#sorry for being barely active here in the past 2 months lol

[helga-grinduil]

turns out i cannot, in fact, mantain a stable online presence on 2 platforms at the same time 😔

[0097linersb]

Pink Lemonade

CHAPTER 1

Pairings: Jaemin x Renjun x Haechan x Jeno x Mark x Reader

Genre: Smut, Fluff, Humor (I guess), Slow burn af

Summary: The dreamies decide to spend some weeks at an Inn in the middle of the nature to relax and enjoy some outdoor adventures, far away from their crazy idol life. What they didn’t expect was the nice girl running said Inn.

Word count: 3k

You should read the intro first so this story makes sense <3

☼  previous / next  ☼

A/N: Honestly guys this fic will probably be long and detaild af ‘cause I’m using it as a distraction from real life lol guess who just finished their engagement. If u would like it to be more straightforward and go right to the fun parts let me know, I’d really like some opinions! Also, it’s like 2 AM so I’ll proofread it tomorrow 

As you woke up the next day, you were not shocked to find that the boys were not up yet. Last night you were surprised to come downstairs to an already fully cleaned kitchen and as much as it made you embarrassed, it also made you immensely grateful. You thanked them and told them to stop being so nice and doing your job for you, to which Mark only responded that seven guys could be really messy sometimes.

You had given them the folders that informed all the activities the Inn (well, you) offered and the ones they could book in the city a few minutes away, it made you smile at how excited they got reading the paper and planning their days. Haechan was already asking if they could go stargazing that same night but the rest of them groaned saying they were way too tired to move after the long trip (and you felt bad once again for having them clean the kitchen).

Everyone eventually agreed on a time for breakfast and you were just sure they wouldn’t wake up that early by the dark circles under their eyes and, turns out you were right. They did go to sleep pretty early the other night, showering after the meal you had and just going straight to bed.

You lazily stretched as you left your room with Koda and Kenai tracing after you, to find a very much awake Jaemin sitting on the living room’s couch holding a cup.

“Good morning, did you make coffee?” You yawned at the boy, scolding Koda so he would get off the couch.

“Good morning. Yeah, sorry for taking the liberty, I really needed to wake up,” He smiled at you, petting your disobedient dog with his free hand so he could get distracted from the way your shirt had ridden up. Damn morning horniness.

“It’s ok, smells good. Are the rest of the boys awake?”

“Nop, and probably won’t be for a while. I know we agreed on going to the lake at 8 but everyone’s dead, I can wake them up if-“

“No, it’s ok,” You laughed. “I imagined this would happen, not a fan of waking up early myself.”

“Oh, you can go back to sleep if you want, I can knock when everyone starts waking up.”

“Don’t worry. You just really made me want some coffee.”

“I left it downstairs, I can go get you a cup.”

“Jaemin, we’re playing opposites here, don’t make me feel useless,” You joked, already making your way to the stairs, missing how the man stared at your legs in your little pajama shorts. “Plus, I need to take the boys on a walk before they become too fidgety.”

“Can I come with?”

“Of course.”

Jaemin was quick to stand up and follow you downstairs, where you quickly poured yourself a cup of coffee and opened the door, the dogs running past you excitedly. You silently lead the way out of your property and into the unpaved road, warming your hands with the coffee mug – The days were hot but the nights and early mornings could be quite chilly, especially with all the trees surrounding you and blocking the sunshine from reaching you.

“Do they sleep with you?” Jaemin asked, pointing at the dogs who were sniffing around the bushes on the side of the road, like they didn’t do this same route every day.

“Sometimes, they often prefer to stay outside, lots of animals to chase when I’m not there to scream at them.”

“They don’t wear leashes?”

“No need to, there’s barely people here and they are really well-behaved. I trained them well, Koda just gets a little bold when we have new guests over,” You smiled, remembering not even 5 minutes ago said dog was trying to get on Jaemin’s lap on the couch. “Do you like tangerines?”

The boy looked at you confused but nodded.

“Wait a second,” You asked before leaving him, walking off the road and into the trees. After a minute or so, you were back, throwing one of the orange fruits at Jaemin. “I steal them from the neighbors sometimes.”

“Will we get in trouble?” He asked but was already peeling the tangerine with his hands.

“Nah, they are never here. These would just rot.”

“Seems only fair then.”

You walked for another few minutes in silence, eating happily as you appreciated the sound of your feet crushing the small rocks on the floor.

“Ok, tangerines do not go well with coffee,” You make a face after eating half of your fruit, only now stopping to pay attention to the actual taste in your mouth.

Jaemin laughs at you before putting his last slice into his mouth, “Cute.”

“There’s nothing cute about this flavor.”

“Didn’t bother me,” He shrugged, smiling down at you.

Damn that boy was too attractive for his own good. You meant, all of them were.

It was just unfair, really.

The two of you talked a bit more until you hit the end of the road and then made your way back, it was a light-hearted comfortable conversation and you liked the way it made you feel warm inside. You learnt that Jaemin likes to photograph stuff and you asked him to take lots of pictures during their stay so you could use them on the Inn’s social media, telling him you shared that hobby with him. You then started a discussion about digital vs. film photography, in which you two clearly didn’t agree on, but it kept you entertained for a long time.

“Listen, technology evolved to this point to make life comfortable and easier for a reason!” Jaemin whined as you two were entering your property once again. “Is there something worse than developing your pictures only to find out your film was ruined?”

“That’s the thrill of it!” You exasperated.

“I call that heartbreak.”

“It’s a raw form of art for the strong hearted,” You sigh dramatically, opening the door for the man.

After your half an hour walk, as you got back home, only Renjun was up, pouring himself some coffee and looking super sleepy.

“Good morning, slept well?” You asked as Jaemin made his way to sit down on the table after getting Renjun to pour him some more coffee.

“Yeah, this is the first time I dreamt in months,” He smiled at you but his eyes were still half closed. Like you, Renjun was still in his pajamas, light sweatpants and a wrinkled white t-shirt.

“Do you guys want to eat something before breakfast?” You asked, not knowing how long they would have to wait for the others.

“It’s ok,” Jaemin answered.

“If you change your mind just let me know,” You smiled, wondering on what to do now, since you had already prepared the food for today last night and didn’t have any other chores until everyone was up so you could make their beds.

You figured the boys would drink their coffees and go talk or lay down in the hammocks, maybe even try to nap a bit but you were proven wrong when Renjun pointed at the end of the table suddenly excited, “Are those cards?”

“Yeah.”

“Can we play?”

“Of course.”

The man was quick to pick up the little box and sit down across the table from Jaemin, who tapped the place next to him before you had the chance to leave. You happily took on the offer, content with finally spending some fun time with people your age. No, scratch that: Attractive men your age.

“Let’s play Rummy!” Renjun suggested, the sleepiness leaving his body at the simple thought.

“I have no idea how to play that,” You informed.

“It’s ok, I’ll teach you. Come closer,” Jaemin smiled at you and you obeyed, heart beating fast at your thighs suddenly touching. What were you? 12?

The game was way too complicated for your morning brain to understand so you basically just watched the boys play, giving your input here and there.

“Jaemin, here!” You excitedly pointed at one of the cards he was holding.

“Oh, I had missed that, smart girl,” He smiled at you, patting your thigh as a thank you or maybe a praise, making your heart almost leave your body through your mouth. 

Freaking pet names dude.

After an hour or so playing, Jeno and Haechan appeared already fully clothed and awake. The second boy gave you and Jaemin a weird look, noticing how the boy’s right hand was just casually resting on your thigh. At some point it just happened and it felt comfortable (if you ignored your blood pumping through your body twice the normal speed, of course), it had been months since you had flirted with someone and you were enjoying the touch fully, thoughts of being professional nowhere to be found.

You greeted the boys and they sat down too, informing Mark and Chenle would be down in a second and Jisung would just skip breakfast to sleep. You decided then to get up and leave them to chat as you went into the pantry to organize the food you had prepared yesterday, into the baskets.

“Dude,” Haechan whispered to Jaemin.

Just by looking at the boy, Jaemin already knew what he wanted to comment on so he just, “Don’t.”

“Game on, bro.”

“What? This is not a game, we were just-“

“I said game on, bro.”

Jaemin sighed and gave up, knowing Haechan was just joking and being annoying as usual.

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After all the men (minus Jisung) were downstairs and ready to go, you guided them down to the lake, setting up one of those cliché plaid towels for everyone to sit on. As you and Mark organized the foods around, you smiled at the others running around the grass and taking pictures, impressed at the view. The lake really was pretty and your property had a privileged clearing to sit down and enjoy it.  

“I would love to say they are normally not this energetic,” Mark smiled at you, placing the bowl with the grapes and strawberries down. “But I’d be lying.”

“It’s refreshing, I rarely deal with people my age around here. We didn’t add bingo to the activities’ folder for no reason.”

“There are no clubs or bars around here?”

“The biggest city around has barely 2.000 habitants so I’ll say no to that. Although this region is becoming really famous for the ecotourism these days, they opened a nice pub for the tourists like last month but there’s only ever people during the weekends.”

“Well, if you ever go to Seoul, let me take you out,” Mark offered before realizing what he had said and stiffening, cheeks going red like the watermelon juice in your hands. “I mean, like, to show you the places and-“

“That sounds fun,” You smiled at him, deciding to end his misery right from the start. He was cute. “Boys, the food is ready.”

Jeno excitedly dropped Haechan down (who he was holding for a picture) and ran over, leaving a very whiny boy on the floor. Jaemin took a picture of that and soon enough, everyone was sitting down on the picnic clot.

“Wow, it looks like we’re in a movie,” Renjun awed, looking around.

It really did, that’s why you liked bringing the guests to this spot on their first day. After everything was set, the scenery resembled a Renaissance painting and you loved it. It was a bit hotter than normally since it was a few hours later then the time the guests usually have breakfast, but the gentle breeze of the wind was enough to not make it unbearable.  

The meal was fun, the boys made you feel so comfortable that it felt like you have known each other for a longer time than the actual truth. You all chatted, joked around and posed for pictures with the food. You had brought your analog camera just to tease Jaemin, asking him to take a picture with it for you.

“How do you want it?” The boy groaned, pretending to be annoyed.

“Here, I have an idea,” Haechan shared, excitedly, holding up one of the strawberries from the bowl in front of your face. “Bite it on the side.”

You accepted the advice confused, not understanding where he was trying to go with it but excited, you loved a good old-fashioned improvised picture. Jaemin pointed the camera at you and counted to three, and you smiled around the strawberry when on the count of one, Haechan bit on the other side of the strawberry and looked at you cross-eyed. After you saw the flash of the camera going off, you decided to take a big bite of the strawberry to play around with Haechan but apparently the boy had the same idea and your lips ended up touching, slightly. Since when has your life become a cliché teenage movie? 

You quickly took the stem of the fruit from between your mouths, pulling away from the boy to tease him, “Damn. Didn’t even buy me dinner first.”

The others joined in on teasing Haechan but the man simply winked at you, “Would be my pleasure.”

You didn’t even have time to giggle before the other men pretended to puke and Renjun legit slapped Haechan.

                                       _____________________________________________

The boys decided to not do any activities that day because Jisung would simply not wake up and after a while waiting, Chenle decided to join him on the hibernation. It made you feel sad for them, that their days were so busy and tiring that at the first sight of some time off, they would sleep for hours and hours to make up for it.

The rest of you decided to play some volleyball in the parking lot (which  was not the best idea considering it was noon). As expected by the almost 40 degrees climate, one by one, every single boy started taking off their shirts, body dripping and glistening with sweat and you just felt in heaven. This could just not be real, you even looked around for cameras, scenes like that just didn’t happen in real life. One hot shirtless guy was the acceptable quota for normality.

But also, you didn’t miss the way they looked at you in your little shorts and top (equal rights after all). It made you feel powerful even though you knew it was just their hormones talking, yours were screaming too after all. If it was already like that on their second day here, you couldn’t imagine how you would survive for the next few weeks, you just wanted to cry every time Jeno (who was on your team) approached you to celebrate when either of you scored, high-fiving you with his huge arms (you would die a happy woman if you were choked by them).

After the game was over, the boys decided to go swim on the lake to cool off and you figured it would be a good time to shower and organize their beds, which you quickly did before starting to make some lunch for everyone. The youngest ones of the group didn’t even wake up to eat so you decided to leave them some food in the microwave in case they got hungry in the afternoon.

Unfortunately the Wi-Fi was being annoying as usual and refused to work, so you couldn’t even google about the boys yet, the curiosity was almost killing you. Maybe it was better like that, right now you were just seeing them as 7 young men living their normal lives and you liked it, it kept you from being nervous at the fact they were probably some big stars that had the world at their feet – They all just seemed so chill sprawled around the living room floor playing the bingo you had joked about earlier, it was hard to believe they probably had hoards of screaming girls around them daily.

They thanked you for cleaning their rooms and told you that you didn’t have to, which technically you did, considering it was literally your job and the whole reason you were there.

You could be wrong, considering you have known them for barely 2 days, but you quickly noticed some little things about them: Like how Jaemin liked to touch you, even if it was just a light brush of his hand on your arm (in his defense, he was touchy with everyone, but when he touched you, it just lingered for a bit longer), or how Haechan liked to playfully flirt with you, that boy just had no shame and you admired him for that. You saw how Renjun often stared at you but when you looked at him, he looked away (which could mean either he was shy or he just didn’t like you very much), but at least he was more subtle about it, as opposite to Mark, who became a blushing mess every time you caught his eyes (and you just wanted to squeeze him). You realized Jeno was a manlier guy, you hadn’t gotten what his deal was yet but you loved the way his eyes disappeared when he smiled and that was enough for you.

It was funny, really, how everyone decided to ignore the tension in the air and go on with the day normally – You did only meet the day before after all.

After getting bored with bingo, the boys told you they planned on going water skiing tomorrow and you agreed happily, telling them you could have a little barbecue party in the camping next to the docks where your parents kept the Inn’s water sports gears, which got them even more excited.

“Can we go camping too?” Jeno asked, receiving a groan from Haechan. Classic city boy.

“Like at night?” You asked and Jeno nodded. “Yeah, actually the stars here are crazy pretty since there’s no light pollution.”

“See?” The boy told Haechan excitedly, who only sighed, accepting his fate.

Barbecue, bonfire, alcohol and a beautiful sky: You were a city girl too but you were also a sucker for a good camping night.

taglist: @eggbutnotyolk @lauraneuuh @geeisaclown @jenotation @riemm @junguwuuu @prettychaeng @satanssugaraddiction @luvlyjaemin @sweetjaemss @oofimdumb @junglekooks @unknown5tar @rosedchae@

[joheunsaram]

To Make A Power Couple - 02 (knj)

Chapter 2 - Pizza and Life Chats

THIS IS A REPOST SINCE I LOST ACCESS TO MY OLD ACCOUNT. PLEASE FOLLOW THIS BLOG FOR UPDATES ON THIS SERIES.

previous | masterlist | next

Summary- Namjoon and Y/N go on their first date, and Namjoon is whipped.

word count- 5k

pairing- idol!namjoon x ceo!reader

rating- pg13 for now

genre- series, fluff, eventual smut, strangers2lovers

warnings- mentions of hangovers and panic attacks, tooth-rottingly fluffy

a.n- okay here’s the second part! I wrote this up fairly quickly (don’t expect this to be the norm!). This part I wanted to kind of address the stress of overworking as a young adult (GUILTY 🙋🏻‍♀️) so sorry if it gets a little serious at parts. I also wanted to switch it up so it’s from Namjoon’s perspective. I hope you enjoy it. SOFT JOON BEING A BIG OLD SOFTY.

Feedback much appreciated! 💕

taglist - @beach-bitch-bitch-beach​, @sassyuniversitytacopeanut

-

Namjoon woke up startled as his phone alarm rang. He was groggy and his splitting headache made him nauseous. “I’m never going to drink again”, he mumbled. He groaned as he got off the couch he had crashed on the night before, trying not to trip over Taehyung who seemed to be dozing happily on the floor as he made his way to his room. He hadn’t stayed at the dorms in a while, preferring the quiet solitary of his own apartment nowadays, and with his hangover in full swing he felt like he was walking through a stranger’s house.

Last month was hell. He had procrastinated on his songs and none of the vocal guides were even halfway done before the due date. Every time he tried to finish a song a new one would pop up in his head and he would start on that, leading to a hard drive full of files labelled “finish soon” and “draft”, and a notebook full of scratched out scribbles. It was like his brain had decided to abandon him, deciding it had had enough of his perpetual melancholy. He had felt drained and burnt out, a husk with no creative juices left. Luckily, Yoongi and a few of the producers had taken pity on his stressed out state and lent a hand so he had been able to finish the bare minimum three days ago - before the label pressured him further. He was never more grateful for a small break.

In all honesty, he needed a way to jumpstart his brain, and get out of the routine of home, practice, meetings, studio, home. Sometimes, he almost wished he didn’t have the success he had so he could go out and let loose a little - a club, a party, anything. But the last time he went somewhere like that he got swarmed and the police had to be involved. He couldn’t risk that, not after the trouble Big Hit went to threaten media outlets a year and a half ago, when he was caught with what they called a hickey, but was actually a stress rash.

As he brushed his teeth today, however, he smiled at the mirror. Last month may have been terrible, but last night was one of the best he’d had in the past year.

When he had heard Bang PD’s team talk about how they were attending the charity gala as he met them for notes on his songs, he was intrigued. He had read about this non-profit in the paper before. They seemed to be helping bridge the gap between people through communication and that spoke to him. So much so that he had scrolled through their website multiple times, reading testimonials and almost memorizing the mission statement. They wanted to help kids learn English for free so they could communicate globally. He really liked the idea. It was hard for him to learn the language as a kid and he knew that the only reason he became as fluent as he is from the tutors his parents paid for and his obsession with American television and music. Although he didn’t need the tutoring anymore, he did enjoy talking to the in-house tutor at the company, John, from time to time and improving his skills. The fact that this company wanted to add a John to every school in Korea starting from the rural areas, made Namjoon want to meet the man behind the movement. Little did he know, he’d be meeting the girl who’d shift his idea of the ideal.

He had never been more glad to have convinced his company to let him and the boys attend an event. He had initially suggested it as a way to break the mundane before their comeback practices started and network while supporting a cause he liked. Two days ago, he wouldn’t have guessed it would have been an actual fun night leading to him nursing a headache.

He spent the next hour reliving last night as he showered and caught up on the news. He also read the messages he sent last night over a hundred times and had butterflies each time. Wasn’t he too old for butterflies? He wanted to message you again but every time he tried, he ended up overthinking it. Everything sounded forced or cheesy, and it was worse than any writer’s block. He threw his phone on the bed in frustration watching it bounce and land on the floor, before he grabbed it and pocketed it. Hopping around to get rid of his nerves, he decided to take a break from rereading the thread he already had memorized and check in with everyone. If his hangover was this bad he couldn’t imagine theirs.

Making his way back to the living room he found Taehyung now sitting on the floor, sleep still very evident on his features as he yawned and groaned. On the couch next to him sat Yoongi, holding an iced americano and staring into space. The rest were missing but he could hear a blender annoyingly whizzing in the kitchen.

“How’re you guys feeling this morning?” He asked as he sat across from Yoongi.

“This is why I don’t drink. Why did no one stop me?” Taehyung whined as he rose from the floor to leave, massaging his head.

“We tried. You were very excited to try all the disgustingly sweet drinks the hot bartender was making for you.” Yoongi replied with a sigh. “How was your date, Namjoon? You glad I forced you to go to the bar to talk to her?” he snickered, sipping his coffee before exhaling loudly in contentment.

“Honestly, I owe you big time. She was… amazing. I don’t think I’ve talked to someone that comfortably in a while” Namjoon sighed wistfully.

“I’ll add cupid to my resume,” he deadpanned. “Is she tolerating you for another date?”

“Yeah. We’re getting dinner on Tuesday, but I want to message her now. Argh!” He ran his hands over his face in frustration. “What do I even say? ‘Hi I’m the guy who was too scared to kiss you all night so you had to do it for him, what’s your favourite colour?’” Namjoon was annoyed at himself. It’s bad enough that he was having writer’s block in his music, did he have to have it for something as simple as texting too? This was ridiculous!

“Or you could just ask her how’s her hangover today. Jeez! Do I have to draft each of your messages? Stop being a dumbass and text the person you like.” Yoongi scoffed, clearly over Namjoon’s sudden and uncharacteristic insecurities.

Namjoon gave a resigned sigh as he reached for his phone and wrote out exactly what Yoongi suggested. Hey, he was his hyung for a reason - he had a full 6 months of life experience on him.

Namjoon: Hey! Hope your hangover is not too bad today.

As soon as the message was sent, he started getting nervous. Tapping his foot incessantly while he stared at his phone, willing it to buzz, annoying Yoongi enough to leave him alone on the couch in the process.

Y/N: Hi to you too! I actually don’t get hangovers so I’m doing great lol. What about you?

Namjoon: What do you mean you don’t get hangovers?

Y/N: I don’t know. Can’t get dehydrated if you’re always dehydrated!

Namjoon: That… makes no sense. Do I need to start reminding you to drink water?

Y/N: Only if you’re better than this app on my phone…

Namjoon: I can guarantee you I’m better than any app on this planet.

Y/N: Wow. Big claims! We’ll have to put it to the test I suppose.

Y/N: You never told me how you’re feeling. Oh and how’s Taehyung? Is he okay?

Namjoon: He’s doing fine. Made a pact to never drink again and if i’m being honest, I’m going to join him. I am shocked that your head is not exploding as well.

The messages continued easily after that, filled with updates of each other’s activities, playful flirting and even photos of dinner. By the time Monday rolled around, you had been messaging each other constantly, with no end to the conversation in sight and the only long pauses being when you were both asleep or working. It seemed like you would never run out things to talk about. Namjoon hadn’t messaged someone this frequently since he got out of his last relationship. It felt nice to relay his mundane day to day events to someone and he found himself excited to hear about your mundane, like how you decided to mix two different types of bad coffee blends to make a shockingly worse one. He was surprised again at how fast he felt comfortable around you. It was even starting to scare him a little - he only knew you for three days and it felt like he had known you forever! What was this weird spell you had on him?

The conversation Monday, however, was fairly sparse, and Namjoon was eager to set up plans for the next day, so that night he decided to call you.

After the first three rings, he was overthinking his decision. Maybe it was too soon to call? Maybe you didn’t like talking on the phone? What if it went to voicemail? Would he have to leave a message? What would he say? His inner monologue was quickly halted at the sound of your voice.

“Hello, this is Y/N” you sounded distant, almost too formal. He felt nervous.

“Hi… uh… this is Namjoon. Is this a bad time?”

“Oh Namjoon! Sorry I didn’t check who called when I picked up!” Relief washed over him at the change of your tone. “Sorry one sec can you hold on.” he heard you say as your voice got mumbled. He waited while he heard you talk to someone about proposals and deadlines. Were you still at work? He checked his watch - it was 10 pm. He didn’t know whether to be impressed by your work ethic or worried that you were overworking.

“Hi sorry about that! How are you?” He relaxed at your airy tone and smiled.

“I’m good. Are you still at work?”

“Yeah it’s only like 7 so it’s no big deal. I usually leave around 8” Were you serious?

“Y/N… It’s 10:04…” He was shocked at how nonchalant you sounded, and suddenly he had his answer - he was worried, not impressed. He had known you for three days and already you were setting his caretaker alarm off. He wanted to scold you for being careless and overworking, like he’s used to doing for the boys, but he knew it was too soon. He doesn’t even know why he’s feeling that way all of a sudden and tried to suppress his protective instincts.

“No it’s not! It’s…” He could hear your voice going further away as he imagined you moving the phone in front of you to check the time. “Oh shit you’re right. What the hell? Okay sorry I’m gonna put you on hold again.” Before he could say anything he heard your voice again, distant again but loud. “Oh my god. Guys, it’s 10pm. Go home! Why did nobody tell me? No it doesn’t matter we can do that tomorrow. Please go home. Pack up now! You too Siwon, don’t worry I’ll go home after I get off the phone. See you!” He smiled at the sternness of your tone - it reminded him of a teacher dismissing class.

“Sorry about that. I didn’t realize I overworked my team. Had to send the troops home” you laughed and Namjoon felt his heart flutter.

“I don’t wanna keep you from going home. I can call you back once you get there,” he offered. He felt bad that you were staying in an empty office on his account.

“Oh don’t worry about it. It was a lie to get Siwon off my back. I’m probably gonna be here till like 1 or something. I still have to get this done” you said matter-of-factly, like it was the most normal thing in the world. He knew that tone fairly well, having used it multiple times himself when he locked himself in his studio, running on nothing but coffee and energy bars.

“Okay I know we’ve only just met and we have our first date tomorrow, but do you want some company?” He asked before he could stop himself. The line was silent for a bit, and he felt self conscious, scared that he had overstepped and driven you away. Before he could check his phone to see if you had hung up you spoke.

“It’d be pretty boring for you to watch me just type away. Are you sure? It’s pretty late.” He was sure his cheeks would hurt from how wide he smiled.

“It’s not a problem at all. I was going to work tonight too.” He wasn’t. “We can just work together. I’ll bring food. Did you eat yet?” his words tumbled over each other.

“How very college of you.” He could hear you giggling on the line. “Now that I think about it - I’m starving.”

“Okay text me the address, I’ll be there soon.”

He had never been this excited to pretend to work.

He spotted you as he walked through the doors of the 13th floor, pepperoni pizza in hand. You were sitting at a long desk near the middle of the room. He was surprised as he expected you in an office, but he found you typing away at your desktop. Your hair was tied up in a bun and you were dressed in an oversized beige t-shirt, eyebrows furrowed head bopping to the hip hop track playing through the speakers. You seemed to be in your own little world. He felt like he was spying on you as he leaned against the door watching but he also liked seeing how you acted when you thought no one was watching. He was about to announce his presence when the track changed to a Childish Gambino one and you whooped and started to rap along.

You were now fully head banging and rapping the verse at the top of your lungs. He would be impressed by your fairly good amateur skills if he didn’t find the entire scene so endearing. His heart was doing somersaults as he watched you now fully engrossed in the song, typing forgotten as you got up and started to pretend you were on stage, an imaginary mic in your hand asking haters if they “eatin’ though”. You looked so adorable that he couldn’t help but squeal a little “cute!”

That’s when you saw him, eyes wide. He felt a little bad when he saw how embarrassed you looked, immediately stopping and slapping a hand to your mouth before bursting out in nervous laughter. He could write a whole album with that laugh. Oh he was so whipped, he thought to himself as he made his way to you.

“You know you’re not half bad!” He exclaimed as he set the pizza on the table, pulling a chair next to yours and settling down.

“Do you think your fake compliments will save you from the fact that you were spying on me?” you asked, crossing your hands across your chest, pretending to scowl but failing to do so.

“First, real compliment. Second, would pizza save me?” He opened the box and proudly smiled, loving the way your eyes lit up as you reached for a slice.

“Yes it will!” you exclaimed as you took your first bite, lightly moaning at the taste. “But erase that memory from your brain please.”

“Nope. Never. It was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen and I’m going to save it forever” he said as he also started on his slice. You pouted up at him, cheeks puffed and it took all the self-control he had to not kiss it off your face. He hadn’t felt this way in so long, it was like you were his first crush. Trying to control his pulse, he asked “What are you working on so late?”

“Oh I have a proposal due for a meeting tomorrow at noon and I’m only halfway through it,” you frowned wistfully at the screen as if willing it to type on its own.

“Can I help?” He asked, knowing fully well that he couldn’t. He just had an overwhelming urge to make that frown disappear.

“You being here is help enough,” you smiled sincerely as you looked at him and he felt his heart explode, a blush creeping on his cheeks as he smiled bashfully. “What are you working on?”

“I have a few songs I have to finish the lyrics for. Been procrastinating” he rubbed the back of his neck as he pulled out the notebook from his back pocket.

“Can I help?” you echoed his question to which he echoed your response grinning. He wasn’t lying though. Even though he had planned to not really work, as the night progressed he found the change from his usual writing spot inspiring. Sitting next to you, the sound of the keyboard clicking was soothing leading to words pouring out of him. He filled pages as he stole glances at you concentrating on your proposal, tongue peeking from between your lips, still bobbing to the music which was now playing from your airpods instead of the speakers. He smiled at the sight, before focusing on his notebook.

After about an hour or so of hard work, he finished three songs that he had allotted himself the whole week to do. This was the most productive hour he had all month. Antsy for a break, he looked over at you and found you staring at him, a hand under your chin. As he met your gaze you smiled.

“You’re really hot when you concentrate. Has anyone ever told you that?” you commented. He was taken aback by your remark, heart fluttering at your smirking face. Not missing his chance and spurred on by the comment, he scooted closer in one sweep till your knees touched and you were face to face.

“You’re one to talk. I couldn’t stop looking at you this past hour.” Gazing into your eyes, he was amused to see your smirk disappear as it was now your turn to be shocked. He reached out and tucked a stray hair behind your ear letting his hand linger, enjoying the way you sighed as he did. “Can I make good on my promise now?” He whispered, his face centimeters away, looking at your lips. The way you bit your lower lip made him want to take you there and then. The desk looked big enough. Hell, even if it wasn’t he could make it work.

“Promise?” you whispered as he watched your eyes flutter to his lips.

“To kiss you first…” Too impatient to wait for your answer, he brought his lips to yours, relishing how soft they felt under his own. He was thrilled at you returning the kiss, deepening it as you grabbed the collar of his shirt to bring him closer just like you did after the party. He was beginning to think this was your signature move, and he’d be lying if he said it didn’t immensely turn him on. He moved his hand cupping your face to rest on your neck and he could feel your heartbeat mimicking his. He put his other hand around your waist pulling you closer, wanting to be as close to you as he could get. He traced his tongue over your lips, his head cloudy with endorphins as you opened your mouth inviting him in. He had never tasted something so euphoric, his tongue exploring yours in a rush.

He could feel you pushing forward as he leaned back and allowed you to straddle his lap, your legs on either side of the chair. As soon as you were on his lap, he pulled you closer, both arms around on your hips, your chest flushed with his. He kissed the side of your mouth as he made his way down your jaw to your neck. You smelt like vanilla mixed with a fresh flower garden, and he was sure this smell was better than any drug in the world. He could hear your breathy moans as he sucked where your neck met your collarbone, licking to soothe it before moving further. He wanted to taste all of you. Your hands were in his hair and each tug made him groan into you, making him harder. He could kiss you like this forever. He wanted to save this moment so he could come back to it and relive it. He traced his hands up and down your sides, moving under your shirt but remaining on your waist, enjoying the feel of your soft skin.

“Namjoon… Namjoon… slow down” he heard you say breathlessly as he felt a slight push. He looked up at you, your eyes half lidded and lusty as you grabbed his face and brought it to yours. You were sending him mixed signals, but he didn’t care as long as he could keep kissing you.

“We have to slow down or I’m going to want to fuck you right here.” You whined as you both came back up for air, but you kissed him again nevertheless. Hearing you say that made him want to do anything in his power to make that happen.

“I don’t mind, baby,” he said against your lips, kissing you with urgency, biting your lower lip and pulling it gently to elicit another moan from you. To his disappointment, you seemed to have better self-control than him as you pushed him back, both of you panting as you struggled to catch your breath. He moved his hand back to your hips tracing little circles, feeling comforted by you smoothing his hair you had pulled earlier.

“There are cameras here. I’d rather not make a sex tape on our first date.” You giggled as you pointed to the black sphere in the corner of the room. He had never hated the obsession buildings had for security more, but the crudeness of your comment made him laugh. He had almost forgotten this was your first date, it felt like he had kissed you a thousand times before. You tasted like the relief of an awning in the middle of a summer downpour.

“I think we need to cool down,” you say as you climb off of his lap. “Let’s go.”

He followed you as you led him to the little kitchenette near the end of the room, unable to resist the urge to wrap his hands around your waist in a back hug. He knew he was being too clingy for a first date, but the way you giggled and put your hands over his gave him assurance.

“Lemonade, coke, or water,” you asked as you peered into the fridge.

“You.” He smirked kissing your neck, feeling bold off of the high from your makeout session.

“Joon!” you pretended to sound scandalized as you turned in his arms, smiling warmly. The nickname made his heart swell. It added a familiarity that he didn’t know he missed from you.

“You haven’t called me Joon before. I like it” he smiled as he pecked your lips.

“Hey! We are cooling down! No kissing! Now pick” you chided and Namjoon couldn’t help but wonder if you were this assertive in bed too, a million scenarios playing in his head. Okay, you were right, he needed to cool down.

“I’ll just have water, thanks,” he said as he grabbed the bottle you passed him, opening and gulping half of it. He hadn’t realized how thirsty he was for something other than you. You both made your way to the tables, sitting across from each other.

“So did you finish your proposal?” He asked trying to cool himself but failing as he noticed you running the cold water bottle against your neck, the beads of condensation dripping on your shirt. He cleared his throat as he tried to focus his attention on your eyes, a mantra of stay focused playing in his head.

“Yes! Finally! It’s perfect.” you smiled proudly and somehow he felt a wave of pride too. “What about you? Made any progress?”

“Actually yes. I kind of finished my entire week’s writing in that one hour” he was still amazed by his own progress.

“Okay, Mr Overachiever” you joked and he chuckled.

“To be honest, I didn’t think I’d be able to write anything, but I don’t know your presence is kind of soothing. It helped me focus.” Watching your smile grow wide, he continued, “I’ve been having pretty severe burnout this past month and it has just been hard to put down my thoughts, even non-lyrical ones.” He fidgeted with the water bottle as he looked at it, avoiding eye contact.

He didn’t know why he was telling you this. He recalled when he told you about his struggles as a leader during your first conversation. Somehow being around you led him to vomit out his feelings. It was… unlike him. Namjoon was usually not this honest on dates, or relationships, as much as he would hate to admit it. That’s the reason he broke off his last one. He felt bad lying to her about a busy schedule when he just wanted to be alone. She would have understood, she was kind and thoughtful, but it just felt easier to lie and not put the effort in to explain his thoughts. Even when they broke up, he lied and told her that it was because he couldn’t handle being in a relationship at the moment, when in reality things had cooled off a while ago and he felt guilty as his feelings faded.

He felt your hand reach out and grab one of his, intertwining your fingers. He felt comforted by the gesture as you rubbed your thumb across him before you spoke two words that warmed his heart. “I understand.”

“You know it’s hard to work at full speed all the time. It’s okay to not be at a hundred all the time. The valleys feed the peaks” you continued. It was a simple remark, but it sounded surprisingly poetic to him. He hadn’t felt this understood outside of the boys for a long time. It was refreshing. It was terrifying. He resisted his natural urge to run and hide.

“Are you speaking from experience?” he asked, needing to divert the attention away from his own vulnerabilities.

“Yeah. I had it pretty tough a couple of years ago. Too much pressure from myself, too many expectations. Led to too many vices and panic attacks” you shrugged as you continued and he squeezed your hand to comfort you. “It creeps up from time to time but my therapist and I have it handled” He looked at you in awe. You hadn’t given him a throwaway answer or switched the limelight back at him. You wasted no time in being as vulnerable as him, if not more. He knew at that moment that regardless of where this thing went, he wanted you to know you better.

“Thank you for being honest.” He brought your hand to his lips and kissed it gently. It was an intimate gesture but he wanted you to know how much he appreciated your words - how much he appreciated you - in that moment. You both sat in comfortable silence for a little while, playing with each other’s hands that were still intertwined, till one of you yawned loudly causing the other to giggle. With the weight of the conversation lifting, you both fell back into playful banter as you decided to pack up and call it a night.

“Do you want me to walk you to your car?” Namjoon asked, wanting to drag the night on longer despite it already being almost 2 am.

“Don’t judge me but I actually don’t know how to drive. I was just going to cab back.” he saw you giggle bashfully as you pulled your backpack over your shoulders.

“Oh, no judgment here! Me neither” he laughed. Why does everyone think it is such a big deal to not drive? It’s better for the environment! “Do you want to take one together? I don’t really want you to ride alone this late.” He rubbed the back of his neck, hoping he didn’t come off as if he was trying to dictate what you did.

“I’d really like that,” you said as you walked towards the elevators. He held your hand as you both got on, liking the way you moved closer to him at that.

In the cab you both sat closer than necessary, his arm wrapped around you as you both made plans for your scheduled date later that day, trying not to doze off. When the cab stopped all too soon at your apartment, he kissed you gently as he told you how much he enjoyed your company.

That night laying in bed, his heart felt full as he read your goodnight message. He was sure of it now. He really wanted you in his life.

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[ranboo5]

whats 'the clip' and knifetrick?

Augh. Under the cut for shipping discourse and p/dophilia ment (nothing graphic or specific). Gets long bc I discuss my thoughts on DSMP shipping in general. You are setting me up fr anon

Some quick vocab -

intimacy here is used to refer to. Well. Any kind of intimacy between characters, of any sort, as an umbrella term /r, /p, and /qp here are used as shorteners to denote "romantic," "platonic," and "queerplatonic," both as adjectives And as verbs ("to /r" = "to portray romantically") shipping here is used to refer to any focused examination of intimacy between characters

And some clarity that Should follow from the essay next but may not - """anti-antis"""" and RPF writers delete forever

The Clip is from one of if not the? most recent Discord stage(s) Mr Live has done (which I missed when it was live RIP) wherein he issues a hard ban on shipping him ("do not ship me, in any way, with anyone!") which would less influence c!beeduo (which has been portrayed/stated to be romantic AND nonromantic both conflictingly for a while until being confirmed unconfirmed several months ago, that being the last was heard) without its direct invocation if he hadn't also cited for the reason as being underage ("'Cause, one, it's straight up pedophilia") which is! a) immediately applicable to At Least his DSMP character, Partially and b) while not Strictly True (should b obvious that portraying a relationship within the bounds of what it is in canon and in a nonsexual way is not That, and /r-ing c!beeduo etc was possible to do Appropriately again by remaining w/in the bounds of canon) is Clearly Indicative of the fact that baggage-wise it IS associated with people being fucking creeps

This Really complicates things bc like okay the apparent solution is "lol just don't /r it" but it's really like. A Worse issue than that bc like.

Okay the reason shipping in terms of fictional characters is a Different Bar is bc it's an examination of Intimacy and certain lines exist in certain dynamics of intimacy that Isn't Shown (which is the whole Within The Bounds Of Canon thing) which is important in a medium like DSMP because of the smaller gap + more personal relationship b/w character and streamer. Examining intimacy beyond th bounds of the consent that has been established in that regard is Weird at best and Violating And Creepy more often and, As Mentioned In Ranb's Stage, Literally Evil at worst

Which is why writing abt like. QPR or platonically intimate Techno and Philza (characters) is smth that is fine because that's smth that has been shown and repeatedly stated onscreen; it's in the bounds of canon n thus within th bounds of what the streamers've consented 2 be done with their characters. But writing T3chza making out or whatever is fucked up because it's smth that's beyond those consent barriers

And the thing is right

Slapping a /p on T3chza makeout doesn't. Make it less violating

Like what you CALL romantic is not the measure or whether it's past those barriers yk? And if it's indistinguishable, if it's in extrapolative territory that is Past The Bounds, it Does Not Matter how much you /p it EVEN IF IT IS TECHNICALLY PLATONIC y feel? Like at the end of the day placing a moratorium on some/all forms of shipping is placing a moratorium on certain examinings of intimacy

And okay 2 go back to Mr Live and his character. What it implies taken in context w/ older portrayals of c!beeduo and said by invoking smth that both evokes Really fucked up baggage (that does unfortunately exist btw I'm sorry if you didn't know that but People Really Do B Fucked Up Abt Beeduo) AND applies to his character is a revocation of consent to examining deep intimacies:tm: with his character, which is gonna apply regardless of the nature of that intimacy (even if nonromantic)

Like I don't /r c!beeduo myself, do not, never have, but I talk to people who have and have consumed content where they r background /r; I also don't think it matters. Like I don't Actively /r it and I don't Actively Not /r it because imho w/ the intimacy regarding c!beeduo that is plot relevant and character important whether that intimacy is /p /qp or /r doesn't really matter. I don't consider myself Less of a c!beeduo shipper than someone who /rs them because that would be dumb as hell and while none of the content I've made* is Intrinsically or Intentionally /r it certainly can be read tht way as much as it can be read /qp or /p. It's be dumb and hypocritical of me to like, dunk on ppl for /r-ing c!beeduo when I'm also invested in these two and my tonetags r not gonna suddenly Delete the picking apart I've done of the dynamic @ hand

Which Has Been. Within Bounds Of Canon. It's been what's been shown (sometimes to my great distress. There is a reason that the :canon_beeduo: emote looks the way it does) Directly Onscreen and in general keeping with the tone n intensity/directions of what they've Done With The Characters

HOWEVER

As mentioned up there. Revocation of consent

It makes. Full sense 2 me that Mr Live wants to place a moratorium or fullon ban on shipping his characters perhaps where he wouldn't have before because of the Unfortunately Very Extant trends of people being Fucking Weird about shipping his characters AND of using them as a Thinly Veiled Excuse to ship HIM, which. I should not have to explain why shipping real people is fucking abhorrent

THIS creates a problem which is a. Bit of a vacuum in interacting with what is a facet of c!Ranboo's arc, decision making, and character. Like you CAN have c!Ranboo w/o cbeeduo but you Can't Really have his plotline without examining c!beeduo. And as I mentioned earlier: even if your examination of c!beeduo is fully platonic, the significance of it To the plotline means that any examination of it and its relevance to the plotline and characters IS gonna be an examination of intimacy, which. Regardless of it's platonic, Is Still Shipping

Unless some HARD retconning happens it leaves this like. Hole in an aspect of c!Ranboo's arc and decisionmaking and it's very. Uncertain? God. Fucking months ago I was already kind of :huh. Does he know what the fuck he's doing: irt c!beeduo and desperately wishing for things to be cleared up and now it's only That Much Stronger

NOW. KNIFETRICK, FINALLY

Knifetrick (or, as it’s actually listed, Bishop’s Knife Trick) is a fic about "Ran and Jackie from The Pit TFTSMP" in a "canon-typical ambiguously romantic relationship." As you can tell from the scare quotes, especially if you've seen me vague, both of these are, to put it politely, Doubtful. I've read the fic; I will not be sharing my opinions because that would be neither productive nor responsible (I will just say I can't recommend it and leave it at that) but I WILL say the following that Is relevant to the conversation:

Ran's and Jackie's characterizations respectively have very little to do with characterizations from The Pit, and bear a dollar-store-version resemblance to tropes and personality motifs found in ESPECIALLY fanon c!beeduo, especially later in the fic. I would not go so far as to say they are Intentionally Literally Ranboo and Tubbo but they are transparent expies and were clearly written at LEAST unintentionally w/ c!beeduo in mind (esp since. Ran and Jackie barely interacted in The Pit), and for a readerbase that, as far as I can tell, is HUGELY dominated by /r c!beeduo shippers. Like. Sorry. This is off-brand c!beeduo.

The dynamic between the two is pretty unambiguously romantic, also; despite what the fic's white knights claim, romantic tropes and implications/motifs/imagery from at LEAST chapter two, and is very much explicitly romantic by the most recent chapter.

FROM CH1:

"And now, with raised eyebrows and a pursed lip, the newly named General Jackie observes Ran in such a way that makes the enderman’s skin crawl. Ran reminds himself that this kid, as short and harmless as he may look, is trained to kill. [...] Jackie narrows his eyes and tilts his head a little, as if he’s trying to read in between every one of Ran’s imperfect scales."

FROM CH2:

"It makes Ran’s skin itch with discomfort. [...] 'That actually doesn’t explain much of anything at all,' complains Jackie, and he pops a few croutons into his mouth with one hand. 'Tell me what you’re thinking, pretty-boy.'

"Ran feels his face flush, no doubt mildly glowing green.

"Yes, that was the other thing. The unnecessary compliments to his physical appearance.

"They don’t happen very often, and don’t seem to have very much meaning or intention behind them— Jackie often speaks like an unthinking kid— but when they do happen… they’re embarrassing. [...] It’s annoying how the rug is pulled out from under his feet in these moments when he’s 'embarrassed'. Like the conversation see-saw has temporarily shifted weight in the general’s favor."

I am not going to include excerpts from Chapter 6 because it's just the entire chapter.

I WILL SAY, HOWEVER, STEPPING ON THIS SCORPION BEFORE IT STINGS: they are not written in an RPFy manner and I don't think there's any grounds, including Vibes, of accusing Knifetrick of being like. Closet truthing or whatever. Also, while I think there's certainly Some Weirdness ESPECIALLY around the reaction, the romance itself is Not written in any way I'd call weird or problematic pre-clip; it's nothing inappropriate or like Weirdly Fetishy or whatever. Knifetrick is not #problematic or anything and I don't have beef with like the concept of liking it intrinsically; if I thought it was like. Abhorrent I wouldn't be sharing excerpts lmao dhjfnhdsbvdnfjh. Hence: if anyone uses this post or anyth like it to send harassment or bad faith ANYTHING to anyone involved with Knifetrick I will hunt you down in the fucking night even if it WAS #problematic that'd be the LITERAL OPPOSITE of productive and as it stands it's Literally Not. Essentially: Knifetrick is a (questionably-written /mean) fic using Ran and Jackie from The Pit as a vessel for a large chunk of the dynamics and headcanons of fanon /r c!beeduo in particular

And again, I would not call it problematic in any way (aside from the disingenuity of the insistence that it's TOTALLY UNRELATED TO BEEDUO and TOOOTALLY WASN'T INTENDED TO BE ROMANTIC GUYS like own your shit please)... IF it weren't for the advent of The Clip, which is calling in2 question the Entirety of the problem of /r-ing any variant of c!beeduo or any of Ranboo's characters at all

I really do not have an answer for this tbh. I genuinely wanna hear from the streamer on this more specifically because I like,,, I got no clue where 2 go from here? Do I just consider an arc retconned? Was it an issue of speaking abt a troubling subject kneejerk wise and I'm reading too much in2 it?

I just. I dunno

Tl;dr (AT LONG LAST)

- The Clip is a clip of a Discord stage where Ranboo (streamer) loudly explicitly decried shipping in a way that implicitly applies to characters he plays - This would be all well and good but is rendered complicated by the plot relevance of c!beeduo, which does not stop being shipping if it's /p'd due to it still necessarily being an examination of a particular intimacy in a way that is in canon hard to distinguish the /p, /qp, or /r nature of - Bishop's Knife Trick is an AO3 fic centered around using TFTSMP characters as /r c!beeduo expies which is not a bad thing in and of itself unless it also is covered under this moratorium - Things remain unclear until and unless we get clearer word from streamer, but considering Mr Live seems to be allergic to clarifying anything abt c!beeduo this is doubtful

*very little if any of the content I personally have made 4 c!beeduo has been posted publicly, for related reasons. You May have seen it if you're in servers w/ me, depending on Which Ones

[makeste]

I read the meta you reposted about anyone being able to become a hero, and I would just like to give some thoughts. I agree it is wrong to think in terms of good vs bad victims and measure everyone as the same. Just because Shoto never killed anyone in response to his abuse and Toya did doesn't mean that Toya was always an evil person looking for an excuse to break bad. Different people break from different things.

these are all good, well-reasoned points, anon, but I disagree with a few of them. let me try to explain.

so the thing about this whole atonement process is that it’s hugely complex, and there isn’t really any kind of roadmap for Endeavor to follow when it comes to trying to make things right. I actually appreciate that his arc is written in such a way that his epiphany doesn’t just happen all at once, and you can see how his approach gradually turns from one that’s still mostly selfish and centered on him, to one that’s actually focused on his kids and what they need. you can see the stages he progresses through as the series goes on.

1. I’d argue that it all starts when he first gets yelled at by Deku (“Todoroki isn’t you!”). he realizes that maybe this kid has got a point, and that treating his son as an extension of him rather than as his own person might just be sorta shitty. so he files that away, but we don’t really see much of a change in him yet.

2. then a few months later he gets thrust into the #1 hero role, which has the interesting psychological effect of forcing him to see past himself and his ego for perhaps the first time in his life. he suddenly finds himself in this position as the new Symbol, and starts to feel the responsibility of that, and it basically triggers the entire rest of his redemption arc. because once he starts looking outside himself, he starts to realize the impact his actions have on other people, including his family. for the first time, he starts looking at the situation with fresh eyes, and realizes how much he’s hurt them.

3. quick little detour here, I feel like it’s important to note that Endeavor -- like many abusers -- actually does love his family and never intentionally set out to hurt them. but the problem is that he is so self-centered for most of his life that he never stops to consider that his family and his kids don’t simply exist to serve his own purposes. he abuses Shouto during his training but I’ll bet you he himself never thought of it as actual abuse, just him being hard on him in order to toughen him up. he thinks he’s doing what’s best for Shouto by making him strong in the hopes that he’ll one day surpass All Might, because that’s always been his goal, and so he just unilaterally decides that should be Shouto’s goal too. he wants the best for him, but it never enters his mind to consider that his son is his own person who, gasp, might not actually want the same things that Endeavor wants. btw I should clarify that absolutely none of this excuses anything he does, holy shit. but I feel like it’s important to mention, because many people complain that the change in Endeavor happens too abruptly and is too unrealistic, but I don’t think that’s true at all. it’s just that people don’t like to acknowledge that abusers are still human (meaning that anyone can become one if they’re not careful to consider how they treat others). Endeavor’s actions are monstrous, but they stem from realistic places, and I think that it’s a very well-thought-out character arc.

4. and so basically, once that change finally starts happening, it’s not that he suddenly starts loving his kids all of a sudden out of nowhere. it’s that he finally starts loving them for their own sake, rather than his. for the first time, he starts loving them selflessly rather than selfishly. and it’s not a change that just happens overnight, because he is so used to everything revolving around him that even after he starts realizing what he’s doing wrong, it still takes him a while to break free from those patterns.

5. and so for example, he suddenly becomes wildly supportive of Shouto and his training and attempts to go full-blown helicopter parent. because clearly that’s what Shouto needs, right?? all those years he was trying to make him into his own personal mini-me rather than loving his son for who he was and supporting him as his own person. and so we see him hounding Shouto in texts to let him teach him his Ultimate Technique (but not because he wants him to surpass All Might, but because he just wants him to be the best hero he can be! it’s different now!), and attending his training sessions to cheer him on from the stands like an obnoxious soccer mom. and afterwards he tells him he’s proud of him, and that he wants to become someone Shouto can be proud of.

6. so you can see there’s some progress at this point, but at the same time he’s still making a lot of the same mistakes. his intentions by this point have genuinely changed! but he’s still looking at the situation from his own point of view, and not taking into consideration how his son feels about the forced attempts at reconciliation. he’s thinking ‘I was a shit father, I need to make it up to him by being supportive.’ but he doesn’t stop to consider that Shouto might not WANT his support by this stage in the game; that he might, in fact, not want anything to do with him at all.

7. and this doesn’t change until after his battle at Fukuoka, when he has dinner with his family and Natsuo blows up at him. he basically lays it all out on the table, but this is the most important part:

I am willing to bet that he did not, in fact, get it until pretty much that moment, actually. because up until this point, he’s been doing exactly as Natsuo said -- trying to make nice, trying to show that he’s changed, and to be a good father now. but he doesn’t stop to consider (a) just how much hurt he really has caused them, and (b) just how impossible it is to simply erase all of that. the pain Natsuo’s expressing here isn’t something people can simply get over. and I don’t think Enji realizes until this moment that he was still going about this in the wrong way.

8. and that, lastly, is what finally leads to this:

he finally realizes that it’s not about him. and apologizes, but makes it clear that Natsuo does not have to forgive him, and that he doesn’t want to burden him by making him feel otherwise. he acknowledges Natsuo’s feelings, acknowledges the pain he’s caused, and realizes that what he and the others need is space. and this is when he makes the decision to build the new home for them and Rei, so that they can finally start to move on -- without him, if that’s what it takes.

so this is basically the progression of Endeavor’s redemption arc up to this point. and I’m sorry it took so long to recap, I didn’t mean for it to lol, but there were a lot of parts I didn’t want to just gloss over. so now, here are a few last points I want to make about his arc.

1. first off, it’s important to consider the timeline here. when making your point earlier, you talked about Endeavor building the new home for his kids, but how “on the other hand” he kept trying to force his relationship with Shouto. however the order of these things is switched around. because Endeavor building the house is something that happens at the end of his arc. and in fact we have not seen him try to force anything with Shouto since then. this is important to acknowledge because it shows that he is learning and that it’s not just an insincere case of one step forward, two steps back. the progress he’s making here is genuine; he really is trying not to be selfish anymore.

2. I know I said “the end” of his arc just now, but in fact we have no reason to believe that this is the end of it. every time I see an argument about “well why hasn’t he done this yet, or why hasn’t he said this”, I wonder why people assume that just because he hasn’t done it yet, it means we’re never going to see it. for instance, he still hasn’t apologized to Shouto specifically for the way he abused him all those years. but just because we haven’t seen it yet doesn’t mean that it won’t happen.

3. fandom has this tendency, when it comes to characters they don’t like and don’t want to see redeemed, to continuously move the goalposts so that no matter what that character does and how much they change, they can continue to justify why it’s not enough. I’m going to take a quick break from Endeavor and use Bakugou as the example here instead, since I think it’s easier to summarize.

“Bakugou is such an asshole, all he cares about is himself, he’s definitely going to become a villain.”

[Bakugou refuses to join the villains] “well whatever, he’s still a jerk, just look at how he can’t even work together with others and refuses to help anyone.”

[Bakugou learns to Win and Save, and unlocks the Power of Teamwork] “well whatever, he still doesn’t care about anyone else. look at how he’s still an asshole to Deku even now.”

[Bakugou starts helping Deku train and learn how to control OFA] “whatever, that’s literally the bare minimum, there’s still no proof that he even cares about him.”

[Bakugou literally takes a life-threatening blow to save Deku] “whatever, it’s like he said, his body moved on its own so there’s still no proof he really cares.”

[Bakugou wakes up from a two-day coma, immediately asks about Deku’s health, and rushes to his bedside] “whatever, I don’t know why everyone is making such a fuss over it, he hasn’t even apologized to him yet.”

and so on and so forth. and I guarantee that once he finally does apologize, it will then shift to “well why couldn’t he just have done that in the first place.” but you get my point.

basically, there are certain characters whose redemption arcs fandom will actively continue to deny no matter what. Bakugou is one of those characters, and so is Endeavor. and I’m not saying that in order to call those people out, because everyone has their own boundaries of forgiveness, and I don’t have the right to dictate anyone else’s, just like they don’t have the right to dictate mine. everyone has their own line, and where it’s drawn is different for each person. like for me, the one particular character who can fuck off for all eternity as far as I’m concerned is Overhaul (although I admit I am still curious to see what Horikoshi has planned for him post-prison break in spite of all that). and there are a lot of other people for whom Endeavor crosses their own personal line. and you know what, that’s fine.

but here’s the thing -- if you actually want to debate his redemption arc with people, you should be willing to do so in good faith. meaning that if you really do think Endeavor is unforgiveable (and I’m speaking now in general terms, not addressing you specifically anon), just go ahead and say so! but don’t come up with an arbitrary list of criteria that he needs to meet in order to qualify for redemption, only to keep on adding more and more items to the list. and most importantly, don’t assume that your criteria are the only valid criteria and that you can speak for everyone else. and especially don’t act like you have a right to go around slapping people with labels like “abuse apologist” just because they don’t share the same opinions as you about a fictional character.

anyway! so as usual, a post that I originally meant to be only a few paragraphs long turned out to be a whole damn essay, I apologize. but anyways anon, basically I share the same opinion as you as far as the mindset that Endeavor needs to have for his atonement (i.e. that it’s not about him). however, I think he’s made more progress than this ask gives him credit for, and I don’t think any of it has been fake. that being said, it’s still a process, and his biggest tests are yet to come. whatever ends up happening, I hope the outcome ends up being one that the rest of his family can find peace with.

[ideks-on-mars]

Half-Brothers?

The Taichi-Naoyasu Situation

Taichi and Naoyasu are half-brothers and here's how lol

Taichi's mother and father had both met in their birth country of Germany. However, his grandparents on his mother's side hadn't approved of his father. The two had then decided to study a good amount of Japanese before saving up for plane tickets and running off to Japan. They changed their last names and had a completely fresh start. The two were madly in love, or at least that's what Taichi's mother thought. She had figured out she was pregnant, with who we know as Taichi, and she was ecstatic. She quickly told Taichi's father and his reaction was the exact opposite of what she expected. The man was furious and didn't want anything to do with the woman or baby. After hours of begging and yelling the man had left the German woman to fend for herself and her unborn baby. She picked up a few different jobs at small stores, extra shifts and she would make good friends that were more than happy to help her, two of those friends being the Shirabu's who also had a baby on the way. Her life in Japan was getting better. And on April 15, 1995, her baby Taichi, was born. She had changed her name after the "Love of her life" had left. Her last name was Kawanishi. And now, all she had was her, her friends, and her beloved baby.

Meanwhile, almost exactly 4 months before Taichi was born. A small, fragile, pale woman, had been another victim of the man. She had found out she was pregnant by him during January 1996. The woman was, just like the last, left soon after. The woman was young and hadn't even been in Japan for too long. She had came to Japan from her home country of Finland due to that fact that it had always been a dream of hers to move in with her grandmother, who moved to Japan when she was two. She was intelligent though, and knew languages like Finnish, Slovak, German, and Japanese. She could also keep up a normal conversation in English and Danish. She was confident in her ability to take care of a baby and she studied extra hard, wanting to be able to get a decent job for her and her baby.

After graduating from college, she was now about seven months pregnant. She lived with her grandma and she was working as a translator for people visiting Japan. She had, who we know as, Naoyasu Kuguri, not long after. However, the older he had gotten, his mother had taught him more Finnish, Slovak, and German than Japanese. He knew some Japanese, of course, they lived in Japan. However his mother thought that all he needed was her and the only person he should feel the absolute need to talk to was her.

TIME SKIP

Multiple years later and Taichi is now seventeen with Naoyasu being sixteen. STZ was having a practice match against Nohebi and they were having a small break between the first and second set.

"Kawanishi-Kun~...doesn't number twelve over there remind you of yourself~ hehe~"

Kawanishi turned to the place his upperclassmen, Tendō Satori, was pointing towards, curious as to what he was talking about.

Taichi scanned the other team until his eyes landed on number twelve. The boy had a lean, yet muscular build, his height similar to Semi's. He had a bored expression on his face and a water bottle in hand. His eyes were pointed at the end, very similar to Taichi's. The only difference was that number twelve's eyes rounded into the point. Taichi's were more of a obtuse angle that lead to the point. Their eyelids were both very pointy. His eyebrows were thicker than Taichi's and his pupils were a lot bigger and more circle shaped, compared to Taichi's oval shaped pupils. Taichi's eyes were silver gray, number twelve's eyes seemed to be green with a hint of grey. Taichi's hair was a darker ginger, thick, and messy. Yet number twelve's hair was...interesting. His hair was a blonde mixed with brunette, leaving him with a very light brown bedhead. However his eyebrows were darker.

"He does look...kind of like me..."

"Kind of", was a bit of an understatement, Taichi could go around telling his team that they were related and they'd most likely believe it, except for Kenjirō of course, who knew the whole situation with Taichi's family.

"You should talk to him! You two seem equally as uninterested."

Some of his teammates laughed at Yamagata's joke but Taichi, for once in his life, actually considered going up to the boy and talking to him.

As if God himself had granted him an opportunity, Nohebi's captain walked up to the team, his hand placed on the back of the stoic winged spiker.

"Hey, sorry if I'm interrupting anything, but would any of you mind helping Kuguri-Kun here find the restroom?"

The captain, who they knew was called Daishō, patted the boy's, now known as Kuguri, back twice. Kuguri didn't react though, he stood there beside his captain quietly, slouched and staring at the ground blankly, his hands stuffed into his volleyball jacket pockets. Before anyone could speak, Tendō, not surprisingly, did.

"Oh! Well our dear Kawanishi-Kun would love to escort Kuguri-Kun! Right Kiwi?"

Kawanishi looked at Tendō with an expression that said "are you serious?" but Taichi wasn't one to go against an upperclassmen's wishes, especially Tendō's. Taichi sighed.

"Yes, Tendō-San."

Daishō smiled a snake-like smile, however Taichi didn't think he could help it, and walked away leaving his teammate with the monsters known as Shiratorizawa. Taichi could tell he was uncomfortable so he quickly walked past him towards the exit.

"C'mon, Kuguri-Kun."

He said, his German accent slipping a little. He glanced behind him and saw that Kuguri was sauntering behind him. Taichi stopped, waiting for the slightly shorter male to catch up with him and began to walk at the other's pace.

Taichi got to the door first and held it open for the brunette. He glanced up at Taichi and nodded. However Taichi could've swore he saw the other's eyes widen for point two seconds before he looked back down and walked through the door way. Taichi, even though it was barely audible, heard Kuguri speak.

"Thank you, Kawanishi-San."

The thick, obviously European, accent was clear in his words. Taichi could tell that it was slightly German, but it just had to be another Northern European accent. Taichi quickly shook it off and nodded. They silently headed down the hall, the occasional Shiratorizawa student walking past them. Suddenly, and surprisingly, Kuguri spoke.

"So...where are you from?"

Taichi was taken aback, the other's accent was thicker now. Taichi seemed confused but figured the the other thought he was from somewhere else due to his accent.

"Oh, um, I'm from Japan. It's just that my mother is German and...I knew how to speak German before Japanese."

Kuguri nodded.

"Oh. I was just asking. I spoke Finnish, Slovak and German before I spoke Japanese. I'm still not as good as I should be at it."

Taichi understood. Japanese was no joke, and neither was Finnish, Slovak, and German.

"Well, if speaking in German makes it easier for you, then I don't mind."

(Bold + Red = Speaking in German)

Kuguri smiled happily. It wasn't the biggest smile, more of just the sides of his lips curling upward, but still, a smile.

"Thank you...Naoyasu Kuguri."

Taichi smiled back, a similar smile to the one Naoyasu had shown him before.

"Nice to meet you...I'm Taichi Kawanishi."

The two smiled, happy that they had someone that they could relate to.

"Anyways, I didn't see you on Nohebi last year, are you new?"

"Yeah, I'm a first year..."

TIME SKIP

It was now the end of the match and Nohebi was about to get on their long trip back to Tokyo.

(I looked it up and from Miyagi to Tokyo is 4-6 hours 👀)

The two teams thanked each other for the practice game, all waving as they piled into the bus. Naoyasu was the last one to get on. He turned around and waved at Taichi one more time. Taichi waved back and watched happily as his new friend had drove off. He was glad they had exchanged numbers.

"So you really did make friends with him?"

Taichi looked over at his teammates.

"Yeah. He was pretty chill."

They nodded.

"Did you catch his name?"

"Yeah. Naoyasu Kuguri."

TIME SKIP

The two boys ended up being good friends. They didn't get to hang out as much as they wanted but it was good enough for them due to the fact that they weren't very social people anyway. Though, when they found out that they both got to go to the same training camp, they were excited. In the training camp you actually got time to lay back and chat with people from other teams, giving them the chance to hangout with each other.

The thing was, at this training camp they allowed parents and/or siblings to come. The parents would come watch their children play, help with lunch and dinner, and help with other fun drills and activities, and if they had younger children they were allowed to bring them. That's how a lot of the parents and siblings made good friends with the others. Taichi's mom, Annike, had always come, due to the fact that, 1) she loves and wants to support her son, and 2) she was great friends with most of the moms of his teammates and other teams. She would always bring Taichi's little six-year-old half sister, Takara, who enjoyed playing with the other little ones. She was the result of of Taichi's old stepfather. He was a cool guy and him and his mom were on good terms. Taichi never really gave him a chance though. However, Taichi would never deny the fact that he adored his little sister.

Once they arrived, Taichi quickly scoped out his teammates and joined them whilst his mother conversated with the other parents.

The coaches informed everyone that they would take the first day to let everyone get settled in, eat, and conversate.

Earlier into the day, Taichi heard his name being called.

"Kawanishi-San. Hello."

Taichi turned around, already having an idea of who it was.

"Hi Kuguri-Kun, how've you been?"

"Alright. You?"

"Fine, thanks."

"Naoyasu! Don't run off like that."

(Bold + Blue = Speaking in Finnish)

"Sorry ma."

Taichi looked a little behind Naoyasu and saw a short, pale woman with blonde hair that fell beautifully over her shoulders, he could've swore she was made of glass. She had on light blue jeans and a grey shirt on. Her eyes were the same color as Naoyasu's.

"Who's this?"

Taichi had no clue what she was saying, considering she was speaking in Finnish. Suddenly Naoyasu moved to the side, so that he wasn't between the two and they could meet eyes and Taichi didn't only see one half of her.

"Ma, this is Taichi Kawanishi, a friend of mine. Kawanishi-San, this is my mother."

Taichi remembered that Naoyasu only had his mother and knew that she knew and taught him German, plus Naoyase was just speaking to her in German so he responded in German.

"It's nice to meet you Kuguri-San. I'm good friends with Naoyasu-Kun."

Taichi stuck his hand out. The woman grabbed it, firmly shaking his hand.

"Nice to meet you Taichi-Kun. You can call me Aino."

"Taichi!"

Taichi looked behind him to see that his mother had come up behind him. She walked up beside him, a smile on her face, Takara beside her. Taichi's mom had curly, long, ginger hair that was pulled into a ponytail. She had on jeans and a t-shirt just like Miss Aino. She turned over to Aino and now the womans' jaws dropped.

Taichi and Naoyasu looked confused while Takara didn't seem to care all the much, only hugging her big brother's leg. Taichi patted her head, still not taking his eyes off of the two women.

"Aino?"

"Annike?"

Now the boys were beyond confused. They knew each other. Both the women nodded to each other and began to walk away. Taichi tried to call out to his mother.

"Mom-"

"Watch your sister Taichi. I'll be back soon."

Naoyasu tried too.

"Mom where are you-"

"Stay with Taichi, help watch the girl."

"Hi!"

Taichi and Naoyasu both looked at each other, shrugged, and looked down at the little girl, who was now looking up at Naoyasu.

WITH THE WOMEN

The two were behind the building now, staring at each other.

"It's been a while."

"It has."

They both were quiet for a few seconds.

"Is that...his son?"

Aino nodded.

"Yeah...it is. Naoyasu is his. I'm sure Taichi is his, correct?"

"Yeah, he is."

The two women chuckled.

"They're half-brothers."

"Yeah they are. They deserve to know."

Annike nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, I can't lie to Taichi any longer."

The two talked more. Catching up with each other and talking about their respective sons. They were nervous to tell their sons, yet excited and happy that they at least had met and are good friends.

AFTER THEY HAD SAT THE TWO BOYS DOWN

Both Taichi and Naoyasu were now sat down on the curb of the parking lot near the building where the training camp was being held. The women were leaning against the Kawanishi's car, both smoking a cigarette. Takara was being watched by some of the Shiratorizawa moms.

Annike dropped the cigarette onto the asphalt and stepped on it, putting it out.

"We have to tell you something important."

The two boys nodded.

"I don't think you both realize how much this will affect you both. This will shock you both tremendously."

The two were hesitant, but nodded. The two women looked at each other and Aino gestured for the other to go ahead and tell the two.

"You two are half-brothers."

The two brothers paused completely. That was until Taichi slapped his thigh and stood up.

"I knew we looked alike!"

He didn't say it in German, causing some other people to look at the usually quiet boy out of curiosity. Taichi bowed towards them apologetically before returning to the situation at hand.

Naoyasu was in shock. Half-brothers? He was just being told now? He assumed that they had the same dad. He wasn't stupid. He put two and two together.

Naoyasu stood up beside Taichi. The two looked at each other not exactly knowing what to do. However, Taichi, who was already a big brother, now of two, had his instincts kick in. Whenever his little sister was confused and was completely lost on what to do, he comforted her, so that's what he did to his new, well new in his life, little brother.

Taichi wrapped his arms around Naoyasu tightly. Naoyasu seemed genuinely scared at first but calmed down quickly. He hesitantly wrapped his arms around Taichi, resting his head on Taichi's shoulder.

The two women smiled gently at their sons, both extremely pleased that the two seemed happy. Taichi pulled away and patted both Naoyasu's shoulders.

"Let's go introduce you to your new little sister too."

Naoyasu looked confused.

"But...I'm not related to her."

"You're part of the family now. No escaping."

Taichi and Naoyasu both laughed and began to make their way to the little girl. The moms watched before Annike started walking too. She noticed that Aino wasn't following her and turned around.

"You too, Aino. You're part of the family too."

Aino couldn't even fight the smile creeping onto her face and dropped her cigarette, stepping on it. Annike reached her hand out and Aino grabbed it.

They both rounded the corner and smiled widely when they saw Takara walking between her two big brothers, holding both theirs hands and talking about something with a big smile on her face.

[omoi-no-hoka]

Hello! I'm sorry if this has been asked before, but how do you become proficient at handling conversations in Japanese/handling grammar very well? I read your post on the JLPT, and it addressed issues I have been tip toe-ing around--indeed, passive actions such as listening or reading are easier than the active ones. How did you go about that? Did you write a bunch of sentences daily? Did you have a conversation partner? What would you rec. to someone who lives outside Japan? Thank you!

This is an excellent question, and one that I get asked a lot irl by Japanese people in particular. Let’s talk about gaining fluency and the ways we can go about it!

How to Gain Fluency in Japanese (and Other Languages)

Speaking Fluency versus Accuracy

Language proficiency is divided into two separate categories:

Fluency: Although there are no widely agreed-upon definitions or measures of language fluency, someone is typically said to be fluent if their use of the language appears fluid, or natural, coherent, and easy as opposed to slow, halting use. In other words, fluency is often described as the ability to produce language on demand and be understood.

Accuracy: Correctness of language use, especially grammatical correctness and word choice.

By the above definitions, a “fluent” speaker may make grammatical mistakes, but they can speak without having to stop and think too much about conjugations, word choice, etc.

An “accurate” speaker can speak with nearly zero grammatical/word choice mistakes. However, the speed of their utterances isn’t generally taken into account, so it could take an “accurate” person twice as long to articulate the same idea as a “fluent” person. 

Ideally, you need to strike a good balance between these two qualities when speaking. I have a boss, God bless him, who is 100% fluency and 0% accuracy and…man is it hard to understand what he’s saying sometimes, but he can generally get his point across just barely. I have another coworker who is 100% accuracy and takes about 3 minutes to form a sentence because he wants it to be perfect. 

How to Increase Speaking/Writing Accuracy

First, let’s talk about the easiest thing to improve, which is accuracy. It’s also (in my opinion) the least fun thing to improve, because it means grammar books and vocabulary memorization. 

You can only use a language accurately if you know what is correct and what is incorrect, and you can only learn that by studying grammar and vocabulary (or if you’re a native speaker and picked it up innately, you lucky bastard).

So here’s some things you can do to increase your accuracy:

For example, if you’re having a hard time using the passive, you need to review that part of your textbook and find some exercises to drill it into your head. 

Say the correct thing aloud. Lots. Sometimes I just walk around my apartment and narrate everything I see/do like a crazy person, but that’s good practice. 

Write example sentences using the grammar you’re struggling with and say them aloud too. 

There’s a bunch of cool apps that connect you with native speakers that can help correct you too! I used to use HelloTalk, I think. 

If you’re a creative soul, when I was studying for the JLPT, I took 1 grammar point and 5 vocabulary words from my JLPT study books and used them to write a 2-page short story about the adventures of ネギ, a stray black cat that smelled like green onions because she napped in an onion field. Then I had a Japanese friend check it over for me and mark mistakes. I hand-wrote them to improve my abysmal handwriting at the same time. It was really fun! I sometimes think about doing it again just for funsies.

When someone corrects you, don’t feel like your entire life is over and you’re a failure and you’ll never get it right haha. I’ve seen people fall into that hopeless mindset, and that’s just nonsense. It’s a good opportunity for learning and nothing more! Say the correct thing you’ve just been taught out loud, then write it down if you can. And, if possible, find a chance to use it in conversation asap.

How to Increase Speaking/Writing Fluency

Now this is the hard one. Especially for those learners who do not have native speakers nearby. 

I’m going to be dead honest with you. I started formally studying Japanese at uni, and I had a Japanese roommate/best friend since year one. I had a 4.0 GPA in my Japanese classes (and only my Japanese classes lol) because I was and still am a MEGA NERD about it. 

...But it wasn’t until I studied abroad in Japan my 4th year of uni that I gained fluency. 

There are a lot of things that can hold us back from fluency. An interesting thing I’ve noted is that Foreign Language is perhaps the only subject in which a student’s personality can directly affect their progress. To gain fluency, you have to go forth and speak, but if you are naturally a shy person, that is going to hinder you. If you are the kind of person who takes mistakes/failures poorly, you will be less likely to take risks and try to say harder sentences. In contrast, you can get full marks in math regardless of the above personality traits. 

I’m not saying that you have to be an outgoing explosion of a human being in order to gain fluency. But what I am saying is that you have to be willing to seek out conversations, and you have to be willing to take chances. Get out of your comfort zone. Use that new word you picked up the other day. Try to explain something that is difficult for you. 

My problem was that, while I lived with a native speaker who would have happily taught me anything I asked, her English proficiency was much higher than my Japanese proficiency. And when I struggled to say something in Japanese, I’d fall back onto English. And when she told me something I didn’t understand in Japanese, she’d repeat it in English instead of Japanese, because that was easier for us both. The same thing happened when I was in Japanese class as well. I always had the assurance that I could fall back on English.

But when I elected to study abroad in Japan for 3 months, I knew that this was my big chance. So on the host family form in the “other requests” area, I wrote that I specifically wanted a host family that could not speak English. I was setting fire to my crutches, and I was scared but excited to see them burn. 

By the end of my three months in Japan, I had gone from “Chotto matte kudasai” and needing a minute to form my reply, to “Okay, yeah I see that movie too and I liked the action scenes, but I didn’t care for the story little.” (I’ve underlined mistakes that I would have made in Japanese, to show you that I sacrificed some accuracy to obtain higher fluency.)

So, in short, the easiest and quickest way to increase your spoken fluency is to throw away all the crutches you can and use the language as much as possible. Every single day. Even if you’re just having an imaginary conversation with yourself! And like I said, there are a bunch of cool apps that connect you with Japanese people who want to learn English and you can do language exchanges with them. I had a lot of fun with those in the past. 

As for increasing writing fluency...well. That’s a tough question with Japanese, because I can type Japanese at like 100 wpm, but my Japanese handwriting fluency is at a 10/100. I can read and type at the level of a native Japanese high school student, but I can only write the kanji that 7 year old can write. That’s no exaggeration.

The big reason for that dichotomy is that my work is paper-free. 100% of my work is done on screen, so about the only time I have to write out something is when I’m filling out a form, which includes my name (katakana), address, and maybe occupation. 

If you want to increase your Japanese handwriting speed, just keep on writing. Write those little short stories about ネギ like I did, or find some writing prompts (I just started a side-blog with writing prompts yesterday btw) or keep a little diary. Make opportunities to write. 

How to Have Nice Handwriting in Japanese

Okay, full disclaimer: I am the absolute LAST person qualified to talk about this, because I have awful handwriting in Japanese. 

Unless you have prior experience with a different language that uses kanji, or you lack the keen eye of an artist, you will likely struggle to develop neat handwriting. 

Personally, I really like using this app called Japanese Kanji Sensei. It’s on Android (not sure about iOS), and if you pay just a few bucks you can make your own kanji sets and stuff. Anyways, it will show you how to write the characters prettily. It gives you a good frame of reference for what nice, pencil/pen-written characters (versus calligraphy characters). It has hiragana and katakana on it too!

I get a stylus and write out the characters on this app for the muscle memory, so my hands remember the sensation of writing a certain character. (The muscle memory is different if you only use your fingertip.) This muscle memory and repetition is how Japanese people learn how to internalize kanji as well. I really enjoy and recommend this app. I’m sure that there are others out there like it too.

Summary

TL;DR: Review your textbooks, take risks, use every resource available or make your own, and just have fun with it! 💗

[closer-stars]

Gut Feeling (3)

Member: San Genre: Comfort, Fluff, some Angst Word Count: 9.5k  Requested: Yes Content: Part 3 of Gut Feeling/San x Manager!Reader series ayooo. Roughly around Inception/Immortal Songs time period. Food mention.  References to some of the stuff they’ve written for the fans also are in this lol. Reader comforts San also in this. The fun kinda starts here. Note: pls this was tricky to write and edit... lmao, gotta juggle manager work with relationships amirite. Anyways, I hope this is okay cause this was... A Field Day. Not much else to say except hahaha Flashes a Peace Sign. I’ve proofread this a couple of times, and to just specify again, I’m trying to keep this gender neutral, so if there’s a slip up of gender specific traits and the like, please do tell me. Ty to @hwaberrykiwi , @yeocult and @yeochikin for dealing with my brain farts and questions as I wrote this. ilysm

Part 1, Part 2

It’s been hectic for everyone in the company. Everyone’s been almost up to their necks preparing for the comeback. Various deals to be made for various photoshoots; it was a miracle that some brands have invited the boys for their magazines rather than the other way around. Despite their lengthy hiatus, it seemed their popularity only continued to grow. It wasn’t a bad thing (at least they managed to catch up on rest), the pressure to make sure they make up for what was lost is there and perhaps an added burden.

Everyone’s been working harder to make sure their performances for their promotional period were good, if not better than how they did in the past. You haven’t been running on your usual hours of sleep-- save for a few power naps here and there, having to bring the boys back and forth from the company to stylists to the dorm to recordings and so on. You can only assume that it’ll get wilder once promotions do start. Yet, the gradual climb of their activities is met with mixed feelings: relief to be back on stage, worry for everyone’s health, pressure to meet not only the standards of the public but also theirs. 

So now, San’s overthinking once more, getting caught up in his insecurities. The closer their comeback is, the later he stays. While he always does stay in the studio up until he can barely dance properly, the past few weeks have been harsh on him. You’ve only been with this group for a few months but you can already read him. He’s always been the type to wear his heart on his sleeve. He’s also the type to find himself being his own competition. He’s focusing on his shortcomings as a dancer, frustrated that there were certain parts that he couldn’t do properly. You’re in the studio with him again. With the amount of times you’ve done this, you’ve eventually blocked off parts of your schedule for him. The rest of the boys have gone home at this point, catching up on rest to prepare for the next day. 

You sit back, taking small sips of your iced green tea as you watch helplessly as San goes through the same counts, never quite getting it the way he wants to. “San..” you call softly. 

“Just give me thirty minutes.” This is the sixth time he’s said it. He hears your heavy sigh and he looks at you, brows furrowed, still too engrossed by the demons in his head. “What?” He rasps out. It’s a miracle you could hear each other over the music but you do. With his question, you beckon him over. He sighs, stopping the music before standing in front of you. You pat the seat next to you. He doesn’t fight back and drops himself next to you. “What?” he repeats himself. 

“You’re getting in your head again.” 

Your words catch him off guard but he tries to scoff at it. A feeble attempt to brush off your words. Was he that easy to read?

“San, I’m serious. In the time I’ve worked with you, I know when you’re getting into your head.” You say it clearer this time. “Talk to me.” You say though it sounds more like a plea. He’s a stubborn one. You readjust yourself to face him, your drink now in between your legs as you reach for his water bottle. “Maybe not as your manager but as your friend.” You just wanted to help him, as much as his stamina is better than anyone you know, he’s still human. 

San’s head rests against the white wall, the cold feeling of the wall cooling down how hot his head has become from constant exertion. He can still feel the muscle soreness from his workout from two days ago. “There’s so much on my mind.” He murmurs, gnawing slightly at the rim of his water bottle in thought. 

“We got time.” You return softly. 

He doesn’t know what to say. It’s not an everyday thing that he talks of his worries. He’s been the type to carry the burden of others but rare were the times he lets others carry his burdens. He lets your words sink in first as he tries to figure out with thought to speak out about first. He takes small sips to gather enough words to sound cohesive despite the incohesive thoughts. He sets his bottle down and that’s when he starts talking. He’s not happy with how he’s dancing lately. He sees how better Yunho is compared to him, how quick he gets the choreography. While San does know how to help others, asking for help for himself is another thing in itself.One way or another, he figures it out on his own. A blessing and a curse it was to be this independent. “...There’s so much I lack in, I don’t think I’ll live up to their expectations too.” His eyes are closed the entire time he speaks, not wanting you to see that he’s near tears.  It’s one part pride, one part insecurity, one part pressure, and a whole lot of perfectionism. The fact he manages to talk about it is a step out of it but the struggle to get through it is another thing. 

It pains you to see him like this. No matter how much he improves, he still sees where he lacks. It’s normal but to see him have his insecurities eat at him hurts you. “San, look at me.” You urge softly. He doesn’t move but you notice that his breathing has slowed down. You do know he’s still awake so you tilt his head to make him look at you. “Look at me, open your eyes, San.” It’s the gravity in your words and tone that makes him follow your order. He sees his reflection in your eyes and for a moment, he’s stunned. The distance, or lack thereof, is disorienting him. He’s never seen you this intense-- well he has, but not like this, this protective that he can’t get himself to move or look away. He could easily shake your hold off or look at a corner but he can’t. 

Goddamn, what is going on? 

“San, you’re amazing out there. Everyday, you improve. Everyday, you take everyone’s breath away with how much you put yourself into your performances. The performer I saw months back has improved to become the performer he is now. But San, you’re still a human at the end of the day. It’s okay to go at your own pace. ” Your words make his chest tight. Those were the same words he tells his members and his fans. He knows the turmoil of putting yourself up in a competition where you’re the only player yet he always does it even if it hurts him. But the feeling of having someone say it back to him, it feels different. It’s words he needed to hear not from him, but from someone else. To hear it from you washes over him in mind numbing comfort. “It doesn’t matter if Yunho gets it before you do, or if you don’t do it perfectly in the first try.” You continue, the pad of your thumb wiping away the tears that have fallen from his eyes. “What matters is you’re improving. San, you’re still human. It’s okay.” You’ve heard the stories of how they started as trainees over meals you’ve shared with them. From one trainee who couldn’t dance properly to being the idol that others look up to for their passion in dancing. He’s become the standard from what you were observing. 

Your words make him rest his forehead against your shoulder. In other circumstances, you would’ve made a face at the feeling of sweat seeping onto your shirt. For now, you hold him, rubbing his back gently as he quietly cries out his frustrations. There were things he wished he could share these concerns with Seonghwa but he couldn’t. He never could. Yet, here he is, showing his vulnerability to you. Someone who he has only known for a few months. Someone who he has become vulnerable around. Even in his blubbering incoherent mess of thoughts, you somehow manage to be on the same page as him, bringing him back to reality, bringing him the clarity he needs. 

It takes a while before his sniffles even into breathing. You tilt your head to check on him and he pulls away when he feels you shift. “I’m sorry.” he mumbles, wiping his tears away. 

You shake your head, turning down his apology. Your eyes shine gently at him as you study him carefully. Damn, even your eyes feel a little hot. His shoulders aren’t as heavy as they were earlier. His hands reaching up to rub at his eyes. It wouldn’t be long now before exhaustion takes him under to slumber. “Let’s go home, you deserve the rest.”

“Can we get something to eat first…” He asks, just in time for his stomach to growl in agreement. 

“7/11?”

He nods, his bottom lip jutting out slightly. 

“Get some comfort food, I’ll pay for it this time.”

--------

The ride back is relaxed this time, well as relaxed it could be when San’s in a better mood. San sings at the top of his lungs to the songs that play on the radio. It’s tricky to keep yourself serious on the road when he’s being this carefree. It comes to the point where even you sing along with him, though softly. A small voice in your head sulks at how this is short lived. By the time you reach the apartment complex, it’s back to reality. It’s back to being their manager. Somehow you wondered if in another life, would the two of you meet as well? Would the two of you get along still? You shake the thoughts away quickly, mentally reminding yourself to focus. 

“Something on your mind?” 

You wonder if you’re just as easy to read as he is to you. “Mm?” You glance at the stop light then turn your gaze to him. The question takes a moment to register then you reassure him. “Ah, it’s nothing.” He doesn’t get the chance to press when the red shifts to green, pushing you to start driving again. 

It was quiet for the rest of the trip, until you arrived at the parking lot again. Once you switch the engine off, he lets out a groan of relief. The sweet embrace of sleep is so close, if only he could just be in bed with a snap of his fingers but alas, this world is dependent on machinery. The two of you hop off the car and head to the elevator. 

You press his floor number and he waits for the second button to be pushed but it never happens. The doors of the elevator close already and is already bringing the two of you to his floor. “Wait, but--”

You cut him off. “You need your sleep first so I’m dropping you off first.” You glance at him under the cold lighting of the elevator. “Even your eyes look tired already, Sannie.” He catches his reflection on the elevator’s reflective surface and you’re right. His eyes are puffy, his eyelids are heavy and he makes a face at how he looks. You glance at your watered down green tea then at his hands. “Are your hands cold?” You ask him. 

The odd question catches him off guard and instead of feeling them, he wraps his hands on your cheeks. “What do you think?” The sharp contrast in temperatures causes you to yelp, swatting his hands away. 

“I was gonna tell you to press your cold fingers to the puffy areas!” You complain, trying to stay far from his reach. 

It takes a moment for realization to set in his eyes. “Oh my god, you called me Sannie!” He squeals, elated to know that your relationship has gotten to the point where you call him a nickname. A common nickname but he loves it coming from you. You laugh behind your cup and the fun is cut short with the doors opening. 

You keep the doors open for him. “Come on, Sannie.” You repeat just for him. “Get your rest. Manager Bae will be bringing you guys to the company and your schedules tomorrow.” You inform him, still smiling at how happy he looks now. 

“What about you?” 

“Paperwork plus bringing the rest of the staff to check out the places for your music videos.” You coo at the sight of his pout. “I’ll bring you guys home if I get back early, I promise.” 

“Ah before I forget..” you rummage through your bag and pull out his hoodie. “Here.” You state as you hand it back to him. The look on his face makes you a little defensive. “I promise, I washed your hoodie before returning it.” Your words make him chuckle and he puts it in his bag. 

“I wasn’t saying anything, but thank you.” He teases but then extends his pinky out as he steps out, bringing it back to the topic at hand. His free arm blocking the doors from closing in on the two of you. You don’t bat an eyelash as the child-like reassurance, you link your pinky with his, sealed with your thumbs pressed against each other.

“Now shoo! Sleep well, Sannie.” You say, pressing your floor number this time, as the two of you smile at each other until the doors completely cover the other. 

--------

Everything's moving so fast. For every music show that had to be cancelled, two more guest appearances take over. You were ready for the constant moving being a manager entails but not to this extent. After this performance, you had to bring them to their next radio appearance. At least there was an allowance time to bring them back to the company then to the radio appearance. You were a little relieved though, since the talk with San, he’s been able to perform with a clearer head. You watch each member perform and you need multiple runs to watch each and everyone of them. They always had little tricks in their sleeves that more often than not, you weren’t sure which ones they would do until the day of. While you know that they wouldn’t cry in the middle of a performance, a small part of you was alarmed at how believable they looked. 

The results of their hard work were evident, various news sites have been tracking their growth, and before they knew it, they’ve sold over a million albums, their songs are charting upon release. They’ve improved immensely and it was getting tricky to not let yourself go “I told you so.” to San who months earlier was in his head, doubting everything. Hell you remember even having to talk to Hongjoong on the ride home over his fears for his members and himself. 

The stylists had their phones out recording the announcement. As much as you want to do the same, you found yourself fiddling with your sleeves, nervous as well. They always take their loses gracefully as said by the managers but still you worry. As intense as they were with their work, they can be intense with their emotions too. Once it was announced that ATEEZ is indeed taking home the trophy for Inception, everyone screams. You let out the breath you were holding the entire time in relief, and you feel pride swell in your chest. Everyone celebrates in the dressing room over their first win. You could see how the group is doing their best to keep their cool in front of the cameras but you can already expect the amount of excited screams and jumps from them. Manager Bae and some of the stylists had gone out to quickly get them cake to celebrate when they return. “Stay here so that they won’t notice anything off.” Bae goes with a grin. He looked like a proud hyung for the boys, still giddy over the win. You quickly push him off to buy the cake, losing precious time. 

You watch them on TV, singing to their song as they bounce about on stage. They’ve thanked everyone as they dance about. You see Manager Bae with another stylist lighting the cake in the back of the room and you sigh in relief. At least they got back in time for the credits to roll on the TV, evidently cutting short the encore stage. Yet, you know those boys would take a while before they’re back in the dressing room with everyone. “You got back fast..” You say softly, making sure the candle doesn’t get blown off from any external factors. 

“We asked to have the cake packed already, Minhee paid for it and made me go ahead.” 

“We have to pay her back then.”

“Hey don’t worry too much, she used the company card.” That shuts you up. ATEEZ’s excited yelling elicits a surprised yelp upon their entrance. They yell louder at the sight of the cake and this time you bring out your phone to capture the moment of celebration. It takes a while for them to settle down, taking selfies with their trophy along with a group shot to thank the fans for their hard work. The cake is back in its packaging, Seonghwa bouncing on the balls of his feet while he has the cake in his hands. 

“Aah, Hyung be careful! What if the cake gets destroyed?” San complains lightheartedly to which Seonghwa sulks for a moment. 

“What are you talking about?” The older returns, hints of his accent slipping out in his defense. “The cake’s secure inside, right Manager-nim?” He continues, looking at you to back him up. 

The way he looks at you really makes you wonder how he was the eldest sometimes but you decide to play along. “It’s safe and sound in there, Ddeonghwa but still, be careful!” You return, patting the top of his head, or at least whatever you could reach as you busy yourself with packing everything up. 

“Manager-nim! We did great on stage didn’t we?” San asks from behind you, wanting a head pat or some praise from you as well. To his luck, you had to be called to help out in carrying some make up bags out of the room as the stylist’s hands were already full. He deflates for a moment as you rush about, leaving him in the dust with his members. 

“You’re getting obvious.” Seonghwa muses as he pats the younger’s head with his free hand. 

His words fluster him, his bottom lip jutting out once more. “What are you talking about..” He mutters through a pout. He just wanted praise, is that so bad?

His defense makes the older chuckle. “Sure. Let’s get ready to leave, we still have a radio appearance tonight. Our managers are gonna wait for us by the parking lot.” 

--------

As the promotion season progresses, you don’t keep track of the days anymore. You just keep track by the agenda for the day and for the following day, you’re just waiting for the promotions to end at this point. You’re getting sleep but it’s not enough, just to get by and still function. You’re still getting the basic necessities of a human being but you hate to admit that you need more to feel a little more awake. 

San notices your lack of energy as they wait for their call time for their next TV appearance so while the other members busy themselves with a few games. He sees you dozing off again, leaning against the wall as you keep yourself warm with your own jacket this time. He doesn’t ask if you’re doing okay, your eyebags and tensed muscles tell him enough. He sits next to you as you try to find a comfortable position to catch up on rest. “You can lean on my shoulder.” He says softly, making sure to not startle you. Regardless of his volume, you sit up straight again at his voice. You don’t make a coherent word come out of your mouth except for something that sounds like a mix of “I’ll be okay” and “No thanks”. One way or another, you found a position comfortable enough for you to not get a stiff neck and stay warm. He lets you do what you do and instead lingers near you in case you fall into an uncomfortable position. 

An hour passes and you wake up to your phone vibrating to wake you up. You shuffle about in your spot, stretching your limbs as you try to gain your bearings. The presence of another person next to you makes you wary of stretching too much, until you look over at them and you see San dozing off in his seat. You look around you and some of the members have dozed off as well, though the rest of them were in comfortable positions. You bundle your jacket up and carefully put it under his head. You pick up on his soft snores before slipping out of the room quietly. Your feet lead you to the nearest vending machine, looking for your pick me up throughout the day. As you count your loose change to pay for the coffee, someone’s voice startles the living daylights out of you. 

“Coffee again?” 

You turn to the voice and it’s San, who clearly looks like he just woke up but can’t rub his eyes. Instead, he takes his time blinking repeatedly to rid the sleep off from his gaze. “What? This isn’t the first time you’ve seen me drink coffee.” 

“That’s going to be your fourth coffee..” He points out, and you can hear in his voice that he’s waking up now. He’s also a little concerned by your gradual rise in caffeine intake. His concern doesn’t faze you as you continue with your purchase. 

“At least I don’t drink Americanos..” you say with a light tone. The last thing he needs to worry is about your health. You’ve been in worse situations and this isn’t that bad still. “San, I’m still okay, I promise.” You try to reassure him, though it seems that he doesn’t buy it. For now, he lets it be. 

“At least I don’t confuse an americano with a latte.” He returns with a smirk He remembers your mishap a few weeks back of mixing up his americano with your latte. The face you pulled after getting hit with the bitterness, only to realize that he has your order. It was a small mistake but looking at it now, it was probably the start of your stress. His retort makes you look at him, miffed at the idea he would use that against you. He sees your reaction and is already ready to apologize until he hears you laugh. You turn on your heels and head back to your designated room and it takes him a few minutes to snap out of it and follow you. “I’m serious though. That’s your fourth coffee and you haven’t been sleeping a lot.” San points out softly, greeting any artist or staff that they pass by. 

You greet them too, but your bottom lip is against the rim of your coffee in thought. “I’m still getting used to the new environment. You have to admit the cancellation of other shows and the additional guestings are disorienting too.” 

You had a point but that wasn’t what he was getting at. “Manager-nim, what I’m saying is, please take care of yourself too.” The two of you reach the door and before any of you step in, you look up at the male, and he can see how your brain is working. 

“I will, now let’s get inside, they might worry where you’ve been.” You say eventually and before you could open the door, he beats you to it and lets you enter first. 

He hopes you keep your word.

--------

On the free days they had, they were back in the studio rehearsing for another performance. They already knew of the offer and without hesitation accepted it. Win or lose, this was a big thing for them. While you managed their schedules with the other managers, you also had to juggle keeping track of the logistics of their stage design. The idea they have is an ambitious one you had to admit, rare do you see idol groups going this far but they did carry the philosophy of performing as if this stage will be their last. 

A small issue comes up in their stage planning, the dresser already got the green light but they worry about the prop to drive in the theme. The various lipstick shades offered to them didn’t quite stand out to them, hell even the make up artists were a little torn on which one would be best. “Just mix two shades or textures.” You suggest. While you had a fair knowledge of make up, it’s not up to par with those who have this as their profession. The suggestion you had given had already taken into account the dark and harsh lighting they’d pull for the stage. While you carry your laptop everywhere you go, you also have some copies of your paperwork in your phone-- just to save your back and shoulders from unnecessary pain. Would glossy finish work to bring it out? Shit, which red shades would even be a stark difference against San’s skin. “Technically this would also mean San has one shot in doing this.” Your head was swimming with thoughts and you rub your eyes as the exhaustion still hangs over you. You wanted the best for the boys in any situation. Him and Jongho were going to carry the atmosphere and they had to make it work. You stare at the shades of red that marked the back of San’s hand. You had to admit, it reminded you of your hand whenever you went out with the makeup artists. 

The make up artists suddenly perk up at the suggestion, an idea quickly forming in their head, they grab San’s hand to look for the two shades that were the closest to what they had brainstormed. Once they found it, they made a note of which shades and decided to try and hunt for it. San looks at you, thoroughly thankful for your suggestion as it had solved their last issue. “As expected from Manager-nim’s brain.” Hongjoong praises and you flash a small smile. You take note of the final list of everything from their outfits to the lighting and props. You have to send this list by tonight and you only have three hours before the deadline. Talk about clutch.  

As they rush about you, you settle yourself on the bench, typing away furiously at your near dying laptop. Maybe you only had thirty minutes before the deadline at this rate. You read the details outloud to everyone, making sure you didn’t leave anything out. Fifteen minutes after small edits. Once satisfied, you send the files to the producers and close your laptop, relieved to have one thing crossed off your list. Manager Bae senses your exhaustion and eyes the boys. “I’m driving tonight anyways, go and eat your dinner already and catch up on sleep until we need to bring them home.” 

You don’t go against his words this time and keep your laptop in your bag. “Watch over my stuff, I’ll grab something at the 7/11 downstairs. Want anything?” He shakes his head and you don't push your offer as he returns his focus on the boys. You only bring your wallet and your phone. Your earphones are drowning out how your brain begs for rest. Once in the store, you pick the first thing your stomach can tolerate from the lack of rest and for once you skip on the coffee and opt to grab the orange juice. A small attempt at staying healthy. 

You’re back in the company, eating your sandwich as carefully as possible and even through your earphones you can hear them rehearsing. The clock tells you it’s somewhere past midnight, you don’t know where the arm is, you just know it’s past twelve and you’re beyond exhausted. Once you finished with your sandwich you head back to the studio, the boys just a few counts away from the ending. Carefully, you slide your way to the bench with Manager Bae watching over them. “Did I miss anything?” You ask as you twist open your orange juice. 

He shakes his head.  “They’re wrapping up in an hour and a half.” That makes you settle in your seat, taking small sips of your juice. The way it makes you feel a little lighter is concerning but you push forward. As long as you have your sense of taste, you’re fine. As they finish up for the night, you’re already zoning out, your fingers dragging themselves against the edges of the bottle to keep yourself awake. 

You snap out of it every now and then. When you do, your eyes go to Jongho and Seonghwa, the two members who had just recovered from their injuries. They storm through the long rehearsal, they’re also the last ones standing as they walk around after the intensive run. The others already on the floor breathing heavily. Manager Bae snaps you out of your thoughts when the choreographers start packing up. Time to end the day. 

You pull up some of the members who seem to have become one with the floor. Sometimes having to use both hands from how they’re dragging their own weight down. “Boys, we’re going home. Come on.” You grunt amidst their whines of a few minutes to rest. San gets up without your help but helps you pick up the other members. You count the members, looking for the missing two. You glance over and you see Seonghwa has busied himself making sure Hongjoong goes home tonight. Once satisfied, you hoist your bag over your shoulder, stretching your tired body. “That’s all eight.” 

San looks over at you, your eyes looking a lot heavier than usual. “Are you free tomorrow?” He asks, pulling off his beanie to ruffle his hair. 

His question confuses you, how sudden it is to ask someone about their schedule for the following day, especially if their schedule technically revolves around them. “Yes, why? Do you need me to bring you somewhere?” You ask, as you wait for everyone to leave the studio. 

“Sleep in.” He says and that’s the only time you stared at him. The incredulous look on your face makes him sigh. “Hey, Manager-hyung. Does Manager-nim have a day off soon?” San asks Manager Bae and you shift your gaze to the mentioned man. 

The man looks at San with a raised eyebrow. “Yes because otherwise that would be concerning.” Just as San was about to say something to add to that, you cut him off.

“San, do not.” You actually don’t know what he was about to say exactly but you were not going to let him tell you when to rest. “I already made my day offs on the days after your promotion cycle, and I’m not changing that. I’ll just come to work a little later tomorrow.” It’s a compromise to ease his protective instincts kicking out. You sense that Seonghwa has been waiting for the two of you, not wanting to leave you behind. “Come on, Seonghwa’s already waiting for us.” With that, you make your way to him, already starting small talk with him and Hongjoong. 

San trails behind you, watching you chat with his hyungs without a worry, as if your head wasn’t spinning a few moments ago. He wonders if you’ve caught feelings for one of his hyungs. You did spend more time with them for various reasons. Was it Hongjoong or was it Seonghwa? Deep in his thoughts, he lingers around Yunho as everyone heads towards the car, trying his best to not always look at you. Even if he doesn’t, thoughts run in his head, thinking back to times you’ve interacted with Seonghwa or Hongjoong. In his head, it seemed that you and Seonghwa were more believable than you and Hongjoong. You’ve shared a few moments with Seonghwa in the past. Unknowingly, his brows scrunch up at how his thoughts have led him to such a conclusion but he keeps it to himself. The chatter in the car has mellowed down to tired sighs and soft hums: sounds not enough to drown or push away the thoughts that tangle themselves in his head. So he turns up the volume in his earphones, anything to distract himself from the thoughts. The songs that play are their latest songs and the final version of their remake. While he can’t dance in the car, he closes his eyes and visualises how he wants to do the stage. It doesn’t take much time before he falls asleep on the way home. 

The murmurs and sighs eventually became even breathing and soft snoring from the boys. You and Manager Bae softly discussing the next schedules and shifts. “Is it alright if I come in a little late tomorrow? I just really need to catch up on rest.” You tread carefully with the question. Promotions have already on their way and you’re already asking for a small break. 

“It’s fine. I can cover for you until you arrive.” He reassures. “What time do you plan to come in?” 

Your phone unlocks under your touch and you look at the calendar. “1 PM. I’ve done all the paperwork and logistical work for their Immortal Songs appearance and other radio appearances. I’m just waiting on the replies from the producers to relay to externals.” Somehow you manage to finish the last of your orange juice. Looks like you’re grabbing hot tea instead of your usual iced coffee tomorrow. 

The man next to you nods at your word. “You’ve been working hard lately too, it’s okay to rest every now and then.” He says with a laugh. “No wonder you and the boys get along.” The road in front of you is near empty, just a few taxis carrying businessmen tired from a long day of work and drinks. “But honestly, don’t stretch yourself too thin. If there’s anything you can’t do, Manager Yoon or I can help you.” 

The words touch you for a moment that you tip your head in thanks. “Yes, I’ll try my best.” Despite your sluggish feeling, you stay awake on the way home. 

--------

You arrive at the apartment complex with Manager Bae and you waking up the boys who have fallen asleep. They only had to be told that they’re at the apartment already to wake up and make their way to the elevator. San was the last to wake up-- as expected, and you were the last one with him, as usual. “Sannie, wake up. We’re home.” You say softly as you shake him awake. He doesn’t reply. “San, wake up. I can’t carry you.” Again, silence. You sigh and look through your contacts, about to call Yunho to help you wake him up. “San, if you don’t wake up I’m leaving you in this parking lot to sleep.” His eyes open at that threat. “San, I swear…” you trail off with a sigh, somehow you can’t get mad at his antics. He slides out of the car and with that you lock the car up, making sure everything else is secure. 

This time he brings you to your apartment first. He didn’t take a no for an answer, typical of him. The two of you quietly let the elevator bring you up to your designated floor. On the usual, you and San would be talking about the day or whatever was in his mind. This time, it was quiet. You stand next to him, and you lean your head against his shoulder, a long exhale of relief slipping through your lips. “You’ve worked hard, you know?” You say softly, his eyes on the display as the number goes up. “You’ve done a lot too, Strawberry.” The nickname came because of how your phone case had strawberry prints all over it. Along with your excitement for anything strawberry flavored.

No wonder you and Seonghwa got along so well. 

You smile at his words. “Thank you. You did amazing today too.” You return softly. Your words make him smile as well. He wishes the trip to your floor was slower, just to make the most out of moments like this.

 He kind of hopes that you don’t feel how hard his heart is pounding now. 

The elevator rings cutting the moment short and you stand up straight again. He doesn’t stay in the elevator this time. He opts to walk with you to your apartment. You look at him, a quiet question at him walking you to your apartment but he gives you no answer. Despite that, you aren’t scared. “Sannie, if you’re worried that I won’t rest, I will.” You start. “I’m coming to work at 1PM so it’s Manager Bae or Yoon bringing you guys to the company tomorrow.” You hand the car keys to him to give to either manager tomorrow. 

A sigh of relief comes out of him at your words. Without the cameras, he mellows down. “That’s good. I’ll see you later in the day then.” He says as he makes his way back to the elevator as you take a step into your safety. 

“Also, San?” 

He stops in his tracks and looks at you, waiting for you to continue.

“Thank you for taking care of me too. Please take care of yourself too.” You don’t think that he’s been a factor to you being able to keep yourself together. It’s part of your job to keep your shit together even in high amounts of stress but his concern for you warms you greatly. He's become a part of why you managed to keep yourself together for this long too.

He smiles at your words and hopes you sleep peacefully for the night. It’s been a long day for everyone. The last thing you see is his warm smile and back before you let yourself retreat into the comforting safety of your home. You figured that seeing his smile to end the day wasn’t so bad. 

--------

Everyone’s nervous for the stage, even you, but you can’t show your nerves. There’s enough nerves going about in this room for the ten of you. Their stylists are the first to arrive at their room, and everything goes on like clockwork. This time it was you and Manager Yoon who took over this shift. The previous days of rehearsal were really just to make sure the clothes fit them right along with the props. Everything they've prepared for has led to this day. As much as they are hungry for the win, the mere idea of them being in the same room and performing on the same stage as big names was incredibly humbling and overwhelming for them. 

The director gives them a run through of the schedule for the night which could stretch over to past midnight. In your bag were a few copies of their albums that they would give to the seniors and fellow idols, and you wondered how fans could carry so many albums when the albums in your bag was already your workout for the day. Seonghwa shuffles over to you after the director lets them get ready for the recording. 

“Let me take these from you.” He says softly as the rest of you enter the room. 

“Seonghwa!” He manages to get your bag off your hands and sets it down within your reach. 

“Even I know they’re too heavy to carry for prolonged periods of time.” The male quips and you can’t help but sigh a little at his thoughtful actions. Glad to see that even without cameras, they’re still the same kind hearted boys. 

You wave him off, handing his clothes to get ready for the long night ahead of them. “Now go change and get ready, you got a stage to tear down.” You watch him walk off to get changed and you catch San looking at your direction, as if too deep in thought. It takes awhile for you to snap him out of his thoughts. “Are you okay?” You ask once he gets back to reality. 

He blinks for a few moments, a little startled by the sudden lack of distance. “H-huh? Yeah.” The answer stumbling out of his mouth. He’s not gonna admit that he saw you and Seonghwa talk the entire time. The shaky answer musters a small smile from you. You hand him his clothes, gently pushing him to the dressing room. “Come on, go get ready. Show everyone what you guys got.” You hope he doesn’t catch the soft meow you let out as a joke to lift his spirits. Yet he does, take it from someone who’s a complete cat person to catch anything cat related. Once the meow lands on his ears, he smiles so brightly. 

“Ah! So cute!!” He squeals softly, his dimples making an appearance but he listens to you nonetheless. Even when his thoughts are in such a disarray, your words don’t fail to bring him peace even for a while. He can’t get himself to be bitter if someone else makes you happier than him. As long as you’re happy, shouldn’t that be enough? But he's greedy, he wants you to be happy because of him too. He’s also aware of how selfish that sounds and he's disgusted by how self centered he can be.

Once he leaves you alone with the rest of the staff, you bring out the albums, arranging them for when they visit the rest of the artists later on. One by one the members come out of the dressing room, fully dressed for their stage. One third of the magic is done, you were looking forward to how they’d look minutes before being called on stage. Now you can’t be in that part of the stage, only seeing the cuts through the monitor in the room. Once that was all finished, they’re ushered to the room where the magic begins. You and Manager Yoon give them supportive words as they leave the room. 

The recording goes by without a hitch but god was it long. You and Manager Yoon often went out to grab food or drinks for the staff in the same room as them to stay awake, even for the boys during the long breaks in between shoots. You didn't want to admit it out loud but you wish the shoot goes by quickly, but that was wishful thinking. There’s so much to record that goes on in this show and you know the boys can’t and wouldn’t complain. Being in a room with the legends, as San would say, is already an honor in itself. Performing in front of all of them? Another honor. You can only assume that the boys are going through so much emotions that they have to keep in control in front of the cameras. 

Everyone’s given a two hour break to eat dinner and freshen themselves up in time for the second half of the shoot. It doesn’t take the boys ten minutes to barge into the dressing room, still energized, if not more. The management was able to bring the entire room their dinner with some refreshments. As if they weren’t already loud, the sight of their meals made their voices boom through the room. 

It’s clear in Seonghwa’s eyes that he has to keep in mind his portions. While you respect his decisions, he sees how you look at him. He reassures with a look as well, knowing how concerned you get with how strict he can be with himself. The eldest member settles himself near you once he grabs his share of the meal. It’s because of him that the other members were sitting around you too, all of them telling stories of how the recording went and the antics they did. 

You stare at Yunho incredulously upon hearing that he made his ears turn red in less than five seconds. All he could do is hide his stuffed smile behind his hand, trying to shift the attention to the fact that San did another impersonation for national TV. 

“So I guess that he also did some taekwondo too?”

“You know me too well.” 

“It would be concerning if I didn’t, San.” 

The back and forth causes laughter to bubble from the small group. When they realize they only had half an hour left, they quickly finished what’s left of their meals and got their makeup retouched before rushing out. “Watch our stage! We’re performing soon!” Hongjoong asks the room as a staff member picks them up and ushers them back to the venue. 

The second half of the recording goes smoothly, and with how the MC was describing the next everyone knew it would be ATEEZ next. True enough, it was them and they’re ushered backstage, everyone’s glued to the monitor now. 

You weren’t able to see the dry run of this stage, too busy dealing with other brand deals and work that comes with being a manager. This means that this performance is going to be your first time watching it. The nerves were setting in now as your bottom lip is caught in between your teeth in thought. 

The stage starts and you have to commend Jongho and San for the haunting beginning that sets the tone for the entire performance. You weren’t sure as to why you were so nervous and worried for this stage when they managed to do everything they wanted for the stage and more. Even you felt out of breath by the end of the stage, but nonetheless you feel nothing but pride and relief for a smooth performance. Somehow even you keep note of the praises they receive for the stages, knowing that somewhere down the line they’d need this for future performances. They win the favor of the audience and for the rest of the show, they stay backstage. Without the cameras on them, you can only wonder what they’re up to. 

“You think they’re catching some sleep?” Yoon jokes to you as he keeps his eyes fixed on the screen. His words make you snort. 

“Pretty sure they won’t be able to catch some shut eye at this rate, they won against the previous artist, that’s enough adrenaline to keep them up until they get brought back to where everyone else is.” You speak a little too soon. The boys win once more and there’s only one last artist left to perform and everyone in the dressing room is stunned by the progression. The stylists knew that ATEEZ had a charm but none of them expected their charm to be this strong. 

The last artist performs and everyone’s at the edge of their seat for the final round wondering if the boys would make it. The lights flash back and forth and once it stays on ATEEZ, the entire room erupts in glee. You lose feeling in your legs at the results, too stunned to say anything. The boys on screen are in disarray with their emotions: Seonghwa and Yunho are breaking into tears, Mingi and Jongho practically jump off camera, Hongjoong, Yeosang and Wooyoung are too stunned to move, even San had to crouch down from the mere shock and happiness of everything. The rest of the recording goes by quickly and the boys are finally back in the room, a mix of hyper energy and quiet content. You and Yoon quickly take videos of their thoughts about winning for their log videos: you with the older four, him with the younger four. The quicker everyone finishes the needed work, the quicker everyone can go home. 

Once San has changed out of his stage clothes, he makes his way towards you even if Seonghwa drapes himself over you just for the sake of some shut eye. At least your bag’s a lot lighter now, otherwise you’d have to deal with a grown man draping himself over you like a dozing cat and albums. “Manager-nim! What do you think of our stage?” San asks, trying not to sulk at the fact your attention wasn’t completely on him. 

“San! You did amazing out there. You kinda looked scary out there too.” You praise him, even while readjusting Seonghwa’s position on you; at least he wasn’t putting his entire weight on you. 

San notices your attempt to carry the conversation even with his hyung being a baby. As expected, he tickles Seonghwa to get him off your back, literally. This results in a match of flailing hands from both boys. Maybe performing Black Cat was a perfect fit for these boys. You let them flail about for a few moments until everyone is accounted for. “Come on, time to head home for your cat naps.” You joke as you head to the car. 

It was a good thing that you and Manager Yoon brought two cars for this schedule. For sure some of the boys would sleep by the time their back hits the backrest of the seat, while some would still be buzzing with energy. You end up with the boys that would knock out by the time they get in the car. San called dibs on the passenger’s seat, while the rest sat at the back without complain. The ride home is a quiet one, San trying his best to stay awake to keep you awake as well. 

“San, it’s okay. Just get your sleep, I’ll wake all of you up when we get there.” You reassure him when his words start to slur and his head starts to bob to one side. 

“But..” He fails to finish his words as a yawn slowly erupts from him. Yeosang, Mingi and Hongjoong were at the back, too tired to even talk, you can only assume that they’re slouched over on their seat, already asleep. 

“San, it’s okay.” You repeat, as you drive carefully through a corner. “Sleep.” You say, almost as if it was an order. Moments pass with no response and you think he finally has fallen asleep. The rest of the drive is just your quiet breathing and the soft snores from who you can only assume is either Hongjoong or Mingi. 

What you don’t know is that San’s still awake, only his eyes were closed the entire time. His thoughts running wild, usually you didn’t let them be overly affectionate with you during work hours, yet you willingly let Seonghwa be on your back even with the possibly prying eyes. He’s certain that you don’t return his feelings at this point. He was sure some of the members already know of his feelings, hell Seonghwa teased him about it a few days ago. Illogical questions pop into his head; if Seonghwa knew of his feelings, why would he be like such towards you? He didn’t want to think so poorly of his own hyung. It was a war in his head, two different sides making possible points that were easily debunked by the other side. If he doesn’t do something about this, it would just be a disaster. He needed to find a way about it. 

In his tormented thoughts, he somehow managed to drift off into a state of in between conscious and unconscious up until he reached home. The three boys have gone up with the rest of the members, and it was only you and him left. 

“W-where..” he mutters, pushing himself up his seat, looking around with sleep weighing his eyes down. Maybe sleeping in that position wasn’t a good idea. When he realizes where he is, the thoughts rush back to him. 

Your voice was gentler this time, “We’re home, sleepyhead,” gently shaking his leg to wake him up a little bit more.  I’m bringing you to your dorm first.” You don’t take his whines to change your mind. He’s more tired than you are, hell he didn’t even remove his makeup on the way home. It takes a few minutes for you to lock the car up and make sure everything’s in place, when you turn around you still see him lingering about, hands rubbing his eyes. “I thought you’d go ahead.” You note, as you walk with him to the elevator. You wait for the elevator to arrive while making sure he doesn’t topple over. 

At least it’s Monday tomorrow. There’s no shows to rush to, no guestings either, it was just a day for them to recover after the hectic filming. You didn’t want to admit it but this routine is something you’ve come to love. As much as you love it though, you do worry for him especially now where he seems like he could just crumple over from the exhaustion. 

This time though, you don’t let San carry your bag on the way up. He’s tired enough as it is. He was practically sleeping while standing up. “You didn’t have to wait for me, you know?” You murmur as you wait for the elevator to arrive. 

“Wanted to.” he says under his breath. His eyes were heavy but the way he manages to still smile is a miracle. “... like being with you.” he continues softly. He rubs his eye with the palm of his hand, trying to push the sleepiness away. It can only help so much. 

“San, we have so many other chances. It won’t be long either until they lower the levels for the social distancing and health measures.” You reason gently. Truth be told, you’re scared he’d collapse from exhaustion here. Though you were strong, you’re unsure of your capabilities to lift a grown man along with two bags. “Come on, the elevator’s here.” You make sure the doors don’t close in on the two of you this time, instead of him doing it for you. 

You press his floor number first this time. 

He hums again, or says something that fails to make sense to you. “What?” You ask as you wait for the elevator to move. 

“I said, it’s hard to not like being with you.” He says, voice a little clearer now as he pushes himself up against the metal wall. “You’ve been doing your work to manage us and be a friend to us, even going beyond that. You’re really amazing.” 

A part of you wonders if he drank without you knowing in the car ride home but you let him continue. 

“Really jealous too. You’ve got your eye on someone no?” He asks, his smile carries something you never saw from him. 

“What?” That wakes you up. 

“Wish it was me instead, the one who has your heart y’kno?” He mumbles. 

“Choi San, did you drink alcohol without me knowing on the way back here?” You ask, clearly alarmed by the words falling from his mouth. Adrenaline slowly waking you up as you start to scan him for anything weird.

He looks at you and you see exhaustion has colored his features. Even with that, you see that he’s not inebriated from any substance. “N’t call me that..” He mutters. 

“But that’s your name.” You reach for his bottle, trying to see if he did drink without your permission. “San, I swear, if you drank without me knowing, I won’t tell the company _but_ you are in trouble to me.”

He pulls his bag away from your reach. As if that helps prove his innocence. “I’m serious.” He says, clearer this time. You wonder if the lift towards his floor was always this long, you look at him and he doesn't look as exhausted as he was earlier. He sees how you look at him with hesitance and disbelief so he takes the leap. “I really like you and I wish it was me instead that had your heart.” 

You weren’t sure if the lightheaded feeling was from how high you were from the ground or from his confession. Just as you were about to say something, the doors open to his floor and you’re greeted by Yunho on the other side. The two of you face away from each other in a feeble attempt to sweep everything under the rug. “Yunho, I thought you would be asleep by now.” You say, genuinely surprised to see the tall man. 

“Seonghwa Hyung got worried over San not being in the dorm yet so here I am.” He reaches out just before the doors close again. San steps out of the lift and waves at you, not wanting to look at you. 

“Sleep well guys.” You bid them goodbye and somehow something inside you hopes that him not looking at you was because of the need to rest and not because of what had happened minutes before. The last thing you see before the doors close in between you is his back and his heavy shoulders. 

Part 4

[joheun-saram]

To Make a Power Couple (knj) | 02

Chapter 2 - Pizza and Life Chats

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Summary- Namjoon and Y/N go on their first date, and Namjoon is whipped.

word count- 5k

pairing- idol!namjoon x ceo!reader

rating- pg13 for now

genre- series, slow burn, fluff eventual smut, strangers2lovers

warnings- mentions of hangovers and panic attacks, tooth-rottingly fluffy

a.n- okay here’s the second part! I wrote this up fairly quickly (don’t expect this to be the norm!). This part I wanted to kind of address the stress of overworking as a young adult (GUILTY 🙋🏻‍♀️) so sorry if it gets a little serious at parts. I also wanted to switch it up so it’s from Namjoon’s perspective. I hope you enjoy it. SOFT JOON BEING A BIG OLD SOFTY.

Feedback much appreciated! 💕

taglist - @beach-bitch-bitch-beach​, @sassyuniversitytacopeanut 

-

Namjoon woke up startled as his phone alarm rang. He was groggy and his splitting headache made him nauseous. “I’m never going to drink again”, he mumbled. He groaned as he got off the couch he had crashed on the night before, trying not to trip over Taehyung who seemed to be dozing happily on the floor as he made his way to his room. He hadn’t stayed at the dorms in a while, preferring the quiet solitary of his own apartment nowadays, and with his hangover in full swing he felt like he was walking through a stranger's house. 

Last month was hell. He had procrastinated on his songs and none of the vocal guides were even halfway done before the due date. Everytime he tried to finish a song a new one would pop up in his head and he would start on that, leading to a hard drive full of files labelled “finish soon” and “draft”, and a notebook full of scratched out scribbles. It was like his brain had decided to abandon him, deciding it had had enough of his perpetual melancholy. He had felt drained and burnt out, a husk with no creative juices left. Luckily, Yoongi and a few of the producers had taken pity on his stressed out state and lent a hand so he had been able to finish the bare minimum three days ago - before the label pressured him further. He was never more grateful for a small break.

In all honesty, he needed a way to jumpstart his brain, and get out of the routine of home, practice, meetings, studio, home. Sometimes, he almost wished he didn’t have the success he had so he could go out and let loose a little - a club, a party, anything. But the last time he went somewhere like that he got swarmed and the police had to be involved. He couldn’t risk that, not after the trouble Big Hit went to threaten media outlets a year and a half ago, when he was caught with what they called a hickey, but was actually a stress rash. 

As he brushed his teeth today, he smiled at the mirror. Last month may have been terrible, but last night was one of the best he’d had in the past year. 

When he had heard Bang PD’s team talk about how they were attending the charity gala as he met them for notes on his songs, he was intrigued. He had read about this non-profit in the paper before. They seemed to be helping bridge the gap between people through communication and that spoke to him. So much so that he had scrolled through their website multiple times, reading testimonials and almost memorizing the mission statement. They wanted to help kids learn English for free so they could communicate globally. He really liked the idea. It was hard for him to learn the language as a kid and he knew that the only reason he became as fluent as he is from the tutors his parents paid for and his obsession with American television and music. Although he doesn’t need the tutoring anymore, he does enjoy talking to the in-house tutor at the company, John, from time to time and improving his skills. The fact that this company wanted to add a John to every school in Korea starting from the rural areas, made Namjoon want to meet the man behind the movement. Little did he know, he’d be meeting the girl who’d shift his idea of the ideal.

He had never been more glad to have convinced his company to let him and the boys attend an event. He had initially suggested it as a way to break the mundane before their comeback practices started and network while supporting a cause he liked. Two days ago, he wouldn’t have guessed it would be an actual fun night leading to him nursing a headache.

He spent the next hour reliving last night as he showered and caught up on the news. He also read the messages he sent last night over a hundred times and had butterflies each time. Wasn’t he too old for butterflies? He wanted to message you again but everytime he tried, he ended up overthinking it. Everything sounded forced or cheesy, and it was worse than any writer’s block. He threw his phone on the bed in frustration watching it bounce and land on the floor, before he grabbed it and pocketed it. Hopping around to get rid of his nerves, he decided to take a break from rereading the thread he already had memorized and check in with everyone. If his hangover was this bad he can’t imagine theirs.

Making his way back to the living room he found Taehyung now sitting on the floor, sleep still very evident on his features as he yawned and groaned. On the couch next to him sat Yoongi, holding an iced americano and staring into space. The rest were missing but he could hear a blender annoyingly whizzing in the kitchen.

“How’re you guys feeling this morning?” He asked as he sat across from Yoongi.

“This is why I don’t drink. Why did no one stop me?” Taehyung whined as he rose from the floor to leave, massaging his head. 

“We tried. You were very excited to try all the disgustingly sweet drinks the hot bartender was making for you.” Yoongi replied with a sigh. “How was your date, Namjoon? You glad I forced you to go to the bar to talk to her?” he snickered, sipping his coffee before exhaling loudly in contentment.

“Honestly, I owe you big time. She was… amazing. I don’t think I’ve talked to someone that comfortably in a while” Namjoon sighed wistfully.

“I’ll add cupid to my resume,” he deadpanned. “Is she tolerating you for another date?”

“Yeah. We’re getting dinner on Tuesday, but I want to message her now. Argh!” He ran his hands over his face in frustration. “What do I even say? ‘Hi I’m the guy who was too scared to kiss you all night so you had to do it for him, what’s your favourite colour?’” Namjoon was annoyed at himself. It’s bad enough that he was having writer’s block in his music, did he have to have it for something as simple as texting too? This was ridiculous.

“Or you could just ask her how’s her hangover today. Jeez. Do I have to draft each of your messages? Stop being a dumbass and text the person you like.” Yoongi scoffed, clearly over Namjoon’s sudden and uncharacteristic insecurities.

Namjoon gave a resigned sigh as he reached for his phone and wrote out exactly what Yoongi suggested. Hey, he was his hyung for a reason - he had a full 6 months of life experience on him.

Namjoon: Hey! Hope your hangover is not too bad today.

As soon as the message was sent, he started getting nervous. Tapping his foot incessantly while staring at his phone, willing it to buzz, annoying Yoongi enough to leave him alone on the couch in the process.

Y/N: Hi to you too! I actually don’t get hangovers so I’m doing great lol. What about you?

Namjoon: What do you mean you don’t get hangovers?

Y/N: I don’t know. Can’t get dehydrated if you’re always dehydrated!

Namjoon: That… makes no sense. Do I need to start reminding you to drink water?

Y/N: Only if you’re better than this app on my phone…

Namjoon: I can guarantee you I’m better than any app on this planet.

Y/N: Wow. Big claims! We’ll have to put it to the test I suppose.

Y/N: You never told me how you’re feeling. Oh and how’s Taehyung? Is he okay?

Namjoon: He’s doing fine. Made a pact to never drink again and if i’m being honest, I’m going to join him. I am shocked that your head is not exploding as well.

The messages continued easily after that, filled with updates of each other’s activities, playful flirting and even photos of dinner. By the time Monday rolled around, you had been messaging each other constantly, with no end to the conversation in sight and the only long pauses being when you were both asleep or working. It seemed like you would never run out things to talk about. Namjoon hadn’t messaged someone this frequently since he got out of his last relationship. It felt nice to relay his mundane day to day events to someone and he found himself excited to hear about your mundane, like how you decided to mix two different types of bad coffee blends to make a shockingly worse one. He was surprised again at how fast he felt comfortable around you. It was even starting to scare him a little - he only knew you for three days and it felt like he had known you forever! What was this weird spell you had on him?

The conversation Monday, however, was fairly sparse, and Namjoon was eager to set up plans for the next day, so that night he decided to call you.

After the first three rings, he was overthinking his decision. Maybe it was too soon to call? Maybe you didn’t like talking on the phone? What if it went to voicemail? Would he have to leave a message? What would he say? His inner monologue was quickly halted at the sound of your voice.

“Hello, this is Y/N” you sounded distant, almost too formal. He felt nervous.

“Hi… uh... this is Namjoon. Is this a bad time?”

“Oh Namjoon! Sorry I didn’t check who called when I picked up!” Relief washed over him at the change of your tone. “Sorry one sec can you hold on.” he heard you say as your voice got mumbled. He waited while he heard you talk to someone about proposals and deadlines. Were you still at work? He checked his watch - it was 10 pm. He didn’t know whether to be impressed by your work ethic or worried that you were overworking.

“Hi sorry about that! How are you?” He relaxed at your airy tone and smiled.

“I’m good. Are you still at work?”

“Yeah it’s only like 7 so it’s no big deal. I usually leave around 8” Were you serious?

“Y/N… It’s 10:04…” He was shocked at how nonchalant you sounded, and suddenly he had his answer - he was worried, not impressed. He had known you for three days and already you were setting his caretaker alarm off. He wanted to scold you for being careless and overworking, like he’s used to doing for the boys, but he knew it was too soon. He doesn’t even know why he’s feeling that way all of a sudden and tried to suppress his protective instincts.

“No it’s not! It’s…” He could hear your voice going further away as he imagined you moving the phone in front of you to check the time. “Oh shit you’re right. What the hell? Okay sorry I’m gonna put you on hold again.” Before he could say anything he heard your voice again, distant again but loud. “Oh my god. Guys, it’s 10pm. Go home! Why did nobody tell me? No it doesn’t matter we can do that tomorrow. Please go home. Pack up now! You too Siwon, don’t worry I’ll go home after I get off the phone. See you!” He smiled at the sternness of your tone - it reminded him of a teacher dismissing class.

“Sorry about that. I didn’t realize I overworked my team. Had to send the troops home” you laughed and Namjoon felt his heart flutter. 

“I don’t wanna keep you from going home. I can call you back once you get there” he offered. He felt bad that you were staying in an empty office on his account.

“Oh don’t worry about it. It was a lie to get Siwon off my back. I’m probably gonna be here till like 1 or something. I still have to get this done” you said matter-of-factly, like it was the most normal thing in the world. He knew that tone fairly well, having used it multiple times himself when he locked himself in his studio, running on nothing but coffee and energy bars.

“Okay I know we’ve only just met and we have our first date tomorrow, but do you want some company?” He asked before he could stop himself. The line was silent for a bit, and he felt self conscious, scared that he had overstepped and driven you away. Before he could check his phone to see if you had hung up you spoke.

“It’d be pretty boring for you to watch me just type away. Are you sure? It’s pretty late.” He was sure his cheeks would hurt from how wide he smiled.

“It’s not a problem at all. I was going to work tonight too.” He wasn’t. “We can just work together. I’ll bring food. Did you eat yet?” his words tumbled over each other.

“How very college of you.” He could hear you giggling on the line. “Now that I think about it - I’m starving.”

“Okay text me the address, I’ll be there soon.”

He had never been this excited to pretend to work.

  ____________________________

He spotted you as he walked through the doors of the 13th floor, pepperoni pizza in hand. You were sitting at a long desk near the middle of the room. He was surprised as he expected you in an office, but he found you typing away at your desktop. Your hair was tied up in a bun and you were dressed in an oversized beige t-shirt, eyebrows furrowed head bopping to the hip hop track playing through the speakers. You seemed to be in your own little world. He felt like he was spying on you as he leaned against the door watching but he also liked seeing how you acted when you thought no one was watching. He was about to announce his presence when the track changed to a Childish Gambino one and you whooped and started to rap along.

You were now fully head banging and rapping the verse at the top of your lungs. He would be impressed by your fairly good amateur skills if he didn’t find the entire scene so endearing. His heart was doing somersaults as he watched you now fully engrossed in the song, typing forgotten as you got up and started to pretend you were on stage, an imaginary mic in your hand asking haters if they “eatin’ though”. You looked so adorable that he couldn’t help but squeal a little “cute!”

That’s when you saw him, eyes wide. He felt a little bad when he saw how embarrassed you looked, immediately stopping and slapping a hand to your mouth before bursting out in nervous laughter. He could write a whole album with that laugh. Oh he was so whipped, he thought to himself as he made his way to you.

“You know you’re not half bad!” He exclaimed as he set the pizza on the table, pulling a chair next to yours and settling down.

“Do you think your fake compliments will save you from the fact that you were spying on me?” you asked, crossing your hands across your chest, pretending to scowl but failing to.

“First, real compliment. Second, would pizza save me?” He opened the box and proudly smiled, loving the way your eyes lit up as you reached for a slice.

“Yes it will!” you exclaimed as you took your first bite, lightly moaning at the taste. “But erase that memory from your brain please.”

“Nope. Never. It was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen and I’m going to save it forever” he said as he also started on his slice. You pouted up at him, cheeks puffed and it took all the self-control he had to not kiss it off your face. He hadn’t felt this way in so long, it was like you were his first crush. Trying to control his pulse, he asked “What are you working on so late?”

“Oh I have a proposal due for a meeting tomorrow at noon and I’m only halfway through it.” you frowned wistfully at the screen as if willing it to type on its own.

“Can I help?” He asked, knowing fully well that he couldn’t. He just had an overwhelming urge to make that frown disappear.

“You being here is help enough,” you smiled sincerely as you looked at him and he felt his heart explode, a blush creeping on his cheeks as he smiled bashfully. “What are you working on?”

“I have a few songs I have to finish the lyrics for. Been procrastinating” he rubbed the back of his neck as he pulled out the notebook from his back pocket.

“Can I help?” you echoed his question to which he echoed your response grinning. He wasn’t lying though. Even though he had planned to not really work, as the night progressed he found the change from his usual writing spot inspiring. Sitting next to you, the sound of the keyboard clicking was soothing leading to words pouring out of him. He filled pages as he stole glances at you concentrating on your proposal, tongue peeking from between your lips, still bobbing to the music which was now playing from your airpods instead of the speakers. He smiled at the sight, before focusing on his notebook.

After about an hour or so of hard work, he finished three songs that he had allotted himself the whole week to do. This was the most productive hour he had all month. Antsy for a break, he looked over at you and found you staring at him, a hand under your chin. As he met your gaze you smiled.

“You’re really hot when you concentrate. Has anyone ever told you that?” you commented. He was taken aback by your remark, heart fluttering at your smirking face. Not missing his chance and spurred on by the comment, he scooted closer in one sweep till your knees touched and you were face to face.

“You’re one to talk. I couldn’t stop looking at you this past hour.” Gazing into your eyes, he was amused to see your smirk disappear as it was now your turn to be shocked. He reached out and tucked a stray hair behind your ear letting his hand linger, enjoying the way you sighed as he did. “Can I make good on my promise now?” He whispered, his face centimeters away, looking at your lips. The way you bit your lower lip made him want to take you there and then. The desk looked big enough. Hell, even if it wasn’t he could make it work.

“Promise?” you whispered as he watched your eyes flutter to his lips.

“To kiss you first...” Too impatient to wait for your answer, he brought his lips to yours, relishing how soft they felt under his own. He was thrilled at you returning the kiss, deepening it as you grabbed the collar of his shirt to bring him closer just like you did after the party. He was beginning to think this was your signature move, and he’d be lying if he said it didn’t immensely turn him on. He moved his hand cupping your face to rest on your neck and he could feel your heartbeat mimicking his. He put his other hand around your waist pulling you closer, wanting to be as close to you as he could get. He traced his tongue over your lips, his head cloudy with endorphins as you opened your mouth inviting him in. He had never tasted something so euphoric, his tongue exploring yours in a rush.

He could feel you pushing forward as he leaned back and allowed you to straddle his lap, your legs on either side of the chair. As soon as you were on his lap, he pulled you closer, both arms around on your hips, your chest flushed with his. He kissed the side of your mouth as he made his way down your jaw to your neck. You smelt like vanilla mixed with a fresh flower garden, and he was sure this smell was better than any drug in the world. He could hear your breathy moans as he sucked where your neck met your collarbone, licking to soothe it before moving further. He wanted to taste all of you. Your hands were in his hair and each tug made him groan into you, making him harder. He could kiss you like this forever. He wanted to save this moment so he could come back to it and relive it. He traced his hands up and down your sides, moving under your shirt but remaining on your waist, enjoying the feel of your soft skin.

“Namjoon… Namjoon... slow down” he heard you say breathlessly as he felt a slight push. He looked up at you, your eyes half lidded and lusty as you grabbed his face and brought it to yours. You were sending him mixed signals, but he didn’t care as long as he could keep kissing you.

“We have to slow down or I’m going to want to fuck you right here.” You whined as you both came back up for air, but you kissed him again nevertheless. Hearing you say that made him want to do anything in his power to make that happen.

“I don’t mind, baby,” he said against your lips, kissing you with urgency, biting your lower lip and pulling it gently to elicit another moan from you. To his disappointment, you seemed to have better self-control than him as you pushed him back, both of you panting as you struggled to catch your breath. He moved his hand back to your hips tracing little circles, feeling comforted by you smoothing his hair you had pulled earlier.

“There are cameras here. I’d rather not make a sex tape on our first date.” You giggled as you pointed to the black sphere in the corner of the room. He had never hated the obsession buildings had for security more, but the crudeness of your comment made him laugh. He had almost forgotten this was your first date, it felt like he had kissed you a thousand times before. You tasted like the relief of an awning in the middle of a summer downpour.

“I think we need to cool down,” you say as you climb off of his lap. “Let’s go.”

He followed you as you led him to the little kitchenette near the end of the room, unable to resist the urge to wrap his hands around your waist in a back hug. He knew he was being too clingy for a first date, but the way you giggled and put your hands over his gave him assurance.

“Lemonade, coke, or water,” you asked as you peered into the fridge.

“You.” He smirked kissing your neck, feeling bold off of the high from your makeout session. 

“Joon!” you pretended to sound scandalized as you turned in his arms, smiling warmly. The nickname made his heart swell. It added a familiarity that he didn’t know he missed from you.

“You haven’t called me Joon before. I like it” he smiled as he pecked your lips.

“Hey! We are cooling down! No kissing! Now pick” you chided and Namjoon couldn’t help but wonder if you were this assertive in bed too, a million scenarios playing in his head. Okay, you were right, he needed to cool down.

“I’ll just have water, thanks,” he said as he grabbed the bottle you passed him, opening and gulping half of it. He hadn’t realized how thirsty he was for something other than you. You both made your way to the tables, sitting across from each other.

“So did you finish your proposal?” He asked trying to cool himself but failing as he noticed you running the cold water bottle against your neck, the beads of condensation dripping on your shirt. He cleared his throat as he tried to focus his attention on your eyes, a mantra of stay focused playing in his head.

“Yes! Finally! It’s perfect.” you smiled proudly and somehow he felt a wave of pride too. “What about you? Made any progress?”

“Actually yes. I kind of finished my entire week’s writing in that one hour” he was still amazed by his own progress.

“Okay, Mr Overachiever” you joked and he chuckled.

“To be honest, I didn’t think I’d be able to write anything, but I don’t know your presence is kind of soothing. It helped me focus.” Watching your smile grow wide, he continued, “I’ve been having pretty severe burnout this past month and it has just been hard to put down my thoughts, even non-lyrical ones.” He fidgeted with the water bottle as he looked at it, avoiding eye contact.

He didn’t know why he was telling you this. He recalled when he told you about his struggles as a leader during your first conversation. Somehow being around you led him to vomit out his feelings. It was… unlike him. Namjoon was usually not this honest on dates, or relationships, as much as he would hate to admit it. That’s the reason he broke off his last one. He felt bad lying to her about a busy schedule when he just wanted to be alone. She would have understood, she was kind and thoughtful, but it just felt easier to lie and not put the effort in to explain his thoughts. Even when they broke up, he lied and told her that it was because he couldn’t handle being in a relationship at the moment, when in reality things had cooled off a while ago and he felt guilty as his feelings faded.

He felt your hand reach out and grab one of his, intertwining your fingers. He felt comforted by the gesture as you rubbed your thumb across him before you spoke two words that warmed his heart. “I understand.”

“You know it’s hard to work at full speed all the time. It’s okay to not be at a hundred all the time. The valleys feed the peaks” you continued. It was a simple remark, but it sounded surprisingly poetic to him. He hadn’t felt this understood outside of the boys for a long time. It was refreshing. It was terrifying. He resisted his natural urge to run and hide.

“Are you speaking from experience?” he asked, needing to divert the attention away from his own vulnerabilities.

“Yeah. I had it pretty tough a couple of years ago. Too much pressure from myself, too many expectations. Led to too many vices and panic attacks” you shrugged as you continued and he squeezed your hand to comfort you. “It creeps up from time to time but my therapist and I have it handled” He looked at you in awe. You hadn’t given him a throwaway answer or switched the limelight back at him. You wasted no time in being as vulnerable as him, if not more. He knew at that moment that regardless of where this thing went, he wanted you to know you better.

“Thank you for being honest.” He brought your hand to his lips and kissed it gently. It was an intimate gesture but he wanted you to know how much he appreciated your words - how much he appreciated you - in that moment. You both sat in comfortable silence for a little while, playing with each other’s hands that were still intertwined, till one of you yawned loudly causing the other to giggle. With the weight of the conversation lifting, you both fell back into playful banter as you decided to pack up and call it a night.

“Do you want me to walk you to your car?” Namjoon asked, wanting to drag the night on longer despite it already being almost 2 am.

“Don’t judge me but I actually don’t know how to drive. I was just going to cab back.” he saw you giggle bashfully as you pulled your backpack over your shoulders.

“Oh, no judgment here! Me neither” he laughed. Why does everyone think it is such a big deal to not drive? It’s better for the environment! “Do you want to take one together? I don’t really want you to ride alone this late.” He rubbed the back of his neck, hoping he didn’t come off as if he was trying to dictate what you did.

“I’d really like that,” you said as you walked towards the elevators. He held your hand as you both got on, liking the way you moved closer to him at that. 

In the cab you both sat closer than necessary, his arm wrapped around you as you both made plans for your scheduled date later that day, trying not to doze off. When the cab stopped all too soon at your apartment, he kissed you gently as he told you how much he enjoyed your company.

That night laying in bed, his heart felt full as he read your goodnight message. He was sure of it now. He really wanted you in his life.

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[ggukcangetit]

Dreamcatchers 6

Pairing: jungkook x oc

Summary: DI Jeon didn’t need a new partner. Unfortunately, his superiors felt otherwise; especially considering the extremely high-profile murder that had just taken place in the port city. Recent transfer, DI Choi Yuri finds herself confronted with a new cityscape, unfamiliar people, a hostile partner, and a homicide that is certain to bring back unpleasant memories.  

Genre/AU: fluff/action/mystery | detective! au | police!jungkook, police!oc

Word Count: 5.2k

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: mentions of violence, alcohol, blood, drugs, death. basically stuff you’d associate with a murder mystery/crime drama.

Chapters 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 

A/N:  it’s been a while since i posted and even longer since i updated this fic but its still here and so am i! lol. updates are not gonna be very frequent but i have a list of works in progress that i plan to finish so there will be something or the other being posted at the most random moments.

also, reminding everyone that this story features a named oc because i’m still very unfamiliar with writing second person reader inserts. i’m not aiming for strict accuracy in this story, and all criminal investigation/forensics knowledge i have has been gathered by watching crime drama/procedural dramas! my knowledge of geography is also not totally accurate so apologies for that. once again, one thing right by @hobios​ prompted me to write a police inspector! jungkook story. would highly recommend reading that because it’s probably one of my most favorite pieces of writing!

21st December

"Is this how you conduct a sample analysis?! Where did you even train? I've half a mind to report you and get you kicked out!!"

Yuri stopped at her desk, surprised to hear Seulgi's yelling so loudly that she could be heard all the way from the floor above. She was usually extremely calm and even-tempered, but the past couple of days had seen her irritable, snappy, and downright furious.

"Dr. Ahn sounds really angry," whispered Jisoo, clutching a file close to her chest. "I've never heard her yell at anybody before. I hope she's okay."

"I'm sure everything's fine," said Jeon, walking over to his desk and dropping a bunch of files on it. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

Yuri raised an eyebrow at him, but complied nonetheless. They walked outside, standing near a clump of trees outside of earshot of anyone in the station.

"Guess who I've just brought in on suspicion of murder for the 2nd Nov case?" he asked, lowering his voice.

"No!" gasped Yuri. "Minhyuk?"

"Yep. He's been in the country for a while now. Fancy giving me a hand with the interview?"

"Me? I mean," she bit her lip. "I wasn't part of the original investigation."

"I know, but in light of what you've found out and the fact that you're now my partner, Goh thinks it's okay."

"You told Goh?!"

"I had to. I can't restart the investigation without his permission."

Jeon stared at her for a few moments, trying to gauge her reaction. "So, what do you say?"

"Alright. Let's nail this bastard."

Ahreum was late. She had a meeting with one of her professors to decide on which medical stream she'd specialize in. Despite using forensics as an excuse to distract Seulgi, she was seriously considering it now. Deciding to pursue medicine had been a drastic career switch for Ahreum, and a lot of people had questioned her decision relentlessly. But if there was something she had learnt in the years following her parents' divorce, it was patience and the ability to block out irrelevant conversations. Namjoon had always been immersed in his studies, barely affected by the bitterness existing between their parents. Ahreum, barely in high school, felt lost and helpless during those times. After the divorce, things had become less tumultuous and she was able to see her parents as individual entities. That was when she realized that her father was never going to like any of her decisions, no matter how hard she tried to please him, and her mother preferred to stay aloof at the best of times. Ahreum learnt pretty early in life, that she needed to be there for herself. She loved her brother and parents, though the latter a lot less than the former. Her decision to study English Literature and Creative Writing had been a spur of the moment one - dictated more by the fact that her high school boyfriend was going to study at a major Arts university. She didn't really regret any of her decisions. Her degree had led her to finding a hobby she adored - photography. And having a freelance job meant that she could stay with Namjoon - who earned a significantly larger amount than her - and move whenever he needed to move as well. This was also how she had met Taehyung 3 years ago - a happy coincidence of events when she had been taking pictures outside the museum at Seoul. They had started talking about art and photography, eventually realizing that they lived in the same part of the city. In addition to Yuri, she also considered Taehyung to be her best friend. She had seen him during one of his lowest moments when Seokjin had left home; and then some time later when he had found Seokjin living in the town Ahreum and Namjoon had recently shifted to, she had stayed by him as he grappled with his anger and frustration towards his older brother until an eventual reconciliation.

But at this moment, she was beginning to lose patience with him. Five minutes before she was about to leave for her meeting, she received a bunch of frantic texts from him.

8.25 am

T: ahreum?? are u up??

T: jimins still in custody

T: im so worried

8.26 am

T: u there?

T: i want to visit him...

T: will u come with me?

8.27 am

T: hey

T: ???

T: i didnt sleep much so i dont wanna drive there

8.28 am

T: are u sleeping?

T: ???

He knew she had a meeting today. He knew how important the meeting was for her. She had spoken about it many times. Not for the first time, Ahreum wondered whether Taehyung cared about her beyond what directly concerned him. If it wasn't somehow relevant to him, he never seemed to remember much. It was a careless apathy that had hurt her during the beginning of their friendship, but she had accepted it as a part of him.

Her meeting was at 9 am and she usually needed 20 minutes to get there on her bike. She closed her eyes and mentally rehearsed the points she was going to bring up during her meeting. Her phone pinged once more, breaking her concentration.

8.30 am

T: hey

T: can u pick me up?

She frowned and shot a quick text before pocketing her phone and strapping on her helmet.

A: sorry have a meeting... talk later

As Ahreum sped through the narrow lanes, she was convinced that there was no way she was going to talk to Taehyung today. He would have to manage on his own for once.

Yuri and Jeon sat across from a very nervous Park Minhyuk, his bloodshot eyes indicating that he had been brought in after a rough night.

"Good morning." Jeon began the interview, his notes stacked neatly in front of him. "You were very hard to get a hold of, Mr. Park. Specifically because your company categorically states that you've been out of the country for business."

"I-" His face was white as a sheet.

"When we called your office, we were told that you are often out of the country on business trips. Short trips," Jeon flipped through his notes. "A fortnight, 20 days at max. Your secretary was very obliging - he told us that you traveled on October 12th and returned on October 27th. Then left the country again on November 1st and returned on November 16th. Another trip between November 22nd and December 6th. And finally, one more on December 10th from which you still haven't returned."

"Your phone records are very interesting, Mr. Park," said Yuri, joining in. "I'm DI Choi, by the way, and I will be assisting DI Jeon as his partner on the case. Now -" she opened the file in front of her and took out a particular page - "is this your cell phone number?"

"Yes, but-"

"Our Telecomms division looked over recent activity over the last 3-4 months. While your office confirms that you have been on multiple trips out of the country from October onwards, your phone has been operating in Korea for almost two months. Can you tell us why?"

Minhyuk remained silent, his hands clenched on the table.

"Do you recognize this?" Yuri placed a plastic bag on the table and moved it towards him.

The remaining color drained from Minhyuk's face as he stared at the ring inside the plastic bag.

"Let me help you out, Mr. Park," she continued. "This is an heirloom from your mother's side of the family. There was three such rings - one buried with your mother, one on your brother's finger, and one found at the scene of Son Eunbi's murder. Can you tell us how your ring found its way to a murder scene?"

"I didn't kill her!" Minhyuk looked like he was going to pass out. Jeon poured some water into a glass and passed it to him.

"She was dead when I got there!" he said after gulping down the water. His hands were shaking by this point.

"If she was dead when you got there, why didn't you call the police?"

"I..."

Faced with a possible murder charge, Minhyuk looked frightened but not nearly as forthcoming with an alibi as one would have hoped.

"Mr. Park," Yuri spoke after a period of silence. "Did you know that Ms. Son had a three year old daughter named Gina?"

Minhyuk gulped, his eyes breaking contact with hers. He removed his hands from where they had been clenched on the table, choosing to hide them in his lap.

"Are you Gina's father?" she continued. Minhyuk head shot up at her question.

"H-how did-"

"When did you find out?" she asked.

Minhyuk sighed and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I guess there's no point in denying it since you know everything." He reached out and finished the remaining water in the glass. "In October, after I came back from a trip, I happened to meet her by chance and Gina was with her. It was odd, the way that she tried to avoid talking to me. And the fact that Gina also had clear grey eyes."

For the first time since the interview started, Yuri realised the resemblance between the Park brothers was limited but striking. Their eyes were the exact same shade of grey - while Jimin looked cold and unwelcoming, Minhyuk's glasses did well to give him a warmer appearance.

"I asked her why she hadn't contacted me when she got pregnant. Or in the three years since Gina was born."

"What did she say?" asked Yuri, softly.

"She was scared that I wouldn't believe her." Tears had started to roll down his cheeks. "I loved her... so much. And then she just disappeared one day. I tried so hard to find her but..."

Jeon poured another glass of water for him.

"I told her how happy I was to hear about Gina. That I wanted us to be a proper family. I was willing to do whatever was necessary if that's what she wanted as well. I think she was beginning to warm up to the idea. I even told my father to postpone my next trip so that I could spend a little more time with both of them. But-"

"But?"

Minhyuk stared at his hands, looking tired and dejected. "He - uh, he wasn't happy when he heard about Gina. My father has very particular expectations."

"What did he say to you? Did he threaten you, Mr. Park?"

Minhyuk let out a soft chuckle. "My father doesn't threaten. He suggests."

"And what did he suggest you do about Gina and Eunbi?" asked Jeon.

"That I stay away from them. For the sake of my inheritance."

"And did you?"

"I was planning to... I-I was meant to travel the next day and I thought I would go and see her once more before I left. But when I got there..."

Minhyuk covered his face with his hands, taking deep breaths to try and calm himself.

"What happened when you got there, Mr. Park?"

"She was lying there... in a pool of blood. Gina was asleep in the back. I-I didn't kill her. You have to believe me."

Yuri and Jeon exchanged a quick look as Minhyuk protested his innocence. They were aware that the homeless man had killed Son Eunbi. The DNA found at the crime scene confirmed the fact that he had stabbed her. But they needed Minhyuk to give them as much information as possible.

"I'm afraid we do not conduct our investigations based on belief, Mr. Park," continued Yuri, shuffling her notes meaningfully. "You still haven't provided us with an alibi for that night. Strange thing - the Park family seem to have a particular aversion towards providing alibis. Your brother was also extremely resistant when we spoke to him."

"You spoke to Jimin? What for?" Minhyuk's expression had changed completely. He looked strangely alert.

"I guess you aren't aware that Jimin was arrested for the murder of Kang Eunwoo on December 15th." Jeon spoke deliberately, hoping to elicit a reaction. And he was successful.

"What?! That's impossible! There's no way he could've done that!"

"Why are you so certain of that?"

"Because he was with me on December 15th!"

"I'm sorry but we can't take you at your word. You can't even provide a proper alibi for yourself on the night of Son Eunbi's murder. How can we be sure that the two of you aren't just covering up for each other?"

It was then that Minhyuk realised that he would need to come clean. There was no way to save Jimin without telling them the entire story.

"Fine," he sighed. "I'll tell you everything."

"Everything?"

"Yes. If it can help Jimin, I'm willing to risk my father finding out."

Yuri glanced at Jeon who gave her an almost imperceptible nod.

"Go on."

"After I saw Eunbi... lying there, I couldn't leave Gina. No matter what my father had said, I couldn't leave my daughter in such a situation. So I... took her away with me."

"Where is Gina now, Mr. Park?" Yuri asked, frowning.

"She's safe."

"Where is she?" asked Jeon, sharply.

"In Busan. I have an apartment there and she's been with me since that day."

"Why didn't you tell the police that you had her? Why does your company believe that you are abroad on a business trip?"

Minhyuk rubbed his eyes tiredly and drank some more water. "I couldn't let my father find out. Jimin and I have an apartment in Busan that we bought under a different name. It was a place our father couldn't find us. Gina's been staying there with me since 2nd November."

"Are you sure your father thinks you're abroad? It doesn't seem like something easy to cover up."

"Jimin helped with that," said Minhyuk, leaning back into the cold metal chair. "He told father that I had run away because he hadn't been understanding of my situation with Gina and Eunbi. Jimin's good at convincing people - it's a talent he's barely ever put to good use."

"So Jimin knew that you were hiding in a secret apartment with your recently discovered daughter?"

"Yes, he did. I have an alibi for 2nd November. I was in a meeting till 9 pm and then stopped for drinks at a nearby fried chicken place till 11 pm. I was a bit tipsy after that, which is why I decided to visit Eunbi and Gina. After taking Gina away from there, I went to Jimin's place, got the keys to the apartment and drove straight there. I think I reached around 2 am."

Yuri jotted down all this information, making a note to check on every new detail that had been mentioned.

"What about December 15th? You said Jimin was with you. Why?" asked Jeon, folding his arms across his chest.

"We meet once a week to make sure everything is going okay," said Minhyuk, pinching the bridge of his nose tiredly. "Sundays are usually the best days for that."

"Where did you meet?"

"At the local ice-cream shop," Minhyuk frowned, trying to remember something. "You know the one near the end of town?"

"The Dairy Berry? Yes, I know which one you're talking about." Jeon gave Yuri a brief nod to confirm that this was a legitimate spot and not something Minhyuk was making up on the spot.

"Gina loves sweet things and I thought it would be easier to take her with me the same day I met Jimin. I think we were there till 10 pm. After that, I dropped Jimin at a bar and drove back home."

"Which bar was this?" asked Yuri.

"Sunset."

"And you drove straight home after that?"

"You can check the dash cam on my car and the security tapes at my apartment building, if you want."

"We definitely will, Mr. Park," said Jeon, surveying him carefully. "In the meantime, you will be in custody until we have verified each and every single thing you just told us. So I suggest you keep yourself hydrated."

Yuri could feel a pair of eyes on her as she spoke to Jisoo and Suho.

"We need to verify everything that Park Minhyuk told us. But there's a lot of ground to cover and we've lost quite a bit of time since the murder of Son Eunbi. So I suggest you recruit some uniformed officers as well." Jisoo jotted down the locations and the times they needed to verify, and nodded to Suho to indicate she had forwarded the details to him. "We need to get the information as soon as possible."

"Will do," said Suho, giving her a reassuring nod.

Yuri waited for them to leave before walking over to the person who had been watching her for a while.

"Did you want to talk about something?" she asked Seulgi.

"I-" Seulgi tugged at her sleek, high ponytail, looking oddly hesitant. She seemed in a better mood than earlier in the morning when she had almost scared one of the interns into leaving the country. "Do you have a minute?"

"Yeah- " Yuri checked the clock on her phone - "just a minute though. I'm waiting for Jeon to get a warrant from Goh."

"Did he-? I mean, Jimin, uh... have you...? You know-" It was strange to see her grappling for words. "Are you certain he's done it?"

Yuri stared at her for a second. This wasn't what she had been expecting Seulgi to talk about. The doctor's relationship with Jimin was even more puzzling than she had originally perceived it.

"We're looking into it right now." She paused, trying to gauge Seulgi's reaction. "But you already know about the blood sample match - that, in itself, is pretty damaging."

"Y-yeah, I know."

Before Yuri could say anything more, Jeon came out of the Chief Inspector's office. "We've got a warrant to search Minhyuk's apartment. Let's go."

Glancing one more time at Seulgi's ashen face, Yuri put on her coat and scarf and followed Jeon out the exit.

Once inside Jeon's car, Yuri debated whether or not she should attempt to engage him in conversation. Her decision was made for her when he drove onto the main road, and lowered the volume of the police scanner.

"What was Seulgi saying?" he asked, his eyes focused on the road.

"Just where we were in the investigation."

"I see."

Yuri fiddled with the button on her coat, itching to say more.

"What's the deal with her and Jimin?" she finally asked.

"I- what do you mean?" Jeon raised his eyebrow and gave her the most puzzled expression he could muster while trying to stay focused on the crazy traffic.

"Their relationship is... weird. He keeps flirting with her, and she is on the verge of ripping his guts out at every given moment. But just now, she seemed almost worried about him."

"I don't really know... they've never really seen eye-to-eye on much." Jeon checked the rear view mirror to make sure he was clear before deftly changing lanes. "Jimin has always been the person who tries his utmost to push everyone's buttons. And Seulgi... well, she has a lot of buttons."

Yuri snorted loudly. "That tells me nothing and everything at the same time. You really have a way with words, Jeon."

He smirked at this, his eyes never leaving the road. "So does that mean you trust me now?"

"No." She looked at him and caught the way his face fell slightly at her response. "But who knows what the future holds..."

The smirk was back.

Ahreum had a terrible headache. She usually didn't get many headaches. So on the rare occasion that she did, it put her in a really terrible mood. The only person who knew how to handle this situation properly was Namjoon. He knew that she needed silence, dim lighting, green tea, fresh bread, and absolutely no unexpected company.

So when Ahreum got home after her grueling 3 hour long meeting, hoping to relax and recuperate, she wasn't too pleased to find Taehyung sitting in her living room, playing a very loud game on his tablet.

"You're back!" he yelled, once she slammed the door to make her presence felt. "I've been waiting for hours. How was your meeting?"

"'S okay," she replied, shortly. Taking off her coat, she opened the middle cabinet in the kitchen and searched for the green tea.

"Great! So do you wanna go and visit Jimin now?"

"No."

"What? Why not? You don't have anything else to do right now. Just come with me. Please!" He had walked into the kitchen and was standing in front of her with a pout on his lips.

As endearing as she always found his antics, Ahreum was at breaking point. She placed the cup on the counter with a loud clink, and turned to face him.

"Because I don't have time to follow you on your every whim, Taehyung. Because I have a life of my own. Because I am studying medicine, which, if you aren't aware, is a very taxing occupation." She paused for a breath, as his mouth fell open in shock. "Because I am not your babysitter. Or your handler. Or your caretaker. And I'm tired of being responsible for you. You're a grown ass adult and it's about time you acted like one."

"Ahreum, I'm-" His eyes were wide and worried, and she felt a tiny sliver of remorse. "I don't think you're my babysitter or handler or whatever. You're my best friend."

"I thought so too. In fact," she said, looking away from him. "I thought we were, or we could be, more."

"W-what? Ahreum?" Taehyung sounded so lost and confused that she was tempted to console him.

She walked to the front door and held it open for him. "I think you should leave now. I'm tired, I have a headache, and I don't want to be around anyone right now."

"Wait! What did you mean by that?" he asked, hesitantly standing at the entrance.

"I'm tired, Taehyung. I don't have the energy to explain everything to you. Now, please," she began closing the door slowly. "I want to rest."

"It's clear!" The uniformed officer confirmed to them, before opening the door further.

"Okay, let's see whether little Gina is here," instructed Jeon, his face drawn into a frown.

Yuri nodded and walked into the room on the left of the large living area. It was a study of sorts, with a large wooden desk, a swiveling chair, and shelves upon shelves of books. She quickly checked to see if there was anyone in the room before shouting "clear!". There was another door connecting to a smaller room, it's walls bathed in bright sunlight and smelling of soft lavender. This was clearly some sort of guest room, judging by the inconsistent decor theme. The furniture looked sleek and modern, but the sheets on the bed were soft and pastel colored. A bunch of soft toys stood leaning against the flat screen tv, and Yuri realised that this was probably the room that had been hastily fixed up for a small child's unexpected stay. And sure enough, soft strands of brown hair peaked through the large covers on the bed.

She walked over to the bed slowly, not wanting to startle the child. Yuri barely managed to stifle a gasp as she looked into the child's clear grey eyes - the same color as both Park Minhyuk and Park Jimin.

"Hello," she said, softly. "Are you Gina?"

The little girl nodded, bringing the covers closer towards her.

"I'm a police officer. I help catch bad people." She didn't respond, staring at her with wide eyes.

"Do you want to go to your dad, Gina?" She nodded vigorously, sitting up at the mention of her father. "Okay, we will. But first, tell me, are you okay? Do you feel pain anywhere?"

The little girl shook her head.

"Are you sleepy?"

Again, she shook her head.

"Are you hungry?"

Slowly, she nodded her head.

"Okay, we'll go and see your dad, and also get you something to eat. Is that okay with you?"

"Yes."

"Wonderful."

It was just after 2 pm and Yuri felt completely drained. After they had found Gina, she had insisted on returning to the station to ask Jimin about his alibi for the night of Kang Eunwoo's murder. From what she had understood, he had refused to provide an alibi to protect his brother and keep him out of the police's radar until the situation with Gina worked out. Even though she still couldn't get herself to consider him a pleasant person, his desire to protect his brother had humanized him a great deal in her eyes.

Sure enough, once he was made aware that Minhyuk had come forward and spoken about his daughter and the events of the past month and a half, Jimin looked much less hostile than before.

"I was at Sunset from around 10.30 pm to closing time - which is 2 am," he said, sighing tiredly and rubbing his face with his hands. "You can confirm with them."

While Minhyuk and Jimin's alibis were verified, Yuri received a text from Namjoon, asking her and Jeon to meet him at Seokjin's bakery. It was barely a 2 minute drive there, so Jeon suggested they get lunch over there and make it before Goh finished compiling the list of paperwork for them to finish.

The smell of freshly baked milk bread wafted out of the kitchen, adding another layer of warmth to Seokjin's cozy shop. The man in question picked up the large tray filled with various different confections, and brought it over to the table by the window.

"Peach danish and americano for Namjoon, chocolate fudge brownie and vanilla bean ice cream for Jeongguk, and a snow croissant and hot chocolate for Yuri." He placed everything on the table, before grabbing his lukewarm cup of tea and sitting down with them.

"So you finally find the child, then?" asked Seokjin, sipping the tea. He made a face at the odd taste that tea acquires when it's between comfortingly steamy and soothingly chilled.

"Yeah we did," Yuri replied, when her partner remained silent. "Goh is dealing with Minhyuk and the custody charges. It's no longer in our jurisdiction."

"Namjoon, how's grad school treating you?" Seokjin diverted the conversation, realising that his friend wasn't ready to talk about the case at that moment. "How much longer do you have?"

"A few more months and I should be done." Namjoon wiped the pastry flakes from the corner of his mouth and nearly tipped over his americano in the process. Yuri chuckled at this, suddenly remembering those random moments in high school where Namjoon was a lot thinner and less confident, but still had a propensity for knocking things over.

"Remind me why you're putting yourself through this?" Seokjin broke off a piece of the peach danish and popped it into his mouth.

"The last time I tried to explain that, you spaced out and created a new pastry recipe for your menu. As much as I like helping your business flourish, I'm gonna preserve my energy and only talk about things when necessary."

Seokjin chuckled and picked up a spoon from the dispenser. "Jeongguk, can I get a bit of ice cream from you?" There was no response, and looking at him for confirmation Seokjin's eyebrows shot up in alarm.

"Okay okay, I won't eat any of your ice cream. You don't have to tear up about it!"

Yuri and Namjoon turned towards him as well, not sure what to do when they saw tears slowly sliding down Jeongguk's cheeks.

"Are you okay? What's wrong?" asked Namjoon, patting his shoulder softly.

They sat in silence, as Jeongguk sobbed softly and wiped his face with his coat sleeve. He turned towards Yuri, his eyes glazed with tears but holding a soft radiance unlike what she was used to.

"Thank you."

Yuri felt her face heat up suddenly. This wasn't what she had been expecting. The soft sincerity in his voice startled her. It was nothing like the person she had met only a week ago. She looked away abruptly and nodded her head.

"There's nothing to thank me for. This is our job."

Jeongguk smiled and resumed eating the disgustingly sweet dessert combination in front of him. He nudged Seokjin to take some ice cream like he had originally intended. There was silence once more, but this time, it was very different.

Back at the station, Yuri finished the paperwork for the day. There was a lot to complete, and since they had stopped at Seokjin's for a break, they had lost some time as well. Goh had been very clear about completing all the paperwork for social services to take over the case from them now that Gina had been found.

It was barely even 5 pm but Yuri felt a large yawn coming on for the third time in the past few minutes. She wasn't sure how long she would be able to carry on without getting proper sleep at night. At this rate, she would eventually burn out. There was only so much coffee could do for her.

A light tap brought her attention to another person standing in her cubicle. She looked up to see Jeon holding two steaming cups of ramen, tilting his head slightly to confirm whether it was okay for him to sit down.

"Did you need anything?" she asked, after moving her slightly. He placed the ramen on her desk and pulled up his own chair and sat down.

"I've got a peace offering," he gestured to the ramen. "I wanted to apologize properly for being an absolute dickhead to you. I-" He hesitated, looking down at his hands that lay clenched on his lap - "I don't really have an excuse for my behavior but I had a lot on my mind. Particularly about finding the little girl. And, well... you really don't know what solving this case means to me."

Once again, Yuri wasn't sure how to react. She felt embarrassed that he was thanking her for doing her job - something that he did as well. While she appreciated his apology, his entire being remained confusing to her.

"Don't worry about it," she said, waving her hand dismissively. "And thanks for the ramen; food is always appreciated."

Thankfully, her computer ping-ed with a new email before the atmosphere could get any more awkward.

"Okay, we've confirmed Minhyuk's alibi's for 2nd November and 15th December. He wasn't involved in either murder. Jimin was with Minhyuk till 10.15 pm on 15th December - his car's dash cam confirms that he dropped Jimin off at Sunset bar around that time."

"Fantastic! And what about the CCTV footage at Sunset? Does it confirm Jimin's story? He said he was there till 2 am."

"Hang on, I'm opening the report. Th-" she stopped abruptly, frowning at the screen.

"What?" asked Jeon, looking over her shoulder to read the email.

"CCTV footage does not place Jimin at Sunset from 10.15 pm till closing time at 2 in the morning. He doesn't have an alibi for Eunwoo's murder."

She turned to look at him, an odd sense of foreboding hitting her as she realized that they would have to charge Jimin for murder by the next evening. He held her gaze, his dark eyes reflecting a similar shadow of doubt.

please reblog and leave a comment if you liked this part! thank you! 😊 

[ones-delight]

I unfortunately won’t have therapy until the end of this month (I should have scheduled one earlier this month ugh lmao I thought one later this month would be better) so I’m doing what my therapist suggested, write down all what’s going through my head even if it doesn’t make sense to help bring myself back to reality. lol. I’m very much lost in my own sauce of feelings and thoughts. it’s allllll about my ex again so ugh lmao. My main anxieties are just feelings about my ex and what’s coming up this semester.

I’m currently in my apartment in Iowa City since we’re about to start back up my usual routine. I’ve been here for almost two weeks now which is nice because I’ve been trying to take my time to relax and get myself mentally prepared for this upcoming semester. I’m also low key glad I’m having these overwhelming anxieties right now instead of later this week. I need to ask my therapist again what exactly I am feeling (if it’s like a panic attack because i truly dont know) because I’ve been feeling hella anxious the past few days (in general) and yesterday my anxiety was so intense that I barely ate and I felt sick to my stomach. idk if others have the same too but when I also get hella anxious, all I want to do is go to the bathroom so tmi lmao. I feel this way now and I just cannot stop crying so again, I’m just writing everything that’s going through my mind lmao.

#1) Related to my ex, heart break

Yeah.. I literally keep talking about this/him and I’m glad I have multiple outlets that I can say what’s going through my mind because if I keep these thoughts to myself, I keep spiraling. I’m also very thankful I have multiple strong support systems from people where it truly doesn’t get annoying to them when I keep talking about him/my overall heart break/healing journey. I know I don’t want to burden my friends with my own thoughts (it can be a lot) so overall very thankful for friends, family, and my therapist lmao. 

I think the last time I talked about my heart break was the letter I wrote to him. I wrote it and sent it to him lmao. I also wrote his mom a letter in Spanish because I want to stay connected with her and very thankful she reciprocates the same energy, Apparently, he never received the letter even though I sent it over 3 weeks ago, but anyways yeah that’s a story I will tell later in this post. Anyways, it’s legit easier said than done to completely stop checking on his social media. I was doing great before winter break. Now that winter break has happened (still kind of is for a few more days), I have relapsed where I was checking very often. The break was great since I got to spend quality time with family, however, unfortunately being back in Wichita still floods a lot of my emotions where there are still a lot of memories of him and I that still makes me feel sad (luckily no longer sobbing about but I do still feel some type of way. It’s getting better thankfully). It also hurts that he’s making new memories with his new girlfriend Kylie so I was def feeling all sorts of things. Sorry, I’m trying to go onto chronologize order of events that have happened. I’m jumping back and forth lmao 

First, did I mention his mom called me the day before Christmas? I was SHOOOOOK when I saw her name on my phone. I legit froze because I wasn’t sure if it was actually her so I accidently missed her call. I’m so glad she left a voicemail so I could listen first and immediately call her back LMAO. But basically, she wanted to check in to see how I was doing, wish me and my family a merry christmas/happy new year, and asked if I could come see her. We joked a bit back and forth like how she was learning English for me while I’m learning Spanish for her. lmao. so after this phone call, I wrote her a letter to update her on what I’ve been doing. I wrote it all in Spanish since that’s her primary language so thank god for google translate. overall, I told her about how I’m about to earn my masters degree in may, I’ve lost now 30 lbs of weight/having a better relationship with food, how I’m honestly still hurt about her son cheating on me (I was in my feels. You know if you ever get those feelings like you want your mom? She legit is like a mom to me since my mom isn’t an active part of my life so yeah I guess you can say I got mommy issues but anyways) I also told her that if she’d still like me to come over, I’d love to come over and see her.

Few days go by, I’ve been creeping onto his social media, it stings to see how he has flaunted his relationship with Kylie. It hurts because I keep playing this comparison game because he truly has NEVER allowed me to post about us and he would himself refuse to post about us on his social media. So, just to see how he’s been basically spending every single day with her and posting her throughout all of his social media, makes me feel an extreme type of way. during new years, she had a party at her house where it was him, her, his brother paco (which I was SHOOOK because she met paco and not everyone has ever met paco, who is his oldest brother), miguel and his girlfriend (both are super cute btw), Blake (surprisingly), and Erik. I felt some kind of way because obviously I know they would share a new years kiss even tho they’ve only been dating for literally a month. I dated him for 3 years and NEVER got a new years kiss (because he wanted to be with bros). Valentines day is coming up and it’d be their “two month” anniversary and I just KNOW he’d actually put EFFORT into spending that day with her. 3 years I dated this guy and he never ONCE did ANYTHING for me for valentines day. ok I’m getting more hurt thinking how he’s treating his other girls better than me so anyways BACK TO THE TOPIC

few days go by and I got another call from his mom. I actually picked up this time because I was really excited to hear her voice again. I legit would die for this woman legit #1 mom. She asked if she could see me and I happily said yes. It really means a lot that she still gives me the same energy that she gave me when I was still dating her son. One of the hardest parts of us breaking up was the potential of losing his family too because they are all truly good people and I am NOT the CEO of letting people go lmao. okay back to subject, I had TONS of anxiety driving over to her house because I had so many thoughts. I asked on the phone if 1.) is Lalo there. She said no. 2.) Is Paco there. No, he apparently flew back to California that morning. I was low key hoping paco would be there still because it would be cool to catch up with him but anyways my main concern was if eduardo was there so since he wasn’t, I was like “ok vroom vroom let’s go” lmao. WOWOWOWWO seeing her just made my heart so happy. She def has a lot more gray hairs since the last time I saw her lmao she’s the cutest anyways, I’m really shook that HIS DAD FREAKING HUGGED ME. THIS MAN NEVER USUALLY HUGS ANYONEEEEEEEEEEE. Typically how we greet each other, it’s like a wave from a distance and we obvi acknowledge each other. so WOOOOW I was very thankful and shook he hugged me. Anyways, his mom showed me around the house with the Christmas decorations, I noticed her birds were still doing well, she even showed me her new plants she got lmao. We sat at the dining room table and talked and ate mexican snacks. She has broken English and I have broken Spanish so literally thank god for dualingo because it has helped me. I love how when we are together, we talk really slow and try to annunciate for each other LMAOOO. Anyways, THIS WOMAN ALSO GOT ME A STOCKING filled with Mexican Candy. omg this woman i love her so much. Anyways, I showed my tattoos to her and she legit wanted to murder me lmao but she says she likes them but hates them at the same time. She also sat me down and we had a serious conversation in terms of how she sees me. She said that I am no longer known as lalo’s novia, what I am to her is a daughter. I am evelyn’s sister and yo boi that got me crying in the club because that’s what I would love to have, to maintain my relationship with them . Okay, to kind of speed things up, basically we kept talking about Evelyn’s quinceanera that’s happening this year AHHHHHH, dropped Evelyn off and her friend to a friend’s quince, and his mom took me to eat at paleterias tropicana where I tried elote for the first time and had a jugo verde WOOOOOW SOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD. literally cannot stop thinking about it. Anyways, random note, I noticed my old K-State beanie in the car and his mom said it was Evelyn’s. It gave me a weird feeling because it was originally mine that he gifted me on our first Christmas together but obviously I knew he wouldn’t keep it so I’m not suprised he gave it to Evelyn. It made me wonder then what did he do to the other gifts that he originally gave me but I gave it back to him once we broke up.. okay that was a tangent, anyways, that was it with the night with his mom and ughhh it was a really fun night and I really am looking forward to seeing her again.

Now fast forward to now-ish, me not doing good of not checking his social media, I got triggered because they now made it “facebook officlal” that they are dating. it triggered me because again, he refused to publicize our relationship and it really threw me off that they’ve only been dating for a month (technically interested in each other since October, started dating November) and already publicizing they are together. they moving hella quick and basically, I got hella bitter. I felt reckless and I texted him. I KNOW I shouldn’t have texted him because I immediately felt a sense of regret after but also low key glad I did text him. ugh i hate me lmao. Anyways, i texted him and he asked if he could call me so I said yes. Luckily, the conversation was better than I expected because it was simply like two old friends catching up. It was a really good feeling even tho I’m honestly still hurt about the way that he treated me. It caught me by suprised when he said that he has talked about me with Kylie and he actually stated that he knows what he did and feels regretful for the choices he made. That was a huge shocker and I do still have trust issues because I try to take things that he says with a grain of salt. He may be saying things to me that I want to hear but it’s not the truth so anyways lmao. Our conversation was good and it really got me thinking what exactly am I doing/how am I really feeling.

I really am happy for him. Yes i’m still deeply hurt and feel a type of way about how he treated me, but I can’t do anything about the past and all I can do is just simply be happy for him. I will always love him without a doubt, but he isn’t my person. I hope this doesn’t come off as selfish but he will never find someone better than me, he is simply finding someone better suited for him. What helps me the most about this is thinking about ME because that’s the situation for him, however, I know I will find someone better than him because I deserve the best.

I felt bad for asking because I am just fucking nosy and I’m glad he was okay with me asking about what happened with his relationship with Lila (the girl he left me for) and how did he start dating Kylie. He shared with with me that even though it was all great in the beginning with Lila (and let me tell you dude, he totally was hella infatuated with her lmao), they started becoming two different people. She apparently wasn’t emotionally there for him when he needed her (IRONICCCCCCCCCCCCC BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY HOW HE WAS WITH ME THROUGHOUT OUR 3 YEARS TOGETHER) and she ended the relationship. It did make me sad to hear because everyone needs support and it is sad when you go to someone for support and they don’t give you it, ya know? anyways, he said with Kylie, they’ve been friends for two years (I knew who she was when we were together but they’ve always only been friends since they worked at the Sunflower together. This will sound extremely bad but I never thought about her being a girl to worry about because she did a lot of “white” things that we make fun of white people for and so it kind of shocked me that he is dating her now but anyways) apparently he said that “they were hanging out and next thing he knows is that he kissed her and that’s how they started dating.” dude didn’t want to go into detail which was fine but I’m also in my head like “ok lmao you literally just got broken up by your ex and then immediately start hanging out with another girl? ok” ANYWAYS, I really am happy for him and wish him the best. 

It was cool to hear about what he’s hoping to do. He shared a lot more detail than usual which again caught me by surprise. Anyways, he shared that he is currently looking for a new place to live (a house to rent) somewhere in college hill (conveniently where Kylie also lives lmao) with Erik. He is also hoping to find another job soon because things at KWCH are no longer making him feel happier so he’s looking to see if he can work for a non-profit org which makes me happy for him because I’d also want to do the same. If I’m at a job where I’m not excited to be, I’d want to also try to make a switch. He also shared that junior (martin, his little brother) will be moving to Cali in May to move close to paco which wow made me really happy for them all. Anyways, he shared that he is hoping to stay in Wichita for about one more year and then possibly relocating to KC or somewhere in Oklahoma. i did encourage him KC because it seems that KC has much more opportunities than Wichita and Oklahoma. Only thing we both hate is driving in KC lmao

Okay, so overall, I’m still really hurt about how our relationship was and how it ended but I’m very grateful that I’m doing what is best for me to make progress because this is not an overall easy thing to do, move on. I do feel low key embarrassed that I still am not over our break up but I’m very glad that I know that He isn’t my person. we will and I cannot get back together with him even if he stated that he has “changed” Yes i invested so much in him to be my forever partner and it didn’t work out but that’s okay. I’m always willing to invest in people to be the best version of themselves and it really makes me happy to see people thrive. I truly cannot and will not take him back if there was ever a time where he wanted to give us a second try because I need to remember how he treated me. If he really was always thinking it was me, then he shouldn’t have cheated on me, treated me so poorly. I’m okay with us remaining friends, but as partners in life? that isn’t it. I deserve so much better and the man of my dreams will come. I’m 10000000% okay with being single because I know I need to work on myself so that I can be fully ready for my next. I really wish my next relationship is my one and only, but hey we’ll see. 

so this is already extremely long but I’m very glad I got this all out of me. I know I have other anxieties such as starting school again, which will be my last semester before I earn my masters (FINALLY), RA training coming back up (so me working is coming back), JOB SEARCH. So much is coming up and AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I need to get my head into gear. 

[krsnlove]

Halloween Phases

A/N: An idea came to me one night about the different phases we go through in life and how holidays/important events and their associated activities can change. Also, I know we’re in November ...Don���t. Just don’t Lol. 

Pairing: Bryce x Casey

Rating: PG

SINGLE MAN

“Did you see Lahela’s costume?”

Casey scrolled through her patient’s chart, reading the results of the lab work drawn earlier, unbothered by Sienna’s question.

“Surprised he’s dressed as someone else other than his meathead self,” Jackie arched a single brow at the news.

“What’s he dressed as?,” Elijah asked as he straightened the plush E.T. doll of his Halloween costume.

“Oh, you’ll see. By the way,” Sienna adjusted the strings to her Red Riding Hood outfit, “the contest for Best Costume ends in an hour. I hope you all voted. The winner gets a $50 Visa gift card.”

“$50. Wow. The hospital sure is pulling out all the stops.”

“I’d be negative too if I lost,” Elijah gave Jackie a pitiful stare in her usual work attire. “Where’s your Halloween spirit?!”

“Right here,” she flashed her middle finger in his direction with a wide smile before walking away. “Byeeee!”

“She’ll be sorry when she sees what I’m going to buy with my winnings,” Elijah proudly smiled before wheeling himself away. “I’ll see you guys at home!”

Sienna watched him turn the corner down the hallway before turning her attention back to Casey.

“So, have you seen Bryce’s costume?”

Sienna made sure her question didn’t go unanswered as she tapped her pen on the computer screen, forcing Casey to look up from the screen.

“I haven’t,” she blinked a few times, surprised to see her still there.

“It’s pretty good,” Sienna’s cheeks color slightly. “I mean, it’s not too bad to look at. You should check it out.”

Casey studied her usual calm friend, nervously surveying the nurses station they were at.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine it’s just...it’s hot in here, isn’t it?” She closes her eyes for a brief moment as she begins to dab her forehead with the back of her hand.

“Weren’t you just complaining about it being cold earlier?”

“No. No. It’s hot now!,” Sienna begins to fan herself with one hand. “I wonder what...what do you think the temperature is in here?”

“Sien, it’s only--,” Casey’s sentence is cut off as a familiar voice comes from behind her.

“It’s one Lahela degrees!”

Casey turns to face the familiar voice. Bryce stood there, fully dressed in his Halloween costume: a firefighter. Or, Casey’s eyes slowly take in him being shirtless with suspenders holding up the yellow latex shorts, almost sort of fully dressed as a firefighter.

She can’t help the smile that comes to her as Bryce stands there beaming with pride.

“How long were you two working on that?,” she looked to Sienna who playfully shrugged her shoulders before walking away leaving you alone with Bryce.

“I owe you, Double Oh Tiny!”

Casey stands from her seat and sits on the edge of the desk, watching Bryce begin to greet each passerby.

“Quit shopping at the toy store for your clothes Lahela,” Zaid groaned before turning around and walking the opposite direction.

Ines is barely able to form a sentence when she looked up from her notes and saw Bryce in his costume. It was a wonder she didn’t walk into a wall when he escorted her to the safety of the elevators.

“Is it too much to ask to go a week without seeing you shirtless?,” Ethan shook his head as he walked past him with Rafael following close behind.

“Seriously Lahela. Do you even own shirts?”

“Okay Jealous #1 and Jealous #2. I’ll see you guys at tomorrow’s game,” Bryce called out after them before turning to face Casey once again.

“So…,” her head tilt slightly to the side, “big fan of Halloween I take it?”

“Not really,” he shrugged. “Why would I want to pretend to be someone else when my life is already great? Besides,” he took off his helmet and wiped at the smudge on the shield, “$50 is $50. I love a good contest.”

“Bryce Lahela, did you just share something personal with me? Be careful. We might become friends if you keep it up.”

A smug smile came to him as he put his helmet back on and looked at her determinedly.

“I’m counting on it, Valentine.”

MARRIED MAN

“Babe, please?!”

“Absolutely not Lahela!”

Bryce kept the laugh threatening to surface at watching his pregnant wife waddle away from him, signaling the end of their discussion. It had been weeks of scouring the internet for an idea and even longer for Amazon to deliver the costumes.

And after an extremely convincing argument, or so he thought, to his wife, Bryce was all too set to don the blue body paint and glossy pants like the Genie from Disney’s Aladdin.

“You’re not putting that thing on me!”

Casey’s adamant voice echoes from their bedroom down the hall.

“Have you talked to Sienna lately?,” he casually asked while picking up the genie lamp costume.

“No. Why?”

“They’re having another Best Dressed Costume Contest.”

The sound of Casey’s mocking laugh overpowered the sound of an episode of the Golden Girls; Her latest series binge.

“$50 will only cover my cravings for one night Lahela. You know that better than anyone.”

Bryce laughed out loud at that, thinking back on the last few nights of his 3AM food runs whenever a new inspiration struck for a strange food combination.

“It’s not $50.”

“$51?,” she scoffed.

“Not exactly,” he sat down at the kitchen table still holding onto her costume. “Winner this year doesn’t get any money.”

“Wasting my time Lahela.”

“You’re right. I mean who would be interested in a month's supply of chocolate?”

The familiar voices of Blanche Devereaux and Dorothy Zbornak lowered, just slightly, from the TV in the bedroom.

“Chocolate?”

Casey’s curious yet cautious tone brought a smirk to Bryce’s lips.

“Yeah,” he said regretfully, “And pickles. Can you believe that? What is anyone going to do with a bunch of chocolate and jars of pickles?!”

Bryce can hear her footsteps growing closer as he holds up the undesirable costume.

“Not a word Lahela,” Casey tells him just before snatching it from his hands.

FAMILY MAN

Jackie straightened the gold cuffs covering both her wrists. Never mind the sleeves of her doctor’s lab coat hid them once she put her arms back down. Or the fact that the majority of her Cleopatra costume is hidden if she didn’t purposely pull her doctor’s coat back.

“This is the year guys,” she announced to anyone within earshot.

Elijah, fully dressed as a Roman soldier with his wheelchair made up to look like a chariot, glanced up at her for a moment then back down at his phone.

“You said that last year.”

“Wasn’t Casey’s baby bump last year dressed as the genie’s lamp adorable?!,” Sienna chimed in.

“That was a cheap shot,” Jackie pointed out. “Anyone who uses their child, unborn or not, to win a contest isn’t afraid to hit below the belt.”

“And,” Rafael unenthusiastically added, “Big surprise. Lahela upped it last year by not only being shirtless but had blue body paint on too.”  

Sienna chuckled at the memory of Bryce smearing blue paint on her lab coat last year after announcing him and Casey as the winners. 

In an attempt to boost morale at the hospital, the costume contest was born. Watching her colleagues slowly participate each year was thrilling especially knowing they weren’t in it for the prize. Bryce’s winning streak was enough to bring the competitive spirit out of everyone.

“I’m going to knock him right into a v-neck shirt. He seems the type to wear one if....you know, he actually were to wear one,” a smug smile spread across Jackie’s lips.

“Hopefully with a sweater on too,” Ethan casually mentioned while walking by, perusing a file he had in his hand. Even the infamous diagnostician participated in this year’s contest with a Halloween-themed tie.

“Sienna, will you please announce the winner already?,” Aurora bit out. “If Elijah’s chariot run over my toes one more time…”.

He grimaces at the reminder and avoids her glare.  

“Sorry,” he muttered.

“Shouldn’t we wait for Bryce and Casey?”

Ines’s voice cut through the icy tension between Aurora and Elijah. A delightful expression crosses her motherly features as she took in the variety of costumes surrounding her. The boost of morale at the hospital around this time of year never fails to bring a smile to her face.

“They both know how to tell time. It’s not our fault they’re late,” Jackie stood with folded arms.

Just then the familiar sound of the elevator doors being opened caused everyone to face the same direction and out step Bryce and Casey in their Halloween costumes with their newest family member in Bryce’s arms.

“I know the both of you must be cold,” Aurora shook her head, eyeing Casey’s one-piece bathing suit and Bryce’s red lifeguard shorts.

“The winners,” Bryce’s voice is almost above a whisper as he motioned to his daughter fast asleep in his arms, “are here!”

Jackie points to their daughter, fully covered in a shark costume.

“Below. The. Belt!”

Casey gently folded back the material of the costume obstructing her daughter’s face. 

“Our little baby shark has had a long day. Scouring the ocean waters for her next victim and all,” she shot a playful wink at Jackie.  

Elijah begins to clap in total awe of the commitment the couple had in the contest.

“I vote for you guys. Mostly because of the cute baby shark in your arms but since you came with her…”.

“Weren’t you saying something about knocking a certain someone into a v-neck shirt?,” Rafael nudged a begrudging Jackie.

“Bite me.”

“Look out for your lab coat Sienna,” Jackie’s glare at Bryce and Casey softened once her eyes settled on her goddaughter.

“Looks like Lahela is going to get spray tan on it when he comes to hug you.”

Tagging: @alj4890 @vickypoochoices @anotherbeingsworld need more Bryce shippers LoL

[t0ngue-tech]

Deadline | Six

“You retreated further into your seat but this only prompted Jungkook to only get closer.

‘Jungkook, I understand that y/n is your girlfriend, but can you please keep the flirting outside of my classroom?’ Your history teacher called out from his desk.

‘Sorry, teach! Couldn’t help it.’ Jungkook replied with ease.

A few of the students snickered and you easily recognized Jennie’s.

‘That was fun.’ He whispered.

↠fluff, highschoolAU, fake relationship AU↞

word count: 4.7k

↠series: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | ↞

A/N: HELLO EVERYONE IN QUARANTINE! it has been about two months since i last uploaded anything. i actually started writing two things but i got writer’s block from both of them so i decided to continue deadline and BAM i couldn’t stop writing lol. i hope you all enjoy this chapter huhuhuhu. stay safe everyone!

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It had been a long and tiring week since Jungkook came over and you both were busy as ever. You promised the math team that you would attend more meetings, which you were now doing, and you had piles of homework on top of tutoring Jimin, Taehyung, and occasionally Jennie.

Jungkook, on the other hand, was doing his best to do better in all of his classes. Plus, he had been extra tired lately due to his training in the evening. He would usually take you home after school, but he was now heading home to do some homework and nap before training while you had your own after school activities.

You soon came to realize that the last time you got to properly hang out with Jungkook was when he came over to your house.

After Jungkook left, you found the confidence to truly call him a friend. He thanked you for breaking out of your comfort zone for the sake of his own selfishness and you became aware of how caring and mindful he was. 

Fake relationship aside, Jungkook was a great friend and as friends, you missed hanging out with him on a daily basis. Sure, you saw him on campus and he was in your third period, but because you had things to do after school, you drove yourself to school for the past week. It couldn’t be helped.

“So, as a girlfriend, don’t you miss spending time with him?”

Your eyebrow twitched and it felt like you could snap your pen into two.

Jennie accompanied you to a coffee shop after school while she waited to pick up her sister from dance practice. You had your laptop open and a notebook laid out in front of you while Jennie had her textbook that remained untouched for the past hour and a half.

“Ugh, Jennie.” You groaned.

“Come on, y/n. It’s just a question. You even said it yourself, it’s been a while since you hung out with Jungkook.” Jennie took a long sip from her drink and fiddled with the zipper of your pencil case.

“Alright, if I was his actual girlfriend, of course I’d miss him. But we’re just friends with an unusual contract so it’s fine.” You explained.

“Just ask him to hang out with you! Friends are allowed to do that.”

“Jennie Kim. Just drop the subject and open your textbook, you said you’d at least try to study.” You reached over and tapped her closed book with your pen. “Plus, we’re both busy these days, so really, it’s fine.” 

Jennie did have a point. Asking Jungkook to hang out with you as a friend shouldn’t be a problem however, it felt like you would be overstepping your boundaries.

An hour flew by of Jennie complaining, studying for five minutes and taking a fifteen minute break. She may not always be the best study buddy, but she was your favorite companion. Eventually she had to take her leave, leaving you in a cold coffee shop with much regret because you left your earphones at home.

I guess I’ll just stay for a while.

Your phone buzzed in your lap.

[4:12] jungkookie♡: How about now? Is it correct?

While studying with Jennie, you were going over Jungkook’s book report corrections via text message. Attached to his text was a photo of a newly put together paragraph with less grammatical errors.

[4:15] You: you can replace one of your commas with a semicolon. guess whereeeeee

[4:17] jungkookie♡: Alaslskslsks hint pls

You chuckled thinking about how Jungkook probably didn’t even try to look for the comma replacement on his own. Before sending him a sarcastic hint, you stared at his contact name.

It was agreed that you were both going to change each other’s contact name to something more couple-esque just in case someone happened to see their texts. The heart beside his name was something you were still getting used to.

“Y/n?”

You looked up from your phone, already recognizing the voice, and forced your face muscles to stop from frowning.

“Hm?”

Sehun stood in front of your table dressed in his varsity jacket over a white t-shirt, sweats, and his wallet and phone in one hand. The tips of his bangs were plastered against his forehead, probably sweaty after working out; you were familiar with the sight.

“Uh, um, may I sit?” He asked nervously.

You pondered over your answer and replied quietly, “sure.”

He sat down and tapped his fingers against the side of the table. You paid no mind to Sehun and continued to work on your math packet. He barely said a word for five minutes which only made you uncomfortable considering he was your ex-boyfriend and you were currently in a “relationship.”

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Sehun finally questioned.

You hummed, not even batting him an eye. 

“I heard something from Jongin today and he said that Jungkook is using you.”

This statement immediately broke your concentration. You scrunched your eyebrows together, giving Sehun a what the fuck type of look.

“And why the hell did he tell you that?” You were irritated. Sehun was poking around in your business and even if you had the intention of making him jealous, using the words “using you” was a bit much.

“I—I don’t know. He heard it from Jeongyeon and Mina. They were talking about it and Jongin just passed it along to me.” Sehun brought his hands down to his lap and averted his eyes.

“So, basically, the cheerleaders were talking about this?” You waited until he nodded. “For your information, Sehun, Jungkook isn’t using me.”

“And how do you know that?” He answered rather quickly.

There was no way you could tell Sehun that you were in a fake relationship with Jungkook and it frustrated you because you knew for sure that he wasn’t using you without consent.

“Why do you even care? My relationship with Jungkook doesn’t concern you.” You had to tone down with the annoyance in your voice before it attracted any attention from other bystanders.

“I—Well,” Sehun gnawed at his bottom lip. “Jungkook and Chaeyoung broke up months ago and maybe he’s just using you to get over her. Maybe he still loves her.”

Maybe. Maybe he was right. Who knows? Jungkook could possibly still love her deep, deep, deep down and was having trouble getting over her. But you remembered that he only misses the good times, that was it.

You let out a rough sigh and rubbed the spot in between your eyebrows.

“Are you having trouble getting over me?” Sehun asked boldly.

“Don’t flatter yourself.” You quipped.

“We also only broke up months ago. After a year of being together, you really have no feelings for me anymore?”

Your jaw dropped a little. Was he serious?

“Well, if you put it that way, since you’re so concerned about Jungkook and I, do you still have feelings for me? Oh, but you did break up with me because you lost feelings.” You held your eye contact with him and waited for an answer. Despite how strong your retort was, your heartbeat was working overtime. You were grateful to be sitting down because if you were standing, you would probably wobble down onto the floor from being so nervous.

“I—”

“Huh, if it isn’t my two favorite people, y/n and Sehun.”

You snapped your attention to Jungkook who had remarkable timing. You were so engrossed in your heated conversation with Sehun that you didn’t even notice Jungkook walk in.

Startled, Sehun harshly stood up from the chair, slightly bumping into Jungkook.

“I was just leaving.” Sehun mumbled and escaped towards the register of the coffee shop.

Jungkook was dressed in an all black tracksuit and had his duffle bag slung over his shoulder. He pulled back the seat and sat down with a cheeky smile on his face.

“Hi.” He proudly greeted you.

“What brings you here?” You moved around some of your supplies to make room for Jungkook’s laptop and the printed copy of his book report.

“First of all, you didn’t reply to my text when I asked for a hint and you mentioned that you were at this coffee shop so I decided to drop by for you to check out my paper face to face.” He answered.

You took the book report and flipped it over page by page. “Mhm, and secondly?”

“Oh, I don’t know, I guess we just haven’t seen each other much besides in school. I figured you were probably suffocating from missing me too much—hey, ah!” You cut him off by reaching over to playfully smack him a couple of times with his report. 

“On a serious note though,” he continued. “We really haven’t seen each other that much. Sorry about that.”

You smiled softly. “Hey, it’s not your fault. We’re both busy.”

Jungkook returned the smile and tapped away at his keyboard. “So, what kind of bullshit was Sehun saying this time?” Jungkook turned his body and captured the sight of Sehun finally leaving the coffee shop.

You blew out a breath of air not wanting to remember the frustrating conversation you had with Sehun. Since it was about your relationship, Jungkook had to know.

You explained to him that the cheerleaders stirred up the idea of Jungkook using you to get over Chaeyoung. It was pretty obvious that Chaeyoung was the starting point of that piece of information. He reacted just as you did, irritation seeping out of every pore. You then added the part where Sehun mentioned that Jungkook probably still loved Chaeyoung.

“Geez…” Jungkook hissed. “With the way she’s behaving, it’s making me feel more relieved that I broke it off with her. Even if we’re not together anymore, she’s still possessive.”

“Sorry you’re going through this.”

“I’m sorry to rope you in this.”

You both snickered, understanding that this was the grave that the two of you had dug and had no other choice but to lie in it.

“I think we should get back to our usual routine.” Jungkook suggested.

Your routine with Jungkook consisted of him picking you up from your house at around 7:15 to go to school together. Jungkook would then take you to your first period and hang out with you outside of the classroom until the first bell would ring. Lunchtime was usually spent with him, his friends, and Jennie, then third period, fourth, and the school day would be over. If you had matters to attend to after school, Jungkook would wait on campus or sit in his car until you were finished and then he would take you home. This routine was put on hold due to both of your busy schedules.

“I think you’re right. Maybe we’re starting to look more like friends than a couple these days.” You lightly chuckled and quickly skimmed through one page of Jungkook’s report. “And I also think the semi colon belongs here.”

“Where?!” He scrambled around to look where you were looking.

“Somewhere—here.” You took one of your red pens and circled the same paragraph he sent you.

Just as you playfully hit him with his papers, Jungkook grabbed your red pen and drew jagged semicolons all over your hand as you struggled to free yourself. In that moment, you felt at ease knowing things were going to go back as normal as possible.

↠↞

“The two of you look disgustingly happy today. I feel like vomiting.” Jennie shuddered and opened her bag of chips.

You turned your gaze over to the lunch line where Jungkook and Jimin were standing. Jimin was shaking Jungkook by the collar, probably begging Jungkook to accompany him to the mall tomorrow; you remembered Jungkook sighing about it at the coffee shop. 

Jennie was right and you refused to vocalize it. When you walked out your front door in the morning and found Jungkook leaning against his car, waiting for you, your heart thumped inside of your chest. He acted like he normally did, teasing you about the dust of sleep that was still settled in your eyes. 

There was a moment in time where you realized that the routine you had with Jungkook was now the norm and you were experiencing that same feeling all over again. It made you feel giddy, almost like a kid waking up on Christmas morning.

“I think you’re imagining it.” You dismissed the topic and pierced your juicebox with a straw.

“And I think I know you too well.” Jennie smirked and stole the first sip of your juice.

Well, she wasn’t wrong.

Third period physically suffocated you.

Your teacher had given the last half of class time to work on the history project and Jungkook sat a lot closer to you than normal. The entire class—pretty much the whole school—knew that you two were a couple, but the cheerleaders in your class constantly shot icy glares at you.

For an entire week, there was some distance between you and Jungkook and the constant stares from any of the cheerleaders began to subside until now. With the way Jungkook was acting, you knew it had to do with your “looking more like friends than a couple” comment from yesterday. Pulling off a couple’s aura was obviously a good thing, but shaking off the glares of Chaeyoung’s posse always proved rather difficult.

“Hey. Could you, I don’t know, maybe scoot over just a teensy bit?” You whispered.

Jungkook looked towards the cheerleaders who quickly turned away and then did the exact opposite of what you requested. 

To sit even closer to you, he pushed his desk aside and grabbed one of the vacant chairs that sat on the outskirts of the classroom. He sat close enough to the point where both your knee and shoulder bumped against Jungkook’s own.

“I like this a bit better.” He chuckled.

Li-Like?!

You retreated further into your seat but this only prompted Jungkook to only get closer.

“Jungkook, I understand that y/n is your girlfriend, but can you please keep the flirting outside of my classroom?” Your history teacher called out from his desk.

“Sorry, teach! Couldn’t help it.” Jungkook replied with ease.

A few of the students snickered and you easily recognized Jennie’s.

“That was fun.” He whispered.

“You’re impossible!” You harshly whispered back, face flushed with embarrassment.

After that, the rest of the school day seemed to have passed by in a blur.

You had a math team meeting after school to prepare for the competition and you tried to convince Jungkook to head home so he could rest before his training, but he refused.

“It’s fine. I have my duffle bag in my trunk, so I can just drop you off home and head off to practice.” Jungkook patted the top of your head.

The two of you stood outside of the practice room and you greeted your teammates as they walked in.

“B-But, aren’t you tired? I don’t know what time I’ll finish.”

You noticed that Jungkook’s eyes were focused inside the classroom before he leaned down and gently tugged at your face towards him. There was a short moment of panic inside of you thinking that he was going to kiss you in front of your teammates.

The first and only time he kissed you was the first day your fake relationship was established and kissing you now, when you definitely weren’t ready, was too much.

“Jung—” you croaked and screwed your eyes shut.

Instead of a kiss, he bumped his forehead against yours and lightly brushed the tip of your nose with his own. He probably did this to create the illusion of you two kissing and you were confused, he never did this before.

“I’ll take a nap in my car. Just call me when you’re done so I get a heads up.” Jungkook took a quick step back before enveloping you in a hug. “Work hard. I’ll see you later.”

He left shortly after the hug, leaving you in a daze. Chanyeol had to go out and collect you because you were too shocked to move.

Did that happen just now?

↠↞

“Okay, this meeting is adjourned until next week Monday. Tomorrow is Friday, so I think we all take a break so that your weekend can start much earlier.” Chanyeol announced.

The math team cheered as if they just won the lottery. Your brain had been overcooked with math problems for the entire week and you couldn’t wait to finally relax after school.

While you were packing your bag, you scrolled through the text messages you received during the meeting.

[4:02] momomom: Thai for dinner tonight? Text me your order! I finish at 7 tonight xo

Yes! Chicken pad thai, my body is ready!

[3:40] jenniekim: Lmk if youre free after school tmrw

[3:40] jenniekim: The mall awaits us!

[3:41] jenniekim: And that outfit I showed u before also awaits u!!!!!!

You smiled to yourself.

Sigh, Jennie. You’re not going to let it go, huh?

The next cluster of messages were from Jungkook who also attached a bunch of pictures to the texts. Majority of the pictures were of the sky, his feet on the dashboard, the ceiling of his car along with his face from the eyes up, and his empty passenger seat.

[2:52] jungkookie♡: It’s the perfect day for a nap

[3:05] jungkookie♡: Okay I’m going to nap forreal this time

[3:26] jungkookie♡: Nvm turns out

[3:26] jungkookie♡: I cant sleeeeeep

He’s gonna regret not napping later.

[3:47] jungkookie♡: When youre done gotta show u a youtube vid lol funny af

[3:56] jungkookie♡: Dont forget to call me when youre on your way

“This kid.” you mumbled to yourself.

“Good work today, y/n.” Chanyeol’s voice startled you. “Oh, s-sorry!”

You brushed it off with a laugh and slipped on your backpack.

“It’s fine, Chan. I’ll see you on Monday!”

“Wa-Wait, y/n! This isn’t homework or anything, but I compiled some problems and formulas that you can study and practice with to help prepare you for the final part of the competition.” Chanyeol held out a thin packet.

You smile softly at him. “Thank you so much! I really appreciate this, Chan. I owe you one.”

Chanyeol opened his mouth and a squeak of some sort of syllable left his lips, but he shook his head. “You’re welcome. I’ll see you, y/n.”

He turned his back to you to clean up the classroom and you raised an eyebrow.

Weird.

You didn’t want to dwell on the moment any second longer. It was still a bit awkward around Chanyeol, especially because Jennie always made side comments whenever they would run into him in the hallways.

Since the meeting ended earlier than you expected, this gave Jungkook a bit more time to rest after taking you home. Knowing that he would have the time to relax made you feel satisfied. The quicker you arrived at his car, the quicker he could nap.

“Tsk. He told me to call and yet he’s not answering.” You mumbled to yourself as you picked up your pace in your steps.

Jungkook parked near the second entrance in the student parking lot and you took a shortcut behind the locker rooms and the football field to get there faster.

The sun beat down on you, but the autumn air made it much easier to bear. You noticed it on the way to school, but the weather seemed more beautiful than normal.

“—fuck did you say?!”

You didn’t realize how deep in thought you were until you heard a voice dripping in anger coming up near the boys locker room. The voice was recognizable, but you refused to believe it until you saw the owner with your own eyes.

You ran, almost tripping over your own feet as you turned the corner and found Jungkook in an altercation with none other than Sehun.

Jungkook had the collar of Sehun’s shirt balled up in his fists with Sehun’s back pressed against the wire fence. Your feet felt glued to the ground, but you knew you had to do something before things got out of hand.

“Jeon Jungkook!” Your voice pierced through the air and the two boys whipped their heads to find you trudging towards them.

You ripped Jungkook away from Sehun, dropping your phone to hold his wrists in your hands.

“What the hell are you two doing?!” You first looked to Jungkook for an answer, but his eyes weren’t meeting yours. So, you turned to Sehun and he was reacting the same way.

“Hello?!” You questioned loudly.

“We were just—” Sehun began.

“Talking. Just talking.” Jungkook completed the sentence still avoiding your eyes.

You screwed your eyes shut, blood boiling with anger.

“I’m gonna take a stab in the dark here, but since my ex boyfriend and current boyfriend were in that situation, I’m going to assume that you two were talking about me?” Neither of the boys answered you and you sighed roughly. “I’m going to take the silence as a yes.”

It had only been a day and here was Jungkook and Sehun, once again, sharing the same breathing space. Not only that, the scene you stumbled upon would have probably turned violent if you arrived a minute later.

“Oh Sehun, Jeon Jungkook, you two realize that you both are student athletes, right?” Neither of them dared to look at you. “If a teacher walked in instead of me, who knows what would’ve happened! Sehun, coach would have probably kicked you off the team and you have a match at the end of this month, Jungkook. Your coach probably wouldn’t let you compete!”

You felt as if you were scolding two kindergarteners who refused to share a toy. Unlike an elementary school teacher, you didn’t make them hug and apologize. Instead, you gave Jungkook a light push to keep them at distance. You scooped up your phone and tightened your hand around Jungkook’s.

“I don’t ever want to see the two of you making any sort of contact again and I mean it.” You threatened. “Let’s go, Jungkook. You have practice.”

You couldn’t be bothered to check on Sehun. If you showed an ounce of concern, Jungkook’s mood would probably worsen. So, the two of you marched to his car in a heavy silence.

“I’ll drive. You can cool off in the passenger seat.” You stuck your hand out for the keys, but Jungkook beat you to it and held open the passenger side door for you to get in.

“It’s fine. I’ll cool off at practice.” Jungkook said plainly.

It was weird. You were pissed off about how he would have got into a fight and if you could, you would much rather not talk to him at the moment. But you never saw Jungkook this angry before and it terrified you.

He was always so easy going; anger never seemed to be a part of his vocabulary. It made you wonder what the hell were those two idiots specifically talking about. You made an inference that the topic was you; it seemed to be the likely candidate because they were never friends to begin with. The only thing they had in common was having a relationship with you.

Maybe they talked about what Mina and Jeongyeon said?

The car ride was deafening and what made it even worse was that Jungkook had the air conditioning on and no music playing. You could feel a streak of cold sweat fall at the back of your neck.

Something. I have to say something!

“I—I understand that we’re pretending to be a couple, but you really didn’t have to take it that far.” You blurted out. “You’ve been training hard for this fight, you can’t risk it because of me, you know.”

While you spoke, it took a lot of courage for you to take a peek at Jungkook. You could see his jaw clench and his eyes remained focused on the road. His left hand held the steering wheel and his right hand gripped tightly around the gear shift.

You sighed. Ugh, no. I’m just making him feel even worse.

You almost made yourself dizzy by thinking about what to say to Jungkook. In your eyes, you didn’t seem to do anything wrong back at the school but at the moment, you were nagging at him. The last thing you wanted was for Jungkook to be angry or upset with you.

The suffocating atmosphere wasn’t getting any better. Before slumping lower into the seat, you noticed how tight Jungkook was holding the gear shift. His knuckles ghosted white from how hard he was squeezing the handle.

This made you nervous. What if Jungkook continued to stay angry and ended up hurting himself during practice from trying to “cool off”? What if he couldn’t compete?

No. No. I need to do something. Ah—um—

With trembling fingers, you reached out and peeled Jungkook’s hand off the shift. His entire arm flinched as you gently interlaced your fingers between his own and rested your held hands in your lap.

“If Sehun said something bad about me that made you angry, thank you for defending me. But I don’t want you using violence to solve anything.” Your voice was much softer and much more composed this time. “I don’t want you getting hurt because I’m going to start worrying and I can get pretty annoying when I start worrying!”

You looked over at Jungkook whose facial expression still hasn’t changed.

“Jungkook.” You sighed. “Please don’t be angry.”

Just when you thought things were going to take another wrong turn because you couldn’t stop spewing nonsense, you felt Jungkook’s hand relax in yours. He still kept his eyes on the road, but he used his thumb to gently graze your skin as you held on. Before you could ruin the mood by running your mouth, you smiled to yourself thinking you succeeded in making him relax. You used your free hand to softly draw mindless patterns on the back of his hand.

Not another word was said, but the heavy fog in the car seemed to have been lifted.

Before you knew it, Jungkook was pulling up to the curb in front of your house. You were still holding hands with him, so he had no way of putting the car in park. But he didn’t move an inch to do so.

“Jungkook?” You called out, but there was no reaction. “Jeon Jungkook!” This time, you shook your hand and it woke him up out of his daze.

“Huh?”

“I’m home.”

“O—Oh! Sorry.” He retracted his hand back and finally put his car in park. 

“It’s fine.” You snickered. “Um, get some rest okay? Don’t get hurt during practice.”

You shuffled around and gathered your things to exit as quickly as possible.

“Y—Y/n..!” Jungkook tugged at your sleeve just before you could open the door. “Uh, I—I—I’ll...do my best tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The crack in his voice startled you. It wasn’t like Jungkook to sound or look this flustered. It was quite the sight to see, but you were getting nervous all over again.

“Yeah. Drive safe.” You replied and finally made your escape. You wanted to run into your house right away, but your compulsion to turn back around weighed heavier. So, when you reached your front door, you did just that.

You saw Jungkook already looking at you, so you waved. For the first time since he dropped you off at your math team meeting, he smiled at you. He then waved back and drove out of your street.

It seemed to take forever to get your front door open and once you did, you plopped yourself down on your couch. You shut your eyes and your head spun as you looked back on the events that took place.

The angered expression Jungkook had when he was with Sehun continued to pop into your head. As well as the way Jungkook held your hand and affectionately grazed your skin with his thumb.

Your cheeks flared up.

Geez, what a day.

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♡ rae jagi

[mfbakuhoe]

💕confession

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Levi x female!reader (ethnic or not lol)

summary: Team Levi, including Y/N and Ymir, visits Queen Historia Reiss in the inner wall Sina. While the three best friends Y/N, Ymir and Historia have a private chat, Y/N confesses her feelings towards the Captain to her friends.

warnings: angst! swearing

A/N: It’s not really a AU but Ymir wasn’t in team Levi so idk🙈 This is my first attempt on a fanfiction imagine thingy. Also english is not my first language so please don’t be too harsh on me. I’m always open for constructive criticism!

Enjoy!

_____

,,Gosh, Y/N! You don’t know how excited I am to see the three of us back together!”, Ymir flutet happily with her hands on the back of her head as the Levi squad walked down the long corridor into the palast.

,,You might be, but you’re never as excited as I am, slow ass snail”, Y/N smirked, walking faster than the rest off the squad almost running. She was way to excited to see her best friend after 2 months, for her to exhibit correct behavior inside of these noble walls. She didn’t care if she was going to get kicked out by the military police, as if they were going to do something anyway. She also didn’t care about the weird looks she might receive from the council members. All Y/N cared about at the moment was to see her soul sister Historia.

,,You really want to challenge me, huh? Just wait!”, Ymir responded running after Y/N.

,,Girls slow your roll, please! And watch out for the peop- whatever”, Mike sighed as he realized the two friends couldn’t care less and kept the race going.

Mike was leading the the Levi squad to the palace, since Captain Levi and Historia had to meet up earlier along with Commander Erwin and section Commander Hanji.

Since Levi wasn’t around, Y/N didn’t feel uncomfortable or scared to embarrass herself in front of him, due to her feelings that she couldn’t resist. This was one of the main reasons why Y/N needed her and her friends together, so she could pour her heart out to them. She was at the edge through many occurrences in her past, Levi adding salt to her emotional chaos didn’t make things easier for her.

,,FIRST! I WON!”, Y/N yelled as she pushed open big doors and bursted into the giant throne room. Without noticing a thing, Y/N leaped for joy and cheered for herself.

,,I TOLD YOU YMIR, you don’t have a chance...“ as she observed her surroundings, Y/N quickly went silent. As she scanned the room, she noticed her superiors and the council members staring at her suprised. She rested her eyes on the raven black haired man, leaning against a wall with crossed arms, focused on her with a monotone undefinable facial expression.

Y/N couldn’t dare to look into his eyes, for more than one second. Embarrassed, she dropped her head with a nice view on the floor while she felt heat rising up to her cheeks. If it wasn’t for her being so tan, she would’ve definitely been as red as a tomato. Thanks to her unknown ethnic background she was able keep her regular skin complexion.

Why did they held up the meeting in the throne room? Didn’t they say they wanted to keept it private? Then why not going into a separate room, so could wait in here and surprise Historia as soon as she comes in. Awesome now I embarrassed myself in front of Levi, in the very first second we saw each other.

It was silent for a second or two, but soon the silence was broken by a sweet voice filling the room.

,,Ymir? Y/N?“

Y/N head shot in the air, facing the direction of where the familiar voice came from.

,,Historia!“, Ymir said from the back as she run up to the small blonde girl with a heavy looking crown on her head and a, long expensive looking red gown. Laughing, she slung her arms around her and lifted her up.

,,Storia!“, Y/N shouted smiling as she followed Ymir, ignoring the event from earlier.

A few seconds later her soldier friends joined the reencounter, greeting and hugging her as well.

________

,,I missed you so much! We have a lot to talk about, don’t we?“, Y/N started as she followed Historia to her room. The three decided to retract themselves from the others, just to catch up with each other again.

The room was ginormous. It seemed like there was enough room for the colossal titan.

,,Yeah we do, live as a queen is not as easy as it sounds“, Historia sighed while she took of her crown.

,,So fucking awesome!“, Ymir marveled and threw her slim body on the big bed next to the window. ,,So much more comfortable than the peaces of wood we have to sleep on. Let me move in with you Historia!“

,,I wish you guys could. Honestly. Live would definitely be more easy. Sometimes I really wish I could rewind the time, just to feel the annoyance due to Levi’s strictness. Or eat together with the Levi squad and watch Jean and Eren fight till Levi comes and knocks them out!“ Dreamy, Historia sat down on her bed next to Ymir who smiled and went along with her imagination.

,,Right! That was our first real encounter with Y/N. You remember? When Levi told her to clean up the horse stalls by herself, just because she backed us up and almost fought him, after we had taken the horses the night before without permission. And when we made fun about that short ass kicking two butts within 5 seconds!“, she reminisced.

A light smirk crept on Y/N’s face. She let her body slide down the bed scaffold and looked at her palms.

Yeah, there wouldn’t be the same bond between Historia, Ymir and me without Levi, right? Ugh, what is this man doing to me?

,,Y/N...are you alright? The whole past 2 weeks you seemed to zone out from time to time.“ There it was. Ymir’s worried voice. Once she put that on, you couldn’t tell her one lie and get away with it.

It wasn’t even worth trying so Y/N decided to just spit out what was on her mind the whole time.

,,I think I’m catching feelings.”

Silence. Silence of confusion.

,,What?“, Ymir asked unbeliving. Y/N calmly sat up and placed herself on the bed. She crossed her legs snd nervously played with her fingers.

,,You know you can tell us anything, right?”, Historia said in a soothing voice and placed her hand on Y/N’s knee. She let out a shaky breath, swiping a strand of hair behind her ear.

,,Of course I know! But I don’t know how.”, the tan girl muttered, drawing circles on the inside of her thick thigh.

,,Well, would you like to tell us, who you think you’re catching feelings for?“, Ymir digged deeper slightly impatient.

,,It’s Levi, isn’t it?“, the blue eyes perfection darted directly in the middle. Surprised Y/N gasped, sending a shocked look her way. She dropped her head staring at her lap, ashamed of hearing the truth spoken out loud.

,,Storia, we don’t have time for jokes now! Y/N obviously dislikes this 5 foot headass as much as he hates dust. That doesn’t make any sense. Am I right, Y/N?”, Ymir said amused, thinking Historia would be goofing around but as you kept silent, she soon realized that it wasn’t just a bad joke.

,,Wait what? Sorry sorry sorry, that’s just too funny!“, Ymir said bursting in laughter. She was rolling from side to side, curling up and holding her stomach.

,,No it’s not! Stop laughing and take her serious, Ymir!“, Historia hissed, sending a, rather cute than dangerous, death glare at the red freckles face.

,,Whew, I‘m really sorry, but how comes that a 5‘7 badass goddess like you likes a barely 5’3 Dwarf-Lookalike cleaning fairy?“, she managed to press out out of breath, wiping away a tear.

,,I‘ve seen the way you looked at him when we ate together. Or how you tried to be on your best behavior, whenever he came around, by keeping your goofiness down or being extra diligent. You stopped arguing with him, also tried to actively avoid eye contact with him, like you did earlier today. This is everything I noticed a few days, before I had to leave. I wanted to ask you before, if everything was alright between you and him but time went by so fast , I couldn’t get around to ask you“, Historia explained, ignoring Ymir‘s insensitive remark. Mesmerized Y/N and Ymir followed how she spoke.

,,It all started when they read the list of family and friends, who died while the Titan attack...”, Y/N began.

Flashback

3:23 in the morning. The mood was down. It was silent but the air was tensed. Y/N and her mates were aware, about what was going to happen next.

,,As soldiers and humans, we don’t only have to fight against Titans, we also have to fight against the grief and negativity, which catches us whenever we lose a strong soldier, friend and family.”, Erwin began his speech, making several heads drop.

,,As well as the last time, we lost parts our society, parts of humanity. But don’t forget, whoever of your loved ones left his life, is going to live inside of you” he continued. Then Mike switched places with Erwin and unrolled a sheet of paper.

The list.

Shaky Y/N closed her eyes, pressing the little charm she got from her adoptive parents, around her neck on her lips.

,,Please be alive, please be alive, please be ali-“, she thought as she almost went unconscious.

,,Greta Y/L/N, Manu Y/L/N...”

Like she got kicked in her stomach, Y/N ripped her eyes wide open and gasped for air. This couldn’t be true. No, it just couldn’t be! Uneasy she tried to grab hold to something as her she felt dizzy.

,,NO!” A painful long scream filled the room. A muffled voice tried to dig into her head telling her everything is going to be alright. It was Ymir, who tried to calm her friend dowm. Y/N felt arms snugging around her but she refused.

,,NO STOP DON’T TOUCH ME! DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME!”, she yelled again trying to escape that human puddle.

She looked around for a way out of there but only met pity full looks. Pushing herself through the crowd, Y/N reached the door out of that stuffy room on to the castle yard.

She kicked against trees and broke the door to the horse stalls, scaring the horses. Suddenly a strong force grabbed her by the arm, turned her around and pushed her against the castle wall.

,,Calm the fuck down, brat. Stop causing such a scene!“ a deep husky voice grunted demanding, but Y/N didn’t care. She was too mad and sad, too hurt and upset to calm down. There were so many emotions in her body she couldn’t arrange.

,,Don’t touch me! Get the fuck off me asshole! Leave me alone!“

,,I’m warning you”, Levi muttered throaty as he fixed her wrists on the top of her head.

His grey eyes pierced through Y/N’ soul. His eyes looked so beautiful, glistening due to the moonshine. Just like grey-blueish diamonds.

Y/N body lost tense as she broke down directly into the arms of her Captain. She sunk to her knees, sobbing into Levi‘s chest as he joined her on the floor.

,,You are a human with emotions, problems and obstacles. It’s okay to ask for help when needed. Don’t even think about pushing me away, Idiot. I‘m not one of you soft friends”, Levi mumbled against the wind in a stern monotone voice. But there was a difference this time. There was a slight sound of empathy. His semi tight arms around her, made her feel safe in this oh so cruel world.

,,Why is everybody leaving me? My biological parents left me on a random doorstep, my first real friend Mina Carolina. My adoptive parents just fucking died! What did I do to deserve this? All my loved ones leave me. I am alone in this fucked up world. Maybe I should end it here”, she weeped bitterly, the pain not to misshear.

,,Listen, Brat.” Levi gently grabbed Y/N upper arms and pushed her away from his torso so he could look at her beautiful, angelic face. Rubbing her red swollen eyes with the back of her hand, Y/N tried her best to control her sobs

,,I won’t pity you. But I will tell you that it’s only going to be better, if want it to be better. Self pity is not going to bring them back. All you can do is to live. Live for them and don’t you dare thinking about giving up ever again, idiot.”

,,But for now. Cry. Cry as much as you need to. Damming your pain is just going to increase your anger and self-hate. Let it all out. Don‘t forget. You’re a human. I’m here for you .I‘m not so quick to kill. Don’t forget that, Brat“, Levi said with the most monotonous voice Y/N heard him ever talk in but she knew he was just like that to keep some kind of distance.

Y/N giggled.

Never in her life, Y/N thought the person, who would understand her so well, give her the feeling of comfort and strength would be the person, who she thought she couldn’t get along with, argued the most and almost fought with. That short raven black haired man with the tough untouchable attitude, humanity’s strongest soldier was indeed humanity’s most valuable soldier.

Since that day, Levi regularly looked after Y/N, took care of her here and there and focused on her even more than before. He felt the need to protect her. To be there for her, without pushing her too much. Levi felt too invested in Y/N but she soon pushed him away, scared to catch feelings for him. All though before Y/N could loosen herself from her Captain, she already fell for him.

_____

,,I’m sorry that we failed as friends, Y/N“, Historia mumbled regretting while Ymir nodded.

,,You didn’t fail guys. I‘m happy that I told you”, Y/N sighed, sharing a weak smile. ,,Have you ever felt some kind of connection so strong, but you couldn’t tell if it was love or just being thankful? You want to get to know the person better, but you’re scared they don’t feel the same way about you as you feel about them? And as soon as you confess everything, they’re gone and you stand there heartbroken. I rather keep a distance relationship then a broken heart.“

,, I know exactly what it feels like Y/N“, Ymir began. ,,You want to be the reason for them to be happy and smile but you don’t want to take it so far, where you have to be scared of rejection. That’s when build that wall to protect ourselves. But you knows what I think you should do? I think you should tell him how yo feel about him. It’s the best you can do unless you want to suffer from the pain of never trying to get what you desire. Tell him beforeit is too late.”, Ymir mumbled sadly, eyeing Historia from the side, who was focused on Y/N.

,,Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should try it as soon as we go back today.“ Y/N said determined. ,,Thank you guys, I knew I needed to hab a talk with my best friends to arrange my thoughts.“

,,You know we love you and just want the best for you!“, Ymir smiled pinching her cheek.

,,Ow, stop that, dumbass!“, Y/N complained slapping her hand away.

,, Naw, c‘mere and let mommy give you a kiss!“, Ymir insisted.

,,I want a hug!“, Historia shouted happily as she threw herself on Y/N.

Laughing and giggling the girls forgot about humanity’s fate for a second and living just like normal girls.

In the back of her head Y/N knew she had to confess everything to her crush to have things straightened out with herself.

But little did she know, he was listening outside of the room the whole time.

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

maybe a dumb q but is it uncommon to not relate to any grip/loop behaviour patterns? I for sure must have been in a loop/grip at some point in my life, but i just dont think i relate to just a single particular set of stress behaviours. i read the descriptions and arent they just generally... a bit vague? being irritable, withdrawal from others, self doubt, sleeplessness or oversleeping. how are these related to just one function? arent these things just common traits of a depressive episode? /1

even thinking of the times ive had depression all i did was: self loathe, play pc games, sleep, cook all the damn time even tho i barely ate anything to the point i couldnt fit any more food into my fridge, self isolate, not speak to anyone, despair, overthink, and cry. isnt that mroe or less just... common depressive behaviour? how is anyone suppose to relate that kind of disordered behaviour to any type? sorry if this is stupid btw lol i can be kinda dense /2

-----------------------------------------

Hi anon,

I don’t know if it’s common or not but I’m pretty sure it’s more normal to feel this way than not to feel this way, and here’s why.

You actually might not have ever been in a grip or loop in your life! There was a good shitpost a while ago which was like “remember how you once thought you were so twisted and unredeemable and it turned out you were just like, 15” and I think that the “I am damaged, I am unhealthy, I have undergone such trauma” mindset gets really unhealthily amplified on Tumblr and in typology circles, and it’s one that should get shut down far more than it does, and while that’s a whole other post, the summary is lots of people are like “I think I’m TERRIBLY UNHEALTHY and I’ve been looping for YEARS” and 99.9% of the time either they have a very standard and reasonably treatable mental illness, they are mistyped and so their standards for what healthy looks like are wildly incorrect for who they actually are, or they’re just like, cranky and melodramatic and need to take a nap.

It’s also of course entirely possible you have been in a grip or loop if you were, chances are your mind was on something else and your memories of that time are not going to be Ah yes, I recall when my tertiary function’s impulses were used to validate the worst impulses of my dominant function which then reinforced those tertiary function behaviors; they’re going to be “I remember when I was going through some really bad times.”

I don’t know which descriptions you read because the ones I have linked aren’t quite that vague, but things like irritability, withdrawal, self-doubt, and sleeplessness are indeed pretty universal stress behaviors (and this includes acute stress that falls short of mental illness - like, a breakup or finals week can lead to this sort of behavior). They can’t and shouldn’t be linked to any specific type.

Which brings me to my point, which is I think I have, at least for the past couple years, been increasingly clear in that I think typing off of stress behaviors is an unequivocally bad idea. It’s bad because a lot of stress behaviors are widespread symptoms of either normal levels of stress or various mental illnesses (ie, you are 100% justified in asking how one could possibly relate the general behaviors you describe to a type). It’s bad because it pushes you to focus on yourself at your worst instead of at your normal baseline functioning, which absolutely, in my opinion, is going to perpetuate that edgy I Am Damaged mentality for people who are completely average in terms of health, and make it easier for people who actually are dealing with mental illness to think it’s just who they are instead of a treatable situation that can be improved. It’s bad because people are the least likely to be able to consider themselves objectively and calmly in those moments, and neurologically, it’s actively hard to remember things when you’re depressed, stressed, or grieving - like, if you are clinically depressed for a couple of months, you will not form new memories of that time in the same way you normally would! So typing off of stress basically is like ‘hey take this thing about which you have little in the way of valid information and which makes you feel bad about yourself and hyperfixate on this only and use it to consider something that’s supposed to be a model of your personality at large’. It is such a bad idea and I have theories as to why it caught on but it doesn’t matter because it just needs to stop.

This isn’t to say looping and gripping aren’t worth considering, but if you read Was That Really Me, the text that defined gripping, there are some worthwhile takeaways. First: this book is the observations of an external party (the psychologist who wrote it), not the observations of people actually living it. Second, while there’s some advice on what to do, it’s from the perspective of that therapist, a person who has been explicitly brought in by those people experiencing stressors to help.

I don’t think the intent of introducing the concept of gripping was to help people type themselves or avoid the step of seeking some kind of help during a period of stress, but rather to provide some explanations for patterns of behavior, perhaps indicate some warning signs, and show how psychologists who use MBTI apply it.

More generally, understanding the loop and grip for your type can help show you the specific thought process behind certain stress behaviors you have as an individual that are not explicitly symptoms of depression or anxiety, but it’s a thing to look at after you already have figured out your type from other means, and it’s a potential pitfall, not a thing that you’ve necessarily experienced.

[badchoicesposts]

Don’t Dream It’s Over Chapter 2

Summary: Liam and Ali thought that their relationship was perfect, but their whole world came crashing down when Constantine called him back to Cordonia. Four years later they meet again at Liam’s bachelor party, determined to make things between them work even if it isn’t always easy. 

In this AU, Liam and MC (Ali Moonessar) dated for a year in New York while Leo was still crown prince. They broke up when Constantine asked Liam to come back to Cordonia, but they meet again at Liam’s bachelor party before the social season. The story will contain flashbacks, which will be italicized, of their relationship and follow them as they try to navigate the season with Ali as a suitor. I’ve messed around with the timeline a bit so that it fits the story better. I’ve also added in a few OCs of my own.

Pairing: Liam x MC (Ali Moonessar)

Word Count: 2,087

Taglist: @flowerpowell, @timmagicktoad

If you would like to be added to the tag list let me know!

A/N: This is my first time ever posting a fic. Please let me know if you enjoyed it and would like to read more. I thrive on validation, lol. Thanks for reading!

Chapter 1

“What’s wrong, babe,” Ali asked, letting herself into Liam and Drake’s apartment. She already basically lived there, but they had never made anything official in attempts to respect that it was Drake’s space as well.

Liam had sent her a very cryptic text saying that he needed to talk to her about something important, and when she entered the apartment he was sitting on a stool in the kitchen. His phone was clenched tightly in his hands, eyebrows furrowed as he looked down at it. He relaxed at the sound of her voice, but immediately tensed up again when he finally looked at her. 

“It’s Leo,” he sighed, getting up and pulling her into his arms. 

Ali rested her hands on his chest and looked up at him with concern in her eyes.

“Is he okay?” she asked, worriedly. 

“He’s great. He’s off God knows where, doing God knows what,” Liam said, frustration lacing his words. 

Ali knew that Liam loved his older brother. He truly did. It was very obvious, especially when he told her stories of their childhood. But, at the same time she also knew how much stress he caused everyone in the royal family. Liam, his father Constantine, and his stepmother Regina all worried about Leo taking the throne. Even though he was crown prince, he spent as much time as he could away from Cordonia. He was naturally an adventurous person and didn’t like to settle down. This usually led to him being away for extended periods of time and shirking off his responsibilities. These responsibilities in turn usually fell upon Liam’s shoulders. There had even been murmurs of him abdicating the throne, but as far as she knew they were just rumors.

Ali reached up and ran her fingers against the strip of skin between Liam’s eyebrows, his forehead immediately relaxing. He smiled down at her sadly and grabbed her hand in his own, bringing it down to his lips and kissing her knuckles gently. 

“It’s bad this time, my love. My father wants me to return home.”

“For how long,” Ali asked, her body stiffening at his words. 

“Indefinitely,” he said, softly. 

Ali felt as if all the wind had been knocked out of her. The moment she had been fearing since learning of Liam’s royal heritage was finally here. She wanted to scold herself for getting so attached, but instead she just felt numb. 

“When do you leave?” her voice was barely above a whisper. 

“Two weeks.”

“What about us?” she breathed out. 

Liam remained silent, refusing to say the words out loud. Refusing to confirm the end.

Ali groaned when she opened her eyes. Bright sunlight was filtering through the windows and making her already pounding headache even worse. Her mouth was drier than it had ever been, and there was something warm pressed directly against the bare skin of her back. She attempted to roll over and was immediately jolted out of her half conscious state when a large, muscular arm wrapped tighter around her waist. Her eyes widened as she took in Liam’s sleeping form beside her. His usually perfectly styled hair was ruffled against his pillow, and as he slept, he unconsciously pulled her body closer to his. The night before was a blur, but as her body lay stiffly in his arms, certain events came flashing back. 

After some convincing, she had finally decided to sit down with the guys at their table before realizing that it was her responsibility to close up the bar for the night. Leo, who was not keen on letting her leave, had insisted that she come back to their hotel with them so they could all continue to get to know each other. Ali had gone against every sensible bone in her body and agreed. She had taken shots, way too many shots, which was evident by the terrible hangover she was currently experiencing, and she had found herself alone with Liam sometime after all of the other guys had retired to their own beds.

She remembered him holding her, and telling her how much he had missed her, how he had never stopped loving her. She remembered him kissing her, and she remembered how his hands had moved over her body, rediscovering the skin he once knew so well. She remembered how happy she had felt being in his arms again. 

Now in the harsh light of day, she knew she had made a mistake. She had moved on from him. He was her first love, her first everything, and it had taken months, but she had finally moved on from him. She had grown in the last four years, and now she was a different person. Being with him last night would only ruin all the progress she had made. 

Liam’s hold on her was strong. She remembered the first time they had slept next to each other. He had always been a cuddly sleeper, while she had always suffered from insomnia and hated being touched when she was trying to fall asleep. It had taken her weeks to finally admit to him that she didn’t like it, and even though he actively tried to respect her wishes, at some point in the night his sleeping form would still pull her closer to him. After a few months together, she finally got used to the feeling of him pressed against her and loved it, now needing his touch to lull her to sleep. The nights after he left had been rough. She would lie awake at night, desperate to fall asleep. It had taken months and the assistance of sleeping medication for her to finally start getting a good night’s rest again. 

Looking at him now, Ali wanted nothing more than to cuddle herself into his side and go back to sleep. But, she knew that doing so would only lead to more heartache and an awkward goodbye when they both eventually awoke together. So, she did the only thing she could think of. She eased herself out of his embrace slowly, placing the pillow that she had been resting on in his arms instead. Her body rejected her movements as she attempted to stand upright. The terrible aching in her back from overworking herself the day before only barely overshadowed the terrible aching in her head from over drinking the night before. She took a moment to curse Maxwell Beaumont for giving her so much liquor. 

However, she didn’t stop for too long because she knew that Liam had always been a light sleeper. She probably had a little more time before he woke up than she usually would because of how much he had drank the previous night, but she didn’t want to push it. She felt around for her glasses on the bedside table, gathered her clothes, and dressed quickly before making her way to the door. She had made it halfway down the hallway and truly believed she was finally out of the woods when she ran headfirst into Maxwell. He still seemed hyper and upbeat even though he had probably drank more than everyone else last night. 

“Ali! You’re still here!” he said, happily. She cringed at the loudness of his voice and quickly looked over her shoulder to make sure that there was no one behind her. 

“Yeah, it was really nice to meet you last night, but I was just leaving,” she said quickly, wanting to get out of the hotel as fast as possible. She tried to walk past him but was stopped again by his voice.

“Don’t go. You should stay and have breakfast with us! I was just going to get Liam,” he said, a smile on his face.

“Liam’s still asleep, and I really have to get going,” she said. Maxwell’s face fell at her words.

“You didn’t wait for him to wake up? You didn’t say goodbye?” he asked, softly. Ali sighed and looked up at him. 

“I can’t, Maxwell. Not again. Just… just tell him I’m sorry,” she said, before practically running to the elevator. 

Stepping outside was simultaneously the best and worst thing she could have done. While the sun only served as a further irritant to her headache, the chilly New York air felt good against her skin. She took a deep breath of it and built up the courage she needed to walk herself home, deciding that she could finally break down once she was safely tucked away in her own bed. 

However, she had barely made it to the end of the block when she heard a voice calling out her name. She took another breath to steel herself for the conversation she had been trying to avoid having all morning. When she turned, she saw Liam running toward her haphazardly dressed in the clothes he was wearing last night. He was completely barefoot and his shirt was about half unbuttoned, exposing the soft skin of his broad chest. 

“I don’t want you to leave,” he said when he finally caught up with her. As she stared into his eyes she realized that he looked as dejected as she felt. 

“I have to, Li.”

“Please, I can’t lose you again. Stay with me. I-I love you,” he pleaded with her, his voice lowering to a whisper as he confessed his feelings. 

Tears stung her eyes as she tried to find the right words to say.

“You’re getting married, Liam. I can’t stay. You said it yourself. The people expect you to find a wife.” 

“I-I… please.” 

Liam was at a loss for words. “Please” was the only thing he could seem to get out. 

Ali clenched her jaw. Her tears were now streaming freely down her face. 

“No. I can’t stay, Liam. I have to go. I have to go now because when you go back to Cordonia and leave me, again might I add, you get to move on and find a wife and be the king of a country, while I’m stuck here heartbroken and trying to get over you,” she said, her voice rising as she let out her frustrations. 

Liam looked completely taken aback at her outburst. 

“You know, Liam, I was never mad at you for leaving. I was hurt, and I missed you so much everyday, but I never blamed you because I knew that it wasn’t your fault. I knew that at the time you hadn’t planned on leaving. I understood that when everything started getting worse with Leo you were put in a difficult position and that you had responsibilities, so I never once let myself be mad at you. But, now you’re here asking me to stay with you when you know that you have to leave again in what? A day? A week? A month?” she said getting angrier with every word. 

“A week,” he said softly, a guilty look on his face. 

Ali shook her head, letting out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. She had once again calmed down and now she just felt both physically and emotionally exhausted.

“I’m sorry, Liam. But, I have to go,” she mumbled and turned to leave.

Liam caught her arm and pulled her close to him. His lips crashed passionately into hers and she immediately responded. Her body relaxed against him as she rose to stand on the tips of her toes, and her hands moved up behind his neck, so she could run her fingers through the soft hair at the base it. Liam poured all of his feelings into the kiss, desperate to let her know how he was feeling, desperate to hold on to her for as long as he could. Ali reciprocated, and all of their problems seemed to slip away for that moment. 

But, it was over as quickly as it began. They both jolted away from each other when loud, clamoring voices filled their ears. It took Ali a minute to realize what was happening as several camera flashes blinded her. Liam quickly went into protective mode and shielded her body with his as the reporters and members of the press closed in around them, all speaking over each other in attempts to get a statement from the prince. For the second time in the past twenty minutes Ali cursed herself for not being able to control herself when it came to Liam. She knew that there was no way either of them would get away from this without any consequences.