#sorry I almost killed ur son on ur birthday :

[fuwafuwamedb]

From Utu’s Temple Pt 4 (Gilgamesh, Siduri, Hakuno)

Thus far: 1, 2, 3

__

Was it a crime to kill one’s sister?

Maybe not kill, but maybe seriously injure so that her legs no longer carried her all the way to wherever in Ereshkigal’s own realm she’d gone.

Ur-Nungal bit his lip, looking around the temple carefully.

Gula was a pestilence, an absolute monster of a baby sister and there was no better evidence of this than right now. Today he was supposed to spend time with grandfather Utu, learning how the priests held the ceremonies that were coming up, and instead he was lying and roaming around the building like a complete idiot.

His mother had noted Gula was gone and had panicked as he’d gotten dressed.

He’d known that little fool was only going to be doing one thing: getting mom one of her favorite meals for here in the temple.

Ummum’s birthday was coming soon. It was normal for them to want to celebrate it, but they were not supposed to leave the temple. At all.

“I swear to the gods,” Ur breathed, making a show of looking under the pews as his mother passed by, “when I find you, Gula, I’m going to force you to do all my chores for a year. Cleaning the priests’ horses, carrying in the firewood, and I’m going to make you kill the chickens for meals.”

She’d cry like a baby.

Praise Aya.

His mother slipped out of the room, busying herself with helping a few of the temple maidens. Ur slipped around the front doors, grabbing his stashed cloak on the way out.

His sister was going to be beaten.

What kind of idiot went running around outside without telling anyone, anyway? There were laws, rules that they had. If their abum ever found them, they’d be killed because the man was a bastard.

“Sorry, ummum,” Ur murmured, practically sensing the ire his mother would hold for him thinking such a thing.

The bridge was just out of town. He knew it well enough.

The boats were off in the distance still, so that didn’t seem to be a problem. There were a few more people out and about as he meandered towards the waters, but he didn’t…

“Did you hear?”

Ur paused, shifting a little to have his face be seen.

“The king was seen here slaughtering enemies,” a merchant nearby murmured to some companions. “Ended up carrying a body towards the palace.”

“A body?”

“Yeah, I don’t know who it was, but it must have been a child. The figure was quite small. Couldn’t miss the king’s grin though. The person must have been important.”

The king had been near…

Ur moved closer to the bridge, noting the blood splatterings and the gathered crowd. There were soldiers gathered along the waters, checking for something in the water’s depths as a pile of sliced bodies were piled nearby.

But the guards didn’t make him pause, the bodies did.

That poor aim couldn’t be mistaken. Only someone as stupid as the person he was thinking of would slice in that kind of way. Who aimed for the face when the throat was available?

There were other wounds though, deeper, harsher wounds. Several of the bodies there were severed in places, with swords still poking out of them.

Ur slipped closer, glancing to the gossiping fools and the soldiers. He pulled one of the shorter swords out.

Utu hadn’t been kidding about how heavy these were.

He felt the thing almost clatter before he pressed it up against himself and looked around again.

A few people were turning his way, their brows furrowing and their mouths thinning. He could see one preparing to talk to him before the gossip turned back up.

Ur made a show of turning away from the scene by pulling his hood over his face a bit more and slipping back towards the kingdom, but the sword weighed more and more with each step he took. He could open those gates, but…

He bit his lip, glancing up towards the palace.

Ummum first.

Ur picked up the pace as he returned back to the temple, keeping the cloak around himself all the way to his chambers that he shared with his sister. The blood from the sword had smeared on his clothes, ruining them. The blade was so sharp that he’d actually managed to cut holes into the fabrics he had kept between the blade and his person.

There was even a cut on his leg.

“You’re doing my chores for two years,” Ur murmured, “and you’re going to begin every day by bringing me my meal.”

Gula would regret ever bothering to come out of their ummum when he was through with her. First she couldn’t do magic well. Then she ran off and did the gods only new what. Then she had the gall to disappear like this.

“Ur-Nungal! Gula!”

Ur cursed, slipping into one of his plainer robes and stashing the blade and bloodied garments under the bed. He hurried to the door, ignoring his slight leg pain from the cut and smiling brightly.

“Ummum!”

“Ur, where’s Gula?” His mother sighed softly, coming over to the door. “Why are you sweaty?”

“Ah- Gula and I have been playing a hide and seek game that requires you to not only find the person, but to catch them too,” he lied. “She’s too fast, ummum.”

Thank the gods he had his father’s talent for being a lying jerk. His mother laughed softly and knelt down, her brown eyes gleaming a little as she leaned in close enough to wipe at his face.

“Ummum-“

“Utu would like to teach you how to do the priest’s ceremony today. Did you forget about that?”

Oh no.

“Ur?”

“I ah… I think I left the outfit that grandfather gave me in the temple somewhere.” He smiled as best he could, “oops.”

“I saw it in your room last night-“

“Y-yeah, b-but then Gula wanted to see it and she made a hole in it so I had to ask one of the temple maidens to fix it and then I think I may have left it in the main hall.”

“Ur-“

“I’ll go look for it!”

“Find your sister and get some dinner as well! Aya wanted to eat with you while I help with some upstairs cleaning-“

“A-actually, Gula and I already ate!”

“What?”

Ur laughed a little. “Yeah, Gula and I went to eat earlier, but Gula will probably need a bath because you know… She’s not as good at table manners as I am.”

“There is that,” his mother agreed.

“Can you tell grandma Aya for me?”

His mother pressed her lips to his head, nodding. “You and Gula still need to take a bath-“

“We can do it! We’ll spend all tomorrow together! Let me draw our bath and everything!”

She didn’t even try to argue, since someone called for her. His ummum simply leaned in, pressing her lips to his forehead and giving him one of those warm ummum hugs of hers. Before long, she was already heading towards the stairwell to the upper floors of the temple.

And now, he could manage this.

Ur closed their bedroom door, sighing as he put the bolt in place.

His sister was in so much trouble.

Ur pulled the sword back out, focusing hard to open those strange gates and shoving the sword into them. He looked around, grabbing his robes and grumbling as he slipped out the window.

The streets were still busy, still bustling. Despite having his cloak, now there was a slash and he had blood stains on his dark cloak. He could see the palace in the distance, but getting there was another task altogether.

Alleys were only so much help. It was still dark outside when he made it to the stairs.

Stairs that had no guards.

Ur frowned, looking around and hurrying up to the next level of the ziggurat.

There he could see figures. There were some soldiers higher up that were standing around. Going that way wouldn’t work.

He opted for a servant entrance.

Ur pulled his hood down, looking around at the hallway he’d found.

The torches were dying here, like someone had been here and had left a while ago. He could see a few servants pass, but he pulled his hood over his hair again and pressed to the wall.

No one noticed him.

How did this king survive with such poor guards?

What a bastard.

“Sorry, ummum,” Ur whispered once again.

He would have to make his ummum something really nice in return for all the lies and for covering up Gula’s little trip. If she was here, he’d find her and get her home.

“OH!”

Ur felt his body slam into someone as he turned the corner, knocking him from his feet. His hood fell back, his eyes drifted up to the woman who’d stepped into view.

“You- You must be-“

He didn’t even hesitate, sprinting around the woman and running in the direction she’d come from. He didn’t pause, ignoring the cloak that left him as she grabbed it. He had to run, had to hide so that he could find his sister.

“BOY!”

No, he wouldn’t listen to the woman.

The palace was filled with bad people. All of them mocked the gods and ignored all nice things, opting for being behind their terrible king.

He heard armor clanking. He ran away from that.

Higher and higher into the place he went, climbing the stairs and not daring to look back.

A set of golden doors were ahead.

That’s where he’d go.

He could hide behind something or slip around the guards when they entered the room and slam something before the doors to block them from leaving.

Yanking the door with a foot against the other, Ur rushed into the room and slammed the door shut.

There was a pounding in his ears.

There was a pounding in his chest as well, but he couldn’t focus on that. He could taste something metal in his mouth, he could feel himself covered in more sweat. He’d be sneaking him and Gula some food when they got home, but-

“What is this?”

The voice was too soft, too pleased. There was a coldness coming to his veins as Ur turned around slowly, noting the blond man sitting up in the bed. His own face, a bit older bit his face no less, was looking back at him.

“To think you’d come-“

Ur closed his eyes, forcing those strange gates from before open.

He pulled the sword out from before, glaring at the king before him.

“Where is my sister?” Ur hissed.

“Hmm?”

“Where. Is. My. Sister?”

A figure shifted in the bed, the brown hair in the dim torchlight unmistakable now.

Finally!

“You are my son, are you not?” The king rose from the sheets, standing up on tall legs to a towering height. Those red eyes gleamed, glowing as he looked over at him. He was all fine fabrics and glimmering gold.

“No, I’m not.”

“Oh?”

“I don’t have an abum. I don’t need one!”

“You lie so poorly,” the blond monster teased, that smile flashing as the king stepped forward. His body seemed to jingle as he moved. “You must get that from Hakuno. She’s always been so bad at lying. She never could keep a secret, especially from me.”

“Give me my sister and leave us alone,” Ur growled.

“Put the sword down before you hurt yourself, child. Your hands cannot even hold that thing.”

“I’m highly trained!”

“Liar.”

A series of gates opened. The lights went out.

Ur barely had the chance to react before he felt something slam him up against the wall. His sword was knocked from his hands, clattering away into the depths of the darkness.

He couldn’t breathe!

“You lie so poorly,” the king’s voice murmured. “It seems your ummum was soft with-“

The words were stopped with his head slamming forward, banging into the king’s ugly face. At his surprised yelp, Ur sprung forth, running for the door nearby.

His eyes landed on a garden, the sound of footsteps hurrying after him.

Once the man made it out here, he’d-

Something smacked the back of his head, sending him stumbling to greet the dirt. A figure nearby gasped.

“Siduri, what are you doing here?”

“I called the soldiers to search the palace with me for a young blond boy that was running around,” the woman from before replied.

“It seems my son was eager to join his sister in being here.”

He couldn’t move. His head hurt. His leg was aching.

“My king, his leg-“

“Fetch one of the apsu. I do believe the boy pulled one of my poisoned weapons from the gates just now in an attempt to kill me.”

“Should I-“

“He will be a good boy.” The words echoed around him, the sight of the man’s smile looming nearby as he felt his consciousness fading. “After all, he is the prince of this kingdom.”

[tranquil-space-ninja]

The Story (Sanders' Sides Human AU)

Ft. Platonic Moxiety, trans Roman, Imaginality (Remus x Patton), and Emciet (Janus x Emile)

Tw: suicide, homophobia, implied abuse, transphobia, f*g said, tra**y said, bullying, anorexia

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Patton stared at his phone. He had a shift at the office in a few minutes, but he couldn't..... He didn't quite know what he couldn't do today, but he couldn't do it. He called in sick. Emile was very understanding. "Take as long as you need, Pat," he said. "Your mental health comes first."

"Thanks, Dr. Picani." He hung up and continued to stare at the message on his phone.

Unknown Number

Got ur number from Jan. How u doing?

It was him. After all these years, it was really him. And, paired with the fact that it was only a week till his brother's birthday.... The last two years of high school came rushing back.

Patton's phone chimed.

Ro's birthday is coming up.

Like Patton didn't compulsively write down the date in his calender every year. June 4. They would have been twenty-six.

I'm moving to ur area 4 work. I finally caught up 2 u.

Patton stared at his phone without really seeing the messages. Tears started to bluer his vision. He wiped them away, only for them to return with a vengeance. Finally, Patton just let himself sob, hoping to get everything out by the time Virgil got home.

***

Virgil waved to his friends as he walked to his front door. His dad's car was in the driveway, which was a surprise. Normally, he wouldn't be back until dinner. He slowly opened the door. "Dad," he asked. Patton gave Virgil a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Hey, kiddo! How was school?"

"Okay. How are you doing? Are you sick?"

"No, no, I'm fine. Just taking a mental health day. Sit down! I made popcorn. We can watch Black Cauldron."

Virgil sighed and sat down, leaning on Patton. Patton put part of his blanket around the teen and pulled him closer. He loved his son more than anything. He would not let Virgil go through the same things he did.

***

Just as Virgil was about to go to sleep, someone knocked on his door. "Come in," he called. Patton opened the door and gave him another fake smile. He sat down on the chair beside Virgil's desk.

"Can I tell you a story," Patton asked.

"I'm a little old for bedtime stories."

"Please? It's kinda boring, but.... I'll be quick. Please?" Virgil stared at his dad. He hated the desperate look in hs eyes. It was getting closer to June, which meant he'd grow quiet and a bit withdrawn. Maybe this was to preemptively make up for it?

"Sure." Virgil laid down and looked up at Patton.

"Thanks, Virge," he said with a slightly more real, relieved smile. "Let me tell you a story about six boys growing up in Florida."

***

Logan Crofters, Roman and Remus Ryan, Janus Pine, Emile Picani, and Patton Hart. They had been best friends since kindergarten. They were all inseparable. Things got worse in middle school when Roman came out as trans. His parents refused to let him transition or cut his hair, and the other kids were less than supportive. Remus let him wear his clothes, though, and his friends all defended him when they could. And they all survived until high school.

Fast foreward to sophmore year. Logan was on the fast track to becoming valedictorian. The other kids, in addition to whispering, "Fag," and, "Tranny," at them all in the halls, taunted Logan for his intelligence. Remus and Janus got into fights often to protect the others. Patton and Emile tried to keep the group's moral up. Logan and Roman always took it all harder than the others, but they had one teacher, Mr. Sanders, who let them eat lunch in his classroom and used Roman's proper pronouns. He even congratulated Patton and Remus when they started dating. He'd always pair up Janus and Emile for group projects, just to watch them flirt.

Patton, Roman, and Remus's parents passed around a petition to get him fired the next year. It was successful. That was the year everything fell apart.

Roman and Logan couldn't handle the pressure that came with the grades and the bullying. They always said they were fine, but....

One day, Logan quit his job at the library. Said it just wasn't worth it anymore. Roman stopped eating and always brushed his friends off when they begged him to try.

They died the same night. June 4, Roman's birthday. Roman overdosed on antidepressants. Janus, Remus, Emile, and Patton read his note over and over again.

Dear Friends,

I want to start by saying this isn't your fault. Remus, you were the most amazing, supportive brother anyone could ask for. Patton, Janus, Emile, Logan, you are all wonderful and perfect, and you all deserve the world. But.... I can't do this anymore. I can't live in this body one more day or hear someone call me Rachel one more time. I just can't do it. I love you all so much. Please don't dwell on this for too long. I want you all to be happy, okay?

Mom, Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't be everything you wanted me to be. I wish I could have been as good a son as Remus was. I wish you could have loved me as much as he did.

And, Mr. Sanders, if you ever see this.... Thank you. For everything.

Adeiu, best of friends and best of men,

Roman

Logan hung himself. He didn't leave a note. His parents at least gave him a funeral. Roman's parents didn't care enough to even do that.

Luckily, Remus, Janus, Emile, and Patton had saved enough from their various jobs to have him cremated. Emile's parents insisted on helping out, which helped a lot.

The group burried Roman's urn just outside the cemetery where Logan rested. Luckily, his grave was at the edge of the gate so Roman's could be near his. Remus painted a large rock to use as a marker. They all stood by the small grave, Janus holding Emile and Patton and Remus squeezing each other's hands, until the sun rose.

Patton stayed with Remus after Janus and Emile left.

"I can't stay here anymore," Remus had whispered. "I can't stay with the people who killed my brother."

"I know," Patton whispered. "I hate our parents." He brushed back his bangs to show Remus a black eye and a bruised cheek. "If we save enough, we'll run away together," he promised. "We'll get Janus and Emile, and we'll all go to Massachusetts, and we'll get married." Remus nodded.

"I like that." He gently pulled Patton close, and they shared a long, sweet kiss.

Things didn't work out. Senior year was worse. Janus, Emile, Patton, and Remus were the gays who were friends with the two who killed themselves, and that's all anyone ever treated them as. Janus's parents took him and moved to Delaware. He and Emile stayed in touch for a few months before the lost contact. Janus and Patton still talked occasionally, though, even after high school. Emile, Patton, and Remus stuck together, but things would never be the same.

When senior year ended, Patton and Emile prepared to move to Massachusetts, but Remus wouldn't go.

"Please," Patton begged. "We found a cute apartment in Salem. We can start over. We can get jobs while Emile is at school. We can build our own lives. Please come with us." Remus shook his head.

"I can't," he said. "It's only been a year since they died. I just can't leave them yet." Patton hugged him tightly.

"Keep in touch," he asked. Remus nodded and pressed a kiss to his lips.

Over the next few years, Patton kept in touch with Remus. Every year, he said he would finally move in with him, and every year, he had an excuse not to. Eventually, they stopped talking as much, and when Patton changed his number, he forgot to tell Remus.

***

"He and Emile stayed together, though," Patton finished. "Patton became Emile's receptionist when he started practicing independently."

"What about Janus and Remus," Virgil asked.

"Janus is still in Delaware, and I guess Remus is with him." Virgil nodded. He wasn't an idiot. He knew Patton had just told him his life story. He just wasn't going to press any further than that. Maybe someday, Patton would tell him more, but it was almost the day his friends killed themselves. Patton needed time.

***

The next day, Patton went back to work. Larry and Dot were happy to see him. When their appointment was almost over, another patient entered the waiting room and walked up to Patton's desk. "Hey," he said, head tilted down. His voice was low and familiar.

"Hi! Do you have an appointment?"

"N-no. I just moved here and was hoping I could set one up."

"Okay.... Dr. Picani is with a patient right now, but-- Remus?" Remus was staring at Patton, a sad frown accepting his dull eyes. "L-like I was saying, Emile--"

"Why didn't you answer my texts?" Patton began to fiddle with a pen. "You could have just said you didn't want to see me. I get it. I probably remind you of Ro and Logan, and that's fine. I failed you and I put off moving even though I said I would, and I understand that you're mad, and it's okay. But--"

"I wanted to see you." Remus stared at Patton, who stared right back.

"What?"

"I wanted to see you, but I couldn't say it. It's just so close to Roman's birthday, and I didn't know what to do or what to tell my son--"

"You have a son?" Patton nodded, tears in his eyes.

"I adopted him five years ago. His name is Virgil. He's funny, he's dark, and strange and sarcastic, and I love him more than anything."

"Boyfriend or husband?"

"Single dad and rockin' it." Remus laughed despite the tears that were escaping his eyes. Patton laughed with him, also crying. "I'm sorry. For everything," he sobbed. Remus took his hand.

"Me too." And that's how Larry and Dot found them five minutes later.

Holding hands and crying, together again.

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[kinktae]

hi babe !!! i’m starting on my journey through the whole bitchin’ series today !!! and i just wanted to say that it really reminds me of that 70’s show (even if i know urs is set in the 80’s lmao) !!! and i want to congratulate u on the job well done !!!

All the bitchin’ asks I didn’t get to answer in time uwu. Spoilers ahead:

prince-jjk said: just read your beyond the story for bitchin’ and i literally cried twice 🥺 especially in the 10yrs later when, for the wedding gift, jk gives y/n the contract they wrote all the way back when they barely knew eachother, that part just made me be like skfkskckskfkd on the inside, that was adorable.

Anonymous said: bitchin is so soft 🥺 it was love at first chapter for me, i loved watching y/n and jk grow throughout the story both together and on their own and i love all the soft lil moments and reading every chapter warmed my heart so damn much 🥺 thank you 💕

Anonymous said: okay so i finally read bitchin’ all in one day and 🥺🥺🥺🥺 they are both idiots i love them sm,, thank u for writing such an incredible story!!💕💗💕💘💗

Anonymous said: MISS ROSE?!?!?!?! BITCHIN' IS BACK AND WITH YOUR BEHIND THE SCENES COMMENTARY?!?! I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE EXCITED MA'AM!! AND WELCOME BACK QUEEN WE'VE MISSED YOU AND THESE LOVABLE DORKS!!!!💛💓💙💕💜💖💚💞❤💘💗

Anonymous said: I LOVED WHAT YOU POSTED FOR BITCHIN OMGGG i actually LOVE seeing behind the scenes of writing so i really enjoyed reading about the details of bitchin. nOT TO MENTION HOW CUTE THE EPILOGUE WAS PLEASE I DONT THINK ILL EVER GET OVER THEM but overall i really liked it and thank you so so so so so so so much for this

Anonymous said: i swear Yara and Taehyung do be the cutest couple :(

beifong-bitch said: So im new around here and just started reading bitchin and oh god- I KEEP IMAGINING TAES VOICE SOUNDING LIKE THAT ONE SURFER DUDE FROM TOTAL DRAMA.

Anonymous said: beyond the story: bitchin’ got me so emotional like??? i think i can’t live without them:( thank you for this beautiful story�� you’re so talented

sapphireprinces5 said: can I just say that the fact you called it Behind The Story as BTS is so genius and the best chef’s kiss of the century. reading this made me tear up like I miss the two so much and to see them happy forever was just 🤧 it was so cool to see how the stories developed and your thoughts as you wrote them. thank you for giving this to us - probably one of the best gifts i’ve ever received as a reader. amazing, you’re amazing

mochiieberry said: JUST READ THE UPDATE FOR BITCHIN AND FINALLY I CAN START MY DAY(ignore the fact it’s 3 am :) ). But honestly after reading BITCHIN I questioned what happened afterwards and thank you for writing the behind the scenes and giving us 10 year update!!

ggukcangetit said: oh my gosh i was missing bitchin' and you posted the most incredible companion piece. also love how its called beyond the story (BTS) so sneaky rose (¬‿¬) you really spoilt us with the connect i am sad and happy so thanks for that. lastly, just wanna appreciate how much effort, hard work, and care you devote to your stories, characters, and readers. since you are a LOT younger than me imma go ahead and say this- uWu rose is the best liddol bean in the world. okay bye.

Anonymous said: I just wanted to say thank you for the extra bitchin' content! It's one of my favorite fics ever (mainly bc I am a woman in stem who takes shit from no man and I hardcore identify with yn) and to see how much you love the fic and genuinely get excited about the little details you slip in to make it more enjoyable for you to write just makes my heart !!! bc i love nothing more than hearing writers talk about their works with pride. love you lots and thank you for always putting out great content!

Anonymous said: Yara refusing to put a label on her relationship after 10 years sends me. For one thing, as an independent woman who is terrified of commitment, I can 100% relate lol. The titles she gives him instead killed me as well. Her outrage at the crustaceans was also so something I’d do. Like “no ma’am my best friend ain’t sign up for this and as far as I’m concerned she’s gonna get exactly what she wants”. Yara is my spirit animal.

Anonymous said: I have a lot of questions. #1- How dare you? Bitch I am sobbing. I love those Bitchin fools and I ain’t ever gonna stop loving them!

lee-u-ne12 said: I may have giggled one too many times during my "beyond the story: bitchin'" reading. Dammit it's just so cute! I found it charming how instead of just giving us an update on the characters you included some commentery on each chapter! Ngl i was rlly sad earlier but this made me smile :)

Anonymous said: I definitely noticed the sock thing and thought it was stupidly cute (like this entire fic tbh) and djjdjdjdjjd I wish I had commented on it when I first read it! I loved the behind the stuff and loved all the reasoning as to why you didn't want y/n to be a 'popular guy gave me confidence' type of character 👏 honestly loved it all thank you!!!!

Anonymous said: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WRITING BITCHIN’!! ITS A WORK OF ART AND SO AMAZING QND I LOVE U SO MUCH MISS ROSE 😭😭😭💕💓💖💕💗💞❣️💖💝

Anonymous said: AHAHJAJAJAJJA THIS MADE ME SOOOOO HAPPY AND I HAVEN’T FELT THIS HAPPY AND SAPPY IN SUCJ A LONG TIMEEE!! i absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE READING THE BACKSTORY AND BEHIND THE SCENES OF WRITING THIS FIC AND THE 10 YEARS LATER AND WEDDING MADE ME SO FUCKING HAPPY AHAHAHJAHA I ALSO LOVE TAE AND YARA SO MUCH AND I LOVE THAT THEYRE SO HAPPY BRO AND LIKE THEY DIDN’T NEED A LABEL LIKE yES PERIODT!UGHUGHYGHI I LOVE YOU SO MCUH MISS ROSE AJHSJS I HAVE SO MUCG LOVE FOR YOUU 😭😭😭💖💓💕

Anonymous said: ROSE YOU SON OF A BITCH I LOVE YOU

cheeky-kookie said: ROSE, I am so happy this is the best birthday present wowza ily thank you bitchin' update I cry

Anonymous said: oh my gosh yara and tae are gonna get married someday and she's still gonna be like what? husband? you meaN my matChing riGg wEareR.

Anonymous said: Just wanted to let you know, I just read BITCHIN' AND IT'S THE BEST STORY I'VE READ IN A WHILE AND NOW ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITES. I would totally read it again in the future . Thank you for writing it and sharing it with us and you're awesome!

Anonymous said: Bitchin' was amazing. I cried. Thank you for writing it 🖤

Anonymous said: I think I've read bitchin like 3 times now but in never fails to put a smile on my face. The 80s slang kills me every time. Just wanted to say it's one of my favourite fics I've ever read :)

Anonymous said: i just finished bitchin’ AND IT WAS SO GOOD i cried at the end when it came full circle about the paper 😭❤️

Anonymous said: Hi I just binge read bitchin I’ve always ran into it but I hesitate Bc I knew it wasn’t completed I’m the worst but,,, ow. Ow. My heart physically melted you developed two characters so well and there’s no way I’m not going to reread again and again because of how good and genuine their relationship was. Uhh that’s it sorry I just wanted to let you know I’ll need money Bc my heart is unfunctional because of how full it is

Anonymous said: i just wanted to tell you that you made me feel so 🥺🥺🥺🥺!!!! with bitchin', that it is one of my favorite stories ever and that it's just so amazing and well written i just- don't stop doing what you're doing please !!!!!

Anonymous said: hi sorry this is random but im a huge fan of your work! i havent checked in with tumblr too much lately but last night i binge read camellia, groovy, and bitchin and oh my goodness i was so enthralled !! you have such a wonderful ability to engage readers with such relatable and dynamic characters! like wowowow i cant wait to read more of your writing! thanks so much for putting in the time and effort you do to create your work, its great and im glad you get to share it with the world! 🌟

Anonymous said: hi so i may or may not have read all of bitchin in one night BUT I LOVED IT AND IM AMAZED BY YOU 🥺♥️

Anonymous said: hiii! bitchin’ has been the best thing i have ever read and im so sad that its over, but im so happy you wrote it! u are an incredible writer❤️❤️❤️

emdancing said: Hi! I’d just like to say I binged bitchin and i absolutely loved it! It just might be my favorite koo fic 💕 your writing is awesome and so are you!!

Anonymous said: i binge read bitchin this weekend and i don’t even like fanfics but kept seeing it get recommended so decided to check it out and i loved it 😭 jungkook in that fic is so perfect and cute (except for his mess up with kiri) and that note at the end got me emotional 🥺 your story and writing was too too good, i skipped all the smut but still loved it 💗 thank you for sharing one of the most heartwarming and lovely stories i have ever read! 🤧

lowlifeoeuvre said: Hi i just read bitchin and i only have one thing to say about it... A WHOLE MASTERPIECE MAN!! literally almost cried and actually made a very inhuman happy noise at the end. I will for sure be reading anything else you write or have written.

babeewiththepowerr said: I just finished reading Bitchin and now I’m crying 😢 it was soooo pretty and well written 💜

[cupidmarwani-archive]

Big News

Summary: Sarah and Ava have big news for the groupchat.

WC: ~1.5k

[Other Bekker renamed the chat “HOUSE PARTY”]

Other Bekker: it’s official

Other Bekker: i own a house

Other Bekker: with my WIFE!!!!!!

Bekker: We’re throwing a housewarming party and everyone’s invited!

Dr. Lanik: What’s the dress code

Other Bekker: casual if you wear a suit ill kill you

Ethan Choi: When? 

Bekker: We were thinking it would start at around six or seven? It would mean a lot to us if Crockett could make it.

FreeWilly: Will there be alcohol?

Other Bekker: some of us are sober. No

no-ah: I’m in

Maggie<3: Wait who’s sober other than Crockett?

Dr. Lanik: Me

Other Bekker: me

connor: @OtherBekker there was an open bar at your wedding

Bekker: Circumstances change

Ethan Choi: This is such a fun conversation. Let’s not have it.

April: So back to the party… details!

Other Bekker: ill send the address in a bit but its gonna be potluck style. Everybody brings food. itll be pretty casual so dont be that asshole (@Dr.Lanik). starting at six ish and ending at maybe 10 or 11 depending on how tired we all are

Ethan Choi: Crockett’s program usually ends at like 5:30 so we might be a little late?

Other Bekker: ok sounds good. how is he btw

Ethan Choi: Pretty well. He’s outpatient for another few weeks and then his doctors are going to discuss long term options. Hopefully he’ll be back at work soon, too

April: Tell him we’re proud of him?

Ethan Choi: As soon as I pick him up tonight.

-

Sarah: are we telling them tonight?

Wifey: I was thinking so, yes. I mean, we have our house, and the paperwork went through.

Sarah: im so excited

Wifey: Me too, honey

-

Nat: Not to alarm anybody but whoever’s in charge of Connor right now, come to treatment 4

FreeWilly: love the implication that we take turns babysitting him

Dr. Lanik: We kind of do. I think it’s Maggie’s turn.

Maggie<3: I’m not at work. Who’s next in line?

April: @QueenElsa

Queen Elsa: Fine

connor: im a big boy i can take care of myself

Nat: You literally have a concussion

Ethan Choi: Why?

Nat: He fainted after a surgery. His sugar is low on the finger prick and he said he hasn’t had any water since his shift started

Dr. Lanik: @connor We’ve talked about this

connor: ok boomer

Dr. Lanik: @connor Stop calling me a boomer! We’re the same age!

connor: ok

connor: boomer

Bekker: Can you grow up @connor

connor: no

Queen Elsa: Update for everyone, Connor is getting a CT. He’s eating a Snickers bar right now and we’re pushing fluids

FreeWilly: youre not you when youre hungry

Dr. Lanik: @Bekker @OtherBekker What day will your housewarming party be? My daughter’s birthday is Friday.

Maggie<3: IM SORRY YOUR WHAT

Other Bekker: ?????

Bekker: We were thinking Saturday.

April: @FreeWilly Did you know about this???????

FreeWilly: uh yeah?

no-ah: Why did none of us know you had a daughter?

Dr. Lanik: I just don’t see how it’s any of your business.

Nat: How old is she? Who’s her mother? What school does she go to? How did we go this long without knowing?

[Dr. Lanik has sent an image to the chat]

Dr. Lanik: This is Emma, she’s almost eleven, and this is the most information any of you will ever be getting about her.

Ethan Choi: Well this has been a wild ride

Other Bekker: now taking bets on how crockett will react. $10 says he thinks its a joke

no-ah: Coward. He knows everything. $20 says he already knew.

Other Bekker: youre on

Queen Elsa: ...Anyways, Connor’s CT came back alright. It’s a minor concussion; he’ll be fine soon. 

Maggie<3: That’s good

Dr. Lanik: @FreeWilly and I will look after him.

Ethan Choi: Just picked up Crockett, he says hi. He also has letters for each of you as part of his process

Nat: That’s sweet

Ethan Choi: I have been assured none of them contain nudes

Other Bekker: thank g-d

Ethan Choi: I’ll be giving them to you all at work.

Ethan Choi: Crockett will be cooking something I won’t even try to pronounce for the housewarming party

Other Bekker: his cooking is all so good...

no-ah: It slaps

Queen Elsa: Is it that pasta thing??? With the crawfish????

Ethan Choi: Honestly, I don’t know.

Nat: Owen and I are bringing cookies.

Bekker: Important question, @Dr.Lanik… will Emma be coming?

Dr. Lanik: No. I don’t want her near any of you.

connor: hes got a point

Maggie<3: Have you never, in your life, had to bring her to a doctor?

Dr. Lanik: We use East Mercy so that you all keep your noses out of my life.

FreeWilly: ouch

April: I mean, if I had a daughter, I wouldn’t want any of you near her either.

Nat: Harsh, I trust you with my son

April: You’re different.

Bekker: Do I hear wedding bells?

Nat: @April What if we kissed in the doctor’s lounge… and we’re both girls?

Nat: Haha just kidding

Nat: Unless…?

April: Did you just hit on me with a meme

Nat: Did it work?

Other Bekker: another win for the gaydies

Other Bekker: THEY BOTH JUST WENT INTO THE DOCTORS LOUNGE JHGFKHFRH

Ethan Choi: Crockett laughed 

connor: do you read these messages to him?

Ethan Choi: Sometimes. He likes to be in the loop.

FreeWilly: hot take but. we could just add him back to the chat?

Ethan Choi: He’s not ready for that yet, but he does like to be updated on your lives and one-on-one texting is stressful for him

Other Bekker: we spend more time talking about crockett now than we did when he was in the chat

no-ah: Sweet I have my Crockett letter

Ethan Choi: I'll put them in your lockers. My shift is starting so I'm turning my phone to silent. 

Other Bekker: Crockett Time

Bekker: Did he write me one?

Other Bekker: @Bekker both mine and yours are in my locker i think. one is for "blonde bekker" and one is for "brunette bekker"

no-ah: That's what he has your contacts saved as 

Queen Elsa: Mine is just a smiley face sticker in an envelope?

Other Bekker: jsyk we should probably keep these private! this is important to him

Maggie<3: I'm so excited to see him again on Saturday, I've missed him.

FreeWilly: He's been busy. I think his program is like eight to five every day but Sunday

Nat: What's that even like?

Other Bekker: they have an in house aa group that meets a few times a day and theres a ton of other support like therapy to get to the root of the problem. i mean before he got sober the first time he was self medicating 

Other Bekker: he does a lot of art therapy i think. when he was inpatient he kept mailing paintings to my wife and i 

-

Curry (Not Dr.): Hey, it's Elsa Curry from Med. Sarah gave me your number. I was just wondering why you gave me a sticker?

Crockett: dont u put them on the inside of your binder? the one u put ur case notes in at the end of ur shift 

Curry (Not Dr.): How did you know that?

Crockett: u pull ur binder out when ur stressed to reference old cases. i thot u might like another sticker so u know ur not in this alone

Crockett: :)

-

[crickett has renamed the chat "dick bros"]

crickett: @connor do u wanna fuck again this weekend lmao

connor: ???

connor: i thought that was a one time thing

Ethan Choi: It doesn't have to be. 

-

Maggie<3: @Bekker @OtherBekker Sorry I'm running a little behind! I couldn't find my keys

Bekker: No harm, no foul!

[Bekker has sent an image to the chat]

Bekker: Definitely hurry, we're having so much fun!

-

Crockett: baby

HUBBY: I'm sitting right beside you.

Crockett: ik but im feeling kinda overwhelmed 

HUBBY: Do you want to go home?

Crockett: i think i just need air will you cover for me if someone comes looking

-

Other Bekker: THANK YOU @Maggie<3 FOR ACTUALLY HELPING CLEAN UP 

FreeWilly: sorry!

connor: sorry ahhhhhh i didnt think about it 

Nat: Congrats again, you two, this is huge!

April: ^^

no-ah: Will we get to meet her, or will she be a secret like Laniks daughter?

Bekker: You'll all definitely get to meet her, but let's not do so much at once? Adjusting to a new home is hard, and from what the adoption agency tells us, she's had a rough go of it.

no-ah: Of course! 

Queen Elsa: No little girl could have a better home! Congratulations on your daughter and I wish you really good luck. If you ever need help, we're all here!

Dr. Lanik: She's about eight, right?

Bekker: Yes

Dr. Lanik: If she needs help adjusting, let me know, and maybe Emma and I can help. She was about that age when I adopted her.

connor: the Lanik lore we are getting today omg

Dr. Lanik: You'll both be great parents, and @OtherBekker don't hesitate to let me know if you need extra time off. This is a big deal and you shouldn't have to stress about work when you should be worrying about your family. @Bekker I'll also ask Dr. Latham to be lenient with you as well.

Other Bekker: thank you from both of us <3

connor: who knew lanik had a heart. 

[louu-7]

everything  don’t know

on wattpad

CHAPTER 9:

I jump as my heart skips a beat before I look at Alyssa, shocked that she scared the hell out of me this way. “Girl... you freaked me out…”

“What the hell are you doing he-” Her face falls down when a though seems to cross her mind, her hand catch mine and she draws me towards my room before almost shutting the door with anger. I look at her, speechless, as her eyes are starring at me with rage. “What did I do? I just wanted to drink water, it’s the fourth time I wake up because of Dad’s footstep.”

“Why were you sitting on the stairs? Thara you can’t keep tabs on Dad, even less in the middle of the night.”

“I wasn’t listening, look at my face, I’m tired and I look like a damn zombie, and why would I listen to him, I don’t care of his little business, he does whatever he wants I don’t give a damn.” Her eyes don’t get off of me until I reopen my door to show her the exit.

I just wanna sleep, and yes I wanted to listen to these guys but obviously I can’t. And Alyssa’s gonna have me in her sight if I try again to listen to their conversation. “Well. Sweet dreams.”

“Maybe more sweet nightmares, let’s not forget that strangers are I in our house. But good night...”

~

I’m pacing up and down since half an hour, my legs are making the moves by themselves and I don’t need to think about walking because it became automatic. My brain is flat out, I can’t stop thinking about everything strange that’s happening lately, in other words, a lot of strange things.

My father’s and these men, the family meeting in the forbidden office and this stuff about rejecting me out of the business, I don’t know, it’s weird.

I have to talk about it to the group, even if they don’t believe me about the gold, which is completely intelligible because I don’t believe in it myself. My eyes are starring at my phone for a few minutes before I can’t stop my hand to take it and call Sarah. She’s certainly with the crew, we’re in the middle of the afternoon. “Heyy what’s up babe?”

“I have to talk to you all about something, are you with the crew right now?” I continue to walk in my room, agitated. “Yeah we’re all together. Something’s wrong?”

“Kind of. Let me go outside so nobody will hear me, I feel like they all have eyes on me lately, that’s fucking stressing me.”

“Thara is it serious like... I never felt you that tensed…”

“Gimme a sec.” I go downstairs to join the garden and be as far away as possible of the house. If they know that I suspect something I can say goodbye to my phone, computer and everything that can help me to communicate with the outside world. “OK, so, I surprised my whole family having a conversation in my Dad’s office last night, without me, and-”

“Are you calling because you think you’re neglected or because you really found something interesting to say?” JJ takes part in the discussion and I smile bitterly by hearing his remarks. “Just shut up and let me talk, it could be kind, thank you. So I was saying, they were together and, they talked about somethin weird, I heard a lot a whole stuff around some gold, and I know it’s crazy I didn’t understand any-”

“Wait what? Gold?” Sarah’s voice kind of shout out through the phone, making me wincing. “Yeah, gold. I know that’s not possible but-”

“At least we’re OK, that’s not possible, so why are you calling, really?” JJ’s cold tone got me gritting my teeth as the others make him stop. “Two men came in the middle of the night to talk with my Dad, I don’t think every parents are having little coffee with strangers while their family’s sleeping.”

A long silence follows my speaking and I can hear them letting out some sighs and, I also can feel them disturbed, kind of concerned. “OK and, what d’ya think ‘bout all this?” John B’s calm voice is making me raise my shoulders even if they can’t see it.

We all seem to start thinking about this weird stuff. I know there’s way weirdest things in life, but, they’re all strange lately in this house, and I don’t know if I can feel secure and in an honest family.

“Sooo, what do you wanna do?” I slightly sigh and whisper a little ‘I don’t know’, because I really have no idea of what should I do. Either I ask my parents, so they answer me, and I take the risk to only have lies as answer, or I look for answers by myself, and maybe with the crew’s help.

We talk about it for a little bit of time, more than I expected, and they kind of encourage me to make my own inquiries and find answers by myself. They’re even ready to help me, for the majority of them…

The call comes to an end and I come back inside of the house. They all seem to be gone, and it’s better this way, I don’t even know if I can trust them anymore, Alyssa’s behavior was so bizarre last night. Even if she helped me on the afternoon. I don’t understand her…

An open door in the corridor at my right catch my eye, and I frown. “What the…” I whisper in a sigh. One time is possible, not two times in less than a month. This door is never ever opened, and now it’s always opened. “It’s a fucking bad joke…”

“What did you said Miss?” Lucy asks from the kitchen. “Nothing, don’t pay attention to me, Lucy.” Because of her I have to be careful, but I can’t see this door totally opened and miss my chance.

I walk to the room, get in and close the door with kindness to look at everything around me. There’s this whole bunch of shelves, with so many old books, documents that comes from another century and… a lot of… I don’t know, it’s like my Dad’s looking for something.

To be honest, it feels like he’s completely crazy about this… thing that he’s looking for. The ‘gold’ maybe… I don’t know what to think anymore. My phone’s ringing in my back pocket makes me jump of surprise as I hang up the call. Sorry, Sarah…

‘girl why did you hang up on meee??’

‘sorry babe i’m in my dads office right now...’

‘omg, find sth?’

‘maps, documents, books and… i just notice sth, the name of my great great great great great grandfather’s a lot on the papers… idk why, weird…’

‘take pics and get out of here, ur in shit girl i’m stressing for uuuur lil ass’

She’s not wrong, I can take pictures of everything and observe it later. My heart is ready to stop at any moment if I’m not leaving this room right now, but there’s so much thing that it takes me almost ten minutes to take pics of everything I want. Then I get out, the silence is so loud in the house that it puts me under pressure…

I close the door and already have a plan, perfect to show my family that I’m not the bad little capricious girl, and that ‘I don’t care’ about their little business.

‘got pics, i’ll text u if I find sth weird, l8er’

I join my room and lock my door to be alone and peaceful. Now I have to figure out what all this means, because if I stay out of this little business any longer and that I know they’re constantly lying to me all along the day it’s gonna drive me crazy.

Like I said, the name of my great grandfather appears a lot. And with what I’m reading, I can say it’s only because he owned the vineyard between 1820 and 1905. He built this business with his father and son, and he was… pretty famous in this town. So the Abrams are living on this island since more than three centuries, that’s insane…

The fact that his name is everywhere is holding my attention, but I move on to something else. These documents are ‘proofs’ that there’s gold on this island, apparently, but, there’s nothing more. No name associated with this gold, no location, we don’t even know if it’s here, I mean, maybe it’s a trap so no one can find it. But it would be so stupid to hide a treasure and let nobody find it.

My phone vibrates as I receive a message from Kie.

‘giiirl!!! there’s a kegger tonight, ur in?’

‘my parents aren’t gonna let me come but enjoy it w/o me ;)’

‘nooo, ask ‘em anyway maybe they’re ok?’

‘ok i will, i let u know’

‘what bout ur dads office?’

‘not much except the name of one of my ancestor, weird stuff i think, have 2 look deeper into his history, i already have a plan’

‘great, we talk bout it tonight, i’m sure ur gonna come, l8r!’

I smile and sigh as I let myself fall on my bed, exhausted. What the hell is this family…

~

“Oh, Dad, your office was open today but I closed the door, I don’t think anybody get in.”

“And you, did you get in?” I look up at him and see in his eyes a bit of fear crossing his regard. “No, of course no, maybe that I sometimes break the rules, but not that one, I’m not crazy.”

“That’s my girl, thank you Thara.”

I smile a little and start to stare at him so he can understand that I wanna ask something. “What” He asks as if he already knew what I wanted to ask.

“Can you do me a favor? So there’s basically this party tonight, at the beach, and I would be so happy to go, even kooks are going say yes please! Just this time.” They all look at each other as the ambiance in the room suddenly change, becoming like they’re all on the same wavelenght. I frown and their silence is killing me, making me giving up as I walk to the stairs. “Thara, come back.”

A touch of hope is setting fire to my body, I need to go there to see them and let them see what I found and what’s strange, and also tell them about my plan.

“Alyssa’s coming with you, and you come back before 2pm.”

The smile on my face is getting wide and stop me from saying anything, I’m hugging my Dad before joining my room to text the crew and say them I’m coming. I can’t wait to see them, it’s been a few days that I can’t get out because of my Dad. Or because of me, and my little escape on John B’s birthday. But that’s OK.

‘i’m coming guys i’m so excited!!!’

I let my phone down on my bed and go get simple clothes in my closet because I didn’t put anything else but my pajamas today so… let’s say it’s only another unproductive day in my life. I choose denim destroyed shorts and a black bikini top. I shove a sweater in my bag, add my key because we never know maybe we’ll be locked outside, and I also put deodorant even if it’s never useful because I forget about it every time.

“When are we leaving?”

“Now, ready?” Alyssa arrives in my room, smiling and apparently really happy to come with me. “Yeah of course girl!”

We’re leaving the house, I ask the chauffeur to turn up the volume and we’re singing off key as the car’s running through the rich streets of Figure Eight. Once we’re arrived at the Cut, my smile widen as the music gets louder the more we move closer to the beach.

The sun’s setting in a beautiful color scale of red, orange and yellow. The sky is amazing and the party seems to be awesome. “Are your friends here?”

“Yeah, I’ve to talk to them, that’s confidential sorry babe.”

“What is it about?” She laughs a little and I do little more than raise my shoulders, with a little smile on my face. “Nothing. Don’t worry and have fun tonight, you’ll see that pogue kegger are really cool.”

“Yeah, OK, but don’t go to far away from this place please, I wanna keep an eye on you.”

“No problem.”

I hear my name the minute after we go through in the crowd, dancing and singing to the loud music, and Sarah, with Kie, run to me and grab my hands to take me to their spot where we’re gonna be able to talk in peace. “Later girl, have a great night!” Sarah shout out while looking at my sister as we leave her.

I can see the boys some meters away, John B’s making us signs with his arms, Pope’s doing the same, like idiots, and JJ’s… looking at us like a zombie would do. As usual when I’m here. I don’t know what’s wrong with me so he hates me that much, I never said anything nasty to him. I guess it’s because I’m a kook, but the girls are too…

“Boys we have to talk, right now.”

“’Bout what I think?” John B’s looking at us, waiting for an answer, as I raise my eyebrows.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking about but I think it’s what you think.” We smile and all sit in a little circle.

I take my phone in my back pocket and start my little recap of everything, and then I find the pictures in my gallery and show them as I continue with my theory, with my grandfather. They’re surprisingly all listening to me, and I all of a sudden feel important, and… not loved, but maybe that I’m part of this group more than I though. Great feelings in this blurry situation…

“So, you think your great great great great great grandpa’s involved in this gold thing?” Pope asks, looking at me as he raises his shoulders.

“Before I answer, can you tell me if you believe in this ‘gold thing’?”

They’re all looking at each other and finally looking back at me, their concerned and haunted eyes diving in mine give me goose bumps and I frown before I look away. “OK. Maybe don’t tell me... yeah, don’t tell me, I don’t wanna know.”

“I’ll tell you, but for now, we have something else to mind…” I agree by a nod of the head and we pay a little more attention to the pictures I took earlier in the day.

~

It’s been a while since we stopped talking about this ‘gold thing’, but the look of my sister’s constantly on me make me think she’s not enjoying the party at all… she looks like she’s waiting for something, or maybe someone… but I don’t think her Prince Charming is going to come here, in the Cut, to enjoy a kegger with pogues…

I’m about to stand and go talk to her to see how she’s doing when a hand grabs my shoulder with harsh, making me wincing and spinning around to see who’s behind me. My eyebrows are raising instantly when my eyes land on Nate. “I’m busy.”

A little smile’s drawing on his face as I feel all the eyes staring at us like a spectacle was ready to begin. What’s wrong with all of them, because the more I look at all the faces, the more I notice that they’re all kooks. “Did you hear me? I’m busy guys, leave us-”

“So after spitting in these fucking pogues faces you’re spitting on us? Fuck you Thara Abrams.” He snaps at me and the silence goes wild. “What’s your problem? You’re with ‘em now?”

“Why does it affects you, you never liked me and I never did so go back to your peaceful life of kooks.”

“Go fuck yourself dirty bitch!” A voice yells at me as others are doing the same, my heartbeats gets quicker and the voices end up by making me feel as little as shit. I’m standing here, surrounded by angry kooks, what a surprise when you think that I never spit in their faces of freaking rich. I’m one of them anyway, why would I do that…

“Shut the hell up and don’t forget where your asses are.” The booming voice of JJ resonate and is hushing everyone up. I shiver and an evil laugh comes out of Nate’s mouth, looking at me with rage and a bad smile on his face. “Listen I never said anything bad on you all so just have fun tonight.”

“So who said that we were rich assholes without brain?”

“Yeah, or that you were the only kook who were good to others?” The remarks go strong and everyone is adding his own comment on what I apparently said on them. “I heard that your parents locked you up because you were as dumb as a rock, so they were scared that you do something worthy of shit. I don’t-”

My brain stop to listen to these nasty comments that make a tear running on my cheek, slowly, as my feet take me somewhere I don’t even know. I walk, through the mob, shaking and in shock. ‘Slut’. ‘You disgust me, how can you say that on us and hang with these shit’. ‘You didn’t deserve to be born’.

~

hii! i'm so proud of this chapter i hope you liked it!! i'm doint my very best to write something great and this chapter makes me so happy!! moreover some plot ideas that i get lately are finally gonna b revealed so i hope it makes you as excited as i am, love uu, byye!

ps: sorry if i seem as excited, it's just that i'm really proud to challenge myself this way, it's something i never did, and i'm a lot under pressure bc of me, i'm scared not to be good enough so, tbh it could really help me to get your opinion, thank uu anyway for reading this story, and i hope you like it :3

[sweetrevengeance]

Don’t Close Your Eyes

pairing: Philip Shea/Lukas Waldenbeck (Eyewitness)

word count: 3228 

trigger warnings: !! suicide attempt !! 

A/N: yo!! this is a birthday gift for my bestest bro Gabe!!! h8 to make u sad on ur birthday bud but ur the one who requested self harm Philip for ur birthday so ur wish is my command I guess!! 

Read it on ao3 here.

It took Lukas a little while to warm up to being out. It had taken him multiple grueling months beforehand to even begin to come to terms with himself, and making that public took a toll on him at first. He never regretted it, because he loved Philip, but a part of him wished it had just been easier. Once the initial shock died down - when people stopped pausing him in the hallways to say ridiculous things like so which one of you is the girl? or it’s such a shame. you were so cute when you were straight. - Lukas couldn’t have been more of a romantic. When people stopped talking so much and he stopped caring so much about what those people thought, the world became a lot easier to navigate for Lukas, because his mind was set on only one thing almost all the time: loving Philip. If someone had told him that first night in the cabin that one day he, Lukas actual Waldenbeck, would be kissing Philip Shea by his locker every morning, strutting around all proud and giddy with his fingers sewn between Philip’s in between every class, loving this boy in plain sight and everyone knew, he probably would have punched them for saying something so insane. And maybe that’s what it took him so long to get over; the notion that loving Philip made something wrong with him. But, with a little bit of soul searching and a couple of near death experiences, Lukas embraced who he was and who he loved, and he decided everyone else should embrace it, too. To make up for all the time he spent unfairly forcing Philip into the dark, Lukas made sure everyone in the whole wide world that was Tivoli, New York knew that he loved Philip and wasn’t afraid to admit it anymore.

It was one of those mornings, when Lukas was feeling so extraordinarily in love and wanted to show it off. It was hardly 9 AM when Lukas pulled himself out of bed on a Saturday morning to bike down to the local florist and pick up a fresh bouquet of purple and blue flowers. Philip hated roses, but he liked flowers in general. Mostly, he liked sticking them in Lukas’ hair and taking cheesy polaroids, but Lukas was always up for that, since it always made Philip smile.

He thanked the young woman behind the counter when she handed him the small but beautiful bundle of flowers. He checked his phone for the time (9:32 AM), but found his screen displaying a message also. It was a text from Philip, reading simply: I love you, Lukas. He abandoned any idea of trying to surprise Philip with breakfast in bed or anything, but he had sort of figured that would be the case unless he woke up really early. Philip didn’t sleep very much anymore; he was always awake before Lukas. Typing out a quick response about loving him too, Lukas wondered if Philip had similar romantic plans for the morning, considering the random outburst of affectional declaration. He silently hoped a small bouquet of flowers would be enough as he climbed back onto his bike and shoved the helmet over his head.

With the flowers in his lap tucked half under his shirt, the sound of Lukas’ motorbike was almost the only thing breaking the small town air. It only took him a few minutes to drive through town and end up in the familiar driveway to Helen and Gabe’s house. He could probably drive there in his sleep, seeing the amount of time he’d come to spend in Philip’s bedroom or at their dinner table. He brought his bike to a stop on the lawn, noting the absence of cars around him and concluding that both Helen and Gabe weren’t home - Helen almost certainly at the sheriff station, Gabe probably out grocery shopping or enjoying the early June sunshine out on the water. He smiled. He loved Helen and Gabe like family, but sometimes being alone with Philip was greatly preferred. Lukas peeled off his helmet and gloves and swung a leg over his bike, dismounting. He tussed up his hair a little bit to get the shape of the helmet out of it and regripped the flowers in his hand. He was only a little bit concerned that Philip hadn’t walked out the door yet. Usually, the sound of his bike lured Philip to greet him with a kiss on the front porch, but the old screen door stayed perfectly in place, even as Lukas climbed the few porch steps.

He knocked thrice, loudly enough to be heard, but there was still no sign of Philip. Lukas knew he was awake because of the text, and he waited almost a full minute at the door, but it seemed it wasn’t going to get opened from the inside. His mind wandered as to why Philip wouldn’t answer the door. Was he right about Philip also pulling a romantic gesture this morning? Was it some sort of surprise? Was he even home? Maybe Philip had walked to Lukas’ house when Lukas was riding to his? Whatever the case, Lukas waited a few more seconds before finally bending down to grab the spare key from beneath the potted plant next to his feet. He unlocked the door and let himself in, not for the first time.

Upon initial entry, the house was eerily quiet. He was certainly right that Helen and Gabe weren’t home, but it didn’t sound like anyone was. The air felt too cold, the atmosphere was too hard to swallow correctly. It just seemed strange. Kicking off his riding boots, Lukas stepped into the kitchen, where a flash of eggshell white got caught in his peripheral. There was an envelope sitting hastily on the kitchen table with his name scrawled on the front.

The seemingly empty house and the single letter could have confirmed Lukas’ romantic suspicions if the handwriting on the envelope wasn’t so off. Philip didn’t have extraordinary penmanship to begin with, but the letters looked shaky and rushed like the pen was fighting with the fingers holding it. The breaks and waves in the blue inked Lu Lukas seemed so telltale of uncertainty - hell, he had to try to write the name twice, and even then it looked wobbly and uneasy. The envelope filled Lukas with worry.

He set down the flowers on the table, his fingers brushing over the paper in front of him nervously. He picked it up and read his name again before turning it over in his hands and opening up the flap on the back. It hadn’t even been sealed. A somewhat crumpled piece of notebook paper covered in the same blue pen ink was folded inside. It was blotchy and smudged in multiple places. Lukas only needed to read the first line to understand the situation. He dropped the letter and ran.

Luckily Lukas’ feet were functioning better than his mind. His head was so filled with anxiety and adrenaline and genuine dread that he could barely conjure a coherent thought, but his legs carried him up the stairs and around a corner to Philip’s bedroom. He swung the door open, his eyes darting across every inch of the quiet room, searching for something he didn’t want to find. But the room was empty, Philip was nowhere in sight.

“Shit.” Lukas breathed, his voice no more than a panicked whisper.

His head was still swimming in fear, his heart still pumping unrelentlessly. He turned and ran back down the stairs, turning a few more corners until he reached the bathroom. He was thankful he knew the house’s interior like the back of his bike. He darted out a hand and wriggled the doorknob to the bathroom. The door shook, but didn’t open. It was locked.

“Shit!” He proclaimed, louder this time. “Philip!”

The locked door undeniably revealed that Philip was inside, but no answer was given. Lukas called his name again, louder, more desperate, banging his fist on the door.

It was no use. He hoped against all hope that Philip was just ignoring him or knocked out. He hoped he wasn’t too late. He needed to get into the bathroom. With his heart hammering below his skin, Lukas made a decision. The house was old. The door was wooden. He needed to get to Philip.

Taking a step back and as deep a breath as he could muster in his panicked state, Lukas drew back his leg and pushed all of his force into the swing of a kick. His heel smashed against the bathroom door, just under the doorknob. It hurt like hell and he probably should have left his boots on, but the shot of pain prickling through his foot was the last thing on his mind. He reeled back and kicked again, hearing a crack this time. It only took him one more kick and the door flew open, its hinges whining. He scrambled to recover his balance. Head rushing and out of breath, Lukas finally stepped into the bathroom.

His stomach dropped.

His breath caught in his throat, and despite his pulse thundering through his veins, he swore his heart stopped.

Philip was lying in the bathtub, his eyes closed, his chest rising and falling alarmingly slowly. His arms and torso were covered in blood. His left arm was hanging off the edge of the tub, a razor blade lying on the floor perpendicular to it. Thick, dark droplets of red trailed across his palm and dripped slowly onto the floor, lingering on his fingertips for as long as possible until gravity pulled them from his skin. A small puddle was already formed on the tile. His other arm was resting weakly on his stomach, where the blood had pooled so much his hand was more red than pale. Deep, cavernous gashes shone on each of his wrists, blood still draining out of them, as it ostensibly had been for a while. Lukas yelled.

“Philip! Holy shit, no. No, no, no. Fuck!” He rushed to the tub, his head screaming at him not to panic and do something but his body refusing to come up with anything useful and panicking nonetheless. He dropped to his knees next to the tub, the small puddle from Philip’s left arm soaking into his jeans. The warmth of the blood snapped him into survival mode.

He yanked a towel from the rack behind him, taking Philip’s arm from the edge of the tub and tying the cloth tightly around his wrist. Philip winced a little, his eyes stirring slowly. Lukas frantically searched for another towel, but to no avail. Instead, he peeled the dark flannel off his shoulders and knotted it securely around Philip’s other wrist. His ankle was still throbbing from the door, but he didn’t care in the slightest. Once pressure was applied to both wrists, he reached into his pant pocket to pull out his phone. He slid to the emergency call screen and dialed 9-1-1 as fast as his shaking fingers could. The generic 9-1-1, what’s your emergency? greeted his ear a moment later.

“I need an ambulance! My boyfriend, he - he tried to kill himself and he’s bleeding so much and -” He couldn’t make it through the whole sentence. Saying the words out loud forced the welling in his eyes to spill over and his voice to break with a small sob.

“Sir, what’s the location?”

Lukas spat out the address into the phone, hanging up once the woman assured him an ambulance was on its way.

“Philip, hey, can you hear me?” Lukas asked desperately, bringing both his hands to the side of Philip’s face, slapping his cheeks a little bit in an attempt to make him coherent. Philip tilted his head and groaned lowly, and Lukas let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

“Philip, it’s me, it’s Lukas. P-Please say something.” He was still crying, harder now. It took Philip a full five seconds to open his eyes, and those few moments felt like years to Lukas.

“Lukas?” Philip’s voice was weak and depleted, but it was there.

“I’m right here, baby. I-I called an ambulance, you’re gonna be okay. Please, I need you to be okay.” He shook Philip’s head a little bit with nervous gesticulations.

Philip winced and drew his hand up sluggishly to grip Lukas’ arm, just below where the blond was touching his face. “I’m sorry, Lukas. I love you. I’m sorry.”

“No!” Lukas shouted as Philip’s eyes drooped half way and he put his hand back on his stomach. “Philip! I love you so much, please - please just stay with me. Please.” He took one hand from Philip’s face and grabbed his boyfriend’s hand, ignoring the blood that smeared across his fingers.

“Don’t close your eyes, Philip, please. Look at me, yeah? Look at me. Please, please stay with me, Philip.”

Philip’s eyes fluttered, alternating between giving up and falling closed and struggling to meet Lukas’ gaze. He was trying, and that was all Lukas could do until the ambulance arrived - make Philip keep trying, keep holding on. So he kept squeezing Philip’s hand and he kept rambling about how much he loved and needed Philip and he kept crying, waiting for the sound of sirens to make its way into Helen and Gabe’s driveway.

***

Lukas hated hospitals. He hated the stale air, the way it hung all heavy and musty around his head, clouding his windpipe with distant stenches of dismay. He hated the lights, always too bright in the way that made them somehow not bright enough, flickering lowly like they were trying to steal the life from the patients and take it for themselves. He hated the waiting rooms, the way everyone looked at each other with pity in their gazes, trying to gauge who had it the worst or who’d been sitting there the longest. He hated not knowing if his boyfriend was alive or not.

For probably the fourth time in a minute, Lukas found his hands tugging his hair and his elbows digging into his knees. His uninjured foot bounced anxiously up and down without relent, shaking his whole body. His other ankle had stopped throbbing thanks to the pain meds a nurse forced him to take. It was wrapped too tightly in an ace bandage. Apparently he’d sprained it kicking down the door, but honestly he couldn’t care less with no news of Philip still. It had been almost two hours. Two hours of Lukas jittering and sitting hunched over with his head down, Gabe occasionally placing a comforting hand on his back, Helen pacing and bickering with nurses, and people staring solemnly at them all, wondering what horror brought them in. Lukas’ mouth was dry. He couldn’t wait any longer.

Just as he was half-legitimately contemplating going on a small rampage, throwing open every door in the entire hospital until he found Philip, a tired looking nurse in that ugly off-white uniform stepped into the waiting room with a clipboard under her arm.

“The family of Philip Shea?”

Lukas was on his feet and in front of the nurse so fast his head spun. Gabe and Helen were by his side in less than three seconds. “What’s going on? Is he…?”

“Philip is in stable condition,” Lukas exhaled at the nurse’s proclamation, relief flooding his brain and his heart. Philip was alive. “But he lost a lot of blood so he’s pretty weak and tired. We don’t want to overwhelm him, so we’re asking only one visitor at a time.”

Lukas looked almost pleadingly at Helen and Gabe, giving them a small it’s your call shrug.

“Go, Lukas.” Gabe nodded, draping an arm around his wife and blinking back tears. “He’ll want to see you most.”

“Thank you.” Lukas breathed. He knew Helen and Gabe were just as worried, and he appreciated greatly that they let him go first.

“Right this way.” The nurse smiled softly. She had that kind of smile you have to have to work in a hospital; the shit sucks but I have to be polite about it smile. He followed her down two hallways, taking a left and then a right until she stopped outside a closed door. “I’ll give you two some time.”

Lukas could hear his pulse in his ears. The cold metal of the doorknob stung his hand. He turned it quickly and stepped into the room.

Philip was propped up in the bed, a faded blue hospital gown hanging loosely on his shoulders and torso. An IV bag was dripping slowly and steadily into his right arm. Slightly stained bandages wrapped both of his wrists. His eyes opened halfway upon hearing someone’s entrance.

“Hey, Lukas.” Philip piped up, his voice small and croaky. He shot a sad smile toward the door. Lukas rushed to the bedside, pulling up a chair from along the wall and sitting down, grabbing his boyfriend’s hand gently.

“Hey, Philip.” Only two words and Lukas’ voice was already cracking, his eyes welling up for the umpteenth time. Philip saved him momentarily from having to try to talk through his tears.

“Listen, I- I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have put you through this. Helen and Gabe, too, none of you deserved this. I really didn’t mean to hurt anyone - well, except myself. I was just so - I’m just - I couldn’t -”

“Hey, hey.” It was Lukas’ turn to save Philip from trying to talk. “You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. No one is upset with you. We’re all just relieved that you’re alive. You don’t know how badly I needed you to be okay, and you are, and that’s all that matters to me. I really don’t know what I’d do without you, Philip.” He reached a hand to Philip’s cheek. The last time his hand was in that position, Philip was covered in blood and nearly comatose. He blinked the image out of his mind.

“I love you, Lukas. I should’ve come to you, I’m sorry.” Philip shook his head, the first droplet of water running down his face.

“It’s okay, babe, you don’t have to keep apologizing.” Lukas swept the moisture away with the pad of his thumb. “I love you, too. So, so much.”

As if to prove his point further, Lukas leaned down to press a kiss to Philip’s lips. It was soft and sweet and absolutely bursting with love and life.

“Will you stay?” Philip mumbled against Lukas’ mouth, voice pleading.

“Of course.” He figured they’d have to let Gabe and Helen in eventually, especially if Philip said he wanted them all there, so Lukas would stay with his boyfriend until then. Philip pulled back to shuffle over, wincing at the weight he put on his wrists. There wasn’t really enough room for both of them on the single bed, but neither really cared, and Lukas climbed into the small space Philip had cleared for him. He slung an arm behind Philip’s waist and kissed his temple. Strands of unkempt brunet hair splayed across Lukas’ shirt when Philip settled into his chest. Philip closed his eyes, and Lukas’ heart and stomach felt light with the knowledge that this time, he knew they would open again.

Find more of my writing here or here. 

[imsarabum]

Responses to {Part 26} I Won’t Stop You // Jeon Jungkook, Vampire!AU Asks~

Please ‘Keep Reading’ to find my response to your ask ^^ As always, I have copied and pasted all asks into this post in regards to last night’s chapter to avoid clogging up people’s dashboards and to avoid spoilers for those who may still wish to read the chapter. Thank you ^^

(I have also included asks that I received in the hours before IWSY was posted ^^)

Anonymous said: I was having a really horrible day. And that's when I realized IWSY is getting updated tonight and it hasn't been as bad as a day as expected!^^  On a side note, do you like 2PM? I just wanted to see possibly. If you do, what is your favorite song? Thank you for being so awesome! 💕😘

I’m sorry you are having a really horrible day *hugs* but I hope IWSY can make you smile a little bit! And yes, I like 2PM, but is it bad to say that my fav song was 10 our of 10? LOLOL I still listen to it occasionally :3

Anonymous said: can't wait for the new iwsy chapter :)))

Yay I hope you enjoy it!!

@hemhings said: I won't be able to read I Won't Stop You tonight because I'm on nightshift, I'm so upset about this!😭😭😨

Awww babe I’m sorry you’re working nightshift! :( that really sucks ugh :( but don’t worry my love, Jungkook will still be here for you when you get home!! :3

@ktaegyo said: okay i just had my first part of final exams today and I fucked it up but then I stumbled upon your story and read all 25 chapters at one go lmao. bless you, thank you for making me feel better. I love you

I’m sure you didn’t fuck it up my love, I’m sure you did the best you can do! *hugs* but I’m really happy that IWSY made you feel a little better, and I love you too :D

@fangirlunnie said: IWSY can have hundreds of chapters and I wouldn't get tired of it 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻

Oh god I don’t think it will have hundreds of chapters xD But it is turning out to be quite long! I never expected the story to take my to all these different places and ideas xD But thank you so much beautiful :3

@adoppelna14 said: Every Tuesday I have this strange urge to tell you that I am waiting for the new Chapter of IWSY😂 and it's no joke. A lot of times I look at the date and I'm like, Oh no it's not Tuesday yet. And every Tuesday morning it's like, why can't it be night already?😂😭

Please never lose this strange urge because I really love seeing people get excited (cos I get excited too!!) hehe ^^ I really hope you’ll enjoy this one ahhhh c:

Anonymous said: Bc i live in the Netherlands i have to wait till 10:30 bc the time is 1 hour behind, but still I always stay awake for IWSY and I always go to sleep after i read it bc Tuesday is the longest school day i have whaha

Awh bless you that’s so late for you I’m sorry! :( But I hope that tonight’s chapter will be a good one :3

Anonymous said: iwsy is literally the highlight of my day... no lie. my university classes have already stopped for the summer so i have nothing to do today.. and iwsy hasnt come out yet.... so all i did was nap. i woke up, checked the time in the uk, went back to sleep, and checked the time again. you got yourself a dedicated reader here!!!!

You’re literally so cute I’m screaming xD But I’m so jealous that you’re already finished Uni for the summer! I really hope you like tonight’s chapter :3 thank you so much for reading IWSY!!

Anonymous said: IWSY has reached its final ark right? I'm so exited for the last chapters. ^0^

Maybe, maybe not! You’ll just have to wait! :D

@warriorinhealing said: Can I just say I'm literally sitting at the edGE OF MY BED just waITING for IWSY to update 😩 this story is so good and my friend got me into this and I don't regret(okay kinda of bc my emotions are played a lot in this story) and I jUST !!! 😭😩 I don't ship chim and tae but this story makes me wonder if I should and I love yoongi but this story makes me waNNA FITE HIM SO HARD and I want him to cATCH MY H A N DSS !!! and you just write so good 😭 sorry that this is long, I'm vvv emotional

Ahh you’re so cute thank you so much! I’m really happy that you got into IWSY and that you’re enjoying it :3 Tbh i ship tae with everyone lmao he’s so loveable and full of affection ^^ I hope you’ll enjoy tonight’s chapter my love!! thank you so much :3

Anonymous said: First of all, i'm going to calmly say that you are a wonderful writer and that new chapter is no joke. I also want to say something else. Pardon my french, but:  WHAT THE FUCK?  I almost started sobbing.... But its fine... Ill just wait another seven days to see what happens.   [I've never cried from fanfiction before so this was a nice surprise. Thank you for being such a great writer and continuously uploading IWSY. Just thank you~💕]

Hehe :3 thank you so much for saying that ahh~ i’m so happy you read it and liked? it! lolol :3 thank you so much dear!

Anonymous said: fuck.

same tbh

Anonymous said: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

YES

@jauntyjin said: IF U KILLED JIMIN ILL BE SO SAD

WHERE DOES IT SAY JIMIN DIED

@talkmemeytome said: Omg im ACTUALLY crying at iwsy youre such a great writer oh gosh

aaaaaaaaah thank you so much yay!!

Anonymous said: I AM SHOOKETH. OH MAN. THAT WAS SO GOOD. YOU'RE PLAYING WITH MY HEART STRINGS. JESUS

You’re so welcome hehe~ thank you very much!

@mysr3 said: Sara!!! Am so MAD at U rn!! That Yoongi bite not supposed 2b on Y/N ahh😖what!!! Am so upset Omg! Ok I know u r the queen of Cliff hanging but this is just the most painful one I ever had! Glare hard at u girl! Nice chapter! My emotions r all over the place again thx to u! Can u spare us n give us reassurance that everything will b okay! Plzz I need this! My tears keep on falling TT Thank you! I Love U n Ur Blog❤️❤️❤️ but should I continue LOVIN U after this hmm 🤔 Hav a good Day Sara! ❤️ Ps I like how u portrayed Y/N to b kind of bad ass this time! But Jimin!!!! Why~

It’s okay~ everyone’s mad at me :( Don’t cry! Keep reading! hehe :) And Y/N has always been bad ass ^^ But she definitely went overboard and couldn’t control her anger in this chapter I think^^ thank you so much for reading my love!

Anonymous said: 😯🙁😢😭😵😱  ☝basically how i felt while reading this chapter haha BUT DAMN NOW I REALLY NEED TO KNOW HOW THIS WILL TURN OUT I NEED NEXT WEEK TO ARRIVE (but also no because it'll be one week less to my finals) can't wait for updates!!! Hope you have a great week 😘

Next week isn’t that far away! and same I feel you i have so many tests and finals and assignments that I feel like crying forever lolol thank you so much for reading my love!

@ayedemi said: i'm crying istg, i need more of IWSY, i'm in London with school next week and i will miss it bc they don't know for sure if we have wifi ): but i wanna say ILY byeee ♥︎

Ooooh I will also be in London next week! *shifty eyes* hehe but I hope you’ll enjoy IWSY if/when you get a chance to read it :D

Anonymous said: I know I just forgave you for playing with my heart but now I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take it back becaUSEWHYDIDUKILLJIMIN?!WHYDIDYOUKILLTHEMOSTPRECIOUSTHINGINMYLIFEHUH?!HEWASJUSTAYOUNGVAMIREANDYOUJUSTWERELIKETIMETORUINTHEFUNSORRYMATE?!IFONLYICOULDKEEPMYSTUPIDMOUTHSHUTANDNOWJIMINISDEAD!!!IMSUPPOSEDTOWRITEAPAPERTHATSDUE T O M O R R O W AFTERREADINGTHIS?!THISISTOOMUCHFUDGINGANGSTFORMYPOORFLUFFYHEART?!IHAVEMORETOSAYBUTIMRUNNINGOUTOFCHARACTERSSOILLENDWITHTHIS-IH8USOMUCHRIGHTNOW!HMPH- Vampnip anon

Question; where in the chapter did it say Jimin died *confused face*

Anonymous said: ... .... ..... ...... I Hate  You So Much Right Now HOW.COULD.YOU.DO.THAT.TO.ME Is it sad that I don't actually care about my character I'm just really sad about jimin 😭

no Jimin don’t dieeeee!

@ohheyitsebonyrose said: Omgg Sara!!!! That chapter I'm actually crying! T-T you're such an amazing writer! It's my 18th Birthday tomorrow (well for me; April 13th) and I go see Got7 next week I'm so excited!!!

Happy Birthday to you my love! I hope you have an amazing 18th birthday AND OMG YAY YOU’LL HAVE AN AMAZING TIME! I’m also seeing GOT7 again in May and June and I can’t wait sdfghjk they’re literally the only thing that is stopping me from drowning myself somewhere lol. Thank you so much for reading IWSY my dear, it means a lot to me :D

@sundaymorningblues14 said: I have never felt this amount of anxiety over a fan fiction. But I made it through, and even though my poor heart is beating way too fast right now, I am happy I didn't stop reading it.. Thanks Sara x

I am glad you didn’t stop reading ^^ because everything will turn out just fine!! Thank you so much my love, and I hope you have a wonderful week~

Anonymous said: DUDE THAT CHAPTER I'M ACTUALLY CRYING REAL TEARS RIGHT NOW THIS ISN'T A DRILL HOLY SHIT DUDE I CAN'T TAKE IT I JUST

This is not a drill - this is a real emergency

@im-that-chesire-jax said: OH MY FUCKING GOD IM IN TEARSSSSS

*hands you a tissue* because same

Anonymous said: THAT ENDING! NO! I AM ACTUALLY IN TEARS,, holy crap you're so good at writing i admire you! also! how many chapters are left?

Thank you so much my love! You’re so kind to me :D And I have no idea, I’m sorry!

Anonymous said: NO GOD PLEASE NO. YOONGI DID NOT DO THAT. THIS STORYLINE IS SO CRUEL.

The world is a cruel place my friend

@animeimmortal said: DO YOU MIND WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO KILL JIMIN AND LIKE WHAT WAS THAT ENDING. MY SON IS DYING RIGHT NOW WHAT HAVE YOU DONE LIKE WHAT IS THIS I Don't know what I was expecting tbh bUT IT WASNT THAT THou I was expecting a fight to break out and the detailed descriptions? Amazing I love reading them they make the whole thing seem so real you're so tale ted aNYwAY MY SON IS DYING THERE OMG WHYTYYYYY ❤❤❤

Where does it say Jimin died? :o hehe thank you for liking the detailed descriptions and i’m really happy it seemed real to you ^^ NO JIMIN DON’T DIEEEEE! Thank you so much dear ^^

@jeonjungkooksshi said: You're an amazing writer! IWSY IS AMAZINGGGGG and the latest chapter... ughhh too much for my weak heart! LOOKING FORWARD TO NEXT WEEK!! <3

*blushes* thank you so much my love c: that means so much to me!

@the-golden-jhope said: I WANNA FUCKING DIE YOU CANNOT END IWSY LIKE THAT IM CRYING OH MY GOD I CANT WAIT A WEEK

1. Don’t die pls - 2. I just did~ hehe THANK YOU for reading :D

Anonymous said: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IWSY PT 26 WAS SO SPICY!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN UNNIE!!! fuck i hate cliff hangers but, in this case it's totally understandable. omo, my hearteu my hearteu. Unnie, do us all a favour, STOP MESSING WITH OUR BIAS LIST!!! lol, You deserve around of applause. Can't wait for Tuesdays!!!! hwaiting!!!!

Hot hot spicy! hehe thank you so much for reading the update and I’m glad it brought you pain/pleasure ^^ hehe

Anonymous said: BSKSKSNDND MUMSY IM ACTUALLY CRYING AT THIS IM SCREAMING WHY WOULD YOU OH GOD IM IN NEED OF SERIOUS COMFORT WHY WHY WHY IM SOBBING NDKDKKDEM I CANT EVEN BREATHE I'M CRYING IM NOT READY FOR NEXT WEEK IDKSKEND MUMSYYYYY WHYYYYYYYYY

*comforts you* shhh it’s okay~ it’ll be over soon~~ hehe thank you for reading it my love!!

@deangetoutofmyspleen said: oK i'm crying like a little bitch yet again bc of IWSY. the pain is highkey worth it though i'm in love with this story. if i owned a time machine i'd go to next week fr

it’s okay I cry like a little bitch every day~ it’s gr8 hehe ^^ thank you for being in love with iwsy ^^ i’m so happy that you’re enjoying the updates lovely!

@platinumbreak said:  Thank you, you made me lucky haha my exams went well. I hope yours will too. I talked about your writings to a friend and she has been reading it for 3hours straight, she is not even answering anymore haha Ps: This chapter is just amazing thank you for writing and making our life happier haha ×

I’m so happy i could give you a little bit of luck! and I’m glad to know that your friend has seemed to immerse herself in the story too :3 I hope she likes it! thank you very much for reading!

Anonymous said: I'm not even gonna begin to lie, there's actual tears in my eyes after ch26 like, fuck it has me so emotional I'm such a soft pillow I just want everything to turn out okay Jesus Christ I'm sitting nd crying why u gotta do this to me

trust me,I was crying when I wrote parts of that chapter ^^ hehe~ *hugs you* thank you so much for reading the update!

@killingalltheflowers said: Omg this chapter was too much. HOLY SHIT YOU KILLED JIMIN, MY LOVE. YOU MONSTER (I still love you) A-AND NOOO NOW THE READER IS GOING TO BE BOUND TO YOONGI. UGH I- I CANT. I'M SO UPSET ABOUT EVERYTHING. YOU FREAKIN GODESS OF FANFICS. T^T Also this chapter was gorgeously written.. T^T

Where does it say Jimin died?! lol ahhh I’m definitely not a goddess but thank you so much for reading and enjoying the chapter, it means so much to me :3

@oramleon said: sara i'm fucking crying right now what the HELL was that update??????????? WHYYYYYYY

I’M SORRY OKAY

@theninjachan said: "Yoongi smiled – baring his teeth and gums as if he found something to be terribly funny."  YOOO I THOUGHT OF YOONGI'S GUMMY SMILE IN THIS LINE AND CAN'T HELP BUT GIGGLE BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT I AM TEARS RIGHT NOW THIS HAS BEEN YOUR MOST HEART WRENCHING CHAPTER YET. I NEED A MOMENT.

Yoongis gummy smile melts my heart every single time fuck-- TAKE YOUR MOMENT ITS OKAY I UNDERSTAND hehe but I hope you enjoyed it my love ^^

Anonymous said: sara you KNEW everyone was gonna be upset what do you mean "some scenes may be upsetting" i was balling my eyes out the entire time

Shit u rite~~ BUT I HAD TO WARN OKAY YOU CAN’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF

@moonlighthollow said: OMG NO NO NO WTF NO PLEASE OMG  OK I'm done..😐 I'm an emotional wreck😭 she can't just..... yoongi can't just... oh geez i don't even know what to say  AND JIMIN😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Why u doin dis to me ? My poor heartㅠㅠ (i love your writing tho♥)

Shhhh it’s okay...shhhh now *hugs* eheh thank you so much for reading this chapter even if it was a little sad!

@doubletroublesince1994 said: OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU DID NOT OH LORD HELP ME BREATHE I DID NOT EXPECT THAT HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN BECAUSE HELL I DIDNT ANTICIPATE THIS IM SHOOK

I’m glad I could surprise you in the worst way c: hehe thank you for reading once again my love!

Anonymous said: Hi, how many chapters will IWSY have? 💕

I’ve answered this question a million times before and Im sorry but I have no idea! :D

@wearelivinglegacies said: I'm NOT OKAY OMG I'M SO CLOSE TO CRYING RN LIKE WHAT AHHHHH FIRST JIMIN AND NOW Y/N!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I'M SO ANGRY AND SAD AND THIS STORY IS SO AMAZING THANK YOU, BUT ALSO WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEE???????? I can't wait for the next part this story has me on the edge of my seat 😭❤

I apologise for any hurt I’ve caused hehe~ thank you so much for being on the edge of your seat, and thank you so much for reading too! :D

@noceurash said:I knew bad things would happen in this chapter but I'm so... gffhu DEAD INSIDE,, my poor sweet boy jimin (I have such a soft spot for this boy why would you hurt me like this ;^;)) and tae too aaah my heart is breaking. Not to mention bby namjoon not wanting to hurt anyone im crying inside. You've hurt my soul this chapter. It's so good ((hurting me but good)). I hope you have a lovely day~~ I love you!!! <3

All the soul and heart hurties :c hehe i hope you’ll have a lovely day and I love you too! thank you so much for reading the new chapter sweetie!

@wastedtaehyung said: WHAT THE FLIPPJNG FUCK DOFMDCKMS KWEKSLXKQOS (Y/N) AND JIMIN WHAT WOFMWKDK APLDLQD NOW I HAVE TO WAIT NEXT WEEK WIFNSKDMSKSKWMS FUCKFKCMSKLAXMLWFKLW

you’re welcome :3

Anonymous said: nOOOO SARA NOT JIMINNN T_T. i expected it but you still got mehhh feeeeeels. your stories are just so emotional and thats exactly whats so great about them ;-;. ive always thought about how these ideas pop up in your mind. :3

:3 i’m so happy that you find it emotional to read, because i find it emotional to write! as for ideas, they just come to me randomly? dreams, through lyrics and poetry I write, i don’t really know^^ thank you so much for reading dear :D

@bekzzz said: Holy Shit. Just.... holy shit. Tuesday can't come fast enough!

hehe thank you so much my love!

Anonymous said: straight up forgot that iwsy was coming out today 😭. I'm moving houses so everything is super stressful but i read the chapter and suddenly I am at peace. -tall anon

i hope moving house goes quickly for you! stress is no good~ thank you so much for reading the new chapter tall anon! ^^

@m1n-yoong1 said: The amount of times I've gasped and screamed reading IWSY pt 26 is unreal, your writing always amazes me and I look forward to the next chapter 🙌🏼🙌🏼💖💖

awh thank you, that was so sweet and you made me smile ^^ thank you so much for reading the new chapter love!

Anonymous said: damn sara these cliffhangers tho 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻

u know me xox

Anonymous said: I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you 😡

It’s okay. I hate myself too.

Anonymous said: There was a part where you mention how she was essentially able to give life and it was in italics so she can bring Jimin back to life, right? Also if Jungkook marked her in some vampy way, does that mean that Yoongi's plan won't work? Please say yes! 🙏 Joon is gonna be okay too, right? I don't like death. Death is sad. I don't like being sad.

When Jungkook said he marked her, it was sexual innuendo as in - he has already gotten her pregnant ^^ hehe I hope everything turns out well in the end c: ~ thank you so much for reading!

Anonymous said: I'd like to assume that Yoongi can still be redeemed, because o love each and every one of them. That seems a bit too unrealistic, doesn't it though. 😔

We’ll just have to see what happens! But just remember that it’s not real haha Yoongi’s image is just being used for a character I created! It doesn’t depict him in any way ^^

@thenotsogrownupeldest said: I was screaming reading the ending of IWSY latest chapter! I even wish I was some kind of supernatural being that can intervene that heartbreaking scene and save both jimin and y/n.. you my friend, are a terrific writer. I love you but I slightly hate you right now for the ending. I need a moment to calm my non-vampiric soul from this intense scene.

Jump into the story and save everyone! hehe ^^ thank you so much and I love you too (even tho you slightly hate me) c: i’m glad you liked? the update!

Anonymous said: HOW COULD YOU

WHAT DID I DO

@wanda-rog said: I'm speechless...I really wasn't expecting that...Jimin better be okay next week! You're so good at leaving us all on the edge! I bit all my nails reading that chapter and now I can only hope for Jimin to survive and WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE BABY AND IS NAMJOON OKAY AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN OVER ALL, angst aside that was a really cool chapter I'm seriously looking forward to next one, thanks for always updating on time and lengthy chapters too, you go Sara xx

I hope he’ll be okay too! hehe all the questions, hopefully you’ll get answers soon c: thank you so much for enjoying it and reading the new chapter dear, it means a lot to me ^^

@coppertopging said: Omg i totally forgot it was tuesday until i saw your update! This chapter had soooo much going on!! I have so many questions, but got so many answers, but I can't help but want... no... NEED more of this story! Is it terrible that i just never want it to end?!

trust me, al the days have merged into one for me. I have 4 assignments due and numerous exams to have and I’m losing my grip on reality lolol please kill me :( thank you so much for reading as always dear, it means the world to me.

Anonymous said: Holly Tony Molly SARA DA FEELS ARE SO STRONG stop making me cry why did u kill Cristian Chim Chim :/// I just cant wait for next week arggggh *sobs* I freaking love how all of this is so angsty 💞 --wifey anon

hello wifey anon! Where does it say I killed Jimin? ;o thank you so much for reading my love!

Anonymous said: [[SCREAMING]]

*whispers*

Anonymous said: [Error 404] u cant kill chimchim u just cant why ?!😞😞

Where does it say I killed Jimin? ;o

@jynxy24 said: What. The. Hell. Shit feelings. What are feelings anyway? Do feelings even exist? WHY THE HECK YOU GOTTA DO THAT SARA WHY?! I'm happy that Namjoon is good. WE WERE CORRECT!! And damn, badass reader omg. I MISS BADASS VAMPIRE MOM!! Also, if Yoongi frickin doesn't turn good at the end, Istg Sara. Anyways! Thanks for the greatttttt chapter! Stay awesome :3

FEELINGS DONT EXIST :D hehe thank you so much for reading the new chapter ^^ i’m really happy you enjoyed it Jynxy :D

@shineeshawol204 said: So I just read chap 26 of I Won't Stop You, first of all, bitch - I mean that in the nicest way possible - second of all, your writing style is phenomenal! During the fight scene I was letting out audible gasps as the events were unfolding and I feel like I am actually watching it. There's zero gaps in your writing, I am left without questions (other than why bis, ugh the pain I feels) as to what's happening and just ugh, wonderful. Also my friend i sent it to is only on pt.3 and I need someone

Ahh thank you so much I’m so glad you enjoyed the fight scene! I had such a fun time writing it tbh lol to hear you say that there’s no gaps in my writing, it’s really a massive compliment to me. it’s always something i’ve been afraid of happening so thank you so much! thank you a million times ^^

@cheeto-puff-gem said: what the FUCK WHY THIS WHY T H I S

I DON’T KNOW WHAT

Anonymous said: OH SHIT Y/N IS GOING TO BECOME A VAMPIRE (stares intensely at April 18th on the calendar AKA NEXT TUESDAY)

but what if SHE DIES

Anonymous said: ONCE AGAIN YOU GOT ME ALL THE WAY FUCKED. ONE JIMIN NOT DEAD. IF HE DIE IMA LOSE MY SHIT AND TWO Y/N NOT GONNA BE YOONGI'S SLAVE CUZ SHE BELONGS TO JUNGKOOK. it's midnight and I'm laying in the bed crying RN cuz like why? Why you do these things? 😢😢😢 My soul is hurt. I feel as though the world needs to end because Lil mochi is dying and WHAT ABOUT THE FETUS? Baby fetus me is in there like wtf mom calm ya tits and where's my dad? You keep hurting me w/ cliffhangers but I love u 💜~LilKookieAno (cont.) P.S. on a real note I'm dead ass when I say the baby should be named after me. 💜 ~LilKookieAnon

Don’t worry baby fetus i’m sure you’ll be okay! hehe hopfully everything will work out okay in the end :D i love you too sweetcakes~ thank you so much for reading part 26! i hope you enjoyed it even though it was an emotional one :3

@blryface said: I'm honestly so shook at part 26. Like, oh my god I'm speechless. You're such an amazing writer and I anticipate every Tuesday when you update! I can't wait to see how things turn out but DAMN YOU GOT ME FUCKED UP

ahhh thank you so much honestly ^^ i’m so happy you liked it and that you look forward to new updates my love! and i’m sorry if i got you all fucked up hehe

Anonymous said: NO NO NO NO SARA WTHEFUCKWHY TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW IM GONNA AAAAAAA

I called you an ambulance!!

@sunnyoongi2 said: I JUST FINISHED THE NEW CHAPTER OF IWSY AND IM SO HURT I LOVE IT SO MUCH IM CRYING JIMIN!!! NOOO

hehehe thank you so much for reading!

Anonymous said: HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK JIMIN OH MY GOD IM CRYING BUT ALSO NAMJOON AND IM SO TIRED IT'S TOO LATE ON A SCHOOL NIGHT TO BE THIS EMOTIONALLY DISTRAUGHT OH MY GOD

GO TO BED YOU NAUGHTY CHILD!

Anonymous said: NUH UH HONEY. That is all. (In response to IWSY Part 26)

UH HUH HONEY YES MM

Anonymous said: OH MY GODDDD. IWSY CHAP 26 GOT ME SCREAMINGGGG!!! THANK YOU FOR THE UPDATE 💜💜💜

AHH YOU’RE WELCOME AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!

Anonymous said: WAIT WHAT

*waits*

Anonymous said: Yeah just slap me right into the feels take my heart will ure at it whats the point of living if softie Jimin is dead 😩

Where does it say Jimin died?!

Anonymous said: What is this pain that I feel in my chest?

Life

Anonymous said: my poor hearteu

*comforts you*

@lostheretics said: oMg iM HAVING A HEART ATTACK WTF YOONGI???????????? I NEED HELP IWSY IS KILLIN ME

hehe~ you’re welcome for the heart attack! :3

@koreaisanaddiction said: SARA NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! not thatt!!!!! im so sad!!!!!!!(cont.) I THINK I KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!!! I HAVE THEORIES!!!

*sneaky laughs* I guess you’ll just have to wait to see if your theories are correct! ^^ thank you for reading lovely :D

Anonymous said: you ripped my poor soul in half with iwsy why, why must you bring pain and do this :(   poor jimin my heart

I apologise for all the pain :( but I hope you’re still enjoying the story my love!

Anonymous said: I just cannot with chapter 26, this feeling is so indescribable, no words can explain the pain when I read the last few paragraphs, OMG NO PLEASE DONT TAKE HER AWAY FROM JUNGKOOK PLEASEEEE!!!! ಥ╭╮ಥ

Hopefully everything will be okay!! Thank you so much for reading my love ^^

Anonymous said: oh my gosh Sara chapter 26 was so saddening but so good!!! JIMINNNNNN please tell me a miracle will happen and he won't die!!! and let's hope the mark made by jungkook makes a difference and it is strong enough to overcome Yoongi's... I don't want evil yoongi to become my master T.T btw I've written in a couple of times as anon, but how about I label myself as bunnykookie96 from now onwards :D yes, I'm a 96-liner. may I ask what's your age too? ^^

The reference jungkook made to a ‘mark’ was a sexual innuendo because he got her pregnant haha ^^ and yay bunnykookie96! I am also a 96 liner~ my birthday is 12th of January!! :D

Anonymous said: IDC ABT Y/N RN WILL JIMIN MAKE IT AKSKSKKSKK PLEASE OH MY GOD I STILL NEED TO SEE THAT VMIN SIDE STORY

I PRAY THAT ALL YOUR WISHES COME TRUE GODBLESS

Anonymous said: im fucking having theories in my head right now loool but i cant put it into words i will wait for the next chapter to see if im right hoho and btw is this ending? :( i feel like im reading a book holy shit i dont want it to end :((

I can’t wait to see if your theories will come true!! And nope, not yet. There’s still a bit to go~ But I’m glad that you’re not getting bored of it! I was afraid that people might get bored of it because of the length of the series haha :( thank you so much for reading!

Anonymous said: HOW COULD YOU DO THAT JIMIN WHHHHHYYYY the tears currently streaming down my face could create a lake for him to relax in LIKE WHHHYYY DID U DO THIS TO ME WHY COULDNT YOU JUST TAKE ME INSTEAD he was so young so bright so precious just full of love I'm so sad WHY JIMIN!!! New drinking game!! Drink an entire bottle of wine everytime you cried during this chapter ☹️

Jimin you should have stayed out of it!! Take him? Where did he go? Who said he’s dead? ;o hehe~ thank you so much for reading the chapter my love ^^

Anonymous said: I just looked at a picture of Min Yoongi the love of my life and I? Got mad at him?? Like??? You asshole???? Why couldn't you just stay in the basement of your god damn mansion and let everyone live happily????? Like damn I had to remind myself that I'm not dating a vampire and Jimin didn't actually get stabbed and that I need to stop reading outside because I look crazy crying on a park bench THANKS SO MUCH SARA YOU REALLY STABBED ME IN THE HEART THERE

Awwwwh no! Don’t be like that~ that’s not how Yoongi is - I’m merely just using his image to fit a character that I made! Yoongi is a sweet person for sure :D hehe i’m sorry if I made you cry :( but i hope you enjoed the chapter nonetheless ^^ thank you so much!

Anonymous said: Omg ch 26 was brilliant! All I can think about is what's going to happen to y/n's unborn baby ahhhhhhh >.< my heart goes out to jungkookie, his biggest fear became true. I really loved this chapter and the loved the way you conveyed namjoon's struggles! On another not,I really admire you for updating on time! Thank youuuuu for writing an amazing story that contrary keeps us on our toes. I love it and hate it at the same time lol.

Thank you so much my love! that really means so much to me, you’re so, so sweet thank you so much *hugs* I really hope you’ll enjoy the rest of the story and I’m glad you liked this chapter ^^

@dont-hyuck said: Fuck I'm trying so hard not to ugly sob after this chapter ooooohhhhhh someone help ease my aching heart 😭😭😭😭💔💔 I hope everything ends up right at the end I am so attached to this story it is one of the most wonderful things I have ever read and I mean that with my entire being. Please don't ever stop writing I love you so much 😭😭😭😭💖💖💖💖💖💖

I was ugly sobbing while I was writing it haha :( I hope everything ends up all alright too! awwh thank you so much my love, you have no idea how much your words mean to me! I don’t ever plan on stopping so you don’t have to worry :3 thank you and I love you too my dear!!

[dvddggs]

To the Four of Us (Part Nineteen)

premise: modern AU chronicling the squad as they make their way through college and deal with general life things.

soundtrack song: The End of All Things - Panic! At The Disco

full soundtrack: x

words: 2,640

warnings: STRONG trigger warning for abuse!!! PLEASE keep that in mind before you read. I italicized it so if this applies to you, you are still safe to read this as long as you skip the italics (it is written in first person so it’s also distinguishable by that.) BE SAFE YOUNG ONES I LOVE YOU ALL<3

a/n: UR GONNA ALL HATE ME LOOL

all chapters: x

tags: @heythereitsloey @anitheunicorn @newyorkyoucanbeanew @lafbagxette @justafangirlwithanavy @iamgrayfox @ordinaryornate @schuylerjoon @angelica-peggy-eliza @trashyperson101 @crazydragon15 @but-if-you-had-to-choose @geespilots @marvelous-hamilfan @5p00kygh05t @panda-powers @and-maria @lafeyettegunsandships @schokoobananaa @allthegoodurlshavebeentaken @aphboi @hell-yes-puns-and-ships @aham-threw-his-shot-away @hesitantcat @nonstopspook @hamrevolution @passmethegoddamnball

dedication: @hamilton-trash-1, @danimeow, @hamiltonshippingmachine, and @victorieschild for liking literally EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY POSTS ((if ur wondering if i notice,, I do)) lol idek if you guys read this but !!! thank you :)

“So who is John anyways?” Charles asked eagerly after ten minutes straight of dead silence.

He, Alexander, and Aaron were half an hour into their impromptu road trip to rescue John from the train station across the state. Charles was growing restless already, which was annoying Alexander and Aaron, although they silently admitted that it was probably their fault for completely ignoring him.

“The guy he’s fucking,” Aaron said, pointing his thumb in Alexander’s direction with a chuckle.

“The guy I’m fucking,” Alexander confirmed, although there was no humour in his voice. He had not taken his tense eyes off of the road since they’d left, and he was only speaking when spoken to.

He had been clenching his teeth together, even tighter than they were bound, which he hadn’t realized until he spoke.

“Ouch,” he muttered, relaxing his jaw and rubbing it with his free hand. “Did John text again?”

Aaron shook his head no. Leaning towards the steering wheel, Alexander tensed up again and took a deep breath, wishing more than anything that he could have been with John at that moment. Just thinking about his boyfriend alone, scared, and heartbroken on the train was enough to make him feel nauseous to the point of dizziness.

“How long have you been—dating—him?” Charles prompted. “I mean, I feel like if you talk about it you’ll feel better, you know? How did you meet?”

They both ignored him.

“Seriously though, you okay, Lex?” Aaron asked quietly. “We’re gonna get there, okay? We’re gonna get you to him.”

Charles piped up from the backseat.

“How long till we get there, by the way? Just wondering…because tomorrow morning my friends and I are going out and I want to make sure I get enough sleep because I’m not sure how long we’re going to be out for, y’know?”

Aaron rolled his eyes and Alexander felt an extremely irrational bout of rage fire up inside of him.

“Charles fucking Lee, no offence, but I’m going to need you to stop asking stupid fucking questions right fucking now. I frankly don’t give a shit how long it takes to get there, and I don’t give a shit that you care. So please, for the love of god, do us all a favour and shut the fuck up for the next two and a half hours! Go to sleep, play on your phone, or sit there and stare at the back of my head, I don’t give a shit! Just let me think for ten seconds. I don’t need to hear about you and your friends! Got it!?”

Charles recoiled into the backseat of the car, eyes wide and staring at the floor. From the rearview mirror, Alexander could tell that his face was bright red. He felt a bit badly for snapping at his not-cousin, but he truthfully couldn’t bring himself to care too much—his mind was otherwise occupied.

“Wow, harsh,” Aaron said under his breath as Charles stuffed his earbuds into his ears. “But called for.”

Aaron left Alexander pretty much to his thoughts after that, except for reading out the odd text from John, to which Alexander verbally responded.

After awhile, Charles pulled out an earbud and leaned forward.

“Alex,” he began. “Are you sure you don’t wanna talk about it?”

Alexander’s eyes widened in anger as he stared at the road, willing himself not to say anything hurtful.

“Charles,” Aaron piped up, knowing full well that Alexander was about to explode. “He’s going to pummel you.”

And that’s how the road trip was going.

John leaned his forehead against the cool glass window of the bumping train and took a deep breath. He was thinking about the events of the day, which had surely been the longest day of his life.

He closed his eyes and was instantly lost inside his head.

I’m late. Fuck, he’s going to kill me. Why do I keep screwing up like this? I’m frantic as I run down my street, chased by one of my friends.

“John!” he calls. “Slow down!”

“My dad is going to be so mad,” I say, panting.

“It’s your sixteenth birthday; he won’t mind you being a little late!”

My friend, however, doesn’t know that I’d promised to spend the night watching baseball with my father. He had told me that it was the one day per year he wants to hang out with me, which is true. He isn’t asking for too much. And yet I still fuck it up. He doesn’t deserve this.

I stop suddenly, hands on my knees and my stomach erupting with nauseous butterflies. I feel so, so guilty.

“I’m sorry, I have to go,” I say, turning to sprint the rest of the way home.

“Well happy birthday, I guess,” I hear my friend call.

I don’t turn back.

When I burst into the house, the sound of the television makes me freeze. The game is already on. Bottom of the second. I had missed almost two entire innings. I am so selfish.

“Hi, Dad,” I say slowly, hoping that he is not too angry.

“Happy birthday, John,” he says. I sigh in relief at the greeting. His voice is calculated, careful, but after all I haven’t missed too much of the game. I go into the kitchen and grab a beer for my father before joining him on the couch.

“Why don’t you have one, kid?” he says, handing the bottle back to me. “Happy birthday.”

I smile and twist the cap off, taking a long sip of the bitter liquid. I try not to spit it out. It’s not pleasant, but I don’t want to be rude.

“That’s all I need,” I say, smiling, and hand the drink back to my father. “Sorry I’m late.”

Dad tells me that it’s alright and ruffles my hair. I groan, but I am giggling and we cheer as we watch our team score the first run of the game.

“It’s funny,” my father says slowly. I raise an eyebrow. “I was going to take you to this game tonight…bought the tickets and everything.”

The colour drains from my face. His eyes harden, reflecting the baseball game in the irises.

“You should have told—”

“I WANTED IT TO BE A SURPRISE, JOHN.”

I whimper, recoiling into the couch. I am afraid, guilt-ridden, helpless. I should have been home earlier. 

I ruined my birthday.

I ruined his day.

“I don’t mind watching it on TV.” I try to make my father feel better.

He shakes his head without looking at me. He pulls something out of his pocket, rips it in half, and throws the pieces at me. I pick them up.

The tickets.

Dad takes another sip of his beer and turns back to the game, putting the empty bottle on the table beside him.

“Dad—” I say, blinking back tears. I feel so guilty. It is all my fault.

“Shut UP, John. Just watch the game.” I nod and a sniffle escapes my nose before I can stop it. “Are you crying?”

I quickly shake my head, trying to wipe my eyes from which tears are now freely falling.

Dad stands up. He towers over me.

“I SAID, John, it’s FINE. Don’t be a pussy.”

I gulp and it is involuntary but I whimper and before I know it my cheek is stinging burning hot and Dad’s hand is stretched out and it makes me cry harder so he snatches my upper arm and pulls me so that I am standing up. My arm hurts, it hurts, my cheek hurts and I almost cry out in pain but I stop myself before I do because I know that this is my own fault. My sniffles earn me another quick smack on the other cheek but I brave up and take it like a man because that’s what Dad wants. It stings and I flinch but I do not cry because I am a man and I am my father’s son. I am strong.

“Are you done?” he asks coldly. I have made him really mad.

I nod, wiping what I hope are the last of the tears from my face.

“There, there, John. There we go…it’s alright,” Dad says. He rubs my cheek where I can still feel the sting of his hand and I rub my arm where I can still feel the pressure of his strong fingers. 

This is what we do. This is how we bond. We get through things together. Now he is feeling better and so I am feeling better.

He sits back down on the couch just in time for the commercials to end.

The score is 1-0.

I get Dad another beer.

John was bumped out of the trance he’d fallen into by the drink cart smashing against his knee.

“FUCK,” he screamed in pain, ignoring the angry parents who glared at him for swearing.

“I am so sorry, sir!” said the man pushing the drink cart. “So, so sorry.”

John grumblingly pulled his knee back into his seat and shrugged, eyes watering still visibly shaken from his flashback episode. Relatively, his knee did not hurt. Not compared to his brain and his heart and everything else that had been figuratively injured that day.

When James and John had gone to the hospital to see their father, they were greeted in front of the closed door of his room by two police officers filling out a report. John’s stomach sank when he entered the room as he noticed that his father had been handcuffed to the hospital bed.

Just down the hall, John watched a doctor tell a family that their daughter had been hit by a car and that, despite their best efforts, they were unable to save her. John and James sat on the floor in the corridor and listened to the horrific screams of the absolute pain of loss, and knew that it was their father’s fault. They didn’t react. They couldn’t react. John knew that if he reacted to the pain that tore through his body in waves and threatened to rip him apart that he would never recover.

He stood up and paced the hallway, ignoring his father. He hadn’t said a word to him since they’d gotten there. He went to the cafeteria and got a coffee, enjoying the burn it left on his tongue. It distracted him from the pain in his mind. When he returned to their corridor, James still hadn’t moved. He was staring expressionlessly at the gurney across from which he sat.

“James,” John said in a hoarse whisper.

James shook his head.

“James.”

They looked at each other. James motioned for John to sit back down beside him. When he did, he put his arm around John’s smaller shoulders, pulling his face into his neck. As soon as John felt his brother’s hair tickle his face, he started crying. He was hysterical, panting and whimpering, snot dripping from his nose. Tears fell silently from James’ eyes as well as he held his brother.

They stayed like that until John was too tired and dehydrated to cry anymore. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but they’d been checked on by a nurse twice so it must have been quite awhile.  

Finally, when John couldn’t sit still anymore he stood up.

“I’ll be back,” he announced in a weak voice. James nodded without looking at him.

That was when John took the bus home, packed what little clothing he’d brought in a bag, and left the house. On his way out the door, he snatched his father’s wallet and stuffed it in his pocket. He went back to the bus stop and rode around the city until they stopped at the train station.

In a trance, John walked up to the kiosk and stared at the lady.

“Where ya going?” she asked him, smiling. John tried to smile back, but it didn’t work.

“Uhh…I’m not sure.”

The lady raised an eyebrow and leaned forward in her booth. “Are you alone? Are you okay?”

“Yeah—uh—I’m fine. I—when’s the next train to Virginia leave?”

“An hour from now.”

“Any tickets left?” John asked. He had no idea what he was doing but he hadn’t stopped long enough to think about it.

“Yes.”



“I’ll take one.”

He pulled out his father’s wallet and swiped his credit card. Before he knew it, he was on a train.

James: Where did you go? And how long till you get back?

John: a while.

John was brought back to reality by the speakers throughout the train announcing their arrival at Norfolk station. Taking a deep breath, he got to his feet, hiked his backpack onto his shoulder, and took his suitcase out of the luggage compartment as the train rolled to a stop.

As John got in line to walk towards the exit, he realized he was shaking all over. He had no idea what to expect. Did Lex come by himself? It was almost two o’clock in the morning—surely someone was with him. But who? His father? Would he be mad at John?

The more John thought, the more he realized what a rash and stupid this decision this was—he had no money, no plan, and nobody except Alexander even knew that he’d left town, let alone his state.

He begun to panic as he stepped off the train, enveloped in the sudden darkness that meant he was underground. John’s breathing was coming in quick, short bursts as he began to see black spots pop in front of his eyes. He was bleakly unaware of his surroundings as he walked, unsure of which direction he was going. He vaguely noticed that it was colder here and that he shouldn’t have been wearing shorts. The goosebumps that stretched and tightened his skin made John feel like he was suffocating and he grew dizzy as he found a spot to sit down, sliding against the cool brick wall until the backs of his legs hit the hard, concrete ground. John put his head between his knees and told himself to breathe. No matter what, he needed to breathe. Just breathe, John, damn it. All he needed was to breathe and the rest would come, right? After a while, this had to—

“John.”

And, oh great, now he was hearing voices. He hadn’t had a panic attack in years, but he could feel this one quickly approaching and was unsure he’d be able to stop it. Just breathe, John. Just—fucking—br—

“JOHN!”

At this, John snapped his head up, ignoring the dizzy spell the quick action brought on. He recognized the voice that time; it hadn’t just been in his head.

Once the crowds of people cleared, John could see Alexander walking quickly towards him, concern plastered on his face probably because he was wondering why the hell John was sitting on the ground.

As soon as John saw him, all of his anxiety seemed to melt away. Somehow, miraculously, everything that he had done made sense.

“Oh, Lex,” he murmured, standing up and closing the gap between them. As soon as he reached Alexander’s outstretched arms, which pulled him into a tight hug, John broke down in a renewed round of sobbing. He was so exhausted and had waited so long, and it had been such a long day and it could finally end.

“Shh,” Alex whispered, laying his cheek on the top of John’s head. “It’s okay now, John…everything is going to work out, okay? You’re safe now.”

“I l-love you,” John spluttered hysterically.

“I love you, John,” Alex replied. His voice was steady. He was his rock. “Come on, let’s get you home.”