31mmstudios - Tumblr blog

[31mmstudios]

This is your gentle reminder that even though you're not making the progress you want to make, you're much further than before. I'm proud of you.

@mielabong

[31mmstudios]

If all you did was get through today, you did a great job.

- Miel Abong

[31mmstudios]

Nasty little glitch

This morning, I experienced one of those moments where one feels like their own mind betrayed them.

"I thought I was stronger than this" replayed in my mind relentlessly. I couldn't compose myself and I felt like it was out of my control. I felt weak, helpless, and so full of fear I couldn't think straight.

It felt like years of personal work disappeared in a moment.

Here's what happened:

CONTENT WARNING - Panic attack. Needles. Phobia.

I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes around 2017. I've been on and off medication for a while. Sometimes it's under control, and sometimes it isn't. Metformin did a great job at one point, but it caused me so much nausea that I lost a lot of work.

My blood sugar, cholesterol, triglycerides, and uric acid would fluctuate very often as well. And because I eliminated sugar from my diet, I've resorted to other flavors which elevated the other things.

I found out from a recent visit to my doctor's that my issues have many causes. It's not just from what I eat. It's also because of stress. And though my work doesn't produce that much stress, I do still have anxiety and depression, and those are my primary sources of stress. This is why I need more help in managing my conditions.

I just began my insulin shots for the first time.

I got nervous when I was told this by my endocrinologist, but I seemed to have managed through the day. I did however, wonder why it felt like my blood would run cold during the day, despite enjoying the time I spent with my friends.

The next day, I finally faced the needle and in came a full-blown panic attack.

I was crying on and off for almost two hours and my hands were trembling beyond my control. My fists would clench and tremble right before administering and I lost all confidence in injecting myself.

I've never had a problem with needles before. Sure, I'd get nervous, but I never had an actual panic attack, so I thought it was fine.

I'm very used to getting my blood drawn for lab testing and I prick my finger for blood sugar monitoring regularly. So why was I afraid this time? Why is it when the needle approached my skin, I felt like I was possessed by a spirit of panic.

It seems I can't look at needles entering the body.

But it didn't feel right. It didn't feel like this was the only cause. There was definitely something more. Something deeper. This kind of panic was not needle panic. There was a hidden layer of something else. Something deeper.

As I panicked, the only thought I had was, "I thought my mind was stronger than this". And it's true, I thought I'd done the work to not be so affected by a needle that was a fraction of the size of my Accu-Chek needle and an entire fucking syringe. Not to mention, the number of times I'd already experienced IV drips from dehydration, anaphylactic shock, and the time I got a heat stroke, where they'd not just inject you with a needle, but an entire plastic STRAW??

This was not just a needle issue.

Then it hit me, I felt cheated.

My endocrinologist said it was too high to just be a diet issue on its own. On top of that, I'm not morbidly obese. Yes, I'm over weight for my height, but I'm not currently a concerning size. So, the other major contributing factors were likely genes & stress.

I felt cheated for two reasons.

I worked so hard on managing stress. I'm doing work I enjoy and I get more than enough rest. I don't get sick, and my family is safe. But I feel like my anxiety betrayed me.

As for the genes, why is it that I got the main health issues of both sides of my parents' families? Triglycerides from my mom's side and diabetes from my dad's side.

For a while, I was so angry. Actually, even now, I still am, but not as angry as I first was. It felt like a death sentence because one of my main methods of coping with anxiety and depression was through food. And at this point, I feel like one of my joys were stolen from me just because the body my genes powered wasn't capable.

But I realized something... I really don't want to fucking lose. I don't want to be defeated by this. I'm so tired of blaming forces I have no control over. I'm tired of being a fucking victim or acting like it. I'm done with my own immature bullshit.

I want to transition into my new decade as someone who makes the most of what she can control. Things like my perception, how I react to situations, etc. And though I knew of this for a long time, I never took the proper time to apply it because I was so busy blaming other people for my shitty attitude growing up.

I'm just really fucking fed up, if I haven't already made that clear.

I have a lot of work ahead of me.

a lot.

But the important thing is that it's clear to me now.

My struggles are not a death sentence.

And honestly? I'd rather admit this was a nasty little glitch instead of acting like a bratty little bitch just because things don't go my way.

Circling back to my original thought, and because I like to speak to my past self as a way of coping with present challenges, the idea that kept repeating in my mind, "I thought my mind was stronger than this", is a complete and utter LIE.

My mind is strong. What had happened was simply a trauma response because I'm HUMAN. It's normal to be scared. My pain, my struggle, and my fear are all valid. I didn't have things easy, and I have just as much fault as my environment as to why I'm unpacking shit to this day. But that's not a weakness. Again, human being.

But dear Miel of Yesterday, look at this way, you bounced back in less than a week. Less than 24H after your 2H meltdown, you got a second insulin shot without fuss and you processed the source of your anxiety.

If that's not strong, then what the fuck is it then?

[31mmstudios]

Relapsing is not a sign of weakness. It happens to the best of us to dip after a period of wellness. It’s okay to isolate when this happens. It doesn’t make you an asshole to need space from EVERYONE.

[31mmstudios]

If all you did was get through today, you did a great job.

@mielabong

[31mmstudios]

It's not your fault there's no time to rest

While I'm a staunch advocate for discipline as part of maintaining good mental health, there is something I feel I need to say:

I know you're trying.

I recalled the time I was at my worst burnout. There were quite a few actually, but the worst ones made me physically sick. I was already pre-diabetic to begin with, then it elevated into Type 2 diabetes. I also developed allergies and began to experience really disruptive anxiety that a doctor once couldn't tell it apart from a heart attack and hooked me up to all these machines with a ton of I-dunno-what's IV'd into my arms.

To this day, the sound of consistent beeping that isn't from a microwave brings back tremors and cold sweating because it's so reminiscent of all the times I was in the ER. And this was all because I tried to work through my burnout instead of fixing it.

And because I survived it, sometimes I tend to over simplify my trauma to uplift myself when I feel powerless. So then I have this very energized way of talking about surviving burn out that I turn into a motivational speaker and somehow lose some sense of empathy. Am I making sense?

Anyway, I was disgusted at myself for becoming like that, so I went back to the drawing board to be reminded that when I was burnt out, I just wanted empathy. That's it. I didn't want advice, to be preached to, or a ticket to see some motivational speaker who'll kick my ass into my ideal future self.

I just wanted to know someone got me.

So, I wrote this post to tell you, the reader, something very important that I wish I was told in my darkest, most difficult moment of my burnout...

If you are burnt out right now, I want you to know that I see you trying. I want you to know that I see you stuck beyond your control in a job or school setting that is squeezing the life out of you.

I know you want out. I know you're trying you're best. But because times are shitty as they are, quitting has become a luxury. Sometimes your best manifests and seems like a very weak, not good enough effort. But that's not true.

Your best is going to be rough because you're hurt.

What should we expect when we're spent, worn out, and our tank is empty?

It would be so insensitive if anyone, including yourself, expected you to be at your record best at a time like this.

While it's true that our lives are in our hands, our hands can only carry so much. And right now, your hands must be full of the burden to survive a time run by dick bags who forget you're a human being*.

** HUMAN BEING (n.) - NOT A MACHINE OR ANIMAL

You were dealt some shitty cards. As far as I'm concerned, you're doing a great job of getting through this.

Survive the way you can and know how to.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that your best now deserves to be compared to your best when you were at your demi-god form and everything was going right in your life.

Your best varies depending on your situation.

A person who is filled to the brim with passion can endure anything, even if it meant cutting off their limbs. But look at this situation. We're two years into a pandemic and there are still people who act like there are no mental health consequences from this. You've been robbed of the chance to replenish your passion.

But you're still here.

That's something to be so fucking proud of.

You've survived 100% of your worst times before. You'll survive this too.

You are adaptable, resourceful, enduring, and you still manage to have space to worry about the people around you. You're flourishing even if you don't feel like you are.

What I just hope for you is that you remember you.

While it's a maze of traps to find time to rest in this situation, I hope you develop self-forgiveness. I hope you forgive yourself for not being as passionate and driven as you used to be, because it's not your fault you have so much less to work with now.

I also hope you remember this is temporary. All things are temporary. Please don't believe your anxious thoughts when they visit, because anxiety lies to you.

And though there's so much more I'd want to say, I think it's a good time to end on this note:

You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, and this situation is not for nothing. Trust that from your suffering comes a deeper sense of self.

To have become a deeper man is the privilege of those who have suffered. - Oscar Wilde

Remember: life doesn't get better, you do.

Be well,

Miel

[31mmstudios]

Reasons to consider forgiving yourself

Being critical of ourselves is normally considered admirable. It means, to many, that we hold ourselves accountable for whenever we fuck up. However, apart from accountability, it's important we also know when to forgive ourselves.

Why is important to forgive ourselves?

It deepens our empathy for those who have similar struggles.

It allows us to exercise careful judgement in whatever we do and teaches us to hold space for honest mistakes.

We are now giving ourselves room to make valuable mistakes. To us, valuable mistakes are those that we genuinely learn from and don't immediately mark as evil or a shortcoming.

Listen, mistakes are human. In fact, they're part of the learning process. And if we punish every single mistake, we're completely diminishing the learning opportunity that's in these mistakes. Not all mistakes are bad unless they're constantly repeated without learning from them. At that point, those mistakes are now decisions.

So, if you have trouble identifying what is forgivable in you, here are some to consider, based on personal experience:

You have the chance to forgive yourself for hating your past. Your past self was equipped with very limited knowledge and resources. You functioned with the conditioning you developed against your will. You carried the limiting beliefs that hurt people left with you. You literally only did what you knew. That was not your fault. Today, you know better. That's why you cringe about your past. But take a moment to really forgive your old self and even thank them for helping you survive and get here.

You can forgive yourself for being judgemental or bigoted. If today you're working towards growing in understanding how different we all are as people, forgive your bigotry from the past. You know better now, right? Bigotry is learned. You picked it up somewhere. You probably had racist, sexist, homophobic relatives around you, or lived in a community where people put themselves on a high horse. That was not your fault. What's important is you're undoing it now.

You're allowed to forgive yourself for not forgiving other people. You owe no one forgiveness. If it's taking you years to find it in you to forgive an abuser, please don't beat yourself up for not finding it in you to exercise any mercy. You were taken advantage of and it's not your fault. You don't have to be the bigger person. Not forgiving someone doesn't mean you'll go to hell or be on the receiving end of negative karma. While forgiveness is admirable, it's not a pre-requisite. Only forgive others if you can. Anyone who forces you is manipulating you. Forgive when you are ready.

Forgive yourself for carrying hurt around. Hey, you're not weak if you carry around pain longer than most people you know. Things are allowed to hurt if they do actually hurt. People who tell you to get over it are simply uncomfortable with your discomfort, but their 'advice' (if you can call it that) carries no real weight. Yes, you do have the responsibility to heal from your pain, but you're allowed to feel it too. It doesn't make you weak in any way. Feel that hurt so you can heal from it fully too.

Forgive yourself for 'wasting time', because no, you didn't waste time. Sometimes what holds us back from doing the things we want to do is fear. Forgive yourself for hesitating and being afraid too, please. Fear is not a fault and fear can be fixed. And the time you were afraid was the time you didn't know you had options yet. What's important is you're always on a path to fixing that fear. If you're not there yet, you will be. Trust that you are putting in the work and it will all pay off soon.

There are many more reasons to forgive yourself, but these? These took me some time on my own journey.

How about you? What do you need to forgive yourself for? What opportunities are there to exercise deepening your understanding of yourself?

Join our mental health discussion here on Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. You're safe with us.

And remember, even though life doesn't get better, you do.

Yours,

Miel

[31mmstudios]

“You are allowed as much space as you need to retrieve the generosity that was forced out of you.” @mielabong

You don’t need to share, forgive, or tolerate what you don’t want to. This is your sign it’s alright to say NO.

Boundaries has been one of my biggest personal struggles. Growing up, I was taught I HAD to share, forgive, listen, and shake it off. As a consequence, I ignored my own boundaries. So when I learned I was allowed to stick up for myself, I ended up feeling guilty for doing so. This post is your sign that it’s healthy to say no, to choose not to share, to decide if someone is worth forgiving or not. You are allowed to set your boundaries.