#sorry for being incredibly verbose it will happen again

[steddieficfind]

I was wondering if Andrew and Natalee have any fic rec lists? tysm

While I wanted to stick to strictly fic finding on this blog, it seems like people are interested in what we're reading! So we're gonna do a little mini rec list and maybe some more in the future! You can also check out the #rec event tag for more!

Andrew

You Don't Know This Guy by Anonymous - I'm a sucker for future fics with Tommy Hagan and Steve Harrington meeting again. I also love outside POV fics. This one is under appreciated for SURE.

Tell Yourself You Still Live Here by shanparkervarietyhour - angsty future fic where Steddie finally gets together in the 90s.

Apple Tarts and Tattoo Hearts by trekkiepirate - Another really creative and under appreciated outsider POV!

in lieu of flowers by dannytorrance - ow. I love it so much but OW!!! fics delving into Steve's family always get me man.

i thought good guys get to be happy by DrewWrites - okay this one is mine. This is a shameless plug, but it's probably one of the best things I've written.

natalee

i’ve been working on a big reclist that i hope to post on my personal account soon so i’ll let y’all know when that happens :) for now here’s a few of my favorites!

Pity the Freak by emmy_award — this is my all-time favorite steddie fic and i don’t see anything topping it anytime soon so it probably will be forever. i’m always so surprised i never see anyone else talking about it! i came out of this one Changed. i maxed out the text field with my comment which i didn’t think was realistically even possible. this is a must-read and if me saying this convinces even just one person to read this fic then i’ve won

kissing the beehive by slowmoon — one of my best friends, tiff, wrote this in the summer and fall of 2022. they’re one of the most talented writers i know — it was a huge privilege to work on this with them and i had a really fun time editing it. if you like vampire!eddie this one is right up your alley :-)

keep with me forward by shortcrust — this has been a favorite for a long time — it’s simple and sweet and incredibly well-written. a few of the lines were so moving that i still think about them regularly. beautiful!

Calamity’s Child by glorious_spoon — something i value probably more than anything else in a fic is good jokes and this one’s chock full of ‘em. this is like tears in your eyes level funny. i think about “okay, nancy reagan” basically every single day. i too am a massive fan of outsider POVs and this one captures dustin’s voice perfectly

Three Days on the Red Planet by CaptainHoney — as a lover of the sci-fi genre i’ll read any sci-fi au you throw at me. in this case i am throwing this one at y’all. the concept and the setting for this fic are super interesting and well-executed and i could have read hundreds of thousands of words of this. delicious

He Knows Only Two Stories by teddywesworl — you know those fics where eddie is just like…slightly off? like there’s something weird about him. (think Looks like we’re in for nasty weather by prufrocks or Heal Your Shrinking Soul by how_about_no, or maybe even The Train Fic by novemberthorne) this is one of those and it’s soooo good. i only recently realized i’m very much drawn to There’s Something Wrong With Eddie as a genre but this is the best of ‘em, i’d say. and obviously you can never go wrong with farmer!steve. i’ve never read a fic i didn’t love from this author and this one is no exception!

let us know if you’d like to see more of this sort of thing from us in the future, and happy reading!

[starshine-hockey-girl]

The Invisible String

Summary - Rocky is from Texas, looking to make it big as a tattoo artist in NY. What happens when Rocky meets NY Islanders forward Anthony Beauvillier and two people so unalike discover that they have more in common than they think. Will their invisible string lead to love or friendship?

This is my very late entry to the summer fic exchange. Yes, I am aware that it is the middle of October. The "No results and a story" excuse is that I got a huge case of writer's block followed by an ass-whooping of self doubt. However, I powered through it, and then the story just grew into this massively long piece. (17.2K- yikes)

This is written for @jarmorie who requested a reader insert or OC (she/her preferred). fluff, hurt/comfort, friends to lovers pls I would die with Anthony Beauvillier. Jarmorie is also a big Taylor Swift fan so I tried to incorporate as much Swift content as I could.

Acknowledgements and thank yous-

@laurenairay, I can't thank you enough for pinch hitting for me when I missed the deadline. I am incredibly thankful for your endless encouragement. I hope you enjoy your brief, but pivotal cameo

@cellythefloshie - Thank you for the encouragement and embracing my verbose nature.

@dreamofstarlight and @fallinallincurls for sharing their Swiftie knowledge. I hope that I do that I did Queen Taylor justice.

@wyattjohnston - one for organizing these fic exchanges. It's a tiring and thankless task. Thank you for understanding my struggle and not shaming me.

@jarmorie I am sorry that the story was so delayed. I really wanted to write something that give you everything that you wanted.

@pattiemac1 and @penstxgal1968 for being the best support system ever. Seriously, they both deserve writing credit for all of their ideas.

Gorgeous

Inked On Ice Tattoo Shop -  Long Island, NY

“Inked on Ice, how may I help you?” Daisy yawned as the shop’s computer fired up and she settled into her chair. 

“Uh yeah,” the deep voice on the line answered, “My buddy and I want to get some ink today. Do you have anyone available?” Daisy glanced at the artist's calendars. 

“Well, it’s going to depend on size, subject and budget. What do you have in mind?” she answered quickly. After a brief discussion, Daisy honed in on available artists. “Do you want to do back to back appointments or get inked at the same time?” she asked. 

She could hear a discussion on the other end. The bland voice in a spirited discussion with another voice with a slight French accent. “Barzy,” the second said with authority, “I do not need you to hold my hand while I get a tattoo. We can get inked at the same time.” 

Daisy’s ears perked up at the name Barzy. “Can I get your names?” she asked as casually as possible as New York Islanders Mat Barzal gave his name along with Anthony Beauvillier. The tattoo shop was owned by Cameron Davies, a former New York Islander. Daisy knew that Cameron would want the pair treated with kid gloves. She examined the schedule again and made an executive decision. She would schedule the more complicated tattoo, Anthony, with JD Porter, master tattoo artist, who just had a last minute cancellation. She would schedule the simpler design, Mat Barzal, with Rocky, JD’s apprentice. . 

“So Tito is with JD and I am with Rocky? Sounds good,” the NHL upstart stated as they confirmed details, “See you at 6 PM.”

In the cozy one bedroom apartment, Rocky picked up the phone and quickly read the text from Daisy. “Yes….” Rocky whispered to no one in particular. As a tattoo apprentice, paying customers were difficult to come by. The last minute addition would give her just enough to pay her share of the rent. Given that most of her time at the shop was unpaid, Rocky’s contribution to the rent was more symbolic than practical. Kelly made enough to cover their expenses and then some, but Rocky insisted on contributing, even if it was essentially meaningless.

“Rocky!” Kelly screamed, “Are you even listening to me? We need to leave in fifteen minutes if we are going to be on time.” 

“Of course, I’m listening.” Rocky replied, “Listen- don’t be mad, but I can’t go with you. I gotta to work tonight. I scored a last minute tattoo.”

“An actual tattoo?” Kelly mocked, “or will it be another night of cleaning and wiping up after the professionals?” 

“Ouch,” Rocky replied, “You know that is part of apprenticeship. I have to pay my dues.”

Rocky’s tattoo apprenticeship was a source of contention in their relationship. The couple had moved to Long Island from Dallas as a stepping stone in Kelly’s financial services career. Together since high school, Kelly disapproved of Rocky’s fascination with all things tattoo. The financial analyst with the fast-rising career wanted a partner that would fit into the corporate world. Rocky decidedly did not fit that mold even if Kelly couldn't admit it.  The apprenticeship highlighted their vastly different career paths and their relationship bore small fissures as a result. 

“Listen,” Rocky pleaded in an attempt to head off another fight about the apprenticeship. Kelly was convinced it was going nowhere. “It’s an actual tattoo so I will get paid,” Rocky explained, “Also apparently these two guys are some sort of VIPs. The fact that Daisy and Cameron are giving one of them to me to ink is a good sign. I can’t turn it down.”

Kelly stood in disbelief and tried to summon anger at Rocky and none came. Honestly, it was a relief to put off introducing Rocky to conservative co-workers a little longer. “Fine,” Kelly said bitterly, “I’ll see you when you get home.”

Two hours later at the shop, Rocky waited patiently to the side as JD inspected the set-up of her station tucked away in the smallest room in the shop. As a mentor, JD held Rocky to a high standard. An Apprenticeship endorsed by him would carry weight within the tattoo community and JD wanted Rocky to be prepared. He gave a nod and Rocky let out a sigh of relief. Together they walked out to the lobby. 

Cameron stood talking to the two athletes about his glory days with the Islanders. Rocky could tell right away that both had passed from polite attention to “oh my god, get us out here” by the tone of their voices. After the third “that’s crazy,’ uttered by Barzal, Cameron noticed JD and Rocky standing there. When he waved them over, Barzal and Beauvillier turned to look over their shoulders. Barzal blinked and gulped while Beauvillier offered a shy smile before looking down at the floor. 

Rocky approached Barzal and extended her hand to him, “Hi, I’m Rocky. I think that you are with me tonight.”

“You’re…..You’re….. “ Barzal stammered, “a woman.” Rocky took a step back and dropped her hand in disappointment. JD and Rocky exchanged a glance before Rocky let out a sigh. Usually any pushback she received came from men much older than Barzal so she was honestly a little shocked. Mat looked stunned. “Wait, I am getting tattooed by a woman?” he asked out loud. 

“Is there a problem?” JD asked as he looked Barzal in the eye. 

“Look, I don’t want to sound sexist here, but…..” he started to say, “I just was expecting a man. I am pretty sure the girl who made the appointment said "man.”

“I did not,” Daisy interjected, “I know for a fact I said no such thing.” When Rocky began as the first female tattoo artist in the shop’s history, Cameron and crew did not anticipate the push-back from their largely male clientele. Most guys came in because of the hockey/Islanders connection and well, their views on gender roles were not exactly progressive. The shop had adopted the policy of referring to all of the artists as gender-neutral as possible. Daisy, Cameron’s wife and partner, was especially intentional about it. Other than a few clients shocked to be facing a petite, brunette pixie of an artist, there had been no issues. 

Rocky looked to Cameron and back to Barzal. She knew that Cameron would want to keep Barzal as a client but also did not want to face the wrath of Daisy for caving in. She was about to speak when Tito Beauvillier spoke up. “She can do my tattoo,” he spoke softly at first to everyone’s surprise. Rocky turned to face the blonde and studied his face. He gave a gentle smile and spoke louder, “Yeah, I think I want her to do my tattoo.”

“I have to let you know that she is still in her apprenticeship. Just so that you are aware, she may not be able to give you the tattoo that you want,” JD explained. A pained look flashed in Rocky’s eyes and Tito took notice. Rocky hated the implication that just because she was still in an apprenticeship that she was less talented. She sucked in a deep breath that she hoped went unnoticed. She was mostly successful with the exception of Tito. He recognized the frustration of being underestimated. 

Then JD turned to Barzy, “It also means that you are going to pay more for my time. It’s up to you.”

Barzal began to hem and haw. His mouth had gotten the better of him and he had stuck his foot so far into it that he didn’t think it would be possible to retrieve. Even if he changed his mind and selected Rocky, the damage was done. Finally Tito spoke again firmly, “No way Barzy. You had your shot at her and you blew it. I want her now.” His eyes fell onto Rocky’s face and he gave a slight nod. 

Rocky laughed out loud, “Well then, let’s get to work.” 

The tiny brunette led Tito to her small section of the studio. She pointed to the table and chairs in the corner. He sat down as she picked up a notebook to take notes. “I have a few questions,” Rocky began as the scent of his cologne wafted into her nostrils. She inhaled and let out a small moan before she realized it. Tito cleared his throat and Rocky blushed in response. “The notes say that this is your first tattoo. Is that correct?” she asked in earnest, “What made you decide to do it today?”

Tito blinked slowly and thought. He hadn’t anticipated the question and was stumped for an answer. Finally he spoke, “I’ve always wanted a tattoo, but never got around to it. When Barzy said he was coming, I decided that I would go ahead and do it.” Rocky nodded her head as she listened. 

“So do you have a design or an idea in mind?” she questioned. 

“Yeah, I found this on the internet and thought it would be cool,” he answered as he fished his phone out of his pocket. Rocky waited patiently as he scrolled this phone. Finally he found the picture and held his phone out to her. She took the phone and looked at the picture. 

Rocky blinked slowly and zoomed in on the picture. Internally, her mind raced with thought “No fucking way”, but her reasoning kicked in. Technically, it would be a challenge which pleased her, but something just didn’t sit well with her. 

She looked up to see him looking at her with hopeful eyes. “Do you like it?” he asked. Rocky flashed a smile similar to a mother gave a child when presented with a treasured piece of artwork. 

“You don’t like it?” he questioned. 

“I didn’t say that,” she replied quickly. 

“You didn’t say it out loud, but it’s what you were thinking,” he countered. 

“It doesn’t matter what I think,” she responded, “You are a paying client. If you want that design, then that’s what we will do.” Rocky bit her lip and paused before speaking again, “Let me talk to JD and get his thoughts. I want to be sure about some of the technical aspects.” She was trying to buy time to think of ways to politely talk Tito out of his design idea. Rocky walked over to JD’s station just as he was placing the stencil on Barzal’s arm. 

“Hey, before you get started,” Rocky started, “Can we go over his design?” They walked away and began an animated conversation. 

Tito looked down the hall at Rocky and watched intently. Her hands gestured wildly as she spoke with passion. He couldn’t make out the words, but whatever she said, it was said with conviction. Barzal nudged Tito with his arm, “So she is…… uhhhh…. different.” Tito continued to stare without answering. “Beau!” Barzal said loud enough to draw the attention of JD and Rocky. 

Tito was caught staring at Rocky before he quickly turned around to face Barzal with a scowl. “Did you have to yell?” he spoke softly. 

“You weren’t answering me,” his friend replied with a laugh, “I don’t like to be ignored.” 

Tito looked back over his shoulder quickly before he answered, “Technically, it wasn't a question, but a statement. Yes, I agree. She is quite unique. By the way, what was up with your attitude earlier? You think she can't tattoo because she is a woman?"

"No, that’s not it,” Barzal shot back, “I had a big, burly guy named Rocky in my head so when the pixie queen of tattoos came out, I was surprised. I put my foot in my mouth.”

Tito began to respond but noticed the duo of tattoo artists were walking back to them. 

Rocky gave what could be best described as her “customer service” smile and gestured to Tito to go back into her section. He gave a shrug to Barzal and followed her. Then he turned around to Barzal who watched, “You know what you need to do.” Barzal nodded and followed JD back to the table. 

The sound of Barzal’s soft yelp and the buzz of JD’s tattoo needle floated into Rocky’s section as they sat down again. 

“Soooooo…” Tito smiled. 

“So now that I had the technical questions I had about the design answered. I can certainly do it for you,” she smiled. 

“Why do I feel like there is a ‘but’ hanging in the air?” Tito smiled. 

“There is no but, you want the design then I will give you the correct one,” she replied coolly. 

“Rocky, tell me the truth,” Tito urged her to answer. 

“How does he know I am lying?” she questioned herself. She looked into his eyes and saw his genuine concern. She paused and thought about her answer. For some people tattoos were just not that deep, but she got the sense that Tito wasn’t one of those people. She decided to flip the script. “What is it about the design that you like?” she asked. 

“Well, I like the black and gray,” he began. When she nodded in understanding, he continued, “I liked the logo because I play for the Islanders” When her nose scrunched ever so slightly, he asked, ”What do you not like about the design?”

“This is a design for every wannabe hockey bro that wasn’t good enough to make it to the NHL,” she blurted out, “Why do you want to look like every other Goomba out there? This design tells me nothing about you as a person. It’s bland and generic and that’s not you. You’re not bland and generic.”

Tito laughed, “Tell me how you really feel.”

Rocky’s eyes flashed up and held his gaze, “Look, maybe I should take the easy money and give the tattoo you want, but that’s not the kind of artist I want to be,” she answered with passion, “I want my work to mean something, both to my client and to me. It’s probably not going to make me “successful”, but that’s really not my goal anyway.” She sighed dramatically, “And that’s not even the most obvious objection to it.” 

“And what’s the most obvious objection to it?” Tito questioned as he studied the design again. 

“When is your contract up? Do you have some sort of non-trade clause?” she asked plainly. He blinked slowly. She continued, “Seriously? When is your contract up?”

“2024,” he said softly as he began to process what she was saying, “I have another season and a half.” 

“And you’re sure that they are going to re-sign you?” she prodded, “I don’t know too much about hockey so I don’t know if you are good or not. I do know that tattooing your team name on your body seems like the hockey equivalent to tattooing your girlfriend or wife’s name on your body. It’s a lovely gesture at the moment, but what do you do when things go south?”

Tito gulped and spit out, “I see your heart and soul is as black as your jet black hair.”

Rocky sat up straight, “Would you rather me not say anything?”

“No, you’re right,” he laughed, “You’re totally right. It looks like I am not getting a tattoo, at least tonight.” They sat silently and looked at each other. Both of them sizing the other up. Finally Tito spoke, “So if you think this design is trash, what design do you think I should get.”

“Something unique, something that tells a story about you,” Rocky pondered out loud. 

“Unique? What’s unique about me? I am just a guy who plays hockey,” Tito challenged. 

“Nah, you are so much more than that,” Rocky answered a little too quickly. 

“How can you tell?” he quizzed. 

“That twinkle in your eye,” Rocky smiled, “There is a whole world hidden behind the twinkles in your eyes.” 

Tito leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, “I could say the same about you.” 

Rocky blushed momentarily before the vibration on her phone drew her attention. It was a text from Kelly letting her know that he would be home late. His department decided on dinner after drinks. Rocky shook her head and silently admonished herself. She wouldn’t exactly call her behavior flirting, but it definitely wasn’t strictly professional. Rocky looked up into Tito’s soft blue eyes again. She was right. There was a whole world hidden in there. A world that she wanted to know more about. 

“I could design something for you,” she blurted out before she processed the thought.

“I would be honored,” he answered quickly, surprising himself. 

“So tell me about yourself, Mr. Beauvillier,” she leaned forward and put her chin into her hand while her elbow rested on the table. 

“Well, I was born in Quebec….” he began. 

She held up a finger and grabbed a pen and paper to write notes and sketch ideas. She motioned for him to continue and he did. Every once in a while he would lean forward to sneak a peek at what she wrote down or doodled. She pushed him away with a playful shove and smile

An hour later Rocky jumped at the sound of JD’s loud knocks. “Hey,” he said with a frown on his face, “We’re done in here.” Tito looked up with a smile. JD. grunted and turned around. 

“What’s his problem?” Tito nodded his head at the door. 

Rocky shrugged her shoulders, “He’s probably pissed that he is going to miss his cut of my fee.” Tito tilted his head in question. “Since he is my mentor, he gets a cut of my fee along with the shop,” she explained, “No tattoo, no fee.” 

“If it’s about the money, I am happy to pay,” Tito offered

Rocky neatly piled up her things. “He’s probably pissed too since he told me just to do the damn design.” she added. They walked out together and waited as Daisy cashed Barzal out. 

“Beau,” Barzal popped off, “What? Did you wimp out?”

“Nah,” Tito answered, “I convinced her to work with me on a custom design. I am thinking of a half sleeve to start that we can add onto later down the road.” JD’s eyebrows raised and Rocky shrugged her shoulders. Barzal turned to them, “What do you think? Pretty badass, huh?”

Rocky suppressed a giggle, “Oh, totally. You’re like the Lion King. Should I call you Simba?” Tito guffawed until Barzal shot him a look. 

“Hurry up so I can pay, Simba,” Tito joked. Barzal casually flipped him off and turned to pay.

“Pay for what? You didn’t get a tattoo?” Rocky said in a stunned voice. 

“Yes, I do need to pay. We were in a consultation. JD, what’s the price per hour for consultations?” Tito looked over to ask Rocky’s mentor. 

“One fifty,” he answered tersely. Rocky bit her lip. He quoted a rate that was double her normal rate and Tito hadn’t blinked an eye. Of course, she knew that JD’s reasons were not altruistic at all. A higher rate meant a higher cut for him and the shop. It also meant that he could now charge Barzal double his normal rate for the basic tattoo he did. Rocky admired his hustle, even if she felt guilty about Tito paying more than necessary for it. 

After Barzal paid, Tito cleared his throat loudly and nodded to Rocky. Barzal shot him a look of confusion. Tito muttered under his breath, “apologize”. Rocky’s head shot up and she looked at Tito who shrugged his shoulders. Barzal nodded in understanding. 

“Uhhhh, Rocky?” Barzal started, “I apologize for earlier. I really wasn’t trying to knock you as an artist. I really was just expecting a big, burly guy based on the name. No offense meant.” Rocky smiled and looked down as she contemplated how long to make the hockey phenom squirm. “Seriously, I am not really a sexist pig,” he continued, “I have much respect for women.”

“Sure you do,” Rocky laughed.

“I swear I do,” Barzal squeaked, “Tell her Beau.”

Tito paused to allow him to sit in his discomfort, “I can attest that Barzy is a great admirer of women who happened to stick his foot so far into his mouth that he is choking on it. I am not sure if it's because of the nasty toe jam or God-awful odor.” Barzal’s mouth dropped open in disbelief.

Rocky giggled, “It’s okay, Simba. I am just busting your balls out of amusement. A little bit of friendly fire, I suppose.”

Barzal shot Tito a glare. “Thanks. It looks like I may need new friends these days,” he smiled as the group walked toward the exit. Rocky and Tito exchanged numbers, which did not go unnoticed by Barzal. When he questioned Tito in the car afterwards, Tito dismissed his comment. “It will be easier to set up time to go over ideas directly with her.” 

“Whatever you say,” Barzal retorted, “I am sure it has nothing to do with the puppy dog eyes you make when looking at her. No, not at all.”

Inside the tattoo parlor, Cameron buzzed about the potential exposure the shop would receive if Barzal posted his new tattoo on social media. JD looked like a deer caught in headlights. While a master tattoo artist, JD was woefully behind the times on social media, considering it an unnecessary evil. Rocky shook her head, “I’ll take care of it.” 

Kelly was sitting on the couch when Rocky arrived back at their apartment. She walked over and kissed the top of his head as he watched Squawk Box on CNBC. “How did the dinner go?” she asked softly. She began stripping as he watched the television. 

“Huh?” he answered as he glanced over at her bare torso as she stripped off her leggings. 

“I said how did the dinner go? Were you able to talk to Ross about your idea?” she asked as she walked into the bedroom to grab one of his large t-shirts to sleep. 

“Oh yeah,” he answered, “We just need the go ahead from Grant and we will be good to go. Hey, I brought you dessert from the restaurant.” 

Rocky walked back out and smiled, “That’s great. We both got good news tonight.” Kelly had turned his attention back to the television. She sighed and walked into the kitchen, opened the take out bag and stared at the cheesecake in the container. It was covered in strawberry syrup. She looked at Kelly in disbelief and then shook her head. Rocky’s favorite was, indeed, cheesecake, but she was allergic to strawberries. She had been since childhood. Kelly knew this, or at least had been told at least a dozen times. He probably scanned the menu, saw the cheesecake and ordered it in hurry. It was the little details that he ignored that drove her crazy. When he was in his "work zone", he lost all focus on anything else.

She placed the cheesecake into the refrigerator. She mumbled something about going to bed. She glanced at her phone and saw the text notifications. 

Rocky looked at her phone and her eyes widened. She had almost 1,000 new followers including Tito, Barzal and a half a dozen other Islanders. 

Thursday- Inked on Ice- Long Island

JD did a double take when Rocky passed him on her way to her station. Rocky’s de facto uniform for work days was a vintage concert or slogan t-shirt with distressed jeans. Today, however, she wore form-fitting black leather pants paired with a crisp white button down shirt. The shirt unbuttoned just enough to reveal a hot pink spaghetti strap camisole. Her hair had also been artfully piled atop her head with a hot pink bandana in the “Rosie the Riveter” look. Most of the staff had a similar reaction. 

“What?” she questioned when Daisy let out a low whistle, "I just felt like dressing up."

“I hope you are comfortable because you are now officially booked solid," Daisy smiled. 

Rocky blinked and swallowed deep. She was finally coming into her own as a tattoo artist. She was still doing smaller and less intricate designs but her technique improved with each one. She took her schedule and got ready for her first appointment. 

Seven hours later, Tito walked into the shop. Daisy immediately greeted him, "Rocky is wrapping up a tattoo. It should be a few minutes." Tito took notice of Rocky's neatly labeled portfolio. The contents mainly consisted of small tattoos that she had done in a variety of styles. The mix was split evenly between color and gray. In the back were larger, more intricate designs.

He was lost in thought when Rocky approached from behind.  "See anything you are interested in?

"They are all great," he said after he collected himself, "I like these landscape ones. That one reminds me of my days playing on an outdoor rink."

Rocky leaned forward to confirm which drawing he meant. Her breath felt warm against his neck and he inhaled her perfume. "Oh, that one? Let's go talk in my section," she said softly, oblivious to his reaction. She turned around and walked back to her small room. Tito gulped and turned to follow. His eyes involuntarily swept over her body as she walked in front of him. 

She was already sitting down when he entered. He stopped at the door and observed her as she pulled out her sketch pad and pencils. "Either come inside or go get me coffee," she joked.

"Coffee?" he asked, "What's your order?"

"Unsweet iced coffee with an extra shot and skim milk, 2 pumps of sugar free vanilla syrup, 2 Splenda and light caramel drizzle," she answered without looking up.

"You know I have zero shot of getting that right," he smiled.

"Beauregard, if you can remember the draft line-up of your draft in order, then you can remember this," she looked up and flashed a smile. He laughed softly. "Or you could just tell them Rocky's usual," she smiled wider, "Whatever is easier."

"You’re a regular over there?" he asked as he began to leave.

"Yes, and I tip very well. Don't ruin my rep, Beauregard," she warned, "Go and let me work. I am inspired."

"Beauregard?" He stopped, "You can't call me Tito or Beau like everyone else?"

"Do I look like a woman who does what everyone else does?' she retorted.

"Silly me," he sighed, "and to think I am paying to go be your coffee bitch." He waited for a response but she had focused on her paper again. 

When he returned with her iced coffee, music was playing. She expertly added shading to the drawing while she sang. https://open.spotify.com/track/1ZY1PqizIl78geGM4xWlEA?si=eebcaf1014c24c38

But if you're single that's honestly worse

'Cause you're so gorgeous it actually hurts

(Honey, it hurts)

Ocean blue eyes looking in mine

I feel like I might sink and drown and die

You're so gorgeous

I can't say anything to your face (to your face)

'Cause look at your face (look at your face)

And I'm so furious

At you for making me feel this way (this way)

But what can I say?

You're gorgeous

He watched her for a moment before he involuntarily started singing as well.

You make me so happy, it turns back to sad, yeah

There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have

You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad (mmh)

You make me so happy, it turns back to sad, yeah

There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have and

Guess I'll just stumble on home to my cats (yeugh)

Alone, unless you wanna come along (oh)

Rocky looked up when she heard his voice and smiled. Tito gallantly presented her with her complex coffee order. He glanced over at the picture before teasing, “So you’re a Swiftie? That’s surprising.” 

“Why?” she asked. 

He made a hand gesture up and down. “The hair, the tattoos, piercings all scream metal goth girl, but here you are jamming away to basic white girl music while drinking basic white girl coffee. Color me confused.”

“That’s what you get when you judge a book by its cover. You miss the complexity of most humans,” she said philosophically. “By the way, I did notice you jamming along. Are there a lot of Swifties in the NHL?”

“Nah, my ex, Tiffany, was one," he answered, "I became one by osmosis."

"Really?" She replied, "My boyfriend just mocks me."

“Ahhhhh,” Tito, “He doesn’t know what he is missing. Taylor Swift is a musical genius.”

"Well, well, well," Rocky whistled, "Look who is the basic white girl now.” 

“Shut up and show me the sketch that you have been so focused on,” he answered as he rolled his eyes. 

She slid the sketch pad over to him and looked up at him with hopeful eyes. “I tried to incorporate everything that we talked about last time,” she said quietly. Rocky wasn’t sure as she was filled with apprehension suddenly. Her art was one of the few areas of her life that she was sure about these days. 

Tito gingerly touched the sketch pad and took in each detail of the illustration. He was surprised by the lack of color, but it was so effective that he couldn’t imagine the piece in anything but simple black and gray. It was the embodiment of everything that they had discussed. 

“What do you think?” she asked. 

Tito swallowed hard, suddenly aware of the tears filling his eyes. “I think,” he started before pausing to steady his voice, “I think it’s perfect.”

“Really?” she smiled tentatively, “You really like it?”

He looked up at her and stared for a moment. Underneath the heavy make-up and tough exterior, he saw her sweet spirit. She was more complex and multi-dimensioned than anyone he had ever met despite practically being a stranger. She had put her heart and soul into this drawing and the magnitude of that action was not lost on him. 

“Yes,” he smiled, “I wouldn’t change a thing about it.”

MIDNIGHT RAIN

The next few weeks were a blur to Rocky. Her days were filled with appointments and consultations. Word of mouth began to spread as client after client posted their ink on social media. Glowing reviews accompanied each post, and Rocky’s reputation began to grow in the tattoo community. Pretty soon, some pretty big name artists began following her, including Catarina Vandewahl, who was a pioneer female tattoo artist. 

 With her growing popularity came sacrifices and hardships. Rocky worked hard to capitalize on the buzz around her work and kept herself booked solid. It meant less and less time at home with Kelly.  They became like ships passing in the night. He was going to bed as she got home from a long day at the shop and left before she woke up for the day. On the rare occasion they were together, they both struggled to find the connection that had bonded them in their youth. Kelly worked feverishly on his work project while Rocky sat on the couch and watched hockey. 

The texts between Tito and Rocky began as strictly business. Short and brief texts to schedule time to work on his tattoo. It was a task that was becoming more and more difficult to complete due to their hectic schedules. However, somewhere along the line, the tone changed from professional to borderline flirtation. 

They scheduled his six hour session two days after Taylor Swift’s Midnights album release. It was a rare day off for Tito and Mondays were usually light for Rocky so she was able to make adjustments to her calendar. The plan was for the duo to experience the album together so they swore to each other to remain as “spoiler free” as possible. 

In the meantime, Rocky began to follow the Islanders closely. Growing up in Dallas, she was a casual fan of the Stars. She knew the basics of hockey, but not the finer details. She grew frustrated trying to watch Tito play. Eventually, they developed a routine of Tito picking a game on his “off” nights, and they would text back and forth throughout the game. Of course, it was all in the name of teaching Rocky about hockey. However, the subject quickly opened up to broader discussions that almost touched on the philosophical. 

Tito kept her updated about life on the road and humorous stories of adventures with teammates. Rocky threw in stories from the tattoo shop. From there, the subject of relationships bubbled up. Tito was shocked to find himself revealing his frustrations in finding a woman that was willing to put up with his unusual schedule while maintaining her own identity. Most women seemed more than ready to give up their own “careers” to make themselves available to NHL players. Tito found it tedious and boring. 

Eventually Rocky found herself venting to Tito about how Kelly and her were on almost completely opposite schedules and how isolated she felt from him. Almost immediately, she regretted it and walked back her statements. Internally she scolded herself for crossing some imaginary line. For his part, Tito avoided the subject and redirected back to the game they were supposed to be watching. He couldn’t even think of a reason why he felt the need to change the subject. They were both venting about essentially the same subject. Still he felt a sting as he listened to her vent and he pictured her domestic life with her boyfriend. The sting was especially strong as he looked around his nondescript hotel room and remembered that there would be no one waiting for him when he returned home at the end of the road trip. 

The cracks in Rocky and Kelly’s relationship began to deepen the weekend before Tito’s appointment. With his big work project complete, Kelly looked to reconnect with his long-time love. He made a reservation at a romantic restaurant and booked a suite at the Plaza. It was the sort of restaurant that demanded a level of elegance and style that was out of Rocky’s comfort zone. 

“Quit fidgeting,” Kelly smiled as they followed the hostess to their table at the back of the restaurant. His hand was on the small of her back as she smoothed her hair down. She had just dyed her hair a vibrant red that morning and spent an inordinate amount of time curling it to achieve the perfect vintage fifties vibe she was going for. 

“People are staring at me,” she said quietly. 

“Please,” he joked, “You don’t dye your hair that color while wearing that dress if you don’t want attention.” Rocky flinched internally at his words. After they sat down, she quickly picked up the menu to study it. The fact it also shielded the tears that welled up in her eyes was an added bonus. 

“Hey,” Kelly said softly, “Let me see your face.”

“I’m deciding what to eat,” she said as she willed her voice to remain steady. 

“Rox,” he whispered, “Let me see your face.” She bit her lip. He only called her Rox when he was being sweet and kind to her. While she couldn’t say that he had been unkind recently, there had been a dearth of sweetness over the past couple of months. Slowly, she lowered the menu to let him see her face. “Rox,” he sighed.

“Do you think I dress the way I do for attention?” she murmured, “Do you think I am that kind of person?”

Kelly reached for her hand and grabbed it before she withdrew it. “I think that you can’t dye your hair fire engine red and cover yourself in tattoos and then be shocked when you get attention from normal people.”

“Normal people?” she questioned as she raised her menu again, “I am not a normal person? Since when?” 

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” he said flatly, “I don’t want to argue. I like the hair and the dress. You look beautiful and unique. You should rock the hell out of it while you can.” 

“While I can?” she asked after the server took their order, “What is that supposed to mean?” 

“Rox,” he said, “Don’t overthink it. I just want to have a romantic night with my girl.” 

Something inside of her bristled at the comment “his girl”. She tried to focus on his intent or at least what she believed to be his intent. Kelly wasn’t a malicious person. He was actually quite thoughtful and caring. In fact, it was one of her favorite qualities about him. She looked at him and smiled. "So do you want to hear about my week?" He nodded in affirmation and she began telling a funny story about a misspelled tattoo. 

Back in their hotel suite later, they had exhausted all subjects of conversation. Rocky pulled out her phone as a distraction and saw the notification from Tito.

Rocky quickly typed out a reply.

Rocky- Hey…. Quit cheating

Tito- Who? Me?

Rocky- Yes, you - Beauregard

Tito- #sorrynotsorry. I am bored in the hotel room. Staying spoiler free is hard.

Rocky- Quit being a spoiler whore and go to sleep. You will need your energy for Monday.

Tito- That's right- you're going to pop my cherry. Be gentle with me.

Rocky stared at the screen. She knew full well that he was referring to his first tattoo experience. However, suddenly, a very graphic image of her sliding down onto him filled her mind. She could almost hear him whisper in his light accent, "Be gentle with me." Rocky dropped her phone which drew Kelly's attention. He gave a funny face and she scrambled to grab the phone to prevent Kelly from seeing the content. Then she remembered that it had only been a figment of her imagination and not anything that could be read

Tito- Rocky?

Rocky- Sorry, dropped phone. Yes, I will be gentle with you. I gotta go. We’re headed to bed. TTYL.

Tito stared at the screen. "Headed to bed?" he thought. A vision of Rocky riding him while throwing her head back filled his mind. He tried to imagine just how much of her upper body was decorated with ink. He stared at the screen, then put the phone down. He turned on the TV and willed himself to not look at the phone. “Fuck it,” he groaned as he picked up his phone again. Without thinking, he found himself on her Instagram page scrolling through pictures. “Don’t hit like, don’t fucking hit the like button,” he reminded himself as he stalked. It was mainly tattoo photos with an occasional selfie. He scrolled back up and stopped. “Damn,” he whispered to himself, “Damn.” 

Before he could stop himself, he responded with a flirty reply. He saw Kelly’s response and exhaled in disgust before clicking on his profile. His posts consisted of mainly “bro” activities - hanging out with friends, tailgating at Jets games, trips to the shore, etc. Tito noticed that they were only rare pictures of Rocky, at least recently.

Pretty soon, he had spent an hour down the rabbit hole of Kelly’s profile. He had pieced together a rough timeline of Rocky’s relationship with Kelly. It started off strong in high school with nearly constant photos. Things definitely cooled in college as Kelly morphed from slightly emo/goth boy to total finance bro . There was a direct correlation between their individual transformations and their relationship-at least based on what you could see on social media. Tito would bet that Rocky's tattoos and fashion style were an issue. The more she got, the less he posted her picture. A couple of years after graduation, other than holiday and anniversary posts, she was non-existent on his timeline. It wasn't as if Kelly was necessarily hiding his relationship with Rocky on social media, but he wasn't exactly shouting it from the rooftops either. He did a similar deep dive onto Rocky’s page and reached the same conclusion. 

He scrolled back to her post from that night. How could the things that he found so fascinating about Rocky be an issue for this Kelly dude? He didn’t understand it. He didn’t understand it all. Tito gently touched the screen with his thumb. Her smile made him feel things. Her eyes, he thought to himself, her eyes were bright on the surface, but underneath there was a world that he wanted to know. He wanted to know what made her happy and what made her sad. He wanted to know what she thought about the new Taylor Swift album. He wanted to know her thoughts about everything. 

Back at the Plaza, Rocky sighed heavily as she tried to get comfortable in the oversized hotel bed.  As much as she appreciated the thought and effort that Kelly had put into making the night special, something had fallen flat. Even their lovemaking had been lackluster with them both going through the motions without any true passion between them. Muscle memory elicited perfunctory orgasms for each of them before both they rolled in opposite directions to sleep. Rocky tried "fluffing" her pillow before grabbing her phone. 

She glanced at Instagram and smiled at Tito's comment. "Can't sleep?" Kelly said sleepily.

"No, maybe it was the espresso martini at dinner?" She replied.

"Rox, you mainline coffee all day long. How can an espresso martini affect you like this?" he challenged. She shrugged her shoulders. "Come here," he held out his arm to her, "I'll try the head thing." Rocky rolled over and snuggled into his chest. They laid in silence for a minute. Kelly's fingertips ran up and down arm gently in slow, methodical fashion. He could feel the tension oozing out of her pores. "Rox, talk to me," he finally asked, "I know that something set you off tonight."

"Well, first you said I wasn't normal," she started meekly.

"Normal wasn't the right word," he interjected, "Average is more accurate. It wasn't meant as an insult, Rox. You should know that you stand out in a crowd. You are special and unique….."

"Why do I sense that there is a but hanging in the air?" She questioned.

"There is no but hanging in the air…." He snapped back.

"What did you mean when you said I should rock the hell out of my look while I can?" she lifted her head and stared into his eyes. 

"There it is. That is what you have been stewing over since dinner," he sighed, "What I meant was that eventually you will need to dress more appropriately. Wait, appropriate is not the right word. Hmmmm, maybe I should say….ummmm, subdued."

"Subdued? Why do I need to be subdued?" She shot back.

 He sighed, "because eventually I will need you to be a partner. I can't become a CEO without a good partner."

"CEO?" she balked, "Since when do you want to become a CEO? What happened to the 'work as hard as we can fo the next ten years so we can retire and travel the world" plan? When did that change?"

Kelly blinked, "When I started and discovered that I actually liked it. I am good at my job and I can go further than I thought I could. I know it doesn't mean shit to you but I love it. If you gave it a chance, you might like it too."

Rocky searched into his eyes to gauge his seriousness. Her gaze was met with an expression of such earnestness that she felt actual pain in her heart. "Tell me more about this plan," she said softly before she laid her head on his chest and he wrapped his arm around her to pull her close. She listened as he explained his fifteen year long route to CEO. It included getting married within two years and having their first child two years after that. Everything was mapped out in such detail that Rocky was beginning to wonder when exactly the original plan changed and when he was planning on telling her.

"You're being awfully quiet, Rox," he said at the end as he wrapped up.

"It's a lot to take in," she whispered, "It's a lot to take in."

"You'll at least consider it? Will you at least consider it for me?" He asked hopefully.

"Yes, I will think about it," she sighed. 

Kelly kissed the top of her head, "You're the best. I love you."

"Love you too," she yawned, "let's get some sleep."

TWO DAYS LATER- INKED ON ICE Tattoo Shop

Tito winced and gritted his teeth as Rocky worked on the outline of the complex tattoo design they had settled on. “How are you doing there, Beauregard?” Rocky asked cheerfully. Tito had been sitting stoically for almost three hours. The session started out strong. They started with listening to Taylor Swift’s Midnights, but after two times they grew restless. When Rocky suggested switching to Speak Now, he readily agreed. 

He groaned, “Why on earth would you willingly do this multiple times?”

Rocky smiled, “I don’t know. The art is worth the pain, I suppose. Of course, it could also be that I am tougher than you and can take the pain. I would have thought a hockey player would be tougher but then again Barzal cried like a little bitch too.”

“Hey,” he whined, “Would you like me to tell you all of the injuries that I have played with?”

“Will it make you quit whining?” she countered, “If so, then by all means, tell me how tough you are.” Rocky knew that it would draw his focus away from the tattoo and therefore the pain. Sure enough, the conversation bought Rocky about forty five minutes of productive work time. When he began to lose focus again, Rocky tapped his leg. “Hey, we are at a good stopping point for a break. You rest and I will go grab us some lunch from next door. The lasagna is top notch.” Tito breathed a sigh of relief. Within minutes, Rocky had prepared his arm enough to move freely. “Stretch, move around and relax,” she instructed, “We have about another four hours to finish it. Think you can handle it?” She looked at him with concern. It was his first tattoo and she wanted to be sure that he didn’t tap out before she finished. Also, she wouldn’t admit to anyone, but part of her wondered if she could take another four hours on trying to focus on tattooing while she ignored the intrusive thoughts in her head. 

When she returned with the food, he was casually scrolling through his phone. He graciously accepted the lasagna and bottle water. “What do I owe you?” he asked. 

“You don’t need to pay me back,” she insisted. 

“I am not used to women buying me food,” he blushed. 

Rocky blinked, “Beauregard….. What kind of women are you dating? They don’t even do the courtesy to reach for their wallet? Where are you finding them? Puckbunnies.com?”

“Hey,” Tito cautioned, “Tap the brakes there.”

Rocky immediately hung her head, “I am sorry, Beau. Truly, I am. I am just dealing with a personal thing and it’s got me extra “fight the patriarchy” right now. 

Tito’s face immediately softened, “Something personal? With your boyfriend? What’s his name again- Kelly?”

Rocky sighed, “Yeah, something with him. Hey, how did you know his name?”

Tito blinked. He didn’t want to admit to the stalking of Instagram. “Ummm, didn’t he comment on the picture the other day?” he answered casually. 

“Oh yeah,” Rocky smiled, “I forgot about that.” 

They sat in silence for a moment. The unanswered question hung in the air. Finally Tito asked, “Do you want to talk about it?” 

Rocky fought the impulse to open to him. “He’s a client,” she told herself before she took another bit of lasagna. She looked out of the corner of her eye to find Tito staring, waiting on an answer. “Beauregard, I appreciate the offer. It’s nothing earth shattering or dramatic," she offered as an answer. When his eyes didn't move from her face, "Stop staring at me. You're being weird," 

Tito looked down and thought, "Was he being weird?" Then he shook his head and looked at her. Her eyes held a silent plea to drop the subject. He waffled between pushing for an answer, absolutely hoping for any news that the relationship had cracks that could be exploited and letting her tell him without pressure. He grimaced at his mind that jumped at the opportunity to "exploit" any weaknesses in her relationship. No, if they had a future together in their destinies, it would happen without manipulation or pressure. He smiled and deflected, "So, ummmm, where did Rocky come from? Did your dad just really want a boy?"

She was thankful for the deflection. She wasn't ready to put her emotions into words yet. Rocky grinned widely, "It's short for Raquelle. My younger brother, Gabriel, could only say Raq and not Raquelle. Alexander turned it into Rocky after I beat him up." Tito's eyes widened. "Well, he deserved it. He stole my Nintendo DS," she explained. 

"Remind me never to get on your bad side, Raquelle," Tito smiled.

There was something about the way that he said her name made her heart leap with joy. She felt blush overcome her cheeks and she looked away. Tito thought she never looked more beautiful. "Yep, I am going to call you Raquelle from now on," he teased casually.

"Whatever you say, Anthony " she countered. Both of them scrunched their noses immediately. "Nope, Beauregard is better," she declared. She glanced at the clock. "Now eat up, Beauregard," she ordered, "We are going to start in ten minutes and keep going until we are done."

"Yes, Raqueĺle," he cooed, exaggerating each syllable in his slight French accent. Rocky bit her lip and took a bite of lasagna. "I will let you torture me again in ten minutes." he laughed.

Rocky's plan to carb load Tito worked. When they began again, he got into the zone. He sat back in the chair and closed his eyes. His body entered into a trance like state and they powered through together. They were reaching the finish line when "Midnight Rain" started. https://youtu.be/Odh9ddPUkEY?si=IRMd5VC86a0xnQ77. Taylor's voice filled the room

Rain, he wanted it comfortable

I wanted that pain

He wanted a bride

I was making my own name

Chasing that fame

He stayed the same

All of me changed like midnight

Rocky's head popped and listened to the song that seemed to encapsulate the current state of her relationship. When the words "Cause he was sunshine, I was midnight rain,.He wanted it comfortable,I wanted that pain" floated across the room, her eyes filled with tears. Unable to see, she lifted the needle from Tito's skin.  The lack of sensation reached into his brain but did not penetrate. It was the tear that splashed down on his forearm that got his attention. He looked at the wet mark and then lifted his eyes to look at her face

 Tears streamed down as she stared into space. "Rocky? Are you okay?" He sat straight up in the chair. She glanced at him and cried harder. "Rocky, what happened?" He questioned. "Mon ami, what happened? Did you make a mistake?" She shook her head vigorously. 

"He is sunshine and I am midnight rain. He wants comfortable and I want pain," she said out loud to no one in particular.

"Who?" His hand went to her cheek, "Kelly?" She nodded her head. "What happened, Mon Ami? You were fine," he soothed. 

"The song," she choked out.

He listened as the song ended. "Which song?" He asked.

"Midnight Rains," she whispered.

"The breakup song?" He asked in the tenderest voice. 

Rocky wiped her tears, "He has a fifteen year plan now. He wants to be a CEO and he wants me to be the good little corporate wife." Tito's mind raced. "Can you imagine?" She whined, "Can you imagine me at the country club."

"No, no I can't." He answered honestly. "How do you feel about that?"

"Terrified," she blurted out, "What if I can't do it? What if I lose myself in the process?

"Do you even want to do it? He asked sincerely, "Is that the life you want?"

She stared at him like he had three heads. Of course, it was Kelly. He was her future. He had been her future since she can remember. She hadn't considered what she wanted. 

He wiped her tears that still flowed." It is just a song," he whispered, "It doesn't have to mean a break up." Internally he screamed at himself to shut up, but he couldn't stop himself. No, if she was going to end things, she would do it without his interference. It was clear that she wasn't ready to let go. "Rocky…." He continued as she stared into space, "Raquelle…." Her head snapped in direction. "It's just a song," he explained, "You get to decide your future. You can have any future you want."

Rocky inhaled deeply, "You think?"

"I know," he smiled back.

"Thank you Beauregard," she smiled, "You're a good friend to me." Her breath hitched as the word came out of her mouth. 

"It is my pleasure," he smiled, "It's.honor and a pleasure to be your friend. However, if you don't finish this ink soon, I am going to come to my senses soon and I will never let you near me with a needle again."

Rocky glared, "No way you are tapping out now. Buckle up Beauregard.".He sat back and closed his eyes. "Alexa, play Shake It Off."

Thirty minutes later, Tito stood and admired the design. "It's perfect," he praised, "I can't wait to post it." 

Two weeks later - USB Arena

Kelly held the ticket stub in his hand as they walked around the concourse of the USB arena. “Rox,” he said suddenly, “These are lower bowl seats. I think these seats are pretty close to the glass. Where did you get them again?”

“I told you,” she said sweetly, “A client gave them to me as a thank you.” Kelly led them down the stairs to the seats which were right next to the Islanders penalty box. Rocky took the seat nearest the box. Kelly had a thing about having an easy exit out of crowded places and would have felt boxed in. The music in the arena was loud and pulsating. Rocky looked around and absorbed the vibe. She was lost in thought when a loud horn sounded. She looked up to see the Islander team taking the ice. She hadn’t even noticed that she held her breath until she saw Tito step out onto the ice following Barzal. She smiled and exhaled as her eyes stayed glued to him. 

She couldn’t help but notice the difference in him. His face was devoid of expression and his eyes focused on the ice in front of him as the group began to make laps around their end of the ice. Gone was the friendly, but somewhat introverted Beauregard that she knew. In place was a determined and focused warrior. Rocky was tempted to bang on the glass when Barzal took a position in front of her seats to begin his stretches. She decided against creating a potential awkward moment. Instead she searched for Tito, she found him on the opposite side of the ice, stretching as well.

A high pitched squeal of "Barzy" penetrated the air and he leisurely looked over his shoulder to find the source. A gaggle of college girls stood behind Rocky holding a sign that said "Barzy- You can go 5 hole on us." He smirked and shook his head before noticing Rocky, who very obviously focused on something that had her complete attention. He had a hunch on the object of her focus. It was confirmed when he followed her sight line that went straight to Tito. 

He almost shouted across the ice, but thought better of it. Instead he waited, they stood next to each other for a drill. "Hey Tito, why didn't you say anything about Rocky being here tonight," Barzal remarked casually, "Those are better seats than we normally get to give away. Did you ask for extra nice ones for her?"

Tito's head spun around in surprise, "What? Where?"

Barzal pointed to Rocky's location. Tito looked and saw her staring in his direction. He felt his stomach flip while a smile spread across his face. He waved shyly and Rocky felt her face flush.

"Did that player just wave at you?" Kelly asked. He turned to Rocky who waved back to Tito before she turned to face him. 

“Yeah, I know him from the shop,” she answered evasively. Immediately she felt a pang of guilt hit. Between her earlier fascination and not completely honest answer, she walked the boundary of both her relationship with Kelly AND Tito. She added, “I actually did a tattoo for him a couple of weeks ago.” 

“Oh,” Kelly turned to assess the hockey player, “So that’s why your schedule has blown up recently. You are tattooing ‘celebrities’ these days. Good for you.”

Rocky turned to Kelly with her arms folded. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“Did I say that it was a bad thing?” Kelly questioned incredulously. 

The couple stood and stared at each other.. The stare down lasted long enough to attract Tito’s attention. His eyes widened slightly when Rocky’s angry expression registered. He started skating before his brain engaged. A guttural instinct took over. Someone had upset his Raquelle and that- it was just unacceptable. He hit the boards immediately in front of Kelly with enough force to knock Kelly’s beer off the ledge he had left it sitting on. The beer splashed Kelly’s jeans while the sound of the hit reverberated through the area. Kelly looked down at his pants, then to Tito who stared him down on the other side of the glass. “Hey!” Kelly yelled as Tito looked at Rocky who stood with her jaw dropped. 

Her mind raced to imagine a justification for Tito’s actions and she could find none. Her look of confusion felt like a stab in the heart to Tito. Rocky turned to Kelly who burst out laughing. The reaction of the crowd in the section was the rousing cheer of approval and amusement. Tito winked at Rocky before he skated off to the bench. “Hey Jake,” Tito called the equipment manager, “You have any money?”

“Why?” the assistant equipment yelled back.

“I knocked that guy’s beer over. I need to buy him another one,” Tito explained.. “Come on, you know I am good for it,” Tito cajoled. Jack turned to delegate the task to one of the team interns when Tito yelled again. 

As he made his request, Jake looked on incredulously. “You owe me, Beau- you owe me,” he laughed as he walked away. 

In the brief time between end of warm-up and puck drop, a hapless team intern came bounding down the steps toward Kelly and Rocky. He stood at the end of the row and yelled down to them. “Hey, Tito bought you a beer to replace the one he knocked over,” the intern said cheerfully as he passed the cup of beer down the row. Then he passed down the large coffee cup and added, “This is for Rocky?” Kelly eyed her suspiciously as Rocky waited for the cup. When she received it, she glanced to get confirmation. It was her ridiculously complicated drink. Tito made someone go to Starbucks and return with a coffee specifically made for her. 

“Can you tell him thank you?” she smiled at the intern. 

“You can tell him yourself,” the intern responded, “He wants me to bring you down to the locker room after the game. Wait here and I will come get you after the third period.” 

“Wow,” Kelly quipped, “That must have been one hell of a tattoo you did for him. You’re getting VIP treatment.”

Later, toward the end of the second period, Rocky leaned forward and intently watched the faceoff taking place in front of her. Kelly had made an early exit to beat the line at the concession stand. The Islanders were in a tight, chippy game against the Dallas Stars- the score tied up at one. Tito lined up against Jamie Benn who acknowledged him with a head nod. Tito looked back over his shoulder and glanced at Rocky but then returned his focus to the task at hand. Benn laughed, “Is that your girl? She looks like fun.” 

Tito responded with a shove to Benn’s chest, “Shut up.” Benn retaliated with a stick poke and a smile- content with the knowledge that he had found a way to get under Tito’s skin. Both resumed position again but began jostling sticks back and forth. When the puck dropped, he used his stick to upend Tito. 

 The move drew the ire of the Islander crowd and Rocky stood up and yelled, “Hey, you can’t do that.” Benn smiled even bigger as Tito got up and launched a shove into his opponent’s chest. The captain grabbed a hold of the stick and they jostled for a few moments before Tito dropped his gloves and reached to pull Benn down into a headlock before he started swinging. He landed several punches before the bigger man was able to pull him down to the ground. Refs separated them. Tito ripped off his helmet as he got back to his feet and shook his head. . 

Benn smiled, sure that he had instigated Tito into a penalty. During a tie game, drawing a penalty was crucial. His smile soon disappeared when he realized that it was he that was getting the extra penalty for his trip. Tito gave him a smile, “Thanks for the power play. It will come in handy.” 

He entered the penalty box casually, sitting down on the bench and placing his helmet beside him. He wiped his face with the towel as Benn yelled from his box. Tito looked over lazily as he caught his breath. “Lucky you,” the captain yelled and pointed. Tito turned around to see Rocky staring intently at him, her brow furrowed slightly. She quickly smiled as he turned around. 

Tito scooted on the bench so that he was closer to her. Suddenly, he forgot where he was and focused on her smile. “Fancy meeting you here, Mon Ami,” he greeted  her. 

“Beauregard…..” she spoke in an exaggerated drawl, “I’m not a hockey expert, but I do believe that you are supposed to stay OUT of the penalty box.”

“Raquelle…..” he began with a little more accent than necessary. Rocky felt her cheeks begin to flush. Tito stared at her face, “If I stayed OUT of the box, then we wouldn’t have this chance to chat. You know that chatting with you is my favorite thing in the world.” Rocky leaned forward and grinned. 

Somewhere in the TV control room, a producer proclaimed, “Are you guys seeing this?” The director looked up as the producer shared the camera view into the Islander penalty box onto the large screen. There, in the picture, were Tito and Rocky shamelessly flirting. Within seconds, the shot was on live TV with the Islanders TV announcers commenting on it. 

“Butch,” Brendan Burke chuckled, “It seems like we have a bit of an off-ice situation happening here.” 

Back in their bubble, Rocky joked, “I knew you were trouble when you walked in…”

Tito retorted, “It’s me. Hi, I’m the problem it’s me.”

“At tea time, everybody agrees,” she finished. 

Back in the control room, one of the female interns shouted out, “Holy shit, they are quoting Taylor Swift to each other.” 

The director yelled, “No fucking way!” He suddenly had visions of a viral moment. The information was relayed to the announcers. 

Tito moved on to another song, “Best believe I’m still bejeweled, When I walk in the room I can still make the whole place shimmer.” 

Rocky picked up, “And when I meet the band, They ask “Do you have a man?” I can still say, ‘I don’t remember’” 

Inside the control room, the announcer's booth and the entire Islanders liveblog tag on Tumblr, people watching were losing their collective minds. Comments flew back and forth- “Do you think he even knows that there is a game still going on? The moment was interrupted by the penalty box attendant who tapped Tito on the shoulder, “Fifteen seconds, dude.” 

Tito’s head spun around and he remembered where he was. He quickly gathered his equipment and stood by the door. He turned to Rocky and smiled. She started “I’ll spend forever wondering if you knew I was enchanted to meet you.” 

The door opened and Tito skated onto the ice. He glanced back and saw Kelly returning to his seat. He handed Rocky a bottle of water and she looked like she wanted to melt into the floor. The voice inside Tito's  head finished the lyric, “Please don’t be in love with someone else. Please don’t have somebody waiting on you.” He felt the sharp pain in his abdomen like a punch to a gut. It pulled him out of dream-like state and back into the reality of the game. “Use this,” he said to himself, “Use the pain as motivation.” 

His eyes returned to the play and he saw his opening as he gained speed. He knocked Miro Heiskanen off the puck and took it onto his stick. He weaved his way through the two defensemen and circled the net. He passed the puck to Barzal who shot it at the net. Jake Oettinger coughed up a juicy rebound that landed on Tito’s stick. He lifted the puck up and over Oettinger’s shoulder into the net. It took a second for Tito to realize what had just happened. He was swarmed by his teammates as the arena erupted in cheers. 

He looked over to see Kelly pick Rocky into his arms and swing her around. He quickly turned to accept congratulatory pats on the head from his teammates. Rocky’s head spun while in Kelly’s arm to find Tito. When she found him on the bench, she swallowed hard. The focused expression on his face had returned and he stared directly in front of him. It was Rocky’s turn to feel the gnawing ache in her stomach. The period ended and she watched him walk to the tunnel without looking back. 

The Islander locker room buzzed with excitement of the new lead. Round of "Thatta boy, Beau, spread around the room. Tito didn't respond. Instead he replayed his time in the penalty box -the ease of talking to Rocky, the way she pulled him out of the game, the butterflies he felt when he looked into her eyes. He could have stayed lost in that moment for the rest of his life.

His thoughts were interrupted by Anders Lee's voice. "Sooooo who is the girl and can we buy her a beer?" he joked.

"Please don’t be in love with someone else. Please don’t have somebody waiting on you," ran through his head. The memory of her hug with Kelly flashed in his brain. Tito gritted his teeth and shook his head. "She's nobody- just the woman who did my tat," he spit out, 'She's nobody." With that, he got up to find the intern from earlier. Barzal watched in silence before getting up and following him. The rest of the team looked at each other in confusion. 

Barzal caught up as Tito finished his conversation. "Are you sure" the intern asked. Tito nodded his head.

"Sure about what?" Barzal questioned.

"Sure that I don't want her to come down after the game," Tito answered emphatically.

"Why?" Barzal questioned as they walked back to the room.

"Because I said so dumbass," Tito muttered as he put on his gear.

Upstairs,the intern made his way to Rocky's seats. Kelly looked confused when the intern gently explained, "Tito is not going to be able to see you after the game after all. There is a mandatory team meeting that he can't miss." 

Rocky blinked. She knew it was a lie but didn't want to argue or appear too eager to see Tito.. "Oh okay- well, tell him that I will see him around I guess.” She tried to hide the disappointment on her face, but Kelly knew her well enough to spot the fake smile. They rode in uncomfortable silence back to their apartment. 

Later in bed, they faced opposite walls with their backs to each other. “So that’s who you've been texting recently?” Kelly asked quietly. 

“Yeah,” she said softly, “He has been teaching me about hockey.”

"Clearly it worked. You were really focused on the game. I am glad you had a good time. You deserved it." Kelly yawned "Good night Rox. Love you."

"Ditto, Kels," she replied softly. Rocky's phone began to buzz. She picked it up.

Daisy: Girl…

Rocky: What?

Daisy: You're viral.

Rocky: What? How?

Daisy sent her the link to SportCenter and the segment about Tito's time in the penalty box. Rocky watched in a combination of sweet memory and horror. She thought back to what she felt in the moment. The feeling had been so pure and she struggled to name it. It finally dawned on her- joy. 

"What's the problem with joy?" She asked herself as the dread and horror spread around her body. It had been so long since she had experienced true joy. She couldn't remember when the last time was. One thing she knew that it wasn't with Kelly- the person who she should share joy with.

She looked back at Kelly with a wistful look. "I have to be better," she said to herself, "He deserves better." She rolled over and watched the clip again. The feeling of joy returned as she watched Tito's face and a thought popped into her head, "Don't you deserve better?" She pursed her lips and turned off her phone.

Barzal/Beauvillier condo- Long Island

"Fuck you, I would have made that shot,," Tito yelled out to no one in particular as the NHL22 game played. Barzal gave him a side eye and continued playing the video game.

After Tito added "motherfucker,"  Barzal paused the game. Tito protested meekly before Barzal cut him off, “What in the hell is your problem dude?”

“I don’t have a problem,” Tito countered. 

“Don’t lie to me Beau. It insults my intelligence,” Barzal challenged. Tito began a pithy response, but stopped when he saw his roommate’s expression. The concern was apparent and completely out of character for Barzal. “Does it have something to do with Rocky?” Barzal asked quietly. Tito leaned back and let out an exaggerated sigh. “I am going to take that as a yes,” Barzal continued, “Want to talk about it?”

“There is nothing to talk about. I misread her signals,” Tito spit out, “I thought there might be something there, but clearly I am wrong.” 

“I am not so sure about that dude,” Barzal sighed. The brunette turned and studied his roommate's face. He pondered his next words carefully.   "Look, I was going to wait and let you find out tomorrow, but there is something that you need to see." He pulled out his phone and started the video of Tito and Rocky from the penalty box.

Tito smiled involuntarily at Rocky as his finger went caress her face on the phone screen. He wanted to push the feeling down but it swept over him like a tidal wave. Barzal chuckled, "Dude, you have it bad. You are so into her."

"Too bad she isn't into me," Tito whined.

"Look, she may have a boyfriend, but she is into you," Barzal countered. Tito began to shake his head but Barzal interjected, "Look at her face when she looks at you. She desn't look at her boyfriend that way. I watched her during the game. Trust me there is something there, Beau. It wasn’t just during your penalty. Her eyes were on you the entire game.."

"So what should I do? She has a boyfriend," Tito asked.

"Be patient until she figures it out," Barzal suggested, “I don’t know much but I know that she doesn’t look at him the way she looks at you.”

"So business as usual?" Tito asked. Barzal nodded his head. "One Sec," Tito held up his hand. He reached for his phone and typed a quick text to Rocky,

Tito: Hey sorry we couldn't connect after the game, but it was great to see you. 

Rocky: I thought you were mad at me.

Tito: Never mon ami

Rocky: You sure?

Tito: 100% sure 

Rocky: You wouldn't lie to me, would you Beaugard?

Tito: Raquelle, you wound me 

Rocky: Sweet dreams. Great game by the way

Tito: Thanks- good night

Three days later-INKED ON ICE Tattoo Shop

Rocky tidied her work station and eyed the door.  She had received a terse text from Kelly during her last appointment that simply said "We need to talk. I am working at Starbucks. Let me know when you can chat.” She responded with an equally terse "It will be fifteen minutes as I finish up. It can't wait until tonight?"

"No- I don't want to have this conversation after midnight," was the response.

Precisely fifteen minutes later, Rocky looked up when she sensed his presence and their eyes locked. Her soft smile was met with pursed lips. "Hey," she said as she kissed his cheek before he settled into his seat. His hands held a to-go coffee cup that she was certain contained her order to perfection. "What's up?" she asked casually.

Kelly studied her next design before he sat down. His eyes looked at her askance. His mouth opened and shut several times. With each time, Rocky felt a knot in her stomach develop. "Rocky….." he began, "...... you know I love you. I have loved you since kindergarten when you walked up to me, the new kid, and announced that we were going to be best friends." Rocky smiled at the memory. He continued, "You were the girl, Rocky. You were the girl I was going to love forever. You were my past, you were my present, and you were going to be my future."

Rocky gulped, "Were?"

Kelly swallowed hard, "Yes, were. You have to know that we haven't been working for a while. We lead completely different lives with completely different goals. I don't think it's fixable, Rox. I don't think we can make it work now.

"Kelly, I love you. You know that. There is no one I love more than you," Rocky gasped. 

"I know, Rox. I love you too. You are my favorite person but somewhere along the way, we fell out of love with each other. It doesn't make you the bad guy and it doesn't make me the bad guy. We are just two best friends whose lives are on separate tracks," he spoke in a hushed tone. "I tried to ignore it but I can't anymore. I deserve to be in love and you deserve to be in love.” Rocky stared at the ground as his words sunk into her soul. Her head popped up when he said, “Honestly, I think you are in love."

Rocky stood up, "What are you talking about? There isn't anyone but you. You think I am cheating on you?"

"Tito," he stared into her eyes, "I saw it when I saw the video."

"We were just goofing off and being silly," she exclaimed.

“During a game? A game that he is passionate about?” Kelly countered, "And when was the last time we goofed off like that?" Kelly sighed, “I can’t ignore the evidence. I mean it went viral.” 

"I didn’t mean for it to go viral," she countered weakly, “We’re friends I swear. Nothing else. He just gets me. Kelly- he and I are just friends.”

"I believe that you think that," he stood up to walk to her, "I believe that you are doing everything in your power to honor your commitment to me. You are denying what your heart is telling you."

"And what do you think it's telling me?” she whispered.

"That you are not in love with me anymore and if I were out of the picture, you would fall in love with him," he reached for her hand. "Look, I could tell at the game. It's there and I would be a fool to try to deny it."

"I don't want to hurt you," she cried, "I don't want to break your heart."

Kelly intertwined his fingers into hers. "It would break my heart to settle for less than we deserve. You deserve to be in love. You deserve someone who wants the crazy lives you two lead." He stopped and inhaled, "And I deserve someone who wants the white picket fence, the PTA and the ordinary life I crave. I deserve someone in love with me." 

Tears streamed down Rocky's face, "I'm sorry."

Kelly wiped her tears with his thumbs, "Don't be. Don't be sorry for being you. I love you. I love you enough to set us free."

"I love you, Kelly," she leaned her forehead into his chest, "I'll always love you."

"I know, but now it's time to love each other from a distance," he kissed the top of her head, "One day we can be best friends again."

"I would like that," she looked up at him, "So we're over? We're really over?"

"Yeah," he smiled, "at least as lovers."

Out in the lobby, Tito held his finger up to his lips as he entered the shop to keep Daisy from announcing his arrival. In his hand, he held a large coffee and protein box. He turned the corner and stopped in his tracks. Kelly stood with his arms wrapped around Rocky’s back. Her face was nuzzled into his neck. Tito’s body lurched like he had been punched in the stomach. “I love you Rox,” Kelly smiled as he set her down and kissed the top of her head. He then turned around to walk past Tito. He glanced at Tito, who stood frozen, and smiled. Rocky watched the exchange in numb silence. Tito watched Kelly leave the shop and then turned his head to look at Rocky. She gave him a soft smile. Internally, Tito’s mind raced. He didn’t have an agenda when he decided to drop by and see Rocky, but he certainly didn’t expect to witness such a tender moment. “Snap out of it, Beauvillier,” he told himself, “You got the wrong idea. She has a boyfriend- one that she loves even if you can't make it make sense to your brain.” 

“Hey Beauregard,” she stepped toward, “To what do I owe this surprise?” She fought to keep the tears out of her eyes and her voice smooth and steady. They exchanged a look and Rocky watched as Tito’s expression hardened before her. 

“I, uhhhhh, was in the neighborhood, “ he began. He couldn’t think of a singular good reason why he would be here that didn’t involve a fervent desire to kiss her. So like all good men when forced to face an uncomfortable emotion, he lied. “I wanted to be sure that you were still eating,” he stammered, “You need to eat so you can keep doing good tattoos. I vouched for you and uhhhhhh, I don’t want anyone who listened to me to be disappointed by a sucky tattoo because your blood sugar level dropped.” 

He thrust the coffee and food into her hands. Before she could protest, he was half-way to an escape. “Thanks for the coffee, Beauregard,” she called out to him. She could see his body flinch but he kept moving. Rocky watched in despair as he made his retreat. 

What had happened? After their post-game chat, Tito had been reserved but still friendly. Now he was running away because of why she did not know.  Rocky replayed Kelly’s words in her brain. “If I were out of the picture, you would fall in love with him,” he had said. She sighed bitterly and added, “Yeah, but Kels, clearly he will not fall in love with me.”

 She turned to walk back into her section and looked around. She had two consultations and three appointments scheduled. She went to her table and sat down. She started the music but quickly turned it off when the starting notes of “Lover” began. Impulsively, she picked up her sketchbook and threw it across the room. Loose papers and notes tucked into it scattered on the floor. “Whoa,” JD whistled as he entered her section, “What happened here?” 

Rocky got down on her hands and knees to gather the papers to her chest. She placed her hand on a blank piece of paper and flipped it over. It was Tito’s tattoo design. Tears filled her eyes and she sat back on her heels. JD looked at the paper and then back at Rocky. Her face dissolved into tears. “Rocky?” he questioned, “What happened?” 

"Kelly broke up with me," she cried.

"What? Why?" JD resigned himself to getting down on the floor and sat next to her.

Rocky wiped her nose with her arm. "He wants sunshine and I am midnight rain," she explained to JD as if he would understand. The words brought Tito to her mind and she started sobbing again. "Beauregard would understand," she thought to herself. 

JD sat patiently and waited for a break in the sobs. He had not been sure when Rocky had shown up at the shop, boldly asking for an apprenticeship. He found himself unable to say no despite the fact that had never mentored anyone before her, something he had taken great pride in. However in the almost year later, they had formed a unique friendship despite their age difference. 

"I am going to assume that was some sort of Taylor Swift reference," he said drolly, "Care to explain it to the non-Swiftie?"

"He was this whole corporate life with the house in the suburbs and PTA wife," she sighed. "I was going to try to make it work," she continued, "but things changed and he didn't want to try anymore." 

"You mean he didn't want to try to force a relationship with a woman clearly in love with another man?" he asked gently. Her jaw dropped and she started to protest. "I saw Beauvillier leave," he added.

"Yeah, you saw him leave. He couldn't get out of here fast enough," she cried, "Clearly he isn't interested."

"I think the evidence points to the contrary," JD countered, "but his loss if that's true." They sat in silence for a few minutes. "You know, I think you are ready to end the apprenticeship."

Her head shot up, "Getting dumped twice in one day. That has to be a record."

"I am not DUMPING you. I am telling you that you have freedom to choose your next path," he explained. "You are ready, Rocky," he nudged her shoulder.

"You think I am ready to go solo, really?" Rocky asked in earnest, "What if I fail?"

"I have a feeling that you are going to fly," he leaned over and kissed the top of her head.

"What should I do about Tito?" She asked.

"I think that you shouldn't go from one man to another. If you are going to go solo, then go solo," JD spoke, "but potentially? Yeah, I saw you on Sportscenter and ship it. That's the right word, right?"

"You're learning, old man," Rocky joked.

 Daisy poked her head in the room, "Ummmm, I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I overheard about Kelly." Rocky looked up at her. "I canceled the rest of your day and tomorrow," Daisy added, "Pack up your stuff. I am taking you home and we're having a meeting of the 'Boys are stupid and they suck' committee. No arguments, Rocky. We are going to laugh and we are going to cry until you don't need to anymore." Rocky's eyes filled with tears. "See, you've already started." 

Hours later, Rocky stood in the guest bathroom of Cameron and Daisy's large home. She looked at her face. Her eyes were puffy from tears but she felt a wave of peace wash over her body. Daisy and she had discussed her future and what she wanted. As much as she felt a pull toward Tito, she could not shake the feeling that she needed time. JD was right. She couldn't jump from one man to another man. Rocky had spent her entire adult life committed to Kelly. It was time to spread her wings and fly. She felt confident that even if she crashed and burned that she was strong enough to make it on her own. 

She took a deep breath and picked up her phone. She noticed two things- no communication from Tito and a text from Kelly. She opened the text and smiled, "Rox, I miss you already but know that our destiny lies as best friends. I will be here waiting to see where your destiny takes you. You are capable of greatness. I'll love you forever."

She typed out her response to Kelly. Then she hit the dial button.

"Hey Rocky,” the voice on the other end answered.

"Is that job offer still good?" Rocky asked. 

"Yes, are you considering it?" The voice asked.

"If you still want me," Rocky responded.

"Pack your bags. I have a guest house you can use until you get settled. Can you be here in a week?" Cat smiled.

"See you then," Rocky smiled.

STATE OF GRACE

A WEEK LATER- ISLANDERS PRACTICE FACILITY

"Hey Tito," Kelly called to him as he exited the ice after practice.

Tito stopped and stared, "What the fuck does he want?" He thought to himself. 

Kelly held out a cardboard tube and Tito, "It's from Rocky."

"A delivery? From Rocky?" He called back, "Why didn't she deliver it herself?"

"I think you know why," Kelly replied dryly. Tito thought about the multiple texts and calls from her that he had ignored. "Just read the card," Kelly added before he turned to walk away.

Tito ripped the card open and read it quickly. 

Beauregard-

I hope this note finds you well. This is not the way I wanted to tell you but I am moving.

Tito's eyes snapped up, "You two are moving?"

"No, just her," Kelly explained. Tito tilted his head in question. "We broke up last week. In fact, the day I saw you at the shop, " Kelly added.

Tito thought back to the day. He had been so quick to jump to the wrong conclusion. "You idiot," he told himself, "You fucking idiot." He continued to read.

I tried texting and calling several times, but those have not been returned. I have decided to make a fresh start in a new city. All of my adult life has been bending myself and sacrificing my dream to allow Kelly to pursue his dream. I am going to some place brand new and testing my wings to see if I can fly on my own.

Tito smiled to himself, "Oh mon ami, Raquelle, you can fly. Oh how high you will fly."

I am sad to leave you and our friendship. I didn't want to leave without saying two things. First, I am thankful that fate brought us together as friends. Your friendship reminded me who I am, the part of me that I had hidden away to fit into the mold of what Kelly wanted and needed. I am Midnight Rain and that's okay. Thank you for accepting me and all my quirks. Not only did you accept them- you embraced them which helped me embrace them too. 

Second- I am thankful for the joy that you brought back to me. It had been so long since I felt the joy that I felt with you. I love you, Beauregard. I don't believe that our journey is over. In fact I think that you are just at the beginning of a wonderful life full of adventure and more importantly, love. You will bring so much joy  to the life of the woman who you love and she will be so lucky. So long for now. In the words of our Queen Taylor- "And when you find everything you looked for, I hope your life leads you back to my door. Goodbye, Mon Ami." 

He pulled out the sketch of his tattoo out of the cardboard tube. She had written- "Never forget the joy of hockey. Keep it in your heart forever just like I will keep the joy of you in my heart forever." 

"Goodbye Mon Amour," Tito whispered as he placed the drawing back into the cardboard tube, "No, not goodbye-see ya later."

THREE MONTHS LATER- BEAN AROUND THE WORLD COFFEE SHOP-VANCOUVER

The coffee shop was crowded with the morning rush. The barista greeted Rocky with a smile. In the three months since she had moved to  Vancouver, she had become a regular so there was no need to give her order.

"So what's your day look like?" Lauren, the barista from England, asked cheerfully. 

"I have an easy day today. Only two appointments and a consultation," Rocky answered with a grin.

"Ahhhh," Lauren winked as she rolled her sleeve so her new tattoo was prominently on display, "I'll advertise for walk-ins." Since getting inked by Rocky, Lauren had fed a steady stream or referrals over to the tattoo shop. The large black and gray realistic wolf was a showstopper and customers complimented her on it daily. 

"Keep that up and I'll have to give you a discount on that sleeve we discussed," Rocky quipped.

"Don't tempt me," the Brit joked. Rocky moved down to the pick up counter to wait for her drink. She faced away from the crowd and studied her phone.

Further down the line, Elias Pettersson stood with his new linemate. They had just completed a practice and workout. "So you are set in your airBNB?" The Swedish superstar asked, “No issues?”

Tito looked up as they moved up to the counter, "Yeah, I'm all set." Tito had been traded to Vancouver earlier in the week in a trade that the hockey media dubbed "The Bo for Beau exchange".  His first game was the next night, "I really like the area. It's got a cool vibe." Canucks players segregated themselves - the married players sought the comforts of the suburbs while the single guys stayed close to the active nightlife by the arena.

"What can I get you, Petey?" Lauren asked the Swede. After he gave his simple order, she turned to Tito, "and you?"

Tito rattled off his order, "Unsweet iced coffee with an extra shot with skim milk, 2 pumps of sugar free vanilla syrup, 2 Splenda and light caramel drizzle."

Lauren looked up in disbelief. What were the odds that TWO people would have that same, very specific coffee order? "Can you repeat that?" she asked. Just then the other barista that made the coffees called, "Order for Rocky." 

Tito shook his head in disbelief. Surely he had misheard. They hadn't said Rocky and if they did, it couldn't be HIS Rocky. He turned to see the petite pixie walking toward the door. Her hair was now a pastel pink but there was no mistaking that it was indeed HIS Rocky. He immediately chastised himself, "You have no claim on her, especially with the way she had left." Undeterred, he started weaving his way through the crowded shop while his mind raced. She was here in Vancouver. He was here in Vancouver. His path was blocked at every step. He stopped and yelled "Raquelle!"

She stopped and turned. It sounded like Tito but it made no sense. Why would he be in Vancouver? "No," she told herself as searched the sea of faces unsuccessfully, "You're imagining things." She turned back around and headed down the crowded street. 

Tito felt the air leave his lungs when she turned at the sound of his voice. She was here. It felt like a dream so he gave chase. Petersson  called after him, "Beau!!" The call landed on deaf ears as Tito made it out to the street.

Fifteen minutes later, a dejected Tito entered the coffee shop. He found Petey sitting at a small table with a bemused smile on his face. "Where did you take off to?" The platinum blonde asked as he handed Tito his coffee.  

"A girl," Tito spoke breathlessly,  "A girl I knew from Long Island."

"Let me guess. Her name is Rocky?" The Swede said although he had pieced together some info.

Tito took the coffee and sat down, “Yeah. I can’t believe she is here. What are the odds that we would be here at the same time?” 

“So this girl- is she an ex or something?” Petersson.

Tito paused before answering, “It’s complicated.”

Petersson raised a single eyebrow, “Men and women are not that complicated unless you make it complicated.”

“She’s the one that got away,” Tito sighed.

“So go after her,” the Swede replied. 

“You saw me try. She vanished. I searched, but if I didn’t know better, I would think she was a figment of my imagination. 

Now that the rush had subsided, Lauren walked through the shop- straightening tables and greeting customers. “Who is a figment of your imagination?” the beautiful brunette asked with a smile. 

Petersson answered, “The elusive Rocky who apparently is the owner of Beau’s heart.”

“You know Rocky?” she replied in her delightful accent, “it makes sense now.”

“Wait, what makes sense?” Tito questioned. 

“It makes sense you know each other. You have the same coffee order,” Lauren pondered, “You are the only two people with that order.”

“You KNOW Rocky?” Tito practically jumped out of his seat, “So she is a regular here? She LIVES here in Vancouver?”

“She moved here a few months back. She’s been a regular since starting at the tattoo shop- Pink Ink,” she answered, “She did my wolf.” She held out her arm for Tito to examine. 

Tito looked down and studied the tattoo. It was Rocky’s work all right. There was no mistaking her technique. He could tell immediately it was her design and work.  He head spun with this newfound information. Electricity ran through his body. Rocky- his Raquelle- was here. She was so close he could feel her pull him to her like a magnet pulling a piece of metal.

 Lauren studied him quietly but the realization hit her. “Wait a minute! You’re the guy from that video. The hockey one with the penalty box. Bloody hell, that’s you?….. And she’s the gal, right?” she exclaimed.  Tito smiled and nodded his head yes. 

“But that doesn’t mean anything now,” Tito said, suddenly filled with apprehension. They hadn’t ended on good terms. Well, more specifically he had acted like an idiot. What if she had moved on already? What if she had sworn off men altogether? Did he still have a chance?

When Tito looked up, she saw the questions in his eyes. “She said she had unfinished business in Long Island with a guy. I didn’t recognize her with the new hair. By the looks of it, her unfinished business must be you.” Tito’s jaw dropped when she continued, “Don’t just stand there. This is True Love. You think this happens every day?”

“Princess Bride!” Petersson exclaimed- proud that he caught the pop culture reference. Tito glared at him. “What? I am a man of many layers,” the Swede continued. 

“Where is that shop?” Tito interrupted as he stood up and started walking towards the door. “What’s the name of it?” He heard her answer, Pink Ink, and Googled as he walked. He smiled when he realized how close the shop was and hit the call button on his phone. 

Rocky puttered around her station, getting ready for the day. She overheard Emily, the receptionist, answer the phone. “Pink Ink where we specialize in sarcasm, good tattoos and fighting the patriarchy. How can I help you?”

“Hi….uhhhh,” Tito stammered, “I’d like to get a tattoo. I have heard good things about a Rocky?” 

“Oh yeah, Rocky? She’s one of the best,” Emily answered, “When did you want to come in??” Rocky stopped in her tracks to listen to the conversation. 

“Now?” Tito hesitated. 

“Sure, I’ll let her know that she has someone coming in,” the receptionist responded. “Can I get a name? Okay, great- see you soon.” Emily got up and walked to Rocky’s room. “Hey you have basically a last minute tattoo.” Rocky nodded her head in understanding as she finished lighting her candles and started her playlist. “Yeah, some guy named Beauregard,” Emily called as she headed back to the front. 

Rocky spun around and walked out to the hallway, “I’m sorry. What did you say the name was….” Her head turned as the front door chimed and the door opened. “Did you say Beauregard?” Rocky questioned. Tito walked in and Rocky’s jaw dropped. 

“Raquelle!” he exclaimed as he walked in, “Fancy meeting you here.” 

Rocky stood frozen in disbelief. She willed her mouth to say something. She willed her body to move. “Do something!” her mind screamed, “Do something.” She watched him walk towards in what felt like slow motion. Suddenly the message hit the message center of the neurons that controlled her body and her body launched into motion. She sprinted to him and threw herself into his waiting arms. 

“Beauregard,” she cried out, “What are you doing here?”’ Her brain raced for answers. “Do you have a game here? How did you find me?” she quizzed, “I don’t care. I don’t care. You’re here.”

“Well, you did say you hope my life leads me back to your door. So here I am,” he laughed as he swung her around. When he stopped to keep from getting dizzy, they stared at each other. Breathless, they stayed glued to each other- their lips nearly touching. 

Rocky’s eyes scanned his face. His bright blue eyes sparkled as she searched for any clue as to his thoughts or feelings. Internally, she questioned “What if he doesn’t feel the same? What if he is just glad to see his friend?” The doubtful thought was immediately met with the equally loud thought, “Take the chance, Rocky- take the chance.” She brought lips to his lips in a tentative kiss. The electricity jolted through their bodies and together, they deepened the kiss. 

“Mon Amour,” he moaned, “Raquelle, mon amour.” They kissed in the hallway, oblivious to their surroundings. 

Finally, Rocky broke the kiss and he set her down gently. She took his hand to guide him to her room. When they stepped inside, she turned to him and asked, “Wait, did you say Mon Amour?”

“Yes, I did,” he pulled her to him, “Rocky, I love you. I have loved you from the moment you shot me down and told me that you saw a whole world hidden behind my eyes.”

“But I live here now, Beauregard,” she protested. 

“So do I,” he kissed her, “So do I.”

“Wait, what?” she questioned, “You live here? In Vancouver?”

“Oui, I was traded earlier this week. Life literally brought me to your door, or coffee shop, to be exact.” he answered. When she looked confused, he told her the story about their almost meeting at the coffee shop. 

It was Rocky’s turn to kiss him, “Remind me that I owe Lauren that sleeve.”

“I owe her everything,” he smiled.

“Did you really want a tattoo or was that a ploy?” she smiled as she studied his face. 

“I definitely want a tattoo,” he laughed. 

“Oh?” she took a step back. 

He pulled up his shirt and pointed to his chest. “I am thinking of getting Raquelle right above my heart in a fancy script. Think you can do that?”

“I mean it’s the kiss of death for relationships. How long have you been with this Raquelle?” she mocked. 

“For about sixty seconds, but I have a good feeling about her,” he teased. 

“Maybe you should at least wait until after your first date,” she poked his chest before inhaling sharply as she caught sight of his abs. 

“That’s a good idea. I have an idea for the perfect first date,” he quipped as they fell into the easy rhythm of their banter. 

“What’s that?” she quipped back. 

“Have you ever heard of Taylor Swift?” he laughed, “She has a concert this summer near here. You might like her.”

Rocky laughed, “You are going to make me wait until July for our first date? So rude.”

“Fine,” he kissed her before he continued, “How about hockey? I know a guy who can get you into the Canucks game tonight.”

“Perfect first date,” she returned his kiss. Suddenly the words of JD rang in her head- Don’t jump from one man to another. Rocky pushed off of his chest and took several steps back. 

“Raquelle?” he questioned, “Did something happen?”

Rocky studied him for a moment, trying to verbalize her thoughts. "Beauregard, I like my life. I have a good job. I have good friends. I worked hard to create a life that makes me happy, and I am absolutely not changing it to fit into yours no matter how much I adore you."

"Raquelle, I don't want you to change anything for me. You're perfect exactly the way you are. Don't change a thing."

"I mean it Beau. I am not giving up my passion for you,"  she says as he inched toward her.

"I would be disappointed if you did," he said and took another step.

"You're really here in Vancouver?" she said, “Like for real?”

"Yes, I am," he said. 

“And you want to be with me?” she asked quietly.

“Yes, I do. I want it more than anything I have ever wanted before,” he continued. He placed his hand on her cheek as she smiled, "It looks like all along there was some invisible string tying you to me."

"You think quoting her majesty Queen Taylor will help your case?" she whispered as he stood inches from her mouth.

"I would call on the hockey gods if I thought it would help me," he smiled.

"Shut up and kiss me," she started to quip back. 

"Yes, Raquelle, yes Mon Amour" he cooed before he kissed her.

[kassymalone]

Your plots and characters are so engaging, how do you do it? Where there any books or book series that may have helped shape your style of writing, or did you just keep writing fanfics until your writing kept improving and you developed your own style?

Hello, quiet one! Thanks for the compliment, and the question!

I wouldn't say there's one particular book or series that inspired me. Last time I moved house, over 20 of the boxes were just my books! Not even kidding... I've got horror, I've got romance, I've got sci-fi, dragons, LGBT+, bildungsroman, thrillers, manga, high fantasy, reference books... it's a lot. Variety is the spice of life!

I think understanding why you do or don't like what you're reading is very important to engagement. The last book I remember absolutely hating was something I thought I would enjoy (haunted castle in Japan? Yes please!), but the writing was so verbose and the characters so flat, their actions made no sense in reality and there was a subplot about suicidal depression that seemed to disappear after the first chapter...? It was frustrating to finish, and I've always thought that a bad example can be an excellent teacher.

I was always called a daydreamer as a kid, not paying attention and 'away with the fairies' (which was completely true), but I was always thinking of stories. Even to this day, on the bus to and from work I'm thinking of the next chapters, playing it out twelve different ways before picking the one I like the most to actually write down. The second I don't need to be paying attention to the real world, I'm off with my characters seeing what would happen if things went this way this time...

God, this sounds pretentious. Sorry.

As for characters... what makes a character engaging is very difficult and highly subjective. My personal rule is 'it has to make sense'. For example, using Sun and Moon in the fic I'm currently writing, if I randomly put in that they enjoyed making bread, that would make no sense. They're robots, they can't eat, they hate mess, they don't like any humans enough to make the effort anyway, Sun doesn't have the patience for baking and Moon would just point out that there's sliced bread in the kitchen l already. Could there be another story where them baking bread does make sense? Sure, but the way I've written this one!

And finally, you've kind of hit the nail on the head - I have A LOT of experience in this. The first story I finished writing was 80 pages long, and I was very proud of it, but I was 11 so it was probably pretty bad XD I seem to recall there was a dragon involved? I've been writing ever since, both fanficiton and original stuff. I put it aside for a few years in my early twenties during those horrible years I was trying to be 'normal' (because none of the adults I knew at the time had any hobbies, so I thought it was something I had to grow out of, but that's another story...), and the second I picked it up again my mental health improved so much, I can't even tell you.

While my life-long dream of actually being published may never come true (turns out it's really fucking hard, who knew?), just being able to write makes me incredibly happy. I think wanting to do something really shines through in the end result, and if you're really engaged with what you're writing then the reader will be able to tell.

Plus, y'know... practice, practice, practice.

[my-naughty-writings-and-musings]

Can I request headcanons or scenarios where Mtmte Cyclonus, Megatron and Swerve went to their human crush while they were taking a bath/getting ready to take a bath?

You absolutely can because I love this scenario

Cyclonus

·He just wanted to stop by because he recalled something he'd been wanting to speak with you about, and the only reason he didn't knock was because you two had been getting so comfortable with one another lately...

·For all that he's seen, the moment he beholds you naked he's left blushing and stammering and frozen until he can throw his claws up to shield his optics. After that there's nothing but an endless string of apologies as he drops to his knees and begs your forgiveness.

·He's mortified near to the point of needing medical attention, but he feels even worse because one of the things he can't stop thinking of is how beautiful you are.

·Even with all of your reassurance he's gonna spend a few days locked in his quarters, staring out the window and occasionally curling up in the corner as he contemplates how he'll ever make it up to you. Also, for all the effort he gives, he can't stop thinking about how much he wants to see you like that again...

Megatron

·He just wanted to swing by and drop something off, and he wasn't even sure you were home, so he didn't bother to check. As a result he's more or less blindsided by the sight of you in the nude. This thirty foot warrior nearly topples over but he skillfully manages to catch himself and turn on the spot, power walking right out of the room.

·You receive several messages that are as verbose as they are apologetic, though you do find a few references to how hot you are scattered within, which actually look like they were left in by accident. Further inspection makes you quite certain the entire thing was an endless ramble recorded on speech to text that he didn't bother to proofread.

·By the time you've received a small novels worth of apologies, Ravage requests you come see him and accept them in person if you're so inclined, because this seems to have.... broken the big bot.

·It takes a lot of talking over his rambling to convey you're not mad, and when he finally gets that he seems to just... need sleep, as apparently this has been the most intense forty eight hours of his entire life. As you leave and his head clears up a little bit, he makes it clear that he meant what he said; you're the most beautiful being he's ever seen.

Swerve

·He just wanted to hang out for a little bit, he wasn't trying to make any of this happen, he promises. Also he's sorry, has he mentioned that? He probably did when he immediately covered his visor and tried to run out of the room, only to smack against the wall and partially pass out...

·He faints again straight away when he wakes up to find you trying to revive him in your towel.

·Once he stabilizes, he's beyond apologetic, trying his hardest to make you aware that he never meant for this and that he'd never violate your privacy on purpose. He's almost crying by the time he finishes his apology and you get the chance to assure him it's alright.

·The only problem is he has no way of eloquently conveying how incredibly attractive he finds you to be, so he just spits it out and runs away. If you're ever able to find him, your thanks will go a long way to helping him calm down.

[beansnake]

retirement + the future

Hey everyone!

I’ll cut right to the point: I am retiring from being a full-time artist. I’ll give further details below the readmore, but I know this will be a very long post due to my propensity for being verbose as all hell and don’t want to beat around the bush about the core update. Also worth noting this is a slightly edited copy+paste of a public post available on my Patreon. But tumblr hates links so... Anyway, onward!

Transitioning out of this job is something I’ve wanted to do for a while; it has been taking a great toll on me (multiple repetitive stress injuries a year, constant financial stress, and a huge amount of burnout), so I’ve been investigating other job opportunities for the last six months. I’ve finally found one I’m satisfied with in the form of a full-time remote position that I’ll be starting on July 11th.

I know this is a bit short notice – after all, the 11th is a little under two weeks away – but I didn’t want to make any grand announcements until this change was 100% locked in. Now it is, I wanted to provide some closure for the many, many incredible people who have been supporting me for so long. I also want to outline what will be happening with Patreon, any possible commission openings in future, and my art going forward.

I’ll split this into sections for easy reading: what I’ll be doing in the lead-up to the 11th (The Final Days), my plans for patreon/commissions (Art for You), what I want to do about art in future (Art for Me), and finally some words for my regulars/patrons (Many Thanks).

THE FINAL DAYS

As many of you are probably aware, I still have multiple commissions in my queue and some Patreon rewards to finish. I am also currently dealing with another RSI flare and my usual back problems. I had hoped to finish most of these in the past week, but I know all too well to not push myself when I’m in this state.

So! My tentative plans are: use this week to finish the Patreon pieces and stream them if needed to inspire increased productivity. Then use the remaining week to crack down on the commissions sitting in my queue. It is possible I will run over both of these deadlines due to my RSI flare, which I’ll discuss with those I’m working for right now. Please keep an eye on your messages/email if this is you!

ART FOR YOU

After finishing the commissions in my queue I will be closed permanently for commissions. It may happen that I’ll do the occasional paid piece here and there at my whims, but I have no plans to open regularly or publicly.

As for Patreon, this is something I want to discuss with my patrons. I think I’d like to keep it open as-is at least until the end of the year, but what I do after that is very open. I’m also not entirely sure how much time I’ll have a month to do rewards, so I will likely limit reward slots to 3-5 a month. This is a very ‘play it by ear’ situation.

Again, all of this will be discussed with my patrons – via the discord server and through the most recent post on my Patreon (sorry no link bc tumblr etc), if you aren’t in said server. Please give me your thoughts and input, you all have supported me through a lot of tough times and I really cannot express my gratitude enough.

ART FOR ME

You may be asking yourself, ‘Birov are you just not going to draw anymore?’ The answer is… I’ll probably always draw. Art has been the love of my life for years upon years. As much as I’ve struggled with burnout for the last three, I know I’ll never stop drawing permanently. The only uncertainty is how much I’ll be drawing.

My theory is that I’ll probably draw very little for the first few months while my brain resets and realizes art is something I can do for fun and isn’t just my job. After this period, I have the feeling I’ll be drawing a lot more than I currently do.

But who knows! I do know I have a lot of personal art endeavors I’d like to undertake and having a clearer work/life balance may actually encourage me to undertake them. I also want to get more into drawing for-fun fanart… The world is my oyster I suppose.

So the answer to this really is… I don’t know how much or what I’ll be drawing once I start this job. But I do know I’ll keep sharing whatever I do make with everyone. I just hope you’ll continue supporting me wherever my whims take me!

MANY THANKS

I’m not really sure how to start this section… I have a lot of very intense and deep-seated emotions about the overwhelming support I’ve received in the years I’ve worked as an artist. I’ve been so, so fucking blessed; I’ve worked with almost exclusively kind clients, grown a very tight and kind community, and been given so much love I literally cannot pay it all back.

To my beloved regular commissioners: as I said, I’ve been blessed to almost exclusively work with kind people, and you guys are the core of that. So many of you have been coming back to me year after year, asking after my health with understanding for any delays, and just generally being so good to me in so many untold ways. Thank you for trusting me time and time again to make your imagination reality. It was an honor of the highest order.

To my dear patrons: many of you fall into the previous bracket, but even if you don’t, you’ve all been taking such good care of me. Without Patreon, I would have been in such dire financial straits – especially with all of my health problems. Having both the financial security and the community y’all provided me with was seriously so life changing. Thank you for always telling me to rest, for working with me to create a system we all enjoyed, and most of all for being kind to each other as well as me. I owe you all so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you <3

To my followers (new and old, though some of you have been with me for OVER TEN YEARS!!): I wouldn’t be here without you. I can’t believe how many versions of me and my art you’ve all played witness to. Thank you for loving all (or almost all?) of them. I hope you’ll love where I go next.

So… That’s the end of it. Goodbye to Birov-the-Freelancer (for now, possibly forever). Thank you all again. I’m saying it a lot, but it truly is all I can do as I look back at my many years as a commission artist. I was lucky, is all I can think. It would be stupid on my part to not be insanely grateful.

Thus, for the final time: thank you for supporting me, loving my work, and being so good to me. And thank you for reading this incredibly long post. It’s kind of dramatic but I won’t lie, this feels like an insanely huge change in my life. I honestly at points never thought I’d do anything else but this. Forever. So forgive me the theatrics. Plus, it’s just my nature.

Anyway, I’ll end it here before I ramble anymore.

– Birov <3

[firewoodfigs]

it’s Saturday (finally)! here’s my shoddy attempt at consistency and journaling, and a quick summary of my disorganised thoughts 💃 no, I’m lying. I read through it and it’s not all that quick because my tendency for verbosity knows no bounds

This week was a lot more hectic than the past two. I spent Monday to Wednesday doing research and compiling them together into a knowhow, but Thursday and Friday were the worst because I suddenly got swamped with emails. Both days I had to work till / beyond midnight, and I still have about 200 more pages of corporate documents to proofread... I wanna scream just thinking about it LOL. I’m grateful to have a job during an economic climate like this, but sometimes it feels like everything is addled with so much uncertainty that I just can’t help but wonder if I’m doing the right thing with my life :’) 

I haven’t been using the computer as much, because a significant portion of my 24 hours is dedicated to using it, albeit for other less interesting purposes (also because my eyes are dying at the end of the day). And as a result, the rate at which I reply to messages and stuff have been slowing exponentially (I’m so, so sorry about this!!) but I’ll get to them soon <3 Just an update that your friendly chaotic online persona is still alive LMAO 

My creativity feels incredibly stifled this week. I haven’t been able to write anything without second-guessing myself, or without being overcome by lethargy or restlessness or self-doubt, or a regrettable mixture of all 3. :’) Hopefully the weekend will be a good time to recharge. I’m not planning to touch any work this weekend since it’s not as urgent as the other matters were, but this might mean that I have to work till midnight again on Monday and Tuesday LOL. But it’s fine. Priorities, ykwim!! (Weekends are a luxury and I’m not going to waste it like this LOL) 

Date nights on Thursdays are so much better than date nights on Fridays, although it does tend to make us both feel like the weekend is already here 😆 I mean, the fact that it’s so much less crowded is already a big plus to me. I know people call me out all the time for being a paranoid hen and whatnot, but I just freak out when people come too close to me in public in a blatant disregard of the concept of social distancing (one of my biggest pet peeves is also when people remove their masks to sneeze or cough in the open, which happens a lot here. I mean, you might as well not wear a mask, or you might as well just stay... at... home...). Also a lot of restaurants mark up prices on Friday nights and we got to escape that >:) 

I’m very thankful I got to squeeze in some time to spend with my bf and a couple of friends despite the sheer busyness of everyone’s week. The transition feels so surreal, and I know it’s been a lot harsher on some of my other friends too, than it has been for me. I’m glad that we at least have each other to vent to and struggle with, just like we did back in law school. Easier to struggle together than alone. :’)

On a related note, some thoughts I had about love and understanding last night - I think it’s easy to find love, if we just look hard enough and put aside the premium that society places on romantic love. Love comes in so many different forms - a simple gesture like a short text, an exchange of memes, an invitation to check out a new cafe together; from so many different sources - whether intrinsic or extrinsic, whether platonic or familial. But being understood has always felt like a privilege to me. A lot of times people just tend to think that I’m too “unexpectedly” deep or emotional or sensitive or intelligent, that I have a “surprising” amount of problems for someone who always seems so bubbly, or that I’m just downright eccentric (the last one is completely valid though LMAO). But I’m just so, so grateful to have people in my life who can understand me on an emotional, psychological and intellectual level, and that I don’t have to explain or justify myself for feeling a certain way because they just get it. It’s... validating. Different, in a good way. It’s so important to me because I truthfully don’t talk about my feelings a lot, although I’m trying to now because constant suppression is just a set-up for an inevitable explosion. :’) 

I got my pay check, and!!! The first thing I did was to set up a separate savings account and deposit a decent portion of my salary there so that I won’t touch it for the rest of the month (hopefully) :’) I also got to pay off a small bit of my current outstanding debts, which is great. I'm really looking forward to the day I finally clear all my liabilities. But yes, I think my 19-year-old self would’ve been very proud of myself for not spending it recklessly hahaha. I used to have terrible, and I mean really terrible, fiscal management skills. Like, when I was in first year and second year I was tutoring a ton of people, but somehow my funds were just always depleting uncontrollably. It only dawned upon me much later that I was not conscious or cautious when it came to my spending habits (s/o to my bf and friends for explaining this to me and for teaching me how to manage my finances!!! ilyall), and that I really didn’t have a habit of saving for rainy days or for the future, in general. I watched this documentary about how people from less privileged socioeconomic backgrounds tend to fall into this trap of ‘tunnel vision’, sans wanting to splurge on everything while they can because they never had the chance to do so in the past, or because they’re afraid that they won’t be able to do so in the future once the money’s gone. Being poor is also expensive because it means you might miss out on deals e.g. if buying 2 items is $2x-y, vs buying 1 which is $x, you might be more inclined to buy just 1 instead because it’s all you can afford at the moment. It definitely struck me hard, because I think when I first got all that money I didn’t think of saving it. I just wanted to buy a ridiculous amount of stuff (and real trashy stuff, because I used to think that quantity > quality especially when it came to clothes) and ~ treat myself ~ for roughing it out in law school, but hey, there are other ways to treat oneself apart from excessive splurging :^) 

My biggest treats this week were the arrival of my books (I ordered The Queen’s Gambit and Grapes of Wrath and I might just disappear from the face of this planet lmao), getting to spend quality time with my loved ones and getting to catch the sunset on my evening strolls! I’m gonna end this long ramble with a few pics of them ✨ stay safe and take care, everyone, and have a wonderful weekend!!! *hugs* 

[bespectacled-panda]

after seeing dumpywoof’s post I was inspired to do a tier list of my own!!! and boy howdy do I have some hot takes of the century it turns out,,,

the seasons are more or less organized in descending order within the same row as well (e.g. MC 4 > MC 5). also, shamefully copying dumpywoof & putting a detailed & overly verbose explanation for each season:

S Tier

Terraria 3: For me, absolutely nothing compares to Terraria 3. No other season combines such perfect participant dynamics with such heart-wrenching drama—not to mention the existence of Team New Kids who make me cry on a daily basis, or the incredible fake twist ending. It would be a sin to put this season anywhere but alone at the very top. Also props for being the only (1 of 2) post-show that actually includes all of the cast.

 A Tier

Minecraft 4: This is the best season for shenanigans alone, hands-down. It’s largely just the participants shooting the shit together, especially in the latter half of the season when it gets down to just the four of them. & I have a huge soft spot for men being wholesomely foolish together I suppose, so here it goes fhdhfhd.

Minecraft 5: To be honest, I have not seen this season since it released, which is a crime, I know, I’m sorry :orb: But I remember it being very very good, & I cannot imagine my taste will have changed that dramatically in just a few years, so. in truth, this one might be actually better than MC 4, but as I have not seen it in many years I can’t say that for certain. Either way, though, it’s definitely one of the best seasons out there.

MineZ 1: To me, MineZ 1 is the reverse of MC 4: low on shenanigans & high on drama. It’s pre-Todd era, but the editing in this one is honestly Todd-level, I would say. It’s so incredibly tense, especially the scene with McJones & PBG trying to escape the caves, and I feel like the sheer stress of it all brought out a new side of a lot of the participants, most notably Dean—who sounded genuinely agonized at times. A very very quality season all around, IMO.

Terraria 2: This season probably objectively deserves to be B tier, but I am it giving A tier for personal bias. I just,,, love the dynamics okay. Jeff & McJones especially made for a killer duo. It was a rare instance of McJones being the funny man himself rather than being the straight man to someone else’s funny man; he was super uncharacteristically goofy & almost borderline flirtatious at times, it really made for some good moments fhdhfjd. Plus then you got McJones solo commentary at the end which I greatly enjoyed. Just,, a very enjoyable season, very mid-HC era, very light & easy to watch, all that good stuff.

Diablo II: Man,,,,this absolutely 100% does not deserve A tier, I know, I’m sorry, but I just can’t bring myself to put it lower. I have A tier love for it :orb: Admittedly, the game is horrendously ugly and confusing to watch, but the shenanigans + the cast dynamics win me over in the end. Paul especially was great in this, & I hope he makes a return someday. Loving fathers Paul & Jirard with their sorceress son McJones making their way through the end-game just cannot be beaten. (Anti-shoutouts to Ross though, I don’t know anything about him, I am sure he is a lovely man, but GOD. WHY DID HE KEEP RUNNING OFF ON HIS OWN & GETTING LOST BUT THEN FORCEFULLY REFUSING HELP,,, ROSS YOU ARE THE WORST DHDHFJDJD)

 B Tier

Minecraft 7: Boy,,, this is going to be a controversial take fhhfjdjf. I just don’t know how to explain it, but something about MC7 felt,,,, Very off. I don’t know what it was, just something about the season seemed very,,, almost like you could tell things were falling apart behind the scenes, & they were trying to pull it back together but weren’t quite succeeding. It’s not a bad season in any regards, of course, I just,, don’t enjoy it nearly as much as a lot of others,, it’s missing that crucial spark of life in my opinion,, also Dean leaving to go to work was kind of strange,, I get it, it’s probably difficult to work around his real-life job,, but it felt strange,, he got like temporary immunity. Nothing like that had ever happened before I don’t think. And also they never even explained why Dean wasn’t there for like three episodes fjdjfjhd,,

Minecraft 3: God I feel like I just keep digging myself into a deeper & deeper hole here fhsjfjd,,, but man, I did like MC3 to be honest. It wasn’t the best season, it kind of went nowhere, but I liked the cast & there was a lot of good funnymoments. Smooth & Shane were very good guests who I feel like really rounded out the season, & Jontron did not come off as terribly overbearing as I believe that he has in other seasons. Overall, pretty decent, I’d say.

 C Tier

Minecraft 2: MC 2 & MC 3 are very similar, but I think MC 2 is slightly worse, both in terms of entertainment & cast. NCS & Kyrak did not hit like Smooth & Shane did,,, and I feel like just everything that happened in this one was fairly forgettable. I was torn as to whether this should be a B or a C, but I put it here in the end just to drive home that I really don’t like it as much as MC 3, I don’t believe.

Minecraft 6: Oh lord, this is a nuclear take fhdjfjd. Again, this isn’t a bad season at all, it has its good moments, especially Chad & Dodger, they are angels & I love them & want them back. But boy,,, just. Many things went wrong here. None of the twists panned out like,, at all, which I know isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault, the concept of this twist & of twists in general is very good. But it fell so flat here, especially with the revival. There was,, no debate at all about what to do. They hyped it up like they had this big decision to make, but then nobody made any effort to dramatize it at all. It was basically just Dean deciding by himself and everyone just sitting back & letting him. For the record, I have no qualms with the fact that Dodger was revived, I fully agree that she deserved it over McJones, but it was not played well at all IMO,,,      I do have to admit, though, with a fair amount of sheepishness, that the thing that most sullies this season for me is McJones’s death. Just,,, his horrible, so so avoidable, insanely early death, coupled with his retirement shortly thereafter & him becoming so jaded with hc that he expressed borderline hostility & hatred towards it just,,, hurts. I kinda don’t wanna see the events of MC 6 now knowing the aftermath. I understand fully that this particular point is not something most people care about to say the least dhfhdjd, but,,, in all honesty, I really don’t have any desire to rewatch this one, as objectively good as it might be. It was a win but it felt like a loss, if that makes sense. Also the post-show lacked all three people I actually wanted to hear from fhdjfjd neither the two people who could’ve been revived nor the actual person who did the reviving were there to share their insight & perspectives on it :pensive: 

 D Tier

Starbound: man,,, starbound. This is a very mixed bag for me. On one hand, I disagree with people who say that it was boring or that nothing happened, I found it very tense, Todd’s editing had me on edge throughout every episode. But on the other hand,,, man. Very few memorable moments, what even happened in this one,, also I feel like the game mechanics/plot weren’t explained very well, I feel like I remember being vaguely confused all the time as to what was happening. Probably will not ever rewatch either.

 Have Not Seen

DayZ: I will not ever be watching this season both because I do not know anything about DayZ & because from what I’ve heard it was an absolute disaster, I’m just not interested in getting involved in that fhdhfjdk

Terraria 1: There’s not really a reason I haven’t watched this one. Just,, I haven’t made my way down to the earliest seasons yet. Although as mentioned before, I have seen a few clips of this season, & Jontron seems to be pretty obnoxious in this one, so I don’t how much I’ll enjoy the parts with him in it, but I definitely do want to watch it someday.

Minecraft 1: The same as Terraria 1, I just happen to not have seen this one by chance. But unlike T1, I am much more looking forward to actually watching it, it seems really good, I want to experience that legendary very first season at last dhdhfjd

MineZ 2: Man,,, many things about the behind-the-scenes of this season make me sort of uncomfortable honestly. Just,,, the visceral second-hand shame & embarrassment of someone in the hc fandom being so rude & bothersome to the cast,, somehow it makes me feel personally responsible even though I didn’t do anything fhdjfj,,, Also,, once again continuing with the trend of me being saddened by McJones expressing dislike for seasons fhdjfjd,, I do recall him saying, regarding this season, something like “I think it would’ve been better if we just never did this,” which,,, ow. That doesn’t make me particularly enthused to watch it fhdjfjd. I probably will end up watching this season someday to be honest, but I’m not looking forward to feeling the cast’s frustration & unhappiness with the situation,, (EDIT: I want to be clear that there is no actual drama surrounding minez 2!!! it is a perfectly fine season, there is nothing wrong with it, it just happens that I personally am bothered by the fact that there was a lot of like,,, frustration coming from the participants regarding the player who was stalking them. this in no way means that minez 2 is an objectively bad or problematic season!! if minez 2 is your favorite season I completely respect you, there is nothing wrong with that!! there is a lot to like about the season as a whole!!! I just personally care too much about mcjones having a bad time in seasons bc it’s what ultimately led to his retirement, & that makes me sad fjdhfjdjd. but it has come to my attention that my wording made it sound like there was drama about minez 2, which there never actually was, I am very very sorry for my unintentional yet poor choice of words.)

[thronesofshadows]

No Light, No Light || Alain & Evelyn

TIMING: Today LOCATION: Evelyn’s home PARTIES: @carbrakes-and-stakes​ and @thronesofshadows​ SUMMARY: This song, but also: and they all lived happily ever after. Possibly. (Mentions of grief present throughout this.)

Evelyn’s house was much closer than his house and the road that led to it was a lot safer as well. What should I do? Alain wondered, as he waited for the road to be completely empty before he crossed it. He watched at every window, scrutinized everyone who walked past him and took a step to the side each time he crossed a person’s path. Who knew how long he had left. At least, if he managed to get safely to Evelyn’s, maybe he would avoid trouble at least for a little while. If only he had had any idea of how this worked. It was not as if he could count on Regan to explain anything to him, anything at all, as she was probably more clueless than he was about all of this. Talk about disillusionment. He did not have much time to think about what had just happened on the way to Harris Island, as he was too busy being careful about his surroundings. He did not hear much, and while he figured that it would probably slowly come back, the tinnitus went on and on. Maybe he would not stick long enough to get his hearing back. His attention lowered as he saw her house in the distance, although a person jogging his way was enough to startle him. He paid no attention to the way they looked at him : he had not changed, and he probably clashed a lot with the environment, but right now, he could not exactly worry about it. The door was unlocked when he arrived on the threshold, although he knocked on it before he pushed it open, and called out her name as he entered. Sitting down on the floor, he started taking off his shoes, and finally thinking of what he was going to tell her. How were you supposed to tell someone that you were going to die?

She wondered if she’d done something wrong. Evelyn played parts of their last conversation over and over again in her head - even though she knew she could have just gone back and reread something. Had he decided after all that they had to break up? Even if this was this case, she would be fine with it. That was what she told herself, at least. She was sat curled up on her couch, fingertips pressed against her thighs. She hadn’t worn anything fancy. Just jeans, a loose shirt, and a wrapped sweater. She heard the door open and heard his voice and she sighed for a moment. “In the sitting room. You can - you can come over.” She heard his footsteps make their way over and glanced up when they stopped. He was in his work clothes. He always changed before coming over. He hadn’t changed. She bit down on her tongue for a moment as she looked over and up at him. “Look, I am shorter than you are, right now.” A vague attempt at humour. “Sorry. You can - would you like to sit with me?”

The first thing he had done as he saw her was rubbed his hands against his ears. He had made sure to get rid of the blood before he stepped out in the street but felt as if there was still something wrong about his ears, aside from his hearing, which was still difficult. Alain stood still in the doorway for a moment, looking at her with a soft look in his eyes. Soft, and at the same time, sad and desperate. He had never been one to panic, but this was not something he had ever imagined doing. No one was supposed to know when they would go, leave forever. Nothing was ever so definitive. He read on her lips, figured that she was making a joke and smiled, just because she looked almost cheerful for a second. Even if they had not been together for a long time, her smile was something that was anchored in his memories, and that he had thought about lately. It was an odd thing to feel melancholy for something that was still there. “I’m going to get oil all over your couch,” he replied. Grimacing, he realized that he had no idea how loud he had spoken. Still, he was fully dressed under his work clothes, and so he got rid of them before he joined her on the couch. He put those outside, by the window doors. “I can’t hear well,” he finally explained. “But, that’s not…” He breathed out, heavily. “I… can you be open minded about what I’m about to say?” He glanced up from his hands. He had been fidgeting with his own fingers so far. Looking her in the eyes, Alain sighed. “Have you ever heard about banshees?”

She looked up at him and she could not help but feel something heavy sink in her heart. She could not place the feeling - any form of nervousness was incredibly foreign to her, this included. Evelyn continued to watch him carefully, not wanting to speak before he did. Not wanting to make him angry - if he already was. His responses online had all of a sudden become so short - and she wondered if something had happened. If she’d ruined everything. Not that she thought of him as consistently verbose, but it had been nice - talking about nearly everything. Unless it had been too much. She cared for him an incredible amount - more than she’d cared for anyone in a long while, which made all of this more nerve-wracking. “I-” she began, her mouth dry. “Of course.” She watched him take off of his work clothes and she took in another deep breath as he came over to sit down. “No, it is fine.” She looked down at his hands and followed his gaze as he looked back over to her. “Of course.” Was this it? “Banshees?” Her eyes grew wide for a moment. “I have - I have heard of them.” A pause. “Stories. Or - well, yes. I have. I am not too knowledgeable. Why do you ask?” She fiddled with the edges of her sweater, pulling it more tightly around her body.

He crossed his arms over his chest. He could hear his own heart beating, although it was neither this nor the ringing in his ears that bothered him the most, but rather the bubble of anxiety that had formed in his throat. He bit on his own lip and started nervously chewing on it. God damn it. “I am…” going to die ? sorry? How was he supposed to tell her this? “One of those screamed in my shop earlier, and… I was the only one there,” he rubbed his face and pinched at the bridge of his nose. His eyes tearing up, he looked away from her and remained silent for a moment. What was he supposed to say ? “Those stories aren’t just stories, and this only means one thing: imminent death,” you would have thought that this would have helped with the anxiety, but it only made it worse. Alain kept looking away from her, apprehending her reaction, what she would say about this.

“What?” She said, briefly stunned. Evelyn watched as he turned away, though she reached out to grab his hand, wrapping both of her hands around his one. Death. The word raced through her head and for a moment. No, no this was not happening. Not again. She felt sick. “No.” She said. “No, no.” Evelyn stood up and began pacing around her sitting room, hitting her hands against her thighs lightly. Repeated motions were supposed to calm you down, right? She wasn’t the sort to cry. Evelyn had only cried properly a handful of times in her entire life but her cheeks felt wet, all of a sudden. The salty taste on her tongue. She turned back to face him, steadying her breath as well as she could as she made her way back over to the couch, sitting down so that their faces were facing one another and she pulled him into a kiss for a moment, before breaking apart. “You cannot die.” It was all she could say, her voice unsteady. “I - I do not permit it. Strictly forbidden.” She wiped a few tears off of her cheeks. “I do not accept this.”

There was no way whose tears it was he was feeling against his lips as she kissed him. Alain knew how terrible this was for her, how cruel too. They might have not been together for long, but he was the second person she was losing this way, and even if this time, she would have time to prepare for this, who could claim to be ready. He clearly couldn’t. He always had figured that he’d die alone in a cemetery, but now, he was not so sure about it. Reaching out for her cheek, he held her hand as she wiped tears from her face. “I don’t think there’s anything…” Dropping her hand, he reached for her waist and pulled her closer to him, into a hug. “I don’t know if…” he couldn’t finish his sentence. Instead, he caressed her hair carefully first, then idly. What was he supposed to do, or say? He never meant for any of this to happen. He never wanted to hurt her.

Friday would be three years. Three years since she had gone for a run and come back to find her girlfriend dead in her entryway. Evelyn couldn’t focus. This week would also mark a month of being together - not that she had ever thought of herself as someone to count those sorts of things. Except, apparently, now. “There has to be.” There wasn’t, probably. What little she did know was that there was something involving fate. Not that she believed in that. She relished the feeling of his hand on her waist as she tried to steady her breath. Then a hand was in her hair and she looked over to him, kissing him again before she could think again, moving her body so that she wrapped both of her legs around his waist, resting her arms around his shoulders. “I cannot lose you, please.” She said, her voice strained. “I -”, she sighed, her lips quivering. “Please. Do not leave me.”

“You know,” he leaned his head back to look her in the eyes, “maybe if I stay here forever,” his eyes were still wet as he scoffed at his own words. This was silly. There was no way to avoid this, was there? Even if he felt okay, more than okay actually, safe, warm and cared for, he had a sword of Damocles hanging over his head, and whatever he did, or she did, it would fall, eventually. “I don’t want to lose you either,” his voice dropped into a whisper, and his chin resting on her shoulder, he remained silent, once again, for a little while. Alain repeated those words again, kissed her hair and sighed. The familiar smell of lavender which he had associated with her already was not too comforting this time. Still, he remained this way, his arms wrapped around her, keeping her close to him. Even if he was the first to say that nothing would keep this from happening, he feared that if he let go, this might be the last hug they ever share.

“You can stay here forever.” Evelyn whispered. “Whatever you want.” She didn’t dare move from where she was sitting. She hadn’t known that Melanie was going to die. She hated herself for it, still didn’t know how to forgive herself for going for that run that day. She could not realistically force Alain to not be out of her sight now, could she? Would he even listen? She ran her fingertips along his back as he leaned against her. “Good. We are in agreement on that. That is good.” She could feel his breath against her neck and she kissed his neck, gently. Broke away again after a moment, though still kept her body close to his. The tears were back again and she couldn’t help but let them fall this time, dotting her sweater and Alain’s shirt. “I just - you mean too much to me.” She bit her lip, removing one arm from his shoulder to bring his face up so that she could look at him. “I,” she began again. Love you. Did she? It was sudden, but she’d known that with Melanie a week into their dating. “I love you.” She said, before burying her face into his shoulder, a small sob escaping her throat.

“That sounds nice,” he agreed, speaking quietly. She spoke low enough for him to understand, and while he was not sure whether she meant to, he appreciated this, that they could at least speak about all of that. However, as nice as her offer was, he would never agree to it. Spending the rest of your life stuck in a house was no way for him to live, and if this thing worked the way he thought it did, he would die falling down the stairs or slipping in the shower. Not exactly a proper way to go for anyone. He looked at her as she spoke. To see her like this, because of him, felt too awful for words. Even if there was nothing he could do to fix it, Alain couldn’t help but feel responsible for this. And just when he thought that things couldn’t get more difficult, she had to say those words, words that he had thought of writing lately, as he texted her goodnight, or wished her to have a good day. Still, now that he was right in front of her, they remained stuck in his throat and he was thankful that she could not see the look on his face. “I… I know, I…” He sighed, this was not exactly how he planned for this to go. Kissing the side of her head, her hair, he fell silent and just held her close. “You know, you know,” if he couldn’t say it right now, in those circumstances, he was not willing to let go of her anyway.

Her heart felt tight in her chest. “I - I am sorry. I - I look quite terrible right now, do I not?” A poor attempt at humor, as her voice caught in her throat again. God, nothing had ever been quite like this before. Evelyn had never felt so shaken at the unknown. Usually she was incredibly keen on taking advantage of that. Though, she supposed, if what he said was true, it was not so very much the unknown. She ran her hands carefully across his face, over his jawline and then through his hair. She didn’t want to let go, because what would happen then? “I know. I know and you know much the same. Balance, remember?” She let out a small laugh, for a moment. Shrugged off her sweater, even though she felt colder than normal. Grabbed his hands and placed them on her waist, on her skin. “I need to remember what your hands feel like. I mean - I know what they do, but please.” She’d never been good at dealing with emotions, especially not significant ones. She wanted a firm confirmation that he was here, that this was not some sort of grand hallucination. “Please.” She said, words spoken against his lips.

"As beautiful as the day I met you," far from true. Her eyes were red, and cheeks wet from the crying, still, he looked at her like she was the most beautiful woman in the world. Alain shook his head, raising his hand to push a strand of hair off her face. "If you want, a friend suggested staying on the couch to make sure nothing happens to me," he meant this to be a facetious comment, although he truly had appreciated Nic's kind gesture. Another sigh. He leaned toward her hand as she touched his face, his hair. This all felt unfair. Unfair to him, unfair to her, unfair to them. "Balance, of course," he nodded and fell quiet. He just wanted to stay there and look at her, and her red eyes and her red cheeks and tell her how sorry he was for making her cry, hurt like this. Still her laughter felt like a warming ray of sunshine in winter. Her hands were cold as she took his own hands, but he did not make any comments, as he usually would have. "Okay… okay." Pressing his forehead against hers, he held her close, hands firmly placed on her back, on her waist. "I'll stay here, okay?"

“Shut up,” she said, “that is a blatant lie. I was not tear stained and miserable then.” Evelyn startled for a moment. “I mean - you know what I mean. But thank you.” She bit down on her lip, once again steadying herself. “You know, I think I like this idea. Staying, I mean.” She couldn’t focus, but still she could - just looking at him, breathing in his scent. Focused on him and him only, not anything else around them. She was grateful that he didn’t remark on her hands, and that he accepted her moving his own to touch her skin. Then his forehead was pressed against hers and she felt them breath in sync, for a moment. “Stay with me.” She whispered, a breath across his lips. “I am not going anywhere.”

[a-skyfull-of-starz]

Anime in the Time of Quarantine

This fine quarantine period, I have made it my mission to watch as much anime as possible, because I don’t know, I guess it’s better than wallowing in self-pity.  Here’s a list of everything I’ve watched to date and how much I recommend them, because I don’t know, I’m bored or something.

This list does not contain anime I’ve previously watched, because that would make it normal life anime. So don’t ask me why Shingeki no Kyojin is not on the list.  Of course it remains my favourite and I will continue to recommend it until my dying breath.

Also, this list is ordered in the order I watched them in, and does not reflect any standing other than that.  Also also, I get bored really easily, so if an anime doesn’t grab me immediately, chances are I’ll close it very quickly.  I’ve started a lot more anime than is on this list but got bored and closed it.  Hence, this list is almost entirely positive recommendations.  Also also also (I swear this is the last clarifier), I’ve been in a slice of life kind of mood, because my slice of life is boring and uninteresting to the extreme, so that genre is kind of over-represented here.  So with that being said, on to the list (sorry that it’s so long, I have an issue with verbosity).

Stein’s Gate: I started watching Stein’s Gate two years ago, but didn’t make it past the five minute mark, because I just didn’t get it.  I started watching it again a few weeks ago, and I still didn’t get it, but I persevered because I was bored and high on chocolate.  By the end of the first episode…I still didn’t get it. I continued to not get it until probably midway through the third episode, but when I got it, holy hell did it hit hard.  I absolutely enjoyed every second of this anime.  I loved watching Okabe’s journey from imagined insanity into actual insanity and then back again.  He went on a true hero’s journey, and I loved every second of it.  Miyano Mamoru gives a masterful performance (I always watch the subbed animes, and I recommend that everyone else does too).  The chemistry between Okabe and Kurisu is probably the best in anime that I’ve watched thus far (sorry Asuna and Kirito, your time has finally come).  This anime is rich with emotion, humour, tragedy, (some) romance, friendship, mad scientists and beautiful characters.  If you can stand being confused for the first three episodes, this anime will be an incredibly rewarding journey for you.  I highly recommend it.

Ao Haru Ride/Blue Spring Ride: I saw a clip of this anime in a seiyuu video and I fell in love with the art style and decided to give it a watch.  I have mixed feelings about this one.  On the one hand, the plot is interesting, although having watched similar anime, a lot of it is kind of cliched.  That being said, I did like the message of being true to yourself, no matter the cost.  And I appreciated the fact that Futaba (our main hero) wasn’t a stereotypical anime girl (although she really does cry a lot and I agree with Kou that it is annoying). I found Kou (our love interest) a very interesting and compelling character.  The clear winner of this anime though is the art style.  It is beautiful to look at.  Unfortunately, the first season ends on kind of a cliffhanger, and there doesn’t appear to be a second season coming any time soon, which is really disappointing.  If you like high school romance stories with an edgy bad boy in it, then this is the anime for you, but don’t expect a satisfying ending, because, well, there isn’t one.

Stein’s Gate 0: I watched this because my friend said that it made her cry after every episode (I personally didn’t think Stein’s Gate needed a sequel, but oh well).  Based on her recommendation, I went in with high expectations, which were kind of mostly unmet.  The plot was way more confusing, less compelling, it felt like the stakes weren’t that high, mostly because they were only introduced way later in the series (I know Stein’s Gate did the same thing, but it somehow felt more shoved in with this one) and because we already knew how it would end. Also the ending felt incredibly rushed. The only episode I really wholeheartedly enjoyed was the reunion between Kurisu and Okabe (sounds weird out of context, but I’m trying to remain spoiler free).  For the rest, I was left with mixed feelings, although I have to say, I probably love Okabe even more in Stein’s Gate 0 and Miyano Mamoru gives us another stunning performance.  I would probably have been happier if this entire series had just consisted of Okabe trying to move on from the fallout of what happened in Stein’s Gate and there was no drama of World War III.  So, I guess if you’re curious to see what happens if Okabe does not look for Stein’s Gate in the previous season, this is for you.  Honestly though, I’d probably be happier if I hadn’t watched Stein’s Gate 0.

Shigatsu wo Kimi no Uso/Your lie in April: THIS ANIME OH MY GOSH!!!!  I did not even know that this anime existed until I saw it on Kaji Yuki’s Wikipedia page (I’m a fan, so what?).  He’s barely in this by the way, but that doesn’t matter, because this anime is amazing.  I knew how it ended because I unfortunately saw spoilers when I was reading what the plot was about when I was deciding whether or not to watch this, and I still cried for about an hour after the ending (and I don’t cry easily, especially not with anime).  The writing here is probably the best in any anime I’ve watched (yes, better than SNK, the king has been toppled from his throne), the soundtrack is amazing (I’ve been listening to it on repeat for a week now), the acting is beautiful, the artwork is gorgeous (apart from Kosei’s disappearing glass frame, that was weird), and all around, this anime is just…perfect.  If you enjoy teenage romance and drama, if you love classical music, if you feel like bawling your eyes out for an hour because right now your life is pretty boring and pointless, then this is the anime for you.  And even if you aren’t any of those things listed, I still recommend this anime because it is gorgeous and deserves recognition for how incredible it is.

Welcome to the NHK: this is probably the direct opposite of Shigatsu wo Kimi no Uso in every way possible.  I haven’t finished this anime yet because it is extremely heavy, and I can only manage two episodes a night, but I still highly recommend it.  It’s a fascinating take on a lot of modern Japanese culture, specifically surrounding mental health, the hentai industry and consumerism. It’s also got a lot of black comedy in it, which I love.  All in all (and depending on the ending of the series), I highly recommend this one for its interesting writing and plot and excellent acting.  

Lovely Complex: honestly, this anime sort of crept into my heart as one of the most adorable, refreshing, hilarious and unexpected love stories of all time.  It basically tells the story of two idiot friends who slowly realise they’re in love with each other, how this impacts their friendship and how they navigate the very dark waters of teen romance.  If you’re looking for an uncliched high school romance anime, where the heroine is the opposite of a cute anime girl, where the broody handsome guy is not the object of our affection and where you get flashbacks of just how dumb you were as a teenager and how grateful you are to be out of that age group (if you’re my age I mean, I’m mostly talking about myself here), then this is definitely the anime for you. Also, the opening song is ska, how cool is that?

Orange: another time traveling story, except the time traveling is even more confusing here. Just kidding, the time traveling is probably the least interesting part of this story, which examines suicide, depression, guilt and bullying, and does it in a pretty mature way.  Our hero (dear lovely confused Naho) is unfortunately not very smart, but that’s ok, because she has Suwa, the best human being in the whole world, to help her out.  Honestly, this story would have ended very differently if Suwa had not been around and he deserves every award that can possibly be given to amazing human beings. This anime is sort of 13 Reasons Why, but in reverse, less exploitative and with better friends (you’ll understand what I mean when you watch it).  If you aren’t going to be triggered by discussions of suicide, depression and bullying, then I really do recommend this, as it is very interesting, well-performed, and largely well-handled.

So that’s my anime watch list thus far.  I plan to finish Welcome to the NHK soon, and then start watching Mushishi, as I’ve heard a lot of great things about it.  Also, now that you guys have seen what my tastes are, I would love it if I could get more recommendations.  Lord knows, I’m not going to be doing anything else until I can find a way home, so I might as well expand my horizons.  Also also…no, that’s it.  Have a good quarantine folks!

[z-exo-l]

Long-Ass Opinionated Word Vomit w some Gulf Kanawut Appreciation thrown in

(I’ve been putting off posting stuff about the special episode until this monstrosity was finished, and I think it’s as close as it’s gonna get, so hopefully tomorrow night I can actually rb all the beautiful TT posts in my drafts!!!)

WARNING for positive discussion involving the TharnType shower scene, and some vague shade thrown at SOME, NOT ALL, bl actors. Remember kids, this is entertainment, and we all take in entertainment differently. This is also extremely verbose (seriously I talk too fucking much, good god!) for a sentiment I could probably express in just a paragraph, so I’m sorry in advance, but I’ll try to get on with it.

Topic: I’m immensely thankful that Type was played by Gulf.

This is for many reasons, of course; I’ve said repeatedly in my tags about how much I love Type and how fully fleshed out he is, all thanks to the care and research Gulf gave the part. But one of the biggest reasons I’m grateful for him is the kiss scenes. And just so it’s clear that I’m not speaking (entirely) superficially, let me offer a bit of context:

Anyone familiar with live action BL knows what awkward kissing looks like. It’s gotten much better recently, but there are innumerable examples of a bl couple nailing the adoring stare, or doing perfect witty banter, only to fall utterly flat during kiss scenes. I shit you not, I’ve actually given names to some of the kinds of bad kissing I’ve seen over the years. (The Balloon Knot, the Pac Man, the Clench...etc)

It sounds quite comical, and sometimes it is but, and again, this is just my opinion, it’s very hard to believe an onscreen couple is into each other if they can’t kiss decently. And sadly the biggest cause I’ve seen of this is some actors’ reluctance to kiss another male. It’s not the case every time, of course! Censorship is to blame in some circumstances, or an actor being generally inexperienced, poor directing; there’s a plethora of reasons that aren’t related to underlying homophobia. I’m not suggesting some insidious conspiracy here.

I have to admit though, I went into TharnType pretty much expecting that sort of reluctant-awkward kissing. I wasn’t worried about Mew, because I had seen his love scenes in What the Duck, and I was vaguely aware that he was a member of The Community. So I was sold on him. I was just worried about This Other Guy (Gulf) back when I started watching the series, and I think that was a little before episode three aired. I had tried the first two eps, then a couple days later episode three was out. Which, as you know, episode three has the shower scene. Aka, the first mutual kiss scene. Let me do a quick (subjective) breakdown:

At first, Type’s mouth is Clenched (tm) shut, but he purses his lips first, and then he gives the biggest indicator that he’s at least somewhat enjoying what’s happening: he’s kissing Tharn back. He eventually pushes him away, but there’s confusion on his face when he tells Tharn to let him go. After that his expression melts. He doesn’t try to stop Tharn again, and even starts to caress and fondle him back. It’s not fully reciprocal, but it is close.

Throughout the whole episode to that point Type’s dealing with a burgeoning attraction to Tharn, someone that he believes he should still harbor hatred towards. It’s this mental conflict from the character that makes his hesitation in the shower kiss understandable. But even though it was in-character for that scene, I still wasn’t sold yet; I’m so jaded in this subject I *fully* expected the rest of the kissing scenes to play out as the Clench.

Then episode four happened. It’s worth noting that I started watching episodes live at that point, and in the live airing all you saw of that epic love scene was the first shot where Type grabbed Tharn around his neck and kissed him (his arm censoring the mouth-to-mouth contact, of course.) So after that I was still nervous going into the uncensored segment, compounded by Type’s lack of response during the overhead kiss shot. But the second they changed camera angles, and Type initiated that second kiss, holy shit, it was incredible!!! He was fully reciprocating, his expressions were on point, and there was no awkwardness to be seen. It wasn’t just good kissing, it was sensuous kissing, between two equally enthusiastic participants. Cut to me mentally eating my words.

Now with Type’s character background and resulting homophobia, lesser actors (I won’t name names but yes, I do mean lesser) would have taken that as an out for the kissing parts. ‘Wait, this guy’s homophobic, I don’t have be into the kisses! Phew!’ Thus giving us really unnatural love scenes. Instead what Gulf did, especially in those initial kisses, was convey Type’s desire overcoming his resistance through meticulous use of nuance. (Nuance is another thing I constantly praise Gulf for.)

But I don’t think that kind of portrayal would have possible if there had been an actor in the part with reservations *cough*homophobia*cough* about kissing other men. And ftr, Gulf said upfront that he didn’t see a difference between bl acting and doing a m/f character, long before the show aired. He said it was an actor’s job to portray whatever the character is. (And let me take a moment to squee about Mew’s proud thumbs up when Gulf said that.)

I think it’s thanks to that lack of prejudice, plus their indomitable chemistry, that Mew and Gulf were able to do such beautiful kissing scenes. Every single one is immersive and natural, so I didn’t doubt for a second that these characters were falling in love with each other. Additionally I wasn’t sitting there wrinkling my face wishing they’d just be done already. (Quite the opposite, in fact, but I digress.)

All of this babble just to say, that I’m so grateful for the Type that Gulf gave us. And like I said, his talent extends far beyond love scenes. How many of us cried during episode four when Type talked about the molestation?? And the confession in episode six??? How many of us at the end of the series found ourselves in love with a guy who made his roommate’s life hell just for being gay way back in episode one??? I won’t keep rambling but seriously, someone give this guy an award, ANY AWARD, he’s such a great actor and he’s a frigging ROOKIE!!!

Tl;dr. Mwah, Gulf Kanawut. Thank you. ❤️

[precuredaily]

Precure Day 159

Episode: Yes! Precure 5 11 - “Nozomi and Coco’s Hot Air Balloon Ride!” Date watched: 19 November 2019 Original air date: 15 April 2007 Screenshots: https://imgur.com/a/ytsGyVm Project info and master list of posts: http://tinyurl.com/PCDabout

oh yeah, it’s that episode

Every once in a while you come across an episode of Precure that is absolutely iconic. Nozomi and Coco’s balloon ride is one of those, because while we knew Nozomi had a thing for Coco, this episode shows us that there might actually be some chemistry here, and it’s not just a young girl’s naive crush. It also sets Nozomi down the path to finding her dream, aside from helping Coco. So let’s explore how it all happens.

The Plot

Nozomi is doing abysmal in her math class (it appears to be basic algebra), so the other girls propose a regular study group at Natts House. Rin and Urara manage to get a grasp on their work by relating it to their interests, but Nozomi doesn’t get it and stares out the window, noticing a hot air balloon in the town park. When Karen calls her out for not having made any progress, she blows it off and says she’ll get Coco to give her the answers, prompting the others to say they’ll leave her behind and form Precure 4. This bit of tough love is meant to motivate the dreamy girl, but instead she gets upset and runs out of the house. Coco quickly chases after her while Nuts advises the four that their approach probably wasn’t going to help Nozomi, but that Coco is good at reaching out to people and helping them.

After promising not to just take her back to Natts House, Coco leads Nozomi to the balloons, where she is enamored with the whole process and asks the pilots lots of questions about how the balloon works. They offer to give her a ride, and after noticing Natts House from up in the air, she opens up to Coco about her childhood. She has always had a hard time learning, lagging behind her classmates. Coco quizzes her about how the balloon works, and she answers correctly, showing how she can learn when she’s interested. Coco advises her that studying is similar to filling a balloon with hot air, so that when you find a dream, you can fly towards it. Then he thanks her for supporting his dream, and tells her it’s okay to put it in second place if she finds a dream of her own. Some turbulence sends Nozomi tumbling into Coco’s arms in a pseudo-hug, causing her to blush deeply at the closeness and his kindness.

Unfortunately, Nightmare is around to ruin the tender moments. When the balloon lands due to the turbulent weather, Arachnea turns it into a Kowaina and it flies off above the clouds with only Nozomi and Coco on board. Nozomi transforms and starts to fight, but is overpowered. Coco tries to tell her to save herself rather than protecting him, but she refuses to do so, because her dream is to make his dream a reality. On the ground, the other four girls can see the fight going on in the clouds but they can’t reach it. Ultimately Rouge gets a spring boost from Aqua and Mint and manages to land in the clouds just in time to rescue Dream, with Lemonade following suit shortly. Together, the three girls manage to defeat the monster and Arachnea retreats to lose another day. Not to be left out of the action completely, Mint and Aqua use their special moves to safely guide Rouge and Lemonade back to the ground. The four friends call out to Nozomi and Coco that they’re sorry, and hope to see them back at Natts House. Nozomi explains to Coco that she’s not only fighting for his sake, but believes that making his dream come true will help her self-confidence and aid in finding a dream of her own.

Back at school a week later, Nozomi has improved her score on her latest math test from an 18 to a 35.... and reveals she also read a thick book about hot air balloons in the same time period. Karen, willing to take small victories, challenges Nozomi to score at the class average on the next test, while Coco looks on in admiration.

The Analysis

Sorry the summary was pretty verbose, there’s a lot to cover and i still glossed over some points I want to discuss in this section.

First of all, I’m not a doctor, but it looks to me like Nozomi is exhibiting signs of a learning disorder, such as ADHD. She has difficulty focusing on one thing at a time, she struggles with basic concepts, she gets easily distracted, but when she finds something she is interested in, she can understand it easily. The episode doesn’t acknowledge this possibility at all, though this could be because Japan has a much more negative stigma to the idea of mental illness, and Toei presumably didn’t want Nozomi to be known as the Pretty Cure with a disorder (even if it could be a good way to change the conversation). However you slice it, can’t-study Nozomi is kinda super relatable.

It’s a really good look at how to handle learning difficulties, and why education is important, especially when you’re struggling. Nozomi does like learning, but her difficulty comes from not being interested in the subjects being taught to her. I’m sure everybody out there has had this happen at some point in their lives, and I think it’s wonderful that they broached this topic. Trying to relate the subject to something you are interested in is a good tool, or otherwise approaching it from a different angle. Formal education kind of struggles with this, it’s very structured and inflexible in a lot of ways, but if you can find a way to make a topic appealing to you, you might be able to understand what is being taught. And Coco’s speech on why it’s important to learn is not only core to the show’s themes, but all around good life advice. Education gives you the tools you need to succeed at your dream. Knowing math or history or reading classic literature may not be useful in your daily life, but understanding how to absorb and utilize information is a valuable life skill. The metaphor with the hot air balloon is actually very clever, and betrays Coco’s wisdom. As Nuts said, he is naturally good at approaching and helping people with their troubles, and that’s on full display as he gently guides Nozomi towards appreciating herself more.

The other side of this is that Coco is genuinely grateful to Nozomi for trying to help him achieve his dream of reviving Palmier Kingdom, and he wants to help her find her own dream, because after all, his has a more definite endpoint. He tells her that he doesn’t mind taking second place if she finds something she’d rather do, but she lets him know that, by helping him, she’s learning more about herself and what she wants to do, and this in turn is going to help her find her dream. Not to spoil too much, but across these two seasons, Nozomi does find something she strives for, and it’s really cool to see, in this fairly early episode, that she’s aware that helping Coco is more of a stepping stone to helping herself, not an end goal.

The most obvious reason this episode is remembered is because it’s a step towards Nozomi and Coco becoming closer, romantically. Nozomi had a bit of a crush on Coco from the moment she laid eyes on him, but that hasn’t really been fleshed out much since then, because they’ve been busy worldbuilding. Now they’ve got a full team of Precures, Nuts has been revived, a smattering of Pinkies have been caught, and each Nightmare staff member has been defeated a few times; so we can look at romance again. Nozomi still has heart flutters when she’s close to Coco, and she gets really embarrassed when they accidentally hug. Coco, meanwhile, isn’t showing any stereotypical signs of love, but he did chase after Nozomi, he went out of his way to console and help her through a really hard situation for her, and he thanked her for her role in helping him. She was the first person to help him, and she did so without question, and that’s incredibly important to him.

It’s cute in a shipping sense but also honestly Nozomi and Coco are a great couple and it’s nice to see a mutual love story, as opposed to the one-way romances from the previous shows.

On another positive note, this episode gives us some memorable lines, such as Nozomi’s “I don’t understand what I don’t understand” and some quality faces. I’m not going to post them all, so check the gallery. BUT I did get this great gif. Use it however you want.

The only thing I can criticize about this episode is also the art. There are a LOT of shots that are just not very good. Noodle people, distorted faces, you name it, it’s here.

Even in this sentimental moment, Nozomi’s hand is really small:

It’s not awful but it’s just off enough to stand out. However, a little sketchy art isn’t enough to bring this down from being a great episode. It’s a quality series.

Next time, we have another memorable episode, for a different reason: Urara as a stage show MC. Look forward to it!

Pink Precure Catchphrase Count: 2 “Kettei!”, one in flashback, but it counts.

Also, we got one of Nozomi’s less common sayings, “Nantoka naru naru!” or “It’ll work out some way or anothers!”

[shkspr]

Pt 1: WARNING AND DISCLAIMER: epic highly ignorable essay incoming. Also I know nothing about Taylor Swift personally and her sexuality is her business, I just wanted to make a song interesting to me and it went better than expected. SO I’m finally listening to ‘Lover’ and I gotta say—‘He Knows’ is one of the least interesting songs *until* you pretend it’s from the perspective of a lesbian mocking men for assuming they have power over her.

Pt 2: For starters, try exchanging “I think he knows” for “he thinks he knows” and see what happens. Then consider that for a song supposedly about her being head-over-heals, any information about her emotions is almost entirely filtered through what he believes. Now this is the stretchiest bit, but even the “He got my heartbeat” verse, which seems most blatant, is curiously phrased ... *is* her heartbeat skipping, or is he imagining it—

Pt 3: ie he’s “got it” skipping in his own mind, where after all the rest of this song is located? This is more striking when compared to the preceding verse, in which “He got” indicates not something he accomplishing (ie, making her heart quicken) but merely something he has in himself—in this instance his appearance. This throws into question the perspective of rest of the verse, and even without that, it’s so curious—“Got that, oh!” Could almost be “oh you think you’ve got that, eh?”

Pt 4: Then the reset: “I mean,“ ie, ‘in other words,’ followed by “wanna see under that attitude”—deeply ambiguous; does he want to see or does she? Either way what would they find—there is no confirmation it would be love and not indifference on her side or arrogant self-absorption on his? And finally, “Like, I want you, bless my soul” could that sound more performative, even without the double-meaning of ‘like’ as ‘likeness, being the appearance of something without being the thing itself'.

Pt 5: And if such is the case, the only part you are left with that is certainly from her perspective is the “he got that boyish look” verse, which—hoo boy. Setting aside that the very next song specifically states suspicion of boyish men while on the other hand gnc woman are frequently described as ‘boyish’, we get “I am an architect, I'm drawing up the plans,” which says nothing about what her plans are, only that for all his ‘knowing’ she is the one in control. This is reflected in the car—

Pt 6: in which she asks him where they will go, and he believes he knows the answer, but in reality she is the one driving, and she never states her intentions nor assents to his assumption. Next comes “no one understands” which in a song all about a man who assumes he understands her feelings without her having spoken them is just, *ALL the side-eye*.

Pt 7: Finally, this big picture reading contextualizes a series of details: “his footprints ... lead to where I can’t stop” which if you pay attention actually implies she’ll walk right on by without stopping when she reaches him. Then “I don’t gotta tell him” from a woman whose songography revolves around songs of emotion that might be hidden from the world but she passionately speaks or wishes to speak to her lover, and which really kinda sounds like a deeply sarcastic “why should I tell you?

Pt 8: You’re so convinced already” to someone whose got it all wrong. And then her entering his home results in her taking control (again) of the space and *him* wanting *her* to stay—yet the converse is never acknowledged. Also “he better lock it down / or I won’t stick around” like??? And of course “he’s so obsessed with me, and boy I understand” which only acknowledges her understanding of his obsession and by no means must indicate that she returns it.

(conclusion to the Swift rant coming an hour later because i managed to meet the anon limit and tumblr made me wait, i am so very sorry for my incredible verbosity): "Finally, driving is described as, “following the sparks,” implying the sparks are in fact *not* in the space they occupy?? In conclusion I’m not saying Swift necessarily intended anything like the meaning I just described, I’m just saying I’m a petty gay and this song is mine now.

listen first of all never ever apologize for shit like this bc i eat it up and im so enthralled. youre absolutely right and i applaud you. thank you very much for blessing me with this important thesis i am honored. you are truly braver than any of the armed forces im so proud of you keep up the good work you funky little gay seriously this was such a fun thing to wake up to 

[cuddleslutloki]

Hi! I’m a trans guy myself and I want to write porn with trans men. Personally like uh I’m not comfortable using words like pussy but I’m fine with vagina or clit in description of my own/other trans guys anatomy. I would want to make my fics the least triggering for trans audiences as possible though. I rarely see it, but sometimes I see fics refer to males clits as penises. Is that something I should do? Do you know the proper anatomical terms for trans women too?

so the important thing to remember, as with any writing, is there isn’t so much a “should” as there is a “what’s the most common style this demographic is used to?” 

if you spend too much time focusing on what language you want to use, then you’ll never write your story. pick what you personally are comfortable with and go from there. i’ll talk a little about my personal opinion on it and then also about how to describe trans woman and uhhh this got long lol i’m kinda verbose, sorry.

trans men aren’t very commonly written, so i don’t know that there are set genre standards. when i wrote tell me i wrote amab language for loki’s body, but then with cake i wrote afab language, so a lot of it does come down to the author’s personal preference, i think. there are a lot of guys who are incredibly averse to afab language, which i totally get and there are a couple ways around that.

you can pick afab or amab and just go with it, or you can skirt around it. an example from a piece of original fiction i’ll be self-publishing later this year:

The grin melted away as soon as Ryan’s tongue was on him. Ryan dipped down and licked his hole, fucked into him to taste his fill before sliding back up and pressing where June was hard and swollen. Where he needed most.

so there, because i didn’t really want to get into the specifics of describing june’s anatomy, i just went almost generic with the way i wrote it. i mean, the readers are going to know what’s happening, y’know? you have to trust that your readers will understand what’s going on in the scene, but it’s also good to have someone you trust do a quick read-through so they can say “yeah this works” or “this feels off”

idk if there’s really a safe choice, because i’ve seen guys saying that language either way can make them uncomfortable. like i’m fine w/ my clit being called a clit, with my vagina being called my vagina, and with having it called me pussy or my cunt bc like.. it’s what i’ve got lol. i also personally enjoy taking language that is seen as traditionally for feminine bodies and using it for myself or my ftm characters bc to me there’s something fun about highlighting the differences. i’m in a very fortunate position where i like my body and i like being trans, it’s something i have a lot of pride in and i tend to write my characters feeling the same way. like…. this is my male body. it’s different than most male bodies, but this is the one i have, and it’s been good to me, i love it.

when i’ve seen trans men talk about not liking amab language it’s usually because to them it highlights the differences in a bad way. where it’s like “well i don’t have a penis, i have a clit, and seeing a clit being called a penis reminds me of what i don’t have”

but again, being bogged down with concerns over the specific type of language you use will make it so you never write. after a point you just need to kind throw your hands up and say “fuck it” and write what you want. it’s your story. 

as far as with trans women, when i wrote sugar cookie i used amab language. loki has a penis and balls in that story bc loki in that story is happy with her body. she likes what she has, and thor loves what she has, so it was important to me to describe her body that way to show like “this woman has a cock, and this man who thinks she’s beautiful and charming is going to suck it”

but on the flip side i have an original romance that i want to write, and in that story i do want to have a sex scene where the female character hasn’t had bottom surgery and she gets hard and i want her male love interest to remark on how her clit is hard bc i do find that kind of like.. gender affirming dirty talk very sexy.

when we write the language we use creates the tone, it creates the world, it creates everything 

so what do you want to say about your trans characters? is the point of the story to highlight their differences in a positive way? or are you aiming to have how they’re different just blend away into something that’s not really worth pointing out?

in my experience, whether someone is triggered by language usually comes down to how it’s used, and how it’s presented.

just write what you want and finish the story first, then you can always go back and make edits and changes as needed ;]

hope this helps!

[rerwby]

Volume 5 OST

I don’t normally have such verbose opinions on the RVVBY music (it’s like writing a review for fiberglass insulation) I managed to sit down and listen to this album the whole way through. My feelings on these tracks feels like a culmination of all my feelings of previous RVVBY music. I won’t try to be lengthy about this but I got some solid thoughts.

First of all, can we just collectively agree to stop making every fucking RVVBY song put on Youtube use fan art? Like can we just get a solid fucking static picture of the volume cover art maybe? I’m sick of the mediocre ship art used for goddamn everything and it looks incredibly unprofessional. Also since these are RT fans you know they don’t give a flying fuck about credit.

The Triumph Not to kick this off on such an upbeat note but this is one of my favorite OP’s. Maybe my favorite. Maybe. I could not fully appreciate this song when the episodes were coming out because the opening itself was the biggest trashfire to come out of this show. Like, sorry I can’t get hyped up on 10 seconds of Ruby and Ren and Jaune sitting on a couch. Listening to it alone though? Big improvement.

Jeff Williams does this thing where he’s clearly way too proud of his proud choice and rhymes, and usually lines end with a big focus on stupid vernacular. Trust me, this will come up later. The Triumph manages to avoid that. This Will be the Day does as well because it’s a pretty hammy song with a better, more consistent tone. “Back to reality, back to the show” is an awful, terrible, horribly ironic line in the context of Volume 5, but it’s not as in your face as it could be, so it gets a pass from me. I also think “That’s when you learned you were messing with gods” is awesome, sorry. It could be more awesome if these characters like, seemed more like gods? And they don’t? So eh.

Then the second verse happens and it calls back to the first with “Yeah I’m a girl but I’m also a god” and I’m like, oh, so you’re just gonna- oh, okay then. Yeah let’s just beat the one good part like a dead horse, sure. That really ruins the song for me ngl.

It also manages to avoid the formulaic trend of post-second verse slow sappy breakdown. Time to Say Goodbye and Let’s Just Live do that and it gets old after a while. If you’re gonna give me hype music then stick with it. Not that Let’s Just Live really hypes you up.

Overall it’s like a 7/10 for me because it has a good pace and it doesn’t scream “look at how clever I am!” at every turn.

Ignite The song I was most excited for and the most disappointed by. I wrote about it here and I’ll try not to do anything more than summarize what I said there.

It’s obnoxious and the lyrics are way too dumb. Not funny dumb, not hammy dumb, nope, just dumb. It’s not even in the style of Yang’s usual dumbness, which by all accounts should now be under Armed and Ready’s foot since that is now the prime Yang theme. The major problem is how obvious these issues are. Like you can’t not hear how bad the writing is.

Then Lamar comes in, and I usually enjoy him since, like I said above, he brings with him some hammy, corny lyrics that manage to be fun. But he’s phoning it in here. He’s mumbling and tripping over his own words. God I didn’t even understand what mumbling truly sounded like until I heard that verse.

4/10 and I hate to write that on a Yang theme but this song is everything wrong with these soundtracks.

Path to Isolation Which brings us to my favorite annual game of “Count How Many Times a Weiss Song Uses the Word ‘Mirror.’” Spoilers: it’s a handful.

It’s fine. Weiss songs have always been fine. The worst thing I can say about them is that you have to dredge through their slow-ass, repetitive openings to get to the good part. 5/10

All Things Must Die aka “Slow And Brooding Villain Song That Turns Into a Rock Anthem #5″ aka “Sacrifice And Divide Did It Better But Even They Were Only So Good” aka “We’re Not Even Going For A Subtle Title Here.”

I don’t even know whose perspective this is sung from anymore. Like Cinder is our designated villain song candidate but she has like no autonomy this volume so that falls flat, meanwhile Salem still has no clear motivation. Hazel and Adam might be the most developed(?) bad guys this volume but this song has nothing to do with them. 4/10

This Time (From Shadows Part II) I’m writing about this one before Smile for a reason.

A song called From Shadows Part II deserves better, lol. Also given the fan art uses on the version I found posted, this is a Blake+Sun song? I don’t know. It starts with the beautiful piano solo from the original which was godlike and relaxing and also dramatic.

Lyrics are just shitty but in a shocking twist they’re hard to hear other than THIS TIIIIME in the chorus which...I’m fine with. I’m legit convinced that the fewer lyrics you can make out in these songs, the better. This all sounds rather nice and has a good flow to it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s kinda just trash. Absolute filler. Fluff. Churned-out melodrama to keep the White Fang kindle going.

Also I guess in hindsight it’s weird to have Jeff singing here since this song is supposed to represent Blake moving on with new resolve. Like before it was clearly Blake and Adam singing, but now it’s Blake and...Sun? Adam again? Like some non-canon reformed Adam? Idk. At least it’s tonally a good contrast to Part I. It’s easy to listen to the song without focusing on the lyrics which is rather soothing, but it’s still nonsense. 5/10

Smile (From Shadows Part 0)

No yeah I made that part up, but I think this song is a better From Shadows Part 0 than This Time is a Part II. I’m dead serious. They gave us an Ilia song and made it more interesting than her character is in volume 5, if not extremely on the nose.

Because my god, it’s on the nose. It’s just Ilia’s backstory about blending in to avoid all the pain your oppressors brought you and biding your time until you can rip the smiles off their faces...oh I don’t think that’s how Ilia’s backstory went. This is much darker. Very Count of Monte Crisco and dare I say actually interesting. It makes Ilia sound way more compelling than Blake while also making her out as a foil to her. Except I don’t know why the fucking hell the character presented in Smile would ever join the White Fang, especially under Adam’s authority, and then follow him so blindly. But I guess as of last volume’s OST we should be use to that disconnect between show plot and music lore.

7/10 for being accidentally interesting.

All That Matters

It’s....fine? Fine-ish. Obligatory slow and sappy song because ofc. Casey at least sounds like she’s in her comfort zone. It just doesn’t mean much to me.I guess it’s the theme of the girls being back together but I have my own issues with that, which is mainly that three of them were already reunited halfway into Volume 5 and it was only Blake’s arrival that really pushed them into sappy territory.

5/10 it’s not bombastically terrible enough to merit a lower score and not interesting enough to be higher.

I’m Her Daughter After All - RVVBY Volume 5 Official Score

I don’t know why this song is here because it’s an actual non-lyrical official part of the soundtrack, which is mind-blowing. You’d think Jeff was contractually obligated to have his blood’s voices dip their toes in every track.

It’s a nice medley of Yang’s themes, namely I Burn and Armed and Ready. It also makes you appreciate how Yang’s musical themes have actually evolved, unlike those of the other characters. Why do we have this Western thing going on? Qrow had it too in Bad Luck Charm. I don’t mind it since I think it’s kinda neat, but 6/10 for being a random score track.

Mayday! Lancers! - RVVBY Volume 5 Official Sc- wait

They did the score thing again. I don’t know why. I also forgot the Lancer scene actually happened in Volume 5 until I heard this. Like, Weiss did so little in Volume 4 that I’m attributing stuff that happened in V5 to last volume.

It’s fine? It’s nice to have a non-lyrical Weiss song, actually. 5/10

Armed and Ready ie The Appeal Of The Original Was Lost On Us

This song did not need a remix lol. Armed and Ready is actually damn good, is a great proper evolution of Yang’s theme that successfully moves her out of the shadow of I Burn, and was a really, really good climax to her recovery arc. This turns it into a dance remix, which ironically is the exact sort of thing the original moved her character away from. 4/10

Gold (Acoustic)

As I listened to this I realized it wasn’t just the original vocals played over an acoustic cover; Casey actually re-recorded the song. That’s blowing it out of the park for a RVVBY remix. Also it’s like, good.

I always liked Gold for whatever reason. I just thought it was uplifting and it did the nice thing where the lyrics are simple and flow well. The loud instrumentals had me unsure if it made for a good complement to the lyrics or if it was just a bad choice. This just sounds wonderful. Most importantly, it makes you really appreciate Casey’s singing talent. More than anything, she sounds absolutely comfortable singing this song. No stressed notes, no weird word choices, no ham. This is just a nice song and it’s my favorite on this album. 8/10

Let’s Just Live (Remix) “The Obligatory OP Remix Oh God Triumph Is Gonna Get This Treatment Next Year

It doesn’t go above my expectations but I like the new instrumentals. Reminds me of Stickerbrush Symphony. I think it’s much more fitting than in the original and is a true improvement on it. 6/10

The final issue I have with this album is this, and it involves some statistics. This is a 12-song album. That isn’t strange. But here are some numbers for you:

Ruby Songs: 0 Weiss Songs: 2 Blake Songs: 1 (2 if you count Smile) Yang Songs: 4 Remixes: 3 Scores(?): 2

Just to put that in front of you. Remixes comprise 1/4th of the album, glorified scores are 1/6th, and Yang received 4 whole slots (one-third of the album!) while Ruby, the protagonist, got absolutely none. Nothing in this album is about just Ruby, and I think she kind of deserves that. I mean she did nothing this volume so whatever, but we didn’t even get Glorious Score Track Of Jaune Healing Weiss so that’s super strange. They didn’t even shaft her in lieu of anyone, she was just left out.

[jandjsalmon]

A fandom message from EarthLaughsInFlowers regarding the unpleasantness - because she doesn’t have a tumblr but feels invested in our fandom as a reader and reviewer. I’m sure many of you fic author’s have been privileged to receive one of her well thought out and well spoken reviews. She sent me a massage and asked me to share this with you. 

It’s large (because she is endearingly verbose) - so it’s going under a keep reading tag - but it’s really wonderful to read her pov on the subject in case any of you are interested. She’s just SO kind. 💙💛   <3 Jandy

I wish there were an easier way (to talk to all of you). I really don't have anything to hide in terms of being contacted, it's more than I don't have the time. I spend a lot of my day on my computer. I spend some of each day indulging what has become a really wonderful hobby, reading and responding to Betty and Jughead fan fiction. I have no idea why I landed on them. I saw season one and was like, aren't they wonderful? The first story that I read (by randomly Googling -- isn't that lucky?!) was Fall in Light, so that certainly helped. 

For me, I think you're all wonderful, highly creative, passionate people. It's a joy seeing these authors and illustrators and cheerleaders entirely new world to me. It's fascinating. The prospect of spending any more time on my computer keeps me away from engaging more than I do. I thought what I needed was boundaries. I've been maintaining this very charmed loop. I read something, write a huge comment, and I generally get a response from the author. Sometimes we write back and forth. It's a lovely experience, and a great interaction for me. Something with this past week has changed how I feel about that, so I've actively been contacting authors on Tumblr (and here) whose work I admire to let them know that they are appreciated and respected for their beautiful efforts. I really do feel like I should reach out more. I gladly consume so much. I want to give back more to the people who are essentially feeding my really fun, new, hobby. I've noted elsewhere that I read and write/type incredibly fast. So I can push myself a bit more out of my comfort zone.

I've read Haunted. I liked Haunted. I commented extensively on Haunted. I've decided that while I have put Haunted to bed, and don't need to read it in whatever form it takes next.

There are two things firm in my mind about what I've seen visiting Tumblr pages over the last few days.

You cannot claim something that is not yours to claim. Art, literature, a car, an identity, if it's not yours, it's not yours. If you want to use it, ask. I understand there's an argument that everything is a copy of something else, but we're not talking about how The Lion King is Hamlet re-worked. We're talking about someone who copied writing from one author, and passed it off as their own. We have to treat the online world as the real world, and in the real world, if you do that, you face consequences for your actions. If you claim to create something but you didn't, that's wrong. It is brave to own up to mistakes. We are living in a time when people don't own up to mistakes, and still get rewarded. So it's good to set the right tone. For me, every time something does something they know is wrong, and they think that they can get away with it, it's not only the sin, it's the cynicism. We all know copying the works of others is wrong. It's drilled in our heads as kids. So it's not just that this person, who wrote lovely responses to my very long comments (responses that I continue to like), did something wrong, it's that they knew it, and didn't fix it. They thought that they could get away with it. There is something unsettling about that. I often say, "don't say sorry, change!" when I am exasperated. I think we apologize too much now, and we think that's the end of it. We don't allow for the fact that the other person may not want to accept our apology, and we don't allow for ourselves and others to learn from the experience.

It is peculiar to sit on the outskirts (by choice) of a fandom, and look in. I know very little about fandom, but I do know how to comment on stories on Ao3, and authors out there are respected and appreciated and admired. You've poured your heart, souls and experiences into these stories, and have crafted some incredible works of fiction. I don't know how to debate whether or not fan fiction is "real" literature, because to me it is. On a personal level, I can identify with it, react to it, respond to it. That's incredible. So that work needs to be commended and rewarded. You're all really gifted! It's strange, as a reader, to have interacted with Haunted, and to know that's over. It doesn't change how I look at other works on here, because I view it in isolation. I don't think that plagiarism is an isolated incident, but as a reader, it doesn't affect how I look at, say, Blood, Sweat and Heartbeats. I understand that my view as a reader could be different than a writer. You're pouring yourselves into producing content (for free!), content that is disruptive of the traditional process of who gets to tell stories, and why, and how, and where. I've read more about birth control, LGBTQA, fore play, experimentation, experiences like child birth, abortion, miscarriage, addiction, families, friends... I've read more sophisticated explorations of all these topics and more on this site, in the past year, than I ever have, and again, reading everything and then writing about what I've read is a hobby for me! That's extraordinary. Occasionally I got to do it all in a story that might have also involved space, or zombies, or the Middle Ages, and that is very special. I sincerely hope that any people who feel disheartened by this past week remember, again, your efforts are loved and valued. Your contributions are special. If the person who uploaded Haunted chooses to share something in the future, then that's great too. You can learn from your mistakes and move forward. 

 My few days on Tumblr left me distressed. I saw a lot more positive than bad, but I saw negativity. I can't tell if it's one account spewing out venom, but that's one account too many. I occasionally check Tumblr for stories to read, or pictures to see, or author commentary. In a massive coincidence, I happened to check on Monday. In another massive coincidence, I happened to be chained to my computer for work (on my vacation). So I watched everything in real time. I watched many of you process your shock, and I watched many of you voice powerful and complex opinions on the nature of forgiveness, what plagiarism means to you, the value of fan fiction, your place in fandom, and your own experiences with a blending of these issues. It was really moving. I read it all. I bounced from account reading it all. 

And then I watched the abuse roll in. And I decided that I couldn't just sit around watching. I feel for those of you who have been attacked. What a hideous experience. My heart goes out to you. I talked earlier about it being brave to apologize, well, it's damn near heroic to face the abuse that some of you are facing, just for having a different opinion. I started to notice blogs turning off Anonymous commenting, beseeching Tumblr staff to do something, blogs going silent, blogs being deleted. 

It's been a heady experience, again, as someone who solely wanted to be able to write comments under stories to suddenly think, "I can't just not say something. That's wrong. I don't know what possesses a person to do that, to hang out on someone's blog and send them hate filled messages. But I can do something nice. I can be a nice Anon! I always identify myself, as best I can "Hi! I comment on your stories on Ao3 as EarthLaughsInFlowers! I don't have Tumblr!" and send nice messages. That's all I've got so far. That's a troubling best answer, as a fully grown adult. But I promise to do that more. 

So now, if I'm checking Tumblr, I'll leave you a nice note. I would want that. Please, keep sharing your stories! Keep sharing your art! Keep sharing your ideas! 

You are valued, you are appreciated, you are respected. Sending you all love. 

EarthLaughsInFlowers

[youngerdrgrey]

"Would it hurt you to tell me exactly where we're going?"...

anon, I hope you like The Good Place because that’s where this prompt took me.

or, the time Eleanor comes to a different conclusion to much of the same results. // spoilers for the end of s1 at least + read on ao3

Chidi huffs. “Would it hurt you to tell me exactly where we’re going?”

“Yeah, pretty sure it would.” Eleanor yanks him after her again. This is what happens every time she slows down. He starts asking more questions, as if he doesn't ask enough already. Do all philosophy professors talk this much, or did she just find the most verbose one in the universe?

“Eleanor!” Chidi huffs again. “Are you even listening?"

“Not really!” She drags him around another corner and towards the giant river. There’s exactly one boat tied to the dock, and she might not know how to row, but neither does anyone else here.

“I asked, how could it hurt you to tell me?”

“Words have never hurt you, nerd?”

He rolls his eyes. “That hurt me.” Then he rolls his head on his neck. “Which, okay, that clearly proves your point. I—Eleanor, I need to get back before anything else happens to Aggie.”

“God, what kind of name is that anyway?” Eleanor drops Chidi’s wrist long enough to untie the boat from the dock. “Aggie? It sounds like something you hack up. Or somebody you’d go full Carrie on at prom.” Then she settles into the boat herself even as it rocks. “Not that I’d go to prom, but you know, it fits.”

Chidi shakes his head. “Eleanor, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t go on adventures with you. My soulmate needs me.”

“Yeah, well, she’s not the only one. You ready for this?” Eleanor stands back up, full height, which isn't much since he's on the dock and she's in the boat. Has she always been this short? It’s not cool, but it does tap into her love for height differences. He’s actually kind of cute from this angle. Focus. “Aggie’s not the only one who doesn’t belong here. None of us do. This whole neighborhood’s one colossal fork up on Michael’s part.”

“I—wha—that—no.” Chidi takes a step back. Eleanor reaches for him, and he swats at her hand. “Architects don’t make mistakes, Eleanor.”

She stalks forward on the boat. “I heard you and Aggie talking. She said that she wasn’t supposed to be here, and I’m not either. I’m not the good person they think I am.”

He groans! He scream-groans. “Stop lying! I don’t know why you would do this. You insist on—on torturing me like this. So, what happened? You overheard Aggie confess to me, and you figured that it’d be fun to mess with me too?”

“Whoa, Cheedster.”

“That’s not my name!”

“Chidi! Sorry.” She should probably get back out of the boat, but every time she moves, it drifts a little, and she can’t risk face-planting on the dock only to get swatted away again . “I’m not playing around. The first night we were here, I called you a burnt cheeto — rude, I know, hate me later — and the next day, it rained burnt cheetos. I’m a plague on this town. And Michael’s a new architect. I think he forked up the formula, and I don’t want to correct him. I don’t want to go back to being a shirty person with no prospects.”

Chidi still looks mildly constipated in his anger, but at least he asks, “What do you want to be then?”

She shrugs. Her neck gets itchy whenever she tries to be sincere. It’s like she’s allergic to real emotions. But real emotions seem to be the main way to get through to him. It’s so gross. So much for a man of science, or whatever.

“I don’t know. I want to be better, I guess, and something tells me that you’re the only one who could get me to be that way.” She has to scratch her neck. And her arm. And behind her ears. “Look, could you get in the boat? Please?”

He mulls it over with a few hundred glances behind him and back to her. His internal monologue’s probably still calling her a liar, but if she were a liar, why would she do all of this? Why would she intentionally mess with him? She’s new to the neighborhood too. Plus, she's been involved in every malfunction in the good place since they got to town. The only thing she didn’t cause was whatever Aggie claimed to be responsible for. And out of everybody in the town, Aggie and Nicole included, Eleanor's one of the only people who feels real here. Kind of like how he’s one of the only people who feels real to her.

Ew, even that fake monologue makes her itchy.

She bounces in the boat. “Come on, dude, I already said the best part of my speech.” She bounces again. Then, some current kicks in fromabsolutely nowhere, so her next bounce detaches her from the dock completely . “Whoa!” She stumbles back.

“Eleanor!”

Chidi jumps to grab her, and she snags his hands and yanks him the rest of the way onto the boat with her. Either she’s superwoman, or he’s heavier than she expected, because they fall right onto the bottom of the boat.

He is a little heavier. He is a compact, little nerd, just muscle and mind power and nothing else. Soft skin actually, he’s got that, and warm eyes when he isn’t glaring at her. His smile’s kind of crooked in a cute way that makes her want to cover his mouth with her mouth, and, holy fork, is she into him?

She’s not not into him, especially when he lifts himself up on his arm strength alone so he lifts his weight off of her. Their eyes lock, and their breathing seems to stop at the same time. She whispers his name like a forking Nicholas Sparks girl.

“Chidi?”

Then this guy — this dude who spent a solid twenty minutes debating which side of the two line pizza parlor to go to — swoops down and lays one on her . Like it’s nothing! Like it’s totally reasonable for him to make one decision since he got here and use it to kiss her in the bottom of this boat.

He jumps back, of course. Reels away with the widest eyes she’s ever seen that kind of look like giant moons on his face. The jumping makes him less coordinated, so he falls on her again. Her back slams into the wood of the boat. His head crashes into hers. It’s a clusterfork, and all she can think of is kissing him again.

“Eleanor, I am so sorry.” He tries rolling off of her. Scrambling really .

She lets him get up enough that they can both sit there. “I’m not. If anything, you proved my point. Michael messed up. And maybe , maybe you’re not even supposed to be with Aggie.” She shouldn’t have said that part.

“You shouldn’t say that.”

“See! That’s exactly what I thought. Dude, we are so in sync!” She scrambles up, which puts her knees on the outside of his. She could be straddling this dude in a second if it wouldn’t give him an aneurism. “What if the mistake isn’t only that I’m here? What if you and me —“ is it weird that she takes his incredibly soft hands in hers? He stares at her like it’s weird, and at least a little bit like he’s gonna puke. “What if we're the ones who are supposed to be soulmates?”

He is definitely gonna puke. “Oh, no."

“That’s all you got?” No sweeping declaration on his side?

“Oh, God.”

“Alright. Two word sentences. Can I buy a vowel?”

He blinks. “I—how would a vowel help?”

“It broke the cycle, didn’t it?” She smiles at him. “I’m not saying we have to figure everything out now. I just want you to know that Aggie’s not the only one who needs you here, Chidi. I think I need you too.” He gulps, which isn’t the weirdest part of that. Eleanor confessed to wanting another person actively involved in her life, and she’s still smiling . “I’m not itchy! Take that, words!"

Maybe they don’t hurt, after all. At least, they don’t hurt her. Chidi, though, he still might vomit over the side of the boat. Eh, you win some, you lose some.

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