#philip shea x lukas waldenbeck

[zanephillips]

EYEWITNESS (2016) 1.01 “Buffalo '07“

[cait-p]

So just taking a chance and putting this in the void...

Does anybody have a link (like a Google Doc,mega,website) Where I can watch Eyewitness (the US version)

Please and Thank You.

[motilyochek]

unfinished. personal.

[steampunkedemon]

philip & lukas || this love

[queer-as-volk]

Right here, in your belly.

[gay4pay4000]

does anyone know where to watch eyewitness (2016) ???

i am trying to find where to watch it on something that isn’t dailymotion, since the quality is so bad. is there a way to stream it or even buy a copy somewhere (digital or physical)??

[emmettspeakz]

For that quote and fave gay couple thing: "Reality is a prison" and Philkas Would love to see what you make out of that!

I apologize in advance because of what I’m about to do. I’m sorryyyy

Summary: Lukas dies after getting shot on his bike by the murderer and Philip is living in a reality without Lukas and it’s hard but he’s managing. 

Philip awoke in a cold sweat, panting as his nightmares of the past kept haunting him at night. He always saw the guy murdering those people in the cabin from his hiding place. He saw Lukas half-dressed, panting hard when the guy was gone, sweating and his eyes wide with panic. There was something beautiful about Lukas looking like that. Philip guessed it was the fact that Lukas actually looked like he had emotions there, like he felt human there. Not any of the internalized homophobia that Lukas had buried inside him like a treasure. Except it was anything but a treasure. 

All Philip’s dreams ended the same way: he always saw Lukas getting shot, going to the hospital, his coma, the sound of the flatline when his heart stopped. Philip felt tears welling up at the brim of his eyelids, and he forced himself to let them fall. He couldn’t bury the pain inside him or it would never come out. That’s how Lukas’ internal struggle had gone. Was it possible to die from internalized homophobia? Was it possible to die because for years your toxic masculinity had you pushing down your emotions until you were expressionless and didn’t allow yourself to feel anything?

It broke Philip’s heart that Lukas had died thinking that he meant nothing to Rose, that he meant nothing to HIM. 

His plea of “I love you Lukas, please wake up,” went completely unheard, as Lukas had gotten an infection from the gunshot, went into a coma, and had later died from the infection. Philip remembered, regretfully, that he’d screamed at the doctors and nurses, because of course the infection could have been prevented. 

“Hey Phil, sweetie,” 

Philip heard his boyfriend’s soothing words from beside him on the bed, and he realized he had stopped crying but was still panting hard like he could keep crying if he needed to. 

“I’m–”

Philip knew his boyfriend Ryan knew about Lukas, about all the trauma he had suffered. Hell, Philip was in therapy for his PTSD and all the homophobia he had faced in high school. He took a gap year before starting college because of everything that had happened to him last year. He couldn’t even imagine starting at a harder school environment with all his emotions all over the place. It’d  taken him an especially long time to get over Lukas and move on enough to find new love. Lukas was his first love, and he’d never forget him, but there had to be more to life than just to reflect on him forever. 

Every year for Lukas’ birthday and on Christmas, Philip would light a candle and give a small present to the picture of Lukas by his bed. He’d repost some of Lukas’ best tricks on his bike that Philip had filmed and it felt good. It felt good to remember Lukas as he was: funny, care-free, a skilled rider. 

Philip was astonished to find out his new boyfriend didn’t find that disturbing. He knew it wasn’t like he felt that his new boyfriend wouldn’t live up to Lukas, it was just that Lukas was his friend first, and he missed him dearly. Lukas had his dad sure, and Rose, but Philip felt like he didn’t really have any friends who cared about him the way he had. And this was a way to move on, while also respecting Lukas’ dying wishes: to never forget him. 

“It’s okay to not be okay,” Ryan told him, smiling slightly, playing with Philip’s hair. 

Philip allowed himself to relax into his boyfriend’s touch. 

“It’s just…I’m thinking about Lukas again. Sorry.”

Ryan, who was two inches shorter than Philip, leaned up to kiss him on his head.

“No need to apologize, babe. I know you loved him.”

“I love you too though,” Philip assured his boyfriend, although his voice shook a little with emotion. 

“I’m not asking you to choose, Phil,” Ryan replied simply, giving Philip another kiss on top of his head. “I understand your feelings and it’s okay if it takes time for you to move on. I won’t be offended.”

“Hey,” Philip said, making Ryan turn to face him. Philip moved to cup his boyfriend’s face in his hands. “I love you, okay? You hear me? Yes, I loved Lukas, and I want to remember him, but there’s room for you with me. I’m trying to move on, it’s just taking a while and I’m sorry if that’s not what you deserve. Just know I love you.”

Ryan grinned brightly. 

“I know my love,” He said, kissing Philip on the cheek. “Now, let’s try to go back to sleep.”

Philip nodded. 

“Just a sec.”

Ryan nodded, lying back down to go to sleep. 

Philip just lay back and looked up at the ceiling, holding his boyfriend’s hand and kissing it once. 

Lukas had been his soulmate, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t have someone else in his life now that he was gone. 

He heard Lukas’ words echo in his head when he first went to the hospital. 

Reality really is a prison isn’t it?

It kind of is, Philip thought, as in I’m trapped and living in a world without you Lukas, but there’s so much to appreciate about the world, more than just the bad things. I wish you were alive to see it all. 

—

Thank you for the prompt

SEND ME A SENTENCE/SONG AND A GAY SHIP AND I’LL DO MY BEST TO MAKE A FIC ABOUT IT :)

[ieyewitnesslukasandphilip]

Protective

Type: One shout about Lukas + Philip (Eyewitness) Rating: Rated PG  Trigger Warning: Bullying Word Count: 2400+ Enjoy!

Summer was coming to an end and Lukas was dreading going back to school. It seems like in the summer he could truly be who he was without anyone judging him. He could be with Philip and no one questioned it, it was just easier in the summer. Lukas got onto his dirt bike and went down to the lake. He smiled when he saw Philip sitting on the shore. He snuck up behind Philip and sat behind him. Wrapping his arms around him, Philip smiled and leaned back against Lukas. 

"Nice surprise," Philip said.

"I just saw you sitting here all alone," Lukas said.

"Waiting for you," Philip said. 

"Oh were you?" Lukas said as he kissed Philips's cheek.

"Yea I always am" Philip placed his hands on Lukas's arms. 

"I hate that tomorrow is the day we go back" Lukas sighed.

"I know babe" Philip pouted.

Lukas just held Philip as they looked out towards the water. Resting his head against Philip. He just wanted to stay like this forever. Philip pulled away from Lukas's hold and got up, reaching back for Lukas's hand. Lukas smiled and grabbed his hand and got up. Lacing their fingers together as they walked towards the cabin. Lukas unlocked the door and held the door open for Philip, making sure the door was locked after they entered. 

"Come here," Philip said as he patted the spot next to him on the bed. 

"What?" Lukas smiled as he laid next to Philip

Lukas laid his head down on Philip's chest as Philip played with his hair. Lukas traced patterns against Philips' stomach, playing with his shirt. Lukas started to drift off to sleep so was Philip. Lukas woke up later on when he heard Philip's phone going off. 

"Hey wake up," Lukas said as he gently nudged Philip

"Uh?" Philip said as he started to wake up.

"Your phone is going off," Lukas said.

"Probably wanting to know if I'm coming home for dinner," Philip said. 

"Let's go get dinner and watch a movie?" Lukas said as he laid back against Philip.

"How long were we asleep for?" Philip asked.

"I honestly have no idea," Lukas said.

"Let's go get something to eat," Philip said. 

Lukas got up off the bed and reached for Philip's hand. Philip got off the bed and took Lukas's hand, leaving the cabin. Lukas got onto his bike and handed Philip the other helmet. Philip put the helmet on and got on the back of Lukas' bike. Holding onto Lukas as they left the cabin. Heading towards town, going to one of their favorite spots to eat. They ordered take-out and went to the lake to watch the sunset. Philip took a bite from the cake and got a piece for Lukas. Holding it up to Lukas's lips, Lukas smiled and took a bite. 

"Oops," Philip said as he got chocolate on Lukas's lip.

"What?" Lukas said.

"Come here," Philip said as he leaned in and kissed Lukas. 

Lukas smiled against Philips's lips before kissing him back. Philip pulled back to make sure he got the chocolate off but then went in for another kiss. Lukas grabbed Philips's shirt pulling him closer as he kept the kiss between them. Philip pulled on Lukas's bottom lip before pulling away from the kiss. He went back to eating as did Lukas. They finished eating and cleaned up before sitting on the shore. Enjoying the last few seconds of summer, as the sun disappeared. 

"See you tomorrow," Philip said.

"You know the deal," Lukas said.

"I know that deal. We don't know each other" Philip nodded.

"I'm just not ready," Lukas said.

"Hey," Philip said as he pulled Lukas close, "I told you, take your time. I'm not going anywhere" Philip said.

"I love you," Lukas said as he kissed Philip. "How did I get so lucky?" Lukas said.

"I don't know," Philip smiled. 

Philip leaned in and kissed Lukas once more before leaving. They both went home and got some sleep, but Lukas couldn't sleep. He was worried someone would find out about him and Philip. Especially his dad, he knew it would be bad if his dad found out. Around 6 am he decided just to get up and get ready for school. He went downstairs and made him some breakfast, he sat down to eat when his father walked in. 

"Morning," his dad said.

"Morning," Lukas said.

"Ready for school?" His dad asked.

"Yea," Lukas said. 

"Have a good day," his dad said.

"Thanks," Lukas said as he finished eating.

He placed his dishes in the sink and left the house. He made it to school as he was walking up to the doors. He noticed Philip getting dropped off. He quickly looked away as he entered the building.  Lukas made his way to his locker, placing his bookbag in it and just grabbing a notebook. When he closed his locker Rose was standing there.

"Hey, you," she said.

"Hey Rose," Lukas said as he placed his arm around her shoulders. 

"How have you been?" she asked as she walked with him.

"I've been good, busy this summer," He said.

"I know, your father said that you were out of town," she said.

"Yea mainly all summer," she said. 

"Weird, your father said you got back last month," she said.

"Yea but still busy" he nodded. "You know I would spend all my time with you if I could," he said.

"I know," she smiled. 

He walked her to her class before making his way to his class. He realized Philip was also in the class. He sat with his friends and started joking around with them. The class started and everyone got quiet. Lukas looked back at Philip a few times before paying attention to what the teacher was saying. After the class ended Lukas went to the bathroom and pulled Philip in as he walked by.

"Whoa," Philip said.

"It's just me," Lukas said.

"I thought you didn't want anyone to know, '' Philip said.

"No one is in here," Lukas said as he pushed Philip against the wall. Placing his hand on his cheek and kissing him softly. 

Philip smiled against Lukas's lips before kissing him back. Gripping Lukas hips as he kept the kiss between them. Lukas pulled on Philips's bottom lip before pulling away. Lukas left the bathroom first and a few seconds later Philip left. Their schedules were different after the first period so they barely even saw each other. After school Lukas was making his way to his car when he noticed Philip. Philip was leaving the building but people were messing with him. Lukas rushed over when he saw them push Philip down. 

"Hey, leave him alone," Lukas said.

"We are just having fun with the new kid," someone said.

"Yeah weird new kid" someone else said.

"Leave him alone," Lukas said as he helped Philip up. 

The guys walked off and Lukas took Philip to his car.  They both got in the car and pulled off, Philip was pretty quiet on the ride. 

"What's wrong?" Lukas asked.

"Nothing, I'm fine," Philip said.

"No, you're not, what's wrong?" Lukas asked again.

"Nothing Lukas," Philip said.

"Babe?" Lukas said as he pulled over. 

"Just leave it alone," Philip said.

"No  I won't, I want to know what's wrong," Lukas said. 

"Just not a good day," Philip said.

"Who else is messing 'with you?" Lukas said. 

"Just everyone," Philip said. 

"Tell me who and I'll get them to back off, '' Lukas said.

"Can you just take me home?" Philip said. 

"Ok," Lukas said as he pulled off and took Philip home.  

Philip got out of the car and just went inside. Lukas pulled off and went home. He hated that Philip didn't have a good day and that people were messing with him. The next day Lukas was at his locker when Philip walked by. 

"I'm sorry about yesterday," Philip said.

"It's ok," Lukas said.

"What are your friends with the weird kid?" Rose said as she walked up.

"Mind your business Rose," Lukas said.

"Defensive much" Rose said as she crossed her arms.

"It's nothing, he was just asking me something," Lukas said.

"Uh-huh," Rose said as she grabbed Lukas's hand. "Sorry new boy he's mine," Rose said as she pulled Lukas away. 

Lukas looked back at Philip and mouthed sorry before walking Rose to her class.  He made his way to his class and sat down, not even saying anything to his friends. Philip walked in and took his seat as the teacher walked in. The class started and Lukas kept looking at Philip just wanting to know if he was ok. Lukas tried to focus on the class but he was just worried about Philip. After the class, Lukas waited for Philip to walk by the bathroom but he didn't. He knew he would see him at the prep rally later this afternoon. Lukas went on with his classes and afterward went to the prep rally. He was already sitting down, looking for Philip. As Philip was walking into the gym the two guys were right after him. They tripped him up and Philip fell to the ground. 

"Watch where you're going," the guy said.

"Yea new kid," the other one said laughing.

"Leave him alone" Lukas rushed over there.

"Aw, your boyfriend is here," the guy said.

"BACK OFF! " Lukas said as he helped Philip up. 

"Why do you care about this new kid so much?" Rose asked.

"His name is Philip!" Lukas said.

"And why do you care about him?" Rose asked.

"Because he's my boyfriend!" Lukas said. The mic was on and everyone could hear Lukas. 

"Are you serious?" Rose crossed her arms.

"Yes, I am," Lukas said as he looked at Philip. "So everyone can leave him alone!" Lukas said. 

"Babe calms down," Philip said.

"NO I'M SICK OF IT! Just because he's new means you tease and beat him? No that's not COOL" Lukas said. 

Philip grabbed Lukas's hand and pulled him out of the gym. Pushing him against the wall, resting his hand on Lukas's chest. 

"Calm down," Philip said. "Everyone knows now" he looked at Lukas.

"I don't care, you don't deserve that," Lukas said.

"Shh," Philip said as he tried to get Lukas to calm down.

"Are you ok?" Lukas asked.

"Yea I'm fine, hurt my wrist but I'm ok," Philip said.

"Let me see," Lukas said as he gently grabbed Philips's hand. 

"It's ok," Philip said as he looked at Lukas.

"Are you sure?" Lukas asked as he brushed his thumb against Philips' wrist

"Yes, babe," Philip said. 

"Ok" Lukas nodded. "I hate seeing you hurt," Lukas said.

"Come on, let's go," Philip said as he grabbed Lukas' hand.

They walked back into the gym and everyone started clapping for them. Mainly everyone was proud of Lukas for standing up for Philip. Proud of Lukas being ok with being himself and just being free. Lukas smiled and grabbed Philips's hips and kissed him softly. Philip smiled against his lips before kissing him back. They took a seat as the prep rally started, Lukas placed his arm around Phillps waist. 

"I can get used to this," Lukas said.

"What? Having me all to yourself?" Philip asked.

"Yes and just being myself" Lukas kissed Philip's cheek.

"It's great to be yourself," Philip smiled.

"Yea it is," Lukas nodded. "Still not ready to tell my dad yet," Lukas said,

"Baby steps," Philip said. "But I thought you were Rose's man," Philip said.

"You knew the truth from the start," Lukas said.

"I know," Philip said. 

After the prep rally, they left and Lukas dropped Philip off. He made it home and his dad was waiting for him. Someone told his dad what happened at the prep rally. 

"We need to talk," His dad said as he walked in.

"What about?" Lukas asked. 

"You," his dad said. 

"Ok" Lukas nodded and went into the kitchen. 

They had an open and honest conversation about Lukas's sexuality. His father was upset at first but then realized that this is what made his son happy. All he wanted was for Lukas to be happy. It wasn't as bad as Lukas made it out to be and his father supported him. Lukas went up to his room and laid down. He realized that everyone who cared about him only wanted what was best for him and for him to be happy. He texted Philip that he could come over and there was no more hiding. Philip made his way to Lukas's house. He went straight upstairs to where Lukas was at. Laying between Lukas's legs, resting his head on his chest. 

"How did he find out?" Philip asked.

"Someone told him about the prep rally," Lukas said.

"I'm sorry," Philip said.

"No don't be, it was a good conversation and he supports me," Lukas said.

"That's good babe," Philip said.

"Yea it is," Lukas said. "Breath of fresh air now," Lukas said.

"I'm happy for you," Philip said.

"I can always be with you now," Lukas smiled.

"Yes you can be," Philip said. 

They cuddle for the rest of the night. Lukas enjoyed being himself now and didn't feel the pressure of being someone else. He could be himself and be with the person he loved. Sometimes the things we are scared of aren't as scary as we think they are.

[heartsofgalaxies]

Social Media AU - Eyewitness

Missing these two & rewatched a few of my favorite scenes on YouTube today so here ya go. And Gabe would definitely be that Dad who comments on their pictures but the boys totally love.

[idealuk]

undefined

(x)

It’s Tyler Young/Iliana Raykovsk/James Paxton/Elise Collins (no, I don’t have time to continue to look for similar videos of them, but trust that those do exist) all over again and we‘re not complaining. ... We just miss Philkas!

(Honourary shout out to Chandler!)

[alexithyme]

My new video

Philip and Lukas are so sweet and sad...  The TV show is amazing Eyewitness (American TV series) The song is "Quiet lies" by Matthew Mayfield

[sassy-molassy]

HD + small screen for the best quality! ► Fandom: Eyewitness; ► Characters: Philip Shea, Lukas Waldenbeck; ► Song: Say you won't let go by James Arthur.

[kamalaaaakhan]

it’s missing philkas hours

[sweetrevengeance]

Don’t Close Your Eyes

pairing: Philip Shea/Lukas Waldenbeck (Eyewitness)

word count: 3228 

trigger warnings: !! suicide attempt !! 

A/N: yo!! this is a birthday gift for my bestest bro Gabe!!! h8 to make u sad on ur birthday bud but ur the one who requested self harm Philip for ur birthday so ur wish is my command I guess!! 

Read it on ao3 here.

It took Lukas a little while to warm up to being out. It had taken him multiple grueling months beforehand to even begin to come to terms with himself, and making that public took a toll on him at first. He never regretted it, because he loved Philip, but a part of him wished it had just been easier. Once the initial shock died down - when people stopped pausing him in the hallways to say ridiculous things like so which one of you is the girl? or it’s such a shame. you were so cute when you were straight. - Lukas couldn’t have been more of a romantic. When people stopped talking so much and he stopped caring so much about what those people thought, the world became a lot easier to navigate for Lukas, because his mind was set on only one thing almost all the time: loving Philip. If someone had told him that first night in the cabin that one day he, Lukas actual Waldenbeck, would be kissing Philip Shea by his locker every morning, strutting around all proud and giddy with his fingers sewn between Philip’s in between every class, loving this boy in plain sight and everyone knew, he probably would have punched them for saying something so insane. And maybe that’s what it took him so long to get over; the notion that loving Philip made something wrong with him. But, with a little bit of soul searching and a couple of near death experiences, Lukas embraced who he was and who he loved, and he decided everyone else should embrace it, too. To make up for all the time he spent unfairly forcing Philip into the dark, Lukas made sure everyone in the whole wide world that was Tivoli, New York knew that he loved Philip and wasn’t afraid to admit it anymore.

It was one of those mornings, when Lukas was feeling so extraordinarily in love and wanted to show it off. It was hardly 9 AM when Lukas pulled himself out of bed on a Saturday morning to bike down to the local florist and pick up a fresh bouquet of purple and blue flowers. Philip hated roses, but he liked flowers in general. Mostly, he liked sticking them in Lukas’ hair and taking cheesy polaroids, but Lukas was always up for that, since it always made Philip smile.

He thanked the young woman behind the counter when she handed him the small but beautiful bundle of flowers. He checked his phone for the time (9:32 AM), but found his screen displaying a message also. It was a text from Philip, reading simply: I love you, Lukas. He abandoned any idea of trying to surprise Philip with breakfast in bed or anything, but he had sort of figured that would be the case unless he woke up really early. Philip didn’t sleep very much anymore; he was always awake before Lukas. Typing out a quick response about loving him too, Lukas wondered if Philip had similar romantic plans for the morning, considering the random outburst of affectional declaration. He silently hoped a small bouquet of flowers would be enough as he climbed back onto his bike and shoved the helmet over his head.

With the flowers in his lap tucked half under his shirt, the sound of Lukas’ motorbike was almost the only thing breaking the small town air. It only took him a few minutes to drive through town and end up in the familiar driveway to Helen and Gabe’s house. He could probably drive there in his sleep, seeing the amount of time he’d come to spend in Philip’s bedroom or at their dinner table. He brought his bike to a stop on the lawn, noting the absence of cars around him and concluding that both Helen and Gabe weren’t home - Helen almost certainly at the sheriff station, Gabe probably out grocery shopping or enjoying the early June sunshine out on the water. He smiled. He loved Helen and Gabe like family, but sometimes being alone with Philip was greatly preferred. Lukas peeled off his helmet and gloves and swung a leg over his bike, dismounting. He tussed up his hair a little bit to get the shape of the helmet out of it and regripped the flowers in his hand. He was only a little bit concerned that Philip hadn’t walked out the door yet. Usually, the sound of his bike lured Philip to greet him with a kiss on the front porch, but the old screen door stayed perfectly in place, even as Lukas climbed the few porch steps.

He knocked thrice, loudly enough to be heard, but there was still no sign of Philip. Lukas knew he was awake because of the text, and he waited almost a full minute at the door, but it seemed it wasn’t going to get opened from the inside. His mind wandered as to why Philip wouldn’t answer the door. Was he right about Philip also pulling a romantic gesture this morning? Was it some sort of surprise? Was he even home? Maybe Philip had walked to Lukas’ house when Lukas was riding to his? Whatever the case, Lukas waited a few more seconds before finally bending down to grab the spare key from beneath the potted plant next to his feet. He unlocked the door and let himself in, not for the first time.

Upon initial entry, the house was eerily quiet. He was certainly right that Helen and Gabe weren’t home, but it didn’t sound like anyone was. The air felt too cold, the atmosphere was too hard to swallow correctly. It just seemed strange. Kicking off his riding boots, Lukas stepped into the kitchen, where a flash of eggshell white got caught in his peripheral. There was an envelope sitting hastily on the kitchen table with his name scrawled on the front.

The seemingly empty house and the single letter could have confirmed Lukas’ romantic suspicions if the handwriting on the envelope wasn’t so off. Philip didn’t have extraordinary penmanship to begin with, but the letters looked shaky and rushed like the pen was fighting with the fingers holding it. The breaks and waves in the blue inked Lu Lukas seemed so telltale of uncertainty - hell, he had to try to write the name twice, and even then it looked wobbly and uneasy. The envelope filled Lukas with worry.

He set down the flowers on the table, his fingers brushing over the paper in front of him nervously. He picked it up and read his name again before turning it over in his hands and opening up the flap on the back. It hadn’t even been sealed. A somewhat crumpled piece of notebook paper covered in the same blue pen ink was folded inside. It was blotchy and smudged in multiple places. Lukas only needed to read the first line to understand the situation. He dropped the letter and ran.

Luckily Lukas’ feet were functioning better than his mind. His head was so filled with anxiety and adrenaline and genuine dread that he could barely conjure a coherent thought, but his legs carried him up the stairs and around a corner to Philip’s bedroom. He swung the door open, his eyes darting across every inch of the quiet room, searching for something he didn’t want to find. But the room was empty, Philip was nowhere in sight.

“Shit.” Lukas breathed, his voice no more than a panicked whisper.

His head was still swimming in fear, his heart still pumping unrelentlessly. He turned and ran back down the stairs, turning a few more corners until he reached the bathroom. He was thankful he knew the house’s interior like the back of his bike. He darted out a hand and wriggled the doorknob to the bathroom. The door shook, but didn’t open. It was locked.

“Shit!” He proclaimed, louder this time. “Philip!”

The locked door undeniably revealed that Philip was inside, but no answer was given. Lukas called his name again, louder, more desperate, banging his fist on the door.

It was no use. He hoped against all hope that Philip was just ignoring him or knocked out. He hoped he wasn’t too late. He needed to get into the bathroom. With his heart hammering below his skin, Lukas made a decision. The house was old. The door was wooden. He needed to get to Philip.

Taking a step back and as deep a breath as he could muster in his panicked state, Lukas drew back his leg and pushed all of his force into the swing of a kick. His heel smashed against the bathroom door, just under the doorknob. It hurt like hell and he probably should have left his boots on, but the shot of pain prickling through his foot was the last thing on his mind. He reeled back and kicked again, hearing a crack this time. It only took him one more kick and the door flew open, its hinges whining. He scrambled to recover his balance. Head rushing and out of breath, Lukas finally stepped into the bathroom.

His stomach dropped.

His breath caught in his throat, and despite his pulse thundering through his veins, he swore his heart stopped.

Philip was lying in the bathtub, his eyes closed, his chest rising and falling alarmingly slowly. His arms and torso were covered in blood. His left arm was hanging off the edge of the tub, a razor blade lying on the floor perpendicular to it. Thick, dark droplets of red trailed across his palm and dripped slowly onto the floor, lingering on his fingertips for as long as possible until gravity pulled them from his skin. A small puddle was already formed on the tile. His other arm was resting weakly on his stomach, where the blood had pooled so much his hand was more red than pale. Deep, cavernous gashes shone on each of his wrists, blood still draining out of them, as it ostensibly had been for a while. Lukas yelled.

“Philip! Holy shit, no. No, no, no. Fuck!” He rushed to the tub, his head screaming at him not to panic and do something but his body refusing to come up with anything useful and panicking nonetheless. He dropped to his knees next to the tub, the small puddle from Philip’s left arm soaking into his jeans. The warmth of the blood snapped him into survival mode.

He yanked a towel from the rack behind him, taking Philip’s arm from the edge of the tub and tying the cloth tightly around his wrist. Philip winced a little, his eyes stirring slowly. Lukas frantically searched for another towel, but to no avail. Instead, he peeled the dark flannel off his shoulders and knotted it securely around Philip’s other wrist. His ankle was still throbbing from the door, but he didn’t care in the slightest. Once pressure was applied to both wrists, he reached into his pant pocket to pull out his phone. He slid to the emergency call screen and dialed 9-1-1 as fast as his shaking fingers could. The generic 9-1-1, what’s your emergency? greeted his ear a moment later.

“I need an ambulance! My boyfriend, he - he tried to kill himself and he’s bleeding so much and -” He couldn’t make it through the whole sentence. Saying the words out loud forced the welling in his eyes to spill over and his voice to break with a small sob.

“Sir, what’s the location?”

Lukas spat out the address into the phone, hanging up once the woman assured him an ambulance was on its way.

“Philip, hey, can you hear me?” Lukas asked desperately, bringing both his hands to the side of Philip’s face, slapping his cheeks a little bit in an attempt to make him coherent. Philip tilted his head and groaned lowly, and Lukas let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

“Philip, it’s me, it’s Lukas. P-Please say something.” He was still crying, harder now. It took Philip a full five seconds to open his eyes, and those few moments felt like years to Lukas.

“Lukas?” Philip’s voice was weak and depleted, but it was there.

“I’m right here, baby. I-I called an ambulance, you’re gonna be okay. Please, I need you to be okay.” He shook Philip’s head a little bit with nervous gesticulations.

Philip winced and drew his hand up sluggishly to grip Lukas’ arm, just below where the blond was touching his face. “I’m sorry, Lukas. I love you. I’m sorry.”

“No!” Lukas shouted as Philip’s eyes drooped half way and he put his hand back on his stomach. “Philip! I love you so much, please - please just stay with me. Please.” He took one hand from Philip’s face and grabbed his boyfriend’s hand, ignoring the blood that smeared across his fingers.

“Don’t close your eyes, Philip, please. Look at me, yeah? Look at me. Please, please stay with me, Philip.”

Philip’s eyes fluttered, alternating between giving up and falling closed and struggling to meet Lukas’ gaze. He was trying, and that was all Lukas could do until the ambulance arrived - make Philip keep trying, keep holding on. So he kept squeezing Philip’s hand and he kept rambling about how much he loved and needed Philip and he kept crying, waiting for the sound of sirens to make its way into Helen and Gabe’s driveway.

***

Lukas hated hospitals. He hated the stale air, the way it hung all heavy and musty around his head, clouding his windpipe with distant stenches of dismay. He hated the lights, always too bright in the way that made them somehow not bright enough, flickering lowly like they were trying to steal the life from the patients and take it for themselves. He hated the waiting rooms, the way everyone looked at each other with pity in their gazes, trying to gauge who had it the worst or who’d been sitting there the longest. He hated not knowing if his boyfriend was alive or not.

For probably the fourth time in a minute, Lukas found his hands tugging his hair and his elbows digging into his knees. His uninjured foot bounced anxiously up and down without relent, shaking his whole body. His other ankle had stopped throbbing thanks to the pain meds a nurse forced him to take. It was wrapped too tightly in an ace bandage. Apparently he’d sprained it kicking down the door, but honestly he couldn’t care less with no news of Philip still. It had been almost two hours. Two hours of Lukas jittering and sitting hunched over with his head down, Gabe occasionally placing a comforting hand on his back, Helen pacing and bickering with nurses, and people staring solemnly at them all, wondering what horror brought them in. Lukas’ mouth was dry. He couldn’t wait any longer.

Just as he was half-legitimately contemplating going on a small rampage, throwing open every door in the entire hospital until he found Philip, a tired looking nurse in that ugly off-white uniform stepped into the waiting room with a clipboard under her arm.

“The family of Philip Shea?”

Lukas was on his feet and in front of the nurse so fast his head spun. Gabe and Helen were by his side in less than three seconds. “What’s going on? Is he…?”

“Philip is in stable condition,” Lukas exhaled at the nurse’s proclamation, relief flooding his brain and his heart. Philip was alive. “But he lost a lot of blood so he’s pretty weak and tired. We don’t want to overwhelm him, so we’re asking only one visitor at a time.”

Lukas looked almost pleadingly at Helen and Gabe, giving them a small it’s your call shrug.

“Go, Lukas.” Gabe nodded, draping an arm around his wife and blinking back tears. “He’ll want to see you most.”

“Thank you.” Lukas breathed. He knew Helen and Gabe were just as worried, and he appreciated greatly that they let him go first.

“Right this way.” The nurse smiled softly. She had that kind of smile you have to have to work in a hospital; the shit sucks but I have to be polite about it smile. He followed her down two hallways, taking a left and then a right until she stopped outside a closed door. “I’ll give you two some time.”

Lukas could hear his pulse in his ears. The cold metal of the doorknob stung his hand. He turned it quickly and stepped into the room.

Philip was propped up in the bed, a faded blue hospital gown hanging loosely on his shoulders and torso. An IV bag was dripping slowly and steadily into his right arm. Slightly stained bandages wrapped both of his wrists. His eyes opened halfway upon hearing someone’s entrance.

“Hey, Lukas.” Philip piped up, his voice small and croaky. He shot a sad smile toward the door. Lukas rushed to the bedside, pulling up a chair from along the wall and sitting down, grabbing his boyfriend’s hand gently.

“Hey, Philip.” Only two words and Lukas’ voice was already cracking, his eyes welling up for the umpteenth time. Philip saved him momentarily from having to try to talk through his tears.

“Listen, I- I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have put you through this. Helen and Gabe, too, none of you deserved this. I really didn’t mean to hurt anyone - well, except myself. I was just so - I’m just - I couldn’t -”

“Hey, hey.” It was Lukas’ turn to save Philip from trying to talk. “You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. No one is upset with you. We’re all just relieved that you’re alive. You don’t know how badly I needed you to be okay, and you are, and that’s all that matters to me. I really don’t know what I’d do without you, Philip.” He reached a hand to Philip’s cheek. The last time his hand was in that position, Philip was covered in blood and nearly comatose. He blinked the image out of his mind.

“I love you, Lukas. I should’ve come to you, I’m sorry.” Philip shook his head, the first droplet of water running down his face.

“It’s okay, babe, you don’t have to keep apologizing.” Lukas swept the moisture away with the pad of his thumb. “I love you, too. So, so much.”

As if to prove his point further, Lukas leaned down to press a kiss to Philip’s lips. It was soft and sweet and absolutely bursting with love and life.

“Will you stay?” Philip mumbled against Lukas’ mouth, voice pleading.

“Of course.” He figured they’d have to let Gabe and Helen in eventually, especially if Philip said he wanted them all there, so Lukas would stay with his boyfriend until then. Philip pulled back to shuffle over, wincing at the weight he put on his wrists. There wasn’t really enough room for both of them on the single bed, but neither really cared, and Lukas climbed into the small space Philip had cleared for him. He slung an arm behind Philip’s waist and kissed his temple. Strands of unkempt brunet hair splayed across Lukas’ shirt when Philip settled into his chest. Philip closed his eyes, and Lukas’ heart and stomach felt light with the knowledge that this time, he knew they would open again.

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