starvinginbelair · 1 year ago
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"We're full blown telekenisis dude. Him and I barely have conversations, we're just like-we're thinking the same thing...Sometimes, we're pretty locked. Yeah, we just have this deeper thing. It's just something that happens when you learn someone's-your subconcious mind analyzes them without even asking it to...We have our own language. Which is why our relationship is slightly indestructable. Because it isn't based on any external humanship. It's a flow state that we get in together, that's wordless."
— ashton irwin on his musical relationship with calum on artist friendly
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wiiildflowerrr · 1 year ago
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“We’re full-blown telekinesis. [We] barely have conversations... [He is] deep and sensitive [and] an epic problem-solver...
We have our own language, which is why our relationship is slightly indestructible...
It isn’t based on any external human shit. It’s a flow state that we get in together that’s wordless...”
Ashton talking about Calum, on Joel Madden's Artist Friendly podcast, July 2023
I love them. I'm actually welling up. Partly cos their relationship is so special and partly cos I lost my best friend (of 30yrs) 2yrs ago and I really miss them.
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ghost-of-you · 2 years ago
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
Literally no one:
Not a single soul:
Ashton Irwin:
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ijustdontlikepeople · 2 years ago
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Happy 5sos Edit Exchange @calumsash
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suchalonelysunflower · 1 year ago
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I Hear a Symphony (c.h)
You, Again Spin Off
Pairing: Soulmate! Calum Hood x Soulmate! Fem! Reader
Summary: it’s the most important day of Luke’s life, and, even if Calum doesn’t know it yet, it would be his as well
Warnings: Fluff, kinda angsty but not Sunny’s type of angst. Language. Some grammatical errors (English is not my first language, I’m sorry)
Word Count: 4.2 K
Authors Note: OKAY, this does not mean I’m back posting every week like I used to, but it’s something. Thank you for the 2K 🥹🩷 more things are coming, I promise. But like give me time cause I’m moving continents this month. Please remember to REBLOG the works you like, that’s super important to keep writers (me) going, as well as COMMENTS LIKES AND REACTIONS. PLEASE SUPPORT YOUR WRITERS. Hope you like it and happy reading 🥰🦋🌻
My masterlist // tag list in bio!
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He could hear the sound of nervous pacing echo through his head as he rubbed the tip of his thumbs over his eyes. It was a normal occurrence as lately, they’ve all grown accustomed to Luke’s endless worrying. But everyone has their limits, and Calum’s all but reaching it at this point.
“Mate, sit the fuck down!” He said, a bit more harshly than he intended in the first place.
“Yeah!” Michael seconded without paying much attention to them, sitting across the room on the couch, with no pants and a bowl of Cheetos sitting next to him as he played yet another game of FIFA “You’re gonna run out your shoes before you walk down the aisle”
Calum glared at him for that comment.
“What?! That can happen?!” Luke shouted as he immediately jumped to the bed and took off his shoes to inspect them.
“Of course not” Calum sighed, going up to Michael and flicking him on the forehead, ignoring his complaint “But you do need to calm down”
Luke’s been erratic these past few weeks as the big day approached. They’ve all had their fair share of laughs at the “bridezilla’s” post on Reddit every once in a while. But they never thought that their best friend would ever turn into a “groomzilla” Calling them in the middle of the night for their opinions about ties and eyeliner color; overhearing phone calls in the office with vendors about how “teal” was not the same thing as “cerulian”; almost having an aneurysm when Ashton said he was going to shave his head… to name a few.
Although - Calum thought - that term was not fair to Luke at all. He could understand the man being nervous about his own wedding and wanting everything to be perfect. Especially as his best man - aka the man who made sure everything was not in shambles after Luke ended up crying on the office kitchen floor at 2 p.m. on a Wednesday - What he did not get was his underlying fear of his soulmate running away at the last minute.
“I’m sorry!” Luke moaned, hiding his face in his hands as he lay down on the bed “It’s just- what if she just decides she doesn’t want this anymore?”
“You’re joking, right?” Calum sighed as he sat next to Luke.
Calum knew the whole story of their love. When he first met Luke on his first day at the company, the first thing he noticed was the mark on his skin. He remembers a blushing Luke smiling shyly at him while he rubbed his fingers unconsciously over the mark as he told them the story of how he met his soulmate. It was the first time Calum met someone so young and so in love, at least until Michael met his soulmate, but that is a whole other story - and albeit a more dramatic one.
When Luke told them he was going to propose, no one took it as a surprise. It was just how it was supposed to be for them. At least that’s what Calum thought. If he was being honest, all the idea of soulmates and having one person to love for the rest of your life seemed… weird.
He knows he should not have those thoughts out loud, and he probably agrees with Ashton’s theory that maybe it was just because he hadn’t found his yet. But, what was he supposed to think? That magically, somewhere around the world, there was someone destined to be with him? And that they would love him back? It just doesn’t seem real.
But then… He turns toward Luke, who’s now observing his mark, touching it so delicately as if it were to fall. He noticed how his lips moved to say his lover’s name as he sighed. Then, he looks over at Michael, whose mark got him a novella out of that story, and how he smiles at the text his soulmate probably sent. He thinks about how their smiles change when they’re around their loved ones; how they talk about them, as if they were the most interesting people in the world and no one could compare to them. And Calum knows. He just knows that’s how love is supposed to be.
And, he knows he’s never felt that before. Not in the receiving or giving end of the bargain.
He has had partners before. Someone to take the loneliness away from his hands and put them to good use. A distraction, maybe, from feeling so empty. But those relationships never lasted more than a season. His lips never uttered the word “love” to someone before.
Maybe he’s not supposed to.
“Ayooooo!” Ashton shouted as he came barging into their hotel suite, letting the door hit the wall and making Michael drop the bowl of Cheetos on the floor “Who’s ready to party!”
Immediately, Luke got up from the bed with erratic eyes.
“Where the fuck have you been?!”
“Whatever do you mean?” Ashton faked innocence. Calum rolled his eyes
“Give it up, Ash,” He said, getting up from the bed as well “It’s getting late and Luke hasn’t killed anyone, yet. And I have no problem letting him start with you”
“You,” Ashton pointed at him “Are no fun. I just went to grab my tux! I left it at home so that I couldn’t damage it as other people did”
Michael raised his hands “In my defense, no one should’ve brought orange soda into the tux fitting!”
Luke ran a hand through his face. Calum thought it was fortunate that he didn’t do his makeup yet.
“Just tell me you got them”
“Got what?”
“The wha- THE RINGS?!”
“What rings?”
“Okay,” Calum said, putting himself between a very confused Ashton and a bull-raging-looking Luke “This ain’t funny anymore, Ash”
“I’m not trying to be funny, 'cause you know I’ll be hilarious. But I seriously have no idea what you two are on about”
At that moment, Calum could see everything in slow motion.
He noticed the way Luke’s neck vein nearly exploded. He heard the slow whistle from Michael as he got out of the way completely. And he watched Ashton’s eyes go from joyful to meet the angel of death in Luke’s stare as he started to run across the room while the soon-to-be groom chased him.
“Hey, hey, HEY!” Calum yelled just in time for Ashton to trip on Michael’s shoes, taking Luke by surprise and making him stop on his steps “Let’s take a damn moment and figure this out, okay?! Ashton, you don’t have the wedding rings?”
“No.” He said from the floor “Why on Earth would I have them?! You’re the best man!”
“Because I gave them to you, you ass!” Luke shouted, nearly on the brink of tears.
“No you fucking didn’t, mate!” Ashton groaned as he sat down “Believe me, I would’ve known!”
“Yes, I did! At the rehearsal dinner two nights ago, I told you to guard them with your life!”
“No, Luke-” Ashton frowned and got up and went to pick something from his bag “You gave me these. Which at the time I thought it was weird, but no questioning the groom I guess”
What he showed the rest of them was a little black velvet box that contained… nothing. It was completely empty.
Luke’s demeanor completely changed from angry to defeated. Calum swore he could see the five stages of grief run through his friend’s eyes as he sat back down on the bed.
“That’s not- those aren’t-” He stammered “That’s the engagement ring box. I- I don’t know-”
In an instant, his baby blue eyes filled with tears that could not stop running down his face. A chain of curse words mixed with painful whimpers and sobs ran through him and echoed into the empty room. The remaining three friends just looked at each other in shock, not knowing how to approach or how to comprehend anything that was happening.
“Oh my god!” Luke cried “She’s going to leave me! She’ll know I lost the rings and she’ll walk out in an instant. I fucked up! Oh for god’s sake, I ruined everything!”
“Luke-”
“What am I going to even say to her?! Oh god, she’s probably thinking of ways to escape this!”
“Luke!”
“I’m going to end up alone and- and - and- and my mark will disappear! I- I don’t wanna be markless again?!”
“For fuck’s- LUKE!” Calum shouted, grabbing the sobbing groom by the shoulders and shaking him out of his state “Calm the fuck down! We’re going to figure this out and you’re getting married today!”
“But how?!”
“Just-” And then Calum realized he had no idea how to actually fix this, but he had to come up with a plan. Fast “You gave Ash the wrong box, we know that and it was an accident. But, is there any way the box with the rings just got mixed up? Maybe the rings are in the other box and-”
“And they’re exactly where you left them,” Michael chimed in. Nodding at Calum and Ash “We can go find them”
“But I don’t know where they are! They could be anywhere!” Luke whined, “Our house, with the bridal party, at the office…”
“Why would they be in the office?”
“I don’t know! I took them everywhere just to make sure I didn’t lose them”
Calum sighed and stood back. It’s game time.
“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do,” He said, seriously “Luke, you stay here. Try to compose yourself, I’ll call Jack to help you get ready and to help you look through your luggage. Ash, you’re going to their house. Look into every drawer that you can find, even the bathroom and kitchen. Michael, obviously you’re going to the office.”
“Duh”
“And I’ll go to where the bridal party is, if it’s not there I’ll go with Ash”
“Wait,” Luke said, drying his tears “I don’t want her to know that I lost them. If you go there and tell her-”
Calum just put up his hand and smirked “You’re talking to an expert here, mate. She won’t even know I’m there” He then nodded and put his hand on Luke’s shoulder “Let’s get you to that altar”
*
The bridal party was getting ready at the penthouse on the top floor of the hotel, which later would become the marital suite for both Luke and his new bride. Calum went up to the door, ready to knock. But then he would chicken out and do a few laps along the corridor to gain some sort of courage.
“It’s okay,” He told himself “You’re gonna do great, not embarrass Luke and save his wedding. Yeah. You’re a good friend, Calum. Good friend. Great friend, even. Maybe I should ask for a complimentary gift from their honeymoon-”
“Are you seriously giving yourself a pep talk out loud?”
Calum shrieked and jumped at the sound of the stranger’s voice. Turning around to see a lady smiling at him with her eyebrow raised. She was wearing one of the hotel’s complimentary robes with sandals and had her hair and makeup done, as well as a bucket of ice in her hands.
“I- I-” Calum cleared his throat as he composed himself “I’m just… trying to-”
He blinked a couple of times, wondering the reason as to why he seemed out of words when he looked at her waiting for an answer. With that smile and those beautiful eyes looking straight at him… She was pretty. Gorgeous even.
Calum had seen his fair share of pretty people around and about, but this stranger was just as if she were casting a spell on him the moment he set eyes on her. Like Medusa freezing him over with her beautiful stare.
Soon, he returned to his senses enough to extend a hand to her.
“Sorry,” He smiled “I’m Calum, Luke’s best man”
The girl smiled, shaking his hand “Oh, I thought I recognized you from somewhere! I’m Luke’s cousin, Y/N”
Alarm bells started shouting the words “OFF LIMITS” inside Calum’s head the moment she uttered those words.
“Cousin?”
“Yeah,” She smiled, and oh, how Calum wished she didn’t.
“But- but I haven’t seen you? I mean, at the rehearsal dinner and stuff”
Y/N sighed “Yeah, working out of state can be a pain in the ass sometimes. My flight got delayed a good 24 hours. I arrived last night and I’m already spent” She laughed “Anyway, I’m sure you have something important to do, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. Being the best man and all”
Then Calum remembered his task.
“Oh shit! Right. Uhm… I’m gonna need your help” He stepped closer to her and whispered “You see, I’m on a mission”
“Like a secret mission?” She whispered back.
“Exactly. Here’s the deal…”
After he explained the situation and pretended not to notice the way in which Y/N’s eyes set on him with such brightness in them or the way her perfume seemed to hold his thoughts captive at her proximity. They both came up with a plan.
“And the bride cannot know, right?”
“For the sake of Luke’s nerves… yeah, better not”
Y/N giggled, making Calum take a moment just to wish it could happen again. And another to wonder why that was.
“Okay, follow me”
Calum walked behind her, careful not to get into her space as she used her key to open up the door. Luckily, the rest of the party was getting ready at the other side of the room, just as she told him they were. So all Calum had to do was sneak up the other side into the room and rummage through Luke’s bags. Easy enough.
But when have things ever been easy for any of them?
“Hey, Y/N!” A voice ran through the room, making them both panic as Y/N pushed Calum outside of the room again, holding the door with one hand behind her “There you are!”
Calum, still in shock from the abrupt shove, couldn’t hear most of the conversation the girl was having with another bridesmaid. He just noticed her hand out to hold the door so that he wouldn’t be shut out. And then, he noticed her mark.
It was as if a bucket filled with cold water had been dumped on him when he looked at the little dove tattooed on her skin. His face morphed into the disappointment his heart was bleeding out. Feeling the way his lungs stopped breathing as a warm, dreaded sensation ran through his body.
He didn’t know, nor could he comprehend that sudden sadness that took over him just by looking at her mark. Why did it matter so much to him? He literally just met her out in the hall. He should’ve known or even expected her to have someone already, how could she not? In the brief minutes that he’d known her, he already knew she was special. Just… just not special for him.
“Calum!” He heard her hiss through the door.
“I’m here!” He whispered back, trying to tint his voice with something other than disappointment.
Y/N then grabbed his hand blindly and pulled him into the room, making them crash their bodies as she closed the door behind him. Her strength was a bit misplaced as she ended up backtracking into the wall and taking Calum with her, pushing them together against the wall.
She looked back at him, and Calum could barely breathe. His eyes went straight to her lips, parting and waiting for words to come out. So close to him that her eyelashes could blow winds into the brown forest of his eyes. Just one more, little push and he could have his lips drinking from the secret poison of her mouth.
But he couldn’t. Not when she already belonged to someone else.
So he stood back, giving her a little nod as he made his way toward the room. Y/N followed him, making sure to stand guard at the door in case any other person wanted to come in.
“His bags are on the right side,” She whispered through the other side of the door.
“Great, it shouldn’t take me lo-oh. Oh shit”
“What?!”
“Luke’s got like six bags here!” Calum whispered-shouted, already wanting to cry “How on Earth could a person own so many clothes?!”
Y/N stifled a laugh “That sure sounds like my cousin. But don’t worry, his bride got like eight. No wonder they’re amazing together”
“Yeah,” Calum agreed as he started to go through the first bag “Can you believe that he’s scared shitless she’s going to run off?”
“What?! She’s totally head over heels for him. I’ve known them my whole life, there aren’t more deserving people of that kind of love. They truly are made for each other, real soulmates”
Calum gave her a small smile even though she couldn’t see it.
“You know?” She said, with a sigh “I have to admit that I never truly believed that could be possible.”
“What?”
“Loving someone like that”
Calum stopped for a moment looking through bag number three, that same tug on his heart appearing that he chose to ignore. Y/N continued.
“I knew soulmates were real. But I always got that feeling that it couldn’t just be that perfect, you know?”
“Yeah, I get it” He answered, opening bag number four.
“The thought of loving someone like that for the rest of your life, it’s scary. So I understand why Luke might feel like that. Like it’s just such a perfect dream you might wake up from one day. But seeing him with his girl, and seeing the rest of my friends live their lives with their happy endings. They are all living in symphonies and I’m just here trying to figure out the tempo” She laughed
Calum looked back at the door, smiling sadly at her words that mirrored his thoughts so perfectly. His hand went through the fifth bag blindly, finally touching a velvety surface. His eyes widened.
“I know one day I’ll-”
“Holy shit I’ve-”
“Find it”
“Found it!”
Both of them kept quiet for a few seconds after that.
“Wait- you found them?”
“What?” Calum turned, taking the small box from the bag and walking up to the door “But- you have a mark”
“I don’t-”
Silence again. Time stopped. The beats of Calum’s heart could echo in those moments. He knows what he saw. He knows the dove is right there.
Then, the door opens. Y/N stood there with teary eyes. Her hand was delicately touching the mark she now noticed. But she wasn’t looking at it, no. Instead, her attention was solely on Calum, who was standing right in front of her, confused.
She took his hand, he offered no fight. She opened the button of his shirt and lowered the sleeve. Finally, the two of them could breathe.
“Cal…” She said, lips forming a smile.
“Oh my god,”
There it was, drawn on his delicate skin: A dove.
“Hey, has anyone seen Y/N?” A voice could be heard saying from the other side of the suite.
Calum looked up, and in a second he had her by the waist as he hurried them over to the closet and closed the door. He put a hand over her mouth and waited as footsteps came closer.
“I don’t think she’s here,” One of the bridesmaids said as they entered the room “Maybe she went to get some more ice”
They heard the person walk back out and exhale the breath they were holding. Calum looked back at Y/N, and she was already looking at him. He took his hand from her mouth but neither of them could form a sentence.
“Hi,” He said, breathing out a laugh. She smiled.
“Hi,” Her hand found his “This is-”
“Weird?”
“I was going to say “right” This feels right” She giggled “But yeah, it’s kinda weird. We have a lot to talk about”
“I know, I-”
“But not right now” Y/N put her other hand on his chest, feeling the way his heart nearly drummed its way out of his chest “It’s Luke’s wedding, there’s a lot of things to do, and I don’t want to take the moment from them”
Calum sighed “You’re right. But when?”
“I’ll find you,” She said, placing a kiss on his cheek “Now, you have to go, best man. Or the groom might collapse”
And so Calum walked back to Luke’s room, smiling ear to ear as he still felt her lips on his cheek. A smile that did not fade until he entered the suite and found Luke in his underwear with an ice pack on top of his groin; Michael with the zipper of his pants broken; and, Ash with dog paws imprinted onto his shirt.
“What the hell happened?”
Ashton sighed “Dude, you don’t want to know”
*
The ceremony went without a hitch. Luke and his new bride could not take their eyes off each other since she walked into the room, the smile on both of their faces was enough to convince even the proudest non-believer that love truly exists. Their vows made everyone in the room cry or close to, at least. But as they spoke, Calum could only think of one thing: Y/N.
When he saw her walk down the aisle, holding onto one of Luke’s other cousins, he could not help but imagine that one day he would see her walk in white to him waiting at the altar. The looks that they exchanged were a secret to everyone but them. He looked for her throughout the ceremony, almost missing his cue to give the newlyweds their rings - that Luke nearly kissed him in thanks for finding them - And he knew. He just knew that the part of him that he didn’t even think was missing was finally whole.
“... And, I have to admit, soulmates and stuff? I didn’t get them. Not until I met these two. When Luke first told us about the way his bride smiled and how she always got the coffee to taste just right in the mornings, even when their coffee machine broke down, I knew what true love was supposed to look like. Most people search for a love like that, some stop believing halfway through their happy endings. I always thought that love was just something that happened. Now I’m certain that love is something you live through. Something so inexplicably beautiful that’s hard to describe. It doesn’t happen instantly, but it builds and builds until you’ve created a home out of it. I know I cannot wait to start building mine” He said, looking straight at Y/N who sat there smiling widely with teary eyes “Today, the new Mr. and Mrs. Hemmings have invited us to their home, to their love story. And I’m just so thankful to be here sharing this love with them. To the bride and groom!”
The whole venue followed with applause and a few whistles from Ashton after the speech. Luke got up to hug him tightly and thank him for everything he’s done. His wife also got up and kissed him on the cheek, hitting his arm lightly and scolding him mockingly for making her cry again.
Calum just laughed and wished them the best once again. And, when he looked back, he noticed that his soulmate was no longer in her seat. He looked for her through the crown and found her at the door, nudging her head for him to follow.
Yet, when he got there, she was nowhere to be found. That was until he felt a pull on his sleeve and suddenly he was inside a closet once again.
“You really have a lot of upper strength” He laughed, putting an arm around her waist and bringing her closer to him “Hi,”
“Hi,” She said, closing her eyes and leaning forward until their foreheads touched “That was a great speech”
“Thank you, I’ve been practicing”
She hummed as she felt a small kiss on the top of her head, putting her arms around his neck “I already want to hear it again”
Calum held her close, hiding his face inside her neck as he softly placed kisses along it. Feeling like a swarm of butterflies just took flight inside his stomach.
“We have time. I could recite it to you each night”
“We’ve barely just met and you’re already thinking about tonight?” She teased.
“I’m thinking of getting to know you every night and day for as long as you let me,” He confessed, pulling back slightly to look at her “Would you let me?”
Y/N smiled and nodded. Calum took it upon himself to close the distance between them and finally let their lips touch. Kissing her like she wanted from the first time he saw her. Hungry. Passionately. Lovingly. Hopeful for the future they could now share.
But too busy to even hear the door of the closet opening.
“Hey, Cal! Are you there? Where ha- OH MY GOD! WITH MY COUSIN, CAL?!”
*
*
tags: @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @mystic-232 @talksoprettyjjx @theshyspy @hemmohoran @flaneurcth @hoodharlow @littledrummeraussie @bubblegum18 @irwin-fletcher-ash @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @1980holland @wiiildflowerrr @hoplessromantic727 @in-a-world-of-fandoms @another-lonely-heart @aabc5sauce @dudethisiswhyyoudonthavefriends @fakebetch9694 @5sos-imagine @SunflowerAngel2123 @perfectnouis @in-superbloom @lukeisstillapenguin @sadcupofcoffee
@superstarmarvel @personalmuyverypersonal @cnco.angels @vtte @himbohood @sofiaaraee @irwindoll @lolzkye @fairytrice @colourfulcal @nibin0912 @hfkait @savagejane1 @youneedtocalumdown @pvnkcloud @in-a-world-of-fandoms @The-Ghost-of-Cal @youneedtocalumdown @dasguccier @awritingtree @heyitskelseaj @dawwnya @calumance @writersdare @indianamgc11 @marshallowy
@ashtonsunflower @calumspupils @secretsicanthideanymore @alltimesos @wontlastimokwiththat @whywontyoulovemecami @perriexed @abiancajg @rewmuslupin @icelily13 @gracieboogirl @fastandtheformula1 @remusismyhousewife @emilyclairesimpson @romanjbittenbinder @bookthingz @voilavouz @gracieboogirl @valentinehrts
@fckingpernico @multistann @a-darneddarling @plaidshirtyears @ihavenoideawhattodowithyou @bittersweetb4by @aria-grace-scott @bvbygxrl @luisa180206 @flyingburrito123 @drugerlime
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soupiiiie · 16 days ago
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Recommendation Masterlist
This is a compiled and ongoing list of fics I've read and have loved. I will update it as much as I can but yeah.. all my fixations are going to be here so.. enjoy.
All credit to the authors of these works, this is just me showing my appreciation for them. Love yall <3
. ݁₊ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ .
* indicates smut
: : Tyler Joseph / Clancy / Blurryface : :
: Scared : * : Painted : * : Testing the Limits : * : Chance Encounters : : Off Limits : : Backstage : : Weak : : Smithereens : : Xmas Stream : : In-Ears : : Runaway :
: : Josh Dun / Spooky Jim : :
: Stepbrother : * : Barrier Kisses : : Study : : First Kiss : : Copycat : : Videotape : : Coming Home : : Spooky Jim : : Secret Relationship : : Pushing Me Away : : Nerves : : Yellow : : Soulmate AU : : Memories :
: : Calum Hood : :
: All Too Well : : Lost in You : : You Don't Go To Parties :
: : Spencer Agnew : :
: Summer Games : : Spill It : : Out of Hiding : : The Comment Section : : Call Time : : I Don't Want You Like a Best Friend : : Imagine if You Will : : 'Best Friends' : : Cool Shoes : : Dropping Hints : : Spilled Punch : : Disbelief :
: : Shayne Topp : :
: How to Fall in Love with Your Best Friend : : Surprise? : : Smosh, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging :
: : Damien Haas : :
: Weather Ain't Been Bad : * : Date Night with Damien : * : After the After Party : * : Miles Away :
: : Ian Hecox : :
: More Than Friends :
: : Anthony Padilla : :
: First Day :
: : Trevor Evarts : :
: As a Team :
: : Four (Tobias Eaton) : :
: An Involuntary Confession : : Succeed : : Something Worse : : Something More :
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lovesosweeet · 11 months ago
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better left unsaid // cth
chapter thirty
in which orion has leukemia, and calum doesn’t know.
calum hood x fem!oc
read other chapters
october 2, 2018 san diego, califonia orion
When I imagined waking up in my childhood bed with the person I consider my soulmate, I never thought my stomach would be full of dread. I never imagined that it wouldn’t be a happy feeling, but instead, my entire being feels the impending heartbreak. 
I have Cal’s arms wrapped around me, him snoring quietly into my hair, and I find myself trying not to cry. The rest of the band left late last night, and Emelia went with them, taking whatever random room on the floor they have for the band and crew instead of staying here, although I did offer it to her. I don’t blame her. I’m sure she felt the weight of whatever would happen between me and Calum today and she wanted to steer clear.
I’m sure she has no idea what I’m about to do.
I don’t wake him up and try to relish the feeling of waking up next to him, but when I hear him yawn and stretch behind me, I’m relieved that our fate is bubbling to the surface, about to release. He squeezes me tighter to him once he’s awake, and it makes me feel worse. I never thought that I would wake up in his arms and not be happy about it, and yet, here I am. 
“Morning,” he says quietly. I wonder how he’s already aware that I’m awake. 
“Morning.”
I wonder if he’s able to tell how defeated I already feel.
“How’d you sleep?” He asks, and I don’t know how he’s so able to act like everything between us is normal.
I want to cry, but I try to hold it together.
“I didn’t really sleep.”
I’m exhausted. I could easily fall asleep right now under normal circumstances, but this morning is already the worst day of my life and nothing has even happened yet. 
“Orion,” he starts, trailing off. There he is. Now he feels the weight in the room, the heaviness in my chest. He’s paying attention now, and I’m both relieved and disappointed. Maybe it would have been nice to live in blissful ignorance a few hours longer, but it’s nice that I can get everything off my chest now. 
“We have to talk about it. I know it’s gonna suck but I can’t… I can’t keep sitting on it.” My words are brash, fast, and I feel his arms tense around me as I say them. 
“I know,” he breathes. His muscles unclench some, but he’s still stiff. He still knows this is about to suck.
“Do you have questions? Or do you want me to just talk?”
Without hesitation, even in his sleepiest state, he’s quick. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to put your life on hold.” I’m quick, too.
He sighs, and I feel like he’s saying that my answer isn’t good enough. That’s how well I know him. I can decode what the different tones of his sighs mean, and I hate it. I hate myself.
I hear him heavy breathing beside me, and I try to give him time to say more, but as his breathing turns into quiet crying, it takes so much willpower not to say anything else. 
“That wasn’t your call to make,” Calum finally says. 
His words make me want to get mad, but I know I don't have a right to be mad right now, so I swallow it and feel the words dig into my esophagus as they creep into my stomach.
“I know,” I finally say in response. It wasn’t my call. He’s not wrong. 
“So you felt like telling me in the middle of tour? Thinking that was the better time?” His tone is clipped now, and I can tell he’s not happy, but I don’t blame him. How does any of this not make someone upset?
“I wanted to wait until November,” I tell him. It’s honest. I wanted to hold onto it until it was over. I didn’t want him to have to deal with me at all. I wanted him to go on tour and have fun and come home and be with me. 
“Why didn’t you?”
“Ashton made me.” I hope, in telling him that, he hates his best friend less. 
“So I didn’t deserve to know? You just told me because he made you?”
It partially feels like he’s twisting my words, but at the end of the day, he’s right. At least, about the second half. He deserved to know, and I know that, but I didn’t want to tell him now. Deep down, I think if I could, I wouldn’t tell Calum until the day before I die. I don’t want him to live a life knowing that mine is working out the way that it is. In an ideal world, he wouldn’t have to deal with the weight of this.
If he was the one sick, I know just how crippled I’d feel by the knowledge. It would destroy me. Honestly, I think dealing with Calum being sick would hurt far more than it does to know that I am. 
“Cal, I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“No matter how you phrase it now, Orion — it fucking hurts.”
He’s right and I know he is, but I’d like to think that there’s some universe where I’m right, too.
I’m quiet then, and while I wish I could give words to what I’m thinking, I can’t. I’m just quiet, my mind racing, trying to craft exactly what I should say next.
“I can’t do this to you,” I finally say. I’m crying — sobbing — now, and I feel like I’m gasping for air. 
I feel Calum pull back with confusion, and it hurts to know what I mean. He would never predict what I’m going to say. I don’t think anyone could. Even yesterday, I don't think that even I could have predicted that my mind would be where it is right now. I would’ve never imagined feeling how I do, but now that I do, I don’t know how else to deal with everything.
“Calum, I don’t think we should be together.”
As soon as the words escape me, I shrink into myself. I cry. I cry a lot. The sobs shake through me and I can’t stand the way I feel. I can’t stand knowing what I’m doing to him. Calum’s silence isn’t unpredictable. He’s not a rash person. He’s thoughtful, and I imagine that he’s mulling everything I’ve said over and over in his head and trying to figure out how to answer.
“What… what do you mean?” He asks. He gives me a chance to correct, to fix it all, to act like I hadn’t just said what I did. But I did say it. I meant it. I meant it with everything in me, even if it hurts.
“I can’t do this to you.”
He’s silent then, and I guess I take it as a sign to continue, because I do. 
“I don’t want you to face the hospital every week and be reminded of how hard things are. I don’t want you to deal with this, with me. I can’t watch you fall apart like this. I just can’t. I can’t watch you watch me die. It’ll kill me faster than anything else ever could.”
“Oh, so you’re just shutting me out completely?” He asks it with a sarcastic flair to his tone, but it doesn’t need to be like that. He’s right. Even if he doesn’t think he is, he’s completely right.
“Yeah, if you want to say it like that, that’s what I’m doing.”
I don’t view it as shutting him out, really. The truth is, I’m sparing him. I’m helping him get through this life less scathed by unfortunate circumstances. 
“You can’t just break up with me because you don’t want me to quit the tour.”
I don’t know how we have made it this far into the conversation without so much as looking at each other, but his latest words force me to my feet. I kick off the blankets and hurl my body to my bedside, standing with my feet off the bed on the hardwood floor. I feel like now I have to look at him. He has to see my eyes and see how serious I am.
“I’m breaking up with you to protect you,” I whisper to him, angrily. Even though my tone is malicious, I have tears streaming down my face in thick ribbons, small rivers carving into my cheeks.
Calum sits up then. He’s not crying, but he’s on the verge of it. He looks more annoyed than anything. “What if I don’t let you?” His tone is somehow neutral. He’s calm about it and I hate it. It feels like what I’m saying just doesn’t matter to him.
“That’s not how breakups work!”
“Too bad, Orion. I’m not going to let you push me away when all I want is to spend as much time with you as I can. I’ve already missed my chance to be there for you these past two months and that’s on you. If I don’t get to be there for you now, that’s on me and I can’t do that to you.” 
“I don’t want you to be there for me.” I lie. It’s a boldfaced lie.
“You can’t just say that and make it true!” He yells it, undoubtedly waking up anyone who’s in my house if they weren’t already awake. He knows I’m lying and I hate it. 
“Calum, I’m sorry, but I can’t be with you anymore.” I have to look away from him, continuing to cry puddles and puddles of tears. “I can’t do this to you.”
Calum is standing now, next to me, his strong arms wrapping around me and pulling me into him. I feel swallowed by him. I want to fight my way out of the cocoon but I can’t. “Stop, okay? I want to be with you through this. I love you.”
His words cut like a knife into my chest and I start thrashing my limbs, trying to wrestle my way out of his grasp. “Calum, I can’t.” I keep wriggling, needing to get away from him. If I stay in his arms, I know I’ll break down. I won’t be able to break up with him. I won’t be able to save him if I stay in his arms. I have to save him from myself. I can’t let him have to go through with watching me die. I don’t want to break him.
All he does is hold me tighter.
I break down in his arms, sobbing and making horrible sounds of agony. I don’t want him to have to see this, either, but he’s here and he won’t let go. I don’t know what’s worse: knowing that I’ll die soon, or knowing how badly it would hurt Calum if he stayed with me. He can’t stay with me. I need him to leave me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t give right now to have him leave. I need him to get out while he can.
I need him to cope with a breakup, not with my death.
“You have to leave,” I tell him with a shaky voice. The words are nearly unintelligible, but I know he hears me.
“I’m not leaving,” he says, voice firm.
“You have to.”
“I won’t. Not now, not ever.”
“I’m telling you. You have to leave, Cal.”
“O, I’m not—”
I don’t know where the strength comes from, but I finally manage to free myself from his hold and take five steps away from him. 
“I need you to leave.” My voice doesn’t sound like my own. It’s cold and harsh and sharp.
Calum stares at me blankly, and I think he finally realizes just how sure and serious I am. There’s no use in trying to change my mind. He has to go. This has to be the end for us. It has to be. I need to know that he can go back to his life without me, and the only way that will work is if we end things now. 
We stare at each other for a few minutes, salty tears pouring down both of our faces. I never thought there’d be a day that Calum and I broke up, but it’s here, and it hurts just as much as I could’ve expected. 
No — it hurts worse.
He searches my face for any signs of change of heart.
“You’re sure this is what you want?”
I nod. “I’m sure.”
He shakily breathes in and out.
“I don’t want to go, but I will. I just need you to know, without a doubt, this is not what I want. I want you. I’ve always wanted you and I always will. I love you.”
His words hurt. They’re words anyone else in my shoes would want to hear, but nobody else, in my shoes, would be pushing him away. This conversation wouldn’t happen for anybody else. I’m an anomaly. I know it won’t make sense to anyone else. No one will agree with me. No one will think that I should’ve done what I’m doing right now. 
I want to tell him that I love him. I do. Of course I love him. That will never change and I know that. I’m sure he knows that deep down, too. When I don’t say anything in response to him, he takes a few more moments to stare at me and search my face for any other signs of things to say, and then he breaks our staring contest. He quickly walks across the room, grabbing the handful of items he had brought with him and shoving them in his pockets. He throws on a shirt and grabs his shoes from the floor. 
“I’ll call an Uber,” is the last thing he says before opening the door to my bedroom.
“Cal,” I find myself saying, and he stops in his tracks immediately. 
He stares back at me, pain written all over his face, eyes red and puffy, lips chapped, and wet cheeks. He has a glimmer of hope in his eyes at the thought of me stopping him, but I extinguish that just as quickly as it appeared.
“I’m sorry.”
And then he’s gone, ripping my heart from my chest as he leaves.
read next chapter
a/n: idk if y'all saw that one coming and I'm sorry :')
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5sosfanfictioncatalogue · 3 months ago
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Fics Written In 2024 (so far) Masterlist
Always In Spring (ao3) - loveliketheweather luke/calum, background michael/ashton M, 17k
Summary: Luke and Calum’s friendship has gone through many highs and lows, and it’s so full of parallels and full-circle moments that it’s almost like the universe is set to make sure they grow, love and stay together.
Between the Sheets - @daydadahlias (cornflowerblue (daydadahlias)) calum/ashton, michael/luke E, 19k
Summary: the one where Calum recognizes the hot stranger in his record store from porn but doesn't realize it.
cream, no sugar (ao3) - strxngersagain luke/calum T, 15k
Summary: Calum loves his job.
Travelling so often is just a side effect of his job, and of the promotion he’d been given almost six months ago. One perk of all the back-and-forth he does in order to keep his fancy new title of Senior Project Manager of Copyright & Publishing is: Luke.
Luke is a flight attendant who works for United Airlines. When Calum’s lucky, he’s a flight attendant on the flight Calum is on, to wherever his next hotel room turned conference room is located. He’s been lucky more often than not lately, because Luke has been on every flight that Calum has been on for the past eight weeks.
detours and déjà vu (ao3) - galacticsugar luke/calum E, 34k
Summary: “Yeah, you can come along,” Calum says, smiling while he rocks the porch swing with his toes. “I could use a co-pilot.” After all the time he spent reminiscing on his bedroom floor, it feels like in a strange way he misses Luke.
Or actually, it’s not really Luke he misses, it’s being young and carefree, just happy, with no caveats.
But still, Calum craves the reconnection, curious to see if the Luke that’s next to him now can still make him feel even a taste of what seven-year-old summer Calum felt.
Just Drive (ao3) - heart_is_gonna_flatline luke/ashton N/R, 4k
Summary: Luke loved driving. He also really liked Ashton.
Or, Calum forces Luke to have his driving license and Luke has a crush on the driving instructor. That's it. That's the story.
michael wants another slice - @sup3rbloom (haveufoundwhaturlookingfor) michael/luke T, 3k
Summary: Luke is Ashton's nerdy next door neighbor, and he also just happened to get a job as a pizza delivery boy. Michael crushes on him as soon as he meets him. Cue the endless teasing from Ashton and Calum. And Luke helps Michael get a job.
N (ao3) - HolyAFIx94 calum/ashton G, 17k
Summary: ☆ Nurse. The touch of a soulmate can heal you from affliction and vice versa. ☆
New - @daydadahlias (cornflowerblue (daydadahlias)) luke/ashton E, 10k
Summary: Luke doesn’t remember whose idea it was to chain him to the fucking ceiling but he’s decided he’s going to get their name and send them a goddamn fruit basket, because he has never seen Ashton look at him like this before, and he has that crew member to thank.
off track (ao3) - galacticsugar, kaleidoscopeminds luke/calum E, 113k
Summary: Calum’s bumped into exes before, of course, but not all his exes are Luke Hemmings, who’s the sort of person that Calum had gotten used to the idea of never seeing again. And Calum had long since reasoned that it’s probably for the best that he doesn’t see him in the flesh ever, because Luke Hemmings is an itch in the back of his brain that never quite goes away, that he’s never been able to scratch, the someone that features in his dreams when he lets his subconscious take the reins.
He’s Calum’s the one that got away.
oh nostalgia (be your own spotlight) (ao3) - nightskeletons calum/ashton, michael/luke E, 142k
Summary: Born and raised New Yorker Calum Hood is temporarily reassigned to a job site in the middle of nowhere New Jersey for six months. After accepting his fate of being miserable the entire time, he ends up meeting a group of three boys who quickly become some of his closet friends and help him to see all the things he's been missing by never leaving his own backyard.
Cue a playlist of early-2000s emo music, unexpected farm animals, summer nights under the stars, discovering who you are, falling in love, and a whole lotta nostalgia.
on purpose (ao3) - galacticsugar luke/ashton T, 20k
Summary: The desire to kiss Luke is overwhelming. Calum knows he looks ridiculous right now, but Luke’s right there, face inches away, smiling fondly at Calum’s stupid face caught between his careful palms. His eyes are different too. He’s not looking at Calum like he wants to fuck him. He’s looking at Calum like he wants to gently cradle Calum in his giant hands like a baby chick. Somehow, that’s even worse.
Pick You Up If You Fall To Pieces (ao3) - heart_is_gonna_flatline michael/luke N/R, 19k
Summary: Luke's stepfather is cruel and abusive, his life is a mess, and Michael just wants to be friends with this shy boy who sometimes hangs out with Calum.
running from something (running back to you) (ao3) - elsie (the_technorats) luke/ashton M, 23k
Summary: the one where Luke is the District Four male tribute for the Hunger Games and he loses everything. Everything, that is, except for Ashton.
the cat's plan (ao3) - kaleidoscopeminds luke/calum T, 11k
Summary: Calum would like it to go on the record that Luke never wanted to keep the cat in the first place.
Luke would argue that’s not entirely true.
Not that it matters anyway, because when Calum shows up in their flat after work, hoodie soaked through, a pitiful mewing coming from his pocket and a beseeching look in his eyes, there was no way Luke would have had it in him to say no.
there's something that you should know (ao3) - cxmp michael/calum T, 4k
Summary: Every summer, skater boys Calum and Michael travel to a sleepaway camp like no other — Camp Woodward — to hone their skills, meet new friends, and take their talents to the next level. But it's what they're not expecting that will change their lives forever.
the skies falling down (end of the world) - @sup3rbloom (haveufoundwhaturlookingfor) luke/ashton, michael/calum T, 4k
Summary: Luke is severely hurt, and Ashton is desperate to find something to heal his best friend. He's on the brink of giving up when he meets Michael and Calum, who happen to be from a community that has medical supplies.
twink boy bottom erotica. (ao3) - badomensbaby luke/calum E, 13k
Summary: in which luke agrees to be calum's model for his photography project.
We Could Be Anything (ao3) - CalsAcousticSet michael/luke E, 14k
Summary: It’s become a habit now, a routine, almost normal for Luke to find himself outside of his dorm room, on the wrong side of the door, in the middle of the night on a weeknight. It was the third time this week (and it was only Wednesday) that Luke had been sexiled from his own dorm room by his roommate Calum. But he had to admit, Luke didn't mind being exiled nearly as much as he let on, because it meant that he got to spend time on the floor above. With Michael.
Or: college AU where Luke's sexile from his dorm room leads him to Michael's room instead; from the floor to the bed, from friends to lovers
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sup3rbloom · 2 years ago
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my thoughts are yours
Title: my thoughts are yours Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/44722282 Squares filled: Calum Hood for @anyfandomgoesbingo Pairing: 5SOS - Calum/Ashton, Michael/Luke Rating: Teen+ Word count: 4,452 Summary: Soulmates can hear each other's thoughts, and Ashton's had to listen to Calum's depressing thoughts for years. One night after a particularly bad night for Calum, Ashton finally gives in and wants to meet Calum, to make his soulmate finally feel better.
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ashtcnirwinx · 7 months ago
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AHTON IRWIN is twenty-nine years old and is currently IN A RELATIONSHIP and residing in LOS ANGELES, CA. Here's his list of connections. Feel free to dm me to get added to the list.
—— PLATONIC CONNECTIONS. ❜
best friends
children
confidants.
role model.
ride or die - Josephine Skriver
childhood friends - Alycia Debnam-Carey, Louis Tomlinson
golfing buddies
wing(wo)men
squad - Cari Fletcher
sibling like friends - Lauren Jauregui
platonic soulmates - Luke Hemmings, Calum Hood, Michael Clifford
unlikely friends
positive influence
new friends
seem like a married couple.
former lovers to friends.
—— ROMANTIC CONNECTIONS. ❜
partner - Harry Styles
flirtationship
one night stand.
friends with benefits.
blind date.
forbidden romance.
exes on good terms - KayKay Blaisdell, Kendall Jenner, Gemma Styles
exes on bad terms - Bryana Holly
tinder match.
first love.
love / hate.
unrequited crush.
celebrity crush.
summer romance
(former) publicity partner
one night stand or fling that was regretted later.
—— NEGATIVE CONNECTIONS. ❜
former (best) friends.
fell for the same person & fought over them.
frenemies.
rivals, direct opposition.
negative influence.
0 notes
wiiildflowerrr · 2 years ago
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@Calum5SOS, 7 March 2020
"Calum is the best-looking man in the world." Ashton Irwin, 2015
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talkfastromance4 · 4 years ago
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Falling into Place--Calum Hood (part V soulmate!au) Final
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A/N: this has been a long time coming. Thank you to those who have read and been patient with me while I finished this. This is my first soulmate!au and I enjoyed every minute of it. Please let me know what you think :)
Word Count: 8.5k
Warnings: mentions of TBI (traumatic brain injury) and PTA (post traumatic amnesia) after a concussion, mention of car accident, angst, mentions of smut
donate to my ko-fi here :)
Masterlist
The Click || Measured in Moments || Fractures || Against All Odds 
• • • •
It’s been a week since Rose has woken up, a week since Calum’s light was restored and destroyed by three little words. Who is he replays on a loop in his head every second of the day.  He thinks of that day while he gets ready to head to the hospital, he’s been staying at home during the nights since Rose woke up. It’s easier for her but harder for him.
He lets the hot water fall over him as he remembers the moments after Rose asked who he was.
Dr. Robbins pulled him quickly from the room talking about how Rose has PTA and Calum’s confused by the letters associated with a club of parents at schools.
“It’s Post Traumatic Amnesia, there’s no telling how long it will last but is very common in patients who have been in a coma for so long,” she explained kindly.
“What does that mean exactly?” he asked.
“Rose is in a state of confusion, she’s very disoriented. When we get back in there I’m going to ask her simple questions like her name, how old she is and who the President is. This paired with her traumatic brain injury is going to be very difficult for Rose. I need you to be calm for her and not stress her out, she’s under enough as it is.”
“But…she doesn’t remember me,” Calum stressed, brown eyes befuddled.
“Sometimes that happens, her memory should return but for right now we need to focus on her walking in therapy after we remove the fixator and continue to ask her questions to try and refresh her memory.”
When they went back into the room, Rose’s eyes still fearful and apprehensive, Dr. Robbins asked her the questions aforementioned and Rose answered easily. Her eyes lingered to Calum.
“Can you try and tell me what the last thing you remember is? If you can’t, that’s okay,” Dr. Robbins assured her.
Rose’s brows furrowed as she played with the fluffy fabric of her blanket. “I remember driving…and it was raining and…” her brows furrowed more then lifted to look at Dr. Robbins. “That’s all I remember.”
“Okay,” Dr. Robbins smiled warmly, “let’s get this off of you now, hm?”
Calum stands in the corner of the PT room where Rose practices walking with her crutches. Her arms shook at her first attempt of walking with the aids and Calum desperately wanted to help her but kept his distance. Dr. Robbins had to continually remind him to give her a medium berth since she doesn’t know who he is.
They were distant while she was asleep but now that she’s here he’s never felt so far apart. She’s right within reach and he can’t touch her, hold her.
“That’s good, Rose!” Anna, the PT nurse who’s helping her praises. “Let’s do a couple more lengths and you can go back to the room where Jane and Dr. Robbins will explain the discharge procedure.”
Calum chews on the corner of his thumb, silently cheering his girl on as she continues to hobble across the room. Her determination and stubbornness hasn’t left which is good. Rose is still Rose, the part that loves and knows him just needs a moment to catch up.  
After discharge procedures were explained, the nurses and other staff members that helped Rose and provided comfort to Calum, all came to say goodbye to her with a large bouquet of flowers. She was hugged by many before being helped into her wheelchair that Calum would use to wheel her down to his car. Jane would accompany them by carrying the crutches.
While walking down the halls, her flowers in her lap, Calum wanted to bend down and kiss the top of her head. He wanted to find her rose and rainwater smell, something to ease his mind but he held himself back. His knuckles turned white from squeezing the handles so hard.
The car ride is silent as she gazes out the window, her hands lay perfectly still in her lap. Thankfully, the traffic wasn’t bad, so they arrived home in record time.
“Um, I don’t know if you remember but we do have two dogs, Duke and Honey,” Calum informs her. “I’m sure they’ll be excited to see you when we head in.”
“Oh. Okay,” she nods.
He stares at her for a moment, waiting for something more but when nothing comes he gets out of the car and grabs her crutches. He helps her from the car, making sure the crutches are in the right spot then leads the way to the front door.
When he opens the door, they’re greeted by a loud “WELCOME HOME, ROSE!” and thunderous claps. Unbeknownst to him, all of their friends are there with a large banner above their heads for her homecoming. Ashton and Ruby, Michael and Crystal, Luke, and Mali all wore smiles and then the dogs scampered across the floor. Calum stares in shock because he hasn’t had a chance to tell them about Rose’s current state of mind.
Duke and Honey sniffed at Calum and Rose’s legs, smelling hospital but still smelling that they’re family. Calum can feel Rose’s anxiety rising, he sees it in her eyes as she cowers behind him staring at people she loves but doesn’t recognize right now. When she grasps his hand tightly he’s filled with a mixture of happiness that she reached for him but then also sadness because it means something different to her. He’s only a familiar face to her right now because he’s been with her at the hospital.
“Uh, thanks everyone,” Calum clears his throat. “Rose is a little tired and can’t be on her foot too long so I’m going to get her settled.” He turns to her ducking his head near her ear. “It’s all right, you’re safe,” he whispers.
He gives Ashton a look then rests his hand on the small of her back while everyone else is confused at their quick departure.
“Do I know all of those people?” she asks once he’s got her settled in bed.
“They’re our friends,” he smiles sadly. “They don’t know about your amnesia but I’ll them now so they can leave.”
“Okay. I’m…sorry I don’t…remember.” Her brows furrow and she shakes her head. Dr. Robbins said her speech would be a little difficult at times and to be patient.
He has all the patience in the world for her.
“You have nothing to be sorry for, baby—Rose,” he quickly catches himself from using a pet name. He’s itching to reach out to her and comfort her, place his hand on her cheek, kiss her hair; but he doesn’t want to push too much when she feels so lost.
“Can the dogs…stay?”
He smiles then pats his hand on the bed for the dogs to jump up on. They immediately crowd her in snuggles, Duke licks her chin and Honey rests her head on her tummy. Rose smiles and pets them both, her anxiety lessening.  
He’s met with confused expressions and a thousand questions as he returns back to the living room. Ashton is at the forefront of it all, his eyes full of concern. Calum explains about her PTA, that she doesn’t recognize him or any of them, and his hopes that it will go away soon. Ruby and Mali cry at the bit of news and the guys are deflated.
“She doesn’t remember you at all?” Crystal frowns.
“No. She knows my name. Dr. Robbins and I have told her we’re engaged but…she’s just really lost right now. Her brain needs more time to catch up.”
“What can we do?” Ruby asks touching Ashton’s arm, her motion including them as a unit. As one.
“For now, go home I guess,” Calum shrugs then sighs. The day’s events are catching up to him. “I’m sorry you guys went through all this trouble. When she’s herself again we’ll have another party, okay?”
“Do you want one of us to stay?” Luke asks.
“I don’t want to overstimulate her. It’s been a tough day.”
The girls give him long hugs before leaving and the guys squeeze his shoulder before exiting the house. Calum collapses onto the couch then pulls her engagement ring out of his pocket. It winks in the light as if mocking him. At the hospital she gave it back to him explaining how she didn’t want it to fall off her thin finger, but it broke his heart all the same.
Calum stays in the guest bed that night and every night after. Both of them don’t sleep that well the first few days. He wants to be with her, and she feels lost in a new unfamiliar place. He’s stressed and she’s stressed. He’s taken up making all of their meals and helps her walk with her crutches.
It’s hard for her to form sentences and she’ll have random bouts of anger in activities that she’s doing. The days mull into one another, it’s as if they’re in a snow globe constantly waiting for the snow to settle. But they’re muddled.
Calum remains very patient with her and takes her to physical therapy and speech therapy and eventually her cast is removed, and she has a boot. He can tell how happy it makes her that she no longer needs to use the crutches and can be more mobile on her own.
He continues to be very cautious with her, never wanting to overstep but he also wants to help her in the worst way. It tears him up seeing her this way, how hard she’s trying.
A week after they’ve been home he finds her paging through one of her poetry books and he gets excited that maybe she’s recollecting something. Then she chucks it to the floor.
“What’s wrong, swee—Rose?”
“It’s hard to read,” she huffs. “Anything. But I see these, and I want to read but I can’t.” her lower lip trembles in her frustration and Calum lifts the book from the floor.
“I could read to you if you’d like? I did that in the hospital while you were…you know.”
She nibbles on her lips then nods. “Okay.”
Days continue to roll on by, he reads to her while they have breakfast, while they sit outside or at the beach. She requests to go to the beach a lot. While he reads she stares at the waves, hat and sunglasses perched on her head; the bright sun hurts her eyes. Calum’s noticed how sensitive to the light she’s become so he made sure he keeps the lights dimmed. Sometimes when she walks she needs to lean against the wall or the nearest chair because she gets a little dizzy, too.
While she holds her head, Calum stands near her until it passes. She becomes frustrated trying to remember things, it’s almost as if she’s forcing the memories to come back about Calum. He makes her favorite dishes but sometimes she loses her appetite fairly quickly. She apologizes profusely but Calum assures her it’s fine and that they’ll be in the fridge if she gets hungry again.
When it’s been three weeks since their home arrival, Calum completely forgot about a rooftop performance the band was doing.
“I can see if Mali can come by and keep you company—”
“I’d like to come,” she interrupts. They’re sitting outside after dinner, the dogs at their feet.
“You don’t have to,” he shakes his head, “I don’t want you to get overwhelmed by the commotion of it all.”
“I’ll be okay,” she smiles sweetly, “maybe watching you play will bring back my memory.”
At the performance Calum keeps his gaze on her the whole time, she’s near the back in case she needs a quick getaway. The workers knew of her situation and the fans did as well, he was thankful they respected their distance but noticed a few of them smile and say hello to her quietly.
When they sing ‘Lover of Mine’ he hopes it will spark something in her because it’s her favorite song. She loved the colors mentioned in the song because it reminded her of the colors she and Calum had for each other. When the crowd cheers a little more loudly he sees her jump and plug her hears.
Without thinking, he removes his bass handing it off to the nearest available hands then runs to her. He ignores fans calling his name and someone from management tries to get his attention as well. When he reaches Rose, he ushers her back inside into a quiet place where it’s a little dark, a large potted plant blocks them from view.
“Are you dizzy?” he asks in concern. Her face is scrunched in pain, eyes filling with tears.
“A little.” Her voice is barely above a whisper.
“Look right at me, focus on my eyes,” he instructs kindly bending down so she can look into his eyes. “Does anything else hurt?”
“My ears…”
“Can I?” he asks holding up his hands and she nods, eyes locked on his and he covers her ears to diminish the noise. Her hair is soft, her skin is warm beneath his fingers. Her eyes move rapidly from side to side as her head continues to spin within, then she hesitantly lifts her cool hands over his.
This is the closest contact he’s had with her in months, his heart is beating hard and he wants to hold her closer but refrains. Being this close she smells like his Rose, roses and rainwater. ‘I love you’ dances on his tongue but he bites it down. Her eyes stop shifting from side to side and he removes his hands from her ears, but their fingers intertwine.
“Okay?” he asks rubbing his thumbs over her skin. He’s filled with elation at holding her hands again, small and delicate but they still fit the same in his, perfectly. She nods.
“Can we go home?”
They leave immediately and he sends a quick text to the guys explaining what happened. Rose never lets go of his hand until she needs to get into the car. Since that day she’s been hearing some sort of song playing in her head, tickling at her brain whenever she looks at Calum.
**
One day he comes home with his hair dyed blond and he finds her in one of his shirts. It’s his MAINE one that he always loved to see her wear because it really brought out her eyes. She’s making herself a cup of cocoa when she turns at his entrance.
“Your hair’s different.”
“Yeah, I uhh…since I’m like a new person to you I thought a new change would be…helpful?” he makes a face realizing how backward it sounds now that he’s said it out loud. “If that makes sense?”
“It does, that’s nice of you,” she gives him a cautious smile.
“You’re in my shirt,” he points not even bothering to hide his smile.
“Oh,” she looks down, face apologetic. “I’m sorry. I found it and it smelled nice. I can change—”
“No! No, it’s okay it just…it makes me happy to see you in it, that’s all.”
She gives him another small smile then points to the Eiffel tower framed photos on the wall.
“I was looking at these…it makes me sad how happy I look but I don’t remember anything…I’m sorry.”
Calum glances to the framed photos then has an idea. “What if I took you on a little trip to our favorite places?”
Their first stop is at The Dainty Dove when he describes their first date. How he made a reservation at the fancier place across the street but in his excitement he forgot the correct time, so they wandered into this place dressed to the nines. She smiled at the telling of it, the words tickled something in her brain but nothing significant enough.
She loves the food they order and sighs in happiness at the sundae.
“This is the best sundae I’ve ever had,” she tells him, her eyes widening.
“It’s our favorite,” he grins scooping up a mixture of ice cream, chocolate sauce and whipped cream. “We always get it and you always eat the cherry.”
She scoops the red fruit on her spoon then pops it in her mouth, Calum laughs at her playfulness.
The next stop on the second day is at the CBS, Theresa already has her drink and cranberry orange muffin ready at the two chairs where they first met. Theresa reintroduced herself but still told Rose how happy she was to see Rose up and about again.
“This is such a nice little place,” Rose smiles looking around at all the books.
“This spot is where we first met,” he smiles, “well, for the second time.”
“Describe it to me?”
So, he told her how the first time they met was by running into each other outside the front door. Their books scattered everywhere and that’s when fate had them switch poetry books. She listens aptly, nibbling at her muffin. He explains how they both read each other’s little notes in books, how they became dizzy when discovering each other’s names.
“Then, we met right here, in these exact chairs. Your cup fell and when our pinkies touched…it was kismet. Everything fell into place and we went up to your place to talk some more and listen to music. And we…”
“What happened next?”
“We shared our first kiss.”
Rose blushes at that and Calum finds that a small victory.
Their next stop on the third day is at the beach where he throws a blanket on the sand and she pulls out their poetry books. He removes his sunglasses from his head placing them over her eyes. They sit next to each other as he begins to read, his voice harmonizing with the waves.
Rose gazes at him as words of love and sexual endeavors spill from his lips. The warm sea breeze ruffles his hair, the blond shining in the sun. she reaches over and cards her fingers through his new hair, he stops reading and goosebumps form on his neck at her touch. It’s so familiar and feels so good, he closes his eyes relishing at feeling her touch.
“I—I’m sorry,” she gasps removing her fingers. “I don’t know why I did that.”
“Don’t be sorry. You used to do it all the time.”
“Do you mind if I do it as you read?”
“Please,” he looks at her, “do it as long as you like.”
He picks up where he left off, that unfamiliar yet familiar tune is back in her head. Each day she’s spent with Calum retelling their life together, the song comes more frequently. It’s a soothing sound that usually comes when she’s stressed or her head kind of hurts. She’s hoping to hear the actual song someday, or maybe she’ll hum the tune to Calum, and he’ll know it.
**
One day she’s sitting outside with the dogs reading, she’s become better at it as long as she reads slowly. The more she reads the more she improves. When the sun becomes too much for her she heads inside and hears guitar music playing. Following the sound, she finds Calum in a room she hasn’t ventured to yet, he’s sitting on a small couch with a guitar.
Curious, she edges in the room closer, eying up the awards on the wall with pictures of him and the three guys that were here on her first night and he played with on the rooftop. She wonders when the last time he’s seen them was, has he been isolating himself with her as she treks through her muddled brain.
“Sorry, was I playing too loud?” he asks, and the music stops, his fingers smack against the strings to stop their vibrations. “I thought you were outside.”
“I was but the sun got too bright. That was really pretty,” she comments sitting next to him carefully. Being close to him is still new, exciting and frightening all at once. “Can I hear more?”
He nods then starts to play a string of beautiful notes. It’s an entire song that makes her reminiscent of something she can’t put her finger on. It brings tears to her eyes, the sound and the lost memories it unpacks.
“What if I never remember anything?” she whispers when he finishes the song. “I feel like I’m in someone else’s body. I see my face in pictures all over the place here and in my phone with you…and all those people…but when I look in the mirror I don’t know who I am. It’s not fair. And it’s not fair to you, Calum,” she turns to him now. His brown eyes are steady on her as she continues. “I can tell you loved—love me very much but I’m like a ghost of that person…of me. None of this makes sense. I’m so sorry.”
She’s full on crying now, tears falling down her cheeks like fallen stars shimmering on her skin. Calum pulls her to his chest, the thought of boundaries gone from his mind. His Rose, his soulmate, his one love is upset, lost, and confused and he wants to aid her in comfort the best he can. She cries into his chest, tears staining his shirt as he brushes her hair down her back.
Hesitantly, he kisses the top of her head. Her sweet floral smell makes him feel like home.
“I can’t even imagine how overwhelming this all is for you,” he murmurs in her ear. He makes sure not to speak too fast. Lately it’s been hard for her to follow along if someone speaks too quickly, she hasn’t watched tv in a few days because it made her head hurt. “And I know you probably feel alone but you aren’t, okay? I’m here with you every step of the way. I’ll never give up on you, Rosie. I promise you that.”
“It’s all so scary.”
“I know,” he squeezes her against him. “It’s scary for me, too, but we’re in this together, yeah?” her small frame trembles against him and he drapes a blanket over her from the back of the couch. “Why don’t you take a nap and I’ll make you some dinner when you wake up?”
“Please, don’t go,” she clutches onto his shirt tightly and his heart flips.
“Are you sure?” he asks.
“Yes…stay with me?”
Calum lays back gently, lifting his legs on the couch and Rose does the same, her body fitting along his like she was always meant to be alongside him. They adjust until she’s laid perfectly on top of him, her arm hugs his stomach while his are wrapped around her back. He combs his fingers through her hair, she takes a deep breath finally letting her body relax.
“I’ll always stay with you.”
They fall asleep together, their breaths and their hearts syncing up in perfect harmony with each other. His yellow glow and her red pulse together into their own rhythm. Their colors haven’t really glowed since that first time she woke up, but it seems something is changing now.
**
Almost a month and a half has passed since Rose has come home. When a long peal of thunder cracks the earth and shakes the house, she’s jolted awake in fright. Duke and Honey yip at the noise, she pets their fur in reassurance but when another shot cracks, she’s scrambling out of bed to turn on the light.
Somehow the dim glow makes her feel better as rain thrashes against the window then she spots something peeking from behind a framed photo of her and Calum. From her “past life” in the photo they were on a boat with the sea shown behind them. She’s kissing his cheek and they’re both smiling in the photo.
Rose shifts the frame carefully then sees a small black book that has golden words engraved on the cover in a language she doesn’t know. Was she bilingual before her accident?
Curious, she picks up the book and reads through all the poems, songs, and small paragraphs about her, to her, for her from Calum. As she reads, the music she’s been hearing in her head becomes louder and louder as she reads every word until she reaches the final page.
“No amount of words will convey my love for you, but I’ll never stop writing of the love we have. It has powers to cross the deepest oceans, withstand any storm and shines brighter than the sun. you’re my light, my life, my one love, and my soulmate. I will follow you to the ends of the earth. I have to ask you something, so look up at me with those beautiful eyes you have, sweetheart…”
Rose gasps.
Everything flashes into her mind all at once, the song only increasing as she sees each pivotal moment shared with Calum; that first collision outside the CBS, when their pinkies touched, their first kiss, the first time they made love, when they said ‘I love you’ and when their glow transcended into true form. The song in her head was sonorous, creating the montage in her mind of her and Calum’s love suddenly had a name to it.
It’s Moonlight Serenade by Frank Sinatra, their song that played at their first date, the song that played while they kissed in her apartment. The song that became a part of them, that helped define their love. Calum proposed to her right at the foot of the bed, she looks down and doesn’t see the ring on her finger then the accident shifts into focus.
She closes her eyes, the phantom noises of the collision echo in her mind while the song continues to play. The shattering of glass, tires squealing, and the way her world flipped upside down numerous times. She remembers seeing Calum’s face, chanting his name as something cold hits her face. When a deep voice said his name, her whole world went black.
The cloud she’s been under is clearing as she remembers everything. After the accident she could hear his voice, it was very soft and distant, like she was underwater but couldn’t quite reach the surface. His voice soothed her as she floated along the water trying to reach him.
Her days in the hospital after she woke up swirled into focus, the party with all of her friends and the fear she had of not recognizing them. Each touch Calum has given her, his warm brown eyes boring into hers while they were on that rooftop performance, her fingers in his hair—his hair! He dyed it and now she has to see it for herself again.
Rose opens the door quietly but instead of going into the guest room where Calum has been sleeping—it makes her sad when she realizes how long it’s really been since they’ve been in close proximity with each other—she moves to the living room. The record player is shut when she switches on a lamp and is happy to find the record she wants is already placed inside. ‘Moonlight Serenade’ stares up at her as she turns on the machine, she spins the volume dial all the way up. It hurts her ears a little at first, but she hums along with the song that has been in her head for days and waits.
Calum comes rushing out, his blond hair sticking up in all directions, his basketball shorts hanging low on his hips and his necklaces are perched nicely over his collarbones.
“What’s the matter? Are you okay? Is it the storm? You don’t like storms,” he shakes his head, his voice thick of sleep and he moves to the record player. He turns the knob down then hears the song that’s playing. “This is—”
“It’s our song, Cal,” Rose says quietly, her voice shakes. He turns around slowly, his mouth open and his eyes widening.
“How do you know that?”
“We danced to it in my living room after our first date and we were wet from the rain that drove us out of the park for that jazz concert. We missed our reservation by an hour and ended up at The Dainty Dove where we go almost every Friday and Saturday. This song has been in my head all this time, quietly buzzing and stuck until I read the small book you made for me when you proposed.”
She took small steps towards him and he hung onto every word, every memory that was shared between them.
“You remember?” he asks taking a slow step forward.
“I remember everything,” she nods and Calum lurches forward.
He cradles her head in his large warm hands staring into her eyes. He laughs nervously as his thumbs caress her cheeks.
“I told you to be patient with me,” she whispers then he’s kissing her.
Its days missed, his heartbreak, his worry, his fear, his love and gratefulness all rolled into one momentous kiss. She kisses him back with the same passion, her fingers slipping through his so she can remove them from her cheeks and down to her waist. Calum is quick to pull her closer while she links her arms behind his head, fingers threading through his hair.
“Let me see your hair,” she whispers around his lips.
“Later,” he mumbles shaking his head. Their foreheads are touching and with each word spoken their lips brush against one another. “I’ve missed you so much, Rosie.”
“I missed you, too.”
Their tears mix together on each other’s lips, she swipes away at his cheeks and he kisses her thumb.
“Come back to our bed, please?”
They lie tangled up in each other talking softly, catching up on other things that Rose has missed while she’s been absent. When she rubbed the side of her head, Calum knew what that meant and shut the light off, his fingers probed over her head. He sang her to sleep and he finally felt content and at peace when he shut his own eyes.
The next day they went to the beach, she sits between his legs as they watch the waves and boats in the water. Their hands play together, and he kisses her side tenderly. He’s missed holding her in his arms, he never wants to let go.
“Everyone wants to see you, but only if you’re up for it. I know how badly your head still hurts.”
“I want to see them, too,” she sighs. “I want to do so many things, but I know I can’t yet.”
“Like what?”
“I want to be close to you again…I want to write and read…but thinking about it makes me tired.”
“We’ll take it one day at a time, sweetheart,” he kisses her temple again. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“I know…thank you for all that you did for me. It couldn’t have been easy.”
“No, it wasn’t,” he sighs sadly. She hears the pain in his voice.
“What was it like, for you?” she asks tracing the tattoos on his arms.
“I don’t think you want—”
“Please, honey. I want to know.” She kisses the inside of his wrist, breathes in his warm skin then turns her head so she can look up at him.
“It was like half of me was missing,” he sighs tightening his arms around her as if she were to disappear right into thin air. “It was so hard seeing you like that, so still and hurt. I hated not being able to help you. But I knew you’d come back to me. I felt it, just like I felt when you got into the accident.”
“How do you mean?”
“While I was waiting for you at the venue, I fell over and blacked out for ten minutes. My head hurt and I knew you were in trouble.  Then I got the call form the officer who was at the scene. The first few days were the hardest, I couldn’t wrap my head around what happened to you. Then I started reading to you and played your favorite songs and talked to you…it rained nonstop while you were asleep. Then, I had a dream that we were at The Dainty Dove, we were dancing, and you said the rain was coming…”
Calum stops midsentence, he completely forgot about the dream he had before she woke up.
“You dreamt of me? What else did I say?”
“You said…” his brows crease in concentration. “’The rain…it’s coming here. I am too.’ Then you asked me to promise you something and I said anything, and you told me, ‘be patient with me. The rain is coming and I’m in close proximity.’”
The waves crash along the shore creating a peaceful ambience and the softest white noise that Rose can tolerate. She continues tracing designs into his forearm, and he breathes in her rose and rainwater scent that is distinctly her.
“After I read that poem, your eyes opened and so did the sky. I got my sunshine back.”
**
Rose has her good days and her bad days. Today is a bad day.
Calum watches her surreptitiously from the back of the room, it’s Ashton and Ruby’s engagement party, Calum could tell right away when they woke up there was a storm cloud hovering over Rose. She brushed off his comforting and worrisome advances claiming she’s fine.
She mumbled to herself angrily all day while she did tasks around the house. She turned on her music about four times and on the fifth she shut it off completely. Calum knew she was going through a rough period. Dr. Robbins explained this might happen, it’s common in TBI patients to have bad days where they’re extra sensitive to lights or sounds, making them more prone to migraines or dizziness.
It’s been seven months since her accident and five and a half since she woke up. Calum has become attuned to her emotions very easily and picked up on small things she did. Like now, for instance, she was talking with Mali while twisting her fingers together, a habit she’s formed when things became too much. He really notices that she pays special attention to her ring finger that is still bare of her engagement ring.
With everything else going on, her memory loss, her recovery, and pulling through some episodes, they haven’t had a time to really discuss them. When Rose bites her lip that’s when Calum steps away from the bar to stand next to her. He gives his sister a smile then ducks his head to Rose’s ear.
“Are you all right? We can leave if you want to.”
“I’m fine,” she says tersely, and Mali moves to speak with someone else in attendance. Rose exhales leaning against Calum, he holds onto her waist and kisses her cheek. “I don’t want to go before Ashton has said his speech.”
“I can tell you’re uncomfortable,” he turns her face towards his with his finger under her chin, “if something hurts, tell me.”
“Nothing—all right, my head hurts,” she sighs after the look he gives her. “But I don’t want to go and have people pity me because of my…injury. I don’t want to miss out on more things.”
“Sweetheart…”
“I promise, as soon as Ashton’s done with his speech, we’ll go,” she promises cupping his cheek. She leans up to give him a soft kiss. “But stay close.”
“Always,” he grins nuzzling his nose against hers.
It isn’t until almost two hours later when Ashton makes his ‘thank you’ speech. Calum is practically chomping at the bit as they waited. When Ashton finished, Calum was quick to tell everyone goodbye towing Rose to their car.
Once in the car he turned the volume down on the radio and held her hand.
“Can you turn it off, please?” she asks softly. He obliges quickly pushing the button then slips his hand back in hers.
“How bad?” he asks.
“Spinning…a little.”
Calum goes silent for the rest of the ride; he knows the more he talks the more it upsets her when her head spins and the constant chatter of the party probably didn’t help. She explained it once that his words jumbled together and seemed foreign, none of it made sense. He rubs his thumb over her skin the whole drive, listening to her breathing and thinking of going away somewhere, just the two of them.
Once home, he sits her down in their bedroom and lets the dogs outside the sliding doors along their wall then grabs a suitcase from the closet.
“Where are you going?” she asks as he starts shoveling clothes in his case.
“We are going away for the weekend.”
“It’s Wednesday.”
“Okay, we’re going away for a long weekend,” he grins then grabs some of her clothes.
“Why?”
“Because I think it’d be good if we both got away from all of this…noise. I already talked with Dr. Robbins and she said it sounds like a good idea.”
“When did you ask her that?”
“The last time we saw her.”
“What if I don’t want to?”
He drops a pair of her leggings in defeat, his eyes meet hers and he can’t read her expression. Is she teasing?
“I’ll try to convince you then, I guess. You really don’t want to get away for a while?”
“How would you convince me?” she gives him a teasing smile and he relaxes.
He kneels in front of her, cradling her face in his hands. “I’m not going to tell you where we’re going but it’s secluded, and we can bring the dogs and it will be just you and me— “he pecks her lips”’—alone.” Another peck. “No distractions.”
Another peck to her lips that turns into something longer, his fingers comb through her hair while hers clasp around his wrists. Both of them are held captive by the other in more ways than one. He pulls away before it goes too far, he doesn’t want to push her, and she pouts while he finishes packing their backs. She watches him dazedly, her heart hammering, lips tingling.
“Are we leaving early in the morning?”
“Nope, as soon as I’m done here. I know you don’t like the early mornings, so you can sleep on the way.”
“You’ll get too tired.”
“I’ll be fine, Rosie. I promise.”
**
Calum took her away to the mountains in a cottage surrounded by snow and fir trees. Rose grew up with the snow and she missed it terribly. When she’d bring it up she would talk about the fun times she had in winter, making snowmen, sledding, having hot cocoa while snuggling up to the fireplace.
When he asked Dr. Robbins about the trip he assured her they wouldn’t fly and that he’d continue her physical and speech therapy during the evenings. Dr. Robbins thought it was a wonderful idea, someplace a little isolated and a little cooler would be very beneficial to Rose’s healing and gave the okay to travel.  
They arrived around nine a.m. in the snowy tundra town of Walden, a picture-perfect town like from a movie. Rose ogles at the little shops and restaurants along the main road. After unpacking at the cottage, they lazed around until dinner time where they went to a nice restaurant with excellent steak. The lighting was dimmed which helped Rose and she couldn’t stop smiling.
Back at the cottage they made hot chocolate and sat out on the patio with a large fluffy blanket staring at the stars. When Rose fell asleep on him he carefully carried her to their king-sized bed where they both had a restful night’s sleep.
The next day after a late breakfast they took the dogs for a walk through the snow-covered town until it became too much for Rose; the cold turned bitter and started to give her a headache. She went to lay down for a while as Calum started dinner then ultimately ended up falling asleep. Calum woke her with soft kisses to her forehead and cheeks.
“How’s your head?” he asks rubbing her temple.
“It’s more of a dull ache but not too bad,” she smiles sitting up then kisses his cheek.
“How about a bubble bath after dinner?” he asks, and her award-winning smile is answer enough.
When dinner is finished—lemon chicken with green beans and rice—he can sense her anxiety as she’s getting things ready for her bath. He can’t quite place why the anxiety is present, but he turns on his Bluetooth speaker then presses ‘play’ on the playlist he’s created for them with their favorite songs.
“What’s on your mind, sweetheart? Do you hurt?” he asks touching her back as she swirls the bubbles around the large tub.
“No, I just…” she stands up, eyes meeting his warily.
“What is it?” he asks feeling her anxiety as his own now.
“I miss being close to you.”
“I’m right here, Rosie,” he smiles.
“No, I mean…Will you…Can…I want you to join me. In the tub.”
They haven’t discussed this part of their relationship since she’s woken up and got her memory back. The main priority has been her recovery, not that he hasn’t thought about it, but her well-being came first. The last time they were intimate with each other was on the night of their engagement, a week and a half before her accident.
Dr. Robbins mentioned that any sexual activity might trigger her TBI, it could be too much for her at one time, but Calum’s missed being close to her as well. He doesn’t want to risk hurting her in any way, she’s been through enough pain. She senses his battle, it’s the same one she’s been having for days.
“We don’t have to do anything; I just want you with me. Is that okay?” her voice is small as she asks, the fear of rejection hangs between them. The thought of him not viewing her as desirable has crossed her mind more times than she’d like.
She has an odd scar on her head from the stitches, her hair is still a little weird from where the doctors shaved it and her leg has scars along her ankle up to her knee.
“That’s more than okay,” he rubs her shoulders trying to assuage her. He feels her anxiety lessen but also feels her heart thump faster.
She turns the water off and he closes the door to keep the draft out, the warmth of the tub is already creeping steam onto the mirror. When he turns around she’s unzipping her hoodies, her fingers trembling as she took her arms from the sleeves. Calum yanks off his own long-sleeved shirt, his gaze never straying from her careful movements as she removed her t-shirt and bra.
At the same time, the pair pull off their pants and underwear. Rose wraps her arms around her torso on instinct.
“No, don’t,” he steps forward pulling her arms apart. She looks up at him, nervousness evident in her deep ocean eyes. He lifts her hands to his mouth so he can kiss her knuckles. “Please. You have no idea how beautiful you are, Rose.”
He kisses her forehead then helps her get into the large tub, he’s quick to follow and sits down first so he can guide her gently down into the water. The music plays softly in the background and he wraps his arms around her, the easiest action in the world. He closes his eyes breathing her in, feeling her skin touch every part of him and sighs in happiness.
“Is this okay?” she asks nervously.
“You have no idea how much I’ve missed this—missed you.” He kisses her head.
They sit there for a long time, playing with each other’s fingers or his fingers run over her collarbones then zig zag down her chest. His breathing is shallow, the intimacy of exploring her body is erotic in a warm way as the tips of his fingers brush over her nipples. The red glow of her chest arises, pulsating as their hearts leap at the intimate touches.
Rose sits up, water falling down her naked body as she turns to face him, her face full of longing and passion. In four heartbeats, their lips are on one another’s, her hands grip his shoulders, and he lifts her more onto his lap. He squeezes her close to his body.
“I’ve missed you, too,” she whispers on his mouth then trails her lips down his jaw and to his neck.
He uses this pause to suction kisses to her neck as well her shoulder, but he’s missed her lips most of all so he tilts her head back up so he can kiss her again. Their hands explore each other’s bodies as if it’s the first time. That first time was under a heavy rainstorm, and now, it’s serene as snow falls out the window. It’s as if their love has frozen to something much more touchable. When his fingers move to her hair that’s when she slows his movements.
“Did I hurt you?” he pants, eying her carefully.
“No, I…I know I look different. My scar on my head and all along my leg—”
“You’re perfect just the way you are, Rose. No scar will ever diminish your beauty, inside or out.”
She sniffs, tears welling in her eyes then nods before pecking her lips softly to his. “Will you take me to bed?”
Their love making is slow. He begins by kissing each scar on her leg, stamping his love all over her body and when they finally come together with fingers locked, their chests are glowing. They whisper each other’s names followed by ‘I love you.’ Their glow collides like before but this time it lights up the whole room, filling them both with warmth and drowning them in an eternal sunset as she moans in pleasure.
Afterwards, he makes sure she’s not in any pain or is dizzy. She assures him she’s fine then traces his tattoos with her fingernail.
“I wasn’t in pain, you know,” she tells him as the fire crackles behind them. “When I was in my coma.”
“What do you mean?” his fingers play with the curls in her hair.
“You were with me the whole time…it was like I was in a dream. I knew it wasn’t real, but I felt…safe, with you there. We were always by the ocean, the sand was soft and squishy, like the best bed. It had the best sunrises and sunsets, and the moon took up the whole sky…it was very peaceful.”
“You remember all of that? That’s what you saw while you were in your coma?” he sits up a bit more to look at her clearly.
“Yeah. It felt wrong though. Like I knew it wasn’t real, but I never wanted to leave you. Then it shifted and we were at The Dainty Dove and we were dancing, and I felt myself slipping…and then I was awake.”
“Wow,” Calum falls onto his pillow staring at the ceiling as he processes this information.
“Cal?”
“Hm?”
“Could I…Can I have my ring back?”
His fingers still in her hair, he sucks in a breath then slips out from under her quickly. He pulls out the small box from his luggage, he never left home without it just waiting for the perfect time to place it on her finger again or for her to ask like now. Rose giggles at his speed as he hops on the bed, his naked thighs cause her to roll closer to him. She holds the sheet against her chest then sits up leaning against the headboard. Her fingers try to tame his mussed up blond locks.
Calum takes her hand gently then opens the box. It’s prettier than she remembered and her stomach flips.
“Our love really can cross the deepest oceans—even metaphorical ones like in your dreams—and no one will ever love someone as much as I love you, Rose. You’re my one love, will you marry me?”
“Of course, I will,” she smiles. He slips the ring on her finger, symbolizing a new chapter in their life. This one is a fresh start; it holds more promise and surety in their future together.
One Year Later
Rose twists her wedding band with her diamond ring around her finger as she sets her feet on the plush chair across from her. Her feet have been hurting her a lot more lately, but she doesn’t mind sitting and watching Ashton spin Ruby across the dancefloor. They’ve been husband and wife for exactly three hours and haven’t been away from each other’s arms.
Other people are dancing around them, Rose smiles and waves when Ruby makes eye contact. Rose glances around the room waiting for Calum who arrives upon her thought of him with two glasses of water in his hands. He sets them down on the white cloth in front of her then kisses her cheek.
“Iced water for you, my love,” he says lifting her feet so he can rest them in his lap. He removes her shoes as she splutters on her water.
“What are you doing?! Now I won’t get them back on again!” she complains but then moans quietly as he starts to rub at her heel.
“That’s what I thought,” he winks then continues to rub her sore feet. She leans back against the chair, sighing at how good his thumbs and fingers rub her toes. “I may be biased but I liked our reception better. No shoes, and we got to dance in the sand.”
“You’re completely biased,” she laughs. “Thank you, you have no idea how good that feels.”
“My pleasure. Is our little one enjoying the party?” he asks touching her swollen belly with his other hand.
“Yes, our little one is going to take a long time to fall asleep when we get home.”
“I’ll sing to her.”
“Or him,” she says smugly.
It’s an ongoing debate of whether they’re having a boy or a girl. It’s become a sort of game as they guess who is right, but they love their baby no matter what it is. Calum’s hand trails higher up her leg under the skirt of her dress, his fingers heating up her skin as he moves over the faint scars.
“Hey, watch your hands,” she teases but makes no move to stop him. He gives her a cheeky grin, pinches the side of her thigh, then moves his hand back down to her foot.
“How do you feel?” he asks reaching over to take a drink of water.
“Happy,” she responds then rubs her belly. “Loved. Excited.”
Calum leans over to kiss her softly, murmuring an ‘I love you’ which she reciprocates. The glow in their chests burst forth while the one in her belly also glows.    
“Everything has fallen into place.”
• • • •
Taglist: @calpalirwin  @thecurlsofgod @myloverboyash @rotten-kandy @tea4sykes @jannimoeller3 @loveroflrh @iovehemmings @cxddlyash @princesslrh  @katiaw2 @g-l-pierce @fairyintheglass @gosh-im-short @banditocth @dezzym17 @koalacal @lukeisbaby @spicycal @mysticalhood @notinthesameguey​ @wastedheartcth​ @atlcalm @itjustkindahappenedreally​ @calumance​ @babylon-corgis​ @thew0rldneedsmcreycghurt​ @lanternlover2​ @istaywithmyjonas​ @calteahood​ @sarcastically-defensive17​ @another-lonely-heart​ @devilatmydoor​ @frontmanash​ @philthepegacorn​ @mantlereid @lukedorkyhemmings​ @addietagglikesbands​ @kikixfandoms @sanrioluke​ @mayve-hems​ @morguelth @haikucal​ @thatscooibaby​ @meghanrose05​ @idontneedanyone​ @dinosaursandsocks​ @haveufoundwhaturlooking4​ @suchalonelysunflower​ @burstintocolor​ @zhangyixingxing1​ @dead-and-golden​ @mymindwide​ @everyscarisahealingplace​ @stardust-galaxies​ @blackbutterfliescal​ @redrattlers​ @lovelybonesetc​ @karajaynetoday​ @quasighost​ @i-like-5sos​ @creampiecashton​
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ijustdontlikepeople · 2 years ago
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Moments Mori Tattoo👀
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suchalonelysunflower · 2 years ago
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Had My Chances (c.h)
Pairing: Calum Hood x Fem! Reader
Requested? Yes, by the lovely @getsojaded
Summary: Based on the One Direction song "loved you first" Calum can't help but feel jealous to see you with another man.
Warnings: Angst! Language, mentions of alcohol, smoking. Some grammatical mistakes (English is not my first language, I'm sorry)
Word count: 4.6K
Author's note: I've finally wrote an angst that broke my heart again, and I'm so happy with it. Remember that REBLOGS are very IMPORTANT AND MEAN A LOT as well as COMMENTS AND INTERACTIONS. PLEASE SUPPORT YOUR WRITERS. Hope you like it and happy reading
My masterlist // taglist on bio!
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Calum was choking the hell out of his beer can, leaving the imprints of his fingers as evidence for the poor soul that had to clean this mess up later.
It was an unconscious type of thing - he’s been doing a lot of unconscious things lately, none of them his fault, he would argue - but the intent behind it is nothing innocent.
There was a time when he used to be the life of the party. Or at least a bit more vivid than just standing in a far-off corner glaring at someone who barely paid attention to him. He didn’t mean to glare or to even look in their direction, but it was impossible to take his eyes off them. It was almost as if he wanted to hurt so badly he’d find a way out of heartache. Battle fire with fire and those sorts of things.
“Okay, who are we hatin’?”
He didn’t even need to look to his right to know that Ashton was standing there even before he spoke. His friend - the ever more intuitive when it came to talking about heartbreak or breaking hearts - should already know the answer to his question, and Calum knows he knows. Ashton just wants him to admit it.
Still, Ashton followed his gaze till it landed on the target.
“Cal,” He sighed “You can’t keep doing this to yourself. Nor her, for that matter”
“I’m not doing anything” Calum mumbled into his drink.
“You’re overthinking”
“And you should mind your own business” He spat, leaving the poor, abused can on the shelf behind him.
Calum walked outside, trying to get some air before his hands started roaming through his pockets looking for his pack of cigarettes. He tried to quit it, and many times he tried in vain. There was always something that pulled him into the vice again. Tonight was the selfish need of having the power to hurt himself without people noticing. Something he could regret tomorrow. Something that didn’t involve making the mistake of spilling and saying what he should’ve said years ago.
The lighter provided the only gleam of the outsides that night. As Calum inhaled the toxins of his favorite weapon, he closed his eyes and hoped to wake up and let all of this be a dream. But that wish went away with the smoke he pulled out of his lungs, watching it disappear into the night till it merged with the stars above.
He was not a man used to not getting what he wanted. So is this a gut punch to his ego? Yes, of course. But had he not been in love for some time he’d believe that it’ll come to pass, ignoring the heart-wrenching reality of him not being able to lightly caress your hair with the tip of his fingers; or not care about how his body moved him toward your space every time you were around; or claim that the times you were both in a group laughing, he would stare at you, drinking on your reaction and getting drunk of your laugh, while you stared at someone else.
It was just usual for him not getting what he wanted. But this was beyond any desire of his. This, for a lack of better words, was beyond his reach. And he hated it. He hated every moment of it since the first time he realized it, hoping it’ll go away.
But what could he expect from falling for his best friend?
*
Calum always believed in past lives and how you’re meant to reconnect with people that have meant something important to you. Whether it was in the form of a mother, a father, a pet, a friend, a teacher, a lover… Soulmates will find their way.
He also believed that his brothers were his soulmates. He knows deep in his heart that Luke, Michael, Ashton, and himself were meant to meet in every life, making music and sharing their message across the world for other people to hear. He also believed that his dog, Duke, might’ve come to him as a guide. An old teacher who bound his life to appear in the moments he needed most. He believes that his family would always be his family, maybe in different ways, but they’ll always come together one way or another.
Now, there is one thing Calum isn’t sure of, and that is you.
What were you to him before? Why are you here with him? And why does he feel compelled to be your everything?
When you met years ago, Calum didn’t think much of that first encounter. You were just a friend of a friend, a normal acquaintance. But then you kept meeting each other, whether at a party or a concert. And every time you grew closer. Whether it was the jokes you shared, the similar tastes in music and movies, the way you made each other laugh, or the secret codes you accidentally created. He was just eighteen back then, but he knew it had to mean something.
He just couldn’t figure out what role you played in his life. Not yet, at least.
“I don’t think that because you had a bad experience with milk you become lactose intolerant,” You said casually as you applied your mascara in the mirror.
It was not unusual for Calum to find himself pressing the facetime button to call you every day now, especially given that he was on the other side of the country touring with his band. The calls would mostly consist of him telling you about his day and you doing the same as the two of you would go on with your lives as if you were in the same room together even though you’re miles apart.
The two of you would indulge in conversations that could be as deep as a puddle of water - as the one you’re having now - or as deep as the sea. Never once feeling uncomfortable or falling silent. And even in the quiet types of calls, when you only need to feel each other’s presence after a long day, you would embrace the silence as a comfort rather than an inconvenience.
And Calum loved that. He loved these little moments with you. It didn’t matter if they lasted two minutes or three hours. He just knew that talking to you was one of the top best moments of his day.
He just didn’t understand why yet
“I could be, though” He pouted, watching as you applied blush to your cheeks “And the next time you take me for ice cream I might die and it’ll be your fault for playing it down”
You chuckled “I don’t think that’s how it works, babe”
And there it was, that little, weird feeling that made him all warm and fuzzy inside, triggered by a nickname. Calum quickly swallowed it down, just marking it up as the victory that was to make you laugh.
Still, he changed the subject.
“Why are you getting all dolled up?” He asked. Ignoring the way Luke looked at him for a second before going back to playing subway surfers on his phone.
“I’m going out”
“Where?”
“Dinner I guess, probably dancing afterward” You shrugged, trying to decide on which lipstick would suit best with your outfit.
“Girls' night?”
“No, it’s more like a date, I think. Well, he didn’t actually say “date - date” but I mean, he did everything you do when you ask someone for a date and-” You looked at your phone screen “Are you okay?”
Only then did Calum realize he clenched his jaw. He blinked at you and disguised it with a fake yawn.
“I didn’t know you had a date,” He said, trying to sound uninterested, but Luke’s eyes on him told him he was a bullshit actor.
You didn’t seem to catch it, though.
“I told you I was going out with Jessie”
“I thought you meant Jessica”
“Does it matter?” You asked, cornering him to a wall - metaphorically.
Calum sighed “Nope, just be safe and have fun, alright?”
You rolled your eyes and sarcastically said “Yes, dad” as you applied some gloss. Just in time for the doorbell to ring “Oops, that’s him. Wish me luck!”
And it might’ve been your smile and the way your eyes lit up when the doorbell rang knowing it was Jessie on the other side, or it might’ve been the spoiled milk he had in his coffee earlier. But there was an uneasy, foreign feeling in Calum’s chest as you said goodbye. Almost as if he didn’t want you to go at all.
But that was crazy. It’s probably nothing. So he smiled tightly and said “Bye, Y/N/N” and watched as you faded away before the facetime call ended.
Calum closed his eyes for a moment, frowning upon discovering this sunken feeling in his chest.
However, it didn’t last much as Luke was suddenly blasting “Jessie’s girl” through the hotel room’s speakers. Calum - rightfully so - smacked him with a pillow.
“Shut up” He groaned.
“I didn’t say anything!” Luke laughed
“You were going to!”
“How the fuck should you know?!”
A string of grumbled curses left Calum’s lips as he got up from the bed and went through his suitcase.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going out with Ash, wanna come?” He said, putting on a clean shirt.
“I didn’t know you were going out” Luke commented as he got up and went to find a shirt as well.
“We are now, c’mon”
To say the other two were surprised by Calum’s sudden need to go partying was an understatement given that Michael already was in his pajamas when the bassist went and knocked on their door, but neither of them was opposed to the idea. Soon, the whole band was dancing and drinking out at a club neither of them knew about one hour ago.
And if Calum was seen dancing and making out with a girl that looked like you, it was no one’s business but his own. And when he woke up next to a said girl a few hours later, no one needed to know.
*
The night was turning warmer, though that could be because of the alcohol and the three cigarettes he had since he came outside. The party was still in full swing but he wanted no part of that. Not when you were there with… him.
It’s stupid and he knows it. To have this unsolved grudge against you and every person you date.
You don’t owe him anything, no explanation or justification for any relationship you had or the one you were currently in. But he can’t help it. It’s just that every time he sees you wrapped around your partner’s arms he just wants to rip them off you and shield you from anyone’s eyes. From the moment he first noticed his feelings toward you it was clear that he couldn’t act on them to not ruin the relationship you two have.
He hates them. Every single one of them, every bloke that broke your heart or made you cry. He hates the ones you fell in love with, the ones that loved you back. The one that’s sitting on the couch next to you with his arms around your shoulder and the one that makes you laugh. He hates him the most and he’s not above showing it.
It’s not healthy but he doesn’t know how to stop.
“Why are you so protective of me?” You asked him once and he didn’t know how to tell you, so he made his heart quiet as his mind gave him a logical reason.
There were so many times when he could’ve fessed up and just tell you as it is. To make him the one that you would share your nights with instead of useless men who are not worthy of you.
Was he worthy of you?
Time for another cigarette.
*
Calum opened the door to find you there with a friendly smile; a pint of ice cream; a skin-care kit; and a bottle of wine. He couldn’t help but laugh as he stepped back so you could enter his house.
“I told you I’m fine,” He said, shaking his head as you made yourself comfortable on his couch, settling all the post-break-up necessities on the table.
“And I believe you,” You shrugged. “But I also know you, Cal. And you say you’re okay now but in a week it’ll all crash down as it always does because you bottle up your feelings. So let’s get them out of the way while we avoid the wreckage”
“I thought you didn’t even like her,” He said, sitting down next to you.
“I never said that!”
Calum gave you a look.
“I just didn’t think you were a good fit… that’s all” You confessed sheepishly.
Calum sighed “Well, you were right”
“I didn’t want to be” You scooted closer to him “I’m sorry, Cal. You truly seemed happy with her. And I liked seeing you happy”
He nodded but didn’t say anything. The break-up happened just a couple of days ago, and you were right when it came to talking about feelings now rather than later. But it was all so very new to him.
“I just- I never had a relationship like this before” He confessed.
“You really liked her, didn’t you?”
And yes, he did. For the first time in years, Calum could actually focus on a relationship. He had met his ex at a party, they talked all night and then he went home with her number saved on his phone. What followed were almost two years of amazing moments and memories filled with love but… something wasn’t right.
It wasn’t something any of them did, it just sort of happened. Blame the routine and the lack of effort from both parties, but they didn’t feel as if the relationship should continue. Yes, he would always feel something for her and would treasure those memories with care. Yet, he can’t say he’s sad and broken.
All his past relationships ended in heartbreak because his partners felt like a third wheel in their own relationships. And they had every right to break up with him. For all he knew, Calum just jumped into those relationships to get over you or to distract himself into loving another person that wasn’t you, all for nothing. Yet this relationship seemed like the real deal, the one that could actually sweep him off his feet and take his mind off of you, truly making him feel alive. And it worked until it didn’t. Until she called things off saying
“I don’t know if it’s me or if it’s you, but this is not working. We haven’t been working for a while now, have we?”
All he could do was agree and let her go. He loved her enough to do that without a fight. Or didn’t love her as he should. And maybe all she wanted was for him to fight for them, guess he let themselves down on that one. But if all these break-ups had something in common, is that you would always be there by his side to cheer him up.
“She deserves someone that can provide her with what she needs,” He said as you both sit with face masks and two glasses of wine filled to the brim “I guess it was not meant to be me”
“I’m sorry, Cal” You gave him a small, apologetic smile, while your hand went to his shoulder and squeezed it. His hand soon fell on top of yours “I’m proud of your decision, though, you and hers. It’s not healthy to be hung up in a relationship that’s just not going anywhere”
“Yeah, I know” He sighed, hiding the small smile that popped up when you didn’t retrieve your hand from his “It’s not like I’m heartbroken or anything, it’s just- I guess I’m just frustrated that we couldn’t make it work. None of my relationships seem to last because of that”
“Well, have you wondered why?” You sat up with interest, turning toward him and moving your hand to his thigh. Something completely innocent on your part, but that still made Calum’s heart beat a little bit faster.
“Of course I have”
“So what is keeping you from going after what you want in a relationship? Is it a previous heartbreak?”
“No… I don’t think I had one of those before” He said like a liar.
He knew that his heart was in perpetual mourning because of you, he was just too proud to admit it. All his past attempts at love were only meant to get over you and forget about the person you were currently hung up with.
Whenever you would tell him about a date or a new partner he’d made sure he’d have another story for you. Some of them made up on the spot, some taking inspiration from one of his friend’s dates, some of them real but without the same, genuine excitement you showed for your love life. A love life that didn’t include him.
Unconsciously, he made it a competition. Did you go on a date? He went on two. Did you kiss someone? He spent the night in another bed. All just so you could give him some type of reaction. Any indication that you were mad or uncomfortable about it. About him dating someone that isn't you. But every time you were supportive, feeling happy for him, and even encouraging him to call girls he didn’t even want to know more than just a one-night stand.
Calum only ever wanted for you to feel like he feels whenever he has to hear about the new guy that brought you flowers; the one that took you on a spontaneous trip to the Grand Canyon; or the one that cooked you a homemade meal for your first date. All the things that were killing him, he hoped you could feel at least a small amount of it. Waiting for you to realize it sooner rather than later.
“What?” You chuckled, nudging him with your elbow “The great Calum Hood never had his heart broken, he just breaks all the hearts along the way”
He laughed, pushing you slightly “Not all the hearts”
“Oh yeah, the other ones are Ashton’s job”
Calum just shook his head, quieting the voice in his head telling him that he didn’t break all the hearts because he was not going to break yours if given the chance to have it.
“Laugh all you want, you little gremlin,” He said
“Aww, Cal, I’m sorry” You pouted “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just really want you to be happy, you know? Find your person and all of that”
“I am happy, Y/N” He stated matter-of-factly “I have the band, the fans, Duke… I have you”
“I know, and I’m also so happy to have you” You smiled, lacing your fingers with his “But I’m talking about “the one”. You know, the one that makes your heart go crazy and the world spin around slower. The one that occupies your mind and every time you think about them you can’t help but smile. Someone that you can actually fall in love with. I’m not talking about marriage or things that we don’t believe in most of the time. But the one that makes the heartbreaks and disappointments all worth it because it led you to them”
Calum stared at you with an unreadable look in his eyes. How could you describe exactly what he was feeling but still have no idea that he has those feelings for you?
It has been a long time since he accepted you as being more than friends, or at least in his heart he knows you could be more. You were just perfect in every way, made just for him. And he loves you, he loves you so much without a hint of fear or doubt. But you just can’t see it.
“Maybe there is someone…” He mumbled, ready to spill his heart out to you on a silver platter.
But before you could register his words, your phone started ringing.
“Shit, wait a second,” You said, grabbing your phone from the table. Calum saw the small smile that formed on your lips before you declined the call “Sorry, what did you say?”
“Y/N, I-” He started again, and once again your phone interrupted him. He sighed “You should get that”
“What?” You asked, already silencing the phone again “No, it’s nothing, I promise”
“Who is it, though?”
“Oh, it’s just Matt”
“Matt?”
“Yeah, I told you about him, remember?” And he wished he didn’t.
You told him you were going on a date with someone called Matt a couple of weeks ago. He didn’t know you were still talking, let alone that you moved on to the “call” phase of the relationship. And now he couldn’t help but notice the gleam in your eyes when you said his name, a gleam that he knew would never be reserved for him.
“I forgot to tell him that he needn’t call me tonight” You sighed, already texting him. Calum could see the disappointment in your eyes.
“You should call him”
“What? No, Cal, I’m here for you and nothing is going to change that”
“I know, and thank you for that,” He said, faking his smile as much as he could “But I know you, and I know you want to call him so go ahead. I don’t mind”
You sighed “Thanks, babe. I’m just going to tell him tonight is off limits, it’ll take five minutes and then I’m all yours”
Oh and how it hurt him hearing you laugh from the kitchen as those five minutes went on. You sounded so happy and full of joy… he couldn’t take that from you now and, plus, would you even believe him?
Matt… what does he have that Calum doesn’t? Apparently, all the necessary to make you come back all giddy and blushing.
And when you sat up next to him and changed the topic back to Calum, his glass was already half empty.
*
“Hey, mate” Calum heard after the door slid open. Ashton soon stood next to him “Ready to go back in there?”
“Would Michael miss me if I don’t sing happy birthday to him?”
“You will break his heart” Ashton chuckled, trying to make him laugh as well but to no avail “You can’t avoid her forever, you know? She’s starting to notice”
“Well about fucking time” Calum spat, throwing the last of his cigarette to the floor.
Ashton sighed “Cal, c’mon… It’s not fair on her”
“It’s not fair to me either! What do you think, Ash? Do you think it’s funny for me to see her with him? To know every fucking detail of her happy life with Matt as if it didn’t kill me inside? It’s been years! Years where I have been so fucking close to telling her how I feel but there’s always him in the middle!”
He wasn’t crying, and he would not cry either. But he stopped hiding the rage he felt as his true feelings came spilling out of his mouth like a fountain of truth. He’d never said any of this out loud but now it seemed impossible to stop it.
“I’m just so fucking tired of seeing her with him. Seeing her kissing him, holding his hand, going on dates… All the things I should be doing with her”
“Cal…”
“No, fuck it! It’s true! It should be me! It always should’ve been me” His voice broke a little in the end “I should be the one in his place. I should’ve told her everything that night years ago, then I could be the one sitting on the couch with her, laughing and sharing those touches she thinks no one sees. But I do. All the fucking time those moments play on a loop inside my head and it’s making me want to scream. She’s the first girl I ever loved, the one that breaks my heart every single day because I keep letting her. She’s the one that’s making me feel like this without her knowing and it’s not fair! I could go in there right now and tell her how I feel but that won’t change a thing! She’ll still choose him! But I loved her first, Ash. I loved her first!”
Suddenly, all the air in his lungs was being crushed as Ashton brought him closer for a bone-wrenching hug.
For the first time that night, Calum relaxed. He let his body fall against Ashton’s frame as he hugged him back, hiding his face in his neck as the high of his confession wore off.
“I know it hurts,” Ashton said, lowly “But you can’t keep doing this to yourself, Cal”
“I know,” He sighed, pulling himself from the hug and patting Ashton’s arms “I don’t want to feel this way but I just can’t- I can’t let her go”
“Then try. You love her, do that for her”
“But what if-”
“If she feels the same and realizes that someday, then she’ll come to you. Don’t keep on waiting for an “if” Cal, you deserve more than that and so does Y/N”
Calum sighed and nodded, shaking his head a minute later from the overload of feelings. It wasn’t normal for him to snap like that, but it has been years since he kept it all in. It was bound to come out sooner or later, but he’d hope for a better outcome.
“Knock-knock!” Someone said behind them “Am I interrupting something?”
The two of them turn around to find you standing at the door, smiling at them as if nothing happened.
Immediately Calum started to panic, fearing that you’d heard everything. He said he hated your boyfriend, that he wishes he’d take his place, that he loved you… And you might’ve heard all of it while he was on a rant.
“H-hey, Y/N! Not at all, what’s up?” Ashton played the calm one, giving Calum time to freak out internally.
You were still smiling at them as you pointed back inside “We’re about to sing happy birthday, didn’t think you wanted to miss out”
You were acting so calm, with a big, kind smile on your face. Maybe you didn’t hear anything and just watched them hug awkwardly for a minute there. Calum could only hope. But then you smiled at him and nudged your head toward the party, and all he could do was breathe out and smile back, calming his nerves a little bit.
The three of you went back inside, quickly surrounding Michael as Luke brought out the cake and you all started to sing.
Calum looked back at you, standing next to Matt and leaning your head on his shoulder as your hands laced together. You looked briefly at your boyfriend and smiled, looking as happy as ever.
“Happy birthday dear Michael…”
And then it happened. For just one moment you looked back at Calum when he was already looking at you and his heart stopped.
You gave him a small, sad smile and shook your head no.
“Happy birthday to you!”
And all his hopes went away with the blow of the candles. * * tags: @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @mystic-232 @talksoprettyjjx @theshyspy @hoodhoran @hoodharlow @littledrummeraussie @bubblegum183 @irwin-fletcher-ash @wiiildflowerrr @in-a-world-of-fandoms @another-lonely-heart @aabc5sauce @in-superbloom @sadcupofcoffee @personalmuyverypersonal @himbohood @sofiaaraee @irwindoll @weasleytwinscumslut @fairytrice @colourfulcal @nibin0912 @hfkait @savagejane1 @youneedtocalumdown @heyitskelseaj @ashtonsunflower @nicebasscalum @calumspupils @secretsicanthideanymore @alltimesos @wontlastimokwiththat @whywontyoulovemecami @theimpossiblehologramtree @perriexed @abiancajg @rewmuslupin @icelily13 @bookthingz @gracieboogirl @fastandtheformula1 @fckingpernico @multistann @averageantichrist @a-darneddarling @plaidshirtyears @ihavenoideawhattodowithyou @bittersweetb4by @aria-grace-scott @thestarsandtheircoffee @bvbygxrl @luisa180206 @xxxlaura @iamdayanaz @flyingburrito123 @drugerlime
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writingfortoomanyfandoms · 5 years ago
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So... hows about that soulmate!AU Cashton x Reader one you were on about???
YES THANK YOU FOR REQUESTING YOU LEGEND WHOOO
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It was often difficult for Calum and Ashton. Being a pair of soulmates in a band, having their whole lives splashed across magazine covers for everyone to see.
It was why they had kept their relationship secret for the whole time that they had been in the spotlight. 
Hiding their relationship in the way that they had to was one of the most difficult things about their band’s rise to fame and Michael and Luke, knowing that, had done everything they could to make it easier for the pair of them.
They’d go out with their own soulmates and attempt to find small, closed off areas that paparazzi were sure to never find them and tell Calum and Ashton about it so they could go on private dates there.
Which was how they had ended up in the night cafe.
Their hoods were up, sunglasses covering their eyes as they walked in, Ashton’s hand clasped in Calum’s in a sense of silent solidarity.
Ashton’s thumb was tracing over Calum’s tattoo, the way it always did when he was nervous - the tattoo of Ashton’s uniquely patterned initials that had appeared on Calum’s wrist when they had first met - the same way that Calum’s initials had appeared on Ashton’s shoulder. 
That was how it worked - everyone was born with their initials tattooed somewhere on their body in an individual, unique style. When they met their soulmate, their initials would appear onto the others body where they first touched the other.
“Sorry about the wait,” the waitress said, a pretty smile on her face.
She had introduced herself as Y/N. There was only one other person at work in the cafe with her and Calum had assumed him to be the owner.
It had been pleasant for the couple to have their background chatter as they worked on their order, giggles occasionally coming from them as Ashton and Calum spoke in quiet, hushed tones to each other.
“That’s alright,” Ashton promised, leaning back and dropping Calum’s hand onto the table. Calum bit his lip, feeling the absence of Ashton like a pain in his chest.
“Thank you,” Calum said gently as the woman placed his order down in front of him. Y/N smiled in response.
“Let me know if you need anything else,” she returned. 
As Y/N turned to walk away, Ashton reached out and grabbed at her wrist.
“Sorry - just, before you go-” Ashton cut himself off, his eyes wide as they looked down at where his hand had made contact with Y/N’s skin.
Black lines swirled out from his touch, forming the AI pattern he knew so well from seeing it every day on both Calum’s wrist and his own chest.
“C-Cal,” Ashton whispered. Y/N stared down at her own wrist, her eyes wide in shock.
“What the - what the fuck?” She responded.
Y/N raised her other hand tentatively holding it out to him. Ashton swallowed and held up his wrist for her. As soon as her fingers brushed against his wrist her initials blossomed out onto his skin and the two of them stared at each other in awe.
“What?” Calum’s voice was low and confused.
“I thought you two were soulmates,” Y/N said in distress, looking at Calum and Ashton.
Calum raised his own wrist, his sleeve dropping down to show the tattoo that was identical to the one now on Y/N’s own wrist.
“What’s going on?” Calum croaked, looking at Ashton fearfully. Ashton reached across the table to take his hand, squeezing it as assuringly as he could manage.
“It’s alright, Cal,” Ashton promised.
“What if...” Y/N bit her lip and shook her head.
“What?” Ashton probed, desperately wanting to hear her thoughts.
“Can I...” Y/N reached her hand out, her eyes wide. Calum nodded and Y/N’s cool fingers pressed against Calum’s exposed shoulder from where his jumper had slid down slightly.
The three of them breathed chuckles as they saw Y/N’s initials appear on Calum’s skin and Ashton shook his head, his eyes shining slightly with tears.
“Well...” he said. “Any chance you could get the rest of the night off?”
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Make It Weird Monday
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softforcal · 6 years ago
Text
Coverup : Soulmate!AU C.H
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summary: Soulmates have the same matching mark/tattoo at birth. Calum has a mark and doesn’t believe in love, angst ensues 
word count: 3k
warnings: angsty slow burn stuff
special thank you to @notoriouslyhood for letting me bounce this idea off of her
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when Calum was born, the doctors and nurses in the delivery room marvelled over the small, perfect black mark on his skin.
only half the population was lucky enough to be bestowed a mark that could identify them to their soulmate who would, in turn, have the exact same mark. 
growing up was difficult for Cal. other children always wanted to look at the beautiful design on his bicep. From an early age he always found himself looking for the same mark. it was exhausting. 
and he never found it.
he watched as the lucky few found their matching mark in another. watched the smiles and the laughter, the instant connection.
he began to hate his tattoo. opting to cover it but the hot summers in Australia made that near impossible.
Calum was 15 when he had his first love. 
his first i love you left his mouth like the most natural thing in the world and the girl reciprocated. but every time she looked at his arm her smile would falter. she broke his heart a year later, he wasn't hers. no matter how much Cal had pleaded and told her that his mark didn’t matter, she refused to stay.
Calum joined a band and distracted himself with music which generally worked, until his band began to gain popularity and he realized what being famous and having a mark would mean.
he’d heard of musicians who were openly marked. heard of the crazy fans getting the same tattoo and convincing the celebrity that they were soulmates.
Calum had lost his trust in love and in people the day the girl who promised the mark didn’t matter left and all her words became lies.
He got his first tattoo a short time later in the hopes that if he decorated himself, it would be less obvious which mark was the original soulmate tattoo.
he fell in love with the needle and would spend hours looking at different designs. meaningful designs to remind him of the true love in his life, his family.
and then he came across a piece that reminded him of his roots. a Native Headdress. 
walking into the tattoo parlour, Calum explained to the artists: “i got this tattoo a while ago and i really hate it and want is covered, do you mind putting this on top of it? would it work?”
the artist agreed and a few hours later the small star mark that had always been on his arm was gone, replaced by a beautiful piece that Calum already adored.
and life for Cal continued.
he no longer found himself looking at other peoples arms and for most of the time, Calum could forget that somewhere in the world was his soulmate.
he tried not to think about it. 
and in some ways he harboured resentment against them too. 
but he also tried not to think about that.
only a select few knew Cal’s secret and Cal preferred it that way.
his band got bigger. and bigger. and bigger.
he distracted himself with a new girl in every city, skin unblemished by the mark that had haunted Calum for years. he enjoyed the simplicity. the freedom.
Calum met you at a bonfire party in LA. wrapped in a hoodie you were the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen. he talked with you while people danced around, drunk on life and being young and rich and famous.
sitting next to you in the sand and talking until everyone else had either fallen asleep in the sand or gone home. the sun rose and you stood to leave, Cal standing to offer you a ride. “i’d rather walk.” you responded, giving him a hug, “i’ll see you around Calum.” and then you walked down the beach, Calum watching you disappear.
weeks passed with you constantly on his mind. it was the most connection he’d had in... well... ever. But Cal refused to think it was anything more than sexual attraction and friendly interaction. after all, he didn’t believe in love.
a month later he was at a party and felt the need to grab a smoke. going outside he was shocked to find you sitting there, once more wrapped in a hoodie. you grinned when he approached, “fancy seeing you here.”
“could say the same to you.” he smiled, sitting on the lawn chair next to you, “what are you doing out here?”
“just needed some air.” you answer, watching him take out a cigaret and put it between his lips, switching on his lighter.
“this doesn’t bother you does it?” he asked, stopping.
“as long as you don’t blow it my way.” you answer.
Calum chucked, taking a long drag and blowing it the other way before turning back to look at you. you looked so cute in the oversized hoodie.
he tore his eyes from you, “so uh... JFK an inside job huh?”
and just like that the two of you began a discussion that lasted well into the early morning, covering all sorts of conspiracy theories. Calum found himself laughing more than he had in ages.
once again the two of you watched the sun rise and like a princess leaving at morning light you stood again, “i should get going.”
“let me grab your number.” he suggested, “or i could just cross my fingers and hope to bump into you at the next party.”
you laugh and give him your number, “catch you later Cal.”
and like that, you were gone again, prompting Cal to whip out another cigarette, that always seemed to help him think.
girls were always just sex. they could never be anything more because they would always leave. they’d find out about Calum’s original mark, unless he lied the entire relationship, and then, just like the first girl he’d ever loved, they would leave.
and his real soulmate? well where the fuck was she. Cal knew that the mark wasn't her fault, i mean she couldn’t just choose to not be born but part of him blamed her. no matter how unmerited the feeling of distain and resentment was, Cal couldn’t shake it.
a week later, Cal was invited to a party and messaged you to see if you were going. you say you are and agree to meet outside at around 10.
you were so perfectly situated when he finally got outside. sitting all cuddly on a deck chair, wrapped in the same hoodie Cal always saw you in, smiling at his approach. 
after a bit of back and forth you let out a sigh, “Cal i need to tell you something.”
“okay?” he laughed, already on edge from your tone.
“whatever this is... it can’t happen. i’m marked.” you explain, “and i’m waiting for whoever he is.”
“thats okay.” he answered, “i’m marked too.”
“have you found her yet?” you asked, “i mean you haven’t mentioned-”
“no. and i don’t want to.”
“what? why?” you laughed, “thats crazy!”
Calum shrugged, “just don’t really believe in the whole thing.”
“you can’t just not believe in it. you had a mark at birth!” you pointed out. 
Calum shrugged again, “my mark never brought me anything but trouble.”
“well, i’m sure that won’t be the case when you finally find her Cal.” you smiled, “she’s out there.”
“i like being alone. i’m on the road a lot.” he answered, “don’t have time for a distraction.”
“a distraction? did you seriously just call your future soulmate a distraction? wow i feel so bad for the girl.” you teased. 
“she would be a distraction!” Calum grinned.
“yeah whatever, you’re heartless.” you rolled your eyes, “hey, wanna see my mark? everyone always asks but you havent.”
“thats because i have a mark so i know how annoying it is to be asked constantly.” Calum shrugged.
“makes sense. i’m sure you’ll see it soon. it’s getting warmer. i can’t keep wearing this hoodie forever.”
“it’s a nice hoodie.”
the night continued and for a third time, you talked until the sun came up.
it almost made it easier knowing that you were marked. taken. spoken for.
and you knew what it was like to keep yourself secluded. at a distance.
it was different. Cal kept people at a distance because he hated his soulmate. you kept people at a distance because even though you had never met your soulmate, you loved him.
Cal didn’t understand it. but he respected it.
a week later Ash decided to through a big party celebrating the completion of their new album. Cal messaged you right away. he was already depending on you as a party buddy and he kind of liked that. he needed more friends. or at least, more female friends.
and you were safe. because of the mark.
of course you agreed to go. 
“so whens she coming?” Ashton asked the day of the party as Cal helped him set up.
“i dunno.” Cal answered, “she’ll be here.”
“so she’s just a friend?” Luke asked, already sipping on a beer.
“yeah she’s marked. saving herself for her soulmate that sort of thing.” Cal answered absentmindedly.
“so you actually like her?” Michael grinned, “that’s new.”
“you guy don’t know what it’s like to be marked. she does. its easy with her.” Cal shrugged.
“i think it’s a good thing. can’t wait to meet her.” Ashton grinned.
you arrived an hour into the party, Calum grinning at you as he opened the door to let you in. “you staying inside for a bit or are you going straight to the back to find a lawn chair?” Calum teased.
“i think i’ll stay inside for a bit.” you laugh.
“let me take your jacket.” Cal suggested.
“thanks.” you say, pulling the hoodie over your head and handing it to him to hang up. once it was put away he turned to look at you, eyes landing on your bicep. you noticed his gaze and grinned, “oh yeah! here’s the mark! people always say it kind of looks like a small star.”
his mouth was dry as his eyes stayed fixed on your arm. he hadn’t seen that mark in years. not since he got his own covered up. he’d almost forgotten what it looked like but there it was, clear as day. 
he could hear the blood pumping through his body. 
“Calum?” your voice snapped him out of his thoughts.
“i guess it kind of looks like a star.” he agreed, “i want you to meet my friends, let me go grab them.”
he turned and left in a hurry and you looked around.
Calum found Ashton and Luke in the kitchen, “Y/N’s here and you two have to meet her but you can’t bring up her mark.”
“what why?” Luke asked.
“because it’s a small star.” Calum stated.
both of their eyes widened as they realized what that meant. “she’s your soulmate!” Ashton whisper screamed.
“did you tell her?” Luke asked.
“no and i’m not going to.” Cal answered.
Ashton opened his mouth to say something when his eyes landed on you entering the kitchen, “you must be Y/N!” he grinned, pulling you into a hug.
“and you’re Ashton and Luke?” you asked.
“that would be us.” Luke grinned, hugging you, “nice mark.”
“thanks.” you smiled.
“have you found the lucky man yet?” Luke asked, looking at you over the rim of his cup.
“nope. but i’m sure he’ll find me when the time is right. sorry, i’m kind of sappy about it, i’m a bit of a romantic.” you grinned, hiding your face with your hands.
Cal felt a twinge of guilt in his chest and frowned, “what if he’s an asshole?”
“have you ever heard about two soulmates and ones an asshole?” you laughed.
“she’s got you there mate.” Ashton laughed.
“i just think... Soulmates are kinda rare and they always work. always. and i’m hopeful, even if you aren’t Cal. i can be hopeful for both of us and when you find yours i’ll be there for you to admit she’s not just a distraction.” you grinned, poking him, “hey what’s your mark look like?”
“its on his ass.” Ashton said before Cal could make an excuse himself. 
“oh, so i guess i don’t want to see that.” you laughed.
“Cal when do you think you’ll find your soulmate?” Luke asked.
“i’m not looking.” Calum answered, grabbing a beer, “Y/N there’s a super nice pool chair outside with your name on it.”
“you sure know your way into my heart.” you teased, “nice meeting you guys.” you said before following Calum outside.
“are you sure you’ll find him? your soulmate?” Calum asked.
“i know i will. it’s fate. thats how this works.” you answered.
“and you’re sure it will work out?”
“Look Cal, if you’re worried about finding your soulmate i get it. i do. but you have to have more hope dude, she’s out there, i know it.” you smiled, nudging him gently.
once more, the guilt made Cal’s chest hurt.
this night was not like the others.
the conversation wasn't easy. Cal kept finding himself distracted. he was conflicted but he tried not to show it.
so he’d distract himself by looking at you. and that made it worse of course.
Ashton watched most of the night and he could see Calum floundering so he jumped in to talk to you as well. and so became that dynamic. 
Calum needed to be near you but he was conflicted, Ashton would act as a crutch. he would be there until Calum could walk on his own and tell you the truth and Ashton was okay with that.
the three of you were together at Calum’s place a few weeks later, Calum was cooking while you and Ash talked about them being a band. “i can’t believe you two have known each other for so long.” you smile, “i bet you guys were such cute kids.”
“i have pictures!” Ashton grinned, whipping out his phone. he opened a folder and clicked on an old picture of him and Calum in his basement, showing it to you. 
your eyes scanned the phone, “oh.” 
the sound left your mouth and Ashton frowned, “what is it?” 
“is that...” you zoomed in on the photo, “on Calum’s arm... I... uh...” 
Ashton’s heart sunk in his chest. he never really worried about the mark because he didn’t have one. 
“oh that?” Ashton asked, taking the phone back, “Calum used to love drawing all over himself-”
“Ashton please.” you said, looking into his eyes then at Calum through the window who was cooking in the kitchen, “that mark on his arm looks like mine.”
“you really have to talk to Calum.” Ashton answered with a sigh.
you stood, walking into the house and closing the door behind you. Calum grinned, “hey, food’s almost done.”
you walked past him, turning the stove off, “what are you-” Calum began but you cut him off, “shush.”
you grabbed his arm, looking at the beautiful headdress tattoo on his arm, you could barely see it but the original mark was still slightly visible. 
the small star.
“Y/N-” Calum began.
“why did you lie?” you asked, letting go of his arm, “you know how much this means to me.”
“i was scared.” Calum answers.
and you’re kind of shook because it’s a real and raw answer. 
“i never believed in the whole thing.” Calum sighed, “you know that. i told you how i felt about it. when i saw your arm at the party... i dont know... i got scared.”
you looked into his eyes, at the guilt. you wanted to be mad. you did. but you understood. ‘maybe this is the whole soulmate thing’ you realized. because looking at Cal mad all of those negative feelings disappeared.
and he could see your expression soften, “i’m really sorry, i get it if you’re mad.”
“im not. i should be. but i’m not.” you cut him off, “i understand Cal. and i get it if you don’t love me right away-”
he grabbed your face before you could finish your sentence, lips pressing against yours. you melted. the way he kissed you felt right. it felt complete. it felt like nothing you’d ever experienced in your entire life. 
when Calum pulled away, the dazed look in his eyes told you he felt the same.
“i’m really sorry. i want to make it up to you.” Calum sighed, pressing his forehead against yours.
“you just did.”
he grinned, “i haven’t believed in love in years. and you came around and part of me knew it before i even saw your mark. part of me always knew. and i do love you. it scares the shit out of me. but i do. i’m not used to being vulnerable-”
“i would never hurt you Cal.” you whispered.
“i know. i’m worried i’ll hurt you.” he sighed.
“you won’t. Cal. you just lied to me for like a month and i’m fine.” you laughed, “i mean, don’t go doing stuff you know will make me upset to see if this whole soulmate thing actually sticks because if you do that i will kick your ass.”
you both laughed as his fingers brushed against your face, “i won’t lie to you again.”
“i know.” you paused, “i can’t believe you covered your mark, i always thought the little star looked cute-”
“it looks cute on you.” Calum grinned, fingers moving down to trace the mark.
you smiled up at him, “so are you going to change my contact name on your phone to ‘distraction’ now or what?”
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