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sweetrevengeance · 8 years

Text

Don’t Close Your Eyes

pairing: Philip Shea/Lukas Waldenbeck (Eyewitness)

word count: 3228

trigger warnings: !! suicide attempt !!

A/N: yo!! this is a birthday gift for my bestest bro Gabe!!! h8 to make u sad on ur birthday bud but ur the one who requested self harm Philip for ur birthday so ur wish is my command I guess!!

Read it on ao3 here.

It took Lukas a little while to warm up to being out. It had taken him multiple grueling months beforehand to even begin to come to terms with himself, and making that public took a toll on him at first. He never regretted it, because he loved Philip, but a part of him wished it had just been easier. Once the initial shock died down - when people stopped pausing him in the hallways to say ridiculous things like so which one of you is the girl? or it’s such a shame. you were so cute when you were straight. - Lukas couldn’t have been more of a romantic. When people stopped talking so much and he stopped caring so much about what those people thought, the world became a lot easier to navigate for Lukas, because his mind was set on only one thing almost all the time: loving Philip. If someone had told him that first night in the cabin that one day he, Lukas actual Waldenbeck, would be kissing Philip Shea by his locker every morning, strutting around all proud and giddy with his fingers sewn between Philip’s in between every class, loving this boy in plain sight and everyone knew, he probably would have punched them for saying something so insane. And maybe that’s what it took him so long to get over; the notion that loving Philip made something wrong with him. But, with a little bit of soul searching and a couple of near death experiences, Lukas embraced who he was and who he loved, and he decided everyone else should embrace it, too. To make up for all the time he spent unfairly forcing Philip into the dark, Lukas made sure everyone in the whole wide world that was Tivoli, New York knew that he loved Philip and wasn’t afraid to admit it anymore.

It was one of those mornings, when Lukas was feeling so extraordinarily in love and wanted to show it off. It was hardly 9 AM when Lukas pulled himself out of bed on a Saturday morning to bike down to the local florist and pick up a fresh bouquet of purple and blue flowers. Philip hated roses, but he liked flowers in general. Mostly, he liked sticking them in Lukas’ hair and taking cheesy polaroids, but Lukas was always up for that, since it always made Philip smile.

He thanked the young woman behind the counter when she handed him the small but beautiful bundle of flowers. He checked his phone for the time (9:32 AM), but found his screen displaying a message also. It was a text from Philip, reading simply: I love you, Lukas. He abandoned any idea of trying to surprise Philip with breakfast in bed or anything, but he had sort of figured that would be the case unless he woke up really early. Philip didn’t sleep very much anymore; he was always awake before Lukas. Typing out a quick response about loving him too, Lukas wondered if Philip had similar romantic plans for the morning, considering the random outburst of affectional declaration. He silently hoped a small bouquet of flowers would be enough as he climbed back onto his bike and shoved the helmet over his head.

With the flowers in his lap tucked half under his shirt, the sound of Lukas’ motorbike was almost the only thing breaking the small town air. It only took him a few minutes to drive through town and end up in the familiar driveway to Helen and Gabe’s house. He could probably drive there in his sleep, seeing the amount of time he’d come to spend in Philip’s bedroom or at their dinner table. He brought his bike to a stop on the lawn, noting the absence of cars around him and concluding that both Helen and Gabe weren’t home - Helen almost certainly at the sheriff station, Gabe probably out grocery shopping or enjoying the early June sunshine out on the water. He smiled. He loved Helen and Gabe like family, but sometimes being alone with Philip was greatly preferred. Lukas peeled off his helmet and gloves and swung a leg over his bike, dismounting. He tussed up his hair a little bit to get the shape of the helmet out of it and regripped the flowers in his hand. He was only a little bit concerned that Philip hadn’t walked out the door yet. Usually, the sound of his bike lured Philip to greet him with a kiss on the front porch, but the old screen door stayed perfectly in place, even as Lukas climbed the few porch steps.

He knocked thrice, loudly enough to be heard, but there was still no sign of Philip. Lukas knew he was awake because of the text, and he waited almost a full minute at the door, but it seemed it wasn’t going to get opened from the inside. His mind wandered as to why Philip wouldn’t answer the door. Was he right about Philip also pulling a romantic gesture this morning? Was it some sort of surprise? Was he even home? Maybe Philip had walked to Lukas’ house when Lukas was riding to his? Whatever the case, Lukas waited a few more seconds before finally bending down to grab the spare key from beneath the potted plant next to his feet. He unlocked the door and let himself in, not for the first time.

Upon initial entry, the house was eerily quiet. He was certainly right that Helen and Gabe weren’t home, but it didn’t sound like anyone was. The air felt too cold, the atmosphere was too hard to swallow correctly. It just seemed strange. Kicking off his riding boots, Lukas stepped into the kitchen, where a flash of eggshell white got caught in his peripheral. There was an envelope sitting hastily on the kitchen table with his name scrawled on the front.

The seemingly empty house and the single letter could have confirmed Lukas’ romantic suspicions if the handwriting on the envelope wasn’t so off. Philip didn’t have extraordinary penmanship to begin with, but the letters looked shaky and rushed like the pen was fighting with the fingers holding it. The breaks and waves in the blue inked Lu Lukas seemed so telltale of uncertainty - hell, he had to try to write the name twice, and even then it looked wobbly and uneasy. The envelope filled Lukas with worry.

He set down the flowers on the table, his fingers brushing over the paper in front of him nervously. He picked it up and read his name again before turning it over in his hands and opening up the flap on the back. It hadn’t even been sealed. A somewhat crumpled piece of notebook paper covered in the same blue pen ink was folded inside. It was blotchy and smudged in multiple places. Lukas only needed to read the first line to understand the situation. He dropped the letter and ran.

Luckily Lukas’ feet were functioning better than his mind. His head was so filled with anxiety and adrenaline and genuine dread that he could barely conjure a coherent thought, but his legs carried him up the stairs and around a corner to Philip’s bedroom. He swung the door open, his eyes darting across every inch of the quiet room, searching for something he didn’t want to find. But the room was empty, Philip was nowhere in sight.

“Shit.” Lukas breathed, his voice no more than a panicked whisper.

His head was still swimming in fear, his heart still pumping unrelentlessly. He turned and ran back down the stairs, turning a few more corners until he reached the bathroom. He was thankful he knew the house’s interior like the back of his bike. He darted out a hand and wriggled the doorknob to the bathroom. The door shook, but didn’t open. It was locked.

“Shit!” He proclaimed, louder this time. “Philip!”

The locked door undeniably revealed that Philip was inside, but no answer was given. Lukas called his name again, louder, more desperate, banging his fist on the door.

It was no use. He hoped against all hope that Philip was just ignoring him or knocked out. He hoped he wasn’t too late. He needed to get into the bathroom. With his heart hammering below his skin, Lukas made a decision. The house was old. The door was wooden. He needed to get to Philip.

Taking a step back and as deep a breath as he could muster in his panicked state, Lukas drew back his leg and pushed all of his force into the swing of a kick. His heel smashed against the bathroom door, just under the doorknob. It hurt like hell and he probably should have left his boots on, but the shot of pain prickling through his foot was the last thing on his mind. He reeled back and kicked again, hearing a crack this time. It only took him one more kick and the door flew open, its hinges whining. He scrambled to recover his balance. Head rushing and out of breath, Lukas finally stepped into the bathroom.

His stomach dropped.

His breath caught in his throat, and despite his pulse thundering through his veins, he swore his heart stopped.

Philip was lying in the bathtub, his eyes closed, his chest rising and falling alarmingly slowly. His arms and torso were covered in blood. His left arm was hanging off the edge of the tub, a razor blade lying on the floor perpendicular to it. Thick, dark droplets of red trailed across his palm and dripped slowly onto the floor, lingering on his fingertips for as long as possible until gravity pulled them from his skin. A small puddle was already formed on the tile. His other arm was resting weakly on his stomach, where the blood had pooled so much his hand was more red than pale. Deep, cavernous gashes shone on each of his wrists, blood still draining out of them, as it ostensibly had been for a while. Lukas yelled.

“Philip! Holy shit, no. No, no, no. Fuck!” He rushed to the tub, his head screaming at him not to panic and do something but his body refusing to come up with anything useful and panicking nonetheless. He dropped to his knees next to the tub, the small puddle from Philip’s left arm soaking into his jeans. The warmth of the blood snapped him into survival mode.

He yanked a towel from the rack behind him, taking Philip’s arm from the edge of the tub and tying the cloth tightly around his wrist. Philip winced a little, his eyes stirring slowly. Lukas frantically searched for another towel, but to no avail. Instead, he peeled the dark flannel off his shoulders and knotted it securely around Philip’s other wrist. His ankle was still throbbing from the door, but he didn’t care in the slightest. Once pressure was applied to both wrists, he reached into his pant pocket to pull out his phone. He slid to the emergency call screen and dialed 9-1-1 as fast as his shaking fingers could. The generic 9-1-1, what’s your emergency? greeted his ear a moment later.

“I need an ambulance! My boyfriend, he - he tried to kill himself and he’s bleeding so much and -” He couldn’t make it through the whole sentence. Saying the words out loud forced the welling in his eyes to spill over and his voice to break with a small sob.

“Sir, what’s the location?”

Lukas spat out the address into the phone, hanging up once the woman assured him an ambulance was on its way.

“Philip, hey, can you hear me?” Lukas asked desperately, bringing both his hands to the side of Philip’s face, slapping his cheeks a little bit in an attempt to make him coherent. Philip tilted his head and groaned lowly, and Lukas let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

“Philip, it’s me, it’s Lukas. P-Please say something.” He was still crying, harder now. It took Philip a full five seconds to open his eyes, and those few moments felt like years to Lukas.

“Lukas?” Philip’s voice was weak and depleted, but it was there.

“I’m right here, baby. I-I called an ambulance, you’re gonna be okay. Please, I need you to be okay.” He shook Philip’s head a little bit with nervous gesticulations.

Philip winced and drew his hand up sluggishly to grip Lukas’ arm, just below where the blond was touching his face. “I’m sorry, Lukas. I love you. I’m sorry.”

“No!” Lukas shouted as Philip’s eyes drooped half way and he put his hand back on his stomach. “Philip! I love you so much, please - please just stay with me. Please.” He took one hand from Philip’s face and grabbed his boyfriend’s hand, ignoring the blood that smeared across his fingers.

“Don’t close your eyes, Philip, please. Look at me, yeah? Look at me. Please, please stay with me, Philip.”

Philip’s eyes fluttered, alternating between giving up and falling closed and struggling to meet Lukas’ gaze. He was trying, and that was all Lukas could do until the ambulance arrived - make Philip keep trying, keep holding on. So he kept squeezing Philip’s hand and he kept rambling about how much he loved and needed Philip and he kept crying, waiting for the sound of sirens to make its way into Helen and Gabe’s driveway.

***

Lukas hated hospitals. He hated the stale air, the way it hung all heavy and musty around his head, clouding his windpipe with distant stenches of dismay. He hated the lights, always too bright in the way that made them somehow not bright enough, flickering lowly like they were trying to steal the life from the patients and take it for themselves. He hated the waiting rooms, the way everyone looked at each other with pity in their gazes, trying to gauge who had it the worst or who’d been sitting there the longest. He hated not knowing if his boyfriend was alive or not.

For probably the fourth time in a minute, Lukas found his hands tugging his hair and his elbows digging into his knees. His uninjured foot bounced anxiously up and down without relent, shaking his whole body. His other ankle had stopped throbbing thanks to the pain meds a nurse forced him to take. It was wrapped too tightly in an ace bandage. Apparently he’d sprained it kicking down the door, but honestly he couldn’t care less with no news of Philip still. It had been almost two hours. Two hours of Lukas jittering and sitting hunched over with his head down, Gabe occasionally placing a comforting hand on his back, Helen pacing and bickering with nurses, and people staring solemnly at them all, wondering what horror brought them in. Lukas’ mouth was dry. He couldn’t wait any longer.

Just as he was half-legitimately contemplating going on a small rampage, throwing open every door in the entire hospital until he found Philip, a tired looking nurse in that ugly off-white uniform stepped into the waiting room with a clipboard under her arm.

“The family of Philip Shea?”

Lukas was on his feet and in front of the nurse so fast his head spun. Gabe and Helen were by his side in less than three seconds. “What’s going on? Is he…?”

“Philip is in stable condition,” Lukas exhaled at the nurse’s proclamation, relief flooding his brain and his heart. Philip was alive. “But he lost a lot of blood so he’s pretty weak and tired. We don’t want to overwhelm him, so we’re asking only one visitor at a time.”

Lukas looked almost pleadingly at Helen and Gabe, giving them a small it’s your call shrug.

“Go, Lukas.” Gabe nodded, draping an arm around his wife and blinking back tears. “He’ll want to see you most.”

“Thank you.” Lukas breathed. He knew Helen and Gabe were just as worried, and he appreciated greatly that they let him go first.

“Right this way.” The nurse smiled softly. She had that kind of smile you have to have to work in a hospital; the shit sucks but I have to be polite about it smile. He followed her down two hallways, taking a left and then a right until she stopped outside a closed door. “I’ll give you two some time.”

Lukas could hear his pulse in his ears. The cold metal of the doorknob stung his hand. He turned it quickly and stepped into the room.

Philip was propped up in the bed, a faded blue hospital gown hanging loosely on his shoulders and torso. An IV bag was dripping slowly and steadily into his right arm. Slightly stained bandages wrapped both of his wrists. His eyes opened halfway upon hearing someone’s entrance.

“Hey, Lukas.” Philip piped up, his voice small and croaky. He shot a sad smile toward the door. Lukas rushed to the bedside, pulling up a chair from along the wall and sitting down, grabbing his boyfriend’s hand gently.

“Hey, Philip.” Only two words and Lukas’ voice was already cracking, his eyes welling up for the umpteenth time. Philip saved him momentarily from having to try to talk through his tears.

“Listen, I- I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have put you through this. Helen and Gabe, too, none of you deserved this. I really didn’t mean to hurt anyone - well, except myself. I was just so - I’m just - I couldn’t -”

“Hey, hey.” It was Lukas’ turn to save Philip from trying to talk. “You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. No one is upset with you. We’re all just relieved that you’re alive. You don’t know how badly I needed you to be okay, and you are, and that’s all that matters to me. I really don’t know what I’d do without you, Philip.” He reached a hand to Philip’s cheek. The last time his hand was in that position, Philip was covered in blood and nearly comatose. He blinked the image out of his mind.

“I love you, Lukas. I should’ve come to you, I’m sorry.” Philip shook his head, the first droplet of water running down his face.

“It’s okay, babe, you don’t have to keep apologizing.” Lukas swept the moisture away with the pad of his thumb. “I love you, too. So, so much.”

As if to prove his point further, Lukas leaned down to press a kiss to Philip’s lips. It was soft and sweet and absolutely bursting with love and life.

“Will you stay?” Philip mumbled against Lukas’ mouth, voice pleading.

“Of course.” He figured they’d have to let Gabe and Helen in eventually, especially if Philip said he wanted them all there, so Lukas would stay with his boyfriend until then. Philip pulled back to shuffle over, wincing at the weight he put on his wrists. There wasn’t really enough room for both of them on the single bed, but neither really cared, and Lukas climbed into the small space Philip had cleared for him. He slung an arm behind Philip’s waist and kissed his temple. Strands of unkempt brunet hair splayed across Lukas’ shirt when Philip settled into his chest. Philip closed his eyes, and Lukas’ heart and stomach felt light with the knowledge that this time, he knew they would open again.

Find more of my writing here or here.

#wooooo boy this one was killer to write #killer as in it was fun to write but also as in it literally fucking killed me. im deceased #anyways!! happy birthday gabe i love u #sorry I almost killed ur son on ur birthday :/#okay boring tags ahead #philkas #eyewitness #philkas fic #philip shea #lukas waldenbeck #philip x lukas #philip shea x lukas waldenbeck #philkas forever #sad fic #fanfiction #yeet #my writing #shut up heather #otp: does your stomach hurt?

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andromeda---galaxy · 7 years

Text

five photographs

Memories of the five main photographs in Philip’s photography portfolio

Philip walked down their hallway, his keys in his mouth as he finished off his text to Gabe. He sent it, slipped his phone into his pocket and stuck his key into the lock. His workshop was cancelled and he had yet to get an answer from Lukas, so he figured he was gonna surprise him.

“Hey,” Philip said, as he pushed his way into the apartment. “Did you get my message?

He looked around, only heard music blaring from their bedroom. The dogs ran up to him, both jumping and panting, and Philip spared them a couple pets before moving towards the sound. “Lukas?” he called, narrowing his eyes.

Philip put his bag down on the bed, getting more and more interested in what Lukas was doing. The bathroom door was open and as Philip turned the corner he saw Lukas standing there in front of the mirror. There was a pizza box on the counter, open with two pieces missing, a half-eaten one sitting precariously on the edge. Lukas was swinging his hips back and forth to some loud, fast song Philip didn’t recognize, but more importantly, his hair was full of foils and sticking up every which way. There was bleach in a paper bowl in the sink, a bunch of brushes and clips close to their toothbrush cup.

Lukas’s eyes found Philip in the mirror and went wide.

Philip just stared at him, covering his own mouth.

“Hey,” Lukas said, still, blinking over and over. He clicked the music off, and the silence was thick. “You’re, uh, you—you’re supposed—I had like, two hours. To do this.”

Philip felt delight boiling over in his stomach. “Cancelled workshop,” he said. “And I—don’t know why I’m shocked to see this. I’ve—I’ve always known it happened but I’ve only ever seen the result but this is—this is just—”

“You weren’t supposed to see this—”

“Oh, I’m seeing it—”

“Philip!” Lukas whined, bracing his hand on the counter but still not turning around. “I need to keep some kind of air of mystery—”

“Babe, you fart in bed all the time, there is no mystery left—”

Lukas hung his head.

Philip grinned, chills of pure happiness spreading out over his shoulders. “You look so fucking cute, it’s like—criminal.”

Lukas turned around and it was even better from the front, two of the foils closest to the part in his hair sticking up like antenna. “I’ve hidden this from you—”

“Lukas—”

“I don’t care if anyone sees this, you could show George Clooney and I wouldn’t give a shit, but you—”

Philip stepped forward, taking Lukas’s hands. “You are so dumb.”

Lukas pouted at him. “This isn’t attractive,” he said. “I was like, I’ve been wondering if I should stop bleaching it—”

“You know I like you blond,” Philip said, and he had the inclination to run his hand through Lukas’s hair, but there was no way to accomplish that with all the foils. But it brought his attention to it again and he grinned, another wave of joy running through him. “You can do whatever you want, but I love your hair and I love—this—just as much. So cute, Lukas, I can’t.”

Lukas raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

“So really,” Philip said, leaning in and kissing him hard. “Really really.”

“You’re not lying?” Lukas asked, against Philip’s lips.

“Nope,” Philip said. “Opposite of lying. You’re the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Lukas smiled then, blush blooming in his cheeks. “I’m sorry I’m eating right now,” he said. “I wasn’t expecting you—did you eat?”

“A little bit,” Philip said, kissing him again and moving over towards the counter, picking up a piece of pizza and taking a bite. He couldn’t stop looking at him, how fucking adorable he looked. It felt like something precious that he got to see, that no one else was privy to. “How much longer do you have to have the foils in?” he asked.

Lukas sighed, a sheepish little smile on his face. “Like half an hour. It’d be faster if I had a hair dryer but I never got one because I didn’t want you to find it.”

Philip nearly spit out his pepperoni. “Lukas,” he said. “I don’t think your hair magically becomes blond, I know you’re naturally dark-haired, you could have—you’re so dumb, I love you.”

“I love you too,” Lukas said, a smile still tugging at his mouth. “Do you love me enough to buy me a hair dryer?”

“I’ll get you ten,” Philip said, taking another bite of his pizza. He stared at him for too long, probably, because Lukas widened his eyes and laughed, throwing his arms out.

“What?” Lukas said, still laughing. “This can’t be cute to you. It really can’t be.”

“I need to take your picture,” Philip said.

Lukas nearly choked. “What?” he said. “Every time you’ve said that lately it’s gone into the portfolio pile—”

“Yup,” Philip said, putting down his crust and marching out into the bedroom. “It’ll be my Mona Lisa.”

“Oh my God.”

Philip snatched up his camera and ran back, standing just outside the bathroom door. Lukas stared at him for a second, the overhead lights catching on the foils and shining. Lukas clicked his tongue and reached over, grabbing another piece of pizza.

Philip gasped. “Oh, perfect,” he said.

“Really?”

Philip snapped a couple pictures. “Take a bite of it,” he said.

“Does this turn you on?” Lukas asked, taking a bite of the slice just like Philip asked.

Philip zoomed in, trying to frame the shot. “Yes!” he said, taking a few more pictures, one after the other. “I love this Lukas. I love foils Lukas.”

Lukas grinned around the pizza and Philip’s heart sang with the depth of how much he fucking loved everything that was happening right then. “Foils Lukas,” Lukas said, chuckling.

“So cute! About to be so much blonder!” Philip took a couple more pictures.

“You’re gonna show people these?” Lukas asked, making eye contact.

“Can I?” Philip asked.

Lukas took another bite and raised an eyebrow, making for another good photo. “Yeah,” he said. “You really think I look cute? And not dumb? I know you’re the worst person to ask—”

Philip held the camera down and frowned at him. “I am the best person to ask. And you’re the cutest. Never, ever dumb.” The opposite of dumb. The best person Philip knew. The most ideal muse, his favorite subject. Especially in the midst of dying his hair.

It was super rare that Philip ever took naps and he startled himself out of one, blinking when he heard Izzy’s loud snores. He looked over at the clock and saw that it was only six pm, which kinda sucked because he knew this would fuck up his sleep later that night.

There was a blanket draped over him and he stretched, looking around for Lukas. They’d been home from the cruise for two days and Lukas had been absolutely killing himself trying to be perfect. Philip had just kinda let him, his exhaustion settling into his bones and dragging him down. But soon enough he was gonna tell him to cool it, that it was all fine, because it was. It was fine.

He sat up, rubbing his eyes, and when he looked to his right he noticed that the window to the fire escape was open. He leaned back so he could look out the window right behind him, and he saw Lukas out there, not wearing a shirt, just swinging his legs over the side.

Philip hummed a little bit to himself and creaked to his feet, walking over and climbing out of the window, too.

“Hey,” he said, walking over and sitting beside him.

Lukas jumped a little bit, covering his heart. “You scared me.”

“Sorry,” Philip said, rubbing his back. “What the hell are you doing out here? Shirtless.”

Lukas snorted. “You like the shirtlessness?”

“Duh,” Philip said, smiling at him. There was a new billboard for Wild Turkey on the building across from their apartment, and it buzzed orange, on and off, creating an other-worldly glow at all hours of the night. It shined on Lukas, and even though Philip’s eyes regularly gravitated to the bullet wound on his chest, it seemed like he was being drawn in by it. Like the edges of it were standing out in stark relief, carved a little deeper in the orange light. Philip tried to focus. “So why’re you out here and not cuddling me during my unscheduled nap?”

“I wish,” Lukas said. He looked run-down. “I was just on the phone with dad and I came out here so I wouldn’t disturb you.”

“Everything okay?” Philip asked, tracing his hand over Lukas’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” Lukas said, but his face claimed otherwise. He swung his legs back and forth over the side of the fire escape. There were a few loud sirens in the distance, and Lukas sighed. “It’s just like—I don’t know, it was okay, things are still a little weird, but then I hear Sarah in the background and it just like—my face gets all hot and I start stuttering and like—I don’t know. I know I need to chill out, especially after what happened and I’m trying—”

“I know,” Philip said, eager to soothe him. He rubbed the back of Lukas’s neck, leaning in and kissing his cheek. “I know, it’s okay.”

Lukas dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. “I’m just sorry,” he whispered, his voice thick and raspy. “I keep like, thinking about it, all of it, I was looking at those cuts on your feet—”

Philip kissed Lukas’s shoulder. “They don’t hurt, it’s fine—”

“It’s just like, another thing that we can add to the list of my dumbass failures,” Lukas said, looking at him. “It’s just—”

Philip reached out and pressed his fingers to Lukas’s lips. “Stop torturing yourself. It’s over, it happened, we’re learning from it. You know I get it, get why—you were angry, are still—weird about it. I just want you to keep me involved, and you know that.” He let his hand slide away, wrapping it around Lukas’s shoulder now. Lukas leaned into him. “We’re—a team. When you hurt, I hurt. I never want you to turn to drinking or drugs or whatever when you have me here.”

He thought about his mom, then, how her doing drugs always felt like her turning away from him. He worried about it with Lukas during all the hell in high school, and on the cruise, seeing all those empty bottles—they liked to drink, but 99% of the time they did it together. And never under sad circumstances, never when they were afraid or down. It worried him. Struck him, made him feel separate.

“Don’t worry,” Lukas said, like he was reading his mind. He kissed Philip’s forehead. “I was just being dumb, you know—my default setting.”

Philip shook his head, brushing Lukas’s hair back. “We should hang with her more, when we go back to visit. Like less—cruise time, trying to make up for what happened time, more…just hanging out, actually getting to know her time.”

“Probably a good idea,” Lukas said, sniffling a little bit.

It tugged at Philip’s heart. He tipped Lukas’s face towards him and brought their mouths together, kissing him a couple times, softly. “I’m gonna go make dinner,” Philip whispered, kissing Lukas’s chin.

“You’re gonna cook?” Lukas asked, smiling a little bit.

“I’m gonna make an attempt,” Philip said, winking at him.

“I can, babe,” Lukas said, leaning towards him as Philip got to his feet. “I’ll make that chicken—”

“I’ll make that chicken,” Philip said, pushing Lukas’s hair back again. “Or, I’m gonna try to make that chicken and not poison us to death.”

Lukas snorted. “I’ll help you.”

“Okay,” Philip said. He walked a little towards the window but the orange glow caught his eye. Dusk was settling and night was falling over the city, the buildings sparkling and looming tall in the sky. The glow was illuminating Lukas like a full body halo, and Philip had to capture it.

“Stay right there,” he said, pointing at him.

“For how long?” Lukas asked, narrowing his eyes.

“Just a sec,” Philip said, climbing back into the apartment. His camera was sitting on the coffee table because he was going through his cruise photos earlier—he grabbed it, trying not to trip over his own feet getting back to the window. Their fire escape wasn’t huge and Philip shoved himself into the corner, adjusting the shutter speed on his camera. He leaned back over the edge of the railing, situating himself and the shot.

Lukas narrowed his eyes. “Babe, careful.”

Philip tried to work with the light so Lukas’s scar was in focus and properly illuminated. He always thought of how easily Lukas could have been taken away from him. But he tried not to think of the scar as evidence that he was almost lost—he thought of it as a reminder that he survived. That he made it.

“Stop making that face,” Philip said.

Lukas cocked his head and Philip snapped a photo. “What face?”

“Pissy face.”

Lukas stuck his tongue out and squeezed his eyes shut.

“No!” Philip exclaimed. “You’re the worst model.”

“I am the best model.”

“Show me then, sexy.”

Lukas rolled his eyes but he was suppressing a major smile, and it was so fucking cute that Philip took about ten pictures in a row trying to catch it.

“Just look out,” Philip said. “Think of me.”

A soft, fond smile graced Lukas’s face then. And it was perfect.

Philip took Lukas back to Posh after his 21st birthday as a surprise, and at first Lukas didn’t even notice that it was the same gay club they’d gone to when they stole away to New York in high school, when they were trying to get away from it all. The same gay club he’d rejected in a huff. The same gay club they kissed outside of, in public, for the first time. He just stood there, looking around, and turned back to Philip with a sly smile on his face. Philip had to admit, despite how far they’d come and the changes Lukas had undergone, he was a little bit worried about what the reaction would be. But Lukas just smiled, looking around again like it was a new place, because he was a new person. Then he tugged Philip in by the belt loops and dragged him over to the bar to order a drink. They didn’t dance, they just sat and talked and made out in one of the back corners. It was a great time.

They went back again after they got engaged, because Lukas asked if they could. Philip could see the ghost of the past in there but the promise of the future too, and he doesn’t think he’s ever been more proud of anybody than he is of Lukas.

“You still got that Rick Anderton ID?” Philip asked, nudging into him.

“Somewhere,” Lukas said, grinning. He was about two and a half drinks in, the kind of drunk where he kept blinking really slowly and smiling when he realized that Philip was still there. The bartender had learned their names and kept coming over to check on them, give them water, and Philip felt really safe here. Everyone was laughing, smiling, dancing, getting to know each other. The past was slowly receding—all of it.

He loved the way it looked in here, with all the lights draping back and forth across the bar and the dance floor. It shimmered in neon hues, reflected off the bottles balanced behind the bar. He aimed his camera and took a picture—he’d been messing around with the settings, and he liked the active imagery he’d been getting in here.

Lukas wrapped his arms around Philip from behind, kissing his shoulder. “You like Rick Anderton more than me still?”

Philip laughed, bumping into the bar as Lukas stumbled forward. “Yes,” he said. “There’s just something sexy about him, I don’t know—I can’t put my finger on it—”

Lukas scoffed and turned Philip around, his camera getting caught between them. “What about Lukas?” Lukas asked, eyes wide. “Lukas is like, way—like way, way more attractive.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Philip shrugged, grinning up at Lukas. “I do like—this nose.” He reached out and ran the pad of his thumb over it.

“Yeah?” Lukas asked, holding his head high. “Anything else?”

Philip stared at him. Everything. Everything was his favorite. Every detail of Lukas was the best thing he’d ever looked at.

“Nah,” he said. “Just your nose.”

Lukas clicked his tongue and leaned in, kissing Philip on the tip of his own nose. “C’mon,” he said, tugging on Philip’s hand.

“What?” Philip asked, his brow furrowing.

“Wanna dance!”

“You?” Philip exclaimed, still being tugged along. “You or Rick Anderton?”

“Both!” Lukas yelled. He pulled Philip forward until they hit the edge of the dance floor and then he let go, bouncing around on the balls of his feet. The strobe lights were flying every which way and this wasn’t their kind of music, neither of them really danced, but fuck—Philip was mesmerized by him. A few other guys started dancing around next to him and Philip laughed—he remembered Lukas getting angry, stomping out and away that first time—he can’t imagine what it would have been like then if any of these men had tried to get near him. But he was dancing here and now without a care, adorably tipsy and ridiculously happy.

Philip took his picture. He took a bunch because everything was moving so fast and he couldn’t tell how they were coming out. He looked down and clicked through them, and one nearly took his breath away. Everything was alight, everyone in motion except for Lukas. He was clear and bright, a smile on his face and his eyes closed.

Probably the best damn photo Philip had ever taken.

“Come on, babe,” Lukas yelled. “Come on, come on! Your camera’ll be okay baby just dance with me!”

Philip grinned, knowing this was probably one of his only opportunities to dance with Lukas like this unless he specifically requests it. “I’m coming,” he said, walking in and taking Lukas’s outstretched hand.

Philip had never liked Times Square. There was always too much going on, and whenever he was there with Mom she never seemed happy. Like all the lights distracted her, took her somewhere else in her head, somewhere he had a hard time bringing her back from.

But when Helen and Gabe came up with Bo, the five of them went through the touristy route, hitting the Empire State Building, the One World Trade Center, Broadway and Times Square. Philip figured he could get a couple good pictures of them there. He always liked how Lukas looked lit up.

They pushed their way through crowds and Philip liked the way their parents followed him and Lukas around when they were here. Philip knew Helen could navigate the city, but she always let him lead when they came to visit. It made him feel good, and emphasized even more that this was their home.

Lukas bumped into Philip’s shoulder. “You think he’s acting weird?” he asked, quietly, briefly looking back over his shoulder.

“Your dad?” Philip asked, trying not to be too obvious.

“Yeah maybe,” Lukas said, shrugging as they continued to walk along. “Maybe talking too much?”

Philip snorted. “Maybe he’s just excited to be here.”

Lukas smiled a little bit. “Maybe. He just keeps talking like, way more than he usually does.”

“I think it’s pretty cute they’re all best friends now.”

“Yeah, like,” Lukas said, shaking his head, “going out to trivia nights and shit. Never would have thought, I guess he just needed some people to hang out with.”

Philip loved the way it felt, that their little broken families came together like puzzle pieces in so many different ways. He wished their lost people were here, but if they had to go on without them, he thought they were doing pretty good.

“Why is it so busy?” Helen called, as they rolled up on Times Square itself. “It’s almost midnight, Philip.”

Philip laughed at the way she said it, like it was his fault, like he called all these people here just to irritate them. “City that never sleeps,” he said over his shoulder, and she narrowed her eyes at him.

“I hope that doesn’t apply to you two,” she said.

“I can imagine them gallivanting around the city at all hours,” Bo said.

“Gallivanting,” Lukas mocked, grinning as he elbowed into Philip.

“That’s what we do,” Philip said, as they crossed the street. “Just—run all over the place. All over the city. Aimlessly.”

“No wonder you have so many friends,” Gabe said, and when Philip looked over his shoulder, Gabe was smiling.

All the screens were screaming advertisements down on their heads, the Toshiba sign flashing on and off. Chicago boasted itself as Broadway’s sure thing, a sultry lady lounging larger than all five of them put together. Helen approached the George M Cohan statue and stared up at it, and Philip wondered if he’d ever remember to look up who that guy was.

“Aw, we should have seen Kinky Boots,” Helen said, looking to the side and seeing the advertisement for it looming large.

“Not sure I would have enjoyed that as much,” Bo said, but with a laugh.

Lukas shook his head, looking at Philip.

There were a bunch of off-brand superheroes traipsing around and harassing people for photographs, minions with strange boggling eyes worse than the original ones from the movie he and Lukas still hadn’t seen. There was the same bible-touting man that was always here whenever Philip managed to make a trip over, and he looked ancient, the lines in his face deep as he sat and cast his judging gaze upon them all.

Lukas was looking over at him too. The sign he was holding said “Therefore you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect”

“He always used to be here,” Philip said, finding the foggy memories in the depths of his mind. “Guess he’s still doing it.”

Lukas took Philip’s hand and just hummed to himself.

“Hey, hey, hey,” an unfamiliar voice said. Philip saw the tall man walking up before either one of them could say anything, and then he draped a long, huge, ridiculously big and scary snake around Lukas’s shoulders.

“Ohhh my God,” Lukas exclaimed, huffing and puffing and immediately letting go of Philip’s hand, stepping back out of some subconscious form of protection. “Is it—is it, is this—is this—dangerous? Is—am I—”

“You’re not in any danger, buddy,” the tall man said, and he jingled a little cup he was holding in his hand.

Bo stepped forward and put a couple dollars in the cup. “Well this sure isn’t an image I ever thought I’d see.”

Philip’s heart was racing but he was smiling strangely, fumbling for his camera, trying to visualize the shot.

“Girl or boy?” Helen asked.

“That’s my lady,” the tall man said. “That’s Miss Stella right there. You can pet her, you can pet her—”

“Philip,” Lukas said, looking up with wild eyes. He laughed little tiny stilted laughs that made Philip laugh too. “Look!”

“I’m looking,” Philip snorted, finally grabbing his camera and trying not to shake. He bent down a little bit and right as he snapped his first picture, a tour bus drove by in the background that said NEW YORK, NEW YORK on the side of it. He walked around Lukas and took a couple more from every angle. Lukas was still as a statue, only his eyes following Philip, the snake moving slow and sure, taking it all in. Philip wondered how many shoulders she’d been on in her life. He couldn’t picture her on a better set.

“Okay I’m pretty sure I’m dying,” Lukas said, laughing nervously. Philip rushed over and pulled two dollars out of his pocket, stuffing them in the guy’s cup as he took Miss Stella off of Lukas. He didn’t say goodbye or thank you or anything, striding off towards another susceptible family.

Helen, Bo and Gabe laughed as Lukas stumbled over to Philip, collapsing against him.

“You should hold a tarantula next time,” Bo said, knocking Lukas in the shoulder.

“Yeah, right,” Lukas muttered. He turned his face into Philip’s neck and Philip laughed, petting the back of his head. “Not what I expected when we said we were coming here.”

“Me either,” Philip said.

“You get some good pictures?”

“Yeah,” Philip said. “I think so. Might be some quintessential New York shit.”

“Yeah,” Lukas said. “Quintessential New York. Where anything can happen.”

“Come on,” Helen said, tugging on Lukas’s arm. “I wanna climb those stairs.”

“We can pick up Miss Stella,” Gabe said, as Lukas straightened up and both of them looked at him. “Take her with us.”

“Let’s not push it,” Lukas said, following Helen and Bo. “I think I’ve had my fill of snake holding for—the rest of my life.”

Philip briefly flipped through his photos. “Looked real sexy doing it though.”

Lukas scoffed, taking his hand again as they breezed past the bible guy. “Hopefully you find other things I do sexy so I never have to do that again.”

“Oh, definitely,” Philip said, grinning up at him. “I can make due.”

After the first gay pride parade Lukas seemed to get a taste for it. Surprisingly, they’d managed to make more friends at events and situations than in any of their classes—Lukas wasn’t the biggest talker, never had been, but he opened up a lot better when he saw people that were like him. He actually said something along those lines once, nonchalant and in the middle of conversation, and it, of course, sent Philip into a silent frenzy of comparing the past and the present.

He watched as Lukas got ready for the parade. When they first moved here Philip had bought him rainbow shit, things he’d normally wind up sleeping in and wearing on the occasion when nothing else was clean. But then he started including more and more rainbow designs into his wardrobe, when he wasn’t decked out in plaid. He’d go all out for the parades, and he picked out one of Philip’s favorites that he owned, rainbow tie-dye with LOVE IS LOVE printed in bold black on the back.

Philip hugged him from behind and kissed him between his shoulder blades.

He always took lots of photos when they were marching, sometimes chastised himself because he wasn’t paying proper attention to all the beauty that was going on around him. But Lukas was the perfect subject. He was vibrant among strangers, constantly smiling, and people seemed to flock to him. He was chatting with whoever came up to him, would happily introduce Philip as his boyfriend. He chanted and waved at cameras, swung the flag they bought together at the Village Party Shop like he couldn’t be more proud to do it. He was cooler than fucking cool.

Philip fell back a little bit so he could get a photo, framing it so he could see the words on Lukas’s back, the flags all around him and his flag in the air. Seemed like it was just him, rainbows and the sky. Philip took a bunch, including the moment when Lukas turned around looking for him.

“Hey!” Lukas called, stopping in his tracks and gently moving around a few couples who kept going next to him. “Babe.”

“Coming,” Philip said, running to catch up with him. He let his camera hang around his neck and reached down, taking Lukas’s hand.

Lukas just looked at him for a couple long moments, and Philip cocked his head at him. “What?” Philip asked.

Lukas chewed on his lower lip and looked straight ahead. “I just—I was thinking about how I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. You know, here, as in—somewhere like this. Sometimes it hits me hard, I know I’ve said it before but like—I just know it.”

Philip leaned into him a little bit. “You would have found your way,” he said.

Lukas shook his head definitively. “No. Not without you.” He clicked his tongue. “Without you—I’d probably still be wasting Rose’s time and hating myself. Getting farther and farther away from my dad. Thinking about—thinking about things I shouldn’t think about.”

Philip’s heart lurched. He stopped and Lukas stopped with him, turning to face him. “Hey,” Philip said, softly, cupping Lukas’s face in his hands. He leaned in and kissed him hard, trying not to think of what life could have been like if their paths had never crossed. He knew the world wasn’t perfect, his life wasn’t perfect, but they were perfect. Their relationship was the best goddamn thing to ever happen to Philip. It was the hallmark of his life, the thread of electricity holding everything together. He was so, so happy they made it, that Lukas was able to find himself, find love with him. Fuck, Philip couldn’t believe it. How far Lukas had come. He felt like he’d be questioning it every day for the rest of his life. But thanking God for it, too.

He tried to break the kiss but Lukas openly deepened it, making something twist in Philip’s stomach and causing people around them to start hooting and hollering.

Finally, they broke, and Lukas pressed another quick kiss to Philip’s cheek. “Thanks for making me me, babe,” he said.

Philip smiled, getting a little teary. He didn’t know what to say, so he just kissed him again. He was so fucking proud of Lukas. So, so proud of how he accepted himself, embraced himself, lived as who he really was.

Philip sits down in front of Mr. Woods, and he’s holding his folder of photos so tight in his hands that he’s sure he’s going to crumple the prints. His heart is hammering in his throat and he doesn’t think he’s been this nervous in a long time, not since something really serious and shitty happened. This shouldn’t be shitty, this should be good—Mr. Woods is gonna give him pointers on which pictures will be best, if he’s doing a good job arranging them, and hopefully help him make an awesome portfolio that’ll score him an A in this class and secure his photography degree.

“Alright,” Mr. Woods says, pushing his glasses a little further up his nose. “Let’s see those photos.”

He holds out his hand and Philip hands over the folder a little reluctantly. He doesn’t know why he’s being so paranoid about this. He loves his pictures of Lukas, and is so glad he chose him and New York as his focus because they’re two of his favorite things to look at. But it feels like he’s handing over the most important, intimate parts of his life for his professor to scrutinize—he knew that would be the case, knew that’s exactly what the department wanted, but part of him feels like he needs to protect his life, protect Lukas and the perfect thing they’ve made here, hold his life close to his chest because anyone, anyone could want to take it away.

Mr. Woods is quiet, silently regarding each photo for a few moments a piece. Philip is a little worried at first that he isn’t saying anything, but then he realizes it’s probably better, that it means he’s devoting his attention to looking at each and every one of them. He keeps seeing Lukas’s shock of blond hair in all their favorite places and Philip is still unsure which of these is the best and should be highlighted. He’s only gonna blow up five, the rest of them ordered up and put in between, and he knows the main five have to be the absolute fucking best. He has a hard time picking because he loves every image of Lukas known to man, especially the ones taken by him.

He shifts in his seat as Mr. Woods keeps looking, handling each image like they’re something precious, and Philip discreetly looks at his phone.

You are the most talented person I know! Amazing and awesome and talented and the most! Wonderful! Human!

Philip’s heart swells. I love you he quickly types back, sending it. He clears his throat. It feels like a million years have gone by. But the look on Mr. Woods’s face is promising. Philip expected worse.

Finally, Mr. Woods looks up. “These are wonderful, Philip.”

Philip deflates. “Yeah?”

“Yes,” Mr. Woods says, nodding. “You really have a good eye, especially for Lukas. It’s like when you see him you know exactly how to frame your shot—no matter where he is in the photo, he draws your eye. Your use of color with him is great, did you set any of these up, like what he’s wearing?”

“His outfits?” Philip asks. “No, he always pretty much wears what he wants.”

“Worked out very well,” Mr. Woods says. “I do have some particular favorites, ones I’d absolutely say you should highlight as your main five, and I hope you’ll agree with me. I’ll pick ‘em out and tell you the order I recommend.”

“Okay,” Philip says, nodding. Mr. Woods pushes five photos forward and Philip’s heart sings, as they’re the exact ones he’s been leaning towards. He clears his throat and pulls his chair closer. “Wow, yeah—we’re on the same page.”

“Really?” Mr. Woods asks. “On all five?”

“Yeah,” Philip says. “Those have been feeling like the ones.”

“Good,” Mr. Woods says, nodding. “I’d go foils first, because it feels like a very intimate introduction to your life and your relationship. There’s some good detail. It gives us a lot of Lukas’s personality.”

Philip laughs, nodding.

“Then the fire escape photo, which is…gorgeous. It adds an air of mystery, it’s a completely different tone from the first one, the lighting adds a whole other layer. Is it…is it a gunshot wound on his chest?”

“Yes,” Philip says. “Uh—we got mixed up in a whole thing in high school, both of us almost died, but he—came a little closer than me.”

Mr. Woods just stares at him for a second. “Well, I’m—I’m sorry to hear that—”

“It’s fine,” Philip says. “We’re—we’re doing good, we’ve made it past it.”

“Well, you’ve done an excellent job highlighting it in this photo, and instead of making it look sinister, which red and oranges tend to do, you’ve made it seem like more of a survival story. The way you’ve framed it and your focus, it seems uplifting. Like blood is pumping, life is being lived. The use of negative space adds to it.”

“Awesome,” Philip says.

“The next one for me would be the club and the dancing—I love putting it after the introduction to the gunshot wound because it demonstrates exactly what you were going for—survival, thriving. The use of motion is incredible, and it seems like they’re all pointing towards him, drawing your eye. It feels like there’s a real story there, a lot of past, like overcoming. The colors are beautiful. Then the snake—I love that. Unplanned?”

“Completely unplanned,” Philip laughs. “Some guy just—came over—”

“You can see it in his eyes,” Mr. Woods says, grinning. “But I love how his focus is on you, like he’s trying to look calm and cool for you. The tattoo, too—love how you can see it alongside the snakeskin. Your name and I assume your heartbeat, it says something here. I like the offsetting, the contrasts of color—you also did a real good job drawing the attention to Lukas’s face when you have an interesting animal in frame, too.”

Philip thinks this is going well.

“And the last one—well, it’s beautiful. I’d end with this, absolutely. It feels jubilant, like an encapsulation of your whole journey—once again, use of negative space really adds to what you’re going for. I like the little flags hanging on the edges and flanking him, all of them facing in the opposite direction to his own flag. The message, too.”

“Thank you,” Philip says. He hardly knows what to say. It sorta, weirdly, feels like therapy.

Mr. Woods nods at him. “You hint at your whole story, but keep it close to your chest. You make the audience want to know more with every new photograph. New York is a character in and of itself, making for this really comfortable and homey backdrop to the journey you and Lukas are going on. It feels like discovery, partnership, newness and old entwined—like you’re owning the past and building on it together. That’s what comes across with your photos.”

It’s so spot on. All his feelings. Philip swallows hard, feeling strangely sick and excited at the same time. “That’s…exactly what I was going for.”

“Well, you’re well on your way to being finished with the project,” Mr. Woods says, leaning back in his chair. “I’d just fill out the in-betweens, meet the minimum, and continue on the line you’ve been toeing all along. You’ve created an air of protection and closeness and that goes along with what you’ve been revealing about Lukas and your relationship. It seems like something very special.”

“Thank you,” Philip says again, clearing his throat. “Wow, you’re—it’s so weird, you’re really getting what I wanted out of these. Things I might have even put in there subconsciously just because they’re…how I feel.”

“Well, that means you did a good job,” Mr. Woods says. “Accomplished your goal.”

“I guess,” Philip says, laughing.

“You think you might be interested in a showcase, once you get your final grade?” Mr. Woods asks. “I’ll be clear, if you continue in this same vein you’ll definitely be getting an A grade—”

Philip grins, reaching up and trying to cover his smile.

“—but we normally pick out five or six different portfolios to blow up and put on display in this Arts exhibition in Central Park right before graduation. You think you’d be interested in that? Lukas could come, people always like it when the subjects are there.”

Philip’s heart is hammering against his ribcage. “Yes, yes—definitely, that sounds amazing.”

“Well, alright,” Mr. Woods says. “Thank you for sharing your work. You’re very talented, Philip—you’ve got a bright future ahead of you. Both of you, I’m sure.”

“Thank you, Mr. Woods,” Philip says, feeling like an idiot on repeat but there’s way too much gratitude overwhelming him, so he’s gotta let it out. “Thank you so much.”

The dogs rush up when Philip steps into the apartment and Lukas is there at the dining room table, what looks like his homework spread out in front of him. “Hey!” he says, getting to his feet when he sees Philip. “How’d it go?”

Philip takes off his backpack, puts his prints aside on the counter and leans down, kissing both dogs on the head. Then he walks over and throws himself against Lukas so they both fall back into the dining room chair, Philip in Lukas’s lap. Lukas makes a little surprised noise and Philip kisses him over and over and over, running his thumbs back and forth along his jawline.

“Mmm,” Lukas hums, hands gripping Philip’s waist. “I guess it went well?”

“Oh yeah,” Philip says. “Oh—oh yeah. You’re the best model, Lukas.”

“Told you.”

“You were right.”

“You’re the best photographer.”

“No, but you’re—you’re the best, period.”

Lukas snorts as Philip kisses him again.

“I might get an exhibit in the park if I ace this,” Philip says, between kisses. “And he—he really implied that—that I was gonna ace it.”

“Babe!” Lukas exclaims, pulling away from him. “That’s fucking amazing!”

Philip laughs, exhilarated, and buries his face into Lukas’s neck.

“Jesus, you deserve this,” Lukas says, holding him tight. “I’m so happy.”

Philip can feel the dogs dancing around, licking at his ankles. “Me too,” he says, kissing Lukas’s throat. “Me too.”

#philkas #eyewitness #philip shea #lukas waldenbeck #my writing #this took forever never again past tense never again #hope you all like it love you guys

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kpopyaoiisfun · 8 years

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Man I love Philkas as a couple

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succyobsessions · 2 years

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My Fav MLM Ships + Taylor Swift Songs

1. Harringrove—Steve x Billy (Stranger Things)

False God— Lover

“We were crazy to think

Crazy to think that this could work

Remember how I said I'd die for you?”

“And I can't talk to you when you're like this

Staring out the window like I'm not your favorite town”

“But we might just get away with it

Religion's in your lips

Even if it's a false god

We'd still worship”

“I know heaven's a thing

I go there when you touch me

Honey hell is when I fight with you

But we can patch it up good

Make confessions and we're begging for forgiveness”

“And you can't talk to me when I'm like this

Daring you to leave me just so I can try and scare you”

2. Gallavich—Ian x Mickey (Shameless)

Call It What You Want— Reputation

“Nobody's heard from me for months

I'm doing better than I ever was

'Cause

My baby's fit like a daydream

Walking with his head down

I'm the one he's walking to

So call it what you want, yeah

Call it what you want to”

“All my flowers grew back as thorns

Windows boarded up after the storm

He built a fire just to keep me warm”

“And I know I make the same mistakes every time

Bridges burn, I never learn, at least I did one thing right

I did one thing right

I'm laughing with my lover, making forts under covers

Trust him like a brother, yeah, you know I did one thing right”

3. Philkas—Philip x Lukas (Eyewitness)

Out Of The Woods— 1989

“You took a Polaroid of us

Then discovered

(Then discovered)

The rest of the world was black and white

But we were in screaming color”

“Remember when you hit the brakes too soon?

Twenty stitches in a hospital room

When you started crying, baby, I did too

But when the sun came up, I was looking at you”

“Remember when we couldn't take the heat?

I walked out, I said ‘I'm setting you free’

But the monsters turned out to be just trees

When the sun came up you were looking at me”

4. Evak—Even x Isak (Skam)

Everything Has Changed— Red

“And all I've seen

Since eighteen hours ago

Is green eyes and freckles and your smile

In the back of my mind making me feel like

I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now”

“Cause all I know is we said, ‘Hello’

And your eyes look like comin' home

All I know is a simple name

And everything has changed”

“And all my walls

Stood tall painted blue

But I'll take 'em down, take 'em down

And open up the door for you”

5. Ennis x Jack (Brokeback Mountain)

Cowboy Like Me— Evermore

“And you asked me to dance

But I said, ‘Dancing is a dangerous game’

Oh, I thought

This is gonna be one of those things

Now I know

I'm never gonna love again”

“You're a cowboy like me

Never wanted love

Just a fancy car

Now I'm waiting by the phone

Like I'm sitting in an airport bar”

“Now you hang from my lips

Like the Gardens of Babylon

With your boots beneath my bed

Forever is the sweetest con”

6. Tyrus—TJ x Cyrus (Andi Mack)

Ours— Speak Now

“Seems like there's always someone who disapproves

They'll judge it like they know about me and you

And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do

The jury's out, but my choice is you”

“And it's not theirs to speculate

If it's wrong, and your hands are tough

But they are where mine belong”

“So don't you worry your pretty, little mind

People throw rocks at things that shine

And life makes love look hard”

“The stakes are high, the water's rough

But this love is ours”

7. Merthur—Merlin x Arthur (Merlin)

Seven— Folklore

“Cross your heart, won't tell no other

And though I can't recall your face

I still got love for you

Your braids like a pattern

Love you to the moon and to Saturn

Passed down like folk songs

The love lasts so long”

“And I've been meaning to tell you

I think your house is haunted

Your dad is always mad and that must be why”

“And just like a folk song

Our love will be passed on”

“Please picture me

In the weeds

Before I learned civility

I used to scream ferociously

Any time I wanted”

————

Click Here For My Fav Sapphic Ships + Taylor Swift Songs

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sellingsecrets · 3 years

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Fanfiction Survey: Most popular story

My fic with the most kudos on AO3 is At Night, Alone for the Philkas ship from “Eyewitness,” the USA Network’s English-language remake of Norway’s “Øyevitne.” Lukas and Philip’s trajectory was so sweetly written on the show, and the actors who played them (who are both straight men, afaik) weren’t afraid to develop the bond and closeness needed to make the storyline feel authentic. I’ll just love them forever.

My fic with the most bookmarks on AO3 is Close our eyes, pretend to fly for the Morcia ship from “Criminal Minds.” There were a solid couple of years when “Criminal Minds” was my emotional support show, so to rewrite some of the key plot points through the lens of a coffee shop semi-AU felt almost like an honor. Kirsten Vangsness is also one of the kindest celebrities I’ve ever met. It always tickles me when ~public figures~ introduce themselves like I don't know who they are; that's happened to me with her and Kevin Jonas 🤣

#god i guess i should create a fanfiction tag ok this will do #criminal minds #morcia #øyevitne #eyewitness #waldenshea #philkas

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pollycooperarchive · 7 years

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“it’s because i like you”

#philkas #eyewitness #eyewitnessedit #mb #i made this forever ago

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philkasao3feed · 4 years

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Making Up For It

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2WkPc2N

by Schizopath0305

Philip notices Lukas being a wonderful boyfriend, but is there more to it than that?

Words: 2379, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 3 of Sweet Philkas Love

Fandoms: Eyewitness (US TV)

Rating: Not Rated

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: M/M

Characters: Philip Shea, Lukas Waldenbeck, Helen Torrance (Mentioned) - Character, Gabe caldwell (mentioned) - Character, Bo Waldenbeck (mentioned)

Relationships: Philip Shea/Lukas Waldenbeck

Additional Tags: Sleepy Cuddles, Couch Cuddles, Talking, talking about feelings, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Past Issues, Love, Promises, Healing, Together forever, Mild Language

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2WkPc2N

#ao3feed #fanfic #eyewitness #philkas #philkas fanfic

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a3feed-waldenshea · 4 years

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read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2WkPc2N

by Schizopath0305

Philip notices Lukas being a wonderful boyfriend, but is there more to it than that?

Words: 2379, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 3 of Sweet Philkas Love

Fandoms: Eyewitness (US TV)

Rating: Not Rated

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: M/M

Characters: Philip Shea, Lukas Waldenbeck, Helen Torrance (Mentioned) - Character, Gabe caldwell (mentioned) - Character, Bo Waldenbeck (mentioned)

Relationships: Philip Shea/Lukas Waldenbeck

Additional Tags: Sleepy Cuddles, Couch Cuddles, Talking, talking about feelings, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Past Issues, Love, Promises, Healing, Together forever, Mild Language

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2WkPc2N

#IFTTT #ao3feed #fanfic #Eyewitness

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chiefcurse · 5 years

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Okay but I will literally marry the person that does an eyewitness rp with me. It can be the canon philkas, or just a plot based on it. But my heart needs those babies so bad, I will literally sell my soul for it. Philkas will forever be way too underrated, and that is such a shame. If you don’t know it, the usa version of eyewitness is a must to watch. It deserves way more love and attention.

#plot ideas #please #1x1 rp #discord rp #eyewitness

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firelemonade · 8 years

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otp: philip shea & lukas waldenbeck

“because i like you, idiot!”

#philip shea #lukas waldenbeck #philip x lukas #philkas #eyewitness #i love them #firelemonade #idiots in love #my edits #otp forever

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antarcticbird · 8 years

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Fic: Snapshots (Philip/Lukas)

Summary: Lukas doesn’t really get all the fuss about photography at first.

A/N: Okay so I did my best to resist these boys (yeah okay, I gave in like ten minutes into the pilot, shut up) but yes, I'm writing fic about them now. Because I have a lot of feelings about them and I have a lot of feelings about the feelings they have for each other and basically I just want them to be happy.

Also, holy shit this turned out so fucking fluffy and sweet. Like, seriously. Don't forget to brush your teeth after. Extra warnings for run-on sentences and lots of *emotions*. I don't know what happened, I just wanted to watch a fun new show. Yet here we are.

Also up on the AO3

Lukas doesn’t really get all the fuss about photography at first.

Sure, he knows some people are awesome at it and some not so much. Like, the stuff Philip uploaded to his channel? He’s never had any footage that good before. Not ever. And yeah, having pictures and videos to remember things is nice. He knows all of that. But beyond that, he just doesn’t get it.

Philip’s into it, he knows that — that’s why he’d managed to talk himself into hanging out with him at first. Because Lukas needed someone to take good videos for his channel, and Philip was there and willing to take them. And when Philip sometimes talked about photography like it was something more, Lukas never really thought about what he meant by that.

He still doesn’t fully understand it. What he does understand, though, is that the true reason he kept Philip around was never about the footage. Well, okay, yeah. It was about that too. At least a little. He really did like what Philip was able to do even with a crappy cell phone camera, and he really thought it would do a lot to help him find a sponsor. Which was what he wanted. But now that he’s no longer twisting the truth in his head, he wonders how he could ever manage to convince himself it wasn’t about Philip too.

It was probably, like, denial or whatever, because he didn’t want to think about the real reason too much. Because the real reason was something that had taken root deep in Lukas’ chest and in his stomach, and has just been spreading from there ever since, into every part of him, every time he even just thinks of Philip.

It’s almost like a craving, he thinks — Philip’s presence in his life, the way he starts feeling jittery and impatient when they can’t see each other for too many hours. The way his body relaxes and settles once Philip is with him again.

And the thing is . . . the thing is, when he looks at him, maybe he does get the picture taking thing after all. Because, he thinks, you take pictures of things that are beautiful, right? To preserve them and remember them?

And some photos are even called art. Which is something he’d honestly never thought about before, because art is paintings and stuff. But capturing a moment of something beautiful, at the right second, from the right angle, in the perfect light . . . that’s art too, apparently. And when he looks at some of the pictures Philip takes, he almost gets why. They’re awesome.

Lukas has no idea how to take photos like that, not with a camera. But lately, or maybe actually since the moment he met Philip, he realises that he’s started taking pictures with his mind and storing them there like in a museum. Or an art gallery or whatever, he’s still not quite sure about the right words for all of this; it’s all so new to him.

There are a lot of pictures in his mind by now, snapshots of different moments, and sometimes he can’t decide which one he likes best.

He has a thousand of Philip’s face in different light and with different background, some focusing on his eyes, on his smile, on the way he bites his lip or the thing his hair does sometimes when the wind picks up, or even the whole complete picture of him in those moments he just completely takes Lukas’ breath away just by existing. He has pictures that are maps of every mole on Philip’s chest and the curve of his ribs and the veins in his arms, the length of his skinny legs, the shape of his toes. It’s all there in his mind to take out and look at when Philip’s not there; all these pictures, and they’re spreading warmth throughout his chest every time he looks at them.

He takes another picture with his mind right now, of Philip curled into him as they sit in the barn together. He’s showing Lukas his profile as he stares at the far wall. His face is thoughtful and his fingers are absentmindedly caressing Lukas’ left knee, and something swells in Lukas’ chest, something enormous and overwhelming in a good way and it makes his breath stutter, his fingers curling into Philip’s shoulder.

He never expected to be this happy, not about something he fought so hard for so long.

There’s nothing he can do but to pull him closer now, press his face into Philip’s hair for a second, and kiss the spot on his neck that he likes, before he pulls back again to keep completing his picture of Philip’s profile. He has a lot of them. But he wants another one.

“You’re staring at me.” Philip turns his head, looks at him with one of those half-grins he gives him sometimes, his tone accusing but his eyes sparkling with laughter.

“I’m not,” Lukas says. “I’m just looking. There’s a difference.”

“Oh, is there.” Philip tilts his head at him, smile widening. “Creep.”

“Hey, I have staring privileges now that I’m your boyfriend,” Lukas points out.

Philip’s smile changes, but not in a bad way. “Wait, really? You think you’re getting privileges? I mean, duties, yeah. You have to listen to my playlists and pretend to like them. But privileges?”

“Hey, I take my duties very seriously,” Lukas defends himself.

“Prove it,” Philip says, and his tone is still playful, but Lukas can feel his stomach sinking because he knows there are things he still does have to do, apologies he has to make, and he hates himself for that being necessary in the first place.

“I mean it,” he says. “I’m gonna make up for all that awful stuff I did. I promise.”

Philip’s smile falls. “I didn’t mean it like that,” he says. “I was only joking.”

“I’m still going to make up for it,” Lukas insists.

“You were scared,” Philip says. “I get that. You don’t have to -”

“I don’t get why you’re so cool with all that happened,” Lukas interrupts. “Like, between us. I would completely understand it if you never wanted to see me again.”

Philip just shrugs. “But I do still want to see you. Just . . . don’t pretend you don’t know me again in public. That would suck.”

“I won’t,” Lukas promises, and takes another quick snapshot of Philip’s face as he smiles at him.

They’re out by their tree and Philip is taking photos, and so is Lukas, just without a camera. He already has a lot of Philip in this particular spot, the best one being the one right after Lukas had confessed everything to Helen and then come here with Philip, to talk and to apologize for being an asshole before, and to kiss him as much and as long as he could.

He has a thousand pictures of Philip from that afternoon. He hadn’t been able to stop looking and touching and drinking it all in, finally allowing himself to do so. So many memories. Every single one of them so precious.

The look on Philip’s face when he’d asked Lukas if his stomach hurt. The grin on his face when Lukas had denied it in a teasing way that was really supposed to mean ‘yes,’ a confession he hadn’t been ready to make just then.

Maybe he’s still not quite ready today. But he looks at Philip, the focused expression on his face as he tries to get the best angle or whatever for his next picture, and he feels that shiver running through his body, the one that makes his breath pick up and his skin ache to reach out and touch and be touched.

He’d never known he was able to want something this much. Because it’s never happened before. But now he can’t imagine not wanting it anymore, not wanting him. And yes, it does hurt, in a way, although he’s not sure that’s really the right word to describe the feeling. It’s like a pull, like a need that’s tugging at something deep inside of him. It’s a good feeling.

Philip looks up and smiles and Lukas walks over to him and hugs him, just puts his arms around him and presses his face against Philip’s hair and holds him as close as he can without seeming too needy, his heart beating against Philip’s chest and his lungs breathing in only air that’s touched Philip’s body.

His own exhale is shaky as he feels Philip’s arms closing around him in return, and he just holds on even tighter and he really doesn’t feel like he’ll ever be able to let go again.

“Hey,” Philip says softly. “Is everything okay?”

Lukas laughs a little and presses a kiss to Philip’s ear because it’s the closest thing he can reach. “Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, it is. It is. Everything’s perfect.”

And in this moment, it is. Lukas takes a picture of it and stores it away in his heart.

An afternoon alone in his house, and of course Philip comes over — they know well how to make use of those unsupervised moments by now.

They take their time; something that Lukas had never expected to be into, probably because he’s never been really honest with himself about what he really wanted. It took meeting Philip to unlock that secret he’d always been carrying around with him.

Before, he’d kind of been trying not to think about sex too much, about the time he couldn’t put it off any longer. He’d done his best to convince himself that he’d want it when the time came because he’s a guy and this is what guys do. With girls.

But Philip is not a girl and Lukas doesn’t have to convince himself of anything anymore. It’s not something he has to talk himself into; he doesn’t just need to get it over with already. He wants. He looks forward to every time they get to do this. Every time he gets to see Philip like this, gets to touch him and memorize him and learn all the different sounds he makes when Lukas does something he likes.

Lukas really likes doing things that Philip likes. Not just when they’re having sex. Just . . . in general. Always.

Every time he’d thought about doing it before, like, every time he’d really considered it, he’d always thought it would be awkward afterwards. Back when he’d still been dreading having to do this eventually. But now that they are doing this, it’s not awkward at all.

Because Philip looks at him once they’re lying next to each other after they’re done, and his face is so open, so unguarded and vulnerable, his smile so sincere, Lukas can’t possibly feel weird about this. Not when Philip seems so happy.

There’s something in the way Philip looks at him as they’re lying there, something that’s there a lot of the time he catches him staring, but always so pronounced in these moments when neither of them is holding anything back. It looks like a reflection of that feeling Lukas gets around Philip all the time, that feeling he can’t quite express in words but that’s there all the same.

It’s another picture he saves, one he wants to recreate many times, as many times as Philip will let him. Because he likes how it makes him feel. Not the sex — well, yeah, that too, but this is . . . this is something different, something not tied to what they just did together.

So maybe Lukas has never been into art, but, maybe this is what people are talking about when they say that art holds some kind of meaning, something other than just the things you see in a picture, like trees and stars and people and stuff. Because it’s probably sappy as hell, but when he looks at Philip he thinks he understands what art is.

The picture before him has meaning. That expression in Philip’s eyes, the one he feels reflected in his own heart, that means something. Something more than just a smile.

He wants this feeling always. He wants it to fill every single cell of his body, like it’s doing right now, and he wants Philip to know he’s feeling it.

You can’t share the pictures in your mind with other people, but maybe, he thinks, he can find a way to at least show Philip what they mean to him. What he feels when he captures another moment. Because he wants him to know. He wants him to understand.

Philip should know just how important he is to Lukas and how much he’s needed and wanted, every second of every day.

It’s still a bit weird at school most of the time — Lukas isn’t really hiding it anymore, but he’s not really ready yet to advertise it either. Their relationship. The way he’s suddenly different in most people’s eyes.

It’s a small town, and even if Lukas has accepted this truth about himself and is growing to like it, because being with Philip is the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to him, that doesn’t mean that other people have accepted it or like it. And he’s always been one of the popular kids. It doesn’t feel good, having people look at him like he’s some weirdo all of a sudden. Because he’s not. And it sucks that other people think that.

Yeah, okay. He also thought liking Philip in that way was weird at first. Like he wasn’t supposed to. He doesn’t think that anymore, and he really wants to hold Philip’s hand and kiss him in public, and sometimes he does. Just not in the hallways at school, not yet, but he’s been getting better at it ever since that party in Red Hook months ago where he tried it for the first time and the world didn’t end.

What he can’t turn off anymore is the way he knows it’s showing on his face every time this feeling of amazement and awe sneaks up on him, like right now, when he’s still standing at his locker and Philip is walking away to a different class. He can’t take his eyes off of him, and he burns the picture into his memory, the way Philip’s hair looks from the back and the way his T-shirt is wrinkling where the strap of his bookbag pulls at it. He never knew a person’s back could be so attractive, and there’s just something about Philip’s skinny arms and legs that makes Lukas want to run after him and hug him.

Lukas knows how breakable human bodies can be, thought a lot about it when he was learning about safety back when he first started riding dirt bikes. And Philip looks so fragile sometimes with his long, thin limbs and that soft expression on his face. But Lukas knows he isn’t. Philip is the strongest, toughest, most resilient person he’s ever met; Lukas doesn’t know if he could have lived through half the shit Philip’s been through. Everything Philip had to do to take care of his mom, and then losing her after being sent off to live with strangers in a small, strange town he didn’t know, and then all the stuff they got caught up in after the cabin, all the shit Lukas put him through . . . Yeah. Philip is so much tougher than he looks sometimes.

That’s what’s special about this picture of him looking so lanky and fragile in this moment — there’s a quiet strength underneath all of it that Lukas admires more than he’s able to express. And you can see it, if you look closely enough. It’s not obvious at first glance, but it’s there. And once you’ve seen it, you can’t unsee it anymore.

Maybe that was part of the reason he kept going back to Philip during that nightmare they lived through, he thinks. That, and the fact that he was falling in love so fast it left him dizzy, and being near Philip was the only thing that still made him feel anything resembling joy, even just for moments at a time. But part of it might have been the fact that Philip was the only thing holding him together, the only safe haven left to him.

It’s all still so messed up in his head, because his world got turned upside down in more than one way in pretty much a single day — the shock of what they’d witnessed, the fear of being the next ones to die, and in between all of that realising just why he could never stop thinking of Philip, couldn’t stop wanting to be near him.

“Hey, are you listening to me?” a voice says next to him, and he turns his head to see Rose grinning up at him with a knowing look on her face.

“Sorry, sorry,” he says. “Uh, yeah. I mean, hi. Um. What were you saying?”

She shakes her head and rolls her eyes at him. “I was just saying hi and asking how you were doing.”

“Oh.” He swallows, smiles a little shakily. He’s trying not to hide anymore, but it just feels weird knowing she probably just caught him staring with a really dopey look on his face. “Good. I mean, yeah, good. You?”

“Oh my god, you’ve really got it bad, haven’t you?” She laughs.

“What?”

“I’ve never seen that look on your face before.” Her smile is a little sad. “That probably should have been my first clue.”

“Sorry,” he says again. “I — I didn’t mean to -”

She bumps her shoulder against his arm. “Shut up. We’ve been over this. It’s fine. You didn’t know either.”

“No,” he admits, not for the first time. “I didn’t.”

“I’m glad you’re happy, though,” she says.

“Thanks.” His smile feels more real now.

“And hey, I have a date this weekend with this guy Jacob, and he’s actually way cuter than you.”

That makes him laugh. “Shut up.”

“You are happy, right?” she asks.

He nods. “Yeah. Yeah, I really am.” It still feels a little strange sometimes, admitting that another guy can make him feel like this, but Rose is special. She gets it. And she won’t judge him.

“Good,” she says. “I’m glad.”

“Good luck on your date,” he tells her.

She gives him another smile and walks away.

Lukas closes his locker and makes his way to class, looking at the picture he has in his mind of Philip laughing when Lukas tackled him to the ground to kiss him under their tree the other day. It makes him feel warm and light and just . . . good.

He’s over at the Caldwell farm for dinner and he sits across from Philip, watching him as he laughs at a funny story Gabe just told them about a dog who wouldn’t stop hiding his owner’s throw pillows under the back porch.

Lukas is laughing too because it’s a funny story, but then Philip’s eyes meet his across the table and his laugh shifts into a smile, a smile so wide he knows he probably looks deranged. It’s just that Philip looks so happy. And it’s taken him a while to look really happy again after losing his mom — Lukas has done his best to cheer him up every way he could, or to distract him, and sometimes he’d just held him when he cried. But seeing him laughing like this is new and it’s so, so good.

He saves that picture too, and makes a promise to himself that he’ll do whatever he can to recreate it, to make Philip laugh like that again as many times as he can.

Because these pictures he takes — they’re memories, but they’re also inspiration. For more pictures. For more memories. For more moments that are worth capturing and keeping forever.

The others are talking on and Lukas takes a minute to take out all his favourite pictures and line them up and take stock of how many good things they’ve already been through together. How many times he’s already felt like his world finally makes sense now.

He has pictures of bad things in there too, because they’re also important to remember and he knows that. How else would they know how to do better next time? How to get through them if they happen again? So he saves those as well.

There’s quite a collection of snapshots in his mind already; way too many to fill some kind of gallery if they were all actual photos on actual paper. And he’s determined to keep adding to them. He never wants to stop.

So he stores them away safely in his mind again and turns his attention back to the real thing: his boyfriend looking at him across the table, a fond smile on his face that Philip thinks Lukas deserves and that Lukas is determined to actually earn one day. He’ll never stop trying his best, for Philip.

After dinner, they take a walk, and when Philip reaches for his hand Lukas folds their fingers together and holds on.

“Hey, my dad’s not home tomorrow night,” Lukas says. “You think there’s any way you can stay over?”

Philip shrugs. “I don’t know. I mean, I could ask? But if not, you can just sneak over after everyone’s asleep and spend the night in my room.” He grins. “Your dad won’t notice you’re missing if he’s not there to check.”

Lukas squeezes his hand a little. “This is why I’m dating you. You’re so smart.”

Philip laughs. “But hey, if your dad isn’t there tomorrow, definitely come over for dinner though. Gabe’s got a late appointment somewhere, but Helen is bringing home take-out.”

“Take-out’s good,” Lukas says. “Although I really like Gabe’s cooking.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty good,” Philip agrees.

Lukas is silent for a minute, thinking, debating, wanting to, but he’s nervous, and more than a little afraid. But then he thinks of Philip smiling, and he knows he can do this, knows it’s the truth more than he’s ever known anything in his life. “He is a really good cook,” he repeats. “But, I don’t know, my stomach does hurt a little.”

“Oh?” Philip sounds concerned. “Really? Maybe you just ate too much, or -”

“No,” Lukas interrupts, stops walking and tugs at Philip’s hand until Philip turns and stands in front of him, looking at Lukas with a question in his eyes. “It’s not because of the food.”

Philip keeps looking at him confused for another second, biting his lip, before his eyes widen a little and his mouth shifts into a small smile. “Oh,” he says. “Are you sure?”

Lukas smiles back, his heart beating so hard in his chest, his hands a little sweaty, but yeah, he’s never going to take this back. “Yeah,” he says. “I’m sure.”

The look on Philip’s face is not one he’s seen before, but it’s a good one. Close to the one he had at that party in Red Hook, when Lukas kissed him in front of everyone, but there’s nothing nervous in it now.

“Good,” Philip says.

“Yeah.”

“You know,” Philip’s tilts his head at him. “It’s the strangest thing, but now that you mention it, my stomach kind of hurts too.”

“It does?” Lukas asks, the tension leaving his shoulders as Philip takes a step closer and huffs out something between a laugh and a sigh.

“Of course it does, idiot,” he replies, and kisses him.

Lukas kisses back, holds him close, keeps kissing him because he needs to, because it’s all he wants to do right now.

He takes a picture with his eyes closed, of this moment in which he chose to make himself vulnerable and Philip kept him together the way he always has, and even offered his own vulnerability to Lukas in return.

And Lukas feels stronger because he risked being broken.

After that first risk during that night in the cabin, all he felt was confused and torn and afraid. But it lead him here, so that too was a good risk to take, in retrospect. Although it was Philip who took the first step then, who took a chance without knowing for sure what would happen. Toughest person he’s ever known.

That’s another moment he’ll keep in his heart, that first kiss, back when he’d been caught between only fear and want, and the want had finally proven to be stronger. Another picture in his ever-growing collection.

Lukas loves all these snapshots he has of all those random, special and ordinary moments that mean so much to him, and he’ll keep them safe forever.

But most of all he loves that he gets to have them at all. He loves that he’s allowed close enough to take them.

There’s still other things, of course, school and motocross practice and chores and the friends who’re not weirded out by him now. All of those are important too. There will always be other things, things that are important and things that he loves. But he’ll always love this most of all, he thinks, getting to be with Philip through everything else that makes up his life.

His hands cup the back of Philip’s neck and he leans in closer. And in this moment, right here and right now, he can’t see anything else but him.

He knows it will stay in his mind once it’s over, but that’s the good thing about taking pictures of moments: first, you have to live them. And he’s really glad he gets to do that.

#alianne writes #philkas fic #philkas #eyewitness #I should have known I couldn't resist forever #haha

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