#sorry Sunday the first time I draw you it's vent art

[icelectricspyro]

repent

[maxem-lgbtq-supprt-help-vent]

The Uglier it sounds...

The Uglier it sounds, the more painful it gets, yet the better the sealing the wound does.

I was bullied from 1st grade, changed lots of schools between each academic year multiple times from this.

During fourth grade, I developed my passion for art and drawing, doodling my ideas away. My first drawing was basically a furry with a friend... My true solo was Bowser Jr, as I was very hyperfixated with Mario games. I developed lots of strange and grotesque art as well, due to internet influence and me also being bullied, mixing the two into one ventful art full of sides, dark and happy, evil and good, sad and content. This doesn't stop me.

Even so far as moving to the United States, where I got into Chestnut South, the Chestnut Accelerated Middle School, with North being well, TAG being Talented and Gifted, and South being the worst. I was located deep within trouble makers. I excelled once Top 10 students of the entire school... Yet the bullying debris was horrid. Staff, counselors, and many more never left a day without seeing me at least twice in the schooling hours.

When I was being bullied on an art class, I was already uncontrolled, I was not seeing anyone for behavior issues. What I did was only the memory of what I could remember... The rest was a blur of darkness and stress and crying... For the first time, I defend myself using a chair and threw it across the table to the bully's legs, and had to be taken to the nurse, and I withdrawn from the classroom. Last I remember on his sentence, was the most shocking yet most hypocritical thing that he spewed out... Isaiah Figeroah, I'll never forget that sentence of your bullshit... "I thought we were friends."

We were never friends. I never did anything to you, asshole. You sought out to abuse me on my academic years, and your screaming in my ears ring to this day. Your idiocy made me insecure, you made me manic.

When I got into high school, I fell in love with a best friend female, who I still contact barely to this day. Our relationship became too unstable that we cut for years. When I got admitted to the inpatient, I began crushing on another best friend who I resulted to being clingy, possessive and sought attention, and made it so broken that they and all groups evaded me to this day. I wish I could say sorry, but to each our own. Each memory we made of fun is now only but pain and regret whenever it crosses. It is only null, but numb... When I entered college, COVID was around harsh. My depression and my third relationship was one of toxic miscommunication and full of traumatic separation anxiety. I no longer know if this person even lives to this day, for troubles follow them. When I fell in love with a person long distance, I was encouraged too much by love that I flew all the way to Idaho, only for discovering it was an incompatible romance. Returning to MA was only welcomed by my mother.

During the frame of Idaho friend, I overdosed once for the first time, I remember taking those pills and I remember it was a winter sunday... I regretted my decision and called emergency... Worst thing ever.

Now... All of that comes to now... I have a committed relationship with a beautiful transwoman, who I still love and will soon reach one year anniversary with, I have a job yet will find a better one.

If I haven't called, I would've never met those who I have met today and furtherpast.

Sure... The Uglier it Sounds, the more painful it gets, yet the better the sealing the wound does.

And so far... It is semi worth it, adulting ain't fun but I get to see myself become better with my own harsh past and my life and mentality.

It feels nice to be alive, even if it's one step at a time and ten backwards...

[totaldramafan-lauri]

So.....I wasn’t originally gonna share this, but eh.......

On top of Eurovision, I’ve also been really into Friday Night Funkin’ recently thanks to a friend of mine introducing me to it.....and its plethora of popular mods. In particular, there was one mod that caught my attention....a-and....well.....h-hasn’t let it go yet......Mainly there’s this one really cool character that’s been on my mind a lot, so.....

S-so, I uh.....made an OC. A-and....I wrote a profile for her yesterday....

I-I guess I’ll share this, cuz I feel like there.....might be a possibility that I’ll do something with her in the future? Cuz I do have some story ideas.....I-it’s just a matter of finding the confidence to get back into writing.....I-I dunno if it’ll happen, but it might.

I-it’s kinda....embarrassing, tho....I-it’s been a while since I’ve made an OC purely to be a....well, simp, but here we are.....>//////>

(Also, the picture below is NOT drawn by me. I’m not an artist. It was drawn by the same friend.)

Name: Lina (she doesn't remember her last name...or her original first name for that matter) Height: 5'2" Quotes: "I-I'm sorry!" "Ms. Sarvente would know what to do...." "I hope I don't forget what happened today..." "D-don't look, please..." "W-were you listening? O-oh gosh- uh-" Age: In the 20s range Eye Color: White (in another art style, her eyes would be purple) Hair: Black, waist-length, pretty thick, and usually pretty messy due to her not having the energy to brush it all (she usually makes some kind of effort before going to the church, but it's not a lot) Build(Body Type/Shape/Any Scars Or Markings): Pretty thin. Not stick thin, though, as she does have curves and a pretty decent chest size (that she hides under her sweatshirt most of the time), but she's still pretty thin. She doesn't eat as much as she should. Normal Outfit(The clothes they most commonly wear): A baggy baby blue sweatshirt with a simple sleeveless pink dress underneath, and a matching pink scarf. Knee-high white socks and baby blue slip-on shoes. When it's really warm out, or when she's lounging at home, she'll take off the sweatshirt and scarf and just wear her dress, but most of the time she likes being covered. It makes her feel safe. General Personality: Lina is a very timid, shy woman who is scared of opening up and spilling her feelings out to people, not wanting to be a burden. She has really bad social anxiety, but attempts to be kind and polite to people, even with her lack of experience in social situations. She's always carrying a notebook with her, writing in it frequently. Most of the time, she's very quiet, but when she gets riled up or excited about something, she can talk more than you think. However, she has a tendency to stutter and stumble over her words a lot, especially when anxious or flustered. Her anxiety is bad enough that she hates asking people for things and is scared to draw too much attention to herself (due to awkward experiences with her roommate). She looks up to Sarvente and wishes she could be like her, and loves helping her whenever she can, liking the feeling of being useful (and, although she'll never admit it, to catch glimpses of Ruv). In her writing, she shows a more poetic, hopeless romantic side to her that she's too embarrassed to share, spilling it out into the lyrics she writes. She also uses her writing to vent the feelings she's too terrified to share with the world - her infatuation with Ruv, her feelings of jealousy towards Sarvente, her want and desire to become someone she can never be. She hates her feelings, and she's scared of her feelings.... Other random facts: -Lina is so bothered by her unknown past that she's absolutely terrified of forgetting things. This is the reason why she kept carrying around notebooks. She's been doing this for so long that if she's ever separated from her current notebook, she'll have an anxiety attack. -She's currently unemployed, but is able to continue living with her roommate as long as she takes care of the house. She's flat broke most of the time, only being leant money for her writing, so she doesn't have a phone. She only eats when her roommate does, but on the rare occasion she has extra money, she'll treat herself. -Like all FNF characters, Lina is musically talented - she writes songs (although she hasn't shared them), and she can sing decently well. She's scared of singing in front of others, but does it to herself all the time. However, she has very little experience with RAPPING specifically, making her a pretty easy opponent. -Her favorite colors are pastels, especially blues and pinks. -Besides going to the church on Sunday, she doesn't have much of a schedule, mainly just being alone in the house on most days. -She has a MAJOR weakness for cats. If she sees a cat, she'll immediately go to watch or pet it. Cats are the easiest way to make her smile. -She's normally pretty clumsy, and not physically strong at ALL. She can handle housework just fine, but not heavy lifting. She also can't cook at ALL. Please help her, the woman's a mess -Despite attending church, she's mostly agnostic. She mainly goes just to hang in the back of a side isle and watch Sarvente and Ruv. -Lina doesn't know that Sarvente is a demon, seeing her as a normal nun like the rest of the public. She's also unaware that Ruv is a criminal. -While she's talked with Sarv, she's never spoken directly to Ruv, being too nervous to. He's looked at her a few times, and that's been enough to send her into a frenzy. Likes: Music, writing, feeling useful, inspiration, being at the church, seeing Ruv, when people are nice to her, cats, pastel colors, sunny days, the rare times she's proud of something she wrote, pizza (she associates it with her roommate being nice to her, so it's her favorite food) Dislikes: Forgetting things, being put on the spot, loud noises (like thunder), large crowds, asking for things, being seen crying, when people ask to see her writing, whenever she feels jealous of Sarvente, embarrassing herself in front of Ruv, her body Powers/Skills: No powers. She's a normal human. Skills, however....she can write poetry and music, she can sing, and she's a pretty smart thinker when she's not stressed. Weapons: None Backstory: Lina was found at the site of a horrible accident by the person who would become her roommate, who felt sorry for her and took her in. She had no memory of her life before the accident, being left a scared woman with no past...a blank slate.

At first, she was a wreck, understandably. She tried desperately to remember her past, but nothing worked. Even as she settled into her new life, the fact that she couldn't remember who she was ate away at her day in and day out. Feeling sorry for her, her roommate gave her a notebook to make notes in. Lina found that that helped a lot, and discovered how much she loved writing.

Over time, her roommate started becoming apathetic toward the little "freeloader", and a deal was made so that she could continue living with them until she could somehow get a job: she was to clean and watch the tiny house while they were away at work. She didn't mind this deal since it made her feel less guilty. During her free time, Lina also discovered her love of music, and began singing to herself while alone.

She eventually accepted the fact that she may never remember her past, but at least she can try her hardest to make sure she never forgets again. She began carrying a notebook with her wherever she went, and continues to store all her old notebooks in her room. She never throws any page away.

She records everything: her thoughts, her plans, everything noteworthy that happens to her, and every lyric she thinks of. She finds it relaxing to spill her heart onto the pages, so no one will ever hear her say them....this is especially true after she meets THEM. After meeting Sarvente one day, Lina is invited to join a church. She's unsure at first, but decides to go. And that's where it all began....she met Ruv (well...more like she saw him talking to Sarv), and immediately took to him. Tall, stoic, intimidating...and yet, Lina could see a softness in him whenever he was with Sarvente. She wished she could meet someone like that....someone strong, who could protect her and keep her safe...

And over time, she realized that she couldn't get him off her mind. As if...she was fixated on him. She found herself writing about him a lot. And then she realized that she was very rapidly developing a crush on the man. Being unable to remember what a crush feels like, it was a lot to adjust to at once, but she found herself really liking the feeling....that is, until she realized that she could never hope to achieve the same closeness to him that Sarvente has. She wished she was like Sarvente....

...She realized that she had become jealous of someone who had only ever been kind to her. And she hated it. So, Lina hid her feelings away once again.

Currently, Lina visits the church every week. She's always the first to arrive, and the last to leave. Even when people come and go, she always sits in the back of one of the side isles, writing away in her notebook. She simply likes the feeling of being in the church. The safe atmosphere, Sarvente's kindness, and the possibility of seeing HIM. Sarvente has noticed how long Lina stays for, and sometimes asks her for volunteer work, which she's happy to provide. However, although Sarvente is happy to have a regular visitor, she also doesn't take Lina very seriously, talking to her as if she was a child due to her appearance (if she HAS caught on to Lina's crush on Ruv, she hasn't said anything because of this). "Oh, little Lina, you're so cute!" Lina doesn't mind the headpats and squeals, but has a hard time believing that she's "cute" in any way. Lina looks up to Sarvente, treating her with a lot of respect, calling her "Ms. Sarvente". Sarvente calls Lina "little Lina". Lina likes helping out, but...she also often feels insecure and inadequate due to constantly comparing herself to Sarvente.

One day, after the church closes and Lina is on her way out the door, she runs into someone who Sarvente had a recent tussle with...a guy with blue hair.

(There she is, the tiny pastel nerd.....seriouslyIlovethispiceeeeeeeeebigthankstomyfriendfordesigningheroutfit)

[programmingmadness]

Hi there! I’m a woman and I’d love to make video games in the future, but I’m so worried that I’ll end up being horrible at it. I’ve taken a C++ class and did okay? But I wasn’t that great. I’m currently searching for a college that has Game Design as a major to transfer to which has increased my worries of inadequacy. I know I’m a horrible artist, so if I’m a bad coder my dreams of doing this are basically crushed. Sorry this was more of a vent than a question, I just don’t know what to do :(

Hi!

First of all: video games are awesome and I’m really glad you found something you want to make in them! Doing what you love helps a lot while getting through university and then later the tough times at a job.

My most important message for this post is “Don’t let being a woman stop you from pursuing what you love” and that’s bolded because it is that important. That being said, I know it’s an easy thing to say but not necessarily an easy thing to do. The reason I’m saying this is that what you’re experiencing sounds a lot like Impostor Syndrome (which I’ve written about at the start of this post, and some other more specific posts) - basically it makes you feel inadequate and like you can’t do as much as your peers for no objective reason, often because you belong to a non-dominant group in the field/subject you’re pursuing (like being a woman in programming/video games).

So you think you’re going to suck at making video games, but what actually gives you that idea? If you did okay in your first coding class, that’s already a sign that you are not out of place. Wanna know how my C++ class went? Ha. I mean I didn’t fail and ended up learning it pretty well in the end, but the process. Oh boy. We stayed up so many Sunday nights trying to get our code to compile and at one point our tutor just accused us of not even trying (still mad about that guy, honestly). And that was after already knowing Java fairly well. C++ is hard to learn so don’t let that discourage you! If you want to find out if programming is for you, do some online courses, e.g. on Python or Java (I’d actually recommend Java here since a quick google search said Java is also used for game development so you’ll get a head start here). You can do this at home, without needing to compare yourself to anyone else. Just remember that we’ve all been there, stared at the screen looking for that one syntax error or logic error we just couldn’t find. Honestly. Still happens to me, my colleagues, everyone.

As for art, I’d just recommend practicing. I don’t know what your actual difficulties are here, but giving yourself a solid foundation in technique will help you in any case. If you struggle with designing worlds, characters, things, a good technique will also help you create whatever you do imagine. There are tons of Youtube videos on art and how to improve and I’d recommend getting into them (message me if you want some names and I’ll make you a list). These videos are really motivational for me because the artists are enthusiastic about what they do so it jumps over to me wanting to do it as well. And practice, practice, practice and remember that not everyone you will be studying with is good at art either.

Studying itself is another topic that many people have a distorted image of. You will not be expected to know anything at the beginning of your degree. The programming part of your degree? Will be 100% taught to you at university, no prior knowledge required. Anyone who comes in with programming skills is at an extra advantage, sure, but if they’re not coding at home all the time these differences will sort themselves out over the course of your degree. The art part will of course require that you know how to draw to some degree, but I’m pretty sure that you’ll focus a lot on how to design instead of how to draw a perfect “Thing X”, and although some people have a natural talent for this kind of thinking, you will be taught how to do it even if it’s harder for you. And making it all into a coherent game is just the same as the above - you write stories in your free time? Congrats, but that doesn’t mean that someone who doesn’t can’t learn it, and the degree is there to teach you. I know this has been a long rant but I just really want to emphasize that you don’t have to stress so much about your current knowledge or talents. No amount of talent will substitute practice and that is something you can absolutely do.

What does that leave us with?

Do it. Don’t worry about being bad at something you essentially haven’t tried yet. Do it, try it, and if you’re bad at some part of it, you can always focus on the other areas once you’re finished with university.*

If you want to set your mind to rest, practice before you start your degree. But always remember that anything you do now gives you an advantage, no matter how bad you think you’re doing at the time. That thing you struggled for three hours with only to make it kinda work and kinda not work? When it comes up in class you will already have thought about and done it, which is an advantage others do not have!

Try to enjoy the ride. You are following your dreams and that’s exciting! Focus on doing it, on learning to do what you love instead of what happens if you don’t make it. (I know that “the journey is the reward” is an awful platitude but sometimes it kinda is. Or not the reward maybe, but an awesome part of the process of getting where you want to be.)

Lastly, I hope you can overcome your feelings of inadequacy at least for so long that you’ll give yourself a chance to succeed. Just go and do it, who knows where your hidden talents lie or where hard work will get you? Even if you don’t think so, you’ve got this.

* Here comes my usual addendum of university vs. job life: Studying is not at all like working in your field is. In university, you can feel like you’re in competition with everyone and that you have to know everything in order to succeed. In a job, you work in a team to accomplish a shared goal and you learn new things every day. Also, although you have to study all parts of making a video game, you will most likely not have to do all parts once you work on an actual game (if you’re not doing a really small indie game that is). Not good at programming? Do art and game design. Not good at art? Do the other stuff. Do only one of them that you can do. There are no mandatory courses any more. Do what you’re best at and try to improve on the rest.

[hashtagdima-blog]

Tomorrow is toonsday. A day which has become very important in my life. But today is Monday. I didn't want to wake up today. No really. I've been in bed from 8am when I woke up until 12pm wondering whats going to happen next. I just didn't want to wake up. To know the full scope of the story let me take you back to Saturday. The perfect disaster. See I have come to accept that I am going to be great in life. The amount of evil that comes to prevent my success is testament to that. clearly someone in the low below department doesn't want me to succeed. Let me break it down to you. So this Saturday I was given an awesome opportunity to create live art at the Lyricist Lounge Tanzania 3rd Anniversary Show. Its a huge opportunity. Great event and the perfect place for me to network and grow my art. So Saturday was a simple plan. Wake up. prepare all the work and cross check if everything is fine. Come up with a plan for how to make the art more interactive with the audience. Everything was pitch perfect. Well up until an hour from the event. This is like sixish to sevenish. Me and my manager load up the car with the equipment. Everything checks out. Nothing is left behind. We got two backpacks full of cables and accessories, seated next to a screen in the backseat, And a PC in the boot. Basically our entire office is on the move. If you were letting an office space we would move right in. With the car fully stacked and we looking prime for the day only one thing was left. The car was more dirty than Samuel L Jacksons vocabulary in Pulp Fiction. Oh it was dirty. And we were going to a posh neighbourhood. Who knew that this one car wash would be the end of us. From home the car wash was about 5 minutes away. We got there for a quick in and out. Just spray the exterior, wipe and we out. while chilling watching the guys take care of the car, we brainstormed final pieces of how to run the night. Everything seemed to connect and for our first art event it was going to be pretty awesome. Soon as the car was clean. From instinct we decided to pop the boot. something seemed off. Yes something was very off. The PC was way way off. Water had seeped through the boot and dropped right on the PC. The water entered the case's vents and spilled onto the motherboard. It was drenched. The Graphics card, circuits, RAM. All was wet. Yep hearts dopped. but we played it cool. We took the air pump and blew the water off until the mains where completely dry. And so the disaster began. This was us. Two gangsters heading to our dismay knowingly. See we knew we were screwed. I really wanted to say fucked. So i'm just going to say fucked. Sorry. Oh we were totally fucked. But we played it cool. Drove to location in what was our most silent conversations to date. How can we talk when its time to pray. Serious prayers were needed here. When we got to the location we set up equipment as normal. Plugged everything in. And yes. Prayed it all works well. But thats life. Everything failed. PC wouldn't start. Many attempts later we moved to plan B. Oh plan B was created right after plan A failed. Our only mission then was to call off the live drawing and pull out the laptop and just showcase old toons. This is the part you wont believe. The Laptop didnt work either. Tried restarting several times but it kept freezing. Yep. We packed everything back into the car. Came back bought some beer and chilled like nothing happened. We may have lost the night but we were not going to let it get to us. Now you know what happened on Saturday. In short, computer got water. Its ok. Sunday I didn't turn it on. As we all know I posted some sketches I drew on paper with a pen. Lets just say tuning on the computer was not on my brave list. So today Monday I woke up late. Avoiding the truth. If the computer doesn't work its hell for me. Two computers dead in 3 months! I would need an exorcism My manager too just in case. And the office just to make sure. But I can happily say I typed this on the computer. it works fine. Its toonsday tommorrow #toonsday #DIMA #doesItMeanArt