches the back of her head as she recounts your small amount of coin the group had for like the fifteenth time.

"We could always steal some." Nott points out.

"I don’t reckon that to be a good idea, we're tryin' to be in these people’s good graces remember." Fjord counters, rubbing at his temples.

"Just a friendly suggestion." Nott shrugs, clearly still plotting to actually do it. Everyone starts discussing what to do next, you let out a small sigh.

"I have an idea, that doesn’t involve stealing." You speak up, gaining the group’s attention. They stare at you in silence, waiting for you to continue and explain. You look away a second and take a breath. "Look just… just trust me on this."

"Hey, if it’ll help, I say go for it." Beau encourages. You give a nod, stand from your chair and leave the tavern with the group following behind curiously. As you look for a nice open spot you also dig around in your bag until you grasp the item you’re searching for, pulling out a small lute.

"I didn’t know you played!" You hear Jester pipe in, you turn to her and give her a smile and a small laugh.

"I don’t, I’m not the one who’ll be playing it." You get some confused looks, you just roll your eyes playfully and cast Unseen Servant, whispering your command to it whilst handing over the lute. Music begins to play and you start performing some fine acrobatics and contortionist abilities, quickly gaining a crowd as you did. Soon enough people start tossing their spare change, as they do you up the ante of the music and your performance baiting people to want to toss more coin your way just to see what you would do next. The whole time you can see at the corner of your eye the Nein staring in awe, as a grand finale you kick off a wall, do a tumble roll through the air and cast Prestidigitation to make a small fireworks display go off behind you. There’s a pause before the crowd you'd drawn in starts to clap and cheer a few "good show" being yelled here and there, you gather your spoils into your bag and walk over to the group.

"Will this do?" You ask, holding you bag open for them to inspect. Caleb stares into the bag giving a quick head count.

"I believe this’ll do just fine." He comments. There’s a small awkward silence that soon falls onto the group.

"Alright, since no one else wants to ask the question that’s on all our minds, I’ll do it myself." Molly quickly breaks away from the silence and looks to you. "Where did you learn how to do that?" You give a sigh.

"You know, you and Yasha aren’t the only ones who lived with a circus." You say somewhat matter-of-factly.

"Oh now that’s a story I have to hear." He perks up and gets uncomfortably close to your face until you shove him away.

"How about first we actually go through how much coin we *cough* I *cough* earned, then I might tell my story." You exaggerate on the might as a means to say you weren’t going to willingly give away your life story. Before anyone has the chance to say or ask you anything else you turn and make your way back into the tavern.

Vox Machina

"Alright! What did you boneheads do!" The doors to the tavern slam open and a very angry Vex marches her way over to the table giving a hard glare towards Grog and Scanlan. You, Keyleth and Percy all share a look then sit back and take a swig from your drinks ready to watch the show unfold.

"I have no idea what you’re talking about." The gnome tried to play things off smoothly, it didn’t work.

"Really." She raises an unconvinced eyebrow at him. "Well then I’m sure you have a perfectly good explantion for where that gaudy belt you’re wearing came from." You have to hold back a laugh at Scanlan's obvious discomfort. Vax comes and places an arm around his sister's shoulder.

"Hey relax, I’m sure it can’t be that bad." She eyes him a moment.

"Right… that’s a nice new cloak you got there. Where’d that come from?" Vex asks suspiciously. Vax then slowly removes his arm from her shoulder and she lets out a sigh. "Until we can sort this out you’re all banned from taking any money." You and Keyleth both nearly choke on your drinks.

"Come on Vex, don’t throw us into this mess. We’re not the ones who did anything wrong." You try to reason. She turns to you and pinches at the bridge of her nose.

"Look, I’m not trying to be the bad guy here, but we barely have enough gold for rooms and a meal." You let the words sink in, contemplating if you should suggest the idea that popped into you head or begrudgingly go along without spending money. When you come to your conclusion you take a deep breath to spike yourself up.

"What if I told you I had a way we could make back… at least a good some of the gold we’d lost." Everyone looks at you curiously.

"Please, by all means." You nod, chug down the rest of your drink and stand up walking around the table.

"Scanlan I’m borrowing you for a moment." You say grabbing the gnome by the collar of his shirt without letting him answer. You head out to find an open space on the road and place him down once you do.

"What was that for?" Scanlan asks, brushing himself off.

"I have a special request, if you don’t mind." He raises an interested eyebrow at you. You whisper to him your request and give an expectant look. "Think you could do that for me?"

"You got it!" He shoots you some finger guns then pulls out his instrument to help fulfil your request. You wave your hand letting the magic shimmer over you, changing your outfit to something more fitting and wait for your cue. Already a curious crowd starts to form around you, and when the music hits your ears you begin to move your body perfectly in time with the notes. As the song plays you match your movements with each note as if your body was a physical interpretation of the song itself. People start to toss gold and silver coin your way, some cheers and whistles being heard amongst the crowd, all the while you do what you can to repress any memories that try to resurface themselves, you were not gonna let the past ruin this for you. When the song is finally done you give a bow to the crowd breathing heavily to catch your breath, they all clap, cheer and some toss even a few extra coin your way. Once you’ve finally regained a normal breathing pattern and the crowd had dispersed you look back to the group, seeing them all jaw dropped.

"You’ve got quite the talent there." Scanlan says astonished. You give a light laugh, waving your hand as you do to change your outfit back to the way it was before.

"Where in blazes did that come from?" Grog asks, confused by your secret talent.

"That was incredible." Percy compliments.

"Where did you learn to dance like that?" Vax questions.

"You have to teach me how to dance sometime!" Keyleth quickly jumps in excitedly.

"Whoa, whoa slow down everyone, please." You hold your arms up defensively. "Look, it’s no big deal. Does that help make up some lost change?" You quickly change the subject, directing your attention over to Vex as she finishes collecting the last of the coin people left behind.

"I certainly does. I too am curious though as to where you learned to dance like that?" Vex reiterates her brothers question.

"Eh, it was a long time ago really. I don’t really dwell too much on it though." You wave them off.

"Well now I'd like to know too." Percy raises an eyebrow your way. You let out a sigh.

"Right, and I’m famished after all that. Can’t we just head back into the tavern and enjoy ourselves?" You ask, avoiding the question. Realizing they wouldn’t be getting a straight answer from you they all nod.

"You know what you need to really hammer home a job well done?" Grog gives you a big goofy smile, you knew where this was going but look at him curiously nonetheless. "A nice big mug of ale. Come on then!" He gives you a hardy laugh and a pat on the back, his immense strength making you have to catch yourself from falling to the ground.

[firstumcschenectady]

“Every. Single. Time.” based on Exodus 16:2-4, 9-15

As far as I can tell, the stories of the wandering in the desert are stories of the people learning dependence on God. Many of the stories of Exodus repeat the narrative “(1) Something was wrong, the people were worried. (2) The people complained. (3) God provided.” Since deserts aren't super hospitable to life, they make sense as places people can learn their dependence. The writer of Deuteronomy ends up worrying that once the people enter the “land of milk and honey” they'll forget that they are dependent on God. In the early centuries of Christianity the “Desert Fathers and Mothers” returned to the desert to seek connection with the Divine, and learn again the lessons of dependence.

Historically, there are some reasons to question the overarching narrative of the 40 year wandering in the desert. It may be MORE true that some of the proto-Israelites were desert nomads for a prolonged time in their history, and some of the proto-Israelites were slaves who had escaped from Egypt, and some of the proto-Israelites were Canaanites who decide to follow YHWH when the nomads and former slaves told their stories about YHWH. I rather like this idea, because it is pretty easy to see how nomadic hunter-gatherers in a harsh desert climate would definitely experience the gift of life as a gift from God. And, that their descendants who lived a more settled and fertile existence could relatively quickly change their minds about how lucky they are to be simply alive.

I rather like how these stories begin. The people are frightened for their lives. There is a lack of FOOD or WATER, and those are seriously dangerous lacks. The stories present frightened people as appropriately and realistically negative. They grumble. They mumble. They complain. They romanticize their former lives. In this case, they say, “If only we had died by the hand of the LORD in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the fleshpots and ate our fill of bread; for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger." And, I'll admit, I feel for Moses and Aaron. That ISN'T FAIR. It isn't even TRUE. But, I also feel for the people, because when humans are frightened for their lives, they really can't be held accountable for being “unfair” much less have reasonable perspective.

In these Exodus stories, every single time, God intervenes and provides. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Sometimes Moses and Aaron get annoyed, sometimes God gets annoyed, sometimes as a reader it gets annoying that they don't learn how to trust faster, but God provides EVERY SINGLE TIME.

And I have some feelings about that, because in our world today there is both an abundance of food and an abundance of hunger. Based on both the stories of our faith and the miraculous food producing capacity of the earth, I'm pretty sure that the story is STILL that God provides. But... human beings get in the way. We hoard (the US government is one of the worst), we promote “competition” for who gets to eat, we blame the hungry for being hungry, and we permit wealth to rise to the top no matter the cost to the bottom.

God provides.

Humans intercept.

The challenge is not scarcity – there is enough. There is MORE than enough. The problem is distribution . That is, the problem is acting out the belief that all people are worthy of surviving and thriving, as beloveds of God.

Around here, we try to do our part to change that story. We promote the humanity and belovedness of all people. We have a free breakfast, and we give people extra food to help them make it through the week. We advocate for policies to alleviate hunger everywhere in the world. We donate to SICM and help with summer lunches. We educate ourselves about food distribution, and work with “Bread for the World.” Our tithes and offerings promote justice and compassion programs around the world, and our extra gifts to UMCOR just add on to it.

But, it is a big problem and there is lot of work to be done to BOTH feed all of God's people AND change policies so we don't allow anyone to be hungry.

Some of the reason I said all that is because it is true. Another reason is because I'm about to take this story metaphorically, and I could not do so in good faith until I also took the literal meaning of hungry people seriously as well. Especially now when A LOT more people are hungry world wide then were before the pandemic.

When I first considered this passage, my attention was drawn to that complaining and yearning for Egypt. It seemed worth talking about our yearning for what used to be, and how the yearning can erase the realities of the past – things like slavery for example. Much of what I hear, and a good portion of what I experience these days is a yearning for pre-pandemic times. Recently, after I'd shared a bit about how odd it was to give birth during a pandemic and how unexpected parenting a baby during a pandemic has been, a perspective person said, “Well, and you got pregnant before the pandemic, you didn't sign up for any of this.”

I sighed with relief, like you do when someone really understands. Also, I think that applies to all of us a little bit. The things we were thinking about, planning, and even worrying about 2 years ago all changed on us in early 2020. And we didn't sign up for this! The stressors and conflicts we live now we wouldn't have been able to dream 2 years ago. And we didn't sign up for this.

2 years ago wasn't great. It really wasn't. There were serious injustices happening, and the things we were worried about were real. Comparatively though, I see why we want to go back. I can even see why the people grumbling in the desert would have wanted to go back. With death looming, anything else looks better. But Egypt wasn't their future, it was their past. And we aren't going back to pre-pandemic times either.

The wandering in the desert, as the story says, was important for forming the people, forming their faith, teaching them their dependence on God. It got them ready for the Promised Land, but it was so hard and so terrifying, there were a lot of times they thought going back was worth it. Without knowing what the Promised Land would be like, or when they would get there, the only things they knew were the terrifying lack of resources of the desert and the utter oppression of slavery.

For most of us, our pre-pandemic times weren't THAT bad, but I hear people saying now, “Having had a break from it all, I don't want to live like that anymore.” We're different. We've been formed by this time in the desert. We're still being formed by this time in the desert. I'm not sure when the Promised Land is coming.

As much as the desire to go back to Egypt caught my initial attention, I couldn't help but notice that it is only the beginning of this story. This isn't the story of landing in the Promised Land. This is a story of having God provide. This is a story of there being BREAD on the ground in the desert that would sustain the people AND quails flying overhead for protein, and both of them being gifts of life from the God of life. (In the desert, where other people didn't interfere with God's gifts.)

This is the story where God says, “'At twilight you shall eat meat, and in the morning you shall have your fill of bread; then you shall know that I am the LORD your God.'" And then when it happened, and the bread showed up, the people said, “What is it??????”

And this is where I think God is leading me today.

We're in the desert, dear ones. Whatever our roles and circumstances were in Egypt, it is far behind. Whatever our roles and circumstances will be in the Promised Land, we aren't there yet. We are DEEP in the desert, learning our dependence on God. And that means that God is giving us gifts that we desperately need to survive.

And most likely we're responding along the lines of “Huh?” or “What is THAT?” Or “I'm not sure I want that.” Maybe more than anything we're thinking, “I'd rather have bread from Pereccas, or Gershons, or Friehofers.” These gift that God is giving, we might not even recognize them. We might not want them. We might be a little horrified.

Today's story ends with Moses telling the confused and hungry people, “It is the bread that YHWH has given to you to eat.”

What is the bread that God is giving to you to eat right now? How are you feeling about it?

Holy One, help us see what you are giving us, and help us receive nourishment from what you offer. We are tired, weary, weak, and frightened people. Your nourishment is what we need to go on, and we know that this desert wandering is not your final plan for us. Amen

August 1, 2021

Rev. Sara E. Baron 

First United Methodist Church of Schenectady 

603 State St. Schenectady, NY 12305 

Pronouns: she/her/hers 

http://fumcschenectady.org/ 

https://www.facebook.com/FUMCSchenectady

[lezliefaithwade]

A Breath of Fresh Air

The summer after my first year of theatre school, I was sleeping on the living room floor of my cousin's apartment in Toronto, trying to figure out what to do with my life. My cousin had been an actor before he became a quadriplegic in a car accident, and as I unadvisedly bemoaned my unemployment status, he said something like, "Seriously? You're complaining about your life? Don't make me burst a colostomy bag." He was right, of course. I wasn't in a wheelchair, though I did have a stepmother who had rendered me homeless because of her dislike for me. She was always saying things like, "Your hair can't be as ugly as that hat you're wearing." Or simply refusing to invite me to things like Christmas dinner. I always admired people with families. My boyfriend at the time was one of five kids who were always doing things together. Their house was always full of noise and activities. Even as a shiksa, I felt more at home there than with my stepbrothers and sisters, who never lost an opportunity to point out that I was weird. I wanted to stand up to them, but not wanting to cause my father any grief, I held my tongue and sought refuge elsewhere. It occurred to me that perhaps I was using the theatre as an opportunity to say things through characters that I couldn't find the courage to express myself.

The Toronto Star was still open on the kitchen table, and I rummage through the Want Ads, that dirty part of the newspaper near the back where complete strangers will soon become complete assholes in your life by forcing you to work menial jobs in humiliating uniforms for minimum wage.

"Find anything?" my cousin called from the bedroom, where two attendants helped wash and dress him.

"Social services are advertising for camp councilors to work with emotionally challenged kids."

"Oh yeah," He said. "That might suit you."

I'm not sure I knew what he meant but, I was beginning to think I'd outgrown my welcome. My cousin probably would have encouraged me to join the circus if the option had been available. Knowing my living room days were numbered, I thought it best to make an effort and apply.

I had no experience teaching drama—no experience working with kids and no experience going to or working at a camp. Despite all that, I was hired. It's worth noting that it's probably not a good sign if you get a job with no qualifications whatsoever.

My official position was Drama Councillor, and I prided myself that with only a year and half of theatre training behind me, I was well equipped to help others benefit from the wealth of my experience. I imagined myself, Maria Von Trapp, teaching children how to sing while they looked at me adoringly. Somehow, I conveniently blocked out the rebellious early stages she experienced and skipped straight to the good parts. Also, I might add, forgetting about the Nazis and having to climb over a mountain. Still, visions of me biking around camp with a group of happy campers behind me filled me with a sense of self-satisfaction.

As I packed my knapsack with deet and a secret stash of Twinkies, I thought of how only three weeks earlier I'd been in New York walking through Central Park and savoring Cappuccinos at outdoor cafés on Columbus. Now, here I was, ready for something different. The wilderness, I imagined, would be a welcome change—fresh air and loons instead of smog and sirens. I thought smugly about my classmates sweating behind visors at take-out windows shoveling fries into cardboard cups or wrapping sandwiches in tinfoil. Thumbs up to adventure, I told myself. The fact that I'd never once in my life enjoyed the great outdoors didn't factor into my mind. All of this changed with each accumulated minute of the 391 Kilometer drive north.

It was late afternoon when I arrived at the compound. Overcast, sullen, it was a place so secluded you'd need flares to find it. It had that distinct aura of someplace time forgot. A place left behind and neglected. In the brochure, the sun was shining, flowers filled the meadow, and you could practically hear laughter floating off the page. What I was looking at bore more of a resemblance to a situation in a Stephen King novel where camp councilors discover a pack of hungry teenage zombies have lured them to a seemingly idyllic retreat. Situated right in the heart of black fly country, I spent most of my days swatting insects so big they seem Jurassic.

During our orientation, child care workers warned us that children with mental health needs tend to run away - a lot and to keep strict attendance records and all eyes on them at all times. "These kids are resourceful and clever," they cautioned. I couldn't imagine being so determined you'd risk your life by escaping through the woods that surrounded us, but then again, I'd never been around children who weren't allowed cutlery before either

I shared my cabin with three other women with who I had absolutely nothing in common. Delia, a humorless 27-year-old cooking instructor who answered every question with a monosyllabic grunt, Jennifer, a 26-year old tennis instructor with massive blond ringlets who talked so quickly she sounded like a record on high speed, and an older aboriginal woman named Sunny who made us all dream catchers and offered advice about how to heal ourselves on days when we'd feel spent. "Remember, these kids need us," she said while purifying our cabin with sage. As I glanced around my assigned bunk, taking in the spider webs and loose floorboards, I had that sinking feeling that comes when you know you've made a terrible mistake. Before long, I was eating copious amounts of peanut butter on stale bagels amid a never-ending supply of starch. I'm not sure who thought it was a good idea to feed children with challenges like anxiety, depression, hyperactivity, and eating disorders copious amounts of sugar and carbs. It certainly did nothing to help them or me.

On the first day of class, I sat everyone in a circle. "Welcome to drama class," I said with a smile. "Let's begin by sharing with everyone a little bit about ourselves. Anything at all you'd like us to know?" A hand went up.

"I'm Tracy, and I hate my stupid ass brother. He can go straight to hell."

"Okay," I said, "That's a start. Who's next?"

Another hand. "I'm Jonathan, and this place sucks so much I wish it would burn to the ground!"

"Fair enough. Anyone else?"

"I'm Jo. I'm schizophrenic. So sometimes I'm Rachel and Julia. You'll know the difference because Rachel has a British dialect, and Julia talks slang."

"O-kay." I glanced at the social workers who sat on the edge of the room and looked at me with an expression that basically said, "We can't wait to see what you do next."

"Let's write a play," I suggested. "Write anything you want. Once you're happy with the work, I'll shape it into a cohesive piece that we'll rehearse and then present at the end of the season talent showcase."

The kids liked this idea. The showcase was a big deal. It was an opportunity for them to blow off some steam and express themselves to friends and family in a creative way. My only stipulation was not to use profanity. As the weeks passed, I was impressed with how well they all threw themselves into this project—all except Eric, the oldest boy in my 12 to 15-year-olds. Eric often wandered around the rehearsal space, unfocused and sullen.

"Any ideas for your piece?" I ask, checking in to see if I could help.

"I'm thinking," he'd say and then pace.

With three weeks left in the summer, I took my well-deserved week off to decompress. My boyfriend came up from Toronto and drove me to his parent's house at Post and Bayview, where caterers were preparing the tennis courts for an outdoor party. I walked into his mother's living room, and she gasped. "What happened to you?"

I didn't blame her. I hadn't spent much time looking at a mirror the past four weeks, but one glance at the large one in their bathroom told the full story. My hair was ratty; I had scabs on my knees, bruises on my arms and legs, and I was sunburnt. I was wearing a vintage skirt and blouse that was probably more Value Village than vintage and a pair of worn, scuffed purple moccasins; in essence, I was wearing slippers on my feet.

"Please take her to the mall and at least buy her a pair of shoes," his mother said, handing me her credit card and then rushing off to make sure the stuffed alligator would float in the pool. That week I ate my way through rugelach, hamantaschen, brisket, and bagels while his family watched me with awe and disgust.

Back at camp, the smell of burning insect repellent greeted me along with the news that the sailing and tennis instructors were sacked for disorderly conduct. Never mind, I had renewed energy and a sense of purpose. There were costumes and props to make. Sound and lighting effects to create. And we needed to rehearse. It was only a tiny stage somewhere on a remote camp in Northern Ontario, but the excitement was palpable. I was excited. This would be the best talent show ever, and my kids were going to blow the socks off everyone there!!!

"Eric," I said, "How's your piece coming along?"

"I finished it," he mentioned casually

"That's great. Can I see it?"

"I want to surprise you. You're going to love it, though. I promise."

I patted myself on the back. Eric had a breakthrough. All my encouragement and patience had paid off. Perhaps I'd helped him have a developmental breakthrough.

"Can you tell me what it's about?" I asked.

"The Beatles."

"Great. Okay," and left it at that.

Talent Night arrived along with parents and family friends. The lights dimmed, the kids performed, and the audience enthusiastically applauded as each "Mighty Mite" or "Spirit of Paradise" breezed across the stage, acting out skits about fairies and monsters and assorted escapades. Finally, it was Eric's turn. Out he came, looking serious and theatrical. He cleared his throat and addressed the audience.

"This is called, The Beatles Last Recording Session. By, Me."

Three of his closest camp friends filed out and took a space on the stage. The audience was silent.

There was a dramatic pause, then the piece began.

"Fuck you, Ringo,"

"Fuck you, Paul."

"Fuck you, George."

"Well fuck you, John."

Then they bowed and left the stage.

Personally, I thought it was kind of brilliant. Needless to say, I wasn't showered with accolades about my teaching methods or the effect I had on kids. I left there having no catharsis about mental health except that giving people the opportunity to express themselves without censor is probably a lot healthier than insisting they stay quiet. I admired the honesty displayed in the kid's work. If only, I thought to myself, I could be half as brave. Wasn't that what I was spending time and money learning how to do?

A week after being home, I found myself packing, once more, for school in New York. Our term letters had arrived with instructions on where to buy character shoes, leotards, copies of The Children's Hour, and Death of a Salesman. The camp already felt like it was 391 kilometers away - soon to be 659. My father drove me to the train station with my stepmother beside him; she was there, no doubt, to ensure I boarded.

"You going to be okay?" my father asked, giving me a hug and slipping a $50 bill into my pocket.

"She'll be fine." Elsie chimed in. "You don't have to worry about her. Let's go."

But I wanted my father to worry about me. Not all the time and to the exclusion of all else, but certainly the appropriate fatherly amount.

As I settled myself on the train, I watched my stepmother pull from father from the platform to the car and thought of Eric's brilliant play. Under my breath, I whispered the immortal words of the Beatles, "Fuck you."

#stepmother #mental health #children #young people #summer camp

[nerdygaymormon]

Uncle David, Sundays are so hard since I figured out that I'm queer and accepted it just over a year ago. I thought it would get easier, but every time I hear someone preach, doesn't matter the topic, my heart just breaks and I get angry, so so angry, because of how hurtful those teachings and those words have been all my life. That church has done so much harm, and I didn't see it until a few years ago. Does the pain ever get better? Does it ever hurt less? It's like, Ultimate Betrayal...

I think it hurts so much because this organization which is supposed to be a reflection of God’s love for us and to help us to come closer to Christ turns out to be very flawed. 

The past few years I’ve seen some of the harm done by church teachings by the hundreds who’ve contacted me to talk about being suicidal or self harm. The fruits of the teachings are easy to see and they are not good. 

And it does feel like a big betrayal when we realize that what the Church says about LGBTQ people is not true, this is not how God thinks of queer people and those sermons don’t describe our experiences. Church is supposed to nurture us and build us up and help us do better, not tear us down and fill us with shame and fear for what our lives will be. And I think it’s important to name that, to witness that this church harms queer lives, call it out.

Does it get better? Yes, because you will recognize the false teachings and gain confidence that you are just as worthy & deserving of God’s love as anyone else, that being queer actually brings unique blessings & opportunities to your life.   

For me, there’s still a few times each year where church hurts. It could be they’re talking about LGBTQ people, or it could be they talk about the covenant path & forever families and I know they don’t include me in that. For example, on one Father’s Day a young dad said God gives His choice spirits to people He trusts. I know what he meant but my queer ears heard that God doesn’t trust me. God trusts some idiots who accidentally have children. And why? Because they’re straight? 

One of the hard things I had to do is learn to reject those messages and find what God really thinks about people like me. And yet, it’s hard to ignore those words at church and the shame or pity or condescension those messages contain. The logical thing is to remove ourselves from environments that won’t accept us and which say such negative things about us. 

Yet I’m still here, and sometimes I ask myself why. 

I nearly left when the Policy of Exclusion about gay couples and their children was released in 2015. I knew that wasn’t right and I was yelling at God and was told it’s fine to leave, but if I stay there’s a work for me to do. I agreed to do that work, and it’s been an amazing ride, but still sometimes it’s really hard. 

At some point I will again face the decision, do I stay or do I leave? 

The beauty is, once you are grown up and have control of your life, you get to make your own decisions. You and God get to work out your path together. God wants the best things for us and I hope you have some amazing experiences learning just how much God wants you to have joy.

[jst-too-much]

What did 2020 teach you?!

The lessons I've received from 2020 are life changing. I'm extremely grateful to still be here to talk about it.

The most valuable lesson I learned was Self Worth. For many years I struggled with feeling like I wasn't good enough & NO! the feeling didn't just go away but it is something I continue to work on. I realized that many people who were supporting me were only there for their personal benefit.

Am I mad at these people, absolutely not, they no longer have access to my life. For a very long time I struggled with being a people pleaser because I just felt 'NOT ENOUGH'. I would do anything for anyone because I just felt that they would need me more. I knew I was doing this in every kind of relationship I had, & I mean romantically, friendships, even with my family.

So what made me stop!!! Being isolated from the world for almost 4 months! Self-reflection.. I dealt with all my demons & insecurities. I went through family issues and the same people I was there for when they had issues, did not reciprocate the same for me. I felt so alone & betrayed. From the minute the ball dropped in 2020 I just felt the darkness taking over, I was severely depressed, suicidal thoughts, the darkest of darkest places is where I was. I can't even explain what triggered it, but I was there and I was living there and making myself very comfortable. I was robotic, getting up everyday continuing life like nothing was wrong, but when I look back I don't even remember a lot. My very AMAZING boyfriend and I even broke up! No other reason than I was just depressed & dead inside. We drifted apart & by the time I realized it, It was too late! So now I'm alone battling this all byself.

How did I get through this?

With no one being there for me to talk to and confide in I just started processing my wrongs and my rights. I had to figure out what was the root cause of it all and fix it. I taught everyone around me that I am capable of handling everything on my own, so when I did need anyone, no one knew how to be there for me. This is not an excuse for them though because sometimes listening is enough, or just sitting in room with me in silence.

Teaching yourself that you are worthy in your Mid 30s is not easy. Falling in love with yourself after having changed so much over the years is hard ASF. I had to get to know myself again, just like in any new relationship. I did a lot of writing & reading what I was writing. I talked to myself, because who's going to be harder on you than you & knows you better than you. Most importantly of all I started looking at myself in the mirror. This was the most important because I was forgetting what I looked like, stopped getting dressed, stopped taking pictures of myself, I just let myself go. Then I realized I needed to change because I felt when I looked at myself I was still this 16/17 year old girl. So this was definitely how others saw me. I wanted to change myself but still look at myself and see me, but an improved me. So once I started realizing that I was worth so much more than I've lead myself to believe I was, I needed to try to fix my relationship with this AMAZING man. I was scared because months went by and again I thought to myself, what if he no longer wants me, what if he has moved on? I had to tell myself that even if I've convinced myself of this, he has done nothing but love and support you, he's not perfect but you love him and stop giving up on the things you want most cause you're intimidated. So I reached out and he responded. We talk out all of our problems and we decided to give Us another chance. No, it hasn't been easy but it's been worth it. To say that his love is what I need, is an understatement. He has been right by my side, as I continue to rebuild myself. He is there to talk sense into me. Tells me when I'm being stupid & when and how to hold my ground with people. He encourages me to be better everyday and helps me see the beauty I possess.

I know I am difficult, but who isn't. I do know I'm a great person with the biggest heart. I was wearing myself down because I was giving so much of myself away to everyone, and wasn't receiving nearly a quarter back. So I had to learn to say no. I had to enforce my boundaries to protect myself and my heart. I learned to put myself first. To me that is the great lesson.

So often we lose ourselves in so much, work, friends, family and relationships, that we forget who we are. It's okay to say NO! It's okay to reject people with negative energy, & it is definitely okay to teach people how you want to be treated, even if they don't agree. Its absolutely okay to no longer have people in you life who don't add value, even if you've known them forever.

To be yourself 💯 of the time, you have to continuously chose you! There will be people who will tell you, you've changed, and thats GREAT because that is the point. You are suppose to continue to evolve. Different life experiences will have different outcomes on people.

Just keep choosing you & the things that make you happy over everything.

[kidmachinate]

Sometimes, You Need Help Standing Back Up

Before I get into what this post now is, let me explain what it was. Similar to posts I’ve made, this was gonna be either a tragedy or thought masked in imagery/gaming/song references. I don’t think this is a shock to anyone, especially to a anyone that knows me. It was gonna be a quote that led into being a “gray rock” with some but not all context provided. This would be looped back around into using a pebble in Bloodborne to kill an enemy. Going through the long grueling process of doing that so I can be like, hey, I did it. Here’s the problem. It stems from an issue I have, an issue that some kind of outside validation is needed. Like hey, I did the thing. Crazy, given I try so hard to be a pillar of hope and inspiring to others. People don’t see what I deal with though inside and I’m tired. Very, very tired. So, this post will go in a different direction. To point at the only person there is to blame for all this. Me.

I have an addiction to toxic relationships. It’s true. Or maybe to fixing others. Is there a term for this? Call me crazy if you will but it is the truth. It’s not drinking, it’s not drugs, it’s not whatever else we commonly speak of…but I promise it is as real as it gets. I read this before making this post. Somehow...it doesn't make me feel better. This is without therapy. These are my thoughts of where it all stems from and why I cling to it whether it be in regard to friends, family, or partners. I will be bringing this up next session and seeing what I can do about it because I need help. Badly. More than Red Warrior needing food. Because my thought is always, I can see that in me. I too am not perfect. I can fix it! No…I fucking can’t.

When I entered a certain period in high school, I was slipping in both the relationship I had at the time by taking on a damaged partner and really dropping the ball on my grades. Said partner was always picked on. I get that since I too was mostly an outcast at school and not one of the "cool kids" as I say to this day. Before someone gets the wrong idea, let’s drop a hint. I got with this unnamed person which apparently held me back from many others I could have pursued, or so I was told. Oops. It wasn’t a crucial relationship in my life by any means, but I wish you peace…wherever you are. I knew I COULD do good and get the grades. My mind just needed to be right. I asked my parents for help. I specifically said the following and I verified this to make sure I didn't remember this incorrectly:

“I think I need help”

They only saw the report card and were like, hey, let’s get him a math tutor. That isn’t the help I was seeking. I asked a few more times, providing more and more context each time. It wasn’t long before I realized I wasn’t being taken seriously. I folded. These are patterns that continued on and on. Over and over again. I would see a math tutor for months. Bless her heart, I wouldn’t have passed math without her. I was slipping in other subjects as well. I worked hard senior year just to graduate. To prove I could. That I was “good enough” to my parents. Looking back, did school really matter? That’s a whole other conversation. Always having to look good for someone. That is technically what school teaches you. To be a good employee. Not an entrepreneur. To take orders.

Is this why it all occurs as it does and I carried it over to every aspect of my life? I don't know. It is my theory. I'll be talking about this with my therapist. In the later years, before Dad's passing, he started to understand why I was defiant at times. Did things differently. Still got jobs done even if not the way he said for the family business. Got zero complaints running the business in his absence. Told you I could do it. He understood. Miss the hell out of you Dad.

The thing is all of this led to me never at any point in time opening up enough to lay out boundaries. This was my mistake time and time again. Any attempt at showing emotion I would shut myself down. My Dad never caved and I'm in a spanish family. Gotta be a MAN! Can't go showing emotion and shit. What an old concept. I'm glad we're starting to change the narrative on that in the world. At times when I would try to make my feelings and/or attempts at boundaries in relationships that lasted long enough for this to matter, it would be shut down in favor or what was going on in their lives. That's fair. Let's ride this wave together. But then my scenario got overlooked. Constantly. Before the no contact suggestion comes, while I get it, it still doesn't solve the me mystery. I seek answers.

This all was my fault. If someone gets mad upon setting a boundary or opening up about feelings, that is probably a sign they were benefitting from you not having one. But how is one to know if it was never stated? I tried more than once but eventually caved, like I did back in high school. I'd brush it off and be like this is fine because I believed in the potential (another mistake) of insert any relationship here. Some didn't last long enough for this to matter but the ones that did took their toll. I could have done better. I'm trying to in the last few months and results have been quite telling. Regardless of what I discover with others, I still need to fix me.

What else is there to say? Not much. So how do we cope? We laugh. We acknowledge. We even make fun our ourselves. I used this before. I found my kirby.

I might lose some people after making this public. The thing of all this is the details don't matter and there is so much that will likely forever go unsaid. I've got a support group for that. The signs were there in each scenario and I stayed. The hard part is still wanting to care and also not letting the scenarios convert to hate and being jaded...and it is really...fucking...hard. I felt myself shifting towards hate so I needed to pull back. I'm scheduling my next appointment soon because I can focus on me without outside scenarios. If I haven't lost you, thanks. This is the most vulnerable post I've made on here. Possibly ever. We shall see. Intent matters, sure. But sometimes, you too, can be the toxic one.

If the healer dies, the raid goes to shit. Time to heal myself and get my shit together. Again.

[punkscowardschampions]

Savannah & Jac

Savannah: 🙌 forced family time is cancelled 🙌 hallelujah Savannah: what are we doing? Jac: Celebrating that, obviously 😘 Jac: What excuse did you use and/or what's the sitch? Savannah: Give me a guest list because honestly does not need to turn into a downer as soon as Savannah: it was a great excuse though, taking a mental health moment Savannah: school has me INCREDIBLY stressed Jac: It should be ILLEGAL how hard they make us work, though, preach 👏 Jac: Is totally doesn't get it because she isn't in the top sets like us Jac: it 👏 is 👏 SO 👏 much 👏 more 👏 work 👏 Savannah: if her mother wasn't a teaching assistant, she'd be languishing in the bottom set Savannah: even she knows it Savannah: IMAGINE if she worked at ours Jac: Seriously, ugh, she's stressing me out rn actually Jac: some of us are trying to keep good skin over here, babe, please 😬😖 Jac: She would die, it'd be bad enough having your mum be a teacher, but a teaching assistant like... 🙈 I can't Savannah: you were GLOWING when I left you Savannah: what's she done now? Jac: ❤❤❤ Jac: this is why you CANNOT okay Jac: if we are partying, we need to have such a pamper sesh first, NO ONE but you can 👀 me like this, I swear Jac: it's so typical her Jac: like I love you but the drama, and she always makes it herself Jac: she's 💔 about that boy, the one that's friends with Xav? LIKE I'M SORRY, you didn't even LIKE him before but now he's NOT available to you, hmm 🤔 interesting 💅 Savannah: Baby girl I have got you, my auntie just got this shit imported that's like next level skincare Savannah: you'll look as beautiful to everyone else as you do to me Savannah: 🚫🚫 Is Savannah: I don't know what boy she means so he's obviously not all that important, my god Jac: 🙌 Come through Auntie!!! Jac: you are THE sweetest angel, like how did I even survive before you ??? Jac: 🙄 Serious! Jac: She's definitely mad I'm over it but like, we all have shit on our 🧠 and it's frankly way more important than this non-drama boy drama Jac: you weren't out there looking for sympathy and you're actually struggling, like, why can't she be more like you, and everyone else too, tbh 😘😘 Savannah: I'm religious about this one serum, you will be about ready to die seeing yourself afterwards Savannah: & so will everyone else we invite to this party Savannah: it's no wonder you're over it, she can't let a single thing go! The leggings incident being case in point, it happened such a long time ago Savannah: but she still has to be in my face about it Savannah: Like, sometimes depressed people are slightly thoughtless Savannah: let me live Jac: I'm SO here for this Jac: you wanna come over here? Jude is out and I can easily get rid of the others too Jac: FACTS Jac: you think she'd be more understanding Jac: someone who claims to have social anxiety, remember that too? Jac: WHERE THOUGH??? 😂 Jac: I'm so much quieter than her, like, it's such an excuse with her for when she embarrasses herself or doesn't want to do something Savannah: YES to everything! Savannah: & remember when she had too many shots at Laura's 15th Savannah: Say you think I'm faking it if that's what you think Savannah: I can't cry constantly, I don't look cute doing it Jac: You ALWAYS look cute and that's like all her issue Jac: it's really blatant Jac: babe, the insecurity, it's so sad 😥 Savannah: The last thing I want is for Ty to think that I'm upset because of him when he's the sweetest and the most understanding boo ever but that's clearly what she wants Savannah: he'd be so upset if he saw me cry Jac: ❤❤ such a good boy Jac: her jealousy is so out of control Jac: I wanna help her but how is lashing out at us, her ONLY friends, helpful? Jac: why should we, sometimes, honestly Savannah: every time I've suggested a work out, she shoots me down Savannah: I can't be any more helpful, it's really beneficial & you refuse to try Jac: it's pure laziness Jac: like you said, she'd be bottom everything if her mum didn't like DO her work for her Jac: 🙄 over it, like, lowkey don't even wanna invite her rn Savannah: we could have it at mine, you know what my family get like when there's too many people Savannah: it's not personal Isabelle, it's my mum's crazy acting up Jac: See if she's gonna pop off on your mum too, like Jac: Ugh, I dunno Jac: do we give her a chance to redeem herself? Savannah: The divorce hit hard, as well you know Is, that's why my auntie lives here Savannah: Ooh what kind of chance? Jac: She doesn't get anything about real life Jac: be lucky if her mammy and daddy let her come anyway 😏 Jac: I'm thinking, okay, don't judge me for this 🙊🙊🙊 Savannah: never Savannah: you're perfect Jac: love ❤❤ Jac: So, she's made her bed by acting all salty about this boy, yeah? So, for all this nonsense, I think she needs to invite Shane and let me have him Jac: because she can't POSSIBLY be into him really if she's still hung up on this other boy? Like, that's not fair Savannah: she would string him along but we're not letting her Savannah: There's no way Shane deserves that Savannah: he doesn't deserve you either because WHO could but if you want him Jac: and actually me and him have way better chats and so much more in common Savannah: he's told Ty endless amounts about how much he likes you, bear with, I'll show you Jac: He's really cute, right? Jac: 🤭 oh my god, babe Savannah: [a million screenshots that you don't deserve to have, get off your man's phone hoe] Jac: 1000% saving them Jac: she'll act so pressed but he wants me anyway, what are you gonna do? FORCE him? 🙄 girl, STOP 🛑 Savannah: ^^ 👏 Savannah: remember when she kept walking away from Aaron & he told her to stop & like TOUCHED her arm, she acted like he grabbed her or something Savannah: double standard there Jac: OMG yes Jac: like, I swear she wants to RUIN these boy's lives, who hurt her? 🤔 it's not cute, cannot deal with girls like that 🙅 Savannah: Let the boy speak Savannah: my dad left & I'm not taking it out on my boyfriend Jac: ^^ the immaturity Jac: we're out here trying to grow and heal and be the best versions of ourselves we can be Jac: and she just... 😑 I can't Savannah: she needs Jesus & we're closer to Buddhists 👌💅 Jac: Literally Jac: IMAGINE if I was still stuck with just her and Amelia Anderson, please Jac: actually saved me 🙏🙌😇❤ Savannah: Honey, NO I will not think about it Savannah: I swear you're my soulmate Jac: It's SO true Jac: no one else is on our level, I swear Jac: you just get it Savannah: who was I & what was I doing before I knew you? Savannah: it hurts my heart to even think about past me Jac: Me too 🥺 Jac: but no one is ever gonna fuck with you again, I swear Jac: least of all Is, that's that 👋 Savannah: now I am crying Savannah: I love you Jac: I love you too Jac: we're totally taking my dad's best 📷 and having a MOMENT Jac: the world has gotta see how good we look after our skincare vibes Savannah: everything I ordered during my midnight madness has arrived & there's a dress I'm giving to you Savannah: Shane will die Jac: You are the MOST generous, best best friend ever, I can't even Savannah: how do you want your make up because we can do barely there since you'll be 🌟✨ Savannah: or you can make a statement that you're ready to go all in for him and bring that effort Jac: What do you think? Savannah: You never have to go hard with your 😇 face Savannah: there's no flaws to hide Jac: 😚😚😚 okay then Jac: that's the mood Jac: like I'm not crazy 💕 on him, or anything but he's sweet, we could be cute Jac: not as cute as you and Ty, of course 😘 Savannah: You'll feel it when you feel it Savannah: if you forced it you'd be like Is Jac: 😱😱 NEVER Savannah: she's trying to start a conversation with me Savannah: I don't want this Jac: Oh my GOD Jac: and when does she ever Jac: bet she wants to bitch about me Savannah: Yeah totally Savannah: Who does she think I am? You're my everything Jac: You can see if she does though, play along Savannah: She's started unprompted! Savannah: 'What's Jac's problem with me? Why's she being like this' Savannah: Let me say hello Jac: Wow, like, where's the 'how are you?' but I'm the rude one 🤷 Savannah: Are you okay JJ? Savannah: this is so unnecessarily mean girl of her Jac: Like, I'm so unsurprised but Jac: what's my problem, why is it MY problem suddenly Savannah: ^^ Savannah: [screenshots screenshots screenshots lol] Savannah: she's the one with all the issues, look Jac: 🙄🙄 how much of this did you just say to my face, babe? Jac: if you can't then maybe you should keep it to yourself Savannah: I feel sad Jac: 😿 Jac: we can't let her ruin our night with whatever negativity she's trying to bring rn Savannah: if she's not bringing your boy to you I don't want her around me Savannah: she has to Jac: Like, seriously, do we even invite you? Jac: Ty knows Shane Jac: I was being a good friend and essentially asking for her blessing but why when it just gets thrown in my face like this Savannah: She doesn't deserve to be your friend Jac: It does feel that way 😟 Jac: just so glad I have you Savannah: It can be the 4 of us, you'll feel so much better Jac: I think so Jac: just not in that party mood now Savannah: I'm gonna pamper you & then Shane will too, that's the mood now Jac: 😍🙏 Jac: thank you so much Jac: that's what I need rn, forget her Savannah: She can cry all she wants, I'm not interested Savannah: we're gonna have the best time Jac: We always do Jac: especially when she's not there draining our energy Savannah: Come over whenever Savannah: Ty's got basketball & then he'll be standing in front of the mirror forever post shower taking selfies Savannah: if I wasn't so secure I'd be worried about the time he spends photographing his muscles Jac: his ❤ and 👀 are on 🔒 Jac: bless him Savannah: I can't imagine being with anyone else Savannah: if he leaves me I'll be joining my mum as a wreck who stays in bed constantly Jac: He never will Jac: he's not INSANE Savannah: am I too much? I feel like I have that gene Jac: Oh please Jac: he's rightly obsessed with you Jac: you're so gonna be together forever and get married and have all the cute babies Savannah: They would be the cutest Savannah: I hate not being from a big, close family like yours Savannah: I'm gonna make one Jac: Hey, you're my sister Jac: soulsisters, right, no matter what Savannah: Yes! Savannah: We're gonna be together forever too Savannah: & our babies will grow up as best friends Jac: That will be the best Jac: I wish we'd known each other from being babies too Jac: you were so sweet omg 🥺 Savannah: Shoutout to your dad for taking the perfect amount of pictures of how perfect you've always been Savannah: 👼🏻 Jac: Some of them are so cringe though 😒😂 Jac: thanks so much, dad 👌 Savannah: my dad's head has been ✂ out of all of ours Savannah: what could be more cringe? Savannah: my mum can literally never stop herself Jac: do you have any you managed to save? Savannah: I have some she didn't know were in my room Jac: that's good Jac: you could do something with them Jac: or, failing that ✂ her head out Savannah: Will you help me? Savannah: you're like the most artistic person I've ever met Jac: Of course I will Jac: we could make a frame out of 🌷 🌹 🌺 🌸 🌼 🌻 Savannah: OH Savannah: I love that Jac: Right? Kind of everything Jac: we could get one of those fake garlands to hang all our polaroids on too Savannah: 🥰 Savannah: this is why you're in top set for everything Jac: Awh, I just like beautiful things Jac: that's why we're best friends Savannah: you're SUCH a beautiful thing Savannah: I hope you know Jac: Thanks to you Jac: NEVER gonna let you forget ❤ Savannah: Do you need a lift? My auntie is asking because she loves you too Jac: 😭😭 family of 😇s Jac: yes please 😘 Savannah: 10 minutes, baby