#sorry i just got back from the doctor
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I hate going to the doctor if u are a doctor and you have even potentially possibly bad news for me just kill me man
#sorry i just got back from the doctor#sigh wasnt even that bad im just stressed out#its the ear thing again (-_- )#kae.txt
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Something something about the Third Doctor and the fate of Tantalus. You're trapped in one place. Everything you want, that you once took for granted is right there in front of you, you can see it you can reach for it but you can never have it. You will never attain it on your own. Your fate is dependent on the mercy or cruelty of others and you hate it and you rage against it but you can’t do anything, your defiance is treated like nothing but a childish tantrum but you refuse to beg, you won’t get that desperate no matter how long you’re trapped here, no matter how low you’re brought down. You stand among humans and you look human but you’re not, you’re an animal in a cage with them and you’re the only one who can see the bars. Gnawing and hacking at them to no avail. And yet all you can do is wait and hope and try and fail in an endless loop until an outside force interferes to free you from your prison. The carrot and the stick. How does it feel to be on the receiving end?
#even when his exile is lifted and he gets his tardis back he still can’t get jamie and zoe back#he’ll never be able to#the doctor’s always lost companions but until that point they’d always chosen to leave#this was the first instance where he lost them#no not lost they were TAKEN from him#the doctor was ripped apart mentally and physically and emotionally#and he has to live with that#knowing that they’re living their lives without him as if nothing happened#(and even in jamie’s case he’s not sure considering Jamie was basically dropped into the middle of a battlefield)#only that he can never see them again#bc they won’t know him they won’t remember any of the adventures the fun the quiet moments spent together#he’s the only one who knows who remembers#and what he can’t bear more than anything is having them look at him with no recognition in their eyes#having them ask him who he is and not reacting in any way when he says “i’m the doctor”#not to mention how easily he was exiled and punished#he triumphed over daleks and cybermen and so many other creatures#but in the face of the time lords he was rendered helpless so easily#they trapped him took his tardis and his connection and his knowledge and his companions away and forced him to regenerate just like that#and now the time lords are aware of his existence and probably keeping an eye on him#in case they need him for anything (aka jobs to do for them)#reduced to a boy put in time out and then an errand boy#doctor who#classic who#third doctor#3rd doctor#my thoughts#wow that’s a lot of tags i’m sorry#i got carried away#i just can’t stop thinking about the tragedy of it all#in two’s ending and three’s beginning and their companions
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It's been so long since the last time I hallucinated that I forget how jumpy and skittish I get afterwards guhhhh
#im okay the hallucinations werent bad in what i saw and felt but#struggling with sleep and perceiving reality can individually trigger me a loy#so combining them made for a combo that wouldve been devastating hadnt i come this far in recovery#and it helped that friend was there to help me talk through it#but man i still notice how affected i get by it#every little noise every little shadow im jumping and freaking out by reflex over the most minor things#even my sibling walking up without me realizing terrified me in a way it doesnt normally#and again what i saw and perceived during the hallucinations wasnt even bad!!!#i just cant seem to shake off the awful feelings afterwards even when i dont panic about it#i was told by doctor who helped me getting on meds back in the day that like#id likely always be prone to various degrees of relapse during stress#which i noticed a lot#but its been 2 years of relative peace and 1 year since i shook off the last remnants affecting me daily#and even in just that year i somehow forgot just how easy it is to fall back into those fears#but im calm rn and able to sit outside in the dark without feeling even a smidge of fear#so jumping from noises is fine all things considered#the fact that i even got to this point is proof enough#anyway sorry for venting#silvi talks
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at the end of my fucking rope with "conversations" about k12 chronic absenteeism.
#sorry. work rant#next time you read a headline about it think to yourself. why is it schools' job to get kids to come to school.#why do schools have to bend over backward to cater to kids#kids not wanting to go to school is an extremely common occurrence#the difference now is that the responsibility is being shifted off kids and parents and onto schools#i get that schools can do better i really do#i think there is a shared responsibility#but there is a profound belief across society that school is not important and does not matter#and that needs to be addressed too#i'd say 99% of the examples i hear of systemic school problems are actually just examples of individual bad actors#again. schools have issued that need to be addressed! the public school system has profound inequities!#but when the only problems you point out are 'a kid was mean to my kid' or 'a teacher wasn't as nice as they could be'#you're not interested in changing the system#you're interested in changing your kid's experience#and guess what. demonizing school staff sure isn't going to fix anything#at this point I don't see myself ever going back to teaching#you know who will go into teaching? people who don't give a shit.#and that's not going to help anything either.#you can't attract people who care when people who care are punished and chased out#imagine if instead of constantly bringing up the worst possible examples and insisting they are representative of everyone#the good examples were celebrated and rewarded#same thing happens with the medical profession btw#and again. lots of legitimate examples of harm#(i'm fat ffs i know this)#and also I think it's dangerous to have people delegitimizing medicine to the point that crystals are seen as just as valid as a doctor#sorry. separate rant.#but still. delegitimizing professions that require knowledge skill and training is how we get thousands of unqualified people#homeschooling their kids and treating them with herbs they got from their local Etsy witch
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me vs letting a piece of writing be ‘good enough’ but not perfect
ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ grrrrrrrrrr
#i’m going to tear my haiiiir out#you know what it is????? aside from suffering from debilitating ocpd ofc#it’s because it’s dabi#it’s because it’s dabi’s birthday gift#and i just want it to be the very best most perfect it can be#also it’s at 9.7k now sigh#anyway every time i’m tryna rush against the clock to get something out before 11:59pm i always feel like im back in uni LMAOOOO#but anyway!!!!! sorry everyone;; sorry dabi;;;; it’s just Too Big (hahahaHAHAHAHAHA)#no but in all seriousness i’ve been editing since i got home from the doctors and im only on page 7 oUT OF 25 sooooooooo#it’ll be a day late <3#this has been clari with the updates#my therapist says i have to talk nicer to myself but goddamn it’s so hard when i’m just like !!!!!!!! LEAVE IT!!!!!! it’s fine!!!!!!!#and ocpd goes iTS NOT IT MUST BE PERFECT EVERY LINE MUST BE PERFECT NOW OBSESSIVELY GO OVER IT >:(#i’m working on resisting that voice no matter how much anxiety and terror it causes me#aaaaah
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i wonder, if i ever met a dropout watcher irl and somehow managed to not drop a reference anywhere in my time around them and so they wouldn't know i watched anything from it, how fast they would catch onto me from my speech patterns, or how fast they would realize in retrospect where all these things come from upon finding out. or like, alternatively, someone getting to know me irl and then being introduced to dropout, and suddenly having a frame of reference for like. what a lot of my speaking habits are probably modeled after. does it show that i watch dropout? do i talk like a good percentage of the audible conversation i am exposed to in my daily life comes from one streaming platform? would love to know. would truly love to know
#aspen tag#it really is like. like.#there is only so much of sentence delivery you can convey online and i STILL think i'm noticable out here#but like. in my head? just fucking thinking my thoughts?#i will look back in on myself like a hall of mirrors and go “oh i am putting emphasis on this sentence exactly like brennan does”#or “oh i am doing this thing to make people laugh that i picked up from aabria”#i straight up like do not see ppl irl often or rlly even like talk to people out loud with my mouth all that much#bc not all the friends i have online rlly vc and i'm also not always awake when they do#or i'll be like bouncing around between discord and watching something and i don't catch that they're on until they're not doing it anymore#and . ..... this is a rheka voice. is what i'm doing as i'm thinking this#sorry. anyways. back on track#i don't have a job i'm not in school i have like ... just started a hobby but i haven't really connected with anyone there yet etc#the people i have conversations out loud with regularly can be sorted into two categories and they are my parents and doctors#so like i have so little frame of reference for what i am like in actual conversation with ppl just out of scarcity of data to work with#and like ..... idk. it'd be interesting#obviously i know i'm mirroring it because i'm in my own head#but i don't know to what degree it'd be noticable to other people (if at all)#it'd just be cool to dig into if i ever got the chance#and like. y'know. obviously there's like the “in-credible” level tells and shit. but like. inflection? wording habits?#the stuff that's like. influences. as opposed to direct draws. i SAID smth about this in the tags and somewhere in the edits it got lost#so. yeah. that stuff. that stuff
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I think i should be able to cut my heart out and store it in a chest somewhere else. it hurts to much. not in an emotional way i'm just sick of it deciding to race or ache for no reason
#I'm LITERALLY just sitting here#like what is it boy what did you see? also can we get some flow back to my hands purple nails is not my look#do you think davy jones still got palpitations on the other side of the world from his thumper#my posts#posts that i can show my doctor and get no change cause they still think i'm fine#sorry does this count as#health vent
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no one look at me I only just added denki to my carrd.
#sorry that everyone has had to see me talk about 2000 times but#the autism went#OH this one is the favourite#and that’s the vibes#I’ll edit my carrd to be him shaped but#I only just got back from the doctors and it’s almost 10pm so#bedtime#ooc.
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#apparently I’m not done being mad about this I’m sorry guys I gotta vent#my dad is like an ox and never sick and like not very understanding with health issues/general illness#which you’d think he would have been after having me the super sickly child with a ton of health issues but no#we have a positive Covid case in the house and I have the same fucking symptoms I just started later#I have taken two tests- one yesterday and one today#and he yelled at me saying I’m wasting tests and also that I’m apparently fine which like#even if I somehow don’t catch covid I’m still sick but okay dad 🫠#if it helps put things into a better perspective… did yall know that back in November after I had my 3rd fucking endometriosis surgery#he asked why I was off work for two weeks and why I didn’t go back the day after surgery?#like I had had this surgery twice before and at home recovery was also two weeks both those times#but moreover like sir I have 3 incisions in my abdomen and my job requires me to left 50lbs???#at which point he still insisted I was fine and was just being ‘dramatic’ 🙃#I wanna fucking scream#I’m lissed the fuck off#did yall know he nearly got me killed once because I had neurovirus and he refused to take me to the er?#I eventually lost consciousness from severe dehydration- he thought I was sleeping and continued to argue with my mom that I was fine 🫠#they eventually took me but I was unconscious for several hours and it took five bags of iv fluid for me to regain consciousness#and the doctor estimated I was about two hours away from death so like#yeah#if that gives yall a better idea of the shit I’m putting up with#I have like zero tolerance for dealing with his bullshit when I’m sick#it’s the trauma from not fucking being believed for years of my life about any of my illnesses#and like also the fucking almost dying part#fun times 🫠#I’m sorry I’m ranting so much today I’m just really fucking done and have no other outlet 🙃
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It's an odd comfort to experience a Bad Fibromyalgia Time after a long long period of not having this intensity of it.
Like it sucks slsjskdjd of course but
Very validating to experience some of the moderately severe symptoms and realize "wow this fucking sucks, this isn't normal at all, most people do not deal with this and I did a great job at surviving this for years. I deserved way more credit than I myself. Good job, past-me. You were goddamn tenacious."
The validation is nice
#sorenhoots#cold sensitive is. attacking me. i got used to 'never gets cold anymore' and right now its like mid 60s and i cant feel anything below my#knees cos theyre numb from cold. and i am scrolling tumblr on my phone with a very strategically placed blanket keeping my body heat near#my hands. otherwise they go numb and i can't do anything with them. WHICH EXPLAINS A LOT OF WHY I WAS ALWAYS NURSING SOME SORE#TENDON OR MUSCLE. i never had proper bloodflow for maintenance and so everyday wear-and-tear accumulated into chronic disability until i#eventually would cripple myself trying to wash my hair (sorry for using a slur; i choose to use it because i have emotional attachment to#the world from a lifetime of this nonsense). and then id need help putting on my shirt for six weeks until i nursed it back to usability at#which point id have fucked up the other arm overusing it. goddamn.#im finding a lot of small secrets to coping with these things. a onesie can be treatment for cold sensitivity. laying on a small pillow can#treat GI issues if it helps align your tubes. why not lol doctors never had answers so i am just vibing. i advise going to a doctor tho. and#if they have good advice pls tell me lol
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hate when i vent abt my pain and ppl tell me "everyone has stomach aches, it's normal" okay but are their pains bad enough to make them cry or unable to stand..... at least once a week...... bc i think that if this was normal society might've collapsed by now. but what do i know
#at least I'm on the way to get another test to see if it really is crohn's or not :')#my other tests came out negative but the last doctor i saw said it's worth checking again :')#bc. he claims. you're never gonna guess it. these pains are NOT normal ✨️ who could've thought!#sorry for the bitterness. as you may be able to infer from this i am in severe pain and having a hard time standing up or moving at all#btw through this doctor i went to i found out i actually had internal inflammation back in 2018 too and i was just. never told abt it.#like i was in the hospital and they ran a test but bc it was for smth else they didn't think to point it out??#why do i have to learn 5 years later that i had smth wrong with me that probably got worse with time and that's why I'm like that now 😭😭😭#(i wanna apply good faith to this. they probably thought it was a result of my other stomach issues so it'll pass once they do.#but like. if it really didn't go away and in fact got worse with time. i feel like i have the right to blame them yknow?)#vent#possibly a tmi one idk ajskflglh#sorry. i am very tired
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the hits stop coming and they don't stop coming
#every time i think i can't feel worse i discover a new blow#TO BE FAIR. IT'S PROBABLY NOT EVEN THAT BAD#i'm just like. really sensitive or something annoying like that#the worst part is that usually when i'm feeling low i can hinge my feelings on smth like 'if this happens that means everything will be okay#but then sometimes. it happens. and i still feel like the world is ending. so that didn't work now what do i do#ugh i didn't even feel this bad when i was like in the hospital a few months ago and it's literally just like. (in summary)#2 people i love are mad at me. i did really poorly in my exams and might lose my gpa. my car (highly attached) is breaking down and i need#get a new one#i start a new job tomorrow and i heard bad things about it from my classmates who started before me#+ i have serious doubts in my ability to dress neatly and well with all my shitty poorman clothes#+ i started breaking out#+ i just noticed i lost a bunch of weight likely from my hospital stay and i dunno how to get that back#+ my doctor said i'm not likely to get full mobility back at this point and it's upsetting me#also my spare tires are missing#ugh i'll be fine. i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine. i'll be fine#i'm good at dealing BUT ONLY WITH SOME OF THESE. i can deal with the car and the job and the health. but interpersonal shit?#which is the thing upsetting me the most? wow surprise surprise local autist doesn't do people good#UGH anyway sorry for complaints on main i just feel like i got too many straws rn#it's 10:30pm i'm sure i'll feel better in the morning (ignoring the fact that i've been feeling almost exactly like this for days)#ugh. it's fine. i'll deal. only way out is through or whatever
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I love trigun so much.....i love vash so much.....it just feels so special. it's literally become my muse I've never drawn this much in my entire life I'm just so enamored with it and vash and aaahhh. a few weeks ago a friend told me that it's like vash was made in a lab specifically for me and I mean. yeah. I love him I love him so so much he's literally my dream fictional character it's like I won the fictional character jackpot. he's so so special to me nightow I owe you my life
#and my sanity this year#bee talks#SORRY I JUST!!! FEEL FEELINGS!!!!!#god I don't want this hyperfixation to pass#I can't bear to think of the day I'll see art of him and feel nothing#I hope he's special#I hope he's the one#I hope he's my lugia of humanoid characters#(lugia was my first ever fave fictional character I love them since I was 6 and unlike all my other hyperfixations this one stayed)#(like it's just been in the background my whole life I still collect things about lugia and look forward to lugia things)#(meanwhile doctor who was my biggest hyperfixation it lasted 4-5 years and it was literally my whole life.#but now you couldn't get me to feel a fraction of the excitement I used to feel over it. even with david tennant coming back. I'm excited!#but it's not the same. so yeah I hope trigun and vash are a new lugia. I think they could be. I want them to be.)#anywayyy sorry I'm weird#also re: vash made in a lab for me it's so funny because it's really 100% exclusively about his character#apart from the wings and scars thing it's got nothing to do with his appearance#and it's funny because originally I saw trimax vash after getting into tristamp and I was like 'ugh I don't really like how he looks here'#FOOL!!!!!#now he's my favorite and I draw him the most smh#but yeah peak example of a character's appearance growing on me because he's beautifully written and ticks all my boxes#confession though: I still don't like '98 anime and pre-trimax manga vash's look 😔 I'm a tristamp and trimax only#'98 vash looks great when he's sad though :)
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normal now and got polls apparently time to be funnyTM abt my entire month of radio silence on main
#IM SORRY. REALLY#i got back on meds like Today and went fuck yeah i should say on tumblr that im normal now#wait wdym i havent posted shit in an irl month#IT FELT LIKE LESS THAN THAT. HONEST.#ive been Catastrophically stressed over school while trying to chase down meds from 2 different doctors so ive been a little recluse#even after i said i could stop being that. rip#but i do legitimately feel better now maybe i just needed to die a little without worrying abt when i was gonna 'come back' super hard#tho i am still sorry for doing it without a word dhfvDH#if you sent me a dm a while back feel free to try again i would feel less terrible :cry: if not ill get back to you in a#little while if i remember#but. awagga
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sorry im still thinking about the timespan between peru and them working at miskatonic. it has to have been years. like. they’ve been living together for years. they lived together while they did their residencies. how long have they been living in the old mortuary how many other places have they lived THEY’VE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER FOR YEARS
#LIKE. AGH#THERE’S SO MUCH THERE. SO MUCH MUST HAVE HAPPENED. BUT THE MOVIE MAKES IT SEEM LIKE THEY GOT BACK FROM PERU#AND JUST INSTANTLY BECAME DOCTORS#LIKE THEY HAVENT EVEN FINISHED MED SCHOOL YET WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT#sorry i have. feelings about the timeline of these gay people djdbjdbd#re-animator#danbert
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well. someone stole my wallet with $40 and my social security card inside LMAO
#having a great day!#just came back from a doctors appt i couldnt actually attend because i couldnt afford copay#god. i wish i could say i woke up and had a great day#unfortunately that is NOT what happened#anyway if anyone got paid recently and is like man what am i gonna do with all this money#my venmo and paypal.me are deadtower lmao#GODDDD i’m so irritated. i backtracked twice in 90 degree heat#sorry i’m really trying to be positive lately but this one just threw a wrench right in the ol works
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